People Can't Get Over Thinking About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. AITJ For Telling My Partner's Coworkers That My Clothes Are Thrifted?
“I’m really big on sustainability, I don’t buy anything new if I can help it. I love mending and fixing stuff when I can.
I like to dress well, but what I usually do is go to the thrift shop, and buy things that are made with high-quality materials.
Then I tailor and alter the clothes to fit me perfectly, and to be more on-trend.
And honestly, when it comes to looking nice or classy, proper fit and materials, and knowing what silhouettes are in fashion and complement your body, goes 100x further than buying designer brands.
Especially if the designer clothes are mass-produced, not made to fit.
My partner works at a corporate office, and this week he invited me to his company holiday party.
I went to the thrift and bought a green dress, which I tailored to hem it to my knee, take in the waist to cut in at my natural waist, removed the dated ‘bubble’ sleeve shoulders, and made fitted sleeves, and changed the neckline from a cowl neck to a little V.
We went to the company party, and I felt like I’d fit the (unspoken) dress code really well, and I was getting a lot of compliments.
A few people at the dinner asked where my dress was from and I said ‘Just goodwill,’ and people thought I was joking.
I said ‘No literally, I bought this on Monday and altered it just for this party’.
My partner’s coworker’s wife was like ‘no way’ and I took out my phone to show them the before and after, which was honestly a transformation I was proud of since it went from like a 2007 tacky bridesmaid’s dress that fit me like a trash bag, to a really cute perfectly fitted modern dress.
Everyone seemed really interested and was complimenting me or asking genuine questions.
I mentioned during the conversation (it came up naturally but I forgot exactly how) that most of my outfits cost under $10 or $20 excluding shoes, and I feel like I’m still getting better quality than anything retail because there often isn’t the same effort put into workmanship nowadays.
Overall I felt like the party went well, I made interesting polite small talk and didn’t talk for too long.
But when we left the party, my partner was upset with me.
He chewed me out the whole car ride for saying my dress was from the goodwill bins, and all my outfits were under like $20.
I got frustrated and asked him what he wanted to say, people were asking who made my dress and it’s not like I could throw out some designer’s name when it was custom.
He got upset I ‘just kept talking’ about it and I said I was just making small talk, does he think Mike’s wife is getting chewed out in the car for ‘just keeping talking’ about gardening?
He was really frustrated and told me that what I said was different, he had an image to maintain. I was like ‘I’m not gonna be looking any better if you try to put me in mass-manufactured crap, even if it is expensive’ and he got really frustrated.
AITJ for telling people who asked, that my dress was from Goodwill?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Considering that you were getting compliments and had people interested in your ideas, I think you were a credit to your partner and he should have been proud. There’s nothing to be ashamed of about shopping at goodwill and thrift stores.
They have some of the best stuff and repurposing things is a big business. Those corporate people don’t always come from money or had the best jobs so it could have reminded them that they all started somewhere and that there might be someone who isn’t fake and all about the money.
He’s a jerk. You should dump him because he can’t handle someone else getting the spotlight.” Kooky-Hotel-5632
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The two things that jumped to my mind are either that your partner is jealous of the positive attention you got at the party and he feels insecure that you’re more talented than him, or that he has some serious issues with class/money stuff and you two have some big value mismatches.
Only you can figure out which one it is, but honestly, neither one bodes well for a long and happy partnership. You deserve to be with someone who values your skills and interests, and someone who doesn’t care more about external appearances than internal values.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner seems to be under the impression that it’s cheap/embarrassing to thrift and sew when that could not possibly be further from the truth. Having this kind of skill is a lost art; anyone who is actually cool will think it’s awesome that you care about not only sustainability but have also developed the technical skills to tailor old clothes into something fashionable.
Does he usually act this way, caring more about displays of wealth/perceived status than how cool you are? There are other dudes out there who will respect the effort you’ve put in here and think it’s awesome and creative. This dude is embarrassed by who you are and scolded you like a child.
Maybe take some time to yourself and try to pinpoint what exactly he brings to the relationship because you may find the time alone is preferable.” alwaystimeforcake
16. AITJ For Telling Someone That Their Disability Is Not An Excuse To Be A Jerk?
“I (29m) have started a new position at the beginning of November with a decent-sized law firm in my city
Things have been going great up until this week. The first 3 weeks I have been here I have heard lots of horror stories about a member of the office we will call J. I’ve heard that the last 2 people that took this position were basically bullied out of the post by J and that anybody who makes any complaints to HR basically gets told to put up and shut up for two reasons.
Firstly J, despite not being the most popular person in the office, is very good at what she does to the point the company sees her as invaluable and secondly, J is a wheelchair user and is apparently very quick to throw the discrimination card around as soon as something doesn’t go her way.
Another key point to this tale is that I use a stoma bag and have done since I was a baby.
Anyway, this week is the first week I have interacted with J as she was on annual leave for my first 3 weeks with the company.
I was using the disabled bathroom to empty my bag when I started hearing a loud knock at the door. I said one moment and opened the door to a lady in a wheelchair, the infamous J. I was berated for about 5 minutes things such as ‘why is a healthy young man using a disabled bathroom I should be ashamed, etc’ drawing the attention of everyone in the nearby vicinity before she even let me speak.
I eventually got a word in, reminded her that not all disabilities are blatantly obvious, and lifted my shirt up to show her my bag. She went bright red and I got on with my day.
The next day I go to use the disabled bathroom to find a poster on the door saying ‘wheelchair-users only’.
I didn’t make a huge fuss but happened to mention to the colleague across the table from me ‘have you seen J’s latest stunt’. This is the woman who told me to watch out for J initially.
I go home for the day and return the next to an email saying to report to HR as soon as I clock in.
I get in there to be told that I am receiving a verbal warning as my ‘************’ in the office caused a huge bust-up between J and my mentor. J was in the office and smirking all the while. I lost my cool and told J that the only reason she is still in a job is because of how long she had been with the business and that she isn’t going to bully me out of my position like she had my 2 predecessors.
I also told her that I apologize that she has been dealt a bad hand but that it doesn’t give her the right to treat people like trash and that she is no longer the only disabled person in the office so she isn’t going to keep getting away with her stunts.
I then told HR about the bathroom incident and what followed. Eventually, J was suspended pending an investigation
I must admit I felt great on the day but as the week has gone on I can’t help but feel guilty. I wanted to teach her a bit of a lesson and not to put her job at risk in times like we are having (cost of living crisis, etc).
So AITJ?
Update for those that are interested: Nothing official has happened but had a chat with HR strictly off the record. J was suspended as we had offsite visitors in on the day meaning that her sign could have been deemed as bringing the company into disrepute which is classed as gross misconduct.
I said off the record that I’d be happy to drop the complaint as tbh I don’t really want to play the office politics and I’m already over what was said. I also harbor no ill will towards the company as they have been fantastic with me and I can’t blame an entire company for the unauthorized actions of one person.
However, it’s being taken out of my hands as the venue director is getting involved which strikes me as a bad sign for J. For those interested they as expunged my warning so I have a clean slate again.
Whilst nobody is openly celebrating J’s departure as would be a bit classless there certainly seems to be a better atmosphere around the office so I guess that’s a positive.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her disability is not ‘more valid’ than yours, and you are absolutely correct that not all disabilities are visible. I’d argue that needing to empty your bag was vastly more important than whatever she needed to do in, what she thought, was her own private bathroom.
You did not get her suspended, she did that herself when she tried to start a fight in the bathroom. She continues to double down on her deplorable behavior by trying to prevent you from using a stall that is there for people with disabilities.
There is probably a record of her bullying employees, but with little proof in he said she said situations.” Dizzy_Yard7671
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First of all, you were more than generous by actually showing her your bag and ‘proving’ your disability. In your shoes, I would have simply said that not all disabilities are visible and I have a legitimate need to use the bathroom.
You SHOULD have complained to HR about getting harassed for being disabled because that is exactly what J did. The company suspended J because they KNOW the potential liability of allowing an employee to harass another employee BECAUSE of their disability. Furthermore, denying access to reasonable accommodation is not legally ambiguous-it’s a slam-dunk lawsuit.
J tried to create a company policy that ADA only applies to her disability. THAT is why she’s suspended.” veni_vidi_dixi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Being in a wheelchair does not give her the right to discriminate against other people with disabilities. In fact, it’s illegal.
The note she put on the door is illegal, which is why she was suspended pending review.
My guess is that the company has also been waiting for someone such as yourself, with a non-visible disability AND a backbone… who was willing to force their hand.
See, because she is disabled, it allowed her to play that card and call other employees ableists.
She can’t do that with you and in the process, she discriminated against you and forced you to essentially disclose private medical information.
My guess is that she will be terminated.
But if she is not, she will be on very thin ice so do not hesitate to go to HR should she continue her ways.
Honestly, the only mistake you made was not immediately going to HR to inquire about their wheelchair-only disability policy for the bathroom.
Don’t let things like that slide in the future.” The__Riker__Maneuver
15. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Sister's Education?
“So a few weeks ago my family met for a big family dinner. my parents had a hard time. I was the oldest of my siblings and way more successful than my parents.
This was because when the global crisis started and the economy had a huge recession my father who was the breadwinner of the household lost his job.
Since I had a business and worked from home the recession didn’t hit me that hard so I started to support my family financially which included paying for the education of my younger siblings as my parents couldn’t afford that anymore.
I had no problem with that.
Back to the family meeting. besides me, our grandparents, my aunt, and her husband, and my younger cousin came as well. I had a great relationship with all my siblings (I have three) aside from my sister who was the oldest of them.
It wasn’t hate either. we just never really had anything to do with each other and basically ignored each other. Even when I would visit she’d just lock herself in her room while I spent time with my younger brothers.
During the family dinner, she didn’t say a word.
She just quietly sat there and ate her food. She then went to her room and took my younger cousin with her. After we finished eating my brothers ran into their rooms and I followed them. I passed my sister’s bedroom and overheard her talking to my cousin.
She told him how I don’t care about her and that I am an ignorant jerk who only cares about my brothers and that she hated me and wished I would just disappear.
I was sad that she thought about me this way but I wanted to talk to her.
I waited a few minutes so she don’t suspect me of listening before I knocked at her door and asked if we could talk. She told me she doesn’t wanna talk to me. I asked again but she refused. I later talked to my cousin who told me that she has told him that she said the same thing not only to him but to many other people but of course no one said anything.
As a consequence, I pulled the strings and no longer paid for her education. And my parents are furious with me and calling me a jerk for doing so. ‘I would ruin her future,’ they said. I gave her the opportunity to talk to me.
I’d probably even consider paying for it again if she just apologizes and just talks to me about what her problem was with me. I think this is the only way to build up enough pressure so that she finally talks to me. It’s not like I hate her.
I want to teach her a lesson. Some might say it’s probably just her puberty hormones but she behaved this way toward me even before she got into puberty. She always was distant. (by the way, I still continue to pay for my other siblings’ education)
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But this a decision that will make you morally in the right but won’t make you happy.
Your sister lashed out, but this wasn’t your sister picking apart your flaws, degrading you, belittling you, and making fun of everything about you.
That was not the tirade of someone who thinks very little of you or hates you but loves your money; that was the rant of someone who desperately wants your approval but feels rejected.
There is something going on with her that’s making her feel like that.
Maybe she was extremely introverted and was unable to bond with you, but seeing your relationship with your brothers she feels jealous and doesn’t know how to handle that. She could be struggling with some mental health issues. Her sitting in silence at dinner and disappearing doesn’t sound like the actions of someone doing well
If you withhold money, you’ll punish your sister but you’ll prove to her in her distorted lense of herself (that’s colored by self-loathing) that you truly hate her. But honestly, I would not go there just yet. I think you should wait it out, keep trying with your sister, and see if you can get her to open up.
Maybe talk to your parents to see if they’ve noticed any issues with her. Get your mother to try and convince her to open communication. Maybe if you’re up for it see if you can get her some kind of counseling.
But I think you owe it to your own happiness to try and see what’s happening with her.
If you still feel the same in a couple of months you can still cut her off. But I think you’ll regret it if you do this out of anger.” FlahBlast
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I don’t think your sister is a jerk for speaking to a family member she trusts about how she feels.
Ever heard the phrase eavesdroppers rarely hear good things? I also don’t think you’re a jerk for not funding education as it’s not your responsibility.
However, I think YTJ for this: ‘I think this is the only way to build up enough pressure so that she finally talks to me.
It’s not like I hate her. I want to teach her a lesson.’
Don’t use education to manipulate someone into doing what you want. I don’t agree your sister needs to be taught a lesson here; she clearly has a problem with you and she has not been fake toward you (she avoids you).
Either accept it or try to salvage the relationship without using education as a tool to manipulate.” happybanana134
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you don’t say how old you or your sister are, but she’s clearly old enough to learn the lesson about not biting the hand that feeds you.
She’s talking behind your back, saying nasty things and it’s pretty harsh of your folks to expect you to cough up money for her education when she won’t even have a simple conversation and explain what her freaking issue is, to begin with. Let her go a semester on her own and see if she’s willing to revisit the point.
And your folks need to step up and parent, not just expect you to be a doormat for her attitude.” Dipping_My_Toes
14. AITJ For Expecting My Inheritance?
“We grew up fairly poor. My parents divorced young, and neither had money (until dad married a woman more successful after we grew up). There was a period of 6 months where all we had to eat at my mom’s was pb&j and ramen, and I lived in a car.
Dad’s parents made sure we never starved, though. Always knew they were well-off, owned properties around town, and grandpa left good tips. But never saw much of that directly. My usual Christmas gift was a Carhartt coat or less, a couple of hundred bucks at birthdays.
Never asked for much, didn’t want to mooch off grandparents or be seen as a trust fund kid. Worked crappy jobs, but managed to scrape by mostly on my own.
Last 30-odd years, we were told by grandparents, uncle, and dad that after grandparents pass, we three kids would be well taken care of, and we’d have a good amount of money coming.
Always had an idea, since there’s a $100k car in the garage that had my name on the license plate since my birth, but only recently confirmed their estate is worth several million dollars. Dad was given the power of attorney years ago and organized the estate into a trust. He and my uncle are executors of the trust.
Yesterday, dad told me and one sister that he and my uncle will be splitting the grandparents’ estate 50/50, and neither of them will give any of us a dime. He repeatedly denied what they had said our entire lives and said there was never anything set aside for us.
Accused us of waiting for our grandparents to die so we can live off their money, which I found hurtful. His wife owns two houses outright, while my house is on the verge of foreclosure, the car needs the engine rebuilt, I’m $10k in debt, and I need a $25k surgery.
My pregnant sister is crashing on a friend’s couch while trying to find a place she can afford. Even a bit of what she was told to expect would get her out of debt, a place, and help with her kid. Furthermore, both grandparents told us that dad and uncle had already used their inheritance.
Dad had a couple of failed businesses, debt, a Harley, and a hot tub that my grandparents paid for, and they wired uncle large sums of money to bail him out of problems.
We’re angry at dad. We feel he’s lying and screwing us over.
Had we not been told to expect anything, we would never have expected anything, but everybody told us we’d be getting a big inheritance, so it’s infuriating to find out that’s all going to dad and uncle now. Mom verified that she heard the same all these years, plenty set aside for us, we’d be well taken care of, dad and uncle already got theirs.
Dad denies any of that was ever said, calls us jerks for expecting anything. He calls the other sister and convinces her that we’re crazy, money-hungry, and making things up. She’s mad at us, mad at mom for taking our side.
I tried to give dad an out by saying ‘I promise you won’t get screwed, I’ll make sure you get something reasonable,’ but he wouldn’t and kept saying we were the jerks for lying about what he said, we only care about money.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You expected something because you were promised it by multiple people over multiple times.
This sounds pretty tough as you say that your grandad has passed and the estate has passed to a trust as your grandmother is mentally incompetent.
Get thee to a lawyer to find out your options which will vary greatly depending on where you are located.
It sounds like the estate is large enough that will go through probate which means you will see a copy of it after everything is completed. So you could try searching up your grandad’s will. However, if everything went into trust there might not be anything to see.
So you can try searching probate in your area.
If you are not named in the will or the trust there is not much you can do. But if the estate is that valuable, even if you aren’t named, it is worth a consult with a lawyer to get hold of your options.
Just do as much research as you can beforehand.” coffeecoffi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But if your grandparents didn’t have anything in writing you’re kinda sadly out of luck. Money that large isn’t just handed out based on comments they made. Your dad & uncle are jerks but that’s what money does to people.
My grandparents aren’t even dead yet and my uncle and aunt are doing everything in their power to cut my mom out of anything they may leave. I would check with a lawyer to make sure there is a will. Hopefully, there is then you can get whatever is owed to you and cut dad & uncle off after.” EnvironmentalSoil771
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There can be many a slip-twixt cup and lip with inheritances, and it’s certainly not unheard of for one thing to be said, and another to happen, but…
The refusal to show you any papers and the insistence that such a thing was never said is telling.
Talk to a lawyer. Do it now, while your grandmother is alive.
If it was your grandparents’ intent to leave you something, and you believe this intent is codified in a will (and in a large, complex estate it would be weird for it not to be), you are absolutely entitled to what they wanted you to have.
Even if it were not their intent to do so, or they failed to put it into a will, you deserve to know that this is indeed the case, and not have this nonsense weighing upon you. And it is nonsense. If they are not up to some kind of shenanigans (be they large or small), there’s no good reason not to show you papers, and if you are named in your grandfather’s will AT ALL, I believe that you are legally entitled to see it.” pdeb22
13. AITJ For Laughing At My Mum's Face And Calling Her Deluded?
“I (29F) have come out of a long-term relationship after 7 years and 6 years of living together within the last 3 months.
No kids and we weren’t married. The breakup was relatively amicable and smooth. He let me stay in the house until I found another place to live and I managed to move out and into a new place after a month. The house is HIS house.
Only his name and only he paid the mortgage. I never paid anything. I only contributed to bills, food shops, and anything we bought together. I took the furniture items I bought myself which were just a desk, the dining table, and some others and I’m fine with that.
I’ve been sourcing some cheap furniture and stuff at this time. I’ve had no contact with my ex since moving out as everything has been sorted so why would I?
My mum has been checking in on me. This is fine but it seems to be a lot more than normal. She is quite old-fashioned and doesn’t seem to understand how we had an amicable breakup.
She thinks if we were fine for so long why did it end? We just grew apart. It’s kinda annoying but I know she’s doing it from a place of love. My parents were round at my flat the other night. I invited them round for dinner as I wanted to show them the progress I’ve made with furniture.
It’s nowhere near fully furnished, but I’m getting there. Both commented that it was really pulling together and we enjoyed a nice meal. I thought the night was nice until my mum brought up my ex. (I should note my parents have not offered any financial help to me at all nor have I asked. I have been sourcing secondhand furniture from charity shops, social media marketplaces, etc.)
She mentioned that I shouldn’t be buying cheap things secondhand or having to do it over time. She thinks I’m entitled to monetary compensation from my ex due to sharing a house with him. She would not shut up about it even after my dad and I protested and she was annoying me.
and eventually, I laughed and called her deluded thinking I’m entitled to money from a house I paid nothing towards.
Anyway, my mum is annoyed with me. She says she is only looking out for me and that I ‘deserve’ something since I’m now living on my own in a partly furnished flat.
She says until I apologize for my ‘outburst’ she doesn’t want to see me. Dad thinks we are both in the wrong and both need to apologize. My sister says Mum needs to stop being so involved in my business and stop harping on about the breakup.
My best friend thinks mum is just trying to support me but is going the wrong way about it and that my reaction was valid but that maybe I should let it go.
ETA: my dad checks in on me, but it’s a lot more relaxed and normal compared to my mother.
He is quite relaxed and chill. They both love me very much but I do wish my mum could tone it down.
ETA 2: I’m in England. ‘Common law marriage’ is not legally recognized here. I am not entitled to half of anything. Why would I want a house that isn’t even mine?
Or anything else?
ETA 3: my mum knows we broke up due to growing apart. She knows I never co-owned the house or paid towards it so I don’t know why she thinks I’m entitled to money.
ETA 4: I am in the UK. There are no laws or legal rights for unmarried cohabitating couples unless you already have agreements in place such as a cohabitation agreement or if we jointly owned a mortgage.
I also did not apply to stay in the property through a form of the tenancy agreement. I literally do not want money and I’m not owed money.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Good for you for being so mature and level-headed about this breakup.
I get why you were upset with her harping on the idea that your ex somehow owes you and by implication that you can’t rebuild without him so you yelled the truth out of frustration. I agree with your friend and your sister but I think you feel the same after reading your replies.
Your mom is ultimately feeling protective and you are having a much more mature viewpoint. Seriously you sound intelligent and awesome instead of sulking you are taking responsibility for your own happiness and rebuilding in your new place! Good luck it’s his loss.” Imaginary-Fall-7310
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First off, put aside her dated thinking. All breakups don’t need to happen because of mistreatment, disrespect, infidelity, and thoughts of marriage. It’s the same with marriage sans the marriage proposals. Your parents can also amicably separate if there’s no love between them, and you wouldn’t mind.
That being said, calling her deluded probably wasn’t the best way to tell her. What you can do right now is say to her, ‘Mom, I’m sorry I called you deluded, but it was for the right reasons. I’m 29 and this kind of mothering is not good for me.
I’m fine, and I will manage. Just know I love you, but please for the love of God don’t think I’m entitled to have my ex financially compensate me because he’s already done so.’
Make sure that your dad’s present while you say this, but don’t ask for an apology.
If she doesn’t accept your apology or tries to do it again, you can stop talking to your mother because you were right all along.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You sound like you have taken the whole change in your life quite well.
To be blunt, your mom is a bit delusional to think you would have any right to his home since it was his. You clearly stated you did not contribute to the acquisition so unsure where her reasoning would be coming from, other than wanting to protect/take care of her child.
It also sounds like you are kind of good with the distance currently. Stay the course, enjoy the support of your father, and hopefully, she will realize her over-step and chill soon.” Odd-End-1405
12. AITJ For Refusing To Go Out With My Sister While I'm Staying At Her House?
“My sister has just given birth about a month and a half ago and I went over to help her with the baby/house chores since her husband couldn’t take a leave from work.
The problem is, my sister is an extremely outgoing person and loves going to places/trying out new things.
On the other hand, I’m burnt out and all I’m thinking about for an outing is how I will be carrying the stroller across the long metro stairs, the baby needing a diaper change and us running to the nearest toilet, the heavy traffic, the loud noises, in short, I see it as stress and a chore, not something I’d do out of enjoyment.
For several days in a row now, I’ve been holed up in my room and refusing to go out with her while she goes alone. Today, she told me we will just go to the nearest park and that it’s unhealthy for me to stay cooped up in the house all the time.
I declined again and she became upset and said she wasn’t in the mood to go out anymore. She said why I was even over if all I wanted to do was to stay home, that she was depressed and I’m making her feel worse.
I told her she can always go by herself and leave the baby with me but she said that defeats the point of having company.
She grumbled about no one caring about her and went into their bedroom and shut the door. I’ve been thinking maybe I should’ve just sucked it up and just gone with her but I don’t know why she insists on me going out too when I said I’m exhausted.
I don’t know, AITJ?
UPDATE: I tried to knock and talk to her but she still won’t talk to me so I wrote her a letter and slipped it underneath the door. I’m on my way to the hotel until my flight is up (we live in two different countries so sorry, the kind suggestions for coming once a week… etc are impossible.
Once I’m gone I’m gone for a good while.)
Edit to add info: I’m doing all household maintenance and cooking except for folding their laundry, cleaning up their bedroom, or grocery shopping as her husband takes care of these.
Some nights when I hear the baby crying and none of them woke up I go feed him and put him back to sleep.
During the day, we can both be in the house and I’d be the one changing him up sometimes. When she’s out I watch him. When she needs to go to her doctor appointments I go with her and watch him outside. When we went out on outings before, I’d take care of the stroller and carry the bags.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re both obviously stretched thin from a month and a half of infant care. You’re just reacting in different ways. You’re self-isolating, she needs more activity and social. Neither is wrong exactly, it’s just conflicting needs.
Plus, both of you are exhausted and she’s full of postpartum hormones (4th trimester), which is turning this pretty small thing into a big thing.
It seems you’re not capable of being the person she wants you to be right now. Ok. So expectations need to get reset.
You two need to talk about it and figure out where to go from here. You need more regular alone time to recover. That needs to be taken into account. She needs more time with people to thrive. You can’t be that person every single time.
Help her find others to make up for it, while also making the effort to be that person SOMETIMES.” alizarincrimson
Another User Comments:
“NTJ from someone here who is actually a mom. Ignore the ridiculousness of other commenters who essentially expect you to put on some sort of extroverted one-woman show for your sister because that’s what she feels she needs.
You’re helping in the best way you can and doing A LOT around the house. Your sister wants more than you can give. The answer for her, because she cannot get that from you, is to seek that kind of support elsewhere. Mommy and I meet up with groups, yoga classes, community centers, and libraries.” Pharmacienne123
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Honestly, expecting you to go out with her every single day is a touch unreasonable. It is in fact okay that you don’t have the capacity for that. It sounds like you HAVE been stretching yourself to be there for your sister but you can’t be there the way she needs anymore.
Sister isn’t a jerk because she’s just trying to feel human and like herself, but her expectations aren’t really realistic. Nobody can be expected to go out with you every single day even if you are postpartum. Talk to her gently and explain.
Encourage her to reach out to friends. Help her find a playgroup or another way for her to get out with other people. There doesn’t need to be animus and a breakdown of relationship here.” pacazpac
Another User Comments:
“NTJ NTJ NTJ. A thousand times, you are NTJ.
You’re cooking for both of you, cleaning her house, feeding and changing, and watching her baby for her because she’s got post-partum depression, all while freelancing a job. That’s commendable and honestly, I’m appalled people aren’t giving you more credit for that. Your sleep is disturbed your work schedule is upended, and you’re doing that out of the kindness of your heart because you care about her.
It’s okay if you don’t want to go out with her, but I think there may also be a little bit of dependency going on here with her, she’s capable of carrying a stroller or a baby bag but you’re doing it all and watching the kid?
It sounds like you started doing it at first because she was fresh out of the birth but she’s never taken the jobs on since then. If you want to stay and work it out you may want to try delegating more jobs back to her slowly.
Starting with the jobs surrounding trips out. She needs to organize the transport and the stroller and the baby supplies and you need to let her fail if she forgets something or doesn’t plan out what she needs well enough. If you keep doing it she’ll get used to it.
If you are able to hand over more of these jobs to her then that may make you more amenable to going out with her and you could even offer that as a suggestion and say you’ll go out with her x times a week provided she’s responsible for the arrangements and takes on more of the work.
It’s unfair to expect you to essentially act as a parent to this kid and also a cook and cleaner and then accuse you of not caring.
I think she’s making it clear what support she needs now so you need to start dropping some of the other jobs back to her like cleaning or cooking for everyone.
If at any point it seems like the kid won’t get taken care of properly if you left then you need to call in another backup, let the father know, and ask other families to help.” AmbientBeans
11. AITJ For Saying That My Grandma Doesn't Owe My Half-Sister A Graduation Gift?
“So my dad wasn’t really in my life and then he died while I was still a baby.
My grandparents, his parents, were always in my life though, and were always good to me. Mom married her husband when I was 2 and she has my half-siblings who are now 17, 15, and 12. My mom made it mandatory for my grandparents to include my half-siblings if they wanted to be in my life, so they did, though not to the same level.
I graduated high school two years ago and my grandparents spent money for me and two friends to go on a trip and they also bought me a really nice PC as graduation gifts. My grandpa passed away last year. Now it’s just grandma and my half-sister (17) is graduating high school in May and there is a big deal being made that my grandma has not asked her about gifts or anything like she and grandpa did for me when I was in my senior year.
My grandma said she did that for me because I was her grandson but she was never planning to give anything to mom’s other kids. She told mom that she and grandpa even saved money for me to give as a wedding gift in the future.
Mom told her that we wouldn’t stand for it and those kids see her as their grandma and after she let her and my grandpa stay in my life, the least she could do is treat all her children the same and give them the same.
When mom told me I told her I was not mad and I always knew my grandparents only included my half siblings so they could see me. My half-sister then jumps in saying it’s not fair and ***** shouldn’t make me more their grandkid and mom agreed with her.
I told them my grandma doesn’t owe my half-sister or any of my half-siblings gifts and that my relationship won’t change with grandma over this. They told me I was a jerk and that I should be siding with my family, with my siblings, over a grandparent from a deadbeat.
Grandma and I have talked and we’re good. I don’t even live with my mom anymore so I try to just ignore the anger but they definitely take it as me being a jerk to my half-siblings and took offense at what I said so I wanna know AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom really did a disservice to your half-siblings. Instead of simply explaining to them that you have different grandparents and that’s ok, she set them up to believe there was a sincere emotional connection with your grandparents, when in fact they were being blackmailed into including them.
It would be genuinely pretty crushing to discover someone I thought loved me as a child was only including me because my parent forced the issue.
That, however, does not make you the jerk (or your grandparents for that matter). Your mom clearly is the one at fault here.
I’d just encourage you to keep in mind how incredibly trashy this is for your half-siblings.” Gloomy_Ruminant
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom spent 17 years blackmailing her former in-laws, and now that you can see them on your own, the well is drying up.
Too bad, so sad.
As far as your siblings go, if you want to stay on good terms with them, the best you can probably do is simply take the position that your grandparents are adults who make their own decisions, and if they choose to prioritize their biological grandchild, that’s their right.
If they can’t accept that, you might have to go low contact, at least until they grow up enough to realize that the world doesn’t actually work the way their mom tried to make it work.” Material-Profit5923
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It’s astounding to me the number of people that I see on here that do this.
You can’t force a relationship between people when there isn’t one. Your mother is the jerk here as she forced a relationship when there wasn’t one. She literally used seeing you as leverage to get your grandparents to also take the other kids. She no longer has the leverage as you are now old enough to see them on your own.
She should have seen this coming. She literally has no one to be mad at but herself. Had she not forced the relationship the kids would not see your grandmother as being theirs. She made her bed now she has to lay in.” *************
10. AITJ For Kicking Out A House Guest?
“I am recently married and a friend of my husband is visiting from his hometown. Initially, when she called, she said she has an interview on Tuesday and will need a place to stay for a couple of days. My husband informed me after telling her she can stay.
So I didn’t have a say in it. But I was okay.
She comes early Sunday morning and tells me a long list of food intolerances. I have a busy schedule and meal prep weekly. So, I bought all the groceries she needed but asked her to cook her own meals as I may not be able to prepare them as per her specifications.
Apart from this, she had a lot of special requests and complaints. She constantly complains about how cold it is even though it’s not under my control. Our thermostat is controlled by an apartment building. She made me close up all the windows and still complains cool wind is coming from somewhere.
I feel suffocated as I need at least a little airflow I usually keep the kitchen window a little open. And she wants all the lights off at night which is not how I keep them, I have a couple of bed lights in the hallway and keep the kitchen light on at night.
It’s a little irritating that I have to make so many changes to accommodate her and she doesn’t adjust to anything.
After the interview, she came home and informed us that she maybe need to stay a few more days or up to 2 weeks.
I told my husband it doesn’t work for me. I had a busy couple of months and am looking forward to the holidays to relax. My husband told her we have other plans and she needs to look for other accommodations. My husband’s been a little angry at me for making him do that.
She seems to be offended. AITJ?
Update: I chose to have a clear discussion with my husband on this.
He said she was a friend’s ex and they all were at college together so he sort off considers her as a sister. She used to stay in the same city as us before moving back home 2 years back due to health issues.
The ex is still part of our social circle, so I know that’s true.
He said her request came out of the blue and he couldn’t say no at that moment. And he genuinely thought she was going to be there a couple of days.
He also claims that she was not so demanding before and thinks maybe she changed over the 2 years either due to her issues or whatever.
He was aware of the demands and she behaved the same way with him also. I get the feeling that he was surprised at her behavior.
Even said a couple of times she was not like this at college.
However, she said she is looking for a place and she is still here.
Final Update: She has finally moved out today to another friend’s house. I had to clean up a bit after her which made me a bit angry as she didn’t have the courtesy.
I have a fridge full of stuff I don’t eat. She also left a suitcase as her new hosts may not have enough space without asking. This was the worst guest experience I have ever had. I am relieved it’s over.
My husband also feels the same way now.
He is sorry that I had to go thru this for 5 days. We have decided to not entertain her anymore. He also promised to drop off her stuff on the weekend.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She asked to stay for an interview. She had the interview…
She has intensive needs as a guest that literally is in opposition to your needs as a person who lives there or are things you can’t even control (the temperature in your own apartment).
You already did what was asked. It’s okay not to do more… And your husband can be annoyed but honestly, he’s not the one fielding her complaints.” JetItTogether
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The problem is you overaccommodated her and didn’t set immediate boundaries. Instead of buying her groceries, you should have offered her directions to the nearest market. You were kind to her. You also didn’t call out your husband for inviting someone to stay in your home without consulting you.
And when you had enough, they get mad? Something stinks here. Forget houseguest, you need to talk to your husband about why he feels entitled to be mad at you and let him know what he did was disrespectful to you.” NoDaisy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If something like this happens again, let your husband manage his own houseguest. He doesn’t notice how much work hosting her was, because he wasn’t doing the work. It is inconsiderate and devaluing for him to impose a houseguest on you without your prior agreement.
You and he both assumed that ‘hospitality’ is mainly your job in the house. You see how that worked.
Let him be responsible for primarily managing his family, work, and friend relationships. Start noticing when you feel uncomfortable, particularly around your time and effort being assumed to be his resources to assign.
That’s where boundaries for protecting your privacy, safety, and comfort are needed. That’s where ‘You can’t assume that’s okay with me. We’d have to discuss it and figure it out together’.” curious382
9. AITJ For Wanting My Son's Partner To Stop Bringing His Brother Over?
“My son (16) has a male partner (16) that comes over a lot. Almost every day. Apparently, his partner also has to babysit his brother a lot, because he brings the kid with him 2-3 times a week. This kid is ten or eleven.
My son and his partner are usually doing their own thing, and the kid is just wandering around my house.
It’s not like I think the kid is going to do anything necessarily, but he looks super bored, and I feel bad for him. It’s distracting. Sometimes he wanders by my office and asks me what I’m doing, and I try to be nice, but I’m working.
It’s even worse on weekends. Sometimes I leave to go see my partner around midmorning and the kid is lounging in my living room. I get back in the early evening, and he’s still there. So I told my son that I don’t like this.
I asked him to talk to his partner about bringing his brother over less.
Well, my son didn’t like this. He said I just didn’t like his partner and was trying to come up with a roundabout way to kick him out of the house.
That’s not true. I just feel sorry for this kid. Doesn’t he have any friends he could hang out with? Surely there’s a compromise here. But my son thinks I’m being a bigoted jerk.
Info I got from talking to son: No, the parents of the guy don’t know he’s bi, and he doesn’t want them to know.
So I’m not going to mention that if I talk to them. Apparently, the little brother is special needs and can’t be left alone. I was initially highly skeptical of this, as I have interacted with this child and saw no signs of this, but I also can’t think of a reason to lie about that.
So that’s why he’s frequently bringing his brother over because the little kid can’t be home alone, and sometimes the parents are out of the house.
Well, he basically is alone here, because no one is watching him. So I put my foot down and said if the guy brings his brother over, he and my son have to watch him, and if they don’t, the guy has to leave.
Son is mad at me, but he says he will comply. So we’ll see how that goes.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if you don’t like his partner, that doesn’t seem to be what the problem is. This is a weird situation where your son is making your house no longer yours by inviting over not only a significant other but a tag-along child that you, by proxy, have some amount of responsibility for.
Your son is violating boundaries – you’re the parent, you can make the rules. Your son calling you a bigot seems like he’s grasping at straws so that you’ll back down.
I also think that spending that much time with a significant other at 16 is troubling, but that is a separate topic entirely.” embershrub
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Have an honest talk. Sit down with the boys and ask the guy if he is being paid to babysit. If yes, then he is not allowed to be over here on the clock. He is absolutely not watching his brother and you refuse to be responsible for the child.
If he is not being paid, then there is probably a larger issue going on for him at home. Either way, make it clear that the little brother has done nothing wrong. He just has no reason to be there at all, let alone without supervision.
Your son’s partner can just come over when he isn’t babysitting, so your son can get over himself with the bigot nonsense. He is smart enough (I assume) to know better and while his tantrum is fairly age-appropriate, let him know that you expect better than that from him.
A word of caution, having a random free-roaming child in your home for no discernible reason can open all of you up to baseless scrutiny. You don’t know those parents. You do know that they expect? their 16-year-old to frequently act as guardian and to take the kid over to a stranger’s home for HOURS.
If that kid is hurt on your property, you could be in serious legal trouble. If the parents want to CLAIM the kid got hurt on your property, you could be in serious legal trouble. Get what I’m saying?” MixWitch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the guy is supposed to be watching his little brother, that’s exactly what he should be doing.
If the arrangement is too much for him, he needs to talk to his parents. Since your son won’t abide by your very reasonable request, I suggest that you talk to the guy’s parents, assuming you’ve already met them. Explain to them what’s going on and they’ll most likely handle it from there.
Your son will probably be annoyed with you because this could impact the amount of time he gets to spend with his partner, but he brought that on himself. He should have just done what you asked him to do instead of pulling the manipulative ‘you just don’t like my SO’ card.” Mother_Tradition_774
8. AITJ For Turning Off My Location?
“I (18f) and my partner (20f) have been together for 4 months. We met online while I was still living with my parents, but I moved into the university dorms for the first time a couple of months ago.
Since moving into college, I have had a lot of freedom at my disposal. (For context, I was never allowed to hang out with friends, especially if my parents ‘suspected’ them to be queer or mildly countercultural outside of school.
Also, I have a history of being tracked by my parents. So, I never really went anywhere other than school while living at home. Because of this freedom, I was finally able to meet my partner offline!
On our 2nd date, I picked her up at her house and drove up to the city for this concert.
While in line, I realized that my Find my iPhone location was still visible to my mother. My mother doesn’t really check my location as often as she does anymore, but does it on occasion. I turned it off as I know my mother would probably not want me in a city at night.
Fast forward, my location has been turned off since then. I never thought this was a big deal since it had been ages since my mother checked it, and she was generally becoming more lenient with me anyway. I told my parents I would be driving home for thanksgiving on a Sunday.
On Friday, I slept at my partner’s house and was spending the whole day with her on Saturday. I get a call from my mom when I’m with my partner, and as usual, I decline it and plan to call her later in the day.
I drive back to my dorm after that and take a nap. I am woken up by my mother calling me several times, absolutely frantic about practically screaming over the phone that I needed to come home right away. I was very confused. She said that it ‘wasn’t safe’ for me to be there and that I immediately had to pack and go home (I live 30 minutes away from them).
She kept frantically asking where I was and if I was at the dorm, to which I replied of course I was.
I called my dad and asked why she was so frantic. He said my mom found out about me turning off my location and was very worried. He said that she wanted to talk about it with me when I got home.
I had a very bad feeling about this. I was at risk of getting outed, amongst other things. I was afraid that they would find out about all the places I’ve been (just outings to different towns in the area and the major city near us.
No dangerous neighborhoods or unknown areas, no illegal activity). My brain was scrambling for an elaborate excuse to hopefully have this situation blow over. I was able to craft a fake yet believable story and luckily she bought it. Unfortunately, she made me turn on my location again, and after this has probably checked it frequently.
I feel kinda bad that I made her very upset and frantic for my safety. I know for a mother that can be very nerve-wracking and she sounded more afraid than angry. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Individuating from your parents and creating boundaries that they now have to adjust to is part of becoming an adult.
The amount of control your parents have over you is not normal, nor is it sustainable for your mental health and well-being.
You don’t sound particularly rebellious, and I don’t know the details of your situation, but it’s time to start rebelling against their control.
You’re old enough to vote, start a family (I wouldn’t suggest this), and die for your country.
At your present age, your parents have no right to your privacy. They have no say in who you date. The extent to which they control your life from now on is dependent on how much you let them.
It’s really important for you to start asserting yourself as a separate adult person from your parents. This will make coming out to them when you’re ready so much easier.
NTJ. Your gay internet uncle.” garthastro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Turn the location tracker back off and let your mom know that at any time if she is worried about you she can text you and ask ‘are you safe?’ And that when you see the text you’d be happy to answer ‘yes, I’m ok’ but that she needs to also recognize that she should not get frantic unless it’s been more than a day and you haven’t responded because people sleep, go to the movies, or just have times where it’s inappropriate and rude to be texting and checking a phone.
Tell her you will not constantly tell her where you are because if what she cares about is your safety then saying you are safe answers that. She doesn’t need to micromanage your movements and you need to be able to be an adult and learn responsibility and how to take care of yourself.” breathemusic14
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re an adult hiding the fact that you’re gay and have a life from your parents. The way I see it there are two major factors here:
You’re an adult who doesn’t live with them anymore. They don’t get to force you to keep location tracking on your phone anymore.
That’s controlling behavior unless they have like a good reason to do it, and vague worries about safety don’t count.
You have to hide that you’re gay from your parents. They have failed as parents. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Things that would normally be jerk moves can be ok when done to hide things like this from bigoted parents. And beyond that, you’re having to hide normal age-appropriate social activities. They’re just asking to mess you up or wind up with you leaving your phone behind so the tracking says you’re fine.” nikkitgirl
7. WIBTJ If I Give My Daughter's Car To Her Brother?
“My daughter (E22) took my son’s (P21) car without asking to run an errand. It was raining, and she hydroplaned into a fence and totaled the car. This is her 3rd car to be totaled, 2 her fault and 1 the other driver’s fault. All the cars are in my name and were purchased by me and hubs.
We also pay for all maintenance and insurance. She is offering her savings of 10k towards replacing his car but with the cost of cars an equivalent will be upwards of 20k and insurance surely won’t pay out enough to cover the gap in cost.
My hubs and I share a car. It’s a 13-year-old car with 220k miles. It’s in decent condition just approaching the end of life for a car. We planned to buy ourselves a new one with his next bonus in March. If we replace my son’s car, we won’t have the money to replace our car.
We are considering giving my son her car, giving her our car, and going ahead with purchasing us a new car. We would continue to maintain all the cars and insurance for them. When all of these accidents come off her record (or if the older car dies), we would help her get another car.
This one would be in her name and she would then be responsible for insurance and maintenance.
WIBTJ for taking her car?
Edit: At our house, it is not uncommon to take whatever car is sitting at the end of our driveway. Although we usually all make the effort to ask, she didn’t and that was my reason for opting for this as a possible punishment.
My son thought it was really funny you all wanted her charged with theft! Lastly, there are too many nuances around her ‘accidents’ to fit within post limits but she is not a menace on the road. This was also not the only consequence she is to face, it was one of a list that she fully agreed to and accepted.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for giving your son a car that your daughter was using since you own it and she is responsible for a car she totaled after she stole it.
But you are truly an idiot for giving ANY car to someone who has totaled 3 cars in a relatively short period of time.
I have been driving longer than your daughter has been alive and I have been in one minor accident when I was hit from behind.
Your insurance is going to reflect the high rates of your daughter and if you don’t declare her as a driver then insurance wouldn’t pay ANYTHING when she gets into her next accident.
You would be liable as the owner of the car and that could include serious damages if she injures or kills a person in her next accident.
If she wants to drive a car, she should buy a car – pay for her own insurance, and then perhaps she will be a safer driver.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ if you gave your son her car. She has shown you 3 times that she does not understand the responsibility that comes with operating a motor vehicle. FULL STOP. The third time is the charm. Your plan of giving your son her car, you getting a new car and her getting your old one is very sound.
She isn’t going to like it but her other alternative is to go out and buy a car on her own which she will be 100% responsible for (gas, insurance, maintenance, etc) Do not help her with any of the costs because this will enable her to not be responsible.
Since you live in a rural area, the emphasis on her being responsible is increased exponentially.
SIDE NOTE: why are you still bending over backward for a 22-year-old adult? She needs to learn to be on her own.” shclapstik
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The cars are in your name so none of them are technically her car.
She’s lucky to still be driving one of them and not have to pay her own insurance. With the level of irresponsibility she has shown, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to reassign the car she drives to your son, hand off the beater to her, and buy a new one for you and your husband.
You could always sell the beater and let her use her own money to get a car more to her liking. If you and she are on the title, you should be able to insure it on your policy.” DangerousDave303
6. AITJ For Telling My Kids' Mom To Get Over It And Move On?
“I (36M) have two kids with my ex-wife, ‘Sarah’ (35F), a 9M and a 12F.
My ex and I have always done our best to be good co-parents for our kids. We are, what I call, ‘professional friendly’, and never really have a problem switching up the custody schedule to accommodate each other. We have 50/50 custody. I have been with my fiancé ‘Emily’ (37F) for a few years now.
My kids adore her, and she absolutely loves them. Sarah and Emily get along pretty well, there has never really been any tension or anything when they are around each other.
Emily and I were throwing a get-together for people, which included some of my family.
Since Sarah still gets along quite well with my family, we invited her so she could see them. At one point, Emily was across the room from me, and I saw my daughter go up to her and whisper something in her ear. Emily just nodded and led my daughter out of the room.
They came back later and that was that. After the party, privately, Emily told me that my daughter had gotten her period for the first time right then. Of course, Sarah and I had already explained everything to her about all of that, so she wasn’t freaked out or anything, but she had just asked Emily to come to help her take care of everything since it was her first time.
Well, when my ex-wife heard about it she was mad. She was so offended that our daughter had gone to Emily instead of her. Emily told me (privately) that my daughter said that she went to Emily instead of her mom because she knew that Emily would keep it private and not draw everyone’s attention at the party.
My daughter said that she couldn’t be sure that her mom would do the same. (Her mom doesn’t always handle things in the best way, and I could totally see her not just quietly slipping out of the room). Emily felt bad that Sarah was upset, but she was just trying to keep my daughter comfortable.
I told Sarah that I’m sorry that she was upset, but that Emily was the one my daughter chose to go to, and that Sarah should be happy that there are two women around to support my daughter. Was I in the wrong? AITJ?
Edit: I’ve seen a couple of people say that I shouldn’t have told Sarah the real reason why my daughter went to Emily.
I didn’t tell her, my daughter ended up telling her after the fact. My ex-wife then came to me angry.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. This is super wholesome and I want to congratulate Emily for being an awesome adult that children feel comfortable confiding in.
Cherish that. I hope Sarah can get past her jealousy and figure out how to be as supportive emotionally so the kids can trust her as much. I’m sure it doesn’t feel good. But the fact that you’ve all been able to work things out so far is a good indication that she’ll be able to make peace with it.
You’re doing the right thing by being supportive of your daughter’s healthy choices. Now, you can also encourage Sarah to build further trust with her by respecting her boundaries. She’s done a pretty darn good job so far – make sure she knows that, too.
She just has this one area that could use some work.” BlueGoldstone_184
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sarah seems to have a history of divulging private information in inappropriate ways and your daughter knows this, and wanted to avoid it. She went to Emily because she knew she was safe to go to Emily, and not Sarah.
If Sarah wants the kids to come to her about personal things, then she needs to learn to keep that information to herself and not blurt it out to everyone. She is mad at you and Emily for her own flaws that she needs to work on, a flaw that would be fairly easy to fix, but would rather get mad and blame others than take responsibility and fix the issue.” Hyperion_Heathen
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Emily acted perfectly in accommodating your daughter and making her feel comfortable. You supported your fiance and you’re right, it is amazing for your kids to have 2 mother figures that love them so much.
However, a girl getting her period is a ‘first’.
I imagine your ex thought that it’d be something that she could experience with her only daughter. Just like you’d get upset if you missed the first time your kid walked, or said a word, etc. – she is upset for missing a first, and I get why she’d feel insecure about her relationship with your daughter vs.
Emily’s.
I think it’d be nice if you try to have your ex look at it from another perspective. Sometimes, at the moment, when we’re going through something, it’s easier to confide in someone that we consider as being outside of the situation. Your daughter not going to her mom might actually stem from the fact that she was overwhelmed and needed to vent her feelings with someone whom she trusts and loves, but also is more detached – Emily.” that_sd_girl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the kids’ mom is just jealous and apparently is known for embarrassing the kids so the kids just trust your fiancé more when it comes to some things which are normal. Maybe your ex-wife could maybe look into therapy and get help on working through her feelings and co-parenting, because while it’s normal to feel jealous you also have to be careful how you act when jealous because it can come back and hurt the kids.
I mean emotionally not that their mom would hurt them, but kids can pick up on a lot so if your ex is all crabby and jealous the kids can pick up on that and start acting out themselves heck a friend of mine his relationship with his stepdad was strained for years because of his father’s jealousy.” Newfie1313
5. AITJ For Not Being Excited About My Wife's New Career Opportunity?
“I am a Software Developer that lives in a smaller town in the Midwest, there are not a lot of good-paying jobs for me in my area. Recently I have had several opportunities out on the east coast that offered way more salary than I will ever make currently and one was my dream job.
I had to decline them because my wife doesn’t want to move.
When I present to her that it will be hard for me to find work here if anything happens and my career opportunities are nonexistent here. She disregarded it and said ill have to figure it out and at one point said I can work at Walmart until I figure something out.
Now she has a career opportunity and keeps talking about how many opportunities she’ll have there and wonders why I’m not ecstatic for her. Am I a jerk for feeling like my career is getting ignored and not really caring about hers anymore?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
That said, it doesn’t seem like you’ve had a real conversation with her about this. You are quietly simmering in resentment about it. You need to have a very frank conversation with her and you need to be willing to make hard choices based on that discussion.
I’m not immediately in the ‘get a divorce’ crowd here although the Walmart comment is super off-putting and dismissive of her.
It seems to me that, after your discussion, you will have to accept that either your career path should change or that your relationship may have to end if you are both going in different directions.
Unless she were to change her mind about moving, which seems extraordinarily unlikely, then the two of you moving together to the East to pursue your career ambitions is not going to happen. So, you will either do so alone or you redirect your career focus into an area that is more friendly to devs who WFH.
As I said above, hard choice but you need to accept that you are at that crossroads. The worst thing for you will be complacency. You will never be happy in your relationship or your career if you don’t accept that you have the decision to make based upon the conversations with your wife.” S******************4
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You want different things. She should of course support your aspirations, but that doesn’t mean she must be expected to uproot her life and move for you either, and she clearly doesn’t want to.
It’s odd that you say you’ll have no opportunities where you are because Software Development is one of the most flexible fields you can work in in terms of location with so many jobs that are fully remote.
You sometimes don’t have to be in the same country as your employer, never mind the same region. And companies are pretty much permanently hiring.
I think sooner or later you’ll have to face the fact that your aspirations conflict.” fromitsprison
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but… where do you see this going?
She doesn’t care about your career, which makes you resentful of hers. She refuses to move anywhere that will allow you to get a decent job, which makes you resentful again. This is completely understandable by the way, but how did the two of you end up here, if not by being absolutely allergic to any discussions of the future?
A successful marriage requires compromise, yet the two of you are stuck in ‘my way or the highway’.” JustASW
If she does get a good career going, will she hold her money over ur head? She's already exhibited selfishness so that's something to think about.
4. AITJ For Uninviting My Dad And His Wife From My Wedding?
“My mum and dad separated when I was 6, and the next year he’d met ‘Sam.’
Sam is great, especially to child me because she was so much fun! She was always taking me to parks or shopping, always buying me things and even now as an adult we spend a lot of time together (more than I have ever done with my mother).
I chalked that up to Sam being a bit younger, not that much but people age differently.
I was always under the impression that when they met Sam was 26 or 27 when my dad and she started going out, and since my dad would’ve been 38 reflecting it’s still iffy but she was an adult.
They’ve been together for 16 years now, had my two younger sisters who are 14 and 7 and seem very happy.
To cut to the story short because of word count I’d been with my family when my aunt mentioned celebrating Sam’s 36th birthday… it would’ve been the first birthday in 16 years we celebrated, I did ask what?
She’d be 43, thinking it was harmless confusion but nope, my dad admitted that he’d lied to me and my mother knowing we wouldn’t approve/would find it gross.
In the heat of the moment, I did uninvite them from my wedding for lying to me/plus I think it’s gross.
My dad says 16 years on I can’t make that judgment, I’d be a jerk for that reasoning and he’s sad he won’t see his only son get married… Sam is upset because she thought we ‘were closer than that’ my partner wants to invite them for peace…
AITJ?
I’m not upset with Sam, she’s a mother figure to me, at my age wouldn’t date someone that’s 20.
I do not have a good relationship with my dad to begin with, not for any particular reason he’s just controlling such as dictating where I could go up till I moved out, I recall him telling Sam who she could speak to/be friends with… this lie, firstly makes me see him in a different light because it’s gross + who lies about something like this?
What’s the point? Why lie to me? What else has been a lie?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Lying to someone for that long is a jerk thing to do. Lying is the main issue.
They fabricated an age, ONLY FOR OP AND MOTHER, the rest of the family knew her real age.
This isn’t a white lie, this is a complex one that everyone hid from OP. That opens a huge insecurity up. I’ve watched what a lie like this does especially when a whole family is in on it. And the skeletons in the closet that tumbled out because of ‘if they lied this long about it, what else did they lie about?’ OP is not the jerk in this situation.
Emotional, however not the jerk.
Talk to your partner first. It’s not the ages, it’s the fact your entire family lied to you and your mother for 16 years, knew they were lying, and kept it up. They kept it up until you were of age and then kept it going until someone slipped up.” Apprehensive-Two3474
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I think I might be the only one voting this way. But come on man. So your dad lied to you about the age of his partner 16 years ago. Number one, he was right, you’re judging him for her age now, imagine how you would’ve reacted then.
Also, sounds like you never really pressed for info then or in the 16 years since. Doesn’t seem like he has been lying to you every year since then, sounds like he fibbed at the moment, and then it never came up again.
Number two, for Pete’s sake they’ve been married for 16 years.
It’s not like he is bringing some young fling to the wedding. She’s the mother of your teenage siblings.
Your wedding is a celebration of your relationship with your spouse, don’t turn your wedding into a tool of punishment for your dad. That’s not how you want to remember it.
And are you gonna cut this whole family out of your life forever over this? If not, you’re gonna constantly be reminded of how you overreacted.” Griffin880
Another User Comments:
“The reason this is upsetting is that it’s gross and predatory for a 38-year-old man to date a 20-year-old (plus we now need to question when the relationship started).
This would mean that you see Sam not as the perpetrator, but as the victim.
Sam has always been great to you and you get along with her.
Your dad has never been great.
Based on these facts, there’s no reason for you to be upset with Sam.
There are many reasons to be upset with your dad.
I think that should be the starting point.
I would take Sam out to lunch and talk it out. Tell her you love her as a family member and that it’s upsetting to know she might have been manipulated into an inappropriate relationship with an older creep.
Tell her that you trust that she’s now a fully formed adult and can be the master of her own life. This means you’ll accept if she tells you she’s happy and you’ll support her if she ever wants to leave him. Tell her you’re likely to never look at your dad the same no matter what and that she shouldn’t take that personally.
Then deal with your dad however you see fit. You can cut contact, talk to him, uninvite him from everything, give him dirty looks forever, whatever you want.
Then you let them live their lives and set your own boundaries.
NTJ, but don’t let this escalate.” ughwhyusernames
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
If Sam is a mother figure to you and you have a tolerable relationship with her, then uninviting her was a bit drastic. Your dad… if your relationship is tolerable and he would have been included had you not known, then yes, uninviting him is a bit drastic as well.
You hurt their feelings over something they did that did not harm anyone involved.
It sounds like they both care about you and want to be there.
Not inviting parental figures to your wedding is a big deal, and would harm your relationship with them.
You don’t like the lie. Understandable. Is it worth your relationship? Basically, what do you lose by having them attend, and what do you lose by not having them attend?” cleaningmama
3. AITJ For Threatening My Mom That I'd Live With My Dad Full-Time?
“My (16F) parents have been divorced for 6 years.
I don’t know why, and neither will tell me. My mom remarried 4 years ago and my step-dad has 3 kids (14F, 11M, 9M). I alternate weeks between my parents, but I’m closer to my dad. I also don’t like the steps that much, so when I’m at mom’s I mostly try to stay out of the way and do my own thing.
My mom has been trying to make everyone get along for years but it’s not working that well.
My dad is pretty well off, but my mom and stepdad aren’t so the kids get mad when I have nicer things that they want or get to do things they can’t.
My mom has asked my dad to let them come along before and he refused, which I’m fine with because I kind of just want to get away from them when I’m not at mom’s. It’s a big issue for all of them though so I leave most of my nice stuff at my dad’s and don’t talk much when I’m at mom’s because they always find something to fight about.
This year, my dad’s side of the family isn’t doing a big get-together for Christmas so since this is my year with him he suggested we go on a trip to Europe. He has business to do for one day, but we would vacation a week together after and spend Christmas with a friend of his in Sweden.
I’m stoked, but my mom and stepdad don’t want me to go. I won’t be close enough to stop by on Christmas and they’re not going to be able to afford to do much for the kids so my going on an expensive trip when they’re mostly getting clothes and stuff will upset them.
I told them to just not tell them then and I’ll Zoom on Christmas, but my stepdad got angry and told me I’m selfish. My mom called my dad and fought about it, but I’m still going to go.
For the last two weeks, my mom has been hardcore trying to find any reason that I can’t go and bring it up anytime we talk.
She went through my room while I was at school and she says she was looking for a piece of jewelry, but I think she was looking for my passport and stuff (which is at dad’s). She tried to guilt me about not seeing my grandparents.
Just on and on and I got tired of it and told her that if she doesn’t stop I’m not coming over anymore and live with dad full time.
My stepdad hit the roof and yelled at me for threatening my mom and always letting my dad buy me off with expensive stuff.
My mom won’t talk to me. My dad said he wants me to have a relationship with my mom and to go easy on her, but it’s up to me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – They are trying to manipulate you to stay and when that didn’t work they wanted to steal your passport.
This is not how an adult behaves especially since these are things that have nothing to do with them. Their behavior is only going to get worse as you get older.
I understand your dad wants you to have a relationship with your mom but you can’t have a relationship with someone who is jealous of you.
Look into your state or province’s laws. At 16 most children can decide who they want to reside with. If not you can go back to court to modify the custody and placement order. This would be the most drastic step but you can’t allow them to bully and manipulate you.’ Typical_Agency8984
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to discuss with your dad how bad it is becoming at your mum’s place, it’s not about not seeing her – but not being screamed at and punished over doing things with him. Let him know how aggressive they are being about it and that you have already taken steps to leave behind the nicer things he gifts you with, to prevent fights over at your mum’s place.
That your stepfather is yelling/screaming at you because you finally spoke to your mother about her aggressive actions of trying to sabotage your upcoming trip with your him. That it is becoming so hostile you would rather stay at his house primarily and visit with your mother without your stepdad being around, threatening you.
But right now that is a moot point as your mum is refusing to speak to you about anything.
Don’t assume your dad understands how hostile the environment is at the moment, let him know you are feeling very attacked and unsafe at your mums for the moment.” gemma156
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mum has tried to force you to blend into her family with her husband and his kids, instead of getting to the root of why you don’t like being around them. You’re already not taking stuff over from your dad’s so they don’t complain and keeping to yourself to avoid arguments, so I can see why you prefer your dads.
Your dad isn’t obligated to take his ex-wife’s new stepkids on trips or buy them things, I think if you wanted them to tag along he would do it for you, but YOU don’t want that either. She is not respecting any of your wishes about the whole situation, not just things coming Christmas.
You can call your grandparents and see them when you’re back, tell them about your trip and stuff.
Try talking to your mum alone, without your stepdad and kids. Why should you miss out? Will you be expected to turn down other opportunities you get that they won’t?
Fair isn’t always equal, and she’s not being fair to you.” HunterDangerous1366
2. AITJ For Causing My Neighbor To Miss Her Flight By Not Taking Her Parcel?
“My neighbors across the road, Kate and Dean (mid-20s) have split up and are selling their house.
Their split hasn’t been good, they’re taking in turns staying at the house until it sells.
As I’m currently home on maternity leave, I often take parcels in for them. When it’s Dean’s week he will come over as soon as he can to collect and apologize for the inconvenience.
He will also take Kate’s parcels over to the house. Kate however has a history of being a pain. If a parcel for Dean comes on her week she refuses to take it in. If a parcel comes for her, she doesn’t come over to collect it.
We have to take it to her, but she often won’t answer the door because she doesn’t like to when home alone. My partner and I decided we were going to stop taking anything in for Kate, only for Dean.
A parcel arrived for Kate yesterday.
She wasn’t in and the delivery guy tried to leave it with me. I refused to take it in so it went back to the depot. Turns out it was Kate’s passport which she had left the last time she was visiting her mum. It was in a box and couldn’t go through the letterbox.
Kate was meant to be going on holiday early this morning but now isn’t able to as she couldn’t get her passport in time. Kate’s furious that I’ve caused her to miss her flight and has been calling me a witch as she assumed I’d take it in until she saw the card saying it had gone to the depot.
She has been complaining to my other neighbor, he doesn’t like her and thinks it’s funny that she’s not learned her lesson as she kept refusing to pick up parcels they took in for her. He stopped after breaking his wrist and slipping on ice last year taking her parcel over.
Now it’s Dean’s week, he’s been over to ask if I could take a parcel in for him, and he apologized for Kate’s behavior.
I feel bad that she missed her flight. Am I the jerk?
Edit: We didn’t tell Kate that we weren’t taking any more parcels in.
I had only started doing it to be neighborly as I was home. When my partner lived here on his own, he was never home during the day to take parcels in. We never had an arrangement with them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you shouldn’t feel bad.
Kate’s own behavior has led to this point. You have been doing her a favor and she acts like you are paid help.
Sadly instead of learning her behavior has consequences she has instead become more entitled.
Next time she rings to rant, tell her you have a parcel for Dean which may be his passport too, and for him to pick it up at his convenience, whilst she is huffing and puffing at the shock, put the phone down and laugh for the rest of the day!” TheVoiceofOlaf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It is entitled of Kate to assume you will accept parcels for her when she makes no effort to return the favor or even make it easy on you by coming to collect them rather than assuming you will be running back and forth checking whether she is in.
Just as notably, it is stupid of her to just assume you will be available to receive an important parcel for her – she doesn’t know whether you purposely refused the parcel or just missed the delivery because you were out or didn’t hear the doorbell… You cannot be expected to be available and waiting without having at least been asked first.” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not leaving a note on her front door informing her that you would not take in her packages anymore.
You set a behavior as okay by allowing this package-receiving thing to start in the first place.
I think you got what you wanted in a pretty passive-aggressive way.
It sounds like her attitude has been bothering you for a while and you could have told the soon-to-be ex that you would no longer do this chore for her and continue the practice with him only or given him a note with the info to drop to her.
I don’t think you are the jerk for stopping this process with her only. I do think the way you went about doing it was not the right way. So yes OP YTJ for causing your own drama.” BodyDense
1. AITJ For Not Responding To My Wife's Complaints?
“My (33M) wife (32F) is a chronic complainer, she complains about everything that annoys her, even the slightest bit.
We joke that she needs to find a way to make it a career because she’s so good at it.
She’s hungry? She will not tell you, she will complain about it.
The heating is too low? She will not say it, she will complain about it, and so on.
I’m already used to it, we’ve been together for 12 years, and married for 5. Frankly, I do not mind at all, and I’m happy to be someone she can vent to.
This was never an issue until this Monday.
We’re on hybrid mode – 1 or 2 days at the office, the rest at home.
We go to the office on different days so there’s always someone at our place.
So this Monday my wife went to the office while I stayed home. She had barely arrived there and she already sent me a text about a smell in the building’s parking, then about her being the one who always made coffee.
I usually try to respond to her stuff like ‘man that sucks,’ or if I can I may suggest something like ‘this seems to be happening too often. You should talk to your team and make up a calendar to share the coffee responsibility.’
The day went on, and things started to go south at my job. I had to jump on a Teams meeting to investigate and solve a problem, it was an urgent matter, and we were all focused. Meanwhile, I noticed the usual notifications about her texts on my phone, complaining about something.
I opened the texts just to see if she was ok, but I didn’t reply to any of them since they were all about loud coworkers, endless meetings, the jerk who doesn’t lower his phone’s volume, etc.
By the time we were able to solve the problem, the day had gone by and my wife was already at home.
I saw her and said, ‘Hey sorry I didn’t reply to your texts, work was a mess today’. She then started bashing me for ignoring her texts and not even acknowledging her. I said this wasn’t true, I did see her texts but I was unable to reply.
She pushed the subject and told me I was a jerk for not even replying with a ‘Sorry I can’t talk right now’. I said I was in a meeting all day long and really couldn’t do it. She said whatever, and she would find someone else to vent to if I’m going to ignore her.
I got angry and – this may make me a jerk – said that I’d put up with her constant complaining for years, I was always there to listen to her vent, and for the first time in our relationship I couldn’t reply to one of her office naggings, so if she wanted an exclusive listener for her, she should be paying me a salary so I can give her all my attention.
She went silent, and I could see she was hurt. Yesterday I tried apologizing, to which she just replied ‘Whatever’, and she’s been distant since then.
I may have reacted harshly and I feel bad, but I don’t think I was unreasonable by ignoring her texts.
AITJ for not replying and for the way I reacted?
EDIT: I’ve never said her complaining was getting on my nerves – not true, not at all, I actually like to be the person she vents to.
The language might have been the issue here – we don’t speak English at home, so I tried to translate here the best I could, but terms like ‘put up with’ or ‘nagging’ seem to sound way worse in English than in our language.
However, I do realize that my reaction might have come across as something like ‘I’m done with your nagging after all these years.’ And I absolutely did NOT mean that – my reaction was due to frustration. Basically because after being a good listener and supporter for her, I get called a jerk after not replying to her texts for the first time.
I’m definitely going to speak to my with tonight and assure you I did not mean this, and I’m confident we’ll be able to work this through.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I actually would encourage you to continue ‘ignoring’ her constant complaining. All that complaining is attention seeking, and your constant sympathizing is reinforcing this bad behavior.
When she has a valid complaint, it is certainly your job to be supportive, but the best way you can support her is to make her see that constantly complaining is only depressing her. I would approach this by ‘rewarding’ positive behavior, celebrating when she doesn’t complain about something or finds something positive to say about something, and more ignoring the complaints.
You will both be happier for it.” Jellissimo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you have ‘put up with it’ for years and never told her it bothers you then you blowing up like that is going to be really traumatic for her. Because she thought you were her safe person and it turns out you weren’t the whole time.
I am not saying you did not do what you needed to for you, and you both NEED to have a fully open and honest conversation about it. You should have responded to let her know you could not talk because again to her, YOU were the one acting out of the ordinary.
She didn’t know there was anything going on or different. Your reaction was normal and the natural result of trying to repress it for over a decade. So y’all both need to address it together and figure out a solution together. But from her perspective, YOU were the one who acted out.
Neither of you was in the wrong, but you were wrong. An enabler is not completely innocent, and I say this as someone who has been in that situation before.
My SO and I had to have the same conversation. Now we have completely open and honest conversations more often and neither feels hurt or stressed most of the time.
Don’t be a martyr, be a partner. Call her on her crap but in a supportive way.” Alarming_Reply4394
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Just because you usually have time to listen and respond to her doesn’t mean that sometimes, something comes up that means your attention is needed elsewhere.
I’d be mad if I was in your shoes, for years you’ve been moral support when she has a bad day (which basically sounds like every day) but the one time you have a bad day she doesn’t encourage you to vent and complain? Or be your sounding board?
Or be a source of comfort for you?
She is painfully self-centered and unsupportive.
If she is not going to give as much as she receives, then I would scale back my support to the same effort that she gives you, (which sounds like nothing)
Also if she is that angry about every tiny little thing that goes on in her life and complains constantly maybe she would benefit from some anger management therapy?” mythicalkitten
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I don’t care how focused you were, you could, in fact, have sent a ‘hey, work is blowing up, can’t talk’ text.
It’s fine if you choose not to, it’s not fine to claim that you ‘couldn’t.’
But to be honest, the main problem is that you’ve been lying to your wife for years. You had a problem with this behavior for twelve years and said nothing.
‘Frankly, I do not mind at all, and I’m happy to be someone she can vent to.’
‘I got angry and – this may make me a jerk – said that I’ve put up with her constant complaining for years, I was always there to listen to her vent, and for the first time in our relationship I couldn’t reply to one of her office naggings, so if she wanted an exclusive listener for her, she should be paying me a salary so I can give her all my attention.’
See the contradiction here?
You had twelve years to set a reasonable boundary on how much of an emotional dumpster you were willing to be. Instead, you chose to swallow it all until you exploded. Not fair to you, not fair to her.” Cent1234
