People Need Honest Answers To Their Questions About Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
17. AITJ For Giving My Mom A Copy Of The Key To Our House?
“I (M34) recently bought a one-story house.
Note that it was purchased solely by me, my wife did not help save for it (I started saving for it before I even met her) and it’s in my name.
When my parents threw us a party for this happy occasion, mom asked for a copy of the key in case of an emergency.
I let her have it which made my wife upset. She didn’t say anything at the time but she waited til we were alone and started arguing with me saying I shouldn’t have let my mother have a copy of the key. I said, ‘why?!’ Since my mother is known to respect privacy and is a very trusted member of the family.
She said that she does not feel ‘comfortable’ with the idea of someone else, who’s not a resident having a copy of the key. She also brought up how my mother didn’t pay a penny towards the house so this should ‘disqualify her’ from getting the key.
I said it was not a big deal but she kept persisting saying I need to take the key back.
Quite frankly, this had me fuming. I pointed out that I’m the one who bought the house and it’s my decision to decide who gets to have a copy of the key end of the story.
She screamed at me saying that ‘technically’ she did contribute towards the house savings back when she used to pay for our rent and daily expenses while I saved money. I told her that she was acting as if I put my mom’s name on the title which’s ridiculous but she said that I have no respect for her opinions and keep undermining her input.
We’ve been going back and forth on it since then. She’s now ‘letting me know’ that if I don’t take the key back then she’ll do it herself. I think she’s being irrational and unreasonable acting like that over a copy of the house key.
This decision I made could save us in case of an emergency but she kept downplaying it.
E.T.A. I think it’s crucial to mention that there’s no conflict between my mother and my wife. They’re on near-perfect terms.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your attitude of ‘I paid for it’ isn’t on.
You’re married; it’s ‘our home’ not ‘my home’ now. In any case, your wife is right, she absolutely has financially contributed to the property. She paid the rent which allowed you to save. Pretty disgusting of you to dismiss this.
Your mother having a key to your home is a big deal and something you and your wife both need to be comfortable with.
If you aren’t mature enough to make joint decisions with your wife, you shouldn’t be married. I think your wife is right; you don’t seem to respect her at all.
A huge red flag is that you only put the house in your name. You’ve basically used your wife to enable you to do what you want.” happybanana134
Another User Comments:
“Ok… so YTJ.
I’d be willing to bet you’ve been married less than 2 years and are under the age of 30.
Here’s something you’re going to learn about marriage. It’s not ‘mine’ anymore it’s ‘ours’.
If you ‘saved’ while she paid rent and other expenses, then she 100% contributed to the house.
Let’s say you did this for 3 years and you saved $30 grand (10 grand a year) Meanwhile, your wife paid rent. Let’s take it easy and say the rent was $850 plus expenses of another $150. That would mean while you saved 10k a year she was spending 12k a year while you didn’t contribute.
Also, trust, communication, and honesty are key to any marriage to survive. Lose one of them the other two fall away. For example, you didn’t communicate you were going to give your mom a key to your wife, that’s a breakdown of communication, then you threw it in her face that the house is ‘YOURS’.
I’m going to warn you right now, playing that throw-it-in-her-face game that the house is yours and not ours is a simple and easy way to divorce your butt because you act and sound like a toddler.” IamAustinCG
Another User Comments:
“You’re not only the jerk, you are at the very least financially abusive to your wife, and on a speculative level, possibly emotionally abusive.
First, this is your wife’s home too. Stop treating her like a guest in YOUR home and treat her like the equal partner she is and this means she gets a say in who gets a key. So time to start acting like the rational adult you supposedly are and get the key back from your mother as soon as possible.
But beyond that, you’re the jerk for even more reasons. The fact that you didn’t include her name on the house when she sacrificed financially in order for you to be able to save to purchase the house speaks volumes about not only how you feel about and treat your wife, but also about the kind of person you are.
Also, for the record, I don’t think it matters that her name isn’t on the house because in most developed nations if you’re married she is still entitled to half of it and I hope to god she knows that for when she inevitably leaves you.
YTJ” Fox_steph
16. AITJ For Expecting My Partner To Cancel Her Plans For Me?
“My partner is super into hiking and we planned a trip to Cali that involved a hike in the Grand Canyon she always wanted to do. We did a hike the day before that was too intense for me and I’m not as fit as her.
I finished but I couldn’t go the other hike aka the dream hike of hers. It was also not meant to be done in one day and the rangers said it was hard to do in one day and not advised.
She said she was confident she could do it saying she had hiked harder and she is very fit but I just felt like she was discounting what the rangers said.
I said I wasn’t going and she said she would go alone and I asked her to wait till tomorrow for me to recover. She said the weather report had a 30% chance of rain for tomorrow and that she wasn’t going to give up on a bucket list hike and if I still wanted to do it tomorrow she would do it again with me.
I got mad because I felt like she was ok with abandoning me with nothing to do at her campsite and I didn’t want to talk to her that evening but she didn’t seem to care and prepped for her hike.
She finished it the next day and I feel like she didn’t care that I was too tired to hike and chose to go without me.
To me, the people are more important than the activities but to her, she definitely wanted to finish the hike at all costs.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Her purpose for being there was this dream hike or hers, sounds like your purpose was to hike with her which she tried to accommodate by doing the hike with you again the following day.
She didn’t abandon you she simply is doing more than you. Might suck for some but that’s life. It’s not like she left you for a week. And saying with nothing to do, that sounds like you weren’t prepared. There are plenty of things you can do at a campsite that doesn’t involve hiking the trails.
You could’ve brought things to keep you occupied. Just because you can’t do something doesn’t mean she shouldn’t, especially when she was making changes to her plans for you.” OopsMyBad21
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She needed to do that hike when she needed to do it.
You may never understand how it fed her soul to be there in the moment. It wasn’t a reflection on you or your relationship with her until you made it about you. It’s not a reflection on your fitness, knowing what you can or can’t achieve is important.
But somehow you’re mad at her for being more prepared.
It IS a reflection on your relationship that you wanted her to give up something important to her, the rangers gave advice based on the typical visitor, you’re using that to paint her in a bad light even though she successfully completed the hike.
Where’s your pride in her achievement? Why are you sulking that this strong, proud woman is yours?
She loves you and that means she loves your dreams too. Love her, love her strength, love her dreams because these are what make her… her.” ItisntRocketSurgery
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you admit in the last line that your reasons for going on this trip are different. You went in order to spend time with her, she went in order to fulfill a lifelong dream. Both of those values are valid reasons to go on the trip, but you can’t expect her to come all this way to fulfill a dream and then just pass up that opportunity because you’re too tired and sore.
It’s great that you wanted to spend time with her but if you actually value her happiness you wouldn’t be holding this against her.
It would be one thing if you were worried about her going on the hike alone, that’s a valid concern from a partner, but you just don’t want her doing things that are important to her without you present.
That’s controlling and not what love is about.” genderlessadventure
15. AITJ For Not Allowing My Partner's Friend To Wear My Necklace?
“My partner and I have been together for four years and we recently celebrated our anniversary. He got me a really beautiful necklace that has both our birthstones and our cats. I’ve been obsessed with it since he gave me it and I’ve been wearing it everywhere I can.
His family throws monthly get-togethers we normally miss them since they aren’t the nicest people to me but he had promised them he’d come this time since it was his little sister’s birthday. He told me I didn’t have to go but I felt a little bad if I let him deal with them alone so I decided to come along too.
The get-together was fine until his friend well more like ex-friend came up to me and started gushing over my necklace. I would have taken it as a normal compliment if I didn’t know how this girl was. She has been in love with my partner since they were teens and apparently she has yet to let it go.
My partner saw how she was annoying me and took me away to get some more food and when we came back she came right back up to me and begged me to let her try on the necklace. What possessed her to even ask that is beyond me but I politely declined and told her I wasn’t comfortable with her doing that.
She kept on pleading and telling me how she just wanted to see how it would look on her.
I snapped at her telling her she was pushing my boundaries and said ‘for the love of god please stop asking.’ She got upset and looked a bit teary-eyed. She went to the other room dragging my partner’s little sister with her and I could tell they were ranting about me.
My partner’s mom pulled me aside and said I was being unreasonable and if I had a heart in me I would have just let the poor girl try it on.
I walked away from her to go get my partner so we could leave because I was seconds away from losing it and I heard a couple of his family members talking about how much of a witch I am.
My partner has been reassuring me that I was completely right for how I acted and that his ex-friend needed to let it go but I still can’t help but feel upset about it. I don’t know if she was necessarily aware of the context of the necklace or that my partner gave it to me but I thought it was pretty obvious.
I also did somewhat cause a scene at his sister’s party so that’s making me feel like I’m wrong as well.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Whether that girl knew the significance of the necklace or not, it was yours. You said no, she should have been a big girl and let it go.
She kept pestering you, the only way for her to stop was for you to be a little tough. She couldn’t take it and got a reason to complain about you. Something tells me she wasn’t trying to be friendly with you, she just wanted to cause a scene purposely making you uncomfortable.
She knows his family doesn’t like you and was taking advantage of the situation. Please don’t feel like the jerk, it’s very clear she and his family will always be the jerks.” AshleyB7172000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I mean sure, you could have said something along the line of ‘this necklace has very high sentimental value to me and I never give it out of my hands, for me it’s like if you would ask me to take off my wedding ring or something similar’ to make it more clear that general boundary and not one explicitly for her, but that would maybe only had tone down the in-law’s reaction and not hers.
It’s definitely a weird request on the friend’s age. If she is like 11 – 14 I can see why everything shiny would be a temptation for her, but if she is older, it’s creepy.” Every_Caterpillar945
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She wanted to pretend that she was the SO vs.
you, and I doubt that you’d have gotten the necklace back.
As your partner is on your side, I hope he messages his family to tell them that he has 0 interest in going out with a high school girl and that he is ashamed of how they treat you.
Until they can promise to use the manners they taught him, then he will not be coming around. He is tired of them disrespecting his choice in who to date.” Knittingfairy09113
14. AITJ For Talking Trash About My Deceased Sister?
“My (23F) sister passed away three years ago. She was 29, we were 9 years apart, and she was a teen mom, her daughter (her name is not Jane but I’ll call her that here) was 12, and is 15 right now.
I was living with them at the time, had been for two years, and was mostly the person taking care of my niece in the afternoons since I got out of work before my sister. I’d been babysitting a lot when I was in high school too, I’d say I’ve had a pretty big hand in taking care of her since I was like 13.
After my sister passed away, the dad got custody so I see Jane a lot less now, although I try to visit a lot and I am still mostly who she comes to with her problems or to rant.
Now, I loved my sister. Our family is complicated and also having a kid at 17 is hard and I understand why she was not a good mother but she was still very much not a good mother.
I mean, when I was still living at home she’d sometimes just drop Jane off with us ‘for the afternoon’ and then just be gone and post pictures of herself on road trips or something then be back weeks later. She was also just mean to Jane unprompted, she always had a really short temper and it was clear she didn’t have the patience to deal with a kid being a kid.
Anyways, when my sister was alive, I’d try to talk to Jane about some of this and just explain that it wasn’t actually normal for her to act like that and that she didn’t deserve to be insulted like that and just give her a space where she got to actually be mad at her mom since people act like not worshipping the ground your mother walks on is insane.
After my sister passed away, obviously it stopped and it’s taken a while for Jane to talk about her at all but recently she’s started talking to me about it and there’s just a lot of guilt there about having been mad at her so often and I’ve just kind of tried to give her the same space as before, one where she gets to talk badly about her mother without being shamed for it.
And, yeah, I’ve talked badly about her too. I clearly have opinions about it and I have my own stories of how genuinely vile she could be that I’ve told Jane.
It’s mostly that last part that I’m being called a jerk for by Jane’s dad.
He contacted me recently essentially to scold me for speaking ill of the deceased and for encouraging Jane to say that my sister wasn’t a good mother to her. And, listen, I won’t apologize for letting Jane talk to me about her own feelings but maybe it was too much to actually give my input there.
I don’t know, am I a jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You are doing great by giving your niece a safe space to process her feelings without judgment.
I’m unclear as to whether or not the father and your sister were a couple at the time of her passing, but at the very least I’m sure he cared for her as the mother of his child.
He’s grieving and trying to do right by his grieving child. I’m sure he’s scared that Jane could be negatively psychologically impacted by rehashing these things that she will never be able to find closure for.
In the end, there is no one right way to grieve and move on.
Your niece has expressed that being able to talk openly and honestly about how things actually were, instead of sugar-coating them out of respect for the deceased, has helped her feel normal about having conflicting emotions surrounding her mother. That is huge.
If she were younger, I might say to listen to her father’s wishes.
But she’s 15. She’s old enough to choose for herself how she deals with her own emotions and her own brain. So I’d say continue to do what you’re doing.” Nimindir
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, there’s nothing wrong with giving her a safe space to work through these complicated feelings but I would watch the line between empathizing with her and getting out your own grievances with your sister to a fifteen-year-old.
It would probably help jane to know some good stories of her mother caring and loving her as well so she understands everyone is complicated and despite not being great I’m sure her mother did love her. Also, I’d wholeheartedly suggest therapy for yourself if you haven’t been doing so already because it sounds like you went through a lot that shouldn’t have been put on you!” coybowbabey
Another User Comments:
“Ok. Here’s the deal with kids who lost a parent young. They should be in quality therapy and you should be following the therapist’s suggestions in how you discuss the deceased. Kids cycle through stages of grief. They will idolize their lost parent for periods of time and then they will turn around and demonize them for leaving them, or for how they treated them while alive.
It’s a normal process for them and what they need is a stable, secure message about their dead parent that neither paints them as a monster nor glosses over the bad part.
There are ways to acknowledge the bad behavior that is neutral and that will not disregard what the kid has gone through.
It does not sound like you are discussing her mom in that way. Please seek some sort of therapy to assist not only her daughter but the entire family to learn how to best address this. Hospice organizations can even point you to free options for this.
Yta, with good intentions until now but please do better.” SoloPiName
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely beyond a shadow of a doubt NTJ.
Your niece’s feelings are normal and deserve space and empathy. Your feelings are normal and deserve space and empathy. Talking about the ways in which your sister failed as a parent is an entirely valid way of processing her loss.
You’ll both go through periods of missing her, periods of being angry at her, and periods of being sad about the ways in which she failed. And those feelings will be especially potent as your niece approaches the same age at which your sister became pregnant with her.
Suppressing them for the comfort of your niece’s father only serves her father. He is not your priority – she is.
Please continue to be a safe and supportive presence for your niece. Listen to her feelings about your sister, both negative and positive, with patience and empathy.
The more freedom she’s given to talk through them, the easier it will be for her to come to terms with her childhood, and accept the fact that she will never get a chance to hear her mother apologize. Accept the fact that it’s still okay to be sad and to miss someone who was frequently unkind to her.
She is creating her own closure, and no one should be shutting that down.
I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you and your family find peace.” DiTrastevere
13. AITJ For Telling My Grandma That She's Being Controlling Of My Mother?
“I (22M) live with my mother (41F). She’s a single mother because my father passed away when I was two months old. My parents had a very short relationship (under two years) but it was very intense and they loved each other immensely. They eloped around 7 months into their relationship and my mother still wears their wedding photo in a locket around her neck.
When my father passed, my mother was extremely traumatized and she has never gone out with anyone since. When I asked her why she never moved on, she always said that she wanted my father to be her first and last partner.
I grew up extremely close to my paternal family.
My mother has a strained relationship with her family, so after she was widowed, she moved in with my paternal grandparents and they helped her raise me until we moved out when I was ten. We remained in the same town though and saw each other almost daily.
When I was younger, my paternal grandparents encouraged my mom to go out and meet new people so I’d have siblings to grow up with but she didn’t want to do that. They accepted it and then began to praise her for staying single because that shows how much she loved my father.
Essentially, my entire paternal family thinks that she’s amazing for staying single which I think is weird. Obviously, it’s her choice to stay single but for them, it’s some sort of weird jealousy where they believe she belongs to the family. She also cared for my grandfather when he had cancer.
Recently, a few deaths have occurred in my mother’s family and she sort of had an epiphany where she realized that she didn’t want to die alone. Obviously, I wouldn’t let that happen but she decided that she wanted to start going out with and meeting people.
I helped her set up some profiles and she started going out with Henry (44M). He’s a very nice man and he has two daughters in their early twenties and late teens who are also very nice too.
When my grandparents found out that my mother had started seeing other men, they were not very happy.
They were being passive-aggressive about it at first, but yesterday at a family gathering, my grandmother started calling my mother selfish. She accused my mother of lying when she said that she wanted my father to be her first and last partner and my mother ended up in tears.
I immediately got involved and told my grandmother to leave my mom alone. She told me that I shouldn’t be happy about my mother seeing other men, and I said that she was being weird and controlling towards my mother and she needed to stop.
I also said that my mother was a traumatized teenager when my father passed so it’s unreasonable to hold her to things she said back then. We left straight away, and my aunt called me to say that I was being a jerk and out of line for insulting my grandma.
According to her, the family is being reminded of my father’s death now that his widow (my mother) is moving on and it’s a difficult time. I’m not being callous but I think they’re overreacting, it’s been 22 years. My aunt is demanding that I apologize.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
One of the things that often happens to people as they age, is any change from what is the world order – from their viewpoint – becomes threatening. People as they age often become less resilient and fearful when required to adapt.
When you and your mom were younger, your extended family was more able to deal with the idea of your mom moving on. Now, it’s rocked their expectation of the future. It puts them in a position where they may no longer be the center of attention.
It’s a cause for fear, whether they recognize it or not. Maybe they are the ones at risk of dying alone because you and your mom will move on to a ‘better’ family.
Anyway, that’s my guess of what’s happening.” Jaded-Moose983
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They are most likely responding out of fear that a new man in her life could push them out of the picture. They treasure the close relationship they’ve had with your mom and don’t want to lose it.
That said, they are not acting reasonably or fairly.
If they keep acting like this, they may find their fears coming to fruition, based on their own bad behavior.
Hopefully, they will come around and realize that they should be wishing her happiness and accept a new person in her life if they want to stay in the picture.” tlf555
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: You shouldn’t have to apologize for being right. Sometimes the truth hurts. Your family is being unfairly cruel to your mother to make themselves feel better. All moved forward and we’re not made to feel guilty because she was staying stagnant them all.
She deserves to move on and be happy instead of their built-in carer and grieving party when they want to remember your dad. I hope mum sees loads of people, makes many friends, finds another love to grow old with, and enjoys the rest of her life.
She deserves to be happy after so much grief. I wish you both the best in the future.” User
12. AITJ For Wanting A Break From Baby Duties?
“My wife and I have a six-month-old baby girl. She’s mostly a stay-at-home mom, she works two half days a week and her sister watches the baby.
I work full-time and go to school one day a week. We’ve always had an arrangement where she takes care of the household duties (cooking, cleaning, and now baby care) while I happily support her monetarily. Honestly, we are both living our dream life and my wife does an absolutely spectacular job taking care of me and our little one.
On the weekends, we share the baby duty. We usually make sure each of us gets our own alone time to do whatever we want. However, our girl has hit a bit of a sleep regression, waking up every two hours – since my wifebreastfeedseds, she’s always taken care of the baby full-time overnight.
She’s a light sleeper and unfortunately has insomnia, whereas I am a deep sleeper and wouldn’t wake up for baby cries anyways.
Recently my wife has been asking me to wake up with the baby both days on the weekends so she can get an extra hour of sleep.
Baby wakes up around 7 am. I get the baby dressed and take over for that hour.
But sometimes, I want to be the one that gets to sleep in an extra hour. I brought this up to her and she says while she’s happy to let me nap during the day, she really needs that hour bc she can’t nap like I can.
We got into an argument about it, and she said I’m being very insensitive when I know she is very exhausted and can’t nap during the day and she struggles to go back to sleep every time the baby wakes up. But I’m exhausted too, work wears me out, and school days are long… and I sometimes want the hour in the morning.
I don’t want to spend my off time napping, I want to play video games and chill out.
AITJ for asking us to share mornings off for sleep?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your baby’s sleep schedule will change. This regression can last days or weeks, but it won’t last forever.
Your wife is spending the whole night with a baby, and she is the baby’s primary caretaker. The least you could do is to give her that hour in the morning on weekends.
Taking care of the house is a full-time job. Taking care of the baby is a full-time job.
When does your wife get downtime? Does she get a break to chill and play video games?
Buckle up, daddy, and carry your load. Video games and chilling can wait until the baby’s schedule stabilizes. She is your wife, not your mom.” RedSAuthor
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You sleep the entire night uninterrupted. And you are begrudging your wife an HOUR of sleep in the morning? An hour? After you get a full night’s sleep? And after she is up every two hours?
You say you don’t want to use your free time to nap because you want to play video games.
But what you are actually saying is that you want to sleep in AND play video games. All while your wife takes care of the baby by herself.
If she is working two and a half days a week, it sounds like she is also contributing financially to the household.
So not sure where you come off saying you support her financially.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Baby care is not a household duty, it’s parenting. You should be doing half the baby care when you are not at work. If you’re not doing it overnight, you had better be doing it during the day and on weekends.
Outside of the times, you are caring for your child, your wife is doing it all day every day—plus her paid work and the housework.
You should also be doing a portion of the housework. By your description, your wife is giving a lot more than you, and now you want more from her?
You’re a parent now. You don’t get to have the downtime you used to have. You shouldn’t expect it, and you certainly shouldn’t insist on it at your exhausted wife’s expense.” Amiedeslivres
11. AITJ For Refusing To Share The Vet Bill With My Partner?
“My partner and I have been together for about 2 years and have been living together for about 1 year. When we decided to move in together, we had long discussions about our expectations and rules. One of my hard rules is no pets whatsoever. She agreed and we moved in together.
I work odd hours and am on call which means my schedule won’t allow me to take care of any animal as they deserve. For example, I might get off work at 5 pm one day but might not be off at 9 pm the next day.
That means if I have a pet, it will have to wait an extra 4 hours to be walked or fed. Also, I love to travel during my off times and I don’t want to put up with the headache and expense of finding a pet sitting or kennel.
Lastly, I know it’ll cost thousands of dollars a year to keep a pet when you factor in food and vet costs. To be honest, I’d rather invest that money.
So things went well for about 6 months until my partner asked if we can get a dog because she loves them and had always had a dog growing up.
I said absolutely not and reminded her of our pre-move-in discussion and agreement. She spent the next two months alternating between begging, trying to make deals, guilting, and demanding. I got tired of it so I said if she wants a dog, it’ll be her dog and she’s solely responsible for it.
I will have nothing to do with it. She quickly agreed. Just to be sure, I drew up a contract that releases me from everything that has to do with the dog and she signed it. I know it’s not legally binding and it’s not meant to be a legal document.
I just wanted her to know for certain that she’s responsible for this dog.
She went to the pound and after a few visits, she found the dog she wanted. For the last few months, she kept up her end of the agreement. She walked the dog, fed it, bought stuff for it, the whole work.
A couple of weeks ago, her dog started to move differently and seemed off so she took it to the vet. It turned out the dog had a disc disease that will require surgery and other treatment to the tune of about $5,000. She told me and said it won’t be so bad if we split the cost. I stopped her right there and said I’m not paying, it’s her dog.
She can afford to pay for the cost, so even if I don’t pay the dog will still go through the surgery and the treatment. She just doesn’t want to pay for it all by herself and said I was heartless for not taking care of ‘our’ dog.
I reminded her that it was her dog.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You were forthcoming about your views, gave reasonable explanations, and also, made sure she was aware of all of those.
You even made her sign a ‘contract’. Which could be considered cruel to some people, but hey, at least she knew the details, and you have something to go back on.
Myself, I would love an animal and have had many. They do cost a lot, and especially with dogs (if you can’t take them with you) they will need to be taken care of more so. Cats are fine to leave for the weekend and reptiles for a week.
Dogs? Not even 12 hours.
It was her choice to have this animal, which includes all costs associated with it.
Even if this is a long-term relationship that will turn into marriage, everyone says your money is their money… but still is not true, because you both have expenses that you will pay on your own.
Most people nowadays only combine shared things in a joint account, and still have their own money and bills… (cell phones, car insurance, certain going outs, hair, nails, whatever else).” External_Ingenuity_4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s a pity you gave in on getting a dog in the first place, but at least you know now that she is one of those people who think they can make agreements and then willfully break them as the other will just come around in time.
If you stay with her this is a glimpse into what will happen every time what you agree on isn’t exactly what she wanted.
She seems to think that over time agreements between you somehow dissolve as reality slowly shifts to become what she wanted it to be all along.
No pets ever become her having a dog. It being crystal clear that it’s just her dog becomes it being ‘our’ dog with joint responsibility for it, and so on.
It’s extremely hard to deal with someone like this because they aren’t even honest with themselves and no agreement sticks.
Giving in or letting things slide would only teach her that this technique works and then its use would escalate.” jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj
Another User Comments:
“100% NTJ
I’m a pet lover with pets, but your partner has been very immature about this whole situation.
One should NEVER bring a pet into a live-in relationship when one agreed not to and it’s not a mutual decision.
This is a sentient being with needs, feelings, and quirks.
OP specifically drew up a contract stipulating that the dog was the girl’s responsibility. The girl signed it.
There are no ‘grey zones’ here. She’s in the wrong, and you do not owe her for the care of her dog.
You might want to look at the relationship, though. A LOT of manipulation (or attempted manipulation) seems to be happening. A lot of boundaries have been crossed, too. Those are pretty big red flags. The fact that OP had his partner sign a contract in the first place indicates an awareness of this.
Self-Edit: For what it’s worth, I think it’s great that you acknowledge that you’re not currently in a position to have a pet. A lot of pets are mistreated or abandoned because people got them before considering the big picture and how the pet would fit into their lives.
Well done.” MadMishy
10. AITJ For Taking Back Our Groceries From My Wife's Sister?
“My wife (30) wife has a younger sister (28) with four kids. My SIL is a married stay-at-home mom and her husband (31) works 35 hours per week.
Money is tight for them, but they still go on annual vacations, drive newer cars, etc. My wife and I keep separate finances except for a joint credit card and household bill. I also do most of the grocery shopping. This is relevant for later.
A couple of years ago, I found out my wife had been buying groceries for my SIL on our joint card (about $150-$200 per month for a few months). She said that her sister had come to her saying they were tight on money and that she needed help feeding their kids.
This was about a month after they had got back from their most recent vacation in Mexico. I told my wife in no uncertain terms that I am not supporting their family. She argued with me saying that we could more than afford it. I replied that I don’t care if she wanted to support them, but that was her business.
My wife stopped buying them groceries on our joint card after, but I’m sure she told her sister because SIL has been standoffish since.
In the last few months, grocery costs have been increasing thanks to inflation. As a cost-saving measure, I bought a whole cow for about $4K (which works out to about $9/lb and will last us more than a year), and my wife and I split the cost.
Yesterday I went to the freezer to pull some steaks and saw the amount of beef was visibly lower. I checked our security cameras and saw my wife leaving the house with a big box. I texted her demanding to know if she had taken a bunch of our meat to SIL, and she replied yes.
I grabbed SIL’s keys (we have a copy), drove to their house, knocked on her door, and when SIL answered I told her that and I was taking back what my wife brought over.
SIL protested saying I was taking food out of her kids’ mouths, but I said I don’t care.
She already had one roast in the oven, I went to their freezer and they had about 40-50lbs of ground beef, steaks, and roasts from our cow, including a couple of prime rib roasts. I grabbed it all except the roast in the oven and drove home.
My wife yelled at me saying she couldn’t believe how selfish I was and that SIL called her crying. She also said that she paid for half of it and so she could do whatever she liked with it. I yelled back saying you don’t get to decide to give away anything that we pay for together and said she acted like a sneak thief for doing it behind my back.
My wife is still angry at me and says until I apologize to her sister. return the meat that I took back, and apologize for calling her a thief, she won’t speak to me.
I may be the jerk because my wife pays half the groceries.
UPDATE: I apologized to my wife for calling her a thief, and that I would apologize to her sister for going over to her house in a huff and upsetting her, but said I won’t apologize for taking back the meat which we paid for jointly.
I laid it all out and said my position on me not buying groceries for their family hadn’t changed. I said her husband only works three days a week (12-hour shifts) and if they’re struggling for food he needs to pick up more shifts. I also said taking vacations and having new cars is a luxury they can’t afford if I have to pitch in to pay for their food.
I asked my wife why aren’t you buying groceries with your own money if you want to support them.
My wife responded she’s been buying them groceries for the past couple of years with her own money because they’re up to their eyeballs in loans and credit card debt, but inflation means their groceries have been costing her more and more.
She then admitted to putting some things on our joint credit card in the last few months in smaller amounts than two years ago so I wouldn’t notice. As for the beef, SIL called her this past weekend crying saying they needed help at the end of the month with food because one of the kids broke their iPad which they use to keep the kids entertained and so they replaced it.
She didn’t ask me about taking them beef because she knew I would say no if she told me about the iPad and didn’t think I would notice since we have so much beef. She said I have no idea how hard it is to raise four kids and they need the iPad.
I told her we need to go see a counselor because we’re on different planets if she thinks an iPad is a necessity. So yeah, we’re going to do therapy, and then I’m sleeping in the basement.
Edit: Why doesn’t SIL’s husband work more or SIL get a job?
He does shift work 3 days a week, 12-hour shifts. He likes it because it frees him up to spend more time with the kids. SIL has never had a job beyond serving as a teenager.
Why don’t you put a lock on your freezer? I would like to stay married and I’m certain if I did this, I wouldn’t be married for very long.
Did SIL and her husband pay for their vacations and cars themselves? I still don’t know, but my guess would be credit cards and car loans if they’re up to their eyeballs in debt as my wife said.
Why don’t you compromise on helping them?
A fair compromise to me if I were to pitch in would be for them to better manage their finances i.e. not going on annual vacations to Mexico. The last time I raised that my wife said I was being judgmental. Maybe I’ll propose it again in counseling.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m not going to get into SIL and BIL’s finances because that’s their thing and if your wife wants to help support their lifestyle that’s on her.
But I think that’s what the conversation needs to be. That you are happy if your wife wants to help her sister out but it can’t come from your joint account.
That you don’t agree with.
You may not understand how SIL and BIL handle their finances but from the outside, you feel like they could make better choices. And if they need extra support, you are happy to help them apply for WIC/EBT/whatever they may qualify for.
But that Wife is welcome to provide financial support to SIL and BIL from her accounts.
That’s Wife’s choice. And Wife’s money.
And honestly, if Wife wants to say, well ‘I paid for 1/2 of that’ – is she planning on not eating at home? Because she’s paying half because she’s 50% of the people who eat at your house most days.” rak1882
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
The wife as instead of sitting down and having a conversation with OP about her sister’s situation so they could come to an understanding she immediately started buying groceries using the money from the joint account and said nothing.
As SIL got a little chilly towards OP apparently his wife didn’t feel like paying for groceries for her sister with her money.
Now she has done the same thing with the side of beef which was bought with joint funds as they both contributed to the purchase so for their immediate family.
Again no discussion and she sneaks at least $500 worth of meat to her sister. And sounds like it was a good amount of the better cuts as in what kid needs to eat prime rib?
OP, while understanding he was mad, calling his wife a thief got him nowhere fast. And when he went to recover the nest he could have left the ground beef.
OP you and your wife need to sit down and have a conversation. Your wife needs to explain why she thinks her sister needs help with groceries to feed her kids when they are able to pay for vacations. Is her sister pitiful about having a budget and spending too much to have fun and then is screwed when the fun is over and the reality that bills must be paid hits?
If she will not work with her sister to stick to a budget then your wife should support her sister using just her funds. She can go buy a quarter of a side of beef for her sister if that is what she wants to do or spend $500 on meat at the grocery store based on what is on sale but not take from your joint funds or supplies for your family.
If she will work with her sister and get things on track then my suggestion is you each contribute $100 so $200 total per month for a set time (ex 6 months) by which time her sister should be standing on her own two feet. If needed your wife shops with her sister as sorry but your money is to primarily feed the kids.
If your sister starts buying wine, beer, etc then the budget you provide gets reduced.
Family should help the family if they can but first, the receiving family needs to do what is needed to help themselves.” 3Heathens_Mom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your wife is lying about her actions and that alone makes her guilty.
She knows it’s wrong so she’s being sneaky. She is so worried about another family that she’s been stealing from her own family. She also needs to understand the difference between giving away things paid with HER money and leaving alone things that were paid with ‘OUR’ money.
She doesn’t get to decide where y’alls food goes because it was bought for your family. Not somebody else.
There are literally so many resources that SIL can also look into that doesn’t involve siphoning items from your wife. Consider food banks, soup kitchens, food stamps, AND MAYBE NOT BEING A stay-at-home mom so she can GET A JOB FOR A SECOND INCOME.
35 hours a week for work for one household seems like not enough unless her husband makes a lot of money to sustain that. But he obviously must not since they’re supposedly ‘tight’ on funds… So it makes me question what their financial situation is because someone is LYING and your wife is a fool for not asking more questions and instead chooses to blindly believe what she’s asked to do for the sake of ruining her relationship with her husband.” gravestoney
You need to humiliate sister and husband by telling then, yourself, that sister needs to get a job, hubby needs to get a second job to support his wife, that you are not working your butt off so they can go on expensive vacations and drive newer cars.
Lay it out. Tell them you can't afford it and to stop begging your wife for charity.
9. AITJ For Yelling At My Friends For Being Late?
“So I made this DnD group a while back to play with my friends and it’s changed a lot over the past few months, mainly I went from being the Dungeon Master (DM) to being a player because I just wasn’t having fun as DM.
I live with my grandma and often help her with her little home improvement projects. This one involved putting up a railing, and I was unaware that it would take as long as it did and was late to DnD. I was also unable to text too much, just little snip its.
One of my party mates, whom I will refer to as Amy, started to spam me on discord. I quickly say ‘I’m busy’ because that’s all I have time to type. So the DM asks how am I busy, and I don’t see the message because I am holding up the railing and not looking at my phone.
So Amy starts to spam me again, but I hold the railing steady with the same leg I have my phone in my pocket. So the vibration of my phone causes my leg to twitch and completely unaligned the railing. My grandma proceeds to start yelling and getting annoyed, which I understand this took forever to get set up, and I quickly text my party ‘Get lost I’m busy’.
After I do so I shut off my phone so it doesn’t happen again, and it takes another hour to get everything set up and drill all the screws in place. I turn my phone back on afterward and Amy and the DM are mad at me asking for my apologies for erupting at them.
I do apologize but it feels wrong to me that they didn’t apologize to me. After all that I wasn’t in the mood to play DnD so I didn’t show and then Amy gets mad because I didn’t want to play. So after all of this, AITJ?
EDIT: 1) The group is online. 2) When I was DM I never expected people to show up all the time. 3) other people had been late but this hadn’t happened to them.
EDIT 2: Other members of my party have done the exact same thing, and no one bats an eye.
I honestly feel singled out that I have to give an explanation of my personal life when another person says I’m busy they don’t have to say anything. So, are they not also jerks for having double standards and getting mad at me when I follow the norm of the group before I started swearing?”
Another User Comments:
“Let me get this straight. You had made plans to attend a group activity ahead of time, but at the last minute, without any notice whatsoever, you decided to show up late because you wanted to help your grandma. Then when the people you made plans with got understandably concerned, you insulted them in a rage.
How is there any way that you are not the jerk here? The next time you’re going to show up late (or not at all) to a group activity, let someone in the group know ahead of time so that they can plan accordingly without having to interrupt you in the middle of something important.
This entire situation is your fault, and it makes no sense to take your frustration over it out on your friends. YTJ.” SomeoneYouDontKnow70
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but you’re way, way worse here.
If you’re able to text, you’re able to say more than ‘I’m busy’, and you can just take a break from work to let your friends know what’s up.
Your terrible communication with them was the choice that caused this entire incident.
Them spamming you a bunch was obnoxious, although nowhere near as bad as you blowing them off and refusing to communicate properly with them. E: And I’m just taking you at your word that they really were spamming you a bunch, if it was anything less than like 5 mentions total that’s a totally normal response to being blown off by somebody when their attendance is critical.
You blaming them for a mistake you made (your phone isn’t a plugged-in Magic Wand, it isn’t going to vibrate you off a railing) and then blowing up at them is a tremendous jerk move, and also shows that your original excuse of ‘I can’t text much’ was nonsense; ‘Get lost, I’m busy’ is as long as ‘helping grandma, gotta cancel.'” Milskidasith
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I don’t judge you for things taking longer than expected. Bad things happen and I have had plenty of times when I helped put furniture together where what felt like 15 minutes turned into an hour.
If you have timed plans and a project, send a message before the project starts.
‘Hey, Gonna try to be on time, but have to fix some railings.’
This was all that was needed to stop this from starting.
L is a jerk for constantly spamming, BUT. If I would make plans with someone and they don’t show and I would get worried. Then get an ‘I’m busy’ when I take the time to be on time for a game, it would annoy me too.
Think about it. Your friends all take time out of their schedules to all meetup and tell a story together. Only to have one member ditch it with no real explanation.
Also, it’s not like you only had seconds to type the first message. Just type, ‘One sec, busy fixing railing’ would have calmed things down.” Alita_Moonsong
8. AITJ For Telling My Husband's Son That My Daughter Is Not His Sister?
“My ex-husband’s son Caden was born during the course of our marriage and I was in a vulnerable space so it didn’t make sense for me to leave.
Caden’s mother got institutionalized a few months after he was born and my ex got full custody.
Now I wasn’t a mom to him at all, just a responsible adult who cooked meals for him, kept him safe and looked after him when he was sick.
I finally left my situation was Caden was 3 and I still babysit Caden sometimes because I’m the only one he feels comfortable with other than his own daddy.
Now after struggling with infertility for years I had a surprise baby with my friend Will. It was a shock for both of us but we decided to embrace the gift and co-parent together. Will is my best friend and his son Aiden (5 years old) is a doting big brother to my daughter (now 7 months old).
The other day I was babysitting Caden for a few hours when the kids (Caden and Aiden) got into a fight over my daughter.
Caden told Aiden that my daughter was his sister, and not Aiden’s. I gently explained to him that even though he was not my daughter’s big brother, he could definitely be her buddy.
He was inconsolable. I had to tell him that Aiden was indeed her big brother.
My ex is furious with me for telling him that my daughter isn’t his sister. He thinks that my comments were harsh and inappropriate for a 5-year-old. I think that my comments were okay.
I don’t want to confuse a little boy and create expectations and disappointments down the line.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Lying to a kid about something like this is way worse than being upfront about it. Sure, it’s gonna be hard for him to understand, but it would be MUCH crueler to let him go on believing that untruth until he is even more attached to OP’s daughter.
Especially when OP said in a comment that the plan was to move out of the kid’s life in three years. Better to set that boundary now than 3 years from now. Now the kiddo can adjust to the reality before they all leave his life.
I really feel for Caden, though. He probably feels very unwanted at the moment. I hope his dad can and will step up for him.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Caden was raised by you and at five years old, he did not need to hear you renounce any sort of maternal relationship with him.
You might not love him as a mother (which is totally okay, since you’re not his mom) but surely you had to know that this would hurt his feelings? At his age, he can’t be expected to understand the nuances of infidelity.
Your ex had an affair and expected you to raise the child of his affair.
And it sounds like he has some pretty unreasonable expectations of you now. You and he need to define your roles and figure out how to fix this, for Caden’s sake.” consectariana
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s fair to establish the difference. Caden is not your son, and from what you have said does not consider you his ‘mother’.
Therefore your daughter is not his sister.
It’s understandable that he would be upset by this, but you are right that it would be confusing for both him and Aiden to not correct it. This spawned from C arguing that she was his sister, and not your A’s, which you had to address one way or another.
If you had affirmed Aiden was your daughter’s brother and not defined Caden’s relation to her, that would have left me confused. And from the sounds of it, you tried to explain gently and kindly.
If anything, this really should have been preempted on dad’s end, when your daughter was born.
Referring to her as Caden’s ‘new friend’ or similar would have helped establish how he should categorize that relationship. But I wonder if maybe your ex has been referring to/allowing Caden to refer to your daughter as ‘sister’, as he felt the need to argue with Aiden about it…” sci_fi_bi
7. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Leave The Room Because My Son Has A Migraine?
“My son and only child have struggled with migraines since he was about six. He just turned 13 two weeks ago. Every time he gets one, which isn’t very often now, we have the same routine.
He soaks in the tub with the lights off while I throw a pair of underpants in the dryer. Once he gets out, I give him a warm or cold cloth, depending on what he wants, and he’ll get into my bed. He likes being close to me whenever these happen, and I’ll massage his head until he falls asleep.
The other night, he started to get a migraine. When he was in the bath, I told his SO, who was staying the night, that he sleeps with me whenever these happen. I told her politely that if she didn’t feel comfortable, then she would have to leave.
His bed is too small to fit both of us, so that wasn’t really an option. She decided that she would go home but was upset about it. He was still feeling bad the next day, so I called her and let her know that he’d probably still be sleeping with me tonight and that I would be in between them the entire time.
She said no and that she didn’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with a teenager. I said that was completely fine and I’ll call her whenever he was feeling better.
Around 5-6 that night, he was way better and out of bed. I called her to let her know, but she just seemed upset.
Like, I could tell something was off. When I asked her, she got sniffily and told me it hurt her feelings that I kicked her out. Now, she’s been in awful relationships before, and she’s said I’m the best one she’s ever had, so I sort of get being upset easily, but at the same time, I gave her the option to stay or go.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re doing a great job by establishing a routine with your son and prioritizing his well-being when under a migraine attack, they are absolutely brutal. I would recommend however finding an alternative to sleeping with you, as it is not sustainable long term.
Perhaps a large body pillow and/or heating pad could help accomplish some of the same comforts.
If this is your partner’s first experience with this, she might be a bit confused emotionally. Her history with bad relationships could result in feelings of rejection for this even though she didn’t do anything wrong and it was more of a logistical conundrum.
It’s great that you provided the offer of staying or going with context.
A good conversation once the son is fully recovered seems to be the answer here.” Night_Owl_26
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, bordering on NTJ if your partner can’t let it go.
She’s not wrong for being unhappy that she had to leave, but you’re right for prioritizing your son and his needs, which she has to accept if she’s going to date a single parent.
Since your son is getting older you might want to look into getting him a larger bed. It’s practical in general, but it would also be nice to be able to stay in his room with him during migraines without your partner needing to leave.
Also, might want to talk to a specialist to see how you can adjust your routine to have him recover from his migraines with more independence. Not saying that he can’t keep coming to you during them, but getting him prepared for overnight events and college incrementally before he needs it will make those things easier to adjust to when they come up.” TheEducationLady
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
This sounds like a new relationship and it’s easy to see this as ‘kid is sick, takes over the bed’ instead of ‘kid has a debilitating medical condition, but parent and kid have determined the most effective treatment’.
Sit down with your partner and explain some background and be clear you weren’t kicking her out on a whim.
This is a serious medical treatment. You obviously have a close and comfortable routine to support your son when he is infrequently unwell. You spent time developing this and it works for both of you and prioritizes his health. You are a good parent.
Hopefully, she sees that you are caring and loving, and supportive of those who need it and recognizes that as a great thing about you.
But I don’t think that she’s a jerk for not recognizing all that immediately. It sucks to be booted off home after planning for a romantic night with your partner.
If she doesn’t come round and recognize that your kid will always come first then you have also learned something valuable.” coffeecoffi
6. AITJ For Telling My Twin Sister To Volume Down?
“My (f19) twin sister (f19) gets offended when I ‘restrict her self-expression’ through my words. I apparently do this when I ask her to quiet down while singing or when I sometimes say that I can’t listen to her right now when she is talking a lot.
Usually, I tell her those things either because I’m overstimulated or because I need to concentrate. I inform her of those reasons, too.
My requests usually sound like ‘Hey, so I’ve heard you repeat the same part of a song a lot in the past hour.
Could you sing outside instead? It’s very overstimulating to hear and I’m doing homework that’s due soon’.
She ends up closing herself off in her room and not talking to me for the rest of the day.
From her perspective, she probably reacts like that because her ex, who was a narcissistic bully, never listened to her and told her she can’t sing (she has a beautiful singing voice though).
In our case, however, we’ve known each other our whole life and she knows that I am just a busy, anxious person. She also knows that I think her voice is pretty, I just don’t like volume.
When I offend her, I always apologize. Only I apologize.
Lately, though, I haven’t been feeling well myself. That’s why I have started to think that I also have boundaries and needs, so why is it wrong when I express them? I don’t tell her that her voice is terrible or that she talks too much in general because neither of that is true.
I just need some peace and quiet sometimes, is that wrong? AITJ?
(I know that I might be dramatic about this, but I am so confused. I just want my sister. Why does she have to lock herself away? Am I that terrible of a person?)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
As a girl with her own annoying sister, you’re not being dramatic.
Your sister isn’t given a pass to do whatever she wants just because she’s your sister. She isn’t owed any extra consideration whatsoever. It doesn’t matter why she’s doing it, she’s ignoring how you feel for her own desires.
She’s being mean.
Asking for someone to quiet down is a kindergarten-level question. It’s not hard to understand or rocket science. It’s basic human respect to do it so someone else can finish their work.
Is your sister singing loudly near you? Is there a reason she can’t go somewhere else?
It’s not your responsibility to move since you’re doing legitimate work.
I’d sit your sister down and ask her why she’s not considering you. A normal person wouldn’t do her behavior.” mimi7600
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. She finds happiness and comfort through singing and talking, you find happiness with the silence.
She’s stopping your comfort, you are stopping hers. Both are valid and don’t make either of you a jerk. This is only an issue because you live together, maybe try some noise-canceling headphones for when you study? She’s enjoying her freedom from a toxic ex who used to put her down for singing and talking so there’s some trauma surrounding this.
You are trying to concentrate or feel overstimulated. If you keep stopping her when she’s in a happy groove it will affect her relationship with you just as her doing it is affecting yours with her.” TheSuperAlly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I don’t think she grasps what ‘freedom of expression’ means.
She might have the right to express herself, but not to demand people other people listen or control how they reasonably respond. She may, in fact, need therapy because of a past relationship; it may be out of her control to some point, but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer.
I would try to sit her down and explain that you don’t feel you are being heard or respected when you express yourself and your needs. Kindly but firmly set boundaries, and if they are ignored, I say put on the noise-canceling headphones guilt-free.
Edited to add: No, I don’t think you are being a terrible person; it very much sounds like it isn’t really even about you when she shuts down. Perhaps at a time when things aren’t heated because her singing is trying your nerves, you could sit her down and gently let her know your that you think she might benefit from some therapy—not because of who she is but because of what she has been through.
I would also explain to her how her behavior triggers your own anxiety.” Routine-Succotash-83
5. AITJ For Saying My Mom Got Me Fired And Asking People For Money?
“I (18f) had my first real job out of high school. I was working in a warehouse and I was going to apprentice as a parts technician. My dad helped me get the job.
My mom hates that I didn’t have a girly job.
She would constantly call and even show up there. I told her to please stop. That my boss didn’t like her interruptions of my day. She would stop for a bit and then do it again.
I finally blew my top at her and told her to leave me alone at work. She went on social media and complained about how I was an ingrate for not wanting to see my mom.
A bunch of people started saying that I was being mean to my mom and that she meant well and that she wasn’t hurting me.
Last week she showed up again. She actually tried to come in the back when I would not come out to see her. My boss was done. I was fired.
My dad says he will help me get another job but I am mad. So I went on social media and found every person who had called me mean and that said she wasn’t hurting me.
I spelled out why I got fired and I asked them to help me out with some money since her actions had cost me my job.
Now all of a sudden they are turning on her calling her overbearing and saying they didn’t realize she was jeopardizing my employment.
But none have sent any money. I don’t really need it. I live with my dad and he says that as long as I’m in school or apprenticing I don’t need to pay for anything except my phone.
My mom keeps calling and texting me asking me to stop telling people that she got me fired. And that I’m embarrassing her by asking the people who supported her for money.
I think that I’m in the right for showing everyone who she is. My dad says that he’s staying out of it. He said that the way she acts is the reason they got divorced.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your boss should have told her not to come in.
When you get a new job, warn your employer that your mom may show up and if she does that it’s fine to turn her away for trespassing. It’s your story to tell about how you got fired and you’re free to tell it to anyone who asks.
Warn your mom that she’s driving you away, and is making it very easy for your to choose to not see or speak to her. I was thinking that asking for money was a bit much, but it worked just like you planned and really drove home your point to the people who backed her up.
Parents NEVER go to a child’s place of employment unless they have business there. It’s a shame that your boss took it out on you instead of telling her to leave the building.” noccie
Another User Comments:
“Your mom DID get you fired. She doesn’t get to call the shots on you telling the truth about that.
Asking those who initially supported your mother for money was, I suspect, a hyperbolic way of shaming them for siding with your mom and tolerating her sabotaging your employment and also – because you were fired – affected your long-term future earnings. You would do better financially where you were in that warehouse than the kind of girly jobs she wants you to get.
It may be a pain to work in non-traditional fields, but if you stick with it the payoff in long-term financial security is pretty good. Your mom deserved to be embarrassed. She betrayed you. She put it out there that she doesn’t have faith in you, doesn’t trust you to make good decisions, doesn’t trust you to try new things and fail and get back up and renew your efforts.
That’s the worst kind of parental betrayal. NTJ” MorriganNiConn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she’s the one who put things on social media and left out half the story to make you look bad and to hide what she knows is idiotic behavior. You didn’t engage.
She continued with the behavior, got you fired, and with your new free time decided to add the rest of the story. She
Embarrassment is the only way to set boundaries or curb behaviors with people like that sometimes. Don’t go out of your way to embarrass them.
They set themselves up constantly as their behavior itself is embarrassing, they just don’t feel embarrassed until the wrong people see or hear about it. In this case, she set herself up by posting about it online and getting others’ opinions, now she knows doing that may end up with her behavior exposed to the wrong people.” qianli_yibu
4. AITJ For Giving My Nephew Food From Trash?
“I took my daughter (2) and nephew (5) to the park. I packed them both lunches.
On the way there, he asked for McDonald’s, and I said no. I’m on a budget right now, and I probably would have said no anyway, because I don’t like wasting food. He argued, and I explained that I packed him lunch a few times before finally telling him we were going to end the topic and putting on some Disney music for them.
At the park, I was distracted for a second and he came up to me and said he was hungry. I told him to eat his lunch, and he said he already did. I hadn’t seen him touch it yet, so I didn’t believe him, because there was no way to eat lunch in five seconds.
I asked for the bag, and he said he threw it away.
I went over to the trash, and the bag was on top. I took it out, and none of the food had been touched. I brought the bag back to him and said he missed a few things.
He wouldn’t take it and said ‘it’s from the trash!’ I said none of the food touched the trash. The bag and individual food containers both kept the food clean, and the bag had just been on top of the trash anyway, not really in it.
He started to cry and say he didn’t want food from the trash. I asked why he put it in the trash then, and he said because it was yucky. I packed foods I know he likes, so I knew this was just about McDonald’s.
I put the bag back with our stuff and said it was there when he changed his mind. He complained the rest of the day that he was hungry, and I kept telling him to go eat his lunch. He started sobbing at one point about how hungry he was, and I offered him some of my daughter’s food she didn’t finish.
He didn’t want ‘baby food.’
When we got back to my brother’s house he was still crying about McDonald’s (saw it again on the way home, unavoidable without adding ridiculous time to the trip and set him off wailing). He ran up to my SiL and screamed ‘uncle OP made me eat food from the trash!’ She was confused, so I explained that he put his lunch bag in the trash, and I took it back out.
My SIL said that’s disgusting. I explained that the food was protected by two layers, individual containers, and the bag, but she said eating out of the trash is never okay. She asked me if I would eat food out of a restaurant dumpster. I felt like she didn’t really understand what happened, and my nephew was still crying, so I decided to leave and talk about it later.
When I talked to my brother he said it was ‘okay’ that I got ‘overwhelmed’ and made a ‘bad judgment call’ and to give my SIL time to cool down. I’m glad my brother isn’t mad, but I really don’t think I did anything wrong.
My wife agrees with me, but she’s my wife. Was I a jerk to my nephew?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I would not have offered the food back to your nephew. He had an option in front of him, and he made a decision.
Time for him to learn that decisions have consequences.
He said he ate the food, and you found it in the trash. Strike 1 for lying.
He complained that he was hungry. Strike 2 for not eating the food when he had the chance.
He went home and complained to mommy.
Strike 3 for just being a hangry 5 year old.
So unless he is severely underdeveloped, or has a condition where he has to eat regularly, I would have let him go hungry. If it got so bad, I would take him home immediately and let the parents deal.
But then I would also explain to the parents why he isn’t going to the park with you anymore as well unless they can reign in this behavior.” drtennis13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – ‘Bad judgment call’? Is the whole family on something?
The kid put his lunch container on top of the trash because he was having a fit and wanted something else.
You took it off the top of the trash and told him THIS is his lunch, he wasn’t getting McD.
Um… this isn’t a poor judgment on your half, it’s terrible parenting on both of theirs. They are raising this kid to be spoiled and presuming everyone else will bow to his will.
The food did not go into a garbage heap, the bag with content inside rested on top of the trash where he had JUST put it.
Welp, they can hire a babysitter from now on and you can see the kids on holidays only. Count on seeing them less because their parenting is atrocious and enabling and those kids are going to be awful to deal with in the future.” C_Alex_author
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The issue here isn’t with the food. It’s with a 5-year-old boy too spoiled to accept being told ‘no,’ too ungrateful to eat a thing you had given him to eat (things that you know he likes, but weren’t McDonald’s), and too used to getting his way (to the point that he runs crying to his mom and gets the response he wants).
It’s also with his mother, who immediately takes her child’s word without hearing out the adult, who can confirm that her child lied to his face. All over Mcdonald’s.
You did well shutting his nonsense down at each turn. You did well not forcing him to eat the food, but not offering anything else, either.
In your position, I’d wait awhile before taking him out again – if there was something really fun you were going to take him to, he’s definitely old enough to recognize the consequence of his actions. Lay it out plain that you can’t trust him not to lie to you or throw a tantrum.
Also, if you do take him out again and he starts this nonsense again, maybe text your brother about it as it happens. Give them a heads-up, before he starts twisting his mom around his little finger again.
Maybe give the mom time to cool down before talking it all out?
If she’s still fixated on ‘trash food’ over lies, tantrums, and manipulations, y’all have bigger issues than this.” Notte_di_nerezza
3. AITJ For Not Sending My Daughter To Her Dream School?
“I’m 49m and I have 2 children, Jake (23) and Nikki (17). Their mother and I are divorced. I have full custody and she sends no support.
Both of my kids are good kids and good students with good grades.
Jake got into his dream school but didn’t get any scholarships. His undergrad school is one of the best schools in our part of the country and it’s expensive. I didn’t want him to take out loans and have to carry a debt so I’m paying for his tuition and living expenses.
The total cost is roughly $50,000 a year. He’s following our family tradition and pursuing a career in dentistry (I’m not a dentist but we have about a dozen dentists and oral surgeons in our family). I will also be paying for his dentistry degree.
While I know it will be costly, I view this as a good investment as he’ll have a starting salary of about $120,000 as a dentist in our area. If he decides to become an oral surgeon, his starting salary will almost double that figure.
Nikki is a senior in HS. Like her brother, she’s a good student and will have a good chance of getting into her dream school but she has a low chance of getting any scholarships. Her dream school is also a very good one located in the middle of a very expensive city.
Tuition and living expenses will be roughly $75,000 a year. The problem is that she’s dreamt of being a teacher since she was little and has made it clear she will be an education major because she wants to be a middle school teacher.
The other problem is that the salary for middle school teachers in our area is $48,000-$60,000 in our area.
I fully realize that she can move and work elsewhere but I can’t imagine there are many middle school teachers in the US making 6 figures. I don’t view paying $300,000+ for a career that tops out at $60,000 as a wise investment. I told my daughter that the state school that’s 2 hours away has a good education program and her in-state tuition and living expenses will only be about $20,000 a year.
I view paying $80,000 for a teaching degree as a much better investment.
I’ve tried discussing the matter with Nikki but she gets distraught every time I’ve brought it up. She cries and accuses me of favoring Jake and being a sexist which is not true.
I told her if she picks a major with a $100,000 starting salary, I’ll gladly pay for her to go to her dream school but there’s no way I’m paying $300,000 for her to be a teacher. Now she’s got family members involved. Some are staying out of it, some agree with me, and some are telling me not to play favorites.
I feel terrible so I’m beginning to doubt myself. Am I wrong?
Edit: I’m not limiting Nikki’s education to $20,000 a year. I told her that’s the max I’m willing to pay for her education degree. I’m more than happy to pay $75,000 a year if she picks another degree that will have a better return.
For a while, she thought about being a doctor and fell in love with England (we have family there) so I even offered to pay for her to go to Oxford which will be double the cost of her brother’s tuition. But she’s adamant about being a middle school teacher and I’m unwilling to spend the $300,000 that I worked hard for on an education degree.
Edit to add: Oxford is hard to get into, I know that she won’t be able to just walk in. I meant for her to apply and if she got in, I’m willing to pay the cost of that school and the expense of living in an expensive country if her degree-earning potential warrants that cost.
Edit: Why did I bring up the family tradition? Am I an elitist? Why does it matter?
I brought it up because getting into dental schools and graduating is tough. The reason why we have so many in our family is that we help each other out.
The dentists and oral surgeons in the family happily tutor and give valuable internship experiences that would otherwise not be available. People who pursued a dental career in our family have never failed because we don’t allow them to fail. Last semester my brother spent weeks tutoring our niece to prepare her for her state board exam and she passed in one try.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You are so fortunate to be able to pay for your kid’s schooling, and not many parents can today. I’d say you are going above and beyond for paying their tuition and living expenses, regardless of location. Your son is lucky to get into the school of his choice, but that alone should not make your teenage daughter ungrateful for the opportunities before her.
If you blatantly said you wouldn’t pay for your daughter’s college no matter the location, you would be the jerk.
Not to judge, but to me, your daughter sounds slightly entitled. Perhaps talk to her about how financial decisions matter greatly in today’s world, and how without your prior financial decision-making, you wouldn’t be able to pay for college at all.” Sad-Material1553
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for giving them unequal support. You’re telling her that because she wants to enter a lower-paid profession, you’re going to give her less money than her brother.
I agree with you that it doesn’t make logical sense for her to spend 300k for a teaching degree.
I’m a teacher myself and there’s not a significant difference in quality between a good state school and a private college. However, it’s completely unfair for you to give them different amounts of support.
You need to provide her with the same amount of support you gave your son.
It sounds like that will not be quite enough for her dream school, but more than enough for the state school. Then I would work with her to try to convince her that the state school is the best choice. In order to maximize her future salary, she’s going to need a master’s degree, either initially or later on, and since her salary will be lower, it makes sense for her to save some of the money for a down payment.
But ultimately, you need to support her to the same degree as her brother or this will have life-long consequences for your relationship.” Spallanzani333
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re not wrong, but you also won’t be forgiven.
The unfortunate truth is that college tuition has become SO EXPENSIVE that it’s foolish not to consider the return on investment.
And so, in my opinion, you are absolutely right. $75k/yr is a staggering amount of money, and it would be stupid to spend that on a teaching degree. Because In teaching, no one cares where you got your degree.
You’re obviously wealthy, and your daughter has no sense of the value of money.
That she sees $300k as her due is proof of that.
She will always view your refusal to pay for her overpriced undergraduate degree as proof that you love her brother more. If you’re committed to not spending that money on a lackluster degree, consider investing the difference between what you spend on your son’s education and hers in an account in her name – this will give her a down payment on a house later on – or something to show that you were willing to invest the money but not to just spend it.
One other thought is that the name-brand school might pay off if she meets & marries an equally wealthy guy there. No guarantees, though. (And while I wish I were kidding here, I’m not. It’s a practical consideration.)
I’m giving you NTJ because you’re right.
Still, whether you’re a jerk is debatable here.” pineboxwaiting
2. AITJ For Going Off At The Guy At Home Depot?
“So I had to stop at the Home Depot on the way home tonight to get pellets. I grabbed like 10 bags/500 lbs of pellets. So I park my cart and I go get my truck. I park my truck on the left side of a 2-car-wide loading zone.
If you’ve been to Home Depot you’re probably familiar.
Now here’s the situation. There’s a dude and an employee loading up drywall in a truck. This guy has his cart on the left land and his door opened into the left lane.
I finished loading first so I shouted, ‘hey can you move your stuff real quick so I can get through?’ Now, this is where it gets weird. The customer looks up but I’m not sure if the employee heard me. The customer either didn’t hear me or ignored me, I don’t know.
So I slowly pull up and start squeezing through. Guy asks what I’m doing. I let him know I’m trying to go home and he was blocking the exit.
At this point, he hasn’t moved his cart or shut his door. I’m not sure what’s going on at this point.
Dude has started some weird stand-off rather than just shutting his door and squeezing his car up. At this point, I’m actually getting annoyed and I feel like he’s taunting me. So I ask him why he’s being a jerk and not just moving.
So he pulls out his phone cam. So now that he’s been refused to clear the lane and allow me to exit he starts recording me now that I’m annoyed. I let him know that he can record me and that’s fine but he’s still in my way and I’m still calling him a jerk for not moving to begin with.
After a minute or so of this, he finally squeezes up so I can leave.
I mean dude had a full cart of purchases to load in his truck. Did he expect me to just sit there and wait for him to load his entire cart?
Is that a reasonable position?
Now I’ll admit I’ve had a day and my commute is long, prolly longer than yours or his.
I got heated and cursed at the dude but I also feel like I was being taunted. Like he egged me on till I was upset then pulled his camera out.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Just wait for the dude to finish loading and get out of your way. If you’re in a hurry, offer to help him load.
As you said, his cart and door were open in the lane.
You couldn’t squeeze by without hitting him or damaging his things, so you weren’t actually trying to squeeze by. You were trying to intimidate him into stopping what he was doing and putting your desire to leave above his desire to leave.
He wasn’t taunting you.
He was trying to get you to back off and calm down. Recording you was an attempt to keep you from getting violent.” LostDogBoulderUtah
Another User Comments:
“I think the other person probably could’ve shut their door but YTJ. You say they likely didn’t hear you and then start pulling out anyway.
I’d have probably stood there, incredulous, at the guy who was probably going to hit my car. Of course, he pulled out a phone, he needed to in case you did hit his car. You could’ve just stopped, gone up to the guy, and calmly just said that you really needed to leave and that was there any chance he could shut his door, or could you help to speed things up?
And bringing your commute into it is a jerk move too. What did his day look like? What stressors is he dealing with? I hate it when someone just assumes the position of ‘my day is SOOO much worse than yours’. Unless you didn’t know your commute time when you took the job, it sounds like something you agreed to.
That’s not anyone else’s problem. And even if you didn’t know, that’s still not anyone else’s problem.” Est666
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like if you had patiently waited for five minutes there would have been no confrontation at all. I understand a long commute, believe me, and at the end of most commutes there’s still dinner to be made, homework supervised, dogs walked and fed, dishes to be done, etc. A lot of our daily lives would be simpler if there weren’t other people in this world also trying to get their stuff done.
Alas, we all have to exist together, and sometimes this means we have to share common spaces and wait our turn. Patience is something you have to practice, so try looking for opportunities to improve that skill. YTJ” EvenOrchid6345
1. AITJ For Demanding My Mom To Apologize To My Fiancée Before I Invite Her To My Wedding?
“My fiancee ‘Alana’ and I are getting married this spring and with any big wedding, I feel like there is bound to be some family drama. My mom never really liked Alana and the wedding heightened that tension.
My dad recently married his affair partner and the woman he left my mom for.
I’ll call her ‘Gabrielle’ Obviously my siblings and I don’t like Gabrielle very much but we do understand she is a packaged deal with my father so she is begrudgingly invited to the wedding.
Alana does not like Gabrielle and thinks she is attention-seeking and spoiled. We recently had dinner with my mom and sister and Alana was talking about how she is worried about what Gabrielle would wear to the wedding.
My mom asked why she cared and Alana explained it is disrespectful to try and upstage the bride and Gabrielle seems like the type who would do that. She then made, honestly a not-nice comment about Gabrielle isn’t even as hot as everyone thinks she is, and my dad must just like the intimacy because she is pretty but not midlife crisis losing your mind pretty.
My mom looked right at Alana and said ‘oh I get it you want to punish her for being prettier than you.’ I was in shock and Alana’s face dropped. I asked her why she would even defend Gabrielle and she said she doesn’t like jealous insecure women.
My mom’s partner chimed in and said Alana also isn’t midlife crisis pretty so why is she even talking? Alana was clearly humiliated and looked like she was going to tear up. She has always been very insecure about her looks.
I yelled at my mom and demanded she apologizes.
I said she was acting like one of those jealous pathetic MILs and I wasn’t going to let her tear Alana down. My mom said no and Alana started it and set the precedent that it was alright to critique other women’s appearance. She said Alana is just insecure because Gabrielle or someone else could upstage her, and she doesn’t have to coddle an ‘insecure little girl’ just because she is going to be her DIL.
We left the restaurant and I told my mom that if she wants to come she needs to apologize, as does her partner, and it needs to be sincere as it is beyond messed up that she would treat Alana like that just for blowing off steam.
My mom is refusing and now the family is attacking me and saying Alana started it and I’m just trying to humiliate my mom, but I am serious about her invitation being rescinded unless she apologizes.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ: It looks like Alana started something she couldn’t finish when mum pointed out the pot was calling the kettle black.
Your mum was in the right, disparaging another to look good or feel good is not the way forward, it’s not nice or respectful and your mother doesn’t have to sit there and listen to her tear down another woman even if it’s one she doesn’t particularly like or respect.
Your fiancé walked herself right into that one, if she thought it’ll make her closer to your mum it did the opposite and most probably made her want to be kinder to dad’s affair partner instead. Plus that ‘intimacy’ comment was out of pocket. Of course, your mother was offended. This is not the hill to die on because Alana was wrong in so many ways.” A************1
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Alana does sound like she was trying to belittle Gabrielle and your mom called her out on her crap. It sounds like Alana was trying to use bashing Gabrielle as a way to bond with your mom in some way and it backfired.
Did your mom and her partner need to drag Alana’s looks into it? Absolutely not, and they do owe her an apology for that. But they were correct in that Alana was being petty.
I think Gabrielle is taking up too much space in Alana’s head and she needs to figure out why she’s letting her live there rent-free.” coastalkid92
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Alan was trash-talking your father’s wife. Your mother turned it around and used the same type of comment against Alana.
Alana should not be saying nasty things about your father’s wife behind her back. That is not a good look on anyone including your future wife.
Alana does sound jealous, petty, and spiteful.
Your mother then pointed out why she thought Alana was being so spiteful, and petty. Mom’s partner also said something implying that Alana had no room to talk about Gabrielle’s looks.
Your Mother and her partner should not have said anything.
Alana started it though. Why does Alana have to put another woman down, it doesn’t make her look superior in comparison. She just looks jealous, and trashy.
The bottom line is your future wife was awful at first, mother and her partner followed up and called her out.
They were all wrong. Everyone should apologize for being nasty. YTJ for holding your Mother and her partner to a higher standard of behavior than Alana.” ContentedRecluse
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
So your mom, who was wronged by your dad and Gabrielle, actually defended Gabrielle?
Wow.
Alana must have really sounded petty if even your mom did that. Or it came off that Alana was just opening up a discussion about Gabrielle that your mom clearly didn’t want to hear. She’s probably over it. That woman ruined her marriage must she ruin that dinner too?
It also probably occurred to your mom that if she can say that about Gabrielle, Alana can definitely say something as nasty about her too since they are also not close.
Your mom and her partner could have shut down Alana without stooping to her level.
But I can see why they would use Alana’s own words against her. It is so much more effective and really hits home how bad she sounds.
You suck because you should have nipped that discussion in the bud when Alana started it. I have a feeling that Alana says stuff like this all the time.
If it’s between the 2 of you, fine. But this is not the kind of convo to have with your mom and sister there.” AffectionateCable793
