People Are Ready To Learn From Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Telling My Dad's Wife About His Past Drinking Problems?
“My father is divorcing his now wife, and she is currently working in a place where I work. We don’t talk much with her, since she is in a different department, however, 2 months ago we talked and she asked me if my father had been drinking before he met her (2 years ago), and I said that yes, he had, which in fact is true because my mother divorced him because he was unfaithful and he had drinking problems. I told her that he had done things like that in the past and that was one of the reasons they got divorced.
1 hour ago he calls me that he wants to meet and give me some clothes, we meet, and he just starts yelling “what the heck have you told her, we are divorcing right now because of you, all your generation does not know how to hold your tongue shut, you should have said you didn’t know anything, etc etc.” He also said that she doesn’t matter as much to him, and he wants me to know this lesson to keep my mouth shut.
Now I do feel terrible, I feel like I betrayed my father, when in fact, I just didn’t want to lie. He is also a boomer and I just feel so bad because he is my father and he is ‘trying’ to get back into my life (after I have graduated and found a decent job), however, I just think that he in fact does have a drinking problem and saying ‘everyone drinks, that is life, I’m normal’ is not an excuse.
I don’t know, right now I’m just writing this and feeling strange emotions. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like she is unhappy being with him and was looking for confirmation that she wasn’t the motivation for his drinking. Either way, if the drinking is a dealbreaker in the relationship she would have left eventually anyway.
You just gave her the knowledge she needed to know it’s not her fault and there’s nothing she needs to change about herself in order to get him to stop drinking. For all we know he could have been trying to convince her she was responsible and now that they’re getting a divorce he’s shoving the blame onto you.” IzSommerKat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m a boomer and don’t drink like him, don’t two-time my wife, and would never blame my kids for my problems. He’s not a normal dad. He sounds like a jerk. And she obviously already knew of his problems and was just getting more validation from you.
It’s not like they had a wonderful marriage and your statement ruined it. Don’t let your dad’s rant guilt you. This is on him, not you.” Ancient-Witness-615
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – nah, he got caught lying to her and she’s not putting up with it.
Fair enough. Not your circus, not your monkey. You certainly are not the one who lied to her and clearly there’s a lot more going on between them that’s not written here. He needs to grow up and own up to his own nonsense. Not you.” Legal-Lingonberry577
20. AITJ For Secretly Hosting Movie Nights Without My Sensitive Friend?
“My (16F) friend group of 8 other girls like to have movie nights occasionally. For every movie night, everyone suggests a movie and we all vote on which one to watch.
There’s this one girl called Delaney who is sensitive to a lot of topics. Mostly horror movies and other ‘disturbing’ stuff. Whenever someone suggests a movie, she googles the plot beforehand and if she doesn’t like it, she demands that we choose something else.
There have been countless times where the rest of us decide on a movie only for her to say that we can’t watch it because it upsets her.
I suggested that we should pick the movie we all voted for, and if it’s too much for Delaney, she could skip movie night and stay home.
She refused, saying she didn’t want to be left out. She said that if one of us is disturbed by a movie, then the rest of us should respect our friend’s wishes.
I didn’t think it was fair for the rest of us to miss out on something we liked because of one person.
I got this idea that if we all voted for a movie, but Delaney rejected it, we could secretly watch it without her. In the past two years, we’ve had several secret movie nights and watched: Last Night in Soho, The Black Phone, Barbarian, Saw, Heathers, Whiplash, The Wolf of Wall Street, The Butterfly Effect, Talk to Me, and Memento.
However, we still had dozens of other movie nights including Delaney.
Delaney found out the truth after my little sister exposed me. She’s furious with me. She told me that I was a fake friend who was deliberately excluding her. I told her that it wasn’t fair for the rest of us to be forbidden from doing something we all liked together because of one person.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She is just being entitled. It’s not like she is being forced to watch things she doesn’t enjoy or might find triggering. This is very much a “shhhhhhh, let people enjoy things” moment and she needs to be told that.
She doesn’t have to participate, but she cannot stop people from enjoying things either. Fair is fair, if she thinks she gets veto power when she is part of the group, then she can’t get mad when people do the things she doesn’t enjoy without her.
This is like a person with a peanut allergy getting mad when their friends have PB&J sandwiches on their own. Completely and totally unhinged and antisocial behavior. Furthermore, she isn’t the only person in the friend group, she cannot control everyone’s viewing habits and tastes.
She needs to get over herself and accept that people will just watch what they want with who they want. Either that or give up veto power. Those are the options.” Start_over_dude
Another User Comments:
“Yes, it is true. You deliberately excluded her because she’s holding the whole group hostage.
She feels that if it’s 7 to 1 she should still win. The fact is you have movie night with her and then some movie nights you don’t because she doesn’t like those movies. And half the movies you said have nothing wrong with them. She needs to understand that just because she doesn’t like it doesn’t mean the other seven have to miss out on it.
You did nothing wrong and she’s just upset because there are some times when you’re not including her because she would be upset or veto it. Next time she picks a movie and votes on it. Tell everybody no. I don’t want to watch that movie.
I don’t think it’s any good and then pick a different one. And tell her how does she like it. You’re not a fake friend. You’re being a real friend to the other people in your group. She’s the one who is controlling a manipulative.
NTJ.” Even_Enthusiasm7223
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like Delaney doesn’t like to be told “no”. She cannot have her way every time. If everyone else wants to watch that movie, and she’s the only one who doesn’t, then it’s SOLELY HER problem to deal with.
She can either attend or exclude herself. She’s not respecting anyone but yet demanding respect.” Reasonable_Injury848
19. AITJ For Wanting To Uninvite My Drama-Starting Step Sister-In-Law From My Wedding?
“My (24F) and my fiancé’s (22M) wedding is coming up this winter. It’s a small venue with limited space. Luckily we still were able to invite everyone who’s important to us. We decided on a no-small children wedding due to the venue size and photographer equipment safety.
(We have a huge security deposit on it.) Don’t get us wrong we absolutely love children. If we weren’t paying for it all ourselves and if we had a bigger venue we’d be more than happy to accommodate the children as well. We’ve been trying to conceive ourselves.
Sadly once ending in a miscarriage.
Fast-forward to the day everyone starts receiving their invitations. My fiancé’s STEP-sister received her invite and instead of coming to us about her concerns, she calls 5 family members telling them “how dare we request for no children under the age of 10 to attend.” (She has a 9y and 11m) By the time she called us we had already heard from 3 of his family members about how upset she was about it.
She belittled us saying things like “If I can’t bring them I’m not coming! It’s not my fault y’all have failed to become parents” etc. until my fiancé was on the verge of tears. He’s not a crier. He really wanted her to be there.
So after over 10 mins of the nonsense, I told her she can bring them but that she is to sit in the back.
She’s always been the drama starter including asking my fiancé if she could wear a white dress TO MY WEDDING since my dress is technically ivory.
He told her no, gave her the list of colors she can wear. Her words were “oh gosh, your wedding colors are gross” (it’s our 2 favorite colors and are used in weddings a lot). Then proceeded to tell my fiancé he needed to postpone the wedding so she could have one last Christmas with “her family”.
Now here’s where I may the jerk. She tried to tell, not ask but told me her kids were my ring bearer and flower girl. When I asked her when did we ever agree to that? She said “well I assumed…. “ I snapped and said “well you know what assuming does it makes a fool outta you and me.” She looked at me crazy.
I said “you better be glad we are even allowing them at the wedding, do not push our courtesy invite or I will be more than happy to revoke it.”
My fiancé walked in right after that and the comment about the white dress came to mind.
I switched back to her and stated loud and clear to her “and if you show up in that white dress you were asking about be prepared to go home in a red one”. My fiance laughed and his step-sister stormed out.
Now we are getting calls from his step-family saying we bullied her into not wearing a dress she liked…when we questioned them well it seems she never clarified that it was white to any of them… guess that slipped her mind…..some still think we need to apologize to her because “she seems really upset about it”.
At this point, we are thinking about uninviting them.
So AITJ for wanting to uninvite my STEP-SIL to avoid drama on my big day?”
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk, and you guys need to start talking right now about how you guys are going to set boundaries with his family.
You are marrying into this family. Unless you know that he is capable of setting boundaries, you’re gonna be dealing with this kind of nonsense for a long time. You guys need to make some rules. Like write them down. Agree on them. Negotiate.
And then sign the list. Because it’s really easy for people to let their boundaries get pushed a little bit at a time, so make your expectations clear. The gossip, the ganging up on you, none of this is good. You need to make sure that he has your back and isn’t going to capitulate to this kind of thing in the future.
You made a really big mistake by telling her that she could bring her kids because that rewarded bad behavior. You can’t do that again and you both need to agree that you won’t do that again for anyone. Only good behavior gets rewarded.” FindAriadne
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You need to revoke her invite today! She IS going to wear her white dress and cause a scene at the wedding telling everyone about the kid issue and how horrible you are to her children. Then she is going to talk about anything she perceives in her bitty brain that you’ve done all your life.
That you didn’t want her children there because you are jealous, you can’t have children. (Sorry that she said that because it’s just down in the gutter mean – purposely hurtful.) She is going to be loud and tell her children to do whatever they want and even disrupt the vows themselves.
After everything you’ve said about her, this is what you should expect her to do because it’s always about her even on YOUR wedding day. All those family members saying you are mean and should apologize can go kick rocks because it looks like she is the golden child who gets what she wants, when she wants, and where she wants it, and they acquiesce.
I would send a group text outlining everything she said to you and your fiance. It’s YOUR wedding day, and if you want to make it special, FFS don’t let her come, and revoke her invitation. Also, you are going to need to keep someone at the door to keep her out because her loud entitled, self-absorbed butt will be banging on the door!” ckm22055
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and tell her family members she doesn’t seem upset but rather unstable, that you would also call someone unrelated if a family member acted as erratically as step SIL, also that step SIL forgot to contribute her part of the payment to have a say in your and your partner’s day.
And, OP you have a serious fiance issue. How come his family mistreats you and he’s giving in to their selfish request just because “he wants step SIL there so bad”? If she chooses to not attend let her not attend, stop prioritizing her and her family over your and his happiness on a day that’s about you two, not about her.
Maybe he’s too young to get married and put his partner over his family’s selfishness. I highly recommend counseling before marriage.” Commercial-Loan-929
18. AITJ For Sending My Foster Child To Private School Despite My Sister's Disapproval?
“I have been fostering Maya (8) for about 7 months now.
I work at a children’s hospital and Maya came in around 10 months ago with some pretty horrific injuries.
She was in the hospital for 2.5 months and had 3 surgeries and a lot of PT and OT. She didn’t have any family so I took care of her while she was there. I got her some clothes and toys, learned how to do her hair, watched Frozen 50 times, stayed the night before/after surgeries or when she had a rough day, I cooked for her, and introduced her to fruits and vegetables.
I ended up falling in love with this little girl and had to keep her. I was able to get licensed pretty quickly because of my job so when she came home from the hospital, she went straight to me.
The public school sent a teacher to the hospital then the house for a while, then when she was able to go to school she was put in the special ed class in a public school with a plan to eventually get her in mainstream classes.
There weren’t exactly any problems with the public school or her class, it just wasn’t a good fit. She wasn’t making friends, wasn’t making any improvements with their speech therapist, wasn’t learning much even though her teachers tried and her school got her 5 hours/week of tutoring, and she’d hold my hand and take a nap the second we got home (she’s not much of a napper).
I decided to look at private schools and found a Montessori-inspired school around 45 minutes from my house. We took a tour, she did the assessment, and she got in. She started in March and she’s doing great. She’s speaking more and more clearly, she’s learning so much, and she even has 2 friends.
The school is expensive though. After my financial aid, I’m paying $1200/month for her tuition and when she starts going to aftercare it’ll be another $450/month.
I was talking to my sister about Maya and this school and how she and her husband might want to consider it for their older daughter (2, the preschool starts at 3) and she asked why I’m sending a kid I might not get to keep to private school and that it would be a waste of money if she ends up going to a family member.
I told her not to worry about me “wasting” my money on Maya and that I’m happy to pay if it’s helping her. She kept pushing and I told her that if this is how she feels about my kid I will have to distance myself from her and will not be helping with her kids anymore.
Now she’s calling me sensitive and claims that I’m abandoning my family. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, But your sister is a cold person to think that you are wasting your money helping a disadvantaged kid get the help she needs. I don’t think you are wrong.
She is dissing your parenting, your good heart, your generous wallet and is discriminating against a child who is not responsible for the situation. Sister or not, she doesn’t deserve any more of your help.” ConfusedAt63
Another User Comments:
“In my country (I don’t know if it exists in other places) there is something basically translated to helper family.
I was in one of those as a baby up until around 6 when they sadly divorced. Meaning, that I still lived with my mom, but they took me weekends, holidays, etc., or simply when my mom needed a break. All done through the government. I LOVED going there, there was structure, food and we did stuff, all things my mom never did nor ever did till I became an adult.
I was with them on holidays around the country, I went with them to family gatherings, I had my own room and toys. They were also a big help in recognizing something was wrong and getting me my ADHD diagnosis at 8 as they already had talked to the government countless times about there may be some underlying issues due to me being so long with them.
Basically, what I’m trying to say, this kid even if you don’t get to keep her will never forget you. NTJ.” Happyweekend69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ giving Maya a foundation to build upon going forward is an incredible gift. At her new school she’s learning more than just the syllabus, she’s learning how to build confidence, make friends, learn how to make good choices, and most importantly, she’s feeling secure enough to push her boundaries.
Even if Maya left in weeks, months, or years, I hope those lessons will stay with her as a beacon among all the unpleasantness that happened in her early life. Above all else, she has an adult who genuinely loves her without expecting anything in return, that type of kindness will stay with her for the rest of her life.
That is not a waste.” I_wanna_be_anemone
17. AITJ For Prioritizing My Injured Dog's Recovery Over Having Visitors Meet My Newborn?
“My husband and I just welcomed our first child 4 days ago on Sunday 5/19. She arrived just short of 38 weeks and I had no signs of impending labor just days before so her arrival surprised us a bit but we’re both happy and healthy.
My husband and I also have a 5-year-old dachshund, Oliver who we are completely obsessed with. Oliver gets regular allergy shots and had an appointment on Monday which I had planned to take him to but obviously, that changed when the baby arrived. I want to keep him on his medication schedule and knew things would be chaotic with a newborn at home so I asked my parents (we live in a 2-family home with them) to bring him for his appointment.
While in the waiting room of the vet’s office, he was attacked by a much larger dog and sustained serious injuries. He was rushed into surgery immediately. The entire thing was so traumatic – finding out he was injured while I was away in the hospital was one of the worst moments of my life.
I made my husband go and be there at the vet’s office while I waited anxiously in the hospital. Luckily he pulled through and is recovering as well as possible but he has a long road to recovery.
I was discharged the next day and he was able to come home yesterday.
Having a baby in the house is a huge adjustment for us all, including Oliver, though he has been shocking us with how well he’s doing especially while in the midst of a recovery. It has been really hard for my husband and I to make sure everyone’s needs are met but we’re managing with some help from my parents.
Things are going as well as can be expected after a stressful week. However, one thing that’s causing a lot of stress is visitors. My hospital still had strict visiting rules so all the relatives who couldn’t visit wanted to visit at home.
However, Oliver gets extremely excited to see anyone who comes over and we have been instructed to keep him quiet and calm right now so that he can heal. Additionally, we are exhausted from taking care of both. When our daughter is napping we spend all our time with him as he recovers.
We decided that right now is not the time to have visitors. But we’ve gotten some nasty replies from family saying we’re prioritizing a dog over our daughter’s relationship with her family (she’s a newborn, she doesn’t know any different and these aren’t immediate family members) and that they can’t believe we’d put a dog over them.
They tell me I’ll be a bad mom for prioritizing Oliver and that breaks my heart because I love my baby so much but I also love Oliver to death too. My in-laws live out of state and will meet the baby in July so the people being pushed off aren’t grandparents, they’re my husband’s siblings and aunts and uncles on both sides.
If it weren’t for Oliver’s injuries, we probably would allow select visitors with certain precautions but he is our first baby and we want to make this time stress-free for him. AITJ for putting visitors on the back burner during this time?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and this isn’t evidence you are a bad mom it’s evidence you will be a great one. You are exhausted and everyone is recovering and you and your husband are still working as a team and putting both of the helpless creatures in your care first. You guys got this, Momma.” ItchyDoggg
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 1. It’s a newborn baby and they aren’t the ones the baby needs to bond with 2. Families always seem to think newborns are communal property. They aren’t 3. Your house, your baby, your dog, your rules 4. Of course the dog is also a member of the family and you are doing no more than prioritizing a family member’s health 5.
They will all have to mutter nasty stuff under their breath and wait.” ReviewOk929
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “I’m not sure why you thought calling me a bad mom would make me want to open my house to you as I recover from giving birth, care for my newborn, and care for my injured dog, but I can assure you it’s had the opposite effect.
I will be focusing on my immediate family during this period. Do not contact me for a while unless it is to apologize for your hurtful words.” Well done on holding your boundaries. Congratulations on the arrival of your little one! And wishing Oliver all the best for a complete and swift recovery.
And you. You have recovering to do too, mom.” embopbopbopdoowop
16. AITJ For Being Upset That My Trans Brother Chose My Future Son's Name For His Own?
“I (27F) am the oldest sister of four children. I have three younger siblings, aged 24, 23, and 21. My youngest sibling recently came out as a trans man and everyone in our family is being super supportive, which is great. I have loved being able to support my brother through the earliest stages of his transition process.
The problem is with the name he has chosen for himself. I am someone who is very focused on my career but I have always known that I do want children eventually, and there is one name in particular I’ve had picked out for my future son since I was 14.
I don’t want to say the actual name because it’s not too common, but let’s pretend it’s “Evan”.
It’s common knowledge in my family that I have always loved the name Evan. I have made it clear over the years that I intend to name my son that.
A few weeks ago, my brother sat the family down and told us that he is ready to change his name to a name that really fits him. He then told us that he is changing his name to Evan. I thought he was joking at first but once everyone started hugging him, I realized that he was serious.
Without really thinking, I said, “But that’s my name.” He just shrugged it off and was like, “Well, it’s my name now.”
I tried not to get too upset about it because it felt very petty and I wanted to be supportive. But then everyone in my family started calling him Evan and I could feel myself being less and less okay with it.
I tried to confide in my mum but she told me that I was being ridiculous, trying to claim ownership over a name.
Eventually, my brother asked why I wasn’t calling him by his name and I asked him why he had to choose the one name that I’ve always wanted for my son.
He told me that I was being unfair, trying to gatekeep a name for a baby that might never arrive. He said that I was “further away from having a baby than ever”, which was hurtful because I recently broke up with my long-term partner and moved back in with our parents.
But from his perspective, “Evan” feels like a good fit and he is already here (unlike my future son), so he should take priority.
I do see where he is coming from and I do want to support him, but it hurt me that he and my mum were so willing to dismiss my feelings over it.
It might not be a big thing to them but I’ve had this name picked for ages, to the point where my family has jokingly referred to my future son by name sometimes. I told my brother that he was being selfish and a jerk.
I know this is very petty but AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s understandable that you felt surprised and hurt, but prioritizing a hypothetical person over a real one is a jerk move. Your brother being named Evan doesn’t actually mean you can’t name your son Evan if you have a son.
Lots of families have multiple people with the same name, and they figure it out.” MazikeenBronze
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – You can feel a bit annoyed and disappointed but he’s right you can’t gatekeep a name for a baby that may never come.
You keep referring to ‘your future son’. You may never decide to have children, you may have fertility issues, you may only have girls, you may have a child with someone who hates the name Evan, you might have a son take one look at him and decide actually he really doesn’t seem like an Evan, you might have a child with someone whose surname is Evans and decide Evan Evans sounds ridiculous.
You can also still name your potential child Evan, loads of families have people with the same name. Your brother is here now and identifies with that name, telling him he should pick something different isn’t really fair.” Bn0503
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. How would your brother feel, if you have a daughter and call her by his deadname?
I mean – it’s just a name, right? And he doesn’t need it anymore…. He knew what he did and it was a jerk move. He knew it would hurt you. He could choose any name in this world, but he chooses the one that’s important to you.
I understand your disappointment. I also wouldn’t name my child after anybody in the family.” wicky1983
15. AITJ For Being Upset That My Wife Didn't Let Our Daughter Call Me?
“Before we go into the situation, I (33M) own my own company, but the job requires me to be away from home for weeks at a time. When I am home it’s usually only for 4-5 days before leaving for work again.
My wife (30F) is a SAHM who is often overstimulated and who just recently started her own small business. Now on with the situation.
So my wife texted me this evening saying I may want to call my daughter tomorrow and talk to her, because she’s had a rough day.
According to her, my daughter was tired, our two boys were fighting and this caused my daughter to become upset and start crying for me. My wife, being overstimulated, didn’t let her call me so she could talk to me. When I asked why my daughter wasn’t able to call me my wife responded with “I was overstimulated and just wanted them to go to sleep.”
When I read the word “overstimulated” I called her. My wife’s love language is affirmation and I’ve learned that calling and giving her words of affirmation helps her calm down. We talked for several minutes with me telling her how great of a job she’s doing with the kids and with sales at her business.
Because honestly, she has been doing great with keeping the business up and holding down the home front. Then she asked, “are you mad that I didn’t let her call you?” I said “no but it does upset me when I find out one of my children was literally verbally crying for me but wasn’t allowed to call me.”
This caused her to blow up on me saying I don’t know what she goes through on a daily basis because I’m always gone for work and that she feels like I don’t respect her feelings as much as I do our children’s feelings.
So I brought up that this wasn’t the first time she’s done this and asked her how it would make her feel if one of the kids were crying for her but weren’t allowed to call her. She again said I wasn’t considering her feelings.
So I asked her why she doesn’t let them call me if they’ve been “bad”. And she replied “I’m hanging up now. I don’t appreciate being told I gatekeep my kids’ phone time with their dad as a form of punishment or that you’re not respecting that I didn’t let her call because I was overstimulated. Call her in the morning.” And she hung up.
I never once downplayed the fact she was overstimulated. I just pointed out that I don’t want my kids to EVER feel like they can’t call me, when they need me to talk to them after a bad day, because it might cause someone else to be upset.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Too much missing information. If your wife is constantly “overstimulated” (I don’t even know what that means in this context) then why is she taking on a job in addition to dealing with the kids? What is the financial situation?
How much do you make compared to her? Basically, if she’s contributing half the income, plus dealing with the house and kids while you’re never home, of course she’s losing it. On the other hand, if you’re making a ton of money, she agreed to be a SAHM, and then she’s taking on a stressful side hustle just for the fun of it, then that’s ridiculous.
Sounds like you need to have a serious discussion about roles and responsibilities for making money, raising your kids, and dealing with the house.” Trick_Photograph9758
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and I don’t like to say that to you. There’s a lot going on here, but the bottom line is if you’re gone for weeks at a time you don’t have a lot of standing to argue with your wife about things like this.
You say you call every morning and FT for two hours every night, so it’s not like she’s keeping them from you. You don’t mention your kids’ ages, but I’m guessing they’re all under ten, and having three of them to try to wrangle without help is a lot.
Kids that age are difficult in the best of circumstances, but your kids are living with their mom full time and you just pop in for a few days every several weeks. Your wife told you your daughter would need some special attention from you.
She’s being your eyes and ears while you’re gone, and you disagree with the way she managed it. You’re going to have to sacrifice something. Sacrifice financially to be a more active parent, or sacrifice being an active parent to provide financially. But you don’t get to insist that your wife sacrifice more in order for you to try to manage parenting from a distance.” Purple_Bowling_Shoes
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. When you make kids, you have to actually PARENT them. You’ve abdicated your role as their father and left your wife to do all the childrearing. This is not good for your wife and not good for your kids. Get a new job.
Be home more. Spend time with the people who love you. If you don’t change quick, you’ll soon find out that the kids have grown up and you don’t know them, and your wife has moved on to somebody who can actually be a partner to her.” VintagePangolin
14. AITJ For Not Helping My Daughter Save Her House After She Lied About Her Financial Situation?
“A few years ago my husband and I were proud to co-sign for our daughter (27 female) to help her buy her first house. We were happy to help and despite not having a lot of money ourselves we bought her a washer and dryer for her new home.
I called to check in with her regularly and see how things were going and if she needed anything. I know she changed jobs mid-year and I wanted to make sure she’d still be okay financially. She assured me she was good and everything was fine.
We started noticing inconsistencies around Christmas when our credit score took a hit due to 2 late payments on her house. Our daughter told us it was a mix-up with the bank since a new bank took over her mortgage and she would sort it out.
A few months later it still had not been corrected so I called our daughter again. Something seemed off so I called the bank since my name was on the loan and found out my daughter was 6 months behind on the mortgage. When confronted she said the new job wasn’t working out so she quit back in December and hadn’t been able to find a new job.
I thought this was strange since we taught her not to quit a job until you have a new one in place to be responsible. I also asked her why she hadn’t come to us and she said she was embarrassed. We gave her some leads on new jobs because we couldn’t afford to pay the full amount she owed on the house at this point and suggested she get a roommate and if she could get those things done we would see what we could do.
It was a couple of months before she found a job (I don’t think she even looked into the leads we gave her) but still had no roommate to help with the bills. At this point, we found out from her grandfather that she had taken a large sum of money from him during that first year (over 20k) and had just asked him for more but he said he was sorry and he didn’t have more to give.
We still have no idea what she did with any of the money and she never told us about this. Our daughter continued lying to us about paying the bills and has not done anything to help herself or save her home. The mortgage company said they sent her documents for a hardship extension which she never returned. We finally made the decision to not take money out of our retirement (which was our only option since our credit scores were now in the toilet because of this and we can’t get a loan) to save the house.
This was not an easy decision to make, but we made it mostly because she had not tried to help herself at all and lied to us over and over again for more than a year. We told her she could come stay with us until she could get back on her feet.
She not only declined but stopped talking to us not long after. This was not an easy decision but if we had saved her house we likely would’ve lost our own. Are we the jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Save your own credit. Your daughter is being dodgy.
Where did the 20k from Grandfather go? She should be returning that instead of asking for more. She is ruining your credit and dragging you down with her through her irresponsible actions. You need to find out what she’s been up to that’s dragging the whole family down and put a stop to it.” Shichimi88
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your daughter is an adult. If she needed help, she should have been honest with you (which she should have been from the start, since you were affected by this because of the co-sign). Instead, she has been dodgy and outright lied to you about her situation, besides the fact that she has not taken the actions she could take to help herself.
There comes a point where you need to let her face the consequences of her own actions.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Like some others, I think it sounds like your daughter might be dealing with a mental health or substance use issue or both.
She could have been fired because of the effect it was having on her work. And she might very well be in a shame spiral. I think the best thing you can do right now is make sure she knows you love her unconditionally and want her to be safe and healthy.
That doesn’t mean you just give her money (definitely don’t do that), but make sure she knows she isn’t alone and that you are there to help.” shoshpd
13. AITJ For Not Coddling Our Disabled Friend Who Lies And Manipulates?
“My fiance (let’s call him Osso) and I have a friend who is disabled. He fell out of a window as a kid. The accident left him with one messed up arm and some mental issues (primarily memory issues and seizures). He’s 36 years old but has the mentality of an adolescent.
A while back, he lied to me and I confronted him about it. His initial response was, “Well, Osso must be lying to you and trying to get me in trouble!” (My fiance would never sink that low and is not a habitual liar. Osso also had screenshots proving his side of the story.)
Later, after he admitted he lied, he did apologize (with pressure from his wife) but also tried to say, “I felt attacked when you confronted me about it,” and tried to guilt trip me. I said, “Well, if you hadn’t lied in the first place, I wouldn’t have needed to confront you about it.” I felt like my reaction was reasonable.
Our friend also does shady stuff like trying to manipulate people about money. For instance, he texted Osso and said, “Gee, I wish I had money for Bingo tonight,” after he decided to join Osso for Bingo night. When Osso didn’t fall for it, he texted another friend the same thing.
I got into an argument with Osso about all this yesterday. Personally, I don’t like the guy and I keep our interactions limited. Unfortunately, he really likes Osso and shadows him every chance he gets. Osso doesn’t even like going to Bingo anymore because our buddy started going regularly.
Any time Osso does something new, the guy tries to tag along. He also kept calling Osso several times a day until I bluntly told him to stop.
Osso says I should be nicer because “he has the mind of a child.” I agree that he’s not all there, but I think he uses his disability to get away with nonsense and step over boundaries.
I do not treat him with kid gloves the way most people do. I’m not trying to be cruel, but I refuse to coddle him. I don’t know. Am I being ableist?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t like him and you don’t like that Osso and others put up with him.
You have every right to be or not be his friend – that’s your call. It sounds like you’re trying to control Osso’s relationship with him and that’s not ok. Osso is an adult and can make his own decisions regarding his friendships. You may not like it but it’s not your place.
He even asked you to be nicer. If you can’t be nice, keep your mouth shut about him, or just don’t go when he’s going to be somewhere.” archetyping101
Another User Comments:
“He has the “mind of a child” yet he’s married. Your husband is infantilizing this guy and he is taking advantage of it, 100%.
It’s unfortunate that the trauma of following out of a window has left him irreparably changed, but no one would put themselves into the situation of making their lifelong partner (…who could also make medical decisions for them) in the hands of someone who is mentally on-par with a child.
“Teenager” is also kind of vague to talk about someone developmentally, since a 13-year-old is pretty different from a 17/18-year-old, but any teen can know it’s not right to lie and mooch. It sounds more like that’s just his character and may have well been it no matter what, plenty of people are like that without the same past. NTJ.” Electronic-Panda-613
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a disabled person myself, I want you to remove the disability part of the equation here. Because nothing that happened to him as a kid causes the behavior you’re describing (the lying, money stuff, etc) and it sounds like that’s just his personality.
If he wasn’t disabled, would you still hang out with him? Would your fiance still hang out with him?… I’m gonna guess you’d both say no. Your fiance says he has the mind of a child. But 1) children don’t always lie, if they do they’re often just a brat and 2) that doesn’t mean you owe him your friendship.
Most mature adults don’t want to hang out with people who maturity-wise, act like little kids. Explain to him why you feel uncomfortable being around him, what he needs to change, etc. Text works well since it’s basically a written list and gives you proof if he tries to turn it around and accuse you of not liking him because of his disability (a sad truth but people with some toxic behaviors usually have a couple more hidden somewhere, especially when they’re angry).
Then, just stop hanging around him. Ignore him and/or leave if he tries to follow or speak to you. He might be disabled but that disability does not make him do what makes you and your husband uncomfortable with him. His disability affects other parts of his mind and body, absolutely but not this.” isopodsoup_
12. AITJ For Thinking My Wife Should Do More Childcare Because She Works Less?
“For context, our son just turned 12 months, and my wife returns to work tomorrow after a year off.
We are very fortunate as I work for a blue chip and make 6 figures but often that means working away or 50-60 hour weeks, and so we have agreed that rather than her return full time and put our son in nursery, she would only work 2 days per week and help raise our son 5 days per week.
I get really irritated when my wife scoffs at me after she tries to assign me a job to do via a disingenuous question – for example, this afternoon, I asked if our son was due for a nap and she replied “yes, do you want to walk him around the block?” I am pretty tired after catering at his birthday party yesterday, so I said “do you want to take him?”
An argument ensued re how I don’t do enough to help her with our son, with my main point being that she is our son’s “primary” caregiver and;
A) You’ve not worked for 12 months
B) You aren’t returning to work full-time
C) We now pay her parents to clean our house (affordable due to my work)
For context, I like to cook, so I cook all our dinners. As I say, cleaning is taken care of by somebody else… I’ve always helped with our son, whether it’s changing nappies or feeding time etc. Admittedly she does much more than me (particularly whilst she was breastfeeding), but she quipped my view on us parenting is like something from the “dark ages”…
Am I the jerk here? Feels like a cake and eat it situation…”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here from your answers and post it seems clear you are both stressed and taking each other for granted. She is most likely struggling with going back to work and leaving the baby and feeling she is not only the “primary” parent but the sole parent.
You are resentful of her staying home, and underestimating the work she is putting in because she is not working outside the home and has her parents there to help. At the end of the day you both need to communicate with each other and support each other.
Therapy for both individually and together may do you wonders. Your son needs you both at your best and I would hate to think this is either of you at your best.” Kind-Philosopher1
Another User Comments:
“You mention your wife trying to assign jobs via a disingenuous question.
But then give an example of you asking her a question. She answered your question and then asked if you could help with your kid. Nothing about her question reads as disingenuous. You also describe that working 50-60 hours a week leaves you tired. Then you mention you were too tired from your son’s birthday party.
Was your wife also at the party entertaining guests and caring for your son? Wouldn’t she be tired too? Overall you sound like two very tired parents. But it’s really easy to let that exhaustion become resentment or frustration. Especially if you have a misconception about the work your partner is putting in.
Have a bigger discussion about this. Try to focus on listening, sharing your feelings clearly and without judgment, and building a bridge back to your partner. No jerks here.. but it could very easily slip into everyone sucks here. Congrats on making it through one year of parenting.
That’s a huge accomplishment.” MyTh0ughtsExactly
Another User Comments:
“You’re the jerk. I’ve been in the same mindset as you when our son was born. Regardless of your financial and household chore distribution, child-rearing should be a team effort. My wife has always done more than her share with our son, which has resulted in him being way more dependent on her than myself no matter how much I try to steer some of that in my direction.
I wish I had been more proactive earlier in his life to make it more balanced. You still have a good chance to do this.” yar1279
11. AITJ For Telling My Aunt That Finding My Birth Parents Won't Make Her Son Search For Her?
“I’m (24f) an adoptee and I have never ever wanted to search for my birth parents or any birth family. I’m happy with the family I was raised in, I did some genetic testing to get a better idea of risk factors so I don’t need my birth family for that kind of thing and generally, I don’t feel any curiosity about the people I’m genetically related to.
I’m also really extremely happy with my life and I’m not feeling anything missing. Something could change in the future but I have never felt any other way about this.
My mom’s oldest sister placed her son for adoption 38 years ago. She was young and she felt like she had no choices at the time.
But she has always wished she hadn’t given him up, she tried to get him back a couple of months after he was adopted, and she tried searching for him a few times, but it seems like he never looked for her and so she hasn’t found him.
It’s a grief she carries around almost 40 years later.
I think my aunt’s experience has given her this warped idea that if I were to search for my birth family and show an interest in meeting and being part of my birth family, her son will do the same.
She has encouraged me to be more curious about my birth family for years now. Since I was a teenager and I never cared. She told me, not asked or suggested, but told me I should look for my birth parents. I told her I didn’t want to and she told me I didn’t know what I was saying.
She has used guilt trips about my birth parents missing me and about the family I could be missing out on. But I was clear I don’t care. My mom spoke to her several times and told her to get help and stop dragging me into her grief.
She refuses to leave it alone.
She has asked me why I have no interest and I have told her how I feel. She has really tried to make me say I’m somewhat curious but I’m just not. And then we had an incident the other week.
She mentioned it for the millionth time and I tried to ignore her and carry on other conversations but she kept bringing it up, and bringing it up. She was asked to stop by my mom and other family members and finally I got so tired of her pressing the issue that I told her finding my birth parents won’t make her son search for her and she needs to stop linking those things because she’s setting herself up for more heartache.
My aunt called me callous to her experience and feelings.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You really cannot be too harsh (editing here to clarify that I meant that any level of harsh response from OP is justified) with your aunt at this point. You’ve every right to go completely no contact with her and the entire family needs to back you up.
If she does both Ancestry and 23 & Me testing and makes her results public, her son can find her if he wants. But she’s so desperate she’s gonna need therapy regardless or she’ll drive him away the minute he meets her.” Auntie-Mam69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…myself and my 2 younger siblings are all adopted, we were not related prior to our adoptions. I have no desire to search, my brother has no way to search he was left on an orphanage doorstep in South Korea in 1974 and my sister did search and has a great relationship with some that she found.
Her searching never made me want to but I am happy my sister followed her heart to search since she wanted to. I am almost 54 years old, I was adopted at 6 weeks, my bio lady was only 13…no way would I want to disrupt her life or make her feel bad about her decision 50-plus years ago!
I have a great life, I had a loving family!” jersey8894
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Being adopted is a very personal experience. Everyone’s experience is different. Some find their forever family, and they don’t feel like there is something missing in their lives and have no interest in their biological family.
Some don’t find the same happiness in the adoptive family and feel the need to have a connection to their bio family and therefore seek them out. Some have horrible experiences with their adoptive families. Some who seek out their bio family find a connection and a relationship, while others find heartache.
My younger brother is adopted. We never should have been approved, but hey, we were a white middle-class family doing a foreign adoption. Our mother, who was awful to her bio children, never physically mistreated him but did mistreat him mentally and emotionally, then abandoned him when she divorced our father.
He’s now in his 40s and still has no desire to find his bio family. We have always supported him in his decision to look or not look for them. I share this just to bring home that not all adoptions are successful/happy, and every story is unique and shouldn’t be compared. Searching for a bio parent/child doesn’t always end well either.
I hope your aunt gets the therapy she desperately needs. And I’m so very happy you found your forever family. I’m closest to my younger brother, and although I believe we never should have been approved to adopt, I’m forever grateful he’s MY brother.” NaturalPossibility25
10. AITJ For Confronting My Coworker About Her Habit Of Borrowing My Things?
“I (28M) work in a small office with a close-knit team. We all get along well, except for a borrowing habit of my coworker, Lola (30F).
Here’s the issue: Lola constantly “borrows” my stuff. Stapler, highlighters, even my lunch once (though she sheepishly replaced it).
I get it, small things happen. But it’s become excessive. My stapler goes missing, I find it on her desk. I bring a new pack of pens, half are gone by the week’s end.
The other day, I brought in a specific coffee mug — a limited edition one from my favorite band.
It wasn’t dishwasher safe, so I hand-washed it and left it on my desk to dry. I come back from a meeting, and it’s gone. I see Lola using it at her desk.
I calmly asked for it back, explaining it’s very special to me.
She apologized and said she’d be careful, but I was firm. I told her I needed it back because it wasn’t something I wanted to risk getting damaged.
She got huffy, claiming I was being dramatic and that it was “just a mug.” I told her it wasn’t “just a mug” to me, and that repeatedly taking things without asking was inconsiderate.
She stormed off, and now everyone’s giving me the silent treatment, implying I’m overreacting.
So, AITJ for calling out Lola’s borrowing habit, especially over a “just a mug”?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I am curious: is it only your things that mysteriously migrate to her desk?
It rather sounds like either her light-fingered ways are targeting you, or that your coworkers have quietly secured their items to keep them from disappearing. The next time your things show up in her hands, I’d ask why she’s targeting you and publicly call it harassment or stalking.” quats555
Another User Comments:
“Everything else would be excusable – a MUG though? That’s the line. That’s like… one of those things I would have assumed was an understood rule of offices but apparently it isn’t, NTJ. Your mistake was getting annoyed with the other stuff, which allows Lola to paint you as unreasonable “just a paper clip, just a mug” vs “she took my personal mug and drank from it, I’m not OK with that.”” RubyJuneRocket
Another User Comments:
“Is she the type to want all the attention on her? Or maybe just your attention? The things she’s taking, highlighters, stapler, lunch, and mug, are all really obvious objects that people are going to notice she’s using. Maybe she likes the idea of people thinking that you’re “sharing” your things with her because there’s something ‘more’ going on between the two of you?
It’s all very high school drama, but some girls never grow up.” 1trikkponi
9. AITJ For Blending Mushrooms Into Soup For My Kids Who Dislike Their Texture?
“My children are not allergic to mushrooms. My children love cream of mushroom soup. My kids hate the texture of mushrooms. When my wife uses canned mushroom soup in a recipe she will strain out the mushrooms for the kids.
However, when I use mushroom soup in a recipe I run it through the blender. The pieces are so small that they have no texture. The kids don’t complain about it and I don’t waste time.
My wife seems to think that I’m being a jerk because I’m tricking them into eating something they have been very clear about not liking.
I asked if she would rather eat a fistful of raw flour or a slice of bread. Preparation makes a difference.
I think we are both trying to make sure that the kids eat a good meal we just go about it in different ways.”
Another User Comments:
“As someone who has hated mushrooms with a fiery passion their whole life, when I found out my mom has always blended some up for her Thanksgiving stuffing (that I love), I admit my ego was a bit bruised. Ultimately I learned a valuable lesson; things, even foods, aren’t black and white, there’s a finely blended mushroom gray area and that’s okay!
There’s no vegan/vegetarian moral issue here, and I’m glad my mom “tricked” me, as I definitely would have refused to eat it as a kid if I knew, so I’m going with NTJ.” Living-Highlight7777
Another User Comments:
“My son at age 8 came to me to say he hated mushrooms and then asked me to make his favorite dinner – chicken and mushroom skillet casserole (think green bean casserole with chicken and rice).
I made it like normal – adding in a jar of mushrooms. He was eating and grabbed a hunk of mushroom and said he loved that part the best and asked what it was. I told him it was a mushroom. He thought for a moment and said “I guess I like mushrooms.” We then talked about the different mushrooms there were.
He didn’t like the raw, white mushrooms on the supreme pizza we had earlier. Lesson learned for him about generalizing dislikes. He still doesn’t like fish.” dml91hokie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Texture issue is a real thing that a lot of people have.
Not everyone likes things in their native or cooked form. You found a way for them to enjoy their favorite soup without taking out the additional nutrients of the mushrooms as well as the flavor they provide that your kids like. Changing the texture isn’t tricking them and I’m pretty sure your kids wouldn’t feel tricked either, they may even be excited they can have mushrooms without dealing with the texture they don’t like.” Catcon95
8. AITJ For Refusing To Make And Pack Breakfast For My Adult Sister?
“AITJ for not wanting to make breakfast for my 34yo sibling? She recently moved back in and takes breakfast to work. This isn’t a case where we all have breakfast together at the same time as a family or anything.
Everyone just rushes out and makes whatever they want to eat. I already meal prep lunches most days.
She recently moved back after being at a place where she’d get breakfast and lunch daily. The thing is, she thinks that I will take the same amount of time to make something for her while I’m making for myself which isn’t the case because she’ll also want me to pack it.
Yesterday I made something and she complained that she didn’t have time to pack it. Also, it has never been the other way around where she made breakfast and we both carried from it for work. She has to leave 15 minutes before me but before I used to have to leave before her and it was that same issue.
She deliberately wakes up with just enough time to get ready then complains about no breakfast. So, AITJ? I just feel like my peace is going to be messed with. I’ve dreaded her return.”
Another User Comments:
“Dear god, do you live someplace where there isn’t a drive-through fast food place that can hand your sister a prepared and packed breakfast customized to her very own order?
Wow, that must suck for you. OP, your sister is 34 years old, if she can’t figure out how to get herself breakfast by that age, it’s a wonder she even has been able to keep employment. This is not your problem. At the very least if she can’t figure out how to go to the store and buy a box of breakfast bars and open it!
(so difficult)! … then she deserves to go hungry. NTJ.” YouthNAsia63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s fully capable and just wants the convenience of having a servant. I can see two different approaches. 1. (probably the best) Just say NO. Anything she says after that just tell her to get lost. Don’t argue.
2. Ask her what it’s worth. Tell her you charge $x, in advance, to do breakfast for a fully-capable adult. This is your opportunity to turn your sister into a profit center.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 34 years old is old enough to take care of yourself.
If she wakes up with “just enough time to get ready” she should add 5 or 10 minutes so she can add “making food” to her getting ready. You’re not her maid/nanny/cook/servant…. are you? I live alone. Who’s going to feed me? Is it your fault if I go hungry?
If I was your roommate I’d still not expect a catered breakfast.” Demented-Alpaca
7. AITJ For Saying "Obviously Not" When Asked If I Care About My Partner Paying For Things?
“My partner Joe and I have been together two years and we live together.
I make more money than him, and we split bills proportionally. As for dates and trips, whoever plans it pays. It’s a very equitable relationship and we’re fine with it being that way.
Over the weekend, we were out with two other couples (friends of mine) and my one friend was saying her brother was buying his partner a car, so the topic turned to modern relationship dynamics.
Eventually, my one friend said something along the lines of “oh but you don’t really bother about a guy paying for stuff, do you?” And I said, “Obviously not. I’ve never been too worried about who is picking up the bill” and the conversation moved on.
I didn’t think it was a problem.
However, Joe is really annoyed about it. He says he feels embarrassed by the fact that I basically said it was “obvious” he doesn’t pay for things, and that my response was making fun of him.
I think he’s projecting but I don’t really want to say that in case I’m missing something. I’ve only mentioned this to my family who are obviously on my side so I’m just trying to get an unbiased perspective.
Was that me putting my foot in my mouth?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ here – this was careless wording on your part. Your use of “obviously” made your statement come off as a passive-aggressive dig at your partner. A simple “no” would have been much better here. Now it’s entirely possible your partner is dealing with some feelings of emasculation due to not being the provider in your relationship – societal norms dictate that’s where his value as a man comes from, and he’s not fulfilling that role in your dynamic.
Even if you’re both happy with this arrangement, there’s a lot of messaging out there for him to contend with. That’s ultimately his issue to deal with, but your comment very much fed into this idea.” Venetrix2
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It was a minor YTJ for the “obviously” part which could have been easily overlooked. You get major YTJ for then hearing him say it hurt his feelings and then immediately dismissing it and just saying that he’s projecting.
Maybe he is, more likely there’s a multitude of factors to why he feels that way. Do you need to logically rationalize someone’s emotions before you can respect them?” mattattack007
Another User Comments:
“The “obviously” is doing a lot of work in your statement. It makes it not just about you, but it makes it about your partner.
Imagine if Joe is quite a bit more attractive than you, and one of his friends said, “But you don’t think looks are that important in a relationship?” and with you right there responded “Obviously not”. The vast majority of people would take that as an insult.
In both of these situations, the “ideal” is that a partner shouldn’t care too much about those things (either hotness or wealth) and rather care about the personality and character of the person they are with. But despite the ideal, those are things that people get insecure about, and so it’s generally considered rude to highlight how your partner is lacking in those departments.
YTJ, not so much for the original comment (inadvertent subtle insensitivity at worst), but for your response to hearing how you hurt Joe’s feelings. It doesn’t matter whether your family thinks it should have hurt his feelings. He’s telling you that it did. Listen to him, try to understand him, and figure out a way forward together that works for both of you.” curien
6. AITJ For Replacing My Bridesmaid Days Before The Wedding Over A Dress Color Mix-Up?
“I (26F) am getting married in four days. I’m not the pickiest person. I told my bridesmaids two things they absolutely had to do were have silver shoes and purchase a burgundy, mesh, floor-length dress from Azazie.
I have 8 bridesmaids all with different body types, so I said they could pick any style they were comfortable with as long as it met those three requirements. About a month ago, my matron of honor (Liz) advised me to ask all of the women if they had ordered their dresses yet because the delivery date was getting close to the wedding date.
I followed her advice and sent a message to the group. Everyone responded that their dress was delivered or almost there except for one (Sam). Sam responded with “I have a dress”. The wording made me uneasy, but Sam is known for not being the best texter.
The kind where the wording is just kinda off, almost like a grandparent figuring out texting. So I figured she meant she had the dress already.
Last night, I’m talking to Liz and ask if I’m overthinking Sam’s text. She tells me no and that I should ask for a picture of the dress.
I didn’t want to because I trust my friend, and there’s no way she meant anything other than she has the right dress. Right? I texted her anyway saying something along the lines of having seen everyone else’s dress but not hers and asked her to send a picture.
Her response was “cause I already have a maroon dress”. My heart literally dropped. The only thing I could do was respond no, that’s not the right color. Sam texted back confused and insisted I said the dress had to be maroon and chiffon but nothing else.
I have the screenshots showing in December what I asked for with examples from the website. After that it was just repeated versions of her saying she can’t be in the wedding, she’s sorry for ruining everything and messing up, that she’s such a bad friend, and how she can’t afford a dress right now.
From there I stopped answering. I asked for next to nothing from her for my wedding. I didn’t require her to help with anything or come to any of the wedding events (no dress fittings, showers, or bach trip). I just asked this one thing, and she couldn’t do that.
It honestly feels like my wedding day just wasn’t important to her and straight-up disrespectful. Here’s where I may be the jerk. Liz was a bridesmaid in a wedding a few months ago with the same details as mine for bridesmaid dresses. She pulled out the old dress and it matches perfectly to the dress she bought for my wedding.
This dress also happens to perfectly fit another friend of mine (Gabby) who was with us. I now have Gabby taking Sam’s place in the wedding. Sam is still invited to the wedding, but she’s not a bridesmaid anymore and won’t be walking down the aisle.
I feel absolutely horrible and have barely slept tonight, but my fiancé is insisting that I’ve done nothing wrong.
So, am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because Sam was misleading you up to the last minute after you were clear on dress detail, and Sam obviously intended to just show up to your wedding in a non-regulation dress without warning.
I’d like to think there could have been workarounds if Sam had been upfront about her situation early on. But that’s not what Sam did.” fungibleprofessional
Another User Comments:
“I vote NTJ, given that Sam herself said that she can’t be in the wedding.
It sounds like she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid in an off-color dress, so she stepped down and you filled the slot. I do wonder if it would have been worth checking the color of the maroon dress. Some maroons are very close to burgundy, and a wedding photographer could probably tweak the color in post. However, I did check out the website you asked everyone to order from… And their burgundy chiffon looks really consistent across designs.
So even a close maroon would probably be noticeably different in person. (I was in a bridal party where we were just told to get a “blue” dress. We found out on the day that 3/4 of us had periwinkle blue dresses, and the other bridesmaid had one that was closer to sea glass.
She was HORRIFIED, and so stressed that she would stand out and look odd… But the bride just put some extra bling on her, shuffled the order, and suddenly she was the maid of honor. It was a really sweet solution.)” Tattedtail
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, Sam’s response is really not okay. Even if there was an appropriate dress for her, would you really want her to stand for you after how she handled this? Something similar happened to a friend of mine for her wedding. She had two MOHs and one of them dropped out the week before.
She had texted the bride asking her to hang out (the week before her wedding). The bride said she couldn’t at that time because she had an appointment. MOH asked her the next day how the doctor’s visit went and the bride responded that it wasn’t a doctor’s appointment it was for a wax.
MOH goes nuclear, claiming she’d been lied to and asking if she should even bother coming to the wedding. It was totally out of left field for the bride but the MOH was clearly looking for a reason to get mad and get out of the wedding.
It sounds like Sam was doing the same thing. She needed to find a way to make a drama about something other than the fact that she didn’t want to be in the wedding. We think that she was hurt that she wasn’t the only MOH but we don’t really know because she cut the bride off after that.
And I can confirm, she was a very chill bride. This MOH was really unhelpful with stuff like the bachelorette and wedding shower (both of which were primarily organized by the bride’s sister and other MOH because problem MOH was unreliable). I don’t know what it is about weddings that bring the crazy out in people!” Prestigious_One7248
5. AITJ For Addressing A Student's Mother By Name?
“I am a teacher and I have a tough parent this year. This parent has been fine until recently when I called her by her first name after I was told that she wished to be addressed in all communication. I personally don’t use Ms. Mrs. Or Mr. Unless I know for sure what one they go by.
She has said Ms. And Mrs. before interchangeably so I decided her first name was a safe option at that time because I was just told she wanted to be addressed on emails. She got mad and contacted my supervisor’s supervisor. After that, she said parent or Ms. is an okay way to address her.
Today I sent out an email to all of my students starting with “Parents and Guardians of (insert student name here)” as I am not going to assume all of my students live with their mom and or dad, and she blew up on me and on my supervisor who called her to talk with her about things.
All because she is not a guardian she is the parent. So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can’t imagine being so bored with my life to the point where I’d get angry when someone used my first name in a freaking email.
Don’t people have bigger problems? If anything she should’ve been direct with you and said “hey I prefer to be addressed as such and such instead”. She went out of her way to create drama for no reason.” Shes_Wicked
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – The parent is unreasonable. If she’s too stupid to understand that the phrase “parents and guardians” applies to multiple people and not just her you’re not going to get anywhere with her. Make sure to CC your admin on all communication with her moving forward.” HotSalt3
Another User Comments:
“Teacher here. You won’t win this one. On a side note, with my kids when progress reports or something are given to the kids to take home, I tell them to give it to their grown-up at home. They could be in a group home, living with grandma, a cousin, a parent, so this is easiest. In written communication with the grown-ups at home, I always say parent or guardian.
Wait. Was she mad about the CONJUNCTION you were using???? Argh. I’m ripping my hair out for you. NTJ.” GoGetSilverBalls
4. AITJ For Not Fighting To Get My Daughter Into The School Talent Show?
“My daughter is in third grade and she tried out for the talent show. It is the end of the year show. In short, she didn’t get in. The school is too big and if they let everyone in, everyone would be there for hours.
She was very upset about it and had been crying.
My wife wants me to fight the school and get her into the talent show. I told her no and this started an argument. I think it’s good for kids to face failure and she thinks I am heartless.
I told her she can do what she wants but I will not back her up on this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My wife is an elementary music teacher and runs the talent show. She sat down early to plan and set out x number of slots for performers and created a panel of judges to score the kids.
That panel then made the selections based on the score. She got so many emails from parents upset their kid didn’t make it, wanting exceptions made because their kid is “special” or was just upset. Several said they were going to go to the school board or district office to complain because it wasn’t inclusive.
You know what the outcome is? She’s probably not going to do a talent show anymore and now everyone loses. So forget all of the parents who think their kid should get special treatment. The world is merit-based, let your kids understand adversity and disappointment so they will strive to improve themselves.
Support them in those efforts to improve and better themselves and teach them to handle the rejection with grace. Anything else isn’t doing them any favors. And by the way, our own daughter tried out and didn’t make it. She was upset but we helped her understand and vowed to practice and work harder at it.” gthrift
Another User Comments:
“Former cheer coach here, THANK YOU. Some parents will never understand that sometimes your kid isn’t good enough and they need to put more effort into their craft. I was literally almost fired because I told a kid and her parents during camp that she needed to practice and stretch at home.
Apparently, it wasn’t my place. When the OUTSIDE judges scored her low on jumps they asked me why she did so poorly. NTJ.” Whorible_wife69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Just went through this with a 3rd grader. Everyone could try out, but only 3 kids from both 3rd classes would be selected for the talent show due to time constraints.
For me, how I handle kids’ feelings is always by giving them individual attention (empathy) and being mindful of individual personalities. I didn’t start with telling her what you said, I started with just being there with her in one of her favorite parks and letting her share.
My kid isn’t much of a talker, so swings and keeping the conversation brief was what she needed. If your kid is a talker let her vent first before offering advice. My older kid is a talker. She has to get it ALL out sometimes multiple times before she can dust herself off and even hear anything I say about trying again.
She also responds to music, so I sometimes find a song that matches the situation, which my 3rd grader hates.
For the 3rd grader, I praised her for her effort, and did my own goofy embarrassing dance to help her laugh a little while she processed. She likes cuddles on her terms only, silly pratfalls, animal cuddles, and art where she gets to destroy and recreate stuff.
She didn’t get into comp dance earlier this year, so I think the experience helped her understand you lose some you win some. After she’s processed a bit more, I can get to the lesson, but like you, I wouldn’t deny her the experience of learning to grow.
If your wife is still having problems with empathy sans fixing everything, you can share the research on Growth Mindset. It can get a bit hokey, but boils down to feeling your feelings and learning what you can from mistakes.” Randomstopwhy
3. AITJ For Kicking My Son Out After He Lied About His College Acceptance?
“I (40M) have a son (18M) who was accepted to college. I was very happy because I didn’t have that opportunity. I dropped out of school to help my family of 8 siblings. Today, I work in a managerial position without a diploma.
When my son got accepted, I asked him to gather the necessary documents for his college registration.
Since I’m not tech-savvy, I asked an employee to help with the registration. My son kept making excuses about the documents, saying some could only be obtained online.
On the last day for registration, he gave me the documents, but the college website wouldn’t accept the login credentials.
I tried calling him, but he didn’t answer. When I got home, he confessed he hadn’t been accepted and had lied to me out of fear. I felt deeply disappointed. I had been telling everyone about his acceptance and working overtime to buy him a car as a gift. In anger, I told him he was a disappointment, which I regret.
The next day, I wanted to apologize and discuss his future options, but he was out with friends. I used our shared computer and found a conversation where he and his friends insulted me and called his friends his “real family.” It seemed like he left the computer on for me to see.
When he got home, I yelled at him and told him he had until the end of the year to get a job and move out. He cried, saying I was overreacting, but I stood firm.
Now, his grandparents are urging me to change my mind, but I feel justified. I’ve always tried to be a good father, and this betrayal hurts deeply.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You might want to ask yourself why he was afraid to share his not being accepted with you. Calling him a disappointment only piled more of that feeling on him. You read a private conversation and didn’t like what you saw.
That’s on you. You shouldn’t have read it. Kids mouth off to friends all the time. Just like adults so. You may have found awful things said to others, but you said awful things straight to his face.” simplylisa
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. With your first reaction being to tell him he was a disappointment it becomes pretty clear why he was afraid to tell you the truth.
In other words, you’ve managed to raise him in such a way that he’s afraid to share with you when something goes wrong or when he achieves a bad result in something, so this is likely in line with how you usually respond to such things to begin with.
I wouldn’t even be surprised if the things he told his friends were eventually caused by your behavior towards him as well. You then telling him he effectively has until the end of the year before you abandon him just compounds your earlier mistakes. You really like doubling down on your mistakes don’t you?” Corodix
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Now is not the time to abandon your kid. Take the high road. Eat your feelings. A critical part of adolescence is distancing yourself from your nuclear family. He will come back when he gets a little older. This is not the end of the world.
It’s time to take two years at a JC before transferring to a four-year university. He didn’t get accepted to a single university. He still has cards to play and his future is in no way limited by this outcome. Let me give you some real-life examples: My friend moved to the US, married, and then divorced young.
She worked for a defense contractor while attending community college. She then transferred to UC Berkeley where she earned a bachelor’s in STEM. She went on to earn her PhD at MIT. My other buddy was always a smart guy but his aptitude flew under the radar.
In high school, the counselors and teachers pigeonholed him into a non-college prep track (think consumer math and remedial English.) He went to a community college and then transferred to UC San Diego where he earned a bachelor’s in computer engineering. Now is the time that your kid needs your support.
Let go of the resentment. Help him navigate this time. Show him what kind of parent you are. He’s got this because you’ve got this.” Kolob619
2. AITJ For Being Annoyed That My Wife Used My Birthday Gift Cards For Household Items?
“I recently celebrated my birthday, and a large portion of my gifts were, by request, Amazon gift cards. I added the balance of each card to our account and ordered an item, and had some funds left over. Today I went to order a few more items only to discover that my gift card balance was $0.00.
I was confused and surprised, and at first thought something had gone wrong. Maybe I ordered more than I meant to with my first purchase…and then I remembered my wife had placed an order for some items for our kids the day before. I checked the order details and sure enough, she used the remainder of my gift cards on those items. It was everyday stuff like mouthwash, toothpaste, deodorant, etc.
I asked her if she realized she had used my gift cards for this purchase and she said yes and that “we might as well, better than paying out of pocket.” I expressed annoyance since that money was for my use and not to use towards everyday items, to which she replied “So just buy what you want and pay out of pocket, it’ll all come out even.” I understand…if she hadn’t used the gift cards we would have paid for those items out of pocket and we’ll end up spending the same amount anyway.
Yet something still bothered me about it, mostly because she used the money without informing me, leading to my momentary confusion when I went to place an order. It also just seems somewhat rude to use someone’s birthday money for everyday things, especially without telling them first.
I wasn’t angry, just mildly annoyed and I asked her, in the future, to not use my gift cards for her own orders. It’s simple enough to uncheck the box that says “use gift card balance” and if, as she says, it doesn’t matter in the end, then just don’t use the gift cards.
Call it irrational or illogical but when I buy something I want but don’t exactly need (some aesthetic upgrades for my PC in this case) I feel way more guilty about buying them when it’s coming out of pocket versus being covered by a gift card.
Again, I realize that it’s six of one, half a dozen of the other but mentally it just feels different, and now I feel less inclined to spend the money. I’m the one in the family who always watches our budget and manages the money, so my frugal side is saying to let the gift card cover the stuff we need and skip the stuff I want but at the same time, I know that’s not fair.
Meanwhile, my wife is now angry with me for “whining” and “making a big deal out of nothing” when I simply expressed some mild annoyance and asked that I be allowed to use my own money in the future. She’s now talking about opening her own bank account and never ordering from Amazon again to avoid this, which A.
wouldn’t solve anything because a separate bank account has nothing to do with Amazon orders (we use an Amazon credit card) and she obviously doesn’t need to stop ordering altogether…just simply don’t use someone else’s gift cards going forward.
Am I really being unreasonable by making this request?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, she wasn’t keeping you from spending the amount you had in birthday money. In fact, by using the cards for family things, she opened up your ability to buy what you wanted. The equivalent cash from your bank account can be spent anywhere, after all.
Basically, your shared household account bought the gift cards off you and now you can buy what you want. It’s not like she used something irreplaceable or even unique, it’s just another way for people to give money as a gift.” ExtraplanetJanet
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. If she knew this was important to you, then yeah, she was the jerk for using “your” gift cards. On the other hand, if you’d gotten the amounts in cash, she went to the store and needed it to buy those things for the house/family, would you have thought anything about it if she got the cash off the dresser?
Especially if you went to spend it later and there is no objection to using other cash that might be available, regardless of the source? Quit whining, go get whatever it was you wanted (or buy another Amazon gift card and don’t put it on the account yet), and let it go.
Money is fungible, meaning that one dollar is the equivalent of another. Gift cards are simply another way of storing money and there is nothing unique about the amount. $159.00 is $159.00 and it buys the same thing. Becoming emotionally invested in whether it is “your” gift card or something else is simply not rational. This is an accounting function, not a hill to die on.
Reading your comments, though, you have bigger problems than this and the new account she wants to open is in preparation for her departure.” Tarik861
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I’d do the exact same thing as your wife, “Might as well clean up this balance”.
Then I’d expect you to just buy your stuff later. It’s all the same money. No matter how you feel about the symbolism, it IS all the same money. Your wife is running a household and doesn’t need to be responsible to gatekeep your weird guilt about spending the amount you were given for your birthday.
Also, don’t you guys talk? Like you talk about what you’re buying with your birthday $? You talk about how there’s an extra balance left while you go measure stuff, please don’t use it? You talk about how you’ll get back to the balance in a few days to finish your order?
If you talked to her, she wouldn’t have to read your mind.” Strong_Letter_7667
1. AITJ For Surprising My Husband On His Birthday Despite His Dislike For Surprises?
“My (F31) husband just turned 32. I planned a spa treatment for him and a fun activity with our group of friends. I booked his calendar but didn’t mention what it was.
When he saw the invite, he said I don’t want surprises, what are we doing? I said I’m taking him to a spa then we have an activity with our group. I didn’t mention what the activity would be because it’s very original and we’ve never done something like that.
It was a trivia game activity in a real-like game show setting, I also personalized name tags for everyone with fun nicknames, and I also paid extra to have personalized questions about him as part of the game. I didn’t want to spoil it and wanted to have a reveal on the day of.
He didn’t insist on knowing the activity.
On the day of, like 3 hours before, he asked again and mentioned “I don’t want surprises.” I told him there is no surprise in the sense that you know who is coming and you know that it will be a group activity.
He said he doesn’t want a surprise and he wants to know. It was not out of impatience or curiosity, it was out of “I don’t want to be surprised and it doesn’t matter to me I will still enjoy it just the same” but in a pressing and annoyed manner.
I ended up crying because I’ve put a lot of effort into this and he just decided to insist a few hours before not the first time I mentioned the activity. I told him everything and we had a fight about it. He says it seems like I’m making it about me.
AITJ for insisting to surprise him and he doesn’t care?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know what your husband’s situation is, there’s plenty of reasons people don’t like surprises. I have anxiety. I both love and hate surprises. Luckily my husband knows me well enough not to plan any surprise without explicit acknowledgement from me that is something I want.
Your husband was right. You made his birthday about your need to surprise him instead of his need to know what he was getting into. Telling him what you planned would in no way have diminished your efforts, but it would have helped to put his mind at ease.
Instead, you placed your need to surprise him first which made him uncomfortable and grouchy and then you blamed him for ruining things when it was your own stubbornness and fragile ego that caused a fight that never needed to happen. You need to learn to listen to others and put them above yourself when it comes to their own birthday and if someone says they don’t want surprises, just tell them what’s going on.
YTJ.” slayerchick
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I know you mean well, but take this from someone who also hates surprises… if he wants to know what it is, then let him know what the surprise is. I have a severe anxiety disorder so not knowing what’s going on in my life triggers my anxiety significantly.
I also have physical health conditions, which require knowledge of day-to-day activities so I know how much energy I will need to use for that day and also what suitable clothing and shoes I need to wear (so I need to prepare in the days building up to it as to how much rest I need beforehand).
For someone like me, being subjected to unknowns such as surprises can be traumatic and I told my husband when we got together that the only surprise I’m going to let him do to me will be as, how and when he proposes to me.
He thankfully respected that and his proposal was beautiful. Knowing what someone has planned doesn’t make the event any less special just because the recipient knows what the plans are. On the contrary – it allows the recipient to look forward to the plans more so, allows them to dress suitably for the occasion, and lets them become more excited if it is something they particularly enjoy.
The whole point of surprising someone is because you do something you feel they may enjoy so if they want to be clued in as part of their anticipatory joy, then let them know the plans. Especially if they are requesting the answer multiple times.” majesticjewnicorn
Metaspoon Slow or Crashing?
If Metaspoon is causing your browser to crash or run slowly, please try viewing the article in Lite Mode and it should run more smoothly!