People Dive Deep Into These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Painting My Room Instead Of Waiting For My Step Dad?
“I (16m) had been wanting to repaint my room for a while because the previous colors were awful: bright pink and lime green.
Then, in January, my stepdad agreed and showed me. I painted the ceiling first and then painted most of the walls, except for the parts near the ceiling because he said he would have to do that since I might mess up and get paint on the white ceiling.
I agreed because it was reasonable.
Fast forward to May: when it still wasn’t done and I was still not living in my room because it had not been painted and everything had been moved out, I asked my stepdad to paint it on several occasions, and he said he would do it.
But he never got around to doing it. One of those times he called me a jerk for bugging him about it so much.
Last weekend, I went out to Ace and bought one of those cheap paint roller things that paint the tops and bottoms of the walls because I was done waiting.
When I told my stepdad this, he said I was a jerk for doing this and he “was gonna do it this weekend” (Heard that one before). AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You are not the jerk and should be commended for taking the initiative to just do it!
I don’t see how he could possibly call you the jerk for that.” formerlythere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, don’t wait for a procrastinator, he should have said thank you for saving him the work. Too many excuses from him.” StrawberrySox
Another User Comments:
“Oh for crying out loud, it takes One Day – ONE DAY to paint a bedroom unless it’s really high humidity and the paint won’t dry!
Usually, you use a brush to “cut in” the ceiling and corners, to draw a “straight” line, you get the brush in place and pull it toward you, then repeat. Work from wet -> dry, repeat. If there’s no ceiling molding, I aim the brush a tad low so there’s a line of white at the top of the wall where it meets the ceiling.
If you do smear a bit of paint on the ceiling, it’s No Big Deal, you just touch it up with a few dabs of ceiling paint after the oops area dries. If it’s a heavy oops, sometimes it takes a second go. Generally, to roll out the room, you work roughly two- to three-foot squarish sections, make an M with the roller, make a W over it, lightly go back and forth a bit to work out any spots with heavy paint, dip your roller and move on to the next square – again, wet -> dry (try not to go back onto the wet areas unless there’s a sag or run, as you can actually remove paint if it’s starting to dry).
I am old school and always do two coats on the walls because the second coat makes sure there’s even coverage and it overall looks nicer – but I have done a down-and-dirty one-coat job before. Favorite part about painting? If there’s a part you miss, it’s known as a Holiday (as in, your brush took a holiday and missed a spot).
Finish your room and move back in. I was a professional painter. NTJ.” 2dogslife
20. AITJ For Saying That My Sister Can't Be Trusted To Be Left Alone?
“My sister is 20. She means really well and tries to be helpful but has no concept of the word no or boundaries.
Last week I had surgery done on my wrist. This week my sister and mother stopped by unannounced with food and to help me clean my house since I had only had use of one hand.
So the first hour, we ate. My sister and I were chatting while folding clothes (as well as I could fold with one hand) and my mother was tidying up the kitchen.
Afterward, my sister offered to dust which I agreed. But I told her to leave the spare room alone.
That I had some glass ornaments in there. One being a handmade glass figurine that my great-grandmother on my father’s side (sister and I have different fathers) had made for me. She had since passed and this particular piece was one of a kind. There was also a shelf that was loose, and I didn’t want to risk it falling down.
She said she understood. After a while, she decided to take a break. So my mom and I decided to go out and get a late afternoon snack, and a movie to watch. My sister was going to stay back and check her emails.
We were gone maybe twenty minutes.
But when I got back, my sister told me there was a little accident. She had decided, despite me telling her not to, to go and clean up the spare room. She had used the loose shelf for support to get on a chair to dust the top of my fan, and the whole shelf came down, and onto my desk.
A mirror, my reading glasses, and the glass figurine were broken.
I was mad and told her to leave. My mom said I was overreacting and that it was an accident. I said it would have never happened if she had stayed out of the room like I said.
That she knew that the shelf was loose and wobbly, and she decided to do it anyway and something irreplaceable got broken. I said she can’t be trusted to be left alone.
I was called ungrateful. So I paid my sister for her time.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all, you have no obligation to be grateful for unsolicited acts, especially ones that you specifically asked someone not to do. Your sister knew she was doing something you asked her not to do. “You are ungrateful”, “you are overreacting”, etc. are typical things dragged out by people who know they’ve done wrong but don’t want to admit it, especially people like your sister who can’t seem to stop.
And, you are 100% correct – your sister cannot be trusted alone, and your mother is her enabler.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She lacks a clear understanding of boundaries. You said the spare room is off-limits, and she said okay. Then when you and your mother left for a short period, she decided to ignore your earlier statement and do what she pleased. Your mom is a jerk for siding with her and your sister for ignoring you in your own home.
And then you paid her? She owes you money.” midnight_thorns
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I can’t really call your sister the jerk even though you told her the shelf was loose and not to clean the room. I think your sister meant well; she didn’t fully understand how loose it was.
I know it was a sentimental item and no amount of money could fix that, but I’d imagine she is very sorry for breaking it. And you’re not the jerk either because, as mentioned before, you said not to clean the spare room and the ornament can’t be replaced. Hopefully, you guys can make amends soon.” RustedCircuit
19. AITJ For Telling My Mom That My Sister's Baby Isn't About Her?
“This morning, I (F20) got into an argument with my mom (57).
To add some background information, my sister’s (24) pregnancy was unplanned, and it definitely has been challenging getting to this point. All of us have definitely heavily pitched in financially, but that’s about all that my parents have done—it’s financial stuff.
I’ve done a lot of the actual, you know, being there for her, asking her how she is, etc. The other night, she went into labor and was in labor for over 24 hours. There is a strict 2-person visitor policy. Obviously, the father was going to be there, but the other person that was picked was the father’s mother, which I have no problem with because it makes the most sense.
And the reason that it makes the most sense is that my parents are fairly older because they didn’t have kids until later. So, there are definitely a lot of things that they will not be able to help with for the baby.
This morning at breakfast, my mom was going off about how she’s upset that she wasn’t the person and that she has barely heard anything, all while doing (what is fairly typical for her) things to make it about herself.
She also said that she needs to get in contact with her about the pediatrician and all of these other things, as there is not a full medical team or other responsible adults around her right now.
At first, I kind of tried to empathize with her because, personally, it is a little bit weird—especially for me—that we’ve been so close this entire time, and I’ve heard absolutely nothing from her.
But, of course, she started raising her voice at me, and that’s when I told her it wasn’t about her. And that’s when I got kind of yelled at for starting a fight, so I just really want to know: Am I really being the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Having common sense doesn’t make one a jerk. Your mother needs to get a grip. This baby has two parents who are apparently together.” BookReader1328
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom started the fight by raising her voice at you.
Your sister makes the call on who is with her, and she needs people who are reliably supportive. Your mom is demonstrating that she does not have a handle on what is needed right now. She isn’t your sister’s next of kin, she isn’t in charge of anything to do with the birth, and she has no business contacting doctors.” anonymous_for_this
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister just had a baby and is pretty much preoccupied with bonding with said baby. Yeah, it sucks that she hasn’t talked to any of you yet, but she just made and gave birth to a human. Your mom needs to drop her entitled attitude and show some more respect.
Your mother had no reason to yell at you; you didn’t do anything wrong. And you were right—your sister having a baby isn’t about your mom. And if her partner’s mom has been more supportive, then it makes sense she would choose her.” EngineeringOk3854
18. AITJ For Refusing To Cover The Office When My Coworkers Took Extended Time Off?
“Our office is closed on July 4th. Also, our company offers “summer Fridays,” which allows staff to have half-days on Fridays. Not everyone can take a summer Friday on the same day, so they are alternated.
My coworker, Chris, has a summer Friday scheduled on July 1st, and my other coworker, Denise, wants to take July 5th off. Basically, each gets a four-day weekend.
Because of the nature and demands of my job (I do very different work, travel, and I’m the only person doing the work that I do), I simply cannot take extended time off like Chris and Denise can.
They can take a week off without being bothered at work. Not me.
As a way to make things fair to me, I get to work from home most of the week, and I usually get dibs on the Fridays before holidays.
I asked Chris if he was interested in trading his July 1st summer Friday with my July 8th, and he said no because he wanted to have a four-day weekend.
I thought that was selfish, but whatever.
Then Denise says she wants to take July 5th off so she can also have a four-day weekend.
The conflict is that both of them are asking me to help cover the office on the days that they’re out.
I said absolutely not, because they weren’t flexible with me, so I’m not being flexible with them, and I’d be working from home on those days regardless.
I found it insulting that I couldn’t trade a holiday so I could take a four-day weekend after they both just took a week off, and now they’re asking me to come to the office too, when I could be working from home.
They both can take their days off. It just means there would be only one person managing the office instead of two.
I can help out with office coverage, but it’s not my job to do so.”
Another User Comments:
“So Chris gets 1/2 day off on 7/1 for a 3 1/2 day weekend (Fri-Mon) based on the normal Friday rotation.
You get 1/2 day off on 7/8 for a “normal” 2.5-day weekend, also based on the normal Friday rotation. It sounds like Denise is taking a vacation day on 7/5 to give herself a 4-day weekend (Sat-Tues)? YTJ; not for not wanting to cover the office but for your attitude towards them.
It appears to me that you’re mad because you didn’t get the Friday before a holiday off, even though that’s normally your day, and they understandably wanted a long weekend. Not their fault their jobs allow them to get away for a week at a time and yours doesn’t.
You don’t have to cover for them, but you shouldn’t be mad at Chris for not trading with you. And there doesn’t appear to be a reason to be angry at Denise; nowhere do you mention trying to trade shifts with her.” DartBen654
Another User Comments:
“I’m a little confused about the scheduling, but I think ESH. You want them to give up a four-day weekend so you can have one instead? I wouldn’t trade either; it’s uneven. But it also sounds like they snatched some off days and kind of screwed you, so I don’t know.” dandylions8
Another User Comments:
“Dog-eat-dog world. But if you usually get dibs on Fridays before a holiday, then normally, July 4th that Friday goes to you. But someone grabbed it first. Your issue is that they can also take off a full week, while your job is one where you can’t.
So, this go-around, you got the short end of the stick regarding your usual Friday. I can actually see you being miffed because of their week-long vacation versus your only getting much less free time off. Petty of you. Nothing wrong with that. NTJ. Work from home.
They are out for themselves. You just wanted one blessed extra day that you normally don’t get.” pensaha
17. AITJ For Refusing To Be My Sister’s Personal Chauffeur?
“I just got my license a month or two ago, and while I’m quieter and stay at home, my sister is all partying and going out and doing all that. I don’t mind driving her sometimes, but she asks me to take her places about 4 times a week, and I’m using all my gas doing this, not to even mention that I hate driving.
I got into a yelling match with her earlier about not wanting to make the 20-mile trip to McDonald’s just so she can go see somebody, and naturally, I’d have to wait for them to finish talking, which can take hours. I just don’t feel like doing this crap anymore.
I got my license and I want to have my own freedom, like I earned it. I don’t want to be her personal chauffeur anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your car and you shouldn’t be used like that. She sees you as a chauffeur.
You don’t want it so here is a tip. Look up what a cab costs and tell her that you want to get paid more than that. She’s probably taking the cab over you. Only do it when YOU want, not when anyone else wants.” ATDynaX
Another User Comments:
“You can drive. She can do other things for you. I am not saying everything between family members needs to be a transaction, but there should be some balance between the taking and giving. She should give you an equivalent value of time like doing the dishes for you or other chores.
She should pay for her own gas. She should coordinate rides with others when reasonable and confirm your availability in advance. Perhaps you can drop her off and her friend can bring her home. Maybe then you would be more willing to drive her when it would work for you.” latents
Another User Comments:
“”Hey sis! Due to the increasing cost of gas, I have a new rule. $5.00 to get in my car and $2.00 a mile, round trip – payable in advance. Also, I do not wait. I drop off and leave. If you need a return trip, that will be another $5.00 to get in and $2.00 per mile, round trip, also payable in advance.
And of course, trips are dependent upon my schedule. Now should we check MapQuest to determine the mileage so you can pay me, or do you wish to find alternate transportation?” Rinse and repeat as necessary. People will take advantage when you allow it and you make it easy by being nice.
Make it uncomfortable and not easy, and they tend to look for another victim to use. NTJ – and work on stiffening that spine!” JomolaMomo
16. AITJ For Not Lending A Formal Dress To A Friend?
“In Australia, Year 12 students have a formal (which is really similar to prom) and a friend of mine was thinking of what to wear.
We were sitting together and some friends offered to lend her a dress. I would have done the same but the thing is I don’t own black tie dresses because I hardly attend fancy events and all the fancy dresses that I do have are traditional desi clothes and I wasn’t too sure if she would be comfortable wearing them to an event like Formal because of the dress code.
I honestly feel really crap for not being able to lend something to her.
What made me feel iffy was when she said “please be quiet, you didn’t even offer me a dress” when we were conversing about another topic related to Formal. It was in a joking tone and I know she probably meant it as a joke, but I still felt a little hurt by it.
I have a feeling that I’m overreacting about it, but I’m not too sure.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have a good reason. You are almost an adult so this is a great chance to practice your adulting skills and talk to your friend and explain.
Let her know you value your friendship and even if joking it made you feel “iffy” when she said that. Squash the issue and move on.” EconomyEntrepreneur9
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you believe what you wrote (“It was in a joking tone and I know she probably meant it as a joke”) then you are over-reacting, because it sounds like you and your friend are in the same boat, but she’s okay to make light of it whereas you sound like you wish you had been able to help her out.
Breathe … and have a great time!” PersonalityLost5228
15. AITJ For Not Allowing My Aunt To Tag Along With My Cousin?
“I recently moved to a warm, Mediterranean country and I live in a one-bedroom flat that is rather tiny, but extremely close to the beach.
My favorite cousin (29), whom I have not seen in about five years for a multitude of reasons, is coming to visit in the relatively near future, as I had invited him to do so. He and I were looking forward to a week or so of good-natured fun without any sort of “real adults” around since we had never had an opportunity to go out on our own when we visited each other’s families previously, as we were with our parents and, additionally, there was a significant age gap.
But since my cousin told my aunt, she had (in my opinion) completely invited herself without asking me at all. She had my cousin relay to me that she intended to visit with him rather than ask me or even inform me. I immediately called her and tried to explain that my flat is quite small and cannot really accommodate more than two people.
She said, “Nonsense! We’re family; we can squeeze in.” I replied, “This is my home and my rules.” My justification for that was that I was really looking forward to having some alone time with my cousin, and also because my aunt is a big itinerary, touristy person who must plan everything.
The reason I believe I may be the jerk is because she is my aunt and we really could squeeze in fairly comfortably, but I wanted my cousin to myself and for us to do our own thing. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she invited herself and when you politely tried to decline she persisted. Just be upfront and say you want to hang out with your cousin and do things that two people in their 20s would likely want to do, i.e., going on a night out and not coming back until late.” acronthedwarf1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Did you tell your cousin that you were looking forward to spending time with him alone? Does he really want his mom there? Is he a mama’s boy? Can you afford a hotel, motel, or Airbnb? If not, then ‘OMG, something really important came up at work/school and my schedule isn’t going to be able to accommodate the vacation after all.
My sincerest apology.’ Next time you want to hang with your cousin, do so on a cruise where it’s easier to ditch his mom. Or just realize that some relationships are best experienced as memories.” rtgd_mmm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That your aunt would invite herself on someone else’s vacation and stay—uninvited—in someone else’s home and refuse to take ‘no’ for an answer when confronted with her intrusiveness makes her a triple jerk.
I wonder if she pressures your cousin not to go since she doesn’t get to? That would fit with her other selfish jerk behavior.” HeartpineFloors
14. AITJ For Not Inviting My Brother's Partner To My Wedding?
“I (35M) am getting married to my fiancée, Audrey (29F), in a few months.
My brother, Steve (30M), has been seeing his partner, Lisa (28F), for about a year now. I’ve never really clicked with Lisa, but we’ve always been cordial. She’s kind of loud and opinionated. She also has a tendency to interrupt people when they’re talking, and it drives me nuts.
Here’s where it gets tricky. A few weeks ago, my mom mentioned that I “really should” invite Lisa to the wedding, even though I didn’t initially plan to. I told my mom that I was keeping the guest list tight and that it was more about the vibe of the event.
I didn’t think it would be an issue since Lisa and I aren’t close. But my mom started pushing, saying that if I didn’t invite Lisa, it would be “super awkward” for Steve and that “family is important.”
I still didn’t budge, and my mom seemed to accept it.
However, I was talking to Steve yesterday, and he brought up the wedding. He casually mentioned that Lisa was upset she wasn’t invited, and that it was “weird” that she was left out when she’s been his partner for a year. He said that it would mean a lot to him if I reconsidered.
I told him I didn’t want to cause drama, but I just didn’t feel comfortable inviting someone I don’t get along with to my wedding. He got kind of quiet and then said, “I guess I’ll just skip the wedding, then,” and walked off.
Now, I’m feeling conflicted. I don’t want to lose my brother over this, but I also don’t think it’s my responsibility to make space for someone who isn’t really part of my life, especially on such a personal day.”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. You’re right, your wedding should be about you, but it’s reasonable for your brother to expect a plus one if it’s his partner of over a year. She’s not going to be sitting near you at the reception so it doesn’t matter if she interrupts anyone.
Let her, and let others draw their own conclusions when she does. She hasn’t done anything terrible from your comments, she’s just not your cup of tea. I wouldn’t choose this hill to die on. It’s not a distant relative demanding a plus one. There’s nothing egregious about her, and the ramifications of not inviting her will damage your relationship with your brother for a long time.
Are you really willing to do that?” PersimmonBasket
Another User Comments:
“When you make choices like this (which of course you are entitled to do so), you can’t expect everyone else (or your brother in this case) to like the choice you make. You’re responsible for your choices.
His response and choice is to decline the invite, which is a valid response. Honestly, if I were him, I’d be the same. That said, if he did decide to come along solo, do you think he would come along in the best of spirits?
Life is often about compromise. You need to ask yourself: on the day and after the event, which would you have regretted more, her being there, or your brother not being there? When you make your choice, though, you have to live with the choice you make including everything that follows.
Life is not easy.” spoodleflurp
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Look, you don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want to your wedding, but honestly, do you really lack that much awareness in life that not inviting your actual brother’s partner, who he has been seeing for a year, was going to be something that your brother just shrugged off?
Like, come on? You have to ask yourself: is having her there really worth losing the relationship you have with your brother over, which you kind of have already started anyway. These are the types of things that make siblings estranged for years and years.
If it’s worth it to you, then dig your heels in. But not inviting my brother’s partner because she is kind of loud and interrupts people when talking wouldn’t be worth losing him over. Up to you, though.” Imaginary_Panic9583
13. AITJ For Forgetting To Dispose Of A Nut-Contaminated Salad That Put My Coworker At Risk?
“I work in an office with about 15 other people as an admin. Our jobs are to support the doctors who work in the office.
We have about 20 of them in the office.
One of my coworkers is severely allergic to peanuts and all tree nuts, so we have a rule that you can’t bring those into the office under any circumstances. Their allergy is bad enough that they carry an Epi-pen with them everywhere they go.
The other day, one of the doctors brought us food from a meeting they attended. It was a bag of sandwiches and two large salads. I was helping to take them to the kitchen when I noticed one of the salads had walnuts in it.
I told one of my coworkers, and she said someone should take it home as opposed to having it out to share, due to the allergy.
I should have gone to another floor and disposed of it immediately. Instead, and this is where I might be the jerk, I said I’d take it home.
So I put a giant, bright blue post-it on the container that said “don’t open” with my name, and put it in the fridge.
Unfortunately, I had an emergency come up and had to leave work early. It caused me to forget the salad, and I wasn’t going to be back in the office the following day either.
So I texted two other coworkers and told them about the salad and told them one of them should take it home.
Yesterday I was working from home and got a message from the coworker who had the allergy. They asked if I had left the note in the salad.
I explained, “Yes, but I wasn’t the one who brought it in, and I had meant to take it home.” My coworker then told me they had, for some reason, grabbed the salad and now they had to take Benadryl. I apologized profusely, but they were obviously very upset and did wind up leaving work early.
Later that day, our boss sent out an email reminding everyone that nuts of any kind, in any form, are forbidden at work and that everyone deserves a safe work environment. This email only went out to all of my coworkers, and not to any of the doctors, which I don’t feel was fair.
I feel terrible I didn’t throw the salad away, but AITJ for not doing so?”
Another User Comments:
“Info: coworker is severely allergic to the point of carrying an Epi-pen everywhere but in this case only needed some antihistamine. When you say she grabbed it, do you mean she ate it?
Or was she in the fridge, moving things around and touched the container that was maybe cross-contaminated? You’re at least partially the jerk because as soon as you put your name on it, it did in fact become your salad and your responsibility. If a coworker accidentally touched it, then definitely YTJ.
If they ate it then ESH because who eats a salad with someone else’s name on it, especially if you have allergies?” Killingtime_4
Another User Comments:
“This just feels like a series of, “sorry I forgot” from the whole staff. 1.) You did not bring the salad, so it’s not your problem.
2.) You did choose to make it yours when you put a note on it, BUT… 3.)…why did your coworker pick up food that’s not theirs??? Now it’s their problem. 4.) You told 2 other people they could take it home. Why didn’t one of them throw it out?
You forgot to take home something that wasn’t even yours. That’s easy to forget. NTJ. I don’t think it’s any ONE person’s fault (though, arguably, the one apparently stealing other people’s salads). What’s done is done, as long as they don’t try to actively blame you for it later.” Crazy_District_5502
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – she didn’t eat it, she touched it. That is all that was required because the person preparing the salad touched the nuts, and then cross-contaminated the packaging with the allergen. Imagine I’ve coated a soda can with a substance that is absorbed through the skin and kills in less than 15 minutes.
I placed the can in the communal fridge with a post-it note that says “Do Not Touch!” on the can, but your lunch is stored in the fridge behind the can. Would you move the can out of the way to get your lunch if you didn’t know it was coated in poison?
That’s what happened here. There weren’t supposed to be nuts in the building in order to prevent cross-contaminating surfaces. Somebody broke the rules. OP made it worse by putting the contaminated package in the communal refrigerator.” No-Procedure5991
12. AITJ For Lashing Out At My Crush For Spreading Rumors?
“I (17M) have had a crush on my friend ‘Pam’ (17f) for some time now. I always figured that if I confessed, the worst that could happen would be rejection. I did not even get a chance to confess. My other friend decided to tell her on my behalf, something she did without consulting me, mind you.
And it turns out Pam thought I was gay because I watch Bridgerton and enjoy it enough to buy all the books. She said, ‘The only reason to watch the show is to check out the Duke and the Viscount.’
As if my crush thinking I’m gay isn’t bad enough, she also told a few of our mutual friends, who frequently engage in gossip, that I’m gay.
I’ve already had to deal with two false rumors about myself at school: that my dad took part in a deeply unpopular coup d’état and that I’m Cambodian because of my dark skin. It took months to convince people that my dad had already been discharged before the coup, and some of my classmates still question my ethnicity.
Unlike most people here in my country, I do not hate Cambodians, but I do not want to be mistaken for one either, just out of a desire to avoid harassment.
She knew about those rumors and how they affected me. So I snapped at the prospect of a potential third rumor.
Nothing against gay people; I just don’t want to deal with any more crap. I just want a peaceful final year of high school before heading off to university. I asked her, ‘Did it ever occur to you that I might have been checking out Daphne and Kate?
Or did you forget to use your brain to think?’
Pam said there was no need to be so rude and hostile, and that it was simply a mistake.”
Another User Comments:
“If it weren’t for the whole outing of you as gay to people behind your back, you certainly would be the jerk.
But that’s what happened. Could you have handled it better? Sure. But everyone is going to have a reaction to people spreading rumors about their sexuality. Even more so if they actually are gay and some girl is outing them before they’re ready to have that information out in the world.
She is going to mess someone’s life up like that at some point. People lose families, jobs, social standing, sometimes their lives over crap like that. Which is why we let them tell their own secrets in their own time.” Extension_Spare3019
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I used to work with a guy and we were close enough to be considered friends. Other people would ask me behind his back if he was gay. He fit multiple “stereotypes” for a gay man, but as he never told me himself, I adamantly denied it.
“He hasn’t told me, so no!” “I dunno, ask him!” (He personally did come out as gay down the road.) It’s a jerk move to assume a truth about someone else and pass that information on, especially something so big as someone being gay and it not being common knowledge and you taking it upon yourself to notify the world.
Just because a man likes what some consider traditionally a “woman’s thing,” it doesn’t make him anything other than a person who likes what he likes. Bridgerton, crochet, nail polish, pink, examples, etc. People try gendering things so hard. Stop trying to put people in a box.
What she did was wrong. Maybe you could have corrected her calmly, but I think it was a big enough blunder to justify a brash reaction. One should never assume so hard, and especially never share said assumptions.” spirited_miche
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I was going to say everyone was a jerk, but Pam’s behavior trumps you lashing out, as—forget about being misread by your crush—Pam was spreading rumors that you were gay.
You would have had more moral high ground if you had said something without making it personal with “forgot to use your brain.” This is understandable when you were hurt not just by your crush thinking you were gay, but also by her spreading it as gossip.
Pam, on the other hand, is more of a jerk; she is straying into being a giant jerk in my opinion. If anyone is gay, spreading rumors about them before they are ready to come out is hurtful and, in worst-case scenarios, very damaging. For a 17-year-old, you were pretty well-regulated, and as long as you didn’t shout or swear, I guess implying she did not use her brain is pretty mild; other people will probably vote with their comments if they think it was too vicious, though.
Good choice on the books, though—I found them laugh out loud in parts, better than TV. Also, you may have dodged a bad choice on Pam.” gelfbo
11. AITJ For Criticizing A Teacher And Not Apologizing?
“I (18f) was with my friends at her house in a group study session, trying to go through our homework before we ordered dinner. One of my friends is majoring in criminology with me, and a part of our assignment was a passage about a teacher who did bad things to one of her students.
This caused my friend, who double majors in Education and Social Work, to go out on a rant about crappy teachers in our district and how a lot of the issues in our district would be solved if it actually cared about what teachers they hired. And this turned into a huge story fest rambling about bad teachers we’ve had.
I started rambling about a teacher I had in elementary school who absolutely sucked, and despite the current situation, I still stand by that assessment. The things she would do affected my mental health even in the years that followed, and it made her a pretty memorably bad part of my childhood.
I told my friends after finishing that story, “Mrs. Teacher was a jerk to me, lowkey. Probably to others too. And I hope she gets her crap together; for her students’ sake and her own.” One of my other friends, ‘Cassidy’, said in response, “Oh, (Teacher’s full name here)?
Really?” Which I confirmed. All Cassidy said was “Ah, darn.” before another person started talking about their experience with a separate teacher.
Apparently, Cassidy is best friends with that teacher’s daughter. And a few days later, Cassidy told both her and her mom what I said word for word.
From what I understand, her mom doesn’t remember me at all (which makes sense in reality, because this was about 10 years ago). Her daughter, ‘Aubrey’, I guess took this as evidence that I was lying and found my Instagram to start cussing me out in my inbox, saying I was a “drama-starting jerk who was running a smear campaign on a grown woman” and implying that she wanted to meet up and argue (and more) in person.
I told her I was not going to apologize for what I said since all of it was true, even if everything I said was never meant as a dig at her or her mom personally. Instead, I apologized if my words could be interpreted as a personal attack, even though I only meant to say that when I was in school, she was a bad teacher and a supposed role model.
The argument went on, though, and at some point, I gave up and said something along the lines of “If you have such a problem with me saying that your mom was a crappy teacher, maybe you should be mad at your mom for being a bad teacher instead of getting mad at the kids she mentally mistreated,” before blocking her.
Cassidy and some of our friends think I’m a jerk for this, saying I should have simply apologized instead of standing my ground so we could move on with our lives. Our other friends believe I had every right to stand my ground, saying I can say she sucked as a teacher if she did, whether they like it or not.
And that is not something I should apologize for, especially if her daughter came into my inbox first insulting me.
AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you were sharing your personal experiences with a group of classmates. This would have gone nowhere further if Cassidy hadn’t chosen to tell her friend and the crappy teacher.
That the teacher’s daughter is so offended that the truth makes her mom look bad is something she should take up with her mom, and you were perfectly justified in standing your ground. You had a complete stranger (to you) track you down to verbally abuse you for talking about the verbal abuse her mom directed at you.
Sounds like she and her mom are two peas in a pod. Side note: what the heck is the importance of you talking about “a grown woman” in this chick’s mind? That’s such a weird way to say it. If anything, the fact that she’s a “grown woman” and you were a child makes it worse!” RivSilver
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The fact that the teacher doesn’t remember you is not surprising. She’s had between 300 and 2000 students since then, depending on if she taught elementary or high school. Teachers tend to remember only the best and worst students, the teacher’s pets, and the teacher’s nightmare.
Aubrey took her mother’s lack of memory as proof of you lying. Which is ridiculous and I doubt her mom would argue the point. Your perception and experience are yours. No one can say your feelings were “incorrect.” The only thing I would suggest is that instead of saying “she was a bad teacher” you could say “I did not feel valued or helped in her class.” Which no one can argue.” 1962Michael
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While it’s understandable that Cassidy might feel protective over her best friend’s mom, you were speaking from your own personal experience, and it’s clear that this teacher negatively impacted you. You didn’t make a personal attack on her daughter or family; you simply shared how this teacher made you feel, which is your right.
That said, it was probably unnecessary to escalate things further by responding harshly to Aubrey. However, your original statement wasn’t an attack, and you shouldn’t have to apologize for expressing your feelings about someone who harmed you. As for the others saying you should’ve apologized, you’re not in the wrong for standing your ground, especially after being insulted.” DiligentGoat2406
10. AITJ For Not Letting My Mom Pick My Dates?
“I’m a 22f and I don’t have a partner yet. I’ve never had a real one. This has caused me pain in the past, but it seems to cause my mother more. She is forevermore trying to pass me off to anything resembling a boy.
She parades me in front of our next-door neighbors’ house because they have a son my age. She won’t let me go outside until she’s approved my outfit and changed my hair if she doesn’t like it. She’ll take off my jackets or unzip clothing to make it more revealing.
I’ve told her over and over again that I’m not interested and to leave me alone, but she says that I can’t know if I’m interested or not until I’ve been involved with him intimately.
My younger sister is seeing someone and recently told me that my mom regularly threatens her and insists that she help her pressure me into seeing someone whomever my mom is interested in at the time.
If my sister doesn’t pressure me, my mom says she’ll keep her from seeing her partner.
Today at church she was trying to get my sister to encourage me to go talk to a guy that was clearly far too young for me and almost certainly a minor.
When we got home, she made me take off my jacket and walk near the neighbor’s house with her. I suppose this was because the shirt has revealing sleeves.
I might also add that this neighbor is not friendly to me, nor am I to him.
We don’t talk. Our parents do, though, and my mom can’t take no for an answer.
I have told her repeatedly recently that she needs to mind her own business and stay out of my romantic life. She was livid and told me that I’d be forever alone with that attitude.
She does not respect any boundaries I have and does her best to control the image I put forth around guys she thinks are a good option, which at this point is quite literally any male.
I haven’t found anyone I’m attracted to yet and I feel like I have time, but she clearly doesn’t agree.
It’s getting to the point that it’s affecting our day-to-day relationship. We’ve argued several times, and each time she cracks down and keeps me more under control. She refuses to treat me like an adult and ultimately blames me for being single. She believes that I must see someone whether I like it or not, and she’s willing to put the action behind it.
I don’t know. Am I the jerk for being tired of being shown off to people I’m not interested in?”
Another User Comments:
“Do you have a source of income she can’t access, and/or is anything keeping you from working? Because your mom’s behavior isn’t normal or healthy, and you NEED to establish space between the two of you, physically and emotionally.
Getting out of her house would do both. You’re 22. You have all the time you want to figure out what you want in a partner if you want one at all. I don’t know if you’ve read Pride and Prejudice, but your mom is Mrs. Bennett, and that’s not a compliment.
She doesn’t need to marry you off, and you have the right to make choices for yourself. NTJ and I really hope you find your own voice. You’re grown. Her obsessions are her problem.” 30Helenssayscrewoff
Another User Comments:
“I didn’t have a date until I was 22 and I didn’t have a relationship until I was 26.
My partner and I are as happy as we could be, but if we met when we were 20 or even 22 our relationship would never have worked out. We were wildly different people then. My sister started seeing someone young (15 I think?) and has had many partners.
She’s married now, but every relationship before him was dramatic, toxic, and ended poorly. I think she felt pressured to see someone since she was pretty and popular in high school. Not saying that seeing someone young is always bad, or that seeing someone later is better, but what matters is that you’re ready.
The first guy I saw was NOT for me, but I felt I was too old to never have gone out with anyone and made myself see him a couple more times. Don’t let your mom pressure you into seeing someone before you’re ready. You’ll find someone you truly connect with, but only if you’re given the space to discover it for yourself.
You are so young still, you have 60+ years to do everything!” no_worries_man8
9. AITJ For Asking My Roommate To Clean Up Their Dishes Before Leaving?
“My roommate is going away for several months. For months, I have been the one who cleans the entire apartment. I work from home, and they stay in their room, but the kitchen is obviously one of the shared spaces, and I am still the one who ends up doing the sweeping, mopping, wiping, etc.
They often leave their dishes in the sink for days before washing them, and the same goes for clearing their dishes off the rack. I have spoken to them about this before, and they have gotten better. But still, it is disrespectful to continuously leave a few dishes behind, especially having to ask if they can just rinse the sink out with all the food left behind when they do get around to it.
A few items will always be left behind when they clear the rack, but I have just let it go at this point because they will just end up using them again, especially if they are using their own kitchenware.
They told me they were doing a massive clean before they left, but I realized this morning that only meant cleaning their room and bathroom.
I woke up early to ask if they could clear the dish rack of all their day-old dishes before they left since they had left dishes for days before without ensuring all their stuff is put away. I asked if they could put their dishes away before heading to the airport, and they immediately froze and got really worked up.
“Bro, can you do it? I’m literally about to leave, and I’m doing my last bit of packing. I’m about to run out the door. Is that a problem for you to just do?”
I said, “Sorry, I didn’t know how much time you had,” and said sure I could put them away for you, but I hated myself in that moment for agreeing.
Their reaction made it seem like I was being unreasonable in asking that they take care of their stuff before leaving for months. I have bad anxiety about speaking up about things that are bothering me out of fear that it will escalate, even if I know the onus is on the other person.
I’m understanding of your time crunch, but it also bothered me knowing that you had a whole two days to do this one thing and now your chore is put on me to do for you again. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You sound like a huge pushover, and the roommate is taking advantage of you.
You need to put a stop to it now. DO NOT put these dishes away. Put them in your roommate’s room, get your own dishes, and never clean a single thing of theirs again. When they return, have a conversation with them. Tell them they have two options: 1.
You continue cleaning, and they pay you as a housekeeper to do their chores for them. 2. You get a bin that you will dump all their dirty dishes into and leave in their room for them to clean at their leisure. You get your own dishes, and you keep them in your room.
Don’t share anything in the kitchen with them. You’re a pushover, but you’re NTJ at all. It’s time to grow a backbone though” ThePhilV
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you are wrong to want that, but I also don’t think they are being a jerk.
To me, it seems to be more of a mismatch on cleaning styles. You say you are anxious about communicating, and when you did say something, they improved. It sounds to me like they generally attempt to do what you ask. If you have a particular way you like things done and your roommate has a different way of viewing it, then the both of you need to sit down, talk it out, and come to a compromise before it reaches a sticking point.
Him leaving dishes is kind of rude, but you springing your expectations at the last second is also kind of rude. When he gets back, have a talk, set up some house rules, and then you won’t have to tiptoe around. Also, when establishing these rules, be willing to compromise and realize you won’t get 100% of what you want.” Kateshellybo
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re not a jerk for expecting them to put their things away, but they are not jerks for pushing back against this request, since it was ‘last minute.’ Generally speaking, when you live with other people (whether family or roommates), you have to adjust to varying levels of attention to detail or even caring about whether something is done correctly.
You may think they are being lazy or trying to put the work on you, but really they just don’t see a problem. My mother cared a lot about having the dishes put away. Now she is 88 and lives alone, and I swear she only uses the dishes and utensils from the drying rack—the same two plates, bowls, forks, and spoons over and over.
Sink to rack to table to sink, without ever seeing the cupboard. And there’s nothing wrong with that because she lives alone. If they are going to be gone for months, it won’t be much work for you to move a few items out of the rack.
Then you can enjoy an empty dish rack for months to come.” 1962Michael
8. AITJ For Uninviting My Aunt From My 40th Birthday Trip?
“I used to work in the tourism industry and would get awesome travel discounts for myself and a companion. In 2019, I traveled with my aunt, and we had a great time.
We’re close—we talk almost daily—so traveling together felt natural. But in 2020, I changed jobs and lost those discounts, which led me to start planning big trips every five years to make them extra special.
I just turned 39 and began organizing my 40th birthday trip, set for next year.
Originally, I suggested places like Iceland or a cruise. My aunt vetoed them all, saying she wanted a ship with a casino (not my thing). Eventually, she seemed okay with a multi-city Europe trip—London, Amsterdam, parts of Germany, Switzerland, and Paris. My sister liked those destinations but didn’t want a motorcoach tour, so I decided on a train-based itinerary.
I also invited other friends/family to join whichever legs they liked, since I’m paying full price now.
The conflict started when my mom mentioned that my aunt told her I must be “off my meds” for dreaming up such a plan. Here’s where it stings: I have bipolar II, diagnosed 12 years ago.
I take medication and follow personal rules against impulsive decisions—I won’t jump into something major without months of thought. This trip is more than a year away, so there’s nothing rash about it. But my family sometimes attributes any emotional moment on my part to me being “unstable,” while my sister can have a bad day and get full sympathy.
I’m upset that my aunt gossiped about my mental health, especially since I’ve asked her not to share my private details. She’s done it before, but this time calling me “off my meds” felt disrespectful and hurtful. Now I’m thinking of uninviting her from the trip altogether.
On the one hand, it feels harsh because we’ve traveled together and I wanted everyone to have the option to join. On the other hand, this is my birthday trip, I’m covering my own costs, and I don’t want to spend time with someone who dismisses my well-managed condition as “crazy.”
So, WIBTJ if I told my aunt she’s no longer welcome on my 40th birthday trip after she made those comments? Or should I just let it slide, knowing she’ll gossip anyway?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I think you are a bit too accommodating and trying to corral too many people with their own preferences.
Turn this all back on her: Let your aunt know that her comment hurt you, you can’t imagine why she’d do it other than disliking that the trip isn’t a casino cruise, and you understand why she can’t be part of the trip.
Maybe next time. That gives her the opportunity to either apologize or to become defensive thereby removing herself. Anything negative she says you turn back on her and use it as justification for why she isn’t going on your trip and you aren’t including her in any of your plans.
Her: “You’re being overly sensitive.” You: “Maybe next time we can travel together after I get over being insulted behind my back.” Her: “What I said wasn’t a big deal.” You: “Maybe insulting people isn’t a big deal to you, but it won’t make for a fun trip.
No point on traveling with people who don’t enjoy each other’s company.”” BeeJackson
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like you’re only being “unstable” about this trip because of constant changes being demanded by family because they don’t like your choices, and you – understandably – perhaps getting upset and frustrated about that?
It’s your birthday, your trip, your choice of destinations/activities – of course you want family and friends to enjoy the trip, and you are being adaptable to some of that. Ultimately the decision is yours and if people are going to be offensive about your choices then tell them they don’t have to come, easy as.
Personally – I loathe long motor coach trips, I’m fine with trains, so that feels like a reasonable compromise for you to make. The destination feels like a more important thing to stand your ground on. Facilities that aren’t really related to travel comfort and are more activity-based – again, YOUR preferences count most. If someone is so attached to gambling that they won’t come unless there is a casino, and you’re not bothered by the lack of that facility – tough crap.
Your aunt has a year to apologize, if she does not do so by the time the deadline for bookings/payments has arrived then I would definitely tell her she’s not welcome, you want to enjoy your birthday without feeling like someone is there ‘under protest’.
NTJ, and I would suggest some therapy to help you draw the boundaries with your family around “I might have a mental illness, I am still an adult with full capacity, the right to make my own choices and the right to some reasonable respect.
You wouldn’t tell a random person in a shop or whatever that they must be ‘off their meds’, how is it acceptable to say that to a member of your own family who you claim to care about?”” TeenySod
Another User Comments:
“Or you could just have a talk with her about how what she said hurt you.
That seems like the obvious first step. I’ll be honest, the trip you described does sound crazy to me, not in a mental health way but more in a way that’s a lot of places to go while letting attendees come and go as they please.
Crazy chaotic. If I planned that and someone called me ‘off my meds’ I wouldn’t be offended because I’d know it was a lot. However, I don’t have your history or condition. I also realize that things that may be water off a duck’s back to me may hurt another person deeply.
You have apparently gotten along well with your aunt for a long time. Talk to her about it. In all likelihood she wasn’t trying to reference your actual medical problems but more the chaos of the plan. Off your meds is a pretty common phrase in these situations, doesn’t make saying it right but she didn’t say it to you and she probably didn’t mean it the way you have taken it.
A conversation may do wonders here, especially if you have had no other issues in this space.” throwAWweddingwoe
7. AITJ For Cutting Off Loaning Money To A Friend Who Manipulates With Tragedy?
“I’m a 38-year-old physically disabled male currently living in a group home until I can regain my mobility and independence.
Over the past year or so, I’ve developed a friendship with another resident who isn’t great at managing his money. I’m the type of guy who likes helping people, and people come to me seeking advice or at least support. During that time, I loaned him about $600.
He’d make some payments, but he would often ask for that amount back within a week. I eventually put my foot down and stopped loaning him money.
Then, one of his three daughters was killed, and then the second died from an illness. I gave him more money in loans and gifts to help him during these extraordinary times.
I probably loaned him about $150 and gave him $100 for travel to see his family and help with a headstone and flowers.
A week ago, his last remaining daughter’s son died, and I gave him another $110 loan for travel and funeral expenses, but he still wants more.
I’m on a fixed income right now, and I probably will be for at least the next year and a half. I’ve basically written this money off in my mind, but I feel I can’t just keep throwing money at him. Right now, he wants money for dress clothes, or he says he won’t go to his grandson’s services.
It’s tearing his daughter up, and it feels like the emotional blackmail he’s used against me before when he keeps telling me that a true friend would help.
My family says that I’m in the right for cutting him off, but it hurts my heart.
I just need people who are unconnected to the situation to give me their opinion.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – What did he wear to the other funerals? This is definitely manipulation – ‘or says he won’t go to his grandson’s services’ – that is not your responsibility.
If he wants to go to honor his grandson, the clothes certainly are not the most important part. You have already given money towards his ability to attend. If he chooses not to go because of clothing, and not because he is unable to go, that is a choice he is making.
That should not be on your conscience.” Low-Force7083
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell them that as a matter of personal policy, you won’t consider lending more money until all of the previous loans are paid back. It’s telling that his family won’t pay his travel expenses.
If I’m reading it correctly, he still has a surviving daughter. There’s no need for a new outfit for every funeral. Ask to see the obituary. Accept that you are not his true friend to shut down his guilt-tripping. Tell him, ‘You’re right, I am not your true friend.’ I don’t say that to be mean to you, but you are just two people in the same group home due to unfortunate circumstances.
You could turn it around on him and say that true friends don’t burden their friends with every problem that they have, expecting them to pay the cost of solving the problem, but find independent solutions and pay their own way. Every cent that you lose to his problems delays your move-out date.
You need your money for deposits on an apartment, not his funeral attendance. Is there a case worker to whom you can speak about this?” No_Philosopher_1870
Another User Comments:
“Do you have dates and amounts written down? If not, consider doing that. It will put it into perspective how much you have loaned. Tell him the amounts and the total. Ask him when he plans to pay back what he already owes.
Yes, you need to write that money off, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still hold him accountable by not lending more. You need to care about yourself and stop lending him money. If you need money, do you think he’ll step up? The answer is no. He won’t help.
I would also question the validity of all those deaths, and if true, his daughter can come up with the money or another relative.” Huge-Shelter-3401
6. AITJ For Not Driving My Dad To His Cabin?
“My dad got a DWI last year and has to have a breathalyzer in his car that he has to blow into two times a day.
He’s doing very well and has been sober since the incident.
However, he has an off-the-grid cabin a few hours away from our house. His license is suspended and he can only drive if it’s to go to work, so he can’t drive himself up to the cabin.
He loves his cabin, so I agreed to take him up there when I can. It’s my first time trying to take him up there today and, before we leave the house, his car battery is drained, we think, from the machine and the car won’t start.
I also have to blow into the breathalyzer just to drive his car. (This is court-ordered; there’s a camera on it. I’m not blowing it for him.) And I have problems with blowing correctly into it. Also, it goes off randomly when driving for about 15 minutes, so I have to blow into it while driving.
This is too much for me. I wouldn’t mind blowing into it, but he’s trying to get his car started right now and I just don’t think I’m comfortable taking his car up a mountain off the grid miles away from other people if we’re having trouble with his battery and getting his car started.
He’s very irritated and I’m scared to tell him no. Would I be the jerk if I told him I’m not driving him up there? We have to take his car too because he has to blow into it two times a day regardless.”
Another User Comments:
“Your dad got a DWI. That was very bad judgment on his part. It wasn’t a mistake – it was poor thinking. The DWI means he doesn’t get to do everything he wants to do, including going to the cabin he loves. Listen: he could have KILLED SOMEONE driving intoxicated. And for imposing that risk on other people, who hadn’t done anything wrong, part of his punishment is maybe not getting to do things he loves for a while.
Don’t take him to the cabin. Stick up for yourself. NTJ if you don’t take him, but you definitely will be the jerk if you do. Maybe once he’s off probation, he will think hard about the next time he wants to drive intoxicated.” PlanningVigilante
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Solving the car reliability problem might be as simple as replacing his car’s battery. When was it last replaced? Having a breathalyzer installed shouldn’t be a continual drain on his car’s battery if it was installed correctly. Even so, it’s also good to have a car battery charger, which costs around $100.
By taking him to the cabin, you’re also stuck there for however long because the breathalyzer has to stay with him. I doubt that he’d want to be driven for hours one way and then stay there only a few hours. You’re committing to a couple of days most likely.
Having your license taken away is a punishment. He will be inconvenienced. He’s lucky that he isn’t spending his weekends in jail, as some people who get jail time for their DWI/DUI do. If he can’t provide you with a reliable car and monitoring that meets the court’s standards, too bad for him.
You will have to have the court approve the use of the portable breathalyzer kit. In any case, your father isn’t going anywhere out of town today. Having random chimes or alarms go off to make the driver blow into the breathalyzer is a form of distracted driving.
I’d guess that the time is set based on how far he lives from work, and the court’s intent is that he stays home while he isn’t working or getting groceries or going to a doctor’s appointment.” No_Philosopher_1870
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if you tell him you are not willing to go to the cabin with him under those circumstances.
He can look at getting his battery replaced if it’s getting old, and he can talk to his lawyer about whether he is allowed to travel and if so, how that works with the car. (i.e. can he legally go to the cabin if you drive in your own car and his is left behind – it may be that he can if he takes a portable breathalyzer or if he clears it with the court in advance.) You can suggest he makes inquiries about those things, but it is not your responsibility to do them for him.
It’s reasonable for him to deal with the inconveniences, etc., which come with driving under the influence. He’s lucky he is allowed to drive at all, and if genuinely means that he can’t go away at present then so be it.” ProfessorYaffle1
5. AITJ For Refusing To Share Life Insurance Money With My Step-Siblings?
“I (late 30s) have several older siblings and step-siblings. My mom married their dad when I was very young.
Our dad passed several years ago, and my mom had early dementia. Afterward, she lived with my two eldest siblings for three and a half years. They were her primary caregivers. One sibling and I live out of state, but we helped with her physical care when we could, and also financially.
When my siblings could no longer care for her at home, we struggled with the decision but moved her into a memory care home where she lived until her passing.
When our dad passed, we liquidated their major assets and used the funds for care costs.
His possessions were divided, but many high-value tools, etc., went to his children. We were all okay with that. We knew that my mom had taken out a term life insurance policy in the early 2000s, and thought it was 40 or 50 thousand. At that time she designated my dad as a 40% beneficiary and her children as each 12%.
We renewed the policy when the term was up.
Her assets were quickly consumed by the care center since it cost almost $7,000 a month. When she ran out of money, one sibling and I covered most of the rest, with the others giving what they could afford.
One step-sibling contributed a couple of hundred dollars at one time, and the others did not respond or contribute at all. I believe they visited her once or twice near the very end, and occasionally when she still lived at the houses but never helped with her care.
Here’s where it gets tricky. The policy was much more than we expected. Since our dad had passed, his share was equally divided between each of the other beneficiaries, i.e., my siblings and I. We planned to pay everyone back for what they had contributed to her care and for the funeral, and then divide the rest between us.
We were going to give each step-sibling a lesser amount as well, but worried that it could cause discord if they found out they didn’t get as much. So they wanted to keep it all between us. I pushed for an equal split. They argue that the step-siblings did not help at all with her care, while the two oldest siblings spent years caring for her almost every single day with some help from the rest of us, and that she didn’t put them as beneficiaries when she was very much in her right mind.
I’ve argued that our dad would’ve wanted it equally split between all of us (he and my mom tried to be very fair and really did a lot for our step-siblings).
So would we be the jerks if we didn’t give any money from her policy to our step-siblings?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you need to follow your mom’s wishes. She did not leave the funds to them for a reason. They are not entitled to it. They wanted nothing to do with Mom while she was here, they are not entitled and do not deserve to benefit from your loss/her passing.
It is okay not to share this money. It is okay to do what your mom wanted and follow her wishes. She made you all the beneficiaries while she was of sound mind, years ago. She knew who your steps were as people even back then.
Follow your mother’s wishes, you trusted her in life, so follow her requests in death. I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my mom years ago and it still hurts every day.” MrsNobodyspecial67
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Before the money is divided, anyone who cared for your mother should be reimbursed for their time and funds contributed. Your siblings who contributed years of caregiving need to be paid for that.
Anyone who covered the payments to her care facility should be reimbursed as well. After everyone is reimbursed, you should follow your mother’s stated wishes, which were: that the remainder of what is left from the life insurance policy is to be divided equally among her five children.
This isn’t about what YOU think is fair or right. It is about carrying out your mother’s stated last wishes for her estate. You are one of the five children who will inherit. If YOU wish to take your 20% of the remainder of the life insurance policy and divide your portion only equally among you and your stepsiblings, that is entirely up to you as it would be your money at that point.
But no, it would not be fair to take the money that should go to your siblings and divide it up, as that is not what your mother directed when she was of sound mind.” dragonsandvamps
Another User Comments:
“I find this a bit confusing.
But my understanding is that your dad’s bio kids benefitted more financially than the stepkids when he died by receiving expensive tools. Your mother’s care used up the remainder of the inheritance with her bio kids paying extra and providing physical care. Your mother’s insurance does not include her stepkids as beneficiaries.
So, you’re asking if you should add them. No. Both legally and morally, you have no obligation to include them. Although during their marriage, your parents treated all kids the same – that was not the case after your father died. Your mother gave her stepkids tools that were part of her inheritance.
When she was subsequently in need of assistance and financial support, it was her bio kids and not her stepkids who significantly helped. It doesn’t matter that her husband originally was a 40% beneficiary. That ended with his death and is irrelevant. Legally, the insurance is split between the remaining beneficiaries.
If your stepsibs had contributed as the bio kids did, then a moral argument could be made to include them. They didn’t, so that’s moot. Now, if you have bio siblings who were able but chose not to help your mother, then they still have a legal right to any money, but morally they deserve it less than the bio siblings who helped your mother.
I believe that this type of insurance payment may be legally treated differently than her estate. I don’t know if you can legally redistribute the funds or take money out to repay funds used to support your mother. You may want to consult with a lawyer.
It may be that any changes other than 100% distribution must be agreed upon by all beneficiaries. NTJ.” Mermaidtoo
4. AITJ For Resenting My Father Returning And My Mom Threatening Me Over My Feelings?
“My parents had me when they were in high school. Personally, I don’t think that they were prepared for a child, but they decided to keep me. When I was young, my father left our lives, and I still don’t fully know why.
I just know that it was a mutual understanding and there was no court involvement, so I’ve never had much closure. Then, 13 years later, he suddenly comes back into the picture. I was obviously confused and felt like it was too late. I’d been fine without him, and I didn’t need him, but I eventually accepted him.
Shortly after, my parents got back together; my mom had another baby with him—a girl. I love her. She’s sweet, innocent, and I want the best for her. But deep down, I can’t shake this resentment about the circumstances of her birth. I feel like my father came back into my life just to start over with her.
What about me? He’s just going to waltz back into my life and then get a retry with a new kid? What about me? That’s why I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have a “normal” relationship with my sister because I can’t escape those feelings of resentment and anger towards my father.
Tonight, I tried to talk to my mom about how I was feeling. I wanted her to understand that my feelings aren’t about my sister—I love her, but the situation just feels so complicated. Instead of hearing me out, my mom exploded. She started attacking me, saying things like how badly she raised me and even threatening to kick me out.
She won’t consider my suggestion of therapy, won’t listen to my texts, and now I’m left feeling even more alone. I’m worried that if she follows through on her threats, I’ll have nowhere to turn. What about my future? I need to go to school and I have a job I want to keep!
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your parents are, and the fact you seriously claim to still love them makes me worried about how little self-respect your mother has raised you to have. You and your sister are the only innocent ones here, so if you have ANY resources (school counselor, etc.) put them to use and do what you can to seek therapy for yourself regarding your feelings for your sister.
As for your feelings about your parents, IMO they don’t even deserve your love and care, and if it were me, I’d secure independence ASAP and never speak to them afterward. Not just because your father up and left you, but primarily because of your mother’s attitude about your need for your parents to take accountability for their actions.
That’s a huge red flag and a highly negative influence on your well-being.” Crazydre95
Another User Comments:
“Claps for you for noticing something like this within yourself instead of lying about it. Forgiveness is for you, not the other person. You can always carry this with you or choose to face it; you have to pry yourself open and figure out what is really going on so you don’t take it out on those around you.
Like your sister. If your beef is with your father, then I believe you should sit down with him and express your feelings about him coming back, letting him know you’re worried about being pushed to the back. It’s important that you vocalize exactly what you’re feeling and what your intentions are in having the conversation and where you hope the conversation leads.
Also, make it clear that this is not an attack if you would like to have or maintain a good relationship with him. If that’s not possible or you don’t want to have a relationship with him and plan on dealing with this yourself (I recommend doing this regardless because I believe it will help), practice self-love.
Become understanding of the fact that he had things going on and couldn’t provide you with the love that you, as a child, needed (remember, they have their own lives too; personally, I wouldn’t have left my daughter behind, but we can’t make people’s choices for them).
Know that whatever love you feel like you’re missing, you can always give to yourself. You know yourself better than anyone. You know how you want to be loved, and even if you don’t, be open to trying different things. Appreciate yourself, give love to yourself, and to others around you like your sister, knowing what the absence of it feels like and not wanting to put that same energy on others.” Jinxxx_x
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are completely in the right for saying that to your mother. I do believe your mother was the one not emotionally prepared for that conversation. Her lashing out is not helpful, especially given the fact that you grew up without your father.
I believe the mother just doesn’t want your father to leave again and wants to avoid that type of situation for her and his relationship, which is why she exploded so aggressively. Your sister is not in the wrong for any of this, but I do believe that you, your mother, and your father should sit down or, in fact, go to therapy together for closure.
And if they don’t want to entertain therapy, I hope you find someone that you can open up to in order to help you heal. God bless.” Shesagoodtyper
3. AITJ For Highlighting I Didn’t Pay And Creating Strain On A Cabin Trip?
“I (24F) went on a trip with my partner (27M) and his friend (26M) along with his fiancée (25F). I was told the fiancée planned the cabin trip, and this was my first time meeting her, so upon meeting her I said, “Thanks for planning everything.” The cabin was so beautiful, with a great location and amenities, so it was a great choice on her part.
I’m gushing over her planning skills and asking for tips as I’m in charge of planning a trip with my partner in 5 weeks.
The fiancée casually mentions the price of the cabin and that it was a steal; I’m sure I was glad it was so cheap when split 4 ways.
I told her it didn’t make any difference, as I wasn’t paying anyway. She got quiet when I said that for a few minutes, but we resumed the good vibes, so I didn’t think anything of it.
The whole weekend, she’s giving her fiancé the cold shoulder (according to my partner); it turns into us three versus the friend, since she was hanging out with me most of the trip and my partner likes to be with me too.
It was so bad that she’d sit with us on the sofa and make the fiancé sit by himself in the recliner chair.
Every time I went to the hot tub, she went, or if we wanted to go on a morning walk, she would join us without waking her fiancé.
I didn’t notice anything weird since this was my first time meeting and interacting with them, so I didn’t understand how their relationship worked. I just thought maybe they weren’t affectionate.
Fast forward to today, my partner gets a call from his friend, upset that I told his fiancée I didn’t pay anything.
This apparently “ruined” his trip, as his fiancée felt (and said this in private to him) that she was embarrassed to be intimate with him or be affectionate with him in front of us since I’m so well taken care of by my partner and she doesn’t feel the same.
My partner was in shock and was mostly a listener, so he didn’t really defend me, but said that to keep the peace, he’d ask that I no longer discuss finances with his fiancée.
I said, “Okay,” but I was still wondering if I was the jerk to mention it on the trip.
Everyone had already paid; we were already there to have a good time, so maybe I should have just focused on that instead of who paid for what. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Different couples have different forms of contribution and relationship dynamics. Your partner’s friend and his fiancée need to be on the same page in regards to finances, which has nothing to do with you and your partner’s lifestyle.
You unintentionally highlighted an underlying issue in their relationship where their personal values don’t align. It wasn’t your intent to cause problems, but I suggest that in the future, avoid discussing finances because you would end up getting involved with their issues as a couple.” Key_Advance3033
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t deliberately set out to show the differences in how you and your partner handled the trip finances versus how they did — nor did you make any judgments on it. Couples manage their financial lives in different ways, and it’s between the couple to ensure they’re happy with it.
My husband and I (F) have been together for 27 years, and I’ve almost always earned more than him — in our twenties I would have paid for a trip like that. I never cared about that — he makes my life infinitely better in millions of other ways.
And now he tends to pay for all the holidays — we just split the expenses of our life according to our bank accounts at the time. My point is that it’s totally okay to have different models of finances between couples, but each couple needs to be happy with it.
You inadvertently brought up something in her relationship that she isn’t happy about — they need to work that out. The answer isn’t hiding from her that some men pay for their partner’s trip; it’s ensuring that she’s happy with how her own relationship works. They need to work it out now before they get married; financial transparency is important, or you build up resentment.
This has nothing to do with you; it’s between them. Absolutely NTJ.” Careful-Coffee280
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not only was the ‘I wouldn’t know, I wasn’t paying’ comment flagrantly inappropriate and tone-deaf, but it also doesn’t portend good things for your future with your partner.
You should care about how he’s spending his money as if you get married, you’ll want to be on the same page financially. I was privileged enough to have my parents pay for college, but when friends on financial aid or taking loans made comments about repaying loans, I just said something like ‘Haha, yeah, it really sucks’ and went along with it.
If they asked me point blank whether my parents had paid (if it was a close friend), I’d tell the truth, but I would never throw it in their faces the way you did. That said, the fiancé was also out of line. If she felt embarrassed to be intimate with him or display affection toward him because he wasn’t paying her whole portion, that’s on her.
It means she’s too easily offended and a drama queen. To be frank, both of you deserve each other. Hopefully, your partner and his friend move on to better women.” JWaltniz
2. AITJ For Telling My Ex To Manage His Child's School Information Himself?
“I split up with my ex almost 2 years ago. My child started school the same year. My ex was never too involved in our child’s educational needs – even when she was a toddler.
I handled it all myself.
My child’s school offers multiple apps and websites. You can be up to date with everything without ever having to contact anyone. I asked my ex repeatedly to get at least the main apps so that I don’t have to keep reminding him of important dates and our child’s progress.
He didn’t care.
Just a few examples:
– Whenever I asked to make a plan for any school break, he’d ask, “When is the school break?” I sent him links to the school website, but he couldn’t even be bothered to save a screenshot or make a note of the dates, so he’d ask again next time around too.
– He couldn’t be bothered to update his phone number in the school records, so the office couldn’t contact him during an emergency.
– I informed him about all parent-teacher meetings. He said he couldn’t make it and that it made sense for me to go because he didn’t know the teachers—even in September when neither of us knew the new teachers.
(Side note: He doesn’t work; I do, so I thought it was logical to have him attend so I wouldn’t have to take time off work to do so.)
– I’d send him any important dates—school plays, any shows, sports events, etc.—and he’d pick and choose the ones not involving much interaction.
Reading together on World Book Day was a no-go, but watching the kids race was okay, etc.
– I’d even invite him to events organized by any clubs my kid is in (clubs I organized and paid for myself), but he always had an excuse unless the events fell on “his weekends.” Even then, he’d sometimes ask me to swap the weekends.
I accepted it for over a year for the sake of peace. I wanted my kid to see her dad support her achievements too.
But it’s been so long, and I’m just tired of having to handle the responsibility and remember to give him updates about it.
It also felt like I was trying to make him involved when he clearly wasn’t interested. So, last autumn, I announced to him that it was on him to stay up to date with our child’s school stuff. I gave him 2 weeks to get everything sorted. I even listed all the important apps/websites so he wouldn’t miss anything (the only one I didn’t share was a payment portal, as I knew he wouldn’t care about that one).
I promised to still share any information passed via written notes or letters, etc., as obviously he would not have access to those otherwise.
I followed through with it. It took him 2 months to realize what had happened, and now he’s furious, saying that I’m using the child against him.
He got his family involved, and now they are all bombarding me with texts saying that I’m the jerk for doing it to him and our child. His mother also pointed out that she’d done everything herself as well and didn’t involve her husband in the school stuff, so she knows it’s not that hard and I’m being dramatic.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s your ex, not your partner, so his mom’s argument doesn’t stand. Just because she puts up with useless partners, you don’t have to do the same. Exactly what are you ‘doing to him’? You’re not keeping him from any information; you’re not locking him out.
You gave him all the access he needs to find the information himself. The only thing you did was help him repeatedly. Send that to your ex-family and tell them to leave you alone or block them. If he can’t be bothered to be involved, that’s not on you.
With this much weaponized incompetence, he’s lucky to hold a job. Does he ask his boss to read out his e-mails for him and manage his calendar as well, or is he suddenly capable of normal adulting when it doesn’t concern you?” 3vinator
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. ‘He got his family involved and now they are all bombarding me with texts saying that I’m the jerk for doing it to him and our child.’ .. lock all their numbers. ‘His mother also pointed out that she’d done everything herself as well and didn’t involve her husband in the school stuff,’ ..
answer her: Her raising him that way is likely one of the main reasons your kid’s dad is a deadbeat and a failure as a parent. ‘So she knows it’s not that hard and I’m being dramatic.’ If it is not hard, why is he dramatic instead of doing it?
And: You are doing all of it yourself. Tell them: The information is there; he can come to any event and meeting he wants and get his information firsthand from the teachers. You are NOT his secretary.” k23_k23
Another User Comments:
“You spoonfed him the info for a year, and when that year was up, you spoonfed him how to get that information for himself.
Now he’s throwing the spoon back at you. NTJ. Point out one last time that he can access the same apps you do (using the links you provided him months ago) to access the same information you do and demonstrate the same level of care you do.
If he’d put half as much effort into keeping up-to-date with the school as he did into complaining to his family about you, he’d already be excelling at it. And ask his mother why, if it’s not that hard, he can’t do it himself. Or just block her.
How ridiculous (and embarrassing!) for a mother to tell her grown son’s ex that she should be managing his relationship with his child.” embopbopbopdoowop
1. AITJ For Securing My Place In A Physical Line At The Vet?
“This morning my mom and I took her 2 cats to the vet. The vet that we use is a walk-in-only business.
You cannot make appointments except for surgeries. We have been using this vet for several years and I have been there recently with my own cat. When we got there 40 minutes before it opened, there was no physical line but several people sitting in their cars.
This is not unusual.
What has happened literally every other time I have been there is that people wait in their cars until one person gets in line, then everyone usually zooms to get their spot. Then we all wait until the place opens.
We were waiting in our car for about 20 minutes before someone got out of their car and got in line.
Seeing that, I followed suit, leaving my mom and animals in the car (making me second in line). After another 5 minutes, some of the other people (3 people) got out of their cars and said loudly, “Well, we should be going with who ACTUALLY arrived first,” and then proceeded to label where they thought everyone should be (putting me 5th).
I didn’t say anything because that sounded like nonsense to me. And so they just kinda all stood off to the side and waited. Meanwhile, more people began to show up and get in line behind me and the first person. The group didn’t say anything to them, just talked amongst themselves.
When the doors opened, they took three people at a time, and the lady in line in front of me went in, followed by a lady from the big group, and then I went in as well. As I tried to walk in, one of the people in the group said, “Excuse me, I was here before you.” I stated that I was in line before her and was going in.
She got angry, but I went in anyway. As I was trying to check in, the woman from the group who had made it inside tried to tell the employees that I had cut in front of someone, and I once again stated that I had been in line before her.
The employees told us that everyone would be seen and it would be fine.
I feel a little guilty, but my logic was that I could have slept in my car in the parking lot; however, if I didn’t get in line, then that wouldn’t have meant I got to cut ahead of everyone.
That isn’t how the system works. I have arrived first on previous visits but have not made it in line first. No one has ever pitched a fit about line versus arrival order before.
So AITJ for going ahead of this group that was waiting in their cars despite me being in line first?”
Another User Comments:
“The vet is the jerk. And I would give this vet a poor review online and mention the issues that the “no scheduling” system is causing. It’s fine if they accept same-day appointments. My vet does, too, and charges extra for them.
But the vet’s office is really the one at fault for this dumb system of forcing everyone to fight to be the first in the door with their sick pets first thing in the morning. The vet is the jerk here, not you and not the other people in line.” dragonsandvamps
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If there’s going to be a physical line, you freaking will want to be in that physical line. If they don’t give out numbers or pull tags, and they need your body in a line, well, you got your body in a line.
If everybody else was too freaking lazy to get out of their car and get in line, that’s on them. That vet could help by providing a policy, and posting it, or even giving you pull tags to pull when you get there, like they have at Costco or where you wait in line.
It’s not complicated. But lacking that, physically being in line is the only way to be in line! No one gets to make up in their head who was first or what all because we don’t know what the heck’s going on; people just sit in cars sometimes.” R0ck3tSc13nc3
Another User Comments:
“The jerk here is the vet who sees lineups out his or her door every day and refuses to act like any other normal medical place of business by having his patients schedule appointments and see walk-ins based on triage. And even if it’s a walk-in clinic only, the vet should have a system of both lineups and triage in place that determines the order people are seen, to prevent arguments.
Like, dude, put a clipboard out and let people sign in the order they arrive and state the reason for their visit; then at open, he can be like, “I’m seeing (emergency) first, then I’ll continue to take the rest of you in the order of arrival,” or whatever.
So I guess you’re not a jerk, but I’m not going to call her a jerk either. Or maybe you’re both jerks for patronizing this particular vet when you have to line up outside the door at open when you could see any other vet?
(My judgment is INFO but not from the poster—has anyone else heard of a vet that operates this way because it’s news to me! Like, I’ve been to vet ERs and my primary care vet will take emergency appointments during her day when they’re necessary, and I’ve seen urgent care vets, but both the ER and urgent care vets work by triage???)” Kittenn1412
