People Get Nervous In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Hang Out With My Sister's New Partner?
“So I (37F) live with my sister (35F) and my nephew (12M). I moved in with them 5 years ago.
My sister has had many difficulties in romantic relationships. I’m going to give a rundown of the major and recent ones.
1 In 2010, she met my nephew’s dad when she was babysitting for our older sister who was deployed. He convinced her to leave the house several months earlier than our older sister’s return. She moved in with him in another state. She left behind two cats and our sister had to scramble to find another friend to come.
2 She moved in with her next partner shortly after breaking up with my nephew’s dad. They ended up having terrible fights – in one of these, he destroyed some of my nephew’s possessions to “teach him a lesson”.
3 She got an apartment and started seeing someone again.
Within a few months, she and my nephew had moved in with him. He became controlling and authoritarian. His parenting techniques included “joking” about locking his nephew in a closet or making him sleep in the bathtub.
4 At this point, I moved here (from states away) and we got a house.
After a few months, she started seeing a guy. He turned out to be a heavy drinker, went to rehab 2 or 3 times and he relapsed. Had terrible fights that used to wake me up. He hit her one time I know of.
5/2 She then got back together with guy #2 on this list. He didn’t officially move in with us but didn’t have his place either.
He ended up breaking up with her this spring and she was devastated.
Fast forward to a week ago. I got a text saying that her friend was going to come over. It was a man I didn’t know, let’s call him Michael. She doesn’t introduce us, he doesn’t introduce himself.
I admit I was a little cold to him. He had a drink in his hand and seemed intoxicated. He stayed over that night.
I later learn that Michael is 23, lives in a camper at his mom’s 1 hour away, and doesn’t have reliable transport, and drinks.
They’ve been seeing each other for 2 weeks. I told my sister it was a bad idea and she called me a Karen and judgmental. I said I couldn’t control who she sees, but don’t want him at the house more than 1-2 nights/week. She said alright.
This week was Nephew’s birthday. We had plans for him this weekend. She texted me today that she wants to invite Michael. I reply I don’t want to spend time with him and get to know him unless they’ve been together for 4-6 months but that I would be friendly in passing.
She then texted me that they would be going without me. I said Okay.
Tonight, I hear and Nephew went to the local roller rink. When we arrive at the spot, guess who is there — Michael! I didn’t protest and tried to have a decent night.
Came time to leave, my sister “informed” me that Michael would be staying over for tonight and tomorrow. I requested that he come just tomorrow. It turned into a fight and several insults and harsh words were exchanged. She is beyond angry at me.
So am I the jerk for not wanting to hang out with my sister’s new partner?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say NTJ but conditionally. Your sister seems to make bad decisions but it’s her life to do so. You live with her and she needs to be able to invite her partner over even if you disapprove of him. So while I understand not liking his or her decision-making, you need to make an effort to establish peace in the house for everyone’s sake.
If a partner is dumb and intoxicated more trouble than he’s worth will come out. But don’t reject in advance, and don’t make your sister’s life harder than it needs to be.” Ruining_Ur_Synths
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to not live with your sister.
Sad about your nephew because the likelihood he grows up well adjusted with all the turmoil your sister is bringing into his life is slimmer than normal, but that is ultimately on her. Don’t blame you if you want to be near for his sake, but you have to get her out of your living situation.” Witty-Lead-4166
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister doesn’t sound very well grounded. I wouldn’t want some unknown man staying in my house for even one or two nights a week. As for the current love interest, it’s clear this one likely won’t last long unless this young man is a leech or needs a mom — or both.
I think you need to move out and take your nephew with you.” Realistic_Head4279
18. AITJ For Rescuing A Kitten From A Neglectful Friend And Then Cutting Her Off?
“Last year, I met a girl on Bumble BFF—let’s call her Lisa. We didn’t click, and I had a lot of stuff going on, so things didn’t go anywhere. The only thing we had in common was that we were from the same culture and both liked cats.
A few weeks later, she told me she found a tiny kitten on the street and decided to take him in. I’d get updates from her now and then, and everything seemed fine until about six months later when she started posting everywhere that he needed to go ASAP.
Her post was heartbreaking. She listed all these reasons why she couldn’t keep him—he was biting, aggressive, messing up the litter box, and destroying her stuff. She said the smell was unbearable, and with her chronic pain, she just couldn’t handle him anymore.
My heart went out to the little guy, so I decided to step in. I’ve rescued a lot of cats before, so I knew I could help.
I reached out to my best friend who works for a vet, and we made a plan to get the kitten out of there and into a foster home within a week.
We picked him up, and I let Lisa know he was safe and doing well. But when the vet checked him out, they found he was terrified of people and had some bruises, suggesting he might have been mistreated. I didn’t want to confront Lisa about it since the cat was out of that situation, so I just gave her vague updates.
That’s when things got weird. Lisa started asking for my friend’s contact info to get updates directly. I told her that wasn’t possible, but she wouldn’t drop it. She sent me a bunch of messages, saying it was “weird” that I wouldn’t let her talk to the person who had her cat now.
I blocked her, but she kept coming back, even using a burner number to try and get the vet’s info because she supposedly had a new kitten.
I’d had enough, so I finally told her off. I pointed out that if the first cat was her “baby,” she wouldn’t have been so desperate to get rid of him.
I also mentioned that the vet found signs of mistreatment, which explained his behavior. I told her she shouldn’t have any more pets until she got her life together. She got defensive, denying everything and blaming her family if anything happened when she wasn’t around.
I blocked her again and tried to move on.
Then things got even messier. My fiancé received a flirty message from someone, which he blocked, and then I got a DM from Lisa’s friend. It was a nasty message accusing me of being a “weird lady” for claiming Lisa, with her back issues, mistreated the cat.
The whole thing was just meant to insult and provoke me.
So here I am, wondering if I’m the bad guy in this situation. I was just trying to help the cat, and now it’s turned into this crazy drama with Lisa and her friend.
Thanks for reading and for any advice you can give.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, even if the vet never found signs of animal mistreatment, her messaging you (again someone she barely knows) for constant updates on a kitten she barely even had as a pet is weird on its own and she should’ve moved on when it was first taken away.
The animal mistreatment is cruel and unforgivable. You helped out a poor cat, you’re doing the right thing.” LobsterBoi420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did the right thing and her reaction? That is the reaction of someone with mental health issues. Tell her if they contact you one more time you will go to the police and file a report.
You have all the proof you need to prove what she has done. When I was doing rescue, I was the one sent in to liberate dogs left to starve and die of thirst chained to trees. I have no regrets over anything I did.
Just because you can doesn’t mean you deserve to have a pet.” Straight_Bother_7786
17. AITJ For Confronting My Friend About His Lack Of Respect And Responsibility?
“I recently fought with my friend Jake (fake name). Me, Jake and some other friends have been invited to my best friend’s birthday party a couple of months ago.
We all pitched in to buy her a present and I paid for everything in advance, and everyone else paid me later on. On the day of the party, Jake was sick and he couldn’t attend. That evening, while I was checking on him, he asked me if he could pay only half of what he owed me since he couldn’t come to the party.
I ran the problem past the others and, although some of them thought he should have paid his share anyway, I didn’t want to cause drama or ask the others to add a little more money to cover for Jake, so I let it be and paid for his half.
A couple of weeks later Jake still hasn’t paid me the other half he owes me. I was ready to let it go, even if it was frustrating, but some of my friends told me it wasn’t fair, so I reached out to him and asked him if we could meet.
We set a date, but on that day he didn’t show up and he didn’t even call or text me to give any explanation.
I was pretty mad, so I decided to drop it. Almost 2 weeks later, Jake messaged me, telling me he remembered he still owed me money, and asked if we could meet.
I told him that I didn’t even care about the money, but I was upset he just didn’t warn me that he wasn’t going to show last time we agreed to meet. I tell him it’s okay to meet.
He completely disregarded the part where I told him that I was mad.
I thought he wanted to apologize in person, but on that day he brought a friend along. I decided not to cause a scene in front of a stranger. He gave me the money and told me that now that the matter is settled, we’ll arrange for another day to hang out.
A couple of days later I messaged him (because I couldn’t believe that he would be that blunt) and told him the same things I told him in the last conversation we had (how I wasn’t happy with the way he acted). His response was along the lines of: “To be honest I don’t care, I don’t even know why we are still talking about it since the matter is settled, I’m sorry that you felt this way, but I don’t see where the problem is”
I told him that the matter was not settled because he never even acknowledged the problem, let alone apologize. The fact that I had to message him again to ask for an apology only made me more upset. It wasn’t about the money. If we had gone out and I had paid for him, I probably would have never asked for that money back, but this was a gift for someone who was supposedly his friend as well.
And after running after him for weeks he blew me out without a warning or so much as saying sorry?
So, am I wrong for telling him how I felt? Am I overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“Jake sounds like a pretty poor friend tbh. This event showed his true colors and I’m sure that can be a lesson and you can now take that and proceed how you want.
Some people are so oblivious to how their actions can make someone else feel.” Accomplished_Nose_39
Another User Comments:
“Honestly I wanna say that in the beginning NTJ. But you are just hurting yourself over and over again for nothing. Treat him how he treated you.
You mean nothing to him, your time, your feelings, and your mental well-being mean nothing to him. Write him off as a loss cause and blacklist him in your phone. When you see him, treat him as a total stranger/ or just ignore him.” Crazy_Past6259
Another User Comments:
“Overall, NTJ. If you have to demand an apology, even if you get it, it will be meaningless. I don’t think there’s any point in telling him again about how you feel about the owed money (which was only half of what he owed) his delays or him standing you up.
He knows how you feel and he doesn’t care. He won’t care even if you get a reluctant apology from him. Your anger with him is justified. You can see less of him, or even cut him off entirely. You should certainly never front him money for anything again.
But you might as well give up on the apology.” SavingsRhubarb8746
16. AITJ For Charging My Sister's Husband For Car Repairs And Calling Him An Arrogant Snob?
“I (32f) have been with my partner (34m) for almost 7 years now. My sister (34f) got married about a year ago to her long-term partner (36m).
Shortly after my sister got married she became pregnant with my little nephew. About 3 months after he was born, BIL asked my partner (who is a mechanic) to check his car.
He happily agreed, ordered new parts and it took about 3 hours to do the whole service and renew everything necessary. All went fine, they had fun chatting a bit and we agreed to meet for coffee the Sunday afterward.
On Saturday my sister called me to ask how much they owe to my partner for the work.
I told her I would ask and got back to them with a text saying that the total would be 150 EURO. For comparison, if BIL had gone to a car shop he would have paid around 900 EURO.
A few minutes later my sister called me, telling me that this amount was ridiculous and that Klaus was fuming as he expected not to pay anything (but the parts).
I’m super confused and tell her that the guys should talk directly to each other to figure this out.
So we hang up and I and my partner have time to get angry about their behavior. For the greater context, you need to know that my BIL always made it clear that he doesn’t like my partner.
Saying mean things about blue-collar clothes, family, hairstyle, music taste, etc. My sister always made sure to tell me about those comments forcing me to take sides, so I repeatedly asked her to stop this and accept that he is the man making me happy.
Anyway, my partner was willing to again swallow his pride, give up on the money, and talk like a normal family when visiting them and the baby the next day.
The next morning arrives and I’m texting my sister about what time we should come over.
She just replied: as long as this isn’t sorted out we should not visit them.
This is when I lost it and started to cry as I could not understand why I was being “punished” for this by not being allowed to see my little nephew who I love to death and was looking forward to seeing all week.
So my partner called BIL in my defense telling him that this is unacceptable and that they don’t have to get along but there is no need to be mean to me about this. BIL just laughed it off. Then my sister calls me and I, in my anger and frustration, tell her that she should know we don’t care about money but it’s unfair to expect everything for free because we are family when on any other occasion they don’t accept us being a couple.
I tell her she shouldn’t have let this get between me and her and, I admit it, called BIL an arrogant and snobbish jerk. Just when she started calling my live primitive I hung up and we have not spoken since.
As you can imagine there is quite a back story here but that would be too much for one post. So far, regarding this situation itself, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Bit confused though why you haven’t stood up for your partner in the past when your BIL has made remarks about your bf. Why did you let your sister keep telling you about those remarks, why you didn’t shut that down, why did you “take sides”?
If you weren’t actively defending your bf and putting boundaries in place then you *did* choose a side- your BIL’s.” SmaugTheHedgehog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sorry that you’ll miss out on your nephew, but at some point, this would happen as your sis and BIL are not respectful and decent to your BF.
You had to stand up to them. Your BIL is likely jealous, as snobby men often are of competent men.” Auntie-Mam69
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk. If your partner expected to get paid then he should have quoted a price up front. It’s a jerk move to ask for money after the fact, even when asked. He should have just quoted the price for the parts and have been done with it.
On the other hand, your sister and BIL should have asked for a price upfront and are jerks about paying. They asked for a price and were given one. Fine. Shut up and pay it. If they’d had a price in mind then they should have said “Is $75 enough?” Both of you need to learn to communicate.
It’s either a favor or it’s not and, if it’s not, then the price is agreed upon beforehand.” JJQuantum
15. AITJ For Not Inviting My Highschool Friends To My Birthday Trip?
“So, I (22M) just had my birthday last week and decided to treat myself to a week-long getaway in a beach house my grandma owns. It was something I’d been planning for a while, a peaceful break from the stress of university. I’m in my last year of university, and things have been hectic, I have 8 classes plus my thesis.
So to say that over the past few months, I’ve been so buried in assignments and exams is an understatement, It came to a point that I had to turn down a lot of hangout invitations from my friends (a group of four people I’ve been close with since the first year of high school, eight years ago), the problem is, they would always hangout in weekdays when I had class, so I progressively distanced myself from them even though we would still text.
I only have two groups of friends, them, and a six people group that I met in eighth grade and also have been best friends since, but this group tends to schedule around everybody’s free time, so we constantly hangout.
A few months ago, I noticed my high school friends started hanging out without even asking me if I could join.
I didn’t think much of it at first, I mean, I was genuinely busy. But then they started posting on social media about their outings, even at weekends, when I allowed myself to take breaks, tagging each other, and not even bothering to mention it to me.
I felt hurt, but I figured they assumed I was still too busy. When I asked one of them about it, they said they didn’t want to “bother” me since I was always studying and didn’t have time for them. That stung, but I didn’t say anything.
Fast forward to my birthday. I wanted to do something special for myself, so I asked my grandma if I could use her beach house since no one lived there. I asked my other group if they were free and they were, so I invited them, we went and I posted a picture of us on my story, captioned something like “birthday vibes with friends.”
That’s when the group chat blew up. They were asking why I didn’t invite them, initially playfully saying how we’ve always celebrated birthdays together (which was true for some time, except lately we weren’t even doing that, two of these friends had birthdays before mine and guess what, I wasn’t invited).
I just said that I didn’t know if they were busy or not, and especially with all the stress I’ve been under I didn’t want to spend a lot of time making plans. But they were upset, saying it was selfish of me not to include them when they’ve always been there for me.
Here’s where I might be the jerk: I told them that I didn’t feel included lately because they’ve been hanging out without me, and that maybe they didn’t care about spending time with me in the first place. They said I was being unfair, that I could’ve made time if I wanted to, and that they were just giving me space because they knew I was under stress.
Now, things are really tense between us, and I’m not sure if I overreacted or if they’re just being unreasonable. AITJ for not inviting them on my birthday trip and calling them out for excluding me?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re the one with the busy schedule so when you’re free, it’s on you to let your friends know.
You’re focused on school and that’s a good thing but it does get tiresome having someone constantly turn down your invitations. Also, your friends might feel like they’re bugging you to constantly be asking. Relationships are a two-way street and you changed it into a one-way (even temporarily and for good reasons) so for that reason YTJ.
If you and your friends have outgrown each other, that’s ok. ” Majestic_Register346
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here You can’t always say no to invites and then be butthurt that you’re not invited anymore. How many times do you expect people to put themselves out there only to be constantly rejected?
That said, they also can’t complain that you don’t invite them to your birthday when they’ve been not inviting you to anything for months. If these are friendships you genuinely want to keep, then you need to make a bit of effort. Everyone is busy but people still make time for the things that are important to them.
If you can’t be bothered to do that, then let these friendships go.” Cursd818
Another User Comments:
“Well, this is a toughie. I get both sides of this. You were legitimately busy, so you couldn’t hang out. The university is packed like crazy. Plus is there any point in inviting someone who says no every time? You felt snubbed because they didn’t invite you out.
However, how were they supposed to know you were free this time? Were they supposed to just magically know or memorize your schedule even though every time the answer was the same? You didn’t invite them because you weren’t invited before. That’s reasonable. However, sometimes you have to suck it up and reach out first. You gotta let people know you’re available. YTJ.” Embarrassed_Ad7740
14. AITJ For Confronting My Friend Who Shared My Personal Issues With My Mom?
“I (34F) have this female friend group who are all married, we’ve been friends for more than 10 years and I was the last one to get married.
So when we met for a girl’s night out last June, we told stories about married life, etc. Since I trusted them, I vented about financial problems at home.
I wasn’t asking for money or help or anything. We were okay. I just needed to talk to someone so I could get it off my chest, TRUSTING that my story would only stay within our friend group.
Today, one of my friends from the said group, let’s call her Frenny (34F), met my mother at a certain event.
And for some reason, Frenny decided it was a good idea to tell my mom about our financial situation, which again I shared with her thinking she was going to keep it to herself.
I found out because my mother went over to my house to give me a lecture about telling others about my private life, and how I should be careful about who I tell my problems to because they might think and say negative things about me and my husband and blah blah blah.
My mother has always been very concerned about the public image of our family. She then proceeded to give me money because she thought we were in a financial crisis. I think she was more angry because instead of telling her, I told my problems to my friends.
However, as I said, I wasn’t asking for help. I was just venting (apparently to the wrong people).
I managed to keep my poker face, apologized to my mom, and brushed it off saying it was just a fun conversation between friends. But inside, I felt angry, hurt, and betrayed.
I confronted Frenny through chat, asking why she would tell my mother about something I told her and our other friends in CONFIDENCE. I told her that if she was going to tell my mother everything we talked about, then thank you for the friendship but I didn’t need it.
Franny replied that if I thought of her as a friend, then I should know that she meant no harm and that she was just concerned about what people would think about me and my family.
I feel gaslighted. She didn’t even apologize.
She thought I was angry at her because my mom got mad at me.
I don’t care what my mom says to me. The point is, SHE BETRAYED MY TRUST. It was not her place to get involved in my family business, no matter how close friends we are. If I wanted to tell my mom, I would have talked to her instead.
If I needed money, I would have asked for it. But I just needed a friend to talk to. Lesson learned, time doesn’t measure friendship.
When I confronted Frenny, she called my mom and asked what she said to me because I got angry at her.
A few minutes after my conversation with Frenny, my mom sent me a message saying I shouldn’t be mad at Frenny because she was only concerned about me and had good intentions.
Am I the jerk for confronting her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you should be mad at Frenny and ignore whatever your mom is telling you last – she berated you at first for sharing family stuff with judgemental people and that’s what Frenny turned out to be.
You should message your mom saying that thanks to your conversation with her (your mom) you are now excruciatingly aware that Frenny is not a trustworthy person and not your friend. If your mom wants to continue her relationship with Frenny (they are thick as thieves now) that’s up to her, but you don’t want anything to do with her.
Send a similar message in the group chat mentioning that you are no longer comfortable communicating whatever with Frenny since she has shown she is indiscreet with the information shared in confidence in a circle of friends. You don’t trust she would not do this again since she hasn’t even tried to apologize and has instead attempted to involve your mom in a problem that is just between you two’s relationship.
Which is now over. Up to you if you want to leave the friend’s group or start communicating with people just in DMs.” stealing
Another User Comments:
“I’d make a group chat with all the ladies who were venting that night, and let them know that Frenny has taken it upon herself to share that information with others, just an FYI ladies, in case you don’t want that information shared, a heads up that it could be.
Also let them know you won’t be sharing any information with Frenny any longer since she can’t be trusted to keep it to herself and since she has become a self-appointed family relationship expert. Sometimes holding the mirror up to people like that is the only way to get them to see the error in their ways.
And sometimes even that doesn’t work, unfortunately. NTJ.” One_Winged_Dove
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Frenny is not your friend. A “friend” of mine told me to contact my during my difficult separation and divorce. I just said that I don’t have a supportive family.
She went around me to my ex and contacted them. My parents and siblings helped my ex kidnap our children to get them out of state. I didn’t even bother to confront her. I just cut her off. I’m sure she would have responded how Frenny responded to you – no accountability.
My parents have since passed but my ex and siblings continue the parental alienation. Now, I know not to tell anybody anything and expect it to be confidential. And, I absolutely will never be in another relationship. Not worth it. Some people are truly monsters.” SnoopyisCute
13. AITJ For Being Angry At My Dad's Expensive Gifts To His Wife While Asking Me For Money?
‘For some context, I am a 21 (almost 22) year-old man.
My dad is 51 and his wife, who I will refer to as Debbie (fake name for privacy’s sake), is 58.
I grew up pretty poor until my biological mother passed away from cancer in September 2018, when I was 15 years old. She and my dad had still been married at the time, and I was very close with my mother, so it hit the family hard.
Well— most of us.
To sum up, Dad met Debbie on a social app in December 2018. Dad proposed to Debbie in June 2019, and they were married in December 2019.
Without my mom’s medical bills, my dad is now pretty well-off with a good-paying job (over 100k/year), and he and Debbie have a lot saved up from insurance and an inheritance from my mom and a relative of Debbie’s.
Meanwhile, I’ve been working any job I can get to keep up with car repair bills, plus paying for all my items since I refuse to ask my dad for money unless I have no other option. I plan to go no contact as soon as I’m able to move out.
My dad, however, complains a lot about being short on money, and insists I— a university student who has been struggling to find work and lost all my savings to fix my car and pay for my gender transition— pay him since he’s “put food on the table and a roof over my head all these years.” Then recently, he brought up that he was surprising Debbie with tickets to see the musical Hamilton live for her birthday this year, and plans to take her on a European cruise in December for their 5th anniversary.
Here’s where I may be the jerk. I got angry when I heard his plans and said how it feels kinda weird to one minute have him complain to me and my sibling (24 nb) about not having enough money and have us pay him for things, and the next brag about the expensive gifts and trips he gets for his wife.
He got angry back and said it’s because they work hard and save their money (out of the two of them, he’s the only one with a job) and that it’s his decision what they spend that money on. He also called me entitled because I still rely on him for a lot right now, and do make use of the nice things he and Debbie buy for the household, like the pool and streaming services.
I’m honestly conflicted about this. Every time they bring up their trips or expensive gifts for each other, I just boil inside. Maybe I am taking advantage of them taking care of me but sometimes it just feels so… weird. There’s no other word I can think of to describe it.
They haven’t even mentioned Hamilton since I criticized my dad about it, and Debbie has been cold and touchy since then. My sibling also sided with my dad and told me I was just irresponsible. I know I’m useless on my own right now since everything is so expensive.
Maybe I should be more grateful.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Your post is all over the place. One minute, you grew up poor. The next minute, you have an inheritance from your mom. There’s a lot you’ve written that doesn’t make sense or is not trustworthy, to say the least. I’d recommend you stop worrying about what your dad is doing with his money.
As an adult, focus on yourself. Your feeling of rage over them going on vacation is concerning. YTJ” DaxxyDreams
Another User Comments:
“You are getting a lot of flak in the comments. Not sure why. LOL IMHO, what you need to do is no longer listen to your father when he complains about money.
Leave the room, whatever, just stop taking it on board, stop letting him make you feel like he’s depriving himself of you – they have money, so the complaints are just that, complaints. Do your best and move forward with becoming independent. Don’t waste your energy thinking about your father’s finances, worry about yours.
Keep as much of your money as you can, and contribute an absolute minimum to the household so that you can save up. NTJ” hadMcDofordinner
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad is being hypocritical and no parent should ever be expected to be paid back for or congratulated for providing food and shelter for their children.
I’m kind of shocked at all the YTJ comments – he has every right to spend his money on what he wants and to charge you as a now adult for things, but not to complain and moan about not having money and bringing up the money he spent as a parent on you as some kind of loan in a sense” magick
12. AITJ For Getting Upset When My Brother-In-Law Didn't Order Food For Us?
“My husband and I have seen my brother-in-law (BIL) and his family (his new partner and 2 girls from 2 previous relationships) approximately once every 2-3 months for the last 2 years (before that we lived very far away). We don’t have any kids, and each family earns almost the same.
Sometimes we meet at their home, and we always bring something (food or dessert, and also a gift for their daughters).
When we go to restaurants, my husband has paid for the meal for all 6 of us on 5 occasions. Once, all the family put their orders in a McDonald’s vending machine for my husband to pay for everything by credit card, and I considered that very rude…My BIL paid only once, but it was a very awkward situation and in the end, he did it reluctantly.
When we go out and it is only a drink, it is my husband again who always pays.
Every time we see the girls, we bring something for them (cologne, make-up kits, books, plushies, art crafts… ). Also, we have taken the girls to musicals twice, with dinner and snacks included.
Finally, this week we have seen each other twice since we are all on vacation. We went to a restaurant one day and my BIL ordered everything he wanted and my husband paid for everything. My BIL on the way out said that he could have paid, as he doesn’t care about money.
The next day, we met in the afternoon and my BIL mentioned that we should go to a rather expensive restaurant, and we told him that it would be no problem if he paid for it since we had already used up our vacation budget.
Upon hearing this, they started to suggest having dinner at home or going out for a drink.
But, since the girls were in the mood to party, we ended up at a Mexican place. My BIL suggested ordering something to share. While he was ordering, my husband was in the bathroom and I was talking to the girls.
Finally, some nachos arrived, for the 6 of us to share. Then, 4 tacos arrived, which he put aside on his side of the table, and gave one to his partner, one to each girl, and one for himself. He hadn’t ordered anything for us.
My husband and I started to feel uncomfortable.
As we were leaving, I said that I had eaten a lot (the irony in my tone was noticeable) and my BIL’s partner took it the wrong way. My husband interceded saying that I had eaten a lot throughout the day, and that was what I meant.
Seeing that the situation was not going to improve, we each went home.
Now, I’m not sure how I should have handled that situation. My husband is kind of angry at me because my attitude could harm his relationship with his brother. For me, it was a huge disrespect that he didn’t order food for us after we had almost always paid and behaved very well with his daughters on every occasion.
I told him that if he wanted, I would ask his brother for forgiveness. Even so, I believe that the relationship is not healthy and I can no longer look the other way.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for your reaction to him not ordering you any food, as you have never put him or his family in a situation where they have gone without and you have eaten right in front of them.
However what is a bit jerk-ish, is you completely blaming your BIL for not paying, your husband isn’t obliged to pay on every occasion and can state he is only happy to pay his fair share. While it isn’t fair people have taken advantage of his generosity, that does not give you a reason to expect something back if your husband hasn’t expressed having a problem with paying before.” No_Gear_2401
Another User Comments:
“YTJ You waited till after the meal to say something passive-aggressive. Why not order food during the meal such as when the tacos arrived, or ask for something if you wanted to order a plate? No, I don’t think you need to apologize to the brother-in-law.
But it almost seems like perhaps he does not have the money to eat out. It’s a strange situation. ” Having-hope3594
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. You and your husband should consider not being the money machine. Stop bringing presents for the girls unless it’s a birthday or gift-giving holiday.
Have a discussion ahead of time with BIL about meals and budget. BIL may be a mooch, may assume you have so much money it’s no hardship for you to pay, or may have a tight budget that can’t afford to reciprocate. The only way to find out is to talk to him.
It might be best if your husband speaks alone with his brother. Even if their budget is tight, they could offer some home-cooked meals in return for you treating them to a restaurant meal.” Holiday_Trainer_2657
11. AITJ For Moving Out And Refusing To Financially Support My Sister And Mom?
“Other than college I have lived with my parents.
My dad passed away and she has his insurance money and retirement to live off of.
I have a 2-3 hour commute to this job I got last year. It’s draining. On top of that, my sister had a baby about a year ago and I am repeatedly asked either by my mom or her to pick up things like diapers or food for the family on my way home.
My sister works a retail job right by our home but for some reason picking up things for a child that’s not mine has been falling on me and my sister or mom never pays me back.
I met a woman at my job so I have known her for a year.
We’ve been together for 6 months and I have stayed at her place in the city almost 2-3 nights a week now. It’s 5 minutes from my work. She told me her lease is up at the end of September and since I stay with her so often we decided to get an apartment in the city together and found one about 3 minutes from my job.
I could walk or bike if I wanted and no more than 3 hours of commuting on a Friday night.
I told my mom and sister I was moving out. My sister flips out on me saying how can I do this to her when she can barely afford to take care of mom and the baby.
I told her mom has dad’s death benefits and mom gives her money so it’s the other way around, mom takes care of you and the baby. Then I’m expected to take care of everyone else. My sister started crying calling me selfish and she didn’t know how she would do this.
I told her I’m not your baby’s father and if you are having such financial problems you need to get child support. She told me that she doesn’t want a father in her life. I told her that maybe she should have thought about that before she was with him.
I told her that this situation is all yours and his fault.
My sister threw a fit yelling and screaming at me. My mom said I was wrong and I need to apologize and I need to make a plan for the bills going forward.
My mom acts like I should still be financially supporting them when I move and I said no. My mom acted like I shouldn’t move into this apartment with a woman I had been with for only six months and I asked her why my sister had a whole child with a man she hardly knew and no one said anything to her.
My mom became angry with me and I packed some of my stuff and the more expensive things like the TV, computer, and X-Box and asked a friend to move them right now. I stayed with him that night and am moving in with my partner ASAP now because of my mom and sister.
My mom and family act like I’m the bad guy for how I spoke to my widow mother and my single mom sister because they spin the story that they can’t afford everyday things without me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Congratulations on finally cutting the ties that bind you unfairly and moving on with YOUR life.
You are not responsible for your sister or your mom. It’s nice to help them out but enough is enough. If you limit contact and that’s not enough to lower the stress and toxicity, you may have to go to NC. Your sister doesn’t want the baby’s father to be in her life but child support isn’t for her, it’s for her child.
It will help pay for the roof over their heads, food, baby supplies, and the future, like school and college.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ and any family members who think that you’re the “bad guy” are welcome to support your mother and your irresponsible sister!
Question: Why on earth did your sister become pregnant by a man whom she doesn’t want in her life or that of her child?? If he isn’t good enough to be a husband to her and a father to their child, why did she think he was good enough to be in the first place?!” Royal-House-5478
10. AITJ For Convincing My Pregnant Sister To Change Her Baby's Name?
“My sister (19f) announced to the family that she and her partner were expecting a few months ago.
She immediately followed it up with the names she’d chosen: Tyler if it was a boy (after the father), or Savery if it was a girl (pronounced “savory”). She liked the name Avery but wanted to make it unique, hence the extra letter. This is a terrible name for a baby, and I politely asked if they were considering any other names.
She said no, that they’d already decided. My sister and I weren’t close, so I decided to let it be and congratulated her.
A while later, my sister announced that they were definitely having a girl and that little Savery was healthy so far. At this point, I’d decided to become more involved with my sister, since this was going to be my first niece or nephew.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about the poor kid getting teased for her name.
My sister has untreated BPD and any direct challenge to her decisions always escalates into a huge blowout, so I had to play my cards carefully. I got her a specific baby name book from my mom, the very same book our mom had gotten both of our names from.
She loved this gift and we spent all night eating snacks and going through it. That night, I opened up about my concerns about the name she’d chosen and the bullying that might come from it, which she was receptive to because we’d both been bullied in school.
Over the next few weeks, I said things like, “Oh, this would be a cute name” or “I saw the coolest list of names on Pinterest.” My sister loved some of the names and finally, after all of that, she announced that she had settled on the name “Margo” instead, taken from the baby name book.
I was overjoyed at having saved my niece from a life of being named the way someone would describe a steak.
Shortly afterward I got a text from my sister’s partner, who I didn’t know at all because he was never home when I was there, calling me all sorts of terrible things for getting involved in his family.
I asked what he was talking about and he continued to cuss me out because he chose the name Savery and I had no right to change it. I pointed out that I was only interested in the well-being of my niece and that my sister was my family, so I had a right to an opinion.
This man had the nerve to tell me that I was an idiot and that I didn’t know anything about family since I was still single despite being older than both of them. I pointed out that I wasn’t the dumbest one in the conversation, since I didn’t try to name my daughter after a literal piece of meat.
Now my sister is angry at me for getting involved and calling her partner stupid, even though he said much more hurtful things in his texts to me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A girl named Savory will get some double takes and a few jokes, but when the teenage years arrive and beyond, she is going to get harassed over it.
You’ve done all you can within the bounds of reason. You probably won’t have all that much of a relationship with the niece now. That’s more painful than usual because this poor kid is going to have poor parents.” Scenarios
Another User Comments:
“This reminds me of that lady who warned her sister not to name her daughter Charlotte because it was too close to Harlot.
Sister ran with it anyway and when it finally hit her after the baby was born she got mad at the sister again but this time for not trying hard enough to convince her to change the name.” AnxietyQueeeeen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Savory is an herb used on salty/savory dishes.
Using Savery is a r/tragedeigh and makes their child sound like a sausage. You may have saved her from a lifetime of bullying or harassment. “No wonder your name is Savery, you’re quite a dish,” etc. The partner is showing a huge lack of class/basic manners by cussing you out rather than discussing things rationally.
I question why your sister would want to have a baby with someone like that, but that’s a different issue.” BookLuvr7
9. AITJ For Being Annoyed At My Friend For Not Returning Borrowed Clothes And Then Offering Compensation?
“I (29F) lent my friend & her partner outfits to wear to an Indian wedding.
For context: I am white, my husband is Indian & we had outfits from a previous Indian wedding, probably around $200 per outfit. I had no problem letting her borrow them for the event. Fast forward about 4 months: I haven’t seen or heard from this friend.
To be honest, didn’t think twice about her having the clothes, since we live in the US and don’t wear Indian formal wear frequently lol. At this point, my husband and I are going to India for a few weeks & we have a formal event where we would love to wear the outfits.
We are packing for our trip, and can’t find them & we then realize a friend has them and never reached out to return them. I contacted Friend and she responded frantically, saying she felt bad but she wouldn’t have time to meet up before our trip.
Oh well, my husband and I use it as an excuse to buy stuff while we are there.
When we came back home, a few months passed, & we made some attempts to meet up with Friend (both in group and 1 1 settings). Each time she does not come.
Finally, I explicitly asked when she would return the outfits. She says she is happy to just ship them to me. At this point, I’m annoyed that she can’t sacrifice a few hours of her day to meet up and spend time together. I respond if that’s what’s easiest for her, then sure.
Fast forward weeks, haven’t heard from Friend, and haven’t received anything.
Now, out of precedent, I decided that I shouldn’t be the one who has to pester her to return the clothes that I’ve lent her. I’d rather just be done with it & accept that I’m not going to be getting the clothes back & the friendship seems as good as done.
A few weeks later, I invited a group over, and she was in that group chat. Perfect opportunity for her to hang out, and return the clothes. Everyone else in the chat responds that they’re coming, she is radio silent. Finally, on the day of the event, my husband explicitly texts her on the side asking if she will be coming & reminds her that she still has our clothes.
She responds one hour before the event that she will be there. I am MORE annoyed at this point that she decided to come only when she was explicitly reminded that she still needs to return the clothes. I reached out to her & told her I was quite frankly annoyed that she decided to come so last minute & it seemed like she was only doing so because she was called out.
She was shocked at my response, and when she finally came over she returned my clothes and gave me a $100 gift card with a thank you note.
This final act annoyed me the most because it weirdly felt like hush money. Like, take 100$, absolve me from all blame for how I handled this situation.
All in all, I might be the jerk for being petty and waiting for her to reach out & return my clothes, & then getting annoyed when she gave me money to make amends. What do you think, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Is there more context to why it took her so long to give them to you?
It doesn’t make sense she would hold onto them for so long just to return them in good condition and with a $100 GC. I was expecting the end to say she completely ruined the clothes, that’s why she was dodging you and she thought $100 would cover the costs.” Btching93
Another User Comments:
“I’m mostly just confused about why it took her so long – I genuinely thought she was avoiding you because she ruined the clothes by accident or something. I don’t think the $100 is meant to be hush money or anything like that – I think she is trying to apologize and make it up to you for having to buy new clothes for the event in India.
So yeah I kind of do think YTJ here. It seems like something might be going on in her personal life to make her so unavailable, and you’re just looking at it as her avoiding or inconveniencing you.” ThePhilV
8. AITJ For Refusing To Attend My Uncle's Wedding After Years Of Family Neglect?
“I (19 F) haven’t had a good relationship with my mother’s side of the family for 6 years. When I was 12 going on thirteen my mother lost custody of me and my older half-sister due to neglect and allowing her partner at the time to “make passes” at my older sister (who wasn’t even 16 at the time) and mistreated me physically.
He would leave bruises and welts all over me for the smallest things. For instance, during one summer when I was 11, I asked to go over to the neighbor’s house to play in their small pool. I was told yes at the time, but when I went back home I was punished for getting wet “without permission” when I had previously asked. I was beaten with a paddle and was almost hit with a dresser drawer that was thrown at me.
My sister and I were in and out of the system and had several open cases.
When I was thirteen my biological father got custody of me. My mother didn’t attempt to fight for me or defend herself in court. My grandparents, who I had thought loved me, seemed ecstatic that I was leaving and rushed to get custody of my sister now that I was out of the picture.
I found out later that my grandmother had called me “a lot of work” and my grandfather made me out to be a manipulative liar.
In the six years that I have been away from them, they haven’t attempted to keep in contact with me at all.
My mother will send me money if I ask, but she’s never paid official child support like she was supposed to. None of them even asked about my high school graduation.
Almost a year ago, my sister told me about how my uncle was getting married this November.
Recently my mother texted me and mentioned coming up with a way to get me to the wedding. I live in Mississippi and the wedding is in Indiana. I told her I didn’t want to go because I hadn’t spoken to any of them in a long time and it would be awkward to have me there now.
No one knows anything about the bride’s personality either. Every time I ask what she’s like I’m told she seems nice, but that’s all anyone can say about her.
I don’t have the money for a plane ticket, or a car to drive up there either.
My mom suggested that my grandpa could come get me, but I’d rather not ride 11 hours in the car with a man who called me manipulative when I was 13.
My sister texted me last week and we ended up getting into an argument about the wedding.
She said I was going to the wedding whether she had to drag me there herself. I told her that I was 19 and wasn’t going anywhere I didn’t want to. She proceeded to tell me that family should be there for one another and that I was being selfish.
I asked her where she had been all these years (she’s 21). She made excuses saying that everyone had a lot going on. She also told me that she wasn’t even doing this for me but for my uncle and told me not to call or text her again.
I blocked but now I’m wondering if I’m the jerk for this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ why would you go?? They are probably worried people will ask where you are. They can’t just say we abandoned her years ago. Too embarrassing to prove they are all bad family.
Don’t go. If they block you why care at this point.” Proof_Crazy_6632
Another User Comments:
“What I am not getting is your relationship with your sister OP. How is she thinking about her side of the family? Wasn’t she mistreated too? Was she sad about being separated from you and kept up communication?
I am asking because the only reason I‘d ever see for you to be there would be to stand by and support your sister in the toxic environment she seemingly seems to still live in… however, I didn’t understand that part of the story.
Please reiterate.” S0ulDr4ke
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You aren’t close to your uncle and haven’t heard from him in years. Somehow putting you in the wedding as a bridesmaid or the like seems like an attempt at displaying a non-existent family closeness. You’re a grown woman and thus have the right to say “no.” Your sister is just two years older than you and has NO business trying to play authority figures.
Do consider the likelihood of her trying to physically force you to go to the wedding. If that seems unlikely, block her and get done with it. Block anybody who decides to play Flying Monkey. I admit I’m not sure about the distance between Mississippi and Indiana, but I do know interstate travel can be difficult.
If you can’t drive or fly to the wedding, then all the hysteria in the world can’t get you there. Tell Big Bully Sis that if she wants you there so badly, she will have to pay for both ways of the trip. Hopefully, that will shut her up.” Architeuthis81
7. AITJ For Trying To Coordinate My Dress With The Bridesmaids' For My Partner's Brother's Wedding?
“My partner’s (Bob) brother (Peter) is getting married in a couple of months. Recently, Peter casually mentioned to me that his fiancé (Lana) would need my help. “Kind of as a bridesmaid”. I was happy to help out and agreed immediately.
Later that night, I was talking to Bob’s parents over the phone and Bob’s mom asked me if I would be buying a dress beforehand or where the wedding would be held.
I mentioned that I was planning to get a semi-formal dress for a friend’s wedding that I could also wear to Peter and Lana’s wedding. Then it hit me that since I would be the bridesmaid, maybe it would make sense for me to coordinate with the maid of honor in terms of color.
Bob’s mom agreed that it would look better for the photos and told me to speak to Lana directly.
That night, I messaged Lana and she agreed about matching colors but they hadn’t found a dress for the maid of honor yet. I told her I would wait for them to let me know the color and if the timing was tight, I’d buy my dress first. Later, Lana found a bridesmaid dress online and asked for my opinion.
To be honest it was a bit tacky because it had a huge bow on the front and puffy princess sleeves but in the listing online, the dress came with different necklines so I told her that I liked the dress and the color but I might choose a different neckline.
I saw a few options suggested below the listing and sent a couple to her.
When I told Bob about the dress discussion, he mentioned it to Peter who immediately became extremely angry and said that “we had gotten it all wrong” and that the bridesmaid and maid of honor wear different dresses.
Confused and wanting to avoid misunderstandings, I immediately messaged Lana explaining my intention of wanting to coordinate colors so I don’t stand out in the photos, explaining why I suddenly thought of getting a dress and explaining that I only sent the other options as a suggestion for her and her maid of honor to look at since they hadn’t found a dress yet and not because I wanted to shop around for dresses.
The next day, I received a single message back from Lana saying that Peter said that the bride should be the fanciest and second the maid of honor and last would be the bridesmaids…with no response to any of my other messages.
I felt wronged and accused of trying to steal the spotlight so I called her to clarify.
She asked to see where I was planning on getting my dress from so I sent her the website of a local boutique that sold dresses specifically listed “Wedding Guest dresses” and she said the dresses were too inappropriate and revealing for her wedding. She also mentioned that her wedding dress is plain so if I pick the “fancy” dress then she would have to pick something more eye-catching for her maid of honor.
In the end, I reassured her that if she was sure about having me as a bridesmaid, then I would happily wear whatever dress she prepared.”
Another User Comments:
“Holy cow, if you all would just talk to each other and lay down what the expectations are and aren’t all of this would be avoided!
Pete asked you to be a “kind of bridesmaid” Their mother asked about your dress but not that you were at the wedding You asked the bride and thought it was all settled, then Pete declared the pecking order of fancy dresses for a wedding.
Yowza!! Call Lana, talk to her, and ask her specifically if you are a bridesmaid. If you are – she gets the say on the dress. If you aren’t – you can wear any dress you want so long as it isn’t white. Everyone’s a jerk here!” Chilling_Storm
Another User Comments:
“The communication here is horrible. If Lana wanted you to be a bridesmaid, she should have formally asked. I don’t think you are wrong for looking at dresses but you assumed you’d be a bridesmaid (Because even the mom asked if you were buying a dress in advance which is odd because if you were a bridesmaid, the dress would be picked out for you).
Lana then asked you where you planned on getting your dress from, which says to me you aren’t a bridesmaid because why would you have to get your dress separate when she was just showing you bridesmaid dresses? I think you and Lana need to talk about what’s going on here.” WickedAngelLove
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk. Make it clear now that you will not be in the wedding party so there is no expectation that you will be buying another dress for that wedding. They didn’t formally ask you to be part of the wedding but they are making it look like you are trying to outshine everyone.
Shut that down asap and make it clear that you will be attending as your partner’s plus one if needed and nothing more.” SnooBunnies7461
6. AITJ For Refusing To Cancel My Camping Trip With My Sons To Help My Stepdaughter Move To College?
“My wife (41F) and I (43M) have been married for 6 years. We both have kids from previous relationships.
I have 2 sons (14 & 12). I split custody with my ex-wife. My wife has 2 daughters (18 & 15). She has primary custody of them because her ex is in the military. He is currently deployed in Europe. My oldest stepdaughter is going to college out of state this fall.
My wife’s ex was hoping to be able to come home to help move her to school, but that isn’t going to work.
The weekend that my stepdaughter is supposed to move in is the last extended time I am going to have with my sons before school starts up again.
I have planned a small camping trip for the 3 of us to get some good bonding in.
When my wife’s ex told her that he wasn’t going to make it home to help with the move, my wife asked if I would be willing to come with her on the 7-hour drive to her stepdaughter’s college.
She doesn’t feel comfortable making that drive all by herself and doesn’t have anyone else to ask. I reminded her that I was taking my sons camping that weekend. She suggested that we instead turn it into a family road trip. I told her that kind of defeats the purpose of the camping trip, which was to spend time with just my sons and to relax.
Even if we find things to do on the drive, that’s still just hours and hours spent in a car instead of doing what we had originally planned. My wife argues that I can always plan another camping trip with my sons, but that my stepdaughter only moves away for college once.
She said that since it’s such a big life event for her stepdaughter, I should come with her to show that I support her because she feels bad her dad can’t make it.
I told her that I was not going to ask my sons to sacrifice something they’d been looking forward to in exchange for making my stepdaughter feel better about her dad missing out.
I said that my sons are reaching an age where they probably aren’t going to want to spend weekends alone with their dad out in the woods much anymore and I want to take advantage of that while I still can.
My wife got upset with me and told me that I was playing favorites with my kids over hers.
I told her that it’s not my fault her ex can’t make it and if she wants to be mad at someone, she can complain to the US military. She told me she knows it’s not my fault, but I am in a position to help be a father figure when my stepdaughter needs one.
She asked if I would at least talk to my sons about the road trip idea, but I told her I wouldn’t do that.
I suggested she ask a friend to come with her but she said that’s not the point. To her, the point is that since her ex can’t make it, I am next in line as a father figure to help her stepdaughter with this transition.
I do feel bad that her dad can’t make it, but that’s out of my control and I don’t want to sacrifice quality time with my sons for this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You each had your trip planned with your kids, they are equally important.
You and your boys shouldn’t have to cancel yours just because SD’s dad can’t come. An adult with a driver’s license should be capable of making a 7-hour drive by themselves, and your wife only has to do it once because SD will be with her on the way there.
Presumably, she will also have the younger daughter for company on each leg. If she truly can’t handle it, break up the drive back over two days rent a car for the way there, and fly home, or invite a friend or relative to come who doesn’t already have a camping trip planned. It just seems she has so many options other than the one she is insisting on.” JeepersCreepers74
Another User Comments:
“She’s not upset that you’re playing favorites, she’s upset that you don’t favor her favorite. Your wife is a grown woman, if she can’t drive her kid somewhere by herself then I don’t understand why she moved out of her parent’s house in the first place, that’s just some basic adulting, suck it up buttercup.
Tell your wife she’s the one playing favorites and trying to make you do the same for her kids over your own and that you will tolerate no further pressing on the matter, your mind is made up. As far as I’m concerned, she owes you an apology.
NTJ.” Longwinded_Ogre
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Both trips are important and the relationships are important. I don’t think she’s a jerk for wanting her husband’s help in launching her kid at college and I don’t think you’re a jerk for wanting to spend time with your boys, especially on a planned and much-anticipated trip.
If the situation were flipped, you two would probably sympathize with the other position. Maybe it would help her to think of the trip as a last mother-daughter bonding adventure. Maybe suggest that they even space it out, incorporate some landmarks/treat events, and make it a mini road trip; that might help make the driving more manageable and give them a bit more time to relax, take pictures, and enjoy a couple of girl time sleepovers to talk about this big change.” User
5. AITJ For Making My In-Laws Stay In A Hotel After They Surprised Us On Our Family Vacation?
“I (37F) took a beach vacation with my husband (40M) & our 3 kids (4, 2, 3mo).
We also invited his sister, husband & 2 kids (4, and 3) as we had a detached bedroom from the main house and we genuinely liked hanging out with them. I told her we wanted to keep it small this year since we have a new baby, I’m pretty fresh postpartum and I didn’t want it to be too stressful.
While we were at the beach we saw my MIL, FIL, stepson (20) & his partner pull up. This is a 3-hour drive from where we live. They came to surprise us at the beach since we hadn’t seen my SS in 2 months. My SIL said they’ve been planning this for weeks & she gave them the mile marker.
This was a cool surprise, but afterward, they expected to stay with us in our 1bd/1ba rental house with no real doors (only sliding doors). They had no plans for lodging or eating, so we got to work to make dinner which was fine because I had packed extra food.
Due to space constraints, I put the baby down for a nap in the restroom (we had 2 pack-and-plays in there). When I went back to check on him a little later, my SS & his partner were in the transparent glass shower together steps away from my 3-month-old baby.
I went back to the kitchen and told SIL they could not stay with us. My husband told them they could because he is out of touch with what that would mean (6 adults, and 2 toddlers sharing one RR where 2 babies are sleeping). I told her what I had just seen with SS and his partner in the shower, again reminding her it’s too many people going in and out of the RR with 2 kids asleep in there.
She understood and started looking up hotels.
My SS’s partner was already scoping out the couch and she could have slept there but after wrestling 2 babies to sleep in the RR and my 4yo to sleep in the actual bed, the couch was the only place I could sit & have a glass of wine at the end of the night in peace.
After getting a hotel room, they stayed at the beach house until midnight playing poker on the patio and shouting. My husband asked his dad to please be quiet since the kids were sleeping and FIL loudly shouted “Shut up” and kept playing.
This has since caused major conflict with my husband as he believes we should have just let 4 additional people stay since “they are family”.
We paid for half the hotel room and my SIL paid the other half.
For context, we have been to the beach one other time with my SIL (last year) but have never been with my MIL and FIL. My SS has been gone for 2 months but will be in town for the next 3 weeks, so it’s not like we wouldn’t have seen him the next day when we returned. I understand they wanted this to be a fun surprise, but no one considered how this would impact us as a family traveling with 3 small children in a relatively small beach house.
AITJ for making my in-laws stay in a hotel after they surprised us on our family vacation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – No way, this is so rude and stressful. You need to put an end to all this now. My aunt, uncle, and cousins did this to my parents for years – they would show up with their family of 5 for Thanksgiving as a surprise and my mom would scramble to get extra food – american for the cousins and our ethnic food for the parents.
It was a nightmare but they never said anything because it was awkward and it went on for 30 years. Say no now or all your future vacations will be ruined.” Unhappy-Prune-9914
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Rude of them and rude of the SIL to have planned it/okayed it without thinking through the logistics.
I wouldn’t be planning any more combined holidays with SIL. And rude of the husband to think it was no big deal. Suggests that you’re the primary kid-wrangler and this didn’t affect him as much, which makes it worse. ” embopbopbopdoowop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- that is not a nice surprise, it’s an ambush. It sounds like your husband’s family has no boundaries and your husband has no spine. Your SS also needs to learn some manners. Why were he and his partner using the bathroom that the kids were napping in?
They should have used the one in SIL’s room. Honestly, I’d have seriously contemplated packing up the kids and either getting myself a hotel room or going home and telling hubby to have a nice time with his family because he only cares about himself and their feelings.
Not to mention it’s a fire and safety hazard to put that many adults in such a small room. I can’t believe any hotel or vacation rental would allow it.” Ornery-Process
4. AITJ For Boycotting Family Dinners After They Disrespected My Wife's Cooking?
“Ever since my dad was a kid our family has done monthly family dinners, nicer ones than your average family dinner. It’s something our family did when my siblings and I were kids too. We’d have grandparents over and we’d all have a nicer dinner together.
When my siblings and I grew up we still did it only instead of what happened before, where branches broke off over time and did their own, they decided we should include partners/spouses and our kids as a whole in one. By the time I was 19, the family had decided they would take turns hosting each month to lessen the burden.
My wife was excited to be a part of them at first. We started during our relationship. I did the cooking to start and then she took over after a while because she wanted to. My family had seemingly gotten along with my wife before this point but they were overly harsh about her cooking (except for my two younger siblings).
She tried to make them happy but no dice. I told them they could be kinder. They said she should cook better or cook different things. My wife didn’t make anything they didn’t eat. But nothing was right. She grew frustrated and I grew suspicious.
So we hosted a couple of months ago and I told my wife we were going to pretend I did the cooking. Just to see. She told me she felt like they just weren’t fond of her food. I pointed out nobody had the same amount of complaints as them and they even criticized the steak and potatoes they all seemed to go crazy for.
She went along with the plan and when my family thought I’d cooked it? They loved it. Said it was so good my wife had decided to let a real talent take over. It was so nice to have something a little different (curry) and all this very lovely stuff.
My younger brother and sister weren’t fooled. But they enjoyed watching the rest of the family dig a hole. When the rest of my family heard it was my wife’s food and not mine? They tried so hard to backtrack on all the nice stuff.
The rest of the dinner went in tense silence and my wife’s eyes were opened. I told her I was done with these dinners and she was my priority. She felt a little bad. I told her we could have dinners with my younger brother and sister sometimes.
It’s less stressful anyway.
When we didn’t show up to last month’s dinner or this one, my parents and siblings started asking questions. I told them each time we weren’t going again but missing two made it sink in. They told me we need to be there.
I said never again. My wife doesn’t deserve their disrespect. I told them they ruined what they wanted by being jerks to her. They said I was overreacting, making very relationship-harming choices, and treating them badly for simply having issues with my wife’s food. They also said to think of future kids and how they’ll miss out.
Some of it got to my wife a little which I have tried to reassure her about.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like your family dislikes your wife, not the cooking. I completely understand why you stopped attending the dinners, NTJ But you need to have a conversation with your family on why they are mean to your wife.
It is unlikely this behavior will change just because she stopped cooking (They will start criticizing something else about her) Also, NO you DO NOT want your future children surrounded by people who criticize their mom for no reason. You don’t want them thinking it is OK for themselves to act like this, or for future partners to treat your children like this.” whataday9
Another User Comments:
“They changed their tune in the middle of dinner as soon as they realized your wife cooked the food….man, that’s just wrong. That makes it blatant that it’s not “simply having issues with her food.” And I would not hesitate to point out that stinking pile of horse manure for what it is.
You’re not making relationships-harming choices. They already did that themselves. I feel so sorry for your wife. I know she wanted to be accepted. Please enjoy your dinners with your younger siblings. I would suggest, because, and only because this situation makes your wife upset, that after cooling off several months, you invite your family to apologize to your wife. Then, and only then, you would consider rejoining the family dinners, as long as they can behave going forward. I might go so far as to say “Because my wife doesn’t like the strife, we’ll retry for her sake. Just to drive the point home.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My father’s family treated my mom like garbage for 30+ years. Me and my siblings can’t stand them. Don’t take phone calls from them, don’t go to places we know they will be. We avoid them like the plague even though my mother still tries to stand up for them and tells us they’re family.
Though garbage, they never own up to their actions or apologize, they just want us to pretend we don’t see it and fake being close for what? The sake of a family that makes you and the people you love miserable?” Otherwise_Degree_729
3. AITJ For Rejecting A Sentimental Gift From My Mom Because It Wasn't Based On My Drawing?
“I feel lost. I was 16 when this happened. I had been struggling a lot with my mental health which caused me to fall behind in school.
It was so bad that I had gotten 0 credits for a whole grade. Luckily, I was able to pick myself up and bring my grade up enough to be able to graduate! Yes, it wasn’t my top A score like before but I was proud of myself.
Later that year, my mom told me she had got this and held out a jewelry box. Info, my mom is the type of gifter who gets a $25 gift card for anyone. I’m a sentimental gifter who takes the time to give meaningful gifts.
Most of the time, I will draw something a person cherishes as a gift (important).
So when I saw this jewelry box, I was genuinely surprised. “This is for all your hard work and improving your grades! Open” Excited, I lifted the lid to see a gold cuff with small diamonds implanted within this beautiful design in the middle. “I got this made by a famous jewelry maker!
I re-sketched the drawing so it would fit,” “Which one? I don’t recognize this,” I stated. I’ve drawn a lot so it’s possible that I didn’t remember this one. I mean, I can’t remember a single time when I was not at least doodling.
That’s how impactful it was on my life. “This one. It’s so pretty and I fell in love with it. This is your best work ever!” She pulls up to show an old drawing.
“Mom.”
“Yes?”
“That’s an old friend’s drawing.”
“Well, I drew over it so you can think of it as mine instead haha”
“Ok, thanks Mom”
I went to my room in shock. I have been drawing for almost my entire life. I can’t remember a single time when I was not at least doodling. I’ve dedicated my entire life to learning and improving my art.
She chose hers.
There are drawings framed all over the halls and she has bins and bins of drawings I’ve made since I could walk.
She chose hers.
I’ve been showing her every single thing I’ve made, from projects and small doodles in math class.
Out of the hundreds-even thousands of drawings I have made, she chose hers.
This gift was more connective to me than any gift card she had gotten me. Yet it isn’t even my drawing. The only drawing she had ever praised since I’d started wasn’t even mine.
Later, I gave it back to her. She kept putting it back on my desk for a week until convo,
“Do you not want this?”
“Yes”
“Why? Is it not the right size or uncomfortable? It will cost more than it already is but I can get it done.
This maker is very good and can get it done-”
“No, I don’t want it.”
“Why? Do you not like it”
“I hate it”
Later that night, I heard her crying. She was telling my dad how she just wanted to do something nice for me and give me something to make it through the hardships.
Ever since, I feel really bad about hurting my mom yet I can’t shake off the hurt I felt when I got it. It’s affected me so much that I stopped drawing altogether since then. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your mother got a piece of jewelry specially made for you because she was proud of you.
Yeah, she thought she was basing it on your design and she was confused about that, but is that so tragic you need to hate her and throw the gift back in her face? She didn’t “choose hers,” she thought she was basing it on your design.
Unless you had been giving her drawings of jewelry designs you loved and emphasizing how much you liked them, it’s not like you were giving the options she “should” have chosen over the one she used. Jeez” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“YTJ You admit she isn’t good at this sort of gift-giving, but she went out of her comfort zone to do something she thought you would genuinely appreciate.
Yes, she made a mistake, but it was an honest one, and I don’t believe she should be punished for that. She looked through the art that was available and found something she thought you would like that she believed was yours – and if you have drawn as much as you said, how was she to know it was from someone else unless it was explicitly signed by them or similar?
As I see it, this changes the meaning of the gift, it doesn’t void it. Your mum got you a piece of jewelry based on artwork that means something to you, which this does, even if you weren’t the one to draw it. I cannot force you to like something you don’t, but I would strongly suggest taking a different look at this, and hopefully sending an apology your mother’s way.” Crysis
Another User Comments:
“Mid-YTJ I can understand why you’re upset because she had so many of your drawings to choose from but it’s somewhat illogical, your mum didn’t “Choose” your friend’s drawing purposefully, she thought it was yours! She saw a pretty drawing she thought her child had made and wanted to do something nice for you, idk how old you are now but perhaps an apology is warranted from you to your mother because I can imagine it was hurtful for her to have her kid say they hate a gift that she put some thought and time into.
Also, well done with your grades! It’s not an easy thing to pick yourself back up again from a mental slump, you should be proud of yourself because of that. So basically, I think you and your mum just need to communicate and have a sit-down conversation about the whole ordeal” NiranWasHere.
Another User Comments:
“soft No jerks here you’ve gotta appreciate that your mom put some effort into this gift. I think she wanted it to go right, so try to be a little more grateful if you can. But on the other hand, she should not have tried to act like everything was fine when you told her that she did not get the jewelry of one of your drawings.
She was very dismissive. I think you should try coming to her and saying that the gift was very generous and beautiful, but that it just hurts you that it is not one of your works. + I would say sorry :[” gl_zzygod
2. AITJ For Buying My Own Food And Locking It Away From My Parents?
“I, 22M, live with my parents, go to graduate school and work. I chose to live with my parents because they don’t charge me—my parents also don’t pay rent or a mortgage and never have. They don’t pay ANY bills other than the internet, and both work and make great money especially because they don’t pay bills.
I used to go hungry growing up because my parents would never go grocery shopping, and still never do. The closest thing is that my dad will buy a sandwich with ham and cheese, and then my mom will buy chicken and rice. My parents only buy the cheapest things they can find.
I grew up eating ramen noodles, despite us never being in a spot to have to do that. I hate using what my parents buy and their cooking, so I go grocery shopping for myself—I’m very big into organic food and eating healthy, so I spend more where it matters.
I have high caloric needs because of my height and activity, so it can hurt my wallet, especially as I don’t make much, but I struggle to get through 3 meals a day unless it’s something varied so c’est la vie (likely trauma from growing up eating the same thing every day).
I became very upset as I discovered my parents had been eating my food. It wasn’t a single occurrence, but a pattern. The chicken, again, expensive, mom cooked to split between the three of us (I proportion the amount of food I need to eat so I can stay within budget and eat enough).
I asked her what she was doing, and she said the meat “was for the family,” and that she’ll replace it—she’s done that maybe once, and when she does, it’s always the cheapest chicken on the shelves. I buy avocados to make avocado toast for breakfast and my mom eats them all before I can eat even ONE.
Never replaced any. I buy loaves of bread and my dad eats it all before I eat any. My expensive olive oil? Suddenly mom only wants to cook with it. My bananas? It’s as if I’d never bought them. Repeat this with other ingredients.
I bought myself a fridge with a lock to keep my groceries in. Every time I cook they’ll say it looks so good and how I should make some for them and I tell them no, because I bought a specific amount of groceries to get myself to a healthy weight and how what I already bought was expensive and I don’t have that much money.
They call me cruel, get angry at me, and tell their family members that I’m stingy… but when I would tell them I was hungry as a child, they would joke about how I was “eating them out of house and home.” They make jokes about eating my groceries and accuse me of starving them.
They also continued making jokes about me giving them spending money and I snapped at them because I said it wasn’t funny, and they doubled down and said “Children need to treat their parents well.”
The worst part about this is that I’m still underweight.
What I buy for myself isn’t even technically enough. It gets so exhausting because to eat I have to sneak around them to avoid them making comments. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’m surprised you are living there. This sounds pretty toxic and unnecessary.
If you’re going to be buying your appliances and cooking your food, try to find your place to do that. A halfway mediocre roommate would be less awkward and cumbersome to deal with.” 1hfdeuce
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Ask yourself if the money you are saving is worth your physical and mental health.
Would getting a second job to afford your place with roommates is worth it? Do you have a fridge at work you can meal prep and keep in there for your breakfast/lunches? I understand they are letting you live there rent-free which is amazing, but when I lived with my parents after university my mental health down fast. I struggle a little bit financially now but honestly, that stress is much more manageable than when I was with my parents.” RedditUser-1678
Another User Comments:
“Your parents don’t behave like normal, caring parents. Just ignore them, eat the food you buy, and take care of yourself until you can finally move out and be independent. They don’t need your money or your food. Distance yourself from their need to belittle you, to make you feel lesser.
See them as just two people who happen to share the same living space, tell yourself that you won’t play along in their little games, push their ugly behavior away from you, and don’t take it onto your shoulders, not into your heart. Good luck.
NTJ at all.” hadMcDofordinner
Another User Comments:
“NTJ And you need to start ignoring their comments and harden yourself against them because they are entirely wrong. They underfed you and treated their child poorly. What goes around comes around and even if you could afford it I would urge you not to get them anything(food or money).
Make it clear when you do so that “parents should treat their children well” because that’s an argument that carries water with them.” throwawayvh61
1. AITJ For Asking My Sister And Her Partner To Apologize For Ignoring My Birthday Party Dress Code?
“I (22m) recently celebrated my birthday. For this, I specifically requested that nobody buy me any presents or give me any money, only that they turn up to my birthday party (a dinner at the house) in black tie as my partner (22f) had never been to a black tie dinner before.
I made formal invitations and sent multiple messages in the family group chat that all made the dress code very clear.
We have hosted black tie dinners in the past and my sister’s partner (36m) has often ‘dressed up’ for the occasion but never put a full black tie on- I assumed this is because he does not own it.
Knowing this I messaged him privately a month before the dinner offering to help him find a suit that would fit & that I would pay for. I found one that was reasonably priced and that I suspected may fit him in a local charity shop.
I sent him a photo of this and he said (something along the lines of) ‘thank you but it’s not my sort of thing’. I thought this meant he would not be interested in coming (as he did not reply to my following message). I still gave him a formal invite anyway in case he changed his mind.
On the day all of the guests arrived in the dress code and we had a drinks party before dinner and played some garden games – midway through one of the garden games my sister and her partner arrived both dressed in t-shirts and shorts.
Seeing this I went over to them to ask him privately why they had not put on his black tie as it was the one wish I had for my birthday and my sister’s partner replied with ‘What are you talking about’. Annoyed I walked away and did not mention it for the rest of the night.
Later in the night people were asking each other to do speeches and he asked me to do a speech saying ‘I want to hear what you have to say’. Throughout the night they littered the conversation with snide remarks about how ridiculous the whole thing was and how silly we all looked. This annoyed me but I still did not give either of them a reaction.
I enjoyed my birthday dinner but couldn’t help but feel disappointed in my sister’s partner and my sister for not showing up with the single request I had- especially since the rest of us dressed up for it.
I told my mother the following morning I would not be speaking to either of them until they apologized for their comments.
2 weeks passed and I still hadn’t seen them (they had been abroad on holiday) the first time I saw them they said hello and I said to them ‘I am not interacting with you until you apologize for the behavior you exhibited at my birthday party’.
My mother became furious with me over the issue and will not speak to me or even acknowledge my perspective, she is now demanding that I apologize to both my sister and her partner and that we will never dress up for dinner again.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your sister had worn a dress and her BF a suit, or at least a dress shirt and nice pants, I might give them a pass but they rudely thumbed their noses at your request. They showed a lack of respect for you and you deserve an apology.
Your mom needs to stay out of it; it’s none of her business. As far as having a dress code for a family party, if they didn’t want to follow it they didn’t need to accept the invitation.” rosezoeybear
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sucks that you put so much effort into hosting your birthday dinner for your sister and her partner to show up late, and dressed poorly compared to everyone else. Unfortunately, as long as they don’t see themselves in the wrong, the chances of getting an apology are pretty slim.
Just keep this in mind moving forward. Avoid inviting them to events with higher dress standards. And, if they have a fancier event (I don’t know, birthday party, wedding, etc.) Just remember that jeans and t-shirts are considered appropriate “black tie” dress them.” aj_alva
Another User Comments:
“ESH. The whole tradition seems passe, stupid, and wannabe classy. Especially asking people to play dress up for your benefit? I guess if that’s the sort of thing you’re into it’s whatever but it’s a turn-off for some people.
And for you to reach out offering to pay for his ensemble for the party? Jesus Christ. Social ineptitude to the tenth power. Flabbergasting. That said, they were bothered by the aforementioned factors, and what they did was some sort of protest or to make a point that they think you and your birthday wishes are as stupid as I think they are.
It was all unnecessary. In my opinion, you’re a friend inviting me to celebrate a special day *for you* and you’re giving me a dress code? Hard pass. They didn’t have to come and make things weird. Otherwise YTJ.” Huge_Event9740
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