People Would Like To Get Opinions On Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
21. AITJ For Pretending Not To Know Who Jesus Is To A Bigot At The Bar?
“I have hearing damage in one ear, and I sometimes have trouble hearing stuff the first time, depending on if it’s on the side with my bad ear.
I also started a new job recently and went out for the first time with a bunch of coworkers. After a few drinks, this guy I didn’t know came up to me at the bar, which was pretty loud and crowded, and said something to me that I only half-caught, but I could tell the vibe of it was that someone had a problem with me being gay, and he’d suggest I don’t go saying that I’m gay around work.
I figured he was doing me a solid. I am a lesbian in a state that’s not too friendly to that, and often at a new job, someone will pull me aside and warn me who the bigots are at the office. I always appreciate it because, honestly, that whisper network has saved my butt a few times.
But I didn’t really hear the name he said, so I went, ‘Who?’ He seemed surprised, like the guy was someone I should obviously know, and I was like, ‘Who did you say?’ And he said a name I still didn’t catch.
I was feeling kind of embarrassed; I honestly am sort of insecure about my hearing, so I didn’t want to ask him to repeat himself a fourth time. So I was like, ‘Hey man, I’m sorry, but I’m blanking on the name; could he point him out?’ I was still assuming he meant some coworker at the bar.
He was going like… ‘What?! No, I can’t.’ And acting mad because I didn’t know this guy.
And I started to get a little frustrated and said, ‘Dude, seriously? You’re trying to tell me to look out for someone, and you can’t even tell me which guy you’re warning me about?’
At that point, he raised his voice at me and yelled that it was Jesus Christ. I realized then… He’s not trying to warn me of some bigoted creep at work; he was that creep.
This is where I might really be a jerk. It had finally clicked for me (took me long enough, I know), but at that point, I was starting to find having made this guy mad kind of funny, so I just went, ‘Dude, no need to cuss me out for asking!’ He said he wasn’t cussing me out. I asked, ‘So seriously, who is it?
Because you’re honestly freaking me out, man?’ and asked several times while he got increasingly frustrated and said, ‘Jesus,’ to which I went, ‘Language, man! I’m not talking to you if you keep cussing me out.’
He got mad and stormed off, and I went back to the table with my coworkers. A few of my colleagues asked what was up; it looked like something I said upset him.
I was like, ‘I dunno, it was so weird. He was talking about how I should hide that I’m gay at work because he knew some guy here would have a problem with it. But he wouldn’t tell me what guy-and I hate to say this, but I’m starting to think there isn’t another guy.’
My coworkers said I should still tell HR, and I was like, ‘Maybe, I definitely will if he says anything again.’
I do feel a little conflicted about that, though, since past a certain point I was just poking the bear.
AITJ for pretending to not know Jesus?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not being able to hear things in a bar is a common enough occurrence that I would have hoped he had enough grace to laugh at the issue or drop it. Instead, it sounds like he got more aggressive.
That the situation was actually a bigot trying to confront you for being gay was merely the icing on the cake. I can’t fault you for locking into a strategy that avoided being told off for who you are.” TaliesinMerlin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t think you were pretending to not know who Jesus was, more like helping others to realize the dude look like a bigger idiot than he appeared to be at first to be.
You honestly couldn’t understand the name and there are Spanish people who are named Jesús so I might be confused too. I love the admonishment about the swearing. In my opinion, it’s absolutely not his business as to when and where you tell people your s*******y.
You could tell people in a subway that you have an attraction to purple tater tots and that is ok with me.
I might wonder for a split second what you were smoking but hey, that’s all on you. Has nothing to do with me.” Kooky-Hotel-5632
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Also probably wise to cover your butt by making a paper trail with HR. HR, of course, is there to look out for the company’s interests, so you have to frame it that way. ‘Hey, I don’t want to file a complaint, but I just want to have noted, in case there is an issue in the future, that this person has expressed having a major problem with my s*******y.
I have no problem being professional with people who have differing viewpoints, and I don’t want any special treatment, but I want you aware in case I don’t receive equal professionalism in turn.’ Something like that.” Curious-roadrunner
20. AITJ For Not Coming To My Niece's Wedding Due To My Grieving?
“So my 24-year-old niece is getting married in September.
She’s 7 months older than my daughter who passed away 14 months ago. They grew up together in CA in my hometown where everyone knows everyone. After the loss of my daughter, we moved to FL for a fresh start. To give us space to heal. It’s been hard but I know it would be even harder if we were still in CA. My niece is getting married in September in CA and there will be at least 100 people there that I haven’t seen since the funeral. Everything about the wedding is painful knowing my girl won’t be there and I’ll never get to see her walk down the aisle.
I’m grieving and still hurting from the loss and just don’t want to face it.
I told my brother and sister-in-law this morning I wasn’t going to be there, and they made me feel selfish and like a bad person for not setting aside my feelings to be there for my niece.
So seriously, am I being a selfish jerk? Give it to me straight!
”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, it’s completely understandable that it would be triggering to go to the wedding as you’ll never see your daughter walk down the aisle. However, your family is hopefully sad that you won’t be coming and worried that you will forever not attend gatherings as it’s too hard. Hopefully, you’re seeing a grief counselor. It will be hard but you don’t want to shut your family out.
Maybe a counselor will help you so you can attend functions like this.” jgl1313
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. Losing a child is wrong in the order of things and grief you should never have to face.
Of course, you’re not being selfish; there would be so many triggers to open wounds at such an event. Some may be able to deal with it, but so many could not.
If you could send a note to your niece so she knows you love her and wish her well, that may help the family dynamic. They likely haven’t thought this through. Know that more thoughtful people will understand.
May your daughter’s memory be a blessing.” Hefty_Drawing3357
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
I don’t think most people can grasp the level of grief associated with the loss of a child, and it’s unfair of them to try and guilt you about it.
That being said, I hope you’re in grief counseling because you also shouldn’t shut yourself off from the rest of your family forever, and part of healing will eventually be seeing them all again.
I’d have a private conversation with your niece about the situation so that she knows it’s not personal and how much you love and support her. Don’t let anybody else spin the narrative, because messages always get convoluted.” Evilbadscary
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
A wedding isn’t an appropriate place to test whether you are able to handle family gatherings following your daughter’s death. If you attended, it would be the first time you’d be seeing everyone since her funeral in a city that reminds you of her, and I think that’s too much too soon. You need to take baby steps toward returning to California and allow yourself space to feel your feelings.
Being surrounded by 100+ people on an occasion where everyone is supposed to be happy isn’t going to give you that opportunity, and you may end up doing yourself more harm.
Your brother and sister-in-law don’t get to dictate what you’re comfortable doing. I can understand them being disappointed, but to make you feel selfish for not setting your grief aside for their daughter is completely unreasonable and shows a lack of compassion.” ImStealingTheTowels
19. AITJ For Getting Fed Up With My Husband's Loud Chewing?
“I absolutely hate the sound of chewing. It’s bugged me since I was a kid. I don’t know how to fully describe it, but the sound is so bad to me that it makes me angry, even though I know it’s irrational. On top of that, the noise can’t fade into the background for me—it always becomes the only thing I can hear. Gum is the absolute worst offender for this, probably because it’s so sticky and makes a particular smacking noise.
However, this is never an issue when people chew with their mouths closed. The mouth being closed provides enough of a buffer for the sound that it doesn’t bother me.
My husband has picked up a gum-chewing habit over the last few years due to stress. He loves it, and he also has the really bad habit of chewing it with his mouth open. This has created some conflict because of my own hatred of the sound.
The rundown of events: I asked him if he could tone down his chewing a bit (he is chewing gum for hours a day every day), and he said it’s not fair for me to police how often he chews gum—absolutely a good point, and I don’t want to tell him he can’t chew gum. I asked him if he could chew with his mouth closed when I was around and got the same response.
That was a bit more annoying, but I figured, still, fair enough. I asked him if he could at least not chew gum when I’m in a situation where I’m FORCED to hear it, like if we’re in the car together or it’s before falling asleep in bed or something. He said he would try.
I agree with him that it’s not fair to tell him he CAN’T chew gum, and maybe even my requests for how he chews it are overstepping, so I figured the easiest thing I can do is just leave the room when he’s chewing gum.
We both work at home and tend to work in the living room, so if he starts chewing gum, I just go to the bedroom or kitchen. If he’s chewing gum before bed, I fall asleep on the couch and move to the bed once he falls asleep. These are just two examples, but in any situation where I can, I just try to create some distance between us when he’s chewing gum.
That way I don’t have to hear the noise, I don’t get agitated, and I don’t end up getting snippy (this has only happened once, and I want to avoid it ever happening again!). I don’t ever say that I’m doing it BECAUSE of the gum chewing, because he takes that as me trying to guilt-trip him. I just leave.
Last night we had some friends over to play video games, and he started chewing gum while they were over.
I stuck it out for as long as I could and then took a break in the kitchen to wash the dishes. Our friends asked him why I left, so he asked me, and I told him honestly that it was because of the gum. He then accused me of being a controlling jerk who ‘clearly wanted to make a show out of it in front of other people to embarrass him,’ since the friends of course asked why he didn’t just cool it on the gum if it bothered me so much.
I wasn’t trying to shame him, just take a break from the sound, but AITJ for making him feel embarrassed?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The friends’ response speaks volumes and is right on. You have expressed yourself about this and tried and done a lot to work around this gum-chewing habit; he has pretty much refused to budge, and you’re the jerk? Leaving the room to get a break isn’t a rude or embarrassing thing for you to do.
You seem to have misophonia, or something similar, making you sensitive to such sounds, but his chewing habits seem pretty extreme if it’s for HOURS per day, including right up until he falls asleep.
Long story short, he seems very unsympathetic and unwilling to cut down on his chewing—you aren’t asking him to stop entirely—and what he’s really upset about is looking like the jerk for being unsympathetic and unwilling to change.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You created a boundary of not listening to your partner chew gum with his mouth open; you handled the boundary when it was crossed in a textbook acceptable manner, not shaming the behavior or striking out, quietly removing yourself from the situation, and only after attempting to find some compromise both people could work with.
Any embarrassment your partner faces will be for refusing to compromise on a reasonable request, and honestly, a little light peer embarrassment might be enough to make him see just how reasonable you’re being and create change in his behavior.” faygoFluent
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’ve gone about this as kindly as possible. You don’t want to infringe on his right to chew gum or tell him how to chew gum, so you remove yourself from wherever he happens to be chewing gum. This is something you’ve been doing prior to your friends coming over, so it’s not like you purposefully waited to try to call him out on his gum-chewing in front of others.
He really needs to chew with his mouth shut.” DJ4116
18. AITJ Prohibiting People From Trespassing Our Yard To Look At The View?
“We live in a community (250 homes), and our home and one other are on top of a hill with amazing views.
We are on a cul-de-sac, so to see the views you either need to be in one of our homes or in the shallow backyards. There are no fences (we can’t build one), but it is very obvious that it’s not open to the public. Also, the edge of our backyards drops off very steeply into a rocky decline, which is dangerous. We both have screened-in porches that go the entire length of the back side of our homes.
They are totally private unless someone is in the backyard, so it’s nice to relax outside after a shower.
Our next-door neighbors and I are very private people. We don’t want random strangers wandering around our backyards. They have put up two signs along the long driveway: one is a small stop sign below the community-installed sign that says ‘Private Driveway,’ and the other says ‘These premises are under video surveillance 24/7,’ as we both have Ring doorbells and security cameras.
We hoped this would be a deterrent.
People still drive or walk up and come back to look at the view. Sometimes I have been caught in just a towel after a shower or sunbathing. When we ask, their answer is always ‘We’re just looking at the view’.
Yesterday, a guy and his kid came up, and I was mad. I asked if he lived here, and he said his dad did, and then I asked if he had seen the signs along the driveway, and he said he was leaving.
I said ‘The signs are there for a reason’ and his kid asked him if they were in trouble, and the dad said something like ‘Some people don’t like to share’.
I have told the people I’ve met here that if they ever do want to look at the view, they should just call me and ask. I have no problem with that; I just want a heads-up.
AITJ? Also, does anyone have any recommendations for things to do to deter the looky-loos?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Why are you not able to put up a fence?
There may be rules against it, but HOAs and local governments make exceptions all the time for situations just like this one. Fences are typically banned so as not to affect a view from the rear or side of a property, which isn’t an issue in this case as there’s a drop-off.
And there is a clear need for some sort of barrier here—not just to preserve your privacy but to protect wandering morons from themselves.
Request an exception to the fence rule or permission to add some kind of barrier, like planters. A low wrought iron fence wouldn’t affect views much but would deter people from just strolling through.” anysizesucklingpigs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I think you and your neighbor are being too subtle or trying to be nice, but nice isn’t cutting it. You need a few ‘No Trespassing’ signs (at least in the USA, this is standard for ‘keep out, coming here is not allowed.’) Post them wherever people are entering the properties to get to the view.
You paid for that view, and you own your property.
You don’t have to share. Especially with strangers. You also don’t have to ask anyone anything. When you see people, tell them this is private property and they need to leave.” stringtownie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Assuming you’re in the US and there is no preexisting easement for this purpose, just start calling the cops on people. They’re trespassing on posted land. Notify local law enforcement that you’ll be starting to report trespassers and ask how they would like things reported. Put up signs saying the property is covered by cameras and trespassers are reported. Don’t interact with the trespassers themselves at all.
Just report them.” admweirdbeard
17. AITJ For Talking Back At My Annoying Workmate?
“I am currently still a student (F/19), and I work part-time at a supermarket counter, helping shoppers sign up for a supermarket membership and explaining to them the benefits of the said membership.
My period came a few days later, and I had to excuse myself to the toilet more often. Like once every 1.5 hours because I peed more often. One of my colleagues wasn’t happy with this, and so he complained to the manager.
The manager talked to me and told me how my toilet breaks are a ‘right’ but I should also think about how ‘my actions impact the team’. I explained that I was on my period and I needed to use the toilet more, and the manager said that he ‘totally’ understood. I wasn’t convinced that he was okay with it, to be honest.
So during the lull period, the colleague whom I suspect has complained to the manager turned and told me, ‘You are lucky this isn’t a real job.
If you behaved like this outside, you wouldn’t survive, and you’ll probably get fired.’
I guess he is implying that I am very ‘sheltered’ by my manager and that my behavior is actually unacceptable enough to get me ‘fired’. Of course, I was upset about this. To me, going to the toilet was a matter of necessity, not indulgence. So I snapped back at him, saying ‘Oh, is that why you’re here?’.
He got pretty mad, I think, and he hasn’t talked to me since.
AITJ for, well, talking back to this colleague? Was it also a jerk move on my part to go to the toilet often? I am talking about once every 1.5 hours kind of breaks.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and what your coworker is doing is called harassment and grounds for termination from this job.
You have a condition that your MALE coworker is basing an opinion on, and if you were denied the ability to use the bathroom and something were to happen, you could legally sue your employer. Unless your bathroom breaks are disrupting the other staff and you’re in the bathroom scrolling for 20-30 minutes, then it’s not an inconvenience to anyone but your coworker’s ego.” aussielover165
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The fact that he is able to track your bathroom habits sounds like he doesn’t have enough work on his plate. The manager might want to rectify that.
By the way, most hourly jobs get two paid 20-minute breaks and half an hour or more unpaid for lunch on top of any bathroom breaks needed for 8 hours of work. So your every 1.5-hour bathroom breaks sound well in line with what most hourly workers get in the US, at least.
Also, he’s kind of creepy by watching your every move like that and committing it to memory. And to snitch on you as well. He does know now that anything he has to say to the manager they will be less likely to even broach with another employee because of how trusting him this time embarrassed them and potentially opened them up for their own reprimand.
Another User Comments:
“Not every job is a career, but every job is a real job and deserves respect.
As for the actual incident, NTJ. You weren’t skipping off to the bathroom for funsies.
If your colleague was in what he terms a real job, he could be fired or disciplined for discrimination. More frequent bathroom breaks are not exclusively a female thing, as men are not immune to IBS or small bladders, but given periods and pregnancies, women are more likely to need the bathroom frequently.” TheBookishFoodie
16. AITJ For Despising My Roommate's Little Brother?
“I currently live in a 2-bedroom apartment, and lately my roommate has been having his 11-year-old brother sleep over a couple of times throughout the week. At first, it wasn’t too bad but as soon as I let him play on my gaming setup one time, his visits became more frequent.
Yesterday I was pretty much gaming all day and literally every 10 minutes he was asking me if I’m done and if it was my last game so he can hop on. I also ordered food and he just started talking about how he’s curious about what it tastes like and opens the box and touches my food until I look at him then he asks if he can have some.
He literally sat beside me the whole day until 3 am to see if he could still play on my setup. He told me he had the next day off of school and how he’s gonna be here all day alone while me and his brother are at work in a way that seemed like he was taunting me.
I absolutely despise this kid and I want to tell my roommate to limit the amount of time he is here but I’m not sure if this would be considered overreacting.”
Another User Comments:
“For starters, why would there be an 11-year-old left unsupervised in your house? I absolutely wouldn’t allow it. Secondly, it is neither your obligation nor responsibility to let him use your expensive gaming setup. Nor do you need to be entertaining him all day when he’s there to visit your roommate.
Your roommate is allowing all of this and creating issues between you and his brother.
Set boundaries about what he’s allowed to do while at your house; tell your roommate that he is not allowed to touch or use your equipment, especially when you’re not home; and have a discussion about how often he should be coming over. While I understand that this is your roommate’s brother, he is underage and shouldn’t be allowed to freely roam whenever they feel like it.
NTJ.” intolerablefem
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I would have a discussion with your roommate about why his brother is suddenly sleeping over. Is that even allowed on your lease?
I would stop being free entertainment for the little brother. If your roommate brings him over, he is 100% responsible for entertaining and feeding him. Do not let him play on your video game console or computer.
Put passwords on everything. Lock your room when he’s there, so he can’t wander in. If he’s eating your food, have a discussion with your roommate about why this is not okay.
I know this probably feels a bit ‘mean,’ but really, it’s just setting boundaries. If your roommate starts feeling it’s super annoying to be stuck with his brother, he’ll probably start bringing him over less.
Right now you’re making it easy on him by being the free entertainment.” avocadosdontbite
15. AITJ For Refusing To Take My Stepdad's Last Name?
“My stepdad brought up to me (16f) that we could change my last name to his if I wanted to have the family name instead of being the odd one out in the house. He also told me he would love to share his last name with me and I might not be his daughter by b***d but he always considered me his daughter.
I told him I didn’t want to change my last name but thanks for the offer. He said we could have the same last name though, and I told him I didn’t want his last name, that I loved my own last name and wanted to keep it.
The story of our relationship is as follows: My parents were divorced by the time I was 1 and my older sister was 8.
My mom met and married my stepdad within 18 months. She and my dad shared custody of my sister and me. My stepdad came into the marriage with no children and had three boys with my mom, no girls. My sister was older and never saw him as more than mom’s husband. He did try, but I think he realized early on that she had decided what they were and never pushed. He was more invested in trying to become my second dad.
There were many times he made me uncomfortable once I was old enough to realize what was going on (from the age of 5, pretty much).
My dad died four years ago. The last year of his life – he spiraled after my grandparents, his parents, died in a car crash, and then my uncle died overseas within weeks of each other. He turned to illegal stuff, and he died within a year.
My sister and I were devastated. We both adored our dad and our paternal family, and we lost all of them within a year of each other.
My sister got married last year, and she asked me to walk her down the aisle and dance with her. He also felt slighted that he was just listed as mom’s husband and not a parent in the digital book thing she supplied everyone with.
I think all of this has led to this moment. He and Mom both expected my sister and me to see our dad way differently after he turned to addiction, especially when he died because of them. But he was still my dad, and regardless of that last year, he was our only dad and was a great dad to us in the years before that, and I believe he still loved us both.
My stepdad didn’t like how I turned down his offer. He told my mom about the offer and what I said. Both of them sat me down and said I was too dismissive of his feelings and that I should have given them some more consideration. He told me he was here, he loves me, and he wants to feel like he won’t be pushed aside for the rest of his life by me.
My mom said I might love my dad, but the way he turned out last year, I should see that he wasn’t perfect and be more willing to meet my stepdad for a more enriching relationship.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom and stepdad are the jerks here. They should not be trying to change your opinion of your father or pushing your stepdad’s last name onto you.
It’s YOUR name and your decision. Your stepdad can see you as his daughter without being blood-related, so the last name shouldn’t matter to him either. He’s overstepping as a step-parent and your mom is enabling that.” queenofcatastrophes
Another User Comments:
“Firstly, I’m sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is hard, and having to watch them suffer through addiction is so painful. My condolences to you and your sister.
Secondly, you’re absolutely NTJ, regardless of the backstory of your relationship. You were actually pretty polite in your denial. How disgusting of your mother and stepfather to make your name about them! A stepparent’s job is not to erase and replace an already-existing parent.
Your stepfather’s behavior doesn’t feel loving; it feels possessive. I don’t think he realizes his efforts to claim you as he has pushed you away from him.
Even if you hated your father and thought your stepfather was the most amazing man on Earth, your name is FOR YOU. I still have the last name of my father, and I hate the guy, and I have a pretty good stepdad who genuinely loves me as his own kid. Because it’s MY NAME.
If your stepfather had asked you and just accepted your denial and dealt with his own emotions about it, then maybe no one would be a jerk, but gosh.
‘Enriching’ your relationship with your stepdad doesn’t have to include erasing an important and lasting connection to your late father.” ClueAsleep5614
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a type of question or proposal one should make only if they know the answer will be yes. Your mother and stepdad are disguising a demand as an offer, one that effectively disavows your father. It’s repugnant and you are correct in all respects here.
The relationship itself defines your relationship with your stepdad, and your last name should be of no consequence in that regard. If he loves you, he should accept you as you are.” Galapgosian
14. WIBTJ If I Give My Niece A Lockable Journal?
“My brother—let’s call him Rick—and SIL told me that my niece is starting to think about boys. I told them I think it’s cool that Emily feels comfortable talking to them about that kind of stuff, when they revealed that she actually does not, but they know because they read her diary.
I was a little shocked by this, and I told them I think that was really messed up, and we got into an argument that ended with Rick ultimately saying it’s his kid, and while she’s under his roof, they reserve the right to know everything that’s going on. They also said I was telling them how to parent when I don’t have kids of my own.
While they have a point, in my gut, I think it’s wrong to invade someone’s privacy to some extent, even if it’s your own kid. Emily doesn’t know they read her journal. I know I shouldn’t tell her, but I am looking for a loophole. WIBTJ if I privately gave her a diary with a lock or maybe found a sneaky way to tell her to hide her diary?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ
But you’d only create more trouble for your niece. Your brother and SIL don’t think your niece deserves privacy, and a lockable journal will only be seen as an attack on their authority, which makes retaliation necessary. They don’t have any authority over you, so they’ll just increase the pressure on your niece.
Inform your niece about her parents reading her journal, offer her a safe space to hide her private stuff, and sadly, don’t let her escalate things with her parents yet.” FalconJaeger
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, his kid is not his property. That’s a massive violation of privacy! I think a child should always have an adult that’s on her side, OP, don’t hesitate to act in her interest. I don’t think that’s the whole story, there’s probably a lot more to it you’re not aware of. Keep talking to your brother and give your niece that journal. Along with some pointers on how to hide it.
When she finds out (and I am sure she will), the trust between them would be irreparably broken. Let your brother and SIL know that if they keep that up she’s gonna go no contact as soon as she moves out.” lada_doe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, her parents are complete trash, and you’re right to call them out on it. Actions like this create very sneaky and deceptive kids; whether that’s a good or bad thing depends entirely on the circumstances.
Personally, I think you need to tell her what’s happening so that she can better protect herself, then give her the new diary in secret, but encourage her to still write in the compromised diary as a decoy for her awful parents.
She doesn’t even need to add detailed entries to the decoy; just something like ‘today was fine, no complaints’ is enough. Keep it simple and boring.
If the parents confront her and ask why she isn’t using her diary as much anymore, she can just tell them she’s lost interest in it and not tell them about the new one (if they want to encourage sneaky behavior, then your niece might as well put it to good use; I think protecting your right to privacy falls into that).” ZebraCentaur
13. AITJ For Hating My Biological Mom Who Abandoned Me?
“All I remember from my childhood was being left out and my mom having parties, drinking, hiding from the police in my bedroom or in the bathroom.
My mom was an addict and heavy drinker. She wouldn’t even let my dad see me and my brother at all. He had to go to court. They got half and half. After that happened, I remember her telling me that she needed to find somewhere to live because she was getting kicked out. We would stay at my dad’s for 30 days and she would get us.
It never happened.
She moved away and left us. I was heartbroken as a child knowing that my mom left me.
Fast forward to yesterday – she saw me at the store, and came up to me. I was shocked, all I said was: ‘You have the audacity to come up to me like you didn’t abandon me for you addiction when I was just a freaking kid.
You are a disgusting human because I was rejected by you because I looked like my father. You hated me and favored my little brother because is the same skin as you. Never tried to contact me again’.
I told my stepmom and my dad. They got mad at me saying I should have a relationship with her now that I’m 21 and it would be good for me.
I got angry at them and told them everything she did to me as a child (I never told them before because it caused me horrible PTSD) when she was in my life. They were quiet after that.
Today I got a message from my bio mom on Instagram saying that I was being a horrible daughter to her for saying it to her in the store.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Completely not a jerk at all. She might want to be in your life but you can choose no contact. Doesn’t matter what other people’s opinions are on the matter this is very personal to you and it’s a decision that has to come from you. You are not alone. There are others who have walked in similar shoes. Definitely talk to a counselor if you’re not getting support from people around you.
it’s completely normal to have mixed emotions even though you want nothing to do with them. Maybe this is a good time since you’ve gotten this reminder of past trauma to start working through some of it for yourself and for your current relationships and future relationships. I wish you luck in this and be safe.” boiledpenny
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She abandoned you when you were 5.
You are 21 & she thinks you will forgive & forget? Oh God no. She burned those bridges when she left. As the saying goes, don’t set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm. She didn’t do anything to keep you warm all these years. Your dad & stepmom were the ones who stepped up. You don’t owe her anything. Not your time or your acknowledgment.
On a side note, I get the feeling that your dad and stepmom are feeling guilty after you unloaded on them about how bad your mom was. They are the ones who deserve your love and respect.” Straysmom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You do not have to have a relationship with her, and it was wrong of her to just approach you like nothing was wrong.
Just keep in mind that she is sick. Her illness will cause her to not recognize that what she is doing is wrong. This will still happen even if she is sober.
Regardless of whether you forgive her or not, whether you decide to ever contact her again or not, it is entirely up to you. You do not owe her anything.” haemaker
12. AITJ For Snapping At My Friend And Telling Her To Stop Complaining About The Pain?
“My friend and I stayed at a hotel together for a college visit. She got her period a few years ago but never dealt with any sort of severe cramping. Yesterday afternoon, she got her period, and everything went pretty normal until nighttime.
At night, she started feeling really distressed and was in a ton of pain. I myself get period cramps, so I know how bad they can get, and I offered to get her an Advil from the hotel gift shop or a heat pad, as there was a convenience store near us.
She absolutely refused to try a single medication and told me she was only going to drink water. I am fine with that.
However, an hour passes, and she’s still in severe pain. I sit next to her, ask her again if she wants medicine, and tell her how helpful they can be. Keep in mind, she’s never used a painkiller in her life. I don’t know if she’s just against meds in general or was feeling sick, but she continued to refuse, and I asked if she wanted anything like a heat pad at minimum, and she kept refusing.
After that, she kept complaining and even told me I’d never understand. She told me every minute how annoyed she was.
At some point after 2 hours, I just got mad and told her if she was refusing to do anything about the pain, then just to stop complaining about it in general. She just got mad at me back and told me how unsupportive I was being.
So was I in the wrong? ”
Another User Comments:
“If your friend doesn’t typically have such bad cramps, is it possible she was experiencing an early miscarriage? If she knew that’s what was happening or that it was a possibility, that could have made her even crankier than just the pain itself.
That doesn’t excuse her behavior (what else were you supposed to do to support her?
Slam your fingers in the door so you could both be in pain together?) but maybe just give her a little bit of the benefit of the doubt in case there was something else going on that she didn’t tell you about.
NTJ, officially.” peony_chalk
Another User Comments:
“I am gonna go with NTJ. You offered different things for her to try to help with the pain, but she refused. If she had said that that stuff doesn’t help, because it doesn’t work for some people, then it would be different.
But you gave her legit helpful advice, heat, and/or meds. I don’t think your friend is T A for refusing the help. But if you are not going to attempt to help the situation, then you kinda can’t complain about it.” Lemon586
Another User Comments:
“NTJ—you have done what you can, and she is actively refusing to help herself. It is entirely possible that she‘s not able to take meds, but a warm compress and a warm (too hot) bath are options too.
You are not obligated to listen to her complaining; she’s not in mortal danger and is rather dismissive of you.
People who whine about period pain while doing nothing fall under the category of self-inflicted whiners; they get no sympathy from me.” AnonymooseVamoose
11. WIBTJ If I Tell My Ex To Cut Ties With My Mom?
“I (M23) was with this girl (F23) for about a year, and I broke it off a year ago. We’ve met through mutual friends and lived in different countries. We decided we both didn’t want a long-distance relationship.
She was studying, about a year in, but had already decided that what she was studying was not for her. I offered for her to move in with me. It only took a few months, and she quit her studies, moved away from family and friends, and moved in with me. That went well; however, I noticed that my apartment was quite small for the both of us, and I was not having enough time for myself.
I told her this, and she seemed okay about it, and we decided it was best for her to move into her own apartment, as I couldn’t imagine living with her in mine for the next few years. When she moved here, she started to get settled in, immigrating and such and even attended a different college and continued her studies here.
She then applied for a job, which she got, and was extremely happy about that.
I’ve struggled with that a lot, as before, she had more time and took care of most of the household stuff while I was working and coming home exhausted. Now that she is working, it is hard to keep the household stuff up, which bothered me a lot. It caused some conflict, and at some point, I realized my feelings for her had started to fade.
After she got settled into her new job, she must have felt that I was being distant. We had a big talk about it after she came back from her home country (she was there getting an IUD, something we discussed a long time ago), and I tried to explain what the problem was, but I am actually not sure what started my feelings to fade.
She thought it would get better once she moved out, so she tried to find a new place as quickly as possible and moved out of my place last year in March. I’ve realized that I am not able to have a relationship at the moment, and I finally broke up with her after she moved into her own apartment. She was devastated, and the breakup overall was horrible.
She cried a lot but had very little contact with me, and I only reached out when I got letters addressed to her.
Last summer, I met my now-partner, Emma. She ironically lives in the country my ex is from, and we decided that I would move there this year.
Something that’s bothering me and Emma a lot is that my ex frequently has contact with my mom.
My family offered to help her with immigration, especially my mom because she’s also from the country my ex is from. They go out to grab a coffee still, and my mom still helps her with any bureaucratic stuff that my ex struggles with. I thought about telling my ex to please stop contacting my mom, as I find it weird that they still have contact with each other now, over a year after we broke up.
WIBTJ if I do that?”
Another User Comments:
“Yes, you would be a major jerk.
She stood up and moved to be closer to you. You wanted her to be your live-in cleaner; that’s it. You don’t sound as if you were the nicest to her.
She left all her friends and family to move to another country that you had had an influence on, and then you left her.
She would have had no support during that period of time; that would’ve been hard enough. Your mom has offered her help and support. There’s nothing wrong with that. Your mother is an adult and so is your ex; they are allowed to do whatever they like, whether you like it or not.” choppedonionheart
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Sounds like she was a really good partner, and you were a completely crappy partner.
She bent over backward to make things work with you, and then you just kicked her out of your house because you needed more space? You have absolutely no right to even speak to her anymore! How can you get angry that she is talking to your mom and getting help paying for immigration when you are PART OF THE REASON she came here in the first place?
I think OP did that girl a service. If he had stayed with her, she probably would have ended up being stuck in a toxic marriage with an adult baby.” hnc1821
Another User Comments:
“Dude, someone has to break it out to you. If you do not earn enough to support both of you financially, you have no right to demand or expect her to do all the house chores!
She emigrated because of you, then found a great job and you basically admitted that you lost feelings for her when she stopped being your cleaner! I can’t believe what I’m reading. Yes, you would be a jerk to meddle with who your mum goes out with but you already seem like a jerk for your past actions. I think your current partner is up for a surprise that she is expected to be your housemaid when you move in.” Gauri108
10. AITJ For Prioritizing The Cat Over Our Nanny?
“We recently took in my wife’s deceased mom’s cat. We found out afterward that our live-in nanny is allergic to cats. She told us if we didn’t get rid of the cat she would have to leave.
My wife wanted to keep the cat. So we told our nanny we understood if she needed to find another job and that since my wife had decided to take time off of work for bereavement she could take care of our daughter. She just said okay and nothing else. Then she moved out a few days later while we were all out. This was all about four months ago.
My wife got an intense message from an unknown number the other day. We think it’s a friend of our nanny. This person said we were horrible for choosing a cat over the person who took care of our daughter. That we treated our nanny horribly and left her with no other choice than to be homeless without any funds. This person also said we probably devastated our daughter.
Although I will point out that she hasn’t mentioned the nanny for a long time and has been very happy about spending more time with her mom and having a cat now,
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your wife took in the pet belonging to her recently deceased mom.
The person making the argument about choosing a person over a cat is absurd; it wasn’t as if you were taking the one you didn’t choose to the pound.
You simply changed the working environment enough so that the arrangement didn’t work for your nanny. She chose to move out in the least professional way possible.
I know it’s tough, but tell your wife she needs to let go of the negativity that the person sending the note clearly intended for her to feel. The negative nanny and her friend don’t need to get any more free rent in her head anymore.” NotCreativeAtAll16
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, not because of the decision (totally makes sense and I would make the same myself, hands down), but because you basically made her living situation unviable with no notice, then failed to communicate what you were willing or not willing to do to help give her time to find a new living situation.
She was living there. Then you made it impossible for her to live there and then said ‘You can also stop working (AKA being paid) immediately’.
I’d assume you meant for her to book it as soon as possible, too! What else was she supposed to think? I imagine being smacked out of the left field like that and then having no one even care enough to let her know what interim options were or weren’t available to her, and I feel for that nanny.
When did you tell her how long she’d have to move out or ask what her prospects were?
If she’s served you well, where is the discussion or assurance where you talk about compromises like what can be done in the brief interim to make the house safe for her to live in while she works on moving out? You act like her moving out was a surprise. So, you just let her assume the worst over a period of days when all it would take is a simple call or chat?
It isn’t the nanny’s job to tell you how to manage your home and her place in it. That’s on you, as the owners of the home and her former employer. And I get that you’re having a rough time, but you dropped the ball on this. Yeah, you should keep the cat and lose the nanny, and sudden change is not your fault. But you absolutely took away someone’s livelihood and living space in less than a week with no lead time to make other arrangements (and no, it is not like being fired, as she presumably did an okay job at least), and you didn’t seem to care much at all about what that would mean for them.
If you were willing to let her stay any longer than the four days it took her to find something, you can’t not communicate that it’s okay at all and then go whelp; that was her decision to go, so we have no responsibility for it! You gave her no reason to expect otherwise.
Look, all this to say… No, you didn’t make the wrong decision, and no, you shouldn’t have to put up with weird messages.
But yeah, learn to communicate, and next time consider the kindness of boarding the cat for a week or having family care for it at least until the person with bad allergies can get out.” Classic_Sugar7991
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That cat is a part of your wife’s mother. The nanny is an employee. You offered her time to find a new place and job, she chose to leave.
I’d respond back that the message is completely unprofessional, and that you would no longer be recommending her to any future families because of this. Also state that this is YOUR HOME AND YOUR FAMILY, and that the nanny was not and is not part of your family.
Your wife’s happiness is more important to you and your family than a nanny. Period. The cat is her dead mother’s and you are not going to cause your grieving wife more pain from losing HER MOTHER!
The nanny can get a new job if taking allergy meds wasn’t a reasonable option for her. That nanny is entitled for thinking she was more important in YOUR HOME than your actual wife. Then tell them not to contact you any further, and any further communication from this person or nanny will be considered harassment and handled within the confines of the law.
What an entitled turd.” Endy_Bendy
9. AITJ For Letting My 10-Year-Old Brother Stay Alone In His Room?
“My (17f) mom is very protective over my brother ‘Ben’ (10), and so whenever it’s just us kids home alone, she insists I babysit him, being in the same room as him at all times, making his food (even a bowl of cereal), and I have to have ‘full engagement’ with him.
We’ve both complained about this since Ben doesn’t have any disabilities or anything; he’s a regular 10-year-old kid and should be able to do things himself. So both of us agreed that when my mom leaves, we go our separate ways until right before she comes home. (Obviously, I make sure he’s out of trouble and stuff, and sometimes we hang out, but mostly we’re just in our rooms).
Yesterday, my mom had to work a full day, so I was in charge. As usual, I and Ben just did our different stuff and hung out. But at noon, my mom came home unexpectedly; she said she managed to get the time off for Easter and forgot to tell us. When she first got home, I was in my room on my phone, and Ben was playing Minecraft in his room.
My mom got really mad at me (not at Ben), and I got yelled at because I was a ‘responsible babysitter who broke her trust,’ and as punishment, I had to eat supper after them.
So I think maybe I am a jerk since I broke her rules and she’s not usually as mad as she was, but at the same time, Ben is ten and he’s never gotten in trouble when I watch him.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are babysitting. Your brother is old enough to entertain himself. As long as you are there to handle any problems that come up and help him if he needs it. You shouldn’t have to be in the same room. Does your mother keep him in the same room as her the entire time they are home together? If your mom is sleeping, how would she know if your brother was not sleeping and doing something else?
She is setting a higher standard for you than she holds herself to. Only children with severe health or other issues get 24-hour supervision. They have to hire nurses to keep an eye on them while they sleep. This is nothing near to needing that level of supervision. It’s crazy.” ContentedRecluse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he was a toddler, it would have been more appropriate for her to expect this level of monitoring him, but not for a 10-year-old without any disabilities that put him at risk of harm from being in a room alone.
You were close by and within easy immediate access if something happened or he needed you, which personally is the most I would ask of a teenager babysitting their 10-year-old sibling in their own house.
When she’s the one home with him, does she have to stand in his room with him while he plays Minecraft? In my opinion, at least, I think a 10-year-old should be given a lot more independence than this, certainly at least to the point of pouring cereal and being in a room alone.” henofthewoods1
Another User Comments:
“Wow. You sound like a great big sister who is perfectly aware of the capabilities of your brother. I am wondering why your Mom is behaving like this, I’ve known some highly anxious parents, but this is next level. There’s a big difference between being protective and completely denying a kid the chance to develop independence and the confidence that comes with it.
Maybe have a talk with your brother, after that, both of you need to talk to your mom about it. I am guessing that if you think about it, there are probably a few other things going on that are not quite usual either.
Anyway, nope, you’re not the jerk. You applied common sense to rules that don’t make sense.” Kashika50
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To Church?
“So as I was growing up, I would go to church every week, and it was in another language I did not fully understand.
I hated it and was always bored. So I grew up having no interest in religion or church. My mother grew up religious (not crazy religious or anything) and would always sign me up for readings and make me come with her whenever she would go to church, about twice a month.
She said I can make my decision about whether I believe or not when I am 18.
Okay, fine.
When I was 18, I chose not to believe, and she said that I was still too immature and still had to come.
I am now 23, and I am still forced to come with her and sit through it with no interest. My hearing is also declining (from severe to profound in my left and right ears, so I can’t even catch everything they’re saying).
Today, on the way home from the cemetery (my father is dead, and we visit the grave often), she told me we are going next Sunday because she is carrying the candles. I said I didn’t want to go and that she knew I didn’t believe in religion. She said I didn’t ‘have a say’ and that ‘it’s one little thing out of your day’ and that ‘I should do it for me.’
I told her that I would rather lick the inside of an NYC dumpster than go to church.
She of course got really upset but eventually said, ‘Fine, be like that then.’
So, AITJ, for saying that? I feel kind of bad, but at the same time, I feel I should have the choice to go and what to believe in, and that shows how much I do not want to go.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but maybe this is her way of bonding with you? You did mention your father has passed and you visit his grave often. If this is the religion she wants to shove down your throat, don’t be mean about it, but make your stance known firmly every single time like an adult with no further confrontation. Don’t entertain religious debate.
If you truly hate going that bad, try to slowly over time find another activity to do with your mother. ‘I am not coming to church, but we can grab lunch afterward and go visit the cemetery.’
Take care of your mother; she is your mother, and you only get one in your life.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: You’re an adult with autonomy, and she can’t dictate your life to fit her fantasy.
I am surprised you even willingly got in the car the first time after your 18th birthday, and beyond that, if she thinks she can control this aspect of your life, what’s next? ‘I forbid you from seeing this girl because she’s Jewish,’ or ‘I forbid you from hanging out with friends because they are a bad influence!’
You’re 23, and you need to stand up to your mother more.
Next Sunday, if you’re still feeling like crap, you could see if they’re zooming the mass; that way you can watch her with the candles from home, and at least it’s a compromise that might make you feel less of a jerk, but again, you’re not the jerk.” MotherBike
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you need to start googling about how to put your foot down with your mother and stop letting her control you.
You need to learn to say no. Stop doing tasks when she asks you to before leaving. Just pick up your keys and go. Remember the power is yours; she is the one who is afraid you will leave her. You might want to start looking into house shares as the cheapest option to move out.” User
7. WIBTJ If I Don't Prepare Packed Lunches For My Husband?
“My husband (35M) and I (28F) have 2 beautiful children (5M, 3F), and I am currently pregnant with my third child.
Recently, my mother-in-law has fallen on hard times and lost her apartment. My husband invited her to live with us, which I wasn’t initially happy about because, with the little one on the way, I wanted time to focus on our family, but I ultimately understood that it was a special circumstance.
The problem is that MIL has really changed since she got here. We used to have a relatively good relationship, but she’s increasingly demanding and unreasonable. I know it’s a hard time, so I’ve tried to be accommodating, but it’s all getting to be too much.
For example, she’s been asking that we buy specific brands when getting groceries, which would be fine if they were just for her, but she’s been insisting that the cereal brand we feed my kids isn’t healthy and they have to eat a different brand.
The one we buy is the one they like, and it’s not particularly unhealthy as far as cereals go. She’s also been moving our furniture around, primarily in the guest room that she’s staying in, but recently she had my husband swap the couch and the armchair in the living room while I was out running errands.
All this is fine; I love my husband and my MIL and can understand what she’s going through, so I can deal with it.
It all finally came to a boiling point last night.
My husband and I have been having a disagreement lately. Usually, my husband makes his own lunch to take with him to work. However, since I’ve recently quit my job to become a stay-at-home mom, he thinks I should start making his lunch along with the children’s lunches. My husband goes to work an hour and a half before the children go to daycare.
I currently wake up around the time he leaves for work and have plenty of time to get the kids ready and make their lunches. If I were to make his lunch, I would have to get up way earlier. We’re at an impasse on this issue right now.
Apparently, he complained to his mother about it, because she confronted me last night about being a bad wife.
In her words, I am ‘not good enough’ for her son if I can’t even ‘make this one sacrifice to make him happy’.
Being confronted like this just made me so mad, and I don’t even know why. I snapped and yelled back at her and said some things I regret.
Now my husband expects me to give my MIL an apology and start packing his lunch, and neither of them is talking to me until then.
My husband and I have never had problems like this before. He’s always been so good to me. I am worried that I am overreacting and making an already difficult time even harder. I’ve never snapped like that before, but I just feel so overwhelmed, and I don’t have anyone in real life to talk to about this because my family doesn’t understand my relationship with my husband and doesn’t support us.
WIBTJ if I held my ground?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You and your husband need to have a discussion so that both of you are on the same page. With his mother in the house, he has to be 100% with you on anything that involves your team. He sounds as if he is going to run to mommy with everything, and this must be stopped or her living there is going to ruin your marriage.
The two of you and your children are the family unit here, and you and your husband are the TEAM in charge of things. MIL is an additional player, not running the house or making demands. She lives there because of the team’s generosity, and anything she does to disrupt that team is unacceptable.
But until you get your husband to feel the same way, there is going to be friction.
This is not about packing lunches. This is about your husband taking sides and being influenced by his mom.
‘Apparently, he complained to his mother about it because she confronted me last night about being a bad wife.’
Your husband is 100% in the wrong here, and it needs to stop.
This is your problem.
Your husband needs to understand what team he plays for and not complain to his mommy or allow her to speak to his wife this way.
And clearly, you guys need to start making other arrangements for mommy—this is very likely only going to get worse.” gooberfaced
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your MIL being there during hard times isn’t an excuse for her to overstep in your home and your marriage, all the more when she’s benefiting off of your kindness by living under your roof.
Your husband’s demand is ridiculous, in my opinion.
I’d just laugh nonstop if my husband ever asked me to get up earlier than I needed to in order to make his lunch. I know the reasoning is that he is going to work while you stay home. But if you stay home to take care of your children, he’s not providing you with a free ride through life. You don’t owe him anything, just as he doesn’t owe you anything.
This is the agreement you guys decided would be best for your growing family. You being his personal assistant isn’t part of that.
Snapping at your MIL might have been wrong (I don’t know exactly what you said to her, but if you regret it, I guess you know you went too far), but being mad at her for sticking her nose in your marriage was justified.
Apologizing to her for snapping and saying hurtful things would be okay. But your husband and her expecting you to cave into the packing lunch argument as part of the apology is manipulative and ridiculous.
If your husband has always been a good partner, it’s almost a given that the presence of his toxic mother in your home is causing him to deviate from his usual behavior.
I would try to have a conversation with him about this and see if there is a way to help his mother out without having her there. Or a way for him to see the real issue and set firm boundaries with her.
But I would not start packing the lunches. God no.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ: There is no reason why you should be packing your husband’s lunch.
He’s an adult who is perfectly capable of doing it himself and has time to do so. That is reason enough to stand your ground.
You also need to set some boundaries with your mother. She is living in your house, but that doesn’t mean that she can dictate what you buy and feed your kids, whether you make lunch for your husband, etc. If you back down on this, it will be harder to set these boundaries, which you clearly desperately need.
It was unacceptable of your MIL to say that you ‘weren’t good enough’ for your husband. That’s completely out of order. You don’t need to apologize for being angry in response, per se. However, depending on what you said in response and how you said it, there might possibly be a slight reason to apologize for those words in particular (you say that there was something that you regret saying), but be careful to make sure that it doesn’t sound like you’re saying ‘I am sorry I was angry’ or ‘you’re right, I wasn’t being good enough’, as that is both untrue (you are good enough) and doesn’t need apologizing for (it was reasonable to be angry).
Could you talk to your husband and say that you will apologize for saying those particular words that you regret only (but not for being angry, etc.), but only if you can both set some boundaries for your MIL while she is staying in your house and that you will not be making his lunch? I get the impression that this is not just whether or not you make your husband’s lunch, but more about the way that your MIL treats you and the lack of boundaries.” AceOfGargoyes17
6. AITJ For Allowing My Son To Join A Hunting Trip Without Telling His Mom?
“My son (16) was invited on a hunting trip, and I let him go and gave him funds to reimburse the other parent for food and ammunition. He said he had a good time with his friend. His mom, my ex, is very angry that I didn’t consult her before allowing this. She said she doesn’t want him to go hunting again.
I told her she has no say over what happens when our son is at my house. We got into a big fight over it. She said as long as he is under 18, we have to co-parent and make decisions together. The thing is, since he turned sixteen and can go back and forth between homes on his own, there’s absolutely no need for us to interact with each other anymore.
I told her as much.
She said I’m a jerk and that I need to respect her as the mother of my child and make decisions with her. I said no. Our relationship is over. We make separate independent choices now, and we no longer need to consult each other. My partner says I need to make nice to my ex because it will be better in the long run, which is making me wonder if I was unreasonable.
Was I a jerk for letting my son go on a trip without consulting his mom?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Until your son is an adult, you AND his mother are co-parents.
Hunting isn’t the core issue here. The real issue is that you undercut the other parent. You’re creating an environment where the child can now play the parents against each other.
The rules and boundaries need to be consistent between the parents and consistently enforced. Where you disagree on an issue, you should work it out and get on the same page before allowing or restricting something for the kid.
Again, hunting isn’t the issue. It is your complete disregard for co-parenting effectively. Like it or not, at least until he’s an adult, you ARE still connected to his mother.” subsailor1968
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. He was in fact NOT in your house or care during the hunting trip (so my house, my rules don’t apply). He’s still a minor and you are still co-parenting, so you have to work together, and dismissing her completely and portraying yourself as the ‘cool’ dad that lets your kid do whatever he wants without his mother’s approval is jerk territory.
Finally, while I don’t hunt but don’t think it’s terrible either (as long as it’s not sport hunting for endangered species), I can imagine she’s worried about his safety. Even the best hunters can have accidents, and it would have been a lot better if she wasn’t caught blindsided if something had happened.” stressedpesitter
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
While he is a minor, you both absolutely have a say and a sincere interest in what goes on in one another’s households as it relates to your child.
Try to imagine your feelings if your ex let people who were strangers to you take your son on an activity that you felt was too adult or too dangerous.
You also say that there is no need for you to interact together. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you two will have to interact with one another as long as your son is walking this earth.
The interaction will decrease as your son ages, but it will definitely happen, especially in times of celebration and crisis.
Co-parenting is really hard. Try to keep your focus on your kid and what’s best for him today and in the future.” oncemorewith_feels
5. AITJ For Trauma Dumping On My Friends And Family Members?
“I (22m) went home to my parents’ house this week for a Jewish holiday. I brought two friends (21m and 22f) of mine because they wanted to see what it’s like. Also attending were my sister (29f), her partner, my brother (26m), and my parents (52m and 47f).
I’ve already told my friends stories about how my mom would act when I did something that was disappointing in her eyes, how she always threatened to disown me, or that I was barely allowed to make any decisions at all in my life.
I know that she loves me, but she’s done many things the wrong way and hurt me pretty badly in the process. Of course, she doesn’t want to hear any of that. It doesn’t matter that she once told me I was the biggest regret of her life or the biggest shame of the family (I was called that because I finished 10th grade with a grade point average of 2.2, which is not bad at all!).
In her opinion, all of that is totally fine because she loves me and only wants the best for me.
Obviously, I didn’t want any drama while my friends were over, plus I hate arguing with my mom since she has a tendency to say very hurtful stuff. But frustration and a bit too much wine got the better of me. You see, since the moment my friends arrived, all my mom could say about me were my flaws and the things I did wrong.
Not one word of pride has come out of her mouth, and even my friends have noticed. It was almost as if she tried to drag me into the worst light possible in front of my friends, and I was at a point where I almost broke down crying. When I meet my friend’s parents, they always say nice things. Sure, a funny hib here and there is normal, but that was just devastating.
Even my friends noticed it!
So I started telling stories about how she made me cry when I was a child and how she had to teach me spelling. I’m severely dyslexic and was simply not capable of spelling certain things right, so she kept pushing and pushing until I cried. I also told the story of how I had to perform a song, and she had helped teach me by breaking my spirit until I could sing the right tones.
That, by the way, is a story my siblings and I share, and she usually finds it funny.
Now she’s mad at me for telling these stories and making her look like a monster in front of others. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sweetheart, that’s not telling stories – that’s trauma dumping (not in a conscious negative way). Your mother was clearly emotionally abusive, and from what I can tell still is.
I understand why you shared your experiences with your friends if they are your safe space. I would encourage you to seek a professional in working through the experience and effect of your mother’s actions, as they would be better situated to effectively help you.
Sometimes it can become overwhelming for both you and your friends when they hear your pain yet are unable to help, because they lack the resources to.
Nothing wrong with sharing your life with your friends, but strongly encourage professional help. I’d work on gaining some distance and setting boundaries with your mother in whatever way is available and practical for you.” LokiCain97
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If she thinks the things she did were okay, why would she be embarrassed? The only reason she’s upset is that she knows that what she did was abusive; she just knows that she can normally browbeat you into dropping it by holding your relationship with her hostage.
If you try to push back, she pulls out the ‘ungrateful child’ narrative. That you are misunderstanding her ‘love’ and should feel bad for doing so.
What you have just had revealed to you is that she is aware she was wrong; she just doesn’t have the emotional sway needed to manipulate your friends the way she has over you, and so she couldn’t flip the script.
You were right. This isn’t how loving parents act. This isn’t ‘tough love’. She was and is abusive to you, and she knows it. She enjoys the power she feels when she steps on you.
Now that you know this and know that this isn’t just her not understanding what she did wrong, the ball is in your court. She is never going to change if you always let her set the terms of your relationship and never hold her accountable.
If you continue to be a part of her life while she habitually tears you down, she will never have any reason to stop. It’s time to cut her off and try to focus on repairing the harm she did to you without her inferences or narratives. Stop the habit of trying to win approval that’s never going to come, and start learning how to approve of and love yourself.
The help of a therapist would be a great step in that direction. Doing that will help you set boundaries and not accept crap from her or others in your life.” Slight_Flamingo_7697
Another User Comments:
“Dude, NTJ at all.
She is a monster through her own actions.
Your mom is a jerk through and through. She should be ashamed. It is your right to vent with friends; she mistreated you, OP.
I know this can be hard to accept, and we come up with excuses for them, but they outright mistreated you. You have every right to try to get over the trauma, especially if they are trying to treat you awfully again. I would minimize contact, try to work stuff out in therapy, and if you feel like you want contact, impose boundaries to protect yourself.
This can include only meeting her in conditions such that you can simply walk away after she crosses a boundary that you have warned her not to cross; she will test those boundaries if you decide to go this way.
Keep strong, OP. I am so sorry for everything you went through. I can relate to how they seem to sacrifice everything for you one minute and then mistreat you the next.
And it is so hurtful they don’t acknowledge the crap they did, sometimes they don’t even remember.” AlexandraG94
4. AITJ For Not Bothering To Teach My Nephew About His Culture?
“My sister had my nephew about 18 years ago. His father was a friend of mine that I met through work, and I introduced the two. He dipped when my sister was only a couple of months pregnant with his kid.
He moved to his home country and never looked back.
So we live in a small white town, and my nephew is like the only person here who isn’t 100% white. My sister tried to help with his other half, but apart from teaching him some of the language, it hasn’t been very successful. As my nephew got older, it was pretty obvious he just wasn’t interested. Don’t get me wrong; it’s because of his father, not the culture itself.
Well… My nephew’s father finally reached out. To me, though, not his child or the mother—to me. I told my sister, who asked my nephew if he wanted to meet him, and my nephew said yes.
It went okay. But his father has a whole new family back home, and my nephew didn’t take it well. Still, things were alright.
Then he started asking my nephew if he could speak his language, if he liked any foods that are native to the culture, what he did for some holidays, etc. My nephew told him that he can say ‘no thanks’ to him, but he doesn’t like the food, and he doesn’t even know what holiday he’s talking about.
I noticed his father get agitated, but he kept his cool. He asked him if he’d ever been to the country before, and my nephew laughed and said no. He asked if he wanted to, and my nephew again said nope. He gave up once he realized how disconnected from the culture his son is, and they decided to end the meeting.
His father asked me to stay behind for a minute, and I did.
And all he did was yell at me. He asked me why I didn’t make more of an effort to teach him about his culture, etc. I was shocked and told him that this wouldn’t even be a problem had he known… stuck around. He wasn’t having it though and said, ‘This isn’t about that; regardless of what I did, you practically erased a part of his identity.
That is not right. It’s about him, not me. You aren’t punishing me by keeping him ignorant; you’re punishing him.’
While my sister did teach him some of the language, she didn’t do as much as she should’ve. She stopped after a certain age, too. I never did anything. I hate to admit it, and I know how important it is to teach kids about their cultures, but it never crossed my mind considering my nephew was a happy kid despite everything.
I’m close to my nephew, and now I feel really bad. He is very disconnected, and it must suck or will suck eventually. I don’t know, I’m white in a white majority area; he’s not. I won’t get it, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. ‘Why didn’t you raise my kid for me the way I want him to be raised?’ said a man who left before he was even born, never asked about custody, never reached out to contact him (the internet exists now, so no excuses really), and suddenly popped into his life at 18 with a new family and no remorse for what he did to the kid (or your sister at all).
If he wanted a kid who shared his culture, maybe he should’ve started by sharing his life first. It’s not your responsibility to teach him about a culture you probably aren’t too sure of yourself. Especially if the kid never cared about learning either.
You didn’t keep him from it; he just didn’t care. That’s more his dad’s fault than anything (you said part of the disconnect was due to his feelings about his dad anyway).
So absolutely you are NTJ here.” TheGrimReader1888
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The father is a deadbeat who made no effort to connect. Seems like your sister left it up to your nephew if he wanted to connect to the culture and after a time, he didn’t want it. She went a lot further than most people would. If the father had made some effort or if it had been an area where there were more options culturally, it might have been different.
He’s not cross-culturally adopted and his level of engagement is due to an absent father.” vt2022cam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Nobody denied him the culture or refused to give him information. It sounds like he was not that interested as a child. You did well with your nephew; it’s not like he kept expressing great interest and you and your sister dismissed him.
As far as bio-dad being mad at you, what the heck is that doofus smoking? Did bio-doofus offer to pay for college or something for his son, or did he just criticize OP?
Was anybody else put off by the fact that the bio-doofus showed up after 18 years? When the son is now considered an adult and there are no financial obligations, that seems very deliberate to me.” voice-of-reason-99
3. AITJ For Messing With My Religious Stepmom?
“I (15F) am interested in divination. Not as a real thing that works, I just think the systems are interesting, and reading tarot or ‘I Ching’ (an ancient Chinese book of divination and a source of Confucian and Taoist philosophy) helps me think through things sometimes. Like, my grandma told me when I was little that if you have a hard decision to make, flip a coin and suddenly you’ll know exactly what side you hope it comes down on.
My dad wouldn’t buy me a tarot set, so I made my own a few years ago, and I just use regular coins for I Ching. He doesn’t care that I do it; he just thinks it’s a silly thing to spend funds on, and that’s probably true. I like my handmade set.
My dad married my stepmom two years ago, and we don’t get along.
She’s churchy, and I am agnostic, plus she has opinions on ladylike behavior that I think are ridiculous. I try to just avoid her most of the time. I didn’t know that she didn’t know about the tarot thing until she walked into my room while I was doing a reading last week. I usually do one before bed as a kind of wind-down.
She hit the frigging roof, man. I’ve never seen her that mad before. It turned into a big fight, and she said she wouldn’t tolerate ‘devil worship’ and ‘witchcraft’ around her kids (10F, 8M). My dad told me to just not do it around the other kids, and they went off to talk about it. I thought that was the end of it, but when I came home from school a couple of days later, I noticed that the box that I keep my cards in was gone from my dresser.
SM said that she had burned them, and I kind of lost it. Even if I don’t believe in it, I spent a lot of time making them, and she burned my artwork. My dad was also pretty mad at her, but he said it was probably time for me to move on from that anyway, and he would make her buy me some books or something to make up for it.
I was still upset, so I told SM that I hoped she lost something really important to her too and locked myself in my room. Ever since then, she’s been convinced that I cursed her and is on edge all the time. I haven’t denied it either, because I am still mad. I even remade a couple of the cards and left them around just to spook her, and it’s working.
She won’t let her kids out of her sight when they’re home, and she misplaced a necklace this weekend and freaked out.
My dad says he understands what I am doing by playing into her paranoia, but I need to just leave her alone before she has a stroke. I think she deserves it. I am starting to feel bad about how much she’s taking it out on her kids, though; they can’t even be in the yard without her.
AITJ for throwing gas on the fire? ”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you need to have a serious sit-down with your dad. His failure to maintain boundaries between you and his wife is not ok. And has escalated to the point of her destroying your property and now exhibiting delusional behavior with her own children. He needs to stop pretending her behavior is normal and that her overstepping with you isn’t escalating.
This delusional behavior on her part will not magically go away, and worst case scenario we’re looking at the beginning stages of religious trauma on her other children.” wayward_painter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The real jerk here is your father, who is not supporting you when a grown adult violates your privacy, destroys your personal property, and screams at you. He should have shut that all down with prejudice.
And he should not in any way make you responsible for her reactions. All that said, y’all will presumably be living together for the next few years. It’s probably time to stop just so things don’t get truly crazy in town. I don’t trust your dad to have your back or completely protect you from her crazy.” I_Suggest_Therapy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But stop messing with your stepmother.
This will end ugly. She is not superstitious, she is religious, and that’s MORE dangerous. This is the kind of thing that ends with you being kidnapped from your bed and sent to a ‘behavior camp’.
That said, your dad is a jerk. He needs to be an adult and tell his wife that she will never, ever enter your room or destroy your things again.
If she has a problem, she will speak to him first.
Then you need to decide what would be a suitable peace offering from your stepmother, whether it’s books or art supplies or funds, take it, and let that be the end of it.” Lily_May
2. WIBTJ If I Don't Consider The Visitors' Dietary Needs On My Kids' Birthday?
“I am in the early planning stages for my kids’ birthday in July, which is very hot where we live.
I am considering renting a local park pavilion with a splash pad. With 44 people (16 kids), it’ll definitely be a good way to keep everyone cool without making a huge mess of my house.
The problem is that just in my immediate family alone, we have a lot of complicated food restrictions. We have several that are vegan and gluten-free, as well as keto. Eating together is always a challenge, but for birthday parties past, I’ve always gone out of my way to accommodate everyone, both with main dishes and desserts.
Obviously, if we do the party at home, I can accommodate as usual. But for a park pavilion party, I think food really needs to be ‘open and served’.
I am considering just ordering pizza delivery because it’s cost-effective and easy—but there are no delivery places near us with vegan, gluten-free, or keto options, and there’s no reasonable way to prepare our own keto and vegan food on the side.
Of course, I could still accommodate with cupcakes, but I need to prioritize simplicity, and I am at a loss for the main dish.
The rental is only for a 2-hour window, so I know they could simply eat beforehand, but I feel very guilty doing that (especially when I’ve always accommodated in the past).
If I just let the people with food restrictions know the menu is pizza delivery but vegan, gluten-free, or keto cupcakes will be provided, ”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think people that have very strict dietary requirements should be prepared to either not eat or bring their own food. I understand ordering some plain cheese pizza and a couple of pepperonis or whatever, but if you have more extreme restrictions, you can’t expect everyone to cater to you. Especially at an event with almost 50 people. You want to provide food, but you aren’t a food court.
NTJ.” disturbed3215
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not having a picnic/everything-is-cool party where every family brings their own picnic basket with foods they want for their dietary needs. Just have 1 vegan cake and one regular and beverages, snacks like chips, plates, cups, etc. They can also just come for cake and only stay an hour if they want. I5 minutes if they want. All day.
Everything is cool with you. Or almost everyone likes fruit. Have a potluck fruit party. Fruit will help with hydration in heat. Think outside the box. You could even have a watermelon seed-spitting contest. Gross but hilarious.” Ok-Respect-4201
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I think substantial snacks rather than a meal are the way to go here. Cut veggies and fruit, sliced cheese and deli meats, some kind of hummus or dip, regular and gluten-free crackers, chips, and cupcakes.
People who want to make a meal out of it can, and people who just want to snack can get dinner later. Better than having pizza sit getting cold while kids run around the water park, and then announce that they’re hungry once they’re tired.” Scrabblement
1. AITJ For Wanting My Father-In-Law To Pay The Price Of A New GoPro?
“My wife (F27) and I (M27) had a GoPro5 which we used only like 20-30 times in the 6 years we had it, nothing extreme, mostly on a beach, so it was in a really good condition. FIL, his wife, and her daughter went to Mexico for 2 weeks to visit a friend of theirs and asked to borrow our GoPro. We gave it to them along with a few accessories including a spare side door (it covers the charging port, without it the camera is not waterproof) which can be easily broken off during charging.
A few days later, FIL asked me how to replace the door bc it broke off. I sent a video on how to replace it, he said it helped. I specifically asked whether he could properly close the door because, without it, water can damage it. He said yes. (Later it turned out that the door didn’t brake, simply got off the GoPro, but I think that is irrelevant.) The next day he messaged me that water got into the GoPro and it won’t turn on.
We discuss it (let it dry, try again in a few days, don’t charge until then, etc.) Sadly it doesn’t work. I don’t know whether the door had failed or they didn’t close it properly or something else had happened. FIL said that their friend has a used GoPro8 which he can buy for $250 to reimburse us. My wife and I said don’t buy it because on the official website a brand new GoPro8 is the same price and obviously, we would rather buy a new one for the same price.
Additional info: you can’t buy older models anymore. Furthermore, we said to FIL that we would rather buy the latest model (GoPro 11) and we would pay for the difference but don’t worry about it for now, enjoy the holiday. There was a discount on the website so we bought it right away for $400.
They got home a few days ago and asked what should he pay.
My wife said that we had to buy a few accessories too that we had for the old one but don’t compatible with the new camera, in total we spent $450, pay half and we are square (it is less than the used camera would have been). FIL said ok but made a strange face, I asked what is the problem and he said that they found a used GoPro5 for approx.
$100-125, so of course he would pay but he had hoped that it would be less. I said sorry but I would be afraid to buy a used one from strangers because I don’t know the condition and if it will fail me, especially if on a holiday, it would be bad. In my opinion, if you break it you buy a new one, but I completely understand he shouldn’t buy the latest model, but I won’t be satisfied with a used one either.
It is worth mentioning that we renovated our flat last year and he helped a lot for free. We never asked, he offered to help and won’t expect or accept payment. So AITJ for expecting him to pay the price of a new GoPro and won’t settle for a used one even though he helped us renovate recently for free?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your FIL was happy to pay what your product was worth.
It wasn’t a brand-new GoPro; it was in used condition.
You really took advantage of this situation and forced him to pay far more than he should’ve had to. If you want a new, shiny GoPro, you’re responsible for paying for it; your FIL should only have to pay the cost of the broken device.
He should be paying $125 for your new GoPro and not more than that.
But I really think the fact that he helped you renovate your flat for free is important here. Maybe he’ll be smarter in the future and bill you both. Your father-in-law, based on that information, sounds incredible and shouldn’t be taken advantage of.” SeekingBeskar
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Actually, when you break something, you either pay the amount it takes to fix it or you pay for a replacement of equal value.
Since your GoPro5 wasn’t new, its replacement value is the market value of a used GoPro5, in this case, $100–$125.
Furthermore, your FIL is of the ‘family helps family’ school of thought. That’s why he was willing to help you renovate but refused to accept payment.
You could’ve waited until your FIL got home and you both searched for a replacement camera together.
You could’ve come to a compromise and found something for a price you were both okay with. Instead, you chose to jump the gun and immediately overspend way more than your camera’s worth without your FIL’s permission.
Your FIL loved you like family when he had the chance, and you actively took advantage of him when you got a chance.” Sea_Rise_1907
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you should have just taken what the amount of the original camera that was damaged was worth. It doesn’t matter if he agreed to give you more. You shouldn’t be greedy to your own family like that.
You don’t want a used GoPro, which is fair enough but don’t expect a new one that’s a whole lot more expensive.
If you had to borrow someone’s phone and you managed to break it by accident, Would it be fair that the person gets a phone that’s worth a whole lot more than their previous phone?
(Like from a Samsung A series to an S series, for example), then expects you to pay half for the S series phone? Shelling out 500 dollars for their 1000-dollar phone because you broke their 300-dollar phone?
Would you find that fair?” SpeedBlitzX
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