People Seek Advice For Their Controversial Relationship Dilemmas
24. Should I Consider Giving My Two-Timing Partner A Second Chance?
“My partner (24M) and I (23F) have been together for 5 months.
Before being in a relationship, we were close friends for 10 years. I found out that he was being unfaithful to me last week, since then he has been sending me flowers every single day with a letter.
When we were just friends, we both kinda knew we would end up together.
We were already talking about our future. I find him so unique and there’s no one like him. He makes me a better person. However, he betrayed me. He has a history of being unfaithful to his ex as well. He is saying that he will never be able to find someone like me and that he is willing to change for me.
One of my exes has been unfaithful to me before and I was able to break up with him easily because I know it’s not worth being in a relationship with someone unfaithful. However this time I’m really indecisive. Especially when he’s making an effort to bring me flowers every day…
Has anyone been there? How did you decide whether it’s worth it to give your partner a second chance or not?”
Another User Comments:
“Honey… he has a history of being unfaithful, he two-timed you 5 MONTHS in.
He will continue to do that.
Do not stay, do not give him another chance.
You fell for an idealized version of him. As a friend, he could have been amazing but he is not a good partner.” q************k
Another User Comments:
“I’m not trying to be flippant, but you’re 23 and you have your whole life ahead of you. Your life is more than a man, whether you’ve known him since you were 13 or not.
Take this time to grow as an adult and to grow on your own, without conforming yourself to suit a man who has disrespected you very early in your relationship.
Use this as a hard lesson in recognizing red flags and cut all contact.
Breakups are painful but that pain is temporary.
What is more painful is staying in a relationship where you’re likely to be hurt again and again.
Rip off the bandaid. He doesn’t deserve you and you don’t deserve to be treated like this. You will find someone who will honor you and someone whom you can trust fully.” Antique-Eggplant-396
23. Should I Tell My Partner That Her Weight Gain Is Making Her Less Attractive?
“My (20M) partner (20F) and I have been together for a little over 3 years, and this is still the first relationship I’ve been in. It’s certainly gone MUCH better than I would’ve ever expected my first relationship to go, and we as people are very compatible.
Our personalities mesh better than any girl I’ve ever spoken to and I really hope we stay together forever.
That being said, her weight gain has caused her to be quite a bit less attractive to me. Over the course of our relationship, she has probably put on roughly 60 lbs, with the majority of that coming in the last year-year and a half.
Our personal life has gotten noticeably worse, and I really just am not in the mood NEARLY as much as I used to be. She is scheduled for surgery in December, and she says that after the surgery she can only lose about 10 lbs. without causing some problems, so this has become a more pressing issue.
Me personally, I’ve always been relatively in shape as I played baseball in high school and have been generally very active my whole life. I’ve also had quite a gym journey recently and have lost about 8 lbs. body weight while putting on a significant amount of muscle.
I’m sitting at 140 lbs. with ~12% body fat. Fitness has always been important to me, but now it’s kind of an integral part of my life, and I think that makes her weight gain much more impactful to me. She always talks about how she wants to lose it, and it’s a weekly occurrence where she will “start a diet” only to stop 2 days later.
At first I just acted like nothing was wrong and she didn’t need to change, because in reality it wasn’t that big of a deal. But over time, it’s just built up and her failed promises to not just me, but also herself have gotten frustrating and I don’t know what to do.
I’ve recently stopped beating around the bush a bit and have tried to be supportive of her and help her with her endeavors, and I always ask her to start coming to the gym with me but she never has. I’ve never outright told her that her weight is becoming an issue and that she needs to lose it, but I’m beginning to think I might need to.
Again, this relationship has felt almost as perfect as possible, but I’m really just not that attracted to her anymore. Should I tell her how I am feeling? If so, how? If not, what else should I do?”
Another User Comments:
“I am asking these two questions for clarification: her weight is becoming an issue for you or her?
In what aspect is her weight becoming an issue (health/spirit or aesthetic-wise)?
If it is mainly aesthetic that you are worried about (correct me if I am wrong, but it seems this way since you listed stats pertaining to you as well, as if you think you deserve someone fit), then I think it is time to find another relationship or talk to a professional about what having a partner means to you (hopefully, they are the right reasons).
Maybe finding someone better suited for you, like someone that is into fitness would be good for both of you.
Please do not hang on to someone you are only going to drag down if they do not lose weight (this is her own journey and will be done at her own pace).
I just feel that eventually, resentment will be felt from both ends.
If you are not attracted to her and truly love her, I would do the selfless thing and move on…so she can find someone that is attracted to her and better suited for her, and you can too…” MadelynMagdalene
Another User Comments:
“Just leave dude…you’re gonna end up ruining her sense of self-worth. A lot of women struggle to lose weight..it’s not as easy for some of us as it is for others. If you think you’re doing “so much better than her” then leave.
I’m sure she’ll find somebody that will love and cherish her no matter her weight gain.” Significant_Call_410
22. My Partner Blames My Weight Gain For Our Relationship Failing, What Should I Do?
“Pretty gutted and just looking for solace/words of wisdom, so bear with me. I’ve (28F) been with my partner (30M) for 1.5 years and have lived with him for the past year. We were crazy about each other from the very beginning and very much aligned with what we wanted out of life.
We moved fast, but we both seemed utterly confident that we were endgame.
A few months into the relationship; I gained about 10-15 pounds. Some of this I have been able to lose, but it’s definitely fluctuated over the past year. For reference; I’m 5’8 and 150 pounds now.
I think the weight gain had multiple factors: new birth control, diet change after moving in together, stressful new job. I’m very insecure about this weight, and I’ve asked my partner multiple times if it bothers him. He tells me point blank that he is a little less attracted to me, but that he loves me all the same.
Outside of this, we have an ideal relationship. We are emotionally on the same page, have a very active personal life, and are each other’s best friends. A couple of times, though, I’ve noticed that he seems a little bit more reluctant to talk about our future than before.
This came to a head yesterday when I brought up how I was feeling. He was all over the place – first he said that he didn’t know if he wanted kids, then he said he was just enjoying this current phase of life too much to think about the future, and finally he confessed that he loved me but didn’t think that his feelings were where they should be.
He generally is pretty bad with conflict, so I asked if there was something I had done; to which the answer was no.
Then, I brought up the weight again. He broke down and confessed that yes, he attributes his loss of feelings to me gaining weight; and that he feels awful about it.
I asked if it really was just the weight, and he went on to say that my hair was falling out at a fast rate and that I was getting wrinkles. I mean, he’s not wrong. I look at pictures from myself a year ago and want to cry.
I guess the stress of my job has really taken a toll on me – I’m not really sure what else it could be. I’ve gone to a doctor to have my hormones checked and started a medication/topical solution for my hair a while ago. I take care of my skin and sometimes get Botox; although I haven’t been able to lately because of finances.
I try to work out and eat healthy, but I find myself always coming back to this 150 lb mark after even a bit of indulgence. When we met, I was on an extremely restrictive diet and also didn’t always have finances for food. I don’t think I can live that way anymore.
It’s not that I don’t care or notice these things. I think I’m generally still an attractive person, but my self-worth has taken such a huge hit.
I don’t think there’s much chance of coming back from this; even if I wanted. I could definitely try to change these things, but at the end of the day I’m never really going to always look the same.
I just don’t know how to handle this – we share the apartment until mid-October. He offered to go live at home but to pay for me to stay here if we end up breaking up. I genuinely just feel like I don’t have the capacity to handle this right now.
I have an extremely stressful job and am not able to perform with these issues on my mind. I guess there isn’t much advice to give here… has anybody gone through something similar on either end? Any advice to give to power through? Thanks.”
Another User Comments:
“Sister, your body is responding to the changes in your life (BC, stress, new home) in ways that are not unusual. Weight fluctuation is a thing that is going to happen, as are wrinkles and skin changes.
At 28 I had a total hysterectomy and my then-partner hated the changes to my body (did he prefer the cancer?!) I’m now 35 and married to a man who accepts my changing, excellent body in all its weird forms.
You deserve acceptance for the body you HAVE. Not the one you had.
I hope you find a good solution for you.” HumanXeroxMachine
Another User Comments:
“He’s not a long-term partner I’m afraid. Everyone ages and gains weight. Heck, he is probably losing his hairline as we speak. He wants a partner that is frozen in time, and no one can be that.
I think it’s best you just find someone different.” IHaveABigDuvet
Please, PLEASE dump him. Get rid of the constant criticism and the projected feelings of inadequacy, and I guarantee you, your hair loss will go away, your attitude will improve, and you'll wonder how in the heck you ever let him treat you that way. I know - I was married to an @*****e just like your SO for six years, and it took me ten years to get over the PTSD so I could have a healthy relationship. It's not you, it's him. Kick his narcissistic @*$ to the curb.
21. My Partner Wants Me To Help Out With Expenses But I Can't, How Can I Get Him To Back Off?
“I (25F) am in my last year of a Ph.D.
program and live in student housing. A change in school policy caused me to have to move out for the summer with only two weeks’ notice. I have zero family that would be able to help.
My partner (45M) and I had been together for ten months (now over a year).
This is my first ever relationship. The day that I found out I was soon to be without a home, he called and heard in my voice that I was stressed. I began to cry and told him of my situation, but I in no way implied that I expected him to help.
Almost immediately, he said “You can just move in with me for the summer!” I was taken aback but after a long call of him insisting, I agreed that I would if I couldn’t find another solution. I made it very clear that I would not be able to pay rent, and as move-in day approached, I gave him opportunities to back out if he felt weird about it.
I repeated that I could not contribute to rent but planned to get a summer job to pay for food and get back on my feet to move out at the end of August. (The summer job hunt ended up being a mess, and I only make a little money every two weeks or so with odd jobs).
The landlord ended up making him pay an extra $50 per month (4 months, $200 total) as a fee for having an extra person. Again, I could not cover this, but my partner said it was fine and still wanted me to move in.
My partner is older and has only lived with one long-term partner before.
He kind of lived his life as a bachelor and is slowly adapting to being with someone he cares about and shifting out of the bachelor life.
His place is gross and hasn’t been cleaned well in over a decade. I have put hours and hours into deep cleaning and have drastically transformed the space and do his laundry.
My minimal belongings are stacked in a side room that he has never used anyway. I do not mix my belongings with his, as to not make him feel like I am taking over. You wouldn’t even know anybody else was living here aside from it being clean.
My partner spends half of his week at this residence and then drives to his parents’ for the remainder of the week. I mention this to clarify that even if I was not living here, he would still be paying rent for himself regardless if he was here, and the utilities stay pretty constant even if he is not here using them.
Our theory is that the city charges everyone an average amount rather than actually checking the meters.
After a while of living together, he began to make comments about money and demand that I pay for things like snacks, beverages, etc. I drive us around everywhere (gas). I was paying half for food like usual for as long as I could.
I have paid for all house materials (toilet paper, cleaner, soap, etc.) for the whole time I have been here. When I try to explain that I literally have $20 to my name at times and cannot buy the stuff he wants, he flips out and says that he pays $750 rent and I don’t contribute.
He claims that I am causing him to pay high utilities, but as I previously stated, they are in line with what they were last year when I wasn’t here at all.
Essentially, he is paying what he would be paying normally without me living here, aside from the extra $50 monthly fee.
I am extremely grateful for what he has done for me and express this. However, I was upfront from the beginning and our deal was clear. To thank him, my plan was to give him $500 once I was back on my feet as a student and moved out.
Again, this was never our original deal, but a plan that I made vocal to him recently after him getting mad. I said do not count on it, but I would like to kick you back some funds. This is all I can offer, as I am not allowed to have a full job while in my Ph.D.
program. His ears perked up at that and now he acts like I owe him that and more.
He “borrows” funds from me for beverages and other things and when I ask for it back there is always a fight even though he promised to give it back.
It might be worth mentioning that he is spoiled by his family who gives him money often.
What is your opinion on the situation? What can I do to remind him of our original agreement and make him understand that I do not have money to give? If I had money – I would totally pay.
For reference, months prior to this move-in, I spent $100 on his birthday after barely knowing him and $400 for Christmas prior to running out of my savings and being without a home. My birthday is on Christmas, and he didn’t get me a gift for either.
If relevant – upon graduation I will make 90k starting, and he has the background to make 60-70k but is choosing to substitute teach instead part-time only (20-30k with no summer income).”
Another User Comments:
“Keep the peace until you can move out. You’re going to outgrow this guy pretty soon and move onto bigger and better things. Just don’t waste too much money on him and do not get pregnant with him. He needs you waaaaay more than you need him.” Lilypad_Leaper
Another User Comments:
“There’s a reason he’s only ever had one other relationship. As you stated he’s your first real relationship, let me tell you nothing about this is a fair or equitable situation and he lacks ambition, which seems the opposite of you. This is not someone you should stay with, you can do so much better.” drinkinwine
20. I Caught My Partner Hooking Up With His Ex, Should I Confront Him Or Walk Away?
“I (f43) just caught my partner of 2 years, Kenny (m40), being unfaithful. His affair partner is his ex, Sheila (f37), and it’s impossible that she doesn’t know about me because he posts about us on his social media.
I own a very successful business. This is important to the story.
Since my actual home is hours away and I do spend time closing with clients in his town, I agreed to partially live together. Last year, he was out of furniture, so I agreed to fully furnish his whole place as we talked about marriage. We decided to make the place nice so that we could eventually sell it and he could reimburse me for the expenses.
I bought very high-end furniture. His place is modest but with a lot of TLC, a buyer could want to invest. Because of my job, I get retail clients so I have access to very nice things.
I’ve been noticing things for weeks. His phone doesn’t leave his side.
He takes naps and keeps the phone under his armpit. His jokes have become disrespectful and demeaning and he has been showing up home a bit later than usual.
I had a programmed business trip. Occasional traveling is part of my growth now. I told him the wrong arrival date (like 5 days later).
I arrived back, got home, and found her car in a secluded spot in the parking lot. I know her car because it was his and he sold it to her and he claimed that she was already about to get married.
It was pretty late, so I started getting sick with anxiety and saw lots of dirty dishes in the sink.
Stupid me I’m still hoping that there’s some type of mistake. I get to the bedroom and find her sleeping with him, both snoring, and she is in her undergarments. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t confront them. I felt like I was going to get sick so I just rushed back to my car.
I haven’t said anything, I haven’t even been able to process anything. I’m afraid of breaking down in front of him because at this point I’m convinced that he doesn’t deserve my tears or the ego boost. I’m actively avoiding him because I can’t stomach talking to him right now.
I just keep telling him that I’m busy. His voice messages are perky and enthusiastic as if nothing is happening.
So I just don’t even know what I’m asking for here. I don’t know if I should confront him or if I should just empty out the apartment when he’s out.
I don’t know if I should go see him or what, I just don’t know. What I know is that I’ve been two-timed before and I’m certain that I will not forgive him because the last time I forgave, the guy convinced me because I was in front of him and I got weak and I accepted taking him back and I got two-timed again.
So I just don’t know what to do, please advise.”
Another User Comments:
“Rent a storage locker in town. Find a local moving company with a box truck. Hire them to show up with you to grab everything you’ve paid for and move it to the storage locker.
With movers there, he won’t try anything or if he does, you’ll have witnesses. Plus, you’ll be able to get your stuff.
You already know he will two-time again so you know you have to end it. You’re just in shock from knowing it’s happening again and with his ex.
Get through that shock by focusing on the task of getting your stuff out.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“Take everything you bought, everything he gave you, and everything that was already yours, and leave with everything. The closer in time you do it from the incident, the better it’ll be.
And the clearer it’ll be for him what he did wrong. He doesn’t deserve a conversation. He was stupid and messy. A bad liar, not even sneaky about it. He may as well have had an affair in your face. He has no respect for you, show him none in return.” twiztid_sister
19. How Do I Keep Helping Out My Friend Without Dismissing My Son's Feelings In The Process?
“I’m seeking some advice on a situation I’ve found myself in recently, and I could really use your insights on how to handle it.
I have this friend whose son is 15 years old, and my own son is around the same age. Now, the thing is, my son is perfectly fine staying home by himself when needed, but my friend’s son is not allowed to do so.
So, my friend often asks me if I can watch her son, let’s call him Jake when she’s busy or has to run errands.
The tricky part is that my son and Jake have quite different personalities, and they don’t exactly hit it off well. My son finds Jake a bit annoying and rude sometimes, and he honestly doesn’t want to be friends with him.
However, Jake really wants to be friends with my son and constantly seeks opportunities to hang out with him. It puts me in a difficult spot because I want to be there for my friend, but I also don’t want to force a friendship that my son is uncomfortable with.
Despite my son expressing his feelings, I recently invited Jake over for a day to help my friend out. After Jake left, my son told me how much he dislikes it when I invite Jake over, and he feels like his boundaries are not being respected. I’m conflicted now because I care about my son’s feelings, but I also don’t want to let my friend down when she genuinely needs my help.
Has anyone else faced a similar situation? How did you handle it? I want to strike a balance here and do what’s right for both boys, but it’s proving to be more challenging than I anticipated.”
Another User Comments:
“I think it says a lot about the maturity of your son that he is coming to you and speaking to you like that and letting you know that his boundaries are being crossed and that he is uncomfortable and it would break a bond between you guys if you continued to have this kid over when he is vocalizing it to you.
I have got a five-year-old son and I could understand watching my friend’s kid who is also about his age and they don’t get along – because at that age they are still learning to get along and I feel like it could be put down to just not wanting to share and stuff.
But at 15 years old I would never try to force a friendship or have another kid over here when my child was outwardly saying that they do not like them and they don’t get along with them. There is no reason that you cannot continue the friendship with your friend though I think if they are truly your friend they will understand that you can’t force people to get along with people and everybody is an individual with their own personality and if she really is your true friend she will keep hanging out with you and she will just find somewhere else for her kid to go when she needs someone to watch him.
But as a mother you definitely need to cut it out because your son is being very upfront and you’re breaking a bond of trust and like comfortability with him by bringing someone into the household that he does not like. That you KNOW he does not.” kizzespleasee3
Another User Comments:
“Are you “babysitting” the friend or is your son? It sounds like you are agreeing to “watch” this kid but actually just forcing him on your son, against his will. I’d stop agreeing to it, but if you do, then don’t make the boys interact.
Go somewhere else with the kid, or entertain him yourself. He’s your responsibility, but it sounds like you’re just forcing your son to take care of him.” royalsiblings
18. I'm Struggling To Accept My Partner's Past Relationship With A Married Man, What Should I Do?
“Woman I’m seeing used to see a married man.
We’re both 34 and have been seeing each other for about a month.
The woman I’m seeing used to be with a much older married man in her youth. She knew he was married the entire time, she even knew his kids.
She only told me about this after things started to get serious between us.
I don’t know what to do. She seems very kind and intelligent besides this. I like her and it seems like we were made for each other but I cannot look past this thing, I just cannot deal with the lack of integrity.
Every time I think about this I feel sick and I imagine that could have been my father.
What can I do about this?”
Another User Comments:
“You can ask her to talk to you more about it because you’re a little stuck on it, and you want to understand better what the relationship was, who she was then, and who she is now.
The more you try to understand things from her point of view, the less judgment you’ll have.
And if you conclude that this past relationship reflects some aspect of her character that you simply can’t accept, then that’s something that is important for you to know.” Initial_Donut_6098
Another User Comments:
“Oof. Alright, I did this when I was younger. It’s been several years now, and I have so many regrets. I’m not the same person I was then. I was…awful and broken. I’m still kinda broken inside, but I’ve learned a lot about who I am and who I don’t want to be, and I’ve put in work to do better.
I will never do anything like that again. I can’t speak for everyone who’s done this, of course, but I’ve grown so much, and it sucks that I know I have a crappy past that will likely be held against me. I can’t change what I’ve done, but I make sure to change it moving forward.” suedoughnim42
17. My Wife's Estranged Father Sent Me An Apology Email, Should I Keep It A Secret?
“So my (33M) wife (28F) and I have been together for 8 years. In that time she has never had a relationship with her father. I don’t know the whole story (she does not talk about her childhood much).
I do know her dad is a lawyer who has his own firm, and from what she has told me her dad really really wanted her to go to law school so he could let her take over the firm. She has no interest in being a lawyer and her dad more or less tried to force it on her, leading to a big blow-up fight where, according to her, “things were said that can’t be taken back.”
Over the years we’ve been together, her dad reopened communication a couple of times. He would promise that he just wanted to fix things and have a relationship again. Every time my wife would seem optimistic and hopeful, but it never works out. The first time it happened she agreed to meet with him to talk, just for him to not show up.
She was severely disappointed and sad for several days afterward.
The second time he tried was a couple of years after the first. She agreed to go to dinner with him and, again, seemed to be hopeful that they would finally be able to have a relationship again.
She went to dinner with him, but stormed back into the house a couple hours later and slammed the door behind her. When I asked what happened she just told me “He’s still a terrible person.” She cried that night and told me his peace offering was to offer to pay for her to go to law school, while throwing shade at her current career.
So anyway, it has been a couple of years since that happened, and they have had no contact as far as I know.
But yesterday I got an email from her dad at my work email address. It said something to the effect that he is so sorry for everything that happened and he just wants to know his daughter again, and he doesn’t think she’ll answer him if he contacts her directly, so he wants me to tell her he is sorry and wants to hear from her.
I haven’t told her about it. I’m worried if I do it will just get her hopes up again, and then she’ll be crushed (again) when it doesn’t work out. She’s doing great in her career and life in general, and I don’t think she deserves to have it interrupted again by her dad.
My initial instinct is that she’s better off if I just keep it to myself.
At the same time, I’m not really sure if she’d want me to keep it from her. I’m not in the habit of keeping secrets from her, and I worry she’ll be hurt if she finds out I didn’t share her dad’s attempt to reach out to her.
Could I please have some outside perspective? Is it wrong for me to keep her dad’s email a secret? Should I tell her about it, even knowing it will almost certainly end with her in tears?”
Another User Comments:
“Unless you are absolutely certain that she would not want to know, tell her.
Treat her as an equal partner who deserves to have information relevant to her life and to decide what to do with that information. You can ask her as part of that conversation if she wants to know if it ever happens again, but for this time, err on the side of honesty.” Amaranthesque
Another User Comments:
“Her father sounds like a colossal jerk who wouldn’t think twice about throwing you out if he thinks it would benefit him to get what he wants. I’d show the email to your wife and let her lead the way on how to deal with it.
And just be there for support whatever she decides.” Cocoasneeze
16. I Just Found Out My Fiance Two-Timed Me Two Years Ago, Do I Walk Away?
“My (33F) fiance (31M) and I have been together for almost 6 years. We moved in together after a year of going out, and then when I got pregnant in 2021 we moved in with my parents to save up for our place and get help with my son.
5 months after having my son I got pregnant again so we now have 2 sons together 5 months and 15 months. Things have been great, obviously we have disagreements here and there but he’s very involved. We live in my family house and my siblings have moved out already so there’s plenty of room.
About 3 months before I got pregnant with my first son I miscarried very early on at 5 weeks. The day after, his grandmother passed away. She basically raised him and we had been trying for a baby so needless to say this was a hard time for him. So when he was invited to a bachelor party around the same time in Mexico I actually encouraged him to go.
I knew I couldn’t travel and I knew he could definitely use a vacation. He came back and like I said things were all good.
Fast forward to today I’m home with the kids and he calls me on his lunch break like he does every day we talk and after a while I need to feed one of the kids so we say our usual “I love you talk to you later.” Basically I had my headphones on so I didn’t hang up and neither did he and he immediately starts talking to his coworker saying something along the lines of “oh there’s a lot of girls outside today” (he works at a construction site) “and just because he can’t do anything doesn’t mean he can’t look” and then goes into this story about how “but when I went to Mexico for a bachelor party a few years back we had some girls staying next door to our air b&b they were down to party” and that long story short he went back to get something with one of the girls, she came onto him and “they hooked up”.
Right after he said it he realized I was still on the phone and hung up. I called back and told him I heard it all. He obviously is trying to contact me but I don’t even know where to go from here. Like I said things have been great.
What the actual heck I’m still in shock.
Do I walk away? When I said I heard it all he said “I was just talking crap babe.””
Another User Comments:
“When I was 23 I worked with a guy like that. He would brag. He didn’t care. I tried to tell the girl he was two-timing on.
They split but she ended up getting back with him and she married him.
He two-timed her with countless women, including coworkers and people close to her. I dropped this dude as a friend years ago.
Don’t be like her. Walk away.” OhScheisse
Another User Comments:
“I worked in the Bahamas for a few years and had a few American guys that worked for me as field techs.
They would spend 3 weeks at a time out there. They all had wives and children and all of them were decent guys (held solid jobs, respectful, nice, good to work with). One was a dear friend of mine, but I watched him two-time his wife all the time.
He even had a Bahamian partner for a while. There may have been only one out of 5 that didn’t screw around. They could get away with anything and their wives didn’t know. We no longer work there and my friend has since improved things with his wife. My heart breaks for her because I don’t think she knows.
Anyway, my point is, men can seem like involved caring fathers and husbands while living a separate life with the boys. They view the mothers of their children as a guaranteed anchor in their lives, but then step outside of the marriage to have their “fun.” I don’t know how they can compartmentalize the two lives while remaining free from guilt, but they do.
Believe your husband when he tells you who he is. You have an image of the man you believe you know, but clearly there’s a part of himself and his life that he doesn’t allow you to be part of. The fact that he can talk about it so casually is really what speaks volumes about his true character.
If he was ashamed at all, he’d take it to his grave. I’m sure he will convince you that he’s sorry. Remember what he said when he didn’t think you could hear him. That’s your fiance in his raw form.” Those_Lingerers
15. I'm Struggling To Convince My Partner I Love Her Despite Her Insecurities, What Can I Do?
“So I’ve (25M) been in a relationship for the past 1 year and 4 months. The beginning was really good, we had great moments, a lot of outings.
I had some issues where I was immature and childish in some areas but thankfully I could get them resolved. But now my partner (25F) seems unhappy almost 24/07 and cries almost every day… We finally talked after a long time of her being like this and the conclusion she gave me was that she thought I didn’t love her.
She had problems with being overweight for a bit in her life which traumatized her even though now she’s slim and she thinks no one would love her. I try to give her all the love and attention I can, I try to be sweet by giving her lots of cuddles.
But it all reverts back to her being sad and crying and me comforting her.
She’s been staying at my house for the past couple of days, and we talked about how our relationship was gonna work out and that we could make it work. And things have been good for 1-2 days.
But to my surprise, yesterday she seemed kinda in a low mood, and I asked her what’s going on. She never answers or talks when problems arise and she’s feeling down btw. So, once again, she didn’t answer and I gave her cuddles and attention.
This was late at night and I had to work early the day after, I was looking for a cable to charge my work phone and I looked inside her computer bag to see if she had any cable.
To my surprise, the pictures in my room and wallet of both of us were inside it. I confronted her if she was the one to take my pictures which she said yes, but never gave me a reason. She also told me that the first picture of us which was a gift from her, she had thrown it out a month ago.
This was a shock to me. We went to sleep, I tried talking, but she didn’t talk, I took a diazepam and fell asleep. This was around 11 p.m.
Around 2 a.m. I wake up because of the noise and light in my room. She was packing her things.
She had her pictures and a picture book I was building of our relationship in her bag. I honestly don’t know what else I can do as she literally thinks I don’t love her and the only reason we are intimate is because I pity her. I’m desperate and want to help her, but she doesn’t want to be helped or doesn’t think I love her and wants me to break up with her.
Is this common behavior? This is only my second relationship and I don’t know what to think. Also don’t know if I should break up or not as it seems I’m only hurting her.”
Another User Comments:
“This is a hard one and does not seem to be about you.
Your partner has some self-esteem issues to resolve and is projecting the fact that you don’t love her because, honestly, she does not love herself. You need to have a talk with her about therapy. If she ever deflects and says that you do not love her, be gentle, but firm: yes you do and she cannot tell you how you feel, this is about how SHE feels.
“I love you, I would not hug you/give you that much attention if I did not love you. However, you do not believe me and all of my proofs of love. It seems like nothing I will ever do will convince you, and it honestly seems like YOU want to end the relationship, not me.
I am willing to go to therapy with you and work on this. Are you?”
If I may: writing helps in that situation. Write what you want to say and read it to her. Ask her to listen to you until the very end and THEN react. You might get something else than tears.
Last but not least: you are not a therapist. If she does not show any signs of wanting help, if she constantly pushes you away, then you might need, indeed, to go away, for your own mental health.” TinyLittlePanda
Another User Comments:
“I am going to speak toward your health.
Caring for someone that is going through what she is, is very draining emotionally and physically on the other person in the relationship. At some point you are going to sacrifice your happiness in an attempt to make her happy. This is a very unhealthy balance in any relationship.
She needs therapy, she has issues with her self-esteem, self-image, depression, and more. I know you love her very much, but just prepare yourself for months, if not years of work. You need to probably see someone to help you navigate through this if you decide to stay together.
It might be worth considering, stepping away from the relationship until she is better. You can still help her as a friend.
I am not trying to be heartless, but you also have to look after yourself and your own mental health.
Good luck to you.” SandJFun74
14. Is It Reasonable To Expect The Guy I'm Seeing To Drink Less The Night Before Our Plans?
“I (29F) have known this guy (31M) for a while through work (not currently working together) and have been out a few times with him.
He asked if I was free in a couple of days. I said I was, then proposed a couple of activities we could do. He said he wouldn’t be up for much because he’s going out the night prior and will be drinking a lot.
I don’t expect him to cancel his plans the night before, which were standing before he asked me to do anything.
However, it seems reasonable to me that he could go out and simply drink less to reduce the intensity of the hangover, thus being in better condition the next day.
Is it unreasonable of me to expect this? Am I being a killjoy? Should I even still agree to see him that day?
I took it as a big red flag and was insulted, but I don’t know if I’m taking it too personally.”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, it’s a little weird. I wouldn’t want to hang out with someone who’s all sick from a major drinking night out.
When’s he even going to wake up that day, like 2 pm? He’ll have been out all night then groggy and ill the next day and just want to sit around the house? I’d politely decline.” Lady_Salamander
Another User Comments:
“Be a killjoy, he is.
Why would you want to go out with a guy who is hungover? I’d expect him to ask you out on a day when you can both have fun, not a day when he is recovering from his night out. Why would you want what he is offering?
It is always fine to say that what he is offering doesn’t work for you. He can either up his game or you never go out with him. If he does up his game it has to stay up. Not a few good dates and then you get him hungover all the time.” BlazingSunflowerland
Another User Comments:
“I had a guy I was super into take me on one of our only official dates extremely hungover. It was so disappointing. I felt like he was half present and I was awkward and anxious because of it the entire time. I also felt like he really didn’t give a crap about me or our time together or he would’ve taken it a little easier the night before.
Another time I had a guy come over to my apartment for a date when the plan was for me to cook him dinner. I went all out and made Thai curry & fresh spring rolls with homemade peanut sauce. He asked if he should bring anything and I asked him to bring over a 6 pack of beer, we even had a conversation about what kind would go best with the meal. He showed up with no 6 pack and so hungover that he was too sick to eat and took like 7 bites of the food I had put so much time and energy into.
These jerks didn’t care about me. Their behavior was immature and rude. Honestly, I would rather have been canceled on. I, myself, party… so I understand a hangover, I really do. But if he can’t make his party plans around his plans with you instead of expecting you to accommodate a night of heavy drinking he refuses to avoid, screw that guy.
Red flag city. Move on and find someone who will respect you in the little nuanced ways… that matters a lot.” beam_me_uppp
13. Is It So Bad That I Want To Set Boundaries With My MIL Over Christmas?
“Christmases in our blended family are going to be stressful.
I am now figuring this out.
My (35M) wife, “Sarah” (34F), is from the opposite coast of me. She moved here on purpose to escape the little parochial area she grew up in. Her mom and dad split up in 2021 after 35 years of marriage. We have been married for four years.
My family all lives within a 45-minute plane ride or 2-hour car ride from each other on this coast. My sister and I both live in extremely “destination” style cities. In addition, Sarah’s brother “Mike” lives in the same city as us.
To make a long story short, my mother-in-law is “setting a boundary” (I really do not like this use of the word boundary, I think it’s manipulative) that Christmas will be at her house this year.
She is refusing to travel at all and says that she always travels for Christmas.
This has been true for the past two years – we did blended Christmas at my sister’s in 2021, and blended Christmas at our newly-purchased home in 2022.
I think this is a power play by her mom, and also ignores the fact that Sarah and I travel to see her at least twice a year.
She lives far away from airports, so it’s always a heavy lift, but we bear it because she is family.
Logistically, there’s basically two options for me and Sarah: we have two whole Christmases with both sides of the family, or we have one blended Christmas. My sister has a 7yo and a husband whose work deals in shipping/logistics/delivery, so December is an absurdly busy month for them and they functionally cannot travel.
I also have a job that needs doing in December, and so does Sarah.
I think we need to set a (counter-?)boundary with her mom. I need advice on how to work through the problem.”
Another User Comments:
“I think she knows what “boundary” means. She’s making a demand.
Guessing she just misses having everyone together at her house for the holidays, and hosting is different than being a guest somewhere.
I’d try talking it out without hostility and all the “boundary” nonsense. Maybe it’s not possible this year, but maybe you could all plan a family gathering at MIL’s house some other time.” Choice-Muffin2398
Another User Comments:
“Healthy boundaries are about what you would do, not about what other people should do. Interpreted very generously, your MIL is saying she’s simply not going to travel for Christmas. So you guys need to make your own decisions with that in mind. Don’t try to talk her into visiting if she’s not willing to, but also don’t take that to mean that you’re obligated to visit if that doesn’t work for you.
Maybe you guys can visit and do Christmas at Thanksgiving or early in the new year?” miligato
12. How Can I Get My Family To Experience The Neglect They Put Me Through?
“My (23F) childhood memories are of nothing but sitting beneath the bleachers for my brother’s sporting events.
My parents used me as their #1 servant for all of their events whether it be sports banquets, grad parties, weddings, fiancée bridal showers, you name it. I was the one sitting through 8-hour commencements and month-long party preps and putting together slideshows and being enslaved by my narc-abusive mother to put on the greatest celebrations on earth for the golden children.
And when it came time for my milestones, my achievements, my sporting events, my graduation, no one lifted a finger.
I graduated undergrad in May and my oldest brother (M28) nor his wife even gave a darn to try to show up. The middle child brother (M25) and his fiancée did make the effort however I was rushed out of my own graduation because of how miserable it was for them to be there supporting me for once.
They only showed up so that I would continue supporting them for their upcoming wedding (again, putting on an elaborate bridal shower for the fiancée, making a slideshow for the rehearsal dinner, etc). And they were complaining about having to be there and patronizing me out of my own darn accomplishment.
I just want them to feel how I feel for once. To be overlooked, neglected, forced to be the #1 cheerleader and servant for their celebrations and milestones fully knowing I won’t get a fraction of the same support back. This makes me feel incredibly depressed knowing my existence simply doesn’t matter to them.
I carry so much anger and resentment, and I don’t know what to do with it. I want them to feel how I feel but I don’t know how. Help.”
Another User Comments:
“One sucky thing to learn as we get older is that what is important to us isn’t necessarily important to others.
Your brothers may simply not feel ‘cheerleading’ aka emotionally supporting milestones to be important. Unfortunately this could especially be the case because they’re older so mentally moved on from those life points (eg in my mid-30s I now don’t think finishing high school is any kind of significant achievement for a healthy/typical kid and grade school ‘graduation’ is a joke — I wouldn’t tell kids this to their face, I’m just giving a different view).
Another way of looking at it: were you specifically asked to support them or just decided on your own it was important?
Another example: I love Christmas. Think family photos and gifts and decorating are important. I think it’s a time of hopefulness and thinking of others and family.
My mum and sister simply don’t care about Christmas. They find it stressful and annoying and silly. It saddens me to no end they don’t share my excitement and are even resentful when I do things like push for photos, but I have to also see their side and I now try to only push for a ‘big’ Christmas every 3 years or so.
You can be angry, but it’s important to check in with whether they know you think you did a service to begin with.” Zorgas
Another User Comments:
“Enforce boundaries. Stop being so present in their lives when it takes more out of you. Don’t ghost them. Of course not.
Family events and such make sense.
But stop going out of your way for them. They’ll either notice the change or they won’t – I can’t decide which of those is worse. Surround yourself with people who give good energy back to you.” 5weetTooth
11. My Partner Has Lied To Me About His Friendship With Another Woman, Do I Need To End Things?
“I am 26F. My partner 30M of 6 years has become best friends with another woman 36F in the last 5 months.
He has always been introverted and has never liked drinking much or going out. However, they have been going out and staying out at the pub/club from 5 pm until 5 am (with a few other friends.) I was never threatened by her before; my partner was always very trustworthy, and she is 6 years older than him with kids and a partner.
After I told him I was uncomfortable with him staying out with her for that long, one night he lied about meeting her at the pub.
When I checked his phone she had texted him saying ‘I love you.’ My partner seemed shocked by this text, said she must have thought the friendship was deeper than it was, and agreed to block her.
After 2 weeks I found out he hadn’t blocked her on WhatsApp (only text) and she had been messaging him. He then tried to convince me the text message she sent was meant for her daughter, believing her and taking her side.
I have given him an ultimatum, it’s her or me.
He said he would choose me but I don’t know if I can trust him again after he’s lied. I genuinely don’t think he would have physically been unfaithful to me, but he has clearly emotionally been unfaithful to me (he claims to not know emotional unfaithfulness is classed as being unfaithful.) His argument is he really gets on with this girl as a best friend and he doesn’t have many friends.
I can completely get that he wants to have his own friends but he doesn’t seem to realise their friendship appears completely inappropriate. I’ve also never even met her and he was never been overly keen about getting us to meet before.
I love my partner so much, we were so happy up until this happened. I’m worried I can never trust him again now he’s lied. I also feel like he still wants to be friends with her even though he has said he won’t see her.
Do I need to end things?”
Another User Comments:
“Inappropriate relationship to have, I’d say. I don’t normally agree with ultimatums because YOU have the choice to leave, too, but I think his inconsistencies aren’t helping you recognize that you have options here, too. He seems eerily protective of her because she’s giving him validation and a LOT of attention.
I wouldn’t put the onus on him to leave you. He’s getting what he wants from the both of you.
He’s also not helping in this situation and seemingly upsetting you even more because he’s so half in, half out. In one instance he agrees that she’s too emotionally unpredictable and blocks her — but then finds a reason to excuse her behavior later.
People who don’t classify emotional affairs as affairs are the people I get the most concerned about. They’re more self-aware than they give themselves credit for and I think he’s reaping benefits and very aware of it.” 444oxe
Another User Comments:
“The lying is the sketchy part.
And that you’ve never met her. All those nights they’re staying out he’s never invited you along?
In my opinion, don’t go down the path of telling him who he can spend his time with. You’ve voiced your concerns, he knows he’s not been honest with you.
Let him figure out the rest, question whether you want to stick around to see what happens.” Choice-Muffin2398
10. Is It Bad That I'm Considering Divorce Because My Husband Wants Me To Get A Second Job?
“My husband (38M) wants me (35F) to get a second job so he doesn’t have to cut back on his spending. We both work full-time jobs but he makes more than I do and has the option for overtime.
I don’t have that option. We have two teens. Our budget has been tight because everything (gas, mortgage, groceries, etc.) is so expensive right now. When he confronted me about watching how much I spend at the grocery store and how much money I spend on the kids, I reminded him that he golfs two times a week and just came back from a weekend golf trip.
He stated that he works overtime to pay for it so I can’t say anything about it and that I need to get a second job if I want extra stuff for me and the kids. So I’ve applied to several places for a second job because our kids are going to need school clothes and supplies.
I can’t remember the last time I bought myself anything. I can’t help but feel like if I’m going to work two jobs ….what do I need him for? I’m seriously considering divorce. Am I being dramatic?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m a husband, make substantially more than my wife, I’d never suggest such a ludicrous idea.
Why the heck is it YOUR income that pays for the kids, while his income pays for his fun?
What a load of hot garbage – y’all ought to fix that.
The financial aspect aside – he’s missing his kids growing up if he’s spending that much time golfing and neglecting you and them.
Sad.” cutsandplayswithwood
Another User Comments:
“You’re not being dramatic. All of us have felt the financial strain from the rising cost of living and needed to make adjustments. “Fun money” is always the first line of the budget to be reduced and everyone should be feeling that.
It’s incredibly selfish of your husband to spend all the family’s fun income on his activities. A second job for you will mean less time with the kids (who will be caring for them during this time?) more strain on household duties (will husband pick up more to help?) and your husband wants this just so he can go golfing often?” Content_Grade_5238
9. Is It So Bad That I Want Emotional Support From My Partner During A Rough Time?
“Lately I (21F) haven’t been feeling well mentally and emotionally, my sleep and eating habits have changed due to this.
My partner (32M) is the closest person to me so I’ve been telling him how I feel and when I do he’d ghost me. Last night I was feeling so bad so I texted him saying that and he didn’t reply. This morning he called and I told him I woke up not feeling well so he started yelling and complaining that I always say that and that he’s sick of it, he said he was busy with work and didn’t have time for this then hung up.
It hurt me even more now I’m crying my eyes out. All I wanted was for him to say something nice or reassure me it’s gonna be okay or at least just listen to me but instead I got yelled at.”
Another User Comments:
“Girl he ain’t the one.
I know it’s sad to say this but he isn’t. When you find your person they will want to do everything in their power to make sure you are happy, safe, and healthy. As everyone said here he isn’t seeing people in his age group because nobody wants him.
I would definitely refrain from telling him anything and start putting distance and get out of that relationship asap.” Raging_Necko
Another User Comments:
“I can’t think of many circumstances where a 32yr old is happy to go out with a 21 yr old without nefarious intent. They’re usually either looking for someone young because of looks, easier to manipulate (less experience) or they can’t find anyone their own age to tolerate their crap.
I used to think big age gaps weren’t a biggie because my parents are 17 yrs apart. Wasn’t til I was in my 30s that I realized that my Dad is a toxic self-centered jerk who needed a younger woman to fall for his crap. The age gap here says it all, I’m sorry.
I know it seems trite and people are very “ageist” — but you often don’t realize til you’re the age the older partner was and think to yourself “would I really go out with a 21 yr old right now?”” chronicpainprincess
8. My Best Friend Who I Ghosted Just Messaged Me, Should I Write Back?
“I (21F) received a message from my ex-best friend (20F). I don’t think I feel anything at the moment.
I ghosted my ex-best friend over a year ago. Mind you, this girl was my platonic soulmate. From what I was made aware of, she thought so too.
I have never been so close to anyone before, and no relationship (whether romantic or not) has ever come close.
Since 2020, our relationship, which spanned a couple of years, began its decline.
This was also around the time she got a partner – the main reason I feel we grew apart.
With the world shutting down, I saw her a handful of times. We had several arguments discussing our obvious strain and how I felt she wasn’t there for me. I recognize that she has her own issues, as do I, but she was just non-existent. The bulk of our conversations would revert back to this.
Surely, as time went on, we talked less. I would make plans such as concerts to bands we liked (because I knew it would give her more of a reason to be responsive). We went on to attend one, which was the last time I saw her.
She had last messaged me over a year ago, after she hadn’t responded to me, asking if we were still going to a concert (the day before the actual event).
I didn’t care. I ignored her. I didn’t care I had wasted ~$75 (trust that I wasted more after she wouldn’t be honest when I bought other tickets). I never followed up with her.
It’s been over a year and she messaged me earlier today on social media.
The bulk of what she sent was an apology. It didn’t seem to me as if she was justifying or minimizing what she did. She recognized and admitted that I was right when I told her she was like a different person. She states that she was in an extremely toxic relationship with her partner, now ex.
She states that at the time, all she cared about was tending to him and their relationship.
I don’t feel much of anything at the moment. I feel that I’ve moved on from the absence of my best friend. I also think my lack of feelings at the moment may be stemming from my own personal dilemmas.
I happen to actually be back in town and will be for the next few days. If she hasn’t moved, she should still be in the neighborhood.
I’m writing this all just to ask this: should I message her back? And if I message her back, should I let her meet up with me to discuss all this?
I’m not jumping at the seams at the idea of seeing her, but I think I may regret it because I’ll be back in my city soon.”
Another User Comments:
“Short answer is it’s up to you. I’ll give you some food for thought and you can decide what’s right for yourself.
First point in her favor: it sounds like she left a very sincere apology. Few people know how to apologize but from your description, it sounds like she did a pretty good job. She recognized how her actions hurt you, offered an explanation without it being a justification, and validated your experience.
It also sounds like she ghosted you first and you withdrew, which hey, I get that. Ghosting is generally a cruel act and I recognize you trying to force a conversation with concert tickets. The last time I was seriously ghosted it took me years to process, but one thing I did was make attempts to force a conversation.
So your friend did hurt you and is trying to make amends. However, sometimes the pain we cause people, no matter how unintentional, is something you can’t come back from no matter how sincere your amends are. It also happened one year ago which isn’t that long, and you may need more time.
I think if you let her back in, she is trying and you should be prepared to have a difficult conversation with her, but it sounds like a reconciliation would go pretty well. But the pain is still very fresh and maybe you need more time, or maybe this is one pain time will never fix.
So I guess you need to ask yourself what your feeling is in all this before making a move.” mooseplainer
Another User Comments:
“My advice in situations like this is that a coffee/chat is not the same thing as offering forgiveness and starting the relationship again.
Sometimes, if someone has shown true remorse, then hearing them out might actually be positive for everyone.
Even if you actually decide to go your separate ways, you will have had the chance to speak and be heard, as well as to hear her version.
This isn’t me trying to dissuade you, but abusive relationships make your world tiny. They suck you into the pit of heck.
If you do decide to meet and start talking again, then you need to consider some robust boundaries to prevent yourself from getting dragged into an old dynamic.” LemonDeathRay
7. Am I Really Selfish For Wanting A Relaxing Christmas Break?
“I (27M) have been with my partner (24F) for 3 years. The place I work closes over Christmas so everyone gets 10 days off. I have to complete exams through work and I have 3 in December.
I have 3 study days a week from mid-September until the week before the exam and this is alongside still doing my job the remaining 2 days of the work week. I had 2 exams last year and my stress levels got really high and by the end of it I was burnt out.
There are quite a lot of video games coming out in autumn and winter that I’d normally buy straight away but I just won’t have time to actually enjoy them so I’m planning on getting them over Christmas and playing them then. I live with my partner and for Christmas, she will be going to her parents for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day then coming home on Boxing Day and I’ll be doing the same with my parents.
This gives me 7 days off. I was talking to my partner and said I’ll book us a nice restaurant and cocktail bars for New Year’s Eve but apart from that I mentioned that I was thinking about us just spending the week relaxing in the apartment.
I’ll have the games I want to play and my partner will have gotten games for her Nintendo Switch, I’ll have gotten some comic books to read and my partner will have gotten some other books to read so we’ll have plenty to do.
I explained that I know I’m going to be burnt out after the exams so I think a relaxing week might be nice for both of us since we rarely have time to just focus on our hobbies.
She said that’s not what she wanted and she was thinking we could have a holiday for 3-4 nights.
I refused and said there’s no way I’m going to be up for going away when I can pretty much guarantee I’m going to be tired. I said we can possibly do a night away towards the end of the week but I want the majority to be relaxing since I’ll need it.
She said I was being selfish by refusing to consider her idea but I pointed out I’ve offered a compromise and explained why I don’t want to be doing much over that week.
She just repeated that she thinks I’m being unfair and selfish by not going away for 3-4 nights since it would still leave me with 3 days to relax at home.
Does anyone have any advice on how they would handle this?”
Another User Comments:
“You say it’s a compromise, but you realize that one day of vacation means only one day of what she wants to do and 9 days of what you want to do. 1/4 vs 9/10. Also a one-day vacation isn’t a vacation, it’s just a day out.
If you’re this set on staying home the whole time and don’t feel the need for more quality with her through all these months, maybe you’re just not compatible? Or maybe life is too busy for you for a partner at all?
I just realized that the busy schedule you’re describing is just a normal work week?
3 days studying and 2 days at your job. I’m not knocking you for finding that tiring, but I would definitely say you guys don’t seem compatible. You would be happier with a homebody and she’d be happier with someone more adventurous. But if you don’t want to lose her you’re both gonna have to put in an honest effort to compromise.” Feeling-Editorial
Another User Comments:
“You two sound like you either have different values or you don’t have the time for her now.
If you’re hardly spending QUALITY time together as it is now, I can see her wanting 3 days of your 10 at least to spend time together. It’s a completely reasonable request and I say that as a heavy video game player.
If you’re already spending time with her and making her feel valued and you’re just wanting this time to chill and she doesn’t accept that, then you two might just not be compatible right now with your lifestyles.” nasada19
6. How Can I Let My Partner Know That His Repeated Lack Of Care For Special Events Is Not Acceptable?
“I (31F) have been in a relationship with my partner (35M) for 1 year now. Before that I was in a long-term relationship for 11 years which wasn’t a great situation. One of my problems during that time was that my partner would never get his side of gifts on occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, or Christmas and it was always ‘it’s coming’, ‘it’s running late’.
My birthday is in September and sometimes I would get my birthday gift by December after begging and giving up.
Gifts are also unfortunately my love language and I know most people misunderstand it as being materialistic and I’m not here to argue because I disagree.
Anyway 6 months in, on Valentine’s day I was in for a rude surprise when my partner didn’t plan anything (despite him knowing I’m excited), not even a card while I had picked out a dress, got him a present, wrote him a card, etc.
It was our first big event, so I painfully let it go on the surface because it probably was an honest mistake since he never had those expectations in his previous relationship. But I did communicate that this stuff is important to me and that I take occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day seriously.
So when our anniversary was a month away, even though I had a lot of pride, I tried to make sure he remembered that I’m expecting a celebration and he should make reservations. Before you come at me with being entitled, the plan was he would take me for dinner and then I’d treat him to something else.
My part of the date was significantly more expensive as well but I don’t care since I make more.
I was trying to keep my expectations low, but one week before the anniversary he said he was really excited for the gift exchange since he let me down on Valentine’s Day.
It made me happy and panic at the same time since I was keeping it low-key. I had a week so got him really nice presents, wrote a 9-page emotional love letter, the whole shebang.
On the day of the anniversary, he came to my house empty-handed (no card even) and said he was really sorry my stuff was running behind.
I controlled my tears because I was also triggered from a past relationship. I tried to keep it together and looked forward to dinner, which was also a disaster because I don’t know if I have a type! But it often happened in my previous relationship that my partner would take me places on my birthday which had nothing vegetarian (I’m vegetarian) and I would hold back my tears while I ate free bread and dessert.
The same thing happened this time, that he didn’t check the menu and there wasn’t one vegetarian thing on the menu. I made the best of the situation by trying to emotionally self-regulate.
He apologized a lot and said he will recreate it for me this weekend. I was really pumped about it since Saturday is a standing date we have.
I’ve been looking forward to it all week. Today he messaged me, saying he has to cancel our date since he forgot to tell me he made plans with someone else. (This has happened only 2-3 times in 1 year).
Now I’m spiraling out of control and also not letting him know how much hurt I’m feeling..I’m also autistic and my communication skills are slightly different.
Here are my questions:
How can I let him know that his presents will no longer mean anything to me and that window has passed? I won’t tell him now since I don’t want to ruin his weekend but at the same time I refuse to bear the burden of having fake excitement for someone who places such little weight on my feelings after a year.
Just need help in understanding people’s opinions on what might help resolve this situation in a healthy way.”
Another User Comments:
“You need to stop holding in your hurt and let him know you are deeply upset. A year in, assurance he was planning something big and he can’t even check the menu of the restaurant?
Honestly, you should let him know, and if it were me I would let him know now. You’re being far too kind to him to your own detriment, and that’s not healthy. He had no problem lying and saying he had stuff planned for your one year and then ruining it, he can handle criticism and hearing your feelings.
YOU matter just as much as him in this relationship and he’s dropping the ball so hard. I’m seriously mad for you girlypop. Like, let me at him.” GoingPriceForHome
Another User Comments:
“He’s 35 and doing this type of stuff? Tell him exactly that. Tell him this is a deal breaker for you, and you won’t entertain another relationship where your love language is dismissed. I mean, you told him directly what your bare minimum was.
He missed the mark, promised to make it up to you, and dismissed it again because he forgot he had plans. Ask him if he actually wants to be in a relationship, because it doesn’t seem like he does.” MrFluffPants1349
You will never be as important to him as he is to you. Please dump his selfish, lying @*$ and go be friends with yourself and put yourself first, before you go looking for another relationship. If you don't love and respect yourself, you can't expect anyone else to. Be careful what you tolerate. It's what got you in this mess to begin with. Good luck!
5. How Do I Reject My Animal Shelter Co-Volunteer's Advances Without Losing My Volunteering Position?
“I (35M) volunteer every Saturday at a local animal shelter. It is a small independent charity and I volunteer there because it is close to my house and I love dogs. I have rarely dealt with anyone other than the manager M (60s? F) and her daughter D (40s?
F) because the few part-time employees and the vets and other volunteers are mostly only around during the week. It’s pretty relevant to say that I am diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder, meaning that I lack both social skills and the desire to interact with people. I am also a big, unattractive individual. Thus most people, including these two, tend to think I’m weird and a little scary and will kind of leave me alone.
I mostly walk the dogs or play with them but sometimes they ask me to help with manual labor and I do so because I value having a source of unlimited dog petting so close to home and without the rigid oversight of the Humane Society or whatever.
V (35F) is the new financial administrator of the foundation, board member, and tremendous pain in my side. The animal shelter is sort of attached to a house that has been an office and storage for the last 5 years or however long I’ve been volunteering. When V was hired about three months ago she moved into the house with her two 8-year-old sons.
When we first met I got the feeling I creeped her out which I was completely fine with. This lasted about a month. Then she started coming out of the house and talking way too much. As in following me around while I did my thing and having one-sided conversations with my back.
I have no idea why she started doing this because I provided zero positive feedback. Then she started bringing her kids along. The kids are cool but I have no idea why their mother has them spend every Saturday afternoon watching me play with dogs while she talks at me.
The last couple of Saturdays have been super uncomfortable because she keeps touching me. Not in an inappropriate way but like on my arm or shoulder while she’s talking non-stop. I don’t like being touched and this is made infinitely worse by the fact that I find her the opposite of attractive, physically and otherwise.
I have been putting up with it because, as I mentioned, I like volunteering there. Today M and D were there and said we looked cute together. V acted like a schoolgirl and I had an “oh no” moment when I realized V has the hots for me for whatever unfathomable reason.
Thus is my predicament. How do I reject V and not have it turn into a big thing where I am now a bad guy and must be forced out from volunteering there? I have never rejected a woman before and don’t know how to do it without being straightforward, which will definitely not end well.
I thought about a million lies I could tell her but I know I’ve already told M and D in the past that I am both heterosexual and unmarried, and me being me nobody is going to believe that I’m just out here socializing. I think maybe that’s why V has her sights on me, but what do I know.
All I know is if she comes out feeling slighted or whatever M and D will definitely gang up on me and make me going there untenable. Is there a good lie, a good way to word things, or should I just tell her she’s unattractive and impressively unintelligent and be done volunteering?”
Another User Comments:
“You need headphones, bro. Big ‘screw off’ headphones.
I’m a tradesperson who has a job that requires me to spend up to 10 hours a day in the client’s house. I’m a bit like you in that I don’t want people talking to me when I’m working, or in general, actually.
I have a set of JBL sound-deadening headphones, and after client introductions and setting up my tools, I put on my headphones and delve into a great audiobook. The client will try and engage, but I literally can’t hear them, and they go away.
Good luck, mate.” Metalman351
Another User Comments:
“I hate to tell you, but the only resolution for you is to communicate, and it seems like you want anything but to communicate. If you cannot speak these things, write a note. You write well from what I can tell from your post. Maybe a note addressed to M (since they encouraged V with what was said aloud) would be the best method.
Let them know what is going on and the level of discomfort you are experiencing, and they need to talk to their coworker about how they are going to drive away volunteers with this behavior. You are not interested in this person and simply want to support the animals who need the care, nothing more.
You don’t have to be mean, just clear. I should say, clear in establishing your personal boundaries as a volunteer there (ie, no touching, no invasion of personal space, no following you around.)” MercyForNone
4. Is It Bad That I Want To Stay With My Partner Who Got Another Woman Pregnant?
“Just found out my (35F) partner (36m) of roughly a year was unfaithful back in April and the person he was unfaithful with is now about 16 weeks pregnant. He said it only happened one time, he isn’t sure what he was thinking and has continuously apologized. The girl that he was unfaithful with is someone he said he has no emotions for, just on-and-off intimacy for about 4 years prior to me and him being together.
We are in a long-distance relationship and oddly enough, I still want to make it work with him but I also feel like an idiot for staying. Thoughts?”
Another User Comments:
“Understand that if you stay with him, this other woman will ALWAYS be a part of your lives as the mother of his child.
Period. She will always be around regardless of how appropriate or worse, inappropriate, she might be with your partner. It’s simply not worth the drama especially since you’re currently long distance. Let him go figure out how to be respectful of a partner and how to be a proper father to the child he has sired.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“He only told you because he knew he’d be caught. I highly suspect that the trickle-truthing will start soon.
Even if he only two-timed once, are you ready and able to be a loving and supportive stepmother? Are you willing and able to have the woman he had an affair with be an active and present part of your and your partner’s life for the rest of your life?
If the answer to either question is no, how do you feel about being with a man who knowingly abandoned his child and the woman he made pregnant?
Unfortunately, the affair resulted in a pregnancy, which means that this situation will never exclusively be about forgiving his affair.
It’ll also be about parenthood and having to face him two-timing every time you see that child. Please make sure that’s something you can handle before you make any decisions here.” Constant-Bowl
3. Should I Be Worried That My Partner Can't Tell Me He Wants To Marry Me?
“So my partner (27m) and I (26f) have been together for 2 years.
We moved in together in June. We share a cat. We talk about the future (me moving with him when he gets a job elsewhere, etc). Yesterday we were at a function and someone asks us “so you think you’ll get married?” And he goes “yeah probably, we’ll see.” Ok.
We get home, I wasn’t gonna bring it up at all, but then he goes “wasn’t it weird that she asked us if we’re gonna get married out of the blue?” And I was like yeah.
I remember like six months ago he told me he was uncomfortable talking about the future like that when I brought it up once, so I stopped. But here it was, with him resurfacing what she said (I wasn’t going to).
So I go “well what do you think?” And he kind of shuts down and is like “let’s go to bed.” And then I go “I’d love to marry you one day” and he doesn’t answer.
We’re in bed and I’m like “can you indulge me, would it be such a bad idea?” And he’s like “I’m here, aren’t I?” And then he gets into this kind of hard talk about since we don’t have jobs yet it really stresses him out to talk about this.
And he loves me and we live together and we’re serious. And he’s thought about it. So I go ok! “I love you and I wanna be with you for a long long time”. I thought that was a nice close. And he goes “I love you.
Can’t that be enough?” That hurt. Why couldn’t he say that back? And then I tried to close again by saying “I just wanna make sure we’re on the same page”. And he goes “I really don’t wanna talk about this anymore” and turns away from me.
I’m scared. Is this a red flag? Otherwise, I know he loves me, we’re happy, we have a good life together, should I accept this as normal? It’s not like I want to get married right away. We both are still very much trying to find our footing in life.
I’m saying it as a “one day” thing. My fear is if he can’t say, even as a “one day” thing, that he wants to marry me, that he will never marry me and I should just run and not waste time.”
Another User Comments:
“I think you need to have this conversation properly (ie, not right before bed).
“What do you think of marriage as a concept? Would you ever consider marriage for yourself? Or long-term serious commitment? What are you most excited for in the future? What does your ideal future life look like?”
Maybe it really does stress him out to think of serious grown-up things like commitment and big serious decisions when he’s just trying to get a job.
Maybe he finds it hard to imagine a marriage when he has no idea where his next paycheck is coming from. Or maybe he already knows in his heart that marriage is not for him.
Either way, don’t base your decision on one conversation you guys had right before bed. Have the conversation properly.” ShelfLifeInc
Another User Comments:
“I met my fiancé when he was a year or so older than your SO. By 8 months we agreed marriage was a future goal and moved in together, 6 months later we agreed it was now the plan, and within 3 months of that I had a ring.
Not everyone needs to move the speed we did, everyone’s different but the conversations, timelines, and goals need to be there.” SketchAinsworth
2. Am I Overreacting For Being Annoyed At My Partner's Niece Constantly Interrupting Our Time Together?
“So my (31F) partner (31M) doesn’t have kids of his own, but he does have 2 nieces and 1 nephew that he’s close to. They all live in his parents’ house along with the kids’ mom/partner’s sister.
The kids’ dad isn’t around & never has been.
Niece 1 (18) and the nephew (14) have their own lives and while they occasionally need something from my partner and/or spend time with us, they’re typically off doing their own thing. However, Niece 2 (17) is around a lot. I don’t really mind this, she and I have developed a kind of friendship over the months and she’s always welcome over.
She also needs a lot from my partner: she frequently asks for money, she asks me for things, she asks my partner for rides everywhere, and asks if/when he’s coming home. She will call him, sometimes multiple times, when he comes over without her. He’s at her every beck and call.
This bothered me at the beginning of our relationship but I’ve come to accept it.
The problem is, recently I feel she’s crossing boundaries. Over the last month, there were 2 instances when we were having a date night (the ONLY 2 date nights this month) and she called crying hysterically both times and we had to drop everything to go get her.
She came back to my place with him so date night did not resume.
Friday night, my partner was staying over and we ran to the liquor store to pick out a bottle of whiskey (we like to try new bottles together). He left his phone at my place since it’s a 5-minute drive and it needed to charge.
On our way back, I receive a text from Niece 2 “why’s my uncle not answering”. This is the third time I’ve received that very text from her. Of course I had him call her from my phone, but it was very annoying to me and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“I have to think there is at least some element here of the niece being worried about losing a father “again”. Even if the original dad was never around, presumably at some point the kid realized that she didn’t have a “real dad” and now it probably feels like her surrogate dad is pulling away.
Not really helpful, but that’s my armchair psychologist idea.” lase_
Another User Comments:
“It looks like over time he has become something of a father figure to her and your partner has chosen to be there for her and to fulfill that role. Sounds like a great selfless loving thing to do.
You mention she crossed boundaries when she interrupted your date night, but was she aware that you had commitments? Even if that’s the case, this might have been distressing for her to lose the attention of her uncle to a new woman in his life, and this can be a way to get that attention back.
It can very well be unconscious, insecurity, abandonment/attachment issues, etc …
It’s a tough situation. She needs better parenting from her mom to get through all this and transition into adulthood and learn boundaries. Thankfully for her, your partner continues to provide additional care/parenting. However, his making her a priority over you has been difficult to accept and manage.
If her mom won’t come through and step up, and she doesn’t have any other good role models in her life, and your partner cares enough for her to feel responsible, it might have to be you two who have to help her grow through that transition and teach her how to become a mature, fully realized adult.
She’s still a teenager and an ill-equipped one at that.
It might take a few years, but learning about boundaries and that when she lets him out of her sight into your hands, he’s not going to disappear and that he’ll always be there for her, is a good place to start.
Might be more commitment than you signed up for!” Puzzleheaded_Fold466
1. Why Is My Wife Upset That I Want To Spend More Time With My Son While Working From Home?
“I (36M) have been married to my wife (36F) for 15 years now. We married in our senior year of college. Upon graduation, she worked for 3 years to help pay for our finances while I was in law school. During my last year of law school, my wife got pregnant with our son, Zane.
After his birth and my graduation, I found work at a big firm out in NYC. I began making a good six figures, and my wife asked if she could become a stay-at-home mom, to help raise our son. I agreed with her and told her I would cover the house finances.
We’ve never had any issues with this. True, I would work long hours, but she understood. The house would always be clean and there was always food ready when I got home. It was a great dynamic. The only issue was that I rarely saw my kid.
Zane was usually asleep by the time I got home because I would get home late. Zane and his mom are close because they spend a lot of time together.
Fast forward to 2020. During this period, firms, including the one I worked at, moved to remote work. I was happy, I could work from home and spend more time with my wife and kid.
Zane loved it, he would bring his legos and toys into my room and sit on the floor and play near me, we could talk and have a good time. At the beginning, my wife was happy about it. She liked seeing us together and she would join in the room too.
Me doing my work and them hanging around.
However, if everything stayed great, I wouldn’t be writing this. It’s been 3 years since 2020 and my firm still allows remote work, so I still take advantage of it. Zane still comes in to play on his Switch or iPad and even does his schoolwork in there while I work.
My wife doesn’t join us anymore, she just sits in the other room watching TV. So a few nights ago, I asked her if everything was ok and she got loud and mad, which she has never done before. She began accusing me of stealing Zane from her.
How it used to be the 2 of them laughing and having a fun time, but now all he wants to do is stay near my office or in my office.
I was shocked. I told my wife that he is my kid too and that with me here, we can all spend time together, unlike how we couldn’t before.
She said I was trying to emotionally steal her son from her. I reminded her that he was my son too, and I deserved to be around him as much as she did. My wife began crying and packed an overnight bag and decided to go stay with her sister.
I was left dumbfounded at how south everything had gone in this conversation.
It’s been 3 days since she left and her texts have basically been dry and basically asking me to go back to working on-site in my firm. I don’t wanna have to do this as I’d much rather work from home closer to my family.
I’ve spoken with her sister, and she says that she sees no issue in what I am doing and said she will try to reason with my wife. I told one of my friends and he asked if it was possible that Zane wasn’t my kid and my wife was feeling guilt seeing us together.
I told him that wasn’t possible, not only because my wife has never shown any signs of being unfaithful even while we were together, but we did a paternity test for safe measures (that was the lawyer part of me that wanted it). We also have security cameras in and around the house due to 2 security incidents a few years ago.
My wife never leaves without texting me and nothing is off at home. We also share each other’s locations on iPhone, so I doubt there’s an affair being covered up. He also still spends a lot of time with her and likes to go with her when they go out.
Zane is wondering where mom is and I am left really confused. Has anyone ever dealt with this before? Any thoughts on what I should do?”
Another User Comments:
“She was a SAHM to one child for 12 years. Now that child is gaining more and more independence and she is losing her identity.
She should get in therapy and get a job or volunteer outside of the home. She needs a life of her own and your son needs room to grow and mature into an adult.” whatisevenleft
Another User Comments:
“It’s clear that your wife is feeling alienated from her child (who, yes, is your child, too) and needs help to evaluate the reasons for that, to figure out what the underlying fears and needs are that are driving this situation.
You and she need to seek out couples counseling/therapy in order to work through this together. Additionally or alternatively, solo counseling or therapy for her might be a good option.
But counseling and therapy only work if the person 1) recognizes that there’s a problem, 2) wants to address and correct the problem, 3) believes that therapy/counseling can and will help with the problem, and therefore 4) actually wants to participate in the therapy/counseling process.
If she cannot or will not go, then you should go, for your own sake, to talk over your feelings about this and learn some strategies for how to deal with the situation from someone who is trained to help with these kinds of things.” BrokenPaw
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Youre both so young. Don't shroud your future in the shadow of a cheater.
You never know, maybe after some time and you have both matured you'll find each other again...or you'll find another who compliments and completes you more than he ever could.
You're 5 months in and he couldn't make it a year..think on that