People Ask For Honesty Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Kicking A Friend Out Of My Car Because Of A Song?
“I’ve had a friend, let’s call him John, for two years, we met when we first started college. He’s a nice guy but he’s a real snob when it comes to music and if he thinks that your music taste is bad he will let you know at every chance he gets.
Now, even I can admit that my music taste is all over the place, however, I have long outgrown my ‘I only listen to rock because everything else is trash’ phase and decided to just enjoy whatever music makes me happy.
My mom passed three years ago.
We never really had much in common but always showed our love for each other. However we managed to find common ground when I started listening to a band when I was around 12 years old (don’t wanna say the name because I wouldn’t be able to handle more hate lol) and she seemed to really enjoy their music as well, so whenever there would be house chores or if it was just the two of us we would listen to their music, she even bought some of their albums and those are some of my most precious possessions to this day.
As her passing anniversary comes closer I have been listening to their music more and more often, especially when driving to and from school.
I have been giving John rides to school for the last couple of weeks since his car broke down and he doesn’t live at a walkable distance.
Rides are usually OK but whenever this band’s music starts playing he starts complaining about it, telling me how they’re trash and that I need to change the song or stop listening to them. I always tell him to shut up but he does this every time.
Well, I guess I reached my breaking point today.
The moment the first song started playing he started talking about how all their songs are trash and how trashy and repetitive their music is. I told him to shut up or else I would just leave him in the middle of the street.
When another of their songs started playing he took it upon himself to just grab my phone and skip it so I parked the car and told him to get out. He thought I was joking until I started yelling at him. Once he got off I drove to school.
He told everyone in our group chat and some people are siding with him, even after telling them my story they’re telling me that I overreacted and that I caused him to miss school over a stupid song and now I’m thinking that I might have and should’ve just sucked it up.
Edit: The band is Imagine Dragons.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You don’t touch the music of the driver. That’s a car basic. I think though next time this happens, tell them why you want the song on, or perhaps send them a DM and work it out.
It sounds like from their point of view they likely had no idea and think you overreacted to a minor trashy thing they did when it’s really they crapped on your connection to your mom.” Staplepuller
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In my opinion, Imagine Dragons is an okay band, wouldn’t choose to listen to it myself but that’s just me.
HOWEVER, if I was in someone else’s car, I wouldn’t tell them they suck or that they need to change it. Especially if it was a band that was close to someone and was special. You don’t try to control what people listen to ever.
That’s a crappy friend. A friend would be willing to SILENTLY listen to them even if they don’t like them because they understand it helps with your grief.” Early_Vegetable3932
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are not obligated to give him a ride. If he cannot be respectful enough to at least hold his comments to himself after you’d asked him multiple times to do so, then the consequences of his actions shall happily bite him in the butt.
Sounds like the rest of your friends need to shut their pieholes, too. The driver picks the music. A passenger may request that the music be changed or lowered, but that request does not have to be honored. If a passenger does not like this, then it is on them to find someone else to ride with.” TrelanaSakuyo
17. AITJ For Helping One Son And Not The Other?
“My younger son is 22 and the older is 27. I am close to both of them. The older one is married, and his wife is pregnant.
They both have good jobs and own their own home. She makes more money than him and is currently on maternity leave.
My younger son is a student teacher. He loves what he does, but finances are tight for him. If he bought a house, the mortgage payment would be less than his rent, and he’d be building equity.
Although this is his dream, right now he can’t get approved because of income, and he doesn’t have enough saved for a down payment + closing costs.
I told my son I would cosign his loan because I know he will be able to pay as he always pays his rent.
I also said I would pay 8k towards his down payment, leaving him with probably just a few thousand more of the down payment and then the closing costs.
My family thinks I am showing favoritism to my younger son. When my older son and his wife bought their house, they received no financial assistance from me.
This is true, but they easily qualified for their loan and didn’t need a cosigner because of their dual incomes. They had the money saved for their down payment and closing and didn’t need help from me. I gifted them antique furniture that belonged to my mother and bought them a washer and dryer.
I don’t know the value of the furniture, but the washer and dryer set was over 2k.
My family said I should split the 8k and give half to my older son and his wife for the baby and half to my younger for his house.
I remember how expensive babies are, but I don’t think they need that 4k. My daughter-in-law is going to open an education savings account for the baby when she is born, and I intend to make annual contributions to that, which I feel will be more beneficial in the long term than a one-time gift of an unneeded 4k that will just get spent on toys or baby furniture, probably.
Still, my cousin made me worried when she said my decision might impact my relationship with my older son and future granddaughter. I don’t believe in the idea of fairness for the sake of fairness. I think it’s better to give what is needed when it is needed rather than constantly balancing accounts.
Am I being a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Children are not clones of each other, they are individuals with different lives and different needs, and your money is yours to spend. As long as your older son knows that you’d do the same for him, if he was in the same situation, you have nothing to feel bad about.
Your older son didn’t need help when he bought his house and your younger does. Yeah, your younger son will benefit more from your help than the older one in this case, but the older one benefitted from society putting more value on his choice of career (reflected in higher pay) and from the societal set-up that gives an advantage to couples as opposed to single people (two people find it a lot easier to buy a house, than one person).
As someone with a younger sibling, I am secure enough in my relationship with my parents to know that they love both of us equally, and they would help both of us equally if we needed it, but I don’t expect that every time they need to help one of us financially, they should give the other an equal amount of money for the sake of fairness.
That would be a very childish way to see things, and would show a certain level of unearned entitlement in my eyes.” theam94
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I don’t think it’s really fair to compare a 22-year-old to a 27-year-old. Was your older son in a much better position at 22?
Or is he OK now because he’s worked hard without help for 5 years? You need to speak to your eldest and see how he feels. Your family isn’t wrong that this could be viewed as favoritism and cause issues.
You don’t need to be doing everything 50-50, but your youngest is 22.
He’s at the very very start of his career and is not desperate. He could also meet a wealthier partner in 3 months and be set. I would argue that your youngest doesn’t NEED your help – he can pay rent, can save a bit, and isn’t in dire need of a house NOW.
Saving for a few years will probably be a very good life lesson for him. Just like your eldest did. I would also be very wary of co-signing a loan. Can your son actually afford the mortgage and all the added costs of owning a house?
But that might just be me.” AlternativeAd3652
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not like your son isn’t working hard for it. He just needs help where the other one doesn’t because he’s better off. This whole favoritism claim that’s becoming more and more common is driving me nuts (not to say that’s never the case).
I think people are becoming inherently more selfish, and forget how familial support works. Rather than ‘hey, this family member needs help, and this other one is helping,’ it’s become ‘hey, you did this for so and so. What about me?’ It’s not like you’re being taken advantage of or encouraging bad habits or laziness from your younger son, and it’s not like you never gave (or don’t plan to give) anything to your older son to help them.
Support can come in different forms as well and I think people forget, like almost everything else, it’s not black and white. Also, in the future, your older son may need your help with something that will equal or exceed the help your younger son does now, and at that time, your younger son may be stable and not need help with anything.
And if your cousin has an issue with it, I’m sure they’re more than welcome to give some family support in the form of $4k to your older son, but with their ‘favoritism’ logic, they should also give your younger son 4k, which I bet he’d be thrilled to get.” Huge-Meringue-114
My parents have always treated me and my sibling equally in financial matters, but seldom did the financial support take the same form or the same amount, for both of us. No one ever called foul, as we were raised to make our own way financially by working for what we wanted. Gifts were gifts, never expected, but always appreciated.
How you gift your sons is your business only. It sounds to me like you're treating them both equitably, rather than equally, as my folks did. They gifted us with what they thought we needed, when we needed it. PERIOD. And that's what good parents do. Tell anyone having the temerity to criticize your personal interactions with your children to go pound sand and to MTOFB.
16. AITJ For Calling My Mom A Fool For Getting Back With Her Ex?
“I (25F), an accidental baby, was 7 when my mom (52F) married a man (now 49M).
They then had two daughters (now 16&10). We were pretty well off when I was young. But 2 months before my high school graduation, Mom said that stepdad left us and also left a huge debt due to gambling. He also took our family savings and even got my college fund.
Mom had to give up many things so that she could pay some of the debt as threats were thrown at my sisters.
I was 16 then and decided to postpone going to college to work and help our family out. 2 years after, I was offered a scholarship at a rural state uni so I grabbed it to get a degree.
I graduated with a high GPA despite having to juggle my time with my studying while working part-time to live coz I don’t want to be an additional burden to my mom.
I resigned and took a break from work last year as I was burned out, unhealthy & just wanted to rest. I trusted my savings with my mom, told her to use them for emergencies, and went home to my relatives’ home (a 12-hour drive) to stay with them.
I was uncomfortable in our house.
Last week, mom called me crying and told me that stepdad appeared last May, and begged for forgiveness. They said they forgave him cause ‘he’s still our father’ and kept it a secret from me cause they knew I’d be mad.
Duh. What sane person is going to forgive someone who just left his family buried in debt and appear after 8 years as if he did nothing wrong?
Then she said that stepdad left again last month, creditors crashing in again saying he got debt and since there’s no divorce here, the wife has to pay for it.
She also admitted that she gave all of my savings to him coz he said that he’ll use it for business but then he left.
I was livid. I can’t believe that the money I saved up for my sister’s college fund and my settlement at another place is gone.
I yelled at my mom thru the phone. Told her how could she do this and how much of a fool she is and what kind of mother she is for letting a jerk throw us in the dirt again. Years of pent-up emotions burst out of me and told her was ruining my life not enough that they have to also destroy my sisters’ lives by taking away their chance to have a better life just because she’s a lovesick fool.
I hung up.
I’m still not talking to my mom and my sister told me that mom said I was rude for saying what I said and my sis kinda agreed with it but that she also needed the wake-up call.
I love them but I don’t know what I can do to fix this with zero money.
People are threatening to sue us if we won’t be able to pay the funds instantly. There were no opportunities and my work contract starts in December but we have no time already. I’m terrified, exhausted, and in dire need of money. I want to cry and I needed help coz I just want to tap out already.
I still want to berate my mom coz she’s also at fault here.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are not threatening to sue you. Stop saying US. She is not you. Don’t go back – you tried to be a mother to your sister and saved money for their colleges and your actual mother just threw it all away.
Also, it’s not your fault she didn’t legally get divorced. If she had she wouldn’t be liable. And in any case, she brought it all back on your doorstep. You have to file a claim against her for the funds you saved for a deposit or file for theft. You may as well be one of the creditors.
As for your sisters if even they say you were rude – it’s a lost cause they can do the same as you and work for a couple of years and get a scholarship. You are not their mother.
Stay where you are and then build yourself again and don’t go back.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. The SHAME is on your mom. She should be on her knees begging for forgiveness. What a desperate pathetic and lonely woman she is! I hope the guy was worth the bankruptcy.
Tell mom to get a cleaning job and pay you back every dime she owes you! Do not let this go. Sue her if you can. She cares more about the guy than her daughter’s future. Who needs enemies with a mom like this? If your mom isn’t willing to pay you back go no contact with her for the rest of your life.
Because it will happen AGAIN and AGAIN. She is the type who doesn’t learn anything from her mistakes but instead blames everyone else for her mistakes.” xxDiamondgirl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You need to put yourself first. Stay where you are, ask the people around you to help you out until your job starts, and take time to make sure your own finances and documents cannot be accessed by your mother.
You do not need to fix this. If creditors come after your mother, oh well. If she loses her house, oh well. This is a moment where you need to realize that you cannot save your mother and yourself. So, do not help her sort through this mess, and you are not liable for anything she owes or anything her husband did.
In fact, you likely could sue him and her for using your savings.
The best thing you can do here is focus on your own financial health, and let your mother sink or swim on her own. By doing that, you are also more likely to be able to help your sister out, but if you bail out your mom now, you won’t be able to help yourself or your sister later.
Just stay with your relatives and rebuild your own financial health, for your own future. Do not give them a dime until you have a dime to spare, and then really think if it is even worth it.” mfruitfly
15. AITJ For Canceling My Payment While Keeping The Product?
“Once, I was tipsy, scrolling through an online marketplace, and found the whole series of hardback Harry Potter books available for $75 + shipping.
These were the American books and the same covers that I had as a kid while the series was still being written. I was feeling nostalgic and purchased it without much thinking.
2 days later, I had a message from the seller saying she was really sorry, but she needs to cancel the order.
She just realized that the 5th and 7th books are ‘first editions,’ so she wanted to charge an extra $25. I thought this was odd, as I remember those books being released at huge parties in bookstores around the country… meaning tons of people probably have first editions.
She said that she would gladly give me dibs at this higher price and that she was embarrassed to ask, but her husband insisted she charges more because they were trying to save funds for Christmas. Now sober, I was already feeling some buyer’s remorse — I spent about $100 on an impulse buy!
I told her I wasn’t interested in this higher price and to please cancel the order. Our conversation ended with her saying ‘Okay I guess I will relist thanks’.
Instantly, I reached out to the marketplace support, provided screenshots, and asked them to cancel and refund me.
They suggested I reach out to PayPal to stop payment because as the buyer, I cannot cancel an order since she had already marked it as ‘shipped’. However, the tracking at the time just noted a shipping label was printed. The parcel was not currently picked up or in transit.
I provided the screenshots of our conversation to PayPal who approved a chargeback and thought that was the end of it.
2 weeks later, the books arrived at my house. I thought it was weird, but I didn’t reach out to the seller. To be honest, I got scammy vibes from her trying to bait-and-switch me on the cost, and just wanted the situation to go away.
2 months later, she reached out to me again, angry that I did a chargeback and had the books in my possession. I told her I did the chargeback when she said she was canceling the order and pointed out that she never told me she was shipping them.
I offered to mail them back if she sent me a prepaid shipping label. Shipping 7 hardback books are expensive! Even just bringing them to the post office is a big inconvenience to me because I live carless in NYC, so I’d have to carry them far.
She said some really harsh things to me about me being dishonest. She refused to send a label, so I still have the books and paid $0 for them.
Why I’m the jerk: I’ve been that person selling items to make ends meet. It stinks.
This isn’t Walmart that I ripped off. I didn’t need that $100 and could’ve easily chalked this up to a misunderstanding and venmo’d her when I received the books. But I felt like she tried to scam me and didn’t appreciate how she came to me with rudeness, so I gave her nothing.
Should I have paid her for the product I did receive?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she wanted to jump the price only after the label was printed knowing the system would consider that as it being shipped. Then you told her to relist, she agreed to, then still sent them to you, then called you a full month (at least) after the chargeback probably happened demanding the higher price she wanted all along in an angry/aggressive/accusatory manner, and you offered to return them if she paid for their return if she sent them by mistake which she declined.
She was hoping all along that you’d just pay the extra money. When you turned it down she didn’t mark it as canceled on her side despite you agreeing in written communication that it was canceled knowing that the system wouldn’t let you cancel on your side.
She then still sent them thinking she could weasel that extra 25 out of you when they arrived but knowing she at least had the 75 on lock. When you got a chargeback she hadn’t anticipated she freaked out but needed to plan what to say because you have it in writing that you mutually agreed not to proceed with the order so she has no legal grounds to stand on here.
She proceeded to still send those books after mutually agreeing to cancel if she wanted a higher price because it was a last-ditch effort to drag more money out of you. It just blew up in her face because she didn’t know you could request a chargeback.” crypticrow
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You’re a little bit of a jerk not because you did the chargeback but because you didn’t message her to say the books arrived and that you didn’t want them. You can’t keep something that hasn’t been paid for.
What you should have done was let her know they arrived and that she needs to arrange for them to be collected by a courier. 2 months is a long time to not tell someone you got a package you shouldn’t have.
She’s a major jerk for agreeing on a price, changing the price after it’s been processed, sending it anyway after it was supposed to be canceled (probably in the hope of backing you into a corner to pay the higher price), and for blaming you for her mistake.
She shouldn’t have sent it or she should have told you she changed her mind about changing the price.” Proud_Fee_1542
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s unprofessional to make a deal but then back out because you’ve found a buyer who will pay more somewhere else/you found out the item is worth more.
If a seller is a casual seller (like they are just trying to declutter or make a little extra cash vs people who try to flip things more consistently) then they can afford to be unprofessional and cancel deals since their reputation doesn’t matter.
However, once she shipped she was at your mercy, and saying ‘hey I want to screw you over on a deal but I need your help’ wasn’t a great idea. I understand money is money but she got greedy and ended up with nothing.” Pancakes176
14. AITJ For Snapping At My Teacher Who Yelled At Me For Opening The Door?
“I (17, nonbinary) have Spanish in the morning from 7:15 – 8:45 EST. Every morning since the beginning of the school year, my teacher insisted that the policy of her classroom is for her to open the door and her only.
No student shall open the door unless they’re leaving the classroom. I sit right next to the door.
Students often arrive at school late and because they’re late they must wait for her to open the door, no issue, right?
However, she leaves students outside for 10-15 minutes at a time, and no matter how many times the student knocks, she will not open the door.
People end up missing the lecture and miss the instruction for the assignment. She then gets angry at the students for not understanding the lesson or assignment.
Today we were going over a study guide for an upcoming test and there was a knock on the door.
I told her that someone was at the door. She said they must wait. I start a timer on my laptop and wait. About six minutes later, the student knocks again. She said they must wait. When the timer hit 15 minutes in, she said the same thing.
When the timer hit 20 minutes, I opened the door.
Immediately, she starts to yell at me, telling me to not open the door because it’s policy and there was a faculty meeting about it (other teachers allow their students to open the door, I think this was a lie).
She told me I disrespected her and her rules even tho she constantly disrespects me and my peers. I finally snapped at her.
I told her she was a sad, miserable woman who must have constant control over us teens because she has no control over herself and her life.
She asked me for my mom’s phone number and I think she’s going to try and call her because I opened the door and snapped at her.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
School policy is that all students are to be in a classroom when the bell rings, with no one in the halls.
If you are late the teacher either marks you as late or a sweeper does and that allows you to go into the classroom. As a former teacher, I have never heard of any teacher keeping a child alone for 20-plus minutes. If something is to happen to that student it falls on the school and on the teacher who was not supervising the child.
Not only that, they are losing valuable learning time.
This teacher does not know who is knocking or what their excuse for being late is. For those claiming that children are responsible for being to school on time, no, their parents are responsible. Not all kids live within walking distance, not all kids are rich enough to have cars, and some aren’t even old enough to drive.
Not all kids live in an area in which traveling alone is safe, especially if they are told to walk in the dark (my child starts at 7 am and I spend half the year driving her in the dark.) Your privilege is showing. Some may have disabilities or broken homes… twice we were late because of an accident that we witnessed…
Sadly, my youngest watched someone die in one. Busses are late, and our streets flood. There are so many reasons why this teacher’s policy is crappy and so are the attitudes of those who believe a 14-year-old should purchase and drive their own car or walk in the dark alone to school.
OP sucks because this issue should have been brought up to their parents, to the principal, to the district if need be, ages ago. You just went about this the wrong way and the teacher’s response was also unprofessional. Everyone sucks here.” Katrinia17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she’s on a power trip. Teachers have options – tracking who is late, detention, calling parents, and escalating to their own supervisor. She is choosing the one thing that will deny the student the ability to keep pace with the class, and since they repeatedly knock it’s disturbing your ability to focus.
I would lead a conversation with your parents starting with that if you want them to hear your perspective before she calls.
You will find petty people like this everywhere. I recommend taking pictures of your work and when you submit it in case she gets vindictive and starts losing it.
Lastly, what you said was technically rude but there were some teachers I had who needed a talking to as well. Satisfying in the short term, but perhaps wiser to keep your head down.” Extra-Wear-2758
13. AITJ For Canceling A Check That Would Support My Friend's IVF Over A Joke?
“I (F35) am infertile. My ex-husband and I tried everything to have kids but it just never happened. He divorced me, went and married someone younger who was able to give him a kid and from what I gather, they’re expecting a 2nd child together.
It hurts seeing someone else have what I couldn’t. I get frustrated with myself sometimes and with my family blaming me for basically everything. I turn to my friends for support, especially ‘Alessia’, she’s in the same ‘infertility boat’ as me but she and her husband are currently trying IVF hoping it’d work.
Alessia asked me for help to pay for her upcoming IVF cycle. I agreed to write her a check for $12,000, I really wanted to help her and the money came with no strings attached. I wrote the check and gave it to her last week.
She was very appreciative of it.
The very next day, I got a sudden message from a mutual friend ‘Carol’ with a screenshot of the conversation she had with Alessia. It turns out she and Alessia were talking about the next IVF cycle, and Alessia said she hoped the cycle would work because she didn’t wanna end up divorced and having her husband go marry someone younger and have a baby with them and another one on the way!
While she’s alone and without a family at 35! (She’s 32). I was stunned and… hurt, I knew she meant me here. But I did not confront her I simply contacted my bank and canceled the check.
In the evening, Alessia called to ask why I canceled the check and I told her.
She went crazy saying she didn’t mean it that way and that she thought that this was somewhat an ‘inside joke’ between ‘desperate infertile women’. She came over with her husband the next day begging me to write another check but I refused. An argument ensued and her husband thought I wasn’t being supportive of her like when she supported me throughout my struggles.
She left crying and we haven’t talked since then. Her husband keeps reminding me (while repeatedly calling Carol a toxic snake) of the date of the next cycle saying they can’t have it after I took the money that was supposed to pay for it back!
Some friends think I’m being oversensitive. Carol’s on my side telling me to tell them to get lost but I feel so bad about it. What I’ve done might just damage our 15 years of friendship. Maybe I shouldn’t have canceled it but I just felt so offended by what she said about me and how she basically mocked my unfortunate circumstances.
So, AITJ?
Edit: I have decided I’m going to put some distance between me and Alessia. Things have been rough lately and I think that distance is what I need right now, especially for my mental health. I now feel less heavy and more relieved. That doesn’t change the fact that I still feel completely and utterly shocked by Alessia’s behavior.
It’s a shame having to come to the realization that even those who are supportive of you the most, could cause as much harm.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
SHE damaged 15 years of friendship.
SHE used you as the butt of an ‘inside joke’. Despite knowing how hard this was for you.
SHE hasn’t taken any accountability for her wrongdoings and she and her partner are blaming Carol for what SHE said.
Their behavior afterward shows no remorse. Just bullying you and Carol. Manipulation via guilt-tripping.
Your friends can hand over their cash since they think you’re ‘over sensitive’.
You’re not.
Bullies always blame the victim and it seems like you know a lot of them.” Status-Pattern7539
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There’s a lot to be said here about respect. Respect, respect, respect. Respect should be given to just about anybody having endured hardship.
This joke would be messed up if you DIDN’T give her the money. The fact she lacked respect for your struggle despite you helping with hers shows a lot about her character I think. If somebody is willing to drop 12,000 dollars for you, you give them respect.
If they are part of your family (with exceptions of course but it sounds like things were good before this) you give them respect.
She didn’t give you any, she doesn’t deserve any of yours.” Snoo47300
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This woman knows your pain herself… she knows that’s no joke.
That woman has a brass pair to take your check in hand and then immediately talk about you behind your back.
There’s no win in this for you, no matter what you do. Cancel the check and not write a new one, and you’re the villain for destroying their dreams of a baby (which isn’t a sure thing, regardless).
Give them the money and you’ll feel like the biggest chump whose kindness has been taken advantage of. Personally, I’d rather be a villain to a backstabbing ‘friend’ than a doormat to be tread on.
And Carol is toxic?!? How? By outing Allesia’s toxicity?
Some of your friends aren’t friends.” Aprilhw3
12. AITJ For Wanting To Spend The Holidays At Home?
“My wife decided a few years ago that we will no longer be spending any holidays with my mom because she is rude (to be fair she is), doesn’t cater to the kids enough, and the final straw was when my mom reached in front of us to get some food and we noticed a ring and realized she had gotten married.
My wife said if we weren’t good enough to get a wedding invite, we clearly aren’t good enough to spend holidays with. It hurt but I agreed because I didn’t want to harm my marriage. The past couple of holiday seasons has been rough on me.
I just don’t enjoy holidays with my in-laws at all. They have like 30 people there, everyone is so loud, the food is dry and bland, just no one I connect with, and it makes me miss spending holidays with my mom.
Recently my wife brought up the holidays and I let her know how I was feeling.
She said she sympathized but was not wasting another Christmas with my witch mom. I asked if we could start staying home every other year and just doing something for the four of us. My wife blew up. She said I was selfish and trying to ruin her holidays just because my mom is a witch, that I don’t care about our kids because they love it (they do but they are 4 and 2 and I think would love anything if we made it exciting for them), and she said I need to act like a grown man and put my feelings aside for the good of the family.
I feel I had the right to just ask and she owed me at least an adult conversation.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife sounds like a treat though! I don’t blame her for not wanting to spend time with your mother but that doesn’t mean she now gets to decide that you all go to her family 100% of the time.
And it was way out of order for her to call your mum a witch.
I think that having every Christmas with a big family isn’t always great for the kids anyway. Make your own traditions, have your own fun where your kids are the center of your attention and it’s less chaos.
Then maybe go to her family on Boxing Day for a big get-together? It’s not like you’re suggesting doing this every year.
Ask your wife why spending every other holiday with just the two of you and the kids is such an issue. And don’t let her weaponize the kids in the argument, ask her what HER reasons are?” Est666
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife seems to just want everything her own way and is using your mom’s past rudeness as leverage to justify why ‘it’s only right’ that your wife’s way should now be favored at all times. That’s not partnership. That’s scorekeeping.
I think your suggestion was a perfectly fair compromise.
I also think it’s unkind that she said that the four of you staying home together every other year would ‘ruin her holidays’. And saying you don’t care about your kids is manipulative. Your wife’s intent here was to win, not to resolve.
Also not partnership.
Your mom isn’t the only one who is rude, I’m afraid. And yes, an adult conversation was the very least you could ask. But it is apparently also too much to ask.” ItsAllALot
Another User Comments:
“Dude, your wife is a selfish jerk here.
You’re not even suggesting spending the holidays with your mom. You’re suggesting spending it with just her and your kids, your immediate family.
And she has the audacity to say you’re ruining HER holidays!? They’re not her holidays. When one is married, some things no longer become MY (THING) and instead become OUR (THING).
Holidays fall under shared ownership in marriage.
Your wife can’t even give up her thing and would rather you be miserable, when a viable option is available, start spending some holidays with only your wife and kids. That’s not selfish on your part, but it is selfish on hers to deny it and claim all holidays as hers only.
NTJ.” User
11. AITJ For Dumping My Roommate's Belongings In Her Room?
“I’ve been living in my parents’ old house for the past 5 years. They do have some rules for the place like no huge parties, keep it clean, don’t move anyone in without giving them a heads up, and keep one of the rooms free for when they have people visiting from out of town.
I’m not thrilled with the rules but the only expense I pay is the yearly tax which is a much better deal than I’d get anywhere else nearby. Up until now they’ve only ever had someone stay once and it was a family friend I knew anyway.
A few months ago they asked if I would be okay with one of their friend’s nieces staying while she saved up money for a place of her own. She moved in and I told her about the house rules and made sure she had a closet, cabinets, kitchen space, etc for herself.
I also told her to leave 3 places extra tidy – The bins I keep my dog and cat food and supplies in, the kitchen island, and the laundry room. We keep to ourselves pretty much. The only big issue is that she leaves things everywhere.
I ignore it the best I can but she leaves things even where I’ve told her not to. My pet supply bin has a lid on it and she treats it like a shelf. Purses, coats, and mail stacks every day. I’ve asked her repeatedly to move her stuff since I go into that bin multiple times a day and I shouldn’t have to always move her stuff around to get into it.
It’s the same with the kitchen island and laundry room. She either leaves dirty clothes and lint balls everywhere or has a bunch of stuff on the island that has to be cleared every day to use it. I’ve tried asking her to not do this a dozen times but nothing changes.
Yesterday I came home early and wanted to bake. There were a bunch of boxes on the kitchen island and clothes in the pet bin. I had enough so I went around with a garbage bag to put all of her clutter items in and put the two bags in her bedroom.
When she got home she was mad that I touched her things and had opened her bedroom door. Today before she left for work she kept loudly asking if it was okay to leave dishes in the sink before she left. So now I’m wondering if maybe I was a bit of a jerk to her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is your parents’ old home, and they set the rules (which, by the way, are very fair and reasonable). They also invited this friend’s niece to move in, which is fine… but she is NOT following the rules. They need to be the ones to make sure she does because it’s not fair to anyone else who is.
Tell them what is going on, and ask them to handle it. They kindly invited her to stay there, while she saved money for her own place. That invitation should not include her coming in and becoming everyone else’s headache.” Effective-Gur-242
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: I would have the following conversation when she gets home.
Ask her if next time she would prefer you to chuck it in the backyard instead of her bedroom.
She is here to save money, part of that deal is not making your life miserable and causing more work for you.
I would actually say that, by the way.
‘If you insist on not keeping your end of the deal and leaving disasters and messes on the pet bins, kitchen, and laundry room and making more work for me, I will do whatever is the minimum necessary to be able to use those spaces which means anything you leave around will be chucked into a garbage bag unsorted – clean, dirty I don’t care.
If you are going to make your messes my problem, I will deal with your messes however I see fit. This will include taking photos and sending them to my parents, your parents, any and all of your guests, and all nasty slob of the week contests.
‘
If she doesn’t want her stuff touched then she needs to clean up, if you have to clean up to get access to the pet bins, the kitchen island, or the laundry room, then her stuff is going to be shoved in garbage bags and put somewhere.
If she doesn’t like it, she has three choices either clean up after herself and keep it tidy, have her stuff clean and dirty shoved in a garbage bag unsorted for her to deal with, or move out.” Artneedsmorefloof
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you touched her things that she left in common areas after specifically being asked not to.
Maybe you should have left them at her bedroom door and not gone in her room, although it sounds like all you did in the room was leave the bags, so not really a big deal, honestly. It’s very simple, all she has to do is keep her stuff in her room.” CJsMom2000
10. AITJ For Suggesting Skipping Out On Family Dinners?
“We go to my in-laws for dinner twice a month, along with all my husband’s siblings and their kids, my youngest (1.5) is the youngest grandkid by a few years.
One of my SILs has severe PTSD and has a service dog. We understand this is a working dog, not a pet, and try and teach the kids not to pet or pay any attention to the dog unless specifically told otherwise.
The issue is my 1.5 doesn’t get it, and is absolutely in love with the dog, every time he goes near him we move him away, but he tries again, rinse and repeat. We genuinely do our best to keep him away but it’s a constant battle and sometimes he’s faster than we are, but even then we move him away immediately.
SIL is upset that he keeps trying to reach the dog. SIL, as well as pretty much every other adult here, expects us to either hold 1.5 constantly or keep him in his stroller/highchair, he doesn’t like being held or sitting in one place for too long.
I feel it’s not feasible to expect a 1.5 yr old to be tied up for hours at a time so he doesn’t upset SIL, and said that if it upsets SIL so much we’ll just have to skip family dinners until he’s old enough to understand.
My husband is unhappy with this but didn’t say anything, everyone else thinks I’m the jerk for suggesting it. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, in my opinion. You’re doing the right thing by moving your kid away from the service animal. Your SIL has a right to be upset over your kid trying to get near the dog because the dog is working.
It’s crap trying to keep a toddler corralled. Skipping the family dinner for the time being sounds like a logical solution, or maybe dropping your youngest with a sitter here & there so you can attend and actually enjoy yourself. Or, just have your husband and other kids go, and you get some one-on-one time with the littlest.” nerdydirtyinkycurvy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are doing the right thing. Everyone knows a 1.5 yo is going to be quick, and it’s not easy to keep up with constantly. Especially when so many people are around, and distractions are there.
Even the best parent in the world can’t constantly keep their eyes on a child.
And no matter how much you try to distract the child, if they really want something they will keep going until they get it.
Everyone on here saying you should keep a better watch on your child, or distract it, etc obviously hasn’t had kids.
No matter how hard you try, you will not be able to keep a child from crawling or walking to something that has its interest. And it is cruel to the child to make them sit in a chair, or stroller or be held against their will the whole time.
Not only that it causes the child to throw tantrums. Then the family will look at you because you are restraining your kid, and it is screaming and crying because it wants to get out and play.
It takes kids that age a while to learn that they are not allowed to do something.
It’s not magical and won’t happen overnight. They are at the age where they are curious and learning about the world they live in, so seeing a dog which in most kids’ cases is something special and they love. They all want to play with it, but they don’t understand the difference between a working dog and a pet.
My advice is to take the time away from family gatherings, let your husband go alone, or get a babysitter until your child is at the age where they can understand that the dog is off limits. Maybe buy a stuffed dog like it, set it up at home, and teach the child that the dog is off-limits.
This way it is not only happening when you are at family gatherings, that will help the child learn faster as it will be a constant daily in your home.” Whiskeygirl81
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and it sounds like your option is a very good one at this point.
It’s meant to be a last resort, and you’ve reached the last resort. If it’s so important for everyone that your family be there, then offer that either your husband can corral the kid all the time at these dinners or SiL should leave – she’s the one that’s getting upset at you for what other people are doing.
If you still go, let everyone else deal with your youngest and sit next to SiL as a last line of defense, to pick him up and return him to daddy.
Personally, I’d just put my foot down and not go. Regardless of if the rest of the family goes or not.
Can’t blame you for letting the baby near the dog if you aren’t even there. If your husband insists on going with the kids without you, you have bigger issues by the way.” TrelanaSakuyo
9. AITJ For Having An "Escape Plan" From Home?
“I (17f) have a weird family situation. My parents split up when I was 4 after my older brother passed away, he had always been really ill. They both remarried and have step-kids and other kids. I’ve been bounced around a lot and I don’t really feel at home in either place tbh.
My mom and her side are mad at me because I won’t call my step-father ‘dad’ and I keep to myself because there are just too many kids in that house. My dad’s side is mad at me because they’re super religious and I won’t play ball with the churchy stuff.
I just don’t fit in either place and I try to stay busy out of the house with school and work.
I thought about running away a couple of years ago because of reasons but also because I’m either gay or bi, I’m not sure yet, and either way, it’s not going to be good when I come out.
I got everything together but my friend talked me out of it. I decided to stick it out til graduation, but it gave me the idea of having ’emergency kits’ for if something goes wrong and I have to leave quickly. Also, I have a plan and stuff prepared so I can just pick up and leave the day after graduation.
I keep all my personal stuff hidden like I have a phone my parents know about, but I got another one and repaired a junk laptop that I use for my real personal stuff. It’s a lot to keep up with sometimes, but it’s a habit now and it means I get some privacy.
The problem is that my step-brother was snooping in my room while I was gone and found one of my emergency kits and told my dad, who got worried that I’m up to no good and gave me the third degree and got my mom involved too.
I told them I’m just trying to be prepared if there’s an emergency, but they went through all my stuff and found a few things I had written about wanting to leave and it’s become a big family issue with other relatives supporting or attacking my parents and my parents fighting again.
They, fortunately, haven’t found the really important stuff, but they know there’s more that I’m keeping hidden.
My parents and some family think I’m an ungrateful and mean jerk for being so secretive and having a plan to leave everyone. Other family thinks my parents are getting what they sowed and don’t blame me.
Edit – I will get out because now I’m scared something bad is going to happen for real. Some family said I could come stay with them if I need to so I’m going there in the morning when I can slip out and they said they were going to file a report or something so I don’t have to go back to my parents hopefully and the cops will look into it.
I should be safe there but my parents are going to lose their minds so hopefully the cops don’t make me go back home.
Edit 2 – I’m out and with my aunt and uncle and it’s been a day, but the cops said I can stay here and my aunt said I can stay as long as I need to.
My aunt is keeping the rest of the family away and my dad has already tried to come over and the cops had to talk to him and tell him to leave. I’m really tired and I don’t know how this week is going to go, but my aunt said they would handle the grown-up stuff and I don’t have to talk to anyone that I don’t want to until I’m ready.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ; You are trying to save yourself and prepare for the worse without malice or cruelty. Your families are hurt and upset by your preparation and what it shows to them.
You must assert yourself in your own life and tell them why and how you feel.
I think you feel lonely and isolated, caught between two homes where you do not belong and you have been planning accordingly. You need to tear open the old wounds and let them know where you stand and where you see your future.
On a practical note: get cash, necessary documents, and copies of transcripts stashed, ideally in a bank box or similar location so they cannot be taken by the family.” CarbonS0ul
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your primary importance is keeping yourself safe. If you think you need a ‘go bag’ or emergency run kit, then there is a reason. Trust your gut. Keep yourself safe by having a contingency plan.
Anyone in a potentially harmful relationship, whether it’s parents, siblings, SO, or whatever, should have a plan.
I would also recommend opening a bank account under your name where any extra money you have is put in there as well… Even open a credit card in your name so you have that as a backup as well.” The_Fires_Of_Orc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry your family is so horrible that you need an escape plan, but I commend you for thinking ahead and taking steps to ensure your safety. I’d suggest speaking to a guidance counselor or therapist at school about what you’re dealing with as they may have some suggestions or resources they can hook you up with.
It sounds like you’ve got the world on your shoulders right now and feel completely alone, so it may help to be able to talk to someone.
I wouldn’t mention your plans to run away but you could tell them you need to get out of this situation and are looking for educational programs that would start in the summer instead of having to wait until Fall.
They may even be able to direct you to organizations that provide safe spaces to stay if you feel in danger at home. Some places are there specifically for members of the LGBTQ community since too many are still kicked out or aren’t safe with their families.” Scribe625
8. AITJ For Not Letting My Son Communicate With His Mom?
“I (35M) divorced my wife (33F) (our ages now, feel like I should clarify) about 10 years ago. I won full custody, and most of what she had, besides money and personal items, was due to me having a good amount of money. My son’s mother was neglectful, as in when I came home from work he wasn’t there, he was still at daycare because she wouldn’t pick him up because she was on substances.
She gave me trouble for simply doing anything for him, so I divorced her, and moved a few states away, but this gets us to the story.
I and my son (12M) are very close, so when I got a new girl (34F) he wasn’t very happy about this.
I still made sure to give him time with me, and not just focus on my SO. He gets the majority of my time, yet still wants more time with me. I decided that we could have more time with my SO too so that she doesn’t feel left out.
Then he asked me, ‘Why is my mom not in my life, and your SO is?’ And I knew I had to drop the truth on him. I told him his mother was an addict and neglected him, and that’s why she isn’t in his life.
He didn’t believe me, he thought I was a liar and just simply didn’t like her, and he wanted to get in contact with his mom. I told him that she didn’t want anything to do with him, yet he still said I was a liar.
I told him to go to his room and watch TV, and I’ll see what I can do.
I sat down and thought about what would happen. I reached out to her, and she never answered me. I looked her up in the county jail in the area we used to live, and there she was.
Serving 4 years for substance usage, and she would get out in a month. I decided that if she was clean after 6 months then my kid could have contact with her.
She got out, and after a month, I got a call back from her, and she asked me what I wanted. I told her about my reaching out to her because my kid wanted contact, however, I am now waiting to see if she will stay clean.
She blew up on me and once she ended her tantrum, I hung up. She was still the same.
I went to go tell my son that he couldn’t have contact with her, and he was upset and now he isn’t talking to me.
Am I the jerk for not allowing my son to have contact with his mom?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and neither is your son.
He sounds so sweet. You should feel lucky to have a 12-year-old who wants to spend so much time with you.
Of course he’ll have questions and want communication with his mom. That’s normal. But it’s your job as his father to protect him. And it sounds like that’s what you’re doing.
Expect the push back and it may be time to get a good counselor to work through these big feelings with.
Finding out the truth about his mom is a lot to process.” thisismyfakeant
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you’re the jerk exactly, but you are making the situation worse. Your biggest problem (and where you’re a bit of a jerk) is waiting until he was 12 to tell him why his mom isn’t in his life.
But keeping him from contact is just going to push him towards her more. You’re better off facilitating some kind of limited and supervised contact.
Your son isn’t the jerk either. His desire is reasonable, and he’s 12.
Right now I’d say ‘no jerks here’, but with the caveat that you need to listen to your son’s needs and concerns and figure out how to safely meet them.” Internal_Progress404
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your son’s mom sounds like an absolute piece of work.
If she’s got a substance problem that intense that she was neglecting him and ended up in jail, then you’re entirely justified to prevent contact until she’s sober enough to be safe for a visit.
I think it would be important to your son that he gets to meet her so he can form his own opinion, but you’re justified in waiting until she’s been out and sober long enough for you to feel comfortable.
It’s a lot to drop on a kid, but it might be worth showing him the mugshot/charges so he knows you’re not just being petty and vindictive.” Baileythenerd
7. AITJ For Making My Husband Walk Back Home After He Insulted Me In Front Of Friends?
“My (23f) husband (39m) calls me manipulative. He says I gaslight him and isolate him from his friends. I always tell him to stop using that word so lightly and that just being in a disagreement does not mean I am a manipulator. This was never an issue when we were going out but once we got married he started doing the ‘old ball and chain’ bit.
He says I’m so controlling and I started getting fed up. I wouldn’t call myself controlling, I just have to constantly remind him to do chores since he never does anything in the household.
We were at a mall with friends, we looked at dishwashers.
He said if we get it I’ll maybe stop nagging him about the dishes and I’ll stop being manipulative. This was it, he insulted me in front of friends. I left with the car and he could find his way back home. He came back home at 3 am, I feel really bad for making him walk back.
AITJ?
UPDATE: We got married 3 months ago, and we met about two years ago due to my mother. She introduced me to him with the hopes we would fall in love. I didn’t see any history of bad behavior, he was extremely understanding all throughout our relationship.
Although the age gap was something big in our relationship, we communicated about it a lot when we were together.
We didn’t live together until the marriage, we both come from traditional families which didn’t allow it. When we moved in together, he started calling me manipulative for asking him to do chores, such as cleaning dishes, and folding laundry, all things I presume his mother would do for him.
He would claim it was manipulative because I would ask him to do the chores while he was often watching important games on the television. He claimed I was purposely distracting him. I left at around 7, and the mall closed at 8. The friends would not have been able to drive him back, because they take public transit, and the bus doesn’t arrive where we live.
He would maybe have been able to order an Uber, but it didn’t seem like he did.
People often asked if he went out with friends, that could have been a possibility but he did not seem intoxicated when he arrived home. I was worried about his late arrival, but I was so enraged by his words towards me, I couldn’t have cared less about his whereabouts.
I also asked him later about where he went and he replied that he was forced to ‘walk in shame’ and it really did take him that long (I’m aware it’s nonsense, but I didn’t want to push it any further). I am currently finishing my last year of university (I took a gap year) in business, so my income is pretty sparse.
The only thing I pay for regularly is the food. The bills, utilities, and gas are all paid by my husband. Many people are recommending that I divorce him, I don’t want to divorce over something so petty, and the age gap really does not bother me.
I will definitely look into marriage counseling thank you so much everyone for the help.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he wants you to do what he wants, basically be his uncomplaining maid. In order for you to be unable to tell him he is manipulating and controlling you and gaslighting you, he is using those words like crazy upon you first, so you are helplessly being able to fight back as he has already stolen your words to complain about his own behavior.
He chose you because your age group lacks the bad experiences to recognize a predator when they meet one and are very susceptible to love bombing.” Which_Pudding_4332
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Just on a basic issue, if your husband even once refers to you as ‘nagging him about the dishes’ there is a huge problem.
The dishes are equally his responsibility, the chores are equally his responsibility, and you are not his slave. And the fact that he is accusing you of gaslighting is classic gaslighting behavior on his part. He’s trying to make you feel bad for not accommodating him… and it’s working as you now feel bad for being angry at him.
I’d seriously consider getting out of a relationship with this manipulative child early and save yourself years of grief.” Pirate-Legitimate
Another User Comments:
“Your husband is 16 years older than you but acts like a selfish teenager. He likely pursued you because he wanted to control you and not have to deal with adult responsibilities that women his age would expect of him, like being a partner who shares in the maintenance of the home.
So now he is manipulating you and lying about you to his friends to get you to back down from telling him to clean up after himself. Your husband is the jerk and you are going to have to decide if you want to stay in a relationship with a man who thinks you should silently take his crap and be his full-time servant.
He is disrespectful and selfish and you can do better than him. NTJ.” Neonpinx
I fail to see the manipulation he's talking about. He sounds like a lazy toddler using a new word he heard without understanding the definition.
6. AITJ For Forcing My Parents To Stay At A Hotel?
“My husband and I have a 4 mo old baby and live in a 2 BR/1 bath apartment. We originally hoped to make the second room a nursery. However, both of our families live across the country and when they come to stay, it’s a minimum of a week.
Needless to say, it quickly became the guest bedroom.
We typically only allow 2 guests at a time. The only exception I’ve made is for my parents and younger sister who pressured me into an early visit a week after giving birth.
Shortly after, my parents requested to visit again with my grandmother.
I said yes but said that they would need to find accommodations elsewhere as we don’t have the room. My parents agreed and that was that. Two weeks ago, I FaceTimed my sister to wish her a happy birthday. After us chatting and her expressing she was excited to visit, I asked her where they decided on staying.
She froze and told me I’d have to talk to my mother about that.
My mother called two days later, asking ‘what is this about you asking (sister) if we’re staying at a hotel?’
I calmly reminded her that two months prior we discussed that she would need to find a place to sleep.
She asked if we could figure something out and not worry about their comfort. She started specifying where people would sleep. My parents were in the guest room, my sister on the air mattress somewhere, and my grandmother on the couch. Again, I told her it wasn’t about that, we just do not have the room.
We don’t even have enough furniture for people to sit on. She replied that my dad and sister could sit on the floor as it was only four days. She then went on to say they were experiencing financial difficulties. They had booked another trip elsewhere and funds were tight.
She felt that we were family and we would figure it out.
I started to cry from frustration and guilt. My mom became angry and asked what my problem was. I told her that, again, I want them to feel welcomed and wanted, but it was too much.
She told me to pull myself together and they would just book a hotel room and stop being dramatic. She ended the conversation within a minute after.
I feel both relieved they’re not staying with us, but awful that I put them in a tight spot and cried my way out of it.
AITJ for putting my parents out and forcing them to get a last-minute hotel?
EDIT: Guest Room & Visits: The reason why we turned it into a guest room is that we have family visits ~1x a month. Due to the nature of my husband’s occupation, we’ll more than likely be moving in less than six months.
I also have severe postpartum anxiety so my baby is constantly with me and co-sleeps with my husband and me.
With all of that in mind, we decided to use the space as storage and a guest room. I don’t mind when it’s my in-laws as they help with chores, fixing up the apt/cars, and will find things to do outside of the apartment to do instead of looking to be entertained. It’s honestly very helpful and I don’t feel stressed when they’re here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is boundary-stomping. You are never the jerk when you set a CLEAR boundary and stick to it. I am sorry your mom is trying to guilt you into letting her control you. She may be your mom, but you are NOT her puppet.
You are an adult with needs and you deserve to have your needs understood and RESPECTED by your family. Ask her if she raised you to be a child, then when she says no, tell her ‘good, then you DO understand I am an adult and that you cannot force me to be uncomfortable in MY OWN HOME.’ If she sends the flying monkeys out don’t give in.
You want to ENJOY her visit, not be miserable the whole time!” SageGreen98
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were clear two months ago about your expectations. You did not put your parents in a bad situation; they put themselves in one by assuming they could guilt you into meeting their wants, instead of holding fast to your needs.
You didn’t force your parents to book this trip. You didn’t force them to book a second trip somewhere else. Their decision to financially overextend themselves is all their own doing.
Also, as a parallel concern, anyone who would place their wants over the legitimate needs of a woman who is still recovering from carrying and birthing a child, as well as the sheer exhaustion the entire household experiences dealing with a newborn with no circadian rhythm, is an unsympathetic toad who shouldn’t be catered to anyway.” MrDarcysDead
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And where is your husband in all this? Unlikely he’s thrilled with all these people descending for a week at a time. And isn’t it harder to take care of yourself and your baby when your family is stressing you out rather than being respectful/helpful?
Maybe it will help your sense of guilt/responsibility to remind yourself you ARE prioritizing family by setting boundaries with your parents. Your new nuclear family. Your partner who made a commitment with you, your baby who is completely dependent on you.
Your mother isn’t a child, and she’s not your child.
Also, it’s interesting how your Mom’s feelings are marching orders and yours are just ‘drama’ according to her. You don’t have to buy into that.
I hope you’re also setting boundaries with coworkers and strangers, it’s easier because emotions aren’t running as high. Setting boundaries gets easier with practice, best wishes!” Sensitive-Eagle3641
5. AITJ For Not Asking My Mom To Buy Christmas Gifts For Our Kids?
“My mom and my wife have a pretty awkward relationship. I feel like they flat-out hate each other but try to fake it for me.
One of my wife’s boundaries is she and our children will never spend Christmas with my mom. I could if I wanted to, but obviously, I’m not going to leave my kids on Christmas, so we just don’t see my mom.
It makes me a little sad but it isn’t a huge deal. My mom never said anything about it, so I thought we were all good, but my wife recently brought up how she finds it weird that my mom never buys her grandchildren Christmas presents.
I said to be fair she doesn’t see them that often, probably doesn’t know what they are into, and never sees them over Christmas.
My wife said it was still weird. She pointed out how her grandparents never spend Christmas with us as they are old and live out of state, but still mail gifts.
She said it isn’t about the gifts but the principle and that my mom has no excuse as she is very financially comfortable. She asked me to gently bring it up and I said no.
I said it is embarrassing and I’m not going to go and beg my mom for Christmas gifts especially when we aren’t willing to spend holidays with her.
I feel it comes off as greedy and entitled. My wife is currently furious with me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your wife has alienated your mother from the family on Christmas – specifically!
Your wife complaining that your mother doesn’t send anything to your kids is ridiculous!
Your wife has cut this tie by her own choice – You need to explain this to your wife CLEARLY – she is trying to make waves between you and your mom by complaining about something SHE INSTIGATED. As your wife so kindly pointed out here – it is the principle that your wife has been a brat and is now complaining about the fallout she created – explain this to her!
YWBTJ if you don’t PUT A STOP TO THIS NOW! YOU SHOULD BE FURIOUS WITH YOUR WIFE – not the other way around!” MsJamieFast
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your wife is.
You haven’t indicated why Christmas is especially forbidden because unless there is some kind of severe dysfunctional behavior, families are generally able to keep it together for Christmas when there are children involved – or even if not so that the spouse can have time with their family on ceremonial days.
This is true whatever holiday is celebrated in a family as my family doesn’t celebrate Christmas but does get together on other holidays.
It is very sad that your wife is preventing your children from having a warm relationship with their grandparents because in general, these are very special relationships.
Again you haven’t stated why your wife is being so adamant about not spending Christmas with your mother – or not inviting her to spend Christmas in your home as an alternative.
Your mother could of course rise above this pettiness and send gifts to the children but it is her prerogative not to do so and asking her to send gifts is very tacky.
It is very sad that there is no real relationship between grandmother and grandkids – but hard to know exactly what the dysfunction is and why there can’t be some middle ground like having kids spend time with grandmother. Does she attempt to poison the relationship with their mother by making comments that are disparaging about your wife in front of them for example?” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here (except the kids) because ultimately the only ones suffering are the children because, ironically, no one seems to be mature enough to put their own feelings aside and consider how the kids might be feeling about Grandma not buying them gifts for Christmas, regardless of them visiting or not.
I would also implore you to consider why your wife refuses to allow your children to spend Christmas with your mother. I’m not sure if it could be things like how your mother raised you or something your mother has said to her (maybe you’re an interracial couple and your mom said something racist) – I just don’t know and here’s where I would be asking for more information, but I just wanted to emphasize that all y’all suck at this moment for not communicating at the expense of the children’s psyche.” Commercial-Record935
4. AITJ For Refusing To Remortgage With My Ex?
“Separated from my ex-wife nearly 8 years ago, divorced for 6. Still stuck on the mortgage because she can’t afford to buy me out. The mortgage fixed rate is due to end in a few days, and she’s been asking me to remortgage and I’ve been refusing.
I’m looking to buy a new house with my fiancee and because I’m still on the old mortgage with my ex, I’ve been struggling to get a lender to even look at us. Managed to get one lender on board and we’ve got an agreement in principle but the rates are sky-high (even compared to the usual 6.5% rates we’re seeing now) because it’s classed as a second property, and we’ve not got a huge deposit as my deposit is tied in with the old house which my ex can’t afford to give me.
Effectively, I’ve been stuck renting for the last 8 years because I’ve been unable to get a mortgage alone, and my partner has been out of work for the last 3 years to complete a degree, which is why we are now able to get a mortgage together.
As I see it, the last 8 years of renting have cost me a lot of equity that I could’ve built up over the years had I been able to buy when we first separated, and the fact that I’ve now got a ‘second home’ will cost me £10k in stamp duty as well, on top of the higher rates due to the existing mortgage.
Just being on the existing mortgage has cost me thousands of pounds.
As part of my divorce, the solicitor put in a formula for child maintenance which means I’m effectively paying £250 a month over what CMS (Cash Management Services) says I should based on how often I have the kids.
My offer was to remortgage on the agreement that I reduce my child maintenance to what CMS says, which I would then use to reduce what she owes me out of the property equity. She says she can’t afford this and would affect the kids, so said no.
As I see it, I’m effectively her guarantor for the mortgage so she can continue to live there (I pay nothing towards it btw) at the detriment of my own mortgage and finances. It’s costing me money on increased mortgage interest and stamp duty because of the ‘second home’ rules.
My equity is a defined sum in the divorce, and in the past 8 years the house value has increased by about £75k, but my £15k share of equity (currently £165k) has stayed the same as it was at the time of the divorce. So while I’m still on the mortgage, I’m gaining no benefit from it whatsoever.
I just want off the mortgage as soon as possible, hence my refusing to remortgage without being able to at least get back some of what I’m owed. Am I the jerk here for refusing to remortgage because it’s adversely affecting me in terms of monthly outgoings?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’ve been divorced for 6 years. Your divorce decree should have required your Ex to get your name off the mortgage.
Talk to your divorce lawyer. You need to legally require your Ex to get you off the mortgage. If that was already required and wasn’t done, your lawyer can help get it enforced. Also, your lawyer can help if you’re overpaying for support.
Do NOT make any side deals without a lawyer. And don’t remortgage the house. Your Ex, and her house, aren’t your responsibility any longer.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – it’s an inconvenience that your ex-wife and children have to have a house to live in and that you are paying more than the bare minimum to support those children.
Your argument that your children should have the bare minimum and that the house should be sold to help you and your new wife is lame.
No doubt when your children have to find another home, they will hold you responsible.” Fancy_Avocado7497
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So the part where you say your portion is defined as equity of 15,000. You say that won’t change even though the house value has increased. If you do for some reason agree to do the refinance with her I would at the same time rewrite that portion of it.
You get a higher cash-out, proportion, or something. Your take on reducing child support seemed like a reasonable compromise. If she can’t afford this house or maintain the kids’ standard of living with 250 less a month, then she’s living way too close to the edge and needs to come to terms with the fact that she needs to sell that house and make some changes.
It’s a part of life, the kids will get over it, and it’s not your fault.” dart1126
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you guys both need to take financial classes. You are not in a position to buy another house, your ex can’t afford your old home and you guys both can’t come to an agreement.
Best course of action would be for your ex to find a more affordable place, sell the old house and use that money to buy your new one.” zombiesatemybaby
3. AITJ For Prioritizing My Deceased Father Over My Mother-In-Law?
“I (29F) am married to ‘Jared’ (31M).
I guess for some necessary context, my father died when I was 11 on the 27th of October. It was obviously very traumatic for me, and I spent about 10 years avoiding visiting his grave at all. It’s only been in recent years that I find the strength to go, on his birthday (27 April) and his death day.
Jared knows this.
Jared’s mother, my MIL, has her birthday on the 1st of November. This obviously is very close to my father’s day of passing, but it’s never been an issue before because usually Jared and I are very prepared and get our gifts, etc weeks in advance.
This year, however, we’ve been a bit behind schedule. Both of our workplaces are understaffed, so we’ve been working day in and day out. We had agreed to go shopping this week, the only days we both had off were yesterday and Sunday. Yesterday of course being the 27th.
I was technically working yesterday, but I got out at 4 and picked up some flowers before I got home (I have a uniform so wanted to get changed). When I got inside, Jared asked why I had flowers because we were going shopping. I was confused because surely he knew I was going to the grave, but no, he assumed we were going to go get a gift for his mother.
I told him outright that I was going to the grave like I always did on the 27th – and that we could go shopping on Sunday. He got super mad, saying that I could go to the grave anytime, but we might not find anything good if we waited until Sunday and it was stupid of me to put my dead father before my very alive MIL.
This annoyed me in turn, and I told him he could shut up and go shopping if he wanted, but I was going on Sunday. Admittedly I was caught in the moment and regretted what I said later, but we haven’t spoken since. He did go shopping by himself though.
This might seem very stupid, but I have a lot of feelings about my father’s death that strangers don’t need to know – and visiting him on those two dates (birthday and death date) comfort me. He knows this, and he knew what day it was, so it just annoyed me.
I thought he was being irrational with his opinion of shopping on Sunday, but understand he was just stressed.
I don’t know though, maybe I was being slightly irrational myself, it is just a day, and it might’ve been selfish to put my dead father before my MIL and husband.
Came to ask if I’m the jerk because Jared is refusing to talk to me now, I tried talking last night and he ignored me – so communication isn’t working too great. Wanted other opinions on the situation.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband is acting in an appalling way.
Shopping is not a high-priority activity and can easily happen on another day. It’s bizarre and probably not coincidental that he would insist that it happen on the day you’re going to the gravesite when there is still ample time to buy a gift. Definitely seems like a power play of some kind.
Were we talking about your MIL’s actual party or something like that, he might have an argument, but shopping is something easily rescheduled that there seemed to be plenty of time for.
Don’t believe for a moment that this was ‘just stress’. This was deliberate and he actively insulted you.
He owes you a huge apology, but I don’t think you’re going to get one. Don’t just roll over and take treatment like this.” imothro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He could shop absolutely any day. It wasn’t like you were missing an important family event or something.
The fact that he put shopping over this very important date for you truly shines a light on his selfish side. I also think it is immature that he waited until that day to go shopping for his mom and that he needs you to pick out her gift. He needs to be able to shop for his own mother’s gift. It is not your responsibility.
However, as your husband, it is his responsibility to be supportive of you on the date of your father’s passing. I’m sorry, OP.” LiveLovelyLala
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but when discussing your shopping you could have mentioned to your SO that Saturday was the 27th so you would be going to the graveyard.
That means shopping would happen on Sunday. Maybe he thought the day was planned as you 2 spending some time together since it doesn’t seem like there has been much alone time lately. I understand why you wanted to go to the graveyard, but I also understand him being upset.
You both need to learn to communicate and specify what your plans are and your needs are so everyone knows what is going on. OP has wants and needs and so does he.” Dneyman859
2. AITJ For Reporting My Son's Teacher Who Brought Home His Confiscated Phone?
“Last week Friday my son (10) got his phone confiscated at school. He was mucking around with it during class and the school rules are clear about phone usage during class without permission so I totally understood. The normal protocol is that the phone would go to the office where it would be returned to the student at the end of the day or the next day.
His teacher however apparently forgot to stop by the office before going home after school so she accidentally took it home with her and through some negligence, the phone broke in the hands of her toddler. Admittedly she was very upfront about it and even came to our house personally to tell us what happened and apologize which I respect.
She suggested the repayment plan for the phone and offered an old phone of hers for him in the meantime but it was essentially a brick with a screen. After she left I sent an email to the school about everything simply because I think it’s something the school should also be involved in since she’s a teacher and easily took home a confiscated device albeit by mistake.
Received a response Monday morning apologizing for what happened and promising to address the issue.
So my SIL works at the high school but smokes with the teachers at the junior school which is where she bumped into this teacher who was mad and said that we were being jerks reporting it since she already promised to pay for the phone, offered an alternative and is a good teacher so we’re messing with her career unnecessarily.
So yeah, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Why her toddler got a hold of your son’s phone is indefensible. If she had accidentally brought it home, she should have dropped it off at your home before the chance of that happening even came into play.
She should have dropped it back off at the office and various other things that should have happened.
You calling the school doesn’t make you a jerk because she did this while under the employ of the school, and they are responsible for their employee’s actions.
The school should be buying a new phone and they can work out repayment between the teacher and themselves.
I was close to a ‘no jerks here’ judgment but the fact that she took it home and her toddler damaged it is what pushed me to the NTJ judgment.” ElectronHick
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I would guess that at least part of what she’s got into trouble for is approaching you to make a financial agreement privately without making the school aware. If an incident occurs where a teacher is in a position of obligation/debt to a student her management needs to know about it so there’s no opportunity for accusations or misunderstandings.
You making the school aware is protecting both your kid and the teacher involved. It was really unwise of her to put herself into this position – mistakes happen but if I were her manager I’d be having a conversation about the importance of making sure the school knows about them.” MoogOfTheWisp
Another User Comments:
“Soft NTJ
There are always situations where one party faults a verbal agreement, then the harmed party can’t do anything because they never signed a contract or told anyone. Most newer phones are upwards of $1k, which I’ll assume is true for your son’s phone since the teacher requires a payment plan.
I will say that it would have been better for the teacher to inform the school of her negligence so that they could have helped address this issue (Some schools would legally be responsible for this, which is likely why they’re upset with her).
I will say you should have informed the teacher that you planned on emailing the school regarding the situation so they weren’t caught off-guard and you could determine the best course of action. Going behind the teacher’s back after you’ve seemingly come to an agreement is a jerk move.
I only excuse it because of my first point.
In general, you definitely should talk to your child about being attentive in class to avoid this situation altogether.” Zealousideal_841
1. AITJ For Allowing My Brother To Visit Me While I Already Have A Visitor Over?
“My friend Mary came to visit this afternoon and was supposed to stay till tomorrow. We finished watching a movie at half past eleven p.m. and were just about to start getting ready for bed when my middle brother called to say he just got engaged and asked if he and his fiancée can come by my place for five minutes.
I congratulated them both and said sure, they’re both welcome here, I was just surprised that they wanted to drive all the way here at this time of night. My brother said they’re only a 20-minute drive away from me and they really want to come.
I told them Mary was with me so they wouldn’t be surprised, and told Mary everything.
She got anxious and angry. First, she asked ‘Remind me, how many times has he been engaged already?’ which surprised me and I said this is the first time and that she knows this.
Then she said she couldn’t understand what my brother was thinking, visiting people in the middle of the night. I told her he was just happy about the engagement and wants to share it. Then she said that she understands that, but she was tired and doesn’t want to deal with it.
I promised I’ll make sure the visit won’t be long and went to the restroom. She started getting more and more anxious, saying she’s had enough, it was late, he should know better, and that she was going back home (it takes one hour to drive to her place).
Within three minutes she changed her clothes, got all her things, and was out of my door, saying she was not angry with me but it was too much for her and she’s had enough of my brother.
Additional info: we’ve known each other for 18 years, she knows my brother and, as far as I know, they don’t have any conflict.
However, I’ve noticed in the past that she doesn’t like people talking about marriage, kids, and wedding-related stuff. She’s married. As far as I know, it’s a happy marriage.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all! Wow. It sounds like your friend has some major issues and is directing them at your brother and his relationship for some reason.
Your brother was excited about a huge moment in his life and they wanted to share it with you! Your friend should understand that. It’s a perfectly reasonable human response for siblings who are even remotely close to one another after a life-changing milestone.
Also, I can’t help but think that you never seemed to say or do anything to indicate to your friend that she wouldn’t be welcome to stay!
She seemed to feel like she would be in the way and removed herself when I’m sure she could have just stuck around until your sibling and their partner left. This is just a very strange response on her part.” BugCatcherSmeags
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with ‘no jerks here’.
It’s understandable you would want to see your brother. The fact he got engaged is a big thing and obviously, you want to congratulate him.
That being said I don’t think your friend is the jerk either, for not wanting to deal with a late-night visitor.
Especially as you have even said you were about to get ready for bed anyway.
Yea she overreacted by deciding to leave. But that was her choice. You never told her she had to leave because he was visiting, so there is no way you can be classed as the jerk.” AyenDrkwing
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but something does not add up here. ‘How many times has he been engaged?’ WHAT??? If this is his first engagement, that comment makes zero sense. Either she’s unhappy in her marriage or she’s in love/was in love with your brother, or both.
Or maybe they had a secret thing that you never knew about it where it ended badly. Hopefully, you get some answers because she was super rude. She really easily could’ve gone into a different room or gone to bed while you waited up for your brother.” misstiesa
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, except your guest.
Do you really think your brother was going to drive for 20 minutes for a five-minute visit? That visit would have lingered on quite a bit longer.
And you and your guest were getting ready for bed. Even if the visit was a mere five minutes, that means she has to get dressed again, stay up for the visit, then get changed again.
That’s at least 45 minutes delay in bed when she’s already tired. Possibly more.
Your brother was rude for planning, at 11 pm, to come to visit at 11:30 pm. (Or was it planning, at 11:30 when calling when your movie finished, to be there near midnight?)
You were rude for not considering your guest, and suggesting planning a visit at a reasonable hour.
Or at least ask if she was okay with this new plan if you really wanted her to stay.
She was not rude for excusing herself when she wanted to go to bed, and you started making plans that would have kept her up considerably longer.
When you’re tired and already getting ready for bed, one doesn’t have the energy to suddenly deal with people coming over. If you felt up for it, that’s fine, but you can’t expect your friend to stay for a midnight family reunion.” Jazzlike_Humor3340
