People Look Out For Themselves In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
20. AITJ For Leaving My Friend's Kids With Their Dad When She Went Clubbing?
“My friend asked me to watch her kids (2,5,7) for 3 hours while she took a nap. Well, after 3 hours I see a post on Insta and there she is in a club! I text her wondering why she is there instead of sleeping like she said.
She said she needed to rest which meant she needed time off to party. I told her I can’t watch them past the 3 hours as I need to sleep for work (overnight shift).
The time goes by with no reply so I called her and she yells at me for ruining her time and the more I bug her the longer she will stay out.
She said I should just watch them and not complain since I don’t have them full-time and don’t understand what it’s like to have kids. Well, by the time I had to go to work, she told me to just let them sleep at my house till she got done.
I’m not leaving three kids under 10 to roam my house unsupervised so I called their dad to drop them off there. She cursed me out because she says I shouldn’t have taken them there because she was keeping them away from their dad because he wouldn’t pay to get her nails and hair done.
Mind you they are separated and he has a new partner (He is allowed to have the kids and used to take them regularly before she got mad he wouldn’t spend money for her personal upkeep).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell the father that you will testify on his behalf to get full custody of the kids.
She can’t withhold his visitation just because she is mad at him for whatever reason. She shouldn’t have them at all if she can’t be a mother. And let him know she wanted you to leave them alone which is illegal at their age.
The father has a lot of ammunition against her.” Malibucat48
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A reasonable person would tell you upfront, “can you watch my kids while I run to the club for 3 hours? I need to decompress/need a break.” Then they would come back at the 3-hour mark and thank you profusely for being an amazing friend.
She lied, stayed out longer, and had an attitude about the whole thing. She sucks. And you took good steps to keep the kids safe.” Wars4w
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s amazing how people try this and don’t realize officials take a dim view of abandoning your kids so you can party.
Now Dad has a clear case for revisiting custody arrangements since the kids got left with a non-family member for a non-emergency and this little game of “you have no choice but to watch my kids, oh, hey, just leave them alone there” was played. Keep all your evidence including the texts with the timestamps.
And you’re a good person not to have taken this out on the kids, and for making sure they got someplace safe. Hug for getting no sleep and getting reamed out by an idiot but still caring about those children.” Glum-Ad-4736
19. AITJ For Banning My Friend's Partner From Our Meetups After He Disrespected Us?
“1. None of my friends except me own their place.
2. In Bangladesh, you need a license to buy booze. I have one.
On to the incident. I and a few of my friends have an unspoken agreement that we’ll meet at least once a month to catch up and spend a boy’s weekend if you will.
We smoke, drink a few beers, play the latest Fifa or Mortal Kombat or some other couch co-op games, and watch bad movies. Our SOs know this and organize their own girls’ night in on those weekends. Recently one of them came out as gay, which took a lot of courage on his part, and received nothing but support from us.
So he wanted to bring his partner to the last meetup and we agreed.
However the partner was snobbish and derogatory to us, comparing us to teenagers, and when we trash talk in-game it’s always a snort and saying typical straight traits. The straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back was my friend’s wife called him and said they were pregnant.
The partner made a face and said and I quote “much breeding, such wow.” This made me furious as my friend and his wife have been trying for a baby for 3 years with multiple miscarriages.
I spoke to the partner in private and ripped him a new one because he was disrespectful to all of us but now he crossed the line.
To which he replied that he had no sympathies for straights. After this, I physically threw him out and banned him from all future meetups I’ll host. Since then that dude is blowing up my inboxes calling me a homophobe and and a lot of slurs.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t react to him being with one of your friends but rather to him being a jerk at the gathering. S****l orientation doesn’t matter in terms of being a decent person to spend time with and you illustrated that fact by taking him aside and also bearing with his trash talk in your own home.
Regardless of who they’re with this person shouldn’t be invited back unless and until they learn to be a proper human being with empathy for others at your gatherings. Related, how did your friend react to the SO saying all these things?” Veldrin_Dalharil
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I absolutely cannot stand people having that sort of attitude. I’ve had a friend do that to me before and it’s really very distressing. This bloke clearly has a chip on his shoulder, as someone else said, about his s*******y and the way society sometimes views it – but that isn’t the problem of you and your friends if none of you have done anything unkind towards him.
Nor should you have to tolerate being punched up at unnecessarily. Also, as someone who used to think they didn’t want kids, he’s not a very nice person for his reaction to someone’s pregnancy news. Just because it’s not interesting to you, doesn’t mean it’s not a big deal to someone else especially if they’ve been trying for a while.
I would never have said something like that because I like to think I was always aware that’s horrible. You guys are all better off not hanging out with this guy if that’s who he is. Hopefully, your friend ditches him and finds someone better.” Blairx6661
Another User Comments:
“Hi country-neighbour! Firstly, thank you for providing a safe space for your friend, it really warms my heart to see countries like ours are taking little steps towards inclusion. Secondly, forget this dude. I’m a lesbian and I do not want children, and you know what?
If I was going to meet my SO’s friends and one of them announced his wife was pregnant, I would be over the moon and congratulate them! And even if this dude does not like children, it costs nothing to be polite. Looks like he really missed out on manners.
I really dislike queer people like this, who would be disrespectful, mean, you know – overall awful, and then the moment someone takes a stand against them, they brand it as homophobia. It is not. Being a minority does not give you a free pass to be a bad person.
Said all that, I hope your friend stays your friend no matter what. Also, NTJ, obviously.” hotelpunsylvania
18. AITJ For Watching A Horror Movie On My Tablet On The Train?
“So I (19f) was on the train yesterday to travel to college, as I had a bit of a journey ahead of me I decided to start a movie my friend loves and I’ve been meaning to get around to, Mama.
I know it’s an older horror movie having come out in 2013 but I never got around to watching it so I figured why not. So I put in my headphones and began to watch it.
A little while into it I’m interrupted by a hand waving in front of my face blocking my view and when I took out my headphones this woman told me that my video was scaring her children and could I turn it off, also commenting on how it’s not appropriate for a public space.
I was a little surprised by this as I wasn’t holding it up to display to the train.
Her two kids looked to be between 5 and 8 though I can’t guess exact ages. The younger one did look a little disturbed, I apologized and said I’d keep it tilted away from them so they couldn’t catch glimpses of anything but she insisted I turn it off as it’s not appropriate.
I won’t lie I got annoyed at this and told her to maybe tell her children to not look at other people’s devices if she doesn’t want them scared. She was clearly upset and called me a little jerk and some other “nice” names. I eventually just got up and moved to another part of the train though I admit I flipped her off as I did so, childish?
Yes, but it was darn satisfying
I’m getting ready to go get my train to go to college today and considering watching another horror movie on the way but I’m wondering if it’s really so wrong to do that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Also here for everyone who feels “old” at having a 2013 film called “Older” Don’t worry.
This was an entitled mother who clearly wasn’t watching their children. It is your iPad and its screen is YOUR private property. If you are watching sensitive content and ensuring no one else can see it you are fine!” TheFoulWind
Another User Comments:
“YTJ slightly.
Idk why everyone in these comments is acting like they are perfect and they never accidentally see someone’s screen, especially something large like a tablet. Generally speaking, public spaces are not good for NSFW content which includes explicit and gore (cue people saying they’re not the same–yeah sure but neither of them is safe for a public audience).
I’m well in my 30s and I too would hate to be having a happy or even stressful day and glance at a slasher movie that messes me up. Sure she could have had her children look away and not confronted you, but you shouldn’t be watching that in public tbh.
You never know what someone’s triggers are.” spacedinosaur1313131
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I frequently watch horror movies while sitting with my kids as they fall asleep (they don’t like going to bed alone). I’ve explained that mommy watches scary movies and they need to NOT sneak glances at the screen, which I also keep tilted away to prevent accidental glimpses.
Guess what–they understood and it’s fine. They’ve literally never seen anything of my movies. That woman needs to step up and parent her children about not watching someone else’s screen–and that’s not even getting into the privacy aspect of it.” Whisperlee
17. AITJ For Sharing My Partner's Thoughtful Gift With Friends?
“I (25F) recently celebrated my 2 year anniversary with my partner, Cody (25M). He is super kind, patient, and very thoughtful.
For our anniversary this year, we went on a trip to Florida, and today, he brought me another gift.
The gift he brought me today was a big planter full of some of my favorite flowers. He picked out the planter, chose all the plants, bought the soil, arranged them beautifully, and typed detailed instructions on how to care for each one.
It was so sweet and thoughtful, and incredibly on-brand for him. I was super impressed with him, and immediately took a picture of it. I wanted to show my friends what Cody had done as they had recently asked me if he’d gotten me anything, so I sent them (a group chat with about 6 girls) a picture of the gift and a brief summary of what he’d done.
Shortly after sending the picture, I got many responses saying how sweet Cody is, and how he is very much a keeper. They all agreed that this was the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. Not long after that though, my friend Rebecca (28F) texted me separately saying that our other friend, Anna (30F) was extremely upset I had sent the picture.
According to Anna, it was a horrible thing to do, as I know tomorrow is Mother’s Day, and I know her husband Charles (32M) is likely not going to do anything for her. Charles has never once given Anna an anniversary gift, Valentine’s Day gift, birthday gift, etc. They have been together for over 10 years now, and she has never once received anything from him.
Charles is a stay-at-home dad and doesn’t leave their house often. No one ever sees him, and no one likes him. We have tried to convince Anna for years to leave him, but she doesn’t want to break up her family.
I told Rebecca that I am sorry that Charles doesn’t do kind things like this for Anna, but that I am planning on bringing Anna a Mother’s Day gift tomorrow, and I’ve gotten her a gift for every other holiday since her husband doesn’t.
She said that it was still a low blow to show how thoughtful my partner is so close to a special day.
My friends are split about half and half on whether or not I am in the wrong. I feel really bad that Anna is upset, and that her husband is the way he is.
Maybe I could have just not sent the picture or waited for another day. But at the time, all I could think about was showing the kind thing Cody had done. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“1. NTJ. Your friend’s reaction is a projection of her feelings towards her own situation.
She is possibly jealous and wants what you have. Rather than just be upset with her situation, she has to get mad at you because you get what she wants and doesn’t get. NTJ for sharing a special moment in a group chat with close friends who most likely share all sorts of things with each other.
2. How is a stay-at-home dad with no job supposed to buy gifts for your friend for all those holidays? You all don’t like him because of this? So he is expected to not have a job, stay home to take care of the kids, AND STILL keep up with giving gifts for all sorts of holidays?
Am I weird for not understanding this or seeing the oddity in this? I can understand if both parents had jobs and there was some sort of income coming in for him, but if he is a SAH dad, that wouldn’t be the case? I am sure there is more behind why he might not be liked?” Leonidus0613
Another User Comments:
“NTJ maybe she shouldn’t be one of the girls asking about what your partner got you if she doesn’t want to feel bad about her own relationship. NOT TRYING TO MAKE IT SOUND HARSH. I get it sucks being with a man who doesn’t think of you but if she’s going to be hurt over it after being one of the people that asked then maybe she shouldn’t ask to avoid being hurt.” Top-Passion-1508
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you can’t control how anyone would react to your pic. Anna needs to address her situation with someone qualified to give her professional help. She also needs to learn to not project her wishes/hopes/dreams and obviously their failures onto you.
You and your SO didn’t do anything wrong and if she can’t be happy for her friend maybe it’s time you distance from her.” MommaMS
16. AITJ For Not Letting My Sister And Her Partner Use My Room Without Prior Notice?
“I (17F) have the designated “guest room” due to the fact that I have the largest bed in the house, which means that whenever someone comes over, I have to let them use my room.
However, I am allowed to have one rule about it which is as follows: I need to be told if someone will be staying over at least 2 hours before they arrive so I can have time to clean and organize things without stressing. Things have been smooth about this rule and we haven’t had any significant issues.
However, my oldest sister (33F) stayed for a week, and my other sister who we’ll call Paula (28F), offered her room instead of mine so my oldest sister could have the bed she likes. I was barely able to get my room all to myself today, and I didn’t feel like cleaning so I decided to wait until tomorrow.
My sister Paula, her partner, and his brother came home today with liquor, so I assumed there’d be a designated driver, and I didn’t push the subject since I was with my own partner. Once my partner leaves, my sister tells me that they’ll be staying over for the night.
She told me this at 11:00 pm. I panicked and told her I couldn’t let them use the room since it wasn’t clean and my rule had been disrespected. Everybody, including my own mom, started telling me I was being selfish and that I should let them stay in my room.
Mind you, the rule isn’t there because of my parents needing my room to be clean, I simply don’t like letting people sleep in a dirty room. I feel like I wasn’t in the wrong, but also not in the right, and maybe I was being a bit selfish.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Literally one freaking rule. They had plenty of time to give you a warning. No respect for your boundaries. Also, I know this wasn’t the point of the post but you shouldn’t get kicked out of your own room every single time your family has guests over, especially since you’re 17 yo.
And maybe I’m weird and I know that these guests are probably all family members and friends of family…but like I would not like all those random people sleeping in my bed. Idk, I think that’s kinda gross.” Kick_Alone
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I really dislike your folks prioritizing 3 adults who came over and got liquored up over the child who still lives under their roof.
Why couldn’t the inebriated people make do with sofas and air mattresses or sleeping bags on the floor? And why are your grown adult siblings coming over and kicking you out of your room so frequently, anyway? The arrangement would make me feel like an afterthought/last person chosen for the team type, OP.
Sorry.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think they were being considerate of you OP, unfortunately. They’re just used to being able to crash at your house and they didn’t plan ahead. Can you ask your family to get an air mattress to set up in the living room for guests?” Jolly-Scientist1479
15. AITJ For Not Letting My Elderly Neighbor Park In Front Of My Garage?
“My elderly neighbor (early 70s) doesn’t have a parking space associated with her cottage. Up until now, another neighbor down the street was letting her park in their space because they didn’t have a car. That person just moved, so now my neighbor no longer has a dedicated place to park.
Street parking can be challenging in this neighborhood as we’re in a busy area, but it’s definitely always possible to find a spot within a 2 block radius.
She’s started hinting she wants to park in front of my garage door when I’m not parked there, as my garage happens to be adjacent to her cottage.
I am not okay with this idea, as a car parked in front of my garage door either blocks me in or doesn’t allow me to use my garage when I come home. She suggested if she comes home late at night and there’s no parking nearby, that she would park there overnight as an “emergency only” situation… I feel this scenario would quickly spin out of control if I let her park there even once- she will abuse it and start parking there all the time, which would be a huge nuisance for me.
I don’t want to deal with someone parking in front of my garage, even if it’s just in the middle of the night when it likely won’t be an issue/ she moves it early in the morning. I want peace of mind to be able to come freely in and out without worrying about someone else’s parking needs.
Her parking situation is not my problem to accommodate.
Am I a jerk for telling my elderly neighbor she can’t park in front of my garage door when needed/ in the middle of the night?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had just this thing happen.
I had an inset in front of the gate to my driveway. An older woman from across the alley asked to park there when she was unloading groceries. I said okay. Big Mistake. She started parking there all the time. She didn’t see it as a problem as I worked long hours, so she wasn’t blocking me during the day.
I started having to go across the alley to her apartment and ask her to move her car when I got home. Then she started not moving it right away when I asked. I told her she couldn’t park there anymore. I would get home and she would be parked there.
I asked why she was parked there, and she would say she was so sorry and get all nervous. One day her son was there, so I told both of them that next time she parked there I would have her car towed. What started off as a kind gesture turned out to make all of us feel bad.
Don’t do it.” feminist1946
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re right, it’s not your problem to worry about. Just because a kindly neighbor allowed her doesn’t mean you have to allow her to do the same thing. You’re allowed to say no and it seems she’s already allowed the previous neighbor to get to her head.
Where I live, in apartments, if you don’t have parking space, you find a different space,******* up, and walk to your apartment. The only way you have for sure have guaranteed parking is by paying $25/month to reserve a space. I’d be angry if someone wanted to use my space that I pay for, regardless if I was there or not.
Again, NTJ. Your property, your space, not your problem.” CatsInAOvercoat
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I understand why she would hint around, she is hoping to find a similar situation to what she had, and as her next-door neighbor, if you offered then that would have been ideal. Unfortunately, the situation would likely quickly turn into a nightmare if you said yes, as you’d find yourself forever being blocked in or blocked out.
Familiarity also breeds contempt, so even if you tried to lay down some basic ground rules, over time she would become so comfortable she would treat it like her space and not yours. Your best course of action is to obliviously ignore the hints. If she asks you directly for permission, skip the long explanation and just tell her you’re sympathetic, but that will not work for you.” MidCenturyMayhem
14. AITJ For Refusing To Make Amends With My Neglectful Mother?
“My mother mostly neglected me for most of my life and it felt like she loved my stepbrothers more.
This hurt me a lot as a teen as I was always given little to nothing compared to my stepbrothers.
So when I was of legal age I moved away and went no contact with all of them. Today my mom contacted me and said she had something super serious to tell me about and I shouldn’t delay it.
I was confused so I went with it and when I met her she told me she and my stepdad wanted to make amends for the “things in the past” and we should let the things that happened stay in the past. I told her straight away to get lost and I won’t let make her amends for what she did to me ever and she will live with guilt forever.
I know I was really harsh on her and my stepbrothers sent me messages that because of me I have ruined the atmosphere of the home. I told them to get lost and not contact me again and blocked them. However, I think I was a little harsh on my mom and was thinking to apologize and then politely tell her to get lost but I believe if I did that I think I will give her the closure she needed.
So AITJ did I overstep and should I apologize?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “Making amends” doesn’t mean that the wronged party just forgets about what was done and everybody starts over. It means the perpetrator acknowledges in full what they did and how they harmed the other person, and then takes whatever steps they can to help set things right.
Your mother and stepfather didn’t do any of that, they just demanded forgiveness for nonspecific “things in the past”. I wouldn’t agree to speak to them again unless they could acknowledge what they did and why it hurt you, apologize sincerely, and describe in what way they will attempt to actually make amends.” oreganoca
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Humans are wired to be social, so if someone goes no contact with their parents, that’s something BIG and tragic and probably (very likely) abusive. I fully respect other people’s choices to go NC – it’s their right, their mental and emotional health (sometimes physical too).
Also, making amends means to apologize, to recognize how and why they went wrong, and how and why they’re going to fix their problems. But your mom just said leave the past in the past? Get lost with that noise. The past is not in the past when it’s still haunting you and hurting you to your face.
Please go and live your life. Be happy and healthy. And heal from your wounds. I personally don’t think anyone can heal while the cause of their trauma is still around and damaging them.” savagefleurdelis23
Another User Comments:
“Making amends is a broad term. What was she bringing to the table to make up for years of neglect?
If it was just a feel sad, too bad with the expectation you’d forgive and forget, then no, you have nothing to apologize for and in fact, that would be giving her what she wants. If she genuinely wants to make up for years of favoritism and neglect, then she’s got to have something to show for it.
You’re still under no obligation to accept at this late stage. Using your stepbrothers as her flying monkeys, the people who benefited the most seems to show she had no intention of making you feel whole and more wanting to erase her own guilt over the situation she caused at no emotional cost to herself.
NTJ.” NotYourMommyDear
She felt something off but they kept playing on her heart and trying to play victim. On a second visit sre went to make coffee then accidentally heard them on the phobe with one of her brothers talking about how easy sge she was to manipulate
She let thrm play their hand and it turned out one brother needed a liver transplant and they wanted her liver. In another story parents wanted money because they were lousy handling money and were going to lose their house yet were still supporting 30+ yr old son who had never had a job
13. AITJ For Wanting An Infidelity Clause In Our Prenuptial Agreement?
“Getting married. We will have a prenuptial agreement. We have been together for over 5 years. Last year while I was out of town for an extended time period, she had an affair. I wish to never experience that kind of pain again. I have forgiven her and asked that she never speak to this person again.
She reluctantly agreed after a spout about me trying to control her. My stance is that I don’t want to be in the relationship if she is still communicating with him. I don’t want to control her, but I also want to make sure I’m happy and comfortable.
That is my boundary.
She obviously still has feelings for this person in that she talks about “letting the things you love go.” Part of me shakes my head in disgust, but part of me is empathetic and I understand it is hard to let things go that you love.
It’s a hard situation for her to be in as well. As far as I can tell, she has held up her side and not communicated with this person.
Regarding the prenuptial agreement, it is, for the most part, to protect her parents’ assets. I have no issue with this.
Would I be a jerk for suggesting an infidelity clause be added to the prenuptial agreement?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t have as strong feelings about infidelity as, well, it seems everyone else on here. I absolutely think a couple can work through it.
But there has to be genuine remorse and a willingness to make amends. You need to feel safe in your relationship. The fact that she pushed back on a very minimal condition is more than troubling. If you need an infidelity clause in your prenup, then you should get it.
This is her idea to begin with, to protect her assets. You get to add stuff for your protection too.” epostiler
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A prenup is to protect you and your assets. If you believe that infidelity is a potential problem, I would certainly include it.
If she is truly done with this person, there shouldn’t be any pushback. If she does hesitate over it, I would consider it a MAJOR red flag. While you say “one and done”, it seems that you believe it is not completely done and you have doubts.
Her reluctance to not be in contact with this person and charges of controlling her makes me wonder if there isn’t some secret communication happening. You might want to rethink this marriage.” Ducky818
Another User Comments:
“OP, read your own post. You don’t trust her, and there’s an obvious reason why: “She obviously still has feelings for this person in that she talks about “letting the things you love go.”” I’m sorry, but I’d put the brakes on marriage and go to couples counseling.
A contrite person who had two-timed would never speak of that person again voluntarily instead, she calls you ‘controlling’. She is literally rubbing your face in her affair and it’s really terrible of her. If you feel the need to put an infidelity clause in the prenup, ask yourself, is taking this legal step of marriage worth the risk and investment of your time and resources?
“I would rather move on completely instead of it being a nasty splitting mess.” If you are already envisioning it, you probably know in your heart this isn’t the best move for you. Just because you planned on getting married doesn’t mean you have to.
Frankly, I think you are offering way too much empathy and understanding toward someone who doesn’t seem to want to reassure you or have your best interests at heart.
“I believe as humans we are a victim of our own primal instincts at times.” Please, take a look at what you wrote and how much you are shielding her from the consequences of her choices.
This just breaks my heart. Whatever you do, take care of yourself first. I just don’t read “ready to wed” in this post. NTJ.” [deleted]
12. AITJ For Not Defending My Partner In A Neighbor Dispute Over Pets?
“I, 33(f), have been seeing “Dean” (33m) for 3 years. I have 5 kids from before and Dean has a roommate “Sam” and 2 cats. I get along with Sam and I love the cats. Dean moved onto my block about 1 year ago. It’s been nice being close to his place.
Dean treats his cats like special needs children – not wanting to leave them alone, thinking they won’t eat if he’s gone, etc. He often takes his cats outside without a leash in his yard to explore and I have seen him let them wander into other yards.
My kids are friends with both Dean’s neighbor on the side and the new ones that just moved in across the street. Both neighbors have dogs and Dean is always complaining about one thing or another about the barking, the leashes, the walking in his yard, etc.
The other night Dean, Sam, and I were hanging out in his living room. I had the curtain open so I could watch my 6-year-old outside playing with the 4-year-old kid across the street. My child ran to Dean’s, so the 4yo followed her, which made his dog follow him.
Good puppy, right?
Out of nowhere, Dean flies up and runs outside so fast I thought a kid got hit. He comes back and says the dog ran on his porch. He yelled at the dog to get away and yelled at the neighbors to keep their dog on a leash (he does get scary when he’s mad and yells like this) and then the neighbor lady proceeded to call him a jerk and yell at him to keep his cats on one then.
I felt more embarrassed than anything. I felt they both probably overreacted, but my kids play at her house, it wasn’t even my home, and I wasn’t even outside when it happened. I feel like he could have said something to them first since he had a whole week to let it boil.
Now Dean’s saying I’m a bad partner and he thinks I should have gone outside and “dealt” with this woman for treating him that way. He knows I have severe social anxiety so the chances of that happening are slim, plus the issue had nothing to do with me.
I straight-up told Dean I thought he was also in the wrong. I said if he can have his cats outside with no leash he has no reason to go after the neighbors for the same thing, just because he doesn’t like dogs.
He got very upset when I told him my thoughts.
He said he was mad at me because she started it, and since I just sat there (again- oblivious to what was happening outside) I must not care about him. He said he is sick of my “bipolar crap” so I kindly reminded him I have BPD, not bipolar.
He said he doesn’t want me in his house anymore and said I was probably out messing around, I don’t see the relevance. I said he was being rude to which he replied, “I’m just matching your energy”. He asked for his key back and we haven’t spoken since.
Maybe I should have addressed her? Should I have kept my honest opinion to myself? I’m racking my brain on this one and my family and friends are biased.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but why is this question even about why neither Dean nor anyone else in his neighborhood can keep their darn pets on a leash when Dean’s doing things like attacking your mental health issues and accusing you of being unfaithful for no apparent reason other than him being unhappy?
And why do you seem to think you should have made an effort to placate him so you could stay in a relationship with someone who seems to think he lives in a Jerry Springer episode? How do you have even one person in your family or social circle trying to validate this behavior?” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Dean sounds like he was out of control during that incident. While I clearly don’t know the inner workings of your relationship, you described some pretty abusive language and threatening behavior on Dean’s part. BPD can sometimes make it difficult to evaluate the quality of relationships, but it may benefit you to take a step back and ask yourself if you would think it is acceptable for a friend to be treated this way by a romantic partner.
Speaking with a trusted friend or therapist may also help to look at his behavior and your relationship more objectively.” kindofusedtoit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m assuming you say “my friends and family are biased” because they’re on your side and don’t like him? That’s your answer.
If your whole team doesn’t like him…. That’s your answer. He sounds like a jerk. He was incredibly rude and aggressive to you for having an opinion that doesn’t fit his. You had nothing to do with the interaction. He’s an adult who can handle his own disagreements.
He was also in the wrong during the interaction with the neighbor. And you getting involved would have meant you looking just as silly as he did. Run, don’t walk, away from that dude. You describe your partner as “scary when he yells”. I’m assuming you’ve got some experience with that already.
Run.” IncrediblePlatypus
11. AITJ For Telling My Younger Sister Our Bio Mom Isn't Really Our Mom?
“I (F16) and my sister (F14) live with our dad and stepmom. Our bio mom has not been in the picture for 11 years.
The last time I saw her was when I was 4.
Anyways, I was in my room when outside I heard my sister talking to one of her friends about her “mom”. I went out there and asked her what she was talking about. She said she was talking about how she wanted to meet our mom again.
This made me mad because when I was 4 I was taking care of her (3 at the time) and my brother (1 at the time). I was feeding them the last box of cereal we had because our bio mom wouldn’t get out of bed to get food.
The last time I saw her I didn’t eat anything because we had nothing and I was prioritizing my sibling’s health over mine. I went back to my dad’s and was shaking because I had not eaten in a week.
Back to the story: I proceeded to tell her angrily that she is not our mother and never has been.
She told me she was because she gave birth to us. I told her just because she birthed us does not mean that she is our mom. She may be too young to remember anything but she never took care of us.
My sister started crying and yelling at me calling me a jerk because of all the things I was saying about her.
And I told her that I didn’t care because it was true and a woman that neglected her kids should never be a mother or even have the title of one.
She hasn’t spoken to me since and now I’m wondering if I should have left it and not said anything.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. You didn’t need to get angry with your sister because she doesn’t remember how your mom treated you. I completely understand why you feel that way, but she doesn’t. Besides a quick apology to your sister, I think what you really need is a good therapist. Clearly, you were neglected at a young age and that can create lots of anger, resentment, and other difficulties that you don’t totally understand.
Finding someone to help you navigate that and understand your feelings could be very beneficial for you and probably your siblings as well. You can choose who you see as your true mother just like your sister can choose for herself.” Superb_Space7318
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ – your feelings and the memories you hold are very real and very personal. As are your sister’s. However, no matter how bad her childhood was she needs to develop a sense of identity, and whether she realizes this is what is happening or not, it may well be.
Part of this is she needs to piece together her childhood, and having the curiosity surrounding her mum is a natural stage of this. I have seen children go through the most horrific cases and still come out as teenagers and want to meet their parents – purely because they need a sense of belonging and understanding of their early life experiences that only they can provide.
90% of the time it ends up being a heartbreaking and harrowing time where they have needed a strong support system. Who, despite their own feelings needs to hold them up when they need it – this doesn’t need to be just you, this should be your dad and your step mum too.
Let her do this, let her see for herself, she needs this as much as you need to hate your mum because you have very different early life narratives due to your memories. Try to be there, support her but also talk to your dad and let him take the weight of this when you cannot do that for her anymore.” Flat-Effective-8199
Another User Comments:
“Gentle, loving boop of YTJ. I’m the Auntie of three adopted children who came up in similar circumstances when they were small, and if any woman apart from their mother called herself that title, I’d lose my freaking mind. However, as much as you’re entitled to have your feelings, so are your younger sibs.
They maybe don’t know what it was like for YOU to have to parent them, and to have to care for them when you were barely just a baby yourself. Being resentful of the memories THEY have, versus the memories YOU have is understandable. It makes sense, even.
But please remember that they weren’t at fault. They were tiny, too, and they didn’t make the horrible choices – your birth mom did. And while it’s understandable, it can’t be condoned for you to take that out on them. Maybe try to talk to them about what that crapshow looked like from YOUR seat, and the three of you, with the love and support of one another and your adopted parents, can break the cruelty cycle together.
Much love to you, Little One. I commend you for the fact that you and your siblings survived, and that’s because of you. You, yourself are nowhere close to a jerk. But your behavior was bad in this SPECIFIC situation, which is why I had to vote like I did.” katsmeow44
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To A Club And Drink At My Own Bachelorette?
“My bachelorette is next weekend, & it’s only myself (F29), my MOH (F29) & my 2 other bridesmaids (F27/F28).
I made it clear at the beginning stages of them planning it that I didn’t want to go to any clubs/drink.
Let me preface by saying I don’t care if they drink, but I specifically do not want to at all. I don’t like the way it tastes, even in mixed drinks, it’s still noticeable & I hate it.
My family has a few heavy drinkers & it’s a touchy subject for me. Seeing them struggle, watching what drinking has done to them & them going through a lot of scares that involve the ER because of a drinking binge the night before & being terrified has all created a very clear personal perspective of booze as a whole & refuse to drink any at all.
My MOH wants to go to a rather popular club during my bach & get tipsy, & I don’t. She told me I “need to at least do one drink” but drinking is the absolute opposite of fun for me. Just the idea of being stuck at a club while she gets tipsy is triggering really horrible memories for me.
Since she’d be paying for her own drinks, I feel bad “dictating” in a sense of how she can spend her own money, I just really don’t want to go to a club.
I reminded my MOH that I specifically requested no clubs & that I didn’t want to drink, even though she & my other bridesmaids are paying my way for the bach.
I told my MOH is the only one that wants to go to the club. At the risk of sounding like a bridezilla, don’t I get some say? I’m driving us all to the bach in my own car/paying for the gas because one of them shares a car with her SO, one doesn’t like to drive long distances, & my MOH hasn’t been to the area we are having my bach.
I also told her that where we are staying for the weekend is 1.5 hours away from this club, & I do not want to drive 3 total hours round trip to go to a club that I don’t even want to go to in the first place.
But because my MOH has never been where my bach is, did research on things to do in the area/found stuff she wants to do, & is paying for a larger portion of the weekend than the rest of my bridesmaids, she believes she gets to have the final say in what we do.
I told her that it is my bach, & that I should be able to veto an idea if it is not something I’d actually enjoy doing, regardless of who is paying. I also said the ridiculous cover charge to get into the club & the MASSIVE booze up-charge would be a huge waste of money that could be better spent on something that we’d all have fun doing.
She hasn’t had a proper vacation in 4ish years & is using my bach as an excuse to do what she wants to do, even if it’s not something the rest of us or even what I want to do.
Even without the booze, the club scene just isn’t me.
If it was my MOH’s bach, I’d******* up for the night & go to the club for her, I just would still not drink.
But does this all make me wrong for not wanting to go to a club at my own bachelorette? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not even really necessary to read the post. You don’t want to drink, you don’t have to drink. No matter the reason. It feels like your MOH is looking for an excuse to visit that club. She can go on her own on any other day, just not on your bachelorette.
This is a party meant to celebrate you so you get to veto every decision that is made. None of your wishes have bridezilla potential. You are simply telling them one thing: that you don’t want to drink. That is something that wouldn’t change even if it were any other day and not your bachelorette.
Please stand your ground!” emotional_1ychee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I mean sure, the people paying have sort of a final say, but they are supposed to choose stuff the bride enjoys. When I arranged one for my friend, she told me beforehand what she disliked and what she didn’t want (I think I could have guessed most of the stuff).
Then her other friends and I planned an itinerary that we knew she’d enjoy. You are allowed and should be able to set boundaries and let them know what you don’t want. They can plan around that. Stick to your guns. Unless going to the club is a red herring for some other activity you are going to enjoy she’s being a complete jerk.” NotLostForWords
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m in the same boat booze-wise and though I did go to clubs with my MOH and have a few drinks when we were younger she knew it really wasn’t my thing. Instead, she took us to a lovely afternoon tea place that was so fancy I was almost nervous but it fit my wedding local perfectly and it was lovely to just relax with her and chat while having tea and sandwiches.
She got a mimosa and neither of us felt out of place. Sounds like your MOH is thinking about herself and not about you the bride. It’s your bachelorette party so it should be something you’d enjoy. If she wants to use her trip to visit local clubs she can stay an extra night to go on her own time (maybe take the other bridesmaids as an after-wedding decompress).” Sweetsmyle
9. AITJ For Going Through My SO's Phone And Teaching My Kids It's Normal?
“My SO (36M) and I (35F) have been together for almost 5 years. We aren’t married yet but have lived in the same house for about 3 years. I also have 3 kids (16f, 2f, 8f) if that helps at all.
My SO and I are very open to each other, we share a lot of the same interests as well.
After being in a few toxic relationships it’s hard who to trust – and I’m certain I’ve found the one. I definitely have trust issues but I don’t think I do anything bizarre (like setting traps to know if the other is being unfaithful). But I have gone through his phone a few times even though he’s never gone through mine.
Today I decided to do a deeper search – I didn’t really have a reason I just felt like I needed to.
So I asked for his phone and he gave it to me, and I went outside to check. I went through his search history, everyone he was following, his messages, contacts, and even checked our IP for anything.
Luckily, it was all good. I spent about an hour or so looking. But right when I’m about to head inside, I see all three of my children peeking through the blinds at me. I go inside and ask why they were spying on me, it was very odd.
My oldest asks why I was going through my SO’s phone. I tell them that I was just looking at some things. My youngest two run off to play but my oldest gives me a dirty look and walks off.
Now I’m wondering if I was wrong to do this.
He has never gone through my phone, but I’ve gone through his and my oldest daughter’s. I just want her to be safe, and for me to be sure that everything’s okay. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“At this point, it sounds like you need to talk to a professional about your insecurities; they seem to be dictating a lot of your actions and will overrun your life if you let them.
As justified as your past experiences may make them feel, they do not dictate your future. If he hasn’t overtly done anything to make you feel insecure with him by now, try talking to him. Tell him about what you’ve dealt with in the past. Be specific with one or two examples if you can, so he can see it from your perspective.
Ask for his understanding. Then do what you can to recognize when you’re feeling that way – pause and take a step back from your impulse to immediately armor up and investigate. Find your triggers and stop for a moment when one happens. Eventually, it’ll become instinctive and you’ll feel like you have more control over yourself and more comfort with him and by extension others around you.
YTJ here, but you don’t have to be one in the future.” Fragholio
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and you’re teaching your kids that going through a SO’s phone is normal behavior. You only did that because of trauma (so I understand why, though it doesn’t excuse it) but you are showing your kids that that’s the way to be in relationships.
They will try that without previous trauma, and wonder why they’re dropped like hot potatoes. Your SO is far kinder than I to let you do that, but the problem is what you’re modeling for your kids. That is NOT healthy behavior and NOT a necessary part of relationships.
Instead, teach them that they are worthy of trusting, respectful relationships. Without prior trauma, if you don’t trust your SO to the point you want to look through their phone, the relationship is already dead and they should just leave. Show them what trust looks like!” fastyellowtuesday
Another User Comments:
“OP, I understand that feeling of being hurt by someone you trusted more than others, that feeling of betrayal, feels like it’s the worst kind of heartache and it’s a place I’ve been in more than once. Although every time I decide to open up my life to someone again, I decide to trust that person, because I don’t want to ruin what could potentially be a great thing.
And also because I always remind myself that it would hurt if that person didn’t trust me, and it wouldn’t be fair if I don’t trust that person but expect that person to trust me. It took a while for me, but I hope you can work to find peace and happiness in your relationship.” LittleThoughtBubbles
8. AITJ For Giving My Ex Conditions To Help Her Financially?
“My ex T (F32) & I (M34) have known each other for over 16 years.
To cut a long story short, I found out that T was being unfaithful & I stumbled upon the truth by accident, she never planned to tell me but when I did found out she took all she could from me in the courts. I have to pay for the kids & my old house that is now hers.
At first, I tried to get her to get the bio dad to help out but nope, even though she knows who it is, she cleaned me out instead & to add insult to injury, when I made peace with the fact that I’ll be on this financial hook, I tried to see the twins but she didn’t let me.
When it was brought up in court, nothing changed, the judge didn’t care. Luckily I had things to fall back on, but I had to sell my 1969 Camaro which I loved & I had to essentially start again. My friends & family definitely saved me too.
I never knew someone could be so duplicitous but I found out the hard way.
With that being said, T has never been good with money & after what she did to me she lost a lot of support, doesn’t have her mother (long story) & her dad & son (another long story) have both essentially stopped helping her out.
I assume she made bad financial decisions & she came to me out of the blue, asking me to help her & “my babies.” I reminded her that they aren’t my kids & I also reminded her that she doesn’t even let me see them much so she should go to someone else.
She then proceeded to ugly cry & after a bit, her crying became annoying to me so I told her that I’d only help her on 2 conditions.
1 she goes after the real father and lets me live my life & leaves me alone
2 she makes it easy for me so I can have full custody & she can have visitation
She liked neither of these options & instead decided to tell everyone she could about it & now people are split. My mum, aunt & my female cousins think I’m terrible for even suggesting it & not helping her & “my kids.” I’ve told them all that they have as much right as I do to help & look after her & the kids, but they never answer & just maintain that I’m the one in the wrong.
I need unbiased opinions to help me think.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But there is something more to this story. An unfaithful partner, with bio evidence that she lied about paternity, does not get child support, the marital home, and full custody with little/no visitation.
Decide who you are here quickly. Either you are the father of these kids and you need to go back to court for regular visitation and custody. If they are nothing to you then you need to go NC and move on as best you can… and that’s ok too.” jsodano
Another User Comments:
“Info: how old are the kids? Since when have you been with them? What’s the story with the baby daddy? Anyway, NTJ. She’s your ex, as in ex-obligation. Other than court-mandated support, you owe her nothing. Other people may not know the full story, and that’s why they take her side.
Other than that, you gave her two options that are suitable for you. She may not like them, but similarly, you don’t like how she took advantage of you… maybe I wouldn’t go as far as to take away her full custody (but again, I don’t know the full story), so this is where you may be a jerk – do not take kids away from their mom.
Unless she’s a bad mom, but doesn’t resonate from your post.” Harmless_tho_lethal
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here, I think. I have a lot of questions. First of all, she is a jerk. The first condition is reasonable, if it’s possible (see below) but possibly a jerk on the second.
Why go after the bio dad for support if you want full custody? Are you expecting that he pay you child support? Why do you want custody? I don’t see anything in what you wrote indicating you genuinely love and miss the children. Could it be to punish the ex?
I thought there were laws, at least in some states, where children conceived during a relationship, even if the biological father is someone else, are legally considered the children of the man in the relationship with the mother. Is this an issue in your state?
Because if so, I don’t know if it’s possible to force the bio-father to pay support. How did she manage to clean you out financially when she was the one being unfaithful? Did you have an incompetent lawyer? Finally, all these people who are now mad at you for not helping her — why don’t they put their money where their mouths are and help her themselves?” Paevatar
7. AITJ For Kicking Out My Parents After They Insulted My Husband's Financial Skills?
“My husband (34M) is a really brilliant pediatric surgeon but he is really bad with finances and gets very anxious when he has to decide anything about finances.
He went to therapy, used medication for his anxiety but it hasn’t gotten any better. The plot twist is, that he comes from a very financially successful family. His parents have made a fortune out of stock markets and all of his brothers (2 older, 1 younger) are in the finance business.
I (32M) am also in the financial sector and I was a former employee of FIL while I was in university. We met via him while my husband was an intern in med school. We were together for 2 years and got married in 2014.
My husband is a really sweet guy, he is very good at his job and he is respected among his peers but when it comes to money, he is clueless.
Before we got married, his parents and siblings were managing his money and after we got married, I got the job. My husband does not want to know anything other than the amount for his spending money. He still doesn’t understand how the markets work even though he can basically create an intestine for a kid from zero.
My parents don’t approve of what I am doing and they think I am wasting my life “babysitting” a giant man but they stopped complaining about it, at least I thought so.
Last week, I had my parents for dinner in my house and we said we were planning to have a baby via surrogacy.
My husband’s cousin volunteered to be the egg donor and the surrogate and I will be the sperm donor. My parents said “At least the genes are coming from people who have some basic life skills.” My husband was shocked and I said “Excuse me?” My mom said to my husband “Let’s be honest, we love you but you are nothing without him or your family and you would be probably on the streets swimming in debt and you are nothing good outside the hospital. You need constant help with daily life and it is good that my son is going to be the main parental figure.”
My husband excused himself and left to our room. I was enraged and kicked my parents out of the house. After I comforted my husband I called my ILs and when I told them about what happened they said “They aren’t technically wrong though. We all have backup plans, trust funds, etc. for him.
They should be apologizing for their wording for sure but they are not telling lies. Also, even though your husband can be a good parent, you need to be the one that should teach our grandkids about finances, how money and life work, etc.” If we have to look retrospectively, it’s true.
It was always his parents, me, or his brothers who handled my husband’s finances, etc. and I might have been really harsh on them.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“This doesn’t seem hard – NTJ. Everyone is a mixed bag, your husband is just a more extreme case.
He’s a kind person, great at a job that truly helps people, and apparently a good partner. Oh – and rich. That seems like more than enough good qualities for one person. He’s terrible with money, and so what? Being terrible with money is one of the reasons he’s lucky to have you, just as you are clearly lucky to have him.
It would be so much worse if he was bad with money but wouldn’t admit it and insisted on handling the finances. Instead, he happily hands control to you – a person much better equipped for the job. Sounds like a great arrangement. Your parents are jerks (with sexist notions that a man who saves children’s lives for a living can’t be a real man if he doesn’t balance the books), and his parents are being a bit jerky as well.
No wonder he has anxiety around money – he’s surrounded by judgmental jerks who think no amount of medical brilliance makes up for not being great with money.” GDswamp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but if even his own family has similar opinions as yours then maybe there is a real issue here that needs to be dealt with.
You have to always be prepared for the worst and if anything happens to you and his family, a trust fund isn’t going to be enough to help him survive by himself, especially if by that point there are also children in the picture. Instead of being condescending, his parents should explain that they’re just worried about him and that they love him and want him to be more independent.
You could maybe help him get a grasp on the finances as a start and work from there. Your parents should 100% apologize to him though even if what they said is also out of worry and love for you. As a queer person, I really hope their attitude doesn’t have anything to do with homophobia.
Also, I might be really reaching here but is there a possibility that your husband is on the autism spectrum? Because being so proficient in something that interests him and helpless when it comes to something that he doesn’t like is a common symptom as far as I’m aware.” crispyliza
Another User Comments:
“I’d say NTJ for kicking out your parents but the jerk for even questioning if there is even a basis for what they said. The thing is that it doesn’t really matter because a marriage is a partnership and at the end of the day the important thing is that you can complement each other and make it work.
It’s not like he is financially irresponsible, he’s not gambling and losing funds and needs you to control him. But I’m guessing this constant pointing about him not having this particular skill is only adding to his anxiety. Also, finances are NOT the only thing children need to learn, that’s not even in the top 5.
Put things in perspective. Being a good parent is the top priority if you want to have children with someone, financial skills can be learned in a number of places.” Odd_Anywhere256
6. AITJ For Not Driving My Injured Self To Take My Daughter To Prom?
“I’m (42M) a single father and yesterday was my daughter Moira’s prom dance. I was supposed to take her there, but in the morning I was helping a friend move some of his furniture and I accidentally fell from his stairs.
He took me to the hospital and it turned out that I sprained my left foot and my head was hurting, they did check for a concussion but they said everything was okay it would pass the next day, and that I should rest. I was able to drive home but to be honest my head was killing me and when I got home I told Moira that I couldn’t take her there and I was gonna call her uncle (35M) so he could drive her.
She got mad because she wanted me to drive her there and stormed to her room. I was about to follow her but I didn’t and went to my room to sleep. Around 2 pm she wakes me up and says ”what if we take an Uber, you see me leave and then you get back?” I was like huh?
But said no because I was half-asleep and since she woke me up suddenly my head felt worse. In the end, her uncle picked her up and dropped her there.
I feel better now and I offered to compensate her, but she said no and that she hates me.
My brother said that I was a jerk because it was a special moment for her but honestly life was blurred that day, I would’ve driven her if I could, but I would’ve endangered her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Kids are made of rubber and don’t always understand how much a fall like that can shake up an adult in their 40s.
Apparently, neither do some of the commenters here, who are dismissing your headache and saying you should have pushed through the pain. Some pain you push through, some you don’t. If your vision was affected and you were having a hard time being awake, you probably shouldn’t have been left alone at all.
You certainly shouldn’t have been driving, and you were probably right to stick to your decision to stay quietly at home. I’m 51, and I have 19-year-old twins who don’t always get that I don’t bounce back like I used to. I’m not going to say your kid or your brother are actual jerks, but they clearly are not getting that you were hurt.
More than bruises. Enough to wipe you out for the day. As much as you cared about being there for a special moment with your kid…life happens. Your kid needs to learn to roll with that stuff and respect other people’s human limits, sooner rather than later.” Amiedeslivres
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. BUT I totally understand why she is hurt. You were unable to drive because of an accident. But it also hurt her a lot that you didn’t experience that special moment with her. While my parents were there to see me off to prom, I came home to an empty house the next morning (school had an overnight event for safety).
My parents were divorced and I lived with my mom, but she had been staying with her husband (then partner) because he had a stroke and needed care. Did she have a legitimate reason for not being there? Yes. Did it still break my heart a little that she wasn’t there and I didn’t get to gush over prom with basically my best friend?
Also yes. Maybe you can reach out to her uncle or other parents and ask for any pictures or videos they have. Then go to your daughter and say that you are sorry that you missed the moment and that you are also hurting because you didn’t want to miss that moment.
Give her some time but also tell her you’d love to look at pictures with her and hear about her night. Also to everyone saying it’s just a dance and juniors have prom, too… this isn’t always true. My school had a junior fling that, while nice, was NOT prom.
And there were no other dances. So yeah, it can be a big deal. NTJ, OP. But neither is your daughter. She’s just hurting and dealing with teenage emotions. Give her a hug and I hope you feel better soon.” CompactDisc96
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I can get where she’s coming from and I can sympathize to some degree: prom is a really important night for 16-year-olds, especially 16-year-old girls. And it’s definitely important for teens to have their parents see them off at an important event like that because it’s meaningful to them.
But I’m always a firm believer in health always being a major priority. Head injuries shouldn’t be taken lightly. They can get really bad really quickly if you’re not careful, and sometimes just being in a car can make it worse (one of my best friends had multiple concussions and she is still dealing with the repercussions of it almost a decade later).
Clearly, there were attempts at making a compromise here. It’s definitely a sucky situation no matter how you spin it. Hopefully, she had a fun night at prom and I hope you guys can reconcile.” beachylawgirl22
5. AITJ For Telling My Father I Hate Him After His Latest Outburst?
“I am a 15-year-old (Afab but I’m closeted trans) so this may seem like typical teenage angst but my father is an absolute jerk.
About a week ago, he came home intoxicated and started a fight with my mother regarding his idea that she may have two-timed him 14 some years ago while they were broken up.
Typically when they fight, I stay in my room but I hadn’t eaten all day so I left my room to fix myself a sandwich only to have him start shouting about how I’m “not even his kid” (despite the fact that I’m practically a mini version of him) and stating that my mother’s childhood best friend had confessed to him that he was my biological father.
He tried to drag me directly into the argument and I ignored him and walked away which then spurred a hissy fit about how my mother is ‘turning his children against him”. The next morning he woke up and apologized profusely to my mother saying that it would never happen again and tried to apologize to me only for me to tell him I hate him and walk away.
My mother lectured me about how he’s my father and that I should have more respect for him but I don’t feel like he deserves it.
He comes home intoxicated from work every other night and starts fights over everything, shoves his opinions down my and my brother’s throats to the point that my oldest younger brother has begun to seriously take on his racist and homophobic views, and makes it a point to be as much of a jerk as possible every time I do something wrong.
He only ever targets me and my mother in his intoxicated rage, leaving both of my brothers out entirely. Every time I forget to clean my room once or twice he takes EVERYTHING out of my room outside of my bed and TV, yet never punishes my younger brothers for what they do wrong.
I’m terrified of him and my mother keeps defending him by saying it’s just a reaction to his medication and the booze + says that he doesn’t mean it and tells me that I have no reason to be “rude and disrespectful” to him by expressing my dislike of him.
She tells me all the time that it’s not fair of me to hate him like I do because he’s “not in his right mind” when he does these things so they aren’t a reflection of who he is and I’m starting to consider that I’m seriously being unfair to despise him.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“A common pattern that women with abusive husbands fall into is not being able to get their husband to change his behavior and giving up on him, and trying to control their kid’s behavior and pretending like they’re the problem instead.
She’s wrong. Your father is abusive. You’re a teenager now, and when you’re a teenager you’re old enough to give and revoke your respect for someone based on their actions instead of blindly respecting and loving your father because you’re 7 and don’t know any better.
Your father has made it clear he’s not someone you should respect – the fact that he happens to be your genetic predecessor doesn’t change this.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Heavy drinking parents have a really destabilizing effect on kids, who try to make sense of it by sometimes taking on some of the blame that the heavy drinker assigns to them because heavy drinkers don’t really blame themselves for their bad behavior.
There’s always an “external” source for their acts, and the apologizing afterwards messes kids up. Your feelings are valid, especially if you are noticing a difference in treatment between your siblings and you. Your mother is so wrong – it is a reflection of him, he is a heavy drinker, a mean one too it sounds like, and he has to accept responsibility for his actions.
Don’t let his words get to you, and look up “children of heavy drinker parents” online for resources and tips for coping. It will get better once you are able to move out, just survive these years as best as you can, and reach out for support from your school counsel or trusted teacher or adult family member if things get too overbearing or abusive.” Rohini_rambles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My heart just hurt reading your story. Your parents are seriously screwing up. He does not deserve your respect, and neither does your mother. Your father is a heavy drinker and your mother is deeply codependent. You and your sibs are children of a heavy drinker, which has life-long implications.
Are there other family members or the families of friends you could go to? To stay with, or just for help? It tends to run in families, so there might well be cousins/aunts/uncles who know what you are talking about. One thing you could do is check out an Alateen meeting.
These are 12-step groups for the teenage children of heavy drinkers. They are free and anonymous. You don’t need permission to go to a meeting, you just show up. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to – you can just listen. One of the benefits of finding an Alateen meeting is that you will find other kids who are having experiences similar to yours.
Just talking is so often helpful. Depending on your school, a guidance counselor might know of meetings. They might also have other ideas for how you can cope with this awful, awful situation. If you are an academic type of person, there are LOTS of books and online resources for children of heavy drinkers.
You should know that being a child of a heavy drinkers gives you an increased risk of becoming one yourself. I am so sorry, OP. I am sending you hugs.” Nani65
4. AITJ For Not Wanting My Toddler Daughter To Go To Vietnam For A Year?
“My wife is Vietnamese and I’m British. We live in the UK and our daughter is 2 years and 10 months old.
My wife’s father (my father-in-law) is dying of cancer and he’s already outlived the maximum time the doctors gave him. He hasn’t asked but my wife wants him to spend some time with our daughter before he dies.
Only one problem, he lives in Vietnam… a cool 16-hour flight away from where we live and almost as far away from us as you can get on the planet.
I’ve already said that I’d be happy for this to happen… when she’s older. Like 7 or 8 maybe.
But not right now. And certainly not for a whole year.
She only speaks to them through the phone and the last time she saw any of them face to face she was only 6 months old so doesn’t remember. I know my daughter and she would be terrified in a country she doesn’t know the language of and surrounded by people she half recognizes.
I feel bad for my wife and father-in-law, but I will not allow my daughter to be sent to the other side of the world at this age without either of us living there as well. My wife and I had a big argument about this and I told her dead straight that if she does that without me knowing I will call the police and Interpol on her.
So… am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Of course you don’t want your very small child to go on the other side of the world for a year. There is no benefit to your child to send her to live with strangers for a year.
She doesn’t know them. They don’t know her. One of her relatives is dying, that’s an unsettling situation for a child. She’ll be surrounded by grieving people. I’m so sorry your wife is losing her dad but this is not good for your child.
If your wife thinks it’s NBD to be apart from her child for a year, perhaps she should go to Vietnam alone to be with her parents while you and your little girl stay in the UK.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I’ve lived in VN, and there are very different cultural behaviors and beliefs here than in the West. I can see from a VN perspective why your wife would think of doing that, but I also totally agree with you that it is absolutely not appropriate.
Also, depending on how educated your in-laws are, there could be some pretty serious issues… there are a lot of beliefs, a total lack of scientific understanding in the general population, and whatnot that I am guessing you would not approve of being applied to your daughter.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I also came from an immigrant Asian family where the kids were sent to live with grandparents for a year or more. It was considered a good way to keep up extended family ties and help the working parents out with babysitting.
What they didn’t consider was that from the kids’ point of view, you’re abandoning them. Also if they form ties and have trouble remembering their parents, it’s like someone is kidnapping them from their “real” family. My younger sister ended up traumatized and in therapy at a young age.
The therapist told my parents that my sister didn’t know who to trust. PLEASE don’t damage your child’s ability to form healthy relationships later in life by creating major disruptions in her relationships with caregivers now. The damage can be extensive and irreversible.” LavenderPearlTea
3. AITJ For Removing A Gift My SIL Bought For My Son Because He Was Saving Up For It?
“I would like to start off that my husband (40M) and I (34F) do not spoil our kids.
We are very well off but both of us started off from a very poor background, so we really want our kids to earn things and them not being given to them. We have three kids, Sara (11F), Ben (9M), and, Keith (7M). The only time we spoil them is at holidays and their birthdays.
We like to go out for those times. The rest of the time we will only buy necessities, like new clothes, school supplies, and whatnot when needed.
So our kids have one chore to do every day, We have a chore chart that rotates between, vacuuming, filling the dishwasher, and emptying the dishwasher.
Now we have another chores chart that they can pick a chore from and if they do it they earn 50 cents. There have to be over thirty different chores on that chart that can be done every day (things like sweeping the steps, cleaning kitchen counters, dusting).
So if you do three extra chores that day you earn 1.50. At the end of the week, we pay our kids. Each kid has their own secure spot to keep their money. We start each kid doing this at 6 years old to teach them money management.
It works really well and Sara has over 200 dollars saved up and Keith is starting to learn how to save.
My son Ben has never gotten the hang of saving. He has always been the type to spend everything he earns very quickly. He usually will do enough chores a week to get ten bucks.
By Wednesday the money is gone since he will spend it all at the school store (candy and whatnot). Well, a new Kirby game came out for the switch and he wanted it. Well, he didn’t have any money saved up so he has to earn the amount he needs to buy it.
The game is about 60 dollars so that means 120 chores. Well, Ben was really struggling at the beginning but was slowly saving up the money. He now is halfway there.
My SIL has never liked this system and really believes kids should be spoiled. When she was over today she downloaded the game on the switch and showed it to Ben.
Ben started to play the game and we noticed when he already started the game. We were very angry at SIL since it defeated the whole point of what we were trying to teach. So while SIL was here I removed the game from the switch and explained to Ben that he still needed to earn the game.
That I will redownload it when he earns the money.
SIL blows up at me and tells us that it’s a present and my kid doesn’t have to earn crap. That we are awful parents for doing this to our kids. She left and told my husband’s mother and told us the same thing.
Now we are both doubting our system even though it works great for Sara.
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here but only a bit. The good: Your system of chores for pocket money is conceptually fine. Lots of families do this and it’s good for teaching kids the value of work and money.
The not-so-good: Your SIL undermined an agreement you already had with Ben. That’s not helpful to the lessons you’re trying to teach him. Worse, calling you awful parents is unreasonable. However, with that done, look at the lesson you’re now imparting to your 9-year-old. Someone gave him a gift, but because he wanted that gift Mom took it away.
He did nothing wrong but got punished. The lesson he might learn? Hide gifts from mom. Don’t let Mom know what you have or it could be taken away. I’d say that’s not an ideal outcome. The whole “working towards this game” lesson is scrapped, but it’s not like that’s the only opportunity to teach it.
Only a little bit of a jerk, and that’s just because Ben probably won’t see the whole picture including the lesson you want him to learn, otherwise, you wouldn’t need to teach him it!” MigrantPhoenix
Another User Comments:
“You’re the jerk. I think your chore system is reasonable but so is your SIL giving your child a random gift. So taking that away until he finds the $60 is unreasonable.
Who does the $60 go to? Are you making him pay back the SIL? She isn’t going to accept it so then what happens? Do you pocket your SIL’s money? I think a better thing to do here is to engage with your son on if there is some other 40-60 dollar item he wants and show him how close he is because he saved and encourage him to get there so he can have the satisfaction of saving and getting.
If you make him pay $60 for this game he will never feel the satisfaction of saving for it and instead only bitterness of having to buy back the gift.” GWeb1920
Another User Comments:
“Isn’t the point of being “well off” and making good money so you can give your kids what you didn’t have as a child?
You can teach your kids the value of a dollar and also give them gifts and treat them now and then. My parents said no to some things and yes to others. They spoiled me and my brother on birthdays and holidays, and you know what?
I still knew the value of a dollar. I worked from 16 years old and saved all of my money over the last 10 years and have bought myself (27f) my first home, all by myself. And yes, I was a spoiled kid. Give your kids a break.
Don’t you want them to look back at their childhood and say “wow, Mom and Dad sure were fun and always made sure we had fun toys and games. I miss those days!” You’re the jerk. Lighten up, please.” dhesty123
2. AITJ For Asking My Daughter To Have A Moment Of Silence For Her Stepsister At Her Wedding?
“I’m 57M. I have a daughter from my first marriage (27F) who is getting married on August 5th. My wife and I are paying for it, it’s a big wedding and lots of people are coming.
I am married to a 55F, we have been married for 11 years, and I’d been divorced for years when we met.
She had a daughter who passed away this February at 26 years old after a long illness.
My wife and I asked my daughter to have a moment of silence for her stepsister before the toast. Initially, she agreed. Last week she informed me that the minute of silence won’t be happening because the day is already too full.
I told her that if she doesn’t want to do it, she should just say so and not make excuses, if there is time for each bridesmaid to share her favorite story of the bride, there’s time for this.
She got angry and said this is her day, not my wife’s.
I told her to just think of my wife’s pain and do this for her, after all she’s covering half the cost of the wedding (we have a joint bank account and the money for the wedding is coming from both of us).
My daughter said I am out of line asking her to share the spotlight with a deceased person, and I called her a selfish jerk.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for calling your daughter a jerk. Way out of line. YTJ for asking your daughter to include a grieving moment during her wedding for your wife. YTJ for getting angry when she said no. YTJ for putting your wife before your daughter on her wedding day.
YTJ for using money to try to control what your daughter wants. Putting your wife and stepchild before your daughter is why so many parents lose their children forever. If you want to be in the life of your grandchildren, back off. You and your wife are grieving differently from your daughter.
You cannot make an instant family. Judging from the ages, your daughter and stepdaughter didn’t live together long or form a sibling bond as kids.” LouisV25
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I’m sorry for you and your wife’s loss. However, This reads that your wife is now realizing she won’t get to go to her daughter’s wedding, and has decided she can force a wedding milestone for her daughter at your daughter’s wedding.
Will there always be a moment of silence for your stepdaughter at all of your daughter’s big events? You’re the jerk here because you never should have asked. Unless the bride or groom asked for this, it’s a very bold move to request. I’m sure your wife is in a lot of grief, but having a moment of silence at a wedding will not help.” SherbetAnnual2294
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and the fact that you specified that you were paying for the wedding in the first paragraph set the tone for the rest of your attempted excuse. Also, if my father ever referred to me as a selfish jerk (which he would NEVER DO) I’m not sure I could ever completely forgive him.
Why not ask the bride and groom if they’d be comfortable with a small setting somewhere with step-sister’s photograph and a candle or two? Weddings incorporate family members who have passed all the time without making it all about them.” ChewieStarface
1. AITJ For Not Revealing What My Estranged Husband Said To Me After His Surgery?
“My estranged husband was in a bad car accident and needed emergency surgery. Even though we have a strained relationship, I still went to the hospital with our son in case he wanted to see our son when he woke up and to support my in-laws who I still have a great relationship with.
After his surgery, he was only allowed one visitor, and the nurse said he kept asking for his wife. It was awkward since I was the last person anybody expected him to want to see and his partner wanted to go instead since she thought he was just confused and meant her.
In the end, I went to see him.
After the visit, everybody wanted to know what he said to me and if he was okay. I told them he was fine but wouldn’t tell them what else he said to me. They kept asking me questions and getting upset that I wouldn’t give them a straight answer.
The partner also kept asking me if he had really meant to see her and got angry because I was dodging the question.
The reason I never told them what he said was because it would’ve caused issues with his partner, I didn’t want to hurt her while she was already worrying about him, and I was still processing what he had said.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for keeping things private from the partner. If your husband had things to say to you that don’t include her, then you’re right to keep them private, especially since your husband is in a rough situation, what with being in the hospital and all.
I think it’s also right to keep it from his family. The man trusted you, and it’s not your place to break that trust. That said, two things pop up in my mind: 1) Did you check with the in-laws before going? If not, you probably should have, and you should probably check in the future.
That could avoid awkwardness. 2) It might have helped if you had had a white lie ready to go. Something like, “He wanted to talk about our son, and I don’t really feel comfortable about it.” And finally … dang, you need to treat us right. We’re a bunch of jerks here, and we thrive on other people’s drama.
Not telling us your husband’s secret is like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey and then taking it away. You can tell us. We won’t tell your husband’s partner. We promise.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not giving them word for word what he said if it was private, but couldn’t you at least give them a watered-down version?
Like just tell them he wanted to apologize for things that happened during your initial separation. He can fill in the blanks for them once he’s well enough. You shouldn’t be the one to have that conversation with his gf or his family.
However, you are veering very close to jerk territory by purposely being vague and alluding to the fact that he said something important. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here, but it does almost sound like intentional drama stirring on your part.” LarkspurSong
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if your husband is using another woman for comfort and support while trying to get back with you. What’s more hurtful finding out that someone lied or finding out someone lied and other people knew and kept it from you while you wasted time, effort, and energy.
Keeping information from the partner only helps your ex, who is keeping your backup in the dark so he doesn’t have to face his choices. If you keep secrets from her then you are just as much of a conniving, manipulative user as your husband who is leading on a woman who cares enough to turn up at the hospital. Why would you support screwing her over because he is a coward?
You’re not his secret keeper or stooge so why join in on making any reveal significantly more painful and hurtful? That’s just cruel to do to her.” HannahAnthonia
