People Get Insecure In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
20. AITJ For Asking My Landlord To Give Notice Before Entering Our Rented Basement?
“I want to begin by describing my relationship with my landlord. I’ve been renting a basement with my roommate for about two years now, and our landlord lives upstairs. From the moment we moved in, the landlord (a married couple) always expressed their desire to treat us like family.
Over the two years, they’ve invited us to events and occasionally asked for help with small chores like setting up chairs or BBQs for family gatherings. Naturally, we’ve become quite friendly. The husband consistently encourages us to come upstairs if we ever need help or someone to talk to, to the extent that he leaves the door connecting upstairs and downstairs unlocked. I’ve never asked them to do that, nor have I ever gone through the unlocked door without their permission.
Fast forward to now, our lease is ending, and I’m moving to a small town with my partner for her school. Last week, we had some plumbing issues. Yesterday, while my partner and I were at home talking, we heard a knock on the door, followed by the sound of someone entering our kitchen/living room.
Initially, we thought it was my roommate until I received a call from my landlord. When I came out of my room, I found my landlord in the dark with his flashlight, and the entry door wide open.
He said he needed me to turn on the sink for the plumber.
While I started to turn the water on, I was a bit bothered that he came in without any notice. So, I kindly asked if it would be possible to have a heads-up next time before entering the house. I also reiterated that I would never open their door or go upstairs without their permission.
I tried to explain my perspective, emphasizing that I always call, text, and knock. If there’s no answer, I simply leave and try again later. However, he became furious and exclaimed, “Wait, this bothers you? Me being in my own house?” He then rushed outside and started shouting at me, saying, “I thought we were family, but I guess I was wrong,” and “How dare you accuse me of such a thing?
I know the legal rules; I would never do that.” He claimed he only touched the handle and the door opened a tiny crack, barely enough to enter.
However, my partner and I heard him enter, and when he heard me come out of my room, he ran outside without closing the door, leaving it wide open.
Despite this, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and even apologized, considering our relationship. I went for a hug and reassured him that it was not a big deal, but he didn’t accept my apologies and even shrugged me away.
Afterward, I texted my roommate and told him about the situation.
The next day, my roommate responded with a passive-aggressive text, stating that I’m the only person in the neighborhood who has managed to make him mad and get yelled at and that there’s probably a common denominator if everybody gets along with him except me.
AITJ for asking for a little head up before he comes in the house?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your landlord are weird. Renting out your basement to someone does not make you anything close to family. Also, aren’t landlords legally required to give 24-hour notice before entering any residence with a separate, locking entrance from their own, or is that not a thing in your country?” ThinkingInfestation
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That’s basic landlord/tenant boundaries unless there’s an emergency. Your landlord might have been offended because of your close relationship, but you were right. The landlord should have apologized. Not sure what’s up with your roommate’s attitude.” napsrule321
19. AITJ For Enrolling In A University Far Away From My Family?
“I took a gap year to raise funds for myself as they are not providing any financial aid further for my education. And I understand. I am not entitled to a college fund.
With this in mind, we started an agreement in September 2023 that to remain in residence at their home, I would start up at a community college in September 2024, but I misunderstood the deadline to register for classes, and could not find a spot available in any class I needed to take even after the drop date.
My mother’s heated response was, “This is why you are not an adult.” Which I believe is about the learning disabilities that I was diagnosed with in elementary school.
From the last week of September 2023 to just 2 weeks ago, I was employed at a fast-food restaurant and rose to management in December 2023, but recently quit after the owner of the establishment made very inappropriate advances for a married and pushed 70, EMPLOYER.
Connect the dots.
My father does not believe that this happened, and since this, has pushed the narrative in the house that I am “A lazy, spoiled jerk.” due to now being unemployed but actively seeking a job, but not in school. Unfortunately, my father struggles with very intense periods of PTSD-induced rage as a result of his service in Iraq as a captain in the US Army, and I am now the sole target of it.
I try to be understanding of my father, even when he screams at me until his face is red, as I know he only went to Iraq to pay for my hospitalization as an infant, and the expensive medication I used to take at that time.
I will admit my mother is also in a difficult position between my father and I butting heads.
I will also respect her duty to her marriage but, she has taken my father’s side and claims that due to having a traveling job now, she “cannot be sure” if I tell the truth in sharing my perspective of the arguments I have with my father. I presented a conversation to my parents about moving out with my partner not too long ago.
My siblings must’ve overheard this conversation and are convinced history is repeating itself, as my older sister ran away on her 18th birthday with her s/o in the middle of the night and dropped out of high school as a result of her being off of medication for mental illness.
She is now safe but not at home.
My mother claims that I am a destructive force in her house due to the decline in relationships, and has openly stated she no longer wants me there, but will not have me move out with him.
After some discussion, the only route she approves is for me to attend a university associated with our religion.
I broke up with my very loving partner earlier today with a broken heart, to try and open up his life to possibilities of love and happiness from another woman who isn’t so complicated.
I am tired of the arguing but I feel like I am giving up.
AITJ For enrolling in a uni roughly 2000 miles away?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You pay for your education and you are 19 years old. There is no reason why you shouldn’t be able to do exactly what you want to do.
Your mom can ‘not let you move out. Considering the circumstances, you do need a bit of an escape plan, however. Make sure your finances are inaccessible to them. Make sure your passport and other important papers – and things you don’t want to lose – are gradually moving to a trusted friend for now.
Make sure your parents cannot mess with your credit. And pretend to prepare to go to the college they want for you.” Jocelyn-1973
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What this is all about is you have an abusive father who refuses to take accountability for his mental health issues and uses you as a convenient target to take out his anger and frustrations on.
You have an abusive and controlling mother who is still using what happened when you were young to guilt and control you. Your mom thinks she is the only one who gets a say in how you live your life. The very best things you can do is 1.
Make sure they are not on your bank account so they can’t touch your money. 2. Enroll in the college you want to attend. If they are not funding it, they only get an opinion, not a vote. 3. Make up with your BF. The reason you are ‘complicated’ is solely your parents and the way they treat you.
Get away from these two failures as parents and start cutting contact. They already chased one sister away with their mistreatment, they are working on you now. Please get away as soon as you can. They will drag you down as far as you let them.” WhereWeretheAdults
18. AITJ For Limiting My Brother-in-Law's Stay To Only Two Weeks?
“My husband (36M) and I (30F) are an immigrant family in New York City. My husband’s younger brother (32M) came to the US two years ago, even though I was against it. My MIL constantly complained about him, I knew that he was never able to keep a job, he partied a lot, was borrowing money and then my MIL had to settle his debts.
I was worried that if he came to the US he’d become our problem. I spoke to my husband about it, but he decided to help him anyway, partly because he wanted to remove his brother from their older mother.
So when he arrived, we helped him out.
I didn’t want him to live with us, so my husband found a cheap ($600/month) room for rent for him, we paid upfront for it, and bought him clothes, home goods, hygiene products, a new phone, etc. My husband also asked his friend to give him a job in construction.
We had him over for meals and holidays. We also lent him money when he asked for it, $100-200 here and there for the first 6 months, and then we told him it had to stop because we were experiencing some financial difficulties ourselves. Generally, I felt like we did our fair share in helping out an adult man.
So past two years he changed a few jobs, was mostly living paycheck to paycheck, and occasionally asked my husband for money. Meanwhile, I grew to really hate the guy. Everything about him annoys me. He makes me feel uncomfortable and every time he comes over or spends the night I find myself hiding out in the bedroom.
This fall he lost his job again but instead of looking for a new one, he spent three weeks doing nothing, then gave up his rental room and left to travel with his friend while collecting unemployment. Two days ago he called my husband and told him he’s coming back to NYC and wants to stay with us until he finds a job and his place.
My husband said okay and only then notified me that he might stay with us for a month or two. Well, I flipped. I yelled at my husband for enabling his brother, and then I called my brother-in-law and told him he could stay with us only for two weeks.
It was a harsh conversation, I told him that I think very little of him.
Now I feel very bad because I’m putting my husband in a difficult position of choosing between me and his brother. My hubby is a good man. He’s generous and he helps people, and I love him for that.
It’s hard for him to watch his younger brother fail. If we don’t take him in he’ll just become homeless. Of course, my husband doesn’t want that for his brother. And how would he explain it to their mom? I understand all that but given how uncomfortable he makes me feel, I won’t budge on two weeks ultimate.
From my experience with him, there’s little chance he’ll find accommodation in two weeks without a credit history or funds.
So, AITJ for not letting husband’s brother live with us for a month or two?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You will regret it until the end of your days if you let him stay with you for even one day.
He is responsible for his own life, no one else. You don’t have to explain *his* choices to his mother. You have a husband problem. He needs to put you first, not his brother.” CandylandCanada
Another User Comments:
“How will you get him to leave after 2 weeks?
What will change in 2 weeks? Will have a job? Housing??? I can tell you now that NOTHING WILL HAVE CHANGED, except he will have gotten comfortable living with you. It will be even harder for your husband to throw him out because he’ll be 2 weeks further into his life of idleness.
Buy him a ticket to go back home. Put him in touch with agencies that will help him find housing. Do NOT let him move in.” Snuffles2023
Another User Comments:
“This person is used to the fact that no matter what situation he is in there will always be someone to save him before it was his mother paying his debts now it is his brother first giving him a job, a place to live, and clothes, then his apartment so he can get back on his feet.
2 weeks” will not leave within that period, forget about that, he is very comfortable while others resolve their lives, this is your husband’s fault for spoiling him in that way and not taking you into account in a situation of that size, you chose him to live not to his brother, a minimal decision in the matter from the beginning was fair.” sosopandicornio1
17. AITJ For Threatening To Break A Promise Over Artistic Differences With My Friend?
“My friend Jay and I met in college, and we bonded over both writing plays. We live in a city with a really good semi-professional theater scene, and a lot of the smaller companies will occasionally open up submissions for new works. Sometimes Jay and I will submit our plays to the same companies, and we’ll read over each other’s writing, make suggestions, and generally support each other creatively.
Back when we were in college, we promised each other that we’d go see productions of each other’s works if it was remotely feasible. But we recently got into an argument where I threatened to go back on that promise if he didn’t stop talking about one of our major artistic differences.
The big artistic difference Jay and I have is that he thinks “new takes” on public domain works are lazy and boring with 0 exceptions, while I think that they can be interesting and sometimes write them. He always brings this up at the slightest opportunity.
I can usually either debate with him in a friendly way or let it roll off my back, but this time it turned into a whole thing.
There’s a yearly horror festival in our city, and we were discussing what we were planning on writing for the openings this year.
He talked about his ideas, then I mentioned that I was developing a take on Frankenstein. That was when he brought up his issues with plays like that again. I planned on letting the conversation move on, but then he made it personal.
Jay said that he wasn’t looking forward to seeing “another boring take on Frankenstein” if my submission got accepted. I tried to laugh it off, but he kept talking about how there are always too many derivative plays at this fest and that he’d hate being “made” to go to this one.
That hurt, to be honest. It’s not because he dislikes the concept I’ve been thinking about writing, but I hated that he was making it sound like I was forcing him into seeing my play when a) we don’t even know if either of our submissions will be accepted and b) the seeing each other’s work thing has always been mutual and supportive.
Even when either of us has been unenthusiastic about a play, it’s more about being friends than the work itself.
So I responded by telling him that he didn’t have to see it if he would really hate it that much. He was like no, he’d see it, but he wouldn’t pretend that it wasn’t a lazy play that I was only writing to get selected. I told him that unless he stopped putting down my work just because of an artistic difference we could just stop going to each other’s shows.
We kept arguing for a bit, but we were both just basically saying the same things over and over. This happened over the weekend, and since then he’s texted a couple of times, but we’re still in a stalemate basically. I’m starting to think I shouldn’t have made that ultimatum and just let it go like we both always have.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“I’d say NTJ, silence would be golden here for your friend. He’s allowed to have his opinion but I feel like a good friend would keep it to themselves in this situation and a better one wouldn’t completely write off your work because of a generalized opinion that frankly sounds kind of stuck up.
If he’s going to be all huffy and whiney of course you’re not going to want him there, you’d want someone who’s going to be happy for you and supportive- as you should!” Ms_Chaotic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If I made a pact-like this with a friend, it would be to show that I want to support this person as a friend and fellow artist who appreciates their work.
If you commit to such a pact, it is not to merely be a body in the audience. It is to show that you care. You don’t need to like it, but are willing to be supportive, because it was made by someone you care about.
To me, what he’s doing defeats the purpose of this pact you made. Saying he’d go just for the sake of promise, but still will treat your work as having no value is not support. And it is a bad look from a friend. Why would you want an audience like this?
If the premise displeases him so much that he’s not willing to come to see it with an open mind, then it makes no sense for him to be there at all.” definitelywitch
16. AITJ For Calling The Police On A Contractor Who Stole My Ladder?
“This story starts about half a year ago when my wife (32 f) and I (34 m) decided to renovate and sell our home. We did some research and found a guy from an inexpensive company who would repair our wood floors for about 150$ (let’s just call him Joe.) So, I hired him.
A couple of times he left his tools outside our house when he left for the day, so I told him not to do that. But a few days later, he left some of his tools again. It was due to rain that night, so I decided to put it in the shed for safekeeping.
Skip forward to about a week after the floors were finished. My cousin (33 m, let’s call him Jack.) and I were doing some work on the roof panels, but the ladder we were using was too short, so I headed for my shed to get the new $600 ladder I had bought a few months before.
For some reason, I couldn’t find it. I asked Jack if I had lent him the ladder, and he said no. We had to climb on the roof to get to the higher panels.
Two days ago, I decided to take my wife and kids to the mall.
When we arrived, I saw Joe, so I went over to say hi to him. We were engaged in a nice conversation when I noticed my ladder on Joe’s truck. I tried not to mention it but after a while, I couldn’t help but point out, “Hey Joe, I notice you’ve got my ladder on your truck.
You didn’t tell me you were going to use it.”
Joe’s smile disappeared. “Your ladder? I don’t have your ladder.” I said, “Well, my ladder went missing a few months ago, and that one sure looks like it.” Joe’s face flushed. “What makes you so sure it’s yours?” His voice was raised, and some people were glancing towards us.
“Because it has my name on it,” I countered, gesturing towards the paint. “I would appreciate it if you gave it back to me because I need it at the moment.”
Joe started shouting random nonsense at me. “Can you please tell me why you took my ladder, though?” I said.
Joe replied something like, “You know why! You stole one of my ladders and took my benches! You stole from me first!” Remember what I said in the first paragraph? I calmly explained what happened and asked him to follow me to my house so he could return the ladder.
When we arrived, I gave him his items and asked him, “Can I have the ladder now?” Joe started untying the ladder.
Suddenly, when he was halfway through, he stopped. “You want your ladder? Where’s the money?” Joe started asking. “What money?” I asked. I knew I didn’t owe him, because I had the transaction records stored on my computer.
He didn’t respond, however, and instead, repeated, “Where’s the money? Where’s the money?” At this point, I promptly pulled out my phone and called the police. I told the police what happened from the safety of my car, while Joe was yelling and banging on the hood.
Joe quickly untied the ladder and fled, but I had snapped a photo of his Number Plate. When the police arrived, I decided to file a report but didn’t press charges. Needless to say, we didn’t go to the mall that day.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – The whole situation says a lot about Joe’s character. At some point he will have to face the consequences of his actions, it would be better for this to happen now than later on. It could be that he does the same thing he did to you with someone else and that person doesn’t have as much patience and the whole situation could end in tragedy.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Why should Joe be allowed to steal without consequence? He knew he was paid and he knew he had your ladder. If he thought you hadn’t paid or that the ladder was rightfully his, he would have welcomed the call to the police.” Pleasant_Test_6088
15. AITJ For Wanting To Ban Homophobic Cousins From My Mother's Memorial Service?
“Would I (mid-50s M) be the jerk if I banned two of my cousins from attending my mother’s memorial service?
My dad passed away when I was 9, and my mom never remarried. I am an only child, as was my father. My mother had four siblings, and I have fifteen surviving cousins on that side, so it’s a good-sized extended family (with a lot of history and some drama).
I’m one of the youngest cousins, and I’m only in regular contact with 3 cousins and my surviving aunt. The significant age differences and growing up/living far apart contributed to this.
My relationship with my mom was good for the most part, but it was strained for a couple of years in the early 90s when I came out as gay.
She never rejected me, but was very concerned that I would die young (this was during the AIDS epidemic, before HIV became manageable), and also worried about what others would think of us. We worked through it, and have done well ever since. (I think that she liked my husband of 28 years more than me sometimes!
🙂 )
One of my uncles, his wife, and their kids (all Southern Baptists) reacted badly when they found out that I am gay. I know my uncle gave her a really hard time for a while until she and my grandmother told him to mind his own business.
He never brought it up with her, but he also avoided me at family gatherings and never spoke to me again.
His kids (my cousins “Janet” and “Brad”) didn’t let it drop, however, and would frequently make bigoted comments in my presence, or about me to other family members.
A memorable one was when Janet told me that it was “nice that my mother had forgiven me for my lifestyle choices”. I made contact with them about 20 years ago. My mother didn’t have much contact with them after her brother passed, either… the last one I know of was 7 years ago when Brad asked her for money to help bail out his son (who had violated a restraining order and damaged his ex-partner’s car).
My mom passed away in January. We held a small graveside interment service, and are planning a memorial service to be held in March (when my frail aunt can attend). Last weekend I found out through the family grapevine that Janet, Brad, and several of their children are going to attend the service.
I think someone told Janet that my mother left some family keepsakes to my cousins in her will. (She did leave things to her sister and several of my cousins, just not to either of them.)
I honestly cannot stand the sight of either of them, and I don’t know any of their children at all.
It seems that they are coming for their benefit, not to mourn. I just don’t want to deal with them and want to ban them from attending the memorial service.
My husband and close friends support me in this, but my cousins think I should deal with it for one day and ignore them.
Would I be the jerk if I told them not to come, and asked the funeral director to keep them out?”
Another User Comments:
“You would not be the jerk if you asked them not to come to the service, IMO. It doesn’t sound like they had any meaningful or recent contact with your mother and I can’t imagine they would contribute anything useful to the day.
I half wonder if the only reason they want to come is to see if she left them anything anyway. I don’t see any reason why you should have to endure the potential rude comments that could ruin the event.” SquishyBeth77
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk.
They look down upon you for your choice of spouse and look down upon your late mother for continuing to love her gay child. After they’re uninvited they will complain, just remind them (and the family members that contact you on their behalf) that they can still visit her grave at a huge variety of dates and times, just not during the memorial service.” shesinsaneornot
Another User Comments:
“Ask one of your other cousins to tell them not to come and that they weren’t in the will and since they’ve shown they cannot act politely to you or your husband for them to stay away. My mom passed away last year I arranged it all had a small outdoor service where one sister and her daughter didn’t show and my brother didn’t speak one word to me.
My sister went on vacation which was more important than my mom since her last vacation had been 2 months earlier causing her to miss our BIL wake/funeral. Still settling mom’s “estate” and spilled no tears over who didn’t show for my mom.” Few_Disaster_5489
14. AITJ For Standing My Ground Against My Mom's Boundary Crossing Behavior?
“Reaching out for some insight/advice about this whole situation…buckle up, it’s a long one (I’ll do my best to summarize, but there’s a lot).
So my mom has always been an opinionated woman…she does mean well, has a heart of gold, and would do anything for the people she cares about…but her loud opinions and boundary-crossing have damaged a lot of her relationships.
My brother has had no contact with her for 7 years because she has said/done some terrible things to him and his wife which took a toll on their marriage.
Fast forward so many years later, and their marriage is solid and they have 3 children. Still no contact with my mom, and my brother seems genuinely happy.
Fast forward to tonight, I was telling my mom about this exciting opportunity that my daughter has to join a UPK3 program.
When she found out what part of town this would be in, she lost it telling me that I was nuts and that it was a terrible location and all of that. She then criticized me for wanting to have my daughter be in a UPK program because she’s still a toddler and needs to play (I agree, but I’m a school counselor trained in child development and know that UPK is not all work and no play.
They engage in play but have more structure and learn more routines). The daycare my daughter goes to is merely just a place to babysit children because there are only so many staff members.
I told my mom that she was making me feel like a bad mom for going off on me about this UPK program like she did.
She didn’t understand why but was triggered by my words because apparently, my brother’s wife told her that before. She then freaked out some more and then it got to the point where she brought up my grandmother’s services.
Background info: My grandmother (dad’s side, family as my dad and mom have been divorced since I was 10) died last month.
We had her services and my brother, his wife, and 3 children showed up. During the argument tonight, my mom blasted me for not comforting her when she was upset about my brother and his children being there…I told her that I was there for my grandmother and not there to be in charge of her or anyone else’s feelings related to the situation with my brother.
I told her it wasn’t about her and she was making it about herself when it should have been about my grandmother.
She told me that any decent human being with feelings would have comforted her instead of ignoring her “the way that I did.” She also told me that she’s tired of me saying “It’s not about you” when she tries to make any event that has my brother involved about her (my baby shower, daughter’s 1st birthday, her baptism, etc).
I don’t know what more to do but keep putting these boundaries down. I don’t talk to my mom about my brother, and I don’t talk to my brother about her. She used to demand pictures of my brother’s children from me because I’m “the only link she has to them.” I refuse time and time again and try to keep myself out of it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But if it’s not about your mother (and everybody on earth but your mother agrees that it’s not about her), then stop giving your mother opportunities to make it about her, because any time you have a situation in which your brother (and his family) and your mother are going to be in the same space, your mother is going to make it about her.
Seriously, the absolute audacity of a woman showing up at the funeral of her ex-spouse’s mother, and then expecting her grieving daughter to comfort her because her grieving son was also there, being upset that the grieving children were too busy grieving to pay attention to her complete nonsense…” YellowBeastJeep
Another User Comments:
“Njh, you’re not the jerk at all. It sounds like you handled that situation with your mom pretty well, considering how intense it got. Setting boundaries is important, especially when someone’s trying to make everything about them. Your mom’s behavior was pretty unfair, especially bringing up your grandmother’s services like that.
Understandably, you want to keep your relationship with your brother separate from all that drama. Keep sticking to your boundaries and looking out for your well-being. You’re doing the right thing.” Open_Equal_1515
13. AITJ For Refusing To Hear About My Friend's Sorority Problems Anymore?
“I (34F) have been friends with “Nat” (34F) since we were six years old. I adore her, but to put it nicely, she is the living embodiment of a “sweet summer child”. She has always been pretty oblivious, too trusting, and naive.
Unfortunately, she’s also pretty dorky (no shade to dorks/nerds/dweebs/geeks, I am pretty dorky myself), but all that means is that she never knew when people were using her or making fun of her. Growing up, I and the rest of my friend group, were very protective of her and tried to stand up for her as best we could when other kids were jerks.
Once we graduated from high school, we ended up going to different universities but stayed in touch as much as possible. Another thing about Nat is that she bought into all the clichés of what college should be, so she rushed to the sorority as quickly as possible.
That’s when the calls from Natalie crying started. First, none of the sororities she rushed wanted her, so she was understandably upset, and I comforted her as best I could on the phone hundreds of miles away. Well, her school had a rule that everyone who rushed had to be accepted somewhere.
She eventually got into one of them, but the girls let her know that it was just because the school forced them to take her.
For the next 3 years, I was treated to upset, sometimes hours-long phone calls every time she was mistreated. Two examples that stood out amongst the countless incidents:
1. She wasn’t allowed to participate in recruiting events because all the girls were going to straighten their hair “to match”, and Nat wasn’t able to do that. She’s white, but she has very textured hair (somewhere between 3C and 4A). The black members were allowed to sport their natural hair.
2. Despite literally begging, she was denied a “little sister”, because there weren’t enough. Some of the other sisters have two
I’d let her vent, and then when she’d ask for my advice on what she could do to make them accept her, I’d tell her the same thing.
These girls were bullies, not worth her time, and nothing she could do or say would make them accept her. Every time I’d get the same response. The girls were her friends, her sisters, the “sisterhood” would last once they all graduated, and I just wouldn’t understand because I wasn’t in a sorority.
That was true, I just joined other school activities.
It became an endless cycle, her upset, asking for advice, me saying the same thing, and her never taking it. Eventually, I had enough and told her she could come to me for any other problem, but I didn’t want to hear about her sorority again unless she was going to tell me she quit.
She got mad but never brought up the sorority again. It’s been years, but whenever we get a chance to get together (we live in separate states now), she brings up how I was “mean” when she just needed advice. Now I wonder, maybe I was the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ No one wants to hear someone complain about their burned finger from touching the stove all the time. You told her to stop touching the stove. That’s the kindest advice you could give. After that, listening to her complain about finger burns all the time doesn’t help her at all, it just allows her to vent stress *instead* of fixing the actual problem.
Some people don’t want to hear that listening to them vent can be a form of enabling and that listening isn’t always the answer, or the kindest thing to do. Sometimes the complainer deals with the actual problem through the short-term band-aid solution of venting.” kurokomainu
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I’ve learned to cut people off when they repeatedly vent about an issue but never seek to resolve it. Change the situation or be quiet. No one wants to hear it. Maybe just reiterate to her as a joke that you had to put in place a “no sorority talk” rule for a reason and it’s still in place hahaha…..quick subject change.
Just keep changing the subject when she brings it up. If she pushes it or doesn’t take the hint, push back once and for all ” OK, I did care, but let’s be honest. You called to vent, you cried, you got upset, and yet you refused to change or take on any advice about the way those people treated you.
I watched and listened to you allow yourself to be treated with total disrespect and barely tolerated. You made those choices, and I could only hear about it for so long before I couldn’t. I’m not a counselor, and there was nothing more I could do for you.
I wasn’t mean, I was honest that I couldn’t hear about someone very close to me willingly allowing herself to be bullied.” Let her process that…..” JaJaJatotheLa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She decided to live someplace where she was explicitly not wanted. Then she experienced the consequences of that decision by having to live with awful people who didn’t like her.
You gave good feedback at the time. If she is still that resentful of you, it may be time for more feedback.” srslytho1979
12. AITJ For Taking My Mom's Frequent 'You're Fired' Seriously And Not Returning To Work?
“On Tuesday, my mom(60) dismissed me(26) and told me to go home.
I said that I’d finish the shift and then conclude my employment there. However, she enjoys doing whatever she can to hurt/anger/put me down. And she dismisses me often as a tactic, then just expects me to come in. I’ve recently told her I didn’t want to take part in these antics, and that I’d take her at face value.
Since Tuesday, she’s texted with unrelated restaurant questions. I usually work at 5:30, so before, I texted to say since I hadn’t heard anything, my understanding is that I am truly dismissed. She replied that she never dismissed me.. essentially I’m a jerk and she’s angry.
AITJ?
Background: My mom loves to use words to hurt, manipulate, and control, my sister and me. I’m a massive people pleaser with confrontationphobia. She oftentimes says some of the harshest, judgmental, off-based things to try and break me down, or stop arguing back, and/or deflect.
To summarize, it’s super toxic, I hate it, and yet I still love her. I’m trying(sometimes. I still have my angsty child moments) so hard to try and set a better standard of relationship for us. So about a week ago, I messaged her this extremely long, heartfelt letter, just talking to her about how I wished she would adjust the way that she spoke about some things and expressed her opinions.
I would like it if our interactions didn’t have to be so contentious and stressful. Stop manipulating. No fake threats etc.
So often she dismisses me when I disagree, or would like to be treated a certain way, or have a set schedule. And I always just come right back because she says it in anger, and the expectation is to just show up, once she’s calm again.
Words were exchanged and I admittedly said I didn’t care enough to analyze if every order was profitable because she doesn’t respect the effort I make at the restaurant, so I would rather just limit my work to a general employee. She said, “If you don’t care, you’re dismissed go home.
Don’t come back. I will work on my own. “
She works long hours and I’m the only other person who can do our job. I know she’s tired and I feel like a jerk. The guilt is crazy, I feel like a jerk, and I keep thinking I should just get over it and go in.
When I texted her, she immediately said that “she never dismissed me.” She also said that I wasn’t being very nice. I told her she had two days to tell me I wasn’t dismissed, then I referenced the stuff in the letter.
I feel that since she had two days to address it and take back the dismissal, and since she texted me two different times to talk about business-related things, she could have just said you’re not dismissed See you at 5:30 or whatever.
I don’t want to take part in these weird manipulation tactics- if that’s even what they are. I’ve been so burnt out. Just trying to hang on until I can find a decent replacement.
I hope I did a good job of explaining it and appreciate anyone’s honest thoughts.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but do you have to continue working there? Is it possible for you to get a job somewhere else and take the employer/employee relationship out of your mother/child relationship? I can’t imagine working for someone who is that casually cruel in how they speak to an employee.
I’m 66. She’ll be just fine working on her own for a while. She can either hire someone to take your place, or change how she treats you if she needs you to be there.” Owned_By_3_Kittehs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is unstable and verbally abusive.
She has dismissed you MULTIPLE times? You’re dismissed. That means you don’t work there anymore. In this day and age, I’m sure you can find a new job with a much better boss. She will have to find other help, and good luck with that one because nobody but her child would have put up with her as long as you have.” ElmLane62
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom sounds exactly like mine. There’s only so much of that toxicity a person can take, and it’s past time she understands that her words have consequences. She dismissed you. You no longer have obligations to the restaurant. Put yourself first. Prioritize your life and your happiness, and let her deal with her business.
She said she’ll work alone, so, by all means, ~” clockstrikes91
11. AITJ For Confronting My SIL About Her Odd Behavior Around My Infertility Struggles?
“My husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost 2 years with no success. My SIL and I have been pretty close for several years and she’s been kept in a pretty close loop of what’s been going on. Even though she has a 2.5-year-old and a 7-month-old, she’s had issues TTC throughout the years as well and because of this, she can understand how discouraged I might be feeling at times.
For the past while recently, things have just been feeling a bit off between her and me.
She’s been a little overbearing,g to say the least. My SIL is constantly asking if I’ve tested and what the result of the test was. Even sometimes pushing things as far as to ask for a photo of my test so she can confirm.
She’s even getting in the way of that little quality time my husband and I have together. Before our days off even happen, she’s constantly trying to make plans and if I don’t answer fast enough, she will go to my husband to get an answer instead.
Since having her 7-month-old, she’s had 3 pregnancy scares, and each time this has happened, she’s asked me to borrow a pregnancy test so she could take it while we are hanging out. She also always seems comforted when it’s been negative.
A couple of weeks ago at my most recent doctor’s appointment, I found out I was being sent for a Laparoscopy to check for possible causes for my infertility.
I’m super stressed and nervous about and I mentioned this to my SIL.
That following weekend, she and I went to the movies and when she picked me up, she asked to use the washroom which I didn’t think much of at the time. One day the following week, I was emptying the garbage in the bathroom into another bag like I usually do to take out the trash and there was a clear blue wrapper.
No test, just the wrapper. I knew it wasn’t mine because although I have tests around, I don’t have that brand.
I knew it was hers and right off the bat, I was a little bit upset about it. I can’t help but think that maybe she’s messing with me by doing this.
I brought it up to my husband and even he seemed to think it was odd.
I confronted her about it just asking if she was pregnant because I was curious and her reply made me a bit more upset than I was before. She replied laughing saying no and that I must have found the wrapper.
She said she meant to tell me but forgot and that she only tested because she tests once a month just to be sure and wanted to test before we went out.
All of this still doesn’t add up. Why did she need to test at my house if she only tests once a month, there are at least 29 other days in the month she could have tested. And to test before going to the movies where no booze is served seems to be a stretch to me.
I also found it weird the test was taken but the wrapper was left behind.”
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, she messing with you. She tests once a month but it always seems to happen when you’re with her. She’s always trying to make plans to potentially interfere with your intimate time with your husband.
I would say talk to your husband and see if you two can take a step back not LC just give yourselves a reset. Like 30 days with an info diet. Just say you needed time to destress together with everything going on. NTJ” jubilees
Another User Comments:
“From what I gather from your post, things started feeling a bit off after her last child was born and now she’s almost obsessed with your pregnancy status as well as her own? The behavior you describe sounds a bit weird, especially if she wasn’t like this before her child was born.
Did she have post-partum depression with either of her children? The behavior could be from that. If she’s done a complete 180 from how she was before, I’d be gently exploring what is going on with her and suggesting a trip to a therapist.” cordelia1955
10. AITJ For Creating A Conlang Inspired By A Classmate's Work?
“I (15m) recently changed some of my high-school courses around, which led me into an art class with pretty much all new people.
I’m generally a pretty shy person, so I felt pretty lucky to have found a few people to talk to, notably Kylie (15f) who is the friend in the title, and her friend Jack (15m).
One day, I saw Kylie working on something with a few people huddled around her; it was a conlang (constructed language) that she had started making.
I was really interested in it, as I’ve always loved geography, languages, and reading, and for some reason, I had never put it together that they could all connect in that way. She was happy to show me some of it, and then she kept on with her art assignment as did I.
When I came home, I made myself something to eat and then spent the next hour or so searching up conlangs and how they work, and I was determined to make something to show. I ended up making something simple and I brought it to school the next day.
To my surprise, when I showed Kylie the next day, she looked a little confused and asked where this all came from. I said that I liked what she made and I wanted to make something myself. I assumed that everything was okay, and I went back to work.
That evening, I found some Instagram messages from Jack, who said “Dude it’s not cool that you copied Kylie, she put a lot of work into her conlang”. I tried to explain and said that I didn’t copy down or look at her sheet for anything more than inspiration, but he didn’t believe me and said that I should’ve just apologized and that I looked weird for doing it.
Ever since, Kylie, Jack, and her group of friends haven’t been talking to me and it’s gotten awkward.
Also, someone told a friend of a friend to me that Kylie thought I was being dishonest and that there’s no way that she could make a conlang and then I make one the very next day.
I sort of dug myself deeper by saying that I wouldn’t apologize for being inspired and that she shouldn’t gatekeep.
Here’s where I think I could be the jerk. Kylie’s conlang was indeed based on Cyrillic, and so was mine. So I can see how they would’ve thought that I copied her, but the truth is that I never took a photo / redrew her work on my paper or anything.
Also, I maybe shouldn’t have said that I won’t apologize just yet as I don’t really understand where she’s coming from since I pretty much just met her.
Plus, if this really did throw her off, I’d rather just talk with her about it, but so far I haven’t gotten any opportunities to since she’s always with her friends who dislike me now.
I texted a friend of mine and they said that it was suspicious of me to randomly come up with a similar conlang, and I’m starting to get their point with that. It’s been 3 days since I showed it to her.
Past that, I don’t know what to say.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and these other commenters have lost the plot. Yes, you’re allowed to engage in creative activities when you see someone else enjoying it. Find a conlang community to enjoy it with. I assure you they have a “gates open come on in” mentality.
This one girl and these commenters don’t speak for them. Please don’t lose your love of linguistics. It’s an exciting field right now but it’s fraught with old-world thinking and racism. We need passionate young minds like you. Hope to see you in r/indoeuropean one day telling us how wrong we are.
:D” bendybiznatch
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You for how you approached the situation and her for her reaction to it. I don’t blame her for thinking your work was an attempt to copy or one-up, especially as they’re based on the same language.
If you’d picked another maybe she wouldn’t have felt you copied her. Another factor is one-upmanship, you don’t say how long she worked on her conlang but for you to show up the next day (based on your description with a similar level of work) is it any wonder she might feel like you were trying to show her up by copying and overtaking her work?
That being said her reaction is over the top, although you’re both teens so I can see why this has become a drama like it has. Apologize to her. Say you never meant to hurt or upset her and would never have considered it truly was her work that inspired you to try for yourself and went a bit overboard.
Thank her for showing you, then ask her if she could give you some pointers, maybe share some of your sources with her, and ask if she’d use them. With luck, she’ll at least consider your apology and you can go back to being cordial to each other, but while you both think you’re in the right neither will back down.” ConfusionPossible590
9. AITJ For Wanting To Cut Contact With A Toxic Relative And Limiting Their Influence On My Child?
“So here is the situation. A relative regularly treats me like crap. Has been for years. They are rude, dismissive, and derogatory towards me in every situation and conversation that we have had over the years.
In their opinion, I am ALWAYS wrong, no matter what I say.
They ask me a question, I answer and the instant response is, “This is NOT about you. Stop making everything about YOU.” and they carry on. (My opinion on this is if they didn’t want to know my thoughts, why bother asking me?)
Their opinion is that the way I live is WRONG.
I shouldn’t do things the way I like, but the way that they think I should. If I don’t do things their way, they put me down, tell me how wrong and awful I am, and then punish me by calling me names or ignoring me when I try to talk to them, and so on.
I have heard/been to regularly that someone shows you by their actions and words how they feel about you; and that you should listen to that and respond accordingly. I decided that I wouldn’t bother trying to talk to this relative any longer because when I reach out, I am ignored.
I don’t ask them to do things with me any longer because of the same reason.
I was lectured by this relative and got a lot of toxic feedback dumped on my head because apparently (in their opinion) this relative’s bad life is ALL my fault and how I’m in the wrong for never once saying I’m sorry.
I have spent a LIFETIME saying sorry to this person for anything they blame me for, and have decided that I’m done. They make their own choices and I have nothing to do with that, so I’m not sorry anymore.
I decided to go no contact with this relative for myself and my child (who is being treated the same way as I am by the same person!).
The problem is, that my older child is still in contact with this relative and has started acting the same way towards me and the younger child. Now I am hearing the words and opinions coming out of my kid’s mouth that are exact replicas of our relative.
I have told my kids in the past that I don’t appreciate hearing them talk like they do towards me, and that it’s NOT ok to just repeat what they hear the relative saying. I’ve been told that I don’t get a say in what is said or done, that I ‘have to just deal’ with their opinion.
Also, my child is starting to ignore what I tell them to do and has said to me, “I don’t care, I’m not doing anything you say.” The older child has started being just as dismissive and derogatory as our relative towards me and the younger child.
When called out for this behavior, the response is, “I do more than you do” You deserve it.”
I’ve been wanting to take their phone away (I pay for all related expenses) and cut their contact off as well, just to get peace from this relative.
Would I be wrong for this?”
Another User Comments:
“There’s not enough information here to decide. What conduct of yours is being criticized? What are the criticisms? Without details, we have no way of knowing if your interpretation of the situation is reasonable. Whether or not YTA with regards to your daughter depends a lot on who the asshole is in the situation with this other relative. No matter who is right here, it might also be worth considering whether cutting off your daughter’s phone will have the effect you want, or if it will just drive her further away. ” Just_a_lil_dwagon
Another User Comments:
“There is too much information left out to render a judgment. And I suspect that pertinent information was intentionally left out by OP in an attempt to skew the verdict in their favor. Are your children minors? Why do they even want to maintain a relationship with someone who disrespects their parent?
Most children are very loyal to their parents until the parent gives them a reason not to be. OP is being deliberately vague about too many details for me to take their story at face value.” wildmstie
Another User Comments:
“You’re the adult, take their phone and anything else you pay for from them and see if that improves their attitude.
Parents are supposed to protect their children from bad influences and make sure the kids don’t turn into bad influences themselves. And this relative is a bad influence so Ground the child and let them kick rocks.” ChaosWolfe
8. AITJ For Returning My Ex-Roommate's Belongings At Work After He Left Them Behind?
“I had a friend and coworker (John) who I worked with for over a year and was friends with for over 6 months. John and I spent quite a bit of time outside of work each week going to dinners, going to parties, etc. with a friend group that also included other coworkers.
We were all friends and had a nice relationship inside and outside of work.
Last year John contacted me while I was out of town stating that he and his partner had broken up and he was being kicked out, asking if he could stay with me as we have a spare room.
After discussing the situation with my husband we agreed to let him stay with us. We moved our vacation plans around to get home earlier so he had a place to go.
Things started pretty well with the new living situation. My husband and I discussed our boundaries and communicated them with him and we only had two hard rules- clean up after yourself and don’t have illegal substances stored inside the house.
There were the usual annoyances of a new roommate such as regularly leaving the refrigerator/freezer door open, not cleaning up, using our food, detergent, and hygiene supplies, etc. However, we brushed off the annoyances as just that- a temporary situation that we were helping a friend through.
Shortly after moving in, John started to not include me in gatherings that we typically did together. Suddenly the friend group I had previously gone out with regularly was meeting up without me knowing, or it was a “last minute” thing I was clearly not invited to but he would tell me stories about how much fun they had after.
John continued to become more distant and eventually stopped communicating with me outside of any direct work-related tasks. A few months after living with us he told us he has gotten approved for his own place and will be moving out in about a month.
Things go on as they had and about a week later he leaves in the middle of the night without communicating with us where he was going or why he had moved out early and left the key on a table.
I then discovered John had left items throughout the house.
I waited over 2 weeks and he still had not communicated with me about his items and was avoiding speaking to me at work. I took this as a sign that he was angry and did not wish to speak to me at all. The items he left looked like a mixture of important items such as a car title and jewelry and sentimental items such as cards.
This is the point where I may be a jerk. Work being the only place I knew where he was (I didn’t know where he was staying before his move or where his new place was) I gathered his items in a box brought them to work and placed them near his work locker.
I didn’t speak to anyone about what the items were/why I was bringing them. But I knew they were personal enough that he would recognize that they were his when he saw them. He then cussed me out and said I was being petty and smearing our business in front of everyone.
AITJ for bringing his items back to work?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all regarding the stuff. You did what was appropriate to the best of your knowledge. But the only reason I can imagine that he stopped speaking to you, began excluding you, and left as quickly as possible without saying goodbye is if you had done something that made him upset” keke423
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but the way this reads, I’m guessing he learned something about you while he was living with you that he didn’t like. If there is something he may have discovered that you wouldn’t want people to know, I’d be very careful how you deal with him from now on.
One thing… if you knew when he would be at work, why didn’t you just ask him there what he wanted to do about his stuff? If he refused to talk about it, why not just say you were throwing everything away that weekend if he didn’t come get it all?
At least then he’d be forced to show up at your apartment where you could have a conversation to find out what happened before returning his items. A little coercive, I know, but at least then you might have had an idea why he acted the way he did.” Finnegan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Unless there is something very important that you have left out, I can’t see that you put a foot wrong. John seems to have been a most ungrateful house guest. And a bad one to boot. Your boundaries were very reasonable and yet he stomped them.
As for his belongings, had you thrown them in the thrash, rest assured that would also have made him mad. He seems to think that he is entitled to bear some kind of grudge against you. Why? I have ao idea unless it is a serious faux pas to offer a home to someone who lost his.” FragrantEconomist386
7. AITJ For Being Upset That My Partner Claims She Has The Hardest Job As A Housewife Without Kids?
“I do love her, but I am annoyed right now.
My partner could not get through college because it was too difficult for her. She was 24. She was crying all the time and stressed out. She tried for multiple years, but couldn’t do it. She said it was too hard for her, and after discussing it a lot, I said she could drop out and I’d take care of her.
I liked the idea of giving someone I love a really happy and great life. She can enjoy herself and chase after hobbies.
I always pictured myself with someone who was highly educated like I was, but I realized it doesn’t have to be that way and some people are happier without the capitalist grind.
It was hard for a while especially when we were younger and I was still in school, but I’m an engineer now.
Since I am the only person providing, I work upper 40’s to mid-50s every week. I love my job and I am passionate about what I do but it is physically exhausting.
It even zaps my energy on the weekends. I’m still really young, though, so I am hoping to work less in the future.
She does l0% of the cooking and cleaning. But we have a smallish condo (live in a big city, so) and no kids.
We do have a dog. So I was shocked when we were with new friends and she mentioned that she was a stay-at-home mom and it was the hardest job in the world, what she did. I corrected her and said we didn’t have kids and didn’t want any for the next 10 years.
She said sure, but our dog is our child. For the rest of the dinner, she went on to talk about how difficult being a housewife is with a woman there who was a stay-at-home mom. It rubbed me wrong. I wouldn’t ever say I have the hardest job in the world.
Afterward, I asked her what she meant. I said she was living the life, I would kill to be in her shoes. I’m clocking 50 hours a week while she’s sending me pictures of her shopping at Target, spending hundreds somehow, and SHE has the hardest job.
In the entire world? I said that made me feel underappreciated. She said I was underappreciating her. “It is the hardest job. Cooking and cleaning is exhausting.” She said she spent 6 hours cooking yesterday, but I pointed out all she made was a chipotle bowl.
If that’s taking you 6 hours, something is wrong. She said she was counting the hours she spent letting the beans simmer…
It comes off as extremely privileged, which she is I guess. I told her she has no idea what it’s like for me, she’s never worked a full-time job, and it rubs me the wrong way she’s talking about how hard cooking beans is.
I said if it was that hard, she could go back to school or get a job and we’d hire a cook/cleaner. If I hired someone to do her job, I’d save a LOT of money. It turned into a big fight, she called me a jerk.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… You’re being taken advantage of. This will not get better. You should consider yourself lucky she’s just a partner and you have no kids. Leave now. She will always be entitled and always think she’s doing more. Counting the beans simmering? She is ridiculous.” Ok_Register3005
Another User Comments:
“I mean this with love. Dude, why are you subsidizing her life? You aren’t married and don’t have kids. She could pack her stuff up tomorrow and leave in a snap. She could find a guy who is willing to give her even more than you and move on to them.
Also, the resentment you’re feeling probably isn’t going away. It’ll get worse the more you interweave your lives. There is nothing wrong with not going to school. There is nothing wrong with trying and not finishing either. But, like everyone else, she needs to find something to do to earn a living.
Taking care of a dog is nothing like being a stay-at-home mom with children. It’s not even in the same stratosphere, honestly. I agree with your opinion that she should find a job. Wishing you the best.” chemephd23
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What?!? A stay-at-home mom?
Because she has a DOG?!? Get out of that nonsense. The unmitigated gall to spout such nonsense to an ACTUAL stay-at-home mom is staggering. She DOES have an easy life. A VERY easy life. It’s insane that she thinks she’s “working hard” because she cooks meals and keeps the house clean.
Most adults do that AND work full time. And lots of adults then add children into the mix, which…let’s see…I’d say easily triples the time spent on daily tasks for the first kid, and it only goes up from there. This isn’t to say keeping the house up and cooking isn’t work.
It 100% is. But it’s also part of life and those of us who have to work full time still have to do those tasks ALSO. Ideally splitting those tasks with our partners, but some people don’t have that, either. I wouldn’t have any respect for her because she has no respect for others including people with actual struggles.
And I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone I can’t respect.” Ok_Expression7723
6. AITJ For Not Attending My Mother's Memorial Because Of My Abusive Brother?
“I (33f) recently lost my mother. My father passed away when I was 15, and from that point on she and I were essentially attached at the hip.
I was the youngest of her kids, and my siblings were developing their own lives and relationships, so as she and I both grew older it became a natural fit that I would stay with her.
While her disabilities never progressed to the point of needing round-the-clock care, it would have also been dangerous for her to be on her own.
I didn’t mind staying with her – I was honored, frankly. She was my best friend.
Among my siblings, both my mom and myself had cut off contact with one of my older brothers, who I’ll call Jake. Jake has always been very troubled and struggled with his addictions, mostly to booze.
I empathize with what he’s been through, but after decades of enduring awful verbal mistreatment from his intoxicated self, I started avoiding him altogether. He has been in and out of prison for things relating to his heavy drinking – and while I don’t judge him for either of those things, I mention it to illustrate that his behavior is a pattern that has spanned my entire life.
To get back to my mother’s death, they are planning a service for her at my sister’s house Jake will be at. Jake also mistreated my mother in many of the same ways he treated me. While I believe that he’s probably grieving – and may even feel guilty about this – I find it much harder to stomach, because when he hurt her I was the one who had to deal with how he hurt afterward.
On one of the worst occasions, he screamed in her face and called her a terrible name – and she burst into tears, her heart broken.
I was invited to this memorial by another one of my siblings, who I thanked for the invitation but declined. The closer I get to this, the more I’m wondering about my decision.
I have never asked my siblings to reschedule anything, I’ve never asked them to not include him because I understand that it’s not my decision or business. I feel that I’m protecting my peace by having a boundary and sticking to it.
The biggest part of my internal conflict is that Jake has a child who I do care about and whom I would like to be around.
I also understand that his daughter is a large part of why the rest of my family can accept his presence. To some degree, I feel like it’s messed up of me that I can’t look past my fear and anger toward him to try and make room for her.
It’s affected my relationship with basically all of my nieces and nephews because my main opportunity to see them is these big family gatherings that I don’t feel comfortable being in.
I have spent years avoiding holiday gatherings he is at and as a result members of my family have told me that it seems like I don’t care about them, or that I don’t want to be a part of the family.
I expect that skipping this will do nothing to sway that opinion. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“First, I’m sorry for your mother’s passing. It’s incredibly hard to lose a parent. When my dad passed away, I knew a lot of people he didn’t like were going to show up to his memorial. All to varying degrees (whether he just thought they were annoying or they were seriously bad people), but it still annoyed me.
The advice I was given was that you shouldn’t let other people ruin what’s meant to be your time to celebrate your loved one. Don’t let your brother ruin what is meant to be for all of you. If you can, you can just avoid him.
If you think you’re going to regret not going, then go. But; you’re NTJ for not attending. If you don’t feel comfortable to be around your brother, don’t go. Maybe have your day dedicated to her, like going out to her favorite restaurant or something.” Kennyissad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Memorials are for the survivors. Does your family know the reason you are not attending? If they give you a hard time about “not caring about them,” just let them know that you have an obligation to yourself more than to them, and if you decide that as long as Jake is present, you will not be, they should have the decency to respect the boundary you have set.” IAndaraB
5. AITJ For Yelling At My Partner After His Parents Invited His Abusive Ex To His Birthday Party?
“So my (19M) partner “Colt” (19M) have been together for almost 2 years now.
He’s normally this really sweet and caring guy except around his family. He gets quiet or more “body” with them. I love him a lot but his family not really. He’s never been exactly in the closet and he’s been with boys since middle school so they’re not exactly homophobic.
They are really big on traditional gender norms. So naturally Colt is very traditionally masc and grew up playing 3 different sports and hunting.
I on the other hand was a gender non-conforming theater kid who paints his nails and doesn’t mind heels and a skirt when the mood strikes me.
I’m the first guy Colt has been with that wasn’t masc and also a sports player. I could tell his family didn’t like me. His 2 older brothers are ok if not kinda awkward but his younger brothers are all weird with me and ignore me unless forced to talk to me.
His parents are the worst as they openly dislike me, especially his dad. Colt assures me I’ll grow on them but yeahhhhh.
He’s close to his family though so we see them a lot. I put up with it because Colt moved pretty far from home for college a few states over while my family lives in the same town as the school.
Last weekend we went to his hometown for his birthday. His family and friends threw him a birthday party and all that. Of course, while we were there his younger brothers and his parents kept asking about his ex-Carlos and why they stopped talking or on about how much they liked him when I wasn’t in the room but in earshot.
Then guess who shows up? None other than Carlos was invited by Colt’s parents. And you could tell how much they loved him with the way they hugged him and he was laughing and talking with Colt’s younger brothers. Colt was just silent and I just went upstairs and holed up in his room.
He came upstairs looking for me after the party was over and asked why I stayed upstairs. I got upset and yelled at him that he knew exactly why.
He tried to apologize but I wasn’t having it and I screamed at him that I wasn’t taking this anymore and I didn’t want to see his family anymore till he stood up to them.
I didn’t realize at first but it looked like he started panicking. He starts telling me I don’t understand and I can’t ask him to pick a fight with his family. I yell louder that it’s not fair I have to be treated like crap by him.
He starts clutching his chest and crying and goes into like a full panic attack. His oldest brother comes up and gets him to calm down. He just glared at me and said to never yell at Colt like that again. Colt was kinda weird after that.
We didn’t talk much after. Before we left his second older brother caught me alone and told me the truth. Carlos was ” less than friendly” with Colt and a lot of “stuff” was blamed on whatever sport Colt’ was playing at the time. His younger brothers don’t know and their parents sorta know but it’s ” boys will be boys” with them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ though not as much as you could be had you known the full situation. Colt didn’t invite his abusive ex, Carlos, his parents did. His parents still – to his face – are minimizing his trauma and trying to get him to accept it again for their view of what men are supposed to act like.
This is all kinds of messed up. Now you go and blame Colt for also “forcing” you to be around his ex when he just hasn’t been able to stand up to his parents enough to end the entire situation. He needs support, not further (verbal in this case) “assault.” The good news is that his two older brothers know the situation and mistreatment Colt suffered and are on his side.
They would probably also step up if he decided he needed to put a stop to his parent’s interference in his love life.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“So Carlos was abusive to Colt, Colt’s parents invited his abusive ex to his party, and you screamed at him for his rotten parents after he had to navigate a birthday dealing with his abusive ex and probably narcissistic parents.
YTJ you need to apologize to Colt, and approach how he treats his relationship with his family more delicately.” Dontdrinkthecoffee
4. AITJ For Lashing Out At My Mom Over Her Attitude Towards My Dad?
“I (17F) live with my mom, my stepdad Adam, and my half-brother Luke. I have an older brother, Liam who has his own place.
My mom remarried when I was 5, so I don’t remember a time when Adam wasn’t around. My mom and my dad split up when I was pretty young, and I wasn’t allowed to see or speak to my dad until he moved to Europe, when we started having weekly phone calls.
Talking to my dad made me realize how much we have in common, and I enjoy talking to him.
The only problem is my mom. She seems to hate my dad, and is constantly in my ear telling me about ‘all the bad stuff he’s done.’ Once Liam moved out, I spent a lot of time at his apartment near his college campus, where I could talk to my dad for longer than half an hour each week, and he told me his side.
I think it’s pretty obvious that he’s in the right.
My dad paid for my education; I attended a private school, and so did my brother. Last year, Luke, the family’s golden child, threw a tantrum because he was jealous that Liam and I got to go to private school and he was stuck at his public school.
So Mom and Adam enrolled him in the private middle school I went to because he gets to do anything he wants.
Then for about three months, my mom began taking half of the allowance I got from my dad to help pay bills because I guess tuition put a dent in her finances.
She and my dad got in a big fight and Liam went to NC with her. This was about a month before the holidays, and my dad ended up inviting Liam to spend Christmas with him. Liam agreed, but I was devastated.
I understand why he did it because Mom didn’t want him with us and he had nowhere else to go, but that left me alone with Mom, Adam, and Luke.
My dad was able to talk my mom into letting me go for two weeks. I had a great time with all of my siblings and my stepmom, but coming home was hard. Mom barely speaks to me anymore, and Adam and Luke just ignore me.
My mom and I recently got into an argument when she told me that she doesn’t want me to have any contact with my dad anymore because he’s ”poisoning my mind against her.” I was kind of shocked because it came out of nowhere.
I ended up calling her a mean person and telling her that I understood why Dad left her. She started crying and ran off, and then Adam grounded me. I told him he couldn’t ground me because he’s not my parent.
I then called an Uber (my account is on Dad’s credit card) and went to Liam’s.
That’s where I am now. After some time to cool off, I felt so awful for what I said to my mom. She hasn’t been the best mom, but I still love her, and realizing that I was the one who made her cry makes my stomach hurt.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Please tell your Dad what your mom’s doing re your allowance. That’s not ok. Yelling isn’t the best way to deal with things but you were pushed into a corner. You’re going to be 18 in the next year & then you’ll be able to choose who you spend time with.” Apart-Ad-6518
Another User Comments:
“She’s a huge jerk and you’re slightly a jerk. Don’t talk to your mother like that but it’s reasonable as to why you are angry. What does how your dad treats you and your brother have anything to do with her?
Not to mention, using things your father gave to you to have Lucas keep the same privileges as you is ridiculous. She’s taking out her frustration against your father against you, you have full right to be frustrated.” No-Negotiation3759
3. AITJ For Maintaining Contact With The Relative My Mother Dislikes?
“I 15 F talked to the person who made my family move out. Hanna took care of me when I was younger. She was the person who raised me. I only saw my parents at night and on Sundays, so we were close.
Hanna was a family member on my dad’s side and was paid by my parents to take care of me.
My mom never liked my dad’s side. She’d badmouth them around me. I never knew why until last year when I found out it was because my grandfather borrowed her father’s money to build our house which, my parents, siblings, and grandparents lived in.
Last year, my mom told me Hanna sent fake texts to my mom’s mother using my father’s father’s phone to make their relationship bad and also said fake stuff about my mom so they wouldn’t like her. My mom said this was Hanna’s plan so that we would move out and she could move into our old house but it didn’t work out for her.
After some time, Hanna texted me and told me to come to my grandfather’s birthday party so we could talk about our interests. I already planned to go but seeing that text made me so uncomfortable. I didn’t want to get ignored by my mom again.
I couldn’t decline though since I was a people pleaser when it came to a few people, and she was one of them. I enjoyed the first few minutes but wanted to leave soon. But there was nowhere to go. If I went to my dad or anywhere else, Hanna would come and if I went to my mom, the cold shoulder thing would happen earlier.
As expected, my mom gave me the cold shoulder again. I knew it started when she ignored me. I don’t do things when this happens since I don’t know what to do. A while ago, my mom asked me if I knew she was giving me the cold shoulder the past week.
I lied and feigned ignorance because I felt like saying yes would hurt me more. Actually, I wanted to tell her that she told me it was my choice to speak to her (she told me this after she revealed Hanna’s plan) and that this was my choice, and that I’ve tried countless times to speak to her like how I did with Hanna but she just never paid attention.
I don’t know if I should have blocked Hanna or ignored her and I’m kind of prejudiced against my mom since she would look through my messenger accounts without telling me and when I thought we worked it out she still did it.
I caught her multiple times but never confronted her and during the time I showed my vulnerable side to her, she told my dad and other family members. This whole post kind of makes my mom look like the “bad guy” but all this is only based on what I remember, and she struggled through a lot like having to marry my father because I was born (they have fights that I don’t think our normal since it’s almost always my dad shouting and my mom hiding in my room) and she was treated badly by her husband’s side and has a daughter that replies to the person she dislikes the most, so tell me, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are a young person trying to maintain relationships with family and people in your life who have cared for you. Your mother should not be using a “cold shoulder” against you, especially not to the point where you are anticipating and afraid of it.
She certainly should not be icing you out for a week and then trying to test you by asking if you noticed. That’s an incredibly immature way for her to deal with her anger. I think you are “people pleasing” with caretakers in your life because you are used to trying to anticipate your mother’s moods and because you want connections with caretakers since she didn’t represent safety to you.” lapapesse
Another User Comments:
“Not gonna lie, I think it’s hilarious that your mother called you to see if you noticed that she was giving you the cold shoulder. I think that shows that YOU GOT TO HER. Whatever you did is working in terms of not giving her attention for bad behavior NTJ for trying to navigate this swamp of toxicity as best you can Don’t trust your mother and see if you can find a good counselor to help you hold your boundaries” WhizzoButterBoy.
2. AITJ For Clashing With My Mom Over My Future Plans And Her Disrespectful Comments?
“I (25F) recently returned to my hometown after completing my studies and internship abroad.
For context, I was on a full scholarship ride for 6 years and now it’s time to either find work or continue my Master’s, and again, I am considering a full-ride scholarship for the latter. It’s been about a month since I returned to my parent’s house and my mother is saying things like how I don’t want to wake up on time (7-8 am, instead of my typical insomniac schedule and waking up at 1 pm), I should just go back to the West/Europe and find a guy there “since all [I’m] interested in is spreading my legs for guys”.
More backstory: I grew up super religious and super Catholic (no thanks to my mom’s insistence) and during one of my Sunday school years, we were made to swear a modesty pledge, and while I thought little of it, I still uphold it to this day.
I also returned home after a very well-timed breakup and she seems to solidly think that my motivation to do a Master’s in Europe is completely based omyme wanting to look for Western spouses there. Historically, I’ve never been interested in relationships and only had one partner.
Last week, she angrily woke me up by saying things like “When you die, you’ll sleep too” and “Go [get a man]/spread your legs if you don’t want to do anything” and me being in my feminist era, I hate having my academic motivations boiled down to simply wanting to pursue relationships.
She seems to have generalized my one-time experience on this and I got triggered, so I said a bunch of hurtful things back while she was going “EHHHHHHHHH” very loudly to drown me out. What I said was along the lines of “Just because you didn’t have a good childhood, [it] doesn’t mean that you should do that to me too” and she called me ungrateful and that she wanted me out of the house and that she’s no longer my mother.
To be honest, same bestie same.
She’s also against me sitting at home not working and having the idea that I’m not doing all I can to secure jobs or planning for the next chapter in my life (so that I can quickly get out of here as well).
I think she might be a narcissist and that she’s merely just projecting her own insecurities and feelings onto me since my sister left home to work in another country. She also likes to bring up money as leverage “Whose money are you using?” even if I were to argue that statistically, it wasn’t much considering the exchange rate.
Reminder: I was on a full scholarship (tuition, allowance, boarding, flight tickets, etc.) with minimal financial support from my parents.
I’m getting the idea that she thinks she owns me and that for me to truly be free of her, I need to go into the labor market and work as soon as I can.
Right now, I am aware that I am not financially independent and that she has every right to berate and criticize me for it. I also think that she’s pushing me into a good direction albeit in a very distasteful manner and that she’s worried because I have no income of my own.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother is abusive. She is also completely disrespecting your efforts as a student. To me, it looks as if you must have done extremely well to be getting full scholarships all the way! Kudos to you! And get out of that house ASAP.
Nothing good is happening to you there. One thing about your mother’s behavior that I find particularly disgusting is her berating you for having had a normal relationship. Catholic or not, we are now in 2024, not 1924. I’d take the opportunity to educate myself to the max.
That is the best thing you can do to combat the ignorant attitudes your mother stands for.” FragrantEconomist386
1. AITJ For Giving My Prepared Gift Before My Friend Bought Hers?
“My best friend‘s birthday was coming up, I like to be ahead of time with stuff like this, to have everything ready on time.
One of my best friends texted me four days before our friend’s birthday and asked if we were planning a present together since she is very uncreative when it comes to planning gifts. I told her I had already arranged the whole gift but that technically we could still try to arrange this gift as a present from us both.
Even though I did explain that a part of my gift is very personal and written in my name etc, which I couldn’t change any more. My budget for the gift was 25-30€, which I also ended up spending on my gift. Meaning my friend, needed to buy another present in the same price range, resulting in two separate gifts.
Tim moved on and she did not reach out to me about the gift again. Our friend’s birthday came around, and the birthday girl ended up being in our hometown at the same time, which is when I spontaneously decided to just give her the gift since I wasn’t sure when I was going to see her again.
I didn’t even think that this was supposed to be a shared gift since I had a hundred other things going on in my mind and since my friend hasn’t reached out to me again, I thought she figured it out on her own and got her a gift in the meantime.
I got a text from the girl who wanted to be part of the gift a day later, saying she was confused about why I gave the gift to our friend since it was supposed to be a gift from us both. I answered that I thought she just got a gift on her own since she never reached out to me again, and that it was pretty spontaneous to give her the gift now since I wasn’t sure when I would see the birthday girl again.
She said she understood that we were giving her my gift together plus buying something else from us both. I told her that „my“ part for this gift was finished for a long time and I thought she would just get „her“ part of the gift independently.
I also said that after all, if I understood correctly it would have been two gifts in the same price range, which is why it probably doesn’t make a difference whether we give her the gift at the same time or not. She said this was a dumb situation since now she looks like she doesn’t have a gift. I apologized and said that I should’ve communicated better and I think that this was a misunderstanding.
I am not someone who likes to point fingers, particularly when I am the one being „called out“ BUT I think that her not having a birthday present, knowing the birthday was coming up soon, is not my fault. I had made it pretty clear that my present was finished, therefore I felt like I was done with the gift planning, etc., and didn’t understand what she was waiting for.
Even if we said we would be planning a gift for our friend together, she still would’ve planned “her“ part herself.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH Your friend was looking to mooch off your effort in getting a gift and that’s obnoxious. But reading your post it was extremely unclear to me that you told her no. And if it was unclear to me, it’s unclear to someone who has some motivated reasoning at play.
Next time a breezy but unambiguous “sorry! already bought her a gift!” leaves no room for interpretation.” Gloomy_Ruminant
