People Put The Spotlight On Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Wanting To Move Out Despite My Sister's Financial Struggles?
“I (34M) moved into my sister’s (39F with 3 kids) house three and a half years ago, after she went through a nasty divorce. I moved in because she was struggling financially and emotionally, I pay the entire rent ($2.3k) plus internet and some food about $3k after everything.
Moving in also increased my commute to 2 hours each way, so I don’t even count the $800 I spend on gas and toll fees.
Two out of the three kids (13,10,4) have Autism, with one being nonverbal. My sister works a nighttime job (40k per year) so I know she won’t be able to afford to live in the current home we are renting.
Keep in mind she rented this home with her ex-husband, so they could afford it at one point. She won’t go after her ex for child support and refuses to seek assistance from the government. She doesn’t do any upkeep on the house and it is quite frankly a mess, I pick up after myself but feel that she should clean up after her children.
My sister is extremely smart but horrible with money, I’ve probably given her close to 100k since I became an adult, not counting the over 90k I’ve paid in rent living with her. She refuses to face her problems and just buries her head until my dad or I rescue her.
I reminded her of my plan to move out in March of 2025, she didn’t like it and stated that she doesn’t want to talk about it.
I have a great career ($185k/per year) and really want to start looking at settling down and getting married, I also plan on moving out of state or going fully remote.
I chose to not have children and feel like she needs to figure out her life. Coddling her and just rescuing her clearly isn’t helping her.
AITJ for wanting to move out and move on, fully knowing that this will negatively impact my nephew and nieces, as well as cause my sister even more stress and depression?”
Another User Comments:
“Your sister needs to grow a pair. The child support is to care for the kids. She needs an attorney like YEARS AGO. She also needs her Pediatrician to guide her in filling out Medicaid assistance and Medicare assistance for permanent disabilities.
Or better yet get the pediatrician to write and code the diagnosis letter for each kid and have Medicare and Medicaid help with the paperwork.” CUL8RPINKTY
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it sounds like this situation is causing you a great deal of stress, which you didn’t cause.
You’ve helped her already for a long time and given her plenty of time to get situated, and you’re giving her ample time to prepare! You have been more than generous by paying for the house for so long. She needs to get that child support and help with the kids from their father.
It sucks to be in your sister’s shoes but she shouldn’t be making you feel guilty about you having plans to live your life as you see fit. Honestly, you are the reason she hasn’t felt the need to go after child support or government assistance!
You’ve made life pretty comfortable for her, what she wants and what she needs are 2 separate things. She has put so much responsibility on you that is not yours. It’s not fair to you!” Ok_Roll8308
Another User Comments:
“YTJ to yourself. When she refused to go for child support or government assistance you should have said you wouldn’t enable her and moved out within a few months.
NTJ for leaving. Clearly, she needs motivation to take care of her kids by herself. If it’ll make you more comfortable with leaving you can help. First I’d give her notice, between 2-6 months whatever’s reasonable for you to find a new home. Then create a guide to applying for child support and how to check what government assistance is available for her.
She probably won’t use it, but at least you’ll know you did all you could.” ApprehensiveBook4214
20. AITJ For Not Using My Inheritance To Pay Off My Kids' College Debts?
“I have three kids, they all decided to go to expensive colleges. I paid for their books and gave them money for their food plan but tuition was on them.
They knew from the beginning that college would be on them.
My youngest took some community college classes to save money. The rest of the kids didn’t do much to lower their expenses. They are all out of college and have a whole bunch of debt.
My mother passed away and she gave me the house. I am selling it for around 500k. I plan to use some of it for a big vacation and then the rest to go into my retirement fund.
I decided to let the kids have a look at the home first before it went on the market.
It’s a really nice area and the house is great. They were surprised by the amount and none of them could afford it. I told them I plan to sell it soon.
This started an argument about how I came into so much money but don’t plan to give them any of it.
I told them it is my inheritance from my mother. She wanted me to have this.
The argument escalated even more and they want me to pay off their school debt. If I did that it would take 3/4 of my inheritance. So I told them no. I reminded them that when I die they will have their own inheritance from me but I am not dead yet.
They are angry at me.”
Another User Comments:
“INFO – How old are your kids? I am nearly 40 and grew up in a time when college was pushed heavily on students and student loans were seen as a must. As a teacher I see the expectations have shifted for students.
I’m not sure if this is true of all schools, but the school I work in pushes for students to take on apprenticeships for the trades or start out in community college. At the end of the day, it is your money and you made it clear to your children that higher education was their responsibility.
But I also remember not getting much information on alternatives to going straight into debt from a 4-year school in order to be successful.” lostalldoubt86
Another User Comments:
“Getting old is EXPENSIVE (I’m currently watching my in-laws come to the realization that their net worth will only cover 3.5 years in a decent assisted living facility, never mind a good Memory Care home & their current living situation is fast becoming unsustainable).
You are going to NEED that money!! Tell your children exactly that! It would not be fair to expect them to take care of you in your old age, and you don’t want to end up in a facility that accepts Medicare alone. This inheritance is part of your Retirement Plan.
If there’s anything left when you pass on, they should consider themselves lucky. NTJ.” Diasies_inMyHair
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. Definitely it’s your money and you get to decide what to do with it. They aren’t entitled to your money because you inherited at least 500k.
If their grandma wished for their debts to be paid from her estate she would have made a will stating that. Why did you show off the house to them? You knew all three had education debts and wouldn’t be able to afford a mortgage on a 500k house.
This just seemed like you were rubbing it in their faces. You seem to have a great deal of disapproval for them going to college and accumulating debts.” Doktor_Seagull
19. AITJ For Wanting To Build A Fence To Keep The Neighbors' Kids And Dog Out Of My Yard?
“My husband and I bought a new build house in the summer last year (almost a year ago).
At the time, we didn’t know that someone had purchased 5 houses on our street. Every other house on our street belongs to this person, and he rents them out. It’s taken him a long time to get actual renters in the properties, so we didn’t really think much of it until this summer.
On our corner, our lot is the largest and it looks kind of like a pie wedge with our driveway out front being the tip and the broader piece in the back bumping up to a hill and city utility easement. Our neighbors to the right of us moved in about four months ago.
They have a dog that they keep chained in the yard, and it breaks loose all the time. We installed cameras in the back because I have a reactive dog and a few times we’ve been taking him out back (on a leash) and the dog has come running up and there have almost been a few incidents.
We’ve talked to the owner about it, but nothing has really changed. Now their kids are playing in our yard all the time because the neighbors that moved to the left of us also have kids. They ride their mini four-wheelers through the yard and have damaged the lawn sprinkler system.
We talked to their parents and they said they would try to keep their kids out of our yard but kids will be kids. They don’t really listen, and I don’t really feel like it’s my place to go out there and tell them they need to get off our lawn (man, I feel really old writing that).
I asked a few fencing companies to take a look at how much it would cost us to put a fence up. Because of our property line, our fence would look like it was almost partially in their backyards. This has already been somewhat of an issue because the hill behind our development washed out and covered the lawns in mud and my husband has gone out to rake the mud once it dried, and the renters have complained about him being in “their” yard.
The houses on either side of us have the smallest lots in our development. This would reduce the amount of yard space the kids have, which makes me feel kind of bad. But I don’t want to not have our fence to the property line and the landlord later put fencing up to ours and essentially “claim” those portions of our property in doing so.
It seems kind of like a headache.
When I talked to a couple of friends about this, they mentioned that we might be the jerk if we do this. I also don’t want to become one of those “HOA people” who throws the book down anytime a conversation comes up with neighbors.
I’d much rather get along with them than have any problems with anyone, but I’m also worried about my dogs and tired of replacing these stupid sprinkler heads at my own cost. So, WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Build the fence. Do it right and get a proper survey done to mitigate any problems before they arise.
The kids go in your yard, and your neighbors don’t see an issue with it, but then complain about your husband being in “their yard”. C’mon, don’t lay down and accept that. “The houses on either side have the smallest yards in our development” – not your problem, too bad for them.
“This would reduce the amount of yard space the kids have” – and? – again, not your problem. If the parents think having a larger yard is important to them, send them a realtor card and they can find another home that suits their needs. “Kids will be kids” – this is something people unfit to parent children say.
Build your fence. Your dog deserves the opportunity to run around in your fenced backyard without worry. Do it for the dog.” BulbasaurRanch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The house next to ours is a rental. We have found that each of the last 7 tenants just don’t care.
They have nothing to lose, so they don’t follow any of the rules. Build the fence. If one of the kids gets injured in your yard, think about the possibilities, the liability. Most laws side with the injured party, despite them being on your property.
Be safe. Build the fence and put up signs that say No Trespassing (if necessary where you are–where I am, that’s the only way the homeowner isn’t liable).” Sandi375
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yes you do need that space. If you build the fence 5 feet into your property line, you will be effectively ceding the 5 feet to the neighbor.
Once you tell your neighbors to keep their kids off your property and they don’t, you have a problem, and you’re becoming of the mindset that they are entitled to your yard. The neighbors are renting and they really don’t give a care if they don’t respect boundaries because they know aren’t there long term.” Constant-Divide2253
18. AITJ For Reporting My Football Coach's Inappropriate Behavior?
“I play for a women’s football team. The coach is also seeing the captain of our team.
Fast forward a month into the season. I was out walking and the coach saw me and pulled up, got out of his truck and asked me how I was enjoying the team.
I said everything has been great. He then asked if I wanted private training outside of training, he’s flexible with work so he can make time to train me. I said thanks but that I’m pretty busy with being a mum and I’d have to see with my husband.
I then tried to change the subject and said that I thought his partner Amy (the captain) of our team is really lovely and I thought it was nice he’s met a lovely girl. He then insinuated that he wasn’t sure about things with her.
That he was 50/50. And then said I must know how I feel about my relationship. I said yeah I’m pretty sure about my relationship as I’ve had a baby with him. He laughed and then said well let me know if you ever want extra training.
I didn’t say anything to anyone only my husband and he agreed it was a little creepy. The coach then added me on a social media app and sent me a picture of him going to the gym.
Then it comes out that the coach and Amy are breaking up.
I said to Amy that he added me on a social media app. And she said yes he seems to have all these side chicks on that app. She messaged me later asking about him adding me. And I said I’ve not ever responded to him.
I also mentioned that he sent me a message from the manager that he might possibly be getting stood down.
Amy then tells the manager that the coach added me on a social media app and sent me a screenshot of a private message between himself and the manager.
So then the manager contacted me to confirm if this was all true. And then I told her everything, the offering private training, telling me about the status of his relationship, etc. She was a bit shocked. And then told me that this wasn’t the first time this had happened and thanked me for being honest.
The coach then gets stood down. He then sends me messages apologising saying he didn’t mean to make me feel uncomfortable. He only wanted me to be the best player I could be so that I wasn’t embarrassed at training. And that he only added me on a social media app because he has lots of friends on there.
And then reiterated how sorry he was.
Now I feel really bad. Because maybe I did blow this all up. But in the same breath, I felt like he was putting a target on my back favoring me in a women’s team while seeing Amy the captain.
Because I know what women are like. They will think that I must have done something to make him think he has a chance. And then I get the blame. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did the right thing by speaking up.
The coach was crossing some serious boundaries. You did the right thing by being honest with the manager. You weren’t out to get him, you were just making sure things were above board. And it sounds like you weren’t the only one he was pulling this stuff with.
You helped shed light on a problematic situation, and it’s not your fault he got stood down. You need to look out for yourself and your teammates, especially when someone’s acting sketchy.” Thrusttruth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he’s gaslighting you, trying to keep up that oh-so-perfect appearance.
Just remember what Amy told you: yes he seems to have all these side chicks on that app.
Because it’s been bugging me: “He only wanted me to be the best player I could be so that I wasn’t embarrassed at training” translates as, “I selflessly offered this thing to you (I’m the benevolent god*, a thing that you need/desire (manipulation, getting you chasing a dream, carrot-dangling), that only he could offer (control), because everyone sees you as inadequate (manipulation through shame and self-doubt).”” sejgalloway
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everything’s right there. He’s herding a flock of possible lays, one gets cast aside, and the next gets approached. Apparently a fixed pattern. Now the creep feels the consequences of his inappropriate behavior and paddles back to keep appearances. The one point making clear what this is about is that he is abusing a power imbalance, he’s the coach, you are not.
In this system, you aren’t equals. He could’ve hit on you anywhere, just not within the team structure by offering “private training”. And this only works outside of transparency. You made that transparency happen. I believe you solved this matter really well.” Fiete_Castro
17. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Ex's Husband's Car Detailing?
“I share custody of my 9 and 11yo sons.
They have a very busy active summer that includes camp, lacrosse, and other activities. My ex and I have an arrangement where I drop the kids off and either she or her husband picks them up.
Today I casually mentioned to my ex and her husband that I spent $250 getting my Prius detailed. I got the interior shampooed, steamed, etc. I even replaced the car seat covers.
It was the best $250 I ever spent and I might do it every other month. I mean, I have two sweaty boys and their friends in my car a lot so it’s a good investment.
Later my ex approached me and asked if I would consider paying to detail her husband’s car.
She said his car stinks like chips and boy BO from having to pick up the kids and their friends. I laughed and said I’m not paying for anything. He drives a BMW. I told her to pay for it. She said she’d pay half but it would look “good” on me if I paid for it since he’s essentially doing me a “favor.” I said no, he’s being the stepdad.
And he should be thanking me because he has an older son who he really didn’t spend a lot of time with and now he gets a do-over with mine. That was a huge reason why he married my ex.
For the record, he’s a nurse practitioner and I’m a bookkeeper.
He makes way more than I do.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why don’t you pay for a cleaning service for their home too? And come over and do their laundry while you’re at it. This was an unreasonable request from your ex. A simple solution to stinky kids is putting down some seat cover and, if they can’t pick up after themselves, banning eating in the car.” 666POD
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can’t believe this is even a question! You don’t owe your ex-wife or her new husband anything. He’s not doing you a favor, he’s doing his wife a favor.. and it shouldn’t even be a favor, he’s the stepfather. He should do it purely for that reason in general. It’s his kids.
I’m a stepmum. And I wouldn’t message my partner’s ex asking her to give me petrol money or buy me this because I picked the kids up. They’re my kids too now, and I’m with their father.. what the heck lol.” ReporterJazzlike4376
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your ex’s husband is doing his wife a favor, it is his car being driven and her kids on her time inside it. You are in no way and at no time responsible. It would be a kind gesture to pass along the name of the detailing company, but you needn’t feel obligated. Personally, given the ages of the boys, I would put on some ChrisFix videos on YouTube while they’re in the room with you, act engrossed in it until they take an interest and see if they couldn’t learn a bit of car detailing.
Some kids wouldn’t clean up after themselves for love or money; you put the right YouTuber on to show them how cleaning is done and they take to it like ducks to water. Becomes a whole hobby for them. Saves their grownups a packet and makes their living space a lot nicer in the long run.” spiderqueendemon
16. AITJ For Not Informing My Neighbor About Their Misdelivered Mail?
“In 2023, my family moved to a suburban town outside a medium-sized city. Our new address is very similar to another house in the town. Imagine that we’re living at 555 Chestnut Road, while a retired couple lives at 555 Chestnut Street. Several times a week, we receive mail for the couple living at the corresponding address.
Our home’s address is listed but with their names as the intended recipients. Apparently, this is a longstanding problem, and the prior owner of our house used to contact the other couple every time something for them was in our mailbox.
We received a note from the couple shortly after we moved in asking that we continue this system.
This does not seem like an enormous request, but my wife and I work long hours and have a young son. We’re already quite busy with the daily chores of our own existence, and it is at least moderately annoying to take responsibility for the mail of two people we’ve never met.
Much of what we receive looks like junk mail that could be safely tossed, but I’m not sure that’s legal or wise. We’ve tried penciling in the correct address and leaving it in our mailbox, but our carrier does not take it back.
My wife recently dropped off several months’ worth of mail in their mailbox.
I received a text message later that day from the husband saying that we’d been receiving some of his wife’s medical bills and they’d gone unpaid for long enough to be forwarded to a collections agency. I offered to put a sign on our box saying that “Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so do not live here and all mail addressed to them should be delivered to 555 Chestnut Street.” I also said that I could leave all their mail in our box and he was totally welcome to check it whenever he liked. But I didn’t agree to text or call him for every piece of mis-labelled mail even though he again asked that I do that.
FWIW, I don’t believe that a single piece of our mail has ever been accidentally addressed to their house, which does make me wonder if they could be more careful when writing out their address on forms and documents. And, to be clear, we’ve all been relatively friendly in our communications.
AITJ for not being willing to call/text my neighbor several times a week to let him know we have gotten more of his mail with our address on it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “Our home’s address is listed but with their names as the intended recipients.” So you cross out the delivery block, write “NO SUCH RESIDENT — RETURN TO SENDER” on the envelope, and either drop it in a public mailbox or leave it in your box with your outgoing mail.
I just leave it clipped right to the front of my box, impossible for the carrier to miss. “We’ve tried penciling in the correct address and leaving it in our mailbox, but our carrier does not take it back.” I mean, you can’t just forward mail like that.
It needs to go back to the sender. Contact their superior at the Post Office. This is their problem to deal with — they need to send any first-class mail back to its senders, so they can update their address records. Leave the misaddressed mail up until it is taken back.
“My wife recently dropped off several months’ worth of mail in their mailbox.” DO NOT hoard their mail. Send it RIGHT back.” StAlvis
Another User Comments:
“This is a “No such person at this address” return to sender scenario. It happens (also with 55 N Main and 55 S Main-type addresses), and can be corrected. The other people are the root problem–they’ve given the wrong address to some places.
So that was just a mistake, but they became jerks by apparently doubling down and refusing to get it corrected. However, OP also sucks for holding onto someone else’s mail. Either do what they asked–call them to pick it up–or mark it properly and return it to the mailbox or post office.
It doesn’t belong at this address, so don’t keep it there. ESH and I do feel sorry for the people not getting their bills. They messed up, but OP also contributed to the problem.” Tangerine_Bouquet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I suggest you get a stamp made that says Return To Sender, Not At This Address.
Stamp every piece of mail that comes for these people and put it back in the mailbox with the flag up. Then it will be on the sender to correct the address and maybe the intended recipient will use the correct address. If it is addressed to your address but their name, they might be using the wrong address.
Don’t hoard the mail or try to do anything else with it. Stamp it and put it back into the USPS system.” briana28019
15. AITJ For Changing My Mind About Our Baby Naming Agreement?
“My partner is currently pregnant with our first child, which we recently learned was a boy. Before we knew the gender we made a deal that if it was a girl, I would choose her name and if it was a boy she would pick.
That was before I realized that I hated every single name on her list. Especially the two that she was leaning toward the most, Elyan and Gawaine after the Knights of the Round Table. One thing about her is that she has always been into fantasy and mythology, especially the Arthurian legends and she expressed that she has always loved both of these names.
Even though I didn’t like her choices, I figured we didn’t even know the gender yet so there was no point in bringing it up. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a boy (Not because I didn’t want a boy, but because I didn’t want to have this conversation).
I was hoping that she would change her mind and pick a better name, but no. She decided on Elyan, which I guess is better than Gawaine. But I still hate it. It sounds like a jerk in a teen movie that they were trying way too hard to give a unique name.
I asked her if she had any normal names that we would both be happy with. She asked me what was wrong with the name she chose and I brought up the above-mentioned concern. She got upset and told me that we had an agreement and she would have accepted any name I chose, even though she didn’t like any of them either.
Now she’ll barely talk to me. I’ve apologized for being so harsh about it, but I would at least like a say in the matter. I even mentioned another name that was on her list that I didn’t hate as much (Leon) but she won’t budge.
I honestly don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to want to have a say in my own son’s name, but everyone I’ve talked to said that they actually really like the name and it’s not fair for me to go back on our deal. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly I really like Elyan. It doesn’t fall into the family of “really unfortunate names” that could make life difficult for someone, and it’s not so “old-English and fantasy” that it sounds like someone is giving their kid their LotR OC’s name.
Anyways, YTJ for not bringing this up before you knew the gender. If you had wanted to make a different agreement about picking a name together, you should have brought it up when it would have equally affected both of you, not try to renegotiate now.
If it had been a girl, you would have been happy to just pick a name without her input despite knowing that you in reality didn’t want to follow the agreement to give her the same if the baby was a boy. You secretly created a catch-22 here where you would get to have full power over naming if it was a girl but were fully planning on trying to back out of the agreement if it favored her.
Regardless of how you move forward, intentionally avoiding having the conversation until this point when you did know that you wanted to have the conversation in this situation is already a jerk move.” Kittenn1412
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re both silly for making this stupid deal in the first place – kids’ names are a two-yeses sort of thing.
But you’re a jerk for agreeing to the deal and then backing out when you don’t get to choose. If this decision only affected you two, I’d say follow through and go with your partner’s choice. However, this is a person we’re talking about who has to have a name, and keeping your word isn’t a good enough reason to saddle an innocent child with a name that causes a lifetime of ridicule.
Advice- can’t you just go with “Elian” instead of Elyan? The spelling is much better and I think he’d be unlikely to be made fun of or disadvantaged by this (apart from maybe a bit of teasing about being called “Ellie” when he’s a kid.) As far as I’m aware it’s just an alternative spelling of the name Elijah and I don’t think anyone would recognize it immediately as being a fantasy name, so it still fits under the category of “normal name” while fitting your partner’s criteria.
The second piece of advice – make sure that for any future kids, your partner gets equal input.” grammarlysucksass
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So not only did you make a deal you’re unwilling to honor, but when you realized you had a problem with the deal rather than asking to amend the deal you decided to wait to see if fate would give you your way anyway.
Of course you’re a jerk. Had you not waited, had you been forthright (like Gawaine) you could’ve amended the deal in a fair way. It’s not unreasonable to want a say but you bargained that away to have the right to deny her a say if it’s a girl.
Utter jerk.” pottersquash
14. AITJ For Wanting To Stop Tutoring My Friend's Difficult Child Due To My Mental Health?
“I (21) with germ-themed OCD and also other mental struggles, am tutoring my old neighbor’s and friend’s 8 yo boy.
It’s a complicated story, but let’s say the mom is struggling and needs help but doesn’t want any besides tutoring for him. But he has ADHD and dyslexia and is absolutely feral whenever he has to read/spell.
I love this kiddo, I do. But I am not a professional and it’s so exhausting to sit there 4-5 hours with him for 20 bucks and try to teach him like… everything.
It breaks my heart seeing him struggle, he cries, screams, and throws things, like proper tantrums.
The other thing, they literally have stomach bugs every other week, like 2 times a month sometimes and with germ-themed OCD that’s unbearable. I don’t like disinfecting anything because I learned to not do that anymore but my mind keeps me awake every time I see him.
Am I the jerk if I say I don’t want to tutor him anymore? I am not good at setting boundaries and also am a people pleaser so I don’t know if I should or not drop him because I feel like I’d be a real jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His ADHD may be so severe that he literally cannot focus on anything he’s not interested in… so he’s not going to sit there and try doing his homework/tutoring work. His brain chemistry may simply be so out of whack that it needs help.
The boy’s mother may need to consider medication and if she won’t.. well it may be a million times more difficult for her son. You could try finding out his interests and using that as a learning tool ie if he likes dinosaurs then the books you teach him to read with might need to be about dinosaurs.
He’s got an extra layer of difficulty with his dyslexia as well. But you are not the right person to be helping her son. He needs professional help… possibly medically first before the learning stuff.” KitchenDismal9258
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Children with disabilities absolutely need help with learning and education so they don’t fall behind.
This is done through therapy, from a young(er) age, and NOT an untrained family friend doing it for cheap. If you are worried about confronting your friend, put it in a way more as you think he is not progressing well, he needs greater assistance that you are unable, untrained, to provide properly and should seek outside training You need to look after yourself first.” Hutchoman87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is not your responsibility to educate this child. The mother cranked him out now she must do what is necessary to get him educated and that may include sucking it up and paying another tutor. It is not your concern.
When you are suffering mentally and emotionally having to deal with this kid and the disgusting home they live in for hours will the mother come along and pay for your therapy and do anything at all to help you?? The answer to that would be no. Tell her that you have gotten busier with work or school or whatever you need to say to get yourself out of that situation.
You deserve your peace. And stomach bugs. That alone would have had me running for the hills.” Abject_Jump9617
13. AITJ For Wanting To Meet My Friend At A Restaurant Without A Playground?
“My friend and I, both 32F, have been friends for our whole life. She now lives in another country and comes back home each summer. She has 2 kids (6F, 3M) whom I love dearly. The problem is, each time we go out when she’s home, she picks a restaurant with a playground for her kids.
Now I don’t mind them always being with her, because her parents don’t really help her and arranging for day-only childcare in our country is not that easy. But when we get there she spends almost all the time on the playground with them and I will be alone at the table.
If I wanted to be alone I would rather be alone in the comfort of my home.
My thought is if there’s no playground her kids would be sitting with us at the table so she wouldn’t have to leave me alone for a long period of time.
I know that of course she will still be attending for them and it wouldn’t be only about us catching up, but at least we would be able to have some sort of conversation. If it was like a one-time only it would be fine, but each time we meet it has to be somewhere like that.
We will be meeting up on Tuesday and all the places she suggested are places with playgrounds, so will I be the jerk if I asked her to meet somewhere with no playground?”
Another User Comments:
“Okay, so I have 5-year-old twins who are legit jerks.
I love them dearly and am fairly obsessed, but two adults talking seems to trigger a Pavlovian response where they become oddly determined robots sent from the future to kill the conversation. You want a playground to let them work out some of that energy, but I also understand your plight.
My advice is to find a restaurant where there are tables next to the playground so she can sit and talk with you while watching her kids and/or you feel comfortable leaving your things at the table and hanging out with her on the playground.
Now that her youngest is 3 now, she may feel more comfortable giving them more freedom than when they were 2 or younger. No jerks here.” SunshineShoulders87
Another User Comments:
“You’re the jerk for doing it. Not the jerk for wanting it. You skipped the step of talking to her about it and looking for compromises.
You’re assuming that forcing the kids to stay at the table will allow a conversation between you, but it’s just as likely her attention will be spent on keeping her kids from demolishing the table. Or maybe not, but you ought to be able to discuss it with her and find a solution together.
As others have suggested – tables next to the playground, or you going with her to hang out at the playground. Or a picnic/takeout at a playground rather than a restaurant. There are various options that don’t leave you abandoned at the table.” antizana
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk. But eating out with a 3 and 6-year-old when there’s no playground is going to be a nightmare too, as they’ll have to stay sat at the table meaning you won’t get any proper conversation in with your friend. Why can’t you join her at the playground to talk to her there, or is she too involved with the kids so you can’t have a conversation with her?
I think you should just be honest with your friend. “Friend, I’d love to catch up but all of our last outings have been with your kids where you end up spending most of the time on the playground and we don’t get any time to chat.
Can you please organize a babysitter for the kids so we can have some time alone? I am happy to pay half of the babysitter’s fee if we can get 3 hours together with just us.” See what she says. That way you are considerate by offering to help pay for a sitter.
But don’t hang out with her if it’s just her playing with her kids and you are there at the table by yourself, that’s a waste of your time and it’s more convenient to catch up over the phone when the kids are asleep and can focus on you and your conversation together.” wandering_salad
12. AITJ For Taking Over My Grandmother's House To Prevent Foreclosure?
“My grandmother passed away several weeks ago. She would always do what she could for her kids and grandkids, but that wasn’t always the best thing to do.
Some family members would take advantage of her and try to bleed her dry.
Whether it was aunts and uncles going to her for money for things they didn’t need and couldn’t afford to pay her back, people living with her and not contributing a cent in terms of bills, groceries, etc.
That’s what led to her borrowing a substantial sum against her home to give money to other family members for things like cars, home renovations, etc. I wasn’t aware of this until my mother mentioned to me that my grandmother’s home was close to being foreclosed on and no one in the family could/would help (it was obvious she was trying to subtly ask for help).
I met with my grandmother and we talked about it. At first, she asked if I could lend her the money she was behind to stop the house from being seized but it became obvious very quickly that not only would she not be able to pay me back but that she wouldn’t be able to cover the repayments to the bank once she was caught up and would be in the same position again.
After some back and forth between her, my mother and I agreed that I would take over everything. I would take over the future repayments to the bank, pay the outstanding amount, reimburse my grandmother for the payments she had already made as well as give her some payment to cover the difference between the loan value and the actual value of the house.
In exchange, the house would be signed over to me but she would be able to continue to live there and do as she pleased (eg: letting other family members live there if/when they needed it) and I would also do some renovations to the house to make things easier on her (installing solar panels to lower the power bills, power efficient air conditioning rather than the old portable ones she used, amongst other things).
She requested that she be allowed to explain it to the rest of the family and I agreed. Everything was finalized, the house was in my name, everything was paid, the renovations got done and all was well. The family seemed happy (likely since they ended up getting most of the money I paid to my grandmother) and life went on.
But now with her passing, I came to find out that no one else in the family knew I owned the house and they only found out after it was revealed the house and most of its contents weren’t mentioned in her will.
This has led to most of the family saying I took advantage of her and things have gotten very ugly and personal.
I’ve offered several compromises but they just want me to give them the house and pay all the transfer fees since it’s “rightfully theirs”.
This is almost at the limit so I’ll leave it at that, willing to answer any question in the comments.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No do NOT compromise at all. You kept your grandmother in her house when she could have been thrown out. You PAID for the house. It’s not something that you got for free. And most of that money went to the leeches.
They deserve zero additional money. This is a time that calls for Righteous Anger on your part! Where were they when Grandma was about to be foreclosed on? Which one of them stepped up to give her money then? Which ones kept asking her for money instead?
They got whatever share of her estate they might deserve already, from the $$$$$ that grandma gave them when she was alive. PS – change the locks and put up cameras ASAP. I wouldn’t put it past them to break in and steal stuff or just move in and squat.” plsuh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Don’t start any discussions with those relatives! Even if the house was transferred to you by your grandmother, you acquired it legally by paying all obligations and giving your grandmother equalization payments. At the same time, you granted her a lifelong right of residence and beneficial use.
Your relatives are not entitled to anything; if any are still living in the house, try to evict them with the help of a lawyer because I don’t know if this is even a legal tenancy. The house was transferred to you before her death, so it is not part of the estate and no one has a claim to it.” Mini_Godzilla
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The family wasn’t going to end up with the house because the bank was going to foreclose, and you saved the day. Also, from your description, it sounds like you paid market value (as you said you paid the amount due on the loan plus the difference between the loan amount and actual value) which means the family inherited the equivalent value of the the home.
Stated differently, if you get a 500,000 house with a 400,000 mortgage, there is 100,000 in equity. If you paid the bank 200,000 in delinquent payments, took over the remaining loan, and paid your grandmother 100,000 cash, that’s 100,000 in her bank account that was distributed per her will (if she didn’t spend it on them already).
So, 100,000 house vs 100,000 bank account, it’s all the same in terms of value … the cash is even better because it is liquid. You did not take economic advantage of your grandmother or screw your family out of their inheritance. You owe them no compromise!” SuziQster
11. AITJ For Refusing To Split The Bill For Father's Day Dinner With My Brother?
“I don’t think I’m the jerk here, but it’s hard not to feel like one when my mom definitely believes that’s the case, while my dad doesn’t even know it happened. For context, I (24F) live alone while my (19M) brother lives at home.
My mom texted me 3 days before Father’s Day and told me that she was taking my dad and the family (4 adults, 1 child) out to dinner at a fancy restaurant and she wanted me and my brother to split the bill for it.
She said it’d be nice for my dad not to pay for it himself and that since we’re both working adults, it’s appropriate for us to pull some financial labor for our parents.
I told her I’d think about it, and discuss it with my brother.
I called my brother and he told me that he was trying to save up to move out of the house, and my mom already borrowed money from him to help fund her business. My dad earns ~140k a year and my mom has not worked for 10+ years.
Recently she decided to start a business on social media, which has seen some success, but not enough to break even yet.
I felt it wasn’t right to ask my little brother, who makes ~28k a year and was already contributing financially to also help pay for dinner.
However, that was a problem for me, as I make ~30k a year, 100% self-supporting, and saving for car repairs. In short, I didn’t think I could afford it. So I thought up some alternatives and told my mom that while I couldn’t pay for dinner I’d be happy to buy groceries and cook for them or to pay for my own meal.
My mom told me that groceries would cost just as much as a restaurant and I was being difficult on purpose. When I held my ground she backtracked and told me paying for my own meal was fine, but she hopes I plan better in the future.
Overall, I thought the conversation went well.
Later I got some texts from my brother, as Mom asked him to cover the dinner anyway. When he refused she yelled at him for ganging up on her with me. She told him that since I didn’t do anything for her on Mother’s Day she just didn’t want that to happen to Dad.
Now, I did have to work on Mother’s Day, and I can understand if she was still upset about that. In my defense, I did call her to wish her well on the day, and I went up there later in the week with gifts and a card for her.
Things were a bit tense during Father’s Day dinner, though my dad did seem happy. At the end I sent my mom the money for my food so we didn’t have to split the check and my mom made a big deal of it. My dad was confused and told me that while he appreciated me contributing, he didn’t mind paying since he knows it’s hard supporting myself and he appreciates that I was able to come at all.
My mom’s been ticked off ever since, I struggle a lot with keeping healthy boundaries with her, and I felt like this was a major step forward for me. She keeps implying that it’s my fault that I don’t have that much money to spend and that I’m refusing to go along with things out of spite.
I’m tired of all the games, am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ; clearly it seems like the Actual Father was fine with this Father’s Day celebration, so no harm no foul. As far as your Mom: “She told him that since I didn’t do anything for her on Mother’s Day she just didn’t want that to happen to Dad.” Yeah, this is payback.
So in context, you might have been the jerk in the past, over a different conflict. But you aren’t here.” wittyidiot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It always gets me when the person making the arrangements expects someone else to pay (no matter the circumstance) and then tries to gaslight them into being wrong when they clearly didn’t agree to pick up the bill in the first place.
Your dad probably would have been just as happy with a home-cooked meal and his family around, but kudos to him for picking up the tab.” carmabound
Another User Comments:
“Tell your mom she can provide a budget for you for the next year that shows how you can pay for dinner.
Make sure it includes money for insurance, repairs, clothing, food, utilities, housing, etc, and that you haven’t been able to start an IRA yet. My 22 y/o is living with us. Life is ridiculously expensive right now. I’m glad we are able to do that for her.
I can’t imagine guilting my kids this way. I’m sorry. Good for you for drawing boundaries. It’s hard, and you are nailing it.” CivMom
10. AITJ For Not Taking My Friend With Aspergers To Comicon Anymore?
“I (36m) have been going to the London Comicon for about 15 years, missed a few due to various reasons but back to going twice a year. Joseph (30m) started going with me a few years back. His father told my parents that Joseph liked the stuff he was seeing on my social media and wanted to go.
He attended a few Comicon with me but after the last one we attended together, no more. I’ll be fair, he has Aspergers but I think even with that he does not deserve to come with me again after what I’m about to say.
We don’t live near London.
I usually arrange everything for the trip, travel and hotel, then he is expected to pay half. I’ll say the first point, his dad gives him a wad of spending money, he could have paid me out of that and still had probably more than the average Comicon guest, but he chose to hold on and pay after the event.
Selfish but that’s a drop in a bucket compared to why I’m not taking him.
Last year I had things arranged, I told him when I wanted to go, a couple of hours before our bus was set to leave, He sent a message back asking why I wanted to go early.
Hey, it’s better to be an hour early than a minute late, the bus station was a bit away from us, my plan was to drive there, leave my car at my friend’s house (not Joseph’s) and walk to the station. My plan would have given us plenty of time to do this.
I got to Joseph’s house to pick him up at the time I’d told him, and he wasn’t ready, nothing was printed, and nothing was packed. He was messing about getting ready. He took literally 2 hours, by the end of it we needed to get his brother to give us a lift to the station.
I’ll be honest, I wish I’d just gone without him, Maybe given him 15 minutes grace time, told him, “I’m going at quarter past, you can come with me as you are then or make your own way.”
Not part of the reason I’m not taking him, but after we got back from the Comicon, he actually complained about needing to pay to get the bus back from town, if he’d been ready when I told him my car would have been in town and we’d have gone back in that.
And
The Comicon is a 3-day event, Friday/Saturday/Sunday, I happened to have something on Saturday morning. I had a full weekend ticket, Joseph had a Friday and Sunday ticket and pressured me to swap. I truly wish I’d put my foot down and refused point-blank.
That was a really selfish request on his part. I could have gone in the afternoon on Saturday
So the event was on again in May, he wanted to go, I said he could go but he’ll need to arrange his own transport, accommodation, and whatever ticket he orders, that is the one he’ll be using.
When asked why I told him that that last time I needed to change plans and cancel things for him and that it was selfish to pressure me to swap tickets.
So I booked a hotel for one, went down on my own, and had a great time, Now he and his parents think I’m the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Joseph is not a kid, he’s a grown adult. If his Aspergers is enough of an issue that he cannot go unattended, then it’s on his family to make arrangements, not you. They only think you’re the jerk because they don’t have a free carer who will also foot the bill for travel and accommodation, they’re mad because you rightly told them No. Go solo and have a great time!” SceneNo4083
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While it was kind of you to include him in those previous events, that in no way obligates you to continue to include him. That’s an unreasonable expectation from his family. Something everyone should have learned in kindergarten is that not everyone is included in every activity and an expectation to be included should never be assumed. I’m glad you had the opportunity to go and truly enjoy it by yourself.” yellowdogs-2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if your prospective travel companion can’t get their stuff together, then it’s fair game to not want to travel with them again. It’s not rocket science to plan out a weekend trip, and being (high-functioning) autistic doesn’t prevent you from doing that.
He’s 30 for goodness sake, time to act like it. Or his parents can buy him the tickets + hotel and shove him on the bus. Sounds like he’s been coddled all his life and it’s time for him to take responsibility for himself. Also sounds like you need to practice saying no – sounds like you’re reasonably easily pressured into things other people want.” quenishi
9. AITJ For Enforcing Safety And Courtesy Rules For My Teenager And Her Friend?
“We just got back from a family vacation and let our 14-year-old bring a friend. When we dropped the girl off at home after we returned she did not say goodbye or thank you, but just walked inside her house. I asked my daughter if she was okay and my daughter said her friend thinks our family rules are weird.
Her two specific examples were:
1. We were vacationing in northern Wisconsin and the kids were swimming in Lake Superior. I wouldn’t let the older girls go too far out because the water was cold and I had no way of telling when it got deeper.
My two younger kids (9 and 6) were closer to the shore with me. I let the older girls go farther than the younger kids, but I also had to remind them quite a few times to come back closer to the shoreline. I tried to give them space and let them have fun, but apparently, I was too strict.
2. We were eating dinner in a restaurant and the friend had her phone out. Our family rule is no phones at the table, so my husband asked her to put it away while we ate. She removed it, but then pulled it back out later while we were still eating and started watching TikTok, so my husband said, “We’re still eating.” I probably would not have said anything, but I also understand why he did.
My daughter tells me all the time we are too strict, and maybe we are, but I don’t see anything here that would make someone think we are “weird”.
We also apparently suck because we don’t let her go to her partner’s house to watch movies with him.
Maybe I’m old school (I’m 45) but 14 seems so young to do this!
I’m really struggling with mindfully raising a teenager to be courteous and to have rules that often don’t align with other parents, but I do really want kids to feel welcomed by us.
Any advice would be great!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m 20, so I all too well remember being 14. I see nothing wrong at all with your rules and you don’t sound strict at all. Your daughter most likely is never gonna agree with that at her age though.
For the friend, I don’t see anything wrong with wanting her to follow a few simple rules, especially when you’re bringing her on a trip. The lake thing, that’s just safety and you never know what could happen. I also don’t see anything wrong with asking her not to use her phone during dinner.
I mean that’s just rude of her, especially to be watching videos. And incredibly rude of her not to say thank you. I know she’s 14, but that’s not an excuse. Also, 14 is WAYYYYYYYYYYY too young to let her go to her partner’s unsupervised, at least in my opinion.
That’s not strict, strict would be not letting her have a partner at that age. It sounds to me like you’re doing a good job of being mindful and courteous towards her, but she’s not gonna see it that way at this age.
Overall, it doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything wrong.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I have a new young neighbor, his car battery was dead, so I offered him a jump start, first I had to tell him three times to let the charge build because he was too impatient and just wanted to turn it over every 30 seconds while playing on his phone.
Then after I told him “last try, better let it charge for several minutes” it worked. The entire time he was on his phone scrolling away. Did not get a thank you. Today he was standing in the middle of the stairway on his phone again, I was trying to get out to walk my dog, dude did not look up, did not get out of our way, I had to walk around.
I came to the conclusion that most of this young generation could have a comet come to earth, turn the sky dark before total destruction, and their phone would still be the last thing they see. There are people trying to ban youth from phones and social media with government control, NO, that is the job of the parents, not the government.
You are doing the right thing. It was your vacation, your rules.” GoodPiexox
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I wouldn’t say that your teen is ungrateful exactly, but instead, I’d say she is falling to peer pressure or doesn’t want to feel like a loser in front of her peers.
The first example was extremely reasonable because it’s best to keep them in your sight god forbid anything happens. They should understand that and should appreciate you are giving them space and not forcing them to play with the younger kids. The second example isn’t that strict, there are parents who are stricter.
I would just say emphasize on why you have certain rules for your daughter because at the end of the day, it’s up to you as you are her parent.” SaltyAd144
8. AITJ For Not Contributing Money For A Leaving Coworker's Gift But Still Signing The Card?
“I’m new to the job and I am replacing this person who is leaving.
They asked everyone to contribute some money for a gift and a card. I politely declined since I don’t know this person that well. They did part of my training and have only interacted with them a handful of times.
When it came to writing on the card, I wrote something until another coworker loudly announced that I shouldn’t have since I didn’t contribute any money to the gift. I wrote something like good luck on your next endeavor and thanked them for our brief interactions.
It made me feel like maybe I should have contributed some money. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Is this a cultural thing, what country are you in? I’m Aussie and have literally never had a problem with signing a card without buying something for them. It’s nice to sign a card so they know you’re thinking of them, which I think was nice of you to do actually.
And you don’t know them so of course you shouldn’t have to give up money for them. If someone signed a card and didn’t buy me anything, I’d just think they’re sweet for thinking of me even though we don’t know each other well.” FinancialNobody3324
Another User Comments:
“Nah your coworker is the jerk though for that remark, if they had an issue with it they could have done it in private and even then they are the jerk. I have never contributed cash for someone leaving at any of the places I worked. Also, remember these coworkers of yours will stab you in the back given the first opportunity to advance their own career prospects or to win brownie points.
This co-worker that’s leaving is not your friend or family. Really not sure why people are saying YTJ. You are literally saying good luck and not claiming you contributed. Also, the business should be doing better and making a good gesture for someone leaving, if they did, it wouldn’t be up to the employees to arrange something.
Must be some American culture crap I’m not aware of. Is this tipping for someone leaving? Also $25? Screw that!” KillaGDawg
Another User Comments:
“People calling you out for writing on the card but normally that’s expected of you even if you don’t contribute to the gift. The gift and the card are normally separate things.
I’ve been asked to write on farewell cards even when I don’t contribute to the gift, the card is for everyone else to show their appreciation. Generally, I try to avoid both though haha, let me thank them in person rather than this card they probably won’t read” Huihejfofew
7. AITJ For Choosing To Celebrate Father's Day With My Stepfather Instead Of My Biological Father?
“I’m (F19) close to my stepfather, he’s raised me for as long as I can remember.
My father has come and gone out of my life since the day I was born. I have stepsiblings and bio siblings. Each time I’ve bought something for my father for special occasions he’s never come to retrieve them or see me on Christmas or birthdays.
So I found it pointless and gave up, I also don’t know where he lives, I haven’t seen him for over a year, and he stopped calling or texting me for months, It works one way now of me calling and texting him.
I’m 20 years younger than my siblings and was born through a divorce, meaning I’m not close to my siblings, we don’t really talk not even a hi on special occasions.
I booked a meal for Father’s Day for my stepfather and some stepsiblings (my stepfather’s kids), it’s been planned since January of this year.
I didn’t invite my siblings because they don’t really celebrate Father’s Day with our stepfather since they are closer to our father.
Well, one of my sisters booked a Father’s Day meal two days ago.. Father’s Day is tomorrow and expected me to go because he’s our father and to drop all my plans.
I sent a message saying “I can come for a few drinks before my other meal” but she ignored my message, booked the table leaving me out of the loop and I’ve had to text my father to ask what’s happening because I clearly can’t have two meals within an hour of each other.
My father was annoyed and basically just told me the meal is booked, I’m not invited and that’s the end of it.
I just don’t understand why they are so mad at me when I barely see them, they have no interest in talking to me and I have other plans with my other family I’m very close to.
So am I the jerk for choosing my stepfather and his family over my biological family?”
Another User Comments:
“OP, you’ve pretty much moved on from your “father’s” rejection of you, you said it yourself that your stepdad was the one who raised you, and your “father” was in and out of your life constantly therefore, you pretty much see your stepdad as your dad.
NTJ, don’t give into those people who are telling you to go because he’s “your father“ you clearly see your stepdad as your dad,.I’m glad you have your stepdad in your life, we need more people like your stepdad and fewer people like your “father.”” Yo-KaiWatchFan2102
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did nothing wrong. Your “bio-non-father” did all the choosing here. He chose to be in and out of your life. He chose to ignore you even when you got gifts for you. He chose to stop calling and texting. This is not you choosing one parent over the other.
This is one parent choosing to reject you. Thank goodness for your lovely step-father. He is clearly your real father, so yes, you should prioritize Father’s Day with him.” SushiGuacDNA
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are angry at you because they didn’t get the result they wanted. That is going to happen many times in your life.
When it does, remember that it signifies that someone really wants to take advantage of you and is very, very upset that you didn’t let them. Your father is a failure as a parent. He deserves nothing from you. Your stepfather has been there for you, which is obvious by the fact that you wanted to celebrate him.
Go celebrate your stepfather with all your heart, and don’t let a sperm donor and his children bother you. It isn’t as if you’ll be facing them every day, right?” Fredsundertheblanket
6. AITJ For Limiting My Parents' Guest List For My Wedding?
“My fiancé (29M) and I (27F) are currently trying to navigate the wedding planning process with my immigrant Chinese parents.
Both sides of parents sat down for a meal to discuss their expectations for the wedding, if we wanted it more traditional or Western, and they were all very chill with whatever.
Since my parents don’t have much experience with weddings in America, they were fine with whatever we decided to do. Or so they said…
The venues we are looking at have a max of 200 guests and my fiancé has a really big family (~80 and that’s after trying to reduce the number) and my family is small (~20).
We’ve both invited around 20 of our closest friends and their plus ones so (~80 friends total) Now, my fiancé’s parents have also invited some of their friends but only the ones that know him (~15). My parents on the other hand made a list of 80 of their friends.
I probably only know like 4 of them.
My parents think it’s unreasonable for me to only let them invite their friends that I know since I don’t want a bunch of strangers at my wedding. My parents say that I can get to know them at the wedding so no longer be strangers and that they only mean well.
I told them the venue has a limit of 200 and that they are going to have to greatly cut down the number of their friends. They found it unfair because my fiancé is inviting so much more family and not being accommodating for his friends.
And that because my parents are also paying for the wedding it should be fair that they also get a say in who to invite. It’s not his fault his family is so much bigger than mine. But BRUH it’s our freaking wedding, not theirs.
Especially because I know their friends are all really loud and obnoxious (if you’ve seen fob Chinese people, you’ll know what I mean).
I told them to cut the number down which they agreed to do so but it’s still literally more than how many of my friends I invited. I was expecting around 15 which would be over the 200 limit but at least it is something we can work with.
At this point, I’d rather just invite acquaintances that I don’t even know that well just to fill up space so my parents will stop inviting strangers.
In terms of who’s paying, it hasn’t been established yet but my fiancé is willing to pay for everything if this gets out of hand.
I know there are cultural differences but at some point is this not just a jerk culture? My fiancé makes wungo bungo dollars so he didn’t want to have a wedding registry; instead, opting to just ask people to donate money to help victims of human trafficking.
My parents find this to be a bad/weird thing to do and have been fighting me over having a charity as my wedding registry. This is just as jerk culture isn’t it?”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, depends on how much of the wedding your parents are paying for.
If it’s a significant percentage, you have to give them some concessions. But you’re definitely NTJ for wanting to forgo the gift registry in favor of a charitable cause. I think it’s a lovely gesture for wanting to channel your happiness into bettering the world.
I’m from a weirdo Asian culture too (not Chinese, but still weird af) and I can imagine how people from back home would react to my charities of choice for my 2nd wedding (mine were local hunger relief and national LGBTQ orgs, so they’d probably be like why do you even care about those causes).
Besides, regardless of who finances the wedding, you have 100% of the control here. The gifts are for the couple, so the couple gets to decide what they’d like to receive.” labasic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you’re letting your parents dictate your wedding by using money as leverage.
Work out your finances with the fiance, then your parents need to be told to pick x people and no more. My understanding of Chinese tradition is that these events are for socially displaying their financial status. Either allow it to continue and be happy to attend your parents’ event or take that away before it goes any further and they send out their own invitations.” TorturousTaco
Another User Comments:
“I completely empathize with your situation, and as someone who is Taiwanese, I definitely expect my parents to pull something like this at my own wedding. It’s definitely a cultural thing where Chinese/Taiwanese parents see weddings as a status symbol to share joy/flex with their friends, rather than focusing on celebrating their children’s love.
For example, my poor cousin and her husband had a banquet hall wedding consisting of 5 tables with their friends, while my uncle had FIFTY tables of HIS friends, many of which I’m sure have never met the bride and groom personally. If you’re able to, I would definitely cut back their financial contribution if possible (so they can’t hold that over your head when it comes to controlling the guest list), or compromise by inviting their requested guests to only the ceremony and not the reception.
Some people I know have also held an “American” wedding with their friends and an “Asian” wedding in China/Taiwan for relatives and family friends who live there.” rabidlavatoryrat
5. AITJ For Wanting To Delay Announcing My Baby's Birth To My Family?
“My mom (widowed) and inlaws are all three on the narc spectrum, with my mom being the worst.
I’m going to have a planned c-section later this month and I don’t want to tell anyone ahead of time, and I don’t want to announce the baby’s birth, gender, or name until we are home, which will probably be 4 days after birth.
I’m tired of my milestones and news being hijacked by my mom, and I don’t want my phone blowing up while I’m in the hospital. (for example, when my BIL asked my mom for her blessing, she told everyone that my sister was engaged/getting engaged before he actually had the chance to propose.
Sister is still hurt she found out from a cousin congratulating her). We are planning on a baby name that would honor a late family member, and I know my mom will call the honoree’s next of kin and make it all about herself, and I want to be able to, after surgery, make those calls and announcements myself.
However, I might be the jerk because healthy AND narc family members would feel hurt/confused/excluded at not being told about a major surgery or the birth/death of a family member for 4+ days. My in-laws are going to be first-time grandparents and I imagine it would really hurt their feelings to not know for more than half a week that their first grandkid was born, and make sharing the news with friends/family weird because they can’t explain why my husband and I needed this uncommon boundary.
Due to family dynamics, we can’t tell his family days before mine.
WIBTJ if my husband and I waited to announce the baby for four or five days until we’re home?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. But I still don’t really get it. You don’t need to totally hide the birth, which I think would be the part that would hurt people’s feelings.
Just send a blanket email or message something along the lines of “baby born, happy and healthy. Resting up after a hard time, and will be radio silent for a few days as our little family gets to know each other.” Then a few days later, tell them whatever you want to tell them.
I think that’d be fair for everyone, though again, NTJ either way.” FacetiousTomato
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, no justification needed. You don’t owe anyone in your family a performance. The birth of your first child is a beautiful, special moment between you, your husband, and your baby, and you should absolutely get to spend that time together without interruption or involvement from anyone else.
All of your extended family will literally have the rest of your child’s life to spend time with them and make memories with them. You’re not keeping your child away from them or anything. You’re just taking a few days to yourselves and it’s crappy that our society makes us feel guilty about that or like we have to justify it to people.” anbaric26
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had a scheduled induction and told no one, other than my boss because you gotta know when I’ll be out. My husband and I wanted it to just be us since we were just starting our own family, and well, felt it should be a moment between us all.
My mom is just like yours. She goes off telling people things we tell her even if she knows we want it kept secret until we are ready. For example, I am pregnant with my second kid, and we told her when I was 10 weeks.
Told her we’d be making a bigger announcement to tell family, so no peeps. She had to call my aunt in AZ to tell her because my mother just couldn’t keep it to herself. My aunt is the one aunt from that side of the family who knows how to keep her mouth shut… I had my announcement of the birth of my first child ready to go before I called my mother to tell her I had given birth to a boy.
Then immediately after the call, I posted my announcement. We didn’t have visitors at the hospital while I was there. Told everyone they had to wait two weeks after birth to stop by. So it is well within your right to hold that information back for however long you would like.” knerrbabe
4. AITJ For Not Taking Out A Personal Loan For My Brother's College Debt?
“I (22F) just graduated from a college in a major U.S. city last month. I just started my new full-time job as a bank teller, making about $38k annually. My brother (20M) just took a leave of absence from his college, owing the university $9,800.
My mother (43F), father (53M), and sister (27F) do not have a sufficient credit score to take out a loan to pay this bill. My sister’s car (which was in my father’s name) got repossessed in December, for context. I just moved apartments so I currently have no savings.
I have about a 720 credit score with zero missed payments and I am about $3,000 in credit card debit. This does not include my student loans.
If my brother does not pay his university $9,800 he is unable to obtain his transcript to transfer schools, which is his plan.
My mother is asking me to take out a personal loan in that amount to give to him to pay off this debt. If my brother did not have a loan, it would take him about five years to pay it off, therefore delaying his schooling.
For additional context: this is not the first time my family has done something like this. My mother already used my name to take out a loan on her behalf for my parents’ 25th wedding anniversary in Las Vegas as well as BLACKPINK concert tickets.
I was eighteen at the time.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, tbh it’s weird as anything that your mom took out a loan using your name to pay for a Vegas trip and a concert! That seems like it could really mess you over in the future.
You’re already in debt, only 22 years old, and only making 38K/a year when most major US cities have a high cost of living. Is your brother’s leave of absence a medical thing? Mental health thing? Just dropped out? Regardless of the reason, you shouldn’t have to be responsible for his financial situation.
I’d understand venmoing him a few hundred dollars to pitch in or something, but… a loan in your name for almost 10k??? Nope. That’s really unfair to you!” redpenraccoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t do this. If your brother wants to transfer, he can work to pay off his own debt.
Also, if your mother took out the other debts in your name without your knowledge or approval, that’s identity theft and you should file a police report and contest the debts due to fraud. Please check your credit report and put a freeze on your credit.
Also, take a look at the wiki on r/personalfinance to learn how to handle your finances properly. Your family members are awful with money and you need to break from their bad habits.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you would be the opposite if you agreed. Your brother has an easy path – take a year gap, work full-time, live at home, save a multiple of what he owes, pay as soon as he can, and get the transcript the next year.
Five years indeed. You are just starting out with student debt and a very modest entry-level salary. Your family are financial idiots and the party debt your parents took out in your name is completely unjustified financial abuse. Have whatever relationship with them you think is appropriate, but without money changing hands.” Relevant-Position-43
3. AITJ For Suggesting My Friend Be Honest About Her Open Relationship?
“I (21f) have a pretty close friend (19f) and she’s in an open relationship which honestly, is none of my business, I don’t really know her partner but he seems nice enough. The issue is that she has a habit of asking people out, going on apps, etc but not telling the people she’s going out with about her relationship situation.
I suggested she specify in her profile so she finds other people who don’t want anything serious. She asks me why I care and I just told her that the guys she goes out with are people too, I know a few guys she’s lowkey led on and feel bad for them so I said that.
She told me that she doesn’t owe anyone anything and that I’m shaming her for suggesting she be honest with the men she’s going out and spending hours and hours with. I want to support her in her relationship but I really feel like she should treat these guys with more respect.
Idk, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend is in the wrong here. She is using men by failing to be honest with them about her intentions. Men also do this all the time, and they are wrong when they do it too. It is not shaming to encourage someone to be honest about their intentions when going out or engaging in hookup culture.
It sounds like she has fallen into the attention-seeking behavior that young women are struggling with so prevalently these days. She knows what she is doing is wrong, and instead of facing it, she is choosing to try and play the victim. I wish I could help you more, but there is likely very little you can do to help her.
Life has a way of teaching people this lesson on its own, though it typically takes a long time before it is learned. Good on you for calling her out.” Responsible-End-6371
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Unless this friend is Superwoman in other ways, I wouldn’t be friends with her anymore.
I don’t associate with people who behave this way (the not being honest part, not the open relationship part). Not saying this describes your friend but I’ve noticed a lot of people who have no problem using others have every complaint in the world about being used by others.” KamatariPlays
Another User Comments:
“This is not about protecting men (or women), or who does what on either side, nor does OP intend to do anything herself. It’s about being open and honest about how someone presents themselves (and their relationships) to others. At the end of the day, there’s always the possibility that either or both parties are lying/misrepresenting themselves.
A friend can express their opinion about what they observe their friend doing, but it doesn’t mean that their friend will agree or necessarily change anything that they’re doing. OP’s friend can do as she chooses (right or wrong) and she would be the one that has to face any potential consequences or repercussions.” No_Patient4465
2. AITJ For Publicly Exposing My Friend's Poor Hygiene?
“My friend (19M) has always had a problem with his hygiene. Let’s call him Jack. Jack would tell me how long he hadn’t showered for as if it was a good thing, and brag about how he “doesn’t smell at all after this long.” I (20M) have spoken to him about it but he always tells me it’s good for his skin if he doesn’t shower for a week or two.
Recently, he’s been starting to smell worse than he did before. Every time I tried to address this to him he tells me that he’s trying to get to one month without showering and that I need to get my “nose checked” because he smells fine.
A few days ago it was one of my friends’ birthday, and since we’re in the same friend group they invited me and Jack to their house, and the other members of our friend group. It was pretty fun, chatting, hanging out, and watching movies but Jack smelled so bad.
And I could tell that my friends noticed because they kept mentioning a “musty” smell in the house but didn’t know what it was. Near the end of our little hangout, my friends were clearly getting horribly affected by the smell of Jack. One of my friends said “I think it’s one of us” as a joke.
Here’s where I messed up. I laughed at his joke and said “I know exactly who it is. Jack’s trying to reach his one-month goal of not showering again. Not even joking.” At that point, my friends realized the source of the smell was coming from Jack.
My friend group is pretty ruthless so they started making all types of jokes about him while laughing like maniacs at each one. And I’m not gonna lie, I was laughing like one too. Jack obviously wasn’t pleased and just left. The next day Jack had blocked me on everything.
I mean I do feel a little bad but at least this might’ve been a wake-up call for him to shower. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Was it mean to make fun of him? Yes. Did he deserve it? Yes. He clearly has no good reason to be doing this.
It’s not a mental or physical health problem, this is an active choice he is making to not take care of himself. You tried to address the issue privately multiple times and he wasn’t getting it. He seemed proud of it before, why does he get embarrassed now?
Did he expect you to just let everyone think your place smells? I can’t imagine what this guy looks like. Not showering for a month?? Bet he doesn’t brush his teeth or wash his hands after using the restroom either. I would not go near him with a ten-foot pole, let alone allow his nasty self in my house, around my food and furniture.” HadesMercedes7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did him a favor. Let’s hope the peer pressure has a positive effect. He has “scent blindness“, the olfactory senses get exhausted after smelling the same scent pretty quickly. (It’s why you can cook bacon and not smell it after a few minutes, then when you leave the house and you return you can smell it again.) He has smelled his funk for so long he can’t detect it.” IllustriousEnd2055
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, maybe this will sound terrible but sometimes people need to experience shame to do better. It seems like today we are in a bit of a society of shameless influencers where anyone can do whatever they want without consequences. Bring back social consequences for bad behavior.” countingcucumbers
1. AITJ For Stepping Down As MOH Due To My Pregnancy?
“I (28F) was asked by my (25F) sister to be the MOH for her wedding that was between a year and a half to 2 years out.
Six months ago, I found out that I am pregnant. My husband and I hadn’t really been actively trying but we weren’t using protection because I’ve been told since I was in my teens that I was unlikely to be able to get pregnant, naturally.
We are overjoyed and our families are, as well! …except for my sister.
A few weeks following my pregnancy announcement, my mom and sister had a conversation about being realistic about whether I would be able to take on all the duties of being her MOH while pregnant and later with an infant.
My sister later spoke with me and told me that if I could not follow through with the duties of being her MOH – it was okay! They could find something else for me to be involved in, with the wedding. (For context, my sister and FBIL’s wedding party is so big that they have two best men and two MOHs) I discussed it with my family and husband…but I ultimately decided that it wasn’t fair to my sister or my child to make a promise to fulfill those duties when I would have a 3-4 month-old infant and was generally unsure if I could do everything she needed of me.
The wedding is two towns away, a 30+ minutes drive, and I would either have to bring the baby with me for the day of the wedding (What bride and bridesmaids want to listen to a baby all day while they are getting ready?) or I would have to leave the baby with someone else (From around 8 that morning to somewhere between 6-8 that night).
So I ultimately pulled out of the wedding party, about 12 months before the date. And intend to help with other things.
The problem is…despite my sister giving me the out and me taking the out….she will not speak to me. She hasn’t spoken to me or answered my calls in about 6 months.
She showed up to my gender reveal and completely ignored me. She ignores me at family dinners, outings, etc. My entire family has told her she is in the wrong and needs to get over it…but I understand that it’s her special day.
But now I’m angry too…because I know that once I have this baby she is going to try to come into my home and act like everything is fine. And I will not allow that to happen. I have had a difficult pregnancy so far…full of complications and sickness.
My sister has been my best friend for years, she was the first person I called when I found out. And she was the one that gave me an out, in the first place.
I needed her too.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m honestly confused by the math.
You got pregnant (I assume you found out around a month after getting pregnant). Then you talked to your sister, who told you it was okay not to be MOH. More time passes. You finally decide not to go to the wedding 14 months before it happens because your baby would be between 3 and 4 months old?
How is it possible? You made the decision, AT THE EARLIEST, when you were 2 months pregnant, with 7 to go. So your baby would be around 7 months at the time of the wedding (HUGE difference when a baby is that young!). So what’s up with that?” TheStraggletagg
Another User Comments:
“Here’s something that my wife and I learned the hard way having our first child (who is now 14 months). Babies make a lot of people weird and crappy. We actually no longer talk to my brothers-in-law because they had a problem with the name we chose (which we had chosen on our third date, 8 years before she was born).
They literally bullied my wife about it. Where once my wife was honestly a surrogate parent and also a friend of theirs, they decided to be jerks. You have something much more important going on. You aren’t trying to make it a big deal in regard to this wedding.
Your sister wants to be a little jerk because she can’t imagine attention not being on her. Take care of your child and yourself and your partner (should they be in the picture). Anything else takes a back seat. And if someone wants to be all butthurt about it, then screw ‘em.
Your child is what matters. Not someone else BEING a child.” canadagooses62
Another User Comments:
“I would try to find a way to look at it from your sister’s perspective if she really means that much to you. It might be painful for her to have to reimagine what her wedding day looks like.
If you guys really were that close she’s probably dreamed of you being a part of her wedding in a major way and seeing that reality fall apart probably sucks. The fact that she gave you a way out and attended your reveal/shower tells me she’s at least still trying to be supportive.
Babies change A LOT of things. I’m not saying your sister is right for acting the way she does, but there’s probably some validity to her feelings and you may just need to give it time. People will tell you not to worry about having a relationship with her, not to let her come back into your life when she feels like it, ignore her, not go to her wedding, etc. At least the end of the day you know yourself and your sister best, but you’re probably both feeling like the other isn’t there for them during a super important time in your lives.” rynknit
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