People Get Feisty In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
19. AITJ For Not Paying More At Dinner Despite Past Generosity?
“I (32 F) and my husband (34 M) went out to dinner with my sister (27 F), mom, brother-in-law (32M), and my brother-in-law’s sister. My sister lives in a foreign country where we are currently visiting and neither my husband or myself speak the language so my sister and brother-in-law have been doing the majority of the food ordering.
We discussed beforehand the food everyone wanted and agreed to split a bottle of wine between my husband and my sister. The food comes out on communal plates and everything is chaotic but good. My husband, brother-in-law, and his sister go up to the register to split and pay the bill, bill gets paid, and my husband and I leave for our Airbnb.
Not even 5 minutes after we leave, I get a text from my sister asking if we paid for our portion of wine because her bill and my brother in laws sisters bill was higher than they were expecting. I told her I had no idea and I didn’t know what was going on.
I asked my husband about it and he said they split the bill at the register and he barely understood what anyone was saying because it was predominately done in the language we don’t speak. I get a text back from my sister saying we underpaid and I should have also offered to pay for my brother in laws beer because a couple of days prior, my BIL gave my husband and me concert tickets he won as a gift (neither of us had even realized he ordered a beer and we have plans to send a nice gift later as a thank you).
She also said she isn’t getting paid the week she took off work to visit with us, doesn’t make money like we do, and that she can’t “teach me how to be generous” in addition to a couple of other awful things.
I told her I don’t treat my relationships as transactional and don’t keep track of who is paying for what but that if the difference was that big to tell me what amount it is that I owe and I’ll send it.
She said she doesn’t want my money but that her feelings were hurt and that it was the principal of it all.
For additional context, I’ve paid for idk how many concert tickets, gifts (with no gift given back), meals, groceries, and a bunch of other stuff for her over the years.
She’s even lived with me rent-free when visiting our home country and borrowed my car so she could work while I covered gas, insurance, tolls, and oil changes. We’re also paying for an Airbnb in the country she lives in so we can visit her because she doesn’t have room in her apartment for us to stay and paid for a rental car we’ve all been using.
We’re also here to see Taylor Swift…. I paid for her ticket and also paid for friendship bracelets and fun concert makeup. My husband also paid to have custom shirts made for all of us, at no cost to her.
I’m obviously really hurt that she said those things and am now questioning myself.
AITJ for not paying more at dinner?”
Another User Comments:
“Your sister cites the principle of things and how she can’t teach you how to be generous?! You have provided her with considerable support in the past – that she obviously thinks she was entitled to – as well as the concert tickets and extending to whatever else?!
She thinks that you being in a better place financially means that you should compensate her for what she sees as the “cost” of spending time with you?! She’s being who she is and now you know. YWNBTJ.” Listen_2learn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your SIL seems a bit entitled. If I was in your situation I would let it go but never forget it.
I would no longer be treating her to anything. She knew your husband didn’t speak the language and was at the register – why didn’t she just tell your husband your share? It seems really juvenile and nitpicky to me. If I short-paid something by mistake I’d just want to be told I made a mistake and owe however much.
Your SIL made it into a drama.” Relevant_Demand7593
Another User Comments:
“This is gonna sound petty, maybe it is. When you discover a relationship is transactional, you have to start keeping an account. Since you purchased so many “gifts” for those who are involved, and then you get a request to pay more on a split tab with the excuse of how much someone else has done compared to you, you return the favor by asking for their portion of what you spent on them.
If they are going to start a transactional relationship, it is only right and fair for you to reciprocate. How would your asking for money be any different than her asking for money? If she complains then she gets to be the hypocrite.” ConfusedAt63
18. AITJ For Expecting My MIL To Inform Both Of Us Before Visiting?
“I 27f and my husband 33m have been married for the past 3 years and have known each other for roughly 11 years.
We both come from different backgrounds and ways of living; I have a somewhat smaller family, and he comes from a VERY large family. Our different lifestyles and upbringing have never been a problem up until recently.
My MIL is very traditional and conservative, and honestly, I never had a problem with this because I am all for people having their own beliefs.
UNLESS they begin to impose those beliefs on others when they shouldn’t, and expect others to believe the same. She is used to just “dropping in” on her children at their places without any heads up or notification, and I do not think this is okay, especially when they are grown adults with their apartments and lives.
Recently, this happened to us where both my husband and I did not know she was coming to visit and decided to tag along with another family member who DID let us know they were coming (this is not the first time it has happened to us and we live roughly 4 hours from their place) She told my SIL that she was coming to visit us, who then told me TWO HOURS before she was supposed to arrive.
My husband and I had no idea. We are the type of people who enjoy hosting and like to prepare our home before anyone shows up, and 2 hours would never be enough time to do so. I simply could not grasp why she didn’t just text me or my husband, instead, she opted to play telephone.
It later came out that she didn’t even have my number…and honestly, it made me upset. This is someone I’ve known for over a decade and I’m married to her son…. for her to use that as an excuse just did not sit right.
Fast forward my husband and I talked with her and his dad about how they BOTH need to text the US when they decide to come to our house and not just my husband…we did it in a very professional and respectful way and simply said “in the future we would greatly appreciate both of us receiving a text from whoever decides to stay with us, that way we are all on the same page”
She was angry, she said, “I don’t understand why I have to message you (me) if I’m tagging along, and if (my husband) knows I’m coming”. I told her we didn’t know she was coming first of all, and second, it was about respecting our relationship as a couple and our home, we just have super busy schedules and aren’t always available.
She continued to be mad and didn’t say goodnight that night, or good morning the next day. I understand now that since we did establish a boundary she feels almost ‘threatened’, but I truly do not understand. It felt like she was treating me like some partner he just started seeing and not his WIFE.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ By a long shot!! This is a reasonable, common, and important boundary. If you let this one go after sending that text, it will teach her that if she complains enough, she can eventually get her way. I’m known as the only one my mil listens to with boundaries.
My hubby and his siblings complain about her all the time, but then always give in. I don’t. I’m not rude about it (neither were you), but when I create a boundary, that’s the end of it. I’ve taught her that.” butterflyprinces872
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I would be mad at my mom if she came unannounced, let alone a MIL. You also handled the situation perfectly by communicating. I would say though, perhaps it’s a bit too late to try to change her now, those people just don’t change.
But let her son firmly tell her later that he NEEDS to be told before she shows up, and then he can pass the news to you. Since according to what you said, she doesn’t seem to have a problem notifying her son If you think things won’t change, the next time you find out she’s coming without prior notice, just leave the house, pretend to be out of town and when she calls be like “see that’s why you need to let us know beforehand”” acool_username
Another User Comments:
“Light YTJ for placing 100% of the communication burden on her and 0% on your husband. If she’s telling the truth that she does tell your husband, he bears some responsibility here too. Your husband should be perfectly capable of relaying information to you and she shouldn’t have to bypass your husband and go directly to you to communicate to you as a couple.
Your anger is understandable but seems at least 50% misplaced.” TreeHuggerHannah
17. AITJ For Not Informing Our Mutual Friend About Another Friend's Mother's Death?
“A few weeks ago my friend Bill’s mother passed away from cancer. I heard about this two days after she died when Bill messaged me. I instantly messaged back saying I was sorry, and asking if I could call him, or if there was anything at all that I could do.
Bill appreciated it, though told me he didn’t want to talk at that time; he has lost family members (father, brother) in the past and similarly didn’t want to talk to other people immediately when they passed away. He is just the kind of person who likes to grieve alone/with family, and then let his friends know.
It’s not the way I’d do it, but it’s his choice.
Accordingly, I didn’t tell anyone that Bill’s mother died. Eventually, Bill asks to meet up for a drink, to which I agree. I was supposed to meet up with another friend, Fred that week, so I asked Bill if Fred could join us (we have all been friends since school).
Bill agrees, so I invite Fred. To prepare him for the situation, I told Fred about the loss, and not to expect a “fun” night; rather, we will be there to support Bill. When it came up that I had known about the loss for 9 days, Fred immediately got confrontational over text, saying I should have told him sooner.
I explained that Bill is extremely private, but Fred wouldn’t let it go, saying that I (i) let Fred down for not telling him, and (ii) let Bill down by not telling people, as allegedly, Bill told me so that I could tell other people in his stead.
When I contested this, pointing to how Bill has acted in similar situations in the past, Fred said I was “completely unhinged”, and that if I asked anyone, they would agree. I said that Bill does things the way he does, and he’s the person who counts here not me, Fred, or anyone else.
Fred’s implication that I let Bill down by not telling people so they could comfort him has caused me a huge amount of upset (I love Bill, he is my best friend, and I’m heartbroken that he lost his mother, and Fred is treating me like I betrayed Bill).
Throughout this, I apologized to Fred for him being hurt by me not telling him, but I said I did what I felt was right, as I respected Bill’s (admittedly, assumed) wishes. When I told him that his allegations of letting Bill down were causing me extreme hurt too, and asked for a return apology for that, he ignored it completely.
Fred’s mother died of cancer several years ago, and he had told Bill that he would spend more time with him in solidarity; this didn’t happen. So I think Fred is guilty about this, and trying to shift some blame to me. I also think Fred is indignant that Bill told me and not him.
In any case, I don’t feel like I did anything wrong. If Bill wanted me to tell people, then surely he would have asked me to when I asked him if there “was anything – anything at all I could do”. I’m losing my mind here – AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Going with a hefty NTJ here. Fred sounds exhausting. If Bill wanted Fred to know, he could have let him know, and until that happens, it’s none of Fred’s business. (It sounds like you’re closer to Bill than Fred is- he might be feeling insulted about that.
But in that case, he doesn’t get to take it out on you!)” nix-h
16. AITJ For Refusing To Attend My Dad's Wedding Scheduled The Day After My Graduation?
“I (17F) am about to go into my senior year of high school. My parents are divorced, I live with my mom a majority of the time and occasionally I stay with my dad and his partner who recently got engaged.
My dad and I have always had a weird relationship, Consistently my dad has chosen his partners over me in the past, so I have never really gotten close with him. The problem lies with his partner who I’ll call Bee.
About a year ago, I decided to take a break from staying with them because when I would be over there, Bee was constantly scolding me for being 5 minutes later than she told me to be home, for wearing baggy clothing, OR the fact that my room had a single sock on the floor that wasn’t put in the laundry basket.
(That may sound like I’m exaggerating but Bee made me stay home from hanging out with my friends to do a whole load of all of the family socks to “show how important small details are” OVER A SOCK).
The actual issue started a couple of months ago when they got engaged. My dad had asked me before if I was okay with it, and I told him that no matter what I said he was going to do it anyway.
And he did. They got engaged and immediately started figuring out a date for the wedding.
(I don’t want to share either the date or the meaning as it is very specific to my family and I can already see myself getting in more trouble than I already am for this post, LOL)
So, this morning, I saw Bee planning some dates, and I decided to ask what date she decided on. IT IS THE DAY AFTER MY GRADUATION. I just sat in disbelief. She assured me that it would be fine. That this was the perfect date for their wedding, and as I tried to argue with the fact that it would mean either my family would miss my graduation, that I WOULD MISS MY GRADUATION, or everyone, including myself, would have to miss my dad’s wedding.
I told her that she and my dad would have to live with the fact that if they chose that date, I would not be attending. She told me that wasn’t fair, that I could easily fly out early the next morning to arrive right before the wedding, I tried to explain to her that it wasn’t as simple as that.
It would mean that MY DAD wouldn’t be there to watch me graduate. My dad just sat at the table, telling me to watch my mouth or that I was overreacting. So I said, “Fine, I’ll make sure that I can be at your next wedding though.” Bee’s mouth dropped and my dad yelled at me to go to my room.
So I did.
I feel like I was out of line for commenting on my dad’s hypothetical; “next wedding”, but I don’t know. I’m very hurt and confused and I genuinely don’t know if I’m just acting like a bratty teenager. Soooo… AITJ for refusing to go to my parent’s wedding????”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If they don’t care about your major life events, I think it’s warranted to show an equal disinterest in theirs. Normally when I see things like this, I say “go to the wedding, you’ll regret it later” but honestly that’s so disrespectful to you that I think it’s warranted to say you’re not coming.
The “next wedding” bit is a little cheap, but I’m not gonna lie, I respect a good parting shot.” JNF919
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You only get one day to graduate high school, and you don’t get to pick what date that is. That is a huge event in a young persons life, and support of the family means everything.
They have any day of the year they can pick for their wedding, and it sounds like they are being very inconsiderate to you. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this. Maybe the best thing you can do is sit down with your dad, dad only, and explain that graduation is a very big day for you, and that you would like his support, just as much as he would like your support for his wedding.
Ultimately, he should change the date of his wedding. If he doesn’t, I wouldn’t feel bad about missing the wedding. Good luck to you.” FoxyArcticLady
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is how my stepmom entered our family too. Made living with my dad impossible. 10 years later we get along okay but we wouldn’t have if I allowed their personal opinions to dictate my actions.
It’s your life, kiddo. No one has to live with your decisions at the end of the day, but you. You’re young and deserve to focus on yourself. Congratulations!! You’re graduating. That’s a big deal. Soon you won’t have to fall for their guilt trips.
Then one day you’ll look back at all the comfort you had in life that came from putting your foot down and letting someone else sit in their own discomfort.” seleroyal
15. AITJ For Standing Up To My Parents About My Engagement And Their Disapproval?
“I should start with both my parents aren’t terrible people. They did the best they could with the limited resources they had.
I am half Indian and half Australian. My dad is a pretty nice guy but he had a lot of anger issues when I was growing up, and now he’s just resigned. My mother is the warmest, loveliest person you could ever meet until you don’t meet her standards.
My Mum keeps sending me arranged marriage prospects on the basis that raising good Hindu kids with my dad was a disaster and she doesn’t want me to make the same mistakes. Here’s the thing. I’m already engaged to a musician I love and adore.
He’s an incredible partner and is so supportive of my culture and learning about it. He just so happens to be white.
Today I made it clear I loved my partner and he wanted to meet my Mum but I wasn’t going to push her.
She replied “NO” all caps. I said that was fine, but she didn’t need to reply like that.
I tried to talk to my dad about it but he said he didn’t have time to be involved in my “drama”.
And I lost it.
I told my dad via text I was just so disappointed he wouldn’t do anything to help me, even though he likes my fiance, and that I wasn’t upset with him just frustrated at the situation with my mum. And he responded with “What do you expect me to do, seriously?!” So I said I didn’t expect him to do anything and I had given up on that a long time ago, I just wanted him to listen.
For context every time I call my dad to update him on how I’m doing he just acts like he doesn’t care. One-word responses and a lot of “mmhm”. I told my dad today that I was just going to stop calling and interrupting his life and he can contact me if he wants to know how I am doing.
I let my mom have it. She had previously expressed how disappointed she was in my lack of Indianness, and how I wasn’t enough of a good Indian girl. So I told her if these guys she was sending me were looking for a nice Indian girl, by her admission I am not one and she shouldn’t put me forward for them.
I also told her that I would love to have a relationship with her but her behavior was too much for me. I told her that I was not the source of her pain and it was unfair that you seemed to consider that I was and that I was choosing not to reach out anymore because I felt like I was hurting her more.
I told her that the choices were up to her that she had my number she knew where I lived and that I love her I am so grateful for everything she has done and continues to do for me, but I can’t continue to let myself be hurt by her.
Neither of my parents have responded and I feel like the jerk here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You have set a smart boundary for yourself. It’s painful but they have to decide to accept you as you are and not who they wish you were or in your father’s case, he needs to decide he’s interested in you.
Pursue happiness and the people who love and respect you. Your parents will come around or not but you no longer need to worry about their feelings. Congratulations on standing up for yourself and setting boundaries for your mental health.” corgihuntress
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mom is a racist, and your dad is a pushover who has had his spirit broken by her and failed you by giving in to her to appease her. It sounds like your partner is a good guy who genuinely cares for you and supports you, and it sounds like you deserve him.
I’m happy for you that you have him, regardless of his ethnic or religious background. I’m sorry your parents can’t see past their issues to be happy for you.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sending marriage proposals while you’re ENGAGED is extremely disrespectful towards you and your fiance.
Indian parents tend to create an idealistic image of their children in their heads and constantly push them to be that version of themselves. She needs to accept that you love someone and are engaged. Marriage means spending a life with someone it should be with someone you love, rather than someone you marry to appease your parent’s expectations.
You seem to have a good relationship with your mom other than this, so I hope you not contacting her for a while will bring her to her senses and she’ll agree to meet your fiance. As for your dad, I completely understand not bothering to talk to him.
Wishing the best for you and your fiance.” SpicyNerd24
14. AITJ For Calling My Selfish Father Out On His Behavior?
“All my (24F) life my dad has always been selfish and superficial. Around 7 my older brother moved in with my dad but refused to let me see him more often. I could only see him every other weekend.
When we would have midweek visitation, he would pick me up from my mom’s and take me with him to run errands (aka Lowe’s, Home Depot, and Costco) then take me back to my mom’s. When I came home from school insecure about my body hair (was 8/9) he encouraged me to start shaving.
He would tell me I looked homeless because he didn’t like the outfits I would choose to wear. (Clean clothes just mismatched because I was a kid) He would tell me if I wasn’t “lady-like” and looking “presentable” at all times, it made him look bad and embarrassed him.
Whenever he wanted something from me, he would start promising he would get me a puppy. He would take me to go look at puppies saying we would come back another time to buy one, but then after he got what he wanted he would “change his mind.” When I would see him every other weekend, he would usually take my brother and me to a babysitter 1 or 2 nights so he could hang with friends.
When he got remarried (I was 11) he convinced me to move in full-time with him and see my mom every other weekend. (I now know it was so he would pay less child support) He told my stepmom to start encouraging and teaching me to do my hair/makeup.
As I got more insecure, I began gaining a bit of weight as I used food to comfort my depression. My brother (3 years older) started calling me a “fat heifer” and when I’d cry and ask my dad to defend me, he would tell me to stop whining because “boys will be boys”.
More stuff like that continued to happen as years went by. Fast forward to last year, I decided to confide in him about some trauma my older brother caused to me that he didn’t know about. At that point, things seemed to be alright between us and he told me I could trust him.
I found out 3 months ago, that not only did he tell my brother everything I told him, but when I found out and said he broke my trust he said, “he deserved to know.” Then said I was the one breaking trust, and I was abandoning family and being selfish.
He ended the convo with “Goodbye [insert name].” A month after that he reached out to invite me to his church meeting and after I didn’t respond favorably given our last conversation, he started saying he was sorry for me that I still haven’t found peace.
And that I’m still resentful of things from years ago. I expressed how he has never taken accountability and always blamed me for things he did and he ended it by saying he “wishes” me the best. That was the last straw and I finally told him he was a lousy father who brought me more pain than joy.
Since then we don’t talk and he has only responded when I reached out for mandatory family affairs.
I sorta feel bad, maybe I was too harsh. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If anything you weren’t harsh enough. Take it from me, I have a lousy father too and have had no contact for years after I went through the full grief process.
This pain you’re feeling, please keep in mind this phrase so you’ll remember why you’re in pain. The ax forgets but the tree remembers.” copper-feather
Another User Comments:
“You are 24 and worried about calling your dad a lousy father when he was one by your own account?
What is the point of airing your dirty laundry if you don’t want to stand up for yourself? Block him. Move on. If not seeing or talking to him makes you happy, then do it. You are only a jerk if you don’t take care of yourself.
NTJ” Top-Ad-2676
Another User Comments:
“We can’t choose our parents. But, we can choose to let them not bother us anymore. I think what you are feeling is not so much as guilt but, a longing for closure and acknowledgement from his end. The tough part is that mistreatment and narcissists rarely acknowledge their issues or admit that they could be wrong ever.
People who are victims of such narcissistic behavior end up craving admittance and apology and whatnot. It will never come. It is sad. I feel sorrow (not sorry) for you.” MeaningFair
13. AITJ For Wanting Personal Space From My Overly Clingy Partner?
“So I won’t get into a lot of backstory.
My (23F) partner (21M) and I, have been together for three years and he has always been clingy. From following me around the house wherever I go to smothering me with kisses and hugs. I was always flattered by this until it started affecting me.
I started resenting him and telling him to give me space more often. I was telling him not to kiss me and that I just wanted to be alone. Whenever he hugs me, he puts a ton of pressure on my back. He expects me to kiss him for a long period anytime we hug and he isn’t aware when I pull away for air, he just forces his face back onto mine because he wants to keep kissing.
I didn’t make this a big deal until he started smothering me in bed.
Whenever we get in bed to go to sleep, he puts his leg onto my abdomen and his arm across my chest. For reference, I am extremely small, smaller than average, and while my partner isn’t huge, he is much bigger than me.
His legs are also the heaviest parts of his body as he has huge calves and feet. Not only does he put his weight on me but through the night he gets closer and closer causing me to get to the edge of the bed, or be smashed against the wall if I decide to sleep on the other side.
I also overheat.
I’ve noticed these things affecting my back as my back has been hurting from being bent uncomfortably throughout the night as well and my abdominal area is often sore. Last night I drank a ton of water before bed and woke up in the middle of the night having to pee badly.
I had to pry him off of me and almost peed the bed because it was so difficult and his weight was pressing down on my bladder. He readjusted his hold on me while he was half asleep.
I have always dreamed of someone being obsessed with me and treating me like they don’t want to lose me but I suppose my dream has backfired. Sometimes I will have resentment about something and then use that resentment as an excuse to sleep on the opposite edge of the bed. I would allow us to go to bed mad at each other and act like I didn’t want to be touched so he could leave me alone.
I had a talk with him about all of this and his response was: “How does my partner not want to cuddle with me at night? That’s so weird. If you were in love with me you would crave being close to me”. He took me not wanting to be touched so much as rejection.
He has childhood abandonment trauma and I have childhood trauma from being touched unconsensually.
AITJ for not wanting to be touched so much?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s like having a big over-friendly dog in bed. Cute, but also crushing. Can you work out a deal where there is lots of cuddling before lights out and after that he retreats to his side of the bed?
Just tell him you have a bad back and that you need him to be gentle and let him show you what you like now, both in and out of bed for all the kissing and hugging. If he doesn’t listen, then he’s not showing affection, he’s being a buffoon and putting his needs over yours. ” Squiggles567
Another User Comments:
“NTJ perhaps approaching him about the lack of sleep you are getting and the physical strain his weight is putting on you will be more effective. If he cannot understand these basic things and work with you to solve this problem, then perhaps you should stop sleeping in the same bed. His lack of concern for your well-being is concerning as well as he feels his need to snuggle is more important than your need for comfort.
Why are his needs more important than yours? He also is guilt-tripping you into doing what he wants. His wants are more important than your needs. Guilt tripping is very selfish and manipulative, ya know? Basic respect is being discarded by him, something to think about going forward.” ConfusedAt63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ For him to tell you that if you love him you will behave a certain way is wrong. To say if you don’t like this or that then something must be wrong with you or you must not like or love me and the problem is yours is gaslighting.
You say he doesn’t feel you pull away when you’re kissing and just pulls you back and keeps kissing you sounds like b.s. I think he feels it and doesn’t care if you don’t want to keep going. He wants to keep going so he keeps it up and ignores that you need to come up for air.
Your partner sounds immature, to say the least, and smothering. Lots of people who are married or in long-term relationships come to the realization that they need to sleep in separate beds to get any sleep for one reason or another. I know it doesn’t fit with the typical romantic notion of snuggling in bed with your significant other but it may be what you need. Or maybe a new partner.
Don’t let him keep telling you that you’re the problem. Not everyone likes to be grabbed at all the time.” Outrageous-blue
Men who do this to women are effectively p*****g on their partners to mark their 'territory'. There is no need to put up with it.
12. AITJ For Accidentally Revealing My Friend's Secret Crush In Front Of Our Group?
“I (24F) recently started hanging out with this friend group. Everyone is nice and funny, I adore every single person and I feel like I fit in well.
I admit I have a mild crush on one of the guys who we will call C (24M), he’s well-liked and I felt like I clicked with him. He was a scrawny nerd growing up and now he’s tall, thick, and handsome, but still has that nerd energy.
The man does not realize he is handsome. Being the person I am, I asked him out, but he declined and as a grown adult, I moved on. One of his closest friends in the group (25M) mentioned in passing that C has been infatuated with someone else for like 4 years to the point where he doesn’t interact with other women romantically at all.
I figure I’m infatuated and I’ll be over it in a few months anyway, no big deal, not my business.
Last weekend we were all celebrating an amazing, beautiful girl D’s (24F) birthday. It was really fun, and chill, we were playing games and listening to music, no big deal. C got D legos which was silly but sweet.
From my understanding, they’re both a bit socially awkward and find solace in little tedious activities like that, so it was sweet and fitting.
Later, D took a sip from her drink and flinched. She had gotten her septum pierced a few days before and the can touching it felt weird.
We all laughed and someone suggested she touch it against someone else’s septum. The only one there with a septum was C, and he IMMEDIATELY got all blushy and giggly about it. D was down but C was stalling, and finally she like pulled her lips in to not kiss him and bumped her nose ring against his.
To everyone’s disappointment, neither of them felt any like shock or anything, but C was a mess.
Now where I might be the jerk. I said, “Oh, D is the one you’re infatuated with!” Like a lightbulb went on. Everyone sort of looked at me and C pretty much turned white.
D looked confused but before much could happen C’s best friend started redirecting and everything went on like normal. I apologized privately to my friend who brought me into this group because there was a brief awkward moment that was my fault. C and D ended up in the kitchen building legos together anyway so I figured no harm done.
I noticed since then pretty much everyone in the group has been silent. The friend who brought me in said everyone felt like I overstepped. Everyone knew that C was a simp for D and has been for years, and sort of just let things go because they’re both so awkward, it’ll happen when and if it happens.
I defended myself and pointed out that another friend referred to C as D’s lapdog who always followed her around, but my friend said that was different. Both D and C expressed mild discomfort, but their best friends are the ones who are upset with me.
I’d like to make it right, but part of me feels I’m being treated unfairly for something I didn’t realize. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ do you often say your thoughts out loud when they are inappropriate during real human interaction? Stating out loud that person A likes person B in front of them and several friends is very second grade.
I don’t understand how you think what you did has any defensive action, whether accidental or not.” Tesatire
Another User Comments:
“Gonna throw another No jerks here in there. I don’t think you did this with any nefarious motivations in mind, conscious or otherwise. I think it was just a foot-in-mouth moment; try to catch yourself in the future.
I don’t think the friends are jerks for being defensive of their besties; they just wanna be sure you’re not out to hurt anyone’s feelings or meddle. Apologizing to everyone – with maybe the briefest explanation of how stupid you felt after blurting it out – is a reasonable path forward, and it’s up to them if they still want to be wound up about it.
I doubt the cute nerds will think much of it, and are probably much happier getting to vibe together and enjoy their bricks than be in the middle of a social dust devil about themselves.” RedDeadEddie
11. AITJ For Making My Partner Sign A Document To Pay Back Money He Owes Me?
“A year ago now, I (22f) paid for a few things for my partner (35m) that he was supposed to pay me back for but couldn’t afford to at the time.
He figured he would win a settlement later in the year and that he would have the funds to pay me back so didn’t look into finding a job (I know). We didn’t initially get this in writing as I should have, but whenever I would bring it up he wouldn’t address it, or most recently how he said “But we’re in a relationship”, as well as the amount of time that has passed, I felt it was necessary to finally get it on paper.
He also already has large legal debts (at least $10,000) and while in active addiction had wasted $300,000 he had won (he is now in recovery), so I know he isn’t very financially responsible so it had been a growing concern as time passed that I wouldn’t be paid back, especially with how many close calls to breaking up we have had.
This is only for an amount of $350, but I was raised to be responsible with money. The only caveat is that my codependency gets in the way and I give and trust too much, so initially I assumed this wouldn’t be an issue. Both of my parents have passed away, and my dad was successful, so I have money coming my way when I’m older and am not in a hunch for money currently.
But – I don’t think that is an excuse to not be paid back. No matter the amount of assets either person has it doesn’t excuse the need to pay someone back. And being in a relationship doesn’t excuse this either.
When I told him I’d like for him to sign this, he immediately got angry and said that I have all of the money in the world and that I was bringing in a legal matter that puts pressure on the relationship, stating that this is like “what the rich do to the poor”.
I understand how doing this is perceived as an insult to him, and potentially questions the integrity of the relationship yet I’ve tried to explain that it’s been a year with no serious discussion, that I’m doing this to relieve my anxiety, that he already has other debts to pay, that how often we almost break up adds to the worry, and that doing this will help relieve any building resentment.
I don’t hold the value of money over relationships, but I want him to be accountable and I don’t need to worry about it for over a year, questioning if he will follow through.
He did immediately sign it but we are yet again on the verge of seriously breaking up.
So am I the jerk for asking him to sign a document a year after owing me? I feel like this is the smart and financially responsible thing to do at this point, although not ideal overall, I can see where he’s coming from about this damaging the integrity of our relationship as it shows I lack the trust in him for him to pay me back.
He told me to go down a rabbit hole about this and ask people, so here I am.”
Another User Comments:
“This man is materially older than you and is irresponsible with money, and sounds like an ungrateful, emotionally imbalanced partner. I mean, you’re NTJ for getting him to sign a useless document (you are never getting that money back unless you drag his behind to small claims court), but I’d say you’ll be YTJ if you continue to be in a relationship with someone who is going to use you / your inheritance.
The smart and financially responsible thing to do is dump this guy straight to the curb and consider $350 CHEAP considering what putting up with him costs. It’s also a fairly inexpensive life lesson to avoid deadbeat losers. I also hope you are using birth control that is rock solid because this guy sounds like he could try to entrap you for money.” Independent-Length54
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you stay in a relationship with this freeloader. This man is 13 years older than you and does not have much to offer outside of giving you constant anxiety. It does not “damage the integrity” of a relationship to ask for money back, but let’s be clear, that piece of paper will not get you your money back.
This guy is never going to pay you back; he’s only going to drag you into debt with him.” screamqueen57
Another User Comments:
“You have no job to speak of. I got to imagine he spent at least $350 plus on you in the time you were seeing each other.
Especially if he had enough to spend $300,000 on substance use. Chances are slim that you weren’t using him for money or a means to get by without working.” Si13ncer
10. AITJ For Wanting My Roommate Brother To Limit His DnD Sessions?
“My (32F) brother (29M) is the DM for a dnd campaign. My brother is also my roommate. Our two other roommates are my brother’s best friend, who is part of the dnd campaign, and then my partner, who is not.
Anyway, early this year, the players decided to start playing more often, and now it has become every Saturday night….at our house. If you work a full-time M-F 8a – 5p job, you can understand that Saturdays are the only day where you didn’t work earlier in the day before and you don’t work the next day.
It’s the only full free day. And even if that weren’t the case, I’d still ask that every Saturday at my home wasn’t taken. I feel like when you have roommates, you need to be able to compromise, and what I’m asking for isn’t a big ask.
I tried to compromise with my brother and the players by asking that they play only 3 Saturdays per month instead of all 4. My brother said no. I then asked if they could do 3 Saturdays and one weekday. My brother said no. I asked if they could do 3 Saturdays and one day at someone else’s house.
My brother said no. It seems that my brother is the ultimate decision-maker, even though sometimes the players can be somewhat open to compromise, they end up going with whatever my brother decides.
And then, my brother began a second campaign at our home. So now, every Saturday AND one weekday, his friends are over at our house for dnd.
Now, every once in a while they can’t play due to schedules or whatever. But, on average, they are playing 3-4 Saturdays per month, PLUS the second group playing one weekday most weeks. And sometimes when they do have to miss a week or two, they’ll end up making up for it by playing twice a week or playing a longer session.
The players don’t seem to comprehend how often they’re at my house.
Our dining room is the dnd room and the room next to that is the media room. Dnd can be loud, with the music and talking over each other, and shouting. My partner and I don’t get much time to spend together during the week, as he works late hours and we’re both exhausted from our corporate Healthcare jobs, so we like having Saturdays to spend in the media room playing video games or watching a movie in the evenings.
But also just not having guests over every weekend would be nice. We can’t afford to move out on our own for another year or so. So in the meantime, the rent here is cheap, but the living situation sucks.
I think if you have roommates, there will always be a need for compromise.
At the end of the day, I just want to be able to have a planned one weekend a month where there aren’t a bunch of guys hanging out in the house. Not just “oh they couldn’t play tonight” at the last minute. I want to know in advance that it’s a free calm night in my home to make my plans with my partner or my friends.
And I think asking my roommates if they only play dnd at our house 3 Saturdays per month is more than reasonable. Or, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I used to play in a campaign and we ended up having to switch locations every other week to accommodate other people (who weren’t playing) in the house.
Your suggestion of only 3 nights a month instead of 4 is very very reasonable, I would’ve recommended they do every other week personally. When you live with people, you have to compromise and have conversations about this stuff. It sounds like your brother is just being a jerk about it.
Which sucks.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting reasonable accommodations from your roommates. If your brother owns the place and doesn’t need your rent money, he has more power in this situation, which means he can be a huge tool for it. I’m feeling childish today.
I’d say just make Saturday night an “incredibly loud night” with your partner. Try new hobbies, turn up the volume, and fake it if you have to. He’s being a jerk, you be a jerk, if you can afford to. ” imyourkidnotyourmom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It’s your brother, so I would make it super uncomfortable for THEM. What would make him the most uncomfortable?
Loud romcom movie, etc, in the media room? Britney Spears full blast? Invite all YOUR friends over every Saturday night for a party. Loud noise every morning? Make HIM want to be a better roommate and brother so you will be a good roommate too somehow.
Honestly, I would make it so he only gets DND every other Sat at your house and once a weeknight. There are other players with other places too. He doesn’t get to be the only say. UNLESS it is his house. Then suck it up, buttercup.” Trick_Delivery4609
9. AITJ For Not Knowing Malayalam And Speaking English With An Accent?
“I (19F) am from India, which if you don’t know is a country with 28 official languages. I am from Tamil Nadu, and both my parents’s heritage is from Kerala. They speak Tamil in Tamil Nadu and Malayalam in Kerala. Both sets of my grandparents are from Kerala and speak fluent Malayalam.
Both my parents were born in Tamil Nadu, but since their parents speak Malayalam, they acquired both Tamil and Malayalam from their childhood.
I, on the other hand, was born in Chennai (the capital of Tamil Nadu) and grew up speaking Tamil as the only native tongue I knew.
I never got a chance to acquire Malayalam as a kid because my parents never spoke it to me as a kid and I didn’t live in a Malayalam-speaking state. Plus, I am pursuing a degree in literature and have always been fond of English as a language which has led to several people I’ve met saying I speak English with an accent that Indians usually don’t.
It’s usually never bothered me. It’s never been directed as an insult before until today.
Some of my father’s side of the family came to visit from Kerala and they were all talking to him in Malayalam. I didn’t understand it so I kept to myself.
When they talked to me I would respond in English, since it’s a language we both know. After a while, I had to take a call from a friend so I left the room. When I was about to come back, I overheard our guests bad-mouthing me to my father behind my back.
Mind you these are people who have known me since I was a baby. (My dad translated it for me after they left)
They were telling my father how overly posh I sounded and how disappointing it was that I didn’t know a word of Malayalam despite having Malayali parents.
My dad tried to amend it by saying that I never showed any interest in learning it (which is true, but I also never got the chance to) and then they said “Well, it’s not like her Tamil is any better. Why does she talk in that atrocious accent even when she’s speaking in Tamil?
You should have never sent her to a private convent to study. Now she’s got all these ideas in her head about English and how the colonizer’s language is superior. What was wrong with a good old public school where she could have learned to speak at least one language correctly?”
All of this was hurtful, but what hurt even more was that my dad never tried to stand up for me even once. When I asked him about this and he told me, I got angry and told him that they had no right to gossip about me like that.
And then my dad says, “Well they weren’t lying. If you had learned Malayalam as a kid you wouldn’t be in this position.” He didn’t even try to understand how humiliated and hurt I felt from the way they spoke about me like I worshipped English people because I didn’t speak a language.
AITJ or should I have shown some interest in learning when I was a kid and it was easier to learn?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – The possibility of being bilingual from birth is great, as it not only gives you two languages effortlessly but also makes it easier for you to learn more in the future.
It was your parents’ duty and responsibility to talk in Malayalam to you so you would acquire both Malayalam and Tamil as native languages as a child. Most people I know in your situation have been brought up this way, and they ended up with two perfect languages + the ones they chose to pursue.
Your father should have stood up for you – but that probably would have meant admitting he never talked to you in Malayalam, which would have put him in an awkward situation with his own family. So I can understand his plight, even if I think he didn’t do the right thing.
Now it’s up to you to decide whether you want to learn at least some Malayalam and explore that part of your culture. It seems your English is good enough, so you should have time for a new language. And don’t worry about the accent.
Everyone has an accent. The moment you get out of your small region, most people will be happy to point it out. I live in the center of the capital of my country, and people will say I have an accent if I go 300 kilometers north.” LadyEnilla
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t control not having learned the language from your parents. My family ensured I learned Gujarati, their native tongue, even though I was born and live in Canada. I don’t have an Indian accent at all, but I learned the language from my parents and grandparents anyway.
All of my cousins and my brother learned the language the same way. You don’t learn languages magically from anywhere – they should have actively taught you when you were a child. Absolutely NTJ.” arroyos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father is a jerk for not using the language or teaching it to you.
He is double the jerk for not standing up for you and allowing relatives to trash-talk you. He is triple the jerk for then translating that conversation to you. It served no purpose to relay that conversation to you. You already speak two languages. Good for you!
Go forth and live your best life. Don’t worry about any negative people who put you down.” Organic-Meeting734
8. AITJ For Being Upset Over My Parents' Unequal Financial Support Between My Brother And Me?
“Our whole adult lives my parents have spent boatloads on my brother & almost none on me. This started from when we got our first cars – a $500 car for me & a 10k one for him.
Then uni accommodations – cheap shared room far from uni for me, an apartment near uni for him.
He wanted to be a lawyer, but couldn’t hold a job. Without stable employment, he got a loan on a 30k car & my parents made the majority of the payments on it due to him being unemployed. I had NO car for a year.
Whilst my brother was unemployed (years) my parents paid all his living expenses. They also paid for his barrister course – he promised to pay them back but never did – & $450 a week to rent chambers to try to make that work. Tbh I never felt bad during this time because I figured my brother was struggling & depressed & needed help.
Eventually, he got a job that wasn’t law & spent all his money on fun things – stand-up paddle board, surfboard, multiple guitars, big TV, etc. I owned pretty much nothing “fun” & put all my spare money into shares, hoping to be able to save enough to buy a house.
My parents often still paid for things like car rego for him.
I asked my parents if they would go guarantor on a home loan for me & they said they couldn’t because my brother was financially irresponsible & if they did it for me they’d have to do it for him. In 2021 they tried to go guarantor on a unit for him.
In 2018 I met an amazing partner, who is a doctor, and treats me like a queen. In 2023 she took a year off her training to locum around Australia (aka earn big bucks in a short time) & we spent that money traveling. Also in 2023, my parents gave my brother their 1.4 mil investment property to live in for $375 a week.
A more than 50% discount.
The turning point for me in being like “he needs more help than me, that’s ok” is when my dad told me he had given my brother 15k to spend on shares. This was during a difficult time when shares plummeted, so was more like 30k.
Needless to say, I got nothing. I was very hurt and emailed my dad asking if he could treat my brother and me equally from now on to avoid future hurt. His response to that was an email informing me of them giving my brother their investment property to live in.
I brought up how hurt I am about all of this again, & my parents said they have allocated money on a needs basis. I replied that my brother has an expensive camera, VR headset, PlayStation, etc & I have almost no assets apart from an old car & things for work, & my mum replied “It’s how you choose to spend your money isn’t it?
You had some lovely holidays (referring to our travels last year), & your brother buys things.”
AITJ for being upset and wanting my parents to admit they haven’t treated us fairly? I feel like my relationships with my parents & brother have disintegrated so much over this, & that they have treated me differently (coldly) since I stood up for myself.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You already expressed how you feel regarding the unequal treatment, but it’s unlikely they want to understand the consequences of heavily favoring one child over the other. They won’t change until it benefits them. Be aware, that they may try to depend on you as they grow older because you are the responsible kid.
Whether you choose to help them and how much is entirely up to you. Start considering what boundaries would be fair for you.” ur_mom_cant_get_enuf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Your parents are jerks but they probably won’t realize it any time soon.
“The turning point for me in being like “he needs more help than me, that’s ok” is when my dad told me he had given my brother 15k to spend on shares.” That was the turning point?! You’ve wasted too much time! Why do you keep in contact?” WhyCommentQueasy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Is there someone in your family that your parents would listen to? Like a grandparent? Or even a public social media post? It may be done to make an itemized list of money spent with a total at the bottom of the inequality.
Then take it to a family member or public, or even just a group email with your folks and brother. If you’re still getting this response, then it’s probably time to cut contact. After all, you don’t want them chasing you down for money when they’re older or your brother after they’ve passed.” Alternative-Job-288
7. AITJ For Getting Angry At My Stepdad For Throwing Away My Mail And Insulting Me?
“I (25f) have been living with my parents for almost 2 years now after a long-term partnership (9 years) didn’t work out. Not the intention of somebody in their mid-20s to move back in with their parents, but I was only working part-time then and I was about $2-3 grand in debt from school and bills that had racked up.
Within the 2 years, I have been working nonstop to pay off this debt and get myself back on track in a good financial place. Next step-working on my credit. Well, a few weeks ago I finally got approved for a credit card, as long as I have a deposit to put down the problem.
I saved up, paid the money and they said the card would arrive in a few weeks.
About 3 weeks go by and I haven’t seen anything in the mail, and my parents hadn’t mentioned anything to me either. So casually at dinner, I bring up that I have an important piece of mail that I’ve been waiting on and asked my family if they could please keep an eye out.
My stepdad looks me dead in my face and tells me that he threw it out. I’m sorry what? What do you mean you threw it out? I instantly get mad and have to ask the question of why are you going through my mail and why are you throwing it out?
His only response over and over is “I thought it was junk mail” or “maybe I didn’t”
My mom even stands up for me at this point asking him since when do you throw out other people’s mail?
I told him that the piece of mail that he threw out was a credit card that I had put actual money down on and that if he threw it away I would be expecting him to pay for it.
This is where things take a turn, and he laughs in my face and tells me that he “isn’t paying me anything because I’m just a freeloader in his house anyways”
We both end up getting pretty heated and saying some pretty nasty things to each other.
But he crossed the line with me when he started talking bad about my own dad-reminding me that he’s an addict who has never done anything for me anyway and then started talking bad about my mom’s dad who just recently passed away.
He starts calling me fake saying “I’m willing to get in his face over a few hundred dollars and that he sees how much I’m worth”
But it’s not even about the money, it’s the fact I have been working hard for this.
He even started saying that he doesn’t care for me or my siblings because we’re not his kids anyways-meanwhile this man has been in my life since I was 10 years old. After all the hurtful stuff that was said to me, I do not feel comfortable staying with my parents anymore.
My mom says that it’s not a big deal, that it’s a card and can be replaced, and that I should apologize. But I don’t think she understands why I am so upset in the first place. And I also don’t think I can forgive someone who said some pretty hurtful things.
AITJ? Should I apologize and let it go?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – And I mean if he wants to bring up people’s parenting so much… How about the fact he chose to marry a woman who had a child? And now all of a sudden says you’re not his kid?
When he’s been in your life and married to your mother for 15 years? He sounds like a *checks note* deadbeat father to me.” singyoulikeasong
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If it’s not such a big deal to your mom, then she shouldn’t have a problem replacing it for you.
Throwing out other people’s mail is not ok. If anything looks like junk mail but could be actual mail, needs to be asked about to the person who is on the envelope, not just instantly thrown out. You need to get out of that house.
Your stepdad and mom don’t respect you and aren’t trying to right the wrong. Try to find a roommate or maybe see if you can crash with a friend for a bit til you can find a place. Then I would go low contact, probably even no contact since they don’t respect you.” Confident_Set4216
Another User Comments:
“Not sure if YTJ or not – or if both of you are. You moved back in with your parents at age 23 after a 9-year partnership….so you started that partnership at age 14? If you put a ‘deposit’ down – it means it is a guaranteed credit card – and you can call and get the mailed one canceled and a new one issued to replace it.
Call the cc issuing company and ask when it was mailed and you will know if you need to replace it or not. The money is not ‘gone’. Have you been living for FREE with your parents for 2 years? The escalation of the argument does not make much sense so I think there’s more to the story.
Why would you ask other family members to ‘watch’ for YOUR mail to begin with.” omeomi24
6. AITJ For Ending Our D&D Campaign Due To Friends' Lack Of Communication?
“So I (30M) my partner (34M), and two of my friends (M & F in their 30s) have played Dungeons and Dragons on and off again for several years now.
We all enjoy playing, it’s a great time to hang out with everyone. We’re close friends, I’ve known them both since college, and my partner and I were groomsmen at their wedding.
What’s getting me upset is that our friends, Andy and Rita, refuse to communicate their schedule to us in anything even resembling a timely manner.
I am the DM for our group, so it’s usually me that organizes everything. So I ask in advance for dates people might be able to play. To give you an idea of how long this has been a problem, about 4 years ago I started noticing that they’d have a lot of last-minute cancelations – times that they changed plans way before the scheduled date, then just forgot to tell us until the day of.
So I started checking about a day before we had a game scheduled whether they could. This seemed to work, but honestly they still just… don’t answer texts. Like they might not respond for days, and I have to ask multiple times. Now the problem has gotten even worse.
Last night we had a tentative plan to play a game of D&D. Rita had a Doctor’s appointment related to her pregnancy, so depending on how that went, they could play. The day of, I asked Rita if she could update me when she learns whether they’ll be coming over.
She says sure, she will, she has an appointment later this afternoon. Around 6 pm I didn’t hear back so I texted and asked how it went. She says good, babies (twins) are fine and everything’s good. I replied “That’s great!” and kind of hoped she’d mention whether they would be coming.
She never did, but it became clear when she said nothing more and they simply never showed up.
And to clarify I’m not saying I want them to play more or open their schedule up. I’m not obsessed with D&D. Well no, that’s a lie and I am.
But not so obsessed that I think our game nights should come before anything and everything else in their lives. Honestly, I’m not even trying to go up in their priorities. Life’s busy even without a pregnancy and this is just a game. But I’m just extremely frustrated that they don’t seem to think we deserve to know whether they are ever going to show up until the last second.
If this were any other kind of event, like a dinner we were hosting, this behavior would be unacceptable.
So now I don’t want to play D&D with them anymore. And I’m planning to talk to them and say basically “I understand life gets messy and there’s a lot of stress these days.
But the lack of communication you’re providing is downright insulting at this point. So our campaign is over. I am not going to keep putting the effort into running a D&D game for you guys when you won’t even tell us whether we’ll play without me dragging answers out of you.
We can maybe do regular board game nights if your schedules permit, but I will not be playing a TTRPG with you guys again.”
WIBTJ for saying this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ this is just rude and inconsiderate of the effort you put in. I’m pretty sure my current campaign is about to get canceled as well the guy running it has been doing the same thing about not responding and canceling last minute.
I’m really sad because we are right on the ascent to the big battle. But there’s no helping it. If you don’t have a core group that shows up and communicates regularly or if the flaky person doesn’t want to admit they are flaky so that you can make them a pop-up character or a floater, there’s not much you can do but cancel or resign yourself to constant delay.
I’d reword your message though. “Hey everyone, I wanted to reach out and say that I am ready to retire this campaign. I am always happy to put in the work on planning if it means all of us having a good time, but in the past year or so, we’ve just not been able to meet or communicate availability in time for me to avoid spending hours of my time to prep only to not play.
If we get to a point later on when everyone is available and able to commit to a more regular schedule, I’d be willing to revisit, but for now, I’m going to withdraw. I hope we can still arrange board game nights or less prep-intensive games when folks are free!” SnooPets8873
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Longtime player, and the wife of the DM for our group. I’m in charge of scheduling and we’ve unfortunately had to kick out a few people from our long-running campaign because they couldn’t commit the time needed and agreed upon. It happens.
Some of them took it personally and it’s affected our friendship but most times it’s gone okay. It’s not your fault people are flaky. What some people don’t understand is that the investment for the DM/host is way more than the players. We play every Sunday from 6-10, but by noon my husband is working on writing the session and I’m deep cleaning our apartment and preparing to host a group with snacks and stuff.
When someone cancels last minute not only does it affect all of us who cleared our schedule to be there, but it also means my husband and I have wasted 3-4 hours of a day for something not happening. It’s frustrating!” Skateurgency
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your course of action is very mature which is unlikely to be taken well by people so self-absorbed. More than likely they will not self-reflect, assume you’re doing this because of the baby/pregnancy, and try to bad mouth/break up the group.
You tried communicating the issue for years. I would just stop inviting them to DnD and either continue with the rest of the group or invite a couple of other friends to fill it out. Start a new campaign or stay with the current one and write them off, if they happen to show up to a game night someday you can write them into that specific game but don’t make them important to any multi-game story arcs.
They are now characters for filler arcs.” RugTumpington
5. AITJ For Being Upset With My Mom Over The Car Purchase She Made Without My Input?
“I (23M) decided to take a bank loan to buy a car. It was a big step for me, and I was both nervous and excited about the decision. I asked my mom for help because she’s more knowledgeable about these matters.
However, she’s quite particular—if she’s not reminded to do something, she won’t do it, and if you remind her too often, she feels pressured.
She advised me not to buy the first car I saw or to make a purchase out of desperation. She also warned against buying a car that was just ‘okay.’ I was adamant about using only my money because I wanted the car to be solely mine and to avoid any potential arguments with her over financial contributions.
Despite this, my mom took out a loan to help me get a ‘nicer’ car, even though I had used part of my loan for other expenses. I reluctantly agreed to her help under the condition that it wouldn’t lead to any arguments. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happened after we got the car.
She also insisted on looking for trucks, claiming I would look ‘dumb’ getting out of a small car due to my height—I’m 6 feet tall. I didn’t agree with her reasoning and continued to send her recommendations for small cars.
To my surprise, she bought a car without my input—the only one she had contacted—and based on her friend’s opinion that ‘the motor looked nice.’ This broke both rules she had set.
When she picked me up from work with the car, I immediately noticed several issues: a cracked front window, only two functioning windows, a missing door handle, weak lights, and faulty wipers. Later, we discovered the car leaked and had overheating problems.
The repairs were costly, and my mom had to take out a second loan.
This led to a fight because it was the exact situation I wanted to avoid. The car has continued to deteriorate and become more expensive to maintain. Now, my mom complains about the car’s condition and claims it’s practically hers because she’s investing in the repairs, even though the car is registered in my name.
Every time my mom mentions any issues with the car I tell her to please cut it short because I’m not comfortable with hearing anything else the car needs to get fixed (the fact I’m going through a heavy depressive episode is not helping either), but I feel one day if she keeps up with this I’ll blow up and tell her that is all her fault and that she cost me a nice car I could take care of myself, and that it seems like all she did was scam me out of my money, convince me to take a loan, all for her to mess up big time for something is now not even mine because all she’ll do is gaslight me into just surrendering the car to her.
I understand she’s the one who in the end has been investing the most into the car so she’d be right to say that, but I’m not kidding… I feel scammed out of it and I’m tired of not even feeling ownership of something I so desperately wanted.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Now you know you MUST put your foot down when your mom inserts herself. I don’t care how uncomfortable she makes things. Do what you originally planned going forward. Consider this a learning experience. Since your name is on the car, can you sell it?
With the repairs made, you might get almost what you paid for it. Once sold, you can take out your own loan.” golden fingernails
Another User Comments:
“You asked your mom for help but it seems she’s done everything to prove she has no business helping you.
Going forward, what could she help you with that you couldn’t just Google a more reliable answer for? I get being young but it may be time to cut your losses and try to find something more reliable your way. She can co-sign for a loan, or she can shut up.
You never mentioned if you live with her. If you do I’d also advise trying to move out ASAP, or otherwise trying to minimize contact in the same home Lastly: what’s with the weird obsession Americans have with trucks?! (Coming as someone who lives in Texas and grew up working with trucks on farms).
Is self-esteem that low? I’m over 6ft tall and I’ve driven a Mazda 6 for the last 7 years, 60k miles. Guess what: I haven’t had to replace a thing other than tires oil and filters, I get great gas mileage, I can squeeze into some pretty tight urban areas, and I don’t care what anyone thinks when I climb out of it.
Did she buy a truck? You should get whatever car you want” User.
4. AITJ For Ending A Genealogy Project Early Due To Lack Of Information From The Client?
“I do genealogy projects on the side. I just got a research degree. I’ve always done good work.
Recently I came in contact with Rachel (fake name). She was excited about genealogy. She hired me to find her “Indian” grandmother from the 1700s. I told her upfront that it was going to be hard/impossible.
Colonial American research is difficult, especially for women. She signed a contract with me to do a certain number of hours and gave me her family tree to look at the sources. She also put me in contact with her cousin who had more information.
She also gave access to her tree and sent some things in an email.
I go about my research, and it can take a while to find anything substantial.
Eventually, I found something that looked good. I told her about it, and then she told her cousin.
Then she comes back with “Oh, that’s not right because of x, y, z.” Frustrating, but okay. Then I find some more stuff. Same process. She comes back after talking to her cousin. “Oh, we already knew that. It’s easy to mix the people up because so many have the same name.” Then I asked if I could get a list of the people that I shouldn’t pursue.
I was then told that would take too much time. Whelp, I guess I’m going to end up researching them. I keep going and the same thing keeps happening. Finally, I’m almost done with the allotted hours. She’s feeling frustrated because I haven’t given her anything new.
I’m feeling frustrated because I keep thinking I find stuff only to be told it was already known, just not shared with me. Just as I was about to start writing the report she told me about a crucial piece of information that would have completely changed how I went about researching.
I was done. I told her I couldn’t continue the project. I wasn’t going to make her pay me the remaining balance. (I have people pay 10% upfront, but she paid 1/2 of her own accord). I wasn’t going to write the report because there wasn’t much to write, and I would give her access to all of the records that I had found through a Google Drive folder for 6 months.
She then said that I never asked for the information. This is completely untrue. I asked for what she had to start the research. I don’t know what people have already, so they are the ones in charge of providing that.
Then her cousin messaged and said I should be ashamed because her husband was dying, so she couldn’t put effort into it.
News to me! I don’t know clients’ personal lives.
I sent them replies along the lines of “I’m sorry. I don’t think it’s fair to you or me to continue. I don’t want to waste time or your money. If I was a bad person and just trying to con you I would just write the report and make you pay the rest. I do hope you find your family, but I can’t continue under these conditions.
I know my worth as a researcher, and any professional would tell you the same.”
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I think it sounds like you went through a frustrating process and your clients weren’t being forthcoming about the information they had. I assume that this new information also really set you back and potentially you wouldn’t have been able to finish because you were almost done with the allotted hours.
Your clients weren’t being respectful of the energy you were putting in and after the first or second time, you came back with the information they already knew about they should have compiled the rest of it to let you finish working. It is a waste of both of your time for you to spend hours researching for them to say they already had that information and just decided not to share it.
I get they have their own lives but so do you.” ManyYou918
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Client’s behavior you describe is frustrating. It’s like someone paying you for a home decorating project, and when you use part of that time for a bedroom design, they say, “Oh, sorry, the bedroom is already decorated.” Yes, you agreed to do a certain number of hours, but she made it impossible to do it at an appropriate professional level.
If you just finish and give her a report without complaints, she will be disappointed and will probably think it’s your fault.” Garamon7
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely Ntj. You can only work with the information you were given. You did the work several times only to be told it was already known information.
After several times you asked for a list of those you shouldn’t research and we’re told no. Then crucial information gets added at the last Minute. You did everything you conceivably could to make this easy and complete the task within the timeframe. They made it difficult.
They might have had their reasons but that’s not your fault. And despite the hassle and frustration. You had the decency to still not charge them the full amount for the work you did because you felt it was unfair. A jerk would have charged them the full amount and told them that unfortunately, the time was up and continued research based on this new information would have to be treated as a new contract.” Jamestodd106
3. AITJ For Not Wanting My Teenage Sister To Visit After My Baby Is Born?
“I (28F) have a 1/2 sister (15F). Because of the age gap we aren’t as close as other people may be with their siblings. Don’t get me wrong we love each other a lot but I moved out when she was 6 and I was 19, and I moved across the country, so we don’t have Sunday dinners or anything.
The way we were raised was also completely different – I was raised by a single mom on welfare who worked two jobs to afford our two-bedroom walkup and struggled for years with untreated bipolar, of which I bore the brunt. When my sister came along my mom had a great job and a big house, was making almost 6 figures and had improved her mental health.
To be clear I am NOT resentful of my sister, I’m happy she has opportunities that I didn’t. Besides she has had struggles that I never had due to her irresponsible father abandoning her and my mom when she was 12. And also my mother’s new lifestyle benefits me in many ways as well.
Anyways I am currently 5 months pregnant and a few weeks ago my mom and sister came to visit. During this time my mom invested a few grand into my household – a combination of first grandbaby excitement and, as she put it, making up for the fact that she never had to pay for me to go to college.
She filled up our fridge, bought a vacuum cleaner and baby things, did our front yard, fixed some stuff… practical things that will help us in the long run. The entire time, my sister was complaining about the amount of money my mom was spending and how they were going to “go broke” etc.
I found my sister’s commentary to be super disrespectful because my mom is very financially smart and would never spend money she didn’t have. I basically told her to mind her business, our mom is an adult and can spend money on whatever she wants.
I also reminded her of the thousands of dollars my mom spends monthly on my sister’s archery lessons, tutoring, hair braiding, clothes shopping, cosplays, etc. and that my sister sure wasn’t complaining while filling up the cart while we were shopping. I also heavily implied that she was acting like a spoiled brat.
After that my sister didn’t really talk to me for the rest of the trip.
Anyways now my mom and dad are planning to visit after my son is born and my mom was complaining that my sister doesn’t want to come. I told her that was fine, I didn’t need a mopey teenager to deal with while I was handling a newborn and if my sister wants to miss the best years of her nephew’s life then she’ll deal with the regret later (or not).
My mom said I was the jerk because I didn’t want my sister to bond with my son but it’s literally not about that. I think it’s wrong to force her to do something she doesn’t want to do, and also I don’t feel like dealing with her attitude.
Also she’s told me often that she hates kids so what’s the point, you know?
My mom won’t get off my back about it though, saying I’m pushing my sister away. So AITJ for what I said?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I will never get why people are mad when you don’t care about somebody’s attitude towards you… Your sister doesn’t wanna come and you were pushing her away because you don’t want her to bond with your son?
The reality I’m guessing you don’t care if she does or doesn’t. “Mom I would be happy if sister wanted to bond and have a relationship with my son but I won’t force and I’m not going to fight for it.
If she WANTS it, the opportunity is there. If she doesn’t (even if it’s just right now), the opportunity will always be there” I’m not going to beg anybody to have a relationship with me….” SuperWomanUSA
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I can see why your sister wouldn’t want to visit after you “checked” her complaints last time. But you are right, she is 15 and should be able to decide for herself if she wants to visit. Sounds like she might get jealous of the attention to the baby anyway.
But I don’t think you’re right about the “best years” of her nephew’s life. She’s far more likely to make a bond with your child once your child is old enough to really interact with her. Just keep the lines of communication open there and your sister will meet your son in her own time.” ParsimoniousSalad
2. AITJ For Wanting To Cut Contact With My Partner's Insensitive Sister?
“Me (26F) and my partner of 9 years (27M) are struggling with the contact with his sister.
My partner and his sister (31F) were already low on contact. Since she moved out of their parents’ house in 2017 she never looked back.
Only for birthdays or holidays, she show up. She only contacts her parents when she needs them.
In 2022 she got married and we helped them a lot with preparations and during the wedding. During preparations, we disagreed with her husband’s family, but during the wedding, we all acted normal towards each other.
We tried to clear the air but they didn’t want to. After this, there was tension between all of us that only got worse over time.
When my mom got her cancer diagnosis in 2022, the first time I saw her was on her husband’s birthday.
I told her that I would tell her the results of the hospital another time. I didn’t think that that was the best time to talk about it (because I wasn’t comfortable talking about it at a crowded birthday party). She took it badly and hasn’t forgiven me for that since then.
She told me she gave me my chance to talk about it but if I didn’t want to, she didn’t care and didn’t want to know at all. She never asked about it again. I was hurt, but still, I kept sending her updates about my mom because I thought that that was the right thing to do.
When my mom was sick and after she died, I never got any messages about how I was doing, nor did my partner. They never messaged or called. When they heard through my partner’s mother that I started working again after the loss, she sent me a message about how it was being back at work.
I was so confused and mad about this that I never answered. I couldn’t understand why she never cared before and now she wanted to know how things were at work.
After this, things got worse. When we saw each other at birthdays or during Christmas, they wouldn’t even say hi to us.
When she got pregnant, she called us and we were happy for them, went to the gender reveal party, etc. When our niece was born we went to visit and they acted normal, but after that, it was the same as before. When our niece was baptized, my partner was asked to be godfather.
During the baptism party, we were ignored by them again (my partner’s parents were too).
In April, my partner and I bought our first house together. He told his sister but she couldn’t be bothered at all. She just ignored him. This hurts, because we were there for all their ‘big moments’ and every time something happens in our life, they can’t even seem to bother.
We decided that we’re done with this and that we don’t want them in our lives anymore. My partner tried to talk about all this, but his sister didn’t believe that she was doing anything wrong and couldn’t understand why we were hurt, so talking probably won’t help.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk, but since you’re asking for public opinion I’ll just give mine and say I think you shouldn’t go NC. I say that not because I think it isn’t hard to try to continue to have a relationship with her, I’m sure it is.
But I have the feeling people don’t understand how drastic NC is. I say this as someone who’s done it myself. The thing is, in the off chance scenario something ever did happen to your SIL it would be devastating that you went to NC.
These are years you won’t be able to get back. Not with her or her kids. So I would say keep her at an arms-length distance and try your best not to let her hurt you or your family. But try your best to stay in her life, because you don’t get to take that decision back.” thecowboydude
Another User Comments:
“Personally just don’t try, I have distant family members who act like this and I just don’t bother them. We meet up for family holidays hang out have a drink maybe but that’s it, it’s kinda comforting having people who just don’t care.
I don’t have to text them for their birthday….they don’t care. I don’t have to say Merry Christmas or Happy New Year want to know why…..they don’t care. But when we get together it’s like nothing changed it was all the same as 5 years ago when we last talked. Family dynamics are kinda weird but I just learn to accept people for who they are and if that’s their vibe then I’m just gonna learn to roll with it.” RuinBeginning776
1. AITJ For Taking A Vacation Without My Husband And Kids After 14 Years?
“I booked a trip for my mom, sister and I to go to Disneyland from the 10th through the 14th.
I am excited to go. The problem is my husband is very mad about it. We all went to Disneyland in August with his family. 2 of our kids first time. My husband (42) and I (38) have been together for 14 years married for 13 on the 4th of next month.
We have 3 kids (12, 9, and 6) all of which have special needs (ADHD, autism, allergies, and asthma). Until recently I have been a stay-at-home mom for 12 of the last 14 years. I started a job a couple of months ago. I have been the one who primarily took care of everything for my kids.
He mostly just works.
He does not make or take any of our kids to any of their many appointments. I can only work until they get out of school. My life for the last 13 years has been almost completely about my kids and my husband.
I lost many friends just due to having kids. I have never in the 14 years since we have been together taken a vacation without my husband and only have 1 short trip in 2021 with just me and my husband.
I need a vacation from my kids and I wanted it to be with my husband but he refuses to take a vacation with me without the kids.
He said he will miss the kids too much if we go. My mother offered to take me on vacation and mostly paid for the whole thing. She has been asking me to go on a vacation with her just us for like 10 years. Every single other time I said no I couldn’t because my kids were too young or other reasons like, well it making my husband mad.
So this time I decided to say yes. Her health is not great and I’m worried she may not make it a ton longer if she does not take it more seriously. My father is also in hospice and is dying but she is given 5 days of care that she gets a break.
We decided to fit the trip in before her deadline to use it and before my sister gets surgery on her foot and leg at the end of the month.
I am taking care of everything I can before I go including finding childcare while he is at work.
He is not. I still have to do everything. He is mad now that I’m going and has told me that he is going to just disappear for a few days because that’s what he considers I’m doing. He is also bringing our kids into it and making them say things to me about going.
I am fine with him also going on a vacation but I’m not planning it for him and he won’t on his own. I think that he thinks I don’t deserve a vacation. He thinks he does because he works so hard but won’t plan one so if he is not going I don’t deserve to go.
So am I in the wrong? Am I the jerk for going on vacation without my kids and family for the first time in 14 years?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like he’s a very controlling person. You don’t need his permission to go on a short trip, especially when you’ve arranged all of the childcare stuff before you leave.
Also, aren’t those his kids as well? Why can’t he take care of them for a few days? Just because he works doesn’t mean he gets to slack off on taking care of the kids. Also, trying to brainwash the kids into resenting you is kind of a mean move.” MichaelAllen05
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What he doesn’t seem to understand is that you don’t get to clock out from your job. Being a mom is 24/7, and it’s darn stressful!!! More stressful than any other job I’ve ever had, and I’m an Army veteran, a former nurse, a small business owner, and a mom.
You have to worry about shaping your children into decent people and make sure you keep them alive, healthy, happy, and thriving!!! You deserve a darn vacation!!!!” differentkindofmom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ it sounds like you married a very controlling man and have had high-needs kids that couldn’t fare well without you, you are/were a good wife and mother (great even, I have 2.5 kids and I get two days a week off with the help of my MIL and my husband shares equal responsibility when he’s home.) Everyone needs a break.
Caregiver burnout is real and your mom deserves some time with HER children. Take your vacation and honestly remember what my therapist once told me, “if the only consequence of upsetting someone by standing up for yourself is that they’re angry, then the punishment you end up with is the one you give yourself to appease them.” Good luck!” thr0wwwwawayyy
