People Think These “Am I The Jerk?” Situations Are A Big Deal
21. AITJ For Disinviting A Friend From My Wedding For Ignoring My Dress Code?
“My (23F) wedding is at the start of August and I’ve been confirming RSVPs this weekend to finalize seating and catering etc.
I ended up chatting with one of my uni friends B (24F) and we got onto the topic of clothes for the wedding, and B was saying how excited she was to dress up as she hadn’t been invited to a non-family wedding before.
Now while we are both British, B is ethnically white, whereas I am South Asian. She said she wanted to wear a sari to my wedding so I told her a few places she could get a nice one and she went shopping. I did tell her that red was our bridal color so it should be avoided.
Now she’s saying that she fell in love with a red and gold sari and has bought it. I told her that’s the color of my bridal gown and she needs to find another outfit. She said she’s sure it won’t matter on the day but like….that’s the equivalent of someone wearing a white dress to a western wedding.
She’s refusing to compromise and change her outfit because she loves it so much and she won’t have another occasion in which it’s appropriate for her to wear a sari.
I don’t want someone wearing red and gold on my wedding day.
WIBTJ if I uninvited her over this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. You told her beforehand no red. She went and ignored your instructions. What is with people and knowing the rules and requirements beforehand and then ignoring them?? Her not having another occasion to wear it is not your problem.
And you have nothing to feel bad about. She chose to make it impossible for herself to attend by not following the requirements. That’s her doing. Not yours. She’s very disrespectful.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“What she’s doing is the equivalent of someone wearing white to a white wedding.
I know many cultures wear white for the wedding, but I’m unsure of the exact term. So you’re absolutely well within your rights to uninvite her. However, I’d advise speaking to her one more time and really emphasizing why it’s not okay while making the comparison to a white wedding.
At the end of the day, it’s your and your hubby’s day! Make it one that is enjoyable for you. You’re paying for it after all. Not your friend. NTJ.” Prestigious_Candle_4
Another User Comments:
“IMAGINE being that white girl who turns up to a South Asian wedding in a red sari ….
I would tell you to say nothing more & let her go ahead and then after she’s received half an hour’s worth of dirty looks have one of your family members ask her to leave. But it’s your Wedding Day so why deal with the drama, and this girl would only turn around and blame you for not “properly warning her how bad it is to do that.” Time to dis-invite this friend and lose her number.
She has no respect for your culture or you or any capacity to understand that other cultures are important and mean more than being her “dressing up box” so to speak. NTJ.” excel_pager_420
20. AITJ For Yelling At Our Loan Officer For Constantly Losing Our Paperwork And Delaying Our Move?
“So we were in the process of moving and we (me M35 and wife F33) were working with this one lady who I’ll call Ashley who was handling our loan info. She would always lose our stuff. She’d email us saying things like “I still need this one form or else we can’t move forward with anything.” We’d respond with something like “we sent it to you 2 weeks ago,” to which she’d condescendingly respond with something like “no you didn’t.” Then we’d give her the exact date and time we sent it and she’d be like “oh, there it is” without even apologizing.
This happened a LOT, like every single time she asked for a form. Because of this, our move-in date was being pushed back a few days at a time every week or two.
Finally, the time came when we were going to move. We had closed on our old house about 10 days prior and we were crashing with the in-laws.
I love them a lot but 10 days of us not having a home and being cramped in close quarters with them was starting to make tensions run a bit high, especially because FIL has a tendency to kinda mansplain a bit to my wife but I digress.
Anyway, we get a call at around 6 pm the evening before we were going to make the trip to our new house about 4 hours away. It’s Ashley. She said she was late looking at a form we sent her so it would be another 10 days at least. This gave me a physical feeling in my head, like I could feel my mental health deteriorate abruptly in a matter of a second.
I’m already a naturally anxious person. I’m one of those people who’s always freaking out about stuff going wrong, and this revelation made me think a million things all at once in a matter of a second. I was simultaneously thinking things like “another 10 days of being cramped, what if that’s not it and she adds even more days on top of that after a while, what if she loses enough paperwork to where we can’t move, what if we’re homeless,” etc. Plus my heart started racing and I started shaking.
Suffice it to say, I transformed into Tom Cruise from Tropic Thunder, if anyone’s seen that movie. I let out a bit of a shriek, grabbed the phone, held it in front of me to my mouth, and screamed at her. The conversation went like this:
Me: Oh my god, you’ve been constantly losing everything we’ve given you over and over and you’ve been delaying this little by little every few days, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Ashley: Mr. OP, there’s no need to shout.
Me: YES THERE IS! YOU’RE THE BIGGEST IDIOT I’VE EVER MET!
YOU’RE GOING TO WORK IT SO WE MOVE IN TOMORROW, AND THAT’S FINAL! I DON’T CARE HOW YOU DO IT, BUT YOU’D BETTER!
Then I abruptly hung up. The next day we get a call from her supervisor who’s telling us that she’ll be in charge of the whole thing instead of Ashley, and the supervisor actually helps cut a deal to where we only have to wait one more day before moving in.
Still, everyone around me acted like I went overboard. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Even saints have limits, OP. When it comes to paperwork regarding mortgages, American banks have been criminal. Literally. I am glad you only got saddled with an incompetent jerk instead. NTJ. From what you have written, she had been negligent repeatedly.
I am glad the supervisor took this seriously enough to personally supervise your papers. Good luck and long life in the new house, OP!” MonkeyMagic1968
Another User Comments:
“She sounds like the guy who did our mortgage, Joe. Joe was worthless. My husband was a marine.
We were getting a VA loan. Joe had no idea what he was doing and sent us on a bunch of wild goose chases. He told us not to get the VA letter until we found a house because the letter would expire after so long.
I tried to convince my husband to get it anyway and we’d just have to get a new one when the first one expired. He didn’t want to. He wanted to listen to Joe. So, we find a house, put in an offer, the offer gets accepted. We order an NGB22 as we are told.
A week later, we hear back that he doesn’t have one on file since that is a National Guard form, not a form for the Marines. Husband figures out what form is needed. He contacts the correct office so he can get info on how to send it.
The person who answers the phone says “I hope you aren’t under contract. That is going to take at least 8-12 weeks to get.” So, we lost that house. The form showed up 14 weeks later. I was upset. My husband wanted to refi. I told him that if we went through Joe, I would do really bad things to him while he slept because I was not dealing with that moron again.
NTJ.” ConsciousExcitement9
Another User Comments:
“ESH. By your description, Ashley is at best disorganized, at worst, incompetent. Either way, she’s a jerk. After the first couple of repeated delays and extensions, this should have been calmly escalated to her management. Waiting and allowing the annoyance and tension to build to where you exploded, makes you a minor jerk, but I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it either.
Purchasing a home is the largest financial transaction most of us will ever make. Repeated mistakes by the professionals being paid to help with that transaction should not be tolerated.” superflex
19. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Prioritize Our Family Over His Friends And Drinking?
“I (25F) and my husband (25M) have been together for 8 years, married for 1. We have 2 wonderful kids and I love my husband so much. However, I noticed that he doesn’t seem to prioritize me and the kids like I do for him.
My husband likes to drink, I hate booze.
However, I don’t stop my husband from drinking despite me hating the smell of booze and not enjoying the way it tastes when I kiss my husband when he drinks. He also likes to go out with his friends and be gone all night or be up all night at our house with his friends being super loud while the kids and I are trying to sleep.
I don’t want to be controlling or tell him what to do so I never tell him he can’t do anything or isn’t allowed. However, if he asks me about going out, drinking, or having his friends over and I really don’t want him to do that I will tell him I would prefer he didn’t and explain why but then leave the choice up to him.
The problem is when I do that if he decides not to do whatever with his friends he tells them I won’t let him and makes it seem like a total jerk to his friends. They tell him I am controlling and manipulative because even if he decides he doesn’t want to do something he tells them I won’t let him because he doesn’t want to disappoint his friends and he thought I wouldn’t mind taking the blame for him.
He expects me to wait up for him so he can spend time with me but also will sleep until it’s time for him to go to work, which leaves me with almost no sleep and taking care of the kids/house all day. The problem is he is always with his friends, either every day or every other day, and always has his weekends planned out with his friends.
I have always been kind of a loner so I feel like it shouldn’t bother me that I am alone so often but I guess I just expected to be with my husband more often. He gets to do whatever he wants.
I told him last night I wished he would spend more time with his family and that I didn’t enjoy being around his intoxicated friends.
He told me he works hard and deserves to have fun and that I should be glad that he isn’t gone every night like some people are. I pointed out that sometimes it is every night. He told me I am crazy and making things up in my head and looking for a reason to be upset because he hasn’t done anything wrong.
So am I being crazy, am I overreacting to this situation? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You have been together since you were 17. Those years are meant to be the time a person discovers who they are as a person: their likes, interests, boundaries, etc. Yet you have been with someone who, frankly, sounds manipulative and pretty full of misogynistic views.
He has made you a young mum, and given all the responsibility of their care to you while he acts like he is still single – going out to party with all his mates – then expects you to be at his beck and call whenever he wants.
You don’t have a partner. He also doesn’t want you going out by yourself because you might meet an actual decent fella who will highlight what a jerk your current one is. This is not an OK situation OP. His mates are telling you you’re in the wrong because they’re just as big a jerk as he is.
Who happily parties with a guy who’s leaving his wife to do 100% of the childcare? Other jerks. You deserve better.” curious_seahorse1
Another User Comments:
“So basically what you’re telling me is that in your marriage your husband gets to behave like he’s still a single childless man but you get all of the responsibility of being a mother of two, a wife, a cook/maid (I assume he doesn’t help around the house or do any cooking?) and then to top it all off he thinks nothing of bringing his obnoxious toxic friends over to get wasted in front of your children???
Oh honey. NTJ but ask yourself, is this the life you want for you? I know you love him. But why? He doesn’t contribute to your shared household chores. He doesn’t take care of his own children. He keeps them (and you) awake at night with loud parties.
And then he gaslights you by claiming that you’re the one who’s controlling and manipulative. He has no respect for you.” Careful_Swan3830
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you’re not going to be able to control this situation. Your husband is a heavy drinker.
Also, “…and my husband isn’t okay with me going anywhere alone so he won’t watch the kids for me to go anywhere. I always have him and the kids with me if I go to my friend’s or family’s house. Which is fine I don’t mind that.” Eek.
You may be fine with that, but that’s controlling behavior and frankly not ok. I’m sorry, but I think you need a reality check. You noticing he doesn’t prioritize you or the kids is a good first step, but you really need to take many more steps than that.
Please get yourself into counseling, therapy, or a support group and open your eyes to what’s happening. This is a serious situation and if your kids are young, it’s still just beginning. Imagine what this will look like in 10 years, 15 years, 20 years.” Karma_1969
18. AITJ For Not Taking A Year Off To Help My Son With Childcare After Divorce?
“I’ve very recently divorced my husband. We had fundamental differences and despite our sons’ objections, the divorce went through.
This has meant that I will need to work full-time instead of part-time for 5 more years if I want to retire comfortably. I’m 57 now.
When my youngest had a child 3 years ago, I took time off work and stayed with him and his wife to help with childcare.
I did this for nearly a year.
But this was before the divorce and I had my then-husband’s financial support.
My oldest has now had his child a month ago and he asked me to do the same.
I cannot afford to take a year off of work.
I have rent and bills to pay and I need to top up the retirement funds I got in the divorce.
He told me to sublet my place for a year, but it’s just not feasible for me. I can’t be sure my job will let me return after taking a year off again.
I was extremely apologetic and I offered to babysit after my work anytime they needed it.
But this has upset my oldest greatly and he’s accusing me of favoritism. He assumed I’d treat both my children the same and that he’d planned their maternity/paternity leave and finances around me helping.
He called me a bad mother for treating my kids differently. Even more devastating is that he hasn’t let me see my new grandchild in person.
Was I wrong here? This has broken my heart more than my divorce has.”
Another User Comments:
“He’s immature and selfish.
The circumstances in your situation have changed and he should think about that and not only about himself. Ask him if he is willing to pay you something at least because you have to live and in order to do that you need money. I know it hurts maybe try talking to your other son about the situation and maybe he can talk with his brother.
Either way NTJ!” Potential-Beyond-864
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not. At. All. Your son is clearly entitled and in the wrong here. He wants to be treated equally, yet doesn’t realize that if you would do the SAME as you did for his brother, you would clearly be favoring HIM.
You didn’t have to quit your job, sublet your apartment, and put your life upside down when your youngest had his baby. Yet, here he is, asking you to do WAY MORE than what you did for your other son.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
From personal experience, I can tell you that finding a new job at your age is next to impossible. Please do not give up your job. While I can understand that your son is upset about your inability to provide child care, he does not realize the financial difficulties you will face.
Is he willing to make up your salary and pay you retirement money to compensate for diminishing your future Social Security payments? (I had to sign up for early Social Security at age 62 after years of fruitless job searching and small freelance assignments. This reduced my monthly SS payment considerably.) You might want to make a chart showing the financial losses you would actually have from taking a year off, as well as the potential financial losses if you can’t find another job that pays equally well.
Sometimes people understand charts better than talking. He also sounds kind of entitled by planning their maternity and paternity leave and finances around you based on assumptions and not actually consulting with you.” Paevatar
17. AITJ For Getting Upset With My Daughter For Wearing AirPods During Our Argument?
“My 16-year-old is not the best student.
Her grades are a little above average but very bad compared to my friends’ children. Her junior year is very important and so we had a fight today and yesterday about colleges and her future. She is very defensive and I don’t think she appreciates the money I have put into her tutors and education because there have not been a lot of results.
Our recent argument was where we fought about school and I apologized for the things I said that hurt her after I found her crying in her room. But then I found that she was wearing AirPods the entire time we were talking and when I apologized. I was very mad and walked out of the house even though she was saying that she “muted them” and “had her AirPods on low volume.” I came back an hour later after I took a walk and she made herself dinner.
She will not talk to me now, but she is studying by herself. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Just for this: “Her grades are a little above average but very bad compared to my friends’ children.” Right there. You aren’t seeing your daughter as her own individual person, you are seeing her as one of a collection of people to compare each against the other.
She doesn’t ‘appreciate’ the tutoring or money you spend on it because you lord it over her and then you aren’t happy because you aren’t seeing ‘results’. You need to give her a lot of space right now. It seems like you are looking for things to take insult against, like the AirPods, which many people wear while working.
(Some people like to have music or something else on in the background; for many students, it helps them focus.) Have some compassion for your daughter. I’m sure that this focus on only her grades is causing her a lot of mental harm. Ask her what SHE feels will help, and then LISTEN to her.
Kids are amazingly able to help lead their own lives by working out their own problems if we are willing to trust them, not expect perfection, and give them room to grow into their own people.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“No judgment from me but I am going to give you a piece of advice from a parent and a teacher: Do NOT compare your child to ANYONE else’s kids.
EVER. Every child is different and it’s foolish to get into that kind of contest. Instead of building people up/motivating them, it knocks them down and makes them feel worthless (especially to the person who is doing the comparison). It can be frustrating when you think your child isn’t living up to their potential. Instead of getting angry maybe you need to sit down with her and talk about WHY she isn’t motivated. What is she interested in?
What does she want to do? How can you use that to show her why her classes are important so she can get to that next level of what she wants to do? That’s the trick of it all. Good luck. Being a parent is tough work.” TheSciFiGuy80
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I feel bad for your daughter.. she’s trying her best and you are so focused on a grade instead of her mental health. Don’t be surprised if she stops talking to you once she is older. Comparing your daughter to your friends’ children is messed up.
When you compare, you are making her feel like she will never be good enough. You should try encouraging her and showing how proud you are of her. After all, she is doing great in school. Encouragement is a lot better than comparison. Think about what you are doing to her self-esteem.” Zestyclose-View-4958
16. AITJ For Talking About My Painful Periods In Front Of My Dad?
“I (17F) have really bad periods. I’m talking extreme pain, to the point where I can barely get out of bed. During the first 3-4 days, I’m in so much pain, that I cry a lot.
My mom says she used to have bad periods before she went on birth control and brags about how much better she has it now that she doesn’t get her awful periods anymore. I’ve tried to go on birth control (I have an undiagnosed medical condition which makes my period 10x worse) but my mom won’t let me.
(I’m moving out this summer for university, and plan to get it once I move out).
My dad is grossed out by periods. He doesn’t think I should talk about mine. I’m the exact opposite, I talk openly about my life, especially my health problems and period pain.
When I’m on my period, and my dad asks what’s wrong, I’ll tell him. I usually say “my uterus is imploding“ or “there’s a mini shark attacking my uterus“ because I’m the type of person where humor helps me feel better.
Every time I say something about my period, he gets super grossed out and annoyed.
Here’s where I might be the jerk, my dad makes comments about being intimate with my mom constantly, even when I’m around. It makes me uncomfortable, and I’ve told them this many times.
Since he can’t stop talking about being intimate with my mom, I’m not stopping the period comments. I’ve told him this before, but he still keeps making the same comments, and this is the hill I’m willing to die on. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Wait a minute here – your mom knows birth control could help but she is refusing to let you get it? OMG she is a complete and utter jerk. Tell your dad that if your mom would let you get proper medical treatment you wouldn’t have to deal with such painful periods.
As for the comments about being intimate with your mother, I would comment every single time “Why would discuss your intimate life in front of me? You know, mom has periods, too, but you aren’t too grossed out to be with her intimately and talk about it.” NTJ.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, both your parents are. Your dad needs to grow up and your mum needs to dig deep and find some empathy! As an aside, you may want to have a look into endometriosis and adenomyosis and speak to your doctor. Painful periods are not just something a woman has to go through or endure, they are not just a fact of life.
I’m sorry you’ve got such awful symptoms, my periods were a lot like yours when I was younger.” plywrlw
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As long as you’re not going into graphic detail, you’re fine. I have 3 sons and one daughter (all grown up now) and those boys were well-versed in what a period is.
They were never made to go to the store to buy any of the mysterious period products but they often just would. Seemed totally normal to them. Also, my daughter went on an extremely light birth control at 13 due to her period pain. It was a discussion between her and her doctor, and we discussed good and bad and left the final decision to her.” cassidy11111111
15. AITJ For Wanting To Break Our Separation Agreement Due To My Ex's Negligent Parenting?
“I (25f) have two living children (2F, 4mo M) with my partner (26m). We decided about a month ago to separate. The decision came mostly from how my partner treated me and how we weren’t meeting each other’s needs in certain areas.
I’m a SAMH, so I agreed to wait to take the kids after our oldest turns two in a few weeks.
I’m only moving 30 min away to my dad’s house.
I agreed after the separation to let him have split custody, but ever since we agreed to separate, his parenting style has changed.
My partner is more hands-off, even going as far as to tell me “you’ll have to figure it out yourself when you’re a single parent” and just sitting back to let me do everything.
For example, I was out in the living room getting our youngest back to sleep (I get up at night with him since I’m breastfeeding him) when he got our 2yo out of her room and changed her diaper. Normally what would happen next is one of us would get her breakfast. As soon as my partner finished changing her diaper, he put her down and sat on the couch.
Even after our daughter started pulling on my shirt (she still breastfeeds before bed and naps) and I verbally acknowledged she was hungry, he still sat there and did nothing.
I had to abandon getting our youngest down for a nap and get our daughter some breakfast.
We agreed to co-parent after we separated, but if he’s going to be like this till our oldest’s birthday, I don’t feel like I deserve this and neither do the kids.
WIBTJ if I broke the promise I made with my soon-to-be ex-partner and left before our 2yo’s birthday?”
Another User Comments:
“Before you move out of that house, get a lawyer and begin the process for a legal separation. Leaving and taking the children without a formal, documented agreement between you and the children’s father could create some very negative consequences for you.
A do-it-yourself separation or divorce agreement is a bad risk. Your soon-to-be-ex is already showing he plans to do a minimum amount of parenting and use that as a punishment to you. You need a legal arrangement for custody and child support. Do not leave the house until that arrangement is in place.
The “promise” you made is irrelevant. Your children’s health and security come before everything. NTJ.” NoxWild
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is retaliating against you. He is being angry and immature and taking it out on your kids. Everything is changing. If you want, which is really hard because you have two tiny kids, you can say it seems like you’re feeling pretty angry about this situation and it’s hard for you to take care of the kids with how you’re feeling.
Whatever he says to reply, at least that will acknowledge what’s going on. And set the stage for you being able to say that if he can’t co-parent because he’s angry about the situation you’re going to have to leave sooner.” mcclgwe
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I think he doesn’t help because you’re going to separate and he’s angry at you and wants to not help you. Just because he lets you do it now, doesn’t mean he won’t do a thing when he has them alone.
My ex did the bare minimum because he was mad at me and he later said he had felt rejected, but once we divorced, he changed for the better. You can say you’re concerned and get doubts now.” [deleted]
14. AITJ For Feeling My Fiance Is Competitive About Our Weights While I'm Pregnant?
“I (36f) feel like I might be being oversensitive.
I am five months pregnant with my fiance (34m). For context, I have always struggled with my weight and have previously tried various things to help control my weight. I have been with my fiance for 2 years and he is aware of all of this.
He is not a big man but he is also a little sensitive about his weight and previously we’ve agreed to eat healthily together for both our health. I had got to a point of being quite happy with my weight but with being pregnant, I have started to gain weight again.
It’s not yet quite noticeably ‘baby bump’ and tbh, I just feel quite miserable with it. On top of that, the pregnancy is quite difficult and I have been diagnosed with a condition that means I am experiencing sickness throughout the pregnancy which can wipe me out for days at a time.
I like to be quite sociable and outgoing with work but find I cannot do that to the extent I used to.
Now I have set that out, onto my problem as I am not sure if I am being a sensitive pregnant woman. I feel like my fiance is trying to be competitive with me over his weight loss and my weight gain.
I mentioned before that before I was pregnant, we tried to eat healthily. At that time, he would weigh himself three times daily (I would weigh myself once) and be kind of competitive about declaring what he had lost compared with me. If I had an especially busy day out and about, he would make comments like ‘that must be a shock because you’re usually horizontal’.
When I responded to this and was annoyed with him, he said he was only joking and I was being sensitive. He always seemed happy when he lost more than me.
Well, he is currently concerned about his weight again and is back to weighing himself and proudly announcing when he loses a few pounds while I am getting heavier.
He also grabs me by the belly which I know pregnant women have to expect, but because of my weight issues, I hate anyway. He also makes little comments about me snacking or about my clothes not being smart enough. A few weeks ago, on a good day, I went to a concert with a friend.
My fiance knew that the venue sold sweets (candy) at a stall and he told me to stay away from that stall in a text message while I was at the concert.
I know this doesn’t sound like a lot but I’m not feeling great anyway and this doesn’t help, but he doesn’t think he is saying anything wrong.
AITJ and just being oversensitive?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Red flags galore. He is gaslighting you. You are pregnant, you are going to gain weight. That is part of the process of growing a human inside of you. Him losing weight has nothing to do with it or you.
It’s not even a competition nor should it be because you’re not exactly supposed to be pushing to lose weight while you’re pregnant anyway unless there is a legitimate reason given to you by your doctor and not sure if a doctor would do so, to begin with, and he’s not growing a human either.
On top of that, it is said that men tend to lose weight faster than women. He’s making fun of you to make himself feel better about himself and then telling you how to feel when he knows it’s a sore spot for you.
He’s being an ultimate jerk. You shouldn’t be putting up with this or dealing with this on top of being pregnant and dealing with a pregnancy-related condition. Since you’re not married yet, ask yourself is this someone you really want to marry.” PhoenixRosehere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You literally have to gain weight to maintain a healthy pregnancy. The doctor will tell you if you’re not gaining enough, as it’s dangerous for the baby. Honestly, there’s not much you can do to avoid putting on a few extra pounds while you’re pregnant, but maybe your fiance can be reminded that you’re growing a human being and eating for two and that your hormones also make it difficult to control what and how much you eat.
Tell him you’re happy for his successes but maybe he can focus on his own weight for now and leave yours out of it.” Sting_like_a_Vespa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When you call him out and he says he only wants the best for you, it’s called gaslighting.
He’s convincing you that you didn’t hear what you heard. It makes you feel like you’re being oversensitive and crazy when in reality he’s being abusive. Does he only do this with your weight or does he do this with other things as well? I had a hard pregnancy too and I have weight problems too and I know what you’re going through, but you have to eat enough to make the baby grow.
You will lose it after the baby is born. I hope your fiance gets into therapy. He has disordered eating if he thinks a pregnant woman shouldn’t have sweets. He’s also a jerk for telling a pregnant woman she shouldn’t eat sweets.” Dry_Mastodon7574
13. AITJ For Not Wanting My Daughter In Her Step-Mom's Social Media Videos?
“I (33f) have a daughter (Kay 5) with my ex-partner Jared (27m).
He has a new partner Layla (25m) who he has been with for like 2 years.
Layla and I do not get along. Neither do my ex and me. We have joint physical 50/50 custody week on week off and he has final decision-making power. Kay does really like Layla and talks about her all the time.
Layla is an “influencer” who makes cooking content and parenting/child development content. She was a nanny but now that she’s pregnant she’s focusing more on her social media stuff I guess. Here is where my issue lies, she has been using my daughter for views.
I noticed her posts and videos with my daughter get the most views and she’s started to do it more often. They do a cooking segment together (something like “Cooking with Kay” but different names obviously). When I confronted her about this she said she only started putting Kay in the videos because she asked to be in them, and Jared said it was okay.
She didn’t see it as using Kay and feels like Kay benefits because of the PR packages she’s sent and the funds that come in.
I feel like I should have been consulted first. I’ve seen none of this money she claims to be putting aside for Kay.
Jared says I’m just using this as a reason to attack Layla because she was making content and was already successful way before she met Kay, and Kay “loves” making the videos. I just don’t think Layla has a right to do this.
She is not her mother to be making these kinds of decisions. Am I overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“Somewhere between ESH and you being the jerk. I get it’s not something you wanted but “he has final decision-making power.” It’s something she is enjoying. So why do you want to stop the videos?
“Kay does really like Layla and talks about her all the time. She only started putting Kay in the videos because she asked to be in them, and Jared said it was okay.” Regardless if it’s something you want or not, the court has ruled he gets the final decision.
If he believes it is OK then you have the choice of trying to come to an agreement but understand that if they continue to make the videos they can. Or attempt to take him back to court and try and get it changed to you making the final decisions.” KaytTheNotSoGreat
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. One thing you have to realize is that you are no longer in a household of two, but rather a split home with a co-parent situation, you no longer get to be consulted on “everything”. You kinda give bitter, jealous, mommy vibes frankly.
Jared, her father gave permission. She doesn’t need yours. It’s their household. Just like if you sign a permission slip for a field trip or to join the school soccer team on your days, Jared doesn’t have to be consulted. You also don’t get to micro-manage how much or when or where Layla puts money aside for her stepchild.
You’re overreaching and overreacting.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“After going through your post and comments, I’m going to go with YTJ. Your child is in the videos because she WANTS to be and the partner accommodates. Does she get more views? Sure. But it doesn’t sound like she’s doing it FOR the views, but for your daughter.
Her father has decision-making rights, and his partner asked him for permission. I don’t think she is in the wrong for that. You were told by your lawyer that you should drop it, but you went here for a second opinion anyway. You make it seem like your ex’s lawyer made you look aggressive and unfit, but the judge made the call based on all the information they had.
And the way you’ve responded to an issue like this doesn’t make it hard to believe that you may be difficult to make peaceful decisions with.” [deleted]
12. AITJ For Being Upset That My Cat Sitter Ate My Hidden Snacks?
“I (f63) and my cat (f5yrs) live in a small townhouse complex of only 8 upscale homes. We just moved here from the other side of the country and are trying to adjust to such a big change.
I travel back across the country every two to three weeks to visit my very sick parents and to pick up a bit of work when I can. My life is crazy hectic with this kind of schedule. I really look forward to ending each trip with my chocolate treats, which I keep at the back of my cheese drawer in the fridge.
Not completely hidden, but certainly not visible to the eye when going into my fridge. Similarly, I keep other treats, like a bag of sour gummies, and popcorn, actually tucked away in the recesses of my pantry shelves, kind of as a way to dissuade me from overindulging, but knowing they are there for my sudden cravings.
My next-door neighbors are great. They are a young family with a big dog, and we get along great. They offered that their son (m13) would like to take on the job of cat sitter whenever I travel. He’s a lovely, shy young man who seems respectful and gentle with my cat, and for me, this was the best plan because my cat is so shy but still loves company.
The plan is for this young man to come in at least twice a day, but that he’s welcome to stay as long as he wants- relax, watch TV, play with the cat, do his homework- whatever. As long as he takes care of my cat well, and is respectful of my home, I thought this was a great plan.
Whenever I go away, I always bake him something delicious to last the five days I’m away, like a dozen muffins, or chocolate cookies, or cakes. Always something really nice, plus I pay him $75.00 each time.
Two times ago, when I came home, my Toblerone chocolate was gone.
I never mentioned it, just let it slide, though I was a bit upset that I had to go out to buy more after my ten-hour ordeal getting home. This last trip, I came home to find my two Toblerone bars gone (one is big, one was individual size), plus my special Belgian chocolate bar that I got in England and cannot replace here.
As well, my bag of gummies is gone, and the bag of popcorn was out on my counter as if I just came home in the nick of time and interrupted him about to eat it.
I paid him and thanked him for watching over my cat before I noticed this, but now I’m so upset.
I don’t want to be petty, but it’s about trust here. I don’t think he has an entitled right to rummage around my kitchen looking for MORE snacks than I left for him, especially when his own home is literally attached to mine. Where else is he snooping while I’m away?
Ewwwww.
AITJ here for being upset, and how, oh how, do I keep our mutually beneficial arrangement without me losing trust, or him stopping, if I bring it up? Isn’t 13 years old enough to know this is wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here really but perhaps you should do a better job of communicating what food is off limits.
By telling him to relax and make himself at home you didn’t really set up clear boundaries. By setting out food for him you almost made it seem as if you wanted him to feel free to eat – especially since you indicate that the food wasn’t really hidden but could be seen if someone was looking for food – i.e. it wasn’t hidden in your drawers.
In those circumstances, a kid who is told to make himself at home and stay for as long as he wants might feel that it wasn’t inappropriate to open the refrigerator or pantry looking for an easy-to-eat snack. Since he is a good kid otherwise and the arrangement works, why not be explicit in terms of what can be eaten and what not.
And if you don’t want him opening the refrigerator or pantry or eating anything other than the specific items then let him know.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ of course, but you don’t say if you set boundaries around the contents of the kitchen? If not, no jerks here.
Ideally, he shouldn’t be rummaging your cupboards, but he’s a kid, and you’d already provided him goodies, so the assumption wasn’t a stretch. So. Sit him down and have a kind but very firm discussion about what he can and cannot do in your home.
Reiterate that you’re pleased with the arrangement and don’t want to lose trust in him – lay the guilt trip on as thick as you like. Let his reaction guide you from there, but if he’s appropriately apologetic I’d be inclined to give him at least one more chance.” Shoereader
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ve worked as a pet sitter. You don’t take anything from the home of the person you are sitting for. I have sometimes had people say “Help yourself to what you want from the fridge,” etc., and then I might do so.
And sometimes one friend I sit for will ask me to take some of her food if she’s away on a long trip because otherwise it would just go bad. But without that okay, nope. You’re being too kind, esp by already baking treats for him (I’ve never had a person I’ve sat for do that!).
I think everyone who’s said no jerks here is being far too kind as well. A 13-year-old is certainly old enough to know right from wrong, and that looking after a person’s home doesn’t mean you have free access to everything in the home. You need to bring this up with the family.
Personally, I don’t think I’d let the kid sit again if that happened to me. But your relationship with your neighbors may be different.” stroppo
11. AITJ For Telling A Woman Her Perfume Was Too Strong On A Plane?
“20th hour of travel for me. After a 3-hour delay on my final 1-hour flight, a pretty, preppy young lady sits in the middle seat, I’m in the window.
She already reeked of perfume, but she pulls out a heavily odorific hand sanitizer and slathered herself. I am literally sick to my stomach, but hold my tongue, thinking it would wane soon. It didn’t.
Minutes later, as I peek out from under my mask to adjust the air vent and she asks if I’ll open the blind for her to see.
Yes, I say… but grumpy me lets out “your fragrance is very strong.” Sorry, she replies sheepishly. I pull down my sleep mask and bear my stomach sickness in exhausted silence for the rest of the flight.
When we land, she turns to me and claims she has no sense of smell, that I made her flight very uncomfortable, and that I should be more sensitive to what other people are going through.
Also, she says, her husband said the sanitizer smelled nice. I keep my cool but tell her she should not use fragrances next time she flies. Honestly, the moment I left the plane, I felt better.
Question: Am I the jerk for speaking up? Was there a better way to handle that situation?
I wasn’t trying to upset her, just to breathe and suggest she back off the perfumes. If it were just her sanitizer, she could have (as she suggested) washed her hands. She didn’t. I’m not sure if she learned a lesson, or what I could have done differently, other than try to switch seats with someone, which might have hurt her more.
What do y’all think?”
Another User Comments:
“Tbh NTJ. If you weren’t rude about it, there’s nothing wrong with letting someone know, especially if you’re sitting next to them that it’s very strong and (literally) making you feel ill to your stomach.
Yes, she’s not wrong to say that you should be more sensitive to other people’s situations, but it literally works both ways lol. Some people don’t like fragrances, some smells make people sick. I get migraines or headaches from smelling potpourri/overly fruity-smelling perfumes.
I move away from the person if I can, but if I can’t, I will let them know lol.” Snommies
Another User Comments:
“Eh, very soft YTJ. You telling her that her fragrance is too strong wasn’t going to change anything, and I’m not sure some random person on a plane telling her that is going to have the impact you were looking for.
I have been in this exact situation. I’m extremely sensitive to smells, super migraine trigger for me which is usually accompanied by vomiting. Anyways. I was sat next to a woman who smelled like she poured the whole perfume bottle on herself. Almost as soon as I sat down I felt sick.
I just got up and walked to a flight attendant asking if there was any chance I could be seated further away from this woman due to the circumstances and fortunately, someone at the back of the plane was happy to switch spots as they didn’t like flying in the back.” Stranger0nReddit
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If you had a genuine medical sensitivity to smells, you could have asked the cabin crew to change your seat or told her more gently. What happened is you just didn’t like something and decided that your experience was more important than anyone else’s.
You commenting on her fragrance had no effect on the outcome. She can’t take it off. She wasn’t applying more. Your comment was made simply to try to change someone else’s really innocent behavior. That’s a jerk thing to do. Also, all hand sanitizer smells.
The smell lasts for 15 seconds. Nose blindness can happen as quickly as two breaths. You probably stopped smelling anything at all before takeoff. The mask over your nose and the comment seem like a childish tantrum.” zew-kini
10. AITJ For Exposing My Sister's Fake Pregnancy To Her Partner?
“I (22F) have a sister “Hannah” (24F) who faked a pregnancy to guilt trip the guy into staying in a relationship with her.
Backstory: My partner and I set Hannah up with one of his buddies “Alex” (26M) and they immediately started going out. 3 months into the relationship, Alex asked for space because Hannah was being overbearing, insecure, jealous, and controlling.
Always freaking out about him being unfaithful when he didn’t answer his phone or text her back immediately. The space gave him an opportunity to reconnect with an old flame and so he called it off with Hannah. She lost it completely.
One month later she confided in me about thinking she was pregnant.
I took her to the pharmacy and bought her a test. I was there when the results came back negative. She seemed visibly upset but didn’t talk about it afterward. I found out later that she had lied to Alex and told him her test was positive and he freaked out and told her he wouldn’t walk away from his first kid.
For weeks he was stressed out about having to live with her forcefully.
When I found out, I confronted her about it and she cried and repeatedly told me she just “didn’t want to lose him.” The fight got nasty and in my rage, I messaged my partner to help me meet up with Alex.
I told him the truth about her negative test and her lies, he was absolutely relieved and immediately left the state to go back home. He blocked her on everything and never looked back. My sister called me a traitor, told me I ruined her life, and is now saying that she’ll ruin mine.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Change all your passwords, make sure to enable 2-factor authentication on everything, delete any compromising photos from all media and cloud accounts, lock down who can see your social media, do not friend or IM with anyone you don’t know, get some cameras for your home/yard, save all text messages & emails from your sister, get credit monitoring.
Make sure your partner does the same. You may think I’m overreacting, but most of these things should be done anyway and your sister is both obsessive AND off the rails.” Corpuscular_Ocelot
Another User Comments:
“Wow. NTJ, but your sister needs help. YOU ruined her life because SHE was lying to a man about being pregnant?
Ummm — nope, she did that all by herself. It would have come out sooner or later, anyway, when no baby bulge appeared, or the baby was after a 15-month “pregnancy”, because you know darn well that she was being intimate with him during that time hoping that she WOULD become pregnant.
Being a sister does not mean supporting poor and immoral choices. Trapping a man into a relationship by lying about being pregnant is all kinds of immoral. No love there — no one who actually loved someone else would ever subject them to that kind of lie.
Any way you can put some distance between you and your sister? And, honestly, this is a woman who needs therapy/counseling — her total disregard of anyone else’s needs or wants other than hers is narcissistic, and her behavior during the relationship — the jealousy and insecurity — is just going to pop up again in the next relationship and keep sabotaging relationships until she figures out that the problem isn’t them, it’s her.” Alarming_Paper_8357
Another User Comments:
“NTJ FULL STOP. This is similar to the sister of an OP who lied about EVERYTHING ABOUT HER. Her job profession, income, HOUSE, degree, for I believe a few years maybe. And OP told her sister’s partner when he mentioned OP’s sister in a passing comment.
These women are all about control and living fantasies no matter who gets hurt. You did nothing wrong and I am so grandly proud that you went straight to Alex and not dwelled on the thought ‘should I?’” [deleted]
9. AITJ For Wanting To Take The Guitar I've Been Using For Years To College?
“My sister and I have a one-year age difference, she’s older. When she was in fifth grade, she was really into a lot of bands with guitar leads. The immediate effect of this- she really wanted a guitar.
So, for her 10th birthday, my parents bought her a nice guitar. Took a few months of lessons, decided she didn’t like it, and her “band phase” was long since gone. That guitar was left to rot in our basement. My parents were pretty bummed that she didn’t stick with it, and rightfully so.
Either way, it couldn’t be helped. They didn’t force her, so the guitar just sat there for a while.
Fast forward to high school. I’m a freshman, my sister’s a sophomore. One day, I remembered that old birthday gift of hers. I retrieved my sister’s guitar from the basement and played around with it.
Lots of the music I listened to had guitar, and it was fun to try and play simple things. So, I started playing it more and more frequently. Improving meant my options for what to play opened up greatly, and my dad was excited that I’d started playing.
He got back into it too, and overall the situation was very positive. My sister didn’t mind at all. She was perfectly fine with me playing it, even encouraging me because she thought it was cool.
After a while, we stopped calling it her guitar.
Everyone referred to it as mine, and this didn’t seem to bother her. After all, she repeatedly refused to try and learn anything. It just didn’t interest her, and I respected that.
Near the end of my sophomore year, I bought myself an electric guitar.
Playing the guitar just became my “thing”. Everybody knew it.
Major time skip – I just graduated. I was accepted to a college pretty far from our house, and also far from my sister’s college. Still driving distance, so at the end of my senior summer we packed all my stuff and prepared to make the long drive.
My sister had been home that week to help.
I had been inside, grabbing something when I heard her yell from the car, “What is this?” I ran out, worried, and I saw her holding the guitar in its case. “My guitar?” I said, completely confused. And my sister flipped out.
Screaming about how I had no right to take her belongings, about how she’d never officially given the guitar to me, on and on.
That was a week ago. She made me leave the guitar home. Since then, we’ve been fighting nonstop. I still want to take the acoustic guitar, even though I have my own electric one.
She keeps saying I don’t need it because I have my own, and that I’m just being greedy, but I don’t see what I’m doing wrong.
It’s true that she never officially gave me the guitar, but at this point, I thought it was automatically mine.
She hasn’t touched it in almost a decade.
So, AITJ for trying to take my sister’s guitar to college?”
Another User Comments:
“”It’s true that she never officially gave me the guitar, but at this point, I thought it was automatically mine. She hasn’t touched it in almost a decade.” That’s not how stuff works, it’s still hers.
I think she could be a nice sister and give it to you, but if your attitude is that it’s already yours and she needs to give it to you, then I can see why she’s not doing it. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t use it, it’s her possession, if she wants to display it or sell it or leave it to rot that’s her decision.
Offer to buy it off of her, but you didn’t get squatters rights just because you used it for years. YTJ because it is hers and you should not keep arguing with her about it.” Sufficient_Cat
Another User Comments:
“ESH. There’s a legal principle called adverse possession.
Although it applies to real property, it’s completely reasonable that you thought of the guitar as yours when you’ve treated it as yours for years, everyone has referred to it as yours and your sister never objected. Since it was originally hers, she has the right to object to you taking it but in my opinion, she’s a jerk for doing it for no reason.
It feels like a toddler who only wants the toys that his siblings are playing with. And you’re a jerk for prolonging the fight. Are you sure that the guitar isn’t a proxy for some other issue?” Legally_Blonde_258
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Obviously, she should just give you the guitar instead of being selfish BUT with that in mind, it would still be hers to give.
It was her gift and until she tells you otherwise it doesn’t belong to you. Maybe if you explained the sentiment behind how much it would mean to have the guitar you learned to play on, she would give it to you? I would also add that she sucks especially for not living at the house anymore but expecting something in the basement she never touched to stay there with no one using it.” pinkwineenthusiast
8. AITJ For Predicting My MIL's Marriage Won't Last And Asking Her To Leave After She Humiliated Me?
“MIL is getting married in a few weeks.
They’ve been together for a little over two years and honestly, their relationship seems really perfect. We even lived with them for a little while when we were broke, so I don’t get the sense they are just faking it in public.
The other day she came over to meet our 6-month-old son.
My mom was there and MIL mentioned in conversation that she and her fiance used to hate each other so much that they got HR called frequently. He laughed and said MIL damaged his car, falsely accused him of a crime, he spread inappropriate rumors about her, and ruined her at the time relationship.
I was shocked and blurted out that their marriage wasn’t going to last.
MIL called me ridiculous. My mom told me I was being rude and it was “kind of cute.” I said sorry, but I was just totally shocked and that is my honest opinion that even if they haven’t been toxic to each other since getting together, that is insane, and I don’t know how you could get over that.
MIL’s fiance pointed out that I work a dead-end job and couldn’t understand how cutthroat their industry is or how driven he is, which is why he claims they hated each other. I just shrugged and let that one go. Then MIL blurted out in front of everyone that I shouldn’t judge her because we hardly have an intimate life and probably haven’t been intimate since my son was born.
I was in absolute shock and humiliated. We do struggle a lot with that (though to be clear my husband did not tell her that) and I couldn’t believe she would go that low. I told her to get out. MIL said I was being unfair because I started it.
My husband texted her that night that she will not be welcome in our home for a long time, and MIL replied that we were being dramatic and why am I allowed to talk nonsense. I feel like what I said doesn’t even compare to what she said.”
Another User Comments:
“Textbook ESH. Yes you’re the jerk for saying something rude about MIL’s relationship. Be an adult and if you don’t have something nice to say don’t say anything at all. Your MIL is the jerk for making a blatantly rude comment about your intimate life.
If she doesn’t have something nice to say, she shouldn’t say anything at all. It’s okay to be angry about the comment that she made AND admit that you were in the wrong too. Apologize AND set boundaries. She’s the jerk AND you’re the jerk.” XL_popcorn
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I get it, we all stick our foot in our mouths sometimes. And their marriage probably won’t last. But that’s stuff you keep inside your head. You did apologize and they should have gracefully accepted that. But they didn’t.
But can you expect anything less from a woman who keyed someone’s car and accused him falsely of a crime? Or anything more from a man that spreads inappropriate rumors about someone? They deserve each other. And I also agree with limited contact with these people.
They aren’t good people. Good luck, that’s a cluster mess.” EmuPossible2066
Another User Comments:
“ESH, but her more so. You absolutely did start it, you need better self-control and it’s not appropriate to say things like that to people in a relationship, regardless of how shocked you are by a revelation.
However, she tried to get back at you with the dead-end job quip, didn’t get the rise she wanted, and took it way too far. She escalated the conflict way beyond manageability and I don’t blame you for asking her to leave. As an addendum though, it might be worth finding out how she got the info about your intimate life, if your husband hasn’t told her someone else knows and has.” polychromiyeux
7. AITJ For Being Upset That My Husband Took A Vacation After Agreeing To Work On Our Marriage?
“My husband and I recently got into a huge fight that ended in us both deciding to divorce.
To my surprise, I woke up two days later to my kid asking why daddy is getting on an airplane. I checked his location and sure enough there he was, at the airport. He said he wanted to be out of the house while I packed my things and moved out.
Fast forward to later that day, we talked it out and eventually decided to give our marriage one last try and start counseling together. But the thing is, he wanted to stay in (insert state here) for over a week longer to relax and spend time with his family.
He bought a one-way ticket because he wasn’t sure how long it would take me to get moved out. I was pretty upset, I never agreed to him basically taking a vacation over 1k miles away from home. It was never discussed or planned for.
He was only supposed to be gone while I packed.
I have recently been going through a tough time, and I’m not in the right mental space to be taking care of two kids alone. I don’t believe it’s fair to leave me to do all the housework and childcare by myself while he gets to go out and live child-free for over a week.
I believe the kids are just as much his responsibility as they are mine. I feel like his actions are disrespectful. Why would he just expect me to be the one who has to shoulder all familial responsibilities, just because I’m the wife?
He’s justifying all of this by saying he needed space from me, despite agreeing to work things out.
Now I get needing space, but I think that can be done within our area. Not halfway across the country where he effectively doesn’t have to change diapers or do any dishes. He at the very least could have taken one of our children with him.
Not to mention, he’s still texting me, calling me, and asking for inappropriate pictures (eye roll). Doesn’t really seem like he wants that much space.
I’ve talked to both his parents and mine and nobody is on my side. Am I really being irrational here?
I mean I’m willing to accept that, I just genuinely want somebody to explain how it’s okay for him to act like he doesn’t have kids for the next 10 days while I take care of literally everything by myself. Because nobody in either of our families has been able to do that for me yet.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE WITHOUT FIRST CONSULTING AN ATTORNEY. Can’t afford one? Borrow. Or use the money you were going to spend on marriage counseling with someone who thinks the perfect way to approach reconciliation is to leave in the middle of the night and dump you with all of the household and child care responsibility for 10 days.
The decisions you make right now can impact the rest of your life. Ignorance is expensive. Consult an attorney. Good luck.” saurellia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t move out, the house is a shared marital asset at the moment and will stop being considered so legally when you move out.
Instead, stay and file for divorce. Your husband can find another nanny to manipulate while he goes on vacation for a week! I am baffled that his idea of giving the marriage one last try looks like taking an impromptu week-long vacation, and I don’t think you should put up with it.
Get yourself a lawyer, not a therapist.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Gosh, I want to tell you to pack a few clothes, place the bags by the door, and the minute he gets home, grab them and as you are walking out the door yell “I need some space too.
See you in 2 weeks”. But, he sounds selfish enough to get a divorce lawyer to accuse you of abandonment. On the other hand, it might be nice for you to film his panicked reaction BEGGING you to stay and post it all over social media.
Sounds like he is a jerk who thinks he is married to a doormat. Don’t be a doormat. NTJ.” YeeHawMiMaw
6. AITJ For Wanting A 50/50 Financial Split With My Partner In Our Blended Family?
“My (now) partner and I weren’t in a relationship when we moved in together. We were just 2 friends, and I had 2 kids with me (his 2 kids would also be at the house every 2nd weekend). I suggested at the time that everything would be split 70/30 since I had more people living at the house on a more regular basis.
2 months into living in the same house (separate rooms) we began an intimate relationship and have been “together” since (so like 5 months). Things tend to move pretty quickly when you’re already living together and we’ve been discussing long-term goals.
Goals which include finances.
So the only 2 things that have been split 70/30 since we began living together are rent and groceries. I still pay ALL utilities (internet, electricity, water etc). I also take care of 70% of the rent, and 70% of the food.
Tonight we had a massive argument because I’m always running in the red financially and he’s getting defensive over me asking him to take the split more 50/50 if we’re in a relationship making joint goals with finances involved… I’ve tried to talk about things like this before and have done a budget showing where every cent of my money goes, and he’s refusing to participate in that stating that outside of household expenses essentially it’s none of my business… he can afford to take his kids places and do stuff with them when he has them, but I can’t do the same with mine because I’m paying nearly everything for the house.
Am I the jerk for expecting the same amount of transparency from him with finances as I’m giving? And for expecting things to be more 50/50??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because he’s not paying towards any of the utilities and likely taking up more than 30% of the home and food, BUT I do think 50/50 is wrong in a situation like this.
Your children are to be supported by both parents, not their parents’ SOs. So if you don’t have enough for your children, you need to revisit child support and your spending, including the subsidizing of your partner. I’d divide rent and utilities by 2x adults + (% of time spent in the home) # of children, with you each covering yourself + your own children.
However, if one of the four rooms is permanently reserved for his kids, then his share of the rent needs to reflect that. For food, he’s a man and men eat on average 30-60% more than women. He’s likely eating more than he realizes.
If you two can’t agree on food, I’d let him feed himself and his own kids and do his own grocery shopping for a while so he can see the true cost. He may conclude it’s a better deal to go 50/50 with you on that than do it all himself.” newbeginingshey
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean that suddenly things should be split 50/50 as the makeup of the blended family has not changed. Your 2 kids still live there full time while his doesn’t. His kids are basically there less than 1/7 of the month.
Everything should be divided by 30. You pay 21/30 = 7/10 of the cost and he pays 3/10. So your 70/30 split is actually correct except that he should also pay 30% of utilities.” v2den
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here maybe? Money is always hard. Most of the time, there are 3 of you in the house and 1 of him.
It makes sense that he wouldn’t pay 50% of rent and food when it’s just him. When he moved in, you agreed on 70/30, and now you’re trying to change it. I get you’re in more of a financial bind, but that really isn’t his problem.
Yes, you are in a relationship, and if he really sees a future with you I think he should really consider contributing more so that you have a little more freedom with your finances and your kids, but he isn’t obligated. I think a good compromise, at least, would be helping with utilities since he uses those, too, and anything else that is shared.” ErinLynnInABox
5. AITJ For Letting My Roommate's Cat Eat My Foot Filings?
“Might be gross for some people, but I (29F) have some sort of skin condition that causes the soles of my feet to grow super tough, super dry thick skin. It is also extremely itchy. I have tried all of the lotions and creams, seen three different doctors about it, and nothing works as well as a good old-fashioned foot file.
I don’t want to say it’s the best part of the day, but getting a shower after work, sitting down, and scrubbing away the itchiest parts of my feet is pretty important to me. Especially after a long day at work where I’m on my feet ninety percent of the time.
My roommate (24F) has a cat “Louie” (2M) and he loves to hang out in the bathrooms, especially when people shower because there are heated floors. This was fine. I don’t care if the cat saw me showering. However, a few weeks ago, as I was doing my usual post-shower foot care, Louie came over and curiously started rooting around in the trash can.
It took me a minute to realize what he was doing: he was eating my foot filings! I laughed about it but took the trash away from him. After a bit, I got worried about him eating it and called the vet’s office who assured me that as long as my feet were clean, it wasn’t bad for him.
Later, I told my roommate about it, and she got really upset about it. She forbade me from letting him eat anymore, which I thought was kind of a lot, but agreed because he is her cat. Unfortunately, Louie is apparently hooked on the stuff and sits outside the bathroom door and yowls the entire time I’m in the shower, which kind of ruins my relaxation, and wakes my partner (30M) up as he often works nights or second shift. I tried to talk to her about it, but she said it was my fault for turning him into a cannibal in the first place.
After about a week, I gave up and let Louie back in the bathroom where I do the best I can to keep Louie from eating dead skin flakes. Sometimes, I am successful and sometimes I am not. But my roommate told me I was a jerk for this compromise.
Am I?”
Another User Comments:
“On a slightly related and equally gross note, my dog will eat toenail and fingernail clippings if he can manage it. Like literally, bolts into the bathroom when he hears the clippers and tries to get them before we can clean them up.
Will also go through the trash to eat them. Good on you for calling the vet to check that it wouldn’t hurt the cat. And NTJ. You’re doing your best. It’s not your fault the cat is weird.” chaosandpuppies
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not your fault.
I would purchase a cat-proof container (something with latches that clicks shut) to dump the filings in and then flush them down the toilet when you are done. Or wear earplugs & don’t let him in. Regarding the health concerns. Most pain creams can damage a cat’s kidneys (from the acetaminophen) so make sure your feet are washed thoroughly if you use anything on them.
What goes on your feet ends up in this cat. Sooner or later the cat would have meowed outside the bathroom door. That’s what cats do. Mine cries and keeps vigil when I use the bathroom. My son’s three cats do the same and now that his twin babies are mobile they have joined the crowd at his bathroom door.” polarbearhero
Another User Comments:
“I feel you. I have a cat that will eat anything. He’s blind too. I bought a lidded can for my bathroom garbage to keep him out. He’s so bad he would eat stuff like that. He will eat earplugs, q tips, all human food….
literally anything. It’s a problem. He’ll even try to clean my ears when I’m asleep. That said, NTJ. Good luck stopping him. I’d get a lidded garbage or hide it. While it isn’t harmful it’s a good idea to discourage cats from eating anything that isn’t their food because their stomachs are very sensitive.” littleln
4. AITJ For Not Directly Inviting My Mom To My Wedding?
“I’m 31M, my wife 28F, we got married a few years ago in America. My parents are both in their 50s.
A few years back my partner and I started looking at houses, we already technically lived with each other as I moved in with her (staying at her dad’s place) but this was us looking for our first place.
During the entire time we were looking, my mum was desperately trying to convince me to buy a house in the town I grew up in, I wasn’t against the idea but nothing suitable came up. My partner and I then found a place approx 20 minutes from where I grew up, we were excited, and on the day we found out our offer was accepted I took my mum for a drive to see my first house.
This is where it really all started, my mum told me my house was “in the wrong place” and that “it’s too far away” and quite a few other odd comments. Anyway, I shrugged it off a bit even though it hurt, eventually spoke to her about it, and said that it wasn’t fair to do that to me to which I got a reply of “I’ll just not say anything then.” Fine, whatever.
A few months later, I asked my partner to marry me, and sent a picture of the engagement ring to my mum and dad as I wanted to share my news as soon as possible and I got a reply from my mother saying “what’s that”.
So we’re then going to my parents’ house the next weekend for dinner (unrelated to the engagement) and the house has been decorated with engagement banners. I thought we’d maybe turned a corner, instead, we walked in, said hi to everyone and it was just silence, no congratulations or mention of being engaged, just completely ignored.
This then brings us to getting married, we aren’t big party people and really don’t like being the center of attention at an event so we looked into going abroad. We eventually settled on where we wanted to go, I messaged my parents with a picture of our venue and told them that’s where we’d booked, looks amazing, and that we want to have a dinner for family once we get back… My mum immediately left the WhatsApp group.
We didn’t outwardly invite anyone to our wedding but it wasn’t closed either, we had zero expectations for anyone to spend a couple of hundred to come to watch us get married, but on the complete flip side, when we told my wife’s mum where we were going she immediately said “I’m there” and was delighted for us.
So now, I’ve not spoken with my mum for a couple of years, my dad has pretty much followed in the same way although I’ve technically not fallen out with him.
AITJ for not outwardly inviting my mum? I feel like after the hurt she had previously caused with my two other big life moments I put up a wall and I was worried she would do the same again.”
Another User Comments:
“Have you considered your family’s POV of you clearly not wanting them around or involved, and that they are respecting your wishes by not imposing on you? You didn’t tell them about your engagement, you just sent them a pic of a ring.
So they acknowledged it as minimally as they could but went out of their way to not make more of it than you did. You didn’t invite them to your wedding, so they didn’t come. And they didn’t complain about it either. Why would they beg you when you’re clearly making your wishes known via actions?
They’re showing you a ton of respect here. You’re in your 30s. if you want something use your words. I wish my parents showed me half the respect your parents show you and you’re whining that they aren’t groveling at your feet and reading your mind at the same time.
You gave no history so no idea if you’re right to treat them like this or not, but for the specifics here, YTJ. Use your words. you’re an adult. act like it. If you don’t want them involved, don’t say anything. If you want them involved, tell them how.
Don’t put them into purgatory and then complain that they’re acting like they’re in purgatory.” binzoma
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Sending a photo is not “telling that I’m engaged”. Sending information regarding a venue is not “an invitation to come”. If I’m not invited – I’m not inviting myself.
If I wasn’t told directly that you are engaged – I won’t congratulate you, I don’t want to assume and potentially ruin a surprise. Yeah, your mum’s reaction to the house was strange, but she is allowed to dislike your place. If she followed her decision not to comment/criticize you are a bigger jerk, definitely.” Alda_ria
Another User Comments:
“You sent a picture of the engagement ring with no context or explanation (based on that response) but expected a celebration?? I’m confused, was the house decorated in engagement stuff or was that your expectation when you arrived? Seemed like they were waiting for y’all to make the announcement instead of bringing the attention to you.
You didn’t even actually INVITE your parents just said “hey we’re getting married here but let’s have dinner when we’re back”. You picked a destination spot to get married and didn’t offer any arrangements (not usually for people to reserve room blocks at hotels for guests to pay for), but it doesn’t say that you mentioned the dates or times of the wedding.
Let alone whether they can afford to go or not. You told your wife’s mom, was this in person or also over text? Because if it’s in person, that gives more of a “you’re invited” feel. It sounds like you don’t want your family involved in your life events because random text messages with zero context isn’t communicating.” Y****************l-
3. AITJ For Telling My Sister About My Partner's Pregnancy Before We Were Ready To Share The News?
“My partner “Dana” (25) and I (27) have been together for around four years now. We were set up by my sister, who Dana was work friends with, and they’re still really good friends to this day.
About three weeks ago, we found out that Dana is pregnant.
While we are both excited, we weren’t planning on telling anyone until the second trimester because she had a miscarriage before, so far the only people who knew were us, Dana’s sister, and Dana’s boss, because Dana has been dealing with morning sickness and has had trouble showing up for work on time.
The other day, I took my sister out to lunch and my sister asked if Dana was doing alright because she had been showing up to work late and left early because she was feeling ill the day before.
I let it slip that Dana is pregnant, but I told her that Dana and I weren’t really telling anyone just yet.
I also told her not to tell anyone. My sister agreed and said that she wouldn’t tell anybody.
The next day my sister and Dana worked together (I assume) and my sister asked Dana about the baby. My guess is that my sister did not mean any harm by asking and thought that I had told Dana that she knew about the pregnancy.
But Dana still called me after, furious that I had told my sister and “embarrassed” her.
Dana is upset with me because I told my sister, and because the decision was made without her. When I pointed out that she told her sister without telling me, she said that the situation was different and because I’m not the one carrying the baby that I should be more considerate.
I don’t think that telling my sister about the pregnancy was that big of a deal because 1. she would’ve found out eventually 2. it’s not just Dana’s news to share 3. It’s my sister, and she’s not going to go and tell everyone else.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You planned not to tell anyone until the second trimester due to a previous miscarriage. You then went back on this agreement. Next time don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep. A previous miscarriage/fear of one is a very valid reason to keep things on the down low.
Waiting until the second trimester is very common. Also, as soon as you told your sister about the pregnancy, you should have told your partner that you told someone. Being blind-sighted is never nice. This makes you an even bigger jerk.” Any_Cantaloupe_613
Another User Comments:
“Your sister is a jerk and should have clarified if she could talk to Dana about the pregnancy or not. YTJ because as the person carrying the pregnancy, the one who will have to physically deal with the pain of childbirth or god forbid another miscarriage, plus all the emotional anguish that comes with that, her choice to tell people matters the most. Dana didn’t have to react so strongly because as the father you do have the right to talk about your child, but it needs to be a joint decision to tell people.
I’m 97% on Dana’s side because if you told your sister, sis could easily tell your mom, mom tells dad, they each tell their parents, and everyone takes the approach that you did “it’s family member, and they’re not going to tell everyone” when really now Susanne the cashier at Safeway where your aunt’s second cousin works is suddenly asking Dana about it.
Especially after a miscarriage, many women are extremely careful about who they tell because once all those people know, if anything were to happen, they’re all going to have to be told. And Aunt Dolly might not be the most gentle or understanding that Dana may not want to discuss it.
And Susanne the cashier forgets she told Betty the Baker and in 6 months Betty asks Dana how the pregnancy is going and now she has to relive it. I totally agree that it’s not just Dana’s news to share, but to be frank, you don’t have the right to share it without at least letting her know, and you should ask.
YTJ.” batmandi
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Once you slipped you needed to have told your partner immediately so she wouldn’t be taken by surprise. And yes there is a major difference between her telling her own sister and you telling yours. The difference being it is HER body and she is the one who has had previous medical complications.
When women are pregnant and people know, they feel entitled to medical information. You say your sister would have found out, but really ask yourself. Would Dana have been ok with your sister knowing if the worst had happened? Or would she want to be able to grieve privately?
Also just because your sister SAYS she won’t tell doesn’t guarantee she won’t. After all, you also agreed not to tell and let it slip.” KkSquish17
2. AITJ For Suggesting My In-Laws Move Closer To Us Instead Of My Sister-In-Law?
“My inlaws live about 5 hours from us. My husband’s sisters live across the country, and no other family is around.
My inlaws are aging, and we have all started to worry about how we will be able to help them if something were to happen to their health.
Recently, my mother-in-law confided in me that she has the same fears. She told me that SIL #1 asked them to move closer to her (SIL #2 apparently has no opinion).
My MIL told me that, unfortunately, they absolutely do not want to move across the country. And she listed several reasons.
So, naturally, I asked if they had considered moving the 5 hours closer to us when they were ready. She lit up and started asking questions about the surrounding area.
All good until SIL #1 found out. Crap hit the fan.
Apparently, I am trying to “steal” her parents, that she needs the help more than I do (they have 2 young kids), and am being selfish.
Mostly I think she’s nuts, but…
I do wonder if I am the jerk because we don’t “need” them here like she feels she does.
And maybe I should have considered this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The in-laws are adults who are capable of making their own choices. The choice of being closer to family as they age makes sense, but ultimately which child they end up geographically closer to is still their decision.
Your SIL wanting them to move closer “for their health” while having the ulterior motive of using her parents as free childcare doesn’t entitle her to make the choice for them or to shame and insult you as being selfish when it isn’t your choice.” Emotional-Dot-9407
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What’s best for your inlaws is the only thing that should be considered – not SIL’s babysitting needs. They will (possibly) be moving for the purpose of being better looked after as they age and lose abilities. You should be considering who’s got the time and ability to be available for them, and also what the area has to offer – senior services, distance to medical facilities, etc. etc, etc. It seems like your SIL is having an instant emotional reaction and not really looking at the long game plan.
And this is all just a simple conversation right now, it’s not like anyone is scheduling a moving truck or anything…” TrainingDearest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ as long as you discussed this with your spouse and he’s on board and will “own it” to his sisters.
As far as the daughters go, screw them. If parents want to live near their son and wife, so be it. All of that being said, there’s a reason sometimes these conversations/decisions go better when they’re had between adult child and parents, not child-in-law and parents-in-law.
I love that you did this, but in the future perhaps your hubby could not take such a back seat with his family so that you aren’t seen as “that parent-stealing jerk” he married. LOL!” throwaway20698059
1. AITJ For Calling My Ex At 2AM To Comfort Our Daughter And Asking Him To Cancel His Vacation?
“Our daughter got sick while on vacation with her dad a few months ago and now whenever she’s upset she wants a specific parent to comfort her and it’s impossible to get her to calm down if you’re not the parent she wants.
A few nights ago, she woke up at 2 am after having a nightmare and wanted her dad. We’re separated and don’t live together, so I did try to calm her down myself first but she was getting more and more distressed. Eventually, I caved and called my ex to ask him if he could come over to comfort her.
He came over and managed to get her back to sleep but because she was sleeping on him, he didn’t want to move in case he woke her up again. He asked me to wake him up by 8 am as he was supposed to be leaving for a vacation with his partner a few hours later.
I asked him not to go because I was worried our daughter would want him while he was away. After discussing it, he agreed not to.
A few hours after he left, the partner called me as she was upset, I had asked him to come over at 2 am and because he canceled their vacation at the last minute because of me.
She told me I was acting like a jealous ex-wife and accused me of using our daughter to control my ex which isn’t true.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, massively and you are setting your daughter up for emotional difficulties. It is simply impossible to go through life this way and she needs to learn that.
Her wants will not always be met. And I say wants, not needs as this comfort was not a necessity. She was safe and cared for by a trusted adult. Additionally, if you are unable to parent yourself, consider parenting classes, you can’t expect other adults regardless of who they are to pick up your slack forever.
YTJ.” ClareSwinn
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Great that he came over at 2 am. Especially when he’s trying to leave the next day, that was being a very supportive co-parent and loving dad. Why is that not enough for you? Your daughter will have to be weaned off this phase.
IF it occurs when he’s not available you’ll have to deal with it…you know, like a parent yourself. You probably ARE jealous of the partner, no way would a rational person ask this of someone. If you cared about and respected your ex and weren’t jealous you’d wake him in the morning and wish him a good trip.” dart1126
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. While he’s a good dude, you can’t expect him to drop everything because you can’t handle your daughter. She’s gonna have to learn that he can’t always be there. It isn’t like she has cancer, it’s literally her whining and wanting a different parent.
She’s going to have to learn you aren’t together, and she can’t always get what she wants. You expected him to drop everything because you couldn’t handle her, and truthfully, it isn’t fair at all. He is your ex. He isn’t obligated to drop his life to run to you over every single matter you can’t handle with your kid.
Sorry to sound harsh, but it’s true.” Nothing-From-Nowhere
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