People Try To Stay Cordial In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
19. AITJ For Cutting Ties With My Dad After He Chose My Stepsister's Event Over My Graduation?
“I’m (18m) graduating high school at the end of this month.
My dad dropped the bomb on me two nights ago that his stepdaughter (14f) has an award ceremony for some competition she entered and won in another state on that same day and she wants him to be there. He told me he couldn’t possibly make it to both and since his wife and their children together will be going, he needs to be there too.
He told me he would make it up to me and we could celebrate another time.
I still live with him (not for much longer). My mom died when I was 7 and my dad got married again when I was 11 or 12. It’s been a few years anyway.
His stepdaughter never knew her bio dad, so my dad has accepted her as his own. And he has prioritized her a lot in the last 5/6 years. It doesn’t always show in the most obvious ways but it can be felt. Father/son time was put on an indefinite hiatus and instead, dad told me we needed to include her in our time together but he also spent time with just her for father/daughter time.
I brought it up to my dad and he told me I wasn’t exactly making an effort to be closer to her so he wanted us all to bond and didn’t want me to just focus on my relationship with him.
He has attended her dance things instead of my basketball games if they’re on at the same time.
It doesn’t matter if mine was known about first, he will still skip my stuff to go to hers.
He will take us on family days and whenever he and his wife say “Kids can choose” he picks her choices over mine. He claims it’s because they will be the most fun for everyone but really, he even says it afterward, anything his little princess wants.
Our refrigerator and our shower broke at the same time. His stepdaughter’s birthday was coming up so he took money from my birthday fund to pay for that stuff so his stepdaughter would get what she wanted (this Barbie house thing and a whole fashion set and they were I think dad said $250).
He didn’t get all the money back by the time my birthday came around so instead he bought me a $30 gift card for Steam when he had promised me a new monitor and keyboard for my computer (that was a gift from my grandparents).
When my dad told me he wouldn’t be at my graduation to go and support her, I told him there was no making up for that and he could forget about being included in my life going forward.
He told me he would make it up to me and I told him I would always come second to his little princess and I’m not going to be okay with that. I told him he’d discarded me for the last time. Dad begged me to be reasonable but I walked away.
Then I invited both sets of grandparents who agreed to come. His wife told me I could have come with them and I didn’t need to attend the ceremony but could support “my sister”. I said her daughter’s not my sister and I do not want to support their family anymore and I will be out of their hair soon.
She called me selfish and told me I couldn’t deny her daughter a dad.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your father’s wife felt your best option was to miss your graduation to support her child. That’s the way to make you feel included in a family.
(this is sarcasm by the way) Two children, two events, two parents- that is one parent per event. There may be a reason for your Dad to go to another event if say wife is scared to drive. But then she should be supporting you if ahead bothered to build that relationship.
You’re right. Your Dad has too much to make up for and no history of doing it. Edit: Ask your Dad’s wife why it is OK to deny you any parent at all so her daughter can have two.” Timely_Egg_6827
Another User Comments:
“I agree with you.
There is no coming back from this. What other milestones does your father plan on missing for you? Wedding? Grandchildren? It’s better to cut your losses as soon as you’re able to and move on to avoid other disappointing moments down the road. You are wise to catch this now instead of pushing it down.
HS graduation can also be your liberation party. NTJ.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Run when you graduate and remember this in a few years when you get married and have kids, ’cause they always want back in your life at that point. Hopefully, your grandparents will take you in.
You weren’t a priority to him, return the favor. Move out and block him.” [deleted]
18. AITJ For Wanting To Use The Car I Bought For My Mom?
“For a long time, I was making a pretty nice salary and my mom wasn’t. My mom is used to having nice things and I could tell she was a bit down in general for a while as she wasn’t making much of a salary and didn’t like many aspects of her life, including the old car she was driving.
She kept talking about wanting to buy a nice car since we relocated, and I wasn’t comfortable with it until I decided I wanted to do something to make her happy.
It wasn’t a smart financial decision I know, but I’m kind of used to just doing everything that she asks also.
I ended up spending everything I had left in my savings (60k or so) on this car. I’m in my mid-twenties by the way.
This was about a year ago. 8 months ago, some very intense circumstances arose that led to her moving away back to where we were originally living (a different country).
She got a great job finally, and I learned that she bought another nice car.
I initially said the car was a gift, but she several times said she’d pay me when she had the money (I think this came less from a nice place and more from a place of possessiveness and not wanting me to feel like I have any right to the car).
She also kept encouraging me to buy it, making it feel like it was a “we” thing and this would be a nice purchase for “us”. Regardless, she said she’d pay me when she can, and for this reason views the car as entirely hers (and as if I loaned her the money), but she hasn’t paid me.
I’ve also paid to renew the car insurance just now along with some other minor maintenance.
So here’s the thing:
She’s moved countries and has just left the car here. I’ve asked her multiple times what she wants to do with it, as it pains me to just see it abandoned and neglected in the parking lot when I spent so much of my money on it.
She responds that she “likes it and wants it” even though she’s not coming back/doesn’t know if and when she’s coming back. She doesn’t want to sell it either, and the thing that has been getting to me is that she said she “forbids me to touch it”.
I’m at the point where I want to drive the car (as my primary car), seeing as it’s just sitting there unused. I love cars, have a much much worse car than the one I bought her, and consequently have no money to afford to buy myself something nice at this point.
I’ve asked her about it and she said she doesn’t want me using it especially not if I have another car already (I don’t see why this is relevant to her, but she’s making it sound like I should sell my car if I want to use hers).
I feel like she’s being extremely selfish in how possessive and unwilling she is to share, considering she hasn’t paid a dime for it, and I’m on the verge of telling her I’m taking it back and that it’s mine since me asking to simply use it resulted in such backlash.
She’s making payments on a new car and not paying me for this one. I feel taken for granted and taken advantage of. When I brought this up to her after she forbade me from touching it, she said she’d start paying me monthly or that I could take the car but I’d lose her forever”.
Even if she were to pay me monthly, this whole ordeal has messed with my financial stability and she knows that. AITJ for telling her I want to use it/ wanting to take it back entirely?
I’ve also paid off her mortgage of almost 100k, and have paid for so many things for her since I started working.
I’d have a house of my own now if not for supporting her, but have not even a half year’s salary left from over 4 years of work. She claims I’ve never done anything for her, or that whatever I have done, she’s done much more for me throughout my life.
Maybe this can shed some more light on why I feel so tired of this already. Feels thankless.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You said the car is under your name “because it had to be for tax purposes,” so it is YOUR car. There is no taking it back, it already belongs to you.
Start driving it or, even better, sell it. Your mother sounds extremely manipulative and is someone who puts her love of material things above family members–now it’s time for her to see how that feels. If she says you’ve lost her forever as a result of taking the car, the only response needed is “Thanks!” JeepersCreepers74
Another User Comments:
“NTJ has taken “mom guilt” to a whole new level of manipulation. She convinced you to spend your entire savings on something she didn’t need, and now that you’re in need, she isn’t willing to return the favor. Especially with the threat of cutting you out of her life if you sell the car!?!
Realistically, would she have any idea if you sold that car or sold your older car and just used that one? It’s time for you to be the adult. Tell her she’s being unreasonable, sell your car, and take back YOUR newer car. If she cuts you out of her life for this, it’s her loss.
She may be upset for a while, but she’ll get over it. This is the line you draw. If not, you better start saving up for her new house when she gets tired of where she lives now.” Treefiddyfor350
17. AITJ For Wanting My Mom To Play A Bigger Role Than My Stepdad At My Wedding?
“I (27f) asked my mom if she would fill a more active mother-of-the-bride role at my wedding which includes walking me down the aisle and doing a mother/daughter dance with me at the reception.
When I asked I told her how out of everyone in my life, she was there, always. She was there when I was born and learning to walk and talk. She was there when dad died and I was so sad and afraid that she let me sleep in her bed for close to two years.
She put me first when she held off on seeing other people for a whole two years because she knew I wasn’t ready. She was there for me when she asked me what I thought of the man she would marry when I was 10 and when she assured me I didn’t have to call him dad.
She was there when I struggled in school when I was being relentlessly bullied, and when I was ill. She was there. She loved me. She supported me. She gave me all her love and affection and made sure that losing my dad didn’t mean I could no longer have a good life.
She taught me so much and I love her more than words can express.
My mom cried and said yes. She was a mess for the rest of the day and she even broke down at work the very next day and sobbed her heart out with joy.
We’ve since planned everything about this special role of hers and she’s even going to have some details of her dress match mine.
My stepdad, who came into my life and married my mom when I was 10, asked if he’d like to do a toast during the wedding and dance with my mom in a special little dance alongside my fiancé’s parents.
Originally he said yes. But then afterward he quizzed my mom on what we were doing and he became upset that he wasn’t more involved in the wedding and getting a bigger spot. He told me he considers me his youngest (he has three kids from before he met my mom who was grown when he and my mom married so they’re strangers to me) and he would have thought I considered him a second dad.
I told him I appreciated all he had done for us but my mom had always been there for me and it was her I wanted with me for my wedding because she has been with me always.
He didn’t like it and he and my mom got into a fight over it.
Mom spent a couple of nights with my fiancé and me. My stepdad told me he wasn’t feeling like one of my parents. And I don’t consider him my parent. But I didn’t want to be a jerk to him either. Then my mom’s parents got involved and they asked why I needed just my mom and not both.
My stepdad said not being offered more made him feel like he wasn’t wanted at the wedding at all. He complained that he wasn’t even paying for the wedding like a typical father of the bride would. He pointed out that I was going traditional enough to walk and dance with a parent but away from tradition by asking Mom instead of him.
He also expressed that anything I offer after this would feel shallow and like I’m throwing him a bone instead of wanting him there.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s *your* wedding. Unfortunately, he’s not being supportive of either of you. It sounds like you’ve got a really beautiful plan for honoring your relationship with your mom and that is so beautiful!
Theoretically, it’s okay for him to be *a little upset* BUT he should be putting that aside to be supportive of you and your mom, especially considering how much the two of you have been through. But hey, if he doesn’t want you to offer him anything else either, then I wouldn’t.” freerange_chicken
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Toxic patriarchy right there. He is not your parent. You and your mother are extremely close. How does he not recognize this given the relationship with your mother? Is he just not aware of the conversations with your mother and her reassurance that he did not have to be a second dad for you?
Point out that YOUR wedding is not about him. YOUR mother is who you want to have special moments with. Also, the fact that your mother had to stay with you after he found out is extremely worrying. That right there would be enough for me to let him know that since he has disrespected you and more importantly your mother, he will not be invited or allowed at the wedding, as he has shown he does not care about you and your family.
Your mother’s parents also need to be sat down and you can explain to them why you are doing things your way, and they have no say in what YOUR wedding will be.” HistoricalInaccurate
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At all. I’m a stepparent and have been in my kids’ lives since before they even remember, they consider me a fully equal third parent… And also if at any point that changes, or they exclude me from things, so what?!
My role as a step is to love and support them where they are, who they are, no matter what. It isn’t my place to get upset over petty things like, I dunno, the fact that I AM a stepparent. NTJ. I’m so sorry he’s hurting your mother and you this way.” Key_Balance_5537
16. AITJ For Posting A Mother's Day Tribute To My MIL And Upsetting My SIL And Estranged Mother?
“I (26f) have the best MIL in the world. I’ll never be able to say otherwise. From the time I met MIL when I was 17 and I was just my husband’s partner, she has been warm kind, and nurturing and she embraced me as part of her son’s life and part of her family from the get-go.
When my husband and I were in college she would send me care packages and when I came home with him for the holidays she would make sure to have my favorite treats on hand. When we got engaged she hugged me before she hugged him.
She went wedding dress shopping with me and was there to stand up for me when my own family was… not kind. Having her there made the whole thing less upsetting. She and my FIL were amazing during our wedding and comforted me when I cried because I made the decision not to invite my own family for the reasons of not being kind to me ever and giving me a pretty rough childhood.
MIL was great when my husband and I became parents and she brought over so much food, all my favorite things, and she was a great source of advice.
I could talk for hours about how much my husband’s family means to me but MIL hits a little differently for me.
I think it’s partly because I always worried I would get one of the infamous monster in-laws people often vent about. Plus I think my own family had me expecting the absolute worst. I know MIL had that experience herself. My FIL’s parents were awful to her and he had no contact with his family because they refused to be respectful or even civil to her.
All they saw was someone who should cook and clean and push out babies for their son.
Anyway, I’m getting a little carried away, sorry. So a few of my husband’s siblings are also coupled up or married now. The most recent is his oldest brother who got married four months ago.
BIL wife and I are not all that close. I never felt like a problem was there until Mother’s Day.
I posted about MIL first thing Sunday morning. Thanking her for being wonderful, for being the dream granny for my kids (2 and 6 weeks), and for being an amazing MIL who was the closest thing I ever had to a real mom.
MIL gave me the biggest hug when we arrived at ILs house. A few hours later I was alone with BILs wife and she commented that I was so rude for posting about MIL and how I showed the rest of the ILs who have families and moms to post about because none of them are as close to MIL as me.
I told her I did nothing to show her up. BIL heard her and he told his wife to stop and said I did nothing wrong. But she brought it up again right before we all left. I also got an email from my estranged mother on Monday saying I had no right to be so rude and spiteful toward her on social media by writing about MIL instead of her.
BIL reached out to me and apologized for what his wife said. But she reached out and made it clear I had made her and the others look bad. And now I’m feeling all kinds of a mess about this.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Jealousy is ugly.
And that is what the sister-in-law is – Jealous. She doesn’t have the same relationship with MIL and she is green with envy. Ignore her. Just block or put her on mute and ignore. As for your bio mom – she is reaping what she sowed. Mom is jealous.
And embarrassed as who knows what narrative she has put out there about y’all’s relationship. Again block or mute and ignore. You have a wonderful MIL along with a supportive husband and BIL. You are blessed and deserving of this love. Don’t ever let anyone else’s jealousy make you doubt that.
NTJ.” PurpleStar1965
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You’re not responsible for SIL’s insecurities about her relationship with your MIL. No one is stopping SIL from cultivating her relationship with MIL. You expressed how you truly felt about a mother figure in your life and that’s a beautiful thing.
If you need to block SIL for a while then so be it. If she asks why she’s blocked tell her she’s in timeout until she’s done throwing her tantrum. As for your estranged mom, you are estranged for a reason so you don’t necessarily owe her anything.
She is also clearly insecure and jealous of your closeness to your MIL. Again that’s on her. Rather than focusing on MIL, she should be focusing on repairing her relationship with you, if that’s possible. Don’t let others diminish what is a special relationship between you and your MIL.
That’s a them problem, not yours.” ComprehensivePut5569
15. AITJ For Not Wanting My Future MIL At Our Wedding After Her Nasty Behavior?
“My future MIL has said/done nasty things that can’t be forgotten. We went through 2 rough patches and I realized what kind of person she is and how she truly feels about me. Attacking my character, saying I’m a bridezilla, I don’t know what it’s like to work hard and I’ve never had a big girl job (I’m in a doctoral program), and that I force my fiance to spend his money on me.
I was so shocked and hurt (been in the family for 7 years when this all started) that I deleted all of our pics together from my social media. Was it immature? Probably. But I didn’t do this to intentionally hurt her~ more of something I needed to do for me to be emotionally “done”.
Fiancé understood and was supportive of my decision to do this. We got through our rough patches, and I decided to forgive (yet again) for the sake of my fiancé. I told FMIL it would take a long time for me to heal from this.
Months later, they came to visit us. Showed them my school, our fav restaurants & apartment. She threw a crying fit about us being out too long “This was my opportunity to relax from work and I wanted to go to the beach… I didn’t even want to go to lunch!” Just drama, no fun for anyone.
Stepdad tells my fiancé “Just go apologize”. Fiancé said no, I did nothing wrong. Weeks later, I posted recent pics on social media but none of any photos of their visit. She got angry & sent screenshots of my social media telling my fiancé I was “holding a grudge”.
I didn’t feel comfortable posting photos of us after what happened. Fiancé understood/respected that. She texted her fiancé “I’m gonna need half the money I offered for the rehearsal dinner since it’s gonna be expensive to get to the destination anyways”.
She then realized I removed ALL our pics from my social media (the previous year). She told his stepdad & he texted my fiancé saying they are convinced I’m the problem and “if we are not going to be in any photos or posted in any pics, you can go ahead and uninvite us from the wedding and we’ll relay to our side of the family that we don’t plan to attend”.
We gave them what they asked for. This was the third time they used our wedding against us and threatened to not come.
We’ve had no contact since last July. Fiancé received a text from his grandma saying “You are evil for treating your mother this way and none of us will be at your wedding if your mother is not invited”.
Turns out she told everyone that we uninvited them on our own. She’s saying that we “misunderstood them” when we had the text with their request.
It’s 6 months until the wedding, fiance has been blocking flying monkeys left and right. She even texted his birth dad (they never speak) saying “I just want to share my side of the story”.
He didn’t reply. Now that mostly everyone she can use is blocked, she texted his aunt saying “Can you please just ask them to talk with me? I can’t have my son and his family in my life. We’ve all along wanted to be there for their special day and they misunderstood our texts.” AITJ if I put my foot down on them attending the wedding?
Fiancé and I are on the same page but he has said “Of course, I want my family there, I just wish they weren’t such jerks because we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place”.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for feeling that way.
However, that’s a discussion between you and your fiance. It sounds like MIL wasn’t expecting any finding out after the messing around, and is now not sure how to proceed. She hasn’t changed, her behavior won’t improve, she’s just realized she’s lost any control or influence in the situation.
At any attempt they make to claim you misinterpreted their message personally I would just be responding with images of their messages.” OrbitalPete
Another User Comments:
“First, congratulations on having a fiancee who is backing you to the hilt. That’s unfortunately not even close to often being the case in these situations.
But he’s also backing you, because he realizes his family, if you are telling this accurately, has severe mental issues, from the grandmother on down to their pet parakeet. It doesn’t sound like either you or he would be all that bothered by having none of them show up, so make it so!
And, if need be, I would have someone on standby to make sure none of them get into your venue. Give back any money they gave you for the wedding, and turn your back to them.” Impossible-Aioli-983
14. AITJ For Not Letting My Unreliable Father Stay With Us?
“When my siblings and I got old enough, we decided to rent together and split expenses.
The only parent we had any contact with was our father. He does not have his life together. The only thing I can remember him helping us with was maybe a light bill once and that was our late teens going into our twenties and having one of our youngest siblings (YS) stay with him.
But some of us ended up sending him funds on multiple occasions. To fix cars he buys and would say it’s so he can see us more often, I can count on one hand the amount of times he has come to see us over the years.
We always ended up visiting him. To renovate an apartment with a shady landlord with no lease agreement. For food when he didn’t have any. For the internet. I was young and naive and allowed him to put the lights and internet in my name for one place that he ended up losing because he got arrested. I ended up having to pay the balance he left behind.
Always says how he misses us but does not put in any effort to see us. When we do plan something fun and cover his cost, he either forgets or arrives very late. So, we stopped inviting him. He gets arrested again and it’s disappointing especially when we find out it’s for the same old mess.
The shady landlord to my YS who was staying with my dad said that he was not allowed on the property anymore/that they found a replacement for him and was hinting at how soon YS would be able to collect their things and leave.
We made a mad dash to rent a moving truck to pack up all our YS things & get them out to move in with a friend in less than 48 hours. While we are done packing and hopping in the van we get a call from our dad.
He was released and was cracking jokes and downplaying the whole situation.
Once our YS got situated in their new place we tried to get back to our normal life. Still getting calls for funds. At one point he calls one of us hinting that he may have to come stay with us.
He was told that we were not comfortable with that. Our leasing office has a zero policy with what he was arrested for and that could have us evicted if they found out. I also believe in my heart of hearts that he stole from our YS before.
AITJ? I have moments where I feel like I made the right choice. Anytime we have a crisis, we solve it on our own. We didn’t ask him for help because we knew he was not reliable. Then I have moments when I remember him paying for the lights once or driving our moving van when we first got together (we were young and didn’t have experience driving trucks at the time).
But then I remember all the funds that were sent and how we helped him out more monetarily than he has done for us. I’m just tired of feeling like I am responsible for him, but I still have the sadness of him not having his life together.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NOT responsible for him. I could tell you stories of relatives and people I know for clarity, but the bottom line is you have helped him in the past and you can’t do it anymore because it will be to YOUR DETRIMENT.
And people like this DON’T CARE. They will take and take and take until you’re just as miserable and broke as they are.” d4everman
13. AITJ For Refusing To Move My Car From A Community Parking Spot?
“I (19F) am living with my grandparents in a small gated community. They have an overflow of visitors, so to accommodate for parking, they have community spots.
Every few houses there are spots lined with red bricks to identify them as community spots. That said, anyone can park in them, not just visitors.
Today when I arrived home, I noticed that my usual spot was already occupied, so I drove a few houses down to the next community spot.
The owner of the house closest to the spot I was in was waiting to confront me. This woman and I had previous issues over me parking here but never had been uncivil. Right off the bat, she had a very negative tone to her.
She asked if I was parking there all night, and I responded with “Yes ma’am”, trying to be respectful. She asked why I couldn’t park anywhere else. I told her the lots were either full or too far away. She told me I couldn’t park there because it was her spot.
I then pointed to the bricks lining the spot and told her it was for anyone who wanted to park there, and just because it was next to her house didn’t make it her spot. She was getting pretty upset and started yelling. She told me to move, to which I said no. She then demanded that since I didn’t live in the community, I couldn’t park there.
I told her I do live here, and even if I wasn’t a resident, I had every right to park here. She said that if I lived here, I to park in my grandparent’s driveway. My grandmother’s car was in the garage, and she woke up much earlier than I did.
If I parked behind her, I would have to wake up around 5-6 am, instead of my preferred 9 am. While this is the case, I did not explain this to her and just flat-out told her no. She doesn’t need an explanation for my parking in a spot I am allowed to be in.
She was livid at this. She said she would call the parking services and have a word with them about this situation. I told her to go for it and see where that got her. Along with that, I told her she could try to tow my car if she so wanted to.
The woman yelled that she would. I could tell this argument was getting us nowhere, and walked back to my house with her still yelling behind me.
I told my grandparents about what happened and they were pretty upset about her behavior. They had told me that while she was in the wrong, I shouldn’t have gone out of my way to start a conflict with her.
I don’t think I’m wrong just for parking near her house. The other option is to have a walk that’s about twice as far. I will say either walk isn’t far at all to get home, but one is more convenient (along with the fact it’s in the shade at almost any time of the day).
I do get that she is just a bitter old lady who is going to argue just because she thinks she is entitled to what she deems as hers, but I don’t think I should let myself be pushed around by her. Should I have just moved my car and left alone?
I don’t think I am wrong for standing up to myself here?”
Another User Comments:
“Your grandparents are right in regards to you not needing to engage with this woman. They know because they’re speaking from years of experience…either with her or with people just like her.
If you find yourself parking in that same spot again and she is there to confront you, you don’t need to engage with her at all. Just ignore her and walk away. NTJ. But now you know how to handle situations (and people) like this in the future.
Just ignore them and go about your day.” OGBrewSwayne
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but what were your parent’s reasons to avoid this spot? Are they trying to be good neighbors? Do they see themselves as long-term residents and you are a short-term resident? Perhaps the message is, don’t engage with folks who believe they ‘own’ things in the neighborhood that are not their possessions.” DesertSong-LaLa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Speaking from experience of being a younger person within the confines of an over-55 community, some elderly people, not all, mind you, feel that since they have lived to a certain age, they don’t have to be civil to anyone younger than themselves.
They earned the right to say anything they want to anyone they want. Case in point: I was grocery shopping for my father-in-law in “their” grocery store. While waiting in line to check out, an elderly woman forcefully pushed her shopping cart into my ankles from behind.
She was rude and was complaining about how I didn’t belong in their store and to go back to where I belonged. This was no accident. It was intentional. Another incident occurred at the pool where another lovely 80-something-year-old woman told me I wasn’t allowed to swim there.
WRONG. I think their brains start to shrivel up without having normal/regular interaction with the general population and only communicating with others their age. They all complain about the same thing. They don’t want to be inconvenienced or challenged by outsiders. What a miserable existence.” Fit_Airline_1434
12. AITJ For Being Upset With My Mother-In-Law Overstepping Boundaries While Caring For My Husband Post-Surgery?
“AITJ for being upset and my mother-in-law, is just being caring for her only son, or am I justified in feeling that my mother-in-law is crossing the line?
And how should I address this?
My husband (m28) and I (f33) have been married 4.5 years. He had to have minor surgery on his nose.
We discussed that on Saturday and Sunday night, after the surgery, we would stay at my mother-in-law‘s because it’s close to the hospital.
However, while my husband was under anesthesia, my mother-in-law made a big point to say that we had pets and told the doc that four days would be better to stay at her house. The doctor agreed it would be better to prevent any pet fur from getting in the wound due to the stents.
I stated that the pets wouldn’t be in the room with my husband and that it was very clean. Our pets are all indoors and up to date on their shots. Plus my mother-in-law has a dog.
After the surgery, while I was trying to care for him, his mother would constantly step in and not let me take care of him.
For example, I went to help him into the car out of the wheelchair and she ran over, moved me out of the way, put pillows on his lap, buckled him in, and closed the door. Another example: I was walking with him around the room to do a little movement and she called me into the kitchen asking for “her little helper” to do something in the kitchen.
Then she proceeded to walk with him around the room. I finished up in the kitchen and came back to her helping him clean out his nose. I tried to help and she told me to go do something else in the kitchen.
He spent the night at my mother-in-law’s house while I came back home to get a few supplies Sunday night.
He wasn’t supposed to be out in the sun so it made sense for him to come home at night Monday. No cats in our bedroom that evening and I spent Monday cleaning and getting healthy meals ready.
On Monday night he told me he could not come home because the doctor said that he should stay four days away from pet hair that afternoon.
His mom had taken him to the doctor again and didn’t tell me. I had even asked his mom how he was on Monday afternoon and she said he was napping. Turns out the wound wasn’t being cleaned well enough and his nose was completely clogged. (Note: my husband can’t text or talk due to the surgery).
I was upset and worried. Called my husband to tell him our house is always very clean, and I would take care of him, his mom brought it up to the doctor to stay at her house because of my cats for 4 days when originally the doc said 2 days, and that his mom has a dog too.
He said it was just another night and sounded very out of it.
However, I am really upset with this whole situation. I feel like she was using the pets as an excuse for him to stay at her house so she can take care of him, especially because when I try to take care of him she gives me stuff to do and takes advantage of him being out of it from medication.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’m guessing this isn’t the first instance of her overstepping. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the time to assert boundaries because your husband has to be the one to do it (because she’s his mom) and he just had surgery. Going forward, you need to talk to your husband about how things should be in the future with you two as a united front.
Unless he disagrees with you about how things should be. If so, you have a much bigger problem.” SoMuchMoreEagle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If my lover’s parents did this I would be also angry with them plus if it was a reoccurring thing I would be upset as well.
She means all well and such but she is showing you she doesn’t need your help is what it sounds like and you don’t have to be there which is messed up and she even makes you busy around the house so she can help him.
I understand that it’s his mom and such but still, his mother should take into consideration that you’re there to help him get better as well. I do hope your partner will get better and such I’m sorry his mother is treating you this way” BeastAmazonian1.
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here – have you asked your husband what he wants? This fight to take care of him is ridiculous. It should be his choice. Maybe he does feel more comfortable being closer to the hospital whilst healing. Maybe he’s more comfortable to stay there until he’s less out of it.
Please make this about your spouse and not about a contest with his mom. She may be overstepping but what does he want / where is he most comfortable in this moment….” Kami_Sang
11. AITJ For Not Wanting My Fiancé's Ex In Our Home After Roommates Overstayed Their Welcome?
“My fiancé(26m) and I(25f) helped move some friends (a couple the same ages) up from another state to come to live with us a little less than two years ago. They destroyed our apartment with dog urine and poop and after dealing with it for 8 months and being sick daily from all the ammonia, we had to get out of there.
We wanted to buy a house anyway and we found one, but we still had to deal with living with our roommates because they were too poor to get an apartment.
The girl came with us to see the house and said it would be perfect for us and encouraged us to buy it.
She assured us they would just live with us for a couple of months in this very tiny house and then they would get their apartment when they had the money. This house only has one bathroom which takes so long that my fiancé and I have both almost peed ourselves multiple times.
They will be in there for over an hour.
Flash forward 9 months and they didn’t seem to have any plans of leaving whatsoever and they stopped working. So we had a talk with them about their plans and said we’d like to give them another 3 months to figure it out or they’d have to pay a lot more money to be here as, since we thought they’d only be here a couple of months, they were paying hardly anything while taking up half the space.
Well, that talk didn’t go well but things weren’t said about it for a while.
1 month later they told us they’re moving back to the old state by the end of the month.
2 days after that the guy’s roommate mentioned their old roommates coming up to visit and help them move their stuff.
He said their old roommates were “probably gonna stay in a hotel.” Well, one of their old roommates is my fiancé’s ex and neither of us wants her here. This is our house that we bought to start a family in and we don’t want his ex here at all no matter how short of a time it is.
We don’t want to have to see her, deal with her, use our stuff, see where we live, etc.
Well after we heard that, my fiancé talked to the guy’s roommate asking to make sure the ex wasn’t going to be here at our house at all.
The roommate flipped out on my fiancé and called him crazy. He yelled and blamed us for screwing them over as they were just getting ready to settle down here (as in our house) and they planned to be here in our house well over a year and we were gaslighting them by saying they said only a couple months of living here.
At no point did we discuss them being here for over a year and have no idea why they thought it would be okay to be here that long.
He yelled a lot more but I don’t have enough room to write it all.
We have a possible solution for now if they agree, but he continued to threaten to bring her over anyway because “they pay rent and have the right to.” Even though it is our house that we own and don’t want exes at. So anyway, are we the jerks for not wanting his ex at our house??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you two have been doormats this whole time. Unless I’m misreading something, you allowed the same couple to move in with you who caused your last place to become unlivable? Their inability to afford an apartment is ultimately their problem, but you allowed it to become yours.
It’s good that you’re finally putting your foot down on something, though. Next time you’re waiting in line to use the restroom, look up a nearby attorney to consult about what it will take to kick out the other couple. They almost definitely have some defacto rights preventing you from simply tossing their stuff out the door, considering how long they’ve been there so far.
Evicting them will be a long, painful process, and that’s the cost of you two being idiots and keeping them in your life after they destroyed the last place.” Sharikacat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First, they destroy an apartment by being irresponsible pet owners. Now they occupy your home, which you and your partner paid for, with barely any rent for nearly a year.
And they stopped working. I’d be ashamed to freeload off my friends for 9 days, let alone 9 months, and to do so while causing the most inconvenience possible to the host is unimaginable. And then to make demands about who they invite into YOUR home is WILD.
Just cut them out of your life, they sound like a lost cause.” dashger_
Another User Comments:
“Listen NTJ for not wanting your fiancé’s ex there. That said if I had your houseguests living with me and they were going to move out if someone came to help, I would have all of my exes and my wife’s exes show up to haul their crap out of my house.
I know you don’t want that ex there but if you can get rid of your squatters with little to no drama with the ex there I would think you should weigh your options and decide which thing is more important.” Past_Ad5967
10. AITJ For Suggesting My Dementia-Stricken Mom Should Go Into A Nursing Home?
“I’m in my 40s and my parents are in their mid-70s. Mom has dementia and Alzheimer’s. She has been struggling with it for 6 to 7 years now. She grew up in my current home, and they still live behind us in their house.
I’ve normally had a great relationship with my parents, struggled a bit with my mom as she has some selfish tendencies, and was a little messed up when I was a kid.
(Won’t go into that.)
But anyway, she fell and broke her hip a few months ago, went into a nursing home for about a month, and supposedly got better. She still needs a walker and stumbles without one.
The problem is with the disease she forgets she needs it and walks without it.
She’s fallen twice since then.
For the past few years with the disease, she would randomly just wander down to our house and bang on the door screaming/ringing the doorbell at all hours of the night. So much so we have deactivated the bell, have cameras now, etc. Sometimes she is ok to handle, but other times she just berates me and screams at me for existing it seems. I know it’s not her, so I try to take it in stride and get her back home.
But now since she’s broken her hip, I don’t want her walking the decently long walk down a hill to our house. Last night she did, she was sick evidently. Made it onto our porch, I sat her down and she started throwing up everywhere.
I call my dad (her husband) to come help, but he refuses saying she’s being a nag and he’s not coming home.
I was the jerk and just hung up on him because I was upset. I walked Mom back home (with her screaming at me about how terrible of a son I was), and got her settled at home.
Came back home and sprayed off my porch/cleaned it.
I’m upset with the situation because she was in a nursing home while her hip healed, she was happy, and things were ok. But he begged for her to come home, and I feel it’s unfair to then leave her alone at home and have me have to deal with these things as they arise.
It’s always been a fear of hers to go to a nursing home as she gets older, but when she was there she seemed to enjoy the interaction and liked the people when I visited, etc.
Today I text to see how she is, and then tell my father I think she needs to be somewhere permanently because she needs more care than he can provide and he needs to be able to go to his doctor visits/take care of himself (he is fighting cancer), without leaving her alone in her condition.
I have a super strong sense of duty to them and already felt terrible over not being able to help with something tomorrow due to work, then this happens, and he responds by telling me I’m an awful son, all I want to do is throw away my mom, and to not contact them again.
I stayed civil and responded with I’m just trying to start a difficult situation that should have been discussed ages ago before it got to this point. I love them both, and trying to get them both what they need. No response since.
Sorry I rambled a lot, but there’s a lot of backstory here.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ people in the condition your mother is in are better off in a nursing home or memory care facility. The people there are specifically trained, paid, and scheduled on rotation to handle her needs. You are not. Your father is not.
I understand why he would not want her to go, and I understand why she would have said she doesn’t want to go, but she is not beyond the point of knowing. Your father may disagree for emotional reasons and a sense of duty, but he will be healthier and better off if she is in a care facility, and she will be healthier and better off in a care facility.
These are not opinions they can be backed up with data. 85% of caregivers die before the person they are the caretaker of in these types of spousal situations.” Makataz2004
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I managed not to place my mom who had dementia. She ended up falling and breaking her hip.
She wouldn’t have survived the operation so we let her go. Although I’m glad she spent her last months with us, I still wonder if she’d still be alive if I had put her in a home. We can’t win when our duty towards our parents is strong.
Whatever decision you take, you’ll wonder if you took the right one. Would it be possible to find someone to be with her? This way your dad would still have her home and you wouldn’t have to worry so much. Hang in there OP.” ChompingJello
Another User Comments:
“NTJ can you afford to pay for like a CNA to come do home healthcare? They can even just do overnight shifts to sit and make sure she stays safely inside. I did temp work in a dementia home cooking meals and sitting overnight with fall-risk patients and it is not an easy thing to deal with when someone starts losing their marbles.
At some point though you will need to put her in a home. It’s just typically how it goes unless you can devote yourself to completely caring for them. They start forgetting what year it is and can even forget who their children are. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.” blackcatvibes26
9. AITJ For Confronting My Roommate About Her Smoking Habits And Disrespecting Boundaries?
“My roommate and I were best friends for 6 years and we moved in together over a year and a half ago. At first, we had great communication, similar lifestyles, a lot of shared friends and both smoked on the balcony.
I had a partner at the time and she was single.
She asked me not to bring my partner over for more than 3 days which I respected and found appropriate. During the winter months, she had developed a habit of smoking in her room which I ignored for a bit even though it bothered me because as much as I enjoyed smoking – I hated the smell and how it would travel to the shared spaces.
As it started getting warmer I asked her to smoke outside but she ignored me. She started seeing a guy and we stopped hanging out or doing any activities we used to do together and our communication had lessened. Her partner would come over for way over 3 days.
I kept reminding her to smoke outside less politely and would constantly spray Febreze until one day she got petty and sprayed Febreze in my face while I was sitting on the balcony. I freaked out at her and said her behavior was unacceptable – she apologized.
Since then our relationship was getting worse and worse. Even though she started blowing the smoke out of her window, it would still smell and even go inside my room through my window – which means I couldn’t have my window open as she smoked every 15 minutes.
About 2 months ago I quit smoking and politely asked her to stop smoking inside as I found the smell more triggering than ever. Her partner would stay over a week and I felt very disrespected as she didn’t care for my boundaries and requests. I sent her a big text, politely explaining that I didn’t feel good in my home because her partner lives with us and the smell was triggering me as someone who quit smoking.
Her response was saying that if I don’t like the living conditions then I should move out and she has plenty of people who would want to live with her the way she is. I responded with a reminder about our lease which says no smoking inside and only 2 of us on it.
She took it as a threat and was passive-aggressive.
I know now, days after the big text, that her relative has passed away (which she didn’t tell me at the time of me sending that text) and it might have contributed to her behavior and was her way of dealing with grief.
Even though she stopped smoking inside and her partner stopped coming every day, she went to our mutual friends and painted me out to be a monster – that I would do something like that to a friend who’s grieving. Once again, I was never told her relative had passed away until days later when she already told my friends.
I don’t have any communication with her or our shared friends anymore. I can’t help but feel bullied and backstabbed by people I’ve been friends with for 6 years. None of them asked for my side of the story and I feel like I tried to communicate with her so many times.
She is very avoidant due to social anxiety, etc. So what do you think? Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“If she wants to smoke inside, she should take edibles. You didn’t know about her relative at the time, and she blew off all your polite requests to stop.
NTJ That being said, when it comes to your other friends, I do not think you should be expecting them to ASK for your side of the story. You should share that on your own when you feel like it’s appropriate (I can’t see a random text out of the blue saying “Just so you know, here’s all the stuff Roommate did and I didn’t know their relative died when I said all that” going over well no matter how politely you phrase it).” NoSalamander7749
8. AITJ For Wanting To Change My Maid Of Honor From One Sister To Another?
“I (F24) am going to be getting married in a couple of months. When I first got engaged about a year ago, I asked my sister (currently 22 who I will refer to as MoH) to be my maid of honor and she accepted. My other sister (Currently 16 but at the time 15 who I will refer to as S) and I were not very close at the time.
MoH has not been around during much of the wedding process while S has, which makes sense as MoH has a full-time job while S does not and is homeschooled.
MoH has not had any input into the wedding process. While we do live under the same roof, I hardly see her anymore as she’s always working or out with friends, which is great for her, but when she is home she rarely wants to see or talk to me and says she is tired quite often.
I feel like she is a stranger at this point. When we do talk, it’s usually not about anything personal. It’s more small talk. A lot of the time it feels like family is an irritation to her and she tolerates me more than everyone else except S, who she has a decent relationship with.
Meanwhile, S and I have bonded a lot over the past year. We have become very close and share personal things. She has also been a large help with the planning.
I often justified MoH’s absence with her work. I know she’s busy and gets tired easily.
I did ask her a couple of months ago if she wanted to step down and just be a bridesmaid. She said that she did want to be my maid of honor. I’m not even sure if she has started thinking about what her speech would be like and I know she has not planned a Bachelorette party at all.
The biggest thing that has me second-guessing is that yesterday was my bridal shower. It was a tea party with a lot of food. My mom was hosting and she, S, and I were all working hard for the past three days to finish getting everything together.
We all stayed up late and got up early for the most part on those days in comparison to when we would normally go to bed and get up.
MoH was initially going to help out and make a dessert, but she decided she was too tired. She did have a big concert she was going to the night of my bridal shower.
(I didn’t know about it until after I had planned when the bridal shower was. She wasn’t around to ask) I knew she was getting ready for that as well, but I had hoped she would at least help out with some prep work. The night before, an excuse she gave was that she wanted to clean her room so that she could be ready on time (Her room is never especially messy.
There were some clothes and such on the floor, but it doesn’t take more than 30 min to clean if that) and then she was tired. The morning of, I guess she was gluing her fake nails on and getting her outfit together.
WIBTJ if I Changed the role of Maid of Honor to S instead of MoH.”
Another User Comments:
“You can change anything you want on your wedding. I’m sure your oldest sister won’t mind. Probably won’t even care. But remember this, you’re planning a bachelorette party for a 16-year-old. So it won’t be any venue you like because she will not be able to go.
So think about that aspect of it also NTJ,” Even_Enthusiasm7223.
Another User Comments:
“Are you prepared to ruin your relationship with your sister and possibly not have some of your family at the wedding? People will take sides and it could end with the people who side with your sister deciding not to attend.
You can do what you want for your wedding, but you just need to be prepared to live with the consequences of that decision.” Huge_Security7835
Another User Comments:
“While I think you can change anything you want in your wedding you need to be prepared for hurt feelings.
I think a mistake that happens often in wedding preparation is not setting good expectations for those involved. Expectations on time, money, responsibilities, etc… It sounds like your current MOH thinks that showing up in the appropriate dress is enough while it’s clear for you it’s not.
I may have missed it but is S in the wedding party at all? Maybe there is a way to recognize her in a special way that acknowledges the special relationship that you have with her now without changing the MOH. NTJ either way. Do what represents you best in your wedding.” zella1117
7. AITJ For Wanting To Install A Thermostat Lockbox To Stop My Roommate From Overheating Our Apartment?
“So, I (23 F) live in a shared 4-bedroom apartment while going to college full time with 3 other girls living with me, also college students, strangers before moving in. The first year everything was relatively okay with all of us.
We didn’t talk much unless we saw one another in the common rooms, (mainly the kitchen) and we all didn’t interact much at least on my part. Until the second year, I and two of my roommates had a falling out because of cleaning issues around the apartment.
We don’t see eye to eye on the way things are left in the apartment, so we don’t talk really at all unless something is broken in the apartment and they need me to fix it or call maintenance because I’m the one who always does it.
Recently it has begun to get hotter in the place we live, and I turn the thermostat to cold monitor it and remember to turn it off to be easy on our utilities. But one of my roommates (we’ll say her name is Lisa) has been turning the temperature on heat when it is over 80-90 degrees outside.
Even my other roommate I don’t get along with (we’ll call her Rayne) asked politely in the group chat to not do that during the hot temperature season. She did not respond in the group chat at all to our questions. A few weeks have gone by, and Lisa still turns the thermostat to heat leaving our apartment to become humid the longer it stays on not to mention we live on the second floor and heat rises from the ground up through our apartment.
I’m tired of coming home after a long day of school or one of my 2 part-time jobs just to be hotter and turn on the AC just to have Lisa turn the heat back on a few minutes later.
I have even asked Lisa TWICE in a private text that we had asked her to stop, and if she wanted to talk to me face to face about it since we have mostly ever talked over text.
Still no response, I feel that she is being the childish person in this situation not talking to me, or the rest of the roommates to establish a compromise on ANYTHING. And due to Lisa and I’s fallout I feel that she does it on purpose to make me mad.
So, I went and bought a thermostat lockbox to put over the thermostat that only I have the keys to, and I am planning to install it when she’s not here so she can’t say I didn’t try to talk to her. If she or my other roommate Rayne or both go to management about it, I will simply say that I have asked Lisa to stop putting the air on the heat when it is hot outside, that I have reached out to her multiple times, and she has not responded, and that I am managing the amount of usage that goes to our utilities that we all have to split and pay for.
Am I establishing a boundary that keeps getting crossed by one person making everyone else miserable, or am I taking away someone’s rights to a commodity they are entitled to? I feel like I am doing this not just for my sake, but for my other two roommates who are also annoyed by her antics.
Am I the jerk???”
Another User Comments:
“Lisa needs to live alone. The cold person can grab extra layering. An electric blanket. Somebody hot can pass out and have a heat stroke. Before getting a lockbox, talk to all other roommates but Lisa. They might have a better idea or agree to it.
Lisa right now is the jerk. Can you talk to the Landlord? Lisa might try to destroy a lockbox but if the Landlord approves and claims it will be considered part of the apartment then the Landlord can say Lisa destroyed the property. Just guessing here.
The best thing, the ideal thing is Lisa is told she has to move out.” pensaha
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As others have said put in the chat what you’ve done and why. I have a medical condition that is made a lot worse with extra heat so I’d be doing the same thing. A lot of things get worse if you get too hot not to mention things like heat stroke/heat exhaustion don’t just occur outside. I’d be approaching it more from a medical standpoint. And if Lisa is dumb enough to say she wants it that hot tell her a)no and b) she’s solely responsible for the extra charges on the utility bill due to her running up the bill without agreement from the rest of you.” ApprehensiveBook4214
6. AITJ For Lying To My Parents To Support My Wife's Dreams?
“I have moved to a different city almost 400km away from my parents by telling lies to them by saying my company sent me for training for 3 months, but in reality, I can work remotely.
This is to support my wife’s dream of achieving something in her life, that she was not able to focus on and achieve by staying with them.
She is very hard-working and single-handedly takes care of the entire household. She used to work a couple of years back and due to some issue in my hometown, we all had to go and work from there (remotely).
Nobody liked her working and indirectly used to budge her why it required her to work, so I feel guilty because of my family and relatives, she missed a chance to get a promotion and ultimately she had a fallout from her manager because of how hard she worked and still didn’t get considered for promotion and instead the manager chose someone he knew, so finally she quit.
We had a baby and ever since she has been a housewife. And now after a couple of years, she feels like creating her own YouTube channel and following her dreams of growing on that path but there are always some or other judgement and feelings of discomfort about achieving that goal while staying with her parents.
My father paid half of the amount for that home and I am paying the pending home loan.
I know I can’t change my parents or ask them for support because I have already tried and feel it’s not worth asking for support from them of asking to give me some space for my wife to follow her passion.
So I lied and told them I had this training and moved out of the house and lived in rent. I love my parents so does my wife (well not like I do) but because we can’t control their feelings or ask them to change for us we opted for things that we can control and so I lied to them, we both feel very guilty but in one way at least I am happy that I am supporting her dreams.
I plan to give her a year or 2 to learn to grow/fail or whatever she can achieve during this 1-2 yrs and then finally move back to our home (for our kid’s education), where our parents also stay, so that they will understand that she is into something and we are doing this for our kids future and it is what she loves.
She is at 0 now, maybe she will be something in 1-2 years. Whatever it is, I want to give her that freedom to go and achieve, learn, fail, and grow. She just doesn’t want to sit and do household chores but she also wants to contribute.
I want to know AITJ to lie to my parents (I know some of you might think, like grow a spine and talk to your parents but if I talk with them they won’t understand and their ignorance of my wife increases and it hurts her a lot, at least now they speak very happily) and move out of the city but want to go back and stay with them in 2-3yrs when she will be something at least so that they MAY also give her some space and understand that this is what she has been doing and wants to continue.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I applaud how you are handling this. Your parents won’t change their opinions, you acknowledge that and are still finding a way to do what needs to be done for your family. I know plenty of other spouses wouldn’t bother supporting their wives and would just “keep the peace” by siding with their parents or dodging the situation entirely.
You even have a thought-out plan for how the move will go over the next year or two, my only note is that if you haven’t you should discuss this plan with your wife so you’re on the same page about the moving back part whether or not she succeeds in her chosen path.” Known_Tank5939
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. Are you Indian, by any chance? Your sentence structure kind of reminds me of Indian English. If you are a fellow Desi, I want to doubly restate that you are NOT THE JERK. Post-marriage, supporting your wife comes first, even if that means telling your parents a white lie.
Sometimes it’s better to not tell the truth and maintain the relationship. I think it’s wonderful you’re doing this for her and I wish you both all the best.” FantasticCabinet2623
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It’s not the right method, but it’s the one that works.
The right would surely be establishing ‘proper’ boundaries with parents. And openly saying what you will or not owe for their consideration. But think about it this way – they were the ones who created conditions where lying is a better choice than honesty to maintain a semblance of relationship (it’s not a good one, so I hope you evolve the situation eventually), but it works.
It makes things possible, creates better opportunities, and cities create a better life for you. So in the grand scheme of things is justified. Imagine being them – imagine being someone who limits others selfishly, who prevents others from even trying. Suddenly you’re not the one doing terribly after all.” Subjective_Box
5. AITJ For Being Upset With My Mother-In-Law's Disrespectful Behavior During Our Move?
“I’ve been with my partner for 4 years and married for one year. I am (female) only 21 and recently just bought a house together. We love each other very much and are very close but our only argument ever is his mother. I lived in a garage on my mother-in-law’s property with my partner for 2 years.
This garage is not even attached to the house meaning it had no air conditioning, heat, or anything. Just a garage with a makeshift bathroom, no kitchen no nothing. Long story short during these 2 years my mother-in-law would go in and out of that garage as she pleased, and in doing so she would throw away things of mine that she thought I didn’t use, she would sell things of value that she thought we didn’t use and keep the money from them, and take things from us like towels, cleaning supplies, flower vases room sprays, just things of her interests.
As we are now moving out they are “helping” us to move out because I am pregnant and my partner is a firefighter who works a lot. During this move they have tried to take our mini fridge, microwave, TV, and other random things that I don’t appreciate them taking, they took all of the food out of our mini fridge put it in a box, and dropped it off in our garage without the fridge.
When I asked about it she said “Oh you wanted it?” implying she was going to keep the mini fridge that I bought… she later revealed after I told her I wanted it still that her husband was planning on keeping it, and the microwave and the tv… and that I should sell them to her… now as I’m unpacking the things they threw on my doorstep, I am seeing a lot of things that were just thrown in a box with no regard, including posters folded hard into squares, collectibles broken, and things just recklessly thrown in boxes.
When I asked her why all she said was “Why didn’t you come and get them” Mind you we had a moving truck set to come tomorrow, and we just closed on our house two days ago with many repairs that needed to be done plus paint, etc. They wanted to jump the gun and remodel and throw all of our stuff out.
So our stuff would have been gone by tomorrow if they just had waited one more day. She is now demanding that I still come to the Mother’s Day party they are throwing tomorrow. I don’t want to go but my partner says that’s “they were just trying to help” and that I’m “overreacting” but most of these things they have messed up are very important to me.
The fact that I am pregnant seems like they don’t care about that either. We told them and they were excited for the moment then almost immediately after are asked me why I bought a house with three different bedrooms if it’s only me and my husband why I was buying a bassinet and why I was buying all of these baby things if we don’t have a baby… I don’t hate my mother-in-law whatsoever but she acts like I don’t exist most of the time… as I was posting this my partner texted his mother asking why she was so reckless with everything and she told him to get lost because he is being ungrateful.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I wonder if your mother-in-law just isn’t very bright? Much of what you’ve said seems to indicate a pronounced lack of ability to think ahead, make relatively simple connections, navigate relationships, and understand the perspectives of others. Perhaps she’s more incompetent than vindictive and doesn’t fully appreciate that her priorities are not *everyone’s* priorities.
Your husband may be intuitively aware of her limitations and making allowances for her without fully realizing that he’s doing it.” SuzQP
Another User Comments:
“Not sure what to think here. These ‘stuff’ and appliances are they yours that you paid for, or borrowed from MIL?
Did she know a moving truck was coming the next day I’d assume probably not. It sounds like she was in a hurry to get her garage back and was trying to be helpful just not in a very effective way. In the end, she supported both you and her son for two years, which presumably has allowed you to save enough to now go buy a house – so despite her rudeness and clumsiness for your things you do owe her.
I think this party thing just suck it up and go, smooth things over, and then just get on with your new life in your own home. Bridges are easy to burn, and not so easy to rebuild. So really No jerks here” NonamesleftUK
4. AITJ For Posting Photos Of My Late Mom On Social Media To Spite My Stepmom?
“My mom passed away 9 years ago. I (17m) was the oldest and my twin siblings are two years younger but remember mom like I do. It was 2 years later when Dad met his second wife “Jen” and Jen moved in with us about a year afterward and they got married a few months after that.
When Jen moved in we had to remove all photos of Mom from the house. We were allowed one photo that couldn’t be easily seen in each of our bedrooms. But it had to blend in so Jen wouldn’t see the photos when our doors were open (a rule in Dad’s house).
We hated it. I always felt like Dad took away our home to make it Jen’s home. I don’t see it the same way. But then again I don’t feel like I live with “parents” I feel like I live with a sorta parent who changed badly when mom died and the spouse he met afterward who isn’t someone I’ll ever care much about.
The positive to it all is we have to maintain a relationship with our maternal family. This is something that is the most “dad” out of dad’s behavior since mom died. Our grandparents were our babysitters when our parents needed one. They sometimes had us for days at a time if our parents went away anywhere.
Plus they were around all the time when mom was alive. Dad keeping that relationship going is one of the only reasons I don’t completely hate him for putting Jen’s comfort so far ahead of ours.
My grandparents and two of my aunts have lots of photos of mom in their house still.
They’re big on photos in general and never took any down after Mom died. They even have wedding photos and such. When Jen became aware of that she got so annoyed. She tried to confront one of my aunts about it and said it wasn’t healthy for us to see photos of our dead mother everywhere and my aunt told her to mind her own business.
So I have social media. Lately, I have been using my social media to see photos of my mom again and to share stuff about our family when we were an actual family and not just three siblings who lost their dad in most ways after their mom died. I know it bothers Jen, which makes me love doing it even more.
I now only use it when I’m with my maternal family and I sign out when going to dad’s so Jen can’t make me take it down. But I upset her last week and she’s been mad ever since. I shared three photos of my family and talked about my parents and how many happy memories I had of when we were a family.
Jen wasn’t mentioned and I shared no photo of her at all. This bothered her and the fact I focused so much on my mom. She told me to stop posting photos of Mom and to take down the family post. She told me I was disobeying her and my dad by posting them.
She got Dad involved and he asked me if I’d take them down and I told him no. He left it there but Jen said I’m posting them to spite her and that’s wrong. She told me she deserves more respect than that.
Also, this jealousy from Jen is more about her not liking that dad lost mom than about my siblings and me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are being petty but this is the kind of justified petty that I love. Your dad and stepmum are the jerks who expected you to just remove all memories of your mother. That’s messed up in so many ways that whatever you can do to counter, it would be justified. Just hope you don’t get into too much trouble for it because jerk parents find jerk ways to punish children for such resistance.
Best of luck my man. You do you and celebrate your memories of your mum however you want to. Sorry for your loss.” Shoddy_Career1520
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have a right to your memories and you have a right to speak about them.
Besides this, she sounds unhinged to expect kids to forget their mom and forget their family. I’d like to say that I agree she deserves more but it sounds like she’s getting exactly what she deserves. She’s lucky you don’t leave the house at 18 and post a pic and a story a day!” saintandvillian
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Jen has no right to try and remove your memories of your mother. That’s a great way to get your partner’s kids to resent you… which is precisely what happened. And it sounds like you’ve rarely done any family memory things with her.
Leaving you with your grandparents for “days at a time?” Why do I get the feeling Jen allowed that relationship to stay because it meant she had somewhere to put you when she wasn’t interested in parenting?” Front_Rip4064
3. AITJ For Not Following My Wife's Clothing Rotation System?
“My wife and I split laundry work in that I bring it down to the basement, load it in and change it over before bringing it back upstairs and my wife puts the clothes away when they’re done because she has a certain way she likes to fold and put clothes away.
Which to me, is a fine division of labor and effort in housekeeping.
The way she puts clothes away though has very little to do with clothes being accessible or organized by type and more about putting them in order so that every piece of clothing has a chance to be worn.
Clothes that are in drawers get rotated into the closet (a tiny closet in our NYC apartment) and then new clean clothes go into the drawers to await being put back into rotation. There isn’t any organization beyond this, our clothes get mixed into drawers seemingly at random.
Pajamas with dress shirts, and sweatpants in the same place as sleeveless tees. So, the order is the important factor to her and not being able to find or access clothes you want to wear, so I’m forced to look through everything to find an outfit you want to wear.
Though to her, I should be only choosing what to wear out of what is in the closet.
I can understand this to a point and have said I can see the value in this system especially if that is important to her. I appreciate the level of organization and dedication she puts into our lives at home, but also that I won’t be told I can’t wear the clothes I want when I want to.
I’m a comfortable outfit type of person. I know which of my shirts I love the most and what pairs of pants I like them with, what belt goes with which outfit, etc. However, I don’t believe I need to wear them in a rotation and not being able to wear (or find) what I please is very frustrating to me.
I don’t rip them out of the drawers and leave the rest a mess, I always carefully remove them and put other clothes back the way they were.
When I take clothing from a drawer instead of the closet, it instantly sours her mood and the morning becomes very tense.
To the point where she passive-aggressively asked “Should I just throw all your clothes in the closet in the garbage?” and has not put laundry away for the entirety of this week because “What’s the point? You’re just going to wear whatever anyway.” I might wear those clothes again, just not that day, and yes, maybe a few can go to donation because I’m not wearing them as much (Which is what I said in response), but to me, that isn’t something to get so upset about you have a nasty attitude with your spouse over it and leave the house for work in a terrible mood.
I see this as controlling and she sees my behavior as insensitive. But me wearing clothes “out of order” does nothing to our home or health, and has no negative impact on our lives other than her frustration with me not adhering to her system.
Is this her being neurotic and controlling or am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This whole “clothes in order” thing is so confounding it’s hard for me to understand. At least especially since it’s your clothes done by her. Of course, you should be able to wear whatever you want whenever you want.
If you have space, I’d suggest keeping your clothes separate or being at least in charge of where your clothes go. You hang up whatever you want, and you organize your clothes however you see fit. It is rather controlling, and I don’t know if she has OCD or something, because it’s pretty intense to be that invested in what your spouse wears when (because it disturbs the way she organized them).
Because it was a drawer shirt vs a closet shirt? Huh? Do you get any say in what you want to be hung up vs in a drawer because you may have a sense of what you may want to wear the upcoming week/season?
I don’t think I’d be able to live with someone who insisted that I keep my clothes the way they want them, and then get mad when I wear what I want. (My partner and I keep our clothing separate and have different systems to how they’re kept and such)” fallingintopolkadots
Another User Comments:
“This is bizarre. Your wife has some kind of OCD. This “system” serves no purpose at all besides calming her jangling neurons. You can’t find what you want to wear, you can’t ever wear what you want when you want, and your work shirts are crushed. And she gets angry and defensive if you just try to wear a shirt out of order.
These are not her clothes! You are not her Ken doll to dress as she demands! Please encourage her to get help. this is not normal at all.” MrBreffas
Another User Comments:
“Nope. Nope. No, no, no. What did I just read? Save your clothes, your sanity, and your marriage, spend a couple of hundred bucks (less on Amazon if you don’t care how long it lasts), and get yourself one of those freestanding closet systems. Now.
Her system and the thinking behind it was so muddled I read it twice and I’m still confused. It makes zero sense. Did someone teach her this growing up? Please update us when you’ve liberated your clothes. Good luck.” Hungry_Composer644
2. AITJ For Wanting To Sell Or Throw Away My Partner's Unused Gifts?
“My partner (24M) and I (33M) have been together for over a year and a half.
We’ve had our ups and downs, but I’m happy in the relationship.
I hate waste. Less is more. I’m not picky about prices, but I won’t buy more than I need. Even as a kid.
My partner, on the other hand, holds onto sentimental items, including things from his exes.
His mom told me how he would show off the simplest gift to friends and family. When he moved in, he decided to bring just his clothes and left his exes’ gifts at his mom’s.
When we started, the first thing I bought him was a new pair of gym shoes because they were old.
He used them for a few weeks before buying a new pair, leaving mine forgotten. He also asked for me to gift him a jacket of mine. He used it a few weeks before leaving it forgotten in my car, my brother found it and asked for it.
My partner didn’t notice it was gone until 4 months later. I got mad about the pattern and threw them away. He got upset about it and promised he would use the replacement more, but 6 months later, it’s still unpacked.
My partner is a huge Taylor Swift fan.
When she announced her new album, he was over the moon. He’s never had any original Taylor Swift merchandise because of his $$, so I decided to surprise him. I bought the most expensive vinyl in the store and some other items as a gift. He found out about it by mistake and was thrilled. I was happy to see him so excited.
The items arrived in April. Days passed, and he left the things on the bed in my son’s room, unpacked. When my son came over, I had to move them elsewhere.
I asked him what he planned to do with the stuff, and he said he was thinking about it.
The items started to gather dust, so I bought new furniture for the living room for him to display his collection. But nothing happened. The furniture arrived two weeks ago and is collecting dust. I tried to arrange them on the furniture, but he got mad, saying he wanted to decide how and where to put them.
I’m tired of seeing them just lying around. I told him that if he doesn’t decide soon, I’ll either sell them or throw them away. To me, they’re just becoming garbage, and I can’t stand it.
He told me that I would be a jerk if I did that, but to me, it already feels like a waste of money.
So would I be the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. They’re gifts. Give them if you want to, don’t if you don’t. But once you give them, they’re his to do with as he pleases. You don’t get to gatekeep his enjoyment or use of them.
If you’re not happy with what he does with them, don’t give him things that could sit around. Give him something consumable, or take him to an activity, etc..” catsaway9
Another User Comments:
“YTJ this comes across as really controlling. I get you want your space to be nice, but it’s not just your space anymore.
Whenever I move it takes forever for me to finish decorating. Did you include your partner in choosing the display furniture? Why would you ever think it’s ok to get rid of a significant other’s belongings? Sounds like they are more sentimental than you and sometimes that means wanting to display or use sentimental items very specifically, which can take time.
You need to be more flexible with this shared space, especially given the age gap your partner has nested way less than you and needs time to adjust” rebel
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I don’t think you understand the concept of gifts. You give them to people because you care about the person.
Not the gift. What they do with the gift after is none of your business. If you wanted to display TS merch yourself, fine, buy it and display it. But not wrap it in a gift, put conditions on the person receiving it, and then get upset when these are not met.
In that case, they’re not gifts anymore.” nim_opet
1. AITJ For Leaving Early From A Work Weekend At My Family Lake House Due To My Wife's Injury?
“My retired mom lives at our family lake house by herself after my dad passed away last fall. My aunt and uncle live right next door. We have a big family reunion coming up in 3 weeks that will be hosted at the 2 properties. This past weekend my brothers and I were going up there to help get a bunch of things ready.
Yard work, planting flowers, putting docks and boats in the water, etc.
Last week I was talking with my oldest brother and I told him my wife and I were going to come up as well and bring our 2 sons (3 & 1). He asked if it would be possible for me to come up by myself because the weather isn’t going to be great and this isn’t going to be a “fun” weekend, it’s a “work” weekend and he knows if my entire family comes up then I won’t be able to help with the projects much.
I told him that he and his wife are bringing their 5-year-old son and my kids want to see their cousin.
We ended up not getting there until Saturday morning because we were exhausted Friday night and didn’t want to make the 2-hour drive. Not even 5-minutes after we arrived, my wife threw her back out carrying one of our bags upstairs.
She tried to take some pain meds but they didn’t help much so she was pretty much immobile.
We tried to keep our boys occupied in areas where she could still watch them, but our 1-year-old just started walking and my mom’s house isn’t the most kid-friendly so he requires a lot of attention.
Everyone else was already busy so I had to watch my kids.
Sunday morning my wife woke up and her back was still in rough shape. We decided it would be best if we just headed home so my wife could rest and it would be easier for me to watch the kids.
We were all packed up and ready to go by noon.
My brothers and uncle were putting a dock and boat lift in the water when we were about to leave. They were all in the water in waders because the lake was still really cold.
I went to tell them we were leaving so they could say goodbye to the kids, but they didn’t want to stop what they were doing. My oldest brother made a sarcastic comment about thanking me for all of my help. I explained that my wife was in a lot of pain and it would be easier for her to rest at home.
He said, “Yeah, hope she gets some rest and feels better. See all of you in 3 weeks when you get to show up and have fun after we do all the work to get things ready.” I told him he didn’t need to be a jerk about this and it’s no one’s fault.
He told me they are all busy and that there is still a lot of work to do so he doesn’t have time to argue with me.
Everyone else seemed much more understanding and just wanted my wife to feel better, but my brother was being a jerk about it.
I know he’s frustrated that I wasn’t able to help, but it’s not like my wife planned to hurt her back.
We have other things going on between now and the reunion so we can’t go up there again. They did get everything done, but my brother is still salty about it.”
Another User Comments:
“Mild ESH. I think your brother could have been more gracious because your wife was injured and she didn’t do it on purpose, and once that was done your options were limited. But, your brother also called it ahead of time that you wouldn’t be of much help.
Is this maybe a pattern for you? I noticed you didn’t give his request to leave the kids at home any consideration, but still arrived later than everyone else and ended up leaving early as well. It seems like maybe given that he was already anticipating you might not be of help, you could have been a little more conscientious to show up for them.
At this point, maybe there is stuff you can do from afar to help, or you could contribute more to the food prep or other day-of things to even it out. I also acknowledge that, as you’re ALL busy, no one should ultimately feel obligated to bend over backward to make this party happen.
But it’s clear that your brother feels you don’t pull your weight and this situation kinda proved that.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your brother asked you to leave your wife and kids at home for a reason. I suspect this is a pattern.
Even before she hurt her back, you bailed on going up Friday night. Everyone had already started work on Saturday by the time you got there. Also, if the kids are that all over the place in a not-kid-friendly house, your wife wasn’t going to be helping with the gardening either.
She was going to be on kid duty. Therefore, she should have stayed home.” lmholot1981
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You were told ahead of time that this was a “work” weekend. You admit that his 5-year-old does not require the same type of attention your kids need. I know that your wife didn’t hurt her back on purpose, but even if she hadn’t, having 3 kids around when you’re trying to get work done, is different than having just your nephew.
Your decision to bring your wife and kids knowing what needed to be done was a selfish one. You should have left your kids at home. Your brother is right because of your actions, and you and your family are going to reap the rewards while you did none of the work.” keesouth
