People Rationalize Any Wrongdoing In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Not Attending My Sister's Party Because My Ex-Wife Was Invited?
“I (25M) have recently divorced my ex-wife. We didn’t end it on good terms. One thing about my ex-wife is that she acts way too kind and nice in front of others and because of that is good friends with almost everyone, including my sister.
She just turned 18 and everyone is coming to her birthday and she said that everyone is coming and that I should come too.
I got suspicious and asked if my ex-wife was coming too. She said yes. I immediately hung up and later explained to everyone how I needed some time away from my ex-wife, and being at a party with her doesn’t help.
Now my family has said that I’m being a whiny brat for not being there for my sister and putting my own selfishness over her. I tried to explain to them about my situation with my ex-wife and they just told me to grow up and not take it so seriously.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Pretty hard to go to a party and play Happy Families when you’re recently divorced and they invite your ex. My spouse’s family is pretty large and situations like this are usually handled by staggering the guests a bit…meaning one ex will come a bit early and leave early and the other ex will arrive a bit late.
That way everyone gets to say hello, no one has to skip the party, but no one has to resist the temptation to pluck anyone’s eyeballs out with a fork. I encourage you to try to find a compromise solution that is a bit better than just dissing your sister’s birthday.
I’ll admit it’s harder to find a compromise when your family is so insensitive.” throwaway20698059
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your ex is displaying the narcissistic tendencies of being nice to everyone else except those closest to them to keep up a facade. I think she has the capacity to run a smear campaign against you and make you look bad.
Best to stay away to avoid giving her ammunition against you. Don’t make any comments about her even to your sister. She is upset you have cut her off so she is doing everything she can to invade your space.” Plane_Practice8184
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your family sure is! Them taking the position of “well she never abused me” as an excuse to keep her in their lives is disgusting. Yeah her actions didn’t touch them but they’re your family and should want to support and protect you, it’s sad they aren’t.
Also, you’re absolutely right to put yourself 1st she had no thought or consideration for you when she made her decision, who is going to think of you if not yourself? If they want to keep her around, or if this is some ploy at playing matchmaker go NC for a while.” rocklandguy324
19. AITJ For Telling My Friend His Ex Was Right About Him Being Boring?
“About six months ago, my friend Peter’s partner dumped him after three years together. They met in college and she moved with him to Austin for work.
She dumped him six months ago because she was, “fed up with the relationship” and didn’t want to spend it with a “boring” guy like Peter.
Peter hasn’t been doing well since then. He was at the brewery with us yesterday when he was complaining about his ex leaving him.
I’ve had to deal with his moping and refusing to get help or turn his life around. So I sort of lost it and snapped, “well, Tina did have a point.
You were really boring. All you ever did was work and play video games. You never took her out to do anything fun, and she hated it here.”
Maybe that wasn’t the right answer because Peter stormed off. Our friends think I was being too harsh on him.
But I think he needs some tough love and see where he screwed up. Tina gave him a reason why and he won’t see it.
So, am I really the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if your observation was accurate. A lot of people see their SOs as things that exist for their own convenience and not people with their own wants, desires, etc., and take them for granted. (And I hate to say this, but although both sexes can do this media directed at young men almost encourages the attitude; it teaches men to see women as things to use.) That said, I don’t know how much it will help, or whether he’ll get over his butthurt and stay being your friend.
You were right, but sometimes being right carries its own punishments.” Basic_Bichette
Another User Comments:
“You are definitely NTJ. Your friend is not getting it and someone has to tell him. He was neglecting his GF and she told him as much but he chose to ignore it, then act like he was blindsided when she finally left. I’m fairly introverted too, so is my BF.
We’ve been together just over a year and have talked about moving in together but we both like our solitude. We don’t get to spend time together as much as we’d like due to him traveling a lot for work, and me working night shifts.
But if either of us says “hey I want to see you today”, or “I need some you time”, we make it work. That’s literally a huge part of what makes any relationship work, paying attention to the needs of your SO. My guess is that if he’d made any kind of effort, even a movie night on the couch with her favorite takeout, things would be different.” Alarming-Ad9441
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, dude is mourning a bad break up & your response is that his ex is right he is boring? Of course that makes you the jerk. The reason Tina gave him was that she was fed up with the relationship and found your friend boring.
Doesn’t have anything to do with her disliking where they lived or whether or not he took her out to do anything fun. Sounds like they just have different ideas of fun. I don’t think that makes him boring but just them incompatible.
Peter could go out with someone else who likes video games but that wouldn’t make his new relationship boring.” ThisisstupidAFpeople
18. AITJ For Allowing My New Partner Around My Son Despite My Ex's Disapproval?
“I’m 22, my partner is 22, and my son is 6. I think his mom and I made a real effort to make things work but we just couldn’t make it work and we decided it was best to split custody.
I’ve been seeing my partner for about 8 months now and she’s just started coming around my son. He likes her, she likes him, he thinks she’s fun, she thinks he’s adorable.
What my ex doesn’t like is that now, every time she asks him if he had fun with Dad, he immediately tells her how much fun my current partner is.
She’s taken to the point where she’s called me time and again, telling me that I’m not allowed to bring my partner around him. I asked on what grounds was this not allowed, but, all she had was telling me it made her angry. She thinks I’m the jerk for continuing to let my partner be around our son and she thinks I’m only doing it to spite her.
I told her that isn’t the case. I let her be around my son and me because he again, thinks she’s fun, and I’m really smitten with her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. This is a delicate one, but it boils down to how it affects your kid.
If you are constantly bringing women around, who then leave and your kid is brokenhearted, then you would be the jerk. Bringing around someone when you want to make that next step of bringing them into your family isn’t a jerk move. Your ex is fine to be concerned to the point it affects your kid together, but it sounds like there are a lot of other emotions there too that she needs to process on her own instead of placing rules on you.
It’s a jerk move for her to place these rules on you, IMO.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Info: Did you give Ex a heads up that you would be introducing your partner to your son? I’m not trying to say that it’s a requirement and as a dad you certainly have just as much right to spend your time with your son however you want to, however, I don’t agree with half the comments practically slagging your ex off.
Assuming your ex is the same age as you (22), you had your son pretty young (which isn’t a negative thing) but anyone can see here that your ex is clearly just hurt that her (only?) son is coming back and telling her all about how fun this new woman is and not about the time with dad.
Surely you can see how this might be upsetting? Just telling her oh it’s fine without Mum actually meeting her isn’t a whole lot convincing especially when to her it probs seems like she’s doing all the mean strict mom work and her son is having all this fun with some random lady she hasn’t met.
I don’t think anyone is the jerk here but there’s deffo some more communication needed between you all.” Miserable-Fee-2641
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – INFO: how long have you and your ex been apart? And what LEGALLY are the parameters that are set up?
The boy’s mom does have a say in who her son spends time with, but you are certainly allowed to move on with your life. This is where you need to check your official custody agreement. Obviously, your ex thinks that she’s being replaced. I’d think a lot of her anger is actually ‘hurt’ because she’s the one doing the tough, everyday mom stuff, she’s the one who has to say no, and make him go to bed, make him take a bath, etc. She can’t be ‘fun’ all the time, then here’s this new girl whose only job is to be fun!
Your ex needs to know that she’s always going to be the mom, and having fun with somebody for a couple of hours is not a replacement for the ex’s devotion. Look at it from her POV – if she was getting serious with a new man and your son kept talking about how great Jim was after every visit, would it bother you?
In a perfect world – the more responsible, caring, adults a kid has in their life the better.” CarrieCat62
17. AITJ For Calling My Fiancé Sexist After Buying Multiple Dresses With His Card?
“My future sister-in-law is getting married soon. It’s going to be a huge event and the women in my fiancé’s family always look stunning. I admittedly have been stressing about what to wear so I did something I don’t normally do. I ordered 5 dresses from this designer whose work I’ve always loved but have never been confident enough to wear or felt like I never had the right event for one of her dresses.
When he saw all 5 dresses, he made a comment about how he had been right about women enjoying shopping with his card and told me I could stop pretending to hate shopping now and that he was glad I bought things I liked. I told him he was being sexist which he denied and was upset by.
This led to an argument where he said he feels like I proved him right by buying 5 dresses instead of 1. He pointed out I only needed 1 dress for the wedding and the other 4 were just because I wanted to buy them. I called him sexist a second time and now he’s upset with me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. As a married female, I’m upset with your attitude, also. Your fiancé was making a light-hearted joke. Maybe there was more intent behind it that isn’t explicit here, but your reaction is overly sensitive and probably misguided. You actually sound like an entitled, projecting, emotional bully.
After all, if you’re using his credit card to buy these dresses, maybe you’re feeling a little insecure about your own independence.” New-Acanthisitta-998
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It was his money, his card, so you decided to buy 5 dresses. The man literally said that he was glad you bought things you liked, and you called him a sexist. Classy move.
Then, when he really drills down to the fact that you only needed that one dress after you decided to take him to task on how you spend his money, you again call him a sexist. Classy move. The man has a legitimate gripe with you.
I strongly suggest that you talk with him instead of strangers on the internet.” canchanchan386
Another User Comments:
“I have to agree, we need a little more context to assess the situation. Did you get 5 dresses to pick the one that fit the best for the event and were expecting to return the rest?
Or were you planning on wearing all 5? Did you buy them just because you liked them and plan to wear them for future events? That’s ok, but he may be feeling taken advantage of – this is something I’ve done in the past and I regret it.
It might have been something to discuss with him beforehand. Especially if those purchases were very pricey. You mentioned it’s going to be a big event. So, I’m surmising that maybe you got them all to wear at your future SIL’s wedding?
Some would find that a bit extra, but if that’s the norm for this family you’re going into, fine. Please clarify. Also, I do think your fiancé was being a smidge sexist with the “women enjoying shopping on his card and the bit on you pretending to hate shopping” but mostly passive-aggressive about maybe feeling like he’s been taken advantage of.
I don’t know, sounds like he has some unresolved issues with feeling like he’s been taken advantage of in the past that he may need to work on.” ittybittyqtpi
16. AITJ For Wanting To Leave My Home To My Youngest Daughter's Child?
“My husband and I have two daughters. Both each have one child. My oldest is married to a guy who will inherit three pieces of property (all homes).
Their daughter will inherit also as the only grandchild on her dad’s side. My youngest daughter is married to a guy (I adore him) who still has to support his disabled parents and will inherit nothing. My husband and I are considering leaving our home and land to her daughter.
All financials and property will be split down the middle. My home is older, but it’s paid for.
Would I be the jerk to leave my little bit of property to my youngest for her daughter to have a home that is paid for, like my other granddaughter will?
I’ve spoken to my adult daughters and their spouses and they’re totally fine with it. But my friend says I’m a jerk for considering it. I’m torn. Please. No harsh comments. Both girls already have college paid for. So this is simply to make sure she inherits a home.
Am I really a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I suggest thinking through all scenarios. There’s no guarantee they will inherit anything. For all you know, his parents might leave it to someone else, Or before or after you die he and your daughter could divorce, he remarries and leaves it all to his new wife.
Also, it’s not clear what you’re planning exactly, you talk about giving it all to one of them but then you say the property will be “split down the middle”. Also not clear if you will leave it all to your daughter (leaving her to decide whether to give it to your granddaughter), or directly to your granddaughter.
If the latter then quite likely the other granddaughter would only inherit much later in life, probably once she’s already way beyond the time of life where it would be useful. In the meantime, there may be great resentment, as one of them would have to work for a home and the other one wouldn’t.
So you’d be thinking you’re helping but actually causing problems too. Not saying you shouldn’t do it, just be very analytical about it and play out multiple scenarios, you could even write down your thought process with instructions on what to do if certain things play out differently.” jibbetygibbet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your assets, including your real property, are yours to do with however you wish upon your death. It’s not only perfectly normal to provide for one child who needs a little extra at the expense of one who does not, it’s frequently done.
At the end of the day, you don’t have to tell anyone that you’re doing this, and once you’re passed on it won’t matter whether or not you’re a jerk because you will be past caring. Ultimately you can’t control how your children or your grandchildren view you after your death, you can only hope and trust that the love you’ve shown them both during your lifetime will be what they remember as opposed to a posthumous bequest.” FrnchsLwyr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not doing it for petty reasons. You’re splitting everything else evenly. You’re literally just giving your one granddaughter a little extra (in the grand scheme of things) because you want to see her comfortable like your other granddaughter is/will be.
Additionally, you’ve communicated so that there’s both no surprise and your family understands your intent (rather than just being left to assume she was your favorite the whole time, regardless of the truth). You’ve also stated they have no problem with it! Please don’t listen to your friends.” blueyedreamer
15. AITJ For Using The Bachelorette Party Venmo Fund To Cover Everyone's Expenses?
“I was the MOH for my best friend. I created a custom Venmo account for people to send money to titled “_____ last fling!” The bridesmaids posted it to our social media accounts and plenty of people were sending in money to buy the bride a shot etc. Prior to this, we all pitched in $20 for the bride as a fund to use to pay for her drinks that weekend.
The honey fund totaled to $160. The Venmo fund received about $500 dollars which was a lot more than we ever anticipated – I used those funds to cover everyone’s drinks, including food that we ordered that night, and money back for décor and other necessities we had spent besides the actual Airbnb.
I did ask her briefly if it was okay to use the Venmo money for the weekend and when we go out. She replied, “yeah that’s fine we can use that”. At the end of the weekend, I gave her the $160 that we had collected since the $500 covered all of our drinks and food.
She reached out to me a couple of days later and expressed that she was upset she didn’t receive any of the Venmo fund. I felt bad but also kind of thought that was selfish of her to expect anything from it. I had previously mentioned using the money for everyone that weekend so that we all saved money.
She said that she understood it was nice to think of everyone, but it would have been nice to get some of the money. To add, I also entered her into a restaurant giveaway for $500 worth of catered food. It was Panini Kabob Grill so it was delicious.
And she was able to use that to cover all food costs for her bridal shower.
After all we did, the planning, buying, etc. it just left a sour taste in my mouth that she made the money a big deal considering it wasn’t expected in the first place.
But I have to wonder AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Let me get this straight, the bride was upset that she didn’t get any of the money put into the Bachelorette party fund? The fund that would be used to cover the expenses of the party?
WTH? It wasn’t called the “bride’s gift fund”. You had something separate from that. Sounds like your friend is greedy. Wait until she starts complaining about the wedding gifts… NTJ.” mdthomas
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You guys spent a lot of money celebrating her engagement, why on earth would she expect you to just give her money alongside that?
It costs an individual so much to be involved in a wedding these days, I’m just baffled as to why she would have thought you’d be giving her $500 on top of the party, what was her reasoning?” Dear_Tell2889
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The way this is written confuses me a bit, but what I understand is that you collected this money for the party.
Then after raising more than expected, you had leftover money that you used to defray other costs. The bride realized that there was more money than needed for the party, so she wanted the leftover money. Then you told her that money was used up by reimbursing people who helped with the party.
In essence then, she wants her ‘cut’ of the money like she’s a crime boss. GREED in all its glory.” disruptionisbliss
14. AITJ For Agreeing To Watch My Friend's Dog At Her Dinner Party?
“I (22M) have been trying to move past some tension with my friend Emma (23F) after a disagreement a few months ago involving her dog, Buddy, a high-energy Husky.
For context, she asked me to dog-sit for two weeks, but I declined because Buddy stressed out my cat, Mittens, and it just wasn’t a good time. She was upset, but we’ve slowly been patching things up.
Recently, Emma invited me to her apartment for a “casual dinner party” with a few mutual friends.
I thought it was a nice way to reconnect, so I agreed. When I arrived, everything seemed normal—until Emma asked if I could do her a “quick favor” in the middle of the party. She needed to run out to pick up dessert and casually asked if I could watch Buddy while she was gone.
I was caught off guard. Watching Buddy was the whole reason we’d had issues in the first place! I hesitated but eventually said okay, figuring it would only be for 20 minutes or so. Emma left, and for a while, things were fine. Buddy seemed calm, and I thought, “Maybe I was overthinking this.”
Then disaster struck. One of the guests left the door to the balcony slightly ajar, and before anyone noticed, Buddy bolted outside. My heart stopped when I realized what had happened. We were on the fourth floor of Emma’s building, and Buddy was dangerously close to the edge of the railing.
I immediately sprang into action, trying to coax him back inside, but Buddy thought it was a game. He ran circles around the balcony, barking and wagging his tail, completely oblivious to the danger. Eventually, I managed to grab him and bring him inside, but not before he knocked over several potted plants, one of which fell over the edge and shattered on the sidewalk below.
Emma came back shortly after, and when I told her what happened, she lost it. She said I should have been more careful and that Buddy wouldn’t have gotten outside if I had been paying closer attention. I reminded her that I never wanted to watch Buddy in the first place and only agreed because she asked at the last minute.
She called me irresponsible and said I had no business blaming her for something that happened while I was in charge. I left the party early, feeling shaken and confused. Now I’m wondering if I really should have handled things differently.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You are not the jerk. She asked you to watch Buddy so that she could give you grief later for worrying so much. She thought that it would go well, and then she would be in the right. But instead, it completely backfired. And then, in order to save face, she hurls accusations at you so you wouldn’t have time to notice that you had been right the whole time about the dog.
For the record, I have a friend whose dog jumped off a balcony and broke its back. It was horrible. I really think that there was no winning in this scenario. Either you were going to do a good job with the dog, and then that proves that you overreacted earlier, or you mess up with the dog and she gets to be mad at you.
Either way, she gets to be mad at you. Also, I don’t like the fact that she was mad at you for rejecting her request in the first place. That’s not normal.
Usually, when friends ask for a favor and are told no, they say thank you anyway and they move on.
That’s how healthy people approach a favor. Emma sounds like somebody who likes to get her way, and punishes people when she doesn’t get her way. She clearly feels entitled to your time and energy, and does not like it when she cannot control you.
When she gets mad at you for no reason, she puts you in a position of having to say you are sorry, and try to win her favor again. See how that works? That way, she is always in control, and she has the power, and you are constantly in a deficit and trying to get back into her good graces.
Can you tell that I have known some people like this?
The good news is, I have a solution for you! You have to not care about when she is upset, and you have to make it clear that you are fine whether or not she is happy.
That’s how you deal with people like that. They think that they can make you upset by being upset. But if that doesn’t work, and you keep your cool, and you shrug and wish her luck, and don’t apologize, You win. Because that way, you are the one in control of you.
Emma is giving you a great opportunity to practice this foolproof method that I have successfully developed over years of dealing with women like Emma.” FindAriadne
Another User Comments:
“Ok… who in the world has a husky in an apartment? They’re working dogs. He’s not a bad dog, he’s bored out of his tiny mind.
Normally I’m not a person to suggest rehoming but Emma’s got to get her head out of her rear and get appropriate accommodation for a high-energy dog. Or that sweet boy should go to a trusted relative with a massive property. My kiddo is 10 and he says he wants a husky.
I said when he runs 5km/3 miles every day he can have one. Until then he can play with our little Pomeranians who go for a walk to the park a couple of times a week. It’s like people don’t think when getting a dog.
Live in an apartment? Get a corgi/pom/Boston etc. Live on a big property? Get a lab/golden etc. Live on a big property AND really active? Get a husky/boxer/border collie. Live in an apartment AND are never at home? Get a cactus.” Substantial_Ad_2033
Another User Comments:
“The plant pot is the most worrying thing here. Emma sounds extremely irresponsible. Any item on an upper-floor balcony should either be secured or placed well below the height of the rail so that it is impossible for it to be knocked off onto the street below.
Question: if someone was killed by a falling plant pot, would the dog/balcony owner be charged with manslaughter, or would the adult who was present be charged?” Lagoon13579
13. AITJ For Not Inviting My Step-Cousins To My Wedding Reception?
“I am getting married to my fiancee next year. We have never wanted a big wedding but my side of the family is 3 times the size of hers. We have always said that we are happy for more people to come to the reception than the ceremony.
As we were going through the list we decided to invite my step-cousins to the reception instead of the ceremony. When we looked over the final numbers there were more people coming to the reception than we wanted, and because my side is much bigger we decided the people we cut should be from my side.
I don’t know my step-cousins very well (they are a fair bit older than me) and knew that if they were invited they probably wouldn’t come anyway so I told my fiancée we could cut them.
This has caused big problems in my family.
My uncle is angry and it’s having a major impact on his health – because I’ve invited his other children who are my cousins he sees it as I am forcing him to pick between his children. My mum is furious at her brother for this – she believes it is none of his business who we invite to our wedding.
I’ve been tempted to invite them just to cause peace but I don’t see why we should.
My uncle and I had a phone call about it a few days ago. I said that we didn’t know them very well and, whilst we still wouldn’t invite them to the wedding, we wanted to get to know them better and hoped he and my aunt could help with that.
He is adamant that I said we want to get to know them better to see if we would feel comfortable having them at the wedding and is angrier than I have ever seen him.
I have nothing against my step cousins but now I’m wondering if I am the jerk with this.
I could have given him a heads up, or just invited them to the reception which I know they probably wouldn’t have gone to anyway (it’s a four-hour drive from where we live).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t please everyone. You even went out of your way to placate your uncle.
That’s enough. Your step-cousins are grown. And they, per your narrative, aren’t likely to come anyway. Your uncle saying this forces him to pick his children needs to face reality. He’s not driving all his children to the wedding, is he? He’s not responsible for his grown children’s social lives.
He’s not RSVPing for them. Yes, while everyone is family, there are those we hold closer to us. And that’s reality. And that’s okay.” Poesy-WordHoard
Another User Comments:
“I never understood why distant relatives would even want to be invited to a wedding. It’s such a disruption to one’s life.
You have to drive far most of the time. Possibly pay for a hotel room overnight, buy an expensive gift or give a large sum of money, buy a new outfit and shoes. Then you have to socialize with a bunch of people you barely know or don’t know at all and watch a ceremony of distant relatives you barely know or don’t know at all!
Sounds like a nightmare to me! I would consider myself lucky to be stricken from the guest list! Signed, Don’t invite me!” Legitimate-March9792
Another User Comments:
“Budget considerations are vital for a wedding. You might want to consider really limiting attendees to the actual ceremony and, by doing so, have more money for a reception.
For example, for the actual ceremony, just have the wedding party and the parents of the bride and groom. For the reception, have finger foods, cakes, non-booze beverages, champagne for a single champagne toast, and a cash bar. Have the ceremony at about 1:00 to 1:30 PM with the reception at 2:30 PM or so.
That way it will probably break up by dinner time. Not everyone has the money to put on a “Hollywood Production Wedding.” And, guess what? That’s fine. Often, today, it seems to me that there is more focus on the wedding than the marriage. And more emphasis on a “vision” incorporating Instagram-worthy photos than the celebration of love, commitment, and union of two families.
Just my opinion. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials and may you have many happy years together.” WildBlue2525Potato
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Buy Gifts For My In-Laws Who Don't Reciprocate?
“My wife and I both love celebrating Christmas and birthdays.
We always buy each other gifts, and we also make sure to get gifts for my two nieces (8 and 2 years old) during Christmas and their birthdays. Additionally, we buy gifts for my sister-in-law (SIL) and mother-in-law (MIL) for their birthdays and Christmas. If we are not able to be there physically (we live a few states away) we will still send ship gifts directly to their house and they will wrap the gifts we got for them.
Here’s where it gets frustrating: they only buy gifts for my wife when we’re not physically there. For example, my birthday was a few months ago, and they didn’t get me anything, but we still sent gifts for both my MIL and SIL on their birthdays.
They’ll even be sure to send texts to my wife about what exactly they want. When we visited them recently, they had birthday gifts for my wife ready, but I got nothing for mine earlier this year. They won’t ship gifts like we do but they’ll give them to her the next time we visit but if my wife isn’t able to be there physically, they will buy the gifts and just give them the next time we visit.
This is not the case with me though. They never get me anything unless we are at their home on Christmas day or on my birthday. This has been the norm for ~4 years
Also, my wife doesn’t have an income, so I’m the one paying for all these gifts.
It’s really starting to bother me that they consistently ignore me unless we’re visiting them in person, yet I’m still expected to buy them gifts regardless of if we are visiting or not.
I told my wife that I don’t want to buy gifts for my MIL and SIL this year—I’ll still get gifts for my nieces, but if she wants to buy her mom and sister gifts, she can use her allowance from now on.
She’s upset with me about this decision, but I just don’t feel like I’m treated as part of the family, and want to stand my ground. I feel bad for my wife because she is just in the middle of all this and it’s not her fault her family does this.
To clarify, it’s not about the gifts themselves—I don’t care what I get—but the lack of thought or acknowledgment makes me feel excluded.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Having your wife give out of her allowance is her giving a gift from her to her family.
Giving a gift out of the family budget is you both giving gifts to her family. I understand the “allowance thing”. We have personal money we can spend any way we individually want without needing permission or input from the other person. If they aren’t giving you gifts, you don’t need to give them anything at all.
My SIL (husband’s sister) doesn’t give us anything for Christmas unless we are together which has been maybe 2 times in 30 years. I used to go all out, but when I got the lay of the land, I realized it wasn’t necessary. We didn’t even get a thank you or acknowledgment.
No, no. When I do Christmas with my sister and husband, I buy them both gifts but give my sister an extra gift. It would be weird not to pass along a gift when I know he may have contributed financially to the gifts. She does the same for me.
I think it’s poor etiquette on their part.” lilolememe
Another User Comments:
“There is nothing wrong with an allowance for each partner. It is a way to help make sure that the money needed for future bills is not spent and therefore is available when those bills are due.
I’m thinking of auto insurance that may be paid once every six months or once a year. The money sitting in the bank account isn’t really money available to be spent. An allowance helps maintain a budget without having to account for what you spend money on that one partner thinks is important and the other thinks is a waste of money.” Agreeable-Region-310
Another User Comments:
“I feel so sorry for you; you have got some REAL problems!!! Here I was, thinking it was me with my mom’s aggressive cancer, my medical bills, or Tim, the homeless gentleman in my town who is sleeping in a tent tonight at 18°F with 14 mph winds, who had reasons to be down, but I now see how foolish I have been when it is you who isn’t getting presents.
Do you understand the concept of a present? It’s not an obligation. It is a literal GIFT. Aside from that, I don’t think men get a lot of gifts in general; it is women who shop for gifts, give and receive them. You also say that your wife’s family ignores you, but don’t explain if you mean that literally or figuratively.
If they ignore you literally, then why are you bringing up the issue of presents? If you mean they ignore you by not giving you a present, then let me give you the address of the shelter I help out at and I will show you around.” Jamison945
11. AITJ For Not Forgiving My Brother's Partner After She Changed My Stay Plans?
“Almost two years ago I (32, f) was planning to make a visit to my brother’s (22) place, and I told him that I would be staying for 4-5 days or so. But later plans changed and I eventually was forced to stay for a week. My brother lives in a different country, and my parents really wanted me to go there and see him (I wanted to obviously, but the idea was my parents’).
So I told my brother that I would be staying for a week. He said ok, no problem. This was before I bought plane tickets (two months prior to the visit).
I bought tickets the following evening and everything seemed to be fine. The next morning I got a strange text from my brother’s partner saying that she doesn’t want me to stay in their house.
I was very surprised because my brother said it would be ok. She said that she would be fine if I stayed for 4 days, not the whole week. So basically she forbade me to stay at their place. I was very angry and confused about the situation, texted my brother, he said there was nothing he could do about it.
The problem is I didn’t have enough money for a hotel for a whole week in another country (I wouldn’t go if I had to stay in a hotel). And the tickets were non-refundable. I told my mom about it and she was very upset.
My parents ended up giving me the money for the trip (I gave them money back eventually).
So I went to see my brother, we talked, he apologized many times, said that it was somehow his fault. His partner never texted me again, not apologizing for anything.
Anyway, I had a good time and I’ve never mentioned his partner ever again.
A couple of days ago his partner texted me out of the blue, mildly apologizing. After almost two years. They’re gonna move back to our country soon, and I thought she decided to make things clear with me.
My brother said that she was really sorry but the text was really casual and I don’t think she even cares. I don’t know exactly why, but I simply can’t forgive her. Turns out it really bothers me to this day. And I am still holding grudges.
My mom says I have to forgive her for my brother’s sake and be a better person. Should I do it? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Forgiven but not forgotten is a thing, and I think it’s what you need to apply here. Partner might be an unavoidable part of your life in the foreseeable future, and you are going to have to be civil to her: family functions, cultural or civil events, etc. But friendly with her?
Helpful to her? No, you’re not obligated to offer her anything of the sort. Frankly, until there’s an actual discussion and an apology here, there shouldn’t be any effort into a relationship, and you should deny overtures from her. If she asks, be clear but polite.
A casual apology here was sent because she wants it to be forgotten. Screw her. The thing is, there were legitimate reasons for her to decline to host you for a week, but those needed to be clearly stated at the time of the discussion.
“Oh, shoot. A full week? But I’m hosting my own family on the weekend and there isn’t space for you.” “A full week? Your brother has forgotten that we will be leaving on the Thursday because the place is being fumigated and we can’t reschedule.” “But I turn into a werewolf on the full moons and you won’t be safe with us.” But they all needed to be talked about BACK THEN.
Now, full apology and some amends, or nothing.” rockology_adam
Another User Comments:
“Going against the grain here to say YTJ. Sorry, but hear me out. Your brother made a commitment that wasn’t his to make on his own. If partner lived there, she had every right to be involved in the decision to let someone stay for a week.
If she had posted here two years ago with “AITJ my partner said a family member could stay with us for a week and even though it’s a big imposition, didn’t even ask me,” people would have been all over it. Yes, you made plans.
Yes, you assumed it was his decision alone. Yes, the situation was uncomfortable. Yes, you’re probably taking your anger out on the wrong person. Yes, there was probably more to the reason(s) for refusal than your brother told you at the time. Yes, it probably was an imposition for her/them.
But here you are, two years later, a 32yo woman, chalking this up to an unforgivable offense. The person who should have apologized to you … did. Several times.” Thingamajiggles
Another User Comments:
“I think you should take a minute to look at this from the partner’s perspective.
It sounds like your brother agreed to let you stay a week without talking to his partner. It’s her house too. She might be busy with work/school that week, or she could be an introvert with a limited social battery. Everyone in this situation is a jerk but mostly your brother for not confirming plans with the person who he lives with before okaying plans.
You’re a jerk for blaming this solely on his partner. The partner is the least of a jerk. She has just as much of a right to a say in who stays and how long they stay.” MaeWest85
10. AITJ For Not Spending More Time With My Wife's Grandma After Moving In To Ease Her Loneliness?
“Over a year ago my wife lost her grandpa to dementia. Her grandparents had been married for 60 years, and understandably anxiety and nervousness about being alone can torment a person, especially in their time of grief. To help out her grandmother my father-in-law renovated the basement and made it a studio apartment so to speak.
In the time frame of the renovation, family members would stay a night away from their own loved ones and spend it with grandma to ease anxiety and loneliness. My wife and I talked with her grandma about how moving in would go and that yes we would still spend time with her during the week for our weekly dinner and time on the weekend, but we are a young couple we like spending time together.
There are hobbies we have that we want to do and we aren’t moving in to be upstairs with her 24/7, we are there to ease her anxiety about nighttime.
Three months into the renovation a family friend moved in as he was on the split from his partner.
He spent the majority of his time when not working in the living room watching TV with her. Recently he’s gotten back on his feet and has moved into his own place. This is where the problems have started. Since him moving out we have to “pick up his upstairs time”.
My wife reminded her grandma of our agreement upon move-in of the two nights a week upstairs visiting and dinner.
Lately, her grandma has become extremely passive-aggressive towards me and my wife about our hobby and that it’s an extreme waste of time. Now her grandma is saying she’s going to her lawyer and is going to sell the house so she can go back to her home town 2 hours away from where she’s at now and live in a retirement home because we don’t spend enough time with her.
We aren’t the only relatives around. My wife is one of four siblings and her dad, who all visit her once a week and her dad spends three nights a week. While my father-in-law has a sibling who lives in the same town as us and visits once a month if that.
The other two brothers live out of state and have proven that they don’t care about their mother. We pay her grandma’s rent every month and whether we order out or cook dinner we ask if she would like some or leave a helping of it in her fridge for her to eat later.
Are my wife and I the jerks for not spending more time upstairs and causing her grandma to possibly sell her house?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re not the jerk for living your own life and seeing this as renting living space, while visiting grandma on a schedule.
The grandma is also not the jerk for deciding something else will work better for her. She can sell her house and move; she’ll give you notice to move out. Her demands seem unreasonable to you, and are certainly not reasonable for a tenant–but this is a separate, family-based need for time together.
She is more than free to seek it out elsewhere, even if that ends up being inconvenient for you. Be ready to search for a new place to live.” Tangerine_Bouquet
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I lived with my grandma for a couple of years early on in my PhD, for her sake and mine.
Had my own little apartment in her house and paid rent and utilities. Was supposed to be living autonomously and helping out/keeping her company. But found out quickly that I was very much living in her home according to her rules. Meals together were an obligation, having women over was a no-no, and staying out late/getting up late was forbidden lol, and my space was to be kept grandmotherly clean at all times…she’d come in to inspect.
Her grandma is old and stuck in her ways, I’d imagine, and not unreasonably expects to see you and share meals with you daily…because you are living in her home. She likely can’t wrap her head around the fact you are living there but not spending your free time with her.
She’s probably accustomed to different cultural values and the idea, even though she agreed to it, is one she can’t understand. In the end, this is why I moved out. I wouldn’t trade those years with her for anything but I needed my independence.
It was painful for us both to part but in the end, it’s what I needed. Until she moved in with my aunt, I visited her multiple times a week, including the whole day Sunday dinners. It just sounds like you both have different expectations, and no one is at fault.
But you probably need to move out.” dyingslowlyinside
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You give her two days and dinners. That’s awesome and was the original agreement. Not the jerk here. She has a friend move in, things are smooth. He moves out, Grandma is lonely.
She’s older and just lost a friend who watched TV and stuff with her daily. You’re still living in the home and she’s asked for an extra time and you’re upset? Are you not there for friends or family if they’re grieving, emotional or going through something?
Why couldn’t you try doing puzzles or just watching a show or two with her? Just for a little bit to make the transition easier to having nobody again. And YTJ for that and for the fact that you’re upset she wants to sell her home.
Umm it’s her home. If you don’t want to give up an extra day or some time with her (again an hour for a show wouldn’t kill you) then be prepared for her to move to her hometown where she probably has friends and family and knows she won’t have to beg people to acknowledge her.” Recent-Necessary-362
9. AITJ For Wanting My Own Room In My Wife's House?
“I am living in Japan and married to a Japanese woman. We mostly communicate in Japanese. So, maybe language is a problem too?
In April I (38 m) moved in with my now wife (40 f) into her house. While it’s nice, living with her has had its ups and downs.
I’ve come to realize that I really just need my own space.
Our whole house is decorated with her own stuff. But she has a small room that I have been using as a weight room. I was thinking of turning it into my office/study/gaming room.
When I proposed the idea to my wife you can’t imagine how upset she got and cried.
She said I could continue to use the living room but I told her I need a place that is mine to decompress and decorate with my things.
She then said she doesn’t have her own room. But she has every other room in the house! AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“Is the problem decoration of the spaces, or having a place to close the door and be by yourself? If it’s decoration, you can talk about redecorating spaces to make them more comfortable for both of you.
But I think what you’re saying is that you want a room that is just your own, and even though she owns the house, it sounds like she does not have that–having the kitchen or a shared bedroom or bathroom decorated according to her tastes doesn’t give her the kind of privacy that you’re asking for yourself with your proposal. For what it’s worth, if you’ve got the space for it, I’m strongly in favor of both people having their own private retreat.
I can see your point of why you’d like it. I can also see hers, if she only “gets” jointly used space. She’s got another person living in the space that used to be all hers. It’s probably a bit of an adjustment. I think you need to drill down a bit and figure out whether you can both have your own private space, whether you can find a compromise in the house that makes you both comfortable, or whether you need to move out.
Start with figuring out what it means to “have” a room. No jerks here.” EsmeWeatherwax7a
Another User Comments:
“Op. You and I are in a similar situation. I moved into my wife’s condo where she had lived for almost 5yrs before even meeting me.
She was extremely resistant to me having any posters or “my stuff” on the walls at first. What you have to understand is that this has been your wife’s space for so long, she doesn’t really see the house being “dedicated” to her. It’s just her space.
What worked for me was having a calm discussion about how now that I’m in the space, I would feel more comfortable if we could slowly make it *our* space. We started by hanging some Zelda posters in our room. Then, after we started to have more photos of us as a couple, we put them in the frames around the house.
Up until we found out my wife was pregnant with our son, the spare room was designated as a shared office/ room for my computer and gaming. I had to move all that to the garage, but I still have my little corner. Just talk to her.
Start small. Stay within her comfort level. Work your way up to “I would like this to be my little gaming corner of the house, and what if we also built out a part of the house to be your special interest room?”” R4eth
Another User Comments:
“Two separate issues here. The decoration problem is valid and she needs to compromise with you since it’s both of your homes. You should both get an equal say in how the common spaces are decorated. I can understand that it may be a difficult adjustment, but it is one that she’s going to have to make.
In terms of the room to decompress, will she also get her own room to decompress? A room that has no other function/that you’re not going to use? Because if she doesn’t, then it’s pretty unreasonable for you to expect to have that.
No jerks here, or maybe everyone’s a jerk? Hard to say. You two really should’ve discussed this before moving in though.” annedroiid
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Buy And Transport My Friend's Sponsored Fitness Products?
“I (26F) have a friend (24F) who decided to become a fitness influencer. She got into it because her now ex-partner had a fitness business with a decent following.
She joined his company and, although I was a bit doubtful about this whole endeavor in the beginning, she was doing incredibly well. She gained a lot of followers, and she even entered a bodybuilding competition and did great. I was really proud of her.
She was sponsored by the same brands that worked with her partner because of her association with his company. Sadly, though, her partner was an unfaithful piece of trash, so they broke up, and all her sponsorships dropped her because she was no longer under his brand umbrella.
I honestly think this was so unfair, she was the image of the brand for months, and they just dropped her like that.
Fast forward to now, she’s been struggling but managed to land a sponsorship from a smaller, local supplement company in our home country.
Problem is, I don’t live there anymore. I moved a while ago to the UK not long ago, and the brands she was previously sponsored by delivered here, but this one doesn’t. Her solution is that she wants me to order her supplements, ship them to my family back home, and then lug them back with me every time I visit, which, to be fair, is pretty often (every couple of months or so).
On top of that, I only buy vegan protein powder. I hate whey. I’ve tried it—it’s straight-up like licking a cow with a very slight hint of vanilla. So milky… and I hate milk. It’s also horrible in baking, which I love and do every single day, so I need it to be something I actually like/can work with.
All of this to say I never understood why people say vegan protein powder sucks, both the previous brand and the one I get are amazing. Well, now I do. The brand she’s sponsored by is awful, like truly an undrinkable chalky mess, even in shakes, and it’s also way more expensive.
I tried explaining this to her, but she keeps bringing it up and guilt-tripping me about how she’s struggling right now and really needs my support. I get that she’s having a hard time, but the hassle of doing this every two months (planning the deliveries, dealing with shipping costs, cramming extra tubs of powder into my already full luggage, or worse, paying extra for baggage) just seems like too much.
She’s one of my best friends, and part of me wonders if I should just suck it up and do it. But at the same time, this would impact me because, like I said, I eat this stuff every single day, and I love my food…And I’m also not in the best financial situation, but realistically it would be 10 more euros a month…(if I don’t have to pay for extra luggage).
So, AITJ for saying no?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The issue is actually the other way around — she is lucky that her behavior hasn’t damaged her friendship with you (yet). It was one thing when it was basically a win-win, but now she’s pressuring you to pay more and go through more hassle to buy a product you actively don’t like, just so she gets whatever benefit she will from your regular purchase.
It’s entirely self-serving on her part now. As she is, she’s straying into the kind of MLM-like territory that has people kid themselves that they are just asking for a little support they should be able to expect when they are actually obnoxiously seeking to exploit their friends to support themselves financially.
That road never goes anywhere good. I’d tell her that this new product doesn’t work for you on any level. More expense. More effort. And you hate it. I’d ask her to understand that this just isn’t like how it was before and you’d like her to get that and let go, because this is no longer a win-win, as there’s nothing positive for you in buying the product.
If she pushes things, tell her that directly giving her the extra 10 Euros it costs would almost be worth it to avoid the hassle and terrible taste — but you’re sure she wants to build herself a business, not get charity. She needs to drop this.
The bottom line is that she is pushing this into friendship-damaging territory, not you.” kurokomainu
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s asking a lot from you and I get why she is. If you’re as good of friends as you say, you should be able to talk to her, explain the situation kindly, say that you’re also not in a good financial position, and while you support her and her endeavors, you’re just not able to for the time being.
You buying her stuff and doing all this for her isn’t going to catapult her to success. Hopefully, she’ll realize it sooner rather than later.” ActuaryMean6433
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Generally it’s never recommended to buy a poor product just cause a friend is selling it.
End of the day if the product is poor a good influencer won’t change that fact. Maybe she should network and find a new sponsorship. If your friend’s career was only viable because of a relationship with an unfaithful jerk she might consider changing careers because that doesn’t sound sustainable long term.” UnluckiCmndr
7. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Ask Before Volunteering Me For Something?
“I 32f and my husband 48m have been married for 2 years and work together. Today when he got home he said he had volunteered us to do a “class” but did not have any details. I asked him if he could talk to me before volunteering me for something as this is a very busy time for me.
He got upset and said that this was something he had wanted to do for a long time and that as his wife he would expect me to support him in this and he figured it was something I wouldn’t have an issue doing (which I don’t, I just wanted to be asked first).
When I tried to explain to him I’d just appreciate being asked first he responded that I should appreciate him thinking that I am skilled enough to teach the class with him and I should not be so negative.
He then continued to say that I had not been myself for the last week and had been “irritable and negative.” When asked how I’ve been irritable he couldn’t answer only saying he gets it because of how long I’ve been at the company and who my coworkers are.
He told me if someone was telling me this I should think about how I’ve been and I may not be self-aware.
Thinking about the last week I thought it was good. We went on a date Monday, I worked Tuesday and when we got home, made dinner, and talked. Wednesday we both worked I got home before him, worked out and got dinner cooked. Thursday we both got home late so did not stay up late before I went to bed. Friday the day was fine until the argument happened.
I’ve had a pretty good week at work so I’m honestly confused on why it feels like this is getting turned on me as if I was asking for something wild. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Good grief, woman! Your husband’s comments positively OOZE condescension and disrespect.
Why on earth would you accept being talked to (and talked over) like this? Is your self-esteem really so low that you think this kind of behavior from a partner is okay? He’s DEMANDING your absolute obedience and compliance! My eyes have rolled so far back that even Walmart doesn’t have rollbacks this far.
My brain is bleeding in disbelief.” CrazyOldBag
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My husband was 15 years older than I was, and he pulled this kind of nonsense on me all the time. Especially as we got older. I don’t know how long you’ve been together, but for me, as I got older and gained more social and personal agency, I chaffed more and more under his “direction.” And it made him more and more angry.
It was one of the main things that led to our divorce, as he always saw himself as The Man and me as The Girl. As he got angrier, he also got meaner. For me, it was exactly like the old story about the Frog in the Pot of cold water, not realizing it was slowly getting hotter, until one day he was boiled to death.
It wasn’t until I went to therapy for my own stress and depression that someone mentioned verbal abuse and then I took the quiz on the first page of the book she suggested. I checked 9 of the 10 items on the list and was completely shocked and amazed. This is the book.
It’s free with Kindle Unlimited, and not that expensive otherwise. It absolutely opened my eyes and changed my life for the better. Even if you don’t think it applies to you, I encourage you to check it out, if for nothing else, to take that quiz.” firstname_m_lastname
Another User Comments:
“This was something he had wanted to do for a long time and as his wife he would expect me to support him in this.” Bet. Now go sign him up for something that takes place before the class starts. Something utterly ridiculous that he’ll hate.
And then you say, “this was something I have wanted to do for a long time and as my husband, I would expect you to support me in this.” Not every disagreement has to be a whole gut-wrenching ordeal. Most of the time, it just takes a little “giving him the same energy he gives you” to give you satisfaction while making your point.
Also, marriage is not a free pass to run a dictatorship. One person does not sign the other up for anything. Not one single thing. There’s a reason why he’s not married to a 48-year-old woman- she wouldn’t put up with his nonsense for a second.
Apparently, he finds you to be weak and subservient because why else would he feed that b.s. line to you knowing full well you’d buy into it? You’re the jerk for asking your partner to ask you before volunteering you for something.
You would not be the jerk for telling your partner to ask you before volunteering you for something.” shikakaaaaaaa
6. AITJ For Losing My Temper Over Family Interference In Property Negotiations?
“My parents have a house in a prime location, and we’re talking to an investor about building a large apartment complex there.
I also have two sisters, both married with two kids each. In our culture, property traditionally goes to the son to keep it in the family name, but I’ve always told my parents I want things to be fair. Regardless of the outcome, I plan to give 50% of the property to my sisters, and they know this.
Recently, my sisters have been putting indirect pressure on my parents, especially my mother, to agree with the investors, and they’re already making plans for inheritance. I see this as a bit greedy. My parents are retired, my dad isn’t keen on moving, and my mother is doing it for our future.
Financially, I’m in a good place, while my sisters and their husbands are struggling. Their businesses are facing challenges, and I’ve lent them significant amounts over time, which I don’t really expect back—family is family. I also send my parents money monthly for living expenses and additionally, if anything needs fixing or replacing.
My sisters don’t provide financial support, but they’re there for my parents since I live abroad.
What really upset me was one of my brothers-in-law overstepping his role. Since I’m not there to negotiate directly, he’s supposed to act as a mediator.
Instead, he’s taken it upon himself to negotiate with the investors, even going so far as to tell me what I should accept and trying to convince me it’s a good deal.
I called my parents to tell them I was going to put a stop to all this interference, as it felt like too many hands were in the pot, including the investors.
My father agreed, but my mother thought it wasn’t my place to get involved. At that point, I lost my temper, saying, “The son should stay on the sidelines while the sons-in-law make all the decisions?” I might appear gullible to a lot of people as I never argue or flex, and I always let go when it comes to family.
Today, I called the investor to tell him what we want and no need for this to drag any longer, yes or no is enough for me. He tried to convince me to lower it, and what really triggered me was when he said, “These are powerful people; they could freeze the property, block construction, or even rezone it to be a parking lot.” It felt like this was a threat, a scare tactic to which I don’t react kindly in person.
Strangely, I kept my cool and told him I’d get back to him. I called my dad, told him what happened, and decided I’d tell the investors to go away. I called them again and made it clear: this is the price, no meetings, no calls, and I don’t take kindly to threats.
He panicked, started apologizing, but I cut him off, saying, “It’s fine, a parking lot sounds nice anyway. Not everything in life is about money.”
Later, my mom called and said I’d overreacted and maybe blown a great opportunity. I told her she will step on her dignity for money, which only made her angrier.
Now I’m left wondering if I was wrong and the jerk for how I reacted.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You acted with your father’s approval and based on lines of inheritance in your country. However, if you are in the habit of bailing your sisters/BILs out of financial issues caused by how they run their businesses, you might want to rethink that.
They have become entitled and believe what is yours is theirs. YOU are financially supporting your parents who in turn are taking care of your nieces and nephews. I would stop saying you are giving the sisters any ownership in the property you will inherit.
Instead, set up trust accounts for them (sisters) and nieces/nephews to support their future endeavors. Just change the way you help.” DontBeAsi9
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for what you said to your mother, YTJ. IT isn’t even YOUR property yet, it’s hers and your father’s.
As for your BIL overstepping; maybe he is but also consider you aren’t even in the country and he’s the one there doing the daily tasks about this. He has been involved, you involved him, so he weighs in. This is all a very stressful thing and hard to deal with so it’s clearly getting to you and to everyone else.
Take a deep breath and step back and remember what’s more important than any deal is your family. I do understand getting mad at that threat but your mom IS right, getting hot under the collar doesn’t help in business. Trying to get you emotional was why they made that threat.
They’ll probably come back anyway and agree. And even if they don’t, you could restart this project with someone else. And you getting half and your sisters’ getting half isn’t fair; you each getting a third would be fair.” BannonCirrhoticLiver
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You give money to your sisters and your parents.
Your sisters are married, and if I guess well from what country you are, you’re not supposed to provide for them when they’re married. It’s also a shame for their husband that their brother still provides for them! Your sisters are supposed to be part of their husbands’ family, not yours anymore.
So they are not supposed to make plans for the money at all, as their own husbands will inherit from their parents! So they want from their parents and their husband’s parents? Clearly, it’s time to remind your BILS that you’re not supposed to take care of THEM as they are not your family.
Help your parents, but your sisters are supposed to turn towards their new family now. If you still want to give them a part of the inheritance, remember how you helped them in the past and that their husbands won’t share with you when their parents die…” Lyzab77
5. AITJ For Donating Mysterious Packages Delivered To My Address?
“Start of October, I came home to 3 large boxes with the same last name addressed to my house. I called my mom to confirm whether we were expecting anything from overseas relatives. When she confirmed we weren’t expecting anything, she called the number provided on the packages.
They stated they didn’t want it and to do whatever I wanted with it and provided no information. The 3 boxes contained misc items like jars of spices and lots of packaged clothes. I wasn’t a fan of the clothes so after putting off the donation for 2 weeks, I dropped off the clothes at a donation box.
Today, October 27, my mom called asking if I still had the contents of the boxes and my neighbor called her to say it was theirs and they wanted it back. I told her I either donated or tossed everything. During the evening at 9, I return to my house to see a group of 7 people crowding my yard.
They demanded to know what happened to their package and that I essentially stole their stuff. If I wasn’t expecting a package then I should’ve left it outside and I had no right to throw their stuff away. The situation was escalating and they were getting very aggressive.
I showed them the shipping label that showed my address on the box but their only concern was I stole their stuff. They threatened to give me 1 day to return their stuff or they would pursue legal action. I had called the cop at this point as they were causing a ruckus and yelling.
When the cops arrived they talked to us and our neighbor. That neighbor was accusing us of stealing the expensive jewelry in the boxes. The boxes had no such items and looked to be from a dropshipping company.
In any case, I’m starting to question whether I am at fault.
Our neighbor confirmed the phone number on the boxes was hers but during the call, they said they wanted our address to pick up the stuff. Since they lied about the content of the boxes I have little reason to believe in what they say.
In hindsight, I could’ve done other things but what’s done is done. If this does happen again then I know what to do. I talked to friends after this happened and they said if they were in their shoes they would also be upset if someone donated their items. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They used your address for some shady purposes. “If this does happen again then I know what to do.” DON’T give it to the neighbor. Don’t allow them to use your address. You would share responsibility for their nonsense – there are a lot of shady reasons to use your address and no good ones.
Storing it, sending it back, keeping it, donating it – all is fine. This could be anything from evasion of import taxes to using you as their drop-off, or even stolen credit cards or some other fraud, or even establishing residency at your home – all of it would point to YOUR home.
If their activities were completely legal, they would use their own address.” Excellent-Count4009
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This sounds like a scam. I’m not sure if your “neighbors” are running the scam, or if they are also victims of it. While it appears you are not the jerk, the problem the authorities will have is the problem we have.
It’s your word against theirs as to what was in the packages. You might want to get an attorney, here. Actually, definitely get an attorney, and ask them what you should have done to document and protect yourself, at the very least.” Zahrad70
Another User Comments:
“Not only is this a scam, but it puts the blame on you for ‘receiving’ possible (highly probable) stolen property or total crap for fraud. It’s not traceable to your neighbor but to you. You know, hard evidence to be used in court against you.
You should ask these ‘neighbors’ to show you a shipping payment receipt and ask why they would send it to you to begin with. Also, ask them why they would ship such ‘expensive items’ without adding insurance to the package as well as a tracking number.
Better to contact the mail/shipping carrier and tell them to issue a call tag to take it back and return to sender, unopened, should this ever happen again.” Excellent_Spend_6452
4. AITJ For Refusing To Write My Sister's College Application Essay?
“I (24F) have always done well in school; doing my homework, studying, and getting good grades was never a struggle. I am now a middle school teacher.
My younger sister (17F) is a senior in high school and is currently struggling through college applications. Everyone in our family reminded her she should start thinking about them in the summer before her senior year but she kept pushing it off.
She’s the type of student who cares about getting good grades but doesn’t care enough to do the work for it. I have spent countless evenings walking her through her math homework, which I don’t mind doing because I actually enjoy math (even when I have to look it up, reteach it to myself, and then teach it to her).
As the years have gone by it’s gotten more and more frustrating to help her out because she will often refuse to sit down and watch what I’m doing or try it for herself.
Now she’s a week before her first college application deadline and she’s still workshopping her college essay.
My parents have asked me and our other siblings to help her out (she’s the youngest so we’ve all already been through the college application process) and they’re putting more and more pressure on us as the deadline approaches because she’s procrastinated on it. I read her essay and it’s alright, but could be better.
I made minor grammatical corrections as I read and left comments with guided feedback and suggestions of what she might add or remove to make the essay stronger. That wasn’t satisfying enough for my parents though and they wanted me to tell her exactly what to write, aka write it for her.
As a teacher, my philosophy is that I teach kids how to do the work themselves. No one benefits from me handing the answers to them and I have stood by that philosophy since I was in high school tutoring my then elementary-year-old sister. The learned helplessness in children these days is astronomical and I’m not doing them any favors by encouraging it.
I stood by that philosophy adamantly when my parents asked me to write a college essay for her. Admissions counselors aren’t looking to get to know a 24-year-old who already has two degrees, they’re looking to get to know the 17/18-year-old student who wants to be a part of their community the next year.
My dad said that family trumps personal philosophy which, honestly, really hurt my feelings. I communicated to him that it was hurtful for him to ask me to push aside my own morals for this and that he was essentially asking me to be a hypocrite of my own beliefs.
He kind of shook his head and told me that didn’t matter right now because my sister was crying over not being able to write her college essay. At that point, I chose to walk away from the situation as I had communicated my feelings and they were brushed away as if they didn’t even matter and I felt that they would keep making me the bad guy regardless.
So, AITJ for refusing to write my sister’s college application essay for her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you did write it for her, you’d be blamed for any application that was rejected (despite the intense competition these days and sometimes almost random things the admitting committees look for).
And if she got in on the strength of your essay, she would pretty promptly fail out much more painfully and spectacularly for not being able (or willing?) to do the necessary work herself. Wouldn’t you rather spare her that far worse pain by either allowing her to get in (or not) on her own strengths, or to learn to do better for herself?
By the way, has she been evaluated for conditions that could be affecting her, like autism or ADHD? Either could be causing her a mental “roadblock” due to pressure or unfamiliarity that makes it very difficult to start if she is uncertain how to handle a task.
If she has untreated ADHD then there are treatments that can help.” quats555
Another User Comments:
“You’ve got two problems. First is your sister and her procrastination. Second is what I see as the source of sister’s issues. Your parents. They are demanding you write her essay.
I sense a golden child here. Major red flag is “family trumps personal philosophy.” Anytime a parent or sibling uses the “family” argument, it usually just means “Shut up and do what I want.” They fall back on it because that’s the argument they have because they are arguing from a place of emotion, so they argue with emotion – guilting you.
Your parents have raised a child who is struggling to actualize in the real world. In an environment Dad knows he cannot directly control. Now your parents, are demanding that you take accountability for their actions. That’s not a good look on Dad. The problems they have created are theirs to resolve.
They are not your burden. Stand by your morals. Those are what define us as people. Don’t let Dad push you around with his guilt trips.” WhereWeretheAdults
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and to even suggest that you turn in an essay for her that you wrote is absolutely appalling.
I’m going to even set aside plagiarism and all that jazz and say: To the school, the essay is like your first assignment. It’s just like trying out for a sports team, or any other initial challenge, if you cannot meet the requirements you will never survive on the field.
If your sister was admitted under false pretenses she wouldn’t last three months at the school. And when her ineptitude was revealed in front of her so-called peers she would be not only beyond humiliated by the experience but it would actually be more traumatizing than a simple rejection letter based on the essay she should’ve turned in and been rejected by.
It’s essentially setting her up for failure.
One thing that does really bother me about this post is the comment of how your sister has supposedly struggled for a very long time but then you say that she gives the attitude of being upset about how poorly she’s doing but not putting in any effort to do any better.
Half of what you described sounds like an undiagnosed learning disorder that that no one bothered to get her help with that has held her back and caused mental anxiety and other issues long-term. Or if we take you at your word and that she’s only upset that other people get upset at her and doesn’t actually care to put in the effort that she’s fully capable of doing, unassisted. I’m on the fence towards which is real in this situation and therefore kind of pity the whole thing…” old_lackey
3. AITJ For Refusing To Get Rid Of My Dogs For My Husband's Child From An Affair?
“My husband had a one-night stand. After much counseling I decided to forgive him and work on our marriage.
Unfortunately, the woman got pregnant, and they now have a 3-year-old boy.
I have two 5-year-old French bulldogs whom I and my two kids with my husband (14f and 9m) adore. Unfortunately being short hair dogs these kinds tend to produce the most reaction in those who are allergic.
I was fully prepared to welcome this child into my home with open arms and be the best stepmother I could possibly be, as the child is innocent and he is the little brother of my two children.
My husband has visitation every other weekend.
Unfortunately, this child is highly allergic to dogs, and his mother is demanding that we get rid of the dogs. These dogs have been with me through thick and thin, they were there with me when I suffered severe depression over my husband being unfaithful and my kids adore them too.
I absolutely refuse to get rid of these dogs. I told my husband he can either do the visitation at a hotel, get a second apartment for him and his son, or we can build an in-law unit at his expense above the garage but I told him my only stipulations are that this comes out of his own pocket.
He may not dip into our kids’ college funds, and the dogs stay.
Because the child is so young he doesn’t understand why he’s not allowed to come to the house and feels left out as a result.
AITJ for refusing to get rid of my dogs because my husband was unfaithful?
When he was hemming and hawing because he wanted to be all things to all people. I told him I would divorce him well before I do away with the dogs.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Dogs are family. You’ve offered alternatives; hotel, mother-in-law-unit, apartment. The child is three, he may not understand everything but, “Daddy wants to spend time with you so much!
But, I also don’t want the dogs to make you sick, so we get to spend time together here instead!” isn’t too difficult. Make it a fun special thing his father does FOR him, rather than a sad thing that happens TO him. Plan dog-free outings you can all go on so he doesn’t feel left out.
Also, OP, there are shots that will get rid of your allergies. It’s a process, and a lot of shots, so I don’t know if it would work for your situation. But my SO has pretty bad cat allergies, and I have a cat. He started getting the shots early this year and we’ve already noticed undeniable progress.
My SO is stoked about it, because soon he’ll be able to be around cats without an issue, and turns out, he loves cats!” monsteramoons
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Can you imagine how OP’s two kids would feel if they got rid of the dogs for the new child?
They’re already old enough to have a good idea about what’s going on, and they may resent the 3-year-old already. If they then thought the 3-year-old was the reason for losing their dogs…phew. Those dogs have been with 9m for over half his life; they probably feel more like family to OP’s kids than the 3-year-old (who is completely innocent, of course).” platypus93611
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve provided reasonable alternatives and I see no need to get rid of cherished family pets because your step-son’s mother demands you to. Even ignoring your own attachment to your dogs (which is important), your children are old enough to notice that their beloved dogs are gone and they shouldn’t have to go through that pain.
I’m glad you’re so accepting of your step-son and it’s nice to see you acknowledging your step-son is an innocent party, though I can’t help but feel like step-son’s mother is being entitled for asking you to make such a serious and difficult life decision (especially if your step-son only visits every other weekend).” SnorkelBerry
2. AITJ For Not Helping My Partner Apply To Prestigious Universities?
“My partner is a non-traditional college student. She completed her associate’s last spring with a very high GPA and meant to apply to some prestigious schools. Whenever she started working on her applications, though, she would panic and shut down. She ended up missing all of her deadlines; she did complete her application for one Ivy League school but didn’t submit it at the last moment, saying it was embarrassing and that she had no place there.
I didn’t know what to do in these moments, to be honest, but I am sure what I did wasn’t right. She would really shut down and pull into herself, going into a thousand-yard stare or breaking down in tears. I tried consoling her, but I can’t remember a time it worked. I read over her application essays and made suggestions, but she would get defensive and reject them.
I’m a pretty bad writer and she’s a very good one, so that was likely the right call.
Now she’s at a local public university and in tears every day because she finds it isn’t the right fit. She blames me and tells me I didn’t help enough, that she never felt supported through the process.
I asked how I could have helped, and she called me a jerk, saying she didn’t know “how to explain how to help people.” She says she doesn’t know if she can forgive me for this.
I am willing to accept I’m the jerk and I’m what’s holding her back, but I legitimately don’t know what I should have done.
How does one help an adult shutting down? What was I supposed to do in this situation? I honestly feel terrible, and having no idea what my proper role should have been just makes it worse.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It doesn’t sound like it was your fault at all.
If she knew you didn’t have the capacity to help her through it then she should’ve sought out help elsewhere, there’s definitely more qualified people out there who could’ve helped her that she could’ve found & asked. You are her partner, not an admission coach and yes as her partner you’re there to help her through everything in life, but she seriously cannot put this on you.
You did what most people would’ve done, the only thing you could’ve done differently maybe is to advise her to seek professional help from a coach but surely she should’ve thought about that herself? I understand her sadness and frustration at how things turned out but it’s not your fault and maybe she could transfer next year?” salvatore067892
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She literally sabotaged herself. She got into her own head and messed herself over. You did nothing wrong so don’t let her gaslight you into thinking you did. I get how nerve-racking it is to apply to college especially when you’re only preparing for disappointment.
Your partner expected to be disappointed so she didn’t even try, she gave up on herself and that’s not something you can fix. You can either try to help her or you can cut your losses if she continues to act like her inability is somehow your fault.
You can’t help someone who refuses to help themselves.” Neko614
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, if she couldn’t even successfully complete and submit the application, she has absolutely no place in a prestigious university. It’s intense and a lot of students are cutthroat about their studies and career paths.
I get it’s harsh, but having gone through multiple degrees, it’s not for the faint of heart and frankly, having a high GPA at a local school isn’t even remotely enough for her to act this way. You might miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, but you certainly don’t land every shot you do, and since the easiest Ivy to get into still has an ~10% acceptance rate, with almost all candidates having very high GPAs, she’s got no one to blame but herself, and ultimately there is nothing to say the results would’ve been any different had she submitted them.” MagicCarpet5846
1. AITJ For Eating A Burger On A Date With A Vegan?
“I (F32) met this absolutely amazing guy (M35). Funny, brilliant, intelligent… and vegan (so no meat, no fish, no cheese…)! On our third date, he brought it up and explained his convictions, etc. About an hour later, we decided to order.
He chose the vegetarian dish on the menu. I went for the burger (which, to be fair, was dripping with cheese).
From my perspective, he’s free to eat what he wants. But I have no intention of becoming vegan or even vegetarian myself. So, I simply ordered what I felt like eating at that moment.
A few days later, we talked again over text, and he called me out on it. For him, it was a real lack of tact on my part and pretty disrespectful of his convictions, which he had shared just an hour before we ordered.
Now I’m feeling a bit confused about the situation.
I like him, but I don’t really see where the disrespect lies in my actions.
What’s your take on this? (Please don’t respond if you’re anti-vegan. This isn’t about criticizing him specifically, but rather about evaluating my own reaction during that dinner.)”
Another User Comments:
“So he expects his convictions to control the actions of someone he’s just getting to know? Yeah, that sounds real healthy and balanced. Write this one off as incompatible unless you’re happy to change your mind about being a vegan because if he expects you to not order animal products or byproducts in front of him at this stage, he’s probably going to insist that you not order them at all if you two become a seriously committed item.
If you’re lucky, he might wait until you move in together to tell you that no animal products or byproducts are allowed in the life of his significant other at all, not even when you go out with friends or family without him (and it sounds like he’ll also expect your friends and family to make all gatherings vegan or he’ll make a stink).
NTJ. He can decide that he has a boundary of only seeing other vegans, and thus decide that you’re not a good option for him, but it’s controlling for him to demand you change your eating patterns to suit his convictions.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What does someone else’s veganism have to do with what you order to eat? A vegan diet is a diet, it’s not a personality unless someone tries to make their dietary preferences their persona. I respect my friends that keep kosher but it doesn’t stop me from eating a cheeseburger or bacon in front of them.
“A few days later, we talked again over text, and he called me out on it. For him, it was a real lack of tact on my part and pretty disrespectful of his convictions, which he had shared just an hour before we ordered.” And there you go, the guy you casually are seeing thinks vegan is a personality.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“I’m vegan myself, so you know this comment isn’t coming from someone simply judging the guy for being vegan. You are NTJ here. He is in the wrong. Some vegans are 100% OK with friends/partners eating meat in front of them. Others are not, because it’s too upsetting, off-putting, nauseating, etc. Both are valid ways to feel.
Can’t help how you feel. However, if they belong to Camp B, it is up to them to make sure they avoid their triggers – they can’t expect others to change their behavior to cater to them. For example, if they can’t handle the person they’re seeing eating meat around them, it’s probably best that they only see fellow vegans.
It makes little sense to see an omnivore and expect them to change their diet when they’re around you. I suppose there would have been no harm in him asking beforehand if you’d please consider choosing a vegan option at dinner, but you’d have been free to say no and he’d have had to respect that.
It was absolutely not right of him to just expect you to not order meat without asking you first, then not saying anything when you place your order, and then only later accuse you of being disrespectful and tactless. I wouldn’t see this guy anymore if I were you.
First and foremost his communication and conflict resolution skills are poor. But secondly, if he can’t handle you eating animal products on your first date then how is he going to feel if you end up living together? He’d probably expect you to keep a fully vegan household and that’s obviously not something you want to do, so you’re not a good match.” BeatificBanana
