People Want To Take The High Road In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Contacting My Biological Mother Without Informing My Adoptive Mother?
“I (F23) was born via surrogacy, my adoptive mum (F59) suffers from endometriosis and cannot carry to full term.
My bio dad was married to my adoptive mum. My bio mum (F60) lives 4 hours away from me.
Last year I decided to search for my bio mum, to thank her for what she did for my parents. My adoptive mum and I have a very fractured relationship, we weren’t in contact at this point, she’s never gotten along with my husband and blames me for her and my dad getting a divorce.
I managed to find someone who looks into family trees as a hobby and he located my bio mum within 3 days. I sent her a message saying thank you for everything she did, she gave my parents everything they’d ever wanted. We’ve stayed in contact ever since.
Fast forward to this morning, I get a message from my adoptive mum asking why I never consulted her before contacting my bio mum. Now she’s upset and refusing to talk to me. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I was adopted and my adoptive mother has always let me have some sort of relationship with my bio mom.
I still keep in contact with her and I have a half-sister from her. It’s your life and you’re allowed to do what you want especially since you’re an adult. If your adoptive mom is so upset maybe she should try mending your relationship instead of snapping at you for having a relationship with your bio mom.” elynian
Another User Comments:
“I’m adopted too and I gotta say, I think my adoptive mom would be upset if I contacted my bio mom and did not tell her and that’s even with a great relationship. If you already had a bad relationship with your adoptive mom, I think you should have told her first. Not asked permission since you are an adult, but at least told her.
I wouldn’t say you’re a jerk but I think more consideration for your adoptive mom could have gone into this. She might be feeling like you’re trying to replace her since you guys are on the outs.” Blonde-Engineer-3
Another User Comments:
“No NTJ, but this is a really tricky set of circumstances.
I am adopted and found my bio mom. Now, my mom always said that she totally understood if I wanted to do that, she’d want to know too. Until the day she asked me if I ever looked into it – and it was less than a week since I’d met my bio mom – so I told her all about it.
She sounded okay and when I hung up I said to my then-hubby, “That went better than expected.” Or not. She immediately phoned my oldest brother and had a meltdown that I won’t need her anymore and she knew this day would come and blah blah.
Which, of course is ridiculous, but hey, they were her insecurities and I get where they come from. I began to take steps to reassure my mom at every turn. I spent the next 9 years – the last of her life – making sure that she knew how I felt and that I wasn’t ever going to “dump” her.
When she went to the hospital the last time with her cancer, I left my kids with their stepdad and said I’d be back when it was over. The most grueling 6 weeks of my life as I stayed with her 24/7. It was so lovely to have that time, though.
When she moved on I was confident that I had shown her that she was my “real” mom. I don’t think you had to get your mom’s “permission” to contact your surrogate mom. I didn’t tell my mom about my bio mom until after it happened and I didn’t “warn” her.
I don’t know if I could have done it if my mom was over my shoulder fussing and huffing and feeling unloved. Take care of yourself and hug your mom more often. Like lots. It helps.” Exact_Purchase765
20. AITJ For Replacing A Homemade Preserve Jar Without Telling The Seller?
“I bought a glass jar of homemade fruit preserve at a farmer’s market.
The seller, Mary (60s F) is a nice older lady that I’ve bought from before. Because we know each other, she gives me a discount if I bring back the empty jar since she saves money.
She gave me a fancier glass jar than usual today because she ran out of the regular ones.
I can’t return the jar. I found an identical jar at Target and I plan to give her that.
The reason I don’t want to tell her is that she’s very kind but inquisitive and she’ll ask why I didn’t bring the original back, and she’ll say that I didn’t have to replace it, etc. I don’t want her to worry.
Edit: The original jar was destroyed. My husband threw it and it shattered. There’s no way to put it back together.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ as long as you are sure it is an identical jar or at least one suitable for canning. This is very important.
Some jars aren’t meant for canning; they’re just for Pinterest crafts and storing dry goods. If she uses a jar that isn’t canning-appropriate, a range of bad things could happen — everything from the jar shattering to it not getting a good seal, meaning the food could make someone sick.
So make sure it is truly an identical jar and not one that just looks the same.” MaIngallsisaracist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – mistakes happen. Stuff gets broken. That discount is not just because you reuse the jar, it’s because you return it. Yes, the material cost is less for her, but you also are a guaranteed customer.
Realistically, you could just let her know what happened and offer to pay for the jar. She likely buys jars that she knows will work for her canning methods, so giving her an identical-looking jar might not be the best option unless you explicitly disclose the situation so she can determine if it will still work.
Either way, she sounds like she cares about you as a customer and likely will understand, especially if you try to make it right by either paying for it or replacing it. Just communicate with her.” kitt614
19. AITJ For Going To Lunch With My Fiancé's Stepmother And Stepbrother's Wife Without Telling Him?
“My fiancé and I moved two weeks ago so now we live closer to his family. I don’t know most of them very well so when his stepmother and stepbrother’s wife invited me for lunch, I said yes as I thought it would be nice for me to make an effort with my future in-laws.
Lunch was fine but I got the feeling that they didn’t like me very much. I mentioned it to my fiancé when he got home and he was really upset with me for not telling him I was going to lunch with them before I agreed to and for actually going.
He wanted to know every little detail about the lunch and seemed really angry by the time I had finished telling him. He told me the next time they asked to say no and to let him know immediately.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO: This feels like it’s missing a lot of context and details.
Did he give you any information as to why this was so upsetting? Any problems he has with his step-family, past conflicts, etc.? What exactly was he upset about? I’m leaning strongly toward NTJ as if there’s history there you didn’t know about you couldn’t be faulted for not knowing, but this is still missing a lot of critical information.
And if he didn’t even tell you why, just interrogated and berated you, even more NTJ.” ColloidalSylver
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The situation you describe sounds exhausting and fraught with under-communicated tensions, not to mention inconsiderate for you. Accepting an invitation to lunch was innocuous and it’s unfortunate you got weird vibes from them but who knows, it was good manners and solid relationship-building to accept their invitation.
Your fiance’s reaction is honestly the monkey wrench. As you’ve moved further from your own and closer to his, understanding connections with his family is important. His demand that you not connect with them is… Alarming? Like, a weird mistrust? It’s one thing if he didn’t have solid relationships with them or feared they would be hurtful to you.
If that were the case, explaining his concerns and honoring your wishes to understand would be a natural conversation. Instead, his guarded hedging implies he’s not sharing his full concerns or insights of the situation and instead of being honest with himself and you that this mistrust on his part is his own responsibility to manage, he’s demanding you to never accept social invitations from his family, as if you’ve done some kind of grievous harm.” purpleit11
Another User Comments:
“This is fiancé’s stepfamily, not bio family. There may be history there that you are not aware of. You said they seemed off and that after you had described the lunch he seemed upset (more so). It sounds like they were perhaps fishing for info or he knew they had an agenda.
NTJ for what you did. You’re a grown woman and can attend any lunch you please. But if you yourself got weird vibes then there may be a good reason for how he acted. However, he needs to be upfront and share that with you.
You shouldn’t need to tell him before going to meet them but if there’s a reason for him asking this then he needs to tell you about it. Likewise, you need to listen and not dismiss anything. Family dynamics are complex.” Ok-Bridge-5543
18. AITJ For Warning My Partner About My Grandad's Prejudice Before He Met My Family?
“My partner met my whole family today. He is a different race and that’s not a problem with any of my family. However, my grandad is prone to prejudice or “edgy” comments, which I warned him about before they met.
The evening was fine but my grandad made a few very prejudiced comments in front of my partner which of course really upset him. He was really nervous about meeting them and he wanted to really impress them.
My mum came into my room a while ago and said I was in the wrong for warning my partner about the prejudice and that I’ve basically called the whole family racist. This only happened tonight so I can’t tell if I’m being stupid or if I’m so not to blame for this??????
Am I the jerk??? What do I do???”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But, you would have been had you not forewarned your partner prior to meeting your family. Imagine being blindsided with prejudice and racist comments, then finding out later that your partner knew her grandfather was like this and didn’t tell you.
It would be over for me. You did the right thing telling him. Your mom is completely out of line in lecturing you when the person she should be lecturing is her father.” noshingwithnovels
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think it’s completely appropriate to forewarn someone that there may be uneasy/racist etc remarks being made before attending an event.
Politicians get briefed on this sort of stuff, so why not significant others so they can be prepared? Your mum is just having a sook because it’s her dad and is just trying to defend people of that generation…. Don’t talk about it anymore and it will be quickly forgotten….” StreetRude6915
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s wild that your family tolerates this. Personally, I’d just say something to the effect of, “well, he made those comments, didn’t he? So if you’re so worried the family will be seen that way, then maybe don’t tolerate that behavior from your father.” You absolutely did the right thing giving him a heads up, that’d be a tough thing to be blindsided by, especially in a situation where you’re trying hard to make a good impression on the person making those comments.” Rebokitive
17. AITJ For Not Inviting My Friend's Disliked Partner To My Wedding?
“My friend Miley (23) and I (23) have a complicated relationship, mainly in the fact that I dislike her partner Link (24). Link is, long story short, a jerk who doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He treats everyone horribly, is cruel and mean, and is disliked by the majority of people at our old college.
Link and I had a massive falling out and I cut Link out of my life. Our group of friends also heavily dislikes Link and as a result, Miley doesn’t bring him up at all. Link has shown up to events and occasional parties, and the two of us have mostly either remained civil to one another or engaged in small talk, which only reaffirmed my opinion on Link.
Other than during the fight 5-6 years ago, I’ve never expressed any anger or dislike of him to Miley as I believe our friendship is fragile and she gets overly anxious and defensive of him. Her partner is a sore subject in our friend group, and while we had voiced our doubts about him at the start of their relationship, because of how long they’ve been together, and wanting to not isolate Miley, we have simply just let them be.
However, the sense of closeness we have with the rest of the partners in comparison to Link is obvious. I don’t think Link is abusive, or purposefully isolating Miley from us. He simply does not care about the feelings of people who aren’t him or Miley, and because Miley is happy with him, she refuses to see Link’s personality, saying he is different around her.
I got married to my fiancé (now husband!) 2 days ago and I’m writing this while my husband packs for our honeymoon. The reception was a barbecue with 30 people. When inviting guests, I invited my friend’s partners as throughout the years we have become good friends.
Obviously, Link wasn’t invited. I debated on it, however in the end it was my wedding, and I didn’t want him there.
But at the wedding, Miley felt extremely left out. She was by herself while the rest of our main group of friends were with their partners.
She got really intoxicated at the BBQ and came up to me crying about how horrible it felt having her partner missing when everyone else’s partner was there. I told her that I didn’t mean to make her upset and that I only wanted to invite my closest friends.
I thought maybe she was upset about the wedding, but then she asked me why I couldn’t just put up with Link and understand that he made her happy. I told her I put up with him and was civil and kind to him to the best of my ability and had never talked trash about him.
She said she wished Link could be invited to places and liked, and how alone we made her feel because of our unspoken dislike of him. I tried to apologize and I really did feel horrible. At this point I’m wondering if I made the wrong choice, should I have just invited Link?
I feel like she’s let out years of pent-up feelings and now I feel like a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
““She said she wished Link could be invited to places and liked” … yeah, well, he’s not. If he cared about Miley and her feelings, he would know how he acts is causing her distress, and would adjust his attitude accordingly.
He doesn’t. That’s a Link problem and a Miley problem for putting up with it. If you go out with a jerk no one likes, don’t be surprised that people don’t want to be around them. NTJ and to be honest Miley has some nerve to go crying about it to you on your wedding day.
Maybe because she knows if she ends up marrying Link, no one will come to her wedding??” billikers
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What some people are forgetting is that no one else attending really likes Link either. It’s not just about putting up with one person you don’t like (which you shouldn’t have to do at a small intimate wedding and reception), it’s also that this one dude would definitely throw off the vibe for the entire party if no one likes him.
I feel for your friend OP, but I think you made the best decision possible for your happiness at your own wedding. And if your friend wants Link to be more well-liked then the onus is on him to act right.” dalealace
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but to me the bigger issue is that you’re trying to straddle the best of both worlds. Which I understand, but at a point it’s not realistic. You hate this guy, but you like Miley, and you’re trying to somehow make that work long-term.
Your wedding is a perfect example of how that eventually doesn’t work. You need to make a choice here. If you really hate Link that much, then that’s how you feel, and stick to your guns, and if Miley has a problem with it tell her she is just gonna have to miss important events because he’s a jerk to her friends, and the very fact that she doesn’t seem to be bothered by that and even participates in it sometimes indicates that she’s not the best person either.
Alternatively, if your friendship with Miley is THAT important to you, then you probably need to start sucking it up around this guy and making the best of things and at least give him another chance. My point is that Miley has clearly made HER choice.
You make yours now. And for what it’s worth, I’d choose to tell this guy to buzz off and let the Miley chips fall where they may. This guy sounds like a total jerk. And I don’t understand why she’s picking this jerk from high school over her friends to the point that she literally made drama about it ON your wedding day.
It seems like you’re not as important to her as she is to you.” infinitetwizzlers
16. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner's Mother At My Family Christmas Gathering?
“I’ve been with my partner “Ted” for 2 years, moved in 6 months ago. He hadn’t seen his family in a while so we saved and went this year for Thanksgiving. The plan was to spend 8 days there and his parents could come for a few days for Christmas to our home.
Ted warned me that his mom was eccentric, had to be committed before and I should just go along with her. What he neglected to say is that his mom thinks she is pregnant and has for years. She has a nursery. Takes vitamins. Everyone acts like this is true.
And she demands all cater to her. I asked if she was being treated for mental illness. They were offended.
I was shocked in the beginning but assumed she was harmless. No. If she is not getting enough attention she faints. She has tantrums all the time and blames it on hormones.
Has cravings in the middle of the night and made Ted look for some greasy cake, just to say it passed when he showed up at 5 am with the cake. Has a Christmas list filled with baby items. If one of the daughters wants to borrow something for their kids (she has so much stuff) she loses it.
These are just some examples.
One night, we were stressed because of a huge fight among his siblings, and went out with his sister and family to sushi. It was quite a treat, we didn’t go out for months to save for this trip. We took a small box back home, paid for it ourselves because FIL loves it.
MIL snapped, saying that was bad for the baby, and threw it away…
Anyway, I’ve been struggling with the idea of having them over Christmas. Originally we were going to go to the countryside, to my parents, while they were here, but I have older relatives with health issues and don’t want that drama near them.
So we were supposed to go to dinner on the 24th and leave after lunch on the 25th.
His parents didn’t want to stay in our apartment because it is a one-bedroom, and MIL needs a bathroom to herself due to morning sickness. The fighting has been constant.
Everything is bad in her eyes and I can’t say anything because it isn’t good for the baby. I’ve picked up extra shifts, I’ve been barely at home since they are here, and told Ted I was not taking his parents to my family. Ted can either stay with them and ride with them to lunch on the 25th and we leave 2 hours max after they arrive (basically sit, eat, leave) or they don’t come at all.
He says it’s because his parents traveled far to stay with us, he is exhausted, they’ve been essentially with him or alone the last days and I’m not understanding. I told him he lied to me about his mom and that them coming was his idea to ease “the burden” on his siblings, something I only understood now.
None of them live less than a 15-hour drive from their parents, by the way.”
Another User Comments:
“Holy cow, that behavior is bizarre. Ultimately, NTJ for this change of heart. You didn’t realize until spending time with her how severe her issues are and how difficult it is to be around her, and it’s fair for you, with this NEW INFORMATION, to determine the plans you had originally won’t work.
You are not a villain nor a jerk for that realization. I think you’re right to focus on the fact that Ted left these crucial details out. His entire family is enabling seriously dysfunctional and deranged behavior and he is point-blank asking you to do the same.
It seems like it’s time for a serious heart-to-heart with Ted. You do not need to be up for joining the forces enabling her and accommodating lunatic things. You might find this is not an issue you can get over, though, as a couple, if what he’s asking you to do is beyond what you want to do (and it would be beyond what I’m willing to do, for what it’s worth).
You need a partner who has a somewhat similar view of this situation that you do, including being willing to help draw some boundaries so that YOU aren’t having to take on more responsibility for her than you are comfortable with. Maybe as a compromise, you could go to your family’s area for Christmas Eve and head back in the morning.
I can understand why Ted would like some support too, but his not being honest with you is what created this situation.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“The worst thing you can do right now is take that woman around your family. Talk about the stuff hitting the fan!! Somebody in your family whether an adult or an innocent child stating the obvious truth, is going to say something and it’s just going to pop off into WWIII.
DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR FAMILY!! It would not be fair to bring that nonsense along to ruin their Christmas. That woman needs the guided help of a professional, not the enabling nonsense partner and his family have been doing. Your partner is going to have to come to a breaking point before he will see the magnitude of harm his family has been orchestrating.
But that’s not your job to do. Protect your peace and your family. Leave them home. NTJ.” Better-Turnover2783
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve been with Tom for two years, living together for 6 months, and he didn’t tell you about this before now? And now he’s trying to trap you into caring for his mom so that the rest of his family can rest?
Hon, you need a life partner who will tell you about problems and figure out how the two of you are going to approach the issue together, not one who is going to pretend that issues don’t exist or volunteer you for duties you don’t want.” Watercress87588
15. AITJ For Trying To Change My Brother's Habits Before He Moves To College?
“I (25f) live at home with my dad (41m), my brother (20m), and my partner (27m). My brother has been going to community college for the past two and a half years and is transferring to a four-year university this January.
My brother has never lived anywhere but our house before. He will be living in a traditional dorm come January. I am admittedly a little protective of him. I don’t have to worry about him socially at college because he is great at making friends and he will be playing on the baseball team so he’ll meet people right away.
However, I am concerned he’ll get weird looks. My brother literally walks around the house in his undergarments constantly. I’m not talking boxers; my partner does that and you can’t even tell the difference between that and shorts. I don’t know the name but it’s like the really tight undergarments.
And before you say that he probably only does this because it’s family he literally has friends over and doesn’t get dressed no matter how many bewildered looks they give me or my dad.
I told my partner to talk to him because I thought it would be less awkward coming from a guy.
I told my partner that if he took my brother shopping for athletic shorts or pajamas or even boxers I would pay for them. I just don’t want him to be the weirdo in college or on his team.
My partner talked to my brother and it didn’t go well.
My brother immediately knew it was coming from me. He came to me and said that he’s stressed enough about starting college and doesn’t need me psyching him out about something so stupid. What he wears to lounge around and sleep in when he doesn’t live at home is not my business.
I see his point, but I also don’t think I was wrong to try and spare him from teasing.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you’re not going to get him to change. It sounds like he is wearing briefs around the house, which is fine for his own home.
But a dorm, especially a traditional dorm, is a shared living space with strangers. Briefs, especially the classic white briefs, leave absolutely nothing to the imagination. It’s a little better than just running around without clothes. There are also standards of dress for most dorms, and it may even be against the rules for him to lounge around in briefs.
The best-case scenario is he gets teased. But he could also get in trouble, especially if he has roommates who are uncomfortable with it and he refuses to change his habits.” Mobile_Following_198
Another User Comments:
“A cautionary tale: So… when I was in college I was voted “best butt” in the student paper (my friends got together and did it as a joke), followed in 2nd place by a guy we’ll call Joey.
Joey was a bit of a party animal and one time he passed out face down in the quad in just his briefs. There were photos, and then there was voting, and then there was his barely-briefed-butt in the student paper. I don’t remember a lot about college but I remember Joey’s butt.” StarCrumble7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You gave advice. He chose not to take it. There are multiple scenarios of how this may play out. He may get there, get enough weird looks to be uncomfortable, and adjust his wardrobe. He may get weird looks, not give two cares, and keep doing his thing.
He may discover that guys in that age range don’t care at all either way. In my ex’s dorm, it was not uncommon to see guys walking around without clothes. They were all show-off basketball players, so that may have been a factor.
To be honest, doing this around house guests is probably a bigger problem. It’s totally disrespectful. If he didn’t pick up on the social cues enough to alter his behavior in that situation, he likely won’t be in a dorm with a bunch of feral teenagers.” LadyLixerwyfe
14. AITJ For Not Inviting My Daughter's Two-Timing Partner To Our Christmas Dinner?
“I’m 56 (F) my husband is 60 (M), our oldest daughter is 30 (F), our son is 28 (M) and our younger daughter is 26 (F). For privacy’s sake, we’ll call our oldest daughter Kate, our son Sam, and our younger daughter Mary.
We’ll call Kate’s partner James.
So Kate has been with James for almost 3 years. They currently live together. We always had family get-togethers during holidays and he attended along with Kate. He always seemed very kind, polite, mature, and down to earth. His family is very nice too.
He and Kate seemed so happy and seemed to click so well. From what she shared, they had excellent communication and never fought, and were even discussing marriage. About 7 months ago Kate told me he had her ring finger measured at the jewelry store and she was so excited!
So were we!
Unfortunately, 4 months ago, I found out from a friend’s daughter that he was having an online affair (long story). The family informed Kate, she apparently confronted James and he broke down crying and gave her all the details. From what Kate shared, he gave her full disclosure, did not blame her for anything, took ownership and he is currently getting individual counseling.
He wants to work through it as does she. They’re still together. She told me he’s going above and beyond for her to make it up to her. I cautioned her in case he does it again. She told me he promised her he wouldn’t and apparently can’t believe himself why he even did it in the first place.
He reached out to me and my husband and apologized to us. He was in tears.
With Christmas Eve coming up our usual family holiday dinner is approaching. It’ll be me, my husband, Sam, his partner, Mary, her husband, and hopefully Kate. I invited Kate but told her that this year we can’t invite James.
She seemed very upset. Apparently, for the past two months, they’ve been rebuilding things, went on a romantic getaway, James is still getting counseling, giving her undivided attention and support. She said he acknowledged that it’ll take a long time for trust to build back up.
She told me if she attends without him this year she’ll feel like a third wheel among all the couples there. She said by not inviting him this year it feels like her family isn’t willing to give him another chance like she is. I’m not sure what to do at this point!
I’ve spoken to everyone else and they’re all on board with not inviting him. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Why didn’t you invite James? I understand he was unfaithful to your daughter, that’s not the answer I’m looking for. My question is what is the reason you didn’t invite James and how do you expect it to play out?
Examples: My husband and I are still too mad at James for betraying our daughter to be around him. Him being there will make us angry and we just don’t feel we can relax and be happy around James. I understand that Kate will feel bad if we exclude him, but we are excluding him for us and not for her.
If Kate decides to go spend Christmas with James’ family instead so they can spend it together, so be it. What’s most important to me is not having to look at that jerk James.
I’m protecting our baby Kate. I don’t like that she’s chosen to forgive this unfaithful person, he doesn’t deserve that.
I think she’s making a mistake. As Kate’s mother, I know what’s best for her so I’ve decided that she’ll be happier at Christmas without James. Sure, Kate said she’ll be sad and feel like a third wheel, but I know her own mind better than her.
I am doing this for Kate even though she says she doesn’t like it because I don’t believe she understands herself.
Kate let James off too easily when James needs to be punished. By excluding James, we are punishing him so he has some consequence for his unfaithfulness.
Yes, excluding him will also make Kate upset, but hurting Kate’s feelings is just the price we are willing to pay to hopefully hurt James’ feelings too. Assuming James cares a ton about hanging out with us, which he probably does because we’re so awesome and it’s honestly a privilege to be around us.” TheHatOnTheCat
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You need to be in your daughter’s corner right now. I’ve been through this with someone very close. Her partner was unfaithful to her, in a way that went beyond online, and while we had disdain for the broken trust and betrayal, and made it clear that we did not expect her to just forgive him, that we’d 100% back her if she divorced him…we also let her know we’d respect her wishes no matter what she chose.
Ultimately she is the one who was most hurt by this, and she gets to choose how to move forward. She chose to forgive him. It took a lot of time to build that trust back up, we obviously couldn’t just forget what he’d done.
Neither could she. But if she felt ready to bring him to family gatherings again, we would do our best to respect that and show her that we were in her corner no matter what and trusted her judgment. I understand that this man hurt her, and that hurts you.
But they are trying to heal. You may not agree with that right now, you may never agree with that. But I think doing this, excluding him when she wants him there, may keep the wound festering. Your daughter, the one most hurt, is trying to move forward.
If she can stomach living with him after what he did to her, I think the rest of the family can stomach it for her happiness during the holiday.” CrimsonKnight_004
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. They are trying their very best to make this work and it sounds like the partner is doing sufficient to make your daughter happy and things are looking up for them.
Why on earth would you want to exclude him? The only person who bestows forgiveness is your daughter and she has done this. It’s nothing to do with you! That should be the end of it. All you are doing by excluding him is ruining their Christmas, putting additional strain/stress on your daughter and her partner, and getting to feel all holier than thou!
Show some faith in your daughter as well as some Christmas spirit, please.” GoingGreyer
13. AITJ For Wanting To Take Back My Sisters' Christmas Gifts After Their Disrespectful Behavior?
“I 23f and my wife 24f currently stay at my mother’s who is a recovering cancer patient and my sisters weren’t able to take care of her.
My wife and I decided to take time out of our busy schedule to clean up and decorate the house for the holidays since my mother isn’t physically able to. This comes at a very busy week for both of us because we both work overtime during the holidays so we don’t have time to care for the house as much unless it’s during our days off.
We finished our goals of cleaning, decorating, and wrapping presents for everyone which took two days by the way.
This year I’ve chosen to give my sisters good Christmas presents since I received a bonus earlier in the year, but now after this mess, I’m rethinking my choices and whether I even want to spend the holidays at home with a bunch of ungrateful jerks.
For context my sisters are so dirty that it takes them months to clean after themselves, they aren’t little kids they are 20 and 16 years old. While cleaning up the laundry room I’ve taken the liberty of getting all of their dirty clothes, putting them inside their hamper, and putting them back in their room since it got in everyone’s way.
I guess this action upset them that in retaliation they chose to take my clothes out of the dryer and throw them into the trash. After cleaning the house with my wife for the past two days I was not expecting their disrespectful behavior towards us since it’s been us going out of our way to make sure the house is clean and ready for the holiday season, we even got them the presents that they requested months in advance.
Some apple bottom jeans with a pair of Uggs boots and four gift cards for Sephora and DoorDash (2 each) along with some B&BW perfumes and body lotions. After this mess, I don’t even know if I should let them keep their gifts or if I should find someone else who will appreciate them a lot more than they will.
I wasn’t expecting praise but this is over the top and petty to be doing. I don’t care if I’m “ruining” Christmas for them at the end of the day they’re grown and understand consequences and know right from wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Putting their clothes in hampers in no way justifies throwing your clothes away. People, kids or adults, who refuse to clean up after themselves and act up in such a massive way to such small pushback do not get a special gift in return.
That’s just a hard no. If mom will be okay on her own now, I would go ahead and holiday elsewhere, maybe use the money you get back when you return the gifts to really treat yourselves. It sounds like you could use a break.” dryadduinath
Another User Comments:
“No, you bought the gifts and they are old enough to not throw temper tantrums over receiving help. You also bought them so really it’s up to you what you do with the gifts What you could do is let them know if the behavior continues you won’t hesitate to take them away if you’re feeling bad about not giving them another shot since they could be stressed with your mom’s situation?” CrimeStray
Another User Comments:
“They’re young – at the stage where you rebel against your parents/caretaker. Their mom has cancer, so they’re angry and scared. They’re taking it out on you because you’ve swooped in to provide care, have changed the routine of the house at a time when they’re terrified of change, and you’re a safe place to rebel because you don’t have cancer.
It’s not fair. It’s also understandable. They don’t want you to be in charge of stuff. They want your mom to be okay and for the house to be the way it always has. You need to decide if starting a gift war is how you want to spend what is probably a very important Christmas for and with your mom.
I’d aim for a middle ground. Cut them back to one gift each, or one small gift and a doordash card (because if they can order food, it makes things easier on your mom). Return the others. Then, either use the money to buy new clothes or use it to hire a cleaning service/laundry service.
NTJ for the impulse, but I think you’d be the jerk if you went scorched earth on this particular year.” unlovelyladybartleby
12. AITJ For Refusing To Attend Family Tradition Due To Unwanted Guests?
“Every year before Christmas, my whole extended family gathers at our parents’ house for one reason or another. My brothers, sister, and cousins are scattered around the East Coast, so it’s very seldom we all are in one place at one time.
During this visit, it’s a tradition that the grown children (my generation) go out to a brewery or something and have lunch. Just us and our spouses. Over the past few years, the lunch has grown. Friends are invited, spouses’ friends are invited, friends that just happen to be in town are invited or invite themselves.
None by me because I enjoy the time seeing my siblings and cousins since it’s fairly scarce.
While I’ve made my thoughts known, I get mocked for being too uptight or not going with the flow. “Invite some friends then if you’re unhappy”. Not the point IMO.
This year, two people are invited that I cannot stand. They never miss a moment to get a dig or insult towards me or my wife. Just not good people. While I have a fairly thick skin, I feel like, as a grown person, I don’t really need that.
So after I got overruled on the invite, I said I was bailing on the lunch. You guys go ahead and enjoy, no big deal, my wife and I will make other arrangements or do something else. Now I’m ruining tradition apparently.
Am I the jerk for blowing this up?
Should I just suffer through this another year to keep the peace?”
Another User Comments:
“I certainly don’t think you’re a jerk. I mean, I assume that people know of your dislike for those 2 “friends” of your family. Given that they also know your feelings on non-family attending, seems likely that these 2 new folks were invited purely to annoy you.
I’d do exactly what you did. They are the ones that broke tradition when they started bringing non-family to a family tradition. Also, they are the ones that made a choice. They chose these other folks over you and yours NTJ.” SoImaRedditUserNow
Another User Comments:
“Surely you can visit with the people you DO want to see outside of this particular lunch? I don’t blame you for not wanting to be around two people you can’t stand. I assume they are not cousins. If the cousins insist upon breaking tradition and inviting non-cousins to the event then they run the risk of some of the cousins also breaking tradition and not attending said event.
Also, a variety of cousins who do not like the aforementioned crappy people can create their own simultaneous or subsequent/prior event with people they DO want to see. Enjoy! NTJ.” mumtaz2004
Another User Comments:
“”Why would I want to go out with two people who never miss the chance to insult me or my wife?
Seriously who thought it was a good idea to invite people to a family outing who actively dislike and mistreat members of the family and who aren’t part of the family? Ok you want to bring your friends, fine, we all know my feelings on that, but THIS isn’t even THAT.
This is why would you invite people who belittle, insult, and mistreat ANY member of the family?” NTJ.” dropshortreaver
11. AITJ For Cutting Financial Support To My Sister After She Failed To Repay A Loan?
“My sister and I are 5 years apart, me being the oldest. She asked for a 350$ loan which I gave back in September after expressing to her some financial challenges I was facing and some supporting our mother.
She said she would pay me back and took the money for a much-needed vacation to St. Kitts (right). Came back and expressed she needed to pay me back in installments, I told her to keep it and put it towards my mother’s cell phone bill until the end of the year.
She and Mom are on a joint account and I pay my mom’s portion. She never confirmed this so…
Literally, a month later she’s calling me asking for 700+ dollars for an application for some show. I basically told her she borrowed 350 and said she was going to pay me back and didn’t and let it ride.
Now more money not even two months later and knowing my financial situation. I asked her if she was okay and what was going on with her finances. She got uncomfortable, she apologized for asking for more money, and sent the 350 back to me.
I have not spoken with her since, she did not call the family for Thanksgiving and did not come but sent a text.
She has plans to be home for Xmas but I won’t. It’s always awkwardness with us and I’m honestly over it, feels like it’s one thing after another and she’s either embarrassed or upset, either way at 35 her behavior is exhausting.
I don’t intend to reach out and quite frankly could care less AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s the jerk. She asked to borrow money for a vacation!? And you gave it to her!? Clearly, she needed help organizing her finances more than she needed a vacation. Instead of actually helping her, with this, you helped pay for her vacation and thus further enabled her bad decision-making.
NTJ for declining the most recent loan, but jerk for the first one.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Loaning money to family is always a dicey proposition. Cutting her off from the money seems wise. YTJ. “I don’t intend to reach out and quite frankly could care less.” She is your sister.
Not wanting to reach out and let her make the first move is fine, but not being concerned is a jerk move. Sorry for the complicated response.” OnlyThePhantomKnows
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Christmas alone tips: Charge your phone/tablet overnight, keep it on Do Not Disturb (or an outgoing message that you’re too busy Christmasing to reply).
Sleep as long as the House Animal will let you. Get up, feed it, back to bed. When you go to the bathroom, bring snacks back to the bed, maybe something for the pet. When is the Christmas meal, noon or evening? Prepped yesterday. Afternoon: sports, Christmas classic shows, music, or Reddit.
Evening: check the phone/messages, answer those who won’t give you grief about ruining the day. This is the time to eat the goodies you bought on sale, give the pets their gifts and treats. Fall asleep in front of the TV with the pets on your lap and the remaining snacks close.
There are variations, you can add/start your own tradition. The morning routine is the most important.” Low-Television-7508
10. AITJ For Retorting To My Provocative Colleague's Death Comment?
“I (24F) have an issue with my colleague (~50M). We’ve been working together for almost 3 years. Once he realized I was successful, he started an endless attempt to irritate me to no end. He’s always asking provocative questions, saying misogynistic stuff, criticizing my work or me as a person, and making uncomfortable comments even regarding the death of my beloved pet (he did it weekly after finding out I was sad that the pet had passed).
Thankfully, it’s a large workplace, so we don’t meet daily but believe me when I say he doesn’t miss a shot.
Recently, he sat next to me at lunch. He stared at my face with a sneering smile. Like 15 cm away from my face. I didn’t react since I figured he did it with the intent of annoying me.
He then asked me “how’s life”. I replied the usual “fine, you?” and he replied something about waiting for death (still with that sneering awful smile!). I replied, “what, are you waiting for my death?” trying to joke a bit. He got a bit shocked and looked uncomfortable.
Can’t really remember what he answered but it was probably uncomfortable for everyone sitting at the table.
Now, I worry about stepping over a line. I’m known as a kind and calm person. I have tried everything in my power to get this man to stop.
Except for going to my boss, if they talk to him he will probably know that I complained. It might have made stuff worse and I worry that I was the jerk in that situation. Am I?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Guy sounds like a creep and a bully, and you gently called him out on it, in front of witnesses.
I worked with a guy like that once, an older guy who didn’t like younger people (especially me, for some reason) coming in and working harder and smarter and making him look mediocre. He wasn’t as aggressively unpleasant as this guy, but he was a pain in the backside.” PikesPique
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like he’s trying to get under your skin for his own entertainment and you caught him off guard by making him uncomfortable instead. If it were me I would have told him to knock it off a lot sooner than this, but I get it’s hard to escalate it like that.
When I have a problem with a coworker I usually mention HR to them in a jokey but threatening way. “Yeah haha great joke. You know who’d love that one? Carol in HR.” Or “Dude what? Do you have a punch card to the HR office or something?
Next visit is free?” Or you could just hit him with the “Excuse me??? You wanna say that one again, a little louder so everyone can hear?” In the end, you do need to take it up the ladder if it keeps happening. If you let him talk to you like that you’ll never be taken seriously at work.” VelvetPenguin87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he sounds so obvious about his malicious teasing of you that it was easy to assume that his open dislike of you was part of the schtick and you thought your response would be taken as part of the bit. Even if it was just straight-up passive aggression that’s nothing compared to him, and you feeling the need to say that says more about his thinly veiled vitriol than anything else, which you shouldn’t have to put up with.
Definitely go to HR with the stuff from the past, and yes it would’ve been better to do a while ago, but don’t listen to the people saying you should’ve known better to do that, like taking things to HR isn’t nerve-wracking. HR is ultimately there to protect the company and whether you should go to them is more about whether they’d be incentivized to nip the behavior in the bud before a lawsuit and whether they would benefit from protecting the person you are reporting.
You have a good case for this and he’d have to lie a lot to get out of it and it’s unlikely HR would let that slide, unless you hear other horror stories from the company about people in his position getting away with everything.
If there are witnesses you should talk to them too. Hope this helps.” jinkiescore
9. AITJ For Not Being Able To Afford A Christmas Visit To My Family This Year?
“My wife and I have 3 young children. One is under 1 year.
We have lived on the opposite coast from my family for the duration of my marriage and children-having years. We have made the effort to fly ourselves and our children home every Christmas except one when my wife had just had our second. We also usually come at least one other time a year.
We have room to host family and friends in our home and have always welcomed all guests.
This year we have been home 5 times for various reasons – funerals, Easter, weddings, etc. We were home within the last month, and I got sick and my kids got it from me when we returned home.
We are just now starting to feel better. Additionally, money is tight this year (because of my job and my wife taking maternity leave for our third). Tickets to fly home were more than both of us currently have in our bank accounts. We have not taken a vacation this year – only flown home for the 5 trips.
I told my family that we were not going to be able to make it home this year and that we were sorry. I was already very sad about the situation and embarrassed that my finances couldn’t cover the trip. But I knew we had already been many times this year to visit.
The response was hurtful. I was told this was poor planning on my part, and that I should have skipped an earlier visit instead, that my mother puts a big effort into the holiday, and that it wasn’t fair to change the plan this late in the year.
My mother offered to loan me the money to fly, but I told her that I still had not even bought any gifts for my kids or wife and that we already had accrued some credit card debt this year.
My brother also doubled down and said this was an impulsive decision, and that from an outsider’s perspective, we seem like we have enough money, and that this was news to them.
I am really angry and am struggling with what to do. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t go, and you let them be mad. They don’t have to suffer the consequences of you going. They don’t have to pay back money they don’t even have for a trip they don’t really want to go on.
You will be missed, but nothing bad will happen. Agree with them. Tell them it was poor planning on your part. Then make sure that you don’t go all year, and that way you can afford to go next Christmas. You have an excellent reason to say no all year long.” OhmsWay-71
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t have to justify yourselves – if your finances won’t stretch this year, then that is the end of it. Xmas shouldn’t be about getting into debt and making the new year depressing. I’m sure your mother does put in a lot of effort for the holidays – but ask her where she used to go before she was your mother?
Was there someone who always ‘did Christmas’? When did it move to her to be the host? Remind her that she was in your place once – a young family, making your own family things – I’m sure she disappointed someone at some time around by not going to some event.
As we grow older, have our own families, etc, things change – traditions end and begin. Things can’t stay the same way forever.” alien_overlord_1001
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can understand if your family was sad or disappointed if you couldn’t make it home, but their reaction seems selfish and unwarranted. You have 3 young children – flying across the country is no simple task for you.
Skipping a year or two isn’t going to hurt anyone. Even if you have enough money – it is none of their business why you decide to skip it this year (and your finances are none of their business either). They don’t have a right to be second-guessing your family’s life choices when they don’t have all the information that you have.
As a child, my family always spent Christmas at home, never traveled. As an adult, I found out that, when they started having kids, my parents told both sides of the family that they weren’t doing the family travel thing on Christmas because they didn’t want the hassle of figuring out which side of the family gets the holiday this year, the hurt feelings of the side that didn’t, and the hassle of travel.
As a result, we always had a relaxing, fun Christmas.” bamf1701
8. AITJ For Being Hesitant To Pay My Rich Friend For A Dinner She Invited Me To?
“I (19F) have a friend (20F) I’m really close with at college. She’s one of those extremely rich international students and sometimes she acts out of touch, especially with what she did recently…
Basically, she wanted to have a “cooking night” at her apartment and invited me and one of her friends to join.
The plan was that we all cook dinner together and eat. Honestly, I wasn’t feeling up to cooking because I had a super long day with classes. So I told her I wouldn’t be able to come. Later, she sends me photos of them cooking and then photos of the food prepared on the table.
She then called asking me to still join them. I was reluctant but she was insistent so I decided why not.
So I go to her apartment, and the 3 of us have a good dinner. It was actually fun. However, it got weird after I went back home and immediately received a text from her asking me to “Venmo her $9.42 for groceries used”??
My first thought was what the heck because I thought I was being invited to dinner with my friend, not a restaurant. If I knew I was being charged for dinner, I would have had even more reason to stay home. It’s even more frustrating because she’s eaten dinner at my apartment before and it never crossed my mind to “charge her for it.” And I don’t know if that’s just because I come from a low-income background and was taught to be kind when it comes to money.
I’m trying to make sense of why she’s charging me and the only thing that comes to mind is that I didn’t help them cook and still ate? I highly doubt she asked the other person there to Venmo her…
Like I said, she’s very well off- like she dropped $53000 on her car all cash.
So it’s not like she’s in a desperate situation for $9 – which makes it more confusing that she would do this. She just Venmo requested me, and I really wanna know if I’m wrong by being hesitant to pay? I definitely will pay because I still value the friendship but I find this kind of weird…”
Another User Comments:
“She badgered you into coming and then billed you for it. Just no. You want to charge someone for dinner, you tell them the amount BEFOREHAND, and you certainly don’t badger them into coming and then spring a bill on them. Also, you have cooked dinner for her without charging her, so she is not being a good friend here.
Personally, I would lean towards don’t pay. But, she is wealthy and that usually means socially powerful, so if you choose not to pay then maybe she’ll turn all your other friends against you or something like that (because your other friends want to be around someone wealthy and maybe are hoping they’ll get to join in her nice lifestyle).
So your best bet might be to: (a) pay, but (b) point out that you have had her over for dinner and never charged her and that she’s not exactly acting in the spirit of the friendship, and most importantly, (c) always be very busy any other time she wants to invite you to dinner again.
You can’t afford to be friends with this person!” Reasonable-Sale8611
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When you invite someone to dinner at your house, you are their host, they are your guest. It’s polite to bring a host gift if it’s a more formal dinner – like a bottle of wine or flowers for the table, but it’s completely out of the norm for her to send you an invoice afterward.
IF you’re all really tight on grocery money and she needs your help to buy ingredients for the dinner she’s serving you, then that needs to be made clear before issuing the invite. “I’d love for you to come join us for dinner, it would be $10 for your share of the food cost”.
Then you can decide if that’s worth it. I would just respond “I’m not prepared to pay for the groceries, you invited me for dinner and did not make it clear there would be a cost. Please let me know in the future when you expect payment before you invite me, so I can decide if I can afford to hang out with you”.
Personally I wouldn’t pay, (unless I knew she was struggling financially) and I would also be prepared to not receive (or accept) any further invites.” SummitJunkie7
Another User Comments:
“Do you value the friendship? Yes? Pay and say nothing. Take it as a lesson learned and act accordingly.
Any time something that might involve anyone spending money make sure to be clear up front, casually, “We’re going Dutch, right?” “We’re getting separate tabs, right?” etc. No, but maybe want to try to hang on to the friendship? Pay and say something. There is a high likelihood that someone with this mentality will not handle it as well as you or me and it will be turned around on you.
No, and don’t care? Don’t pay. Point out why. Hopefully, there was some lapse in judgment on your friend’s part and they will apologize and it will never come up again. In all cases, NTJ.” tio_tito
7. AITJ For Refusing To Split The Cost Of Plowing The Shared Driveway With My Neighbors?
“This past spring, I purchased and moved into a new house. Some relevant info, part of the reason I moved was to be within walking distance of my office, shopping, bars, etc. Also, my house has two driveways, one that is partially shared with the neighbor and a smaller one on the other side of the house in front of my garage.
I’ve mainly used the longer, shared driveway so far, but since I don’t plan on driving much in the winter and don’t want to deal with clearing snow, I plan to use the smaller driveway and just maintain my walkway or enter through the garage.
I was approached by my neighbor at the start of the winter asking to split the cost of plowing the shared driveway 50/50. I told them I’d think about it, but honestly, I think it’s ridiculous to ask for any money, especially as much as half the cost. First of all, the neighbors don’t actually live there, they rent out 2 units in the building and just use the garage for storage.
On top of that, they spent the whole summer renovating the building which included blocking the shared driveway for days at a time, parking construction vehicles on my property, and they even dumped a bunch of concrete on my land. They just aren’t good neighbors.
They also wanted to have the plow guy come every time it snowed at least 3″ which I think is overkill. We live in New England.
I told the neighbors I wasn’t interested. We have had 3 significant storms so far and they haven’t had anyone out to plow at all.
I feel like they were just trying to take advantage of me since I have been pretty understanding with all the renovation mess and stuff, but I would use my portion of the driveway if it was plowed so maybe I should pay something.
I don’t want the little community I live in to think I’m a bad neighbor.
They’ve been owners in the neighborhood for a lot longer than me and I don’t want them to hurt my reputation. I own a business in town so having people in the community speak poorly about me really matters. The wife hasn’t spoken to me since I turned them down, but the husband seems mostly okay with it.”
Another User Comments:
“INFO: When the concrete was dumped on your land, what was the neighbor’s response? Because that’s not the neighbor’s fault but rather the construction worker’s fault. How the neighbors themselves reacted to this is what you need to look at. Also with the parking of construction vehicles, etc, did you ever mention anything to the neighbor about it?” Mobile_Following_198
Another User Comments:
“Neighbors sound like jerks and I understand your position but if you own part of the driveway, you would likely be on the hook for a portion of the liability if someone were to fall on the uncleared driveway. You should probably check who actually owns the property and whether there is a legal easement or if it has been shared informally.
Then take whatever steps are needed to protect yourself like fencing if the property is yours with no easement or sucking it up and splitting snow removal costs if access and liability are legally shared.” pumpkinbubbles
Another User Comments:
“Normally sharing such a cost for a shared driveway is the neighborly thing to do, with both parties agreeing to certain conditions to keep the costs within what both parties deem to be acceptable.
However, based upon what you’ve stated, NTJ. They appear to want to keep the driveway clearer than you wish to pay or can afford. You have an alternative driveway that leads directly to your garage that is also shorter and therefore cheaper/easier to keep clear.
That one works better for you. All that you can do to protect your reputation in the community is calmly explain to anyone who asks that you clear your shorter driveway and don’t use the shared driveway at all in winter, and that’s why you don’t feel that you should pay for half of the plowing.
Long term, suggest to your neighbor that they expand their driveway so that they don’t need to plow the shared portion or reduce the amount of the shared portion that needs to be plowed to access their property. Also, I would either abandon that driveway or expand your side of it so that you are not driving on their portion to access your property.
AKA, both parties should spend the money to separate the driveways to avoid this conflict again. And if you wanted to be petty about it, after checking the parcel records for any sort of mention of the shared driveway and your local laws regarding shared driveways, expand your side so that you do not have to use their side of the shared driveway and build a fence that makes it impossible for them to use any portion of your new driveway that is 100% on your property to access their property.
Thus forcing them to build their own new driveway. But check the legalities of that first.” One-Warthog3063
6. AITJ For Leaving Early Because My Friend Brought An Unexpected Guest?
“I (20f) had planned to meet up with my friend “Jess” (20f) for coffee. We scheduled this a week ago and I’d assumed it’d be just the two of us.
I was excited because it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other.
For context, I hate it when my friends bring other people (specifically people I’ve never met) to hangouts that were originally planned to be just us. Especially with no prior notice. All my friends know this.
Jess knows this.
We met up today and she brought this girl “Jay” (20?f) with no notice beforehand. I was under the impression that it would be the two of us, so you could imagine my surprise. I really tried to be friendly, but I was visibly annoyed that she didn’t keep her word and brought this person that I didn’t know when she implied she wouldn’t.
The conversation we had was awkward, obviously, because Jay and I didn’t know each other. It was just awkward small talk, and I was really hoping I’d be able to tell Jess about things going on in my life that I wouldn’t tell someone I don’t know.
(To clarify: nothing serious or severe, just casual life updates you’d usually talk about when catching up with a friend.) I was annoyed so I made up an excuse to leave early (something like I had to study) I told Jess we could hang out next week and left.
Jess got upset and has blown up my phone with texts about how I’m rude and inconsiderate etc etc. I originally didn’t think I was in the wrong but I’m having second thoughts and would like an objective opinion.
Am I in the wrong for getting mad at her over this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but how often do your friends do this to you that it has become a “known thing” that you don’t like it? Is there some reason your friends have done this so much? Maybe I’m weird or maybe my culture is just different (I’m American) but bringing unexpected guests along to a very small hangout like that without any heads up would be pretty unusual among me and my friends.
Like at least someone would text and say “hey is it cool if my friend tags along?”” oliviamrow
Another User Comments:
“Jess is the jerk for bringing a stranger. If I made coffee plans with a friend and I showed up and they had brought another person along without telling me I’d be so confused. I can’t imagine doing that.
At the least, she should have texted you a heads up, but she had better have a real good reason for bringing some rando along. Other commenters saying you were wrong to assume that she would show up alone must not have made plans with friends very often recently.
In what world??? You’re NTJ for leaving early. Sounds like you were uncomfortable and wanted to go, which was within your right.” 0y0_0y0
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. Extroverts who love people and all “the more the merrier” will be all “how dare you not just be excited as a puppy LIKE I AM to meet new people.” Ignore them.
They are, “why can’t introverts JUST STOP BEING INTROVERTED ON COMMAND FOR MY COMFORT” people. No empathy. If you don’t like meeting new people like this, you don’t like meeting new people like this. If your friend forgot, that’s fine, but a true and real friend would be mortified that they did this to you and apologize.
Calling you rude and getting upset is the jerk move here and your friend is most definitely the jerk. And personally, unless she somehow finally realizes she’s the jerk, I’d presume that she’s not really your friend. And then deal with the grief of losing the idea of the friend you thought you had.
We all go through that grief. The person we thought we knew turns out to be or turned into someone we wouldn’t be friends with if we met them now. That’s my guide, if it helps. I look at a person and ask myself, If I met them today, as they are, would I become friends with them?
If the answer is no, that tells me this is one of those friendships that the people in it grew out of. Good luck.” The1Eileen
5. AITJ For Calling My Inconsiderate Roommate A Spoiled Brat?
“My roommate and I (both 19F) are first years at university. For context, I am a bursary student which basically means I get more financial support due to my low income background.
My roommate, let’s call her M, is much more well-off than me and comes from boarding school, rich parents, etc. At first, we got along really well.
Problems started coming up when M continued going out at night (clubbing, partying, etc) and would come back, usually inebriated and delirious, proceeding to wake me up at around 4 am.
In the mornings I usually tried to be quiet, I wouldn’t switch on the lights while getting ready, in order not to wake her up even though she never gave me the same treatment. Also, by the way, I go out too but not every night like she does, and I enjoy drinking/partying as much as the next student, but I also want to make the most of my studies, plus I can never afford continuous club nights.
Another issue is she often brings people around to our room, sometimes female friends who sleep on our floor, and she would only ‘ask permission’ a few hours before like: ‘by the way, my friend is staying around tonight’. Ok?? I found it annoying but not really a major issue until she started bringing her partner around, I was coming back on Monday to find M and her partner ‘napping’ in our room, which really frustrated me because I never bring my partner around as I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable.
That night she went out as usual and came back around 4 am Tuesday, threw up in our waste bin, and fell asleep. I decided that enough was enough, that if she was going to live with no regard for me (she knew I had a test at 9:00 am) that I would do the same.
I got up by switching on all the lights, and not tiptoeing around like I usually do. She woke up, and yelled at me for being loud, saying she had a massive headache and had only two hours of sleep, and needed to rest. I said that I also wanted to sleep but I couldn’t, because she had woken me up coming back at 4 am, and that actually she had been really inconveniencing me the last few weeks.
To which she decided to respond that it wasn’t her fault I was ‘too boring’ and ‘too stingy’ to go out, and that she was acting like a normal first-year student, that I was the weird one. I responded by saying ‘yeah well you’re just a spoiled brat who’s wasting her parents’ money by missing all her classes to sleep and party, and I’m done dealing with that’.
She started crying as I left for my class, and I came back to the news that she reported me for discriminatory comments.
AITJ? We have a meeting for ‘reconciliation and conflict resolution’ coming up where I’m expected to profusely apologize.”
Another User Comments:
“Tell your side of the story.
You’re trying to get to your classes, and sleep is necessary for health. You do not need to apologize for living your life, or for telling her that what she’s doing is not acceptable in your dorm room. The “spoiled brat” comment may be rude, but it’s not “discriminatory” and given the situation, it seems pretty true.
Maybe better to say “acting like a spoiled brat” but if it quacks like a duck, you know. Rich people aren’t a legally protected class (although of course they’re protected by, you know, everything), so she can explain the exact discrimination she’s alleging. Partying isn’t a protected characteristic.
NTJ. You don’t have to tiptoe around when you get up in the morning just because she parties all night. She can stay somewhere else if the expected–yes, normal–university life of actually sleeping at night and going to classes is a problem for her.” Tangerine_Bouquet
Another User Comments:
“If this is in the US, I am pretty sure that ‘spoilt brat’ is not a legally protected category. Tell your story, and see what happens. You can even mention the partner on the floor and how it makes you feel uncomfortable.
If you have documentation of the nights this happened, you can mention it. In the meantime, can you change roommates any time or just between semesters? Maybe one of her wild party friends has a normal roommate who would not mind a change. Try to find a normal, non-party roommate, or one who at least does not bring the effects of the drinking and the partying into the dorm room (vomit, friends on the floor, etc.)” DrPablisimo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Also, a lot of people are telling to you to go in guns blazing, and I’ll just say – I’ve always had a lot more success playing the incredibly reasonable one in the room with a hothead over also shouting. I’d suck it up and apologize.
Point out the stress you were under with your upcoming exam, the unsanitary conditions, and your sleep deprivation, but agree that you still shouldn’t have called her names. Turn to the authority figures in the room and ask for how to best fix this. In the interests of keeping the peace and minimum effort, they’ll probably suggest a mutual agreement of quiet hours and no overnight guests.
Go for it and nail down terms then and there, because I guarantee the conditions they’ll place will align a lot more with your preferences than your roommates. From there, each time she breaches them, calmly talk to her and note it down. Once she’s up to 3-4, go back to the RAs during the daytime with your time-stamped and factual notes and try for a room swap instead.
If they don’t, that’s when you start making it the RA’s problem in the middle of the night, especially when she brings guests back.” MidnightMalaga
4. AITJ For Getting Upset At My Partner For Deleting My Phone Tabs?
“I (28f) let my partner (33f) use my phone to look something up at Walmart because she left her phone in the car. When she was done, she proceeded to delete all of my tabs (~50) without asking because my phone was acting weird earlier and she thought she’s helping.
I have ADHD. “Out of sight, out of mind” is very true for me so I don’t like to use bookmarks. I had a few open for books that I’d like to buy and a few for manga I’ve been reading, as well as a few others that were important.
I can’t find all of them under history.
I got upset and told my partner off for it and she’s upset and thinks I’m petty… I’m mostly upset she didn’t bother to ask.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But (but but but) you got upset out of frustration and anger.
Have the conversation again but do it calmly, and rather than being angry be hurt. Explain to your partner that you’re looking for consideration and understanding — those tabs were like sticky note reminders and your brain requires them because remembering is not your strong suit.
Tell her you want her to accept you for your capabilities and if she can’t understand why you need the tabs then it is like she’s minimizing your needs… well deleting really.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“I have found my people! I also have ADHD and also have a truly ridiculous number of open tabs on my phone and on my tablet, and the laptop… I would FREAK OUT if someone closed them all without asking.
Would the partner be happy if you went through her belongings, like her closet, and tossed all of the clothes that you don’t think she needs because you haven’t seen her wear them in ages? And then told her you were helping and she shouldn’t be mad?
I doubt it. You don’t dispose of other people’s stuff without permission, whether that “stuff” is tangible or online. NTJ.” BambooRaccoon13
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If this has never come up before you should have a calm conversation and explain that you intended to have all the tabs open and ask her to respect that.
It really can help to close tabs to improve performance. My SO keeps a lot of tabs open (no reason other than he doesn’t close them) and it not only slows his phone but will slow mine too if I’m nearby and we have limited cell reception.
We travel a lot and if we’re having a hard time getting a good signal I’ll ask if he doesn’t mind closing some of his tabs and apps. We know at this point to ask each other first before doing anything with each other’s phones but we’ve been married a long time and learned how to communicate with our words calmly.
That’s the key there, have a calm conversation and explain why you’re upset.” mmoonich
3. AITJ For Not Letting My Dad's 'Friend' Attend His Doctor's Meeting?
“My mum and dad have been married for 60 years. They have both had affairs (Mum’s ended a long time ago) but my dad’s ‘friend’ is still in his life decades later.
My mum hates confrontation so puts up with this situation and the ‘friend’ even visits their house and stays for tea!
My dad’s friend tries so hard to be helpful and takes him to doctor’s appointments and out for evenings which has really helped him (and me otherwise I’d have to take him meaning time off work!).
My dad by the way is 94.
Anyway, Dad is now in the hospital and pretty unwell.
There’s a doctor’s meeting on Monday and the ‘friend’ wants to attend to help represent Dad who can’t talk for himself right now. The problem is we were all at the hospital recently and mum lost her temper (in private with me afterward) about how the ‘friend’ behaved so I told the friend she couldn’t come to the meeting.
I feel like a jerk because I know Dad would want her there but I also know my mum will be so upset if I let her. My mum’s a sweet little old lady and the ‘friend’ is very assertive meaning I always feel I need to stick up for mum because I’m confident and assertive, the opposite of her.
I’m fed up being in the middle though.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am so sorry you are having to manage that while also going through the stress of having an ill elderly parent, OP. Your father’s mistress is here to stay whether we like it or not.
We all know that. There are times when she is going to want to see him in hospital and the like, especially if your father is going to be in hospital for a while. I am not sure you can stop her from doing that.
Probably wouldn’t even be right to stop her if they wanted to see each other. But your mother is his wife. Simple as.
If your father wanted his ‘friend’ to be the person who is his representative and advocate in medical and financial decisions in the last decade of his life, he’s had many, many years to divorce your mother and make that happen.
He never did. Your mother is his wife, no ifs no buts. Your mother is the one who gets to fulfill that function. If the ‘friend’ wants to be around in other aspects of your dad’s illness, wants to visit him, and wants to be with him, then she can.
But she cannot go around cosplaying as his next of kin when he has a living wife and an adult child, it’s that simple. If your father wanted her to have power of attorney, he should have done something about it when there was time to do something about it during this decades-long affair.
Implicit in him not doing that was an acceptance of the legal status quo: that your mother would be vested with the authority to make decisions on his behalf.
Stand your ground, OP. This is honestly an open-and-shut case from a legal perspective; unless it is written somewhere that your father has appointed a named person as his legal guardian to speak for him in medical meetings, that function defaults to his lawfully wedded wife (or to you if your mother isn’t capable of doing it).
Thoughts are with you and your family in this challenging time.” crazyheather345
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My dad started seeing someone after my mom died. I was OK to let her take Dad to the doctor but when he had his stroke, I made it very clear to the hospital staff, that I was the medical POA, and I am the only one to make decisions.
I was glad I did that. When I made the decision to move my dad to hospice, she started complaining and questioning my decision. I would make it clear to the friend, your mum is the one making decisions and if she can’t play nice, then she will be asked to leave and will not be permitted to see your dad.
If your dad wanted the friend to make decisions and be involved, he should have taken the legal action to make that happen. If he gets better then explain why you did what you did and if he disagrees, then he needs to take the legal steps to make the friend his medical POA.
Hang in there and take care of your mum and yourself!” Historical_Grab4685
Another User Comments:
“My grandmother was the other woman when her AP partner died. His wife assured him she would not be allowed to visit. NTJ. He never left your mom for AP.
She knew he was married. I’d let her know her place. He can talk to AP on the phone or arrange visits around your mother’s schedule. Remove this woman from your mom’s presence. She can go back to sneaking around like she did before.
I’m sorry about your father.” Recent_Data_305
2. AITJ For Letting My Uninvited Mom Disturb My Wife's Vacation?
“My wife has had a stressful time at work and was looking forward to a vacation at her grandparents’ cabin. She brought a few books she wanted to read and I brought my fishing rod.
She had no plans to entertain. My dad stopped by to go fishing.
It was supposed to be just my dad stopping by for the day but somehow my mom inserted herself and I was shocked to see her.
My wife had no plans to entertain her. I told my mom that. My mom bought stuff for lunch and dinner and tried to engage my wife into making dinner for us all and my wife said no. She’s relaxing and reading.
If my mom wanted to cook that’s my mom’s prerogative.
My dad and I get back late and at the table, my mom started to complain about how she did this all herself. I looked at my wife who just took her plate and ate in her room.
My mom started to complain to me about it and I told my mom “she technically wasn’t invited and my wife had no expectations to entertain her in my wife’s cabin while my wife is on vacation.”
My mom started saying well she wouldn’t have come if she knew that.
I told my mom next time take the hint. If you aren’t invited don’t come.
My parents left after dinner. My mom complained that my wife should have tried to be a gracious hostess and I said maybe my mom should try not being an unwanted guest.”
Another User Comments:
“Maaate. YTJ. Your first paragraph tells you, YTJ. Your wife has had a stressful time at work. The trip to the cabin is an escape for her – no finger-lifting, no hosting. So what do you do? You invite your dad. Knowing from past experience your mom will likely jump in because as you say, she does this All The Time.
And then you leave the two of them to it because you and your dad have “gone fishin'”. Bet you two had a great time. And then you come back to find your wife has been made to feel uncomfortable and restricted in her own family’s place.
Again, knowing that your mom invites herself and behaves this way “all the time”. Drama ensues. How restful for your wife. You blame your mom for all this, get a few digs in. Dude wipe the dirt and denial off that mirror, that’s You staring back at yourself.
You’re to blame.” gordiesgoodies
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Once your mom showed up, you needed to make it clear to her that your wife wasn’t there to entertain her. By leaving your wife to deal with your mom you added to the awkwardness of the situation.
Your mom is a bigger jerk for just showing up uninvited because your dad was there. But irrespective of that, you should have done more to preserve your wife’s peace before leaving with your dad. I’m only judging OP and his mom. I don’t think wife or dad did anything to contribute to the judgment.” giantbrownguy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ I have a different take. You should have spoken to both of your parents and explained that this was just a fishing day and if your mom wanted to fish she was welcome to join you and your dad but that your wife was relaxing at the cabin so wouldn’t be entertaining her so it was best for your mom to either stay home or go fishing.
When she showed up uninvited you should have encouraged her to fish with you and then had a private conversation with your dad about how you were disappointed that he allowed this and that you would have to rethink future invitations. Also, you shouldn’t have stayed out late fishing when you knew your mom was at the cabin.
You should have cut the fishing time short instead of leaving your wife with your mom all day. YTJ for making sure that your day wasn’t ruined, only your wife’s.” blueswan6
1. AITJ For Changing Out Of My Grandfather's Expensive Suit At A Wedding Reception?
“A few years ago when my grandfather passed, I inherited his pinstripe suit and vest, and only because I’m the only one who matched his build and height.
It’s a bespoke Connolly he had made nearly thirty-five years ago and it still looks brand new and stylish today. I have no idea how much it is worth exactly, I just know it is probably at least one order of magnitude more expensive than any other clothing I own, probably to the tune of mid to high four figures.
Like seriously, take a look at Connolly’s prices for casual wear and you will dump a brick.
So I’ve got a rule: It’s ceremonial. I wear it to look awesome at a wedding ceremony or funeral, for pictures, and basically any event where I have to do nothing but walk, smile, and where there is no food or where dancing and merrymaking might ruin it.
I’ve got another pinstripe suit I paid maybe $300 for that is tailored as well, but it makes me look like a Wish dot com version of myself compared to when I’m wearing the real deal.
So last weekend I was at a wedding for my cousin.
As usual, I showed up in the suit for the ceremony and wedding photos, and when we went from the ceremony to the reception, I did the swap because it was a buffet with an open bar and dance floor. Cousin’s new wife didn’t notice for the first hour, then when she did she went full Bridezilla and demanded I change back into my proper suit so I wouldn’t look bad in the background of her reception photos.
I refused, and she told me she’d kick me out if I didn’t change.
I told her I’m not ruining a suit more expensive than her wedding dress to look nice in the background of a few selfies and left, and now that part of the family has been blowing up my phone for ruining the wedding.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“OK, at first I thought you were gonna say you changed them between your wedding ceremony and reception without talking to your wife about it, in which case I might’ve said you were the jerk. But you were a guest? No. You are there to celebrate your cousin and his new wife, not to be props in her wedding photos.
Unless the suit you changed into was actually ridiculous in how it fit or looked — like if it was some kind of costumey-looking zoot suit, which I doubt — absolutely NTJ.” oliviamrow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s common for women to change under the same circumstances – for comfort and to prevent damage to delicate formal wear, why shouldn’t you?
I am really, really sorry for the bride, though. It’s sad that she was not enjoying her wedding. I have to assume that that’s the case because if she were as caught up in her new husband, her own happiness, and the joy of the occasion as every bride dreams of, she wouldn’t have been looking around for petty nonsense to criticize.” rapt2right
Another User Comments:
“Info: How does this happen? You wear the suit for the ceremony… how does the bride notice your suit during her own marriage ceremony? Then you change into a different but similar suit, styled differently for the reception and you say it takes the bride an hour to notice… how is that even a long time for the bride at a wedding reception?
It’s not like the bride and groom are chit-chatting waiting for the rest of the guests to arrive. They arrive last. Then they might have their first dance, a dance with their parents, welcome speeches, etc. Then the couple typically begins visiting the tables later in the evening.
How much would the bride have interacted with within that first hour when she didn’t notice your suit? The story seems odd. Your suit is similar enough that no one else noticed, but the bride somehow noticed your suit was different between the ceremony (when she wouldn’t have been paying attention to you because she was busy) until an hour into the reception when she was also super busy.
This isn’t making any sense.” Electrical-Bat-7311
