People Expect Us To Be Transparent When Judging Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

“My partner (M27) and I (F20) live in my home, recently his sister (F25) and her two toddlers have also moved in with us. It’s been really rough and our relationship has been on the rocks for a while.

Today he made the comment ‘guess who is gonna be putting up the tree today?’ I asked who… he said, ‘obviously you since it’s your house’. I didn’t agree and honestly, it kind of annoyed me but I just laughed it off.

From past knowledge, I bought my home when I was 18, about 8 months before I met him. He likes to use this against me and say it’s MY house I should do everything to take care of it such as chores, etc… it’s always bothered me so much.

Later in the evening, we were all sitting in the living room and they looked at me and said ‘hey you should go get the Christmas tree and decorations from the shed’. I didn’t realize he was serious until he said it was MY house and MY tree.

I’d also like to add we have been in the middle of a blizzard for the past week and temperatures are below-freezing and windy. I just said, ‘okay meet you out there’. I got all bundled up and went out to the shed… and guess who never came out?

I ended up having to take the tree in first, they both watched me bring it in and then just looked away and kept watching T.V. Then I made another trip and brought in all the decorations. This time when I came in he said: ‘well you forgot a part so you need to go back’.

I got frustrated and started looking for a flashlight because now it was pitch black outside and my phone died. My partner yelled from the couch at me and said ‘If you’re gonna keep acting that miserable we’re not gonna do this’.

I just looked over and said, ‘you have your partner going outside in a blizzard getting Christmas decorations for your family and you’re not helping, it’s freezing and slick outside!’ His sister just watched, and he got upset and walked away.

I ended up going back out there to look for the missing piece, I spent about 15 minutes looking for it and didn’t find it so I went back inside. They had already started while I was out there, I looked at my phone once I got to the charger and he texted me that I didn’t miss a piece.

Now I’m in the room while they are putting up and decorating the tree and he is upset with me for not helping. I also want to add I have several chronic pain disorders and nerve issues, my body doesn’t do good in the cold at all and I’m sore for days after.

I know Christmas is important to his family and I feel guilty for missing out. But he made me so upset.

A little update: I woke up this morning and came out to find out they didn’t even put it up!

He literally brought them all back out in the shed and is now blaming me his family won’t have a tree!”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, he sure is, and his sister too. You can use the excuse ‘it’s my house’ as well.

‘It’s my house so I don’t really want to have to live with people for whom I have to do everything.’ He probably knew about how bad the cold is for you, but he made you leave to search for the tree and the decorations all by yourself, then accused you of looking miserable when clearly you were because they were not helping you to do something they wanted to do and on top of that he didn’t have the decency to come out to look for you and tell you that you hadn’t forgotten anything, that you should come in and put up the tree all together instead of what happened. A person that cruel is not worth much, if I were you I would be like: ‘you know what?

It’s my house and you could start looking for a new one for you and your sister because our relationship is over.'” Madasahatter1602

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your partner is the jerk. He’s taking advantage of you. The it’s your house nonsense is garbage and I think maybe he’s doing it to you because you’re young and perhaps don’t realize how wrong that is.

As a person who lives in the house, he and his sister are responsible for as much of the housework as you, if not more if they’re not contributing rent.

If he’s going to persist at throwing the fact that it’s your house at you then you should start charging him rent since he thinks he just gets a free ride.

And even if he’s paying rent, he still needs to clean up after himself.

Personally, I think you should break up with him. I think he might be using you.” familyofrobot

Another User Comments:

“You are being used. And taken advantage of.

I don’t know why you are putting up with this. He’s awful, and you just go ahead and let him tell you what to do and pile all the responsibility and expense of living on you. And he invites his homeless relatives – with toddlers!

– to live with you, and you’re okay with it all. You didn’t refuse to do anything important. You need to get into some kind of recovery for yourself, therapy, counseling, a support group for people with jerk men – I dunno, something.

You really need help getting your self-esteem back and getting some backbone. NTJ on the tree. But you are heading for much more abuse, freeloading, and conflicts, and just awful living conditions if you don’t fix yourself.” Harmlessoldlady

“I (25F) have been with my partner (25M) since we were 19.

When we were 23, he was injured in a skiing accident. His injuries were so severe that he was paralyzed from the neck down and he has been semi-comatose ever since. Other than that he can do very little. He is no longer ‘there’, his body is essentially functioning on autopilot.

(There are more medical issues but I do not want to divulge his private information any more than I have to.) We were planning to get married. I still love him very much.

Since his accident, he has lived at the hospital and then with his parents — we lived together but our fifth-floor apartment was not suitable for his needs and I work too much to care for him.

His parents live 90 minutes out from our city. I visit 4/5 times a week, sometimes more if I can. It’s been a point of contention between his mother and myself that I do not visit every day. I literally cannot do this with the hours I work and I am scared I will get in a road traffic accident driving in the dark and icy conditions (we live in a very snowy, icy state – his family basically lives on a mountain and runs a ski resort so the roads are terrifying).

I work in a small and intensely competitive field. The salary I am on right now is fine for the city I live in (a major U.S. city) but I could be earning almost double if I relocate. I’ve been offered an amazing job across the country.

I really want to take it.

When I told his mother about how I was considering this job, she lost it. She told me I was an awful person to consider moving away from him. She said I was betraying him by abandoning him and moving on.

I told her that I couldn’t just stop living because of what happened. She started screaming at me. I am empathetic because I understand that she feels as though the world is moving on without him, I feel that way too.

I am very conflicted, I am unsure if it is wrong to do this. I and my partner had promised we would marry each other. I do feel like I am abandoning him. WIBTJ for taking the job?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You need to get on with your life. From what you mention, it’s unlikely he’ll ever recover… which is very sad. However, he is well-taken care of by his parents.

His mother is living a nightmare. She doesn’t want to be mean to you, but you need to understand what she’s going through… it’s nowhere near close to your pain.

For a mother to see her son like that, is heartbreaking. So, she takes her frustrations on you, the fact that you can continue with your life. Don’t blame her, but don’t mind her comments either.

Go live.” esk_7140

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This is an awful situation. I understand his mother’s reaction is stemming from grief and she most likely can’t see how she is hurting you. But if your partner is now basically braindead, which is what I understood from your description, then there isn’t much left to your relationship.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You do have the right to move on with your life and take the job. It is very understandable that you would feel guilt over this, but you need to do what is right for you.

I doubt there is any other way out of such a traumatic situation, I hope you are able to move on and heal from this.” BongingFool

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Things happen in life. Life is not fair!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a young 25-year-old wanting to move on from a relationship where your partner has literally become a paraplegic AND has no brain function.

You need to do what is right for you.

You are young. You need to work and live your life. Sadly this young man needs full-time care and that is no life.

His parents have chosen to be his carer.

And that is their choice. It does not have to be your choice.” LetsGetsThisPartyOn

“My daughter (10f) has wanted to adopt a cat for quite some time now. My husband (40m) and I (37f) discussed it and agreed that she’s now old enough to be able to take on some of the responsibilities that come with owning a cat such as cleaning the litter box.

Our son (4m) is also happy about having a pet but, to be honest, I don’t think he can understand the responsibility we are taking on. Our daughter was positively ecstatic when we told her we would be adopting a cat.

We sat her down and looked through some kid-friendly resources about the adoption process, proper cat care, etc. I suggested to her that she should do some of her own research on what owning a cat requires.

She must have found some online info about the plight of cats with disabilities and how much less likely they are to be adopted because the next day, she started telling me that we needed to adopt a cat with special needs because otherwise, no one would.

This took my husband and me by surprise but after some discussion, we agreed to not immediately refuse and to look at what special needs cats were available for adoption.

When we went to the websites of some local shelters to look at what cats they have up for adoption at the moment, she immediately zeroed in on a bonded pair of cats (9f, 9f) and one of them has chronic kidney disease.

My husband and I attempted to explain that according to the bio on the adoption website, she needs experienced owners who can provide a quiet no-stress (aka no kids) environment thus our family is not well-suited for them. However, the main reason for our refusal which we did not tell our daughter is that the costs that come with treatment and medication are considerable and would put a strain on our finances, especially with two cats instead of the agreed-upon one.

Our daughter reacted very negatively to our refusal, has been sulking for days, and involved my parents (her grandparents) when they came to visit. They think we should just let her adopt the cats because we could afford it if we adjusted our budgeting and cut down on some expenses.

We would rather not do that because that would mean not doing a family vacation next year and putting off some home renovations.

AITJ for refusing to adopt the cats?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I think a special needs cat would need an experienced owner unfortunately, and especially since your child is quite young if I were the shelter I would be concerned about the possibility that the cats may not be in the right home or the adopters may not be properly experienced (I have cats and have had ill cats it’s A LOT.

Do not underestimate it. A lot of the labor would fall to you as well).

It’s also a huge responsibility right off the bat.

But your child is clearly kind, thoughtful & empathetic so perhaps a compromise could work.

An older cat with FIV or something less demanding is a better beginner level. She could also volunteer at a shelter to gain more experience.

Older cats & black cats are also most likely to be left behind in shelters so really I think there is an easy compromise here for everyone to be happy.” scritchproductions

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Cats with chronic illness are hard to care for and are more expensive of course… plus the average life span for a cat now is 13 years believe it or not… add in chronic kidney disease and, the cats are already 9 years old which is geriatric basically.

Your child cannot grasp the reality of a situation like this…

It’s great that she really would like to adopt a cat that ‘no one’ would care for because it needs special requirements, but she is only a child and she personally can’t take care of a cat like that… like giving them medications, etc.

I personally have many cats… so I am saying with experience…

For her first cat, I think one without known issues is appropriate.” Wooden_Albatross_832

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She is still young and at the end of the day, you and your husband are ultimately responsible for the cats you adopt.

I think you made the right decision.

Your daughter doesn’t see it yet, but you really are doing her a favor. These cats are 9 years old and kidney issues can actually cause the special needs one to have a shorter life span.

Your daughter does not need a cat to leave prematurely as her first pet.

Not all special needs cats are immediately going to be expensive. I have an 8-year-old cat with Lupus (yes, apparently it can be Lupus), and she needs some meds during flare-ups but ultimately is okay, and I learned I can get the meds at a pharmacy rather than a vet, which also helps with costs.

I think taking your daughter to a humane society for her to bond with some kittens and cats in person might ease her pain of not getting those specific two, and if there is no special needs cat that fits the bill, you can always adopt a non-special needs one.

Her heart is totally in the right place, and you should be proud of that. But she has to learn that they aren’t the right ones and that the right one will fall right in her lap, so to speak.

You also mentioned these cats need a very low-stress environment, which you cannot guarantee in a home with young children. I think you would actually be the jerk if you got these cats.” omen-schmomen

“My (F31) mom passed away last year. My dad (56) married a woman (37) with a son (16) about six months later. I think that the age difference is a bit much but she is nearly 40 so it’s not like he’s robbing the cradle.

Whenever my parents went away I would always watch their dogs. They weren’t the dogs that I grew up with but they are good puppies. My mom would always call and let me know well in advance that they were going away and I would make sure that either myself or my partner would be around pretty quickly after the pups got dropped off.

They could behave themselves for a few hours and I would leave water out for them.

I do not have any pets myself. My work can involve traveling and my partner works out of town for two weeks and then has two weeks off.

Well, my dad and his new wife decided to go on a trip. But since it was never his responsibility he didn’t call. I was out of town. My partner was working. My dad has a key to my house for emergencies and to drop off the dogs.

My neighbor called me a day later about the dogs howling in my house to see if everything was okay.

I called my dad and he told me that he didn’t know I was out of town. I said that if he didn’t come to get them I was calling animal control.

So he had his new stepson come to my house to get the dogs. I have no idea why a 16-year-old kid who was trusted to stay home by himself could not just have watched the dogs in the first place.

When I got home I found a disaster area.

Dog crap and pee everywhere.

I don’t want to describe everything because it makes me angry.

To get everything that could be cleaned and replace my partner’s leather recliner, which was old but also destroyed, cost about $7,000.

I told my dad I expected him to pay for everything. He said that he would see if his homeowner’s insurance would cover it. They will but the deductible is a lot. And his premiums will go up.

So he said that he would take care of it.

It’s been a few months and I am sick of waiting. The limit for small claims court in my state is more than double what I want. So I am suing him.

He was served and called me to complain.

He doesn’t have the funds because he just bought a new car. He bought the car after my house got destroyed. I feel no pity.

But he and his wife keep trying to talk me out of pursuing this. They said that my dad paid for a good chunk of my student debt and that I owe him.

He and my mom did pay off about $10,000 of my student debt. And I was grateful. It is one of the reasons I had no problem dog-sitting for free.

But he says that if I take this money then he will not have money for things at his house.

He isn’t retired. And my mom had life insurance.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Guess what, your dad left all the interpersonal work to your mother. Now she’s gone it doesn’t even occur to him to check with you when he wants you to take care of his dogs.

This is because, from his point of view, when they went on holiday they just turned up and dropped off the dogs. Bet he sat around during the holidays and food just appeared in front of him, and that he had no idea what was inside the presents you opened as a child.

If this had happened while your mother was alive she would have made sure you’d been paid for your dad’s mistake and your dad wouldn’t have given it a second thought.

Your dad, fast approaching 60, now has to learn that he needs to take care of things himself.

His new wife clearly isn’t following behind him smoothing over the waves he’s made. He’s had months to make it right. I’d put money on his excuse being ‘you didn’t remind me’. That’s not your job. Tell them you’ll drop it if they pay you.

If they can’t afford their new car they’ll have to sell it.” Natural_Garbage7674

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – he clearly prioritized a new car over fixing your home. Not only is he an irresponsible pet owner but has no respect for you and your partner.

Don’t drop the case but make sure you document all interactions and communications between him and his wife. He should have taken care of the obligation like he said he would before making such a big purchase like this new car.

It is up to you if you wish to go no contact or low contact with him after you receive your payment in full as you are not important in his life and he has other priorities and you are not one of them.” littolostsoul

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I’d change the locks. Your dad went on vacation with his NEW WIFE WHO IS NOT YOUR MOM. He couldn’t have sent a text or called before dropping off the dogs. As if you don’t have your own life going on?

And the 16-year-old definitely could have just watched the dogs from the get-go. Again, change the locks. Your dad and stepmom suck. If they didn’t want to fork out 7K in damages, maybe don’t drop off dogs unannounced or figure out different arrangements.

He’s a grown man who went on VACATION and then bought himself a new car? Yeah no, he’s got the money. He just doesn’t want to cough it up to fix HIS mistake.” Kelleyy123

“My (26F) fiancé (28M) and I finally decided on renting an apartment together and have signed a one-year lease.

We were both looking forward to this, and we’d already started looking for furniture and appliances to put in our bare apartment. On my end, this will be the first time I live independently, and I’m super excited to set up our apartment as our home.

Just a few days after the lease contract was signed, we were informed by his mom (59F) that my fiancé will have to stay at their home for 3 months and I’ll have to be alone in the apartment. His sister’s (32F) husband will be on a business trip, and his mom decided that she stay with his sister in her home.

My fiancé will be accompanying his dad (61M) in their home.

While I’m all up for compromise, I feel like I was excluded in his mom’s decision (and frankly, kinda taken advantage of). Why do I have to be alone in our new, unfurnished apartment, so that his sister will have someone with her?

(Her home is in a gated subdivision and is just a 10-min drive to work). Meanwhile, this will be my first time in this neighborhood, and will likely need to adjust.

Fiancé proposed the following alternatives to his mom, but there seems to be no budging:

1. Both his parents stay at his sister’s home.
2. I stay with my fiancé at their home (and the apartment will be empty for 3 months).
3. Fiancé visits me every weekend in the apartment.

Fiancé mentioned I just give in to avoid conflict.

However, I’ve made up my mind to stand my ground because I also don’t want this to be a precedent to what will happen once we’re married.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your Future MIL is trying to establish that she controls her children regardless of their ages.

Since when can’t a 32-year-old woman stay alone in her home, or is there something about the 61-year-old father that means he can’t stay alone? Why does she get to dictate where everyone stays? (And if she’s so concerned about a 32-year-old woman staying alone, how does she explain her solution that demands a 26-year-old woman stay alone?)

You need to talk to your Fiancé – he needs to decide things for himself and not for his mother’s convenience. If he sees no problem abandoning you for no real reason, I’d rethink moving in with him and marriage at all.” ParsimoniousSalad

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Don’t compromise, because this is an indication of exactly how your lives together will be. This is not an emergency situation; it’s a planned thing involving someone’s career, & it’s almost certainly going to come up again at some point in the future.

There’s no good reason why SIL can’t stay with MIL & FIL during her husband’s business trip if she’s absolutely incapable of staying on her own. There’s no good reason why your fiancé has to babysit his father if MIL goes to stay with SIL.

Your fiancé needs to take this very seriously & make it clear to his mother right now that she cannot plan his life for him this way. If he doesn’t want to check her now, what do you think your married life will be like?” Far_Anteater_256

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

This isn’t your fight though, it is your fiance’s.

He needs to be the one to step up and say ‘no’. From what you have said, what is being suggested is not a logical solution – because one relative is lonely through the choices they have made, his mother had to solve that problem, which leaves his father with exactly the same problem, and getting your fiance involved just causes exactly the same problems again for you.

There would need to be a very good reason for you to accept that inconvenience over letting them just deal with it themselves or finding another solution (why doesn’t mum and dad both stay with the sister-in-law, or the sister-in-law just stay with them?).

The only excuse I could see would be where there are extenuating circumstances – poor health needing monitored, children and work to be balanced, or so on, but even then it isn’t your issue to deal with.” nrsys

“I (50F) have 5 kids, 16F 14M 11M, and the surprise twins after my husband’s vasectomy failed 4F.

My boys were with my husband at a hockey tournament when this occurred. I asked my daughter a few weeks ago if she wanted to babysit her sisters for the day last weekend while I ran errands. She declined despite knowing she would be paid her usual rate of $18 an hour PLUS the usual movie gift card if her sisters had a good time (about $50).

And said, ‘No, I’m going to a friend’s house.’ I said that was fine and was going to cancel my plans. I can’t watch kids without a babysitter.

A couple of days later, I received a call from one of my daughter’s friends asking if I still needed a babysitter.

I said yes, and she said that she wanted to start babysitting on the side and if it would be ok if I let her do it. I said absolutely, and if it goes well, she can be my go-to if my daughter doesn’t want to do it and offered her the same rate as my daughter $18 an hour plus the movie gift card if the girls want her to come back and I’d leave a review for her on whatever app she wanted to use to get other gigs.

She agreed. Now to the part where Am I the Jerk steps in. I was gone all day Saturday (like I do once a month – from 9 am to 5 pm).

So when I got home I paid my daughter’s friend, the girls loved her and said she does far more than my daughter with them and want her again whenever I went on Saturdays because she to quote the four-year-olds ‘actually plays with us and isn’t on the phone all day.’ I asked what they meant, and they explained how my daughter brings them to McDonald’s at lunch to tell me lies about what they do together and how their sister lets them do naughty things as long as they clean it up.

Of course, I explained to the kids that we can’t lie about what we do with babysitters because sometimes bad things happen and mommy needs to know right away. They said ok and continued playing.

So my daughter comes home a couple of hours later after a convo with her dad about punishment, we both agreed she’s not going to babysit the girls if she’s that irresponsible.

So I called my daughter’s friend and said she has a permanent babysitting gig with us if she wants it and she agreed.

My daughter came home and I sat her down after the other kids went to sleep with my husband.

We both explained what the girls told us and that we would like to hear her side of the story and she confirmed everything the 4-year-olds said. So we said she’s fired from babysitting the kids. She LOST IT. And called us unfair and that we’re jerks.

Being a teenager she posted it on TikTok and it gained a bit of traction including from other parents saying what we did was unfair. So AITJ for firing my daughter from babysitting?

Edit: Naughty things include the following watching The Quiet Place, letting them watch TV all day, letting them only have candy at snack times, painting in the bathroom tub with acrylic paint, etc.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You hire a babysitter to care for your kids and be responsible with them. Not ignore them & bribe them to lie to you. Your daughter was irresponsible and let them do ‘naughty things’, and depending on what those are, could have put them in a hazardous situation.

With that many kids to look after, anything can happen and she needed to have her full attention on them. She’s just learned a valuable ($18/hr’s worth) lesson that there are consequences for her actions, or in this case, non-action.

If this were a real-world job, she would have been fired.

I also wouldn’t worry about what other people have to say about it (especially on TikTok), people will take any opportunity to parent-shame you no matter what you do.

You & your husband discussed and decided what was an appropriate response and it’s no one else’s business what goes on in your house.” DeeVa72

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Being a generally uninterested childminder who gives up a lot of sweets and half-hearted monitoring is pretty typical of a teenager watching young siblings.

Letting 4-year-olds watch horror movies and bribing them to lie to their parents is NOT. She should have been embarrassed and chastened when she got busted and punished. Instead, she lost it on you. That alone would have gotten a more severe punishment from me.

I also wonder about this TikTok where she got all the support. Did she lay out what she was being paid, and exactly what she got fired for?

Regardless, in this house, there would now be a teenager writing a research paper on the impacts of horror movies on young children, and why it is dangerous to train kids to lie to their parents.” ImaginaryAnts

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Firstly because you always made it optional and paid your daughter to babysit, at a rate that’s clearly decent if her friend is happy to work for it, and secondly because even if this was an obligation you were putting her under, the bare minimum is she looks out for their welfare or point blank refuses and takes the consequences.

You’re genuinely saying ‘If you don’t want to it’s fine, but if you do want to it’s a paid job and these are the duties you are paid to complete.’ I can’t think of what could be fairer. If she was being paid to work in a family Magic Unicorn Shop you’d expect her to ring up sales and greet customers.

This is no different.” Ebechops

“My dad and his best friend are both single dads. My dad has 2 kids (18f (me) and 12f) and his friend has 1 (11f).

My dad built a triplex and we live on the first floor and they live on the second. Neither of them is very well off. My uncle is a nurse and my dad is a contractor/handyman.

When I was younger we had a nanny that they split the cost for.

She lived in the basement apartment for free and my uncle paid her like a thousand a month. She was older though (she was 60 when she started working for us) and she retired last year. She gave me and my sister the period talk but she wasn’t able to do that for my cousin.

Our moms are not in the picture, by the way. I’m the new ‘nanny’ (I drive them to/from school and activities and make dinner when both dads are working and in exchange, they pay for my car and state school tuition and give me a few hundred a month as spending money) and I’m pretty much the only woman in both of their lives except for teachers.

My cousin just had her first period and didn’t know what to do so my uncle called me and asked me to come over, talk to her, show her how to use pads/tampons, and just make sure she was ok.

I brought over some of my sister’s pads, talked to her about what was going on, and we got ice cream.

When we got back, she went to her room and I asked her dad why he couldn’t talk to her himself.

It’s finals week, I have other stuff to do, and he’s a nurse. He should know how everything works and what to do. He told me to go home and study and told my dad I was rude to him.

My dad said I should’ve been nicer because he was stressed out about it and wanted a woman to explain it to her. He wants me to apologize for being rude but I don’t think I was wrong.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“You are NTJ. While I can understand the uncle preferring a female to explain it to the girl, since some girls end up more comfortable talking to another girl rather than a man about such things, there was no excuse for the uncle to then turn around and accuse you of being rude.

He should have calmly explained his reasoning on why he considered it better to have a female teacher for this rather than lashing out.” MaySeemelater

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

He should have asked the daughter who she wanted to hear from and let the daughter know she could speak to both him and OP about stuff related to periods.

Men need to be able to go and buy pads/tampons (and chocolate) and they need to be able to talk about periods as if they are normal.

When the two younger girls get to bra shopping age it would probably be better for OP to offer to take them simply because she has had the experience of the first fitting.” OwnedByACrazyCat

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. When these guys use words and phrases like ‘be nicer’ and call you ‘rude’ what they mean is that you didn’t immediately do what they wanted and had the nerve to point out that since you aren’t the parent it’s not your responsibility to have these conversations.

You have been assigned the default parent role and you need to put your foot down now and reorientate their expectations or this sort of thing will continue. You don’t have a parental role to this uncle/best friend’s kids, in fact, you’d be better off telling them to find a new nanny before this situation start to have a significant effect on your life as they decide you need ‘to be around more’ to look after the kids.” JBW66

“My (46 F) daughter just turned 17 last week. She loves surprises, so I threw her a surprise party. I called/texted/contacted all her friends and invited them.

My daughter has been best friends with ‘Matt’ (17 M) since elementary school, and they started going out 2 years ago.

Matt is a really sweet boy, and he treats my daughter very well. I called Matt to tell him about the party, and he was a bit confused. He told me that he and my daughter had broken up 2 weeks ago.

That was news to me. My daughter was still going out at least twice a week, always telling me she was going out with Matt. She had even told me she was going out with Matt the night before I called Matt.

I still have no idea where she’s been going, and it’s very concerning to me that it must be something bad because she’s keeping up the ruse that she’s still with Matt. Plus, she’s been hanging out with some new people in the last few months.

One of them is a person who my daughter used to joke about being an addict. She doesn’t make those jokes anymore, but she used to make them very seriously and frequently. So that concerns me a lot.

I didn’t say this all to Matt.

I apologized for calling him and told him to have a good day. Before I hung up, he asked if he actually could come to the party, as he really wants to talk to my daughter and she’s been distant at school.

Again, Matt is a really good kid, and he’s known my daughter for a long time. If she was really into something dangerous, like substance or drinking problems (which sadly runs in my family), talking to him might be able to help her out it.

So, I told Matt he could come to the party, but he had to leave if my daughter asked him to leave.

Well, the party was last week, and my daughter was surprised by all her guests. But she got really mad when she saw Matt.

I saw her having an angry conversation with him, and he left shortly after that. After the party, she told me that she and Matt were broken up, and she couldn’t believe he had come. I told her that I had known they were broken up, but I invited him because I thought it might be good for him to talk to her.

She was livid. She called me a terrible mother, and she’s been cold to me ever since.

I understand how I could have hurt her, but I still don’t know if I was fully in the wrong in this situation.

I love her more than anything, and I really wanted to do what was best for her. I’m sort of lost, so I was hoping you all could give me a judgment so I can understand this situation better.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“If Matt hadn’t told you about the break up then you wouldn’t have been the jerk, because she didn’t tell you either so it would be her fault. But you have said you were indeed informed of the breakup, and you had only heard Matt’s side of the story.

Even if you think you know someone, there’s always the chance they would do something you didn’t expect, maybe Matt managed to really hurt your daughter during the breakup, and seeing him again therefore really upset her. Regardless of whether he hurt her or not, springing a confrontation upon her at an event that is supposed to be positive and a happy occasion for her is not ok.

This was not the time or place for them to talk out their issues even if she was informed beforehand. YTJ here.” MaySeemelater

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. Your underage daughter has been lying to you for weeks, saying she’s hanging out with her apparently ex when she’s instead doing who knows what with God knows who.

But, after reading your story I can see where she gets her manipulative ways from.

At the end of the day, this is just another half-baked story where, had any of the people involved communicated, we wouldn’t be here.

Your daughter didn’t tell you she broke up with Matt for a reason—she doesn’t trust you, and that should be your chief concern. Instead of writing posts on here, you really need to sit down and have a talk with her.” Tmoran835

Another User Comments:

“Soft YTJ – when he said he wanted to talk to her but she was being distant at school, you should have dropped the importance of the surprise and focused on communicating with your daughter and you certainly should not have thought it was a good idea for him to bombard her on her birthday.

Overall this is a situation of happenstance, but she’s a teen and her communication skills are going to be all over the place. You need to take initiative when something like this is presented to you.” Striking_Winter_9709

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here – she’s been lying to you for 2 weeks about where she is and who she’s seeing, you could have very much had plausible deniability about not knowing they had broken up. You still shouldn’t have let him come, and maybe you could’ve had a more constructive conversation with her after the party explaining that you tried to invite Matt but he told you they broke up 2 weeks ago so what’s going on with her/where is she when she’s out.

You seem to have good reason to be concerned given your familial link to addiction and this 180 change in her opinion of someone whom she claims is an addict. All in all, she sucks for lying to you and you suck for allowing Matt to come and not handling this a better way.

I hope she is safe and not in any trouble with her disappearing acts.” noicen

“I’m a recovering heavy drinker and I am childfree.

A week ago, my family decided to celebrate my father’s birthday at a restaurant.

I’m trying to stay sober, but I hadn’t told my family yet for fear of relapsing and just looking stupid, so I just ordered lemonade and water for a drink.

Apparently, I guess my mom took it as a sign that I’m ‘hiding’ something important, i.e pregnancy, so she asked me along the lines of, ‘Is there something you need to tell us/Hiding something?’

My father looked so genuinely excited because he’s the type of person to really want grandkids to spoil and such, I felt so bad.

He asked me if I was pregnant and if he was finally going to be a grandad.

When I said ‘no,’ he just looked so disappointed, and asked me if I wasn’t pregnant, why wasn’t I drinking?

etc etc. My mom also kinda piled on and I eventually just left because I got overwhelmed.

Apparently now, my mom is asking me to apologize to my father because I ‘broke his heart’ and ‘tricked him into believing I had finally changed my mind.’

I know my father is really insecure about having no grandchildren and also wants to pass down the family name and such. I’m also an only child, so unless they have another kid or adopt, no grandkids for my parents.

I feel bad because I think he would genuinely make a good granddad, but I just don’t want kids.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You didn’t tell them you were pregnant. They made that assumption all on their own.

I understand how hard it can be in early recovery, especially when people are used to seeing you drink – and when you aren’t sure you are ready to tell them.

You are doing great, and you are doing nothing wrong.

If you need to go low contact with your family… you wouldn’t be the first. A lot of us have to back off certain relationships until we get our feet more solidly under us.” MbMinx

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You were not tricking anyone into thinking you were pregnant.

When asked you said no and did not prolong them thinking you were.

Congrats on being sober, there are many good reasons to say I’m not drinking without telling all the details… Like I’m watching my diet lately and decided to cut out drinking because of calories.

Last time I had (whatever) it gave me a bad headache, I’m driving and hear there is a police crackdown looking for even minorly impaired drivers.

Good luck, also it’s your call on having kids or not, either way, you need to be at peace with the decision, not anyone else.” StrongBat7365

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s manipulative and inappropriate to make assumptions about other people’s behavior, then coerce them into divulging personal info to ‘prove it’ or disprove it. If the manipulator insists their assumption is ‘the obvious conclusion’ and therefore you MUST respond as if it’s legitimate, that’s a bit of gaslighting sprinkled on top.

You did nothing. Your mom was invasive, and pushy, used the social setting to pressure you, and is wrong. Your dad came along for the ride and put his wife’s responsibility for his hurt feelings onto you. So he’s wrong, too.” curious382

“So I (24f) am currently 6 months pregnant as a surrogate for a family.

Everything has been smooth sailing for the most part throughout this process other than one thing. Even when I was pregnant with my daughter I could not stand people touching my stomach. I don’t understand the obsession with people touching pregnant bellies but it bothers me when people try to do it.

Anyways the family I’m surrogating for has asked multiple times if they can touch my stomach or rub it and feel the baby move and kick. The wife stated that she’s always wanted to experience feeling the kicking and moving baby.

Now for context, she can fully have children of her own this surrogacy is a choice they made so as not to interfere with her career by being pregnant. She has a physically demanding job and doesn’t want to risk anything happening to the baby or her career.

(She’s a personal trainer) They have been constantly asking me to touch my stomach and I always politely decline as it is uncomfortable for me.

Well while the wife and I were at a baby appointment last week she reached over and rubbed my stomach while talking to the doctor.

I kindly asked her to stop touching my stomach and she snapped at me and said I was ruining the experience for her and it’s her baby she should be able to feel her kick. I snapped back and said that it may be her baby but it’s my body and that if she really wanted to feel her baby kick she should’ve gotten pregnant herself.

I’ve gotten calls from her and her husband calling me a jerk for yelling at her for bonding with her child. My friends and parents are split on whether I’m a jerk or not since it is their baby.

So AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – but you’re being petty and vindictive for chastising the mother for choosing surrogacy when she is supposedly capable of carrying a pregnancy – that has nothing to do with the issue of her touching your stomach when you don’t want her to.

The couple chose surrogacy and you agreed to do it for pay, stop judging her and being mean about it. The reason for surrogacy is irrelevant here. And honestly, you sound like you are harboring ill will or resentment against the couple because you said that the wife is capable of carrying a pregnancy.

It is totally understandable that the mother would want to feel the baby move/kick. It is also understandable that you may not want people touching your stomach. Because this is a paid arrangement and there is no other way for the mother to feel the baby move/kick, I would allow her to touch your stomach to feel that movement – just once, and for like a minute max.

It’s not like you’re pregnant with your own baby and you have agreed to give it to the couple for adoption. It’s their baby you are carrying.” IllCellist6681

Another User Comments:

NTJ. You are putting your body through something huge and potentially dangerous on their behalf.

I assume you’re getting paid, but that is nonetheless what’s happening. Their behavior indicates that they have no appreciation of your bodily or personal autonomy and are viewing you as an incubator. Especially considering that they went with surrogacy specifically because of the long-term effects pregnancy can have on the body (!), they should have much more appreciation for what they’re asking of you and for your right to have limits and boundaries in return.

I agree 100% with what you said to the wife. If she wanted to feel the baby kick and be bonding before birth, she should have carried it herself. They should be showing you utter respect, not this nonsense.” mwmandorla

Another User Comments:

“NTJ at all. They are simultaneously the jerk and NTJ. They are NTJ because it’s understandable that they would want to feel the baby kick and move, they are the jerk for how they reacted. The three of you need to have a conversation.

You need to explain to them that you understand the frustration and it’s not your intention to keep anything away from them. That even when you were preg with your child you couldn’t stand anyone touching your stomach (say even your SO wasn’t allowed to if true).

That it makes you extremely uncomfortable which raises your anxiety level, and ultimately you don’t want anything to happen that could even potentially put the baby at risk (anxiety leading to high BP or anything).

If you can find a way to grin and bear being touched for a few minutes at a particular time (maybe as you get closer to delivering/when the baby is moving more) suggest a compromise of a limited or one-time deal. Again though, only if you feel that you can find a way to be comfortable with it, even if it’s just once.

Remind them that they are the baby’s parents, and you being a surrogate is never going to change that. They will still bond with their child once it’s here and they can hold it and cuddle it and be the parents they set out to be.

In all honesty, though, they are not going to be able to bond with it by just feeling it kick. But that’s the logical aspect of this, not the emotional part. You could also ask them if there is something you could do, that’s not allowing them to touch you, but that kind of makes up for it.

I have no idea what that would be, but just trying to think of ways to help deal with this issue.

If you need to be firm. Remind them, that while you are a surrogate you are not an inanimate object.

You are your own, individual person and you are not their property to command. That part of what comes with choosing to go the surrogacy route is that they will lose out on some of the experiences they would have otherwise had if she had chosen to carry her own child.

If you ever decide to be a surrogate again, make sure you talk to the prospective parents about this issue before making any deals (and have it written into any contract that may be signed).” Nymph-the-scribe

“I (40F) and my husband (42 M) have my MIL (65) over for the holidays. We have been married for almost 20 years and for the most part, I have a good relationship with her.

However, I’ve never had her stay with us as long as she has which has been since thanksgiving and she’s planning to leave the day after Xmas. The first couple of weeks were ok… but honestly I’m just sick of her being here at this point.

She dominates every day with some nonsense. Let’s go shopping, go to dinner, go to see Xmas lights. We’ve accommodated her as much as possible but we both work full time so are very tired at the end of the day.

I specifically asked that this weekend we stay in, order take out, and watch Xmas movies which she loves. She was super excited about it BUT she told us a couple of hours ago she has signed us up to go caroling tomorrow night.

I had it and told her she is more than welcome to go but I wouldn’t be attending. She looked at my husband for support and he said he wasn’t interested either.

Here are where things went very wrong.

She told me since we decided to never have children we don’t understand the importance of the holidays and how her son would have been a wonderful father if I wasn’t so selfish. Neither of us has ever wanted children!

I got so angry I told her that if she couldn’t respect us and our decisions she can get the first flight out tomorrow. She started to cry and went to pack. Then threw a major fit I didn’t immediately ask her to stay.

My husband says I could have just let it go until after Xmas and maybe I should have.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

‘She told me since we decided to never have children we don’t understand the importance of the holidays and how her son would have been a wonderful father if I wasn’t so selfish.’

This was a relationship-burning outburst. You responded appropriately. She indicated that she wanted the relationship to stay burned.

It seems clear that she resents you because the two of you don’t have children. She thinks that you ruined your husband’s life.

Doesn’t your husband see that her visit became untenable after her outburst? The only thing that might have saved it was an abject apology on her part. The blow-up wasn’t your doing.” anonymous_for_this

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I get that she wants to have some fun around the holidays, but anyone is going to be tired after a long week of work.

One weekend of relaxing is not a lot to ask and if she can’t accept that then it’s on her. Her comment about children was also uncalled for. I’d ask your husband to help support you and talk to her about the expectations if she is going to stay with you moving forward or in the future.

She shouldn’t talk to you like that no matter what and shouldn’t expect constant attention from her adult son with his own life.” vermillionn

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – So I am looking for where your husband stood up like a HUSBAND and told her to stop wrongly accusing you of something that was a joint decision.

I… am not seeing that.

Your MIL is a pain in the butt, but you have a partner problem. He isn’t defending you, he is enabling her nonsense, and you are left alone to act like an adult while he enables this all.

He needs to strap on his boots and explain to his mother what she did was wrong, from the accusations that are nonsense, to signing you up for events without asking.

Otherwise, HE can go with her and do what she wants.

She wants holidays to be about kids? Well, he is behaving like one and she is bossing him like one so… there ya go, they can BOTH go off alone for the holidays until one of them grows a pair and stops enabling the others.” C_Alex_author

“I’m spending nearly $100 a month on the ads-free Hulu+, Ads Free Live TV/Disney+/ESPN+ bundle, along with Netflix & Amazon Prime.

Part of that cost was built into my roommate’s rent. He’s moving out with his partner – no hard feelings. I don’t plan on getting a new roommate, and I also would prefer to keep the services.

But, I don’t really feel it’s fair that I pay for his & his partner’s equivalent of ad-free cable TV and streaming forever because he lived here for a while.

Like, it’s one thing to say ‘hey, I’ll pay for Netflix and you for HBO Max’ and everyone saves money, but another to just pay for their stuff in perpetuity, especially when they have a dual-income home, and I won’t.

My instinct is to change the passwords and cut them off.

Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“No NTJ

Everything is under your name. It was included in the cost of his rent when he lived with you. He was paying to get the services that you were providing.

If you want to change the passwords after he moved out, then by all means do that. They’re your streaming accounts, not his, his partner’s, or anyone else’s.” ArmSalt74

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

The services are part of a rental payment agreement.

Once he leaves and isn’t paying the rent then he no longer has access to services. Same reason most places change the locks/key fobs when someone leaves.

Give him a heads up though.” PurpleJager

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

But if you want to go to a better approach, just move to a different account and stop paying for the previous ones.

This way it wouldn’t be awkward, because you can say that you stopped paying for the ‘mutual account’ because he moved out and you got a better bundle for ‘single users’.

I don’t know about where you live, but where I live, it is the truth.

If you bundle up all these subscriptions with your internet provider you will get a way better deal than spending on all of these individually.” Mystery-Magic

“So went out yesterday for a Christmas event at a pub, and had a blast with my friends but I needed the bathroom, the thing is, in this pub, there were only two urinals for men and there was a long line.

I didn’t need the bathroom that bad so I went back onto the dancefloor and like 5 minutes later I went to check the line, still packed, so I leave again and come back for the last time and I actually get to use the bathroom but I noticed this bouncer was watching me the whole time which was kind of weird.

I leave the bathroom and he comes up to my face asking ‘what were you doing in the toilet’ and I’m like ‘uh what else would I be doing in a toilet?’

He then pulls me back and shouts in my face saying ‘why are you giving me cheek?!

When I ask you a question you answer it, don’t insult me!’ And I’m just like ‘what?!’ and tell the dude to relax and he’s like ‘No, you know what, get out, you’re banned’ and like yeah it was only for a day and I admit I was wrong at this point but he really annoyed me so I cussed him out and got a lifetime ban, that’s on me but the way this whole thing started was just weird.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

Going to and from the bathroom after just a few minutes is sketchy, and his job is to keep an eye out for sketchy behavior.

He did his job and checked in on the sketchy behavior by asking what you are doing in there.

Instead of answering, you gave him a smart-aleck answer.

He made it clear you needed to answer him, not insult him.

You got defensive and still didn’t answer his question… which is still sketchy behavior from his POV.

He kicked you out and gave you a one-day ban.

He was still doing his job – if you were doing sketchy stuff in that bathroom, then being thrown out and the ban would send the message that this pub doesn’t tolerate that crap.

Then you cussed him out.

A lifetime ban is definitely on you. Every time this guy tried to do his job, you escalated things.” Swirlyflurry

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. That’s absolutely insane! Not to mention the bouncer would have to be dumb as a box of rocks to not be able to see that the line was long, and it’s common sense that you were going back and forth due to that.

As a bouncer, he should at least have 2nd-grade-level common sense, which he does not. Sounds like he was just a dummy who wanted to take his anger out on someone and you became that someone. Where I live, if a bouncer did that, he’d be fired due to lack of competence and obvious aggression issues, which would lead to an extremely dangerous situation.” Hyperion_Heathen

Another User Comments:

“You’re not the jerk, but you are probably a bit naive. He probably thought you were heading in there to hook up or extras that go along with that. Dance a bit, meet up with your random person, finish, and come back out.

It happens a lot in some places.

Yea, he went from 0 to 100, but really, instead of telling him to calm down, all you had to do was say that you were waiting for a free urinal. You had to deflect or answer on your terms and it made it worse.

So in a sense, everyone sucks here. He needs to calm down, and next time, just answer the question.” Pheonyx11

“So my sister-in-law has always complained about how I smell. She claims it gives her a headache and makes her nauseous.

Recently in a text message, she claimed a doctor had told her she was allergic to smells. I’m pretty sure she’s making that up.

For context, I’m a guy and I use Bath and Body Works shower gel and dove deodorant.

I use unscented clothes detergent to cut down on acne since I’m worried about an allergic reaction there. To be fair I use bath and body works plugins for scent around the home. I know that can be an issue for people.

That’s not what this is about. She and my brother do not believe in deodorant, which I find disgusting, both in theory, and practice. He backs her up on the smell thing. But then again he’s a fat guy who doesn’t believe in deodorant.

He thinks his natural pheromones make up for any bad smell he might have. God, I typed that out and I wish I were joking.

In the past, she’s said she can smell me when I enter their house even if she’s in the back bedroom 100 feet away.

In the past 15 years, there has not been a single holiday event where she hasn’t commented on it. She has constantly complained about it.

Here’s the kicker.

Last year I forgot my toiletry bag. Instead of telling them, I just secretly snuck their soap/shampoo/conditioner.

The only thing ‘smelly’ I had would be my toothpaste which thankfully I did not forget. The snide comments about my smell giving her a headache did not stop. For the record, I eat a healthy diet and consistently get compliments on how good I smell from both friends and strangers.

So WIBTJ if I used their toiletries again this year for Christmas, but called her out on overreacting over my smell this time? I didn’t do it last year because I didn’t want to rock the boat.”

Another User Comments:

“You said yourself you use a lot of air fresheners in your home and regularly use Bath and Body Works products, which no doubt linger in your clothing without you noticing. It really sucks to be around someone whose perfume/bodyspray/shower gel gives you migraines.

I’m speculating here but I don’t think your SIL told you she was ‘allergic to smells’; it sounds like she told you that her doctor advised her against being around strong fragrances and you worded it as ‘allergic to smells’ to invalidate what was actually a legitimate problem for her.

YTJ, and maybe tone down the Bath and Body Works. Their stuff smells super strong. YTJ.” nmatenumber34667

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. So you know, with allergies there is a big difference between body odor and fragrance, you complain about body odor because it’s unpleasant but allergies cause fragrances to make people actually ill, it can even kill some people.

Also, almost all ‘unscented’ products actually DO contain fragrance. If you are actually getting told that people like the way you smell then you ARE wearing enough fragrance to smell it, and it’s probably on your clothes, it could be something you are using or it could be from your plug-in contaminating all your clothing.” QuinnBC

Another User Comments:

“Everyone has a natural odor. Regardless of race, gender, food intake, or anything else. Your natural scent may give her headaches. Maybe it’s your deodorant, maybe it’s your laundry detergent. I use unscented everything, and it still has a smell to it.

We also pick up smells from outside, from other people we are in contact with…

I think YWBTJ only because you don’t know what it is exactly that she is having the reaction to. I don’t know what your brother smells like, and I won’t make assumptions.

There are multiple reasons people don’t believe in deodorant, but if they have soap, at least they are cleaning themselves. I know people who are allergic to deodorant and CAN’T wear it, they have tried every kind – with and without aluminum, vegan, creams sprays, etc.

It doesn’t sound like you enjoy being around your bro and SIL anyway, so frankly – why bother?” introvertedrabbit175

“I (39f) come from a very wealthy family. I never had to struggle for anything because my mom or dad would always give it to me.

I can say that I grew up spoiled but I grew out of that phase once I had my twins. Since I was so spoiled and never got in trouble for anything as a teenager I was always going to parties with my friends doing substances and drinking.

Then at 16, I found out I was pregnant and gave birth at 17 to my two beautiful twins (a girl and a boy). Thankfully my parents were supportive and helped me through the process.

My parents had set up a trust fund for me when I was a kid and I wasn’t able to access it until I was 18 so when I turned 18 I moved out and got a condo.

I only used my trust fund whenever it was for my kids, rent, or essentials around the house. I also took some out and put it in an emergency fund. I got a job at my dad’s company so I was able to live comfortably but not keep up with the lifestyle I grew up with.

When I was 31 I met my now husband and his daughter who was four years younger than my kids. I and my husband went out for about four years then we got married two months before my twins’ birthday. On my twins’ 18th birthday, my parents gifted them each a trust fund of their own.

It summed up to 200,000 each.

Now my twins are both 22 years old and both are thriving. I like to give myself a pat on the back for how I raised them and not how my parents raised me. Now to the issue at hand, my stepdaughter is now 18 years old and for the past couple of months she has been saying how she couldn’t wait to get her trust fund like my twins and I didn’t know if she would or not because I never knew about the twins.

Now when her birthday came around she did get money just not the trust fund from my parents, instead they gave her a car. But to say she was disappointed is an understatement. She said we didn’t love her because she wasn’t b***d and that we’d always treated her differently because she wasn’t my daughter.

Which wasn’t true I loved her some since the day I met her and I’ve always treated her like she was one of mine. She then asked me why didn’t I tell her she wasn’t getting a trust fund since that was all she was talking about.

I told her I didn’t know if she was getting one or not. She then told me that I should’ve made one for her myself. I tried to tell her that it wasn’t possible but she didn’t want to listen to me and just said she hated me.

So am I the jerk?

Edit: My husband has told her multiple times to not be expecting the trust fund because she might not get it and I also told her that I didn’t know if she would get one or not but she has chosen to ignore us.

Edit 2: So I had a talk with my parents and stepdaughter. I did ask my parents why they didn’t give her a trust fund like my twins. They said that since they don’t know SD that well that they felt like a trust fund was too personal because they didn’t have that grandparent-grandchild relationship which is understandable.

My parents rarely got to see SD because she just moved in with me and my husband when we got married and my mom and dad like to travel a lot so they really only got to see her on holidays and birthdays.

That’s why they got her a car because it’s not that big of a present. After all, her last car was wrecked up pretty badly.

I also apologized to her for not just telling her that she wasn’t getting a trust fund and letting her get her hopes up but I did explain to her that she shouldn’t just expect something just because someone else got it, especially something as personal as a trust fund.

She apologized for how she reacted and thanked my parents for the car but I think she’s still disappointed so I plan on taking her outta the country for a birthday trip with my husband and the twins. Also, the car she got was a 2023 BMW 5 Series.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

No one is entitled to anyone’s money – biologically related or not. If someone is kind enough to gift you something, the answer should always be THANK YOU. Never ‘I expected more’. This is basic human decency.

She needs a harsh reality check.

Honestly the fact that she’s so entitled, making this level of a tantrum, and reacting with ‘I hate you’ comments, makes me think that not getting a trust fund is to her benefit. With that maturity level, how is she going to handle coming into that amount of money?

She needs to learn to be grateful and appreciative. Something you had to learn by getting pregnant so young, and sounds like you instilled it in your bio kids after going through that.

I can try to sympathize with the insecurity of her feeling like the distinction might come from not being biologically related, but the way she handled it is concerning and disappointing.

Sounds like your parents love her, and are building a relationship with her, but have only known her for four years. This is a reality, there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s understanding that they haven’t been saving for decades for her.

Instead of focusing on how she could be strengthening family bonds, she’s being hurtful.

If she’s worried about money for school or whatnot, I’m sure she could come to you and your husband, even your parents, and set up specific loans, requests, etc. The keywords missing in her are kindness, maturity, and gratefulness.” Holiday-Teacher900

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – I can understand balancing these situations can be hard but the truth is, she hasn’t been around that long and she isn’t exactly related (b***d) to your parents. They aren’t obligated to give anyone their money, especially someone they aren’t related to and haven’t known that long.

The truth is your parents probably started the trust fund when your twins were born. They had years to put money into it and watch it grow. What your parents did at the time, was a gesture to ensure your kids (their grandkids and family) would always be looked after… they would have had no idea at the time they started the twins’ that you were going to marry a guy with a child.

Given their ages, you can’t exactly blame them for not viewing the kid the same.

I think it was incredibly generous of your parents to give her a car and it does show that they do care about her. I am a little worried about her behavior… I mean here is a car… but where is my $200,000?

Your parents are probably nicer than me because if someone reacted that way after I just gave them a car, I will be taking the car back.” Motor_Link_9005

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, for one she’s not expecting it from you, she’s expecting it from your parents.

And it’s a completely unreasonable expectation for her to be in a family for such a short amount of time and expect a mature trust fund from people who aren’t her family. It’s good that your husband was trying to temper her expectations, but this is an issue you need to step back from.

Your husband needs to put his daughter in therapy cuz it feels like something is wrong, even with her being a hormonal teenager, for her to so blatantly ignore the reality that people kept trying to tell her about and have a meltdown.

She needs to work on some amount of processing and it’s your husband’s job to move forward on that with her.” JCBashBash

“During a party my parents were hosting, my toddler kept asking where his dad was. He was getting more and more irritable so I took him to find my ex. Once we found him, I left our son with him even though my ex told me he was in the middle of an important conversation and he couldn’t watch him.

I told him I didn’t care so he promised he would come and get him in 10 minutes once he was done but I still left our son with him and my brother who was there too.

They found me about 30 minutes later and both my brother and ex made a big deal about how I left our son with them when I knew they were busy.

My son had clearly been crying and they both got defensive when I asked them what they did to him. It turns out my son started crying because my ex wasn’t paying attention to him which meant they had to end their conversation so he could comfort him.

My ex is claiming it’s my fault for leaving our son there when I knew he was busy and he accused me of being intentionally difficult.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, your ex communicated clearly he couldn’t watch his son at that moment and to give him a few minutes to finish his conversation.

You also claim he can do both, watch the kid and talk about whatever the important issue was but your post contradicts that by the fact he had to end the conversation abruptly to comfort the kid. You were 100% trying to be difficult.

He told you he was busy and couldn’t watch the kid right then and there, would it have been so hard to wait the extra 10 minutes and explain to your son ‘daddy’s busy right now, he’ll come find us when he’s free’ then redirect him to an activity that could distract him?

What if something happened to your son because your ex was busy? What if the conversation was actually important and needed to be discussed? There are so many what-ifs that could have happened which makes you completely irresponsible for leaving your son with your ex while he was busy.” anxiousboy17

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

Your ex could have acknowledged his son for a minute, reassured him that he could pay full attention to him in a few more minutes, and then wrapped up the conversation to do so.

You could have made your ex aware that your son wanted him, then reassured him (your son) that his father would be able to take him shortly, and then stayed there with your son while your ex wrapped up the conversation (and at the same time ensuring he did so within the promised 10 minutes, which if he hadn’t then only he would have been the jerk).” TorchwoodFour

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, he is a parent too, and if you have to drop everything including visits and conversations for your child so does he! Y’all both took the time to have said child, both have to drop things they’re doing at the drop of a dime to take care of said child!

You’re the mother of course you’re always in the wrong when it comes to your kids cuz you know dads get to be dads when they feel like it! The double standards kill me because I can bet had you been the dad and asked if you were a jerk for wanting to finish your conversation before getting said child they would still call you the jerk because you’re the mother!

I say I don’t care if he couldn’t finish that conversation that’s what phone calls are for or meeting up later to finish! If you have to drop everything for your child so does he!” User

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

If the situation was reversed and she was the one to say I’m in the middle of a conversation give me a couple of mins some people would be saying that’s your kid, you should be taking care of him, your conversation can wait, etc why is there a different standard in this situation.

Yes, he may have been in a conversation but as a co-parent to the child he could have said give me a moment to take care of my son and then we can continue our conversation. It shouldn’t matter whose day it is with the son, how much time he was watched by one or the other.

He is both yours, so I think you both need to have a conversation regarding situations like this in the future and what the expectations are for each of you. Communication is key, especially in co-parenting.” Gold_Plum_1352

“For 2-3 years I was seeing a guy on and off. It wasn’t anything serious and we were both fine with that. Our relationship ended when I fell pregnant.

Neither of us had wanted children together but it happened and I was honest from the beginning that I couldn’t terminate the pregnancy. I think everyone is entitled to their own choice when it comes to this I just couldn’t put myself through it.

Everything was fine for a few weeks and he respected my decision.

After this, he decided he wasn’t going to tell his family and he didn’t want to be involved. He already had a daughter and didn’t want another child.

He asked that I didn’t tell anyone the child was his. I argued as I felt our child should know his family even if he didn’t want them to know. He said they are his family and this is his decision.

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable by saying I think his family should know. I want my child to know where they come from. I’ve had the baby and he hasn’t changed his mind. WIBTJ if I told his parents they have another grandchild?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. There is no easy way here, but I think every person has the right to the truth about their parentage and that biology ought not to be a secret. It will be hard for your kid that their father doesn’t want them no matter if everyone knows or not, so might as well let grandparents make their own decision on whether they want to be part of the kid’s life.

But if you open this door then there’s no going back, and your baby’s dad will likely always be part of your life.

He may about-face and choose to go to court to get partial custody. He may also change his mind and become a great co-parent and dad.

He may always resent you and make this all much, much harder. You can only do what seems the best choice for your kid.” RealTalkFastWalk

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

I understand that he’s legally responsible for this child and that you want your future child to know their family and where they come from.

But this man doesn’t want to be a father to this kid and even though it’s unfortunate and morally disputable, he can do that, he’s only obligated to provide financially. Imagine how awkward it would be if his parents for example decided to embrace the grandparents’ role and invite your kid to any family event, and the biological father is there with his other child that he actually chose to parent.

It would put him and your kid in a very uncomfortable situation.

It’s up to you to decide whether to reach out to his parents or not. But please, have the child’s best interest in mind if you do. If the family decides to accept the baby and the father never changes his mind, you would be exposing your child to constant rejection from his father and half-sibling and a lot of uncomfortable upsetting situations where he/she will see their biological father’s parent and another kid but not them.

If they decide to reject the baby, then you remain in the same situation and just tell the kid that you know who their father is and once the age is appropriate, the name, but they were not fit for the role and therefore are not around.

It’s life.” Responsible_Brain852

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, exactly, but why would you? You made the decision to have your Situationship’s baby. If you’re in the US, please go to court and have paternity and child support established, because that’s his responsibility.

But you can’t force it from there.

If he doesn’t want to be part of your or your kid’s life, why would you want him to be? The resentment will come off him like heat, and in time your kid will pick up on that.

Leave it alone. You laid down with a dog. You got up with fleas. I’m sorry that happened to you, but don’t make it worse for yourself and your kid by inserting yourself into a family where you’re not wanted.” katsmeow44

Another User Comments:

“Soft ‘everyone sucks here’. I don’t think YTJ, but I don’t think telling his family is the right answer. If he wants nothing to do with the kid and doesn’t want his family to know, he seems kind of like a jerk, but honestly, I think the kid is best off not knowing him or his family if their father is against it – it’s likely just going to be a weird situation where the child is treated differently than other children in the father’s family, and will likely be hard on the child.

I’d definitely go after child support, because like previous posts said, if nothing else, put the money away for education or something, but the child deserves that. I do believe the father should be able to walk away if he wants to, but he still has responsibilities.

If he’s going to have no relationship, he should at least contribute.” stim_city_86

“My MIL has been renovating her kitchen since April. In early December, she informed me and my husband that the kitchen was still going to be done before the holiday, but if it wasn’t, she might need to use our kitchen (we live 15min away).

Christmas dinner is for 16, including my BIL, his wife, and her family (parents, sister, her BIL) – that no one, my in-laws included, care for. My husband was very clear, they are not welcome in our home. Other than this, we agreed to wait to see what would happen re: reno rather than start a problem.

Today, my husband tells me that my MIL told him she will need the kitchen on Friday to prep and Saturday to cook (dinner is always on Christmas Eve). She did not contact me.

Frankly, I don’t want any of this in my house.

I know I will end up cooking and cleaning all day, which wasn’t on my to-do list. If I wanted to host, I would have volunteered. Beyond this, my MIL has zero concept of what it means to cook at one house and transport dinner to another.

I have asked her what her plans are, suggested trays with lids, scaling back the menu – all have been met with a ‘We’ll figure it out.’ My husband and I are aligned on this, he agrees it will fall to me, and that I will spend my holiday cooking and cleaning.

I would like to tell my MIL no. That if she wanted to host, she should have made sure her home was ready for it, and that it would be not only a complete imposition to have to cook this meal and transport it for her, I don’t want a house full of people.

I would be thrilled to scrap the big meal, grill out (San Diego based), and keep it simple. But I also feel obligated to go along with it because my in-laws helped us with the house and a new range a couple of years back – all no strings according to them.

I might be the jerk for disrupting the holiday for 16 people, but I feel like my husband and I should be able to say no. WIBTJ if I say no?”

Another User Comments:

“Soft YTJ. It’s an inconvenience, sure.

Seeing as the kitchen has been under construction since April I am fairly certain your MIL didn’t think it would still be out of service. She’s trying to host and be kind and cook for 16 people, that’s a lot of work.

It’s not the worst thing in the world to allow her to use your space and even lend a hand. If you can’t or don’t want to help, then don’t. However, mentioning that they helped pay for your kitchen… no strings is fine, it seems like she’s not holding that over your head, but it would still be generous of you to let her use it seeing as they didn’t have to help you financially.

It’s the holidays, we could all stand to be a little less selfish and a bit more generous.” Justthinkingoutloud-

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s her fault for leaving it last minute and by that I mean I’m sure she knew well ahead that the renos wouldn’t be done.

Even if it wasn’t last minute, it’s still your house and you don’t need a reason to say no. You said that she informed you that she might need your kitchen, I don’t really see her asking but rather telling and I didn’t see you say yes.

Not to mention, it involves people no one likes and appears like the reason they can’t use the second home is because of people no one likes. I would tell her no she can’t use your kitchen and that you won’t be attending this year again.

I would suggest she gets Christmas catering.” Unfair_Look_665

Another User Comments:

“Soft YTJ. Your MIL is hosting Christmas and doesn’t have a kitchen to cook in, you do have a kitchen, live close, and will also be attending. I totally get that it is annoying but your MIL will be doing all the cooking.

Yes, you’ll have cleanup to do, that sucks but oh well, this is what family does. The fact that you help with cooking when visiting MIL is positive but in my opinion, you should. When I visit people I like to help in any way possible and when people visit me I enjoy the comradery of preparing together (if it’s not done already).” Sensitive-Theory-365

“My husband William and I have three children: Charlotte (22f), Sebastian (11m), and Leo (7m.) Our rule is that if a child is in school, then they do not need to get a job or pay rent.

If they have finished school, then they need to have a job and pay rent. Charlotte got her associate’s last year and isn’t interested in any more school. We offered Charlotte a deal that she could either pay a $1500 monthly rent (we live in a very expensive area, so $1500 is less than half of what most people pay every month for rent) or she could help with Sebastian and Leo and not have to pay any rent.

Charlotte chose to help with her brothers and not pay rent.

William and I asked Charlotte to drop off and pick up Sebastian and Leo from school on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays, as well as any needed appointments. We reimbursed Charlotte for the gas she spent driving them.

William and I do not go out very often (maybe three times a month.) We always got Charlotte’s go-ahead before making plans and asking her to stay home with Sebastian and Leo.

Last month, William and I planned to meet with a friend for dinner, but our friend had to cancel last minute for an emergency.

We decided to go back home and immediately noticed that Charlotte’s car was gone and Sebastian and Leo were in the front yard playing. When we asked where Charlotte was, Sebastian and Leo explained that she had left earlier and they were locked outside.

Sebastian and Leo told us that Charlotte leaving them home alone was a very normal thing, but they didn’t say anything before since they didn’t think it was a big deal and also liked being home alone. William and I kept trying to call Charlotte but she was not picking up.

About a half hour before William and I planned on being home (we had been calling her for over three hours at this point) Charlotte pulled up in the driveway.

William and I told Charlotte she cannot babysit Sebastian and Leo anymore.

She’s lied to us for over a year and destroyed our trust in her. Charlotte is now paying $1500 in rent every month, which helps cover the cost of Sebastian and Leo’s nanny. Charlotte got frustrated last Friday and told William and me how unfair we were to make her pay $1500 on top of doing chores.

We told Charlotte if she wants to live in this house, then those are the rules. If she doesn’t like it then she can go ahead and walk out the door.

Charlotte’s biological mom Phoebe called William and me awful parents and accused us of choosing our ‘new’ children over Charlotte.

Phoebe posted a rant on social media voicing this opinion. Friends have reached out to us because they know we aren’t favoring Sebastian and Leo over Charlotte. But they said that we were too harsh in telling Charlotte to either deal with our rules or walk out the door because it’s a hard thing to hear from your parents at any age and we should try to work out a compromise.

But Charlotte broke our trust and lied for over a year. I don’t see how a ‘compromise’ would solve anything. AITJ?

Some additional information: Charlotte works as an ultrasound technician and earns about $5000 every month. In our area, most ‘starter homes’ cost more than $3000 every month, not counting utilities.

Phoebe moved two hours away after Charlotte turned 18. So a commute from Phoebe’s house to Charlotte’s current job is obviously impossible. That is Phoebe’s reasoning for why she cannot take Charlotte in and expects William and me to just let what Charlotte did slide.

When I say ‘starter home’ I’m referring to a studio apartment or a single room in a shared apartment. Charlotte gets a massive discount living with us compared to if she lived on her own, especially because we provide her utilities and food at home.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

She’s not a child. She’s 22. And leaving the two younger kids home alone could get you in a world of problems depending on the rules in your state. She’s been irresponsible, apparently for quite some time.

In the beginning, she had a choice of arrangements. She chose the childcare option and then didn’t hold up her side of the deal, so you put her into the other option of paying rent. It’s not like you kicked her out, which you totally could have done, technically, since she’s an adult.

If her bio-mom is so invested in her living arrangements, why doesn’t she offer a spot in HER home?

And if paying rent and doing some chores seems onerous to her, she’s going to have a rough time dealing with full-fledged adulting when she’s on her own.

Seems to me the ‘compromise’ here is that you’re still letting her live in your home at all.” The-Answer-Is-57

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

You’re a jerk because you didn’t really give an option, she was stuck in a position and let me explain why.

You are charging her rent for a SINGLE ROOM that equals HALF of her paycheck, yet she is paying for 30% of your house. You are literally profiting off your stepdaughter. Meanwhile, you still treat her as a child living in your home and giving chores.

You need to make up your mind on what you are and what your purpose in charging her rent is. Are you the parents? Or are you her landlord?

Are you trying to teach her a lesson? The amount you are charging her means she will have a harder time saving up money for a deposit to rent somewhere else, meaning that even if she wants to leave she is stuck with you while she builds her funds.

Will you give her some of that money back if she chooses to move out, to help her secure her own rental?

If you are going to choose the route of profiting off your step-daughter, then you are a LANDLORD and need to treat her like a TENANT and not a child you can boss around.

As a tenant she has rights – such as you are not allowed to enter her room, give her rules, etc. Choose which lane you want to be in and stick to it. Otherwise, you are just blurring the lines to whatever is convenient for yourself and the expense of a young adult who doesn’t know better yet.

She acted poorly in regards to her brothers sure, but you are an experienced adult blatantly taking advantage of someone you have control over.” LordPotate

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. SHE LEFT CHILDREN LOCKED OUTSIDE FOR OVER THREE HOURS. They could have been kidnapped, they could have been harmed, and they could have been hurt playing without anyone to help.

She got INCREDIBLY lucky they were safe when you got home. I don’t care how ‘safe’ your neighborhood may seem, nowhere is safe from people who want to take and hurt you. She knew what was expected of her, she didn’t care.

It makes me wonder if she locked them out on purpose.

Also; she makes 5 grand a month?! And yet won’t move out? That’s 60k a year. She’s not even CLOSE to the poverty line. Kick her butt out.

I was 17 making 7.50/hr when I moved out. It sucked. I barely made it work, but I did. I can’t even imagine making FIVE THOUSAND A MONTH at her age! FIVE THOUSAND and she’s still this entitled to want more?!

Out.” ArtichokeNo3831

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

You are absolutely right to be furious with Charlotte for lying about watching the children and honestly? I might have kicked her out just for locking her (step/half?) siblings out of the house and leaving.

That literally endangered their lives.

That said, $1500 is steep for a person who graduated 5 minutes ago and is living with their parents. Of course, she agreed to be a caretaker even though she has no desire to do it. Is she making 60k?

If so she’s not bringing home 5k a month. Probably about $3500 – $3700, maybe less with benefits/401k type deductions.

She believes the whole point of continuing to live with you would be to save up money for a home, right?

There are certainly people who are making ends meet on this amount (and even less) but they aren’t buying a home any time in the near future.

‘Charlotte’s biological mom’ is where I realized there is a lot more going on here than at first glance.

‘Charlotte is now paying $1500 in rent every month, which helps cover the cost of Sebastian and Leo’s nanny.’

Your resentment for having her in your house is peeking out and maybe you subconsciously feel like you need to profit from the arrangement.

You do not owe her a free ride but she definitely gets that you don’t want her there unless it benefits you. You haven’t mentioned a financial struggle or burden from housing her so this amount likely seems arbitrary/maybe even punitive to her.

If she were writing this, I would suggest she look for employment elsewhere. Either closer to her mother or in a location where the cost of living is more reasonable so she can leave your home as soon as possible.

This arrangement doesn’t seem sustainable as you both apparently want more than the other would like to give.” User