People Like The Attention They Get In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
21. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Freeloading Aunt's Meal At My Sister's Celebration?
“I’ll start by saying that I have an aunt on my dad’s side of the family, she’s 50 and has 5 kids ranging from 20 to 12.
She’s always been known to be a freeloader and taken advantage of situations and people. One time my dad and I were planning on going to the drive-in, and my dad stupidly told her.
She asked if her kids could be included too. I felt angry because this happened every time my dad and I had something fun planned just for us. I’m hoping that you get the idea with what I’ve given you so far.
But anyway…
Last week I wanted to celebrate my little sister getting her driver’s permit and I invited all of our family to Olive Garden (by that I mean all of us who live in the same home). I told everyone to clear their schedules for Friday afternoon because I didn’t want anyone to feel left out.
Well, that’s where I messed up because my dad told my aunt and told her she could tag along without telling me!!!
We showed up at Olive Garden at around 4:30 pm and I asked for a table for 5 (Me, My dad, my two sisters, and my grandpa) but my dad said that if they could make it a table for 12, I asked why and that’s when he told me.
I was angry, especially because my aunt and my little sister have history but I didn’t think much of it because I wasn’t expecting what was coming up.
We’re seated and around 30 minutes later she shows up with all her kids. We eventually ordered and she kept ordering expensive dishes and lots of drinks.
I was kind of in awe… considering she lives off of food stamps (which I don’t shame anyone who does) but she kept ordering like she was Scrooge McDuck on just another Tuesday. The bill eventually comes up and I ask for it to be split.
She says in such a grating voice “what do you mean split bill???! I thought you were paying for us?”
That’s when it clicked… she only came for the free food.
I immediately glared at my dad, who started blaming me saying “Why would you offer to pay?
and then not follow through?”
Maybe because I wasn’t expecting to pay for another 6 people??!?.
I ended up asking the waitress how much it would be because I didn’t want to ruin the mood and my little sister’s accomplishment.
The bill came out to be about $557.87…
Excluding what my family (My dad, my two sisters, and my grandpa) ate, it would be about $243.68.
I outright refused to pay for her and her kids’ meals. I felt bad because two of them are still kids but I never invited her myself, let alone agreed to pay for her bill.
Now my dad is calling me a jerk because he had to pay for it with his credit card.
I don’t believe I did anything wrong but that’s the reason I’m here.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Your aunt is a jerk for trying to freeload off of you.
Your father is the jerk for inviting his sister without asking you first. Your father is a jerk for expecting you to pay the bill for this aunt. Your father is a jerk for getting mad at you for standing up for yourself and refusing to pay the bill for someone who was not invited and unwanted. So, your father is a triple jerk!
You are NTJ OP. Do not reimburse your father. Keep standing up for yourself!” AtTheEastPole
Another User Comments:
“Inviting other people to the outing you had planned without even asking is already not cool, to put it mildly. Inviting someone your little sister doesn’t like to the outing you had planned to celebrate her accomplishment is jerk behavior.
Expecting you to pay for 7 people you haven’t invited thereafter springing it on you at the last minute is outrageous. NTJ at all and good for you, for standing your ground. I would start establishing firm boundaries with your dad regarding your aunt starting from here.” Not_Dead_Yet_Samwell
Another User Comments:
“Wow reading this made my blood boil. Your dad is a massive jerk who has major boundary issues. And I would encourage you to put your foot down with him each time he pulls something like this since he is the one with the big mouth inviting her without checking with you first. He’s the one giving your entitled, freeloading aunt the idea that it’s okay for her to crash your family events while everybody else pays her way.
I would also explicitly make it clear to your aunt that she is not invited to your events. If she shows up, kick her out. Ignore her manipulation and tantrums. Do not give in. Any other family members besides your dad giving you blowback can host her and pay for her themselves.
You are NTJ by any stretch of the imagination!” GOTisnotover77
20. AITJ For Inviting My Plus-Sized Friend to My Uncle's Small Hotel in Greece?
“I (21F) am a university student in the US. My inner circle of friends have decided that we want to take a trip for our spring break as it is our last year of university and we’ll all be moving away from each other come May.
A part of my family is Greek and my uncle owns a small hotel near Athens (only 3 stories, very small rooms, more budget-friendly style of traveling). Anyone who has been to smaller hotels throughout parts of Europe would know what I’m talking about, but I do not know the immediate English translation for it.
So, I spoke with my uncle who graciously invited my friends and me to come to Athens and stay for the week without the expense of staying, just having to pay for our flights/activities.
Initially, this was just me and 3 other girls who I invited and we all were very excited and already booked tickets in the summertime.
But in the past 3 months, we have become friends with 2 other girls who have slowly joined our group and I extended the invite to them, one being Harper (22F). At first, Harper was excited to come and liked the thought of not paying for the hotel, but when I showed her pictures of my uncle’s hotel, she became very passive-aggressive with me.
In these kinds of hotels, the only way to get to rooms is lots and lots of stairs. Even the location of the hotel is very hilly so lots of walking is required. The elevator is a very classic European elevator where one standard-sized person will fit, but they are mainly used for just luggage.
Harper is plus-sized and has chronic pains so she said she would not be able to take the stairs since she cannot fit in the elevator.
I found out from my other friend later that Harper was talking behind my back calling me names and saying I’m only inviting her to let her be humiliated and how inconsiderate I am for planning a trip with poor accommodations.
Immediately I called her to ask why she said this about me and she blamed my uncle’s business because the hotel not being accessible is a form of fatphobia and ableism. I tried to explain that many of these kinds of hotels are very old architecture and standard in European travel, especially in Greece.
Then she went on to say that I shouldn’t be defending such a “disgusting culture if that is the standard”. I honestly do not know how to proceed, and I think maybe there is a cultural misunderstanding. Some of my friends are saying to just apologize but disinvite her altogether if she is taking such issue with it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend is being ridiculous. Your uncle made a very kind offer to you and your friends – including Harper. The hotel does not meet her needs and she declined – but it is ridiculous to try to assign evil motives to you.
There are places in Europe that are hundreds of years old – built long before the idea of accessibility came along.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“Don’t you just hate when the architects and town builders of the past show how fatphobic they were? I mean, who even knew how modern they could be in their thinking?
I hate when Americans act so entitled and forget that the world doesn’t revolve around them. Please know, we aren’t all like that. Don’t allow her in your travel groups. NTJ.” Snickerdoodle2021
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. Your friend is entitled and it wouldn’t be mean of you to disinvite her from the trip or your friend group.
This isn’t about her weight, this is about her attitude, so do yourself a kindness and remove this toxicity now before it grows even more annoying & problematic.” BellaSquared
19. AITJ For Speaking Sternly To An Unsupervised Child Playing With A Laser In A Bar?
“The other day my wife (32F) and I (32M) took our son (1M) with us to a local pub with a beer garden after she got off work to enjoy the fall weather.
Inside the bar, there’s a kid (M, ~10-12) sitting by himself at a table, messing with what appears to be a laser level, projecting bright horizontal lines across the room. While waiting in line to order, he starts getting careless (or ornery, not sure which), the laser starts going onto us, and my wife politely asks him to stop.
He sighs, and rolls his eyes, but ultimately stops.
Ten minutes later, we’re sitting outside, and I notice the green laser line hitting the wall of the patio, unfortunately right near eye level of my son sitting in the stroller. I look through the window inside, and sure enough, the kid is pointing it directly out at us.
Disgruntled, I walk inside, go right up to the kid, and say, quite sternly but *not* yelling, “You’re pointing the laser near my baby’s eyes, you need to stop it, now.” I wasn’t polite, but I wanted him to get that he was doing something dangerous.
He responds, a bit flustered, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know!” and I walk away.
At that point, his mom (F40s), unbeknownst to me sitting about ten feet away at the bar drinking with friends, says in an annoyed tone “Um sir, it wasn’t on purpose!” Not wanting to get into it, I don’t say anything and just walk out (I was already at the door by the time she said this).
About 20 minutes later, the mom came out and started tearing into me about my inappropriate tone, and then my wife, who she recognizes as a local teacher, said that I/we should know better than to talk to someone else’s child that way, that I’m a brute for trying to intimidate a child (not my intent, but okay), and that I should have figured out who the parent was and talked to her instead, because why would a child be at a bar alone?
I told her we’d already spoken once to him politely, and that I had no idea she was his mom because he was sitting alone. She then started yelling about how I had no right to act that way, that she and everyone else in the bar (literally just her friends and maybe the bartender, as it wasn’t busy) were appalled. I pointed out that she had no idea we’d warned him once or that he was even pointing the laser at people in the first place, but I also apologized if I made her son feel scared/threatened. This isn’t good enough, she continues yelling “That’s no way to treat or talk to someone else’s child!” until I finally yell back.
So, AITJ for talking severely to an unsupervised child who was doing something dangerous? Or is she right that there’s no circumstance in which one can speak sternly with someone else’s kid about their unsafe behavior?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The mom left her kid with nothing to entertain himself with but a laser pointer.
I don’t even really blame the kid because he was probably bored as all got out and might not have known that it was dangerous. But, what were you supposed to do? There was no way of knowing who the mother was and she could have done something about it when your wife asked him to stop the first time.” Comfortable_Stop_717
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I hate parents like her. She brings her son to a bar while she drinks with her friends, sits him at a separate table, and then doesn’t watch what he’s doing. Mother of the year over there (and I’m a mom so I get how hard it can be).
Like you said, you politely addressed him once. When he shined it in your baby’s eyes, you had every right to go talk to him more sternly. If people don’t want their kids to be talked to by strangers they’re bothering, they need to do their jobs as parents.” friendlily
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t understand this modern idea that no other adult can be anything but incredibly gentle and kind to a kid, besides their parents. If a kid is misbehaving and the parent is nowhere to be seen, or not apparent, I don’t see what’s wrong with speaking to them in a firm tone and telling them to stop.
The other, slightly petty perhaps, alternative is to walk up to the child and very loudly ask “Where are your parents? I need to speak to them about your behavior”. Which does the dual job of letting the kid know they’ve done something bad and shaming the parent.” TropheyHorse
18. AITJ For Asking My FIL To Return His Key After He Kept Entering Our House Unannounced?
“Myself (31f) and my husband (33m) recently moved to a house within a ten-minute drive of his parents. Initially, I was happy about this, because I’ve always had a great relationship with them.
My husband and I both have keys to their house, and they have keys to ours.
Recently though, I’ve started taking serious issue with the habit my FIL has of letting himself into our home without warning. It started when he would come over frequently to help us put things up in our house.
While I’ve always been incredibly grateful for his help, I don’t like that he never lets us know when he’s coming or even which day (despite express requests for him to let us know). One weekend when my husband and I went away, my FIL went over to our house without permission or any prior discussion to work on our garden.
It just feels rude, and makes for awkward situations. So far he’s entered our house when my husband and I have still been in bed, when I’ve just got out of the shower in a towel, or when we’ve got other plans. There have been times I’ve walked into a room thinking the noise within is my husband, and it’s my FIL.
He never seemed to acknowledge any fault in what he was doing either.
Naturally all this was very frustrating and upsetting to me, and I spoke to my husband. To start with he thought I was overreacting because I don’t think any of it had actually bothered him yet.
Of course when it started to he suddenly understood my point of view, and said several times he’d get his dad alone and talk to him. That’s apparently because his dad can be easily offended and my husband still wants his help around the house.
My reply was basically that I’d welcome his help and don’t want to offend him, but he’s overstepping our boundaries and I’m getting tired of not feeling like I can relax in my house in case someone bursts in.
The last straw came the other day.
I was home alone and my husband texted to ask if his father could come over to grab his work boots from our garden. He wouldn’t need to come in or anything. Before I even had a chance to respond to that, my FIL came into the house.
He hadn’t even bothered to wait until he’d been given permission, let alone respected my opinion on the matter.
I politely but firmly told my FIL how I was feeling, and mentioned that if this continued, I’d feel uncomfortable with him having a key to our house and would like him to give it back.
He instantly became very sullen and nonverbal, put his key on the side table and left.
My husband thinks I’ve handled this wrongly by overreacting, particularly since his dad has told him he won’t come round anymore, but frankly I was at the end of my tether with this situation and handled it as best I could at the time.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – He thinks you handled it poorly while he dragged his feet not handling it at all. He was provided many opportunities to address this and did not….he is the jerk. Oddly, he ‘wants to keep good relations so you both can benefit from your FIL’s free labor….yikes.
He’s motivated to get what he can for free instead of building a healthy relationship living so close to one another. It is creepy to be in your home and the door becomes unlocked without you knowing who or what is occurring. Yes, you reached the end of your patience and in the moment addressed it; unlike your husband.” DesertSong-LaLa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You can’t ever fully relax Your FIL doesn’t respect your privacy or that it’s your home and garden Absolutely take that key from him. He can pop round when he arranges it with you. He’s been asked… he’s been told … not listened?..
now he can’t have a key! Simple.” JSJ34
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You were calm and said it respectfully. It’s his dad’s problem if he’s gonna be sullen and act like a child about it. Honestly, I personally wouldn’t ask him to help around anymore.
If he takes back his help like that just because you don’t agree with him barging into your house whenever he wants, then you don’t need his help. I hate it when people do that.” Gumgums66
17. AITJ For Not Visiting My Friends During My Short Military Leave?
“I (24/f but 18 at the time of this) had just finished boot camp and was given 10 days of leave to come home and rest before I went back to MCT for another month-long training stint.
When I was home I made sure to text my friend group (Alex (m) and Marie (f) for ease) that we should meet at some point, but my schedule was pretty tight due to having to get ready to leave again in a week. I told them the best way to see me would be to come to me instead of me having to travel all the way to them.
In the end, they weren’t willing to come see me and I wasn’t able to go to them due to family visits and packing.
I leave and head to MCT and I notice an immediate change in the dynamic. They’re texting less and seem to leave me on read a lot more—we usually are pretty active in the group chat.
Then, out of nowhere, both of them started attacking me and saying I was an awful friend who treated them horribly for not seeing them! I was honestly dumbfounded because I tried to see them. Alex and Marie said I should’ve tried harder and should’ve just came to them instead of them traveling to me.
I didn’t think it was a big deal anyways considering we were already apart for 3 months, so another month seemed like an easy bag. I also had the mindset of, “Hey, I just went through 3 months of boot camp with little sleep and traveled across the country only to have to go right back in a week.” So I wasn’t in a traveling mood to begin with.
I got pretty defensive and, honestly, was kinda mean to them (nothing awful but definitely could’ve been more professional), so some of their anger is justified I guess.
In the end, the both of them dropped me that day. Said they never wanted to be my friend again.
Problem is, Alex and Marie were two of my closest friends through high school and at work. Not a day went by that I didn’t regret that conversation.
Fast forward a few years and I’m on deployment. I wanted to fix some of my old friendships that either drifted away or was ruined. So I texted Alex saying, “Hey, it’s Hallie.
I’ve been doing some thinking about the day we parted ways as friends and I wanted to say I regret how it ended. It shouldn’t have gone down like that and I regret that conversation nearly every day. If you are willing, I’d love to try and repair the friendship we had.
But if not, I respect that.” He simply replied, “No thanks. You really hurt me that day and I can’t forgive you.”
Again, I was dumbfounded. I didn’t reply, but it still haunts me to this day. Was I the jerk in this situation? I thought it was a reasonable request initially, but should I have made a better effort to keep my friends?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It sucks sometimes but friendships fade. You told them how to see you after what I imagine was a grueling three months, and weren’t able to accommodate that. That shows you how little thought they had for you, and how little they cared about you.
You sound like you’d be better off without them, to be perfectly honest. They got bent out of shape you wouldn’t/couldn’t make the effort to see them one time, and that justifies ending a friendship? Forget that, you can do better.” No-Personality-3344
Another User Comments:
“Ntj. Thank you for your service. As a military veteran, I can say this happens a lot. People are selfish. They want what they want the way they want. You gave them options they were too lazy or it was too much trouble for them to come to you so of course it’s your fault.
Nah. You did right by spending as much time with the fam as you could. Real friends will drop almost anything for each other. You told them you couldn’t do it and what would work best they chose not to do it. It’s on them.” Cooterhawk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. We stopped going on leave because it cost us a lot, all our leave time and all anybody expected was for us to just continue driving around all of creation to go see them. It was the worst and we hated every minute of it.
When we did visit home, we’d put out a general “we’re here x to y day” and if people cared they’d swing by. I’ve already spent thousands and flown thousands of miles you can drive 15 minutes. But, it’s a thing. When you’re the one to “leave” you end up being the odd one out.” Evilbadscary
16. AITJ For Not Inviting My MIL to Spend Holidays With My Terminally Ill Mother?
“My husband (35m) and I (35f) have Thanksgiving and Xmas with our sons (3yr and 7mo) at my parents. We only live 1 hour away so it is easy to celebrate with them. Since we’ve been married, my MIL has also been included at these holidays held at my parent’s.
Both of our families live in the same town so it makes it easy for all of us to get together.
Two months ago my mom was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive stage 4 cancer. The doctors estimate that with treatment she has about 1 year to live.
We are devastated by this news and worried this may be the last holiday she will be with us.
This year during the holidays, my mom will be going through chemo and mentioned that she just wants a small Thanksgiving and Xmas with our immediate family (me, my husband, my sons, my dad, three sisters and niece).
I don’t think this is much to ask considering the circumstances.
When speaking about this to my husband, he got angry, saying my mother has always excluded MIL. I asked why he thinks this, seeing that every holiday since we’ve been married, and a few prior, my MIL has always been invited to our family’s Thanksgiving and Xmas.
He then brought up that when my mom asks us to come to visit her, she doesn’t always let MIL tag along under the reasoning of “wanting to spend time with us alone”. A reason I certainly understand because when my MIL is there, she monopolizes the conversation.
My husband said that he invites MIL every time we go to my mom’s because MIL “doesn’t get to see us”.
Background of our 2 moms. My mom has always tried to come visit us at our home and often asks us to visit them.
She stayed with us for almost 6 weeks during the birth of our second son to help. My husband had PPD and having my mother there took some of the weight off of both of us so we could bond with our new baby. MIL, on the other hand, has never made an effort to come see us or ask us to come see her since we have been married (6 years).
My husband’s excuse for this behavior is that she has an “unreliable car”. An issue that only arose in the past year. MIL did not call/text me when my second son was born and didn’t come see us to meet him. In the 7 months since he’s been born, she has only seen him once.
When finding out about my mom’s cancer, she neither called or texted me OR my mom to see how we are doing. In the past when she would come over to my mom’s house to see us, she made little to no effort to play with our older son and just sits and talks to my mom or my husband.
With all that said, am I the jerk for not inviting my MIL to the holidays to spend possibly my mom’s last holiday with her and my family?”
Another User Comments:
“First, I’m so sorry. I know this is a very difficult time. Second – NTJ.
Your husband isn’t being reasonable, your mother is literally dying. Is your husband saying the wishes of a dying woman shouldn’t be honored? In HER OWN HOME? That said, you might consider spending more time with her (sounds like she’s on her own?) separately from your family, but for the moment it is more than understandable that you would want to spend as much time with your mother as you can.
Your MIL will have years of seeing you all but your mother only has a short time left – your husband must be made to understand this. You are NTJ for prioritizing your dying mother over your whiny MIL and her son.” IamIrene
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I cannot believe your husband is putting this extra pressure/stress on you right now, when you’re dealing with your mother’s cancer! He should understand you want quality time with your mom during this time. If he is so concerned about MIL, maybe he should offer to take the kids over to her house for dessert for Thanksgiving and bring her a plate, or take her out to dinner the night before/after.
There are literally so many opportunities for MIL to see husband and the kids since y’all live in the same city, your mom is just asking for this last holiday season for it to just be her side of the family.” Oogie-Boogie-6
Another User Comments:
” NTJ, but your husband is. Number one, your mom is very sick, and won’t be here much longer. And your husband is throwing a fit because for once your mom wants a low-profile holiday that will not put much stress on her body. I’m sure that she doesn’t want many people other than her personal close family to be there to see her so vulnerable.
Maybe an alternative is that he alone, can go be with his mommy while you and the children spend quality time with your mom. He is the one that is being selfish here.” Popular-Jaguar-3803
15. AITJ For Sending My Sister-In-Law's Stuff Back and Banning Her From My House?
“I F27 and my husband M27 got married a year back. We had been together for 10 years and most of his family knew about us. I went to his sister’s wedding because I was invited and it was a nice experience.
I have grown up to be very social and career-oriented and value education.
My husband is the same and that’s how we connected. My sister-in-law however has a different mindset. She got married at a very young age and chose to have a family (she has one daughter) and chose to not pursue a college degree, however, is a total brat and has always said yes to everything (for context, she had a 3 day wedding in Italy with 120 guests).
She doesn’t hate me but doesn’t love me either and the feelings are mutual. We just don’t connect.
We recently bought a new house and threw a housewarming for all his family and everyone loved the house. We have an extra guest bedroom, just in case.
His sister loved the house (which she said like 50 times) and said she would move some of her daughter’s stuff here (in the extra room) because we have too much space and she doesn’t want to carry it whenever she comes. We live in New York and she comes from New Mexico. I didn’t get the logic and politely declined and said we have a lot of guests coming now and then and do not have spare space for your daughter’s clothes or toys.
She wasn’t happy but I didn’t care.
It’s been 4 months since we bought the house and she’s come a total of 53 days (yes I counted!) Most of the time she comes unannounced and says “I was visiting someone or I was in the neighborhood”.
What kind of person would fly from New Mexico to New York to be in the neighborhood? Anyway, slowly I realized she had started putting up her pictures and redecorating our guest bedroom, and lost my cool. I told my husband and he said I’m overthinking and she’s just trying to be friends with me.
When she left last week, I packed a box of all her things which she very conveniently “forgets” in our guest bedroom, and shipped it to her place. She got very very angry and called me and started screaming at me. I told her to stop overreacting and stop considering our house as hers and that she was no longer welcome.
I told my husband everything and that I would not entertain her anymore. He agreed to what I said and told his sister that she needed to stop doing this or she was no longer welcome.
She called my in-laws and every person we knew and told them we were being jerks.
Our phones have been buzzing with texts and calls saying how inconsiderate we are and that what we did was wrong. I told everyone if you’re so interested, keep her in your house and stop bothering me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She loves the idea of NYC and is carving out your spare room as her own.
I have a spare room. TONS of my family use it (ironically my parents are living in New Mexico) but not my in-laws, my brother, or my parents – no one has left anything or changed anything in that room without us telling them to leave it!
IE I told my brother to leave a pair of swimming trunks in one of the drawers and dedicated it to him (who knows if we wanna hit the hot tub in December with a few beers on a Saturday night ?) I can tell you my wife would lose her mind and so would I if anyone just decided to leave things there or change decor.
If they offered and we liked it, fine, but to just do it on your own? Crazy behavior.” l_Berg_l
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She left behind a lot of things including pictures and thought that was fine. Plus she kept showing up unannounced from New Mexico which is not close.
Very weird behavior. You are right to tell any family members who are giving you a hard time that THEY are welcome to let her come rearrange their homes instead. This is a hill to die on.” Ilsabet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- she’s trying to slowly move in.
Dropping the hint about her daughter’s stuff, the fact she’s been in your house nearly two out of the four months you’ve been there, flying across the country for a visit, that’s not normal. She’s very clearly trying to insert herself so that eventually she can say “Well I have all my stuff here anyway and I’m always here so I might as well just move in!”.
Shipping her stuff back to her is amazing and your husband is either blind or doesn’t care about her silently moving in. I would also check and see what story she told your in-laws and other people. She may have exaggerated or lied to gain sympathy.” Probswearingsweats
14. AITJ For Wanting to Remove My Chronically Late Bridesmaid?
“I (29f) have a bridal party of four (29f, 29f, 29m, 29m). One of my bridesmaids (Y) is an extremely good (or so I thought) friend of 16 years. She tends to be late (30 mins to 2h, or perhaps sometimes even not show up) for almost everything (meals, school, outings, gatherings, etc.) so our mutual friends have all accepted her for the way she is, though we have teased and talked to her about it.
Recently, Y volunteered to accompany me to view some gown shops in preparation for my upcoming wedding. I accommodated her schedule and double-confirmed with her that she could make it on 21 Oct, 3 pm-4 pm, to view some gowns at a gown shop. She said yes and I went ahead to book an appointment a few weeks prior.
Earlier in the week before 21 Oct, I confirmed with her that she could make it and she again reassured me that she could. On 21 Oct itself, I texted her in the morning to confirm that she would be available but there was no response. I only got a call from her at 1.30 pm informing me that she could not make it as her partner was unwell/down with the flu and she needed to go to his house to take care of him.
She told me to enjoy the gown viewing and to send her photos of the gowns. I merely acknowledged her call and did not engage her any further. I was honestly very upset but not surprised by it all. To be honest, it doesn’t seem to me that her partner was so sick that it would necessitate her rushing down to take care of him when all I needed from her was 1h of her time.
I also specially arranged to have this viewing on 21 Oct as she was very keen on accompanying me. Till now, she has not checked in on me or sent me any follow-up messages. I think this shows how much she values our friendship.
(Backstory: I had a feeling at the back of my mind the day before the viewing that she might bail on me last minute so I asked my fiance to join me.
I very much wanted my worries to be unfounded but it turns out that I made the right decision to ask him to join me if not I’d have been all alone. I didn’t ask the rest of the bridal party to join on 21 Oct as I had specially carved out a date for Y since she has been actively asking to join me in this whole process.)
WIBTJ if I remove her from my bridal party? I fear that I might be too petty in this whole situation. I am upset with her but neither do I want to spoil our 16-year friendship, nor remove her from the bridal party. But I am afraid that she may bail on me again on my actual day and that would be disastrous (and potentially really end our friendship!)!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Timeliness is a matter of respect. ESPECIALLY around milestone events, showing up when and where you are supposed to be the BARE minimum. She thinks her lateness is a personality quirk so expects people to go along with it, but she is just self-centered. Alternatively, she may have ADHD, but that late is usually not pathologic, it’s egotistical. Replace her now or you may be having two groomsmen and one bridesmaid walking down the aisle on your wedding day while she is banging on the doors to be let in.” ChaoticCapricorn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get Y is a friend but based on your post they’ve had this behavior for a long time with little to no consequence/direct comments to them about correcting it, so Y is either delusional of the problem or just doesn’t care.
If you’re concerned Y will “be the usual Y” on your wedding day then yes I think the safer option is to either give Y a non-critical task or downgrade to guest as other commenters have suggested. Either option will ensure no Y-related problems happen on the day of the wedding & maybe (just maybe) it might be the clue to Y that their friends are tired of Y’s antics.
It could also give you clarity on how Y views your friendship. If Y acknowledges their behavior & sincerely tries to fix it, then chances are good they value the friendships. If Y blows up & has an adult tantrum then they don’t & are only concerned about themselves.” Achieve
Another User Comments:
“Your friend pretty much demonstrated that she’s unreliable. Unless you want to risk her being late or missing in action for upcoming events, including your big day, it would be best to remove her from the wedding party. Just let her know you don’t want to burden her with the demands that come with being a bridesmaid and it would be best if she attended the wedding as a guest. How she accepts this news is up to her.
You wouldn’t be the jerk. Btw, congratulations.” GibsonGirl55
13. AITJ For Asking My Daughter's Friend's Mom To Pay For Cancelled Movie Ticket?
“My 10-year-old daughter has been friends with an 11-year-old girl for 8 years. They are on the same dance competition team.
Her mom and I have been friends since then.
We were going to the Taylor Swift movie and asked if her daughter was able to go. She confirmed her ticket. Four days before my daughter said “I’m excited for the movie this weekend,” to which she responded, “I’m not going because I have other plans.”
I texted mom, “Is it true (name) won’t be going with us to the movie?” She replied, “Yup! I thought she told (my daughter) that last week. Sorry about that!”
I responded: “I confirmed with you that she could go before we bought the tickets.
I do not think it’s appropriate that (your daughter) was to be the one to tell (my daughter). I would have preferred the parents to have that discussion. Because when (my daughter) told her tonight “I’m excited for Sunday” she was told she won’t be going because “I have other plans.” I will Venmo request $15 for the ticket.”
Her response: “I am not (my daughter) social manager and secretary. She needs to learn how to communicate effectively with her peers and is old enough to do so. I find it appropriate for kids that age to communicate with each other.
Secondly, when you asked me if she could go, she was free at that time.
Sometime later she received a birthday party invitation for that day at that exact time from a girl from school. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said it was an extremely hard decision and needed to think about it. The next day she told me she decided to go to the party because she didn’t know the girls from school well and thought it would be a good time to get to know them better.
I also distinctly remember Brooke not coming to (her daughter) birthday party simply because “She finds Lorelei annoying” so I think it’s fair to say that that was bad also but we didn’t pitch a fit, we just gave (my daughter) grace and rolled with it, despite (her daughter) being understandably upset.”
My final response: “I never said those words. I don’t appreciate you taking any of my words and arranging them to suit this conversation. And telling YOU that (my daughter) wasn’t feeling the friendship at that moment in time is in no way the same as dipping out on a commitment.
(My daughter) didn’t say she would go and then *renege* and tell (your daughter) “I have other plans” or even, by your comparison in this conversation, “I find you annoying.” (My daughter) simply decided to not go. Those are two different situations and outcomes.
I discussed her birthday with you because while I am not (my daughter’s) secretary either, I don’t expect her to tell (your daughter) why she didn’t want to go. I hope you didn’t tell (your daughter) the reason, either what I said or your above translation.
I also did so as a friend. If that was incorrect, I’m open to hearing that.”
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I would just take the 15$ loss and call it “Good riddance”. Also that other mom is entirely the jerk. “I am not (my daughter’s) social manager and secretary.
She needs to learn how to communicate effectively with her peers and is old enough to do so.” … your daughter is 10. Yes, you are both her social manager and secretary.” stealing
Another User Comments:
“Just forget it. This is payback for the horrible way you and your daughter acted over the little girl’s birthday party.
That was an awful thing to say and it was not nice of your daughter to treat her friend like that. Instead of telling the mother it was because your daughter found her daughter annoying or whatever you said, you should have taught your daughter that you respect people who were good enough to befriend you, and while some of those friendships will end, you still treat them with respect.
As a mom, you should have told her that she made plans and she was going. Also, saying that you told the mom “out of friendship” was the icing on the cake (pun intended). That was a real piece of work. You got outplayed. Both should stop it now.” Murky_Indication_442
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If you invite someone to a movie and expect them to pay, you tell them at the time of the invite and send them the Venmo request immediately after you buy the tickets. In this case, it sounds like you set it up as a “free” invite to a movie but then when she canceled you decided to charge her.
If it was free to join it should be free to cancel. Find someone else to take with you- problem solved. You blew this into something it didn’t need to be with your rambling text argument.” loesjedaisy
12. AITJ For Not Wanting My Husband To Go To The Gym After Dropping Our Kid At Daycare?
“I (31F) have a “traditional” job in that I have to go in to work every day. I work from 7-3:30 most days. This is a new job for me, and before this, I was a teacher. My husband (38M) in the last couple of years transitioned from food service to WFH tech sales.
While I’ve been happy that he’s been able to get away from a line of work that he hated, the transition had been volatile as he was laid off twice in the span of a year. All that to say financially, things have not been the best for us.
We’ve been able to get through this last stretch of unemployment (7 months) due to stretching our tax return, cashing out a retirement plan from my previous job, and assistance from my grandma. (I never asked her, but she would quietly send me funds every month and I am so thankful to her for it!)
So, we also have a toddler (2.5M). We’ve been fortunate to not have to put him into daycare yet since we’ve been able to care for him full-time between the two of us. Hubby in the last few weeks found another WFH job (yay!) and wanted to still be able to take care of the toddler, but as he’s gotten older and more adventurous, it has gotten increasingly difficult and we quickly realized that wasn’t feasible.
Hubby needed uninterrupted time to work, take meetings, etc. So I started hunting and I was able to find an awesome lady for $500 per month part-time.
So the plan was this: hubby dropped the toddler off at 8, came home, worked until 12:00, go pick up the toddler and brought him home, fed him lunch, and put him down for a nap.
Then when he wakes up from nap, I’m home from work and can take care of the toddler until hubby finishes up his day.
Hubby also likes to go to the gym. When he was unemployed he could pretty much go whenever he wanted. Now that our oldest (11M) is back in school and he found a job, that’s been more difficult.
He started waking up at 5 and going before the oldest left for school in the morning, but he had a hard time sticking to that. I have no problem with him going once I’m home from work, but he doesn’t like to go when it’s that busy.
So here is where I might be the jerk. We went on a walk last night, and he suggested that he would go to the gym after he dropped toddler off at daycare. Mind you, he just started daycare this week. And I got kind of irritated and pointed out the fact that we were paying for him to go to daycare so he could work, not get free time for himself to go to the gym.
If it were a one-off, I wouldn’t mind so much, but I can tell that he would do this regularly if I didn’t say something. Am I wrong for that?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- congrats to hubby for getting the new job. How about he focus on keeping that before making the gym a priority?
Does he want to go to the gym after dropping the kid off at 8? When would he start work, like 930? Most sales jobs have early daily stand-ups or meetings way before then. Or he should be already doing his job (prospecting, emails, etc) at this time, at least if he’s still in sales.
And…we’re wondering why he was “laid off” (or let go?) and then unemployed for 7 months. If the gym was that important he would be doing it at 5 am and not blowing it off. Look maybe I’m making assumptions here but it shouldn’t be up to you if he goes to the gym after 8 in the morning.
It should just be out of the question. Are you able to ask him about his actual work schedule/meetings?” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That time with the sitter is his uninterrupted work time. That’s the whole point of the sitter…not to give him free time to go to the gym.
Ideally, this wouldn’t be a problem, but with stretched resources, it’s a waste of funds because he has other options. If the gym is that important, he can try to wake up early, or simply go when it’s busier after you’re home.” Spare-Article-396
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – His schedule changed and he is exploring options to sustain a healthy routine and work; these are positive life goals. You view his idea from a different perspective. Continue talking through this since a work/family/life balance is something most people want.
You write feeling irritated by his proposal; perhaps you harbor resentment toward his length of unemployment, etc. Why not allow him to fit in the gym on a regular basis? Propose what you want such as an hour+ to yourself after work while he covers childcare.
Consider it an investment to have uninterrupted time to walk, talk with friends/family, watch a movie, yoga (class or at home). I have a close friend that takes a 2 to 3 hour weekly session prior to 2 PM to ride horses while her partner covers childcare.
She feels like a new person due to being supported. Being married and a parent is who you are but you are also a person with individual needs…what would your ‘me’ investment be!?” DesertSong-LaLa
11. AITJ For Backing Out Of A Joint Apartment Application With My 'Friends'?
“I’m a freshman in college and currently live in a dorm.
I have two friends, A and B, who asked me to apply to an apartment with them. Apartment, singular. No backups, not even willing to tour the place with me when I asked- but I’m easily pressured and they’re good at stopping me from saying no to things, so I agreed. They have a long history of ignoring me, ganging up on me, and forgetting I’m there.
Every time I finish seeing them I’m left feeling humiliated, and I’ve been building the courage to do this for weeks.
I applied with them because they told me the rent is gonna double ASAP, it’s the only good place, and we need to do it NOW!
They planned on living together and then asked me to join (because the rent is cheaper in a three-bed) but they’d otherwise live together. I spent two weeks after applying miserable, thinking of a way to ask them if I could leave.
I emailed the place respectfully, asking to please rescind my application and leave theirs intact, so they can add a third person to fill my spot easily.
They agreed, no issue. I sent them a text repeating this and that my parents refuse to let me sign anywhere before spring (completely true- this wouldn’t have worked out anyway). Neither give a response for TWO HOURS, then B responds saying that they can’t afford anywhere else and I’m making her look bad.
I completely understand not wanting to pay outside your budget- that’s why they can still live there and find a substitute for me since they have MONTHS to do so. Emphasis on them only applying to one place- what happens if they weren’t accepted for any other reason?
For context, both their parents are also paying their rent.
B says how she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to get housing, how I’ve screwed her over, how I didn’t consider their financial situation and feelings, and how I’m being inconsiderate.
I say how they’ve excluded, mocked, and pushed me for months, and if they really wanted me there they would have asked me from the start and gone on a tour with me. I say how I’m sick of being treated like a doormat and I can’t take it anymore.
B, instead of expressing any empathy or remorse, denies this, says she does the exact opposite, and that this is just miscommunication.
B says she wants to see me in person to talk this over sometime next week (it’s Wednesday, so she’s clearly not in a rush, and I assume A is coming too).
I feel like they’re doing this because they know I can’t defend myself from them both.
Please let me know if I’m in the wrong- this is my first time standing up and defending my own interests from people who mistreat my people-pleasing, and I want to know how I could’ve handled this better.
I know I shouldn’t have agreed in the first place, but what’s done is done and I won’t let myself be pressured again.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but are you sure these are your “friends”? I think that if you feel like you’re easily pressured and don’t enjoy conversing with them face-to-face then maybe bring a neutral friend to help moderate for you if you do meet them in person or just do things over text so you have more time to think.” sdcardbroken
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – and if they’re treating you like this now, they will be absolutely awful to live with! Proud of you for sticking up for yourself OP! I’m so glad this gave you the push you needed to cut these toxic girls out of your life and find better friends.” druidoom
10. AITJ For Leaving My Thesis Supervisor Mid-Term, Potentially Jeopardizing His Funding?
“Up until recently, I was a master’s student doing research under a tenured professor at the university where I did my undergraduate studies. I have been working with him for the last 18 months but our professional relationship deteriorated to the point where I jumped ship.
My main grievances:
We had a design problem and I devised an, admittedly crude, solution that solved the problem and had empirical data to back up this data. He responded, “Your solution is not at a graduate level, an undergraduate student could have come up with this solution.”
We had another design problem and I suggested talking to my second committee member (which he approved of) to help. He said not to because he wanted to keep his research secret (it was not a government project). We were stuck on this design problem for 2 months.
Over which he questioned my effort and asked why it was taking so long.
For a problem, I gave a potential answer based on the class I took with my second committee member. He shot it down and said, “Do it my way”. When we finally got a face-to-face meeting with my second committee member, he asked why on earth are we doing it my supervisor’s way and confirmed that my math was correct.
I once emailed him after a breakthrough in our project. His response? “Let’s talk about it when we meet this week and please stop emailing me so much”. I went through my sent folder and the last time I initiated an email chain was 3 weeks before, all of my other emails were responses to his questions.
At a certain point, I was so fed up so I started sending out resumes. I got an interview and a job sometime later. I soon gave my notice of withdrawal from the university which caught him off guard.
Here’s where I may be the jerk-
I know that my supervisor gets funding but the requirement is to have a graduate student assisting him. By leaving in the middle of the term, he does not have a chance to take in a new graduate student (intake is at the start of the next term) and he will not meet the December deadline and lose that portion of the grant funds.
I have refused to give him live tutorials on how to work my software solutions. I have given him a comprehensive readme document and knowing that he glosses over things and doesn’t read things carefully, he will struggle, which will set him back even further.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is micro-managing your research but at the same time too divorced from it to understand how it works. His professional rivalry is also getting in the way. He has been rude. If he did not understand these things would drive you away, then he is an idiot.
His project funding problem is of his own making. It is possible to drag someone else in mid-semester, but his range and quality of candidates will be lower. A smart person would learn from this experience. They would request (someone other than him) to give you an exit interview to clarify why you have abandoned your research.
But he won’t. Go live your life and forget about him. No longer your circus, not your monkey.” chrestomancy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He has rather clearly treated you very crappily and if he thinks so little of your solutions and work, I don’t think he should need your help to understand it.
There isn’t a great way for you to leave this kind of position, especially since I doubt he would ever want to have two graduate students, based on how he talks, so you would leave him in a lurch no matter when you left.” KramerMaker
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Many people in academia cannot be reasoned with, especially if they are in a position of power such as a tenured professor. They will most likely not change course even if a graduate student tries to express their concerns and grievances diplomatically.
This is a difficult situation and your solution – quitting and finding a new job – seems very reasonable. Unfortunately, your supervisor lost his grant funds. But, it is not your fault that someone else failed to anticipate the consequences of their condescending behavior. If the tables are turned, a professor (or an employer) wouldn’t think twice about sidelining you.” Electronic_Papaya500
9. AITJ For Asking My Husband to Address His Mother's Overbearing Behaviour?
“My husband and I just had our first child together after a couple of years of trying and dealing with infertility. Our son came early, a month and a half – we spent three weeks in the NICU and it was a very emotional time for me/us.
Fast forward and we are now home and getting used to everyday life with a baby. We have been getting visitors pretty often compared to what we’re used to, and his parents come every couple of days.
Lately, I have had extreme anxiety when they come over because his mother has been incredibly overbearing to the point where I feel insulted. Each time they visit, she is constantly staring and analyzing how I am taking care of my child and making comments on what I “should” be doing or what she would do.
Mind you, my husband was born in the 80s and she has not taken care of a baby since. This came to a head the other night when she flipped out on me for sitting my child up to burp him. She for some reason believes you can’t do that to a newborn, even though it’s exactly how they showed us in the NICU.
It would have been one thing if she had advice, but what she was saying made no sense, and how she said it to me was incredibly rude and condescending. She also went on to comment on how he was dressed (not enough layers), how he was being fed (because he was drooling) and kept calling him by his middle name (see below).
I’m not a confrontational person, so when they left I asked my husband to talk to her about: her behavior. My husband also did not stick up for me as any of this was happening. This quickly spiraled into an argument, which yes is partly my fault because I was so heated about my MIL, and he told me that I’m overreacting, constantly miserable around them and I should “get over it”.
Now he is saying that he wants to move out and raise our child separately.
I do want to add my husband and his parents are from a different country. They have lived in the US most of his life, but there are cultural barriers at times culturally.
Regardless, I’d like to know if I’m the jerk and overreacting – is this “just how in-laws are”?
Last add: while my husband’s reaction is extreme, other things I “complained” to him about my in-laws leading up to this: his mother telling me I gave birth “the easy way” (emergency c-section), his father for some reason feeling comfortable grilling me about feeding, his mother texting me two days after giving birth asking me not to name our child the name we DID end up choosing because she does not like it (now she refuses to call him by anything but his middle name), his parents questioning what I was doing that caused our son to come early..”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do not get a passport for your child. If he takes your baby you won’t see it again. Get a lawyer and if possible move out ASAP go to your Mum’s or any relative on your side of the family” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’m guessing other things are happening here if your husband escalated from this to a divorce. That said, his parents sound awful and you’re probably better off without him if this is how co-parenting with him will be. Make sure to document all this so you can use it in the inevitable custody dispute.” AnonMSme1
8. AITJ For Arguing With UPS Supervisor Over Package Delivery?
“So I live in a city, on a busy street.
I’ve lived here for a year and have always had my packages dropped off either at the front gate or hidden behind our mailbox near our front gate. But lately, all my packages have been delivered to a post office because the delivery driver determines it is not safe to leave them there.
So I either end up having to pay to pick it up from the post office every time or I have to call to reschedule the delivery.
So again today they said they could not deliver my package so I called UPS immediately and asked them to just leave it at my gate whenever they can come back because I am here and will pick it up.
UPS customer service gives me no problem and says they will make a note to drop it off the next day.
Then I get a random call from the UPS in my city and it is a lady yelling at me about how I don’t have a doorbell (I live in an in-law unit) and how they never leave packages on main streets because they can be stolen.
I let her know that I’ve lived here for a year that they have left packages where I requested and that I get notified when it is delivered so I come outside ASAP. She says “I don’t believe that because we don’t do that.” And I said, “Well I’ve lived here for a year and that’s what has happened.” She then starts saying “he is in the front now and you are not there, where are you?” So I go outside and nobody is there.
So I tell her that and she goes on about my doorbell and I say “Mhm mhm” and then she says “Well do you want your package or not?” And I say “What kind of question is that?” And she says she is trying to see where the delivery driver is.
I’m standing outside and I see him pull up while she’s going off about the delivery and I say to her “What’s your name?” She says her name. And I say “Well, (name), he’s here. And next time don’t be a jerk.” And I hang up.
AITJ for requesting this?? Like am I making it too difficult or is she just wrong? She could’ve worked something out with me, maybe they didn’t know that they could hide it behind my mailbox, I get the job is stressful but when she asked if I wanted my package or not I was like ok this is not right.
I got my package from the driver and he said she is the supervisor, so that makes me worried about future packages. So I contacted UPS to complain because I thought it was weird for her to call my number to yell instead of working something out.
I did get upset when the delivery guy came I was like “Michelle is a jerk.” I should’ve talked calmly to the driver but I was so upset. Idk AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think the way she spoke to you was great, from comments she got irate, that’s pretty odd from customer service at the end of the day why does your package matter to her so much I know quite a few people who think it’s fine if a delivery service leaves their parcel like that they claim they didn’t receive it (when they did) so it’d not surprise me if they are tightening up on it and you need evidence of it given to a person or left in a super secure place.” Ok-Penalty7568
Another User Comments:
“I’ve always found it odd that when I’m the customer, clerks and service personnel talk to me in ways that would have gotten me a write-up or fired when I was on the other side of the counter. Lately, our post office workers have gotten much worse at doing their jobs; maybe something is going on behind the scenes that we don’t know about.
In any case, you’re NTJ here. Oh, and my regards to the crabby jerk at the East 70th Street Post Office in Shreveport.” Flimsy-Wolverine-663
Another User Comments:
“ESH. The UPS woman for being rude, you for expecting them to leave the packets outside because they used to do so until now.
That’s bull maybe the previous driver left it there because he didn‘t care and he wanted to. Now possibly it’s a new driver and he doesn‘t want to do that. If you don’t have a ringbell, I for one in his place would take your packet to a post office daily, it’s your problem.
Leaving the packet outside cause you come out fast just won’t do, if that packet disappears by chance you call up and want reimbursement, so the driver will pay cuz he responds for that package.” m0veal0ngplease
7. AITJ For Defending My Husband and Marriage Against My Friend's Accusations?
“I know that from the outside, my marriage looks kinda dubious, at least the start of it does.
I (F36) met my husband (M45) when I was 21 and he was 31. He had just arrived in my country and started working as head chef at the restaurant where I was a waitress.
We flirted heavily and had some great conversations about things I couldn’t talk to my peers about, like religion used as a political tool, cultural differences across Europe, classical vs current literature, historical views on women’s and children’s rights, etc.
I made the first move. He hadn’t because he felt the age difference might be inappropriate. Once the ball got rolling he was all in though. We met in July 2009, and he proposed in October 2009. In April 2010 I got pregnant, and we got married in June 2010 (unrelated to the pregnancy).
As all couples do, we’ve had ups and downs. Ups are the two children we have. Downs mainly being discovering the brain tumor I have. It’s benign-ish, but messes with my hormones a lot, it gives me frequent migraines, I have memory issues, cognitive functions are sometimes messed up and I have an increased need for sleep.
On top of that, we also found out that I’m bipolar and I have PTSD. I am fully medicated and have been stable for many years now, and PTSD has minimal influence on our daily lives. I do stay at home though, and get disability due to the tumor.
To make up for me having a lower income, my husband works a lot. He changed careers and is now working in a very demanding field in another city which means that he’s staying at a hotel from Sunday to Thursday, working 12-13 hour shifts.
It’s tough without him here, but I manage. When he’s at home, we share household chores and childcare 50/50.
My friend’s husband is a jerk. He has been unfaithful to her multiple times in the 4 years they’ve been together, he does nothing around the house, and she rarely gets out because he refuses to do childcare.
She has left him many times but keeps going back for reasons unknown.
She does love to complain about him though, and is frustrated that I don’t complain about my husband. Last weekend, she kept digging into things, calling him a cradle robber, insinuating that he was grooming and abusing me because I was so young when we met, and because I’m disabled, but the last drop was her accusing him of being unfaithful to me when he’s away from home.
I lost it a bit and told her that just because her husband and her marriage suck, she doesn’t get to talk nonsense about mine to make herself feel better and that if she hates her marriage, she should just end it instead of using it as complaining material. Also, 14 years later is a bit late to be showing concern.
Then I left.
I’m pretty sure I crossed a line as she isn’t currently speaking to me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Some people just can’t bear to see others in a healthy and supportive relationship. Distance yourself from jealous and resentful people. Your husband sounds like a decent man.
Also: is a 10-year age gap seriously ‘cradle robbing’ territory? My parents are 14 years old, my mum was also 21 when she met my dad, they’re still together and happy. Maybe tell your ex-friend to focus less on age and more on whether the man is a total jerk next time.” pinkwireflag
Another User Comments:
“Your friend’s comments were out of line. She can talk nonsense about her husband but she can’t talk nonsense about other people’s husbands. That’s pretty much the rule imo. You don’t need to explain, defend, or even discuss your marriage with anyone.
Ever. It’s no one’s business. When people try to put you down to make themselves feel better you don’t need to argue with them because they don’t control your life … Just tell her “I didn’t ask for your opinion, I am not interested in discussing my marriage with you & I couldn’t care less what you think about my husband.
He’s my problem, not yours”. NTJ.” Alarming_Reply_6286
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – normal response (calling her on her nonsense) to an abnormal situation (your friend talking nonsense about your husband and marriage). You’ve been together for 10 years. Like, yeah, at the start I’m sure you got some looks and questions.
At your current age, no one would bat an eye. On top of that, it sounds like you guys have a good thing going. Is she your friend OP? And OP, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this really bad health stuff.” lurkqueensupreme
6. AITJ For Not Changing My Holiday Plans To Accommodate My Father's Last Minute Request?
“I (23M) finally proposed to my partner (now fiance, 21F). We are extremely happy and started planning for the wedding right away. Because we have been together for a while and because my parents live far away (we live in Indiana, she is from Michigan and I am from Maryland), we have a rotation of going to see my parents for Thanksgiving one year and then Christmas the next year together.
All 4 of us talked about possible dates to visit back in early September of 2023 and agreed upon arriving on the 20th of December and then arriving back in IN on the 24th. We both put in for our PTO and then (because this was our last big trip of the year), planned/used the rest of our PTO as it doesn’t carry over at either of our jobs.
My father texted me today (Oct. 19th) and said “Can you come two days later and leave two days later? Please look into it and let me know”. Luckily, we hadn’t bought plane tickets yet but still, because of our PTO time and other planning (who will watch our two dogs / other plans after coming back to IN), I told him that it didn’t look like it was possible.
He said that I always put them last and that I should enjoy Christmas with my soon-to-be in-laws (sarcastically) now that I wouldn’t be making it for Christmas. The only reason that the original dates did not work is because he did not want to drive us back to the airport on Christmas Eve…that is the only reason.
I told him that if he had let us know back when we were first discussing dates or even soon after, we might have been able to make it work but because of everything involved with the PTO side of things, we couldn’t (my fiance has to have her PTO in for Q4 by mid-September so we literally couldn’t change it even if we wanted to).
My parents were also supposed to help out with and finance our rehearsal dinner but because we did not like the option of caterer or food that they were choosing combined with this event, they said that they now will no longer be attending the rehearsal dinner and also will not be financing it.
The financing part is the least of my concerns as we are only expecting to have about 10 people at the dinner but I am mainly wondering if I’m the jerk as my dad is saying that the reason I won’t be seeing him and the reason that they are pulling out of the rehearsal dinner is that I am putting my fiance’s feelings before theirs (in regards to us not liking their food choices and her not being able to move her PTO around Christmas – A MAJOR HOLIDAY at any company).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It was okay for your parents to ask if you could change your dates, but their reaction after you said no makes them jerks. They’re acting manipulative and controlling any time they get told no. Give them one last opportunity for you to visit the original dates.
If they refuse, then make other plans. Make your plans for your wedding and rehearsal dinner. Invite your parents as guests, not co-hosts.” Teresa’s
Another User Comments:
“Your dad sounds kind of petty. As you grow your life with your family she should come first. Also, the dates you go back should work for you, not them.
As someone who has moved away and been away from home for about 10 years now. We go back when we can, not when my parents want us to. We try to accommodate… which you are anyway. So ya NTJ votes for me.” Ok_Research_8379
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father has found the perfect formula for driving you both away. It’s sad because due to his behavior, he’ll bring about exactly what he’s imagining and afraid of. Where is your mother in all this? Can she talk some sense into him?” NGDGUnpunished
5. AITJ For Asking My Unemployed Partner To Pay His Insurance With Funds I Gave Him?
“I (52f) have been with my partner for three years, living together for about 15 months. He has not worked the entire time and is trying to get disability through the VA for emotional issues. I currently work two jobs and make a decent income, but we recently moved from state to state, and I am still trying to catch up from the financial hole it drove me into.
Well, I got behind on my car payment. I received a notice that it was going to be repossessed next week unless I made a payment. One of my jobs pays me weekly, the other biweekly. This was the week that I got the smaller check, but figured I had enough to pay my car payment and his insurance along with the regular weekly stuff like groceries and gas.
Well, I forgot that the phone bill and cable bill were coming out automatically.
That left me with pretty much only enough for the car payment. A few weeks ago, my partner mentioned that he had been putting away some of the income. I had been sending him for groceries and gas and had a small “emergency cushion.” While I wasn’t thrilled that he had used the income, I had given him for another purpose, I understood that it probably gave him security and I didn’t make a big deal about it.
Fast forward to last night when I figured out that I’m not going to be able to pay the car payment and his insurance. I asked him if he would pay the insurance out of his cushion and if I would reimburse him the following week when I got paid from both jobs.
He immediately told me, no, that that was not what it was for. I lost it. I told him that I had never pushed him to get a job, and that it was the only time I had ever asked him to pay for something himself.
He told me That I was trying to shame him and being financially abusive.
I ended up borrowing income from my adult daughter to cover everything. He came to the bedroom about an hour after his, and sat down on the bed, but didn’t say anything.
I was still angry and told him so. He got up and left. He hasn’t talked to me all day. He stated that he came in last night because he realized he was wrong and was going to apologize but I didn’t give him a chance to so he decided that he wasn’t going to say anything because “nothing he said, was going to help.”
Today I’m starting to wonder if I was wrong. I could’ve asked my daughter first for the income but I hate doing that so I figured I would ask him to help me out just this once.”
Another User Comments:
“So let’s get it straight… You provide for yourself and that man, having two jobs and barely managing to pay bills.
You give him income and pay his insurance whatnot not. And he just…. Exists? And when you ask him to pay for smth he needs with income YOU gave him before… He makes a scene? Why do you need him, though?” Ok_Yesterday_6214
Another User Comments:
“Okay, I’m sorry, but are you sure THIS is your person? I would absolutely STOP giving him income for groceries, and whatever else….you don’t even recognize that he is gaslighting you. You’re a meal ticket to his inability to provide for himself. Oh, he was “going to apologize,” but it’s YOUR FAULT he didn’t?
Are you kidding me? You’re the jerk if you stay with that jerk. Seriously, he made you have to borrow the income from your daughter when he had it? Income that was yours to begin with? OMG I would have packed my stuff up and left just for that reason.” DLCMotroni
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but only because I’m having to bite my tongue to not be judgmental. Oh so judgmental. This might have been a good time to put the monkey on the back of the person it belongs to. “BF, I don’t have enough income to pay your car insurance this month and it’s going to lapse if you can’t figure something out.” btw, he could sell the car, park it and not drive it, hit up a relative of his for a loan or use his saved up income you had given him.” lonnielee3
4. AITJ For Not Choosing My Distant Friend As A Groomsman?
“I am getting married next year, but I’ve still to pick my groomsmen.
My friend Tony (not real name) and I got close about 4 years ago. We would hang out often in our friendship group. Both of us are naturally very social.
This is when it changed, Tony met Leah (not real name). They were in a long-distance relationship, so naturally we would see less of each other.
Then Tony decided to move to my city to be closer to our friendship group. I hadn’t long been with my now fiancée at the time and was looking forward to having catch-ups with us all.
Tony got engaged and then married within about 14 months.
He asked me to be the best man, I was happy to be.
However, I couldn’t help but notice that since Tony moved to my city I had seen him less than when he lived an hour away. Our friendship group would organize regular catch-ups and Tony wouldn’t come.
I then heard Tony and his fiancé, at the time, were catching up with other couples privately. It was weird that he never organized to catch up with us. The rumor was that Tony’s fiancé didn’t like lots of new people… Even though she had met me many times and had yet to meet my fiancé.
Tony’s wedding happened in early June, I was his best man. Since coming back from his honeymoon Tony has been invited to many social events by myself and others. Tony even instigated a social event where people came to see them and make his wife feel welcome and then he and Leah didn’t show up, they didn’t even contact us to let us know.
I had to text to see if he was ok.
Since Tony was married he has contacted me to do some jobs for him, lend him my tools, etc. I have only seen Tony socially once for about 2 hours. He told me he wants to get out but his wife is upset and constantly crying.
Tony seems to be struggling, but I don’t know what to do or how to help him. It sounds like a horrible situation. It sounds like his wife is manipulating him to not be social which isn’t good for him… it also sounds like she needs therapy.
My wedding is coming up and Tony has been so unreliable as a friend and he was a very unreliable groom to deal with too. My mother suggests he is still a groomsman because I was his best man. My fiancé feels Tony has been using me as of late and perhaps it’s best to just have Tony as a guest so he can sit with his wife.
My fiancé also says it is up to me though.
I do have another friend who I’ve known for years, but in the last 8 months have gotten closer. His wife and my fiancé get along too. So I was thinking of asking him instead…
So, I need your help.
AITJ if I don’t pick Tony as a groomsman?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to pick the person that makes you the most comfortable. It will be tough for Tony, but that’s how life goes. You need to nurture your relationship and pick your battles.
He made his choices. He can’t blame you for making yours.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – what a rapid change getting married can make in some cases. It’s a shame he’s letting his new wife isolate him. Don’t let this affect your wedding.
The really sad part is down the road they‘ll both see the mistake, but only after it’s too late. You’ve got to let your SO keep up relationships. If you don’t they become isolated and unreliable.” MojoInAtlanta
Another User Comments:
“Ntj.
You’re not obligated to make someone who hasn’t been close to you in months be your best man. It would make sense if the other friend was your best man. Inviting Tony as a guest is the best option. I feel sorry for Tony but you can always support him at the divorce party.” SpaceGirl868
3. AITJ For Planning My Birthday Celebration Without My Best Friend?
“My best friend and I (both F, 42) met in college a little bit over 20 years ago and have remained in contact ever since. Her husband is also a college friend, and I am their daughter’s godmother.
In college, I was just going with the flow, never really asserting my opinion and following the plans made by the group.
And my best friend took the leading role. So every time there was a decision to be made or we had an argument, I was the one compromising.
But with time, I changed, I became more assertive in life with everyone except with her, and I evolved personally and professionally but the standstill in the relationship was still expected.
Fast forward to now, we are a close group of 5 friends. We love to do karaoke nights at one of our houses, and music quizzes too.
My birthday is in 2 weeks and I asked my group of 5 friends to come on an afternoon out to a place where we can do a karaoke, have a drink afterward, and then do a musical quiz.
That was around 11 am. 2 of my friends replied immediately that they were in. My best friend and her husband made some jokes without answering the invitation for hours. The place I wanted to go to works with bookings and is popular so a quick decision was needed.
Finally, around 6 pm, my friend replied, telling me that her husband didn’t feel like doing karaoke and she didn’t feel like doing a musical quiz but said we could go ahead and do it without them if we wished.
By that time, there were no slots left on my birthday but I went ahead and booked for the following day with the 2 friends who wished to go.
An hour after that, my BF’s husband came back saying: why don’t we do an escape room? I replied that I would love it so we need to find a day that works for everyone. My BF immediately replies stating that she is only
available on the day of my birthday.
I tell her that I am not, because I am going out with my friends the Sunday, so I will spend Saturday celebrating with family.
At that point, she texts me alone and basically tells me that she doesn’t appreciate that I planned something on my birthday weekend without them and she was expecting me to find something they would like to participate in.
Adding a snarky comment like taking note, have a nice life!
I told her that I didn’t like that, all of a sudden, musical quizzes and karaoke were things they didn’t like to do and that they couldn’t be bothered to make an effort for my birthday.
None of us backed down and it turned into a screaming match with her hanging up on me and that was it, no contact since.
Was I wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It’s YOUR birthday. You invited her to participate in something you wanted to do on your day.
If she doesn’t want to go then you shouldn’t have to plan around her, especially if she is going to be immature about the situation.” Mysterious_Today_707
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s your birthday you can celebrate it the way you want. You planned something for your day, she and her husband declined and told you to proceed without them.
Her reaction was over the top and very petty, you have the right to celebrate the way you want with whomever you want. This isn’t high school anymore. I’m sorry but it sounds like this woman considered you a “friend” as long as she could manipulate you but now that you stood up to your decision to do something you wanted, she doesn’t appreciate it and lashes out.” OmegaSupreme76
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You initially offered to have them tag along with what YOU wanted to do for YOUR birthday, and they declined. That’s on them. If they want to spend time with you and have an outing at an escape room, then they should compromise on a time other than your birthday.
You obviously made the plans already, and they’re OBVIOUSLY aware of those plans.” [deleted]
2. AITJ For Wanting To Be Official After A Year And A Half Of Seeing Eachother?
“I (21m) and my “partner” (21f) have known each other for the last 2/3 years and around a year and a half ago we began to see each other.
For context, she was in a pretty bad relationship beforehand and eventually when she got out of it she wanted to avoid relationships as much as possible and in general just be free from the constraints of having to maintain a relationship.
Soon after her breakup, we became good friends and eventually, we began doing more “couple” things where we would stay over at each others’ places and go on outings as well as subliminally telling ourselves that we were only seeing each other.
Eventually, a couple of rough months went by with the topic of a relationship being a recurring argument if it ever came up in conversation, however, I kept telling her I understood how she felt and that I was just taking it one day at a time.
I personally was ready to settle down in a relationship but because I liked her so much I was more than willing to respect boundaries in regards to us and I really liked the idea of having a private relationship as I’m also not one to post my partner a lot on social media for example.
After a year and a half, I can definitely say a lot of progress has been made and our relationship overall is fantastic with both of us making it work. Currently, we’re doing a bit of long distance but when it came to when we lived close together I was always the one going to her place, putting a lot of effort in creative gifts and date ideas, as well as always doing the little things for her.
However, now I feel like I do too much for her compared to the effort she puts in as I have spent a lot of funds on a trip to go see her even more trips in store for the next months. The kicker is that after all this time I figured she would not mind telling people that she and I are together as I have been doing so with people who are close to me, however, she mentioned to me in a call today that she still refers to us as “unofficial” and not really “partners”, instead opting to refer to me as such for simplicity purposes when absolutely necessary.
This honestly makes me quite upset and I feel like after all this time it’s unfair for me to still not even be called her official partner despite everything we’ve done together and how amazingly we get along. So, would I be the jerk if I stopped treating her like my partner or maybe even break it off entirely so I can move on to find someone who actually wants to be my partner or am I overreacting completely and should continue to be respectful of her boundary of not “tying herself down yet”?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re far enough in your time together. Don’t randomly stop doing what you’re doing, because you should talk to your partner about issues or feelings that you’re having. It may be that you two want different things or are in different places.
That’s okay, but you two should communicate about your needs and wants, and then decide if you two are compatible – to see if this relationship is working for you both or congruent with your life goals.” ssccrs
Another User Comments:
“You would be the jerk if you didn’t try to talk to her about it first and say ‘hey, this upsets me, and I would like X and Y to change, because when I go see you more of the time and am the only one who seems willing to refer to us as official, it makes me feel insecure and like you aren’t really invested in our relationship.’ But NTJ if you try to talk to her about it and it just shows you, she isn’t ready to really commit as a partner.
Like, it is up to you, how long you are willing to wait and be patient, but she cannot expect you to wait forever and always leave herself an escape in calling you unofficial or not REALLY together. Either you are or you aren’t together.
You’ve been patient, and maybe she’s just scared to get over the hurdle and your support can help her, or maybe she just needs more time to heal than you can actually give her.” EnergyThat1518
If she does start asking for you to stay away from other girls but still doesn't want to commit, then maybe she IS playing with you and that would be an indication to amicably part ways, though.
1. AITJ For Respecting My Sister's Wishes About Our Mom Not Visiting While I Babysit Her Baby?
“My (F31) mom (53) was babysitting for my sister, Sarah (26). They had a disagreement and Mom told Sarah to get all the baby’s (m 11 months) stuff and not to bring him back.
I only know what Sarah told me and our mom mentioned she wasn’t being paid and that the baby’s father, Calvin, was being disrespectful to her. But I was also told she called him a racial slur. It’s a whole mess.
Anyways Sarah asked me if I could babysit for her.
It’s cheap pay but to be honest, I don’t really need the money anyway and I’m the only option she has with her hours so I agreed to help her out. I’m supposed to start tomorrow. My mom wanted to come visit at my house to see me and my daughter (6) sometime.
I checked with Sarah if she was allowing our mom around the baby because she had mentioned she had our mom blocked. She said she was not so I informed Mom we were going to have to work around our babysitting schedule because Sarah didn’t want her around the baby.
At first she was all fine about it but today she asked if she could ask me something without me getting mad.
I said sure. She wanted to know how I was going to let someone control who I let come to my house. It was my house not Sarah’s.
She even told me to talk to my husband about it for some reason. I told her he and I had already discussed all of this because of course I keep him in the loop about what I’m doing and wanted him to be aware of all the nonsense surrounding it in case I needed his support, and he agreed I shouldn’t go against my sister because that’s her child (not that I ever would in the first place).
I was like well it’s Sarah’s baby so her rules, I’m not disrespecting her when it comes to her child.
I have tried to stay out of the middle of their issue and I told Mom this. Their issues have nothing to do with me.
I just wanted to help my sister since she needed it. Their fight has nothing to do with me and I have no issue with her. I’m just not going against someone’s wishes with their child. I told her she could be upset at me but I don’t have a problem with her so if she’s feeling some type of way about me it’s on her and while I’m sorry to hear it I hope everything can still be good with us overall.
Sarah and I have a lifetime’s worth of trauma from this woman so I’m just not falling back into that. I also do know Sarah can be untruthful at times so I’m not saying our mom is lying about things she’s said but she’s not always trustworthy either.
I just want to help my sister that’s all and be respectful of her wishes when it comes to her baby. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You are doing exactly as you should. You are respecting your sister’s boundaries with her child. Your mother is attempting to stomp all over everyone’s boundaries to get her way.
She even undermined you by telling you to discuss it with your husband, who isn’t even involved in this. Don’t fall for her manipulations. She’s good at it. I also wonder if you aren’t healed from the trauma your mother caused because you are engaging with her in this instead of just telling her no and refusing to discuss it with her.
Protect yourself.” tatersprout
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! If she was racist/made racial slurs to one of your nephew’s parents then she is racist TO your nephew too and therefore a danger to him. She needs to be out of all of your lives. It sounds harsh, but as an adult, if she is still continuing to cause trauma and/or has the ability to traumatize the next generation then YOU and your sister now have the power to stop that.” pandora840
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother is right, you shouldn’t let someone else decide who you let into your house. Under this light, it’s pretty ridiculous that your mom is basically trying to guilt trip you into allowing her into your house. It’s your decision, but the one who is trying to manipulate and force you to do something is your mom.
The same mom that escalated the quarrel in the first place and is now trying to double-cross your sister by keeping such meetings secret from her.” ConsistentAd7859
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