People Are Ready To Admit Fault In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Not Wanting To Split The Bill Equally At A Birthday Meal?
“I was invited out for a birthday meal with work friends and as I am vegetarian I have a smaller choice from the menu and also was trying to be frugal as I don’t have much money. I skipped the starters and ordered a cheap main and a soft drink whilst others (around 8 people) ordered starters, expensive mains, cocktails, desserts, etc.
When the bill arrives one of my friends calls us aside and says he wants to split the bill but also wants us all to pay for the friend whose birthday it is and his partner. So my bill goes from £20 to around £45.
Am I the jerk for not wanting to pay this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m in the UK too and our group always splits the bill on how many of us there are. It’s just easier. However, that’s based on us ordering similar things. If someone doesn’t order as much (no pudding or booze etc) then someone will always say x shouldn’t be included in splitting because theirs won’t cost as much.
Then we just take theirs off first and divide the remaining amount. It’s not fair for your friends to expect you to split evenly if you ordered a lot less.” 31anon5
Another User Comments:
“I don’t understand why you would pay for the partner too.
That’s nuts. Did the rest of the group notice you didn’t eat or drink as much as them? Giving the benefit of the doubt, they would just assume they thought everyone ate and drank similar amounts. If you didn’t, I think it would be up to you to point that out and how much you’re ok to pay.
Then the rest can be split. I think this is no jerks here but maybe work on being more assertive. It doesn’t have to be embarrassing to say ‘oh I only brought enough for mine’ or to discreetly ask a staff member for a separate bill.” Conscious_Cat_6204
Another User Comments:
“I know of a cultural tradition where if you’re invited out to a birthday party you pay for yourself and the birthday person. I don’t know how common it is outside of Canada, but if you get invited that’s the default assumption.
If that’s a (at least somewhat) known thing in the UK – then YTJ. It wasn’t a work lunch, there’re at least some expectations going out on a birthday.” [deleted]
21. AITJ For Getting Upset After Being Thrown Into Water And Damaging My Phone At A Party?
“I went to my grandma’s 75th birthday party today. It was a surprise and she was super happy. It was at a lake and the kids were all running around and playing in and with the water.
My aunt said that there’s no need for a towel or anything because I probably won’t get wet.
When I was there, my aunt had her teenage boys throw me in the water. I had my phone in my pocket and even though it still works, there’s water in the screen and part of the touchscreen doesn’t work too well.
I got upset but was then told I was ruining everyone else’s fun. Only my grandma understood but my aunt told her that it was my fault. I didn’t mean to make the party less fun but I also don’t think I’m the one in the wrong here.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“WTF… They ruined your phone and forced you into the water when you didn’t want to get in. I’d get the phone repaired and send them a bill. If they refuse to pay, threaten to take them to small claims court.
NTJ. Parties are always more fun when no one’s putting their hands on people, pushing people around, ignoring the consequences of their actions, or victim-blaming.” Huntress_of_the_Moon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It’s only funny when everyone thinks it’s funny. If there is a victim who finds the joke upsetting, then it’s bullying.
We used to toss people in our pool all the time waaaay back when, but stopped once cell phones were in everyone’s pockets. It wasn’t fun anymore- it was mean.” Sparkle__M0tion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your cousins damaged your expensive property and put their hands on you without your consent, all at the request of your aunt.
And they somehow think you’re supposed to be happy about this? Honestly, what did they think would happen, what was the endgame here? In what way is your aunt and cousins doing this to you your fault? You have every right to be upset and if anyone’s fun was ruined it was because of their bad behavior, not anything you said or did.” Stegosaurus505
20. AITJ For Not Inviting My Entire Dad's Side To My Small Wedding?
“My fiance and I are planning our wedding and we decided we wanted a very small wedding, like a micro wedding with around 50 or so guests. We wanted to stay within our budget and were planning to invite only close friends and family.
Within that decision, we wanted to invite my fiance’s mother’s side and my mother’s side, as they’re both very small with 10 or fewer people per side. (His dad’s side isn’t in the country and hasn’t spoken to him since birth.)
I wanted to invite only the closest family from my dad’s side, like the cousins and aunts/uncles I actually know, since his family is easily over 50+ people.
When I brought this up to my dad, he got absolutely furious and said I have to invite “all or nothing” and that I cannot pick and choose who I want to select. While I understand that they’re all technically family, I am not close to his side at all, and few of which I haven’t seen for years or at all.
The ones I do know have been constantly rude to me and my fiance, mostly calling me dumb (for not speaking my native language) and constantly making fun of my partner for not being the same race (I’m Chinese and he’s Guyanese) so we thought it would be best if only certain ones were invited. There’s just no way we could invite them all and stay within our budget also.
I thought my sister and mother would be supportive of me since they’ve both seen how my dad’s side treats us, but surprisingly my sister sided with him. She called me extremely selfish and immature for not wanting to invite everyone, and that I shouldn’t be so “cheap” and only want a small wedding.
She added I might as well just elope and not get a ceremony wedding at all, since I only want to invite the people I like, and that’s not the point of a wedding. My mom agreed with me however, and said I should do what I like, since it’s our wedding.
Now I’m truly conflicted as I didn’t mean it to be that serious, but I just wanted a small wedding. I literally cannot afford any larger, and neither of our families are helping with the costs as they’re not rich.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“”She added I might as well just elope and not get a ceremony wedding at all, since I only want to invite the people I like, and that’s not the point of a wedding.” Ummm…that is absolutely the point of a wedding.
The purpose of a wedding is to have your relationship legally recognized and to have your nearest and dearest there to celebrate with you. Does your sister know how much it costs to feed 50+ people at a wedding? You are absolutely NTJ. You choose who comes to your wedding and the way your dad and sister and going on, they’d be on a one-way ticket to having their invitations rescinded. If your dad’s family wanted to be at your wedding they could have tried not being such cruel people.
Enjoy your day and celebrate it how you want to. You only get your big day once, and you shouldn’t let other people’s opinions cloud your joy.” coppeliuseyes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but sister dear would quickly find herself uninvited right along with your father.
Invite who you want there with you. If there are people on your dad’s side that fit the criteria, invite them. Your father does not speak for everyone on that side of the family. And don’t discuss any other details with him. It’s not his wedding.
Your sister is acting as if your wedding is a family reunion. You need to sit her down and explain that for you, your wedding is for people who love you and want to celebrate your marriage. Not the people who ridicule either of you.
Go on to explain that events that she plans can be however she wants them to be but this isn’t one of those times. Let her know that she can either support you or Dad. The latter comes with no invitation. Stand up for yourself and don’t be shamed into compliance.” Short-Classroom2559
Another User Comments:
“So what, in your sister’s opinion, is the “point” of a wedding? To go over your budget and spend time with people who are rude to you and your fiance? NTJ. Having a small wedding within budget is reasonable and mature. Not inviting people who are rude to you and belittle your fiance is reasonable and mature.
Your sister is the one who sounds selfish and childish. Perhaps she cannot come if she thinks it’s so cheap?” [deleted]
19. AITJ For Telling My Pregnant Step-Daughter We Can't Raise Her Baby?
“My 18 y/o stepdaughter has just found out she’s pregnant.
She doesn’t know who the dad is and isn’t in the best position to have a kid. She doesn’t work and lives off the government. She is considered high risk due to her mental health and has been hospitalized more than once and has been refused a room in shared accommodation because she is a risk to herself and others.
Her grandparents are elderly and have told her they cannot look after the baby if she is not allowed to keep it. She doesn’t look after herself both mentally and physically. She doesn’t take her antipsychotic medication and we have to tell her she needs to shower otherwise she won’t.
My husband and I aren’t in the best of health ourselves and would not be able to care for a baby because of this.
We have told her that should children’s services tell her she can’t keep it and take it from her we won’t be able to have it because of our health issues.
AITJ for saying this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. By the sounds of it, you’re still taking care of her as she can’t do it herself. It’s not fair for her to even ask that you take on a baby as well. She certainly isn’t in a position to look after a baby and it wouldn’t be fair to bring up a child in the circumstances you’ve described.” Scarlettohara1605
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Have her doctors said that it’s safe for her to continue the pregnancy, due to the medications that she’s on? Make sure that CPS and the doctors know to watch for how she is with the baby, if they don’t take him or her immediately at birth.
Perhaps you can convince her to put the baby up for adoption. Perhaps you could convince her to get her fallopian tubes removed when she gives birth so that she won’t get pregnant again in the future. That may be best since she isn’t compliant with her medication, and she’s a risk to others.” HeatherReadsReddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She needs a reality check and if she really wants to keep the baby then she needs to get her rear up and work, get herself back into therapy (if she isn’t already), and save money! Assuming you are in the U.S.
there are government programs she can look into that can help her with her journey. If not I suggest having her look up what services the local government has to offer to help get herself on her feet and be able to provide for her and her child.
I’m 21 so not that far off from her age and I’m also pregnant. I struggle with my own mental health issues but am going to therapy and cannot afford to live on my own. Although, I have a job and have been saving up my money ever since I found out I was pregnant, and am fortunate enough to have the moral support from my family and be able to still live with them when the baby comes.
I’m assuming you and your husband won’t be kicking her out if she does decide to keep the baby but if I were you I would have a serious conversation with her and set rules and boundaries. Be honest with her and tell her she will struggle getting herself up on her feet but that it’s not impossible.
I wish you guys well!” Useful-Hold-2737
18. AITJ For Refusing To Drive My Co-Worker To Different Work Locations?
“I (m16) and the person I’m working with (m19) both have this job that requires us to drive from different buildings and do a set amount of tasks at each building, 4 buildings a day, 2 hours at each one.
The job is pretty straightforward in the fact that you just do what you’re told and don’t ask questions. But the job also requires you to have your DL (driver’s license) and a way of transportation. Which my co-worker does not and I do. So I have to drive them from place to place with me, making me half of his job.
I think it’s pretty lousy how they hired him knowing full well that he did not have a car or something to go to the different building with. The place tries to help out with gas but they only give me 10¢ a mile… My co-worker also claims to have helped out with the gas payments but there has only been one occasion where he gave me gas money.
So am I the jerk for not driving him to the different places because I’m just completely fed up with the fact that they hired him for the sole purpose that his parents both work at the organization??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Demand more mileage reimbursement from your boss since your vehicle is now a work vehicle.
It’s usually 55 cents a mile, or ask them to provide a company car. This guy is taking advantage and so are the idiots who are expecting you to be his taxi for work-related travel.” welkikitty
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you’ve got to handle this now in a mature way, as if you mishandle it you may lose your job.
I wouldn’t just, for example, one day show up and tell the guy to “get stuffed, don’t want you in my car anymore”, so he’s unable to work at all. Nor do an equivalent move to your boss and leave them in the lurch. Being a jerk about it may give them grounds for dismissal. Instead, get it all straight in your head what your rights are, and your expectations and what would be the best-case-scenario for you and how much you’d be willing to compromise, etc. Also see if you can think of any solutions that would keep you and everyone else happy.
Then go to your boss and explain your concerns, and give your suggestions, but stay respectful with your tone. Hopefully, then you will get what you want and keep everyone happy at the same time. Welcome to negotiating interpersonal relationships in adulthood!” aymoo987
17. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Stop Grieving His Ex While We're Together?
“I have been with my partner for 10 months. His previous partner sadly passed away. In the first few months we were seeing each other I suspected he maybe wasn’t over it because he talked about her a lot, which was fine by me. Grief affects everyone differently, so I just listened.
After we had been together for 4 or 5 months and were at the ‘I love you’ stage with each other, he was still making odd comments, which started to hurt my feelings a little. One example was when we were out together after a fun date and I asked what made him feel excited and told him that I got butterflies every time he texted me.
His reply was that he used to feel excited about coming home to his partner after work. This really stung. Sometimes he would mention things they did together in bed and I started to then tell him, hey, please don’t tell me that, you’re with me now.
He’d apologize and I’d let it go. He still wore a ring up until very recently. He also wore her hoodies.
Anyway, now I find out he has been texting her phone number telling her how much he misses her, how beautiful she was, etc. I was very weirded out by this.
He admitted that he still missed her but that he shouldn’t be doing that and should be focusing on me now.
So this week I told him that was kind of a deal breaker for me. If he still missed her that much he needs to go away until he is over her and leave me be, because he is making me feel second best and like I am an afterthought.
I explained that I wasn’t going anywhere, I have no interest in seeing anyone else honestly, so he doesn’t have to feel like I am ‘dumping’ him, but that this is doing a number on my self-esteem and it isn’t fair. He apologized again and immediately deleted everything and said he was definitely over it and wants to focus on us now.
He got rid of the clothes and ring.
Now I feel like a jerk as if I am forcing him to forget her. I’m not meaning to, I just don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m the second choice. I never said he can’t grieve her, but I did say if he still wants to grieve, he needs to leave me alone until he is more ready, and until then we will not be in a relationship.
But now I feel I have been controlling.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re not being controlling. You stated you need to take a step back if he’s not done grieving, which is totally understandable. I think anyone would be bothered by being constantly compared to an ex.
As for him, he definitely sounds like he’s not finished grieving yet. Bringing up his ex as frequently as he does makes me think he still has some things to work through. He may have thought he was ready to start again, but I think he might not have realized he’s not over it yet.
That’s an easy mistake to make because the grieving process is rarely straightforward. In my opinion, neither of you is in the wrong, but you both might need to take a bit of a break to figure things out. There’s no shame in that.” Infinite-Studio-7663
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You are entitled to your feelings and that would do a number on anyone’s self-esteem. But if he is wearing a ring for her, wearing her hoodies, and texting her number, he isn’t over her by a long shot and shouldn’t be in a relationship.
But him saying stuff that coming home to his deceased partner excited him and he never mentions you, that is a problem. INFO: How long ago did she die? I think it is big of you to tell him you aren’t going anywhere and that when he is ready, you will be there.
Now if you told him how you were feeling and he chooses you in the now, then accept that. Be there for him and help him.” Sledge313
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not going to go after this guy for grieving of course, and not hard for trying to move on before he was really ready.
People don’t always understand that. But answering questions like “what makes you excited” with what used to make him excited? Telling you what they did in bed? Grieving or not, that is hurtful, inconsiderate behavior. What you did – telling him plainly that you couldn’t deal with this and he needed to go work on himself – was right for you.
You deserve to be the first person in your SO’s heart, you deserve respect and consideration. If getting rid of everything and trying to push past his lingering grief is what he wants to do, that’s his choice – he could have agreed with you and stepped away to work on himself.
Hopefully, it works out for him and for your relationship. He ought to look into grief counseling of some sort if he hasn’t already.” brokeanail
16. AITJ For Defending My Jewish Foster Daughter's Religion From My Christian Wife?
“My wife (35F) and I (34M) have decided to be foster parents after not being able to have children. Our current foster child, Hope, is 15 and Jewish. We’re Christian. My wife is really committed to her faith and won’t hesitate to push it onto others.
The past week, my wife would put crosses up in her room when Hope was elsewhere, and Hope would take them down (after I apologized for her behavior). Hope hates confrontation, and is a generally quiet girl. I have spoken to my wife privately, and she believes she is “getting rid of the ‘Jewish-ness’.” I don’t like it and I don’t think it’s right that she does this.
When Sunday came (the first Sunday that we had her) my wife woke her up and demanded that she go to Church with us. I heard this outside Hope’s room, as our walls are not necessarily soundproof. Hope kept stammering, and I felt my wife was exploiting that.
I stormed in and told my wife that she needed to respect Hope’s religion and let it be.
She looked shocked as if she expected me to take her side. She stormed out of Hope’s room, grabbed clothes, took one of our cars, and is currently staying at my MIL’s house.
I told Hope she doesn’t need to, and I would skip Church for that day to be with her.
My wife is furious at me, and my in-laws think I’m in the wrong. (My parents died in a house fire ten years ago.) I’m not sure about it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but how in the world are you qualified to be foster parents? It’s bad enough to force religion onto a 15-year-old, I’m not even touching your wife’s desire to get rid of Jewish-ness, but your wife was actually taking advantage of a teenage girl stammering?
Someone who just got to a new home is lonely and scared and this woefully poor excuse for a “Christian” you call your wife is taking advantage of her stammering. You need to rethink the people you want to be with and count your blessings every moment your wife isn’t in your house.” scrapfactor
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. Good for you for sticking up for Hope and her beliefs. Did you not know that Hope was Jewish before you decided to foster her? Did your wife think that this was her big chance to convert someone? Wow!
Your wife’s disrespect for this child is astounding. Sadly, although you sound like you are an excellent foster dad, Hope cannot continue to stay there. Otherwise, your wife will continue to emotionally mistreat her. Obviously, you need to re-evaluate your marriage. For your wife to be furious that you did not support her shoving her religion down someone’s throat is a pretty big red flag.
By the way, this is none of your in-laws’ business.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife is trying to manipulate a young girl who is already in a hard enough situation as it is. I applaud you for protecting that child and her rights.
Please keep protecting her until you can find a safer place for her to stay. If you are fostering maybe you can discuss the problem with the agency since you can not be around her all the time to protect her. Eventually, your wife will be back and try it again, and she may even try to get her parents in on the manipulation.” MontanaRogues
15. AITJ For Wanting To Stop Cleaning Up After My Fiance And His Brother?
“I (20f) live with my fiance (21m) and his brother (22m). I moved in with them for a year or two while I was at college. They both come from troubled backgrounds and were away from their mom for a couple of years before going back.
They are, to say the least, a mess. My days off are filled with laundry and dishes while their days off are filled with sleep and videogames. I couldn’t care less how my brother-in-law is.
Today was my day off, my first day off in two weeks since I just started a new job.
The same workplace they work at. I knew it was a bad idea but it is the only place for hours that pays decently and gives good hours. First, my fiance woke me up because he didn’t have any work shirts, and then he woke me up again because his brother woke up when they were supposed to leave and he wanted to spend time with me before they left. That would be all fine and dandy if it weren’t for the fact that one of them, I still don’t know who, put out a giant bag of garbage outside by the front door.
And they walked past it on the way to work. This will be important later.
After maybe two hours my fiance asks me to bring him lunch because they forgot it, again, pretty normal he has a horrible memory. But it was my day off and I had less than a quarter of gas that I was relying on to get to work tomorrow.
I ask if I can send him money for lunch (out of the six dollars I have until tomorrow because he got sick so he took from my savings to pay rent…without asking). He says their card machines are down and he doesn’t have any cash.
Fine, great. I get up to bring him his lunch and see the giant mess.
Now we live on the fifth floor, something had found that garbage bag, ripped it open, and spread old Chinese food (that I had found and thrown away), dog poop (from our dog that he refuses to take out while I’m at work even though he said he would) and other things that were smeared and smelled awful.
So I spent an hour cleaning that up. And still brought him his food, but oops, I was late and had forgotten his cup. Which he complained about. I brought up what had happened to him and he said his brother told him to leave it because they were late.
So I go talk to his brother, not in front of anyone and in a very measured voice I may add.
He looked at me like I was crazy and said, “you know I’m at work right?”
So I’m wondering, would I be the jerk if I just…stopped?
Stopped cleaning, stopped cooking until they realize all I do?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not a maid. They’re both adults who need to learn to clean up after themselves and be responsible for their own well-being. I understand them asking you to bring them lunch if they forget once or twice (we all do that) but it seems like it’s frequent.
Time they got a planner to hopefully start remembering things. But they also need to accept that if the answer is no, the answer is no. If they don’t like being told no, they should remember their own lunch.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for how you’re feeling and how you want to react to the situation.
If you switch a few words around in this post it just describes two obnoxious, poorly behaved children. True having a rough home life is impactful on how one functions in their own space later on, but it’s not an excuse for their behavior nor is it a justification to offload so much responsibility onto you while they cry and moan.
It is not your responsibility to keep fixing their messes, especially when they can’t follow through with simple tasks like taking dog poop OUTSIDE of a house. You should be prepared for the likely scenario that once you stop babying them and tell them their messes are their own to clean, they will treat you like the worst thing that ever happened. And to be frank, you should give some serious consideration to how long you can tolerate this without coming to resent him.
You should not marry somebody who is not willing to even try improving their daily habits so they can at least be at a semi-adult level because at that point you’re just marrying an overgrown child.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“I would say that you weren’t the jerk but I wouldn’t really mean it because why would anybody put themselves through this?
You said you don’t have to clean for your brother-in-law but you do have to. That’s confusing. Why are you acting like their mother? Why would you let them wake you up and demand for you to get them stuff? You say they’re a mess but you’re not helping by catering to them and letting them treat you badly.
Where is your self-esteem? I only got halfway through reading this and was so ticked off about the way they treat you and the way you let them treat you that I gave up reading. It was unbearable to read hearing you describe how badly they treat you.
Again though you don’t have any say over what they do but you certainly could stop putting up with this stupidity. So they stole money from you, they leave trash out, they expect you to pick up their messes and wake up and wait on him hand and foot?
Why?” [deleted]
14. AITJ For Wanting To Take My Cats When I Move Out Despite My Mom's Partner's Objections?
“I, a 19-year-old female, have had my cats for about 5 years. They’re my babies. I absolutely adore them. They’re very friendly and very cute. My mom started seeing her partner about 3 or so months ago.
She frequently comes to our home and socializes with my cats. She really likes them and I don’t blame her.
Recently she’s been saying that when I move out I can’t take my cats. Her reasoning is that I frequently go to stay over at my partner’s house for a few days at a time.
She says that she sees me come and go so therefore I can’t take care of my cats. Which is false. I always take care of my cats once I return home. While I’m gone my sister helps me with it. Whenever she says that I can’t take them, my mom doesn’t say anything.
She chuckles and brushes it off.
It’s really starting to make me mad because they’re my babies. They’re my cats. The one she likes the most, Ace, is so attached to me. He doesn’t mind when I come back. He still loves me. I don’t think I should have to surrender my cats because I have a social life and go to see my partner.
I would also like to add that I no longer leave for multiple days anymore as I work more now and am there with them 95% of the time now.
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to take those cats to the vet ASAP AND get them CHIPPED and REGISTERED in YOUR name.
Asap. This will allow you to prove to the cops that the cats are legally your property (I hate saying it like that but in the eyes of the law a pet is considered property) and they (mother and partner) have no legal rights to them.
Just tell them that you’re taking them to the vet for a generic check-up and to see if they need any of their updated shots etc. Or sneak them out when no one’s home. You NEED to get them registered in YOUR NAME asap!” Alyssa_Hargreaves
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they are your cats plain & simple, when you move you take them…but I will say this at least you know if you ever had to leave them at your mom’s they would be loved and taken care of. I would rather have someone come in and love my cats than be mean and try to get rid of them..but they are still yours and it’s 100% your choice.” Still_Storm7432
Another User Comments:
“Eh mild YTJ. You’re 19, how are you going to afford yearly vet fees, food, flea and tick prevention, etc for FIVE cats? It sounds like you still spend more time out of the house than you should. Cats and animals are a huge responsibility.
Leaving them multiple nights a week is not good for them. Cats need routine and stability. Taking them just because “they’re your babies” is a very selfish reason to uproot their lives and routines. I think a better solution would be to take one or two, not all five.
And even still you’re looking at the vet fees, food, litter, toys, pest control, etc for the ones you do take. You said you have a job, can that cover this god-awful rental market, food for you, whatever fun you want to have, clothes, school costs, gas PLUS the cats?
You’re so young, think this through, and don’t let emotion be part of your reasoning. You need to be thinking first and foremost about THEIR lives. Not your wishes. If you truly love and care for these animals, you’ll do what’s best for them.” Altruistic_Sun_8085
13. AITJ For Telling My Partner Not To Get A Tattoo During Financial Hardship?
“My partner (F30) and I (M28) recently fell on hard times, and her mother has been very gracious to help us out (a place to stay, new phones, etc…
with the promise that we would pay her back).
I just got a great new job and am still waiting for my first paycheck, and have budgeted to pay her mom back, fix my car as well as get it registered and insured, pay the phone bill, save for a new apartment, all on top of daily needs.
Since it’s Friday the 13th, she wants to get a tattoo and the one shop near us that’s doing them will be swamped and realistically won’t get her in until 4 pm, which is when I have to go to work. We only have 1 car (which still needs an oil change) until I get my car fixed and legal, so am I the jerk for telling her not to get a tattoo and suggesting that she should save what little money she has for the laundry list of things we need to get done and paid for?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – Tattoos on Friday the 13th are only $13, that’s why the place will be swamped. I think you left that out on purpose to make yourself look better so people will say she’s wasting money and that is a jerk move.
But – you’re right to be worried about being late to work. How near is the shop? Drop her off, and tell her to call/text right before she goes in. Friday the 13th tattoos are pretty small. If the timing works go pick her up.
If not she has to get a ride home. Simple. Don’t overcomplicate things for validation.” lmjchase
Another User Comments:
“NTJ has she always been frivolous with money? It’s kind of like a slap in the face to her mother as well, with her paying for so many things for you both and your girl swans off to get a tattoo done when she could be paying her mom back or buying things to take the burden off her mother.” zinasbear
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get that she wants one and that it can be therapeutic but if you don’t have the means that’s just the breaks sadly. I’ve been wanting a tattoo of my dog’s paw print since having him put down two years ago but I’ve not been in a place to afford it.
It sucks but responsibilities unfortunately only pile up – they don’t go away.” [deleted]
12. AITJ For Wanting My Dog At My Birthday Party Instead Of My Sister's Partner Who Is Afraid Of Dogs?
“My sister has been seeing her partner, I will call him Jack for over three years. I like him a lot, even helped them reconcile one time. He knows that we are on really really good terms. My sister and I are also really close, we are actually going on a trip together next week.
My sister and her partner live in a different city, about an hour and a half away by car and since our family also likes him a lot, she brings him whenever she comes.
Now to the situation, next week is my birthday and we will celebrate it on the weekend since I will be on the trip with my sister on the actual day.
She wants him to come to my birthday, but the problem is he is really scared of dogs.
My family has a Border Collie, and I live a few apartments down with a Mastiff. We usually put the dogs in my apartment whenever he comes to visit since he is so scared and no one minds, myself included. But next week is my birthday so I wanted to have my dog there.
I told my sister this and that maybe Jack shouldn’t come and she got a bit defensive but said nothing.
I understand that she wants him to come but maybe he could come another weekend next month with her?
I don’t know if I am being the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think that you are a jerk but why is it more important to have your dog at a party than having your future brother-in-law there? I have a dog and I love him but he is still just a dog.
The dog doesn’t take part in a party. There could even be too many people for him or it is too loud. Don’t know but it feels like there is something else going on. I think you are destroying your relationship with your sister and her partner for something not important.
Think about that. If you still want your dog at your party tell them the truth. “You are both invited to my party but I want to be clear that my dog will be there too.”” ichundmeinHolz_
Another User Comments:
“Going against the grain but I think soft YTJ.
Is this really worth potentially damaging the great relationships you have? I get that your dog is part of the family and very important to you, but I’m assuming you will still spend time with your dog on your birthday? Go out for a special walk or have a cuddle?
How important is it that your dog attends your party? He won’t know the difference. But your brother-in-law will know & feel excluded. Ultimately it’s your choice & if your dog being at your party is genuinely more important than your brother-in-law’s feelings and your relationship with him and your sister then that’s that!” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your birthday party, and you should be able to spend it with whoever you want. You’re not saying that you don’t want her partner there, you’re just saying that it’s more important for YOU to have your dog there that day, and that sadly means that he won’t come, because he is scared. It sucks, but again it’s your birthday party and your “wants” matter more than their “wants” in this situation.
Also, he is the one who is scared, and ultimately that is his responsibility. If it’s really important for him to always be included in everything, in a family that has two dogs, it’s on him to work on overcoming that fear. Of course families do try to accommodate each other, like you have done by having the dogs elsewhere other times when he’s been over.
But that doesn’t mean you have to accommodate him every time without him doing anything to fix the situation for himself.” piqueboo369
11. AITJ For Not Attending An Old Friend's Father's Funeral After They Didn't Provide Details?
“Last week an old buddy of mine called me out of the blue. For context on our relationship: We were friends in high school and sort of drifted apart in the latter years. When we both went to university in different cities we met maybe two more times and that’s about it.
These last ten years there were maybe 5 or 6 text conversations, all went nowhere.
So imagine my surprise when they called me for “not super fun reasons” and if I could maybe meet up in our home town. I lived there again, so I agreed since they sounded kind of upset.
When we met up in our old favourite bar it turned out their dad was terminally ill, and they’d been at home for a week already. So of course, I tried to offer a shoulder to cry on, but it seems they mostly wanted a distraction, so we just talked about whatever all evening.
This Monday I got a text that sadly the father passed away, and if I maybe wanted to go to the funeral or wake? I gave my condolences and said I’d try to get a day off from work, but I couldn’t make any guarantees (only with direct family you’re always allowed to take time off for this type of stuff in my country).
I couldn’t get a day off, but I’d of course make time for the wake the evening before to offer any sort of support I could.
I got a text back asking if maybe I could get half a day off. I said I couldn’t, but again stated I’d like to be at the wake.
Yesterday I texted them again asking how everything was going and when/where everything was. I got a semi-joke answer and nothing actually usable.
Am I a jerk if I just give up asking and go do something else tonight?
My partner already said “so just because they’re bored and in need of a distraction they call you, drop this on you, and then leave” (I’m not the strongest emotionally, and was just a depressed mess all Saturday).
But I still feel awful about possibly just leaving someone to themselves when they’ve just lost a parent.”
Another User Comments:
“This story is slightly confusing to me, but isn’t information on wakes usually public? In the obituary? So technically you don’t need to ask them for details.
It also seems based on the text that this may have been an invitation-only type thing? Which is odd for them to want you included when you aren’t an active part of each other’s lives. Based on what you said about the relationship, if there weren’t these weird text messages, I would have said you should go to the wake and the funeral isn’t necessary.” LLD615
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but as someone who lost their dad semi recently, I feel for them. I also reached out to high school friends I had barely spoken to in years when my dad was sick because I wanted people who knew me when I still lived with my folks.
It meant they at least sort of knew my dad. And I was also over a decade out of high school. Grief is a funny thing and you don’t act logically and sometimes you reach for support in odd places. If he doesn’t give you the information for the wake I wouldn’t sweat it.
In your place, I would probably look up the obituary to see if details were mentioned there but that’s up to you and if you want to strengthen this friendship or let it continue to lapse.” bug0058
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You provided support to an old friend from high school when he needed you.
You offered to go to the wake to offer further support and comfort. If he doesn’t provide you with the details when asked (even making a joke), why would you even think for a moment that not attending would be on you? Not! If you really want to go, is it not announced in a paper or posted online where you’re from?” Forward-Dingo1431
10. AITJ For Wanting My Neighbor To Close Her Windows Because Her Baby's Crying Wakes Me Up?
“I live in a terrace house that I own and someone rents the adjoining house next door. She’s just had a baby and the baby’s room shares the wall with me and there are also 3 massive windows 1m away from mine that are wide open all the time.
The baby cries every night multiple times between midnight and 5 am. This has been going on every night since July this year. The crying wakes me up every single time as the baby is placed in a common space in that house (not a bedroom, her house only has 1 bedroom), and the windows are never closed. I understand babies cry and I understand being a mum is hard so please don’t tell me that I have to cope with it – it is absolutely driving me crazy.
I have asked her through the window at these ridiculous hours to close the window and she still hasn’t.
As a result, I’m showing up to work exhausted, losing focus, and irritable. I literally am tired all the time because of this. I have tried earphones I’ve tried my aircon as white noise I have tried everything.
She’s admitted to one of the neighbors that she knows the crying is waking me up every single time and every night, and it surprises me that she’s not doing anything about it. I’m also a deep sleeper, and my sleeping app in the past has picked up random noises and I’ve never had my sleep disturbed until the crying.
And the app has picked up the crying!
I understand that babies cry but at least close the windows or move the baby to an actual room. It’s becoming insane at this point and it’s not a case of me moving as I’ve owned this house for 25 years.
How do I ask her to close her windows or move the baby away from my shared wall without being insensitive to her situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but if she doesn’t have AC the heat could make baby cry more. No mom WANTS their baby to cry and it’s embarrassing when it causes other people to resent them for something all babies do.
I doubt she’s slept much either, but the bright side is the newborn crying doesn’t last since they don’t need to be fed every 2-3 hours for forever. We had a one-bedroom when my first was born and we put her in the bedroom and invested in a pullout sofa so I don’t know why she wouldn’t put a baby in its own room to help limit stimulation and make it easier on everyone including the baby.” Mountain-Elevator743
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. As a mom of three autistic kids who are often LOUD, I feel this, man. My firstborn did not sleep. I mean never. Just never freaking slept. (Come to find out lots of people on the spectrum don’t produce as much melatonin, but I digress).
Thank God we lived in a house at the time. My husband and I traded off nights sleeping outside in a tent in the summer a couple of times a week. We called it the “crazy tent” because we were so tired. Other nights, I took first shift, he took second.
So this mum might be doing everything she can to keep the baby calm. I think talking to her in person or a nice note would be a good place to start. Maybe leave your phone number for her so she can contact you about follow-up on her timeline.
Maybe she can at least move the baby to the other side of the room or something. It’s really hard. I’ve been in apartments, and it just sucks for everyone. So small, finding space for the crib and beds and all is a wreck. But it sounds like maybe there are other things she could try.
If not man, I think you are out of luck. Maybe find a friend’s couch to crash on a few times a week so you can catch up on the z’s. Please PLEASE don’t do what some people here are suggesting – blasting loud music, being loud yourself.
Don’t punish the baby or put its health in danger because you are upset (you don’t seem the kind of chap who would anyhow).” Last-Kaleidoscope212
Another User Comments:
“If you’re to the point where talking to her does nothing complain to your building manager or landlord or whoever you have to talk to to tell her she’s disturbing the other tenants all night with her bad habits.
She has no air conditioner for the baby? She can get a fan for cheap (or even for free if she goes to a charity!) and it’ll be more effective than hoping for a breeze through the window while keeping everyone in the area awake with its crying, clearly, it’s uncomfortable if it cries all night so the window breeze isn’t working if that’s her idea let’s be real. I’ve had to talk to building management a ridiculous amount of times because of my neighbors who want to act ignorant of their kids and themselves.
Talking to people directly doesn’t work unfortunately you have to get someone with more authority than them to listen these days (which is a darn shame because my college dorms were more civil than my apartment building neighbors). You can only be nice for so long before it literally starts to affect your sanity I fear.
You’re not going to get a new mother kicked out over a complaint but she is going to get a talking to since she won’t listen to you or anyone else I presume. And she needs to get a talking to because you can’t just move in somewhere and be inconsiderate of everyone else!” radioactivecooki
9. AITJ For Not Letting A Homeless Girl I Barely Know Stay At My House?
“I just met this 22-year-old girl about a month ago when she happened to pass by my house while I was chilling on my porch. She needed help with a change of pants because it was her time of the month if you catch my drift. Over the past few weeks, I have let her shower, bought/made her dinner, given her $20 for food, given her clothes, a coat, a backpack, an iPhone charger, and a set of headphones.
She’s come over to my house sometimes unannounced to hang out and use my wifi and chat.
Unfortunately, she recently got kicked out of the shelter she was staying in for getting into a disagreement with another girl, so she is homeless. She met some random guy (who sells illicit substances) on the street and has been staying with him for the past week, but was unable to go to his place tonight.
I didn’t let her stay at my house because I don’t know her very well and I don’t trust her, especially because no one else will take her in, including friends and family. It’s going to be cold tonight and she will spend it in an abandoned house.
I feel like a jerk. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“As someone who used to be homeless (sleeping in abandoned houses, no clothes, no phone, no money etc), you are NTJ. What you’ve already done is incredibly generous. If she explicitly asked to stay at your house, I’d be a little wary moving forward.
Keep those boundaries. You are right to not trust her fully, especially if no family or friends take her in. It’s very possible she is on illicit substances. If that were the case, she still deserves help and housing, but you’re not responsible for that.
If you live in a decent-enough sized city there are probably a fair amount of resources for her. It’s not always an easy process, but it’s possible. In my experience of homelessness, I was strung out, so illicit substances came before the time and effort it took to utilize those resources.
Of course she may just be down on her luck, running from an abusive situation, or facing other mental health struggles. Regardless, you’re still NTJ. I’ll conclude by saying that when I was homeless I was not always very appreciative of such acts of kindness (because I was on illicit substances and in a constant state of extreme self-pity) but I remember such acts today (several years sober and w/ stable housing) and I’m incredibly grateful.
You’ve already done far more than the average person does (treating her as a human rather than a feral animal). Keep your boundaries and if you see her again and she asks to stay- point her to some local resources/shelters/outreach centers.” UnhappyAct3563
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I do social work for a living. I work with the unhoused population. One of my participants has been getting arrested for crimes relating to poverty since 1986. Multiple arrests a year for being homeless and having mental health issues, I adore her and do whatever I can to support her when she wants support but that’s about all I can do.
She’s been blacklisted from every shelter and program in the city for being mean as heck to people. And she’s flipping mean to everyone but me and one coworker. And I think she only likes us cause we buy her smokes and wings and just hang out and help her get an ID or deposit her social security check.
Every time she declines help with housing I feel like a monster. All I want is to help her get housing but she has a lifetime of believing that the help isn’t gonna really help. And I don’t blame her for believing that or behaving in a way that is baffling to me.
I keep trying to make my case and connect with her but there’s only so much I can do. Most of the participants in my sub-program have such high degrees of trauma and neglect that I really don’t know how healthy a relationship they will ever be able to have outside of someone like me.
But I’m gonna try my best still.
You are NTJ. And I applaud you for helping someone who never gets a chance to be human be human. You are a wonderful person. Don’t light yourself on fire to keep her warm but do try and remain compassionate.
Also just be honest with her about your boundaries and the reasoning. Sugarcoating is the enemy. If someone can navigate homelessness and remain a person that person is flipping SMART on some level and you shouldn’t try and coddle them. Just acknowledge and verbalize the elephant in the room in the most compassionate way you can and the impact that you will have will ASTOUND you.” Sure_Health_1568
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were generous enough to give her many necessities. And you are right about not trusting her. If you do not know her, you can’t trust her in your home. It’s unfortunate that she has to sleep in an abandoned house for a night but as you said you could have at least had a friend to let stay one night.
Maybe she does not have family or her family is abusive but she could have at least a friend? It’s alright to feel guilty but your safety is your priority. “Unfortunately, she recently got kicked out of the shelter she was staying in for getting into a fight with another girl, so she is homeless.” There is this part where she fights another girl.
Was she the guilty one in the fight? She could be violent as well.” Another_common_body
8. AITJ For Threatening To Make My Mom Walk For Chewing With Her Mouth Open?
“I can’t stand when people chew with their mouths open and my mom has a bad habit of it. I was taking her to her doctor’s appointment and she was hungry so she asked if we could stop somewhere to eat.
I get her Wendy’s and we are eating in the car. I hear what sounded like her chewing with her mouth open so I brought it up so she said she didn’t and I went mhm. Kind of like I didn’t believe her. She said, “I wasn’t but if you want me to I will,” and started doing it.
I said if she didn’t stop she could walk. I realize that is something my dad always said to her so I understand why she was upset but at the same time if you are intentionally doing something to annoy me why should I put up with it in my car?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’ll say NTJ in this case, but I’d like to know more. Is her mouth fully open when she chews, or just open a tiny bit? I have to keep my mouth partially open when I chew because I can’t breathe properly through my nose.
It’s just a physical limitation that I have to live with. In order to follow proper manners I have to willingly suffocate myself. Maybe your mom has a similar problem?” tempered_martensite
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Taking your mom to the doctor’s and a person who cared for you all your life and you are going to kick her out of the car and make her walk because she chewed with her mouth open?
What kind of monsters are you people? And also you know your mom was previously traumatized by what sounds like an abusive relationship where she was threatened with being kicked out of a car in random locations. Don’t fricking look at her eating if that bothers you so much you weirdo control freak ingrate child.” TourAlternative364
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Set some boundaries. No food in the car while she’s in it would be a good start. If you do leave her somewhere, at least make sure she has Uber/Lyft downloaded so she knows she has a way to get home.
My husband’s top lip is too short and his lips legitimately do not meet. Especially when eating. He’s not generally loud about it, but I deal with this on the regular. It’s not his fault, so I don’t fuss at him for it unless he’s being obnoxious.” throwingwater14
7. AITJ For Getting My Own Apartment After My Partner Ignored My Suggestions To Live Together?
“My (26F) partner (27M) has had his own apartment for about 2 years. I’ve lived with my parents. I’ve brought up slowly the idea of us living together but he never would acknowledge the idea. The past 6 months I’ve brought it up now and again and suggested we could even split rent and have a bigger apartment etc. I stay at his place sometimes 5 days a week so I thought he’d be open to the idea.
He never would say anything and change the conversation.
Fast forward, I found an apartment for myself. I asked prior if he would be upset if I found my own and he would shrug it off. When I found this apartment, I sent him the link and told him I was touring it.
When I told him I was getting the apartment. He said, “well I want you to live with me I should’ve asked sooner, and sorry I’m asking now but we can make room and I want you to live with me”. Mind you I had to let the landlord know that day and he jumped and said that.
My feelings felt hurt and frustrated as I tried communicating with him about living together so many times. I did end up taking the apartment and we live separately. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ your partner is the jerk big time! If you love someone you don’t play mind games with them the way he is.
He had plenty of opportunities but threw them away. Given his refusal to say yes before I would have been nervous that he’d kick you out of his place after the first argument. He wanted to live alone so badly, now he is. Good luck to you.
If you continue the relationship be firm and tell him he has to stop jerking you around like he did the many times you suggested moving in and he ignored you.” Few-Product-9937
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Frida Kahlo told her husband Diego: “I’m not asking you to give me a kiss.
Don’t apologize to me when I think you made a mistake. I won’t even ask you to hug me when I need it the most, I don’t ask you to tell me how beautiful I am. Even if it is a lie, Don’t even write me anything good.
I’m not even gonna ask you to call. To tell me how your day was, Don’t even tell me you miss me. I won’t ask you to thank me for everything I do for you. Don’t you even worry about me when my spirits are down, and of course, I won’t ask you to support me in my decisions.
I won’t even ask you to listen when I have a thousand stories to tell. I’m not gonna ask you to do anything, not even if you’re next to me forever. Because if I have to ask for it, then I don’t want it anymore.” Text: Frida Kahlo.” msmame
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s manipulative of him to suddenly ask you to move in with him the day you sign for your own place. Screw him. He’s not serious. You can do better. You probably dodged a bullet by not moving in with him.
You’re better off living on your own. Now you will have the ease and freedom to break up with him whenever you want to. I had a partner for 2 years who wouldn’t even consider us living together until his renting situation was potentially going to end.
We ended up breaking up anyway. Then I heard maybe 6 months later that he bought a house with his new gf. I was devastated when I heard, but I guess he just didn’t feel as strongly about me. Maybe there is something lacking in your relationship with your bf that is holding him back from this level of commitment.
Maybe you’re better off to live solo and free.” DSBS18
6. AITJ For Not Being Able To Reassure My Dad's New Wife That I Will Love Her Like My Late Stepmom?
“My mother has never been a part of my life. She didn’t want to parent and found out she was pregnant with me too late to end the pregnancy.
She and my dad were never in a relationship. They hooked up a couple of times. Dad did DNA when I was born to confirm I (17f) was actually his. And he raised me without my mother and without any support from her. This was a decision they came to.
Mostly he wanted to protect me from her dislike of me and worried child support might bring her out of the woodwork sometimes if she was against it enough. He did, about a year ago, speak openly about this with me. Before, I got some stuff but toned down for age reasons.
When I was 5 my dad met “Katie”. For me, Katie was Mom, she was my best friend, she was my favorite person on the planet. We loved each other fiercely but our relationship wasn’t as expected for my age when we met and the fact I never had a mom (just a mother who gave birth).
She was sort of everything though. I can’t fully describe it but I thought the world of her and I did call her mom a lot but I also didn’t always. Just like sometimes I was her daughter but other times I was “her Arya”.
Katie gave me the best siblings in the world too. And she was adored by the whole family. Losing her broke us all and required a lot of therapy. I was 13 when she died.
My dad remarried 4 months ago. His new wife is “Lizzy”. Dad, Lizzy, and I went to therapy recently because Lizzy asked for therapy with us.
My siblings haven’t joined us. She has opened up about how she feels like she has no place in anyone’s heart except for dad. But she feels like Dad will always love Katie more and how hard that is. She said she expected me to have an easier relationship with her than my siblings because Katie wasn’t just mom to me so less stepping on my toes.
She said every time we interact she feels lesser. How she has found some of Katie’s stuff and seeing best daughter (in law), best mom, best stepmom, best wife, best sister (in law) made her realize that Katie was seen that way by everyone and still is.
How she’s basically got no chance to be as loved as she was. How it’s clear that my siblings and I will always see her as the person who married dad. She said she’s having a really hard time and even though it hasn’t been long she worries she won’t be able to make it work if this continues.
After she had opened up so much… I couldn’t reassure her in any way she needed. I couldn’t promise I’d love her one day. I couldn’t promise I would ever see her as more than just the woman my dad married when I was 17. I couldn’t reassure her of that stuff either or that she’d feel like real family vs someone dad brought in.
I don’t know what will happen. But I know I will never see her on the same level as Katie. This really bothered Lizzy’s mom who was told about our therapy sessions and told me I should have reassured her like my dad did because I just sealed Lizzy’s belief that she has no chance with me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like Lizzy should have thought about all these things before getting married and maybe had some ‘family’ therapy so everyone would know where the others were coming from and how they felt. You did not marry her or pick her.
It is not your responsibility to reassure her. You should treat her with respect as your dad’s wife, but that is it. If you feel like more as time goes on, great! But if not, that is an issue for Lizzy and your dad to deal with.
INFO: what are Lizzy and your dad’s ages?” mm1palmer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Lizzy’s assumption that she would have an “easier time with you” because Katie was your step-mom was bonkers. That assumption completely dismissed and disrespected the relationship you had with Katie, and ultimately, that’s Lizzy’s problem.
She’s acting like your relationship with Katie was nothing, was just another stepmom relationship, was less than the bond between a mother and her biological children; and she’s dead wrong. It’s clear that your relationship with Katie was strong, fierce, exceptional, and unique. And most grown adults approaching a relationship like that would never expect to be able to replicate that, especially when they understand that bond formed when you were a young child and they are entering your life closer to adulthood.
Lizzy’s expectations were completely unreasonable. Frankly, she may not be cut out to be a wife to someone with kids. She never should have expected to just come in and instantly fill Katie’s shoes. She never should have disregarded your bond with Katie. She is just the person who married your dad, and if she didn’t want to fill that role, well… Lizzy needed a reality check.
And Lizzy’s mom needs to realize that she needs to stop coddling her grown daughter and expecting others to do so as well because this is how we got this adult who ignores reality and expects everyone to just go along with her fantasy of how things will go.” CrewelSummer
Another User Comments:
“Lizzy should not have married your dad, from what she said she was expecting to replace Katie (all the spiel about not being able to compete with Katie) and now realizes she is the person who married your dad. Her thinking that because Katie was not your biological mother would therefore make replacement easier is probably the worst of all the fallacies.
Most of the things she opened up to you and your dad in therapy, should be between your dad and Lizzy. Your dad chose Lizzy, you did not. If she wanted assurance, she should seek it from your dad. I cannot help but get the feeling that Lizzy is using therapy to try and force acceptance/assurance from you and then later your siblings.
Therapy sessions should be kept confidential, Lizzy had no business telling her mom. Lizzy’s mom trying to pressure you to provide assurance (this is emotional blackmail) just reinforces my feeling that the therapy sessions are being weaponized. NTJ, I would not attend future therapy sessions.” No_Cockroach4248
5. AITJ For Wanting To Set Up A Camera To Catch My Roommate Stealing My Food?
“I (21F) live with 3 other girls (19-22F). We didn’t know each other before moving in and aren’t particularly close now. Since we moved in, I noticed my food would disappear randomly.
I didn’t particularly mind when it was something that could be considered “shared” such as condiments, butter, or bread. First, I initiated a conversation with my roommates, in which we discussed the rules for the apartment. In this discussion, we decided to buy stickers in different colors to label the food we bought for personal use accordingly.
It started with bread. Even though it was labeled, someone had been taking my bread. What particularly annoyed me about this was that they didn’t put it back right. It was sitting on the counter with the endpiece flipped vertically and a giant pocket of air at the top, making it prone to becoming stale.
I tried to assume the best and bought a different type of bread in case my sticker wasn’t as obvious but the same thing happened.
Honestly, I started focusing on discussing different issues with roommates in the group chat, particularly cleanliness. I put signs around the house to remind or inform people of issues so that even if they didn’t know how or why to do something, the task could easily be explained to them (exp: squeeze sponge after using, doing so prevents mold).
In the last month or so, I’ve noticed more annoying things going missing. One morning I discovered a full bag of hash browns went missing. A few days ago my special chips disappeared from the counter. Today, I went to check for chicken nuggets and found what should have been an unopened box had THREE nuggets left. To me, these items are obvious personal items and definitely were knowledgeable thefts.
I texted in the group chat today that I would go crazy if someone stole my food again. I reaffirmed it was fine to text and ask a roommate to borrow food or if really needed take an item and replace it quickly. From this, two people agreed and noted some food of theirs that had been stolen and the last roommate (and one I’m most suspicious of) just said she agreed.
Because of this track record, I assume my food will be taken again and I want to set up a camera to catch the culprit. While I could try to convince everyone to agree on this, they may not or it would deter the culprit.
I’m aware there could be legal issues, but I am very certain none of my roommates are smart or energetic enough to try and sue me. I’m sure this will cause a rift, but I already assume they think of me as a jerk as I’m the only one advocating for issues.
So WIBTJ for setting up a camera without some roommates knowing?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you do it secretly. Just tell them you are setting up the camera. You’ve clearly been pushed to the edge and I’ll bet the other two have been as well.
Ask the whole group at once if it’s okay if you put a camera up. My guess is the culprit will feel pressured into agreeing. If the group says no to the camera, then sit down all together and in person to brainstorm other solutions.
If you all come up with it together, ur not the bad guy and it’s easier to hold each other accountable. Make the consequences severe if it happens again. (Aka if it happens again cameras go up or everyone gets assigned a kitchen cabinet and a lock) Whatever you do, don’t put a camera up without telling everyone else.
That’s icky, and you really want to retain the moral high ground here. At best you’ll catch them in the act but they’ll be able to deflect by pointing out how egregious it is to film someone in their home. At worst, you lose the trust of the group.
Besides, telling everyone about the camera may actually be a deterrent to the thief which is the goal anyway.” peggingpinhead
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. You glossed over the part where you admit that you leave scolding little notes all over the apartment about how to do things to your standards.
Not cool. How do I know? I was you about 45 years ago. One or more of your roommates is eating your food in passive-aggressive revenge. Gather all your young idiot selves together and agree on some house rules. Listen at this meeting and apologize for the notes.
Be equal. Study hard, work hard, and earn enough for your own place. And if food theft continues, strategic use of ghost peppers.” dontlikebeige
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In this situation, I don’t think you’d be the jerk for wanting to put up a camera, as long as you’re transparent with your roommates about it.
You’ve tried reasonable steps like labeling and discussing boundaries in the group chat, and it sounds like your efforts haven’t stopped the food from being taken. However, the camera could create tension if it feels intrusive, so giving them a heads-up before installing it is key.
As long as you’re clear about why you’re doing it and prioritize everyone’s privacy, it’s a fair response to a frustrating situation.” JollySwimmerHere
4. AITJ For Not Allowing My Daughter's Polyamorous Partner At Thanksgiving?
“My daughter (35) and her husband (36) have chosen a polyamorous lifestyle. My husband and I have come to terms with this in order to have them in our lives (this wasn’t easy at first) – we love both of them very much.
I invited the two of them to dinner and football on Thanksgiving, however, my daughter said she would not come if she could not bring her other partner as well.
This is more than my sweet husband can really deal with, and we said no. AITJ for feeling like our home is Team Husband and not Team Whoever it is now (this past year there have been several). For context, we are in our 60s, have been together for 30+ years, and consider ourselves pretty liberal – this however has been an eye opener.”
Another User Comments:
“One of the biggest problems we have as we get older and accustomed to our lives: new developments in society, language, technology, and other areas are harder for us to adjust and acclimatize to. Polyamory hid in the closet 30 years ago, but it was there.
It’s a measure of how far we’ve come that LGBTQ+, Pan, Ace, and Poly folk are less afraid to exist in the public sphere. Not unafraid, mind; less afraid. And your daughter is unafraid to present her life to you, strange as it may seem to you and your husband.
I can’t fault you for not wanting to host the threesome if it keeps changing components, but I’ll note that you probably hosted a number of partners when your daughter was young and in search of her spouse. This is no different in many ways, and very different at the same time.
No jerks here, because, to me, you’re entitled to comfort in your own home, and your daughter is entitled to live as she chooses as long as she’s not harming anyone without consent. That said, perhaps a restaurant, or a visit to their place? It’ll seem old hat in no time.” tosser9212
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You have a great relationship with your daughter, and she has the right to her choices. It’s kind of like … if someone has a very new relationship – regardless of if they’re poly, mono whatever, you don’t invite that person along to Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving is a really bad time to meet a new partner in any way. Plan a dinner or game night at a time when there’s not a lot of pressure. Sounds like you’re all committed to listening to each other and finding something that will work for all parties eventually, so if I were you, I wouldn’t be super stressed around one Thanksgiving.” DTownForever
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ at all but because they are a polyamorous couple it’s helpful to remember that framing things as “Team Husband” in comparison to others isn’t gonna serve you or them well in the long run. Them being poly means they’ve discovered that they have the ability to connect with and romantically grow with more than one person and that can be a really lovely thing because telling you means they trust you enough to hold and love them for who they really are.
Even though being poly is more acceptable now than in the past, non monogamous people still deal with a ton of social exclusion which causes a lot of people to not disclose this to family or other loved ones out of fear of abandonment or judgment.
That said, you can invite whoever into your home but also may want to process with your husband what means to manage your own discomfort so you can keep loving your kids and their partners well. That processing may mean it’s a no for now and it’s ok to tell your daughter that you’re still unpacking and figuring out what it means to support her now that you know her capacity for relationship is more expansive.
You may find that committing to this hard emotional work is worth it because you’ll see your daughter and son-in-law flourish in new or different ways because they don’t have to split their time or be a palatable but lesser version of themselves for you.
And you may meet some really lovely new people in the process.” TryFun651
3. AITJ For Telling My Wife She Wasn't Ready For Sundress Season?
“My wife overheard me and my friends joking around when we were playing video games. I joked that I can’t wait for sundress season to be here.
After they left she told me to take her shopping. I asked her why and she said to buy her a sundress because it’s almost sundress season. I jokingly said she wasn’t ready, and she was offended by it. Not much else to say other than if I’m the jerk for cracking a joke at that because she’s made a bigger deal out of it than I thought.
For the record, my wife is probably overweight; but I’m not an idiot and didn’t tell her that.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ you talked up sundresses and she wanted to look good in one for you, you turned her down. Just because it’s cold outside still doesn’t mean that she can’t wear it around the house and look good just to feel good.
The way you said she wasn’t ready implies her weight is a joke, and implies that you’re more looking forward to looking at other women in sundresses instead of her.” mt497
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So, what’s the punchline? Explain the joke. Why is it funny and not at all hurtful to your wife?
You were joking with your friends about being ready for sundress season – I’m guessing so you can ogle and objectify women who are just minding their business. But, not your wife though, because apparently you don’t find her attractive enough for your blessed sundresses (even though you aren’t brave enough to just openly say that).
Your wife overheard that and probably thought she’d buy a dress and feel/look pretty for you (not that you deserve it) – and you passive aggressively cut her down.” [deleted]
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Bring My Wife And Kids On Work Trips?
“I’ve (32M) been very fortunate to work a job that pays well and allows me to travel the world doing what I love. But sometimes with a wife (24F) and two boys, a job that requires you to travel isn’t ideal.
But I’m not interested in other work because like I said it’s what I love and I’m lucky and blessed financially.
Sometimes I bring my wife and children on the trips but this time I decided not to and my wife is getting suspicious and thinks I’m being sneaky.
Honestly, I don’t blame her, I can understand where she’s coming from. Lovers get jealous/see red flags and ask questions. I understand that. I’ve had my moments of jealousy too but the truth is I don’t want to bring her and the kids because it stops being a work trip and becomes a vacation where I have to work while also catering to her and the boys.
In her mind, it’s like I’m not working.
Instead of a three-day trip where I go to work and come back home, it now becomes a week-plus-long vacation where we have to do all the tourist things I’ve done a million times for the last several years.
A vacation with two boys isn’t the most peaceful vacation in the world either. But she thinks I’m being sneaky.
But the truth is I’d rather go do what I have to do, watch some TV in the hotel room without the boys screaming, relax, and come back to my family in a couple of days.
I do enjoy the small periods alone but it’s not like I have some secret family I’m traveling to see nor am I planning trips to purposely get away but when it happens I do enjoy it by myself. This has caused suspicion and a rift in my household.
Should I just tell her to come? But wouldn’t that be more suspicious? Like she caught me? Does that mean I can’t take any trips without them anymore? Do I have to bring them every time? No more solo work trips? I’ve gone on these trips long before even meeting my wife.
What should I do? We have a pretty strong relationship and I would hate for something so small to cause us problems.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You want your cake and to eat it too. You picked a young woman who you thought would be satisfied with being a stay-at-home mom and not make demands on you, but unfortunately, you should’ve just found a woman you enjoy for moments and not look for some long-term white picket fence situation that does not work for you.
You say you appreciate your wife, but when does she get her small periods away from the family to relax and have some space and not deal with being probably the one doing all of the labor to allow you to live the life you live?” _parenda_
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk for not wanting them to come on work trips, because a work trip is not a vacation. But YTJ for continuously leaving your wife at home with two young children with seemingly zero understanding of how hard that is for her.
Plus you don’t seem to actually like having a wife and kids. The point of having a family is to actually spend time with your family, not to jet off around the world and relax and watch TV and do your own thing. Also, you talk about having seen the sights a million times, but presumably, your wife and kids haven’t.
Instead of bringing them on your work trips, organize proper family holidays so your wife and kids get to experience the world like you have. And make sure your wife gets plenty of alone time too. When you’re not traveling for work, give your wife opportunities to go on a trip with her friends or have a weekend to herself or whatever.” anonoaw
Another User Comments:
“The work-trip/secretary/unfaithful media trope has traumatized some women since childhood and formed their idea of what entails marriage from a very very young age. Your wife is a victim of that, and her mistrust is stemming from that. Understand that it’s not her fault she doesn’t feel comfortable with that.
Also, most women in the world are also going to be at the very least displeased with their husbands leaving them with the kids and chores while they go relax, watch TV, and relax. THAT part isn’t fair. You’re posting about how you’d rather she not come so YOU can relax meanwhile your wife just wants to go on a little vacation with you instead of being forced into another week having all the responsibilities to herself.
That’s so selfish and it makes me wonder why you care so little about your wife’s happiness versus your own. So, for that reason, YTJ. Your kids are your responsibility and your wife deserves a break once in a while.” meangirls2024
1. AITJ For Refusing To Help Raise Money For My Brother's Cancer Treatment?
“When my brother (18m) was 4 and I (16m) was 2 he was diagnosed with a blood cancer.
He’d been ill for a little while and our parents thought he had the flu or something so they didn’t get him all the help right away and because of that guilt they devoted every second to him from that point forward. It was supposed to be until he was cancer-free.
But by the time he was, we were 8 and 6 and they had become so used to focusing on him alone. I spent most of my time with an uncle who lived nearby or neighbors when he was undergoing treatment. My uncle didn’t like having me nearby and the neighbors were so busy with their own kids that I got pretty used to being ignored and forgotten.
So when my brother was back home and I wasn’t sent anywhere anymore I was more used to being alone somewhere and taking care of myself.
My relationship with my parents was never a close one and it’s the same with my brother. Both of us feel more like only kids and he gave me trouble before for telling our parents I’d like some of their attention too.
They’d always tell me he needed it more and he considered me a drama queen. The last time I said anything which was like 3 years ago, he said he didn’t realize boys could be as dramatic as girls.
My brother’s cancer came back 5 years ago and it was dealt with early and he didn’t have treatment for very long and after that he seemed better in all ways.
He had more energy, his appetite was better and he was doing stuff he’d never had the energy to do before.
About a year ago my mom’s parents moved closer to us and they spent time focused on me which bonded me to them pretty quickly.
I spend a lot of time with them now. I also took my focus totally off my parents and wanting their attention.
In July my brother’s cancer returned again but it’s different this time. I wasn’t given much info. Treatments are complicated I guess and some other countries have treatments we’re not focused on yet so there’s talk of him going to Germany and I think Switzerland (but I could be wrong since I don’t get much info).
My parents are working more hours to help pay for this. And since then I have spent even more time with my grandparents. Sometimes spending the night with them. My lack of presence wasn’t noticed until they wanted me to help raise the money and maybe offer to get tested if that’s what’s needed. They said I could start fundraisers and get a job.
I already have one but my parents never noticed.
I told them I wasn’t going to help with that and it was for the three of them to figure it out. I got yelled at and my grandparents stepped in and said I wasn’t responsible for this.
My parents were saying it was helping family, my own brother, and how could I consider not doing everything to help.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First off, you deserve the same love and attention from your parents. Who are morons not only for ignoring you but expecting you to help pay for treatments?
You are a child, not the parent. So it’s not on you to do anything of that nonsense. Second, I don’t care what condition your brother has. That doesn’t give him the right to treat you badly or act like a spoiled brat. He should’ve been called on that a long time ago and put in his place.
And third, the ‘he’s your brother/you’re family card’, is a load of crap. You don’t owe him or anyone else a thing. Both he and your parents are jerks and need to get over themselves. Just like they need to realize what terrible people they are for doing all of this to you.” Old_Inevitable8553
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents are desperate. Desperate people make bad decisions. I can sympathize with the reason for their desperation, but that doesn’t make their decisions any better. For one they had two children, not one. They failed at the job of being parents, it’s the height of hypocrisy for them to lecture you on family responsibility.
Also are these expensive treatments even going to be effective? There are a lot of snake oil salesman in the cancer treatment world. If you are in a developed country it is unlikely Switzerland or Germany have access to better treatments outside of a specific clinical trial. Clinical trials are always a gamble.
Don’t let your parents push their grief and desperation onto you. This is their problem to fix. If your brother passes it’s not because of you, it’s because of his illness.” Grump_NP
Another User Comments:
“You are 100% NTJ. My heart goes out to you.
Your parents are suffering and not in their right minds…. And that has probably been true for years now. There is something about the doom of a child that shreds the very thin membrane between sanity and insanity for many parents. Even when I think about a diagnosis like this, something so terrifying looming on the horizon hanging over their head like a scythe, my brain and sanity go a little wobbly.
Now – let me be VERY clear. I offer this as a way to understand them and empathize but NOT to excuse their neglect of you. For that, there is nothing I can offer that makes it ok. Regardless of whatever they are suffering and feeling re your brother, they have created such an unhealthy environment for both you boys/brothers and one that is downright abusive of you.
And yes, I think abusive based on what you’re telling me. Not just neglectful. I am deeply sorry you have had to sit back and watch your brother suffer, deal with the potential loss of a sibling, and go through the real-time abandonment by your parents.
No child should have to experience this, but so many do. My heart goes out to you. But please know: this is not your fault. You gave them your childhood, you owe them nothing more. Get a good therapist, and try to cut your ties a little at a time, if you can.
They will continue to drag you down with them as they are crushed under the weight of this loss. And given their state of mind they will think nothing of destroying you at the same time – such is the devastation of their hearts and minds.
Part of them is already gone.
You have to free yourself of this before you sink with them. It’s horrible they are forcing your choice here, but it sounds like really they did this for you ages ago. You never got to have a normal sibling relationship or a loving parental relationship.
They robbed you of that. Hopefully ,they come to their senses and realize how much they owe you already. And how much they will probably never be able to make right with you. But until then, you MUST protect yourself. Because your life is going to continue moving forward and you deserve to be happy.” LucidChaos78
