People Have Fragile Egos In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Not Letting My Homophobic Aunt Stay With Me?
“My aunt (let’s call her Mary) came all the way from Spain and showed up to my job. Like, straight from the airport to my job. I am not even completely sure how she found my job, because frankly, I don’t remember telling her the name of where I worked. When she came in, she ended up telling the front desk that it was a family emergency and she used my other aunt’s name (this aunt lives in my state).
I was freaking out completely and when I saw that it was Mary, I started freaking out even more.
She wanted to go somewhere to eat and talk (more like yell), so I ended up taking her somewhere near my place (I had another job I needed to take care of).
She’s yelling at me for being gay and having a partner and being super disrespectful to my partner without ever meeting her. My partner ended up leaving work early and came to try to get me out of the situation with my aunt and ended up having a 45 min conversation with her.
They were talking calmly, but my aunt kept calling her a slur in our language in front of her face.
My aunt kept saying “I came all the way from Spain to talk to you and you aren’t going to let me in?” My partner goes “Well, if she was excited about you coming we would’ve worked something out, but because she is freaked out and you clearly don’t agree with my life, I’m not letting you in.” I agreed with my partner, and I did not want my aunt to come in after yelling at me and telling me who I am is wrong.
She ended up asking us to take her to a department store and she told my parents that I left her at the store.. anyways AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your aunt must be crazy to think that she can come unannounced, behave like a jerk, and then expect you to host her.
Honestly, what kind of world does she live in? You are NTJ. In fact, you did super well in giving her your time and talking to her even though she yelled at you and insulted you, your partner, and your beliefs. Good job, for setting boundaries and not letting her trample all over you!” Party-Possession-310
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you, sweetheart – and I mean this kindly – you need to grow a backbone. If you’re strong enough to embrace a different lifestyle and create a happy life for yourself, you’re strong enough to tell this aunt to go right off.
Especially when she insults your partner. To. Her. Face. Seriously, grow a backbone. You should’ve slapped that woman and you didn’t. You actually let your partner fight your battle. I’m tsk tsk-tsking at you right now. (I’m British).” GardenerNina
Another User Comments:
“If a person or family expects to stay in my home, better understand myself and my person whom I love deserves to be treated with respect and dignity.
By the way, if this family member felt so strongly, why would they want to stay with you? Just to annoy you? Let the department store have her. Maybe she can get a job as a greeter and insult people she doesn’t agree with their lifestyle as they walk into the store.” No_Grab8608
21. AITJ For Not Including A Younger Girl In Our Friend Group To Avoid Awkwardness?
“We met at summer camp some weeks ago and became friends, now here’s the thing, I’m a 17-year-old dude, she’s quite literally 12, the only reason we even chatted was because she liked to hang out with the older folks at the camp for some reason.
In the end, I got everyone’s number and made a group chat but I purposefully avoided getting hers even when she offered many times, I was told by some people that upset her a lot and I was the jerk for that. Hear me out, she’s a good person, it’s just the age gap makes it awkward.
AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and you’re a decent dude. There are people who would have taken advantage of her admiration of the older kids, but you intuitively saw the situation as it is: inherently weird and potentially dangerous for her. The people who tell you that you’re the jerk don’t understand that “hurting” her like this is the right and only decision here.
As far as I understand you didn’t even directly reject her attempts at making friends, you just kinda side-stepped them. If she remembers this in a few years, she will be grateful that you pushed her towards making friends of her own age.” tomatorito
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, in fact, you’re being pretty responsible. When I was 14, I befriended a 20 y/o guy who played tennis with me. I may have asked him a million times to hang out outside the tennis club and one million times he refused. One day, after I asked why we couldn’t go to the movies together, he sat me down and explained to me that, while I was witty, fun, and easy-going, it was not his place to have dates (even friend dates) with me because I was too young.
Of course, at 14 I felt utterly insulted. Now, at 29? I feel lucky because he had every chance to take advantage and he did the right thing. In fact, we remain friends nowadays. What this 12 y/o finds hurtful today, will see as good luck tomorrow.” Dri_Seven
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You maybe could have talked to her honestly about it being inappropriate. Like, if she does find a guy your age willing to be close friends, she should be wary of him, not excited. You were being responsible and there’s nothing wrong with that.
And, I’ve been the older teen who was friendly with the preteens. One of whom I am now pretty good friends with, but not until they were out of high school. I think they were 12 or 14 when we met and I was 19. We had similar interests, but outside of the community events where we saw each other, we didn’t chat on our own until they were an adult.
When we did chat, I was ALWAYS super aware of the fact that I was older and had to remember that I was a role model or influence, whether I wanted to be or not. I doubt they thought about it on their end, but if it isn’t awkward for the older person, then the older person is probably dangerous.
You can’t be equal with that age gap at that time of life.” Various-Grape-6525
20. AITJ For Not Paying For My Partner's Meat Dishes At A Restaurant?
“I got a very nice pay rise recently and I wanted to take my partner out for a fancy meal, the only caveat being that when I pay, I will not pay for anything that’s meat, meaning she’d have to eat something vegetarian.
She passively made a little fuss saying, well if I have to eat vegetarian you might as well just save your money. I pushed a little bit on this point, saying “so there would never be any point in taking you out for food then?” And she ended up saying that it’s not really “a treat” and it feels like I’m controlling what she eats.
She’s never made a huge deal about this before, and I really don’t think it’s “controlling”. She generally enjoys the vegetarian food she’s eaten with me before. I will not pay for meat, morally I do not agree with it, am I meant to make an exception?
She thinks it’s controlling, and I don’t want to control her, so I said there’s no way I can ever take her out then – she said that’s not what she’s saying, but I don’t really know what else can be done about it. Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“”I want to take you out for a treat, but you’re not allowed to eat anything that would actually make it a treat for you, only the stuff I approve of that you’d rather not have but will put up with when necessary”.
That’s not really a treat, or a fancy meal, from her POV. I get where you’re coming from with morally not wanting to pay for non-vegetarian food, but really the problem is that your partner isn’t vegetarian and actively enjoys eating meat more than vegetarian food.
Which means that long-term you either have to convince her to become vegetarian too, or learn how to accommodate sharing your life with a carnivore, in which case paying for meat at a restaurant is one of the easier things you can do. No jerks here for the purposes of voting – seems like you’ve just run into a situation where you have different opinions on something that matters to both of you.” ThoseSixFish
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It is controlling what she eats. You can’t offer her a gift wherein the gift is putting her in a situation where she is limited in what she can get. Better if you just bought a vegetarian dinner and surprise her on a day she’s supposed to cook.
And no, it’s not the same. Being in a restaurant and seeing what she’s missing out on vs. just having the meal as a treat is not the same.” painforpetitdej
Another User Comments:
“I mean, you literally are controlling what she’s allowed to eat when you take her out.
She isn’t wrong in laying it out like that. You can spend your money how you want though. I’m going to say YTJ not for the rule, but for denying that it’s controlling. You both just have to decide if this is something you can get past or not.
Is the relationship worth it to you to let her eat whatever she wants when you take her out? Is the relationship worth it to her to let you be overly controlling about what she eats when you take her out? Is the relationship worth it to both of you to sacrifice you ever taking her out again?
Personally, if I were her, it would depend on how confident I felt that you being controlling is confined to this one thing. For example, if you are controlling in other areas, and/or if you would extend the control of other people’s diet when your money is involved to other things, like insisting on raising your children vegetarian, or if you get married that the wedding would have to be vegetarian.” ttnl35
19. AITJ For Having My Grandparents Adopt Me To Reclaim My Dad's Last Name?
“My dad died when I was 8 years old. My brother was 7 and my sister was 6. Our mom remarried 14 months later and pushed through the adoption of us by him and the change in our last name from our dad’s to her husband’s last name.
We all begged her not to but she persisted. We never liked our mom’s husband. He insisted we call him dad, punished us for not doing so, etc.
When I moved out at 18 I went to my dad’s parents and my siblings and I started planning to ask them to adopt us once my sister turned 18 and we said we’d change our last names too.
That way we could reclaim part of our dad and we’d also legally, be tied to people we wanted to be legally recognized by, not by two people we all ended up hating.
We then announced publicly what we had done. Then we got a slew of comments from our mom and her husband about it.
She blew up my sister’s phone and everything as well. They called us jerks, said we should have warned them, and all kinds of stuff.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is what happens when relationships are forced onto people. They’re now reaping what they sowed. You’re doing right by your dad and if they don’t get off your backs about this block them, and everyone else who has unkind things to say.
You don’t need this kind of toxic. Good luck.” OldandWise67
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is completely your decision, and if your grandparents support it and are willing, then I don’t see how your mother and her husband, (if this guy needs to force you to say it under threat of punishment, he’s not your “dad,”) get a say in it.
Maybe they should’ve spent more time considering the impact of their decisions. They caused the rift, not you.” Zazzog
Another User Comments:
“It’s your life. Do as you please. Did they give YOU any sort of say when they forced you to be adopted by a man you didn’t know and then stripped you of your birthright to be RENAMED like a boat?
No, they did not. Yet NOW they demand you should have shown them a courtesy they never afforded you? Move on. Put them in the rearview unless they come around. Tell them all you did was UNDO the damage they had done!” FlexibleMorality1
18. AITJ For Using A Menu Hack To Save Money At Taco Bell?
“Taco Bell charges $1.99 for chips and nacho cheese, however, I discovered that a side of chips is $.85 and a side of nacho cheese is $.50, totaling $1.35. Sweet! So I started ordering them that way. After a few times of using my hack, the manager comes to the window and rather irritatedly informs me they will no longer be ringing it up for me that way.
I ask why not, and she said I’m exploiting the system and messing up her inventory.
I said it can’t be dinging the inventory because both items are being keyed in the computer system. I’m not exploiting, I discovered a hack and it’s on Taco Bell for overlooking it.
She reiterated that they weren’t going to do it anymore, and I said ok but that’s really lame. I think that’s nonsense, but AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What if you don’t want to eat them together? Like you want cheese for another food item and you just like chips plain?
Some managers are such misers that they can’t see that the .50 isn’t worth alienating a customer. Keep doing it and tell them they’re separate food items and will not be put together. Or you just want to dip your chips and not have cheese coagulating all over them.” none_of_this_is_ok
Another User Comments:
“Sooo not sure how similar this is to a Starbucks hack, but it might be why the manager said it’s messing up their inventory if you’re not the only one doing this. At the old green apron, sometimes people would order a Venti Iced Chai, no milk and no ice.
It’s like a $4 drink (or it was at the time) but essentially they’re getting an entire carton of chai mix in their cup that they then take home with them. The cafe system has no way to account for a loss that huge since it projects a certain number of ounces per drink.
And eventually our DM started riding our butts over it because she thought employees were stealing chai cartons or being stupidly wasteful. It took a lot of explaining from several different baristas before she believed us. Now I don’t know a dang thing about how the Taco Bell system calculates their inventory, but that MIGHT be why the manager is getting uppity about it?
Either way, you’re NTJ, but it also might be for the best to just accept the store manager’s decision and not press the issue unless the few cents difference is a genuine financial issue for you.” Z-Dog-0417
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but just so everyone knows, sometimes these menu hacks will get people in trouble.
I used to work at Taco Bell and I would get chewed out if I didn’t ring things up correctly – there were certain ways you had to input ingredient substitutions, additions, etc….doing it differently would result in slight price differences and my boss’s boss would get on her case about it too.
It’s all incredibly stupid corporate nonsense. No self-respecting fast food employee actually cares about the company ”losing“ 30 cents. If they refuse to accommodate small things like this, it might be because they’ll get an earful from a higher-up. Please don’t give low-wage workers grief over minor inconveniences, they’re probably just trying to make it through a shift without getting yelled at.” somanymice
17. AITJ For Outing My Bullied Brother To Our Family Without His Consent?
“My (F18) little brother (M14) admitted to me that he was getting severely bullied for being LGBTQ (which only I knew and was his darkest secret) and that he is being blackmailed to get outed to his whole grade. He goes to a (quite homophobic) all-boys high school.
He has been acting off and is visibly depressed. My whole family has been wanting to know what happened.
My sister (F16) begged me to tell her what happened. She pressured me to tell her why he was getting bullied and after a long time I just couldn’t do it, I had to say it all.
What if the bullying leads to something more serious? Developing severely bad mental health? My sister and I then decided to tell our mother what had been happening, and she went to the school to tell the principal what was happening.
My brother does not know that anyone else knows except me.
I can however imagine the trust possibly being broken, admitting his darkest secret that he is LGBTQ. My father is traditional and although he doesn’t know, I can imagine he wouldn’t react well to my brother’s sexuality. I feel so conflicted.”
Another User Comments:
“This is tough.
If you think your brother is in real danger, a fear that is not unfounded, it is right to ask for help. I think YTJ for telling why he was bullied if you could possibly have avoided it. I’m afraid it would have come out though and that he needs help.
You aren’t the jerk for telling your mother that he was being bullied. In the future, if you have to break someone’s confidence it is nice if you can tell them that you have to. “I am so sorry but I made that promise not knowing the danger I believe you are now in” etc. then invite them to go with you and you can be support while they get help.
It is still an excruciating situation and if you feel safer getting help before talking to him, you are not bad for that.” PawsyMcMurderMittens
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, it’s a no-win situation here. If you hadn’t told anyone, and something happened, you’d have to live with that for the rest of your life.
Also, this is way above your pay grade. You’re legally an adult, but depending on what country you’re in, you could still be raising your hand to go to the bathroom. You prioritized your brother’s safety, and while it will definitely cause some hurt and damaged trust, hopefully, time and effort on your part will help repair the relationship.
Now it’s time to be there for your brother as much as he’ll let you be, and do what you can to support and protect him from the reactions of any of the adults in his life, like your dad.” Plastic-Willow-2358
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is a tricky situation though. You’re right to be worried about his mental health etc. But maybe you could have talked to him first or maybe told your mom and sister that he was just being bullied and not why he was being bullied. Being outed when someone isn’t ready to be, can be a devastating thing.
So you’re going to have to do damage control now. If your mom and sister are supportive of him, then you guys might need to have a talk with him and reassure him that he is loved and supported regardless of his sexual orientation. Because that’s one of the things he fears most, losing his family and friends because of who he is.
It’s having that support that will give him the strength to be ok being who he is and to face adversity. As for your father, if he truly loves his son unconditionally, he will accept him as he is. If not, make sure that you get him to understand that he can lose his son because he is essentially saying that his love is conditional. The best you can do with him is lay all the facts at his feet and hope he understands the consequences of choosing archaic nonsensical beliefs over loving his son.
I hope things work out for you guys.” Lady-Evonne77
16. AITJ For Wanting My Original Brow Artist To Fix The Apprentice's Mistake?
“I get my eyebrows micro-bladed, so I’m essentially getting a semi-permanent tattoo on my face. I’ve gone to the same woman for the last five years, going once a year for a touch-up. The last time that I went in she asked if I would be open to having her apprentice do my brows.
She assured me she would be supervising and making sure it was all up to her standard. I had faith after so many years of going to her, so I agreed to it. It came at a reduced cost ($200 vs the regular $300, so still not nothing).
After my brows had healed it was a very obvious area missing strokes. I reached out, sent her photos, and she confirmed that she would have the same apprentice fix it. I was very polite and calm about it. I’m not trying to be rude, and I know everyone needs to learn, but I’ve already served as the Guinea pig once.
WIBTJ if I insisted that my original girl fix it instead of the apprentice? This is my face I’m talking about lol.”
Another User Comments:
“Guy here…. I know nothing about eyebrows other than “oh hey, you have nice eyebrows above your eyes where they are supposed to be”….
so take this with a pinch of salt. If microblading is a permanent thing, then NO, you would not be the jerk to request that. Your normal person was not monitoring the apprentice well enough if this was missed the first time around. People make mistakes, I get that, but I would have the experienced person handle it and have the newbie watch how it should be done.
If I had a tattoo and something was missed or messed up, I would not want that same person fixing the issue. I want the one with the most experience to make it right.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had the same issue happen with my lash lady a couple of months ago – her trainee made my lashes look absolutely gorgeous but 80% of them fell out the next day.
Sent her pics, she apologized and slotted me in that afternoon and SHE fixed them, with the trainee watching. In all fairness I was the first classics set she’d done, she’d done about a dozen volume sets perfectly on other people. It’s standard for the professional to fix the trainee’s mistakes.” goshyarnit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you are the customer plain and simple and it is your money you are putting in their pockets. I would feel uneasy too because I would be like why is my person giving this delicate procedure to someone else? Maybe she doesn’t see you with the same respect you see her.
I would go about this all calmly and politely and say the apprentice did a great job but you would feel more comfortable with your person because you have grown to trust her over the years and look forward to her work each time you come.” rockymitten
15. AITJ For Forcing My 11-Year-Old Son To Use Facial Cleanser?
“My son turned 11 and he’s starting to get breakouts. Other than that, he’s not really showing any signs of puberty. My other two sons started puberty the same way – breakouts.
It’s rather simple. I had them wash their face with a kid-friendly Clean and Clear.
It solved 80% of the problem. Before that, they’d just wash their faces with a hand towel in the shower.
When I bought my son his own facial cleanser, he refused to use it. I used it myself to show him it’s not a big deal. He still wouldn’t so I’d make him use it after his shower.
Then I started washing his face when he was in the shower. It became too much drama so I simply said no video games unless he washes his darn face.
He’s such a cute kid and generally has good hygiene. I get he’s coming to that age where he wants to have power struggles with his dad but this isn’t an appropriate one.
It’s such a stupid thing. To me, washing your face is the same as using deodorant or clean clothes when you’re 11. It’s just expected.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. He’s 11 years old, the fact that you think it’s appropriate to be directly involving yourself with him while he’s in the shower, much less literally WASHING HIM is creepy and invasive AF.
He is showering, so this isn’t a hygiene issue. The fact that he’s starting to break out a bit is bothering you more than it’s bothering him. That’s a you issue, though, and frankly, you’re going to do a lot more damage being this weirdly controlling and fussy about it than just giving him the tools and information to deal with it and giving him some space.
Again, he’s not being unhygienic, he’s just apparently not as vain or self-conscious as you’d like him to be? Literally PUNISHING him over this is the worst possible thing you could do. You’re going to cause resentment, and over something that’s not remotely worth it.
Frankly, it sounds like you need therapy if you’re this wrought up over a few pimples on your kid’s face. YTJ.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“Sorry, am I reading this correctly? Did you get in the shower with your 11-year-old and forcibly wash their face?
As someone whose dad had no boundaries when they were a teenager, you need to take a big step back because that’s crossing major lines. Why doesn’t your son want to use the stuff? Is this laziness? Does he just not care? I mean, breakouts happen.
It’s not that big of a deal overall. If he’s bathing and showering and brushing his teeth and wearing deodorant, then his hygiene is probably fine, right? So is this about his hygiene or about the fact that you don’t want your son to have acne because it looks bad?
Yeah, teenagers do have power struggles with their parents, but you engaging to this level is not going to make it better. Back down, apologize, and let your kid wash his own face. Also, there are other treatments apart from face washes. Maybe he’d prefer a cream, if the acne bothers him.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re right, this is a stupid power struggle but you are the one having it. As long as he is clean and doesn’t smell of BO, choose your battles on this one. I had the same “power struggle” around his age, except it was hair care.
My hair was never dirty, I always washed it, I just didn’t care if it looked neat. I did just enough that I didn’t have a matted mess but it was generally unkempt. Instead of fighting me on it, my mom let me do my own thing…as long as it was clean and unmatted. Eventually, I realized that I was setting myself up for looks from my peers and started taking more pride in my appearance.
No fuss, no drama.” WaywardMarauder
14. AITJ For Being Angry At The Plumber For Letting My Dog Escape?
“I live in an apartment owned by my mother (I pay rent) with my dog who is 1.5 years old and very tiny.
At the moment the bathrooms are being renovated and I’ve left strict instructions to keep all the doors closed so my dog can’t escape (note on the front door and multiple text messages).
On my way home from work today I got a call from someone saying they found my dog wandering alone at the park a few blocks from my place.
I was really upset but thankful he was safe. I called the plumber/renovation manager and asked him how this had happened and told him I was really angry and upset as my dog could’ve been hit by a car or kidnapped or lost and he told me to “watch my tone” with him.
He did not apologize.
After I called my mother saying I was really upset with what had happened and also upset he had tone policed me, she took his side and said it’s fine because the dog is safe and I shouldn’t be so emotional. Later she called again and her first words were “have you settled down yet??”
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“WTAF??!!! I’m so upset for you. That’s truly terrible, mostly by your mom. The Reno guy is just some random jerk, but Mom is discounting you hard. Pup could’ve died; been attacked by another dog, run over, etc. Sorry to say all of that, but it’s true.
Just because he made it home safely thanks to a stranger doesn’t absolve the Reno guy’s negligence. Can you possibly stay home during Reno, because clearly neither Reno guy nor mom can be trusted.” AgitatedJacket9627
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d tell your mom that you’re gonna leave a bad review about the plumber on the apt if she doesn’t handle it.
Either that or if it’s an outside plumber then leave a bad review there. Also, I’d remind your mother that you pay rent and have every right to not be scolded by some middle-aged jerk. Next time he’s in your place make it super awkward for him and honestly, I’d just pull up a chair and watch him work.
When asked just explain you don’t trust him to not let your dog loose so you’re keeping an eye out. As someone who’s worked a trade, I can tell you a lot of people don’t like being watched over their shoulder like that.” joshthatoneguy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Years ago, the employee of a contractor we had working there kept leaving our front door open to go smoke on the front steps. I told him to please close the door behind him because we had a cat who would get out. Three times I caught him doing it and finally I told him that he wasn’t allowed to use that door anymore and should use the garage door which would automatically close behind him.
English was a second language for him so I made sure to have his boss communicate it clearly in Spanish as well. When I got home from work and went to feed my cat, he didn’t come. I looked all over the house, all over the property, up and down the street for two hours with no luck.
When I got home, I was dirty, sweaty, and angry. I grabbed the contractor and told him that his employee let the cat out. The contractor translated it and the guy started laughing. I replied, “Can you translate something for me please? Let him know that I’m glad he finds this funny, because he’s fired.” The contractor was very taken aback and replied, “Well he works for me so…” I replied, “And if you bring him back to this property, you will be fired.”
Both of my parents, who were away at the time, backed me 100%. I found the cat crying under the deck the next day. The contractor disappeared for a week and then called my mom to test the waters saying he would be coming back with his guy the next day.
My mom replied, “As long as it’s not the guy my son fired from this job. He is not to be brought back to our property.” Your mom and the plumber are both jerks here. She should have backed you completely. Just because nothing bad happened doesn’t mean something bad couldn’t have happened.” KunSeii
13. AITJ For Refusing To Buy A New Christmas Tree Every Year?
“My partner wants a new, fake tree this year and I do not. We live together, and this will be our second Christmas together decorating our place. We decorated our white tree beautifully last year. We spent a lot of time and effort making it right.
My partner wants another one with a refreshed theme and ornaments and a star. I just thought we would repeat the tree, and told her I’m not interested in putting in the work again for a new one. Especially when we have ours pulled out and ready to be put up.
And with all the shopping already for the holidays, scrambling to get tree decorations is just not something I want to add to our plate. We don’t share any financial account or anything but I told her my budget plan was for the gifts I wasn’t ready for another tree.
After I said no, she immediately said her Christmas spirit is crushed and there’s no point in it. We had a small back-and-forth so that I could understand how that crushed her spirit. She said she wants three different trees to alternate across the years, and that last year’s is already boring to her.
AITJ for being stubborn about no new tree? Maybe she feels upset because her idea got shot down.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Purchasing and storing three separate freaking Christmas trees is wasteful, it’s excessive, it’s frankly gross. Because she’s bored? No, it’s because she wants to be trendy.
Maybe she just enjoys overconsumption and shopping for things. But neither of you has that kind of budget, and it should in no way be normal to continually buy decorations to that level. It’s bad for the environment, it’s bad for the wallet, it’s bad for your mental health.” WhoFearsDeath
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…What a whiny spoiled drama queen! First off you’re not even married and she is acting this way? RED FLAG. Second, every long-term and married couple I know gets one set up when they move in together and just add to it for 20+ years.
They may change things if they get a new house but, decorations are generally not about renewal (unless it is a live tree and ONLY the tree), they are about addition because they are such an expensive and time-consuming hassle. Third, if she says she is going to pay for everything, do all the shopping, and do all the work, she is LYING!
You will get roped into all 3 activities against your will and it ruin your whole holiday season because there will be constant fights over it. Fourth, your partner can watch the Claymation Rudolph movie if she is having trouble getting back into the Christmas spirit.
Fifth, stand your ground. Your partner is in LaLa Land about this.” transistor12
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ and honestly, she sounds like a brat who’s been spoiled all her life. Saying that not getting a whole new tree with whole new ornaments spoils her spirit?
Overdramatic, and trying to guilt you into spending money for something she wants and you don’t. I hate it when people do stuff like this; asking you to buy them something and then acting like you’ve ruined their life when you say no. If she wants the thing, she can buy it and put it together… (Also: she wants THREE trees so they rotate year to year?
You must have a ton of storage space, and she must have a ton of entitlement… like, if you give in and get her a tree this year, she’ll want another brand new one next year as the third year…) Suggested compromise: what if the tree and ornaments ARE her gift this year, in lieu of other gifts?
Or, what if one of her gifts is you go out and get one on boxing day when these things are marked down? (This time of year, they’ll be at the absolute most expensive.)” Secret_Sister_Sarah
12. AITJ For Prioritizing My Kids' Nap Schedule Over Family Events?
“I have an almost 3-year-old and a 17-month-old. For the first few months after my oldest was born sleep was a big struggle for us (I guess as is the case for most people with newborns) and so I quickly became well-versed on all things to do with baby sleep, including the importance of routine.
Since then I have been very strict with my kids’ sleep schedules and it’s common knowledge amongst my family and friends that I’ll often arrive at events a little late, or leave early, or sometimes not be able to attend in order to accommodate nap and bedtimes.
Unfortunately, from the get-go, my husband’s family has made me feel crazy for being so strict about things. They are very much of the opinion that children should fit into your life and not the other way around, which is fine but that’s not really my style.
I figure I’d rather accommodate my kids’ needs since they’re only little for such a short period of my life and later on I’ll be able to be more flexible.
Every year since my oldest was born, my brother-in-law and his wife have organized their kids’ birthday parties to be on a weekend around lunchtime.
The first year we were able to attend my nephew’s party because my oldest was still taking 2 naps a day and the party fell in his midday wake window. Last year we weren’t able to make it because it coincided with nap time and they were very upset.
My brother-in-law really told my husband off and even got their mother involved to try to make us change our minds. Eventually, everything blew over.
Recently my husband was talking to his brother about our nephew’s upcoming 6th birthday and asked if they were planning something, to which my brother-in-law said yes but they were running behind in getting it organised. My husband reminded him that we wouldn’t be able to make it if the party was organized around midday.
A few days later we got the invitation for this weekend and sure enough, the time was 11:30 am. I found this really weird because my husband had already told his brother we wouldn’t make it if it was at this time, and I figured because of this they might have booked it for earlier in the morning or later in the afternoon since they really seemed upset we couldn’t make it last year.
I spoke to my husband about it and we agreed we wouldn’t be able to go again this time. Everything was fine until he let his brother know this a few days ago, and all chaos broke loose. His brother gave him an earful and told him that he (my husband) is the man of the house so he should make me give in and take the kids even though it clashes with their nap.
My husband suddenly turned on me and told me my strictness is ruining his relationship with his family and I need to be more flexible. I told him I don’t expect anyone to plan their time around me, they can do whatever they like, but if they arrange something for a time they know we won’t be able to make it, surely they can’t get upset?
I feel like I’ve rambled on for long enough so basically, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Light YTJ. I get wanting to be consistent, but expect to not be invited to family events because people are not going to adjust their lives around your kids’ nap times.
Consistently turning down invites will result in not getting invites anymore. You make your own decisions about what you will and won’t attend, but don’t go getting upset at everyone for not accommodating your kids’ nap schedule.” Ok_Conversation9750
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I am all for schedules but your children are not learning how to be slightly flexible, more specifically, your oldest. Your 3-year-old should be able to slowly manage functioning while tired but you are not giving him the opportunities to learn how to deal with discomfort or even how to communicate.
For example, they need to learn how to say I’m tired or I want to go home. Why not send the 3-year-old with your husband and you stay home with the younger child?” Asleep_Objective5941
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here an invitation is not a summons, you do not have to attend a party that doesn’t work for your schedule.
Your BIL shouldn’t be throwing a tantrum that you can’t attend when you told him this already. HOWEVER…. repeatedly missing family events because of naptime really does seem like a bit much, and you need to be willing to at least listen to your husband’s feedback.
Especially for midday weekend events – that is a totally normal time for family events to be scheduled. Never being able to attend a midday event due to naptime really does seem a little ridiculous to me. God, imagine if all family events had to be scheduled around everyone’s regular naptime…there would be no family events.
Showing up for family events means being flexible sometimes even when it isn’t ideal. If you aren’t ever willing to be flexible to show up for them, then don’t expect them to ever be flexible and show up for you when the roles are reversed. That’s just how these things go.” andromache97
11. AITJ For Asking My Ex To Move Out Earlier Than Planned?
“I (21F) live alone in my apartment, and my ex (22M) has been staying with me since August because he was in a tough spot.
At the time, I agreed to let him stay temporarily, and even before we broke up, I told him he would need to move out sometime in December. For context, he hasn’t contributed to rent, utilities, or any other expenses while living with me.
And I didn’t even ask because I wanted him to get back on his feet.
About 3 weeks ago, we broke up. Since the breakup, things have gotten really tense. We argue all the time, and it’s so bad that I’m pretty sure my neighbors can hear us fighting.
On top of that, I’m in the last month of my semester, I work two part-time jobs, I have exams coming up, and worrying about my bills so I’m extremely stressed. All of this has made it impossible for me to focus on my studies or feel at peace in my own home.
Today, we got into another argument because he was being really loud while I was trying to study for an important exam. I asked him to quiet down, and he told me to leave and study somewhere else out of the apartment. It was almost midnight by this point.
That was the last straw for me. I realized I just couldn’t do this anymore.
I told him he needed to leave by the end of the week instead of sometime in December, as we originally planned. He got upset and now I feel awful because I’m going back on what we agreed.
So, AITJ for asking him to leave sooner than planned?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And I really hope he leaves peacefully and on the date you told him. But worst case scenario he doesn’t. Has he gotten any mail at your apartment? Used your address?
Because that could be used to prove tenancy, and depending on where you live you might have to formally evict him. That could mean 7 days’ notice, or 30 days. It depends on where you live and if he is legally classified as a subtenant or boarder or guest. If he hasn’t gotten mail and you think he isn’t well versed in tenancy laws then tell him to leave with a date and make sure you have proof you told him and he received it.
A text confirming he understands he has to leave by date will usually work.
If he doesn’t move out by the date one option is to remove all his stuff from the apartment and change the locks. Talk to your landlord, they are sometimes ok with you just changing them if you give them a key.
And when you move out you can reinstall the original ones and take yours to your next place in case you need to change the locks then too. But with some landlords, you have to pay for them to replace or rekey them. This might be technically an illegal eviction (depends on where you live), but if he doesn’t realize that or can’t prove to the police he lives there then it isn’t an issue.
If he can prove he lived there that text showing he agreed to be gone by date can help you refute his claims and the police will most likely tell him it’s now a civil matter and that he should leave, since he agreed he was moving out on that date.
If the police try to make you let him back in, say you would like to file a restraining order against him. Financial abuse, emotional abuse, and mental abuse are valid grounds for a short domestic violence restraining order.
Option 2, call his parents. This only works if he has any relationship with them though.
But if he will listen to one of his parents calling them and letting them know he has to leave immediately or you will be going to the police station and getting a domestic violence restraining order, as well as formally filing in court to evict him if they don’t get him out now.
If they care about him at all, or his future ability to rent an apartment or get hired by a place that does background checks they will get him out asap. If you get a DV no-contact order and show it to your landlord they will often be a lot easier and faster with changing your locks.
But I really really hope he just leaves and you don’t have to do any of that.” OutOfMyMind4ever
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mental health and well-being should always be a priority. While it is considerate to think about the position you’re putting your partner in, your home should be your sanctuary.
It’s important to have a space where you can recharge and feel at ease. As long as you’ve given him reasonable notice and acted within the legal framework of your area, you’ve done everything right. Relationships can sometimes come down to tough decisions, and it sounds like you’re making one with both of your best interests at heart.” AvaHelioHaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This person is sabotaging your education and future. He may also be trying to make things so awkward for your living arrangements that you also lose your accommodation (neighbors hearing the arguments, trying to get you to leave at midnight, etc).
Please look after yourself and try and get as much help as you can from friends, family and anyone else you think can help.” Away-Ad4393
10. AITJ For Calling My Husband Lazy For Not Walking Our Dog Until Late Afternoon?
“My husband (32 M) and I (30 F) have been together for 6 years, and we’ve had our dog for 4 of those years. I initially got her as my dog, but my husband and I started sharing more responsibilities as the years went by (I still pay for all her needs 100%).
We both work busy jobs and he works from home while I go to the office twice a week. When we’re both home, I usually do the morning walks since I start work earlier, and we take turns for the rest of the walks.
It’s the days I’m in the office that are the problem.
We have a Ring doorbell camera so I know when he takes her on walks, but lately, I noticed he doesn’t walk her until 3 pm. 3 in the afternoon. That’s when I text him to walk the poor dog so she can use the bathroom, and his responses are usually a.) it’s been a busy day, or b.) the dog is fine/she wasn’t whining or crying to go out.
It’s been like this for months now. We also have an indoor camera to keep an eye on our pup, and most of the time I see that my husband has the PS5 set up and he’s playing games while working. But he can’t find 5 minutes to take our girl out so she can relieve herself.
We had an argument and I said some choice words, the gist of it I called him lazy and selfish and accused him of not caring for our dog at all since she literally depends on him for her needs when I’m not home. My husband said I took it too far and again that our dog is fine because she’s not sick or anything.
Was I overreacting??? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he can’t be bothered to walk the dog, then get a dog walker for his days and that can come out of his “fun” budget, since he would rather play games than take care of his responsibilities.
How would he feel if he didn’t get to go pee for several hours because the person with the key to the bathroom was playing games? Note that if you’re considering having kids, know that his laziness likely will not change, and a kid is a lot more work and responsibility than a dog.” SoMuchMoreEagle
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So, you’re monitoring the ring camera to see what time your husband takes the dog for walks, and you’re monitoring the indoor camera to see what your husband is doing during his work day. You don’t see a problem with this?
The question remains whether your husband is also a jerk. I have to assume the dog is at least going out to potty in the morning and not being kept inside completely until 3 pm? Otherwise, I can’t understand how your complaint doesn’t also involve accidents in the house and frequent UTIs.
If the dog is going out to potty in the morning, it doesn’t matter that she’s not getting an actual walk until 3 pm. She’s fine. If she’s not going out at all in the morning, you and your husband are both awful for not making sure she gets a potty opportunity right when she wakes up, and your husband is cruel for not taking her out until the afternoon.” analfistinggremlin
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. You say that it’s your dog, and that was the initial agreement. Over time, you have slowly shifted more responsibility over to him. Paying for the dog does not mean that much to me unless this dog has a complex medical history.
Dog food is not that expensive. Did you ask him whether he wanted to take that responsibility before you assumed that it was his role? Working from home is still working. It sounds like you guys did not do a great job communicating about this, and you did not communicate your needs and expectations.
So I’ve got to say, this is kind of on you. If he needs to work from home, you can hire a dog walker. I also work from home. My dog is lazy as anything and will often sleep until 2 PM. As soon as he needs to go, he will sit by the door and whine, and I immediately take him out.
He’s very good at signaling. If the dog is just sleeping? Not signaling at all? It might be fine. I’m always shocked by the resilience of my dog’s bladder, but I’m not gonna wake him up from a happy sleep just to make him pee.
He will pee as soon as he wants to get up. if you want, you can set up an interior baby monitor camera and make sure that the dog is not doing anything to signal that they need to pee. But if they aren’t crying, and they are not having accidents inside, it’s possible that everything is OK.
My dog sleeps like 22 hours a day, and only wakes up to pee three times a day, eat, and then go back to sleep.” FindAriadne
9. AITJ For Suggesting My Partner's Family Pay For Their Own Streaming Services?
“My partner (26M) and I (25F) live together and used to pay for various streaming services (HBO Max, Disney Plus, Netflix, Amazon Prime, and an anime one he uses) and he lets his parents and sisters use it. A couple of months ago we decided to stop paying for Disney Plus because we weren’t watching anything on it.
His mom always talks about shows she wants to watch on Disney and that we should start paying it again.
This weekend we decided to cancel our Netflix too because again, we weren’t using it and we decided if there is ever something we want to watch on there, then we will get it again.
So his aunt calls and starts lecturing him about his finances and that he shouldn’t spend so much money that he doesn’t have enough left to pay for the Netflix, that she is using it and needs him to pay. I am there so I say “tell her she can pay it, that you can change the card information and that she can pay if she wants to use it.”
Now the aunt talked to his mom and they are saying I’m a jerk because I am ‘forcing’ my partner to spend all his money on me so he can’t pay for the things they need. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Today he’s telling you that it’s because his sister is too young.
Next week it will be because his mother is too old. I’m going to give you an iron-clad guarantee: these moochers will always mooch, and he will always have a ready excuse to mollify you. Does he tell them how to run their finances? That they should be responsible if they have WANTS, not needs?
He shouldn’t care what *anyone* thinks about his spending, except you. The fact that he does is a major red flag. NTJ, but this is the preview of your life. Fix it or exit.” CandylandCanada
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner’s family sounds delusional and entitled. They’re the ones who shouldn’t have blown through all their money in their youth so that they would have enough money to pay for their own entertainment when they got older instead of forcing a young man who is just starting out to shoulder an additional burden that isn’t his to bear.
You’re not “forcing” your partner to do anything. If he wants to dedicate his life to supporting his mom and aunt, he’s free to GTFO. I’m guessing that he doesn’t want to do that, though.” SomeoneYouDontKnow70
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When I got married and changed my name, I also had to change my payment cards.
My little brother, who I didn’t even know used my Netflix account, texted me a pic of the invalid payment notice with a text that said something like “gravy train ended.” My brother and I get along really well so I told him I’d get him the new account info in a second, and he laughed it off and said he’d already signed up for his own account in the time it took me to text back.
He thanked me for giving him a free ride for a few years. That’s how family should behave in this situation.” Current_Two_7395
8. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Reveal His True Self To Our Friends?
“My partner (37) and I (32) have been together for 2 and a half years and have had a turbulent couple of months, but I would say that there have been serious issues going back over a year. Namely, most of our trouble during the past year has been due to his impulsive angry blowups (after he hurled and broke a cup in front of me during an argument a year and a half ago, my ultimatum was to seek therapy or I’m done; so he has been in therapy on and off for the past year), his jealous and controlling behavior (where we got to the point where he would ask me if my masseur was a man or a woman), and differences in how we want to spend our time together (him – indoors, couch potatoing; me – okay with indoors but also needing social nights and travel).
Typically he is a very sweet and kind guy who spoils me more than anybody ever did with all matters practical, cuddling, helping me through some tough times– until he gets insecure about something and his defense mechanisms spike up. It’s like Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde.
Only recently did he actually start understanding this about himself on a deeper level, and that’s because finally after yet another heated fight, one month ago I had had it, left his apartment, going back to live with my sister, until he sorts himself out and I get clarity if I want to stay in this relationship.
We also had an incident when he went behind my back to talk to his ex-friend with benefits behind my back, for which he apologized profusely.
Now, we have a mutual group of friends and I have not talked to anybody about this side of him, as everybody knows him as a super nice, helpful, and funny guy and I didn’t want to air our dirty laundry, so to speak, or embarrass him.
He has, however, talked to one of the guys that he is very close with (as he was quite depressed when I left, and it’s okay that he needed someone to support him) but I learned that basically he never told this friend the real reasons why I left the apartment (he said very vaguely that it’s because of his anger issues) and just proceeded to talk about some faults of mine, like, for example, how I didn’t vacuum clean enough.
This whole time that we’ve been apart he has started working more on himself, reading books, taking therapy more seriously than ever, so I see him putting in some effort. However, it rubs me the wrong way that he keeps saying how he has taken accountability for his bad behavior, yet the one person in our mutual group of friends knows just the very prettied-up version of what happened and not what I have actually been putting up with, which I don’t find fair.
AITJ if tell my partner that I will not consider staying in this relationship if he does not share the whole truth with this friend about why I have actually left and show me he has actually taken accountability?”
Another User Comments:
“He’s doing his best to control the narrative so that people don’t know who the real him is.
He’s still trying to control you – if he told the full truth they they’d be less likely to urge you to give it another shot. If someone does manage to change, it takes years not a couple of months and a few books.
Reading books gives some direction but mainly it just gives them buzzwords to throw about. If people do reunite the original behavior usually reasserts itself after a short period of time – it generally takes a whole new relationship for the person to succeed. I think you can tell from this that I think it’s a very bad idea for you to get together again.
But if you do, then as far as him being totally candid, yes, I think he should. In the same way that a heavy drinker has to show culpability and admit they’re a heavy drinker so should an abuser. NTJ.” East_Parking8340
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What you describe is the essence of an abusive relationship. You need therapy to see why you are involved with a violent abusive person. Find a support group of abused wives and partners and hear their stories. You will see the dynamic of sweetness and contrition followed by abuse and control.
Move in with your sister and start mapping out a new life. Or go to a shelter where he can’t find you. This is a very dangerous time for you. When he realizes that you have slipped from his grasp he will try to get you back.
Turn away the gifts and apologies. You are still young but you need to figure out why you took him back after the first violent act.” feminist1946
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but why on earth would you want to stay in this relationship? He threw you under the bus with his coworker by not telling him the real story.
He has contacted an ex-FBW behind your back. He can’t control his anger, apparently isn’t really working in therapy, and continues to put pressure on you to do what HE wants. You’re young. You deserve better. (I married too young, someone who was like your partner as far as a volatile temper.
We divorced when I was 33, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I met someone wonderful who treated me well all the time, was able to talk out our differences without throwing things and screaming, and supported my goals, as I did his.)” Bandie909
7. AITJ For Cancelling Last Minute On A Guy Who Disrespected My Boundaries?
“I’m in my mid-twenties, and I met this guy (21) at a bar in October; we chatted online afterwards for a few weeks as I was too busy with school and work to go out with him, but recently I agreed to what would essentially be a casual fling.
So the night arrived, and I decided he could come to my place. He lives with his parents at the moment.
Still, as he was about to get here, he said he was bringing drinks and implying he wanted to stay the night, which I had told him I wasn’t comfortable with as my roommate is my sister.
I didn’t want to have him stay here as she wasn’t comfortable with that, which is understandable but he said he was going to bring drinks and stay anyway.
So I told him I no longer wanted him here, and he showed up anyway and said rude things when I said I was uncomfortable with the situation and how he was behaving.
I feel bad for cancelling at the last minute and making him drive 20+ minutes to get here, but the drinks and wanting to stay the night made me very uncomfortable, and how he spoke to me on the phone almost had me in tears.
I know I should’ve said something sooner, most likely, but I was very unsure what to do and what to say because English is not excellent for me, and I’m bad at telling people no and making my boundaries known.
Am I the jerk for cancelling last minute on him?”
Another User Comments:
“No you are not the jerk. You accurately assessed what his goal was and what his methods were and you rejected them and did not let him into your home. I applaud you, you did exactly the right thing!
He wasn’t listening to you about not coming over, he wasn’t listening to you about booze and he would not have listened to you when you told him please stop which you would’ve ended up telling him very soon. You did the right thing. NTJ.” Remote-Physics6980
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No is no, period. You hadn’t known this guy for long, he tried to change plans last minute and force his wants on you in your home, and he got mad and cursed at you when you enforced your boundaries instead of giving in like he expected. Consent can be withdrawn anytime, even if it was previously given, and that’s okay, and the other person must accept that.
You kept yourself and your sister safe because one can only guess what he wanted to achieve there. This guy’s a walking red flag and you did the right thing. Good riddance.” Inuki_sama
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So…you set a very easy-to-follow boundary: “no, person I barely know, you may not stay the night at my place” and his response is “I’m going to do it anyway.
Then when you said “hey please do not come over at all now,” his response was do it anyway. You were right to cancel. And hopefully you stop any future contact with him as this is clearly not someone who is going to respect even your basic boundaries.
Stop feeling bad. You did 100% the right thing.” wanderingstorm
6. AITJ For Refusing To Loan More Money To My Financially Irresponsible Mother-In-Law?
“My wife and I have been together for years. Her family hasn’t made good decisions when it comes to money. I don’t mean to judge people and I say live your life your way.
Several months ago her mom came to us asking to borrow $1000.
My wife and I talked it over. I told her I don’t like to loan money to family as it usually leads to bad feelings. It’s her mom and I know it was hurting her that her mom had to ask us for money. So we decided the money was a gift and we didn’t want the money back.
2 months later she needs another $600. I am pretty annoyed at that point. This is the slippery slope. After much back and forth we said ok, but this WAS a loan and she would start paying $200 a month starting in October. My wife and I agreed this was the last time we would pay.
Fast forward to last Tuesday. I get home and my wife says her mom is in a panic and that they will be evicted from their lot if they don’t come up with $1600 by today. That’s in addition to the $1600 we had already given. I said I was sorry and that I would help come up with some ideas but I told my wife I was no longer willing to loan or give out money as it obviously isn’t fixing her mom’s financial issues.
Am I being unfair by putting my foot down and saying enough is enough and we cannot be responsible? We are saving for our down payment on a home. I know it’s her mom but I feel if we don’t set these boundaries it will end up damaging my relationship with my wife.
I’m no saint or a victim so please don’t read it that way. We all make mistakes and get into tough spots. That said my first responsibility is to our family unit. Me, my wife, and two kids. Looking for some feedback.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you’re a jerk. But you’re likely right in that I don’t see how this won’t impact your relationship with your wife. Here’s another thought, what about your MIL moving in with you guys after they’re evicted? Yikes. For what it’s worth NTJ.
You do have a fair point. Ask your wife where does it end? Since you opened the spigot, seems like a pattern has developed with no end in sight. So say you give them 1600 now. At this point, it’s also fair to ask “Why do you keep needing money?
Why don’t you have your rent this time?” What’s the plan for next month? They’d be into you for 2200 bucks (as that first 1k was a gift). Soooooo… how do they plan on paying you back when they can’t even pay their regular bills? Your wife may be upset, but she’s got to look at reality.
Again though… what happens when MIL gets evicted? Where does she go then?” SoImaRedditUserNow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…and you guys are not a bank. Every time you give or loan them money, you are enabling them to continue to do such behavior. It hurts to see people struggle, expressly the ones you love, but if you don’t put your foot down now they will only drag you and your wife down with them.
Family is the worst to do business with, and they are definitely the worst to lend money to. That is why I do not discuss anything about my salary or the amount of money I make with any of my family members because I know they would be lining up outside my door with their hands out.
Good luck, OP! And I hope your wife sees and understands that continuing this behavior is only going to lead to more requests for money. You put it in your foot down now is not a bad thing.” servicingstr8men48
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The term you’re looking for is “throwing good money after bad”.
Without further info, you’d just be enabling MIL’s awful money management decisions. How did she get into this spot? What plans does she have to avoid having this happen again? As long as you are acting as her no-strings-attached ATM, she has little or no incentive to change.
You already said that the most recent money you gave her was the last. If you backslide on this, you will get no respect and no limit on MIL’s needs for more money. She’s an adult and gets to make decisions about how she handles her money.
She also gets to live with the consequences of her decisions.” extinct_diplodocus
5. AITJ For Not Spending Thanksgiving With My Abusive Parents For The First Time?
“I (F24) moved in with my fiancée (F26) in June. Before this move, I had always lived in my hometown, where my parents live. We now live 2 hours away.
Before I moved in with my partner, my daughter (F5) and I always spent holidays with my parents.
My partner would drive up when she could, depending on her work schedule and the road conditions. This year my partner and I decided to stay home for Thanksgiving for a multitude of reasons.
The first of which is because we want to begin our own traditions as a family in our first home together.
The second of which is because of my partner’s work schedule. She will be working every day from November 25th – December 7th, with the exception of Thanksgiving day. I am also making her staff a full meal to bring in on Black Friday and will need time to prep.
The third reason is that I have reached a point in my life where I believe I should not do whatever I am told by my mother and do what I want. It was very difficult for me to come out to my parents and almost harder to move away from them.
My parents were abusive, kicked me out as a minor, and I spent many holidays homeless and alone. Once we reconnected, I did everything to make sure they didn’t discard me again. My mother has never apologized for anything she has done to me.
I have never made plans on holidays because I know they want me there, however, they never check if I have plans in the first place.
Tonight, I, my mother, and my daughter were on a FaceTime call just catching up. My mother said she would see us in a couple of weeks for Thanksgiving.
I told her that we were not coming and she was shocked. I told her that my fiancé had to work and that I was making food for her staff the next day and with the road conditions, it seemed like a lot. She was immediately upset and said she bought things for my daughter and that if we weren’t going to come to her, she was going to come to us with my father.
She began crying and hung up the call with me. She then yelled at my father saying it was his fault we were not coming and he must have done something to upset us. She also asked my sister if she upset me. I began receiving calls from each family member asking if I was mad at them or what had happened.
At this point, I was crying my eyes out as I had never really set boundaries before with my mother and I did feel guilty. My fiancé and I talked about it and decided to cave in because I couldn’t handle the stress.
I called my mom to apologize and she did not answer my call.
I then sent her a long text, where I apologized profusely multiple times, explained that I was not upset with anyone and that if they would still have us, we would love to go. It has been 6 hours and she has not responded to my text.
I do understand I should have let her know about this sooner, It was very difficult for me to tell her which also led to me avoiding the topic until she brought it up. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you cave in to her and go.
You need to send her a second message saying that having looked CAREFULLY at the logistics of this, you just cannot make it work. I would even go further and point out that you feel that it’s time to start creating new holiday traditions centered around you, your fiancée, and your child.
Look at it from your fiancee’s perspective. She gets ONE day off and was expecting to spend it with you and your child, relaxing. Now, you’re suggesting a four-hour round trip to the in-laws, with all the surrounding pressure. To say the least, that seems a little unfair.
I think, you know, that a bit of therapy might be very helpful for you. You say that you have done “everything to make sure that they don’t discard me again”. What have they done to accept and apologize for their behavior? Because, you KNOW they were wrong, don’t you?
Look at your child – would you ever consider doing to them what was done to you? No? Then….. why was it okay for you? I’m NOT saying go NC or even LC (although you may have to, at least at the beginning), but, at the very least, you need to start to establish new, strong boundaries.” ZookeepergameWise774
Another User Comments:
“NTJ OP, this is emotional abuse. I know she’s your mother, but this behavior is toxic. She’s trying to manipulate you. If you can’t do this for yourself, do it for your daughter and partner – don’t go. There is no way you can drive 4 hours round trip and take care of your obligations.
This is also not fair to your partner. She’s going to be exhausted working so much, traveling, and spending time with your family. She needs downtime. If you’re not seeing a counselor, you should. They can help you learn how to work through this type of relationship.
You need to deal with this baggage now, so you’re not carrying it for the rest of your life. If you allow your mother to control you now, she will take every opportunity to control you in the future. Don’t let her occupy that space in your head.
You will regret it, and you’ll never have peace. You shouldn’t have to earn her love and respect. It’s exhausting, and you have a partner and child that loves you. THIS is who you should certain your energy on.” lilolememe
4. AITJ For Accusing My Mom Of Favoritism Towards My Younger Sister?
“I, 15F, have a sister, 13F, and she’s always been treated better than me. I try to brush it off, but it’s getting more obvious.
She gets more things, spends more money when out without being reprimanded. My mom (45F) pays very little attention to her social life, while my friends are almost always a topic of conversation.
She gets away with almost everything, and my mom even got mad at me for sending a meme she didn’t understand (100% appropriate for her to see, nothing bad at all).
Recently, my mom took me and my friend to a theme park near our house (about an hour’s drive away).
I’ve only been one time before with some family friends, and my sister has been about 5 times with her friends.
The whole time before we left to pick up my friend, my mom was telling me not to mention it to her. She knew we were going, but my mom didn’t want her to be jealous.
The times my sister went with her friends, she bragged about it a ton. To clarify, her friends invited her to go, not the other way around.
After I got back (we were gone for roughly 6 hours, but my sister had sports my dad took her to), my sister was upset she wasn’t able to go.
The park was closing for the season soon, and she wouldn’t be able to go.
Now, my mom has been making plans to take her and someone because she got so jealous of me. I tried to talk to her about how it was unfair, and she had already been many more times than me, despite me liking roller coasters more.
She told me that she was “giving us equal opportunity”. I told her that if I were the one who was jealous, I would have to “deal with it” because I’m older, and told her she clearly favors my sister. My mom blew up, and now my family is angry with me.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“If your sister gets to go more often because her friends invite her – what is the basis of your jealousy? Do your parents give her money every time to go or is she just using an allowance you both receive?
Are you jealous she has more friends and therefore more opportunities for social events? That would not be something your Mom controls other than giving her permission to go.” FireBallXLV
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I get where you’re coming from, but you’re out of line.
Your mother took you to the amusement park. She takes an interest in your social life. She asked you not to aggravate your sister by talking about the park. That sounds like asking you to be helpful to her, frankly, to avoid your sister being an absolute pain about it.
In ten or fifteen years, you’ll feel very different about this situation. That doesn’t help now. You’re feeling a certain way because of the way you perceive the specifics, not the big picture. That’s very teenager of you. I don’t say that to put you down.
Our points of view change dramatically throughout our lives. Take a breath. Take a step back. You and your sister are different people and have different needs. Are yours met? Aside from this jealousy, are you generally happy at home?” rockology_adam
Another User Comments:
“As the older sibling, I totally understand how you feel. I always felt like my sister got away with so much more than I did growing up because I was the oldest and I “should know better”. She was the baby of the family and definitely played on that at times.
As an adult, I still feel that, at times things were unfair, but remember, being a parent doesn’t come with an instruction manual and your parents are just muddling through the best they can. Sometimes adults get it wrong and at your age, you’re probably starting to realize that.
It’s a hard lesson! My advice would be, let this one go, it’s not that big a deal although it might not feel that way right now. Ultimately, your mum did something nice with you and yeah it sucks that your sister’s been a bit bratty but that’s kind of what younger siblings do sometimes!” Bambam_26_
3. AITJ For Choosing To Care For Birds Instead Of Subsidizing My Sisters' Lifestyles?
“I (34f) purchased a large “Victorian manor” fixer-upper a few years ago. It was a huge labor of love, everything needed replacing, from the roof to the studs. Little by little, I slaved over it, making it my own.
At some point in the house’s history, a VERY LARGE glass atrium/aviary was built in the middle of the house.
It spans all 4 stories, doming out over the roof like a skylight. In it is a mature tree that reaches the 3rd floor, as well as smaller vegetation, a small koi pond, and 2 benches. It is very much the focal point of the house. It’s what sold me on the house in the first place.
The renovations of the house are coming to an end, including the reconstruction of the atrium. Every month, a professional comes to check the thermostat and humidity, misters, water pH, etc. On his next visit, he will bring the birds, teaching me how to care for them in between visits.
It’s a huge undertaking and I am very much up to the challenge.
I have 2 sisters, Ashley 25f and Katerina 36f. My relationship is strained at best with them, as I am usually little more than a walking ATM to them. The past year I have started to grow a spine, and they HATE it.
I no longer pay their rent and car notes, and I stopped giving them allowances, asking them both to get jobs. They say family helps family, and I’ve done well for myself, so I should subsidize their lifestyles (very expensive lifestyles, I might add).
During a recent conversation, I told them I was excited to get my new birds.
I had birds growing up and was eager to start this new adventure again. My oldest sister says what I’m doing is animal abuse, forcing birds to stay trapped inside when birds belong outside. She even threatened to call animal services on me. My younger sister chimed in saying what a waste of money it is.
That I could be using that money to help my sisters since I know they did not take a summer vacation this year that I usually pay for each season. They really went in on me hard, to the point I started to cry a little.
My younger sister felt a little bad and said she shouldn’t have been so harsh but I needed to hear the truth, and my older sister said she had nothing to apologize for.
I left their apartment on bad terms. They are still really upset with me, saying blood is thicker than water(or in this case, birds).
I’m worried I’ve become so caught up in the excitement that I’m being a jerk. With my sisters, there never seems to be an end to my responsibilities. It’s exhausting. I just wanted some birds. But maybe they are right. Am I the jerk for choosing birds over my own sisters?”
Another User Comments:
“Yuck. This is a small slice of life obviously. Do your sisters reciprocate in any way? Do they bring some kind of goodness or fulfillment to your life? If not, they’re leeches. Let them work to fund their own lifestyles. NTJ—and your house sounds amazing.
I love Victorian architecture!” Leather-Hand-4947
Another User Comments:
“You should totally put a post of your house one day! By the way, NTJ the sheer entitlement to demand AND expect you to foot the bill for them for the rest of their lives is ridiculous and downright childish.
You’re not even the eldest either and that just speaks volumes about the type of person your sisters are. Especially your older sister. Just sad on their part that they think they can insult you and have a tantrum because you’re literally standing your ground.
Maybe it’s time to cut them off and go NC with them?” MasterHappyMcSpanky
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Family helps family when they’re having trouble affording things they need. If your sisters had just been laid off from their jobs and needed a little money to tide over their rent or something, or had gone through some other emergency situation that made money very tight, that would be one thing.
But paying for their vacations? That’s nuts. Why do they think you should pay for their fun (vacations) over your fun (birds)? It’s your money, you should be supporting your own fun first, and theirs if you feel like it. They seem to feel completely entitled to your money, which is not normal. I’ve helped my siblings occasionally because I knew if our positions were reversed, they’d help me.
Do you have that sense with your siblings? Have they ever offered to pay for your vacations?” algunarubia
2. AITJ For Sneaking Meat Into My Meals While Raising My Son As A Vegetarian?
“I’m 40 (F). My husband is a vegetarian and I am not.
He was vegetarian when we met and I have always respected it and he has always not been bothered by me eating meat. At home, I have always eaten vegetarian since we cohabited, out of convenience for eating together.
When we had a child (now 4) we decided to raise him vegetarian.
It is a strong belief of my husband, a neutral thing for me. I wanted to respect his beliefs. I do the cooking and cook vegetarian food for our son.
My son is very smart and began to pick up whether I was vegetarian or not from 2 and a half onwards – this was developmentally earlier than I was expecting.
Arguably, I didn’t deal with it the best way initially. I told my son I would go vegetarian after he said things like “I want you to be vegetarian and kind to animals, mummy”. This reasoning of his came from me – I have always tried to enhance my husband’s views on my son by explaining we’re raising him vegetarian as it’s important to be kind to animals.
He conceptually understands death, from living in the countryside and knows that you eat dead animals if having meat. This is where this comment of his came from.
However, after telling my son I was vegetarian I still ate meat when not around him. Now to the AITJ bit… I have, on occasion, snuck some meat into my order when eating out with him.
For example, having a sausage sandwich and saying it was veggie sausages. I know it’s wrong to lie to kids, but I thought of it as a white lie. I kicked the can down the road to deal with all this when he’s older.
Today I ordered a ham and cheese sandwich and the waitress announced it on delivery.
My son picked up on this and, not upset too much, but told me I’d done bad behavior. My husband was there and told me he’s furious at me. Not because of not being vegetarian, but because I lied to our son and then tried to sneak a bit of meat at lunchtime.
I feel this whole thing has been tricky to navigate and I’ve never even had a thank you for recognition from my husband that I have tried.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“The biggest problem here is when your kid starts school and gets the crap bullied out of him and/or gets into trouble with teachers (and being disliked by other parents) for trying to tell all the other kids they’re bad for eating meat.
Raising him veggie is your choice, fine. Doing it by telling him it’s bad to eat meat was absolutely the wrong thing to do. Lying to him made it worse. You guys need to focus on undoing the damage and changing his mindset so that he understands different people can have different diets and that’s okay.
And your husband is probably going to have to come to terms with the fact that once your kid has a healthy attitude about what people can eat, he’s going to want to try meat at some point. ESH (except the kid).” DerpDevilDD
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and honestly teaching him that you “are doing something bad” by eating meat is really unhealthy. I hope your husband and you did research into the types of proteins that need to be substituted with vegetarian children. You can put them in a severely malnourished state if you aren’t being careful to make sure they are getting what they need. This is why vegetarianism and veganism in children is such a controversial subject among pediatricians. Either way, brainwashing him that someone is doing something bad by eating meat is not the way to go.
Just be honest and say you like meat and choose to eat it.” Lucky_Six_1530
Another User Comments:
“INFO: you sure your husband is actually ok with you eating meat? Sounds like he’s actually not at all. Him being “furious” at you for eating meat means he is a lying liar who has been lying.
He played lip service to being ok with it because you actually turned vegetarian for him, and are complying with his wishes and preferences regarding meal choice, personal doctrine, and raising his kid (yes, HIS kid.) I think you know that. If your husband was actually ok with you not being vegetarian exactly like him, there wouldn’t be all of this shame you’re feeling, or feeling like you have to sneak around, and he wouldn’t be having you tell the kid not being vegetarian is evil and mean to animals so you have to be vegetarian or face your kid thinking you’re bad.
The only way through this is to say “You know what? You’re right, I shouldn’t have to hide, and lying about this was bad. I don’t know why I felt I had to. I am not vegetarian, so I’m going to order what I like in restaurants and I’m going to cook what I like.
Thank you for making me realize sneaking and lying was not the answer, and for supporting my decision.” And then shut down any and all discussion from your husband. He can take over cooking at home if he feels that strongly, but he cannot police what you order at restaurants, and knocking off the whole eating meat = bad people is nonnegotiable.” Apart_Insect_8859
1. AITJ For Requiring My Son To Take Business Classes Before Using His College Fund To Start A Business?
“I (48M) have a son who graduated this year from high school.
We (my wife and I) started his college fund the minute we found out she was pregnant. Since we make good money (in the mid 6 figures), his college fund currently has almost $400k in it.
We have never told our son what to do with his life. We may have guided his decisions as any good parent should, but since he was still young we let him make his own decisions.
We also never expected academic excellence or forced him into sports or artistic activities.
Now that he graduated high school, he said that he did not want to go to college. We said as long as he was sure, he could do whatever he wanted. He refused trade schools too. He also did not want to work with us in our business.
He said that he planned to use his college fund to start a business of his own. I said that I would allow it only if he took some Business Management, accounting, and law classes in the nearby community college. I said that I would pay them out of pocket and not from the fund.
And then I would expect a well-made business plan before I would give him the money. My wife agrees 100%.
But he called us jerks for holding his college fund hostage to make him do what we wanted. We think we are just doing our best to make sure that his business succeeds.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not holding it “hostage” for any selfish reason. You’re trying to help him get and stay on a good track in life. You even offered to pay for the classes out of pocket and not from the college fund.
You’re trying to support him, but you’re also trying to stay realistic and make sure he knows what he’s doing, so he doesn’t make a $400k mistake.” MaraTheBard
Another User Comments:
“Whoaaaaa NTJ at all. You and your wife are INCREDIBLY generous and have set super reasonable guidelines for how you’d like the money to be spent.
Not to mention, if he started a business, there is a good chance it would not even take off, so I think it is INCREDIBLY generous for you to support that expense as well, and it seems wise to have a couple of caveats in place if he chooses to go that route.
I think your son is acting incredibly entitled and doesn’t realize how lucky he is to even have a college fund set aside for him. So many adults are drowning in student debt…. He needs some big-picture perspective. It sounds to me like you’re doing everything right in this scenario, and how awesome that you and your wife had the foresight and the means to contribute to a college fund for your son!
Way to go, Dad!” Impressive_Cat_530
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Our son started college under protest–we didn’t force him, just told him that we wouldn’t pay for anything without a plan. He kept threatening to quit school because he “could,” and I would listen and say that it was his choice.
He then said he wanted to start a business, and he asked us to invest. We told him we’d need a business plan. In the meantime, the clock kept ticking and he kept taking classes–still threatening to quit until his senior year. He graduated 2 years ago and has continued to work at a local business.
Now the owner wants to retire, so my son and two other long-time employees wrote a business plan and negotiated a buyout plan with the owner. Our son is getting a loan for his share of the down payment from the Bank of Mom & Dad at a very favorable interest rate for dog-sitting on request. Your requirements are very reasonable.
Your son sounds immature and/or entitled. Perhaps he needs to work a job for which he is currently qualified. My guess is he won’t last long before life teaches him a tough lesson.” bigtoeleftfoot
