People Lay Down The Facts About Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
17. AITJ For Taking In My Nieces?
“I (M22) and my sister Riley (24) lost our parents a year ago in a car accident. She has 5-year-old twin girls Lexi and Addi. Their dad passed away during active service 3 years ago. She told me that she couldn’t cope and was thinking about giving them up so they could have a normal childhood.
She has severe depression and is getting help. I begged her not to give them up and let me take them for her.
After a lot of back and forth, she agreed and they have been living with me for 6 months.
However, my SO (22) has recently told me that I am the jerk for taking them in and not putting her first. I kind of lost it with her a bit and said that they are just kids and need looking after.
I have just accepted a lease on a bigger apartment so they have their own rooms and she is angry because she doesn’t like the area it is in and doesn’t want to come around anymore. I told her that’s fine my nieces come before her.
She hasn’t talked to me for the last few days. My sister has gone to live out of state with my aunt so is not seeing her daughters. I feel so alone now but the girls need me
EDIT: I had been with my SO for a year.
She knew there was a possibility when we first got together that I would be taking in the girls. This has probably been on the cards for the last 15 months. She said that it was a great idea but as it became reality changed her mind.
Now it’s all about her and whether she can live where I do now and if she wants children. She came round last night to talk and after a lengthy discussion, I said that I couldn’t put her first and that we should break up.
She agreed and we left it as we would be friends. That was until she came back wasted out of her mind screaming at me that I’m a jerk. My neighbors called the police and they came and took her away
Also, my teammates are my biggest support. They have been amazing and taken it, in turn, to help out so I’m never without help if I need it. They think she was just with me for my job anyway
I do not think my (ex) SO is a jerk in any way. She couldn’t cope and that’s fine. It’s not what she wanted in her life and that’s her choice. What I can’t get my head around is why I’m the jerk now when I was honest with her right from the beginning.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Honestly, it’s likely you just cost yourself your relationship. She doesn’t want a relationship where there are two children and their needs involved, and you do want to take care of your nieces.
You’re making a great choice for your nieces’ sake and your SO may need to make some of her own choices for her sake – namely, splitting up.
Please make sure you talk to a lawyer about this whole situation though. It’s not when one of the girls has a medical emergency that you want to find out you have no authority to dictate their care.” 0biterdicta
Another User Comments:
“So if I understand correctly, here is the timeline. You’ve been with your SO for a year. You’ve had custody of the kids for 6 months. Before that, there was in your words ‘a lot of back and forth’ with your sister before she agreed to have the kids come live with you.
Once your sister agreed, there were the legalities of you becoming their guardian to deal with. So you’ve been the guardian or in the process of becoming the guardian for these kids for the majority of the time you’ve been with your SO.
It should have been pretty clear where your priorities lie from the beginning.
It would be understandable if your SO said that she wasn’t ready to take on a parental role. Or if she was OK with the situation initially, but as time went on realized that it wasn’t what she wanted. In that case, neither of you would be the jerk.
However, that isn’t what happened. She got mad and said you need to put her first and what? Put the kids in foster care? They’ve already lost their father and grandparents and now their mother. Your SO wants these kids to lose the last remaining family they’ve ever known?
She’s got a serious lack of empathy and a lot of growing up to do. You’re NTJ. Far from it.” steampunk_ferret
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and you are lucky that your SO exposed her mean spirit and true self to you relatively early in the relationship.
You are an amazing person to take on the care of two little girls and what an amazing relationship you will have with these girls for the rest of your life.
If you had been married and living together then the decision might have been somewhat more mutual but frankly, I personally would have still chosen my nieces under these circumstances rather than having them go into the system – your sister is going through a rough patch, and hopefully will emerge with the ability to take them back again.
If not she will remain in their life and they will have the benefit of a loving home with you.
You will find a new significant other and this time make sure that their hearts are as large as yours is.” Jujulabee
16. AITJ For Playing Instead Of Making Dinner?
“I (f35) am married to Josh (37m). Josh has a child Nate (15m) from his previous relationship which I treat as my own.
My in-laws have decided to visit us and stayed with us for 2 weeks as we have a bigger house and they live on another end of the country.
I didn’t mind that as I assumed I would be working most of the time (I currently work from home as recently my anxiety has been through the roof due to something that happened in the office). However, after the first few days, I have discovered that my in-laws are waaay too much for me to handle right now in my current state.
They are very talkative, demand attention all the time including while I’m working, want to spend time as a family 24/7, and give unsolicited advice on everything. Each of them is also incredibly picky about what to eat, so the easiest option to accommodate their pickiness is to order a takeaway, which is something we have been doing for a week.
Unfortunately, my in-laws are also too much for Nate, he absolutely hates their company as they wouldn’t shut up about his personal life and keep asking questions. I have managed to avoid them by locking up in my office for the last week and gaming after office hours while saying everyone I’m very busy at work and pretending I’m working.
I need to relax and their presence affects my mental health too much. Seeing Nate in the same situation made me suggest for him to do the same and then both of us can sneak out somewhere later in the evening and during lunch for food, which he agreed to.
So he told them he has an important school project, so after school, he can spend time with his friends without being nagged or just read or game in his room instead.
Well, my husband has discovered what I and Nate have been doing, after some pressure from my in-laws, and my husband Nate said it was me who suggested this as he was feeling overwhelmed with all the attention.
Yesterday Josh, my MIL, and I had a big argument about it where both Josh and Jenna (MIL) said I shouldn’t teach Nate bad behaviors and what a jerk I was for playing games instead of cooking for them. I have reminded them that we have plenty of takeaways in the fridge and some of the meals I made on the weekend just require to be put in the microwave, but I’m still a bad guy.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. This is on your husband to deal with. I wouldn’t want to cook for several picky people and I’d definitely recommend cutting down the length of time they visit the next time.
There’s nothing wrong with being overwhelmed, stressed, and anxious with all these high-maintenance people yapping in your ear all day for days in a row. People in general like their alone time, especially introverts.” bromley325
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this infuriates me.
What you and Nate are doing is practicing good mental health wellness. It is not gaming or ignoring, it is restorative therapy for you both. Instead of making yourselves ill, you’re both using coping mechanisms. Shame on your husband!
He should recognize this and support it. Actually, about the in-laws, instead of throwing a tantrum and playing the victim, they should be looking at their own behaviors, and see exactly what effect they are having on you both. If they have any love for you both or a shred of empathy, they would work with you so everyone is much happier.
You and Nate make sure you prioritize your mental health.” Elora_Ada_Danan
Another User Comments:
“If I were you, I’d wear that bad guy badge with honor. Tell hubs you saved his son from daily badgering from his parents.
Tell hubs you are not a short-order cook and decided to save yourself from their constant bs and ridiculous diets. Remind him that these are his family, not yours, they are his responsibility to entertain and accommodate, and while you did what you could, you will not accept responsibility for them, or tolerate their constant criticisms and barrage of inappropriate questions to you and your stepson.
NTJ.” Realistic-Animator-3
15. AITJ For Wanting To Have Thanksgiving With American Traditions?
“My wife is Russian and wants to spend every holiday with her family.
I don’t talk to my family so hers is the default. Every holiday we go to her family’s home. They only serve Russian food. My son and I really don’t like any of the food. So we generally don’t eat.
My in-laws know this and don’t care. I have tried bringing our food but they don’t set any room at the table for it. Also, everybody essentially ignores my son and me.
Everybody speaks Russian and we just sit in the corner by ourselves.
I told my wife I would like to celebrate certain holidays by ourselves where we can follow our traditions. Thanksgiving being one of them. Her family will gather for Thanksgiving this year and I told her I don’t want to go.
I get my son this year for Thanksgiving (custody agreement) and don’t want to go to her family’s. My wife is annoyed and says I am whining. We have been married 8 years and every holiday has been with her family.
I want to just celebrate with my wife and kids at home where we eat American food and celebrate where my son and I are comfortable. She expects me to just celebrate with her family. AITJ for wanting to have Thanksgiving where my son and I are comfortable?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to put your foot down here, or it seems likely your relationship is doomed. How much longer are you & your son going to be your wife’s transportation to her family’s events? As others suggested, perhaps let her go be with her family & you & your son (& maybe some friends or neighbors?) celebrate Thanksgiving.
I don’t know where you live, but if your wife is Russian perhaps she feels isolated, too, & needs these times with her family, language, food & culture. But that doesn’t mean you’re joined at the waist. Sure, compromise would be better where she joins you in celebrating Thanksgiving, but if that’s not possible, then do it on your own.
Ps: Learn Russian.” J************g
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sit your wife down and tell her what you plan to do and that you would like her to try the American style of celebrating the holidays. Point out that you have done it her way for 8 years and now it is time for her to share yours.
If she doesn’t want to do it and you can’t persuade her, then you and your son can stay home and do your thing. Tell her it is important to you and that you want her there but if it is going to be a fight, let her go to her parents.
If she has a fit, then maybe she doesn’t care about you enjoying yourself after all.” labille3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She says you’re whining because you don’t want to go to her family for the holidays. Remind her that the two of you and your son are family and you have the right to enjoy the holidays too.
If she refuses to stay home, then that is her problem. If you’ve never cooked a Thanksgiving dinner, go online. They have step-by-step instructions to walk you through it. You and your son can make some good memories by cooking the meal together.” 80Katz
14. AITJ For Uninviting My Aunties From My Wedding?
“So I (32f) am marrying my fiancé (37m) next year. We have a seven-year-old daughter and a four-year-old son together. Our daughter is extremely excited to be a flower girl and has been practicing walking around the house and throwing petals around, which our son has obviously seen.
He started doing it too and asked if he could be a flower boy at the wedding. My husband and I obviously said yes because it’s completely adorable (if you ignore the fact they both keep ruining the flower displays we have in the house).
I went to visit my parents recently for a sort of family reunion (my aunties are twins, and another sister was born two days after them the year after, so they do a big birthday celebration thing each year). For context, they’re all in their late 60s.
We were talking about my wedding and I mentioned our plan, and all three of my aunties went really quiet, and started saying, ‘But he’s a boy. He can’t be a flower girl, he has to be a page boy.’ I said he’d be a page boy, but he’d help his sister throw petals along the aisle.
They kept saying that it wasn’t right and that people would find it odd. It descended into a bit of an argument, but because it was their birthday celebration I just changed the topic.
I was planning on just letting them be grumpy if they wanted to be (they’re all pretty dramatic about nonsense like that), but they’ve since started calling up my mum, telling her that she needs to get me to change my mind.
Honestly, I can’t deal with that kind of insane negativity in my life so I just told all three of them they were uninvited if they were going to act like that.
My mum’s obviously on my side because she’s not a lunatic, but it’s putting her in an uncomfortable position.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, that is ridiculously cute and sweet and hurts no one. Your aunts are just being mean and stuck in their old ways and now getting nasty about it. I could’ve let it pass if they stopped after the initial argument and shoved it off as a weird, heated moment to ignore, but they took it to the next level and made it an actual issue now.
Absolutely worth disinviting. As another poster said they picked this hill to die on; let them.” Pristine_Expert7906
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you are not wrong. If your son can do flower boy duties with his sister I don’t see why not.
Plus you allowing him to do that will make your wedding the coolest thing ever and the sweetest memory he will look back on when he is older. That is an original idea coming from you so go for it.
Ignore those three aunts and you do you. Remember you are no bad niece and you are not a bridezilla.” KangarooOk2190
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This crap about what girls can do and what boys can do has to stop!
Of course, your son can be a flower boy. A wedding is about love, being happy, and creating joy. Don’t accept superannuated ‘traditions’ infringing on your celebration. And I agree, guests who bring negativity should be uninvited. They brought this about themselves.” SnooSprouts6712
13. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mother-In-Law To Move In With Us?
“I (F) have been married to my husband (M) for several years and we have two kids that are both under four.
We are both full-time working professionals. My MIL lives with my SIL in another state in a new, really quiet, upscale home, with her own room, closet, and bathroom. My SIL is her legal guardian and power of attorney. My SIL is also married with two big and strong high school boys still living at home.
Her oldest child is in college living on campus. My SIL’s eldest son has a driver’s license too.
My MIL’s health has gotten to the point where she needs help bathing, cooking/preparing food, walking, and going to the bathroom.
My SIL refuses to use at-home nurse care, for her husband and sons, or utilize a nursing home, however, while complaining about how tired she is. My husband flew down to see his mother before she had surgery and stayed to help his sister take care of their mother for a week.
My MIL has COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) and had part of her large intestines removed due to severe diverticulitis. She has recovered well and seems to be back to normal. When he returned he suggested we move his mother into our home (in the finished basement) to give his sister a break.
I disagreed and suggested he encourage his sister to utilize the resources available to her first and/or fly down there bi-monthly for a week and take care of his mother there.
We are currently financially limited and are paying off debts, paying for two kids to go to private school, etc. In addition, my MIL is not congenial, but severely difficult, moody, and not kid friendly.
My SIL has a difficult time dealing with my MIL too. Our kids are noisy, active, friendly, and energetic, and have tantrums on a daily basis. I told him he would be his mother’s sole caretaker since he is going against my wishes.
He seems to think he can do it, but I know I will be doing most of the work because of how much he helps with the kids and the time he took off after I gave birth. He says he will use his vacation and Family and Medical Leave, but I know he will not entirely let go of his job.
My SIL is very mean, moody, and has a bad temper and she is difficult to communicate and collaborate with. This would make this situation even more burdensome. There is so much more, but not enough time.
My husband thinks I am wrong and is ashamed to now be married to me.
He says as a wife I should be happy to take care of his mother and he would do the same for me. But my family has treated him with love and respect so much so that he loves being around them.
His mother and sister have been the opposite of me. They are the most selfish people I have ever met in my life. They only care about themselves and their immediate nuclear family. They treat people poorly and as a result, have no friends.
Doing this will put a strain on my mental health, which I get therapy and take medication for, and my marriage. My husband says if I don’t go along he will divorce me. I am standing my ground. Am I wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your MIL needs to be in a nursing home. Someone who cannot toilet herself, wash herself, or walk without assistance needs more help than you or your husband can provide.
For her to remain safe and healthy, she needs to be in a place where assistance is available 24/7.
If your husband moves her in against your wishes, take your children and move out. He will have to make other arrangements for his mother because he won’t make it even two days before he realizes he hates helping her use the toilet.
You should contact a lawyer immediately and look at your options. Tell the attorney about his threat to divorce you if you refuse to become your mother-in-law’s home health aide.
Meet his threat head-on. Tell him, ‘Go ahead. You’ll be taking care of your mother by yourself, and paying child support.
You are going to be very busy doing the work you thought I’d be doing. Good luck with that’.” NoxWild
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your husband is only suggesting this to shut his sister up. From what you’ve said she is not an easy person to deal with and does not want to get the help she has in her area.
This is totally within her power to fix. But your husband simply wants the complaining to end. Which, I get. Being complained to like that so much is tiring.
He is a jerk. He is calling your bluff on the divorce.
He’s expecting your love for him and will to not break up your family to make you stay and give in to his demands. Sounds like emotional mistreatment. Stand your ground. If he says it’s over, lawyer up and proceed with the separation.
See how quickly he will change his stance.” Inner-Nothing7779
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… call his bluff. Double down and say if he passes away, you are moving out so that you will NOT ever have to take care of his mother.
Now I don’t usually jump on the divorce train, but he opened the door. As someone with an aging mother needing care, I’m saying that this should be your hill to die on.
If he moves forward with the move, move forward finding your own apartment, and start with a trial separation.
If he wants custody, agree to a 50/50 split as he will then have periods of mom/ kid care on his own.
It won’t last long. He doesn’t understand how hard what he is wanting and asking you to do.
Make it clear that you are ready to remove yourself from this situation and not be steamrolled by him into being a caretaker to anyone when you don’t agree.” drtennis13
Go now, today, and find yourself a divorce attorney to start the custody and support paperwork. Also start looking for a new home for you and the kids. Jerk husband wants to threaten divorce? Hey, watch this, you oaf.
If you want to be nice, you might look up some nursing home options in your area, as well as some private nursing services so your husband has options when he gets tired of wiping mom's behind. Because you won't be there to help.
If he's too lazy or cowardly to stand up to his sister, that's on him. He can't visit that kind of responsibility on you. This IS a hill to die on.
12. AITJ For Not Letting My Pregnant Friend Eat My Wife's Food?
“I (33M) have had the same friends since college. We became close our freshman year and have remained friends since then. It consists of me and my four buddies + our wives. It started out as me and my buddies but as we got older our families have expanded and so have the friend group.
Once a month we have barbecues and each one of us take turns hosting. My wife, Jane, is autistic and has trouble eating certain foods. She has sensory issues. To be safe I have given my friends a list of foods that are safe for her to eat and won’t cause any problems. It’s really easy food and none of them have a problem accommodating her.
The other day we were over at one of my friends’ house. His name is John (fake name). We all got our food and his wife, Caroline, went and grabbed the plate that was for my wife. My other friend’s, Nick, wife saw.
Her name is Sarah and she is pregnant. She said she didn’t want the food that was made and wanted my wife’s food. The problem was John and Caroline only made enough for Jane and not enough for anybody else.
Sarah then demanded my wife give up her food because she has a baby to nourish and my wife doesn’t.
My wife has trouble communicating what she wants to other people so I told Sarah that my wife only eats certain foods and this is one of them.
Sarah snapped back saying that the other food is making her nauseous and she has to eat something and my wife’s food is the only thing that looks appealing to her. I told her that she or her husband can get in the kitchen and make something but my wife will not be giving up her food.
She called me rude and inconsiderate and stormed out of the backyard. Nick went to chase after her shortly after.
AITJ for not letting a pregnant woman eat my wife’s food?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Just because Sarah is pregnant does not entitle her to eat people’s food without them offering it to her first. It is fine to ask, but Sarah became the jerk when she demanded the food and tried to guilt trip OPs wife/ OP with the ‘baby to nourish’ comment, as if she was literally starving and there was not a kitchen full of food to eat.
She did not need the food to nourish her baby, she wanted the food because it was more appetizing to her at the moment. You are not “rude and inconsiderate” for prioritizing your wife’s dietary needs over Sarah’s momentary wants.” yovakcans
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Being pregnant doesn’t make you entitled to someone else’s food. Even if your wife didn’t have sensory issues, Sarah still doesn’t have a right to demand food that isn’t hers. If she’s having a nauseous reaction to the other food, that’s fine.
But she should handle it like an adult and either politely ask Caroline if it’s possible for her to make another portion of the food that she made for Jane, or she and Nick could step out shortly to get her food that would be agreeable with her pregnancy symptoms.
Good for you for sticking up for your wife.” mua44
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I understand pregnancy and food issues suck. But people really don’t put any effort into understanding neuro-divergence and how it affects sensory perception. Some textures are just horrific for us, it’s just the way it is.
Your pregnant friend wasn’t getting that your wife simply can’t just eat something else. And her reaction was over the top. Hopefully, after the fact she’ll be calm enough to get that she was asking someone else to go hungry and be left out.
That’s just not cool. If she can do that, I’d say it was pregnancy hormones and the judgment would become ‘no jerks here’.
Suggestion: since friend groups tend to have pregnancies in batches, it might be a good idea to have more of the alternative food than just the one plate in the future.” Ike_the_Spike
11. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Cover Some Bills?
“I (34f) am raising a daughter. I recently got a job making just shy of $100K (I work my butt off). My partner is a big kid – it’s what I like about him, sometimes. Together 4 years. When it comes to finances I shoulder the bulk, he doesn’t make as much doing ‘fun’ jobs.
Like river guiding, or ski repair. That’s okay. However, I found out recently he has had an inheritance this whole time and has tens of thousands of dollars in the bank. In the meantime, before the new job, I struggled to make ends meet.
He bought a snowmobile a couple of seasons ago but refuses to kick in regularly for the household. Spends a couple hundred every few months for some groceries. Pays $700 of the $1700 rent – that’s it. I pay for his toiletries for god sake.
I cook, clean, and do his laundry.
Well after much complaining and moaning from me about him mooching off of me so he can party with his trucks and toys, he gifted me that snowmobile for my birthday this year, a $12K sled – of course bought himself a new one.
Between that ‘gift’ and my ‘big paycheck’ – now he’s REALLY put away his wallet. Gives me part of the rent and the book is closed – we need a new mattress, and I wanted him to kick in a couple hundred. ‘I just gave you a snowmobile’ ‘you have that big fancy job now, what do I need to kick in for?’ He has money.
I don’t even want the sled anymore, I just want him to contribute fairly to shared items. I want to start stashing money big time to buy a house and start actually building some wealth but I feel like I’m being held back from covering some of his bills.
He says I’m ungrateful. AITJ?
Maybe a little more info – he and my daughter (9f) are buds – he outfits her w ski goodies every winter, Tudors her in Math, comes to most of her volleyball games and events, they watch the Simpsons together, he tunes her mountain bike, skis, etc., etc. she always has the hook up w things like that – her Dad is super involved as well.
He does nice things for me – planted the flowerbeds this summer with all of my favs, etc. – but that’s give and take in my head.
I do nice things for him to make his life easier and round it goes.
I’d rather have a partner that may not earn a large income but is happy doing what they do, than the other way around. HOWEVER if he actually CAN contribute to the household and shared items, then he needs to – I think he’s so ****** stingy with ‘his’ money, that it’s even made him deceitful about it and he saves it for himself where he can, and spends mine.
He says he gave me a large gift for my birthday. I feel it’s not a gift then if he gave it to me basically as a trade to make things ‘even’ for eternity – which I don’t think this makes things even.
But he also could’ve just sold it. I feel, maybe I AM being a jerk by still talking about his ‘fair share’. Just accept the gift and call it even, for now.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s a bit of dishonesty going on.
Tens of thousands of dollars is not a lot of money in the long run, not enough to retire on. Less than you make in a year. Unless he is minimizing what his inheritance actually is. If he has never had a job, he isn’t likely to turn into a contributor.
I wouldn’t marry this guy… you would end up paying alimony. There is no sign that he is going to change into a responsible, bill-paying partner.” corgwin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – What are you supposed to be grateful for that you married a man not willing to help financially or around the house?
He’s selfish and he’s mooching off of you. No other way to put it. You are his meal ticket so that he can do what he wants. Unless you are okay with paying for him for the rest of your life you need to get out of this marriage now.
I mean not only is he not going to get a real job but he has an inheritance that he withheld from you and still contributes nothing to the household even though he could, not even that but he won’t buy his own toiletries with it.
GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN.” *************
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you don’t have the luxury of letting this go.
I’d recommend you discuss with him what the future home situation will look like. That could include how chores will be handled (including what you have for your daughter), bills, toiletries, savings, etc.
There’s nothing wrong with being with someone who is fun and a ‘big kid’, but you need to know if you can build a life with this person. I’m talking about retirement, emergency savings, and home ownership. If he thinks the snowmobile covers all of that even after you talk with him, then unfortunately you have your answer.” JustBecause1414
10. AITJ For Not Telling My Classmates About My Prior Education?
“I’m 23f and finishing up two science degrees at university.
I needed one more class this semester to qualify for my financial aid level and I’m already taking a lot of difficult courses so I chose to do an intro-level still-life course as something easier for me that would provide a form of closure to the trauma I experienced as a teen.
The class has 9 students in it and most of them are a few years younger than me. Almost everyone except one other student is in either animation or fine arts so I’m definitely out of place in a couple of ways.
I was in a private academy from 12-18 where students around the globe could get specialized education in certain subjects. I was not a prodigy but I did show a natural talent/love for art and was placed in an advanced program for it.
I had a horrible time in the program, despite being one of the top students in my age group, and acquired complex trauma from various forms of mistreatment I experienced during the time I was enrolled. I dropped out before graduation and have not done much art since but have had extensive therapy.
I emailed my professor at the start of the semester to explain my background to him. He said that it was fine, thanked me for letting him know, and confirmed that it wouldn’t affect anyone’s grade except my own. So far we’ve submitted a good amount of projects and I’m one of two students with an A.
We can’t see who got what grades online but we can see the highest, lowest, average, and most common grades. A smaller group of people have made a variety of comments about how our professor is going easy on me because I’m not an art student, how I’m clearly being dishonest with my work, I should be failing, I have the weakest work, etc.
Last week, a lot of people were struggling with a new medium and needed help. Our professor took one look at my work, said it was great, and moved on. The next person, Claire(18), made a comment that I was using my phone.
It was confiscated and, because I wasn’t using it for my work, my quality remained the same and I got it back.
We were then cleaning up at the end of class and one of my friends, Brent, asked if I’d worked with this medium before.
Claire once again accused me of being dishonest and I explained to them that, no, I wasn’t being dishonest and that I was an art student in high school. I was called ‘that kid with no friends who ate paint for lunch’ and accused me of being dishonest again.
I shared a small amount of info about the program I was in with Brent. Claire went ballistic on me. I was called a variety of names, told I should’ve gone over my history at the start of class, and called selfish for taking up space that could be used for someone who actually needed to be there.
Our professor stepped in and according to Brent, there was a lecture on professional conduct at the end of class.
I can’t help but feel like a jerk for not being transparent with everyone. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, at all!
It’s a college course, you’ve never taken a university-level class for art before. It makes absolute sense that you would be in the intro class. My best friend at 22 did the same thing coming into my college as a first-year student and was eons ahead in skill.
No one made fun of him, though there were light jokes about hating him for his talent or wanting to steal his skills. I think it sounds like your class unfortunately consists of a good number of jerks.
Anyone making ‘jokes’ about you eating paint is clearly jealous (feels like the only time I can confidently say this about bullying under the circumstances, to be honest), and their being aggressive rather than reasonably understanding that some people practice art more throughout life.
Which it’s very normal for people of creative or athletic backgrounds to have loads of practice throughout early education, atop some maybe lucky natural talent to start.
If those classmates care about that so much maybe they should help themselves more by putting in effort as opposed to making you feel awful.
I’m worried Claire with the small group could stir up trouble but your professor sounds like he’s behind you. So you keep doing you. Hopefully Claire and the others back off.” midnight_book
Another User Comments:
“I think your first bad experience made you more sensitive to the kind of people like Claire.
Jealous, vindictive, and trying to destroy the talent and assurance of a fellow student she only sees as a competitor.
Your teacher was quite right to give her that lecture.
Your life is your own. You don’t have to spill it to the first whiner who doesn’t like it that you got an A.
And do you know what she would have said if you had told everyone at the beginning that you came from an art program? She would have whined, screamed, and shouted that you were being dishonest because you already went through courses, and you were telling them only because you wanted to strut and show off and tell the other students that they were so much inferior to you.
You can’t win with those people.
As for ‘stealing’ the place of another, your professor accepted you in his class and kept you in after you explained to him your background. That is his privilege and his choice.
As I said, you can’t win with those people and you shouldn’t even try.
They would drag you to their level and beat you with experience. Ignore her. That will drive her bonkers.
NTJ.” Renbarre
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She made assumptions about you. Every person you meet is not entitled to your background qualifications.
The only person that may have wanted to know was your instructor. It’s like an engineer going back to finish up a basic math class to complete a requirement. It’s good info for the teacher to have, but unnecessary for the other students to know.
The girl was just mad because she was confidently putting you down only to realize you are more qualified than she is. People get very upset when they realize they’ve been making a fool of themselves. But that is not your problem.” sansansa56
9. AITJ For Telling My Husband's Private Medical Information To My Friends?
“My husband has been in and out of the hospital for 2 months for health problems. He’s home getting rest and his condition is stable, not improving but is at least stable.
My (female) friends come over since I can’t leave the house during the night and we were chat in the living room for an hour or 2.
My husband heard me talk about his health with my friends and seemed bothered. I told him I was just telling them about what’s been going on, but he said I could keep it vague without disclosing his private medical info.
I thought he was being ridiculous for this and thought he’d let it go but last night, he blew up at me after my friends left saying that I once again went and shared private medical info about him with his consent and despite him repeatedly asking me to stop.
We had a loud argument where I told him off for policing my mouth and told him to get over himself since it wasn’t like I was sharing his medical file online or stuff like that. I’m just venting to my friends.
He’s sulking and is refusing to let it go saying I’m violating his privacy repeatedly and disrespecting his boundaries. But I think he overreacted.
AITJ?
Edit: listen, I’m not doing this deliberately. I just vent and they are my closest friends.
What is he so worried about? That they’ll share this with the whole city?!?! Besides, it’s not like my friends or those who know us don’t know he’s sick. He can’t even stand on his feet for more than a couple of minutes and everyone is aware of his condition and can tell by the physical state he’s in
I’m sorry I forgot to put our ages if it’s relevant. I’m f32, he’s m36, and he has CHC (continuing healthcare) that got worse within a year and more intense in just 2 months’ time. I’m his caregiver but family helps out here and there.”
Another User Comments:
“Your husband specifically requested that you stop sharing his private medical info, while specifically not objecting to you having conversations with your friends about what you are going through.
And your response to this reasonable request was not to discuss it with him, not to try to figure out a compromise, but instead to simply dismiss him as ridiculous?
Yeah, YTJ.
Your husband isn’t policing what you say by declaring his personal medical info off-limits. He’s not saying you can’t vent to your friends. He’s saying that, when you vent, find a way to do it while being non-specific about his personal info.
And frankly, if you can’t find a way to do that for him when he is in a vulnerable state, you have much bigger problems than just this argument.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
He literally told you it was an issue for him, and you ignored it, did it again, and are now playing the victim.
Relationships are about trust, and if you can’t trust your partner to keep their mouth shut about things you want to stay between you two as a couple, what can you trust them with?
Furthermore, telling him he’s overreacting or that he needs to get over himself is just plain gaslighting.
It’s a total barrier to healthy communication when you completely dismiss an issue. It’s a horrible feeling to feel as though your partner is ignoring every word you say, and I promise you if this is habitual behavior it’ll cause resentment.” MrNogi
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
That is private information. It sounds like it could be something he’s embarrassed about. Venting to your friends is fine. He told you this bothered him and that he wanted you to stop, but you continued. You then fought with him while trying to guilt-trip him about controlling you.
You’re completely in the wrong.
You can vent to your friends. ‘What Doug has been going through has been difficult for me. He’s resting and stable, but I’ve been stressed doing all the chores. It’s really taken a toll on me.’ That’s venting without giving out anything private or any details that he doesn’t want to be shared. If your friends ask you should shut that down instead of taking their side over your husband’s.
If you need to vent about the specific medical issue you should find a therapist. Putting his private information out to people who obviously like gossip is not the right choice here.” muskiesfan1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
The fact that it makes him uncomfortable should be enough for you to be considerate of his feelings.
The fact you have no problem telling your friends, but won’t tell strangers on the internet what his current condition is (and you shouldn’t) tells me it’s probably a sensitive issue he feels some embarrassment about.
It really doesn’t matter the reason he doesn’t want it shared. He asked you not to and you sent the message loud and clear that you don’t care about his feelings as long as you get to gossip with the girls.” relentless89
Your husband has a serious medical condition that he's told you repeatedly that he wants kept private, but you just can't stop running your mouth. Wow. You're a massive jerk and you know it. If you're frustrated by being his caregiver and need a break, look into options for in home care that will ease your burden for a few hours each week. But don't "vent" to anyone about his medical condition, EVER. Not only is that very disrespectful, it might cost you your marriage.
8. AITJ For Making My Husband Replace The Chocolates That He Ate?
“I am 8.5 months pregnant and driving sucks. So my mom drives me around because my husband is working huge hours to get ahead before the baby comes.
Last month she drove me to my favorite chocolate store and I stocked up on my favorite flavors. The store has dozens of flavors of chocolate individually wrapped in colorful foil so you can tell the flavor. The store is about an hour’s drive away from our home.
My husband knows my favorite flavor. Half the bag was originally that flavor but by now it’s just even with the others.
He came home from work yesterday and after supper, we were going to sit and watch tv. I waddled over to the couch and asked him to please bring me two of my chocolates.
He did and he grabbed a few for himself. No problem there.
He came back to the couch with chocolate in his mouth. When he kissed me I knew what flavor he took. He admitted he took the stracciatella ones.
My favorite.
I got kind of upset and he said it was no big deal, I could go with my mom and get some more.
Yes, this company sells their chocolate everywhere but that flavor I’ve only ever seen this flavor in their store.
I asked if he has been eating that flavor a lot and his face told me everything I needed to know. I yelled at him that it was not like it’s easy for me to sit in a car for two hours.
He said he would go out right now and replace them.
He hit a couple of stores, and a couple of grocery stores all told him the same thing. So he drove across town and came back with a big bag of just that flavor.
While he was gone I called my mom and she said I need to calm down because my hormones are making me crazy.
I apologized to my husband but he is still grumpy that he drove around for hours just to get me chocolate.
I think he should know better than to eat my favorite flavor.
I know this isn’t as big a problem as some of the other stuff here.
Edit: My husband is wonderful and he went out looking to replace my chocolate.
After he didn’t find it nearby HE CHOSE TO DRIVE ACROSS TOWN. I didn’t force him to do it. When I said I made him do it I meant he did it to make me happy.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your mum was completely right that you needed to calm down, and it’s great that you apologized, but come on now:
‘I think he should know better than to eat my favorite flavor’ – seriously?
Nobody here seems to be considering that it might be both of your favorites and considering that there was half a bag of that flavor, and he made them even, I’d assume that it’s at least in his top 3.
If he has a different favorite flavor, fair enough to you, but he may have thought ‘My wife got half a bag of this flavor because she knows they’re my favorite too.’
Either that or because literally all of them were your favorite flavors and you got a selection of them, he made sure to pick the one that there were most of so that you would still have variety when you wanted it.
Either way, he made sure not to consume all of them, he kept them even, and went out of his way to go across town to replace them.
You should have known that he would have replaced them if you wanted them – it doesn’t even matter if they’re your favorites, because they can be replaced.” kfairns
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You did your best to satisfy your own cravings by driving out with your mom and getting an easily-identifiable snack. You could’ve probably warned your husband not to eat his Favorite Flavor, but everyone forgets or assumes they already mentioned it, or otherwise under-communicates sometimes.
Your husband may not have realized how many sweets he was taking, especially if he only took a couple at a time. He also may have misremembered or completely forgotten which flavors you loved most, and just ate the ones he liked best (sounds like you both have good taste).
It sounds like he also didn’t realize which shops sold which flavors, which may have caused him to think ‘if I finish these we can just get more’ rather than ‘these are difficult to replace so I’ll avoid them’.
It also sounds like you both responded kindly to each other. He immediately ran out to purchase more sweets, and you apologized for getting so upset. You’ll both probably look back on this and laugh — it sounds like you’ve got a lovely bond.” i-love-tater-thots
Another User Comments:
“It’s hard to tell from the info here so I’ll go with ‘no jerks here’ or ‘everyone sucks here’ – your choice.
In your favor, those chocolates were a gift from your mom to you. They were your chocolates.
In his favor, you don’t mention that you explicitly told him to leave them, or even a specific flavor of them, for you, and in fact, you apparently saw him take some for himself and said nothing – so it’s reasonable he would assume it was a ‘for both of you’ bag or that you were cool with him grabbing some as well.
You don’t mention if there were any of your favorites left at the point where you discovered which he was eating, but he also thought they were easily available to pick up. So he made a mistake in eating your chocolates, and he made a mistake in thinking they were easily replaceable – but both appear to be both honest and first-time mistakes, and he did go out of his way to get you more the same night, and ‘a big bag’ – those aren’t cheap chocolates!
So the yelling was unwarranted, but then again you are 8.5 months pregnant, so like your mom, I suspect it was hormonal.
And you apologized! That’s great. Assuming the apology was genuine it’s not really fair of him to hold onto the grudge, but you did mention he’s working ‘huge hours’, so whereas your emotions are off kilter because of hormones, his are likely just as off due to being tired. So his driving around for 2+ hours would have further cut into the lesser time he’s already getting to rest. Has anyone gotten him a favorite anything as recognition for the additional work he’s doing or found ways to help him relax fully in his downtime?
Sometimes fathers get forgotten, and it would be a kindness along the lines of your mother getting you your favorite chocolates. But in general, just try and be gentle with each other, and be aware that you’re both going to be more tired and overstretched than usual for a while (because once the baby’s there a whole new string of reasons to be tired pops up!).
Side note, my mother also adores those chocolates and lives nowhere near one of the stores. The occasional times I see one of the harder-to-find flavors in a local store I grab some for her. Her response to this would be ‘oh I’m so jealous that she’s only 2 hours from an entire store!… oh wait, no I’m not.’
Have you tried their swiss luxury selection of boxed chocolates? I’m not a fan of the regular chocolate balls but my GOD I would do unprintable things for access to a store that sold those individually!
Congrats and best wishes with the baby!” ISTFMM
7. AITJ For Setting A Curfew On My Daughter's Phone?
“I (38F) and my wife (39F) have a 14-year-old daughter that we adopted when she was 6. She has a friend that I will say is a lot with no boundaries at all. She calls my daughter at all hours with various meltdowns and crying fits, this is especially bad at night which is interfering with my daughter’s sleep and also whenever we are away as a family on a day trip or on holiday the calls grow worse.
It feels like my daughter is her friend’s therapist more than a friend and it is clearly too much for her at times based on how she reacts.
I’ve tried to reach out to the girl’s parents about this but it hasn’t helped and also tried to explain to my daughter that boundaries are important and it’s ok to state them strongly when needed, that she doesn’t need to be on call 24/7 for her friends and a true friend would get that but my daughter doesn’t feel comfortable with this and I’ve honestly been at my wit’s end.
A part of me wants to try and encourage her to break off this friendship which seems very toxic but it’s a rough age for everyone and I don’t want to make things worse for this girl or make my daughter feel guilty.
I finally told my daughter she had a 9 pm cut off from her phone, it would be stored in a lockbox in the Livingroom that no one can access to protect her privacy and she’d get it back at 8 am the next day but between those 11 hours, she won’t have access to her phone.
As you can imagine this resulted in some arguments with my daughter insisting this is not fair and her friend needs her. My wife worries maybe I’m being too harsh and we need to explore every avenue for this not wanting to do anything to upset her but I pointed out how this is messing with our daughter’s sleep and is bad for her in the long run so my wife has agreed to do things my way, for now, to see how it goes.
It has been a few days now and my daughter has said how her friend has been so upset over not being able to call her and she’s worried this could ruin their friendship. I’ve tried to explain to her that a real friend would understand that she can’t be there 24/7 but it seems to fall on deaf ears.
I’m worried about how upset she seems with all of this and not sure what else I could have done.
Is there a better way I could have handled this? was I perhaps too harsh?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ (the friend’s parents are jerks for not addressing the friend’s behavior and need for support).
You can’t control the friend and your daughter needs help setting and enforcing boundaries. I think part of your explanation to her should make it clear that you’re okay being the ‘bad guy’ in this situation – when dealing with the friend’s reaction, your daughter should feel no guilt about blaming you for your daughter being out of touch.
Let the friend hate you, it’s not like it damages your day-to-day life the way it’s probably impacting your daughter’s.
Your daughter also needs a lot more in-depth explanation of boundaries, how to set them, and how not to feel guilty about enforcing them.
This might be handled by some therapy sessions. In particular, your daughter needs to learn not to set herself on fire to keep someone else warm. Her own health – and sleep – needs to come first. There are some exceptions, like emergencies, but your daughter is a child and not equipped to handle an emergency.
Make sure your daughter knows what to do if the friend is having a real mental health emergency: CALL 911. If the friend is having an emergency, the friend should not call another child for help. Your daughter can’t help and must, must, must not feel responsible for the outcome of an emergency, like the friend being committed for psychiatric observation if the friend’s parents and healthcare provider determine that’s the best treatment.
Your daughter’s lack of boundaries with this friend puts both of their mental health at risk if something dire happens.” lelied
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I think you need to go talk to the school about getting this friend some support who isn’t your daughter, and your daughter help in navigating how to care about someone who’s demanding more from you than it’s reasonable to give.
Or find an external counselor to walk you and your daughter through this if you don’t trust the school’s services. Because while the phone curfew might solve the immediate problem, your daughter’s still not grasping the more important aspect of why she needs to set boundaries for herself, and that is going to require you to be able to talk about why this friendship isn’t healthy without totally alienating her in the first five minutes of that conversation.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: it sounds like this is negatively affecting her. Sleep deprivation is a serious issue as well as the emotional toll this will have on her. If she is unable to put in boundaries then you are within your right to put some in.
However instead of just taking her phone away, which comes across as punishment. You should have made it a family thing. That everyone in the household puts their phones away after a certain time. Meaning that it’s not a punishment but a lifestyle decision.
Then make a point of helping her still have positive evenings and go to sleep.” TheKingpling
Explain to your daughter that the only reason her phone is the only one locked away is because it's the only one her friend blows up at all hours of the day and night, not because she's done anything wrong.
And that that is THE END OF THE DISCUSSION. Despite what others might think, all you're doing is your parental duty by protecting your daughter. Good on you.
6. AITJ For Canceling On A Party Over Pasta Salad?
“My friend Mel likes to throw parties/get-togethers. She does potluck style everyone brings something to pass. Then she takes care of the main dish.
Her parties have honestly become something I go to out of obligation more than for fun because I end up more annoyed than anything.
Typically a few weeks or a month ahead Mel will make an event on social media and ask women to bring a dish and ‘men can if they want’. Then she wants us (women) to let her know what dish we’re making so there are no doubles.
I usually try to make something, porcupine bread, or some side dish. If my SO comes with I make 2 dishes because I don’t want us to be one of those couples that just bring one thing and he doesn’t cook.
There’s this friend of Mel’s, Claire. She brings the simplest things every time. Store-bought pasta salad, precut fruit, cheese, and a cracker tray. Whatever I don’t care about that. The thing that bugs me is she always asks for leftovers and takes TONS.
Including of stuff I brought. Like if I made 2 things of porcupine bread and one was still in Mel’s oven (to keep warm) untouched, she just gives it to Claire. Maybe I’d like to take the food I made home?
Not just give it to someone? Since it’s leftover shouldn’t that be my choice?
Then there’s this dude ‘Mark’ he doesn’t bring anything and he acts like he’s doing everyone a favor for eating their food he’s an opinionated jerk.
He always critiques food, it’s annoying. Then he has 3-4 plate fulls.
So Mel is having a party she created the event and I said I’d go (outside of these dumb events I have fun with Mel). Then today she posted asking what women would bring, I wanted to be petty because I’m sick of putting in effort when Claire and Mark don’t and get more food, so I said I’d make a pasta salad.
Claire jumped on and said, ‘Mel I wanted to bring Pasta salad’.
Mel messaged me and asked me to bring something else and named some previous more effort/expensive dishes I’ve made. I said no. I said, ‘how come Claire always gets to bring pasta salad?’ She said it because she doesn’t know how to cook.
I said, ‘fine I’ll bring cut fruit’. She asked why I was being like this and I said that I was sick of putting in the effort to cook and other people that bring nothing or low-effort stuff getting the majority including my leftovers.
And my food being constantly critiqued by someone that brings nothing. She said these things are about getting together with friends and sharing food not keeping score.
I said ‘fine then I won’t come’.
I guess Mel talked to two of our friends that go to these things and they said I’m being immature and petty and it should be about seeing friends more than who brings and takes what.
My thing is I’m sick of putting time, money, and energy into cooking something and having my food reviewed by a jerk and given away to someone I don’t really like. These events aren’t even fun since only 3 people I’m friends with are there.
AITJ for un-RSVPing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but neither is claire. mel sounds weird in every way possible. Firstly, the concept of the parties isn’t necessarily all bad but there are a few points about it that are bugging me.
The fact that she expects all of the women to cook while the men get the choice to sit back and enjoy everyone else’s hard work; that’s a big no. Then, there’s the fact that it’s a PARTY.
The whole point of parties is to be fun, by the sounds of it you’ve been annoyed by the parties for a long time and as your friend, Mel should’ve acknowledged that and asked what she was doing to make you feel that way.
Aside from the party itself, it’s weird to hold your friends to different standards based on their abilities. Just because someone is capable of doing something doesn’t mean they’re obligated to, and if Mel can’t understand that I feel like she doesn’t really deserve the amount of effort you put into the parties.
Mel is also the one that gave claire your food, and the one that is asking you to do more in return for less. Don’t hold claire accountable for her actions.” treehuggerundercover
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Mel for her weirdly crappy policy that only the women have to contribute: (a) that creates a far greater discrepancy in contribution between members than Claire’s pasta salad and pre-cut fruit ever could, and (b) it puts more pressure on the people bringing food to bring larger quantities because only some of the guests are contributing.
Also a light jerk for giving OP’s food away. Potluck etiquette is that if you brought it, you get first dibs on the leftovers and she should be offering the leftovers first to the person who brought each dish.
Claire for assuming she’s allowed to take everyone else’s leftovers and for kicking up a stink over not being able to bring pasta salad one time. But she’s not a jerk for failing to meet OP’s arbitrary metric of ‘good enough’ in terms of monetary value and being home-cooked. The whole point of a potluck is it allows each participant to contribute within their means, which includes their time, money, and cooking abilities.
Again, Mel’s sexist set-up of the parties really contributes to this issue because it’s putting so much pressure on the women to feed everyone, which is understandably expensive. I can’t blame Claire for finding a way to participate that doesn’t break the bank.
The men who don’t contribute for taking advantage of their friends.
And finally, OP for stewing over this for so long that she’s grown resentful and chose to take the pettiest road to solving the problem.
So, everyone sucks, but if I had to pick the Royal Sucker it has to be Mel for starting this whole debacle with the men eat free policy.” OverlyVerboseMythic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No wonder you are irritated. She is literally contradicting herself. Mel says, ‘these things are about getting together with friends and sharing food not keeping score.’ RIGHT AFTER SAYING ‘why are you being like this?’ when you offered to bring food that cost less/took less effort.
There are many unflattering definitions for this behavior. Contradicting oneself is the most polite.
If you think that you might still want to go and could see yourself enjoying it if you brought a less expensive and time-consuming thing… such that you were just able to give it away in full every time and not worry about leftovers or who has what, then you should just bring whatever you feel comfortable with.
And if it still causes issues after 2 or 3 more times – then you give it up and know what kinds of friends those are and hopefully by that point your main friend will realize she is being contradictory. There are millions of people in the world who go to parties and bring food someone else prepared and they bought at a grocery store.
There are billions of people who go to a party and bring something with cost in mind. Almost everyone in the world. And that cost is different depending on what part of the world you live in and each person’s economics and the type of party.
THEY should feel ashamed for insinuating that you should be ashamed.” Greenbluesea123
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Mel and the others are being jerks for not letting you bring low-effort items and also putting unnecessary pressure on you to attend.
It’s fine to not want to go to these potlucks, and no one should make you feel bad for not wanting to attend.
But I also don’t think you should be mad and petty about Claire bringing store-bought items. Maybe she hates these parties as much as you do, or maybe she is afraid of being made fun of for her cooking.
Also, I don’t think you should be upset over people taking leftovers home. If you want your leftovers, be assertive and take them home yourself.” Mucho_Maas_
5. AITJ For Telling My Dad He Tore Down My Dreams?
“So, I’m an 18f who works full time and lives with my Dad (41) and my stepmom (41). Before I get into this: let me tell you my dad is VERY religious. Moving on.
So, last Saturday my dad and I were home alone and I was in my room because it was my day off.
My dad suddenly came into my room and asked if I wanted to hang out, and I said sure. So we start goofing around, normal father-daughter stuff when he asks me how I’m liking my job. I love it!
I’m a server at an elderly home and I couldn’t be happier. I was telling him how I couldn’t wait for payday and how I was going to buy groceries and start working on paying for my therapist myself rather than him paying for me when he got super mad.
F: None of this stuff matters, OP! This life, and its objects, none of it matters! I don’t see why you’re so obsessed with the things of this world when you need to be focused on God!
I just sighed and went quiet because I don’t like talking to him about religion or god.
I’m kinda terrified of religion because of past trauma and he doesn’t seem to grasp why. Then he went on about how there’s a community college right down the road, and he wonders if my plan is to just work and work for money when I literally have free college (which I’m so grateful for) he asked me what my plans are for the future if any at all.
So, as. I said, my dad, is super religious. He got like this after 6 months in the desert of Kuwait and since august of last year, he’s been drilling into my head that the world’s gonna end in 7 years and how nothing of this world matters and he loves calling me a sinner because I don’t match his ideals.
But I digress. Because my dad has just been pushing it into my head for over a year now, nearly every day- coupled with other issues that led to me being super anxious and slightly depressed, I’ve given up on my dreams. I’m in therapy, and I’ve gotten a lot better than I was before, (my dad hates I’m in therapy, by the way, and says I just need Jesus Christ) but the point is that I just don’t see a future for me anymore past the next month.
And so I told my dad that. I told him that I don’t have any more plans because what was the point? No matter how I see it, no matter what I may do to make myself a little happier, he’s just going to remind me how none of it matters and how it’s all ending in less than 10 years according to his Bible.
I told him that I’m just remembering how nothing I do matters and how everything in this world is pointless so why bother going back to school and going out or even thinking about a family?
He went silent when I told him how I felt and when I told him I don’t have any dreams or plans anymore because HE’S the one who tore them down, he just went to his room and didn’t leave until he had to go to work.
Most of my family has been understanding but I do feel bad about hurting his feelings. He hasn’t really talked to me since then and I just want to know how badly I messed up. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad needed the wake-up call to realize how his attitude has been affecting you. Sometimes what you need to hear hurts. Unfortunately, it’s possible he will simply go into denial and return to how he was; however, there is a chance he will take what you said on board and change.
The important thing though is for you to realize that he shouldn’t be defining your thinking or goals. He doesn’t have to live in your head. Kick him out of there! You should no longer be looking to him for approval or as the judge of what is worthwhile.
Separate yourself from him mentally if not physically and explore who you want to be away from his gloom-and-doom outlook.
Besides, it’s not the length of your life or whether you achieve a given goal that counts, it’s whether you are enjoying your everyday life, including the striving towards goals and the everyday small things.” jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj
Another User Comments:
“No, he is. He can’t talk to his barely adult daughter, constantly telling her it’s all over and nothing matters then be a shocked Pikachu when you have a similar feeling. According to his belief, you don’t get a life.
Everything he got he is telling you that you don’t get and you’re supposed to be cool with that? He is wrong, this isn’t up for debate, the Bible specifically says it is impossible for mortals to know when the end is coming so even his own book is calling him insane.
He was duped and I hope he gets over it, you are NTJ for taking him this but for your future, you need to realize he is wrong. Go to therapy, work past this depression and get your life together at your own pace just please do it.
Again, NTJ, the man is shocked daughter internalized what he was telling her is a thing. He just didn’t consider saying the world is over in under 10 years means his daughter won’t get to turn 30, hopefully, this makes him reconsider.” neohampster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your dad is into a very harmful version of Christianity, and you’re exactly right: apocalyptic beliefs like his absolutely tear down ambitions and dreams. I used to wonder, too, why bother to do anything if the world was ending soon?
First of all, let me tell you: I knew so many people convinced the world was going to end in X amount of years and/or within their lifetimes. A lot of those people are dead and it’s been nearly 30 years, and none of these have come true.
Neither have the thousands of other predictions about this. Absolutely nobody knows when the world is coming to an end, but it’s highly unlikely it’ll happen within the next century.
Hopefully, your dad is considering carefully the fallout from his beliefs and whether or not he really holds them.
Sometimes it takes a moment like this to shake someone out of harmful beliefs because they realize those beliefs have real-world consequences right now, not just some someday-later thing that’s going to happen, and it forces them to consider if they really believe that.
You’re absolutely NTJ. It’s really difficult having a pushy religious parent, too, because a lot of that pushiness does come from a genuine place of love, even if the way they’re going about it is all wrong.
I recommend moving out as soon as you can, living your best life, and taking comfort in the fact that your dad is wrong.
The world will not end in seven years. When it doesn’t, he’ll be in for a shock, but it may crack some of his belief and hopefully, he’ll relax a bit.” Eastern_Fox5735
4. AITJ For Being Mad At My Partner For Laughing When His Dog Ruined My Book?
“My (22F) partner (23M) and I had our anniversary. He bought me a book for our anniversary that I have been wanting to read for years. I was so excited to go home and read it. We went to his parent’s house to use the restroom, and I left my book on the table because we were going to go out for a bit for the rest of our date night.
During our date night, his mother called and said their dog had ripped through my book, but that I could still read it. I started crying, and my partner started laughing. I told him that it wasn’t funny. We went along with the rest of our date and had fun.
We got back to his parents’ house two hours later and I saw that the book was in shambles. Any avid reader would know that just because you can read a torn-up book, doesn’t mean it’s actually readable. The first few pages were torn, the edges were bit off, and there was slobber all over it.
I began to cry again and said ‘this isn’t right!’ to which my partner started laughing at me. This dog has previously torn up my purse, wallet, makeup, etc., and I let it go, but this was too far.
I became really angry and started yelling at him to not laugh at me, and he continued to do so.
At this point, I grabbed my stuff and stormed off to my car. He came outside and started saying ‘I wasn’t laughing!
It is a $20 book I don’t see why you’re acting like this.’ To me it wasn’t just a book, it was an anniversary gift that I was ready to baby and cherish for the rest of my life. I just wanted to leave as I felt like my feelings were not being validated. His mom came outside and said, ‘don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic?’
This book meant a lot to me. I am quite poor at the moment, and I am not really a materialistic person. I know it can be replaced, but I felt like his parents should have taken accountability and replaced the damaged property, and my partner should have validated my feelings.
So, am I the jerk?
Edit: No, I did not leave it on a coffee table. I left it on a high table where I have been leaving my things lately. When the dog ripped up my purse and wallet, I left them on a chair, so I now leave my stuff on higher tables.
I don’t like to leave valuable items in my car because we live in a big city and my car has been broken into. Also, I mentioned in the replies that I was raised by a single mom, and because of that, I didn’t have a lot compared to other people.
Books also helped me escape when I was in a dark place. Yes, I have mental health issues, which makes me more sensitive than others. It’s gotten better, but I know I am not perfect. I am in therapy.
Update: I want to say that I love my partner and his parents.
I talked to my mom, and she gave me a bit of insight. My partner is not a cruel person and does everything he can to take care of me. He has helped me out since I can’t work at the moment.
My mom thinks he was laughing not at me, but at the fact that he couldn’t figure out what to do as it’s not his dog, so the ‘I didn’t laugh at you’ comment makes sense. I talked to him and his mom and gave them my perspective.
They understood and his mom apologized. She thought I stormed off because the dog ruined the book, but I told her it was because my partner was laughing at me, and she called me dramatic. We hugged it out.
My partner apologized for laughing and said he didn’t mean to laugh but that he just didn’t know what to do.
I apologized to them for yelling and storming off. I told them I am just going to start leaving stuff in my partner’s closet. His mother told me she cries all the time because of the dog destroying things she loves constantly.
She didn’t offer to replace it but I have decided to just let it go because I don’t like asking people for things. I think things ended well. I can kind of tell they aren’t used to having an emotional person like myself around, so I am going to try to start practicing patience.”
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like this is more about him laughing at your distress than the item being destroyed.
He invalidated your feelings and when you said so, he doubled down on it. I’m sorry OP, I know that stings.
You kept the book on a high-up table so the dog could not get to it but the dog still managed to destroy yet another item of yours. From your perspective, nobody cared. It sounds like you just want people to care about your feelings OP.
Please tell me if I’m off the mark on that.
I will say NTJ and here is why:
It would have been ‘no jerks here’ if he had regarded your feelings after you told him you didn’t like him laughing at your distress.
He didn’t do that, he doubled down like so many young people do. It seems pride over everyone else is what drives some folks.
Yelling doesn’t solve anything but that’s part of growing up, learning how to resolve conflict in a healthy way.
Is it a little dramatic to cry? Sure, it can be but when you have a mental illness, that can really impact you. I cry a lot more when I’m having a mental health crisis. You are in therapy to address this though, so you are working to make this better.
You were hurt and instead of escalating things further (the yelling), you tried to remove yourself from the situation. When you did that, he and his mom both invalidated you and your feelings again. That makes them jerks at that point.
It might be a good idea to work with your therapist on communication strategies for when you are feeling overwhelmed and invalidated. Come up with a plan and then stick to that. It really does help, OP.
As for leaving things at his parents’ home.
Don’t. It’s that simple. You know their dog is not trained, they destroy things, and the parents and your partner won’t replace the items their dog destroys.
I get not wanting to leave things in a car, but if you put them in the trunk or under the seat, theft is less likely.
Usually, they go for cars that have things out in the open for them to see. It’s more risky to just break in and hope for goods to steal. Please don’t take this as it was your fault, it wasn’t.
The dog is blameless too because it’s a dog, they need owners to train them to not destroy everything. I have a boxer and boy they can be destructive. Never touch our shoes but love my friend’s shoes, so if he eats them, we replace them.
It’s part of owning a dog, in my opinion.” CuriousPenguinSocks
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I hate to be that person but YOU have a car and YOU left the book in a place where you know there is a dog who likes to destroy your things
Yes, your partner is a jerk for the immature way he is handling all of this.
But you own some of the blame for this mishap for leaving the book in the first place instead of putting it in your car or taking it with you.
You should know by now not to leave anything near that dog… much less something you claim you were going to cherish.
It’s ok to be upset with your partner for him laughing at you and not seeing how big of a deal this was.
It’s also ok to be upset with his parents and how they didn’t take responsibility for their animal. They 100% should have been apologetic and offered to buy a new one.
But at the same time, you need to take responsibility for leaving the book in the first place when you know there is a destructive animal and humans who don’t take any responsibility for what the dog destroys.” The__Riker__Maneuver
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. You were excited that your partner did something meaningful. Honestly, the level of excitement there makes it seem like he doesn’t often do that.
His parents cannot be bothered to give their dog basic training.
HE LAUGHED AT YOU FOR BEING UPSET. It’s ok that you are emotional. I’m as well.
You left the book on the table, who cares. Any compassionate person would offer to get a new one and comfort you for being upset, which meant a lot to you, was ruined.
Talk to your partner. And if he cannot understand why you’re upset by him laughing at you there, seriously consider breaking up. My partner would also not understand why I’d be upset in that scenario. But they would never ever mock me for it.” p14gu3
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but you suck a little less than everyone else in the story. If you already know the house contains a dog that is allowed to chew and has damaged other property of yours, you could have taken responsibility and put anything you were leaving there somewhere that the dog couldn’t reach it, or just brought the book with you on your date night.
It isn’t your home that your partner’s parents brought their chewing dog to visit, it’s their home where their chewing dog lives. They have made the choice to allow the dog to destroy whatever it wants in their home, so it’s now your job not to leave anything accessible to the dog that you don’t want to be chewed.
On the other hand, your partner sucks for laughing at you when you were crying, and both he and the parents suck for not offering to replace the book. If it’s ‘just a $20 book’ it doesn’t matter, then if $20 is no big deal to them, either your partner or the parents could easily have offered to replace it.
Think carefully before getting very serious with this guy if you want kids in the future, I would be wary of what he may have learned from his parents that would apply to parenting human beings. If they’re this permissive with the dog it’s worth taking a hard look at whether these are people you would want as grandparents for your children.
They might turn them into little unholy terrors (even more so than normal grandparents do).” Boysenberry
3. AITJ For Not Letting My Friend Win?
“I (26F) have been friends (27F, who I’ll call Bre) for 13 years.
Bre and I were never close but we ran in the same group. One thing about her is that she’s competitive, and not in a fun way. One time she ‘accidentally’ dropped my entire block of clue sheets from clue into the toilet after she lost. So now let’s go to last weekend.
I had a Halloween party, my turnout was around 34 people. We had 3 events planned and each event came with a prize. A costume contest, bobbing for apples, and Trivia.
Trivia – I saw her google answers. I had asked more than once for everyone to put phones away because it ruins all the fun.
I called her out directly and she put the phone away. She complained the rest of the night that the party guest who won must have been given the answers.
Apples – she had her husband do it because she didn’t want to ruin her makeup but got mad she couldn’t ‘help by using her hands’ on the sidelines even though she wouldn’t let anyone else do that.
Costume – The way we did it was we put out sheets of paper at a table and when people had time put sheets in a box with the costume they liked the most. Bre talked about how cute it would be if her kid won the costume contest most of the night, but she didn’t bring the kid.
She just showed pictures of her child dressed in costume.
I laid out about 40 pieces of paper before the party next to the box, Halfway through the party, a guest told me we were out of paper and I assumed that since they were smaller pieces they either fell on the floor or got mistaken as trash or something.
I put out more. Upon counting, there were 38 votes were for Bre’s child, which was more than my turnout. I decided to discard every one of them and give the prize to the person who had the second most votes.
Bre wasted no time walking up to me annoyed.
She BLEW up on me. She called me a try-hard, witch, unsympathetic, etc before storming out. When I told my friends what happened, they asked me why I took it so seriously.
They told me that Bre was cut off financially from her dad and was struggling with bills. They told me Bre was dealing with a lot on her plate that she’s never experienced before and could use a ‘win’.
I rebutted that she’s an adult and adults don’t have to communicate and react like that at a party but my friends don’t think I should have used my party as a ‘gotcha’ and could have just let her have one.
After all, I was going out of my way to make sure she didn’t win. While I’ll admit I did take some joy in not letting her have something because of how she acts, I was mostly doing it because I thought her way was running it for the rest of the guests.
AITJ for not letting her win?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I think Bre is missing the point of games.
They’re supposed to be fun.
If you can’t laugh at your (incorrect) trivia answers, you’re doing it wrong.
If you aren’t finding your friends attempting to bob for apples absolutely hilarious, you’re doing it wrong. If you need your absent child to win a costume contest… maybe you need to talk to someone.
You didn’t start off or actively go out of your way to sabotage her.
You just chose not to ignore her (very obvious) attempts at manipulating the games. Overall, I’d say you were a pretty good sport about it, especially when compared to her adult tantrum.” endearinglysarcastic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but OP, Bre sounds insufferable.
If she can’t function cut off from Daddy’s money so much that she has to be dishonest to win a party game, she’s not mature and her losing her mind isn’t impressive. And since you brought up the tantrum she threw when she lost Clue previously, this isn’t her having a bad time, this is just her.
It’s time to phase Bre out of the friends group. This may mean some people (the ones ready to wipe her butt for her) go too. Let them.
It will be a smaller, but more fun party next time.” NerdySwampWitch40
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She has a nasty habit of being ultra-competitive, to the extent that she’ll break the rules to win. Even if it’s a just-for-fun game.
Instead of saying I have a rough time and need help, she was again dishonest to win.
And when you rightfully threw out her results of dishonesty, she got upset with you for it.
You did the right thing. She needs to learn both to communicate like an adult and not to be doing shady stuff to win.” bmyst70
2. WIBTJ If I Don't Take My Partner To Work?
“My partner and I have been together for 8 years, and she doesn’t drive, she never has. It wasn’t a big deal when we were living in an area that was fairly walkable, but a year ago we moved and she needed a ride to work in the morning and a ride home in the evening (usually I’d pick her up for lunch in the middle too).
My job was fully remote when we moved here so I was able to fit my work day around her schedule. That position was terminated in the summer so I’ve been unemployed and only playing chauffeur for the past two months.
The time has come for me to get a job and get back to finding fulfillment in my days. I told her on October 3rd that starting November 1st she needed to have her own way to work, so I can do my own thing.
I started suggesting many methods she could look into but she gave me the ‘don’t Infantilize me look’ so I dropped it. In the middle of the month, I reminded her of the Nov 1 deadline and she said ‘I know’ and asked if we could practice her driving which we did.
Nov 1 is next week and this morning I followed up with her and she still doesn’t have a plan for how she’s getting to work. She’d hoped to get get a car and be able to drive herself but that’s not going to be possible.
Would I be the jerk if I stay firm and don’t get up to take her Tuesday morning?
Edit: She has her license but doesn’t currently drive because it makes her extremely anxious.
I don’t have a job lined up because I don’t want to get an offer only to have to tell them I can’t start yet because of this.
I also want to be available to her while she’s starting this so if there’s an emergency/anxiety attack/missed bus stop I can go help. If I wait until I’m working she’s really just on her own.
We still split the expenses 50/50 (severance pay is a beautiful thing).
Her job was remote previously too. She got this job and we moved here to be close to it. We live about 1.5 miles away currently (the closest option we could find) but it’s rough walking terrain.
I suggested carpooling, bus, bikes, and Uber as options previously.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she needs to be babied in this instance – while she gives you the don’t treat me like a baby attitude! You both need to communicate more though because that may be the issue here.
I am concerned about her driving ability though if she hasn’t been practicing much – and does she have a license or an appointment to get one this week?
Part of having a job is getting yourself to that job and then back home – hold her to this.
Get her a bus schedule, and set up uber on her phone there are many alternatives to buying a car this weekend and getting insurance and a license. You running back and forth is a waste of fuel too.” MsJamieFast
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I do think you can push this back until you actually find a job.
You have been clear the deadline is looming, and you are perfectly reasonable in not wanting to take her once you have a job.
But, just as you haven’t been able to find a job yet, she has also put off doing what she needs to do, so for the sake of partnership, why stick to an arbitrary deadline? You can let her know that as soon as you find a job, she is fully on her own, and so it may be sudden, and that’s on her.
And of course, if you are tired of driving her or have interviews, you can also decline.
My suggestion would be to tell her to take your car to work on November 1st, if you don’t need it, as a way for her to test herself.
Then build from there and as soon as you get a job, you are done driving her/letting her have your car.
I write these suggestions because while you are NTJ, I am assuming you love and value your partner and want to maintain a healthy relationship.
So, while your deadline isn’t wrong and you gave her plenty of time to figure it out, most of us have stared down reality and pretended it isn’t there and flexibility is one of the keys to successful partnerships.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Don’t get up on Tuesday morning. Then watch what happens.
If on Tuesday morning, she deals with the deadline somehow, then it’s not a problem, amirite?
But if she insists that you take her anyway, then you have two options.
You can fold, and take her. She will have learned that her experiment succeeded: she can deal with deadlines by just blowing them off and knowing that you’ll fold.
You can stand firm. She will have learned that she can’t deal with deadlines that way.
Either you and she can make significant headway on her problem, or your eight-year-old relationship will blow up. If it blows up, that’s better than you picking alternative (1), in my opinion.” b1lllevansatmariposa
1. AITJ For Not Believing My Fiancé's Mom Is Shy?
“I’ve been going out with ‘Matt’ for 3 years and I have no doubt he is the one for me. He recently proposed, and everything is perfect except for his rude mom. I don’t think she likes me. I wouldn’t really know as she pretends I don’t exist.
Matt has talked to her multiple times, and she just makes it about how much she hates small talk and how socializing is awful for her. She says we are too demanding and she isn’t doing anything so why can’t we leave her alone?
She makes faces when she has to include me in things and has made a few snarky comments, but the biggest issue is by far the ignoring me.
As a result, we don’t spend much time with them and she has complained we are punishing her for being shy.
Her husband has pulled us aside and told us how she really is shy and we are being mean. Anyway, our families met for the first time last night and it came up how you met your spouse.
MIL’s husband said she used to work for him and she was the worst secretary ever like he would ask her to do something and she would just say no. Then one day his fiancee stopped by and when she left MIL walked over to him and said that his fiancee was boring and he should marry her instead, and that was the moment he knew he had to marry her.
Honestly, this annoyed me because I know people who are genuinely shy and there is no way they would pull that. To me that is the opposite of shy, so I called them out. I said I thought she was shy.
MIL laughed and said she was broke from her divorce and had a young child to feed and there was no time to be shy. Her husband still tried to say she is shy in social situations but that is ‘different’.
I said sorry no that is not how it works, but thanks for telling that story and confirming that she is not shy. Now I will expect a normal level of interaction and politeness, or we will cut contact even further because she is clearly capable of speaking.
Matt backed me but MIL called me entitled and ridiculous and her husband is mad. He said I can’t possibly compare their relationship to my relationship with her and that I am a bully and trying to ruin Matt’s family.
Matt and my parents totally backed me, but MIL, her husband, and their two bio kids are mad.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Maybe you are right and she isn’t shy, she’s just trying to be civil rather than out that she doesn’t enjoy your company.
Maybe you are wrong and you are forming a judgment (an incorrect one at that), demanding how she should behave and ultimately making her uncomfortable.
Either way, this approach doesn’t seem effective for building a relationship, and calling her out on a story with a completely different context comes across as confrontational and passive-aggressive.
I definitely would opt to be shy in this situation.” Scottytbh
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I mean, your MIL is clearly incredibly rude, to you, and in that story, but you don’t get to demand people interact with and like you either, or to dictate whether she is shy or not.
People can be rude AND shy. It’s possible.
A MIL who doesn’t constantly harass you is most people’s dream. Just let her get on with her life and enjoy yours. She’s making her own bed, let her lie in it, and realize not having any relationship with you means no place in your future family.” Accomplished-Cheek59
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Sorry, that’s not how it works.
You don’t get to tell everyone what it means to have their feelings and mindset. She’s not noting it wrong because according to you she once acted in contradiction to her shyness.
Even if you were correct, you were a pompous jerk to try to dictate how your interactions will go in the future. I feel sorry for your husband that you don’t consider the rock and hard place you put him between over-imagined slights.
There are many ways different people are shy or introverted, and that doesn’t mean there are never times when they have the nerve to say what’s important to them.” ScarletDarkstar
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Even if the MIL is not having in-depth conversations with you, she should at least be polite.
If she can make snarky comments towards you, she can engage in the most basic pleasantries. Or at the least not make faces at you.
That said you don’t get to dictate whether someone is shy or not based on a single story.
People do things that are out of character for themselves all the time. And shyness isn’t all or nothing. Saying ‘no’ to a boss or asking him to marry you are very different than engaging in small talk with people.” Charming-Barnacle-15
I'm sorry it didn't work out. That happens. I'm proud of you for taking the kids. Hope it works out.