People Don’t Know If They Crossed A Line In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Declining My Husband's Offer To Buy Me An EV Car That I Don't Want?
“A few months ago my (34F) car was totaled in a freak accident.
Thankfully no one was hurt, no one was in the car. We finally settled with insurance and I’m starting the car-buying process again. I decided that since my old car was very basic I wanted to buy something a little nicer since I’m starting the car-buying process over.
My old car was a base model SUV. For my new car, I was hoping to purchase something that had heated seats and a power tailgate. I use my car frequently to travel for sports, I haul equipment back and forth. Having a power tailgate seemed useful.
We are also trying to start a family so I was car shopping with that in mind as well.
Insurance gave me enough money to use as a down payment on the new car. So I will need to finance. My husband (34M) started to float the idea of him buying me a car.
He drives an older station car and my car was our weekend car or trip car. I have declined his offer many times because he is really pushing me to buy an EV. I do not think an EV is really the right car for me or my needs.
I don’t want one, I drive long distances, and I don’t want the anxiety of having to charge it away from home.
I found two cars that I liked and went to test drive both of them. I felt like I found my new car, and was excited to move forward.
My husband gave me this long speech about how he wanted to buy the car for me, and how I didn’t get a fancy engagement ring, or wedding ring, and how he wanted to do this for me. He told me I could get whatever car I wanted, including one of these two vehicles.
Neither is flashy. But both fit my needs and have those extra features I want. We are not talking about luxury cars. After the test drive we talked at home, and both decided on which of the two cars we should get. We were going back to the dealership the next day to test drive it again and move forward.
The day of the test drive my husband calls me and says that he made an appointment (same time as the test drive) for us to test drive an EV. A Chevy Bolt. He said he always wanted to test drive an EV and that I should go and be open-minded. I obliged and went on the test drive.
I did not like the car at all, and the storage space was not what I needed. It’s a very small vehicle compared to what I am used to driving. My husband was very excited. And when I expressed my dislike for the car he told me that I was behaving like a spoiled teenager.
I really don’t need him to buy me anything. It would be nice to not have a monthly car payment, but this car would likely limit my ability to travel and participate in my sports with friends. I also don’t see it being a good option for having a child.
AITJ for declining my husband’s offer and buying my own car?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. “He told me that I was behaving like a spoiled teenager.” That’s rich. He is the one completely ignoring your opinions. He is the one trying to push you into what he wants you to have.
You are the one who took the time to make your decision and even agreed to test drive his idea of an ideal car. If he wants an EV that badly, he can get one for himself and stop trying to force his opinion down your throat and then acting like a petulant adolescent when you don’t want to appease him.” Dittoheadforever
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you and your husband keep separate finances (a concept that confuses the heck out of me) then he doesn’t really get the final say in what car you buy. You sound like you have put a fair amount of thought into your requirements and your husband is being somewhat evangelical about going with an EV and is being a bit of a control freak.
You listened to his opinion, went to drive the Bolt, and determined it was not right for you. He needs to respect that and let you decide for yourself since it’s all your money. If he wants the family to have an EV then he should buy one when he needs a new car.
Lastly, some unsolicited advice. You and your husband need to figure out how to make decisions that affect the family as a team. If deciding on a car is causing this sort of angst, wait until you have children when decisions will be really serious.” me_not_at_work
Another User Comments:
“His controlling attitude is pretty concerning. He doesn’t want to buy you a car. He wants to buy himself the car he wants under the pretense that he’s doing something for you. Huge red flag in my opinion. You’re a grown adult.
Your car was totaled and the insurance payout was intended to allow you to replace your vehicle. He’s turning this into an opportunity to get what he wants and completely disregarding your stated needs. Then he throws a teenage typical temper tantrum and calls YOU a spoiled teenager?
Gaslighting at its finest. I don’t know the solution to your situation but you have a husband problem to solve. Absolutely NTJ. He is a different story.” forgetregret1day
20. AITJ For Insisting My Husband Rinses His Dishes After Eating?
“My husband and I have been going the rounds about rinsing off the dishes when you’re done eating so they don’t end up with crusted on food on them making them, in my opinion, much harder to clean.
It also irritates the heck out of me that my family throws dishes with food on them in the side of the sink with no garbage disposal. WHY!!!
My husband flat-out refuses to do it. It’s a continual argument. His excuses are one of two things – 1) there are dishes in the sink and it’s full (right after dinner, for example) so I’m not going to rinse my dish if there are any dishes in the sink.
(He throws it in the side with no disposal or sets it on the counter or leaves it on the table.) Argument 2) If you’re making me wash cheese and stuff off the plate then I’m basically “washing the dishes” (I only ask that he rinses HIS dish) and it’s not my turn to wash the dishes.
He does do dishes weekly – that’s not the complaint. My problem is that he would rather argue about it than take 10 seconds away from his life to actually rinse the darn thing off so it’s not gross when the rest of us have to wash them.
Darn near everyone I know rinses off their plates. It’s a pretty basic request. He’s going to die on his “no rinsing” hill. I will die on mine. Am I the jerk for asking that he rinse his dish off after eating?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Could you fill up a side of the sink with water? That way everything in it soaks. Sidenote, there’s a Rick and Morty episode relating to this. I think it’s called night people or something. Y’all should watch it, it’s hilarious and MIGHT convince him to rinse his dishes.” EJ_1004
Another User Comments:
“No you are not. Same darn thing in my house. Everyone leaves their dirty dishes either on the table or in the sink. I hate dirty dishes so I end up washing everything. To top it off they use a spoon for any little thing and just leave them everywhere.
They make tea…leave the spoon on the counter, they scoop chocolate powder to make chocolate milk…leave the spoon on the counter…they taste something they’re cooking…leave the spoon on the countertop. One day I washed 11 darn spoons. It drives me mad that my family is so lazy and inconsiderate.” Enlightened_1_976
Another User Comments:
“Along with… Socks beside the hamper. Shoes in the dark, narrow walkway. No TP in the bathroom. Trash overflowing. Cans on the table inches from the recycling bin. The crumbs of exactly two Doritos sealed in the bag on the fridge. Empty milk jug IN the fridge.
No idea we have no milk. I can go on. They’re wired different.” eyeplaygame
19. AITJ For Refusing To Take The Blame For My Ex's Speeding Ticket?
“My (F21) partner (M22) had 3 points on his driving license for speeding. He has only passed his test a short while ago, and in the UK if you get 6 points within a year or something (I’m not sure of the exact rule) then you get a ban and have to re-take your test.
We were on a road that was alternating 60mph and 40mph and we were chatting away, the next thing a camera flashes him. He hadn’t noticed the speed limit change and went straight through the camera at 60mph.
He had recently been accepted onto an apprenticeship scheme for construction site management and one of the requirements is a driving licence.
When the letter came through notifying him that he was getting more points and had a court date he begged me to say that I was driving. Even his mum and dad said that people do it all the time and it’s not a big deal and that it could ruin his future if he got banned. I said that we could both get in a lot more trouble if we were caught lying and I wasn’t driving and I wasn’t going to do it.
We ended up having a big argument and broke up over it.
I heard that the worst did happen and he lost his job. We had a lot of mutual friends and he’s basically telling everyone I ruined his life because I was too self-centered to make a sacrifice for him.
Some people have actually taken his side and said it would have been the right thing to do to take the points. Given how everything turned out I don’t know if I should have just done it. It’s cost us our relationship and his job.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your ex is an idiot. He deserved getting the points and losing his license if this is how serious he takes driving. It has nothing to do with you. The people who blame you should volunteer to say they were driving, if it is not a big deal. Shocker: guess everyone has an opinion but no one is volunteering.” Slayerofdrums
Another User Comments:
“So in a short time after passing his test, your partner got caught speeding repeatedly? And his solution was to lie in court and have you lie for him? By the way, the rule is that new drivers will get their license revoked if they get 6 or more points within 2 years of passing their test. The fact that he accrued endorsements on two occasions within “a short while” of passing indicates that he hadn’t learned his lesson to pay more attention after the first time he was done.
So then, what if he didn’t learn his lesson that second time either – then what, would he have expected you to lie again and take the endorsements, perhaps sacrifice your license, for his job? If his parents thought it was “not a big deal” to lie for him, perhaps they should have considered volunteering to lie.
Funny how they didn’t do that. NTJ.” Ok-Status-9627
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your refusal to lie to the authorities and take the hit on your own driving record is not the reason that guy lost his job. The guy’s refusal to drive safely and responsibly is the reason he lost his job.
Your refusal to take that hit isn’t what ended your relationship. That guy’s refusal to take responsibility for his own actions and amend his own behavior is what ended your relationship. There could be situations where extending yourself in some way for a partner at risk might be the right call–but it’s not this situation, which is just a plain old reckless driver throwing tantrums because his actions have consequences.
You did the right thing, and you’re well shed of that relationship.” MonarchOfDonuts
18. AITJ For Not Inviting My Husband's Parents On Mother's Day?
“My husband (33M) and I (33F) have been married for almost 10 years. We have two children, ages 6 and 3.
Prior to having kids, we would celebrate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day separately with our own parents.
Since having kids, it has generally been that we celebrate each other in the morning, then do lunch with his parents and dinner with mine.
The issue with this is that I am always the one making plans, figuring out where/what to eat, what time works, presents, flowers, etc. My husband does not organize anything with his parents on his own.
It is also exhausting trying to organize the kids for not one but two outings in one day. On top of that, when we are at his parents’ house, I am cooking, cleaning, serving, and putting things away. It is tiring and I’m so over it.
Back in April, I told my husband all this and said that this year, I would rather have our parents come to our house for dinner. That way everyone can see each other, we don’t have to fuss with getting the kids out the door, and we get more time in the morning to enjoy the day to ourselves.
I suggested that on Mother’s Day, the men can cook/clean, and on Father’s Day, the women will do the same.
My husband said that sounded like a great idea and apologized for how tiring these holidays have been until now. He asked if there was anything specific that I wanted to eat, and that was the last I heard about it from him.
On Mother’s Day, he asked me when everyone was supposed to be arriving. I told him I had told my parents to come for 5:30. He said “Okay. What time did you tell my parents to come for?” I told him I didn’t invite his parents.
He asked why not, and I said because they’re his parents. He didn’t invite my parents, so why would I have invited his? He said it was “implied” that I would do it because that’s how it’s been every year, to which I said that he should have been doing it himself all those years.
He got upset and went back to cooking. After my parents arrived, he excused himself to get changed and asked to talk to me. He told me he was really upset about me “excluding” his parents, and I told him he was at fault for them not being there.
I said he could call them now and invite them over so he did.
After dinner, my MIL pulled me aside and asked if she or my FIL had done something to upset me. I said of course not, why would she think that? She said because they were invited so late, she assumed I didn’t want them there.
I apologized for making her feel like that and explained what happened, and she seemed very relieved.
I don’t think I am in the wrong here, but my husband still maintains that I should have invited his parents or told him to do it. The only reason I can see that would make me the jerk is that my MIL must have felt so awful for most of the day because nobody reached out to her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You had an entire conversation about how exhausting it is to plan everything for both sets of parents and he acknowledged it and agreed to a change for the future. Yet he still expected you to continue the mental load of having to invite HIS parents.
It’s the countless small tasks that women are complaining about the mental load of motherhood.” KingsRansom79
Another User Comments:
““I’m sorry these holidays have been all on you and are tiresome for you.” “What do you mean you didn’t keep taking on my tasks on holidays that make it tiresome?” What really happened is he forgot to invite his mom to Mother’s Day then got incredibly embarrassed and blamed you because that’s easier than admitting he forgot to invite his mom to Mother’s Day.
NTJ.” bendybiznatch
Another User Comments:
“Did you and your husband discuss specifically how communication with each of your parents was going to go from now on? If not, and all you really discussed was the change of venue to your house, he probably figured you’d be keeping up with the rest of the mental load as you’d been doing.
So, time for that clarifying talk or a sharp reminder that he was told it’d be his responsibility and it’s his fault he didn’t notify his parents. So, my take is either everyone sucks here (if there was a communication breakdown) or NTJ because your husband was told and sloughed it off.” Global_Look2821
17. AITJ For Refusing To Buy a Late Birthday Gift For My Son's Classmate's Brother?
“I have three kids (8M, 5M and 1F). My younger son is friends with a classmate I’ll call “Mikey”. His brother “James” is in the same class as my older son, but they’re not friends.
Back in March, the boys’ mother informed the class’ mom group chat that James had the flu, and his birthday party would have to be canceled. My older son had not been invited to that party.
My wife and I didn’t even know about it until she saw the text. But since my son wasn’t friends with James, we didn’t mind it.
My younger son just got his invitation to Mikey’s birthday party, which will take place in the first week of June.
On it, there is a reminder to bring an additional gift for James.
Both my wife and I were confused. When we asked their parents about it, they said that since James didn’t get to have his friends over for his own birthday, they wanted his friends to have the opportunity to give him gifts during Mikey’s party.
Again, my older son is not friends with James and had not been invited to his canceled party, so we were never planning on giving him a gift in the first place. We didn’t even know it was his birthday. Even if we were buying him a gift, we’d give it to him on some other occasion, not during his younger brother’s party.
It doesn’t feel fair to Mikey.
Once my wife and I had agreed on that, we informed the boys’ parents we wouldn’t get a gift for James. We told them all our reasons, but they argued that we were being petty and vindictive and that it was unfair to deprive James of a birthday gift just because our son doesn’t like him (from what I gather, that’s not the case).
Their mother is threatening to uninvite my younger son from Mikey’s party over this. Their father is less harsh but still thinks we should reconsider our decision.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“So for starters….you are most definitely NTJ here and the parents are incredibly strange and entitled for this.
However, it makes me feel bad for both of their children. It is not you and your wife’s job to provide gifts for the older child but I would look at it like this…how important is Mikey to your child? Could you spare even a small gift for the older child, even if it is from the Dollar Store so your son could spend time with a friend who is important to him?
It makes me feel like the children are not treated right by their parents and it makes me feel sad to see this kind of behavior from them. But no…you are not “wrong.”” Hopeful-Material4123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Are they planning on shaking down Mikey’s guests at the door to make sure they’re carrying two gifts?
And not let them in if not? Because I would just send your younger son with Mikey’s gift. I don’t understand this–these are Mikey’s friends, right? You happen to have an older son of the appropriate age, but most families won’t. So they’re forcing two presents out of kids who may not even know the older one?
Darn. Here’s an idea: Why don’t they just reschedule the kid’s canceled birthday? If they can’t afford a fancy one, then let it be old-school cake at the house. These days most older boys would be happy hanging out and playing video games anyway. Or if it’s warm, buy a bunch of cheap water guns and put them outside with a stack of towels.” BluePencils212
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sons are not friends with this James kid. I’m sure even their kid would feel weirded out if they found out that their parents are more or less requiring his little brother’s guests to bring him a present too. If they want to uninvite then that’s their choice,” tr1tr015
16. AITJ For Arguing With My Wife Over Her Criticism Of Our Daughter's School Photos?
“I (60M) have been married to my wife (51F) for around 15 years. We also have a beautiful daughter named Hayoung (17F), who is in her junior year of high school.
Yesterday after school, Hayoung (pronounced Ha-young) came up to me and my wife and showed me her school pictures, both her individual photo and her group/grade photo.
They were taken all the way back in February, but they had just arrived today.
I complimented Hayoung and told her how beautiful she looked in the photos, before telling her how proud I was to see her grow up throughout the ages, before showing my wife the pictures of our daughter.
It did not go the way I thought/hoped it would go. Instead of looking at it for a bit before saying something, my wife immediately pointed out to Hayoung that she was looking “too downward” at the camera and that her eyes looked strained/forced. I was a bit taken aback at first, but I decided to just keep listening.
My wife then said to my daughter that “she would have to have rehearsals for school pictures with her for next year”, because in my wife’s words “Hayoung still doesn’t understand how to properly pose, smile and look beautiful for a school picture”. I was a bit irritated, but I let it slide.
What set me off though, was my wife then said “Hayoung’s picture is a fail. Honestly, Melissa looks the prettiest out of everyone.” Hayoung got quiet and said, “I’m gonna be honest, my picture this year is really bad compared to sophomore year.”
I got mad that evening.
We had a huge argument in the living room. I told my wife that she was being cruel to our daughter and since school pictures were over, there was no point being so picky over it. My wife retaliated, saying that “Even Hayoung says that she doesn’t like how she looks in her school picture.
I was just being honest! I’m only trying to help her!” She then went into her room and started crying, saying that I don’t understand her.
I will admit, I raised my voice while we were having that argument and I’m seriously sitting here questioning myself about whether I was the jerk or not.
After our argument, I knocked on Hayoung’s door and I could tell by her expression that she had listened to every piece of the argument. I feel bad because I may have overreacted to something as simple as school pictures. Plus, I ruined my daughter’s evening and my wife’s too.
And I also made my wife cry.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I am guessing that your wife is Korean? I know beauty standards there are super high and she could be projecting her own insecurities and maybe even comments that she got when she was young.
Of course this is not okay but it could be worth sitting down with her and having a talk. Being 17 is tough as it is and having your own parents festering insecurity will damage her even further. NTJ.” nymmyy
Another User Comments:
“Tears don’t make a person right.
Your wife is a cruel woman and not a good mother, based on what you’ve shared here today. I suspect your daughter will have a distant relationship with her mother in her adult years. 100% your wife’s fault. I bet she counts the days until she can be away from a person like her.
That woman is doing harm to your daughters self-esteem. You did right by protecting your daughter. It’s terrible when her own mother is her biggest bully. Does your wife complain about the way her own mother treats her? Is her mother very critical? NTJ.” BulbasaurRanch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You probably could’ve handled it better but the damage done to girls in the name of “just helping” them be someone’s arbitrary version of attractive is absolutely devastating. One has to study and practice for so many things in life.
School photos are not among them. Attractiveness is subjective, multifaceted, and often rooted in a person’s own self-confidence. It’s also not the most important thing about someone.” Hoistedonyrownpetard
15. AITJ For Not Considering My Dad's Employee As My Brother?
“My dad has an employee, who I’ll call Nik. Nik has worked for my dad for 14 years, and in that time they have developed a father/son bond.
My dad calls Nik and me “his kids”, and Nik joins us for family holidays, birthdays, etc., since he has no other family that we know of.
My partner Alex has always referred to Nik as my brother since I explained the situation, even though I never have.
If I talk about Nik I always just say he’s pretty much my dad’s other kid, or I explain the whole situation. Alex has tried to correct me a few times and I’ve corrected him back. I know this is a sore subject for him because he is adopted.
But the thing is, I don’t have a sibling relationship with Nik at all. We get along well but I don’t feel like he’s my brother at all. We have an eight-year age gap, and I didn’t meet him until I was 11, and I never lived or grew up with him.
I do consider him family and I’d do anything for him the same way he would me but he’s still not a brother to me. I’m just not comfortable with that term.
I’ve explained to Alex that it is in no way the same thing because he grew up with his parents and siblings, but he still says it makes him feel like I place a lot of importance on “blood” family which makes him feel like I must think he’s not really part of his family.
This came up again last night when Alex and I were out with his colleagues and one asked if I was an only child and I said yes. Alex then corrected me and said I have a brother, technically. I said technically I don’t, because there aren’t any papers of my dad ever adopting Nik so technically, legally, I’m an only child and told him to leave it alone.
On the way home, Alex blew up at me, accusing me of valuing blood connections only and saying he feels like I’m invalidating his and other adoptee’s experiences of family. I said my relationship or lack thereof with Nik is not related to his family and he needs to keep his issues to himself.
He’s now being cold towards me. I don’t think I should feel pressured to pretend I see Nik as a brother when I don’t but I also don’t know if I’m being a jerk in terms of my thinking here.
I’m not saying adoptees aren’t “real” family but I know I don’t see Nik as my brother even if my dad did “adopt” him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have a right to feel how you feel. Alex doesn’t have to agree with that, but he does need to keep his mouth shut about it.
It’s not his experience, it’s not his place to say, nor is it his place to correct you in public about it! I mean, the audacity here! And this isn’t even an apples-to-apples comparison to his experience. I agree with him that blood doesn’t make a family; but you and Nik don’t even have another bond other than both being close to your dad.
And the fact that he ‘blew up at you’ and is now being cold to you would make me do a ‘boy bye’ so fast it would make his head spin.” Spare-Article-396
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner’s adoption issues aren’t justification for him trying to define your relationships with other people.
You don’t feel that kind of strong connection to this person and it sounds like maybe neither do they, your father mentoring them and bringing them into the fold is really cool but it’s ridiculous to demand you call them your brother. Tell your partner to not make his insecurities your problem.” Aqua–Regis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I am an adoptee. There’s a difficult balance (and pressure) that adoptees have to figure out when it comes to genetic connections, legal connections, and personal connections. I have 3 adoptive siblings (nonblood related to me) & 2 biological siblings. While I have more of a “sibling” relationship with my adoptive siblings as I grew up with them & they are legally my siblings, I also have 2 biological siblings even though they aren’t legally my siblings, I consider them as “siblings.” Considering my adoptive siblings as siblings doesn’t discredit my biological siblings and same thing in return.
Based on my experience as an adoptee, it sounds like your partner needs to process what he considers family, personally wise, biologically wise & legally wise too. I also wonder how much of this may impact your future with him – does he want biological children or adopt?
How would his views on family affect future children? While I can see where your partner is coming from as an adoptee, he is a jerk for pushing this dynamic on you.” gtwl214
14. AITJ For Not Wanting My Absentee Father To Walk Me Down The Aisle?
“My father was never there for me in my life. He was never at any major events in my life. He did pay child support every month. The first life event that he wasn’t there for was my birth.
I came a whole month early and the hospital called my dad who was offshore working to come in because they didn’t know if my mom and I were going to survive as I was breached. He refused to come in and didn’t meet me until I was 2 weeks old.
The next major event in my life he missed was my Kindergarten graduation. His excuse was that he had to work. I went to his house the very next morning and when I asked when he got back home from offshore, he said he had been back for a week already.
The next major event he missed in my life was my 8th-grade graduation. At first, I didn’t want to invite him but my mom said to invite him just to see what he said and did. Of course Dad decided to come up with an excuse saying he had to cut his neighbor’s yard that day.
I gave up on asking him to come to things that mattered to me at that point.
Well, you guessed it another major life event was coming up, high school graduation. One of my friends talked me into inviting him since you only graduate high school once.
So I did. His excuse this time was that he was going to have knee surgery on my graduation day. My graduation day was on a Saturday.
Now that I’m getting married which is another major life event for me, he wants to walk me down the aisle.
I told him no because he was never there for any major life events of mine. Why should you have the privilege of walking me down the aisle?! Now keep in mind I’m this man’s only biological child. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP, my father is also barely in the picture.
My mistake was inviting him to my college graduation, which not only allowed him to share the credit for how far I’d come but also sparked a major argument between him, my mom, and my stepdad, who has raised me since I was 2 years old.
Now every time I look back on that day I’m just reminded of how unhappy I was because I was busy putting out fires instead of celebrating. You’re doing the right thing. He has no right to weasel himself into your wedding day and potentially ruin it for you.
You’ve done well without him in previous chapters of your life, there is no reason he should make a sudden appearance in your next.” MozzarellaWorshipper
Another User Comments:
“Darn, sorry to read your story. Don’t dare invite him, not even consider the idea. No way!
Let me tell ya what happened to a relative: when he was born, his father “went to buy a pack” and never came back. His mother had to work two jobs but it wasn’t enough, ’til she met a man, they got married and he raised my relative as his.
Many years later, he’s an adult and working after graduating from college. His mom died a couple of years later and suddenly his bio dad comes back, he reached out to one of my relative’s uncles ‘because he wanted to fix things with his son”.
My relative didn’t want to meet him, but family kept pushing over and over ’til he gave in. As he started to meet his bio father, he started to have issues with his stepfather (who raised him as his son). He ended up moving out with his partner.
Months later he announces his marriage, and guess what? He included his bio father instead of his stepfather. Fast forward to the wedding. His bio father never appeared. Nor the ceremony, nor the party, he didn’t show up and he didn’t ever have the guts to call and say he couldn’t attend the wedding.
My relative had a breakdown that day. He was betrayed once again by his bio father, but he also betrayed the man who raised him.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“My sperm donor showed up when I got engaged, playing nice with me and calling regularly.
Saw right through his nonsense. He neglected/ignored me throughout my childhood, couldn’t be bothered to pay $70 in child support (he had a government job). But he had this expectation to give me away, when he stayed away during my formative years? I shut that nonsense down hard, he got in his feelings he was only a guest. He’s lucky he was invited at all.
It was over a year before we spoke again. What would you tell a friend going through this? He’s never been your father, just the man who donated his sperm. Give him the same energy he gives you. Good luck.” CurlyNaturally
13. AITJ For Being Irritated At My Mom's Constant Texts And Calls?
“My (28F) mom and I are pretty close. I lived with my parents until I was about 18 and then moved out for university. After graduating, I couldn’t find a job right away so I moved back in with my parents for about two years. I have always gotten along with them pretty well, although my mom can be quite overbearing at times and my dad has the emotional intelligence of a potato.
They love me, though, and they help me out with a lot of things if I need it. I know they’re always gonna be there for me no matter what.
I have a stable job now and I can easily support myself, so after finally finding a place to live I moved out again.
I’m really glad I did, because it does feel like I have more freedom/privacy again. However, I’m noticing that my mom finds it hard to deal with me being gone permanently. She texts me literally every day and she calls me about once a week.
When we talk, our conversations feel awkward because we speak so often that I feel I have little to tell her anymore. She doesn’t seem to mind; I can tell she’s just happy to talk to me.
I’m noticing that her reaching out so much is starting to annoy me, and when it does I tend to give blunt/short answers.
I know I don’t owe her a reply, but if I don’t, she gets worried or she feels hurt. I recently told her that I don’t feel the need to talk to her this often and it made her cry, which made me feel like a massive jerk.
I feel guilty, because I know that she and my dad don’t really get along anymore and my brother and I are all she really has, but my frustration about all of this is getting worse. I feel like I can’t tell her, but I don’t want to cut her out of my life completely.
I feel like such a jerk because I should be grateful for having a mother who cares so much about me, but at this point, my irritation is ruining my interactions with her. AITJ for feeling this way and making her upset?”
Another User Comments:
“This is a tough one I can understand you wanting your independence and all but all your mother is asking for is a connection. It is so easy and cheap to stay in contact with people these days. My mother is elderly and I talk to her twice a day.
We have pretty much the same conversations every day as there is not that much new to talk about. However, you know what would be worse – not having a mother to talk to. In your case what would be worse would be having a mother that does not care about you at all and was glad to see you go.
Things that may help 1. Agree to call your mom once a week. It makes a big difference if you do it on your schedule when you are not busy. 2. Reply to her texts with just a thumbs up once in a while to let her know you are okay.
Make sure your mom knows that you love her and appreciate her support. I will go with NTJ but work with her to make this manageable.” hikergirl26
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go a soft YTJ on this one. It doesn’t sound like she’s done anything aside from wanting to be in contact with you.
You just don’t like the frequency. Talk to her about it if you feel like it’s too much but man, daily texts and once-a-week calls sound so normal to me. You don’t have to respond, and you can let her know that you’re not going to always respond immediately.
I get feeling a little frustrated or whatever because you don’t have anything “new” to talk about, but that’s not why your mother is calling you. She’s calling you because she loves you and wants to talk to you. I feel that way from time to time with my own parents, but you know what?
I love them, and they love me. It can be as simple as just hearing how one another’s days went. Or as simple as saying hey, I am not going to respond immediately to every message you send. Talk to your mother. You do not need to cut her out.” freerange_chicken
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She texts you daily. Big deal. Text back a smiley emoji or something. She calls you once a week, again big deal. Try asking her about her week. How is she doing. You don’t have to always have something new to talk to her about.
It sounds like she is lonely and is missing you. Ever think about taking her out for lunch or a movie once in a while? She’s been there every time you needed her. Try returning the favor.” BooCat3
12. AITJ For Giving My Daughters Their Mother's Letters On Their Graduation Days?
“I (49M) was married to my wife for 20 years. I lost her in a car accident 8 years ago. We had two beautiful daughters together, Maeve (18 now, 10 when her mother passed) and Alex (16 now, 8 when her mother passed).
I am very close with my daughters but they were both definitely mama’s girls. My wife was a magnetic woman. She was beautiful, intelligent, kind, and people were drawn to her.
An important thing to know about my wife is that she had a passion for writing.
She was unfortunately in a profession where she didn’t write much so, she did a lot on her own time. One of her favorite things to write was letters. She wanted people to know that she cared about them.
After she had each of my daughters, she wrote them a letter.
She wrote each within days after their births and wanted to give them away on their graduation days. She put them in the firebox in our basement to avoid losing or forgetting about them. She wrote the letters with the intention of giving them to our daughters herself 18 years later as a sort of time capsule type of thing.
Both letters contained mostly words of wisdom and information about what was going on when they were born.
Maeve graduated from high school today and I went to her room with the letter tonight. I let her cry on my shoulder as she read it and at first she seemed happy to have something directly from her mother.
However, after she read it she turned to me looking surprisingly angry. She asked why I had waited so long to give it to her. She had so many rough moments and heartbreak in the last 8 years where all she wanted was her mother’s wisdom and I withheld the letter.
I told her that I was just doing what her mother had said she wanted and Maeve shot back that her mother also hadn’t planned on being in the accident. Alex heard the shouting and came into the room and Maeve told her about the letter.
Now they’re both upset and don’t want to talk to me. I feel so awful about this whole situation. I was raised by my single mother after my own dad took off so on one hand, I’ve always wanted to be the best father I can and I feel terrible that I withheld something that would’ve brought them comfort.
On the other hand, my wife had very specific instructions about her intentions with the letters and I just wanted to follow through with that. So now I’m very conflicted and I just want to know, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, at the end of the day those letters are for their graduations, no other time, if their mother was still alive they wouldn’t have gotten it until you gave it to her.
I do understand their side though, I don’t know what your daughters have gone through throughout the years and I’m sure the letter would have really helped, but at the end of the day those letters were a gift for their graduations and I believe you did the right thing.
I personally would’ve listened to your wife like you did, so I believe you’re NTJ.” MythixFps
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Those words may not have been meant for them earlier. And they may not have been as meaningful when they were 8 and 10. She is touched because she’s adult enough to appreciate this gesture.
When she’s even more of an adult she may understand why you had to honor her wishes. Right now you have to go with what you had – the wishes she left behind.” Major_Barnacle_2212
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, your daughters miss their mom and are reacting from an emotional place.
You were acting out of a desire to honor their mother’s wishes. I think both reactions are understandable and are rooted in the love you all feel for her, and your grief at losing her. I’m sure you thought it would be a touching surprise.
There is no fault here. Talk to your daughters. Explain where your desire to honor her original intent comes from. Point out how much you love her and them and that you weren’t trying to withhold something precious from them, but give it to them in the manner their mother wanted them to receive it.
That it didn’t occur to you to deviate from the timing she originally envisioned. And express regret for that, and I’m sure they’ll come around.” cheekmo_52
11. AITJ For Oversleeping And Missing The Chance To Help My Partner Buy A Car?
“Yesterday evening my (23F) my partner (29M) and I agreed that I would take him to look at some cars this morning.
He lost his previous car in a crash (not his fault) and because he’s not a covered driver on my insurance I’ve been driving us everywhere since the accident.
This morning I woke up around 8. I asked him “what time are we supposed to go and see the cars” and he didn’t know because the sellers hadn’t responded to him yet.
Since he wasn’t sure I said “ok, I’m going to go back to sleep” and did.
I fully expected him to just wake me up when it was time to go. I am not a heavy sleeper, I am not grouchy or combative when woken up, and it hasn’t been a problem in the past for him to wake me up when it’s time for us to go somewhere.
I didn’t expect that he would need to be specifically instructed to wake me up when it was time to go. But instead, I ended up waking up on my own at noon without him ever entering the bedroom at all.
I came out kind of groggy from oversleeping and asked him if the people selling the cars never got back to him.
He snapped at me “they did. HOURS ago.” I asked him if it was time to go soon and he said “NO. We missed it because of you. And now the one I wanted is sold.” I asked him what about the other ones and he just said forget it.
I asked him why he didn’t wake me up and he said I chose to blow this off by going back to sleep in the first place.
He ignored me when I tried to suggest a few methods of how this could be resolved, like tell me which car it was and I’ll look for similar ones nearby, until he snapped and just screamed at me that I’m selfish and I ruin everything and I can’t ever be relied on for anything.
Which seems extremely unfair as I’ve been driving double his commute to get him to and from work 6 days a week for over a month and have never missed a day. He told me he was going over to his friend’s house (a person who he only ever hangs out with to get inebriated) and hasn’t come home or communicated with me since.
On one hand, I do feel bad for oversleeping but I kind of feel like he might be using this to get back at me because I’ve been hounding him to replace his car so I don’t need to keep driving him everywhere. Like maybe he wanted a reason to be angry with me more than he wanted to look for a new car.
But my mom scolded me for sleeping in when I called and told her about it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He could have taken an Uber or found another way to get there if it was so important for him to get there and for whatever reason he truly couldn’t wake you up.
This sounds like a completely fabricated problem and I think you’re right on the money that he was more interested in finding a way to get angry with you than to actually go look for a new car. Sounds like he has no problem with being chauffeured everywhere.” succybuss
Another User Comments:
“Yes, he wanted an excuse for a fight. He could have easily woken you up, caught an Uber or transport. Instead, he decided to pick a fight and sulk off to his friend’s house and ignore you instead of communicating or finding a solution.
I would assume there’s a bigger issue but it’s still no excuse to take his anger out on you and act like a child. Do you also change his diapers and pack his lunches? Considering he’s relying on you to get to work every day which you’ve not missed a day..
and costing you hours out of your weeks (possibly money if he’s not generous enough to fill up the fuel tank from time to time).. he really shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds. Which is ironic for him to tell you that “you can’t be relied on for anything”.
You’re definitely not the jerk, maybe you could have communicated to wake you up once a time is sorted. Which sounds like there was already a deal going on and he couldn’t negotiate on it so just wants to take out his anger and have an excuse to go get inebriated at his friend’s house instead of his responsibilities.
As someone who’s almost 30 I’d really be looking into this relationship, think about what you’re getting out of it and other behaviors like this he does.” Mistressgirl169
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Seems like he tried negotiating over the phone for the car, they couldn’t agree and he lost out, otherwise it doesn’t make sense not to wake you up.
So the seller said yeah come on over and take a look and he sat on the couch for four hours like there was nothing he could do? Going back to sleep instead of sitting by his side while he negotiated with a seller isn’t blowing him off.
Sounds like they couldn’t come to an agreement and now he’s upset and taking it out on you. Either way, you did nothing wrong.” soxfan581
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Walk Our Future Dog Regularly?
“My (M27) and my 2 partner (F28) of two years are not currently living together, but hope to in the future.
Talking about living together and whatnot, she stated that to her having a dog in our future is fundamental. I love dogs, but do see a big effort in taking care of one and always thought I would be more of a cat person in life – I’m not very keen on the idea of having to take a dog for a walk twice a day, in the long run, I would consider it a burden, and I would want to make a sure a pet of mine can have a happy, healthy life, which would be harder if I get lazy and don’t take it for regular walks.
Basically, it wouldn’t be fair to the pet.
I don’t mind having a dog in my home, I just don’t see myself having the patience to walk it all the time, there are days I don’t want to go out of the house and that would force me to.
So I told her that I acknowledge the importance of her desire to have one, and that I would be okay with it, but that she shouldn’t take for granted the fact that I will walk it as often as her. In the house, I’ll be happy to give it baths, buy it toys, clean it, etc, but I want her to be sure that she could bear the effort of walking the dog by herself, and not only considering me as part of the equation.
This is also because she currently lives with her family, they have two dogs, but they are family dogs so when she moves out they would remain with her parents and sister. Since her parents are the only ones who constantly take the dogs out, and she also doesn’t feel like walking them most of the time, and knowing me I’m afraid I’ll be the one who has to do it when she doesn’t want to, just like her parents.
She says that she would do it if her parents didn’t and it was only up to her, but she also blames me for only wanting to take care of “the fun part” of having a dog. I do see her point, but I think a relationship is about compromises and I’m trying to compromise about having a dog – which I hadn’t pictured in my life – and dog-related chores, while it feels like she is reasoning in absolutes (“I have to have a dog in our life”).
At the same time, I feel guilty, I should trust her to be able to take care of it but previous experiences in my life led me to resent my then-partner for leaving all the workload on me and I don’t want that to happen again – which is why I think these conversations beforehand are important.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t want a dog as a pet either – I like other people’s dogs. My partner does not care for her dog. She doesn’t take it for walks, doesn’t play with it, doesn’t take it outside, didn’t train her at all (not even housebroken).
It’s awful. I told her that I am never going to live with her and a dog again. If your partner won’t accept responsibility for walking a hypothetical dog, she won’t walk a real one.” Microwave_7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but in my experience these kinds of arrangements rarely actually work out.
What happens if she ends up in the hospital and can’t walk the dog? What happens if she goes away and refuses to find someone else to do it because she expects you to? The fact that she’s already blaming you for only wanting to do the “fun stuff” and she’s not the one doing most of the walks with the dogs at her parents’ house very much seems like there’s a high chance of her initially agreeing to your compromise with the mindset that once you actually have the dog you’ll change your mind.
If she’s dead set on having a dog, and you’re not really interested in caring for a dog/pet it seems like maybe you aren’t compatible.” arterialrainbow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and good on you for being upfront about your feelings and expectations.
Dogs are a big and long-term commitment and talking about these things BEFORE you bring a dog into your home is absolutely key. I worked in rescue for 10 years and far too many of our surrenders were due to people not realizing the time and commitment a dog requires.
Also, if your partner is the one who wants the dog, then the partner is the one who needs to take care of the dog. You are generous to even offer to help out in other ways. If she “has to” have a dog in her life, then she needs to take on the responsibility of the dog, plain and simple.
Heck, I love dogs and have had dogs my entire life. Our current girl is a senior and we’re not sure how much more time we have together. As much as my husband and I adore dogs, we’re not sure we’re going to adopt again after our current dog passes.
We’re at a point where our kids are growing up, they’re doing their own thing (and will be off to college in a couple of years). My husband and I are busy with work and house projects. We want to do some more travel now that our kids are more independent and we just don’t see a dog fitting into our life easily because of all of it.
While dogs are wonderful, they come at a large financial and time cost, for sure…” [deleted]
9. AITJ For Changing My Passwords and Cutting Off My Spoiled Sister?
“I (30 F) have a sister (29) who has been a spoiled child since she was born. Not only my parents, but everybody would overprotect her and give her anything she demanded, claiming that she was the sweetest. On the other hand, I’ve always been rebellious and independent.
This resulted in me working since I was 16, and currently owning my own successful business, while she has not worked a day in her life until a few months ago.
Since I make a pretty good amount of money, I shower them both, my mom and my sister, with gifts every time I can.
Cellphones, brand clothing… anything, and it is never the other way around.
I decided not to help my mom with any more money until my sister began to do the same because she’s been avoiding that responsibility saying she is depressed or anxious.
She recently got a job as a personal assistant, where she was required to know some stuff to get the job done.
She also needed a computer and she needed some specific apps.
I pay a monthly fee for those apps, so I shared my password with her, taught her how to use them, and lent her some money to get a laptop. I’ve been helping with anything she needs.
But today, she decided to go back to her old self. Demanding help and mistreating me afterward. I decided to give back the same attitude and we ended up having a big fight. I decided to change my passwords, not allowing her to work anymore on what she was doing.
I know she can’t afford them, and now I have her, my mother, and a couple of relatives calling me the jerk. They are demanding me to apologize and give the new passwords.
I’m so done with her being a 29yo spoiled kid. If I’m the jerk, then so be it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But please be careful. Money can be a means of control over people. You should fully understand that you are trying to use your financial means as power to manipulate her behavior. This is why financially helping able-bodied family members can be so unhealthy and leads to toxic relationships.
To be clear: You are trying to attach strings to your money/assistance based on her attitudes and treatment of you. That doesn’t sit well with people. Makes you look bad. Your sister has always been a spoiled, entitled brat. So why are you helping her AT ALL?
Because you thought she would be nicer to you. Sadly, that’s not how entitled people act. Look, I’m not saying your sister gets a pass…she sounds like a piece of work. Just remember she was made by your mother, not by you.
Now she is a grown adult. Don’t try to parent her. Just manage your relationship in a more healthy way.” TopTierUsers
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you do realize you fall within the same category as people who spoil her and overprotect her, right?
By buying her stuff and continuing to coddle her by helping her despite knowing her character, you’re doing the same thing you accuse other people of doing. Stop treating her and your ungrateful mother to new stuff. You’re their cash cow, and now that you’re not giving them what they want, you’re the jerk.” detached_girl
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and I don’t really get it because you are hurting yourself as well. I’m not saying you shouldn’t react, but maybe choose a reaction that doesn’t harm yourself. If her not having money is part of the problem then I don’t see the wisdom of denying her access to work software that can help her earn more money and potentially be less of a burden.
If your goal is simply to be spiteful, then that’s cool. I can get on board with spite. Just do it in a way that doesn’t increase how much of a long-term burden she will be.” Better_Eye9037
8. AITJ For Not Supporting My Elderly Mom's Desire To Buy A Car?
“My (78F) mom wants to buy a car because she craves independence. She has several health issues, and cannot walk without assistance.
She at times loses feeling in her feet, which has caused her to crash one car already. I’ve been bringing her to doctor’s appointments, grocery stores, the nail salon, the casino, etc. No complaints.
Any and every time she’s called me, I’ve been there. This was to the point that I lost my last job because she told me last minute about an appointment.
I take her health very seriously. I consider my mom number 1 in my life, even though I am married and trying to build a life of my own.
I’ve gotten a new job, with a higher position, which (in her opinion) requires me to work “weird hours”.
She now says, after 3+ years of me at her beck and call, that she can’t take being dependent on me anymore. She’s set things up at a dealership for a car. The lady who physically cannot hold a glass of water without spilling it.
I’m not sure if this is some manipulation tactic, or if I’m being a helicopter daughter.
Please bring some clarity to this situation. If I’m wrong, let me know.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know where you live, but you could speak to her doctors perhaps? If they know that she’s trying to get a car, they could actually legally revoke her license if her health is like that.
I hate to say it, because I can understand your mother wanting her independence. But I really think that it might be time to revoke her license if she is doing this, or insists on trying to do it. I also would worry about a parent driving under those circumstances.
Not just for the sake of my parents, but also for the sake of other people that they could potentially injure. Definitely NTJ.” ScoobaChick28
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like you could use some help. First, get a letter from her doctor that you need FMLA accommodations to take your mother to health appointments as needed, give an approximate number of hours or days, like 4 hours per week.
This protects you from being fired. Next, you need help. I hired an organization called Visiting Angels. They came out once a week to take my mother out shopping, hair appointments….. basically anything she wanted to do that day. They can take her to appointments as well.
It was not overly expensive. They were very nice and my mom became friends with the woman who took her out each week and it gave me a break. I’m sure you have something similar in your area.” Inthecards21
Another User Comments:
“My grandfather insisted on driving long after he shouldn’t have.
Between cataracts and severe arthritis, he couldn’t see enough, or react quickly enough, and was involved in several minor accidents as a result. My grandmother had to help him to the car, get his legs positioned, and turn the key for him, it was that bad.
She finally had one scare more than she could deal with, and put her foot down. She told him that if he couldn’t do it on his own he wasn’t safe to drive. He struggled out to the car and finally managed to get in, but he couldn’t get the door closed, or the key into the ignition, so he sat out there for a while.
She kept a close eye on him, and helped him back in when he was ready. After that, she took over the driving. We all felt bad for him, but really, it’s amazing that nobody died. I keep this in mind for myself. There will come a time when I’m just not safe behind the wheel.” Mira_DFalco
7. AITJ For Refusing To Dress Up For My Cousin's Piano Concert?
“My (14m) aunt’s daughter (8) takes piano classes and sometimes they do these “concerts” with other kids of her music school.
They’re just small gigs, mostly family watching. I went once, wearing jeans and a T-shirt, which annoyed my aunt, but I couldn’t care less.
Fast forward to last Sunday, we’re at my aunt’s, and she’s talking about the next concert this Friday. She goes, “Blah blah and OP will dress up appropriately this time too!
Nice white shirt and a tie.” I wasn’t paying attention until I heard that. I was like, no way am I dressing up like that for a stupid kids’ concert. Yeah, maybe I overreacted, but I was mad that she thought she could boss me around, especially knowing I hate to wear this!
There’s a bit of arguing, and then my mom jumps in, saying we’ll deal with it later. So, we get home, and my mom’s like, “I would have been ok with a polo and nicer pants, but now you’re wearing the white shirt with dress slacks and the tie because you had to fight with your aunt and embarrass me.
And guess what? You’ll wear your tie at the restaurant too, or else I’m taking your PS5.” I tried to argue but no chance, she’s still mad because I argued with my aunt and in front of my cousin.
Seriously, WTF? Just because my aunt wants me to be the only one at my age who’s dressed up at this stupid kids’ concert?
That’s embarrassing and she knows very well how much I hate to dress like this! And my mom’s backing her up because I spoke up? Of course, I’m gonna argue! Why should I put up with that? I’m so mad. I just can’t and don’t want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me in those clothes after I argued with her about it before.
I don’t wanna wear that crap for a dumb kids’ concert! And I can’t even stay home. I’m so mad, but my mom acts like this is all my fault. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I am a dyed-in-the-wool jerk. As such, I would disconnect the PS5 then hand it to your mother and tell her to enjoy the concert by herself.
As for judgment, your mother and aunt are being ridiculous for forcing a 14yo to jump through hoops for an 8 yo’s recital. It might be different if it were your sibling but it isn’t so NTJ.” Plenty_Carrot7973
Another User Comments:
“Hm, I guess everyone’s a jerk here but to be clear the adults especially are not acting appropriately.
They should get over it and give you a little freedom and respect, and could have worked with you in a WAY more constructive and considerate way if they wanted you to dress differently. But, arguing back with your aunt rather than taking it up, separately, with your mom is a part of the problem.
I realize you were sticking up for yourself but I hope you can see now that it probably would have been way more productive to bite your lip and talk to your parents later. You could have just been like “Auntie made a comment specifying I need to wear a tie to this event and I really don’t feel comfortable doing that.
Can I wear what I want or perhaps skip it if my attendance is going to be distracting?” It’s more likely you would have ended up somewhere reasonable and avoided the strife.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. Let me start out by saying that it’s pretty crappy of the adults to control you so tightly.
Why are you being forced to go to every one of your cousin’s minor concerts? Why is your mother supporting your aunt in her overstepping? After all, she too, could’ve privately asked your mother to have you wear different attire and allowed your mother to handle it.
That said, this is an example of why explosive reactions often do more harm than good. I would keep practicing the skill where you think before you speak.” PracticalPrimrose
6. AITJ For Not Inviting My Mom To My Wedding Because She Threatened Not To Come If My Dad Was There?
“So, a few years ago I was struggling with addiction. I’ve never stolen from my family or anything like that, but it caused many arguments with my mom who was harsh on me and just used it to belittle or berate me. My dad, however, was supportive and helped me with empathy.
During one of these arguments with my mom, she kicked me out and told me to go live with my dad, since he’s so amazing, and it escalated and I ended up getting upset and saying ‘I can’t pick a favorite parent, how am I going to have you both at my wedding if you hate him so much?’
And she replied ‘I’m not coming if he’s there.’
Fast forward to today, I’m three years sober. Lived with my dad ever since the argument, and my mom and I still have an on-and-off rocky relationship. My current partner of four years proposed about 6 months ago, and we’ve been trying to get things planned for next summer.
We want to make sure we’re prepared, which includes our save the dates, best thing is to be early right?
What my mom said has always stuck with me, so I decided to not send her an invite, she has a tendency to be snotty, make petty comments, and cause drama, especially with my dad, and I didn’t want a big blow-up at my wedding.
She saw my brother’s invite and messaged me asking where hers was. I ignored her, and she rang me. I told her I remembered what she said, and she can’t come because my dad is coming. She told me not to be ungrateful and that she raised me and she should be invited anyway.
I told her I’m not having her ruin the wedding, and hung up. I feel kind of guilty because she has done a lot for me, but I feel like it’s a situation where she loves me because I’m her daughter, but doesn’t like me as my own person.
My dad is on my side as they don’t get on anyway, but my brother and my mom’s sister think I am being too harsh and ungrateful. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She may love you but she didn’t support you, still doesn’t respect you or your boundaries and she made a statement that can’t be retracted just because she feels like it.
Nowhere in your post did you mention that she apologized for anything. You think you may be the jerk because it might not be fair not to invite her? I don’t think so. You’d be unfair to yourself, your husband, your dad, and the guests if you did.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“INFO. So you blame your mother for her reactions to your behavior when you were struggling with addiction? You pushed her to her limits and she cracked. Then your dad swooped in, your hero. He had all the capacity in the world to handle you emotionally because he was completely fresh to the scene.
He wasn’t already worn out by you. Do you really think you don’t owe your mother an apology for what you put her through, and the damage you caused? What mitigating factors are there in your case? Is she struggling with addiction too, for example?” pukui7
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – I say this as a recovering (quite extreme) addict of almost 2 decades. We put them through a lot. Literal torment. We keep them up at night, we drive them out of their minds. We push them beyond their breaking point.
She was desperately trying to “break” you of your behavior. It was the wrong way but it was the way she tried the best way she knew in desperation. She likely thought compassion meant complacency. That him being compassionate meant he condoned it. We need someone like him.
But the last generation wasn’t always taught this. Some of them think the only way to save us is to give us hard love. I have a parent who was like this. They love me. They ADORE me. I’ve been in recovery for many years and we are extremely close.
They thought their treatment of me was the only way to save me. They stayed up at night crying. They felt horrible. They wanted me home. They thought they were giving me a chance to survive. My other parent didn’t care. They were permissive, compassionate.
Which did more damage? I don’t know. But I know both followed their heart and both were trying desperately to save me. Now, many years later, and several in sobriety.. I adore them both. Very differently. Both adore me. Always did. Didn’t always feel like it..
but they did. In the ways they knew how. Happy ever after to you!” Haley-the-NPC
5. AITJ For Replacing My Uncle's Cheese That I Accidentally Used?
“I (21F) live with my aunt and uncle until I can get on my feet after graduating college.
I’ve lived with them since high school after both my parents passed away.
My uncle is diabetic and needs to measure out his meals. He can’t eat many things so he has his own foods that only he eats. Otherwise, my aunt and I share the same food in the fridge and she always gets new things to try.
Last night I was making Mac n Cheese (it was really just random pasta with some different cheeses in the fridge) and grabbed some shredded cheese to use. Halfway through adding it, my aunt says that’s my uncle’s shredded cheese that he started using for meal prep.
I didn’t finish the bag but I took enough where it would probably not add up to enough ounces for his meals. (About 3 pinches)
We don’t have the best relationship. He has anger issues and attributes it to work. I don’t have a job and rely on them for groceries, but I do help around the house and babysit my younger niece.
I got the idea to replenish the shredded cheese to avoid any arguments about someone touching his food. I searched around in my room for any spare change or dollars I could find and went to the grocery store to buy another bag of cheese.
When I got back, he was home and asked where I went. I told him I accidentally used some of his cheese and I bought an extra bag. He then starts yelling at me for eating his cheese, that he only has limited things he can eat, why did I eat the one thing he has to flavor his meals, and that I’m trying to play martyr buying more cheese when I have nothing to spend.
I tell him I’m just making up for my mistake and he says to stop playing the hero and that I shouldn’t have done anything or told him anything. He says if I could buy my own cheese then I should buy my own food instead of eating theirs.
My aunt assured me he didn’t mean what he said but that I should’ve just waited for her to replace the cheese instead of “calling attention to yourself”. She said I was acting dramatic by spending what I had left on his cheese instead of just admitting to him that I took the cheese first.
I don’t understand what I did wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for replacing the cheese, but you need to find a new living arrangement. It sounds like you may have worn out your welcome with your uncle while your aunt is eager for you to stay.
Even if that’s not the case and he’s always been this irritable, it’s not a tenable situation.” JeepersCreepers74
Another User Comments:
“Hi, 13 yr managed diabetic here.. you’re NTJ, and there is no such thing as food diabetics ‘can’t eat’ there are foods we should label “sometimes food” and cheese is actually one of them.
Despite popular belief, we can eat sweets and desserts and even bread. We just need to make sure we balance it out with protein and fiber and vitamin-rich foods too. In short.. your uncle is full of nonsense (probably because of the cheese) and needs to lay off the drama.
Stressing out is bad for his blood sugar. Cooking tip: shredded cheese actually isn’t the best choice for Mac and cheese. Some of the additives give it a waxy-like cover that makes it harder to melt, and sticks to the pot.” Sodamyte
Another User Comments:
“You did nothing wrong. You mistakenly used some of your uncle’s cheese, and rather than ask for money to buy more you found enough change of your own and went to buy it for him. You weren’t grandstanding or showing off or anything like that.
You just felt bad you’d used some of his cheese and wanted to replace it right away. So you took responsibility for what you did and corrected it. Your uncle was totally out of line to blow up at you like that. Your aunt wasn’t any better suggesting you were trying to call attention to yourself.
Your uncle literally asked you where you’d been and you told him. That was it. No drama. Your aunt and uncle are weird jerks to treat you like this. You’re fine. When you find a job you can start saving right away to get out of there ASAP.” Global_Look2821
4. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mother And Her Partner Involved In My Pregnancy And Child's Life?
“My (26f) mother (49f) has been with her current partner (49m) since 2009. Let’s call him Bryan. Bryan and I never hit off as I’ve always got weird vibes from him.
The guy has 0 social cues and just doesn’t take time to use common sense. He obviously never liked me and I 100% can tell that he finds me annoying or whatever. The feelings are mutual on this one.
Last summer my mother opened a chip stand, and she, Bryan, and I were the only employees.
I waited for him in the rain (I couldn’t go back in since my partner left with the apartment complex’s keys) and saw him drive by like 2 minutes after going out. I thought he was going to my apartment as it’s on the same road (my partner and I have our own apartments but I stay more at his place than mine).
I waited 5 minutes, nothing. My apartment was only a 2-minute drive from where I was. He finally calls asking if I was home, I said that I was at my partner’s & he said he was on his way. Another 5 minutes go by, still not there.
10 minutes later he arrived, I’m soaked at this point and irritated. He tells me that he was parked playing Pokémon Go. I’m a PoGo player too but darn, that annoyed me.
When we got there, my mom immediately read me and asked me what was wrong and why I’m all wet.
I told her I had to wait on Bryan for like nearly 20 minutes outside because he decided to go play Pokémon Go. She got upset at him and he started yelling saying he never took that long and that I was exaggerating. I called nonsense and he popped off, telling my mom the words that will always ring in the back of my mind: “I told you I never wanted her in my life!”
Ah yeah? Okay. If that’s how you feel, go ahead.
Anyway, I found out on Wednesday that I am pregnant and haven’t told my mother yet. I don’t really want to because when my little sister announced to my mother her pregnancy, she begged her to not tell anyone.
The second my sister left, she told nearly everyone who stopped by that she was going to be a grandmother again (my other sister has 4 kids).
When my little sister gave birth, it was a total mess. My mother told EVERYONE that it was “parents only, no siblings” although my sister is a whole adult herself.
She tried her best to keep us away from the hospital and caused a whole scene when my two siblings still went with our biological father. I’m not a petty person, I just like to feed people their medicine. Do stupid stuff, it’ll come back to you.
And if anyone is wondering, yes she pulled similar stuff with my older sister’s births.
I don’t really plan on telling her. I do however plan on telling her that I want my siblings there, and my biological father. I do not want her to cause a scene and have everyone on edge.
I do not plan on letting Bryan near my child at all, or in my child’s life for all that matters. If he doesn’t want me in his life, why let him be in my child’s life?
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NO!
You would not be! Here is an idea. Don’t call anyone when you go into labor and go to the hospital. Just the people that are going to assist you at the hospital. Call everyone else after you have had a chance to catch your breath, brush your hair and teeth and had some rest. You will have the privacy you will need and important bonding time with your newborn.
There is great value in having a little privacy and some time just after birth. You decide who comes around and when and for how long. Now that you are a mother, you are the boss. People who do not respect your wishes are no longer invited until they agree to respect your wishes.
You have to put your well-being and your child’s well-being before everything else from now on. Being family doesn’t mean that anyone has any rights. No right to be included, no right to endless chances, no auto forgive clauses, no right to be a grandparent.
Grandparenting is a privilege, not a right. If you are not treated properly then you do not have to include anyone you don’t want to in your life and that includes your kids’ lives. Congratulations and good luck!” ConfusedAt63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You get to decide who is in the delivery room and who isn’t.
I’d recommend having a trusted advocate handle being the “bad guy” in that case. When my wife was pregnant she only wanted me there after a certain point and when she gave me the pre-determined subtle signal I kicked everyone else out. (My mom, her mom).
You can also let the nursing staff know ahead of time who is and is not allowed in the room and at what points. They don’t want a stressed-out about-to-give birth mother. They are great about helping hold those boundaries. If you are going to only allow siblings, you might want to warn them ahead of time so they don’t spill the beans early (assuming they can and will keep a secret).” bestbobever
Another User Comments:
“I’m confused, so he went to pick you up from your house and you watched him drive past, didn’t tell him you were at your partner’s until he called you, and then complained he was late picking you up from a second location?
Ok girl… it’s your right to have whoever you want at the hospital and fair enough if you get weird vibes off Bryan in general but this is a dumb example imho.” Healthy_Brain5354
3. AITJ For Wanting To Quit The Bridal Party Over An Unaffordable Dress?
“I am the MOH and at the very beginning, I told her that I don’t have the money to afford anything (hair, dress, makeup) but I would be able to get my accessories and shoes (because you can get stuff like that for cheap). This was told to her at the time she asked me to be her MOH.
I have also said it multiple times throughout the last year or so of the planning stages to remind her that I didn’t have the money. She wants the dress from a specific place in a specific color too. She also wanted me to get my hair dyed for the wedding and paid for that no problem.
Now that we are down to the wire she is pressuring me to buy the dress even though I told her (multiple times) that I couldn’t afford it.
Long story short we got into an argument about it and I said that if I was going to be forced to buy it, I was going to quit the bridal party.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – And on a side note it always felt weird to me that asking someone to be in a bridal party was like obligating them to a bunch of open-ended expenses on things like dresses, outings, tux rentals, etc. I always felt the bride and groom should cover that crap.” bestbobever
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – a wedding invite is not a legal summons, you have no hard obligation to go to a wedding. Even if your invite is to be in the wedding party. If you don’t want to go to a party, yes a wedding is a party, for whatever reason then that is OK.
Your reason is financial….that’s a perfectly fine reason not to go. You being asked to dye your hair is even more $ and also just way too excessive; it’s an outlandish request and totally rude. Bride is out of sorts. Don’t be bullied and do what you are financially and mentally good for…if that means not going…then don’t go.
You’d be totally justified. Don’t feel bad for saying no and sticking to it.” sillycatbutt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do not bankrupt yourself or compromise your financial security for someone else’s one-time “special occasion”. You have been nothing but upfront (and it sounds like you have made an effort to make sure that it has not been forgotten, you have reminded her of what you said) the entire time.
It sounds like your friend maybe was hoping your financial situation would somehow magically change, or that you were “not that bad off” (or that you would be OK taking on some credit card debt for your friend’s vision of her “perfect day”). Whatever her logic was (or wasn’t – head in the sand, ignoring it) it is not fair to you.
You are NTJ, and would not be a jerk if you back out of the bridal party. “Bride, I’m very regretful to have to do this but it is clear that I cannot help deliver the day you are dreaming of having. It isn’t fair to you to ask you to compromise on your vision so I am going to respectfully exit from your bridal party, though I would still love to be able to celebrate you and your wedding as a guest, as I would dearly like to support (friend) and (friend’s partner) in this next step of your lives.”” Dramatic_Attempt4318
2. AITJ For Wanting To Replace My Sister-In-Law As My Son's Godmother?
“During the pregnancy, at my husband’s request, we asked his sister if she would like to be the godmother. That wasn’t a problem for me because I don’t have any siblings and we had a good relationship.
The situation has changed since the birth of my son. It should be mentioned that my sister-in-law has been trying to have a child of her own for years and it hasn’t worked out yet. At first, she visited us often, but not since he was about 4 months old.
She hasn’t even sent us a message. When she did see him, she was cold and dismissive.
A few days ago we met her at a family celebration and I assumed she would be looking forward to seeing her nephew, but she treated him very badly, rejected his attempt to contact her, and during dinner she rolled her eyes when he got a bit loud.
(he is 9 months old) I myself had a terrible godfather who couldn’t stand me and I don’t want the same for my son. Am I the jerk for telling my husband to tell her that someone else will be the godmother? My husband refuses because he promised her when they were children and he thinks it’s because of the unfulfilled desire to have children.”
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Have you had a conversation with her about it? On the face of it, it seems her behaviour is jerk behaviour. I am not in favour of condoning that kind of behaviour, but I think there is some merit in your husband’s way of thinking.
Your SIL still needs to own up to her behaviour but also needs to talk to someone about her unfulfilled desire and the pain that goes with that. Does SIL have that kind of support? I think you need to have this conversation with SIL and address both her psychological well-being and the way she treats your son.
Then ask if she still wants to be a godmother in the face of those facts.” DutchDave87
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You talk a lot about your assumptions and what you see. You don’t mention having a conversation with her though. Maybe there is something wrong that is causing this behaviour.
People don’t typically go from constant visits and warmth to being cold and distant. Maybe something happened that you aren’t aware of. If you don’t have the conversation first, then you are just acting on assumptions. I get it’s frustrating, but maybe someone she cares about died, or maybe she is having personal issues or health issues she hasn’t told anyone about.
It could be a number of things. The point is, you won’t know what happened until you talk to her. Maybe get a babysitter to watch the baby and you and your husband can have lunch with her and talk about the situation. She might be more open if it is in a neutral setting and without a baby present.
It is important to have your husband present for the conversation as it is his sister and he can act as a buffer. You are already upset so he being there might help keep things from getting nasty.” Disneylover-4837
Another User Comments:
“I personally think that godfather/mother is mostly an honorary title with no real meaning behind it, but it depends on families of course.
What do you want her to do as the godmother? Just be present at the baptism or be more involved? I would say mostly not worth the further problems it will cause (telling her you changed your mind). Perhaps she just isn’t good with babies but will be when he is older.
Perhaps she resents him because she is struggling to have a baby. Perhaps it was just a bad day. Gently ask if she still wants to be a godmother. No jerks here.” VMIgal01
1. AITJ For Distrusting My Partner's Travel Plans After We Ended Up In Debt From Our Last Trip?
“I (F, 26) and my partner (M, 25) switched to remote jobs at the same company three years ago.
Around that time, he proposed we use our newfound freedom to travel the world since we had no local responsibilities. He was incredibly passionate about it and planned everything, so I followed his lead. For six months, we had amazing experiences.
For context, even though he’s a year younger, he had been living independently for six years while I was still with my family.
This trip was my first time so far from home, and I had experiences I never would have had without his initiative. However, the joy didn’t last long because we returned home about 1600€ in debt each. He had assured me our salaries would roughly cover the trip, but we ended up short every month, and his spontaneous booking of our return flight added several hundred euros to the cost. It took months to repay the debt, and since then, my trust in his travel planning has been shattered.
I was shocked when he said, “In a few years, we won’t think about the money anymore, but the experiences will stay with us forever.” He has a different background, having looked after himself since he was 16 and experienced bigger financial lows and highs. For me, it was my first job, and being in debt for the first time really affected me mentally and scared me a lot.
Since then, I’ve rejected all his suggestions for longer trips or traveling outside Europe. Today, he approached me again, explaining he now understands how much debt affects me and has a new one-month trip outside Europe in mind. He claimed he would ensure this trip stayed within our budget and emphasized that he wanted me to focus on our fond memories rather than the debt.
He listened to my concerns and even reviewed our past finances to find ways to save money this time. He admitted his mistake with the spontaneous return flight booking and promised to book both flights together this time.
Despite his efforts, I didn’t want to approve the trip because I’m still disappointed by his previous recklessness.
He also seemed to expect gratitude for planning everything during the first trip, which he never received because I was too angry about the aftermath. He appeared very disappointed by my rejection and lack of thanks. He reminded me we were both young and that he had learned a lot about travel planning and my needs, acknowledging how important financial stability is to me compared to him.
His attitude made me angry, and I told him, “I wasn’t just young, I was also stupid. Stupid to blindly trust you.” This hurt him deeply, and he was speechless for a while.
I believe my concerns are valid, as his prioritization of adventure over stable finances still worries me.
However, his reaction makes me question if I might be the jerk here.”
Another User Comments:
“At the age of 22 he took care of all of the planning and budgeting of your international travels for six whole months? And at the end of all of that, you only exceeded your budget by 1600 EUR each?
A lot of it being due to the last-minute flights back home? That lad did miracles. Generally no jerks here for having different preferences and priorities in life but YTJ for lashing out at him.” misof
Another User Comments:
“YTJ in general. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not blindly trust his planning anymore but I don’t understand why you can’t just be part of the planning and budget?
You do know your own financial situation right? You know what you can and cannot afford. Why not look over his one-month plan and see if it’s even feasible for you instead of rejecting it outright? Be proactive in your own life. Also, take some responsibility for your own debt.
You guys were traveling for six months and you didn’t keep track of your own spending at all in that time? If it’s the case that you just no longer want to travel with him at all then it seems like you guys might no longer be compatible in what you want out of life.” crookedframe13
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You seem to put all the blame on him for the debt, you were 23, a full adult with a job. Take some responsibility. If you want your relationship to last you need to share the blame for all the decisions you made together and stop making hurtful comments during discussions.
What’s going to happen when you mess up? Can he hold it against you forever too?” alesan_me
Metaspoon Slow or Crashing?
If Metaspoon is causing your browser to crash or run slowly, please try viewing the article in Lite Mode and it should run more smoothly!