People Want Us To Affirm That They're Blameless In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Wanting To Report My Doctor's HIPAA Violation?
“My oldest sister’s lifelong best friend has been my doctor for a couple of years. Initially, my doctor (Dr. A) was a colleague of hers from the same clinic but after my doctor (Dr. A) was away on maternity leave, I temporarily switched to my sister’s friend (Dr. B) as my primary physician and it’s been that way since the global crisis began and I never switched back.
I have ADHD and get prescription meds for it and have been for a few years now – something I haven’t shared with any of my family members for fear of backlash since I come from a long line of type-A overachievers who don’t ‘believe in ADHD’ and write it off as laziness.
A few days ago, my siblings and I were hanging out at my sister’s house watching the Matthew Perry – Diane Sawyer episode where he shares his history with substance about and I made a comment about how skinny he looked during one of the seasons of Friends.
My sister then, out of nowhere, says to me, ‘well it started with prescription medicines so I hope you don’t get hooked!’ I was instantly gripped with a feeling of absolute horror. My other siblings were confused and looking at her for further clarification but she didn’t say anything more.
I spent the whole night just frozen and with a deep pit in my stomach.
Later, when I found some time alone with her, I had to pry the information out of her. She had just gotten back from a girl’s ski trip and when they were extremely wasted, her friend (my Dr. B) slipped up and mentioned that she saw me recently for an increase in my dosage and basically revealed to my sister that I have been taking prescription Vyvanse (a central nervous system (CNS) stimulant prescription medicine used for the treatment of ADHD in adults and children 6 years of age and older) for a few years now.
I’m so livid, feel utter betrayal, and have a strong urge to report her for breaking HIPAA regulations.
My sister won’t stop texting and calling me about it, literally all day long, begging me not to ruin her friend’s life forever after years of hard work.
She’s obviously worried about losing her friend but she couldn’t care less about how disrespected I felt and how my privacy was violated. And more than anything, I worry that my sister will share it with my parents and my family will never look at me or my achievements the same.
ETA: A little more info. I’ve known Dr. B my entire life, as long as my sister has – she was my sister’s friend since they were in first grade and they’ve remained close and we’ve hung out with our families on multiple occasions over the years.
We’ve even gone on trips together including my sister’s bachelorette. I always looked up to her and found her cool growing up. She and my sister both have kids around the same age and they’re close as well.
She currently brings in the bigger chunk of the income in their family and they rely on it and my sister keeps reminding me that I’m also ruining two innocent children’s lives in the process, which is the only thing I feel guilty about.
I adore those kids and they don’t deserve that. But I also cannot get over how betrayed I feel. I always keep a safe distance between personal and professional relationships and would’ve never picked her to be my doctor had the circumstances not unfolded the way they did.
She was the next best doctor and was the obvious choice because I wasn’t really looking to switch to a new clinic during the global crisis.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your doctor violated your medical privacy. She ignored her own ethical obligations.
If your sister were so concerned about her friend, she would have kept her mouth shut, but she didn’t. Your sister has no excuse for blabbing at all.
‘And more than anything, I worry that my sister will share it with my parents and my family will never look at me or my achievements the same.’
I expect that no matter what you do, your sister will eventually let the rest of the family know. Prepare yourself for how that may play out, rather than worry about it. Maybe it won’t happen, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised.” anonymous_for_this
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – and better get a new doctor cos you now know you can’t trust the one you have. Your doc gossiped about you with mutual friends – that’s an appalling breach of confidentiality in both legal and professional terms. Drinking is no excuse.
You would be absolutely right to report this, and your sister is a jerk also for protecting their unprofessional lawbreaking friend over your health and right to confidential healthcare.” Knkstriped
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If it makes you feel better the doctor might not get seriously sanctioned if this is her first complaint.
The huge fines and jail time are only typically doled out to people who breach confidentiality for profit. Like people who sell a celebrity’s med list to TMZ.
That said you should absolutely file a complaint with the practice.
The doctor needs to go back through the HIPAA training and if this isn’t her first mess, then she needs to be fired.
And if your family starts arguing on you about this just tell them if your sister’s doctor friend hadn’t been such a blabbermouth then they wouldn’t think less of you.” Megmca
17. AITJ For Giving My Sister A Cheap Wedding Gift?
“My (23f) sister (27f) got married a month ago and the wedding was beautiful and clearly very costly. They had a registry, but almost everything was really expensive (think Dyson purifier, Fornasetti candles, etc). She also had a Tiffany alphabet necklace on it.
I wear the same necklace, which my husband gifted to me for our wedding last year. I didn’t ask for anything and I know he saved up, Tiffany jewelry is absolutely not the regular standard for us.
There was an option to give a monetary gift towards the honeymoon, so we ended up gifting $150 and I think it was more than fair.
Sister brought up that she noticed I only gave a small contribution to the honeymoon. I said yes, that’s the gift. She replied she expected the family to be more generous and that other siblings/relatives got thoughtful gifts. I could’ve at least gotten the Tiffany necklace since we can afford it.
I told her no, we can’t ‘afford it’ and we gave what we could give, it’s not my fault everything on the registry was so expensive. This was at Thanksgiving btw, there were other people around and I guess they could see the conversation between us was getting heated. My sister said I need to stop acting so self-righteous and they can put whatever they want on their registry and others did get the gifts so it’s just me ‘being cheap’.
My stepmom overheard and said I could’ve given a larger monetary amount or split the cost of the necklace with someone else, and I didn’t appreciate the effort put into the wedding.
I guess we could’ve given more money considering this is family.
AITJ?
ETA: We asked for no gifts and to donate to the American Heart Association, or donate toys for a children’s hospital instead.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sister and stepmom are both jerks. You are not obligated to purchase an expensive Tiffany necklace so you and sis can be twinsies.
That’s gall. Depending on your tax bracket, $150 is not cheap.
And if this is the Tiffany alphabet letter pendant I saw, it’s a $1600 necklace. No guest picked that out of your registry… your husband gifted it to you for your wedding.
If she is really that torqued about it, she really needs to go complain to her own husband and tell him she expected him to not be cheap with his new wife.” Teahouse_Fox
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A gift is just something presented to the recipient and not an obligation.
The cost of the wedding is irrelevant a wedding is not a money-making venture. since she thinks you under gifted… is she going to provide refunds to people who gave more generously than average? Since in her eyes, it’s some sort of balance sheet.
Also, it’s just plain tacky to confront someone to demand a larger ‘contribution’ and the jewelry off of your neck. Stepmom needs to back off too… not her business either (but it’s obvious where the greed comes from) it’s also very very low-class to essentially attempt to browbeat you about it at the holiday dinner… did they charge everyone an entry charge for that too to cover the cost of turkey and cranberries?” Any-Blackberry-5557
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Wedding vendor here; your sister was being tacky complaining about your gift. It was what you could afford. The real issue here is that she is jealous of the gift your husband gave you and wants one for herself.
A general rule for weddings is that each person should give a minimum of $100 per person if they can (so $200 per couple) to cover the cost of your meal and then some at the wedding. The family and bridal party is expected to give more if they are able, but this is more of a guideline.
Of course, not all people can afford a generous gift.
Attending is a gift enough. Your sister broke wedding etiquette with her selfishness. The correct response from your sister should have been a heartfelt thank you. The problem here is not the gift at all, but rather the fact that she is jealous of you and what your partner does for you.
Sounds like her husband can’t afford her expensive tastes and she is taking it out on you. Give yourself some healthy space from her.” LiveLovelyLala
Oh boy. Greedy greedy greedy.
16. AITJ For Being Mad At My Husband For Falling Asleep After Dinner?
“I (42 F) am a married (42M) stay-at-home mother with a toddler girl. My husband works 40-45 hours a week.
Every morning we get up early and I feed my toddler and allow her to watch some learning shows while I do morning chores and make breakfast. I do laundry including washing and folding, clean up the rooms we are using, chop wood, clean the fireplace, shop once a week, plan meals, feed our cats, and handle any kind of other tasks such as doctor’s appointments, contracting work, etc. I also clean the kitchen in the afternoon because my daughter has a tendency to throw food on the floor regularly.
At night I make two dinners, clean up my cooking mess, clean up her toys and her messes, get her ready for her bath, then put her to bed. I also clean the bathrooms and vacuum about once a week.
My husband and I take turns giving her baths because some days I am just too tired.
It’s my husband’s job to do the dishes and wipe down the counters each night. Once a week he takes out the garbage, cleans the litter boxes, and takes everything to the curb.
He does the litter boxes about once a week otherwise. He also makes dinner about twice a week.
We recently bought a house that needs some work, so on the weekends he takes our daughter out with him to do the rest of the shopping or errands while I stay at home and work on the house.
It’s a slow process because we don’t have any help from family or friends. There are no preschools or daycares that are open in my area.
The problem is that my husband typically falls asleep right after dinner, and usually refuses to get up until about midnight, or until I wake him up.
This is a huge issue for me because not only does it mean that we don’t spend any time together during the evenings, but also if I don’t wake him up nothing gets done. He’s always been like this, but before we had a kid I didn’t really care.
Now it’s a different story. I just cannot handle having to do his share on top of everything else. I am also really sick of having to worry about it and constantly waking him.
I’ve tried talking to him, I’ve gotten angry, I’ve told him to set an alarm so I don’t have to worry about him sleeping, and I’ve told him to do the dishes right after dinner.
He’ll change things for a week or so but then go back.
A few days ago I came out to go to the bathroom at 2 am and realized he was sleeping on the couch, nothing had been done. I lost it and screamed at him that if he didn’t quit falling asleep after dinner, I was going to drop our toddler off at his job in the middle of the day.
He got really angry and then did his chores. We have avoided each other since then.
My parents say that I should let it go because he works hard, but so do I. However, I don’t think that he really deserved me screaming or threatening him despite his actions and I should have handled it differently.
AITJ for threatening him?
EDITED TO ADD: I cannot find any daycare for my daughter in my area, everything is on a year or more waitlist. If I can’t get daycare, I cannot work outside the home. I’m not asking for misery nor can I do all of the work without complaint.
It’s 2023 (almost) and that’s not how most marriages work. That’s not how my marriage has ever worked, nor is it going to. I would not have married him if we didn’t have an egalitarian marriage.
Update: My husband made a doctor’s appointment yesterday.
He does not have diabetes or ADD, but may actually have sleep apnea.
I apologized for being a jerk and so did he. We have a great deal of communication issues we need to sort out, as we are not effectively communicating and there is a lot of resentment built up on both sides.
We are going to look for a counselor, but couples counseling is very expensive and we may not be able to afford it. I’m hoping we can or otherwise, our marriage probably won’t last.
We’re going to try a night where I don’t cook past lunchtime, and he doesn’t need to do the dishes until the next day.
I wish there were more decent restaurants in my area to help with that, but I live in a food desert with very few options beyond pizza. I realized that part of the problem is where we live, as we have so little access to things like cleaning services, childcare, firewood delivery, and even someone to fix our appliances.
It’s very frustrating living where I do, and I wish there were options.
His taking ‘my daughter’ on the weekends and shopping with him is not some kind of chore. Taking care of our daughter is not a chore. We chose to bring her into the world and are happy she is here.
Yes, it’s difficult, but she’ll get through it and so will we. She won’t be a toddler forever.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If you don’t want to take care of your child because it’s too stressful, tell your husband to switch places with you.
He can be a stay-at-home parent, and you can be the one that goes to work. Your threat of dropping your child off at his work makes it sound like you think you’re doing him a favor by watching the child while he’s at work, and you’re not doing any favors.
You’re a stay-at-home mom, watching the kid IS your job (literally).” Oxfordcomma42
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have too much on your plate and your husband isn’t helping. Get the husband evaluated for sleep (probably some kind of sleep study at least).
Insist on it.
Honestly, some couples counseling seems useful.
Sign daughter up for daycare. The waitlist is a year. You can decide if you’re actually sending her later.
Discuss a change in chores with your husband. He is no longer responsible for dishes, instead, he will clean the bathrooms once a week or vacuum whilst you are doing bathtime (or whatever).
How long are you chopping wood every day? He can do half or every other day. Change the weekend setup. He can spend half a day/ a day doing renovation tasks and you can take the daughter out, this would be a great time for a babysitter so you had time alone.
Get outside help. Regular babysitter (even a local teen who could watch your daughter whilst you’re in the house would give you a break) once a week/ fortnight. Hire a cleaner to do the big cleans. Even if you’re waiting a few months for it to start.
When your husband is home, leave the house and him with the daughter for an evening 1-2 a week. Do the food shop then. (shops are quieter at night) Pick up a hobby. Go sit in a coffee shop for 2 hours.
See a friend. This is your time so do whatever you want. He can be fully responsible for 3-4 hours.
Are you in any toddler groups? If not find one. Entertainment for the little one and you can make some parent friends.
Make play dates. Can lead to free reciprocal babysitting. Go to the library for story time and activities.
Dates. This is a little harder with his current sleep issue. Maybe a weekend afternoon has a day date. But this goes hand in hand with seeing a doctor and counseling.
Start batch-cooking food. Either eat it as a leftover a day or two later or freeze it for a no-cook meal later (free time!!). Same for your daughter’s food.
I think you’re getting burnt out and you sound a little lonely.
So you need to start looking after yourself. Heck if you have a nice mom/dad and could pack your kid up for the week and the 2 of you go visit, you should. Someone else to do the cooking and cleaning and someone to run around after your daughter.
Someone to look after you?
Have 1 weekend a month where you do zero house renovations, so you get a break.” AdGroundbreaking4397
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If he was playing a game or out drinking then maybe the anger was deserved but he was sleeping.
Because he’s tired, too. And you’re talking about dishes that can be washed when he wakes up in a couple of hours. It’s not like you have to do the job for him, you just have to wait for him to do it.
If you dislike being a stay-at-home mom so much, move and put your child in daycare and go get a job. But he’s doing more than most fathers on here do already. Screaming and threatening him isn’t going to make him want to spend more time with you.” Peg-Lemac
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think this is an issue of who is or isn’t the jerk. It’s just that you have a husband showing you every evening where you are in his priorities. Believe him. If he can’t be bothered to stay awake for 30 minutes to do what he is supposed to do despite your repeated requests, then maybe you should do what you need to do to ensure your sanity and take a break yourself.
Go to bed early. Let him make his own dinners. Sleep in and let him be responsible for the kiddo in the morning. People can only treat you the way you let them.” SoloPiName
15. AITJ For Not Listening To A 3-Year-Old's Order?
“So I (17M) work at a subway, nothing special and have been there for 7 months. I was working with 2 other people, one being my manager (38M) and the other co-worker (20M). It was a normal day just making orders and etc. And then a mother (I think in her early twenties?) And a child (3F).
I ask what she wants to order, just a BLT. Then she says to her child, ‘Okay, ask the nice man what you want.’ Now I don’t mind people having their child order, but the difference was that she didn’t help her child at ALL understand what anything meant or what she was saying, while other parents I’ve seen have helped their child pick out what they want.
The child looks at the menu for 2 minutes and starts to speak. She said she wanted bread with cheese and meat. So I ask her what type of bread. And it looked like her brain blew up because she didn’t know there was more than other types of bread.
So I tried to dumb it down to her while showing her different types of bread, ‘So we have this bread that… and this bread…’ And it seems she doesn’t understand at all. So I ask if she would like a kid’s meal. And the mother gave me a death stare, but I didn’t care the kid didn’t understand anything so I asked her again.
She looked pretty excited when I said that, so I started to prepare that till the mother stopped me. ‘What are you doing?’ She said, and I told her I was making a kid’s sandwich since that’s what I got from her expression.
And she started to get mad saying ‘My kid can order a bigger one’ and ‘She didn’t say that’ and while that was true, her expression said otherwise. But it continued for a while till she wanted my manager, I got him and I got in trouble which surprised me and my manager gave them a discount.
After that, my manager told me to go home and not come back till I get a text from him. This situation feels so weird and I don’t think I was in the wrong. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You were placed into a lose/lose situation and if your manager took it that seriously then you need to have a meeting with them.
As a Subway employee, you need to ask a million questions to the customers, everything is the customer’s choice. A small child wouldn’t know all the options available and you don’t have the time to teach everything on the menu to them.
The only solution for this scenario would have been to ask the parent for clarification, ‘Kid’s meal mum?’ Since they’re the ones paying.
Good luck.” Mellakit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I understand why the mother would be kinda annoyed that you didn’t listen to her child, but when the kid says something you can’t really do anything with and the mother just stands there not helping their child further, what did she expect?
I think you handled it really well by suggesting a kid’s meal and that the mom just blew the situation out of proportion, also I would suggest sitting down with your manager and talking about what happened (get ur version of the story out) and what you could do better in the future.” Squish_rain
Another User Comments:
“Just a thought. Although it hurts your ego to potentially lose your Subway job, remember that workers like you are a very hot commodity right now. That manager did not have your back and, unless there’s something more to the story that you’re not telling us, really overreacted to the situation where a mother whose name probably starts with a K decided to inflict adulthood on a three-year-old child with you as the hapless observer.
So get a job at a competitor down the street and let this wimpy manager wonder how he’s going to cover all of his shifts now that you’re gone. NTJ” bunderthutt
14. AITJ For Comforting My Mom Who's Bipolar?
“My dad was Jewish and my mom converted before I was born. My dad passed away when I was 2 years old. I am 24 now. My mom has never once taken off her wedding ring and has chosen to stay faithful to him.
I don’t have much memory of him, but I understand her choice. I am a wife and a mother myself now, and if I lost my husband, I would probably also choose to stay faithful (no judgment whatsoever to those who choose to move on though).
My mom is bipolar. She’s on medication and goes to therapy, but she still has a breakdown every now and then.
Today was my cousin’s baby shower. My husband was at home with our son so I drove there with my mom.
While we were there, my aunt made a comment saying ‘you’re not too late you know!’ to my mom. She got in her face and said ‘what was the point of that? No, tell me. What was the point of that.’ I and my cousin had to pull her away.
My aunt said she has to get over it. She said ‘you can still find another man and have one more, you’re not too old yet. I am just being honest’ and she said ‘I have a husband’ and my aunt said ‘no you don’t.
Till death do you part! He is DEAD’.
My mom was starting to go into an episode. She ‘I’ll see him again.’ And my aunt said ‘no you won’t, and you only live once, so stop wasting it’.
That pushed her over the edge. She yelled ‘YES I WILL! HE’S IN HEAVEN WAITING FOR ME! YOU’LL SEE! YOU’LL ALL SEE. ONE DAY YOU’LL ALL SEE!’ And I just grabbed her arm and took her to the car.
No goodbyes, no thank yous we just left and went home.
My mom was still heated. She was crying too but I pretended not to notice. She was like ‘one day they’ll see. One day I’ll be with him again forever’ and I just said ‘yeah, you will.
I know you will’ and she said, ‘they’ll all look stupid one day when we’re all in heaven.’ And I just said, ‘yeah, one day you’ll be with him again, and you’ll be with him forever and ever.’ She was still rambling on saying ‘they’ll never understand.’ And stuff like that.
I said ‘yeah, they never will, and that’s ok’.
When we got back to our house my aunt called me. Not my mom, me. I thought she was gonna apologize but she didn’t, she just said my mom needs to grow up.
I said ‘look, you may not believe in heaven, but we do. They will be reunited one day and if you don’t want to believe that that’s fine, just keep it to yourself.’
And just like that, I am now not allowed to meet my cousin’s baby when she gives birth.
My cousin won’t talk to me, nobody will. I don’t regret my decision one bit. In fact, it led to a great evening, because now I get to hang out with my mom, and she gets to hang out with her grandson.
It does still suck though I don’t get to meet my new cousin, but be honest. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t really understand how your aunt got to the conclusion that it was a good idea to bring this up when it’s been decades and your mother is still faithful/in mourning (is your aunt bipolar too?), but regardless someone smart would drop it after the first sign of resistance from your mother.
If your mother doesn’t want to or isn’t ready to move on, what good is it to insist like that? It accomplishes nothing, except upsetting her.
I am glad you were in her corner. Not only because you understand her on the matters of faith, but also because you didn’t chalk up her response to her mental health like I suspect your aunt does.
You respect your mother’s inner life and she needs someone like you in her corner. That makes you big-time NTJ.” ladyteruki
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you were there for your mother when others weren’t. I would’ve done the same, my patience is very high when it is about me but I draw the line when someone tries to touch my mother in any way, so I understand you.
your aunt was very harsh – she may have had good intentions but it came off in the worst of the ways. I am sorry that you won’t be able to meet with your cousin and her baby, but there’s an Italian saying that goes like ‘la mamma è per sempre’, mom is forever.
and it’s so true, and I know you know that. don’t spoil your relationship with your mother, cherish her as long as you can. Definitely NTJ” vicariouslv
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but honestly why do you want to be around people who will go out of their way to exacerbate someone’s Medical Issues?
Let’s put this in perspective, Mental Health Issues are still medical issues so let’s take a look at this through a lens of a few parallel scenarios.
Your aunt knows a person with celiac, intentionally hides gluten in the food and then gets angry when they’re mad at her for doing it.
Who’s the jerk in this scenario?
Your aunt meets someone with brittle bone disease and decides that it’d be ‘good for them’ to fall down so they can ‘learn to be better’ and trips them. Same question?
She meets a diabetic but tells them they don’t need their insulin but gives them food that will absolutely require it.
Who’s the jerk?
Now tell me what’s the difference between these scenarios and what your aunt did? Because I don’t see enough of one, I see someone who knew a person had a medical issue, knew what would trigger it, and went out of her way to do so because she believed she somehow knows better than everyone else.” StrykerC13
13. AITJ For Continuing Our Plans Without Our Friend?
“I (31F) and my (34M) husband have a group of 2 friends Jake and Jim (35 and 33) that we do everything together, they are like our brothers. Jake and Jim started a few months back talking about doing a beach trip in the summer, mid-Jan with their respective partners and us two, it sounded like fun and as I am the unofficial trip planner I turned to Airbnb to find a house, I put together a list of 20+ and we went over them, all 6 of us together to choose the best one at the best price.
They gave me the green light to book, I told them the price, the expectations of paying half by December and half in January, and how much plus taxes, all in writing in our group chat. The day I make the booking I text them the details and Jim says ‘I didn’t know we needed to pay in December, I don’t think I have money’, to which I reply calmly ‘don’t worry, we have 48 hours to cancel for free starting now, do you want to cancel?’ He said no, end of the issue or so we thought.
Fast forward, to yesterday, Jim texts that he doesn’t have money and needs to cancel the trip, this is 10 days after the booking so we would lose the 50% payment already made. I got mad, and reminded him of the previous convo (calmly again because temporary feelings can make a dent in a relationship and I don’t want that) and that the money needed to be paid whether he canceled or not because the cancellation window already closed, he said ‘he needed compassion and empathy and not to say I told you so’ but I don’t feel he deserves either one of them.
AITJ for explaining to him again about the cancellation window and that money needed to happen either way for this month?
In the end, we are going without him, the rest of us divide the Jan fee between 4 instead of 6 because we don’t want to lose the money we paid so far.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It isn’t an ‘I told you so’ moment to point out the facts of the cost and reservation. He said he couldn’t pay and needed to cancel, you pointed out that canceling doesn’t mean not paying, because there was no refund.
He could have said he would pay all of it in January and asked you to cover his December payment, or worked out a payment plan with you, then you could show some empathy by agreeing, but he just wanted to cancel and you pointed out that means everyone loses money.
100% this guy is hoping others will just cover the cost of the trip, so don’t be surprised if he shows up in early January asking for that, and definitely don’t let him on the trip until he pays in full – if at all!” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he’s 33, he should have a clear overview of his finances and what he can or can’t afford and act accordingly. At this age, everyone should for a long time already act responsibly and own up to their own doings.
If you indeed come short at a moment but are certain you can pay up later then go for it, but for Pete’s sake, evaluate it responsibly and accurately.
I took my car to restoration a month ago with only 2/3 of the estimated payment to give to the shop owner as well (the owner agreed since he’s my good friend’s neighbor) and got it back a few days ago and paid the rest I owed upon receiving it on spot.
Xmas/new year’s eve dinners are gonna be cheaper than usual but whatever you owe to someone always comes first as a responsibility. Weird that another dude in 30’s doesn’t know that… Well, at least y’all can go with 4 people total then and leave them out overall, hope y’all enjoy your trip.” Andy_Chaoz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Grown people in their 30s know (or should) how cancelation periods work. Cancel within the window and get all or most of your deposit back.
So Jim knew and instead of being very apologetic doubles down that he needs sympathy/compassion.
Yes, that would be true if there was a sudden emergency, etc but that didn’t seem to be the case.
Your solution is a good one even if it costs you all a bit more and hope you have a great time.
I would suggest in the future anything that requires payment upfront by x date whoever is going ponies up the actual total funds or will not be included. Makes life easier.” 3Heathens_Mom
12. AITJ For Giving My Daughters Budget To Buy My Ex-Wife A Gift?
“My (49M) daughters (J, 12F, and H, 15F) live with their mom during weekdays, and with me, my partner, and her two kids.
This week, I decided that I would give them $100, to get a nice gift for their mother, my ex-wife (we have been divorced for 9 years, but it’s friendly) because they are only kids, and I wanted to make sure that their Christmas was especially good this year because we have gone through some tough time lately.
I informed them, that I had left the money, at their mother’s house, and that they should use it to get a gift for their mother. But, they both informed me that they were NOT little kids, and that ‘You say that we don’t have the money to eat out, then where is this money, when we want to?’ I then told them that this was in the gift-saving section of my bank account and that they should be grateful that they are lucky enough to have this money.
They refused to take the money, saying that they didn’t need my help. I took it back but said that if they needed it for the gift, they just had to tell me. So, AITJ for giving them $100 to get a gift?
Since these hard times, I have been more careful with spending my money spontaneously. We still usually go on to eat birthdays and special occasions, but when the girls want to eat out, usually while, or right before someone prepares dinner, I have said no.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Giving your daughters money to buy their mom a gift is demonstrating many life lessons. It demonstrates the value of honoring a person who positively contributes to their life; someone you use to be married to.
It demonstrates you can no longer be in a relationship and still value a person. You gifting the money enables them to pick items they want to select to honor and make their mom happy. Although they are not little kids, at 12 and 15 years they are still minors.
It seems the grudge they hold about not eating out with w/your family is contributing to them dismissing your money. A self-centered interesting power play. Best to you.” DesertSong-LaLa
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. You were attempting to assist them in getting their mom a nice gift, and the offer still isn’t off the table.
I love that you wanted to ensure a nice gift was given to their mom. Even if you are separated, it shows you have your head in a good place and you think it’s important that you model good behavior for your daughters.
They’ll probably think about it more and more as Christmas arrives, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they do end up taking you up on your offer. Continue being a good dad, and happy holidays!” sillysky1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I usually end up buying presents for my stepdaughter’s mom. Mostly because I have to remind her a million times that her birthday/special event/Christmas is coming up. And because I want her mom to feel appreciated.
Your kids are in the jerk stage of growing up.
It’s all hormones, attitude, and teenage angst. Have a talk with them about their selfish attitude (who makes giving someone else a Christmas gift about not eating out?) and also bring up the importance of showing their mom that they care about her.” Tatertotsmagee
11. AITJ For Being Honest With My Grandma About My Real Reason For Moving Away?
“I (f31) grew up in a small village surrounded by other small villages. My family on my mum’s side all live within 10 minutes of each other and we are all very close.
I now stay in a village that’s almost an hour’s drive away, I moved in with my dad when I was 21 and got a good job here so I bought my first home here. Now my dad’s moved away and for the last couple of years, I’ve been feeling extremely lonely.
I am too far away that my family never comes and visits me, and I am too far away that I don’t get included in last-minute plans. My aunt, gran, and younger cousin (f23) are forever going out for lunch or coffee but I never get invited to these outings.
Of course any significant family event I am there for.
So the other day I was through visiting my gran and I was talking to her about how I feel sometimes. My gran said she could understand and she wished I had never left our home town but that had been my choice.
I told her it was hardly my choice when I was the one who was kicked out of my home. I only moved in with my dad because I had nowhere else I could go. My gran asked what I meant and I told her my stepdad had kicked me out when I was 21 so I didn’t have a choice and I had to move in with my dad.
She went quiet and didn’t bring it up again but later on that night, I got a really angry phone call from my mum asking why I was bringing up something that happened 10 years ago. I asked my mum why she had lied in the first place.
My gran got upset with my mum for covering up the fact my stepdad kicked me out of the home I’d grown up in and lied to the rest of the family about it. So AITJ for telling the truth?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if she covered it up for 10 years and was outraged because her lies came to light now then she’s the jerk, not you. Grandma has a right to be angry at her as well if that significant fact was hidden from her for 10 years.
As for the living situation, if you’re able to find a good job near granny’s place and also able to sell or swap your house for one nearby her, you could do that. Or maybe find some friends in the village you’re residing in currently if swapping housing and jobs isn’t possible?
Also, an hour’s drive doesn’t seem very much, you can do it weekly to go see granny and hang out with her (and other relatives who haven’t screwed you over in the past). Spontaneous plans would be hard to execute indeed but a bit of planning can also go a long way.
Good luck to you for resolving your housing/loneliness situation.” Andy_Chaoz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At 21 you’re kinda past the point where you’re entitled to stay in your parents’ home, though the kind thing is to let you.
Given you were trying to move out before your ex screwed you over though, it’s a trashy move on their part.
Is it possible your dad isn’t fully the good guy though? If your parents have a history of trying to passive-aggressively attack each other, there are definitely scenarios where his suggesting you move for a few weeks had more behind it than the kindness of his heart.
You still wouldn’t be the jerk for being a pawn in their petty feuding, but you might want to examine whether he was being above board with you. If he was doing something like sending your mom and stepdad nasty messages about you staying with him, he’d also be responsible for hurting you out of selfish reasons.
Maybe not. This all just smells like a divorced couple using custody of their under-18 kids as a pretext to lash out at each other, without caring about the welfare of the kids. Just a few years later in life.
How old were you when they divorced?” muse273
Another User Comments:
“NTJ × a million
You deserve a solid support system. Gran is great but if you don’t want to overburden her so you can’t openly talk to her then it may be time to spend a few months being busy FOR YOU.
Go on a few hikes, make some friends, and get some therapy.
Family is cool and all but largely, they’re just people and a lot of them aren’t great all the time.
It’s awful when your mom chooses your stepdad and makes it clear that will be the decision every time.
It’s also a fabulous opportunity to remind yourself that it is YOUR responsibility to take care of yourself. You are the best person for the job!
So put yourself first, especially with these new diagnoses. I had to learn the hard way that mental health issues aren’t just something that gets better by moving through life the way you had before.
If they’re not interested in even lending emotional support, they’re not actually providing what a family is supposed to stick together to create: a support structure.
My heart aches for ya, I’ve been through a lot of similar crap and it’s made me go no contact with a lot of my family.
It does get lonely but I’ve realized my life is so much more peaceful now and I have a pretty wide support network of friends I’ve made over the years.
Good luck. It gets better.” Plenty_Associate_193
10. AITJ For Wanting A Child-Free Wedding?
“I got engaged in August 2021 and set a wedding date in May 2023.
In May 2022, I had let my sister know I was doing a childfree wedding, meaning I’d like her son, age 6 at the time, to stay home. She didn’t say much, I had explained to her (in different words) knowing the intensity of being a mother, and I wanted her to be my sister, my bridesmaid, and my friend, on my wedding day.
A little selfish I know, but I knew that if her son came she wouldn’t leave his side and essentially be MIA the entire time.
Then it came out, my mother let me know that my sister had said to her ‘if he doesn’t go, I don’t go’.
I was a little blown away at the ultimatum for what seemed like no good reason. But since it was said behind my back I just let it blow over as I felt we could address it later.
For context, she is no longer with the father of her son, they co-parent, and I am not inviting him to the wedding, but he’s a great guy who got along with the family so I know he would have absolutely no problem watching my nephew for a couple of days.
Fast forward, wedding planning kind of took a back burner for a while. But now we’re 6 months out and I need to get serious about things so I reached out to her to officially ask her to be at my wedding party and she said: ‘I’d love to but ____ would have to come too.’
Which to me feels like ‘I’d love to be a part of your day, but on my conditions’ because there’s no reason why he needs to be there other than SHE wants him there.
I’ve driven home for his birthday parties and soccer games so many times, whenever I go home I draw with him and play in the sandbox, I love the kid but she’s the type of person where no one can do enough for her child.
It feels like she’s trying to guilt me into ‘well why wouldn’t he be there on his aunt’s wedding day’ when in reality, if she’s at my wedding party we’ll be getting ready from 6 am-3 pm and then the ceremony and then reception.
It just doesn’t make sense to me, it doesn’t even seem like it would be fun for a 7/8-year-old.
I can just see now, my nephew popping in and out of us getting ready, bugging mom… in pictures at the alter, my sister glaring where her son is sitting in the crowd instead of enjoying the ceremony… at the reception not eating, drinking, or dancing but rather entertaining him.
My family agrees with me because everyone knows she’s over the top with him.
At the end of the day, it’s a 30k party for adults, it’s the one day in my life where I am being selfish, and why does it make sense for ONE single child to be there, bored and nagging his mom all night?
I don’t really know what to do, I haven’t responded to her text yet. I want my sister to be there on my wedding day. I feel like the best thing to do would be to talk in person to adults at Christmas when I go home.
Am I being the jerk, should I just let him come?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. There is nothing wrong with wanting a child-free wedding. Your sister has made it clear that if her son isn’t invited she won’t come.
You have to accept that. Having an adult in-person conversation isn’t going to change her stance. At this point, you are both trying to force the other person to do something they don’t want to do. You want a child-free wedding so you have to accept that means some people (including family members) won’t attend.
You want your sister’s undivided attention on that day. She is a parent so she is never going to give that to you over her child. Even if he wasn’t there the way you have described your sister she will still be thinking about her kid.
She would probably step away multiple times throughout the day to call and check on him.” Such-Awareness-2960
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but if she chooses not to attend your wedding because of this, you cannot be upset by it, at least not publicly.
I understand everything you’ve said and why you’re making this choice and that’s fine, lots of couples do. But she also has the decision to make. Find another bridesmaid, tell your sister you wish she would reconsider but you understand if she sticks with that decision, and move ahead with someone else.
You can be upset privately but when you choose to exclude children, just know that there are some parents that will choose not to come without their kids.” justme7256
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
If you want to enjoy your wedding day you need to let this go.
Say to your sister, ‘sorry the wedding is child-free, I would love you to be a bridesmaid, but if you cannot find the time to commit that’s OK, I understand. I hope you will still be able to make the wedding as a guest’.
Then OK if she agrees to be a bridesmaid, but shut down any more talk about nibbling. If she declines to be a bridesmaid, move on without her & just invite her to the wedding.
You are allowed to have any type of wedding you like, your guests are not required to attend.
Best to just move on.” Potential_Honey_955
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s pretty normal to have a child-free wedding. Children aren’t used to the pomp and circumstance and often get bored and cause a distraction. But with a child-free wedding, you’ll need to accept that some people won’t come.
It’s disappointing but is what it is.
Message your sister back and tell her that you would really like her to be at the wedding but it won’t be a good place for a 7-year-old when he will be the only child there.
Remind her that it is a child-free wedding so as much as you love your nephew he is not invited to this one event and if she decides she does not want to come as well you will be disappointed but accept her choice.
If she keeps pushing just keep saying that it is a child-free wedding no exceptions.” Aethermist88
Posters, parents leave their children with trusted adults such as a father so that they can attend an adult only event.
9. AITJ For Enrolling In A University Even Though My Parents Don't Want Me To?
“I’m eighteen, and I’m finishing high school this semester.
My parents have always been protective of me, and that’s fine. I think that’s a good thing about them, as they care about me.
However, since I’m finishing high school, I took the entrance exams for a few universities. None of my parents have degrees, but I always wanted to pursue medicine.
In my country, different from the US, you don’t need a pre-med course. You can go directly from high school to the course of medicine.
University-level education is free in my country, so you can imagine the competition is quite fierce.
Especially for courses like engineering, law, or medicine. Regardless, I applied to three universities. One of them is in my city, and two are in other cities. The closest is 350 kilometers away.
Sadly, I wasn’t accepted into the university in my city.
However, I was accepted into the two others. I can’t explain how happy I was to manage to get accepted. Now, however, there is a problem.
My parents, mostly my mother, are utterly against my enrollment in those. It’s not about the quality of the schools, since they are actually better than the one in my city.
My parents don’t want me to leave my city, claiming I’m still too young.
Look, I understand they are protective. But this is my dream. If I don’t enroll, I need to take a year of cram school, and take tests again, which doesn’t mean I’ll pass.
It becomes a vicious circle, and honestly, I don’t want to lose this chance. However, they won’t budge and told me they would not support me there.
Both those schools, offer scholarships in the form of housing, meal plans, etc. This means I can still live while studying, although I’ll need to find some work for pretty much everything else.
I decided I would enroll in one of them, and I did (we can do it online). Now, I’ll be going there in January (30th) to finally start the course. But, I had to tell my parents, there was no option.
Honestly, I didn’t expect their bad reaction. They’ve been giving me a cold shoulder and calling me ungrateful, arrogant, jerk, etc.
They barely talk to me, and I feel like a stranger, but they made sure to let me know their house.
Well, I guess my relationship with them went down the drain. It sucks, but I really want an outside opinion. Did I really mess up here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First of all, congratulations on getting accepted into medical school!
That’s a huge accomplishment and you should be so proud of yourself.
There is no reason as to why they chose to react this way. You clearly did everything to prepare on your own, and you are looking into your own options to fund your university and living.
I don’t see why this is a problem for them.
Since they are choosing to react this way, it may just be coming to a point where you need to step away and reevaluate your relationship with them. It’s not fair to you to put your dreams on hold (or step away from them at all) to appease your parents.
Taking a step back and doing this for yourself seems like the best way to go.
I am sorry they are acting this way toward you. They should be celebrating this milestone in your life and helping you figure out your pathway to success.
I am sending you all wishes for success on your way to becoming a doctor!” joywaveee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I don’t know why your parents would want to limit you so much. I suspect that they fear that you’ll need them some time and it would take a while for them to get to you.
But a parent’s job is to give you wings and applaud as you fly off for the rest of your life – not the hold you back so there’s no chance you could fall. You are mature enough to have a clear plan for your future and you’ve taken the necessary steps to make that plan a reality.
I’m impressed!
GO! Study hard, get a part-time job to cover your expenses, make friends, become the person you want to be, and achieve the career you want.” OdoDragonfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Your parents are masking their desire to control you as ‘being protective.’ Please do not confuse their behavior as some sort of misplaced care for you.
They are trying to control you and when it’s not going their way they are throwing a tantrum. Go to university OP, get your degree, and live an independent life away from your parents. I can imagine you will grow immensely from the experience.
If your parents won’t speak to you because you’re trying to make your life fundamentally better that’s their issue.” ariesgal11
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To My Parents' Cabin?
“My parents (both in their 70’s) have a cabin. Every winter either on a weekend before or after they invite everyone to come up for Christmas. I rarely go because, well, it sucks.
The place is huge, with bedrooms and a restroom upstairs, a bedroom and bathroom on the main floor, and a bedroom and bathroom downstairs.
I (f24) hate visiting. My parents are old, and only clean up the main floor and the downstairs.
The only thing they’ll clean upstairs is the toilet. Which means the bathroom upstairs is always filthy. The sink will have hair, toothpaste residue, and more. The shower will be the worst, with dead bugs, hair, and unknown specks of stuff all over.
It’s revolting. When I stay I’m forced to stay upstairs and I can’t use the restroom downstairs because A) the stairs are LOUD and going down them at night will wake everyone up, and B) even with my parents cleaning the mid-level restroom it’s still not much better either.
They don’t really clean the shower.
So whenever I visit I’m forced to shower in filth. What’s even more frustrating, is I hardly go down there. The main people who use that restroom are my niece (14) and nephews (15, 16).
They go to the cabin multiple times a year and never clean anything. They’re the ones who created the filth in the bathroom. And yet, every time I come down my parents expect ME to be the one to clean the entire thing.
This means for one the bathroom is only getting cleaned once every year at best with multiple uses from my niece and nephews. I’m also expected to clean the downstairs restroom. And my sister and brother-in-law are not better.
If anything- they’re worse. The last time I came down I had to clean up fluids. The restroom I used my niece had her cycle and got it on the toilet seat, and the bathroom downstairs that my sister and brother-in-law used had brown smears ALL over it and yellow splotches and it smelled. I gagged and refused to clean that.
My teenage niece I could forgive, but not two grown adults.
Anyways, any time I’ve complained about it my parents are upset. They’re old with health conditions and struggle to clean things. At home, they hire a cleaner because they can’t do a lot of it anymore.
I feel bad for not helping them with the cabin, but I hate cleaning every single time I come down while none of the people who made the messes have to. Last time after having to clean up everything I swore to never come back again.
So, AITJ for refusing to go to the cabin?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect grown adults to clean up after themselves. It’s unfair that your parents expect you to clean while not requiring the same from their other adult children.
If they ask for an explanation as to why you don’t want to visit, just say that being a maid to your siblings is not a vacation. If it is important to them to have you there, then they need to hold the others accountable for the messes they make.” Majestic_Method8473
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Take it up with your sister and brother-in-law. I would take photographs of how disgusting they leave the place. Your parents are probably too old and tired to get involved in the situation and would rather just clean instead of fight about it.
It’s not fair you have to do it, though. Your sister and brother-in-law obviously take advantage of that, knowing you’re going to do it for them.
Perhaps they can hire a cleaner after every use if they’re so incapable, but they should really be leaving the place the way they found it.
Rules seriously need to be made about this.
I don’t blame you for not wanting to go. I wouldn’t either if all I was going to do was clean other people’s bodily fluids. If your parents really have an issue with you not going, say you will when you don’t have to clean up an unreasonable mess.
Ask for rules to be made and boundaries set. If they don’t want to clean up after themselves, then don’t go.
The lack of hygiene is concerning. It can actually cause damage to the cabin if left for so long.
Is their house like that or just the cabin?” Ok-Writer-774
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are not a servant to your family. You are not at their beck and call. The sooner they realize this, the better, otherwise the longer this treatment goes on, the harder it will be to pushback.
Apart from your parents, the people concerned are old enough to clean up after themselves, they are not young children. Tell your parents you’ll only go, if they hire a cleaner, and if that is not financially possible, then they everyone should contribute.
Tell them when everyone leaves a mess and does not clean up after themselves, and expects you to sort it out, you feel that you are being treated and seen as nothing more than a skivvy, and good for one thing only.
Until everyone pulls their weight, you are not going to the Cabin ever again.” Aggressive-Peace-698
As for your brother, sil and their kids, they are more than capable of cleaning, even the kids. And 16 is too old to be leaving b***d on the toilet seat, makes me wonder how she is at home and school - gross. If your brother and sil start bullying you about not going, go no contact. If you want, text them all your reasons so there's a written record. Sounds like you don't enjoy their family much anyway.
Maybe start a new Christmas tradition with friends, so you don't feel lonely when you stop going to the cabin, friends can sometimes be the best family.
7. AITJ For Refusing To Move Back In With My Parents?
“I (17F) have been living with my partner’s family since march of 2022.
For some background, my parents lost their home due to my dad not being able to find another job. We moved into my aunt and uncle’s home in February but I and my brother (14M at the time) moved out into my partner’s house because of the mental mistreatment that my uncle was doing to us.
My parents found a home in late August, right when school starts. My brother moved back in with them right away, I told them that I wanted to stay for a little to work on school and show them that I can balance school and work.
Well, a few weeks went by and I realized that I couldn’t move back in with them anytime soon because of the mental mistreatment they did to me as a kid and still do.
I talked to my therapist about it and she agreed that I’ve been doing mentally better since I moved out.
I told my parents this and they didn’t take it too well but understood, which I understand I am only 17. Well, thanksgiving came around and I told them I only wanted to stay one night (Wednesday to Thursday) because that’s all I could handle and I wanted to still spend some of thanksgiving with my partner.
Well, they didn’t take that well and told me that my partner’s family isn’t my family and I am acting like I am married to my partner. To keep the peace I stayed one more night, but the entire time they made small comments about how I am a horrible daughter for not moving back in and how I ran away.
Well it’s Christmas time and apparently, my dad wants me to stay for all of the winter breaks there but I can’t mentally handle it and told them that and they said they understand but are very disappointed in me and said we will be talking about me moving back in.
This is where I might be a jerk, I told them ‘That there’s nothing to talk about because I am already paying for my car, damages to my car, food, and medical bills, and might as well start paying for my phone too.
Y’all want me to move back in but I am already acting like an adult no need to move back in,’ They got upset with me and told me ‘that I am being selfish, they miss me and they need me to watch my siblings.’ I just hung up on them.
I’ve talked to my partner’s mom and she said that from a mother’s point of view, it is like you ran away from them and I might have overreacted a little.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – maybe you did run away, but from the sounds of it, it was the best thing you could have done.
From what you are telling us, they don’t want you back because you are their daughter, they want you back to be a babysitter. I really hope you can stay where you are because going back to your parents sounds like a really bad idea.
You are old enough to qualify for emancipated minor status; you might want to look into that.” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for staying somewhere where you feel safe and don’t have to deal with your abusive parents.
While it might be hard on your parents for you to be living elsewhere, it doesn’t give them the right to consistently make you feel crappy and call you a horrible daughter, and try to guilt trip you. You are not being selfish by protecting your own mental health and well-being.
They are being selfish by demanding your return, which they admitted was partially because they want you to watch your siblings.” someperson717
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and that last line says it all they only miss what you can do for them.
They want to be able to emotionally mistreatment, control and possess you and use you as free slave labor in the form of childcare. Absolutely not, you deserve better and you’re right – you’re living like an adult and have nothing to gain by going back.
If they miss you you can all go out to dinner, have an occasional movie night, go to the park, go shopping, go to the Christmas lights around that time; bake together occasionally.
There are a lot of things y’all could do to share time that don’t include you being controlled and taken advantage of.
And if they don’t want to do day dates like things to spend time with you then they don’t even miss you just what you do for them. And for the record, you’re under no obligation to take care of your sibling.
The occasional hang out when he’s older, letting him vent when he wants, watching a movie sometimes sure but it’s not on you to be any kind of caretaker whatsoever. You’re a sister, not a parent, and their definition of a good sister is a good mother.
They’ve got the definition switched on those two for sure. Stay where you are OP.” Blondebabe2002
6. AITJ For Yelling At My Brother For Snitching?
“I (16f) went to a party last weekend, and someone offered me a smoke. I was pretty curious to try it out, and so I did. I knew my parents would freak out if they smelled me since they’re the typical strict Indian parents so I called my brother (27m) to pick me up.
My brother smelled the smoke on me and he asked me if I smoked, and I admitted it. He was quiet on the ride home, and when we arrived home I quickly ran upstairs to take a shower and get rid of the smell.
When I got out of the shower and changed my clothes my dad started yelling at me and told me that my brother told him and my mom everything, and my mom was just crying on the sofa. They grounded me from going out with my friends for I don’t even know how many months.
I was feeling really betrayed by my brother so I called him and kind of took my anger on him and just yelled at him for a few minutes on the phone. All he said after I yelled at him was that I needed to calm down and that he told our parents that I smoked just for my own good, and he just hung up on me.
I feel pretty bad now because of how I spoke to him on the phone, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
How would you have kept them from finding out? Yes, the shower and brushing your teeth will keep the smell off of you, but it’s still on your clothing.
If your mother does your laundry, she’s going to smell it there.
Obviously, your family is vehemently against smoking (which is not a position I disagree with). Maybe you should ask why. Also, you’re sixteen, which makes it illegal for you, and you’re living in your parents’ home.
A ban on smoking seems like a reasonable rule to me.
But I am not going to get into all the evils and dangers of smoking. Suffice to say, you knew your parents would react badly to this, and you did it anyway.
Furthermore, you decided, without his consent, that your brother was going to be your accomplice. Why should he be sworn to secrecy? Why are you even treating him as your ‘get out of trouble with your parents free’ card? Did you even ask your brother to keep quiet about this, or did you just assume he would?” RighteousVengeance
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, primarily because you trusted your brother and he violated that trust. I think it’s obviously clear to you that smoking is unhealthy but your experience is entirely relatable. I would argue that now you know that smoking tastes like crap and that it lost its allure.
Given your cultural background, I also doubt that your brother’s reaction solely came from a position of care, too.
But I hope you know now that smoking is/tastes/smells crappy. That odor is tough to get rid of.
There’s nothing cool about smoking with your friends – I hope you learned this lesson and don’t try it again. The consequences for your health are horrible and I’ve seen many friends try and try and try to give this habit up and fail.
I hope you and your brother can sit down and talk about this calmly. I don’t think he understands the long-term consequences of him breaking your trust this way. And I would be surprised if he never tried smoking when he was a teenager either…” Dazzling_Sea4443
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Your brother is looking out for you. Smoking is habit-forming, especially for young teens, and can lead to all sorts of health problems. He just cares about you and wants to do all he can to help you stay healthy.
Was your parents’ reaction over the top? Perhaps, but they feel just as your brother does, except even more. They probably feel like you’ve betrayed their trust, or like this is their fault somehow. They also want you safe and well.” CrimsonKnight_004
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You shouldn’t expect your brother to keep secrets after putting him in a position where he would have to lie for you. I am also curious as to whether you just took a puff to try or smoked a whole one.
I know when I tried it in my teens I did not like it at all…
That said, adults dealing with teens should definitely not be ‘going nuts’, telling parents everything they see without consideration. A much healthier response would be for your brother to talk to you about it during the ride, ask whether you enjoyed the smoke, and consider it worth the amount of drama that necessarily would ensue.
Then inform them that he would be telling your parents. Or he could have considered this a situation where keeping your trust would be better in the long run. I have an 11-year-old and don’t look forward to the teen years, but will keep in mind that ‘blowing up’ over every minor bad decision will lessen the trust going forward, and thereby reduce the chance of kids asking for help when they need it.
If kids are scared of calling a trusted adult, a bad situation could get even worse the next time, especially considering other risks. The way to help kids make smarter decisions is to talk about situations that didn’t go as expected, ensure them their adults will pick them up, bring them home, and keep them safe, THEN discuss what to do better next time, not to yell and ground them…” MrsMotz
Being grounded for getting caught smoking for a weekend... ya.
Being grounded for unlimited months because someone tattled. Seriously Posters. What do you think OP is going to learn about with this consequence. Not what we want. Your are a jerk for trying a smoke - small jerk. Your brother is a massive jerk and so are the parents.
5. AITJ For Not Allowing My Friend To Bring Her Baby To My Birthday Celebration?
“I am turning 25 in February and was planning a weekend girls’ trip to Chicago. I have a friend who’s about to give birth any day now and our birthdays are ten days apart. I was hesitant to invite her in the first place since she was about to give birth but another friend let slip about my party so she basically asked if she could come along too.
I said sure and then she said she would have to bring the baby girl along.
Now on this trip, I was hoping to cross a bucket list item off my list. This will be a party event. An environment I wasn’t comfortable having a baby around.
My friend doesn’t see the problem with bringing her two-month-old along at all.
Everyone agrees with me. The baby shouldn’t come with. My friend says that since I don’t have kids, I shouldn’t have a say in how she raises her baby.
AITJ?
Edit: this will be her third child.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It doesn’t sound as if you are trying to have a ‘say in how she raises her child’, you are trying to have a birthday party consisting of activities totally unsuitable to a 2-month-old baby.
Your friend needs to grow up to the reality that when she has a child, she has to be an adult and a parent which means a change in her social activities. She invited herself along on this outing; it’s not a kiddy party so she probably better rethink that.” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She’s going to bring that child and expect everyone to help babysit and care for it while she has a drink. She’ll also be sour if she’s left at the hotel with the baby while everyone goes out for the night.
Let her know that you’ve tried to say it nicely however she doesn’t seem to have taken the hint. You organized this party and you’ve stated that children are not permitted. This rule isn’t changing.
You should also tell the group of girls who are invited that you’ve taken a firm stance on this and if they feel your friend and the baby should come, they’re welcome to back out of the trip too.
The last thing you want is for any girls to come while they secretly complain that this friend and her kid should be able to come. You’re all on the same page or they’re out of the trip.” thecratskyone
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your birthday, and even if your friend is comfortable with having her daughter in that situation, you aren’t. If she were to bring her daughter, you would feel guilt for something that you’ve had on your bucket list for a while.
I’d say you need to have a conversation with your friend and make it clear to her that you aren’t judging her parenting, just that you want to be able to enjoy your birthday in the way you want without feeling uncomfortable that there is a child present.
It’s also probably a good idea to ask why she is so adamant about bringing her child along. Is she having issues finding or affording childcare? It wouldn’t change the verdict of NTJ, but you may be able to have a more constructive conversation with your friend if you understand the reasons behind the issue.
Being a new mom is really hard, and sometimes being without your child for a few days is a lot harder than it may seem, both logistically and emotionally.
Edit to add: I misread, the event is far enough away that the childcare issue is probably not the issue.
Still, a conversation is in order.” PeaceOfWildSoul
4. AITJ For Not Wanting My Aunt And Cousin To See Me?
“My aunt and cousin (10M Andy) live close by and are frequent visitors to our home. Andy and I are close since he was just a toddler, he would spend lots of time in our house so it’s not an exaggeration to call him my brother.
The problem is that my aunt has zero awareness about what it takes to watch Andy despite how much I love him.
She would drop by and leave him in our house even if I tell her I am studying and can’t watch him.
She would tell me it’s better to have someone with him in the house than no company at all and that I don’t need to watch over him as he can fix himself a sandwich or order something himself and he has her phone on him so he can just watch something.
She always just takes her purse and abandons him there regardless of how I object.
If Andy really sticks to the phone and doesn’t disturb me that would be fine but he doesn’t and he shouldn’t. He’s so young. He can’t stay glued to a screen for 8 consecutive hours and I don’t blame him one bit for that.
I complained to my mom multiple times about this and she would shut me down too. So I came up with the idea that whenever my aunt came over, I would shut myself in my room and tell mom to tell them I am not in the house.
That way mom doesn’t have to get into a conflict with her sister and I don’t get inconvenienced, win win. My mom resisted at first but was on board later.
This time though, when my aunt came over I could hear yelling as though an argument was going and then my aunt came knocking on my door while shouting that she knows I am in there followed by my mom also told me to just get out and that I caused her enough trouble.
I walk out and there’s a storm of berating first from my mom and second from my aunt. I know my mom was berating me like that to appease my aunt but it still hurt and I also lashed out at her that she was sacrificing her own daughter for her sister.
When mom saw me like that she apologized to my aunt and told her she’ll deal with this and walked her to the door and then went back and asked me what I expected by avoiding her for several weeks like this and that she would start asking questions eventually.
I was upset and refused to answer her anymore and have been cooped up in my room since then. No mood to attend classes either. AITJ for acting like this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And of course, it’s babysitting and what is wrong with your mother that she doesn’t tell her sister to take a hike?
She would rather have her sister take advantage of you like an unpaid servant than stand up to her sister. You have school work, ask mom if she would rather you put aside your studies to tend to a child who is your COUSIN.
He’s not your brother, I am sorry it may feel that way but he isn’t.” RevolutionaryCow7961
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, both women are disregarding your needs. Aunt knows how a boy that age behaves. She just doesn’t care you could have other obligations.
Family may be like this sometimes. When they get too comfortable and start taking everything for granted. I suggest you study in another place OR make a huge tantrum while screaming dramatically at them two how disrespectful they are and how they are ruining your education and your future and so on and so forth.
Not the best strategy but it might work.” efrosi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – even though you see him as a brother your aunt sees you as a free babysitter. Neither your mum nor aunt are taking into consideration your feelings and needs and the fact you’re studying.
And by the sounds of it, this is horrifically frequent (more than once every two weeks, it sounds nearly daily), they’re essentially dumping that child onto you to look after while they can do whatever they want. Why can’t your mum look after him most of the time and you could chip in (ie an hour or so, and after studying in your free time that isn’t dedicated to anything else)?
Could his mum not get him into after-school daycare, or find any clubs that he’s interested in joining around the time she does whatever she’s doing? Both parents are using you to negate their responsibilities, your mother’s responsibility to you and your aunt’s responsibility to the child.” Massive_Ad_3991
3. AITJ For Not Helping A Customer Out To Her Car?
“I currently work at a grocery store to save up for college. At this store, our hours are usually 6 a.m. to 12 a.m. The only time when those hours change is Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve (6 a.m. to 5:30 p.m.).
Flash forward to Thanksgiving day, I was working at a register from 9:30-5:30. As expected, we were moderately busy.
At about 5, this lady (let’s call her Diane) comes to my counter and proceeds to put her stuff on the belt.
She, then, asks if I know where to find folding chairs and tables. I told her to look in our seasonal department or home section. She walks off without finishing unloading her cart. No problem. This happens all the time.
I ring up the stuff in that cart and bag it.
About 15 minutes later, there’s still no sign of her. I call my SC (service coordinator) and she goes to look for her. Diane, eventually, comes back with two more full carts of items. She says she couldn’t find them so I call that department and have them meet me at my register.
However, Diane decides to roam around again looking despite me telling her that someone is on the way. At about 5:30, the announcement comes across the store that it is closing. I keep my lane open because Diane still had not checked out yet.
Not long after, I see two employees pulling 3 more full carts without Diane in sight. It takes 3 department heads and the store manager to find her after 30 minutes of looking. At this point, she has thousands of dollars worth of Christmas stuff (because it was on sale) and she has still not paid.
Lo and behold, she had walked into the back of the store, where no customers are allowed, and yelled at a completely different department head to help her find her stuff. They proceed to bring Diane to my register to finally pay for her stuff.
Her checkout was when she really blew up. She first started saying that no one had helped her at all.
Next, she argued that the store was ableist( had she asked, someone, would have definitely helped her through the whole experience).
She then proceeded to yell at everybody in earshot to never shop at the store again. Then, we come to the payment. Obviously, her card declines and she demands that we speak to her bank. Legally, we are not allowed to do that.
My manager proceeds to help her through the checkout. This kind gesture is met with her cursing at us. In total, Diane spent over 5,000 dollars and had nine different carts. We had to get people from different departments to even help get her to her car.
Since I saw that there were enough people, I clock out and start to head for the door. She yells at me and asks where I’m going. I politely tell her my shift has ended. She demands that I help her to her car.
Her demand is met with me continuing to walk out the door with my headphones on. I’ve gotten mixed responses on my actions during the entire event. I do not regret what I did but I’m wondering what some of y’all might think.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you did everything anyone could possibly ask for during the whole event. You even made sure she had enough people helping her before clocking out 30+ minutes after the store closes. In my experience, there are customers who’ll never be satisfied, with whatever you do.
Diane sure seems like one of those.” Medical-Cat-821
Another User Comments:
“Oh, Diane. Diane. Diane, no, what are you doing?
Diane spent thousands of dollars on products that she purchased. The money pays for the products that she walked out of the store with.
What it does not pay for is people scurrying around catering to her every whim because she decided to buy a lot of things.
Spending a lot of money on the ticket price of a lot of things does not in fact entitle you to some crazy level of extra service where you can order staff around like servants.
Your job is to check her out – you did so. Other staff’s job is to show her where stuff is, and they did their best to do so.
It’s no one’s job to call her bank or take stuff to her car for her unless she has paid for that service, which despite her total bill, she has not paid for.
Especially when it’s putting an employee into overtime.
You did your job, you were much more patient with her than was required, and you clocked out when your job was done.
NTJ” Left-Car6520
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not wanting to further help a client who was really misbehaving but the WAY you didn’t help her (walking out with headphones on) probably caused her to have a further tantrum AT YOUR COLLEAGUES, who also didn’t deserve her nonsense.
If you are going to work there long term, I’d suggest buying coffee/donuts or something similar for the people who helped her. ‘Hey, thanks for helping with that crazy lady before Thanksgiving. I had her in and out of my line for an hour and was ready to scream’.” Frosty-Business-6042
2. AITJ Being Mad At My Sister-In-Law For Not Letting My Brother Join My Fiancé's Bachelor Party?
“My (28f) fiancé (32m) and I are getting married on Christmas Eve.
My fiancé’s brother-in-law, aka his sister’s husband, insists on taking him to a strip club as a surprise. I’m not fond of the idea but since we’ve never had a discussion with my fiancé regarding strip clubs being off-limits I don’t want to come off as insecure and tell them not to go last minute.
So I’ll just take it as it is. I know my fiancé is faithful and all but it still feels weird that they’ll take him there. I’ve not shared my actual feelings with anyone except my family, my mom, dad, and my sister and brother.
My mom and sister suggested that in order for me to feel more at peace then my brother should also go to my fiancé’s bachelor party at the strip club so he’ll keep an eye on him.
The minute we suggested that to my brother he kept denying going.
I begged him and told him that he should do this favor to his sister. My mom and sister tried to convince him too. I asked him why he was so against going and he said because his fiancée and I have made an agreement that strip clubs are off limits.
I told him to make an exception for me since it’s something related to my wedding and he still denied it.
I called my future SIL aka my brother’s fiancé to ask about her thoughts on all this and beg her to convince my brother to join the party.
She also denied it. I told her that it’s unfair how they won’t make an exception since I’m his sister, it’s something related to my wedding and my fiancé and it’d be very important for me to have my brother there.
After some back-and-forth convo, my SIL snapped and said she and my brother won’t violate boundaries they’ve established since the start of their relationship for anyone, even for me, and that I should grow a backbone and speak if I don’t want my fiancé to have a party like that.
After that, I called her insecure for not allowing my brother to go to the bachelor party and told her to reflect on her low self-esteem if she can’t let him go just once and that while I don’t like the idea of my fiancé going at least I don’t keep him from doing so.
SIL told my brother what I said and he snapped at me and said that unless I apologize they won’t step foot at my wedding because I was extremely disrespectful and entitled.
My mom and sister believe my brother and SIL are in the wrong but my dad defends my brother.
I don’t know anymore. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You admit to feeling insecure about your fiancé going, and yet you haven’t talked to him about it or verbalized your boundaries. The only reason you’re trying to make your brother go is because of this.
Your brother doesn’t even want to go, your SIL has verbalized her boundaries, and still, you’re calling her insecure. Woman up and talk to your fiancé instead of bullying your brother and his wife.” Medical-Cat-821
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re fighting a losing battle trying to be ‘the cool girl.’ A man, soon to be your BIL, plans to take your fiancé to a place where women are ogled and objectified right before your wedding.
You don’t feel comfortable about that, but the situation puts you in a double bind dilemma: let them go and have bad feelings as a result, or object to them going and risk being labeled ‘insecure’. You’re trying to avoid both these outcomes by involving your brother as a spy (weird) and by burdening another woman in the family who has absolutely nothing to do with this bachelor party!
So, why is it that you feel your SIL has more responsibility to consider your feelings than your fiancé and the BIL on his side? It’s almost as if you hate that she advocates for herself in a way you’re too scared to do… what a jerk, right?
You’re soon to be a married woman… sacrificing your needs to seem like the cool chick and avoid being labeled a jerk is a surefire way to drive yourself crazy. Stop involving your mom, sister, and SIL when it’s the men planning and attending this party who you have issues with.” User
Another User Comments:
“Literally all of this could be solved if you told your fiancé that you were uncomfortable with it. Of course, if it’s not something they do often or ever, it probably wouldn’t come up in conversation until now.
And with the BIL making it a surprise, I wonder if your fiancé would even want to or if it would make them uncomfortable. YTJ because if you have to send someone off to watch your fiancé, you probably shouldn’t be marrying them.
Your brother explicitly told you that they have an off-limits agreement. Trying to guilt your brother by saying this is a wedding-related event? Not great. You were already the jerk before you called her insecure. Boundary stomping is not okay.
Please apologize to them and let your fiancé know how you’re feeling. However they respond, at least you’ll have all the information you need to know going forward with the wedding.” Cute_Blacksmith_9921
1. AITJ For Rebuying The Gifts My Wife Returned?
“We have 3 kids, first one is my niece (wife’s sister) she’s 12.
The middle one is 10, she’s my bonus daughter. The youngest one is 6 she is biologically mine with my wife. This is about the middle child, though. With only a week before Christmas break, she was suspended along with two classmates.
My wife at home with our youngest asked me to handle it.
This was her first suspension, she was in the principal’s office when I arrived and was obviously scared. She not only truthfully stated her involvement but took responsibility for her actions by acknowledging she was wrong.
I was proud of her for doing that, this is what we taught our children. But that didn’t let her off the hook. On the way home I told her this suspension doesn’t mean vacation. She’s to do her schoolwork and regular chores, no video games, and I took her phone away.
This is for the full duration of the suspension since they basically suspended her for the remainder of the semester.
When we got home, I discussed everything with my wife. She said the punishment was too weak. I reminded her she told me to handle it, which I did.
Anything harsher would just make her want to lie next time to protect herself, honestly. My wife felt it was necessary to add to the punishment, she went through her gifts and returned basically everything. She kept necessities like clothes and shoes.
She didn’t even bother to tell me until after she made the returns. It would have ruined her Christmas, honestly mine too and probably the other kids seeing her sad. So I bought everything back minus one item I’m still trying to find since it’s sold out everywhere.
I brought the gifts home and told my wife it was not right to take her Christmas away. She’s just a child and children make stupid choices all the time. After all, the kid knows she did wrong.
She didn’t really say anything and didn’t appear upset either.
The next day I came home to my dresser, nightstand, my side of the closet and my toolboxes ransacked. I then caught her going through my truck… looking for the receipts. Honestly, I was mad at the fact she didn’t even ask for the receipts but tried to find them behind my back to yet again return everything.
Plus the disrespect of going through my stuff like that and leaving a mess, I have never done that to her. I probably should have walked away to cool off but instead ripped into her which caused a huge fight.
This kid isn’t one to get in trouble, this is the first big thing and I feel my wife is overreacting. My niece has done far worse and basically had the same consequence as I gave my daughter. I don’t think it’s fair, my wife thinks I’m undermining her by rebuying the gifts.
She says the consequences I gave aren’t enough to teach a lesson, her idea of snatching Christmas away, she believes will send a message. AITJ for rebuying the gifts?
ETA: My daughter was in the restroom, it was after lunch so crowded. My daughter and two others stayed behind cause one kid had something to show which were firecrackers.
The original plan of the one kid was to light them off after school. However, they couldn’t wait and decided to light a few off then. One kid said to throw them in the toilet since the water would put them out, well it didn’t.
They (one kid being my daughter) lit two of them and toss them in the toilet. They went off, and the second kid, not my daughter and not the kid that brought them decided to light even more and throw those in multiple toilets.
First responders were immediately called. It was all over local social media, word was delayed getting to them so yes there was panic. My daughter and the kid that brought them went into the hallway and immediately started screaming it’s just fireworks.
The panic didn’t last long, but still absolutely enough to scare everyone. My kid and the kid that brought them were very honest about what happened. Two kids were suspended, and the kid that brought them was expelled.
It definitely caught everyone off guard, it was a relaxed school day they were doing some Christmas things after their studies were completed. Quite frankly she’s embarrassed that she’s one of the three that did this.
One thing I didn’t add is when I handed down her consequence I also reminded her of our rule about firework safety, she’s not supposed to be playing with them unless she’s with an adult and given permission.
Someone here mentioned about finding a firework safety course for kids, I like the idea and going to find something locally because this could have ended very differently. I do believe it was enough to scare, and the embarrassment to never do something so stupid again.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
What you did seemed enough consequences for your daughter. You had a conversation with her, and took away her phone, which honestly should be enough because kids can’t live without their phones! Your daughter already seemed remorseful and accepted the consequences of her actions
Your wife went extreme. She went all grinch! She returned all the gifts and tried to steal the stuff you bought to return! It’s worse when you mentioned that your niece has done way worse things, yet wasn’t even punished the same way!
Why does she want to torture your daughter that much?!
You were also correct that making the consequence the way your wife wanted WOULD make your daughter lie in the future and not talk to either of you if/when she’s in trouble.
Or even if she just needed someone to talk to because she would feel judged by you both.
You and your wife have a huge issue here… and it’s not just about the daughter.” silly_vengeful_sloth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your daughter showed remorse for her actions, and your wife’s response to your punishment is to ruin Christmas for everyone. That’s so freaking whacked. You’re 100% right. Any further punishment would encourage her to hide it next time. You set the record straight by establishing that this was a punishment period and not a vacation to her.
Your daughter understood. I don’t know what’s going on with your wife, but she’s off her rocker with this overreaction.
I think going forward, you and your wife need to get on the same page about punishment with your kids.
You need to tell your wife that the next time she says, ‘You to handle it,’ she needs to back up your decisions and support you. She undermined your discretion and authority as a father, and that’s not ok.
Not to mention her blatant disregard and respect for your possessions.” carbinePRO
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m going to be honest, the firecrackers in school were potentially dangerous, not to mention probably scaring the crap out of anyone who heard.
So she deserved to be suspended. That said, taking away a holiday from one kid is a lot. I’m assuming the 6-year-old still believes in Santa, so how would that be explained? But I don’t think that necessarily means your wife is being vindictive.
This may have scared her and she wants to put a stop to dangerous things now, while she’s still so young. But the thing to do would be to sit and openly discuss what your daughter did, not further her punishment.
I think you did the right thing.” Brilliant_Rock_5230
