People Can’t Help But Wince When Thinking About Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
22. AITJ For Filing A Case Against My Partner's Mother Who Stole My Gold Necklace?
“I (22F) am a student and also do a full-time job but my partner (28M) is unemployed so I pay for his bills. He is a heavy drinker and wastes my money on useless things.
His mother used to rent in another state but because she was unable to pay her rent she moved here with us.
She is a very religious lady and she asked me for money to donate at the temple (that’s more of a cult).
But I refused to give her money as I needed to send money for my grandfather’s eye operation and I needed to pay the fee of my university.
Also, I am the only one who earns in my home and I don’t have money to waste on useless things.
This woman stole my gold and diamond necklace and donated it to the temple.
When I came to know about this I told my partner to tell her to get lost from my house.
That necklace belonged to my mother who died when I was very young. I asked them to get back my necklace anyhow but it was impossible because she already sold it.
Then I went and filed a case against her.
I think what I did was not wrong because this way only I can get my necklace back but for this, my partner’s mother needs to go to jail.
While I may be a jerk here, even if she did wrong there were better ways to handle it other than this. And my partner thinks I was a bit too cruel.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner’s mother is a thief. This is the correct way to handle it.
She also sounds like she’s in a very vulnerable position. Why does she have so much compulsion to donate things that she’s willing to steal to do it? Does a leader of the temple have a lot of power or control over her? I’d be seriously concerned about her well-being in whatever community this temple is in.
It sounds dangerous.” Superman530
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I’m worried for you. You say your partner is an unemployed heavy drinker who won’t stick up for you against his thieving mother? She broke the law and you are well within your rights to lock her up for it.
That’ll take care of one moocher (someone who wants free things as long as you’re willing to give them). Onto the second one. You have to get rid of your partner. Have to. You’ll find there are plenty of men in this world who will treat you better, keep a relatively steady job, and not all men drink booze (some do, not all).” GardeningGamerGirl
Another User Comments:
“Your partner is a layabout who drinks too much, spends your money & allows his partner to pay his bills. Are you really that concerned about what he thinks? Besides, what his mother did was deplorable. I would keep the charges going in order to get your precious mother’s jewelry back.
Kick the partner to the curb & never let his mother near your home. You’re asking for trouble otherwise. NTJ.” charlotta98
21. AITJ For Not Telling Everyone That I Wear Synthetic Hair Pieces?
“I (f29) have lupus, an autoimmune condition, and one symptom is gradual hair thinning. I have thick, wavy hair that I’ve always gotten compliments on. And while I am lucky enough to still have plenty of hair, I miss how thick it was before any thinning started.
I found some really realistic synthetic hair pieces (ponytails and wefts) that I can add to my own hair for volume and/or length. I like to wear them when I go out, or to events, etc. It boosts my confidence and makes me feel pretty and glamorous.
I’ve told my family and some close friends that I’m wearing a hairpiece, but I don’t tell strangers or acquaintances. My partner (m36), however, will tell people my hair is fake. Tonight, for example, we went to a party and someone complimented my hair.
I simply said thank you, and wasn’t going to tell them I was wearing a fake hair weft under my real hair. But my partner turned to me and said (loud enough for people to hear), “oh, but you’re wearing that fake hair, right?”
I told him that was rude and it embarrassed me. But he thinks I’m being rude and dishonest by pretending my hair is all real, and not informing admirers that my hair is artificially enhanced.
If someone were to specifically ask me if I’m wearing extensions or fake hair, personally I think that’s rude if they don’t know me well.
But I would answer honestly (especially if they’re looking for a recommendation or something.) But I don’t think I need to tell every person who pays me a compliment that I have extensions in.
I like wearing them. I like the way they look and make me feel, but I don’t want to constantly explain I’m wearing synthetic hair pieces.
Does this make me a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Holy what a jerk! This isn’t just ableism, this is straight-up cruelty for the sake of it. Are you also supposed to inform people that your lacquered nails are not naturally that color? That you are wearing heels, and obviously aren’t this tall?
That you painstakingly applied makeup for an event, and this isn’t my “real” face? Someone compliments him on his fragrance, he needs to tell them “thanks, my natural body odor is generally considered offensive so I mask it with this. It’s not how I actually smell.” Is he actively policing the bodies of men who wear a rug, or get plugs, or use spray dyes to mask their bald spot?
Yeah, guessing no. Your partner is a jerk. How dare he. NTJ.” CatteHerder
Another User Comments:
“NTJ most people cut, dye, add products or style their hair. Very few people let it grow forever and don’t alter it at all ever. Most people have fake hair in one way or another, none of the others have to explain that and neither do you.
I’ve never seen someone get complimented after a new weave point that out unless someone asks where they got it done. Your partner was disrespectful to you, judgemental, insensitive, violated a boundary and did so in a very ableist way. (Also, I don’t know if this applies to you specifically, but holding that view and calling it out for everyone would lead to a lot of racist interactions as well).
You don’t owe anyone your secrets for your looks, whatever that is, or any explanation for how you styled it. Don’t let your partner continue to actively judge and shame you when he’s being rude and ignorant and it’s none of his business anyway.” feriziD
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I have lupus, and at one point I had lost 90% of it and what was left was gray. I’ve since gotten about half of it back, but I know how it feels to look in a mirror and not see yourself.
If the wigs and hairpieces make you feel better, then that’s good. Very good. Mental health is important, and dealing with a permanent disorder will affect it. Your partner is being a jerk. I don’t know him, so there are many guesses I could make.
Maybe he likes you weak and unsure. Maybe he doesn’t like the possibilities you have when other people find you attractive. Maybe he’s jealous of your attention and wants you focused on him. Whatever his reasons, you need a partner who will support you, and it doesn’t sound like he does.” Aer0uAntG3alach
20. AITJ For Asking My Brother To Pay Me Back For A Non-Refundable Six Flags Ticket He Flaked On?
“2 months ago, my (22F) little sister came to me and told me that she wanted to go to Six Flags for her birthday because she has never been on a roller coaster before.
Growing up, our parents could barely afford to put food on the table despite their best efforts, so we never really got to celebrate our birthdays or go to nice places. So I try the best that I can to make nice things happen for my younger siblings, but I’m not rich, I am still a full-time college student who works full time as well and juggles bills, but I busted my rear to make money and save for this six flags trip for my sister.
While doing so, I told my brother( 20) the plan for our sister’s birthday and asked him over and over again if he was going to come, so I would know exactly how many tickets I needed to save for, he told me yes. However, yesterday (the day before we leave for Six Flags) he completely skipped out on us and went out of town with his friends to a paintballing competition and won’t be back until Sunday.
My brother has flaked on me and my sister before for his friends, but I didn’t think that he would do this on our sister’s birthday.
This made me extremely upset and I requested that he pay me back for the ticket that I bought him since it’s non-refundable.
He told me that I was being ridiculous for asking him to pay me back money because I never have before. In my opinion, I don’t think I am being ridiculous, I worked really hard on this trip for our sister and he flakes on it, causing our sister to be upset and cry.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but stop facilitating his freeloading! His comment that you never asked him to pay back money before is rather telling. I mean this as kindly as possible – you’re being a doormat to him. No more buying tickets or anything else for him, no matter what sob story or guilt trip or promises he tells you.
If he gets ‘excluded’ from things, that’s on him.” BeneficialDark1662
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! The tickets are expensive like 90.00 dollars per adult (it is $89.99 but I rounded up). I think if he continues to say, “It is ridiculous for asking him to pay you back the money.” Don’t warn him that you are going to small claims court.
Some people would say that is going too far but he needs to be taught a hard lesson! Also, he isn’t a good brother!” DustOfTheDesert
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You had to prepurchase the tickets, he said yes, he owes the money spent. If he doesn’t repay you, shrugs, don’t make a huge deal out of it but you don’t owe him anything in the future.
No birthday gift for him, take your sister out for ice cream on his birthday instead.” Throwawayhater3343
19. AITJ For Not Forgiving A Former Bully And Refusing To Hang Out With Him?
“A group of friends and I were planning on going to a popular night hang-out spot in my town. We were at a house preparing to go to this spot when one of my friends made the comment that someone, who will be named Braden for the sake of the story, was also invited.
Braden was well known throughout high school to be generally a jerk and an extremely hateful person. He hated people of color, members of the LGBT+ community, the whole shebang.
With all of this in mind, the specific incident that really made me despise him as a person was when he made inappropriate jokes about one of my best friends and then proceeded to spread a rumor that she was pregnant.
(This friend was also going to hang out with us this night.)
I processed all of this in my head and said to the group that I didn’t want him there, to which I received backlash from a few in the group. One of them said this:
“You are one of the most unforgiving people I know. Braden is fine now and is a nice person. I will not argue with you, you can have your own opinion but he’s coming to hang out.”
I then proceeded to say that I no longer wanted to go, and I went home.
I was pretty sure then, but I’m not so sure now. Am I the jerk for not forgiving him even though these events were years ago?”
Another User Comments:
“Personally I want to say NTJ. I’ve been bullied most of my high school and I’m also the least forgiving person I know.
In my experience, horrible people in high school have not changed. Actions have consequences and what Braden had done may have tremendously hurt others. Say he did change. That doesn’t change what he has done in the past. Movies and books often try to encourage forgiveness from the victim so the person in the wrong can feel better.
But the victims aren’t obligated to forgive because that trauma has already set it.” KukkiCookie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ some things are unforgivable and racism and homophobia are 2 of them. Look could he have changed and had a rare realization and bettered himself? Sure there is the smallest possibility.
Even if he did, is it on you to forgive and forget his past behavior against you, absolutely not. It’s on him to find a new life and not be a jerk. Anyone who forces you into a situation you are uncomfortable with for whatever reason is not your friend and I would distance myself from that jerk.
Your feelings are completely valid and you may need to find a new friend group who are real friends.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Each of us has our own lives and a moral code by which we live. What you do, where you go, and with whom you associate is solely up to you.
True friends accept this same as you must accept their choices as well. You don’t like the guy, don’t go. Now your friends know that if “Brandon” is around you won’t be. If “Brandon” has truly changed, he’ll apologize to YOU and your friend and you can take it from there.
You’re never the jerk for living your life the way you choose. True friends accept that. If yours don’t, maybe you need better friends.” FlexibleMorality1
18. AITJ For Telling A Family To Control Their Kid At My Fishing Spot?
“I go fishing…a lot. I live near a spillway which is a popular fishing spot for my area. It’s connected to a river so fish from the river will come upstream during the summer and sit in the current because of the increased oxygen in the water.
Today I get to the spot and there are no other people (jackpot!). I get set up, and get my lines in the water. About an hour later a family of 5 shows up. Mom, dad, their 2 sons and daughter. All the kids were no older than 10.
It didn’t take long for one of their kids to start heading my way because I was catching fish and he wanted to see them. I was on the other side of the creek from the family. The water was low enough that he could walk across.
At first, the father said he needed to stay over there. All was good.
After about an hour though the kid had finally made his way to me. He was trying to ask me questions about the type of fish I was catching, the type of bait I was using, what kind of hooks…curious kid stuff.
Nothing harmful. I ignored him for a while, giving nods and “mhmm” and “yep” as answers. What was getting to me, was that he just had to stand right next to me. Every time I needed to reel in, set the hook on a fish, or cast out, I had to tell him to back up.
I finally got fed up with it and told the mom to call for her kid. She, nor her husband liked that very much and told me he wasn’t doing any harm. I told them it wasn’t my job to entertain their children, I’m not your daycare, come get your kid.
At this point, the husband starts shouting at me that I need to be nice to their kids and not be a grade-A jerk…So….AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The kid was bothering you after the parents told him not to move. Also, you were getting slowed down by the kid as you had to worry about the line or hook hitting him.
As long as you were respectful to the parents and kid I say NTJ.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t understand why some parents don’t understand they aren’t entitled to get help from other people. Son is autistic and nonverbal and I still try to reinforce the “people need their space” rule as often as he breaks it because when he likes someone he tends to try and get close to them.” PersonalityFuzzy3361
Another User Comments:
“I have several kids. NTJ. If my kid is bothering someone else and won’t stop, that is something I need to step in and fix by getting my kid out of the situation. The only screwup here is that you didn’t ask the kid politely to leave (at least twice) before giving up and calling the folks.
So procedurally, start at the kid level and ask them to leave, and only then elevate it to the parents. But on the other side, the parents should have also called out “I hope our little darling isn’t bothering you; if he is just send him back over here” or some other courtesy.” [deleted]
17. AITJ For Getting A Matching Tattoo With My Friend Without Her Knowledge?
“My friend Jenna (fake name) and I have been friends since we met freshman year in college about 3 years ago. We met during orientation when I offered to sit with her at lunch and we’ve been best friends ever since. It’s almost weird to go a day without us spending time together.
About a week ago, I went on a bachelor trip with my crew in Vegas and we all decided to go to a tattoo parlor and get tattoos together. It was a pretty on the fly decision, and the next tattoo that I was planning on getting was pretty large, so I kinda blanked on what I should get.
I ended up getting a rabbit tattoo and showed the artist a picture of my friend Jenna’s tattoo for reference. We’ve been friends for years so why not get matching tattoos? I was so excited to show her and surprise her so I didn’t even tell her that we were getting tattoos.
Well, today we had planned to get coffee together and hang out so I thought this would finally be the time to surprise her. I took her to her favorite coffee shop, bought us both coffee, and grabbed us a table before I showed her my tattoo.
She was super surprised, but not in the way I expected her to be. She was actually mad about it. Apparently, that tattoo was representing her grandfather and was very meaningful to her. I explained that it reminded me of her so it was very meaningful to me too.
She stormed out of the coffee shop and hasn’t texted or called me back at all today. Lots of friends get matching tattoos so I’m not really sure why she’s upset. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ you stole her tattoo. You didn’t get a matching one, you copied hers.
This is the equivalent of photocopying someone’s essay and saying you worked on it together, of course she’s mad. I don’t even know how you could fix this because you permanently stole the art on her body and put it on yours, attempting to change the meaning of hers in the process.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“I have a female coworker. She received a Pooh pillow from a guy coworker on her birthday. She was sincerely thankful and surprised. Then the guy almost whispering told her, “I also got the same matching pillow in my room.” That sent out multiple alarm bells and red flags.
She was so creeped out. I assume the same thing happened to your friend. That’s really like a big stalker move man. You are not a stalker but gosh, she’s not even your partner. That’s not within the borders of male-female platonic friendship. What it was the sentimentality of the tattoo.
Ugh.” Disastrous_Stay6401
Another User Comments:
“YTJ a matching tattoo is something you BOTH pick to have meaning for you BOTH …you decided that you would get something that had real meaning in her life and didn’t even think to ask if it was okay.
If you were really best friends you would have known to not get something that doesn’t even have meaning to you, it’s been three years, you weren’t close to her grandfather in any way. It comes off as creepy and disrespectful and just overall insensitive.
What you did wasn’t a matching tattoo it was copying and you seem so out of touch with reality to not understand why you are wrong. You used her memorial piece of her grandfather as a way to have matching bonding tattoos and based on your comments you don’t clearly know what a matching tattoo is you’re very much the jerk in this one completely.” Plushydior
16. AITJ For Publicly Acknowledging My Partner's Bio Dad At His Birthday Dinner?
“I (23F) have been in a relationship with my partner (24M) for two years, we are from a small town where everyone knows everyone’s business.
My partner was raised by his grandparents, his oldest brother is his bio dad. The whole town knows, I knew before my partner told me.
The thing is it’s never mentioned or talked about within his family. My partner had said in the past all he has ever wanted was for his bio dad to acknowledge he is his son.
Bio dad is now married (not to his bio mum, she isn’t in the picture), has a couple of kids, and is a very involved dad, this hurts my partner.
When I have mentioned he needs to say something he says he can’t, it will cause drama.
Recently at his bio dad’s birthday dinner at his parents’ place, his wife got up and gave a speech about how amazing he is, etc etc and I admittedly had a few wines and scoffed and rolled my eyes.
Everyone looked at me and I raised my glass and said “three cheers to the amazing dad, to two out of three kids he has.” I admit I shouldn’t have said it, not the right place and time but it has started a conversation between my partner and his bio dad who didn’t know he was feeling that way.
So I don’t actually see what I did as that bad, my partner was mad but he understands why I did it and he said he would have done the same if he was in my shoes.
The issue lies with his wife, she is going in on me all the time now about how I have ruined the family and making her boys (they weren’t at the dinner) question who their dad is which is making me think I was actually in the wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, was it the right time? Not really. But the part that has me laughing is her kids questioning who their dad is. They can’t possibly be questioning that just because he has another kid he didn’t tell them about. That doesn’t make them not his kids.
She’s just embarrassed and angry because you ruined her speech about this dude who was a deadbeat to his first son because he was too young (I am guessing), but gives his all for the new kids who popped into his life. I feel for your partner’s issues around that.
Being the one the bio parents didn’t want does some stuff to your sense of self and esteem. I’m glad it ended up with the two of them talking.” Just_A_Sad_Unicorn
Another User Comments:
“It wasn’t your place to say anything. Not trying to be mean but you are just a partner, not even a fiancée.
It was your partner’s place to have a conversation with his “dad” on how he was feeling, but not in front of everyone. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong setting. Just wrong all the way around. I understand you were standing up for your partner, but you were still wrong.
Your heart was in the right place and I don’t believe you were trying to be malicious, so I don’t think YTJ.” charlie1550
Another User Comments:
“YTJ-ish. This wasn’t your secret to tell … as an announcement… to a group … on the person’s birthday.
Just because it’s an open secret among small-town gossip circles doesn’t mean it’s fair game. You pushed the issue at the wrong time. It’s good that your partner is okay with it. Maybe he needed the nudge. Now that it’s out, your partner and his father may talk it over.
Remember that even though you picked the scab, it’s still his wound. If he wants to talk about it later, do most of the listening. His father’s wife may have responded out of hurt and embarrassment. Did you know whether she was in on the secret?
No one wants to be brazenly reminded that they are the second Mama to her husband’s kids, especially upon praising her man’s daddy skills. She can think ill of you if she chooses, but unless she carries on about it, you only did damage to yourself.
She needs to back off as well because it’s about her husband and your partner. For what it’s worth, I hope the guys have that conversation and get in a better place. If there is a next time where your partner needs to speak up, encourage him, but allow him to take the reins.” GladysKravitz21
YOU cos it wasn't your party, your not engaged to him it wasn't your place to say anything although I understand why you did.. wife is salty cos she doesn't like the thought that her kids will think badly of their dad for the way he ignored their older brother
15. AITJ For Implementing A "Creep Tax" On Men Who Won't Leave Me Alone At Bars?
“I (F20) love to go to bars with my friends and dance and chat with new people.
But almost every time I go out some guy will try to hit on me. Sometimes they leave me alone if I tell them I’m not interested, but other times they follow me all around the bar, make inappropriate comments, and keep trying to dance with me on the dance floor even after I tell them to stop.
Once I have one of these guys after me my night is pretty much ruined.
So I figured I deserved to at least get something good out of it.
After telling them to leave me alone like three times I do what I call a creep tax.
Every time they try to hit on me I suggest they buy me a new drink. And I live in Scandinavia so a drink at a bar is like 9-10 Euros/dollars minimum.
When they wake up the next day they have probably spent around 70-100 euros/dollars on my drinks as well as their own.
I think it’s kinda funny and a lesson in not getting too intoxicated if booze brings out the creep in you. But my male friends say it’s really mean.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. HOWEVER, I would stop doing that. No one ‘owes’ anyone anything here, other than respecting one’s wishes to be left alone.
If a creep lacks the social intelligence to stop hitting on you when all signs point to ‘no’, he will likely interpret you accepting a drink as still being undecided about him. Extreme worst-case scenario, he could tamper with your drink. Is a free drink(s) really worth the potential trouble?
I’m sure there are more creative ways to get rid of unwanted dudes there, like the fake partner, getting bouncers involved, etc.” Young-Roshi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but be cautious. Personally, I don’t think the risks of dealing with a possibly upset intoxicated guy or worse the potential of attempting to tamper with your drink is worth it but it doesn’t make you a jerk.
It’s not exactly the high road but if they think buying you drinks is going to turn your “no” into a “yes” then going home alone and cashless isn’t that harsh of a lesson.” Kataddyr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, take care and also don’t be afraid to tell the bouncers when someone is harassing you.
Or the bar staff, or to be more assertive if needed and if you feel safe enough to. Always put your own safety and comfort first. Secondly, I’d point blank ask the male friends if they have a problem taking no for an answer in the clubs, and if they don’t, why they’re so invested defending the feelings of men who do.” diayfantis
14. AITJ For Restricting My Sister's Access To My Kids After She Gave My Number To Our Estranged Father?
“I (M28) have no contact with my family, only with my brother “John” (M30), my sister “June” (F29) and my paternal uncle “Niko” (M55).
My sister does have a relationship with some maternal cousins, our other “brother” and our “father”.
We (John and I) have a deal with my sister regarding our kids and our father: our father can spend time with our kids when they are with her (our wives are always present), and she can update him about us as far she doesn’t give him our contacts.
This has been going on for years until yesterday.
I received a call from an unknown number, I answered and it was my father. Because I hadn’t talked to him since I was 18, I didn’t recognize him and I hung up the moment he identified himself.
My first instinct was to call my sister, I asked her if she had given him my number, and she confirmed it and I lost it. I told her from now on, I’m not taking the kids to her, she can only see them if she comes to our house (she doesn’t have any disabilities).
She tried to plead but I was having none of it.
My wife was present, and although she supports me when it comes to my father, she said I was a jerk and jumped the gun when it comes to my sister, this is the first time she has done something like this, at least listen to her reasons.
I feel justified but I also feel like a jerk like my wife said. June knows we don’t plan to have a relationship with our father or anyone. She has respected our boundaries and she just decided not to. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“So I happen to have a sibling and I’m no contact with my mother.
My mother does not have my contact information. At one point my father had given her my email, which I was livid about. My brother would never give my mother my phone number. That’s a hard line and he respects it. There’s absolutely no justification for her to give out your phone number.
If there was a legit reason, she should have told you that your father needed to talk to you and then given you his number. It should always be your decision. And she needs to respect that. She’s lost your trust and she has to regain it.
So you setting new boundaries for her is acceptable. And that your father is willing to violate your boundaries indicates he might not be a good person to have in contact with your kids. NTJ.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Frankly, I never share anyone’s personal contact info without their consent (professional/work info yes as that’s public).
I also happily offer to pass along the contact info of the person inquiring rather than wait for permission of the person whose info is requested. This is an even more concerning situation since you have no contact (and I’m guessing for some serious reasons).
I can imagine being shaken and triggered to hear someone’s voice on your phone if you’ve established no contact boundaries. Your sister betrayed your trust; of course you would react as you did. If your sister felt you should open up to your dad, she could’ve spoken to you and given you her reasons instead of taking it upon herself to overrule your boundaries/expectations.” Fresh_Process6822
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your sister always knew your rules and that they were in no way flexible. She deliberately went behind your back and broke your trust. Your wife is wrong here as your sister knew you were against this otherwise she would have asked first. Not doing so disrespected you and your boundaries whilst thinking she knew better than you about your own life.
If it was innocent all it would have taken was her to bring it up first and see if things had softened. No matter if your dad played upset victim she chose to knowingly go behind your back over a major issue. Sister is guiltier than your dad here as she’s the one who abused the situation.
I suggest changing your phone number and withholding it from your sister too. You can set days and times she can visit if she wants and she can either email you or ask someone else to let you know if she can’t make it.
As someone who cut off my parents for their mistreatment, I see how much of a betrayal and deliberate this was.” Sweet-Interview5620
13. AITJ For Snapping At My Partner Over The Noise Of The Ice Maker?
“My (29M) partner (32F) moved in with me not too long ago. Now, my house is pretty small and old, so there are certain noises that can’t be helped, like the creaky wood floor and stuff. And since the walls are plaster and thin, you can hear pretty much everything.
My partner and I both get up early during the week for work, but on the weekends, I like to sleep in until 8:30 or 9 am, while my partner still gets up pretty early to watch/read the news and have coffee. I’m the first to admit that I’m not the happiest of people when I get woken up before I would like to be, and I know that she does her best to be as quiet as possible, she keeps the TV as low as she can and still hear it, wrangles the pets so they don’t make a lot of noise outside the bedroom door, and several other things.
The only issue I’m having is with the ice maker. She likes to have iced coffee in the summer instead of her normal cups of hot coffee. This means that she is using the ice maker in the fridge door in the mornings for her coffee.
It wakes me up EVERY TIME. And, unfortunately, my fridge is built in a way that makes it almost impossible to get into the ice maker to get ice out manually, she would make as much noise doing that as she does using the dispenser.
Well, yesterday morning, when I woke up around 8:15, I snapped at her something about being woken up at 6 am by the ice maker and I would really appreciate it if she could save her coffee drinking for after I’m already up. She said that wasn’t fair to her, she’s doing her best to be quiet, but she’s not going to sit silently on the couch for hours waiting for me to get up, and maybe I should invest in some earplugs.
I told her that I can’t wear earplugs because they hurt my ears, and she said well she can’t help how much sound travels in this house. I said I can’t help it either. She told me that I’m the one who chose this house, and I bought it after we had been together for a little but before we started talking about moving in together, and maybe I should have considered that I would ask her to live with me eventually and should have taken that into consideration when house hunting.
AITJ for how I handled this?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, man. Moving in with someone means everyone has to make adjustments. I’m sure she’d prefer to get up and live her morning at a reasonable volume without the extra work of being quiet, but she does her best to be quiet for your sake.
Now it’s your turn to step up and figure out how to make adjustments to allow her to have her time in the mornings without you grousing about an ice maker. I get that you don’t want to sleep with earplugs. I’ve had that discussion with my husband who snores, and I’ve tried earplugs, and they hurt.
But then I came up with a reasonable solution (I get up and go sleep elsewhere when he’s snoring too loudly). This is now what you need to do. If your ice maker is this much of an issue, maybe consider a new fridge? Alternatively, maybe you look at some ice cube substitutes.
They make silicone “ice cubes” that are reusable (and bonus, won’t water down her coffee!). Maybe you buy her a few sets *and take responsibility for washing/making sure there’s always a set in the freezer for her* (otherwise she gets to use the ice maker).
Maybe you get her some quiet ice cube molds and again, it’s on you to make sure they’re full and available for her use in the morning. There are so many ways to compromise here. Find one before you blow up what sounds like a pretty good thing over iced coffee in the mornings.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ kind of. She is living there, which means it should be her home too, and at home, one should be able to live. This requires some compromise. She is trying to be quiet, you should be trying to look for solutions (maybe there are earplugs that work for you, or a white noise machine, or maybe you get used to it and blank out certain noises during sleep).
There might be a compromise for the ice thing too, if you have a freezer she could make the ice in the evening and then put it in the freezer so she has some to use in the morning. If you don’t have a freezer, maybe get one?
There are also other things you could consider for the house: noise-canceling curtains, carpets, foam panels for walls (there are decorative ones, too), rearranging furniture, etc.” MaralDesa
Another User Comments:
“I’m assuming you mean by “your house” that you own? You need to: 1. Invest in a better door for your bedroom, one that dampens sound.
2. There’s a kind of insulation they make for traditional lath and plaster walls which is made of shredded recycled material and they just drill holes in your walls and blow it in. Get this done. 3. If the preceding doesn’t do it, change the decor in your bedroom to include a heavy velvet curtain hung on the wall facing the kitchen/hallway/whatever room is funneling the noise.
4. If THAT doesn’t do it, hang a sheet of egg-cup foam rubber behind the curtain. 5. And yes, put a cup of ice in the fridge for her first iced coffee in the morning. Presumably, she doesn’t drink three cups in two hours but spreads them out more?
She can use the ice machine again after you get up. Moving in together means you have to compromise and find solutions, not just complain and expect the world to bend around you. She has an earlier schedule than you; you must allow her to start her day reasonably.
Likewise, you’re probably up making noise at night when she’s trying to go to sleep, so these accommodations will help her as well. YTJ.” JadieJang
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Move To California For My Ex's New Job?
“My (36M) ex (36F) and I got divorced in February of this year, but have been separated since October 2020. Our three daughters have lived with me since she moved out. She has communicated that she wants to do split time with our kids but needs: 1) A better-paying job with 2) hours that would let her be with the kids 3) a house of her own and 3) time to get everything ready for them to come live with her.
She just got promoted to GM of her workplace, which was a significant pay increase and way better hours that would allow her to see the girls. She used to work 11a to 8 p. Not great for kiddos. She now works 9a to 6p. Way better.
She put in an offer on a house and has a potential closing date at the end of the month.
Now her boss has said he has a great opportunity for her that’s a perfect fit.
It’s in California.
We’ve lived here for nine years.
Her parents live here and are actually super helpful to me by watching the kids when I need them to. I have a great relationship with my in-laws. My ex, their mom, watches the kids on occasion but usually says she is too busy with work to help.
She texted me saying that she was going to interview and ask for remote, but if they ask her if she’s willing to relocate, “What are you hoping for/would be open to.”
I told her she’s great for the job, but remote was the way to go.
I could not support moving out to California because: 1) I have a great paying job here that supports me and the kids. 2) The girls and I have benefited from a great support system of church and friends in the difficult last two years that I don’t want to leave.
3) Her parents live here and have been super helpful to me in caring for the kids. I don’t want to give up their support and the consistency they have offered my daughters. 4) I have no guaranteed job in California. I’m a youth pastor. A divorced youth pastor.
My church kept me on and that’s not a small thing to walk away from.
Our divorce decree says we will do 50/50. I WANT the girls to have a relationship with their mother.
But now that she has a job with better hours, an offer on a house, and the ability to be with the girls, she wants to move herself, me, and our kids out to California.
The job she is being offered is something she is very excited about. It seems right up her alley and could be a great way for her to move forward in her career.
She’s very disappointed in my unwillingness to move for her job.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – hopefully, ex can remote work and travel to Cal office as needs be. The girls are fine with you and ILs if ex needs to go for a week or 2, several times a year or a week a month, or 2 weeks home, 2 weeks Cal. She could move out there alone and have the girls during school breaks?
But ex is the one who has to upheave her life. This is her opportunity and her choice. If she misses this opportunity, It’s not forever, just while the girls are in school. Otherwise, her current role as GM is going to have to do for now and she can take opportunities in the future.
Why should you, 3 girls and 2 ILs (6 people) be totally upheaved for 1…?” OhButWhyNow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You and your kids have a home, job, and social lives. It would be extremely unwise to uproot your children to chase your ex. Reading between the lines, it sounds like your ex has been very selfish.
You’re supposed to have the girls 50/50, but the girls live with you. When your ex’s hours changed to be more conducive to spending time with the kids, did she actually start having them 50% of the time? Or is she making excuses why she can’t do that?
Is “getting a house” and a “better job” a higher priority for her than being a mom? Or is she making an effort to parent? Because your kids don’t need a house as badly as they need consistent parenting And if your ex isn’t parenting much now, a new job, a new house, and/or a new state isn’t going to change that.
You need to keep your job and do the best job providing for the physical and emotional needs of your children. Whether your ex stays in Tx or moves to Ca, stay where you are.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“Much respect for providing for your kids and encouraging their relationship with their mother.
I think you’re in a tough spot with moving. Unless you have a commercially desirable degree tucked in your sleeve, you’re going to have a hard time being able to support your kids in a new city – assuming there’s no church position for you there.
Understated in your post, speaking from experience, is the value of family & community support in raising children. Moving away from readily available family will increase child-care costs twofold, if not more. Your work-life balance will suffer immensely. If you can look into your heart and 100% say that your motivation is not about punishing your ex, you have my whole-hearted NTJ.” [deleted]
11. AITJ For Kicking Out My Friend After She Admitted To Setting Me Up As A "Consolation Prize"?
“I (26F) started seeing Jay (26M) around 2 months ago, we were at a friend’s party.
I was at a table talking to another friend Katy (24f) when he first asked me out. My friend Eve (26F) was at the same party with us. I just got to know via Jay that he actually had come over to ask Katy out not me but he got scared that she was so good-looking that she was gonna reject him.
He lost his nerve & when he left to get a drink he told this to Eve. Eve suggested that he ask me out instead because “I was a 5 while Katy was a 10”.
We started going out & it was all fine until a couple of days ago when Jay told me the truth although he never mentioned Eve & just referred to her as a friend.
I had a couple of friends over yesterday including Eve for dinner. We were talking about my breakup when she mentioned something about setting me up at the party with Jay. I got really angry at her as soon as I realized & we got into a big argument.
I told her to leave my house, and she protested that she hadn’t even eaten yet & I told her to get lost & go eat at Jay’s.
I’m still mad about the whole thing but I’m torn over whether I’m the jerk or not.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. It’s deeply insulting. What on earth was Jay’s reason for telling you? You’re better off without both of them frankly. You are not a consolation prize, you should be the main event in your relationship. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt by this but moving forward your life is better without these toxic people.” sashaopinion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but Eve is a bastion of jerkiness. She basically told him Katy was hot but you were not, so why not try for a runner-up prize rather than being alone? She was moaning about not eating and you’re a better person than me as I would have lobbed bread at her till she got lost out of your house.
She likes scales so tell her that on the jerk scale she is a solid ten. I’d be questioning Jay too if he really likes you or if you’re a placeholder til he can get a 6-7.” Wetnosedcretin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This isn’t a friend.
What friend sets you up with someone who’s not even interested in you to begin with? Who rates their friends that’s so childish. Then compares you to another friend and gives you a mid-rating. Eve isn’t your friend. As to her being hungry, that’s her problem.
And good response when kicking her out OP.” Pineapple_Wagon
10. AITJ For Losing My Cool With My Daughter's School Counselor Over A Dress Code Issue?
“Yesterday I got an alarming text from my daughter while at work/running errands. She says “Daddy I need you right now!” Being overprotective, I asked her what happened and immediately dropped everything to drive up to her school.
She said a particular counselor had given her a detention slip because of her pants. When I saw her getting dressed for school, she wore these pink and black Batman pajama pants that she has worn before.
As I’m making the drive to her school she calls me and says the counselor is following her and yelling at her to call me or she’s going to have detention all week.
By the time I get to the school, my daughter is in tears saying she continued the threat of detention while she was in class and that she followed her into the classroom. At this point I’m angry.
I get ahold of the counselor and absolutely lose my cool.
I asked why was my daughter being targeted when I clearly saw at least 5 other students with similar style pants. And are they being subjected to the same reaction that my daughter got, and she told me to mind my business and worry about my daughter.
I kept my cool at that point because she called the school police as I was leaving.
So, AITJ for cussing out her counselor and possibly making it worse for her with that counselor?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The school counselor was following OP’s child around yelling at her enough that she was in tears?
And followed her into the classroom to continue this during class? And all the threats are because of a dress code violation for pajama pants? OP should be upset. I was in his daughter’s shoes a few times in high school (without the counselor yelling bit).
I remember one dress code violation was for wearing the same exact skirt other kids were wearing and I pointed out a few people in the hallway wearing the same skirt, but apparently, that didn’t matter. My parents were just as upset. OP yelling may not be his finest moment, but I don’t think he’s a jerk for it.
The only thing I’d advise is that OP should raise the issue with the principal. And if this happens again, to go to the principal first and not talk to the counselor or whoever else issues the violation.” Jellyfish1297
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – to be fair it’s difficult to assess because the degree of jerkiness of each person sort of depends on how far the other was pushing the limits of propriety.
However, you were already angry before you even spoke to the guidance counselor and by your own explanation lost your cool almost immediately. I’m not telling you not to believe your daughter, but going after someone who is doing their job in a blind rage without as much as double-checking what exactly went down is crazy.
That person is doing their (if this is the US severely underpaid) job and you made them feel so threatened that they called the police. What on earth are you trying to teach your daughter by behaving this way?” Electronic-Ad-3875
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here.
The school (not necessarily the counselor herself) sucks for not allowing teenagers to wear silly pants. I’m not a fan of most school dress codes in general, but sweatpants/pajama pants cover someone up and that should be enough. Wearing clothes that stand out is a way for teenagers to express themselves and part of development.
Your daughter is disrespectful for walking away while the school counselor is talking to her (at least, that’s what I gather from “she kept talking to her while following her into the classroom”). I can give her a pass for being 14, but still, I hope that’s not how she usually behaves.
You suck for being a “curling parent” or “lawnmower parent” and for yelling and cussing at someone doing their job, no matter how much you disagree with that part of their job, to the point that they felt the need to call the police. Also, there is no sign that your daughter was being singled out.
For all you know, those other kids got their detention slips already. Or maybe your daughter was the first to receive hers that day and the counselor didn’t have time for the others yet because daddy barged in making a scene.” Pinglenook
9. AITJ For Refusing To Spend Time With My Sister If Her Controlling Partner Is Around?
“My sister (17) has been seeing a guy (19) for the past 9 months. He texts her every 5 seconds when he is not around and gets mad/sad if she doesn’t answer. He is at our house 24/7 and will even call off work if we make plans to do something together with other friends.
He gets upset and jealous of male friends who we have known for 7+ years even if she’s passing them a bottle of water.
A couple of weeks ago we had a party for a friend’s birthday and I was tired and didn’t want to go since there was going to be booze and I just wasn’t in the mood.
My sister begs me to go with her as she wanted to go out. At the party, she just sat in the corner the whole time with her significant other and barely spoke to anyone including me. After her significant other passed out from overindulging then she started socializing.
I started fighting with her because of the way she was acting and she said it’s because he didn’t want her to drink or talk to our friends. My sister has never been the type to listen to even our parents.
I spoke to her about the fact that she acts differently when he is around and that I don’t feel comfortable spending time with her if he is there.
She said she understood and that she would make time for us to spend together and talk to him about having boundaries and not trying to control her. I told her I didn’t want to get in between her relationship so I would respect their time together as well.
We made plans to go eat after I got out of work so she dropped me using my car in the morning. When she picked me up he was in the car with her. I got mad and refused to go with them and had her drop me off home.
AITJ for refusing to spend time with her if he is around and giving her the silent treatment for violating my boundaries?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ (but neither is your sister). Crikey some of these red flag posts are about very young ones I’m concerned this significant other is deliberately isolating your sister from friends and family.
You were supposed to see her alone, and oh look here he is, and he gets what he wants – you won’t hang out. Your sister is with someone who is manipulating and controlling, so she needs you to stay in her life and not walk away.
Please try and be there for her and keep that door open even if you need to put down some boundaries for yourself. Have you spoken to your parents about this relationship? I don’t have the experience to say how best to help your sister, I’m hoping someone else on this thread will” Chilli_Civily
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I (28) let go of my relationship with my brother (32) because his significant other is the most manipulative, toxic, controlling person I’ve ever met, and I can’t stand to be around it anymore. I tried so hard to make it work, but it always ended up with me being hurt.
I love my brother always, but he’s a different person when she’s around, and she always wants to be around because of her narcissism. It was so much drama to get him by himself. Obviously, there’s a lot more to this, but you don’t have to put with it.
Anyone would be upset after you just talked to her, and she just went against everything she just said to you. You do what’s best for you.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“No! The only jerk here is the partner. This guy is controlling. He has problems. For some reason, your sister is “taken” by this guy.
I think they would call what you are describing, love bombing. Comes on sweet, overly attentive, probably claiming love within the first week of being together, essentially smothering her into thinking this is what a relationship is and what love is and is working on getting your sister away from everyone.
You are allowed to have your boundaries and if staying away from this guy when he is around is what you need to do, do it. But don’t abandon your sister. Be there to listen to her. She already knows how you feel about him.
Just listen, don’t judge her. Just point out observations. When you judge her for what she is doing, it may drive her closer to him. She may be relaying what you are saying to him and now he is able to tell her that what you are saying is out of jealousy or whatever.
This guy is bad news! Your sister seems to know there is a problem. He is going to do everything possible to separate her from you and everyone else. This is what abusers do. This is how they work. Divide and destroy. He may also be telling her that no one loves him, all his past partners have abandoned him or broken up with him.
It will always be someone else’s fault. Are your parents aware of this? What are her friends saying? She may need help getting out of this relationship. If you have described everything to us as accurately as possible. The responses from here should be enough to show her that what is going on is abusive.
Sorry if I am rambling, I am half awake but had to write in. This is abuse!” Shoo_B_Doo_B_Doo
8. AITJ For Reporting A Final Year Student's Plagiarism Resulting In Their Expulsion?
“I’m a teaching assistant at my university for a final year course. It’s a mandatory course required for graduation. A few weeks ago I see an assignment that’s flagged by the automatic plagiarism system and when I review it, it’s word for word a copy of someone else’s work.
I’m not sure how it is in other schools but at my school, plagiarism is taken very seriously and in the best case you fail the course and worst case you will be kicked out of the school.
Basically, a few other teaching assistants, the professor, and I are meeting to decide whether or not to report it to the school as it’s the final term for this student and they’re literally about to graduate in a month.
I was on the side of reporting it and in the end, the student was kicked out on poor standing meaning they will likely never get into any other university, essentially ruining their career.
I know that legally, this is the right thing to do and it’s in my contract to report these events, but people are saying I’m a jerk and I feel like a jerk for helping destroy the career of a student who was in the last leg of their studies and almost graduated. I would’ve risked my own job if I didn’t report it and the school found out so I felt like I had to but it doesn’t feel good.
Former teaching assistants are telling me that they usually let those things slide for final year courses as students deserve to graduate but I didn’t know this beforehand. I wanted an outside opinion, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – The student destroyed their career. They chose to plagiarize and they need to face the consequences of their actions.
Going easy on final-year students is not marking as harshly when they don’t meet the requirements of the assignment. It’s not blatantly ignoring plagiarism and helping a student receive a degree they didn’t earn! That’s a disservice to the other students who worked hard and earned their grades and diplomas.” Entertainer-True
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Most universities have a code of conduct that includes information regarding plagiarism & the consequences of plagiarizing. You were contractually required to report. The student knew better but chose to copy word for word another person’s paper. I understand you feel bad for them but they made the conscious decision to plagiarize.
If they were struggling to get the assignment done they could have reached out to the professor or taken any other course of action over plagiarizing which they knew would put them at risk of not graduating & being expelled.” FoldNtheCheese
Another User Comments:
“The other teaching assistants are wrong.
No one deserves to graduate. A degree is earned, and a student has to earn it by doing the work. This student didn’t do the work. They stole someone else’s work and passed it off as their own. They could have gone to your office hours.
They could have gone to the Writing Center at your college if there was one. They had options. They chose the worst one. Your fellow teaching assistants could and should get in serious trouble for letting seniors get away with dishonesty. And I say all this as a college professor.
NTJ.” ComprehensiveBand586
7. AITJ For Not Working This Weekend Because My Pay Is Always Delayed?
“I am a veterinarian. I work remotely as a pet care consultant on weekdays and an attending veterinarian at a local animal clinic on weekends. I actually can skip working on weekends but I’m overweight, and I need some exercise plus the owner of the animal clinic is my friend from university, they had a baby almost a year ago, so they really need my assistance on weekends.
However, when it comes to work, I want everything on time. I’m pleased when lunchtime is on time, I get to go home on time and my salary is on time. It’s a regular thing for us to receive our salary a few days delayed. It’s kind of annoying that I need to chase after my money.
I’ve mentioned this before that I’m uncomfortable asking for my salary, so please deposit my salary on time. They apologized and said they will work on it; salary was on time after that (once) then after that we are back to delayed salary again.
Two weekends ago, I asked for my salary, and received a reply “yeah sure,” went to the bank, no deposit. Okay maybe they are busy, next day visit the bank again, no deposit. So Friday night I sent a message, “I can’t come this weekend, thank you.” Within 10 mins I got my salary.
So salary time, yesterday, I asked for my salary last night, and until now no deposit. I am thinking of not going to work this weekend however this weekend is their daughter’s first birthday. If I take a weekend off, one of them needs to skip the birthday party.
AITJ if I will take a weekend off?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — their kid’s birthday isn’t your problem. (NO kid remembers their first birthday, that party is for the adults!) Your problem is receiving your pay in a timely manner, for the work you do.
Your friend the clinic owner isn’t being just ‘forgetful’, this is purposeful. There are likely cash-flow problems, whether it’s because the clinic is being run poorly or if the owner is spending the payroll money on personal expenditures. Why should you be expected to work reliably every weekend when they can’t be equally reliable?
I’m sure there are other vet clinics that would be absolutely thrilled to have reliable coverage on weekends and that would pay you on time. Your friend is taking advantage of you. Some friend!” TwistyHeretic2
Another User Comments:
“I think working on the weekends is a commitment you have made and in terms of professionalism you should work the weekends but you should also communicate with them that if you don’t have your pay slip on X day then you won’t be working on the weekend in future.
I also think they’re your friends and celebrating a really important milestone so let’s not burn the friendship bridge yet. Do them this one solid and set your expectations. It’s unfair on you to work without getting paid and especially when it’s work on the weekend.
But also they have been your friends and are regularly late or unorganized with payment. Maybe they could change how they pay like pay you end of your shift Sunday or idk brainstorm with them on alternative ways where they can manage this better because it is unfair on you.” Chickpeasquash
Another User Comments:
“Depending on where you live, it might be able they are still adhering to the rules. For instance, in the Netherlands employers are allowed to pay their employees till the end of the month. 31 or 30th whatever. I am an employer, and I have agreed with my employees I will always pay on the 25th unless the 25th is a Saturday then they will get it on the 24th if it’s on a Sunday they will be paid on the 26th.
But it has happened that it slipped my mind and I paid later. Don’t like it but stuff happens. If it’s always I would have a long and hard discussion with them saying it’s unacceptable. But not going in regardless of their kid’s birthday doesn’t sit well with me personally.
Nonetheless, verdict NTJ cause I get that stuff gets annoying fast.” DutchWinchester86
6. AITJ For Feeling Neglected After My Partner Dismissed Our Planned Activities?
“I (F19) took my partner (M19) out of state to see one of his favorite artists as a surprise. It was a little getaway for 2 days and was our first trip out of state together. I ended up surprising him when we got there with really close seats.
For context, I’m also in school and working 2 jobs with no financial support from anyone so it was really hard for me to swing this.
We ended up being at the concert so late that we weren’t able to do anything after besides go to the hotel and go to sleep.
When we woke up in the morning, he made mention of leaving within 5 minutes of me being awake. This kind of caught me off guard because I thought we were going to do something fun before we headed home (we talked about this for weeks.) I mentioned us sitting down for breakfast at a place I’ve been begging him to try and he didn’t really seem all that excited so I said we could just go through a drive-thru.
Then, we passed a shopping center, where I had also mentioned wanting to go and he just kinda laughed it off.
So at this point, I’m a little irritated, I went above and beyond to do something special for him and this is the thanks I get.
By no means was I expecting him to buy me anything or repay the favor, I just specifically wanted to spend some quality time together.
So on the way home, I just stayed to myself and didn’t talk very much. Eventually, he asked what was wrong so I told him, at this point, we had already made it back to our home state so it was too late for us to turn around and do anything to make up for the time we just lost. He said he was sorry and offered to get us lunch at a place of my choice.
I chose somewhere little at one of the malls near our hometown.
As soon as we park, his dad calls. He asks if we want to come eat lunch with him and his mom at a place that serves Asian food (I’m a picky eater and do not like Asian food, he is very aware of this).
Immediately my partner says yes. Again, I’m stunned, he didn’t even ask if it was something I would want to eat and just dropped the plans for what I chose to eat? I was so frustrated I started crying and asked him to just take me home.
I feel so defeated and invisible. Am I being selfish? I just want to feel like I also matter in my relationship.”
Another User Comments:
“Just to clarify: You both knew you were going to the concert, staying over, then doing specific things together the next day before heading home.
After waking up he wanted to just head home, he brushed off your suggestion of a sit-down breakfast and then later your suggestion to go shopping. Again, you already discussed and agreed to do this specific stuff well beforehand. Then you get to your home state he says he is going to have lunch with you at a place of your choosing, but then accepts lunch for the both of you with his dad at a place he knew you did not like.
Is he usually this selfish and inconsiderate? NTJ.” StonewallBrigade21
Another User Comments:
“NTJ from what I read it looks like he’s going to be your future ex-partner. You have to be a little more assertive when you make plans. I understand if you want to wing it sometimes, me personally if I ask my partner where she wants to go for dinner or if she wants to make dinner, she gives me an answer every time.
If we go out and we’re winging it we wing it. We are always on the same page. You need to do the same thing and work on your communication skills with your partner so that these things don’t happen in the future if you have any plans of being successful in your relationship.
I wish you the best of luck.” Suspicious_Step_9018
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look hun, you care about his wants & needs, he doesn’t seem to care about yours back. Neither of you is likely a perfect partner – in general working on communication, comprehension & conflict resolution is a must in all relationships.
But that only works if both parties want it to & put in the work. He seems more inclined to do what he feels like & expects you to just go along with it. He didn’t sound apologetic or remorseful, although you should have been more clear that you did want to do those things rather than leaving them as general options.
He also bailed on his lunch offer because an option he liked better came up. He brushed off your feelings because they didn’t matter to him as much as his. Please date someone who shows you they care about your wants and needs too. It likely isn’t this guy.” Left_Adhesiveness_16
5. AITJ For Lashing Out At My Ex For Acting Like My Daughter's Father?
“I (f34) had been with my husband for over 12 years. We had our child when I was 31, and my husband 33. Sadly, recently (1.5 years ago, when my baby was around 2 y.) my husband, the love of my life, died in a tragic accident (a careless driver hit his car on a foggy slippery road, he died instantly in the crash).
His death left me in shambles, the only thing that kept me at least sane was our daughter. I couldn’t believe that I lost him. He was my rock, my light and I loved him dearly. In a way, I still cannot believe that he’s gone.
That’s where my ex comes in. In about year after my husband’s accident, he reached out to me to talk, to vent maybe. We separated a long time ago, a couple of years before I met my husband. We didn’t exactly stay friends but were on good terms, and spoke occasionally – hi, how are you kind of talk.
So he reached out and offered to help as a friend. It was unexpected but I accepted because I really needed a friend and frankly I don’t have a lot of close friends besides him.
He occasionally came over to our place, brought some gifts to my daughter and we talked over tea or a beer.
It wasn’t intimate – he had several casual relationships over the years, and I clearly told him that I was not ready for any relationships after my husband (still not ready, I guess).
So he came over once or twice a month, he was very sweet with my daughter, so I didn’t see anything wrong with them bonding.
But then my baby started calling my ex Papa. It annoyed me very much, but I didn’t say anything, because she’s a toddler – how is she supposed to know any better? I tried gently explaining to her that my ex isn’t Papa, but I doubt she understood.
So I just started sending her to my or my husband’s mom when my ex came over. In truth I know our baby won’t remember her father – photos are all she’ll have of him. And I don’t want another man to take his place in her eyes.
So everything was normal again. I noticed that my ex was visibly upset when I told him that my daughter wasn’t home. But I didn’t think much of it.
And last time is when I snapped. That’s where I might be the jerk because I ended up screaming at my ex and probably should have handled it better.
So when he was at our house and we played some video games and had a couple of beers, my mother brought my daughter home early – she was very grumpy and wanted to go home. He stood up and told my daughter – here’s MY baby, I missed you!
And reached to hug her.
That’s where I snapped at him. I told him angrily that he is in fact not her father, and that she is my and my husband’s baby and will never be his baby no matter how much he wants it.
And if he wants to have a child he still has plenty of chances with his partner.
He told me I was a real jerk for saying such cruel things and left.
My mother told me that I was kind of a jerk too and I acted like a child.
So am I?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!!! For whatever reason, he’s been doing a slow creep into your life and trying to be your daughter’s father. You brushed it off long enough, to the point where you snapped. We ALL have a breaking point, and that’s okay.
Tell your mom: “Although you think I was rude, I wasn’t. I had reached my breaking point. Ex has no right to try to be dad, and he needed to hear this very directly. He has a partner. He needs to stop coming around.
I am past done. Would you appreciate someone claiming me as their daughter in this way? No? End of conversation.”” Beck2010
Another User Comments:
“So your “toxic” ex who continues to not treat his partners well, and who currently has a partner, is fixating on your baby, encouraging her to call him papa, referring to her as his baby, and gets upset if he doesn’t get access to her… and then gets mad at you and calls you cruel and a jerk for calling out his inappropriate behavior?
Which part was he more mad about, you saying that he is not entitled to your child, or reminding him that he has a partner? Why on Earth do you still think it might be a good idea to keep him in your and your child’s life?
He does not sound like a safe person to be around, and on some level, you think that too, or you wouldn’t have felt like you needed to keep your child away from him or reacted the way you did when he grabbed her. NTJ for protecting your child, but you need to keep this creep away from her.” Pomegranate-142
Another User Comments:
“I mean, working his way into your life and treating your daughter like his own despite that you are NOT together and he has absolutely no biological or legal right to father your child, and that he’s basically allowing proximity to condition your child into seeing him as a father is creepy as heck, IMO.
What the heck does he think he’s doing? Why would he just insert himself in your child’s life with no romantic connection whatsoever to you, her mother? Super super super super creepy. I don’t blame you for getting agitated and making a big push, because that is so far past normal human boundaries it’s really icky.
NTJ. Set some hard boundaries now. You’re also still in mourning, and you may never ever seek a relationship to replace your late husband. That’s perfectly okay. It honestly feels like your ex is either trying to worm his way back into your life or has a very unhealthy interest in your child.
Neither is okay.” SylphofBlood
4. AITJ For Not Letting My Accident-Prone Wife Drive?
“My (37m) wife (33f) and I have been together for 11 years. She’s amazing in every way and is actually a good driver. Her issue is that she does not have any special awareness and cannot seem to pay attention to other drivers.
We had two vehicles that she totaled, both her fault due to the other drivers stopping in a merge and her rear-ending them.
Because of my line of work, I have had a company vehicle for the last 6.5 years, so she cannot drive it and we haven’t had a personal car during that time for her to use. I have refused to pay for a car due to her accidents and said I would just drive her places or pay for Ubers.
Recently I switched employment and had to purchase my own vehicle for work which my employer reimburses me for monthly. I was going to give her another chance and add her to the insurance, however, she took a trip to visit her sister and used a car share app, and was pulled over right away for distracted driving while using her phone.
I’ve now told her she won’t be going on the insurance and again I’ll just drive her places or pay for Ubers. She’s pretty upset…AITJ?
Side note, she does make enough money to buy her own car, but she only needs a car at most once a week so we both agree it doesn’t make financial sense for her to buy one.”
Another User Comments:
“”And is actually a good driver. Her issue is that she does not have any special awareness and cannot seem to pay attention to other drivers. We had two vehicles that she totaled, both her fault due to the other drivers stopping in a merge and her rear-ending them.” You just completely contradicted yourself here.
She is not a good driver. She is a very, very bad driver. You’re NTJ for not allowing her to drive, you’re doing a public service. Honestly, the fact that someone like her can somehow keep her license is a big problem. Someone with two at-fault accidents where she totaled two cars in the span of 11 years shouldn’t be allowed to drive.
Sorry, your wife is a jerk for not caring about the people around her, and the fact that she’s driving a giant machine that could easily harm someone. Like, what the heck? What if she had hit a kid texting while driving?” ThePhilV
Another User Comments:
“Okay. So, your wife is a bit squirrelly behind the wheel of a couple of Tonne automobiles. What’s the worst thing that could happen, she runs over a Girl Scout troop selling cookies at a Senior Retirement Home? Probably. Bro, she needs driver’s ed classes AGAIN!
Or have a magistrate revoke her license. Other than this, she is entitled to drive whatever she wants. I feel for you, bro. I had to stand up in court, with my grandfather and had the magistrate permanently revoke his license. Top five hardest things I have ever done.
Breaking my heart all over, right now. Sometimes, it’s for the greater good. Save lives and your conscience. Good luck, and tell her you dearly love her.” OK_Playboy_WhatNow
Another User Comments:
“Wow. What a tough spot to be in! But refusing to let her drive your car is the right thing to do.
And I say that as someone who was bristling at “not letting my wife” in the title. She’s been lucky so far that no one has been seriously injured — the next accident could be catastrophic: death, prison, financial ruin… That’s true for all of us, but most drivers don’t have such a poor record, and the odds are increasingly against her.
At 33, your wife is sure to feel her freedom being restricted if she cannot drive, even if Ubers abound. But some people just don’t have the skillset for driving. And the less one drives, the more existing skills erode. Your wife might be able to build her skills with driving school, with therapy, or even with medication if ADD is an issue.
But something needs to change before she gets behind the wheel again.” UnCertainAge
3. AITJ For Ruining Dinner By Pointing Out One Of The Guests Used To Bully Me?
“My parents were hosting dinner with some business associates of my dad’s and I was required to attend.
One of the guests, Julian, was one of my school bullies. My parents both know that he and his friends used to bully me so I was upset that they would invite him to dinner without warning me beforehand.
I tried not to speak to him and just ate quietly but then he directly asked me if we had met before because I looked familiar.
I probably could’ve lied but seeing his stupid arrogant face again annoyed me so I reminded him that he and his friends used to bully me. At first, he denied it, but then I listed some of the things his friends did to me and he remembered.
My dad was visibly angry by this point and I was upset too so I just excused myself because I didn’t want to make him angrier. Julian did try to apologize to me but I ignored him.
After everybody left my dad yelled at me for causing a scene, embarrassing him, and acting like a child.
He wants me to go to lunch with Julian since apparently after I left he kept telling everybody how awful he felt for what he did as a child and he wanted to make it up to me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your father is – for thinking that his business associate is more important than his child.
I’m going to bet Julian’s okay on this one. Initial denials notwithstanding (because no one wants to think of themselves as evil), he has apparently matured into remorse for past behaviors, and learning that the effects of said behaviors are long-lasting isn’t a bad thing for him.
Good luck with your father. He’s the real problem here.” tosser9212
Another User Comments:
“INFO: How were you required to attend? What would have been the consequences of you refusing to attend? Or agreeing and then saying you were unwell at the last minute? Are you dependent on your dad for income or housing?
He’s definitely the jerk but I’m wondering if all of this could’ve simply been avoided by you not attending to begin with. The way I see it, everyone wound up upset anyway, you got yelled at by your dad anyway, and now you’re being pushed to see your bully yet again for a forced reconciliation.
I can’t imagine things could’ve gone any worse if you just stood your ground from the beginning and didn’t show up.” JaneIre
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sorry your parents are rather toxic towards your mental/emotional well-being. You should not feel bad about trying to distance yourself from the situation that your parents set you up for.
DO NOT go to lunch with this person. It would only be for their benefit and not for yours. You continue to keep your distance from the situation as much as possible. Is there anyone you can stay with for a bit so you don’t feel browbeaten?” Finemind
2. AITJ For Choosing A Job Interview Over My Mother's Fifth Wedding?
“For the past few months, I (26f) have been unemployed and desperate for a job and I finally got an opportunity for a job at Asda (a popular British supermarket) but the date overlapped with my 52-year-old mother’s fifth wedding.
Over the span of my life, my mother has been in over 50 relationships, only 5 lasting more than 2 months, as a child this really distressed me as I had many random men coming into my house frequently and my mum was pretty much neglecting me throughout this.
My dad left when I was 4 after my mother was unfaithful to him with 6 guys (I found this out a lot later) and I didn’t have contact with him until I was 18. After all of my mother’s relationships (and 4 divorces), she finally insisted she had found the right man and invited me to their wedding 2 weeks before my interview and I realized they were on the same date.
I figured that going to the interview would benefit me more than the wedding and decided to go to the interview instead, I assumed my mother wouldn’t mind as I had attended every wedding before that but I was wrong. She was very angry at me and my whole family has been calling to tell me how much of a jerk I am for missing my mother’s big day.
I did get the job though and now I am financially stable enough to afford rent for my 1 bedroom flat and I do not regret a thing. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I love all the snarky comments telling her you’ll come to her 6th, but if you need an actually productive thing to tell her, apologize for the unavoidable conflict (just to keep the peace) and tell her you’d love to take her out to dinner/make them dinner to celebrate their first anniversary next year, either on the date or near it (if they want that date for something special just for them).
(But set a price limit if you go out… that could get rough.) NTJ, for sure.” Susan4Pax
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Congratulations on the job and I’m sorry that you got dragged through childhood in the wake of your mom’s messy love life. I had similar experiences and it leaves some darn strange psychological effects.
Obviously, I have no idea where you are at with all of that but if you suspect that it is impacting the way you connect with people, I will say that therapy helped me put in a better perspective and reduce the effects of my past on my present.” rapt2right
Another User Comments:
“I’m not exactly sure where we should draw the line, but I think when someone’s fifth marriage license application comes across someone’s desk, I feel like it should be denied and returned with a pamphlet on polyamory support groups or something. Monogamy isn’t your thing, that’s ok, please stop trying.
(Not a dig at polyam folks, she’s obviously skipping the ethical and consensual part of what makes it work and is a trainwreck, I just wonder if these types of people could ever participate happily and ethically in relationships if they were taught they didn’t need to stick with a single partner forever.)” [deleted]
1. AITJ For Asking My Partner's Daughter For Permission To Propose Before Asking Her?
“I (27M) have been seeing my partner (26F) for about 4 years now and we were friends for a couple of years before that. We don’t live together really but spend multiple days at each other’s houses on and off almost all the time. My partner has a daughter (7F) from a previous relationship that ended basically right after her daughter was born.
The father is difficult sometimes from what my partner has told me but he isn’t a bad guy and the breakup was mutual and peaceful.
I’ve come to realize how much I love my partner and want to spend the rest of my life with her.
We’ve talked about marriage before and she seemed receptive. But I worried about how her daughter would feel. We have a good relationship. She definitely likes having me around (after about a year or so of shyness) and my partner trusts me to pick her up from school and activities.
So the other day my partner asked me to pick up her daughter from school so I did and I asked her if she was hungry and if she wanted to go to McDonald’s for a treat. She said yes so I took her.
We went inside. Got some food and sat down and I asked her if she would be okay with me asking her mom to marry me. I made it clear to her that I wasn’t trying to replace her dad. Just that I loved her mom very much and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
But if she wasn’t comfortable with me asking, I would wait until she was.
Her daughter was ecstatic and loved the idea of me marrying her mom. I thanked her and hugged her. But I told her that she had to keep it a secret from her mom until I did propose.
She agreed but of course she’s a 6-year-old. She told her mom that very night. My partner put her to bed and came to talk to me and she was very upset with me and told me that I was being manipulative and creepy asking a 6-year-old for permission to marry her mom.
“Of course she would say yes. She’s a kid. You’re an adult. You should have asked ME first and then asked daughter if you really felt like you had to.”
I apologized and tried to explain my actions and rationale but my partner was too upset and asked me to go home for the night and we would talk about this later.
We’ve talked since then and we’re still together but she’s still upset with me for “going over her head” and I haven’t proposed yet obviously.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for doing it, not for your reasons. It’s great that you’re considerate of her child and your heart is in the right place.
6 years old is very young though and for many reasons, including what happened because of this, you should realize this was just a bad idea. I’d think if you explain to your partner that you just wanted to do what you thought was right and did this because you value her daughter’s opinion it will be alright.
Don’t do this in an excusing way though. Your partner is right, you did mess up and you need to own up to it. Just because you did a jerk thing doesn’t mean you can’t make things right. Everyone messes up sometimes, what matters is owning up to it, learning from it, and making things right.” ZakSherlack
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I can totally see both sides of this issue. I can see that your intentions were pure, and I applaud you for considering the child’s feelings. But… yeah, she’s 6/7. If you already had a decent relationship, in all likelihood her consent was inevitable.
If we were talking about a tween or older who could potentially have a much more visceral reaction, I could see how this would be seen as more of an obligation. I don’t think either of you is in the wrong here, it was just a whoopsie.
Your intentions were good, but you didn’t consider her perspective. If the kid also brings this news to bio-dad, it could accidentally cause unintended strife if that’s a situation that would have required more delicacy (like the two of you telling him personally, post-proposal). Would it make things worse or be extra cute at this point if you involved the kid in your future proposal plans?” echoCashMeOusside
Another User Comments:
“Am I going insane? Asking anyone but the person you want to marry for permission (permission!) is gross as women are not property and don’t need anyone to give permission before they can make their own decisions. By doing this, you are indirectly telling your partner that her judgment about her relationship and her daughter are unsound and that you don’t trust she can make her own decisions about her and her daughter’s life.
Your heart wasn’t “in the right place” as a lot of people here claim. And of course it was creepy, you were involving a small child in a very adult matter without her parent present. I know I will get downvoted for this because people seem to think this kind of nonsense is cute, but it’s infantilizing and archaic.
YTJ.” IAmNotAPersonSorry
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