People Look Inward In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Calling My Partner 'Princess' Despite My Sister's Disapproval?
“My nickname for my partner is Princess. There’s a show we like and a character who is a princess is her favorite and on the show, other characters sometimes refer to her as “Princess.” I called her that once as a reference to the show and she liked it, so now it’s our thing.
My sister hates that I do this and told me never to do it in front of her. If my partner isn’t present I just refer to her by her name. The Princess nickname I only say to her.
At the Fourth of July party at my parents’, I called her Princess once when she did something nice for me, and my sister got upset at me later, saying I violated her boundaries.
I don’t think it’s reasonable to have a boundary for what other people call each other. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is using terms without knowing what they mean. There are two types of boundaries. Internal (not saying something even if you want to) and external (not letting something bother you even if it sorta does).
She actually doesn’t have external boundaries. She can’t go around trying to control others and if she expects to be able to she’s going to have a rough time.” lmboyer04
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I used to be in your sister’s shoes, but I think my situation was at least a little bit more understanding.
My brother’s partner would always call him “sir.” They were both 18 years old and I was 20 and I would cringe every time I heard it but I never asked them to stop. Just would make a face that showed that I was uncomfortable. Your thing just seems to be a cute nickname so I don’t know why your sister is bugging.
Definitely NTJ, but glad I could share this. Also, his partner at that time aren’t together anymore because she was unfaithful… I knew she was a jerk – not because of the nickname stuff but it definitely didn’t help.” Familiar_Shapes
Another User Comments:
“Your sister is out of line. If the nickname somehow triggered your sister – which is not the case – you could stop using it when she is around. But her demanding that you stop because she doesn’t like it is entitled and bratty.
She isn’t part of your relationship and needs to butt out.” Pink_RubberDucky
21. AITJ For Taking Cups From Restaurants After Nights Out?
“My partner gets pretty mad at me when I bring cups home from restaurants. More specifically after a night out we order a ride to a waffle house and consume a bunch of carbs. It’s not often but sometimes I’ll bring the cup home with me.
She never notices until we’re out the door on the short walk home. She didn’t like it the first time or second but the third or fourth time she got pretty upset, to an unreasonable amount in my opinion.
I don’t think it’s a big deal at all, they have hundreds.
And I’m not much of a thief by any means, but she considers it a moral thing. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It is stealing. It shows that you have no respect for other people’s property and that is a trait no one is going to find appealing in a partner.
If you’ve done it at least 4 times, it’s a habit now. Consider if the cheap thrill you get is worth being dumped, and if you need to talk to a therapist about why you must steal. “On the short walk home” – you’re stealing from a neighborhood joint?
Oh man, you’re going to develop a reputation of a sticky-fingered patron and be banned, might even feature in a local group’s business page with people laughing at the person who steals cups!” Rohini_rambles
Another User Comments:
“My friend had the same thing. We thought it was funny the first cup and second but after that, it’s just stealing for the heck of it.
When it kept happening all of us would get in trouble even though it was just him stealing. It also kind of warped our view of him. Stealing isn’t funny or a joke. Why would you want a thief as a friend? He got himself banned from a place we loved to eat at because of his stealing.
Thankfully we had already walked out so we weren’t affected but after that, we stopped hanging out. Your partner probably doesn’t want to associate herself with a petty thief and while you see no harm it raises so many red flags for her.
If you’re willing to steal cups what next?” Night-light51
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I mean, it totally is stealing. But it’s also a pretty common and fairly harmless form of theft. Plenty of restaurants end up leaning into this pretty common human tendency. The dinnerware at TAO (a chain of trendy Asian restaurants) says “stolen from TAO” on the bottom as a mischievous wink at the fact that they expect some people to take it home.
My favorite college bar had pint glasses with their logo on the side and a policy of letting you take one home at the end of the night. APL, a fancy steakhouse in Los Angeles, by contrast, makes a big deal of saying that they’ll call the cops on you if you try to take home one of their signature steak knives.
It’s not really any financially worse to take a glass than taking more paper napkins than you end up needing. But it really is theft. The difference is that the napkins are there for you to take and cups are obviously supposed to stay.” Rojaddit
Like, is this your "thing?" Really? This is what you went with instead of developing a personality?
Whatever floats your tedious little boat, I guess.
20. AITJ For Opposing My Aunt's Plan To Distribute Grandma's Ashes To All Memorial Guests?
“My grandmother passed away on Tuesday. My aunt (grandmother’s daughter) has put herself in charge of planning the memorial. She has decided that she wants to set out a basket of small jars with my grandmother’s ashes in them for guests to take if they want them.
She seems to think this is normal.
My mother (also grandmother’s daughter) and I very strongly disagree. We think that only close family (her children, grandchildren, favorite nephew) should be given this honor if they would like. I know for a fact there may be a few people attending that my grandmother disliked that would potentially take a jar.
I do not want that to happen.
My mother will be discussing with my grandfather what he would like to happen since my aunt refuses to listen to him. If he wants this I will bow out. If he does not and my mother fails to convince my aunt I am prepared to go nuclear and bring the fire down on my aunt.
Would I be the jerk if I did this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have been to a couple of funerals where ashes were given at the door as we were leaving. But only for those who wished to have some. One was in a little envelope with a picture of the deceased on it and another was in a little glass tube with a stopper (like the perfume samples come in).
I didn’t take any either time as I felt very odd about it. However other people did. Regardless, it IS up to your grandpa as to what HE wants to do and if your auntie insists on going through with it, and you sound like the strong protector of the family then you would NOT be the jerk to make sure your grandpa’s wishes are followed. I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with this and I’m sorry for the loss of your grandma.” MissSuzieSunshine
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It isn’t “normal” for the aunt to want that, but I’m someone who can understand the sentiment behind it if it’s being given to family/very close friends only. Honestly, I wish my family would do something like this so I can have a piece of my grandma, as I’ve cut off my family and they have her ashes.
Only sharing that because I see so many people are like “wtf why would anyone do that”. She definitely should have discussed it with people before deciding to do it though. But you’re not a jerk in any way for wanting to keep her altogether and because the idea makes other people uncomfortable including yourself.
You are all going through a super difficult time and everyone processes things differently.” LollipopThrowAway-
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk for wanting to honor your loved one in the way THEY would prefer, or those closest to them would prefer. I’ve only had ashes from 2 funerals and both were very close relatives (my mother and my sister).
I had some made into memorial jewelry. It’s not weird to me, or at least it needn’t be. Perhaps a compromise can be reached where some ashes can be distributed to close people who want them, if the aunt is really wanting to do that.
For what it’s worth, funeral directors will usually go with the wishes of whoever is paying the bill so as long as it’s billed to your grandfather’s name, regardless of the aunt actually making the payment on his behalf, it will be what he wants they go with (speaking as someone who has unfortunately arranged several funerals).” chuckaway539
19. AITJ For Asking My Uber Driver To Speed Up On The Highway?
“My partner and I were on our way to a concert on Saturday evening. My partner got angry with me after the fact but I don’t think I did anything wrong.
We were going to a concert, and we were on the highway. There was very little traffic and our driver was going 40 mph.
We all know 40 on the highway is way below what other cars are doing. We were getting passed by everyone, including large semi-trucks.
I said, “we are on an expressway can’t you do any faster than 40?” He apologized and brought it up to around 50.
I then asked if there was a reason why he’s driving so slow because 50 is still low on a highway. I said that if there’s some important reason then it’s fine but I’m just wondering.
My partner yelled at me after but I said that he’s an Uber driver, what if we were late?
Or going to be late? We shouldn’t have to tolerate that as paying customers because he was going so darn slow on the highway? She didn’t respond.”
Another User Comments:
“If all is as you say, NTJ. At all. As a semi-truck driver (a woman, at that!), please tell your partner I said this: If I am driving on the freeway at the speed limit or with the flow of traffic, and I come up behind a vehicle traveling 40-50mph, it legitimately is just as though they are at a full stop.
Super dangerous! Especially since everyone on the roadway is obviously way more important than whatever the 80,000-pound truck is doing, and no one will let us move over a lane. It’s honestly insanely dangerous, and if he didn’t have a good reason for doing it, may even have been illegal (depends on the laws where you are).
Even if he had a good reason, the far right lane with emergency flashers on is the only acceptable way to travel this much slower than the speed of traffic.” My_Lovely_Me
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Driving so slowly, he was being dangerous. The expectation would be to go around the speed limit.
20-30 miles BELOW the speed limit on a freeway is dangerous. If the driver is that timid, maybe they shouldn’t be a professional driver.” crazycatleslie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, most highways I’ve been on have actually had a speed MINIMUM of 55 because driving 40 is going to cause an accident, since yeah, people are expecting you to be moving fast. If you aren’t comfortable driving you shouldn’t be an Uber.” Forsaken_Ad_1453
18. AITJ For Telling My Sister Her Husband Was Getting Fired?
“My sister’s husband works for my in-laws and has for years.
As far as I was aware, there were never any issues and he is good at his job.
I found out that he was going to be fired by overhearing a conversation between my husband and his brother. His brother was asking him if he had told me about my brother-in-law being fired and my husband told him that he wasn’t going to tell me and to not bring it up in front of me.
I confronted them and my husband admitted he was going to be fired but wouldn’t tell me why or when. They told me not to tell him or my sister as it could cause issues for them, specifically my husband, but I did.
My sister sent my husband some rude text messages which is how he found out I had told her.
Now he’s upset at me for telling her and betraying his trust.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It may have been dumb of your husband and BIL to have this conversation where you could potentially overhear, but that doesn’t change the fact it was a personnel matter that didn’t involve you.
There’s no reason anyone should be giving you regular updates on what kind of employee your sister’s husband is, so you shouldn’t have interfered with what could’ve been an entirely valid reason for firing him that needed to be handled with care and according to company procedure.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Do you think that your husband and BIL are bad bosses? That your husband would surprise your sister’s husband by firing him? Presumably, this is someone that your husband is going to have to be around for years at family events.
Your husband knows that and is undoubtedly treating him accordingly. Undoubtedly, sister’s husband has known there are issues. This did not involve you – and a great reminder to your husband of why not to hire anyone attached to you. You need to apologize to your husband and his brother.
(Regardless of how they treated sister’s husband.) This wasn’t your business and had nothing to do with you. And you’ve let him know that you’ll always put your birth family first – whether there is anyone to put first or not. So I guess extra congrats are in order.
Now, your husband has no interest in any holiday meal with your family, now that your sister threw a hissy fit at him via text. So you get to be personally responsible for spending every holiday for the rest of your marriage with your husband’s family.
Good job.” rak1882
Another User Comments:
“You know that scene from The Godfather where the wife gets the door shut in her face as she is blatantly excluded from the business? I think that’s probably going to be you from now on. You have stepped in it.
Big time. You’ve jeopardized your husband’s position, possibly on a legal level regarding HR and confidentiality, but at minimum, you’ve made it so he can’t be trusted at work. Your sister is now going to demand you pick sides and cause problems as she tries to turn you into a tug-of-war rope to get revenge on your husband.
You will never be included in business ever again, and have earned a reputation as a sneak and liar. You’ve possibly damaged your BIL as well. It’s possible he was going to be let go quietly, considering the family relationship. Which would have meant he would be eligible for unemployment and kept a good reference.
But if he or your sister starts attacking your husband and his family, that goodwill could be gone and he may wind up being fired for cause, which would mean no unemployment and it would be very difficult to get a new job. YTJ.” millac7
17. AITJ For Wanting To Be Paid For Drawing My Uncle's Grandkid?
“I started drawing a lot and sent the ones I was happy with to my parents.
They sent them to a group chat with every other family member (without telling me), as we’re the only ones who no longer live in their country.
My relatives took interest in my drawings and my uncle asked my father if I could draw his grandkid for him.
He, without telling me once again, agreed on my behalf. After which he texted me that I would be drawing for my uncle.
I had the time for it so I asked if this was a paid opportunity. My father then texted me and said “This is a matter we should talk about in person.” Without even hearing his voice I could tell he was mad.
A couple of days later when I was allowed to leave my room, I brought it up. I sat through my father spending at least half an hour telling me I shouldn’t be so greedy, it’s family, they’re not in a hurry to get it, I could just do it in my free time, I don’t need to make it perfect, etcetera.
I agreed to avoid more dumb arguing, but didn’t start as I was busy with school, personal things and because I was and still am upset. Today, in the car he spent the entire drive telling me about how I should’ve started already, just spend an hour instead of 10, along with the previous reasoning he had.
My mother and brother are agreeing with him and saying I’m being unreasonable and selfish.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO. How old are you? Whatever your age, your uncle should be asking you, not your dad. I had issues for a long time with my parents accepting invitations to family functions on my behalf without asking me first. They stopped after I refused to go.
That was in 1996. Parents maintain to this day that accepting an invitation on their then 25-year-old son’s behalf without asking me first wasn’t the slightest bit unreasonable in any way shape or form. When I was in my 30s, I made it clear that if people couldn’t be bothered to invite me personally, then I couldn’t be bothered to go.
My parents said that I’d never be invited to a family function again. I said ok. Surprisingly enough, people did start sending me personal invitations. Also, one of my cousins who hadn’t been seen in years suddenly started showing up. I can’t imagine why.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The families of artists can often feel extremely entitled to their talent and labor, and it’s a major problem for a lot of us. People just assume that you can whip out art to their specifications whenever they want. It’s disgusting, and it’s wrong.
Tell your dad that you 1. Never were actually asked by your uncle if you would do this and 2. That it is *on him* that he volunteered your time and labor without asking you. Let him know that you will not be doing the drawing and that he can let your uncle know that he way, way overstepped when he promised that you would do this instead of checking with you first. Art is work.
Artists don’t just magically poof art into existence. It’s work — the same way that plumbing, or insurance adjusting, or accounting, or cleaning, or anything else people get paid for, is work. Art is just, unfortunately, way undervalued in general society, and nobody will value your labor if you don’t insist on it being valued.” Eastern_Fox5735
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. People constantly asking me to draw very specific things is one of the main reasons I quit drawing. Especially since everyone expected perfection when I was still struggling to draw properly. After a while between constantly being asked by friends and family to do stuff out of my comfort zone and just being generally burnt out I just stopped drawing and got more into stationary and writing.
I keep the fact I write a secret because I’d rather not have a repeat especially since I’m self-conscious about my writing and it is kinda mostly not safe for work. I still draw occasionally but I’ve lost most of my skill and I stick to more abstract doodles similar to what Peterdraws makes and only really do it when I’m bored. OP if you don’t want to do this you don’t have to.
Eventually, they’ll forget about it but in the meantime just don’t bring it up just ignore all mention of it and just nod your head and say yes when needed.” MrMashed
16. AITJ For Still Being Upset At My Mom After She Ripped Up My Handmade Mother's Day Gift?
“A week ago for Mother’s Day, I (17F) drew my mom a picture as a present.
I’m not very good at drawing and don’t do it very often. But I figured my mom would appreciate a more personal gift. So I pulled out some copier paper and my colored pencils. I basically just drew a picture of me and Mom holding hands with a big heart above with a message saying “Happy Mother’s Day”.
I spent a few hours on it to make sure it was just right.
So come Sunday morning I show it to her and I’m super excited. But all she focuses on is that I drew some “stick figures”. She yells that she does so much for me and that I showed my appreciation by drawing a mediocre at best picture.
She then ripped up the picture and I just ran to my room and cried because I couldn’t take it anymore. That evening my dad said that I should forgive her because that’s the Christian thing to do. It’s almost a week later and I still have not been able to forgive her and I feel kinda bad about it.”
Another User Comments:
“Did your father actually say ‘that’s the Christian thing to do’? What is this logic? Your mother said you should be appreciative of what she has done for you when she is not appreciative of what you have done for her? I’m sorry, Jesus didn’t preach hypocrisy.
Your mom reminds me of the mom in ‘Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother’, except the mother in the book actually explained why she was not satisfied with the gifts, and had reason to.” RefillSunset
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You sound like a very lovely and thoughtful person.
It sounds like your mom has a lot of her own issues and she’s projecting them onto you. It’s ok for you to be upset, what she did was really hurtful. My mom has a lot of mental health issues and she was not nice to us growing up.
Eventually, I learned that I was not responsible for her thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. As an adult, I can now set boundaries with how I interact with her and how often. I surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself as much as possible.
I hope you can do this soon too. Sending hugs.” NachoBelleGrande27
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. For the record, my parents ALWAYS get artwork from me. Every year. it’s the one thing I can get them that I’m absolutely sure they won’t get from anyone else.
They buy the stuff they need for themselves. My walls are covered with art that my kids have gifted me. My youngest is 18 this year, and I have artwork from the time they first started drawing. You are right: a personalized gift like this is far better than anything you can get from the store.
The more “Christian” thing to do would have been your mother appreciating the time, effort, and thought you put into her gift, and not ripping it up and demanding more.” toxiclight
15. AITJ For Telling My Partner To Make Her Own Lunch If She Wants Something More Elaborate?
“I am in charge of making school and work lunches for my partner and my two sons, (6M) and (3M).
I don’t have a ton of time to make elaborate meals, so I usually make a sandwich with varying contents, a fruit, and a snack.
Occasionally I will do leftovers of last night’s dinner or switch the sandwich for a tortilla wrap but that’s about it.
My partner came to me a few days ago and told me that she loves that I make lunch for her but asked if I could switch things up a little.
I said sure, and instead of the usual I made her a chicken wrap, an apple, and a piece of cake that I bought from the store, and she smiled and said thanks but confessed to me while we were in bed that she meant something more elaborate.
I got kind of irritated and told her that if she wanted something more elaborate than she could make lunch herself, and she got upset at me and told me that I was overreacting.
Was I?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I did it for years, making lunch for my 3 kids, my wife, and myself.
Did it basically the same way, sandwiches, sometimes leftovers, sometimes wraps or rolls. At least it was appreciated by my wife, who was happy to have lunch and not have to worry about making sure the kids had lunch. Especially since she was not a rise-and-shine, greet-the-morning girl it worked well for us.
If she wanted a more elaborate lunch, she would just tell me not to make her anything and go get her food from somewhere near her office. She understood I wasn’t her chef but her partner and helpmate.” generationjonesing
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, according to you – she asked, you jumped to getting mad?
Some info on the conversation is needed. She’s not the jerk for politely asking for different lunches but we need to know what she actually wanted and how the conversation went. You’re not the jerk if she asked for something unreasonable A lot of these judgements are so insufferable, a reminder that that these situations happen in the real world with real people, who often care about each other!” moonjellies
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But if you’re looking for something to do together, I like meal prep breakfast burritos. You put whatever fillings (doesn’t have to be breakfast but that’s somewhere to start) you like and roll them up, then package them individually and freeze.
I’ve done Buffalo chicken, curry chicken, cheese steak, cheese and rice, chicken bacon ranch, spicy beef tacos, chicken speedie… the possibilities are endless. Make enough to last a few months and then she gets to choose between flavors to keep it fresh.” [deleted]
14. AITJ For Retorting My Sister's Insult About My Love For Makeup?
“I’m 17 yr old male. I’ve been always trying to look good. I really love fashion and I’ve always tried to learn how to do my makeup and I believe I’ve become a master at it. This however got me a lot of bullying in school for being girly and called derogatory terms.
Yesterday we were at a family reunion. And my family was joking about how I love makeup. When one of my cousins asked if I may be into men or something.
My sister jumped in saying I don’t like men. I’m just more of a woman.
I hated that. And asked my sister why. She said that makeup is made for women only. I then said that if that’s the case she’s definitely a failure as a woman. That’s why I do all of her and my mom’s makeup. My sister went blank and didn’t speak as everyone laughed at this.
My mom is now taking all of my video games and makeup collection until I apologize to my sister. She even blocked my phone from the internet (I have some mobile data) and I’m not sure if I said anything deserving of an apology.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your sister is a jerk because she’s so homophobic she somehow thought it was BETTER to just be insulting. You’re a jerk because you purposely insulted your sister in public (albeit justified). Your mom is a jerk because as the adult, she should have seen both sides and mediated apologies from both of you instead of just jumping on one side.
Just move on, unless you plan on unilaterally apologizing, ride out the punishment, and keep it moving.” Tical79
Another User Comments:
“INFO it’s hard to read tone from this post. From my pov, it might have been a misguided attempt at defending you, OR a pile-on, depending on how it was being said.
Sister is wrong about makeup being only for women but she might have meant it in a “he’s just one of the girls” way which of course isn’t cool for you to hear but if she meant it in a positive way you took that and turned it on her and might have hurt her a lot so you should talk it out with your sister just in case.
If it turns out she was just being mean you’ll have another opportunity to clap back.” mysticfishperson
Another User Comments:
“ESH, mildly. The kids will get into spats, and say things that are rude. Which both you and your sister did. Then the parents typically seize each child by the ear and coerce a sullen, half-meant apology out of them both.
In this case, recommend you talk to your mother and make the case that both you and sis were out of line, and see if you can negotiate a brokered peace. It doesn’t make sense to me that you get disciplined and sister not.” akaioi
13. AITJ For Sitting On My Husband's Lap At A Party To Prove A Point?
“Things were pretty tense between my husband and me for the last few months. We never told anyone but some of our families picked up on it. His cousin’s wife spread it around that we were having issues and so more or less everyone who we socialize with knows.
Some people have taken this as an opportunity to try to ice me out. I never really stood up for myself in the beginning but I’m tired of having to deal with this.
We were at a party and my husband was sitting with some friends.
I went to ask him something and his cousin’s wife made a comment about how they would ask me to join them but there wasn’t anywhere for me to sit. I was annoyed so I sat on my husband’s lap to make a point.
He only asked me if I was comfortable somewhat sarcastically but never said anything else about it. His cousin’s wife and her best friend on the other hand were acting like I was being super inappropriate and were implying I was forcing my company on them, which I kind of was since I knew they hadn’t really wanted me around.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You and your husband need to deal with whatever problems you have in private, without an audience of gossiping relatives. Your husband shouldn’t encourage his cousin’s rumors by acting that way in front of them. You shouldn’t put him in an awkward social position that clearly made him uncomfortable.
His cousins are also jerks for obvious reasons: they froze you out and spread rumors about your potential relationship issues with your husband to stir up drama.” One-Two3214
Another User Comments:
“It sounds as though you were invited to a party, and as a party guest, you should have the right to be anywhere at the party.
By sitting on your husband’s lap, you were sending a clear message to everyone that you had a right to be there, seat or not. You also could have chosen to stand. Or, your husband could have chosen to give his seat to you. By sitting on his lap, though, you showed solidarity with your husband and showed that you’re not going to easily back down from their gossip or judgment.
It’s no one else’s business when it comes to the issues you and your husband are experiencing. The cousin’s wife might be trying to make herself look better by bringing you down. If that’s the case, having a talk with her will probably be more effective than coy moves at a party.
It might not keep her from gossiping, but at least being direct with her will let her know that you’re not going to be pushed away easily. NTJ.” EverAlways121
Another User Comments:
“First, I’m sorry that you’re going through that. I imagine it would feel like you’re being excluded in that situation, and that it was hurtful that your husband didn’t go with it to make you feel included and comfortable in that situation.
Personally, it doesn’t sound like a jerk thing to me. I think it was justified given the situation you’re in. Just a few tidbits for what it’s worth, my significant other and I have been in seasons where we’ve struggled, and something that’s really helped us was the John Gottman book 7 Principles of Marriage or something like that.
We also used their principles of love maps, and that helped us to reconnect and go deeper. I also use the phrase “the story I was telling myself is…” and it allows me to be vulnerable and let my partner into my thought process. In this instance, I would have said something like “the story that was going through my mind when that happened was that I wasn’t welcomed or wanted, and that really hurt me because I felt excluded.”” ExcellentHope9821
12. AITJ For Getting Angry At My Roommate For Always Closing The Bathroom Door?
“I am one of four people in my apartment. Myself and two of the others generally get along. It’s not perfect, but no roommate situation will be, and I’m fairly happy overall.
The remaining roommate (we’ll call them Alex) is a bit of a different story. Throughout the few months that we’ve been living together, there have been a lot of issues related to Alex. Most are minor annoyances, some are more serious, but there is always something going on.
And it always seems to be because of Alex. I’ll also note that Alex is of a different culture than the rest of us, and also is from a different place than where we now live. We’ve tried to be understanding, but as with everything, sometimes there will be practices we disagree on.
About a week and a half ago, Alex started insisting on closing the bathroom door, even when no one is in the bathroom. Apparently, this is a cultural aspect for them, where it’s considered impolite to keep the bathroom door open. I do want to note that this wasn’t an issue until months into living together?
That doesn’t make it less legitimate, but it stood out as odd to all of us that this wasn’t brought up sooner.
All three of us have disagreed with closing the door. It’s not about any particular cultural stance. We have issues with that door and handle sticking, so if it’s closed, it’s hard to tell if someone’s in there or not.
We don’t want to keep it closed without others being in there to avoid this confusion. We have offered to leave it mostly closed, so it’s still mostly hidden but you can see there’s no one in there.
This came to a head earlier today.
Alex had closed the door after leaving the bathroom. Sometime later, I really needed to take a dump. I see that the door is closed so knock to see if anyone is in there. There’s no response so I try to open the door, but because the door and handle really like to stick, it doesn’t open so I assume that someone is actually in there.
I end up waiting in the living room for the person to leave, all the while really needing to go and not having another place to do so. I eventually realize no one is actually in there when I see Alex and the other two roommates at the same time.
I run in there to release what I’d been holding, but once I got out I let Alex have it. My roommates were supportive of me, as this is a recurring issue for all of us and we want to leave it open.
Now, I probably went further than was reasonable and I take credit for that.
I got mad about having to hold that dump in and wanted to let it out, but could’ve handled the response more maturely. However, I still think that it was ultimately reasonable for me to take issue with this. We offered an option that would keep the area closed to sight while still making it easy to get into, and Alex didn’t take that.
It’s not like we’re insisting on keeping it gaping open against their traditions. AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but unfortunately you can’t force your housemate to do something different here. If he continues to refuse, you may need to get creative to keep your lives sane.
I lived in a “suite” of people who shared a bathroom and we had to get creative to make our shared bathroom work, as it was connected to two rooms, and closing and reopening both doors every time we used the bathroom was a hassle.
We got very good at knocking and being loud with our responses. Our bathroom also had a bright light and a loud fan that came on alongside it, so it was easy to tell if the light/fan was on (which usually meant someone was in there).
Does your bathroom have a fan? Can you enforce the rule “fan on means in use”? Can you make the lighting brighter, so it shines under the door? Can you all aggressively start using door locks, so it’s always safe to check? Or be prepared to be communicative about whether you’re using it or not?
You could get a vacant/occupied sign. Everyone would have to get in the habit of using it, but it could work. All of these solutions unfortunately involve buy-in and good communication from all housemates: something that seems like a challenge in your situation! But it might be better to work with your housemate rather than fight, and maybe you can find a compromise that works for everyone.” lphemphill
Another User Comments:
“INFO— what do you mean you “probably went further than was reasonable”? It sounds like you’re very much glossing over what you said blowing up at this guy. No, he does not deserve to be berated just because you upon hearing absolutely NO RESPONSE after a knock and what sounds like a vigorous door jiggle, somehow decided the bathroom was occupied. On the underlying issue—have any of you considered that your bathroom habits are smellier than you realize and he finally had enough?
Regardless, he tried to live your way and realized it was not working for him, and he managed to communicate that to you without blowing up. So honestly it’s looking like YTJ here. Why is no one asking the landlord to get the door fixed?” FiftyShadesOfGregg
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not wanting the poop room door to be open to the rest of the apartment is a reasonable stance. Lodge a request with your landlord to get the handle fixed. And next time you knock, if there’s no answer, loudly say you’ve heard no response and are entering the room.
Then enter the room. “I got mad about having to hold in that dump.” It’s not Alex’s fault you decided there was someone in the bathroom despite having knocked and gotten no response. That’s entirely on you. “I do want to note that this wasn’t an issue until months into living together?” Or it took him that long to be comfortable raising it.
Or he thought he could live with it as he’d been outvoted, but in practice disliked the smell. You’re allowed to change your mind about how you all live together after experiencing it for some time. What you shouldn’t be doing is screaming at someone because you decided to hold in a dump based on zero evidence that the bathroom was occupied.” embopbopbopdoowop
11. AITJ For Excluding A Non-Contributing Group Member From Our University Project?
“I (21M) am a senior in university.
For one of our courses, we had a group exam, and it was that thing where you choose your own group. We needed to be a group of 5, but we were only 3, so this one girl asked if she could be in our group. She had a reputation for not being actively involved, but since we needed to be a group of 5, I reluctantly agreed.
Throughout the course, we had group projects, to which she contributed absolutely nothing. In fact, during those group projects, she would ask us if she was a part of our group but still contribute little to nothing. I still added her name to our group, but I became increasingly frustrated as time went on.
Then, our midterms came along, and it was a group exam where we had to be onsite to take it. To nobody’s surprise, she informed me through our class representative that she wouldn’t be going to class. In the middle of the exam, she had the nerve to ask me if she was a part of our group as if we did not include her the first, second, third, and fourth time.
At that point, I just gave up and excluded her totally. I did not reply to her message because we wanted to focus on the exam (it was time-sensitive). Then, afterward, our class representative talked to me, and she sent me a screenshot of this girl asking her why I was not replying.
To this day, I still do not reply to her messages and now she is pretty upset at me. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Well, you could probably have handled it better – maybe given her a warning after the first time and eliminated her from the group after the second.
Possibly you could have taken the problem to your instructor for advice. Either approach would have eased the feeling you have that you are being spiteful. But NTJ – I hate group projects because they so often have a slacker in the group, and it can be hard to deal with them.” SavingsRhubarb8746
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You missed the point of having group projects: You learn to handle people like Little Miss Slacker. When she failed to do anything on the first project, the group should have called her on it. You could have communicated expected deliverables to team members.
Set mandatory meeting times for group work. When she fails to deliver/show up, go to the professor and explain why she needs a new group, or ask for advice on getting her to engage. Mentorship. Or, if the group project deliverables are certain percentages of your grade, give her ownership of the lowest percentage task.
Let her fail spectacularly and publicly. If you get high enough scores on the other sections, you’ll still pass. I’ve done the latter before. The professor understood immediately why.” LK_Feral
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Group projects are always a pain in university especially if you end up with someone like that.
For one module in my course 95% of the marks were for a semester-long group project. We were in groups of 6. 5 of us did all the work with the 6th member doing a small amount that we had to redo. We all had to indicate which parts of the project we worked on.
That was for a viva or spoken exam where the lecturer asked a series of questions about the work you’d done and the topic as a whole. You had to pass both parts to pass the module. Guess who couldn’t explain the work they’d supposedly done or any of the module’s content?
Our 6th member. The rest of us passed and they failed.” TJ_Figment
10. AITJ For Confronting My Uncle About His Disrespectful Jokes At A Family Party?
“Over the weekend I attended my cousin’s sweet 16 along with my family. During the party, I went to the bar to get a drink and was eating tacos while drinking, and over the DJ mic is my uncle saying “OP has another drink” and “how’s that drink”.
I laughed it off as I deemed it as an innocent joke.
Later that night I got up to use the restroom and in front of the trail to the restroom were my uncle and like 5 other men. My uncle started telling me “oh no don’t fall” and things like “walk straight” and “can you walk” while laughing with these other men.
Now keep in mind I was walking perfectly fine. So I tell him “why do you keep making those jokes, do you have something to say? Because if you do you can say it to me in front of my dad.”
So I went up to my dad and explained his brother (my uncle) kept messing with me.
That’s when my cousin (my uncle’s son) pulled me aside and told me I need to respect my elders. This is where I get really mad. I told him I meet respect with respect and I don’t care how old he is to which he responds with “you know how my dad is” to which I said “that doesn’t make it okay.” At this point, I’m crying because my 30-something-year-old cousin who I had a good relationship with is yelling at me.
Then my uncle’s other son got involved and both my cousins were yelling at my dad saying things that had nothing to do with the situation like “my dad (my uncle) has always helped all of his brothers, he’s such a good person and no one sees that” to which I responded with “shut up” and this literally made them very angry lol.
My dad’s friend took me outside and said he didn’t know what they were going to do so it was safer for me to get away from the situation. My dad ended up telling my uncle he shouldn’t have tried messing with me in the first place before we left. AITJ?
CONTEXT
-I’m 20 yrs old
-I did not want to argue with my uncle as at the time I felt that was disrespectful on my end therefore I asked my dad if he could tell him to leave me alone.
-Him trying to make me seem inebriated in front of those men while I was on my way to the bathroom really left a bad taste in my mouth and I think it’s what triggered me to ask him what the issue was.”
Another User Comments:
“Since OP said in a comment that the uncle does this kind of thing to OP regularly, this kind of sounds like reactive abuse. It’s a tactic commonly employed by narcissists. The aim is to provoke someone with a series of individually small things (comments, questions, actions, etc.) to get an emotional response and then to turn it around and make it look like the person they were provoking is overreacting.
My dad did this to me, and it really messes with your head if no one is there to back you up. OP, you are NTJ. But your uncle is a majorly toxic jerk. Since you probably can’t avoid him entirely unless your whole family cuts him off, I’d suggest learning about a technique called grey rock for managing your interactions with him.” SparklePants-5000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like your uncle was repeatedly crossing a line with his jokes, and you were totally right to stand up for yourself. One thing is when one makes a playful comment, but when this starts to be a pattern and feels disrespectful, most especially when you’re doing nothing wrong, it does get under your skin.
Your uncle just singled you out, as though you were some sort of bad child in front of everybody. That’s just not right.” twilightmia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I have to ask, was he saying anything about anyone else? It just seems cruel to target one person and mock them over the mic and to everyone.
It was unnecessary to do so and it just seems cruel rather than funny. Also, the whole “respect your elders” thing is just another way of saying “shut up and don’t question them” rather than respect. It is nonsense to deal with in cultures (I have dealt with similar nonsense) that preach this.
Respect is a two-way street. What they are talking about isn’t respect but rather blind obedience.” Syric13
9. AITJ For Not Giving Enough Attention To My Brother's Partner During Her Visit?
“Recently my brother (25m) brought his partner home to meet the family. She stayed for 2 days. For some context, my brother told us beforehand that she was stressed about meeting us since she comes from a small family.
My family consists of me (19f), my sister (21), my brother (her partner), my other brothers (27 and 29), my sister-in-law (28), my nephew (2 months), and my two parents. Since we knew she was a bit scared, we decided to try and not overwhelm her by asking too many questions.
They both arrived Friday evening at 22h30. Since I was up, I greeted them with my parents before going to sleep, unlike my sister who was in her bed.
The morning after, my brother (29), his wife, her sister, and their kid arrived. In total we were 10.
We spent the Saturday spending time all together, playing board games… In the evening we had an aperitif where we officially welcomed her with a cheer.
On Sunday my brother sent a long text to our sister without even talking to her directly to reprimand her because she “didn’t greet his partner properly” even though she did but on Saturday morning.
That made her cry a lot because she didn’t understand what she did wrong.
After that, we spent the whole day discussing and catching up.
She left after dinner, my brother drove her back to the train station before coming back home.
Here comes the real issue.
Apparently, we didn’t give her enough attention throughout the weekend, she felt unwelcomed and complained to my brother in the car. On Monday, (I had already left) my brother and my mother had an argument about the whole story and my mom is scared that my brother is getting manipulated by his partner because he would never have done that before.
Personally, I don’t appreciate his partner. She didn’t help in cooking, putting the table together, and she didn’t even directly interact with any of us, we were the ones talking to her. I was ready to look over it because she makes my brother happy but after hearing that she complained, I’m not so sure.
AITJ ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your brother set up the whole family with how stressed she was beforehand. So, tell him that was on him, he set the stage, and you were merely players in his little show for his partner. You tried to comport with his wishes and if you all came off as aloof that would be on him.
And also, he flubbed up obviously by not also informing her that she was expected to help out. So, I wouldn’t blame the partner here either. It is really all on your brother, he screwed this all up. Tell him that and maybe everyone can have a do-over and get it right this time.” PumpkinPowerful3292
Another User Comments:
“Your brother chose to arrive at the time he did. Your brother knows (or should, at least, have a high level of knowledge) of your sister‘s habits. For early birds (and also people who have just been working hard) 2230 is incredibly late and to send a diatribe that your sister wasn’t up to greet her, akin to having the servants arrayed in front of the estate when the lady of the manor returns, is utterly and completely ridiculous.
Your brother chose the method of meeting the family. If she was really that anxious he should have done it by degrees – sibling here, parents there, and only then thrown her into the middle. She shouldn’t have to be informed that she should help out.
Anyone who has any manners offers to help. You stand up and help clear the table. Small things. Partners who actually want to build a relationship with their SO’s family will start conversations, be pleasant, be helpful. Her behavior, combined with the expectation that you’d all be standing to attention when she arrived is distasteful.
I get the impression that she believes she is better than your family as a whole and doesn’t need to try. I suspect this is fueled by your brother’s sycophancy and will result in less and less contact between him and the rest of you.
NTJ.” East_Parking8340
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t know that anybody is in the wrong. It may be that even though she was nervous and shy, your brother may have set her expectations to be ready for your family to be a little more interested and invasive, and where you were all trying to make her comfortable by not asking a bunch of questions it wasn’t what was expected. It’s possible that it’s all just a misunderstanding.
Your brother could just be upset that she misunderstood your family’s intentions because he really likes this woman. Love can very often skew the way a person sees things (sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse). I think that open communication and explaining to him that everyone was trying to not overwhelm her and make her feel comfortable is why they weren’t being overly inquisitive.
Your family changed their normal behavior out of love and respect for your brother and his partner. They didn’t do anything wrong. Her interpretation of the situation was that nobody was interested in her. I think that if it’s explained to her and your brother, they may be able to understand and that everybody can get a second chance at a first impression.” Internal-Honeydew-42
8. AITJ For Not Wanting My Birth Mother Or Brother To Live With Us?
“As a child, I was taken by the state because of my birth mother’s substance abuse.
She is actively still an addict. I was eventually adopted. Now I am an adult. She has little to no relationship with us or my children because of her inability to drive to us and spend time with us. She only ever talks to me if I go out of my way to call her.
She doesn’t call me, call my kids, she sends me texts for my birthday rather than calls, for example. I’ve always struggled to make boundaries with her but even though she’s still struggling, I always fail myself with keeping that boundary and end up reaching out to see how she is because I love her.
I have a brother who is now 18 who I also have little to no relationship with from her side and is also autistic.
I reached out to her recently and a new thing that’s come up in her life is she may possibly be evicted. She mentioned that she would just come live with me if she had to.
I froze on the phone and mentioned that I was not comfortable with this. I have young kids I have to protect, protect our home space, and our home is not very big as is. She later brought up if something happened to her, that my brother could just come to stay with us.
I mentioned again, I do not even really have a relationship with him, what about his dad (who is not mine), his grandma, etc? He has options that are close to him and we are over an hour from them currently anyway and again have had a lack of relationship for years.
He struggles to communicate, can not work, etc. His specific issues that I do not feel equipped to handle. I mentioned he would be more comfortable around family that he’s known and seen for years but that again I didn’t think that would be something I would be comfortable with while raising our family.
I feel guilty because I am so adamant against having them stay with us in any kind of situation. But she has done absolutely nothing for me, has been there little to not at all during my life. Has significant issues in her life. And I just don’t want to put that in my children’s lives at all.
AITJ for saying no and feeling this way?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Gently, you need to stop “mentioning” things and start using declarative sentences. You are playing defense now when you’ve done nothing wrong. You can love people without being sucked into their poor life choices.
Time to flip the script. If you choose to reach out again, sidestep all hot-button issues. It may mean that you have bland conversations, but it will prevent you from feeling guilty over things that are entirely within her control. Talk about the weather, or your kids; avoid asking “what’s new?” because that will inevitably lead to her engaging in a litany of complaints.
If she wants to be part of your life, then you need to control the conversation.” CandylandCanada
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There is no way in any universe that you could be considered a jerk for keeping either of those two people away from your children.
The only way that you could be considered a jerk is towards yourself, for repeatedly reaching out to your egg donor even when you know that she’s just going to kick you in the face. Do yourself and your kids and spouse a favor and get some help.
I guarantee that your emotional need for affection from your egg donor is causing pain for them indirectly. Working with a therapist can help you unpack why you keep doing it and give you some tools to break out of the harmful patterns of behavior.” plsuh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to get into therapy as soon as possible so you can learn to be a better communicator, set/enforce firm boundaries, and cope with your childhood issues. You need to set boundaries now and go low-contact to no contact with your mother.
Addicts will use whatever they need to get what they want. If she somehow managed to build a relationship with your kids, she would use that against you. Despite all of this, your biggest concern should be that if your mother gets tangled in your life, it jeopardizes your custody of your children.
I’m sure you don’t want to risk your children having the same childhood you did. Take action now. Your only responsibility is to yourself and your family.” Oswynne
7. AITJ For Being Upset With My Brother For Outing Me At Dinner?
“My brother lives in the next town over not too far but far enough it’s fun when he comes over. Anyway, he was the first person I came out to and it’s been years since I told him.
I also haven’t told my parents. I guess I need to say that my parents are not homophobic, in fact, they are very supportive. I was not scared of them knowing more like I didn’t want to make a big deal of something they probably already knew.
He came over for dinner and we are a very talkative family at dinner time. We were joking and somehow he managed to say, “It’s like having a gay daughter right mom?”
Me: “That’s rude,” I say trying to change the subject.
Brother: “But am I wrong?”
Me: “Oh have you seen the new Wynonna Earp movie.” I’m desperately trying to change the subject.
Brother: “Notice how she’s not correcting me.”
Finally, somehow we got off the topic and no one mentioned it after that. Now I know some people have it worse and would have gotten kicked out if there was even an inkling of gay feelings, but it still hurts to know he didn’t even care about my feelings and kept digging when I was clearly trying to move on.
So, WIBTJ if I didn’t talk to him the next time he came over, or am I blowing it out of proportion because nothing happened?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO so… no one talked about it afterwards, including your family. You are not sure if your parents got what he was implying?
If your brother has known for years, your parents might already know (before this incident) and very likely they will be supportive: What is stopping you from coming out to your parents? What are you waiting for and did you have discussions or arguments with your brother to keep this a secret from them?
If it isn’t a problem for anyone in your family, does your brother think you should just come out? No, you are NTJ for being upset about him trying to take this away from you (if that was his intention and it was malicious), but there are things you are leaving out.” Karin1984
Another User Comments:
“Your brother was the jerk for bludgeoning the conversation the way that he did. But that said, talk to him about why his comments affected you. It’s possible your family all knew you were gay, and that was his clumsy attempt to get you to open up.
You have a resource in your brother. He’s dumb, don’t get it twisted, but I’d suggest communication is the better approach here.” 92Tabularasa
Another User Comments:
“Well, I think that your brother was in the wrong based on the principle that you don’t out someone else; even if you think everyone will be cool with it, it’s still not OK.
However, I have to conclude that YWBTJ if you don’t talk to him next time he comes over, because “I’m mad at you so I’m just not going to talk to you” is for little kids. I mean, to be fair, you didn’t mention your age and you apparently live with your parents, so you might be pretty young.
But if you are old enough to have told someone you were gay years ago, you are old enough to have a conversation with your brother about what he did.” CoverCharacter8179
6. AITJ For Not Wanting My Fiance's Friend Around After She Ruined My Night?
“I (M26) and my fiance (F25) moved into our apartment last year and she met this person, Clara (F29), at her new job who happened to live in our same complex. I was happy because my fiance doesn’t make friends easily and I was happy she had someone close.
(As I travel for work semi often and it’s nice to have someone local in case of emergency and our family lives about an hour away from us.) I immediately welcomed her and since I have a lot of friends in the area we throw parties semi often and would always invite her.
There have been a couple of situations where Clara would make me and all my friends very uncomfortable at any party we would throw, to the point one of my friends asked me to let him know if she was coming, because he, and some of our other friends, would rather not show up.
Fast forward to this past July, I was playing a show at a bar about 25 min from our apartment and dropped them off at a different bar beforehand. I told them they didn’t have to come because my fiance hears all the songs we play constantly at home, but if they did I offered to drive them home after because I wasn’t going to drink that night anyway.
So halfway through the show they take an Uber and come watch the rest of the show and all is fine and dandy. But then, one of my oldest friends showed up who I hadn’t seen in over 6 months so after the show I decided I wanted to stay and hang out with him.
After about 20 min I was getting texts from my fiance saying, “Clara really wants to go home” so I said “I hadn’t seen this friend in a while, he never shows up for anything I wanna hang for an hour at least, if she wants to leave now she can take an uber”, and she said “Well its $50 and you said you’d drive her.” So I told her “I will but I would like some time to hang out with my friend and catch up”.
Back and forth like this for 10 min I finally caved and left.
On our way home my fiance was trying to explain to me about the situation and I just kept saying “Beggars can’t be choosers, I wanted to stay I’m sorry it didn’t fit your schedule.” Her friend got mad at me for this and started arguing with me about it.
Granted I wasn’t the nicest as the argument progressed because I apologized but then immediately said “But I am barely sorry because I still left earlier than I wanted for you.” Ever since that night I told my fiance, “You can keep hanging out with her I would never tell you who you can and can’t hang out with, but I do not want her around when I am around” and she said that’s fair.
All in all, I feel like a jerk because this is one of my fiance’s only friends in the area that’s just her friend, not through me, and while she has gotten closer to my girl friends than I am at this point I still feel bad.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve been supportive of your fiancée’s friendship with Clara, even welcoming her into your social circle. You made an effort to be accommodating, but Clara’s behavior has crossed boundaries multiple times, making you and your friends uncomfortable.
It’s fair to set a limit, especially since you’re not telling your fiancée who she can or can’t hang out with, you’re just choosing not to be around Clara due to the past issues. You’re giving your fiancée space to have her friend but also protecting your own comfort, which is reasonable.
It’s okay to prioritize what makes you feel comfortable in your own home” Feisty-Cancel-9859
Another User Comments:
“Everybody sucks here. You gave a lot of irrelevant info. The issue at hand is your fiance and her friend wanted to leave a show earlier than you did and refused to take an Uber/Lyft/taxi.
You told them if they showed up that you would drive them home. None of you considered that people want to leave at different times, and offering rides means either someone leaves earlier than desired or someone leaves later. Next time tell them a time you won’t leave before.
You also could have invited people back to your place. You could have also used the 10 min of arguing to catch up. But you can also make an appointment with that friend to catch up on their terms. No one is innocent here and your fiance wanted to leave with her friend, so this isn’t about the friend but your fiance and her friend. Everybody sucks here for sure.” Ok-Classroom5548
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You were their ride. You changed the plan, so you could have at least offered to pay for half the Uber. But the real reason I say you’re the jerk is that it’s petty to say she can’t come around you anymore because of this incident.
Your fiancee was on her side, but you’re only blaming the friend. If you really want to support your fiancee having friends, you should let this go. If something else happens, you can reconsider. You indicated that there have been issues with your friends and Clara in the past, but you didn’t give any specifics, so I can’t really judge if those are valid or not.
I might change to everybody sucks here with more information.” SoMuchMoreEagle
5. AITJ For Not Wanting My Fiance To Comment On My Behavior?
“I’m 27 and my fiancé is 29. We have been together for four years and I’m convinced that we are meant to be together. Everything in our relationship is amazing, but we do have one point of contention: he says I talk too much in social settings with deep conversation.
Granted, I do have ADHD and can become passionate when talking about things I care about, BUT no one else has brought it up to me, and cutting people off seems like a conversational norm… (correct me if I’m wrong)
Tonight, we were talking to our friend about spirituality, politics, therapy, etc..
(I’m also a psychology major) and the convo (for me at least) was flowing… until I interrupted our friend by saying something. Mind you, it was a heated conversation. My fiancé interrupted me and told me to listen to what our friend was saying.
Oof, he has done this a lot. Since the beginning of our relationship he has cut me off in group settings, and in front of everyone to tell me to stop talking.
It’s embarrassing, and I have been trying to work on it. But I just don’t like him belittling me in front of everyone.
After the convo, when we were going to bed, my fiancé said “you didn’t interrupt that much during the conversation and that was really great.”
I can’t help but feel examined and put under a microscope by him. It feels like if I say something that doesn’t agree with his line of thinking then I am interrupting or unreasonable.
I told him that what he thought was great, but I would prefer if he did not 1. Comment on my behavior after a positive in-depth discussion and 2. Call me out in the middle of a conversation in front of everybody.
He told me I was being defensive and unreasonable, but whether his comments about me talking too much are positive or negative, it is embarrassing and makes me not want to talk ever.
It is extremely embarrassing when he calls me out in a group of people (people have told me it was uncalled for).
AITJ for setting these boundaries?”
Another User Comments:
“Eh, ESH. You’re pretty rude for interrupting people in conversation. My husband does this, especially in arguments, and I have to constantly tell him “I wasn’t done speaking.” Or I actively reengage the people he talks over, like “Melinda, what were you saying?” As soon as he’s done.
He gets sensitive about it too, but that’s just a shameful response on his part. If you’re feeling bad for being called out on it, you should try to be more considerate and mindful of others. Your partner is being way too heavy-handed though. I can definitely see his comments coming off as condescending and belittling.
I’d say 1. You need to welcome the public reminder that you’re behaving rudely. It’s the only way you’ll learn. 2. He needs to find a less demeaning way to show his appreciation for your improvement. Like “Hey, I just want to acknowledge that I see you being more mindful, and I appreciate it.” Rather than saying “Good girl, here’s a treat.”” jacano5
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I was borderline but I read again. My impression is you don’t listen to hear people. You listen to respond. That’s not a peaceful conversation. I have never known interrupting people to be a conversational norm. In most cases that’s rude as heck, especially if it’s repetitive and the other party can’t finish their points or thoughts.
I also have a gift where I can stare you dead in the face and not listen to a word you are saying. So if I get repeatedly cut off, I check out. But I don’t know if I tolerate constantly being interrupted. I may go with ESH if your fiancé tears you apart in front of people for interrupting.
If he is simply asking you to hear what they are saying, he is trying to be respectful and maybe even mediate. Because again interrupting people all the time is not a conversational norm and shows the person you are speaking that you disregard their opinion and thoughts.
You mentioned he belittles you but also stated he said you should listen to what they are saying. Maybe he is trying to pay you a compliment because interrupting is not ideal and you shouldn’t do it unless someone is being a bigoted or racist jerk and deserves it or some other exigent reason.
Not simply because you get hyped up and can’t hold your words in. Wait your turn. Probably talking to him about how what he does in a public setting, in a normal conversation where you speak and then he speaks and you listen to each other while the other ones speak would probably be helpful.” MattFoley00
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – conversation for you is “flowing.” But you’re obviously still cutting people off or he wouldn’t keep saying it. It’s super rude even if people aren’t saying it to your face. It’s exhausting. You say you’re working on it but that he does it a lot.
If he is telling you to stop talking over people a lot, that indicates that you keep doing it a lot. It sounds like he’s trying to be encouraging by telling you when you don’t interrupt that much. I was married to a man who never stfu and never listened to me.
He also used to say that everyone cuts each other off. It’s not true. Definitely not true in the way he meant it, which was just absolutely bulldozing everyone else constantly. We are divorced. I’m seeing a man who has ADHD but is really good about controlling it and listening.
Every once in a while I have to tell him I wanted to finish what I was saying or ask him if he’s listening because I know his brain is going 8k miles an hour. But for the most part, he’s really really good about it.
Just for reference. I also had a previous partner with ADHD. He was terrible when we were together but is really good about it now. All this is to say – I’ve had my fair share of experience with people who do that.” [deleted]
4. AITJ For Being Upset About My Husband's Hurtful Comments On My Appearance?
“My husband has a habit of making comments about my appearance that feel hurtful. It started with little things, like touching my forehead and pretending to measure it, saying I have the biggest forehead he’s ever seen. I’ve seen him make fun of other people for this before, calling a girl “the ugliest of them all” because of her forehead, so it really stings when he says that to me.
There have been other comments, too. When I had a pimple, he looked at me disgustedly and asked when it was finally going away because “I’ve had it for a long time.” Another time, as I walked away, he made a comment about how flat my butt was.
Yesterday was the last straw for me: I was telling him about some issues I’ve been having with my period, spotting outside my normal cycle, and he picked up my feet and, once we finished talking, said they looked like “hooves.” When I got upset, he brushed it off, saying I was only mad because I was on my period.
I’ve told him repeatedly that these comments make me feel insecure and hurt, and I’ve asked him to stop. But he keeps doing it. AITJ for being angry about this, or am I overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like he’s become one of those men who thinks that if he puts you down enough, you’ll become so insecure about your looks, that you’ll think you can’t do any better than him.
It’s a ploy to ensure you won’t leave him. It’s time for a straight talk that you won’t tolerate his behavior any longer. If he still won’t stop, it’s time to start giving him a taste of his own medicine and see how he likes his appearance being torn apart at every opportunity.
If that doesn’t work, you have to decide if you want to be with a man who enjoys making you feel bad about yourself.” Financial_Bear_5071
Another User Comments:
“Hmmm, well we can’t judge a feeling. But I’d say you are definitely NTJ if you firmly tell your husband he needs to stop, get counseling, or you’re out.
Your husband showed you who he is when he made fun of other people and called a girl the “ugliest.” He probably treated you a bit differently for a while because he wanted to convince you to marry him. But the “real” him is a person who’s comfortable being cruel, and that was bound to surface eventually.
Is this how you want to be treated for the rest of your life?” HowlPen
Another User Comments:
“Of course NTJ, your husband is bullying (aka actively verbally abusing) you and masking it as a joke. He is trying to belittle you and your self-confidence to keep the upper hand in the relationship and it is absolutely disgusting and toxic.
Seriously it sucks but you need to plan your escape plan yesterday because the longer this goes on the harder it will be for you to recover emotionally, financially, and spiritually from a relationship like this. Ask yourself if you really see yourself happy with someone who criticizes you like this as you get older in your marriage?
People’s physical appearance naturally declines as they age and you want a life partner who loves you unconditionally with the emotional maturity to see past your body naturally changing as time goes on, if he really loved you he’d see you as the most beautiful person to him regardless, please get away from this guy” According_Pizza8484
3. AITJ For Telling My Infertile Friend About My Pregnancy?
“I (33f) have been in a very close friendship with N (31f) for about 8 years. We have been through a lot of things together and for the last year and a half, I’ve been on her side for her infertility journey. She has been through 2 inseminations and 2 rounds of IVF, all to no avail.
She has PCOS and she doesn’t ovulate naturally. We started with our partners at around the same time, and in the past, I told her that I would start trying for a baby at the end of last summer. I asked her if I got pregnant, if she wanted to know, and she said that I could tell her.
A couple of months ago her 2nd round of IVF failed and she was obviously devastated. She told me that she didn’t want to talk about pregnancies when we met, and we didn’t. At that time I knew I was pregnant, but didn’t say.
Two weeks later she called me and told me doctors had found a possible cause of why IVF wasn’t working, and she was under an infection treatment and would try again in a month. I was very excited for her. And we set a date to meet in around 10 days.
As she was the one to start talking about the topic again, I decided I would tell her I am pregnant, cause I was already 10 weeks and was going to announce it soon publicly and I’d rather she knew by me. So when we met, we talked about her a little, and then I told her.
Her reaction was cold and she just said: “oh, congratulations, then”. And then she said: “that was fast, huh?” I was kinda taken aback but gave her grace because of her situation, I just had expected her to be happy for me, but it was okay, so I gave her time and space and didn’t talk for a month.
A month later, I asked about an exam she had at work, and she answered with a 4-minute long audio telling me she was offended that I had told her about my pregnancy when she specifically asked not to talk about that topic. And that she didn’t want to hear from me or see me again for a while.
I was really taken aback and told her she was the first one to talk about the topic again and thought she was optimistic with the new discoveries and treatment so she would be happy for me, and I was hurt about her deciding when or how we can be friends.
This was a month ago and we haven’t spoken since then, I think about her sometimes and worry about her, but on the other hand, I am hurt that she doesn’t want to be my side or my baby’s and if she does come back, I don’t know if that’d be a healthy friendship.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s tough. I’m very sympathetic to her pain and the stuff she’s going through. But she was going to find out eventually. She was probably never going to be emotionally ready for you to tell her directly. But the alternative was for her to find out via social media as you say in your post, or for you just turn up to a hang-out one day visibly pregnant.
There was no nice way for her to find out and you tried to do it in the least painful way possible. She has to work through those feelings and appreciate that you tried your best here. It is what it is, you know? It’s not her fault that she cannot get pregnant naturally, obviously.
But she can’t spend the rest of her life resenting people who do get pregnant. Or at least if she does privately resent it, and this is something she can never get over, she has to find ways to manage that feeling and not to express it publicly.” crazyheather345
Another User Comments:
“This is a really challenging situation. My best friend and I went through the same thing and after she insisted I tell her if I fell pregnant and that she’d be deeply wounded if I didn’t- I shared with her.
She reacted poorly, made it about herself, and let me know that it led to a panic attack and a sob session in a public store. I felt horrible and confused. I hadn’t wanted to hurt her or even share with her but she had made such a point to tell me how hurt and offended she’d be if I didn’t, that I honored her wishes.
I had experienced multiple miscarriages before I became pregnant and the day we told our friends and family was a sad occasion after her reaction. I told her I understood but that I needed some time and space for a while. We tried to reconnect multiple times but she couldn’t respect my wish to leave our experiences separate and individual. Fast forward two years and she has a little one of her own.
We’ve been able to reconnect and hold space for one another and the ways we both did and didn’t handle things well and our friendship is stronger than ever. It took some time and processing and forgiveness. I hope you can have the same OP but regardless of the outcome how she reacted and treated you is NOT okay.
Continue to take space and take care of yourself. NTJ.” Dense-Passion-2729
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s hard to struggle with your fertility, but that is no reason to treat the people around you like trash. Your pregnancy does not make her struggle more or less valid.
If she is truly so selfish that she can only perceive what happens around her through the lens of how it affects her, you have not lost anything. One of my closest friends is struggling with infertility. When her cousin got pregnant, she was overjoyed for her and insulted at the idea that she would be anything else.
That is how decent people react. If they truly love you, they can be happy for you, even if they’re privately mournful that they’re not in the same place. If she does reach out, it needs to be with an apology and an action plan for how she’s going to do better about her behavior in the future.
Without that, there’s no friendship to salvage. She reopened the topic, not you. And frankly, if she can’t celebrate your joy, why do you even want her around your baby? Some friendships are meant to be lifelong, and some are meant to fade after a certain time.
It’s OK to let this one go and move forward in your life.” Cursd818
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Connect With My Absent Father's Other Family?
“My father walked out on my mom when she was pregnant with me (16m). They were married for like 5 years at that point but he was being unfaithful a lot.
Mom trying to end the marriage went through a tough time because they’d picked up and moved. He never met me. He didn’t show up at court for their divorce, or for custody, or for child support. He went to jail three times for failure to pay child support and for trying to avoid child support by quitting his job and not declaring his new place of employment.
I still haven’t even met him. But around a year ago he moved back with his family (the other woman and their kids). He has a daughter 5 months younger than me a son about a year and a half younger and some other kids who are younger again but I don’t know their ages.
I only know the older two ages because of school and sharing some classes with his daughter.
She has tried to connect with me but I told her I wasn’t interested, we’re not family, and I don’t want to know the other family. Even though she was upset and cried a little in front of me, she didn’t give up.
And when we returned to our classes in August she was suddenly in four of mine instead of one like last year. So I went to our teacher who assigns a lot of group stuff and asked her to never pair me with her. I explained the reason why and she was surprised but agreed that it would be for the best to avoid hostility during the project and especially if others are working with us.
Twice she has tried to claim me as a partner or make me a part of her group. The first time as her solo partner and the second time in a bigger group. Both times our teacher refused.
This made her realize what I’d done.
She told her parents, they went to the principal and demanded a meeting with me and my mom. Mom went but left me out of it and explained why to the principal and told him she didn’t think the first time I meet my “father” should be when he wants to berate me for not working with his daughter.
They tried to say I was bullying their daughter and I should be facing suspension OR be forced to make it up to her through some kind of buddy program. The principal didn’t take it seriously. But his daughter and son now stare at me a lot more in school the last couple of weeks, since the meeting, and a couple of her friends said I was such a jerk for embarrassing her like that and not getting to know her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Be polite (like extremely polite no ma’am I do not wish to engage in conversation with you have a wonderful day excuse me, walk away politely) when they talk to you so you don’t get accused of bullying, but no need to be friends.
If your father wants you to have a relationship with his family then he needs to have a relationship with you first. As far as their staring and her friends telling you that you were a jerk that is bullying. Tell a trusted teacher about the incidents and say you just want to let them know it is happening no need to interfere it might blow over but if they escalate then you have already noted to a teacher you were uncomfortable with them beforehand.” Mysterious_Agent7737
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I would actually consider it harassment. You don’t owe her anything, speak with your mom and the principal and teachers about her attitude and what she’s doing because you might look like the Villain to everyone around you just because she’s not getting her way.
Blood isn’t everything if you don’t want a relationship with any of them then don’t have one. Maybe do talk to her directly and tell her you want nothing to do with her and if she and your dad want to have a relationship with you they need to back off, but I feel that bridge is burned as she basically went to the principal just because she didn’t get her way, either way she sounds spoiled and terrible like your father.
Please consider going to therapy and I wish you the best.” Mrs_Totaro13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And if she goes on with the harassment go to the principal and tell them SHE is bullying you because you don’t want to work with her.
And tell her if she doesn’t stop you will explain to everyone and very public the truth that her dad is your sperm donor who failed you, didn’t want you, even preferred to go to jail instead of paying child support (and still should pay amount x but it seems he prefers to spoil them instead of supporting his bio child that he had abandoned) and that you just want her to ignore you because you are not interested in meeting her mom, the AP and her.
You don’t owe him or his children anything. Don’t let them blame you or change the story.” Significant_Taro_690
1. AITJ For Wanting To Study Abroad Without My Mother?
“I (20F) want to study abroad in the upcoming semester. I have a goal of fluency in a language and studying abroad in that country would of course greatly help me to better my skills and aid my jobs in the future.
I told my parents that I want to study abroad, and the first thing my dad told me is no because it’s too far, unsafe, and I ‘don’t have that right’ and it’s ‘not normal’ and I should follow what my other family members do lol…
Anyway, I asked my mom and she said I would only be allowed to go if she went with me. That’s honestly just so ridiculous and so embarrassing. This whole thing is so frustrating. No matter what I do, how I try to convince them and talk through the whole program with them, they won’t listen.
Another thing that doesn’t help is that earlier this year, my sister left with no trace, so now they’re even MORE cautious with the things I do (wonder why she left huh.)
I know what you’re probably thinking, I’m a full adult and I shouldn’t need their approval and I should go regardless of their words, but my family is Arab and very communal and an option like that is so hard to achieve especially in the long term.
It’s so frustrating and every time I bring it up they scream and say it’s too far and unsafe and stupid.
I know logically what I’m saying isn’t crazy, but I start to feel bad overall, it’s like I’m literally an adult…
They then started saying I’m going to do what my sister did and leave the family and that this is just an excuse (like ok not like this makes me want to stay with y’all) and when I told them they were being ridiculous they started saying that I have too much American influence… boy.
So AITJ for wanting to study abroad and NOT take my MOTHER with me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had such an enriching study abroad experience and have recommended it to people who’ve asked about it. It was one of the best things I’ve done for my personal growth.
I think taking a parent would be a significant hindrance to the experience. I understand your feelings on the situation and I’m sorry that your family is acting so nasty to you about it. In trying to prevent a second child of theirs from fleeing, they’re probably unintentionally pushing you in that direction.
Not saying you’d do as your sibling did, but I imagine your parents’ approach makes the prospect cross your mind more. I hope you’ll figure out a way to make the study abroad happen.” paul_rudds_drag_race
Another User Comments:
“Your parents are being unreasonable and controlling.
You’re an adult, but they’re treating you like a child. That said, if they’re paying for your education and particularly if you’re living at home, there’s not a lot you can do about this. I would suggest that you keep your head down, power your way through your degree, and do part-time work if that’s feasible with an eye to getting out, getting a job, and living independently as soon as you finish.
If you work and save, a language course abroad, or some sort of low-cost exchange program, should enable you to travel where you wish without your parents’ permission or money. NTJ.” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I understand that you feel torn right now, between what your parents are telling you is your duty, and what you desire for your own life and to experience.
It’s an impossible place to be in, and at 20 I couldn’t have imagined being faced with this kind of dilemma. Your parents’ fear of losing you is a self-fulfilling prophecy that is also pushing you away, the way your sister seems to have been pushed away.
I imagine part of their fear of losing you comes from a level of insecurity around the idea that they may not have the family structure they always planned on having in their senior years, preferring to have their children care for them rather than to have to rely on hired care workers.
Take an evening to decide for yourself if you are prepared to care for them for the rest of their lives. Because that’s truly the core of why they don’t want you to leave. This isn’t a role that you have to take on, you are fully within your rights to choose to live your life according to your own plan.
It’s okay if you feel called to fill that role AND experience your own life to the fullest as well, but your parents will need sincere, heartfelt reassurance that you understand why they don’t want to lose you. That you understand what they are expecting from you as they age, but that you need to use these years in your and their youth, to learn and grow so that you may all share a more interesting and bountiful life together when they are actually in need of your presence and care.
It’s not feasible for them to join you abroad, and your time studying is precious, sacred even. If they can invest this small piece of time into you and your growth, they only stand to benefit. Good luck!” botobii
Um, can you not ask your dog if she's a good girl? It triggers me.
Can you not call your wife "sugar?" See, I'm diabetic so it triggers me.
"Can you change your name? "Trevor" triggers me."
It's not like you're calling her "my stinky little c********e muffin-slut."
People need to save their offense for things that are actually inappropriate. Sis is gonna wear out her pearls.