People Propose Their Worst 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
19. AITJ For Telling My Friend His Kids' Distance Is His Own Fault?
“My friend and I are both older in life, though I am childless. He has two daughters and a son, all late teens/early twenties. We went out for lunch the other day and he commented on how ungrateful his kids are because they don’t spend time with him after everything he did to raise them, especially now that his wife has passed. I told him that while I understood how hurt he must feel, this was a result of his actions, which he had been warned of.
For the record, he was around when the children were growing up but he wasn’t the most involved parent. He got up, went to work before everyone else woke up, came home before everyone else indulged in his hobbies, saw the family for a few minutes, and went to bed every day.
His wife did most of the parenting, from feeding them to taking them to school and attending all activities. She made a point of getting to know all of their friends and learning all of their hobbies, while he did not. She took care of every injury and sickness, never getting a break for herself while he made it clear that he was his top priority.
He very rarely played with the children directly when they were much younger. He always said they needed to learn the importance of independent play and not rely on him for entertainment. He would ignore them asking to spend time with him and very rarely went out of his way to do anything the family would’ve enjoyed. In his words, he didn’t want to “spoil them” and he was “helping them balance their lives.” I had mentioned to him numerous times before that this didn’t seem like it would have any positive effects on them, but he didn’t believe me.
He said they just needed to share his exact hobbies if they wanted to do something together. As someone who grew up with a family like that, I realized that it would most likely just teach the children their father didn’t want anything to do with them and they would stop seeking his attention.
As they got older, they did just that and their mom and I eventually stopped trying to get him to be more involved. He considered them spending time with their mom as spending time with him by extension, so he didn’t realize what he was losing until she was gone.
Now that she’s dead, they have no reason to reach out anymore and have their own lives elsewhere. They keep in touch with me as I’ve always been like an uncle to them and tried to fill in for their dad, but I’m not a total replacement.
After our conversation, he left the restaurant quickly and sent me multiple messages calling me a jerk, demanding I cut contact with his kids to teach them a lesson for disrespecting him. I don’t think I’m in the wrong here but another mutual friend says I’m a jerk for not being more supportive of him while he deals with this and losing his wife.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like my dad, though he and my mom were divorced. But yes, very much “around” but also not. All work, his fun time, and he’d hire people to watch my brother and I. Occasionally we’d do fun stuff, but not often enough.
He didn’t come to…. many, many things. Now that I’m an adult and he is aging, he is suddenly wanting to be closer. I’d tell your friend the same thing I’ve told my dad: You made your bed, and now you have to sleep in it.” fallingintopolkadots
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If he needs his kids’ attention, then he just has to have the same hobbies and interesting order to do something with them…..oh, wait, my bad….it’s too late, for that isn’t it? Your mutual friend should stop since they’re not in the situation and if someone doesn’t want a dose of reality and an I told you so, then they should listen instead of “hear” what you’re saying.” kickrocks2958
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He doesn’t give a crap about his kids. He’s just lonely because he is old and his wife died and he needs the dancing monkeys (aka his kids) to come entertain him. His kids have zero attachment to him because he has already shown them their entire lives how little they matter.
His kids provided no “value” to him growing up so he ignored them. Now they are adults and he expects them to fall all over themselves trying to tend to him. He is the “I had kids just so I have someone to take care of me” dad.” nursepenguin36
18. AITJ For Wanting To Invite My Biological Mom's Family To My Graduation Party?
“I, 18 F graduated high school about a month ago. I’m sure you’re asking why my parents decided to throw a party a month later, the truth is that June was way too busy for everyone, and since I don’t care much about time, we decided to do it on July 6th.
So my stepmom married my dad when I was about 8 or 9, and my mom passed away when I was 13. I’ve barely gotten to see my mom’s family much in my life because she only had limited visitation with my dad starting when I was four, and too preoccupied to notice my existence.
Ever since my mom died I have been able to get back into contact with my mom’s side of the family, I talk to them a lot and I have a lot to learn about my family’s history, but aside from that, I’ve never really been able to see them much since I was little.
Now as for my stepmom’s family, her family gets invited to everything. It’s not like I don’t love them, but they attend to everything, and sometimes it gets a little overwhelming because I feel like sometimes these aren’t people here for me due to our lack of biological relation, but rather here for my stepmom, given the fact they talk to me for a little bit and always go over to her and gossip about whatever someone obscure in the family is doing on social media.
Recently, I’ve been planning my graduation party. I was super excited because this is an event that I get to pay for and customize to be my own, and that also kinda includes who I want at the party. Yesterday my stepmom came into my room and asked me who I was gonna be inviting to the party so she could know who was gonna be coming.
Now usually when this topic comes up, it’s more like “Which friends are you inviting”, but this time, I brought up the fact that maybe my mom’s side of the family could attend, since I haven’t seen them in so long.
I expected her to be a little disappointed, sure, but what I didn’t expect was for her to start yelling asking me if I was being serious, and asked if I hated her family.
I told her no, and that I just wanted my mom’s side of the family to see the accomplishments I made as well, since I hadn’t seen them in a long time, and they didn’t get to attend the actual ceremony, since my stepmom used all 7 spots to invite her family and my dad.
She seemed to get madder and told me that my mom’s side of the family didn’t care about me anyways since they hadn’t talked to me in so long, so why should I invite them? I asked why I couldn’t just invite both families and she said that we didn’t have enough room at our house (which is understandable I guess).
My dad took her side and said that I needed to choose the family that’s been there for me all my life instead of the side that only began to bring back communication with me 4 years ago. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ “What I didn’t expect was for her to start yelling asking me if I was being serious, and asking if I hated her family” Why would you expect that?
It’s completely unreasonable behavior. “I just wanted my mom’s side of the family to see the accomplishments I made as well,” That feels important, you have the right to do that & for them to be proud of you. “… since I haven’t seen them in a long time, and they didn’t get to attend the actual ceremony, *since my stepmom used all 7 spots to invite her family and my dad.”* That’s why she needs to see reason & your Dad should back you to the hilt.
Your mom’s family is a part of your life even though they aren’t part of theirs. Best of luck & I hope you enjoy your party. Congratulations!” Apart-Ad-6518
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you’re paying for the party, then you choose who attends. If they were paying for the party, then I would say invite both families.
They need to learn that you’re an adult now and that you’re going to make decisions they don’t like. They have to get comfortable with that. You may have to negotiate on how many people in your stepmom’s family can join.
I would figure out the maximum capacity and then invite your family and get your stepmom to choose who from her own family. Something you come to learn as you venture into adulthood is the frequency with which you have to accommodate other people even if it is for example your special day.
But you shouldn’t have to give up on what you want, but compromise is something that you will have to do many times in your life and this sounds like one of those times. It’s best to get comfortable with the idea of compromise because it is so a crucial skill, and you’re gonna have many more things like this happen in the future, it’s unavoidable, so can you negotiate what’s best for everyone here, and make reasonably sized compromises where you have to.” Loud-Pie-8189
Another User Comments:
“NTJ “My dad took her side and said that I needed to choose the family that’s been there for me all my life instead of the side that’s only beginning to bring back communication with me 4 years ago. ” .. don’t fall for this nonsense – it is HIS fault there was no contact – HE stole that opportunity from you, and that makes him a jerk.
Ask your mother’s family to host the party for you. You are an adult now.” Aggressive-Mind-2085
17. AITJ For Removing A Neighbor's Clothes From The Public Washing Machine?
“For some context, I am a 16-year-old, living in an apartment complex, where there are public washing machines in every other building.
We usually use the washing machines in the building next to us, since that’s where the closest ones are.
Today is Thursday. I go down with my mother to wash our laundry. One washing machine is done, with clothes still in, while the other two are empty.
Since one of them is broken, residents usually only use the other two washing machines. We load our clothes into the vacant machine and turn it on. At this point, it’s been at least 5 minutes, and the other machine is sitting there, done, with clothes still in, and the owner not there.
We wait for them to come get their clothes. My mom scrolls on her phone, and I walk around the room. After a while, they’re still not here. We agree that it’s best if we put their finished laundry into their laundry bag, which they left on top of the machine.
Keep in mind, that this is a public space. Over the last, like, 10 years, I’ve seen my laundry removed and set aside for me countless times, and have also done it without any uproar. Since there’s water on the ground (probably from the leaking machinery), I drag my basket over and put their bag on top of my clothes.
Then, I start removing their clothes from the machine.
However, while we’re removing the clothes, the door opens, and guess who it is. The owner’s finally here! She looks at me, as I’m removing her clothes, and she’s shocked (potentially flabbergasted). The first thing she says is: “What the heck”, while she pulls out her phone to snap photos of me.
She tells us to step back, and we do. Then, she stated that she was going to report us to the condo owner. My mother begins to speak, reminding her that it’s a public space and that if residents don’t return promptly for their clothes, other residents are free to remove them, and set them aside.
She says that she’s supposedly “1 minute late” and that she had an alarm set. This is wonderful news, considering how we’ve been down here the entire time when it’s been done.
She makes it public that she feels like we’re “hostile” and “aggressive”, as my mother is telling her about public washing room regulations.
I’m just standing there. We move our clothes away and tell her she can touch our clothes if she wants. The woman then begins to reload the SAME clothes that she just washed, BACK INTO THE SAME MACHINE. Is this because she thought my hands were contaminated?
We may never know. My mother records the woman, and she retorts with a quick “Yep, yep you can record me.” After around 10 seconds, she then yells at my mother to stop recording her. Then, after a little bit more bickering, the woman leaves. My mother and I just look at each other, and bring our basket to the next building over to wash the rest of our clothes.
Anyways, yeah, I don’t know how to feel about this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You and your mother were not wrong for removing the woman’s clothes from the public washing machine. It’s a common practice in shared laundry facilities when clothes are left unattended for an extended period, especially when others are waiting to use the machine.
You were considerate enough to put her clothes in her laundry bag, and you were not being hostile or aggressive.” SugarxXxLips
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were following normal shared laundry etiquette — even going as far as to put it into her hamper [ when I lived in the dorms half the time people just piled it on top of machines/through it wherever ].
She responded irrationally and you matched her tone.” GaveUpOnBeingPretty
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Is she new? If someone else needs the machine, they take your stuff out. You waited an appropriate amount of time, and if she cared so much about her clothes that she was going to freak out over someone touching them, she should have sat there and waited or come back a few minutes early.
Instead, she lied.” Stephreads
16. AITJ For Taking In My Partner's Son After Giving Up My Own Child Years Ago?
“To keep a long story short, I got pregnant when I was 15 and was forced to give the baby up. It was a very hard time in my and my family’s life and we just couldn’t take care of another child at that time.
My relationship with my mother became strained after this because she was also a foster child and had a rough childhood. My father was already working 3 jobs to provide for my family and I was not going to place more burden on him. Since I moved out at 18, I have been in low contact with my mom but have a good relationship with my dad and siblings.
I started seeing my current partner 3 years ago. He has a son from a previous relationship and I adore him. We have a good friendly relationship and I got along well with his mother as well. He lived full-time with his mom a state over but would come to visit my partner on breaks, holidays, and long weekends.
Unfortunately, his mother got into an accident and passed away about a month ago. His dad decided to take a week off of work to drive over to help his son pack up his things as he is going to start living with us.
The other day I was catching up with my dad over the phone and I guess I was on speaker because when I was telling my dad about the situation and the fact that my partner’s son would start living with us, I heard my mom start yelling in the background.
She said a lot of hurtful things but luckily I didn’t hear most of it because she was so loud that the speaker wasn’t catching what she was saying. The main things I caught in her fit were her saying that I was gonna go to a bad place for abandoning my daughter but taking in another child now and she called me a lot of inappropriate names that I don’t think I can put on here.
I hung up the call in the middle of her fit and my dad texted me an hour later apologizing but I told him it wasn’t him who needed to apologize. I informed my whole family that I would be going no contact with my mom from then on and that if they wanted to celebrate any holidays with me then my mother would need to be excluded.
I have wished every day of my life since then that I had had the chance to keep my daughter. But I know that the life I would have given her would not have been the best. I understand where my mom is coming from, especially with her trauma from the foster system, and the things she said hurt but I do see the sense in it.
It has made me think that it could be wrong of me to take on this role. Most of my family is on my side besides the super religious people who still shun me for giving up my daughter but could I be the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ No one was able to parent your daughter, including your mother. She had the chance to step up and help and she declined, regardless of the reason. Would your daughter potentially benefit from a relationship with a stable, happy you? Definitely.
And pursue that if you want to. But don’t let your relationship with your partner’s son make you feel guilty. Certainly don’t let your spiteful mother make you feel guilty. Adoption is hard. And it’s trauma. But it isn’t always wrong.” SheaRVA
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, at all. Giving up your daughter for adoption sounds like it was the best choice for you, her, and your family at that time, painful though it must have been and to some extent will always be. But that one decision at age 15 did not in any way constitute your promise to never again be a parent, either through taking in a partner’s child or having more of your own someday (or both, should you choose.) The foster system can be terrible, and you are kind to note how much your mother is still troubled by her experiences.
But (a) giving up a child for adoption is NOT the same as putting a child in the foster care system, (b) she ought to have understood that your daughter’s childhood with a 15-year-old mother and an impoverished and overworked extended family would have had been fraught at best, and most importantly, (c) your mother’s trauma, however harsh, does not justify her browbeating you about the adoption, about taking care of another child, or any of this business.
She’s piling her issues onto you while you work hard to create a life for yourself, which is what makes her the jerk. You have done the right thing in going to NC, not only for your own sake but also for the little boy who is entering your life.
Good look building a happier future and a family of your own, no matter what shape it takes.” MonarchOfDonuts
15. AITJ For Not Sharing My Food With My Spoiled Younger Sister?
“I’m (17m) the second youngest in my family. I have two sisters and a brother, Jessie (23f), Caden (21m) and Luna (14f). This post is about Luna. We’re the only two siblings still living at home and our parents do provide us with food and stuff.
But my parents aren’t big on chocolate or candies so they never buy them. We can buy our own with our own money once we’re old enough to earn some, which is what I do. My parents also have a very bland palate. They don’t like curries or stir fries with sauce, they don’t do anything spicy at all.
Not even a touch of spice. But I love those things. So sometimes I buy stuff to make those things and make curry for myself or I’ll make spicy chicken.
So onto Luna. She’s the baby of the family and our parents spoiled her way more than the rest of us.
They let her get away with being a brat to people and she’s not someone I like being around and neither do our older siblings. She always wants to tell us what to do and she demands things. One time my parents were away at a wedding and Jessie and Caden came home to “babysit” which was just my parents saying they could stay at the house and eat for free because they paid for it and make sure Luna and I were okay.
This was last year and Luna screamed so loud the neighbor came out to see if we were okay, and it was all because she wanted pizza while we wanted ramen. Luna said we couldn’t have ramen and we all needed to get pizza. She tried taking the money out of Jessie’s hand.
She tried to break Jessie and Caden’s phones. She even screamed at the neighbor that we wouldn’t let her get pizza. Caden found a frozen pizza and Luna screamed more that it wasn’t what she wanted.
Another time Caden was home from college and she demanded he take her to her friend’s house because mom and dad weren’t home.
She pulled him out of bed. She threatened to break his laptop. Everything.
She’s always telling me to do stuff for her and screaming when I say no. So I never buy her anything from what I earn because I honestly don’t feel like she deserves it.
Lately, she’s been getting so jealous of the food I buy myself and she told me to save some for her. I told her no. She told me I couldn’t tell her no and I said I could and I did and I’ll do it again.
She screamed into my face and demanded I give her some of my food. I said no. She has food in the fridge. She ran and told our parents and like they always do, they backed her and told me I should be willing to share.
I told them I would share when she treats me better and gets a way better attitude.
My parents and Luna are mad. Luna called me a jerk and my parents said I wasn’t being generous like they taught me to be.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Luna needs to learn that yelling doesn’t always get her whatever she wants. Otherwise, she’s going to have a rude awakening someday. > My parents said I wasn’t being generous like they taught me to be Yet they taught Luna it’s okay to yell at people and threaten to break their stuff?
Yikes.” refer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ But you need to sit your parents down for a serious talk. Start by telling them that Luna is your sister, not your daughter, and it isn’t your responsibility to feed, clothe, house, or entertain her, and that you are not going to spend your hard-earned cash on her.
However, let them know you are willing to make enough for Luna to also eat what you cook, so long as they are willing to buy the ingredients. Tell them that they aren’t the great parents they think they are when it comes to their youngest. They need to realize they have raised a spoiled brat and that if they don’t take the proper steps now, she is going to be unmanageable by the time she turns 16.
Tell them that giving in just to shut her up isn’t doing Luna any favors. Peace isn’t bought by bribery; eventually, the cost becomes too great, but by that time, it’s generally far too late to fix things. Which they will find out once you have moved out and are no longer acting as a buffer between them and their precious princess.” Broken-Druid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you owe her nothing. Tell your parents that you aren’t rewarding bad behavior. Who cares if the 3 of them are mad? Laugh in their faces and go about your life. Hide anything that doesn’t require refrigeration in your room. When she attempts to help herself, tell her no and remove it from her.
If they don’t respect the bounty don’t cook anything else. That sucks for you but you won’t have to put up with them for much longer. Sorry, your parents suck.” BenedictineBaby
14. AITJ For Feeling Annoyed At My Partner's Childhood Nanny Who Has Overstayed Her Visit?
“I am a female with a long-time partner. During a difficult time, we decided to find a house that we could afford.
Coincidentally, the place where we found our house is just 30 minutes away from my partner’s childhood
nanny, and they’re still in contact. She says that she will visit when we are all settled in our new home. We started living there around Feb 26 and the nanny visited March 1 the same year. It’s all good at the start thinking that she will just be there for a maximum of two weeks.
Sadly, I’m wrong. Three months passed and she’s still there. I asked my partner, “I thought she would just be visiting but it’s already three months, and she’s still here. When is she gonna go home?”. He says he doesn’t know. She does most of the housework.
She says that it’s normal for her to do that every day
In the sixth month, she’s still there. We are afraid to tell her to move out because she is an old woman and we will look and feel awful if we tell her to move out.
We decided to give her a monthly allowance as she’s doing almost all the housework. We are working on our jobs (WFH). Mind you that we don’t tell her what to do, she just does it out of
her own accord. We are just free to do things after work.
Two years passed and my annoyance with her started to grow. There are several reasons. First, there are decisions in the house that my partner and I have disagreements with and she also has her own opinion on those matters. I think that those matters should only be settled between the couple.
Second, she likes to collect junk. She likes to collect instant noodle cups that she uses as drinking cups even though we have several drinking glasses at home. She also collects the big mineral water bottles from the neighbor to use as water jugs even if we already have two water jugs at home.
It came to a point that we already have five jugs from our neighbor and our own two water jugs, so a total of seven. It’s a pain to see as those are unnecessary things to
collect, two is enough. I asked the neighbor to not give their empty mineral water bottles to her and they agreed.
Third, I am unable to move in the living room/kitchen because she murmurs all the time. She sleeps in the living room because the second bedroom is upstairs and she’s old and it’s hard to go up and down every time. Understandable, but when I try to cook or do something in the kitchen, She’s non-stop murmuring.
Also, she’s sometimes singing something like when I’m cooking, she sings “She’s cooking, she’s cooking”. I think she doesn’t know that she’s speaking already or singing what’s on her mind. It’s incredibly annoying and because of that, I only go down when I am about to go to the office, to the restroom, or to eat.
Fourth, I learned that she keeps on telling our neighbor that I don’t do housework (check the third reason why). AITJ”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. YTJ. YTJ. How in the world is this person who was supposed to come to your house to **visit** has been living with you for two years??
Either your partner had a deal with her behind your back or you both are dormant. How does a person live under your roof for two years without you having a conversation about what’s going on? This has to be fake.” Otherwise_Degree_729
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because it’s just so incredibly embarrassing of you. Some woman is living on your couch and not only is she not paying rent, *you* are paying *her* because she cleans sometimes. I genuinely think you have no room to complain because you put yourselves in this situation when you likely had a billion opportunities to talk to her like an adult and resolve it.
You either need to accept that she lives there now, so is going to mix her stuff in with yours and complain about your lack of housework, or get her out. (I realize this is probably fake but just in case)” stophittingthyself
13. AITJ For Leaving My Friends Stranded After They Made Me Wait For Hours?
“I (23F) met my friend (23F) in a class at our college last semester. I’ll call her Jess (fake name). She was a fun classmate, but she was not someone who I saw as a long-term friend.
Last Saturday, Jess called & asked if I wanted to go to the lake with her and our other friend (24F, “Mary”) on Sunday to hang out with some other friends. I agreed and offered to drive because it was a longer distance (≈50 mins) and I preferred to.
She enthusiastically agreed and we decided I’d pick them up at 2:30 pm.
I spent my entire Sunday morning cleaning my car, washing and styling my hair, and getting myself ready to go.
2:00 pm – I sent Jess a text, having not heard from her all day, saying that I was almost ready and would be on time.
No response. I figured that her phone died (which happens a lot) and that she’d text when she charged it.
2:30 pm – I still hadn’t received a response and was getting annoyed, preparing myself for the inevitable influx of apology texts and excuses.
2:50 pm – After still hearing nothing, I did what I should have done earlier and I called Mary asking her what was going on (I knew they had been at the store together earlier that day). To my surprise, she said that they were still at the store and would be ready in 30 minutes.
I said that it was alright, but my frustration was evident in my voice. I planned to leave at 3:10 because I was picking them up about 15 mins away.
3:30 pm – I pull up to Jess’s driveway and don’t see her car there. I sent a text telling Jess I was there, and she responded 10 minutes later saying they were “almost done”.
I am immediately annoyed because I have now wasted an hour waiting for them and there’s no end in sight.
4:00 pm – I was fuming at this point, and I knew that I had no interest in going anymore. I send Jess a text saying the following:
“Hey, girl! I am so sorry but I’ve been waiting for like an hour and a half for you guys and I’m pretty frustrated so I think I should head home and not come today. Thanks again for the invite and I hope you guys have fun!!”
Right after sending that text, I received a call from Jess with her and Mary begging for me to come back because they didn’t have a ride (they were literally IN JESS’S CAR???). I held my ground and told them that I’d already made other plans (a lie) and that I was sorry but I wasn’t going to come.
We go back and forth a few times but it ends with them telling me that I “ruined their day” and that they are now “forced” to cancel their plans and “disappoint everyone”.
I don’t have any interest in maintaining this friendship, but I tried to be as kind as possible to not burn bridges.
Am I justified to feel frustrated or is this just something that most people would be flexible with? I’m kinda neurodivergent and I struggle with plans being changed, so I know this could be an overreaction but am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ They had no respect for you or your time, you wasted your whole afternoon because of their lack of organization. You’re doing them a favor by picking them up, so they should be on time and keep you updated. >Right after sending that text, I received a call from Jess with her and Mary begging for me to come back because they don’t have a ride Funny how they didn’t even say they wanted to see you and spend time with you.
No, they were worried about their cab.” PandaCotton
Another User Comments:
“NTJ An hour and a half is way too long to mess someone around. If they couldn’t be bothered keeping you updated, that’s on them, and you are 100% correct there. They had a car, you didn’t ruin anything they just didn’t want to pay for fuel.” Top_Most_3528
12. AITJ For Not Buying Milk When It Wasn't My Responsibility?
“I’m a 19 y/o living with my mom and her partner. I study and get a scholarship, have gotten a job or two over time (though extremely short term) and overall I’m having a decent enough life.
Problems arise when it comes to living together though, I don’t have many duties.
Just clean the bathroom on Sunday and look out for the kitchen every morning. I wake up and clean the dishes for everyone, then I take out the trash and sweep the floor and clean crumbs or the stove (we don’t have like a regular stove it’s those fancy, black thingie ones, I forget the word) if there’s oil on it or it looks decrepit.
I’ve gotten several corrections which upset my mom’s partner but she has told him that she didn’t teach us barely anything so we have to learn now (?). Regardless, I just kept doing stuff taking those into account.
(note by us I mean me and my younger sibling)
However, I keep doing things wrong since he sees there keeps being crumbs (I swear this has to be someone coming in later) and I keep forgetting to sweep where the trash can is which to be fair is probably accurate.
The real issue arrived today when my mom ran out of rice milk or almond milk (I don’t know what struck her fancy this time) and she asked her partner to look out for things since he works from home.
He called me and my sibling out instead, mentioning what I said before and that he always had to bear the burden of the crumbs and such as well as the fact that we spent four days without regular milk.
It seems he didn’t buy any to see if we noticed and did, of course, I noticed. However, since he usually buys milk for his daughter and no one will perish without milk I assumed that it just wasn’t needed. He made a couple of shopping trips here and there and specifically didn’t buy milk so I kept assuming something changed and he didn’t need it.
I didn’t want to buy milk just for myself either.
But from his POV, I had failed the test by not buying it and didn’t notice at all proving once more my selfish and disorganized ways.
For more context, groceries need to be bought overall but they kept saying they needed to and would so I just, hoped that would be the case, eventually, someday.
Now, my mom is saying that once my sibling leaves (long story) she’ll just move with me since this isn’t working and that she’s already told us how our attitude is affecting her relationship to no avail.
I don’t know how to feel since there are always these situations where I think I’m doing things correctly for the longest time and it turns out that I am not, plus the times when I’m supposed to “notice” something, I rationalize that it’s there for a reason and then fail.
My sibling on the other hand is claiming it’s my turn to do things that I’ve done every day while she was unconscious during the morning- which, is, ok. I guess”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It doesn’t sound like grocery shopping was your chore. If there’s no milk, why would it fall on you to buy more without being asked?
If the guy wanted milk, it seems the smart move would’ve been to walk/drive himself to the store to buy it. Less effect would be waiting to see if anyone in the house notices. All that does is set him against everyone else in the house and build resentment.” NotCreativeAtAll16
11. AITJ For Solving A Space Issue So My Cousin Could Bake A Cake?
“My family has a tradition of spending the week of Memorial Day together on a vacation property that’s jointly owned by several family members.
It includes a day-long picnic/cookout that involves 8-20 family members.
While discussing logistics, my cousin Jesse (22F) announced that she was going to bake a cake. Immediately, our aunt Beatrice (73F) became insistent that Jesse not make this cake. She’d have to bake it the day before, but there wasn’t anywhere to store it.
She shot down any ideas from Jesse and her mom, Marie (51F).
When I (38F) spoke to Jesse later, she confided in me that she felt “stupid” for buying the cake ingredients already because she knew Beatrice would find an excuse to stop her from making it.
She wanted to contribute this year because – despite being an adult with a full-time job – everyone still treated her like she was a kid who couldn’t be trusted to do anything. She wanted to prove them wrong.
I reminded her that Beatrice’s concerns were about the lack of safe food storage, not about trust in Jesse’s abilities, but she wasn’t buying that.
To be honest, I thought Beatrice’s arguments were flimsy at best. However, as a preteen/teen, I spent a few summers with Beatrice’s family to attend a cool summer camp with my cousin Conner (38M) who was born the same year as me. And during this time, I came to resent Beatrice.
It was like she would say “no” to us for no reason, basically just so we’d know she’s the boss. For example, at breakfast, she’d ask what I wanted to drink, only to insist I needed to drink something else. Ask for milk? No, you have to have OJ.
Ask for OJ. No, milk. She’d do this with everything; it was especially annoying when it came to activities. Anyway, I am an adult now and can admit my view of her is biased, so I didn’t say anything to Jesse about it.
Instead, I looked at the problem: the tiny countertop.
I realized that while there was limited horizontal space, there was plenty of vertical space, especially over the snack bowl area, which wasn’t big enough to serve as a prep area anyway. And that gave me an idea.
So, the next morning, I measured twice and went out to quest for a pantry stand (stuff can go under it, and it gives a little ‘shelf’ to put stuff above), and found one that fit over the snack bowl.
I showed it to Marie when I got back and got her permission to set it up. And Jesse was able to bake her cake.
Beatrice was not pleased by this development, sulking and rolling her eyes whenever the cake was mentioned.
Several cousins have since accused me of being a jerk here because it “wasn’t my place” to fix the space issue, as it wasn’t the problem, and I should’ve known she didn’t want me to fix it.
I maintain that Beatrice shouldn’t have lied about what the problem was, to begin with.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ See this is the exact application where elaborate, expensive, and/or exhausting passive aggression is fully called for. You Maliciously Complied. Was it deliberate and a bit spiteful?
Eh- ok sure fine yeah. But Beatrice is the jerk here. Obviously. You enabled a cake to happen. You made cuz feel a bit better. Jerk auntie had to eat her own BS objections for once. Justice was quite literally served. Sounds like your family is just whining about it not being “your place” now because B is a full-blown crazy pant, and they know darn well she’s gonna be just insufferable for at least a month now because that’s what happens whenever she’s forced to absorb even the tiniest L.
My moms the same way. I know how this all goes down lol. Anyway, Screw ”em- This was funny and well-served. I am the 1st person to dole out a heavy-handed ‘everyone sucks’; but not this time. NTJ all day.” Luhdk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
For those flying monkeys, erm I mean relatives, who are stupid enough to call you a jerk for helping your cousin, they can pound sand. You came up with a solution that didn’t involve any permanent alterations, and you secured an owner’s permission.
Bea didn’t even object, just resentfully made her opinion known at being shown for the obstructionist controlling person she is.” AgitatedJacket9627
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your aunt was the one who lied and gave some dumb excuse instead of being honest. She’s just contrary.
I have family members like this. Whatever you say, they will argue against it. Doesn’t matter what it is. She’s determined to just ruin all over everyone else to make herself feel better/more important. Whatever, it must be a miserable existence for her. What you did was great in my opinion.
You took her publicly stated excuse at face value, so she can’t be mad. I would just play dumb with the other family members. The woman wants to play stupid games, and this is the result. But honestly, the best thing you could do is just give Jessie some advice about dealing with people like this in the future.
The advice I wish someone had told me. Just don’t announce your intentions, ever. Want to bake a cake? Just bake it and bring it! Then you’re being thoughtful and kind showing up with a gift, and if your aunt gets mad she’s the one being ungrateful.
That’s how I’ve learned to handle it. Play dumb, do what I want anyway, and never announce intentions in advance. They can’t fight you on everything if they don’t know everything, you know?” T00narmy1
10. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Rehome Her Aggressive Rescue Cat?
“While at work my sister (25f) found a 6-8-month-old kitten.
My sister brought her home and we were thankfully able to save her. We found out that the cat was pregnant and was going to give birth. Almost a month after this the cat, named Monkey, gave birth.
After this happened things went south. Over the next few months, Monkey became extremely aggressive towards our other cats and actively chased them/harmed them.
My sister brushed it off and said “It’s not that big of a deal, the cats fight all the time.” Our other cats for the most part play fight, they’re very gentle and if it goes too far and one of them doesn’t want to participate, we break it up.
The only one who is a bit more of a pain is my orange cat, Peaches, who occasionally hisses and swipes.
Monkey went after my other cat, Chester. Chester is my baby boy and is also my step-grandma’s cat. She is in a nursing home.
I promised I would take great care of him and keep him safe since all of her other pets sadly had to be rehomed as well. Chester means a lot to our family and is widely regarded as the whole house’s cat. He is very gentle.
To give you an example, a grasshopper got inside the house one day and spooked him because it jumped too high.
I was sitting in the living room talking to my mother about how work was when Monkey saw him. She got a hold of Chester and began attacking him.
She chased him up the wall and when I was able to grab her my poor baby went and hid under our dining room table until I threw Monkey outside. My mother went and checked on him while I went and woke my sister. She immediately went to Monkey’s defense and said that he must’ve done something to provoke her.
She then slammed her door and went back to bed.
Days later the same thing happened except I couldn’t find Chester afterwards. I wasn’t too concerned since he is an indoor/outdoor cat. He knows his way home and never goes beyond our yard but after a few days, he didn’t come home.
My sweet boy who can’t even fight a gra*******r, was gone. My whole family chewed up my sister over this, demanding she get rid of the cat. She said that it was HER cat and since “Peaches is aggressive why haven’t we gotten rid of her?”
Thankfully today, after a full month of missing Chester was found. He is safe and resting at my feet while I type this.
I tried to explain to her that Monkey would thrive in a one-cat home and it’s not like our shelter is a kill shelter.
She is a sweet cat and I do enjoy Monkey’s company from time to time but other than that, I see no point in keeping her here. My sister has grown attached to her but, Monkey is stressed and is taking it out on our other cats.
Am I the jerk for telling my sister to get rid of her cat?”
Another User Comments:
“I’d like to start this by saying that I think you and your family should talk with your sister: saving animals is a great thing, and all of you are great people for doing that.
But a huge part of successfully saving an animal is offering them the best possible solution to live the best life they possibly can. And taking in too many animals can be (As it is in Monkey’s case) bad for every party involved. I wanted to say this after you said that there’s no space anymore in your home between your family and the animals.
With that being said, in this specific case it seems like your sister might be someone who can very well nurse an animal back to health, but after that leaves the day-to-day care to everyone else (I assume this from the instance in which you said that she slammed the door to her room after you informed her of what happened without retrieving her cat).
Your sister needs to be more responsible for every single animal she brings home and ensure that everyone has a happy and comfortable life. If Monkey is so aggressive, for whatever reason, she’s not comfortable at the moment, she’s not happy. Your sister needs to take care of this: she either enlists the help of someone (vet – cat expert – whatever ) to understand what is making her cat so aggressive and how to help her, or she rehomes the cat to a loving family who has the means to do that for her.
Since rehoming might not be the solution to her aggressiveness.” Odd_Ad_3117
Another User Comments:
“Monkey and all of his trappings need to reside solely in your sister’s room. It isn’t fair to your other cat. And since Monkey is the aggressor, Monkey is the one to be exiled. He’ll feel better too, to be away from other cats that stress him out.
Don’t suggest that your sister get rid of Monkey. Tell her this instead. If your sister loves Monkey she’ll want him to not be stressed. Because it isn’t fair to him either.” Global_Look2821
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – so happy for you that Chester came home safe.
I get you wanting your cat to be healthy and safe but your sister wants the same for Monkey. Is there a way you can split the house for them or consider a catio? Is everyone neutered? Might be worth talking to an animal behaviorist – what happened to the kittens?
Did they die or get rehomed? Has Monkey been vetted? There are a whole lot of things you can try before jumping to rehome someone’s pet cat. If the main touch point is Monkey and Chester and Monkey has learned to tolerate the other cats, your sister would be equally valid in asking you to rehome Chester.” Timely_Egg_6827
9. AITJ For Wanting To Have An Opinion On Our Daughter's Name?
“I (28f) am 8 months pregnant with my wife, Ella (26f) and I’s first child. A little background, my family has a tradition where the eldest daughters have an alternating pattern of two letters that begin their first name (for example, Vivian-Tessa-Violet-Tory). My wife’s family has a tradition that the eldest girl’s name ends with a certain four letters (we’ll go with -Ella for an example).
My wife has been vetoing my name suggestions left and right for the entire 4 months we’ve known that we’re having a girl. I’ve suggested everything I can think of from my tradition with my wife saying no to every one of them except ones she knows I despise before redirecting me to names from her own family’s tradition.
The issue is there are no names between our two traditions that would work, with a very limited number of names being names in the first place. What we have to work with are names that look like amalgamations of two names. (Think of something along the lines of Veronicella.) It’s gotten to where I tried to suggest a name last week and she cut me off on the first syllable and suggested names from her tradition instead.
My suggestions are not outrageous either, they’re very normal names, maybe a few of them a bit out there but nothing too unusual. And I’m not unreasonable, I understand that we’ll honor both traditions, but both cannot fit in the first name together without being some amalgamation of a normal name with her family’s tradition stuck on at the end.
I’ve tried suggesting having one of our traditions be the middle name and she’s turned that down and told me to stick to my own family’s tradition and she’ll stick to hers.
Two days ago, I suggested a name I’d been holding off on suggesting because I liked it, and I knew it would hurt to have it vetoed like I knew she would since I’ve liked that name since I was a kid.
She told me that the name was “disgusting and awful and she would never agree to it over her dead body”. She then went off on me, yelling at me that she regrets going through everything to have a baby with me because, in her own words, “You’re becoming a real meanie about these stupid baby names.
I should name the baby alone anyway, since you’re the one who carried it, to make the marriage is even.”
She then just stopped talking to me and left for her brother’s house over an hour away. I tried to text her this morning once I was certain we’d both have calmed down, asking why I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion on our daughter’s name, but she didn’t read or respond to it.
We have a deadline of 4 weeks until our daughter comes out, and she won’t even talk to me at all. Our mutual friend group doesn’t want to touch the discussion with a ten-foot pole and say it’s between me and my wife.
So, AITJ for wanting to have an opinion in our daughter’s name, or am I overstepping since I’m the one who’s pregnant and she’s not and just let her get the name as her own decision?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here Your traditions are stupid. What I said is not nice, it’s judgmental and disrespectful (I know) but that’s all I take from your whole post. If you have to choose between crappy names or names you don’t like, maybe it’s time to throw family traditions out the window and settle for a name you both like.
You’ve been trying and failing for months. It wouldn’t be fair for either of you to have more of a say, you’ll have to find a compromise. Watch out for false compromises that end up building resentment.” PandaCotton
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Careful, you might be getting a preview of how trying to parent with your wife is going to be.
Is it normally her way or the highway? Either way, being verbally abusive and running away from your very pregnant wife is a jerk move. You said you have support coming, including MIL. If you think she might support you in tossing both traditions, I might talk to her about how your wife is treating you over her family’s name tradition.
As to the ‘making it fair’ argument, that is just about the dumbest thing I’ve heard.” Ryukai0424
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’m wondering what’s going on for her as she seems to be acting like a jerk. Is she worried or fearful about what lies ahead for you both?
She sounds quite immature and I wonder if there are other emotions underlying her anger and bad behavior that she isn’t articulating. For example, jealousy because you are carrying the baby, anxiety around being a parent, or something else.” Vee64x
8. AITJ For Being Upset My Fiance Wants To Split His Inheritance With His Late Father's Partner?
“My fiance and I currently live together (in the home he bought before we met). We have been together for about 3 years.
He was struggling with financial issues for a while since he had to get a new job and take a pay cut. I’m pretty successful and had a lot of savings sitting around, so I helped pay his bills for a few months before moving in.
He did pay me back for this. He had a lot of credit card debt and that’s impossible to get out of just paying the minimum, so I paid off all his CC debt and he now pays me back monthly. There are no trust issues-I know I’ll get all the money back.
Fast forward to last Christmas, his dad unfortunately passed away. They didn’t have much of a relationship, but his dad didn’t have a will, so my fiance became executor and technically inherited “everything”. His dad lived with his partner for two years but left nothing to her.
He did leave his retirement account and life insurance to his niece whom no one had ever heard of; she inherited $150k and no one knows why and had never met her. Anyways–my fiance has been the executor and just sold his dad’s house. After paying all the debts, he anticipates having about $100k left. I was super excited that despite the situation, he would be able to pay off all his debt (car loan, student loans, me, etc.).
We also needed to do some renovations to the house and had some things we had been wanting to do, etc. We figured all the debts and expenses would be about $60k.
We were chatting and he tells me that he probably won’t be able to pay it all off.
I asked what he meant because it was plenty of money. He stated he was going to split the money 50/50 with his dad’s partner. I’m baffled and we have been fighting about this frequently. I’m not saying he should disregard the partner, but 50/50 seems ridiculous to me.
He could at least do 60/40 and be able to pay everything he needs to, but he insists I have no say in this and he has made his decision. They weren’t married and the dad left nothing to her (instead having his niece as the beneficiary on most things).
My fiance also gave the partner his dad’s HD motorcycle for free since that was what they enjoyed doing together. I said he should at least factor that in and still do 60/40 since he gave her a free motorcycle. He just says no and ends the conversation.
I’m pretty upset that he has the opportunity to get out of his poor financial situation but is choosing not to. I feel annoyed that I had to help him with bills and debt, but it seems like he can’t even help himself. I can appreciate helping someone else in need, but he should look out for himself first.
Should I keep my distance and not worry about it since he’s the executor and I’m not? AITJ for consistently bringing it up and not being grateful that he’s a good guy who cares about the partner too?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ *Should I keep my distance and not worry about it since he’s the executor and I’m not?* Yes.
He’ll be able to pay off a good chunk of his debt to you and other bodies. You trust that he’ll pay you back in time so cool off and let him finish dealing with the estate the way he sees fit” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, this is his decision, and feels bad the partner was left nothing. The bottom line is it does not matter what you think he should do, this is his decision. Sounds like you are both on different pages as far as finances and financial management go and that may be something you and he sit down and work out before considering anything permanent in so far as your relationship goes.” many_hobbies_gal
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. his dad, his inheritance, his say. Your opinion, your hopes, your wishes. Notice the difference? Your fiance sounds like a decent guy who refuses to disregard his partner. So take a step back, take deep breaths, and calm yourself. believe me, the way you now act will be a deciding factor if he will marry you or not since it will show him your ‘ugly side’ if circumstances change and he opposes your wishes.” Tessa_Kamoda
7. AITJ For Refusing To Return To My Toxic Family Home To Support My Siblings?
“My “family”, if you can even call it that, is a mess.
I’m (20m) the youngest. I have two full bio siblings Nate (23m) and Lucy (21f). I have three half-siblings also. They would all be in their 30s now. We all share a dad, who was married twice, and widowed from my half-siblings mom. And the thing is, as much as he married again and had three more of us, he has been hung up on his wife the whole time, has been really toxic and unhealthy toward all of us and my mom has followed the toxic after him.
Some of the messed up things my dad has done: Claimed all of us were the kids of his first wife, tried naming Lucy after his first wife as a junior, tried to make his former ILs play pretend with Nate, Lucy, and me, and called us their grandkids and them our grandkids.
He has told me, Luce and Nate that he never loved our mom, that she’s nothing compared to his first wife, he has talked about how sick it makes him feel when he looks at us and realizes we’re someone else’s kids. He has cried to us that we’re so unfair existing as not her kids even though we didn’t make ourselves.
He even showed up to his and my mom’s wedding anniversary and got up to make a toast about how much he loves and misses his wife and confessed to wearing his first wedding ring and pawning his ring from mom. He also refused to put up any photos in the home that came after his wife died.
So like I said, toxic mess. Our half-siblings want nothing to do with us and I don’t know if any of us have heard from them in a decade realistically.
My mom stays married and will act like things are just fine. When I tried supporting her and sayings she should leave she told me I don’t understand adult relationships and marriage and cussed at me so I was like you know what, screw it.
My siblings chase after Dad’s love and affection. It’s so toxic and unhealthy. They still live with their parents and refuse to move out and be away from their dad. They don’t pay much attention to Mom unless dad isn’t around and sometimes neither are around.
My siblings started reaching out to me more a couple of months ago. They asked me to visit, said they missed me, and said we needed family time and stuff. I told them I wasn’t going back. They told me how lonely they are and how much they need me to be there for them, to support them.
They said it’s awful living the way they are. I told them I know but that’s why I got out and why they need to. They told me I needed to come home and help make our family work. They told me I owed them support.
I told them it’s not my job to be there for them or support them or whatever. I told them I would not go back into that toxic mess for them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It is not your job to suffer because your siblings don’t want to wallow alone.
This is an example of misery misery-loving company. They likely see you getting away, living your life, and escaping the toxicity while they’re still there looking for something from your dad that they’ll never get and they hate that. Keep going the way you’re going and don’t let them drag you back, now that you’re freeing yourself.
Good luck and remember that the family you choose is what matters.” Beneficial_Local1012
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Such a toxic situation. I’m so sorry. Sometimes the best solution when things get too toxic is to go no contact. Whether that’s best for you is not for me to decide, but I can see that you wouldn’t be a jerk for doing it.
And you also wouldn’t be a jerk for any limits short of going no-contact. When they say “Come home”, I assume that they are asking you to move back into the house. No! That would be a big step backward. At age 20, your job is to go out into the world and learn how to be independent.
Moving home is the opposite of that. If you can handle short visits, that’s fine, but it’s **up to you**. Don’t accept any guilt. As you say, it is not your job to support them or move back in with them. You might tell them that it’s also their job to go out into the world and learn to be independent.
I have no idea what exactly you should do. All I know is that nothing you have described makes you the jerk.” SushiGuacDNA
6. AITJ For Refusing To Sell My Mom's Camera To Fund Her Gambling Addiction?
“My mom has a severe gambling addiction. I’ve watched her lose thousands of dollars and tried to stop her, but it’s out of control. This all started when her mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and only had two weeks to live. Since then, my mom has been on a downward spiral.
A few important details:
1. My mom bought a $500 camera with her mom’s life insurance money. It was something she always wanted, and it meant a lot to her.
2. My rent increased by $200/month last year, making it hard for me to afford food. My mom knows how much I’ve been struggling.
Despite earning more and having her partner’s income, we split the bills evenly. I spend $500 of my $700 monthly income on rent, while my mom gets around $1800/month, and her partner has a full-time job, a government grant, government assistance, and child tax benefits.
Yesterday, we talked about money, and my mom said the extra $200/month for rent was nothing to her and not to worry about it.
So I paid $300 for rent, and she said that was fine. However, this morning she was screaming at 7 AM about needing money for a bazaar event, and then I heard her yelling about not landing on a specific number because she was “trying to earn rent money” When she told me last night it was fine.
She must have already lost some and so now she was trying to earn it back. She then asked me to sell her camera at a pawn shop because she hadn’t used it. I think she’s going to gamble the money away, and we ended up yelling at each other, making my little brother cry.
My mom blames me for making my problems her problems and for them not going to the event. In reality, even if I sold the camera, she could lose the money gambling. He thinks it’s my fault because he loves and believes his “mom.” And he thinks it’s my fault he’s not going, and he is possibly right.
I might be the jerk because I argued with my mom. Additionally, I’m not willing to sell the camera, which she doesn’t use, potentially causing her to miss out on the event she wants to attend. Because I know her, she has wanted one her entire life.
She finally has a good one, and she might lose it for like 10 seconds of nothing. I might come across as unsympathetic to her struggles, even though I’m just trying to protect her and my brother.
There’s also a high chance if she goes to this event, she will run into my cousin.
The two of them haven’t spoken in a year and a half since my cousin stopped talking to us, which has caused my mom a lot of internal stress. I think going to this event altogether is a bad idea, and she is desperately seeking some kind of drama.
I altogether think it’s crazy but I, like usual, feel very bad. She doesn’t even want to be the one to go into the pawn shop and sell it herself; everything always needs to be done by me. Then it’s my fault when it goes wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you’re the jerk, but I also think if you’re over 18 you need to get a different job and move out so you can heal from the trauma your mom’s gambling addiction has caused you. I see why you wouldn’t give her the camera, you’re just trying to control the situation and minimize damage.
It’s really common for kids with unstable parents to do this. Unfortunately, though those are her choices you can’t make any of them for her.” acatnamedpants
Another User Comments:
“ESH. She is trying to get you to buy into responsibility for her gambling problem.
If she wants to sell the camera, then SHE can. It’s not your job to sell it for her, just as it’s not your job to keep her from selling her property if she wishes. However, you also know that she is addicted and so is undependable.
You’re in a tough spot but it sounds like you need to find more ways out of it than depending on your mom to have money. It sounds like you need to be able to move out and support yourself independently from them. As you are now, you’re in a slowly closing trap.
I don’t know how old you are or what your circumstances are, are you in school and can only hold a part-time job, and that’s why your income is so low? Can you apply for financial aid through the school? Are you disabled and your income is disability benefits?
Any ability to get another or better job? Any ability to move out and rent with friends?” quats555
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You need to stop enabling your mother. If she wants the camera pawned then she needs to do it herself stop doing the things she asks that you know will go badly and she’ll blame you for.
That’s what she wants. It’s not her fault if you did it so she isn’t the problem, it’s you that’s the problem. Stop giving her that. I see in a comment you replied that you’re 26. Get out of her house.
Find someone who will let you room with them for a bit so you can breathe and save money. How old is your little brother? You need a stable place in case he needs to be away from her as well. Find a support group for children of addicts and start getting help.
She’s not going to even try to get help until she hits rock bottom and when she does, do not let her move in with you or move back in with her. She needs a few years of being better before you should trust her again.” New_Shallot_7000
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend My Half-Sister's Birthday Dinner?
“My (17m) half-sister (almost 27f) is turning 27 in two weeks.
Her husband and his family and my half-brother (25m) have planned a birthday dinner for her and the in-laws invited my parents, her mom and stepdad, and me. Her husband then suggested it might be better if I stayed home since I’m not old enough to drink.
But I know the real reason for the suggestion is my half-siblings don’t want anything to do with me. They don’t want my dad around either but he gets invited because my mom wouldn’t go without him. She also wouldn’t ever leave me behind from normal stuff so they invited me but they normally didn’t talk to me or only said basic hi and bye if they had people who’d question it, like mom.
My mom genuinely believes things are better now that they’re older. That I’m a sibling in their eyes. But I know it’s not true.
My mom and dad think I could still go to the dinner and they won’t drink either so we’ll be cool.
I told them I’d prefer to stay at home and if it was going to be a big deal, me being there, then they should go without me. Mom called my half-brother and he made like 100 excuses about why I should stay at home. Mom called him out for making it sound like he didn’t want me to go.
She ended up calling my half-sister then who also made a bunch of excuses but when mom started to ask why it would be such a big deal to have me at a restaurant she said it was fine if I was there.
I’m really not looking forward to the party so I told my parents I’m not going because I don’t want to go and they should go without me.
My mom was really upset about it and she told me I should be there to support my sister, that I shouldn’t let the excuses get me down because they really do want me there. My dad told me as long as they’re civil like they are with him, as painful as it can be, we should still show up because we are a family at the end of the day.
For those wondering more BG: Their dad, my mom’s first husband, died and mom remarried quickly. They never adjusted to that and they always kept my dad at a distance and me too. I don’t think they hate us. But I know they wish mom hadn’t brought us into their lives.
They tolerate our presence to keep mom. But I have never felt loved, liked, or cared for by them and I know they don’t consider me a sibling. I have heard them say they have one sibling only before.
Also, my half-sister’s husband pretty much knows the way things are.
Her in-laws didn’t seem to be as aware when they invited me so readily. Both half siblings send me birthday cards and Christmas cards every year but they never reply if I say thanks, they never reply to any texts or DMs I send, so I stopped reaching out except for the thanks.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m so sorry you’re feeling left out here. I’m glad your dad seems to understand this. But, your dad and more importantly your mom are deluding themselves here. This has been an ongoing thing. Both the adults know how the relationships have developed over the years with the children.
Intentionally or not, your parents have allowed this disconnect. I’m not suggesting you all should have been some Brady bunch family. But, this should have been addressed earlier. If I were you, I would sit both your parents down and tell them your feelings and what the truth of the situation is.
Your mother needs to come to terms with this and stop ignoring the elephant in the room. Does she realize when you turn 18, you and your siblings won’t have a relationship? Like, why would you keep putting yourself out there for siblings who aren’t interested?
Your mother needs to understand her responsibility to all her children. She’s hurting you by not talking this through. She is is adult, she is the mother. It was her duty to support and help all her children. She decided to remarry so quickly after the death of their parent.
They were children, they were not given time and space to grieve or process everything. But, at the same time, you didn’t get to choose to be born. She has neglected and allowed this separation in her own home. All of this is really on her.
She needs to own her mistakes and quite frankly her selfishness for not dealing with it all years ago. You’re not wrong about your feelings. They are valid. If I were you I wouldn’t want to go either. I would think you not going might finally address things.” Glass-Intention-3979
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I know how you feel. I have older half-sisters who didn’t want much to do with me when I was a kid. One of them kind of started wanting to build a sister relationship when I turned 21, but it was too little too late.
My parents finally accepted my half-sisters and I would never have a relationship when I reached my 30s. Your mom needs to accept that this is the way things are. The three of you seem civil enough. Sometimes, that’s as good as it gets.” buttercupgrump
4. AITJ For Buying My Own Cutlery While Living With My Fiancé's Family?
“Fiancé and I are currently living at his mother’s house for a good 4 months now. His mom is recently widowed and got a massive house so invited her kids to come live with her again for a bit so she can have company and we can also save some money in this economy.
I had my misgivings because we’ve been enjoying our place for more than 2 years at this point but he wanted to be there for his mom as his stepdad’s life ended in a very unfortunate circumstance. My partner also wanted to study so saving in rent is a good financial respite as he’ll be working less.
We’ve deemed this situation to be a maximum 2-year arrangement.
Adjusting to the house was such a difficult time for me. The house has 2 cats, and 2 dogs, and they can be very feral. All pets go in and out of the house as well.
I grew up with a dog, but a very groomed weekly cleaned dog. We also had house help to deal with it so I don’t have much experience in cleaning up after pets. The house understandably is always in a state of mess with all the pets and 6 adults sharing a house.
Since the 4 months I’ve been here, I haven’t seen the dogs get showered/cleaned up. The dogs are also known to eat their waste and waste inside the house then step on it and walk around their dirty paws. I have to move all my stuff from the floor every night to make sure they don’t get soiled before I go to bed. Yes, it has happened many times.
It grosses me out so much. The mom cleans up of course but not really my stuff when it gets soiled.
I’m at my wit’s end. I recently saw the mom giving some of her food to the dogs using her spoon. We do use a dishwasher but you know how sometimes the dishwasher doesn’t get it all and there would still be crumbs stuck?
I want to vomit with the thought I might have stuck something in my mouth that got dog waste on it. Her kids have already expressed the dogs shouldn’t be inside but she doesn’t listen. Her house, her rules I understand.
I’ve been telling my partner to move out already but I can also see how much it means to him to be with his whole family again.
Opportunities like that don’t happen too much in adulthood. So what I’ve done was buy my own set of cutleries (2 spoons, 2 forks, 2 teaspoons) and handwash them, easy peasy I can help myself.
Well, it was very offensive to my partner’s mom. I didn’t communicate my disgust with the whole cutleries to dogs thing but we had a history where my standard of living was very different from my partner’s family so I just didn’t want to add drama again when I think we’ve put it past us finally.
I want to keep using my cutleries and I don’t think it’s a big deal. But does it reek of condescension and passive aggressiveness as the mom and partner’s sibling has said?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I get it that your standards are different but the family won’t change so either “when in Rome” or you need to move out.
Unfortunately, the cat’s out of the bag so the only way out is to make up some baloney and your partner needs to support you in the ruse because if it comes out that that’s the reason why you’re leaving, you will always be hated by the family.
Even now, buying separate cutlery on your part will always make you look like YTJ to them. You have a long uphill climb.” frogwurth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At first, I thought “Well, bathing a dog weekly is a high expectation.” But then I got to them pooping and peeing and tracking it through the house.
Nope, that is so gross! Honestly, cutlery seems to be the least of your concerns. They’re not pooping on the cutlery. (Please tell me they’re not!) Waste tracked through the house is beyond disgusting. I’m a massive dog lover, but no. Just no.” IHaveBoxerDogs
Another User Comments:
“My God, it sounds filthy and disgusting. I don’t see how you can expect yourself to put up with this for two long years. I would suggest that you get out and share space with some other women (hygienic ones) so you don’t have to pay for a whole apartment yourself.
Your BF can do as he wishes. This might be an opportunity to live with family, but it’s also an opportunity to live in filth. You have too much self-respect to keep doing this. Move. NTJ” Nester1953
3. AITJ For Indirectly Revealing My Ex-Partner Had Affair On Me?
“I F(16) was in a relationship with one of my friends F(16) of my friend group (let’s call her Lexy) until yesterday.
At the beginning of our relationship, I wasn’t sure how I felt about her and she knew about that. For context: I am an a*****l person (and questioning aromantic at the time.) She confessed her feelings for me and before we got together she had her first kiss with a girl (let’s call her Bella) at a party.
Me and Lexy got together 6 months after we first addressed the confession. I had known about her and Bella’s kiss but I didn’t mind back then since it didn’t matter. Me and Lexy were together for a month and we didn’t have any issues since we kept it private and only told our closest friends.
We went on several dates and one of them she sent a snap to all of her contacts including Bella. This means Bella knew about my existence and knew me and Lexy were in a relationship.
Last week Lexy was sick and stayed home a lot to be able to meet up with Bella (as friends) because they hadn’t seen each other in a while during the weekend.
I knew about it and I wasn’t really worried since there was no reason for me to be worried. We didn’t see each other on Monday but on Tuesday she texted me and asked me to meet up since she had something to confess. I immediately got the feeling she was unfaithful to me.
Back then I don’t know why and how but I didn’t feel hurt at that time and I stayed very calm. Since I was sick we couldn’t meet in person but we had a phone call where she confessed to being unfaithful to me. (It was only a kiss but I’d still say that it would count as being unfaithful) She told me that when she was being dropped off at the bus stop on her way back from Bella’s place, Bella asked her if they wanted to kiss and she impulsively said yes.
She apologized for doing so and I told her not to worry since I wasn’t hurt yet. But as soon as an hour passed I started crying and I called my best friend (she goes to another school) who comforted me.
Today I haven’t been able to concentrate at school and I randomly started crying in a few classes.
I told my friends that me and Lexy are broken up but I left out the unfaithfulness part since they are friends with her as well and I didn’t want to ruin her reputation at school. I had no one to talk to about it at school so I told my best friend everything who started to be concerned and texted one of my friends and told her to look out for my well-being and also added those who are unfaithful are the worst. Now my friend knows that Lexy was unfaithful to me and might tell the others.
I will not cover for Lexy and tell my friend that my best friend lied but I’m afraid that I might ruin Lexy’s social life.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you didn’t start any rumors. You told your best friend something private in confidence and she’s the one that spread it.
Also, there aren’t any rumors, she did be unfaithful to you and admitted to it. The only ones hurting her reputation are herself and Bella. This sounds like pretty standard high school drama and nothing that will ruin lives, in a few years no one will even remember more than likely.” Fallout83
2. AITJ For Wanting To Tell My Adopted Brother The Truth?
“I am 26 years old, I don’t live with my parents but have a great relationship with them. As well as with my little brother “Moses”. Moses doesn’t have a great relationship with our parents. He’s never really had a great relationship with them.
I don’t fully understand why, but from what I can gather from my research adopted children (even those who were too young to remember) can still have mental blocks and trauma that prevent them from forming full relationships with their adoptive parents.
Moses is 13 years old and we’re so close he spends most of his weekends at my house.
His school breaks up for summer in a week and he’s already told me he wants to spend the first fortnight with me at my house, something our parents don’t care about. When he’s home it’s like constant fighting between them.
I’m sure some of it is his teenage hormones and possibly some of it is what I spoke about before.
I was almost 15 when Moses came to live with us. And I remember our parents explaining to me why it was important to keep the adoption a secret.
They didn’t want him to feel different, they didn’t want him bullied, etc. At the time it seemed sensible. So I agreed to keep it a secret. I feel regretful that I did.
Moses talks to me about feeling different from the rest of the family.
And I would reply with things like “No, it’s normal to feel that way when you’re young”, etc. which looking back I can recognize as almost gaslighting him. Something I feel truly guilty about.
I never really questioned it, not until about 2 years ago.
Then I started to unpack it in my mind, but if I am completely honest I think I felt guilty and so I repressed it. But it just kept coming back up. I did some research into adoption and the trauma it can give children, like I said even those who can’t even remember being adopted. I have no expertise in psychology and don’t claim to be an expert but this is just what I have gathered from my research.
On one hand, telling him could make his relationship with our parents even worse than it is. On the other, I feel like it can’t be hidden from him forever, not successfully. I want to fool myself into thinking it could make their relationship better, but I don’t see how it could.
It would give him the satisfaction of knowing he isn’t crazy for feeling different.
The more I thought about it, the more I started to resent my parents for forcing me into this role of lying to Moses. I started to avoid contact with them, to the point where they noticed. I spoke to them about how I felt and they told me I can’t tell Moses and it will make everything worse for him.
They’ve said if I tell him they will go NC with me and make it incredibly difficult for me to have contact with Moses.
Is telling him the right thing to do? Or am I just being selfish? I just feel like I’m lying all the time now.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ But at the same time I think the most important thing right now is your brother. If telling him takes away you as a safety net for him I think that would be worse than keeping the secret. I think in an ideal world you’d be able to tell him and continue providing that support.
But if your parents are serious about making it harder for you to see him I genuinely think you should hold off for now until you can think of a better solution. If it’s tense for him at home and he’s struggling he needs someone safe and it seems like you’re that for him.
If he’s already struggling now it would most likely get worse immediately after finding out. I don’t think it would be good for his mental health to be trapped with them and unable to see you after the bomb is dropped. Whatever happens, I wish you both the best and you sound like a great older sibling.” Harakiri_238
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for your feelings, but maybe it’s time for an ultimatum – they tell him by a specified date, or you will. At least give them a chance to come clean. Although, I have some questions, which I will follow with a crazy theory: 1.
Did your parents ever tell you why they decided to adopt? 2. Have they always had an indifferent and/or hostile relationship with him? 3. How does your mom, in particular, treat him? Has she ever been a doting mom to him? 4. Have you ever seen his birth certificate?
5. Before he came to your home, how was your parents’ relationship? Here’s my wild theory: your dad had an affair that resulted in Moses. His birth mother died or took off, and your father felt he needed to step up. Your mom may or may not have known about the affair earlier, but your parents decided to work it out.
She agreed to take him in if he were never to know the truth, but she cannot control her resentment towards your father and Moses’ mother, so she takes it out on him. Your father feels a duty to him but also has resentment and guilt.
I know it’s out there, but things like this do happen.” Guilty-Tie164
Another User Comments:
“Okay… I am an adoptive parent. I have three kids (well young adults now) who are adopted. They have known since childhood. They always have known. This is because the adoption process recommended that we NEVER lie to them!
I am furious that your parents are doing just that. I would tell your parents that they can either tell your brother or you will. Give them all the information that you have collected on adoption. Tell them that they need to get him into therapy to process this.
And they should too!!! If they refuse I would tell him. But maybe seek help in doing that. Tell him you will always be there for him. It’s going to be tough, and the stuff will hit the fan. I feel so sorry for him.
It’s breaking my heart. But with help, he can get through this.” Playful-Sprinkles-59
1. AITJ For Being Indifferent About Having Kids In The Future?
“I (20m) recently hung out with my friends Brandon, Jerry, Timmy, and Hunter. We’re all home for the summer from college but Hunter will be leaving for a month to go out of the country and will be back when his school starts.
So we decided to sleep over at Jerry’s house for the weekend while we were all home. Brandon wanted us to hang out with some friends of his he knows at his college just for fun. So we decided to go with him to a bar they all frequent and we were met by three girls.
We’ll call them Claire, Diana and Jacky. So we started talking with each other as a group and Brandon started to drink along with Diana and Jacky. Me and the other boys don’t drink like that so we just kept talking.
We were talking about college, our interests, and just general life stuff.
Then the topic of kids came up. Now this wasn’t a date or anything because Jerry and Timmy have partners, Hunter recently ended his relationship and Brandon likes to sleep around. The only single boys were me and Brandon and the only girl in a relationship was Claire.
Now I did find the girls attractive but they were friends with Brandon. And no offense to him but outside of us he does tend to befriend a lot of wacky characters.
So while we’re talking about kids, Jacky asked me what is my stance on kids.
So I just said I can live with or without them personally. If I find the right girl and she wants kids I’m cool with having them but if she doesn’t I’m cool with that too. Jacky for some reason didn’t like that answer.
She started berating me about how I should have a more concrete answer. Either I want them or I don’t. Then she started insulting my entire character as if she knew me. I just kept telling her this is how I feel about it and I’m not changing it.
We were causing a scene with her yelling and me laughing at her so we all decided to leave. Me and the boys went back to Jerry’s house and were just talking about how crazy Jacky sounded. The next morning after Brandon had sobered up, he apologized to me about Jacky and said she recently broke up with her partner because he was unsure about kids.
So I said that wasn’t my problem and he agreed and we all went back to our homes.
I thought the matter was over but later yesterday, I got a text from Jacky, Claire and a bunch of random people calling me a jerk for arguing with Jacky about kids and demanding I apologize.
The three girls had my number the night we hung out. I gave it to them because I thought they were cool. So I just blocked all of them except Diana who texted me apologizing about them. I don’t care what they think about my stance on the kids but maybe I should apologize anyway because people keep texting me and it’s getting annoying.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I say this as a childfree woman. Sounds like she was the one arguing. Not you. You’re young and you don’t have to decide anything. Nor do you have to justify your reasons. I felt the same way you did at 20 and even into my 30s.
I figured maybe I’d meet a man who would want them and maybe I’d be okay with that under the right circumstances. But the desire never came and men who I met who wanted kids immediately I would end up breaking up with.
Over time you may lean more one way or the other. Either is valid.” AdFinancial8924
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What a weird thing to be mad about. At 20 you are allowed to feel however you want about kids. At 30 or 40 as well. As long as you don’t string along your partner (telling them you want children when in fact you don’t want children at all).
And even then it is not something others can be mad about. It is your life and yours only. I have children and I have always known I wanted them but then there was a short period in my early twenties when I wasn’t so sure anymore because I was working on my career.
And then a year or maybe two later I knew again I would love to have them one day, but when I was a bit older. Not knowing something is fine. And knowing you do or don’t want them is fine as well. Nobody can decide this for someone else.
NTJ.” Pollythepony1993
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My husband told me (before we were engaged) he was OK with or without kids. When we were getting serious. I told him I wanted kids, so he was either in or out. Spoiler… he was in. It’s OK to be on the fence, as long as you’re open and honest about it.” bigfatkitty2006
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acknowledge what he did was wrong, he doesn't deserve them.