People Try To Rationalize Their Actions In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Wanting To Evict My Lazy, Messy Roommate?
“I am F/28, she is F/25. We’ve been friends for 3 years. Living together for 2. We live together in my house, it was inherited so there is no mortgage. We split bills 50/50, she pays no rent. (I wanted to help her get out of debt) We have 4 cats in total, 2 are hers and 2 are mine.
I tidy up when I get home from work, and then relax. On my days off I deep clean. When she gets home from work she prefers to relax all night, and on her days off she sleeps.
When we first moved in together, we had assigned chores.
She didn’t do hers, so we swapped. She still didn’t do them, so I bought dishes/towels/cloths because I was tired of never having any clean ones and left her to fend for herself.
She washes her dishes once a week, they are currently piled in a basin on the cupboard.
That’s about all she does. She doesn’t sweep the floors, clean the litterboxes, wipe down surfaces, or clean the bathroom, that’s all on me. Her room is a giant pile of trash and I wish I was exaggerating but I am not. She will do housework if I ask her to, most of the time.
But I shouldn’t have to tell a 25yo to sweep the floor?
I spoke to her about it twice: First time she said she’d try to do better, second time she said that I am the problem. She also told me my mom gave me some sort of cleaning complex?
I’m starting to resent her. I feel taken advantage of. I feel like an overworked mom living with someone else’s teenager. But at the same time, I feel like… I’m just upset because she isn’t like me in terms of lifestyle/cleanliness and I’m being unreasonable.
Just because I live a certain way, doesn’t mean she has to live that way as well, you know?
WIBTJ for evicting her? Or am I the jerk here in expecting her to do as I do?”
Another User Comments:
“You would not be the jerk.
You’re not asking for a crazy level of clean, you’re asking her to do her share of basic household chores. She’s just being not only lazy but irresponsible and taking advantage of you completely. You’re letting her live there rent-free, the least she could do is clean for goodness sake!
Having dealt with a similar situation myself, trust me, the best thing you can do is tell her she’s got to go, your living styles don’t mesh.” Stranger0nReddit
Another User Comments:
“Your inherited house will need expensive things and it will be unexpected so as an owner you need a contingency fund for those events.
Water heaters break down; especially if nobody maintains them. Roofs spring leaks; very expensive and very urgent when it happens. Heating and air systems need maintenance and replacement eventually; usually in the middle of a heat wave or freezing weather. Your roommate needs to pay rent so there is money for those things.” 2ndcupofcoffee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! What is it with grown people not picking up after themselves??? Seriously. My ex is 28 and has never in the 4 years we were together been helpful with cleaning. He literally would fill his area with trash until I couldn’t take it anymore and would clean it.
Which would hurt me. I have a bad back and take care of two kids. And clean the rest of the house. And it’s not about how people are raised because I was raised by an abusive mom who never cleaned. And I still know as an adult that you have to pick up after yourself.
It’s common sense. Who wants to live in filth? Gross. If she pulled that nonsense in an apt they would evict her. Keeping a place clean of trash is often in leases. Definitely a good enough reason to get rid of her. You aren’t her mother.” –MommaOfTwo–
20. AITJ For Not Attending My Long-Time Friend's Wedding Due To Other Commitments?
“I (28m) was really close to (27f) after high school and throughout our young adult lives.
We grew close from mutual friends within our friend group. Years and years of great memories and countless amounts of laughter.
I grew fond of her and decided to make my move to take her out. She respectfully declined and explained that she didn’t want to ruin our friendship.
I didn’t agree with that decision but respected her wishes. Months later she starts to talk to another gentleman (27m) and eventually they start to see each other and become an item.
We grew slightly apart from each which I had no problems with.
Through years of friendship, she confides in me and talks about all the bad things about their relationship. Constant phone calls of (27f) crying and being held in my arms for emotional support.
At a certain point, she stops calling/hanging out. A couple of months go by and I ask her how she is doing (I actively hang out with her father and share common interests).
She goes back to the same routine and then has an interest in one of my friends since they weren’t doing so hot. I respectfully asked her out again and was declined.
(27f) and (27m) get back together and (27f) graduates from college a month later.
Myself and (27f) argue about her getting back with (27m). I get an invite to her graduation but with a list of restrictions on how I should behave and how she doesn’t want things to be awkward. I tell her that she should enjoy her day of celebration without me being a distraction.
Since I didn’t show up to her graduation she called me in a state of inebriation crying and wanting an explanation of where I was even though I didn’t want to be a distraction on her day of celebration.
Fast forward 4 years later (27f) has a kid with (27m) and I see her after a 4-year break from our friendship.
Things pick up right where we left off on the happier side of things. (27f) meets (35f) who is my partner at the time. (27f) proceeds to talk about her in-law family, mimicking the same behavior as 4 years ago.
Dropping loads of trauma and negative thoughts into our friendship again.
Slightly before that (27f) invites myself and (35f) to her wedding. We RSVP as a yes and schedule a lunch to see her and the baby.
The wedding is on a major holiday and I have 3 other friends getting married that weekend. I pick to go to my best friend’s wedding and (27f)’s wedding.
I explain to her that I will only be there for her ceremony and to congratulate her on a personal level then will be leaving to go to my best friend’s wedding.
Like a light switch, she changes her whole demeanor and proceeds to tell me why I shouldn’t show up because all I do is disappoint her.
(27f) and I stop talking again except for when she calls me crying about how I didn’t show up for her wedding expecting me to show up.”
Another User Comments:
“Jesus, she sounds like a lot of work. It’s fine if she is not into you, but, by God, that relationship screams of friend-zonism.
NTJ for a long list of reasons, mainly that you’ve done more than enough and she still treats you like crap, using you as a therapist and telling you not to show up at all at her wedding when she knew you had equally or even more important places to be on that same day.
Plus the cry calling, the inebriated calling, the list of restrictions on how you should behave at her graduation (wtf dude, that alone is a red flag about the size of what they have at Tiananmen Square)…” fotli3146
Another User Comments:
“This girl has a lot of issues that you may be a part of, but are in no way responsible for.
She is hung up on the fact you used to have feelings for her and ended up with a man who doesn’t make her 100% happy and fulfilled (the crying, the phone calls are proof). When her relationship was at its worst, YOU were her shoulder to cry on, YOU were giving her the love and support she wasn’t getting from her partner.
It’s pretty obvious she considers you to be a safety net of sorts, that she can fall back on mentally whenever she feels unhappy with her life. Unfortunately for her, the net has one fatal flaw: she is not your priority. And why would she?
You have a partner, while your friend drifts in and out of your life whenever she pleases, constricts you with weird rules whenever you meet, while seemingly giving you very little support in return. You not going to her graduation and skipping the wedding ceremony – they are actions that pull her out of her comfort zone because you have a life outside of hers.
Coming to her wedding to congratulate and leaving early because of another commitment is a perfectly acceptable way to handle this scheduling issue. You’re good to go. NTJ.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Of course she’s mimicking the behavior from 4 years ago! You liked it 4 years ago and you never told her different?
You are friends with a drama queen. And long enough so that you KNOW what she’s like, and you knew from the graduation incident that she sometimes wants you there EVEN IF SHE SAYS SHE DOESN’T! You have evidence of that being the case! Of course the drama queen is going to be upset you are not giving her attention.
That’s what your whole relationship is based on! Do you like hanging out with this person? If no, then good, you’re done. If yes, then start learning what care means for her. It sounds like physically being there at important moments in her life is one of those things.” agathalives
19. AITJ For Not Allowing My Daughter To Get More Piercings Like Her Stepsister?
“Last year my 14yo daughter and I moved in with my fiancé and his 13yo daughter. We have been trying to integrate as a family and treat both daughters equally. However, there is one thing we are in disagreement with – piercings.
What I found rather unusual is how lenient my fiancé and his ex were with allowing piercings for their daughter.
Although she is only 13, she already has her nose, lip, eyebrow, septum, belly and many ear piercings. Personally, I think it is way too much for her age and probably too many piercings for any age.
My biological daughter has started to express an interest in piercings after seeing her step-sister having so many.
She has already asked her father who said it was okay as long as I was okay. I told her that I want her to wait until she can get them on her own as I think she is too young to make such a permanent decision.
At the moment she only has a single piercing in each ear which I believe is enough. This has not gone down well as she keeps bringing up that her younger step sister can get whatever she wants but she cannot even get a few ear piercings.
She believes I am being totally unfair.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“Just an FYI, if she wants it badly enough she’ll do it herself or find someone else to do it. I speak from the experience of being 13. I’ll agree with you on the ‘no facial piercings until you reach the age of majority and can sign and pay for them yourself’ bit, in fact, that’s why my kid had to wait until they could sign themself.
But come on. A second set in her ears? A cartilage piercing? I don’t see what your issue is here. Then again, you’d disapprove of the number of piercings I, a grown adult with adult children, have. So there’s not really any argument which can be made with you here.
In the end, you are the parent. If you say no, it’s no. But be prepared for her to find another way, and don’t be a jerk and double punish her when she gets a piercing she has to hide and it gets infected- that, in itself, is punishment enough.
No jerks here but I think you’re being unreasonable and shortsighted, and underestimating what kids will do in self-expression when they have overbearing parents.” CatteHerder
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Had a similar issue with my daughter when she was a teenager. She dearly wanted a tattoo and gauge piercings in her ears and piercings in her lips.
I didn’t like the thought of those piercings, although I’m not against tattooing at all, both things are kind of pricey for me. So I told her when she was old enough to afford it, she could do what she wished, and I would not look badly on her for it.
She doesn’t have any tattoos yet but she does have a couple of very tasteful lip piercings (something I never ever thought I’d be saying in 1 million years lol!) and small gauges for her ears. Maybe a kind of negotiating point would be a second piercing in each ear, to at least make the whole thing not seem like such forbidden fruit territory?” JulieB1ggerbear
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At the end of the day – she’s a minor and you need to make what you believe is the best decision for her as her parent. In saying that – from parent to parent – I’d consider perhaps a good conversation with your daughter and a compromise.
My daughter is allowed to get one piercing a year. When she was 11, it was her ears When she was 12, it was her septum. She’s now decided to take a break for her 13th birthday – because her septum really hurt and it was a rough heal and she wants to take time to consider what she might like next.
The best way, IMO, to deal with this is to offer a controlled decision. It gives your daughter some form of control – but only as much as you let her. Perhaps give her an option of either a nose piercing OR another set of earrings.
She had the control over the choice but you have the control over how many.” Sword_Of_Storms
18. AITJ For Refusing To Cancel Our Anniversary Trip For My Partner's DnD Game?
“I (24F) and my partner (24M) have had a mini vacation planned for several months for our 2-year anniversary. He very much enjoys DnD and his friend group is constantly having online sessions, which I enjoy listening but they rarely get to do in-person sessions due to everyone’s schedule.
One of the friends lives out of state but has come into town this weekend, he stopped by our house and then started talking about doing a couple of in-person sessions, which my partner was all for till I reminded him that our vacation was this weekend so that wouldn’t work.
My partner quickly talked about canceling our vacation for the sessions, that we could reschedule it since the sessions were important. I told him that I was sorry that the plans fell where they did but I’d be upset if he canceled our vacation for the sessions.
His friends and him agree that I don’t understand the importance of this and I’m being unreasonable for not agreeing to cancel the vacation.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your partner and his buddies miss playing D&D in person so much that canceling a long-scheduled trip seems reasonable to them, they can get out their own calendars and arrange a time specifically for that when everyone actually is free.
Expecting you to be left high and dry because someone else is suddenly available at the last minute is not fair by any stretch of the imagination, and it’s frankly insulting that your partner didn’t remember he had plans until you pointed it out.
I’d really be asking myself where you stand in his priorities if I were you.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You may also want to consider spending your anniversary single because he’s shown where his priorities are. Him pushing to reschedule plans that have been set for several months to spend time with friends shows you that his priority isn’t you, it’s them.
If he had asked, maybe I could understand, but getting his friends involved instead of sticking up for your plans shows his true colors. His response to his friends after you reminded him of those plans should’ve been “I can’t that weekend. I’m taking an anniversary trip with my partner.” You being unreasonable should never have entered the picture and he’s painting you in a bad light to his friends to cover up his own inability to honor his commitment to you.” PaintLicker_2022
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. I think he’s allowed to ask, but you’re allowed to want to be prioritized! This was so close to what’s happening with me that I called my partner to check in lol my partner’s bday and the season finale of my dnd session are coming up this weekend.
I talked with my partner and he was absolutely fine with me playing instead of attending a bday BBQ he’s having with his family. We already planned to do something together on Sunday anyway. If he mentioned that it was important to him or if anything felt off, I would have missed the session in a heartbeat, but it seems like OP’s partner isn’t willing to respect that she isn’t okay with it.
That being said, I’ve found it’s never worth it to force someone to do anything they don’t want. You’ll end up with a half-present partner and it won’t meet expectations. You should bring a friend with you, let him do his own thing, and take some time while you evaluate how this had made you feel.” GenericHappyHuman
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Continue With Girl Scouts Despite My Mom's Pressure?
“I have been in Girl Scouts ever since I was the eligible age. I have always hated it but I couldn’t quit it since my mom literally works for Girl Scouts. She was the one that brought me into this. When I was younger, she would always prioritize Girl Scouts and her reputation over my social life and emotions.
I didn’t make many friends. The only time I wasn’t doing Girl Scouts, I was taking ice skating, baseball, tennis, soccer, karate, and gymnastics lessons. I frequently felt overworked and tired, but when I got home from hours of sports my mom always had Girl Scout projects for me.
Whoopee.
I grew a deep hatred for Girl Scouts. After my second year in middle school, my mom and I came to an agreement that I could do less in Girl Scouts if I completed my bronze award. She wanted me to get a job and focus on getting on the honor roll every year.
She promised that she would talk to me before signing me up for anything. Of course, I wasn’t able to drop Girl Scouts completely. However, I would do things less frequently so I had time to actually live a little.
She somewhat made good on her promise.
Sometimes, she would sign me up for things without warning and would wait until the last minute to tell me. I found it annoying and often brought up her promise. She just needed to ask me first! I wasn’t picky or anything, if she asks me about an event I usually say yes.
Her breaking our promise often made me have to cancel plans with my friends and it was so frustrating. I always brought up quitting Girl Scouts because I was miserable but she kept yelling at me and shutting me down.
Recently, she’s been forcing me to complete my silver award.
The project requires at least 50 hours of service. I was really frustrated because she dropped the silver award training on me at the last minute. Also, she replaced my project idea with hers. When I told her I didn’t have the time to do the project (I have a job and a packed schedule due to summer classes for college credits) She told me I “already committed to the project” even though she was the one that signed me up without warning.
Ugh. She is now constantly telling me no college will accept me if I don’t do the project. I only want to do my gold award because that is the highest award. Plus, I have a 4.0 GPA, many college class credits, completed an entire high-school language course in middle school, NJHS memberships, and I play multiple sports.
I’m pretty sure I will get into at least one college. (hopefully!) I want to learn more languages and pursue a doctorate in pathology. I don’t mean to offend her, I simply have no time.
Her words have been getting to my head and I am afraid I am just being rude and disrespectful to her.
AITJ for not wanting to do this project?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and my daughter was accepted into top universities and was not ever a scout. So that’s a load of nonsense from your mother. Yes, universities MIGHT look at the Gold Award because it represents a certain amount of commitment and that’s part of what colleges are looking for.
But millions of students are not scouts or don’t even get to Bronze but get into top universities. Your credentials are impressive, similar to my daughter’s and you will get into many top schools without the Gold. Convincing your mother of this, however, is a whole nother issue.
Good luck.” Avocadosarecool2000
Another User Comments:
“Council staff member here! Are you in a troop, or are you an IRM (a Juliette)? If you’re in a troop, I suggest talking to your leader about this. If you’re an IRM, you can try contacting your membership manager, or a member of your service unit or even bring it up to your council.
As for your mom’s comment about no school accepting you if you don’t do your Silver and Gold, that’s nonsense. Having your highest awards will look great on any college application, but they’re not a deal breaker. Doing your Bronze, Silver, and Gold are not required to be in Girl Scouts.
NTJ. You’re supposed to choose your service project yourself. Your mom is way out of line forcing you to do her ideas.” KuroHeta
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all! I went through GS for 13 years and had to fight to not do Gold because it wouldn’t have benefitted my college goals, but I didn’t have nearly as many extracurriculars as you so I coasted the last few years.
Looking back, I didn’t gain anything from staying beside a few more people that I don’t talk to on social media and an irrational need to overpack because of “Always be prepared!” being drilled into my brain at every event. This is no different than a parent who loved playing sports wanting to push their kid into that sport.
People have different interests, motivations, and goals and yours should be respected.” Icy_Journalist7539
16. AITJ For Trying To Teach My Brother Basic Cooking Skills?
“I (15F) was home alone with my brother (12M) while my sister (17F) was going for a drive to practice stuff like turns, parking, etc.
Anyway, I was told to cook my brother some dinner as he doesn’t know how and I’m pretty experienced around the kitchen so, I agreed. But I decided I was gonna try making him do most of the work as a simple life lesson everyone needs to know is how to cook at least the basics.
When my parents and sister were out, he wanted to make some fries (which was simple enough for him.) When I told him he needs to learn (I was there helping him) he was just standing around sulking, refusing to let me help him learn to cook.
I told him he should at least try but, he decides to ignore me and goes to the living room and continues to watch YouTube like a normal 12-year-old boy.
Now, I was recently discharged from the hospital for an eating disorder and was told I should stay away from heat or much movement because it could affect my heart rate (it dropped to about 15bpm and they were worried the heat around stoves would make me pass out etc.).
So, it was risky for me to be in the kitchen alone but I didn’t wanna upset my brother.
When I finished making him his fries, he complained about a lot of things. (Not enough of this seasoning, too much of this seasoning, etc.) I told him that if he did it himself, he could’ve chosen the amount of seasoning.
He just sat there mumbling.
My mother forced me and my older sister to learn how to cook and do a lot of basic life skills when we were just 7-8 and left us home alone at that age. But, she’s babied my brother and I’m kinda mad at her for it (he can’t even tie his shoes).
When my parents and sister got home from driving, I told them he didn’t even attempt to cook and he should learn soon. They disagreed.
My parents called me unreasonable and said “boys will be boys” and called me a jerk for even trying to make him be around hot oil as he could burn himself, despite the rules given to me by the hospital I broke.
I didn’t yell or be loud as I’m sensitive when someone yells back, I just tried giving them a lecture that my brother was gonna grow up to be useless if he doesn’t learn how to do simple things as he has no plan for the future.
They continued to side with him.
My brother has no health or mental conditions that would make this stuff difficult for him, he’s just lazy and plays video games all day. (Sometimes he doesn’t even get up to use the bathroom and does it where he is.
He’s 12.)
My sister sided with me as he’s almost a teenager and can’t do simple things. I know this isn’t a big deal but, I think my parents aren’t helping my brother enough and I’m worried for his future, where he’s gonna go without these simple skills.
So, AITJ for trying to make my brother cook?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Your brother kinda sucks in this but really, I don’t think it’s his fault. I think it’s bad parenting (sorry). Boys will be boys and that kind of gender role trash of girls cook and guys don’t is awful and doesn’t prepare you for actual life well.
He should learn to do things himself, you should be free to not have to cater to him, he shouldn’t just sit back and complain while people take care of him, and well, this shouldn’t have been given the environment/encouragement to happen in the first place.
Your brother is too young to not be extremely influenced by what he’s allowed and guided towards being acceptable and not. Sadly, I think he’s due for some trouble later on for it. But you, are not a jerk, no.” SFyr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but you’re wrong.
This IS a big deal. Your parents have one job when it comes to kids – helping them grow up to be healthy independent adults. They are failing your brother in a big way, and you were right to challenge them on it (though this is by no means your responsibility).
I also wonder if there is something more serious going on with him, if he is sitting around wetting himself at 12.” TipTopC
15. AITJ For Not Telling My Mom About My Wife's Pregnancy?
“My wife (29F) and I (28M) found out 2 months ago that we are having another baby and I refuse to tell my mom.
My mom had me at 18 with my dad who was 21. After I was born, I grew up with split custody and never knew any different. Growing up I dealt with various forms of mistreatment from both parents as well as added stress from caring for my dad when he broke his back and got addicted to pain meds.
He passed away when I was a senior in high school. The 1st words out of her mouth when told were “oh no, now I have to do this on my own.” I barely graduated due to missing so much school and after graduation, my mom promptly kicked me out for substances that I wasn’t using.
After some time we fixed things and I moved back in. At 19 I started seeing a girl, who my mom disliked, and was kicked out yet again. I spent 6 months couch-hopping before my partner and I got an apartment together. We broke up and once again, fixed things with Mom and moved back in.
A month later I joined the Army at age 20 and I am still presently serving.
Once I joined, my now wife and I began talking. On my 1st Christmas leave, we started to see each other. 7 months later we got married, all with the support of my mom.
However, once married, my mom started getting mean to my wife and stepdaughter.
Through another cut-off between us, eventually, my mom apologized. However, she still would ‘forget’ about my daughter’s birthdays and would have to be reminded every year. When we found out my wife was pregnant with my son, she got excited and actually came to visit us where I was stationed to meet him.
Things seemed fine over the years to follow but she always showed little interest in my wife or kids. This began to eat at me as I felt she didn’t care to be a part of their lives and always had to be reminded of birthdays despite having multiple calendars with dates clearly labeled.
In Feb, I began going to therapy for PTSD where my doc said my childhood contributed to what I was dealing with and suggested I speak to my mom right about when she forgot about my son’s 5th birthday.
I called her to confront her about it as well as my trauma.
The conversation quickly deteriorated to her blaming my children for not calling her, my dad for the trauma she caused, and said I was just using her as a punching bag. It ended with her saying, “you need to go back to your freaking doc and get your meds changed because I don’t know who the heck you even are.”
I sent her a message restating all of the awful things she said to me, told her I would forgive her if she apologized, but need to cease contact. 2 months ago we found out my wife is pregnant again with our daughter after thinking my wife was infertile from PCOS.
I refuse to tell my mom. It’s been 5 months and she still has yet to apologize for anything or even speak to me at all. It pains me since she’s my mom and I want her to be a part of it, but I don’t want to subject my family any further to her neglect and callousness to them.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve chosen your family (wife and kids) over your extended family (mom). That’s as it should be. In marriage, the going premise is that you “leave your mother and father and cleave to your wife”. That’s the best way to build a long-lasting marriage.
Separately, you gave her relatively easy conditions to meet if she wanted to continue to be a part of your life and she has refused to meet them. Stick to the boundaries you have set or she will just keep repeating her abusive actions again and again.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“In my therapy, I learned people don’t change until they themselves see a problem with their behavior. It sounds like from your post that your mother doesn’t see the problem and will continue to blame others. NTJ and she doesn’t need to know anything about your life.
I also have a toxic mother and the struggle is real, it’s like no matter how awful she was when I see her sad life now I feel inclined to do something to help. I have to stop myself from trying to take care of her.
Because each time I do she makes me miserable and reminds me how self-centered she is.” Expensive-Issue-3188
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you have to do what’s right to protect you and your family. There is no point in traumatizing and harming your health every time she contacts you.
You need to do what’s right for you as she’s never cared. I grew up in a toxic family with narcissistic parents and what I will say is that this is now more than just you she will do harm to. It is your job now to protect your children from being emotionally and mentally harmed by her.
The younger they are around this the more harm it does as you know. She has shown you she will never change but won’t even admit she does anything wrong. So she would definitely do the same things to them whilst telling you you’re overreacting and talking rubbish.
As heartbreaking and hard as it is to lose the mother you want, she has never been that. Believe me, I know the guilty feelings and doubt and the truth is she trained you to feel that if you didn’t do what she wanted. She trained you to be the guilty one no matter what she did to you as she would never be responsible for her actions in any way.
Your life will be easier and happier but it does take time. I’m glad you’re seeing a counselor they help.” Sweet-Interview5620
14. AITJ For Letting My Son Dye His Hair Pink Against His Father's Wishes?
“My (44f) son (A, 9m) recently asked if he could dye his hair pink again. We did this a couple of years ago, and he loved it. The problem is, that he has naturally dark brown hair, so it needs to be bleached before the vibrant color goes through.
I am separated from their father, who I will just call D (m48). He is a controlling, verbally, and emotionally abusive bully. He sees the kids every second weekend, one night only.
D hated the colored hair before and had a go at me about it.
My way of thinking is kids don’t have a great deal of control over their lives, they have school, uniforms, etc. Letting them have full freedom with their hair is a great way to have some autonomy, and also learn consequences (eg my daughter (7f) has had a nightmare growing out an asymmetric bob cut, that was shaved on half her head).
A recently asked to do his hair again, I agreed and we started talking about options, colors, and when to do it.
He sent his dad a message excitedly telling him about the plans.
D responded, “NO, don’t do it”. I found him in tears, upset that his dad said no, and shot down something he was excited about.
We talked, and he still wanted pink hair but is worried about his dad’s reaction.
We did the hair. He loves it.
D has blown up my phone to verbally abuse me about making our son gay.
AITJ for coloring a 9-year-old’s hair, even though I knew my ex would hate it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If D had been concerned with his son’s safety due to the use of bleach (which if handled appropriately is not putting him in any danger) his concerns would’ve been more understandable but thinking you turned him gay, seriously? I am really glad that you got out of this relationship.
Not only do I think you’re NTJ, I think you’re a great parent for not putting any of society’s stupid gender roles onto your children, but rather help them be confident in themselves and help them express themselves.” LilahBower
Another User Comments:
“I wonder, if hair color will turn a boy gay, why didn’t it turn me into a lesbian the countless times I did it?
Just kidding, but really–Your ex is being obnoxiously controlling, to the point that your son is just going to stop sharing things with him, not wanting to experience these bad reactions. I hope your son loves his hair and that your ex can take a beat and realize that he’s not punishing you or your son, he’s only punishing himself in the long run.
NTJ, obviously!” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. It is your son’s choice. He wants to color his hair, it’s not like he’s going to harm someone on the streets. Honestly, I find it cool that kids are wanting to experiment with a bit of style in their lives, as long as it’s done safely and professionally then there is no harm to it.
To most, pink is seen as a girl’s color, but there is a saying that goes like this “real men wear pink” and your 9-year-old boy is more of a man than that thankfully ex-husband/partner/etc, I have no idea if you two were married. All I’d say about your kid is “dude, you go ahead and rock that hair like no tomorrow”.
The dad, however, definitely a jerk.” Blargenschmoogle
13. AITJ For Reporting My Heavy Drinker Dad To The Police After A Car Accident?
“My (19f) dad has always been a heavy drinker. I’d say he’s a functioning heavy drinker, he works and has a ‘normal’ life, but he has at least 5 drinks every single day, and can’t go without.
He often drinks more than that.
We recently went to a concert. He drove since he promised he wouldn’t drink until he got home. I made him promise, he often drinks and drives.
Well, he broke his promise. He had 4 beers before we left, that I saw, it might be more.
I offered to drive since I recently got my license. He refused. I offered to look for public transport options, but he got angry and told me I could either walk or get in the car. So I did.
Another car hit us. It wasn’t my dad’s fault, but if he was sober I’m pretty sure he would have reacted in time to prevent it.
While he and the other driver were filling in the insurance forms at a gas station parking lot, a police car came by for gas and stopped by to ask what happened. I pulled one of them aside and told them exactly what happened.
My dad was taken to the police station, I’m not sure what happened, my mom picked me up.
She was furious that I’d knowingly got him in trouble. My dad hasn’t talked to me at all since then. My mom is short and angry too.
I mean, I was upset. He broke his promise and drove under the influence even though there were other options.
Even though I told him I didn’t want to get in the car. But it probably was the wrong move.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your Dad: Drinking and driving. Failure to live up to his word not to. Pressuring you to get into the car.
Your Mom: Enabling his behavior. Berating you for challenging it. You: And this is going to be the tough one to hear. You’re not a jerk for reporting your father to the cops. You are a jerk for getting into the car. In so doing you condoned his behavior.
You’re 19, and you’re an adult. “No” is a complete sentence. For any number of reasons, that “no” is probably really hard for you right now, but you need to get used to saying it. Especially if you have a heavy drinker in your life.” Illuminator007
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were not the jerk when you told the police what happened. Your dad has a drinking problem and that clouds your judgment and your ability to react and that is probably what contributed to the accident. It might not have been his fault, but not reacting in time was likely a result of the booze.
That being said however driving intoxicated is a serious offense and your dad could lose his license. If that happens you might not have heard the end of this situation from your mom who might keep harping on you about it even though the only one who should be harped upon is your dad for driving under the influence.
All of that being said I do think that you should learn a little personal responsibility. Never get in a car with someone who has been drinking it could cost you your life. Even though your dad was upset and wanted you to get in the car you could have resisted and gone back in the house.
He was not going to lift you up and physically put you in the car. I think the reason you got in the car is because you really wanted to go to a concert which shows you value the concert more than your own life.
Hopefully, you grow out of that in time.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father is a dangerous, abusive jerk who could’ve harmed you and others (which will inevitably happen someday at this rate), and your mother is an enabling jerk who cares more about your father getting into hot water than your well-being.
I am so sorry that you’re the only sane and responsible adult in your family. You made him promise not to drink before driving, which is the absolute very least he can do. You offered to drive when he broke his promise, which is entirely reasonable (and very generous).
Then you sensibly suggested public transportation, only to have him verbally abuse you with an ultimatum. Your heavy drinker father is abusive af, so I don’t blame you for getting in the car. Please don’t beat yourself up over this—you were (and probably always have been) his emotional hostage.
Despite this, you did everything you could to avoid putting everyone’s lives at risk, including other drivers and pedestrians. He didn’t listen. Your mother didn’t intervene. They failed you as parents and adults. Your only choice at that point was to escalate, which you did.
Truly hope your father’s license gets revoked before he harms anyone. Please get away from your parents ASAP, and get plenty of therapy (if you haven’t already). Wishing you the very best.” bababaxy
12. AITJ For Being Upset That My Friend Regifted My Present As A Prank?
“I (18F) have been friends with Jay (19M) for as long as I can remember. We went to school and essentially grew up together.
A few months ago I met another one of my friends, Mia (20F). One night, I was dining with Jay and Mia happened to be in the same establishment. Because we casually met, I introduced them both and a few weeks later they are now seeing each other.
I’m happy for them! But here’s the little prank.
So for an extra piece of context; a few years ago I gifted Jay this monkey plushie. It’s a medium-sized monkey that has cute little sunglasses on. I gave it to him since I thought he’d like it, and he did.
As it is now; Mia texted me this picture of the plushie I gifted Jay alongside the text “Dude, look what a cute gift Jay gave me!!!” I texted Jay like “did you just gift her the plushie I gave you for your birthday?” and Jay just goes “I’m sorry, I had to give her something.”
I got a bit mad because it’s a gift I gave him for his birthday. It cost me my money and I thought it at least had some emotional value to it. Jay follows “Wait, are you mad? I’m sorry” and I was just like “yeah, but it’s whatever I guess.”
What follows next are texts in the line of “it’s just a prank bro” from both Mia and Jay. They tried calling but I didn’t respond either. Mia just goes “Jeez, so sensitive dude”. I still haven’t responded.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I actually think it’s worse if it’s a prank. People can be stupid sometimes and not realize that they’re committing a social faux pas by giving away a gift that was so recently given to them, but plotting with someone else to make you think they had?
Why was that supposed to be funny? Let’s play on her insecurities until she gets mad, and then we’ll tell her it’s all a big joke. What the heck? They’re either lying about it being a prank so that you won’t be mad anymore or whoever came up with that prank is messing with you in a way that’s not friendly at all.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“They were trying to upset you. That was the prank. It was funny to them to cause you emotional pain. Then when you had the maturity to recognize it and not hide your feelings or pretend to be “cool with it”, they got mad!
They are complete jerks. When I was 19/20 I had “friends” like these. They didn’t truly care about me. My life has been so much better since I stopped spending time with them. Having friends who truly care about you is wonderful. Work on making those types of friends and just ignore these other two, they’re not worth your emotions.
NTJ.” PattersonsOlady
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Mia is uncomfortable and insecure about your relationship with Jay and is suggesting these little “pranks” as a way to drive a wedge between you so she can claim you are being “too sensitive” without looking like the manipulative person she is.
Have a talk with Jay about not being comfortable with the pranks, and let Mia know you see what she’s doing. Not at the same time, of course.” Creatureteacher86150
11. AITJ For Asking A New Mother To Stop Checking Her Phone During A Movie?
“Went to see Top Gun Maverick, with seats in the middle of the front row of the main section. The woman directly next to me kept looking at her phone every few minutes and then whispering to her partner.
The phone was bright (although, I think turned down) and it was really distracting. And disappointing to have paid that much for a ticket and have lights flashing in my peripheral vision the whole time.
I wasn’t clocking her, since that would light up my phone, but it seemed about once every three minutes for about 20 minutes.
About every other time she would turn and whisper to her husband. Except it’s Top Gun, so her whispering is loud since she’s trying to whisper over the volume of the movie.
I finally asked her, as politely as I could, if she would please stop looking at her phone so much.
She exploded on me and said she was a new mother with a baby at home and she needed to check on said baby.
She then slammed her drink down on the table, pushed the table, and stormed out.
She eventually came back, but she continued to slam her drink down every time she took a sip for the entire movie.
I’m sympathetic to new parents wanting to get out, but if she needed to check her phone so much maybe the middle of the front row wasn’t the place for her.
My husband thought she was over the top and distracting, but one of my new mom friends said I should have had more empathy.
Not that I knew she was a new mom when I asked her to stop checking her phone.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She may have had “justifications” but you didn’t know that before asking her to stop. She never needed to explode or be sour.
She could have apologized for the inconvenience and explained, and gone from there. But nooooooooopo. She acted like the world was all about her. If she was so worried about her kid, she could have just kept her rude self home. She was the jerk because of her entitlement.” looneylefty92
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People like this bug me. They only care about themselves and don’t care how their actions impact others. If she was so worried about her kid she could have streamed a movie at home. When the kid is older she can feel more comfortable leaving the kid with a babysitter and not worrying so much.
Honestly, if she’s THAT concerned, why is she leaving the house anyway? We need more people like you to call out those who don’t have empathy for others. The whole reason she thought what she did was right is because she never faced consequences for her bad behavior.
And the fact that she acted like a child herself when you asked politely is more proof that you did the right thing.” Riptionator
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The new mom must have missed the message to not use your phone during the movie. I have empathy for her; as a new mom, it is difficult to leave your baby.
She might be suffering from postpartum depression and/or anxiety based on the frequency of her checking. However, that does not give her the right to distract everyone else with the light from her phone. Your friend who suggested you should have had more empathy is weird because your final statement is spot on: you had no way of knowing why she was constantly turning on her phone.
For any new or expecting parents wondering how to avoid causing similar problems when out without a baby: Turn the phone on dark mode, on vibrate, and stick it in your waistband, where you will feel it more than if it is in your pocket.
Leave the contact info of the less anxious parent with the babysitter. If out with friends while your partner is tending to the baby, ask your friend to be the point of contact for your partner in case of emergency and turn your phone off.
Your partner won’t text your friend if they don’t know where the extra diapers are, but might bug you about it.” Grand_Horror2192
10. AITJ For Taking A Month Off Work For Renovations And Not Rescheduling My Pre-Booked Holiday?
“I (17M) have worked at a McDonald’s for about 9 months now. For the most part, I like it, they pay better than most other places for my age.
A few months ago I booked 2 weeks off for an upcoming holiday. A couple of weeks after I booked the time off, I found out that our store will be closing for renovations for a month, and we all have the choice of either transferring to another store or taking the month off without pay.
I worked out that to get to the store where I’d be transferred it would take an hour, and I’d have to spend around £25 for the 3 different buses I’d need. Given that, on most shifts, I only earn about £50, and that I’m currently sitting my college exams and need time to revise for them, I decided to take the month off.
Turns out the day we reopen is the first day of my holiday, so in total I’ll be off work for 6 weeks. When I booked the month off for the closure, my manager got super upset at me for taking so much time off and acted like she’d done me a huge favor for letting me get away with it.
From my point of view, I haven’t done anything wrong – I booked my holiday before finding out about the closure and I feel I have a valid reason for not transferring to another store. Then again, this is my first real job – did I break some unspoken rule?
Should I have tried to reschedule my holiday so that it didn’t conflict with the reopening? What do you guys think?”
Another User Comments:
“What you will find in a lot of jobs of food service and retail is that the managers somehow have this notion that the work their staff are doing is highly important, life-or-death work.
Many of them, high on power, make their staff feel bad over the most ridiculous unimportant things and this is usually due to the fact they actually feel totally powerless in their own lives. Don’t take it personally. NTJ, there’s no unspoken rule, your manager is likely miserable and wants everyone else to be miserable too.
Enjoy your time off! (Side note, not all managers are like this – if you find a good one, stay employed there for as long as you can.)” moonsherbet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ entirely. I’ve worked at McDonald’s in England for 3 years as a manager.
If they approve your holiday, they have to honor it. If your shift manager or first assistant manager is giving you grief about it, speak to your business manager, aka the top boss for your store. They’re your first line of defense. See what they say, and if there’s still an issue, find out who your HR person is.
There should be information about that in the crew rooms or changing rooms. You’ve done it by the books. They legally cannot punish you for it, and if they try, raise a fuss. McDonald’s UK has a huge process for firing someone and it’s usually a hassle to go through because of the amounts of things they need to do, and if you’re squeaky enough while doing it by the book, they’ll just let you be.
Additionally, if there are more stores in your city, both franchise or corporate, you can always request a transfer to any of them and state your reasons why. Do make sure to fill out the employee feedback emails you receive as they actually are anonymous and are checked out by the big bosses.” oxcelotl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ she can deal with it you’re not getting away with anything and I’m sure the people at the other McDonald’s actually prefer having fewer people taking what are usually their shifts. Unless there is some poor planning behind the scenes involving not having enough staff to run 1 McDonald’s with the amount of people it usually takes to run 2 this shouldn’t even be any kind of problem for your management.
(and even if it was that’s their problem) It really just seems like your manager is just sour someone got a long break.” ShiggnessKhan
9. AITJ For Accepting My Sister-In-Law's Food Gifts Without Reciprocating Often?
“My husband and I live down the street from his brother and brother’s wife. We have a pretty great relationship – our toddler frequently runs over to say hi, we go on vacations together, talk almost daily. I was the one who insisted we buy a house near them because she is the sister I always wanted.
My BIL and SIL are foodies and she in particular is an amazing cook. Like makes dishes replicating Michelin-starred restaurants kind of good. It’s not her day job, but it’s her passion/stress relief.
My husband is also a foodie but I am definitely not.
I don’t particularly care about food/cooking and when I do cook it’s very basic foods, usually combined from five different Trader Joe’s cans.
SIL often sends food over to our house. A new garlic bread recipe there or stir fry there. Sometimes it’s the equivalent of a side, sometimes it’s an entire serving.
This happens at least 1-2x a week.
My husband is getting angry when I eat the food she sends over because we never send food back. But I feel weird sending her tomato soup out of the box with some spices when I know that she prefers making her own version with fresh ones from her garden.
When I do make an interesting recipe, I share but those occasions are very rare and usually pre-determined (e.g. she requested something on her birthday).
I told him that when he cooks he can send stuff over, but he doesn’t really do the cooking or gifting either.
(We have had parents staying with us and usually, they’re the ones cooking.)
AITJ for accepting these food gifts that are far more numerous than the ones I send over?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You might consider what it is you CAN do for her, like perhaps buying her some really upscale ingredients like nice bottles of olive oil and vinegar, some saffron, etc. if you can swing it financially.
But really most people do this because they love to share and be appreciated. So make sure you share how much you appreciate these lovely offerings and be lavish with your praise.” norismomma
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m an enthusiastic cook and I LOVE giving people food.
Plus I keep wanting to try things and there’s only so much room in the freezer and some stuff doesn’t freeze well. Rather than taking to the streets accosting strangers with a tray of onion bhaji, I love having Easy Food Targets. I’d feel weird af if they insisted on reciprocating when they’re not keen cooks.
It would turn my happy gifts (opportunity to offload excess) into a miserable burden. You say you have a good relationship with her, so ask HER instead of your husband trying to mind-meld to guess. Also: humans are immensely sociable and specialist creatures. It is GOOD for our societies that we build and share different skills.
I don’t need great food brought to me, I make that. I need people who listen when I speak and ask follow-up questions, people who’ll pop round with medication when I’m ill, people who’ll check bits of writing for me… and yeah, people who’ll take my excess bhaji/kibbeh/sambousik/mushroom keema off my hands.
(Actually the mushroom keema is still going begging.)” angels-and-insects
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I think if your friend/SIL had any issues with you not returning the food gifts as often as she sends gifts she would probably just stop sending them. Real friends would also find a way to mention it in a way that if there were an issue it would get resolved. I’m sure your husband knows by now that you are just a basic cook.
IMO if he is feeling a certain type of way about it he could talk to you about it (instead of getting mad) and maybe you guys could cook something together to send over ya know since he does cook better. If you think or feel maybe your husband is right the next time the 4 of are together maybe you could ask her about it in front of your husband specifically so he can hear her say that she doesn’t have an issue with it..
because she probably doesn’t since she loves to cook.. common for people who have a passion for it and actually love it.” 1Nikkinz
8. AITJ For Asking My Brother To Put A Pull Up On His Potty-Training Daughter In My Apartment?
“My brother and sister-in-law have a daughter who is one and a half and they have chosen to start potty training. I have no problem with this because it is their child and their decision.
The problem I have is when they come over she isn’t in a diaper. So when she has an accident it just goes everywhere. It wouldn’t be a big deal if the accidents were very few but they are a lot.
I’ve told them I would like her to have a pull-up on when they come over because I don’t want my apartment smelling like pee.
They told me no they will not be putting a pull-up on her because it’s their child and their decision. I told them that yes it is their child but they were in my apartment. I tried to tell them that it does take a lot to get that smell out of the carpet even after you wipe it up.
They told me I don’t have to do all that and I should just take better care of my things.
I insisted on the pull-up but they got mad and said they will no longer be coming over and that I will be lucky if I see them again.
I want to have a relationship with them and my niece but I don’t see why ruining my carpet has to be part of that relationship. So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You nailed it right here: “I told them that yes it is their child but they were in my apartment.” How is it okay to let your child pee on someone else’s floors and carpet??
Putting her in a pull-up for the short amount of time they spend at your place, won’t undo any of the potty training they have done so far. She is still pretty young and might not be ready for this step if there are so many accidents.
Especially while being somewhere else, there is often too much excitement going on for the kid to notice they have to go to the bathroom until it’s too late. Can you just go over to their place for the time being? That way they can let her pee all over their own floors.” Fantastic-Focus-7056
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I was babysitting a 5-year-old who was having potty training issues. She would pee all over my apartment and I had to wash her clothes repeatedly because she would soil them and not have backups. I took her swimming and she pooped in the apartment swimming pool.
I had it, went to the store, and bought her pull-ups. I told her dad that I didn’t mind watching her, but she’s clearly not potty trained and would be wearing diapers at my apartment. That was the last time he had me babysit.” Jennabear82
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ, I’ve got two boys, I know all too well the mess that is involved with potty training. Perhaps rather than asking them to put the pull-up on (because this can actually really mess with the potty training process as the kids use it as a nappy instead of trying to use the potty), suggest that while they are potty training, to make things easier on them and your niece, that you just go to them rather than they come to you.
You could offer to bring food over as if they were coming to you etc. They very much overreacted but potty training can be exhausting and I’m wondering if they’re getting defensive as they and the kid are struggling with it, there’s no harsher judge of a parent than the parent themselves.” [deleted]
7. AITJ For Cutting Off My Absentee Father Who Disrespects My Parenting?
“When I was a child my dad just disappeared and I never saw him again till I was grown.
When I was about 10-12 he signed his rights away. I have always resented him for this. As an adult, I tried to make a relationship with him, but whenever I do something that he doesn’t agree with he starts treating me weird and not answering my calls.
And when I try to talk to him about it he says, “I don’t have time for your nonsense” or just “ok.”
To make things worse he was teaching my kids things I didn’t agree with. Such as boys don’t cry, that it’s not ok for a boy to wear the legging pj’s that we found in the boys’ section because they were “too tight”.
Or that it was gay to show a male role model in his life affection…. MY SON IS 5! He doesn’t even know what gay is.
He will also do the opposite of what I ask him to do when it comes to them because he’s “older and has been around longer.” I don’t care how long you’ve been around, car seat safety isn’t a choice to me.
But still, he did what he wanted.
Eventually, I had enough of my boundaries being crossed and being treated like I was the ugly stepkid. And I told him I didn’t want to speak to him.
Today my sister texts me and says I need to unblock him because it’s hurting him not seeing the kids.
And my reply was “Why do I always have to hear about how hurt he is? When I was hurt nobody cared. Maybe I’ll unblock him later.”
She gets angry and tells me “GET OVER IT IT HAPPENED SO LONG AGO! I’M SICK OF YOUR CRAP.
IT’S NOT FAIR..YOU STILL TALK TO YOUR MOM. AND SHE DID YOU WRONG TOO. I’M BLOCKING YOU!”
I told her I didn’t care and I was sick of them constantly Crossing my boundaries.
She says “fine forget you too if that’s how you feel.”
AITJ for not wanting to deal with any of this? Like I’m not obligated to talk to him or have a relationship with him or allow my kids to see him treat me funny or even allow them to go with him when he can’t respect what I say.
KEEP IN MIND THIS SITUATION HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH MY SISTER. SHE SHOULD HAVE MINDED HER OWN BUSINESS!
When I wanted to talk to her about how hurt I was she told me it wasn’t her business and she didn’t want to get into it, but when he’s hurt she always comes to his rescue.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No way should he be anywhere near your children. The questionable things he says to them are bad enough, but being unsafe in a car and refusing to do anything about it? That is a definite no, no, no. Bad luck if it’s hurting him.
He sounds like he has spent his whole life hurting other people and only caring about himself. Mate, meet the consequences of your actions. You look after yourself, tell your sister to butt out, and keep loving your children.” SympathyRepulsive957
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please protect your children from this kind of behavior.
Don’t allow exposure to homophobic, misogynistic, or sexist behavior because they will either be traumatized by it or they will believe that behavior to be appropriate. He was never a father to you in the first place. As an adult now you have the ability to choose your family.
DNA does not equal a loving family relationship for everyone. Surround yourself and your children with people who love, respect, support, and uplift you guys. As for your sister, she is allowed to make her own choices, and if that includes being a jerk protector and flying monkey that’s fine.
What isn’t fine is her trying to browbeat you into having a relationship with him as well. It’s okay to let go of something you love if it’s causing you pain. Please remember that your family is you, your kids, and any partner to you and EVERYONE else is extended family.
And extended family who is abusive and toxic can go screw themselves. Good luck OP!” Jovon35
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He signed his rights away when you were a child. That man is not your father. You also owe it to your children to keep them far away from him based on the ideals he’s trying to teach them not to mention his blatant neglect of your rules and their safety.
You also owe it to yourself to stop trying to force a relationship with a man that has hurt you time and time again and will continue to hurt you.” hillendan1983
6. AITJ For Being Upset That My Partner Tracks My Instagram Followers?
“I (23f) and my partner (30m) have been together for five years and are in a little spiff about this. He asked me today if I had been on my Finsta (my private Instagram page as opposed to my public one) more often lately.
I said yes because I have.
He then proceeds to tell me that he’s been keeping track of my followers for weeks and has even taken a screenshot to keep count.
I was upset by this. I said that it was a little controlling and weird to be keeping track of my followers.
He got defensive and said that it’s not weird. After some pressing, he tells me that he was insecure that I was maybe entertaining or flirting with someone else and that that was why he’d done it.
I told him that this shows a really really bad lack of trust and that I don’t appreciate it.
He said that he won’t do it anymore but that this makes him feel guarded about being honest with me about his feelings in the future and that my being defensive makes him uncomfortable like I have something to hide.
AITJ for being uncomfortable with this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner was sorta stalking you behind your back, confronted you about some real big leaps he made from info from said stalking, and then when you called him out on those red flags he doubled down and said he’ll just lie to you in the future.
None of that is acceptable from him. None of it feels like a first issue either, since your partner is so clearly the jerk, but you’re questioning yourself enough to post on here. You may want to think really hard about whether or not there have been other “little things” like this.
With that specific age gap and the timing of when it started, it’s very common for the older partner to be controlling, and to have gotten into the relationship because they struggled to find people their own age that would put up with their controlling behavior.
Also, it’s not surprising that he would be getting insecure. You’re hitting the age range, and presumably, the milestones, that he had/should have had but that you didn’t when you guys started seeing each other. Meanwhile, there aren’t that many milestones between 25 and 30. The playing field of your relationship is getting more even.
For a controlling partner, that’s panic time. And maybe he’s “just” insecure. But I would at minimum encourage therapy for him if this isn’t the first whiff of controlling behavior…especially since he flat-out told you he intends to lie to you in the future.
For me, that’s generally a dealbreaker, but it’s hard to end a 5-year relationship over one thing.” gamerdarling
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – So that means you were “barely legal” when this man started seeing you. Now I don’t know either of you – but just stop for a moment and think: Has he been controlling in other ways as well?
Some older men want to see young women to “control” them. They’ll gaslight the girl into believing that she is wrong when she questions something that doesn’t seem quite right. They want a girl who is young because they are insecure and need to “be in charge”.
And women their age knows what’s up and wouldn’t STAND for this treatment! And would immediately call them out on their nonsense! So ask yourself: “Are there other red flags I’ve been noticing??”” Southern_Hamster_338
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His behavior was inappropriate and he is being manipulative now to try and deflect attention from his poor behavior.
He did something wrong and you are right to be defensive about it. Is he controlling in terms of friends and life plans? Control isn’t always harsh, it can be a lot of “advice” because the other person is older, more mature, or whatever. The age gap doesn’t automatically mean this is a bad relationship but that with your ages when the relationship started is a concern.” Knittingfairy09113
5. AITJ For Feeling Neglected When My Family Missed My Birthday For My Brother's Surgery?
“I just turned 17 (guy) and I have an 18-year-old ftm brother. He is going through the steps of having bottom surgery and all the different treatments.
I don’t exactly know the names. My parents and he had to fly out to meet some doctors, and they had to go during my birthday. Because I am 17 they let me stay home alone. The problem was it was my birthday and I was really hoping to be with family.
I ended up blowing out candles alone on a crappy cookie and started crying. I felt so lonely and wanted to be with my family.
Lately, I have been put on the back burner because of my brother. They all got back 2 days later and all my brother could talk about was himself.
It was so frustrating for me. Even during my make-up birthday dinner, they talked about the trip. I got up after dinner and asked if we could talk about something else. I said I was upset they couldn’t celebrate on my actual birthday, and I told them this.
My parents said I was unbelievably selfish for saying this and my brother was hurt. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everyone saying YTJ or no jerks here doesn’t seem to understand that 3 adults left a teen (almost an adult) alone on his birthday. His brother could’ve gone alone, or taken one parent but nope.
To make it up to him they have a makeup dinner and then proceed to discuss the trip that he was excluded from. And when he brings up his feelings he’s being called selfish for wanting one day that’s for him.” Lucid126
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You admit that your brother has been waiting a long time for this. It IS hard to schedule those surgeries. So I understand that they didn’t have a lot of flexibility about it. I also understand that they are focused on what is happening with him and it is a big deal. I think that you should tell your family that you are happy for your brother and you understand that this is a big deal, but you are hurt because you feel neglected. Tell them what you told us.
Tell them that you are fine with the focus being on your brother for the most part, but it is not unreasonable that you want one day to be about you. They can do that much. I say no jerks here because I think that your family lost perspective, and by your own admission you understand why you have to wait for attention.
I think better communication is needed from everyone.” Ok_Double9430
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re being neglected while the focus is on your brother. Anyone with a sibling knows how much it hurts when their brother or sister takes precedence over them. You’re right to feel left out or hurt.
But what I would suggest is sitting down and having an honest and open conversation about how all of this is making you feel. It could be that your parents are so wrapped up in your brother’s treatments that they haven’t realized the impact it’s had on you.
Sometimes when we get hyper-focused or surrender to tunnel vision, everything else can seem like background noise. It’s possible your parents just need a reminder that you still exist and have feelings in this situation, even if you aren’t the primary focus of their attention at the moment.
I’m guessing they don’t realize they’re hurting you as much as they are. Talk to them.” LowImagination3028
4. AITJ For Not Inviting My Brother And His Wife To The Family Gathering After A Food Theft Accusation?
“At our last big family gathering (which included extended family) there was an argument between myself and my brother’s wife.
I was in charge of making up leftover plates for anyone to take home if they wanted. I gave John (my brother) and Lucy (his wife) 3 plates of food including the leftovers of the dishes they brought with them.
I gave them to John to put in his cooler in his car before they left. The next day, I got a call from Lucy asking if I gave my brother the food, which I said I did. She told me there was only one plate that was half empty instead of the 3 plates and 2 Tupperware boxes I had actually given my brother.
I was confused and said John took them off the counter so ask him.
Well, John told Lucy I had ‘refused’ to give them the extra food and kept it for myself. Lucy was not pleased by this and told everyone in our family that I had ‘stolen’ their food.
I maintained my innocence the entire time because this isn’t what happened.
If that was all it was, I wouldn’t have minded but Lucy took it way too personally. She began to insult my body and weight, saying I ‘didn’t need burgers and should have stolen the salad instead’, and said she doesn’t blame me for stealing because I’m so poor and work a dead-end job.
Lucy’s animosity didn’t stop for over a year, and she would always bring it up any chance she got.
I’m the one hosting this year and I have not invited John or Lucy. When they asked why they didn’t receive an invitation, I said ‘are you kidding?’ and hung up.
Not the most mature, but I was so shocked at their audacity to ask.
My brother texted me to suggest a sit down between myself and Lucy but I didn’t get the point of that since she will always think of me as a villain in this ridiculous story.
It was then that my brother confessed that he had eaten all the ‘missing’ food in the car and felt so embarrassed by it that he lied to Lucy about me refusing to give them the food. I was in awe. I knew he had lied but not the details or why he lied. I told him he’s a huge jerk here and he needs to come clean to Lucy now.
I guess he did because Lucy then called me, apologizing profusely. She said she had no reason to doubt my brother and she was already feeling left out and an outsider so she lashed out. I thanked her for her apology but said I didn’t forgive her – she said so many awful things to me over 2 missing plates of food.
I said they still weren’t invited to the gathering and that they were welcome to host their own (which I obviously wouldn’t attend). This made my brother really mad (they were on speaker together).
A few hours later I got some texts from our mum telling me to just ‘get over it’ and invite Lucy and John.
I just put my foot down and said if they show up, they won’t be let in my home.
The whole situation caused a rift in the family. Half are telling me I can’t not include my brother and the other half are saying Lucy is a mean person for her comments.
Lucy and John are still very mad.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I’m confused why you didn’t confront your brother much sooner. He is the worst jerk here. He caused it, watched the rift develop, and did nothing for a year. He has zero right to be angry with you.
HE owes the groveling apology, not just his wife. Equally, Sil has zero right to be angry with you. She should direct her anger where it belongs. At her husband. Stop discussing with the rest of your family. It’s none of their business. They can come to the event or not, but the discussion is CLOSED.” Super_Selection1522
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If Lucy had only been mad at you and commented on the “missing” food, that’s one thing. But she was cruel and insulted you personally which is unacceptable. It’s nice that she apologized about the food but what about all the abhorrent things she said about you?
Her feeling left out and lied to never excuses how she treated you. Your brother is a major jerk for not only lying to you and his wife but letting her continue to treat you that way for months. The only reason he finally confessed is because there was a consequence to him personally.
He doesn’t give a crap about you. And your mom is a piece of work too. She wants you to get over it? How much did she defend you and lay into her son and his wife over the last year for treating you this way?
I’m guessing not at all. Also, instead of making up leftover plates, I would just offer that anyone who brought over a dish can take those leftovers. They don’t need everything you’re providing, especially since your family is so quick to turn on you over something so trivial.” friendlily
Another User Comments:
“The true jerk in this scenario is your brother. If he hadn’t lied and owned up to be a gluttonous little piggy none of what followed would have happened. He lied about you and threw you under the bus. He lied to his wife and she said some very nasty and derogatory things about you which were uncalled for under any circumstances.
She has at least apologized for being hateful and hurtful. If you can’t move past it, you can’t. However, these traditional get-togethers die out because of incidents like this one. People don’t want don’t want to be around it. If you invite Anne, Bob, and Clare won’t come.
If you invite Diane and Ed, Frank won’t come. It’s a shame and it is all because of your brother, the big fat liar.” Peony-Pony
3. AITJ For Asking My Husband To Carry Me During A Hike?
“I went on a hike with my husband and a group of his friends.
On the way back I asked my husband to carry me the rest of the way. He was having a conversation with three of his friends when I asked but they went quiet after I interrupted. I told them they could keep talking and ignore me but one of the women told me their conversation was private and that I shouldn’t have come if I couldn’t handle it even though she and others had asked more than once if the group could take a break, so I was obviously not the only one struggling.
It was super awkward since she was obviously annoyed by me but also continued walking next to us. A few other spouses asked to be carried and it caused some arguments when they were told no, and she made a comment about how it was my fault.
My husband told her to stop and then made a joke about his friends being too weak to carry their spouses which caused some of them to try. This ended up slowing the whole group down and the woman kept making indirect comments blaming me for ruining the hike.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Whaaat?? Why are y’all doing hikes that are way beyond y’all? What’s with her comment about interrupting a private conversation? Seems to me ESH. Except for your husband. Unless he planned this hike. A person who planned this hike and convinced a load of novices (or not experienced enough) to attempt it was the jerk to everyone.” Bruiscear
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Some of these comments make me feel like I’m going crazy. It feels like people are ignoring 1. How rude this woman was being to you and 2. That SHE and others asked to take a break so clearly you weren’t the only one that “couldn’t handle it.” You asked to be carried, big whoop.
It’s not like you demanded to be and then threw a fit when he didn’t.” ncndsvlleTA
Another User Comments:
“Why is everyone acting like op demanded to be carried??? It was a yes or no question. Also who has a private conversation while walking in a group of people?
That’s ridiculous. If the husband said no and op said no you have to or else I’m gonna sit here or something like that, then they are the jerk. It’s not an issue to ask someone to do something without pressuring them. This should not have ruined the hike for the other wives it is something really silly to get upset about especially that your husband didn’t care.” humphrey_corn
2. AITJ For Wanting To Tell My Best Friend Her Engagement Ring Might Be Fake?
“My best friend recently got engaged to her partner of six years, she showed me the ring talking about how beautiful it is and how she loves the diamond, there is one small issue, I know that isn’t a diamond.
Honestly, pretty sure the ring itself isn’t even silver.
You may wonder how I know this, no I’m not able to tell if jewels are authentic at a glance, I’m a manager of a bookshop in our local shopping center and when I’m on my lunch break I like to wander about and check out the stalls there.
I recognized this exact ring from one of the jewelry stalls that sells costume jewelry, it has the same butterfly pattern on the side of the ring that made me recognize it in the first place.
Now, before anyone thinks otherwise, I don’t think it’s important for a ring to be expensive or authentic.
You can propose with a ring pop for all I care what matters is that your relationship is a good one but I dunno, the fact he has made her think this is a legit diamond? It doesn’t sit well with me…I don’t like that he is starting out their relationship with a lie especially as I know she wouldn’t have minded being proposed to with a cubic zirconia or whatever this is.
I don’t want to cause trouble between them but I also don’t like keeping silent about this when she’s clearly being deceived, WIBTJ in telling her?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ – You don’t know for sure it is a fake. BUT, someone will tell her.
If you don’t want her to be publicly embarrassed you have 2 options. 1. Tell her she should check her (or her parents’) homeowners/renters insurance to make sure it is covered and get a formal appraisal so that if anything happens, she will be covered. OR 2.
If you have the partner alone, let him know where you saw rings that look like the one he purchased. Also, let him know you don’t have any idea how to tell the difference between a CZ and a diamond, but there are lots of people who do have that skill, not just jewelers.
It is almost guaranteed that his partner has a close friend, co-worker or family member who can tell the difference by just looking at the ring on her finger, but if they can’t 100% tell by looking, all they have to do is breathe on it.
Perhaps be more diplomatic, but you can get the point across that if he tried to fool your friend with a fake, it will be found out soon.” Corpuscular_Ocelot
Another User Comments:
“Don’t go and say “your ring is fake and he got it at wherever”.
You don’t need to say anything at all. But if you do, compliment it first and don’t actually up and say it’s the same one that you saw elsewhere, just that you’ve seen more styles like that lately at a place by your work that sells pretty costume jewelry or promise rings and that it must be a style that’s gaining popularity Truth is it could be real. The amount of knockoffs that can be found of real jewelry at stalls like the one you’re talking about is crazy.
You could probably find five rings exactly like mine with differing qualities of materials in one decent-sized mall. (just something to heavily consider)” Hangnail_puller
Another User Comments:
“I understand why you are concerned for your friend – her fiancé may be lying to her.
And if it’s really a cheap ring, it will likely break and/or degrade quickly, being worn daily. Alternatively, she could actually know its value but not want to mention it. Or it could be a real diamond ring, and the one by your work is a knockoff.
You’re not doing this to be nosy but it could be upsetting for her or stir up unnecessary drama in her relationship. YWBTJ if you just straight up said to her “that’s fake.” You would not be a jerk if you asked her if she’s gotten it insured yet (implying a ring that beautiful and $$ deserves to be insured).
That will get you your answer or will prompt her to consider having it appraised, which means she’ll find out its true value on her own.” wolfholler
1. AITJ For Calling My Dad's Overly Affectionate Partner Creepy?
“I (16F) live with my dad (40M) and his new partner (35F), as my mother passed away at a young age.
(I didn’t really know my mom that well, so I don’t consider myself bitter over my dad moving on, adding this just in case anyone thinks so.)
My dad’s partner gets really clingy and obsessive over us, me in particular for some reason as she’s always breathing down my shoulder basically, calling me constantly to the point I have to shut my ringer off, texting to make sure I’m ‘safe’ despite me just being at a friend’s house, and I can go on and on.
She gets uncomfortably close to me at times, feeling up my hair (I’m a redhead, so I kinda.. am used to people touching my hair without my permission), throwing out any clothes she deems inappropriate (Basically my skirts.), grounding me for not giving her ‘daily hugs’, and much more.
She even sometimes tries to make me call her mom.
So safe to say, we’re not really close, well, a one-sided relationship where she thinks we’re close.
I kinda had enough of it eventually and I just snapped and called her creepy and obsessive, and to just stay away from me when she tried making me hug her and touch my hair.
Well, she told my dad and now I’m grounded until I apologize and ‘realize that she only wants the best for you.’
I haven’t apologized so far as I think I’m not in the wrong, but I’ve been feeling kinda bad as maybe that’s her way of showing affection?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she is being pushy and boundary stomping with her desire to instantly have a relationship with you. This is definitely a “her issue” and not a you issue. When talking with your dad (to keep the conversation from shutting down) focus on how you feel and avoid comments that could be insulting to her.
Things you could try in conversation with Dad: That you are happy he has someone in his life. You hope to build a relationship with her. But building a relationship takes time and her pushing is actually delaying this. That even if you grow to have a wonderful relationship with her and grow to truly love her she will never replace your mom.
Remind him that you are 16 and not 6 – some of the things his partner is wanting/pushing are no longer age-appropriate. If you have other female adults in your life let him know that you lean on them for wisdom in these areas.” FLKaren
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Whether or not she wants the best for you is, frankly, immaterial. She is touching on you without your permission. That is nasty. You have to just calmly tell her that you do not want anyone touching you or your property without your permission.
It is a violation of your privacy and property rights. You should tell them both this at the same time so she cannot misrepresent your words to your father. It is not a competition. She just needs to know that you are with your father and she is with your father and there is no parenting you expect or need from her.
Your father has done an admirable job for years already.” MonkeyMagic1968
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her violating your personal space, throwing out your property without your permission, and punishing you for not acquiescing to her demands for physical contact are concerning. Even if she is doing this out of some sort of misguided attempt to force herself into the role of new mom instead of for some more disconcerting reason, this behavior shouldn’t be tolerated. Your personal space and property are yours to enforce, not hers to do with as she pleases.
Have you talked to her or your dad about your problems with this before, or is this the first time you’ve voiced concern? If not, then you need to start doing it every time she does it. Not aggressively – you can definitely handle it better than you did this time going forward – but you should strictly yet politely enforce your boundaries.
Makes it harder for anyone to view her as being reasonable (which, to be clear; she isn’t). Also, why is your dad backing her instead of you? You’re his daughter, she’s just the partner. She’s a jerk for violating your personal bubble and property, but he’s a bigger jerk for letting it happen.
You need to sit your dad down and have a serious conversation about this.” Seraphim676
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