People Break Promises In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Being Upset When My Partner's Mom Brought A Dog To My Cat-Friendly House Without Notice?
“My (33m) partner (35f) and I both don’t have vehicles (partner can’t legally drive due to seizures and I’m just saving up for one), so her mom helps bring her to and from my house and my partner’s house.
I always offer to pay for gas or give her some cash or buy her something as a thank you (because I make a decent amount more than her family) – she always says no.
(Note for context: I am not a dog person, I was attacked by one when I was like 9yo, but I still fully respect dogs, I just won’t own one.
I own my house and they rent. I’m a single dad with a 5yo kid, and have two cats.)
However, the last 2 times she came and picked up my partner from my house, she brought over one of her dogs, but didn’t tell anyone she was.
The first time I didn’t care because the dog stayed outside. But the second time, I just see her standing in my entryway/front door with one of her dogs under her arm. I, knowing she is helping us out and how people treat their dogs like actual human children, politely say “next time, tell me if you bring a dog over, please.
This is not a dog-friendly house, I would at least like to put my two cats up.”
She proceeds to tell me how it is okay she brought the dog over to my house without my permission, how THIS dog doesn’t bite, won’t get into anything, and that my kid would love to play with a puppy; then proceeds to not hear what I was saying and just sets the dog down in my house.
The first thing the dog does is go straight for my cats’ litter boxes and tries to get in them. At this point, her mom is laughing and saying ‘everything is fine, dogs eat cat poop all the time, you won’t have to clean it this week!’ As I try to get her dog away from the litter boxes, I notice my partner’s mom is nowhere to be seen.
Then I hear my partner’s mom in MY room (the door was shut) halfway under my bed trying to get my main coon out to “play with the puppy” (I shut the door because I didn’t want my partner’s mom in my room).
I am angry at this point because I don’t want anyone going into my master bedroom especially when the door is shut, so I sternly tell her “Leave my cats alone and leave my room please, you are not allowed in here, that’s why the door was shut.” After I tell her that, she gets uptight and says I don’t have to be so rude and she doesn’t know my house rules.
After they leave, I tell my partner and she gets mad at me and proceeds to tell me to “not to be so uptight about your rules in your house” and how “Mom just wanted to play with your cats” and “I shouldn’t be upset, Mom always goes into people rooms even if the door is shut.”
AITJ for being mad at them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is your house and even if you would have told her, you didn’t want her to bring a dog into your house at all you would not be a jerk. Asking for a heads-up is really kind of you.
She was being very disrespectful to you and your house. You need to have a very serious talk with your partner about mutual respect and that her mom is a guest in the house and should act like it.” Useful-Importance664
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I don’t even go in my own family members’ room without their consent.
She came with her dog to your house when she probably knows you aren’t a dog person. It’s disrespectful of her to go in your room without your authorization and even more to fetch your cat. It seems pretty obvious to me that a cat hiding under its master’s bed in these circumstances isn’t comfortable around dogs, strangers, or both.
No matter how much she helps you it doesn’t give her a special right to go over basic rules of politeness.” Next_Complaint_6154
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in any way. There is nothing even remotely acceptable in what happened here. I’d give serious consideration to how your future will look with a woman who will take her mother’s side over yours even when she has crossed some major boundaries.
Ask your partner this: Without using the phrase ‘that’s just how she is!’ or any variation, please explain to me exactly why you think it’s acceptable for your mother to go into anyone’s private space without permission. If she starts to realize her mother’s behavior is not ok then there may be hope for you both but expect a war with MIL when you are firm with her.
If she doubles down on it being ok cause ‘it’s only her mum and she doesn’t mean any harm and she wasn’t going through your stuff’ then it’s time to think about what you want for your future regardless of your feelings for your partner.” Binky_kitty
21. AITJ For Not Letting My Neighbors Use My Inflatable Pool?
“My pool is one of those temporary inflatable pools that you can pick up from one of those home improvement stores (Home Depot/Lowes) which is only about 3 1/2 feet deep, about 10ft long, and about 3 3/4 feet wide.
My neighbor asked me if they could use my pool to which I said that you can easily pick up one of these pools for about $350, and is VERY easy to set up as long as your yard is fairly flat (hers wasn’t).
I told her that I don’t feel comfortable with her family using my pool when I wasn’t home, and also reminded her that if her son is so terrified of my dog then why should he even be on my property?
And ANOTHER reminder that they can get a pool from one of said hardware superstores.
I have an 8ft privacy fence, with a locked gate plus this pool has a lockable cover, I should also mention that I have security cameras should EM and ES enter my once again GATED property.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My parents live on a lake. Somebody jumped the fence to fish in their lake. Thing is, the lake is full of gators (South Florida) and it didn’t end well. My parents escaped that lengthy legal battle with a sign that said “no trespassing”.
Had they not had that sign, they would be absolutely in trouble. Add a sign. Fences, locks, and cameras apparently aren’t enough. But a 1 foot by 1 foot sign will save you millions.” LilaJax22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. You would be legally liable if anything happened to her family while they were using your pool.
You don’t want that responsibility, especially when you aren’t home to supervise things. She just wants to use your pool for free because she doesn’t want to travel to the nearest public pool. She also doesn’t want the expense of getting her own pool. It is too bad she’s so cheap.
Tell her to go play in the lawn sprinkler.” Sea-Confection-2627
20. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner's Mom To Move To The Same Country As Us?
“I (27F) recently moved to another country with my partner (28M). I used to live alone before coming to this new country, but my partner always lived with his mom. She is adorable but I have never agreed with the way she treated him: she cooked, put his clothes in the wardrobe, and made his bed (every day).
He used to wake her at midnight to cook dinner if she did not leave something served and she even prepared his office outfit when he had to go to the office. He always was sure that ‘his mom lived with him’ since he paid the rent, but he never was in charge of any of the paperwork or functions of the house (even the supermarket).
Since we moved together, it’s been a challenge. I am finishing a PhD, working in a multinational company, and being in charge of the house facilities. As I am used to being independent, for me it’s not a big deal, but we have seen some improvements in our relationship since he’s been more and more involved in (his & his mom’s words) “woman’s tasks”.
Notice: he always lived with his mom even after his parents got divorced 10 years ago and she always treated him like this. No partner before me.
Baby steps like going to the supermarket together or him making his own breakfast have been happening in the last 6 months and he has opened his mind and become more adult.
I am going on a 2-month trip and this is the first time ever he is going to live alone and be independent in daily life tasks. I am very happy because I know this opportunity will be very good for him and even he is expecting it.
But, the other night I heard his mom is planning to move to the same country as us, and I saw his old ways back again in our lifestyle. Of course he did not mention it to me as (from what I heard) it’s a 3-year plan, but I am expecting him to bring this up in a conversation at any time.
I know she is not going to live with us but of course will take any opportunity to join us at any event. She is very intense and I am scared that she will try to be ‘his maid’ again and he will allow it.
If he asks I would say “no” but wouldn’t tell him why because I know he wouldn’t like my reasons (he never says anything bad about her & his behavior) but even if he insists I am willing to not continue with the relationship because my mental health would suffer.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You really can’t stop her from moving to your country. What you can do is set stern boundaries on what you’ll tolerate from her. No cleaning your house, no daily visits, and no meddling in your relationship or finances. Whatever you don’t feel comfortable with.
Make it very clear to your SO these things are deal breakers in your relationship. Does MIL know anyone in your country? Does she speak the language? Can she afford to live in your country? These are ways your MIL will manipulate and invade your life.
Start preparing for that conversation now.” Gordonoftheearth
Another User Comments:
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting things, jerk behavior is what you DO about them! A healthy response to these wants is to have a frank and honest discussion with him about how you don’t want to go back to her being part of the household.
You need to make it clear to him that your mental health and her presence are no longer compatible, and no matter how much you love each other, if he hurts you by not respecting this boundary you’ll probably have to leave for your own well-being.
There is nothing jerk about communicating clearly and setting reasonable boundaries, and then it’s on him to decide if he’s on your side or not. No matter what he chooses, YWNBTJ, because a relationship is a partnership of equals and he has the right to choose something over you just as much as you.
An unhealthy response would be to try and sabotage her moving or make demands of him as if he’s not an equal partner in your relationship. There’s a fine line between “If you make this choice, I can’t be part of this relationship” and “Do this or I’ll break up with you.” The first recognizes that he is his own person who has the right to make his own choices and you have the right to react to those choices in turn, the second treats him as an inferior partner who has to obey your orders or be punished.” ChaoticNeutralDragon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I get the sense that you are mothering him and perhaps, you don’t realize it. A mother assists her child in becoming an adult gradually and taking on adult tasks like cooking and cleaning and going to the grocery. He may have subtly moved you into that role without realizing it.
If he was intent on becoming a fully functioning adult, he would craft his own plan with your help. He would develop the skill sets he needed. You are accepting the lowest level of behavior and struggling against the mother to move him forward. Have you asked yourself, when in your plan do you expect him to be a partner in your relationship rather than an overgrown child?
How many years are you willing to invest?” feminist1946
19. AITJ For Being Upset My Brother Sold Our Sentimental Family Car For Profit?
“I (49f) have 2 older brothers (58 & 51). We live in different states and see each other once a year. We are fairly close. When I went away to college, our father gave me his old car – a 1973 Volkswagen Karmann Ghia.
He had the car since we were all kids so there are some family memories with the car. It was in pretty good condition. I’ve kept the car for 30 years – had it restored, new ragtop and upholstery. It’s a beautiful car and worth some money.
Since I don’t drive it much, I decided to sell the car. I wanted to offer it to my family first at what I thought was a fair price. My one brother wasn’t interested, but the other wanted to purchase the car. I sold him the car for below what I could have gotten because I knew it had sentimental value and he would enjoy driving it.
Much to my dismay, I recently discovered he sold the car to a total stranger for $15,000 more than what he paid me. I’m angry and now we are fighting. AITJ??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When my late husband died, his sister begged for the 1930s Chevy we had.
I gave it to her. (She also wanted the fedora he wore while driving it). So sentimental, right? And could her son have the bored-out Harley? He loved his uncle SO MUCH and was gonna take riding lessons! (Kid is in his late 20s). Nope.
They both sold the vehicles and then tried to sue me for the entire “estate”. Jerks are everywhere when there is money to be made. NTJ.” justcelia13
Another User Comments:
“More info needed. NTJ if you told your brother you were intending to sell it, expected to get $XXX for it, but were willing to sell to him for less if he wanted to keep it personally, and he understood all that, led you to believe that he wanted to keep the car, and then immediately sold it anyway.
If all that is accurate then he’s the jerk and you’re not. However, if you simply offered to sell it to him at a low price he may have just thought you didn’t want to deal with the hassle of selling to a stranger and he made it work for him; or he could have thought it was a good idea at the time but quickly realized he has no time in his life to drive around a fun car or nowhere to keep it, etc.; or he may have driven it around, realized he really didn’t feel sentimental about it, and decided not to keep it after all.
A hundred scenarios could be true here where there’s really no jerks here.” RealTalkFastWalk
Another User Comments:
“What was the agreement when you sold it? I ask because I may be buying a vintage car from a family member and they mentioned I’d have to “keep it in the family”.
My response was, “that’s fine but since I’m paying for it, I won’t be giving it away, whoever I sell it to next in the family will have to pay fair value for it too, as I am now”. If no one wants to buy it (if/when I decide to sell), then I have no responsibility to hold on to it just because no one in the family wants to buy it.
I am *not* planning to buy in order to flip. But may find myself outgrowing the car as I age. What was the agreement if any? And are you certain he didn’t reach out to anyone in the family. Are you mad you didn’t charge him more and lost out on the value?” AdventureKins
18. AITJ For Being Upset My Friends Publicized My Private Cancer Diagnosis With A Fundraiser?
“I have a gynecologic cancer and it’s been extremely embarrassing for me. My close friends know this. I have not been public with my diagnosis. Two of my friends created a “fundraiser t-shirt” with my name and my favorite animal/design style on it.
They posted it on their social media pages (both with people I don’t want knowing about my diagnosis on their friends list) and started selling shirts as a surprise for me.
I am deeply humiliated and extremely mortified. I am shaking with anger. I would NEVER have wanted support in this way and have been crystal clear about how embarrassing my diagnosis is and how to best support me.
I wasn’t supposed to know about it but luckily another friend didn’t read that part of the post and asked me about sizing, then she sent me the screenshot when I said I didn’t know what she was talking about. I promptly asked both to take it down immediately and told them I knew their intentions were good but this is not okay.
They have tainted my favorite animal/design and I will never not see it and think of stupid cancer. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Noooope. NTJ. Cancer is quite the way to learn about who you can trust and who your real friends are.
Doing something intrusive like not listening to your wishes in the guise of being “nice” doesn’t absolve them from responsibility. If they can put all that effort into something you didn’t request, they can do right by you. Cancer affects everyone involved differently, and your wishes as the patient should be respected above all.
Full stop.” TheTrapMarilyn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in any way shape or form… my mum had breast cancer, had to have one removed. She hated it. She only ever told people if she absolutely had to, she didn’t want anyone to know. She told her boss of course and they gave her a year off paid so she could get treatment and recover without any stress of trying to get time off.
She made it clear by email that she didn’t want anyone in the office knowing of her cancer. After radiotherapy and the surgery, my mum after 9 months wanted to go back to work as she was sick of being at home and wanted to stop thinking of cancer.
They let her. She turned up at work and noticed everyone asking how she is and just being overly nice. She asked her boss what was going on and the dipstick said “I felt people would have questions about you being off so long so I told everyone and made sure to tell them not to ask questions.” My mum burst into tears and then left for the day.
This is something YOU are dealing with no one else, it’s up to you who knows and who doesn’t. It’s up to you how you want to deal with it, those people aren’t friends! To be honest my guess is they wanted to do it to make themselves look good and get credit for stuff.” panicattackcity91
Another User Comments:
“I want to make it perfectly clear your diagnosis is not embarrassing and there is no need for embarrassment. It makes me so sad to think of what you’re dealing with and feel embarrassed on top of it. You did not do anything wrong or bad to get this disease.
You did not cause this. That being said, how you feel and what information you want out there about YOU and YOUR health, is YOUR decision. If that’s what you are feeling about it, I’m not going to tell you how to feel.
This is uniquely your experience. If you’ve discussed with your friends you find it embarrassing or would just like to keep it private no matter the underlying reason, they are 100% jerks for doing what they wanted. I find that some people try to make others cancer about them for attention.
This sounds like that. NTJ OP. You’re in my prayers.” [deleted]
17. AITJ For Wanting To Leave My Unstable Home And Join The Air Force?
“I’m 18, soon to graduate, and am set to go to a school in my hometown. I never wanted to go there, my mom did.
I’ve wanted to get out of her house because I believe it is unstable and not a great place to go to school. This is reinforced by the fact her partner is a heavy drinker and on numerous occasions we’ve had the cops called to our house because of the arguments.
He once almost dropped a safe on my foot as well (he was heavily intoxicated).
My plan if I leave is to go to my father’s house to 1: cool down mentally and 2: plan the next move. I am also looking into the Air Force to learn how to be a competent adult and self-sufficient.
Whenever I try to level with her she says what I’m doing is disrespectful, sinful, stupid, every negative thing you could say. She makes me question reality sometimes. Am I in the wrong here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you’ve made some good choices.
And service in the Air Force will provide you with the funds to pay for school. It sounds like your mother is being bitter because she’s losing control of you. The fact that you’re going to a college that she wanted to attend suggests control issues to me.
I don’t believe that your mom wants what’s best for you at all. She wants what’s best for her. And even if she did want what’s best for her, can you trust her judgment to know what’s best for you? Look at her partner. I rest my case.” RighteousVengeance
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you have a good plan…now, start gathering your important paperwork (tax info, birth certificate, passport if you have one) and stash them away. If you have funds in a bank account that Mum has access to, withdraw it and put it somewhere safe with your documents…you can open a new account in your name only once you move.
Will your dad be ok with you getting mail sent to his address? Change school stuff etc to there. Don’t try and get your mum to see your side, she never will. Play dead duck when it comes to it….agree with her, avoid the conversation.
Most important.. have a leaving day plan. Pack in secret and leave in secret…let her know where you are once you arrive. Stay safe and have an amazing life full of the love and adventure and joy you deserve.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but OP, please make sure that whatever you choose as your occupational specialty in ge AF is something that translates to real-world stuff.
Like IT, police force, etc. My nephew did 5 years in loading bombs on planes. When he got out, he obviously couldn’t get a job loading bombs, so now works behind the deli at a grocery store. Honestly, join AF and ask for Logistics, Military/Defense Attache, or Diplomatic Corps.
You won’t see much action, and those skills transfer to the real world. Stay in for 20 years. You can even see if you can be recommended for OCS school and become an officer. You’ll retire at 38/39 years of age with full benefits, including health care.
Then you can go to school for free and do what you want.” sptfire
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Give My Parents $1000 Of My Tax Return?
“I (22f) am forced to give my parents $1000 of my tax return. I live with them but they don’t pay for my school anymore so they can’t claim me. So my dad took their taxes and my taxes into his tax guy. They ended up having to pay $1500 and I got $2700 back.
So my parents want me to essentially pay most of their taxes this year since I got money back.
This is the first time I’ve ever gotten tax money back. I’ve always had to pay taxes so when I heard I was getting that much back I was excited. Now, not that much.
At my current full-time job, it would take me 2 months to make $2700. While it would take my parents roughly two weeks to make that much. I just don’t feel like I should have to give them almost half my tax return just because they don’t want to pay the full $1500.
What do you think? Am I being selfish by wanting to keep my money or are they right and I should give it to them?”
Another User Comments:
“Need more context. You’re 22 and live with your parents. Just because they don’t pay your tuition anymore is really irrelevant.
Do you pay rent? Do you pay bills? Do you buy your own food? Do you pay for your own healthcare? If you’re paying your FAIR share of the household expenses, and completely supporting yourself, then NTJ, you’re good, you keep your tax money.
But if you’re basically just living off your parents’ generosity, then the right thing to do now that you have a windfall is to make a household contribution. If you insist on keeping every last penny to yourself, then use it for a security deposit on your own apartment.” PassengerNo772
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your parents overstepped by taking your stuff and filing your taxes. In the future, make it clear that you do not want them involved in your taxes and maybe contact the accountant they used to let them know that they do not have your permission.
BUT you’ve said that you do not pay rent while living with your parents and they covered the cost of your filing, so them asking for $1,000 does not seem unreasonable, especially when you compare the annual cost of rent and utilities if you lived on your own.
Stand up for yourself and let your parents know that you will handle your finances/taxes from now on.” dominiqlane
Another User Comments:
“Whether you already pay them rent or not is irrelevant. Whatever the agreement was on this living arrangement, if you’re fulfilling it, that’s all that matters.
Did they say “you can live here rent-free, but whatever your tax return is this year you’ll pay us instead of rent”? If not, then no. They don’t get to just demand something because you got it and they’re jealous. You owe fewer taxes than they do for good reason, that’s your money.
Now, they can also say “ok this isn’t working for us anymore, you need to contribute $1000 or move out”. And then you get to decide if the living situation is worth that to you. Or you can take your money and find your own place.
Why did they have access to your tax information in the first place? Sounds to me like you could all benefit from a little distance and independence.” SummitJunkie7
15. AITJ For Limiting My Daughter's Ex's Visits To Our Home?
“My daughter (18f) has a 2yo son with her ex-partner (18m) and the 2yo lives with us. Since the 2yo is with us, the ex is always at our house. Since he and my daughter aren’t in a relationship, and their son is 2 now, I decided the ex doesn’t need to be here so much.
I told him to start coming twice a week, preferably on the weekends. He got upset. He went on about how it wasn’t even fair that their son lived with us and if I’m going to do this, he’s going to take my daughter to court.
Now my daughter is upset. She’s mad about the threat of a custody battle and possibly losing her full-time with him. Somehow this is all my fault and I need to fix it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you are essentially taking this father’s parenting time away from him.
If you don’t want him in your house, that’s fair, but he’s still entitled to time with his child – is it important he needs to be supervised with the child? Is there a reason he’s not being allowed to take parenting time with his kid out of your house?
Most fathers are capable of taking solo care of their own children, if your daughter could step up at 18, he can step up at 18. Since you’ve started this, I hope you will pay for the lawyer your daughter will now need.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“I would say YTJ for not discussing it with your daughter beforehand to see if there was a way maybe he could pick your grandson up or find a way to alleviate him always being there without banning him from the house his child lives in.
It seems like they were being mature and co-parenting pretty great for teen parents who aren’t together by trying to make sure their son has both parents actively involved, but now there’s a lot of unnecessary tension. Hopefully, you can make things right with them before any more legal discussions are made as a threat, rather than a mutual decision.” Ok-Positive13
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. 1) You unilaterally decided to jeopardize your daughter’s custody over her child (and your grandchild) because you didn’t have the forethought to realize that by denying the ex access to his child he’d take your daughter to court. I hope y’all have funds for a good lawyer.
2) If having the ex around so often was a concern, it should have been discussed with your daughter first. She’s an adult and has insight into the co-parenting dynamic that you do not. It’s strange that you bypassed her completely on this. 3) It’s her (and your grandson’s) home too.
Even if you own it and they are just staying with you, it doesn’t matter. Legally she resides there, and she deserves to have a sense of security for herself and her son in the place that she lives, and that includes the unencumbered ability to raise and co-parent her son however she sees fit.
If you have a problem with how she lives that can’t be amicably resolved, you should ask her to move out, and once she does then you can claim “my home my rules”. But until then she’s an adult and interfering with her life and relationships in such a significant way just because she happens to live in the house you own is a huge overstep.” voiceontheradio
14. AITJ For Kicking Out My Addicted Sister Amidst My Own Struggles?
“I’m 28F and my little sister (24F) Mary and I have lived in my apartment together since our parents passed away 6 years ago and we have no family near us to take us in.
I’m working towards a degree in medicine while my sister has been struggling with addiction since she was 18. She hasn’t taken their death easy and is still very upset about it. I’ve gotten over it since, and have decided to let her live with me until she gets her life together.
However, I’m in a lot of debt and am struggling to pay the bills myself and have to manage my studies, so I’ve asked my sister to step it up and get a job. She agreed and got a good job that pays decently, but recently she’s snapped. She’s always yelling at me and is depressed all the time.
When I try asking her to find a therapist, she tells me she’s fine. I’ve decided to stop pushing it, but it keeps escalating and I don’t know what to do.
I’ve also got this exam coming up soon, and I’ve been studying for it.
Meanwhile, Mary’s coming home after partying being all intoxicated and under the influence. I’ve started to become frustrated with her, and no matter what I do, she’s always upset. About a few weeks ago, she decided to bring her coworkers to a party while I was studying, and they blasted music the entire time.
Not only did we get a complaint from our neighbors; they almost called the police on us. I got upset at her and just lost it, ending up telling her that she seriously needed help. She started telling me how I was a terrible sister and wanted to “sell her off” to a therapist.
I tried explaining my intentions, but she refused to listen to me. I considered kicking her out then, but decided to give her until the end of the month to get her act together as a second chance. However, things only got much worse, and about three weeks ago she ended up bringing some guy and hooked up with him.
Once he left I asked her if she used protection, and she berated me and started saying I was nosy, so I ended up dropping the subject. A week later, she tells me she’s pregnant, and I absolutely freak out because I’m drowning in debt and my studies.
I can’t even handle her alone, how am I supposed to handle her baby too?
I suggested she get her own apartment near me, but she gets furious and tells me I should be focusing on her instead of my studies because they’ve turned me into a “heartless zombie.” So I snapped back at her and told her she’s a nobody who’s addicted to substances and refuses to get therapy, etc, a lot of things I’m seriously ashamed of saying to her.
She’s driven me to the edge so many times, but each time I always forgive her because of my parents’ deaths and I know how hard she took it. I just can’t do it anymore; I’ve seriously tried my best. I said I’m kicking her out of the apartment and she’ll have to move out.
She got so mad at me that she just packed up that day and left. She hasn’t contacted me since, and I got a message from one of our mutual friends saying that I’m the jerk for kicking her out. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“This is a terrible situation, but NTJ.
Your sister clearly needs help but nobody else can convince her to get that help except her. You can love her from a distance but she’s not your responsibility and you don’t deserve to be her emotional trashcan. She has no right to treat you that way, addiction or not.
I’ve had to cut a formerly close friend of mine out of my life for very similar reasons minus pregnancy. I still love her and wish her the best, but she refused to get help and started going down that path and I realized I couldn’t change her mind.
She has to fight for herself. It still hurts, but just because she’s bringing herself down doesn’t mean you have to be dragged down with her.” jfstk
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. Living with someone struggling with addiction is very very hard, even more when it’s your own blood.
But the only person that can save your sister is your sister herself. As you said you have done everything in your power to help her but if she’s not ready then it’s, sadly, worth nothing. Finally, for the fact you snapped at her: you’re exhausted after two years of fighting (alone) for her so it’s understandable you’ve lost it for a couple of minutes.
Please take care of yourself and your mental health, you too deserve to be cared for!” adelie3397-
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she isn’t ready for help then nobody can help her. She is an adult and you should be focusing on your own life.
Don’t let her control you. Had she graduated HS and moved on to college before they passed? It seems like she was really not ready to move out on her own (which she didn’t do anyway as she moved in with you), but she is acting as if you should be her parent.
You aren’t her parent, she needs help to move past this and it needs to be from someone qualified. I’m very sorry for your loss and the troubles with your sister. I don’t think she’s going to realize the amount of professional help she needs until you quit taking care of her.” Apprehensive_Ninja56
13. AITJ For Keeping Family Heirlooms My Aunt Claims After My Father's Death?
“My grandpa passed away and my dad got a bunch of my grandpa’s things per his will.
My dad passed a little over a year later and not having a will in our state “successors rights” kick in and any living children inherit the estate.
My brother and I went in and gathered all the important family heirlooms because we weren’t sure if the caretaker still had a key.
Come to find out my aunt broke in through a window trying to collect things my dad inherited. Claiming they were supposed to go back to her and my grandmother.
This included some war medals and a wedding band. They claim I don’t have rights to it because “it’s not mine” but my dad’s caretaker stated dad told her everything was to come to me and no one else.
Am I the jerk for not wanting to return these heirlooms I inherited from my father?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You and your brother have the only claim on things. The fact that your aunt tried to steal from you guys rather than asking says a lot. Report her to the cops if you haven’t already because this so won’t be the last time she tries this.
If she knows where you and your brother live I’m going to strongly suggest a lock box at the bank or a small private storage locker at a storage facility for everything you guys got from your dad. Make sure you take photos and document everything you have, make copies, and also keep it under lock and key.” PommeDeSang
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When my dad died his oldest sister came and was searching our house (while we were home) for the items she knew their dad had given her brother before he died. She tried claiming that everything my grandfather gave my dad was now hers and her sisters.
My mom told her she was wrong. Since there was no will and my dad had three living children as well as a surviving spouse, my dad’s siblings had no claims to his stuff. My dad’s oldest sister was really angry and was saying that she was going to talk to an attorney when she got home.
The week after his funeral my mom met with an attorney and he confirmed my mom was correct and my dad’s sister was wrong. He did recommend that my mom take care of settling my dad’s estate asap so that this crazy sister wouldn’t have time to try and make a claim against the estate.
My mom followed his advice If his estate hasn’t been settled and closed, my recommendation is to go see an estate attorney asap. She might be able to make a claim against the estate to try and get these items from you.” Bald_Goddess
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My dad’s sister did something somewhat similar after their dad died, mom had died the year before. She immediately went and started taking everything she could, disregarding that my grandparents had a will that divided their assets and possessions. She took almost everything that was willed to my dad because she felt entitled to just about everything.
Due to this, and other issues with the financial side of things, he had to take her to court to settle everything. They haven’t talked to each other in like 15 years now.” Hot-Trash-6764
12. AITJ For Yelling At My Mother For Forcing Her Clothes On Me?
“My mum is overbearing. I’m a grown woman and she keeps trying to get me to wear her clothes and shoes which is OK but my dress style is very different.
I hate jeans as I’ve gained weight and I have plantar fasciitis so I bought very comfy open shoes that I love and help me walk further. Anything else hurts badly after 10 minutes of walking. She offers me boots, old atrocious-looking shoes, and jeans. I have politely told her no on many occasions.
I do on the odd occasion borrow her slip-on dresses and my dad’s hoodies, so she knows I will ask if I want something.
Today she kept forcing her stuff on me, she brought shoes and jeans and was getting extremely upset. She got mad at me for saying no very nicely and then said oh fine I’m just trying to help in a moody tone.
I lost it. I shouted at her for not respecting my boundaries and told her that no is a full sentence. I need to dress in what makes me comfortable and feel good as I’ve also gained a bit of weight.
She’s not talking to me.
I can’t give away her clothes, she wants me to wear them when we go on outings.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Have you explained it clearly to her, so she actually understands why you keep saying no? No alone doesn’t make anyone understand, even though you obviously are allowed to say no. On the other hand, just take her stuff and donate it to someone who actually needs or wants it.” Yetero93
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ship her clothes back to her or take them back and leave them on the doorstep. Let her know if she brings clothes over again you will repeat or just throw them away. Keep standing your ground. Apparently she wants you to be her clone but you aren’t obligated to do so.” Knittingfairy09113
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, mostly. Just… “No is a full sentence” sounds great on paper, but has that phrase ever made a situation better? Seems like there’s got to be a better way when dealing with a close relative. Have you tried to talk to her about this?
Specifically, you both know you have a different sense of style, and you have enough clothes, so why does she keep wanting you to take hers? Honestly, I’m not sure that accepting the clothes in and of itself is the real issue. There’s something else going on.” akaioi
11. AITJ For Yelling At A Woman Who Stole My Horse's Treats And Misdiagnosed Her Condition?
“My (17F) family owns a horse who is 24 years old. It was my 16th birthday gift. Shortly after we got her we found out she had lumps on her leg. We got the vet out and she said my horse has a tumor and it could be cancer.
I was devastated and shaken up. The vet said she doesn’t recommend us doing a biopsy or surgery as there was a 15% chance of her survival. The vet said she can’t feel it which is good. We got given antibiotics and painkillers for it as it’s all they can do.
The next day (let’s call her witch) came to me.
Witch: I heard you called the emergency vet out.
Me: Yes, unfortunately.
Witch: You should take better care of her.
Me: I’m sorry?
Witch: Stop giving her sugar and give her less hay.
Me: The vet said I can give her sugar and I’m not giving her less than 6kg.
Witch: Also, don’t turn her out in the field.
Witch walks off and I return home.
The next day I went to the stable and saw all my horse’s treats, apples, carrots, and polos gone. I knew it was her so I went to confront her.
Me: Hey, why did you go into my storage and take my horse’s treats?!
Witch: Because she can’t have them!
Me: Are you a vet?!
Witch: No.
Me: Were you there when she got diagnosed?!
Witch: No
Me: Exactly! So be quiet and give me my horse’s stuff back!
I walk off and sort my horse out. The next day everyone is calling me a jerk because I yelled and cursed at a 50 year old…
I do feel I’m in the wrong as I did shout at her. But her diagnosing my horse when she wasn’t there, taking my stuff I paid for, and throwing it out, did make me mad.
My horse is happy, she is still running around and happily eating all of her food. We don’t know when she will pass so we’re giving her a good life.
So AITJ or am I in the right?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That would be called theft and is reportable in most places in the world.
As long as you are following veterinarian advice, then the witch should get on her broom and fly off. Learning to handle confrontations without going over the top is a useful life skill.” Jaded-Moose983
Another User Comments:
“Do people at the barn know your horse has cancer?
If it were me, I’d be going to the most gossipy person in the yard, start crying, and then say you feel bad about shouting at the woman. But you’d just had devastating news about your beloved horse and that woman was blaming you for the fact she had cancer.
And you just wanted to give her a happy life and she stole all her treats because she knew better than the vet. Once that story goes around, her name will be in the mud. You are not lying but at the moment, you are the one with a horse you are “mistreating” and shouting at people who help you.
Correcting the script takes some work but is worth it. Will add someone did this to me – the accusation not the theft – but immediately after he died. It hurts like anything. She never understood why I didn’t like her afterward.” Timely_Egg_6827
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She went into your stables and stole your supplies. If she would have just been a jerk and walked off, I’d say you were wrong. But she escalated this like crazy. It’s never good to speak the way you did though. We can be upset and still speak calmly.
I’d file a complaint about her harassment and see what happens. If you’re going to leave if she doesn’t stop, you’ve got nothing to lose.” Tally0987654321
10. AITJ For Wanting To Restrict My Tenant's Package Deliveries Due To Inconvenience?
“I have a rental unit in my home, a daylight basement with a separate entrance. I share my mailbox with my tenants, and until recently, I never had issues with mail or deliveries. About seven months ago, I rented to a couple in their mid-forties.
She’s a substitute teacher out all day, and he’s “retired” and home during the day.
Generally, they’re great tenants—rent is always on time, and they’re easy to live with. However, she’s a shopaholic, constantly ordering packages. I don’t mind occasional deliveries, but the sheer volume has become overwhelming.
I frequently order from Amazon and other sites. I have deliveries sent to my garage and notifications set up. I also work from home so I can retrieve packages quickly if drivers miss instructions. So far, no issues and I’ve never had any porch pirates.
When the tenants moved in, they went on an extended overseas vacation, saying they’d have “a few packages” shipped back. I agreed, but soon became inundated with over 20 large boxes, some weighing 30-40 pounds. I schlepped them to my garage until they returned. I brushed it off, thinking it was a one-time thing.
Then they went on a two-week cruise, and more packages arrived.
Since then, deliveries haven’t slowed down. I asked them to set up delivery instructions to the garage and notifications, the same as I did. I made it clear that I don’t want my porch to become a target for thieves, especially since my house faces the main road.
Despite this, packages were still left on my porch.
Again, I spoke to her and suggested she rent a mailbox at a nearby postal store, but she said it was too expensive and inconvenient with her schedule. Amazon Lockers don’t work since she orders from other sites.
She did agree to have packages sent to her sister’s during vacations, but this doesn’t address the daily issue.
Packages keep coming to my porch, so I must move them to the garage and text them each time, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day.
It’s become a huge pain, as I have a ruptured disk in my back, which she is aware of. I’ve nearly tripped over boxes just opening the door to leave the house. Two weeks ago, there were two huge boxes taking up my whole porch.
I swear, I’ve had to fight the urge to NOT punt the darn things off the porch and I don’t want to bust my foot LOL.
I’m usually easygoing, but I’m fed up with being the “middle man” for her “shopping sprees,” as she jokes and I feel it is very inconsiderate.
I don’t want to seem like a nitpicky, mean person, especially since I already had to address parking issues when they first moved in.
I made it clear when I interviewed them that we’d need to respect each other’s space due to our unique shared living circumstances, yet they seem oblivious.
They’re on a month-to-month lease, and I’m considering raising the rent for the extra hassle or banning deliveries entirely.
AITJ, or is my tenant being inconsiderate and rude?”
Another User Comments:
“Why are you making this your problem? Allow her to deal with the natural consequences if her packages start to get stolen.
Maybe then she will decide on an alternative solution to receiving her packages. I personally don’t think it’s your business at all, she has a right to order as many packages as she wants, and you have a right to leave them there in danger of getting stolen because you are not her bellboy.” Illustrious-Cycle708
Another User Comments:
“I’d say no jerks here – rent can be raised, following proper guidelines if this is all legal, but doesn’t solve the issue. Banning deliveries is ridiculous not just because it’s irrational, but tenants have rights about the delivery of mail and there could be legal trouble.
Tenants need to set up package delivery alerts so they can collect them ASAP. They should also show OP an attempt to request packages be delivered to the garage. Some people pointed out that delivery services often limit the time someone has to deliver packages, which can lead to packages being left….wherever they’re left. The best solution is for the tenant, who’s home all day, to come collect their packages.
We also don’t know how long packages are left on the porch, 1 hour versus 7 hours? I’ve set up alerts for packages only to receive the alerts after I’ve already gone outside and spotted the package (some company’s text alerts are slower than others – got alerted an hour after by my last one).” chaenukyun
Another User Comments:
“They have every right to order as many packages as they want to the place they live. This weird rental setup where they don’t have their own address or door to be delivered to is the issue. The options are to either just leave the packages to be potentially stolen, to continue bringing them in, or just stop renting out your basement if you don’t want tenants ordering things to the house.
Many people leave things on the porch for hours or even days, you seem to be overly worried about it IMO. If it is a big problem in your neighborhood or something, then bringing in packages for your tenants you have living somewhere that they can’t have delivered to their actual front door instead of yours, is the least you can do honestly.” HavocIP
9. AITJ For Asking My Neighbor To Control His Constantly Barking Dogs?
“My husband and I moved in about six months ago and initially we didn’t want to get off on the wrong foot or rock the perpetual bad neighbor boat…. BUT his dogs bark at us non-stop. We can’t be in our own yard without the dogs going crazy.
We’ve tried bringing the dogs treats, we planted large bushes, we’ve avoided going outside, we’ve even put some landscaping fabric on the chain link fence… but the dogs just won’t stop and the neighbor doesn’t do a thing.
Tonight, we had friends over, and wanted to enjoy the yard, our fire pit, and just have a chill but fun time….
the dogs immediately ruined it so I went over to the neighbor and politely asked if he’d take the dogs inside for a bit while we had friends over. His wife started to scream at me immediately about how “they’re just dogs, get over it” and “you better take that stuff off our fence too”.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I had neighbors like this. Even when no one was outside, the dog was out by itself and was barking incessantly (barking at a falling leaf, barking at a bird, barking at random other noise, who knows). It really affected my ability to work INSIDE my house because the barking was so loud and frequent.
We ended up moving because these people could not be reasoned with (we also had other reasons for moving). Make a complaint to the police. Incessant barking is a statutory nuisance (at least in the UK). A dog that barks all day is also a sign that the dog is neglected. Dogs should not be barking for hours on end.” almalauha
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have always had dogs (one at a time until two years ago, now we have two), and I live in a residential neighborhood in a city with 50’x100’ lots. My first two dogs almost never barked at anyone or anything.
Dogs 3 and 4 are my current dogs. Dog 3 sometimes barks at neighbors. Dog 4 barks at squirrels and raccoons and almost anything he perceives as a potentially gettable critter. You’d better believe we are on them. Dog 3 is rarely an issue. But we got dog 4 a vibrating/beeping (NOT SHOCK) collar after about a year (he was between 2 and 6 when we adopted him).
He doesn’t wear it by default, but during the 6+ months when we have the back door open, he wears it once he decides it’ll be a barky day. And some days I put it on him if he is barky at deliveries, the mail, a leaf blowing by out the window. I will never let my beloved beasts be anyone’s problem!
And people who let their dogs bark willy-nilly or let them poop anywhere outside their own yard without picking it up? Grrrrr!!!!!! ” JudyMcJudgey
Another User Comments:
“I foster dogs. And some of them are really yappy. It drives ME nuts when they go off. And I have them in my home!
I can understand why that neighbor blew. I’m not saying she’s justified-only that I understand it. So go over, try again with this neighbor when the dogs are NOT outside barking their faces off and preface it with “Can we please talk”? Do you own that fence that you put the black material on?
If your neighbor owns it, remove the fabric. Doesn’t matter if it’s on your side or not, That could be ticking her off – ya never know. (Yes I know why you did it and it was a good idea at the time but you didn’t think it through re how will the neighbors react?
They can’t read your mind to know why you’ve done it). IF the fence is common area then explain to her WHY you did it (I thought it was a good idea too actually-what they can’t see they won’t bark at). She knows as well as you that the dogs barking is annoying as heck.
But maybe she doesn’t know how to stop them? So go over, politely try and engage her in a conversation about the dogs. Chances are she may…may.. be just as annoyed as you are. Here is a suggestion for her to try. Water gun.
Every time the dog barks, squirt it until it stops. She has to be consistent with it and it will take a while but they don’t like being squirted with water. This is a harmless type of admonishment. Giving them treats and trying to make friends with the dogs is a great idea.
Keep at it. They may just be afraid of you (Yes barking can be a sign of being fearful) This may work. I don’t think you are the jerk but a different tact needs to be tried here. Having enemies for neighbors can last a long time.” Reddit User
8. AITJ For Not Attending My Friend's Expensive Destination Wedding?
“A good friend of mine is having his wedding out of the country in a popular resort area.
Not a big deal, but the big deal is the cost of the resort that he is having it at. It was around 700 per night. Yeah, that’s a bit high. I get it, it’s all-inclusive. I have been on international trips with him before way further out.
I usually took care of all the arrangements, flights, hotels, etc. Even some of our other friends are not going because of the cost. It’s not that none of us could afford it, we all can. I wasn’t planning on it being 700+ a night. I was expecting around maybe around 300 a night based on the area.
He was being very elusive at first on the pricing and he was using a travel agent to book everything and he was getting a “good rate”. A simple search on all the travel sights gives me the same price if not a tiny cheaper, not much.
My theory on why he picked such an expensive place is so that he won’t have to pay for such a huge wedding if most of the people invited didn’t come. And I know it’s stretching him because his fiancée or his parents are not paying for it.
Once he told me where it was and saw how much the resort was I told him I wasn’t going and left it at that. I did say that it was high even for his standards and he said he thought so too.”
Another User Comments:
“What’s the problem here? The groom said he thought it was expensive too? So where’s the problem? Doesn’t seem like he is demanding you go anyway. Sure, it’s a shame to miss his wedding but that’s life, especially when you choose a destination wedding. Heck, that’s why I always said I’d do a destination wedding, so that certain relatives couldn’t go lol.
No jerks here.” Rare_Sugar_7927
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It bears repeating: Many destination wedding packages (ones that tend to all be booked through an agency) offer discounts for the travel and)or wedding expenses of the bridal couple based on the number of guests who attend and (over-)pay.
Your $700 per night hotel stay could be $600 for you and $100 going toward the hotel costs for your friend. There can be an incentive for brides and grooms to book these packages because they pay far less than having a wedding at home but it’s because their guests are actually paying for the difference.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“If you want to have your wedding in some remote locale, that’s perfectly fine and your prerogative… but any destination wedding should automatically and always ALWAYS come with the caveat that absolutely anyone, right up to the mother of the bride, can decline to attend… for whatever reason they choose.
Or no reason at all. It just comes with the destination wedding. It’s not just a cost thing, which can often be exorbitant. It’s also a time thing. People don’t seem to realize that not everyone is willing to invest three, four, five days, or even a week on your “special day.” That’s YOUR day, not theirs.
NTJ.” LawyerDad1981
7. AITJ For Going To A Concert After My SIL's Mother Passed Away?
“I am currently on my flight to Indianapolis to see the Eras tour on Saturday. I bought tickets last year and have been booked and ready with my outfit, friendship bracelets, etc. I have been looking forward to this so much as someone who has been a fan since Red.
My SIL Grace told the family last night that her mom passed away. This is truly heartbreaking, I lost my dad when I was 20 so I do understand. I went over after work to be with them and also did their laundry for them and fixed them dinner.
Before I left I prepared a bunch of wraps to eat and some casserole as well, I was there until 2 am and have barely slept.
I got a call this morning from Grace asking if I could come over and spend the morning with her.
I told her that unfortunately I had a few things I had to do before I could leave for my concert. She got very quiet and asked me if I was still going to that. I told her yes, I leave in 5 hours for the airport.
She said that she couldn’t believe I could still think about a concert when she had just become an orphan with no one in the world but our family (which is true).
I told her that I am so sorry, and that when I get back I will take off a few days to be with her if she needs.
But that this is something I have been looking forward to and also my friends coming with me are counting on me for things like the hotel, rental car, etc.
She got angry and told me that I was a horrible sister-in-law and that she hopes when my mom dies everyone abandons me, too.
I know this is the shock and grief talking so I am truly not mad at her, when my dad died I said some pretty chaotic things too. But as I’m sitting on this flight I feel so bad. I did everything I could think of before leaving to make the day-to-day banalities of life a little easier for them.
There won’t be a funeral so there’s no real big planning involved.
AITJ for still going on this trip despite my SIL really not having a lot of other people to be there for her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you aren’t her significant other.
You’re the sibling of her SO. Your parent didn’t die. No one even directly related to you died. It’s weird for her to assume you wouldn’t go on your very expensive once-in-a-lifetime trip because her not-related-to-you parent died. If your brother didn’t drop all his plans, that would be more of a possible red flag, but not you.
Go and enjoy your concert. I saw it in London and it was amazing.” Rabt_FTS
Another User Comments:
“It’s probably for the best that you are not serving as a main support for her for this period of time. She feels bereft and seems to want to grab onto you as a replacement; with your absence, she will be forced to seek help from more people or find inner resilience.
I wish her all the best but encourage you to enjoy the concert without the weight of guilt. SIL will still be in need when you return, and you’ll be refreshed and able to help carry her for a while. Grief is a marathon, not a sprint.” Expert_Slip7543
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sometimes, when you experience a significant loss, it’s kind of hard to realize that the rest of the world keeps turning when it feels like yours has completely ended. So it’s not surprising that it seemed strange to her that you’re going to the concert when her world has come crashing down.
But it’s not your world, and it’s not your responsibility to support her in this time. You’ve done more than enough and offered to do more upon your return. She’s lashing out because she’s in pain and can’t understand why the world is acting like the biggest thing in the world didn’t just happen.
But that isn’t fair to you. Go and enjoy the concert, offer support you feel comfortable offering, and hopefully she realizes how off base she was and apologizes when she is in a clearer headspace.” Ldowd096
6. AITJ For Refusing To Apologize To My Neighbor For Ignoring Her During My Walks?
“I (20 M) like to go on walks around my neighborhood almost every day.
I like to put in earbuds and listen to music while walking too. I’m an introvert so I don’t like stopping to talk to my neighbors if they’re also out for a walk, I’ll either wave or say a quick “hello” and continue on my walk.
Now I have this neighbor, let’s call her “Rita”, up the street who is a bit of a problem. She’s an older woman (possibly mid to late 70s) and she has a bit of main character syndrome. Rita is one of those old-fashioned people who feels like they’re entitled to a full conversation with people while they’re out walking, meaning a quick “hello” is unacceptable to her.
I didn’t feel like stopping to talk to her, especially since I had other things to do after my walk and didn’t want to be out there longer than necessary. I just walked right by Rita’s house with my earbuds in and pretended I didn’t notice her sitting on her front porch.
I got past her house and I heard the sound of someone yelling. I took one of my earbuds out while continuing to walk and I heard Rita yelling “you hear me young man? I’m telling your mother about this!” I thought she was just being dramatic and continued on my walk.
When I got home, my mom was in the kitchen and stopped me. She told me that Rita called her and complained about me. She told me she isn’t mad at me because she knows Rita is entitled and mean as well. However, she thought I should go over to Rita’s house and apologize to her anyway because our neighborhood is pretty small and everybody knows everybody and she doesn’t want Rita to badmouth us to anyone and make us look bad.
I wasn’t surprised because there’s nothing my mother cares about more than her image. I told my mom I wasn’t going to apologize because Rita needs to learn that she is not entitled to anyone’s time. Plus, most of our neighbors don’t like Rita anyway so there’s nothing she could say to ruin our family’s reputation.
My mom still thinks I should apologize to “keep the peace.”
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have a Rita on my street. I walk my toddler to sleep on the stroller and she talks and talks and talks no matter how many times I say please I must go now.
She is incensed if I leave the conversation and my toddler wakes up and screams and then if there’s no nap, spends the night crying and vomiting. All because Rita gets offended when I walk away. I now RUN when I see her. She talks so badly to everyone about how rude I am (I don’t gossip so no one hears my side) but I don’t care, my child’s health is top priority and I don’t care who doesn’t like me.” only_grans
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, I’m too petty… I’d be figuring out additional ways to wind Rita up. You know, while still ignoring her presence, just stand on the street in front of her house and when she finally comes out to ‘get her apology’ turn and walk away.
Keep some appropriately scandalous conversational topics handy and start a game to see how quickly you can get HER to shut down the conversation. (“Hey! A coworker has a raging case of chlamydia. You’ve obviously been around the block a few times. How did you deal with it?”) Bonus points if you get the neighbors involved in calling out her rudeness for refusing to talk to you oh.
NTJ. Unless you apologize.” Gadgetskopf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I do a neighborhood loop walk and when I see one of my favorite people, who makes the same loop but in the opposite direction, we just wave at each other—sometimes do a little happy greeting dance—but we each keep going because to stop is to stop the aerobic aspect of the walk.
Your heart rate goes back down, you lose that zen feeling from being in the zone. Also we both listen to podcasts on our headphones and understand the other person is in their head space, leave them alone! I do have neighbors who would talk your hind leg off if you let them, always want to get your attention when you are trying to leave or just parked your car.
They can’t read body language and don’t get that part of being a good neighbor is to not impose yourself—that just because they spotted you doesn’t mean you want to engage with them. Sorry to go on for so long, but I’ve known my share of Ritas.” Auntie-Mam69
5. AITJ For Choosing To Stay At A Hotel Instead Of My Fiancé's Mother's House Due To Anxiety?
“My MIL is nice, but absurdly needy and passive-aggressive. We live about 7 hours from her, only see her a few times a year.
I have been diagnosed with anxiety. I am anxious and uncomfortable staying the night at anyone’s house (including my best friends, my own close family, etc.), and I also have a low social battery, meaning I can tolerate only so much social interaction before I become worn out, stressed, overwhelmed, etc. These facts, combined with the general stress of the holidays and the stress from having to interact with my MIL (and her own undiagnosed/untreated anxieties) have left my fiancé and me to compromise to figure out the best way to handle visiting his family during the holidays, as we usually stay at my MIL’s home which has been highly stressful for us in the past.
In couple’s therapy, we came to the conclusion that it may be best to stay at a hotel near my MIL, that way I can have my own separate space to retreat to when needed/at the end of the day to unwind and manage my anxiousness, but we will still be able to visit as we normally do.
The only difference is we are not staying with my MIL at her house.
MIL is very upset about this. She lives in a really old house that isn’t the nicest, but she’s worked to make it as nice as possible for visitors. She is also used to having my fiancé stay with her whenever he is in town.
MIL has two sons, but my fiancé is the only one who is unmarried and without kids at this point, so a lot of obligations from her fall on him. We’ve tried explaining to her that this is what I need personally to help with my mental well-being, but she just can’t get over the fact that we won’t stay with her.
She is offended, upset, and hurt.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings and am tempted to just say forget it, let’s stay with her to alleviate her being upset and not have to deal with her fit (which is, in turn, making my fiancé upset, and having his brother text him bugging him about “mom being hurt/upset” – the guilt is being laid on thick), but I feel like this goes exactly against what we’ve been learning in therapy related to boundary setting with our families of origin.
MIL definitely has enmeshment issues with her kids, but my fiancé and I haven’t been as affected since we live far away.
My fiancé 100% backs my feelings and prioritizes my needs – he supports me fully in staying at a hotel. The way his family is responding is making me feel like a jerk, though.
We are engaged, and I am still working to build relationships with his side of the family, and it hurts to think that this may warp their views of me. No one wants to come across as overly sensitive and difficult, but that’s how their reactions are making me feel.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ she can find a way to get over it. Start now as you plan to continue. Don’t give in unless you plan to give in every year. Start practicing your canned phrases “sorry you’re upset but this is what we will be doing.” “I get this isn’t what you want but it will be what is happening.” “This is the way the holiday will be happening for us.
Let’s not waste the time we have together talking about something that isn’t going to change.” Don’t offer excuses, don’t give reasons. “This is what we want and what we are going to do.”” BigWeinerDemeanor
Another User Comments:
“So, where do all the other family members stay during the holiday?
Do they all live in town close by and that’s why no one else stays with mom over the holiday? It really sounds like so many excuses. Unless there are mobility issues, there is no reason why anyone should have to stay the entire visit.
If a presence is needed, any of the families could stay, and everyone could do it on a rotating basis. Even the grandkids could rotate staying with grandma. Don’t let your future in-laws guilt you into doing what they are unwilling to do. Your SO is no longer without responsibilities outside his prior family unit.
He shouldn’t have everything dumped on his shoulders. NTJ.” Broken-Druid
Another User Comments:
“OP, I am exactly the same as you when it comes to staying in other people’s homes whilst traveling. Anxious, uncomfortable, and overwhelmed. In the past when I’ve done it it’s taken me weeks to recover and feel ‘myself’ again.
Now, that can sound unbelievable to some people. They just can’t comprehend that being a guest in someone else’s home can have such a strong effect. Your MIL sounds like she is someone who doesn’t get it. I’m so glad your fiancé has your back though.
My now-husband doesn’t quite get it but accepts it for what it is. If he wants to stay with his relatives he is most welcome to take trips alone. Nowadays I have a two-night limit in absolutely unavoidable circumstances only. I think the advice you’ve been given by other responders to treat this lightly and with humor is the way to go.
The old ‘nudge nudge wink wink’ approach. Tell your family that you’re treating this like a pre-honeymoon, but that you’re looking forward to joining them for x, y, and z events during the time you’ll be in town.” hellouterus
4. AITJ For Using My Daughter's College Fund For Her Mental Health Treatment?
“My late husband and I have 3 kids, Elena (16), Lucas (15), and Elizabeth (10). My husband passed 4 years ago and had a large enough life insurance policy that I was able to pay off the house and had enough left over to nearly triple the kids’ college funds.
There is enough money in each of their accounts for them to go to a public university debt-free or at least 2 years in a private university without scholarships or financial aid.
Elena has always had mental health/behavioral issues. She’s been in therapy since she was 4 and until last year was attending an alternative school.
Over the summer, she took her dad’s car without permission and crashed it after I said she couldn’t go on vacation with her friend. Luckily she and the people in the other car were okay but my insurance wouldn’t cover the repairs to the other car.
Her behavior escalated after that and her therapist and I decided it would be best for everyone if she went to a residential program for kids like her. She recommended a few places, I got to tour the facilities and speak with the staff and even some students, and I chose what I believe is the best program for us.
A couple of weeks ago my husband’s parents asked how I was able to afford everything with the car and Elena’s school. I make about $70k a year in an area where 100k for a family of 4 is considered low income so it’s a fairly valid question.
I told them that all of this had to come out of Elena’s savings account. There should still be enough in there for her to go to a community college and transfer to a state school but she’d have to get a job to help pay for her expenses.
They were so upset that I took this all out of Elena’s account. They were saying it’s not my money to give (everything was in my name), that she’s a child and I can’t screw her over for life over a mistake, and that it’s favoritism by only taking from her account and not her siblings.
They asked how she feels about it and I told them she doesn’t know yet and that we will break it to her when she’s doing better in her program. Now they’re even more upset with me and I wanted to know if I was the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“Oof NTJ! You’ve handled this beautifully. For oh so many reasons… 1) Your 16-year-old is having a mental health crisis. A college fund will do her zero good if she’s so unstable that she can’t thrive at college- and if she’s struggling in high school that’s a real good indication that she’d struggle in college.
Mental health care has to be her priority. 2) Since each child had a generous fund it’s very reasonable to use her fund for her care and leave the other kids with theirs. You’re still leaving her room for community college and even if you couldn’t, there’s a chance that Elana may continue to struggle and now is the right time to put some boundaries between her needs and her siblings’ needs.
3) You, not your in-laws, are your children’s parents. You alone make parenting decisions. 4) Your husband’s life insurance was left to you, not to his parents. You alone decide how it will be spent. I’m sorry that they’re interfering. I also fear it’s likely that they may try to stir up contention with Elena and her siblings down the road.
I would ask her care team for help developing a plan for sharing with her how you’ve funded her care. I suspect they’ll agree to wait until she’s stabilized but it would be good to have a therapeutic team behind you. And really, unless her grandparents are in a position to fund her care or fund her college they can stuff it.” capmanor1755
Another User Comments:
“You’re probably the jerk for sending her to a TTI facility. The industry is a breeding ground for mistreatment and adding to the trauma. Your kid is traumatized and acting out, and maybe even had issues before dad died. If your kid crashed into someone else and you have to pay for it, it’s fine that you took their inheritance to do it, but you should have told them before you did it, because that’s how you would want to be treated. I’m sorry your life situation is super difficult, but don’t be so overwhelmed that you send your kid to a private juvenile prison in the hopes that they get better without your care.
Outpatient psychiatric sure, TTI facility, no way. Yes, I’m a father of a daughter.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ because you very clearly love your daughter and want what’s best for her. As a clinician, I have never EVER recommended residential mental health treatment for a child.
Being removed from their environment is traumatic enough, let alone the unknowns of what can happen at a facility. I really encourage you to find a teen therapist in your area and work with them on a treatment plan for your daughter. There are so many wonderful resources available that could help your daughter without removing her from your home.
ETA: I apparently lack reading comprehension and missed the part where HER THERAPIST also recommended residential. This is just so…ugh. What has treatment even looked like up until this point? I find it really hard to believe that every single avenue has been exhausted and that residential is the best option.” CreativePickle
3. AITJ For Not Swapping My Meal With My Pregnant Cousin?
“Yesterday, my (24F) extended family went out for a dinner catch-up. My cousin “Alison” (29F) came, she’s pregnant. I ordered a burger with fries, Alison had some type of herb pasta.
When our food came, she asked if I wanted to swap with her because she didn’t like the smell of the pasta. I said sorry, but I want my burger and maybe she can swap with someone else. She said she was suddenly craving a burger and no one else had ordered one.
I told her she can order again. Alison said they’re saving for the baby and won’t waste money buying another dish, that I didn’t have to pay the difference if I swapped (the pasta was more expensive). I kept saying no, she got really upset and said I didn’t understand the struggles of pregnant women.
My mom saw and said I should just swap and was acting like a kid, I said Alison was acting like a kid. Alison said she was hurt and I don’t understand pregnancy, my aunt (Alison’s mom) noticed the commotion and told Alison to ‘learn how to deal with these things because not everyone will care about her’.
I’d had enough so I just started eating before anyone else could tell me to swap. My mom later said I created a scene for no reason and Alison’s pregnant so I should’ve been more understanding. She said she’s ‘lost face’ in front of my aunt.
Now I’m thinking if I should’ve just sucked it up and swapped?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. Why do some pregnant women suddenly feel entitled to the whole world just because they’re carrying a baby?! I completely understand that pregnancy cravings/tastes come and go in an instant, but to force someone else to eat your meal is just rude.
It’s fine to ask if someone would mind swapping, but after you said no the obvious solution was for her to order another burger. Or go to Maccas if she really was that concerned about the money.” puffin5678
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I hate to be that person but some pregnant people are super entitled. I had an incident a while back where I bought the last maple bacon scone at this awesome bakery near me.
The woman behind me in line was pregnant and had the audacity to ask me to give it to her because she was having a serious craving for one. I said sorry, I came specifically for this. She made a big scene and said “ I can tell you don’t have kids because you obviously don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant!” I rolled my eyes and walked out.
I enjoyed that scone too. Your cousin is an entitled jerk, and your mom is too for trying to force you to give up your food and eat something you didn’t want.” Ohnowhatnoww
Another User Comments:
“Nope. NTJ. If Alison thought it was no big deal for you to switch then she could shell out and order herself a burger.
Plus, it ain’t your kid. Why do you have to sacrifice what YOU ordered because SHE’S pregnant? Nope. If the burger smelled good to her, she should have asked for the pasta to be boxed up and ordered herself a burger like a grown-up. If your mom wanted to “save face” with your aunt, she could have offered to pay for the burger.
Period. Story, end of.” TKD_Mom76
2. AITJ For Telling A Loud, Intrusive Woman On The Bus To Shut Up?
“Today I went out with some friends. It was 35° C (95° F) outside. I hate any temperature that goes above 30. I got on the bus and at the next stop a lady sat down next to me, even though there were plenty of other seats empty without anyone next to them, so that got me a little annoyed, but okay.
After 5 minutes, she receives a phone call and doesn’t bother to speak somewhat silently. Pretty sure everyone on the bus heard her. I was getting pretty annoyed, but I put on my headphones.
When she finishes the phone call, she tries to talk to me.
I ignore her, but she keeps going, and eventually, she pokes me and at that point, I was mad. I take off my headphones, and say “Lady, you’ve been talking nonstop and I am pretty sick and tired of this so would you do me the favor of shutting up?” She then tells me I am an uneducated jerk and gets off at the next station.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for me! How many times do I have my headphones on to avoid people and make them understand I don’t want to chat? It’s like a universal sign… Okay, maybe the shut up is too much, but she seems to be a me myself and I kind of person… Sorry for you that she bothered you and good luck with the hot temperature!
(I hate it when it’s too hot.)” Marty_The_Gamer_Girl
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with NTJ because she poked you. That was a bit too much and warranted the language in my book. If she hadn’t done that, you could have told her something like what I once told a woman behind me in a checkout line: “Would you please quit shouting in my ear?” You could have added that you could hear her despite the headphones and that you did not want to hear her conversation.
The poking crossed a line and firmly made her the jerk. I wish they would bring back phone booths. Landline or cell phone, we still need them.” Sea-Confection-2627
Another User Comments:
“Isn’t it a scam attempt? I live in Poland and I don’t speak the language here.
There was this time when an old lady sat next to me, started yelling on the phone in Polish, really worried, then tried to talk to me after the call. I told her I didn’t speak Polish and she went to bother someone else. My coworker told me that he heard about scam attempts here in Poland that start like this.
Someone yelling on the phone next to you inside a bus.” ricardomachado
1. AITJ For Refusing To Host Thanksgiving At My Home While My Husband Battles Cancer?
“My husband (32m) and I (32f) have been together for 14 wonderful years. 5 years ago my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 of testicular cancer.
He beat it after going through chemo, radiation, and surgery. I was with him through it all and worked my butt off to make sure he was financially, physically and emotionally ok. I did my best to be strong for him.
My relationship with his family became strained after they attempted to give him holistic medicine and I wouldn’t allow it because it wasn’t doctor-approved. At one point his mother blamed me for his cancer saying I caused it.
Anyway, it led to many stressful months of having to take care of him and dealing with his family, especially since he was staying with his mom since we were renting out a room in a house and it wouldn’t be suitable for him.
Fast forward he beat it, we were able to get married and continued with our lovely life. Unfortunately, he was recently diagnosed with testicular cancer again. We noticed similar changes in his body and took him straight to the ER where they told us the cancer had returned. He recently started his chemo and this time it is kicking his butt straight from the get-go.
I’ve been doing my best to help him through it again and making sure he has what he needs. Luckily we have our own home which makes it easier for us to have our peace. His family comes by to help now and then.
His mom still makes snide remarks to me making sure he eats all the fruit and food she brings. Telling me I need to cook (mind you, I work 40 hrs a week) and I’m juggling housework, cleaning, working, taking care of our fur babies, and working on reports for my job.
If I’m being quite honest, I’m taking care of everyone but myself – but that’s a story for another day.
During their last visit, they told me they would be celebrating Thanksgiving at our home. I was very upset as they invited themselves without even notifying us.
I snapped at my brother-in-law and said “no way.” He asked if I didn’t want them there and I said “no.” They claimed to want to make it easier for my husband; however, I don’t want to deal with them while also stressing about taking care of my husband.
My husband and I had already talked about going over to their home so if he gets tired we can easily leave and come home to peace. As I mentioned, my relationship with my mother-in-law is not good.
While having a moment with my husband at the hospital, I was reassuring him that I didn’t see him any differently and I loved him deeply (he was sad because he said he wasn’t man enough for me)—she interjected herself when it was supposed to be a moment between husband and wife.
That’s just 1 of the many times that she’s overstepped. I’m trying to understand her as she is his mother but there’s just too much bad history that makes me get anxious whenever she’s around.
AITJ for telling his family they are not welcome to host their Thanksgiving at MY house?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if everybody were healthy, this would be rude af. They’re mad you’re not unilaterally going along with what they decided, without discussing it with you first, when the burden is on you the most. I could maybe, *maybe* understand if they approached it as “what would be easiest?
For him to travel to us or for us to come to you, and we’ll cater/bring the food.” But if it was anything other than that approach, you have zero to feel bad about. It’s your house, you have a right to say no, period.” Minute_Cold_6671
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a stage 4 cancer patient myself there is no way I’d want to host a family gathering at my house while having treatment. I wouldn’t want to put the stress of that on my partner to prepare everything and cook either.
The guilt of what they’re sacrificing for you while you’re unwell is already enough without putting that on them too. He needs somewhere calm and quiet to go back to when he gets tired. Plus being around a lot of people when you have no immune system isn’t great.
Going to someone else’s place at least you can leave if someone has a cold or cough, I think it would cause even more problems if someone turns up to your house, unwell, and they get asked to leave. Thankfully the people in our life have been incredibly understanding of how stressful going through this is and have hosted us for occasions to give us a bit of a break.
Having cancer and treatment is hard, and caring for and supporting a partner with cancer is hard, I can’t understand family wanting to make any moment of it harder. I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through. Quite honestly your MiL sounds like a nightmare.” Vixxxxx6
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. Maybe in their mind it would be easier to do Thanksgiving at your home so he doesn’t have to travel, but I agree that it is absolutely not the right idea at all. If you go to their home, not only are they doing the work (and let’s be real, you do not have the time or energy to be hosting) but also, like you said, when your husband inevitably gets tired, you can retreat home.
If they come to yours, you’ll be stuck with them even after he is worn out. They sound incredibly overbearing, and honestly, I have to wonder how your husband feels about their behavior. I understand he is going through a lot right now, but they clearly are not going to listen to you.
If he agrees that they have overstepped in their behavior, I do think he needs to ask them to back off a bit. Because they seem to be doing more harm than good based on your story.” imamage_fightme
