People Go Over Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. AITJ For Not Helping My Family Member With Her Plumbing Emergency?
“When I was growing up the number one rule was that education is important.
I mean doctors, lawyers, professors, P.h.Ds. Everyone in my family or who is married is highly educated except me. My mother is a doctor. My father has a law degree and a P.h.D and she teaches law as a college professor.
I have a sister who has a law degree and an M.B.A. to be in politics. My parents wanted me to get a joint medical and law degree in college. When I was little I was excited by that but when I got older I didn’t want to do it.
I never liked school and I thought college wasn’t for me. I became a plumber instead. My parents were angry when they found out I hadn’t accepted a spot in any of the colleges they got me to apply to. I told them after I turned 18 because I was scared to tell them before.
Where I live to be a plumber you have to train as an apprentice under a licensed plumber for some time but there is no formal schooling or education around it. My parents are ashamed of me for it. It’s been over 11 years since then and my relationship with my family has never been the same.
I have issues with anyone who went to college but I’m sure it wasn’t for me.
2 weeks ago one of my family members called me because there was a plumbing emergency at her house and she wanted me to come to fix it.
It was late, I was tired and this family member supported my parents because I was brought to shame by my job choice. I didn’t go to help her. The flooding in the basement from the plumbing emergency caused thousands on thousands of dollars in damage to the house because no plumber came until the morning to stop it.
She couldn’t find another plumber after I said no. No one would come in the middle of the night or be too busy. If it was stopped quickly the damage would be less.
At the time I thought it was fine that I said no to the request but now I’m having second thoughts and I’m not sure if I was being petty.
I have looked back and wondered if I should have been the bigger person and gone. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Thing is, even if OP had come and helped, I doubt this relative would have treated them with any more respect afterward.
People who look down on ‘uneducated’ folks like plumbers, trash collectors, wait staff, or postal workers know they depend on these people for their world to run smoothly. (Hello, ‘essential workers’! As we’ve recently shown quite nicely, society values your work!
But society surely doesn’t value you!) If people like this relative are having an emergency, they might even be nice to someone like OP – to their face, at least. But afterward, and usually? They’re gonna talk smack about them, maybe mop the floor because you don’t know where else he’s been, complain about how someone who didn’t even go to college can charge you that much, and hope their child never brings home someone like that as their partner.
Helping would’ve gotten OP nothing. Actually, no – it might have gotten a few complaints about how OP didn’t respond quickly enough, didn’t do it fast enough, and owed them for some of the damage. It certainly would have gotten OP TONS of complaints about how much OP charges when OP doesn’t even have student loans to worry about.
We’re talking about someone who fundamentally believes that plumbers just aren’t worth as much as ‘intellectuals.’ Coming around to another point of view means threatening their entire worldview, and that just ain’t happening.
Let ’em be flooded, OP. They don’t respect you, so you owe them a big fat nothing.
NTJ.” FeuerroteZora
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you are in business for yourself, then you could have said it’s after hours and I charge xx an hour and let her decide if she still wanted you to come. But figure it out for the future — this is something you will face often (married to a plumber) anyone I know who finds out what he does, eventually calls asking for free/discounted work on nights and weekends or worse, they try to fix it themselves and then call when they screw things up.
He works hard during the week, makes a good living, and has no desire to do ‘side jobs’ regularly — people are always mad, believing that he ‘owes’ them. Good Luck.” Babsgarcia
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ.
I’m a grad student, aiming for my Ph.D., and I cannot tell you how much I hate coming across someone in academia who looks down on non-academics.
Like good gods, my advanced studies in history and anthropology cannot outweigh the necessity of plumbers, mechanics, electricians, etc. (Nor waitresses, bartenders, and on). I give full respect to the guy who can fix my bathroom plumbing while I’m poring over osteology texts.
The electrician who can fix my porch light? Fantastic, necessary, all my love.
If your family can’t respect your absolutely vital job, they do not deserve to borrow your time or skills.” Winesoakedwrath
Another User Comments:
“I hate people with that attitude.
My parents both eventually got graduate degrees. I have a Bachelors’s. Most of my family is either very educated or they are very skilled labor. Both take a lot of hard work. Some of the most intelligent people I have ever met have no schooling.
They may learn in untraditional ways, or not be interested in college. There is no harm in that. Plumbing requires a lot of skill. My parents insisted that we get some education past high school. It didn’t have to be college, but it had to be something.
Your family may be full of book learning, but they sure are not very wise. NTJ. They cannot have it both ways – they don’t want you to feel good about yourself or your career, but they want you to use your skills to fix their emergencies.
So you are good enough to fix the problem, but not good enough to be loved. Which is nonsense.” GrizeldaLovesCats
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It seems as if this family member is not supportive nor one that you have any emotional attachment to.
Under the circumstances, you had no obligation to help her out especially since she expected you to haul yourself out there FOR FREE.
I don’t know if her offering normal ’emergency’ pay for plumbers would have changed your mind but at least you would have been treated with respect for your skills.
By not offering to pay you anything she was not respecting your professional skills as a plumber. I recently did a gut remodel of my home and I have nothing but respect for the skilled professionals – plumbers, electricians, tile setters who did the work.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My dad recently retired but was a plumber for over 40 years. Anyways, he would have people calling him all the time asking him to come to fix their stuff for FREE.
He was making good coin doing commercial plumbing.
(For those of you not familiar, this means he was laying pipe in the ground for new builds, doing water main work, etc. he did not do house calls for work!)
He always said no unless it was my grandparents. You have to realize when people are taking advantage of you.
It’s not your problem that someone wants work done but probably won’t pay you for it. Personally, I love being petty. I don’t blame you. She didn’t support you when you decided the career path you wanted but now is whining because she needs work done?
Not your problem.” ExtremePotatoFanatic
16. AITJ For Not Paying Half Of My Neighbor's Fence?
“My small decrepit old brick garage, constructed in 1922 sits right on the property line with my neighbor’s on the north side. My property is not fenced in, which I do not care about. My neighbor’s property is fenced in, so we had a de facto ‘divider’ between our properties in the back yard from an existing fence and the garage.
As far as we can guess, the fence is on their property, but we don’t know the exact line.
A year ago, the neighbors decided to replace all of their fencings. I told them that I planned to demolish the garage and build a replacement sometime in the near future.
When they replaced the fencing where it borders my property, they did not put a fence up along the side of my garage and used the garage wall as their ‘fence.’ To be neighborly, I paid for half ($800) of the fencing (approximately 35ft, so about $50/ft).
They declined to split the cost of a survey to find the exact property line. Unbeknownst to me, I was paying for a wood fence to be finished with paneling only on their side (my side just has the framing). I did not raise this issue with them.
A couple of weeks ago, the garage partially collapsed. I mean, a stiff breeze could bring the whole sucker down and it could snow any day. A few days later, I told my neighbors that I was lining up getting it demolished. Two days after that, I told the neighbors the demolition would start that day.
The following day after that, the garage wall that served as their ‘fence’ came down. I told them the garage had to be demolished immediately because it was a safety hazard and could collapse into their patio space (they have a 14mo baby and a dog).
The neighbors got very upset. They complained that I did not give them enough notice, their property was not secure because of the gap created by my garage no longer being there, this was an inconvenience and unexpected expense for them, and they were ‘lucky’ enough to be able to handle the issue.
They built a framed corrugated metal fence in the gap (about 18 ft) about two weeks later. They asked me to send for half the fence, $850 (almost $100/ft). I told them I never agreed to pay for a half of a fence only they wanted, I did not need (city zoning allows me to build up to the property line, so even if I wanted to fence-in my property, I wouldn’t need it), and that as far as we know, is on their property.
I also pointed out that they did not give me an estimate for approval and that I would not have paid that much for a fence. They are insisting that I pay for half of the new fence because it is only ‘fair’ and because of the inconvenience I caused them.
I don’t think I should have to pay anything for their fence. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If you didn’t want the fence, then you were the best neighbor in the world for having even paid a dime for it, and then asking for more is utterly insane, especially since they built the fence with the bad side facing you, which if you did have an H O A, would have never been allowed. You made a mistake not having a property survey done, and I would advise doing that ASAP.
I know this isn’t a concern of yours, but if it turns out that they built their fence over the property line onto your land, that may not be something that you’ll be able to challenge later, and you will have permanently lost that land.” Red-belliedOrator
15. AITJ For Not Allowing The Neighbors To Park On My Drive?
“I, 32f, have my younger brother, 15m, living with me. My mother had me young, hence the big age gap.
I don’t have a car and the house I bought a couple of years ago came with a drive large enough for two cars. I want to learn to drive but I haven’t gotten around to it yet.
My next-door neighbors have always been allowed to use my drive because I didn’t need it.
It really didn’t bother me because if I had friends over then I’d just ask them to move and they would.
My brother has very weak joints and has to go to the hospital every month or so on average.
A couple of months ago he tore the one in his knee and had to be on crutches.
We were pulling into our street in the taxi after getting them and one of my neighbors pulled into my drive, blocking our taxi from pulling up to the door.
We waited for them to realize my brother had crutches and move but she looked at us and carried on inside, along with her sisters and stepfather. I had to hobble my brother across wet muddy grass to get to our door.
I was so angry I then told my neighbors that they were no longer allowed to use my drive. They protested, saying they had 3 cars and a van and had nowhere to park. I sympathized but still said no. My own brother couldn’t use his drive when he couldn’t even walk thanks to their nastiness.
In the past three months, three of the residents’ children have had babies and have started parking on my drive again. I know why. Because they’d have to walk two blocks otherwise with baby carriers. I recently put up a sign on my gates saying ‘no parking on drive.’
One of these girls confronted me, telling me that I don’t even need the drive and that it’s heartless to do that to a new mother. Her sister backed her up. I replied that it was also heartless to make my brother walk across dangerous grass when he was on crutches and in agony.
I was neighborly until they caused me not to be. I know I am being petty and vindictive in my reasoning but I feel I am justified as I did them a courtesy for years by letting them use my drive only for them to treat my brother so cruelly.
AITJ?
I also want to point out that the mother is a very nice woman, and her son (the other new parent) is lovely too. I honestly wouldn’t mind or even mention it if they needed to use the drive.
Just the others.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your neighbors broke that agreement when your brother had a lot of difficulties getting to your home. The property extends to the street and you are well within your rights to call either the police or tow company so they can take care of it next time it happens.
You are well within your right to let people park and rescind that right at any time. If you think they’ll be irate, call the police to be there just to make sure they know you mean business.” Justis29
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But don’t let them keep parking there without some sort of legal agreement or you set yourself up for an adverse possession case. Also, if any of them hurt themselves in your driveway (tripping, etc.) you suddenly are open to a lawsuit for injury and damages, or at the very least legal costs defending your case.
Have you ever considered formally renting the space to them? Aside from the financial benefit, it enables you to define the terms (only certain people/cars, only certain days/times, the spot cannot be used when brother needs access (refund rent for times like this), etc.), lists out consequences for ignoring term (towing), and assign all risks and liability to them while using the space.” CarpenterMom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – as someone also in the U.K. here’s some advice as I’ve been in a similar situation. I’m currently learning to drive and at the lovely young age of 29 have been diagnosed with arthritis I also get plantar fasciitis quite often and it means I’m in excruciating pain walking at times.
About a year ago I’d told my neighbors I didn’t mind their visitor’s parking there but I was going to get a no parking sign for when I’m essentially needing access to the drive when out when my mobility isn’t great.
Three times they blocked access to my drive this was also with me texting them with a heads up I’ll be using the drive that day, the third time tipped me over the edge because I wound up slipping on ice on the outside path and breaking my arm, this was whilst I was using crutches so I was essentially screwed and had to endure the full force of the pain in my heel and knee for the next 6 weeks after.
I told them I was no longer allowing anyone to use my drive and anyone who was caught doing so would be trapped in the driveway by the folding bollard I was having placed there. Although my neighbor was extremely apologetic and understanding her entitled kids certainly weren’t.
They then began parking in front of my drive blocking access for me together. I contacted the council, got myself a blue badge parking thing, and managed to get them to put one of those disabled yellow line things in front of my drive.
With some people when you give them an inch they feel entitled to a mile. Your brother has a disability regardless of whether or not you drive you to need that access they’ll give you the yellow line trust me.” panicattackcity91
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not being petty or vindictive either. And I’m speaking from the paradigm of being ‘that guy’ who was used to using my next-door neighbor’s driveway for years. She was a little old lady. I have to park on the street, which can be challenging at times.
She invited me to use her driveway when I needed it. Was a godsend. But one day she moved to an assisted care facility and a young couple bought the house. Game over. I knew it. I accepted it. Didn’t even ask if the privilege would continue.
Your neighbor needs to understand as well ‘the gig is up’, and respect your property rights.” User
14. AITJ For Not Letting My Mother In The Delivery Room?
“I (32f) am 1 week post-partum from having my son. Because of the health crisis, during natural birth, you’re allowed two people in the delivery room.
For C-section, you’re only allowed a spouse or father of the child. At the time of my due date, my son was in breach position. Up until a week and a half before the date, we had always thought it would be a natural birth but we had never discussed who else would be in the room.
I really wanted my mom to be there for comfort but it was never discussed between my husband and myself. So at this last appointment, Hank was still in breach and we assumed it would be C-section. That morning, Hank turned and it would be a natural birth.
In came the long labor. My mom was so excited when I told her because that meant she could be there for me. She knew I was scared and was worried for both of us. I told my husband to call my mom and explain the procedures of getting in so she could be there and he became furious.
He told me that it wasn’t fair if my mom came to witness the birth of her grandchild and his couldn’t. While I like my MIL, I was in pain and I just wanted my mom. I was in pain and scared at the time so I started crying and he accused me of trying to lay a guilt trip on him.
I was honestly emotional, exhausted, and in pain. He would not let this go and put his foot down that she could not come. I could fight that and contractions so I let it go. It’s been a week and my mom is so upset with him because he put his selfishness above me.
It’s almost like world war 3 at this point.
I feel like a jerk because I didn’t stick up for myself or my mom. He trashed my mom and I didn’t stand up for her. Should I have said something or played the peacekeeper?
EDIT: I do take responsibility for not having a birthing plan and not discussing it beforehand. I had been taking advice while I was pregnant and I came to the conclusion that no matter what happened, the birth plan would probably go out the window.
It was chaotic and I just didn’t want to get my hopes up of doing things a certain way and then changing at the last minute but my mom had always been a part of my plans. That is my fault for not communicating that.
Also edit: my husband up to this point had always been a caring person. He has had his selfishness in the past but nothing like this. Truthfully, he has gotten a bit more selfish since Hank arrived. It’s been a bit of a letdown but I’m trying to make it work for my son’s sake.
I am an empath so I always feel guilty when someone’s feelings are hurt. I tend to be a bit sensitive as well. I want everyone to be okay but this just bothers me so much.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s not your fault. You were in a place of pain and suffering as you were birthing your son and your husband was being a jerk because his mother couldn’t be there. For you, your mother being there is a thing of comfort.
Also, a guilt trip? Really? You were in pain!!! I would really second guess your marriage to him because, really, he is really selfish.
Tell your husband that his mother can come and witness the birth of her next grandchild once he’s able to give birth instead.
EDIT: I read your edit and I understand where you’re coming from, but you can’t let him push you down because of this. I’m an empath myself and literally feel bad about everything even when it isn’t my fault. I even find ways to believe that it is my fault, which isn’t a healthy thing sometimes.
If you’re doing everything for the sake of your son, I want you to think about this: if your husband’s being selfish to you now, what’s he going to do to your son when he’s older? I suggest some sort of marriage counseling if this continues.
Also, thinking about it, I don’t think you’re entirely experiencing post-partum. You could also be experiencing an impact in your emotions from your husband’s behavior toward you.” Lovely_Lucario227
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can’t blame you for doing what you needed to at the moment to deal with labor.
That being said… you have a husband problem. You’re in active labor and he accuses you of trying to guilt him because you couldn’t hide your pain and sadness?
Who. Does. What!?
Your mom is right. She knew you wanted her there.
You were the one in labor so she (rightly) feels your feelings were what mattered. She now knows she wasn’t there to support and comfort you because your husband said you were not entitled to the birth you wanted. To repeat, your husband denied you the comfort you wanted and needed while you were trying to birth his child.
I do not blame your mother for being incredibly upset with your husband on your behalf and hers.
Having children will change a person and a relationship because it’s such a huge thing. Normally (I hope) it makes people stronger, happier… better.
In the case of your husband, sadly it appears this wasn’t the case.” angel2hi
Another User Comments:
“You’re absolutely 100% NTJ.
Your husband is. You need to take some time away from your husband to be with your mom. Stay with her a bit, get some help with the baby, clear your head.
He sprung that on you while you were in labor. And called you emotionally manipulative for crying because he wouldn’t let you bring your mom in while you were giving actual BIRTH to a HUMAN BEING. You were in a vulnerable position and he took advantage of that.
And then tried to gaslight you into thinking you were the one in the wrong in that situation. And now even on here, you think it’s YOUR fault for not sticking up for your mom. While you were giving birth.
I think you need to talk to your mom about this or someone you trust and tell them what he did and get their opinion and advice on it. And really talk it out. Because that situation was traumatizing FOR YOU and I think need some support after that.” Papasmurf10111
Another User Comments:
“NTJ he’s a gigantic jerk. If my husband did this he would be an ex instantly. Have no compassion. If he can’t do exactly what you ask while you being split in half then you need to go.
This was the eternal test of trust. You were delivering his child and he couldn’t let you have the support you needed. Stand back and acknowledge that. He wouldn’t let you near medical help until he got his way.
He wouldn’t give you the emotional support you needed while you have a child coming out of you and your in one of the weakest positions women are in. This isn’t the final straw, this is all of the straws.
Honestly, if someone did this to me while I was in labor, they wouldn’t be alive on the planet anymore.” mysticalmac99
13. AITJ For Telling The Previous Tenant That I'm Throwing Away Their Mail?
“We moved into our rental house 8 months ago, and since day 1 we have received mail from the previous tenant. For the first few weeks, it was just a letter here or there and I would write ‘Does not live at this address, return to sender’ on them and mail them back.
Eventually, I found a card in my mailbox from the previous tenant asking if I could set her mail aside instead of returning it and text her cellphone, that way she could pick it all up and know who to contact about changing her address.
Okay, annoying, but sure so I started collecting her mail, and every 2-3 weeks would text her, place the bundle in the mailbox and she’d come to get it.
The mail has never stopped and in fact, has only gotten worse.
It’s now to the point where I’m getting 6+ pieces of mail for her A DAY, holiday cards, magazines, and even a pair of shoes once that she purchased and clearly had to enter the shipping address so what the heck?
Once when I went out of town for a weekend and didn’t check the mail, I had a large commission check get sent back to my employer (out of state) because the mailbox was so full of her stuff from the day(s) before that they couldn’t deliver it.
It took an entire week and a half for me to finally receive my money.
I’ve asked her repeatedly to change her information and she just won’t. Now she’s started texting me constantly about mail! I’ve explained to her that I’m busy, literally gave birth 2 months ago, and have enough on my plate without having to deal with a stupid mail issue that she could solve in 10 minutes.
I’m sick of texting her, I’m sick of having to walk down the street with my infant and write ‘return to sender’ on everything, every day, it’s ridiculous. I told her she needs to change the info or it’s going into the trash and she texted back stating that she’d call the cops because it’s illegal. She also mentioned that her disabled son has his medical information sent to my house sometimes so I HAVE to give it directly to her.
I told her I don’t give a darn about her disabled son and clearly, she doesn’t either because if it was such important information then it should be going to her house, not mine!
She continued to curse me and make demands so I just blocked her number.
I do feel bad for reacting like I did towards a disabled child over mail but I just snapped.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is so strange. I wonder if she’s continuing to use your address to establish residency for her son’s school or benefits or something?
Or could she actually be homeless at the moment? Not that any of these are justified, but it’s just puzzling.
Can you contact USPS and ask what you should do? Maybe leave a note for your mail carrier? You shouldn’t throw it away because you’d open yourself up to potential legal stuff (maybe?), but you shouldn’t have to keep doing this either.” personofpaper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but don’t throw it away. Call your local post office. I had to do that when I moved into my current place because, like you, the previous tenant didn’t change her address. I took the stack of mail that had been delivered to the post office, told them that this person no longer lived there, and I would not be accepting any further mail for them.
I haven’t had a problem since.” tidymaze
Another User Comments:
“I’ve lived at my current address going on 5 years and I still get mail for the previous homeowner. All this time I’ve been writing ‘MOVED – NOT AT THIS ADDRESS’ and putting it back in outgoing mail.
I talked to the carrier at work (because I never see the one that delivers to my home) and this was his advice: Put a note inside your mailbox where the letter carrier can see it, that says ‘(MY LAST NAME ONLY’.
If you continue to get mail from someone else call your local post office and complain. My understanding was that this is something my carrier should have noted early on and stopped delivering someone else’s mail to my box. He said my carrier can get in trouble for continuing to deliver someone else’s mail to my box after being advised not to.
YWNBTJ for throwing their mail away, but getting hit with a federal felony would be worse. Call your local post office and let them know the other party does not live there and request they stop delivering her mail to you.” LashDresden
Another User Comments:
“She’s doing this to dodge debt collectors, and to receive the merchandise (like magazines) that she has no intention of paying for.
The reason you’ve been getting more mail from her, not less, is because she’s giving your address out to everyone.
And that means you’re the one who’s going to be fending off anyone who comes looking for her. You may have difficulty proving that she doesn’t live with you.
You definitely need to buy a cheap ‘RETURN TO SENDER’ stamp and use it on everything.
And instead of putting them back in your mailbox, once a week (or whenever), when you go out to get groceries, deposit them in one of those USPS drop boxes. Or hand them to your postal person if you’re there when they come by.
But keep her phone number blocked, and don’t contact her again. And file a police report if she keeps harassing you.” cat-lover76
12. AITJ For Pointing Out A Pattern I've Noticed In My Mother-In-Law?
“My MIL lies a loooooot. Most of her lies are to get out of seeing us, which hey I’m all for boundaries, but I think she needs to grow up and state her boundaries.
She says she’s sick and then posts on social media that she’s out. She says she is skipping the holidays this year but has her other kids at her house. She said she was having a courthouse wedding and again totally forgets we can see her social media and posted pictures from her vineyard wedding with probably 30-40 people.
At this point, I have totally dropped the rope with her.
I’ve known MIL since I was 18, so 15 years in total and I’ve noticed something about holidays, she only invites us to holidays on years we do something for her birthday.
I’ve noticed it for a while, but couldn’t be sure, but I’ve really given it some thought and that is always the common denominator.
I’ve told my husband that she is his mom and it’s his responsibility. I refuse to pitch in for a woman who dislikes me, and just because he is a man doesn’t mean he can’t buy a birthday present or make a reservation.
Most years he screws it up, but that’s on him. I do go all out for my mom and I think MIL might be aware. They are somewhat in the same social group, not friends but their husbands are. MIL never says anything, but the years we don’t do anything for her birthday are the years she lies about skipping the holidays.
We saw her the other day and the topic of the holidays came up. My husband actually did do something for her birthday this year, and MIL was straightforward and invited us over for Thanksgiving. I made a joke that she must have liked her birthday present this year, and she acted confused but she made a face and I could tell she knew what I meant.
I told her I’d noticed the pattern and explained what it was. My 11-year-old asked if she really did that and laughed because she clearly thought it was ridiculous. MIL just rolled her eyes and went to do something in the kitchen.
A couple of minutes later MIL’s husband came over and told me to ‘get out.’ I was confused that was she really that upset over me pointing it out, and he started yelling at me that she didn’t say it he did and I better get out of his house and take my kids.
My husband was furious at him for talking like that and we left. He called MIL and asked if she was really upset and she said I did that to embarrass her because she doesn’t express herself, and she doesn’t care if it seems petty on the outside, she doesn’t owe anyone an explanation.
She then hung up on him.”
Another User Comments:
“Like when I was 10, I realized mommy was having an affair with daddy. Told dad, he told mom and probably accused her, she slapped me across the face with “It is none of your business” (never denying it) while at Christmas or so at my grandparents (they discussed it in private and she called me upstairs to slap me).
They are indeed still together though I am 1000% certain she lied. Fairly certain asking for her adult toys back isn’t just friendly behavior.
My uncle told dad to divorce mom when I was 12 or so at Christmas because ‘she’s too smart and dominating’ (ie his wife has the IQ of a fly, never laughs, and throws away her life).
Those shaped how I view them today. I observed on my own. Also saw my grandparents do stuff I don’t like and I don’t like them now but that’s a long story.
Kids aren’t stupid. I’m not going to fault OP here for saying it in front of the kid.
And sometimes 1) words just come out and you forget the audience, and 2) the kid also slips in the room without your conscious knowledge. When in a fight thinking before speaking is rare (admit it, everyone does it at some point) and the heat of passion results in saying something that you would otherwise not say (like in front of a kid).
Parents use self-control. But it is not the easiest in fights. It’s normal and I wish people would stop slamming parents so much for ending up saying certain things in front of their kids. Obviously telling someone you hate them isn’t a good move but otherwise?
It happens.” Binx_da_gay_cat
Another User Comments:
“To think, that the MIL even not want to see her own grandchild because she is miffed about a present…
But the husband really sucks if he can’t manage to buy a present for his mother every year.
MILs husband did throw them out in front of the child. It really seems like he and MIL gives a d**n about their grandchild and loves drama.
Calling out in front of the child is clearly wrong. If you know why she does it, why call her out at all?
You know of her actions that she seems to be a petty person. Do you really think that there would be something good coming from it? If you know the pattern, the husband just needs to buy a present if you want to be invited. Yes, she or the husband overreacted. But for someone who doesn’t want to see you all year because of a present, what can you expect?
They seem to love to overreact and to ‘punish’ people. Maybe they just love drama.
In the end, I just feel bad for the 11 y/o.
Everyone sucks here.” Acceptable-Abalone20
Another User Comments:
“She hasn’t ‘totally forgotten’ ANYTHING. She has a running tally in her head.
It’s a narcissist thing. And an incredibly passive-aggressive thing. She KNOWS you’re seeing her posts after saying she can’t do anything with you – it’s your ‘punishment.’ You are ‘rewarded’ with her presence at Christmas ONLY when you deserve it, by doing something for her birthday.
GOD, she sounds exhausting! But most self-important people are. It has nothing to do with her ‘not expressing herself.’ It has to do with her judging and criticizing and generally being the one making everything awkward and uncomfortable for everyone, then pretending it has nothing to do with her, everyone else has a problem, NOT her!
And how DARE you suggest otherwise!
Narcissists have incredibly fragile egos, and you pretty much ripped hers out, threw it on the ground, peed on it, and then watched while your daughter did the same. (Well done, btw! I can’t imagine anyone more deserving of that!
LOL) You also just seriously complicated FILs life too, and he isn’t looking forward to the constant damage control he is going to have to do every time you and your family come up. Make no mistake: IT’S ALL ABOUT MIL.
And it always will be.
There’s plenty of information about narcissists online – read a bit and see what you think. If you really do want to have her in your lives you are going to have to do a Herculean amount of work, and it will be never-ending.
Narcissists are NEVER wrong, they have extremely sensitive feelings, and you will always be on the defensive with her. Choose wisely – this may be the ideal time to make your escape!
NTJ, and remember: you can never win with a narcissist.” SweatyFig3000
Also kudos to hubby for having your back
11. AITJ For Confronting My Mom?
“My (15F) mom has always been very protective, and while I don’t blame her for loving us very much, it gets to a point where it makes me feel like I can’t tell her anything without her freaking out.
She always tells us to be honest with her, but I can’t do that because I don’t feel comfortable telling her anything. Neither do my siblings. We all sort of pretending we’re fine when we’re actually upset. I’ve actually become really good at hiding feelings because of all the times I feel like I need to act okay.
My brother (9M) is being bullied at school, and he didn’t want to tell my mom at first because he knew she would flip out. My younger siblings also hide their failed tests from my mom because she usually calls the school and demands to know why they didn’t get a good grade, and it really embarrasses them.
Also, she tries to control who we’re friends with. My sister (15F) isn’t allowed to go out with a certain friend of hers just because this friend likes to wear shirts with curse words on them. She constantly reminds us about avoiding ‘danger’ (which makes me anxious) and when I’m out with friends, she checks in on me every 30 minutes.
One time I was out seeing a movie with friends, and when I got home my mom was annoyed because I didn’t answer her calls. Our curfew (even for my 18-year-old stepsister) is 8:15. I think that’s pretty early, especially since most of us are pretty independent.
She enjoys looking through our stuff. I’ve caught her listening outside my door and spying on my phone calls and reading my texts more times than I can count, and I’m super scared that one day she’ll find out about my social media accounts.
I allow my sister to hide her private journals under my bed so my mom doesn’t find them.
Yesterday, I wanted to let my mom know how I feel, and I told her that what she’s doing wouldn’t help me in the slightest, because I know how to take care of myself, and if I want her help, I’ll ask for it.
I asked her if she could try and learn to trust me. My stepdad (who had been across the room, yelled at me and told me my mom knew best and I was just a kid who was meant to listen and obey.
My mom had to calm him down and she sent him in the other room, and we had a good conversation, but my stepdad was annoyed so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
First of all, your step-dad sucks. Ignore him.
The conversation you want to have with your mom is important.
As a mother to two daughters, I can tell you that trying to find the balance between keeping them safe and trusting them to make their own choices is TERRIFYING. Look at any media story about kids being hurt/missing/misbehaving and you’ll see that there is an obsessive focus on what the mother did or didn’t do to cause the harm to come to the child.
It’s so pervasive that it becomes very difficult to not hyperfocus on every choice you make as a parent.
I’m only telling you this to give you context for what may be behind the choices and restrictions your mother is making.
But you’re right. Kids deserve age-appropriate privacy and trust. And a healthy relationship should allow for the conversation around that privacy and trust to be constantly evolving. I sincerely hope that your mother will hear you. I would desperately want to hear this if my daughters felt this way.” personofpaper
10. AITJ For Displaying An Elephant Statue Made Of Ivory On My Desk?
“I was gifted a small statue of a cool-looking elephant when I was a child, which was bought by a family member in Africa in the 70s.
Sadly it is made entirely out of ivory and my partner thinks that I am a jerk for displaying it on my WFH desk and is telling me that it is immoral to keep it.
I would never buy anything made of ivory myself and I would give the ivory back if I could. But the damage is already done and it seems a waste to just throw it away. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I see it as appropriate to have displayed for the same reason my vegan friend still wears a pair of leather gloves – he bought them back in the time before he was a practicing vegan, and while he would no longer choose to buy another pair, he also sees no benefit in disposing of them now.
The harm has been done already, and it would be more disrespectful to dispose of them and waste that cost and effort than it would be to get the most use from them possible.
Your ivory statue is the same – while nowadays it is no longer appropriate (there is a reason the elephant sitting on my desk right now is made of stone instead), the cost has already been paid and it would be of no benefit to dispose of it.
Keep it, acknowledge the cost paid to make it and the changes we have made since those days, and display it appropriately.” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“I can tell you what I did with a gifted piece of ivory, and that’s all I will do.
My great grandfather gave my great-grandmother a cameo broach that was ivory and obsidian back in the early 1900s. She gifted it to me when I was about 14 because she didn’t want my grandmother to get it and pawn it off.
When my great-grandmother died, I waited until right before they closed the coffin, and I pinned it on her lapel. She was buried with it.
I didn’t feel great about the history of the item, but also it was the item given to my great grandmother at her engagement.
It was beautiful and also problematic. I wanted it to rest with the person it was important to and also not be in the market. So now it sits in a grave, and my conscience is clear.
I wouldn’t display it because of what it represents.
I don’t think you’re a jerk, though, because you didn’t actually contribute to the death of the animal. But it is problematic, and I see your partner’s side of this.
I’m going with ‘no jerks here.’ But I wouldn’t display it proudly if it were my home.” Jade_Echo
Another User Comments:
“Speaking as someone who also has ivory family heirlooms; After a piece of art like that is passed down to you the morality of it is erased. You were not the person to buy it, and it doesn’t exist in your life because of what it’s made of, it exists in your life because it’s a family heirloom.
Keep it safe, tell the stories of the people who gave it to you, and tell the stories of how buying and selling ivory is now illegal because of how beautiful it is and how people took advantage of it. Treat it like any other piece of history and not something to be bragged about and everything will be fine.” BuddieBones
Another User Comments:
“In a lot of countries, it’s illegal to own any ivory no matter its provenance or artistic value. That being said most countries it’s illegal to have unregistered firearms and I’ve known a few ww2 vets who had brought home German guns and they’re not registered and technically should be handed in and destroyed.
That being said, maybe don’t flaunt something you know is controversial. I’d absolutely keep it, I especially love little niknaks and if they have a story (like a hand-carved friggin ivory statue) I’d lose my mind lol. I’d find a different place for it, somewhere where it’s not a central focus item.
I keep most of my doodads out in my workshop, especially my military items. I can enjoy all my things without having to explain them away to guests or kids but bring my friends who I know would appreciate them out there.
The ivory trade is disgusting and needs to be fully eradicated. But throwing out your 50-year-old small figure won’t do a single thing to do that and your owning it doesn’t mean you’re compliant in how it was obtained.
NTJ at all!” jempaul
9. AITJ For Losing My Temper With My Partner?
“I work from home two days a week. My partner, for the LIFE of him, can’t understand that when I’m working, I cannot interact with him in a meaningful way. Because I’m working.
I’ve tried to be gentle, firm, angry, frustrated, kind, etc. Nothing gets through to him.
My breaking point was today. First, I’m at my computer and he comes up behind me for cuddles. I give him a squeeze and a gentle reminder that I’m working. He then asks me if I want more coffee. Then what I want for dinner (it’s 9a).
Then lunch. Then he decides to make a cake and has 1,000 questions on what to do even though it’s a box cake with very clear instructions. He asks what HE should eat for lunch. Then he asks what I think about the UFC fights this weekend.
Then he tries to initiate intimacy. All before noon. Around 1 he asks again what I want for dinner. I told him that we can discuss it when I was done for the day (4p) and until then I needed some quiet.
He goes to the computer to play a game and I can tell he’s hurt but I seriously can’t do any more interruptions. He put his headphones on and the timer went off for the cake and he didn’t hear it.
Of course. So I had to pause my phone conversation and take care of the cake. And I ended up shouting at him for the first time in our relationship (2 years) that I need him to pretend that I wasn’t home and ignore me when I’m working from home.
My work is super detail-oriented and I need to focus.
He’s now very sad and while I feel bad, I need him to get it through his skull that I’m WORKING. He doesn’t work at all, I support us 100% and it feels super disrespectful that he demands so much of me while I’m trying to pay our bills.
So. Am I the jerk for shouting at him? I’m at my wit’s end here but I hate that I hurt his feelings. I get that he’s lonely but FFS – give me a break.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He created his sadness here by not listening to you.
My husband and I both work from home. We both have hard jobs. We can understand when we set boundaries because we get each other with a few blips here and there when we’re feeling needy. It sounds like your guy is having trouble understanding the pressure you’re under and that he’s adding to your stress.
I’m guessing his reaction is kinda making you feel like you’re kicking a puppy for wanting to love you. That’s wrong of him. It’s ok to miss you, but he needs to******* up and respect your boundaries and not sulk. You’ve been very reasonable.
Maybe he’s feeling like you’re distant from him and not using his words? Maybe have a talk about how you’re spending your free time together? IDK that’s a hard one OP.” dreaderu
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP, your guy needs a job.
And for you to stop dancing around his feelings and lay down a firm boundary that when you are at work, he can’t bother you. Hiding in the closet isn’t a solution, and your guy is weaponizing incompetence to make you interact with him.
And: ‘Mental health struggles’ are not generally an excuse to sponge off your partner for months on end. If he’s THAT bad he needs to consider inpatient therapy and other serious options – otherwise, he’s an adult and needs to pull his own weight.
(I know Gen Z is going to attest to that to oblivion but it’s the truth. Unless you have money or can somehow qualify for disability, you have to work. It’s not your partner’s job to support you indefinitely while you play video games.)” Revolutionary-Yak-47
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, it sounds like resentment is building, and reasonably so. You need to have a heart to heart. Lay it out just like you did here. Tell him that you love him and understand it’s hard for him to remember that you’re working while you’re at home, but you are and do need to focus on what you’re doing.
He might not like it, but it’s his job to respect it.
As a WFH vet (7+ years) I would suggest moving where you work from home into another room (office). If it isn’t possible for you to move to a different room, I suggest buying a room divider or creating some type of privacy wall so you’re cut off from view and in your own private space.
It sounds like he’s either bored and/or feels alone and is trying to connect. Check-in with yourself and make sure you have a good balance between work and off work.” stop_spamming_caps
8. AITJ For My Wedding Venue Choice?
“I understand that yes, I certainly CAN have my wedding wherever my fiance and I would like, but my question is if in the practical sense, what I’m doing is unfair to my family/guests.
I feel like culture/geography is a little important here, so I will say that we live in New England where people are used to things being a somewhat close drive. My fiance’s family lives about an hour north of where my parents live, and we recently bought a house together that is about an hour from either of them.
When touring wedding venues, my fiance and I had a very specific vision in mind and were blown away by a place that was exactly what we were looking for. My parents came with us on the tour and seemed to love it – we even made a list of pros/cons together and they couldn’t come up with any at the time.
However, about a week later (after putting down a deposit, I might add), it seemed like my mother has reservations.
The venue is located in my fiance’s hometown, simply by chance. My mom asked if we could still look at other places, just so that we can be sure, and seemed to fall in love with a venue much closer to where my family base is.
I was lukewarm about it, and my fiance actively didn’t like it, so I told her that we were happy with our original venue. Since then, it seems like there is underlying resentment, and not just from my mom. A couple of older relatives have mentioned the distance being challenging, and while I have tried to explain that we have hotel rooms blocked off, we can help with transportation, and that I would NEVER leave important family members stranded with no way to get to the venue, it seems like it is really taking a toll on my mother’s stress levels.
The thing that really bothers me is that I am very close to my whole family, especially my parents but certainly my extended family as well, but I get the feeling that they think I have prioritized my fiance and his family.
I keep trying to explain that it has nothing to do with anyone’s family – we had a 1.5-hour radius from both family centers and it just happened to be in my fiance’s hometown. If my relatives were being rude about it, I’d easily be able to just say screw them and move on, but it’s the underlying disappointment and stress that I can tell it’s placing on people that bothers me.
My cousin and maid of honor, for what it’s worth, told me that an hour’s drive is nothing and people need to get over themselves, but the last thing I want is for my wedding to be a burden on everyone.
So, I need some outsider opinions before it’s too late to book somewhere else – is asking people to make an hour/1.5hour drive too much, and should I be working harder to help make my family feel prioritized?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can please some of the people all the time and all of the people some of the time but you can’t please all of the people all of the time. (I wish that was an original thought).
One to one and a half hours is a reasonable time to drive.
If they don’t have the stamina for that, then they would probably be worn out at the wedding anyway.
How about sending a personal note to all of these people. I am not saying a text but a hand-written or (if there are THAT many people involved) a typed note setting forth what you have written here.
That way, they have something in hand that they can reread because sometimes people just don’t hear.
At that point, I think you will have done all you can so quit stressing and enjoy preparing for your wedding.” patjames904
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They don’t have to go but either way, you’ll remember it for the rest of your lives but for most of them, it’s just a fun party. Even if they do remember it you don’t want them to remember it with you being annoyed and resentful because you felt pressured into a venue you disliked.
Someone tangentially, an hour is barely traveling time at all. I went to a wedding for one of my wife’s family members and we were staying in a nearby city with her sister. It was an hour and fifteen minutes to drive back at the end of the night.
In the winter. In the dark. So to be staying in a hotel in town and just needing to get there at all, but not get back after the actual wedding. Seems like nothing to me.” Ubiquitous_Mr_H
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m not from the US, but coming from a large family I’ve been to a lot of weddings and I can count on my fingers the number of weddings I attended that was less than two hours away. We have spent 45min-1h driving between the church and the reception venue a bunch of times!
That wait for food is so much worse than any amount of time we have to do to go to the wedding. Unless there’s an important physical reason that might be difficult the attendance (money, mobility, etc.) you should not reconsider the place you have chosen.
The people who care would do any distance for you (if possible, of course) If you feel bad, just try to talk to your family about it and you could try to involve them in something else of the wedding.” peanutchocolatechips
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Trying to make everyone happy is about the dumbest thing you can do because it’s an impossible task (with family on both sides being spread out, somebody is going to be inconvenienced), and the persons who are then guaranteed to be unhappy are the ones trying (and failing) to please everyone.
Your parents need to realize, it isn’t just YOUR wedding, it’s also your fiancé’s wedding, and their family is invested in it too.
Pick the venue the two of you want, and then it’s up to the extended family if you two are worth the trouble.
You can always threaten to elope and just have a courthouse wedding if extended family won’t accept your answer.” TarantulaPets
Stick with what you & your fiance have decided & DO NOT involve anyone else in any further decisions .
Personally , i have driven 8 hours each way to attend siblings weddings , drove 16 hours each way for my best friends wedding ( drove as I was transporting her wedding cake) & taken a 2 hour flight to attend a nephews wedding .
7. AITJ For Refusing To Help A Customer During My Lunch Break?
“I am a pharmacist and the pharmacy I work in closes for lunch daily from 12:30-1 pm so the pharmacist can eat. This is not anything new and our hours are visible outside the pharmacy and on Google, so the information is easy to find.
Since I work for a corporation, they are strict about the timing so I have to open back up at 1:00 on the dot. This means that any minute past 12:30 that I stay to finish up some work or help a customer cuts into my lunchtime.
When I work a 12-hour shift, that precious 30 minutes is the only break I get all day to eat, rest my feet, get caught up, take a breath, you get it. It already feels too short even if I get the full time.
So today I was closing the gate and a customer walked up to the register. I politely informed her we were closed and would reopen at 1. I expected her to say OK and come back as it is what it is.
But instead, she tried to weasel her way in and said ‘all I need is some Sudafed, can you help me real quick?’ Well, today I was quite frankly fed up with entitled attitudes like hers, it’s not like Sudafed is a life-saving medication that she needed right away, she could wait, and people just don’t understand that doing something like this is rude and I wanted to say my piece.
So I didn’t raise my voice, but I said ‘Ma’am we always close for lunch at this time. This is the only break I get throughout the day. If I take 2 minutes to help you, that is 2 minutes less time I have to eat.
We are open for 11.5 hours daily for your convenience, if you don’t want to wait you should come during our regular business hours. If I stay to help you, chances are there will be other people that will get in line behind you and ‘only need 1 prescription’ or ‘only need a box of needles’ and soon enough my lunch break will be over.
I know I am in the service industry, but I deserve a lunch break like anyone else. Thank you for understanding.’
She proceeded to roll her eyes at me and say ‘Fine, you don’t have to be rude about it.
All you had to say was no.’ I was taken aback because I had already told her no and that we were closed but she argued with me. She left and didn’t return after lunch. I feel bad about it now because I am afraid I said too much and was unprofessional and it lost me a customer, but I also feel like people need to understand the strain they are putting on essential workers right now with their entitled attitude.
So AITJ for not helping her/going on a little bit of a rant when she pressed?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I used to be a tech at Walmart and I absolutely told all the people off for the pharmacist because a 30-minute lunch on a 12 hour day just isn’t enough.
I also detest Sudafed people tbh, they usually don’t actually need it and just want it because they think it’s special being behind the counter. Next time just tell them the computer is already shut down and it won’t unlock until 1.
If people think it’s beyond your control they take it better than you actually prioritizing yourself since you’re human just like everyone else.
Edit: to everyone trying to justify how much you need this product, I’m not talking about you. There are literally people who think it treats everything from stomach aches to acid reflux-related coughing because of the large advertising budget of the products.
Please stop telling me how congested you are and it’s all that works. I’m also not even judging whether someone needs it or not, these people will go to their doctor who tells them not to get it but then decide since it works for their neighbor they want it anyways.
I didn’t deny sales because I thought someone wasn’t sick enough, I denied sales because someone told me it was for someone else or had multiple ID forms and was trying to circumvent the system. That’s it. The ultimate point is that it’s not an emergency and you can wait 30 minutes.” fungustoefred
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, OP. The fellow pharmacist here. Non-practicing at the moment and have zero intentions of ever going back to it. Want to know why? Because of ridiculous business practices like one 30 minute break during the day for pharmacists.
Yeah, we get paid the ‘big bucks’ but it is so not worth screwing up my feet and back. Another reason, patients who believe you’re a jerk if you don’t do this one little thing for them during your break time.
Entitled patients SUCK. I worked at a pharmacy where 75% of our patients were retired folks. Most of them were okay, but every once in and awhile we’d get entitled McGee who wanted us to take no more than 10 minutes to fill the script he received from his doctor two weeks ago because he has a tee time to make.
D**n if we took extra time on purpose with that attitude. Okay. This is not my therapy time. Just, I feel your pain, OP. I wish you all the best in your career.
Also, I want to thank the person I’m replying to because good techs who protect the pharmacist’s time are worth their weight in gold.
I might not have worked with you, but I appreciate you.” TKD_Mom76
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You weren’t rude. And you did already tell her no. I hate when I have to say no over and over bc grown adults don’t know how to accept no as an answer.
And if you help a customer then another one pops up and says ‘well you helped THAT person why not help me.’ And it’s a never-ending cycle. Then ppl cry and whine bc it’s only 2 minutes when in reality they have no real concept of time.
It seems some folks are a bit entitled bc they don’t keep track of their medication. Which I understand to an extent. People can be busy and not have time or even the means to get it and that’s unfortunate. But hours are posted for a reason and you’re not a mule that just stands at a counter 24/7.
You’re also a human and your health matters too.” errkajune
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – and pharmacists need to stop being treated like they’re in the ‘service industry’, you’re in the healthcare industry. If you don’t fulfill your due diligence with the products you’re offering, people can die.
The public doesn’t seem to understand this because pharmacists/techs are pushed to ‘sell, sell, SELL’, it’s made the profession a laughing stock when in fact, when practiced properly, it increases health outcomes. I do recommend that next time, you stick to your ‘no’ and move on, largely because this type of person doesn’t see reason.
I have a friend in the same career who once explained to a patient that she was short-staffed, therefore there was a longer wait-time, and the patient tried to get her in trouble. The real jerk here is retail chains that keep lowering the standards of your profession.
I work with a lot of pharmacists in my hospital, and they are excellent at catching any errors physicians and nurses make. Truly an under-appreciated profession” NeedleworkTime
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Give My Sister's Family A Christmas Gift?
“For starters, please note that I love my sister oh so much. But as I’m purchasing gift after gift for her 4 children I’m starting to feel like the bank account is getting drained and things are a little unfair.
For reference, she has 4 kids ages 6-11 and I and my husband have 0. Every year I have tried to go above and beyond on Xmas gifts for my nieces and nephew as well as for my sister and bro in law.
But for some reason this year it hit me that I am purchasing gifts for 6 ppl and they are only purchasing gifts for 2. It could be the fact that I’m working my butt off to get out of debt (failed small business) and probably should be spending nothing but hey it’s Christmas.
Not to mention seeing how well off my sis/bil are now. I will take fault for making it a habit of buying everyone gifts every year and not to mention I asked what she wanted this year. AITJ for wanting to skip the sister/bro-in-law gift this year and just focus on the kids?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I would have a conversation with them about it and also dial way back on what you give the kids. They have two well-off parents who are providing for them. There is no shame in calling them to tell them you are digging yourself out of debt and have little to no disposable income right now.
Ask them what would work best. I’ve definitely been there and it’s awesome you are being responsible with your finances.
Also, (and I don’t work for this organization, I promise) I’m a follower of Dave Ramsey and there’s actually a sub devoted to his financial practices.
I used his methods to dig myself out and better budget. He has books, but you can get everything free online, so don’t purchase those. If you already have a plan, disregard it.” Lola_M1224
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s yours you can do what you want with it.
You do not have to go above and beyond for the Christmas gifts every year; that sounds like the pressure you put on yourself. Also, buying everyone a gift is a pressure you put on yourself. And remember they only buy two gifts for you and your husband because your family is currently only surmised of two people.
You get six presents for them because there are six in their family… that kind of makes perfect sense to me. You can buy one gift for the family or just for their kids or one gift for husband and wife to share and another gift for all the kids to share; that would equal two gifts- same as what you give.” User
Another User Comments:
“As a sister who has zero children and many nieces and nephews… I’ve been in your shoes and feel I understand…
These are two separate issues you need to consider…
1. Going above and beyond for your sister and her family.
You are making this choice for what seems to be the reason for love and affection. You have to choose what your budget is and what you purchase, while it is great to be the indulgent auntie at the same time you have to respect your own financial constraints, you shouldn’t put yourself further into debt or create stress for yourself with gift-giving.
2. Buying gifts for six people when they are buying gifts for you and your husband. This is a separate issue. It is what it is, rarely do all siblings have equal size families at the same time.
Before I could pass judgment I would ask you to consider what concerns you more?
Is it that you’re being indulgent and this at this point could be better used towards paying down debt? Or is it that you’re buying for six people when your sister is buying for two?
If it’s number one that’s bothering you more because you don’t feel this year you can be so indulgent then I would say NTJ however if it’s number two where you are coming to resent buying for six people when she’s only buying for you and your husband then I would say YTJ, it’s not her fault she has four children and you don’t have any, people’s lives going different directions for many different reasons.
I guess that you need to be honest with yourself first, and once you really understand what’s bothering you the decision will be black and white.” CTDV8R
5. AITJ For Not Stopping Listening To A Podcast?
“So I (31F) am very into true crime documentaries and podcasts, like almost every other millennial on Earth. There is an exceptionally good and awarded true-crime podcast in my region that is extremely popular and that has also been made into a very successful TV show/documentary.
Both the TV show and the podcast are VERY popular. Like, people use the catchphrase from the host all the time and people talk about it at work, at home, at the grocery store, everywhere you go. It is a trending topic on Twitter every week.
You get the idea.
One of the cases from last season was a case located in the town next to mine. It’s a very popular case in my region, and we knew a lot about it before it was on the show.
TL, DR: a woman went after another woman and forged her signature to get to an asset the other woman had. The woman was proven guilty and is in prison, and afterward, she was also proven guilty of hiring a hitman to successfully get rid of her husband.
I also happened to go to the same class as the daughter of the said assassin and her deceased (murdered) husband. We got along well. We were not best friends, but definitely talked to each other and I drove her home sometimes.
Never judged her for it. She never mentioned any of this, but I knew it was her because hey, small region. Everyone knows each other.
When the show treated her mother’s case, she did not like how they did it and placed a complaint to the producers.
They admitted their mistake and apologized and corrected it in the next episode. One day, she sent me a message telling me that she knew I was a fan of the show (I follow them on Insta) and she told me about her message to the producers and about how since her mother’s episode had aired, she kept getting messages on social media about people who had watched the show and wanted to ‘yell’ at her mother for what she did.
She was really upset and I agreed with her that the show had made a mistake (they basically showed her as a baby). She basically just wanted to vent, and I listened to her.
Well, now comes this year’s Spotify Wrapped. I shared in my Instastories that my most listened-to podcast was this one.
She replied to my story saying that she did not feel comfortable knowing that I still listened to this podcast after ‘everything’ that they had done to her, and she unfollowed me from everywhere. I feel like a jerk because she says I’m choosing my very own entertainment over her ‘integrity’ (I don’t know which is the correct word here).
IMO, the show has always been very respectful with the victims and all the information comes from the public domain, and I don’t think I’m in the wrong here.
So, AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re not a jerk for listening to the podcast but… I understand where she’s coming from.
In 2004, my friend was jumped at in a small town and the entire thing was a circus. People stalked her mom, her friends, anyone tangentially related to her. The media was absolutely ruthless. The police botched the investigation, jailed the wrong guy, and generally just mishandled the case.
I made the mistake of googling her name once. A true-crime forum came up, full of accusations and speculations, and assumptions about real people I grew up with.
It didn’t matter to the people on the forum that these were real, actual people they were discussing.
The way these True Crime fans gleefully dissected everything they could get (social media profiles esp) in the name of ‘investigating’ was enough to make me side-eye any True Crime fan for the rest of my life.
As I said, you’re not the jerk for listening, especially since that seems to be all you’re doing, but when your life is the one disrupted and constantly scrutinized, her point of view becomes pretty understandable.” rennykrin
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I don’t know that society has really reckoned with the effect that the true-crime entertainment industry has on survivors and victims and family members yet. The worst moments of her life are being broadcast and strangers are bombarding her with messages about it.
It must feel like losing them over and over and over again. Robin Williams’ daughter wrote an article recently about how difficult it was to be on social media and to have the world bringing their grief to her.
So, no, you’re not a jerk for consuming popular media, but she’s a real person who you care about and this media is harming her.
Just imagine how many episodes they’ve done and how many other hurt people there are. Can true crime media be good? Yes, cases have been solved thanks to them. They’ve breathed new life into cold cases and shone a light on shady stuff, but it comes at a cost.” personofpaper
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re entitled to listen to what you want, but by doing so you are supporting the creators of that content. Your friend (former friend) doesn’t appreciate you supporting creators who she feels have wronged her family.
You (apparently) valued consuming that content over not supporting the creators.
I think both positions are reasonable, since this is so highly personal to her, and just reflects that the two of you weren’t that close, and this difference of opinion was enough to sever the relationship.
C’est la vie.” KatsThoughts
4. AITJ For "Ruining" My Wedding Dress?
“I’m getting married next year. One of my older sisters owns a dress boutique and offered to discount my dress for me as a gift. I thought that was so nice of her and picked out my dream dress.
The order is in and I thought that was that.
For background: I’m the youngest in a huge family. I have 4 sisters and two brothers. Dozens of cousins a few years older than me. You get the idea. I’ve always loved hanging out with kids and did my schooling in early childhood development and just started working as a pre-k teacher.
So, as my generation in the family started having kids, I became their go-to babysitter. And I loved it. I love those kids so much. When I met my fiancee, I started getting close with her nieces too. Needless to say, we’re having a big, kid-friendly wedding.
Here’s the problem. I had an idea that my fiancee and I love. After the ceremony, we want to do an activity with the kids where guests (whoever wants to, mainly kids I think will be into it) dip one of their hands in non-toxic ink and put a print on the skirt of my dress.
They get to have some artsy fun and I get to have a beautiful reminder of all the people I love being with me on the happiest day of my life.
I mentioned it to my family while we were visiting, and while some were starting to say it was a nice idea, my sister went nuts.
She started yelling that she didn’t go to all that trouble to get me a beautiful dress just for me to ruin it after basically an hour wearing it. She spilled her coffee all over the floor and stormed out. Now my family is asking me to re-think and say she has a point about ruining the dress.
I don’t know much about wedding etiquette or anything, but I figured it was my dress and I could do what I wanted, but did I do something wrong? She’s really upset and saying she doesn’t want to be a part of my wedding anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ honestly. Your sister is taking a financial loss as a business owner to give you the dress you want at a discount so I can understand why she’s so upset. Yeah, technically it’s your dress and you can do what you want with it.
But this is AITJ and it’s moral judgments, not legal judgments, and it would suck for you to do that. If you want to go through with your plan, you should get a different dress.
Edit: also I’m a fiber artist and your plan is a bad one anyway.
Wedding dresses are pretty much always made of synthetic fibers that don’t take dye well and instead of the cute handprints you’re thinking of, you’re just going to wind up with vaguely paw print blobs that fade quickly.” throwawayimclueless
Another User Comments:
“Light YTJ because thinking through the practicalities of this, it seems more like you’re performatively destroying the dress (look how creatively sentimental I am!) rather than actually creating a nice keepsake. Are you going to have the children write their names next to the handprints?
Also, looking at the dress you linked to, how many kids are we talking about? More than 20? Are they all going to do multiple handprints? This is one of those ideas that sounds cute in theory, but a low number of handprints will look weird on such a long/voluminous dress.
If you want to remember all the children in attendance, there are other cute ways to do that, as others in the thread have mentioned, and would actually create a nicer keepsake. Are you going to display the dress? Or just take it out once in a while and be like aw look at these cute handprints?
Keep in mind destroying it will also foreclose any future family members from using it, which is common reuse of wedding gowns between generations.” KatsThoughts
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I can see your sister’s point of view and that it seems incredibly rude that you would intentionally damage what she considers to be a gift apparently.
Especially given that it’s the wrong kind of fiber for your idea.
On the other hand, it is your dress so I guess you could do whatever you want with it but consider that this does seem a bit rude or ungrateful really.
I had this very same desire to create pretty much the same moment from an event and so I just invested in a large (8′ x 4′) canvas (with the idea that I could have it mounted and hung on a wall in the house later) so that everyone could leave their handprints or write a message on it.
Maybe you can just do something like that which would also make it easier for you to display.” ahender8
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ for reasons others have mentioned (your sister’s taking a financial hit here, etc.) but I also feel the need to mention that this is a bad idea from a logistical standpoint.
You love children and work with them regularly, so you know full well that kids and paint are a messy disaster waiting to happen. Are you getting married at a venue? Good luck getting them to agree to this plan.
Look, you may want handprints on your dress, and that’s fine, but perhaps Little Billy’s mom doesn’t want to risk him getting paint all over his clothes (or her clothes!), so she says no when he asks to dip his hand.
Billy sees Cousin Bobby at the paint station and loses his mind over how unfair it is that he can’t paint, too. Susie’s dad is busy helping her brother put his handprint down and Susie wants to help, knocking several paint dishes over the dress in the process.
Some other kids get into a paint war and run around with blue and green on their fingers getting smears all over the table clothes and guests’ clothing in the process. As a non-familial guest, I would not be thrilled about paint being near my outfit.
Oh, and, how many bathrooms does your venue have so they can all wash the paint off? Have you thought about how long it’s going to take to wrangle every small human to clean them up? I’m all for cute ideas but this is too impractical.” pudgesquire
3. AITJ For Telling My Sister She Can't Bring A Teenager To The Wedding?
“Okay, so my fiancé and I are getting married on NYE this year at 3 pm with a dinner directly after at 4. We have a max of 25 people invited as we wanted only our closest friends and family there. His sister has two teenage kids that we are relatively close with so they were included in her invite but no other children are allowed, and the invitations state this.
This sister has a live-in partner whom she has only been with for a year and that we hardly know, but since he lives there he was included in the invite as well.
SIL texted me last week and said ‘I will have another teenager with me for your wedding so there will be five of us’ I was floored, so I asked who she was referring to.
She then informed me that she and her bf would be traveling to Louisiana and bringing back her bf’s 13-year-old daughter to live with them before our wedding. I told her I would have to discuss it with my fiancé (her brother).
We agreed for multiple reasons that we did not want this person coming to our wedding as we don’t know the girl, we are having a very small gathering, she’s from out of state, and the cost. Sister then replies that we have put her in an impossible situation and she doesn’t know what to do because she doesn’t feel like she can leave this kid home alone on NYE.
So, am I (we) the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“I really think this is a ‘no jerks here’ situation. You made your plans (and budget) for a very small wedding. However, on SIL’s side, their home dynamics have changed. You may not feel you know your partner and his daughter well, but it sounds like they consider themselves to be a family unit.
As such, it does sound quite difficult when one member of the family – who is close in age to invited guests – is being left in the cold as an outsider. That may feel okay to you since she IS an outsider to you, but to SIL this is her stepdaughter.
I don’t think anyone is a jerk here, just trying to navigate a stressful situation. (That said, SIL certainly should have brought up the subject in a discussion with you, rather than just announcing a guest!)” anonymous_cheese
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
This girl is moving in with your SIL and joining this mixed family that she and her partner are building. She’s not some random kid they threw in for fun. And since her teenage children were already invited, I understand why she thought it was OK to casually drop this on you.
And obviously, you have the right to say no, particularly if you truly don’t have the space. But I think you’re going to need to accept that your SIL may not come. It does seem unnecessarily cruel for all of them to go out on NYE without her, even if it was prearranged.” personofpaper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You have presented a classical dilemma, the choice between two options, with none of the results being acceptable. You present that you have a max of 25 people and adding another person would put you over this limit.
It is late in the game and additional people may not even be possible.
But, if you don’t invite the 13-year-old, she is going to spend her time with your future husband’s sister’s partner alone for New Year. The likelihood is that if you don’t extend an invitation then it is likely that the fiancé’s sister, her two kids, and the partner won’t attend.
It is no wonder that you are having difficulty sorting it out.
The only way through this is to look at what does the least amount of damage to family relations, put you in the best light, and escape the whole thing with some modicum of sanity.
So I would suggest that you become the hero. Invite the 13-year-old, you never know she may be a sweet kid or the spawn of the devil. You haven’t brought up any issues with her, just that it is a surprise.
You could express some wistful sadness that this is going to put you over budget, and maybe your partner’s sister will get the hint to set aside a few extra dollars, but I think that this is not about the for you.
Unfortunately, you didn’t make this an absolutely no kids affair, which would make things easier. This will be remembered by the family as you being a gracious bride and welcoming a stranger to your entire family. I think that you would be a good egg to include her, but you would be within your rights to put your foot down.” ForwardPlenty
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – if the third kid was blood-related you wouldn’t be having this conversation if your SIL regained custody. The dynamics in that blended family are complex enough without causing a child to feel like she doesn’t belong to the family unit (ie.
You will make it seem like her dad has a NEW family that she isn’t really a part of). If you want your SIL to come (which I’m sure your future husband would want) you have to invite her entire family not just the ones you believe meet the requirements to be considered family.
If it’s truly about budget and wedding size, suggest all 3 kids can’t come and just your SIL and partner come. That way all the kids in the family are being treated the same way.
If you do as others suggest and uninvite the guy you are asking for trouble at other events and holidays where there is a double standard of who you consider family.
Your SIL is now a parent to this child and her partner is her common-law partner.” Wonderful-Matter4274
2. AITJ For Following The Schedule?
“I work in a restaurant where we have a set schedule so if it says you start at 12 pm you show up at 12 pm.
I was supposed to finish at 11 pm and I had a train to catch about 15 minutes later which means I have to leave when I finish. I had told my shift manager hours before that I’m leaving on time so this was no surprise to him.
I knew days before that we most likely were not gonna be done on time as there was not an appropriate amount of staff scheduled as people got their salary a couple of days ago so we were expecting a lot of customers.
The reason I might have been the jerk is that was because I left my shift manager to close instead and he had to do the same thing yesterday because no one was scheduled to close the station I work in yesterday so he was pretty annoyed at me.
I don’t blame him as he is as much a victim of bad planning as I am but I don’t feel like it should be my problem to deal with the fact that no one can plan a schedule. Most shift managers also expect people to stay and rarely ask, including today.
I have also talked with my boss in the past and asked If we’re obligated to stay if we’re not done and he said no.
AITJ for leaving on time?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Saying right up front that I’ve never been a server and I know that restaurant schedules can be unpredictable, but ensuring that there are enough people working and that all tasks are appropriately scheduled and delegated is the manager’s job.
I mean, was this manager going to drive you home if you missed your train? Pay for an Uber? Employees are still people and if you need to catch a train to get home and your shift is over, then that’s on them.” personofpaper
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, leaning towards a very mild YTA.
If you had to leave you had to leave, but if you’ve worked in a restaurant for more than a day you know that our times are a suggestion, not a certainty.
I’m not saying that’s fair, but it’s the way the industry works and schedules are built with the trust that everyone understands that. Maybe if you’re managing the times are a little more set in stone, but for anyone else when you leave depends on how busy it is.
If you need to catch a train at a certain time then you should have let your managers know that and told them you can’t work closing shifts. It doesn’t make sense that you waited until hours beforehand when by your own admission you knew days in advance.” trashbinfluencer
1. AITJ For Telling My Husband I Don't Want His Sister To Take Care Of My Baby?
“My (25F) husband (29M) and I are planning to have kids and are having a lot of important conversations before even attempting to conceive.
Two big ones have been, who will be in the delivery room, and who will be helping us if we need help once I give birth (babysitting, etc.).
I told him I was only comfortable with him and my mother in the delivery room.
He told me that wasn’t fair because he doesn’t have a mom or dad (both passed away) and he wanted someone there for him. I asked him if he was the one pushing a baby out and then reiterated that this was my decision and mine alone as I’m the one doing the dirty work.
That his only concern should be to support me.
Then I told him I didn’t want his sister taking care of my child alone because she’d be racist, discriminatory, and just overall an idiot. She’s verbally abusive to her own daughters (making fun of their weight and depression) and that I didn’t want unnecessary confrontation when she eventually says something racist in front of my child and I have to reprimand her for it.
I am non-confrontational but some things require a kick in the butt. She also keeps trying to name my un-produced child. And that my mother will be able to help whenever needed IF needed.
He got upset over both.
Am I the jerk?
Quick Edit: His sister was not in his life until mid-late last year because their grandmother passed away. I had met her once due to their father getting sick and being hospitalized about a year into our relationship. She reached out to see how he was taking it since the grandmother raised him after their mom passed when he was 7.
SIL was 20 when she passed and had a family already and was focused on that (no judgment, just a fact). In that call she found out we wanted to move to a different city and she happened to be living nearby so she offered for us to live with her until we could find a place and get settled. We had long convos about that and finally decided to do it as it would only be for a short while.
We paid rent while living with her and helped with the upkeep of the home, and cooking. He feels indebted to her because of this. I’m assuming it’s because it tapped into his abandonment issues regarding his mother’s passing, fathering checking out mentally after it happened, and then losing his grandmother.
OH and may I add, her own daughter mentioned she didn’t want her in the delivery room because she’s ‘shy’. Which I think is code for, my mom sucks butt.
EDIT:
Hey everyone! We had another ~extensive~ conversation about the two topics mentioned and he: A.
Apologized for being insensitive to the medical procedure that is birth and said that he’s fine with not even having anyone come to see the baby on the day of birth (because I explained that since 2020, I didn’t feel comfortable just passing my baby around like a rotisserie chicken).
B. Said he misunderstood me on the not having her care for the baby part. He said he just wants us to include our child when having family events and agrees on his sister’s terrible views. He doesn’t want her alone with our child either.
But now we’re arguing if sending him out for food craving purchases at 3 AM while I’m pregnant is fair and rational. (Obviously, I’m kidding and not that much of a jerk…”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He doesn’t need ‘support’ in the delivery room.
A person you don’t have a tight relationship with does not belong in the delivery room. You’re having too many discussions with other people about the theoretical delivery room. This should be between you and hubby and nobody else. Why does your hubby’s niece even have an opinion here?
You’re right to have this discussion, it’s important, but getting the sister involved and her daughter involved and having conversations about names at this point are all making it worse than it has to be. Calm down, let him ponder what you have said.” noccie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Since your husband is not delivering the baby he does not need support and it’s insensitive for him to think that he should be obligated to have the support there since it is revolving around you. If he needs support he can be with his sister outside the delivery room.
Also, it’s especially insensitive for him to assume to ‘put up’ with the obviously problematic sister just because you guys were able to live with her, while helping, just for that reason. You shouldn’t have to have a relationship with her if you don’t feel it’s appropriate.” Legitimate-Hunter-86
Another User Comments:
“You’re both the jerks.
Look, your husband is being stupid by insisting unnecessary people be in the delivery room. It’s not a place for guests. Frankly, I don’t think it’s critical that your mother be there either. What would be fair would be for neither of you have to a guest and you experience the miracle of your child’s birth yourselves as a couple.
You and the doctors have a job to do and your husband is there to be the main support. Don’t bring along the peanut gallery to watch and CERTAINLY don’t let this become an issue in your marriage.
As for who babysits — good lord who cares right now?
Deal with that when the time comes.
Your SIL sounds like an irritating person. We will have to take your word on that. But apparently, she wasn’t so horrible that you couldn’t move into her house when you needed it. And instead of chalking your husband’s desire to have some kind of relationship with his sister up to ‘abandonment issues’, maybe step back and consider that this woman seems to be the only family he has, and blanket declarations about never leaving his future child alone with her are a little premature.
Sorry, I know you don’t want to hear this, but YOU are creating an unnecessary and hurtful issue where there doesn’t need to be one. Based on what you’re saying your husband has no other close family and I don’t think you’re being sympathetic to that at all, especially considering you did accept this SIL’s offer of shelter when you needed it.
Take a step back, take a breath, show some understanding and deal with the family dynamics later. You have a baby on the way.” Medium_Well
I literally regret 2 people I allowed in the room, under the same pressure of making it "fair". That wasn't fair to me.
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