People Come To Us For Counsel Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Not Leaving My Car For My Wife?
“When we moved across the country, I did most of the driving. My wife can drive but doesn’t enjoy it and she gets nervous on highways. So she didn’t want to drive her car alone while I drove mine. Unfortunately, this meant that I had to leave my beloved antique car behind at a buddy’s house.
Our plan was after we were settled in our new home, I would fly back and pick up my car. I’d take Route 66 back to my wife, take it slow, basically have a fun solo road trip and see the sights like I always wanted to do.
Well as luck would have it, a day after I start driving back in my car, my wife calls me and says her doctor told her she was having an ectopic pregnancy and needed to get it taken care of right away.
My wife is alone in a new state so she’s freaking out and she wants me to come home as soon as possible. She wants me to find the nearest airport or something and just leave my car in the middle of nowhere, not even in my buddy’s garage like it was before.
I asked my wife if my being there would really make any difference and she said no. The procedure she had to have was pretty simple and she wouldn’t even be in admitted to the hospital. So I said I’ll be there soon and she could just do what her doctor told her, get it handled and not stress out too much.
She said okay.
I got home maybe two or three weeks later, like I said, this road trip was a dream of mine so I made some stops to see the sights along the way. I did call my wife regularly, almost every night.
But ever since I came home my wife has been acting really cold. I guess she’s mad because I wasn’t here when she had to go through something. I get it but I did ask her beforehand and she said okay.
And I wouldn’t even have had to go get my car if she’d been willing to drive her own car by herself in the first place. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“So, instead of emotionally supporting your wife in her time of need, you took an extended vacation, cruising around the good old USA (because it was a dream of yours.) Her consent was predicated on your statement that you would be there soon.
THAT WAS A LIE. Three weeks is not soon. You should have been driving 10-12 hours a day to get there as soon as possible.
And don’t pat your back for calling her ‘almost every night.’ When I drive across the USA without my husband, we speak 4-5 times a day, and neither of us is in the middle of a health crisis.
We just miss each other.
And you blame her that you took your own sweet time getting home on her not being willing to drive her car? What a jerk.
YTJ, definitely.” PrivateEyes2020
Another User Comments:
“This is a joke, right?
‘Maybe’ two to three weeks? I bet your wife could tell us how long it was. I bet she could tell us down to the hour how long it was between her calling her husband from the doctor’s, frightened and in pain and alone, and when you finally deigned to show up weeks later with a phone camera full of pictures of every gas station along route 66.
It wasn’t about ‘abandoning your car’, don’t be obtuse.
You could have found a long-term parking lot at a regional airport and been there that day.
You could have turned around and gone back to drop the car off at your friend’s place and flown back and been there within a day or two.
You could have driven directly, as fast as safely possible, and been there in five days.
Instead, you took your time. You prioritized spending time and making memories and precious moments with your car instead of your wife during a medical emergency.
You left her alone after traumatic emergency surgery, for weeks, so you could take selfies with your car at the Grand Canyon.
When you asked her beforehand if it was okay, only an idiot would fail to understand that a serious, potentially fatal medical event like an ectopic pregnancy changed what was okay.
Only an absolute trainwreck of selfishness wouldn’t make the calculation that you can repeat a road trip anytime, but your wife needed you now.
What kind of person could even enjoy a road trip when their spouse was alone in a strange place, having an unwanted medical termination of pregnancy to save their own life, begging for you to come and hold their hand?
YTJ” Silk_tree
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Leaving your car in long-term parking at an airport is not leaving it in the middle of nowhere. Your wife was having surgery on a somewhat emergency basis. She could’ve died.
Not only did you not rush home to be there with her for something that could’ve gone horribly wrong, but you also took your time getting home; you were enjoying yourself on a road trip while she was in the hospital and at home, recovering from surgery by herself.
You chose your car and having fun over being there for your wife.” GlassSandwich9315
17. AITJ For Excluding My Dad And Stepmom From My Wedding?
“I (24F) am getting married to my fiancé (24M) this summer. We’ve decided just to do something small and fun with a few close friends and family, no reason to break the bank and stress out planning.
We always knew the guest list was going to be tricky because of family situations, but it’s gotten way more out of control than we thought and my fiancé and I are being told we’re jerks for ruining a family occasion like this since we’re the oldest grandchildren on both sides, etc, etc.
The background is that my dad had an affair for several years with an also-married member of their church when I was 14. My mom divorced him and I was so disgusted with his behavior that I couldn’t stand to be around him, so I went with my mom and refused to visit.
It was a rough time. His affair partner’s son is my age and was in my classes at school and we ended up talking through it and bonding over the whole situation. We sent a joint anti-RSVP to their wedding invitation and stayed friends.
We ended up going to the same college and three years ago realized we had feelings for each other. It was hard for my mom at first because it brought up a lot of bad memories and my fiance’s mom was especially cruel to her during all the divorce and custody stuff, but my fiancé won her over and I think being able to talk openly about it with us and his dad has helped everyone heal. One thing we agree on is that my dad and my fiance’s mom shouldn’t be at the wedding.
We’ve both resumed low contact with them, but with major boundaries, because they acted like all was forgiven when we started going out and had to be put in their place. I’ve had to firmly tell his mom that she will not be helping me plan several times and they’re not happy that my brother is walking me down the aisle instead of my dad.
My mom and his dad are willing to play nice if we want, but I feel like we’d all be more comfortable not dealing with it.
We told them we would have breakfast with them that morning and dinner before we left for our honeymoon, but they couldn’t attend the wedding itself.
It’s been drama ever since with relatives taking sides, pressure to let them come, and people making really vicious comments about marrying siblings. My fiancé has now cut off his mom completely and my dad is heartbroken that I would exclude him from my wedding, so I’m reconsidering.
I just want a calm, low-key wedding and a calm low key life with my husband.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So here’s the thing, there are no specific rules about how weddings have to be and who can/has to be, should/shouldn’t be in your life.
You (and your fiancé) are both adults, who have the autonomy to decide what you want for your wedding and for your life together in general. As long as your dad and FMIL are not giving you a cent towards your wedding, they can be upset about your choice, but cannot dictate what you can do.
The same goes for any family who is giving you grief. Wedding invitations are not a legal summons. You don’t have to invite them and they don’t have to come.” litt3lli0n
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your wedding and you can decide who you want to attend.
However, I don’t understand why you don’t just rip off the band-aid and cease all contact with your dad and MIL. Most people who have good relationships with their parents wouldn’t have the time to have breakfast with them the morning of their wedding or have dinner right before they leave for the honeymoon.
It’s just not convenient because things are so busy during that time. You don’t feel comfortable with them attending your wedding but you’re willing to inconvenience yourself so they don’t feel completely excluded. I’m not trying to criticize you, I’m just curious if these boundaries are healthy and sustainable long term.” Mother_Tradition_774
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your dad and his mom were unbelievably self-centered those years ago, and are still acting selfish now. Are they truly hurting? Sure. Of course, nobody wants to be shunned and blamed for years. Of course, it’s sad not to be invited to your child’s wedding.
But what did they expect? They created and enjoyed a permanent mess, and now they expect not to deal with it. That’s not how it works. They should be glad they got the breakfast and dinner promise – and something tells me the MIL pushed back more, hence the no contact from the son but you still feel unsure.
Or you’re just too sweet a person.
I can’t say what you should do, OP, but if I were in your shoes I’d let them know that the breakfast/dinner is off, disinvite the flying monkeys (and, very importantly I’d ask one of my brothers to handle calls from the ‘well-meaning’ relatives, as I’m a doormat but they have no qualms telling it like it is) and have a cute small wedding.
And let time tell you if it’s worth trying low contact again or not. Don’t deal with the nonsense of two jerk adults when you yourself are stressed with planning. You owe them squat.
P.S. Your dad is likely ‘heartbroken’ because he’s only now realizing more of the impact of his selfish actions.
He should’ve thought of his family when he chose to be unfaithful. This is not on you.” Dairinn
16. AITJ For Hiding From A Friend?
“I (29F) had a really horrid day at work around 2 weeks ago (well I say day, it was the morning).
It was my lunch break, and I wanted to be alone. I normally drive in a couple of friends and this one in particular (23F) has become a good friend as of late but is very clingy. I’ve gotten used to it to a certain extent, and I know she doesn’t have a lot of close people in her life so I got used to it.
One thing I’ve noticed is she offloads on me A LOT – most of our conversations are surrounding her partner, his family, and the issues going on with them, and on this one day, I didn’t want any of that.
To get back on track, whenever I go on my lunch break at work, my friend is normally not far behind and follows me everywhere. I had already messaged her and said I needed to be alone on my dinner as it was a difficult time in the office (in case it’s needed, I work in a call center, and someone had messed up some details on insurance claims I was working on, the usual of stupidly aggressive customers, personal issues, etc.) and she asked if I was OK, and I told her I’d work it out but I’ll be OK.
10 minutes into my break I was in the smoking area when I saw her walking out of the building on her phone and didn’t think much of it until I got a message asking me where I was. I messaged her back and said I needed some alone time and thought it best to head to my car and that way, I could have some quiet time, stick my radio on instead and relax.
She sent me another message wanting to come and see me but I persisted I just wanted to be alone. At this point, I’m in the car, and I just got in the back. It has tinted windows, and I figured if she came looking for me, I’d at least be in privacy.
Around 15 minutes later I was browsing 9gag when my front passenger door opened and she got in the front. I jumped up pretty quickly and asked what she was doing. She told me she had been looking for me everywhere and another colleague mentioned they saw me get in my car so she wanted to come and chat.
I did cut her off and asked her to leave because I’d already advised I just wanted some alone time to sit and think and she got out of the car without a word.
I popped up to some friends privately about the situation and they said I am a jerk for basically hiding and dodging her, I tried to explain again my morning was rough, I was struggling to control my emotions and this opinion didn’t change.
I’ve been overthinking it for a little bit and wanted to see what people here thought…
I don’t know if it helps, but I and Friend still hang out and have fun, we don’t really talk about the situation we’ve just gotten past it but because of the private friends I do feel stingy for what I did and I don’t know… so that’s the story.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are not the jerk in this situation. It’s understandable that you needed some alone time after a difficult morning at work. You communicated this to your friend and she should have respected your wishes. It was not okay for her to barge into your car when you clearly wanted to be alone.
As someone with BPD, it’s important for you to prioritize your mental health and well-being. It’s okay to set boundaries and take care of yourself. It’s good to hear that you and your friend have moved past the situation, but it’s important to continue communicating your needs and boundaries in the future.
Don’t let others make you feel bad for taking care of yourself.” crappyoffbrandss
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You communicated nicely and set boundaries, she basically was like ‘screw your boundaries’ and stomped all over them. I get that you give her rides but who just gets in a presumably empty car after you told her you needed to be alone, to basically ambush you.
That’s some emotional vampire territory.
You two are ‘fine’ and haven’t talked about it since, but perhaps you should sit her down and spell out that she completely disrespected you, after you nicely and plainly communicated that you needed to be alone.
Because it seems to have gone in one ear and out the other, for her. Also as others said, you’re not her emotional support animal.” BettiSpaghetti327
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you said you needed alone time when she asked you where you were.
That isn’t hiding, that is saying, do not join me I want to be alone. You had already messaged her before that asking her to leave you alone. She sent you another message and again you asked to be left alone.
Then she gets into your car! You weren’t hiding you were trying to escape her harassment. You sent messages over and over again that you wanted to be alone. Dodging her would be just hiding from her without communicating that you wanted to be left alone.
She stomped all over your boundaries. She stalked you down.” User
15. AITJ For Calling My Sister An Evil Jerk?
“My son, Jay (fake name) is a year younger than his sister. It’s been something of a struggle since he was born because he wasn’t planned like our two older children and it’s really rough to have two babies in diapers.
Also giving birth fourteen months apart was just not on. I won’t say I’ve been depressed, but I’ve definitely been complain-y, which I feel is my right.
My sister, whenever I complained about how hard it is to have two kids under two, would call me immature and a poor planner, so obviously I stopped complaining to her and now only talk to my husband or friends about my feelings.
I guess she felt deprived of no longer having an opportunity to insult me to my face because she went behind my back. She went to my husband’s mom and told her that I didn’t want to give birth to Jay and lied to my husband, telling him I got a miscarriage.
She told my mother-in-law that the only reason I didn’t terminate my pregnancy was that she kept promising to drive me and not showing up until it was too late to get one.
My mother-in-law called my husband freaking out telling him not to trust me with the kids.
He was basically just ‘??? WHAT?!’ When his mom told him what my sister said, he let me know. I called my sister and cussed her out and asked her what her problem was. She claimed everything she said happened, happened, and I just don’t remember because I blocked it from my mind.
I said, ‘You are an evil jerk, and don’t ever come near me or my kids again, you vile wretched excuse of a woman.’ Then I hung up.
She has texted me all sorts of things and called me, but I haven’t responded. Now that the heat of the moment has passed, I feel bad for using such foul language about my own flesh and b***d.
I never use gendered insults like that, because I think they are gross, but at the moment that’s the worst thing I could think to say, and I wanted to say the worst thing. I feel like I stooped to her level.
But what she did was so terrible I get angry all over again every time I think about it. However, my sister also has a history of misremembering things, so maybe she remembers me saying ‘This is really frustrating and bad timing’ as me planning to terminate my pregnancy in her head.
Maybe she honestly believes her own story. Am I a jerk for saying such disgusting things to my own sister?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is a viperous liar and that makes her dangerous. Even if she misremembered (already hard to believe), nothing on earth justifies her dripping poison in your MIL’s ear.
If she has done this before (and maybe even if she hasn’t), you should not accept her back into your life without assurance from a therapist that she’s become a safe person. What if she targets your husband next? Or your kids?
Your use of a ‘gendered insult’ is really neither here nor there. Even if you consider you did that, given the provocation it’s completely understandable.
I am so sorry this happened to you. What an evil lie to tell!” Pinkie_Flamingo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your sister did a really terrible thing. She didn’t make this accusation to you – she told your MIL, and who else? I doubt she only told the one other person, that’s just the person who reacted. She created an unnecessary concern about the safety of your children while in your care.
Your sister might have a borderline personality disorder – between the nasty comments putting you down, and a downright lie that she seems to believe but is based on an actual related thing you did say, and an extreme desire for attention even through negative means.
Like if you had actually said that- what benefit is there for your sister to call your MIL? There is none, except the attention your sister got- and it doesn’t matter if it’s good attention or bad attention. Only a therapist can properly diagnose, and if she does have BPD there’s a low chance she’ll actually be willing to get checked out.
My mom has BPD, she once accused me of being some kind of cat burglar and breaking into her house to steal her stuff and donate it to the salvation army. She also accused my stepdad post-divorce of planting all kinds of spyware on her phone/email/security cameras – I was like ‘Really?
You think the same guy who calls me from his smartphone to ‘do the googling’ for him hacked your email?'” michuru809
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your sister obviously enjoyed putting you down when you confided in her and when you stopped complaining to her, you cut off her ability to put you down, so she’s found a new way.
Lie to your MIL.
Your sister is toxic and although your choice of words could have been better, they were deserved for what she tried to do.
Narcissists always pull the ‘you don’t remember it correctly or have you’ve obviously blocked it from your mind’ crap.
They do it to make you question your sanity and to try to gain more control over you.
Cut her out of your life. She’s not misremembering anything, she’s trying to manipulate you.” dire012021
14. AITJ For Not Going To My Stepdaughter's Graduation?
“I (44m) have a bio daughter Cam (21F) and a stepdaughter May (22F).
For context: Cam received a prestigious award in her studies (she’s in med school) and her event is scheduled on the same day as May’s grad.
I’m opting to go for Cam’s event as she’s my bio kid. No hate for May but she was sent to a private college fully paid for by her parents. My daughter’s achievement is something great and she’s the 2nd gen from my fam to receive this award.
(I’m a doctor as well). My partner Mi (40F) is requesting I attend May’s grad as it is a milestone, but I’m refusing. Moreover, we will be handing Cam a piece of jewelry that has been in my family for 7 generations, she will be 9th as it skipped me.
I don’t think it should go to May as it is a family heirloom. My daughter’s achievement isn’t hard to achieve while May is graduating but is just a normal student graduating. I did agree to get lunch at a restaurant the next day as we will be having a party for both girls then.
Mi insists the jewelry piece should be given by my parents to May during this party but I’m refusing. My parents are cordial with Mi and May but aren’t willing to play grandparents to her.
Mi: My daughter May will be graduating from college and I requested for my partner to come as a college grad is important in a person’s life.
He’s been in her life since she was 10 and played an important role in her life. HE is like a father figure to her and they both acknowledge it. I want him to be there for her milestone. I was hoping he would give the jewelry piece to May as she is his older kid.
It would be lovely for them to share this and have an official connection with one another. Is it so bad I want his parents to recognize May as their granddaughter along with Cam?
So who is the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The pair of you.
Carl: you have every right to attend your daughter’s graduation/award ceremony in place of Mi’s daughter. But I am docking you points for referring to May’s as ‘just a normal school graduation’ while at the same time lauding over Cam’s prestige and awards.
That’s a jerk move on your part. Don’t be a jerk. Graduation is important to those who achieve it, be it from high school, medical school, or trade school. Don’t belittle May’s achievements in favor of Cam’s. (This is why I called you a jerk).
With regards to the family heirloom. Jewelry stays in the family, enough said. Mi has no claim on it whatsoever, she wouldn’t even if you were married.
Mi: You attend May’s ceremony and Carl attends Cam’s, that’s all that needs to happen here.
It does not matter that Carl has been in May’s life for 10 years, he is not her father. He has his own daughter’s ceremony to attend. The jewelry remains in his family in accordance with how they choose to hand the piece down.
As far as Carl’s parents go, May is not their granddaughter. While, yes, it would be nice of them to recognize her achievements, they’re not going to do so at the expense of their granddaughter. Why should they break 7 generations of a family tradition for your daughter?
You both go to your kids’ ceremonies, jewelry stays in Carl’s family and you have a great big old party to celebrate both.” BadBandit1970
Another User Comments:
“Mi is the jerk here. Of course, Carl should be at Cam’s event and the idea that May should inherit a family heirloom that’s been intended for Cam her entire life is beyond entitled and, frankly, kind of bizarre.
It sounds like there may be some defensiveness on Mi’s part as she mentions her daughter is the eldest (and therefore deserves the heirloom) but she’s graduating from college, which Cam has ostensibly already done as she’s in med school.
Mi, YTJ big time and you owe your stepdaughter and husband an apology. Carl, NTJ and try not to trip on the trail of red flags this woman leaves in her wake. Have fun at your daughter’s event!” nmatenumber34667
Another User Comments:
“Carl – NTJ, you should be there for your daughter as it is an important event. The jewelry belongs to her as it is a family heirloom meant to be passed to a blooded family member.
Mi – YTJ, you are asking Carl to ignore his daughter, who has been in his life for 21 years versus your daughter who he has known for 12 years.
Why would it make sense for him to ignore his daughter and give her something that is not rightfully hers? You are not even married nor has he adopted your child. Additionally, if the jewelry is being given by his parents to his daughter you have no say in who it goes to.” PurpleBugBull
13. AITJ For Saying My Partner Is Selfish For Not Learning Sign Language For My Daughter?
“My daughter Ruby was born mute. She can understand words, but we use sign language to communicate. While she can use her phone or write, obviously she prefers to sign.
The issue is my partner, Amanda. We’ve been together for around 9 months and introduced our children around 3 months ago. They don’t know sign language so communication with Ruby was awkward at first, she hates having to write or use her phone at home.
So I taught Amanda some basic signs beforehand, and I’ve continued teaching her and Mia more this time. Mia is getting a lot better actually.
But Amanda has apparently decided it’s too hard and refuses to learn anymore. She says that it’s ‘unnecessary’ since Ruby can understand her and communicate in other ways.
While Ruby is usually willing to do that for them, she doesn’t enjoy it and finds it frustrating. I told Amanda she was being selfish and lazy. That it’s not fair to put all the effort into Ruby. It’s one thing if she doesn’t get it after years, but it’s only been a few months.
It’s just ridiculous. We got into a fight over it and she basically called me a jerk and said it’s not her fault she struggles with it. But that doesn’t mean just giving up. If she wants to be in our life it’s the bare minimum effort to put in.
I clearly think she’s just being selfish, while she thinks I’m a jerk and unfair. I vented to my brother and he agreed with Amanda. That I can’t force her to learn and not everyone is good with language. And that Ruby doesn’t ‘need’ it and I’m ‘coddling her’.
I’m honestly still upset off but I do love Amanda. She’s normally thoughtful and kind, and I guess it’s possible it’s just me being overprotective of Ruby. I think it’s a reasonable expectation, but I’m starting to doubt myself.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
She met your children three months ago and struggles to pick up sign language. While you have a right to choose a partner who will meet your daughter on her level, three months is hardly a lot of time.
I think you could have an honest discussion and say ‘I really love you but I will never propose to and marry someone who won’t learn sign language given my daughter. I understand that our relationship is still fairly new and it’s a lot to ask but I won’t move forward unless that is something you are willing to do.’
This will set clear expectations and open an honest dialogue. Amanda will have to make her own decision and you can proceed accordingly. I suspect you’ll have your answer within a few months. If I were to guess you will break up but if not that means she stepped up.
Good luck!” CanyonCoyote
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not for wanting to protect your daughter, but for not divulging to your partner the real reason you want her to learn sign language. Telling your partner that communicating in the way they do is frustrating for her can make someone completely 180.
Telling her she’s being lazy and selfish is exactly what she responded to: unfair and a jerk. Your tone saying ‘She apparently DECIDED it was too hard…’ paints a bigger picture for me.
You’ve not given her a great reason to learn, called her selfish for not communicating despite them having a reason, and called her lazy for not picking it up in the short time they’ve known each other.
You set her up for failure in the first place and for that alone YTJ.
If you had given her the reasoning, not called her lazy, and given her more time to learn it? Then it would be on her.
You haven’t, so it isn’t.” Insanity_Found
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – you’ve been together less than a year and she’s only known your children for three months. That’s not very long to be making YOUR child’s needs/wants/comfort HER priority.
As a person who loves learning new languages, I would jump at the chance, but it’s not for everyone and if she’s struggling with it I can see how that would be frustrating (especially since this is something only SHE has to put effort/brain power/emotional labor into for your relationship).
It’s totally fair that Ruby is frustrated, too – both things can be true and valid.
It’s OK if this is the thing you break up over because it sounds like it’s a deal breaker for both of you. You should, however, be clear upfront with people you date in the future that you expect them to learn, practice, and become fluent ASL if you end up together long term.” hoopharder
Another User Comments:
“You are not the jerk for expecting Amanda to learn to sign to communicate with your daughter. I want to make that clear. And you’re right that Amanda is not being fair.
Where you’re the jerk is in your approach.
You called Amanda ‘selfish and lazy.’ And I don’t even know that I think you were a mean jerk, just foolish. I don’t know how old you are, but you are old enough to have a child who communicates, reads, and writes.
So you’re old enough to learn how to better communicate too. (I’ll get back to this.)
Amanda is definitely the jerk, in a bigger and more obvious way, but I think maybe she’s the jerk, because she is struggling to learn to sign, and her difficulties in doing so make her feel bad about herself.
Ruby is and will always be in your life, so if Amanda wants to remain in your life, she needs to learn how to communicate with Ruby. You are right to expect her to learn to do so.
Where you are wrong is in the name-calling, as I mentioned above, and maybe in the teaching, itself.
You might feel like you’re doing a great job teaching, but obviously, it is not working for Amanda. You had the benefit of learning to sign as Ruby learned to sign. You learned it together, so your communication with her is natural for you both.
Amanda might need someone who is a better teacher and signer than you, to teach her how to sign. (Ideally, she would learn from a deaf person, or another person for whom sign is their first language, not a hearing-speaking person, such as yourself.)
Instead of belittling Amanda, explain to her why it is necessary to communicate with Ruby in Ruby’s language. Since Amanda is a mother, she should be reachable from this angle. She should be able to think to herself, ‘What if this was Mia?
What would I want to see from OP?’ So that’s how you approach her. You can even ask Amanda that, flat out. Would Ruby’s school have any resources to teach hearing/oral-speaking people to sign in formal lessons? Could you get Amanda to take some lessons and gift those lessons to her?
This all sounds difficult, and I don’t mean to come down hard on you. Your instincts to protect your daughter and encourage communication between her and the people you bring into her life are good parenting instincts.
Where you’re having trouble is with your partnering instincts.
When your partner disappoints you, you don’t tell them they’re being lazy and selfish. You explain why the issue at hand is important to you, then you ask them what they need, in order to (do what you want) regarding this important issue.
Now, if you’re reasonable, and if you’re trying to help Amanda find a way to learn sign that works for Amanda, and Amanda still refuses, she is a jerk, and you should break up with her.
But right now, from your telling of it?
Everyone sucks here.” YupNopeWelp
12. AITJ For Quickly Moving On From My Best Friend's Passing?
“My best friend died in an accident about a week ago. We had a trip planned for the summer together with some other close friends.
I was responsible for organizing the trip, so a day after I got the terrible news, I went ahead and canceled everything we booked. We never officially ‘discussed’ it before the cancellation, but it was said between the lines that no one wants to go without her.
Since they already paid for the Airbnb, I gave them their money back once everything was taken care of. And that’s when they found out what I’ve been busy with. They got furious and called me cold-hearted for starting on these chores so early.
For me, mourning and moving on are two separate things that don’t collide. I can mourn her without messing things up for others, especially since it’s an expensive trip that none of us can afford if we’re not going. I was heartbroken when I had to cancel each and everything we once had planned together, but I just don’t think it’s right to put my feelings first when it’s my responsibility to make sure things don’t get even harder for everyone else.
And I don’t see how I’ve hurt anyone.
But for the others, what I did was like erasing my best friend from my life right after they died. Her husband is now refusing to let me go to her funeral because I ‘obviously don’t care’.
Was what I did really so harmful?”
Another User Comments:
“You are not a jerk, but you might be German. NTJ
It probably feels odd to your friends, but I can totally understand why you did what you did. Some of us put everything off when they are mourning, like the father yesterday who waited four months to tell his son that his half-sister died before being born, and was angry his mother explained first.
Others have to make sure everything is organized down to the last triangle prawn sandwich at the funeral before collapsing in grief.
This is just a mismatch by the sound of it.” visiblepeer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
We all mourn in different ways.
Honestly, you were being mature and responsible to ensure other people aren’t financially hurt by the unexpected loss.
When a family member dies, there’s always someone who has to do all of the essential chores even while they’re mourning as well.
That person is absolutely NOT THE JERK. They’re the quiet, strong ones holding space so everyone else can collapse.
Often, such people put their feelings ‘on hold’ to do what must be done, then perhaps they break down. I’d say them excluding you from her funeral makes them total jerks here.” bmyst70
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everyone deals with grief differently. Some process it by breaking down and getting all the hurt and loss out in one epic cry. Some throw themselves into work or take care of tying up matters of the estate.
It sounds like you’re maybe in the latter group. For some, this can also be a way of maintaining control… the individual is gone, no one can change that, and it’s a terrible feeling. But tying up these loose ends, things that NEED doing is something that you can absolutely control, and having things to keep them busy is comforting to some.
Just be sure to give yourself time to properly grieve later on, in whatever way you feel most comfortable.” Moonchaser70
11. AITJ For Telling My Friend Why I Don't Invite Her Out?
“I (28F) have a friend, Vanessa, also 28. We’ve been friends since school. I have been with my partner for about a year. My partner travels a lot for work and a lot of these trips include socializing with people he’s in business with, some of whom are friends.
I often travel with him and when he’s home he does the same sort of things in our home city. Since Vanessa learned that this is the case, she has been asking to be invited along on nights out and trips.
The thing is, I don’t think it would be a good idea for several reasons.
Firstly, the people we often travel/go out with are a certain type of guy – work hard, play harder, and they like to ‘play’ around certain types of women.
Absolutely have no issue with these women, a lot of them I’ve become friends with, and Vanessa is great, too, I love her, but it’s oil and water. This wouldn’t necessarily be an issue, but my second reason is, Vanessa, can get very upset/down/moody when she feels insecure, especially in male-dominated environments.
If we’re at a bar and a guy is talking to me not her, that will pretty much ruin the evening. I don’t much mind this when it’s me and her, but on several days-long trips, with things like that happening daily, I don’t have time to manage her.
Third, in the same vein, if I’m out with people my partner is associated with, I feel a responsibility to make sure that I reflect well on him (and vice versa), so bringing Vanessa along just doesn’t feel appropriate to me.
In the beginning, I was a bit more honest about not inviting her, saying ‘Oh, I don’t think these people are really your vibe’ or ‘It’s a bit boring just sitting around listening to guys talk’, but Vanessa kept insisting she’d like to come, I just started dodging with ‘I’ll see’ or ‘I don’t know when I’m next doing something’, but she keeps becoming more insistent, especially after seeing another friend of mine (not a mutual friend, but Vanessa follows her on social media) post about a trip she came on with me.
Vanessa has started complaining to our mutual friends about me being a bad friend for not inviting her and how weird it is that I’m so ‘secretive’. I saw her for lunch a few days ago and she wanted to make plans for a certain date and I said I was away.
Vanessa then snapped, oh on another one of your shady trips that you refuse to invite me on. I don’t know if it was the rosé or exhaustion but I said, ‘Vanessa, be honest with yourself and with me. Do you think you’re going to have a good time surrounded by girls like that and the guys who chase them?
Or are you going to get jealous and sulky and have a bad time?’ Vanessa told me to get lost and stormed out.
I know it was harsh, but I felt a massive sense of relief that it was all out in the open.
However, our mutual friends are pretty split over whether I should have told her or continued dodging it, even if she was talking behind my back. Did I pass honest and go straight to jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“If you have to ‘manage’ your friend’s moods because she’s insecure, jealous, and moody, I cannot imagine it being fun to hang out with her in general. It sounds like Vanessa is either out for the free drinks and food or shopping for a man.
She is not entitled to be involved in every detail of your life, and accusing you of being ‘secretive’ indicates the concept of boundaries and personal independence may be challenging for her. People who trash-talk behind their friends’ backs are not actually friends.
You told her how it was and she didn’t like all that shiny bright honesty. NTJ” Dance_Sneaker
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like I used to work with a similar clientele to your partner’s and it’s an interesting crowd, not for everyone, but can be a fun crowd.
I think it’s weird how insistent Vanessa has been about inviting herself to these events and she seems to have no self-awareness of how awkward she makes things for you at these events. And I agree with you that since these are your partner’s clients, it’s important to reflect positively so there’s no chance of behavior affecting his relationship with those clients.
Yeah, I do think you were a bit harsh but my god, she was not picking up on all of your reasons for not letting her constantly invite herself to these events and even going so far as to get upset that someone else had gone.
Her complaining to mutual friends seems to solidify that she’s not mad about not getting to hang out with you, but she’s mad she’s not invited to these events she really has no business going to in the first place.
So it actually sounds like she’s using you.
Since you felt relief after what you said, maybe it’s time to end this relationship with Vanessa. It doesn’t sound like you’re friends because you want to be, it sounds like you just stayed friends out of habit/history, even though you’ve grown apart.” thehotmcpoyle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, while it probably wasn’t the easiest thing for your friend to hear, it’s not like what you said came out of nowhere. She could have just taken the hint when you said it wouldn’t be her scene.
She is the one who insisted on wanting to come in the first place, which is the only reason you even said what you said in the first place. Besides the behavior you describe her having in these environments sounds like a nightmare for a kinda business trip and could reflect badly on your partner.” First-Repeat5832
10. AITJ For Going Home Early?
“I (M32) traveled a few states away to see my mom on her birthday. I see her 2-3 times per year. I rented a car and drove down Thursday after work. I arrived at her house Friday morning. I had a plane ticket to return home Monday at 2 pm.
My wife did not travel with me for a couple of reasons. First, she is in school and has exams the following week. She wanted to stay home to study. Second, we adopted a dog a month prior and did not want to board the puppy.
Saturday night, I spoke to my wife on the phone before bed. She expressed being overwhelmed by the dog and studying. I said I wish I could come home early to help. My wife agreed coming home early would help alleviate her stress.
Sunday morning I moved my flight Monday from 2 pm to 8 am. I told my mom of the change and was met with no reaction. That afternoon, two of my mom’s friends came over for drinks. I sat with them talking.
Around 5 pm, I stepped away to call home and check-in. We spoke for about 30 minutes. After the call, I went back to sit down with my mom and her friends.
When I entered the room, one of her friends asked, ‘You didn’t have to move your flight up earlier, did you?’
I responded I was just checking in at home. The same friend then says, ‘Where are your balls? Does your wife have you on a short leash? You have no backbone and are rushing home. I mean you are such a sissy.’
I looked over at my mom and she sat back and watched this unfold. I attempted to explain my wife was stressed and wanted me home. My mom’s friend continued berating me. I looked again at my mom who sat back and said nothing.
My mom eventually said, ‘Stop, he’s not going to want to sit with us anymore’. I then walked into it if the room and went for a walk to cool down.
When I came home 30 minutes later my mom apologized for her friend being so mean.
I accepted her apology and we didn’t discuss the event for the rest of the night.
The next day, my mom drove me to the airport and said ‘Tell your wife to thank you for lending you to me’.
I feel like changing my flight earlier upset my mom l, and she shared those frustrations with her friends and not me. I see her 2-3 times per year so I could be the jerk for shortening that time.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ. When you have a wife, she should always be your #1 priority. That being said, in this case, I think it’s extremely unreasonable of her to ask you to come home early. If you plan a trip to spend time with your mom, your mom should be the focus and priority for the duration of the trip, unless there’s an emergency (which this wasn’t).
You shouldn’t be cutting your time with her short just because your wife is stressed out. You probably made her feel like you don’t really care about her that much.
Your wife would’ve been fine for another 6 hours.
For Pete’s sake, it’s a dog, not a baby. I would argue that most people in her position have already learned how to manage that level of stress and responsibility without making it everyone else’s problem.
Your mom’s friend sounds unhinged and rude, but you clearly hurt your mom’s feelings and I can see why.” bordennium
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, your mom should’ve defended you and communicated if she was unhappy with you leaving earlier. Your wife needs to grow up a bit, if she can’t handle 72 hours without you around then she’s got bigger problems to contend with.
You should assert yourself and say no to something unreasonable, but also moving up your flight six hours doesn’t change anything. Nothing could’ve happened any sooner in six hours that couldn’t have happened after the original flight time.
You barely see her a few times a year and then you leave early and comfort your wife at the drop of a phone call?” liquiditygentleman
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like your mom’s friend was spewing absolute toxicity.
‘Where are your balls? Does your wife have you on a short leash? You have no backbone and are rushing home. I mean you are such a sissy.’
What?! This is not ok to say. She basically told you that being a good partner to your wife is a bad thing.
And, it’s not like you left on Saturday or Sunday. It’s a matter of hours. And the last comment your mom made – ‘Tell your wife thank you for lending you to me.’ It’s passive-aggressive and paints you as if you were nothing more than an object.
That’s dehumanizing. You’re still a person who can make choices and have feelings. I’m glad your mom apologized for her friend’s nasty behavior, but, she should apologize for that parting line as well.
I’m sorry.
All this is awful. I’m glad you are such a good husband to your wife. You are very admirable in that. Plus, you make time for your mom 2-3 times a year. Some kids can’t do that, and sometimes won’t.
You did nothing wrong. You were accountable to your partner when she needed you. Parents have to understand that when it comes to their adult children.” TransitionDry2148
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your mom’s friends are jerks for grilling you so hard about it, and your mom is a bit of a jerk for not just telling you how she felt about you moving your flight.
But come on dude. You see your mom 3 times a year. Your wife can’t cope with a dog and studying for 3 days? You getting home 6 hours earlier really changes things for your wife? I mean what even happens in those 6 hours for your wife – one dog walk that you can now do instead of her?
But that 6 hours is a lot for your mom, a meal together and more time chatting.
If my partner couldn’t make it 3 days without me, I would lose it.” mfruitfly
Ridiculous
9. AITJ For Being Mad At My Fiancé For Being Noisy?
“My fiancé (34M) and I (36F) have lived together for 1.5 years at this point. I moved into his place because he already had a home and I was still an apartment renter.
For some context… this house is a piece of work. One of the issues that will likely never get resolved is soundproofing. Sound carries through this house like you wouldn’t believe.
My fiancé works a 3-day, 12 hours/day schedule Sun-Tues.
I work a traditional M-F 8 hours/day schedule. I also have a 20-30 minute commute. I am up by 5:45 on workdays. He has always stayed up late on his nights off, sometimes until 4 am. His best friend lives in Alaska.
With the time difference, it’s the only time they have to play video games together. I’m very supportive of their friendship. What I’m sick of is being woken up Tues.-Fri. between the hours of midnight and 4 am because he’s yelling a callout to his buddy and startles me awake.
This could be a once-a-week thing, or it could be multiple times per night/week. Getting back to sleep for me can take up to an hour.
I have asked him to please lower his volume. I have asked him to please sit on the far side of the couch so he’s not directly down from the hallway and the sound can be filtered a bit more.
When he does these two things, I can’t hear him. It’s also only an issue in cold months when I can’t run a fan in the room.
His responses? He never had a problem before (referring to his ex-wife) so it must be me.
He doesn’t mean to, he just gets caught up in the moment. He swears he was on that side of the couch and whispering, I’m just such a light sleeper. And of course ‘we need to get you some earplugs.’
I have said to him that my being a light sleeper, etc. is irrelevant. We are adults in an adult relationship sharing a house and it is not unreasonable to ask him to be quiet on my work nights after I go to bed. This happens every week like clockwork, so ‘getting caught up’ when it’s a regular thing doesn’t wash with me, especially when it’s never just an outburst and then he quiets down.
He will shout and continue to talk at full volume until I get out of bed and go out to glare at him. My health and well-being should matter enough that he doesn’t conveniently forget every time he has to shoot a zombie.
No, I do not want to wear earplugs. 1) I already have anxiety about missing an alarm to the point that I set two every night on two different devices 2) I have ADHD so stimuli can really annoy me to the point of non-sleep, something in my ears sounds like a nightmare 3) I reiterate–we are adults… I should not have to jump through a hoop so he can enjoy his abundance of free time without having to be considerate of me.
So guys. Who’s the jerk? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It seems that you and your well-being just don’t matter enough to him.
His argument with his ex-wife is completely absurd, whether she wasn’t a light sleeper or fell back to sleep easier than you doesn’t matter, it matters that your actual well-being is affected.
Personally, I think you might want to call it quits because you stated that you are reaching the end of your sanity. He doesn’t care about you getting enough sleep, or he would do something to change.
If you want to continue, have you thought about getting a grey noise machine?
Because you wrote it’s not a problem in the summer when you have the fan on.” annamariapix
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – being deprived of your sleep is maddening. Absolutely, utterly maddening.
Your SO is being inconsiderate, it’s not a huge ask for anyone to be quiet on worknights.
Heck, even my teenage daughter (who games), can manage to do that.
Is there a possibility of hanging up a heavy, sound-dampening curtain in the hallway between the living room and the bedroom? It is amazing what a fabric panel can do.
But regardless, work (and school), always trumps play. Tell your SO that if he can’t be respectful of your need for work and sleep, that you could easily start a tit-for-tat and smash around and turn lights on at 5:30 am in the morning.
I’d bet a few weeks of that and he’d be a bit more understanding of what sleep deprivation really means.” busyshrew
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He should be more considerate. Bringing up his ex to excuse himself and blame you is dirty.
36! Holy cow and he has to play MULTIPLE times per week games for HOURS and has so little self-control, a grown-up man, and gets so excited every single time to shout?! Nobody can stand inconsiderate people. Also, EARPLUGS? When you need to wake up at 5:30, you do not want to overhear the alarm bcs you were wearing earplugs, or is he going to be waking you up 5x a week, can’t imagine it though, since he is an inconsiderate jerk and would conveniently forget to wake you.
Plus, I wore earplugs, and they are a crappy solution, at least for me. It feels very stiffly plus I can hear some kind of rubbing noises from these things.” Professional-Duck469
8. AITJ For Not Telling My Mom About My Haircut?
“I (18F) have wanted to get my hair cut short for as long as I can remember but my mother never allowed it when I lived at home. She did say I could do whatever I wanted with my hair once I moved away to uni.
I left home a few months ago. About 2 weeks before I came back home for Christmas, I finally decided to get my hair cut and I was really happy with the results. I decided not to tell my mother as I had an exam the next week and I was worried that she might say something not nice about it and I’d get upset and not perform well in my exam.
I thought my parents might call me the week after the exam when I was planning to share my news about my haircut, but they didn’t so I decided to just show them in person. I didn’t tell most of my friends, and when they found out, they thought it was a nice surprise, as did my dad.
My dad came to pick me up to take me back home, and he texted my mother about my haircut. I knew that she wouldn’t like it but I had no idea that she would react so badly. She ignored me most of the holidays, didn’t even want to come to see me once I arrived home (I’d not seen my family for about 2 months at this point), and my dad told me that she wanted me to wear a hat whenever she was near.
She said she thought I was being secretive and immature for not sharing this and giving her time to process it. I’m not sure if I should have told her the week before I came home, I’m not sure if it would have made the situation any better.
I really did not know that she would have wanted time to process my change.
So am I the jerk for waiting until I came home to tell my mother about my haircut?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It sounds like your mom has some serious issues around control.
Until you went away she exercised control over your appearance. What your mom is angry about is that she expressed her wishes (that you wouldn’t cut it) and you went against them, advance warning would have made no difference.
It’s not that it was a surprise, You were clear for years that you wanted to cut your hair, and she explained that her stance was ‘not under my roof’ which you stuck to. so any normal person would assume that you’d enforce your own opinion once that expired.
Your dad is enabling your mom’s awful behavior, I’m guessing it’s because he’s trying to keep the peace? But in doing so he validates her unreasonable opinions making your perfectly acceptable decision look irrational and petty.
If she neglects you over something so trivial imagine how she’s going to react over serious life decisions like kids, finances, and career where you don’t do exactly what she wants.
Shut that crap down now. Set your boundaries, explain them clearly to both parents, and enforce them strictly. ‘I’m an adult, capable of making my own decisions, I value your opinion as my parents but ultimately I’ll decide what is right for me.
If you’re going to sulk, avoid me, and behave like a child because my choices don’t align with yours I simply won’t visit. You ignored your own daughter who you hadn’t seen for months… over a haircut.
A HAIRCUT’.” i-do-the-things
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Good grief. It’s a haircut.
Tell your drama llama momma that if she can’t handle being around you and your fabulous haircut she is welcome to remove herself from your presence or she can sit there shut up and keep her eyes closed.
If she decides to make a show out of leaving because of your haircut… maybe consider chasing her around the house. Announcing ‘Fabulous haircut entering the room Mom… you probably want to leave’ or ‘Fabulous haircut coming to get you’ before you enter whatever room she’s in.
Or malicious compliance. Go buy the biggest, most obnoxious hat you can. Like Dr. Seuss Cat in the Hat type thing and wear that. Everywhere. Regardless if it matches your outfit or not. The more ridiculous the hat the better.
Adding spray glitter, lights, and bells to the hat is allowed too.” Happy-Greyhound-8821
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It sounds like your mother doesn’t recognize you as a person, and sees you as an extension of herself.
This is a trait really common with narcissists and folks with a borderline personality disorder.
An especially bad sign is when she tried to flip the script and blame you for her very immature behavior. (People with BPD and N are NEVER to blame for their own actions; everything they do will always be someone else’s fault.)
Even if she doesn’t have those disorders, learning about them might give you some insight that applies to your situation, because there are overlaps.
Please get some help so you have some good coping skills for dealing with your mom.” tendervittles77
7. AITJ For Not Sharing My Family's Cookbook With My Half-Sister?
“My mom’s grandma started a cookbook before she had kids, my grandma inherited it from her when grandma started having kids and then my mom got it before she had me. My mom gave it to me when she was sick (I was 7 at the time) and died soon after.
She told me to be careful with it and that it was special to our family.
A couple of years after she died I learned my dad had had an affair with his now-wife and that my half-sister was the product of the affair and born before my parents’ divorce was finalized. I was too young to realize when it was all going on.
After learning this I had a hard time being around my dad. I remember my mom being sad and it made sense why. I also learned that he had told my mom in a really cruel way. How I found out is I eavesdropped on a fight between Dad and my uncle and aunt (my mom’s siblings) and heard it all, including how much my dad hated how ‘boring’ my mom was.
I remained distant from him, his wife, and my half-siblings ever since (I have two more half-sisters and a half-brother).
My dad decided to tell the oldest of my half-siblings about the cookbook. He mentioned how much I valued it and all kinds of stuff.
She wanted to share it with me, to cook from it, and to get to write in it like I will someday. She pestered me about it and every time I told her no. Then her parents would tell her more about it.
In the end, she was upset and sobbing over being told no. I had told her it was something special from my mom’s side and I wanted to keep it private until I have children. That wasn’t good enough because she insisted we’re family and she’s my sister.
My dad and his wife were angry with me. My dad’s parents also told me I should have shared it with her and that I’m being cruel to her when my mom isn’t alive to care if the child born from the affair gets part of the book or not, but she could be closer to me because I share it with her.
I don’t really care about my dad or his wife’s opinion. I have no respect for them. They’re pieces of work in my eyes. But my grandparents and I always got along okay enough.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your entire family is.
Your mom died when you were very young and then add all this ridiculous affair awfulness to it. Traumatic and I am so sorry.
You seem very well-adjusted for someone who has suffered so much. You are 100 percent entitled to honor your mother’s memory however you see fit.
If that means sharing the book – cool! If it means not sharing the book – that’s cool too! Do what you want. The fact your family can’t allow you to honor your mother how you see fit is absolutely disgusting.
I am so sorry OP.” DoraTheUrbanExplorer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She may be biologically your half-sister, but she was never your mother’s daughter. It’s very clear that your father didn’t respect your mother in life and is continuing to disrespect her in her death.
You are allowed to be protective of something that your deceased mother gave to you and is solely your possession. It’s not your responsibility to explain to your half-sister why the request is incredibly inappropriate – I’m assuming she is already aware of the fact that your father sneaked around his first wife’s back with her mother and she was a product of that affair.
It’s absolutely not her fault that your father and stepmother are awful, but it’s crossing a boundary to assert that she wants to be involved in something that has been passed down through the female generations of your mother’s family – a family that she is not a member of.
I would get it if it came from your father’s side, but you literally owe her nothing in this scenario.
She, your father, and the rest of your family are being incredibly inappropriate and gross by trying to pressure/guilt you into letting her have access to something that has never involved her in any shape, way, or form and absolutely doesn’t hold any sentimental value to her.” TypicalHall1811
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s not your mother’s, grandmother’s, or great-great-grandmother’s family. And that’s the matrilineal line that’s important here. She didn’t know them, they didn’t know her. So they never cooked the family recipes for her and never intended for her to learn them.
That’s yours, and you don’t have to share.
That said, your half-sister is being manipulated by her parents. That’s cruel to both of you, as they know what this book means to you and want to take that away from you.
They know that by keeping it private, they’re forcing you to hurt their daughter. Which means that they are 100% responsible for the whole mess.
I would highly advise that you ask your mom’s siblings to hold onto the cookbook and any other treasures from your mom for you until you are able to move out.
We read far too many instances of these items being destroyed by jealous step and half sibs on this sub, and your parents are absolutely creating a situation where this could happen to you. Bonus: if it’s not at home, you can’t share it.
Argument solved. The cookbook will be there for you when you’re ready.” Cryptographer_Alone
6. AITJ For Not Wanting My Son To Have A Nickname?
“So my (36F) 8-year-old son’s name is Michael – there isn’t a ton of history in my family regarding the name or anything, I just liked the way it sounded when I was picking out baby names when I was pregnant.
As he’s been getting older, other people have started to call him ‘Mike’, but I don’t like it, so I try to correct people whenever I can. For the record, I’ve asked Michael about this, and he said he doesn’t really care.
I went to a parent-teacher conference recently, and the teacher kept referring to him as ‘Mike,’ even after I’d corrected him at the beginning of the meeting. I was complaining to my partner about it, who didn’t think it was a big deal, but I wasn’t happy that my wishes were basically being ignored. My partner then said it was ridiculous to insist on Michael never going by a nickname his entire life, and that it’s a losing battle.
I said it would be nice to have some support from him on this, and he looked at me like I was crazy… I told him I wasn’t going to back down on this, and that if he were more open to correcting people too, then it would be more likely to stick.
He said I’m being overdramatic, and that I can’t control what other people do. I got upset with him, and we agreed to stop talking about it and collect our thoughts before discussing it again at a later point so things wouldn’t escalate into a fight.
Some of my friends also think I’m being a controlling jerk, while others are saying that my partner is being really unsupportive. I understand that my partner thinks this is a trivial thing, but in some ways that upset me even more, as I would hope he would be able to see that this is something that matters to me and would be willing to have my back.
AITJ for insisting that my son not be called by a nickname?”
Another User Comments:
“You are being overdramatic – YTJ.
You chose to give your son a name that has a very normal and very common shortened version. Mike isn’t really a ‘nickname’.
They’re not calling him Bubba or Jeeter or Smalls or whatever. His name is Michael, they’re calling him Mike. Like a Christopher being called Chris or a Susan being called Sue.
If HE cared about being Mike that would be one thing.
But he says he doesn’t care. If you want to introduce him as Michael, correct someone once if they call him Mike and just say, ‘Oh, it’s Michael,’ that’s fine. Thinking that this is somehow going to keep him from being called Mike by most people for his entire life and being upset about it?
Naaaah. Get over it.” tracygee
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you’re ignoring something important here: how difficult you’re making your son’s life. You already ignored him saying he doesn’t care, are you gonna keep going around getting mad at everyone in his life that chooses to be affectionate with him by calling him by a nickname?
You named him Michael, did it not occur to you that this would happen? Now he’s the kid whose mom keeps getting mad about a common nickname that’s not even offensive or anything. I can’t imagine how awkward things have and could get for him if you continue.
Stop.” SnooRabbits5620
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your son is old enough to speak up if he wants to be called Michael instead of Mike. He doesn’t care. Don’t choose this hill to die on. It’s a waste of your time and energy.
You’re clinging to something you liked when you were pregnant, but it’s his life now, not yours.
My BIL’s mom calls him Christopher. Every single person in his life calls him Chris. He calls himself Chris. He’s Chris to every person except his mom.
It’s not a big deal. Don’t make it one.” tah4349
5. AITJ For Ruining My Son's Sister's First Birthday?
“My ex’s new wife called me three weeks ago and said that she’d just realized her daughter’s birthday was on my week.
She asked me to please bring my son to the party or drop him off the night before and they’d bring him back the next morning. She was very entitled about it. She presented me with two ‘options’ when I don’t have to do either.
I said I would think about it and she got huffy and said he has to be at his little sister’s party.
I again said I would think about it and she continued to argue, so I hung up. The day before the party I asked my son ‘Do you want to go to (sister’s name)’s birthday party?’ He said he did so I texted her to tell her we would be there and asked her about the time of the party.
She told me it was at noon. So we got there at 12:30 and there were no other cars, which was weird. When we went inside, my ex said he needed to talk to me, and I said that wasn’t necessary and asked where the party guests were.
He said he needed to prepare me before I saw his wife. I said, ‘Why, is she pregnant or something?’ He said she was and I just rolled my eyes. I again asked where the party guests were. He said the party was at 2:00, but they wanted to make sure I had time to put me together before the party.
I told him he needed to quit the soap opera drama because I don’t have time for it. I took time out of my day to accommodate them, but they blew it. I’m not hanging out with them in an empty house for over an hour, and I’m not wasting gas to leave and come back.
I took my son to the park and we had a nice day, but my ex texted me a bunch about how I was punishing his daughter for the pregnancy. (I don’t care that his wife is pregnant.) My only response was a text that said ‘Grow up.’ My son asked about his sister’s birthday, and I said there was a mix-up with the party time (which is true) and they would all celebrate together when he was at his dad’s, so he was chill.
My mom said I hurt the birthday girl, but she’s one. She’s not going to notice who is at her party.
My mom told me to be the bigger person, but I feel there is a limit to that. I’m not going to reward lying and trickery in my ex anymore than I would reward it if my six-year-old did it.
Am I the jerk for leaving and not coming back?”
Another User Comments:
“So wait your ex intentionally kept the actual time from you so you would show up early. And all that just so he can tell you about the pregnancy in person and give you time to ‘put yourself together’ afterward as if it’s some life-shattering news to you?
God no NTJ. He really seems to love drama. I would like to know what kinda reaction they wanted. You sobbing on the floor while they can be the bigger person and comfort you? And later they will tell everyone how hard it hit you and how nice they are for being there for you?
Whatever weird kinda dream they had about this obv did not work. They could have been normal and told you the actual time. It was already nice of you to bring your son. I would have told them they can drive if they want him to join during your time.” flyingdemoncat
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I don’t support lying to get your way, especially when the excuse of it is something as superficial and passive-aggressive as ‘putting yourself together’. But your son obviously wanted to go, and while I don’t know how much gas you actually had to waste, you could have taken your son to a park for a little bit before the party and driven back, or you could have wasted some time at a store while your son was at the party.
You could have even just stayed in the house and hung out with your son while you waited for the guests. It was only an hour and a half.
Things that didn’t matter in the outcome of your story: the entitlement of demanding your son be present for an event on your week.
You asked your son, and he said he wanted to go, you didn’t have to accommodate this, but you did. You then arrive 30 minutes later than when they told you the party was going to start, so it’s not like you’re doing your best not to make waves either.
And it shouldn’t matter if the wife is pregnant. The eye-rolling is super judgmental though.
Here’s the truth: You didn’t hurt the 1-year-old. You hurt your son. You both need to learn to co-parent better.” kitfromoh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They weren’t honest with you. Your ex could have called you to tell you about the new pregnancy. They didn’t need to trick you ahead of time. It was kind of you to show up with your child on your own parenting time.
Next time you speak with them let them know they need to be honest with you or you will never be flexible with your own parenting time again. If you don’t make a clear boundary they will do this more especially if they’re making more children.
They’ll want to do more family parties, and more vacations when it may be on your time. It would be nice if you could both be flexible with each other – but honesty and open communication are key here. They have to play ball too for it to work.
Good luck OP. Co parenting is not easy!” DoraTheUrbanExplorer
4. AITJ For Pointing Out That What My Coworker Did Was Bad?
“I work in a PR firm with someone I’ve known since school. I’ll call him Bob (apologies for the pronoun error in the title). I’d say we get on quite well, even though we’ve had very different life experiences (his family is multimillionaires working in art and mine come from a council estate).
I’ve been trusted to project manage successfully before but this year they wanted to let Bob project manage a project on a kind of trial basis because they want to move me to a higher position soon so want to see if Bob is capable of taking over my job.
Most of our projects involve four parts. I’ll call them A, B, C and D. Bob is great at managing B. But I’ve had complaints from people working on A, C, and D that they have had no communication from Bob during all projects.
I brought this up with my manager who noted it and told me to leave it as they knew Bob would run to rely on me to sort it out if I brought it up. It’s a fairly low-risk project, so it’s why they feel comfortable using it to assess Bob.
Earlier today, I find out that all of B is perfectly planned to be delivered on time for the end of work week, but that C isn’t planned at all. In any way. To the point where people working on C were scrambling on overtime trying to make up for B’s lack of planning.
I went to Bob to tell him that his C team was struggling and Bob brushed it off.
I pointed to Bob that what was going on was bad, and Bob lashed out on a rant saying that I shouldn’t say any of this as it wasn’t a matter of life or death and that I was being toxic by creating stress for no reason.
At that moment I chose to dip out and leave them with their thoughts but AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were told to leave it. However, Bob’s negligence affected the C team in a way that left your colleagues struggling and scrambling on overtime.
I actually find it forgivable and even refreshing that you spoke up. Advocating for others is a hallmark of leadership. When something isn’t right, saying nothing just seems morally wrong. I’ve been in a similar situation and must say that some people will attempt to paint you as a villain for ‘rocking the boat’ or as Bob manipulatively said ‘being toxic by creating stress’.
Those are people who often are content with doing the bare minimum. Sounds like Bob wants to set the bar pretty low. He needs to grow up and learn how to face fair criticism. It’s called accountability.” y2kmama
Another User Comments:
“YTJ only because you can’t hold him up his whole career. They wanted to see what he could do on his own. He couldn’t do it on his own. This is his test and you tried to give him flash cards.
He’s failing and in order the learn sometimes people have to fail. He isn’t ready for that position and you shouldn’t have tried to help him sneak his way into it. You can’t stop other people’s karma, and you can’t take other people’s tests.” Physical-Spot-192
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but a teeny bit YTJ. Your boss told you to stay out of it. See they want to assess Bob’s capability, and by stepping in you’ve scaffolded Bob. And Bob’s annoyed because he wants to prove himself (even if he’s failing while he does that).
In any NORMAL work situation what you’ve done is perfectly normal, but this isn’t normal, this is an assessment, and you have interfered with it.
It’s also going to be an assessment of YOU… whether you will be able to fill the next boots up.
Yes, that means you should give Bob a heads up, but probably not hold him up without checking in with your boss. It will be interesting to see what happens when all the pieces clash and fail to deliver… will Bob blame you?
Will your current manager ask you to step in? Will you be able to get promoted if Bob fails? Do you want the promotion if you have to do your own work plus forever scaffold Bob? Only The Office can answer this.” Particular-Try5584
3. WIBTJ If I Report A Homeless Couple?
“My spouse (27M) and I (30F) bought our first home just over a year ago.
We were relocating from a big city and were unable to tour the home in person. We entrusted our parents and our realtor to do so and we ‘toured’ via FaceTime. Our house is in a perfect location. It’s in a walkable neighborhood (in a non-walkable city) close to downtown.
There’s a nice mix of residential homes and businesses. One of the things we liked about the location of the house is there are no neighbors behind or to the left of the house. The empty lot behind us is owned by one of the businesses close by and the lot to the left is owned by the city.
A few months after the move, we learned there was a homeless man who slept in the empty lot to the left of us. He slept on a mattress under a tree on the other side of our fence. This didn’t bother us.
Again, we’re from a big city and my spouse also works in housing and is sensitive to the issues of homeless people. This homeless man also wasn’t there all the time, maybe 2-3x per week, and mainly at night for sleep.
We’d also see him around the neighborhood and have sparked up a couple of conversations. During the winter, he vacated the space and a new couple took the spot. They’re there all the time and they live in a tent.
We do spend a lot of time in our backyard because of our toddler and our energetic puppy. Often, we have conversations around upcoming plans, etc. Because of the proximity to our home/fence, they are within earshot of our conversations.
Even if they couldn’t hear our conversation, being so close to our home they’re able to pick up on patterns of when we’re home or not. We have a trip coming up and we’ll be away for a week and a half.
I’m starting to feel a bit nervous about being away from our house for fear something could happen while we’re gone. My husband thinks we should leave them alone, but I can’t shake the feeling. We’re not able to agree on what to do.
WIBTJ if I called the city on this couple?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. These are valid concerns. This is not the same as having a next-door neighbor with a vested financial interest in the neighborhood who knows when you come and go.
These are random people, likely trespassing depending on the ownership of that lot, with almost nothing to lose. It would be very easy for them to disappear with whatever they take if they actually wanted to rob you. And honestly, a little advice from someone who lives in a city with an overwhelming homeless problem – I would have the lot cleared either way.
The fact that a new couple took the other guy’s spot suggests that people feel comfortable camping out there. This is not something you want to encourage. We’re going through this right now. The old tenant on our side of the duplex used to let people hang out on the porch and even put a free food box out.
Now we’re constantly having to chase junkies off the property. Literally caught one guy shooting up and one guy lighting a crack pipe within a week of each other.
Like it or not, there are huge problems with illegal substances and mental health in the homeless community.
These are not problems you want to be plopped on your doorstep, especially with young kids around.” MourningCocktails
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ
If you had no problem with the homeless man, why does the homeless couple bother you? Unless they gave you specific reasons to be nervous, such as you’ve seen them trying to break into someone’s car or know they have substance problems, you’re being very much a jerk here.
If you are close to your neighbors, let them know and they can keep an eye on your house.
Otherwise, just lock everything up and do not post about your upcoming vacation on social media, particularly if it’s publicly viewable.
That is what thieves look for.
Odds are the very last thing the homeless couple wants to do is cause trouble. Again, unless you have specific reasons to believe otherwise.” bmyst70
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
No matter what anyone else says, the people who are squatting on the lot next door may not be trustworthy.
None of us know their circumstances.
The lot is owned by someone. They do not have a right to use it. If your community has anti-vagrancy laws, and many do, then the police may trespass the people from the lot next door and tell them to move along.
Simply put, our society does not allow people to set up camps on land they do not own.
I strongly recommend you put up cameras at your own home and make sure someone will come and check on it regularly for you.
If you don’t have a friend or family who can stay there daily, or at least come and check on it daily, then please see if your local police offer it as a service. MANY of them do. They would rather drive by, stop and do a walk around, a couple of times a day, than have you come home to a house that was broken into while you were gone.
Plus, if someone DOES break in and even tries to claim they live there, by you registering with the police that you will be gone for 10 days to 2 weeks, there will be no question, anyone who breaks in will simply be arrested. You won’t have to go through the issue of evicting them.
Sadly, it has happened, and more than once.” Algebralovr
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ
I understand your concerns as a homeowner – wanting to ensure that your property is safe while you are gone is reasonable. However, as this couple has not actually done anything to bother you or threaten your property or family, I hope you will choose another option than to get the police involved in those people’s lives.
Get cameras on your property that you can check remotely or consider having someone check your home and do things like taking in the mail and watering plants or something.
We don’t know what police/city involvement means to those people and their situation and what kind of consequences your actions will have on their lives.
Even if they haven’t done anything wrong (other than not having a house in today’s economy if you consider that a crime), police involvement rarely has a positive effect on homeless people.
How would you feel if your neighbors called the cops on you every time they went on vacation?
How would you feel if the cops told you to leave your bed and not come back?” UrsaPantalones
2. AITJ For Mansplaining To My Niece?
“I work in a field that operates very closely with the field of Law.
My degree is a dual degree in law + business and I work with actual lawyers and deal with legality issues on a daily basis.
Also, because of the classes I took in Uni, and the friend circles I ran in, I know many lawyers all over the legal profession, including guys in the prosecutor’s office, divorce attorneys, corporate lawyers(whom I work with), and so on and so forth.
Recently there was a family dinner and my niece was talking about Uni subject options for next year. I really struggled to choose between Biosciences, Psychology, Business, and Law, so I was really interested in what she was gonna choose.
She said she was struggling between doing Biosciences and then grad entry medicine, or Law. I literally struggled with the exact same issue, I didn’t get the grades for undergrad medicine, by the way, and neither did she, if that’s relevant, I don’t think it is tho.
One thing that I got concerned over though is how she thinks the legal profession works. She was talking about how cool it is to tackle super unique cases every day and how she would love earning massive amounts of funds while doing it.
She mentioned that she basically thought it was like Suits but a bit less cinematic. This is where I stepped in and explained how the legal field really works, and basically the pros and cons of working in it.
The minute I start talking about the cons though, after the pros obviously, my sister begins glaring at me, and I basically broke the concept that lawyers work super unique, on the feet, exciting cases all the time, they typically are specialized so they deal in the same kind of case, not that that is boring btw.
They mostly spend their time reading through contracts or drafting them in the corporate field (which is what is in suits).
The amount of time they spend at trial is ridiculously short compared to how long they spend preparing for it, but also ridiculously long too, as trials can last months.
Basically, my niece then starts screaming at me how she knows more about the legal profession than I do and I don’t know anything about law, and how I’m trying to mansplain her own profession to her, even though she’s never worked or met a lawyer before.
I decided it was best to just leave, I no longer stay in places I’m yelled at anymore. My sister called me and told me I had no right to explain something I have no idea about, and that I was a typical man trying to tear down a young girl’s dream of being a powerful woman in a high-level profession.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your niece, as many young (and even older) people do, seems to be confusing the popular narratives of the practice of law with the actual reality of it.
Dreams and fancies are wonderful things, but they seldom constitute a sound map of reality, and using them to navigate one’s future will more often than not lead to rude awakenings, and the regret of having wasted long years in the pursuit of a fantasy.
Your words were, all things considered, a gentler jolt to consciousness than many she would have received in other places and times. Of course, this doesn’t mean she will be grateful for this polite tarnishing of her dreams, and her choice to cloak her discomfort in the language of oppression is her prerogative, as myopic as it may be.
You’ve said your piece, and now she can choose to take up the task to prove you wrong with actions and accomplishments or she can let your words be an early epitaph to her fantastical career as a law practitioner.” DreadBeastofXhutal
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I’m not saying you were malicious about it, but in this type of situation where someone is sharing their hopes for the future it’s wise to ask if they would like you to share your knowledge based on your experience.
Or offer to set her up a lunch with a couple of your lawyer colleagues so she can pick their brains on the profession.
Whether it was your intent or not, she has likely had these types of “cons” thrown at her in many a mansplainer-type situation before and is over it, especially from someone close to her that should be encouraging.
You may know many lawyers and have a good idea of what their day-to-day professional lives look like, but you are not one. And to the young person who has hopes and dreams for the future, who already acknowledged that Suits was a cinematic version of events, your commentary comes across as obtuse at best, mansplaining and doubt at worst.” Next-Cry-5932
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
You were simply offering your experience and insight for consideration and provided your niece with a pretty good overview of how the legal field/profession actually is in terms of excitement. The legal world can be pretty repetitive and can definitely seem dull when compared to movies and shows.
As a woman currently working at a law firm and in her first year of law school, I have come to learn how repetitive legal stuff can be on my own accord. While I did not expect excitement or for legal stuff to be like the movies, it would have been nice to have been advised of the realities of the field beforehand.
You were not mansplaining at all, and it frankly seems like that term was just thrown at you because your sister and niece didn’t like you bursting her bubble.
In my opinion, ‘trying to tear down a young girl’s dream’ by spitting facts and sharing actual insight is way better than said young girl pursuing an education/career solely based on a grossly inaccurate fantasy (and subsequently having a rude wake-up call when the reality is not easy breezy and full of motivational musical montages).” DLP696969
Another User Comments:
“‘I know many lawyers all over the legal profession, including guys in the prosecutor’s office, divorce attorneys, corporate lawyers (whom I work with), and so on and so forth.’
What you described didn’t sound particularly terrible, although there’s nothing a teen is going to tune out faster than a pompous relative telling her she’s wrong.
But this quote is a bit of a tell on the ‘mansplaining’ aspect, yes? You only know ‘guys’ in the legal profession, not any women?
Your niece is in for the usual crash when people graduate and discover how hard adulting actually is and how little it resembles television.
Or their ‘dreams,’ for that matter. She isn’t going to listen to you or probably anyone else, so really, unless you’re asked directly, I wouldn’t say anything.
On the other hand, her screaming at you is alarmingly immature and your sister calling you after the fact to scream at you is worse.
She’s officially an adult.
Everyone sucks here.” NoreastNorwest
1. AITJ For Throwing A Bag Of Dog Poop Into The Street?
“My wife (33F) and I (33M) recently moved into a townhouse in a new neighborhood about half a year ago. Every week, we move our trash containers to the street for trash removal on the assigned day and then return the containers to our yard afterward.
However, in 3 of these instances, I noticed a bag of poop (probably from a dog) in the bottom of our freshly emptied trash container (we don’t own a pet). The first 2 times, I disposed of the bag in our next week’s trash pickup.
But the third time, I dumped the bag out onto the street while emptying the container of standing water (it had been raining with the lid open). When the bag came out, I used a shovel to chuck the bag into the middle of the road.
My reasoning is that whoever put the bag of poop into our empty private trash container without our permission didn’t put it into a valid public trash container, so I assisted the bag to get to its final destination (the public street) as if my trash container didn’t exist; I don’t believe it’s my responsibility to properly dispose of someone else’s pet poop.
My wife told me that I am littering, but I countered by saying that the poop bag thrower is the litterer because they didn’t dispose of their waste in a proper receptacle and instead trespassed by disposing of it in our private, freshly emptied trash containers, which were on the public street for disposal day.
I plan to try to find out who is the poop bag thrower in the near future and ask them to not throw their waste in our trash container but will continue to chuck their improperly disposed poop bag into the street in the meantime.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
The person who threw the poop in your trash was annoying (which is why I don’t throw poop bags in private trash cans even though there’s only one public trash on my 5-mile route) but I can’t imagine being so a**l about my literal trash can that I a) look into it at all and b) subsequently reach into it and pull out a baggy of poop to throw it into the road.
Also your logic about ‘if my trash can wasn’t here they would have tossed it in the street anyway’ is asinine. They would not have done so. They would have held onto it until they found a different trash can.
Trust me. If they were gonna leave poop on the street, they would have just left poop on the street.
Put a sign on it I guess. Seems like a weird hill to die on. Does it cost you additional funds for one solitary baggy of poop?” chaosandpuppies
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
As annoying as it is to pay for someone else’s trash. In the end, does it matter that much in the grand scheme of things to leave the poop bags in the trash can?
It doesn’t take up too much space and the moment you put your trash bags in it, you won’t even see it anymore. It’s a non-issue but the moment you put it in the middle of the street, you make it an issue.
You are littering in YOUR OWN neighborhood. And it can get run over.
‘But the principal!’
Really? It’s not that big of a deal. And now you’re the jerk who litters the neighborhood. You are now way worse than the person who used your trash can.” eikenella415
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You actually don’t own those trash cans. They are the property of the city or the trash company listed on them and when on the curb are considered public property. That’s why the cops can search your trash without a warrant.
You don’t own those cans. Look it up if you don’t believe me.
You littered. The dog owner put the bag into a proper trash can by the road. That’s actually legal to do believe it or not. It’s crappy and looked down upon sure, but isn’t illegal. What you did, tossing the bag into the road is illegal and can get you fined if a cop sees that behavior.
Do better.
Ask yourself would you rather find it in your can or on the bottom of your feet, or worse on your kid?” depressivedarling
