People Want Our Response To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Story
15. AITJ For Not Sympathizing With A Woman Who Had A Miscarriage?
“I (27F) and my husband (28M) have been together for 10 years and finally got married last week. It was an amazing day as all my family was there and I got to marry my best friend.
The day was going well and we were all sat in the dining hall where we had speeches. My Dad’s speech consisted of childhood memories of me, how much he appreciates my husband, and a few jokes thrown in now and then. It was the perfect speech, it made me and many others tear up.
When the meal/speeches were all over, the guests were invited to party on the dance floor and the doors were open to guests who wanted to wander outside as the venue was a farm.
After saying my hellos to all my guests I found one guest (a family friend) sitting in a dark corner outside bawling her eyes out with her fiancé comforting her.
I of course asked her what was wrong and she mentioned that my Dad had said something insensitive in his speech which I didn’t pick up on. Her fiancé said it was the part when he said something along the lines of “When am I going to have grandchildren?” Or “I hope I get grandchildren”.
I was told that they have been trying to have children for years and have been through IVF and had multiple miscarriages. I apologized to her and offered her a hug but she refused and started screaming at me saying how she wants my Dad to apologize instead of me. A few people had heard her and I felt extremely embarrassed because I was being shouted at.
My Husband had also heard and came running to me, he eventually told her and her fiancé to leave as she was causing a scene and we just wanted to enjoy our wedding night. We offered to get them a taxi and they left without saying goodbye when the taxi arrived.
Here’s where I think I’m the jerk.
The next day I made sure the lady was okay and also asked why she started screaming in my face. She replied and said that we were insensitive, we didn’t consider checking my Dad’s speech. We were also not sympathetic at all to her when we were speaking to her and told them to go home.
I was shocked and also a bit hurt because I did comfort her but she refused it and started screaming at me. I explained to her that my Dad’s speech was from the heart so I couldn’t pre-check it and if she had a problem with my Dad then she had a problem with me.
I also said that she should’ve spoken to me about it in private instead of causing a scene because we didn’t want any drama at our wedding and that she was wrong to scream in my face about it. She then called me a jerk and now I’m not invited to her wedding.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- as someone who is years deep into infertility, here’s my take:
- this guest you say is a family friend, she is not a child of your Father therefore what your father says about kids, grandkids, etc. has literally nothing to do with her
- your Father was giving a speech for you, his daughter, he doesn’t need to run it by all of your wedding guests to check if something will offend them
- you did what you could to try and console, and apologize even though you had nothing to apologize for and she’s being unreasonable because of her emotional state.
Going through infertility for years and experiencing so much loss is extremely traumatic & your friend is obviously having a tough time. She needs to work through her issues & get mental health support.
It isn’t reasonable to expect everyone else around this person to not live their life and filter themselves.
She’s going to have friends who get pregnant, more weddings, baby showers, and holidays to get through and she as a human adult needs to work through how to manage her emotions & not unreasonably take it out on other people.
I’d give her space to cool down and maybe, later on, talk to her, acknowledge you don’t know what it’s like and no one intentionally is offending her and how can you be supportive. If she wants to continue the relationship she will talk, but infertility is wild and she very well may isolate herself also or need a lot of space, this is emotions, not you.” Gemma_T
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s obviously very unfortunate that she and her partner are having such a difficult time. That being said, the world does not revolve around one person’s misfortunes. She cannot reasonably expect that everyone will always cater to her needs. When she sees a pregnant woman exclaiming over how cute a baby toy at the store is, does she demand they apologize to her?
Does she tell off mothers at the park for parading their children about?
Your father did not owe her an apology and neither did you. Her leaving to have a moment with her feelings during a wedding is fine. Screaming at the bride and demanding an apology is an overreaction and was inappropriate.
She should probably seek therapy if she is not already, that level of anger at other people over this issue is not a reasonable response.” snowwhitesludge
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She is obviously very upset about not being able to have children, but you can’t expect everyone else to cater to your feelings, especially at a special event like a wedding.
This made me think about the last year or so of weddings that I’ve been to where I’ve gotten upset.
My dad passed away last year from cancer. So the last few weddings we went to, there were always speeches from dads and dads walking the brides down the aisle (I’m F). It always made me tear up and upset. My dad won’t be at my wedding. He won’t get to walk me down the aisle.
It freaking sucks. Not my fault, not their fault. Grief is grief.
But guess what? I practice self-control in these moments and try my best to be there for the couple. If I start to get overly upset, I excuse myself to the bathroom. That’s what this person should have done. Or excused themself to go home.
It’s inevitable to be exposed to babies, wanting kids/grandkids, etc… just as it’s inevitable for me to see brides with their fathers at weddings.” mooghertdoobert
14. AITJ For Revealing That My Husband's Mustache Is Fake?
“So before I start let me just as that I’m into makeup and skin-hair care and spent time and money to look good and feel good.
My husband “Reggie” (36) makes fun of it per usual especially when I’m wearing long hair extensions or thick eyelashes or changing my eye color, but it’s fine when it’s not done in front of others.
He has (or had!) a mustache that he takes good care of and takes a lot of pride in. Before we visited his family one time, he accidentally shaved a part of it which made him look funny.
He freaked out but decided to just shave it all off and wear a fake mustache. The way he’s done looked so natural and real.
We got to his mom’s house and then at the dinner table, my mother-in-law compliments my new hairstyle. Reggie laughs sarcastically and says “Huh..don’t give her too much credit for it….she used extensions, that’s not her real hair it’s fake!”…his mom raises her eyebrows looking uncomfortable but he proceeds to raise his voice and say, “What?
You don’t believe me? I can pull them and show you if you don’t believe me!” I was stunned but kept my cool and said, “Oh, you mean just like your mustache here?” He denies it and acts like he had no idea what I was talking about and goes, “I don’t know what you mean by that!” While awkwardly laughing.
His family seemed reluctant to believe me so, in this very instant, I reach out to his mustache and remove it which causes him to freak out and show it to everybody at the table. Everyone gets over the initial shock and starts laughing. He snatches the mustache and rushes to the bathroom. Literally, everyone was laughing at this which made him 10 × times madder.
In about 5 minutes he actually comes back wearing it! And says we needed to go home.
I get in the car, and he explodes on me and goes hysteric saying I embarrassed the daylights out of him by doing what I did at the table and making everyone laugh at him. He said that I should have never ever come near his mustache much less touch it.
I reminded him of how this all started but he went on to say that his fake mustache was only a “temporary” solution til the real one grows back, but I wear hair extensions and eyelashes to make up for my lack of hair, which was an issue he’s been putting up with for too long.
I got quiet because I felt offended. He insisted that I went way too far and after we got home he stopped talking completely.
Now every time one of his family members calls, he refuses to respond, then say it’s because of me he can’t even speak to them due to sheer embarrassment and shame.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- if he can’t take it he shouldn’t be dishing it out in the first place.
But he’s right, it’s not the same, because 1. You’ve only ever done it to him ONCE in self-defense, whereas it seems like anytime someone compliments your appearance he feels the need to jump in and make sure everyone knows about it.
Why is he so against you receiving any kind of compliment and so determined to destroy your sense of self-esteem?? And 2. Unlike you he’s a raging hypocrite, he wants to make fun of you for wearing hair extensions when he quite literally has hair glued to his top lip and wants to pretend it’s REAL, whereas from the sound of it you’ve never tried to claim it’s your real hair or anything.
From what I gather you use extensions and fake lashes as a way to enhance your appearance and feel good about yourself (making no attempt to pass it off as your natural hair and lashes) and he bullies you about it every chance he gets – does the man ever have anything kind to say when you make an obvious effort to look nice??
(If not that’s REALLY messed up) while he wore this “fake” mustache pretending it was real and got a taste of his own nasty medicine when you pointed out how hypocritical he is and twice as vain. And if he’s so immature that he can’t face his family after having what he’d been doing to you for years done to him ONCE he’s nothing but an immature bully and he deserves to be the butt of the family’s jokes for a while.” reviving_ophelia88
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for saying something, your comeback was actually quite good but it’s really a jerk move to pull it off and show it to everybody. If he had actually tried to remove your lashes or extensions, then it would have only been fair to pull the mustache off, but he didn’t. He joked about your hair.
Of course, it’s not nice what he has said and I don’t mean to defend that rude action in any way, it was really rude to expose you like this in front of everyone else, but you should maybe try and hit back with a good verbal response instead of what you did.
Just my opinion on this.
And I am similar to you, regarding makeup, so I totally understand what a disaster it could have been and that you felt angry.” Kara_Wolf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, does this man have any redeeming features? Why are you with someone who treats you like garbage? Do you want to be bullied for the rest of your life by the person who’s supposed to love you and build you up?
Jesus wept, being single is better than being with someone who shows such open disdain and hostility.
The longer you stay with the wrong person, the less time you can spend with the right person. My ex was abusive and pulled similar stunts to your husband; I left him, and now I’m with a man who only builds me up and makes me feel good about myself.
You can do better than him, and you deserve better than him. What would you say if one of your friends was romantically involved with your husband? Or your mother? A daughter? Do you want to have children with this man and have him be their role model? Would you be proud of a son acting like him?
Think about these questions, your future happiness depends on them.” cat_like_sparky
13. AITJ For Telling My Parents I Won't Be Carrying On The Family Name?
“My fiancée (32F) and I (35M) have been together for nearly 5 years. My fiancée is currently 26 weeks pregnant with our little boy. My fiancée has 2 little girls. The oldest (7F) is biologically my fiancée’s daughter, and the youngest (5F) is biologically my fiancée’s niece (her sister’s daughter) but my fiancée has special guardianship of her so makes all legal/medical decisions.
IMPORTANT INFO: both girls have the same last name as my fiancée.
I love both of these girls with my whole heart, I would do literally anything for them. We are going to get married in about a month (5-year anniversary). We are currently in the process of me adopting 7F and adding my name to the guardianship of 5F.
Due to the legal issues surrounding 5F’s case, we can’t legally change her last name.
Fiancée and I talked and I suggested that the simplest answer was for me to change my last name to the same as my fiancée. I don’t want to double-barrel my last name as I feel that this defeats the whole point.
I want us all to share the same last name. This also means when our baby boy is born, he will be given my fiancée’s (by then, mine as well) last name.
My parents have always been in my opinion obsessed with ‘carrying on our family name.’ I knew this decision would upset them.
I know it’s harsh but my little ones mean more to me than my parents’ obsession.
I had a sit-down talk with them, Mom was crying, and my dad was angry. Neither understand my decision. They want us to change both girls’ names to my current last name. Apparently, that was the obvious decision.
Changing my name will obviously bring shame on our family, ‘what will people think,’ I’ll make my parents fodder for gossip.
My fiancée did suggest using my current last name as our baby boy’s first name. I didn’t even suggest this to my parents. My last name is alright but would be a God-awful first name.
I’m not doing that to our son.
My mum was demanding I talk sense into my fiancée. Our conversation ended with me telling them I’m not interested in their tears, drama, or their opinion, and I won’t allow them to talk to my fiancée until they are less emotional. She’s nearly 6 months pregnant; the last thing she needs is my parents shouting at her for a decision I made.
AITJ for how I spoke to my parents? AITJ for changing my last name that means so much to them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re exactly the kind of person who should be a stepparent. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage and your beautiful family!
If you’re interested in a compromise, you could always use your last name as your son’s middle name.
Many people choose to honor their maiden names by making them a child’s middle name. At the very least the “legacy” (not a fan of that concept) won’t be fully lost in your parents’ eyes.
That said, you owe your parents nothing. Taking a partner’s last name is nothing unusual. In my opinion, the focus shouldn’t be on outdated gender norms, but rather on the new grandchildren coming into their lives.
Will they treat them differently because two aren’t biologically yours? Will they make comments about your children’s last names that make your daughters uncomfortable? It’s a slippery slope if they’re pushing tradition this hard before you tie the knot.
Good luck and thanks for putting your kids and fiancée first.”CoconutChai73
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
There was a post the other day about how crazy it was for a woman to keep her ex-husband’s name after divorce and to ask (not force, just asked) her new fiance to take that name too. I pointed out that she had kids so likely wanted all of them to have the same last name, and she may not legally be able to change the kid’s last name (and they may not want that anyway).
Your situation is exactly why women keep the name of their ex. It can be really hard to navigate the world where your kid has a different last name and add to that if you change your last name again, it is even harder (aka, signed name as X on the birth certificate, so at least that helps identify you as a parent, but then change it to Y, so now have to carry around extra proof just to register your kid for school).
You are being practical and considerate, which is how we should all operate. Family lineage means…what exactly? Carrying on a last name can be a consideration sure, but to you, it isn’t more important than being accommodating and building a true family. Good for you for not buying into age-old traditions, and yes, some patriarchal ideals I’m sure.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I wish we hadn’t given in to in-law’s demands and disowning us over this. They drove to the apartment where we lived and where I was on bed rest for a high-risk pregnancy and screamed so loudly the neighbors came down to check on us. I didn’t have parents and those two would be my child’s only grandparents, so, the child got the grandparents’ last name, and they never apologized for their behavior towards a woman who darn near died carrying and giving birth to their first grandchild.
I was the one who took the child to the doctor and had to spell my complicated name AND his complicated last name, and it was a reminder every time of what they did to us. Once I finally (and joyfully) got my divorce when the child was safely of age after enduring those people for nearly 20 years, I cut all contact and danced a joyful jig to be rid of them, because that tantrum was just part of a very sick picture.
OP, I hope you have purged your psyche of whatever generational violence they passed on to you so that you can break that tradition with your partner and child/ren. Wishing you all a safe and happy delivery!” cadaloz1
12. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Window Seat To A Child?
“Months ago, I booked a JetBlue flight from San Francisco to NYC and realized I cumulated enough points over the years to purchase a first-class seat for free. I had the option to pick my seat and I always choose the window.
Even when I am flying economy, I always pay the extra fee to select seats in advance for 1) to ensure I’m not kicked off if it’s overbooked later and 2) simply because I like the window seat. I am a geography nerd and enjoy looking out the window.
Anyway, the day of the flight comes and a woman and her two kids are assigned next to me in the first-class cabin.
The lady asked me if I could switch seats so her kid could have the window.
If this was economy, I would probably switch so the kid could have the window. Even though I would be miffed since I selected it in advance and the mother didn’t. However, I don’t get to fly first class very often and was looking forward to this flight.
So, I simply said “no sorry”.
The kid threw a fit. The mother gave me a glare and pretty much tried to guilt trip me into switching but I just ignored her.
I might be a jerk for refusing to give my first-class window seat to a kid but at the same time, every passenger has the option to choose their seats in advance and if she wanted the window seat for her kid, she should have reserved it in advance.
Plus, her kids are flying first class! Some people never get to fly first class in their lifetime!
My friend thinks I’m the jerk so I’m turning to you. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your friend is wrong, I’m so sick of this mentality that some people have where we have to cater to whatever the kid wants because they are kids.
No sorry, the world doesn’t work like that.
As the famous saying goes “Your poor planning doesn’t make it everyone else’s emergency.”
Your friend is the jerk for thinking that about you just because we are adults doesn’t mean we have to sacrifice everything when a kid is inconvenienced in life. Especially when it’s not a necessity.” DylantotheJ
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not.
I always book a window seat, my husband gets the aisle & we pay for a third seat between us. I know……we’re wasteful. I hate flying. I’m terrified. I’m nauseous. If I don’t sit by the window I’ll throw up. Just like a 5-year-old. I put my service dog in the middle seat.
People always ask us to move the dog, or if their child can have the window. I tell them no, I’ll throw up if I don’t sit by the window and we paid for all 3 seats. People get angry, people complain, people go to the flight attendants, and flight attendants come back & want me to move, want me to not use the middle seat even though I paid for it.
I speak softly, the louder some woman with a child gets, the softer I speak. I refuse. I paid for my seats I keep my seats.
I’m not a jerk. I’m simply assertive. Just because a woman has a child doesn’t entitle either one of them to anything special. I tell them, “Honey, I shoved an 11lb 9oz baby out of my hoohah and all it got me was a baby.
It didn’t entitle me to a window seat.”” Reddit user
11. AITJ For Not Wanting My Fiance's Sister To Be One Of My Bridesmaids?
“Getting married and my (26F) fiancé (30m) is really close to his twin sister.
We live about 3 hours away from his sister but see her pretty frequently. Over the last 3 years, I have tried to become friends with her but she just never seemed that interested. For example, when my fiancé would go do stuff with his father and brother I’d see if she’d want to hang out, but she always opted to do other things.
I tried to initiate hangouts a couple of times with her but there was always a reason for her not to. Over time I quit trying. I was kind of hurt by this but it’s her choice so whatever.
Now the wedding is here. It’s a smaller wedding and my fiancé and I are having 3 people each in our wedding party.
I opted to have my sister and two close friends. Things kind of blew up because I guess it was just assumed that his sister would be a bridesmaid and he already told her that she was before he ever proposed. I told him that wasn’t the case and I wanted people I was close to in my wedding party.
He says it’s our wedding party and this is so important to him and his sister and that she’ll be absolutely crushed. I kept firm with my no because I feel like if she wanted to be in the wedding so bad she should have made more of an effort with me. I’m not trying to hold a grudge but I want people I’m close to in my wedding party and not someone who could never give me an afternoon.
The situation escalated because my fiancé then came around a few days later and said we will have 4 people in the wedding party. He came up with a fourth person for himself so now his sister gets to do it. I didn’t really say anything and I’m unsure of what to do. She would not be my fourth choice but I don’t want this to create issues between us.
AITJ for not wanting her in my wedding party?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your fiancé has been misinformed at some point as to how this works. The bride chooses the bridesmaids, not the groom, so he had no business selecting his sister as a bridesmaid before he had even proposed – or at all.
Now in many, many cases, the groom’s sister will be a bridesmaid.
But that’s not because girls go on the girl side, it’s because in many, many cases a bride will have become close to her future sister-in-law and will want her on her side to do all the wedding-y things together.
In your case, there is no special relationship so it’s for your fiancé to include his sister on his side.
Explain how this works to your fiancé. He may honestly not know. And explain to him that he can still have his sister in the wedding as a groomswoman. Also, explain that it’s not that you dislike his sister or anything, you’re fine with her being a part of the wedding, but it would feel dishonest and uncomfortable pretending she is a personal friend of yours when she’s not.” StompyKitten
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you better get used to compromise in your marriage, getting along with your in-laws, and actually making some sacrifices for your spouse if you want to stay married. Does not matter if it’s something the sister wanted (but be the better person anyway there – she never did anything hateful to you) but your SPOUSE wants it.
Stop thinking of yourself and grow up.” BennyLola
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
First of all, if your fiance wants his sister in the wedding party, he needs to include her on his side.
That said, it’s really odd and troubling that he promised her she would be in your party without even discussing it with you.
This is a red flag. Marriage is a partnership and yes, we all know that, but it’s important to say it because so many people these days maintain closer relationships and loyalties to their parents and siblings…
What I mean is, your husband is not ready to get married if he is going to make arrangements over your head with his sister and if he is going to prioritize her.
As far as you, it would be foolish to let this be a problem. You should be gracious to his family. I would have invited the sister without having to be asked.
Unfortunately, because he is trying to put her first and insist she’s one of your attendants even though she hasn’t been friendly to you, that does leave you in a position of needing to make a point about where his priorities should be.
I think you should sit him down and explain clearly that she is his family member, that you have obligations to your own friends and family, and that he needs to include her as one of his attendants. I would also be straightforward and say that you’ve tried to build a relationship with his sister and she has shown no interest. Leave the door open for improving this situation in the future by saying you’d like to keep trying, but that having someone who is not a fan participate in your party at your own wedding is not where you want to start.
Finally, make sure he understands that in the future, any decisions about your relationship–such as what happens in the wedding–go through you first.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP, there were many flags I noticed while wedding planning. I was promised by my partner that it would be different once married. It wasn’t. It’s something we continue to work on – it truly is difficult and tiring, even with a partner that sorta sees my POV.
Please think very carefully about this behavior and how it makes you feel. Try and address it with your partner. And if your partner can’t understand your pov and isn’t willing to compromise and collaborate with you, then you are still well within the time frame to walk away if you decide it’s an important boundary for you.” Orchid8437
10. WIBTJ If I Reported My Child's Teacher For Selling Supplies Parents Bought?
“My (f35) daughter, Nati (f8) started a new school this August. We moved from one coast to another and had some adjusting to do. When she started school, her teacher gave us a list of supplies she needed, things like 24 packs of crayons, 300 pencils, etc. These are examples, I don’t remember exact numbers but it was quite a lot.
I got everything from the list. The school is located in a very good district and most parents are well off and as far as I know, most parents have bought everything on the list. You’d think that it was done and dusted but no.
We are a month in and Nati just brought a new list home that lists the same supplies in large quantities.
I thought it might have been a mistake and messaged other mothers in our group chat and they were as surprised as I was. However, the list was confirmed by an e-mail we received from the teacher, asking us to bring the supplies as soon as possible and that lists will be supplied to us every 4-6 weeks.
I know that kids go through a lot of supplies BUT not this many. It was all very odd.
I tried to snoop a little and find the teacher on social media, but I couldn’t find her. However, when my friend came over, she was able to locate her (it seems that the teacher blocked all the parents on social media).
Turns out the teacher is selling supplies (crayons, etc.) on the marketplace and she even had a page and link to her website. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement.
It seems that she is asking the parents to buy extra supplies and then resells them. What other reason does she have to require over 400 packs of crayons every 4-6 weeks (like I said, most parents supplied everything on the supply list)?
I have kept it to myself because I am unsure of what to do but I am considering reporting the teacher to the school, so they can properly investigate. I thought it was the right thing to do but my sister-in-law is a teacher and she told me I would be the jerk if I were to do that because kids go through a lot of supplies and no way the teacher resells them, it’s probably a coincidence.
But I don’t know. It doesn’t sit right with me. I haven’t told other parents about my suspicions because I don’t want to start a witch hunt before the school can investigate. But would I be the jerk for reporting her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
At the very least there’s a massive conflict of interest here, and the serious appearance of impropriety.
This definitely needs to be investigated. If the teacher hasn’t done anything wrong, then she won’t get in trouble, but you’re not at all wrong for wanting it looked into.
Honestly, I started reading this ready to say that Y-T-J. I assumed that the teacher was having parents buy large amounts and redistributing them across students to ensure that every student had what they needed no matter their economic status, which is still ethically and legally questionable, but morally defensible.
But asking for a second round of supplies this early in the year (or really at all if there was a huge ask to begin with) and clear evidence that she is selling the same things she is asking for is a HUGE nope.
Teachers are not above reproach or the law. If anything, like other authority figures, our society holds them to a higher standard of behavior for a reason.
Please report this. You are definitely NTJ.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. Elementary educator here. You should 100% report this, but do it in a way that is well-researched and iron-clad evidence.
This is a gross ethics violation. When I was in a suburban school, I would request 2 packs of crayons and 2 24 packs of pencils per student on the supply list. And that was so they would be able to switch to new supplies mid-year since some of their crayons would be somewhat worn down, but mostly because of loss.
And when we swapped? Old supplies went home before winter break, new supplies were unwrapped in January with a new talk about big responsibilities and being ‘almost’ 3rd graders or ‘almost’ 4th graders.
This isn’t some minor ethics thing like a kid left some extra supplies so she added them to the classroom bucket for future students.
She planned significant overages of supply donations from parents, then preemptively blocked the parents on social media to avoid being found on the marketplace.
If she’s willing to go that far for some extra bucks, what other lies will she tell to herself and others for minimal benefit? Can you trust her to be honest about what’s going on in the classroom?
About the safety (emotional, mental, physical) of kids? About what they are learning and how they are progressing?
No place in the classroom. Report her please.” churchey
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
There’s one of two possible situations here. 1.) the supplies are legitimately being properly used despite the very large numbers being requested or 2.) the teacher is stealing from the parents in a calculated manner.
In either case, the teacher has created at least the appearance of impropriety by having a side business and asking for unusually large numbers of school supplies from her class’ parents. I would avoid the assumption of either when you report it.
Let the school know exactly how many supplies the teacher has requested from the class and provide them with the address of the teacher’s supply shop and/or her social media.
Tell the administration that you feel that this situation gives a strong appearance of a teacher stealing from her students and students’ families, but that you feel they would be best able to evaluate the entirety of the situation.
By doing this, you completely distance yourself from jerk-itude by stating only the facts you know.
If, somehow, this is a legit situation (though I don’t see how it can be!) the school can counsel the teacher in separating her connection to the school from the shop and avoiding the suspicion that you very legitimately have. If she’s a lowdown, rotten thief, they can fire her butt.” OdoDragonfly
This teacher is either a thief or has a serious issue with needing supplies to be perfect. Does she throw out broken crayons and chewed pencils? Doubtful. In any case admin needs to find out.
9. AITJ For Making Fun Of My Grandpa's Horse Trauma?
“I (18f) took some horseback riding lessons and went riding for the first time this past week, and my parents and grandma went with me.
I was surprised grandma came but not grandpa.
Usually if one comes so does the other. I was told grandpa supports me but never wants to see a horse again.
I assume it had something to do with a story I’d heard about his military service that my dad told me a couple of years back when I’d asked. I guess he served in a cavalry unit in an African conflict in the 60s/70s (they all left Africa after the war), and apparently, he must have done something wrong or disobeyed his superior officer at one point – he was spared any serious punishment but was disciplined by riding “under-tail” in the return journey and then discharged.
I had asked what that means and it sounds like just being made to ride sort of upside down and backward – facing backward with some of your weight on the horse’s lower back, a little more sprawled than usual riding, but with your neck/head bent off the back of the horse and tucked around under the horse’s tail.
With a bind to keep you that way. I guess the horse still had no problem going back since it was surrounded by other riders in the normal upright position.
I never thought much of it, it sounded like a funny pose but I guess I could see how it’s unpleasant when all your fellow servicemen arrive back proud and upright and you’re in that position.
But when I was riding, at one point I sort of mimicked that position (the horse was standing still) and turned around on it and practiced balancing as my upper half was sort of bent down and around off its back for a second, and said, “Look, I’m Grandpa!” It was just meant to be a joke.
But my grandma, who’s usually hard to anger, got angrier than I’ve ever seen and said that’s nothing to joke about and was a very serious thing.
I was kind of perplexed. Compared to what can happen in the military, this sounded very mild and the mental image is sort of funny. I guess maybe I could have known better since he wouldn’t even come to watch me ride, but how could just that have been enough to make him never want to see a horse again when he liked them before?
I said sorry and it was just a joke but I can tell she’s still angry at me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You have now ridden a horse, meaning you are aware of the jostling/bumpy ride it is. Now, imagine you’ve been tied to the horse so you are partially upside-down (at least, your head is lower than the rest of your body) and the horse is moving.
The b***d rushing to your head, which is discomforting but now you are on a moving horse. At the very least, you’re likely to feel dizzy/nauseous. Oh, but your head is shoved right up its butt. Humiliating enough, right? Oh, but let’s not forget that a horse isn’t gonna NOT poo or pee just because there’s something in that area.
It’s not like you can really toilet-train a horse, after all, and moving gets the horse’s system moving, in more ways than one. Now, what do most people do when they get nauseous and are put in a situation that makes it worst? They tend to vomit.
So basically, there’s a hugely decent chance your grandpa spent at least a couple of hours dizzy/nauseous, vomiting (and possibly dry-heaving), and trying desperately not to breathe in or swallow any vomit plus horse pee and poop that his face was put in the direct path of.
And that’s not including such minor inconveniences as the flies/bugs that would definitely be flying around, attracted to the horse’s output and thus, Grandpa’s face.
You’re 18. If nothing else, the fact that this left such a lasting trauma on your grandpa should have been a clue that making a joke of it was gonna ruffle some feathers.
But you knew it was a punishment– something that by definition is meant to be a negative experience– and one meant to humiliate and demean–and it clearly did so for your grandpa. You are 18. You’ve got a lot of growing left to do but it should not be nearly as much as your actions indicate you are in need of.” Hodgepodgehedge
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Making fun of someone who was tortured is pretty heinous behavior. You have one twisted sense of humor and absolutely no empathy.
You heard what happened to your grandfather, and you thought it was funny enough to joke about. Your lack of sense, consideration, and care is appalling. The trauma of others is NEVER a source of amusement.
It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t think about it. Trauma is VERY real to the person experiencing it and YOU have no right to tell them otherwise. It is NOT a subject to joke about. Ever.
Man, I probably would go NC with you until you grew a brain and a heart – which obviously have not developed enough at this stage in your life.
You insulted and disrespected your grandparents horribly.
YTJ, YTJ, YTJ.” MbMinx
Another User Comments:
“You know, people are not designed, physically, to hang upside down for long periods of time. When was the last time you did that, without sitting back up after a few minutes?
There are obstacles that horses step over when they move.
They don’t typically account for having a ‘fifth leg’ suddenly. They can drag people through these obstacles, headfirst.
Horses do not typically warn you when they need to d******e. They go when they go. It’s unpredictable.
Try not just being upsidedown for at least an hour, possibly longer, but also being violently shaken by the horse’s movements, potentially kicked every time they need to take a big step, having limited mobility to dodge obstacles in your path, getting absolutely covered in any mud, dirt, and rocks the horse kicks up, getting urinated or pooed on, and not being able to stop at any time because you’re literally tied in place, and all the while, everyone around you is mocking you for it and laughing at you.
And then your grandchild mocks you, years later, after being explicitly told that the experience left you traumatized.
YTJ.” SmadaSlaguod
8. AITJ For Refusing To Follow My Husband's Family Tradition?
Tradition is tradition. But other times, sometimes it’s best for traditions to be left in the past.
“I, (F26) recently got married to my husband (M29). My younger sister (F15) and I are pretty close as my mom died when we were younger, and I acted as her mom while my dad went to work to provide for us.
Because of this, I chose my sister as my Maid of Honor. My husband was pretty on board with this as well. He and my sister are very close; he loves her dearly like she’s his daughter.
On the other hand, my husband’s family opposed my decision. I announced my choice during a family dinner with both families.
When I did so, my MIL excused herself and FIL followed. I was pretty confused because everyone gave me looks. They came back and told me that it was a family tradition to have the youngest daughter of the husband’s family as the Maid of Honor. I was surprised because I’d never heard of a tradition like that.
I kind of awkwardly chuckled and said “What kind of bullcrap tradition is that? Sorry but I’m not doing that.” The rest of the night was very awkward. I never brought up the situation again until the day before the wedding.
I was finishing up planning for the wedding when my SIL (F20) came to the venue asking for her dress.
I was confused and asked, “What dress?” She chuckled and said, “Doesn’t the Maid of Honor have a special dress?” At that point, I was fuming because I knew they had planned this without talking to me about it even when I told them AND my SIL that I wasn’t following the tradition.
I angrily told her, “You’re not the freaking Maid of Honor.” She stood shocked but eventually left. I felt bad for the way I told her off, but I already announced that my sister was my choice. I wouldn’t let them take control of MY wedding. The wedding did eventually happen with my sister as my Maid of Honor and SIL as one of the bridesmaids.
It was so fun and honestly the best day of my life. But I could feel the passive aggressiveness from my husband’s family.
Unfortunately, after the wedding, I got many angry texts from them and I saw hundreds of posts on social media saying how terrible I was for my decision. I did feel terrible about the way I spoke to SIL so I apologized over text.
She cursed me out and blocked me. I feel so terrible about the entire situation but I’m glad I stood my ground. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
They have no right to dictate your wedding choices, family tradition, or not. Your fiance should’ve warned you this was coming. You shouldn’t have responded with such an aggressive comment when they brought it up.
They shouldn’t have just presumed to send the sister there expecting the dress. You shouldn’t have yelled at the SIL when the parents probably put her up to showing up. They should’ve gotten over it after you made your choice and certainly after the wedding.
Basically, this is a situation of a ball of crap rolling down the hill getting bigger with each bad choice everyone’s making.” Rstar2247
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
So any other “Traditions” that they would expect you to follow?
And what about your husband, is he withholding anything else that you should know about?
One must wonder about those other traditions, but now you know how they are, and thus you can start to think about the future and what all it may entail.
There are a few things for you to consider: 1) Couples counseling for you and your husband. He needs to be the shield between you and his family. He needs to start looking at all of those quaint traditions and start opening up to you and get a feeling of what you would and would not go for.
2) Boundaries and consequences, you and he do need to be unified about such and willing to follow through, especially him. 3) While you may or may not be thinking about, children are one of those events that happen in the course of a marriage. You may want to start finding out what all your inlaws are going to expect.
Though remember, you do not forgive on their timeline and expect them to be all forgiving and rug-sweeping, guilting, and manipulating the moment that they find out that you are pregnant and then expect to hear about a few traditions that they are going to insist on, even try to manipulate you into agreeing to do, like say bonding with your baby, or being there in the delivery room, to leaving you out of family functions but expect your husband and your children to be there.
You and he have a lot to talk about, and he needs to understand, that when it comes to the children, if they do not make amends before you get pregnant, they do not get to see said children after they are born.” JCWa50
Another User Comments:
“ESH. They’re entirely in the wrong for expecting you to follow this tradition, and definitely for trying to force it, but saying “what kind of bullcrap tradition is that” was incredibly rude of you, and so was yelling at someone who was likely lied to about being your Maid of Honour by the rest of your husband’s family.
Although I guess she’s a jerk too for never even talking to you about it. Jerks galore, except your new husband.” Aether-Wind
7. AITJ For Not Telling My Husband's Family The Truth About My Family History?
“I’m an affair baby. This is something I have always been pretty well aware of but it’s not something I tell a lot of people. My mom was young when she met my father, and she was unaware at the time of the meeting that he was married. My mom found out the truth about him when his wife showed up one day and told my mother that she better leave town or else.
She found out about me less than a month later and told him. This is when his entire family found out.
My mom ended up raising me on her own mostly. He and his wife stayed together but there were times I met and was around his family because they hated that he needed to pay child support and eventually, mom had to agree to say no to child support in order to stop him taking me.
We then moved so I wouldn’t be subjected to the mistreatment. My father’s children told everyone, and I was in school with two of his nephews who spread the news around that I was an affair baby and that my father didn’t want me. I knew I was hated. My father’s children were never shy about the fact they hated me.
One of his daughters, when she was 17, told me she found me repulsive and that she hoped I would die from a really bad disease. I haven’t seen or heard from any of these people in more than 20 years now.
I met my husband when I was in college and I did tell him. He was always so kind about it and promised me nobody would treat me that way again.
He also respected that I didn’t want the news to go around. His family was always nice to me and had asked questions before about why I only had my mom. I told them I didn’t have much of a family and my father hadn’t wanted me.
They found out the truth in a way they never explained to me.
But a few days ago they confronted me about being an affair baby and how could I not tell them because it was “really freaking relevant.” My husband asked them why, and he said none of that was my fault. They said it was not so simple as my father being a deadbeat and my mom being the wronged party in that.
My husband told them it was never any of their business. They told me I was a liar and that I’m ashamed of what I am which is why I don’t tell people. They said my character was questionable knowing what they now know and that lying is never the answer.
I feel so bad because my husband is supporting me and this has damaged the relationship with his family.
I also hate that this is the exact reaction I didn’t want.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m an affair baby too, with a deadbeat father. First thing first… You deserve love, happiness, and hugs. Being an affair baby doesn’t define who you really are. Being an affair baby doesn’t mean you’re not a loyal person or that you’ll have an affair baby yourself.
You don’t ask to be born. You don’t ask to be bullied because some people think you’re responsible for your dad’s choice, and that the poooooor man can’t remember being married when he met your Mother.
Your in-laws think you deceived them, but they deceived you. And they refuse to tell you how they found out.
So they’re entitled to the truth but you’re not? Why? Unless they can explain why it is so important to know about that, they don’t need to know.
I’m ranting and I make no sense but I’m really sorry for you… I live in a country where nobody cares that I’m an affair baby. And I don’t talk about it, unless necessary or when the subject comes up because that doesn’t define who I am.
I hope you’ll be OK and I’m glad your husband is with you. They are the ones who ruined their relationship with their son, not you. You can be proud of yourself.” Minuw
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
“they said it was not so simple as my father being a deadbeat and my mother being the wronged party in that.”
Here’s the thing: Your in-laws don’t believe that your mom was clueless, EVEN though she really was. I guarantee you that your father’s wife and kids also don’t believe that your mom was clueless, which they need to process their narrative about your father having an affair. Your father’s wife was hoping to cover up the affair and avoid the social stigma of your father’s adultery, which is why she tried to drive your mom out of town.
The pregnancy ruined her cover-up. Since she couldn’t hide your father’s unfaithfulness and she wasn’t prepared to leave him, your father’s wife and their family needed someone to blame—And that’s, undeservedly, your mother and you.
I guarantee you that your father’s family reached out to your in-laws and told their version of events, in which they are blaming your mother for seducing a married man.
Your in-laws now see both your mother and you as manipulative liars who are covering up bad behavior with a fake sob story and who are trying to cover up their shameful past with your marriage to a good man, your husband. This is especially true if your father’s family and/or your in-laws have money—Seriously, if this is the case, then there’s a class angle here where they feel like you pretended to be of a higher social status and manipulated your way into marrying up.
Your in-laws aren’t seeing the trauma of your father seeking out a much younger woman and lying to her and then throwing her to the wolves once he couldn’t hide the affair: They aren’t seeing a young child stigmatized by her family for her father’s actions. They aren’t seeing your mother and you, particularly, as victims.
I’m so sorry. You aren’t responsible for any of this, and you don’t deserve this.” glimpseeowyn
6. AITJ For Telling My Stay-At-Home Wife That She Doesn't Do Anything?
No stay-at-home wife wants to hear that.
“I (33M) am married to Molly (36F). We have a son Theo (5M).
Molly and I got married 7 years ago, but both decided to focus on our careers before we jumped into anything ultra-responsible like children.
I’m a Journalist, and she was a Midwife – and we both did very well for ourselves, our combined income meant we could actually survive this economy.
Because we were so financially stable, and kind of getting on the older end of the spectrum for children, we decided to have our first (and only) child, which is Theo, of course.
When Theo was born, Molly and I both took time off of work to spend the first few weeks with him, but eventually, my paid break ended, and I was forced to go back to my job. Molly did not go back, in fact, Molly did not go back for so long that she was fired. This caused a giant rift between us at the time, but we came to the agreement that she could be a SAHM while I went to work.
This worked out for a few months until Theo started walking, and then Molly stopped doing anything around the house, she would go out with Theo all day, and I would inevitably come home to laundry everywhere, toys scattered, the kitchen a mess, and just no sense of cleanliness at all. I would end up having to clean the house after an 8-hour shift. Only to have to work more on reports.
This has continued, for the whole 5 years of Theo’s life, Molly has been terrible at cleaning, or taking care of the house at all, she does good with Theo, feeding him, cleaning him, etc, but I’m always left to clean the messes afterward. At a time I thought maybe it was too much for her, and asked if she wanted to hire a nanny while we both worked, but she refused.
I’ve asked her to maybe clean up a little before I come home, and she agreed, did it for a time, and then stopped.
Yesterday I had enough, I came home from work only to find play dough all over the living room floor, kitchen ingredients left out on the counters, water spilled over the hallway, toys everywhere, and food on the floor.
(Edit: I feel the need to clarify that I understand kids make messes, but this wasn’t just Theo’s mess, it was Molly’s mess too.) It was extra stress, and I finally snapped, I told Molly that I was done with it, that I wasn’t going to clean these messes anymore, that it was practically her job to clean the house, and that she does literally nothing, so this should be easy for her.
She snapped back, saying that she takes care of Theo all day, and is teaching him and making him into a good person (partially a lie, since Theo now goes to school between 9 and 3). She said that kids make messes, and if I can’t deal with that then I shouldn’t be a father. That I was horrid to say she does nothing when she takes care of a 5-year-old while I’m away.
It stopped after a while because Theo came inside from where he was playing in the garden, but I got told to sleep on the couch. I came back from work half an hour ago and I’m still getting the silent treatment, so I want to know if I was in the wrong and should apologize.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife IS doing nothing. Sure, childcare is hard, and taking care of a child all day can be a tough thing to do. But… your son is in school for 6 freaking hours. What is she doing during that? That’s MORE than enough time to do housework. I myself need an hour to simply mop the floor, do laundry and do the dishes.
Especially the messes your kid makes. Playdoh on the floor would have earned me a slap on the head and an order of “Pick it up and put it away nicely!”
Your wife is doing no crap all day while your kid is in school and then has the audacity to call you a bad father for working AND cleaning?
This woman is a joke. OP, I need you to show her this comment section later.” kuroka_gator
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I’ve done both, a career mom – now a SAHM with my own business I built the last 2 years while working and being the primary parent. It’s August, so I’m guessing he JUST started school.
Now, if he’s been in school for months – that’s different. But a week? She’s probably just catching her breath.
It’s way more work to raise a kid at home than meets the eye. It’s exhausting, actually. It’s not really feasible for one person to do all of the childcare and all of the home stuff and still have time for their own self-care.
You’re expecting too much of your wife with a young child. She’s raising him, she’s good with him, and she’s making sure he’s set up for success. She doesn’t do -nothing- she’s raising your kid! Hire a housekeeper – far less than a nanny.” Xoinkaera
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Just to give some perspective. I’m a single parent. I work full-time. Both of my kids are around your son’s age. I spend literally every free second I have cleaning and they completely undo it the moment they get home from school. Case in point: today I scrubbed the rug and tidied up the whole living room and in the space of me running to the restroom, they had knocked over a jar of pizza sauce and accidentally dumped cheese all over the room because they were trying to “have a pizza picnic.” I worked with them to clean it up, but it still looks like I did nothing.
In fact, I have relatives who aren’t welcome in my home anymore because I got sick of the comments about the mess in my house when all I freaking do is clean. Five-year-olds are just expert mess makers because they’re exploring and interacting with the world. It’s possible your wife has the place spotless until just before you get home but is fed up with the crappy way you speak to her.” Far_Past5304
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I would like some clarification. When she was working, did she clean or did it just become more apparent she was messy when she stopped working? I’m asking this because it might be worth addressing if her cleaning behavior changed or if your expectations did. If her behavior changed, she might genuinely be struggling with depression (being a stay-at-home parent can be incredibly lonely and isolating especially when you’re an older parent whose main contacts are all still in their career).
If she’s always been messy but your expectations changed, I would make it a point to try and come up with agreed upon must be done that day requirements (say clean dishes, swept floors, and clean clothes). Also, if she hasn’t already, small children CAN help. Have her “teach” your kid some age-appropriate life skills (chores).
I mean my child who is roughly the same age helps feed our cat, sweep, move clothes into the washer, and a few other things.” Turbulent_Smile_3937
5. AITJ For Not Letting My Kids' Mother Back In Their Life?
“I 24m have twins 8m&f who I obviously had very young. Their mom was my first partner and got pregnant with them when we were freshmen in high school (14/15). She came from a very well-off family whose public appearance meant everything to them.
She was on board with keeping them but a few months after giving birth, she and her parents told me that they wanted to give them up for adoption because they didn’t want the babies to “mess up” her future. I wouldn’t agree to it and that resulted in her signing away her parental rights, moving away, and blocking me on everything.
I tried to reach out to her and her family multiple times over the years up until the twins were 3. I continued to be the best dad I could be without her even though it was extremely hard and even made it through college with them. My sophomore year of college, I met a great girl who’s now my wife and has taken on the mother role for my kids.
They love her, I love her, it’s great. She legally adopted them after we got married and everything has been going so well.
About 3 months ago, I received a call from a number that seemed familiar but I couldn’t remember who it could be. When I answered, it was my kids’ bio mom asking about them.
I immediately told her that it wasn’t her place to ask about them, and they have a mom and to lose my number. Since that day I’ve gotten calls, texts, and voicemails from random numbers and they’re all from her. I never answer or respond to them.
A little over a week ago, I was out with my wife and kids when their bio mom approached me.
When I realized that it was her, I pulled her away from them and told her she needs to leave me and my family alone. She immediately started sobbing and telling me how sorry she was and how “all she craves is motherhood” and that she was young and dumb and “just wants her babies back.” I told her that I didn’t care and she made her bed now she needs to lay in it and that if she contacted me again I would be filing a restraining order against her.
We parted ways and I took my family home. My wife didn’t ask questions until the kids were asleep and that’s when I told her about the calls and texts. We talked about everything and my wife told me that I was being unfair to her for punishing her for a choice that she made and probably didn’t have a say in at 15.
She wants me to give her a chance to at least explain everything but I don’t feel like I want to do that. Raising 2 kids as a kid myself was hard and I did it with very little help. I don’t feel that I should give her a chance to explain her decisions but my wife says it’s unfair not to allow an explanation.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You don’t owe that woman a thing. She (& her family) made a decision years ago and it was to not be a part of the children’s lives. She now regrets it and wants to be their mom. Uh, NO! They have a mother who has been there day in and day out and is legally their mother.
What happens if they meet this woman, and the next week/month/year, she decides that being a “mom” isn’t for her and vanishes? Kids need stability and predictability.
Document everything and file a restraining order, if necessary. Explain it to your kids when they are old enough to understand and make a choice of their own.
If you let this woman in now, there’s no telling what she will want next. It could be a slippery slope.” Ducky818
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she gave up the kids for adoption. It’s basically the same as having a closed adoption. You can’t waltz back in 8 years later and be like “oh, I crave motherhood”.
Like they are some sort of snack you can fill up on whenever it suits you.
She can wait until they are 18 like anyone else who gives up their kids. I get she was young, but she’s 24 now.. she had at the very least the last 6 years to try to contact you. Instead, she lived her life and now that all the school and being young wild, and free is done she thinks she can pick up where she left off?
I think not.
My son’s dad abandoned him (and me an 18 yo mom) and when my husband wanted to adopt my son, his bio dad (after having zero contact for 6 years) said no. I didn’t care. I pushed it anyways. My son better not have some flake in his life.” Extreme_Sock_1153
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’re looking out for your kids.
I’m not sure she is the jerk though either. You said her family was all about appearances, did her parents force this? Even if they didn’t, she was 15. I know you were also, but you were possibly in a different mental place.
I get you don’t want her about, and it will confuse the kids.
However…. when they are older they will probably go looking (either you tell them the truth about their bio mom (if they don’t know now) or they do 23&me or something). If they do and she tells them you didn’t let her see them, they might resent you.
I think meeting her (just the 2 of you, no kids) to let her explain would be a good idea.
It’s not committing to anything, you can still refuse her anything she asks for, but it might give you closure.” trash_panda_lou
4. AITJ For Telling My Nephew How Ashamed I Am Of Him?
Sometimes the truth has to be revealed, even if it hurts.
“I (31m) am married to my wife Ella (31f). We have three children together. Our son is 7 and our daughters are 4 and 2.
A few months ago we learned Ella’s sister had a child and that her child had been removed from the home. Ella was contacted about taking in her nephew (Dex) who is also 7. Despite the shock and us not knowing our nephew, we chose to bring him into our home in an effort to give him the life Ella and her sister did not have.
I never expected us taking my nephew in to be a problem. But my family was vocal about us not taking in my nephew. This is where I should mention I am black, my wife is white. Our kids together are dark-skinned like me. Dex is white like my wife. Ella’s sister/Dex’s mom was involved in illegal activities which contributed to Dex’s removal. My family acted as though Dex was somehow responsible and doomed, and they told me it was selfish to bring him into a house with my children who will always get the blame for his actions.
I was livid. Dex is 7. Our kids love him and he’s already bonded so well with them. He’s little. But they treat him like a criminal. They refused to include him in the family. They told me he would not be welcome at family events.
So I chose to cut my family out of my life.
I told them I would not turn my back on a child who has nobody else, and who has done nothing to deserve abandonment.
One of my nephews is 15 and he got in touch with me recently to talk. He said he missed me and his cousins and hated that we didn’t see each other.
I told him I missed him too. I explained that adult issues were complicated sometimes and that hopefully, we could see each other soon. He told me I could see them if I kicked Dex out and that Dex is trouble, that he doesn’t deserve to tear our family apart. I told him Dex is a child who has nobody else.
He told me he was going to be the reason my kids end up in jail, and maybe even me too. I told him it was ridiculous. He told me I was being dumb and it was embarrassing to watch. He then said screw Dex, he doesn’t matter, etc. That’s when I snapped. I told him I was ashamed of how he was talking about an innocent kid and I was just as ashamed of the rest of the family who would put so much on a 7-year-old child.
I told him I would not dump Dex for them and it only added to how ashamed I was to have them request that repeatedly.
My nephew ended the call and straight after I got a message from my sister that I had no right to talk to her child that way. Then the rest of the family joined in.
And I can’t stop asking myself if it was wrong to say this to my nephew who is a 15-year-old kid. I ask myself if ending the call would have been better because dumping on a kid is perhaps not my finest moment.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ OP, every single member of your family is cruel, heartless, and ignorant and is letting fears of negative stereotypes drive their actions.
As for your nephew, while on one side I do recognize the who, what, where, when, why, and how your nephew learned his hatred for Dex, I also recognize that Dex has done literally NOTHING to deserve all of this next-level hatred. Your nephew is old enough to understand that a child should never be punished for the sins of his parents.
Dex’s mother screwed up and committed illegal crimes, and now your family thinks Dex is tainted and destined to follow in his mother’s footsteps and live the life of a criminal. This is where your family’s ignorance driven by fears of negative stereotypes comes in OP. There’s literally no other reason why they would make the conclusion that your children would get blamed for Dex’s own actions other than Dex is white and your children are dark-skinned. It lines up perfectly with this racist stereotype that children who are POCs are more problematic and tend to get into trouble more often than children who are white.
They don’t want your children to fall prey to that negative societal stereotype so they’re trying to get you to abandon Dex which is just as stupefying on every conceivable level as it is infuriating.
OP I am glad you made the right call to cut your family out of your life like that because it’s guaranteed at this point that not a single one of them will EVER change their ways.
Moreover, it’s clear they are intent on spreading this vitriolic bullcrap to the next generation because you had one of your own nephews spewing this same exact hateful rhetoric to you over the phone. As it relates to your sister who tried to chastise you for shutting your hateful nephew up over the phone, she’s got her head shoved all the way up her telling you that you had no right to talk to her child that way when your nephew talked about Dex like he did.
Thank goodness for big-hearted, caring, and loving people like you and your wife Ella in the world OP!” desolation29
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I think your nephew was well-coached and scripted and sent to talk to you with the notion that you would “go easy” on a “child” when he made horrible suggestions and said horrible things.
Fifteen these days is a Freshman in HS. He is more than old enough to understand that you don’t tell a respected adult that they’re “dumb”, that you’re “embarrassing to watch,” and tell them “screw him” about a child living in their house.
But the repeated suggestions that you kick said child out 100% came from your family and were coached into your nephew, and your response to tell him you were ashamed of him was by proxy to the rest of the family.
Do not second-guess yourself. Tell your family that you’re ashamed of them all for putting nephew up to that call, that in situations where “don’t talk to a child that way” applies the child is not telling the adult they’re “dumb” and it’s “embarrassing to watch” or suggesting they kick out a member of their family.
Then block them all and don’t look back.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Don’t start any, won’t be any.
Do get Dex counseling though. He may have seen and experienced all sorts of things he’s not able to talk to you about and which will affect him as he gets older and approaches puberty.
If he was a CPS placement, they should be able to help you with a list of appropriate therapists and it may be they will cover or subsidize it.” DevilSilver
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
When teens start acting like adults, they gotta deal with adult stuff. It very likely was encouraged for your nephew to call you.
Even if it weren’t, at some point young folks need to realize there is more than their immediate family in this world. Life is big, families change, words leave scars, and you have to own up to your mistakes.
It does hurt a whole lot though! I had a sort of similar thing with my niece.
While I wanted to be lenient, I could not. She said hurtful things and I had to draw the line. I let her know I’ll always love her but I won’t tolerate hate and verbal abuse by anyone, even her. What kind of role model would you be if you didn’t draw the line here?
You are doing a good job op!” bb-bodyweight
3. AITJ For Embarrassing My Son After I Didn't Remind Him To Shower?
“I (F 40s) have a son “Mike” (M15). He is a good kid except he has a bit of a video game issue. He will lose track of time very quickly and forget to do other things unless he is reminded multiple times (and even then he gets mad that he is being reminded).
Example: he will forget the time I told him to come down and eat, and get mad if I call him more than once but then comes down half an hour later and is mad that his food is cold.
A while ago he was doing badly in school because he couldn’t stop playing soon enough to be able to complete his homework by the end of the day so we took away his console until he got his grades up.
They’ve been fine ever since.
One thing I had been dealing with for over a year now is the fact that he will forget to shower. We had an issue where he wouldn’t stop playing to shower (or at least take a break to do so) and he would be making noise at 10-11 PM when he finally realized he hadn’t yet.
This was an issue for me as I have to wake up at 2 AM to get ready for work and I would always be woken up since my room shares a wall with the bathroom.
I then told him that he had until 9 PM to shower: no later than that. This wouldn’t work either and while he did shower before 9 three or four times, he quickly went back to the same pattern.
Keep in mind that I would remind him to shower MULTIPLE times throughout the day, starting as soon as he got home from school. Didn’t work.
So, about a few days ago I decided I was done. I wasn’t going to remind him 10 times throughout the day and left him. He did not shower for 4-5 days in a row.
He plays sports. He stunk. He still didn’t shower.
Yesterday was the 4th or 5th day without showering and he came home from school very angry. He wouldn’t speak to me in the car and was wearing a hoodie even though it’s 100+ degrees here. He got home and immediately showered.
Later in the day, he blew up, yelling “why didn’t anyone tell me I smelled bad!?” He was very mad because apparently his friends had been acting weird and a girl he has a crush on ended up being the one to tell him he smelled bad and offered him deodorant.
He was extremely embarrassed and hasn’t spoken to any of us since the angry speech he gave after school yesterday.
I feel bad that he had to be embarrassed but I didn’t know what else to do. AITJ? Should I have handled it a different way?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your behavior shows that you are not expecting him to limit his gaming interaction to a reasonable amount, and engage with people and social activity around him.
He is in the ‘learning how life works’ stage and you are just letting him cruise through on his emotional desires. You are providing no consequences other than words and trust me – they don’t work with teen boys. No words and quiet calm actions can work more effectively. (Eg – if you told everyone that there would be no traffic police tomorrow and no consequences for speeding except to be told ‘don’t speed’ – can you imagine the chaos on the roads?)
How is his homeschooling? Is he self-disciplined, engaged with his learning, working to a standard that reflects his personal circumstances and capabilities? I think that you need to take a serious look at the whole picture, not just one little problem as he is already blaming you for social things he should have already learned. I’m sorry to sound so harsh – it wasn’t intended but I thought to try showing that this might be more alarming than just showering.” DaisySam3130
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Lots of good advice in the replies but I’m going to throw out two additional points that may, or may not, be relevant:
Neurodivergent people, especially as kids, often have hygiene issues. They might simply struggle with maintaining a hygiene routine due to executive dysfunction, or they might subconsciously avoid bathing or showering (or other hygiene tasks) due to sensory issues.
Body-image issues are also a reason many people, young and old, will find themselves avoiding bathing or showering. This can be standard teenage body discomfort as well as things like body dysmorphia, gender dysphoria (I know so many trans people who went through bad hygiene phases as teenagers), or various forms of trauma.
Not saying either of these applies to your kid, but you’d know better than the rest of us if they do.
Also, video games can be a means to facilitate dissociation, especially from one’s body. Some of the people who have the most trouble getting “addicted” to gaming are people who are trying to avoid dealing with something, which could be body issues or could be things like depression or anxiety. (Games are great, but this can be the reason why some people struggle with enjoying them in moderation.)” MotherTeresaOnlyfans
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Not because you didn’t remind him because he is old enough to do that but because you failed him as a parent.
As someone who games and knows how expensive games and gaming systems are I’m pretty confident he isn’t buying it himself.
How did you let your son’s addiction get to this point?
You cracked down a little when he started failing but then didn’t actually continue that path and fix the clear addiction instead just letting it go until his hygiene gets so bad people’s disgust overrides social norms to ignore unpleasant attributes people have and actually tell him and offer him deodorant.
You’ve enabled his addiction and have set him up to fail.
Do your job and take his crap until he can get himself under control and teach him how to regulate and time manage.” lesbianbell92
2. AITJ For Refusing To Name My Daughter After My Mother-In-Law?
“I’ve had a bad past with my MIL. When I met her she was with her first husband, FIL, who did not like me at all because I wasn’t Jewish.
He begged and bribed my wife to end things, and when we got married he disowned her and pressured MIL to go along with him.
For some background, FIL was 30 years older than MIL. She hadn’t worked since she met him, and had a classic lit degree, which she had only got to look for a husband and had no idea how she would use it if crap hit the fan.
They had a very traditional marriage where he was head of the household, but he also treated her very well, for the most part, gave into her, and she was in no way afraid of him, so I fully blame her for disowning her daughter.
FIL died during the estrangement. MIL reached out years later when she was remarried and wanted to mend things.
She claimed that she didn’t want to disown her daughter, but he pressured her. Then she didn’t reach out when he died, because she was embarrassed. She said she is a different person now and wants to fix things.
To be honest I don’t think she is a different person. I just think she is rich from FIL dying and now has nothing to lose.
She is still money-obsessed, in deep denial, and performatively Jewish when she wants to be. I really don’t want her around my daughter, but agreed to compromise with my wife.
Recently we got into a fight about the past and MIL said the exact words “I thought your father was wrong but I wasn’t going to be poor for anyone.
I’m sorry. I wish I was a better person.” That solidified everything I think about her.
Anyway, our first child is named after my mom. MIL knows this and found out what we are planning on naming the child my wife is pregnant with. She burst into tears and said we will never forgive her.
Her husband later sent us a text about how we are really mean to her and what did we want her to do with an ironclad prenup and no career prospects. I texted back “I wasn’t going to be poor for anyone” with a vomit emoji.
My wife is now backtracking and saying her mom’s name is such a common middle name and it’s pretty, so why not just throw her a bone and use our original name with hers for the middle?
I said no and no every time she brings it up I just repeat “I wasn’t going to be poor for anyone.” MIL found this out and has been crying. A lot of people think I was too hard on her and it’s just a middle name.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
You are quick to judge and slow to empathize.
Your MIL told you exactly what kind of person she is, but it doesn’t follow that she is a bad or irredeemable person. I can think of several reasons, based on religion, social status, family, culture, age, as well as finances, why she would choose to stay with her husband.
Do I respect or even like people like her?
No, but I do know there are myriad of reasons why people choose to stay with abusive/controlling spouses and few of them make the victim a jerk.
I can’t even blame your MIL for choosing finances. I’ve been poor, it sucks. I don’t know that I would choose her bank account over adult children, but I don’t really blame her.
Unless y’all were planning on stepping up and supporting her, she made the choice necessary to take care of her best interests.
Venal and mercenary, but not beyond redemption.
As for the name thing, that’s just manipulative and a red herring. Ignore it.
Talk with your wife about what she wants as a relationship with her mom going forward and develop a plan so y’all are on the same page.
If MIL can prove she has changed and wants a second chance, then give her that chance. Your wife deserves the chance to have her mother back and if MIL fails, then y’all can go no contact with a clear conscience.” the_owl_syndicate
Another User Comments:
“ESH – her for her obvious reasons. But you because she has taken accountability for her past mistakes multiple times and yet you are still berating her and everyone else for/about it….she apologized and took accountability when she first got back in touch with you and also when she said: “I’m sorry.
I wish I was a better person” which you conveniently removed from your quote. I actually really respect her words here, that takes a lot of guts, self-introspection, and remorse to say. The quote you love so much is her actually admitting that she was awful in the past. Don’t you understand someone can change and have remorse?
You’re the only one still behaving like a jerk here. You seem very pleased with yourself for rubbing this particular quote in everyone’s faces, regardless of how your behavior is hurting them….Including your pregnant wife, who you are supposed to love and support. It’s not up to you to forgive your wife’s mum, it’s up to her… and it seems like she wants her mother in her life.
You don’t have to name your child after her or even have a relationship with her other than being civil, but stop being a smug and insufferable jerk who believes he has the moral high ground when really he’s the only one hurting anyone or displaying less than favorable qualities by behaving so childishly (repeating the quote).
Please consider the fact that whilst pregnant, your wife needs your compassion and support more than ever.
Good luck.” bunkbedgirl1989
Another User Comments:
“YTJ just for saying “performatively Jewish.” She is Jewish, and that doesn’t change with her marriage or yours. You are in a mixed-culture marriage and you can’t just dismiss your wife’s background or her family’s without consequence; nor do you get to completely reject the idea that MIL was pressured just because her husband was generally kind to her – there are all sorts of pressures that go along with being part of a community centered around religious rules of which you apparently have no idea.
And those pressures are intensified by being completely financially dependent on your spouse.
You haven’t mentioned your MIL’s pre-marital financial situation but the fact she had an excellent prenup that she couldn’t contest even after raising a family with her first husband suggests that she was significantly poorer than her spouse and without further information, you probably shouldn’t be so judgemental on whether she was right to reject poverty as an option for herself.
You don’t even mention that she’s never experienced it, so either you’ve missed a key piece of info that would have significantly helped your case, or you have no idea whether she had enough to eat growing up. That just smacks of you not understanding how differently men and women can be affected by cultural conservatism.
Even if she had a comfortable childhood, she’s clearly been indoctrinated from a young age (and this happens in a lot of conservative cultures, particularly religious ones, so it’s not just a feature of her Jewishness, which you seem to have a problem with) that the only respectable path for a young woman is to marry well; and part of that indoctrination is almost always that it’s backed up by a thousand horror stories (not always true, but also not contradicted by the evidence available to the people being indoctrinated) of what single life and poverty would mean and how miserable it would be.
That kind of conditioning is very hard to break, and MIL shouldn’t be condemned entirely for not being able to do so.
Not to mention that an age gap so significant creates a huge power imbalance within the marriage – it sounds like your MIL was pressured into marrying young by her family and only realized the consequences when she was too dependent to get out.
That’s something you should be more forgiving of.
You’re also being hugely dismissive of your wife’s feelings and opinions here. And her mother is absolutely right, you are stating pretty firmly that you will never forgive her. It’s not fair for you to make life difficult for your wife to stay in touch with her family if that’s what she wants to do.
Even if you dislike or disagree with them you should be more considerate of how this makes your wife feel.” redcore4
1. AITJ For Telling My Wife That She Comes Second To My Daughter?
“My daughter is 14, the divorce between me and her mom is still an open wound but we try our best to make everything feel as normal as possible with the split.
I remarried my wife Isla, my daughter isn’t mean, but she does not view her as a mom, which in my opinion is okay.
As long as she’s respectful which she is. They do plenty together, they go out, took an interest in cooking together, watch shows together, etc.
I’ve told Isla to be patient with my daughter. If something is wrong I’d expect her to come to me and I will talk with my daughter and make sure we resolve the issue.
But as far as the harsh parts of parenting, that’s up to me.
So the other day, my daughter came to me saying she wanted to go to her mother’s. I asked why she did because she looked upset. She said to ask my wife. I called her mom and she said she’d pick her up but hasn’t heard any issues from my daughter.
My daughter’s birthday is coming up, we are doing a quince for her. She’s very excited.
So Isla went to my daughter, saying she wanted to have a quince “just with us” meaning without her mother or her family.
When my daughter said she wanted her mom there, especially because of how big of a deal this is, Isla was pretty much trying to force the issue and telling her that she can do one here and just as big.
My daughter asked why she’s trying to leave her mom out of such an important event. And Isla got mad at her for that and accused her of being bratty and if she wants her mom so bad she should go there.
I was so confused because what the crap? What argument even is that?
First of all, there’s a reason she went behind my back and told my daughter, second of all she’s not my kid’s mother, and the more she tries to replace her the more my daughter will resent her, third of all she’s never welcome to insult my daughter because of her issues and I don’t know where and why she thought this would fly.
I told her this and her argument was that she wanted to be noticed by my daughter and why I care so little about her feelings. I told her my daughter notices her, they go out on “girls’ days” weekly, they go out, watch movies together, etc, my daughter has been plenty inviting to her frankly I’m surprised at how well she’s opened up to her but now she will have to earn her trust back.
She again asked why I keep “taking my daughter’s side and not meeting her in the middle.” I told her she was wrong here, simple as that. I told her that if she expects me to turn on my daughter she’s out of her mind and my daughter comes first in any situation.
She started crying and accused me and saying she’s in “second place” to which I confirmed. I would never want her to put me over a kid, she left and now isn’t speaking to me.
I’ve asked my daughter if this behavior was consistent. She said that she feels like Isla makes it a point to not talk about her mom but nothing this extreme.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Op, thank you, sincerely. From a kid who was always put after a jerk stepparent’s needs and desires, thank you.
Sticking up for your kid was the best thing you could have done in that situation. You’re doing your job as a parent by protecting your kid and putting them first. If you weren’t nasty about it and you weren’t degrading to your wife, then the message was correct. The child SHOULD come first in a relationship such as this.
However, you now need to do your job as a husband and get to the bottom of your wife’s feelings and motives. It seems like she views your daughter’s mother as competition, which is not uncommon in stepparents but is still a bad situation to allow to continue. The bottom line is that your wife needs to stop trying to exclude your daughter’s mother, and needs to form her own connection with her instead.
She’s basically trying to replace your ex-wife in your daughter’s life, and is using guilt-tripping and gaslighting tactics to do so against both your daughter and YOU. You need to set boundaries, go over everyone’s concerns and feelings, and get things sorted so your household doesn’t become a toxic heck hole.” ForbiddenMeatStick
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, my parents aren’t divorced, but there is a clear hierarchy. Their grandkids come first, then my sister and me (even though we are both adults), and then it’s each other. This hierarchy is well understood, and no one disagrees with it.
Within reason, the needs of your children come before the needs of your partner.
Especially if the needs are related to an event for the kid. Like a birthday.
So not only did your wife place her needs before the needs of your child. She did so for your kid’s birthday party and she went behind your back to try and get it. So not only NTJ for saying your kid is number 1, but also NTJ for being mad at your wife.
Your wife is an adult, she should have talked about her insecurities with you instead of trying to manipulate your kid.
That all being said, your wife screwed up pretty badly. But especially since this was a first it isn’t an instant dealbreaker. So if you want to be both a good parent and a good husband you need to talk to her about her feelings about your kid’s mom and see if you can help.
Because your wife wanting to replace your daughter’s mom isn’t healthy. Your daughter has a mom and it’s not your wife.” Vinxian
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, nothing like bringing drama and emotional upheaval into your child’s life with a new spouse.
Your 2nd wife’s behavior shouldn’t be a surprise if you knew her well enough before you married her.
You chose to create a blended family and now you’re upset that it’s not hunky dory.
Isla is completely out of line but you are the one who created this situation. Now you have an unhappy daughter (quite rightly) and an unhappy wife. What’s the connection between the two? Hmmm.
Your daughter should have the quince SHE wants (with or without your new wife-that should be your daughter’s decision) and you and Isla need to seek professional help to determine why this happened. What’s her part in this drama and what’s yours?” MagicianOk6393
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. While I think it is great that you support your daughter, you need to put up a united front with your wife. Your wife was way out of line, but that needs to be discussed very privately between the two of you and you should have both addressed the matter together with your daughter when you came to an agreement.
This shows your daughter that you and your wife are a team and that you respect your wife’s thoughts and opinions. Siding with your daughter in front of your daughter and telling your wife she’s second place is not healthy. You are creating unnecessary animosity between your daughter and wife. This is creating a daughter versus wife environment where they feel like they are competing with each other rather than being a family.
This is a horrible, horrible situation and if this continues you will end up with a second ex-wife, guaranteed.” hadenough34
