People Are Eager To Gain Insight Into Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Being Rude To My Cousin After She Congratulated Me On My Pregnancy?
“I (25F) recently found out that I’m pregnant. The only people who know are my husband, mom, brothers, and my husband’s family. I have a cousin (23F) who I haven’t seen in about 10 years as she lives in Belgium and I live in the US.
From time to time, she reaches out to me.
A couple of days ago, my cousin texted me and congratulated me on my pregnancy, and I was really shocked at how she knew. I didn’t want any of my extended family to know yet.
I told her it was such a random thing for her to say, and I brushed it off. She had said that her mom (my aunt) had told her, and she just wanted to give her congrats. I told her I wasn’t pregnant, and she started apologizing, saying it was probably a miscommunication.
I just left her on read. Then she texted me again saying, it was my mom who told her mom, and now she’s confused. I told her it would’ve been better if she didn’t ask me at all and that I would’ve wanted to announce it instead on social media.
I deleted the chat, and she just left me on read. I don’t know if I reacted a bit rude to her. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Obviously so is whoever told her without checking with you first, but it’s not an everyone situation since your cousin is definitely not at fault here.
I feel sorry for the poor girl, she was trying to be nice and then suddenly you were giving her conflicting information and everything. It’s unfortunate that word spread without your say-so, but the best thing to do in this situation would have just been to say ‘Thank you, but I’m trying to keep it quiet for now’ rather than confusing her and making her feel like she did something wrong.” spacemonkeypantz
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You most definitely were rude for absolutely no reason. Somebody heard from a third party that you are expecting and out of the kindness of their heart they wanted to congratulate you because that’s what nice people do.
And instead of just saying oh thank you but I wasn’t ready for family members to know can you please make sure not to tell anybody you had to be mean to her. Maybe you should be talking with your aunt and asking her not to be telling people instead of snapping at your cousin for doing nothing but being a kind person.” Aquarius052
Another User Comments:
“‘The only people who know are my husband, mom, brothers, and my husband’s family.’
Not your fault your mom spilled it, but you clearly need to be choosier.
YTJ. Your cousin did nothing wrong. If your mom is telling people without your permission, that’s the issue that needs to be addressed. The cousin clearly didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to know and was being kind.
You could have just said you weren’t ready to announce and asked her to be sure not to tell anybody. It’s one thing to be caught off guard but she reached out to you twice, by the second time you should have been able to formulate a better, less rude response.
I get not wanting people to know til you’re ready. There’s clearly an issue here with the people you told (at least your mom) not respecting that. But you should take it up with them, not your cousin. You should probably assume that she’s told other people too.
The childishness of your responses to your cousin is concerning to me because you’re about to become a mother. I hope you’re able to mature fast, for the baby’s sake.” Afraid_Sense5363
19. AITJ For Wanting To Make Sure My Husband And Kids Can Take Care Of A Dog Before Getting One?
“Before we got married and had kids my husband and I agreed that all big decisions required two yes or no votes.
Well, our two oldest kids and my husband want a dog. I do not. I have heard too many horror stories about a family getting a pet and then the person who did not want it being stuck caring for it.
I finally agreed on three conditions. One, smaller than sixty pounds, we do not need a mastiff. Two, a nonshedding dog only. None of us are allergic, I just don’t want extra work. Three, for sixty days in a row they had to collect all the garbage from all the trash cans in the house and put it in the big garbage bin.
That was to make sure they would remember to feed a dog every day. And for sixty days they, all three of them, had to go for a one-mile walk twice a day. With the GPS route tracker active. If they missed a day they had to start over.
The longest they have made it so far is two weeks.
My parents called me up to say I was being ridiculous and petty. I 100% agreed with them. But since they always side with the kids I was ready for them.
I sent them a link for a dog walking service in my area. It is very reasonable. I said if they wanted a say in the dog decision they had to agree to set up an account with that company and that I could call up the company for help whenever their precious, perfect, grandchildren and son-in-law forgot to take care of the dog.
They said I was being a jerk and that they had the right to their opinion. I agreed that they had that. But unless they were willing to pay to include their opinion in the decision it did not matter.
My husband has finally seen that the kids aren’t responsible enough to have a dog. Great. He said we needed to tell them. I said that ‘we’ was one too many people. I wasn’t the one who sided with them when I had said I knew they were not ready.
He thinks I’m being a jerk.
No one has called me a jerk but that’s only because they say it in much more polite terms.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
A dog is a living creature. It needs exercise and attention every day.
And if you get a puppy or untrained dog, it needs HOURS of work, per day, to learn basic commands and skills (drop it, stop, come, and heel are absolute musts for the dog’s own safety!)
You don’t want the responsibility to fall on you.
Your parents and your family want you to take on all the responsibility silently as a ‘mom’ and not complain. God no.
Getting a dog is 100% within the control of your husband and kids. They have chosen not to have one.
Also: if you want a no-shed dog for cleaning, that’s fair! Also keep in mind brushing is important for dogs with long hair, double coats, or curly coats (poodles, doodles). That’s lots of extra care, and I think a ‘low-brush’ rule added to the ‘no shed’ rule would be a fair addition.” Lily_May
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I love your method of having the kids (and husband) prove they’re ready to care for a dog, and I don’t think any of your conditions (size and shedding) are unreasonable, as those would be an extra hassle for you.
Also, I like your pre-prepared advice to grandparents. If they want a say in the dog debate, they should contribute to the maintenance. But they can’t just coerce you to do something when they’ll ultimately hold no responsibility.
I do actually think your method of checking responsibility may be a little extreme. Arguably, they don’t all have to walk every day, if they could split it between the three of them, that would still be enough. Purely my personal opinion, but I just would have thought if they could stick to splitting it between the three of them for six weeks, that would still prove there’s no reason for you to have to contribute.
However, I do think that you should be part of the conversation (united front) where you and your husband tell them that this exercise has shown they’re not ready, and you’re not willing to be the one who has to pick up the slack.
You have enough to do already, and you really don’t want a dog, so why should it end up on you? Your husband should take the lead, as he’s the one that’s hyped them up, encouraged them, and who has realized they’re not ready, but you could still be involved.” tiaallyce23
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You set your very reasonable terms which outlined how much work a dog can be, and really they are even more because of the various costs, training, and messes that are all factors. You knew from the beginning they wouldn’t be up to the task but they wanted to push and push and push, so you gave them an opportunity.
They failed. So now it’s time they admit they failed and you all move on. Your husband is included in this and needs to own up to his mistake and show the kids how to be responsible. ‘Hey guys, remember how mom gave us all those things we had to do to get a dog?
We aren’t doing very well. It’s made me realize we aren’t ready for a dog so the answer is going to be no.’ And boom done. The kids will be upset for a few weeks and then get over it bc they are kids.” Babybatgirl2002
18. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Come With Me To A Wedding?
“My (25F) partner (27M) and I have been together for about 1.5 years and live together. We moved to a new city together 6 months ago and have been struggling to make new friends here. My partner had been talking about going on a trip with friends from college for a while to relieve the stress from the new city and his job here that he doesn’t like.
This was fine with me, except that they booked it without telling me the dates first. I found out a few days after the Airbnb and the flights were booked that it was the same weekend as my best friend’s wedding.
This wedding has been planned for the entire time we have been together and I am a bridesmaid so I expected him to have a general idea of when it was but when I brought up buying flights for it he said ‘Oh gosh is that this year.’
He texted his friends about the conflict and they said that I was stupid for making him go to a wedding and they would be mad if he canceled. Now they are refusing to reschedule their trip and he is choosing to go to the cabin with them instead of the wedding.
(Airbnb should be refundable 4 months out and he is the only one flying.) I told him this was unacceptable because he was the one who messed up the dates and the wedding was a prior commitment, and more important than smoking in a cabin with his friends.
I didn’t expect for the fight to go this far but he is saying I’m making him choose between me and his friends. My POV is that his friends’ behavior is neither my fault nor my responsibility and they are choosing not to reschedule when they could.
At first, I was fine with him taking this trip another weekend but now the fight has escalated and I don’t like how his friends are treating me and this situation. I told my partner that they were immature losers that don’t have real jobs and live with their moms and if he chose them over me then he wasn’t mature enough to be in a serious relationship.
(He took this personally)
Now I am putting my foot down that if he doesn’t go we are breaking up. He says it’s not fair for me to give him an ultimatum. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘Is that this year’ – what a bunch of immature crap.
It’s very clear the wedding date is not a surprise and your partner is going to be miserable about this. I probably wouldn’t want him around, which means he’ll get his way and go on the other trip, but the situation has already gone bad and can’t be fixed.
While his friends can’t be held responsible for the conflicting dates, he could at least have made an attempt to reschedule. It’s also possible they don’t have the whole story, but not your job to fight them or talk them into changing their plans.
It’s unfortunate you don’t know many people in your new city, but it seems like this is the opportunity for you to reconsider your situation and 1) Find another date for the wedding if you so desire and 2) Move where you want to go without him.” Catman934
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
It’s not okay they messed up the date for their trip and won’t reschedule. But at the same time, making an ultimatum about something like that and insulting his friends seems ridiculous. He didn’t choose between his friends and you.
He decided between your friends and his friends. Which seems valid.
Just go to the wedding alone and enjoy that day. You don’t need him there. When I’m invited to a wedding I usually don’t take my husband with me because he doesn’t enjoy such.
It’s not a big deal.” AlHazard33
Another User Comments:
“YTJ… Here’s why.
While yes it’s messed up he forgot. Your friend is not his priority. She’s your friend, not his. He probably got excited about seeing his friends.
Now this is not why you are the jerk… you want to force him to go somewhere he does not to go because you RSVPed… He is not going to have a good time because he is being forced to be there.
Which will also ruin your time there. Which will be your fault for forcing him to do something he would rather not do. It doesn’t matter if he knows her, it doesn’t matter if he knows two other people there.
Those are not his friends. So now you are making someone else’s wedding about you because once there it will be an issue and I can only imagine how big it will be if he is not acting to your liking.” Lanetta1210
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – Your partner messed up and I get why you’re mad. But, it’s not his friends’ fault. They don’t have to reschedule their trip to accommodate you and they did nothing to deserve to be called losers, etc. in this situation.
This situation is 100% your partner’s fault. I gave you a jerk vote over how you’re handling this situation. Threats and ultimatums (especially over this) are immature and unproductive to a healthy relationship.
Additionally, is this really the hill to die (or blow up your relationship) on?
Are you having other issues in your relationship that you haven’t shared? Finally, you’ve also framed this situation in a way that unnecessarily backs you into a corner. I don’t see it as your partner choosing his friends over you.
It sounds like he’s choosing a vacation with his friends over (a non-vacation) of attending the wedding of your friend. Just because the wedding is more important to you does not mean it’s more important to him. If he really is lonely in your new city and hates his job, I can understand why he would want to choose his friends over the wedding.” Remarkable_Buyer4625
17. AITJ For Telling My Parents That I'll Only Be My Sister's Guardian If I Get Their Entire Estate?
“I (F23) have been told my entire life that if anything happens to my parents I will be my sister’s guardian. She is 33 and has some disabilities. She is currently living in a group home. The government pays for a good portion of the cost but not all.
My parents have made sure that they have accessed every resource available for her to make sure she has as good a life as she can.
We were visiting her this last weekend when they brought it up again. They are both reasonably healthy but they both had health scares in the last couple of years.
They once again said that I would be her guardian.
I have been giving this a fair bit of thought. I have two older brothers. They are both married and established in their careers. They would be better choices than me.
I want to go see the world. I am lucky enough that my job can be done from anywhere that I can access the internet.
When we went to dinner I brought it up and said that I had three ideas: They make all three of us her guardians so we could split the responsibilities and duties; They leave their entire estate to my sister in a trust that will oversee her care; or they leave me their entire estate with the proviso that I become her sole guardian and take full responsibility.
Minus sentimental stuff for the rest of my family obviously.
I thought that was fair since it’s not like they are rich and their estate will mostly consist of their house and the insurance policies they took out when they realized the long-term costs of care for my sister.
They said that I’m trying to shirk my responsibility to my sister and that I’m greedy for trying to get everything.
I had one last suggestion and they really hated it. I said that they were welcome to cut me completely out of their will.
But that had to include guardianship of my sister. They could leave everything to her and my brothers but that meant I would be completely free of responsibility for her care.
My dad got really angry and my mom was crying when I left.
My brothers both called me to say I was being a jerk for springing this on my parents. And that I was being greedy trying to keep them and their families from getting anything when our parents pass away. I asked both of them if they wanted 100% responsibility for our sister in return for the entire estate.
I volunteered to sign away everything to them. Neither one took me up on the offer.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your brothers think it’s unfair for you to receive everything they should be jumping at the opportunity to get everything.
That’s the sign of a really good deal. If someone would take it from you. Your parents are kind of jerks for dumping all of this on a young woman. Not that you couldn’t handle it. Just that it’s not fair when there are other family members that could help.
You sound pretty grounded though. And willing to advocate for yourself. I hope you have a great life. Good luck with this situation.” SecretJealous4342
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The ages suggest that the entire reason they had another child was to take care of your sister (sorry to sound so blunt).
The fact that you’re a girl is just another reason – but they told you this all your life in hopes you’d accept it.
Stand your ground and be firm on this – your choices are all logical and fair.
This is a huge responsibility for anyone to take on and it’s not unreasonable that any finances available are used to support your sister and her guardian – whether that be you or somebody else.
To be clear as well – you are not trying to shirk your responsibility because you do not have at this time a responsibility to your sister.
Your parents have a responsibility to her – but you do not. You are negotiating what it would take for you to assume that responsibility.
I think it’s worth also informing your family what you will do in the event they try to force your hand by, as an example, splitting their estate 4 ways but stating you are to be her guardian – look into options.
I would presume that they cannot legally make you her guardian without her consent – so you need to be clear that if they stipulate it in their will as a preference you will not comply and will not do it and that leaves her more vulnerable because there is no plan in place.” semicoloncait
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And I don’t believe you can be compelled to accept guardianship of your sister, by the way. Your parents are in a fairyland, thinking they can pass this enormous responsibility to you – the youngest sibling with the fewest resources – just because you’re the girl.
If none of the siblings want to accept guardianship I think your parents should will a substantial portion of their assets in a trust overseen by a financial guardian to provide for your sister, and everyone agrees who will have power of attorney for major decisions, medical care, etc. Whatever is left can be divided between the rest of you.” Sweeper1985
16. AITJ For Pointing Out That My Friend's Project Is Similar To An Existing Film?
“I (20f) have a friend who is doing film at university.
As part of his end-of-year showcase, he has to do a collab project with other people in his course and produce a 30-minute short film. He asked me a few weeks ago to do the music and then to fill in for his main actress who had to drop out.
I agreed to both.
The issue is that as I was reading the script and looking at the storyboard panels, something looked weirdly familiar about it all. Then it clicked: the general plot, locations, and even camera angles were almost identical to a movie that already exists.
The only main difference being the main characters are now a young girl and boy rather than a younger boy and older man.
I told my friend the next time I saw him and he began to massively freak out.
Apparently, he had no idea and that it was someone in his group who had suggested the idea and offered to work on the storyboard panels and script. It was clear this girl was straight-up plagiarising the movie and since the movie wasn’t too big, I guess she thought it would fly under the radar.
Then his worry turned into anger. He told me that I shouldn’t have told him because now he’s an ‘accomplice’. I apologized and said I was trying to help him but now he’s not really talking to me outside of the project.
I tried to talk to some of the other people in the group about it and 3/5 of them are mad at me for bringing it up. One of them said they ‘knew what they were doing’ with the project and that I ‘got in the way’.
I should note that I am not doing the same course as my friend and I do not get a grade for any work I do for it, so realistically, if they got in trouble for plagiarism, I wouldn’t be affected.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. The girl is a jerk, and she’s sabotaged a group project. Would they rather hand it in and have the prof recognize the plagiarism? Speaking as a professor, I would advise them to come clean with the prof right now.
They might get an extension, or the work might be evaluated with the situation in mind, and the prof might take action against the single student responsible.
In any case, you did the right thing – and you just told them, not the professor, so they really should be grateful rather than angry.
They asked you to contribute substantially: music and main lead, and it’s not even your course credit. You don’t want to be associated with a work of obvious plagiarism, so I would withhold contributions unless they make this right.” changelingcd
Another User Comment:
“NTJ
He needs to learn to manage his anger, as it shouldn’t be directed at you.
He’d be in trouble regardless as soon as all the film professors, faculty, and other students saw it and immediately clock it as a forgery.
He should be thanking you because now they have time to speak with the student, their professor, their team, etc., and get it fixed.
Also, it sounds like some people knew it was plagiarized. And they didn’t care. So. Let them be mad, ain’t none of your business.
All you did was point something out to your ‘friend.'” phenomstar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He was an ‘accomplice’ anyway. It will be assumed that they were all colluding. When it comes to dishonesty and collusion, often ignorance is no excuse.
If you lend someone your work and they copy it or lend it to someone else, it’s often still considered partially your fault.
Better to know in advance and deal with it now than submit an assignment, get zero, and then try to explain your way out of it.” Natural_Garbage7674
15. AITJ For Telling My Coworker Off After She Insulted My Spending Habits?
“I (27F) work in an office (this office is inside a hotel). I started in 2019, so this is my first job.
I really get along well with my co-workers, but M (29F) is annoying. I really don’t understand why M is always so conscious about my appearance or my belongings, for example, one time, she noticed that I used an eraser because I lost my earring back – she asked me if I had more of the eraser because she lost her earring back too (how she notices!) Another time, she asked me why my father drove me to work when I should come here alone (I think she’s jealous, but I don’t know).
M always berated my opinions about me not having kids – I really don’t understand her fixation on me. A co-worker asks me what my plans are for my future, and I always say that I want to travel. Then M told me that I’m immature and I don’t know anything about life and I should want to be a mom because for her that is the best thing that happened to her.
I said ‘Good for you, but I don’t like kids so being a mom is not my plan.’
M then told me ‘That’s because you are immature, you spend most of your money on your cellphone’. I smiled at her and told her ‘Of course, I don’t have kids, so I can spend money on myself’ but then she says ‘Of course, you don’t pay for anything, you are immature and only think about travel, you should be more mature’ – she doesn’t know if I help my parents or not, though it’s not her business so I maybe I was a jerk when I said ‘it’s your problem if you have kids with different men, but that’s not my case so I can spend money on myself because I don’t want or have kids.’
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She’s a regretful parent and her way of coping with that is to believe that her normal is the only possible plan. Unfortunately for her, you are a clear reminder that that’s not the reality.
Her badgering is what started this.
However, workplaces can be difficult to navigate. Next time she says anything reply ‘My family planning choices and finances are nothing to do with you or anybody else, especially in the workplace.’ If she continues repeat that and add ‘If this continues I will make an official complaint.’ And follow through in the first instance to the supervisor then the manager then HR with each instance.
DOCUMENT everything. Every time she says something, your response, the complaint you make, and the management response.
Because honestly, this is very firmly in the gender-based expectations and a walking HR case.” Minoush19
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are telling the truth.
M is the jerk for 1. getting into your business that does not in any way shape or form affect her, IE, your father dropping you off at work. 2. Calling you ‘Immature’ because you choose not to have kids and want to travel.
and 3. Stating you should want to be a mom, as it’s the ‘best thing,’ which is ridiculous.
She sounds jealous that you have more disposable income than she does, and more freedom because you made different choices than she did.
She pushed you to the point you lashed out at her, and quite frankly, it was justifiable.” Konocti
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There is nothing ‘immature’ about not wanting to have kids and being clear about that. You were kind of a jerk when you intimated that she’s wrong for having kids with more than one man.
I do get how mad you are at her. People who dig at you about having kids are a nightmare – they have no idea why you don’t have kids. For all she knows, you could be infertile, you could have had multiple miscarriages.
For what it’s worth, people like that are often jealous – you don’t have to spend all your money on kids, you don’t have to always put someone else first.” Fantastic-Ad-3910
14. WIBTJ If I Sell My Son's Car For A More Reasonable One?
“Our son is 18 and is soon to graduate high school. When he was 16, we bought him a nice car when he got his license. It was just a reward for being an all-around good kid. He took good care of the car and never got in trouble over it.
Now he’s going to college and we’re thinking of getting him a different one that’s a little more reliable and better suited for where he’s going to college. We were going to sell his current one and use that money to buy a new one then give him whatever the difference was.
We of course talked to him about this and he of course pushed back saying he wanted to keep his current one. We told him that it’d probably be better to get an SUV of sorts since it’ll snow pretty often in the winter where he’s going up in the Northeast.
We didn’t really get anywhere in the conversation the first time. We really think this would be the best decision to make for a whole host of different factors. We’re thinking about doing it anyway even if he’s not on board.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You gave him a gift and now want to take it back to trade it in for a cheaper option that he doesn’t want just because it is an SUV. Just because you say you will give him the difference in cost doesn’t make it better.
He’s 18 and old enough to make the decision on his own what he drives. Either your fears will be unfounded (and depending on where he is in the NE he may not be driving all that much during term anyway) and he gets to keep the car he prefers, or he will come to the conclusion on his own that he needs different transportation.
I get that you are a panicked, worried parent whose kid is flying the nest and you want to keep ‘protecting’ him by controlling his life like you did when he was 8, but this is just going to show him you can’t be counted on not to pull back anything he’s been given just because you think you know best. Unilaterally taking back something that was a gift is up there with breaking promises.
Earning back that trust is a long hard road.” NotMyName919
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You gave him the car. It’s his. Let him decide its fate. He might get to college and decide that he really wants the SUV. Or he might get there and be glad he had what he had.
Once you get rid of it, you can’t undo that. But you can get the SUV later if he realizes that suits his needs better.
College is where he’s going to learn to be an adult and make tough real-world choices.
Let this be one of his first big ones. Let this be the point where you release the reins and stop deciding what’s best for him. Trust him to make it work and just be his safety net.” EvidenceOk7759
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. I understand you are coming from a caring perspective about safety in winter driving, I really get that. However, he is going to college and he is going to have to live with the decisions he makes now. You gifted him that car that he has cared for and it is his, not yours.
He showed that he can be responsible. Now you have to trust him. And be there when or if he changes his mind.
Also, I might add the cost of an SUV for a college student might be too much, those gas tanks are killer as my soon-to-graduate college daughter found out when she borrowed our SUV.
She was actually happy to hand the keys back so she wouldn’t ever have to fill that tank again. LOL.” Particular_Elk3022
13. AITJ For Wanting To Kick Out My Husband's Brothers?
“In August of ’21, my husband (28M) and I (27F) purchased our new-build home and moved in.
His 17-year-old brother at the time moved in with us so he could finish high school with his friends, as their mother moved to a different city to be close to her partner.
We have a 3-year-old daughter, and space in our home is limited. An agreement was made that his brother would help with chores and generally just hang out with us and behave like a family member.
He helps with nothing and basically just uses our resources. He also cops an attitude with me whenever I ask him to help with something, which – at most – is usually to do a few dishes or take the trash down.
He’s broken our washing machine and dishwasher, and stained the carpet in his room.
In December, my husband’s other younger brother (26M) moved in with us. He’s a recovering addict with anger issues, so I was already hesitant, but we wanted to help him get ahead.
We haven’t charged either of them any rent.
Lately, they’ve both been eating us out of the house and home. The older one has asked for funds on several occasions. They are constantly making huge messes despite me essentially begging them to stop.
It’s to the point I have to spend a good portion of every day cleaning, or the house becomes a pigsty. Promises are made and constantly broken, I could go on for an entire novella about all the issues.
When they moved in we let them know our daughter was an early riser and very energetic, so if they didn’t want to be bothered by noise in the mornings they’d have to use some sort of sound machine or fan.
My daughter was playing, and the older one came out of the room and scolded her for making noise. I immediately got defensive, and he snapped back at me, cursed, and slammed his door.
I guess I’m just at a loss.
I’m happy to help people in need but at this point, it feels like we are being taken advantage of. My husband does little to address these issues, I’m not sure why. He wants to help, but he’s a pushover.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You need to have a frank discussion with your husband. He is letting them and their needs and wants be placed in front of your child and your needs.
They need to have a ‘Come to Jesus’ moment.
Your husband is enabling them currently. They need to face the hard consequences of their actions and your family needs to be protected. He should have them sign a lease that clearly defines expectations and rent payments. They are taking advantage of your family, and your husband is letting them.
He needs to establish hard boundaries and if they don’t do what they agreed to, they need to be kicked out/evicted. He has to be willing to follow through on this.” BizAnalystNotForHire
Another User Comments:
“NTJ 1000 times over. Here is how to fix this:
First of all, the older BIL is harming and endangering your daughter and is hounding you for funds. Also, he curses at you. No way do you accept this. He has to go NOW. Your child is the most important person in this scenario and the scolding is unacceptable.
The treatment of you in your own home is unacceptable. Out. Tomorrow. Protect your kid.
Second, the younger BIL isn’t harming your daughter but is turning your house into a pigsty, isn’t keeping his word to help out, and is causing you to spend time cleaning up after him.
Maybe after he sees the older BIL thrown out, he’ll get that he needs to straighten up.
Write out a list of things younger BIL is expected to do. Put it into contract form. If he has finished school (or if he’s working while attending school), demand rent.
It doesn’t have to be much but he has to contribute. Give him a month to comply. If he hasn’t complied, he’s out. Let him go join his mother in another state. Bye-bye.
Also, if you simply want privacy in your own home, to which you’re entitled, he could be the nicest person in the world and you still wouldn’t have to keep him living with you.
Help him find another living situation and get him out of your home.
Third, you have a husband problem, and it’s a serious one. He has allowed this situation to fester and doesn’t seem to have the interest or the backbone to fix anything, despite its impact on you and, most importantly, your daughter.
Perhaps you can use the money you save feeding and taking care of older BIL, who should be gone TOMORROW, to pay for some couples’ therapy. Your husband’s apparent apathy and passivity in this situation are unhealthy and impact you very negatively.
He needs to fix this.” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you have a husband issue, not a BIL(s) issue. Your priority HAS to be your young daughter. If your husband won’t set and hold reasonable boundaries, like ‘clean up after yourself, pitch in with chores around the house, etc, then you need to find a different living situation.
Sit your husband down and let him know he is in danger of losing his wife and daughter unless he steps up and becomes a real partner. His family is the issue, so it’s up to him to take the lead on this.” JEFFinSoCal
12. AITJ For Not Being Able To Take Care Of Our Twins While Working From Home?
“I work as a professional writer (Novelist and Screenwriter), I work in an office that I built out in our garden, so technically I work from home, but I rarely leave my office before 5 PM every day.
My wife used to work as a Flight Navigator, before taking time off when our two sons were born.
After they were born we both agreed that she would not go back to work and would stay at home to raise the kids, that was 8 months ago. They are almost 1 year old now and my wife has suddenly told me that she misses work and desperately wants to go back.
I told her, that was great and that I support her. But then she said that I would have to stop working during the day to look after our children. I told her I couldn’t do that, and suggested we hire a Nanny.
We have the money for it. But she got really angry and shouted at me, supposedly it was awful of me to think that our children could be looked after by a professional while I work.
She then began to insult my work and said that I could easily stop my work and look after the children during the week.
I was only in the garden. But what I try to tell my wife is that I built the office away from my house so that I could have separation from my home life and work life.
I love my wife very much, but I’m so confused by her actions right now.
I really can’t tell if I’m in the wrong for suggesting that I can’t look after the children on a day-to-day basis because of my job.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but my guess is you are approaching the situation logically when the reality is more of an emotional issue.
It’s really common for new moms to lose their sense of identity. Your wife is understandably stuck between wanting a career and not wanting her kids to be raised by a nanny. She may be a bit resentful that she was the one who had to give up her career while you get to keep yours.
I get that this was all decided beforehand, but you can never really know how you will feel about a situation until you are in it. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, but I would take this as a sign your wife is struggling and needs some help.
You won’t be able to find a solution until you work through whatever problems she’s having emotionally.” AffectionateTruth147
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – It seems like more might be going on under the surface here. I wonder if your wife is struggling with a feeling of guilt about wanting to go back to work and therefore giving up the idea of her children being raised by a family member.
There is a lot of subtle judgment put on women for this, that I don’t think men realize, and often don’t get landed with themselves. It might explain her feeling that you should look after them instead of her as the next best family-carer option.
I could see how this might seem unreasonable on the surface, but I wonder if more is at stake here for her, emotionally or ‘morally’, than she feels comfortable verbalizing or even has articulated to herself. Knowing this doesn’t necessarily solve the problem, but factoring in these possible emotional undercurrents might help you talk with her.
It might be that your discussion isn’t just about what seems like reasonable options, but also what she might feel like those options ‘say about her’ or your family, as well as how they make her feel as a mother.
This feels like a ripe opportunity for a compassionate, sweet heart-to-heart.” ParticularMind9227
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but the twins are only eight months old so your wife’s hormones are still doing the Argentine Tango! She might feel like she’s trapped at home, she might miss her coworkers, or she might be desperate to have something in her life that doesn’t revolve around the children!
As a new mum, it’s easy to feel like it’s become your whole identity.
She was very insulting towards your craft, and hormones don’t give her an absolute pass. Time for a sit-down talk where you explain how much that stung, and try to work out some manner of compromise.
Do you have a family that would be willing to take the babies for one day a week? Obviously, you can’t just give up work, but you do seem to have flexibility. Could you move your working hours around to give her a little time off?
Is daycare an option? Would she be willing to work part-time, perhaps?
A new baby is challenging enough, I can’t imagine trying to deal with two! Talk to each other, give her a little leeway with her frustration, and you’ll work something out.
Congrats on making a career out of writing, by the way, that takes considerable skill and a lot of hard work!” Entorien_Scriber
11. AITJ For Making A Pregnant Woman Upset?
“I (f26) had a baby 8 months ago. My husband’s (m27) friends had a baby 6 months ago. The friends Liv & Gus live in another state so we haven’t met their baby yet.
They came home and had a meet-and-greet party for their baby. Gus has a brother, Mark, whose wife, Ashley, is currently 17 weeks pregnant. Ashley is a super unpleasant person. She’s the type of girl to say she hates other girls and only has guy friends.
Everything is a competition with her and she needs to come out on top. Ashley was talking to me about pregnancy stuff and asked what my favorite part was. I said when I started showing, I loved having a bump.
She asked when I started showing and I told her around 15 weeks but mainly because I had lost almost 40lbs due to having hyperemesis and not being able to keep anything down and getting iv therapy to keep me hydrated. I told her when she starts showing she will be so excited. Well, that statement really annoyed her.
She was super mad at that and basically accused me of calling her fat & saying she doesn’t look pregnant. Mark told my husband I was a jerk for upsetting her while she was pregnant but I don’t think I said anything wrong.
She’s not showing. Her own sister-in-law told her she was overreacting because ‘you aren’t showing yet so why are you mad she told you it’s exciting when you do’. Pretty much the entire time I was there prior to this she wanted to make everything about her so I really don’t even feel bad that I upset her.
They’re going around to our mutual friends now and saying I was rubbing it in that I was showing early because she’s bigger and doesn’t have a bump yet and I was acting like a jerk. Why would I rub it in that I was showing early because I was sick and losing weight?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’d think Sis would be happier since she got picked, but apparently, that’s not good enough. She sounds like a miserable person who wants everyone else to be as miserable as she is, and it doesn’t sound like this is some new pregnancy-induced personality quirk.
I’d avoid contact with her as much as possible. Congratulations on your new baby, tho!” aheartthatbends
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m 18 weeks and totally agree on the baby bump.
She sounds pretty insufferable and like an awful and insecure person.
You have the patience of a saint for still being cordial with someone who clearly resents you.” Reevadare1990
10. AITJ For Not Telling My Brother My Partner Is Good At Tennis?
“I (25F) have been with my partner (29F) for a year and a half. My family never had a problem with my s****l orientation and they adore my partner.
However, she’s a lawyer and pretty professional with most people, so those who don’t know her well take her for a person who only knows how to work and nothing else. She doesn’t usually correct anyone. But she is good at a lot of things.
My brother (28M) and I have always had a kind of rivalry going on. He was the golden child and still loves rubbing things in my face. It is mostly playful but it gets very disturbing at times. Ever since I started going out with my partner, things have escalated a little bit.
He would find the smallest dumbest mistake I make and turn it into a huge issue.
We were on vacation with my extended family, including uncles cousins, etc, and my partner was also with us. There was a tennis court and my brother started challenging everyone to a mini-tournament.
My partner is an excellent tennis player (she plays tennis 3 days a week) but she was talking to my dad so she said she’d rather pass. He wasn’t having it but I talked my brother out of it and said my partner wasn’t interested.
After a few games, my brother came after her and started jokingly teasing her about being scared to play. My partner accepted the challenge and destroyed him on the court. Literally. Everyone was cheering for her and he lost the game.
My partner didn’t even celebrate her ‘win’ and said it wasn’t fair to my brother because he was playing with someone at a much higher level.
He later told me I was an absolute jerk for allowing him to make a fool out of himself.
He said I told her she wasn’t interested and that he thought I meant she didn’t know how to play. I still don’t know what his issue is but I kind of feel guilty after he lost so badly. Should I have told him my partner was a pro?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – He’s mad because he hoped to make his golden self shine even brighter, and chose someone he thought he could trounce… And she smeared him all over the court. Sorry, but he needed that lesson.
LOL.
His blaming you for his failure and shortcomings looks like an ongoing issue. I would start targeting that point every time you see him until he starts realizing that his behavior will eventually draw a more permanent line between your lives.
You don’t need to be treated like that and he needs to take responsibility or blame your parents for how he turned out, not you.” C_Alex_author
Another User Comments:
“‘He said I told her she wasn’t interested and that he thought I meant she didn’t know how to play.’
He just admitted he was only willing to play with her while he felt he was guaranteed a victory. He teased and nagged her the entire time, just so he could bug her into entering a match he ‘knew’ she was gonna lose, just so he could feel like a big boy.
C’mon.
Just tell him that this was a miscommunication caused by him. That next time he needs to communicate better and explicitly say that he’s willing to play only if he knows he’s guaranteed to win because his ego can’t handle losing.
That way you can provide appropriate adversaries, maybe small children?
He was never interested in fun play, just chasing after any chance he could to humiliate people, and didn’t like it when it was his turn to look like an idiot.
You don’t have any responsibility to be his fragile ego’s guardian.
NTJ.” uhno28
Another User Comments:
“Ha ha! That is so awesome. Sounds like everyone watching the match knows how your brother is (must be the best at everything!) and enjoyed seeing him get taken down a peg.
I’m sure he felt embarrassed, but that just comes with the territory.
Reminds me of playing checkers with my partner in college. He decided we were going to play checkers in the evenings for entertainment, so we started doing that.
He absolutely destroyed me for several days running and loved it. In the college library, I found a book about checker strategy and devoted the day to reading it. That night I beat him in 3 straight games and he never wanted to play again.
Gee, turns out there are a few ‘power’ spots in a checkerboard, that if you get there first, you have a huge advantage.
KUDOS to your partner and you are NTJ.” Far-Cup9063
9. AITJ For Saying That Being A Mother Is Not A Personality?
“My (35F) husband and I have a daughter, Maddie (5).
My friend Ollie and his wife Rebecca have a daughter, Beth (4). Ollie and I have been friends for ten years, he’s been with Rebecca for six. Rebecca and I have never had any issues, but I wouldn’t say I know her very well.
My husband and I settled abroad full-time last year as Maddie started school. I hadn’t seen Ollie in a while, so I invited him and his family to visit us for a week.
I absolutely adore Maddie, and being her mother is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.
That said, the meta experience of ‘motherhood’ is something I just don’t identify with. When I’m in social situations, I talk about Maddie when it’s topical, but I don’t talk about what it’s like ‘to be a mother’, I don’t talk about parenting or kids.
Conversely, this is the only thing Rebecca talks about. If she’s not trying to gather a consensus on parenting, she’s pre-packing snacks a day in advance even though anywhere we’re going is ten meters from a cafe. It can be very tiring, especially as most of the time these conversations are directed solely at me, and she can be very judgemental if I try to shut the conversation down.
So, five days into the visit we all decided to go in the hot tub after the kids went to bed. My husband was fetching drinks so when I went out to the hot tub only Rebecca and Ollie were there.
Ollie asked if the swimsuit was my design (I design some of my own clothes as a hobby) and I said yes, and Rebecca commented that it was ‘a bit risqué for a mum’. At this point, I was just so tired of hearing the word come out of her mouth.
I said, ‘What exactly does that mean? Do you realize being a mother isn’t a personality?’ Rebecca started tearing up and Ollie was trying to calm her down.
Eventually, she got out and went upstairs, and Ollie thought it was best to give her some space.
He said it was a harsh thing to say considering how Rebecca throws herself into parenting, but I made the point that since I’ve had a kid, he doesn’t treat me any differently so why is it fair that his wife does?
He said it’s just different because I’m not a ‘mum-ish’ type of mother while Rebecca is so it basically is her whole personality. The next day, I did say I was sorry if I’d upset her, and Rebecca said it was fine and she was just tired, but it was awkward the rest of the trip.
I’ve spoken to other friends about this and most say I was cold to say that to Rebecca because obviously being a mother is her entire identity and I basically told her it wasn’t allowed to be. I understand where they’re coming from but didn’t she basically tell me it had to be mine, also?
People also say Rebecca’s way of being is completely normal and I don’t understand because all my friends are either men or don’t have kids. I don’t think I’m wrong for what I said, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m not the jerk, so, am I?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She is the jerk for trying to shame you for showing off your body. But by the sounds of it, you have been judging her and treating her like she is less than for much longer.
It sounds like you want her to respect and support your choices to be the woman that you want to be. Even though you are not offering her the same respect. You look down on stay-at-home moms and you have made it very clear that you think you are better than her and that the things she cares about are ridiculous.
My guess is that this has become very obvious to her as you probably aren’t that great of an actress. You may not have said it outright but people can feel when you don’t respect them. Especially women and moms who are already experiencing this judgment from society.
Your values seem to align with mainstream capitalist ideology. Your value is based on accomplishments that can be monetized or on creating an image that is envied by onlookers.
Her values are more traditional. Taking on a caregiver role to support her husband and their growing children is important.
Her attachment to her children, her children’s health and education, etc, are things that she has taken on as her responsibility. She finds joy and success in creating a healthy, happy family.
Your views are different. You made different choices and have different ideas of what is happiness.
Neither is more or less than the other. Feminism isn’t about succeeding in capitalism, while also being a mother, or dressing however you want without being judged. It’s the ability to choose and to be respected no matter what choice you make.
To her, making and bringing snacks for her children is her way of supporting her family. It’s important to her that her kids have nutritious food available, and it’s important for her family that she isn’t spending money on an overpriced piece of cake described as a muffin.
It seems a little ridiculous that you feel the need to judge or be annoyed by these choices.
Being a mother is her identity right now and she is passionate about it. Pregnancy, childbirth, and everything that encompasses being a mother have inspired her to take on this identity that she is proud of.
Why are you cutting it down? Just because you don’t feel the same way? Some would argue that her interests are more in tune with nature, rather than the capitalist, materialistic, status-centered society that humans have created.
This just seems a lot like women cutting down other women and it’s pretty ridiculous.
She should not be judging your choices to show your body. But it seems like you have already created a pretty judgemental environment here. This comment might have been a good opportunity for you to explain that even moms can show off their bodies even though society tells us we shouldn’t.
That all women have the right to express themselves and shouldn’t feel ashamed too. But instead, you took it as an opportunity to cut her down for doing an already thankless, underappreciated job. She probably already gets all the judgment from men and boomers in her life.
She doesn’t need it from you too. She is probably trying to connect with you over something you all have in common – parenthood.
You probably wouldn’t be the jerk if you hadn’t spent the entire post explaining what a simpleton you thought she was for enjoying her identity as a mother.
You sound a lot like a misogynist.” Itchy-Ad-5436
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, her comment was harsh and so was yours.
She’s commenting from her perspective, which is as you said ‘Mother is my personality’. It was unwelcome and not needed. You are free to dress as you like, mother or not.
But your comment back was clearly directed at her in a way to hurt her based on your post. You can tell she values herself as a mother, she puts her dignity, pride, and worth into it. Just as much as someone who puts their worth into their art, trade skill, or work.
Can we overdo it sometimes as people putting our worth into something like that? Of course. But your comment sounds like a clear dig at where she puts her worth as a person.
I think you should have responded in a way that questioned why her comment was necessary.
That you can dress as you like. But it didn’t have to address the problems you saw in her beyond the comment. ‘I like to dress this way, it makes me feel good about myself’, ‘As a mom I can still express my personality’, or someone recommended ‘What do you mean’ which would dig deeper at her thinking and allow you to both talk about your perspectives more.
But that’s just one guy’s opinion.” Coffee_Soup
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your attire in a hot tub has nothing to do with your ability to parent, but she equated the two.
She completely and intentionally attempted to insult you (in her mind) in terms of your appearance as well as your judgment.
In her mind, you were basically inappropriate, simply because you were a mother.
The fact that she was trying to do that, opens her up to any defense, even one taken as offensive. And again it was their choice but they took it as offensive.
You simply stated an actual fact.” dart1126
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Some people dream of being a parent all their lives, so when they do have kids, they throw themselves into it fully (like Rebecca). However, Rebecca doesn’t have the right to judge other moms (like you) who have a life other than their children and who do things differently than them.
On the other hand, you’re perfectly allowed to not see motherhood as your whole existence, but you need to understand and respect that not all parents have the ability to separate who they are from their parenting responsibilities. Everyone here was judgmental about the others’ choices, rather than live and let live.” Quiet_Nerd_2148
8. AITJ For Naming My Brother As Guardian In My Will Instead Of My Sister?
“My (38f) husband died last year from ALS.
We have two children (4f and 3m). It is a generally horrific situation but we are surviving. Of course, in my newfound single motherhood, I am changing my will, etc. so that if something should happen to me, everything is arranged for my children.
To be clear, I am not planning on going anywhere anytime soon, but when your 40-year-old husband has just died and you have two preschool-age children, you take these things seriously.
I have asked my older brother (40m) and his husband (37m) to be guardians of my children should something happen to me.
It makes sense. They have a child near the age of my children. They live in the same neighborhood. We share values, our kids will go to the same schools, etc.
I mentioned this the other day casually at a family dinner and my sister was visibly unhappy.
She called me later and said that she was extremely hurt I had not asked her and her husband. She says that I should allow them to ‘make their case’ and she knows that she could give my children a better life.
The thing is a) once again not planning on dying and b) I wouldn’t want her and her husband to raise my kids if I did. First, they have a lot of kids already (9). Neither finished high school, because she got pregnant.
He is incredibly rude and she has left our Episcopal upbringing as they have drifted toward the IBLP (Institute in Basic Life Principles; the Duggars thing). I don’t want that for my kids. I don’t want them homeschooled or discouraged from going to college.
I don’t want them raised in a Purity culture.
My mom says I should hear her out even if I don’t change my mind.
So, AITJ for choosing my brother?”
Another User Comments:
“Let’s see here. On one hand, you have a brother who is married, has a child near your kids’ ages, and lives nearby so minimal disruption in lifestyle/location/schools, shares your values, and appears to be in a good position to raise 2 additional children if the worst happens.
On the other hand is your sister who can’t stop breeding and is apparently intent on spawning her own entire branch of a quasi-cult and who is married to an unpleasant, certainly patriarchal and misogynistic fellow quasi-cultist, neither of them with even an HS education.
Decisions, decisions… such a hard choice.
NOT!
What is wrong with your mother that she thinks you should consider giving your sister so much as a split second of consideration in this choice? Please make sure that ironclad paperwork is drawn up by an attorney to lock down your choice and protect your children.
You are making the choice you think is best for them and that’s all that matters. If your sister and her husband are really so desperate for two more acolytes for their compound, it doesn’t sound as if they’ll have any trouble creating them.
NTJ.” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can focus on the fact that you want to minimize the disruption to your kids’ lives if anything were to happen to you – staying in the same neighborhood at the same school and with the same friends would be for the best.
But it’s also valid to just not engage on the subject. ‘No’ is a complete answer.
Or you can be diplomatic if that’s what serves you best in terms of family harmony. ‘Thank you so much for offering to be guardians if something were to happen to me.
It’s great to know that I have multiple loving family members to watch out for the kids!’ And then change the subject.
It’s smart to have a second guardian nominated just in case your brother can’t do it. If you don’t name someone else, there’s a good chance your sister could win a petition for guardianship.
If that’s not what you want, you need to list a second person in your will. You can also explicitly state in the will that she should not be given guardianship and that your priority is to have a guardian with similar values to yours who will keep your children in the public school system and raise them with contemporary values.” pupperoni42
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re dealing with a lot right now. Just lie to your sister.
Pretend you’re willing to listen to her case and then tell her you’ll ‘consider it and let her know if you change your will’.
Don’t change your will and every time she asks about it until the youngest turns 18, say you haven’t had time to look into it because things have been busy.
Your sister will never believe that she’s a bad parent and unfit guardian for your children and it’s both your job to give her that self-awareness.
Lie to her. With 9 kids and you continuing to be alive, hopefully, she’ll forget and after feeling like she’s ‘won’, she’ll have to eventually let it go.
I’m a big proponent of lying to toxic family members.” SourNotesRockHardAbs
7. AITJ For Not Wanting My Husband To Help Out His Nephew's Mom?
“My brother-in-law doesn’t have a relationship with his son or financially contribute to his upbringing. Until recently, he denied the boy was even his but my husband had a DNA test done to find out after the son’s mother, Ashley, asked him for financial help.
Now my husband wants to give Ashley funds as she’s struggling to care for her son.
His argument is that the boy is family so he can’t just abandon him. I have a bad history with Ashley and the boy isn’t my husband’s so I told him I don’t want him helping her and that if he cared, he should speak to his brother and convince him to do the right thing.
He knows Ashley was horrible to me when we first started going out but he keeps telling me he isn’t doing it for her. He has reluctantly agreed not to give her funds after I told him I wouldn’t forgive him if he went behind my back and gave them to her.
He’s not happy about it, though, so things haven’t been good between us these last few days.
Ashley keeps texting him to try to convince him to help too, and I’m this close to telling her to get lost.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I am all for helping to step up for family, and for making parents step up for their kids.
If your husband wants to help his nephew, the best help he could offer would be to refer Ashley to a lawyer to get child support or help her fill out the paperwork to get child support, which doesn’t require a lawyer.
I get where your husband is coming from, it is to help an innocent kid – his nephew – but it is very odd that Ashley went to him for a DNA test and not for support when there are systems to help her get this all done directly with BIL.
And now she is texting him… listen I don’t like to be paranoid, but Ashley was terrible to you for no reason when you first started going out, is relying on your husband instead of the legal process, and your husband is happy to oblige, at the expense of his relationship with you and his brother.
I see a future where Ashley and your husband are a happy family, raising nephew… sorry.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not your husband’s duty to be paying for a kid that’s not his. I would also be very upset.
There are other ways to support such as occasional babysitting, taking the kid to their after-school activities if they have any, etc. If he absolutely believes he needs to support financially he should only offer to help with the cost of taking BIL to court for child support.
The DNA test proved it’s BILs son so he needs to step up and support the child. Support to make sure she is getting regular child support payments from the father would be infinitely more helpful than a one-off payment from your husband.” Voreo019
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband has a good heart and wants to help. The issue is that if he gives her the funds, he has no way of guaranteeing that it is only used for your nephew’s benefit. Ashely could spend it all on herself and your husband would have no recourse.
Ashely probably knows this and that is why she hasn’t gone after your BIL through the courts despite the confirmation that BIL is her child’s father.
You need to sit your husband down and lay it all out for him.
He probably doesn’t realize or doesn’t want to think that Ashley wouldn’t use the money solely for her son.
As a compromise would you be willing to help pay for a lawyer so Ashley can get child support set up?
That way the funds can only be used for your nephew, and it is his dad who is paying rather than your husband.” naranghim
6. AITJ For Telling My Sister That Her Kids Are Her Responsibility?
“I (F25) have never really gotten along with my older sister (F31) ‘Sarah’, I hate to use this word but she’s what you would call a ‘Karen’.
She thinks the entire world has to bow to her feet and if she says jump then the whole nation has to jump. She often brags about how bossy she is and how she always pushed me around during our childhood etc, she finds it amusing that she was horrible to me.
That is all besides the point, it’s more to paint a picture of the kind of entitled person she is (I’m not perfect either). The problem is that she has two kids (F4, F2) and after both of her births, she blocked my entire family each time.
The last time she gave birth, she blocked me and told me never to go to her house again and banned me from seeing her daughters because on the day she gave birth, I went to babysit her first child but instead of staying the whole night, I left around 7 pm even though my mom was already staying the night to look after her kids.
My sister still was offended that I left to go and take care of my dog who was home alone. After that, she went no contact with me for a year despite the fact that I reached out to her to make up, and eventually, she came back and we hashed things out.
A few weeks ago, I was at her house with my mom and little sister (F12) ‘Hana’ and my younger sister was not feeling well but my older sister was insisting that she should play with her kids and entertain them.
Seeing my little sister feeling sick and not wanting to play with the kids, I told my older sister to stop pestering Hana and that Hana didn’t need to spend every second of her time entertaining Sarah’s kids.
We ended up in a heated argument because Sarah told me that if we’re not feeling well then we shouldn’t go to her house and that we basically need to spend all of our time looking after her kids and she brought up the fact that we weren’t there for her kids when they were first born and I told her that it was her fault for banning us from seeing them.
She said that we should’ve still gone and looked after her kids because she was having a hard time. I told her that popping out kids left and right was her and her husband’s choice and that we didn’t sign an agreement to look after her children.
I told her that when I chose to have a dog, I never expected anyone else to look after him and that he was my responsibility, no one else’s and it’s the same for her kids and I ended up leaving her house.
Everyone in my family is on my side but I don’t even care about sides, I just want to know if I’m genuinely a bad aunty. I tried to be in my nieces’ lives but my sister just wouldn’t allow it, maybe I should’ve tried harder, I just don’t see how her having children is anyone else’s responsibility but hers and her husband’s.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is on a power trip where she bans you from seeing her kids and unbans you on her terms without fault or discussion. She clearly enjoys being the center of the world and now she is pushing her kids to be one too.
She is rude, manipulative, and disrespectful. People like her are narcissistic who only think of themselves and then blame you for their mistakes, you need to speak up your mind like that. She will never change tbh. Ban her from your life like she did to you.
Let her simmer in her own toxicity.” No-Difference8045
Another User Comments:
“Nope, NTJ. She told you to stay away and you stayed away. In regards to the babysitting, you don’t actually mention her asking you to ever babysit them anyway.
If it’s a once-in-a-while thing then yeah, it would be nice of you to help her out/spend time with your nieces but she’s not entitled to it (especially given the way she’s treated your family). If she needs help she should put on her big girl pants and ask for it.
She can’t just act like a jerk and then expect everyone to fall at her feet, respect works both ways.” Weak-Possession-7650
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it is a hard reality to accept that your relationship with your nieces/nephews is absolutely dictated by the relationship with your siblings.
Your sister is toxic and entitled, and you are right to set boundaries. And so long as you are OK with not having a relationship with the kids, be super-firm with the boundaries.
My wife told me bluntly that I would never be close with my sister’s kids, it hurt in the moment … because it was true.
She had done some awful stuff, we had essentially no relationship … so where would the relationship come from. On the upside, when the kids went no contact with their mom (my sister) and her entire family after the divorce, I wasn’t really impacted!” txa1265
5. AITJ For Not Inviting My Stepsister's Significant Other To My Wedding?
“My (f35) stepsister (SS, f32) and I aren’t particularly close. I met her as a teen and we just never had a sister bond, but I do generally have a good relationship with her. That said, there have also been some issues in the past with her being jealous of me.
My fiance and I also don’t get along particularly well with her SO.
We have a limited capacity for the wedding venue, so my fiance and I decided to limit +1s. Married and engaged couples get invited by name, otherwise no +1s.
The only exception to this is my fiance’s brother (they’re very close) who’s been with his SO for 11 years. Most of our guests who aren’t married or engaged are not in long-term relationships anyway, and they’ve been understanding.
SS is invited but no +1.
I told her beforehand the rule we had. She argued saying she should also be allowed to bring her SO and used my fiance’s brother as an example, but I replied that they’re closer than us, and we don’t have problems with his SO.
SS got really mad and I’m apparently devaluing her relationship.
I think she should respect our decision, and if she thinks this is ‘devaluing her relationship’, I don’t think there was much of one to begin with, and she’s jealous of mine.
My mom though sided with SS.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I think it’s interesting that you immediately jump to, she must be jealous of me/she must be jealous of my relationship. I think you just want her to be jealous of you because it makes you feel better about yourself for some reason.
She’s immediate family, she’s your sister, she should be allowed to bring her partner. While at the end of the day, it’s your wedding and your rules, the problem here is that your rules have been bent for some and not for others.
And then to justify your actions by throwing your closeness, or lack thereof, in your sister’s face is a jerk move. ‘You and I aren’t that close and besides, we like his SO a lot better’ tells me that the reason you’re not close is because you have no filter nor care for other people’s feelings.
YTJ.” Xtinalauren12
Another User Comments:
“Well, you left out a very important piece of information here: how long have your stepsister and her SO been together?
Because I’ll be frank: the ‘engaged and married couples only except for this one long-term relationship but nobody else’ thing doesn’t really hold water.
It’s your wedding and you’re entitled to invite (or not invite) whoever you like, but you don’t get to complain about the consequences/fallout of making that kind of choice. If your stepsister’s relationship is long enough to consider long-term, you are disrespecting that relationship with your decision.
Either own that and accept the consequences, or reconsider your position on the subject if you can’t deal with the fallout.
‘I don’t think there was much of one to begin with.’
And get out with this rudeness.
YTJ.” BitiumRibbon
4. AITJ For Letting My Cousin Stay With Me?
“My cousin Anna (19F) called me (29M) in tears asking if she could stay with me for a while. When I told my wife, she had no hesitation in saying yes, because we both know the situation and left to go pick Anna up.
The situation is: for her whole life, Anna has done what her parents want. This includes, how she dresses, when she has to be home, and what she studies at uni. It’s caused Anna to be very unhappy with life.
Now, anyone who knows Anna knows the one thing she loves (and is very good at) is cooking. Her parents have decided that cooking isn’t good enough and forced Anna to go to university. She just finished her first year in 2022, and unsurprisingly, she didn’t do too well, mainly because she didn’t want to be there.
When she called me, she had a massive argument with her parents where she said she was sick of them living through her, and her parents basically told her to leave the house.
When Anna got to my place, my wife and I told her she was welcome to stay with us indefinitely.
Honestly, it’s been great because her mood has definitely lifted, and my daughters adore their auntie, and she adores them.
Anna was with us for roughly a week, and then we got a knock at the door. It was my mum and Anna’s mum (sisters).
They wanted to talk to Anna, I asked Anna if she wanted me to kick them out, she said it was fine.
So, there was my mum and aunt, Anna, my wife, and myself, discussing what needs to be done about Anna.
Before anyone said anything, I asked Anna, what does she want to do. She told everyone, she wants to take culinary classes and find work at a restaurant. My aunt said that while Anna lived under her roof that would not be happening.
My wife and I said basically simultaneously, under our roof she can do that.
My mum then asks us if we were really going to insert ourselves into someone else’s family business, and I said of course, especially after Anna called us crying.
I said I’ve seen Anna be unhappy for years, and now she finally has a chance to be herself.
My aunt warns Anna if she doesn’t change her attitude she isn’t welcome back home. And this is her final chance.
Anna starts to cry and says this past week she’s been the happiest she’s ever been and she doesn’t want to leave. My aunt looks at my wife and asks if she really wants Anna to live with her.
She tells her, we have a spare bedroom with an ensuite, we make more than enough money to send Anna to culinary school, and our kids love having Anna here. I chime and say our house is bigger, cleaner, and in a much better location than my aunt’s house, and I make much more money than my aunt and uncle, so Anna is really getting a nice upgrade.
My aunt gets up and says she doesn’t need to listen to my disrespect, and my mum says that was uncalled for, but I tell my mum we all know I’m right.
So, AITJ for taking in my cousin in this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Anna is an adult and can choose who she lives with. What you are doing is wonderful, giving her support and a safe place. Just the fact that you made sure to ask Anna what she wants to do first before everyone else started ‘discussing what needs to be done about her’ is great.
Anna living with you long term will be different than a visit and there will likely be some adjustments, especially if she isn’t used to being allowed to make decisions for herself. She will probably need supportive structure and time to learn how to take charge of her life.” Reddplannet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You aren’t interfering in someone else’s family business. Anna IS your family! It is your house and your money and you are free to host whoever you want and free to financially support anyone you want.
Your aunt used ‘get out of my house!’ as a control tactic, thinking that Anna would cave in so as not to lose her housing. Your aunt didn’t want Anna to leave, she wanted Anna to submit. But that tactic didn’t work, and your aunt is taking it out on you, and has recruited your mom to be a ‘flying monkey.’ Good luck to you, your wife and kids, and to Anna.
Tell her I hope culinary school goes well.” ghosts-on-the-ohio
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but with the caveat that you behaved like one with the ‘I’m better than you because, well, money’ bit. The problem with Anna’s parents isn’t how much money they do or don’t have.
The problem is that they’re unwilling to accept that she has her own goals and dreams and that they’re not at all supportive of her following her dreams. It doesn’t take money to do that. Money is handy but it means nothing compared to having loving support.
THAT is what you and your wife have to offer her. THAT is what she wasn’t being given by her parents. THAT is what she needs the most.
You’ve done a good thing… Don’t taint it by behaving like a snob because you have more money.
That’s a crappy example to say, not just for Anna, but for your own children as well. Be better.” sweetmercy
3. AITJ For Making My Kids Swap Bedrooms?
“My husband and I have 4 children (22f, 18f, 13m, 4f). We have a 4 bedroom house. We have converted the office to a bedroom for our 4-year-old so everyone has their own room.
Our 22-year-old daughter still lives at home (for free) and works part-time and is in grad school. The 18-year-old in question here has the largest, nicest bedroom in the house. She went off to college last August (about an hour away) and has an apartment.
She does come home every weekend to see us. She has an on-campus job and isn’t planning on coming home for the whole summer. She will probably spend about half the week with us during the summer. So my husband thought that since she is only occupying the room 1-3 days a week that we should give our 4-year-old the bigger room and move her to the office.
The office is small and it would be cramped for the 18-year-old. The 4-year-old has it cramped as well because she has ALL the toys and most of her toys are set up throughout the house because her room can’t contain them.
Just for clarification purposes: all 4 children are biologically my husband’s and mine. The 4-year-old was an ‘unexpected blessing’. I don’t know if it should be noted but I do have to say out of all my children, the 18-year-old is probably the most entitled child.
Not sure why but she is and it is what is it. We love them all and really do try and be fair towards all of them.
So let me have it!”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. But can you afford to wait a year until the oldest moves out?
Then you could do a ‘room renovation’ – move the youngest to the ‘big girl room’ to celebrate starting kindergarten (or whatever grade she happens to be in), turn the other 2 bedrooms into guest rooms for whoever happens to be visiting at the time, and put any of the older girl’s special possessions into storage boxes.
While you shouldn’t have to cater to the most entitled child, it would feel fairer and it might prevent the 18-year-old from talking about how you kicked her out of her room for the next 20 years.” kitkat2492
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you would be the jerk for asking, but family dynamics are never quite as simple as if you are a jerk or not.
The fact that you are even posting here tells me you know your 18-year-old is going to have a negative reaction.
I know she is only at your house part-time, but coming back over an hour to visit every weekend is a lot for a college freshman. She may not be adjusting well to being on her own and taking away her room will make her feel pushed out of your house.
Logically your idea makes sense, but you know better than anyone here what your 18-year-old’s reaction will be. The reality may be that she stops coming to visit you because she feels pushed out, that doesn’t necessarily mean your 4-year-old should stay stuck in the office though.
I would start by having a conversation with your 18-year-old and go from there.” AffectionateTruth147
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but I’d wait until summer vacation to make the change, and only do it then if she’s actually staying in her apartment most of the time.
Psychological research shows it’s important for first-year college kids to have their home and room to come back to. Let her finish getting through this year, and then a week or so after finals let her know that since she no longer lives at home full time there’s going to be a bedroom swap.
Ask her if she’d like to do it right away, or by the end of June so she has more time to sort through her stuff. What you’re actually doing is giving her some control over the plan but within boundaries you can live with.” pupperoni42
2. AITJ For Not Apologizing For Being Late?
“I had asked my SO to play video games with me. After she set her game up, I told her I’ll be back in a bit because I returned a pot my brother lent us.
30 minutes passed, and I finally got back.
I was waiting for my brother for 10-15 minutes. When he got back, I had a conversation with him about school and programming.
When I got back my SO refused to talk to me, she said she wasn’t mad but needed time.
We didn’t have time to play the video game because she had intramurals.
An hour or two has passed, and she hasn’t spoken up. She just lays down. I then asked her again and tried to get her to talk to me.
My SO has autism by the way.
After a while of asking, she finally said she was sad and borderline upset. I asked why since 30 mins isn’t a big deal. She said, ‘We’ve had this issue before. We’ve had this talk at least 4 times.
I don’t want to have the same talk again.’
I asked her, exasperated, what am I supposed to do then? I was late, sure. But I was waiting for my brother to get back.
She just shrugged and said, ‘We’ve had this conversation.
We’ve outlined a solution and a middle ground.’
I told her it was just 30 minutes and said I’ll be back in a bit. I was getting frustrated because I don’t remember the solution.
I then told her she was being intolerable.
She got angry and said;
I have been tolerating a lot – when you broke your promise, I tolerated it because you have a difficult upbringing. When you have angry outbursts, I tolerate it. When you don’t follow plans, I tolerate it.
Like being late, you said you’ll work on it. I’ve been tolerating it. Do not tell me I’m being intolerable. I try my best to accommodate everyone – including you of all people.
She then said, it gets better for a while and then you do the same things again.
I admit, I have been late up to 2-4 hours because of my brother.
The other day, she got sent to the ER for something. She didn’t text me. I only figured it out 1 hour after I got back. She told me I can visit (we live together), just don’t ask questions because she doesn’t have the energy.
I got in and saw her asleep with IV and other stuff attached.
I eventually found out what happened, and she doesn’t want to explain in detail. We had a conversation, she shrugged over something I said. I got angry and began to whisper and yell at her.
She began crying and told me to get out. After some sorting out, I apologized for raising my voice. She said it was okay. Now I feel like a jerk.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You asked your SO to play a game – waited for her to set it up, then left for ‘a bit’ to return something to your brother who wasn’t even home.
You waited for him and then stood talking to him while your SO was waiting. Did you call her and let her know what was going on? Why did you waste time talking with your brother when you KNEW she was waiting and apparently have been told you have a problem with keeping her waiting?
You knew she had somewhere she had to go later – why didn’t you return the pot AFTER she left for her intramurals and talk to your brother when she wasn’t waiting?
You mention she has autism but it sounds like you may be on the spectrum yourself and maybe have some ADD as well.” celticmusebooks
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You said she had a limited time to game with you because she had pre-existing plans. And yet you chose the minute she gets there to take the pot to your brother? And then get mad at her for DARING to be upset that you are a giant jerk who basically wasted her time?
And you refuse to apologize because you wasted her time? And then you dare yell at her in the hospital? I hope you know that she can do much better than a gaslighting jerk who tries to blame his own shortcomings on everyone except the person to blame.
In case you missed it, that’s you OP. Apologize to your SO.” toxiclight
Another User Comments:
“Jeez, you yelled at her when she was in the hospital? That’s horrible! She’s suffering but you made it all about you because you’re selfish.
You’ve repeatedly shown no consideration for her time or her feelings. You scream at her on a regular basis, even when she was in the hospital. What you did to her in the hospital was abusive and wrong. Everything you’ve done to her was wrong because you refuse to change your bad behavior.
She deserves so much better than a jerk like you. YTJ.” ComprehensiveBand586
1. AITJ For Not Being Excited About My SIL's Pregnancy?
“Approximately 2.5 years ago my (25F) husband (27M) and I got engaged. His older sister (28F) had been with her then-partner (30M) for some time at that point. She cornered me the day we announced our engagement, and told me that I couldn’t have a baby before her as she was the oldest child and deserved to have the ‘first grandchild’.
She believes the first grandchild is the ‘most loved’.
My husband and I planned our wedding and then all of a sudden SIL was engaged. We got married in May, and SIL planned a last-minute shotgun wedding in August. My husband and I had our honeymoon planned for September and planned to start a family after that (which was known).
SIL openly admits she rushed her wedding to get pregnant. She did get pregnant basically immediately, and has done nothing but rub it in our faces. My husband & I have been trying to conceive for a while now with no luck.
Since she announced her pregnancy, I’ve ignored the entire situation out of feeling frustrated and that the entire situation is out of spite, and have a hard time being excited because of her weird competition and intentions. AITJ for ignoring her pregnancy?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
Giving her any sort of attention (positive or negative) just validates the bizarre competition she created and is precisely what she wants from you. Don’t feed into it.” Ancient-Teacher6513
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, trying to paint her marriage as spiteful, and a ‘shotgun’ wedding because you’re bitter isn’t a good look. You openly admit you’re only ignoring her because she won the competition that you two have fabricated. No one cares about the first grandchild except for you two.
If she really wanted it that badly, she’d have gotten pregnant before marriage and her marriage would play no part in this. She got married because she wanted to, not to spite you.” Wide_Custard_140
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Of course – your SIL is out of control and possibly unhinged. But, it sounds like you’re getting drawn into her crazy. Yes… it sounds like she purposely rushed to get married and pregnant first… and that’s weird.
But, it’s not spiteful. She clearly wanted to get married and pregnant too. But, ultimately, who cares? You got married on your own timeline and are working on getting pregnant. I know it’s frustrating that you aren’t pregnant yet, but, other than being obnoxious, SIL is not keeping you from this goal. Ignoring SIL’s pregnancy kind of makes it seem like you are being spiteful… or at least jealous.
If that is the case, just own it. I’m sure it’s hard to see someone else pregnant if you’re having trouble.” Remarkable_Buyer4625
