People Seek A Consensus For Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Not Wanting My In-Laws To Stay With Us For Six Months?
“We have been happily married for 7 years, with a 4-year-old daughter.
We rarely have disagreements, much less major arguments.
She was born and raised in China, moved to the US in 2011, naturalized, and has no intention or desire to return. Her family, including her parents, live in China. She is currently a stay-at-home mom.
I was born in Japan but was raised in the US.
I am the family breadwinner and handle all our finances, etc.
When our daughter was born, my wife’s parents stayed with us for a whole year. I had apprehension about this. But we had a new baby, my wife was still working, and I didn’t want them to feel unappreciated. They are objectively not bad people.
They love our daughter and were helpful in supporting my wife. But there is a huge cultural and language divide that I’m not sure can be overcome. I realize it’s normal in many other cultures for the inlaws/parents to basically live with the family and grandchildren.
But this certainly wasn’t the case with me.
My in-laws have been to the US all of 3 times. They don’t speak English. They are not really aware of Western social boundaries and norms. They are also the age where they aren’t really interested in learning these norms. We live in an outer suburb that is not accessible by any other way than a private vehicle, so they are essentially housebound the entire time they are here.
When they came to stay with us for the first time, I was initially happy to have them. But after a few months, that happiness started to turn into near resentment. We had no privacy. They had behaviors that to them were maybe normal/innocent, but I found bothersome/disrespectful.
Due to language, I was unable to directly communicate and ask them to change their behavior. The same coming from my wife was not effective due to cultural norms and, ‘We’re your parents, we raised you, so you don’t really get to tell us what to do.’
This placed an emotional and relational divide between me and my wife. I was also the ‘new guy’ at work and working harder and longer than I am now. I started to dread going home. I stayed at work long after my shifts had finished. It was the only way I could get away to have time for myself.
I became more withdrawn, and it was obvious. I felt trapped. I genuinely feared for our marriage at one point.
Fast forward 4 years later. She wants to invite them over so they can spend time with our daughter. I am not opposed to this. She wants them to come for 6 months.
I would be ok with maybe 2 or 3. She keeps coming up with reasons why it has to be 6. I am simply not OK with this, especially how it affected our relationship last time. I also don’t want our daughter to see me like I was 4 years ago.
Once again I feel like what I think doesn’t matter. And if I don’t go along, then it’s because I don’t like my inlaws, or I don’t want them to spend time with our daughter. Neither of which is the case.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“Stop relying upon your wife for communication. Get an interpreter but call them a ‘friend’, preferably an older male. Have a conversation with them about what you expect in your home. Be gentle, polite, and respectful. Ask what you can do to accommodate them and make them feel more comfortable.
They will sit up and pay attention to the man of the house in ways they won’t when their daughter speaks. That may not be fair but this is the only way to get through to them. NTJ but you have more control of this situation than you think.” theloveburts
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Relationships are partnerships. Your wife has to be open to compromise. If she’s feeling overburdened and wants her parents there to help she needs to communicate that and come up with a solution that works for both of you. She can’t just force a huge change on you, especially for half a year.
You’re gonna need to have a deeper conversation with her about what her reasonings are for pushing for the 6 months so firmly. And is she aware of the resentment you started to feel for her and her family? Cause if you haven’t stressed to her how much you started to question your relationship with her during that time, you need to.
Like NEED to. Because that’s really serious. If 6 months with her parents is worth sacrificing her marriage there might be bigger issues on the horizon.” KuhLealKhaos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Unless I am way off base, aren’t there some Asian cultures wherein the parents expect their adult children to house them and financially support them as they grow older as a kind of repayment for having raised them?
I have a sneaking suspicion that this could be where things are heading. Six months is just entirely TOO long to be cooped up in a house with your in-laws if there weren’t a massive language barrier. The culture clash will be inevitable. It’s your house therefore your rules.
Also, you and your wife both absolutely have an equal say regarding who to bring into your home for that long of a time. After you discuss this further with your wife and find out her reasons for wanting them there for 6 months versus your reasons for not, I think that you (and your wife) should enlist the help of someone who can impartially interpret for you, and with their help, have a very calm and frank discussion with your in-laws regarding everyone’s expectations.” Kokopelle1gh
20. AITJ For Buying A Range Rover For My Parents?
“I’ve (30s M) been married to my wife (30s F) for roughly 10 years. I am from a very poor background.
My parents (late 50s) both work blue-collar jobs and are finally stable financially after roughly 30+ years of work. Growing up we were often living hand to mouth. My parents both worked roughly 50-60 hours a week to provide for us. While they made smart financial decisions, it took them a long time to be stable and plan for their future.
I worked my butt off and got a full scholarship, initially in undergrad and finally to law school. After graduating from law school Summa cum Laude, I have a very lucrative offer at a prestigious law firm.
I started working and instead of spending it all, I spent it smartly.
I purchased a house, which is almost paid off, and invested a good amount for our retirement and our daughter’s education.
After things became stable and secure, I started spending a lot on things I was not able to enjoy growing up and as a young adult.
For example, I took my wife on a helicopter trip to Niagara Falls for our wedding anniversary, something she wanted for a long time. I purchased myself a gaming PC. etc.
Despite the additional expenses, I had a strict budget and never spent more than planned.
I decided to give something back to my parents. They have loved and cared for me and I have never been able to do something grand for them. I purchased my dad’s dream car, a Range Rover. I planned for this purchase about 6 months ahead of time.
I discussed this with my wife before purchasing it.
I explained my reason to her and she seemed at first okay with it. After buying them this vehicle, they were very excited, to the point where my dad started crying. I have never seen him cry in my life.
I was ecstatic.
When we returned home, my wife started yelling and screaming at me. Telling me I don’t care about her or prioritize her in my life. I was a bit shocked. I tried to calm her down but she wasn’t having any of it.
She was mad that I would even think about purchasing my parents a car. According to her, only she and my daughter are my family. I should be there to help or support my parents, but not do something so exuberant for them.
It just hurts me that she would react this way.
I have never to my knowledge given her the short end of the stick. She has been the most important person in my life since we married.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You told your wife ahead of time, and she okayed the purchase. That she was so angry after you actually gifted it to them indicates that she’s jealous that you gave them such an extravagant gift and is wondering why you don’t spend lavishly on her.
It sounds like you’re, if not miserly, then extremely budget-minded in your day-to-day spending. Actually seeing the generous gift likely made her bitter about all the ways you penny-pinch to keep to your budget.
None of this makes your financial choices wrong, but I can imagine that the gift might make her chafe.” pineboxwaiting
Another User Comments:
“Wow, NTJ. Good for you, you worked your butt off and put yourself through school. You did a good thing for your parents. You bought a house and cars for you and your wife. I’m sorry but your wife sounds ungrateful, let her sulk she will eventually get over it.
Was she brought up in the same kind of household as you, or were/are her parents rich, seems kind of strange that she would be angry about giving back to your parents.” What_ever101
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Is your wife close with her parents?
You mentioned you take care of yourself and your wife/kid first, you have been responsible and have worked hard, and it sounds like you nor your wife want or need anything. It’s MANY kids’ dreams to be able to do something like this for their parents, if she doesn’t understand what this means to you and your parents then she needs a reality check.
Be proud of what you’ve accomplished, if she’s not supportive of you that’s on her.” Twyztedgothik
19. AITJ For Taking My Stepdaughter To The Hospital Even Though Her Mother Didn't Want Me To?
“So a couple of months ago my stepdaughter came home with a nasty infection under her eye that covered a decent amount of her face. It was so bad it looked like it had blistered.
Her mother told us that she had it for almost a week and that when her ‘nurse’ mother-in-law came to visit looked at it and said it was fine and she should just cover it with a band-aid.
The next day was Monday and my my step-daughter developed a small fever. Because of the infection, I was worried that it was causing the fever and she could get much worse really fast if we didn’t do anything. I do have permission from her father, my fiancé, to take her to the doctor.
Took her to the doctor, where we found out that it was a very serious and contagious infection, that could have led to serious complications especially since it was located in the death zone of her face. I made the comment that my stepdaughter’s grandma (mom’s mother-in-law) is not a doctor.
This got back to her mom, Mom messages my fiancé telling him I’m a cow, telling him to keep his dog in her cage, and claims I had no right to take her to the doctor since mother-in-law looked at it and said it was fine.
Since then, she has blocked me and refuses to talk to me. It’s nice not gonna lie.
But AITJ for saying the mother-in-law isn’t a doctor and taking my stepdaughter to the doctor when she was sick and her father was at work?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like your stepdaughter would be in for a lot of problems if you hadn’t taken her.
Also how many days had it been since her grandma had looked at it? Because if it was right after it first appeared and it’s been there that long, she might not even have the same opinion when you took her as she did when she saw it.
I don’t think there was anything wrong with saying she’s not a doctor, mind you, just your step-daughter’s mom sounds a little unhinged and I wonder if she’s even representing that correctly or if she just didn’t want to bother.” kitscarlett
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Tell your stepdaughter’s mother to shut up. MIL is not a certified professional & clearly, she is in the wrong, even the doctor said that it was serious. Her mother has a weak, fragile ego.
She has no right to talk about you like that & call you names.
Tell her to grow up and see a therapist. If she thinks that her daughter’s life is worth less than her MIL’s ego, then she shouldn’t be her MIL. If MIL wants to insist that she’s right, tell her to get a medical degree before they talk nonsense.” moistpeepoo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You had permission from her parent. Unless there is a court order in the custody agreement that only she can make medical decisions, your fiancé’s permission is absolutely enough. (And not getting a child adequate medical care is a form of neglect, so considering how serious this was I think it was ethical to take her even if you didn’t have permission.
A week after a visible injury that isn’t healing a fever starts? That’s definitely doctor time.)
It wasn’t fine, you have proof it wasn’t fine because there is an actual medical diagnosis, and yet his ex is more concerned with calling you a cow, a dog, saying you should be in a cage?
Wow.
At least your step-daughter has her father and you to advocate for her.” Kettlewise
You may need to prove there was actual medical neglect.
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To My Friend's Birthday Party?
“So currently I (15F) really don’t wanna go to my friend’s (15M) bday party.
For context, I’m really outgoing at school and friendly with most of my teachers, so I guess my teachers saw this as an opportunity to help my friend out, who has some developmental delays, by kinda making me tag him along with my friend group and such, and it was cool at first, but I think he has a crush on me because he’s touchy all of a sudden.
I’m pretty sure my teachers are pushing him to pursue it too because whenever I don’t go along with any ‘affectionate’ things he does, I get scolded for it because ‘he just has a crush/he processes things differently, etc, etc’ stuff along that.
There’s a dance event coming up at my school in April, and I’ve been encouraged to ‘let him ask me out’ to the dance.
I’m getting uncomfortable but I don’t wanna offend him or anything or get in trouble if I do.
His birthday is coming up, and I don’t really wanna go, but my mom is pushing me to because it would be rude of me not to, so I might just go over to my dad’s place. Told a friend or two about my plan, and they said I should just go and stop whining about it.
WIBTJ if I didn’t go?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the adults in your life shouldn’t be pushing you to have a relationship (friends or more) with someone who is making you uncomfortable.
‘I’m pretty sure my teachers are pushing him to pursue it too because whenever I don’t go along with any ‘affectionate’ things he does, I get scolded for it because ‘he just has a crush/he processes things differently, etc, etc’ stuff along that.’
This worries me greatly as they’re teaching you that just because someone is different you should allow them to make you uncomfortable. This is unacceptable ESPECIALLY when it comes to physical touch.
I would tell him that you don’t see him that way but that you’d still like to be friends (if the friends thing is true for you), in as nice a way as you can if you haven’t said it already, but if you have said it and he still pushes your boundaries you can and should stay away.
If you get reprimanded for setting boundaries talk to an adult you trust to have your back about going to higher-ups at the school. It’s gross that teachers are pushing this when you’re clearly uncomfortable, tagging you in as a friend is /fine/ if you’re cool with it but tagging you in as a date is not ok.” simmingtime
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, omg OP please go tell a trusted adult, maybe even the school counselor or principal about the way the TEACHERS are making you feel. I know your first instinct is to worry that you’re overreacting, or making a mountain out of a molehill, but I promise you are not.
This is extremely concerning. Even if they were doing this by accident or even lightheartedly, it doesn’t matter. They are the adults in positions of authority, and they are making you uncomfortable and need to be told to stop. It’s not your responsibility to confront them about it either, let the other staff do that.
It’s never too early to learn to advocate for yourself. It’s hard and scary but the more often you do it, the easier it gets and it’s the best thing you can do for future you.
Alternatively, you can just avoid all of these people and ghost them as much as you can.
Just fully ignore anyone that ignores you when you say no. If someone touches you after you’ve asked them to stop, you can loudly say something like ‘I asked you to please stop touching me!’ and hopefully the embarrassment will get them to stop.
If not, then remove yourself from the situation.
I’m sorry you’re in this position in the first place, but however you choose to handle it, please remember that your feelings are important, and you should never let people treat you in a way that makes you uncomfortable just to keep the peace.” GalaxyOHare
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re 15, and people are already taking away your consent. They’re pushing someone onto you who makes you uncomfortable and you have to just deal with it because he has developmental delays? Absolutely not. People with developmental delays are not stupid nor are they incapable of learning that when feelings are not reciprocated, you leave them alone.
If you do not want to go, don’t go. If you are uncomfortable, let him know and maybe find an adult who will actually advocate for you instead of being gross and pushy. Good luck.” Expensive-Drive-32
17. AITJ For Telling My Sister She's Insecure About Her Weight?
“My sister has always been on the more curvy side, while I was always slimmer. I never did any workouts or ate carefreely so it was 100% genetic.
After I hit the age of 13 I gained weight till I was 70kg. After that, my mom and sister always told me I was fat on a daily basis (They both still weighed more).
After my 14th birthday, I lost weight again dropping to 60kg and where I am today. Completely normal for 165cm.
I’ve started trying to lose weight and be more active for my mental health because after 1 year of being called fat, you just never feel comfortable in your body again.
Now my sister told my mom I had an eating disorder, which I do not. My mother confronted me and I told her that’s nonsense.
Every time my sister sees me she says: ‘you’re not skinny enough’ etc. as a way to mock me for trying to be slimmer.
Today I’ve had it. When she said again: ‘Maybe you should stop eating, you’ll lose weight!’ I told her that she should stop being immature and that I just want to do my thing in peace. Just because she’s insecure, doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to lose weight.
Well, my mom now makes me seem like a total jerk.
So, am I really the jerk or we both are?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honey, you are OK. And you’re well on your way to being more than OK, to being actively happy and happy with yourself and accepting of your own responsibilities and life.
Don’t let others project their insecurities on you, and don’t accept their judgments because their judgments are based on their own perceptions, not on yours. I can tell by your words that a very good world is ahead of you. Trust yourself.” Few_Ad_5752
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister and mom sound awful and kind of jealous. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a healthy weight, or taking strides to shape your body to what you want it to be. I’m really sorry you have to deal with your sister making remarks like this.
I don’t think people realize that you can be body shamed almost regardless of how you look. I was always pretty skinny growing up and was frequently body shamed by others. The ‘eating disorder’ remark that your sister used on you is one I often heard thrown my way.
Being told I should eat more, or having people speculate that I must only eat salad or skip meals, etc., definitely had a sucky impact on me.
I don’t think people realize these remarks can be as damaging to an individual’s body image as fat shaming.
Either way, you’re criticizing someone for how they look with the intention of making them feel bad. I think your sister is probably doing this because she is insecure with how she looks, and she doesn’t like that you are now dieting and exercising and losing weight while she remains the same.” YearOneTeach
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Body type, shape, and size do not matter so long as you are 1) healthy and 2) happy.
If your weight is causing health issues (regardless of over or underweight) then you should do everything in your power to try and mitigate/manage your weight for your health.
If your weight isn’t causing health issues but you aren’t happy with it and want to go up or down to your ideal weight that’s perfectly fine too, and you should do what you need to to reach and keep that.
Your mom and sister sound like they are coming from a place of jealousy and putting you down because of it which is never a good look for anyone.” ConfusionPossible590
16. AITJ For Not Caring About Having A "Picture-Perfect Catholic Family"?
“My (27F) husband (30M) and I have 2 kids. My husband and I both grew up Catholic but had very different experiences within the church growing up, even though we grew up attending the same church with the same community.
His family was the ‘example of a good Catholic family’, parents still married ‘happily’, and a good amount of kids were there every Sunday.
For our small farm community, they were what others should want to be. (Surface only behind the scenes they are nothing like what they portrayed at church).
I was born out of wedlock by a teen mom and grew up in a broken home. I was adopted but my parents later divorced. Due to that I was often the butt of the gossip around the church and was often told to my face that I was not going to heaven just for being born.
But my mom still forced me to go every week Wednesday and Sunday, even though at a young age led to me coming home crying. She forced me to volunteer and participate in numerous activities to try and ‘prove my worth’.
I have ZERO issues with my faith, I still believe in the Catholic religion, my issue is with the church itself.
I pray regularly and occasionally listen to mass, but I don’t feel like I need to show my face in the building to be ‘whole’ and complete in my faith.
Recently my husband’s best friend (29M) got very into religion again after years of nothing.
My husband was very proud of him for finding that piece that he (best friend) said was missing. This has also caused my husband to get more involved again, which I don’t mind. But now my husband wants us to become that ‘picture-perfect Catholic family’ by attending every week in our Sunday best no ifs/ands/or buts.
I talked to him and he says he understands my feelings to a point, but he only knew love and praise from the church so, to his own admission, only somewhat understands. And says we can’t shelter our children from God just because I felt abandoned by the community growing up.
(We still live in the same area we grew up) I am not trying to keep my kids from God, I plan to teach them, pray with them, etc. But he doesn’t think it’s enough. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were exposed to the hypocrisy of the church.
It is real. You have a right to not want your children participating in that.
Unless you agreed to be active in the Catholic Church when you married and agreed to raise your children under that influence, you have no obligation here. There were no false pretenses.
A nondenominational community would be a good compromise. You guys need to get on the same page because such a strong disagreement can hurt your marriage.” tatersprout
Another User Comments:
“You said it yourself, they’re fake. They put on an appearance of being a perfect family, then they go and be awful to the wait staff at cracker barrel and don’t tip.
I’m sure the straight male never had issues with the catholic church. Your experiences as a woman and a ‘not-so-perfect’ kid are clearly different.
God forbid your child turns out Queer in any way, it’ll take decades of therapy for them to love themselves.
Can you tell I’m not a fan of the catholic church?
I would never in a million years let my child anywhere near the Catholic church, if it’s not a risk of assault, it’ll be irreversible mental damage. It’s a cult, plain and simple.
You can be religious and still avoid the cult church.
NTJ.” LuckyLunayre
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘I talked to him and he says he understands my feelings to a point,’
‘No,’ is a complete sentence. He does not have to ‘understand.’ His understanding is not required. He does not get to unilaterally decide what your children’s religious upbringing looks like.
That’s a negotiation, something where you find a compromise that you can both live with.
It is not a case where that unless you ‘win’ the argument by convincing him, he gets to decide.
And while you’re probably going to have to be okay with your kids showing up sometimes at Church on Sunday (compromise works both ways, after all) – you never have to go if you don’t want to.
That’s his thing. ‘Tried that, it’s not for me.’
And if he doesn’t like the fact that you don’t look like a ‘picture-perfect Catholic family’ if you’re not there every week, that’s his problem. He can channel that frustration into changing the Church, making it more responsive to the needs of people like you.” HotspurJr
15. WIBTJ If I Don't Want To Go To My Daughter's Half-Sister's Wedding?
“My daughter’s mother has another daughter, my daughter’s half-sister. For simplicity’s sake, I will call her Barbara. I will call my daughter Lily. I will refer to their mom as Gloria.
Now I recently received an invitation to Barbara’s wedding. I found this sort of odd as I have not had any contact with her in years.
I’m also not a fan of weddings. I basically only attend them if they are for a close friend or family member. So I sent back the electronic rsvp declining the invite.
A few days later I get a message from Gloria saying that Barbara was crushed that I declined the invite.
Gloria said that Barbara was trying to extend an olive branch and bury the hatchet. Barbara had hoped that I would be there to walk her down the aisle like any dad is supposed to.
After reading this message I was immediately confused because I didn’t know what she is talking about.
What does she mean to bury the hatchet? More importantly, what does she mean by referring to me as her dad? Just to be clear I have never considered Barbara to be my child. I have never taken a parental role in her life. Sure, I was around a lot while she was growing up because I wanted to be as involved in my daughter’s life as possible and sometimes I included Barbara when taking Lily out just to be nice.
That really was the extent of it. I’m not sure how that translates to me being her dad. Especially since I would only have Lily overnight for half the week and only take Lily on vacations and to visit my family. I only took an active role in parenting Lily.
I didn’t know how to respond to Gloria, so I talked to Lily about it to try and get some insight. Lily explained how years ago Barbara made a comment about her being the golden child in front of me. It was supposed to be some sort of dig at me favoring Lily.
This must have flown over my head as I don’t remember it and frankly, why would I think it had anything to do with me? But Lily said Barbara thought I was really upset at her because of what she said and that’s why I stopped coming around.
The reality is that was around the time that Lily went to college. So without Lily being there I really had no reason to go over to Gloria’s anymore. Lily said she hadn’t said anything about it to me because the whole situation weirded her out and she didn’t want to become more involved.
So I finally replied back to Gloria and told her that this was all a big misunderstanding. Gloria said even if it was (she doesn’t think it was she still thinks I just abandoned Barbara after having been around her whole life) I should try to understand how it has caused Barbara so much pain over the years, how hard it was for her to forgive me, and how it would really be great if I could just show up so she doesn’t continue to feel unwanted and can finally get closure.
But given all this information I feel far less inclined to go to the wedding than I did before. Like Lily, I think the whole thing is weird and I’d rather not become more involved either.”
Another User Comments:
“Gloria has no problem with Barbara’s perception of OP as her dad.
Gloria talks of Barbara seeing OP as being ‘around for her whole life’ when Barbara’s bio dad has been AWOL. Barbara buys into the ‘father of my sister must be my father too’ enough to compare treatment as if Lily is OP’s favored child instead of being his ‘only’ child.
This seems to be quite a fantasy web they’ve woven. It’s out there enough that Lily was weirded out by it and OP missed the story altogether.
NTJ, OP.
It’s a sad story and I hope that Barbara gets some help to work through what’s real and what’s not.
This is a child who was so desperate to have two parents that she invented one. Gloria is likely to be of little help in returning Barbara to a reality-based perspective. Barbara seems to have been used by Gloria to invent a connection to her ex beyond the child they produced together.” FiberKitty
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ
I feel really bad for Barbara, though. It’s likely she had latched onto the positive father role she found in you but had misunderstood/ignored the reality of the situation.
I guess the ex-wife is the jerk though. This was something she should have communicated about and found the solution instead of letting her daughter hurt and stew in resentment, which probably spilled onto Lily at times too.
Communication would have avoided this current situation.
If you don’t feel comfortable doing it, don’t do it. I don’t think I would want someone to begrudgingly walk me down the aisle or be at my wedding.” Ok-Writer-774
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. It sounds as if she is projecting a father role onto you.
From what you posted you were never a father figure; you weren’t even a stepfather. Somehow your being kind to your daughter’s half-sister on occasion has been misconstrued.
I would not continue this misconception as it doesn’t seem healthy for Barbara to believe that she is a daughter to you when she isn’t.
I don’t see how anyone would benefit from continuing with this false narrative. I feel sorry for Barbara and I believe her mother must have played a part in this young woman’s confusion.
I think it would be worse if you allowed this to continue.
Your daughter’s sister may need counseling to work through her feelings. You need to maintain your boundaries and not give any false hope that you will be a father to her. Don’t allow her to believe you will be a grandfather to any children she may have.
Sometimes a clean break is the kindest way to do this.” ContentedRecluse
14. AITJ For Being Honest With My Wife About The Dress?
“My wife (F31) has some sort of obsession with being skinny even though she’s clinically and visibly obese. She already is seeing her therapist and doctor about it so she learns to accept her body.
I find her beautiful either way, but she keeps asking me whether I think she’s skinny or not. I tell her that she is not skinny but she is still beautiful because I’m not going to support a delusional idea and enable her dysmorphia.
Today we were at the mall and she tried on this dress and was really excited and told me that she thinks it made her look slim and asked me if I agreed. I told her she looked great in the dress but it doesn’t make her look skinny if that’s what she was going for.
She started crying and screamed at me for body shaming her and never supporting her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ for refusing to describe a person who is clinically obese as ‘skinny,’ assuming she is, in fact, clinically obese.
The situation you describe at the mall is entirely different, though.
Something can be ‘slimming’ and make a person’s body look slimmer, without that person actually being or appearing ‘skinny.’ I’m not 100% sure if that’s what’s going on here, but if you’re withholding positive comments about your wife’s appearance due to the ‘fact’ that she is overweight, YTJ.
If you can’t stomach the word ‘skinny’ or ‘slim,’ find some other meaningful and genuine way to compliment her—e.g., comment on how the outfit enhances a particular feature—if you want to boost her confidence.
You can’t expect her to take ‘you look good, but you don’t look skinny’ as a compliment, and that’s honestly a really upsetting thing to say to someone you love… Especially given the importance that she places in being ‘skinny,’ which you yourself recognize and describe.” lyr4527
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Lying to her isn’t going to help her deal with her dysmorphia. But I would like to recommend that instead of saying ‘You’re not skinny, but you’re beautiful’, change it up and say ‘I don’t care about that. You’re beautiful.’
Answer all leading questions with things like ‘You look great’, and ‘I love that dress on you’ and just avoid mentioning her weight or size at all. If she pushes for a response just say things like ‘I don’t care about that. You look great exactly as you are.’ I don’t mean ignore her or her very real struggles – just do what you can to avoid it as this constant background noise.” RWAdvice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not one bit. So she’s jumping on the ‘body shaming’ bandwagon huh? She needs to educate herself. Body shaming is pointing and laughing saying ‘You’re fat and ugly!’, sort of thing. (Not only that but you get what I mean I’m sure).
Being honest with an obese person saying you’re not skinny when asked is not body shaming. She’s now gaslighting you. And you say you’re not supporting her. Yes, you are! You’re calling her beautiful. Maybe it’s a good idea to let her therapist know that she’s projecting onto you.” 868triniguy
13. AITJ For Eating An Early Dinner?
“I live in a flatshare in a large European city. There are 4 rooms in the flat and we each rent them individually from the landlord.
There is a common kitchen, living room, bathrooms, etc.
Two of my housemates are Muslim and fasting for Ramadan. I’m an atheist, but I’m a firm believer in religious freedom and I don’t care what anyone believes unless they are hurting others.
I mostly work from home and therefore tend to eat a little earlier than others as they all have to commute home.
My two Muslim flatmates have asked me to stop having dinner so ‘early’ because they smell it, see me eat it and apparently, it makes them even more hungry, making Ramadan harder for them. I initially said no and they then asked if I would at least eat dinner in my room so they didn’t have to see it.
I feel torn. On one hand, there is no massive harm to me waiting another 30-45 mins to have my dinner, so I could do a small thing to help them. On the other hand, it is their religious choice and I don’t really see why I should change my behavior.
Am I the jerk for refusing to eat later to make life easier for my Muslim housemates?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
You’re not obliged to make changes to your routine for the sake of your housemates’ religion, but I don’t think they’re out of line in asking for a compromise.
It doesn’t sound like it would take much effort for you to make some changes, which may be the most diplomatic option and could earn you some goodwill if you ask for a compromise from them in the future. I don’t feel they have grounds for complaint if the adjustment doesn’t work for you though, it’s your home as well and you’re not doing anything inherently unreasonable by eating in a shared space.” me-over-thinks
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are but a religious practitioner and are allowed to eat if you are hungry. If Shelley from another religion comes across you eating at any point during the day. YOU. ARE. NOT. THE. JERK! Fasting is an aspect of their religion in which they should have to deal with temptation and resist it.
Is it your job to help them resist? NO. It is their obligation as part of their faith to do that on their own.
It is not your fault if they choose to follow this religion and they find themselves of weak character.” Alpaca_Stampede
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
(Muslim here)
I was strongly NTJ for the entire part until you said that it was 30-45 minutes before their fast breaks. The thing is, that’s usually the time when a person feels the most irritated, hungry, and what have you.
It also depends on how long the fast is in Ramadan in your area/country.
You absolutely do NOT have to comply with their request. That’s for you to decide. Although you could, if you want to, make minor changes like eating in your room or give them a warning that you’re about to cook and eat (and offer them a TINY portion if you guys are frank like that) or eat slightly later or ask them to avoid common areas until you’re done.
I think you get the gist that they’re a million other ways to go about this. I don’t blame you at all for feeling this way. They should exercise control. But fasting is tougher on some than others. You can evaluate or ask if you’re doing something specific that’s bothering them.
Because this is wrong of them. I just wanted to give you an insight on the matter instead of judging you or them to be jerks.” danhemmington
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is just the natural consequence of living with people who don’t observe the same religion.
And I say this as somebody who has many close Muslim friends and family. I don’t think any of them would ever request this – their decision to fast and I think they are pretty used to temptations like these (which, as many have pointed out, is part of the point of fasting).
Nevertheless, I think the issue here is how you want to continue to live with your roommates. If they were aggressive in asking for these things (demanding more than asking), then I think you continue as you are. But if it was a genuinely polite request and you don’t think it makes much difference to you – you may want to consider accommodating for the sake of your relationship rather than standing on principle.
You’re right no matter what you do, so it’s really down to this I think.” TA_totellornottotell
12. AITJ For Not Giving My Grandma's Ring To My Aunt?
“My (27F) grandmother (dad’s mom) was widowed back in the 1980s. She’s an outspoken feminist, taught me how to pour a beer when I was eight.
I talk with her frequently and we call each other ‘best friend’ because she’s perpetually young at heart. Uncomfortably, these acts have branded me ‘her favorite’ within my dad’s side of the family.
Before I left for college (2014), my grandma gifted me a ring.
She said it was ‘for you to take a piece of me with you to school.’ Apparently, this was her engagement ring and she insisted I keep it. It’s very delicate and beautiful. She told me she doesn’t wear it and wants me to have it.
I was scared to wear it at first since it was so precious but eventually came into the habit. Every time I called her at college, she asked if I was wearing it and got excited when I said yes. Her happiness made me happy.
Here’s where it gets ugly.
My paternal aunt (‘Sadie’) heard about the exchange in 2017. I received nasty messages while I was at school from Sadie that I was ‘stealing the last remaining piece of her father’ (late grandfather) and should return it. It belonged to her as the eldest daughter, not the favorite.
I received similar messages from my cousins that she was entitled to it so I asked my dad if I should return the ring. He and my grandma said no. Apparently, my grandma has given said heirlooms over the years that she’s sold so she intentionally gave it to me.
I said ok and never responded to Sadie. I probably should have, but I had finals that week. It slipped my mind, but my dad and grandma made the message clear.
My aunt Sadie and I are not on speaking terms and recently, my grandmother isn’t doing well.
She has dementia and other medical problems. While the rest of my family has banded together, my aunt Sadie saw an opportunity. She is blasting me online and gaining the support of her daughters to get the ring back, claiming my grandma’s dementia and that I’m a gold-digging granddaughter who is cruel.
She’s even blasting my dad online, who is currently in hospital with cancer, over this. My grandma is getting confused and upset. It’s heartbreaking to see her this way. Sadie is exploiting her on other ends too and we are actively trying to mitigate this.
Several people have suggested I just give the ring to my aunt to keep the peace as my grandma is likely in her last year of life. Selfishly, I want to hold onto this tangible piece of her as a constant reminder of us. These friends say I am a jerk for doing this.
I’m no longer sure what to do. With everything, I’ve been having a hard time and am now wondering — AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Keep the ring. Your aunt, cousins, and so-called friends are in the wrong.
Anyone who repeatedly bothers someone who is in the hospital because of cancer over something like this has no moral ground to stand on.
Your aunt is the gold digger and is clearly projecting that onto you. Maybe she feels guilty for having sold the other heirlooms and has realized how short life is; maybe she wants another shiny thing to sell, who knows? Either way, don’t give Gollum the ring.
My own paternal Grandma has given me some beautiful jewelry over the years that belonged to both her and her mother. If I’d sold any one of them, she would never trust me again. Your aunt doesn’t deserve to be trusted.” whiskeygambler
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all! Your grandma gave YOU the ring as a gift because she clearly knew you’d value and cherish it. It belongs to you.
The aunt is a major jerk for even suggesting something like this and causing more pain to your grandma and dad during tough times like this.
Also, she’s just projecting her own ‘gold-digger’ self on you since you stated that she sold off other heirlooms that she received from your grandma.
Also, you’re not selfish for wanting to hold onto the ring. It’s clear how much you value it, so don’t let jerks like the aunt get their way for the sake of ‘keeping the peace.'” Crazybunnylady123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please do not give your ring to your aunt. First of all your grandmother specifically wanted you to have it. There’s no law that says the oldest daughter gets to have it. Further, your grandmother probably rightfully thought that your aunt might sell the heirloom like she did others that she was gifted.
People like your aunt get off on being bullies. Ignore her and block anybody who gives you a hard time about it. Your relationship with your grandmother sounds lovely and wearing her ring is a tribute to that bond you have with her. I’m sorry your dad and your grandma aren’t doing well.
Good luck.” PilotEnvironmental46
11. AITJ For Not Organizing A Bachelorette Party For A Friend Who Didn't Invite Me To Her Wedding?
“My friend (26F), let’s call her Savvanah is getting married late this month in a different city. I (26F) and three of our other friends won’t be able to attend the wedding.
Savvanah didn’t even invite us, probably because she thought since we wouldn’t be able to make it, why even invite them? She just told us about the wedding and other functions leading up to it. It is an Indian wedding, so yeah, there will be a lot of pre- and post-wedding functions, most of which will be in the other town, but some will be in our hometown (where we all are living now).
She didn’t even invite us to those functions that will be in the home town.
Today she called me and asked about her bachelorette. In all honesty, I totally forgot about it, and none of our other friends mentioned it even once, so I told her I’d get in touch with other girls and see what we could do.
When I contacted our other friends, all of them refused. Everyone is saying that if she can’t even invite us to one of her pre-wedding functions or any function, why should we organize anything for her?
Call me dumb, but I didn’t even think about this, but when they mentioned it, I realized she should at least invite us.
I don’t know what is wrong or right. I mean, I understand the social protocol, and technically she should invite us to her wedding or any other functions, but at the same time, I don’t want her to be sad because all her friends refused to organize her bachelorette.
What am I supposed to do? I cannot organize a whole party on my own. My other friends will think of me as a traitor.
AITJ for refusing to organize the Bachelorette?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you can easily send her a message back and say that you aren’t able to plan a bachelorette party for her.
Personally, I would point out that I didn’t feel comfortable with being asked to put in that kind of effort when I hadn’t even been invited as a guest. You know one of those pre-wedding parties is often a ladies’ party where she has her henna done with her friends and female relatives?
You weren’t even invited to that! She has no right to ask this of you.” SnooPets8873
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Regardless of differing cultures, your ‘friend’ is being incredibly entitled to expect people to go to the trouble and expense of planning a party for her when she can’t even bother to invite them to any of the multiple festivities that will be going on, especially the ones that are close to them.
This smells like pure greed and I honestly would just say that you are busy and don’t have the time, if you even respond further on the topic at all. Some levels of rudeness deserve to simply be ignored.” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And it’s fine if you don’t do this. The bride is out of line.
That said. She’s your friend. This isn’t some jerk you are trying to sell a couch to on Craig’s list. You have a decision here, and this is going to be huge for the future of the relationship.
You’d be within your rights to not do the party. But your rights aren’t the whole story of a friendship.
I don’t think I’ve ever floated an olive branch suggestion. Nor sided with crazy brides or grooms. I’m not even suggesting doing the party. I am just suggesting thinking very hard about it and choosing very consciously.” WillBottomForBanana
The one worrying about whether she is ruining your friendship should be the bride.
10. AITJ For Being Cold Toward My Stepmother And Her Pregnancy?
“My (15F) mom died when I was born. My dad went out with people, but none of them stuck until recently. I do think that I might have been part of the reason in some cases, as I know one was upset that I never ‘warmed up’ to her.
I don’t remember ever treating any of them badly, but I was usually not very interested in them. I feel like I don’t need a mom figure and I am happiest doing my own thing.
My dad started seeing Helen 3 years ago and they married a year ago.
Things were difficult at first because it took some time for her to really understand that I do not need mothering and she will not fill that role for me. We finally arrived at a compromise in that she agreed to route all concerns through my dad instead of trying to parent me directly and in return I would spend a reasonable amount of time with her and my dad around schoolwork.
That was working well until she became pregnant several months ago. My dad has said that the medical situation is a little stressful, so I might need to be more understanding of Helen than usual for a while.
Helen seems to be absolutely obsessed with the baby.
It’s all that she talks about lately. I don’t have an interest in the subject, but I let her talk. Because I skipped two grades, I am also graduating high school this year and preparing for college, so I have a lot of other things on my mind.
The Schrodinger’s jerk situation happened this last week at dinner when she was talking about what it’s going to be like once the baby was born. In retrospect, she may have just been looking for validation, but she asked if I was excited about having a baby brother.
I’m not, so I said that I wasn’t.
She asked why and I said that 1) I will be at college by then and very busy, so that will be my focus; 2) I am not fond of babies in general; and 3) Even if siblings were something that I wanted, I do not expect to be involved much with a half-sibling that will have a nearly 16 year age difference.
Helen started crying and said that she doesn’t understand why I’m so cold all the time and she thought that at least I would be happy about the baby and loosen up some. She also asked if it would kill me to show some emotion and concern with how hard this is.
My dad stepped in then but later told me that I really hurt Helen’s feelings and that not caring about Helen or the baby is cruel. He said that even if I don’t like Helen, I should not take it out on my soon-to-be brother by denying him a big sister that loves him.
I don’t really understand the problem to be completely honest and no one here seems to be willing or able to explain. I feel like the answer I gave was reasonable. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are 15 and starting college. Lots of people your age whose parents are still together and having a kid don’t look forward to it.
I had cousins who are annoyed that their parents were having more children.
That said, you probably could’ve worded it a little bit differently, and it would not have killed you to show a little bit of kindness. You’ll learn as you get older that you can be truthful while also wording things in such a way as to minimize hurt feelings.
You are still part of the family and she’s still your father’s wife and you should choose your words more carefully. Good luck.” PilotEnvironmental46
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one is owed your emotional attachment or love. You are in a completely different place than where your father and his wife and baby will be both literally and metaphorically.
A 16-year age gap is enough to be someone’s mom. You are moving off to college and are unlikely to form a close attachment to this child. You may have been a bit aggressively honest but she should not have expected anything other than that because, based on your own words, this is simply your personality.
Helen being pregnant is no excuse for her changing her expectations with regard to you. It’s unfair to you and her. You have made yourself clear with regard to the relationship you’re willing to have with her and because her circumstances have changed she expects you to change.
That’s incredibly unfair.” Foreverforgettable
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are being yourself, and that’s just fine. You may find that you do enjoy having a little sibling, or it may well be that you are not part of that life and it’s never a big part of yours.
Whatever the future holds, you can embrace it. I’m sorry that your dad’s wife feels this way. People come with built-in expectations but it’s not our job to fulfill them. Stay open to everything the world has to offer and continue to nurture yourself as you always have.” Few_Ad_5752
9. AITJ For Not Cleaning My Partner's Breakfast Mess?
“My (m29) partner (f28) is a nurse. She has rotative shifts. That means one week she has the morning shift, the next the afternoon shift, and then the night shift. As the morning shift comes straight after the night shift, she usually has trouble waking up on time to get to work during most of those days she needs to get up early.
We live together in a rather small apartment, she has a 30-minute drive to get to work from home. I work every weekday from 9 to 5.
She has to be in the hospital by 6 AM, so she usually wakes up at around 4:30 or 5 to be able to have breakfast before leaving.
She likes to have a big breakfast as she doesn’t often get to eat anything else until around 2 PM when her shifts are over (this depends on the day, sometimes she has free time and other times she doesn’t). Picture some coffee, orange juice, bacon, eggs, pancakes (or waffles), and maybe like another fruit, cereal, or something else.
She leaves a big mess every morning with different kitchen utensils dirty, she doesn’t get to clean them up because she’s running late.
We moved in together into her apartment in 2020. Back then I didn’t have to work (neither go to the office nor work from home) for a while, but she had to continue working obviously.
So I cleaned up after her when she left. Then I started working from home but the workload was much less than usual, so as I had lots of free time before she got home I cleaned up too.
However, now I have to go back to work at the office (have been doing so since restrictions were lifted).
I now wake up around 7 when she has already left. I don’t like to eat a lot early in the morning so I usually just have coffee for breakfast, maybe a cookie or some pancakes if my partner left any, but nothing else. I don’t clean my partner’s breakfast mess anymore, I just clean my cup and plate if I even use any.
We don’t have a dishwasher.
So my partner complained about me not cleaning after her a while ago, like half a year ago or so. She told me it’s very discouraging to come home and see every pan dirty because I didn’t clean them up when I could easily do it.
At the time, I told her that I had to go to work too, so now it’s not fair that she just doesn’t clean up after herself.
Ever since this has been an ongoing conflict between us. This week we had an argument about this again.
I came home early because of some accident that happened in my office building. Around 1 PM. Then my partner got home and she complained about the dishes still being dirty when I was home. I told her that my cup (I only had coffee that day) was clean and that all of the dirty things were hers.
She got very angry and claimed I never help around, which is false. I’m tired of always arguing about the same thing over and over again. Am I really wrong here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Being a nurse is a demanding job and I’m sure she’s running on fumes but you’re her partner, not her maid.
Not only is she not pulling her weight but she acts entitled and like it is your job to clean up after her. If she lived alone, she would have to do her own dishes like every other adult. Having a job does not absolve you of household duties.
You could stop being sorta petty about it though, communicate with her, and come to an agreement.” CandidCrescent
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. If she’s able to build sufficient time into her schedule to prepare an elaborate breakfast, then she needs to build 10 or 15 extra minutes into that routine to take care of her mess.
It was one thing when you were pitching in more because you didn’t have as many responsibilities outside the house, but she can’t expect you to pull more weight because she can’t manage the demands of her schedule.
This is probably part of a larger discussion, however.
It might be time to sit down and map out how much each of you contributes to the balance of household labor (including the mental/emotional labor of managing it). Who does the laundry? Who does the shopping (grocery or otherwise)? Who does any apartment maintenance?
Imbalances in one area can be offset by one of you pulling more weight in another area, but it’s in your best interest to figure out who does what (and how much that contributes to the overall workload of the house).
Good luck!” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She should understand that with you going back to work, it might not be sustainable for her to make breakfasts like that.
But there are plenty of ways to find a solution together. Get a small bowl for the utensils etc to soak so it’s much easier to clean if left out.
She could clean as she cooks. There is usually plenty of time in between flipping bacon and pancakes to clean as you go. Yeah, it kinda sucks when you start but just make it a habit. You’ll be surprised how much you can clean while cooking.
Also, why is she making such a mess for something that only requires a cast iron, and Pyrex measuring cup for mixing?
Or either of you can wake up 10 min earlier and clean. 10 minutes, maybe 5 that’s all it takes. Why are you arguing over 5 minutes?
Sounds like this I’d actually have a deeper conversation about work/life balance and how you two will navigate this. Because life will only get busier for a bit.” TinyShrimpKorean
8. AITJ For Stepping Over Someone's Dog At A Local Brewery?
“I went out to eat with some friends at a local brewery. We sat on the patio and had a corner spot. I had to pee, there are 2 routes.
One way had a dog laying flat in the middle of the aisle, the other had a larger group and the waiter had a tray out serving.
I had to go and couldn’t wait so stepped over the dog. As I stepped over the dog lifted its head and barked at me.
I’m just like what the heck and kept moving toward the restroom. I come back and the other path is open and went back that way to my seat. As I go to sit down, the owner comes over and says to me don’t step over my dog like that.
I tell him he shouldn’t have his dog laying out in the aisle then. He gets mad and I just tell him to go away. My friends and I pay and leave and the guy took the opportunity to talk more crap to me as I left. A buddy said I should have waited till the other path was clear and not stepped over the dog.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, a dog should not be in the aisle, and we dog owners should do better. It’s like having children in that regard: if you can’t have them not be an annoyance to others, you shouldn’t bring them to restaurants, pubs, etc. Your buddy however is right in the respect that stepping over an unknown dog is not the safest approach.
Dogs tend to hate it and you don’t know if it has behavioral issues and will bite, or not.” Stunning-Cherry-647
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – Be an adult and use your words to request something. You live in a society and these things happen.
You meet obstacles and have to overcome them. They brought their dog/extension of them in both liability and personhood. If it was a person whose chair was pushed out too far what would you do? Instead, you are putting yourself and others in harm’s way.
While dog bites are generally strict liability, why do you want to invite that potential?” atillathehans
Another User Comments:
“NOPE NOPE NOPE—NTJ. Dude let his dog sprawl out in the aisle of a restaurant—WHAT?! The entitlement is off the charts here. If you don’t want people stepping over/around your dog, keep him out of high-traffic areas.
This makes me think of parents who let their kids run wild in restaurants and when someone asks them to watch their kids, the parents say ‘They must hate children’—nope, just parents like you. I’m sure if someone accidentally stepped on the dog, this guy would go ballistic even though HE is the one who let the conditions exist for it to happen.” Different-Sea7523
7. AITJ For Being Uncomfortable Being In The Room While My Dad's Having His Colonoscopy?
“I (24F) had to drive my dad (54M) to his colonoscopy appointment. I think he’s done this a few time before as one of my younger sisters have driven him to his appointment beforehand and she told me all I had to do was sit in the car.
My sister (who was 16 at the time) also told me before this appointment, my dad printed out all his passwords and put them into an envelope in case of emergency during this procedure. I don’t know what this specific appointment entails because my dad didn’t go into detail so it was pretty hard to look up.
He had to do a liquid diet so I’m assuming it’s a colonoscopy. As a side note, I am not fond of hospitals due to some past experiences. I am not like deathly afraid of them but if I don’t need to be in a hospital or a hospital-like space, I’d prefer not to.
This specific place had a waiting room that didn’t have any triggers and a hospital-like area where procedures are done.
I truly don’t mind doing this for my dad despite my own dislike for hospitals, so I drive him there and he mentions I might have to sign paperwork and asks me to come inside instead of sitting in the car.
Okay, fine. I come inside and I’m sitting there with him, headphones on and minding my business. His name gets called and he wants me to follow him to the back. Um. Okay. I follow him to the back there’s a bunch of curtained rooms and nowhere to sit and the nurse instructs him to change his clothes.
I’m really confused so I’m standing outside of the curtained room while my dad changes. He changes into his gown and he wants me to sit in the room with him. I’m finally piecing together this might be the room where the procedure happens but also my dad is essentially exposed, with his cheeks out (he’s a big guy) and I really don’t feel comfortable sitting with him regardless.
The hospital smell is also making me a bit nauseous as well so I told him no, I’m going to sit in the waiting room. He gets really mad and he’s like whisper-yelling at me to sit with him. I say no. At this point and knowing my limits, I feel overwhelmed and overstimulated so I just say no again and I go back to the waiting room.
I feel really guilty. This is probably something that’s really important for his health and I feel like he might even be scared so I get why he asked me to be there but I didn’t want to sit there with him. He didn’t give me any details about this appointment and what it entails (and that’s fair – I don’t need to know the details) but expecting me to know what to do or even be comfortable is asking for too much.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but for future reference, where he was changing was simply a pre-op type area. It is not where the actual colonoscopy takes place (you would not be allowed in the actual procedure room). Usually, a family member is allowed to wait with the patient in the pre-op area before they’re taken to the procedure.
There are sheets and blankets to cover up with while they wait. He probably just didn’t want to wait alone.” MickiTakesAWalk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad should have voiced his expectations early on instead of putting you on the spot like that. What is worse, he only bid you to follow him instead of being honest and telling you he wanted you there for the procedure.
Additionally, he has done this before and it isn’t like he was walking in blind. Also, a colonoscopy to my knowledge is not deadly. Your dad truly needs to learn to respect people’s boundaries and limits and accept when he’s told no.” CandidCrescent
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a person who has had several colonoscopies (in the US, if that matters), there’s no need to have anyone with you in the pre-op area. You change into the hospital gown and get into bed. Someone comes by to brief you on the procedure and fill out some consent forms for the anesthesia.
That’s it. Nothing else happens in the pre-op room. Post-op is a little different. Having a visitor isn’t unusual while you’re coming out of anesthesia.
Your dad sounds like a jerk for making you be in the pre-op area while his butt is hanging out.
The butt doesn’t even need to be out until you’re actually in the operating room! He’s also a jerk for getting mad at you because you weren’t comfortable in that situation. He should be grateful that you gave him a ride. Yeesh. Creepy, too.” afwaltz
6. WIBTJ If I Don't Show Up To A Surprise Birthday Party For Me?
“My (25F) birthday is today. I’ve never been a big surprise/party person, I like to celebrate my birthday by usually doing something a bit quieter that I know I’ll really enjoy. In light of this, I bought tickets for this Friday to see my favorite band.
Bought them almost a full year ago. When I say favorite band, I mean #1 played artist on my Spotify for the past 5 years, cry to in the shower, and know the lyrics to every song favorite band. But I’ve never seen them live! And I’ve had a year to plan.
Even got myself a cute little concert outfit.
Skip to three weeks ago, I mentioned something to my flatmate about how excited I am for the 31st & long story short, she spilled the beans that my friend planned/paid for ‘something’ for that day, and said I should cancel my plans.
The first issue here is, I’m worried about what they have planned. The friend who apparently ‘paid for’ this ‘surprise birthday thing’ is big into getting tables at these London clubs, and that’s very sweet but I’m just not that kind of girl.
And I was waiting for a year for this concert. When I expressed my concerns (just politely saying that I wished someone had asked if I was free) I was met with a surprising lack of sympathy, and again told to cancel ‘whatever I had going on.’
The second issue… because I still did want to do something (small) with my friends for my birthday, I made dinner reservations weeks ago for the day after the concert (Saturday). I told them all and they all said they were looking forward to it.
And I mentioned it more than once, even talked to one of them about it two days ago. I found out today that all three of them made plans without me for Saturday. They’re going to a game together. Everyone forgot about the dinner, no one invited me.
No one’s doing anything tonight for me either. Not that I needed anything… but, you know, who wants to spend their 25th birthday alone?
I’d really rather go to the concert and say screw them. Would I be the jerk if I just ghosted them and ditched my own birthday surprise?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! It is your day and your favorite band. If I ever got hold of tickets to my favorite band, I would not skip it for anything other than an emergency. If they really like you and are your friends, they will understand.
And you say you don’t like surprises either. I think your friends should know better, and this would be a nice opportunity to draw some boundaries. Them planning something without you on Saturday may be because they assumed they would celebrate on Friday, so there may not be anything malicious there, but still, what you want is much more important in this case!” katarastormrage
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are crappy friends who don’t care about your plans or what you want to do. I’d go to the concert and let them all know you had this planned for a year and it was your favorite band. Their poor planning and forgetting the plans you made with them isn’t on you.
They also DIDN’T make these plans FOR YOU. Keep that in mind. They made the plans for themselves because they picked something they enjoy, not you. And they picked it when you already had something you were looking forward to.
Is there anyone else you can invite for the dinner instead?
Any close relatives or other friends who won’t be crappy?
I’d say something before it happens though so they don’t pin crap on you. Just a, ‘Hey, we need to talk. I know you have made plans for my big day and I appreciate it, but it honestly hurts my feelings you planned this knowing I already had plans and was looking forward to it.
I have tickets I purchased over a year ago and I will not be missing them because it’s my favorite band. It also hurts you all forgot the actual plans I made with you all for dinner the day after. I was looking forward to this but it’s clear that my likes and wants for my birthday are not important to you.
I hope you all enjoy the plans you have made, but I will be keeping to my plans. maybe we can plan something at a later date that works better for you.'” thepananabread
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You made plans a whole YEAR ago.
No one asked if YOU had plans. And you’ve been looking forward to this for that long!
Plus your friends were idiots. They confirm they’re going out with you, you confirm it two days ago and now they made other plans?
Tell the ‘friend’ who told you about the party, that they can ‘reschedule’ the surprise party.
You had this date planned a year ago. Remember the saying ‘Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.’
Perhaps there is someone else you can ask to go out on Saturday?
You enjoy yourself with the tickets you bought.” Effective-Several
5. WIBTJ If I Don't Give My Kids Separate Bedrooms?
“I (39F) have two adopted children, Danny (15F) and Caleb (13M). I also have two biological children, Liam (19M) and Jules (17F.)
Danny and Caleb have been with us for about a year and a half. They’re biological siblings who came from a very bad living situation, so there’s a lot of trauma and other things we’ve had to learn how to help with.
They’re both doing so much better now and I’m very proud of them.
Danny is extremely protective of Caleb. She’s loosened up quite a bit, but they’re still very close and she still protects him if she feels she has to.
When they first came to us, they didn’t want separate bedrooms – Danny absolutely refused to leave Caleb every night. Danny and Caleb have shared the biggest room ever since, and we’ve used the room that was going to be Caleb’s room as an office.
Everyone seems fine with this.
Recently, my husband (43M) has brought up to me that he thinks Caleb should move out of Danny’s room. Caleb will be fourteen soon, and in my husband’s own words ‘teenage boys are gonna do teenage boy things, and teenage girls are gonna do teenage girl things, and they’re both going to need their space.’ He brought up that Liam and Jules shared a room when they were younger too, but they got their own rooms when Jules turned ten, and they were both happy about it.
I disagree – while they’ve both made incredible progress, I don’t think Danny is ready for that. From what I understand, she took the brunt of their bad situation in order to protect Caleb, and that’s still affecting how much she protects him now.
She’s all right with Caleb being separated from her at school, but she’s with him all the time at home. They do sometimes need space from each other, and that does happen, but the majority of the time they’re in the same room.
Caleb is also very attached to Danny, and they both seem perfectly fine sharing their room. I feel like we should bring the idea up to them and ask them if they want to have separate rooms, instead of just deciding that it’s time.
My husband disagrees and says that it’s past time and we just need to do it – his idea is to remodel the office room in time for Caleb’s birthday and have that be his main gift.
My husband and I have been arguing over this for about a week.
He thinks Danny and Caleb need their own rooms, I don’t think Danny is ready for that yet. The kids are both healing well, but they’re just not ready for this step. My husband pointed out yesterday that I may be focusing too much on helping with their trauma instead of trying to help them move past it, and now I can’t help but feel that maybe he’s right.
I believe my husband is a jerk for trying to rush the kids into something I don’t think they’re ready for. He believes I’m the jerk for preventing the kids from having their own space and dealing with the past.
So I’m asking for help here: would I be the jerk for letting Danny and Caleb continue to share their room?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, so far. Please bring this up to their counselors first, to get a professional assessment. Then, ask each kid separately. Not together! Separately.
Dad will have to give up his idea of ‘surprise’ and be educated on how people who have had trauma do NOT like surprises.
Dad shows he lacks understanding of the kids’ trauma and current diagnoses. Dad also shows that he prioritizes his own feelings over the actual needs of the actual kids. Put Dad in counseling, too.
You are torn between the kids’ emotional realities and their age-appropriate needs.
Seek guidance from the counselors before approaching kids, then approach the older one first, by herself. Take her answer back to the counselor and move forward from there.” PennyLiner
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ
Under no circumstances should you just force this upon them. It will undo all of the hard work you’ve done to make your home feel like a safe space for them.
Now that being said having some space when it comes to having separate bedrooms is not the worst idea and I think if you’re working with a therapist to help them move past their trauma, it may be best to get their advice on how to approach the conversation.
You would only be a jerk if this is what Caleb wanted and he didn’t know how to disagree with Danny.” coastalkid92
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Forcing these kids to do something they’re not ready for would be awful. They must be talked to and allowed to make their own choice here.
Your husband is arguing like a make-believe future scenario (based on stereotypes and outdated cultural expectations) is a fact. It is not. Ask them. Do not surprise them with anything, ever, unless you are absolutely, 100% sure they both want it. Not what your kids wanted, what THEY want.” Illustrious-Shirt569
I can't imagine either of them wanting to invite friends over and hanging out in a bedroom they share. You could encourage them to invite friends over to make it happen naturally.
4. AITJ For Refusing To Take A Bank Loan For A Family Vacation?
“My (24m) mom told me we were going on vacation early to mid-summer. I’m currently in college living almost paycheck-paycheck. I told my mom that I would try to save enough funds for it but I probably wouldn’t be able to afford it.
She got mad at me and told me I should go anyway. She suggested I take a bank loan. I don’t even think a bank would approve that loan not to mention I would have to pay it back which will strain me even more.
I apologized and told her it probably couldn’t happen then she got even more mad for not trying to take a loan out. My dad and siblings agree that if I can’t afford it, don’t go but a couple of family members agree with my mom, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Wow, your mom is asking you to take a loan for a trip? It’s already hard enough to pay back loans, but she wants you to take one for something that’s not really important?
NTJ. You’re already living paycheck to paycheck, things are hard, and if you add a loan on top of that it would be difficult to survive.
If she wants you to go that much, then she should pay for your expenses.
Personally, I won’t ever get a loan unless it’s a life-or-death situation. I see how my parents and other family members are struggling with paying back the loan for their car and home.
Usually, parents would tell their kids to try and save up for anything they want and not to take a loan unless it’s extremely crucial.
Hold your ground and don’t listen to anyone telling you to get a loan for something that’s not important.
Because YOU are the one who is going to struggle financially to pay back the loan with interest. It’s not their money and it’s not them who will be struggling so they don’t care.” Rxynax
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. You’re a grown adult who can make your own decisions and if your decision is not to go into debt to finance a family holiday that you’ve been ‘told’ you have to go on, then your mother will have to accept it.
Don’t give her the opportunity to bully you into it. Tell her that you are absolutely not going to strain your already meager finances to pay for a family holiday and if she so badly wants you to go, then she can pay for you herself.
I suspect this will stop the nagging to an extent.
The fact also remains that she shouldn’t be telling you you have to go regardless. It’s a decision for you to make, not her. Stay strong and put your foot down.” Illustrious_Hat_9177
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Your mum should be understanding of your financial circumstances before planning any kind of vacation that includes you. Trying to persuade you to take out a bank loan is completely irresponsible of her and I would make it very clear that you have no reason to do so at this time.
Please put your foot down, it seems to me that your mother is used to getting her own way and the people backing her are simply doing so because they may have been ‘fed’ a one-sided story that put your mother in their favor. Putting your financial security in jeopardy in order to appease a family member is never the right way to go about things… I would know.” jasminlou99
3. AITJ For Wanting To Have Some Of My Late Father-In-Law's Kitchen Supplies?
“My FIL died very unexpectedly 3 weeks ago, everyone was devastated. Now that the funeral is over my MIL has been going through his things. My FIL loved to cook it was his favorite thing to do. He got himself a ton of nice pots/pans/cutting boards all different types of kitchen gadgets you get the point.
I also love cooking so I thought that some of that stuff would be the perfect thing to have in our home to remember him by.
MIL was over, dropping off FIL’s golf clubs for my husband so I asked about the cooking supplies. She said she gave all the fancy stuff to SIL since she just moved into her new condo and cooking was her and her dad’s thing.
They would cook together and go to cooking classes together. I get that but I asked MIL if I could also get some of it to have in our home and cook with to remember FIL by.
She said but she has already given it to her.
I reminded her that we had a fairly new home too we were trying to furnish and it was unfair for her to get everything it should have been split evenly or we could have all gone through it together and split it up. She once again said sorry she already gave it to her and reminded me about an event that happened a few years ago.
Here’s where I may be the jerk, after SIL moved home from college she had a ton of apartment and kitchen stuff from her apartment at school. When my husband and I moved into our first apt we took almost all of it. Then I had my bridal shower a few months later.
I got a bunch of new stuff and threw out all of SIL’s old stuff. It was years old at that point so I didn’t think she would want it back. When she and her partner moved into their first apartment she was mad that she had to buy all new things and it was a big deal in the family.
We gave them a very nice housewarming gift.
But this has nothing to do with that. Those were plates and dishes this is pro chef equipment that belonged to FIL. We were close to FIL too and would like to have something to remember him by, she isn’t even the one who hosts holidays in the family.
Wouldn’t it be nice to know I prepared Christmas dinner with FIL’s supplies? I sent SIL a text saying so and she never replied but my husband told me while he thinks it should have been split 50/50 he just wants me to drop it.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Let MIL, SIL, and your husband divide their husband and father’s stuff how and when they see fit. You don’t have any claim to it. It’s fine asking for something for sentimental reasons, but you’re not owed anything.
MIL’s reasoning makes perfect sense to me here, so YTJ for pushing it.
Also, I’m assuming MIL still lived in their shared home? How much stuff are we really talking about?
Also incredibly rude of you not to ask SIL whether or not she wanted her college stuff before you threw it out. You seem to have lots of entitlement towards other people’s stuff.” hardhart12
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You aren’t entitled to things just because you want them. They’ve already been given to SIL and your husband isn’t interested in pushing the issue. So take no for an answer and move forward. It’s not like you don’t have the ability to prepare Christmas dinner if you don’t have FIL’s supplies.
Also, you took all of SIL’s things then got more and threw out her things without even considering giving them back? Imagine how they’d worry that you’d do the same thing with FIL’s supplies.” Weekend_Breakfast
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You should not even be a part of the conversation.
Your MIL went through her deceased spouse’s things and chose some things for her children that she thought would be meaningful for them. Golf clubs for your husband, presumably because he plays golf. Cooking supplies for your SIL, because as you said, she and her father loved to cook together.
It’s nice if you like to cook too, but you are not one of the children. If your husband was passionate about cooking and baking, did all the cooking in your house, and loved hosting huge elaborate banquets where he was the chef, I’m guessing your MIL would have split the cooking supplies.
But I think it’s honestly greedy of you to bring this up.” avocadosdontbite
2. WIBTJ If I Refuse To Babysit My Landlord's Children?
“I (25F) live in a large city and stay in a family’s basement for over $1300 a month. They have been nice but we don’t really talk at all which is fine with me. I moved in around Feb and I mostly keep to myself and just go to work.
My landlord (50s M) told me they would be leaving to go out of the country because his parent was in critical condition. He took his entire family with him which is his wife and kids. They asked me to look out for packages and stuff while they’re gone which is not a big deal so I said okay and to have a safe flight etc.
A week later (today) he texts me and says his kids would be coming back but not him about a week from now. He asked me to take his kids to school until he gets back. I don’t know when exactly that is.
The reason I think I might be the jerk is because I think it’s an insane request to ask a tenant that just lives here and I don’t know if they have any other family here.
But I also know we live in a high-cost-of-living area and this house is probably worth more than I could ever afford so I don’t see why it’s my responsibility to take care of my landlord’s children, he could probably pay for a ride-share service or something else.
For reference the kids are at least 17 I believe. My mom says I’m a jerk for not being helpful and that it’s selfish.
I have a job that I can work from home and maybe have time to take them (I start about an hour after I would take them to school).
I haven’t called him about it yet because I feel bad but like I said I have a full-time job and live in a big city. If I want to go into the office or am required to for anything (I had already made plans to go into the office next week for something I have to do for example) I don’t have time to take them because it takes over an hour to get there.
I genuinely think it’s an insane thing to ask a random tenant to do without consideration of my job or my life, he just said ‘I won’t be coming back and I need you to take my kids to school for an undisclosed amount of time.’ Granted I have not called him yet to hear more and the circumstances are out of his control so I don’t know if I am the jerk and should take his kids to school.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That’s definitely a ridiculous request. You’re not a house sitter or nanny. You are paying them for housing, they are not paying you for childcare. Looking out for packages is one thing but being responsible for someone’s children?
That’s a huge responsibility and not something a landlord should ask of a tenant at all honestly but especially without offering compensation. He should have called you to ask and offered compensation in return for you taking his kids to and from school. Sending a text basically just telling you that this is happening is super weird.
It’s tricky since you live there and you definitely don’t want to get on the family’s bad side, but you are 100% ok to refuse this request and to think it’s a crazy thing to ask!” ZsaZsaJGabor
Another User Comments:
“Your mother, who has presumably raised children, has clearly taken leave of her senses.
How can you possibly be responsible for kids when you don’t know the name of their doctors, their friends, emergency contacts, or even the rules that Dad wants enforced? What do you do if they get into trouble at school or don’t want to do their homework or need money for something or another?
I know Dad is having an emergency but if you actually want to do this crazy thing he needs to spend an hour reviewing everything, plus potentially providing pay for their care. Depending on whether this is a day or two or a month or two you should be compensated as well, explicitly and in writing.
Almost forgot… NTJ.” Right_Bee_9809
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ but for a completely different reason one might not think of, car insurance. I seriously don’t think taking kids to school for a few days is a huge deal, but IF by any horrible chance, you would have an accident, this could get very messy.
It may very well be a spur-of-the-moment thing. Landlord’s parent may be very sick and the kids need to get back to school. They really may not know anyone else. He probably did a check on you, and trusts you with his kids. For your information, Neighbor drove another neighbor somewhere, was in an accident, and in the long run ended up financially screwed (even with insurance) for the 12-mile ride they gave.” Wishiwashome
1. AITJ For Keeping My Friend's Cat After She Left Him With Me For Months?
“I (F23) have a now former friend, Emma (F23). We were quite close friends throughout high school and college.
Around 5 months ago in October, Emma broke up with her partner and temporarily stayed with me and my fiancé at our place until she found somewhere else to live.
She stayed with us for around 2 weeks I think, I don’t fully remember how long it was.
When she stayed with us, Emma brought her cat, Ted. She adopted him in 2020. He’s around 7 years old now.
When Emma left our place, she didn’t bring Ted with her.
She didn’t even say anything about it, just one morning we woke up and she and all her belongings were gone and she left a note saying she went to go stay with her parents but Ted was still here.
I called Emma many times but didn’t get an answer.
She didn’t respond to me for around a week and told me that she can’t bring Ted to her parents’ house because her dad is allergic to cats, and asked if we could please look after Ted until her living situation is better. I agreed at first but after a couple of weeks, Emma stopped responding to my messages or calls.
I was honestly dumbfounded about what to do. My fiancé was really mad at Emma and said that she needs to stop being a jerk and take responsibility for her own cat and I can’t help but agree.
We didn’t hear anything from Emma for another 5 months which brings us to now.
After the first 2 months passed with no contact, we assumed Emma no longer wanted Ted as she never responded to my texts or calls.
My fiancé and I have never really discussed wanting a cat, we aren’t really ‘cat people’, but Ted has grown on us over time and we’ve become quite attached. He’s a lovely-natured cat and seems really happy here living with us.
Since then, I’ve gotten Ted neutered, microchipped, and paid all his vet bills.
Yesterday, Emma rang me out of nowhere and said that she is coming on Sunday to pick up her cat. I told her ‘You mean my cat?’ I told her she can’t just abandon him and expect me to be happy to hand him over back to her like nothing happened.
Emma argued with me and said that she didn’t abandon Ted, she was unable to keep him due to things out of her control and that’s not her fault. I said it’s not my fault either and I had to take responsibility for him this whole time.
She started crying and said she just wants her cat back and that I’m being cruel, and that she had other things going on. She begged me to give Ted back to her.
I told her no and that Ted isn’t her cat anymore and that her actions have consequences and she should deal with it.
Emma hung up the phone and since then I’ve not heard anything from her. I’ve gotten a few messages from our mutual friends asking what happened and saying that Emma is telling everyone that I stole her cat.
I’m feeling guilty now and wondering if I was being too harsh on Emma.
I know she was going through a difficult time and everything. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The microchip is in your name. You paid for vet bills for the cat’s well-being. The cat is legally yours now in most states. Not only that, but the cat is better off with you in a stable living situation than someone who flaked on him and didn’t answer phone calls for months on end.
Heck, she wouldn’t have even known if Ted escaped or died because she didn’t communicate with you.
If I had to leave my cat somewhere for some reason, I’d be visiting them constantly and leaving everything they could ever need with the person who was caring for them as well as covering all expenses.
She did none of that.” NorthernLitUp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She abandoned Ted without warning and refused to communicate with you until 5 months later. It would be a different story if she had paid for Ted’s food, litter, and vet bills, as well as stayed in communication about when she would retrieve Ted.
I had to leave my cat with my parents for 7 months because of a change in living situation, so I sympathize with Emma. But unlike her, I asked about my cat every day and visited when I could. There was never any doubt I was coming back for him.
Emma wasn’t a responsible owner and it sounds like you and your fiance will be much better for Ted. Best of luck, OP.” drmonkeyfish
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Someone who can leave their cat for five months with no check-ins, visits, etc., is not fit to be the owner of a cat.
They’re living creatures, not toys. Had Emma asked permission to leave the cat with you and maintained contact, this would be a murkier situation. But flat-out abandoning the cat for 5 months makes the morality pretty clear. What’s to stop her from abandoning him again if things get inconvenient?
Plus it’s unfair to Ted to be constantly rehomed.
Explain the situation to your friends and tell them that you think it is in Ted’s best interest to remain where he is.” Charming-Barnacle-15
