People Curiously Ask Us, "Was I The Jerk?"
16. AITJ For Wanting To Go On A Guys-Only Trip Against My Partner's Wishes?
“My friends, who I rarely see because of my limited availability, take a weekend trip to ride bikes together once a year.
This trip always causes a huge fight between my girl and me. I didn’t go the first year we met because I had recently gone through a divorce and didn’t have the funds to go.
The following year was a huge fight, and I went against her will. Later she asked me to only go every other year. I reluctantly agreed, hoping it might smooth things over. I skipped the next year for her. Then fought to go for a single night during the year after, and so on.
Fast forward to this year when six months ago, our relationship was in trouble, but eventually, we agreed to work on our issues.
One of the things that I brought up as a problem was not being allowed to see my friends regularly or take one weekend trip a year. My partner stated that if things between us were better, she would be ok with me doing those things.
Then comes the text chain about the annual trip.
They plan to fly across the country and ride in an absolute dream destination for 5 days. I tell them it sounds awesome, but I’m probably not going to be able to go. They insist I have to go and try to include me in plans, but I can’t even so much as talk to my partner about going, let alone help plan.
But I can’t help but want to go. This trip is going to be great. I remember that she said she could be ok with me going if things were going well. And then, the week my girl and I are set to leave for a weekend trip, my friends want to book our bike trip.
So selfishly, I decided I’ll book and talk with her later on so as not to risk tainting our trip with the conversation.
We had a great trip and the next couple of weeks too. So finally, I bring it up “Remember how you said you would be ok with me going on a trip with my friends?
They’re planning to go to Utah in October” Before I can even finish, she goes off and won’t have the conversation. She doesn’t want me to go and said not to bring it up again. So I left it alone for a couple of months, hoping that she’ll have a change of heart and bring it up again.
Eventually, we were a month out, and still nothing. Things have been going well aside from this one thing eating me up inside. I finally build up the courage to bring it up again and tears “no! Don’t abandon me! I don’t want you to go! It isn’t fair that you can go on a trip without me!” and so much else that I can’t even remember or fit all of it.
When the tears weren’t working, she got angry. Until I finally just told her that it is really important to me and I want to go.
I just can’t fathom how she is so against me enjoying my life while I still can, I so badly want her support but it just isn’t going to happen.
The thought of missing out on this trip makes me so sad.
Am I the jerk for still wanting to do the selfish thing and take this trip?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This girl either needs therapy, or you need to get away from her. It would be one thing if this were a financial issue, a childcare issue, or some other big obstacle you’d have to figure out to take the trip.
But it sounds like the sole problem is she can’t stand you having a life outside of her. Equating a 5-day trip to abandonment? Saying that it’s not fair you get to go places without her? Making the condition for you going on the trip about your relationship with her? This is all unhealthy and toxic.
Your gf should be fine with you spending time with your friends so long as it is not impeding on other responsibilities. Her insecurities and control issues should have no bearing on whether you hang out with your friends (unless you were seeing them constantly and not spending any time with her, which isn’t the case).
It sounds like she wants everything in your life to revolve around her, which is in no way okay.
Go on the trip. Enjoy your life. This is not selfishness. It is normal.” Charming-Barnacle-15
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Your partner shared her feelings of discomfort with you. Yet you chose to go behind her back and do what you wanted to do anyway.
I feel like you need to try to understand her insecurities more and adapt to build trust or you need to leave the relationship so you can travel freely.” M_is_for_Mmmichael
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Seriously, dude, I’ve just been through all your comments. Whether she is actually aware of what she is doing or not, you are being heavily mistreated here.
She’s ‘rewarding’ your compliant behavior by being nice to you and punishing you with an emotional baseball bat when you don’t behave as she wants you to. From what I can gather, this has been going on for at least a couple of years now. You have attempted to address it repeatedly and she’s stonewalled you every time.
It isn’t going to change. She isn’t going to change.
Do you seriously want to spend the rest of your life afraid to rock her boat in any way? At the total sacrifice of your life and happiness? Step back and actually look at your situation. Every time you have wanted something entirely reasonable for yourself, she punishes you.
Every time you try to establish some level of autonomy, she punishes you. It really isn’t about how nice she is being when she’s getting her own way, it’s about her behavior when she isn’t.
Listen to yourself. You are afraid of her reactions. You are excusing her for putting you in fear of her reactions.
You are asking Reddit if you are the monster for wanting a normal relationship dynamic. She’s got you so twisted up that you seem to genuinely think that you are the bad guy here. You are not. Read all the links given. Google DARVO, Gaslighting and if you still need reassurance that you are not wrong about this, call one of the many relationship helplines available and get a reality check from the people who deal with this crap every single day.
You really won’t believe how much better you will feel when you get yourself out of this toxic relationship. No one does until they are finally free of it. I didn’t. A lot of the posters on here didn’t. Get yourself out, go and enjoy your time with your friends, and somewhere down the line, you’ll meet someone who wants the same relationship as you do.
Can you imagine how much you would enjoy having a bike nut gf who loves going riding with you, going out with you and your mates, and kicks you out of the house to go and enjoy your yearly trips? Can you imagine how much your kids would love seeing you actually happy? If you go live your life for yourself, you’ll find someone who wants to live it with you.
Please stop blaming yourself for your girl’s behavior. You’ll be surprised at just how fast it will change your perception of the entire situation.” FluffythePink
15. AITJ For Preventing My Father's Partner From Moving In With Him?
“My mother (37) had me (20M) at 17. She was never a mother to me, and I was raised by my grandparents and later my uncle (34).
When I was 8 my grandma got sick and my uncle, who was 22 at the time started taking me in and I moved with him full-time at 12. I only saw my mother for family events and she was always criticizing me. How I looked, my hobbies, what I liked. By 14 I refused to talk to and/or see her.
When I was 18 my uncle proposed to legally adopt me. I decided to go see my mother one last time to inform her and have some closure. During this talk, she told me my father’s name.
I talked to my family about him and long story short basically everyone knows him. His family lived in the same town as my great-grandparents’ and my family used to go there every holiday.
I decided to try to meet him with my uncle. He (36) moved back a few years back to be close to his family and he took everything pretty well. I did make sure to inform him that I already had a dad. He told me he had no children and was interested in knowing me.
He presented me to his parents and they even found some pictures of me with him from before he went to college.
For the last 2 years, we had a pretty great relationship. He also got along well with my uncle. At college, I call him once a week and I see him pretty often.
The issue is his partner, Ana.
They don’t live together and have been a couple for over 3 years. She made it clear that I had no place here. After a few encounters with her, she reminded me so much of my mom’s rattitude, her remarks and criticism, that I refused to go see him for a while. I think he realized it because he told me that she didn’t need to be here every time.
I only see her when I go to eat with him at his parents’. She still manages to make it clear that I don’t belong in this family. When I ask questions, she tells me stuff like: If you were really a part of the family you should know, always pointing out physical differences…
So it was a surprise when she called me last week. I thought it was an emergency so I answered. She told me that she wanted to move in with my dad but he refused because he knows we don’t get along and he wanted his house to be a safe place for me and he was afraid I would come by less if she was here all the time.
It’s the truth. She then told me I should put my grudges aside and try to be nicer to her for my father’s sake.
I told her no. I had years of therapy to be able to remove toxic people from my life and being with her is like being with my mom.
I do not want to put myself in this kind of situation anymore.
I talked to my uncle and he agrees. For him, my mental health should always be my top priority but some other people think that I should at least make an effort for my father’s happiness and that it would be selfish to not try.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. and don’t worry that you are hurting your bio dad. It sounds like he’s a pretty good bonus dad for you. And he’s keeping her at arms length because her attitude toward you is showing some very poor aspects of her character. He is a smart enough man to realize that he needs to be cautious about her, and he sees that she would create a toxic space for you – which is not OK with him.
Of course, his feelings are complex, and he may need time to process what he is seeing in his GF and how that changes his view of any future with her that he had pictured.
I’m sure your uncle/dad would also agree with this view. You’ve got two great men in your life – lucky you!” swillshop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First your father chose a mother for you who rejected you and/or didn’t care for you. Now he has a partner who’s the same. After all the chaos you’ve dealt with, you deserve to be able to go and visit your father and not have to deal with someone hostile.
No one should get involved with anyone who makes their kids. parents, whoever feel unwelcome. Your father shouldn’t even be with this woman. The least he can do is prevent her from moving in.
This is not your responsibility. It’s the girl’s responsibility. It’s her behavior.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m confused though – why is she asking you to change?
Why doesn’t she start to be more pleasant and respectful to her partner’s son? Allowing you both to observe the niceties around each other & your father wouldn’t be worried his home would become a hostile place for you if she’s there?
Your post hasn’t said you were mistreating her (and your dad is worried about his home becoming hostile to you would back that up), so the real problem is her.
She has to do the work to reconcile. The cheek of demanding that you simper under her hostilities (which she has no intention of stopping) so she can carry on as she is and still live with your father!” cynical_old_mare
14. AITJ For Not Wanting My Siblings In The Family Business?
“My dad (65M) is a heavy diesel mechanic and has run a small workshop his whole life. I (29M) have always been interested in his work since I was a kid and would always help him out on the weekends.
I went to university and studied Engineering and Commerce but struggled and dropped out and travel the world for a year. My siblings (36M) and (32F) are both in investment banking and are successful in their careers. Since I was 23, I have worked with my Dad as a mechanic and slowly taken over his workshop.
When I started he had 2 part-time mechanics and 1 car in 2017. I have bought in several new strategies and we have grown to 35 employees and 15 cars. We went from $250k in revenue to just shy of $7m this financial year. My dad only works in the workshop while I’m more 20/80 workshop to office split.
A few weeks ago at my dad’s 65th birthday dinner, he talked about the numbers of the business, and everyone was shocked. No one in the family has ever visited our workshop or asked about it.
Since then, he has been thinking about the succession plan after my siblings have been asking about it. He proposed the following idea to me. I get 40% of the business, they get 30% and 30%. My sister would get a “manager” position as she is looking to leave the IB world to start a family and my brother would get the same as well if he wants it.
I noted everything he said and just asked for some time to think. They started proposing some of the most insane ideas without any context of the business.
I’m seriously annoyed. My dad has run this for 32 years but only since I joined did we expand. I admit I did use my dad’s network, reputation, skill and initial workshop to get a headstart but it was my idea to expand, get a bigger workshop, and implement risky ideas.
I don’t think my siblings who have never even asked about the business should get cushy high-paying jobs for doing nothing. If we wanted a $200k-a-year manager I would get one with industry experience!
I have spoken to him briefly but he was shocked by my reaction and said it was his dream to have all his siblings work in the business but my brother and sister have never even picked up a spanner before in their lives.
I have been hanging around since I was 12; he always said it would be mine. I don’t want to have to answer to a board of my siblings who I get the vibe they think they are smarter than me just because they finished university. I built this business with just my dad and want to keep building it with him without my siblings.
I can see it from their point of view as this is a family business my dad started and my dad wants to make it more of an effort to include them but I feel they only want to be included because we are now successful. I am being accused of being greedy and entitled by my family.
I think this is ridiculous and the business is mine after spending the last 6 years building it. I would love to know if I am the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You need to talk with your father one on one. As hard as it will be, you need to be as practical as possible, sadly this sort of stuff happens a LOT!
I’m in Canada and we used to have a massive department store chain (Eaton’s) it had been family owned/run for decades. Sadly they kept insisting on having family in charge. They were people who didn’t care/weren’t good a business and it went bankrupt. Now there were issues at play of course.
But the fact is they destroyed themselves
You might want to reach out to some Financial advisors or who it is that appraises companies, get their professional opinion
You are NTJ, but your father needs to see how this will ruin the company you both worked so hard to build
Make sure to point out to your father that they had ZERO interest in the business until they found out how much it’s worth.
By him giving them a controlling stake, they will outvote you EVERY SINGLE TIME and will drive the business into the ground after a couple years
Tell them “you want to work in the family business? Then you need to start at the BOTTOM line I did” make them do the grunt work, they’ll either have a new appreciation for what goes on, or they’ll give up and move on.
They shouldn’t have more than 5% each.”
If you can’t get your dad to understand why giving them a controlling share is bad, than start looking for a new job and sit back and what’s it all burn.” Maleficent_Ad8757
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Start thinking of how you can start your own business and get enough working capital to do so.
I would assume you already have great relationships with existing customers and employees and people know your rep.
Even if you have to start afresh without what your dad had when you joined, you know exactly what you need to do and how to get there. It is just hard work, and I am sure you are not scared of hard work.
Alternatively, you can propose to your dad that you get the majority share (51%) and they can share the balance. You don’t want to try to run that business with 2 people who clearly will overrule you at a whim.” masoj3k
Another User Comments:
“Ntj. There’s a reason why you don’t do business with family, especially with those who have no background info on what they’re doing.
If you work alongside your siblings, no doubt that in a couple of years, you guys will go bankrupt. I don’t understand why some people are even suggesting that you get 51% when you should be getting more like 60% or 70%, since you practically deserve it for making that company rise. Your siblings can’t just bandwagon and make claims of something that they never wanted to be a part of and all of a sudden try to reap the benefits of you and your father’s hard work.
If I were you and your father does decide to somehow include your siblings in the business, I would just quit and start my own. Your siblings were already adamant about suggesting ideas that doesn’t make sense even before they started working, so what makes you think that they won’t screw you over and blame it on you?” blueaqua_12
If he insists on giving them shares slightly less than yours and top jobs in the business, then tell him that if he does this, you will insist they buy you out of your shares and will use that to start your own rather than watch them tank the one he started and you helped him build up.
13. AITJ For Encouraging A Teen To Drop Out Of School?
“Backstory, my wife comes from an average middle-class family. However, the eldest sister has always been messed up with illegal substances. She got pregnant at 15, and her parents (my in-laws) raised the child until he was 8. She was clean for a stint and was able to work on regaining custody. After a while, both the sister and her son seemingly dropped off the face of the earth.
When he was 13, she was sent to prison and he was already caught up in that lifestyle.
At the time, our daughter had just turned 3. My FIL experiencing some health issues wasn’t really capable of taking on this thug life kid. My MIL was extremely torn. My wife and I together agreed to step up and take him in.
I will admit, it was VERY hard, especially the first year. I hated him and couldn’t wait for the day he turned 18. We all got into counseling because we both were at our wit’s end. That helped tremendously as we both learned how to treat him and defuse his anger. Things rapidly improved, and now he’s a prominent part of our family and will always be considered as such.
Now more recently, he turned 16 in March. Technically, he is supposed to enter the 11th grade next month, but due to his past, he’ll be entering the 9th. Just before the summer started, I offered the idea of him coming to work for me just over the summer. I own a business, technically construction, but also property management.
I thought this would be great for him to earn some bucks and teach him a trade. He caught on very fast and loved it so much that he would be up and ready for work every morning before I was.
He learned quickly and did such excellent work that I took him to get his license and let him use a company vehicle.
It’s like instantly, he became my right-hand man. Earlier this week, he told me that doing this gives him purpose and makes him feel really good about himself. He hesitantly asked what I thought about him getting a GED, dropping school, and staying working for me. How could I knock that down, considering where he came from?
Before giving him a definitive answer, my wife agreed, so I officially hired him. When my in-laws found out, they chopped it in half and accused me of wanting free labor until he told them I was paying him very well. They claimed being in construction around addicts will make him turn out like his mother (I don’t employ addicts).
My FIL told him he needs to stay in school and go to college to get an ‘actual career.’ That I took as a personal slap in the face. My wife’s aunt told me to knock off my savior complex crap. My FIL then threatens to get my license pulled by reporting me to the state for violating child labor laws.
I’m fully aware of and adhere to those laws already.
I’m honestly torn. I feel like if I go back on my offer, it’ll set him back in therapy. Being college-educated myself, I feel wrong for encouraging him to drop out. I just want what’s best for him and whatever keeps him on the right path.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I would encourage you to get him a good tutor if he really wants his GED. It sounds easier, but many people find it harder to pass the GED than it is to just finish high school. Also, have you considered that his adolescent social life may be lacking if he drops out?
Why can’t he work part-time and still go to high school?
He is probably academically behind (not just because of the grade levels) and insecure about being a little older than the average 9th grader. And he’s only 16 – if he’s showing this type of aptitude for a challenging job now, imagine how bright he is and how much further he could go with a school experience.
I suggest you speak to a guidance counselor or social worker before you make any permanent decisions. He may find some friends and feel better about attending high school. He may want still want his GED and then take some college courses. He may love this job now, but in 2 years decide he wants a different job.
Give him as many options as possible, let him know you trust him and that he’s proven himself to be a responsible person. Overall, I think you’ve done a lot of good things and he seems like a great kid.” ComfortableBedroom78
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, school is his chance to work on his reading, writing, and math skills.
It could affect him the rest of his life if he doesn’t get a fair chance at education. Why can’t you incorporate his good work experience into school? If he found satisfaction and drive in one thing he may be able to find it in school now. If he is two grades behind it’s even more imperative he work on his education.” thatbeechz
Another User Comments:
“Honestly… NTJ, as long as he does get his GED. (And that only because if he goes to work for someone else, they may require proof of HS graduation/GED equivalent.)
I wasn’t like your nephew; I was actually the opposite: good grades, stayed in school, and went to college because my parents expected it.
$8k in student loans and two years of bio-chem Gen Eds later, I dropped out because, despite my “high IQ” and “ability to do anything I wanted,” college wasn’t and isn’t for me. Now, I freelance write for several high-profile finance companies, I make decent salary, and guess what? I still don’t have a degree.
All that to say: everyone’s path to success looks different. Though mass education has done wonders for personal and economic growth in the last century – and to be clear, your nephew should get and deserves at least a basic education – the path to achieving said education shouldn’t be identical for everyone.
The fact is, for all its other problems, the modern education system isn’t designed for people like your nephew: people with traumatic pasts, mental health disorders, and a history of addictive influences.
If you and your nephew believe that he will have a successful life working with you, well…isn’t that the purpose of graduating high school/college anyway?
You’ve done right by this kid. You’re continuing to do right by him. You’ve pulled him away from addiction, set him on a better path, and recognize that his needs don’t fit into the box society tries so hard to shove on us. Keep being freaking awesome – he’ll remember your love and support for the rest of his life.” ElysGirl
Also, my brother got his GED and he makes a heck of a lot more than I do...working in construction. And perhaps, one day, your nephew may decide to get a business degree. It sounds like he loves working with you and has truly found a passion. Tell your in-laws to take a hike. Can you formally adopt him? Make sure you document the threats your in-laws have made against you as well. The kid is 16 and in some states, has the right to make certain choices including becoming an emancipated minor.
12. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Former Sister-In-Law With Her Pregnancy Since I Despise Her Entire Family?
What makes her think she’ll help her?
“I’ll start this by saying me ex-“sil” “Rory 26f” technically didn’t become my sil because me and my ex-fiancé “Jonas” never ended up getting married, but I refer to his family as my ex-in-laws.
I 23f dated Jonas 24m from when I was 20 till I gave birth at 22 which a few weeks later we broke off our engagement because I realized I did not want to raise my baby in the toxic environment they created.
It wasn’t until I was a few months pregnant that they started to turn on me, before his mother and sister had adored me but when I told them I was pregnant they seemed to despise me.
And he became controlling. We’d been engaged about two months before I became pregnant. And both his mother and sister helped me plan the wedding -which we did not go through with and they both tried to make me feel guilty for.
I was 6 months pregnant at Christmas time and Jonas wouldn’t let me fly back to my family for the holidays so I spent it with them, his sister kept reminding me that I wasn’t with my family (who wouldn’t have been able to all afford to fly to see me), she also told me that I was ungrateful during the holiday season for not leaving my ex to celebrate with his family.
When she knew he would not allow me to leave. That was also when they told me I needed to live with them instead of the apartment I had that was only a five-minute drive away. So I moved in with them only to find that I had to sleep on the couch because my ex’s mom didn’t want me to share a room with his son, and his sister used the guest room for storage.
There were many other things they did but I can’t even begin to write them all down here. But today his sister came to my house – they only have my address because occasionally my ex takes our son out for day trips though he often “forgets” or is too intoxicated/hungover to continue with his plans.
She came to ask me if I could “lend” her some of my son’s baby stuff because she was pregnant and doesn’t have enough saved up. I told her she could borrow anything her or her family paid for and then pointed out how it was just a blanket that my ex bought. She tried to argue that I must have lots of things leftover from when my son was born, but I use most of his things, and even if I didn’t I wouldn’t want to give them to her because my family are the ones who sent the things over or the change to buy the things.
She kept begging me and trying to say I owed her because I lived in her family home with her and her brother and mom. But I told her I didn’t owe her anything for the way she treated me and I didn’t owe her mother or her brother either.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Her lack of items for HER baby is not your responsibility. Especially after the atrocious way, they all treated you. Did she honestly believe that she could sweep everything under the rug?
You had to sleep on the freaking couch while pregnant. They BULLIED you while you were pregnant. She didn’t say ANYTHING to her brother when he wouldn’t let you leave.
Now expects to be rewarded for it. No just no.
Why is her baby daddy not getting anything for the baby? Why come to you? Where is her mother’s contributions toward the new grandbaby?
You are not required to help someone who has treated you badly. Her problems are not your responsibility and her inaction has consequences.
Stand your ground and don’t let them manipulate you to get their way. Plus even if you did “lend” her anything you would probably never see any of it again.
Also if you don’t have good security you might want to consider it.” SuperHuckleberry125
Another User Comments:
“100% not the jerk. they’re continuing to try to manipulate you because you can’t cut ties due to your son.
I’m not sure how the custody is, but as a kid of divorced parents, I would really suggest trying to get full custody if your ex-husband was horrible like that along with the rest of the family, but if finances are an issue, just do everything you can to give your kid a safe place at your house because if your ex in laws treated you like that, they’re gonna make your son’s life heck because he’s not old enough to understand the situation and not capable of leaving because he’s a minor.
and also, be careful of them turning around and suddenly being really nice to you. it’s a manipulation trap. keeping someone out of your life that didn’t treat you right isn’t a grudge, it’s boundaries. you have a good reason to feel that way” Unlikely_Water8581
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but honestly, I’d move back to where ever your family live.
The fact ex hardly puts in any effort shows staying will only allow him to hurt and emotionally mess up your son. He already clearly doesn’t think the child is worth any effort and there’s nothing worse than growing up knowing your father couldn’t be bother or ever sees you as being worth his time.
It would also ensure his family can go whistle.” Sweet-Interview5620
11. AITJ For Wearing A Similar Color As The Bride?
“We’re originally from India, and our family migrated to the US part by part when all us cousins were in our early to late teens. So we’ve had direct exposure to our culture and traditions.
One of my cousins was to marry this weekend. Funnily enough, he found a girl from our community all the way in the US.
Her family, migrated well before she was born and she has been raised here. I don’t know her well, & I don’t know what if anything she knows about our culture and traditions. But they decided on a traditional ceremony.
The reason I’m bringing up this is that in case you don’t know, we don’t really have a designated ‘bride’s color’ Firstly because partway through the ceremony the bride needs to go and change into a different outfit.
This happens at least once and maybe more depending upon the community and the wishes of the bride. And secondly because if someone were to say no one can wear this color because it would steal the bride’s spotlight they would be laughed at.
As you can guess where this is going, I chose a lovely wine red sari to wear to the wedding.
It had pretty sparkly zari work but was nowhere near as heavy as a bridal sari. I was standing and chatting near the mandap when the bride reached there after her change of clothes and saw me. And she threw a massive tantrum. How could I wear red? Did I not have the sense not to do such a simple thing (and other insults to my intelligence).
Did I mean to steal the spotlight? Etc., etc.
I should point out that at the time she was wearing purple with heavy zari and enough jewelry to be seen from the moon. Also, like I said, we don’t have a specific bridal colour per se. Just for one specific ceremony, we need to wear a yellow saree with a green border, but even that is just the tradition, not a requirement.
Which I tried to explain to her, but she wasn’t having it.
She went on for long enough I started crying. My aunt, the groom’s mom came to see what the commotion was about and because the pandit was waiting. When she heard, she went ballistic. She anyway didn’t approve of the bride but such rudeness to a guest (a huge no-no in our culture) let alone her favorite niece was completely unacceptable.
She went straight to her son, told him everything, and said this was the last straw. That she had tried to respect his choices but there was no way she was welcoming such a nightmare as a DIL into her family. She took me and my family and walked out and several other guests left too.
She stayed with us that day and the next day she and my parents sent me and my sister to a family friend’s house in a different city, because there may or may not be some talks to resolve this, but they didn’t want me in the middle of it Right now there is complete communication blackout.
We don’t even know if the wedding happened or if it did, is it going to continue. I know my cousin really loved this girl, and I feel really guilty for ruining his wedding day.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t understand. The bride gets to choose a color, but why wasn’t her choice broadcast to the rest of the women?
How did this communication break down? That is the root of this wedding day disaster. In your defense, you can’t know what you don’t know. As for the rest, the bride’s awful reaction can only be blamed upon the bride herself.” FlyingFlipPhone
Reply:
“The assumption is that she isn’t well informed about our culture, being born and brought up here in the US.
But we don’t know for sure.
The bride also does not get to choose a color. Brides change several outfits throughout the day, and obviously, they’ll wear different colors each time. So it’s just not practical to designate one color off-limits.
Also, I wasn’t the only one wearing red, but probably the only one she saw.” nontraditionbridezilla
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In the culture I married into, every woman wears red to the wedding. And most women wear much of their own wedding outfit! But you never mistake them for the bride because of the jewelry, hair, embroidery, etc. And wine red and bridal/bright red are so different, it’d be like yelling at someone who wore a medium-gray dress to a wedding.
You can’t apply the standards of one culture to another.” peppermintvalet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I confess I don’t completely understand this tradition, but it sounds like she turned into a bridezilla because you’re not psychic. Huge red flags, and I hope the wedding stopped in its tracks. She was incredibly disrespectful, and this is behavior that would be indicative of what kind of wife she would be.
What kind of in-law she would be? Terrible, abusive, and absolutely unacceptable.” MasterNerd69
10. AITJ For Calling My Co-Worker A Vulture In Front Of Our Boss?
“I (22F) am French and live in a southern US town. It’s not very diverse so I get lots of questions
I have a coworker ‘Chad,’ early thirties. He told me on my first week something along the lines of ‘It’s not easy being the immigrants in a white office.’ We are both white and as far as I know he’s a US citizen so I asked what he meant.
He tells me that he had a hard childhood because of his last name (it’s germanic) and that growing up an immigrant is hard in the US.
I left it at that because I didn’t know his family history and didn’t want to ask in case it’s a hard topic, I moved on with my day.
Days after i get ‘They don’t understand us,’ ‘they don’t see us as one of them.’ I was kind of done. I asked him at what age did he move to the US.
He tells me he was born here. I ask him when his parents moved to the US, he tells me they were born here.
I ask him how does that make him an immigrant then, and he kinda huffs and reminds me of his last name and that he took one of those DNA tests and that he found out he was 30 percent French. I told him that it doesn’t make him any more French than our other colleagues and he kind of left quietly.
Yesterday I got called into ‘Lindsey’s’ office. When I went in there Chad was sitting on one of the chairs.
Lindsey told me that she had received Chad’s version of the story and now she wanted mine. After I finished she couldn’t place one word before Chad started whining that I was being disrespectful and tried to erase his roots (WHAT ROOTS).
I snapped and asked him why on earth would he think he was French or an immigrant. He doesn’t speak the language, he wasn’t born there, his family isn’t French, all he knows of France are negative stereotypes that he spreads like they’re French culture.
I ended up by telling him that he was a vulture who was making this a hostile work environment by making this a xenophobic workplace and that I was offended (Now I didn’t believe that for a second, I was more mad and tired than offended and xenophobia is a strong word there but I knew that Lindsey would do something about it if I said that because Americans don’t play with offending people based on ethnicity)
Lindsey asked me to leave the room so she could talk to Chad. Chad later left the building. During the day I got called into her office again and she looked exhausted.
She said she understands my POV and they’ve had issues like this with Chad before. (They didn’t fire him just gave him some time off).
Chad apparently acted as obnoxious when Notre Dame burnt. He had moped around the office all day claiming they were attacking the republic (WHO’S THEY).
This guy has got some serious issues and I don’t know what to do. He makes me uncomfortable, but I don’t want him fired he’s been working there way longer than me.
maybe I went too far, delusions like that are serious and maybe he really needs help, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, lol WHAT? I’m just thinking about all of the actual refugees, immigrants, and undocumented people who have REAL struggles fighting for their families and survival. People who came to this country to escape war, cartels, collapsed economies, and poor living conditions.
This guy is like the people who wear green on St. Patrick’s Day and drink green beverages because their great-grandfather was Irish.
He’s already been a problem with this behavior in the past and you were correct to say he was creating a hostile work environment with his Xenophobia.
There are tons of people who immigrated here from Europe so not sure how he thinks he’s special?
I mean, sure in the 1800s when there was a huge influx of French, German, Irish, Italian, British, Scandinavian, etc. immigrants they had to deal with xenophobia but doesn’t sound like that’s going on in your office in 2022, except in his head.” unikkorns_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and as an English immigrant to the US, I’m totally tired of it too.
Do you get the pretend accent too? Everyone here seems to think it’s hilarious to say “‘ello Guvnah” to me, and to be polite I have to laugh along like I don’t hear it from everyone, including my FIL every single time he sees me.” deadest_of_parrots
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and welcome to the US, where our overpriced healthcare and lack of mental health resources mean that people like Chad say bananas things, and everyone just kind of sweeps it under the rug.
“Time off” is code for ‘we gave him the option of taking PTO or getting fired because we don’t know how to deal with this and we don’t want to get sued.'” ladytypeperson
9. AITJ For Telling My Big Sister That I Don't Want Her And Her Children To Move Back In With Us?
“I, 19F have a sister 28F who has two small children and a husband. My sister was renting from my uncle. He decided to sell the house and the new owner did not want any tenants, so my sister and her family had to move.
It wasn’t sudden, they had a bit over a year’s notice to find a new place to live as they were told the house would be sold to new owners.
They were looking into living in the area my mother and I live in. Problem is, my mother and I live in an area that is extremely sought after.
(We’re grandfathered in so our rent isn’t expensive) It’s a central location, good public transport, good schools, good social life, but it’s not easy to afford. I told her she should look at surrounding areas because she was not going to find an affordable apartment near me.
Long story short, she didn’t find anything.
Not anything that she wanted, anyway. Since she didn’t find anything, her, her husband, and two children under three moved into my mom’s apartment. It would be fine if we had the space, but we don’t. It’s a two-bed one bath apartment and they’ve moved all their stuff into my room, so I now sleep with my mom who just had surgery on her foot.
It would be fine if they really watched their kids too. My mom and I watch them every day from 8 am to 5 pm, sometimes later. She babysits them as her job. Which fine, I’ll help out. I didn’t get a job this summer because I was taking 3 summer courses since I’ve fallen a bit behind after changing my major.
This meant I was spending a lot more time at home.
There is no relief from these kids. They’re at my house ALL day long. When their parents come home from work, the responsibility still falls on my mother and I. I can’t even go lay in my own bed or sit in my own room at the end of the day because they’re living in it.
My sister’s husband is a grown baby. He has to be told to do something or he won’t do it. Recently, he didn’t feed his baby because “no one told him to.” This Saturday morning, he was supposed to watch his kids because my mom and I want the weekends off. But, he disappeared to go “clean out the house” even though every time I see the house, it’s in the same condition.
I’m sick of it. Every single summer for the past 4 years, I’ve spent it babysitting kids. When my sister gave birth to her two kids(both during the last few summers), she stayed in my room with her kid husband for over a month. I’m with these kids without fail, every single day.
Even on the weekends, and now they live in MY bedroom.
Recently, my sister asked me if I was happy that she was moving back in. I dead face, told her no and that she shouldn’t. She’s had enough time to find an apartment and while it may not be an ideal one, it’s better than intruding on other people’s space and making them watch your kids.
My friend told me that I should be a little more understanding because the housing market is rough and I shouldn’t have said what I said.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. Your sister sounds like she has no problem making everyone else uncomfortable so she has it easy. She had plenty of time to find an affordable place, but no, Miss Entitled wants a place like you have.
Solution? Just push her way in with her entire family into a too-small apartment with no regard for anyone else. You even lose your own room. She needs to get out. What’s wrong with her husband, is he just a doormat kind of guy?
Edit:. Talk to the landlord maybe? Or check the lease. Maybe it’s in violation of the lease that now 5 people are in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom unit.
I bet she pays no rent, bills, or food, either. Your mom needs to open her mouth, too.” Chargednotconvicted
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is something you should’ve discussed with your mother beforehand. Telling your sister this bluntly that you want her to screw off is pretty rude. I get that it’s frustrating, but she’s your mom’s daughter too, so she is as entitled to be there as you are, as long as your mom is on board with it.
The dumping of the kids onto your mom and you all the time is a no though and you and your mom should probably sit your sister and BIL down and put down clear rules and boundaries about this. That being said, maybe you can help them look for a new place. The faster they find one, the faster they’ll be out of your hair.
I’m sure no one loves the current situation so it’s pretty pointless to be rude about it.” PinkiePwns
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your sister needs a heavy dose of reality. That not everything revolves around her happiness and the need to have someone else parent and watch HER CHILDREN.
Stop watching them. Get a job.
Go to the library. ANYTHING except watch her kids. The housing market may be crap but that doesn’t give her the right to FORCE herself on you and your mother for such an extended period of time. Especially in such a small space. With such rambunctious children.
I am extremely curious WHY you had to give up YOUR room and why they couldn’t get an air mattress for the living room.
Or a pull-out couch and put their items in storage?
You said they moved all of their stuff into your room? How did they fit a house’s worth of stuff into a single room?
Are they helping out in any other way? Paying for their own groceries? Doing their own laundry? Helping with bills? Streaming services?
Chores? Cooking? ANYTHING?
Have they been looking for a place AT ALL? Or are they ASSUMING that they can move in and stay for an extended period? Have they given a time period on how long they are going to stay?
When do you get to study? If they don’t even take care of them when they get off work when do you and your mother get any time for yourselves?
Time for some peace of mind? Time for a freaking bathroom break? To eat?
As for the husband WHY is he not taking care of his OWN CHILDREN? From this moment forward CONSTANTLY tell him that he needs to feed his OWN children and any other care that they need. If he starts to leave tell him
“NO your children your responsibility. We have off weekends.”
No is a complete sentence. No explanations needed. Just because you don’t have a summer job right now doesn’t mean YOUR time is any less valuable than his or your sisters.
You and your mom are going to need to sit down and set some FIRM HARD BOUNDARIES for them because at this point it looks like you guys (you and your mother) are the LIVE-IN NANNIES and they are the owners.
Your sister asked for the truth and you gave it to her. Sometimes the truth hurts. They have a WHOLE YEAR to find something. Just because they couldn’t find something to HER STANDARD doesn’t mean anything.
INFO: You haven’t said how your mom feels about everything. Did she set any rules when they moved in?
If she just had surgery on her foot how much mobility does she have? I can’t see her being to run after toddlers.” SuperHuckleberry125
8. AITJ For Kicking My Mom Out Of My Apartment
“I just recently took over the lease of the apartment my mom, and I have lived at for the last 3 years. She has lived at her partner’s house for months now, not paying rent for this apartment, or even stopping by for her things.
Little backstory: my mom lives a parasitic lifestyle and heavily relies on other people to get by.
Usually, by forming a relationship with them and living off their savings. Generally old people, this current one is 72 and wants to marry her. So she uses that to her advantage.
Anyway… she no longer lives here. I understand how my mom operates, and I know she thinks that she’ll be able to fall back on me if things fail, and her plan doesn’t work.
Well, unfortunately for her I’m not going to let that happen.
I am my own person now, my life has just begun at the age of 22 pretty much. I’m done living with my parents or anyone else for that matter. I can afford this place on my own and have full intent on tweaking it to my own appeal.
Yesterday I asked her if I should put her pictures and knickknacks in Rubbermaid’s, and she started getting all defensive saying not to get crazy just yet (signaling to me that her plan might be failing) and basically not to pack her things up. My response to that was “What? I have fully taken over the lease and would like to put my own things up on the walls.”
She completely ignored that and is acting like a victim, all pouty and crap, presumably trying to guilt trip me. I could care less, to be honest with you. She’s a grown woman (52); I’m not going to deal with her chain-smoking, using illegal substances (which she’s trying to get clean from, but I’m not really going to sympathize with her on that.
The amount of times I’ve picked her up off the floor is too much, and I’m just over it.)
So I’m putting my foot down and telling her no, she is no longer a resident of this apartment, and I want her to move her crap out so I can make the place my own.
I’m not going to let her sucker me, her son, into keeping a place for her to stay. I have plans for this place, and I don’t intend on being nice about it to her. She doesn’t have to move everything at once, but I would at least like her to take her wall decorations and pictures.
And over time, start moving the bigger stuff out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I appreciate your heart. You are trying to maintain a healthy boundary with your mother without going nuclear and destroying your relationship. Good for you! Personally, I think that putting her things in storage and giving her the key is a great idea.
I know that you would hate for her to lose her things again, but really, that is her choice. Give her 3 months on the unit and let her be the grown-up for once. You are not getting rid of her stuff; she is. If she loses important things, then that is a choice that she alone has made.
You can love her and still set boundaries. She is old enough to understand that she finally needs to take responsibility for her own life (just like you are!). Congratulations on moving forward with your life. I wish you the very best.” Pretend_Green9127
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, provided that the lease is in your name only.
If it’s in your names jointly or in your mother’s name, then you’ve been too lazy to do the work necessary to get your mom out of your life.
A cleaner resolution for you would be to move into a different apartment of your own and let your former landlord evict her when she doesn’t pay the rent.
There’d be no reason for her to expect to be able to move into an apartment that has never been hers.” lolifax
Another User Comments:
“Obviously NTJ. Change the locks. Pack up her stuff. Give her a deadline (by text, because you need proof) and make it clear that if she does not make arrangements to pick them up by a certain date, you will donate or dispose of them.
Refuse to discuss it any further. This is a courtesy, not a negotiation.” NorthernLitUp
7. AITJ For Calling My Partner's Sister A Witch?
“My bf (both 18) comes from a hockey-obsessed family and that’s saying something considering we live in Canada lol.
I don’t know crap about hockey except like the maple leaves haven’t won a playoff in years?
I don’t know, lol. I also know the names of good-looking hockey players that sometimes show up on social media.
My bf doesn’t care. He does plan on making me a hockey fan, though.
Anyways, I was a tiny bit scared to meet his family since his friends made a big deal out of how intense they were as hockey fans but they were all pretty chill.
I did get teased light-heartedly but they were nice.
Except his older sister (28). She started asking me hockey trivia(?) questions that I clearly didn’t know the answers of and kept mocking me. She then sort of looked me up and down and said “you’re one of those girls aren’t you?”
I asked her what she meant and she said I was a girly girl considering how much I dressed up for a casual family dinner.
I asked her why that was an issue. She said it wasn’t and all his partners have been girly girls but at least they were pretty.
I was really hurt by that. I asked her why she was being so rude and she told me that she was just telling the truth. Apparently my bf has a type and I don’t fit that.
He also had standards and dated people on his level who despite their girly-ness, knew the basics of hockey and were actually pretty.
I was confused, hurt and annoyed and ended up calling her a freaking idiot under my breath. Unsurprisingly, she heard it and started yelling at me and said that I better treat her with respect or else.
I just said whatever and waited for my bf (he was trying to find something in the basement).
I stuck to him the entire night but his sister kept glaring at me and before I left she told me that she was just being honest and telling me how incompatible we are. I had no right to call her a witch and she wanted me to apologize.
I said no and left but she found my insta and sent me pics of his exes to prove her point and said “now where’s my apology?”. I haven’t answered yet but I’m conflicted.
I know I’m not his “type” but I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I also feel like I don’t have to apologize since she was being a massive jerk, but I guess she wasn’t wrong and was indeed telling the truth.
Idk. I’m just hurt. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m Canadian, old enough to be both of your moms, a very bright, accomplished woman and a former model when I was your age . . . and I don’t know a darn thing about hockey, nor do I care. I never have and I never will. Find it unbelievably boring, can’t tell the players apart for all the padding and uniforms and helmets.
Could. Not. Care. Less.
And you know what? Contrary to what that ridiculous, almost-30-year-old woman thinks, it doesn’t say a darn thing about my character. Or yours.
Her comment about “being on his level”? What the heck does that even mean? What does she think a “level” is? It’s a meaningless insult meant to make it sound like he’s .
. . what? Something special, because he likes hockey and knows the rules and players? Um, so do millions of other people. Doesn’t make him special. Or her. It’s just a sport. And I have no issue with the people who love it – I’m very happy that they have something they enjoy, just as I am for anyone else with a hobby they love.
But the fact that she thinks that being hockey fans makes them magically special and on some other “level” from you or anyone else? I’m literally snickering.
My friend, not only was she rude as heck to you, she’s delusional. Also maybe a little racist, but even if she isn’t it doesn’t matter, because she has no manners, and she’s WAY too old to think that literally just BEING A HOCKEY FAN gives her the right to treat another human being like garbage.
Delusional and ridiculous. It’s just hockey.
You were rude, but it was absolutely called for. NTJ.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but with a qualification – calling someone a jerk just brought you down to her level and let her know she’s getting into your head. She ‘wins’ if she can live rent-free in your head.
She’s got some serious issues, especially with the looks comments. If your BF wasn’t attracted to you, he’d be with one of the ‘pretty’ exes. My guess is she bullies your BF as well in her own way, at 28, she should know better than be a bully to teenagers, but the fact she doesn’t (or doesn’t care) is waving some huge red flags.
You sure you want to be in this situation?
I’d let your partner know what happened and see his response. My guess is, there’s nothing he can do to influence her (she sees him as a little kid as well), but at least you’ve let him know that it’s a potential deal breaker that she can’t be civil.
INFO: Where were the parents in all of this? I would never allow my oldest to belittle my youngest new GF the first time they met – that’s flat-out bullying.” oxiraneobx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She’s 28? She sounds seriously immature, especially sending pictures and demanding an apology over Instagram. That’s immature and rather crazy. Honestly, I would screenshot everything she sent and show your partner and their parents.
A lot of the time when you expose that type of behavior to people they’re hiding it from (family, boss, coworkers, friends, etc.) it generally stops. Also, just because you think you’re not his type, don’t feel hurt by it. We may all have a type, but eventually when we break out of that and date someone who isn’t our type we generally find the right person.
You’re definitely not the jerk, and the sister is majorly the jerk.” True-Championship-70
Anyone who says they're honest/truthful and people get mad at them because they can't handle it, are liars. They're just being ****** **for their own amusement/pleasure of tearing others down.
6. AITJ For Telling My Sister That I Hate Her?
“My (23F) sister (I’ll call her B so I don’t confuse people) passed away in July. I was absolutely devastated because she was my best friend and I loved her more than life itself.
Right from the start, my other sister (28F) had made things about her and tried to exclude me from everything that had to do with the planning of B’s funeral. Tried to convince my mom to make me stay at home with her kids instead of going to the funeral home and shot down every opinion I had.
I finally just shut up and talked to the funeral director about the funeral stuff alone.
When the wake happened my sister basically threw a tantrum. I had asked them to change the color of the flowers from blue to purple and I guess something about it made her mad. She went up to the funeral director and snapped at him that the flowers were wrong and that they were ruining the funeral. I informed her that I got moms permission to change the flower colors to purple since it was B’s favorite color and if she was going to snap at someone it should be me.
My sister went to my mom to ask her if what I said was true and my mom said that I knew the most about B so she had no problem with me changing it. Sister stormed out and didn’t come back.
The funeral came and my sister again tried to get me to stay with her kids and got mad when I said that I will not be excluded from saying goodbye to B and if she has a problem with me being there, then she could leave like she did yesterday.
In the middle of the service, I started to panic. That was my sister and best friend in that coffin and I was going to have to say goodbye to her when I shouldn’t have to. To avoid making a scene, I got up and I went to the bathroom to splash water on my face and try to get myself under control enough to go back in there.
When the water didn’t work I went outside to get fresh air and try to get the panic under control.
Here’s where I may be the jerk.
My sister came out and asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was panicking and I just needed a minute to get myself under control for Mom’s sake so I don’t make her feel any worse.
She then told me that I need to get myself together because I’m “making this about me.”
I snapped at her and told her that the only person who is making things about themselves was her and that she needs to shut the heck up. That I haven’t gotten a break or time to even attempt to cope because I have been taking care of our mother while my sister did the selfish, narcissistic bullcrap she always does.
I told her that I moved away because the thought of being around her makes me so angry I can’t see straight. That she couldn’t take two days out of her crappy life to not be a complete jerk. That B was laying in a box in the building right next to us getting ready to be put in the ground forever and somehow my sister had managed to make her death about herself.
And that I hate her for it.
Am I the jerk for what I said?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Grieving your sister may be the most difficult experience you go through for many years.
I think you are handling the situation with your other sister as well as can be expected. You are angry. This surviving sister provided you with a focal point to direct that anger.
Your best friend/sister is gone and you’re left with another sister that has fingernails on the chalkboard effect on you. That is how it is and you can’t respond to her any differently when she isn’t going to behave differently.
You’ve entered heck, and the only way out is to keep going. You’ll find out what keeps you moving and what sets you back.
Wallow in sadness, if that’s what you need, but don’t stay there. Indulge in anger but don’t live there. Talk about your lost sister because that is how her memory will live on. If I hadn’t cemented the memories of my own lost sister with words, her 23 years of life would amount to a finite number of pictures.
I’ve spent 39 years without her, I remember her very well. Our other sisters… not so much; it angers me but…screw ’em. C was pretty great and they never really saw her because they were so self-absorbed. Sound familiar, OP?” Sidneyreb
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. Your sister is an entitled and disgusting person, making everything about her and not even helping you or anyone else with the funeral or the loss of B.
While you went through the loss of someone you cared about and needed time to take a breather (which is COMPLETELY okay and natural), she thinks you’re the problem. You called her out on her BS and told her off which she deserves. I don’t blame you for going off on her, I would too.
Again, NTJ. I’m very sorry for your loss and I hope that sad excuse of a person gets some brain cells because she’s just awful.” FloridaBug227
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, THE TRUTH HURTS!!
Look your older sister wanted you out of the picture so she could pretend that she was B’s best friend and that they were super close.
She didn’t even pick out colors that were your sister’s favorite, they were probably her favorite.
People like her don’t like to be put in their place, they don’t like being told no, and they always have to have their way. It doesn’t matter what you said, she was going to be the victim and project her own behavior onto you.
I hope your mom stays away from her, I feel like she was bullying her into submitting to whatever she wants.” McflyThrowaway01
5. AITJ For Refusing To Accept An Apology From My High School Bully?
Not all apologies are worth accepting.
“I am 21 now but between the ages of 14-17, I was heavily bullied by my class.
7th to 10th-grade memories are just bullying. They made fun of me being Persian, having a bigger chest, thick hair, and eyebrows, legit anything I did was made into a joke.
Especially by one guy. I will call him HS (Germans will know). HS was a straight-up jerk. Even when everyone stopped harassing me in 10th grade, he intensified it.
When I turned 19, his sister (14 at the time) posted a letter on social media, detailing how she will be in therapy for half a year due to the amount of bullying and crap she got from her ex. Her letter was everywhere online and the reasons she mentioned are almost identical to mine when I was 15.
Ever since then, HS has been trying to contact me to “apologize.” I never let that happen. And to this point everyone supported me.
Around a month ago, an old friend messaged me. HS was in the hospital (can’t say why) and wrote a goodbye letter since he thought he was going to die. This friend works with HS older brother, so he asked her if I could read the part that was left for me.
I did read it due to curiosity. He said he was sorry and all that. He even admitted to rumors he spread that I didn’t know about.
His mom later called me (I still don’t know how she got my number ) and begged me to meet up with him to hear his side. She sounded so broken, and I felt pressured to say yes.
I met with some former classmates that apologized, and I forgave most of them. They explained their wrongs and why it was wrong and wished me well. I kind of hoped this meeting would be like that too.
I met him yesterday, and the meeting was horrible. He only said sorry, and when I confronted him at certain moments, he deflected, not wanting to talk about it.
He was crying constantly, and I had to calm him down. After 30 minutes of just saying sorry and not properly saying what he was sorry for, I told him to grow up and that this was not an apology worthy of accepting.
I blocked him, his mom, and his friends everywhere, and he didn’t reach out yet.
Some friends are on my side and some say I am a jerk because he is definitely sorry due to his letter and his crying. I really did want to forgive him but how do I forgive someone that didn’t acknowledge their wrongdoings?
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are under NO obligation to even acknowledge the existence of those people.
Whatever occurred that put him in a position of apologizing to people he hurt, that’s for him to deal with and sort out. His inability to directly discuss what he did to you could be for varied reasons. For example: Maybe he’s being forced into this mea culpa scenario and the crying isn’t for the pain he caused others rather, it’s for the pain this is now causing him.
Or maybe he’s sincere, but some of the things he did are just too painful for him to own up to. Likely the source of his crying is a selfish reason, not actual empathy. Whatever the case, it’s not your problem.
As for forgiving him, you could understand that he was a kid at the time.
Kids can be brats, usually a projection of some issues they’re dealing with. It doesn’t excuse the behavior at all, just explains it. You are under no obligation whatsoever to accept anything from him or his circle of people.. and seeing how they are all behaving, keeping them on the block would be the better option.
Keep your head up and soar away from their mess.” Kestra_Star
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He bullied you for years. The fact that he is trying to guilt trip you into saying, “I forgive you,” is sick. He wants you to say, “I forgive you,” to relieve himself of that guilt. If he understood how impactful his bullying was, he would be understanding of you not forgiving him and would not expect you to.
He also seems to have boundary issues since after he told him you won’t accept his apology, he won’t accept your answer and keeps pressuring you for the answer he wants. This is a blatant display of disrespect and makes me wonder how sorry he is. I wouldn’t forgive him either.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
One of the risks of being bad on purpose is that you will not be forgiven. No one is owed your forgiveness, and merely feeling remorseful or even becoming a better person does not negate the very real harm you actually suffered – harm that, as a bully, this person inflicted on purpose for no reason other than a desire to cause you to suffer.
It is also no excuse that this person was a child at the time. Children understand that bullying is wrong, and when they engage in it, they do so intentionally. The difference, the lenience, that we afford childhood bullies is that society allows them to grow into decent adults without encumbering them with an adult criminal record.
They do not get to be liked or forgiven by the people they intentionally hurt.” Rojaddit
4. AITJ For Telling My Step Mom She's Evil?
“I (14f) have a stepmom Kora (30-something). My mom (like 30 older than Kora) does not like her and I never knew why until now. My mom has always told me that Kora is the reason why I have 2 birthday parties instead of 1, why we all have to talk through the family wizard app instead of just on the phone, and why we always have had to do switches at the police station.
She told me she is why my mom can’t make decisions for me and has to do whatever my dad says even though she went to court 3 times and she said she’s the reason I have to go to therapy every single week. I used to like Kora and I met her when I was 4 and she was really nice and nice to my mom but my mom said she’s only fake and nice to me to make me think she likes my mom when she doesn’t.
My mom has been saying this for YEARS that she hates Kora and my dad but my dad and Kora don’t say bad things about her to me but I’ve heard them at night talk about how my mom was being mean about something well I wanted to know for myself if Kora is fake so I looked in her laptop at her texts (Apple) and found her and my dad talking crap about my mom.
Kora admits in the texts that she’s the reason I’m in therapy she says she’s so happy they got me in therapy so my mom can’t “damage” me as much as she used to and this is their only way to keep me from ending up like her. They said how they’re sad I can’t be at their house all the time so I’m not affected by my mom being toxic and my dad said she’s lucky he asked the judge not to take days away from my mom.
My dad said he loves me but wishes he chose a different woman to be my mom and he wishes he never brought me into this situation. Kora kept talking about my mom being a bully and literally said she “plays nice” so I can have “at least one positive mother figure”. They said a lot of stuff I read a lot of texts and texts she sent to her friends talking really bad about my mom calling her all types of cuss words.
I took screenshots and sent them to my mom she said she will use them to go to court to win me.
When Kora came home I yelled at her and called her a witch and said she is evil. I told her I saw what she and my dad said about me and was crying and yelling and she started crying and told me she was sorry I saw it and she wants us all to talk about it but she didn’t want to talk about it without my dad.
My dad said we all needed to talk and there was a lot he could not tell me right now because I am not old enough but he wants to do family therapy so maybe we talk about it the safest way possible. Screw that. I told Kora I hate her too and I hate my little brother and sister.
My dad came to talk to me and was crying saying he doesn’t want me to hurt and that we will all go to therapy but nothing is my fault and we will all figure it out together. I feel bad because Kora has been really quiet and leaving me alone with my dad alot but we usually hang out all the time.
My friend said I was a witch so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. And as you get older, you’ll understand more. Why I gave you this judgment is because you invaded their privacy which you should have not done as well as your language. What your mom is doing is not okay and I side with your stepmom and Dad as what your mom is trying to do is horrible.
You probably only know a fraction of what the divorce was like or probably only know a fraction of why they got a divorce. You’re extremely young and when it happened you were a child. They are not going to tell you the full truth and you are not going to know the full truth until you’re probably older and can handle it.
But I’m going to go on a hunch and probably say that the reason why you have to do drop offs at the police station is because of your mom, The reason why you guys can only communicate together on a certain app is probably because of your mom and for the birthday thing again I’m going to say it’s probably because of your mom because your mom cannot play nice or should I say she will not play nice.
Also again with how young you are, you being in therapy is good, especially with what’s going on. I’m not going to say the reason why you are in therapy is because of your stepmom or your mom but because of everything that’s going on with the divorce because of your mom, your stepmom, and your dad.
A divorce can really impact a child And even though they are your parents, they don’t know how to handle everything And with how it sounds like your dad and stepmom don’t want you to hate your mom or them or anyone. They probably put you in therapy so the therapist can help you understand everything that’s going on.
What your mom is doing is parental alienation and I suggest you look and research this term up because it fits what your mom is doing to a T. Your mom does not sound like a good person and she doesn’t sound like she cares for you. She probably does in a way but how you have painted her here, It doesn’t sound like she cares for you and is only trying to get revenge on her ex and is completely fine using you to inflict that pain, Even if it means that you are caught in the crossfire and are going to probably be the one to be hurt the most.
Sit down with your dad or with your therapist and tell them all the things that your mom has told you and everything you read in those messages. As you need to talk to someone about these and that’s the only way you’re ever going to find a way to understand what is going on and what is being said.” afk_scorpio66
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ, but you’re also young.
The fact is, your bio mom has spent years trying to turn you against your stepmom and your bio dad – you acknowledge yourself that they never said anything bad about her, but she is vicious about them. The truth is that your parents had a really bad divorce (obviously), but your dad and stepmom are doing what they can to try and shield you from that: they are amicable, they keep their issues away from you and they put you in therapy (likely so you have an external and unbiased individual to talk things through with, which is invaluable).
On the other hand, your bio mom is trying to win, trying to pull you away from them, and being very open with you about her feelings. She should not be doing that. And the bad thing here is that it worked. She has been saying awful things about them for years, yet you have accepted this, but the moment you found they were doing the same, you turned on them instantly – don’t you see that is a double standard?
One set of your parents is trying to keep the family together and be rational about things, the other is trying to divide you, and you sided with the latter. That’s why you’re a jerk, but also your a kid with a mother that is manipulating you, so the problem here is really her, not you.” Blake_Raven
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because you’re a kid in a tough family situation, but I really hope you go to family therapy.
Your dad and Kora’s actions show that they were trying to protect you from adult issues and give you a stable life. That isn’t fake, it’s good parenting. Kids shouldn’t be pulled into the middle of their parent’s legal battles or relationship problems. Part of being a parent is introducing kids to adulthood bit by bit and shielding them from harsh things about the adult world.
For example, it’s ok for a teenager to have an after-school job, but they shouldn’t have to worry about family finances.
I think maybe you weren’t able to see the motives behind your dad + Kora’s parenting because they protected you so well that you couldn’t see what they were protecting you from. Which is a good thing.
At 14 you shouldn’t have to worry about adult problems, you should be focused on friends and school.
It’s also a good thing that they want family therapy. The texts and your mom’s rhetoric aren’t burdens you should have to bear at 14. It sounds like your dad’s response was very loving and that Kora is trying to give you space.
Therapy isn’t a punishment, it’s to make sure you’re ok during a bad situation. I truly hope you go.” leewardings
Another User Comments:
“I’ll say esh because I’m a stepmom. I’m nice to my husband’s kids because their mom is a crap-talker and only trashed my husband and I. We’re not stooping to her level and because it isn’t healthy for the kids to be in the middle of that, so I’m sorry, but Kora and your dad did the right thing by not letting you see/hear the negative from their side and having you in therapy.
You chose to snoop and were mad at what you found which, yeah, I get it, but they were protecting as parents should. Now a legal battle will happen and now I have to ask since theirs is in text, are you going to openly admit to a judge your mother has openly bashed them to you since day one?
You’re still very young and don’t understand the more adult side of this but what your mother is doing is very unhealthy. Your dad and Kora even after you confronted them only looked to find help and peace for you and to get you all back to a good place.
There’s a saying I like and you may use in the future, Don’t good looking for answers you may not be ready for because you may not like the outcome.” Acelley5
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Unload The Dishwasher?
“I’m depressed, and I hate unloading the dishwasher. I graduated from high school in June and have no job set up yet. I still live at home.
I’m so tired of unloading the freaking dishwasher. My mother somehow managed to take one of the easiest tasks on the planet and make it excruciatingly annoying to do, or maybe I’m the issue.
Because I’m the only one in my family of 6 who doesn’t work yet, I’m in charge of unloading the dishwasher, and lately, doing that twice a day on top of loading it.
It feels humiliating for it to be the only job that I’m trusted with, but my mom won’t give me any others anymore because I won’t put her wants first instead of mine.
Sorry but I’m not just going to miraculously get out of bed when I’ve spent the entire day in it just because you want me to do something I have to do literally every day. What does it matter if I miss it this once? I’m just gonna do it tomorrow. And the next day.
And the day after that. I’m not going to magically stop feeling crappy just so I can function enough to go unload the dishwasher. I’m a daughter when I do and a hermit that has something wrong with them when I don’t.
A lot of the time, it can feel like she doesn’t care about me except for my ability to unload the dishwasher.
I understand it’s a big help, especially when she’s mainly the person who cooks dinner, but what happened to hello? Good morning? How was your day? How are you? She literally woke me up today so I could unload the dishwasher. I literally graduated, and she had a problem that I forgot to unload the dishwasher that day because I was too busy running to Goodwill to buy a dress and getting ready for a moment that will have only happened once in my life.
I think the problem is that my viewpoint on life is that if you want something done, you should do it yourself, and not expect someone else to do it you because it’s your crap. Sometimes my mom expects everyone to do exactly what she wants the second she wants it, and if you don’t, she guilt trips you and says crap like “I don’t know why I even bother asking for help.” She went all witchy on my sister because she didn’t immediately come downstairs and help her make dinner one evening like sorry other people have a life.
Sorry your 23-year-old daughter might have other things going on.
My sister still offered her help, even though she might have been a couple of minutes late, but my mom wasn’t having any of it. She just spewed some aggro bullcrap like “if you help I’m done, goodbye,” and I sat in the living room listening uncomfortably.
My sister even asked if she could at least tell her what she did wrong so she could know for next time not to do it again, but my mom flat out said no. Like what the heck do you want then? You can’t be mad about people not helping you if someone’s actively trying to.
In conclusion, I really think I just need to get out of the house more. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop hating unloading the dishwasher. Should I just grow up and stop complaining?”
Another User Comments:
“Are you honestly here looking for sympathy, cause girl, I got news for you…
YTJ. And entitled. And rude.
And selfish.
You are 18 years old (ish?). So that means, for 18 years, your mother has been doing all of the housework. For 18 years, your mother has been cooking your meals. Washing your dishes. Washing your clothes. Ironing your clothes. Hanging up your clothes. Putting away your clothes. She has cleaned your bathroom. Getting the idea here?
She has done that for at least 23 years (considering your sister’s age) with what sounds like no help, and certainly no thanks.
She has asked you for one job, ONE job out of all of the jobs she has been doing for you, for your benefit, for 18 years (23 for your sister).
Your mother shouldn’t have to ask for help.
She shouldn’t have to remind you to do the one job that she has asked you to do. You are old enough to clean up after yourself, and the fact that, at 18 years old, you seem to expect your mother to still do it all, speaks volumes.
Your mother wants some help around the house, that does not make her the jerk, and it doesn’t make her selfish.
You on the other hand…” floppybunny86
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
So you are 23 years old and your biggest problem is unloading the dishwasher? Your mom has to go after you so you unload the dang thing?
OP, at this age, while not studying, not working, and staying with your parents, you shouldn’t receive a chore list; you should just get your butt out of the bed and do whatever chores need to be done at the moment.
If you are depressed, get yourself some therapy. Remember, you are an adult, and you are responsible for your own health.
Rather than whining about the dishwasher (when I was your age, my family didn’t own one, so I did the actual washing, not just put them in, press a button and get them out), move out and do some adulting.” tatasz
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Yes, you should absolutely grow up and stop complaining. It’s immature, childish, and entitled. You’re too old to act that way. My middle schooler does more chores than you do and doesn’t complain.
You don’t have a job or go to school. You have ONE simple expectation of you and you whine incessantly about it?
You’re contributing absolutely nothing to your household, that must be incredibly infuriating to your mother. Depression or not, it’s time to get your crap together, and quick. If you’re not in treatment, then start now.
If you were my child, I would have already given you a firm deadline to make a choice between three options: A job, college, or eviction.” tcrhs
Yes your mother has took care of your cleaning and needs for years....that doesn't mean you are spoiled.... parents take care of children.
This isn't about the dishwasher.
Helpful tips....find a job so it'll get you out of the house some and give you some independence. That also will help by having you interact with people outside the home which can do wonders on depression sometimes. And find a therapist to talk to just so you have an unbiased 3rd party to talk and vent to.
Maybe to combat your mom, try to be proactive about chores and if you hate the dishwasher, take out the trash or scrub the bathroom for a change in routine while appeasing her temper because you did do other chores to help out like she wants her kids to do.
Good luck going forward, but remember, you need to help yourself get into a better head space.
2. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mom's Partner At My Birthday Party?
Technically, it’s her party, so she should have a say.
“My (F15) mother has been seeing a man for around 10 months, and I met him whenever they were around 2 months into seeing each other. I didn’t interact with him much after I first met him up until recently. He’s constantly at my house, at least once a week.
He’s a loud, immature loser that feels the need to tease me.
He yells at me for small things, like accidentally opening the door whenever he’s busy sleeping and it wakes him up or whenever I accidentally leave the sink dripping. He smokes in the house and makes it smell really bad. He vapes whenever I’m in the car and it makes it hard to breathe.
He makes fun of me whenever my baking comes out badly, I made snickerdoodle cookies a few weeks ago and they tasted so much better than they looked. I was the only one home at the time and he tried one and said they were really good. The next day, I came home from my partner’s house, and my family was sitting in the kitchen, talking.
He points to the plate of my cookies and says “those look like crap” just to make my mom and siblings laugh. I do not like him at all.
My birthday is coming up on October 2nd, and I knew my mom would try to bring him along. He doesn’t live with us, but she constantly feels the need to bring him to every family event.
We were supposed to go to my uncle’s house to celebrate my birthday so I texted my mom, asking to not invite him. He had already messed up my sister’s birthday in August by yelling at her whenever she had a panic attack and started crying whenever they were in a restaurant.
My mom asked why I didn’t want him coming and I told her because I didn’t like him.
She accused me of not liking him because he won’t tolerate my back talk. I don’t even back-talk him unless he starts by making a snarky comment. We argued for an hour over text. She kept asking me why I didn’t want him to come because I supposedly “didn’t give her an actual reason.” I asked her if me not liking him wasn’t a valid reason and she said it wasn’t because everyone else likes him.
My sister, partner, aunt, and grandma all dislike her partner. Eventually, she just said that we’ll cancel the plans to celebrate at my uncle’s and that we’ll just get dinner for my birthday without her partner because she said I’m a jerk and I “hate on him for no reason and always cause a scene,” so am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You have the right to set boundaries and not invite whoever the heck you don’t want at your party. It’s your day, you don’t owe that man anything.
I understand you well because my mom is the same, no matter how her bf treats everybody in the house including her, she chooses him.
Her bf assaulted me last year over a breakfast burrito, and after telling me he’d be out of the house, for some reason, he’s still here. I don’t make a big deal out of it because I am an adult that plans to move out soon, and if that’s who she chooses over me, then that’s on her, but I won’t put myself or my family in any position to see him ever again once I’m out.
Mom’s gonna do what mom’s gonna do, I guess.” Honeybunny245
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Jesus christ this guy sounds like the worst. So many boundaries that he is stomping on and your mother should be the first to jump to your defense. If I had someone around my daughter who smoked with her around or vaped in the car with her I would lose my crap at them.
If my 15-year-old was baking and the cookies tasted great but looked rough, I would encourage her to keep baking because you are at a stage in your life where you should be trying new things and the adults around you should encourage you to look past mistakes and keep doing what you love.
Him yelling at you AT ALL is a big red flag for a dude who has only been around for less than a year, your mum is dropping the ball on this one.
Sorry, you have to deal with this.” Kayp89
Another User Comments:
“NTJ-but I might suggest that the issues are bigger than a birthday party. Consider canceling the party. Then separately talk to your mom about how you can respect her right to pursue this relationship while minimizing your own interactions with him. Try to stay respectful and nondramatic (for your sake, not theirs).
The reason that I say to cancel the party is that some people get pretty entitled and petty about their birthday being just so. I don’t get that from you, but arguing about the party makes this seem like teenage bs that your mom might not want to back down from and I think it’s more than that.” jbwise1221
1. AITJ For Ignoring Part Of My Wife's Family At Our Wedding?
“My wife Kim (36F) and I (33M) just got married but we have been together for 7 years. We’ve been engaged the past 3 years. I’ve met a lot of her family during our relationship. With the exception of her parents and one aunt, the rest have been polite but aloof when I’ve seen them.
Her parents and aunt have always been very nice, warm, and welcoming and treated me like family once it became clear we were serious about each other.
The first couple of years, it didn’t bother me. What did start to bother me was when we were living together and engaged, and holiday cards would be sent and they’d be addressed only to Kim whereas her brothers’ and sister’s cards were addressed to her siblings and their spouses.
Her parents had invited me to some outings with the family only to have the invitation rescinded because aunts/uncles/cousins didn’t want ‘non-family members’ there. Kim would get invited to birthday parties or cookouts and I wouldn’t be- and that’s fair enough since it was their parties and they get to pick their guests.
The only times I’ve had to interact with them was at things hosted by Kim, her parents, or the good aunt.
The straw that broke the camel’s back for me was last year. My mother-in-law sadly passed away. Come the funeral, I was not allowed to sit with Kim. When the surviving family members were read aloud, I was not listed yet her sister’s new husband she’d been with less than 2 years were and other new additions that had been around less time than I have, and they were seated in the family section.
I didn’t say anything about it but afterwards, Kim asked if she had heard right or if I had been left off the list. We visited her dad that night and he apologized to us- he let his two sisters handle all the arrangements for the funeral and they had made the list and their reasoning was that I wasn’t family since Kim and I weren’t married.
We didn’t raise a stink about it and just let it be. Now, we’ve recently had our wedding and it was great, I’m stoked to finally be married to the woman I love. When we were making our guest list, Kim asked about her family members that had always been aloof to me. I told her if she wanted to invite them, I’d support her in that but I wouldn’t interact with them.
She wanted to keep peace so she invited them. At the reception, it was like a switch had flipped in them. They were bubbly, friendly, and kept trying to hug me and “welcome me to the family” but I ignored them in favor for talking to friends and family. At one point the aunts cornered Kim and I when we were going around thanking people for coming and asked Kim why she married a jerk.
I told them I just don’t want anything to do with people who basically ignored me until we were married, and Kim agreed with me. They gossiped about it some more the rest of the evening and some days after on FB posts. Initially, I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong but I do feel bad that it affected Kim too.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Nope, NTJ. They’re allowed to treat you using whatever arcane rules they wanted to for invites to their events, but that didn’t mean there wouldn’t be consequences for their actions.
I’m not sure why you invited them to the wedding at all – why invite them to “keep the peace” if you weren’t going to actually do so at the wedding?
Personally, I wouldn’t have invited them to begin with. Once you were engaged, their behavior became unreasonable and incredibly rude. And to not let you sit with Kim at the funeral? That’s just despicable.
And they didn’t invite you to birthday parties or cookouts because you weren’t married?! What the heck? Did Kim go to them without you?” witcher_rat
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Yes, they were rude to you before you married Kim. That was rude. But deliberately snubbing them at the wedding does not make you better than they were. It just makes you the second witch in the situation.” VerySurlyPerson
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The way they acted was terrible. I would never have acted like that or been allowed to act like that.
My father meet a woman some years ago, and no matter how old I am, if I acted like she didn’t exist, he wouldn’t stand for it. She has been with him for over 10 years now, and I don’t necessarily like her, but I’m always polite. I will talk with her, spend holidays with her, and I even give her gifts for Christmas.
She was also on my grandmother’s obituary and her and my father are not married. They should apologize to you and your wife. I don’t get acting like you don’t exist; especially after you and your wife got engaged. Why still do it? Maybe my family is different. People in my family were able to bring their partner to family get-togethers.” CherryApple_Amazing
Another User Comments:
“You are definitely the jerk. These people excluded you from family activities because you… weren’t family. It’s an unfortunate reality, but people don’t always jump to accept someone’s partner as a family member. When you finally married her after seven years, they were probably ready to finally bring you into the family, but your actions at the wedding show that they were right in not accepting you.
Grow up and apologize.” Ill-Collection-4924
Not allowing you to sit with the family at a family funeral to comfort and support your partner, when y'all have been together for years? Seriously?
The only other jerk in this scenario besides your inlaws is your wife. Why on earth did she not insist that you be treated as family?
