People Beg For Us To Spill Our Thoughts Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Only Buying A Treat For Me And My Brother?
“I (F17) got a job recently. My parents always had financial problems when I was growing up so there were a lot of things that I always wanted but couldn’t get. Most of them are small things because we could only afford the necessities.
One of them is one of my city’s traditional foods that is rather expensive. I have been saving my funds because I always wanted to try it.
Yesterday my little brother (8), my mom, my aunt, my cousins (F14, F7), and I went shopping.
My mom and aunt went to look at some stuff and my brother, cousins, and I went to get ice cream but I was hungry and I remembered that there is a restaurant that has that food so I told them that I’m going to get some for me and my little brother.
My cousin told me that she and her sister don’t have enough funds with them and they are also hungry so I should buy something cheaper for all of us.
I could get something cheaper for all of us but I saved for that special food and I really wanted to try it so I got two of that food for me and my brother.
My cousins told my aunt everything and she said I’m a selfish jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In my opinion, it’s a bit out of place and it’s a bit of an ugly detail that if you all go together, suddenly you and your brother are separated. I would have bought that food on another occasion.
I think your cousins may have felt left out at the time, especially the little one, who is only 7 years old. You tell us that you come from a poor family, so if your aunt can only afford the bare necessities, you may have put her in a difficult situation with her children by saying that you were going to buy a very expensive meal for yourself and your brother, as they don’t have that possibility.
In my mother tongue, there is a saying that translated would be ‘This is eating in front of the poor’ which literally means to make someone envious by eating/buying/doing something that the other person cannot afford.
Anyway, I don’t think it’s such a serious event for your aunt to get angry. I think the responsibility of buying snacks for everyone should not fall on you.” OvoSapiens
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – this was tough for me because being 17, you don’t have enough to feed everyone but you could’ve contacted your mom and aunt and figured out how your cousins could eat too since you were left in charge.
Your aunt was wrong for not sending her children with funds and you were wrong for not having manners and looking out for your family while you’re out together.” Ok-Understanding6107
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘She ate in front of hungry children!’ No, she didn’t! In case you missed it, the cousins had the funds for ice cream. They didn’t have enough for the special treat OP was getting her and her brother.
The cousins were mad because they couldn’t get the special treat.
Guess what? They STILL had the money for freaking ice cream. Which they were originally going to purchase until OP said she was getting something else for her and her brother.
Sometimes, we don’t have the budget for things. It’s beyond entitled to assume someone should buy this special thing for everyone because we’re family or because we’re together. OP and her brother never had this food before because they couldn’t afford it.
There was nothing wrong with what OP did.
Again, cousins had ice cream. They were not starving. If you’re going to leave your children alone in the mall, make sure you leave them with enough money for special treats.” RamblinRedRose69
19. AITJ For Wanting To Stop Helping My Dad?
“I (18M) am the oldest of 3 kids to divorced parents. My dad (53M) is a lifetime heavy drinker and recently lost his driver’s license and job because of his multiple DUIs. He was allowed to keep his car but they installed an interlock (breathalyzer) and camera to make sure he isn’t driving it.
Over the last 5-ish months I’ve been helping him whenever I can. I have taken him to multiple job interviews, driven my sisters wherever they need to go, and taken his car to the mechanic to get the interlock calibrated, which you have to do every month.
He had to relocate to continue to be able to pay rent and I almost single-handedly moved him into his new place. I also have been giving him some of my paychecks to help him afford groceries.
I have been happy to help him out because I care about my dad. I’m used to him not really saying thank you or that he’s proud of me or anything like that because that is just how he is.
It made me feel good to be useful even if he didn’t make a show of telling me thanks and stuff.
Me helping him with these things has saved us a good amount of money (which he doesn’t have right now) but it’s really draining.
I’m a full-time college student and have a full-time job and the additional work has not been easy.
Tomorrow is my one and only day off and I usually try and catch up on sleep as best I can.
It also happens to be the day my dad’s car is due for an interlock calibration, so he asked me to take it in early in the morning. I told him that I would, but I’d really prefer to be able to sleep in tomorrow and asked if I can take it in later in the afternoon.
He got really annoyed with me and made a bunch of comments about how all I want to do is sleep and how I’m so lazy. I got kind of annoyed and reminded him that it was my only day off and that I’m doing him a favor.
He went on this whole rant about how I’m not even doing much and it’s barely an inconvenience to me and how I should be happy to help my family etc. I got pretty mad and explained to him that it actually is kind of a big deal for me and that I’m just asking to go later in the day.
This is where I may be the jerk, I basically told him that if he’s so ungrateful for my help then why should I be taking hours out of my day and money out of my wallet to help someone who does not even appreciate it?
I told him unless he could respect me and what I’m doing for him then I won’t be helping him anymore. He can waste his funds on taxis and getting his car towed to the mechanic every month, just like I’ve wasted mine.
The only thing is that my younger siblings also depend on my dad to some degree. All the money he wastes is money that doesn’t go to them. It’s difficult for our mom to support all of us while my dad is jobless and not paying child support, so every dollar he can contribute counts.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are only human, and even if you dedicated your life to it, you can’t fix your dad. He’s the way he is, and the only person that can change him is himself.
It’s very kind of you to be so supportive, but don’t let him walk all over you and take advantage. Set boundaries and stick to them. You deserve more than just picking up the pieces of your parents’ lives.” oboedude
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here (not the children).
You: I’m assuming from your story that you still live with your dad so it is only right that if you are earning funds you contribute fairly to the household to cover your share of the rent/bills/groceries etc.
Dad: clearly needs to get some professional help, his whole world is a mess and he shouldn’t be shouting at you when you’re doing him a favor with the car.
Mom: why is she not stepping up to take over the care of the younger siblings (even if it’s just temporary) while your dad gets back on his feet?” woodenpickle17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stick to your word and don’t help for a while – to the point where it is clear how much you do and how much you help. Maybe a month.
At that point, you can sit down and explain how exhausting it is for you and how his lack of appreciation compounds it. If you want to start helping again, do. But maybe you’ll realize that not being a parentified child is better for you and your studies, and maybe your childified parent (?) will grow up a bit.” Maleficent-Fennel-13
18. AITJ For Refusing To Change My Social Media Handle?
“My (25F) brother-in-law (20M) proposed to ‘Tanya’ (20F) after 2 years of being together. Tanya will take my BIL’s last name.
I did the same when I married my husband (26M) last year. Before marrying, I didn’t have a personal social media account and I just used my husband’s account if I needed it, but after our honeymoon, I created an account to post pictures and I chose ‘Mrs (my husband’s last name)’ as the handle.
Now I have 79 followers (friends, family/in-laws, and co-workers), and 11 posts and I post some stories once in a while. I mostly use it to watch reels and keep updated on my favorite celebrities.
Well, last week I was helping Tanya with her wedding gift list and she asked me to change my handle to give it to her as the gift and that it will mean a lot to her.
I suggested that she can just add an underscore, a period, or even numbers and she said that it ruins the ‘username aesthetic’ and that she never used it because she hates it.
I was so confused at that point and I told her that I do not understand why I have to do that. She got annoyed and told me that I don’t deserve to have that handle because I have a private account that I barely use and that I don’t even have 100 followers while she has 10k followers and a lot of ‘beautiful pictures’ with loads of likes and comments, and that she deserves the last name more because she was in the family for a longer time (they are childhood friends and high school sweethearts) and that they got engaged sooner than me (I’d gone out with my husband for 5 years).
I tried to calm her saying that I already gave her a solution and she said that I should use that solution instead of her because she already reserved the handle in other social media accounts (I checked and it’s true).
As she was talking in an aggressive manner at that point I left stating that was so childish and shallow that I would not do it.
Since then, I have been receiving texts and calls from my in-laws and her friends and family bashing me telling me that I already ruined her most special day, the whole family is siding with her and they gave us the ultimatum that if I don’t give her my handle they will uninvite us from the wedding (I think they did this to put my husband against me).
I feel very guilty because this insignificant thing has been affecting my husband as well (he was supposed to be my BIL’s best man as he’s his only sibling and we obviously wanted to attend) and I can just give in for the sake of everyone but at the same time I think I’m doing the right thing holding my position, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I think you should sit with your husband and make sure you are on the same page:
- You declined to give her the handle and gave her reasonable solutions.
- She didn’t like them and got aggressive with you.
- You do not like being bullied, and the whole family is now willing to ruin a relationship over a handle.
- Sure, you can give in because I am sure they are saying ‘it’s just social media, give it to her’ but they are treating you poorly and you don’t negotiate with t********s.
- The relationship is already damaged. You politely declined a request and were met with the full force of two families’ wrath.
Now your husband needs to step in and tell them to leave you alone, this is ridiculous, THEY are behaving poorly, and he should ask his parents dead on if they are willing to lose a son to gain a social media influencer.
Sure, it wouldn’t have been a big deal to give it to her, but just because you don’t use it often doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter to you. The outsized response of her and the rest of the family means too little, too late.
I can’t imagine whether you give in or not that the relationship can be repaired, so the best thing to do is make sure you and your husband are on the same page and keep that handle until your last breath.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But your BIL’s fiance and your in-laws & her friends are. She is incredibly entitled and is wrong for trying to coerce & guilt you into giving it up.
You said, ‘She said she was in the family for a longer time (they are childhood friends and high school sweethearts) and that they got engaged sooner than me’.
That being the case if she wanted the handle she obviously had more than ample time to start using it before you did. The fact that she didn’t, means it was available for you to use.
Regardless, you started using it first. It is yours ‘fair and square’. Don’t let her guilt you or badger you into giving it up. You using this handle most definitely has not ruined her wedding day.
If it has, her priorities are very skewed.” Gladtobealive2020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Wow what a toxic family, personally if they wish to uninvite you both over something so meaningless and completely disregard their other son in such a fashion, I would let them.
Go do something else just for you guys.
You know the problem with blackmail, is that it doesn’t just go away. There will be another issue come up, their child has something more important than your future child’s comfort, give it to us or else… Where does it stop?
What does your partner think about his parents being involved? Does he think if you give in then everything will go back to normal, or until the next issue pops up and you both get threatened again?
Block everyone on your phone, and send out formal cease and desist of harassment and blackmail threats. This isn’t normal behavior.” gemma156
17. AITJ For Leaving My Best Friend At The Club?
“I (29F) left my best friend (30F) and 2 other friends at the club when they showed up unannounced.
I am a bridesmaid for my workmate’s wedding and was tasked to organize the bridesmaid’s party before the wedding.
I decided to take us to the club that my best friend and our other friends would always go to. My best friend knew about my bridesmaid duties and I informed her ahead of time that this particular weekend is for the bride.
As we were partying and getting wasted, my best friend texts me and asks if there are still vacant tables at the club. I asked the servers and they said there was none, so that’s what I told her.
It was around 2:30 am and the intoxicated bridesmaids (including myself) and the bride decided to leave. I book my car and call the bride’s fiancé to pick her up and ensure the other bridesmaids are all able to get home.
As we were heading out, my best friend and 2 other friends just arrived and were getting off the car. I was wasted so I didn’t see them but they saw me and my best friend started pulling me back inside the club.
I told her my booked car is already there and I didn’t want the driver to wait any longer than he already had.
She started to get upset and was telling me she wouldn’t talk to me anymore if I don’t go back inside.
She also accused me that I booked a car home because I knew they were coming and I’m avoiding them. There was no conversation about her making her way to the club and I’m expected to wait until she gets there so we could party longer.
I thought I made myself clear that it was bridesmaids’ night. She wasn’t a bridesmaid nor was she friends with the bride. They were different friend groups.
I still left because I was already wasted and didn’t want to keep partying.
Now she’s upset and our 2 other friends who came with her are refusing to talk to me as well. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And the whole back story of it being a bridesmaid event is really irrelevant.
If you happened to go out with some friends and wanted to go home, you would have no obligation to stay at the club because another friend happened to arrive. That is ridiculous in terms of how adults actually live – you greet them if you see them and tell them you are on your way home and hope they have a great time.
I am not understanding how anyone thinks someone has the obligation to stay someplace just because they happened to turn up.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s 30. She’s old enough to know that she can’t always get her way and you warned her ahead of time that even if you were around it was for the bride.
You were an absolute bro to the bride and made the right choice. If she doesn’t want to talk to you because you made a responsible choice then she’s immature and not a good friend anyway.” Natural_Garbage7674
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – how unfortunate that these supposed friends would act so childish as to hold your friendship hostage because you were performing your duties as a bridesmaid. This really sounds like your best friend is jealous of your friendship with this workmate.
Her trying to manipulate you at 2:30 am on a night when you told her that you would be busy with others speaks volumes about her.” reasonableopinon
16. AITJ For Saying My Wife's Twin Sister Is Physically My Type?
“My wife has a twin sister, identical.
I did not know this when we started going out but she brought it up fairly soon after. I thought it was cool in an ‘Oh that is interesting’ way but didn’t think much of it.
We ended up getting married but I didn’t see my sister-in-law often, because since we started going out she lived on another continent.
Now she is moving back and when we were talking to a friend the friend said ‘Oh no, now you have to worry about getting twin tricked!’
My wife then said, ‘Sister isn’t his type anyway.’ I confirmed. Friend said, ‘wait doesn’t that mean you (wife) are not his type?’ They both stared at me. I felt put on the spot.
I said, ‘Wife is absolutely my type.’ Friend pressed so I said ‘I mean in a vacuum obviously (twin) might physically be my type (because she looks just like my wife!) But emotionally and mentally not at all.’
They both called me a jerk and a creep. I feel like I was set up.
Update: I showed this to my wife and she demanded I add that she has light red (strawberry blonde) natural hair and her sister has dark red hair which is dyed so I could have said natural women were more my type.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. they cornered you and put you on the spot. Then blamed you for a response you didn’t have time to consider. As another comment said, you would be screwed anyway.
If you were attracted, that’d be bad. if you weren’t as you first said, wrong answer and you have to defend your response because they’re twins and look the same.
The only acceptable answer would have been that the sister isn’t your wife, and your wife is who you love for who she is.
Mentioning that they’re twins in looks is what got you further trapped. They look the same, but they aren’t the same. That’s the only good answer. Anything else would be the wrong answer… like saying in a vacuum then sure you’d be attracted. Wrong answer.
Silence or dodging the question would’ve been a wrong answer too.
It feels like they meant it as a playful question, but weren’t able to deal with it properly, and you being put on the spot meant you couldn’t respond the way they expected.
It’s like a girl asking if she looks fat. The only answer is they look gorgeous. And if they did look fat, you should say x outfit looks great on them and you’d like it if they wore that.
That’s the only way to navigate the situation without offense for many people.
You were screwed if you did, screwed if you didn’t.” elly996
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The friend is a major jerk for making such comments and asking such questions.
Your wife is a jerk for insulting you and kicking you out of your room. Your response wasn’t the smartest, but you were on the spot between a rock and a hard place.
You’re married to an identical twin and there will always be people like your wife’s friend though, so I’d prepare a response for the next time a situation comes up if I were you.
Hopefully, after your wife has some time to calm down, she will realize that you were set up and were trying to compliment her not her twin, and apologize for her actions.” siempreslytherin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Since your wife is reading this, girl, stop looking to be offended by nonsense hypotheticals and stop listening to your friend who was stirring up drama for fun.
Why was your friend so obsessed with pushing this weird line of questioning?
Husband said, whatever the body may look like, and even if someone was exactly identical to you, he prefers you for who you are as a person. That’s all the confirmation you need to know you are truly loved and preferred. The color of your hair is irrelevant and you need to get your self-esteem issues in order rather than inflict them on your husband who didn’t say anything to hurt you.” Slight_Flamingo_7697
15. AITJ For Not Being Able To Give My Nieces As Much As I Was Hoping?
“My husband and I do not have kids of our own, but we’re very close to our three nieces. We have invested in a college fund for them over the years. When our oldest niece started college 4 years ago, we gave her $15,000 towards her tuition.
This past fall, our younger two nieces started school. We had planned to give them the same amount. However, the past few years have been a bit tumultuous for us. I was without a job for a year, and when I started working again, I took a substantial pay cut.
We also had to relocate for my husband’s career, which meant spending more than we wanted to on a home in an overpriced market. Add poor stock performance to the mix, and when it came time to give our nieces their college fund, withdrawing $30k just wasn’t realistic.
We gave each niece $10k instead.
My sister and her husband are now furious at us for treating their kids unequally. I initially apologized and explained that I understood how it could have come off that way, but these years have been hard and we did the best we could.
My view was that it was a gift, a substantial one at that, and they should be thankful that we were able to help them at all. My sister insists that if we had not been confident we could give the same amount to all 3 girls, we should not have given that much to the first one.
The thing is… at the time, we were confident we could give the same to all three. But things changed. She’s also trying to argue that we should have bought a smaller house or moved into a cheaper neighborhood if buying this one meant we wouldn’t have enough for the kids.
AITJ? I do not think I am because it was a gift, we gave as much as we comfortably could, and we really were not obligated to give anything at all. But I will admit my husband and I live a pretty comfortable life and could have scrimped and saved to make this happen if we needed to.
So maybe we should have just to be fair?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
My jaw dropped when I read that the parents had told OP that she should have bought a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.
What about if the parents had made some wiser economic decisions so that they had $20,000 or even $30,000 for their kids’ college fund?
Economic circumstances changed – it wasn’t based on a subjective reason but objectively they couldn’t afford that sum.
Also – and not to seem elitist – $20,000 is a generous amount to gift to your nieces – most aunts and uncles would think a $100 graduation gift at high school was generous. However, $5000 per girl isn’t life-changing and so if the girls have to take out a loan for $5000 they can pay it back relatively easily when they graduate – it is not like some people who are burdened with $100,000 or more in educational loans and will take a lifetime to pay back.
And talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face – or not thinking long-range. Maybe economic circumstances change for OP in the next five years and so OP might have given them $5000 for graduation or even help with a down payment.
But I would think this attitude really soured OP – and rightfully so – on any future gifts.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you were VERY generous, but I get why the parents would be upset.
No doubt, the kids know what the others received and don’t have the benefit of perspective yet on the expenses that come up during difficult years. Parents are usually always trying to keep things ‘even’ so none of the kids feel like another is the favorite.
Maybe down the road, you will find it’s possible to help the younger ones a little more, e.g., after they have graduated and are setting up households. In any event, you have given what you deemed appropriate for your budget – it’s a gift, not a guarantee!” NGDGUnpunished
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Financials change. It sounds like your sister and brother took advantage of the fact that you were saving for their children’s college educations and decided to be irresponsible by not setting up any savings towards that themselves.
I wonder though, what are your niece’s feelings and response to this situation? Are they even aware that the money the oldest got, and 2 younger ones are to receive came from you? Or did it go through their parents?
If either or both of the 2 younger ones are gracious, appreciative and understanding of the change in the financial situation to receive what you can offer, even though it’s less than what the oldest got.
You would be a butt to withdraw and basically punish them for their parents’ entitlement and greed.
However, if they reflect back the same entitled attitude and rudeness, what I would do in your situation is to tell them straight up ‘You have 10 grand each.
That is what you have now. However one more rude comment, any more harassment, a single pucker on your face/es from sour grapes. And you will have Zero. Not even a dime.'” Yzma_Kitt
14. AITJ For Taking My Sister To Her Gender Reveal Appointment?
“My (m33) parents are deceased. I have a younger sister (f25) who’s married and is expecting.
I’m also married but do not have kids due to health issues on both sides.
I would visit and check on my sister from time to time. I’m not on great terms with her husband m31 but we’re civil to each other.
She started calling and asking for my help more often since she got pregnant. I have no issue with this but BIL thinks I’m being ‘too involved’ in my sister and the baby’s life.
Last week, I got a call from my sister asking if I could take her to the doctor’s office. It was a gender reveal appointment. I asked why her husband didn’t take her and she explained he was supposed to drive her but he had to attend his mom’s birthday and asked her to reschedule but she refused.
I took her to the appointment, but BIL called and was furious saying I shouldn’t have gotten involved because now I had caused him a precious moment in finding out if he was going to have a girl or a boy, basically saying that I took this experience away from him and called me weird for being too involved in my sister’s marriage and sticking my nose in it to the point where I was making the doctor think I was her husband.
I told him the reason the doctor thought I was her husband was because of his absence and lack of commitment as a father. He blew up at me and I hung up on him.
My wife said she gets that I wanna help my sister out but said that I might have gone too far and should’ve respected BIL’s boundaries.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sounds like the problem lies between your sister and BIL, not with you.
Family typically helps each other out, so helping your sister when she asks is not unreasonable. Your sister is deciding your level of involvement (because it seems like you are offering more support than the father of her child and if BIL has an issue with your involvement, that’s something he needs to take up with your sister).
Seems like BIL may not be ready for the responsibilities and sacrifices that come with having a child if he can’t even be bothered to be involved in the pregnancy. Please don’t stop giving your sister support if she asks, it seems like her needs are not being met by BIL.” Strange-Point2289
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! BIL has some serious insecurities he needs to work through when he was getting jealous of his wife’s relationship with HER BROTHER. (AKA the only immediate family she has left.)
Also, BIL needs to recognize that it’s not like OP is just popping in and going ‘Hey! I’m gonna do _____ for the baby and this and that and yadda.’ His wife is ACTIVELY REQUESTING OP’s help with stuff, and he’s getting annoyed because OP is agreeing to do it?
What’s wrong with him? Why does he want his wife to be helpless?
BIL has red flags flying all over the place. OP, at this point I am legitimately concerned for your sister and your future niece/nephew.
Keep a close eye on the situation and be ready to help them get out of there if and when they need to!” cart-pit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. BIL didn’t ask for your help, your sister did.
You helped your sister.
BIL’s mad because his plan was ruined, he did not get to prioritize his mother and force his wife to comply with this lack of commitment to his wife and child by changing her appointment.
BIL should have been there, had the choice to, and chose to put his mother first. Wouldn’t be surprised to find out that the appointment came first, or that there were options that could easily have happened to celebrate his mother’s birthday some other day or other time, like that evening.
This wasn’t disrespectful of BIL’s boundaries. BIL was disrespectful to your sister. HE made the wrong choice and is trying to make your sister take responsibility for this, by blaming her.
BIL owes you an apology.
He owes your sister years of making amends and changed behaviors, with a major apology as a mere clearing of the board to get started.
I think your sister is gutsy, to refuse to comply with BIL’s demand that she make her medical needs less important than his mother’s wants.
A pregnant woman being asked to postpone a medical appointment, which had to be during office hours, not on a weekend or evening, for a party? That’s disrespectful. BIL needs therapy to see why.” blueberryyogurtcup
13. AITJ For Blaming My Brother And His Wife For Their Son's Rude Behavior?
“My nephew, Dylan, is sixteen. My brother, Jesse, and sister-in-law, Nichole, suffered years of infertility before they had Dylan. Their pregnancy before Dylan’s ended in a stillbirth. Jesse and Nichole were absolutely devastated. They were terrified to try again and potentially lose a second child.
We all shared this fear, but, thankfully, my nephew was born healthy. However, Jesse and Nichole have been so focused on the fear of potentially losing Dylan that they won’t tell him ‘No’ and do not enforce any boundaries.
They excuse his unacceptable behavior by saying we should just be grateful that Dylan’s healthy and here with us. (Quick Note: Practically every adult in the family has recommended therapy for Jesse and Nichole, but they refuse because they say that Dylan is healthy/here with us so everything is fine, and stop bringing it up.)
All of Dylan’s teachers say that he’s a respectful and focused student. Dylan is clearly capable of behaving, but his behavior at home is unacceptable because, unlike school, there are no boundaries or consequences enforced on him.
Dylan cusses, breaks things, and flips off his parents until he gets his own way. Nichole asked Dylan to please wash his cup and Dylan responded ‘How about you go screw yourself instead?’ Dylan has left multiple dents in both Jesse and Nichole’s car while stealing it (Dylan hasn’t even begun Driver’s Ed.) Jesse and Nichole insist that ‘bad influence kids’ are to blame for Dylan’s home behavior, and these ‘bad kids’ are ‘manipulating’ Dylan to act this way.
Jesse and Nichole do not take any accountability for their enabling and lack of boundaries.
Jesse and Nichole arrived at last week’s family dinner exhausted. They explained Dylan broke their flatscreen after Jesse and Nichole told Dylan to get off his Xbox so they could use the tv.
Jesse and Nichole asked if I could ‘help them out’ with a new tv and it would be greatly appreciated. (I’m childless and in my thirties, so I’m the most financially well-off and usually the one they come to for ‘help.’) I suggested instead that they make Dylan get a job because he will learn to be much more respectful of their property after he experiences the hard work that goes into earning it.
They immediately shamed me for being so ‘irresponsible’ because a kid shouldn’t have to worry about keeping a job and ‘Come on, Rose, be an adult.’ I replied that if they want to talk about being adults then they need to stop blaming everyone else for Dylan’s behavior when he’s a monster of their own making.
The other dinner guests immediately sided with Jesse and Nichole because I have no idea about how hard it is to punish or ever make your miracle child unhappy. And I have never known the heartache that comes with years of infertility or the devastation of a stillbirth.
And I could have still been ‘stingy’ without starting a fight and ruining a pleasant family dinner. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I mean, maybe someone could argue that you shouldn’t have said that in front of everyone, but they’re the ones who brought it up in front of everyone?
Y’all are absolutely right that they need therapy. Infertility and stillbirth are incredibly difficult things to go through, and it’s clear they were traumatized by them. Problem is, their trauma is causing them to fail their son by not giving him the boundaries and life lessons he needs to be a functional adult when he’s out in the real world.
I totally get how hard it is to say ‘no’ or feel like the bad guy (it’s one of the reasons I know I’m not ready to be a parent), and I’m sympathetic to their grief and fears.
But it’s still their responsibility to learn how to deal with that grief in a healthy way for the sake of their son who is alive and relying on them.
All you did was tell them the truth about why you wouldn’t be helping them enable his behavior.” finallyinfinite
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This kid has deep contempt for his parents. He doesn’t act like this at school. It probably happened gradually, so they have normalized it. They need a huge wake-up call to address his behavior before it’s too late.
If they go to family therapy, this might be a short rebellious phase. If they don’t, it gets cemented into his personality.
His behavior is shocking and awful. The rest of the family needs to not normalize it with them and you’re right to call it out.
They need to get to the root of his anger towards them instead of tuning it out, ignoring it, or excusing it. I’d keep asking them: why not go to therapy? Do they want to keep ignoring him while he’s suffering from something?
At the very least, they need to have a heart-to-heart to ask him why he acts like he hates them… but maybe they’re too afraid to hear the answer.” RulerOfNyaNyaLand
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Every life that survives birth and early childhood is a miracle. People forget how common child death used to be. Children were often not named until months into their lives because there was such a high chance they wouldn’t survive.
His being a ‘miracle’ child is no excuse to not teach him how to be a respectable human. Being a parent is hard. Someone should have pointed this out to them years ago.
At this point, he needs far more serious intervention than he would as a small child. So many horrible crimes are committed by men who never learned to accept the word no or to control their anger.
Today it’s a broken TV. Tomorrow it could be someone’s face.” MadWitchLibrarian
12. AITJ For Asking The Kid's Parents To Leave?
“So I’m (35f) a swimming teacher. Over the year, I teach hundreds if not thousands of kids how to swim… now the issue came when a friend of a friend recommended me to someone, she booked with me, I gave her an outline and all the information everyone else gets, and even an understanding of things that are acceptable and things that are not.
Now I’m a fairly firm teacher, yes we have fun but I’m teaching a life-saving skill here not just a woo hoo let’s jump around and be silly thing.
This kid, let’s call him Billy (7m), came for his first 2 lessons.
Mum and dad loved it now this is where it started… I don’t mind parents shouting things to kids on the side of the pool but what was being shouted was actually causing the kid to panic that he wasn’t doing it right even though I was encouraging him and being like it’s ok.
After about lesson 5 it got to the point that the whole family was showing up to the lesson (these are private lessons so Billy was the only one in the pool) and the whole family is shouting different advice and the dad particularly is screaming at Billy all the wrong things… on lesson six I pulled the parents aside and suggested that maybe Billy would be better if they were not watching as they can cause him to get anxious and panic.
As soon as I said this dad lost it at me and screamed in my face calling me names and saying I only wanted to send them away so I could treat their child badly!
At this point I threw their money back at them and said for them to never return… the problem now lies my friend only heard what they said and has since pulled their daughter from lessons and is posting on all the family sites that I’m a bad teacher!
I have confronted them and explained on each post and been called a liar and that I should never be allowed to teach! AITJ for trying to do the right thing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I think you need to change some language in your contract. Something along the lines of poolside encouragement being welcome so long as it does not negatively affect the child and their ability to focus on the lesson, parents may be asked to cease at the teacher’s discretion, and failure to do so may result in parents being asked to leave.
Continued ‘encouragement’ that negatively affects the child with parents refusing to stop or leave may result in the family being dropped from lessons. Plus a note about how you love having parents who are enthusiastic about their kid learning, but all poolside encouragement has to stay within the bounds of keeping the kid comfortable, and if parents’ encouragement causes the kid to be unfocused or panicky that’s dangerous to you and the child.” inkpaperdream
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Consider lawyering up since the defamation is causing you to lose clients, therefore is causing financial harm. Find a way to shut down negative reviews based on false information.
That they accused you of wanting to mistreat the child is heinous and absurd.
You only wanted their shouting to stop. I’m sure you already told them not to do it, and that they insisted on doing it multiple times before you told them to consider not being present.” foodieboricua
Consider litigation for the defamation.
Also I would possibly consider a notification to CPS based on the behaviour you have seen of the parents towards the child. If they treat him like this in public where there are external witnesses, then you can only imagine what they treat him like at home.
His response to his father screaming at him and telling him he is doing everything wrong is fear. That's why he's panicking. He may be worried what is going to happen once he gets home.
It also sounds like the dad might've been projecting his own behaviour with what he was screaming at you.
11. AITJ For Not Accommodating My Father-In-Law And Brother-In-Law?
“I (27m) have been married to my wife (26f) for about 6 months and have been with her for five years. We have a nice family celebration type thing now for Canadian thanksgiving on the 15th, usually, my family can’t make it the actual day so we’ve been celebrating a few days before or after since I was a kid.
Now that we’re married my parents agreed to let my MIL, FIL and BIL come to thanksgiving to welcome them to the family.
Now in my family, everyone cooks unless they physically can’t or are too old.
Even the kids help out and it’s great family bonding as people all make one dish in a small randomly picked group. My wife grew up differently, it was always her and her mom cooking while FIL and BIL watched tv and did nothing.
Cooking together is very important to my family and for every holiday meal we all cook and clean up because no one likes doing all the cooking and cleaning.
My FIL found that out and pretty much said ‘good for them’ and he and BIL assumed that they wouldn’t need to do anything.
I corrected them very politely saying that as they’re family they’ll help cook, and they don’t need to do anything hard. They could do dishes while everyone else cooked, make something simple like mashed potatoes.
Even just go on last-minute grocery runs for everyone else.
FIL and BIL lost their minds, saying all sorts of horrible things including a bunch of sexist ‘women belong in the kitchen’ nonsense.
What made it worse was when FIL turned to MIL and expected her to agree with him. She didn’t and said that it sounds like a great way to get to know everyone and merge our families.
Now BIL and FIL are getting their family to bombard me, my wife, and MIL with texts, calls, and anything they can think of telling us how horrible we are for not ‘accommodating’ FIL and BIL.
AITJ for expecting them to join in on the cooking with my family?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mil’s reaction is telling – she thinks it is a great idea, after presumably being unhappy with the previous division of labor in her home but feeling unable to change it herself.
You have given them an option – they can attend your event, in which everyone helps and does their share – or they can choose to refuse your invitation and stay home or attend a different one, and that seems a completely fair decision.
You have no requirement to alter your (run in a way that could be considered tradition for your family) event because a couple of guests don’t want to take part.
The best part is that with mil happy to attend and be part of the larger group, they will be left with nothing at home for them made by her.
So should they refuse your invitation they won’t be getting the meal they want anyway, and will be left with only what they are willing to cook or order themselves.
There is no place for misogyny like this anymore in a public setting.
People may have the tasks of their home life split in a way they are happy with, but that doesn’t mean they can expect to always retain this division elsewhere. This is a special situation outside of normal rules.” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
They more so than you… but you decided that your family tradition was better and pushed it on them. You expecting that they’ll have to do it YOUR way would annoy me in that situation, even if I was just fine helping out.
Plus, with it being the first Thanksgiving altogether… yeah, they’re guests. You use kid gloves to ‘merge’ the families.
Of course, FIL and BIL are jerks for their sexist remarks and refusal to help at all.
So, the correct course of action is to get a deep fryer and frozen turkey. Tell them they’re in charge of the ‘men’ work and let them figure the rest out.” TragedyRose
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it sounds fair and wonderful!
When MIL finally decides ‘Screw it, I’m out!’ are they going to starve and die in their own decayed filth? Or will they grow up and learn to take care of themselves?
Apparently, that moment starts with Thanksgiving – they can sit at home with no feast, or come join in with EVERYONE ELSE doing a fair share. I mean for real – they refuse to even do the runs for last-minute forgotten items?
That’s not cooking or cleaning! How lazy can you possibly be while still demanding a full meal?!
Please persuade MIL to come a day or so early and stay a few days after.
It will give her a break from these two idiots and they won’t be able to force her to make them their own special Thanksgiving, which you know they are 100% going to force off her when they refuse to attend yours.” C_Alex_author
10. AITJ For Wanting To Spend Christmas With My Significant Other's Family?
“In my family, everyone is divorced, my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. And my cousins don’t get along. But for some reason, they still decide to spend Christmas together to keep the family from falling apart but end up in a heated argument between the divorcees and my spoiled cousins fighting over presents.
I also have to look after my cousins while my aunt goes and drinks away. It’s not merry at all. I was explaining this to my SO’s parents and they offered to let me join them for Christmas in a few months.
My SO’s parents are more like parents to me than my actual ones, all my mother has done was put a roof over my head and feed me, she didn’t care for me at all (she also blames me for my dad leaving her).
They don’t support me going out with a girl and even kicked me out because of it. My SO’s parents took me in and cared for me. I obviously accepted this offer but when I told my family they weren’t happy.
My aunt called me selfish but I think the only reason she cares is that now she has no one to look after her kids. My parents said they were hurt and said I was an ungrateful brat and now they won’t talk to me.
So AITJ?
Edit: I have now cut contact with my family.
Edit 2: Well my SO and I broke up and I have nowhere to go – back with my parents.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ll be an adult at Christmas time. You’re not living with them. They actively kicked you out. And they sound to only want you around for their own selfish reasons.
Sure sounds like a heap of reasons to want to go.
Pro-tip: Anthracite is the preferred thing to give for the type of gift they deserve in their stocking this year. Good for home heating. Lignite is only really good for power generation. Bituminous isn’t generally preferred but can have appeal for those interested in its use as an energizer for steel making.
Sourcing and proper selection are just as important here as any other gift giving.” hard_tyrant_dinosaur
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kids are supposed to grow up and gradually start spending less and less time with their family of origin and start spending time with friends/partners… basically developing a family of the heart.
Your personal situation has caused that to perhaps happen sooner rather than later. If your family of origin is toxic, then you are better off spending as much time as you can with your family of the heart.” Diasies_inMyHair
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: They kicked you out. You should not go back and spend holidays with them again… ever. This is rough and painful, but if you want a real family, you’ll have to go and make one for yourself.
It won’t be easy, but it seems like you’re making a fine start already. Good luck and do not let these people make you feel a scrap of guilt.” Rtarara
9. AITJ For Wanting To Have A "Moms Only" Dinner At My House?
“I (35f) want to have a ‘moms’ night in’ theme dinner party but my (37m) husband says it’s rude to exclude the women in our friend group who are not moms. I can see his point to some degree but also think I have valid reasons.
Most women without children can go out at their leisure without prior arrangements. Most moms have to plan for babysitters and don’t often get to do fun things on their own. I was originally going to just have a girl’s dinner but the guest list was getting big and some of the women I felt I would be inviting out of obligation because I’m not close to them directly nor a big fan of but I am perfectly civil when crossing paths.
When I reviewed the guest list to see who I truly didn’t love the idea of inviting, it just so happened the ones I removed were not moms. The ones that remained know some of the others removed from the list so the only way I could externally justify inviting some and not others was to call it a ‘moms’ dinner.’ My view is that I should be able to invite whomever I want into my home and not be pressured or obligated to invite those I don’t have anything in common.
Would someone rather be excluded for not being a mom or just because I don’t like them? They’re not bad people just not my type of people.
ETA: I feel like I should clarify some things here.
Yes, my husband actually cares about this situation because it involves his friend group. He said excluding some of the partners/wives would be awkward for him and cause problems. He feels I should also add that this would be a moms’ Christmas/holiday party and he feels I should be inclusive of everyone during the holidays.
Lastly, this isn’t a situation of breaking up a friend group.
The guest list includes a few different friends each from high school, college, work, etc. The last group would be my husband’s friends’ partners.
Out of this group, one is legitimately my friend and we hang out regularly. Two of them are really nice and would like to get closer to them, so thought this would be a good way to do so.
The remaining ones are the ones I’m meh about and those happen to be the non-moms. A couple of them are single and not really desiring children and one is married wanting children.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am really confused as to why everyone in a friend group would be expected to be included any time any subset of that friend group wanted to go off and do something.
Are we not functional adults anymore that we can’t handle people ‘doing their own thing’ once in a while?
Honestly, you should be able to get together with the other Moms in the group without making a big deal about it.
If any non-mothers ask, you can just say it’s a dinner to hang out and talk about our kids without boring the snot out of everybody else. If they can’t handle that without being overly emotional…
it is probably a good idea to keep them at arm’s length anyway. I would assume that the childless people in the larger friend group who you actually consider friends you engage with independently anyway, so if you are concerned about hurt feelings, make a point of having coffee with them (if you haven’t lately) to reinforce the fact that you value their presence in your life.” Diasies_inMyHair
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, I doubt very much that people who choose to be without kids or don’t want them at this stage, would want to spend an entire meal and beyond listening to women go on and on about their kids.
That sounds like an absolutely terrible evening. I can’t think of anything worse. Nobody wants to hear about your kids unless they can commiserate or compete.
And given that you have said that you only want people there that you have stuff in common with (ie other moms) that’s literally all that’s going to be on the menu.
Kid talk, kids-ruined-my-body talk, boring school talk. It sounds dull as heck. The worst.
NTJ.
People talking about their kids is so agonizingly boring, you’re doing them a favor, honestly. And I mean that sincerely.
That said, maybe don’t call it a moms only night. Some of your friends may want kids but might be struggling to have them. Excluding them, because they’re unable, rather than unwilling, to have kids might come across as a little unkind.” Outlored
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Events don’t have to involve every single person every single time. I may be the odd one out, but it should be okay for smaller sub-groups of a larger group to do their own things together from time to time.
Everyone doesn’t need to always be included, and there shouldn’t be anything wrong with enjoying someone’s company but not friendship as long as civility holds. I absolutely hate this idea that women have to cater to and include everyone, especially other women.
It isn’t like you’re excluding one or two people, and it isn’t like it’s malicious. You just enjoy being around other moms because you have more in common with them than single women.
That is completely okay. Very strong, very hard NTJ.” SeginusGhostGalaxy
8. AITJ For Making My Partner Watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show?
“I (25f) love the Rocky Horror Picture Show. My friends and I like to have movie nights together and we had a friend who hadn’t seen it so we chose Rocky Horror for tonight’s movie a few days ago.
My partner (22m) sometimes tags along. He said he had never seen the movie either and wanted to join. He’s pretty sheltered and grew up really religious (he still is pretty religious but not as much as he once was) so it didn’t surprise me.
Knowing that he would probably be put off by how sensual the movie can get I warned him that he might not like it and some of the things might make him uncomfortable.
He said he’s perfectly okay with anything he might see as obviously, it’s not straight-up an adult film so he joined in tonight. Admittedly, I was a bit shocked that he was okay with it because he’s a bit of a prude (not saying it negatively obviously I don’t mind that about him) but he knows himself best so I didn’t grill him on it.
Apparently, he was not okay with ‘anything he might see’ because he was off put by each and every piece of undergarment and anything remotely inappropriate that he saw. I could tell he wasn’t having a good time but it’s one of my favorite movies so I didn’t let his bad time ruin my good one.
I thought at first maybe he was just shocked as again, he’s pretty sheltered but when we were driving home he got kind of annoyed at me that I showed him the movie.
I told him that I warned him about the movie and it was on him to do his research if he was worried about a movie’s content. I also reminded him that he chose to come along and watch and that it’s not like I made him watch it.
I feel like if I wanted to show him the movie it would’ve been more appropriate to give him a rundown but he decided to come to watch it and told me he was going to be okay with it.
However, he continued to say that he felt uncomfortable and that I should’ve told him just how dirty it was. I told him he’s an adult and if he can’t handle an R-rated movie then it’s on him to do his research.
He dropped me off at home and told me he was still upset and it’s only been an hour or so but I do feel bad that he did not have a good time but I am also mad that he made it my responsibility to tell him each and every thing that happens in the movie that he might not like.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“So… he’s mad you didn’t warn him after you warned him because you didn’t warn him enough?
He said he’d be fine and, as he’s an adult it is perfectly acceptable to take him at his word.
NTJ.
He knows he has autonomy, right? If it upset his sensibility so badly, he could literally get up and not continue to watch it. That might have had some social consequences, but it would have saved his poor eyes and tender soul and he wouldn’t have had to subject himself to a fun and fantastic musical.” ArcWolf713
Another User Comments:
“You warned him, invited him, he accepted and stated he would be okay with it. You are NTJ because he decided to change his mind about his own feelings, even after he stated he would be fine, and accepted the invite, warning given.
This is entirely on him, and likely his own attempt at pulling you into his moral direction, using your invite as the perfect opportunity. He’s trying to change you, and doing so by trying to guilt you into it.
Leave this guy, save yourself the trouble of more of this.” lessonlearned1222
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yes, the movie might have offended him or made him uncomfortable. OP if you honestly tried to dissuade him, then it’s his problem.
He shouldn’t blame you for the choice he made. I know you’re both young but this just reeks of an immature kid. He’s upset and therefore SOMEONE must be to blame, like when my kid stubs their toe from the toy they left out and then yell at me.
They’re just mad and don’t know how to regulate their emotions. They expect someone else to fix the situation and make them feel better. He wanted you to be so contrite and pat his hand and give him a hug and tell him how terrible the situation was.
Instead, you acted like a rational adult and reminded him that you’re not responsible for the emotional response his own actions induced. Tantrum ensued. This happens with my toddlers too.” Beanz4ever
7. AITJ For Not Paying For My Sister?
“I (26f) volunteered to have my niece and nephew, 8 and 5, over at my apartment for a week during their school break. I moved states last year, however, it is still only a 3-hour trip from my family.
I hadn’t seen my niblings in a long time, and I told my sister I could take them during their break and would take time off work to have them. We agreed I would pick them up and drop them off, and cover all of their expenses while they were with me (food, entertainment, etc), which I had already planned on doing and saved for.
I live closer to a lot of more activities, such as aquariums, zoos, and interactive kid parks, and thought they would enjoy going to these places since they couldn’t get that at home.
However, when I got to my sister’s house to pick them up, my sister (f27) decided she was also going to go and wanted me to pay for her. I told her she was welcome to come but I was not paying for her.
Partly because of it already being expensive, but also because she has a habit of intentionally racking up high bills when someone else is paying and laughing about how much she is costing that person.
One birthday I had taken her out for lunch to celebrate and it was nearly my entire paycheck and she laughed and told me ‘I could have done more.’ She was upset and told me because I refused to pay for her she wouldn’t let my niece and nephew come with me and told me to go home and that I could never see her children again because I was a ‘selfish, narcissistic jerk’.
AITJ for not just paying for her?
Edit: we grew up with an extremely narcissistic mother who gaslit us constantly. I am perpetually afraid of becoming like her and my sister and am constantly second-guessing my reactions to them.
Also, my niece and nephew were extremely upset I couldn’t take them. My niece understands but my nephew doesn’t and I could see his little heartbreak.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is a major jerk in so many ways.
She wants a fully paid vacation with her limitless expenses covered and a babysitter, she lied about deciding to come obviously planning to manipulate you, is using her children as a bargaining chip and she planned to take advantage of your generosity and she is making them miss out on fun activities.
You were already so generous, free childcare for a week, lots of activities, and picking them up.” qwertysam5
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is a selfish narcissistic jerk. She is literally punishing her own children because she didn’t get her own way.
If she wanted to attend and needed you to pay for her, the absolute least she should have done is talk to you in advance (and ASKED). She probably purposefully didn’t and betted that if she sprung it on you after you had already driven that far that you would give in.
Literally, every insult she hurled at you describes HER behavior perfectly. That is called projecting.
If I were in your shoes I would make sure to reach out to other family members/mutual friends to give them the REAL story, because people who act this way are almost always manipulators with other family as well.
Don’t let her create a false narrative to criminalize you. You are 100% not in the wrong here. She manipulated you, disrespected you terribly, made you drive 3 hours for nothing, and is trying to use her children to emotionally blackmail you.
That is unhealthy behavior towards not just you but also her children. I’m sure they were very upset and disappointed and are now likely being manipulated against you. I feel so bad for those children!
If she acts this way over situations like this, I’m sure it’s just the tip of the iceberg of other unhealthy behaviors she subjects them to.” MainEgg320
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your sister is the jerk, she is trying to financially abuse you and has weaponized her kids to do so. Which shows what type of mother she is. Do not allow your sister to take advantage of you, call her out on her own behaviors.
I would set up an account for when the kids reach of age and want to go to college, with a selfish mother, they are unlikely to get any assistance from their parents to go otherwise.
You could pick up your relationship with them then.
But if it doesn’t work out and they don’t want to go or have anything to do with you, then it’s just advanced savings for yourself for later.” gemma156
6. AITJ For Buying Myself Flowers?
“During the global crisis (and ever since, too) I (53F) had to go into the office every weekday, and I got into the habit of buying myself inexpensive grocery-store flowers about 2x a month to brighten up my desk.
About a year ago my husband (52M) told me he hated that I buy myself flowers because he should be buying me flowers. I honestly thought he was joking, but I told him he can ALWAYS buy me flowers and left it at that.
This past week I was particularly happy with my choice of stems & my arranging skills, and since it’s a long weekend & I still wanted to enjoy them, I brought them home.
Tonight after dinner he asks, ‘who bought you those?’ and I joked, ‘my best friend and biggest fan – ME!’ And I kid you not, he was livid. Like, he really believes I should not buy myself flowers.
He somehow thinks… I dunno… I’m buying flowers to make him feel bad?! I tried to tell him again that he can always buy flowers, there is no such thing as too many, and that my buying flowers to enjoy at work has NOTHING to do with him.
But he started raising his voice and getting really angry, saying this has been going on for a long time and this is just another example of how I make him feel ‘less than’.
Help me out – is there something I’m missing? AITJ?
INFO edit: he bought me a beautiful, elaborate flower arrangement two years ago for our anniversary, and he has bought me potted flowers and fruit trees for the yard as gifts.
He got pretty mad at me that I don’t spend enough time picking the fruit or tending the flowers, which I get. I tried to assure him that I really do appreciate the gestures, but I have a tough time keeping up with outdoor gardening on top of full-time work (and, to be honest, my other interests, which take me out of the house a lot, since honestly, home feels pretty toxic right now).
He works part-time & is ‘in charge’ (his words) of the outdoor upkeep. We’ve had conversations about getting professional landscaping & an irrigation system, etc., but he has yet to move on anything.
I feel like if I were to ask again he’d feel like I was nagging. He started planning for building a fence 6 months ago & has yet to put 1 screw into 1 board.
Oh, and tomorrow is our anniversary, too.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People buy flowers for themselves all the time, they buy them like you do for work, and they buy them to decorate their homes.
Even though your husband is acting like it, there is no law or rule that says flowers have to be bought by someone for their partner. I don’t know why your husband’s getting so insanely upset but whatever his reasons for being so bothered that is his problem to deal with, it’s not yours.
And obviously, if he really wants you to stop buying flowers for yourself, then he could make it a priority for himself to go to the grocery store twice a week and buy you flowers.
Seems like a simple solution to a self-made problem that your husband has dreamed up in his head.” LuvLaughLive
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You deserve to make yourself feel happy and get nice things.
You can point to him about things he does to make himself feel happy – and things you do to make him feel loved.
But yeah, either he starts putting his money where his mouth is or shut up (or if he’s concerned over the fact that bouquets don’t live long, suggest he buy you a potted plant if he wishes you to have something symbolic of your love as you will remember to tend the flowers as you tend your relationship yadda yadda yadda).” ImaginaryDimension36
Another User Comments:
“I feel like the disconnect here is that he thinks flowers are themselves a symbol of romance and love, and so your buying them for yourself feels insulting to him as a partner.
(Not saying he’s right, just that that’s probably where he’s coming from.) Combined with, I imagine, some male ego-related self-consciousness and inadequacy that he’s projecting onto you. You, on the other hand, simply enjoy flowers in or out of a romantic context, so you buy them just because you like them – not necessarily to fill a lack of romance from him or whatever.
(I also love getting flowers as a romantic gift, but I also just like flowers in general so I buy them for myself all the time too.) So I think he needs to not take it so personally, stop trying to control what you buy/like, and work on his own insecurities without making them your problem.
NTJ.” Fair-Spaghetti
5. AITJ For Not Being As Emotionally Available As I Should've Been?
“Alice (34F) and I (31F) are best friends. When we first met 5 yrs ago, Alice and I were romantically involved. Alice and I kissed a few times and after 2-3 months it organically fizzled out and Alice and I became good platonic friends.
Initially, I was nervous about Alice’s wedding because I wasn’t sure if I would know everything that was expected of me – I don’t have many female friends and have only attended 1 wedding as an adult.
There were no bridesmaids or maid of honor.
In May, Alice had her bachelorette party and at the time I was living in Chile with my partner—we’re both digital nomads and he’s not an American citizen, so he can only be in the US for 90 days.
For me to be able to attend the bachelorette party and for him to be able to come to the wedding, we had to be separated for a month after the bachelorette party—a sacrifice I was willing to make.
Alice was mad her sisters weren’t helping enough with the bachelorette party so I planned everything. I flew in from Chile the day before, it was a 16-hour flight. Even though it’s in a similar time zone, I was exhausted. It was hard for me to rally and drink, and one night was tired and went home at 1 am.
I also felt really disconnected from Alice, and I saw a really superficial side of her I’d never seen before. In September, Alice wanted to have a 2nd bachelorette party so we did, and this time I made sure to really be present and lively.
The whole summer Alice complained about her fiance not helping more with the planning. Then a week before the wedding, Alice confronts me and asks why I haven’t been helping her more.
I was shocked, I thought if she wanted help she would have just asked me directly. I didn’t think this was totally fair but I could see how she didn’t communicate and I didn’t ask.
After we had talked about what was left to do and I made a long to-do list for us.
During the wedding week, I was preparing to move to New Zealand 2 days after the wedding.
So we had to sell our cars, pack, work 40 hrs, and attend a wedding event every night. I checked in with Alice every day to remind her of things and see what I could do to help.
For the most part, she had it handled but I did a few things. Her sisters came into town too and since they weren’t working they were able to really help out.
The wedding went great and I gave a heartfelt speech. My partner and I left for NZ, all seemed well. Then Alice said she was disappointed with me, that I wasn’t emotionally available for her, I didn’t write enough in the card, and she didn’t believe I was actually tired for the bachelorette party bc I was coming from a similar time zone.
I am really shocked by all of this because I know I couldn’t have given an ounce more than I did. I feel like she wants and needs constant validation from me that I frankly feel uncomfortable with giving.
It’s like she’s holding me to unnatural standards for a best friend that I’m not capable of meeting. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I feel like Alice likely was disappointed in how everything went, not because people didn’t step up or it was a mess, but because it didn’t match her very high, unrealistic expectations.
That’s not on you.
I mean, she was complaining about how much you wrote on her card! How petty is that?
Since you move around a lot, I would take advantage of a new location on the other side of the world from her as a chance to get some emotional distance in that relationship.
Tell her you’re sorry she’s disappointed in you, but you’re also disappointed in her. You feel you did all you could for her, and you’re sorry that it was not enough. Then leave it at that: you’ve validated her feelings but communicated that how she’s dealing with them is hurtful.
If she blows up or doesn’t respond, the friendship has run its course. Sad, but that organically happens sometimes. Then you can invest your time in other relationships that better match who you are now and who you want to be than who you were when you were 26.” Cryptographer_Alone
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Alice sounds insufferable. She seems oblivious that the people on whom she is placing her demands might actually have their own lives and commitments. Even worse, she apparently has standards of emotional commitment that are known only to her.
Honestly, I would not lose any sleep over this. Either she comes around and realizes what a jerk she has been or she stays like this, in which case, that’s a friend you do not need.
Personally, I find the simplest DIY weddings are typically the most enjoyable, with the more expensive, more complex weddings being stressful for everyone involved.” FatBloke4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were a friend, not a maid of honor and her wedding sounds crazy exhausting and over the top with the number of events.
Every night for a week? And that was not enough? Even for a maid of honor that would be insane. Sounds more like she needed indentured servitude with a smile!
Enjoy being on a different continent and see how this friendship feels in a few years.
Some people get over their wedding selfishness and return to earth so maybe do not go scorched earth… But sheesh.” coffeecoffi
4. AITJ For Not Letting My Ex Sleep Over?
“We got divorced a year ago.
When we got divorced we jointly had 2 dogs and a cat. He had the cat before we even met, and was supposed to take her with him. He moved out and decided not to take the cat.
The cat is now sick and it is time to put her to sleep. I called him and asked if he would like to be there for the appointment and he said he would, which I was fine with.
Later he texted me saying that he’d like to spend the night with her to say goodbye and that he would put me up in a hotel so he could stay at my house with the cat to say his goodbyes.
I responded that I am actually seeing someone now, and we live together and wasn’t comfortable with him staying at our home, but that I would be happy to pack her things up and she could stay with him for a few days or however long he needed for him to say goodbye.
He said the drive (about 30 minutes) and staying somewhere new would be too stressful for her. I offered for him to come over for a few hours and say his goodbyes and he says I’m being unreasonable and keeping him from saying his proper goodbyes.
AITJ?
Additional info: the cat is nearly 27 years old. He had her before we met, and we were together for 15 years. I agreed he could have her in the divorce but he decided at the last minute that moving would be too stressful for her.
In reality, he likes to travel and I don’t think he wanted the responsibility of a cat who needs medicine 4x a day. However, he has sent food for her consistently over the last year; and paid a large emergency vet bill without being asked. He thinks the 30 mins drive to his new place and staying the night there would be too stressful for her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. All of those alternatives would be too stressful for a 27 yo cat at the end of its life. The compromise of visiting for a few hours and attending the appointment that you have offered is a good offer, and he should accept that.
I can see why he would want to spend the night with the cat (cats can be much more active and engaged at night, and some are much cuddlier at night), but he shouldn’t ask you to go stay somewhere else for that and if you’re not comfortable with him staying over in any capacity, then that is a reasonable boundary for you to have.” loosegoose42
Another User Comments:
“‘he would put me up in a hotel so he could stay at my house.’
Absolutely not. No. All the circumstances around this mean nothing because what the… what, NO.
But also, to be clear – no to all the rest as well. He voluntarily gave up the cat. Even if that was because it was in the cat’s best interest, this notion that he needs to be alone in your house to ‘spend some last time’ with the cat is… that’s being unreasonable.
You very kindly offered him several alternatives including letting him into your space as long as you were present, and he still refused. At this point, I’m super suspicious (I mean even more so) as to why he wants to be in your house unsupervised for an entire night so badly.
Definitely, absolutely, positively, irrevocably, God, no.
NTJ.” ISTFMM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If he cared about the cat that much he would have taken her with him. He can’t abandon a cat and then suddenly make it your responsibility to facilitate him making up for lost time once the inevitable happens.
He knowingly left his elderly cat behind – he must surely have been able to have the foresight to predict that at some point in the not-too-distant future this time would come. Yet he made the decisions he did and now it’s your responsibility to put yourself out in order to soften the consequences of his own decisions?
I can totally see why you divorced this man.” JessandWoody
3. AITJ For Telling My Aunt To Get Lost And Leave Me Alone?
“I (18F) hate my aunt. She’s fake nice; she has a special way of making me feel like utter trash, and she does it every time without fail.
She’ll call me fat without outright saying it out loud by saying things like ‘don’t worry, you’ll thin out when you get older’ and ‘I was gonna give you some of your cousin’s old clothes that she’s grown out of but then I realized they’d be too small, I’m so sorry honey!’
She’ll ask me about how my studies are going and I’ll answer politely, and then she’ll randomly ask me trivia questions — e.g. she’ll say a random big word (she said a word in Latin once) and ask me to define it, and when I inevitably say ‘I don’t know’ she’ll just go ‘hmmm’ and look sorry for me.
Or, she’ll ask me about a historical event that I’m not learning about/awfully familiar with (I’m studying modern history, mainly empires from the 1800s onwards, and she’ll ask me some really specific questions about, like, Ancient Babylon or something lol) and when I say ‘oh that’s not what I’m studying, I’m not too sure about that!’ she’ll have that same look on her face — as if she feels bad for me and thinks I’m the dumbest jerk on earth.
It’s difficult to put across how she makes me feel and why I’m so uncomfortable with her speaking to me like this. She’s mean and condescending and makes me feel stupid, and doesn’t even seem to realize it.
Context aside. Last weekend, my uncle who lives in the US came to visit us in the UK. It was very exciting because we haven’t seen him in years. We (uncle, aunt, mum, and I) ate dinner and gathered in the living room afterward when my aunt decided it was high time she humiliated me.
She made a mean-spirited comment about how I’d eaten way too much and told me to get up, and tried to make me start doing jumping jacks/star jumps. When I just stared at her in disbelief, she sighed and started demonstrating how to do jumping jacks, and said ‘this is how.
Now you go!’ as if I’m just an idiot who can’t do jumping jacks. Mum and uncle were staring and it was humiliating. I just left the room, went up to my room, and cried. Of course, she followed me and barged into my room and I just lost my mind and yelled at her to ‘get lost and leave me alone’.
I’m being pressured to apologize and I don’t want to. Maybe I overreacted but this is far from the first time she has made me feel low and pathetic in so many ways.
But if someone can explain to me why I’m in the wrong, I’ll apologize. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it is time to return the favor. Whenever she’s full, say ‘old and frail women need more nutrients, you better eat up’.
Start helping her with any physical thing she does even if she doesn’t ask and say ‘a woman your age doesn’t have the strength to do insert activity here, let me do that for you.’ Start asking her completely obscure questions that only you would know, and when she doesn’t know, say ‘I thought you were smarter, it would be good for you to read more.’ Pick apart everything she does and treat her the same as you.
I’m sorry you got a trashy family with no one to stand up for you. Hopefully, you can use any of this to knock your aunt down a few pegs.” ForwardReport3145
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please start responding to her with clever answers. Next time she comments on your weight say something like ‘you needn’t worry, I’m still quite young and have a fast metabolism but perhaps you should take your own advice as you’re getting up in age, or you’re not getting younger and it shows.’
Next time she makes a comment or asks a question about something you specifically don’t know throw it back to her. Say ‘No, I don’t know about it! Tell me about XYZ!
Mum, everyone, look aunt is going to tell us about XYZ!’
Turn everything she says or asks you back on her. Remember, everything that she is criticizing about you are actually insecurities she feels about herself.
She’s projecting. She feels insecure around you and therefore puts you down. Use this information and anything you know about her against her. People like this (bullies) can’t stand it. That’s why she wants an apology.
Not because you were wrong but because you stood up for yourself.” Foreverforgettable
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – But realize you have all the power in this, all you have to do is utilize it.
Learn some interesting unique facts or words, then when she acts up, quiz her on them, or be patronizing when she does dumb things like the jumping jacks, lean into it, ACT like you don’t understand her, and have her show you, then critique her performance.
The trick is she thinks she has your weaknesses and is exploiting them to boost her self-esteem, turn it back on her and she will either learn to not bully you, or cry to your mom about you being disrespectful (which is the likely scenario).
Your aunt isn’t worth getting worked up over, she has shown she lacks the intelligence or maturity to compete against you so she is attempting to trip you up to make herself feel good.
There is an old Aesop fable about the king of the jungle, the lion, walking through the forest and all the animals bow as he passes, all of a sudden he hears a rude noise behind him so he turns to teach the animal a lesson, but when he sees it is a donkey, he decides it’s not worth lowering himself to the donkey’s level… moral of the story, don’t let crappy people get to you, only let those you respect lift you up or bring you down.” Punkboyleech
2. AITJ For Not Bringing My Kids To Their Father's Funeral?
“When my children were 4 & 6, their father and I divorced. He moved and for about 2 years had limited online contact with them until it eventually came to an end. The lack of contact was his decision, I never stopped him from seeing them, he didn’t want to.
He never paid child support. No gifts, no asking after them. He was in zero contact.
Children are at high school now. He recently passed away. His health wasn’t great, in part brought about by his lifestyle choices.
I’m still in close contact with his parents and they have asked for the children to go to the funeral. I have said no. This man was a stranger to them. They have a person in their life that has had the role of dad for more years than my husband was their dad.
His parents are upset with me and say that the children should come and pay their last respects.
My argument is that he didn’t have enough respect for them in life to have anything to do with them so why should they go to his funeral?
Making the conversation and emotions around their biological dad being gone even more complex. I do not think it will serve them any purpose.
So AITJ?
Making an edit to clarify the ages: my children are 11 & almost 13.
Update: my husband and I have spoken with the children. We spoke openly and honestly with them, and without influence. The youngest, as I suspected, is completely indifferent. Not bothered and doesn’t want to attend the funeral. Did express concern for grandparents though which was nice.
The older is sad that he has passed away and is considering their options. I have said I will support any decision they make and suggested they talk it through with the therapist they are currently seeing about a different issue.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Even if your kids aren’t 14+ (what I think of when I think of high schoolers) they’re still old enough to make a decision on this. Their jerk dad is not around now, so whether they go or not is not doing him any favors at this point.
But it might give your kids some closure because I can’t imagine having a dad like that is FUN. The Grandparents are being irrational about it because their son passed away and they’re understandably upset, but if your kids do not want to go, they need to drop it.
This is a situation where you need to explain what’s going on to your kids, even though it will be hard, and stick by their decision. You can tell why you do not want them to go, but let them know you will support them and go with them if they want to go.
Don’t let them interact with anyone at the funeral if you do go, because they’re a bunch of strangers with garbage taste in friends.
I know their dad does not deserve your babies’ time of day, but your kids deserve to not grow up with regrets.
They deserve to make the choice themselves.” CeramicCephalopod
Another User Comments:
“YTJ on the principle. As your children mature and grow curious about their biology and birth father etc. when they comprehend his passing and come to understand they may be disappointed in themselves by deciding not to go or resentful to you for not taking them to have some closure.
It’s very sad that he has not wanted to be a part of their lives but who knows what was going on behind the scenes. Many men are unable to cope with emotions especially the feeling of loss.
If he longed for you and missed his kids with an untreated mental health illness or without counseling or guidance he could be having difficulty with not feeling sad or depressed every time he contacts you or the kids.
As long as he was not an abusive person outright, encourage your kids to have some closure.” Lucky_Tough8823
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ for not forcing them to go, but I do think given their ages they have a right to have a say in the matter.
Leave it up to them and then tell your former in-laws THEIR decision. If they do not want to go and the in-laws are mad still, I would simply tell them they should have cared more about encouraging a relationship while he was alive versus getting hung up over them not feeling enough of a bond now to attend.
Not saying it’s their fault things are the way they are, but I also think it’s ridiculous they care so much NOW when he’s gone when any effort or outrage should have been directed (towards him and not you) while he was alive.
If you feel that is too insensitive to point out (fair enough, maybe I’m just a jerk), then just leave it at letting it be the kid’s decision and doubling down on not forcing them to the in-laws if they are still angry.” MainEgg320
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – to be honest, this wasn’t your decision to make. He’s their dad – not just your trashy ex-husband. I understand he wasn’t involved but your children are high school age.
They should have been asked if they wanted to go, and you’d understand whatever they decide. This absolutely could cause resentment from them towards you. It does not matter he was a terrible dad, he was there at some point – they may need the closure.
It wasn’t for you to decide – if they were 4 & 6 sure that would be understandable but you also may have just ripped away the closure one or both may need. It’s not about what you think in this situation.
Treat your kids like people and allow them to make a once-in-a-lifetime decision.” Cookies_2
1. AITJ For Kicking My Ex And Her Partner Out?
“My kid’s mother and I were broken up. She was living with her new partner. He went to jail, so she was in a situation where she had nowhere else to go and ended up staying here in my spare bedroom.
When he came home from jail she continued to stay here, but she still goes to see him on the weekends, etc.
She comes & goes & talks to him on the phone all the time blatantly in front of me… I tell her I don’t like any of it and I want her to move out.
We had broken up but I never fully moved on, so now seeing her come and go and boo love on the phone bothers me a lot. I ask her to leave and she doesn’t.
This has been going on for about 6 months now.
The other night her partner was outside working on her car. She texts me that he is going to come up to take a shower because he had oil all over.
I said no, nobody is taking a shower in here. I and this guy don’t have a huge problem with each other but we’re not friends either. The only bathroom is also in her bedroom and I do not want them hooking up in my house.
Them being in her room would’ve made me uncomfortable, so I told her no and she responds ‘Cool’. Our son was not here during this time.
20 minutes later they both come walking up the apartment steps.
I said ‘what are you guys doing’… she says ohh we need to grab some stuff. So I remain calm and figure I’ll give em a couple of minutes. 5 minutes go by and I peek out there and see through her cracked door that she is in there getting changed in front of him.
I yelled that both of them need to get out. They left pretty quickly then but not without her screaming at me and putting her hands on me, and screaming at me if she wanted to hook up with him there then she will do that.
She is literally the type of woman who will test how far she could’ve gone in this situation until she is back there sleeping with him.
She goes off in text messages telling me that I acted like a piece of work & yea she lives in my house but I am not her father and I am an embarrassment to her, etc.
Am I the jerk for feeling disrespected? I am the only one on the lease. I pay all the bills, though she did give me $200 towards rent the past month. I allowed her to stay here temporarily and now I’m in a situation where I feel disrespected constantly and she will not leave.
And now she’s at the point of bringing her partners inside of here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your house your rules. If she’s not a renter and has no rental agreement then call the police on her.
She doesn’t sound very stable and you might want to consider filing for full custody if you’re kids are underage. It sucks wanting someone that doesn’t reciprocate the feeling but that’s not a reason to let yourself be taken advantage of and will likely make you bitter and a worse person in the long run.” sandyeggocrunch
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and sadly she is a lawful tenant now, and in the US at least has a presumed right to ‘quiet enjoyment’ of the room you let her stay in.
Now what you maybe can do is get a formal custody agreement concerning the kid, and get a clause in there that she can’t have unrelated adults in the house. Of course, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and if you haven’t been paying child support it could cost you if you aren’t the custodial parent.” pawsplay36
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I suggest that you find another apartment to rent and break your lease. You need to move out and leave her there. I’m pretty sure she will leave on her own if you move.
I know it’s not easy to find affordable housing and it’s not the landlord’s fault that you let her stay with you, but you need to escape her and go low contact.
The eviction process could take months, assuming you can even get it started. Do not let her know where you moved to. Make all exchanges with your kids happen at a public place, preferably at a police station.” Nola218
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You only allowed her to move in because you wanted to be the ‘good guy’ and her knight in shining armor that rescued her from being homeless… with hopes of yall getting back together.
Now that you see that’s not going to happen you’re jealous and bitter. No, you don’t have to house her if you don’t want to, but it still makes you a jerk for how you tried to manipulate her.” LadyDes91
