People Ask Us To Be Fair In Judging Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Not Getting My Daughter Cake On Her Birthday?
“I (34f) have two boys (10m and 8m) and my husband ‘Dirk’ (40m) has a daughter from another relationship ‘Gwen’ (just turned 6f). We are a healthful household and we teach moderation and control how much we take when we have treats. We are also very active and every day strive to get the boys moving.
However, Gwen is only here two weekends a month, and her mother has the exact opposite attitude.
In all honesty, that woman’s b***d type is probably ketchup. Similarly, Gwen is about 20lb heavier than a 5-year-old girl is supposed to be.
It makes me sad for this child and her health so when we get her I try to teach Gwen about healthy eating and moving around. We have the boys play with her so she’s getting active, and we make a distinction between foods that are healthy and ones that aren’t.
When I see one of the kids reaching for a ‘treat’ food in the pantry I’ll ask ‘Would you like to make a healthier choice?’ And Gwen is really getting it, she’s always going for better choices now and is also asking for fruit at home which is really good.
Gwen’s birthday ended up falling on one of her weekends with us, and while we were talking about what kind of cake to have, I asked Gwen about the healthier choice.
My reasoning is unfortunately she’s still getting all that garbage at home, and it’s just not good for a growing girl. She agreed and we decided to have some low-fat ice cream so she can still have a sweet treat. It’s a brand Gwen loves and asks for every time she’s here, so she was happy with it.
Until the next day after she went back to Mom. Her mom called us furious, she said then when Gwen got home and she asked about her birthday with us and her cake, Gwen started crying because she really did want cake but didn’t want to ‘make a bad choice’.
She accused me of fat-shaming her and her daughter and that I owe her a cake and a big apology.
I’m just looking out for the health of a child in my care, but I never said Gwen couldn’t have cake and she could have had one if she said she wanted one. I suggested sticking to ice cream because I care. But did I go about it in a jerk way?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She’s 6 and you are being punitive and heavy-handed because you’re so disgusted by her mother’s parenting and what you perceive as their diet. Being overweight at her age is not ideal at all but you’re not her primary parent and you need to take this as a wake-up call that she’s not internalizing your healthful lifestyle, she is seeking your approval even when she is distraught about doing it.
Low-fat foods are terrible alternatives because they have sugar to replace the flavor fat would add, so you’re not making much better choices.” wildferalfun
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. And if you don’t cut this behavior out, you’re going to give your stepdaughter an earring disorder. She’s SIX. Teaching her which foods are healthy is fine, but trying to limit her foods like this will backfire. She will binge and she will hide it from you.
I know I sound harsh, but I’m serious. Your ‘suggesting’ isn’t really suggesting I’m betting. If she’s already doing things just to please you, she looks up to you and wants you to love and be happy with her. Show and tell her you love her exactly as she is now.
Signed a three-hundred-pound lady with a binge eating disorder thanks to a mom like you.” DarkAndSparkly
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I understand it’s unhealthy to be overweight and you want to help the child, but you’re going about it the wrong way.
When you frame one choice as correct and the other as incorrect, you’re doing little more than pressuring the child and making her feel ashamed of her lifestyle + her family’s. She’s not really changing her preferences, just learning how to avoid your anger and judgment.
Arranging fun, active events for when she visits is fine.
If you want to encourage her to eat healthier, you could also not keep unhealthy snacks in the house at all, and have healthy alternatives readily available. That way you’re not singling her out and embarrassing her.
Beyond that, you can respectfully take up your concerns with her mother. It’s impolite to cut her out of the discussion about her own child, and it’s confusing for a 6-year-old to get such drastically different information from different adults in their lives.
Also, a slice of cake once a year never hurt anyone. Don’t you have any on your birthday?” repollo_queenofslugs
17. AITJ For Not Wanting Women To Drive For Me?
“When I (27M) was a kid, I had a traumatic experience and was in an accident on the school bus which was being driven by a lady. Since then I have always had a phobia of being a passenger in a vehicle being driven by a woman.
My mom did not drive and even when my older sister learned to drive, I refused to drive with her even though my other siblings did. I have my license but not a car and when I take public transit, I also take the next bus if a woman is driving.
This is a phobia and I do not think women should not drive or anything.
Recently my partner and I moved in together and she has a car.
She is really upset with me as, whenever we go out together I insist on driving her car. She says it feels like I am misogynistic when it is just a phobia. I said I would be ok taking public transit and she can drive her car and we could travel separately but she thinks that is not a solution and that I should ‘get over it’.
AITJ here? It is not like I am telling her she cannot drive and I apply this rule to everyone even when it inconveniences me.
I told her she was free to ask my family about my past.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and I’m gonna go ahead and say it: you have taken your trauma and used it as an excuse to be wildly misogynistic. The bus is not at fault to you, you can still get on a bus. That particular driver seems to not be the issue to you either, the issue was that she was a woman, for some reason.
You went through this whole accident, but the gender of the driver is the only thing that sticks? You’ve contrived a specific scenario of how that bus crash went down and have used it to justify your bias against women. Your brain has latched onto the idea that the bus crashed because a woman was driving, and now you will say you are too “traumatized” to allow any woman to drive you ever again.
Sorry to break it to you, but the bus driver being a woman had nothing to do with the bus crash, and you punishing every woman on earth for what happened with one woman bus driver is absolutely absurd. Also, wouldn’t you be in danger if any woman is driving near your car anyway? By your logic, if all women behind the wheel = danger, then you’re just in danger on the highway all the time if half the cars are being driving by women.
You are just a sexist jerk. I was assaulted by a man from work years ago, but I still interact with men every day in my workplace, because I’m a grown woman who got help and isn’t projecting my issues onto everyone else. Your bus crash from years ago has nothing to do with your need to avoid ALL women behind the wheel, you just don’t like women driving. Seek help for both your trauma and your hatred of women.” Ch-Ch-Ch-CherryBomb0
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You have an expectation due to trauma that cannot possibly be fulfilled. You can’t expect every driver in your life to be male, and you can’t expect every female driver to be bad.
This is a mental deviation on your part, and it’s something you need to strive to move past. You’re expecting everybody, for the rest of your life, to coddle you on this subject.
I’m so sorry, but you’re being selfish.
If this isn’t something you think you can move past on your own, please seek help. But, in this case, this is your issue, and although you have very valid reasons for your PTSD, you can’t keep blaming other people for it.” C**************e
Another User Comments:
“Out of curiosity, is there a particular reason you fixated on the gender of the bus driver?
Was the accident even her fault?
I know you say it isn’t misogynistic, but anything, where you discriminate against women, is, and you’re discriminating against female drivers. The fact that you fixated on the gender of the driver when her gender didn’t make her crash is what makes it misogynistic.
This is a genuine problem that is causing issues in your life. It makes it more difficult for you to get around, it’s causing friction with your partner, and even if you don’t believe you’re misogynistic, you at the very least appear to be to others.
It’s time to seek support in overcoming your trauma. Therapy is a great option, and has helped a lot of people overcome a variety of kinds of trauma. This problem is yours and you can’t expect other people to bear the burden when you’re not doing any work to lessen the weight.
YTJ.” Uhwhateverokay
16. AITJ For Not Eating Pasta That Was Drained In The Sink?
“I have (had?) a friend from university (we’re in our late 20s) that just moved to my city. She just bought a condo and asked if my husband and I wanted to see a movie at the 21+ theater by her place then she’d make dinner at hers. We have a toddler, so we were pretty excited to have some adult time.
We went out Saturday and saw the new John Wick movie, and had a great time drinking beer, catching up, and messing around in the reclining seats and stuff without worrying about having to censor our language for toddlers’ ears.
The issue started when we got back to her place and she started making dinner.
She was making pasta and salad. I brought a homemade strawberry cake because that was my friend and I’s ‘thing’ when we lived in the dorms. We didn’t have access to a kitchen so whenever I’d go visit family or friends for a weekend I’d always make this strawberry cake to bring back to the dorm to eat together and binge-watch movies all night.
She was making dinner and everything was good until she drained the pasta directly into the sink. Not using a colander or anything, she just put a different stopper in her sink so the pasta wouldn’t go down the drain but the water would drain. To her credit, the sink looked clean. Neither my husband nor I wanted to eat her dinner after that because we were pretty grossed out.
I’m not one to mince words but I also didn’t want to be a jerk about not eating the meal she prepared, so I was struggling with how to tell her we weren’t going to eat the pasta. This is what I remember saying to her and I think I didn’t have too harsh of a tone, but take this with a grain of salt, ‘We’ve had a great night with you and I missed you so much, but we don’t feel comfortable eating the food you made because you drained your pasta directly into the sink instead of using a colander… I know it’s a new place so your sink is probably clean and you haven’t unpacked all of your kitchen stuff, but we still don’t feel comfortable.
Can we take you out to eat instead?’
She responded by saying she doesn’t own a colander and her dad would always just drain pasta directly in the sink. She also said we must think she’s poor for offering to take her out to dinner instead of eating the food she made. I tried to clarify that we didn’t invite her out to eat because we thought she was poor but she cut me off and said we should leave if we were so disgusted by her.
We awkwardly left and ever since she’s been texting me that I’m a trashy friend for being classist (she grew up poor and in and out of foster care, and my husband and I grew up comfortably middle class) and that if I’m so worried about her gross food I should buy her a colander and apologize if we want to stay friends. I haven’t responded to her because I’m not sure how?
Both my husband and I apologized when we were leaving her house but I’m not sure much more we can do. Is it really that bad that we didn’t want to eat sink pasta?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if the sink was cleaned, some cleaners like bleach, etc are absolutely not ok mixing with food. Even if there weren’t leftover cleaning supplies or raw chicken juice, I’d still be absolutely grossed out.
And it’s not classist to strain pasta with a colander. They sell them at dollar stores and Ikea. You usually see them in every kitchen! I use mine all the time for things other than just pasta like putting the potatoes in as I clean off the skins, rinsing beans or berries in, draining fat off browned ground beef, etc. There are a ton of things that were messed up in our childhoods that we find out aren’t normal or healthy as we get older.
She probably just feels bad she didn’t realize that it wasn’t normal and is lashing out.” danigirl866
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Gagging just thinking about it. A sink can look clean, but unless it’s been disinfected/boiling water, oh never mind – it’s just gross. Did she put sauce on it after the water went down the drain? So gross. I would not have eaten it.
If you care about her, then buy her a nice colander and apologize.
How to apologize? Just tell her that you are very sorry for hurting her feelings/offending her. It was not meant as a personal attack, but you understand she took it as an insult. You care about her friendship and want to move forward.
The ball will then be in her court.” Retirednursey
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And probably no jerks here.
You were honest and tried to be accommodating.
Obviously, you touched a nerve and her reaction was amplified; perhaps she has been class-shamed in other relationships. But your and your husband’s health concerns were valid (even a clean-looking sink can harbor harmful germs or chemicals).
Give it time. One lesson of growing older is that some of our friendships from our teens and twenties do fall by the wayside for any number of reasons. Maybe you’ll be able to reconcile with each other, maybe not.
If the latter, though, consider it just part of the natural course of life and not something to put the blame on yourself for.” MisterEd1966
15. AITJ For Telling My Sister She's Overreacting Over A School Project?
“My (37f) sister (34f) is married to her husband (33m) and they have 7 kids in total, 3 kids from my sister’s first marriage (16f, 15f, 12m), her husband has 3 kids from his old marriage (15f, 14m and 11m) and they have one son together (5m), and are currently found out they are having another.
The 5-year-old, Jackson, is in Kindergarten and recently did an All About Me type of project wherein the kids list their favorite things.
On this sheet, they included ‘My Hero’ as well. On the sheet, he put my sister’s middle stepchild, who would be Jackson’s 14-year-old half-brother, Boston. He also mentioned Boston’s friends.
For context, my sister is a stay-at-home mom, and only her husband works, they had an agreement to not try to force relationships too hard, especially because her husband experienced that as a child.
Most of the kids don’t spend too much time with Jackson and never have, especially given the age gap between them.
Boston however was always very excited when they announced they were having a baby, and Boston always spent a lot of time with him, Boston’s friends did as well as they frequently go to each other’s houses. Boston and his friends are all athletes, doing various sports at the middle school. Boston still is a teenage boy, and he clashes with his bio siblings quite frequently, he’s very nice and a sweet boy but has a lot of energy and is very opinionated.
Jackson, like Boston, has shown an interest in sports, which makes them closer as Boston is the only kid out of the 6 older ones who play sports. Jackson has done soccer + baseball.
The issue is how my sister reacted to Jackson putting Boston + friends as his hero, I was at her house helping her bring in furniture she bought at the store for the new baby when we went to pick up Jackson.
He gave her the project after we walked in the door. She started asking him about the hero part and he was talking about how Boston and his friends are cool and how he wants to be like them when he grows up.
After Jackson went in his room, my sister was talking about how he was ‘ungrateful’, she said she could understand why Boston was there but went on about his friends being there, saying stuff like ‘Did Boston’s friends ever change his diaper?’, and ‘did they ever feed him?’.
She went on to say maybe she’d need to have Jackson spend less time with Boston and his friends.
I told her to stop being ridiculous and that Jackson is just a kid and he’s allowed to put who he wants on his project and that she should know that he loves her and her husband. She argued with me for a bit until we got back to dealing with the baby’s furniture and I thought everything was good.
However, later in the day I got a call from our parents telling me that I should apologize to my sister and they said I was being a ‘jerk’ for telling her she was overreacting, however, when I told my husband about it he agreed with me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are so far from being the jerk here. Your sister is basically complaining that her 5-year-old son actually likes and looks up to his older brother.
And, for once, it’s a great story about how the older brother’s friends are also supportive of, again, a literal 5-year-old.
I don’t know what kind of trip your sister is on, but her dragging your parents into it makes her overreaction even more extreme. I wish I had some advice for you. But, I’ve never known anyone IRL who was jealous of a relationship between literal children within the same family.
So, at least complete strangers approve of your message – if that’s worth anything.” PaganCHICK720
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister had a very odd and unreasonable reaction to her son’s project. If anything, she should be overjoyed that he named his bro as his hero. He’s FIVE, for Pete’s sake- she expects this project to be an existential show of gratitude toward her for raising him? Absolutely not – that is not remotely reasonable and you were right for suggesting she change her attitude towards it.
Hard to say whether your delivery brought you into jerk land if you were a real jerk in how you spoke to her maybe, but the sentiment you had is right.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“She’s raised now 4 kids of her own with 1 on the way, how has she not grasped that children actually have the minds of children when they’re 5?
I guess if I’m being generous, there is likely something else going on with this that made it triggering for her.
Maybe some pressurized insecurity about her staying at home and raising the kids and not getting recognized for it by her husband and peers that just happens to be venting out on this… Conventional wisdom is that little fights about silly things are almost always not about silly little things, but something bigger.
NTJ.” MaybeSometimesKinda
14. AITJ For Prioritizing Money?
“I (29F) and my partner (31M) keep having the same argument. He’s upset and annoyed with me because I don’t like the idea of him quitting his job and me footing all the bills so he can lead a happier life.
For some context, he’s an engineer and hates his job. It’s super boring and repetitive, the management sucks, very little progression or pay rises, and he has to cycle half an hour to get there in the wind and the rain. He’s worked there for 5 years and is always on the lookout for new jobs but I think he’s only applied for a few.
I also work full-time in a job I enjoy, where I get to work from home a lot.
(Though if I could quit or work part-time and live a free life I absolutely would. But obviously, that isn’t feasible.) I’ve changed jobs a couple of times to find better opportunities and am on a 10k better wage than my partner. We share a joint account for bills and otherwise keep things separate.
So my partner wants to quit his job and become a house husband as working is making him miserable.
He’s upset that when he suggests this, I’m not prepared to pay his half of the bills as well as mine (even though I could probably afford to if I weren’t to save any money per month). Obviously, I would support him if he were made redundant or fell ill, but to me quitting your job when you are able to work is different. If he was a true househusband doing everything in the house that might be ok, but as I do the majority of housework at the moment, I’m doubtful he’d pick up everything and it might end up with me working and coming home to housework like I do right now.
We said if we were to have children he could take the bulk of the shared parental leave and quit for like a year to look after the children, but I want him to resume working at least part-time to pay half the bills as soon as he can. And I’d also want to drop to part-time in that situation so I wouldn’t be able to afford all the bills then.
But he thinks because I like my job, his quitting should be the priority.
I think a different job would suit him much better e.g. working from home or working part-time, but he says he’d hate any job regardless of what it is, and quitting is the only way to be happy.
He says I’m not generous (reading between the lines, I think he means selfish) and that he’d do the same for me.
But he would never have to go through that situation, as I’m very determined to be financially independent when I can.
He acts like I’m uncaring because I don’t want to prioritize his happiness. He says money isn’t important to him so it shouldn’t matter, but although I’d like to think otherwise, having money is pretty important to me. Am I the jerk for prioritizing money and not letting him live his dream?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Work is just that – work. Not necessarily meant to be joyous or fun.
Your husband needs a different job that he likes better not to quit.
If he were remotely interested in being a ‘househusband’ he would be picking up more of the household chores currently.
You are more than likely correct that if he quit he would not pick up any extra chores.
Which would leave you paying all the bills and doing all the housework.
And what exactly would he be contributing?
Sounds like he wants zero responsibilities and someone else to pay his way in life. That gig is called being a kid and typically runs about between 18-22 yrs.
Sounds like you have a couple of difficult decisions to make.
But if it were me my partner would need to contribute to the household expenses and the chores, it is very concerning that he seems to not want to do either.
But then neither do the billions of us who have to.” Gladtobealive2020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Let’s be real, he wants a lazy life and you pay for it. It isn’t that he is unhappy with THIS work, no, he is unhappy with working in general or why doesn’t he try to find another job? And do someone really think he will start to do all the household chore, and cooks for you?
No, he will sleep in and play video games. You can still do the most because he does everything so badly in a few minutes that you need to redo it.
As I read you aren’t married. So ask yourself if you really want to stay with someone whose only goal is to live at your cost. It is easy to lose your job, he just needs to be late and work lazily.
And boom, he reached his goal. You are just 29, you have 50+ years in front of you. Do you really want a partner who doesn’t want to financial contribute anything, and nearly insults you because you don’t want to
finance his lazy dream life?” EvilFinch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if he has told you from the start of your relationship that he expected to be a house husband that’s one thing but you never agreed to this situation.
Yes, things change and partners should help each other when things get hard but he’s asking you to stretch yourself even thinner than you already have been to fully support him and take care of your household for… vibes.
Why would you willingly put yourself in a situation where you’d be living paycheck to paycheck? If you had kids you wouldn’t be able to afford them let alone save for their education or future, which isn’t fair to them.
Let him know that this is a firm boundary for you, you will not agree to him staying home long-term because he doesn’t like his job. Most people hate their jobs, but unfortunately, we’re all stuck existing under a capitalist system.
What do you get out of this lifestyle that would make things harder for you in order to let him spend the rest of his life in easy mode?” WestcoastX2023
13. AITJ For Telling My Son Not To Go Out To Our Yard Anymore?
“My son is 13 but looks quite a bit older. Both my wife and I are tall, but he’s set to pass me since he’s 5’10” and well-built. He’s a great kid, and I’ve never suspected him of saying or doing anything bad.
We have a big yard and garden, and he’ll go out there a lot to read or just mess around.
Now our neighbor’s yard is about 100 feet away, and there are these little patch of trees between us, but we don’t have fences so you can see into each other’s yards. We don’t really talk or know each other, but he’s got two daughters a bit younger than my son.
The other week, the neighbor comes and says my son is making his daughters uncomfortable. I asked if he did anything, and he says no not like that, it’s just he sort of intimidates them by hanging around the yard. I talked with my son and he confirmed he never even looks in that direction, he never talks to them or even heard or saw them being uncomfortable.
So I had a talk with my son earlier than I expected. I told him that sometimes, people are going to be uncomfortable around him.
That isn’t his fault or their fault, we just need to respect other people and make sure we aren’t imposing ourselves on others. I get it, I’m a big guy. I have to cross the street all the time because women will speed up when they see me, which I completely understand. I even try to stay in more to avoid that.
So I told my son that I’m not mad, but he probably shouldn’t linger out in the yard alone anymore.
He was upset but understood. My wife is furious, she says I should’ve talked to her first (and she’s right on that front) and that our son hasn’t done anything. I get that, but still, I don’t think he should be in the yard if he’s making other people uncomfortable.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. As a parent, you’re supposed to be your son’s advocate. You allowed your neighbor to judge your son on his appearance and then agree with neighbor and told your son that he shouldn’t go outside cause of it.
He can’t do anything about the way he looks, he was not doing anything wrong, he was simply reading in his own yard, which he should be able to do. He shouldn’t have to hide in his room because people shouldn’t have to look at him when they’re uncomfortable. This goes for anything he SHOULD NOT HAVE TO HIDE HIS APPEARANCE IN ANY CASE.
As you stated ‘This isn’t his fault or their fault, we need to respect other people and make sure we aren’t imposing ourselves on others’.
This is wrong, it’s their fault if they’re uncomfortable, you can respect boundaries, and the person but you the person are not troubling anyone, if they don’t want to be around you, they can leave at any time. No one is forcing them to stick around.
It shouldn’t bother neighbors but it does but that’s not your problem or your sons, it’s the neighbor’s problem and them telling you wasn’t okay.
Your child is a kid, and he took it lightly but he probably questioning himself what he did and his self-esteem. The way your conversation has been about was telling him that is okay to be different and that some people might not accept that.
Next time tell them to build a fence if it bothers them.
Your wife was right, talk to her next time so she can voice her opinion before you decide.” Dingjingding
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – meaning you and your adult neighbors.
Your wife is right to be angry because you did not discuss this with her before speaking to your son.
You just taught your son that his sheer presence makes people feel uncomfortable AT THE AGE OF 13 when he is simply existing and in his own space.
I get that big and tall men need to understand that they can appear intimidating just by their sheer size, and should take that into consideration in situations where it might matter, like on a dark street at night when other people aren’t around and passing space is limited.
And young men should also be taught not to use their size/height to intimidate someone unless they are truly defending themselves or someone with them from an aggressor (or they are participating in a sport LOL).
Your son is doing nothing wrong (according to what you have stated). If the parents of the girls don’t like it, then they can put up a fence or keep their daughters inside.” indendosha
Another User Comments:
“YTJ in all respects.
The neighbours give no reason that they are uncomfortable other than your son is there, in your yard doing his own thing and nothing to give the impression of trouble. He has every right to enjoy your yard and the neighbors have no right to dictate what he does in it. This is a problem the neighbors have not your son. If they have baggage then that needs to be addressed with a professional not by limiting your son to staying inside when alone.
Your insecurities as much as they may be empathetic to women are not a helpful or healthy behavior. Where you do nothing wrong (as is the case with your son) you should not model behavior that leaves him thinking he is at fault for other’s feelings about him for just existing or being in the same general area. This will only lead him to see himself as responsible for things he is not responsible for and develop self-resentment.
Restricting him is a complete jerk move and demonstrates incredibly bad behavior. He is not at fault just because he is a male doing nothing wrong. You are literally penalizing him because of XY chromosomes. Would you demand the neighbors have their daughters stay inside because their presence made him uncomfortable (which will probably happen now anyway) or is it only because it is your son? It would be worth asking the neighbor to do exactly that and see if they are in agreement as it would only be fair.
They are not respecting your son and neither are you. You are a bad father for imposing the neighbor’s unfounded concerns onto him for just enjoying the yard which he has every right to do without being punished by you and the neighbor for nothing.
If the neighbors are that worried ask them to organize a fence on their property and pay for it. Or schedule yard time for all the kids.
Your boy at one time and their girls at another.
Otherwise they can pound sand.” ApatheticApe_
12. AITJ For Wanting To Get My Donation Back?
“My friend ‘Melanie’ created a fundraiser account to help cover the cost of an expensive surgery for her dog.
At the time, Melanie’s long-term vet had retired. I warned her against another vet in town for poor reviews and having had a prior negative experience with my own pets.
But, when her dog began having mobility/pain issues, she chose this vet because it was the only office that had quick appointments available.
This vet told Melanie that the dog was likely in constant pain and the only way to alleviate the discomfort was corrective surgery, or else the quality of life wouldn’t ever be the same and the dog may have to be put down. Of course, this surgery was insanely expensive.
Melanie is single and lives alone, and the dog is her entire world. While she makes decent money, fronting the entire cost would have drained a good chunk of her savings and her credit is too poor to be able to charge that amount. Myself and the rest of the friend group agreed that we would make sure this surgery could happen and let Melanie know we’d pay for it.
Melanie insisted that she set up a fundraising account, even though we already told her that we would cover most of the cost. Melanie AGGRESSIVELY promoted this account on social media, and in general, behaved melodramatically about the whole thing. She got a considerable amount of additional people to donate.
And then… the dog got better. Melanie sought out a second opinion a few months later from another vet, who said they’d never heard of something so absurd as a dog with some arthritis issues needing such surgery when there was medication and other types of therapy available first. Basically, the dog will occasionally get stiff and be in some discomfort but is still young and relatively healthy.
So it has now been a year, and the dog is not getting surgery. But, Melanie cashed out close to 6k and never acknowledged that the money wasn’t spent on what was intended. She has, however, noticeably made some luxury purchases (designer bags, several tattoos, etc.)
I asked if she was planning on returning the money that was raised, and she was bewildered as to why she should. It ended with me directly asking for my portion to be returned. That conversation caused a huge rift and she is no longer speaking to me.
I’m especially disappointed because we’ve been friends for a long time and if the situation were reversed, I would be giving the money back to her immediately.
I seem to be the only one in the group that is mad that this just… went away. The others have basically told me that it’s none of my business what she does with the money we donated and that I should have kept my mouth shut.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Report her to the fundraising platform. They’re usually good about people who use it to trick others. What’s weird to me is that she went on a platform when you and your friends offered to pay for it. It seems like she was looking for a payday.
Ask for the money in writing, stating that you want it back since it wasn’t used for the intended purpose.
Her response can be used as proof for the platform or small claims. Just know that going that route might end the friendship.
NTJ” Whorible_wife69
Another User Comments:
“I agree with your decision not to report her. Yeah, she kind of sucks for not returning the donations once she knew for sure she wasn’t going to use the money as intended, but by the time she knew for sure the money was probably spent.
Reporting her seems pretty harsh if her intention wasn’t fraudulent. Suggestions of calling the police though? That is absolutely overreacting and has the potential to really damage her life. Why involve the police unless you really think she should be in jail? Do people really think that police are there to give people a polite scolding, a stern warning, or an etiquette lesson? Involving the police has the potential to put your friend in jail.
That’s what police do.
You’re NTJ, and it was good of you to help her out by donating. It sucks that she wasn’t as gracious once she realized that her needs had changed. But her being tacky about it doesn’t negate the fact that you did a kind thing to help a friend. I hope the next time you act out of kindness and generosity that your effort is appreciated and reciprocated.” E_wrecked_99
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If my money was given and received specifically for the surgery for the animal, I would absolutely not be ok her just deciding to keep the money and blow it on herself when the animal no longer needed the surgery. What?! I cannot believe she doesn’t see and isn’t willing to when it was brought up to her just how wrong that is. And your friends that don’t want their donations back are enabling this person to take advantage of you all.
I’d be mad and I’d be done with her until she came to her senses. I would not be around someone who flaunted all the new items my friends and I purchased for her via the dog’s surgical fund.” Appropriate_Chain388
11. AITJ For Making My Husband Take Care Of The Kids For Two Days?
“I (24f) have 2 sets of twins first set are 5 years old boys and the second set are 3-year-old girls.
My husband (27) always complains that the house isn’t up to his standards and that it’s a mess or that I sometimes put on frozen meals instead of cooking a fresh dinner.
It’s super irritating because I’m expected to do everything just because I work from home he thinks that I have an easier job than his which is physical labor.
I can never do anything because when he has time off all he wants to do is sleep and says he needs it because he is exhausted from work or he wants to use his break to hang with his friends.
So basically all the chores are usually thrown on me and I had enough of it and it came to show when my friend called me to hang out and when I asked my husband to watch them so I can go he went into a rant about how he’s tired and been working all week and the least I could do is watch the children so that he could get some rest because I’m home all day with easy work.
So I decided after I put the children to sleep that night to leave a note saying that I’ll be out just to leave and have a night out with the girls which ended up turning into a weekend out with the girls.
When morning time came he was calling and texting me nonstop and when I answered he was yelling at me and cursing me out when my friends overheard the conversation they were shocked and hung up the phone for me and told me to mute it.
I didn’t have any plans to stay any longer than that night but when my friends overheard how my husband spoke to me they convinced me to stay and even told me they’d take me out to eat and planned a whole day for me.
When I got back the place was a complete and utter mess like a pile full of dishes, garbage all over the place, floors were sticky, there was pee all over the toilet and the place just smelled awful.
My husband of course was angry and had a suitcase already packed he barely said 2 words to me and just left and texted me saying he’ll be staying at his mom’s. Now I feel horrible because clearly he couldn’t handle taking care of the kids for this long by himself and I feel like a jerk and don’t want this to ruin my marriage.
Do you all think I’m a jerk for the way I acted?”
Another User Comments:
“WHAT?!?! Are you serious? NTJ. Your husband is a jerk to the hundredth degree. Does he realize he has 4 children and he is responsible for physically taking care of them as well as being financially responsible for them? Is he one of those men who think they don’t have to contribute anything except money to the relationship and household? Because he sounds like a terrible partner and a pretty terrible dad, too.
I don’t know if he’s always been this way or if it’s new, but you need to find a way to set him straight. It’s not solely your job to raise your children, it’s both of yours.
If he can have time to hang out with friends, so can you. I don’t know why people put up with trashy partners like this, but please realize your worth and make your partner realize your worth because you deserve so much better than this nonsense.” LeisurelyLife710
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You already don’t have a marriage. You have a king/servant relationship. He has all the benefits and you do all the work. He takes and takes and then cusses you out for not giving enough.
In short, he’s acting like a child himself. So you have been mothering five children, four of whom are under 6. I’m amazed you haven’t passed out from exhaustion and proud of you for taking the initiative to go with your friends despite your husband’s ‘orders’ that you stay home.
I’m also proud of your friends for keeping you out longer so you could rest and relax a little.
If your husband’s mother took him in and didn’t talk some sense into him, then let him stay there. Raising four kids on your own is hard (you’ve already been doing it), but adding an entitled and abusive husband on top of that is harder. Sounds like you have a good group of friends to help you get through all of this, which is great.” The-Answer-Is-57
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
Your husband has proven himself incapable of looking after HIS children for one day so you can have a bit of me-time. He also refuses to clean the house where he lives or cook his food for him to eat. It sounds like you have 5 children, not 4. The fact that he cannot see how poorly he has behaved and how terribly he has treated you is an indication that he thinks having a wife means having someone to wait on him hand and foot simply because he works outside of the home, rather than in it.
I’m really sorry that he’s treating you this way. If he is incapable of changing his attitude towards you and your role as his wife then maybe he needs to be on his own for a while to learn how to be an adult. And if you think you can’t do it on your own with 4 small children remember that you’ve been doing it on your own this whole time.
All the best.” Suitable_Till_7643
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Use Cloth Diapers On My Baby?
“My MIL has never had any respect for me. But now that I am pregnant she ‘cares’. She is such a piece of work, she never realized her son got married til our first anniversary even when we told her we were engaged, and then sent pictures of us in the courthouse.
She called my husband saying she is sending cloth diapers to our house. My husband said to talk to me because I’m in charge of the registry. She got mad at him for not having the registry. I love the idea of cloth diapers, I’m all for saving the planet and reducing waste. But we live in an apartment. We have to drive 15/20 minutes for a laundry mat and it cost 15-20 dollars a load.
There is a laundromat at our complex but it’s crazy expensive and we keep losing the card to use it. Here are the copy-pasted messages:
Me: ‘I’d rather not have cloth diapers because we have to drive 15 minutes to a laundromat. And it costs 10-20 dollars to do laundry. We just won’t be able to wash them enough, I found the brand Dyper at Walmart it’s environmentally friendly and relatively cheap, and we plan on buying those.
But we will take whatever people give us. Just cloth diapers wouldn’t work out since we don’t have immediate access to a washer and dryer.’
MIL: ‘Whatever’
Me: ‘I’ve sent you the registry, if you need it again let me know!’
MIL: ‘I don’t need it again’
Me: ‘Well you can look at what we need’
MIL: ‘I don’t know who you think you are talking to.
I tried to be nice. You are rude and disrespectful. Don’t try me’
Like, where were you trying to be nice?
I was being respectful up until she started cussing, if you can’t handle what you dish out keep your mouth shut. She then blocked me. I told my husband until she unblocks me and apologizes like an adult she isn’t seeing this child. He keeps saying it’s her grandchild.
Well, it’s my baby. No one who is rude to me will be near my child.
So AITJ for not letting my MIL near my baby?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Anyone who behaves this way doesn’t get to be in the child’s life until they can fix their attitude. No way does she move in… you don’t need that stress.
Cloth diapers do make great burp clothes, though. We used cloth diaper flats for lots of stuff other than diapering.
If you want cloth diapers, is there a diaper service in your area? They are AWESOME. They provide the diapers, pails, and instructions. Once a week, they drop off new ones and pick up the used ones and do all the cleaning of the used ones.” Algebralovr
Another User Comments:
“Two wrongs don’t make a right. You both are crappy in those messages.
MIL’s reaction was crappy. It’s crappy of you to be picky and choosy about a gift. Understandable if you don’t want to use cloth diapers for whatever reason.
But don’t be upset about a gift you don’t want, just don’t use it.
MIL’s reaction to your husband not having the registry is over the top. I created most of my baby registry. But my husband is informed and can speak about the registry. I personally find it odd your husband would direct his mom to you over this instead of explaining why cloth diapers won’t be something you two would utilize, although all gifts regardless are appreciated.
You and MIL don’t have a loving relationship. You said nothing about her being dangerous to a baby. To not allow your husband’s mother near the baby because she was rude to you is weaponizing the baby. If both you and your husband are choosing to no longer have a relationship with his mother.. then understandable she wouldn’t have contact with the child. If that’s not the case, then YTJ.” RaeKn47
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Have a serious talk with your husband. Because if he takes the baby to his mom, or invites her over and lets her in? You will have to deal with that.
You and he need to be a united front against his mother. Or you need to recognize that he will allow and facilitate his mother abusing you.
If you can’t count on him, go home to your parents to have the baby.
And stay there while you sort out legal issues.
Hopefully, your husband knows the difference between his family and his mother. But if you read here often, you’ll see what actually happens.
Best luck. Take care of yourself.” VerrigationSensation
9. AITJ For Wanting To Get My $2?
“I (22M) was with my friends and we all ordered Taco Bell. The order was placed on my phone using my debit card. The next day, I sent out Venmo requests to everyone for what they got. Everyone paid me quickly except for one person, who just got a drink.
Weeks had gone by, and I pressed the ‘remind’ button on Venmo to see if that would provoke him to pay the request. That did not, and eventually a year passed. I have seen him pay other people on Venmo, so he must have seen the request.
I brought this situation up to my other friends and said I wanted to text the guy to remind him about Venmo, but my friends told me I should just drop it since it was only two dollars. They had told me that pestering someone for about 2$ was cheap and unnecessary. It was my friend after all, and they argued that friends should spot each other for stuff like this.
While this person was in my friend group, I wasn’t particularly close to them, so it’s not like they were ever covering me for anything, nor did I expect them to. I was quite frankly shocked that anyone thought it was ok for someone to just ignore the fact that they owed money, regardless of how small.
I get that it’s only 2$, but that applies both ways. If it’s only 2$ why can’t he pay me?
Also, I was already helping everyone out by placing the order and calculating how much everyone owed, so I don’t understand why I should be paying for other people on top of that.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He still owes you money, it is as simple as that.
Having said that, there is a point where you are not technically a jerk, but you will gain a reputation for being overly a**l and holding grudges.
I am pretty sure this point is long gone by now here…
Take this as a teaching moment – it cost you $2 to learn that this friend is a jerk and shouldn’t be trusted with money. Next time they pay upfront or they get nothing.” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with ‘everyone sucks here’.
Your ‘friend’ sucks. To ignore the 2 bucks request is a jerk move. If it’s such a small and inconsequential amount, why doesn’t he pay it?
Did you do something to offend him that made him feel like you owed him the drink? Did you ever bring it up to him? Does he understand why he’s been requested 2 bucks?
You for not dropping it and finding a different way to deal with this. You don’t harp on for a year over 2 bucks. It’s not coming back. You can decide what course of action you’re going to take because of this, i.e stop being friends with this person or having them buy you something and not paying them back (which could also cause more issues and drama, but it would be fair, in my opinion; as long as its the monetary equivalent and you make a point to ask for your 2 bucks back first before you pay him back his) but you can’t keep going on and on about it expecting him to just pay it.
He’s not going to. Find a different way to deal with this before you annoy more people.” ratakat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, delete it off your account, or not, it is up to you, but you can certainly keep it in your mind. That guy knows he owes it and he knows to not ask you for money because you are sure to bring up that he never paid you back before.
In which case, those 2 dollars are really working hard for you. It also only cost you 2 dollars to learn how often people make empty promises with sincere smiles on their faces about paying back money, even for tiny amounts when they have no intentions to.
Never be the one fronting the money. Others will argue that 2 dollars are nothing, but it is the principle of being taken for a ride, and maybe they have never experienced being so poor that two dollars buy quite a lot of noodles, or a loaf of bread to last over several days.” User
8. AITJ For Wanting To Spend More Time With The Kids?
“I used to work 3 days a week, 12-hour shifts. I have 2 kids (7, 14) with my ex and one child with my current partner (almost a year old), whom I live with. My 7-year-old also lives primarily with me, while my 14-year-old lives primarily with my ex. I don’t get any child support because a judge decided the amount should be zero.
I decided recently to stop working so much and only work 1 day a week now for multiple reasons.
One, my partner is having trouble helping me take my son to school on the days I work as he goes to school 25 min away from his house. It’s my son, so I don’t feel like he should be forced to do this just because I am working. Secondly, I just want to spend more time with my sons and baby at home.
Because I will now only be making 1100/month (I’ll likely be able to get some state funds for me and my son and food stamps) I canceled my older son’s phone that I was paying for and texted him this, along with letting him know I would be working a lot less so could no longer buy him much anymore when he is at my house like snacks, candy, clothes, streaming services, etc. My partner doesn’t really contribute much to my own kids as they aren’t his (but he does let us live with him rent-free), so I never ask him to.
My ex was pressuring me to swap my older son’s phone to his line anyway so he could get him a new phone with parental controls and he buys him clothes, etc since he lives with him so it’s not like he is missing out on that much.
Well, my son got mad at me and told me I was a jerk and he felt bad for his brother who had to live with me and that I shouldn’t be working less if I couldn’t afford to take care of him and his brother at my house.
I can take care of them fine still, they just won’t get all the nice new clothes, sneakers, snacks, vacations, etc. that they used to have (which are privileges, not rights). I told him plenty of parents are stay-at-home moms and dads so what was the problem?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
In my opinion, government aid/food stamps should be used by those who NEED them, not by those who have the choice and feel like working less.
If your work schedule presented challenges, a reasonable solution would be to find an alternative income source before making a change.
Instead, you’re choosing to stay home at the expense of your son’s quality of life. A phone, clothes, snacks, and streaming services are privileges sure, but not unreasonable privileges. They’re not an $80,000 car when he turns 16 or yearly trips to Disney. Your son should not go without because you don’t feel like providing anymore.
You’re being selfish.
Don’t be surprised when your son decides to stop visiting.
Speaking of privilege, being a stay-at-home mom is a privilege, let’s not forget that.” apothekryptic
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, specifically for planning to get state funds and food stamps to help support your decision not to work. That’s NOT what those programs are meant for. You will be literally taking help from people who don’t have the financial freedom to just decide they don’t want to work.
Hopefully, the state agencies will see that you voluntarily reduced your hours and disqualify you from receiving aid – plus at least where I am, the income of everyone in the home is considered in eligibility for aid, married or not, so be aware of that when you’re making your plans.
If you’re able to afford to reduce your hours and spend more time home with your kids without misusing aid programs, then you wouldn’t be a jerk.” iopele
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The problem is your setting aside time, according to you, not just to make things easier, but to stay home and be with your two younger kids more (which isn’t the problem in and of itself) the issue is, you don’t see your older son, what little you didn’t contribute to, you’re now cutting off… so you already don’t see him often, and now you’re giving more of your time to his younger siblings while taking what little you are contributing from him.
It’s not about what his dad is able to contribute and make up for, it’s about your lack of involvement and sacrifices for his siblings that affect him in no positive way. He doesn’t even get added time with you.
YTJ.” Tall-Cardiologist621
7. AITJ For Renting A Goat To Work On The Yard?
“So I (30M) hate cutting grass. Hate it, hate it, hate it. The sound of the lawn mower makes me wish I could take my ears off like Mr. Potato Head and lock them in a box.
It hurts my shoulder (I got injured in HS and it never healed right) and I might be the only person in the world who doesn’t like the smell of cut grass and gasoline.
This week was the very first week this year that I would need to cut the grass. We live in a fairly warm state, and the HOA is very strict about it. We even have little flags at the front of the yard that the grass isn’t allowed to get taller than.
So the point is. The lawn needs to be mowed. I don’t want to do it. My wife can’t because the last time she mowed a lawn she tipped into a lake.
Just so happens that I know a guy who owns a goat, and I offer him $20 to bring it over to eat the grass for me.
The goat eats the grass, we keep her away from the neighbor’s yards, and the goat goes home.
It was great! Way better than mowing.
Except now my wife is mad because some of the neighbors saw the goat and think it’s hysterical that we had a goat doing yard work for us. She’s mad that I made us look like ‘weird hicks’ in front of all of her friends. I don’t care if they think we’re a little weird, I’m happy to be laughed at if it means saving myself from the headache-inducing sound of a lawn mower.
But now she’s making weird comments around the house about getting a horse to carry groceries, or a chicken to clean the windows since there’s no man in the house who can. I didn’t expect her to react so negatively to a goat, but maybe I’m missing something.
So was I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you should take it to the next level and just go along with her comments as funny jokes.
Maybe come up with some options of your own to add to them. Meanwhile, feel great that you have actually saved a bit of money cause hiring someone to do the work is more than $20, plus you are contributing to the food supply (after all the grass the goat eats is being used by the goat for nutrition). You don’t have to watch the goat (or do you?) – the grass is at the level it is supposed to be and you’ve made yourselves a name.
You could put a sign on the porch if allowed by the HOA, something like ‘This lawn maintained by goats’ or something funny like that – or maybe in a window. Make it fun.” Goodkitty777
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, come on! Hire someone to cut your grass or cut it yourself! Simple as that, having a goat eat your grass as a substitute for a lawnmower in a residential neighborhood is ridiculous!
I’d be questioning your manhood as well. And the fact you did this without mentioning it to your wife also speaks volumes! You might want to correct this quickly, you’d be surprised how many small things end up being the straw that broke the camel’s back! You probably have other areas where you make ludicrous decisions, just saying! YTJ” adn00033
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your wife has weird insecurities about her neighbor’s opinion of her.
That’s not your fault. But since it’s her house and her lawn, she is allowed to have a weird complex.
Likewise, since it’s also your house and your lawn, you are allowed to get a goat… providing your wife agrees.
Honestly, this whole thing sounds like a minor issue.
If it was me, I would rip up the front lawn and plant a garden. Bushes, trees, little plants, etc. It’ll be way less costly to maintain.
‘wife can’t mow because she tipped into a lake’
No… she WON’T mow.
There’s a difference between can’t and won’t. She’s refusing to learn so that she doesn’t have to do the job. It’s called weaponized incompetence.” User
6. AITJ For Hiding Soda?
“I love soda. I don’t drink it nearly as much as I used to, but I’ll buy a can every other day or so.
At my old job, I would buy a 12-pack to keep in the fridge at work and I’d drink some on my shifts, which was like 3-4 days a week. My husband hates soda and doesn’t like that I drink it. Whenever he sees me drinking soda or if I take a can home with me, he’ll make a comment like ‘You shouldn’t be drinking that’.
It’s annoying. I don’t do that for the unhealthy crap he eats. Even though I don’t like ice cream, I don’t tell him not to eat it and he eats it very frequently.
After I got injured in December, I bought a 12-pack and kept it in my undergarments drawer since I wasn’t going to work for a month. I didn’t want to hear his complaints about it.
he once saw I had a 12-pack in the fridge and went ‘Really’ and rolled his eyes at me. I don’t need his judgment. After I finished that one at the end of January, I bought another for February. He ended up finding that one and he asked why I was hiding it. I told him that he always makes comments about me drinking it and I didn’t wanna hear his judgment so I hid it and only drank them when he wasn’t home or was asleep.
He seemed kinda upset about me hiding it, but it wasn’t a huge deal as far as I know. I recently bought another 12-pack and since he knows where I put it last time, I found another place in the back of a cabinet that’s rarely ever opened. I’m really anxious that he’s going to find it and scold me. He wants me to stop drinking them but I like soda.
I know it’s not good for me. I don’t particularly care. We all have vices and this is mine. Am I wrong for hiding this from him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your husband definitely is.
If he doesn’t like soda, great. He doesn’t have to drink it. That’s perfectly within the wheelhouse of his rights. What’s not in that wheelhouse, however, is whether or not you drink soda.
Shaming you for doing so to the point that you have to hide soda in the house and drink it in secret when he isn’t around is absurd. This isn’t an advice sub, but I’m gonna give you some anyway: Stop hiding the soda. Do what makes you happy and let him know that he doesn’t have to like it, but he does have to keep his shame and judgment to himself.” Glitter_Voldemort
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – I only say this over NTJ because you are clearly not dealing with things in a healthy manner and you know it. He shouldn’t be so overbearing that you feel like you have to police your own behavior but also your calling his comments ‘complaints’ tells me that there is a complete breakdown in respect and kindness towards each other.
This soda incident happens to be at the forefront of the discussion but I can imagine that there are issues that run deeper, and this is just the inflamed pustule causing discomfort while the root cause of the gangrenous infection needs to be treated.
Best of luck!” WanderingToast
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you have every right to drink soda without judgment. But is it possible he felt offended because he didn’t realize how his comments were hurting you, and wishes you’d trusted him enough to tell him you wanted him to stop rather than resorting to hiding it from him? Not saying that makes you a jerk, just saying the problem may be a communication issue more than anything, and if you haven’t yet, you should try telling him clearly that you’re going to be drinking soda and it bothers you when he shames you for it, then keeping it in the fridge and drinking it openly around him.
If he still doesn’t stop after that, then he’s being a jerk, but if he does, it’ll be a healthier situation for both of you.” GeneratedUserName81
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Get My Outfit Pre-Approved?
“My (29F) friend Kate (28) has a significant other, Jamie (29), whom she has been with for nearly 3 years. We met Jamie on a night out, and I would say that although he’s Kate’s SO I consider him a friend. We share an interest in a particular sport that we text about sometimes and if I have a spare hospitality ticket to one of the sporting fixtures, I will sometimes invite Jamie to go.
Jamie’s 30th is coming up and Jamie and Kate planned a big party, and I peripherally helped out with logistics when asked.
A few days ago, Kate texted me. She asked if I wouldn’t mind ‘toning down’ my look for the party and if I could send her a picture of what I was planning to wear. I asked her what this meant and after asking several times if she ‘really had to say it’ she asked if I could dress (verbatim) ‘basically what (I) would consider frumpy’ because she really didn’t want to be outshone at her own SO’s birthday party.
When I didn’t reply right away she went on to say that she wanted Jamie’s full attention that night, which she wouldn’t get if I showed up dressed properly.
I was a bit annoyed by what she was implying so I said if I was going to be so much of a concern for her, I’d rather just politely decline the invitation. Kate freaked out saying I was being immature by not coming just because I couldn’t steal the spotlight.
I said it wasn’t about that, it was about her making me responsible for whether or not I draw her partner’s attention, which is something I’ve never tried to do nor done as far as I’m aware. She then said it was really important to Jamie that she stands out because his friends and colleagues would be there. I just told her that again, if she was so worried I was going to be distracting everyone, I’d rather not come than feel humiliated from now until the event.
I said I would send her Jamie’s gift and she could tell him why I wasn’t coming.
I guess she didn’t tell him the reason because Jamie messaged me saying he knows I’m ‘booked’ the night of the party but he’d really like it if I could be there and asked if I could reorganize so I could come. I hadn’t replied, but I got a message from Kate saying she knows Jamie is trying to get me to come and please could I just put my pride aside and come to the party.
I asked if she was going to ditch the outfit policing, but she said no, so I said I would not be coming. She didn’t reply, but I’ve since received a couple of texts from mutual friends saying that while her request is ridiculous, Kate is aware of that, she’s just desperate to be seen a certain way and even if it’s pathetic I would probably feel the same way in her shoes.
Other friends I’ve told (who don’t know Kate) say I should not bow to the pressure and that she’s nuts for even asking, and I don’t disagree, but also I feel bad skipping the party when it’s Jamie’s birthday and he asked specifically that I come. So, should I be going?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The reality is that there will always be more attractive people than Kate or anyone in the room or in the world.
The thing Kate needs is to work on her self-esteem. What if Jamie’s friend shows up and is a super attractive woman? Is Kate going to flip out? What if Jamie’s coworkers are also super hot? When will Kate ever measure up? Because all that matters is what Jamie thinks and obviously 3 years
should be enough for Kate to be confident about his feelings for her.
I will say it’s odd that Kate hasn’t met his friends and colleagues.
And if she has, why she’s feeling like she needs to be extra impressive? I personally feel like this is an excuse. She sounds like she’s been insecure about Jamie and OP’s relationship thus this ask.
I think you were respectful in declining. Since Jamie wants you there and you’re also friends beyond knowing him as Kate’s SO, you can tell him what’s going on. You can say the reason you declined is due to Kate’s ask.
Say you understand she wants to make a good impression and be the apple of his eye but you found it incredibly rude and inappropriate to ask for outfit approval. Suggest that Jamie and Kate consider couples counseling since she seems to have major insecurities and that you hope he has a wonderful birthday party and that you can see him at the next sporting event. No drama, just honesty and still being respectful of Kate’s feelings by not going.” archetyping101
Another User Comments:
“NTJ here.
Kate is clearly feeling insecure in the relationship, and she’s uncomfortable with the fact that you and Jamie have such a close relationship and is feeling threatened about it. She didn’t have the right to dictate how you dressed up for the party, and she definitely had zero right to get mad at you for not wanting to go if she was constantly going to be hating you for looking nice.
On top of that, it’s really trashy that she flat-out lied to Jamie about why you weren’t coming. She told him that you were booked when in reality you were there because of her. I don’t think that Jamie would appreciate that if he found out the real reason, and she knows this because otherwise, she would have been upfront about it.
I think you should give Kate some space for a while.
While I’m still on the fence about you telling Jamie what happened, I think you should only do it if he asks you. You still run the risk of Kate controlling the narrative, which is dangerous because she’s made it very clear that she has zero problems painting you as the bad guy and lying to him, but if you go and just tell him then it risks causing bigger problems than you have already because Kate’s likely going to go nuts about it since she lied to him.
At the end of the day, I think the next step is you sending both of them a message and telling them that they should probably sit down and talk to each other. You don’t have to go into details about what happened unless asked, but you can say that you have a feeling that they have some stuff that needs to be worked out that you feel you’re getting dragged into.
I feel like Jamie might be understanding, but Kate would go crazy because she’d feel called out. But at this point, it seems like she’s just her own worst enemy. If she’d just not been a crazily insecure partner, none of this would have ever happened.” IcelandicChocolate
Another User Comments:
“NTJ of course. You aren’t responsible for other people’s views of you or feelings about you and the way you look.
That said, it’s odd to me that there is such a freak-out about you not attending. It’s weird that Jamie ‘knows’ you can’t attend but is still asking you to reschedule and be there. Katie’s reactions to your looks and not coming to the party tell me that Jamie has a crush on you and is upset that you won’t be there, and Katie is terrified that he’s going to find out why.
While Katie is being unreasonable, given the situation, I’d sit down with Katie and be very open and honest instead of causing trouble with Jamie. We can all act like idiots when we are scared. If you really would never ever date Jamie, tell her that. But I’ll say this – it’s time to decide whether you would ultimately be Team Katie or Team Jamie because if they ever broke up after years and you dated Jamie, your friendship with Katie is over.” obtusewisdom
4. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mom To Celebrate Her Birthday On My Daughter's Birthday?
“I (25F) had my daughter on April 15th of last year. I was super excited that her first birthday falls on a Saturday so I could have her party on an actual day. Mind you, my whole family is aware that I’ve been planning for her party to be on the 15th. My mom’s (49F) 50th birthday is on April 12th and she recently announced her party will be on the 15th as well.
I asked my mom why she couldn’t have her party the weekend before and she said because that’s when my niece’s 3rd birthday party is.
I asked why she couldn’t have it the weekend after and she said that she will be busy and there was no point in having it two weeks after because that was too far away. She also said she can’t have it on Friday because it’s not convenient.
Her party will be starting at 6 which really means she will be busy from 2 pm going forward as she has to set up, get the party ready, etc. I didn’t want to have my daughter’s party super early because that also isn’t convenient for the majority of my family who works late. My dad, sister, and I all work late nights so I know everyone likes to sleep in a little on the weekend.
I wanted to get sweets and different foods for my daughter’s party and be able to spend the day with her and my family and really focus on her because it’s her first birthday and I know she won’t remember but I will.
I bought her party decorations months in advance, have had the theme picked out, and honestly just excited for it for months. I never had big parties when I was young so I guess I just wanted to go all out for my daughter and have her birthday be all about her.
To top it off my mom is hosting the party at a bar and asked me to find a babysitter for my daughter but I want to be with her on her birthday and spoil her all day.
I feel like everyone is going to be rushed at her party because they have to get ready for my mom’s and my mom doesn’t live super close and the bar is a bit of a drive from where the rest of us live.
Not sure if I’m being sensitive but I told my mom I’m not happy that she’s doing this on my daughter’s birthday and it’s honestly stupid. She got mad at me and told me I’m being a jerk. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Take the reasons out for having parties – because quite frankly, both are great reasons for celebrating and should be!
At the end of the day, the family has known you’re planning a party on this date.
Your mom had plenty of time to object and say she wanted that day. She is inviting the same people you invited, which means she’s intentionally creating a conflict that interferes with your event. There were other options and even compromises! She could’ve shared the party, she could have booked something closer to you so the guests wouldn’t have to choose – she is intending to override an event you planned, and unfortunately, people might have to choose.
Everyone fixating on ‘Baby vs 50th’ seems to have forgotten that planning parties to conflict with other events is an 80’s-90’s movie mean girl move. And that’s why I think people are being unfair.
Besides – who does that to their child? At least apologize and figure out a way to make it up – OP’s mom literally decided ‘Hey, my daughter’s feelings don’t matter’.” Floating-Cynic
Another User Comments:
“She choose to do her birthday party the same day as your daughter’s birthday, she knew you wanted to do a party on that day, and she knows the party we’ll be about you and your daughter. She couldn’t take it.
MOM: OMG one event, one day there isn’t about me? How can I make it about me? How do I make it ALL about me? Can I ruin it for anyone who dared to think they can matter when I EXIST in the process?
She killed all the birds with one stone. She sounds awful. I can see why you would not have birthdays or be celebrated when you were a kid. I’m actually amazed your mom was able to get her head out of her butt even for a second to raise you.
She could have made it another day. She could have made a smaller event later on the day. She could have even asked if you could make the events together so she can celebrate herself and her granddaughter and you and not take away your ability to have a good day.
She only thinks about herself. I would talk to the people that matter and ask them to stay at your event, in case they wanna make part of your life and your daughter’s.
Your mother is acting like a teenage bully. It’s a power thing, it’s a control thing, it’s fully egoistic and actually disgusting behavior on her part. She does not care about her granddaughter and she definitely does not care about you.
She did this deliberately to hurt you and make herself the center of attention.
You are being too patient, you are indulging her behavior by not telling her like it is. I would go with no contact if she refuses to see what she’s doing (she knows) or refuses to cancel. You are NTJ.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It speaks volumes about your mother that no one is planning her 50th birthday in and of itself.
It is a kicker that her favorite child isn’t even planning it.
She is making it as inconvenient as possible for people to choose to celebrate her like anyone that bothers to drive all the way is going to give her a major ego stroke.
I personally don’t see any consideration for you, her granddaughter, or anyone she wants to celebrate with. No bar is worth inconveniencing every guest. And how is she going to make it home safely?
Is she expecting someone to pay her cab fare? Is she expecting people to drive all the way out to be designated drivers? Then there are instances like yours where you’d literally be paying to be there, and if you’re breastfeeding- can’t really enjoy a bar for multiple reasons.
I think you have your priorities in the right place. If it will help your relationship, you can definitely invite her to a dinner at your place where you give her a small gift or card and she has the chance to celebrate your daughter.
You could do that on either Sunday or the week after. If you don’t think such a dinner will help your relationship, then let her be an adult and choose to cause drama and division when none had to be made. She could have had it all, and chose to make it difficult for everyone.” Stitch426
You're awful.
3. AITJ For Not Buying A Car Seat For My Parents?
“Both I and my stepbrother have young children and my mum and stepdad look after them regularly to help us both out. They have a car seat currently that is rear-facing for 15 months and have bought a forward-facing one for the next phase which I am unsure about because guidance suggests leaving rear-facing for as long as possible.
I want to get them a chair that spins around to accommodate both positions, so the children can be rear facing longer and to make it easier for them as they are elderly. I feel like I and my stepbrother should split the costs between us as both children would use it but my stepbrother is saying he cannot afford it even though they enjoy a luxurious lifestyle. AITJ for not wanting to buy this chair paying solely without some contribution.
Because it spins it’s around $400.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
This seat isn’t necessary because you have both rear-facing and forward-facing seats already. Ultimately, it’s more or less a luxury. There are cheaper rear-facing seats graded for larger babies/toddlers. You don’t get to demand that your stepbrother contribute $200 to a luxury that only you want.
It sounds like your brother bought both of these car seats already. So it certainly seems like it’s your turn to buy a car seat anyway.” JustheBean
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You are not the jerk for wanting to have a certain seat. Your stepbrother is not the jerk for not wanting to shell out 200 for a car seat. Your parents are not the jerk for not wanting to deal with 2 seats. My advice is to find alternative care for your child those 2 days. This is not going to end well. If you buy the seat it will get used for both kids.
I know if I were doing something for free, I wouldn’t want to bother trying to switch out car seats. And I wouldn’t have 2 in my car unless I needed them.” Deep-Bluebird9566
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your parents are doing you a favor by watching your kids for what I’m assuming is for free. I get a secondhand seat isn’t really appropriate but if you aren’t happy with what they bought, then you need to get something else if you want them to babysit.
The fact they watch your stepbrother’s kids as well is irrelevant. He’s fine with what they have. You aren’t. It’s not reasonable to expect someone else to split costs with you for something else just because you don’t like the option you have.” QueasyReveal4674
2. AITJ For Being Honest About How I Feel?
“I’m 16f and my mom, her husband, and I are currently in therapy.
For this, we will call my mom’s husband Jim.
My dad died in front of my mom and me when I was 6. It was super traumatic. My mom and I both went to therapy for three years as a result of what we saw. A year after Dad died Mom met Jim and fell in love with him. He helped Mom heal in a way therapy wasn’t able to. The way nobody else could.
Jim and I got along pretty well. At times he tried a bit too hard to be a parent when he and my mom were still just going out and at times it felt like he wanted way more from me than I did from him. Before their wedding when I was 8, he and my mom told me they wanted to know if I would like to be adopted by Jim and to call him Dad.
I said no. Jim asked me if that was likely to change, and I said no again. They did drop it and to their credit, never pushed after that.
When I was 9 my mom had a baby boy and a year later she had a baby girl, followed by another baby boy a year later. I do love my half-siblings. But I have always called them my half-siblings. Mom asked me why I used half and I told her because we had different dads.
She told me that didn’t make them half, that we still had the same mom, and even if we didn’t, and they were Jim’s kids with someone else, we were still family, still siblings now and using half or step for siblings was a little mean when you’re so much older than them. It was a topic that came up time and time again.
Two months ago my mom and Jim decided the three of us needed to do family therapy together.
It was there that not only was my using half brought up, but the fact I bounced between stepdad and mom’s husband for Jim, and that I never called him dad or let others credit him as my dad. The therapist and I had talked solo and she talked to Mom and Jim without me too. She helped guide me through some of what I had said to her.
The questions were basically, why half, why is it bad for Jim to be known as a dad, why can’t that make me happy?
So to sum up what I said. I told them that I love my half-siblings, but we have different dads and I don’t ever want that to be forgotten because I love and miss my dad and don’t want him erased. That no matter how great Jim is, he is not my dad. That I’m glad Mom has him since Dad’s gone. But it’s important for me to let it be known I’m my dad’s daughter, not Jim’s, and that it’s a feeling that isn’t changing for me, that I don’t want it to change.
That I’m still happy with how things are.
Mom and Jim were so unhappy with me for saying that. They said I was wasting everyone’s time and their money if I was adamant about not working through my feelings on that and learning how to accept Jim, can still be my dad and my siblings can be just siblings and it doesn’t erase my dad. I said I didn’t need that to happen.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Everyone grieves in their own way, and they learn to cope with that grief in their own way.
Your mom seems to have found comfort and new happiness in Jim, and that’s fine.
You seem to have reconciled with your dad’s death up to a point – you want to make sure he isn’t forgotten, and that’s fine.
What might be the real issue is the way you and your mother are handling that residual grief may be butting against each other.
Where you see the use of stepfather and half-siblings as just a statement of fact, you might accidentally be rubbing salt in your mom’s wounds that Jim is not her first husband – and conversely, her trying to get you to stop giving these distinctions seems to be accidentally stomping on your desire to honor your dad.
If I could give a small piece of advice, I would recommend trying to shift the focus of your group therapy sessions to discover the emotional drives behind your respective desires and/or attempting to find some mutual understanding that can help you both find a middle ground.
(Jim might also benefit from some private sessions to cope with his feelings about the step/dad situation.)” mvtk42
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your feeling is yours.
Your stepfather is your stepfather – if you have any relationship, with him at all just referring to him as your mum’s husband or the biological father of your half-siblings is kind of rude. But he’s an adult and he can take care of himself.
Not clear why he cares at this point
On the other hand – it might be worth noting that you are also hurting other people, including three small children by basically emphasizing that only half of them mean anything to you – and this will inevitably affect your relationship with them down through the years. But that is your choice.” Seriouslydude-no-way
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You are entitled to call them step- half-whatever their relation and maintain that boundary, especially since it seems like you are doing so with maturity and respect.
Your mom/stepdad definitely shouldn’t be forcing the issue. That said, you can be not wrong and still be a jerk.
From your story, it sounds like you ONLY refer to your siblings/stepdad with the half/step qualifier. Like, you never just say ‘Oh that kid? He’s my brother.’ Setting boundaries is inherently a way to keep people at a certain distance, which is often healthy and protective for both parties.
This boundary seems like it’s intended to alienate your family. If you need that to protect yourself/process your grief, go for it, but it seems to me that you’re using these labels to constantly remind them that they are all removed from you in a particular way and you seem to relish that reminder. Your rigidity is taking precedence over the feelings of your family that are obviously quite hurt by your alienation.
Doesn’t mean you have to change, but makes you a jerk.
Accepting another parent figure and/or siblings doesn’t erase your dad. You are not honoring his memory by alienating your living family.” peanutter1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I commend you for your maturity in communicating your needs to your mom and stepdad. Your reasons are thoughtful, deliberate, and not malicious.
It’s worth noting that it’s actually kind of sweet that your stepdad is hurt because it means he cares about you and how you think of him.
He and your mom just aren’t doing a very good job at keeping their hurt to themselves so you aren’t put in a position where you feel responsible for it.
If you believe he is good to you, maybe there is an honorary title you’d be comfortable with, that you can propose as a compromise.
Maybe there’s an affectionate and special honorary you can propose for your half-siblings as well?
Something to think about if you feel comfortable with the idea.” DorkOnTheTrolley
1. AITJ For Wanting To Tell My Newly-Widowed Dad To Get Over It?
“I (17 female) am living with my 20-year-old sister and 11-year-old brother. Our mom passed away recently from an aggressive form of cancer that we didn’t know she had and so had no time to treat it before she died. My dad has been living in a different state for work and has been since the beginning of 2020. It was his choice to leave as there were still jobs in our area when he left.
Anyway so he’s been gone for a few years and his relationship with my mom had been strained to say the least and they were both considering divorce. Obviously, he came home to be with her in the hospital while she passed and stayed host the service but he left after that to go back to work. I’m not entirely sure why he thinks anything has really changed but suddenly he’s obsessed with being a present father and wants to move us all to him.
That would mean leaving our friends, support groups, activities, and our mother’s home. Not to mention any pets we’d have to part with for the move.
My brother is autistic and needs stability in his life right now. He is used to my dad not being around and is fine without him, I’ve had a bad relationship with him since I was young so I certainly don’t need this, and my sister has already said that if he moves us she’s staying here since she’s old enough to live independently and already has a good job.
Needless to say that this move would benefit only himself and he is not considering the needs of anyone other than himself. If I had the option I would stay with my sister but my brother is so young and my dad doesn’t know how to handle taking care of him so I know I can’t abandon him but I wish more than anything I could just stay.
Our dad hasn’t wanted to be here for years and it was his choice to leave in the first place, but now that he’s sad and a bit lonely he suddenly wants us all to be together and it’s not fair.
Not to mention he could still just move back here if he really wanted to. But he wants to disrupt everyone else’s lives to meet his own needs. I just want to tell him to grow up and bare it like he should, it wasn’t his fault that she died but it was his fault that he’s not been around so he needs to take responsibility for his choice and either come back here or just leave us alone aside from sending money.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I’m so sorry for your loss, especially for how sudden it is.
I think you’re all grieving right now, and everyone is not in their best space, understandably. I don’t know your dad, but I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt that there was a reason he moved away for the job – maybe it paid better than the jobs that were here, contributed more to his retirement/pension, had better benefits, or other reasons that I can’t think of.
I just can’t see someone who would move away from his family (and spend extra money on separate rent/utilities/costs) unless there was a bigger benefit to it. He probably feels extra guilty about it given how fast everything went down, and he’s worried that something might happen to you guys without him around. People react to grief in many ways, and sometimes, some people try to solidify what they ‘have’ for a sense of safety.
He may genuinely think that he is doing the right thing because he doesn’t understand how much it will disrupt your life.
It doesn’t mean that you have to just give in and do it. You are right – you and your siblings would be sacrificing a lot of your support group, life as you know it, and your OWN stability for him. You are also grieving, and that is just as valid.
Ultimately, you are not a jerk for feeling how you feel. Or even for wanting to say what you want to him. But please consider going into this conversation with an open mind, as I hope that he will.
Good luck to you all.” feyinbetween
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So, telling your dad to grow up & get over it isn’t going to help. Telling him he’s selfish & already abandoned you isn’t going to help.
However, talking to him about your brother’s need for stability and the amount of care your brother needs might help. Your sister will not move. Tell your dad you will not move. If he forces your brother to move in with him, your dad will be on his own with your brother. (Your dad doesn’t need to know you’re bluffing.)
Tell him that you and your sister are happy and want to keep things the way they are.
You have a good system going. Tell your dad he can visit more or move back, but you & your sister are unwilling to leave home, and moving is bad for your brother.” pineboxwaiting
Another User Comments:
“Married couples function as a pair – each taking some of the work. Even though your parents’ marriage was breaking down before cancer, it sounds like mom had ‘take care of children’. Your dad is now trying to pick up that task.
Yes, it sounds like your dad needs a reality check on the needs of his kids. But your attitude is not going to get you the results you want. People get defensive when you yell at them. You and your sister might be close to adults but that doesn’t mean you are ready to take care of an 11-year-old full-time. What if one of you gets a job offer far away?
Or break a leg?
Talk to your dad and lay out your needs, for yourself and your siblings. Say there are too many good reasons to stay in place. No jerks here – you are all suffering from a loss and need some understanding.” blueavole
Another User Comments:
“Gentle ‘everyone sucks here’
Your father wasn’t around, and you honestly don’t know why he left. You can say there are jobs where you live but it’s about jobs that he gets offered and can work- so a place can have jobs but if he was struggling to get one, it doesn’t matter.
But the real issue here is that it’s not fair to your 20-year-old sister to give up her life to take you and your brother on. She’s young and deserves to have her own life not to become your pseudo-mom in the absence of your birth mom. You honestly don’t have any leg to stand on when it comes to the 11-year-old – he can easily get custody of him.
Your sister would have to contest it in court. In regards to you, you will be 18 soon and can leave then. But yeah, be prepared for at least your brother to be moving soon.” WickedAngelLove
