People Respect What We Have To Say About Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
22. AITJ For Speaking Spanish At Home To Practice For My Puerto Rican Family?
“I (17F) am from a white American family who only speaks English. We also live in the Midwest so there isn’t a relatively large Spanish-speaking population here.
I only know Spanish because it’s a high school credit requirement for the college I want to go to but I ended up really enjoying learning the language.
My cousin (35M) married a woman (37F) from Puerto Rico. She spoke very little English when we met and I used the little broken 1st-year-student Spanish I knew to help her the best I could at family gatherings where only she, her husband/my cousin, and I spoke any semblance of the language.
It has been 3 years since then and she’s improved her English greatly, and I would like to say the same about my Spanish. A few months ago she invited me to hang out with her niece (19?F) who was coming to visit from PR and who also doesn’t know English well.
I said sure, and she told me to keep practicing or I’ll get rusty since school is out.
So, I’ve been repeating phrases under my breath when I’m at home with my parents. I’ll say it in English to whoever I’m talking to then to myself in Spanish.
Normal stuff, like “When is dinner?” (“que hora es cena?”) or I’ll talk to my dogs in Spanish because y’know, they’re dogs and can’t really understand English either. My dad HATES it. He says it’s ridiculous and this is America, and I shouldn’t cater to their needs because they should learn English.
He also said I’m being sneaky and trying to hide things by speaking Spanish. He blew up on me today in particular (4th of July) because it’s “about Americans only today.” My mom agrees. I asked my PR cousin and she basically just said they weren’t fully wrong and not to practice at home anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ it’s always a good thing to know more than one language and you’re doing it for a really sweet reason. But regardless PR is also a part of the US, it’s a US territory. They celebrate the 4th too! And guess what their 1st official language is?
Spanish (English is their 2nd official language) And guess which country doesn’t have an official language? Yep. The good ol’ US of A. So in conclusion, every facet of his argument is incorrect. Now, while I as an adult daughter, LOVE making my dad mad, this argument might not be your best course of action at this time.
In 10-15 years, you can absolutely decide it’s time to start swinging facts around like fists, now might not be the time.” Low-Assistance9231
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, let your dad live his boring sanitized life in his tiny little Fish & Chips box and take the high road.
You will be going places and exploring the world, don’t let them stop you. In the vein of “work smarter, not harder”, I’d avoid escalation and keep the Spanish to a minimum when your parents are close. You won’t change your parents’ nationalistic misguidance, so don’t waste your time trying to get them to understand how their close-minded stance cuts them out of enriching their lives.
You could listen to podcasts with headphones to get your daily Spanish fix and practice in the car.” miumiumiau
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Expanding your horizons is never bad. You are learning a language that can come in handy in different parts of the world, with Spanish you will be able to understand Portuguese, Italian, and French, to some degree.
How could this be a bad thing? Spanish has more native speakers than English does! What your father is trying to tell you is nonsense. There is no true “American experience”, the U.S. may not be as diverse as Brazil is as of now but it is nevertheless a melting pot of cultures that was built by immigrants, immigrants from various backgrounds.
Not everyone spoke English upon arriving in what is now the United States of America. While it is true that most settled on English to communicate with one another, English served as a bridge to have people coming together, which is exactly what you are doing right now with the Spanish language.
You are using Spanish as a bridge between people, for the sake of getting to know one another better. You are disproving the mean stereotypes people have of “Americans” because you care enough to learn outside of what you got brought up to consider as your comfort zone.
Your father should know that the U.S. doesn’t have any official language, so even if he tried to tell you English is an official language that is recognized all over the country, it’s not. He could look this up if he doesn’t believe you.
If he’s still eager about the “true experience”, start shouting in an indigenous language and explain to him how Native Americans stepped on the land first. I hope more people think the way you do because honestly, the world’s future looks a lot brighter that way.” ZeiWat
21. AITJ For Changing My Dad's Homophobic Views And Supporting The LGBTQ+ Community?
“I (19f) am from India.
My extended family is very homophobic and believes that men who wear makeup are gay and queer people can be “fixed.” My dad (56m) used to believe these things too but I’ve managed to change his mindset and educate him on the lgbtq+ community.
Yesterday my aunt (51f) came to visit us.
During dinner, my dad casually mentioned that he really likes a K-pop group. My aunt responded with “You shouldn’t support them, they’re gay, men shouldn’t wear makeup, etc etc”. My dad basically told her to shut up and stop being a homophobe. Today she called me and accused me of “brainwashing” my dad with my gay propaganda and forcing him to support lgbtq+ people.
I’m pretty sure I’m not the jerk but some of my friends think I should apologize to her because she grew up in a conservative environment and it’s not her fault that she’s homophobic. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When you deprogram someone from a cult, to the cult it always looks like you brainwashed them.
Historically makeup has swung between being for men, for women, or unisex depending on the region and time period, but to be honest it’s powder or paste you put on your face to appear more attractive. It doesn’t matter if it’s a woman making their lips a brighter color or a man using concealer to hide eye bags.
It’s got the same purpose at the end of the day and washes off in the morning.” gdex86
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And kudos to Dad for liking Kpop! Idols are performers. They wear makeup. It literally makes no difference whether they are gay or not.
All idols wear makeup. It is literally their job to wear makeup, part of their uniform. Actors wear makeup too for performances, movies, and appearances. Does your aunt like watching movies? Does she think every actor, singer, or performer is gay? Turn her logic against her.
You can apologize (if you want or feel the need to), but tell her that you are sorry that SHE feels the way she does, but that you and Dad are entitled to your own opinions, and will continue to support a group you like.
I hope you get to take Dad to a K-pop concert one day!” InitialSquirrel7491
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Of course NTJ. If your dad can evolve, so can your aunt. He’s even older than her, so what, exactly, is her excuse? Don’t apologize for anything.
You have nothing to be sorry for. Your dad chose to listen to you, you didn’t (and couldn’t) force him to change his beliefs. He did that on his own, and the world is a little kinder for it. It’s very sad that your aunt can’t see that as a good thing and follow his lead.” DiTrastevere
20. AITJ For Defending My Younger Sister Against My Bossy Friend?
“I (17) have a friend Jill (17) who’s a bit bossy but I was always able to overlook this downfall. She’s always in my house and my sister Milly (10) always wants to hang out. It can be a little annoying but I sometimes let her.
I recently noticed Jill being snide and rude to my sister and it annoyed me so I asked her to calm down. She said “hey Milly get me juice, now” and my sister looked at me, I told her I’d do it and it was fine but Jill insisted saying “no, she’ll do what she’s told if she wants to hang out.”
This was the last straw, I told her “who do you think you are? This is our house, don’t you ever talk to my sister like that, stop telling her what to do.” Jill looked at me angrily and said “you’re seriously taking her side?
She’s a jerk and she’s so annoying.” This is when I told her to leave and not to talk to me again because I’ll always take my sister’s side as she’s not the one in the wrong and I’m loyal to my family first and foremost. She stormed out and I thought that was it.
3 days later her mom messaged me over social media saying “you’re a jerk, my daughter didn’t do anything wrong, your sister was awful to her.” She called my sister a slur and told me I was a jerk for “choosing my sister”. My mom told me I did the right thing and that she’s proud of me, but I feel like I should’ve handled it better so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!!! Jill is immature and a jerk! Kudos to you for sticking up for your sister and not letting your friend think it’s okay to treat people that way. Although your estranged friend is clearly a crappy person, I’m honestly more upset about her mother’s behavior and the comments directed toward you and Milly.
Completely unacceptable! As someone who is entering motherhood myself, that’s so upsetting to hear. She, an adult, is harassing a minor. I’d be giving Jill’s mother a phone call. Again, kudos to you and your maturity! Better friends are on the horizon.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were standing up for your sister. Jill probably lied about things to her mom so don’t take it personally. If you want to message your side of things and/or block her. You don’t need to endure abuse for refusing to allow someone to call your 10-year-old sister a jerk.” ImpossibleBlanket
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While I totally remember being a teen and not caring for younger siblings being around when hanging out with friends, there’s no excuse for Jill to treat your sister like that. What’s worse is all you asked for was some basic decency.
I applaud you for standing up for Milly. It was have been frightening to have someone she probably admired start talking to her like that.” [deleted]
19. AITJ For Moving Out For College Despite My Mom's Emotional Blackmail?
“I (20-year-old male) recently told my mom (54-year-old female) that I was going to move out of the house to finally go to college. She went ballistic and she told me that I can’t leave her to die here and that she’s going to become really depressed if I leave.
I told her that I already applied and got approved for the college but she still kept yelling at me and once again said that she couldn’t live without her little boy and that I was too young to live alone saying I’ll die without her.
And she’s trying to force me to stay.
She did the same thing to my brother and forced him to stay for two years longer than he wanted to. And I don’t want that to happen to me so I told her that I don’t care what she says I’m going to college and she can’t do anything about me moving out.
She started bawling her eyes out saying you can’t do that don’t be like your dad please don’t leave. I packed a bag and left.
Right now I’m staying with a friend and my sister keeps messaging me saying you’re such a jerk you could have just stayed and I just blocked her.
My brother is on my side and he’s happy that I didn’t stay longer than I had to. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“First off, congratulations on getting into college and taking the next step in your life – good for you! I hope you’re proud of yourself and I only wish your family could have been more supportive.
Second, NTJ. The language your mom uses “little boy”/die without her”/”die without you” – it’s all very catastrophic. I think your mom suffers from some kind of attachment issue because it’s not normal for her to try and prevent you from having your own life.
You’ve done the right thing for both of you and I’m sure she’ll get over it in time. Good luck.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re an adult; supposed to move out and go to college. She’s an adult; supposed to be able to live on her own.
She sounds like my mom, so don’t be surprised if she starts to use threats as an attempt to control you. If she does, go to the police, and show the texts where she makes threats, and have them do a wellness check. I practically guarantee she’ll never pull that move again.
I did so, and after they let my mother go from the psych ward, she insisted she didn’t really mean it. I told her that I don’t care, and every time she threatened to harm herself or others, I would call the cops again. She never did it again.” kittycuteikus
Another User Comments:
“And here I thought I was bad. My son left for a few months to help his friend in another state and I bawled like a baby at the airport drop off. Your mom will be mad that she didn’t get her way and will move on to the next tantrum-worthy issue.
If your mom keeps threatening things because you’re going to COLLEGE then call the authorities to have her involuntarily committed (or the equivalent if you’re in another country than the US). Good luck in college! NTJ.” whoozywhatzitnow
18. AITJ For Refusing To Share My Amazon Prime Account With A Colleague?
“I work in an IT company and have a small team.
We get along quite well. I prefer to keep my personal and professional life separate. I rarely talk or hang out with my colleagues after office.
Recently a colleague of mine asked for my Amazon Prime account to watch movies and series. I have never shared my Amazon details, not even with my family.
My colleague gets paid well. Can totally afford it but instead of getting his own account he uses his cousin’s. I think he is not able to use it for some reason and has asked for mine.
I have a major problem with saying no. I don’t know how to be firm and say no because an Amazon Prime account seems like such a small thing.
On the other hand. It costs only 1500 INR here. Something he can easily afford. So I don’t want to give it to him. Of course it’s the weekend now and when we go back to the office he is going to ask for it again.
I don’t know how to deal with it. WIBTJ for not sharing the account.”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ dear lord that’s a nervy request! If you’re uncomfortable saying no try practicing your reply in your head a bunch of times. Think about what possible reactions he could have and plan to respond with the same firm no. You do not need to explain your reasoning.
It may help in two ways: you’ll have a rehearsed response and the repetition from practice will tend to be what you first blurt out.” Spiritual-Topic-5760
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. There’s nothing wrong with saying “No.” A lot of people share streaming accounts but I think it’s one of those things that can only be offered, never requested. Amazon Prime in particular because you can’t just give them access to Prime Video.
They’d have access to your cart, to your payment info and addresses, and if they even found themselves bored could snoop through your purchase history. This would be a big, fat no from me without even having to think about it.” echoCashMeOusside
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Practice in the mirror. You know he is going to ask again, so practice until it just rolls off the tongue. “No, I don’t share my password. Please don’t ask again.” Stand tall and stare straight into his eyes with no expression. Don’t smile.
Think of it like you are acting and outside yourself watching a strong woman you admire stand up for herself. It gets easier with practice and the right mindset. But just an FYI in case you ever find someone you want to share your account with (definitely not a random beggar colleague).
You can share your Amazon Prime with separate access. My husband and I share his Prime membership but have individual access – our own passwords, payment info, and order histories. We set it up because of the Kindle – I felt bad he had all of my books on his account like he would never be able to find any books he downloaded. But it’s really convenient for purchasing surprise presents and not messing up which card you purchase something on.
His Prime music doesn’t share though.” Few_Improvement_6357
17. AITJ For Yelling At My Dad After He Dumped My Bathroom Trash On My Bed?
“My (16) dad (45) and I have been bickering back and forth over where I need to dispose of my menstrual products. I repeatedly tell him that is what a trashcan in the bathroom is for. He argues that I need to throw them immediately into the kitchen trashcan.
I never do this as it is gross and embarrassing, but I always keep the bathroom door closed and I empty the trashcan when it gets too full. I am the only person who closes the door so, the dogs get into the bathroom and bring out a used product into the living room.
My solution is to just close the door.
My dad was fed up with this today after coming home from work and seeing this (I was currently at work) and decided to dump out the entire bathroom trashcan on my bed. When I came home to see this I got very angry and stormed out of my room and then sorta yelled at him asking why he did it.
He got angry at me and called me a jerk and normally if I’ve done nothing wrong and my dad yells my mom will defend me, but this time she didn’t. So now I wanted outsider input, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. No one I know dumps used feminine hygiene products in the KITCHEN trash can.
A trash can with a lid that closes so that the dog cannot get into it is the solution – Dad the jerk didn’t think of this solution. Instead, he dumps them on the bed of a 16-year-old child! Mom and Dad are the jerks.
Either of them could’ve bought a sturdy, closing can for the bathroom, and kept the door closed. The dog should not be able to open the bathroom door by pushing on it hard either, again on the parents to provide all of these.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are quite right to use the bathroom wastebasket for your used menstrual products. It is also an appropriate place for a lot of other bathroom trash. Does your dad make your mom put her used products in the kitchen trashcan? Does he put empty toilet paper cores in the kitchen trash?
Your dad was wrong to empty that wastebasket on your bed. I would suggest getting a trashcan with a lid that would keep the dogs out. One of those with a lid that opens when you step on a pedal would be better than one with a swinging lid.
If you can’t find one in the bathroom section of your local big-box store, try the kitchen section.” Sea-Confection-2627
Another User Comments:
“Sigh… Personally, ESH. I agree that your dad was a jerk for dumping the trash on you bed. No denying that. However, if the dog is getting into the trash can then it makes sense to place your used menstrual products in the kitchen trash can until a better bathroom trash can is purchased. Now, if dad refused/refuses to do that, then Dad is the jerk.
It’s telling that your mom didn’t back you up on this though. She may agree with him, because of the dog. So since you’ve been fighting with him over this, why not stop and get your mom’s opinion and find out why she left you to hang on this.
Finally, two comments: 1: my dad acted just as stupid when I finally started my period. He didn’t blink at my mom putting her used pads and tampons in the trash can, but me? You’d think I’d committed some unforgivable sin for doing the same.
Mom finally had to tell him to get his ish together, he had a daughter, and this was a fact of my life. 2: personally, I preferred tossing my pads into the kitchen trash, since dad was the person who ensured all trash was taken out every week.
Don’t know why it’s such a big deal. I still prefer putting my tampons in the kitchen trash, since I ensure the trash goes out every week, whereas my bathroom trash might not get emptied for a month.” mariposa34221
16. AITJ For Not Washing My Dishes The Same Day I Use Them?
“I (31f) live with my best friend “J” (41m).
We work together and have been close friends for many years; we’ve also both been single for over 10+ years each, so we sometimes casually refer to each other as our “partner.” I don’t think that’s relevant, but I guess I’m in favor of more information than less.
Anyways, we used to live together in a large house (Boston), but then our landlord sold the property out from under us. This was J’s home for 10 years, and the landlord gave us literally 25 days to find a new home. (Feel free to get spicy about landlords, US housing law, and whatnot, but that’s not the point of this post.)
We hastily signed a lease for a new apartment that is much smaller. If you’re familiar at all with Boston rent, it is *insane* right now. We basically live in a studio that we used curtains to turn into a “2-bedroom.” Needless to say, we’ve been bickering a lot more in this much smaller environment.
One of the main issues is dishes. I admit that J is much more fastidious than I am; he likes things to remain clean and tidy, whereas I have always been very messy. I usually contain my messiness to my own room, but we don’t really have our own rooms now, so my messiness is bleeding out into other rooms. J instituted a rule that we both need to wash our dishes within 24 hours of using them.
I feel like I’ve always adhered to this rule, but he says otherwise. He is frequently frustrated that the food I made the previous night resulted in dishes that were left in the sink the following morning.
I feel like the real intent behind his rule was “dishes should be done by end of day,” but even if that’s the case I think he’s being too harsh.
We work different schedules, and he doesn’t cook, so sometimes I get home at 11 pm or midnight and make dinner. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to wash those dishes by the end of the day the following day. Especially because I’m naturally a messy person and it already feels like I’m putting in extra effort to wash them within 24 hours.
If I was living alone, I would probably leave them for a few days to be honest (yes, I know I’m a jerk for being gross, but like I said, I’m trying to respect J’s standards).
I know that dishes are a huge source of conflict among traditional roommates, so I want some outside perspective.
AITJ for not washing my dishes on the same calendar day that I use them? Or is J being too hardlined? I think I might be the jerk because J asked me to do them right away, but I almost always wait until the following day to do them.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know that this is so much a jerk issue as just one of the joys of trying to live with other people. Info, though – If you do the dishes the following day, does that mean you do the dishes before you eat/cook/make more dishes?
If so, wouldn’t it be the same amount of work to do today’s dishes today, instead of yesterday’s dishes? Maybe there’s a compromise. Could you incorporate disposable dishes/cutlery/cups into your life to cut down on dishes? Do just a few? Neatly stack them in the sink before going to bed?
Maybe J doesn’t need all the dishes done. Maybe he just needs things a bit tidier.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I’m a very messy person and I hate dishes, but it sounds like EOD the following day isn’t cutting it here. In the interest of preserving this years-long friendship/partnership/work relationship, you just need to do those dishes.
Do them right after eating. It sucks, but in the grand scheme of things isn’t that hard and will ease some of the stress of living in a much smaller space. I procrastinate over pretty much everything, but if something is important enough, I can get it done right away.
This sounds pretty important to J. It’s one of those would you rather be right or would you rather be happy situations. Neither of you is being unreasonable, but both of you will benefit from always having clean dishes when you need them.” Friendly_Shelter_625
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Besides being unhygienic, leaving dirty dishes around occupies unnecessary space that could be used for eating, preparing food, washing the most recently dirty dishes, and cleaning the kitchen. This is very important when you live in a small apartment and need to be rational about how you use the space.
Also, dirty dishes attract cockroaches and rats and no one wants that. Common areas need to be tidy because it is being shared and everyone needs to do their part to keep the place organized and ready for use. Your roommate is being very generous with giving 24 hours for you to clean your mess.
You don’t have to experience the frustration of being unable to do the stuff you want right away and having to clean someone else’s mess because he has to do it for you when he uses the kitchen. You need to get yourself together and do your part to keep the place clean and organized. If not, the stress of this situation might build up and explode and you’ll have to find a new place and a new roommate.” uhnnn_fan
15. AITJ For Not Giving My Dad's Wife A Ticket To My Graduation?
“My mom passed away when I was 6 and my dad remarried when I was 7.
Within 3 years he was remarried, with another kid and another on the way when he passed away. His wife wanted me to be raised by her alongside her children. My grandparents from my mom’s side wanted me with them. A custody battle ensued and I was spoken to at the time.
I said I wanted to live with my family aka my grandparents. The judge agreed it was the best decision if I was given what I wanted. Apparently, they had quite a few runaways who were in homes they didn’t want to be in.
Some contact with my half-siblings was maintained via my grandparents on my dad’s side.
But I never saw my dad’s wife as a mother and I didn’t see her as a person I needed or wanted in my life.
She wanted me though and grandparents on Dad’s side have tried talking me into letting her be my mom. They weren’t fond of my mom and they hate my grandparents for taking custody and not leaving me with dad’s wife to be adopted and raised as her kid.
They believe I would have changed how I saw her eventually had I stayed with her.
I graduated high school a couple of weeks ago. My grandparents wanted to go with her and the kids. Tickets were only given via students this year and I refused to get any for her.
They tried to get them through other means but couldn’t. Ever since graduation, which they all missed because I didn’t want to get a ticket for her, they’ve been upset. She was on my grandma’s phone once and cried about how I broke her heart and how I was such an important and special part of her life and all she wanted was for me to be her daughter.
My grandparents have asked how I don’t care more about doing that to “the woman my dad loved with all his heart and started a family with”.
AITJ for what I did?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one is owed a relationship. Many people do not have regular contact with the people they are biologically related to, let alone a woman who your dad married. I can see how she thought being raised with your siblings would be best for you, but in the end, you wanted to be with people you knew and loved your entire life over a woman you had only known a few years which is completely understandable.
The fact she kept pushing herself onto you after you made it clear you didn’t see her as a mom, makes her the jerk. She is an adult and it is her job to manage her own feelings and not let them affect the children in the situation, the fact she tried to cry that you “broke her heart” is dramatic af and manipulative.
She should seek therapy not take it out on you.” Nicy-lesbian
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You didn’t bond with her, nothing wrong with that. You didn’t want her going to your graduation as she has nothing to do with your life – also nothing wrong with that as well.
To you, she was your dad’s wife and that’s all she will ever be. She’s not the jerk as maybe she felt more connection to you than you did to her. She wanted you to be a part of her and the children’s lives- also nothing wrong with that.
In a way maybe she wanted to take care of you because it’s what your dad would have wanted and she didn’t want you to drift away from your siblings. You are both entitled to how you feel. But maybe have a sit down with your grandparents and explain to them that you have no feelings towards her and even though your dad loved her it wasn’t the same for you.
Maybe just have a conversation with your stepmom and let her know that while you appreciate her attempt, you’d rather not have her involved in your life. You’re young so maybe one day the relationship could be open and if you change your mind.
But that’s your decision and no one can force you to have a relationship with someone you don’t want to. If your grandparents can’t accept that, that’s on them. You don’t need to feel guilty.” chinchin8989
Another User Comments:
“A little bit the jerk to be honest. You haven’t described anything your previous stepmother has actually done wrong.
It sounds like you’re just bitter towards your dad’s parents. Also 3 years is a long time. It’s definitely possible that this woman was already looking at you as her daughter when your dad passed, especially since she’s the biological mother of your siblings. From this, I can’t really tell how you have a problem with her other than the fact that you don’t see her as your real mother.
You don’t even need to though to realize that she still was acting in place of your mother until you moved with your mom’s parents. Your dad’s parents are one thing, but you don’t need to take your frustration at their behavior out on this woman.” Le-Smasher
14. AITJ For Losing My Temper Over My Partner's Disrespectful Noise Levels?
“I am a really light sleeper and when I’m woken up it takes a while for me to fall back asleep.
My partner knows this but still dismisses it.
Cue to this morning, we had guests over the night before so we slept on the couch. They left early so I went to my bed to sleep and when he came to lie down he was on his phone watching videos.
I asked him to turn it down, he says it’s not even loud, I let him know it’s loud enough that I can hear it and it’s keeping me up. I even asked him to put his headphones in or go to the other room.
His response is that he pays his own phone bill and can do what he wants. I can admit I have a very short temper, but to me, this is just disrespectful. I flipped out for a few minutes and even went back in there to see eye-to-eye with him but he just sees that I’m overreacting and blowing up for no reason.
This is not the first time this argument has happened. Today it got to the point where he actually called my mom, so I packed some clothes and left. I know it may sound petty to be upset over this but seriously, how hard is it to turn your phone down so someone can sleep?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and depriving someone of sleep intentionally is a form of abuse. It causes the person lacking sleep to not be able to function at their best and sets them up for failure in other aspects of their day. The gaslighting of, “It’s not even that loud,” and, “You’re just overreacting,” doesn’t bode well for him, either.
While you’re away, take some time to think objectively about your relationship. Consider other times when you had every right to be upset and he undermined and attempted to discredit you, or accused you of “making mountains out of molehills,” so to speak. I hope you get some sleep, and I also hope you look into the things I mentioned. If any of them are present, you may be dealing with a covert narcissist.” whoamaynifest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I doubt anyone would be able to sleep with someone watching videos next to them. He is being really inconsiderate coming to bed to watch videos when he was out of earshot in your lounge. He didn’t even make any effort to use headphones even after you asked him to.
But sadly the fact that he is just dismissing you sounds like he has no intention of changing and will continue to disregard your basic need for sleep in favor of his wants. Then he childishly calls your mom instead of taking responsibility for his actions.
Personally, that would be a dealbreaker for me.” JWJulie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I’m my mom’s roommate and I turn down the volume of my phone even if I know she can’t possibly hear it behind our respective closed doors. It’s just basic decency. If your partner cannot understand that, I’d seriously drop him since this isn’t a first-time occurrence.
It’s not pettiness, you’re asking for human decency which he denies you. So I guess you can deny him his partner title as the jerk one clearly suits him better.” Psychological_Ad3329
13. AITJ For Secretly Meeting My Biological Mom And Confronting Her?
“I (14 M) have always known I was adopted and was raised by a single mom. I love my mom, but I always just wondered, you know?
Anyway, I turned fourteen and one of my “aunts” (didn’t know how she was related to me until now to be honest) Aunt B pulled me aside. She said she knew my biological mom and as part of my birthday present she’d take me to meet her – but only if I didn’t tell my mom.
I knew it sounded sketchy but I agreed to go over to her place one weekend, and she drove me like two towns away. We went to this house and a woman answered the door. Aunt B explained I was her son and introduced me to her.
Well, she tried to. The woman started screaming and telling her to take me away and crying and saying she didn’t want to see me.
Here’s where I might be the jerk. Aunt B gave me her number and I’ve tried calling and texting her asking if she really was my mom, and why she was being so mean if she was?
Like why didn’t she want me?
Turns out she called my mom who sat me down and told me the truth. That was her old friend from college who WAS my biological mom – who got pregnant from her abusive partner. So she left home and stayed with my mom, put her on the birth certificate as the father (my mom is trans and this was pretransition for her), and signed over custody after I was born.
Aunt B is actually my biological grandmother, my mom let her in my life after her husband died. She’s not going to be allowed to come over anymore though according to my mom.
I feel like a mess. Like I want to call her and send a message to apologize but Mom says that’s a bad idea.
Am I the jerk for not dropping it and going along with this when I knew it was sketchy?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re young so I get you don’t fully understand the full perspective. To an adult, it is obvious there was some sort of trauma there when your bio mum saw you.
I would have said mildly YTJ for continuing texting her when it was obvious she didn’t want to talk, but I understand at your age, you just wanted to know why things are the way they are, you weren’t being malicious, and your aunt threw both of you into a difficult situation.
So for now NTJ (provided you don’t contact bio mum again unless she initiates). Your aunt, however….” PeskyPorcupine
Another User Comments:
“I’m not going to judge you because I’m adopted too. Having been your age and knowing how important figuring out who you are at your age…Well, any age really is.
However……Listen to your mom, it’s best to stop initiating contact for now and wait until you’re over 18 before you contemplate pursuing more information ….Thanks to Aunt B that bridge may now be permanently burned. Aunt B is a disgusting person, in her warped mind she may have thought she was helping but she’s just made the situation 10 times worse and your mom is right to cut her completely out of your lives.
In the future ANY adult who suggests you go off and do something in secret you immediately say no and call your mom. You’re lucky she didn’t kidnap you.” ColdstreamCapple
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ, and your “aunt” is definitely the jerk. Yes, you’re allowed to be upset about being given up for adoption, and I understand you’re young, but you definitely handled the situation incorrectly.
A lot of mothers who give up children for adoption aren’t trying to abandon their kids. They’re often scared, coerced into keeping the baby, or simply know they’re unfit to care for children at the time. You’re a boy growing into a young teen. You might look like or remind her of her abusive ex.
She probably saw you and heard you were her bio son and panicked, being sent back to that time of her life. Yes, she also probably handled the situation wrong, but she more than likely wasn’t ready to be confronted with the baby she was coerced into having, and I’m not sure if she ever will.
Your “aunt” was incredibly cruel doing what she did. She forced her daughter to do something she wasn’t ready to do and put you at the center of it. You didn’t deserve what happened to you that day, and I’m sorry an adult you thought you could trust let you down like this.
Your mom, (adoptive, not bio) is also a saint. She is doing her best to raise and protect you, taking care of you as an act of love for you, and probably your bio mom as well. She stepped up and did what she needed to in order to make sure you were safe.
Please make sure she knows you appreciate her. You’re not the jerk for wanting to know the truth. However, your messages couldn’t have been good for your bio mom’s mental state, especially after the stunt her mother pulled. I don’t think messaging to apologize is the way to go.
Your mom was her good friend, she’d know what was the best move to make a bit better than you. Confide in her, tell her how you feel, possibly get solo or family therapy.” shiieri
12. AITJ For Using The Breadwinner Card To Control The AC?
“In my family, I (27F) am the main moneymaker.
I make nearly double what my husband does, AND I work full-time/overtime most weeks. He does work 3 hours a day every day but has two days off every other week.
Background info to explain our dynamic: Lately my husband keeps complaining about not having any time to himself (we have a toddler) but he frequently ignores our son to play games on his PS4.
To help him feel better I’ve been doing most of the chores, and keeping track of our animals and bills.
Today I got home from grocery shopping and was burning up. He’d turned off the AC because he was cold. It was almost 80 in my house.
He was wearing shorts and a thin shirt. I turned it back on (I keep it at 68-69F) and he complained it was cold saying I should leave it off. I told him to put on a sweater or use one of the blankets we have all over but he huffed and pouted arguing that I could just turn a fan on.
After about 10 minutes of arguing, I finally had it and said “I pay the bills. I make the money. When you’re the main breadwinner then you can control the AC. Until then just deal with it and wear a darn sweater.” (He COULD work full time but doesn’t want to for a multitude of reasons)
He’s now giving me the silent treatment. My mum says I undermined him and should have used a fan.
AITJ for saying what I did? Back when he made the money he got to decide on how cold our house was so I only think it’s fair that now I get to be in charge.”
Another User Comments:
“I’ve read the comments that you’ve left, and they kinda have the same thing in them. Your husband is not pulling his weight, at all. You are frustrated that he’s not doing the cleaning, childcare, or cooking, but he has time to play games and be annoyed at your child.
This was a one-time comment that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Still, a crappy thing to say, but understandable. You want him to go to therapy with you to work out your problems with him, and he doesn’t want to. He could work longer hours or a different job, but he doesn’t want to.
He’s home longer than you are, but he doesn’t want to put in any effort. What I’m reading is that you are doing the work of a single parent, while your partner is right there, getting all the benefits. NTJ.” alwaysinneedofhelp96
Another User Comments:
“Mhm….
Each and every relationship needs some form of agreement to balance things out. I would say ESH (but he a lot more than you). You both didn’t try to find some way for you both to feel comfortable. As the breadwinner, using this as an argument is a rather mean move.
And as a person who mostly stays at home, he should do more of the household chores to support you and pull his weight in that manner. For clarification: My husband stays at home too (due to a medical condition and choice), and he doesn’t earn any money.
I work full time and he does all (!) the household stuff/he’s better at that than me anyway. Way back, I used the “I’m the breadwinner, I’m deciding on everything” instead of understanding that in a relationship, decisions should be made by both partners in agreement.
And I was a major jerk about it until I realized how hurtful and damaging this was, especially since he is pulling his weight in the relationship. Opposed to your partner, who sadly isn’t.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“The AC is not the problem here.
You’re deeply unhappy and possibly overwhelmed and he’s just not happy in general because he’d rather distract himself and game excessively (I’m assuming he’s gaming excessively since he’s ignoring the toddler). I would say ESH. The AC is just the tip of the iceberg, you need to deal with the issue that’s been festering in your marriage.
You also can’t throw the whole ‘I’m the breadwinner, what I say goes’ every time you both have an argument/debate/disagreement.” tmchd
11. AITJ For Refusing To Call My Stepmom 'Mom'?
“5 years ago, my mom and I were hit by an intoxicated driver while on the way to the store and she passed away instantly. From this, I have PTSD. One year later, my dad (38 at the time) met Ashley (37 at the time) and they got married the next year.
I’m currently 15F. They recently celebrated their three-year anniversary the other day, I think. Ashley is amazing, and she’s very nice.
This happened yesterday, and I just wanted clarity and judgment on it.
I was in the kitchen, and I was rummaging through the cabinets for a snack.
We were out of something, blah blah blah, so I found Ashley in the laundry room and asked her about the snack.
Weirdly, her expression soured. “OP, I’ve been married to your father for three years. You know you can call me Mom, right?”
I was stunned by her insensitivity.
Memories of my mom kind of rushed back to me, and I sternly said no, still mentally freaked out.
She gawked at me. “No?! What do you mean no?! After all I’ve done for you, I ask this ONE thing, and you say no?!” She has started to raise her voice.
Of course, my father walked in. They both told me I was being insensitive and I should have moved on by now.
I feel kind of bad about it, but I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to face my dad and stepmom again.
AITJ for not calling her mom?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ it’s nice had she offered gently, and let you know she was ok with it, but her getting upset and insisting shows how careless and heartless she is. I have friends who had their parents pass over 20 years ago and they never “got over it” nor would anyone with a heart think they should have.
If you were to CHOOSE to call her “mom” it wouldn’t mean you forgot or love your real mom any less, it would be a term of endearment and love. You can’t force that and it will come when, and if you are ever ready to do so.” Worried_Aerie_7512
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have a mom. Just because she passed away doesn’t make her any less of your mom and they are very much jerks for saying you should have moved on by now. Your mother passed when you were little and while you were in the car.
You have PTSD from it. That isn’t something you just “move on” from. I would recommend having a conversation with your dad and stepmom that, while you care for her, she can’t take the place of your mom and you are uncomfortable referring to her as such.
If it helps both of you, come up with a different name for your stepmom, but you are not wrong for not calling her “mom.”” mommin-and-nommin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I think she is a jerk though, and your dad is pretty close behind her.
Since this is a tricky subject, and I understand that feeling of how I am going to face them: I would tell her what you put up on your post …. you think she is amazing, and so very nice.. but also clarify that this is not her, it’s you, you are not ready.
If she cannot respect that then she is not a very good person. Being 15 is tough enough, and adults should not have to burden you emotionally like this. No one should be dictating the inner feelings of your heart.” notmymain1988
10. AITJ For Refusing To Change My Daughter's Name Last Minute?
“My partner 30 (M) and I 21 (F) are expecting a girl and since before I was pregnant my partner has been saying that his daughter’s name is going to be Lily.
From the beginning of the pregnancy, we agreed if it was a girl he would name it and if it was a boy I would name it. I wasn’t super fond of the name Lily but since I’ve become pregnant and found out it was a girl, I’ve been calling her Lily and grown attached to it.
Until about a week ago when my partner said he wanted to change her name to Milly. I absolutely dislike that name and want to keep her name the same because I love the name Lily now. I told him this is how I feel and he said it’s not fair because he gets to pick the name, and I told him it’s not fair to change her name so last minute (for context I’m 6 months along).
He also said he’s compromised on every other thing about her name like hyphenating her last name and I picked the middle names.
It started an argument and in the end, I told him the hospital will ask me what her name is and I will put Lily on her birth certificate and he can sign it or not, now he’s pretty upset with me.
And I understand why, but I still want to keep her name and I think he doesn’t realize that it’s still the name he picked I’m just refusing to change it. AITJ for not letting him change the name?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. You BOTH should choose a name that you BOTH agree with, regardless of the gender so that was a very, very silly idea to begin with. Both should be happy with the naming of the child. Because one of you chose middle names etc. this has become an unnecessary war on compromising because you two decided not to decide on the naming together in the first place.
The reactions of both of you to this have been a little immature which doesn’t bode well when you’re about to raise a child together. Your conflict resolution needs to be better than this. Just sit him down and decide that from now on you’re going to both choose names you both like, and that includes the middle names, even if that means something entirely different to Lily and Milly.
(with that being said though, hyphenating names here shouldn’t be a compromise. The mother’s name should be acknowledged if she wishes to).” HattieTheSwann
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. There are going to be a lot of compromises coming up in regard to this new life you are bringing into the world.
Time to start learning how to have productive conversations with your partner about important decisions. You need to pick a name you both like. This “I pick the boy and you pick the girl’s name” was bound to backfire. Sit him down, tell him how you feel about it.
Suggest picking out a new name together that you both love. Do it with love and compassion, no blaming.” rlgslp2020
Another User Comments:
“I was like this at the end of my pregnancies, I started doubting the chosen name and came up with the weirdest options that really felt like the one.
My husband just said yes it’s a beautiful name, but I’m used to the first name now. Let’s see how we feel in a couple of weeks, let it sink in, and let us get used to using the first or the new name inside our heads.
Let me say that I am thankful my husband was like this, because my hormone-driven names were bad, really bad. But I do believe a name should be picked out by both parents. No, you pick the first and I pick the second. You need to both love the name of your child.
We have a list here with all the names that have been given this year. I gave it to my husband and told him to select a top 5, we merged our tops and discussed the names, noped a few, and ended with a few options we both loved. My husband thought he was funny with selecting 5 names that started with an A….
So he didn’t need to read the rest of the list. I did this with our third child because with our first boy, we had difficulties finding a name he liked, he noped everything until my hormones exploded at 36 weeks.” haasje83
9. AITJ For Making A Traditional Hungarian Dish Despite My Mother's Disapproval?
“I am part Hungarian on my father’s side.
My great-grandparents came in through Ellis Island and brought along recipes from the old country. I make a point of trying to learn about my heritage from both sides of my family.
The thing is since my grandmother is a real jerk who hates my mother, me, and my dad (contemplating writing a post about that at some point), my mom somehow thinks everything to do on my father’s side is evil.
Which includes the recipes. Anytime my dad tries to show me how to cook some of these family meals, my mother complains about it throughout the entire process and does not stop complaining even when we ask her to stop.
Today my dad surprised me by buying some chicken that was on sale in order to show me how to make chicken paprikash.
It’s a bit like the Hungarian version of chicken and dumplings with tons of paprika. My mother found the chicken in the back of the fridge, mentioned that we were set for the week for whatever we would plan to make, and left it at that.
Remember this.
My mom was out of the house for a bit, so my dad started to show me how to cook the dish. When she walked in, she walked over to see what we were cooking and lost it. She started demanding to know why we weren’t making chicken salad, despite not mentioning that was what she wanted to use the chicken for.
This started a fight where she mentioned that she wasn’t going to touch it and to have fun enjoying it because she hates it.
To top it off, she got mad when I pointed out that my dad doesn’t protest making broccoli for the two of us despite hating it with a passion.
He doesn’t complain about it, nor does he eat it, but knows it makes us happy the way he makes it.
So, am I a jerk for daring to make a dish I have wanted to make for years but have been unable to because of my mother’s dislike of this particular meal?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is being childish to hold anything related to that part of your heritage in a negative light simply because your grandmother is not nice to her. You may be able to help your mom let go a little by letting her know – you understand she doesn’t want anything that reminds her of her MIL, but the truth is that your dad (her husband) and you have your own connection to your Hungarian heritage.
It’s not just through her MIL. That your Hungarian roots are way more than your grandmother. You and your dad love your mom and don’t expect her to participate in the cooking, but can she see what you are doing as just something you and your dad enjoy sharing and it isn’t a statement of accepting how your grandmother treats all of you.
It’s worth a try. But if your mother just can’t take her resentment out of you two cooking, you and your dad are not required to limit yourselves. You’ll continue to try not to push it on your mom, but you don’t have to stop cooking from your heritage for her sake.” swillshop
Another User Comments:
“Hmm, so sweets good, savories bad? You are really mature for recognizing that her issues are not with all Hungarian foods. It’s great fun that you and your dad cook together. Sorry you don’t have great memories with your grandmother. It’s impressive that despite that you still embrace her culture.” AngryWriterGrr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Hungarian heritage here myself, I cannot emphasize how important a role food plays when it comes to Hungarians (well, at the very least, my Hungarian family) Wanting to learn about your heritage, especially when you’re on that cusp of moving out of home, is something emotional and really beautiful.
I did the exact same thing with my mum when I moved out. Heck, I even pestered my aunts for the recipes they picked up from my grandmother (each of them has their own “specialty” dishes. My mum does a great goulash, my aunts do chicken paprikash and stuffed cabbage.
My sister will kill me if I don’t mention her signature poppy-seed roll. Mine is stuffed capsicums). Even now, living out of home for a while and with two babies of my own, I bust out the family recipes when I’m feeling a bit emotional and nostalgic.
(I’m also really hoping that was a recipe for the chicken paprikash I stumbled across in the comments earlier, if not: please tell us the recipe) It might be possible your mother doesn’t feel as attached to her heritage or cultural activities, they’re definitely there but she just might find them boring.
It could also be possible that she’s just acting like a jerk for no reason (my dad did that sort of stuff until my mum basically said he could shut up and deal with it or leave the room and find something else to eat for dinner – he always chose to be quiet).
Regardless of why, your mother doesn’t get to chuck a hissy fit here.” History_Buff19
8. AITJ For Holding A Grudge Against My Family For Excluding Me From A Disneyland Trip?
“I (27F) have autism and severe PTSD from my years in “boarding school.” Back when I was twelve, I was not diagnosed yet and was acting out behaviorally, and my mom and dad didn’t bother to find out what was going on with me, so they sent me to these “therapeutic” boarding schools, which meant they signed away custody of me to these strangers.
From when I was 12 to 18, I was severely traumatized and developed PTSD from what was happening to me. When I was 13, the first of my schools wondered why I was still acting out, despite what they were doing. When they found out, it was too late.
The damage was already done.
My sister (28F) and mom (60F) never treated me well, especially my sister. After the diagnoses, it got worse. Both grew up bullying me, knowing something was wrong with me. I grew up to be afraid of both of them.
When I was eighteen, after I left the school, I talked to my mom and brought up the idea that we could all possibly go to Disneyland one day. My mom fell dead silent. She then told me she took my sister alone without me, when I was twelve in my first boarding school, for Christmas.
I remember that Christmas as the worst one ever. Not one member of my family visited me that year.
I was furious, asking why she not only excluded me but hid it from me for so long while I was suffering. Her response? “We were stressed out, we needed a break.”
I’m still mad and bitter about it. I haven’t brought it up in years, but I still feel a strong hate for my mom and sister every time I look at them, something that I know I shouldn’t be feeling. But I’ve felt very excluded and betrayed. I’m actually planning on taking a solo trip to Disneyland or Las Vegas by myself to make it up to myself.
So AITJ? Am I holding a grudge I shouldn’t be holding?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What you suffered was mistreatment, you are not a jerk for feeling bitter about it especially as you are still paying for it now in terms of your mental health.
HOWEVER and it’s a big one…….. this is about you now you really should look into some therapy and depending on what comes out of your therapy and your therapist’s advice you may want to consider whether your mother and your sister are helpful people to have in your life.
You may actually be better off cutting them out of your life or limiting your contact with them. NC/LC is not a decision for strangers to make for you but seriously go and get some help you deserve it and you deserve to feel better.
This bitterness and anger is not good for you.” Whitestaunton
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was very low-contact with part of my family from my late teens onward. We’d try every so often to exchange Xmas cards or have phone chats or even occasional visits, but we were pretty estranged. But still trying.
When I was about 25, that entire side of that family had a giant family reunion. Everyone flew in from all over the country – to get together in a small town about half an hour down the road from where I was living. They literally flew into the airport 5 minutes from my house.
They never told me. Obviously didn’t invite me. I found out a couple of years later. I’ve been no contact with the entire lot of them for the 30 years since. I believed them when they showed me, in absolutely unambiguous terms, that I wasn’t part of the family.
Your mother has told you who she is. Believe her.” SnarkyBeanBroth
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for only this one sentence. This is when you said, “I hate them but I know I should not.” My answer is it’s ok to hate them. You hate them all you want.
You hate them for every mean thing they ever did to you. Shout it from the rooftop. You don’t owe your mother or your sister anything. In saying that. It’s ok to give your feelings a voice. Hopefully, after you find your voice you can move on to forgiveness.
You also have a completely valid reason for your feelings. Just because she gave birth to you does not make her a good mom. I would be ticked off if my parents dropped me off at behavior boarding school and then went to have a party over Christmas at Disneyland.
Forgive yourself and move on. Moving on could mean anything even going no contact. Figure out your future. Set goals. Move out if you want to and never look back. Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves. Not for anyone else.” Comprehensive-Hand60
7. AITJ For Confronting My Younger Brother About His Partner's Disruptive Behavior?
“My (27M) two bros (24M and 32M) and I all live together.
Younger brother gets a partner (19F), and proceeds to bring her over for weeks at a time without asking other house members. And without sticking to dinner plans. Most times they say they are going to cook dinner, but dinner isn’t cooked til around 11 pm.
If they state they are dealing with their own dinner, that would be fine, but they elect to cook and fail to every time. Anytime she is over, they hide in their room every day, not even to eat dinner at the table with everyone else.
He doesn’t get to do any of his hobbies while she is over. She doesn’t speak a word to anyone but him, and actively ducks away when either me or my older brother is near. The savings my brother and I have are being burned through due to their spending.
My older brother and I sat him down to talk to him about all their behavior several times before, but this time his partner hid in the room the whole time. Not a word stuck with him, he just makes jokes and ignores everything, we tried explaining to him that she is crossing the line by making changes to the house.
I explained he only listens to drastic actions, so I raised my voice for a few words to him to express what I meant. Later on in the night, I went and had a private talk with her, which led to her telling him later on that she doesn’t feel safe around us.
He is making me and my older brother seem like we just don’t want him to be happy.
A few days ago, she pretty much forced him to put a lock on his door for when they are in there (small apartment, can hear it installed and used from the other end of the place).
When he comes out to cook food/do other things, she locks the door behind him, and he has to knock to be let back into his own room.
Surely we aren’t being unreasonable, but we are being demonized by the both of them. What do you think?
Should I have shouted at him for like 1 sentence? Am I overstepping by “interfering” and “ruining his life” as he puts it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The partner has moved in or at least you all are acting that way. If the partner doesn’t feel safe, she shouldn’t be there but she (and your younger brother) seem to feel she has a right to be there.
You should be very careful and avoid any one-on-one confrontations. Her behavior & actions are suspect. You and your older brother need to team up and deal with everything together. If you don’t want your younger bro to move out, then push to get partner to pay a share of the rent.
If that doesn’t fly then set two nights a week that she can stay over. Enforce that and make that rule apply to all visitors. Make a fuss if she’s there on an off night. A few other things: check your lease, you may be in violation and this could be an argument against partner staying over, and separate your money.” Mermaidtoo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re letting her set boundaries in YOUR home. That’s not how it works. House rules apply in a roommate situation, which this is even though you’re brothers. She should not be spending weeks at a time at your place, especially if she is not on the lease or contributing towards the cost of her being there.
Set some boundaries as a united front with your other brother. No overnight guests more than twice a week and must inform other roommates of her coming over (no being there when your brother isn’t etc). You absolutely can separate your finances. It will be a pain in the butt to sort things out, but 100% needs to be done.
You’re 27 & 32, get your own accounts, and let little bro blow through his money without having you to as a safety net.
I’ve seen some of your responses and I would get a nanny cam (or something similar, make sure it’s legal where you are too) in all common/shared areas (not the bathroom obvs) cause if she’s saying she’s scared of you (then why is she still coming over??) who knows what else she will say or try to pull.” HunterDangerous1366
Another User Comments:
“If she’s going to be over for weeks at a time then she needs to give you money for groceries, the water bill, the electricity bill, etc. How many are allowed to live in the apartment? Because it sounds like she can be viewed as another roommate.
And the lock on the door – some leases are weird, did you make sure you could do that as per the lease?” [deleted]
6. AITJ For Giving My Date A Cookbook Instead Of Cooking For Him?
“I have been seeing this really cute guy from another town for a while. We went out on a first date and it was nothing short of sweet.
We exchanged contact info/social media and started regularly talking. A lot, lol.
So for our second date, he texted me saying he wanted a more “private” place instead of a restaurant. He suggested coming over and I said ok. He texted saying I had to cook.
This got me confused because I thought we were ordering takeout or something….I asked why and he said, “it’s because I can’t cook”. We ended the conversation and when he came over and sat down at the table, he asked if I cooked and I said no.
I had already placed a beginner’s cookbook on an empty plate and once he removed the lid he saw it and became confused. He asked what the deal was and I told him since he said he didn’t want takeout or cook himself since he couldn’t cook then I thought a cookbook was what he really needed. He got so offended and said that he didn’t expect such a childish act coming from me.
I argued that he basically expected me to cook although I offered other options. He argued back saying I was being passive-aggressive and this was a complete turnoff for him. He said that I had to make it up to him and order takeout after I “deceived” him when he expected me to cook since he was a guest. We had an argument and I asked him to leave.
He left and sent a text to me expressing his disappointment and shock at my lack of “etiquette” and hosting manners. I tried calling but he didn’t respond.
AITJ? God! I really really really liked him but think that I went too far to prove a point.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He with the “you have to cook” ordering you around. He was trying to set the tone of “you are going to cook” in this relationship. He did not want that kind of pushback. He was hoping to order you into cooking, backed up with a “but I’m the guest” kind of obligation pushed on you.
He is trying to disguise his ordering you what to do by rushing to blame you for not accommodating his command.” Elfich47
Another User Comments:
“You were passive-aggressive but he was rude to impose by insisting you cook for him. But my vote is NTJ: 1) He imposed and insisted you cook for him, red flag.
A good partner would not have done this. 2) He refuses to learn and improve himself, red flag. There’s no excuse in the Internet age. And a good match would have taken the critique in stride, maybe countered with a proposal to cook with you to instruct on a recipe of choice.
3) He DARVO’d, red flag. My condolences on your loss but consider this a bullet dodged!!! The trash took itself out!” Sweet__kitty
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You absolutely were passive-aggressive. Putting a cookbook on a plate and covering it with a lid is EXTREMELY passive-aggressive and you should have just used your mouth to communicate your thoughts in advance when you made plans.
If he really said you had to cook for him in the way you implied… Then he’s a jerk too, though the way you communicate actually makes me a little doubtful. If you had social skills, you would have said “Come over, let’s cook something together.” Followed by “You can learn as we go!” if he said he didn’t know how.
Because cooking together is actually a great date. You would have had the opportunity to show off any skills/knowledge you do have in front of him. And he would have begun learning how to cook. Or if you have no skills, you learn together, like my SO and I do.
This was an absolute softball for a cheap date idea and you refused to hit it, but that’s your choice. Alternately, if you were so turned off by him asking you to cook that you didn’t want to do it… You could have told him that his demand turned you off and that you weren’t going to do it.
Everyone here is so woke about asking you to cook that they’re overlooking how extremely inappropriate your behavior was. Some people are saying you dodged a bullet… but I think you both deserved each other because you’re both jerks.” opinionreservoir
5. AITJ For Renting An Apartment Alone After My Roommate Couldn't Afford Rent?
“This happened in 2018. I (26M) and my roommate (30M) lived together through 2 apartments for about 6 years. We had been best friends for about 23 years up to this point. When our lease was coming to a close, the complex informed us they wouldn’t be renewing stating we had been late too often.
We had, can’t deny that. We both went to the office to plead because apartment hunting sucks. They stated there was nothing they could do.
Mind you, I had just started a new job where I was making very good money. My roommate was trying to subsist solely on rideshare to make ends meet.
The majority of the reason we were late was because he came up short. We decided together that we were too unequally yoked as roommates, and we would try to find apartments we could individually afford.
I went back to our leasing office and basically told them I could afford rent with my new job.
I showed them my pay stubs and bank statements, to prove my case. They made me pay an extra deposit and allowed me to rent a 1 bed/1 bath. My roommate had to move in with a friend. Unbeknownst to me, he slept in his car a few nights before he made arrangements, I found out later.
The office said, in no uncertain terms, that if they found anyone staying in my apartment other than me, they would terminate my lease immediately.
I feel awful my best friend was homeless for a week while I had a brand-new apartment.
Did I throw my friend under the bus, even if he couldn’t afford any apartment on his own?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“So what they are telling you is that you are not even allowed to have guests overnight? Am I reading that right because that can’t be legal. Other than that no jerks here – being homeless sucks, but I don’t see that your friend accused you of being a jerk, he made do as well as he could.
I hope you can still be friends in the future.” HonestCranberry8485
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You both decided to look for lodging on your own. It’s not your fault that you had better options than he did. From your description it doesn’t sound like you threw anyone under the bus, just proved you had the means to pay rent.” AsherTheFrost
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because you both decided to go it alone. Could you have checked in on him and made sure he had a place to go? Yup. Should you have? If you were friends, yup. Are you still friends? Did you ever talk about it?
Since it still bothers you, maybe you should talk with him and tell him you feel bad about it.” debdnow
4. AITJ For Being Mad At My Husband For Repeatedly Leaving Valuables In Cars And Causing Break-Ins?
“My husband drives more than me and is the one who drops off and picks up the kids from school, so he has a much nicer car than me (the cars are technically shared but, practically, that’s his car). We’ll call his car the sedan.
We bought my car (the SUV) outright. It was way cheaper as it was almost a decade older, more beat up, and doesn’t have nearly as many features, but I love it!
When my husband has borrowed the SUV in the past, he leaves it dirty.
He left sand and trash in it the last time and told me he would clean it out– he never did. It has become a sore spot that he treats my car poorly.
About a month ago his fancy sedan was broken into in a grocery store parking lot in mid-daylight and his laptop bag was stolen.
The bag was visible through the window of the car, and, luckily, he forgot to lock the doors, so the window was not broken. He was very apologetic, as our checkbook, amongst other things, was stolen, and it meant that our account had to be shut down and other annoyances had to be dealt with.
One of our checks bounced because of this and I had to shamefully go and take care of it – they didn’t believe the story, of course. I knew he was sorry and it was an accident, so I just said, “we’ll figure it out,” and tried to be supportive.
I bought him a new bag that was nicer than his last and a brand that is pretty valuable.
A couple of weeks later, my husband did the same thing, except in my SUV, with the doors locked, and the new, more valuable bag sitting visibly on the seat.
This time it was parked on the curb, at night, in a city where petty crime is fairly common. My window was smashed. They don’t make the same glass tint that’s in the version of my car anymore, so I now have a window that doesn’t match.
Also, the window mechanism is now broken, so that window cannot be rolled down. The replacement, of course, was a big expense. This time I was mad and was not supportive. This time he definitely knew better and it resulted in my SUV being permanently damaged.
He is saying that I am the jerk for not supporting him and being mad that my car got damaged and the bag I bought him got stolen. He is denying he should have known better and that he is not to be blamed because he locked the doors this time.
I don’t think I am a jerk; I think I have every right to be mad that his poor decision affected me negatively TWICE!
To get all the details out and to be fair, we did recently buy a car that is five years older than my SUV, but a nicer make, that is meant to replace the SUV.
We bought this third car before the SUV break-in, but the SUV is still my backup if the car we just bought does not work out. We are eventually planning to sell the SUV to cover some of the cost of the recently bought car if everything works out, but I still love the SUV.
Am I the jerk for being mad that he let this happen again, at the expense of my car being messed up?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Really, leaving a laptop bag in the front seat is just irresponsible. There is no nicer way to say it.
It is one thing to learn the hard way the first time (we all learn hard lessons), but doing it again afterward…? That’s on him and only him and you’re in the right to be upset about it. Being a supportive partner doesn’t mean that you turn a blind eye to everything and always try to make the other person feel better.
I truly hope the second instance is what makes the difference for him.” HolyGonzo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ what is his problem? Never leave a bag out where it can be seen. And he should have learned that after the fist time. What does he want you to do?
Throw a pity party for him because he got your car broken into? Even if you sell the SUV, is he going to do this to the new car too? I would not let him drive my car at all. Just his sedan, that’s all he gets cause he can’t be responsible.
Or you drive the new car exclusively, and keep the SUV as the kids car he can drive, if you can afford the insurance on them all, then he can let it get beaten to crap and take care of it.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My car is 11 years old and has 100,00k miles on it, and I still treat it as if is a brand-new car that needs to be kept nice and taken care of. Your husband is just disrespectful. And stupid apparently, like who leaves valuables in plain view in their car?
If I do leave my purse in the car, I usually try to stuff it under the seat or put it under a jacket on the floor, or just lock it in the trunk. He literally left it where thieves could see it, what the heck was he expecting?
Common sense, your husband has none.” No-Passage546
3. AITJ For Snapping At My Colleague Who Constantly Brings Up My Adoption?
“I (30F) am adopted. My parents have been incredibly open about this my whole life. I wouldn’t be able to pinpoint a time I was “told” – it’s just a fact I’ve always known about myself and I’ve never once felt like I was any less loved or treated differently to my parents’ biological children, nor did my siblings treat me any differently to each other.
I realize how fortunate I am to have had the life I have and realize this isn’t the case for everyone, but I digress.
I have a colleague “Jenny” who ever since she found out I was adopted won’t stop bringing it up.
She’ll always ask personal questions about it, which is fine, I have no problem telling my backstory but she’s recently taken to asking my opinion on hypothetical scenarios and then using it as a platform to state her views. For example, one time she asked me if I had the choice would I have my own children or adopt as well?
I could barely answer before she was telling me all about how she could never adopt because she’d never be able to see the child as her own.
Yesterday she asked me if my parents ever considered giving me back after they had biological children.
This just really upset me as it could be a triggering question for some people. So I told her to mind her own business and get lost with her terrible opinions, which others tell me really upset her. I don’t think I’m the jerk but others in my team said I should have been more sensitive to her and explained why her questions are inappropriate instead of biting her head off and making the whole team dynamic awkward.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would make it abundantly clear that from now on, you prefer to never talk about private issues with her again. You are colleagues and that’s inappropriate because she asks insincere questions (no real questions, just a vehicle for her own expressions) and you don’t want to deal with it.
You are colleagues. Not friends. So you should both honor this boundary. Small talk is fine. Adoption and views about biological children vs adopted are not small talk. That’s personal. I know in a great team it’s convenient to act as friends but in most cases, this attitude sooner or later bites you in the behind.” MasterpieceOk4688
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m informally adopted: that means someone took me in and it’s not like my parents were happy to be rid of me but as late into my teens it was pointless to formalize it. I tell almost no one because when I do reveal any of it the questions become unending.
This sort of questioning is triggering for me. I have never been able to make anyone with more than 5 questions understand why it is so upsetting. She’s lucky you haven’t gone to HR for her incredibly inappropriate behavior.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s the worst kind of person to work with.
My own boss used to be like that and tried to tell me that grieving a particular loss in my life was somehow less than because we weren’t blood-related. (Not asking for bereavement or anything. Just generally melancholy and with occasional tears in my eyes, the DAY AFTER ACTUALLY watching someone die in a hospital bed, and my coworkers knew why.) Some people don’t know their place and you put her in hers.
Good for you!” KoralDanger
2. AITJ For Keeping My Son Home From Field Day After His Temper Tantrum?
“My son’s (9M) school had a field day coming up. So all of the students are divided between two teams gold and black.
The students get special custom shirts with a giant paw print in the middle because their school mascot is a tiger.
My son really wanted to be on the black team so he’d get a a black shirt since he thinks the design looks better.
But it turns out he got gold again. According to his teacher, my son had a giant temper tantrum and was destroying the classroom and flipping desks and throwing the books out of the cabinets and then proceeded to lock himself in the bathroom. While screaming.
When he got home, I told him that what he did was extremely inappropriate and immature for his age. I asked him why did he throw a tantrum over a shirt that we can probably find a better one at Walmart and he told me that it wasn’t just about the shirt, the gold team at his school apparently has lost every year since he was in kindergarten.
So I kept him home on the day his school had field day as punishment for misbehaving.
I told my wife about this and she was not happy. She was upset with me because I made that decision without her input and that I was being a jerk for not letting him participate.
My wife was in another country at the time doing work for her family business over there, and I thought I should not have to involve her with this as I had it handled.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say no jerks here, you made a call that you felt appropriate for the circumstances.
However, you should have passed it by your wife not for permission but just a heads up as to what’s going on. I’d be more concerned about how your son responded to the news that he was placed on the team he didn’t like, there might be something else there.” sadboicollective
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but this is not normal behavior for a 9-year-old in the slightest. To be honest this isn’t really normal behavior for even younger children as far as the desk flipping and destroying the classroom goes. Screaming crying yes, but the rest?
You need to get your son evaluated or into therapy or both.” Careful-Bumblebee-10
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is not normal behavior for a child. This kid should have been taken to a therapist. I have an 8-year-old boy and a 10-year-old boy. Their friends are over all the time.
There is ONE child who behaves in a scary and aggressive way when he gets upset. I’ve recommended therapy to the mom. She shrugs me off. Now, no one at school wants to play with him. He’s referred to as the school bully. It’s really sad to me because the kid clearly needs help.
Your son needs help, not to just be punished. It’s fine if you kept him home, but if you think that fixes the core issue, you’re wrong.” crystallz2000
1. AITJ For Maintaining A Close Relationship With My Stepson After Divorce?
“When my ex and I lived together we had three kids, our son, currently 8, and his two sons from before we got married, currently 17 and 14. Our reasons for divorcing have nothing to do with the kids.
17 and I never got on. We respect each other.
That’s it. If I asked him to pick 8 up from school he did it without complaint. If he told me to remember his favorite brand of cereal at the store, I did. But we have very different personalities and beliefs and never sought each other out for quality time.
We haven’t spoken since the divorce unless it was for something practical like “hey did my sweater accidentally get packed in one of your boxes?”
14 and I on the other hand are like two peas in a pod. We have so much in common. He started calling me mom two months into my marriage to his dad.
He still calls me mom. Even though the divorce is finalized, he frequently comes to my place to hang out, even when his little brother is at his dad’s. I don’t mind. I love the kid.
My ex has asked me to set some boundaries with 14, limit his time here, and ask him to stop calling me mom.
I said no. I said my relationship with 14 has nothing to do with my ex. He’s my son because that’s the bond we have. Also, if my ex feels any sort of way about it, why doesn’t he talk to his son?
My ex says I’m making the divorce more difficult.
I say the divorce is over. It’s final. Nothing is difficult unless he chooses to be miffed about it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He didn’t have an issue with that before you got a divorce but now it’s not something he wants because you’re no longer together?
Not fair to the kid that actually bonded with you. And it’s not like you were together for a few months, you built a life with your ex-husband, lived with the kid for years I assume. The bond is normal and sounds healthy, and the kid is apparently glad he has you in your life, so I don’t think you’re in the wrong.
The kids’ needs matter most in this instance.” nastaway
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s great that you have this relationship, but it also makes sense that your ex is concerned. What happens if either your family or his moves far away? If/when one or the other of you meets someone new and the family dynamic changes again?
Him having these concerns is a good sign, just as you wanting to maintain the relationship is a good thing – the kid has two parental figures who want good things for him. Can you sit down with your ex and figure out the official/legal dynamics and plans?
And then sit down with 14yo and present the plan as a united front?” imaginaryprojects
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 14 is old enough for the kid to decide whether or not he sees you as his mom. Maybe you should come back at your ex from the classic line from the movie Clueless but tweaking it slightly: “I divorced you, not X.” (X equals child’s name) The actual line is said to the daughter in the movie by her father when she complains about his stepson coming over to stay after he divorced the son’s mom.
“You divorce wives, not children.” If you aren’t harming his son, and his son wants to come around you and call you mom, what EXACTLY is the problem with it? He doesn’t have to like it, but he should think about what’s in the best interest of his son and support that.
If you were good enough for him to marry, you were good enough to be a stepmom to his kids, and the relationship came about as a direct result of your marriage to him. He doesn’t get to take that away from you unless you’re mistreating his kid.” jammy913
