People Find Optimism In These 'Am I a Jerk?' Stories
21. AITJ For Refusing To Pay Back Child Support Money That My Mom Used Without My Consent?
“I (22F) am the child of the child support. Most mothers refused to drop the charges on my dad so he still has to pay.
This past February, my mom received a $6k check from child support and told me (I was out of the state at the time).
When she shared the news, I was a bit skeptical about accepting the check. Last time we received the check from CSS, my mom had to pay it back because it came from a joint account from my dad. She told this time it’s from my dad’s refunds and that it’s safer.
She put the funds in my account (because she forced me to get a joint account with her) and told me to use it however I wanted since it was mine. Then she goes back and say that what if the strings are attached to this one and end up owing again.
She gave me mixed signals but eventually I did use it because I was actually 3 weeks away from moving and didn’t know how I was going to go from Florida to Maryland with only less than 1k when I still had to pay the prorated month.
That check made the moving process easy and I paid a big amount off my credit card with funds left over.
Now, without my consent, my mother has also been using my money. Before the check, I noticed that the checks I get from work are always lower than expected until I found she’s been using my funds for herself to buy food, Uber and so forth.
She makes 3x the amount I make and has a car so I was confused.
Fast forward to last night, and I wasn’t surprised. Child support demanded the funds to be returned as apparently, my dad does not owe any more. My mom berated me over the funds without explaining anything saying how I “wasted the funds” and “it’s my fault because I called CPS and I have to pay!” No, I didn’t call and when I did call about Child support, I am not a 3rd party on my OWN case, so I have no say.
I told her I legally cannot do anything about it and to call to see what’s up. She refused, claiming I was influenced and did this to myself. I told her if I pay, she too has to pay but she refused again because her defense is she sent me funds in the past and for that, we’re even.
I told them I won’t pay because she swore up and down that it’s not really MY FUND, it’s HER FUND because my father had back loans to pay to HER not me. I used that and she said but I AM the one responsible to pay child support back.
I said no and she threatened me with legal actions. I called her bluff and said sure.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – She wanted you to use the funds, she has been spending your funds, and the check should have gone to her if it was owed to her.
Close that joint account and get an account without her on it so you can manage your own funds without her stealing from you.” guardlamamama
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother accepted the funds, knowing it was probably not a correct thing. She then gave you the funds.
Those are legally two separate things. She owes the funds back, no matter what she did with it. If I earn $100 from my boss and $200 gets deposited into my account by accident and I give $100 to someone else, it doesn’t matter. The bank will still take the mistake $100 from me.
Get your own bank account at a bank she doesn’t have an account at. Stop putting money in the joint account. Legally she is on the hook for the money.” EquivalentTwo1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ call her bluff and get another darn bank account at another bank.
Take your name off this one once you are sure your paychecks are going to the new account. Take the funds that belong to you. If she gave you those funds then she shouldn’t have spent any of it. She can pay it back.” mocha_lattes_
20. AITJ For Cleaning The Bathroom Last And Going Out On Saturdays?
“I’m kind of debating as to whether I’m the jerk for this one. I (20F) moved back in with my parents for two reasons. The first is to help my dad who experienced a stroke in 2022, he had a stroke in my apartment and I had to wait my lease out until I could go back home.
My mom asked me to come home to help until I went to university. The second is to save up for university.
For context, I work a full-time job from Monday to Friday. I spend my Friday night staying at my partner’s place and on Saturday morning, he and I go around town to be productive.
I guess Saturday tends to be when I get stuff done day. I have a lot to do during Saturday mornings because I work 9-5:30s, it’s difficult for me to get appointments or get things done when most things in my town (i.e., hospitals, banks, etc) open at 9 and close at 5.
When I get home, I normally start doing my chores on Saturday night. I have DnD from 8:30 pm – 11:30 pm and anything I can’t finish, I get it done on Sunday.
The issue here is that I tend to save the bathroom for the last. Because my dad is wheelchair-bound, he tends to wander in throughout the day and his wheelchair wheels dirty up the floor if I mop and stuff.
I tend to save the bathroom at night where he’s sleeping and I can clean it without worrying about mopping again. My mom and I argue all the time about the bathroom because she thinks I save it for last. After all, I’m lazy when that just isn’t the case.
I’ve tried explaining it to her but she just calls me lazy and useless.
I woke up a little early today so I could get started on the chores. I walked out and my mom was immediately asking me to do a bunch of stuff and I was still waking up.
My mom wakes up early because she likes to work out from 5-6:45ish in the morning. I told her “it’s still 7 am, could I wake up a little before I start doing things?” and she got really mad. She tells me it’s my fault because I always go out on Saturdays and I save the bathroom for last. I told her that I was going to do it but if she yells at me all the time, it makes me not want to do it at all.
She calls me lazy and tells me I’m always out like some loose woman on the weekends. In my culture, it’s frowned upon to stay at your partner’s house if you’re not married.
I just returned to my room and now, I’m here writing this post.
I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong, I don’t like arguing with my mom but it feels like I have to change something so she stops yelling at me. Please let me know your thoughts.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d have a sit down with your mom and let her know that you are happy to live with her to help care for your dad, but you can’t keep getting shouted at for living your life and continuing the current arrangement.
If you have a full-time job, see what alternatives there are for cheap accommodation. No one deserves to be called a loose woman at home.” Squiggles567
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Chores need to get done consistently, but Sunday is a completely reasonable day to do them.
It’s also wildly inappropriate to call your daughter a loose woman in every culture. Your mom needs to watch her mouth. I might consider moving back They don’t appreciate your help or want to treat you with the respect and dignity you deserve.” Neo_Demiurge
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If it matters so much to her she can clean the bathroom herself. Does it only get cleaned once a week? If so, the time of the day it happens doesn’t matter at all. And you’re doing them a massive favor it sounds like, I assume you do a lot of care tasks for your father and mother *on top* of working full time?
I get you’re there to help, but if it’s just causing your family stress for you to be there, maybe it’s time to move back out?” dogfishresearch
19. AITJ For Not Calling My Stepmom "Mom"?
“My mom died when I (17m) was 6. My dad married my stepmom Britt when I was 8. A few weeks before they got married my dad and stepmom sat me down and asked me if I would like to call Britt’s mom or if I would like to say bonus mom instead of stepmom.
I told them I wanted to call her Britt and they said that was okay. I was asked about the bonus mom thing and I said I’d rather use stepmom. They told me I could change that at any time but they wanted to know which made me more comfortable.
So Britt was always Britt and I use Britt and stepmom interchangeably when talking about her. To her face she’s Britt. To friends I’ll normally say Britt but other people, if they don’t know who Britt is, I’ll typically say “my stepmom” instead of just Britt.
And for people who know but I’m not that close to it depends.
Britt and I get along great and I love her. I never saw her as my mom or considered her to be like my second mom though. She’s a motherly figure for sure but she’s not the only one and I’m not even closest to her out of those motherly figures.
My dad and Britt always accepted that though. I know she’d love if I did call her mom or one day told someone she was my mom. But she has never pushed it.
Last Friday we were at Britt’s parents’ house and my dad’s side of the family was there too.
This doesn’t ever really happen. My dad was talking about me making it into the school newsletter and how proud he was. For some reason this started my grandparents and Britt’s parents off on calling her “my mom”. Britt and my dad said told them it was a shame my mom wasn’t here to see it.
This led to confused faces. I told my grandparents and Britt’s parents that I don’t call Britt my mom. My grandparents were like you don’t call her mom but when talking about her and I said no, she’s my stepmom. My mom died when I was 6 and she’s the only person I call my mom.
Britt’s parents said we get along so well though and I was like yeah. They were like she’s done so much good and been in my life for so long and I agreed with them. They mentioned she’s the mother of my half-siblings and I agreed there too.
They asked what I say when I’m talking about them both and I said my dad and Britt or my dad and stepmom.
Britt tried to move the conversation along but things got weird because her and dad’s parents were so weird about it. They tried to keep on that conversation but it got shut down.
But since then both Britt’s parents and my grandparents have told me they feel I’m wrong and that I was gleeful in refusing to acknowledge Britt’s role in my life.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She isn’t your mum…she’s your stepmum. I do not understand why people get so hung up on this kind of issue.
Would it be nice for her…sure. but if you just don’t feel that way trying to guilt trip you about it is a jerk thing to do. She has your respect and love by the sounds of it which is worth so much more than a word you keep sacred for the woman who gave you life and nurtured you as long as she could (rightly in my opinion), so I don’t see why people can’t be happy with that. ” Beautiful-Way-2259
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s no dishonor in being called ‘stepmom’. It’s JUST a structural title, exactly like grandpa, auntie, mom, nephew, etc. etc.. If they are implying that it’s somehow ‘less-than’ a mom title – then that’s THEIR BAD! And shame on them for that derogatory assumption!
Those titles are just simple tools for identifying people, and you ARE using it correctly. It has NOTHING to do with how you feel about her as a person, or what significance she has in your life.” TrainingDearest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ What makes them think you were “gleeful” about it?
When they talked to you about it way back when you said you felt more comfortable using her first name and calling her your stepmom, which your dad and Britt accepted and have continued to do so until this day. Both sets of parents are getting into things a bit too far for comfort for any of the 3 of you.
It’s not up to them what you call Britt. It’s totally up to you, Britt and your dad. If the 3 of you are fine with it, so should everyone else be.” TabbieAbbie
18. AITJ For Choosing To Live With My Grandparents Over My Dad's Second Wife After His Death?
“My dad passed away 5 months ago. It was really sudden. He wasn’t sick.
He simply went to work one day and didn’t make it back home. Dad had five kids. He had me (16m) Mia (11f) and Ky (10m) with our mom and she passed away 9 years ago. Dad got remarried 5 years ago and had two kids with his second wife.
Dad had arranged for Mia, Ky and I to stay with his wife if something were to happen to him. He never discussed this with us. But when I found out I wasn’t really happy and I expressed a desire to live with my maternal grandparents.
Ky and Mia wanted to be with his wife. They call her mom and have a really close relationship with her and our half-siblings. They wanted me to stay as well. They said they didn’t want to lose me too and even though I assured them they would still see me, they were upset and sad.
My dad’s wife told me I should just stay. That I could give her a chance to be a second mom to me and could have her and my siblings for support. I told her I didn’t want to live with her.
An emergency custody hearing was held and I spoke to the judge with my grandparents and my dad’s wife in the room with us.
He asked me why I wanted to go against my dad and if I would like to have some kind of shared custody set up for me. I said no. I wanted to live with my grandparents outright. That I loved and respected them and needed them but I did not love or respect or need my dad’s second wife and that I love Mia and Ky so much and I had nothing against my half-siblings, but I felt better being with my grandparents.
The judge agreed. He ordered I could live with my grandparents while Ky and Mia could stay with my dad’s wife. He did order the three of us to have individual therapy to help them not hate me. And that helped. They ask a lot of questions when I see them, and they don’t understand me not loving “their mom” but they do get now that she’s not my mom like she is theirs.
They know she’s not their bio mom. She’s the only mom they know.
My dad’s wife is furious and she has made so many comments about my decision. She has also brought up what I said to the judge and the fact I don’t love all four siblings is disgusting.
But she said I turned my back on my family and I basically said I didn’t care that she had done her best to be a good mother to three kids that weren’t hers, it wasn’t good enough for me. She said my decision was totally unfair to everyone and I was selfish.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You choose what’s best for you. Your stepmom (or “dad’s second wife”) wants you to do what’s best for her. She’s complaining and laying on all the guilt she can. That’s not exactly a great incentive for you to change your mind.
Both you and the judge agreed that living with your grandparents is best for you. Tell her to complain to the judge.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, however, your two younger full siblings likely have no memories of your mom. You do. I get that.
I think her remark about being a good mother to 3 children that were not hers is quite telling. Her attitude and remarks are very unfair to you. I think the judge saw that. Glad therapy is helping with your younger siblings.” many_hobbies_gal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I won’t jump on the train that you’re your step mother’s free babysitter. Truth be told, as a step mother myself, if I were in her position (living with you and having you as a part of my family for 5 years, and all your siblings and half siblings were to continue living with me), I’d want you to stay as well.
Not because of babysitting but because of my own attachment and me not wanting siblings to be separated. That being said, you are 16. If you don’t want to live with them, then you don’t want to live with them, period. Your opinion matters and having in mind you already lost two parents at this vulnerable age, it is important to live with people who you are comfortable with.
If she wants a relationship with you, she went on the wrong way about it.” cedrella_black
17. AITJ For Suggesting My Sister Should Leave Her Husband Due To Stepchildren Issues?
“So my sister lost her first husband when their daughter was 7 months old.
She met her second husband almost 2 years after her first husband passed away. They were together for a little over a year before moving in together and getting married at the courthouse. She was so much happier, she was looking forward to their future again and she changed so much before our very eyes.
It was amazing to see her happy again. But it didn’t really last.
Her husband’s children were old enough to remember their mom and old enough to not blend as seamlessly with everyone. My sister wanted siblings for her daughter, she wanted a true family for her.
But she did not get that. Her husband adores my niece with all his heart. But his kids are indifferent and lean more negative in their indifference. They have expressed they’re not happy their dad remarried. They have also expressed that my sister and niece will never be people they accept as family and they don’t want to work on this.
My sister and her husband and his kids went to family therapy.
It’s been four years since they got married and nothing has changed. They are no closer and my sister has become more depressed about the indifference. She has vented to me many times in the last two years about the sadness she feels because her stepkids don’t want to even be friends with her daughter and how her daughter looks at them as her big siblings but they have expressed they don’t return those feelings.
She said it’s not what she wanted and it upsets her daughter when the other kids in the house don’t even talk to her the majority of the time.
I have always listened. She has mentioned that the therapist has expressed on more than one occasion that the kids can’t be forced to love my niece and that they might never be more interested than they currently are.
They can try to encourage it without force and make sure the home is welcoming and inclusive. But feelings can’t be forced or demanded. My sister has told me she hates that and she feels like she failed my niece. I have reassured her before she hasn’t.
But she said she couldn’t give her them as siblings.
She was in a particularly upset state a few days ago and she was venting and so I may have overstepped and I asked her why she didn’t end her marriage if the whole thing was making her this upset.
I told her that’s not to say she needs to. But she doesn’t seem happy and maybe the two of them would do better with just the two of them for a while. My sister freaked out and told me I couldn’t expect her to do that and why was it my place.
I tried to apologize but she didn’t want to hear it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why? Because she clearly *hears* what the therapist is saying, but she’s not *listening* to the therapist. Your sister knows she has to back off her desire for an “ideal blended family” and face reality.
Instead, she vents to you. At some point in time she needed to hear what you said. You have been her sounding board for years. You have reassured her for years. But she keeps doing the same thing, and wondering why it keeps failing. With the ages of the kids, she and her husband actually have a chance to turn the tide but they seem to be pushing the same agenda.
I feel for those kids.” Beck2010
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Her step-children had one measly year before your sister and their father got married? They met, were together, got married moved in together in TWELVE months. His children barely had time to get to know your sister and her child, get familiar with these two strangers before they were forced to live with them and your sister (and her moronic husband, who seems to completely disregard his own children) really expected them to deal with the new situation and embrace them as part of their family?
Totally surprising these children are not happy with this situation, their stepmother, her child and their completely overreaching expectations.” agnesperditanitt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your sister is refusing to understand that she cannot control this situation and cannot control her step kids no matter how much she wants to.
Sounds like the therapist gave her some good advice which she is ignoring, thinking she can impose her will on the household. I think you’re right, she can either accept these step kids the way they are or she can take her daughter and leave if it’s making her and her child so miserable.
It seems she’s not being supported enough by her new husband or she might feel less desperate. If she’s going to continually complain to you she should expect some advice and responses. She seems a bit unreasonable, actually.” Hot_Box_4574
16. AITJ For Inviting Friends to an Expensive Dinner Where Checks Can't Be Split?
“I’m 30F and my partner Lucius is 35M.
For his birthday he asked if we could do a big celebratory friends dinner at a steak house. He and his friends usually do a steak house with about 8-10 people for birthdays so nothing unusual. I invited 3 couples and 1 single guy for a total of 9 people.
A month before the dinner I invited everyone personally and told them which steak house $$$ Lucius had picked it was an expensive place but I left it up to everyone is they wanted to attend or not know the price point. I also sent follow-up texts about the restaurant’s check policy.
They do NOT split checks in any way and we can put up to 4 cards. I texted this to EVERYONE confirming they still were okay to join and if the bill amounts were uneven let’s all bring cash or we can Venmo each other afterwards.
Everyone RSVP’d no problem.
Dinner happens everyone’s having a great time until the check arrives. I said since we can only put down 4 cards we would take his single friend and technically split it 5 ways taking 2/5 and then just put down the remaining 3 cards.
Everyone was completely fine and put their card in except Stacy. Stacy and her husband are 40 and have the highest-paying jobs at the table. She refused to blindly put her card down and proceeded to pull out a pen and paper and itemize the entire bill.
If that wasn’t embarrassing enough at a fine dining restaurant, this process took about 40 minutes and completely ruined the mood and the end of the birthday. We were there to celebrate and everyone knew the prices and the payment situation going in and since we could not split it, itemizing was a waste of time.
She kept ripping up the paper and starting over, also completely ignoring TAX TIP AND GROUP FEES. So her itemized decision of what she and her husband owed was off by a lot.
She finally declared a random number she would pay and then I paid a larger majority than that leaving the group with a smaller amount to be owed.
Afterward, I was extremely upset but tried to keep it together for the sake of the birthday. We were all supposed to go out afterward and everyone canceled due to the mood killer. A week later when I calmed down Lucius texted her about it and she insisted I was a jerk for inviting so many people to an expensive restaurant that doesn’t split checks and they probably would have split it if we asked. (They do not trust me we asked if she could be separated).
I couldn’t care less what she thinks I’m more upset she ruined Lucius’ birthday. But I wanted to know am I the jerk for inviting people to an expensive dinner?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you had invited everyone to dinner and NOT told them how expensive it was and that they couldn’t split bills and hadn’t expressed that you were okay if they didn’t want to come because of the price point, then yes, it would have been a bad thing to do.
But! You did tell everyone and everyone agreed. Is it possible that Stacy hadn’t been made aware of the price? Even if that hadn’t happened, her husband should have taken the lead on getting her to chill out, get the bill paid, and get everyone out of there.
She could have complained about it after the fact or whatever, but to make a scene….. sheesh.” fallingintopolkadots
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everyone was given ample warning about the cost of the place and its payment policies and was given time to back out. But hey, now you know to never invite her to anything else ever again, as not only will she try to avoid paying the full price of her meal, but she’ll make a whole dramatic scene of it too.
She sounds exhausting. And her husband too, since he goes along with her behavior.” Fluffy_Sheepy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is one of those experiences where one person should probably pay and then everybody either Zelle or Venmo them the amount they owe. Not only does it go quicker to get out of the restaurant, but you don’t have some nitpicky person trying to whittle down what every single person owes.
I’m always the one that organizes everybody to go out to eat and figure out how we’re going to split the bill so I feel your pain. We explain it to people upfront and then they just assume you’re not telling the truth and the bill can be split evenly or everybody can get their own bill when you know that can’t be done that way.
Or you tell them the restaurants are going to put an automatic 18 to 20% gratuity on the added bill and they don’t believe you or they get mad when they see it on the bill.” Winter_Dragonfly_452
15. AITJ For Choosing To Attend A Family Reunion Over My Step-Grandfather's Birthday?
“I am a 24M currently living with my parents while working as an entry-level Civil Engineer as they allow me to work off some of my college debt.
Figured this might be somewhat important to know for context.
For further context, in the past, my mother has had a notable disdain for my father’s side of the family. She claims it’s from past interactions, but I’ve never witnessed a particularly harsh interaction in my experience.
My dad recently found out that his side of the family is doing an informal family reunion sometime this August. After long coordination, they settled on one weekend due to everyone’s schedules to afford the most amount of people that could make it. Also note this is occurring one state over, so driving over one weekend is affordable and relatively quick.
It’s also important to know that I have not seen the majority of his side of the family since I was 4, 20 years ago. One couple is having to travel from England as well, we are likely never going to get another chance to see them.
My mother also realized that my step-grandfather on her side of the family is turning 80 this year. Being an important age milestone and the fact that we have not visited him since I was in high school, we figured we’d travel this year. Coincidently, his birthday falls on the same weekend as the planned reunion.
Keep in mind, we do see him at least every other year as we all travel for holidays. He lives multiple states away in Texas, so the ease and expense of traveling is somewhat of an issue.
Last night, we were eating dinner together when my father mentioned the reunion and asked if I wanted to go.
Of course, I said yes, but I had not remembered my step-grandfathers birthday. I don’t know if it was the mention of the event or my willingness to go, but my mother became noticeably frustrated with the discussion. She said something along the lines of, “If the reunion doesn’t impact your grandfather’s birthday, you have my permission to go”.
The mention of her permission somewhat stung and felt imposing, so I gently responded with, “I wasn’t aware I needed your permission”.
I did not raise my voice, but obviously, the tone didn’t help. From that, she became more furious and stormed out during dinner.
She later angrily texted my dad and me stating that she felt like she was being bullied about the situation based on that conversation and separate ones between my dad and her. I have no idea what those conversions looked like as they were private.
I still want to go to the reunion regardless of when my step-grandfather’s birthday celebration falls. My dad and I as well as other family members have mentioned celebrating it around Thanksgiving anyway, so I do not see the conflict. Seems easier to reschedule with fewer people involved.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and it seems you handled the situation like the adult that you are. Perhaps your mom was hoping that by having separate convos w/ each of you about it she could be manipulative in a way that was less likely to happen if you were all part of the conversation.
Make sure you’re clear with your mom that you’ve made your decision on your own and look forward to seeing your step-grandfather later in the year. Also, give her some time to cool off and reflect.” MrsChickenPam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You can choose to go where you want to go.
Your response was on target. Mom needs to process you’re an adult who can make his own choices, and your family is important to you even if it’s not important to her. Don’t be surprised if more conversations about this come up. You may have to sit down and talk about boundaries and expectations, and I would make sure Dad is there when you have them.
You might even talk to Dad before you sit down with Mom if the need arises.” lilolememe
Another User Comments:
“I honestly don’t think you’re the jerk, you did not disrespect your grandfather and did not trivialize or ignore his birthday celebration. You and the rest of your family members besides your mother talked about it while discussing the matter that you guys would celebrate the birthday instead of abandoning it.
As for your mother, it seems as if she’s suffering from a certain form of trauma and mistreatment since she’s perceiving the situation that way. Hopefully, she doesn’t verbally, or mentally mistreat you.” Dead_Achilles_9
14. AITJ For Reporting My Friend's Security Breach That Cost Her A Raise?
” I work in a small company but I am in charge of auditing some of the top-performing salespeople.
One of whom is a close friend of mine. I would say she is my only close friend at the moment, she’s always been sweet and looked out for me when I needed it (and sometimes when I didn’t). But here comes the issue: since the sales department deals with a lot of sensitive information, including the client’s payment information, it is against our security policies that the sales agents save that information outside of the approved payment processors, but we have some agents that keep saving it in unauthorized Notes apps, sometimes leaving it there for days until they remember to delete it.
It has happened very frequently, so our OPS Manager said that if we have someone who continuously makes this same mistake of saving the client’s payment information, we should remove a sale from them as a disciplinary action. My friend is one of those that leave the client’s card details hanging around for too long.
I have talked to her about it (nine times, to be specific) and I even told her of this new rule our OPS Manager imposed. She told me she wouldn’t commit the same mistake again. She was very hopeful because our bosses told her she needed to reach a certain number of sales in April so she could receive a raise.
She actually reached the goal they set for her. The thing is that she kept one of the client’s credit card details saved in one of those Notes apps, even after our talks about it.
I noticed when I was auditing, and told her about it, and she expected me to keep quiet and not tell anyone that she left the card saved there, but I had to tell our OPS Manager, so I did.
I pleaded with him to let her keep the sale, but he didn’t budge, so I had to remove the sale from her. Without that sale, my friend no longer qualified for the raise.
She now won’t talk or even look at me. I understand that she is upset and I didn’t want this to happen either, but she is making me feel like I broke some kind of friendship rule when I had warned her about this issue numerous times, including what would happen if she did it again, and she knows that if somebody found out that I didn’t go through the established process and applied the necessary disciplinary actions, then the blame for that security breach would fall on me.
I tried to talk to her about it, but like I said, she won’t even look at me.
I hate that she no longer qualified for the raise because I was so proud that she achieved the goal, so that part does make me feel like the jerk, but am I really?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s sad that your friend didn’t get her raise, but that was entirely due to her own choices. The rule about removing a sale was made by your boss. If your boss found out that you were favoring your friend and letting her slide on policy, you could get fired.” InappropriateAccess
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and friends don’t ask friends to endanger their own jobs because they made a stupid mistake. You didn’t cause her to lose the sale, her behavior did.” OfAnOldRepublic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and she is a walking liability. You did your job, she continues to flaunt protocol and ALSO expected you to act unethically for her gain and to YOUR potential detriment.
That’s not a friend. She was hoping to use your power to hide her ineptitude.” devsfan1830
13. AITJ For Wanting To Ignore My Indian Heritage Due To My Mother's Recent Behavior?
“I’ve never had an issue with it in school or anywhere in life since I’m just me. So it’s not about any peer pressure or because of bullying. But I find myself gravitating towards the non-Indian side of my family, since they’re a lot more relaxed and down to earth than the Indian side of my family, and I myself am a very relaxed person who breaks under pressure or stressful environments since I get overwhelmed and overstimulated very easily physically and emotionally nowadays.
Now I’m not saying I don’t love the Indian side of my family, they’re cool, chill, and close to home but yet I find it so hard to not get overwhelmed around them since they expect me to be on the same level of enthusiasm and sharpness as they are when I haven’t been exposed to much of Indian culture since my birth.
Despite all this I have remained accepting and open to my Indian side.
But this has been going on recently, my mother, who is where I get this Indian side from, has always been a nice, calm and friendly person who I vibe with very well and I never see her pushing her Indian side onto me or my siblings.
However recently, my mother has begun to act sharper, and strict and uses her mother tongue around the house – which she has never used this often before, since I have never properly learned it or practiced it – and she proceeds to get angry and scold me when I fail to understand her.
She goes back to nearly her old self when she is alone with me and my dad in the house, but around our extended relatives she somehow feels this need to express authority over me and my siblings, as if trying to feed into the typical Indian mother stereotype where her children follow her every order flawlessly, she has begun to comment more and more about my weight an imperfections in front of her relatives, as if to express how disappointed she was in me.
I lost it when she began to scream at me about how I needed to fit into traditional clothing and how me being on the overweight side would bring me shame and then proceeded to not listen to me about my own boundaries and asked me to show more skin while wearing traditional clothing.
I yelled back at her and I felt like such a jerk, but I was getting so overwhelmed with it and I couldn’t handle it anymore.
I don’t understand what has happened or why she is doing this now, but I want to completely ignore the Indian side of my heritage because of this.
But I feel like I’m in the wrong as well because she is my mother and I don’t know if I’m overreacting to all this. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are getting older when personhood is no longer acceptable. Her family is sizing up your marriage potential. You have to look like, act like, and talk like all the good Indian girls Whether they are thinking about the marriage they are going to arrange for you or in general they are putting a lot of pressure on your mother to bring you under control.
Only you know what the expectations are for your life. You can’t ignore this. I would sit down with your mother and ask her what is going on. She needs to understand your feelings. Together become a team. Two even chill women can be a force to be reckoned with.
I don’t know where you are in the world. Your choices can be defined by that but don’t get on the plane. Tell a security guard.” feminist1946
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Of course, you don’t want to be forced into conforming to a culture you don’t understand.
Your parents need to discuss what’s going on here, otherwise, your human nature will result in you renouncing your Indian heritage, which is a loss for everyone: parents, children, & their descendants… (Not saying this will inevitably follow, but there is a tendency for the children of immigrants to want to renounce their ancestral heritage & fully assimilate into the dominant culture.) One thought: even if this results in you “disowning” your Indian culture, please make a serious attempt to become fluent in your mother’s native language.
You don’t need to let your parents know if that matters. Knowing more than one language is a very useful resource. (I wish I had worked harder in school at learning German.)” FunnyAnchor123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have the advantage of being exposed to two heritages growing up; it’s up to you to decide which one suits you best. To be honest, you can mix & match a bit as well.
I would recommend you talk to your mother (not during an actual argument) and see if you can get to the bottom of it. Maybe open with “Ma, we seem to be fighting so much these days, I want us to get past that…” akaioi
12. AITJ For Telling My Sister That Her Anxiety Could Prevent Her From Becoming a Doctor?
“My sister “Diana” is a high school senior in a program called AVID which basically helps kids prepare for college. For their final project they’re having every student do an individual presentation and be able to answer questions for ~2 minutes about it. Very simple/easy.
She’s been giving presentations like this in school for years.
Diana’s been stressing out for months over it because it’s basically their only grade this semester and her teacher’s made it clear that nobody is exempt from doing it. Diana had no problem with the research or anything.
The only thing she has an issue with is giving a presentation in front of people because of public speaking anxiety.
Diana came home on Monday saying she couldn’t handle it because her teacher’s inviting the AVID program coordinator and she wanted to drop out just so she wouldn’t have to do it.
Our parents were like absolutely no, you’ve been in AVID for 4 years, like you’re not dropping out with 4 weeks left over having to give a presentation.
I also tried talking to Diane by pointing out that the guy is a flake from what she’s described. It’s probably just going to be her teacher and ~30 classmates and I can guarantee her right now that everyone’s going to be too busy worrying about themselves and their own presentations to care about hers.
This helped for a few days but Diana’s getting cold feet and wanting to drop out again. She’s now telling me that she’s planning on ditching class that day and getting the automatic zero just so she doesn’t have to do it.
Then she asked me for tips on how to hide it from our parents.
Diana wants to be a doctor and has already chosen her college based on their programs for premed. I told Diana if she can’t get over her anxiety for one presentation then she’s never gonna be a doctor.
Doctors need to be able to advocate for themselves and their patients. Even just at her undergrad college, she’ll need to give presentations in front of far bigger audiences. It’s okay to be anxious but if she drops out of things over it then she’s not gonna go far in life at all, much less become a doctor.
I’m writing this because I told my best friend “Elise” about this today and she is fully on my sister’s side. Elise says that she knows as a person with anxiety, you can be given as many logical reasons as possible to not be anxious but anxiety just isn’t something you can control.
Elise also agreed it’s dumb for Diana to drop out of AVID with only a few weeks left, but Diana’s 18 and it’s technically her own life so our parents should just let her make her own choices at this point. I don’t agree with Elise at all.
But Elise is my best friend and I really value her judgment, so I’m willing to hear from other people about if she has a point here that I don’t see. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You did it because you care & you’re right, med training is really tough.
“The only thing she has an issue with is giving the presentation in front of people because of public speaking anxiety.” It feels like your parents need to be more understanding. Could they get her some coaching/ mentoring to help her practice/help with the fear for this one as it’s important if there’s time before it happens?” Apart-Ad-6518
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. AVID is a program for mediocre students who could be better with the right guidance, focus and effort increase. This right here shows exactly why she’s in the program. Sounds to me like your sister just doesn’t want to do tough things, just rides on excuses and quitting.
I get the anxiety (I’ve blacked out giving speeches due to my own) but just quitting will get her nowhere. If she can’t handle this, she’s not going to handle undergrad, and definitely not med school.” whopeedonthefloor
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You are absolutely correct.
I wasn’t even premed and almost every class had me do some kind of public speaking. In college, the higher level classes will be almost only exams and finals contributing to grades and if she can’t bring herself to even show up to speak, she’ll flunk out.
She needs to find a way to get over it if she really wants to be a doctor. If she chooses anxiety over her dreams, then I say she needs to get a degree in a field where she won’t talk to anyone. Or just join the workforce in the least anxiety-inducing job as possible (which is NOT easy).” Collective-Cats18
11. AITJ For Being Upset With My MIL's Intrusive Behavior After My Daughter's Birth?
“I gave birth to my daughter in January this year and ever since then, my mother-in-law has become more controlling than she was before. She doesn’t respect boundaries. Let me give you a few examples.
Whenever we have guests over to see my daughter, my mother-in-law always invites herself and makes it all about her.
She wants my daughter to only smile and play with her. She doesn’t give my guests a chance to have time with my daughter because she’s always trying to get her attention. I can see how annoyed people get with her but no one says anything.
My husband is a baptized Catholic and I’m a Christian. My husband and I don’t believe in going to church although we do believe in God and we decided not to baptize our daughter. My mother-in-law however is a dedicated church goer and she told my husband that she wants him to baptize our daughter when she turns 6 months old because she is a churchgoer and she would look bad if her granddaughter isn’t baptized.
She visits a couple times a week for an hour or two and she always wakes up the baby on purpose by talking loudly and when the baby is awake she overstimulates her by talking way too much.
She’s not very hygienic, I caught her many times not washing her hands when handling my daughter even though we reminded her multiple times to wash her hands.
She even wiped her dirty spectacles on my baby’s blanket. I was so shocked and speechless when she did this.
Last weekend my mother-in-law invited us over for lunch and they were burning an outdoor fire and she was holding our daughter close to the fire.
I told my husband to tell her it’s not good for the baby and he said don’t worry, it’s not that bad. Then they burned an even bigger fire and my mother-in-law couldn’t be bothered. My husband then came to his senses and took my daughter away.
I feel so helpless in this situation because I’m English and my husband is Polish and I don’t speak the language to deal with these situations properly.
Every single gift my daughter has received was opened by my mother-in-law. She would just take it and open it in front of me to show me what my daughter received. I know it’s petty but I would like to be the one to open the gifts with my husband as we’re the parents.
My husband acknowledges that his mother is a problem but says that’s just how she is and she’s over excited about having a granddaughter. I understand this but the health and wellbeing of our daughter is a priority. Every time she comes over I have terrible anxiety.
My parents live far away so I’m all alone here and only my husband speaks English so it’s hard to get advice or vent to anyone about how I’m feeling.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your house, your kid, your rules. If she can’t respect that then too bad so sad for her.
If you don’t set boundaries now, it may be much harder when the kid is older. Also how you choose to raise your child concerning religion is up to you. She doesn’t get a say in the matter. My husband and I were both raised around the church (Baptist for him, Lutheranism for myself)… we are both agnostic now.
We have not baptized our kid and don’t plan to, that will be his choice if he chooses to explore Christianity.” Pretend-Government52
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to set rules with your husband and your mother-in-law. The first one is that the mother-in-law cannot invite herself when you have guests.
This one will have to be enforced by your husband so be very clear with him. For the regular visits during the week, is there any way you could not be home or make it look like you are not home (I hope she doesn’t have keys to your house)?
Be very clear with her and if it causes a breach then all the better for you. Explain clearly to your husband that you will set the boundaries and if he doesn’t help enforce them, it will become even more drastic. As others, I would suggest you learn Polish.” TwinZylander214
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Boundaries. Your husband has to be present to translate. Your mother-in-law has to wash their hands and hold baby properly. No loud talking or waking baby. No overstaying a visit. No suddenly letting herself into the flat. Take her key. Hubby needs to manage the situation with his mother, instead of trying to stymie your attempts to provide a safe environment/have some peace.
You and your child are his family now! His mother’s wants are irrelevant to daily life.” PhoridayThe13th
10. AITJ For Calling My Wife a Hypocrite For Banning Our Daughters From Wearing Makeup?
“I (30f) married a woman (40f) in January of 2024. My wife, who we’ll call Yazmin, has two daughters who we’ll call Penny (12f) and Lily (10f).
Yazmin and her 3 sisters have had acne since they were 12. It’s like a family curse. For them, it’s a full face, upper neck, full back, full shoulders, and upper arm covered in pimples that leave scars even if they don’t mess with the pimples. Their mother’s acne didn’t clear until she went into menopause.
Yazmin has a rule that her daughters are not allowed to wear makeup until they are 18. When I first heard it I thought it wasn’t practical given her daughters’ ancestry but I didn’t make a fuss about it at the time. But since April, poor Penny got her 1st zit, a big red pimple in the middle of her forehead.
Given she, like the rest of her family, is blonde and very fair-skinned it stands out. Poor thing had to go out like that. Then the rest of her forehead got covered in pimples, then her chin, then her cheeks, and it’s still spreading.
Yazmin gets to put on makeup first thing in the morning and takes it off at bedtime.
She and her sisters were allowed to wear makeup when they were kids. Acne is horrible whether or not you get to cover it with makeup but at least the makeup helps a little. I saw this young girl beg with tears flowing down her face for her mother to allow her to wear makeup.
Yazmin keeps refusing.
A few days ago, Penny was again begging her mom. This time Lily was also begging on her sister’s behalf. Yazmin refused, and I called Yazmin a hypocrite to her face, in front of her daughters. I then explained further by pointing out the facts of how Yazmin and her sisters were allowed to wear makeup.
I then said that if Penny and Lily are not allowed to wear makeup then Yazmin should stop wearing makeup. Yazmin yelled saying I have no idea what it’s like to have acne, and that she has to wear it to be taken seriously at work.
I said that Penny needs to wear it to be treated at school. Yazmin got angrier and said I never had acne so I don’t get to have an opinion.
Later in the night, Yazmin was crying. I have never mentioned her acne before that moment.
She was asking me if she was ugly to me. I told her she was the most beautiful woman in the world to me. She has been insecure ever since. I feel like I was a jerk to my wife. She has been crying every night since.
Penny is still miserable. Lily is scared that she might go through what Penny is going through shortly. I never had acne so I don’t know what they are going through. Maybe I was out of line. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you are advocating for your wife’s kids.
“A few days ago, Penny was again begging her mom. This time Lily was also begging on her sister’s behalf. Yazmin refused, and I called Yazmin a hypocrite to her face, in front of her daughters. I then explained further by pointing out the facts of how Yazmin and her sisters were allowed to wear makeup.
I then said that if Penny and Lily are not allowed to wear makeup then Yazmin should stop wearing makeup. Yazmin yelled saying I have no idea what it’s like to have acne, and that she had to wear it to be taken seriously at work.
I said then Penny needs to wear it to be treated at school.” The pot called the kettle black. She wore makeup as a kid to hide her acne but is abusing her daughters by refusing them the same care.” Comfortable-Sea-2454
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You could have been more tactful and had a private conversation with your wife instead of calling her a hypocrite in front of the kids, but your point is exactly right. As someone who suffered through horrible acne in middle school, high school, and part of college (until Accutane came through for me), I got bullied mercilessly whenever I wasn’t wearing makeup.
To not allow Penny to explore at least minimal makeup is just setting her up for bullying, and middle school girls are BRUTAL.” ItsOnlyMaxwell
9. AITJ For Choosing A Full-Ride Scholarship Over My Parents' Preferred University?
“I (18F) got into the University of Virginia (UVA), and the College of William and Mary (W&M). UVA was one of my top schools for the longest time because I thought it was prestigious and it was pretty good for business since that is what I am majoring in.
However, I applied to other schools that I would go to besides UVA, in case I had gotten rejected. I mainly applied to schools within my state and nearby states.
I got into UVA, and that was exciting! On the contrary… the price tag was not attractive.
I would have to pay tens of thousands of dollars per year to go to UVA. On the other hand, I got accepted to W&M with a full ride! And a research grant, which would look very good to graduate schools and potential jobs!
Additionally, I would get the newest dorms available because I got the specific research grant!
I told my parents my options and they still want me to go to UVA because it is better for business. My parents said not to worry about money, but I do not want to be financially tied to them because they might take away my tuition or have control over my life since they are quite religious and conservative.
I toured both campuses, and I honestly liked W&M better because it was less busy compared to UVA! And… no student debt! Also, everyone was more helpful and friendly to me at W&M when I toured, and the tour was actually led by someone whereas UVA’s tour was self-led. Overall, I just liked the feeling of W&M better.
Now my parents are very disappointed in me in choosing W&M and trying to get me to change my decision. They are saying that I am selfish, careless, and too young to be making major life decisions. However, I asked all of my counselors, teachers, my smartest peers and just about everyone said they would choose W&M, given my decisions.
I tried to explain to my parents that undergrad does not matter, and that I’ll go to business school anyways after college/university. They are still firm on their decision because they are “immigrants who worked hard to give me the best possibilities, and to take the largest opportunity, which is UVA.” They say money isn’t a problem, but I am not comfortable with the decision.
They keep sending me statistics about how UVA is ranked higher and all of that, and are guilt-tripping me trying to change my mind. They have been crying non-stop about my decision (I haven’t committed yet), but honestly I think they just want bragging rights that I go to UVA.
So, AITJ for choosing to go to my choice of university/college over my parents’ preferences? Any help would be appreciated because they won’t support me anymore and I will be disowned if I go through with my decision.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Thomas Jefferson went to William & Mary.
It is a prestigious school. It’s a great choice for all the reasons you stated. No student debt is fantastic. Now you get to set your boundaries and do life the way you want and not the way your parents want. Let them lament. This is your life.
It’s crazy that they would disown you over this. That’s a threat/ultimatum that you do need to consider. If you do give in to them, then they will use that threat over you for the rest of your life. You may need to stand up to them now and go through a few years of turmoil.
I’m so sorry they are putting you in this position.” goldenfingernails
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. All of your reasoning is sound, you like the school better, you’re absolutely right that your undergrad isn’t as important in terms of prestige as your graduate program, and a full ride to college is a literal dream that you’ll be so glad you took when all of your friends are talking about their loans in five years.
You’re absolutely right to be concerned about tying your future debt to your parents’ whims if they can’t even let you make such an obvious choice without freaking out.” JNF919
Another User Comments:
“NTJ it is your life, your future, your schooling, your career. That means that it is 100% your decision.
It would be absolutely CRAZY to turn down such an amazing opportunity. I beg you OP, go to the school that will give the most opportunities. Do not let your parents guilt-trip you about it. This decision will affect you for the rest of your life.
Your parent’s guilt trips should not even be a factor when considering your options. I also find it so crazy hypocritical of them to say you are selfish. Their behavior is incredibly selfish and toxic. You’re too young? No, they are too old to be acting like this.” WifeofBath1984
8. AITJ For Calling My Partner An "Armchair Psychologist" For Using My Trauma In Arguments?
“I m24 have been in a relationship with my partner 24 for 2 years. I’ve noticed a trend in the past couple of arguments we’ve had. After finding out about my rough upbringing, she started using it to discredit my argument/explain my point of view.
For example, recently we argued about what can be reasonably expected from either of us. She had said she would do something for me (non-intimate) that was time-sensitive, but forgot. I got annoyed because it’s not the first time this has happened. I pointed out the pattern (albeit in a frustrated but not aggressive way), and she said that I was feeling this because of my past trauma.
The trauma I shared with her was nowhere near related to this. It was about neglect rather than people breaking their word. I haven’t felt that way about anyone “breaking promises” except her. She never promised, and I’m not saying she should. I’m ok with her breaking her word once in a while since I know it’s not on purpose.
But I also think she should take responsibility when it does happen. Instead, she blames me for taking it personally due to a trauma I never experienced, asserting she knows better about what my reasoning is or what’s going on in my head.
For context, she’s studying psych as an undergrad, and in arguments, she frequently brings up “I’ve seen studies on _____” when _____ is only tangentially related to the subject.
She has taken it personally when I point this out, or when I say that she doesn’t know my reasons and shouldn’t assume. She does this even when I clearly state my reasoning and point of view.
When things have escalated, I’ve called her an “armchair psychologist”, which I agree is over the top and aggressive, but the sentiment is valid, right?
If you’re going to bring up studies or theories, they should be applicable. Same with assuming my reasons. She only knows what I’ve told her so how can she state that for sure it’s related to my background?
She used the example “Say you’re in a coffee shop and see a pair of people sitting close together.
You can form an opinion on whether they’re in a relationship or friends. Why is it different to do it with someone’s background?” Whereas I think unless there’s evidence or an obvious tell(like kissing) people shouldn’t assume that their snap judgment is correct.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She used the example of, “Say you’re in a coffee shop and see a pair of people sitting close together. You can form an opinion on whether they’re in a relationship or friends. Why is it different to do it with someone’s background?” Because she actually **KNOWS you**.” StAlvis
Another User Comments:
“You can’t put a boundary on another person. It’s not how boundaries work. You can ask her not to voice her judgement but it will not work. People form judgments automatically, it’s part of being awake and conscious. You see a person riding a scooter toward you – you step away, and you see a person looking homeless – you would say “I saw a homeless person on the way to work”.
That’s not a jerk situation, you can ask her not to assume your behavior is due to that trauma, but that’s about it.” FatSadHappy
7. AITJ For Telling My Wife She Needs to Improve Her Pain Tolerance?
“My wife (32F) and I (34M) went to the gym yesterday morning and at some point, my wife (will call her Laura) scratched her finger on something.
Laura has a history of being selectively sensitive to pain and discomfort. She is a strong and capable woman I love, but if it’s 80 degrees with a breeze, Laura will talk herself into it being too cold to stay outside. The joke between us is she is like the princess and the pea story.
These things happen often.
I am not exaggerating when I say this time the “cut” was less than half a centimeter wide and 2mm across, just surface level, no larger than a paper cut. Later that night she remembered the cut and had what I would describe as a meltdown.
She said her finger pain was throbbing, she was feeling nauseous from the pain and said it was becoming too much.
I offered to clean it with hydrogen peroxide, but she said it would hurt too much. I said it bubbles but doesn’t burn and you need to clean it if you cut it on gym equipment because it’s dirty.
As soon as I put a few drops of hydrogen peroxide on it she collapsed to her knees and said she could not continue. I admit I got a little upset at the theatrics. But it was nothing new at this point.
Then after I rinsed the wound in the sink (she was still on her knees crying), I told her I was going to get Neosporin and a bandaid to which she begged me not to add Neosporin because it would hurt.
I explained to Laura that Neosporin actually would cause no pain and even add potential relief. She yelled when I put it on and nearly fainted.
At this point, I was a little upset and potentially the jerk. I tried to explain to Laura that her body was very resilient and she is a tough person because I’ve seen it in our workouts and the way she can work through brutal work challenges and environments.
However, she needs to work on her psychological hang-up on discomfort like this.
We want to have kids in the next 2 years and in all honesty I don’t think she can handle childbirth right now. I said it’s something we can work on together, but to start, she needs to get serious and adopt the mentality that her body can handle a lot!
I told her it’s upsetting that she seems to just give up and surrender to any pain like she has no will to shake it off. “What example would we be setting for our child?” “What would happen if you were injured and needed to get help without me?”
We ended up getting into an argument about this, I feel like a jerk, but I don’t know how I could have approached this differently.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m not going to call you the jerk because I absolutely could not live with that amount of drama regularly, but you should probably consider either getting her to see a doctor for her pain tolerance issues or getting her to see a therapist. In the meantime, let her deal with her injuries.
If she complains about how much pain she’s in, offer to either give her Tylenol or take her to the ER, but otherwise leave her alone to melt down. If she stops getting attention from them, she might stop doing it. Either way, you’re right about kids.
Even if there were any way she could survive pregnancy, let alone childbirth, you’d risk having her turn your kids into neurotic hypochondriac messes.” whitewater
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You described how my 5-year-old reacts to cuts. Selective pain and serious over dramatics. I am working with him to understand that these things are part of life and just a normal part of taking care of your body.
I snapped both bones in my arm recently and almost died giving birth a few months ago…pain is a fundamental part of the human condition and I try to model and discuss that with my kid. As I tell my son, crying is fine if you’re hurt, refusing to handle the care of your body with equanimity is not.
Your wife is crazy immature and if you do have kids with her in her current state of behavior you’re going to raise kids that behave the same. ” Other_Personality453
Another User Comments:
“So, as an autistic person with some wacky sensory stuff going on, I can see both sides.
Something is awry if she’s having that strong a reaction to things. Instead of just dismissing it, it would be worth getting that looked into. That being said, I also understand how frustrating it must be to have to handle something like this daily. Tentative no jerks here but an issue needs resolving here with something other than basically “git gud”.” Leigeofgoblins
6. AITJ For Going Through My Friend's Room?
“I just moved in with my best friend and her mother about four months ago to start college. Everything has been great, up until about two months ago. My best friend’s other friend, I’ll call her Lucy for the sake of this post, unexpectedly got kicked out of her house, so we let her move in TEMPORARILY.
We never meant for her to be a permanent resident, and we made that clear.
Recently,, my friend, her mother have all been missing things, mostly makeup/perfume, things like that. Well, my friend informs me that Lucy has had a bad habit of ‘borrowing’ (aka stealing) things from her and that she has found her personal belongings in Lucy’s bags before.
We tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. We would ask if she’s seen certain things, to keep a look out for them. She’d always deny seeing them. It was always ‘I don’t know’.
So yesterday when Lucy was gone, My friend and I went into the room that she’s been staying in, and lo and behold, we found everything.
Everything that we had been missing was in her room.
Understandably, my friend gets angry and confronts Lucy over the phone. Lucy gets upset off and says that she feels unsafe, aggravated and that her privacy has been breached. While that’s true, she did the exact same thing to us, how does she think that we feel?
To get these items, she had to go into our rooms while we weren’t in the house. She had to dig.
I did my best to stay out of it because even though I was upset, my friend knew Lucy way better, but of course, I had to be dragged into it.
Lucy even tried to divert attention by bringing up that my friend was ‘replacing’ her with me, which I honestly have no idea where that even came from.
I do feel guilty for joining my friend in looking for our stuff, but I feel like part of it was justified, since our trust in her was already broken.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She got caught and is trying to wiggle out of it by projecting her faults onto you guys. If you can, kick her out and warn all folks in your friend circle.” AffectionateCable793
Another User Comments:
“Got a suitcase or suitcases?
You can lock those, so put your most private stuff there. My snoopy roommate actually broke the lock on one side to get into my suitcase until she realized she wouldn’t be able to re-lock it and I’d know she had tried to open it.
Total jerk. I had to attach my stuff with nine cables to the bed and the door so she wouldn’t just walk away with things.” Anenhotep
5. AITJ For Not Wanting My Husband's Friend To Move In?
“So my husband has told his married friends (24m) & (24f) that they could move in with us & our kids without having that conversation with me first. They also have a 2yo son.
They are late on their rent and have a court date for the eviction coming up and they have had 1/2 of their vehicles repossessed. A few reasons as to why I don’t want them moving in is;
- I enjoy the privacy we have (whenever we can get it)
- His married friends are in a very toxic relationship for example; they both talk bad about each other in front of us, he was going out almost every weekend to strip clubs (this is a big reason imo why they didn’t have money to pay their bills) & would be out past 5am (I only know this bc he would ask my husband to be his DD which he did twice but I put my foot down with that.
I am not comfortable with my husband 1 going to strip clubs and 2 being out that late. If he wants you to ruin his marriage that’s fine but you’re not gonna drag mine into the flames too.
- I get really weird vibes from his wife.
Idk she talks bad about her husband in front of him & when mine is around she is just bubbly and weird imo. And if they were to stay with us my husband & she would be home while I work.
- His wife disciplines differently when it comes to her son.
I really wouldn’t want her treating my kids that way.
S/N I am very upset that my husband has made this decision without my consideration. When we had a conversation about him making decisions (especially big ones) w/o speaking with me, he said he is working on his impulsivity.
That was about a week ago when we had that conversation. I thought they had gotten their situation figured out when her husband got paid however, I just found out that is not the case as he invited them over and the wife was talking about what all she could help out with if/when they move in.
Am I the jerk for wanting him to tell his friends they cannot live with us & need to figure it out on their own?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If these people are having this kind of issue what makes your husband so sure they will suddenly be above board with you and won’t cause any problems?
How can he guarantee they won’t trash your house or worse? But the biggest issue here is he didn’t ask you first …. He just did it, We’re talking about a big life adjustment on your personal space here….Not something small What else is your husband planning without talking to you?
For me this is a hill to die on….You say “Under no circumstances are they living here” and if he disagrees then you REALLY need to reconsider this marriage since he clearly doesn’t respect you” ColdstreamCapple
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think your husband just has his heart at the right place but not informing and talk about it was a big mistake.
Talk to your husband again and tell him that you are not feeling comfortable to have these people around. You obviously don’t want them in your own home and that is your right! Tell him if they move in then you will move out because you don’t want to be disrespected in your own home.
He didn’t talk to you about your opinion so you never said it is okay that they move in. He made this mess and he needs to figure out now what to do. ” Consistent-Studio129
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell your husband NO. Tell the friends NO. If my husband did this, I would be *furious.* He doesn’t have a unilateral say over your home.
You both need to agree. If one of you says no, it’s a no. If he kicks off, tell him that he can get a second job to privately fund their living costs, but that it will not come out of household funds, and they will NOT be living in your home.
End of story. His impulsivity is his problem. Do not let the consequences fall on you and your children. And if they try to move in any way, call the police at once. Put it in a text that they do NOT have permission to enter your home so you have proof to show the police.” Cursd818
4. AITJ For Boarding My Flight Without My Friend Who Was Late?
“It was a weekend birthday trip for myself. Fast forward to the last day and we are heading home (3 of us on the same flight, 2 other friends left earlier) let’s call my friends K and D.
My friend K leaves her phone at the Airbnb. She discovered this while in line waiting for breakfast at a hotel. We’re in Las Vegas btw. So she asked for my or my friends’ phone to Uber to and from the Airbnb and possibly meet us at the airport.
I gave her my phone.
She arrived at the Airbnb and called D to let us know she had trouble finding her phone. We said okay, well we will meet you at the airport if you can’t find it. She found it but it took awhile.
D texted her (our group chat) and said okay we are heading to the airport. Before she left the breakfast, we told her to be at the airport at 12:30. We all had the same flight.
D and I arrive at the airport and I realize I have K’s ID and CC.
Why do I have it you ask? Because she asked me to hold it on Friday when we went to a pool party. She never took it back from me and I forgot I had it.
I tried to give her ID to the airline and they refused. I said so if I leave with her ID is she stuck in Vegas forever?
They said no, she just has to do extra screening.
She was late. The flight BOARDED at 12:30. Yes you’re supposed to be 2 hours early for a flight. D and I know that we were pushing it.
12:45-1:00 K calls and she is downstairs but we have scanned our tickets to board.
I asked them to bring my friend’s ID to TSA since I was afraid of missing my flight. They said no, and if I leave the plane is taking off in 9 minutes with or without you. I chose to not risk it and boarded. K did not make the flight.
The lady at the gate said she would take K’s ID and hold it.
K is blaming me for the “miscommunication” about the time for boarding and for *potentially* taking off with her ID and leaving her stranded. She said I don’t “travel like family” and she “can’t trust to travel with me.”
I didn’t leave her stranded. I was told she could fly home just fine. It’s not the first time someone has lost their ID in Vegas…. Not
To note: while at the Airbnb she said she found her phone and thought she had extra time so she was “just chillin’” and made 2 15 minute calls on my phone to a mutual friend.
One call was at 11:55 and D had texted her at 11:56 that we were on our way to the airport…”
Another User Comments:
“Leaning towards ESH: You told her to be at the airport at 12.30, which was when boarding started. She would have missed the flight anyway, even if she had been on time because check-in would have closed. The airline staff were the wrong people to ask.
You should have given them to the **Airport staff** instead. Most airports have a lost property area in the airport. She could have collected it from there. At the end of the day, she is an adult. It is her her responsibility to know * Where her phone is * Where her ID is * Where her credit card is * What time her flight is.
She sounds extremely irresponsible.” Impossible_Rain_4727
3. AITJ For Not Taking Our Kids on Our Annual Anniversary Trip?
“Hubby and I plan an anniversary trip for JUST the 2 of us and we don’t take any of our 9 kids.
Are we jerks for not taking (and paying for) all our kids to accompany us on vacation?
Hubby (49M) and I (50F) take an anniversary vacation every year to an adult-only resort. We have 9 kids between the two of us ranging from 12 to 28.
Hubby and I started seeing each other in 2015.
We both have kids from previous marriages- a LOT of ’em (Him, 23F, 20F. 19M, 17.5M. Me, 28F, 26F, 23F, 15M, 12F). When this controversy started, his kids resided with his ex about 2 miles from our house. Hubby has always been very involved with his kids, a very hands-on parent.
They come over multiple times a week.
It takes a whole year of planning and saving, but we take one no-kids vacation per year. My kids understand and haven’t made a big deal. His kids, going back to when they were in middle school/junior high, have expressed displeasure.
“Why are you taking Dad on vacation but not us”. “If Dad gets to go somewhere we’re supposed to go too.” I laughed it off at first, writing it off as typical preteen entitlement, and explaining that the reason WHY it’s “vacation” is because there are no kids constantly asking for this-n-that, complaining, picking over the food only to cry about being hungry an hour later, etc. We do take them to other things locally regularly.
When we got married in 2018, his kids tried to invite themselves to our honeymoon and were again upset that they didn’t come with us.
Now they’re in high school/college/young professional – one’s an RN making $45 an hour. The 2nd oldest just took a job making $30/hour working 50 hrs a week.
The 3rd oldest gets a full SSI benefit check and the youngest works 30 hours a week at a hospital – none of them have rent or utility bills.
The topic came up again in January “Why aren’t you taking US too?”, referring to this year’s anniversary trip to Jamaica in June.
I said okay- if y’all want to join this time, great. LMK and I’ll send you the link to start making payments on your reservation and airfare.
That was a big blow-up. They are offended that I won’t 100% pay their way to take a vacation.
3 of them are… shall we say… of SIZE (300+ pounds) and I don’t even want to try to calculate how much it would take to feed all of them every single day. Plus they are all somewhat negative- there’s always a dark cloud following them. They rarely smile, and they complain a lot (we found that out when taking them places over the years).
We don’t want the drama and maintenance when we take some time away. Hubby agrees- but he’s taking the brunt of all 4 of them demanding that they be handed a free vacation.
I realize this problem is very first-world, so I might be the jerk for that reason too.
I love them all but are hubby and I the jerks for wanting a kid-free week?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ Have you ever taken your children on an extended vacation? You said driving distance, but is that just for one or two days? Have they ever gone on a week-long vacation with you?
I can’t imagine going on a luxury vacation every single year and never taking my kids somewhere. ” Piaffe_zip16
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Over 18 they are not “kids” but adults and they can manage their vacations or not. Under that they are minors and you should be taking them on some sort of vacation.
You can have “off-spring free” vacations too, of course. But who taught your children to “constantly ask for this-n-that, complain, pick over the food only to cry about being hungry an hour later, etc”? Their behavior is at least partially due to the parents who enable it.
Why does none of your adult offspring have rent or utility bills? Why are they not independent adults?” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Yes, they’re adults now. But they were kids for many years in the past when you decided to use up family funds and the only free time you had to get away from them.
And the absolute lack of telling your kids, who you decided to have, that you want to get away from them. Now you don’t have the excuse you used before, them being kids and wanting their parents’ attention, and you found a new way to make them look bad for wanting to go on a vacation with you.
YTJ for procreating when you didn’t want to be parents. Forget aquariums, museums, restaurants, etc. If those places are so great, why do you need a vacation??” miriamcek
2. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Grow Up And Stop Being Petty With Her Family?
“I (17F) live with my mom (38F) and my brother (4M). My mom is a single parent and I love her very much, despite all our many disagreements. I care a lot about her and my brother so it’s very crushing to see her upset, especially by people she loves.
Unfortunately, my immediate family and my extended family have never gotten along, and lots of arguments have caused extremely high tensions between everyone. As a kid, I spent a lot of time with my cousins, as we were only 2-3 years apart, and I also spent a lot of time with all my aunts.
We would all do everything together.
Despite all of this, when I turned 12, I noticed I wasn’t hanging out or contacting them as much anymore. Slowly it went from once every few weeks, to once every few months, until contact had been cut down to a “happy birthday” message once a birthday rolled around, usually very late.
The older I got, the more I started realizing how destructive our family was. The more they allowed me to witness, the more I realized the rift between us was caused not by general issues, but by the individual family members and the way they let their emotions control their lives.
I’ve watched my mom and her sisters have some of the pettiest arguments I have ever seen, but I always feel obliged to keep to myself as my whole family viewed me as the quiet, respectable young woman.
On a particularly bad day last week, my mom got on the phone with my aunt and I could hear the yelling floating from her room to mine, I can tell you that it might have been one of the most ridiculous arguments I have heard between two people over the age of 35.
I won’t go into too much detail but my mom was convinced that she was right and wouldn’t reason with her sister, so I stepped in right after she got off the phone and more or less told her that she was a grown woman screaming down the phone (at 2 in the morning) over something that could be resolved extremely easily, and that she needed to grow up.
That same night, I got in contact with my two cousins (18M & 19M) and asked them if they could speak to their mom, the sister my mom was arguing with. She happens to be more unreasonable than my own, so I made sure I was clear that if they didn’t want to speak to her about such a touchy subject, that was completely fine.
They still insisted they would talk to her and that they would get back to me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is a grown woman in charge of her own emotions. If a 17 yo can see this is a petty disagreement, surely a 35+ yo woman could see it’s a petty disagreement.
It’s not fair to you or your brother to have to listen to this, especially at 2 am. If they upset her so much then she needs to cut contact. I wouldn’t have gotten involved with the other family members, but that’s just me.
I don’t think you did anything wrong though.” zoiinksscooby
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. The correct response to anyone screaming at 2 am for no good reason is to chew them out and tell them to grow up. I get siblings can be petty, I’ve been there, but that’s ridiculous.
If anything, I suggest to keep up the feedback on your mother if you can. If you can’t, I understand. I also grew up in a volatile environment so I 100% know where your anxious response is coming from. If being quiet and to yourself keeps your quality of life better, go for it.
But if she’s going to improve, it’s not likely going to happen without constructive feedback. In my experience sometimes parents receive criticism from their kids is how to open their eyes. For what it’s worth, any effect on the family *is not your fault.* You said it yourself, your family is destructive with how emotionally immature they are.
That is not your responsibility so try not to feel guilty about it, okay? If anything if asking two adults to be mature is rocking the boat, then the boat needs to be rocked. It’s a conversation that *needs* to happen. Deep breathes.” DemonicIntegrity
1. AITJ For Being Disgusted By My Partner?
“I (24F) have been with my partner (23M) for just over a year now. He recently had to move back in with his parents in the suburbs and is now commuting at least 40 minutes to and from work every day.
(If traffic is backed up it can take him close to an hour.) During the drive home, there isn’t anywhere you can stop to use a bathroom once you are out of city limits – it’s just long stretches of field until you get into the residential areas.
For medical reasons, he needs to stay very hydrated at all times, which of course, means he is peeing at all times.
Last night we went out for dinner and on the way home I noticed an empty ice cream bucket on his back seat.
He keeps his car pretty immaculate so it was strange to see any kind of trash just lying on the seat. I laughed and said something like, “Wow, really letting yourself go, huh?” He said, “Haha, no, that’s my emergency pee bucket.” I thought he was joking but it turns out he was dead serious.
I asked him if he’s actually used it and still entirely deadpan, says, “Two or three times, yeah.” He told me he dumps it in the dirt behind his fence and rinses it out with a hose once he gets home. I was shocked by this.
I told him it was disgusting and he could wait until he got home because he’s not 3 years old. Or better yet, just pee before you leave like a civilized adult. I could understand if he was dealing with incontinence or a leaky bladder, but he doesn’t have either.
His ability to hold his pee is the same as anyone else, he just has to do it a lot.
My comment about him acting like a 3-year-old upset him quite a bit. He snapped back with something like, “Toddlers don’t drink 4 liters of water every day, and comparing me to one is offensive.” He dropped me off without kissing me goodbye like he always does and didn’t contact me at all until this afternoon and even now is just giving me one-word responses.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So apparently having a medical condition is less important than “behaving like a civilized adult.” I can get grossed out by it, but your attitude here is absolutely horrible. It’s not like he’s doing this because he enjoys it. He’s doing this because he has no other choice.
And you’re making him feel like a monster for it. There are likely other answers here (car urinals and such), but “Just hold it because you’re gross and childish if you don’t” is NOT the response of a loving or caring partner.” BetweenWeebandOtaku
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s not even gross. Its urine. Every human in existence has it, and the fact that you’re grossed out by it quite frankly makes you the 3-year-old. He’s not just peeing on the floor. He’s peeing in a container in an emergency and cleaning it out.
I swear if the world ever crumples it’s people like you that will die first. Did you know bathrooms used to not be a thing? Humans used to go wherever all the time. Shocking dirty people I tell ya.” FilthyBlegh
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