People Inquire About What We Think About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Classmate?
“I (f19) am in university studying radiography. I have a classmate, ‘Steve’ (m19). Steve and I went to the same high school, and we were friends. Not exactly close friends, but we did hang out from time to time.
One of our classes is human anatomy, and Steve is on the verge of failing the module.
He’s not the only one though, it’s a really difficult class and has a lot of content.
One of our assignments for human anatomy is worth a good chunk of our grade and it’s a PowerPoint presentation. Steve asked me if I could help him with the presentation since I understand the module’s content, and I agreed.
The day before I was supposed to meet Steve in the library, Steve made a rude comment in our class group chat about my parents.
For context, my parents are Christians who are super enthusiastic about their religion, and they help run a chaplaincy service in the university, where students of all faiths or none can go pray, meditate or relax and talk to someone about any personal problems they’re having.
My parents are really passionate about it and sometimes go around the university handing out leaflets to students about the service. I’m an atheist and my parents accept that, but I still think they’re doing a nice thing for the university.
Anyway, Steve sent a photo he sneakily took of my dad handing out leaflets, and called my parents annoying Bible-thumpers, and some other rude remarks about their appearances. I was livid.
When Steve texted me to confirm if we were still on for the next day, I told him not to bother coming, since he thinks it’s funny to make horrible comments about my parents.
Steve started profusely apologizing and saying he didn’t know they were my parents and that he was just making a joke, I blew up at him and told him that I don’t want to help him with the assignment and he can go fail the class for all I care.
Steve said I’m being petty and that I’m childish and unkind for refusing to help him over a silly joke.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – a lot of universities have some form of chaplaincy and/or support services for students, and a good university will have facilities available to accommodate multiple religions, not just Christianity.
If your parents are going around saying ‘hey, come to prayer’ that’s pushy, but if they’re just making students aware of what services are available I see no issue. I’m kind of anti-organized religion in general, but my university services absolutely helped me out when I had depression and anxiety during my final year – and there was no religion mentioned in any of my sessions, it was just an ear to listen to.
Your parents sound like they have their hearts in the right place if nothing else, and sometimes all it takes is a leaflet to plant the seed that leads someone to get help. I don’t think they deserve to be made fun of for that, and you definitely have every right to decide who is and isn’t worth your help.” JunebugSeven
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Steve shouldn’t be engaging in bullying tactics like comments about appearance. But also, what your parents are doing is likely intrusive and unwelcome for many students. I get that it’s not a big deal for you since you were raised in their faith even if you don’t practice it now, so it probably feels normal to you, but for kids of other religions having to deal with Christians coming at them with pamphlets when they’re just trying to walk to class is equally if not more obnoxious than what Steve did.
I hear you saying what your parents are doing is non-denominational but I’ve noticed frequently Christians and former Christians describe things as non-denominational when there aren’t overt mentions of Jesus but there still is a clear Christian bent… so are you really sure about that?
As someone raised in the faith do you have a good idea of what a non-Christian-influenced religious space would look like? Do your parents routinely work with other faith leaders to make sure their space is actually an equally welcoming space for all?
And since you’re defending your parents without considering Steve’s likely valid perspective, everyone sucks here.” loligo_pealeii
Another User Comments:
“If he is making a joke – then you were joking when you agreed to help him
I`m not a fan of ‘Christians’ in general – but from what you describe your parents are following the commandment ‘treat others as you want them to treat you’ – in offering support to those that need it – regardless of the (lack of) religion of the person asking help.
I would like to think THAT is the mindset Jesus talked about in the bible stories.
Good thing ‘Steve’ exposed his true feelings before you did help him – and now he is dealing with the consequences of his ‘jokes’.
Are you petty? Maybe. Are you childish? No – you have a strong boundary that he crossed. He is not dealing with the fallout of HIS actions.
If this is a silly joke, it would not hurt people – and would not be at the expense of anyone else.
He insulted their faith AND their appearance.
Hope you do well in class – and Steve fails and learns something more than just anatomy.
NTJ” SamuelVimesTrained
16. AITJ For Kicking A Stranger Out Of My Wedding?
“My husband and I (both 27) got married a few weeks ago and he obviously is still upset about it but I don’t think I was wrong so I thought I would ask here.
We only gave plus ones to married couples or if we knew the SO well. My husband has one childhood friend that was coming from out of state to attend. I’ve met him a bunch but only his partner of three years a few times because of the distance.
I didn’t want to give him a plus one but my husband begged since he was traveling and didn’t know anyone else at the wedding and he didn’t want him to be uncomfortable or have to travel alone.
I said fine just to make him happy.
Flash forward to the reception I see him with some girl I have never seen before. I asked husband what was up and he told me that his friend and his partner broke up a few days before the wedding and since he had already RSVPed as 2 he brought a friend with him.
I was mad since I made an exception for him and I didn’t want anyone random at my wedding. I had one of my bridesmaids go to him and tell him he could stay but can his date please go back to the hotel this is a private event.
He said ok and didn’t make a fuss but he left with her and didn’t come back. I thought everything was fine and had a great night.
My husband found out about it the next day and we got into an argument.
He’s mad because his friend traveled and I kick him out without talking to him. I didn’t kick him out just his date.
Now it’s a few weeks later my husband still brings it up from time to time and his friend hasn’t been answering his texts.
I kind of feel bad but it was my wedding and I didn’t want any strangers there.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your husband’s childhood friend traveled for your wedding to celebrate you, days after his long-term partner and he broke up.
He (understandably) didn’t want to travel alone or be at a wedding alone where he knew NO ONE.
You gave him a plus one and had paid for the ‘head’ already. So he brought his ALLOWED plus one.
Then, you decide to throw her (and by extension him) out of your wedding for NO REASON.
Because, unless your wedding was like 10 people, and your hate for having a +1 you didn’t know there was more important to you than your husband having his childhood friend there, I don’t understand how him having a date at a wedding where he knew nobody was so offensive to you that you couldn’t bear having her exist in the same space as you.
You need to offer your husband a massive apology. You also need to call his friend and offer him a massive apology for being such a jerk. If this is how you’re going to act for the rest of your marriage, it’s going to be short-lived.” AshlynM2
Another User Comments:
“I understand not wanting to have strangers at the wedding, especially if it’s a smaller ceremony and reception anyway. However, it’s not just ‘your wedding’ – it’s also your husband’s, and you knew this childhood friend was important to him.
You can say you were only kicking out the +1 (or, more accurately, you had a bridesmaid do it for you) but most people aren’t going to just hang around if their +1 to an event gets kicked out because that would be incredibly rude so for all intents and purposes, you did kick both of them out.
That’s not solely your call to make because the day is about both of you as a couple and not about either one of you as individuals, but you did it anyway without discussing things with your husband, putting him in hot water with his childhood friend, who presumably thought he also played a role in the decision to kick out the +1.
Would it have been nice of the friend to let you know the +1 was going to be different? Sure, but the post also doesn’t specify whether or not he knew you were restricting the +1s so it’s possible he didn’t even know you were wanting to limit the number of people in attendance to just people you knew.
Even if he did know you were limiting +1s, at the end of the day you gave him one and he used it. Both he and your husband are right to be upset when you independently decided to kick a guest out when she wasn’t doing anything wrong – and make no mistake, she became a guest the instant she arrived at the wedding whether you knew her personally or not.
YTJ.” Most-Role-1260
Another User Comments:
“You were so absorbed with the fact that you wanted YOUR wedding to be perfect the way you wanted it, but you forgot to respect the guests of the person you’re marrying. You said you made an exception for the friend, but what you should’ve made was an exception for your husband.
I get being uncomfortable if your guests brought rando’s but he wasn’t just your guest, he was also your husband’s guest – if not more his guest than yours. The literal least you could have done was be understanding of your husband’s friend since he’s someone obviously important to him, but it looks like from the very start you didn’t care much for the friend.
Wouldn’t you be mad if you switched places with your husband and HE had gotten your childhood friend kicked out of your wedding behind your back?
You allowed your anger to push through with a rather selfish decision instead of communicating further with your husband or his friend, and in doing so you harmed a relationship important to your husband.
Like dude, he was BEGGING you to do anything to make sure his friend felt comfortable to go to the wedding because I assume he doesn’t get to see him much and wanted him there to see him marry you, and you thought what you did was a still good idea.
Did you not take into account how it would affect the other people involved or how they would feel? I get that it’s your wedding, fine, but that’s no excuse to think solely about yourself.
YTJ.
(I didn’t highlight how the friend and the girl might be feeling because I don’t think OP could try to be THAT empathetic of them, esp if this whole thing happened in the first place.)” FRKings
15. AITJ For Unknowingly Fat-Shaming My Friend?
“Julia (25F) and I (25F) have been friends for years, and we both like fashion a lot. Julia is a self-proclaimed ‘style dictator’ and often says my style is boring, but I like it so I don’t care. She’s now in her ‘TikTok era’ (her words), so she’s been buying lots of clothes to fit this aesthetic.
I think the colorful vibe suits her, and I can tell she feels really confident. I compliment her whenever we go out, and she always appreciates it.
As for me, I have been on a no-buy since January. It was one of my goals for 2022 and I’m really proud I’ve stuck to it.
Recently, I have rediscovered a love for my skinny jeans. I find them really comfortable, they go great with tall boots, and they keep my legs warm (which is something I struggle with).
Well, Julia hates them and doesn’t make much of an effort to hide it.
She’s obviously allowed not to like them, but her remarks got tiring after a while. I started avoiding wearing them around her to avoid having to hear about how they’re ugly.
Yesterday, I met up with a few friends for sushi.
Julia doesn’t like sushi, so she said she’d sit this one out. One of the guys invited us to his house for board games. He posted it on his story and Julia DM’d him asking if she and her sister could come.
We all said yes.
The first thing Julia commented on when she arrived was my jeans; I laughed it off and changed the topic. Later, someone started talking about dinosaurs and Julia said skinny jeans were also prehistoric. I again changed the topic but was starting to feel self-conscious about my outfit.
After several comments about my skinny jeans being ugly and unfashionable, I tried to make her drop it by jokingly saying, ‘Just because you can’t pull them off doesn’t mean they’re ugly.’
I thought the conversation would end there, but instead, she got upset and started screaming at me for being an inconsiderate and insensitive jerk, and how dare I fat-shame her in front of everyone.
She locked herself in the bathroom, with her sister chasing after her.
Basically, Julia thought I meant that she couldn’t pull them off because she’s fat. I was horrified she would think that, so I went to apologize that it came off that way and that it wasn’t my intention.
She yelled at me that it was a crappy apology and to leave her alone, and that ‘being a skinny jerk’ doesn’t give me the right to be fatphobic.
I decided to go home to avoid spoiling the evening for the others and because I felt bad for hurting Julia.
My friends are saying I shouldn’t have left and that she overreacted. I messaged Julia to apologize again, and now I’m blocked.
I genuinely thought it was obvious that I was referring to style and not to her size. I also would never be able to pull off some of the things she wears.
I have my own body image struggles, so I would never dream to comment on anyone else’s body.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she can’t take the criticisms that she constantly dishes out. Her commentary consistently centered only on other people’s sense of fashion dictates extreme insecurities of herself.
She expresses herself through her clothing which is great, but she’s constantly tearing you down and won’t shut up about your jeans, (like anyone cares).
You apologize and explain yourself and she calls it crap and resorts to calling you a skinny jerk.
Rethink your ‘friendship’. One comment sent her over the edge, while you’ve had to deal with a barrage of them, to the point you altered what you wear around her.
I hope she can find someone to talk to because right now her shallow superficiality is overshadowing her behavior towards her friends.” punkswamp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I think it’s telling that your friend is so accustomed to using you as her own personal punching bag that she insulted you repeatedly in front of the group. Usually, this type of harassment is done in private to maintain plausible deniability, yet it’s become so ingrained that she was comfortable doing it in public.
That’s why she was so shocked that you clapped back.
You gave her .01% of the vitriol she sends your way and she freaked out. She’s not angry over that simple comment, she’s angry that you are changing the terms of your friendship.
She doesn’t want to be your friend unless she can insult you repeatedly while you shower her with compliments. That is why she blocked you. And that’s why you need to STOP apologizing!” veni_vidi_dixi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Julia is probably self-conscious about her body, which could be why she gets into aesthetics like TikTok, but she has no right to insult your style or anyone else’s. Putting down other people’s looks while making yourself more confident is so cruel to do.
As someone who is plus size and self-conscious, Julia had it coming for her sick behavior. She is basically a bully to you, which isn’t okay since she’s supposed to be your ‘friend.’ If she didn’t want to be taking criticism, she shouldn’t have rudely criticized you.
You sincerely apologized too. You explained what you meant, yet she took it too far and made it overdramatic. You left to possibly de-escalate what happened, but she stays upset about it and not letting it go. Probably a good thing she blocked you, I don’t think she’s truly a friend.” KingPiscesFish
14. AITJ For Declining My Mother-In-Law's Gift?
“My husband’s parents moved down south a few years ago because of how expensive it is here and so they can be closer to his grandparents who also moved down there.
We visit every few months it’s a long drive but everything has been fine.
I’m 7 months pregnant with our first child a girl. Ever since we told his parents they have been making comments when we talk to them about the distance and not seeing their grandbaby much I just ignore them because it was their choice to move so nothing I can do about that.
Last week his mom asked to FaceTime with us because she has something exciting to tell us. A house in their neighborhood is up for sale. His parents said as a Christmas gift this year they are giving us the money for the down payment on the house so we can in his mom’s words ‘move out of our horrible state and little apt.’
We both didn’t know what to say, we have never had any plans to move out of state and never implied it was something we would ever consider. My entire family including my parents and everyone I have ever known is here, our jobs are here and I’m sorry but I’m not moving my daughter to a deep red state just not happening.
We told her on the call thanks and we appreciate the offer but we have no intentions of moving and love it here even in our tiny apt.
She hung up and it has become a thing. She is blasting us on social media for being ungrateful and raising our daughter in a crime-ridden city (it’s not).
All her friends are backing her up in the comments about how I’ll be a terrible mother and she is offering us a house and home for our baby. She thinks that because her offer is so generous we are jerks to decline.
All this is making me feel really guilty. My husband says to ignore her but this is stressing me out and here I am at 4 am stressing and feeling like a bad mother before my daughter is even born.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It was not a generous gift. A gift should not come with stipulations. It was a bribe to try to get you to move closer and you said ‘No.’ She needs to respect your decision.
Just going to put this out there because when I was going through it I didn’t realize how much my thoughts can be tied to emotions.
You’re probably having a harder time ignoring her because you are pregnant and your hormones are wacky so this drama is throwing your brain in a loop. Maybe see if your husband can help you with some breathing relaxation exercises or try focusing on schools in your area that your kiddo will eventually go to ease your mind that you did the right thing.
And sleep, you are growing a human and it’s stressful enough without worrying about MIL several states away.
If MIL was truly generous she would have offered a down payment on a home in your chosen location. Don’t fall for her guilt tricks.” Sweetsmyle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your MIL’s ‘gift’ is entirely self-serving and she is having a tantrum because she is not getting her own way. I would set the record straight about the fact that your daughter and yourself already have family nearby and that unless she quits her behavior (particularly on social media) you won’t probably be visiting her for a while.
In any case, if she cares that much about your living conditions then she can always put the money aside for you, so that if you ever wanted to change your flat because you have outgrown it, then you will be able to do so in a place that is right for you (I am pretty sure she won’t) or put it aside for her grandchild future.” Whatever-and-breathe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ babe! It’s not a ******* a trap. ‘Ungrateful’ may technically apply to you, but why would anyone appreciate the opportunity to move to a gingerbread cottage state and climb into an oven of an arrangement with a witch?
What you ought to be grateful for is the revelation that this woman has no respect for your autonomy. Your employment is irrelevant to her. Family and friends who are not her do not exist. ‘No’ is the most offensive thing you can say to her.
And she is willing to cyberbully you if she can’t dictate the terms under which you live your life.
That’s not someone to want as a neighbor. And giving her unfettered access to your daughter seems totally unsafe.
You are being an amazing parent by making sure you can provide an income and a support network for your expected child.
Not to mention that staying put means you and your OBGYN will get to make decisions about your labor and delivery without the interference of red state policies.
Disclaimer: I’m raising a cool daughter in a 700 square-foot NYC apartment and I think my situation is more awesome than not.” mariacristinaaa
13. AITJ For Not Letting My Mom Meet My Daughter?
“My (35F) husband (39M), Todd, and I adopted our son (5M), Evan, when he was just a year old, and-despite some minor challenges and bumps along the way-he’s a wonderful child and-needless to say-we undeniably love him to pieces.
My mother (63F), though, can and could never say the same, though, because-despite her always-preexistent love and want for a grandchild-she didn’t consider Evan as her grandson because he isn’t biologically related to her. Due to her feelings, Evan hasn’t seen her in over a year, as my mother wears her distaste on her face, which understandably makes my son feel disappointed and unwanted, as I believe he secretly knows that his adoption is why she doesn’t care about him.
Recently, I gave birth to my first daughter, causing my mother utter joy. She’s been continuously asking to meet her, as Todd and I hadn’t lent her the opportunity yet.
Then, a few days ago, my mother called me and asked me-yet again-when she could meet her ‘first grandchild’, as she called it, and, finally, I broke.
I told her that she would never be allowed to as far as I was concerned (and as Todd and I had privately discussed) because she didn’t accept Evan as her grandson/had never cared about him just because he was adopted, which-in her eyes-seemed to put him on a much, much lower level.
She had started to absolutely sob through the phone and told me that she just wanted to see my little baby girl one time and that she was sorry and loved me. She truly sounded regretful and apologetic. I also know that she must feel especially bad, though, because I’m also an only child, and Todd and I don’t want any more children, meaning that my daughter will likely be the only grand-baby she’ll ever have.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother treated her grandson like trash and then expected to be able to coddle her granddaughter, which would absolutely be a devastating thing for your son to witness and may even seed resentment from him towards her, about her being biologically related and how she’s treated like ‘real family’ because of it.
There would be no way to cover up why grandma treats her granddaughter so much better. She’d get better presents and clear preferential treatment, all the time, and your son would just be like, ‘what?!’.
You are absolutely doing the right thing keeping your kids away from that.” BBALE131
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
B***d doesn’t always equal family.
Family is much more than that and is made in many different ways. She showed you, your husband, and most importantly Evan that he is not worthy to be classed as family.
Her words might not have said it to him, but her face/actions have.
Once isn’t going to be enough and I think you know that. She shut the door on her opportunity to be a grandmother because of the biological parentage of one of the only two grandkids she will ever have isn’t b***d.
That’s on her.” HunterDangerous1366
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but the loving saint of a mother to Evan. I feel for you and wouldn’t throw ever letting her meet the baby off the table. She needs to create a relationship with Evan, authentically, as a prerequisite.
She is facing consequences & I understand old people have preconceived notions but she was actively creating a poor self-image in your child and didn’t attempt to remedy it. Therapy would be a great requirement & allow you to write a sealed letter she gives to the therapist as a way for them to see your side before she tries to play the poor me card… cuts to the chase and will allow the therapist to get through to her more efficiently.
It DOES help & she may heal quite a few other things along the way. Good luck – just know that you are a great protective mother. I commend you for your nurturing of relationships, even with your mom I see how you want to let her love your kids and in turn, let her be in your circle lovingly but it’s so wonderful you see the worth in your family to have not let her manipulate you.
Hard work ahead. Sending love.” daniiiberryy
12. AITJ For Telling My Fiancé's Family That He's Unemployed?
“My fiance (m33) comes from a well-off family, and I (f29) come from a working-class family. My fiance’s family is nice but they can’t help throwing comments at me about how I ‘might be’ a ‘Gold Digger’. For example, if he buys me something they’ll go ‘oh Jason bought you that?
You know what this looks like right?’ And/or ‘Wait, Jason paid for this? Only gold diggers make their partners pay for stuff all the time, just sayin’… It’s so demeaning and my fiance does nothing to stop it.
Especially now that he’s in a bad place in life after he lost his job. And since he’s keeping it secret then, I’m the one paying for everything. This has been going on for 4 months.
Last week, His parents invited us for dinner and he insisted that we go so we went.
At the dinner table, his mom grabbed my hand (literally while I was eating!!) And looked at my bracelet and went ‘Oh, this bracelet looks really nice, did Jason pay for it?’ I nodded and reminded her that he bought it for me as a birthday gift last year.
She was like ‘hmmm, wonder how much it costs…’ she then leaned back and said, ‘You know I remember when my brother was going out with this gold digger woman… she’d receive expensive stuff like this (pointing at the bracelet) bracelet here for her birthdays…’
I was stunned, I cut her off and asked if she meant to say that I was a Gold Digger. She threw her hands up and went ‘I mean… if the shoe fits…’ while laughing awkwardly. Silence took over.
I looked at my fiance and he shook his head at me like ‘what?!?!?!’ I snapped! I told her it was bold of her to imply I was a Gold Digger when I’m literally providing for her unemployed son, and have been for 4 months now.
They all looked shocked. She glanced at me in shock and his dad asked if it was true and my fiance just froze but looked so angry. An argument ensued and dinner was cut short and we had to leave after they started berating him.
He had a rage fit in the car just yelling and lashing at me. In my defense, I said that he sat by and let his mom continuously imply that I was a Gold Digger but he said that they never outright called me a Gold Digger so it was all in my head.
He said I still had no right to take advantage of his ‘unfortunate circumstance’ to get back at his mom and expose him to the family. His parents went on about how disappointed they were and now, as a result, he got disinvited from Thanksgiving.
He blew up at me because of it this morning and kept saying I screwed him over so badly when he was just an innocent bystander.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your fiance & his family sure are. His mom literally said ‘if the shoe fits’ when you asked if she was calling you a gold digger meaning she was indeed calling you a gold digger!
The fact he’s claiming she never outright called you that is a lie & he knows it. Listen, I’m not sure exactly what qualities he has that make you want to marry or even be in a relationship with him because he’s sat back for a very long time allowing his family to mistreat you with their ‘comments’ (they mean it, by the way.
They think you’re not good enough because you & your family aren’t rich) & he’s said & done nothing to stop them or protect you.
Now he’s lashing out at you for having enough finally & defending yourself by pointing out something he was trying to hide to keep up appearances.
Personally, I’d have already dumped him when he didn’t defend me & nip his family’s ‘comments’ in the bud the first time. If he actually loved & respected you he wouldn’t sit there & allow those ‘jokes’ to occur, in my opinion.
You told the truth & it’s not your fault he didn’t step up & say something before you had to. Take a step back & really look at your relationship & how he’s allowed you to be treated without considering the gifts he gives to keep those glasses rosey.
Has he truly treated you like a loving & caring partner should? Imo you deserve better than someone who can buy pretty things while allowing others to treat you like you’re beneath them simply because you don’t come from money.” DearOP_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ unless you end up marrying this weasel.
He’s a huge jerk for not telling his family/mom to knock that crap off. Just because she didn’t say: OP, I think you are a GOLD DIGGER! Doesn’t mean she wasn’t saying it over and over and over again by implication and thinking she was being all clever and funny.
Inference/implication and passive-aggressive nonsense like what she was doing are obvious.
Your fiance is a cowardly jerk and honestly, he may be stupid if he thinks this wasn’t something he should have jumped on when his mom started in on it.
Innocent bystander? Oh God no. Parasitic whiny loser who lets his future wife be treated like crap and then throws tantrums when he’s embarrassed about her standing up for herself because he’s outed as a whiny loser? Yeah, that fits.” 1Cattywampus1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She is constantly mentioning that you might be a gold digger but as long as she is not directly accusing you of being it, it’s fine for OP’s partner/husband.
He is the jerk for not defending you.
His family is a jerk for reminding OP that they have second thoughts about OP and obviously tolerate her but do not respect her.
However, using his unemployment is not a nice move. But the given circumstances are a perfect move for showing off how ridiculous they behave.
However, the situation will be the same after OP’s husband/partner turns to employment.
Stand your ground OP and do not tolerate this behavior toward you. Speak with your husband/partner about how you feel. If he still does not get it, he will never get it and defend you.
Respect is so important and it will constantly nag you to be not respected. You can choose the environment you’re spending your time on also with and what kind of people.” PudeldesTodes91
11. AITJ For Wanting Legal Rights To My Friend's Baby?
“I (28f) live with my friend and roommate (30f) in a flat that I own.
We have been friends for almost a decade and have lived together a few times over the years and when I bought my place she asked to move in. It was a good deal, she gets to save to buy by paying reduced rent and I get some help with the mortgage.
My friend is also from a super religious family but does not follow a lot of her family’s beliefs now (premarital relations, drinking, etc) her parents have accepted this but ask that she keeps that part of her life hidden.
The problems started when my friend found out she was pregnant from a one-night stand and decided to keep the baby.
Her parents disowned her and she was heartbroken, but not surprised. I told her that I was ok with her continuing to pay rent here and live with me for as long as she needs and she gave birth to her baby boy A 6 months ago.
Around 2 months ago her parents got back in touch and told her they’d like to see her. She has lots of much younger siblings who she helped raise so she was super excited to go and see them, but they asked her not to take the baby as they don’t want to be involved with him.
I offered to look after A while she saw her siblings, thinking it would be a one-time deal. Now she visits them almost every weekend and sometimes during the week (often staying the night) while I look after A.
I didn’t mind too much, to begin with (he’s a very good baby and I love hanging out with him) but A got sick last weekend just before she left to stay at her parents’ house for the night and after his temperature got super high I took him to the hospital. It took her SIX hours to answer her phone and she still didn’t come to the hospital for another three (her parents live an hour away).
I felt so powerless when A was sick because I’m not his mum or guardian and the hospital had regulations about how much I could do for and be with him and although he’s better now, I’m worried about looking after him again.
She asked me to take care of him again this weekend and I lost it, I explained that she had really put me in a horrible position while he was ill and if she doesn’t give me some sort of guardianship/medical rights over him I won’t be watching him again.
She cried and said I’m holding her hostage now by giving her an ultimatum that means she can’t see her parents if she doesn’t agree to give me rights to her son and now I feel like I may be the jerk.
Edit: I’ve been thinking very short term, really just about trying to help my friend and look after A, I don’t think I realized what the long-term implications of continuing to help her with him or for asking for legal rights for him would do and I do think she’s taking advantage of me a bit here.
I am going to try and talk to her soon, to discuss what exactly is happening at home with her parents and try to figure out a long-term plan in regards to her living with me and me taking care of A so frequently.
I’m also going to try and gently being up post-partum depression as I hadn’t considered that as an issue.”
Another User Comments:
“Whoa whoa whoa. Okay first of all NTJ. Not even close.
Second of all, if she doesn’t see how dangerous this situation could have been for her SON, that’s a problem.
It’s great she’s trying to reconnect with her family, but she’s a mother now and she can’t just leave her kid every weekend to hang out with people who want to pretend he doesn’t exist. That isn’t healthy, and it’s bordering on mistreatment/neglect.
The only reason I say bordering is that thankfully she has you there to take care of this baby.
There is a fairly easy process to grant someone a medical proxy in most states. She wouldn’t be giving up her rights to her son in any way, she’s just allowing you to make medical decisions in the event there is another emergency and she TAKES 6 HOURS TO REPLY.
I cannot, under any circumstances, imagine a scenario where I am still breathing and it takes me that long to check my phone when one of my kids is with a babysitter.” marajade423
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your friend sure is.
She doesn’t have to give you guardianship, but she needs to sign something that says you have all the right to make magical decisions for the baby if/when she cannot be contacted. I’d probably get it notarized while I’m at it.
So there’s that, now as far as holding her hostage? Oh no, she’s got that backward.
Let’s look at this – her parents want nothing to do with her when she gets pregnant, then they say, yeah come back into the fold- but without the baby.
So your friend is just having it all isn’t she? She gets to dump (yes, I say dump, because that’s exactly what she’s doing) the baby on you whenever she feels like going home.
And then when she’s good and ready to come back she resumes care of HER CHILD.
You are a saint for agreeing to any of this.
She needs to decide, is she a mother to the child who she decided to keep full well knowing how her parents would react, or is she going to pretend he doesn’t exist to make her parents happy?
This baby isn’t going to disappear, you will be watching this boy for years to come because if her parents don’t accept him now what makes you think that will ever change?
Are you ok with that?” Mentalcomposer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I was curious to see where this was going. I guess you kind of have a point though. She cannot regularly leave the baby with you for long periods of time and be that unreachable without making sure you at least have the right to get the baby medical care when he needs it.
I am sure there are simple forms you could both sign that would give you medical power of attorney in her absence without actually giving you custody/parental rights.
But I think there are much larger issues at play here.
Obviously, she is in a very emotionally vulnerable state given the stress surrounding her pregnancy and being disowned by her family. Her behavior seems a bit off. Has she been evaluated for post-partum depression? Did she visit her parents this much before the baby?
Are you sure her parents know that she kept the baby? It sounds like maybe she told them she put it up for adoption to get back in their good graces. Even if they don’t want to see the baby, they must wonder where it is while she is with them.” Forward_Squirrel8879
10. AITJ For Letting My Partner Drive Alone?
“My partner (30) doesn’t like driving and doesn’t have a car. She owns a flat in the city center on a street blocked off for cars, you have to walk 500m from the nearest street with cars and parking is impossible in at least a 2km radius.
She also comes from a wealthy family. Her sister lives with her with her partner. I come flower-class class family but have worked my way up to the middle class with hard work in scholarship. I think that could explain my partner’s family’s attitude towards me because I haven’t done anything to them or have ever even been rude to them.
I’m moving in with my partner and on the way, my car, which was packed with basically everything I own, broke down. Long story short I put my car with the nearest mechanic, was told it would take several days and stepped outside with everything I own in Ikea bags.
My family lives far and I don’t have any friends in that area, so I called my partner and asked if she knew someone who could help because the alternative was paying for a really long taxi ride. She borrowed her mother’s car and told me she was on her way.
She drove to get me and back home, for which I’m incredibly grateful. She tried calling her sister to ask if they could help us get my stuff up, but she didn’t answer.
When we got there and still had no answer, we could either take the car to my partner’s mother together and try squeezing my things in the taxi, she could have dropped me off and waited in a no-parking spot for 20-30 minutes, dropped me off and circled around until I’d be back or let me out with everything I have, drive alone to her mother to give her the car back and get home with the subway.
At least those were all the options we came up with at that time. We decided she’d drop me off with everything and drive to give the car back alone.
It was a really slow and long walk because I had a lot of stuff and it was heavy but I managed to get into the building.
The moment I tried to get into the apartment though, I was blocked by my partner’s sister and her partner shouting at me, asking what I’d done to my partner and where she was. Apparently, they saw she’d called and tried calling her back but she wasn’t answering (she was driving).
They didn’t let me get a word in, said they knew I was no good from day one, threatened me with the police, and slammed the door in my face.
I spent a lot of really awkward time waiting outside of the door with my bags.
My partner finally came home and when she heard what happened, she got into a shouting match with her sister, reminding her she lived there rent-free. Her sister retorted saying she was trying to look out for her and that she should dump me because no man should ‘let’ his partner drive alone at night.
Things are pretty tense right now. Her whole family hates me and I’d like to fix this situation, but I have no idea how.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. She’s an adult you don’t need to ‘let’ her drive alone.
And how would they have reacted if she needed to go somewhere at night and you didn’t let her leave? They would’ve been passed if you had tried to prevent her from leaving. Nothing you can do or say will ever make them like you.
They won’t change their biases or classes for you. The best thing to do is to keep your space from her family and try not to let them affect you. Live with the knowledge that if that family ever lost their money they would be a disaster, if you lost your money you could build yourself back up like you did before.” shigarakillme
Another User Comments:
“There’s nothing to fix. Your partner’s family is intrusive, elitist, and sexist. They are the problem, so if anyone is going to ‘fix’ anything, it will have to be them. Your partner is 30 years old. Her family’s expectations and behavior are ridiculous.
It sounds like your partner recognizes that. She clearly isn’t interested in being treated like a porcelain doll instead of a person. She also seems to believe her sister overstepped. Her opinion is the only one that matters. Support her.
Communicate with her. Establish boundaries with her family and stick to them. NTJ.” TheRebelArsenal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her sister doesn’t want you to move in, so she created a bogus situation to cause drama. You can’t change her sister, but what you can do is be the best partner and roommate that you can be.
Be patient, kind, respectful, and courteous. Don’t rise to the bait anytime the sister or the guy tries to annoy you or get you involved in an argument. Be Zen. So calm. Your partner wants you there.” feminist1946
9. AITJ For Coming To The Condo Without An Advanced Notice?
“I am a mother to a 20-year-old daughter. She is a junior in college and attends school in the same city where we live.
My daughter and two of her friends live in a condo that I own. Her friends pay below-market rent while my daughter does not. The condo was inherited from my parents and it was their intent that I would pass ownership of it to my daughter when she is mature enough to own her own place.
My daughter, husband, and I are in agreement that she will take over ownership of the condo when she is out of school and financially independent.
Earlier this week, my daughter mentioned that she had run out of some household supplies and would have to set aside time to go shopping before the end of the week.
My daughter’s schedule has been especially rough lately, as she has picked up extra shifts at her part-time job due to short staffing. Wanting to be helpful, I offered to pick up the supplies for her and drop them off at her place.
She accepted.
The next day, I picked up the supplies and took them to the condo. I knew my daughter was in class, so I knocked and, when no one answered, let myself in. The front door opens into the living room.
When I entered, I found one of my daughter’s roommates being intimate with a man on the living room couch. I was obviously mortified, so I left the supplies at the door and left right away. I didn’t say anything to my daughter about what happened because I didn’t want to put her in an uncomfortable position but I did let her know that I had dropped off the supplies.
On Friday, I got an angry email from the roommate’s parents. I’m not sure exactly what they were told but their email lambasted me for invading their daughter’s privacy. They said that what I did was wrong because I’m their daughter’s landlord and I entered the condo without giving 24-hour notice.
They’re threatening to take legal action if I do it again. I am vaguely familiar with this requirement but didn’t think it was applicable here. Was I the jerk in this situation? I feel bad about what happened but I also don’t feel like I was out of line.
Edit: My daughter was aware that I was coming to drop off the supplies and asked that I leave them in the kitchen, which is adjacent to the living room.
Edit 2: I am not asking for judgment on whether I violated the law.
I checked in with a friend who is a lawyer and he thinks that, because my daughter gave explicit permission to enter the home and drop off the supplies, I’m in the clear. I am asking whether I was the jerk for doing so.
UPDATE: I called and texted my daughter asking to discuss the situation. She can’t speak to me right now because her roommates are fighting and she’s mediating, but she is aware of the situation and sent me a quick explanation.
My daughter had notified all the roommates that I was coming over but roommate 1 apparently forgot. The man she was with was roommate 2’s SO. She freaked out and contacted her parents because she was scared I would spill the beans.
I still don’t know exactly what she told her parents but I assume it wasn’t the full story. I have never met roommate 2’s SO, so I didn’t know it was him. Roommate 1 and roommate 2 are fighting now and, needless to say, roommate 1 will be moving out.
I will be writing a more comprehensive, formal lease for roommate 2 for both my protection and hers but, in all honesty, roommate 2 is wonderful and I do not anticipate that there will be any problems.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your daughter said you could go in.
You’re doing them a favor by charging them below-market rent. They were hooking up in a common space that I’m sure the housemates wouldn’t be happy with. They’re mad they got caught doing something disgusting. They have a ton of gall to try and come at you legally.
You are in no way the jerk. It’s a complicated situation with you being the landlord and the mother, but regardless of legal obligations, you are not the jerk at all. They can have fun trying to sue you and then even more fun not having their lease renewed and paying much more next year.
Everyone here is obsessed with strict legal obligations as opposed to morals and being a decent human. They are the jerks and psychotic to get their parents involved. I’m also certain the parents don’t know what you walked in on.” slowestcorn
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, your daughter knew you were coming and should have warned her roommate, in the future, you should text her as well just to cover all your bases. The roommate isn’t in the wrong either, she had to have been mortified. I would suggest sending an apology email.
A simple ‘My sincerest apologies, I offered to pick up some supplies for my daughter because she has been busy. I had incorrectly assumed she had notified her roommate that I was dropping off the items, I will be sure to text her as well next time to avoid anything like this in the future.’
I would also tell your daughter what happened, assuming her roommate hasn’t already told her. You don’t have to describe what was going on but tell her next time she asks you to come by to please let her roommate know because you walked in on her and it was an embarrassing moment because the roommate wasn’t expecting her and was in a vulnerable state.
If your daughter asks you to go into details you can just say she was in a state of undress or something. The roommate can elaborate if she wants to. That way it sounds like you walked in on her in a towel or maybe changing her shirt or making a bowl of cereal in her underpants.” Ezada
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were there as a mom, not a landlord. You knocked, but there was no answer, so you went in with the permission of one of the people who live there. In the future, it would be wise if your daughter let her roommates know that her mom might be dropping something off inside the house.
This is embarrassing for the roommate and you, but it’s not as if you walked in on her shooting some adult videos. She needs to grow up.
I would seriously consider whether to renew her lease. Was she on her own personal couch?
Did she at least lay a towel down? OMG, can you imagine if the last time you were there if you accidentally touched something tacky/sticky and wondered what it was? Now you know.
But seriously, if she wants to live in a place where no roommates have parents that live nearby then she needs to move.
And good on you for helping your daughter out. She obviously has a lot going on and having someone like you that she can count on is a blessing.” slicknshine
8. AITJ For Wasting The Cops' Time?
“My (F32) father (56) lives with me. After my mom passed away a few years ago he had trouble dealing with life and I tried to help him out. I had a spare room and I said he could stay there.
My siblings are I cleaned up my parents’ house and we rented it out. With his 100% agreement.
The money covers the mortgage and lets him contribute to my household budget for food and utilities. And he has a little money every month so he doesn’t have to go into his savings or retirement funds.
He could go back to work but he hasn’t. I’m not a mental health professional but he won’t go to one either. I think he is just depressed but I cannot make that diagnosis.
I work from home at only occasionally meet clients for lunch or at their workplace.
So my car usually sits for days on end.
My father got the idea that I didn’t really need a car for myself and when my aunt’s car broke down he started letting her borrow mine. Without my permission. I told him that if he wants to lend out a car he should lend out his.
He drives a very nice full-size truck. He says that my aunt is uncomfortable driving it. I said that I didn’t care and that I needed my vehicle to be available. He said that family helps the family. I said my car was mine and not to be lent out.
I spoke with my aunt and told her to stop asking for my car.
He decided to test my patience. He trapped me in the garage with his truck and left the house one day when he knew I had a meeting.
I had to Uber to the meeting. I was almost late. I was absolutely livid. When I got home his car was still there but my car was gone. My aunt needed it for appointments.
I told him that it was time for him to move out.
He isn’t just inconveniencing me now. He is actively sabotaging my job. He cried that he was sorry and wouldn’t do it again. I gave him one last chance.
There were no problems until yesterday. He lent out my car so my aunt could visit her kid.
He had had a key made. I saw that my car was missing and I did not even ask. I called and reported it stolen.
My car has a tracker in it because it’s not paid off. It was easy to find.
I, in the meantime, had turned off my phone and gone shopping. I was unavailable when everyone started calling me to tell the cops that my aunt has my permission to take my car.
I feel bad for wasting the cop’s time and my family says my aunt was traumatized. My dad is moving in with her now.
I did drop the charges and clear everything up. But my family is still mad at me. I am mostly mad at my father but my aunt bore the brunt.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all!
You set boundaries and they both broke them.
Repeatedly!
Sounds like this problem has not resolved itself with him moving in with the Aunt. Which can now better suit them both, he isn’t working and has a vehicle, he can shuttle the Aunt around.
Since it’s costly and a pain to change ignition locks on cars, I would just keep parking it in the garage and make sure he has no access to the house without permission.
I’d also make sure not to use any more money from the rental of his house, let him and the aunt figure that out, but legally you have no claim to it.” zombiestig1
Another User Comments:
“Your father seems to think himself as the ‘man of the house’ (never mind that it’s your house) and your property as his to do as he pleases with.
You have simply corrected that misconception after talking to him (on several occasions) failed to work. He understood your boundaries perfectly, he just choose to ignore them. And please don’t stress yourself out on the account of your aunt being ‘traumatized’.
She knew she wasn’t allowed to take your car, which makes the theft intentional. Interacting with police is a natural consequence of theft, she’s lucky you’re not pressing charges. Your aunt and father seem perfect for each other, really. They can have fun house-sharing.
NTJ” suntdracones
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. You even told her not to ask for your car. You earned your father. He should have gotten in trouble too. He’s the one who lent the car to her without permission. Why did you drop the charges?
If I were you, I’d change the locks on the car and the house. I’d reprogram the garage door opener too. It’s not hard to do. Look up the info on your garage door opener. It doesn’t take long to do.
Make your dad pay for the lock changes. He created this mess. He can pay for you having to clean it up.
Send an email with a read receipt or certified letter to let him know this, as well as a deadline for his stuff to be out of your home.
Check with the local laws. They should have guidelines for this. Also, state that he has to set up the time with you to get his stuff. Don’t take any nonsense.” ImaginaryStandard293
7. AITJ For Inviting My Dad's Wife To My Wedding?
“I’m (28M) currently planning a wedding for this March.
My fiancee and I are keeping it relatively small with around 30-40 people. My parents got divorced a couple of years ago and my dad remarried rather quickly to Jen. Jen is a lot younger than my parents, 32 I think, and absolutely gorgeous, and this bothers my mom quite a bit.
I get that it’s a big age gap but I figure she’s an adult who can make her own decisions and they seem really happy together so whatever. She’s always been super nice to me and my fiancee, so I have nothing against her.
My parents’ divorce was a little messy with my dad initiating it, my mom will still make digs at my dad but my dad just doesn’t talk about her, or if he does he only says positive things.
Well, when going over the guest with my mother she had a bunch of family friends she asked if I was inviting.
I told her no because those are people I don’t consider myself close to and my fiancee and I want it to be small, immediate family, some cousins, and good friends. She asked if Jen was getting an invite, and I told her of course.
She is my dad’s wife and we have a good relationship, so yes she will be there. My mom freaked out. Said these family friends have been in my life way longer than Jen and I’m choosing a golddigger (my father would be considered wealthy by most people) over these people.
I told her I’m allowing my father to bring a plus one, and I never would have considered inviting my mother’s friends again because I’m not close to them. She then said she doesn’t know if she’ll go to the wedding if Jen’s there.
Not wanting to deal with this, I told her that saddens me but to make up her mind by January as that’s when we need a number for the Venue. She then told me I’m choosing Jen over my own mother.
I don’t personally feel that way but my older sister who is Jen’s age also doesn’t love the whole situation and is saying I should just uninvite Jen. AITJ for keeping Jen on the list? Personally, I think Jen is awesome and would love to celebrate with her, and I think the whole thing is pretty dumb.
Edit: Yes, I have offered my mom a plus one if she wants to bring a date or a friend. No, Jen was not an affair partner though my sister and I both are pretty sure they either both had an affair or they had an open marriage.
The marriage was never seemed like a great one as long as I can remember. While they just got divorced a few years ago, it was on life support far before that.
My fiancee and I spoke about this more and slept on it.
Talked about it at breakfast, and we’ve decided to not rescind Jen’s invite. She and my dad have done nothing wrong and we’d love to have them both with us to celebrate. We hope my mom can be cordial as well.
But if she decides she can’t and won’t go, it is what it is. We’re excited to get married and celebrate with those who are excited to celebrate with us.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I know the type of marriage you mean, both had an affair or open marriage and neither was the bad guy just a bad marriage that ended. If Jen is good with your mom (ie doesn’t bash her or isn’t rude to her) and doesn’t cross her boundaries as far as she’s not your mom and won’t be treated as such.
Then invite away. Your mom and dad both deserve happiness and it’s not fair that your dad can’t bring his wife because your mom is single at the moment.
As for her friends at your wedding, unless you’re close, I have never and will never understand parents thrusting their friends into kids’ weddings.
As for your response nothing wrong with it. You gave her the choice if she’s uncomfortable and seeing as Jen didn’t do anything wrong I understand you not making a choice. Leaving it open in your mom’s court. As for your sister, it’s not her wedding and her feelings around Jen and her age/situation are her cross to bear and sort out herself.
Have the best wedding day dear! Enjoy every moment regardless of who’s there it’s about you and your future spouse.” FiaWaldorf
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you have no regard towards your Mom’s feelings, she is literally on her own for your wedding with no support for herself.
You are being unnecessarily cruel by not even allowing a couple of her friends to join her.
Of course, she wants to celebrate her child getting married, and I know some people are saying she should******* up but I don’t agree that it’s easy for anyone in her position.
She’s alone and her ex-husband will be there with his new and younger, attractive partner.
On top of that, you have a weird attraction to your father’s wife so I’m gonna say that is super creepy and has such a weird vibe.
It sounds more like you’re looking forward to eyeballing your father’s wife at your own wedding than actually caring about the woman who birthed you and your future wife who I assume is actually been steamrollered into compliance and has no idea her future husband is creeping on his stepmother.
YTJ – she’s your Mom and stop ogling at your Dad’s wife.” Upper-File462
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your dad and Jen were smack-talking your mom, it would be different, but your mom is the one that talks negatively about him.
It sounds like your mom is bitter that your dad got someone more compatible and is probably upset that your dad is happier without her. Similar age doesn’t always equal compatibility, a couple with a huge age gap can have an amazing marriage and relationship while a couple that’s the same age can have a terrible relationship and marriage.
A lot of it comes down to personality. I’m happy for you and happy your dad has an amazing marriage with Jen. I hope your mom comes around, but don’t let her take the lead on your wedding.” User
6. AITJ For Being Annoyed At My Dad's Comments About Food?
“I’m (16F) just starting my first year of college (UK).
My mum is Thai and I grew up with her cooking. My stepdad, a classic white guy who loves his oven chips and thinks salt is spicy, is the one who does the food shopping but he never gets anything for me to eat
Since there was no food for me at home, I had to skip meals and the only thing I ever had were things like instant ramen. Every time he would see me eat he’d say ‘all you can do is boil some water’.
If I ever bought my own food so I could eat at home, he always eats it before I’ve even had any. If my mum ever brought me leftovers (she was never home), he’d say ‘you’re eating that spicy crap again?
Ugh, that’s disgusting’. I put up with this for years, him constantly slandering any foreign food I ate.
Last week, he asked if I wanted to get takeaway. There’s this one place I really like the sushi from and he asked if I wanted to get something from there, I said yes and he started looking through his options.
He turned and said to me ‘what sushi do you even get from there?’ Before I even replied he started reading out the description.
‘10 piece sushi roll with wasabi, ew, soy sauce, ugh, and pickled ginger. How can you even eat this crap?’
Then he starts scrolling through each of the rolls they had.
‘Sea bass, ugh, raw tuna!? Ew.’ etc and he pulled a face as he read each one out.
At this point, I was getting pretty sick of his constant comments on the food he personally doesn’t eat.
M: why do you feel the need to pull a face at everything that isn’t English?
SD: what did you just say? I’m not pulling a face, I just can’t stand the crap.
M: you don’t have to be so rude about it though, I don’t like how you comment on the foods I like, especially when they’re foreign.
SD: why do you even care so much? it’s just my opinion. I just don’t like their food.
M: I understand that but you don’t have to be so disrespectful, it can be seen as quite offensive too.
Here he starts raising his voice, something he’s never done before.
SD: you and this generation, always getting offended at everything, you know what, I was having a conversation about this with a chick today.
Now I admit this is a bit weird but, sometimes I talk like a chav when I’m angry because I find it funny and it makes me laugh.
So I said…
M: wut you getting pressed for mayte?
And oh my god he exploded
SD: I’M NOT GETTING PRESSED
I decided here to take a quick second and change back to talking calmly
M: so you’re not getting pressed but you’re acting like that?
SD: YOU KNOW WHAT, GO GET YOUR OWN FOOD, GET LOST
So I did, I went for a walk in the pitch black and came back an hour later. I didn’t end up eating.
I told my partner about it, he said I was wrong to bring it up like that and that I’m a jerk.
It’s been a week since then and my stepdad and I haven’t said a single word to each other, he refuses to even look at me. I’m starting to feel kind of guilty and like it’s my fault I escalated it at the wrong time.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The thing that makes me the saddest about the story is how your partner won’t take your side.
You weren’t wrong to bring it up. It’s weird that your stepdad must constantly transmit his feelings about foreign food every time he comes into contact with the idea of it.
He is so full of feelings! And it’s doubly weird when you cannot express your own feelings even once without being screamed at and denied food. Even prisoners are given food.
Your partner is the jerk in not taking your side against that horrible man.
You are in school, you can cook, and reading your words out loud to myself in a chav voice made me laugh. You are a catch, OP! Don’t follow your mother’s example and settle for a lesser kind of man.” DazeIt420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He’s a jerk. He doesn’t have to like it, but he also doesn’t have to comment on it. I also like boring plain crap with no spice, but you won’t hear me complaining about other people not eating the same way.
And the fact if he goes grocery shopping he doesn’t get anything you like seems pretty intentional.
Not talking seems like an improvement, LOL, but if that changes you could try giving it back to him. Constantly make faces and comment on how dull he must be to like food like that, or play into the ‘white people can’t handle spice’ stereotype, or whatever you think will get under his skin.
I hate people who can give but can’t take.” horrifyingthought
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
As we’re the same age. Teach that man that saying words like ‘ew’ ‘trashy’ and ‘disgusting’ to food that he doesn’t like is disrespectful.
This is something I used to do as a kid and my mom would tell me not to cuz what’s ‘crap’ to me is what someone else eats.
It’s not just disrespectful to the person but to the food as well (in my religion we mostly pray for everything natural and everything that helps us live so religion contributes to it).
This man seriously needs to grow up and start accepting other people’s preferences for food.
You’re not white to always eat white food. You are Asian, bought up eating Asian food, and are more comfortable with eating Asian food than other food.
I can’t even imagine him calling salty food spicy.” kookerry
5. AITJ For Discouraging My Wife?
“My wife was a hard worker up until 2020. She worked in health care, at a Dementia Unit, as a medical technician. She lost her job when the kids had to be fully remote for schooling and due to this, she lost herself somewhere along the way.
Became severely depressed, started drinking heavily, got really snappy and overwhelmed when it came to minuscule issues, etc. By the time the kids were able to go back to school she was so withdrawn emotionally and mentally that there was no chance she would go back to work.
She got panic attacks from even having to leave the house. Complete 180 from the woman I married years ago. She started working from home for roughly 10 months collectively but kept losing jobs because she couldn’t focus or some days couldn’t even force herself to get online to work.
I never judged her for any of it because I truly watched the whole thing unfold and I knew she was struggling.
But lately, I’ve been annoyed. Resentful, whatever. She still gets anxious going out in public but not nearly as bad as she was.
She stopped drinking, which is great. She is slowly getting herself back on track but she still doesn’t want to work a 9 to 5. I didn’t say anything about my resentment, however. I just let it ride. Two months ago she signed up for Amazon Sellers and got approved and she started doing that.
She has made about $1300 in revenue, which is about a $600 profit in 2 months. It’s been super slow but she researches daily and has been leaving the house more often on her own (a huge step) to go search out deals and whatever.
Well, two nights ago she was on her computer doing more research and made some comment about ‘I’m starting to wonder if I will even make it in this business. I’m having a hard time getting my profit margin up.’ So I said ‘You probably won’t make it in the business.
It seems like no one ever does.’ She kind of looks at me for a minute and then just closes out of all she was researching and goes silent. I eventually ask what’s wrong and she goes ‘How do you expect me to believe in myself when you sit here and discourage me from trying anything that doesn’t involve a 9 to 5?’ I told her I didn’t discourage her but working a 9 to 5 at least has a steady paycheck and I feel she should be looking for a real job.
She currently isn’t really speaking to me and now I’m curious if I’m wrong. AITJ? (Money is not an issue but I’m sure it will be eventually)
ETA: my wife is in therapy.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Unless I’m really misunderstanding, your wife didn’t LOSE her job at the start of 2020, she LEFT her job at the start of 2020.
How did that choice get made? Was she enthusiastically on board, or was it more that you argued against working it out another way, such as you leaving your job, or her cutting hours while you made other sacrifices like working from home part-time?
Then she spent months and years with (it sounds like) sole responsibility for managing the kids and their schooling. She became depressed because who wouldn’t? What did you do to help her during that time? Were you truly an equal partner?
Did you help her get counseling?
Then, as she’s trying to find a way to contribute financially, you discourage her and again try to push her in the direction YOU want her to go.
Look, I get that you are probably really stressed and could use some support yourself.
You’ve been through a lot! But I think you’re being unfair and inconsiderate to your wife, and that’s where you’re being a jerk.” thesparrohawk
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Whether your wife is making little crochet teddies and selling them on a market stool or writing a book, she needs to know you’re in her corner no matter what.
I know you’ve put that your wife is currently in therapy but it may be something you want to look into to doing together. Your resentment at her changing isn’t healthy and will only fester the longer things stay the same.
Life throws curve balls at us. No one is who they think they will be in 10 years but you’re married and that means no matter what you’re there for each other. She should feel comfortable being vulnerable around you and know you have her back.
If you wanted to broach the subject of her working because you’re concerned about finances etc? That’s 100% fine and the right thing to do. But making snide comments isn’t the way to make anything better.” Stealthoneill
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Totally the jerk. If she had any energy, she should leave you. You admittedly watched her struggle. Watched her become increasingly depressed and start self-medicating with drinking. Her anxiety became almost paralyzing… and yet you did nothing. Despite your lack of help and support, she started to do better, quit drinking, and slowly started re-engaging in the world.
And your resentful, nasty self has to blindside her again with your jerk charm by telling her that it’s not enough, that she needs a ‘real job’. Wow, what a piece of work you are.
That ‘quiet’ resentment of yours is toxic.
Your wife needs help, definitely some counseling. And you need a total attitude overhaul because you were a jerk to her. I can’t tell you enough what a jerk you’ve been to her. Don’t be surprised if once she regains her footing in life, she leaves you.
You haven’t acted like a life partner to her – she deserves better.” Fragrant-Art-4753
4. AITJ For Not Letting My Sister-In-Law And Her Baby Stay Over?
“My husband and his sister (SIL) have over a 5-year age gap and they are very different from one another and so they do not really have much communication besides SIL only messaging him when she needs something.
Never once has she wished him Happy Birthday or Congrats for something, and so she already is not my favorite person. After no communication from her for over 7 months she is asking to stay in our guest room overnight before going to a family event.
My husband and I live in a 2 bedroom apartment. The spare room is used as an office and for guests so there’s a large desk and a bed in there. This weekend we have a family event that is roughly 30 min from our apartment.
SIL lives an hour from us and so her drive to the event would be 1.5 hours. She asked if she, her husband, her 4-year-old daughter, and a 1.5-week-old infant can stay with us before the event. Her reasoning was that she did not want to drive the extra hour and would rather drive in parts.
My husband was on the fence about it since he hasn’t seen our niece in over a year and has yet to meet the baby but I flat-out said no. My reasoning was that we share a wall with the bedroom and I am a light sleeper, I would be super sleep-deprived being woken up every few hours by a 1.5-week-old baby and we have 3 events to go to the next day.
I also did not feel comfortable with them staying all in one room. It’s not a large room and I do not own a crib/bassinet and do not have an extra bed for the 4-year-old to sleep in.
I am being told by some friends that I’m the jerk, that its only one night, and that it would have been nice bonding time for us and our nieces, but I just don’t think it’s practical or safe for her to come with a 1.5 week old when we are not set up for that.
I’m starting to think that maybe I made too big of a deal about it, so AITJ?
Edit: She went pretty much no contact with us after we let her stay with us last summer cause she was going to divorce her husband.
We watched our niece for free while my husband and I work from home full time. During that time she provided no food, clothes, or toys for her daughter while we watched her. We instead bought everything for her. She then left to reconcile with her husband, not thanking you at all, just quietly left. Came home one day and all of her and our niece’s stuff was gone.
The last time she contacted us was when she sent a picture of her pregnancy test to my husband. No comment, just a picture. My husband tried to reach out and she never replied back. So no I don’t think she would have brought a bed with her.”
Another User Comments:
“A very soft YTJ. It sounds like your SIL has been going through it and the way you worded it made her sound like she’s not the nicest person. I get that you’re frustrated with the situation, but she was on the verge of going through a divorce, she could’ve just been stressed and forgot everything while she was in a hurry to leave, as well as probably embarrassed about her situation.
Your husband and his sister could just very well be content with having minimal contact.
Driving an hour and a half isn’t that big of a deal unless you have toddlers and a newborn. That 1.5-hour drive could turn into a lot longer drive… Stopping to feed, and change diapers.
It’s one night, and if your husband wants to spend time with his nieces, let it happen. He even told you that he wants to spend time with them, and you flat out said no because they don’t have the constant contact you would like.” AdMassive6645
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – SIL sounds a little weird and rude in her past behavior – leaving your home without a word after you housed her & her child when she was estranged from her husband, texting you a pix of her pregnancy test, and then ghosting you.
Even her request to stay overnight to break up a 1.5-hour drive – like 1.5 hours is not that long of a drive. But whatever, maybe she is using that as an excuse for some bonding time. Just for the opp to bond, I would not consider it a big deal to let her stay.
You seem to be holding on to some resentment over her past (admittedly, odd) behavior. Your excuses are flimsy; she could bring a bassinet & have the 4-year-old sleep in a pack & play or inflatable toddler bed.” uwe0x123
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not chatting with the sister-in-law to let her know the challenges of the room and what your reservations are.
She sucks and doesn’t value you guys very much. That said, if your husband wants to meet the baby and see his niece, it’s worth putting up with the parents and having one rough night of sleep even if you have ‘events’ the next day (depending on what they are).” pnandgillybean
3. AITJ For Keeping On Feeding My Nephew?
“My (27F) nephew (4) and sister (21) have started staying with me recently. She’s been trying to get a job and has picked up a few odd jobs (cleaning, babysitting) while she is gone I usually babysit my nephew.
He just kind of hangs out with me or plays with his toys. I feed him dinner if she’s been gone for a while. When she is home all she feeds him is chips, cookies, candy, cereal, or mac and cheese.
That’s it. She claims the cereal has all the vitamins and minerals he needs since she puts milk in it as well. Nephew is average in height and weight so he’s not starving but it’s not the healthiest lifestyle for him.
She claims he won’t eat anything else.
While she’s been gone in the evenings I’ve been introducing new foods to him. He loves vegetables such as raw carrots, peas, and green beans. He also really likes fruit.
I’ve been making him waffles, eggs, bacon, oatmeal, and cream of wheat as well and he eats everything. He doesn’t seem picky at all.
She came home last night and he was finishing up a grilled cheese with tomato soup and she flipped out on me.
Told me that I shouldn’t be feeding him things that he doesn’t like and that I was force-feeding him by not giving him a choice of what he wanted to be fed.
I told her she was absolutely ridiculous and that he enjoyed new foods and that she was just too lazy to ever cook for him and used ready-made meals.
She blew up on me for calling her a ‘bad mom’ she’s constructed that I’ve been force-feeding her son while she’s gone and told all her friends who have ganged up on me saying I was out of line and that I overstepped the boundary and I wasn’t his mother.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If the kid doesn’t know there exists such cuisine as ‘grilled cheese and tomato soup’ of course they don’t know to ask for it.
Keep on feeding the kiddo and talk to your sister, maybe offer to make her some portions too.
She might be having some mom guilt that happens pretty easily, especially on young moms (been there!) and especially if she’s struggling with money (been there too!).
Try to find some kind of common ground, maybe she needs reassurance her cooking isn’t what makes a good mom, her love is.
Of course, a diverse healthy diet is good but that’s something people can pick up as an adult too if they’re motivated. It’s not the end of the world.” Elelith
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I really feel for your sister.
She’s at that age where literally everyone judges her and likely cuts her down on her parenting.
There is a thing where kids will behave differently for someone other than their parents. ‘The uncle effect’. She may be trying to get him to eat other foods but he refuses… so for him to do so with you probably hurts and makes her feel worthless.
The fact she is eating a single cheeseburger or fries all day tells me she is in a drastic financial situation and the candy is likely free Halloween candy she is trying to use to offset the cost of groceries.
Give her support. Help her figure out food stamps, food banks, and WIC if that is available where you live.
Explain the uncle effect to her and that it’s likely because you aren’t mom. He is eating different foods and it’s not a reflection on her.
Be kind. It’s clear she is starving herself and likely hanging on by a thread and lashing out.” yavanna12
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your sister is way too young to be a great parent. She seems to neither have the knowledge nor resources to properly feed her child and is punishing you for doing better than her.
If you want this to stop, she has some major personal growth ahead of her.
Firstly, you’re going to have to set some house rules and stop this in its tracks. It may be a good idea to have everybody eat and cook at the same time, and have meals agreed upon ahead of time.
As you’ve recognized, her kid is simply not getting the right nutrition when your sister is left to do it.
You can’t make her like this, but you can make her do it. It’s your home. If she doesn’t want you taking care of her kid, she should get her own place and pay for a babysitter.
And if she chooses not to do that, then she needs a long talk about finding resources to take care of her kid properly. Like it or not, you have the ability to get CPS involved, and she probably wouldn’t like it if they were the ones deciding she’s a bad mom.
I don’t think you should threaten it like you want it to happen, but this possibility may need to be brought up because it seems like she is intent on badmouthing you and making your life way harder unless you enable her to neglect her kid.” ooooooooooooolivia
2. AITJ For Not Attending My Niece's Wedding?
“My (64f) sister (63f) and I have had a difficult relationship for years – she is manipulative and less than honest. The history of manipulation is too long to get into, so unless someone asks, I won’t get into it.
Her 34-year-old daughter planned a small wedding on a beach in Maine, to which none of us (4 siblings and 93-year-old father) were invited. We were invited to a reception on New Year’s Eve, which starts at 8 pm and ends at 1 am.
My father goes to bed at 8 o’clock, because he is 93. My sister has said that her daughter, who wants zero to do with any of us, planned all of it and she had no control or influence on any part of it; my niece’s other grandparents were invited to her actual beach wedding last month.
We received the invitation and responded that we were attending, in fact, all of us were. There were hard feelings about not being invited to the actual wedding, but nobody complained about it until my sister texted pictures and videos to the group text, and expected lots of positive responses, which she did not get.
She blew a gasket about nobody really responding, and one of my brothers told her he was willing to overlook the initial insult, but after having his face rubbed in the lack of an invitation, with a demand for positive responses, he decided not to travel from a long distance by plane to come to the reception on New Years.
My sister then made a special trip to visit my dad, and to tell him that my family also wasn’t coming, even though we said we were-but I had made it clear after the beach wedding that I was insulted too.
I got in touch with my sister and told her that I considered her upsetting statement to my dad as a retraction of my invitation and that I wasn’t going, either. AITJ? Or is she? I should reiterate that my niece never makes any effort to see my dad, even though she lives nearby, and doesn’t ever attend any family functions.
She is also a victim of my sister’s manipulative nature, I think.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Not for simply not going but because despite trying to paint your sister in a negative light for no apparent reason, YOU are the one who comes across as the epitome of a judgemental, meddling relative who assumes that the whole world revolves around how you think things ought to be done, and who has no respect (much less empathy) for other people’s feelings or circumstances.
Right from the outset, you seem determined to make your sister look bad in a post that isn’t even about her. This is about your niece’s wedding. Your niece, who is a 34-year-old woman. Your sister is absolutely right that her daughter makes her own decisions, as well as she should.
Why on earth would a 63-year-old woman be managing the wedding of her grown daughter who is in her mid-thirties? She is a guest, the mother of the bride. That’s it. But more importantly, there is nothing WRONG with your niece choosing to have a very small wedding; it’s very common at her age and doesn’t indicate a slight against anyone, just a personal preference.
Having said that, given how intrusively opinionated you are about OTHER PEOPLE’S WEDDINGS, I’m not entirely surprised that your niece didn’t want you there, and if your other family members behave similarly…
Similarly, you seem to think that she’s somehow doing something offensive by having an evening reception because your 93-year-old dad ‘goes to bed at 8 PM’.
It’s not his party. Do you actually think that an entire celebration for someone else should have been planned around a 93-year-old’s bedtime schedule? Or is it perhaps more appropriate to say that they understood that he might not be able to attend, but this was the time that made the most sense for them?
I could go on but this is already long. YTJ. None of this is about you, and nothing that your niece did is offensive or hateful. But your including unnecessary, gossipy background and trying to control the situation speaks volumes about the sort of person you are and why you are excluded. I’m impressed that she invited you to the post-wedding celebration at all.
You sound exhausting.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your sister does seem to be starting crap in the group chat so she’s a jerk.
You’re allowed to be offended you didn’t get invited to the wedding when all the inlaws were.
HOWEVER, why did you RSVP yes for the reception if you don’t think your niece even sees y’all as a family? Why complain about it now and blame your sister for your grown-up niece’s decisions? For that, you’re a jerk too.
If you don’t wanna go, then don’t. But since you already said yes, you better contact her directly and tell her you can’t go after all for whatever reason. Otherwise, you’d be even more of a jerk for wasting their money.” SrvniD
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your sister and your niece are not the same people. Stop ascribing the difficult relationship you have with your sister to her daughter – if her daughter isn’t close to your family because of your sister, that’s not because her daughter is also (insert negative traits here).
If you and your sibling, are distant, of course, her children don’t have a close relationship with you. And her daughter is not expected to make decisions about her wedding day based on the wants of distant family members. Despite your b***d relation being close, you are a distant family member to your niece.
You are inherently not the same as the family she’s emotionally closer to on the other side – that doesn’t make her a bad person.
Your niece is not responsible for her mother sharing pictures of the wedding with you – frankly, it would be odd to expect nobody to ever share pictures of a wedding with people who were not invited. Sharing photos with you is not rubbing your nose in your lack of invitation.
Regardless of who is right and wrong in the relationship with your sister, you are a jerk for conflating your niece with her mother.” Kittenn1412
1. AITJ For Buying Things For My Cousin's Baby?
“My cousin had an affair with my sister-in-law’s husband and is now 7 months pregnant.
I found out a few days before everything was exposed but because I didn’t immediately tell everybody, my brother-in-law threw me under the bus to try to make himself look better so it feels like I’m on thin ice with my husband and in-laws.
We don’t have a lot of families so my cousin doesn’t have anybody to help her and she also isn’t in a good financial situation right now. I bought a few things for her baby to help out but my husband saw them before I could give them to her and is furious with me for continuing to speak to her and for spending his money on her.
He wants me to return everything and not help her after what she did to his sister.
I understand why he’s upset but my cousin needs the help and her baby is the only one who’ll miss out if I don’t.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Here’s the thing:
You’re not a jerk for wanting to support a baby who won’t have much. Obviously what’s right for the baby should be the most important decision here
YTJ for finding out that your husband’s sister was not only getting lied to but that there was a 7 MONTH PREGNANCY from it and you decided to not tell your husband ‘for a couple of days’ however long that actually looks like
This is literally family-shattering news. There isn’t any news bigger that you could’ve hidden from your husband. And then you go behind his back and use what sounds like joint money to make controversial purchases. I don’t care what you spent the money on.
If it’s both of your money, you both make the decision of how it is spent, otherwise, you’re stealing from him.
Pro tip: you need to stop getting defensive and stop trying to be right. Your husband will 100% support his sister through this and I won’t be surprised if his family is already calling for divorce based on how you’re handling this.” SirRabbott
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except for the SIL and baby. Here’s why:
BIL for having an affair and also throwing you under the bus in the process. He has shown exactly who he is and it’s not great.
He willingly betrayed his wife and family and only cares that he got caught. Not thinking about the ramifications of all the dynamics and how a baby will be impacted by all of his behavior.
Cousin for having an affair with a married man and continuing the relationship until they got caught.
Not thinking about the ramifications of all the dynamics and how a baby will be impacted by her behavior.
You for lying to your husband because he wouldn’t be happy about your desire to help. You’re correct that the baby is the one who may suffer if they don’t have necessities but you decided the needs of the baby were more important than your marriage.
You and your husband are supposed to be a team all the time, not just when it’s easy and you agree.
Your husband for saying it’s his money. Y’all are married and that was just a jerk comment.
I feel bad for the SIL who is surrounded by people who don’t know what being loyal and honest means. The baby has two parents who at best have questionable morals and at worst are just bad people who don’t care who they hurt as long as they get what they want.
This is probably rude but it’s not your job to supplement your cousin because she doesn’t have a lot of money. She and BIL decided to have a baby and are responsible for it. You picked up that responsibility for some reason but it’s not yours to carry.
There are many programs in the US that can help with the needs of the baby. You unilaterally decided to support a baby at the expense of your relationship with your husband, SIL, and other in-laws.” allison2817
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, slightly. To the ‘his money’ thing, yes husband probably is the breadwinner. But since his income is jointly shared, you should have discussed this first with your husband instead of sneaking about and buying the baby things. You’re saying you did this for the baby, but you actually did it for your cousin.
Understandable, but your husband has a right to be upset too.
Aaaaand, you kept this a secret from your husband, but BIL, the rat, told on you. (This is what comes of keeping dirty secrets, I say. The liars will use your silence as an acquiescence to the infidelity.)
You say you knew about the pregnancy, and probably the infidelity before it blew up, so this may be the reason why your husband is sore at you for buying baby things for your cousin.
And, I’ll say this. The cousin is equally to blame as the BIL.
She wasn’t just any random woman. She knew for a long time that BIL and SIL were married. She might have even been invited to the same get-togethers as the BIL and SIL, mingled with each other’s relatives, and considered each other more than acquaintances.
BIL may have been unfaithful, but cousin betrayed OP’s SIL.” pPC_bC
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to have to say that everyone sucks here. Your cousin has put you in a REALLY tough spot. She knew that was your BIL she was sleeping with (unprotected obviously), how it could impact your family, and now wants your help when everything’s gone sideways?
I hate to break it to you, but she is not a good or smart person. I am not saying you have to necessarily cut your cousin off, but if it were me this would put a huge strain on our relationship.
I can 100% understand why your husband is upset because let’s be honest: you knew if you talked to him about it before you bought anything, he’d be against it. You thought it best to ask forgiveness, not permission which is not a good way to operate in a marriage.
You need to navigate this very carefully before your SIL’s marriage is not the only one your cousin will have wrecked.” SaintPatty317
