People Want To Know We’ll Have Their Backs In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
22. AITJ For Threatening To Send My Nephew To Foster Care If No One Helps Me Financially?
“I (F18) currently take care of my 8-month-old nephew and have been since he was 5 months old.
Let’s call him Timmy. Timmy is my eldest cousin’s (M25’s) baby who’s currently in jail due to Timmy’s mom (F23) and him having an argument. Timmy’s mom can only see him when she’s not busy. (Which to me is weird because that’s her son) meaning she sees him sometimes on the weekend sometimes every 2nd week.
Timmy’s legal guardian is my grandmother (F58). Timmy was supposed to go to distant relatives but Grandma insisted on taking care of him until my cousin gets out of jail.
Well for the past 3 months, I’ve been nonstop taking care of Timmy with no support from any family.
My grandmother receives payments for “caring for” Timmy but refuses to give me any of it and says she’s “saving it for college”. That means every diaper, formula, daycare, food anything is out of my pocket! At this point, I am sick of it and refuse to care for a baby that isn’t my responsibility.
I’ve asked multiple times for help or funds for Timmy as I can’t just keep paying for these things myself (I have a job hence why he’s in daycare but I am still paying off my student loans and have to pay for rent/ food etc.) So I told my grandmother and Timmy’s mom that if nobody helps me support this baby I will have him collected and re-homed to a foster family as grandma is neglectful.
Both think I’m a jerk and should just keep doing it as I’m “young” and have “nothing better to do”
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, although you’ve been doing the “right” thing by taking care of the child, at the end of the day that isn’t YOUR child.
On top of that you’re 18, I mean Jesus, I’ve only just turned 21 and it’s already hard trying to find our place in the world, what we want to do with our lives, who we want to be. By the sound of it, you’re quite a good person and it’s really unfortunate that you’re in a situation like this.
I hope you and that child find some kind of peace soon!” Spirited_Love_1635
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to reach out to his social worker and explain what’s going on. You’re barely an adult yourself, you shouldn’t be left with taking care of a baby with no support of any kind (and I wouldn’t be surprised if Timmy never sees a dollar of that money).
I would encourage you that if Timmy ends up in his foster care, you try to keep in contact with him and occasional visits. It’ll be good for him to have some access to family and someone who cares checking in once and a while.” 0biterdicta
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you’re better than most for helping the child. The world needs more people like you. It doesn’t need more people who are too engrossed in their own views like your gran. Contact CPS and show them all the receipts. Take notes of the time and care you’ve provided over the last few weeks.
Take notes of times that bio mother has visited. Be as detailed as your memory allows. Tell CPS you can sign any kind of sworn affidavit. Tell them your grandmother refuses to care for your cousin’s child. Likely the child will end up with the mother’s relatives as originally stated. Your gran may be looking at a fraud investigation.” W_O_M_B_A_T
21. AITJ For Not Financially Supporting My Partner While I Pay Off My Student Loans?
“My partner and I graduated college last year. We moved in with roommates and I got a pretty good job making 82k a year. I’ve been only spending $600 on rent and utilities and $300 on my car and gas and $200 on food and using everything else to pay off my student loans as fast as possible.
I have ~40k in student loans and I want it gone by the end of this year. My partner on the other hand didn’t find a job in his field so he is working a $14/h job. He also pays $600 in rent and utilities but he has a far more expensive car.
His BMW payments biweekly are $300 so he spends about $800 a month on his car. After everything he doesn’t have any savings and he lives paycheck to paycheck.
So basically he wants to go out to eat more and go bowling, movies, etc. Currently, neither of us can afford it but for me, it’s because I’m overpaying my student loans and he asked me repeatedly to reduce payments so I can pay for us to do things.
I don’t want to because I’m committed to paying off my student loans but he tells me it’s a stupid idea because of inflation and I should invest some and spend the rest. He got angry last week because his friends asked him to go out drinking and he had to end up putting the $200 on his credit card when I wouldn’t give him $200 to cover it.
He called me selfish for not helping him when I make more than him. AITJ for not giving my partner money?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is a fiscal idiot for leasing a car that he can’t afford. He doesn’t need a BMW – he just needs a car presumably that can take him where he needs to go.
You should NOT sacrifice your financial stability to subsidize his financial irresponsibility. Paying off your student loans as soon as possible is a really smart thing to do and you will then be able to start saving money. The sooner you save money the sooner you will 1) have retirement assets which will increase exponentially if you start as early as possible 2) have money for a down payment since a house is generally a good investment and 3) have emergency funds so you won’t need to rely on expensive credit cards.
Before you entangle yourself further with this partner you should seriously think about whether you want to partner yourself with someone who is such a spendthrift versus someone who shares the same economic values you do.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s your partner, even if he was your spouse I’d say the same.
Putting off fun now in order to live well later will open up so many doors for you. He probably doesn’t know the first thing about investing and with your time frame even if you invested the difference would be minimal at best. Having the strength to live the way you do and be financially responsible is wonderful.
Keep doing you and if he has a problem with it then dump him. If he’s going to get in the way of you living a freer future, he’s only going to hold you back later on.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“Um… last I checked it was YOUR money?
He’s not entitled to your money. If he wants more money he shouldn’t have gotten such an expensive car. That’s on him. I wouldn’t feel bad. You’re working hard to do something very important, I.e. paying off your student loans.
For some people, it takes their whole lives to pay it off. No one made him spend 200$ at the bar. You don’t have to go out often or at all and it seems like it’s only him that’s wanting to do these things.
And if he does he can find a second job to pay for it. It’s not your obligation. You’re not his ATM and you’re not his mommy. He has no right to get mad at you for not giving him your hard-earned money.
Girl you are NTJ. But you are going out with one.” Any_Struggle2645
20. AITJ For Wanting To Stop Helping My Sister After Being Told Not To Act Like Her Mom?
“I (25F) and my sister (16F) both still live at home with our mom (48F). I have always been the first one to help out if something goes wrong.
Clean up the mess if someone spills something, put away toys if my sister falls asleep before picking them up, wash everyone’s laundry, etc. When I got a job at 16, I started paying for all the “fun” stuff, like going out to eat and going to the movies.
I couldn’t work much because I had to babysit (deadbeat dad, no child support for me or my sis, so my mom worked two jobs) so I could only help with stuff like my phone bill. I also had to drop all of my clubs and stuff, and so did my sister because even if I paid for it, we had no way to get there.
Anyways, my mom would say things like I was like my sister’s second mom, making jokes I was practicing for my kids on her, etc. I kind of joked about it because, in a lot of ways, I was. I got her from school or the bus stop, made her snacks, helped her with her homework, and made dinner most of the time.
My mom was a great parent, but she was busy.
Fast forward to now, my mom has an amazing job with amazing hours, so she’s around more than ever, and overall, I love it, but now if I so much as ask my sister to put her dog out or remind her to start the dishwasher, I get yelled at that I’m not her mom and not to treat her like my kid, by both of them.
Yet, if something isn’t done, I get blamed because I’m the adult. My sister still expects me to cook on nights my mom doesn’t get home until dinner time, help her with her homework, help her with chores, whatever, and my mom does too.
If I can’t even remind her to do basic stuff, why should I keep helping her?
I’m not her parent, and if she doesn’t want me to act like one, then I won’t, in ANY capacity. WIBTJ if I said that?”
Another User Comments:
“You need to get out of that house ASAP. Blaming you for your sister not doing stuff while simultaneously telling you not to remind her to do stuff is just nonsense.
Your mother takes you for granted and so does your sister. You need to get out on your own and let them sort out their own stuff without you needing to be Cinderella. As for stopping helping, it’s going to cause a lot of yelling and blaming you, so if you go that route, be prepared to weather one major storm.
Generally speaking, when someone sets boundaries and sticks to them, people who are used to taking advantage will have major tantrums. NTJ, but start planning your escape.” Jane_the_Quene
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Find a job that prevents you from being present at times of homework or cooking dinner.
Or just go study at the library. Have a real hobby or charity to get involved… Get a life. You were stolen a lot of teenage fun because of a lack of money and family duties. (parentification) Remind your mom what you were doing at 16.
If you are nice, you can list the home chores on a paper where both your sis and you fill the to-dos. You need that to be concerted with your mom so that the responsibilities are shared proportionately and socially approved, then you let your sis show that she does not do her share.
This is when you could remind everyone what you were doing at 16. Move out as soon as you are provoked and see the opportunities.” Sunsess38
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Frankly, if I were you, I’d suddenly find a hobby that kept me out of the house from 4 pm to 11 pm.
I’d take a part-time job during those hours just for the fun of it and bank the money. If mom complained, I’d tell her “sis is 16. Old enough to watch herself and old enough to make herself some Ramen or a sandwich if she’s hungry.
I’m not her mother you are. It’s not my responsibility. I’m working towards a goal, it’s personal and none of your business. So, figure it out because I plan on moving out in a couple of months once I have that money saved up.” But I’m petty like that.
As my wife is fond of saying, don’t set yourself on fire to keep them warm.” DetectiveResident391
19. AITJ For Letting Our Twins Nap In Our Bed Against My Husband's Wishes?
“I (f29) am a SAHM to our 2-year-old twin girls and am currently 5 months pregnant with our 3rd and last. Once during the early stages of my pregnancy when I had awful morning sickness, the girls and I fell asleep and ended up taking a nap together in our room.
The girls take a nap every day and so combined with me being exhausted every day, we ended up in the pattern of taking a nap every day together.
Last week, my husband came home earlier than expected and found us asleep in our room.
I initially thought that he found it cute, but later that day he told me that the girls had to nap in their own room. He said he didn’t want me installing a bad habit of them sleeping in our bed, and that they’d want to sleep with us at night as well.
I disagreed obviously. We’ve been napping like this for over 3 months and the girls haven’t changed their sleeping habits. They sleep through the night and have never asked/tried to sleep in our room at night.
This is where I’m conflicted because I told him I wouldn’t stop.
I love these naps since a) I’m always tired and b) getting this time together with my girls before the baby is born. AITJ for still letting our kids nap in our room?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, I can see his ‘concern’ in the sense that, as new parents, you read up on things, especially on the internet, and you get hammered with “HORRIBLE HABITS THAT WILL RUIN YOUR CHILD’S DEVELOPMENT AND MAKE THEM AUTISTIC: #1.
NAPPING IN THEIR PARENTS’ BED!!!!!!” and things like this make a lot of new parents anxious. I can tell you this from first-hand experience. A healthy conversation is probably in order here. Or just a talk with a parenting coach.” Agent_Onions
Another User Comments:
“I did this too with my oldest child while I was pregnant with the third. I loved to cuddle with her, she loved it and she never had problems with sleeping in her own bed. Right before her third birthday, she started to refuse to take naps.
So I didn’t have a problem when the baby was born (only had the problem of a tired toddler that refuses to sleep while very pregnant…. the joys). So now, this is some nice bonding time everybody enjoys. It’s probably even easier for you because you don’t have to walk up and down to their rooms if there is something going on.” haasje83
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this is something you do for the physical and emotional health of both yourself and your kids. He’s generally not even home when you do this. You said earlier that the girls sleep in their own room on the weekends, so that isn’t an issue.
As far as what happens after the baby is born, you can continue to nap together. That can actually help the girls to feel connected to both you and the baby. We’re primates. Curling up with your kids so everyone gets some sleep is a perfectly reasonable way to handle things.
Being super pregnant, with two young kids, is hard and exhausting. I think it’s pretty inappropriate for you to be getting criticism for finding a way to get everyone the rest and connection they need.” PolyGenta
18. AITJ For Not Allowing My Roommate To Rent Their Room On Airbnb?
“I am the leaseholder and live with 4 other people. One of my roommates revealed that they were planning to start renting their room out as an Airbnb, and I shut the idea down. Without having run it by anyone else, they would be letting (vetted/approved through the app?) strangers into our home overnight.
And while they insist that the “guest” would only be allowed in their bedroom, you have to go through the common space to get there, or to the kitchen and bathroom. They insist that they’d be around to keep an eye on the person and the person and they wouldn’t be allowed to hang out outside of the room, and that the person wouldn’t likely be around that much to begin with, if they were visiting the city and had things to do.
I don’t think you could reasonably refuse them access to the kitchen directly beside their room, and the bathroom is on another floor next to other bedrooms.
My roommate is upset that I’ve robbed them of this potential source of income, but I’m certain the others would be even more uncomfortable with it than I am.
It’s an apartment full of girls and we have lots of valuable decorations and stuff around, besides just.. enjoying the comfort and privacy of our own home. Airbnb’er compares having these people “visit” to when other roommates have friends or family stay over on the couch unexpectedly, sometimes for days at a time.
That doesn’t happen at all for most of the year, and maybe once or twice a month during summer/spring, but the fact that it’s inconvenient to begin with doesn’t really inspire confidence that this Airbnb thing would be no big deal.
Am I the jerk?
Is there maybe legally technically no way I should be able to veto this? Surely this is just common sense though?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If they’re renting out their room, but they’ll be “around” to keep an eye on the “guest”… where will the roommate who’s renting out the bedroom be staying, exactly?
I’m guessing they’ll be on the couch, which means they’ll be monopolizing a common area. Are they planning on sharing the income they get from renting out their room? After all, everyone who lives in the apartment is sharing the risk (of letting a random person in your home) and losing access to a common area for a spell – seems unfair that only one person gets paid in that scenario.
And that’s just one squabble that can result from something like this. Check your renter’s insurance and lease agreements – a lot of them have clauses about Airbnb and similar programs. Letting one roommate Air B&B their room might void your entire policy in some cases.” toxicredox
Another User Comments:
“Many leases have clauses forbidding subletting. In more recent times, it’s common to add a clause also forbidding temporary rentals/sub-rentals, such as Airbnb and VRBO. Read through your master lease and find the relevant language. If you can point out that this will jeopardize your entire apartment lease, that should be sufficient reason to put your foot down.
Definitely also discuss it with the other three roommates. If the four of you present a united front, that will be even more discouragement to this roommate. While you’re re-reading the master lease, check the language on what it takes/how you can end the lease of one of the other co-tenants.
NTJ.” Bargle-Nawdle-Zouss
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please people don’t do that. I used to live with 3 roommates almost 10 years ago. We were in a tiny apartment with only 2 rooms. One I shared with my friend and in the other one there were two girls we didn’t know that were also friends.
We lived abroad and the two girls decided they were going back to our original country for several weeks and wanted to rent their room in the meantime. That coincided with our vacation too so we wouldn’t be here for most of the stay of the stranger.
Regardless, we told them the only way we would accept that was if they rented the room to women only. They assured us they were gonna do that but then they didn’t talk about it at all so we thought they gave up on the idea.
So, I go back to my country along with my friend so that we can see our family that we haven’t seen in a few months now. I stayed maybe a week. My friend was supposed to come back at the same time as me but had some paperwork issues so she stayed behind.
I had to come back cause my work was waiting for me. Well, the first day I came back I went to take a shower (mind you our bathroom’s door was broken so we couldn’t lock it) and when I was done I go out of the bathroom and there’s a man in the living room chilling.
I’M ALONE at home I panicked I thought how the heck is he there ?? Is that a burglar? 100 scenarios played in my mind in a few seconds and they all ended badly for me.
So, I ask him who are you? He says I’m renting this room (and point to my roommate’s room).
I WAS FUMING. I tried to call my roommates they wouldn’t reply then I sent them a text message one of them replied and said “ooh that’s the guy who rented the room. We told you guys we’d be renting our room while we’re not here”.
I told her we specifically said we’d only accept women and that I’m now ALONE with a complete stranger, a man twice my height and my weight. I barricaded myself in my room that didn’t lock so I had to push my dresser in front of the door to feel somewhat safe.
I didn’t sleep that night. Luckily my friend came back the next day and it turned out that the guy was extremely nice and respectful but even he said “when I first saw you I was completely shocked to see a woman here alone.
That’s soooo dangerous you need to tell your roommate to never do that again.” It was almost 10 years ago and I still remember the fear I had all night long. So please don’t do that.” Southern_Prize_6118
17. AITJ For Wanting My Adult Daughter To Be Less Lazy And Independent?
“I love my daughter but at the age of 41, she is so lazy it’s unbelievable.
Some examples are: She has a delivery job which is nice but when she finishes I ask her to run into the store. She answers, “No, I don’t feel like walking.”
When we get home I make her food. She takes the food into the room and eats.
When she comes down for a smoke, I ask her to bring her plate down. Then she says, “I forgot,” she goes back upstairs. Then later she comes back downstairs for another smoke with no plate.
I ask her to clean the toilets; it takes her three months to do it.
She only drinks Tim Horton’s coffee. Every Sunday and Monday when I’m off, she wakes me up to get HER a coffee. I’m 72 and do everything for her. I don’t think it’s ridiculous for me to tell her to get her own coffee and stop being lazy.
WIBTJ if I said this?”
Another User Comments:
“Ask her gently how she’s going to manage when you’re not around. She needs to be able to function alone, and have some friends and family she can be around. If she is very forgetful or finds it hard to do basic stuff for herself, maybe she needs to be evaluated and see if she needs help to learn how to manage herself.” Rohini_rambles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s a grown-up. Tell her to act like one. First of all, STOP getting her the coffee. Second, tell her that there will be no more meals made for her if she doesn’t bring her plate down after she eats.
Stop reminding her. Say nothing. If the plate isn’t there next time you come to start cooking a meal, cook for yourself and not her. And draw up a rota for household chores. You shouldn’t be spending your 70s looking after a 41-year-old teenager.” chez2202
Another User Comments:
“I haven’t lived with my mom since I was 13. I don’t think my mom did my laundry, bought anything but Ramen and frozen meals, or went to a parent-teacher conference/looked at a report card past the age of 10 (generous estimation).
I cannot even fathom this kind of relationship with my mother. I have to say though, as much as her abandonment sucked, I’m also glad I am not codependent on her. I think you sort of owe it to her to foster some independence, you aren’t gonna be there to baby her forever.
You have to eventually be the kind of parent that instills confidence in her AND yourself that you’ve raised a capable adult. NTJ but you would be the jerk if you allow it to continue.” BabyLouTat2
16. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Addict Mother Anymore?
“My mother is on all sorts of substances. She’s been using since I was in middle school where I had to grow up fast and take care of three siblings in a roach-infested trailer while she partied. I moved out of the house when I was 17 (26 now) and multiple times I’ve brought her down to get her clean.
Each time she would move back up with her substance dealer partner. Note we live almost 700 miles away from each other. I gave up after the fourth time. Safe to say I don’t really have a real relationship with her.
My sister and my uncle who lives in the same town as my mother have called and all but said they want me to take her to NY as my husband and our child (she’s never met either) and I are going there for his master’s degree to get her out of her situation.
Her partner died and hopefully, this could be a new start. I honestly considered it for a little bit until I got a call that she was in jail today for multiple felonies (unsure what they are, police won’t tell me) and for fighting the police.
She’s being held on a $25,000 bond. They asked me if I was going to bail her out, hinting again for me to take her.
I absolutely refused then. I’m not putting my husband and child through what I went through growing up. On top of that, I couldn’t even bail her out as I’m not in the same state and I’m not having the responsibility of making sure she’ll go to court.
And of course, I get the guilt trip that they don’t have the money to help her, as if I do. The guilt is laying on me now after hours of talking to them, but I feel like I’m making the right decision for my family.
AITJ for not wanting to help my mother anymore at all?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if your mother was in the right place, mentally, to want help to get clean, you are not the person to provide it. Not only are you her child who suffered greatly due to her addiction, but you simply are not equipped with the expertise and facilities necessary to truly treat addiction.
So please don’t feel guilty. If you were to take her in, you would most likely just be a stop gap to the next partner. I would cut your family members off until they learn to respect your boundaries. I wish you and your family the best, as well as your mother.
Addiction is a truly terrible disease.” AdministrationThis77
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have to choose YOUR family now. Your husband and child are innocent (as are you) and have NO responsibility to fix any of this. Please protect them. Coming from a recovered addict/heavy drinker I implore you to let your mom face her consequences for once in her life, please.
I never would’ve gotten clean if my family hadn’t told me to get lost and stay away if I was using. I had no reason to get clean until then. The thing is your mom may not get clean either way. That cannot be your responsibility though.
You have a responsibility to your husband and your kid and yourself. Your mom has to be responsible for herself. All you can do is hope and pray that she gets it one day but you can no longer take that on for her. I’m so sorry and good luck, I really hope that it works out for her but more than that I hope that you and your family have a beautiful healthy wonderful future.” Jovon35
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I believe addiction is bad luck in the genetic lottery plus risk factors and a bad decision of opening the door – I don’t blame the addicts (in that what they go through and what they put others through is asymmetrical to the seriousness of their original crime and not everyone experiences the same consequences based only on genetic luck of how badly whatever substances mess up their pleasure centers and overrides decision making) but the appropriate place for an addict to get clean is not in the same place as your child.
It is in treatment. Period. She can engage with treatments and exit into supportive living settings in most states. It’s up to her. Imho your only responsibility at most (and I mean only if you want it to be) is to make a conference call to her state’s Medicaid substance abuse line to help her make arrangements to enter treatment.
And even that is only your responsibility if you have the time, energy, and inclination.” bawbness
15. AITJ For Refusing To Fund My Sister's Wedding While Her Fiancé Plans Expensive Trips?
“My sister is getting married next spring, both she and her fiancé have full-time great paying jobs.
He works as an engineer, and she is a surgical nurse.
My stepmom passed away recently and has sent my dad into a downward spiral causing him to back out of paying for my sister’s wedding. My sister has asked me (her maid of honor) if I can help pay half for things like her honeymoon, their venue, their cake, and gifts for both bridesmaids and groomsmen.
I do not make as much money as they both do. Not even as much as one of them does. But I said yes because she was very upset.
I wouldn’t have said yes had I known her fiancé was still expecting out-of-town trips for his birthday and their “annual summer vacation” to be somewhere extravagant and out of the country.
I explained to her that I thought it wasn’t fair that he expected these expensive trips when she could barely afford her wedding and that I as her sister is footing the bill. She was extremely mad that I said that and I was made to be the bad person because how could I “make him miss out on his birthday”.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your father backed out of paying for the wedding why doesn’t your sister scale back to a wedding she and fiancé can afford to pay for? It doesn’t make sense for your sister to ask you to pay while the fiancé is spending big bucks on trips not related to the wedding.
Is he pitching in money towards the wedding? It sounds like they need to change plans to have the wedding they can afford/or are willing to pay for.” Overall-Hour-5809
Another User Comments:
“Nope. NTJ. Her wedding. Her expense. If they cannot afford the wedding of their dreams because your Dad is no longer willing to pay they have 3 choices: 1.
Cancel and elope. 2. Scale down their wedding and reception to a price point they can afford. 3. Pay for their dream wedding themselves. As you can see I did not include an option for you to help pay. If they have the money to travel and live extravagantly they can pay for their wedding.
Tell them NO.” stinstin555
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but a super difficult situation. Can you sit them down and talk to them about your concerns? Try to be super calm reasonable and loving. explain that she is important to you and you appreciate them but you simply cannot do all that.
Also was it a spur-of-the-moment, sibling-love decision to pay for half the wedding, cause that already seems a bit weird. Why would you have to do that instead of your father or the couple given the circumstances? Try to communicate as openly and much as possible I think it is the only solution.” ilovekittenssss
14. AITJ For Leaving My Aunt's House Due To Her Ignoring My Migraine Condition?
“I (20s F) suffer from chronic headaches and migraines. I’m getting treatment, and doing the best I can, but it has been especially bad the past few months.
My family on my mum’s side lives in England.
My parents and I live in Australia. My mum is very close to her parents and siblings, so normally her and I visit them every two or so years. We made it to England in June and are currently staying with them.
My mum is extremely close with her sister (60s F), so we’re staying with her and some other relatives.
Mum made my aunt aware of my health problems as best she could before we booked our trip.
Staying with her, in short, has been extremely stressful. She could be difficult to deal with sometimes, but unfortunately, now she is a lot worse. She micromanages almost everything my mum and I do.
I’ve been suffering badly from the migraines, and she will not stop telling me her opinions on what treatments I should try. It really upsets me to talk about my condition, and usually makes the pain worse. I’ve asked her several times to stop, but she continues insisting I ‘hear her opinion’.
She’s also been nitpicking with me about a million other small things around the house (asking me why I don’t keep my window open several times) and no matter what I explain, she doesn’t seem to listen, and gets annoyed with me.
Mum and I talked, and she also feels distressed by the constant nit-picking and criticism. I can tell it hurts her to be drifting apart from her sister.
Today I woke up with a migraine. I was pretty upset straight off the bat – they make the depression so much worse.
I came downstairs briefly, and as I was going up, my aunt asked me why my window wasn’t open. I told her the noise from outside would make it worse. She tried to argue that it would help my headache, and I snapped. I told her something to the effect of ‘leave me alone’, and stormed up to my room
We tried to talk it out this afternoon but it made things so much worse. She got very defensive, wouldn’t consider that she’s been stressing my mum and myself out, and was indignant that she has the right to offer her opinion and was ‘just trying to help.’
The stress of it all is making my migraine worse, so I decided to book a room at a local hotel and stay there for the night. Get some space and hopefully relax.
Mum and I are supposed to leave for London tomorrow. The plan was for my aunt to drive us up, but I will absolutely get a migraine in the car if I have to be around her for much longer.
These migraines are excruciating, and last for several days. Mum understands why I want to go by train, but is worried that if we go up without my aunt, it’ll cause a massive rift in their relationship (quite likely).
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re not responsible for other people’s relationships. Too often “keeping the peace” means you give up your own so the person who is acting the worst can do so without consequence and everyone else that isn’t the focus of their attacks gets to ignore it as well.
If your mom and her sister form a rift over this it will firmly be their fault, she’s ignored it so far she can continue to do so while you do what’s best for you and your health.” rocklandguy324
Another User Comments:
“As someone who has daily migraines NTJ.
I make it very clear to everyone in my life that I do not want their advice or suggestions regarding this. Pretty much everyone respects this and it’s not unreasonable. I’m sorry you went through that. I would have lost my crap being nagged like that.
You should definitely take the train and take care of yourself. You should not have to subject yourself to higher levels of pain/migraine triggers to appease your aunt. NTJ!” undiagnosedinsanity
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!! Migraines are horrendous!! You didn’t do anything wrong. Your aunt is a know-it-all and a bully!
Stay at the hotel, and take the train. While I understand your mom’s worries, they don’t come before you. When people stop bowing to bullies, the bully has no power. You’re strong for being able to function with a migraine.” RobinsRoads05
13. AITJ For Confronting My Mum About Her Anger After Losing My Brother?
“A year ago I lost my brother, it made my whole family feel horrible and lost and confused. I was the only person who kept in contact with my brother as he was not in a good state and in and out of jail.
My mum gave up trying to help him but he would always take money off my mum and dad, my dad kept trying but he eventually gave up. I was the only person trying to get him out of the state he was in. We were on holiday last week and my mum gets angry easily and she always blames it on the loss of her son.
My dad and I had to eat dinner alone and it was so awkward when we were in the room with my mum. When we are on holiday, my dad and I never took our anger out on anyone especially not my mum, and I get people deal with loss differently but we would never treat anyone like this.
I tried to talk to her but it was always turned against me and she would say “you don’t understand.” I finally confronted her about the way she was treating us and said that we are going through the same thing and I explained that I was the only one that was keeping in contact with him and tried and I failed to help him and that makes me feel so horrible inside but she never listened.
Am I the jerk?
I am a 15-year-old girl. Mum and dad are in their 40s.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Although you tried your best for your brother I do think it was unfair to accuse either of them of giving up on your brother.
What to you appears to be giving up could have been them choosing to stop enabling him. When everything else fails sometimes the only thing left to try is to let the person hit rock bottom and pray that will get them to get serious about turning themselves around.
Only then can they be helped. This is especially true for substance abusers. That does not mean they gave up. However, your mom needs therapy. Your parents still have other kids to raise and at this point, I think they could benefit from therapy.” katamino
Another User Comments:
“I’m so sorry that you lost your brother. I know that you’re hurting. Your parents are hurting too. Your mom’s anger is likely the result of the guilt that she feels because she didn’t do as much as she could to save him.
I lost my brother to the streets 13 years ago. I will never forget not trying harder to get him to change. I will always wish that he were here. I’m so sorry that your parents aren’t helping you. Is there maybe a school counselor or maybe reach out to a grief support group online?
No jerks here. I wish you well. I’m sending you big hugs from Texas. I’m available if you want to talk.” Maleficent-Ear3571
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Everyone here needs grief therapy. Your parents were done enabling your brother’s behavior – it was up to your brother to decide to change, not your parents or you.
It is no one’s fault that he’s dead, but survivor’s guilt and grief can make everyone internalize and throw blame, and that’s where therapy will be really useful. You had a very deep bond as a sibling. But a mother has carried her child inside her, cared for you before you were born, checked on you in your crib, worried about you at school, etc – she loved your brother in a different way than you, a parent isn’t supposed to bury a child and that grief can be profound.
I am so sorry for your loss and hope you all experience healing.” MissionRevolution306
12. AITJ For Banning My Son's Disrespectful Friend From Our House?
“My son (11) has a group of friends in the neighborhood and I don’t particularly enjoy one of them. He’s a little older and has a bunch of older brothers, so he often says things I find inappropriate for my 11-year-old, but I figure he’s gonna hear these things eventually at school, it’s part of growing up, whatever.
The kid has up to this point felt comfortable just walking into our house unannounced even if my son isn’t there, which I’m not stoked about, but was willing to let it go because my son likes this kid. He talks nonstop and is kind of annoying.
Again, willing to let it go for the sake of my son’s friendship.
But yesterday he walked into my house, opened the fridge, and started digging his bare hands into a homemade pie we were chilling. My wife caught him and chewed him out, he immediately lied and tried to say it was an accident.
I’m really not happy so I have them all go play outside. I went to my front window and opened it to realize the screen is broken. One of my son’s friends told me this kid did it trying to take the screen off our window from the outside.
I was already upset about the pie, now he’s breaking my stuff. I told him he’s not welcome here anymore and to leave.
I had to then leave for a bit and when I came back an hour later he was on my porch.
He said he’d pay for the window, I told him it’s not about the money, it’s about how he thinks he can come into our home and act disrespectfully. He then tried to double back and lie saying my wife was lying about the pie.
I started to get angry and used my grouchy dad voice (not yelling). I told him I knew he was lying, and he then tried to say he didn’t break the window. I told him he’s shown me exactly zero evidence he knew how to be honest and if he’s going to lie and be disrespectful he’s not allowed at my house anymore.
My wife thinks I’m lacking compassion and said he probably acts this way because he might have a hard home life. I replied “There’s only so much I can control in life. Being an adult I often have to do things I don’t want to or like.
But other people’s bad parenting is not my responsibility and I feel justified in not making it my problem.” She’s not stoked with me but she dropped it. For the record, I’m not even the first dad on the street to get after this kid.
I haven’t banned my son from playing with him because I don’t want the neighborhood kids to outcast him, I just told him they’re not allowed to play in our house anymore. He said he was embarrassed I got mad at his friend, but also he wasn’t mad at me because his friend shouldn’t come into our house and act that way.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds as though he has some bad examples. Talk this situation over with your son and ask him what he wants you to do. Does he want the kid banned forever, a year, a month? Your son is the best judge of this kid’s behavior.
He knows what the neighborhood kids get up to. The lad acting out is young. Maturity is an amazing thing. If at some point you “catch” the offending lad doing something kind or respectful, you can rescind the ban, but until then, it’s not a bad thing to hold him accountable.
It sounds as though few others do. If you don’t already have security cameras, you’ll probably want to install some. I recommend the Arlo system with solar panels. They do not require wiring changes to your house so they can be installed anywhere. This kid sounds like the type who might retaliate.
You are smart to teach your son that in your house you do not tolerate this kind of nonsense.” AngryWriterGrr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Although if you won’t let him in the house because of his behavior, I think you should stop your son from spending time with the child.
The friend is impulsive, breaks rules, and lies. You don’t want your child in a setting where there’s even less monitoring and oversight. If they still want to be friends, try very limited contact with lots of rules and supervision. The friend can come to your house, when invited, stay for two hours, and you and your wife check on the kids often.
If you’re close enough to the parents to let them know what you’ve observed it might help. The friend could likely use an assessment and some intervention.” YinzerChick70
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – he is acting completely out of line and needs to have some kind of consequence.
I do think you should have spoken to him about his behavior earlier, particularly entering your home without permission. If you never actually told him not to do that I can see why he thought it was okay. Some people do have an “open door policy” of sorts with close friends or family.
However, there’s no way he thought digging into a pie with his bare hands or trying to remove your window screen were in any way okay. He knew these things were wrong, that’s why he lied. I would not be surprised if his home life is difficult, and I do feel some empathy for him that he may be coming to your house to escape his own.
But he cannot be allowed to act like this, and it is not your responsibility to parent him. I think eventually if he approaches you or your wife with a GENUINE apology and fully admits to what he’s done, it might be worth allowing him back so long as he follows your rules.
Meaning no coming inside without knocking or asking, not taking food without permission, and generally not causing trouble or breaking things. If he does break any of those rules again I think you’d be smart to simply ban him for good.” Probswearingsweats
11. AITJ For Accidentally Spilling Water On My Downstairs Neighbors' Patio?
“I (21F) am living in an apartment complex. There are two floors, and I live in an upstairs apartment. The couple that lives below me is an older couple.
My husband and I have made efforts to be nice to them, going so far as to help them carry groceries in when they had particularly big loads.
We understand that not everybody is going to be compatible, but we do our best to make sure that we are being polite neighbors.
I have multiple flowers, vegetable plants, and herb plants out on our balcony. Each one of them is in a pot that has an overflowing pot beneath it for any extra water that may leak out.
The first time we heard the complaint, we also made active efforts to make sure that they weren’t overflowing. While I have not noticed any overflow, our neighbors keep complaining about us dumping water onto their patio every time it rains.
This led to today.
I was out watering my plants this morning like I do almost every morning. Our downstairs neighbor decided to come out and yell at me for being on the balcony. I had a mostly full watering can in my hand. This startled me, and I dropped the watering can and spilled almost a gallon and a half of water onto their patio.
I immediately ran inside to grab a towel and dry it up, but the majority of water already got on their patio.
I’m not sure if this is a valid thought or not, but I keep thinking that it’s odd that they’re complaining about water being outside.
They complain about water getting on their patio furniture, which has literally been designed so it could get wet. Not only that, but their furniture is completely plastic and if they really wanted to sit on it, they could dry it off.
My husband and I have seen them on their patio once in the entire year that we have lived here.
And that was on Halloween night to pass out candy.
For a little more context, they have been with this apartment complex for over 10 years. There has never been a person that lived above them that they didn’t complain about.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. News flash!
Water exists! Rain falls out of the sky! You’re being considerate and making sure no water overflows from plant and flower watering. It sounds like they just hate having upstairs neighbors and are blaming you for no real reason. Their furniture is designed to be outside.
Outside patios do get wet because as I say… rain. They’re being jerk neighbors. Maybe send them natural geography information about rainfall, condensation, and dew. They might need some help understanding how weather works.” wanesandwaves
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What exactly is their plan for keeping their patio furniture (which you mentioned already is designed for outdoor use) dry when it rains?
I could understand if you were tipping a lot of water down on them like a medieval peasant emptying their latrine bucket onto the street, but from the sounds of it, it’s just a little splash or overflow at worst. Solutions here are:
- You have a face-to-face discussion with the apartment complex owner and or the “offended” neighbors about how you need to water your plants and only a little bit of water may spill.
The complex owner likely agrees the neighbors are overreacting and would prefer you spill water outside as opposed to watering your plants indoors and potentially soaking the carpets/floors
- You give in to the neighbors, wanting to avoid the hassle and you take all your plants indoors to water them before returning them outside again.
- You politely advise the neighbors that if they’re concerned about their outdoor weather-proof furniture getting wet, they should probably purchase a tarp cover for it before it next rains, and thus keep their furniture dry and safe from your clearly malevolent plant watering/liquid assault on their property.” lordolxinator
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but …. Balcony gardening can be tricky for you for a few reasons you mentioned. Your neighbors are older and set in their ways. They are not used to tenants above them. You can’t water when they are away because they probably never leave.
Maybe you could give them a cheap rain gauge so they can make the connection between rain and their wet patio furniture. Have you tried putting your plants in double pots? Self-watering pots? Sink watering? Your neighbors are probably lonely and a bit unreasonable. You need to ask if waging a battle is worth it to you.
Consider that the neighbors may see this differently.
We had elderly neighbors who were highly critical of us. (Once I caught them putting trash that had blown in their yard on our back step because they were convinced it was ours.) When one passed away and the other went to a nursing home, the narrative was what wonderful neighbors we were.
What I saw as constant criticism and interference were teachable moments to them! When you open by stating the good deeds you do for the elderly neighbors, I wonder if you are using it as an example of your goodness or a reason why they should tolerate your behavior.
Also, be careful when justifying any accidental waterfalls by saying “it’s patio furniture” unless you would be open to telling you to choose plants that grow in dry soil. You each have a right to live your lives in a shared space. I get the sense that you are fine neighbors, but there are no bonus points for deeds unrelated to their neighborly requests.
Also, an apology for accidentally dumping the water might have gone a long way. I hope it gets better!” GladysKravitz21
10. AITJ For Being Upset With My Friend Overstepping Boundaries At My House?
“I have a friend who drove a long way to visit for a few days and help me with a party I was having. She loves doing handyman-type stuff, so she brought her tools with her. There were a few things I specifically said I did not want her to do.
She wanted to mount some hooks on my wall and hang my pots and pans on them. I said I didn’t want them hung up. I said this more than once. While I was getting ready for the party, she went ahead and drilled holes in my walls and did it anyway and said, “You can take them down later.” She also put up other stuff I said I didn’t want.
This is MY HOUSE!
Also, I made a Mexican Street Corn salad for the party that she felt would be better served hot. I said, “No, this is a cold dish and hot mayonnaise grosses me out.” The following day at my mom’s house we served the party leftovers and she heated up all the salad we had for the meal. So, of course, I didn’t get to eat any.
Then there’s my red wine which I also said several times (are we seeing a trend yet?) should be served at room temperature. Today I found my red wine in the fridge. She left in the wee hours of this morning without saying goodbye.
I told my mother I was feeling angry and disrespected and she replied with a text that said, “Please don’t complain to me…”
The aforementioned friend apparently won her over by doing odd jobs for her while I was resting after the party. My mother and her partner think I’m being ungrateful.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Regardless of any assistance she provided during the party, you can still be frustrated by her lack of respect for your boundaries in your own home. She did things how she wanted and ignored your preference, which is incredibly rude in a houseguest. I think she knew it, too, for if a friend left my house in the middle of the night without saying goodbye, it would read to me like slinking off before being read the riot act.” foul_female_frog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – definitely don’t allow her back. Send her a message about how disrespectful she was and how she crossed boundaries – in a home that’s not even hers no less – and that just because they were “friends” does not mean you have to tolerate such nonsense.
So she is no longer allowed over until she apologizes. If she refuses to do so or tries to blame you, cut her out. If your mom says anything just tell her “we both have a choice of who we want to be friends with.
I’ve made mine, and it’s not with her.” Then iterate that, once again, she’s not allowed into YOUR HOME until she apologizes and pays for the damages she did – not fix them herself, but pay to have them fixed.” Intelligent-Bite9660
Another User Comments:
“Such boundary stomping. Truly I’m not sure what I would do because I’d be so mad and frustrated and feeling so disrespected. I’d maybe try sitting down with her and firmly and clearly explaining the lines she has crossed after you already told her to not do these things.
It’s obviously a duh and you shouldn’t have to even have this conversation but if you want to save your friendship she needs to know what she did was over the line and not appropriate. If she doesn’t want to hear you out then I suppose you have your answer.
You don’t deserve to be disrespected in your OWN home. That’s definitely not a friendship. Good luck!” throwaway4201969
9. AITJ For Telling My Partner To Stop Using Race As An Excuse?
“I’m a white woman, 30 years old with a good job, my partner’s a 30 male who (this is probably jerk-ish to say) looks white but identifies as Indigenous, hasn’t had a job in 3 years but is a full-time student.
Throughout our brief 5 month relationship, he’s constantly said “I hate white people”, “I hate rich people”, “you’re a privileged white woman”, “you white people are taking mob land”, “you have white privilege you don’t know anything about black fella issues”, “you come from a rich family you don’t know what it’s like to struggle”.
I’ve always brushed it off or said “if you hate white people why are you with me?” which usually gets ignored and he just rants on about rich/white privilege.
So tonight, he came to my place for a Netflix and Chill. I spend about $100 on dinner and drinks for us.
I pay for all our food on dates. We’re watching a movie and he starts on his “I hate rich white people rants”.
I paused the movie, turned to him (he said I yelled at him), and said “I’m so sick of you being so negative all the time.
I’m tired of hearing about how you hate rich white people when you’re a white man.”
We had a few back-and-forth comments. He had a bad childhood, has PTSD, has no money, and has too many bills. I said I’ve had to work hard to get where I am and I’m sick of being told it’s because of how I look, when he looks as though he comes from the least oppressed group in the world and stop playing the race card.
Then he said he was done, he grabbed his stuff and left my house.
So AITJ for telling my now ex-partner, to stop using race as an excuse when he looks white?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone Sucks Here. This whole relationship sounds tiring. I don’t think you’re the jerk for putting your foot down and telling him that you’re tired of hearing his ranting, especially since it seems like he attacks you for no real reason during the rants.
I’m white, my wife is black. There are productive and respectful ways to have conversations/vent about racial privilege that don’t involve attacking your partner for no reason. You shouldn’t have to put up with constant verbal harassment, and he needs to learn how to vent his frustrations in a way that doesn’t affect his partner.
You suck as well though. You said he’s Indigenous, and in a question asking why you said he identifies as Indigenous you didn’t answer so I’m going to assume he is actually. White passing does not mean he is white. For many racial minorities, there is a lot of trauma mixed into people who are white-passing, especially considering many women of color have been exploited by white men, which leads to a mixing of genetics.
I’ve met people who ended up white passing because they got the genetics of a great-something grandparent who was white. For many people who are white-passing, there is also trauma, often from comments like yours, where their connection to their culture is questioned because they pass as white.” hel-be-praised
Another User Comments:
“He sounds so draining to be around, I don’t care when people make jokes about white people, I couldn’t care less, they’re jokes and people normally have the common sense to realize how dumb it would be if the stuff being said was actually true.
But there’s a time and a place for jokes, you say them too much or in the wrong places it just gets obnoxious. He’s well past that stage, he needs to get his stuff together or you need to dump him, it’s only gonna get more insufferable, good luck!” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Ugh. My old boss was like that. She was always banging on about keeping the brown man down. Instead of owning that she’s a little left-of-center quirky and that many people don’t understand her humor or get her jokes, etc her immediate default was always to blame it on “being brown” (her words not mine).
Zero self awareness and it got hard to be around her. I’m not saying she is wrong and that she doesn’t face discrimination but the times that I would be around her, it was 100% her just being a jerk or quirky and not connecting with people.
It was so awkward and draining. Sometimes I felt like she was intentionally trying to bait people so she could cry woe is me. It was exhausting. She’s married to a white guy. He’s always apologizing on her behalf. NTJ.” [deleted]
8. AITJ For Telling My Friend To Give Up His Seat For A Pregnant Woman?
“I don’t know if people know this but in certain countries on the bus and trains they have things called “pregnancy seats”.
This is a seat SPECIAL for pregnant people!
Well, my friend didn’t know this and when I sat down in a regular seat the row was full, and at the end was a pregnancy seat.
So he sits there and starts talking, I didn’t pay attention to where he was sitting until a very obviously pregnant woman came up.
She was waiting for my friend to get up after a while. She politely asked for him to move because she was pregnant and needed the seat showing her “I’m a mom” badge. My friend raised a brow and laughed telling her that just because she was pregnant doesn’t mean she needed special service.
At this point, I notice the seat and I explain what a pregnancy seat is and that he has to move.
He said no and I said, “please move you’re being disrespectful.”
I got tired of his nonsense and gave her my seat which she highly appreciated since she looked really pregnant.
This made him more upset and when we got off the bus he said that I was “not being fair to him since he’s human too” and that this country is “full of nonsense and that men have rights too” and he called me every name in the book for not taking his side and telling her to leave and he called me a jerk.
So, am I the jerk for telling my friend to move for a pregnant lady?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not a ‘special service’. Pregnancy seats don’t exist as a special reward for people who are pregnant, they exist because pregnancy can genuinely mess up your ability to stand for long periods of time, and it’s a better bus journey for everyone if nobody collapses in the aisle at the end of it.
Also, while it might be different in your country OP, where I live these kinds of seats are typically also set aside for the elderly and physically disabled — basically anyone who can’t stand for too long — so men can use them. Also, even if the seats are just for pregnancy, where the heck does this guy get off insulting your whole country over it?
Genuinely, why are you friends with this jerk? And he’s also an established woman hater? Why are you hanging out with him?” Cheeseanonioncrisps
Another User Comments:
“He’s acting like everyone thinks Americans act (and too many of us do). Those of us with brains/decency/etc. really hate it.
I guess I apologize on behalf of this country for the disgusting people that come from it? It’s not a woman vs. man special treatment thing. He is not disabled or ill. She was very pregnant, and that puts extra strain on the body. It’s common decency, just like if a 90-year-old man asked for his seat, and he couldn’t be bothered to display any.
I’m glad you offered her your seat instead. NTJ.” MadamMarshmallows
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Different districts have different customs. Not respecting other cultures shows what kind of person your friend is, just as how you behave towards others shows the type of person you are.
You respected a local custom. You expressed empathy for someone in a vulnerable position. You had the courage to speak up for the right thing, even when that meant facing someone you consider a peer. Only you can prioritize your core values and choose those who will be supportive of your choices.
While your friend may feel like you didn’t support what he felt was important to him, you didn’t make him move from the seat he was occupying but instead gave up your seat which is beyond a compromise. The hurt feelings are something your friend will have to reflect on for himself.” Siku_Ikkuma
7. AITJ For Buying A Car Without Consulting My Partner?
“I have been without a car for the past year because it was totaled by an intoxicated driver who crashed into parked cars. It has been extremely stressful and challenging for me without a vehicle. My car was completely paid off and I enjoyed driving it.
I have been dealing with this person in a legal case which hasn’t been easy.
Recently, I have needed to rent transportation to get to doctor’s appointments and an out-of-town big family event. My partner is typically willing to help out where I need rides, but he is very busy with his work and can’t always help and the need to get places has been pretty demanding.
My rental fees were adding up quickly, and I had been researching cars for months. One of my best friends works in insurance and has contacts at car dealerships. She pointed me to a couple of salesmen, and I found a great deal on a car I really liked. The current market is insane and it is hard to get a car, but the numbers were right for me – so I made a purchase on a used car I really like within my budget.
When I told my partner, he was very upset with me — and instead of a positive reaction, he criticized me for buying a car without consulting him. He told me that I overspent and should have bought something for half of the price because he makes way more money than me and his car costs less than mine, therefore I am impractical. I did not give him a chance to help.
We do not share finances, are not married, and do not live together. He said that since he had helped me out financially before when I was in a tough spot, that he deserves a say in this big purchase, not my friend with the dealership contacts.
I have never asked for financial help, and if I knew it would be thrown in my face later, I would have never accepted it in the past. I am in a better place now financially, so I am well within my means with this purchase and it will increase my quality of life tenfold.
I asked him why he doesn’t believe I need to be consulted when he bought HIS car, as this should be a 2-way street, and he said it is because it doesn’t affect me. If his car ever had trouble or broke down, he has plenty of money to fix it without my help.
Therefore it is not the same. He says he only cares and wants to see me succeed but it doesn’t seem like it.
I simply wanted a, “hey you finally got a car! That is awesome!” – but surprisingly got THIS reaction. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t share finances, you don’t live together and you’re not married. Him choosing to help you out financially in the past does not mean he should get a say in your big purchases. Your finances do not impact him or his.
He seems more like someone who wants to control you and your financial decisions to me, personally. And, guess what? You’re allowed to be as practical or impractical as you want, regardless of what he thinks. As long as you can afford what you’ve got, that’s all that matters.
I would draw some boundaries here and tell him straight that you’re capable of making your own financial decisions. That if you were financially tied you would consult with him, but that you’re not and that’s not necessary. If he responds badly to that, he’s saying a lot.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The way he defends himself by saying it affects him so he gets to be part of your financial decisions comes off a whole lot like him being upset because you didn’t ask his opinion for a more professional opinion than your friend working in this business could ever have or you, for that matter.
If you had asked him I bet he’d have been happy to mansplain to you why your choice is bad and for good measure marked his territory so your friend knows their place and keep a distance from you in the future. Maybe I’m totally off the rocker, I don’t know.
But even if he really really really only has financial concerns, he still massively overstepped and misbehaved.” MSAutarkia
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ, but are you financially literate? I only ask because this reminds me of when my partner wanted to go back to school and took out a loan larger than he needed because he also wanted to pay off his credit card.
He was proud of himself that he did it by himself and was excited to share with me what he did. Lo and behold, it was a horrible idea and he would’ve been financially screwed with this loan because of the interest rate. I told him this and thank goodness he was able to undo it.
He’s grateful for me catching it, even though he was embarrassed that he didn’t understand what he signed. We didn’t share finances, but I also cared about his financial well-being since I planned to have a future with him and shared bills already at the time.
I hated bursting his bubble, but it helped in the long run as that was nearly 4 years ago. Your partner’s reaction may have not been the best, and he’s a jerk for it. Also, his explanations for the other questions and throwing previous financial assistance at you are trash, he said the wrong things.
It’s also possible he was upset that he could’ve helped you make a better financial choice and save you money in the long run. I could be absolutely wrong, that’s just my perspective from what I read. Either way, congrats on the car!” bringmethemashup
6. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Pay More Rent For A Bigger Room?
“My partner and I found a 3-bedroom apartment together. One room, which is the smallest is for my daughter from a previous relationship and the other two are our bedrooms. When we were looking together I was under the impression we’d share a room but we talked and decided it’d be healthy to have our own spaces but we will sleep together at night unless one of us doesn’t feel up to it.
My partner decided he wanted the biggest room and I told him that’s okay but it’s double the size of my room and looking at the measurements I can’t fit all of my belongings there so I left some things in my parents’ garage until I figure out what to do with it.
I suggested he pay more for rent. I calculated the cost of the apartment per sq footage and calculated the cost of his room compared to mine and asked him if he’d be willing to pay the difference before we sign this lease.
He said no, because we decided it would be 50/50, and both agreed to our own rooms. I told him I would be fine with 50/50 if we shared the room but we aren’t and he is getting considerably more space than I am.
He then states that my daughter gets a room and that should make things equal, but we already discussed prior to finding the apartment that the space wasn’t going to be used by us and she will only be there half of the week, and that I would just be responsible for groceries instead of paying extra
He said he’s changed his mind and refuses to cut me slack since I won’t cut him any and now I’m regretting even saying anything.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. You have two rooms (you and your daughter) and he has one.
It doesn’t matter how often she’s there, she’s still claiming that space. But this seems petty from both of you. Not sharing the bedroom sounds like you two aren’t really ready to commit to living as a family. To be honest, if this is how nitpicky you two are going to be over rent, I think you aren’t ready to move in together.
If you do still end up doing it, get whatever agreement you both decide on in writing with signatures. Chances are you are going to have a bad time otherwise.” positivefeelings1234
Another User Comments:
“Why don’t you both share the bigger bedroom, and turn the third room into a man cave/entertainment space (that everyone can use) but have a pullout couch so he can sleep there if he needs space?
And continue the 50/50 split. Also, it’s weird that he needs space…. Healthy relationships don’t really work like that. Why does he need the extra space? Do you guys live/work/eat/shower everything together so he feels suffocated or something? It just doesn’t make sense to me.
Everyone’s a jerk here. He’s being bizarre, but you are also being petty. And neither of you is using good communication/problem-solving skills. You guys need to find a way to compromise (I think my suggestion above is a good one?)” Sounds_Gay_Im_In_93
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I think bills should be paid based on income. It’s great if you both make enough to split 50/50 which is ideal in my opinion. But if one of you makes significantly more or the place is more expensive than you can afford I would have negotiated ahead of time that they pay more.
My SO agreed to do that with our new place since it’s more than I can afford and she makes much more than me. Ultimately I think asking him to pay more since he will have a bigger room that you will often share anyway is unreasonable.
In the context of who takes up the most space, even if he has more square feet, you and your daughter have two whole rooms while he has one. If you agreed to a 50/50 split changing the rules for something so trivial is unreasonable.” PizzaTacoCat312
5. AITJ For Keeping My Cat Away From My Mom's Personal Support Worker?
“My cat is one of the sweetest cats I’ve come across. He loves people and gets super excited when anyone comes over.
My mom, due to her mobility issues, has a PSW (personal support worker) that helps her daily. She is great, we all treat each other like family.
I guess from seeing her frequently, my cat has taken a liking to her and walks by her, and on the very rare occasion will tap her.
Anyway, there have been countless times when the cat is minding his own business and walking by, and she yells at him “What are you doing here just go” and always brushes it off like a joke. It offends my cat because he can’t understand why doing something he always does is suddenly not allowed. I’ve spoken up a couple of times and said “He is allowed to go there, there’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing!” and she says “OMG relax it’s just a joke.”
The other day I overheard her telling my parents “I like joking around with the cat and yelling at the cat because Dylan is so sensitive to the cat’s well-being”. I was so angry I wanted to tell her off, but of course kept my cool because she goes above and beyond to provide exceptional service for my mom.
Now what I do is I carry him away from her and she’s noticed and said “You don’t have to keep him away from me, you know I’m just joking! You’re acting like a jerk over a simple joke.” Also, I think my cat doesn’t like her anymore, because I rarely to never see him go near her.
Honestly, I think what she did was dumb because it takes a lot for an animal to trust you, and her supposed “joking” made my cat dislike her.
AITJ for keeping the cat away from her and on occasion telling her off?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That worker is a bully and should be reported. She’s bullying you (assuming you are Dylan). That is not a joke. A joke is funny to everyone who hears it. That’s bullying but she doesn’t like being called out so excuses it by saying it’s a joke.
People bully other people the same way and make the same “it’s a joke” comment when something upsets someone. If it wasn’t bullying they would not continue to do it. Next, they will try to tell you that YOU are the problem because you are being too sensitive.
No. Call out that nonsense this person is a bully and it’s not even about the cat they are picking on you. Report them. Get mom a new worker.” exotics
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I would try to always have the cat and myself be in another room when she is present.
Yelling at a part of your family solely because she thinks it is funny to upset you is bullying and should not be tolerated. I find it hard to understand how she can be so good to everyone else except you and your cat.
“Stop taking it so seriously why are you sensitive learn to take a joke.” Perhaps tell her “Jokes are funny and make everyone laugh.
Nobody is laughing and we have asked you repeatedly to stop. I don’t understand why you think being mean to an animal and hurting my feelings is funny.”” latents
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I threaten my cats as a joke all the time, but when my roommate started to do it in anger I told them to knock that nonsense off.
They didn’t understand why I was upset “because I do it” and I’m like “they’re my cats and you’re yelling”. Plus her admission that it’s because you’re sensitive, that’s just bullying and super unprofessional for a medical worker. “You’re here representing your company, how would your boss feel if they heard you’re harassing a client’s kid?” Should make her think long and hard about her next action.” Plasticity93
4. AITJ For Insisting My Friend Refer To Me As Dr. Instead Of Ms.?
“I (36f) am a medical doctor.
I’ve been friends with “Ben” (37m) for 4 years.
Today we were having a conversation about my boss who is a doctor. I referred to him as “Dr. Samuels”. Ben wanted to know why I didn’t call my boss Mr. Samuels and I replied along the lines of wanting to respect his title.
Ben then responded by asking me if I wasn’t a “Ms.” I said technically I am but my title is Dr. He kept insisting that I respond to his yes or no question (he tends to get annoyed if he isn’t given a direct yes or no to his yes or no questions).
At this point I got angry and basically blew up at him saying no I’m not a Ms. My title is Dr. and I should be referred to as that.
He then wanted to know why I was getting angry. It made me wonder if I was in the wrong for getting upset.
As an aside, I do not expect my friends or family to call me Dr. In fact I can get embarrassed by it outside of work.”
Another User Comments:
“No offense, but YTJ simply because outside of a work setting it’s simply a status ploy.
On the job, it matters because it calls attention to your rank and therefore your skillset. Out in the world though, you’re just a Ms, Mr, or Mrs like everyone else. Realize that someone referring to you as such is already being polite and respectful as is.
Some people don’t bother putting any type of polite title on people’s names to begin with. Real jerk move if a waiter comes up to you and says “Would you like more water Ms?” And your response is “Actually, it’s Dr.”” NoTip3859
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Seriously, the way I’d try to explain it to him is something like “Dr is a professional title. So I’ll refer to Dr Samuels because I’m one professional talking about another. Calling him Mr. Samuels would be disrespectful in this context.” And yes this would be in a condescending tone, like I was talking to a child.
I know what you mean about the yes/no annoyance. I know someone exactly like that. The funny thing is if you give him the kind of answer he wants, yes or no, he always winds up asking you to elaborate on the answer. So the whole question and answer thing takes longer than if he just listened to the answer you wanted to give.” disruptionisbliss
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ben took this way too personally and too far. His insistence would annoy anyone. You could have asked, “In what situation?” You actually don’t have a yes-or-no answer to this non/-yes-or-no question. If he’s a friend, he can call you by your first name.
So he doesn’t need to use either “Dr.” or “Ms.” If he doesn’t understand why you were getting angry (as others have said, perhaps neurodivergent?), you can explain that you worked for the title Dr. and it shows respect (as you showed your colleague), and it’s far too common for women to be denied this respect.
So even if he didn’t mean it, he was sounding a lot like a misogynistic jerk.” Tangerine_Bouquet
3. AITJ For Reporting My Manager After He Threw Away My Fidget Toy That Helps With My Autism And ADHD?
“WFH ended and I have autism and ADHD.
I found having those squishy fidget toys at a desk really helps me concentrate and problem-solve.
After two weeks back in the office my manager Kyle said no toys at our desk it’s not preschool. I asked HR and told them it helps with my disability and wasn’t hurting anyone.
They said it’s not even their policy so management really can’t ban these items in the office.
I have the pup in a cup out one day and Kyle rips it out of my hand puts it in his Starbucks coffee cup and throws it away.
I now go to his manager and back to HR and I get to WFH again to meet my needs and Kyle is suspended pending an investigation into a hostile work environment. Kyle is about 3 years away from retirement and may have to retire early now because he’s crying to anyone that his finding another job after being fired for a hostile work environment is going to be impossible.
He’s blaming me saying I was out of line for having the squishy pup in a cup bothering him at work but the pup makes no noise and Kyle has a private office. So there was no need for him to rip it out of my hand and throw it away after HR said they were already cool with it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 1st off if there’s no policy against them he can’t tell you off for having it. 2nd if it helps with your productivity or focus he should encourage it. And finally, what is going through a manager’s mind to grab it out of your hand and throw it in the bin?
If he thinks he’s in the right about you not being allowed it he should have gone down the discipline process, written you up for not complying, told you to put it away, etc. You can’t throw away someone else’s property just because you’re their manager.
I hope he gets sacked for it because I can’t imagine that mindset makes him a good manager to any other staff. You should ask that part of his punishment is replacing it, just for the look on his face when he has to give it to you.” Mr_Triskelion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kyle probably thought he was untouchable when pulling this little power play, because he’s most likely gotten away with (less extreme) versions before, and he was so close to retirement. Well, the silver lining for you, it apparently did not occur to him that this instance of poor behavior is nuclear lawsuit territory.
“I am disabled, have been given accommodations, and then my superior confiscated and destroyed/discarded said accommodations while verbally demeaning me and treating me like a child” is a fantastic basis for a discrimination suit. It’s also an excellent fire under HR’s butt when it comes to solving the situation.
Also, what is this pup in a cup thing? It sounds adorable.” kittydeathdrop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The manager clearly has a problem, maybe with you, maybe a more general one, as even if toys were against the rules or bothering him in some way, that’s not a reasonable response from anyone, let alone a manager in a workplace.
He also has a problem with personal responsibility. His actions got him suspended, his actions are the reason he might not be able to get a different job. It’s not your job to take on that responsibility for him.” The-Emerald-Bar
2. AITJ For Turning My Wedding Ring Into A Necklace Without Telling My Wife?
“I (27) have been married to my wife (f26) for 11 months now. It’s been a good first year with ups and downs but that has more to do with outside events. We’re pretty strong and we usually know how to deal with disagreements.
I wear a wedding ring but I absolutely hate it. I love having something that commemorates my marriage but I don’t like a ring. I told my sister about this last week and she offered to turn it into a necklace. I accepted and she made it into a really nice necklace.
When I showed my wife the necklace she had a weird reaction. She told me that she thinks it’s cute but she thinks it’s weird that I’m hiding the ring. The thing is I’m not hiding the ring because I’ll usually wear it outside my shirt.
She also said I should’ve asked before I went and paid my sister to do that for me. I told her that the last thing I would do is to be unfaithful to her and that this has more to do with comfort.
I feel like this is such a nonissue but I could be wrong.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ with a lean towards no jerks here. You don’t like wearing a ring – that’s totally okay…but you didn’t TELL your wife in advance. You just went ahead and had your sister take care of it. Which also means you talked to your sister about it before your wife.
It makes sense that all of that hurt her feelings. Random idea for you: Have you thought of tattooing your ring finger? Lots of people do that nowadays. I’m still keeping the soft YTJ because you intentionally didn’t talk to your wife first about the ring bothering you.
This is one of those learning moments early in a marriage where you get to strengthen your communication skills and handle things like a team, rather than making unilateral choices with no prior communication. Hopefully, the two of you will be able to laugh about this together one day.” justsaygay
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Some people can’t tolerate rings, and that’s okay. But no one will know that your necklace “commemorates your marriage” except for you, your sister, and now your wife. Ask your wife what the wedding ring means to her. Is it a symbol of the commitment you made to each other that’s just meant for the two of you, or does she view the ring as a beacon that warns potential suitors that you are off the market?
If it’s the latter, then a necklace is never going to satisfy her. Maybe a silicon ring, as others have suggested, if it’s the texture that bothers you, or some people will get a tattoo on their ring finger that’s less annoying for them but also satisfying to their spouse.” mlmarte
Another User Comments:
“This is not a ring issue. It’s a communication issue. Had you clearly communicated that you found your ring uncomfortable and then changed the way you wear it this wouldn’t be an issue. Your failure to communicate has caused your wife to get the wrong idea.
Tell her you are sorry, you realize that had you discussed this with her first there would have been no miscommunication. Tell her you love being married to her, that you love her, and then reiterate that you are wearing the ring on a necklace because it means so much to you – but you find wearing things on your fingers uncomfortable.
NTJ – everyone miscommunicates at times. The first few years of marriage are hard for this reason. It’s natural. Just bear in mind that communicating openly and clearly with your partner will make for a stronger relationship that will withstand the test of time.” Unhappy-Professor-88
1. AITJ For Not Attending My Sibling's Engagement Party Due To An Important Exam?
“My sibling recently got engaged and is planning on having an engagement party soon. To give you the backstory, I’ve been studying for a certification exam for approximately the last 5 months.
The exam is known in my industry as being the toughest exams to take with an extremely low pass rate (~20%). All I’ve done for 5 months is work all day and study all night (note: I have a demanding job that requires me to work late).
Achieving this certification has been a goal of mine for many years, and I am incredibly determined to achieve this goal.
2 months ago, my family asked me for dates that would work for the family to celebrate my sibling’s engagement party. I said May absolutely doesn’t work for me since I am taking my exam, but I didn’t want them to plan around me since this is their wedding and celebration.
My family ended up scheduling the engagement party 4 days before my exam. I told them this doesn’t work for me and I’m unable to go and now they’re telling me they won’t talk to me for months if I don’t go and that I’m a selfish person and don’t care about my family.
I feel incredibly defeated – I put in all this time, money, and effort, and haven’t done anything for 5 months besides work/study. AITJ if I don’t go to the engagement party?
Note: my family hasn’t supported me through this exam and make fun of me for studying so hard.
They also aren’t in the industry I am in so they don’t really get it. Additionally, the engagement party is 1.5 hours from where I live currently.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your family sucks, and don’t believe their LIES. Their actions have already proven that they’re liars.
If they don’t support you and make fun of you, then THEY are the “selfish” ones and THEY are the ones who don’t care about the family. After all, aren’t you part of the family? I broke away from my toxic family and it was one of the greatest decisions of my life…truly!
And it sounds like you’re being treated as the scapegoat. Google it and see if that fits your situation!” gumbygumgum
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You told them with plenty of notice the dates that would not work for you and they scheduled during those dates.
You are clear for not attending the party. Your absence is entirely on them. Besides, this is just an engagement party – not the wedding. Also, your family’s behavior after announcing the date is flat-out emotional abuse. They know how important this test is to you and they want you to blow it for one day.
They are the ones being selfish. Let them not talk to you – don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing they can control you. You live your own life and set the boundaries you need to so you can be successful and don’t sabotage yourself for a simple party.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“I mean. How is it possible that 5ish hours out of your life would jeopardize an exam you’ve spent months on? You can’t take one half day off of cramming? What about listening to podcasts about the exam or making yourself audio tapes reviewing the material for the car ride?
Then just stay for an hour and go. What do you really hope to accomplish that night and that night alone? Besides, you’re no stranger to wasting time, you will probably spend over five hours thinking about this and posting here. Just make your decision, and move on.
That means being ok with your family thinking you are a jerk. Yeah, your family clearly doesn’t understand or respect your goal. But choosing to block off an entire month is just that, a choice. This is clearly important in the life of your family, and they are being dramatic about it, but they’re making their expectations clear.
If you don’t go, you do owe your sibling and whoever is hosting the party a really clear communication about it. Don’t just not go and sulk silently. ESH.” imtchogirl
