People Wonder If They Went Too Far In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
20. AITJ For Changing My Name From "Pennsylvania" And Not Telling My Parents Until My Wedding?
“So, my (26F) parents decided to name my sister and I after American states.
I have permission to share her name (Arizona) and I was called Pennsylvania at birth. Yeah, my parents are weird. I guess they thought geographical names were cool but I think there’s a huge difference between calling your child Arizona or Dakota and Pennsylvania.
For as long as I can remember, everyone has called me Penn or Penny. My parents insisted that everyone was to call me by my full name but most people could see how ridiculous my parents are.
My sister (28F) didn’t struggle as much with her name since Arizona just sounds better than Pennsylvania, and the Greys anatomy character Arizona Robbins made the name seem quite cool as we got older.
I was mocked and teased as a child in elementary school because of my parent’s insistence on my full name. They would literally berate my teachers for letting me write ‘Penny’ on my work/books.
When I was 21, I got my name legally changed to Penelope.
Most people I had met in college had assumed that I went by Penny as a nickname for Penelope, even my partner’s mother called me Penelope because I was too embarrassed to tell her that Penny was short for Pennsylvania. I kept it a secret from my parents and close family because I knew my parents would go mental and accuse me of disrespecting their choice.
I’m getting married this summer to my lovely partner Tom (31M) and as you all know, you have to say your full name in your wedding ceremony when doing your vows. I knew I had to fess up about the name change because the alternative would be hoping they kept quiet when they heard me say ‘I, Penelope’ instead of ‘I, Pennsylvania’.
I invited them over to my home and I tried to tell them in a really calm way that I had changed my name but they freaked out. They said that I was disrespectful, I was calling their choice dumb etc. They are refusing to attend the wedding now.
I know I’m not the jerk for changing my name, but my parents are particularly upset about how I kept it hidden for five years before telling them. Most people I know agree with them. They think that I should’ve had the courage to be honest with them years ago so they would’ve had time to get used to it instead of me dropping the news on them two months before my wedding and causing all this drama.
A few other family members have dropped out and my poor sister (who is my maid of honor) is having a nightmare with this. My parents believe they had the right to know much earlier.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can change your name if you want and the name your parents lumbered you with at birth was an excellent reason to do so.
From what you’ve written I suspect your parents would’ve blown up whatever and the 5 years is just a pretense to hang their anger on. 2 months is enough to get used to the idea too. As for boycotting the wedding because of it: they need to get over themselves.
That is a big overreaction to my mind. It sounds like your parents need to grow up a bit.” Diligent-Comfort-191
Another User Comments:
“NTJ But, one can use ‘nicknames’ in reciting vows. The Marriage Certificate must be your legal name, but if you prefer Penny, use Penny.
I’ve been to two weddings where, at one, the bride used her middle name (as she had been called her entire life), and at a coworker’s wedding, he used his middle name. I don’t think most people even knew that wasn’t his first name but his middle name.
With all that being said, I would think your parents were going to find out eventually. It’s probably best to come from you.” pinkflamingo-lj
19. AITJ For Not Giving My Nephew All The Answers While Gaming?
“Most weekends my nephew (7 years old) stays with me and his grandparents. Recently I and my parents discussed this. I believe that kids should learn critical thinking skills and to manage frustration at least to a point and for that it is needed to not give them every answer nor do everything for them.
The “trigger” was that I was letting my nephew play a game called Klonoa on my Switch, in a level there was a door, a switch that would open said door, and some enemies that could be grabbed and would explode some seconds after that.
The thing is, the door would close by itself some seconds after hitting the switch, so he had to grab an enemy, throw it to the switch then run to the door, my nephew didn’t realize what he had to do. And to be honest, I didn’t see him grab any of those enemies so I gave him a hint (grab one of those, throw it, and see what happens) he was still struggling to realize what he had to do.
So I told him to stop and think a little.
After a while, my dad got angry because I didn’t outright tell my nephew what to do or do it outright for him.
Some months before this, I had another discussion with my mom for a similar reason, the game in this case was Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga.
My nephew was stuck in a tutorial where he had to learn how to use two new types of jumps (and most of the game requires using these plus other kinds of skills to advance) there was a text box telling him what he had to do.
But he didn’t want to read so he didn’t know what he had to do, half an hour passed until eventually he just read the text box, but he didn’t know where to find one of the buttons required for this in the controller. Which was understandable since other games he played didn’t require those buttons to play.
So I told him where those were on the controller. After that, he passed the tutorial quickly.
During this, my mom got angry because I didn’t outright tell him to read the text box (she never has touched a videogame, but she also saw the text box and didn’t tell my nephew to even attempt to read it to realize)
There are games that when he plays I always tell him about certain stuff, either because it’s not obvious where to get the info he needs to advance or because he legitimately didn’t understand a tutorial, so I would do it for him once as an example.
So. AITJ for not wanting to give my nephew every single answer in a video game and expecting him to read the tutorial text box and think a little?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, It sounds like you are helping, as your nephew persists in trying, rather than simply giving up and walking away.
He will gain skills & confidence by learning to follow instructions and figuring out sequences himself. Well done!” stephnetkin
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like your parents have their idea of how to raise or train a kid or maybe it’s about their idea of how to be helpful.
Or maybe your approach takes too long and is inconvenient. Maybe their mentality is to not build long-term skills. Are your parents good teachers? NTJ” Ok-Advice-8319
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Change My Birthday Trip Dates For My Sister's Finals?
“So I (21F) have made up my mind to go on a trip for the past few months now, for my 22nd birthday.
I won’t go too much into details but I’ve always hated my birthdays, so I want to allow myself to have a nice birthday where I’m away and I can do whatever I please. This year’s been pretty hectic and difficult for me, so I feel like I deserve some time alone exploring one of my favorite cities.
I told my sister (23F) this a while ago and she was static to go, so I kind of considered taking her with me. It’d be a great bonding experience. But then she asked me to change the dates for the trip, and I’d be stuck in our hometown for my birthday which I do not want to.
The reason for her asking to change the dates is that she has finals.
At first, I said yes because I love my sister and I really want to go with her. But also, it’s been pointed out to me that my relationship with my sister is unbalanced, and I care more about her than about me.
One recent example that comes to mind was when I went away for a business trip and brought her goodies and when I returned and told her that my trip wasn’t that good and that I missed her and wanted to see her since we hadn’t seen each other face to face in two weeks, she said that she was busy and going to see the Super Bowl with some friends.
I admit that I was sensitive, so I understand that. Big deal. It already happened. But I can’t change my birthday for someone who couldn’t make time to see me at least briefly. My sister also has had bad times this year, and I’ve done everything I can to cheer her up (going outside for coffee, thrifting, etc).
But she doesn’t try as much with me: when I tell her I like an artist, she refuses to listen to at least a song. Or when I like a TV show, she says she’s sure she won’t like it. This bothers me because it’s not like she’s even trying to get close to me, when I, on the other hand, have watched and listened to everything she’s recommended.
The reason why I think I might be the jerk is that I can just******* up and celebrate my birthday later on but with my sister. This city is a marvelous experience and I’d hate to deprive her of it. But I’d also hate to deprive myself of seeing it on my birthday.
Also, it’s finals week so it’s understandable that after she just wants to blow off steam. Not to mention the trip would be paid entirely by me, and I can only afford one hotel room and the rest of the itinerary for one person. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It would be fine to take your sister if that happened to work out. It’s fine to go on your own, if that works better. This is not a thing where you “should” take your sister. For your birthday?
This is a treat **for you** and not for her. That’s the beautiful thing about being a grown woman. You are allowed to make decisions, sometimes, simply based on what works for you! Enjoy your birthday.” SushiGuacDNA
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…you cannot put your life on hold for someone else.
Just because she is your sister does not mean you have to share every experience with her. You can each do things on your own. Also, your sister is older than you, why must you pay for her? Go on your birthday and enjoy your trip.” Worth-Season3645
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Go on your planned trip on the planned dates. You have to do what is best for you, not for someone else. And its your funds. Do what you want. Let her fund her own vacation on her own time. Personally, I would stop reaching out to her and see how long it takes for her to reach out to you.
Especially if the only reason she reaches out is for something for her, not just to check in on you.” Fearless_Ad1685
17. AITJ For Telling My Brother's Friend's Overbearing Mother To Stop Giving Unwanted Advice?
“I (M29) take care of my younger brother, William (FTM15). He lives with me. I’ve always taken care of him, from the minute he arrived home, our mam was rather ineffectual.
Will and I have a seriously close relationship, I can read his mind half the time and vice versa. I’ve always taken care of him exceptionally well, even though there have been difficulties.
Since then, we’ve lived a pretty bohemian type of life. We’ve never really stayed in one place too long, we’ve lived in almost all the counties up north and we’ve had stints of living down south, even lived in Scotland for a little while.
I make most of my funds from painting commisions or getting jobs at tattoo parlors, so I’m not really tied down. Will is a bright, sparky, charming lad, he doesn’t mind having to start new schools, he’s able to draw attention to himself and has gaggles of kids enticed and befriended by mid-day.
Lately, he’s started a new school. He’s made friends with a girl, Jeanie (F15). They’re very close, which I was surprised by because she’s so different from what his friends are usually like, she’s very sheltered and posh. He was invited to come over after school at one point, and they were picked up by Jeanie’s mum (F early 50s?), even though they’re year 10s.
She managed to worm out of Will his entire life story, and when I came by to pick him up, Jeanie’s mum just started this long conversation with me about raising teenagers, and household chores, giving me irrelevant advice – just acting as if I didn’t have a clue in the world and Will was this horribly neglected orphan.
1
Jeanie’s mum, Laurie, will still send me patronizing WhatsApp messages multiple times a day, even calling me ever so often with her advice. This woman has even tried to get me into more conventional employment, despite me telling her that we are fine as we are, and trying to set me up with women (because how can you raise a child with periods w/o a woman??).
It’s so ridiculously over the top, this woman has even told me that I can give her our dirty laundry, and her cleaning lady will wash and iron it for me.
The final straw was when Laurie came by to collect Jeanie after she spent a day at our house.
Laurie was scathing about our home decor (vintage furniture, posters, and paintings on the walls). She started giving me advice on how to make our apartment seem less ‘cluttered’ and more ‘appropriate’ (by taking down the paintings I have done of backs with scoliosis). She even started lecturing me on what I made the kids for tea (avocado bagels), and started explaining to me how to cook food.
I’ve already had a stressful day and I told Laurie to please shut up and stop talking, that we are managing and she’s very patronizing. It’s offended her, and it upset Will because now it’s awkward for him when he visits Jeanie.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like Laurie can’t believe that a child can be happy and healthy unless it’s done *her* way! It’s good that Jeanie will be seeing a different way of live, too. But it also sounds like Laurie is genuinely trying to help. She just can’t see that advice should be sought, not force-fed.” CanAhJustSay
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – sure were you perfect in that moment? No, but everyone has a breaking point, and it sounds like it’s been a lot. See if you can find some way to apologize for your outburst while also politely & firmly telling her that while her advice is well-meaning, you are managing just fine.
You’re doing a great job as an older brother and father figure.” Locke357
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Obviously, there was a more gentle way to tell her that you’re fine, but I think she needed a wake-up call. maybe I’m wrong, but I’m willing to bet that she sticks her nose into people’s business all the time, and you might be one of the only people to call her out.
how it affects Will is unfortunate. you were being insulted and you understandably lost your patience. it sucks that it’s someone so close to family, but I don’t blame you for it. maybe for Will’s sake, you could apologize to Jeanie’s mom, but don’t be afraid to make it clear that you don’t need or want any more advice from her.” Bognutsman
16. AITJ For Leaving My Husband Alone At Our Lake House With His Uninvited Family?
“My husband and I own a lake house that we spend most of our free time at when it’s warm.
We go there over the winter to check on it and do any basic maintenance that is required. It is not set up for winter living.
We often invite friends and family over. We have almost two acres of land and there is lots of room to park an RV or set up a tent.
The house has a septic tank for the toilet. All the other water goes to a grey water tank we use for the garden and lawn. We only use biosafe products. We have a very well built and ventilated outhouse for when we have people over.
So last weekend was the one where we went out to get the house ready for the spring and summer.
We ordered the water truck to fill our tank. The propane guys to fill up that tank. We ran water through the pipes to flush them out and get them ready to use.
And his mom and dad showed up with his brother and his family. Which would be fine except it was a cold and unpleasant weekend. So they didn’t want to set up tents and stay outside.
I asked him why they were here. He said that he told them we were going out and they sort of invited themselves out.
They didn’t bring out much besides some sandwiches and a bunch of beer. They didn’t understand why we didn’t have any of the water toys ready. There was still ice on the lake. I asked my husband to tell them that we were not ready for guests and that they needed to leave or help.
He wouldn’t do it.
So I left. I said I needed to run to the store. I took my car and went to the grocery store five blocks from my house. It is an Asian market with great sushi.
I think my husband expected me to just be going to the gas station a mile from the lake.
I left him out there to prep the house and deal with his guests. He is upset now that I left without telling him that I wasn’t coming back. That he had to do all the work by himself. That he had to clean the house by himself.
He said his family thought I was rude not to stick around and host.
I did not invite them. I told him that the house was not ready for guests. I told him that we did not have enough toilet paper for eight people. He knew that we only had food for the two of us for the weekend.
I think it’s his fault and his problem.
Should I have sucked it up and taken one for the team or am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As opposed to what? You cleaning the house? You getting all the supplies? You cooking for eight?
You cleaning up after eight? Can’t he host his own family? You shouldn’t have sucked it nor are you the jerk. You do have a husband problem, though.” FuzzyMom2005
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I think you need to let them know you are upset. Text the in-laws, “I understand that you are complaining I am not there to host. Hopefully, Husband has told you I didn’t even know you were coming.
I would never have invited you to a working weekend, to a house that was not ready or to a weekend without enough food or toilet paper. It still isn’t clear to me why you are there under these circumstances. Either husband was insane and invited you without letting me know and without being prepared to look after you, or you ignored him and just arrived uninvited. Whatever, you all need to talk it through and leave me out of it.
“I will say this though, it is apparent today that you and your son don’t seem to realize the effort that I have expended hosting you all in the past. I think I will be cutting back this year.”” WantToBelieveInMagic
Another User Comments:
” NTJ…he was not alone.
He had his family to help him. And that is what I would have done. “Oh in-laws! I did not know that husband invited more help to open the cabin for the summer! Whoopee! Now here is a list of what needs to be done.
I will run to the store for a few more supplies while you all get started!”” Worth-Season3645
15. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Estranged Sister Move Into Our Family Home?
“In March of 2019, my (26m) mother (48f) passed away from a heart attack in her sleep. That was a huge blow for my family… especially for my father (55m) after 30 years together. After 2 years my dad started developing drinking habits, so my sisters agreed to make my dad a social account and help him find someone.
After a few months of searching for a good woman, my dad got matched with Kate(50f). I wasn’t happy at first that my dad found someone after my mom, but I didn’t say anything. Some months passed and I could say, that my dad (55m now) changed. He stopped drinking so frequently and started drinking only on special occasions like birthdays, New Year, etc.
Now, let’s go forward another few months (it was December 2022). We got asked by Kate to spend the first Christmas together with her family (her daughter Julia (20f), and Mom-Anna (76f)) but my sisters (Martha (31f), and Angie (29f)) weren’t so happy about that.
They were thinking that our dad was spending too much time with Kate, so they told my dad that he should leave Kate.
My dad pointed out that both of them persuaded him to look for someone else, and after he found Kate they wanted him to be alone again.
There was a huge fight between them, Angie told my dad, that this was his fault that our Mom was gone.
After that they completely stopped talking, Martha took Angie’s side and I took my dad’s side (I was living with my parents when my mom passed away, I was in the room above theirs when this happened).
I told her that I wouldn’t consider her my sister from now on and that she knew how much our parents loved each other.
After that, I stayed in contact with Martha (this will be important later).
After 2 years Angie contacted me through Martha. I currently live alone in my dad’s house, he moved with Katy to their new house. Kate sold her house in another city and moved Anna and Julia with them.
She asked me to let her and her partner move in with me “just for a few months” (mind you, after 3 months she can claim tenant right and I couldn’t kick her out without a court order)
Because she needs to move out of her current apartment and doesn’t have enough funds to rent another.
I declined, saying, that she’s no longer considered family, and I won’t let strangers live with me.
Angie said that this house was hers too. I snapped and told her that everything is biting her back right now and she’s on her own and she should be thankful that I’m still paying her phone plan, that I could just kick her out from the package and she couldn’t contact anyone because of the blocked number.
The next day I called my dad and told him everything, dad said that I did the right thing and she was not welcome in his house.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – But it wasn’t your call to deny her moving as that was your father’s place.
And he decides who lives there and he has said no. So tell your sister, that Dad says no to her moving in and leave it at that since your Dad said so and just walk away, you have no say in the matter. I guess that she didn’t ask her father because she knew what the answer would be.
She was just going for the Golden Ticket of squatter’s rights to thwart your Dad by using you, don’t let her get away with it. Bar the door. She has to learn that actions have consequences.” Mustng1966
Another User Comments:
“So they were upset that he was spending time with Kate instead of (presumably) with them. And the fight resulted in them being completely cut off from their dad.
They cut off their noses to spite their face. They wanted more time with him and lost all of it. It’s him they need to reconcile with, but they have to be genuinely sorry first. NTJ. Follow your dad’s lead, but point out to them just what they’ve lost here.” Vuirneen
Another User Comments:
“Just for clarification — Martha and Angie WERE 31 and 29 in 2022 or that’s their current ages? Doesn’t matter – because they were old enough to not go popping off like hormonally charged teen girls. You are NTJ. Martha and Angie – this is chickens coming home to roost.” opine704
14. AITJ For Choosing My Puppy Over Visiting My Parents?
“I (33F) am an animal person, always have been, but my parents are not. We had a dog growing up and my parents kept it outside in a “pen” 24/7, 365 days a year, for 15 years with no exercise or mental stimulation, and still to this day think it was fine.
Since the day I moved out I have had my own dogs, and just got a puppy after losing my boy dog over the summer who was 11.
My kids (3&5), husband (33M) and I are animal people. I’ve worked in animal care for 15 years working in dog daycare, boarding, pet supplies, dog training, and vet tech.
My parents have always resisted my love for animals and have always had a boundary that my dogs are not allowed over. For a long period of time that was fine… I lived close by and my dogs were comfortable being left home for long periods of time, so it was easy for me to leave them home and go for a visit.
Now, I live over an hour away with a 3-month old puppy who can only be left a few hours at a time. I got a different breed this time which is much more people-oriented than my last dog and it’s taking longer to build comfort being left alone.
I am not comfortable having someone come and pet sit as I also have an elderly dog with specific care that’s needed and lots of supervision is required between the two dogs right now. I would just not be comfortable with it. I also will not send our puppy to boarding/daycare, I am very familiar with the facilities around here and simply won’t use them, plus our puppy doesn’t have all of his shots yet.
I am putting some seriously hard work into training this puppy to be the best dog he can be.
My husband is traveling for work this week and my parents said my kids and I should come over for a visit. I mentioned that I would love to, but that I would have to decline because I wasn’t willing to leave our puppy home for that long.
My parents got angry, saying I was preventing them from seeing the kids. I said I was respecting their boundary and unfortunately it comes with the consequence of visits being harder and less frequent, but that I am happy with my choice and this is my lifestyle.
They also won’t come to visit us because of the animals (two dogs and a bunny). My mom blames allergies but I know she takes an allergy pill to visit my sister who lives right down the road from them, and she has a cat.
The conversation ended with my parents saying I was being vengeful and that I was a jerk.
So, AITJ for staying home, even though that’s a choice I am choosing to make to comply with their boundary?”
Another User Comments:
“Nooooooo you are NOT the jerk lol!
Not at all. If they can’t take the time to educate themselves, that’s their problem. I’m a huge animal person myself, and we are raising a future leader dog for the blind right now(she’s 4 months old) so I get it. Our pittie had severe separation anxiety as a puppy and we didn’t leave her like that either.
Thankfully our families are animal people and understand. Don’t back down, you know what’s best.” Pristine_Pie_2254
Another User Comments:
“NTJ There’s a simple solution Your parents visit you and take your children out for a few hours (with or without you, your choice) They’re probably quite young still (in their late 50s-60s?) as you’re only 33, (although that doesn’t necessarily follow.
) But if they can’t come in your house (even if mum preloads with anti histamine), and if you can’t leave puppy at home for long visit to them + 2 hours travel time … then the answer is they come to you. If they don’t drive, they can catch transport, stay at a nearby hotel or B&B and go out in buses or in your car with you and your children from your place.
That’s how they see their grandchildren. If and until you can leave your dog long enough in the future or if or when you can use doggy day care him whilst you visit them.” JSJ34
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My dachshund still struggles with separation anxiety (she can at least be without me now, but needs friends around) and my dad doesn’t like pets in the home – so when I visit, she goes to a sitter.
If I can’t find a sitter, we don’t come, because I’m respecting the rules he has in place at his house. It sucks that your parents can’t see that.” CookiesFavoriteMilk
13. AITJ For Leaving My Friend At The Mexican Airport?
“I take frequent trips to Mexico for vacation. The last couple of trips down there have been solo.
I’ve been trying to get friends or family to join me but the timing never lines up. I’ve stayed in contact over the years with a buddy from my hometown with whom I went to middle school. On one of our recent conversations, he mentioned he had just got back from a trip to Peru and really enjoyed it.
I figured he was familiar with traveling internationally and he’s always been a good guy whenever I return to my hometown for visits, so why not invite him to meet me in Mexico? He had never been there before and I thought it would be fun to show him around and have a travel buddy on this trip.
He agrees and we arrange a time and place to meet around the airport in the Mexican town we’re traveling to. On the day of our flight, my flight is delayed by two hours. Getting through immigration takes FOREVER. My buddy arrived about 4 hours before I did and spent that time drinking at the airport bar.
When I finally catch up with him, he’s completely wasted. He begins accusing the bar staff of stealing his funds. He’s making inappropriate comments to other tourists about how attractive their wives/partners are. I informed him I was contacting Uber and we needed to meet him on the street outside the airport as Ubers aren’t allowed on airport property.
Arrival time for the Uber is 6 minutes, exactly enough time to make it to the street. My friend begins chasing women around the airport trying to get their phone numbers. I finally get him outside and close to the street. He spots a small group of female airport employees on their break on the side of the airport.
He begins harassing them and trying to get their phone numbers. He’s not taking “NO” for an answer.
When they try to walk away from him, he grabs one of them by the arm and refuses to let go until she gives him her phone number.
I plead with him to leave her alone and apologize like crazy to her. I get the notification that the Uber has arrived. I don’t want to end up in a Mexican jail so I tell him we have to leave now! He refuses and says he’ll kill me (jokingly…I’m pretty sure) if I interrupt his “conversation” with this airport employee.
I informed him that I was leaving right now with or without him. He ignores me. So I hop in the Uber and leave him stranded at the airport. I started receiving texts and calls from his friends and family about not hearing from him.
I informed them of the situation and that I left him at the airport. They told me I had to go back for him and I refused. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for leaving your “buddy” at the airport…however you are 100% YTJ for walking away from a situation where he was actively, physically harassing someone without trying to at least make the airport authorities aware of what’s going on so they could intervene.
Been to Mexico dozens of times. You can always get another Uber. But if he had hurt his victim after that, or worse, that’d be on you.” burnednotdestroyed
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t even know how you would be the jerk. This man is a full-blown heavy drinker and he clearly cannot handle his liquor.
You invited him for a nice Mexican vacation to enjoy the scenery and show him one of your favorite places — not to relive spring break. Good call ditching his sorry self at the airport. You are not responsible for his actions. I’m sorry your friend nearly ruined your trip and I hope you had a good time in spite of him.
Man, I would do ANYTHING to go on a vacation like that, and he just throws the trip away so casually? Yikes. I hope his family sees that he needs help, and if they don’t, I think an intervention is in order.” afinevindicatedmess
Another User Comments:
“Leaving a wasted friend alone in Mexico is not a great idea. Who knows what might happen to them. On the other hand, you tried to get him to leave but he refused. Of course, he was impaired so that’s not completely unexpected. Not a good look for anyone.
Frankly, after several hours, it is unlikely that he would still be around if you went back to look for him if he never showed up at your hotel. He’s either in jail, with one of the airline employees or lying on the side of the road somewhere missing all of his valuables and maybe some vital organs.
Curious if anyone has since heard from him.” HealthNo4265
12. AITJ For Being Upset My Parents Outed My Sexuality To The Family Without My Consent?
“I and my dad have the best relationship, he’s like one of my best friends and biggest supporter in all my achievements, however my relationship with my mum isn’t the greatest due to her own personal issues which negatively reflected on me in my childhood and for that we aren’t as close.
Now on to the issue, In 2020 I came out to both my parents, my Mum was very supportive as her best friend is a lesbian, my dad wasn’t really bothered and said it wouldn’t change how he saw me, however whenever it came to pride things I never really went to him about it just because I knew he probably wouldn’t get it, but that didn’t bother me.
Fast forward to yesterday, my dad and I were in the car coming home from McDonald’s for our dinner and as we were waiting at a red light I brought up the fact I wanted to come out to the rest of my family (I have quite a large family and only my cousin knew as she and I are very close), and without a pause he said to me “they already know” I got extremely confused and said back “what do you mean?
I haven’t told them” to which he said “no, your mum and I told them” at this point I was getting very panicked, frustrated and upset and I was finding it difficult to put my words together, so I told him “why didn’t you ask me?
You had no right to do that without telling me” and all he said back was “I’m allowed to talk to family about things” this made me cry because I had never felt so betrayed before.
As soon as we got home I had a go at my mum telling her “you had no right to tell people my s*******y without telling me” and went to my room.
Earlier today I got up and ignored both my parents when they tried speaking to me and I went straight downstairs to get breakfast, when I tried to go back upstairs my dad blocked the door and told me to sit down, he pretty much told me over again and again about how he’s “allowed to talk to family about me” and how “my s*******y isn’t just about me” I was now sobbing sat on the sofa as I just kept repeating “you outed me” and “you had absolutely no right ” because that’s all I could get out, I was so angry that they had taken something so personal away from me because I now couldn’t come out to my own family when I wanted to, and he had the nerve to say “I didn’t out you, don’t use that word it’s very negative” like I was a child.
My mum seemed to understand my frustration and apologised for taking that away from me.
I quickly got up and barged past my dad and locked the door to my room, I haven’t and refuse to speak to him… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ assuming this is true.
Your s*******y is your business to share. Your dad’s logic is not reasonable by any stretch. It is him essentially saying that ANYTHING you tell him is fair game for him to share. So if you get pregnant this means any detail you tell him he will go ahead and tell everyone.
Reason I think that this could be not true is I can’t imagine family knowing and not a single one of them calling or texting OP. Then again not every family communicates?” AtomicBlastCandy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.Tell dad and mom that they better EXPLAIN THOROUGHLY how you can EVER trust them again?
They outed you. That they are absolutely despicable and that they should feel unbelievably ashamed. That what they did was unforgivable. The fact that they think your private business = family gossip is absolutely disgusting. NEVER tell them anything personal EVER AGAIN. They will just spread it like it’s their business too share” jess1804
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’m so sorry. Send them to PFLAG. Your dad NEEDS to read some things and understand better, especially if he wants a relationship with you after you become an adult. Hopefully your mom is better going forward. But if not? Find a support system that is there for you, just as you are.
There are some colleges and parts of the country that are very LBGTQ friendly. You can go low or no contact with your parents if it helps. But you probably have to wait till you graduate/ move out first. Maybe write them a letter so you can get all of your feelings out and say what you need to, especially if it is hard to say in person.
This internet mom/ big sister is proud of you, just as you are. Giving you a big mom/ sister hug. ” Trick_Delivery4609
11. AITJ For Being Upset My Partner Eats All The Leftovers And Treats I Bring Home?
“My partner and I eat most meals together when we’re not at work. When I cook I like to make several servings worth and save for leftovers.
But unless I proactively separate and put away what I want to save for later, my partner ALWAYS will eat whatever is left after I serve myself, even if it’s multiple servings.
I’m not necessarily upset because I think he’s eating too much. He’s an adult and can make his own decisions about his diet.
But it is annoying when, say, I’ll make 6 servings worth of pot pie, take one serving for myself, and watch him load the entire rest of the dish onto his own plate.
I will say that he usually asks me if I’ve taken all I want first, and since I usually don’t go for seconds I’ll say yes.
So I guess I do technically give him the go-ahead. Sometimes I’ll respond yes, but I wanted to save some for lunch tomorrow. He’ll reply along the lines of “Oh…well, how much did you want to save?” and then take the rest of whatever I don’t section off to save for later.
This isn’t a big deal, but it feels weird to me that I have to physically put away the extra portions instead of him just not taking All Of It every time.
Another issue is when I bring home a treat/special snack and offer some to him if I don’t specify exactly how much I’m willing to share he’ll inevitably end up eating most of it.
A couple of weeks ago I brought home a loaf of banana bread my coworker made, planning to make it my breakfast for the next few days. But my partner took my offering him a slice as permission to eat 90% of it within 24 hours. What I was planning to make last several days was gone in less than one!
I said something for the first time with the banana bread and chastised him (mostly in a joking tone) for barely leaving me any and asking if he could please make sure he saves more for me next time. He apologized and seemed like he meant it, but the next night when I made dinner he once again took the entire rest of the dish after I served myself one little portion of it.
I almost made another comment but I worry that anything I say will come across as a judgement on how he eats so I held my tongue.
I think my best solution is just to continue being proactive about putting what I want for leftovers away ahead of time, but it’s annoying to feel like I have to essentially hide food away in order to ensure that I actually get to have my fair share of the dish later on.
I want to say “FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE STOP EATING EVERYTHING!” but I know it will sound like body shaming and his feelings will be hurt.
WIBTJ for saying something?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but if you want to avoid accidental shame, you don’t have to explain, just set a boundary of ‘please don’t take more than half’.
If he’s saying ‘Oh… How much did you want to save?’ when you mention wanting to save some, it sounds like he’ll probably be fine with just that, he just needs to know where the boundary is and doesn’t think to set one himself.” weaslelou
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Don’t approach it from how much he’s eating at all, approach it from how he’s not letting you have the share you’re entitled to. Sit him down and tell him that from now on, he’s only allowed to eat half of the food you prepare, unless YOU offer the rest up.
It’s not fair that you never even have the option of seconds if you turn out hungrier than you expect, or that you have to portion out your leftovers in advance of him taking his. You made the meal, you’re entitled to at least half, and him taking five shares of pot pie when you’ve had one is ridiculous.
Having to beg him to leave you food for the next day is ridiculous. And him eating an entire loaf of banana bread that was a gift to you is absolutely absurd. You’re not fat-shaming him for how much he wants to eat, you’re asserting that you want to eat YOUR SHARE of the food, and it doesn’t matter if you want to do it in one night or spread over several.” flaming_crisis
10. AITJ For Selling A Sentimental Garden Tool My Mother Gave Me?
“Several years ago my mother was getting rid of a really nice motorized garden tool that she had for years and had used a lot but no longer needed. She asked if I wanted it. I was living in the country and had a large garden and it would be really useful so of course I accepted it.
About a year later, my mother passed away suddenly and we were left to deal with her large estate. All the siblings amicably split up all the belongings we wanted to keep and the rest was donated.
About 6 months later, I found myself in the middle of a long, nasty divorce and caring for my 4 children on my own.
Funds were tight and I had moved from my 20-acre property (in preparation for it to be sold and split with my ex) and moved into a small rental in town. I no longer had a need for the gardening tool and I really didn’t have room for it.
On top of that, I really needed funds and this tool could be sold for around $1k. When my sister found out I planned to sell the item, she was shocked and said that she and her kids had a lot of good memories with our mom using that tool and she didn’t want to see it sold.
She asked if she could have it. I told her I needed the funds and offered to sell it to her. She refused and became angry. She accused me of being insensitive and only caring about funds. I reminded her that I was trying to support 4 children – on my own – with no help from my STBX and I needed every penny I could get my hands on.
I also reminded her that this had been given TO ME – from our mom – years ago because she no longer needed or wanted it.
This item did not hold sentimental value to our mother. It wasn’t one of those kinds of things. I tried multiple times to explain this to my sister and help her see my point of view, but she wouldn’t hear it.
Nothing I said mattered. She felt that the sentimental value of the object was more important than anything else and that I was robbing her of something very important to her. And how could I possibly do this when our mother had passed away? I, again, explained my side and said that if it was that important to her I would be happy to sell it to her but she refused.
I continued to offer to sell it to her but she refused and insisted it should be given to her for free. I disagreed and gave her a final opportunity to buy it from me but she wouldn’t. So I sold it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m confused. If she cared about the sentimental value, wouldn’t she want to put value on it and buy it from you? If she cares about family as she claims, wouldn’t giving you the funds for it to help your family indirectly honor the mother that she holds at sentimental value?
She’s a hypocrite.” yellowabcd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother gave it to you. It belongs to you. She wanted it only if it were free. If you could sell it for $1K, then giving it to her would be equivalent to giving her $1K.
Clearly, you wouldn’t for a second consider gifting her $1K. She might as well ask you to gift her your old car rather than trading it in. It’s an equal level of unwarranted entitlement.” extinct_diplodocus
9. AITJ For Refusing To Talk To My Father After He Forced Us Out Of Our Childhood Home?
“In my childhood, I had a happy life, parents together who seemed to be fine, a brother, and a family that loved me.
As time went by, my parents had problems, they divorced, so my brother and I stayed with my mom in the same house where we had lived since we were little. The relationship with my Father at that time was very good but gradually deteriorated because he made his life and without realizing it, he pushed me and my brother aside.
Returning to the present, that house was always being fought over by my parents, on one hand, my mom wanted to leave it in my brother and my names, and on the other hand, my dad wanted to take it away and sell it. In the end, due to problems with the lawyers and a trial in which my mom did not show up because she was never notified, the judge ended up ruling in favor of my dad and part of his family (because they were also behind everything), we were just notified that we had 7 days to leave the house or we would be forcibly removed. We did what we could but in the end, they kicked us out in a horrible way because both my dad’s lawyer and those they hired treated us like the worst.
Maybe I didn’t give all the context, but I know that despite everything my dad didn’t want to hurt us even though he did it in the worst way. He didn’t care what we felt, he didn’t care what we thought, he didn’t care about anything other than his hatred and contempt towards my mom and dragged us in the worst possible way… He wants to fix things but neither he nor his family apologized to my brother and me for what they did to us, somehow he believes it’s okay and that “it was all my mom’s fault” even though he orchestrated everything so the only thing they did was act as if nothing had happened. He says he wants to mend things and fix the relationship with us to the point that he bought me a car and gave us some money but I simply don’t see it possible, not only do I have a lot of remorse towards him but it makes me uncomfortable and quite depressed to be with someone who was capable of doing all the harm he did to me just because he felt a lot of resentment towards someone who wasn’t me (in this case, my mom).
The wife of my dad is trying to convince me that I’m being selfish for acting like that. She says that my dad has been very upset because we don’t want to talk with him and he cares about us. AITJ for refusing to talk to him?”
Another User Comments:
“So, correct me if I’m wrong. Paternal grandmother gifts Mom and dad the house. Mom&dad divorce, Mom stays in the house, and Dad leaves. Mom wants to just stay in the house (reaping all the benefits), and Dad wants to sell it (to have his fair share) Was he supposed to leave a house that was partly his to you and your mom?
Have you tried to see things from his perspective? Yes, you’re hurt about it, I respect that. What I don’t respect is that your solution was basically to screw him over, and you’re sad that he didn’t go along with it.” XMandri
Another User Comments:
“YTJ- for the way you blame your father for everything and refuse to see your mother’s role in this. You keep talking about “moral obligation”. If we are going that way, your mother shouldn’t have any right to a house bought by your dad’s family, right?
Every divorced couple should split the assets. Why your mother should keep the house alone? Of course, she wanted in you and your sibling’s name, so she could keep living there and not give your father’s share that he was owed. Also, you said in a comment that your mother “stop paying attention to legal stuff”.
So she Just expected to have her way and didn’t worry about It? How many legal warnings did she ignore before eviction was the last resort? She should be on top of It. It sounds like your mother also hates your dad but was more effective in villainizing him and using his children against him to get her way.” Kooky-Today-3172
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father seems to have an unhealthy obsession with bludgeoning your mother with whatever means available including you and your brother. He is using you in this mission. My interpretation of the info given is he is trying to draw you in.
One thought is when he has completed his mission will he still feel the same about you? It is unfortunate that he is trying to use you in this fashion. I would think you would want to tread carefully between them. Only you know the situation.
If you want to retain communication with your father be careful of being manipulated by your father.” Evergreen005
8. AITJ For Being Worried About My Fiancée's Decision To Earn Less?
“I (40M) and my partner (41F) just got engaged. We had been seeing each other for 1.5 years.
I want to start off by saying I love this woman to pieces.
When we met, everything between us felt so special and it felt meant to be. I’ve been in love before but never like this. I felt like I met my life partner.
Around the time we met, my professional situation was precarious. I have been a Realtor for over a decade, & with the recent market and high interest rates things have gotten increasingly difficult over the time we have been together.
I have started focusing on changing industries.
In contrast, she was at a high-paying job ($500K/yr range). She told me then that in a short time she would be leaving that job for one that pays 1/4th of what she was making because it would be valuable experience that would make her an even more marketable professional. She said her plan was to stay at this job for 2 years and then go back to what she was doing before.
She made the jump to that new lower paying job ~10 months ago. I totally understood & really it didn’t matter to me what she was making.
After getting engaged we said we would come up with a plan for starting a life together. We began having that conversation last week but didn’t get far– she started saying the idea of having to say she’d do one thing or the other was “too much pressure” & it “shouldn’t all be on her.” I backed off.
Well, a few days ago I read some articles about how we live in one of the most expensive states to raise a family in. I freaked out & really messed up by then forcing the issue.
She told me she was now thinking about just working part-time when she leaves her current job next year.
With her qualifications, she can still clear 100K if she’s doing 30 hours a week, but now I’m really worried that if we have an income of <200K a year then we are going to be struggling. Data supports that. She said I shouldn’t expect her to make anything more than $130Kish so that she has options & can make the decision herself.
I kind of get it.
She then tells me that I’m entitled & I’m exploiting her. That if I were a doctor or a lawyer this wouldn’t be a problem. That it’s my fault for not getting a degree, & if I were with anyone else I’d be stuck leaving the city– it’s just dumb luck that I met someone with the earning potential she has.
Wow, I’m taken aback & I can’t believe I’m hearing these things from my now-fiancée. I would never say such hurtful things to her.
I don’t know what to do. I am not with this woman for money. It would all be better if I could make a bunch of money myself, but I think my earning potential is probably capped at 100K/year in a good situation.
There is a lot going on here.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ For freaking out that you’ll have a household income of *only* 200k when that is a huge amount. And for expecting her to earn an income that you can’t earn (and which most people can’t earn) What she said about it being your fault for not having a degree, was harsh, but from what you said you came at her first, and it also didn’t seem like she still wanted the 500k life on the 125k salary.
If she’s happy to downsize her life and spending so she can have a low-key job (that still pays more than most people in the US earn), then she isn’t a jerk. And you can’t demand she works a job she doesn’t want so you can live the life you’d like.” CheerilyTerrified
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – For context I’ve been in your fiancée’s situation. The high-paying job caused me great stress and long-term health issues, however, I wasn’t able to express that at the time due to self-worth issues. Question: Is she expected to do more around the house than you?
Are you expecting her to get home at a “reasonable” time to cook dinner, or do you get frustrated when she has to take work calls/emails outside work hours? Have you asked her how the high-paying job has impacted her mental and physical health?
It sounds like the money is more important to you than your fiancée’s happiness and well-being. Surely both of your happiness is more important than money.” Neat-Relief-7848
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I hope she doesn’t marry you. If you want more money, you find a way to earn it yourself.
You’re just mad because you won’t be able to leech off her as much as you could before. It’s not her fault that you’re not successful. She gets to decide what to do for her career especially because you’re not even married yet. You expect her to carry most of the financial burden for the lifestyle you want.
You’re so selfish.” No_Confidence5235
7. AITJ For Not Keeping My 4-Year-Old Son Quiet At All Times In Our Apartment?
“We live in a big fairly modern apartment complex in a big city. We have a 4-year-old who is like all 4-year-olds… lively and lovely.
We got new neighbors next door to us. We share a wall made of concrete. No other neighbors have ever complained, not upstairs or downstairs or on the other side of us. Just the one next door on the left. They can’t hear anything except for my son’s footsteps when he runs across the floor.
No other sounds.
I heard it like a mild set of drums from their side. I get it, that it must be annoying sometimes, and when they moved in and complained the first time I said sorry and would tell my son to walk across the particular floor area in our house as quietly as possible.
We had the neighbors come to our door angry one Sunday afternoon at 12 because the running was terrible. They threatened to write the administration. And now we have the administration telling us they have received complaints about our kid running at all hours of the day.
Now first of all, my kid is in kindergarten from 8-9 in the morning to 4 late afternoon. Then if the weather is good we stay out till dinner time. Otherwise, we come home and yes we might play a bit and then he goes to bed at 7 with books and sleeps.
So even if we go directly home it’s a maximum of an hour’s worth of potential running. We also have told him multiple times to try and walk slowly across the floor. But sometimes he forgets, or is in a hurry to get to the bathroom.
Sometimes he gets scared in the middle of the night and runs into our bed. This might be disturbing, but I’m sleeping so I don’t know what to do.
We are also out every 2 Sundays for family dinner til bedtime. We try to be out every Saturday for family fun or playdates but it’s not every weekend, because we also just want to be home and relax.
I told the neighbors and administration this and that I refuse to live my life in fear of my neighbors. And it feels like they are breathing down our necks. We live in an apartment complex, we have to hear each other. We hear drilling, people, and party music.
We accept that others live here. Telling my kid every 5 minutes to walk slower also seems like trying the impossible. Here is where I might be the jerk. I told my neighbor the last time she came up complaining, that she was welcome to invest and go half’s on a massive carpet for our apartment and other soundproofing.
She huffed and threatened the administration once more.
Am I the jerk neighbour?”
Another User Comments:
“I guess no jerks here. You can’t control that. 4 year olds are going to 4 years old. I also can’t say I blame the neighbor. Sometimes I think parents are a bit blind to how much of an inconvenience their child is and how much it can affect others because they are used to it.
They’ll see a kid screaming for 30 seconds as no big deal, whereas to the nonparents, it seems like an eternity. So they went from having a fairly peaceful existence to a kid making noise a lot. And while it may not be “all hours”, you acknowledge that it may be happening fairly often.
Especially if they go to work and leave the house during normal work hours, it is essentially “all hours” that they are home. I’m not sure there is a real compromise here. But they aren’t going to like you. And I don’t necessarily blame them for getting the admin involved either.” cuervoguy2002
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When you live in an apartment complex, you’re going to have to deal with the day-to-day noises of other people whether you like it or not. If the kid was bolting around at 4 am, I’d say the neighbor was fair, but they can’t expect your kid to not walk around his own home during the day.
If it bothers them that much, get earplugs or move.” New-Pea-3721
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It really sounds like you’re trying to downplay this, and I suspect the noise is much worse than you admit, but the kicker here for me is that you admit the running happens at night.
As in, when your neighbors need to sleep. And so far what you’ve done is ask your son to walk quietly (no result) and then throw your hands up and say ‘What can I do, not my problem’. You haven’t really tried anything.
At the very least there should be carpeting in the areas causing the problem – carpeting you should be paying for.” FloatingPencil
6. AITJ For Being Upset That My Mom Didn't Stay An Extra Day After My Surgery?
“I moved out of my family’s house 8 years ago. I’ve been supporting myself and helping my mom with her car insurance payment every year and occasionally sending her funds whenever I can. Truth be told, she does help me with some funds every now and then as well.
On my vacations, instead of using the funds (when there’s enough) to travel somewhere nice, I always go to her house so I can spend time with her and my family. I always say I’ll stay for just a week but end up staying longer than that.
In these 8 years, she visited me a total of 5 times mostly because she can get medical appointments here through her insurance which was the case this time.
She came on Sunday, we went to her appointments on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday morning. From her appointment on Wednesday, we went straight to the hospital so I could get admitted for a small surgery that I had scheduled. I got released that very same day by evening, we came home and she was scheduled to leave on Friday.
On Thursday, I asked her to stay one more day (I wasn’t in a lot of pain, but it was uncomfortable and weird since I never had any kind of surgery before). She said she couldn’t because she had left her dogs with my uncle and he had hurt his feet.
I asked her again on Friday and she gave me the same response, saying that she needed to pick up her dogs because she had already left them with my uncle for too long (mind you, my uncle and aunt love those dogs). So I bought her a gelato (cause the last time she came here, she loved it, as there’s no place she can have those in her city) and we went to the bus station.
I barely said a word to her on our way there, didn’t really hug her goodbye, and left cause her bus was already there. I cried the whole way back home.
She messaged me yesterday, saying that she knew I was angry but that it was just ‘incomprehensible’ and that she wouldn’t say anything and we would talk when I wanted. She sent some voice memos about random stuff, but I didn’t answer.
She sent me a voice memo again today saying that if I can hold a grudge, so can she. She’s also asking for my help with a loan she wants to make, cause those things are done online now and she doesn’t know how to do it.
I still didn’t answer her.
I feel like it’s really petty of me but I felt really hurt when I asked for just one more day with her and she refused because of her dogs, when I’m the one always sacrificing possible fun vacations to go be with her and always stay longer when she asks.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“I will point out that you both are probably thinking the issue is two separate things. She thinks you are upset because she didn’t stay one extra day. You are upset because you feel it represents a pattern of her not showing care for you.
With those outlooks, she is going to think you are being immature, and you are going to think she is heartless. You will not solve this unless you actually talk to each other. No jerks here” tinyahjumma
Another User Comments:
“If you knew you had surgery why didn’t you make arrangements earlier to have someone with you?
You can’t expect your Mom and your Uncle to suddenly change plans. Especially since you were fine, and just felt a bit “weird”. Day surgeries are so minor that they send patients home. That should tell you all you need to know. I get that surgery is scary, but it’s up to you to plan better in advance.
Sorry OP. YTJ. Stop giving her the silent treatment.” ClockTraining116
5. AITJ For Refusing To Continue Mentoring My Friend Without Compensation?
“So my friend [37F] and I [33M] were running for the same position at another company without each other’s knowledge at first. She and I have been friends for some years now and I was her boss in our previous company until I got a position in my current company and she got promoted to another department.
We always were so professional at work and never had any personal issues there. Then, I got my current job a few years back and she stayed in our previous company but in a new role in another department, she was so excited, and we remained friends even after that, great friends to be honest. The thing is that without us knowing, we both applied to the same company and the same position, for it would have been a horizontal move, for her it was a promotion, she had never had a leadership position so we both were excited for each other, it wasn’t matter which one of us got selected.
Well, she got the position, I didn’t. I was bumped at first but at the same time truly happy for her. We got to celebrate, and things were good. I told my partner that since this was a position two levels above her previous one, I was afraid she couldn’t meet the initial expectations of the company, but I was there to support her as long as I could.
The thing is that first month she already texted me daily, almost during the whole day. There are a lot of things that she knew how to do as an Analyst, but she didn’t have the experience as a manager to build from scratch, so she was having a hard time.
Initially, I was happy helping her, but now I’m so tired, I feel like I have two jobs (and one of them is ad-honorem). I talked to my friend about this and told her that she either hired me as a consultant/mentor or please keep consulting as low as possible since it was so tiring for me; she got mad and said that I was just jealous of her getting the position instead of me and that I’m not being a good friend by denying her “this little help” (she said) and that if funds would’ve enough to get more energy, then I’m just being ambitious and I want to make funds at her expense, that since she is older and she hasn’t have the opportunity of a managing position I should considerer her needs instead of thinking about money.
Things escalated, and now she is walking on a thin line since she might be fired for not meeting the expectations and that would devastate her; my partner says that I should help her a few more, but I can’t get off of the feeling of being taken advantage of.
Is not that funds would give me a whole new set of stamina, but I would feel that is a fair compensation for all the hard work I would be doing.
So, AITJ for not mentoring her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They gave her the job, she needs to do it or lose it.
None of it is on your shoulders. You helped when you could but it’s become too much and you need to concentrate on doing your job. She needs to sink or swim but it’s all on her. Unfortunately, your friendship is over as she is blaming you for her incompetence.” Fearless_Ad1685
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Look, it is what it is at this point. You let her rely on you too much to start with and it bit you both in the a*s. Unfortunately for her it career wise, not just friendship as it is for you.
At this point also, this isn’t mentoring. You are all but telling her how to do her job if she’s coming to you multiple times a day. A mentor.. you’re checking in with them weekly really, checking goals, setting goals, discussing roadblocks.. not.. this is how you do X Y and Z.
Mentors offer you support and guidance. They aren’t your operating policy and procedures hand holder. You let her take advantage of you, you blurred the lines and vs her maybe getting noticed and helped by the people who SHOULD have been mentoring and helping her, she’s got nowhere to turn.
She went from producing great work to subpar right? That should say everything to you with your management skills, you didn’t help or mentor her. You without meaning to, helped her fail upwards” HyenaStraight8737
4. AITJ For Threatening To End Friendship If Epileptic Friend Continues Risky Behavior?
“Paula (35F) and I (30F) have been close friends since high school. Both of us are autistic, and Paula is also epileptic. She missed a good portion of high school due to the frequency and severity of her seizures.
Despite this, Paula gets super excited and enthusiastic about doing anything that can cause seizures or is dangerous in the event one occurs.
Upside-down amusement rides are the biggest one: if we’re going to a carnival or amusement park, she’ll ask if there are any upside-down rides, ask if any individual ride I mention goes upside-down, and talk about how excited she is to ride the upside-down rides.
She’ll also get excited to visit attractions with strobe lights, sleep on bunk beds, and consume beverages. Paula is the only person I know of in the whole universe who gets excited over strobe lights.
The staff of her day and recreation programs will stop her from doing any of these things because it is in her service plan from the state office of Developmental disabilities that she should not be allowed to.
Paula asked her doctor to take these restrictions out of her service plan, but he refused. As such, she jumps at the chance to do these things when we are out without any “staff “ caregivers around. The staff also makes Paula wear a life jacket while swimming, which Paula resents because she thinks it makes her look like a little kid.
Paula perceives all of this as the staff discriminating against people with epilepsy, and I have not been able to convince her otherwise.
I was on Paula’s side for a while because she had been seizure-free for over ten years. I had even given her advice on how to appeal the doctor’s decision.
However, she recently had seizures again as a result of playing video games for too long a period. I thought this would scare Paula away from doing seizure-causing things, but she did not change at all.
The last time Paula and I got together, I told her to either stop deliberately doing things that are dangerous for people with epilepsy, or I would stop hanging out with her.
Paula was incensed, angrily arguing with me about how it isn’t fair that she doesn’t get to do things other people can do, that she takes meds to control the seizures and that she was able to go seizure-free for so long. Paula has gone on upside-down rides and in strobe-lit haunted houses before without having seizures.
However, she also spent nearly all of her free time playing video games before without having seizures.
Looking back on this conversation, I realize I may have been a jerk. I’m Paula’s friend, not her care aide. It may not be my place to enforce this.
She is ultimately responsible for herself when not in the presence of care aides. I’m also aware that the doctor only refuses to remove the restriction to avoid getting in trouble if she has a seizure again afterward. Yet I do not want to watch her get carted off in an ambulance, or worse.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You stated, “ I do not want to watch her get carted off in an ambulance, or worse.” This is not discrimination or limit testing, it is recognizing that these things have the potential to be dangerous to her.
At 35 Paula should be well aware of how dangerous these things are. A lifejacket is to prevent her from drowning and dying if she has a seizure while swimming, etc. Her recent breakthrough seizure is proof that pushing her condition’s limits has consequences. Only you can decide if you are comfortable continuing the friendship, but I will say that I applaud you for speaking up about an issue that concerned you, no matter how she took it.
It shows you care about her, and what’s best for her.” Furry-Baracula769
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. Firstly, your friend sounds super unstable because nobody in their right mind would willingly put themselves and those around them in a situation where their behaviors are dangerous.
Your friend knows her behaviors are self-inflicted yet she willingly continues anyway and has zero regard for your mental health at having to witness this. I’m 32 but am still haunted to this day by memories of when I was 9 when my 13-year-old brother dropped to the ground and had a seizure and I had to act fast to help him.
I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone else… your friend is a grown adult who can control her situation, her autism is irrelevant to that because she just needs to abstain from these activities. She is right up there on the selfish scale with those with COPD or asthma who smoke, and those with pancreatitis and liver diseases who still consume beverages.
It’s just plain wrong to subject your loved ones to this. For your mental health, I am begging you to drop this “friend” ASAP and surround yourself with people who truly appreciate your kindness and people who won’t subject you to their own self inflictions.” majesticjewnicorn
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here, I understand your friend, as a grown-up looks like she has little to no control over her life. Personally, I think she should do whatever she likes, she understands the risks. I think people should be left to live and die however they choose to.
It’s the freedom of choice and the feeling of autonomy that I believe are the most important. However, I understand you as well. While your friend is ready to take that risk, you are not, and you want to avoid any responsibility or guilt in case something happens.
I think you both need to meet somewhere in the middle. You have to understand that her life and choices are not yours to manage, so you don’t need to feel guilty in case something happens, she has to understand that you care, and even if you understand her frustrations, even if you respect her wish of autonomy, you want to avoid seeing her getting hurt.
So maybe, without making her feel judged, you can suggest she could do those things without you present and find something else to do together.” Impossible-Most-366
3. AITJ For Telling My Mom That My Brother's Spoiling His Life Because She Coddles Him?
“I have a brother named Jack who graduated high school last year. Our mom developed a lot of health conditions after having Jack, including a hospital visit that she almost didn’t come back from. She cannot afford to get stressed by arguing with Jack.
Jack knows this and takes advantage. My grandparents have tried to be authoritative with Jack, but it’s not much help because Jack knows at the end of the day, he can run to Mom and get his way by pushing her. Jack went to his dad’s house one weekend a month because he lived hours away.
I have no idea what his situation is or if he’s tried stepping up. (Anytime I ask mom she changes the subject or claims it’s not my business.) What I do know is that Jack claims his dad let him do whatever he wanted, so I don’t have much confidence.
Jack has already spoiled so many of his friendships and opportunities in life. Jack has a very friendly/charismatic personality. Always been popular. He can make friends and get opportunities easily, but he can’t keep most of them because of his behavior. Jack quit his third job a few weeks ago and Mom just found out.
She was on the phone with me in tears saying she doesn’t know what to do with him anymore and she doesn’t understand why Jack is spoiling his opportunities in life the way he does.
I did help my mom calm down first but I told her that he’s spoiling his opportunities in life because she’s coddled him so much.
And she should send Jack to a boot camp or some other program for people who need to learn the world doesn’t revolve around them. I know she still has a large settlement from my dad’s passing and that the funds gives her more of an advantage than a lot of other people have to work with.
If Jack refuses, he can move out and see how it is trying to live on his own and pay his own bills. Either way he’ll be forced to get his act together, but this is honestly long overdue.
My grandparents called me a few hours ago to say that they agreed Mom needs to start showing Jack tough love and they’ll do their best to back her up in that regard.
But they said I was wrong for telling Mom that Jack’s spoiling his opportunities in life because of her coddling. They said she already feels like she’s failed as a parent with Jack. And she still has a lot of insecurities over her health conditions and struggling to do things she could before she got sick.
So regardless of what I said, all she heard was that she was a failure as a parent and responsible for Jack’s spoiled opportunities in life. Are my grandparents right that I AITJ for that and I owe Mom an apology for saying that part?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I don’t think a boot camp/teen program is the way to go, they are highly abusive and awful. Many people have come out with stories of their mistreatment at these places & teens have even died at these places due to the awful conditions their put in.
I think your mom should just kick him out and make him get his own place & job. She should tell him that she’ll have to kick him out unless he is in education or gets a job & starts picking up after himself.” lightscameraaccion1
Another User Comments:
“Everyone is a jerk here You correctly answered the question, “Who is at fault?” No one was asking that question. The question was “What’s to be done” and your answer was “You’re at fault.” Do you see how you can be factually correct while being wholly irrelevant and unhelpful? Cathartic answers aren’t always helpful ones.” rlrlrlrlrlr
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for the simple reason of suggesting a boot camp/teen program considering they are on the news all the time for mistreatment. If you strongly believe this is the right approach to handling your brother than you might as well save the money, tie him up, toss him in a 4×4 closet with no light or toilet and go in to harm him a couple times a day, after 2 years of this all the money you saved can go right to therapy Or if you actually care about your brother which it doesn’t sound like you do you could skip the torture all together and actually just get him into therapy. He’s 19.
He’s not supposed to have his life together. ” throw1away9932s
2. AITJ For Not Wanting My Cousin's New Partner At My Birthday Party?
“I’ll be celebrating my 20th birthday with my family next week. I was really excited about it until this all happened, causing a huge situation where everyone from my family was telling me I was in the wrong, while my friends insisted I was right.
When we were chatting in the family group chat to figure out who could make it (I have a really large family, by the way), my aunt texted, “Hey, can Sarah come too?” It took me a minute to even realize who she was talking about.
Then I realized it was my cousin’s significant other. The reason I didn’t recognize the name is because they’ve only been together for a little over a month, and I’ve never met her.
Something important to note here is that I’m on the spectrum, and unknown factors really stress me out.
I’m sure she’s a really lovely girl, but I don’t know her. I know it will stress me out, so I don’t want her at my party.
I texted my mom this, she read it but didn’t respond. At this point, I was really starting to stress out about it, so I privately messaged my aunt and said, “Hey, Sarah is cousin’s significant other, right?
If I can be completely honest, because I myself haven’t met her yet, I’d prefer it if she didn’t come. I hope that’s okay.”
I texted my mom letting her know I took care of the situation myself and sent her my message as well.
She called me the next morning, telling me how what I did was incredibly rude, how it was mean of me to exclude this girl, how she’s just a part of the family now, and then she dropped the “Well I texted your aunt letting her know Sarah can come.”
I know to some, this might seem incredibly trivial, but to me, it’s a really big deal. To quickly put it into perspective, imagine having a birthday party and your family suddenly texts you, “Hey, is it okay if we make it spider-themed?” And you tell them that you have a phobia of spiders and how that would be incredibly stressful for you, and they go, “Yes, but we like spiders, so it doesn’t really matter.”
So when my mom said that, I panicked and got angry. I told her, “Well if that’s the case, you can hold it without me because I will not be coming,” and hung up. I know that was an overreaction, but it’s just this whole situation that rubs me the wrong way.
My mom knows I struggle with these kinds of things, so to them not even listen to me and just going over my head really stings.
Now that side of the family is upset with me, my mom hasn’t talked to me, and I don’t know what to do.
My friends, though, agree with me and think it’s unreasonable that I don’t have a say about it at my own party. I still don’t think I’m in the wrong. So Reddit, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- it’s between you and your aunt, and your response was perfectly reasonable.
Don’t get why your mum is meddling so much and being all dramatic about Sarah being part of the family (after ONE month). I would text your cousin directly, although your mum has now placed you in a very difficult position.” ShallWeStartThen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ regardless, but let’s explore your options. A) You apologize and let Sarah come B) You stand your ground, privately, to your mother C) You ignore your mother and address the issue directly with your aunt/cousin (about that, what does your cousin think about it?
Is HE insisting to let his significant other come?) D You make it semi-public, in the family group chat, explain with a video or audio how having someone you’ve never met at your birthday makes you uncomfortable. This would escalate the issue, but also at least a few family members would side with you and maybe that would make your mother come back to her senses The choice is yours.” Jazzlike_Tap8303
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Sure it’s your party and have whoever you want, but just dropping someone because you never met them is kind of a weak excuse since they will be coming with family. Also, I’m on the spectrum myself. I don’t use it as a crutch to avoid TRYING to connect with others.” Radman1889
1. AITJ For Being Upset That My In-Laws Gave My Baby Shower Gifts To My Mother-In-Law?
“I’m 8 months pregnant and had my baby shower recently. When I was throwing around the idea of having a shower my friend offered to throw me one. I got married less than 2 years ago and am showered out (I had 4) but I agreed to have 1 and was happy my friend was throwing one for me.
I told my friends and family I was only having one but they were more than welcome to come. My mother-in-law kept texting me asking when we would set a date. The second we set a date for it I told her. I also created my registry after lots of time and research on what I will be needing.
I in NO WAY expect people to buy anything for me honestly and feel guilty when people do. I use my registry as a list and fully expect to purchase what I need off of this list, it’s just a perk if someone gets it for me.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and my registry is pinging (I haven’t sent invites out yet). When I look it’s my husband’s cousins who I don’t know that well buying stuff off of it. The venue I booked for the shower was small and I had my guest list set already.
My mother-in-law then texted me asking if my husband’s cousins could bring their kids to the shower. (I sent gifts to all his cousins who sent me baby shower invites. I wasn’t going to send them invites and in no way expected any gifts from them.) we had an awkward conversation that they weren’t invited and it was going to just be my MIL sisters.
No one from her family marked anything else as purchased from the registry so I assumed maybe the aunts would bring the purchased stuff since it was marked as purchased on my registry or maybe they’d just return it.
We had my shower and it was great.
I mentioned to my husband that his cousins purchased some stuff off my registry I needed and didn’t give it to us so I was going to just buy it. But I was kinda bummed I wouldn’t get the completion discount and wish they would have waited or just not gotten me anything.
He then called me all excited and said his cousins have his mom all the stuff for her house. I told him the toys were for 0-6-month-olds and I wasn’t planning on dropping my child off with his mom when I’m home on leave and it’s annoying they marked it on the registry that I created. He said I’m being ungrateful but I just mainly feel
A.) irritated they mucked up my registry
B.) mad my MIL assumes she’ll be watching my kid so much that she feels she’ll need a house fully supplied.
AITA for being mad that my in-laws marked things as purchased on my registry and then gave them to my MIL?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So your husband’s cousins turned your shower into a Grandma shower for your MIL? That was odd. MIL must have sent them the registry and then told them to just give her the gifts. There’s no way you should be dropping off the baby when you’re on leave.
Your baby is NOT A LIBRARY BOOK! MIL does not get to just check her out when she wants to see her. Your husband needs to take off his mommy glasses and realize what’s going on.” FuzzyMom2005
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the registry is for things the parents need, not the grandparents.
She had some audacity inviting extended family without telling you but to take gifts from your registry as well. She sounds like a right piece of work.” eyy0g
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So, if I understand correctly, your friend threw a shower. You created a registry as one does.
You informed your mother-in-law of its existence. She NATURALLY told the extended family about it. They were excited, generous, and willing to buy stuff from it. This immediately upset you. Then, these same people weren’t invited to the shower. Since they had already purchased this stuff and were not invited, they gave it to your mother-in-law as they are on that side of the family, and thought it could be used/needed at her place eventually to hide their embarrassment at having this stuff you wanted but you couldn’t bear to have them invited because….reasons?
Would you prefer they come to your house, uninvited, and drop it off? And you are, once again, upset. Did I miss anything?” dart1126
