People Are Ashamed Of Past Actions In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Telling My Wife To Do More Housework Or Get A Job?
“My wife (23F) and I (24M) have been together for about eight years and married for two.
We got married right after college and moved away from our hometown where we both grew up to get away from our families and be on our own. We both have good degrees, and I got a job immediately and worked fully remote from home.
She had graduated a semester earlier than me and had been working full-time at a terrible job so she wanted to take a break for a while so she could relax and mentally reset. I thought that was reasonable because I made decent money and even though we were in an expensive city we could be comfortable even if we weren’t saving anything and she agreed to get a job after a month.
This did not happen. On top of not getting a job, she would not do any chores or housework other than getting groceries and cooking most meals. She also wanted to go on weekend getaways or go to expensive restaurants and I said we couldn’t afford it.
She would say I’m denying her happiness and I’m repressing her and just want her to be a housewife. Nothing is further from the truth, I wanted her to go to work. I told her since I was the only one working, she should be the one doing most of the chores too which she got offended again.
She eventually got a decent job (Oct ’22).
During this time things were better because I would do chores after work but before she got home from her job. During this time, we both decided to go back to school to get master’s degrees. Then she decided to quit her job in Nov ‘23 and once again said she wanted to take a break, but she said it would only be a week before she started applying to jobs.
As of writing this (Apr ’24), she has not done anything. I do all the chores and housework while she gets groceries and cooks meals. She also failed out of her master’s program, so she really has nothing to do.
So, I have to start my day really early so I can get everything done and hopefully have an hour or two where I can relax.
I told her that it is unfair for me to do all of the chores when I do so much already, and she has nothing going on. She says it is inconsiderate and said other reasons that I stopped listening to her. Also, she wants to travel all over and do this and that and I keep saying no because we can’t afford it so if you want to do it then get a job.
To which she gets angry and says she is in her early 20s and hasn’t done anything worthwhile and the last job she had was taxing on her mental health and makes her hesitant to get a new job. I totally understand that but don’t know how to get across to her that I too want to travel and do all these things but we can’t do it if we don’t have the money so you can’t have it both ways.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but for your own sake you need to consider seeing a lawyer and a therapist. A therapist will help you to see your situation clearly. A lawyer will guide you in terms of your options. This woman is using you.
She is smart enough to get through college so she is smart enough to know that in order to live the lifestyle she wants, she needs $. That means work. It is incredibly selfish of her to expect you to solely shoulder that responsibility. To add insult to injury, she expects you to take on the lion’s share of maintaining the home.
Who cares if work takes a toll on her? It takes a toll on everyone including you. Is she concerned about your mental health? Does vacuuming and doing laundry make her cry? Is she really that weak? Do you really want to tie yourself to a leech for the remainder of your life?
You deserve better.” Pleasant_Test_6088
Another User Comments:
“So your wife is not doing anything? Little housework – as little as possible. Not working? And you didn’t agree on that? And you don’t have kids to look after? Sorry but this is a situation where you should split the finances.
Your wife doesn’t sound like she has any idea of the cost of living. Tell her that she has one month to at least apply for jobs – even part-time. And that you will get your own bank account (if you don’t have one). That your wage will go there and you are going to pay for rent and stuff until she has a job to split the costs 50/50.
But she will get no spending money. You never agreed to be a provider for the family while she is doing nothing and you have to work to support the two of you and do all the housework.” Trevena_Ice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This has nothing to do with gender roles or unreasonable expectations, simply equal household duties in whatever capacity.
You’re both very young, so I think the period of anxiety and aimlessness she’s going through is normal for her age. But that’s still not a good excuse to turn yourself into a burden. Especially if she’s not also making significant strides toward figuring herself out through therapy and/or alternative actions.
She needs to understand that her situation is not JUST impacting her, but you also. How her productivity sabbatical is taxing on YOUR mental health and that your feelings on the matter are valid, also. The anxiety of not being able to put money away every month, the extra labor of chores in addition to your own job, the concern you have for her… let her know that you feel like your mental health is being ignored or sacrificed for the sake of hers.
She’s either failing to see or understand that, or doesn’t care.” consolelog_a11y
20. AITJ For Changing My Apple ID Password After My Sister Refused To Get Her Own?
“So my sister (22f) has used my (25f) Apple ID for years. Sometimes our phones will totally sync, she will get all of my texts, photos, and calls, and I would get hers.
I have mentioned multiple times over the years that she needs to get her own account so I don’t have to worry about it anymore, but she refuses to do so.
For a little context, I moved far away from home after graduating, and currently wait tables as a survival job.
My sister is in her senior year of college for engineering. She doesn’t have a job 80% of the year, but during holiday breaks and some weekends, she will wait tables at her old restaurant. So, she has been mostly financially supported by our mom through college.
About 10 days ago our phones synced and she got my entire camera roll and texts. She had bought a new iPad and linked it to my Apple ID, causing the sync-up. She calls me and tells me to delete everything that I don’t want her seeing, and I beg her to make her own account.
She says she will in 6 weeks when she graduates because she’s too stressed out right now.
Towards the end of the week, she texts me that she is getting all of my texts again, and I tell her to fix it. She says that she is busy and that I need to wait until the next day.
I’m livid and tell her she needs to do it now. She calls me a jerk and says if it’s really such a problem then I need to deal with it myself. So I got on my account and kicked off every device that was using it and changed the password.
She starts blowing up my phone with calls. When I answer, she’s hysterical. She went on about how terrible of a sister I am, that I have never supported her college career, that she has more friends than I do, made fun of my career choices, and so on.
She kept saying that if I don’t give her my password that I’m not allowed at her graduation and she doesn’t want anything to do with me. I told her that she’s messed up for holding our relationship over my head over something like this, and that she wasn’t going to get her way by being mean and manipulative.
I decide to change the password to my email and Amazon account (she has a history of “accidentally” using my credit card for her Amazon purchases). And this is when I find out that 2 days prior she opened an Apple Credit Card using MY Apple ID, and purchased a $1,500 laptop with a 12-month payment plan.
It’s her name and social security on the card, it won’t affect my credit, but it’s connected to my account that she no longer has access to. This credit card cannot be transferred to another account, payments cannot be made without the Apple ID login, and you can only have 1 card per account.
She never mentioned this card, I can see now that her laptop was getting my texts and pics for 3 days before she said something. I told her that this puts me in a bad position, and she told me I was dramatic and selfish. Our mom also thinks I’m being dramatic, but she hasn’t heard my side of the story.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Oh no, you are NTJ. Chance after chance you have given her to fix this. The credit card? They may not be able to transfer it, but they may be able to open one for her under her own Apple ID and move the balance.
Or she can open her own ID, get a loan for the laptop, and transfer the balance. I wouldn’t assume that because she used her name and SSN that it won’t come back to you. Do you want to take the chance that she will be on your credit report forever?
My dad has some guy with the same first and last names. The first names are spelled differently & different middle names. He has been dealing with this guy’s credit on his for FIFTY years. Dad almost didn’t graduate because the dude’s transcript got merged with his.
Does your sister want to risk the chances of your name on her credit? You are going to anger everyone, but I would consider letting Apple know it isn’t your card. Tell them your sister accidentally used the wrong Apple ID.” Back-to-HAT
Another User Comments:
“ESH you are 25 years old and allow a 22-year-old access to your personal information and financial accounts!! This is not something that should have been allowed from the start. If she was a kid then you should have helped her make her own account. Thankfully you have started being sensible.
Do not allow her access again under any circumstances. Regarding the payments for the laptop, she will have to transfer the payments to your bank account and you will need to pay. Serves her right if she is inconvenienced, unfortunately, you are too.” Maximoose-777
Another User Comments:
“She needs to call Apple and make it right. It’s entirely on her. And if something happens with her computer, she won’t be able to access Apple care either. It’s her mess, she can spend the hour or two fixing it on the phone. I cannot believe you let it go on so long.
She had no intention of changing over, she committed to a year.” 2dogslife
19. AITJ For Insisting On Wearing A Black Wedding Dress Despite My Grandma's Wishes?
“I want to start by saying that I don’t really have a good relationship with my family. My mother is a narcissist and my father is nothing but a spineless enabler and I’ve cut all contact with my parents as soon as I could. There is however one person in my family that I care about and it’s my grandma from my mom’s side.
I’m her 1st grandkid and I lived all my childhood next to her, so we would see each other very often. I spent many days and nights with her and we’re very close.
Now, the story: My future husband (29M) and I (26F) are the opposite of traditional. You could consider us goth/punk.
I almost exclusively wear black, my husband has a red punk mohawk, we both have piercings and tattoos, we have pet rats, you get the picture. As such, we don’t want a fancy traditional wedding and I want to wear a black wedding dress.
It will be a small wedding, only close family and close friends (which means, on my side of the family, there will only be my grandma) so if one of the guests makes a scene, it will be pretty obvious.
I gave the invitation to my grandma and she was over the moon. We talked about wedding preparation and came to the subject of the dress. I showed her the style of dresses I wanted and, of course, they are all black. Her face dropped. She told me that she would never attend a wedding where the bride is dressed in black, that it’s disrespectful (?), and that she wanted to help financially with the wedding but if I’m wearing black, I can forget it.
I told her fine, don’t come then, and I don’t want her financial help anyway. Again, it’s a small wedding, we planned what we could afford, no help needed.
Now, I have phone calls and angry messages from all sides of my family because “How can I deny my grandma of seeing her first granddaughter get married?” “It was my grandma’s dream to see me walk down the aisle in a white wedding dress” and “Would it really kill me to wear a real wedding dress?”
I try talking with my grandma. She had seen me since I was a teen wearing only black, she knows my taste in clothes, she likes my punk fiancé, she even went to our house and she always seemed accepting of my style. I don’t know how she expected me to wear white on my wedding day.
But she won’t budge. If I wear a black dress “she will not come and she will never forgive me.”
I want her to be here and I could wear a white dress, or even a light gray dress. After all, it’s not about what you wear but who you’re marrying.
But my dress is pretty much the only thing I don’t want to compromise on.
Now I’m wondering if I would be the jerk for still wearing black on my wedding day.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. For the life of me, I cannot understand why others feel the need to demand how a bride/groom gets married. Unless she is contributing financially, she has no say in what you wear.
And to “never forgive” you? Like you need forgiving? Sad that your grandma, who you seem to be close to, would make this such a stupid hill to die on!” Ok_Conversation9750
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk. As someone whose dream wedding is all my guests in white and me in a blood-red dress, I totally get not wanting to compromise.
It’s your wedding, the one day that should be all about you and the person you love! My advice is to talk to your grandma. Fact dump all over her about how white dresses are actually a very recent tradition. And if she tries to guilt you out of the dress do it right back at her.
Say you would be so hurt if the woman you love the most in the world wasn’t there for your wedding because of a dress, and how it’s her decision not to go. Also, invite her to try dresses on, I recommend talking to the store before to make sure they have the kind of dresses you want and that they won’t let her close to any white dress.
And this one depends on how good of an actress you are but I would try a white dress saying something like “since you want to see me in white so much here it goes”. Choose the ugliest dress that fits you the worst and have the saddest face ever.
And follow it with your favorite black dress. A little dramatic I know but it might just help.” Prestigious-Agent-20
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wedding, your dress – especially since you’re the one who’s paying for it all. If you let Grandma dictate what you wear to your own wedding, Grandma is only going to have more demands.
She’ll want a traditional church wedding that’s in line with her beliefs, she’ll want you to remove your piercings and cover your tattoos, she’ll want you to wear conservative makeup that matches the traditional white dress, she’ll want your fiance to shave off his mohawk, etc. All so you can fit her picture-perfect idea of how a wedding should look.
The white wedding dress “tradition” is actually very recent, and wasn’t widely adopted until after World War 2. 100 years ago, it was quite common for brides to wear dark-colored wedding dresses, although red was the most popular color in most of Europe. If your nicest dress was black, it was perfectly acceptable to wear it for your wedding!
White only became popular because it was a way to show off wealth back when clothing was expensive and there were no washing machines. So there’s nothing “disrespectful” or “untraditional” about a black wedding dress. It sounds like you and your grandma have a good relationship, so I think she’ll probably relent.” shinkouhyou
18. AITJ For Telling My Stepdad My Tattoo Is My Choice?
“I (17f) recently got a tattoo, it’s a small heart+semicolon on my arm and it’s not really visible unless you really try to look for it.
First I did talk to my mom about it, and since she does know the tattoo’s meaning she’s getting a similar one, kinda like matching tattoos. And I paid for it myself.
Well, the problem is whenever my stepdad can, he brings up how he didn’t approve of it and how I should get it removed because I didn’t talk that out with him.
He said I already have a piercing (on my bottom lip) and the tattoo is too much. I told him it’s my choice and if my mom agrees he shouldn’t say anything.
Well, now my mom said I’m the jerk and thinks I should apologize.
But I don’t see where I’m wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“I, like your stepdad, am very much against tattoos. But that’s the thing about them – it’s a personal choice. This is your body, nobody else’s. You can’t stop him or anyone else from having an opinion.
But they have no right to control your actions or your body. For him to complain that he didn’t approve of your tattoo is inappropriately controlling. Clear NTJ. If you want tattoos, get them.” ironchef8000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your body is your choice.
Spend your money how you want to. The only approval you ever needed was from your mom, and you got that. Your stepdad can go pound sand. If he doesn’t respect your bodily autonomy, he doesn’t respect you. I’m sorry you’ve been put in this awkward situation.” BeardManMichael
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your stepdad is the jerk for thinking his opinion extends outside his own physical. He has no control over your choice of what to do with your body – not to mention that’s your STEPdad. Also, if your mom is getting one too, how would he deny that for both of y’all?
That’s his wife. Just don’t listen to him. It’s just an opinion but that doesn’t have to affect you unless you guys can have a mature conversation about choices and expectations and come to an agreement.” Gullible-Move69
17. AITJ For Not Allowing My Ex To Take Our 3-Year-Old For The Weekend?
“For context, I am a single mother who was awarded full custody of both my boys 13 and 3. My ex moved 5 states away almost 4 years ago.
We had a very toxic marriage and it took me a while to get out of the fog and stop feeling like I owed him anything. My ex tried to make it up to our 13-year-old to maintain a relationship with him. My ex came back a year after he left and spent the summer here and spent time with his kids in 2021.
Our kids have not seen him since.
The following spring, my ex was trying to convince my oldest to come down to his state and spend the summer with him. When we divorced, our parenting time agreement was written as “agreeable on both parties” but it didn’t specify where our children’s main residence was.
I advised with a lawyer and was told that if the agreement didn’t specify that the children resided with me then there was no guarantee that our eldest would return after summer.
My ex doesn’t place any importance on school, he isn’t good at maintaining structure.
In addition, he is the definition of a narcissist but that is a story for another time. The fact he could attempt to keep our oldest and not return him after the summer scared me. I filed for editing the parenting time agreement to reflect that I was the primary caregiver and where their residence was and to list their school as advised by the lawyer.
The court held a hearing which I attended in person and my ex attended via Zoom. My ex showed his narcissistic side blatantly and expressed how he shouldn’t have to answer to anyone on when he has his kids and openly admitted he hadn’t seen our kids in 9 months.
The judge scheduled a trial for a few months later to edit the parenting time agreement per his own admission of circumstance changes.
My ex-MIL is a massive enabler of my ex and I feared she would help finance an attorney for him so I decided I needed to hire one.
I didn’t have any extra money but I found a way to hire the best most sought-after Family Lawyer in our county. After 2 sessions of the trial, the judge awarded me full legal and full physical custody. She granted my ex visitation 1 weekend a month in my state.
My ex has not executed visitation once since the order was put in place in October of 2022.
Now for the current issue. My ex called me a month ago and said he is coming back to my state to visit with his parents due to some of his dad’s health issues.
He mentioned taking the boys for a weekend and I am struggling with allowing him to take our youngest with him. He has only been around our youngest about 7 months of his life and he hasn’t seen him in 2.5 years. Our youngest doesn’t really know who he is, even when he was around, he didn’t spend any quality time with our youngest. He doesn’t like young kids because they require too much attention and “can’t take care of themselves”.
WIBTJ if I don’t allow him to take our youngest child for the weekend?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Given his history of inconsistency, lack of involvement, and admitted disinterest in young children, you really should have concerns about your child’s well-being and safety. Your priority is to protect your child and ensure their best interests are met.
It’s clear that your ex has not made a concerted effort to establish a meaningful relationship with your youngest, and it wouldn’t be fair to subject your child to potential confusion, discomfort, or emotional distress by thrusting them into an unfamiliar situation with someone they barely know.
It’s important to prioritize your child’s emotional and physical safety above all else. Trust your instincts as a parent and do what you feel is best for your child’s well-being. Your child’s safety and happiness should always come first.” VictoriaVanillaLace
Another User Comments:
“NTJ/YWNBTJ.
Your 3-year-old is not going to see this guy as “Daddy” who he’s excited to see, but as a strange man taking him from mama and home if you did let your ex have both kids for the weekend. If your 13-year-old wants to go with his dad, that’s fine and he should get to, but 3 needs you there for security and safety.
Narcissists tend to be very difficult and unpleasant if they don’t get their way, so hold strong in the face of whatever he flings at you to punish you for thwarting him. Also, be prepared for the fact that he will very likely trash talk you to 13, and 13 may come home moody, angry, embarrassed, or otherwise confused and in his feelings.
He’ll get past it if you’re patient and don’t demand he tattle on Dad. He knows who has been there and who has not. You got this!” notashroom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for being nervous but his visitation rights may complicate this. You may have to let him do it if he ticks all the boxes…in your state, just the weekend, etc. However you could emphasize to him that the toddler is “still a baby, still needs to be taken care of, a bit of a handful still, like babies are!” He might decide he doesn’t want to bother and the problem will solve itself.” IllTemperedOldWoman
16. AITJ For Telling My Partner He's Spending Too Much Time At The Gym?
“I’m a 25F living with my 27-year-old partner. He moved in almost a year ago because we knew we wanted to get married and wanted to see how compatible we were as roommates first and get a chance to spend more quality time together.
We have two dogs together who are very cute but need to be walked and exercised regularly. He works remotely and I WFH 2 days a week and am in the office for the other 3 days.
We have never been the fittest, but lately, as part of an effort to be healthier, we signed up to run a race (which is only 2 months away).
I’m doing a half marathon and he is running the full marathon. He invited a friend to do the full with him, so they’re training together. Lately, they have been meeting at the gym or parks to run together.
Situation: He’s really enjoying the training and wants to now do a triathlon in August. So in addition to his running workouts (6 days a week) where he meets his friend to run, he is now also adding separate trips to a different gym to swim and bike.
The past few weeks this has meant he is at a gym/working out for ~3 hours after work.
I’m happy that we’re prioritizing our health and fitness because this is really important in the long run, but his excessive workouts and time at the gym have started to negatively affect me.
I feel like I’m picking up the slack around the house by spending more time cleaning, cooking all of our meals, walking both dogs, and still doing my training for my half marathon too.
I shared how I have been feeling and told him he was spending too much time at the gym.
He said that he thought I was being unreasonable and not being supportive of his fitness goals. I feel like it’s not fair to me to expect me to do everything around the house so he can train every day when I am doing a race too (and he didn’t ask me first).
I shared some triathlon training plans I found online which recommend one long workout a week not doing a long workout 4-6 days a week. Also separately I think this is not sustainable for him and he’s going to get injured.
I miss spending quality time together and feel like I’m so busy doing stuff around the house and he’s gone so much that I don’t get to spend quality time doing stupid stuff together like watching TV or puzzles or walking the dogs together.
Am I the jerk for speaking up about how much time he is spending at the gym and working out lately?”
Another User Comments:
“How is it spoiling his fun to not want the person you’re in a relationship with to be out of the house most evenings, whatever they are doing?
Kudos to you both for getting fitter but it’s not unreasonable to want your partner home some nights. I also think it’s wrong that he’s dropped all your shared chores and left you to pick up the slack. I know a lot of people who marathon run and none train like this on a permanent basis.
Two compete in Ironman competitions and even they don’t train almost every night. He may be becoming addicted to training. The adrenaline rush of it all? I don’t know but I think you’re right to be upset and the fact he’s dismissed that is a red flag.
I’d think long and hard about tethering yourself to someone who finds it unreasonable you want to spend time with them and don’t want to act as their servant. Good luck with the half marathon.” Cwtchfairy1979
Another User Comments:
“This is classic man prioritizes his own hobbies over real life.
If you’re doing more around the house stop cleaning up after him. Realistically though, you moved in to find out if you are compatible – spoiler from a decade older woman, if he doesn’t listen and address the imbalance in household chores and dog care, you aren’t.
The exact reason is somewhat irrelevant – you are both entitled to hobbies and fitness, you both have to work, and you both have to contribute fairly to the running of the house and any dependents. And the priority activity in all of that is NOT the amateur fitness and hobbies.
NTJ.” evelynsmee
Another User Comments:
“He has provided you with good information about himself: he kind of expects you to be the mom, clean up, be supportive of his goals at the expense of your own, and other things that indicate he might not really be very mature.
You seem to be right in asking about household responsibilities and time together. It sounds like he has already started to take you for granted. You should put off getting married, at the very least; and ok to be “supportive” if he’s willing to pay for a housekeeper a couple of hours a week.
And, after the triathlon, you’ll ask for his support at a similar level when you take on a project that will similarly engage your time. If he says ok, AND follows through, he might be a keeper. If he fusses and sabotages you, then you know your next step.” Anenhotep
15. AITJ For Not Letting Neighborhood Kids Use Our New Trampoline?
“We purchased a large trampoline for our kids for Christmas. They are elementary-aged and have a baby sibling. We made a rule that the neighborhood kids can’t jump on it, but they all think that’s not fair and our kids don’t understand either.
Background – We have a large property that has a lot of houses bordering it. Kids often congregate on our property because we have so much space and so many “toys.” While it was novel at first to have a group of kids available to play, some of them are literally at our house daily.
They get our bikes out, swing from trees or the playset, and leave outdoor toys everywhere. Things regularly get broken, but with 7 neighbor kids, no one is willing to own up to who did it. It has gotten so out of control that we don’t know how to re-create the boundary, and often feel annoyed with all of them – even though it’s just kids enjoying childhood.
What a conundrum!
I want our trampoline to last for the baby to enjoy. This was an easy “no” for safety reasons. AITJ? What would you do?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but a trampoline is what’s called an attractive nuisance: if one of the kids is playing on that thing and hurts himself, you can be liable even if you specifically told him not to do it.
Trampolines are dangerous, even though they don’t look especially dangerous, so you need to put the trampoline into some sort of condition where it cannot be used and nobody can hurt themselves on it when it is not in use. It’s just like if you have a pool in your yard it has to be appropriately fenced off, so you either need to fence off or put away the trampoline.” mifflewhat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Step 1 is a small lock to hold the zipper closed and a little sign that says no kids without adult supervision so you are protected from liability. Step 2 is to talk to all the parents and say that you can’t have their kids in your yard anymore unless you yourself are out there overseeing it because too many things have been broken and there are safety and liability concerns.
Maybe you could have one day of the week or every other week where you promise to be there and basically have “office hours” where they can come and play with everything during your on-duty time. But the rest of the time you need them gone.
It may feel extreme but kids have real problems with fluid rules, they need solid dependable rules with structure backing them up. “You can use this toy but not this toy and you are allowed here but not here” reads to a kid like “you are allowed here only on the blood moon or the 12th sabbath unless it’s a leap year and your mother is a barrister.” It’s too confusing.
One solid rule of “nobody allowed without my supervision” is clear and tangible enough to make sense to them.” Big_Zucchini_9800
14. AITJ For Not Telling My Best Friend About My Marriage?
“4 years ago I eloped with my partner and got married with no one in attendance. We are very private and didn’t tell anyone. We’d been together for 5 years prior and this marriage was more of a formality for us rather than a celebration.
Recently, my best friend (Meredith) and I were having a conversation about marriage where I casually mentioned that I was married and had been for years. This completely caught Meredith off guard and it totally offended her that I’d kept this information from her.
She felt betrayed and questioned our friendship.
I tried to explain that the marriage decision was between myself and my partner and we hadn’t excluded her on purpose, we just wanted the day to be about only us. No one was invited. I also tried to explain that I hadn’t told her about it all these years because it was never a big deal to me or something I felt needed to be announced.
Meredith has known me and my partner prior to us getting married and after. We’ve always been close friends. I believe she is hurt that I never told her I was married in all the years we’ve been friends. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s perfectly fine to elope and invite nobody. Your choice. It’s perfectly fine for you to want to keep that information to yourself and not share it with anyone. Your choice. By making that choice, however, you accept that you’ve excluded all of your loved ones from an aspect of your life.
You’re trying to blend “privacy” with “not a big deal to me”. That is a lie. You wouldn’t have kept it secret all these years if privacy wasn’t a big deal. Then to casually mention it in conversation with no tact and no prep and no consideration of how someone who cares about you would feel?
OF COURSE SHE FEELS HURT AND EXCLUDED!” scrapples000
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. What did I just read? “I tried to explain that the marriage decision was between myself and my partner and we hadn’t excluded her on purpose, we just wanted the day to be about only us.
No one was invited. I also tried to explain that I hadn’t told her about it in all these years because it was never a big deal to me or something I felt needed to be announced.” This whole paragraph is a lie. 1. You did exclude her and literally everyone else you knew on purpose.
That’s the whole reason to elope, so that nobody is there. 2. If it wasn’t a big deal then why have you told literally nobody about it? This whole story seems super sus.” COLGkenny
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You don’t owe your friend any information.
But you can’t pretend that announcing a marriage is surprising or unusual to you. Hiding a marriage is in fact a surprising move. If there was no reason to hide the marriage why did it take years for it to come up in conversation with your best friend?
It’s a pretty big secret to keep from those closest to you. And you don’t get to determine how others feel when they realize you didn’t trust them and withheld that information.” MyTh0ughtsExactly
13. AITJ For Refusing To Take In My Neglectful Mother?
“My (34F) mother (59F) has not worked for the last ~30 years. When we were little, Dad worked and she was a SAHM. She refused to work even when we were older; I remember my parents fighting about it.
After their divorce, mom remarried almost instantly and relied on her (much older) husband, who died last year leaving everything for his adult kids and almost nothing for her.
After the death of her second husband, Mom moved in with my brother and his wife.
She was supposed to look after their kids while they worked. This didn’t work out, and they are kicking her out, which is totally my mom’s fault. I told her multiple times this would happen if she continued to act like she did. She was extremely mean to SIL, tried to run their household, acted like the queen, and refused to watch the kids full-time, which was their original agreement (she only watched them like half a day twice a week, and when she did, she neglected them, like not changing a poopy diaper for god knows how long because she was hoping SIL would be back soon and do it, which resulted in the baby getting a very nasty rash, etc., etc.).
Now she wants to move in with me. She’s claiming she’d help with the kid (I have a 2yo). I told her no, I saw what happened to my brother and SIL; you caused major issues in their marriage, and I will not risk it.
After all, you always told us adult children should never live with their parents (yes, we were both kicked out at 18 right after we finished school). She started crying and saying she doesn’t have anywhere to go (she has until the end of the month to leave my brother’s house).
I told her neither did I when she kicked me out at 18, and I went to live on my friend’s couch, but I worked and eventually rented a room, so I guess that’s what she should do—that’s what everyone else does. She asked me to at least pay her rent until she gets back on her feet; I said no, you’re a healthy working-age person, you should not be freeloading (that’s exactly what she told me when I was 18).
We had a very big fight, but I refused to let her move in or give her money. I’m sure she should still have some from her inheritance, and I know for a fact my brother gave her money, so I didn’t feel guilty at all.
Now, multiple relatives are texting me, basically saying SIL and I are horrible people. Mom’s dead husband’s son called to scold me, telling me my mom is my responsibility and not theirs, so I should do what’s right. I do not feel guilty, but perhaps that’s what makes me the jerk?
Am I? I do feel bad about people claiming I’m a bad daughter. Mainly because my mother was never a model mom herself, she never put her kids first and was generally disinterested in us unless she needed something. I mean, if she were nice, I’d be happy to have her near.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have the benefit of knowing exactly how she will act. If you take her in, you’ll probably suffer every single day until you kick her out. Depending on how much money your brother gave her and how much she got from the inheritance, I might consider kicking in a little extra just to completely wash my hands of the situation, but you’re totally justified in giving her nothing.
And the fact that she’s similarly pestering and guilting her husband’s son does not make this your problem.” fungibleprofessional
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This may help you with those relatives: To mom’s stepson: “You are absolutely correct that my mom is not your responsibility.
Is she begging you to help her out? You should know that (what you’ve explained here). Please understand that she has a long history of mooching off of others and playing the victim/trying to shame someone to get free living out of other people.
You can feel free to block her.”
To relatives: “You had no problem when mom kicked me and brother out at 18 and expected us to work and pay our way in this world. Your family values/culture may be the reason mom feels entitled to be a long-term mooch—and a mean and lazy one, at that.
You are welcome to support her and her mindset with your own financial resources. Otherwise, stay as quiet as you did when my brother and I were kids.” And then, OP. You can block anyone who persists in trying to dump responsibility for your mom on you.
I’m sorry for you and your brother having such a selfish, mean mom.” swillshop
Another User Comments:
“Ahhhh the consequences of one’s actions. Your mom is a peach. It sucks, but it is what it is. Even in the midst of this, she can’t keep her agreements.
You think someone with no options would be more helpful. This is why being a SAHM wife is tricky and dangerous. Breadwinners die in loving relationships all the time. There should always be a plan in place for the stay-at-home person. This is what happens when there isn’t.
This is why the tradwife fantasy is just that…a fantasy.” lipgloss_addict
12. AITJ For Grounding My Daughter For Lying About Our Background?
“My husband (45M) and I (47F) have 2 children, Madison (13F) and Boyet (11M). Both of our kids were born in and lived in the Philippines until we moved to the U.S. last summer. My husband and I are both white, my parents moved from the U.S.
to the Philippines for work when I was 5, and I lived there ever since and I got my citizenship in 2008. My husband came for college, which is where we met.
Madison and Boyet have always been very different, Boyet is a social butterfly, he had many friends from school and basketball and loved the Philippines, he was born with a more traditionally “white” American name, but as a toddler asked to be called Boyet and has always been known as that by friends and we are currently looking into an official name change.
Madison is much more introverted and never embraced her surroundings, she was never bullied but she didn’t really like growing up there.
Both of our kids are fluent in Tagalog, English and Italian. They used Tagalog and English with peers and learned Italian from my husband’s Italian-American family.
My kids now go to a private middle school in the U.S. The school is demographically plurality Asian-American and they’re learning Mandarin.
Boyet has adjusted well to his new school and quickly made friends through sports and school.
Madison also has made some new friends, but at a slower pace.
My husband and I went to a Lunar New Year festival last weekend where a lot of the students and parents from their school were there.
My husband and I were introducing ourselves to some parents and one of them asked if we missed Mississippi.
We were really confused as neither of us had been there. Then, another set of parents asked us if it was hard moving from the South. We told them we weren’t from there.
One of the dads told us that Madison told her daughter and other kids we were from Mississippi and even had a Southern accent.
Madison was with us and quickly told us she needed to use the bathroom after he mentioned that.
We asked what was going on, and found everything out. Madison had fabricated an entire story about how we were from Mississippi and left because of a tornado.
She told people Boyet was adopted from the Philippines and said she only spoke English. She would go as far as mocking the things Boyet did, as well as pretending she didn’t know about other students’ cultures when she did, as we have had vacations to multiple Asian countries throughout our kids’ lives.
When we got home, Madison argued with us, saying she just wanted to be viewed as a “normal American kid”, and that there was nothing wrong with that.
We felt like she needed to be punished for her remarks about Boyet and the other kids at her school, and told her she was grounded for a week.
She has said this is unfair and we “can’t force her to like different cultures”, and that a week is “ridiculous” for “a few white lies.” AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I agree that you should take the time to sit down and talk with her and truly figure out why she did what she did.
She should have zero shame in her heritage and should be proud to stand out. Being a “normal American kid” is so lame… But, letting a kid get away with a giant, elaborate lie like that isn’t going to help them. To the people saying that you shouldn’t punish, how is the kid going to learn?
A kid that smart will learn where they went wrong, and correct it for the next lie. Since there are no consequences, might as well make the norm. A week’s grounding is nothing… I once hid my report card for six months, so I was grounded for six months.
It was actually great, I engaged in chores with my parents, read a few books, picked up new hobbies, etc… And I learned to just come clean and be honest when I messed up.” AmbitiousBanjo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for punishing her for the lies.
However do not ignore THE REASONS for the lies, she needs help. And I couldn’t help but notice that you talk about your son GLOWINGLY and don’t bring up any of Madison’s good qualities at all… is this something she is picking up on the day-to-day in the house?
I think therapy is needed for her, and you and her husband as her parents. There is a reason she created such an elaborate lie and wants to seem different from the rest of her family. It needs to be helped and counseled.” angel9_writes
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know that you are the jerk because there is information missing like how you helped your kids to adjust and such, but I don’t think this is a punishable offense. Madison has a hard time making friends and just went through a huge social and cultural adjustment.
She is trying to find a way to fit in. You enrolled her (for some reason) in a majority Asian-American school despite her already not enjoying or fitting in in the Philippines where she was obviously struggling even more. What did you do about any of that?
I am going to make a suggestion…..your kids each need schools that are a fit for them. Which may not mean the same school. They need individual educational experiences. You stuffed Madison into a box and expect her to stay there. Have you asked her how she feels about that box?” sheramom4
11. AITJ For Donating Charity Money To A Different Organization Than My School's Event?
“Mid-way through the half term we were tasked to raise money for a charity event across 2 weeks. The school said we had to hand the money to our tutors and then they would collect the money into a year group and whatever year group raises the most money apparently got to pick where all of the money went.
The teachers didn’t explain how this system would work and I had my suspicions. I thought to myself ‘what if a year group decides to donate the money to a not so suitable charity?’ Plus I knew the ins and outs of the school system.
You see I’m a part of the JLT (Junior Leadership Team) at my school and we go into meetings with the headmaster and people like that. They discussed that they’d do a charity event where the charity they’d been funding would be the school itself.
To add to my suspicions, the school raised over £50 for Remembrance Day and then they put up a sign saying that the money “mysteriously” went missing. So, I had my doubts.
I decided to go and raise money for this event anyway. I did a 2-hour and 30-minute dog walk with both my dogs.
I raised £45 from family members and my dad’s workmates. After I raised the money I went to my mum, I said to her ‘I’m not going to be handing the money into the school.’ She asked me why and I told her that I didn’t trust the school.
My mum asked me what charity did I actually want to give the money to. I told her Acres Way (which is a British dog charity that shelters and re-homes dogs).
The day that the money was due in, I told my teacher that I wouldn’t be handing it in to the school and she was fine with it.
Because of one other person, our tutor raised £4.50. (Not a lot).
The following Saturday I gave my money to Acres Way and they sent me a letter home saying thank you to me for the donation. When I got back to school, my head of year pulled me aside and scolded me for not handing the money to the school.
She told me “Our school won’t have a good reputation if students like you hand in charity money elsewhere.” After her rant about how I should give my money to the school, she set an hour of detention after school. I didn’t attend it and my parents told me not to attend it and they rung up the school saying that I wouldn’t be doing any detention relating to the charity money.
Fast forward 2 weeks after the charity event, the money raised during that event never got donated to any charity and it all went to the school. And my head of year still hates me for not handing the money to the greedy school. She gave me a 30-minute after-school detention for not apparently making up the money that I had given to Acres Way and I told her to screw off (not literally but in my own words) and she suspended me.”
Another User Comments:
“Let me see if I have this straight: You’re a school leader who regularly meets with the administrators. Your school has a charity event about which you have suspicions. You don’t talk to the JLT or school administrators about your concerns. You participate in the event, presumably telling your donors you’re part of the school charity event.
After you collect the money, you decide that it’s all too suspicious and you’re going to do something else with the money. You never publicly raise concerns about the school’s charitable fundraising.
I fully believe that you were trying to do the right thing, and congratulations on that.
Fighting back against administrators can be quite hard. However, because you raised money for one purpose and then did something else, and because you didn’t use your leadership role before participating in the event, YTJ.” stannenb
Another User Comments:
“The teacher didn’t explain how this system would work?
Sorry, but I really think they did. YTJ because if you wanted to make a donation you should have done it another time not while this event was happening at your school. I understand your suspicion and that it came true, but I understand why the school reacted that way too.
It’s not fair, but these were the rules of this event and you didn’t follow them. Plus who promoted the charity? If it was the school then again, you didn’t follow the rules because you might not even have earned that £45 otherwise. I understand that you wanted to make sure the charity will get money.” RiaMaria92
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So, knowing that it was a fundraiser for your school, you raised funds and then did not give it to your school. That is fraud and you are a thief. If you want to raise money for Acres Way, by all means, do it.
But you can’t use a different fundraiser as a pretext and then divert the funds based on your own personal wishes. You raised funds with the understanding that it was a fundraiser for your school. So you took these funds under false pretenses.” BaconEggAndCheeseSPK
10. AITJ For Telling My Brother He Didn't Research Huskies Before Getting One?
“My brother got a Siberian Husky puppy. He was complaining about how she isn’t as obedient as my dog, telling me she refuses to get in the bath and ‘talks back.’ Called her a drama queen.
So I told him that’s natural for 3 reasons: 1) mine has undergone complete training 2) mine is middle-aged in dog years and 3) his is a Husky.
He got confused and asked what his puppy being a Husky has anything to do with it.
I said ‘Haven’t you read up on Huskies?’ He got really offended and said it’s offensive of me to assume he didn’t do his research just because he was unprepared for a behavioral trait.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m not too well read-up on Huskies myself, but I do know they are a loquacious breed. But yes, particular dogs tend to have particular behavioral traits. Exceptions exist, but for the most part, a dog’s breed can predict certain behaviors and dispositions.
Have you ever seen a vicious golden retriever, for instance? And if he has to ask you what the breed of his particular dog has to do with her behavior, then I’d say it’s obvious that he hasn’t read up on his dog’s breed. NTJ.
Your brother sounds like someone quick to take offense.” RighteousVengeance
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It honestly sounds like he didn’t do his research since Huskies are kind of notorious for that kind of behavior. It would be like getting a Chihuahua and being surprised that it barks a lot.
While it is a fact that not every dog of a given breed will have the temperament that breed is known for, it shouldn’t be surprising if one does.” SailorCentauri
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think he even did research on dogs, lol, much less huskies.
Most dogs aren’t going to just get in the bath because you tell them to without a lot of training (unless they just happen to like water). It sounds like he’s spent time around your dog, which has had extensive training, and just thinks that’s what dogs are like….
But yeah also, how can you not know huskies are vocal? I’m pretty sure it’s the most commonly known thing about them. I have a husky and I think her vocalizations are the cutest thing ever.” Gold_Statistician500
9. AITJ For Asking My Friend Not To Bring Her Inappropriate Husband To My Lake Cabin?
“I’m in an uncomfortable situation and I don’t know what to do. A few years ago, I (38F) invited my friend (37F, let’s call her Julie) and her family (husband 39M and kids 10F and 8M) to come spend a weekend with me at my family’s lake cabin over the summer.
It couldn’t happen for different reasons (on her end) over the past summers, but she just asked me if we could make it happen next summer.
The issue is that in the meantime, I’ve grown really uncomfortable around her husband (let’s call him Pete).
He constantly raises his voice at the kids in a way that makes me very anxious, and he can be quite dismissive and demeaning towards them (especially their son). I never know what to say or do as I feel like it’s not my place to tell them how to raise their kids, but I hate to see them treated in that way, so I just go out of my way to spend quality time with them, compliment them on their achievements, etc. Pete also has the habit of asking really inappropriate questions about my love life, but in a ‘jokey’ way that makes me look like a prude if I don’t answer.
He’ll get tipsy at every dinner we have, and will usually start making racist, homophobic, or just overall ignorant comments. We usually hang out at theirs, but the few times they came over to my place he kept making mean-spirited comments about my home, my neighborhood, etc., which Julie explained away by saying that being in an unfamiliar place brings out Pete’s anxiety and that’s just how he expresses it.
I spoke to Julie about it a few times, and she just said this is how Pete is, he has anxiety and she learned to deal with it. She mentioned being tired of it in the past, but more recently has said that she got used to it and it doesn’t bother her.
She also assured me that he’s never been violent towards her and the kids when I grew concerned over his outbursts.
Also, one of the reasons I had invited them a few years ago was so the kids could enjoy it, but now they’re older and behave like mini-teenagers who spend most of their time on their iPads, so I’m not sure how they’ll like hanging out at the lake anyways.
I had planned to not bring up the invitation to the cabin again to avoid having him around, but now she asked me if they could come and I don’t know what to do.
WIBTJ if I asked Julie not to bring Pete? I know it would hurt her, and I don’t want to lose her friendship, but just the idea of being around Pete for a whole weekend is making me feel vaguely sick, and I’m afraid I’ll end up blowing up at him at some point and ruining the friendship anyway.
Or should I just bite the bullet for the sake of my friendship with Julie and hope Pete doesn’t behave too badly?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “She just said this is how Pete is” – reply that this is how I am – and then explain that you don’t tolerate people who make you uncomfortable in your own place with racist and misogynistic comments, and prying in personal matters like love.
If you feel that’s too hard to break out this time – then WARN her that he makes you feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable with that behavior and SHE might be OK with it, but you aren’t. So… THIS time is a litmus test. If he can behave, good.
If he can’t, he will not be invited again. Then bite the bullet and see what happens.” kuken_i_fittan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Let’s recap: 1 Her husband doesn’t treat his kids right. 2 he asks invasive & inappropriate questions about your personal life. 3 “He’ll get tipsy at every dinner we have, and will usually start making racist, homophobic, or just overall ignorant comments.” 4.
He’s rude/mean-spirited about your home. Your friend excuses all with “being in an unfamiliar place brings out Pete’s anxiety and that’s just how he expresses it.” Plus, he’s never been violent to her/the kids. That’s total nonsense. She’s enabling his appalling behavior.
Either invite her on her own, have a girls-only break, or don’t invite them at all. I get that you want to be friends with her but if her husband’s part of the deal…sorry to say it but that price is WAY too high.” Apart-Ad-6518
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I don’t think there’s a way to do this without harming your relationship with Julie. You could give it a try and tell Julie something like, “I’m going to need you to rein Pete in. I will not tolerate some of the offensive things he says on my property.
If he cannot handle that, I will ask you all to leave.” Make your boundaries firm and put the onus on Julie to make sure nothing happens. His parenting is likely something you will not be able to affect with this, but it may rein in the racist/homophobic behavior.
Or Julie might decide at that point that it’s a better idea if they don’t come. Which works for you.” seregil42
8. AITJ For Not Making My Daughter Skip Her Friend's Birthday Party?
“My ex and I have a 7-year-old daughter.
She sees him every other Saturday from 10 am – Sunday at 10 am. Exactly 24 hours. This weekend was supposed to be his but I received a text today informing me that he could not take her because he is having surgery on Saturday.
I told him that was fine and reminded him that she was attending a birthday party next weekend.
He told me that he wants to see her and that she should skip the party. I am not willing to have her miss out on a fun thing with a friend, and offered for him to come out and see our daughter next weekend and for him to take her to the party, but he refused to do that.
I then offered to drop her off after the party and pick her up Sunday evening, he was not happy with this and again demanded that I have her skip that party. She is extremely upset at the idea of not being able to celebrate her friend.
I think my daughter’s social life is important and I attempted to come up with solutions that work for everyone, but am I wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get that he would miss his daughter, but she should be prioritized, not his feelings.
From the sound of it, she was given the option of skipping the party to hang out with dad and has chosen the party. As a father, I get his desire to spend time with his daughter, but she’s growing up and her autonomy should be respected. May I ask why he only sees her 24 hours a week?
He doesn’t seem willing to compromise, but if he really wants to see her can he make more time during the week to see her instead? Either way NTJ.” doesntgetthepicture
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m the girl who skipped so many things because my dad wouldn’t budge from the agreed-upon custody agreement….unless he had something to do….or someone.
Then he dropped me like a hot potato (hehe ironic cause we’re from Idaho land of potatoes). When my mom and I moved to California it was so amazing to know that I didn’t have to sit in the car every weekend for 7 hours back and forth to see him.
It was limited to summers and every other Christmas. I went to so many birthday parties and sleepovers with my friends. So don’t make your daughter skip. Tell him you’ve given him 2 options. That’s what it is going to be. He chooses one of those or he doesn’t see her for the next couple of weeks/ends.” Negative_Shake1478
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. God, your ex is a piece of work. The child’s needs matter! It’s not all about him. What kind of “surgery” is this guy getting that he’s fine taking care of a young child just one week after the surgery? That doesn’t even make sense.
It doesn’t even make sense that he’s getting surgery on a Saturday. Surgeons don’t work weekends unless it’s a life-threatening emergency. This is all really fishy and weird. He can take you to court if he wants that weekend so badly. Or you can arrange to kindly let her visit two weekends in a row when that works for your daughter.” Weird_Inevitable8427
7. AITJ For Not Stopping A Guy From Entering The Men's Room While My Mom Was Inside?
“My mom (35F) and I (17M) walked into a Target grocery store. She needed to use the restroom, but there was a piece of paper taped to the women’s bathroom door to state that the restroom was out of service. It also stated that there were porta-potties outside of the building to use instead.
My mom is kind of a germaphobe, so she couldn’t stand the thought of using one of those. She then asked me to check if anyone was inside of the men’s (multi-stall) bathroom. There wasn’t, so she said she’s going to use it.
I didn’t really care, but she told me to stop any guys from trying to enter.
I told her I’m not doing that, but she insisted that I do and continued to walk into the bathroom regardless of what I said. Sure enough, a moment later, a guy came walking in and I didn’t say anything. When my mom came out, she was embarrassed and yelled at me for not stopping him.
She then told me I’m grounded until further notice because of my disobedience. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s a Multi-Stall bathroom. In fact, all the women in my life growing up taught me to just use the men’s room if the women’s wasn’t available or the line was too long.
Unfortunately, since you are young enough to be grounded, it doesn’t matter. Serve your sentence or apologize and hope for the best.” Lil_Brown_Bat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mum is ridiculous. There was an alternative meant for her and she refused to use it.
Instead, she entered an exclusive space not meant for her and could care less about the boundaries and privacy of the people it is meant for. Then blamed you for not doing something egregious, even punishing you for it. Is she an unreasonable and hypocritical person in general?
You may want to move out and gain independence from that toxicity once you turn 18.” Sebscreen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You told her you weren’t going to do that, so she should have factored that into her decision to use the restroom. If she’s embarrassed to use the men’s when the women’s is out of order, that’s on her.
I don’t really get it seeing as how unisex toilets exist. Did she really think you – a teenager – were going to confront a grown man and try to stop them from peeing, when there were available loos, but she couldn’t cope with seeing a man in a bathroom?
Sheesh.” In_need_of_chocolate
6. AITJ For Charging My Sister $500 To Stay With Us While She Rents Her Home?
“My sister is renting her only home for the month of July on Airbnb and will net ~$26k before taxes. She has a planned vacation for part of the time but will be ‘homeless’ for about three weeks. She has asked to come and stay with me and my family (my husband, two teenage children, and me) for about 1 week.
I asked her for $500. She is upset and does not want to pay me.
As background, I have a guest room, and we stay with each other frequently for overnight visits at no charge. We both are fortunate and have means. Who is the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she’s renting her home to Airbnb, netting way more than what you ask from her. It’s an extended amount of time. IMO she shouldn’t have assumed that she would stay for free, but I don’t think it’s wrong for you to ask her as it’ll affect your family for an extended period of time rather than short overnight stays at each other’s houses.” Direct-Past-3327
Another User Comments:
“I find it weird that because she is making money, you think you deserve a chunk of it. You say that you stay at each other’s homes on occasion. You don’t charge then. If she were coming to your town for some freelance work, would you want to charge her?
She might have planned this poorly by not having things lined up with you ahead of time, and I wouldn’t call you out for saying no if your schedule doesn’t allow for it, but YTJ for deciding you needed a piece of her income when neither of you charge each other for staying with each other regularly.” HeligKo
Another User Comments:
“If you both “have means” why are you asking for $500? That seems like a money grab to me. Your sister is an aunt to your kids. I would be offended if my sister told me to pay her for a three-week stay.
I’m sorry, but IMO you are the jerk. If you said you didn’t have the money to feed her or the extra water to pay for showers I might think differently but if you stay between each other’s houses for visits and this is the first time you’re charging her then you’re opening the door for her to charge you if the roles are reversed. I bet you’d be upset if she charged you.
Let’s not forget the only reason you want to charge her is because you somehow found out how much money she is getting and want a piece. That’s kind of jerkish. She’s family, I’d be upset too if you charged me.
Sorry, imo, you are the jerk. Also, is it worth the rift you are creating over $500?” Understandig_You
5. AITJ For Insulting Someone's Name After They Criticized Mine?
“I (21F) was introduced to a woman (30s) at my younger brother’s baseball game. She’s related to one of the players.
I have a three-letter name, which is fortunately not common or overused, but it’s not weird at all.
It’s easily pronounced. This woman frowned when I introduced myself and said “what a strange name. I wouldn’t name my child that.”
I was shocked to hear this from someone, since my name is lovely. But even worse, the woman herself has a very basic, overused name (think Maddie, Kate, etc.) So she’s not someone who should be judging names.
I laughed incredulously and said “at least my parents cared enough to come up with something original, and not a name every other kid on the playground probably has. That was probably embarrassing growing up.” And genuinely, I’d be embarrassed to have such a basic, boring name as this woman, no hate to people with overused names.
She was very offended and started gossiping with the moms near her. My mom said I shouldn’t have said that, since it’s a traveling team, so we have to spend the weekend with these people. But she privately agreed that the woman’s name is dumb and overused, and said herself: “that lady’s parents didn’t love her enough to put some thought into her name.” AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. She initiated the rudeness by openly criticizing your name, which is inappropriate and uncalled for in a social interaction. Her comment was disrespectful and lacked basic courtesy. Your response was defensive and retaliatory, which is natural, but you ended up insulting her name in return.
This added fuel to the fire and created an awkward and uncomfortable situation for everyone involved.” samieclark
Another User Comments:
“ESH. The woman should not have insulted your name like that. She is in the wrong for initiating. You’re in the wrong for retaliating the way you did.
I can’t blame you as someone who has had her name insulted as well, however, you could have gone about this differently. Your mother is in the wrong for affirming your ridiculous outlook on names. All names are beautiful. She may have wanted to give her children more unique names, but that doesn’t mean that one name is more beautiful than the other, and she shouldn’t be making comments like this.” Alternative-Leek2981
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Nobody should be insulting anybody’s name for any reason. We all have private preferences, but vocalizing them is rude. And yes, it’s still wrong even if you didn’t start it. You definitely need to get over the idea that originality equals love, though.
One person’s boring, common name is the next person’s timeless classic, with history, meaning, and substance. Besides, having spent about 20 years giving advice on naming sites, you have no idea how few parents I see that are up on current trends. They think that just because they didn’t know anybody with that name when they were growing up, it must be rare.
And that’s how you end up with seven Charlottes in one class.” Nemesis0408
4. AITJ For Not Wanting To Do All The Cleaning And Parenting While My Wife Works Part-Time?
“I (40M) and my wife (38F) have been married for 15 years. We have 2 boys who are 9yo and 12yo. I’ve been the sole financial earner for the household for the entire relationship and she’s been a SAHM. I’ve been struggling with physical injuries sustained when I was in the army and it limited what jobs I could take but we made it work.
After 13 years of fighting with the VA, I got 100% Disability TDIU, so I wasn’t allowed to work anymore. This happened 5 years after we got married. Financially this was great because I made more money than I did from my barely over minimum wage jobs. Now I was home all the time and able to help take care of the kids and help with the cleaning, which I did not mind.
Since I was home anyway, my wife decided she wanted to get a part-time job so she could have her own spending money. She started working 15-20hrs a week and this is when the shift happened. I was still doing about half of the cleaning.
She started coming home from her 3-hour shift and complaining I didn’t clean the entire house while she was gone. Over the next 2 years, the complaining turned into constant arguing over the cleaning. She told me that since I’m home I should continue to pay all the bills, do all the cleaning, and deal with everything related to the kids (my job as a parent in watching them, bringing them to school, school meetings, doctors appointments, etc).
At this point, I’m wondering what she’s even contributing to the relationship if I’m doing it all while she works a part-time job and does whatever she wants. Now we barely talk, never hang out, haven’t been intimate in months, and are basically roommates where I do and pay for everything.
AITJ?
P.S. There is no infidelity, no guy friends, no hanging out with coworkers. She brings the kids with her to her mother’s and hangs out with a female neighbor who lives across the hallway when she’s out.”
Another User Comments:
“Am I the only one that sees something wrong with the timeline here?
OP is 40, wife is 38, they have been married for 15 years, this means they got married when OP was 25 and wife was 23. Then 5 years after the marriage (so 10 years ago, OP was 30, wife was 28) he gets the 100% Disability …. for which he claims he has been fighting for 13 years with the VA?
This would mean he was fighting with the VA since he was 17? OP also doesn’t mention when the wife got a part-time job, if one has to judge by the post itself it was right after he got disability … but their youngest child is 9 years old and he got disability 10 years ago, so one can imagine a SAHM would have stayed for the years when her children are not yet going to school?
At some point, he makes an “over the next 2 years” reference, which means this has been going on only for the last 2 years, so the previous 8 since he was with disability the wife has been at home the entire time? Also, I wonder how OP thinks he did “half of the cleaning” – did he ignore some rooms entirely or they were alternating cleaning the entire house on different days?” atealein
Another User Comments:
“You need to sit down and talk to your wife to find a common ground and compromise on who does what. No intimacy is usually a good indicator of the health of your relationship, plus the fact that you came here to ask a simple question instead of being able to discuss it with your wife also is telling.
Keep in mind that kids see this all and understand more than you would want to, so talk to them too, how they feel about their lives, in any case, you have a lot to think about and discuss with your family.” forgeris
Another User Comments:
“Kids are 9 and 13, right? Are you guys teaching them to clean their own dishes, make their beds, and other tasks? You could make a board with who gets what to do. And also include wife in that. But it feels there is more in this that can’t be associated only with a house well cleaned. Are you in therapy?
Do some exercises? Have a balanced diet? And if yes, what if the problem is only communication? You should talk with her and make an appointment to try at least a few sessions.” Iwishyouwell2024
3. AITJ For Not Giving My Wife More Money After She Quit Her Job?
“My (29m) wife (26f) quit at the beginning of this year her relatively well-paying job in video game development to pursue a writing career, that’s great, I think she’s a great writer and wholeheartedly support her choice.
Now, both my wife and I come from upper-class families.
The only difference is that my parents grew up under communism, so I was taught the value of money from a young age.
My wife did not have such an upbringing. Her lifestyle and hobbies scream rich person. Especially her gaming habits. When she had her job this wasn’t much of an issue.
But now it seems she is out of savings and has been asking me for more money.
I asked her clearly is it for book research? She said no so I told her no, she can make do with what she has. She seemed ok with it at first.
But, now she’s passively joking that I’m a financially controlling jerk.
What’s bothering me more is she’s doing it in front of the kids, 5f, 3m.”
Another User Comments:
“This is something you two should have discussed in advance…. Before she quit her job.
How do you handle money? Are you an ‘investor’ in her future, or are both just roommates? There isn’t any wrong answer here. But you both need to be on the same page or people will feel they are treated unfairly. If her book sells $50 million next year, do you expect any money?
Are you both sacrificing for her career….or is she just doing her own thing? What happens in 5 years when you decide to change careers, what will her treatment of you be, financially?” Prestigious-Bar-1741
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Why don’t you tell us how you’re supporting her financially from your own resources?
How much is that support relative to your own income and assets? When there is only one income, there is no “yours” and “mine”, only “ours.” You, as the wage earner, have a duty to provide (and if she is successful as a writer, she will have a duty to reciprocate).
She, as the homemaker and recipient of the money, has a duty to use that wisely (having regard to her needs and those of you and the family). If one person fails in that duty deliberately or negligently, that person is a jerk. However, there is no indication from your post as to which person that is.” ElementalSentimental
Another User Comments:
“INFO: When your wife quit her job, what was the financial agreements you two made? Does she get a weekly or monthly allowance to spend as she sees fit? Does she only get to use money from her savings? I ask because the response is going to be quite different if you two need to discuss how much personal money you give her each month (and maybe she is overspending) versus if you expected her to live off her savings only.” Throwra98787564
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Keep My Husband's Dog If He Dies?
“I (27F) married my husband (31M) a few months ago. Before we got married, we were slightly long-distance, living an hour apart. I say that to say we never lived together during the 4 years we went out. About 6-7 months before we started seeing each other, my husband, who at that time was just a friend, decided to get a puppy, who I’ll call Chief.
Chief is a lab/pit/rottie mix, so he’s grown to be a good-sized dog.
Throughout our relationship, it has always been my mindset that Chief is my husband’s dog. Whenever we saw each other on the weekends, my husband took care of Chief.
I sometimes joined on the evening walks if I felt like it, but other than that, it was all him. I can honestly say that when I visualized our married life, I did not give much thought to what it would look like as far as Chief was concerned. I guess I assumed that it would continue as it had before, with my husband assuming all of those responsibilities.
What happened in reality was that my husband relocated to my city but kept his job in his former city, resulting in a 2-hour commute every day. Since I get home earlier, I started doing the evening walks during the week to help out, which I didn’t mind at first, but as it got colder, I started to hate it.
Chief also has a tendency to lunge/pull when he sees other dogs while on a leash. I don’t think it’s purely aggression-fueled, as he generally plays well at the dog park (I don’t take him there by myself since dogs can be unpredictable), but considering he is on the larger side and half my size, it can be frustrating and stressful for me.
Note: I have asked my husband to look into training for Chief, but so far, nothing.
I don’t even remember how we got on the subject, but I said something to my husband about how if he died, I would not want to keep Chief.
He got really upset with me, saying how that’s his son, how could I deprive Chief of the only other person he really knows, etc. I understand his feelings, but I truly believe if Chief’s care were solely on me, I would grow to resent him.
This was solidified for me when my husband left on an overseas business trip recently. I made it through the first week, then I put Chief in boarding the last few days because I didn’t want to do it anymore. I like dogs, but I’ve learned that I am just not a person who wants to live with one.
This isn’t to say that I would ever ask my husband to rehome Chief, as he was there first. We ended up with an agreement that Chief would go to my husband’s best friend in case of my husband’s untimely demise. At the end of the day, this is all based on an unlikely hypothetical, but AITJ for feeling the way I do?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I am not a person who believes in really rehoming pets and thinks that a pet, once you get one is yours for the entirety of its life except under extenuating circumstances. You said yourself you would never ask your husband to rehome Chief right now.
This is God forbid in case something ever happened. The dog would go to his best friend. And quite frankly this is your husband’s fault because this is an enormous dog half your size who your husband has no interest in obtaining training for. He has that choice and hasn’t done so.
I would push your husband on this a little further honestly and insist that if he even wants you to participate more in Chief’s care while he is away on business trips Chief pulls and it’s hard on you and he must get him some training.
He might not be an aggressive dog, but even a super friendly dog who lunges and pulls needs to learn some manners, given his size especially if you are planning to one day expand your family. Otherwise. Chief may have to be rehomed anyway if he is too rough with a baby, even if he doesn’t mean it any harm.
I know your husband would be devastated by that and I’m sure it would upset you too as well as the dog. So now is the time to get some training in. Please have this talk with your husband because that wouldn’t be great for any of you if it had to happen.” Fooftato
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Re the pulling, every time Chief pulls and the leash goes taut, walk backward without saying anything. Dogs want to go forward, so moving them backward when they start to pull can help them learn. It’s worth looking into training classes in your area or booking some sessions with a trainer.
I know this should be your husband’s responsibility, but I think it would help make life with Chief more pleasant for you, and make it safer – a big dog pulling and lunging is dangerous, even when they’re not aggressive.” perfidious_snatch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I had the same discussion with my spouse. The issue was, I should have said nothing, since it was a hypothetical and the dog would 100% pass before either of us, and if I was in that situation simply rehome his husky once my spouse was no longer with us.
A pet is a household responsibility, especially a dog, as they require the same attention as a toddler for their entire lives. This might not have been what you signed up for and I don’t think it’s appropriate for your husband to put the dog responsibilities onto you when he chose this and not you, especially with an untrained large dog, it’s not pleasant and training is needed. I don’t think you’re the jerk for mentioning you wouldn’t keep the pet, I think it’s important for people to find alternatives for their pets if their spouse doesn’t want them, but also, it may have been easier to just do what needed to be done if the hypothetical were to happen.” Aves667
1. AITJ For Refusing A "Real Job" And Asking My SO To Pay More Rent?
“My SO (33M) and I (32F) have been living together since 2018.
Since then, I’ve been the one to shoulder most, if not all, of the financial responsibility and coming up with ways to keep us afloat. He had mostly been apathetic or indifferent to contributing financially until I gave him an ultimatum in 2022, a year after burning out and a brief hospitalization (in which I was diagnosed with a medical condition that technically qualifies me as “disabled”).
He finally managed to get a PT job at a boutique retail shop (I believe he resents me for this) and over the course of the year got more hours, proved himself indispensable, and got several pay raises/bonuses. Now he’s the one with the steady, consistent paycheck (he loves to remind me of this) meanwhile I’m a “solopreneur” running a service-based business and doing gig work to make up for the inevitable ebbs and flows of demand throughout the year in said business.
I’m very happy and proud of myself for having been able to create my own work despite how difficult it can be with my condition. I have recurring clients and referrals, and feel more appreciated and fulfilled doing this than I had at any other employment (I’ve done a lot, worked different industries).
While not consistent income, I still work many more hours a month and make more than he does (per our tax returns, at least 10 grand more before expenses).
One of the things I picked up was rideshare driving a rental after our car broke down a year ago.
My credit isn’t great due to student loans, and installment/payday loans, so I wasn’t able to get financing for a “new” car so I went the rental route to be able to continue doing my business while I improve my credit. It costs a fortune.
At least 1.5x my share in rent.
Since the holidays are over and demand is slower, I’ve been resting more, doing less rideshare, and fell short for rent. I asked if he could contribute more in rent, since our source of transportation (and everything else these days) is costing me so much.
I take him to work, pick him up, so he benefits from it in that sense.
He flipped out on me for asking him to pay more than his “fair share” of rent on top of his phone and Internet bill. He does occasionally send me some money or pays for dinner, but seldomly.
I reminded him that he doesn’t contribute to groceries, household/pet expenses, or other bills. I still shoulder all of that. As well as making dinner and cleaning the apartment (he does his own laundry, at least. And sometimes cleans the litterbox).
I asked if we could Venmo split the cost of things so I have more money in my pocket.
(I haven’t gotten my hair or nails done in months, maybe a year now). He accused me of nickeling and diming him, and that I should just go get a full-time job, which left me incredibly hurt and feeling worthless. So, AITJ for being unwilling to “get a real job” and asking him to pay more?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if everything is the way you describe it, the only thing you did wrong was make him think another ultimatum might be coming. He’s obviously gotten used to the gravy train, not to mention the chore service. I also do a lot of gig work and my income is up and down.
My partner has a job where his paycheck can literally change from week to week, and some weeks he doesn’t get one. If we didn’t help each other out through those moments when the cash flow just ain’t working, it would be a mess for both of us.
But it goes both ways, always. And we square it up regularly to make sure nobody’s feeling taken advantage of. Strongly recommend a course correct on how you’re managing finances. Venmo split, joint bank account for joint expenses, whatever it may be. Changing it to 50/50 now will not make up for the past 5 or 6 years of him sponging off you little by little, but it will stop the drip anyway and put your relationship on a different footing.
If you’re making more than he is, you should be able to save some toward retirement, for vacations, for the times your disability acts up and you can’t work as much, or for your future single life. If he is unwilling to see you through the rough times but willing to profit from your good times, he’s not really a partner.
He’s lucky you are willing to hustle and work through your disability. Wait until he starts pressuring you to go on disability because he thinks he can make more money that way….” RobinFarmwoman
Another User Comments:
“INFO – If business is slower, shouldn’t you be doing more rideshare, not less?
Also when you calculated how much you made last year, did you deduct your business expenses from that figure? Finally, how are you supposed to clean up your credit if you are spending so much money on a rental car every month? Your finances seem to be all over the place.” Mother_Tradition_774
Another User Comments:
“Why are you with this guy? This isn’t a relationship. It’s a roommate situation or a terrible partnership at best. In some ways, you’re both using each other but honestly, he’s not really a man. He can’t cover your rent for a few months?
He wants everything 50/50? Move out and get a roommate who isn’t going to be a burden. This at the end of the day is not a healthy relationship. And you have been in it since 2018. It’s time to call it quits and do what is best for you.
A lot of people have bad credit. That’s ok. You will get out of it and that takes time. The credit thing is so awful anyway, there’s no winning the rat race. Do the best you can. But as far as this man of yours… that’s not a man.
That’s a jerk. Just walk away. Even it can get cozy once you’ve settled in. But find your inner respect and leave.” Amazing-Case5719
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