People Are Curious Of How They Appear In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Celebrating My Brother's Divorce?
“My brother just got his divorce finalized. No one in the family liked his wife, she was not a nice person, ie, she’d ask for ideas on what to ‘spend his money on’, was the type of person that celebrated her birthday for 2 weeks and expected everyone to do the same – there were many arguments over that when people in our family didn’t show up for each and every event she planned or wore the shirts she’d make for her birthday, interrupt when people were talking to talk about herself, go running to our mother anytime she asked for something and my brother told her no. The tipping point was when our mother was going through chemo – she had issues with her feet swelling and would elevate them while resting on the couch: the one time we all came to visit my brother brought his wife and she just took the pillow out from under mom’s feet to use it in the chair she was in because she was tired.
Aside from expressing our concerns when they first started going out, we never said anything to him and tolerated her for his sake to not push him away and just griped amongst ourselves.
Now they’re divorced. The day that it was finalized, I took my brother out for dinner and invited some of our friends that hadn’t been able to see him because of his wife.
While we were at the restaurant I toasted his new chapter in life. Someone said ‘Real classy’ and it turned out one of ex-SIL’s friends now works at the restaurant. We finished our dinner, left, and went out for a while longer. I got home and while watching a show with my wife, my phone was going off with notifications.
All messages from my ex-SIL chewing me out for celebrating their divorce. Since my wife wanted to know who was messaging me, I showed her the messages and she’s of the mind that while she understands why no one liked my ex-SIL, celebrating their divorce and toasting it was a jerk move – she thought I had been exaggerating when I said I was taking my brother out to celebrate.
It’s been a few days and my wife is still shaking her head at me over it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why is your wife standing up for her? It is something to celebrate getting rid of a clearly toxic relationship… it’s not like you went and did glamor shots of burning pictures and posted them on the internet, which I wouldn’t be opposed to, but that can be seen as going too far.
But I’m curious as to why your wife is taking her side. Kind of a red flag, to be honest… I also would have gone as far as calling the restaurant and reporting this friend of the EX. That’s her place of work, not her place of gossip and creating drama outside of this place and I would have asked the restaurant to comp the meal. That’s the least they could do.” Feisty_Literature_18
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Divorce sucks. It means a relationship didn’t work and people were unhappy or suffering. That’s not great.
But it’s also, as you said, a new chapter. It’s a time to look forward so people don’t get trapped in the past or fall into the same patterns or habits.
I think it’s good to acknowledge that and celebrate it.
You were looking out for your brother. Good on you. He’s lucky to have you there to point out the bright future instead of dwelling on what didn’t work.” AuroraBlue6
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not a new thing to celebrate divorces, and I don’t think it’s in bad taste as long as the focus is on ‘his new chapter’ and not on any negativities about the former spouse. I’ve seen people celebrate divorces even when they continued to get along with their ex.
Block the jerk’s number and put her in the rearview mirror. Sorry your wife is calling you the jerk. I don’t agree.
And, consider telling the owner of the restaurant that you don’t feel comfortable returning there because one of their servers made a derogatory personal comment regarding an overheard conversation at your table.
That would keep me away from ever returning to a place!” Becalmandkind
19. AITJ Because I Wanted My Brother To Communicate With Me About His Wedding Date?
“At the time I (f) was 27 and my brother (m) was 32. Bro called my parents and then me to tell us the date for his wedding, which would require traveling across the country and then a long way from the airport. I was upset about the date because it was three days after I was starting my first year of grad school and only two weeks after I moved 2k miles across the country for school.
I have a chronic illness that makes things like moving and travel extra hard. I knew I was going to be struggling physically for the first six weeks or so after the move, and tacking on travel would likely extend the length of my recovery.
I worried about my academic performance during that period.
I mentioned how rough this would be on my body and that I might not be fully present for the wedding weekend since I’d be immersed in my schoolwork. Our dad expressed a similar complaint as he was starting grad school at the same time I was, though without the move.
Bro said that was the date, take it or leave it.
In our recent argument, he implied (he was very indirect about his point) that I was the jerk for making it all about me and not congratulating and being excited for him (which of course I did when they announced the engagement).
I thought he was the jerk because, in my experience, it’s pretty standard to ask your close family members and wedding party if there are any dates that absolutely will not work for them. And if there’s some reason you can’t consult with those people, you should be clear as to why.
I was really hurt when he just declared the date. It seemed like his attitude was ‘Well, it would be nice if my sister/parents/etc. are there, but if they’re not, oh well.’ Our parents felt similarly, but they didn’t express it quite as emotionally as I did.
I didn’t bring up the fact that I was hurt that he didn’t even think to ask, which was poor communication on my part, though to me it seemed obvious. Honestly, at the moment I was outright panicking at the idea of traveling cross-country twice in two weeks and starting school in rough shape physically.
I expressed all of that, and he acted like my health concerns were nonsense.
He’d originally said they chose the date because it was a holiday weekend and traveling would be easier for most people. Later my SIL told us that the date was mostly chosen to accommodate her mother’s chemo schedule.
If he’d said, ‘Mom, Dad, Sis, I’m sorry we can’t work with your blackout dates, but this was the only weekend that worked with MIL’s chemo schedule,’ I wouldn’t have complained at all. So it seems like there were communication failures on both sides.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s his wedding and date, and he doesn’t really owe you an explanation as to why it is when it is. You ARE making it about you. Be frustrated, you have a lot going on, I get it, but do not complain to your brother about it.
To expect anyone to schedule their wedding around you is incredibly selfish, and now that you understand why it’s scheduled when it is, instead of backing off you’re whining about his communication? If you can’t make it, send your regrets.” MushroomItchy7180
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
If the bride and groom had to check with relatives to pick a date for their wedding, they would never get married.
You don’t pick a date. You pick the venue and then, you see what dates are available. Your brother and SIL probably had a very limited choice and they decided to go with a day that would work for the mother of the bride, not because of work or school, but because of her medical treatment.
They are never going to be able to please everybody. So they made a choice. If you’re not happy with it, then just don’t go.
And I think weddings are stupid. That should tell you how childish your reaction is to me.” Primary-Criticism929
Another User Comments:
“Based on the information provided, it doesn’t seem like you are the jerk for expressing your concerns about the wedding date. It’s reasonable to expect that close family members and members of the wedding party are consulted about potential dates that may not work for them.
It’s also understandable that you were worried about your health and academic performance during that time, especially given your chronic illness and recent move. It’s possible that there were communication failures on both sides, but ultimately it’s up to the couple to decide on their wedding date.
It’s important for both parties to communicate clearly and respectfully about their concerns and limitations.” KrokenGaming
18. AITJ For Creating A Cheap Dessert Platter Instead Of Buying One From My Sibling?
“I (33) have a kid who just turned 6. We had a big party with all her friends from school. I have a twin Alex who runs their own bakery and is doing very well with it.
Alex’s bakery sells a birthday platter with six different treats on it, like chocolate-covered strawberries.
I asked how much it would cost and I was told 150.00. Which is way too expensive for me to spend on a 6-year-old’s party, especially with other desserts going to be there. Also, I know 6-year-olds don’t care about fancy chocolate that much.
So I bought the stuff for about 40 dollars and spent the day before the party making the small desserts.
It wasn’t too difficult, but not as nice as Alex’s desserts. I put them out at the party and Alex was invited. Alex was extremely upset and left the party. We got into an argument on the phone about leaving and me stealing her birthday platter idea and not supporting my sibling.
It got to the point where our parents sided with Alex and I’m being called a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Like yeah, it’s nice to support your family, but man $150 to not do it yourself. Or spend $110 less than his asking price and take some free time away yourself to get the job done…
I’d personally go with doing it myself because money is super tight. Yeah, it might not look as good as someone who does it for a living, but I’d be satisfied knowing I worked hard to do something for my kid and they enjoyed it.
Sounds like your sibling is a jerk and is upset she couldn’t charge you $150 for a dessert platter for a kid’s birthday party. Like screw me I could set up an entire party for $150 with a cake, balloons, snacks, and decorations.” xOneLeafyBoi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s not stealing if platters with different cupcakes/cookies/other desserts were already invented. Look on Google and you’ll see multiple photos of platters like hers.
It’s likely that she probably got it off the internet too, honestly. If you call or visit other bakeries, you’ll probably find one or two (maybe more) bakeries that sell them as well.
But it feels like she’s mad she didn’t manage to make $150 off you. She sounds like she’s mad that for $40 you could replicate it and not have to spend a lot for six treats.” Merely_Dreaming
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She doesn’t have a patent on dessert platters regardless of if you made it identical or not.
You asked her how much she would charge for it. She decided to quote you the regular customer price and you said no.
If her business is doing as well as you think, then should have either been fine with losing a sale or been willing to come up with some compromise on price to help you out.
If her business isn’t doing as well as you think, then your large party could have been her chance at some cheap advertising to the other families. She gives you a price cheap enough for you to afford, but high enough that she is fully reimbursed for the actual costs.
You use her stuff for the party and make sure everyone knows it came from her, then some of those parents give her a call for their own party.” madmatt911
17. AITJ For Abandoning My Brother And His Kids Because He Won't Turn My Heater On?
“I live with my 35-year-old brother and his wife and 4 kids (3 girls, 1 boy and all 4 and under).
I am basically a live-in Nanny for them and I live in their house rent-free because I don’t have a job. Both my brother and his wife work. When they first got pregnant, they asked me to move in with them with the promise that they would pay me for child care.
Well, that only lasted a month and they proceeded to have 3 more kids in the process. I never complained cause I do live in their house rent-free and I know he really needed the help. Well, they recently came into financial trouble and they now owe an insane amount.
They have both been working extra hours to make up for what they owe.
On to what happened: it’s been really cold lately and because of that the house has been really cold. To turn on the heaters is a process and I don’t know how to do it so my brother has been turning them all on except for my room.
My room is now the coldest in the house. I can’t sleep at night even with all the thickest blankets. I get pain when I am cold so I’m up all night in pain.
I have been exhausted watching 4 kids by myself all day. I have been asking my brother to turn my heater on but he keeps saying he’ll get to it.
Well, a week ago he told me that he was never turning it on cause he needs to keep the bills down.
I asked him if I can just have it on at night and turn the ones in the main room off during the night.
He said no that it’s his house and he’ll do whatever he pleases in his house and I don’t get a say cause I don’t help financially.
I didn’t say anything to him right away. I just texted my mom and asked if she could pick me up.
After she said she could, I told him that my mom was coming and I’ll see if someone can come pick up my stuff soon. He asked me what I meant and I only told him that he needs to find someone else to watch his kids.
Either get a nanny or one of them quits because I am not doing it anymore. He told me that I was being dramatic and that he’ll give me time to calm down. I said I didn’t need time and he told me to think of the kids and how they’re super attached to me.
I said I’ll still see them with a parent present because I don’t plan on babysitting.
At this point, his wife is trying to diffuse the situation and my mom showed up and I asked if it was okay for me to move back in with her and she agreed and said she’ll have my step-dad come pick my stuff up tomorrow.
My brother has been blowing up my phone and he told our dad so now he’s blowing up my phone too. My dad texted me asking how I could abandon them knowing they were struggling.
I feel bad cause I did abandon them but I couldn’t do it anymore.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your brother sure is! Providing childcare and probably helping with housework & meals too is a huge service. It is worth far more than room and board but your brother wasn’t even supplying you with basic human rights. Tell your dad to spend a week in the room you were in WITHOUT your brother turning the heat on, and report back on how his health is.
Exactly how much does he think you should pay to get basic human rights for the privilege of being an unpaid nanny to 4 under 5 years old? Good luck OP – Don’t ever go back, no matter who says what!” J*************1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You weren’t living there rent-free, you were just exchanging a room for work rather than pay.
And originally they thought that your work was worth a room AND money, but then they stopped paying you in money and gave you more work (more kids). Heat is a basic necessity in the cold, and they certainly should have heated the room you sleep in.
Any renter would be entitled to this kind of necessity. Their financial problems aren’t your problem, and they clearly thought they could take advantage of you because you are family. You did nothing wrong, and I am glad you left. You deserve better than that.” NotWithoutHopeYet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They’ve had YEARS of unpaid labor from you. Yes, they covered your living expenses but most people pay that and more out of their WAGES and you haven’t had wages.
Normally you should give reasonable notice (two to four weeks) when leaving employment, but this wasn’t employment, it was slave labor and borders on human trafficking.
They were abusing you financially, and then environmentally – it’s wrong that your room isn’t heated when the lounge room still is.
I am glad you are home and safe now. Go get a job with real people who won’t take advantage of you.
They shouldn’t have had four kids in four years, and whatever else leads to all the debt.
They shouldn’t have exploited you. They shouldn’t have taken advantage of you. While we should support family, family shouldn’t treat us worse than a servant (who gets paid!) in return.” Particular-Try5584
16. AITJ For Not Agreeing With My Partner's Idea Of Our Future Financial Setup?
“My partner (31M) bought a house this year, which is an unprecedented achievement in our country. He earns 5-6 times more than I (27F) do, and we usually split everything in half.
Lately, I’ve been calling attention to the fact that I’m supporting more expenses, but I gave him a discount since he was going to buy a house.
Recently he bought a house and has asked me to move in with him. However, he’s also asked me to pay a ‘symbolic’ rent, which is essentially the same amount I’m currently paying for rent elsewhere.
Additionally, even though he’s hired someone to clean the house, I know that I’ll still be responsible for a lot of domestic tasks.
At first, I suggested that I pay for all the utility bills such as electricity, gas, water, and internet, as well as food expenses, but he didn’t agree and we had a disagreement about it. Eventually, I agreed with him that it would be simpler to pay a fixed amount instead of splitting the bills and creating any entropy.
The discussion has become more intense because I mentioned that I will be able to buy a house by the end of the year. I explained that it wouldn’t make sense for me to continue paying him rent if I have my own place. I suggested that we find a solution that works for both of us.
However, he thinks he is being overly generous, and he says that I would still be benefiting by paying that amount.
Since I’ve been with him, I’ve had very high expenses, and I’ve told him several times that I can’t keep up with his lifestyle and that he should support some costs, at least half, because I currently don’t have the capacity to handle both expenses.
He works very hard to make real income, and from the start of our relationship, I have been the one taking care of the domestic chores, cooking for him, and helping out with grocery shopping. When we go out to eat, we split the bill, and I don’t mind doing all this for him because he is amazing.
He expressed gratitude for my efforts but also stated his hope that I wasn’t doing them expecting financial gain. He went on to share his vision for the future, stating his preference for separate accounts and everything being kept separate. He suggested that I live in his house by paying rent to assist him with his credit, but emphasized that the house would always remain his property.
He also mentioned that even with children, he would like everything to be equally divided.
I explained to him that I can’t keep up with his lifestyle as I won’t earn as much as he does. However, he became skeptical and hurt, implying that I’m only with him for his money and calling me an idiot for not understanding the situation, and for not seeing things as they are.
My friends have told me that he’s taking advantage of me and that I’m just a convenience for him for now. I’m starting to wonder if they’re right. Should we be more individualistic in our approach to finances, or should we work together to build a good life and acquire property?
Am I the one being unreasonable here?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know, this guy just comes off as someone who would feel frustrated that his plans got delayed if someone had a medical emergency, you know? Like he is all me, me, me with no generosity.
If you want to be with someone like that, you either need to be a doormat who expects nothing, no consideration, no back and forth or someone who is so self-focused themselves that they are just relieved to not be the only one who doesn’t want to do anything that doesn’t benefit them.
Don’t you want to be with someone who would pick up some of the burdens if you were having a tough time without complaining or feeling put out? NTJ but consider how it’s going to feel when you twist an ankle or have a life crisis and he is counting the pennies to make sure you pay him back for the gas he spent driving you to the hospital or airport.” SnooPets8873
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s obvious that he is using you as a free maid + as a means to further his financial gains effortlessly. But it goes beyond that. He insults you. He wants you to live in a house that you would be largely paying for, but that would always remain only under his name.
And even before having kids, he sees you as his unpaid maid.
This guy sounds possessive. He wants to use the house to control you and prevent you from moving out, as he’d be keeping all the family assets as his personals. This is not a healthy situation and not a safe one.
Imagine you have kids, but you have to stop working at some point during the pregnancy because of health issues. Or you are staying home for a while to raise your children – which sounds like what he’d be expecting of you, as you are already solely responsible for domestic tasks.
He already belittles you for wanting financial independence and equality in your relationship. If your financial situation worsens, or if he has any means to further control you – like having children together – what will it be like for you?
Someone who doesn’t even want to try building a healthy, equitable relationship is a red flag.
Also, I may sound paranoid, but run (safely) and definitely don’t give him the address of the house you’ll buy or rent.” Somebodycalled911
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s not amazing. He’s just carefully crafted himself to be.
Think about it this way, if he was the version of himself you tell yourself he is, would he really be trying to force such an aggressive, one-sided change in the relationship?
It’s all well and good to look at someone with rose-tinted goggles, but when you reach the point where you need to justify their choices and behavior, it’s time to take them off and objectively look at them.
This man does not view you as an equal, and he both demands and expects you to put yourself in a position where you will be losing and he will be gaining; a position where he doesn’t stand to lose anything in the relationship but you would lose everything if he wanted out.
It may be hard to hear, but it’s time you get out. He’ll be angry at you, blame you, and spread malicious lies about you to the effect of only being with him for his money. When that happens, remember: when people show you who they are, believe them.
A relationship where you’re not treated as equal is the most toxic mistake you could make for your life.” WriteAnotherWoods
15. AITJ For Choosing To Go By A Different Name?
“I (F19) am adopted. My birth parents were really horrible people. My mom was a heavy drinker that drank while pregnant with me and my dad was in jail for horrible crimes.
I recently started going by another name because my adoptive parents didn’t change it. I do this because I hate the association with my birth family and what they did to me.
My adoptive parents recently found out that some people call me Monika instead of the name they gave me and they got really mad and told me I wasn’t their daughter.
I tried explaining to them why I changed it and they just won’t understand. I never meant to hurt them I just don’t wanna be associated with my birth parents.
AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your name is yours to change, however you want.
I’ll never understand parents that get angry about their kid changing their name, they aren’t the ones that have to go by it. There’s also literally no excuse for them to say something so cruel to you. If they don’t apologize for that, I’d probably go low or no contact if I were you, because that’s a pretty appalling lack of care for your feelings.
They chose to adopt you, they absolutely signed up for the long haul and that includes you making decisions they don’t agree with.” ArielxLazarus
Another User Comments:
“No, you are not the jerk.
The fact your adoptive parents said that you weren’t their daughter is horrible and I’m sorry that they said that to you.
Give them some time to calm down, when they are over the shock of the whole thing I hope they understand.
You do you though. Don’t let anyone dictate your life.” Straight_Good_8682
Idk how to vote.
14. AITJ For Making My Nephew Wear "Diapers"?
“I (M32) had my brother, nephew, and sister-in-law over for Easter weekend. ‘SIL’ for short.
My nephew (13) still wets his bed. I was informed when asked that he no longer does it. I took my SIL’s word on that, and we planned on him having the living room at night, they took the guest room. I asked again. Was told no, so I went with it.
Saturday morning I find that my couch and spare blankets have been soaked. ‘Wet vacs are life-saving’. I confronted SIL and she blew it off as an accident. ‘It hasn’t happened in ages’. Which, after drilling my brother, was a lie. He was still doing it, regularly.
I asked why she lied, and she tried to deflect by making me out to be at fault and upsetting my nephew. He was fine, he even apologized. He was embarrassed, what kid wouldn’t be?
I asked my brother why they didn’t bring anything for him to wear.
I was told my SIL wouldn’t allow it. That he was too old for ‘diapers’.
In the same conversation I find out that while he has plastic sheets, she lets him soak his pajamas and blankets. She’s content with making HIM wash them when it happens.
That’s not bad, but can’t be comfortable for him.
So I went out and bought him a small bag of Goodnites. I pulled him aside after dinner and asked if he’d be willing to wear one to bed. He did get upset, but not to the point of crying.
But looked dejected.
SIL found him sitting on my couch looking at one of them and blew a gasket.
Started yelling at HIM for having them. I told her I bought them and she started yelling at me. Turned to my brother for some help and he just shrugged his shoulders.
Turns out it’s an old-fought argument that he’s given up on.
SIL told me I can’t force him to wear them, she wouldn’t allow it. I told her I wasn’t forcing him, but that I gave them to him. I’m letting HIM decide if he’s willing to use them.
She snatched the one he was holding off of him and then ranted that her boy is too old for ‘diapers’. Waving the thing around. She tossed it in the kitchen bin and stomped off to yell at my brother about how much of a jerk I’m being to their son.
The day went on as planned. We all went to bed and the next morning I had a dry couch and dry blankets. Like a champ, he tried one. SIL got smug about the dry couch and blankets but then flipped when she found him wearing one of them.
She started scolding him for it. Not for wetting again, but for wearing a ‘Diaper’.
My brother put a stop to it though. He wouldn’t let her yell at him for it, so she started on me again.
My nephew was told by two out of the three adults that he was fine and was happy to get his easter basket after the fuss was over.
My parents later showed up for dinner, my SIL tried to get them on her side.
He ended up using another one Sunday night and I tried to let him take the rest home, but SIL wouldn’t let him.
So AITJ for giving my nephew pullups against his mother’s wishes?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your SIL is awful. This poor kid has a physiological issue he can’t control and all the adults around him are making him feel like crap about it.
Your intentions were kind, but you gotta imagine it’s not a good call to buy a kid pull-ups when his parents explicitly forbid them and call them ‘diapers.’ For a kid that’s going to be even more traumatizing.
But that’s on your SIL, not you.
They however are absolute jerks for not addressing these issues when traveling. Your poor nephew.” airy_dair
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am not sure what would be more embarrassing for the kid, discreetly wearing the diaper or making a huge mess that everyone finds out about.
While I agree the SIL is being very unreasonable, I can appreciate how this is a very embarrassing and stressful issue for the entire family. This makes it incredibly difficult to travel and that poor kid must feel such shame. It would be heartbreaking to watch your teen go through that.
If his parents were decent, they have likely tried everything to get it to stop, but it isn’t helping. Or if they haven’t, they need to speak to a pediatrician. I imagine tempers were just running hot here. I get that SIL was probably just trying to treat her teen maturely, but the fact is that he has a medical issue that must be managed. Soiling other peoples’ property is just not acceptable.” wirylime
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. Usually, I’m generally anti-going against parents’ wishes, however, your nephew’s issue has caused the soiling of your own property, which you have a right to protect. Your nephew also has the right to choose how he deals with his problem, and to have minimal mess to wake up to, and therefore you did the right thing for him and for yourself.
His parents are huge jerks because they don’t seem to be dealing with the issue at hand – your nephew should be seeking medical advice, in order to ascertain if he has a mental health condition causing him to wet the bed, or a urinary tract issue causing a lack of control – ignoring it could make things worse.
Your nephew’s parents are also jerks for knowing he has this problem and bringing him to stay in other people’s homes on an overnight basis, and knowing that other people’s beds or sofas can be ruined in the process.” majesticjewnicorn
13. AITJ For Not Heating Leftovers For My Husband To Eat?
“I have been off the last 4 days.
So I finally had a chance to do some spring cleaning. I deep-cleaned the whole house. Yes, this did take all 4 days. I did bathrooms, fans, oiled wood tables, opened and cleaned windows everything. My husband sees I am off and I have had to serve him every meal since I am home.
90 percent of the time I don’t mind. Yesterday I was tired and was making steaks for dinner so I didn’t feel like making a breakfast omelet too. He got upset and I ended up making both breakfast and dinner since I didn’t want to fight but he says I made a face.
After dinner last night I packed up leftovers and made it clear that I would not be making ANYTHING tomorrow. Everyone agreed since I work today. When he got off work this morning I served him something quick to eat. I have a hotel booked for this weekend for us.
I was trying on clothing and packing when he asked to heat up his leftovers. I said, ‘I told you yesterday I wasn’t making anything today.’ He responded with ‘you’re going to make a problem over heating something up on my birthday month.’ I responded with ‘I am tired and explained yesterday you keep making problems with me over food’.
He turned it around and said ‘No you’re making the problems over food. You just don’t want to serve me anything anymore. Cancel the reservation I’m not going anywhere. Thanks for ruining my birthday month!’ Now I did heat the leftovers which of course he refused to eat.
And the reservation is too late to cancel so now I’m out money too.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Are you sure you have a husband? Because he sounds like he regards you as a servant.
He sounds like a creep. He gets upset because you wouldn’t make him a breakfast omelet?
And even when you do he says you ‘made a face’? Controlling, judgmental creep.
Serving leftovers involved heating up food. That’s all. It’s an incredibly simple thing to do. For him to have such resentment over having to do this speaks volumes.
Ruined his birthday month?
Seriously? How coddled does a person have to be to expect everything to be perfect throughout their entire birthday month?
I say go on the trip on your own! Bring a friend if you can, but go anyway. Give a few days away from Mr. Creep.
Let him take care of himself!
This man has been too indulged for far too long. Sounds like he wants to keep you completely under his thumb. Reassess your relationship before it’s too late!” stroppo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re not stay-at-home. He’s not your job.
He’s your partner. Change your reservation, and go someplace he doesn’t know without him. Leave a note and some pizza money since his hands don’t work.
I’m not saying you should leave. But, I think you should take some time and consider it. God didn’t make you for a lifetime of servitude in your own home to someone who is supposed to love you, but apparently doesn’t even appreciate your efforts.
At the very least, it’s time to renegotiate how household duties are shared.” Yui_Ma
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you communicated your boundaries clearly and he ignored them. The bit that stuck out to me most in your story was ‘Yes this did take all 4 days.’ Anyone who has deep cleaned an ENTIRE house before wouldn’t doubt for a second that it could take 4 days… I suspect you wrote that because your husband has been gaslighting you into thinking you don’t do your chores fast enough.
So not only do you have a job, serve him every meal, and do the cleaning, but you have to tolerate him giving you crap about the way you do those things too?? NTJ NTJ NTJ all day long.” incredimp
12. AITJ For Sneaking Behind My Husband's Back And Enrolling My Stepdaughter In Boarding School?
“I (29F) am married to ‘Sam’ (51M) and have 1 stepdaughter Laura (16F). ‘Laura’s’ mom ‘Kate’ died when she was a baby but Sam has always kept her image alive in Laura’s life by keeping Kate’s family and friends in Laura’s life.
Kate went to a boarding school when she was a teen and even went back to teach there for a while, it was the best time of her life according to videos she took when she was there and from what her family and friends told us.
Laura has always wanted to go there when she was a kid but we said no as it was too far (in a neighboring country) and she was too young. But now that she’s older she is more decided on going there. Sam keeps saying no, he’s worried she might become distant from him living so far away, and that she might fall into bad company.
I disagree I think at 16 she’s more than responsible enough, and it will only be for two years. He still kept saying no and Laura was pressuring me to convince him. I kept being stuck between them.
The deadline kept coming nearer and Laura kept crying to me about it begging me so I decided to go ahead and apply (she needed me to pay the application fee) even though Sam was against it (he knew I was applying).
She got in and I went ahead and paid the tuition. Sam is now very mad at me, he says I had no right and the mood around our house is intense. Kate’s parents agree with me as do my in-laws but my SIL says I had no right.
AITJ? I don’t know what to do. How do I convince him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
At first, I thought you’re gonna be the literal evil stepmother, but this is very wholesome. I think you did the right thing, it is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and if your husband has his way in the end, the kid can still not go.
but I imagine the kid is definitely happy and knows that she can depend on you for support, which is nice. I can see that you all have your own struggles and motivations in all this, and I think you have plenty of time to see a family therapist so that everyone can see eye to eye.” Bo_O58
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You are both her guardian, and it sounds like the extended family is in agreement that she goes. But the most important point is that you applied so that you would still have time to choose what she does.
There is still room to improve the situation and compromise. Can all of you go to a few family therapy sessions to discuss the fears and desires around your stepdaughter going to school? Would he be willing to participate in that? It also sounds like this is emotional for Dad beyond the reasons he is giving.
If not a counseling session to get some mediation, then you all can propose a ‘trial basis’ for going to the school. If he is afraid about her grades or ‘the wrong crowd,’ then stipulate that she needs to get a certain level of grades and call every week.
She has a track record of being a great student and acting maturely, so this should be very achievable.
It can be very frustrating, in your stepdaughter’s shoes, to feel like there is no level of perfection good enough for you to prove you can be trusted. I am so glad you stepped in so at least you all can keep the conversation going.” moreKEYTAR
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is stepmom of the year territory. Your willingness to do the right thing for her at all costs is inspiring. You are absolutely doing the right thing and she will always appreciate you for that. Although you are not her mother, I’d imagine she will view you in similar regards more and more as time goes by.
You have done everything you can to help your husband see the light. I would really emphasize the damage your husband will inflict on his relationship with his daughter if he prevents her from attending.
Doesn’t he see that the great woman he married first turned out to be a great human and attended this boarding school?
He also married an incredible woman when he married you. He needs to trust the 3 most important women in his life excluding his mother (including his deceased wife). If I was writing a movie about an awesome stepmom, that character would’ve done exactly everything you have done.” Mysterious-Ad3756
11. AITJ For Choosing My Mom To Walk Me Down The Aisle And Not My Dad?
“I was adopted. From what I could deduce, it was mostly Mom’s decision. Both (adoptee) parents have been in my life; both have provided for me. It’s just that emotionally, Mom is more present. To his credit, my father has taken care of me in many ways like a good father does, it’s just that we have never been close and he has never felt like a father to me, more like a good family friend.
He has had his struggles with depression and heavy drinking, so he wasn’t always present in the formative years as he went in and out of rehab.
When he finally came out for good, I was 11, and my brother was 13 (not adopted). They were able to rebuild their relationship and got on spectacularly well, while I was left out.
You’d envy them if you could see them; they’re like brothers, they’re like best friends. I admit this may have left me with some bitterness and may have influenced my decision.
Two years ago I met the love of my life and we agreed to tie the knot just recently.
I asked my Mom if she could walk me.
You should’ve seen the look on her face. Pure joy, she was over the moon. I know Mom has her fair share of low self-esteem and doubt, so clearly this request made her feel very special.
News broke out, and the family heard of it. Aunts and grandmas who never gave me the time of the day are suddenly very invested in our wedding and very angry with me. Uncles and grandpas who always ignored me suddenly called to tell me they were very disappointed in me.
The pressure has made Mom tell me sadly she doesn’t want to walk me anymore, and I know she’s only saying that because they’re mad.
An aunt told me regardless of how I feel about my father, nothing takes away the fact that he is my father and the honor of walking me belongs to him.
He may not have been perfect, but he stuck around when he could and provided for me, that’s far more than my own good-for-nothing father ever did.
I see her point, and coupled with the fact that Mom has pulled out I almost changed my mind.
I told my mom I still want her to walk me, but now I feel like an ungrateful jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Father giving the bride away is a pure sexist tradition from when women couldn’t have their own bank accounts or the right to vote, where the father ‘owned’ his daughter and ‘gave’ her away like his property to another man.
It’s pure misogyny that dictates you or any bride has to be given away at all.
You are not anyone’s property, and in 2023 we should all do better.
You can walk down the aisle with anyone of your choosing because it’s your choice.” Sea_Rise_1907
Another User Comments:
“We don’t live in the Middle Ages anymore! Women aren’t chattel owned by men. As such a father doesn’t need to be the one giving a daughter to the groom. You give yourself.
You have asked your mother to really be beside you as she has all your life!
The opinion of extended family who was never interested in you shouldn’t be relevant, though I appreciate your mother obviously feels more cowed by their attitudes than you do.
Remind her how much she means to you, that in this day and age is often not the father that walks the bride down the aisle, and that it would be a true honor and looking memory for you if she would do this for you.
Perhaps you can find a space for your dad in a smaller capacity, elsewhere in the wedding?
Wishing you best, and NTJ, obviously.” YouSayWotNow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I am a marriage celebrant, and it is common to have unwanted opinions forced on you. But this is your wedding.
I suggest something a little different. Let your dad accompany you down the aisle – but have a special inclusion in the ceremony that is a surprise for mum. If you look up ‘Rose Ceremony’, you can present mum with a rose to say thank you for everything she has done.
Write your own message and either attach it to the rose for her to read privately, or you read it aloud in public when you present it to her. Your partner could also do it for their mother.
It’s powerful and meaningful and will give your mother so much more that just you and her can share.” lokiismycopilot
10. AITJ For Not Helping My Daughter Solve Her Problem With The Substance Test?
“My (63F) daughter (19F), a daily smoker, recently interviewed for a job as a home health aid. She lives with us and is going to community college full-time so this is a part-time job while she is in school. She has worked fast food jobs and this job really appealed to her.
She has a talent for helping people when they are sick, so think this is a really good fit for her. However, and I told her, I had reservations about it because it involves a substance screening and she will not pass.
My daughter suffers from ADHD and borderline personality disorder.
She tends to be rather impulsive and gets herself into trouble. She recently had her car seized for illegal activity but they did not charge her. This is following other impulsive decisions involving driving, shoplifting, overspending, and other activities that have brushed her with the law, although she has yet to be charged or convicted and has been lucky.
We are polar opposites, so it has been a process to accept her as she is. I try to guide her as best I can but cannot keep her from herself.
She quit her fast food job when she interviewed for the home health aide and they told her she had the position, pending the substance and TB test. So she went to training and came out glowing about how much this job was for her and how much she loved it.
I was so happy for her but worried in the back of my mind about how disappointed she would be when the substance screening may eliminate this possibility for her right now.
She asked my husband and me about how to sneak in someone else’s.
We talked for about 15 minutes together about it, and I was under the impression that she was persuaded not to do this. Then, two days later, she was scheduled for the test and I was to drive her (we won’t let her use either of our cars because she has gotten in many accidents, including totaling our previous car).
That morning, she asked me, very matter-of-fact, if I would provide her with urine for the test. I was dumbfounded and told her that I thought this matter was closed. She then told me that she said no such thing. I said that I would not provide her with urine.
She asked me because, now having no job and no money, and no car, she is dependent on me. She said if I had allowed her to use the car, she would have taken care of this with one of her friends’ urine samples.
She texted: ‘ok fine be like that but if I can’t get another job, go into debt, and my credit drops simply because you’re uncomfortable with the idea of me using someone else’s urine to pass a substance test for my dream job I will resent you forever’.
She said I needed to drive her around to find another job. I was so angry I said she was on her own for that. She has $150 in Uber cards (from me and my sister when she lost her car) and can do that on her own.
I felt supremely manipulated by this and very angry. I refused still to give her urine and will not back down. She has spent the last 24 hours holed up in her room seething at me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – She knew from the start that a substance test would be required and she applied anyway.
If she really wanted this job, she could have stopped smoking for a while and waited to apply once the substance was out of her system. She quit her other job knowing that she needed to pass a substance test for employment at this new job.
She put herself in a bad situation and her plan was to manipulate you into helping her. If your daughter puts herself into debt and her credit drops? That’s on her. She needs to take responsibility for her actions.
I also have to say – the idea of someone with a history of shoplifting providing in-home care for medically vulnerable people, many of whom are also elderly, makes me extremely uncomfortable.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s not like the people running these tests are out of the loop. They’re aware people try to be sneaky with them, and they have various ways to tell if someone’s trying to sneak in urine that isn’t theirs.
Your daughter is an adult, she was aware this place did substance tests, and she quit her old job before she got a new one.
You say she’s impulsive, but at some point, she’s going to have to learn that there are consequences for that impulsiveness. At some point, her luck was going to run out.
She’s also an adult, applying to adult jobs. She needs to be handling those on her own, not relying on her parents to patch things up in the background for her.” kxaltli
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I can’t get over the fact you think your daughter is a good fit for this! Do you realize caring for people when they’re sick (bringing them food, meds, etc.) is NOT equivalent to what a home health aide does?
It involves working with people who have (maybe long-term) limited ability and increased needs, including bathroom/incontinence needs.
Do you seriously think your daughter, who isn’t emotionally mature enough to realize her current driving and living situation and dependency on you is her own fault and has limited self-control right now, is a good fit for this?
She would literally be taking people’s quality of life in her hands and seeing to it, but she can’t even make good choices for herself right now. I would really not say it’s a good fit for her right now. She needs to take care of her own well-being first before she can care for someone else.” iolight
She can't drive, she smokes, and she's irresponsible enough to have wrecked at least 3 cars from what I read; how, exactly, is she a good fit for a job taking care of others when she clearly can't care for herself?
Time for some tough love.
9. AITJ For Thinking It's Too Soon For My Sister-In-Law To Be Seeing Someone Else?
“So my (29f) older brother Ben (35m) passed away 6 months ago.
He was married to Veronica (34f) for 8 years and together for 3 years prior to being married. They have one child together who is only 7.
My SIL recently admitted she is seeing another man. When my family expressed concern and disapproval she went even further to admit that she ‘kept it discreet for the first couple months’.
Meaning she was probably seeing the other man as early as 4 months after my brother’s passing.
My parents are incensed, but I think they went a bit overboard. They seem to think my SIL should wait until her child is grown to see people again which seems ridiculous to me.
When they said this to SIL I did voice my disagreement with that and told them that was a ridiculous expectation. But also told SIL it still seems too soon to be moving on and that this is hard news for all of us. It just feels disrespectful to my brother when he’s barely cold and in the ground.
She left and is ignoring my texts. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
People mourn differently and the mourning can last however long it needs to be. If she’s gotten over your brother to the point where she’s ready to see people again, then by all means let her be.
Though I can understand why they and you would say it’s too soon. Also to wait til the child grows up? I’m sorry that’s ridiculous lol. She will still be a part of her child’s life, but not necessarily yours or your parents’. She has custody of her child, not you.
You just gotta hope her new interest is willing to take her knowing she has baggage.
Also, I don’t think your brother would want her to be stuck on him after death because technically he’d be holding her back. He’d want the best for her, or should at least.” JustYbbil
Another User Comments:
“I have a feeling you and your parents will not be seeing the child much anymore. You and your parents are upset, but you don’t get to tell people how to grieve. You can try to push back against her, but you will lose because it’s her life and her kid’s.
No jerks here, but a lot of people who are hurting. But unless you get over your expectations for how long she should stay single, it will result in her cutting you all out of her family’s life. So pick which is most important to you, trying, without any means of success, to police your former sister-in-law’s conduct or being there for your brother’s kid.
Also, let this go. It’s not your or your parents’ place to tell her how to feel or what to do. If you hold on to resentment, it will come out and cause a lot of emotional damage.” WebbityWebbs
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You (and your parents) are certainly allowed to feel your feelings.
I’m sorry for the loss of your brother.
What you feel and how you behave are two different things.
Your SIL kept things on the down-low but if it’s looking like a relationship that might stick, she will want to tell people who are connected to her through her child.
Letting you know showed respect for your feelings, and prevented you from finding out from the kid…
If you want to keep your nibling in your life, you will have to practice acceptance of your SIL’s grief process and future decisions, within reason. This means not necessarily telling her everything you feel.
Seek validation for your feelings elsewhere. Sharing your judgment with her is a quick way to alienate her. And presuming that your feelings should be considered as she figures out how to move forward is inappropriate.” Amiedeslivres
8. AITJ For Stopping Giving Free Piano Lessons To A Kid Who Broke My Piano?
“I am a professional musician and music teacher, and I have a piano in my home that I use for lessons.
Recently, my neighbor’s daughter accidentally damaged the piano while playing it, causing significant damage to one of the keys. The repair cost was around $500, which was a lot of money for me to pay out of pocket. When I spoke to the girl’s mother about the damage, she was apologetic and offered to pay for the repairs, which I agreed to.
Later on, the mother called me back and explained that she couldn’t afford to pay for the repairs and asked if I would still be willing to give her daughter free piano lessons. I felt torn because I could understand how important music lessons could be to a young child, but at the same time, I knew that my time and services had value.
So, I explained to the mother that while I would love to help her daughter, I couldn’t afford to give lessons for free.
Instead, I suggested a payment plan or a discount on future lessons. The mother seemed to understand and agreed to my proposal. However, a few weeks later, I found out that the mother had been spreading rumors about me being greedy and heartless, which hurt my feelings.
As for the little girl, I felt sorry that she had to go through this experience, especially since she was so passionate about playing the piano. I wanted to help her, but I also had to be realistic about my own financial situation. So, I suggested that she could try looking for other options for lessons or even try to save up some money to pay for lessons in the future.
The cause for the piano damage was my fault and I definitely do accept that since when the piano lesson was going on, I had to leave the room because of an urgent phone call. While I was out she opened the piano and spilled water on it.
But still, I felt like not having any compensation was not fair.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I love the fact you desire to help a passionate child develop her interest. You’ve also admitted culpability (at least here) as you left the child to her own devices due to an urgent phone call.
Things happen when you least expect it.
BUT, the mother is out of line and just wants things for free. First, she said that she’d reimburse you for the damage then later on is trying to barter down to no restitution and free lessons. THEN, she has the audacity to talk about you behind your back – all of which affects your livelihood.
You tried to be creative with solutions. What is to say she wouldn’t be doing this if your piano hadn’t sustained costly damage?
I feel for the little girl but before you help her – think of this: you can’t support others when you aren’t supported yourself..” PPPMay-0574
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP, it’s so unfortunate that the little girl damaged your piano, and from what it sounds like it wasn’t intentional. That being said, I can’t blame you for not wanting to give the girl piano lessons anymore as she damaged your piano and there’s a chance it might happen again in the future.
Also, the Mom of the little girl sounds extremely entitled not just for refusing to pay for the damages that her daughter caused, but for asking that you give up even more money by giving her daughter free lessons when you’re a professional music teacher.
Imagine the audacity, ‘I’m sorry my daughter damaged your piano while playing on it. She obviously damaged it because she doesn’t know how to play the piano properly, so maybe if you give her some lessons then she won’t damage it in the future. Oh, but I shouldn’t have to pay for the lessons because you teaching her how to properly pay is the payment itself.’
No matter how you look at it, OP, this woman’s reasoning doesn’t make even the slightest bit of sense, and I’m glad you didn’t cave to her ridiculous demands.” Desolation19
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You needed $500 to have the piano fixed (which absolutely had to be done in order for the lessons to continue to their full potential), and the backtracking alternative option that the girl’s mother made was one that would not have assisted with paying that cost. In addition, anyone who spreads nasty rumors about another person is always in the wrong.
You mentioned suggesting a payment plan that the mother rejected. Did that include, by any chance, her paying a fraction of the cost and you paying the rest of it, like half-and-half? If that was what you meant, then that makes the situation even worse and further reinforces my NTJ ruling, given that it’s the next best solution to one party paying the $500.
If not, maybe you could posit this idea?” ABBAcadabra1210
7. AITJ For Not Tolerating My Sister's Eating Habit?
“My (32f) half-sister (14f) was recently expelled from her boarding school and our dad asked if she could stay with me until he figures something out for her. Our dad is very wealthy and she can be pretty spoiled but it’s only a few months so I agreed to let her stay with me, my husband, and our kids (3f, 5f, 9m).
She’s been here for a few weeks and it’s been rough but she’s still adjusting. She hates that her room is also my husband’s office, even though she gets out of school at 3:45 and he’s usually out of there by 4, there’s just a desk and computer in the corner that she can’t touch, can’t stand that she has to go to public school, and can be very critical of the food/rules/routines.
I do all of the cooking in the house and sometimes I need a break but a typical restaurant can get pretty expensive so every Thursday I take the kids to Costco and they can eat whatever they want. My sister always refuses to eat there so I’ll make her a sandwich or heat up leftovers for her when we get home but yesterday she insisted that I take her somewhere else to eat since it’s not fair she’s the only one that ‘has’ to eat sandwiches or leftovers.
I told her she is welcome to try Costco food but if she doesn’t want to eat it, she has to eat whatever we have at home. She started complaining about how I’m so unfair and it’s not her fault she’s used to better foods than what I give her.
I didn’t give in and she refused to eat dinner last night.
I got a call from our dad today saying to just let her eat what she wants and he’ll pay for her but it’s not just about her. First of all, I’d have to drive to pick up whatever she wants, and second, my kids are eventually going to notice she’s getting takeout from nicer restaurants and will eventually ask for what she has, then I’m going to have 3 kids arguing that it’s not fair instead of just her.
My dad tried to pull the ‘she’s still adjusting to a different lifestyle’ excuse again so I told him if he wants her to stay here, she has to live by the same rules as everyone else.
Now neither of them are happy so I wanted to know if I should just give in.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, OP, this is a good chance for your sister to learn that sometimes people don’t always get what they want just because they demand it.
Keep being a good parent/sister, and over these couple of months, there’s a chance that she’ll recognize that not always having the fanciest things doesn’t make someone less of a person.
She’ll hate it at the moment, but if you take great care of her in spite of her entitled attitude sticks in her mind – she might just grow out of it.
Besides – you are doing your dad and her a favor by letting her live with you.
You agreed to let her live at your house, you did not agree to also be her personal servant.” Baileythenerd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like little sis needs some hard lessons on not always getting away with everything.
But OP I have to ask… What’s the long-term plan here?
Because my bad feeling is your Dad’s claim to ‘figure it out’ is in truth a plan to just leave your sister with you during the school year while he enjoys his job and only sees her on breaks like a Disney Dad while you do all the hard work of raising her for him.
You need to speak to your husband about whether you’re both okay with that. If you are that’s fine, but if you aren’t you need to sit Daddy Dearest down and firmly give him a deadline of when he needs to have her out of your house.
Yes, he has work but he is also a parent. He needs to stop throwing money at his kid and actually be present.” Reevadare1990
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for offering her what you have available.
‘It’s not fair she’s the only one who has to eat sandwiches or leftovers’ is twisting the truth.
The reality is ‘she’s the only one choosing to eat sandwiches or leftovers’.
It’s too bad that she has to adjust to a lower cost standard of living due to the consequences of her own decisions. However, if she didn’t want to live like most of us, then she has to behave in a way that doesn’t get her expelled from school.
That’s reality.
I suppose the trouble with reminding her of that could cause her to see staying with you as a punishment instead of the gift of kindness that it is.
Maybe as a compromise, if she’s willing your dad can finance some ingredients (since when learning and experimenting there can be a lot of waste) and you two can cook together?
She’ll acquire a useful skill and get more choice in what is served, and maybe she’ll enjoy cooking and helping?” latents
6. AITJ For Telling My Stepdaughter's Mom To Prepare Packed Lunch For Her?
“I have a 14-year-old stepdaughter. I first met her when she was 10. We got along very well from the moment that we met and I love her just as much as I love my own daughter (2F).
Even though her school provides lunch, the food is terrible so I pack her lunch every day. It also helps us bond as she sometimes helps me cook her lunch and we like to make and try new foods.
She spends one week with us and one week with her mom and recently she has been complaining that her mom forces her to eat the school’s lunch.
I tried talking to her mom and told her how much she hates the school lunch and suggested she should do what we do.
She suddenly got mad and started to angrily tell me that I have no idea how hard it is to be a single mom of 3 kids and that unlike me who is ‘a gold digger who doesn’t even work,’ she doesn’t have extra time to spend on making lunch.
I got mad and told her that even though I have a toddler I manage to be a good mom to my stepdaughter so she needs to stop making excuses for being a trashy mom.
She called me a jerk (and many other names) and ended the call.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ! Despite the halo you have given yourself, you have overstepped boundaries with birth mom and stepdaughter. You have no right to tell bio mom how to parent her daughter as long as she is not being mistreated, which it doesn’t appear she is.
You are getting a very biased view from a 14-year-old who can come to you and complain about having to eat school lunches and being bullied by her brothers.
You have set yourself up as the only one who cares about this girl without knowing how the 14-year-old acts toward her mom and brothers.
There are 2 sides here and you need to take care of your house because what she likes right now might change next week because that’s how teenage girls are.” mamaleo29
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I respect that she’s a single mum, a lot of us are and it’s really tough but neglecting time with your children doesn’t make up for it.
Although it matters more when your kids grow up, they don’t remember all the things you bought for them or all the trips/holidays you go on, they remember the time they spend with you, she can change the way she manages her time, even a small adjustment to make it work and make her daughter feel loved.
The only thing I would say for you is you shouldn’t have gotten angry and said nasty things to her, you do need to still be understanding and respectful of your different circumstances. Everyone is different and even though she could put in more time, I’m sure she’s doing her best, be more supportive of her if you can.” AMYsterywonderer
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ – Your intentions were good, but I can see why the bio mom was offended. She may very well be a horrible mother (I don’t know), but if she is, please recognize that it isn’t because she doesn’t pack her daughter’s lunch.
Being a single mom is HARD (even if her kids are older). Single mothers never get breaks. I also assume that she works outside the home… which makes parenting that much harder. Instead of judging her for (relatively small things) that she isn’t doing or calling her a bad mom, try to have a bit more compassion.
It often looks easy to walk in someone else’s shoes, but more often than not, it isn’t.” Remarkable_Buyer4625
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Calling her a trashy mum is way out of line. I understand you care about your stepdaughter, but you have no business getting involved and telling her own mother how to best parent her.
I disagree with her calling you names too, but you did start it and she was defending herself. You both went to the gutter over a truly minor issue. You both best learn how to handle disagreements better for the sake of your stepdaughter.” Electrical_Turn7
You have the time and money to cook and pack her lunch, great. But her mom doesn't. That doesn't make you any better, it just makes you better off. Please get off your high horse for the sake of everyone involved.
5. AITJ For Not Being Supportive Of My Friend's Plan To Propose?
“I have a friend John (29m), whom I met in college. He’s a very handsome man and thus had a reputation as a bit of a womanizer.
By our sophomore year, John started hanging out with this girl named Kelly. Kelly is a nice girl, but it was obvious to everyone that she was absolutely smitten with John, and by that I mean obsessed. She told everyone she and John were meant to be, but John wasn’t interested in her like that.
In fact, he was far more interested in her roommate Amanda.
Long story short, John and Amanda got together and surprisingly fell in love. This caused some friction between Kelly and Amanda but it was smoothed over. John was head over heels for Amanda and even proposed to her at her 25th birthday party, she of course said yes.
However, it wasn’t meant to be, since Amanda was killed by a driver who was under the influence. John was devastated, but he refused help and turned to drinking. We begged him to go to counseling, but he just ignored us all. Kelly swooped in and started comforting him since she happened to live close to him.
Thanks to her, he seemed to have come out of it a bit, but I kept an eye on everything. I didn’t like the idea of her comforting him, it seemed wrong. She was still obsessed with him, and never got over him choosing her roommate over her.
Well, my suspicions were correct, two years after Amanda died, Kelly proudly announced that she and John were a couple. I wasn’t happy with it, but I kept it to myself. John seemed happy, so I let it go. She seemed to be more into the relationship than he was.
Now just yesterday John confided in me that he wants to propose to Kelly. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and told him that it would be a terrible idea. Kelly was obsessed with him, and he still hadn’t properly processed his grief from Amanda.
I asked him to name the thing he liked most about Kelly and his biggest answer was that she was there for him during his darkest period, he also said she was very kind. Maybe I’m crazy, but it sounded like he just appreciated her company more than he actually liked her.
I told him she wasn’t right for him and I couldn’t stand by and not say anything. He said I needed to butt out and let him make his own choices, he also called me a jerk.
Now I’m wondering, am I the jerk here by telling John he and Kelly aren’t good for each other?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You state multiple times that Kelly is ‘obsessed’ over John but don’t say anything specific about any ways in which this ‘obsession’ has negatively impacted him.
She was into him and was upset when he went for her friend instead, but you yourself state that was ‘smoothed over’ so clearly her ‘obsession’ didn’t end up being such a problem.
Then when his fiancée was killed and nobody was able to help him, she was the one who pulled him out of his heavy drinking funk. You say this ‘seemed wrong’ but provide no reasons why. Are you jealous that she was able to get through to him when you were not?
I guess you are implying she only helped him because she was still ‘obsessed’ with him. If so, who cares? She helped him. That’s a good thing.
Now he tells you he wants to propose, that she was there for him in his darkest moments, and that she is kind.
Those seem like fine reasons to want to be with someone, yet you somehow judge that they ‘aren’t right’ for each other, again with no evidence except that you think she’s too into him.
I don’t know why you don’t like this girl, but I do know that YTJ.” poeadam
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You expressed your opinion. You are worried about your friend. You would have been a jerk if you said nothing.
On the other hand… you voiced your opinion. Now listen to your friend, and if he is still into this girl, then you could become a jerk if you don’t get with the program.” Comprehensive_Ad_736
Another User Comments:
“You’re way out of line.
‘two years after Amanda died, Kelly proudly announced that she and John were a couple. I wasn’t happy with it, but I kept it to myself. John seemed happy.’
Two years! When I read that Amanda died, I was certain this was going to be a situation where they got together after a month and John was rushing things but two years?
That is a completely normal period of grief and not everyone needs therapy to come out of the loss of a loved one alright. Assuming his drinking and depression are under control, he’s a grown man of sound mind who has autonomy over his life and who he goes out with.
I’m also not sure why you’re so fixated on Kelly being obsessed with John, yet you’ve given zero examples of what that ‘obsession’ looks like. More importantly, who are you to be unhappy about him choosing Kelly when Kelly makes him happy???
It honestly sounds like Kelly’s done nothing wrong other than not being Amanda.
‘she was there for him during his darkest period, he also said she was very kind. Maybe I’m crazy, but it sounded like he just appreciated her company more than he actually liked her.’
What is wrong with you? Those are legitimate reasons to love and value a partner. Someone who is genuinely willing to stand by you through tough times without resentment is a rare find and you should be thrilled that John has found that person. YTJ x1000.
Idk where you’ve found this weird belief that your opinion on John’s relationship matters but you need to put it back on the shelf and apologize.” pudgesquire
4. AITJ For Discouraging My Sister From Naming Her Baby After Our Grandma?
“My sister is expecting a baby girl and told me and a few other family members that she wanted to honor grandma by naming her Josephine after her. My mom was over the moon happy about it. My brothers and I looked at each other when she said it but said nothing right away.
My sister said I was quiet about it and she didn’t think ‘the boys’, AKA our brothers, would get it but she thought her only sister would. I told her I did get it but she should probably know that grandma hated her name Josephine and she wanted people to call her Rosie.
My sister was shocked and asked why she never knew and I told her it was because grandma was sick by the time she was old enough to really remember her. My sister said everyone else called her Josephine. I told her most people did and she hated it.
Grandma was Josephine Rose. Grandma hated her first name and the nicknames people called her (Jojo, Jo, Josie). She went by Rosie with friends and my grandpa called her Rosie. But her parents and her only sister told her she was silly for hating her name and called her Josephine her whole life.
My mom and her siblings ended up ignoring what Grandma and Grandpa told them about Grandma hating her name and would always say they were ‘Josephine’s kids’ and not Rosie’s. Grandma was really bothered by it so my brothers and I would call her Granny Rosie when we were around her, so someone in her life would call her what she preferred. She was so happy and when she died, my mom and her siblings insisted she would be called Josephine in the obituary and never mentioned Rosie in it at all.
My sister was too young to really remember the whole discussion and she wasn’t even born when we started calling grandma Granny Rosie.
After I told my sister she wanted to think some. She asked our brothers and I a few days later if Grandma would have liked the honor name thing.
My oldest brother said she wouldn’t have seen her using the name Josephine as an honor for her and likely would have said she just liked the name. She was like okay, went to speak to our parents.
Things went down and my parents were asking how we could lie and disrespect grandma like that.
My sister then said we just didn’t like the name and it was terrible for me to lie about her disliking Josephine and going by Rosie when she could never name her daughter Rosie. My brother kept letters our grandparents wrote to each other. In each and every letter Grandma was Rosie.
She also wrote Rosie on IDs she had when she volunteered.
My sister conceded that it was true but said I still shouldn’t have told her and only did it to discourage her from using the name. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Thing is, Grandma isn’t here.
So, it’s not an issue to your sister that grandma’s name is given new life in another generation. It’s not about what grandma thinks. It’s about how your sister feels about keeping grandma alive in her heart. It’s a lovely tribute and not unusual. So, while I agree that you putting the truth on the table was not at all unreasonable.
I think this has nothing to do with how Grandma felt about her name. So, it’s irrelevant to what your sister feels she should do. Grandma won’t suffer hearing herself called Josephine ever again, after all. So, it’s a moot point, in my opinion.
No jerks here.” AndSoItGoes24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You gave her the unfiltered history of her grandmother that she was not privy to due to her young age. Rose is a perfectly acceptable name. It doesn’t have to officially be ‘Rosie.’ It can still be Josephine. Just because her grandmother did not like the name doesn’t mean her child will.
It just doesn’t follow as much as the deceased grandmother probably would have liked if she was strictly doing it to honor her with her grandmother’s approval if she was still able to get it.” hastur586
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Josephine/Rosie is dead and doesn’t have to hear the name anymore.
She has no idea and never will. Meanwhile, your sister found a name that has family significance and is really pretty, and literate and makes your mom happy. And you just had to go stick your nose in your sister’s baby-naming business.
How does it hurt any of you for her to recycle a name and let it be positive?
Just let her live her life. Nobody is hurt by her choosing a name. However, YOU have hurt someone very much, someone who’s alive, and now you’re feeling smug about it because you’re somehow caping for a long-dead lady. Cut it out.” madfoot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister can like the name. She shouldn’t pretend she is honoring anybody with it though. Names are powerful things and calling someone what they don’t want to be called is just horrible. Even companies recognize that while legal names are important and good for customers, between employees, or on name tags I’ve always been able to go by a shorter nickname if I choose to.
Your sister just needs to admit she wants to use the name and not pretend it’s not for some altruistic reason. Thousands of people have been named Josephine. Her daughter can just be another with that name.” Icefoxemily
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Travel With A Baby?
“I’m 25M and I have a sister 28F.
In January of last year, I planned a week’s vacation to Paris with me, my sister, and her husband. Didn’t mind that I would be third-wheeling because we’re all very close friends/siblings. Although we had to cancel due to their pregnancy announcement.
Obviously, I was more than happy for her but still asked her why she couldn’t come to Paris since she wasn’t that far along. I respected her wishes to wait and that’s when I decided to travel sometime next year (aka 2023). Finally, November rolled around and they had a cute kid named Daniel.
Now it’s March and I said to my sister ‘So you excited for the trip?’ With a huge grin, she said that she was delighted to bring Daniel with her. I made a face which she saw right away, ‘You’re bringing him with you?’ This led to a very heated agreement where she couldn’t just leave the baby and I told her maybe Max (her husband) stayed and we went together.
BOOM she yelled how inconsiderate I was being. ‘Then you three stay and I’ll go by myself,’ I suggested and even more arguing started. She stormed out and called me a jerk for saying such ‘flabbergasting things”. I just thought a BABY would make this not a vacation and more of a ‘you go see the Eiffel tower and I’ll stay at the hotel all day with the baby.’ Am I really the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Her choosing not to travel whilst pregnant was fair; should anything have happened, dealing with hospitals out of your home country can be really challenging.
The trip was planned initially with you, your sister, and her husband. So I’m not sure where, in your mind, it was agreed that her husband would no longer attend and would stay home with their baby.
Although from what you’ve written, it sounds like you expected both of them to come to Paris and leave the baby behind: ‘I told her maybe Max (her husband) stayed and we went together.’
Additionally, it sounds like you decided the timing of the rescheduled trip without involving your sister: ‘I decided to travel sometime next year (aka 2023).’
So I’m going to say YTJ for zero communication and a lot of assumptions.” happybanana134
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ
You’re completely naïve to think that new parents would just dump their baby to go waltzing on an international trip with you. Especially if your sister is breastfeeding.
It just isn’t doable. So of course Daniel would be coming, and I’m sure your lackluster reaction to that made your sister mad. You need to realize that things change after people have kids. It sucks, but either go by yourself and have a blast and try to be more considerate of your sister and your nephew’s needs, or go with the three of them, because they’re a family of three now.” samsg1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I know it’s really annoying to have kids around on vacation. But part of keeping friends and siblings close in your life when they have children is also accepting their children too. People don’t just leave their babies behind on vacation.
People don’t just pause being a parent just because they want to vacation. Do you know how much work it is for 1 parent or grandparents to handle? I don’t think it’s right to leave behind a child under 1 year without their mom or expect someone to take care of your baby for you for 1 week.
I don’t have children and I don’t expect people to leave behind their babies for weddings or vacations.” 3cheeseprincess
2. AITJ For Wanting My Significant Other To Make Me Coffee?
“I’m always the one that makes the coffee in the morning. That’s fine most of the time, but I’ve told him multiple times that occasionally, I’d appreciate having my coffee without having to ask.
This has been a major source of disagreement before because even after stating this desire, I always have to ask. Today, I was frustrated to start with, because yesterday I had told him I wanted coffee and his response was ‘Coffee? Oh no I don’t want my coffee yet’.
I didn’t want to deal with the conversation at the time, so I just got up and made my coffee and later told him I wanted him to make the coffee tomorrow (I know it seems silly to plan ahead who’s making coffee but again, this is a long-standing conversation.
Also, sometimes he’s accused me of getting mad at him for not meeting expectations that I didn’t communicate, so expectation communicated, no?)
And then today I still had to ask him again even though I had told him what I wanted. So I’m like, when is the last time you had to ask for me to make your coffee?
I know we both drink coffee every morning, so I make both of us coffee. Why don’t I deserve the same treatment you’re getting? ‘Oh, but you want your coffee earlier than me so that’s why you always make them.’ Yes, but you know that and I told you that I wanted you to make the coffee today, so what gives?
What do your wanting or not wanting coffee right now have to do with whether or not you are making me a coffee? And then it turned into a huge disagreement because I wanted to have a full conversation about it instead of letting him get away with ‘Well next time you just have to ask and I’ll do it’.
No, the entire point is that I don’t want to have to ask for you to do something you already know I want. This is why I want to talk because our expectations are obviously not aligned, but he just gets annoyed and lashes out with ‘Fine I’ll make your coffee every day!’ type of nonsense when I ask ‘This is what I want, what can I realistically expect from you?’
The other thing he likes to whip out is, ‘I don’t WANT you to make my coffee anymore’ and when I push back on that saying that’s not a solution he tells me it is because the problem is that I’m making coffee everyday thinking like ‘ugh I have to make this jerk his coffee every single day I hate this’ when the reality is that I actually genuinely enjoy giving him his coffee every morning.
But at some point, I would find myself thinking ‘Man I wish someone would do this type of thing for me’. So I told him that I would really love it if he made the coffee sometimes without me having to ask for it. Like I guess this is a conflicting ‘love language’ thing.
His is physical and mine is acts of service, but is the solution for that not stating expectations? This dude has me writing a dissertation on whether or not I deserve my partner to make me coffee once a month…”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I believe he views this as a logical problem. Why would he make a pot of coffee if he doesn’t want coffee yet? You want an act of service that goes against his default logic. You’re both right. But, I think this has probably been built up waaaay too much.
Now you are asking him to anticipate your future need for him to do something that goes against his grain, then you are waiting to get angry at him for failing. I bet he resents you for it now.
Look, I’m not saying your needs aren’t valid, because they are, but you might have to decide not to fight this battle.
Is he like this in other aspects of your relationship? Is it always a him-first thing? If so it may be time to reevaluate. If it’s really just about making coffee, maybe just buy a coffee maker with a timer and let it all go.” MaritimeDisaster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – regardless of how small of a task making coffee is, this is a sign of a bigger problem that neither of you is addressing. If you communicated that you would like it if he made the coffee every once in a while and he said that HE doesn’t want his coffee at that moment, he is making the situation about himself when it is about you communicating your needs.
It’s important to delegate in relationships and it sounds like he is trying to excuse himself from that responsibility, even if it is a small task like making coffee.” Ok_Royal_4167
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You need to stop nit-picking and sit down with your partner to figure out how to better balance each other’s needs.
Telling him that making coffee for you at a time when he isn’t even considering coffee for himself is unrealistic, there are other more productive ways to be there for each other.
As important as it is to be there for each other and meet each other’s needs.
You have to figure out how that works, as opposed to assigning arbitrary tasks and then perpetuating a cycle of disappointment. If you tend to prefer your coffee at an earlier time than your partner, then yeah it makes sense for you to be the one to make it.
I am sure there are other ways he can express your love languages that make more sense to him.
My husband tends to refill my glass when we are relaxing in the evening. He gets up more frequently than I do, so he just grabs my glass as well and keeps it topped off.
I usually get his luggage sorted when he travels, since I am usually the one that does the laundry anyways. It’s an extra 3 minutes of effort to make sure his luggage is good to go (he travels a lot for work). It makes him feel attended to.” Realistic-Site-3952
1. AITJ For Not Waking My Sister Up When Her Alarm Went Off?
“I (19M) have 2 siblings: AJ (24M) and Kaylie (15F). Our dad died when Kaylie was a baby. Our mom has worked hard ever since. She definitely has leaned on AJ a lot and I try to help when I can to alleviate that pressure.
In spite of this, AJ has still taken on a lot of responsibility.
Kaylie is pretty responsible but she cannot get up on time to save her life. She’ll get up but then hit snooze. She’s tried all the tricks. Alarm across the room.
Those apps on your phone where you have to solve math equations. She just won’t get up.
I think part of the problem is, AJ will always wake her up. I’ve said this isn’t healthy, what happens when he moves out or she goes to college, she’s too old.
That she probably would learn if he didn’t do this. My mom and AJ have said there’s nothing wrong with it. So, I let it go.
AJ is in grad school. He decided to crash at a friend’s dorm one night as they attended a party.
He told me ahead of time to wake Kaylie up, as our mom goes to work early and I’m up at that time for work. I said he knows how I feel about this. He told me it won’t kill me and walked away.
Yesterday morning, I heard Kaylie’s alarms as I got ready. I decided to let her learn. I left and she was still sleeping. She takes the bus so if she got up within the next 15 minutes, she’d be okay.
Around 10, my cell rang.
It’s my mom freaking out. She got a call saying that Kaylie never showed up at school. I panicked momentarily then remembered. I told my mom to check at home. Sure enough, Kaylie was at home, still sleeping! My mom woke her up and took the rest of the day off.
She had been terrified something terrible happened.
AJ blames me. Kaylie isn’t mad, really just embarrassed. But AJ says I should’ve woken her up. I said she’s 15 and it’s a hard lesson. My mom isn’t too upset but she did say that at minimum, I should’ve texted her to know that Kaylie was still asleep when I left. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You purposely put your teenage sister in a position where you knew she would fail, be embarrassed, and possibly get in trouble for missing school. If you had told her you weren’t going to do it, that might be different. She could have prepared in some way.
She is used to having a backup, though, and you took that away without telling her. How is that teaching her anything other than that she can’t trust you?
Also, even if your sister has been to the doctor, there are sleep disorders that primary care doctors don’t know anything about.
It’s not focused on too much in med school and it’s not their specialty. I’m not saying your sister definitely has one. Maybe she’s just a deep sleeper. Even so, you describe someone who has acknowledged a problem and tried multiple solutions. Clearly, this is hard for her, and she’s trying.
Your ‘tough love’ attitude is pretty trashy.” blackcatdotcom
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, mostly because it seems like there are some issues on everyone’s part. Everyone is a little bit to blame, but the overall situation seems to be kinda mild so I don’t wanna say ‘everyone sucks here’ either.
You, your brother, and your mom are so busy pointing the finger at one another that the actual person who is to blame is getting completely overlooked, your sister. Your mom and brother are at fault for enabling her and acting like she’s an elementary schooler who needs to be managed, who can’t control her own actions and choices, and habits.
Like she’s innocent and isn’t playing a role in this and therefore shame on you for not helping to shoulder the responsibility of managing her. No. She’s 15. This is ridiculous, and it’s time to learn, especially because it took her until past 10 am and still didn’t wake up herself?
Come on.
You’re partially at fault because you knew this would happen and didn’t warn your mother prior – it costs nothing to be kind and anyone might guess this would happen and it’ll scare a mother to get a call like that from the school.
Your brother just wanted to enjoy some time being young, and this got ruined for him too. Not your fault, but it costs nothing to be kind.
I’m also not saying your sister is the jerk because clearly she’s been enabled and while it’s mostly her fault and she needs to learn, it doesn’t sound like she took it badly.
You didn’t say she’s mad, or blaming anyone, just that she’s embarrassed. That’s an acceptable response, sounds like she’s taking responsibility for the issue herself even though she hasn’t fixed it yet.
Overall, your family needs to stop acting like she’s a toddler who has to be taken care of.
Stop enabling her. There are more ways than she has tried so far, to wake up. She hasn’t tried every option. She needs to keep searching for solutions. It’s ridiculous that the entire family has to cater to her bad habit to the extent where everyone’s fighting because of her own mistake.” 5638563auvhe92759xcn
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – not because it wasn’t a good lesson for your sister but because of the impacts on AJ and your Mum. AJ who you admit has a lot on his plate had one night off at a party and had a chance to have fun.
But he still felt the responsibility so he asked you to do it. Ok, it looks like you didn’t agree totally and he should have assumed you were going to be a jerk to him about it. Your mother got a call from the school that her daughter was lost and missing and it affected her so badly she was off trying to recover the rest of the day.
What AJ has learned is that he can’t ever expect you to step up to help him or your Mum out. And that you don’t consider the full consequences of your actions. Don’t be surprised or upset if he continues to treat you and your sister the same because you both are children.
And poor guy, he can’t even have one night off without having the responsibility of looking after his siblings.” Timely_Egg_6827
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your mom and brother are jerks for enabling Kaylie’s behavior for so long. While ultimately Kaylie needs to be responsible for herself, she hasn’t had to thus far and it sounds as if you made the decision to leave her to her own devices without giving her or your mom a heads up.
If she was given advance notice that she was on her own, then the failure would be on her… As it is, the system that she usually relies on (mom or siblings waking her) was removed without warning. In order to make changes, she needs to know in advance that she needs to step up.” _SSHHHHH
Yet I would often wake up hours after the time they were set for. Mom would tell me that she heard the alarms, heard me turn them off. But I had absolutely NO memory of it. It wasn't being lazy. I would basically sleepwalk, turning them off without ever actually waking up. Mom had to make sure I got up when things were scheduled (school for instance).
Then, sometime in my early 20's, it stopped. I still often have sleep issues, but it's a different variety now. The thing is, if anyone had bothered to take me to a doctor who specializes in sleep disorders, maybe my mom wouldn't have needed to help me. All too often, primary care doctors don't want to admit that they lack specific knowledge, and anything beyond basic care should be referred to the proper specialist.
But it's just so much easier to blame the kid, label her "lazy", or "uncooperative". SMH.
