People Feel Worried In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Refusing To Share A Dessert With My Sister Due To My Weight Loss Goals?
“My sister and I were shopping and we walked by the DQ and she said she wanted a blizzard and asked if I wanted to share. I said I didn’t and she asked why because we almost always share desserts. I went from 223 lb to 145lb and am 5lb from my goal weight so I told her I have 5 lb to lose and I want to be at my goal weight by August (aka big vacation to the Caribbean where I can wear a bikini).
She got upset and said I was already skinny and I’m going to get an eating disorder if I don’t eat with her.
I ate with everyone else at the BBQ yesterday I just don’t want the dessert and said I’m good and she got angry and told me I wasn’t fun to hang out with anymore and went to order a blizzard.
She ordered a large which she couldn’t finish and then tried to push it on me and when I said no she showed me the receipt saying it was $7 and I was wasting food and when I told her to throw it in the trash she started accusing me of wasting food rather than eating it.
She hadn’t been supportive of my weight loss but this is extreme.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is pretty typical behavior, unfortunately. Kudos to you for your impressive journey to healthy living. I’m sure you must feel 100% better as you go about your life every day.
However, now you have a new “problem”: The people who you shared your food choices in the past are now frustrated that you aren’t joining in with them anymore. This happens quite often when heavy drinkers or heavy drinkers decide it’s time to cut back on their consumption.
They discover that they need to find a new group of friends because the old group doesn’t want them around as a physical reminder of what they know they should be doing. Congratulations to you! With your determination, I am confident you will meet your goal.” Illustrious-Tour-247
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is controlling and trying to sabotage your weight loss. Next time she tries to force food on you that you don’t want tell her it’s just as wasted in your mouth as it is in the trash.
She probably does miss eating with you but hold your ground and take care of your most valuable asset, your health. Maybe eventually she’ll understand.” Justaroundtown
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m gonna go on a limb and say that 145lb is the average weight/BMI size for your height.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being 140 or even 135. If you started to get lower than 120 I think there would be reason for concern, but you’re not gonna give yourself an eating disorder if you’re just being cautious. As long as you’re eating right, and not just refusing to eat, I think you’re fine.
I was 125 back in December of last year. I was having a really hard time eating, and it’s easy at that point to just not eat and start dropping more weight. It’s a very slippery slope, at least in my personal experience. I applaud you for working to get your summer bod!
Have fun and don’t let your sister guilt you. She knew she couldn’t finish a large-size blizzard, bought it anyway, and tried to pass it off to you. She should have just gotten a small ice cream. That’s not on you, you’re not her food compactor.” Altruistic-Tap-4401
20. AITJ For Being Annoyed My Partner Forgot To Order Batteries?
“The other day, my partner was getting our Instacart order in. I was putting our new fingerprint door lock on when I realized that we were out of AA batteries. I asked her to add them to the order. She didn’t respond, but I just assumed that she heard me because we were, like, 4 feet away from each other.
When the order was delivered, there were no batteries. I asked her where they were and she looked at me, confused. I admit I got annoyed and said that I had asked her to order them, and she said, “that comment was for me? You said, ‘now all I need are AAs.’ How was I supposed to know that that meant you needed me to get batteries?
I thought you meant you needed to get some from the closet. You need to be more specific.”
I guess that is how I phrased it, but I think she should have asked to clarify when I made the comment. Now she’s annoyed that I got annoyed about “something so small”.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ you didn’t ask her to order them. You didn’t communicate that you didn’t have any on hand. You didn’t say anything to allude to the fact that you were expecting her to order them. You made a comment which, were I on the receiving end of, I would logically take to mean that you forgot to take them with you when installing and needed to go get them from storage.
She isn’t in your head. It isn’t her responsibility to question every comment you make because you might be passively trying to say something completely unrelated to the topic at hand. And, in fact, I’ll wager that if she were to begin questioning what you mean on a regular basis, you’d call it an interrogation, or nagging, or some other derogatory thing because she can’t read your mind.
This is setting someone up for a future failure that they didn’t actually make, so you have something to hold over them. It’s petty. Childish. And you need to learn to use your words like a grown-up. Want batteries? Ask her to order them. “We are out of AA batteries and I need them for the doorbell.
Please add them to our grocery order. We need (x number) of batteries. Thanks!” It isn’t difficult. You owe her an apology, and to modify your behavior. She can’t read your mind. Use. Your. Words.” CatteHerder
Another User Comments:
“If you literally phrased it “all I need are AAs” and expected her to translate that to “please add AAs to our Instacart order” then absolute YTJ because those phrases do not mean the same thing lol.
Even if you asked her straight up to add them though there really isn’t a reason to get upset. People forget things. I wouldn’t say you’re a jerk for getting annoyed if you did ask for them directly, but in my experience, it’s just not worth it to get worked up over minor things.
Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s a part of a healthy relationship to just laugh off minor mistakes like that.” Trippy_Void
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You didn’t ask her. You made a vague comment not directed at her. Then you get upset because she couldn’t read your mind.
You need to work on your communication skills. The closed-loop communication method is an excellent method to reduce communication errors and misunderstandings. Relatively easy to use too. Basically, the sender initiates the message, the responder confirms that they received the message, and the sender then confirms that the feedback from the responder was received. For example, you asking for batteries should’ve gone like this, using the closed loop communication method: You: Hey partner (this is done to get her attention), we are out of AA batteries, can you add that to our order?
Partner: I will add AA batteries to the order. You: Thanks. If she didn’t reply to you, it’s your job to follow up with her if she heard you. Communication is making sure that the person you are speaking to heard you, and confirming that the message was effectively relayed. Assuming the other person heard you will lead to what happened with the batteries.” MPKH
19. AITJ For Telling A Kid That Adults Aren't Always Right?
“My brother (33m), his friend (32f), her son (12m), and I (24m) were out eating lunch and walking around DC when, to be honest I have no idea how this conversation started, but she said something to her son along the lines of “Always trust adults.
They’re always right.”
Well, I giggled, looked at him, and said, “That’s not true at all. They’re wrong A LOT. They’re people.” She gave me that mom stink eye they do when they don’t agree with what you said, turned to him then said “Don’t listen to him.
Always do what adults tell you to.” I giggled and then repeated myself to him.
A few hours later my brother walks into my room and tells me how much she didn’t like that, and even though he agreed, he said I should’ve kept it to myself.
I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful, truly. I was trying to let the kid know that adults aren’t really adults sometimes.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Telling a kid to always trust an adult and that they are always right, is a stupid thing to do.
I have 2 nieces aged 6 and 7, and they know that not all adults tell the truth. As a family we’ve made a point of telling them, that if they feel uncomfortable, they don’t like what someone is doing, or they’re told something that upsets them, they can where possible (and safely) walk away, let us know and we’ll try to sort it.
Insisting to a kid they must always do as an adult tells them, leads to kids being hurt, mistreated, etc etc. Honestly, I think you may want to talk to Mum, explain why you said what you said, and suggest to her that she explain to her son, the difference between following doing what an adult says when they are known and trusted (as in Mum says do this) and other adults that may intend harm or do harm unintentionally.
It’s important that kids know that are able to refuse something they’re uncomfortable with.” pandalover001
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I also think you are 100% correct here for more reasons than the fact that adults are people too and quite stupid. These sorts of statements also discourage critical thinking and like some other folks are saying, adults can also have ill intent and should never be implicitly trusted. That said, it’s rude to completely push aside parents’ preferences when raising their own children.
But I think, in this situation it was a bit warranted. I always think of this type of thing when you see a child screaming in public and the treatment their parent is giving them. Parents aren’t the end-all-be-all either… The inclination should be to trust but without question, def no.” hannahhatesthis
Another User Comments:
“Honestly you should have just started saying some relatively benign falsehoods. “D.C. stands for Dinosaur Cat.” You’d be in the same situation you are in now but it would be amusing. If she’s telling a 12-year-old adults are always right this kid may be something sheltered that goofing around probably would have done him more harm than good.” pnutbuttercups56
18. AITJ For Not Giving Up My Dorm Room For My Roommate's Friend?
“I (17M) am graduating and going to university this year.
Due to some circumstances, I was unable to find a good room until about a month from the deadline. A week before the deadline, the guy I’m supposed to be roommates with emailed me saying that I should move because he was saving that room for his friend who went through a personal tragedy.
While I was sympathetic to his friend, I could not leave the room because it was the last one on that side of campus, and even if it wasn’t, it was a week before the deadline.
I politely apologized to him and told him that I couldn’t move.
He constantly messaged me telling me that I was a jerk for not moving and that I should understand his friend’s situation but each time I politely decline. This has been on my mind for a while now so I need to know AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I would be in touch with whoever at the school oversees the dorms because even though you have every right to live there it sounds quite likely that this roommate will continue to hold a grudge and make your first year miserable. Hopefully if the admin understands the situation they can help your roommate move somewhere they can live with their friend.
If not, at least this will be on record so if things don’t improve once you’re on campus you don’t end up forced out of your room somehow.” sinevigiliamentis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Contact the school, RA or whoever is the right person and let them know about the abuse.
Tell them you do not want to change the room you have been assigned but are worried about how your roommate is going to treat you or what may happen to your personal items due to their hatred and nastiness.” RavenBlueEyes84
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If your roommate is insistent on rooming with this other person – HE should be the one making other arrangements. His friend’s situation is not your problem. If roommate to be doesn’t stop harassing you – take snapshots of the messages and forward them to the landlord or the housing department and see if they can manage a room change since he seems intent on being aggressive.” Electronic-Cat-4478
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Babysit My Autistic Cousin At Every Family Gathering?
“My cousin (8) has autism. My entire family adores him. In their eyes, he can do no wrong. They always shower him with love and attention. He gets whatever he wants when he wants it.
He might as well be in charge of this family. Everyone basically bows before him.
At every family gathering, I’m expected to watch over him. He is a handful. He throws tantrums constantly, cries when I don’t do what he wants, and always gets in trouble if he does something wrong.
My family puts way too much pressure on me. I’ve told them multiple times that I’m only a child and he shouldn’t be my responsibility. The adults in my family could easily take care of him, but no. They decided to make him my responsibility instead.
Eventually, I won’t want to take care of him anymore. I’m getting older and I’ll probably have other things to do. So tell me, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re entitled to enjoy your family gatherings also. If someone brings your cousin over to you, explain that you were just going to do something else and walk away.
Every time. “Sorry, I’m just heading over to visit with Grandma.” “I’m talking to Other Cousins, right now.” If you do get stuck watching him, let him play with something messy and eat junk food. Keep an eye on him, but don’t quiet him or clean him.
If he’s messy, noisy, hyped up, and/or having a fir, let his parents deal with it.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… I am a mom to an autistic son and the ONLY person my son stays with is my mom or myself…sometimes my sister as my nephew is also semi-non-verbal (non-spectrum) so they understand each other.
I hope you find the courage to speak up louder for yourself and tell the adults in your life that you don’t feel comfortable looking after him or that they just dump him on you… NTJ kiddo… stand up for yourself and let them know you feel!!!” lauraisabelgonzalez
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you’re still a child yourself as you state, if you’re under, I would say, 16 then it’s too much to ask of you to try and understand and entertain someone with complex needs. On another note, he cannot help his behaviors and they are not tantrums he is overwhelmed by the situation resulting in a meltdown because he cannot cope.
He likes things a certain way because that’s how his brain is wired to think, your family gives him what he wants because sometimes it’s easier than what will occur otherwise, however, there should be boundaries of course!” randomgaldem
16. AITJ For Getting My Dog Neutered Without My Wife's Consent?
“I (38M) have grown up having pets at home since I was a kid. I love pets. Cats, dogs whatever.
My wife (36F) is an only child and never had a pet before, had no idea how much work is involved.
So she comes to me one day and says she wants a dog. She is easily influenced by friends or coworkers and sometimes gets ideas in her head and acts irrationally on them.
I tried explaining how much work is involved and she agrees she will take care of the dog.
She is often in multiple group chats online and joined one about Japanese Akitas after watching the movie Hachi, A Dog’s Tale. I suggested a smaller breed dog as her first pet to make it easier because Akitas are known to have strong personalities and be more for experienced dog owners.
I work construction and have long hours between March to December, then I have a couple of months off. We get the dog in December as a puppy. We take him to dog parks and he socializes well. Then he grows full size with little interaction with other dogs.
When I walk him he constantly pulls towards other dogs and when he gets close if he feels even a little challenged he turns aggressive. To the point when I walk him I let other dog owners know he is not dog friendly, cross the street when seeing another dog, etc. My wife never walks him because he is a large breed dog and she can’t handle if he pulls.
I have taken him to obedience training and he walks great aside from when he sees another dog.
I talk to her about getting him fixed to reduce the testosterones etc. she refused because she wanted to try breeding him. We waited until he was almost 2 years old.
We tried breeding which was a lot of extra work on my part. She basically just met up with the people and I had the female dog dropped in my lap for a week to look after as well as our own dog.
The breeding didn’t go well and the female dog didn’t make it.
We let the other family keep the 2 puppies that made it. I revisit the idea of having ours fixed and she refuses because she wants to breed him again. At this point, I love my dog but I don’t want the extra work involved in breeding, So I had him fixed.
She is upset because I didn’t listen to her. I explained how I have basically been taking care of him by myself because she always has an excuse to not walk him etc. It’s been a couple of months now and she is still upset about it.
I walk him and he doesn’t pull towards other dogs and when we get close he is not aggressive and just smells them. AITJ for fixing him after attempting to breed him like she wanted?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your wife has repeatedly made uninformed, irresponsible decisions that end up becoming your problem.
I’m sure you wish you didn’t have to get him fixed behind her back, but what was the alternative? She gave you all of the responsibility, none of the say. I would feel really frustrated at how she seems willing to listen to all these people except for you.
It all just feels really inconsiderate.” Queen_Latifah69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and thank you for doing the responsible thing and preventing her from trying to breed him again. Unless you are working with an experienced breeder, pet dogs should not be bred, there is an overpopulation issue with dogs worldwide and it annoys me when people who claim to love dogs insist on recklessly making more puppies.
I work at a dog shelter, I see what becomes of dogs bred by owners like your wife and it kills me. And it literally kills my four-legged friends, very recently our shelter had to make the difficult decision to put down one of my favorites largely due to overcrowding in shelters.
Within 2 weeks we had 7 shih-tzus surrendered to us from a backyard breeder trying to start up some sort of puppy mill, and 4 Aussies whose owner was gonna shoot them because he couldn’t sell them. This was the beginning of December. It’s a current ongoing crisis that shelters simply cannot keep up with.
Op do not let your wife continue making poor irresponsible decisions regarding your dog until she gets her act together and actually learns how to be a good responsible pet owner, because honestly she’s one of the most annoying kinds of pet owners who only care about the dog as some toy she can play with when she wants and not a living breathing creature that’s basically like having a child.
I recommend you force her to start walking with you, force her to start caring for the dog, force her to educate herself. I’m an average-sized woman, no muscle but I can walk large difficult dogs because I put the effort into learning how, your wife has no excuse.
Also if you ever get a pet after this Akita, do not let her get a breed that is not suitable for your lifestyle! It’s the number one mistake when getting a dog! Stick to your guns because you seem to actually understand what being a good pet owner entails and are willing to put the work in.
Unless she starts caring for the dog properly, that’s your dog, not hers.” Professional-Scar628
Another User Comments:
“I so badly want to go with ESH. The reason why I say this is because I think you should have laid down some strict ground rules with your wife and gotten her properly educated on dog care.
She never had the experience that you did growing up when it comes to the actual work that dog ownership can be, so it doesn’t surprise me that 1. she wants a big working breed and 2. she wants to BREED the dog. Did she ever mention wanting to breed the dog when she first brought up the idea?
Did you ever tell her about the work into it or did you at least TRY to put up a fight before letting it happen? I WANT to go with ESH for the situation, but when it comes to getting the dog fixed without her permission… I think you’re NTJ for that.
Yes, you did something permanent to the dog behind her back. But what SHE has been doing is incredibly irresponsible and horrible dog ownership. Her act of breeding this dog resulted in the female DYING. How awful! If I were you, I wouldn’t agree to get another pet with her after this mess.
That dog is pretty much yours now with how YOU put the work into keeping it.” ParaGoofTrooper
15. AITJ For Defending My Wife's Choice Not To Wear Her Wedding Ring?
“I, 31m, have been married to my wife (28f) for ten years. We have four great kids together, and while we do have our squabbles here and there, we have a solid relationship.
So a couple of weeks ago my step-sister and her new husband came to our town and asked us to go out with them.
My wife and I get a sitter for the kids, and we meet them at a bar.
Both my wife and I drank two beers over the course of the 4 hours we were there. But my step-sister, and especially her husband, got inebriated.
At around beer 10 for my brother-in-law, somehow talk of our weddings/engagements came up.
I was mostly talking to my brother-in-law so I’m 99% sure this came from my wife and my step-sister. Which was fine. Whatever. I honestly didn’t think anything of it, until my brother-in-law told my step-sister to show us her ring (we’ve seen it before this.
We were both in the wedding).
I’m also going to slide in here that my brother-in-law’s PARENTS are rich. I don’t know about his finances but I do know they have money. And he works for their business.
Moving on…. then he asks my wife what hers looks like because he’s never seen it (true, they hadn’t met when I married my wife) and my wife says “I’m not wearing it.”
Was this a surprise to me? No. I can’t tell you the last time I saw her wear her rings. She’s a housewife (and I’m not knocking that at all), but she just doesn’t wear them 24/7 at home, and as a result of that she doesn’t stop and think “hey I’m going to Walmart let me go grab my rings.”
Anyway my brother-in-law makes a big deal of it, basically saying she would wear them if she cared about our marriage at all, pointing out that I was wearing mine (and I was, but to be fair it came in like a six-pack on Amazon.
They’re the rubber ones. If I lose one of them (and I have) I have more).
Now I don’t care about people having opinions. But what I do care about is when they’re trying to drive those opinions home to the point my wife feels bad about herself when she’s done nothing wrong and that’s what started happening.
After both our wives go to the bathroom later and he went in a little more to me with things I won’t say here, it ended with me telling him that I could trust my wife with or without a ring, if he couldn’t trust his even with one maybe he should worry more about that and not whether my wife wears the rings I paid for.
(Me paying for them was a really big thing for him for some reason).
Since then I guess he’s been nasty to my step-sister about her wanting to come for Christmas with our family and blamed it on me and when I talked to my dad he told me that they weren’t coming because of what I said.
Now other family members aren’t coming because they aren’t and I guess it’s a thing and it just feels stupid.
Was I wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Married couples decide for themselves what they’re comfortable with. I know a couple married over a decade where they’re more likely to not wear their rings.
Not because of a lack of love, but because of work, cleaning, etc., and they may leave the house without it. I know another couple where it was decided the guy wants to wear those silicone rings because of lifestyle reasons, but there’s still the more “formal” and expensive wedding ring.
Different strokes for different folks. Just reassure your wife. With everyone else…well they weren’t there when BIL acted a jerk.” chaenukyun
Another User Comments:
“Not wrong. It sounds like an inebriated person trying to stir the pot. I rarely wear my rings and have been married to the same person for 40 years.
Wearing a ring does not guarantee fidelity, nor does it guarantee someone won’t flirt or whatever. What is too bad is the insecure boy-man has managed to divide the family. For what reason? Ask your dad if he would rather you and your family stay home on Christmas.
He can come visit you another time. The kids will be disappointed, but they might as well learn now that some family members can be jerks. In fact, send out a text to the entire group: Since BIL is so insecure and apparently feels threatened by my solid relationship with my wife, we will skip the family Christmas this year so that you all can go to my dad’s house and celebrate.” Tinkerpro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — I love how you phrased things about people having opinions. The issue goes beyond him having a bad opinion, in my opinion — it seems like he’s insecure about his own success in life (probably because it was largely facilitated by his parents) and perhaps thus his status as husband and is trying to put you down in order to validate himself as superior and thus good.
(which is really just reinforcing his insecurities, too). Having a bad opinion is one thing but using other people to perpetuate your own psych issues is insulting on every level– he’s not accepting or engaging with you as a separate person, he’s just… projecting his values and fears onto you, which is narcissistic (not saying he is NPD because it’s a lot more than that and no one can tell from an online, secondhand account, just saying that’s a narcissistic action/trait).
You didn’t do anything wrong shutting that down or standing up for your wife and marriage. Those are all good things to do, and he needs to learn to either a) accept other people or b) if he can’t manage that, respect the fairly common boundary of not insulting another’s spouse.
If he can’t manage that and you think the added drama is worth it at least you know what to hit back with next time.” itsTacoOclocko
14. AITJ For Refusing To Let My In-Laws Use My Car?
“I (26F) have an okay car at the moment, not the car I wanted but it gets me where I need to go.
For context, I totaled my last car (long story) and was too scared to drive for a while. My in-laws got a new car around this time.
After a few months had passed, I had finally grown confident enough to try again, so I would ask my mother-in-law if I could start driving myself places.
Every time I asked she would always tell me that I can’t because I wasn’t on the insurance.
Fast forward a few months, my sis-in-law messed up her car somehow & my mother-in-law was letting her drive their car. Eventually I find out from my father-in-law that my sis-in-law isn’t on the insurance either so he doesn’t know why she won’t let me drive.
It became a constant argument on why she was allowed to drive but not me. As soon as I got my car, I decided to lay down some rules based on the situation surrounding their car: 1) I’m not taking sis in-laws’ kids anywhere or picking them up because they leave trash in mother-in-law’s car & 2) my car is not a backup vehicle.
If something happens to y’all’s car, you’ll have to figure something out. Nothing too crazy right??
Fast forward a few months & sister-in-law messed up her car again so now they’re sharing one car. Except every time sis in-law takes their car they turn around and ask me to use mine.
When I’d say no because rule #2 they’d get mad and say “well we need you to help us out”. So my reaction would be “well I needed help too & had to fight y’all for months to get it” & then I’d end up letting happen anyway because my backbone doesn’t exist. At one point, my husband had to have a convo with his dad because he thought it would be cool to go pick up one of the kids from school when he only asked me to take my car to the store.
Mind you, his dad knew I wasn’t okay with that.
After getting my car out of the shop from an accident & spending way too much money taking Lyft to work every day, my mother-in-law was stressing about how she would get to work because my father-in-law also needed to use their car to get to work.
I tell her, “you know Uber & Lyft are a thing right?? Y’all didn’t offer to take me to work so…..” Of course she got mad & of course I felt like I was getting buffed down again, so I caved.
Yesterday, my father-in-law somehow messed up their car & now they can’t drive it, meaning my car is the only working vehicle.
Despite the number of times I’ve caved, I want to stand 10 toes down on my decision to not let them use my car because 1) I feel like they just let me struggle for years, not helping me get a car & not letting me drive not to mention I continuously watched them help out my sister-in-law even though she’s totaled every car she’s had, 2) they should’ve gotten a second car for these situations instead of expecting me to let them use my car & 3) I feel like they don’t ever expect me to say no to them.
Am I really the jerk here because I don’t know at this point?”
Another User Comments:
“You certainly don’t have to let them use your car, but do you not understand why they were hesitant to let you use theirs at the time?
You had totaled a car and were admittedly scared to start driving again. They didn’t want you practicing driving again in their car, the insurance thing was probably an excuse. All that being said, you have no obligation whatsoever to let them use your car.
But I think you’re having hurt feelings over the wrong things.” inplightmovie
Another User Comments:
“So after reading some of your comments YTJ for not including the fact that you pay them. You say it’s about the amount you’d pay in rent. So you’re not living there for free which seriously changes judgements. NTJ for not letting them use your car.
Rentals exist. I was side-swiped a couple of weeks ago taking my household from 1 car down to zero. Just like your in-laws. We got a rental while figuring out if it could be repaired or if it was totaled. My first concern is are they on the insurance?
If not this is a non-starter. If so it’s completely legit that you want your car available for when you need it. Also if you don’t want to take the risk of your rates going up and/or having to pay for repairs if something happens to your car if you loan it out.
Make sure no one, not even your husband, has access to your keys.
Speaking of you have a major husband problem. You need to be on the same page. If you’re not you need to examine if this is a symptom of a bigger issue.
Like him constantly disregarding your wishes and doing what he wants without consulting you. “In-laws I’ve given this a lot of thought. I’ve decided not to allow anyone else to drive my car. You will need to find other transportation like a rental or Uber.
I won’t be discussing this again.” Tell your husband privately this includes him as he’s shown a blatant disregard for your limitations on using your vehicle.” ApprehensiveBook4214
Another User Comments:
“I would think twice before lending them your car because if you live in the same house and you don’t put them on the insurance policy and they get into an accident the insurance company won’t pay the claim if they find out it’s not the first time you lent them your car.
Sounds like they know that because they wouldn’t lend you their car but for their daughter they were willing to let that slide because she’s family after all. Lent my mom my husband’s car. She rear-ended someone who is suing for upwards of 100k.
My insurance is responsible because the car was registered to us even though my mom had her own policy and didn’t live with us. Different states have different laws. You better find out because in case of an accident, a totaled car might be the least of your problems.” AnnaF721
13. AITJ For Expecting My Husband To Care For Our Kids On His Birthday While I'm Sick?
“Today is my (35f) husband’s (39f) birthday.
He wanted to celebrate by going out to eat, but our kids have been unwell all week and I’ve missed a lot of sleep (talking only 3-4 hours in a 48-hour period) taking care of them.
I started coming down with it Friday at work and with lack of sleep, I feel miserable, this is the sickest I’ve been in years.
I told him last night that I don’t think we can go out to eat and let’s order takeout instead and he said okay.
I got a luxurious 6 hours last night and when I woke up this morning I still felt terrible. I had some Tylenol, changed and fed my kids (3f, 2f), and then stuck a candle in a cookie and we sang to him and he opened a couple of simple presents.
I told him I needed to go back to bed and rest and he scoffed… At one point he comes to me and asks me to make everyone breakfast. I told him I can’t even get up.
When my Tylenol wears off, I have the chills and can’t even get out of bed. I’m just laying there trying to sleep, but can’t.
When the Tylenol is working, I have enough energy to leave my eyes open, barely. And maybe scroll my phone.
All day he’s been huffing and puffing around the house like I planned to get sick on his birthday and that I am faking how sick I am.
He is taking care of the kids, but obviously upset about it, so AITJ for expecting him to take care of the kids on his birthday when I’m sick?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like you have three children instead of two. What has he been doing while you’ve been working and taking care of your sick children while only getting 4 hours of sleep in two days?
Bad enough that he is throwing a tantrum for having to parent while you are unwell, but demanding that you make breakfast and whining that you got sick on purpose so now he can’t go out and celebrate his birthday? He’s an absolute jerk.
Are his hands broken and he is unable to prepare bowls of cereal or make toast? What did his last slave die of? Wishing you a swift recovery and a better husband.” Pure-Philosopher-175
Another User Comments:
“Birthdays are great but when you have a marriage or children sometimes birthday celebrations are put aside because of things like illness and the need to take care of someone.
When that happens you celebrate later and focus on caring for your family. Your husband needs to remember that instead of acting like a third child. NTJ and I hope you all get well soon.” GothPenguin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My spouse and I have both had to rain-check our birthday celebrations this year because our baby, new to daycare, keeps getting and spreading fun new respiratory bugs to us, so we all take turns feeling like crap for days at a time.
We finally celebrated my husband’s September birthday last weekend. I’ll get my October birthday celebration sometime next month assuming we’re all well enough. Being parents is a partnership and priorities change.” Silent_Complaint9859
12. AITJ For Taking The Kids To A Show While My Husband Was Sick?
“My husband is mad at me because I took the kids to a show this morning when he was unwell.
He said it was cruel and mean. He is unwell and we had tickets with my parents to a kids’ show for the holiday we had planned. Today was the only show and it was an hour-long (plus time to get there and get a quick bite after and come home).
I took care of him all last night – got him space heaters and Gatorade, meds, waited on him, and checked on him throughout the night and the morning. I asked him how he felt in the morning and whether he was going to go.
He said he would go, but had a fever. I told him it was ok and he should rest (he often gets upset if I force him to go places so thought I was giving a good out for him- no pressure that is).
He says my parents and I are cruel and he would never leave me.
I went along with him and apologized – but in my head – my parents and I all like to be alone when we are unwell and wouldn’t want the kids to miss the show because we were unwell. But he thinks we should teach our kids to stay back and not go when someone is unwell.
Am I in the wrong? Was I cruel?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What in the world? What kind of parent wants to teach their kids to stay behind and miss out because someone who they have no responsibility for is unwell? That’s messed up tbh.
These are kids! It really sucks dad was unwell, but to actually want his kids to miss out because he couldn’t go (to a KIDS SHOW!) is really selfish of him. The world doesn’t stop because you’re unwell! It’s not even like you abandoned him.
You took care of him amazingly and asked after him in the morning. You did everything a reasonable spouse would do!” sunflower_noir
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Teaching the kids not to do things when someone is unwell is 100% going to make them those jerks who miss school for a week and come back and say, “Did I miss anything?” Uh, yes.
The world doesn’t stop when you’re unwell. Missing an opportunity as a CHILD because your PARENT is unwell is ridiculous if anyone is still available to go. He’s a grown man. He can take care of himself for a few hours with a cold.
Acting like he’s on death’s door and his whole family must be present for a cold or maybe the flu is absolutely ridiculous.” geekygangster
Another User Comments:
“Your husband is being ridiculous. I had a hip replaced very recently, and my husband had a lot of pre-Christmas commitments with a group he belongs to.
He would do the essential things I needed, make sure I had my socks on (!) and so forth, and go out. With my blessing. Would your husband ‘never leave’ you if the situation had been reversed? Would he have taken the kids and gone out, or stayed at home ‘watching’ them and complaining… ’cause that’s the vibe I’m getting.
He needs to grow up. I hope he behaves better when he is in full health. NTJ.” YourLittleRuth
11. AITJ For Telling My Husband His Questions Add To My Mental Load?
“My husband, (33M) and I (33F) have been married 7 years, together for 9, and have a 5-year-old girl and a 3-year-old boy together.
I have AuDHD and am trying really hard to eliminate anything that adds to the mental load associated with motherhood and general organizing of the household as I tend to get overstimulated easily.
Hubby and I have talked about the mental load but he never quite understands it…..
I was out grabbing stuff for dinner and texted him to put some water on for pasta and chop some stuff up, which he did. I got home and put some pasta on and when it was ready he took it off.
The pasta was for him and the 2 kids (I’m coeliac so had different stuff). He asked if he should cool some down for the kids as they were getting restless, and I said yes. He asked how much, I said whatever you think. He showed me and said “so that much?”
I said a little bit more, but then I decided that was a good example of adding to my mental load by asking a question he really should have known the answer to. So I told him that questions like that add to the mental load and we have both known the kids the same amount of time and should roughly know how much they’re likely to eat so he should be able to figure out how much pasta to set aside.
He immediately got defensive and said it was just a question and I should have just answered it, then he went to sulk on the couch. I said I was sorry and I was just trying to communicate my point of view to him and he said there’s no point in him helping if he can’t ask me anything.
Am I the jerk??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s bloody frustrating! A little tip that may help your partner understand the mental load convo… I describe my brain to my fiancé as a browser with 100s of tabs open. Every job opens up a new tab in my head and they’re weighted equally (strange how brains work).
A pile of dirty dishes will open up a ‘dishes’ tab, so him washing up but not drying/putting away doesn’t do a huge deal for me. My tab is still open and it’s still adding to the million other things going on in my mind.
Explaining it this way has helped him to understand how wild my brain can be and how to help me ‘close down my tabs’ (by completing a job). For me, I’d rather he completed one job than did parts of multiple jobs. This may help you too, as your husband constantly asking you little questions means it would likely be easier for you to get up and do the job yourself!” jazzeroox
Another User Comments:
“Add a reply to your arsenal: “What do you think?” If he answers with what he thinks, then say, “well do that, then.” Every. Time. If he does something wrong, then that’s down to him, and he can do whatever he needs to do to fix it.
Obviously, if he’s about to do something dangerous (like dishing up boiling hot dinner to small children) you should stop him, but stop him with a question. “Do you think that dinner might be a bit hot for Little Johnny?” (make him think about what’s happening) rather than, “You need to wait for the dinner to cool down before you give it to Little Johnny.” (giving him a direct instruction where he doesn’t have to think).
He might eventually get the idea. If he protests, you can say that you’ll contribute with an opinion but he needs to have an opinion first. And obviously NTJ.” WatchingTellyNow
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, there’s not enough context to make a ruling. Relationships are hard.
The behaviors and reactions from both sides are developed over time. What may seem to you as weaponized incompetence could be exactly that, or it could be the polar opposite – he might be terrified of letting you down. That you said “a little bit more” versus “yeah, that works” could suggest that you are excessively particular about how you want things, and as a result he’s learned through getting scolded over the years that it’s way better to double-check on every little thing vs get yelled at for doing something wrong.
Or it could be that he’s incompetent as most responders seem to be willing to jump to that conclusion. Surely he’s handled the kids on his own in the recent past? Perhaps you went on a trip or to visit family and he stayed home with the kids?
In those scenarios, does he still reach out to you for every little thing, or is he able to handle everything just fine? And yes – speaking from very personal and current experience here.” duke_of_ted
10. AITJ For Giving The Neighbor Kid Who Helps Out A Cash Christmas Gift?
“My brother, Chris, is a single dad with a 15yo, 10yo and 7yo sons.
He’s been dealing with multiple health issues. Luckily for him, I do have and make a nice amount of money to help them stay afloat and they don’t realize that they are poor.
Chris lives next door to a family and they have a son who is in his 20s named Teddy.
He occasionally watches the younger two when Chris has to work or is not feeling well. A couple of months ago, Chris had to be admitted to the hospital for a few days and the neighbor cut his vacation early to watch the boys. I was out of town but I was impressed that the boys didn’t miss any sports practices, the house was clean, laundry done and Teddy actually got the younger one bathed every night.
I do watch the younger two and it’s likely all three will eventually move in with me next year and my brother might have to be put in specialized care.
On Tuesday I went to pick up the boys to do Xmas shopping and the 10yo asked if he could see Teddy.
I asked why and he said he had to give him something but wouldn’t say what. I found out my nephew made Teddy a Xmas card and said he was sorry that he couldn’t buy Teddy something because he was broke.
I pretended that I didn’t know about the card and told my nephews that Teddy does a lot and we should give him a gift. The younger two made cards and the oldest bought one.
I put cash in the envelopes and the boys put the cards in their mailbox.
My brother called me today and asked if I gave Teddy money. I said yes. He said that wasn’t my place and he was going to give Teddy like $50. My brother said the amount was excessive and made him look incompetent.
He said at the very least I should have asked him if that was cool with tipping his babysitter and all of a sudden Teddy feels obligated to spend time with them.
I said I didn’t do anything wrong. This kid is richer and your son isn’t embarrassed about being poor and now you got a free sitter.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m actually going with no jerks here. Same reasons others have stated. Your brother is going through a lot. He’s probably just frustrated and feeling out of control. His lashing out at you wasn’t nice, but good on you for trying to understand and let it roll. Your brother is incredibly lucky to have someone he can trust with his kids.
Especially on a moment’s notice. A lot of 20-year-olds wouldn’t step up like that. And to do such a great job. The fact that your nephew made Teddy a card? Says a lot about how much he cares about Teddy. And wanted to give him a gift!
You facilitated that. You made it a fun project. I have no doubt those boys were beaming with happiness when they gave Teddy those cards. Thank you for giving them that. They will remember it.
I’m a service provider. I freaking LOVE Christmas bonus cash.
Maybe you were a little extra. But a single parent with a reliable sitter living right next door and willing to drop everything in the blink of an eye? Absolutely priceless. Worth every penny you gave that kid.
Tell your brother you’re sorry. Didn’t mean to step on his toes.
You got caught up in the excitement of the moment with the boys. And you just wanted to show your appreciation to Teddy for being so wonderful. I’m guessing all of those things are true. It sounds like his pride was hurt. It’s gotta be rough losing his health and relying on others.
Of course you weren’t wrong and didn’t deserve being chewed out. But this is one of those magical unicorn times when you actually should just be the bigger person. You can be happy… or you can be right. This sounds like one of those times when it isn’t the hill you should die on.
Sounds like he’s got worse things heading his way. Give him grace. He’s lucky to have you too. Thank you for being so thoughtful.” Desperate-Film599
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to tell you no jerks here. You did something nice, and truthfully, your brother shouldn’t be upset with you.
But please have compassion for him. He is struggling with a lot, and there are so many things he can’t do/needs help with. He is not as clear-eyed as he might normally be. You didn’t do anything wrong at all, but just let this dust-up fade away.
If you have it in your heart, you can tell your brother, “I didn’t mean to step into your place; I was just reacting to the moment and trying to be helpful.” That’s not a lie; nor does it indicate that there’s anyone to blame.
If you don’t feel like saying that, I still think you are fine – you’ve been doing a LOT for your brother. You have your own stresses, and you’re human, too. Sending good wishes for all of you.” swillshop
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ here for this specific issue.
Your brother and his kids are so lucky to have to in their lives helping out and you seem like a great person who had the best intentions in mind. That being said, tipping someone else’s babysitter without checking in isn’t cool, not to mention having the funds coming “from the kids” – it’s not your relationship to get involved with, especially regarding financial stuff.
How is your brother supposed to tip the kid now if he can’t afford what you gave? The proof of the interference with their relationship is that it has apparently already caused a problem if it made Teddy feel obligated to hang out with them.
The other piece, which is not what you asked about but I want to comment on, is that the lesson your nephew got was that he is too poor to afford a proper gift and can’t do anything worthwhile without you funding it – as opposed to helping him make something or think of other ways to express his affection/appreciation like making something or a plan for an activity together, etc.” RavenWood_9
9. AITJ For Wanting To Leave Early Due To Family Illness?
“My partner and I flew in out of state to visit family for an early Xmas celebration.
After we land, 20 minutes into the drive to the house we’re staying at, we get notified that mom’s down and sick. Turns out, sibling’s family (with 2 very young kids) came down with something nasty late last week. They were very ill for 3-4 days. Since then, Dad got sick on the 4th or 5th day.
2 days later (the day we arrive) Mom gets the bug. We booked a hotel and are not staying with them, but since we’ve been here another sibling has caught it. We’re not happy about the situation. We have jobs and responsibilities at home. We took time off work to make this trip happen and don’t have the luxury of taking off more time if we catch the bug, nor do we want to possibly spread it by flying.
We are thinking about cancelling the flights and renting a car and getting out of here.
Family thinks we’re overreacting because it’s “just a bug.” They decided not to tell us about the situation until after we arrived because they thought it was no big deal and would be cleared up by the time we arrived. It’s now spread to 7, and another sibling arrives tonight and has opted to stay at their house.
The last sibling + partner have decided to stay at another relative’s house to avoid any contamination.
So would I be the jerk if we packed up and left despite family pressure to stay and celebrate the holidays?
Ps. I have a major throw-up phobia. Everyone in my life knows this.
Stomach flu is at the very tippy top of phobia.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ our family did this last year at Thanksgiving and didn’t say anything and we had to stay there, I escaped it but my husband didn’t… it sucked. There’s no reason to expose yourself and knowingly risk being absolutely miserable.
Plus, of all the sickness, stomach bug?! No, those are another level of rough, if you haven’t already been exposed, stay at the hotel and enjoy your time together while staying healthy” Outrageous-Inside849
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I let everyone know if we get sick.
One person gets sick it’s ok, but more than one, sorry everyone, we’re not feeling good and we don’t want anyone else to get sick. We surely would miss everyone but don’t want loved ones getting sick. For the family trying to turn the tables to make you look like the punks, that’s messed up.
NTJ, you don’t wanna get sick, most people don’t want to get sick, most of the people I’m around don’t wanna get anyone else sick. Sorry you gotta deal with that.” Spare_Handle3285
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The only thing worse than being sick is doing it while traveling.
It sounds like enough people are actively sick (and about to be in the case of the sibling staying with them, that calling it for this short trip is the only prudent option. I’d arrange to leave any presents you bought them, and maybe some soup or Gatorade, at their door and go home.
If they try to guilt you about it, maybe say the last thing you want while they’re recovering is for them to have to take care of you, and you can’t afford to miss work for illness. Hopefully your airline will let you change seats, but if not they may let you have a credit to use later.” surpassing_disasters
8. AITJ For Skipping My Mom's Christmas Gathering To Attend My Husband's Family Event?
“All 4 extended families still host a Christmas event in December. Before I had my son (2 YO), we used to attend all 4 extended family Christmas events plus our own core family (parents, siblings, SOs) events in December; driving to 6 different cities to attend 6 Christmases.
Two years ago, we did not attend any events other than our own because my little guy was only 2 months old. It was amazing. The stress I usually feel around this time of year was greatly reduced. Last year, we attended 2 of 4 extended family Christmas events (my dad’s and my mom’s).
This year, to try to keep things even we are attending my husband’s side and my mom is not handling it well at all.
When we first told her that we would not be attending she attempted to guilt trip me with a variety of different things: my grandma will be so upset not to see my son, all my other cousins are coming with their kids and grandma wants to see all the kids play together, my cousin who lives out of state will be coming, and none of my siblings are going so I need to be there (my brother is in fact going and my sister lives on the other side of the country).
After telling her multiple times that we are not going and RSVPed to my uncle, I thought she had given up on it.
Then at 1:55 am, I got the following text message from my mom: I am sorry to be typing this in the middle of the night, and I am sorry you may read this at the start of your day, but I can’t sleep until I speak my mind.
We schedule Christmas on the 2nd Sat of Dec, so no one is bothered with driving the hour during Christmas week. Almost all your cousins have an hour’s drive. Most have reasons why it is inconvenient to make the trip, but they make it a priority for their grandparents.
I am holding on to hope that you and (husband) understand that your grandparents will be gone soon enough. Please don’t hurt their feelings while you have the power to make them happy. If you show up on Sat, Grandma and I will be very happy.
If you don’t, I am unsure how to explain it because I don’t understand how these opportunities are not important enough to make sacrifices. Please know I love you both, but I don’t understand your decision and clearly it’s bothering me.
She doesn’t include the fact that this family has gotten together as a group 14 times since last Christmas and we only missed 6 of the family events.
In fact, we had all just been together with our grandparents in October for my cousin’s wedding. I have offered to visit my grandparents in January but that is not enough. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Wow, that sounds exhausting… NTJ. It’s just not realistic that you are going to be able to make it around to six different Christmas celebrations, in six different cities, especially with a 2-year-old.
That’s just crazy and it’s unfair of her to put that expectation on you and now to guilt trip you over it. Obviously, in a perfect world, you would love to see everyone for Christmas but the logistics of that are insane. You went to see them last year and skipped out on your husband’s family, she doesn’t seem to care about that, which is pretty selfish.
Also, texting you about this at 2 am is ridiculous, it can wait until the morning. I’d probably flip it back and tell her that they are welcome to come visit you.” Tdluxon
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. But your mom? Wow, she is trying to drown you with guilt.
Your plans, to alternate the holidays, is perfectly reasonable. Your Mother is lying when she says she doesn’t know how she would explain your absence. That’s nonsense. She just wants to guilt you into caving in. Then next year she’ll do it again.
And again. And again. I would respond to that message with a very brief reply. Mom, I already explained our plans to alternate holidays. I would also tell her to please not message you at 2 am unless it’s an emergency.” Phoenix612
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, for some reason the grandparent generation does NOT understand that you don’t want to cart off young children to a million places the week of Christmas. My husband and I both have divorced parents, three grandparents in the area and we were going 5-6 places over Christmas Eve and Christmas Day before we had our daughter.
One year the stress was so bad I got sick immediately after. In 2022 I told everyone I was pregnant and that was the last year we would be going all over the state as I did not want to drag my child everywhere in the future.
It is 2024 and I am still getting flack from 1) my mother and 2) my husband’s grandparents, they simply cannot understand the boundary. They keep asking, I tell them no, and then they go off about how many places THEY brought their kids like that’s going to change my mind hearing how much their past holidays sucked?
Your son doesn’t want to be stressed bouncing from place to place, he’s going to want to celebrate with his parents first and foremost. Your mom and grandma can shove that guilt trip somewhere else.” Ok_Herb_54
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Cook A Vegan Christmas Meal For My Critical Family?
“My (26F) parents (60/62) are terrible cooks. They learned somewhere that EVERYTHING needs to be boiled for 20 minutes.
I grew up on mushy vegetables, overcooked pasta, and rice, many soups that consisted of just noodles and broth, and various fried items.
I started to cook all of my food when I was 14. Learnt by myself and it became one of my hobbies. At 16 our family pet passed away and I decided I wanted to become vegan.
I was not allowed to and my parents forced me to make meals with meat or fish in them until I was 18. After that I got even more into cooking and experimenting and to be honest, I’ve felt like they always resented me in some way for not being “thankful”.
They also call my food “weird”, “exotic” and “too much” just because I cook outside of our culture and use spices. Wouldn’t say I’m the best cook but I’m not bad at it either.
Fast forward to today, I’m still vegan, living in the UK with my partner.
My parents and brother are visiting over the holidays and they’ll stay at a hotel but we’ll be having meals together, both at restaurants and at my partner’s.
My mom told me she’s excited about what we’ll be eating, to which I was surprised. She said she’s been wanting to experiment more and bring my dad out of his comfort zone.
I’ve tried in the past, I asked them to eat my meals as a birthday present more than once. I also asked them to try my “experiments” (not always successful lol) growing up. They will always find a way to criticize me and tell me I’m not better than them because I eat healthy (I don’t, I just like veggies sometimes) and use spices.
Whenever we’ve gone to vegan restaurants (maybe 5 times total) they’ll sulk all meal and not eat. Food waste is also a big issue with them and it makes me sick. My mom always makes me cook meals for her when I’m back home, which she usually likes, but feels very weird and she gets mad if I don’t want to.
She’s now asking what I’ll do for appetizers, main course AND dessert. I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive but I really don’t want to spend Christmas listening to my dad and brother complain and not eat and my mom make weird comments about some food I was excited to cook.
Then see it all being wasted, especially during the holidays when overspending already makes me feel like crap. I just want to tell them to buy their usual pre-made oven Christmas meals we ate growing up. My partner thinks I should cook the food since we are hosting and we already had recipes chosen and were excited to cook them together.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No, you don’t have to cook. In the UK, you have so much choice about pre-made holiday meals. Drop them off at the nearest shop once they are in town and tell them to have a look around and buy food that they would like to try.
There are lots of things to choose from that they might not have ever tasted. That way, they can be in charge of most/some of their meals at your place and if they waste food, too bad for them. Don’t let them plan every day around meals.
If weather permits, make sure to go out and tell them that you will find something quick and easy to snack on, for example, and then have a nice dinner out somewhere or at home. They are there to see you, not to have you cook for them.
Remind them of that. LOL NTJ.” hadMcDofordinner
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do as much as you’re comfortable with. I’m vegan and love cooking too. It does feel really disheartening to cook for people who have preconceived ideas about vegan food or who aren’t going to shy away from blunt feedback when you’ve worked hard on something.
It feels like an extra dig when it’s connected to your ethics. I love hosting but there are certain friends who are especially picky who I just know I won’t find joy in cooking for, and certain people who believe all vegan food is subpar who I just know I’d resent if their comments carried over to things I cooked. I think it’s protective of your feelings and of the relationship not to go to huge lengths in this instance.” junglemice
Another User Comments:
“Go ahead and cook them a dinner. If they go through their rude routine then don’t do it again. If they complain you can tell the truth. It is obvious they do not enjoy your cooking, so feel it unfair to make them suffer through another meal. You could preface that first meal by explaining what you are making, so no surprises.
Serve them smaller portions, they can always serve themselves more if they like it. No reason to waste food. Good luck! NTJ.” Cappa_Cail
6. AITJ For Not Wanting My Fiancé's Cousin's Controlling Partner In Our New Home?
“I (26F) have been with my fiancé (M27) for 5 years. Early in our relationship, he and his cousin, Steve (M30) purchased a house together as co-owners. My fiancé’s sister and their other cousin also lived there for a while.
Everything was fine until two years later when Steve started seeing a woman who quietly moved into the house after only four months of being together. This upset everyone since it wasn’t discussed with the household.
She doesn’t work, doesn’t go to school, and doesn’t contribute financially.
She spends her days reorganizing the house while constantly on the phone with Steve. She’s extremely controlling—she goes through his phone, sits in on all his calls, and ensures he is always with her or talking to her. He’s never alone, even at work or in the car.
At first, she seemed sweet, and the family liked her. But over time, she began subtly isolating Steve from everyone. She convinced him to have my fiancé’s sister and their cousin move out, leaving just her, Steve, and my fiancé in the house. She made my fiancé feel unwelcome in his own home, and now she plans to have her brother move into Steve’s house—after Steve removed his own family.
Her passive-aggressive behavior is exhausting. She labels communal items like salt with her name so no one else can use them, reorganizes shared spaces filled with things that aren’t hers, and ignores me completely when I come over. When Steve isn’t home, she hides in her room and acts cold and dismissive.
She is a completely different person when he is not around and it’s clear these are her true colors.
Some family members have voiced concerns about her controlling behavior toward Steve, but he insists he loves her and turns a blind eye. While she’s the instigator, I don’t think Steve is completely innocent—he’s allowing this behavior.
Recently, she convinced Steve to buy my fiancé out of the house, so we’re moving out in a week. I’m relieved, but here’s my issue: I’ve told my fiancé I don’t want her in our new home. I’m fine with Steve visiting, but I don’t want her there.
If she couldn’t show us basic respect while living in a house my fiancé co-owned, I refuse to let her treat us poorly in our space now.
I don’t want to stir the pot or cause drama, but I also refuse to let my boundaries be disrespected or normalize the way she’s treated us.
My fiancé is torn because he wants to maintain his relationship with Steve, but I feel strongly about this boundary. AITJ for saying I don’t want Steve’s partner in our home?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However I think you need to be careful here OP…..The moment your fiancé moves out she’s going to find a reason to burn that friendship and isolate him from everyone.
Unfortunately, Steve may be so lovestruck he doesn’t see what’s happening OR he may be living in fear scared about upsetting her….I know this because this happened to a friend of mine. It took him 15 years to find the courage to leave her and by then she’d burnt off every relationship and friendship she didn’t approve of and he then had to rebuild all those friendships and trust. I think you need to subtly signal to Steve that you are a safe place if he ever needs to talk and if your fiancé has witnessed anything untoward then he needs to document it for future evidence.
It’s perfectly reasonable though to make it clear that she’s not welcome in your home.” ColdstreamCapple
Another User Comments:
“Your feelings are valid but it’s your fiancé’s home too — and it sounds like he’s putting more in financially than you are.
Plus you’ll allow her to flip the script and paint you as the one who is controlling and isolating your partner. A better approach would be to allow fiancé to invite her over but agree upfront on what behavior from her is and isn’t acceptable and how you’ll respond to unacceptable behavior.
Then enjoy dropping the hammer. “Nadine, when you are a guest in someone’s home, it’s common courtesy to greet your hostess.” “Nadine if things here aren’t to your liking we can respect that and wouldn’t dream of expecting you to stay.
Here, let me walk you to the door.” Having her in your home doesn’t mean accepting mistreatment in your home.” nolaz
Another User Comments:
“My heart aches for Steve. He’s being abused intellectually, emotionally, and financially (just based on this thread). Makes me worry about his physical condition.
I know, I know, this story is about not wanting Steve’s partner in your home, and this is probably correct. But, for Steve’s sake, please keep communicating with him. He may need a lifeline in the future. I am worried she may force him to marry her or she’ll get pregnant.
He will have even less options. I would make sure Steve has a burner phone at his workplace, in case he needs to get out of the situation. This story scares me for him. Really sad.” bronwyn19594236
5. AITJ For Refusing To Watch My Brother's Dog Without Payment?
“My brother (23m) got a dog 2 years ago and since my brother has had said dog he constantly tells me I have to watch his dog for sometimes weeks on end.
And almost every chance my brother gets he seems to get in the way of anything I want to do or have fun for myself.
My brother lives in a cabin with his dog 25 minutes out of town and away from my own home and workplace.
My brother also constantly eats out a lot meaning there are little to no groceries in the house for me to eat so I have to go out of my way to get food to eat at his house and I have to pay double what I normally pay for a week’s worth of gas because his house is so out of the way.
I told him I wasn’t watching his dog without payment because I’m always going out of my way for his dog that has nothing to do with me, and now he’s overreacting and losing his mind because he said I don’t deserve payment because he drove me 5 minutes to and from work every once in a while before I had my license.
So am I the jerk for not taking care of a dog that isn’t mine because I didn’t realize I got a dog too when my brother did.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Watching his dog here and there, especially if he returns the favor somehow, is a friendly favor.
Making it your part-time job is not. If he can afford to go on trips he can afford to pay a kennel, and I’m guessing what you’d ask for compensation would be less than a kennel. If he can’t afford to pay you/a kennel then he either can’t afford to go on trips or can’t afford to have a dog.
Simple as that. It’s true I do exactly what your brother does to my ex, but technically it’s her dog I somehow got stuck with so I figure it’s just as much if not more her responsibility anyway. The least she can do is watch it when I’m away.
Not the case for you.” Christopher-RTO
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but ‘no’ is a complete sentence. You not only don’t have to watch your brother’s dog for free, you don’t have to watch it at all. His dog, his responsibility. A dog is not an ideal pet for someone who travels frequently.
If he’s not able to take the dog with him, he needs to arrange care that doesn’t depend on you. If he can’t do that, he should consider finding the dog a more appropriate home.” ClockworkMeow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sorry watch the dog for weeks on end?
Look I have 3 dogs myself. Last summer, during our family vacation, we went to the biggest zoo around with the family but my FIL stayed home. He ended up watching his and our dogs. I felt horrible he did while my dogs could have stayed in the bedroom without issue.
I called in 3 times over the day, texted several times, and brought a gift for my FIL. And just so we are clear…. he stayed home because he was too tired to join us. So your brother making you watch HIS dog, for weeks on end… Have you maybe thought of just bringing the dog home to you?
Because going away for several weeks and just assuming you will take care of the dog… is abandoning your pet. Last time I checked…. in most countries this is punishable by even jail time. The only thing though…. if your country has a lot of issues with pounds, please do not let the dog end up in the system.
The dog is not to blame.” Mundane_Morning9454
4. AITJ For Refusing To Follow Sexist Family Tradition And Standing Up To My Grandpa?
“Every three months my family has a dinner together. It is a tradition in my family that the women clean after the meal while the men watch the hockey game. The three oldest women clean (The kitchen is small so there’s no room for any more than three people), which are usually my grandma, my mom, and my auntie.
Four days ago we had another meal, but my auntie couldn’t make it. After dinner, my older brother started to clear away the dishes and wash them instead of my auntie. As usual, I got a beer and talked with my uncle while I was watching my son.
My grandpa saw what was happening, and he told me to clean instead of my brother. I told him that I was busy at the moment, and my brother stepped up to help. He got angry with me, saying that women should be in the kitchen, not men, and since I was the next oldest woman (I’m at least five years older than my cousins) I should be helping.
I understand that my grandpa comes from a different time, but it was still disrespectful. I politely reminded him that I was in the middle of a conversation and that I was busy watching my son. He told me that I should just let someone else watch him.
I can’t do this because he has been diagnosed with ADHD and often gets into trouble. My grandpa knows this, but I still reminded him. He kept arguing with me until my brother stepped in and told him that it was fine and that he volunteered. My grandpa was still angry, but he didn’t say anything more.
I thought it was all fine, but then later, when I wasn’t looking, he switched my beer to a glass of wine. I *hate* wine. I don’t like the taste, and everyone in my family knows. When I asked my grandpa why he would do that, he just said that it was more ‘feminine.’ I took my beer back and I gave the glass of wine to my mother.
I told my grandpa that if he kept acting like this, then I would stop bringing my son over as much. He got really mad, calling me ‘ungrateful’ and ‘harsh.’ I left dinner early with my son.
For the past few days, I’ve been getting a lot of messages from my family members.
Most of them are on my side, but my younger brother, his wife, and my grandpa are all mad at me. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – My dad tried this bs and it backed fired gloriously for him. I used to help him on weekends with yard work.
Then I realized I never got help with my household chores, in fact, things got added. So I asked when do I get help. Dad: “That’s woman’s work.” Of course I was furious, but I came up with the perfect comeback. Me: “Then this is men’s work.” Cue the Pikachu face when Dad realized he had played himself.
And I went inside to do my other chores.” PassComprehensive425
Another User Comments:
“”Grandad, seeing as how you don’t like how I act, I have decided that I will no longer inflict my oh-so disgraceful sensibilities upon you, therefore I will no longer come to these meals so that you won’t get upset by the realization that it isn’t the 1940s anymore.
Of course this also means that you don’t get to see my son either. On the other hand, you could do, what I never imagined I would have to say to someone from your generation and grow the heck up.” NTJ.” dropshortreaver
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why have you waited this long to say anything about that sexist tradition? And why are all of the people in your family cool with this? And stop letting your son around this behavior. He is going to grow up with this perception and opinions about women if you don’t nip this in the bud as soon as possible.
If he’s old enough to cause trouble, he’s old enough to be influenced by behaviors around him.” SnooChipmunks770
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Call My Friend By Her New Name, Queen?
“My partner’s friend (25F) socially changed her name from the name her mom gave her, to a name she chose for herself. She is cisgender, by the way. Her name change is due to her wanting to reinvent herself. And her new name, Queen, reflects how she thinks of herself and how she wants others to see her.
Her social media usernames and profiles reflect her new name, and people she’s met in the past few years call her by the name she’s introduced herself as. I’d be glad to support her in the autonomy she seeks by naming herself. But my issue is that she wants everyone to call her Queen.
Within the friend group, I notice that sometimes her old friends slip up and call her by her given name. But you can see that it doesn’t sit well with her and that being deadnamed, bothers her. Sometimes she’ll politely correct, but not within larger groups.
Sometimes her friends self-correct and call her Queen.
Since, “Queen” and “King” are used as terms of praise, reverence, and endearment, I am very hesitant to call this person “Queen”. I simply don’t feel that way about her. That says, if she tells a funny joke, or I’m fondly greeting her, it’s easy to call her Queen.
It just doesn’t feel like a name to me. It feels more like a title. I don’t feel right calling my peer Queen. If she were to change her name to a name that means queen, like Reina, I wouldn’t experience any unease with calling her such.
I avoid using any name to refer to her. If I do use a name, I try to say Queen but if I’m not in a good mood or if I’m annoyed with her, I don’t bring myself to say it. I asked if I could call her “Q” and she said no, my name is ‘Queen’.
Perhaps I would feel differently if it were a stage name.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Changing one’s own name to “Queen” (or King, or anything else that obviously signals one’s belief in their own superiority over other people) and then demanding that people address you by that name is an inherently jerk move.
It’s so, so gross, and absolutely reeks of narcissism. If any of my friends ever did this, I would honestly be so turned off by it that I would most likely stop being friends with them. Blech. My own issues with valorizing the concept of royalty aside–forget monarchs, seriously–if you want people to call you “Queen,” work to earn that and let other people give you the title as a sign of respect.” rtthrowawayyyyyyy
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to break it down to you the same way I broke it down to my 6-year-old: As long as it is not bothering you or threatening you, we should just let people live the way they want. I don’t want someone telling me what to wear, what to call myself, how to act, etc, so likewise I try to give everyone else the same treatment that I want to receive.
YTJ. Queen is regal, Roses are flowers, and Masons used to be a profession. Almost everyone has a name that means something. Harkening your own theory, should they all call themselves something different? And if they did, would you also have a problem with that?” slackerchic
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I’ve known people named King and Queen. And Jesus. And Doc. And Angel. You’re not bestowing the title on her. It’s her name. My friend is named Tanner but I am not saying he does tanning for a living. It’s his name, not his title.
You clearly dislike her so stop being her friend. But you’re not doing her an honor or giving her adoration or reverence by using her name. People are named Honey and Love and I am not using terms of endearment with them when I use those names.
Would I name someone Queen? No. I knew someone named Chastity, and I wouldn’t name someone that either. In Spanish, I know people named Cross, Solitude, Sorrow, and of course Jesus. If Christians can call their friend Jesus, you can call your friend Queen. Just call people what they want to be called. People have ridiculous names.
We don’t crowdsource what names we do and don’t approve of by refusing to use them.” sweadle
2. AITJ For Refusing To Buy A Black Coat For My Grandad's Funeral?
“My grandad passed away a few weeks ago and his funeral is coming up within the next week.
I had planned on wearing my standard funeral outfit: black pants, white shirt, etc. However, I had a phone call with my dad and he was asking what I was planning on wearing so I told him and he said “Are you planning on wearing that grey coat?” I said, “Yeah, I plan to.” His reaction was “Well, everyone is wearing black so you are going to look stupid with that on.
You need to go out and buy a black one.”
I told him “No, I won’t be going out spending on a coat so close to Xmas and also I am still a week away from being paid so I am not exactly flush with cash right now.”
In the end I said “Ok, I will just be without a coat for the day.” Again he said he did not like that and I should just go buy one. I can get a decent one for £40-£50. Again, I told him I can’t afford that.
He then called me selfish and put the phone down on me. I have not heard from him since.”
Another User Comments:
“First of all, look your coat over with a critical eye. See if there are ratty edges, if it’s starting to show wear or anything.
Something you may not have noticed over time. Barring that, then you are not doing anything wrong wearing a gray coat to a funeral. As someone else said, call your dad and ask him if he wants to pay for a new black coat for you.
If he says no, he can’t then you say “Well, if you can’t, you should understand why I can’t. I’m not coming for a fashion show. I’m coming to pay my respects to my grandfather.”” Grandmapatty64
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry for your loss.
Grief hits people in odd ways. If your grey coat is not in tatters just wear it. Hopefully, Dad will get past it. NTJ. Try to be patient with Dad. You can hold your position that you are unable to buy a coat and still be gentle.
Do your best to de-escalate and give him grace. Be prepared with a good response for when it comes up again. Some ideas: I know you’d like me to wear all black, it’s not my intent to disappoint you, but I cannot swing that expense.
I’m not trying to be disrespectful, I’m doing the best I can. I can handle looking stupid as long as I am there for Granddad. As hard as the grief is for me, I imagine it’s even harder for you. Is there anything else I can do to support you?
(This may disarm your dad a bit) Truthfully arguing over a gray versus black coat is ridiculous. All that matters is that you’re there as a family to help each other grieve. But many people don’t know how to handle their feelings and it comes out as anger or they look for something to be angry at.
Try and keep that in mind to protect your own feelings and sanity.” CommonCow495
Another User Comments:
“You don’t HAVE to wear black to a funeral. If your dad truly believes that, he’s silly. Just look presentable. I wore a charcoal gray fitted sheath dress and black Mary Jane-ish shoes to the funeral of a longtime friend/former partner this summer.
I was dressed nicer and more funeral-y than most people there. I was stressing about looking presentable and I ended up being more overdressed and formal than his own mom. But dang, I looked good. I wish the person who has passed away had been there to see me.
Lol NTJ. Don’t buy a new coat. Gray is fine.” Katiew84
1. AITJ For Announcing My Pregnancy Despite My Sister-In-Law's Fertility Struggles?
“My sister-in-law (37f) has been trying to get pregnant for almost three years now and has had a very rough and tough time trying to conceive. It has always been a sensitive subject around the family and my husband (29m) and I (29f) have held back from having our second child due to this reason.
We wanted to give her the chance to have a child before we tried for another one. We always wanted to have our first child to be closer in age with their next sibling. Our little one is turning 4 next year and we said now is the time.
We tried and had a miscarriage. A month after that we are all happy after knowing we are pregnant again!
Overjoyed by the news I shared the news with the family. SIL was upset about how I shared the news and family was pretty in the middle..
ultimately I can’t share my pregnancy with anyone until after my first trimester so I don’t hurt SIL’s feelings.
A week after that happened, I shared a story on my social media of a funny skit of a pregnant woman wanting to eat healthy but her pregnancy cravings are telling her to eat chocolate instead.
SIL was so upset and told everyone she wouldn’t be attending Christmas with the family. And that I wasn’t understanding her and how hard it has been for her.
At this point, I just don’t even want to be pregnant… so people could stop making me feel bad for even expressing any small thing about pregnancy.”
Another User Comments:
“Based on what you’ve shared NTJ. But holding back from your own family planning is weird. It sounds like everyone is on pins and needles catering to SIL. The fact that everyone is on the fence about you being a jerk is also weird.
How exactly did you share the news? Did you tell SIL directly in an understated way? “Just to let you know I have news that may make you feel uncomfortable so I wanted you to know first before I tell the rest of the family.” would have been a kindness.
Or did you do a big in-person announcement with everyone there including SIL? That way doesn’t allow SIL to get over her disappointment in private before putting on a brave face. Congratulations on the new baby.” houseonpost
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for announcing your pregnancy but maybe it could have helped to give SIL private heads up first?
Not because you “have” to, but perhaps being able to privately process might have lessened the…I don’t know, blow? She could have been upset about that, too! Just an idea, even though I’m not 100% sure it would have helped. You didn’t do anything wrong by sharing your good news or posting what you did.
She is obviously struggling and of course it is kind to be sensitive to that. But her feelings of grief and loss (etc) don’t mean that no one else is ever allowed to feel joy and excitement about their own pregnancy. Hopefully, she can learn to separate her pain from other’s life experiences, because they just aren’t connected in a way that justifies her anger at you.
In a not-mean way, maybe she shouldn’t be on social media if people mentioning pregnancy feels like a personal attack on her. Like she can protect herself from those potential consequences feelings by not using SM right now. Her pain is separate from your joy.
You didn’t cause what she is going through. Sounds like she is deep in her grief (fair) and not able to see “reason” (also fair but not in the way that excuses crapping on your joy, I’m just saying I get that it hurts for her).
Hopefully, she will see things differently once she has time to process all this. Congratulations to you, though!!!” StrategyDouble4177
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Life’s unfair, emotions are messy, and pregnancies—even the announcement of them—can pack a punch. First off, congratulations on your pregnancy!
That’s joyful news, and it’s okay to feel overjoyed. You deserve to share that joy with your family and, importantly, not feel guilty for your happiness. Life doesn’t stop for someone else’s struggles—it doesn’t mean you don’t care deeply, but you also can’t put your life on hold forever.
Your sister-in-law’s reaction makes sense too—grief, disappointment, and envy don’t follow the rules of decorum. She’s hurting, not because you did something wrong, but because life hasn’t given her what she so desperately wants. It’s her pain speaking, not a judgment on you as a sister-in-law or person.
Give her some time and grace. That said, it’s okay to set boundaries for yourself. You can’t tiptoe around your pregnancy forever. You’re not ‘bragging’ by sharing the skit; you’re just being a normal, excited human. Maybe check in with SIL later—something like, ‘I can’t imagine how hard this has been, and I want you to know I’m here for you.
But I also hope it’s okay for me to feel happy right now too.’ It shows empathy while acknowledging your own right to joy. And one last thing: don’t let this dull the glow of your pregnancy. You’re growing a tiny human, after all—a miraculous little person who will one day be the bane of your sleep schedule and the light of your life.
So eat the chocolate, post the skits, and remember—life isn’t a competition, but there’s room for everyone’s happiness to coexist, even if it takes a little time.” BroccoliSubstantial2
