People Want Us To Open Their Eyes As To Who The Jerks Are In Their Stories
18. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Do Things For Me?
“I (27f) have been with my partner (28m) for 3 years. for the most part, it’s been absolutely incredible – he’s smart, he’s funny, he’s good-looking, and we look after each other.
However, there are a couple of scenarios where we don’t see eye to eye – we end up arguing about such trivial things, and I feel like I am losing my mind half the time.
We both are able to WFH at our jobs (although we rarely do). He’s a manager, and I work in insurance. Today, we both have been working from home. I have had a ton of emails stacking up and calls coming through, and just generally having a very busy day.
I can only assume his day is not as busy, as he has expressed several times he can’t be bothered to work, and has sat on the sofa and played video games all day. This is not the issue here, he is a very hard worker and does really well in his career, so he deserves to have some time to chill.
I have called through when I’ve had a minute to ask if he would mind popping some food in the oven, as I have been unable to do it with my phone ringing for work every two minutes. He didn’t want to, so I passed a comment saying I would do it myself but I only asked him because he is playing video games all day, and it would have been a big help to me.
I heard him in the other room putting something in the oven, and then he comes in and tells me that I need to stop being so demanding of his time and that if he doesn’t want to do something he doesn’t have to.
I apologized, and he is not happy with me.
I didn’t force him to make food, and I apologized for my comment – but he doesn’t like it if I ask him to do anything, whereas if he asks me to do things, I will do it right away, and I like doing things for him.
AITH? Is he the jerk? Should I stop asking him to do things for me and just assume he isn’t going to? I don’t want to annoy him over little things like this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your request was perfectly reasonable, and any caring partner with a shred of empathy would have no trouble helping out in that situation.
‘he comes in and tells me that I need to stop being so demanding of his time and that if he doesn’t want to do something he doesn’t have to.’
Tell him the same is true for you too, and you don’t want to fix him food that night, so he’s on his own for dinner.
Tell him you don’t want to do any cleaning. Basically, tell him you don’t want to do anything. See how long he sticks to that attitude when you ask him to do something as simple as putting dinner in the oven.” GrymDraig
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He’s showing you that he believes his time is more valuable than yours. These ‘little fights’ will not end here. Years down the line when y’all have kids (if you want them), you’ll be juggling all of the childcare and asking your children’s father to bathe them.
Then he’ll say he’s too busy and you’ll just have to deal with it because you’re the default parent. He will always default the things he doesn’t want to do, to you, because you and your time are expendable.
Now someone reading this might say ‘wow, dramatic take’ but this type of behavior only escalates. It starts with ‘No I will not mildly inconvenience myself to make us some lunch’ all the way to ‘why do I have to wake up early with the baby?
I have to sleep!’ OP, sit your man down and let him know that he’s not being an equitable partner to you. Outline what you expect from him moving forward and pay attention to see if his behavior changes.
If it doesn’t, I implore you to leave. Find someone who won’t think making you lunch is pulling their teeth.” We_4ll_Fall_Down
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, whether you realize it or not you are in an abusive relationship.
Maybe not it’s not physical but your ‘partner’ definitely sees you as beneath them. You can’t even ask for a favor because it’s ‘demanding’ and you are told to ‘do it yourself’? Seriously what a jerk. I hope you can do some serious reflection and realize the way you are being treated is disgusting.
You don’t deserve that. This guy sounds potentially narcissistic who doesn’t have time to pop something in the oven for their loved one when all they are doing is screwing around on the telly. You need to stop apologizing for everything too, it seems like you have a kind and giving heart but you need to be a bit firmer, sounds like he knows and does walk all over you.
When someone goes out of their way to show you who they are, you should really listen.” Darth_Dronus
17. AITJ For Not Cooking Food For My Brother's Stepdaughter?
“I (27F) am not a professional chef, but I have taken a bunch of cooking classes and love making elaborate meals for friends and family. About two years ago my brother, Greg (25M) married Cheryl (34F). Cheryl has a daughter from a previous relationship (Becca, 9F) who has several health conditions, including celiac and a severe dairy allergy that requires her to carry an epi-pen.
Last weekend I hosted a dinner at my house for my parents’ wedding anniversary. I made a fancy five-course dinner and in addition to my parents, I invited four close family friends, Greg, Cheryl, and Becca, and my sister, her partner, and their twins (both 8M).
Because of Becca’s food restrictions, I found a restaurant in town that specializes in gluten-free, dairy-free (as well as other allergen-free) food, and arranged for them to make a full meal for Becca that I could pick up in advance of the party.
I have made a variety of specialty meals in the past (for example, keto meals when my friend was following that diet) and I like the challenge, but knowing how serious Becca’s restrictions were, I didn’t trust myself to make her meal. I have ADHD and get easily distracted, and if I even used the wrong spoon or didn’t completely wash some flour off a bowl, it could make her incredibly sick.
I thought the ‘take out’ solution was fine, but when I served the food, I saw Cheryl looking at Becca’s plate with a stony face. For her part, Becca started eating and seemed fine. Cheryl whispered to Greg, and Greg asked if he could talk to me in the kitchen.
When we got there he said that it was ‘unbelievable’ that I couldn’t be bothered to make something for Becca, that they’d been bragging about what a great cook I am to her, and that he knew I’d made keto, vegan, and other complicated kinds of food in the past; now she would feel left out because she didn’t get to eat what the rest of the family was eating.
He said that it was obvious that I didn’t care about making his stepdaughter feel like a part of the family, and that they were leaving. Greg, Cheryl, and Becca then left, which put a damper on the rest of the party.
I felt like I did my best at the time, but in hindsight, I wonder if I should have tried harder to make Becca feel included since she is a relatively new addition to our family. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You went out of your way to make sure she had food that was safe to eat.
If she can go into anaphylaxis from a cooking mistake it’s understandable if you didn’t want to take the very real risk of her food getting cross-contamination.
Even if you cooked the entire meal to the specifications, her food could have been contaminated by residual allergens in your environment.
I think the only thing you could have done to avoid what happened would be to have given your brother a heads-up that you were ordering her food from a specialty restaurant because you weren’t confident you could cook food that wouldn’t make your niece sick.
It was very bad manners for them to even make an issue of it during the dinner. If they had a problem with what you did they could have addressed it with you privately at some point later.” kavk27
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – not even a little bit.
Becca’s allergies sound serious, and I am honestly kind of surprised Cheryl would’ve even been okay with her eating a full-cooked meal at your house given that fact.
A friend of mine has kids with similar serious allergies, and she’s very protective about what they eat and where since cross-contamination is a real issue for them.
I think you went above and beyond for Becca, and she seemed fine eating it until her mom cast a storm cloud over the whole situation.
Cooking for preferential diets (keto, vegan, etc) is an entirely different thing than cooking for allergen diets, and there are SO many things to be cautious of at all times that unless you are specifically skilled in those allergens and how to avoid them, it’s best to leave it to the professionals for the most part.” hannahsflora
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, home kitchens are not allergen-friendly places. Even your spices can have gluten and you’d be surprised at the number of things with hidden dairy in them. The fact that you found a place that caters specifically to her allergens is great.
In the future, my only advice is to give people a heads-up that they’re getting a separate meal instead of surprise catering if you’re hosting a dinner. The way you phrased it did make it seem like the whole meal would be friendly and not that you were hosting dinner and buying her food too.
It’s not often people are willing to cook allergen-friendly meals so they’re likely just acting out their disappointment in the disclusion without really thinking about how unsafe it is for you to be messing with an allergy.” DisastrousProblem631
16. AITJ For Wanting My Parents To Give Me Acknowledgment?
“I (F32) and my brother (M29) have generally had a good relationship up until the past year or so. My parents and I have had a challenging one forever.
My brother has been in a relationship with a woman for the past 4 years (F28).
She is from a different, non-privileged background and had a child at 18. I love this woman like a sister and accept her wholeheartedly. My parents are a different story – they saw a different woman for my brother. They have some problematic beliefs and can be pretty classist. They were also highly controlling in their parenting style – I broke the cycle through years of conflict, but my brother always fell in line, and even as an adult am still terrified of disappointing them.
Maybe that’s why he waited over a year to tell them about his partner and hadn’t told them about the child until this New Year.
My mom got in touch last year to vent about his partner – calling her a gold digger, saying all this mean stuff about how she ‘conducted herself’ when she was staying with us.
I tried to steer her in the right direction and tell her that she might not like the girl, but we all had to respect my brother’s choice and his partner. I thought we agreed on that.
Over the holidays, my brother went home to my parents alone to ‘break the news’ (finally) that his partner has a child.
The result was disastrous – Mom and Dad both started crying and screaming. They said she wasn’t ‘compatible’ and told him they had noticed his mental health decline since being with her. My brother conveyed all of this to me and his partner.
She was devastated. My parents almost immediately attempted to triangulate me, and I set a boundary that I didn’t want to talk about my adult brother’s love life anymore. That really set them off and my dad sent me and my brother a looooooooong email calling brother ‘deceitful’ and ‘cowardly’ and accusing me of putting them through misery will my terrible life choices (I am a successful self-employed adult in a healthy relationship).
He was particularly vitriolic toward me and insulted me quite a bit in the email.
Cut to: the cycle of conflict is over for them and they want to get past it now. They sent a follow-up email (well Dad did on behalf of them both – Mom never weighs in) saying how they were ‘unburdening themselves from feeling responsible for our happiness’ and that they want to move on ‘in a healthy dynamic’.
I have said I need an acknowledgment of the hurt their email caused before I can move on. I am not fully comfortable talking over the phone because they are so emotionally reactive. They have not given me any acknowledgment and they keep pushing to ‘touch base’ on their terms.
AITJ for holding out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’ve done a great job, especially by not letting them triangulate you into the the-girl-has-a-child criticism. Kudos!
I actually think it is really important that every time they try to move on without acknowledgment, you repeat your request. All injuries need repair and being accountable for one’s actions & words is the major part of the repair.
I would say though, that it seems unlikely they will be able to do it. It would require them to be secure enough to be vulnerable and acknowledge fault. But you asking for the acknowledgment is really for you – you’re doing the hard part of advocating for yourself, being true to your own experience, and being vulnerable.
I see the work you’re doing.
Moving forward – your brother and his partner are much more likely to be able to have a healthy relationship with you. Turn your attention there. If he and you can be on the same page regarding how to engage w your parents (United front) it will increase the possibility of them eventually changing.
Perhaps bro is too insecure for that and if so, just keep trying to engage him and model what you’d like in your relationship w him.
Also, being transparent with him about what your parents try to do to keep you two siloed will shine a light on their bad behavior (they will definitely get worse if you two tow the same line because they’ll feel their grip slipping).
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They don’t get to be bigoted and emotionally mistreatment both of you and then just act like nothing happened to keep you in their lives. Keep your boundaries, your request for acknowledgment is even incredibly generous.
You probably should be demanding that they apologize before speaking to them again, but if you don’t feel it’s necessary that’s up to you. If they can’t even do that bare minimum, then they don’t deserve to be involved in your lives.” UnorthodoxJew27
Another User Comments:
“NTJ –
You aren’t obligated to be ‘healed’ just because they are. They’ve ensured their needs are met, and are now ready to ‘move on’.
You have stated what you feel you need to heal and move on.
You don’t have any obligation to do anything else until you have that. It’s not their right to dictate your needs and all the boundaries of the relationship. It’s a 2-way street.
Personally, I would respond to any call/message with ‘I’ve told you what I need to move on.
Are you saying you’re willing to provide that?’ And if they aren’t, end the conversation.
Eventually, either they will acknowledge your feelings, or they won’t. Either way, it’s their choice. You are NTJ.” AnonymousTruths1979
15. WIBTJ If I Don't Want My Stepdad On My Birthday?
“I (19) have had my birthday basically planned out since October.
As it gets closer, I’ve been getting more excited. I plan to spend the day at a place that is a special interest of mine. The one thing I am worried about is my stepdad going. He has always made me uncomfortable since my high school friends pointed out the things he has said or done were definitely not appropriate.
Just last week my mom told him I am learning to set boundaries and he told me ‘I’ll show you some boundaries.’ I had to leave my mom’s cake cutting immediately after and could not sleep at all. I have constant nightmares about him and always have massive panic attacks when I have to spend longer than 10 minutes around him.
Im turning 20 and I want to spend it with my mom and sibling while enjoying the day I’ve been trying to plan.
Turning 20 is a pretty big deal for us, and I am my mom’s oldest kid so she wants to make it a huge deal. I don’t want the reason I can’t let my own mom hug me to ruin my birthday.
This part is important but my mom always takes his side, and I don’t want her to be upset if I tell her I don’t want him there. I told my sibling about it and they said they understand where I am coming from.
They also don’t like him, they just don’t want me to start a huge fight. So would I be the jerk for telling my mom I don’t want him there?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ
It’s typically best to trust your intuition in a situation like this, but even if it wasn’t you have a right to your feelings and to have boundaries as an adult human being, with how other human beings speak to you.
You’ve expressed that his behavior encroaches on your boundaries, and both he and your mother have refused to rectify the situation.
It does not matter how your sibling feels about this, as their boundaries are not the ones being crossed.
It does not matter how your mother feels about this, as her boundaries are not the ones being crossed.
It certainly does not matter how he feels as his boundaries are not the ones being crossed, and he is the aggressor.
It also doesn’t matter how I feel, or anyone else feels: You have a right to feel how YOU feel about this.
And that would apply on any occasion, you shouldn’t be made to feel as if you must spend time with someone who is deliberately refusing to acknowledge your boundaries.
Especially on a day that is about you.
As for my opinions on his behavior: ‘Just last week my mom told him I am learning to set boundaries and he told me ‘I’ll show you some boundaries.”
This is disturbing.
I am sure someone on the vast internet can think of a personal exception, but I’ve personally never heard the words ‘I’ll show you -insert something you mentioned-‘ in any context other than as a threat, or with a sensual connotation.
Both of which are inappropriate here. There’s almost certainly some sort of control issue here, at the very least.
As far as suggestions… if you want to assert all of this, but don’t want to do so before your big day, that’s also your right.
Would it be feasible to suggest it be a ‘girls’ day out’ of some sort?” AnonymousTruths1979
Another User Comments:
“OP, you are NTJ for wanting to establish boundaries and not wanting your stepdad at your birthday. It is your birthday and you have the right to decide who you want and do not want at your special event
Your mum needs to respect your wishes. You are not wrong and your concerns are valid. Is there any way to celebrate the birthday without him getting involved? If your mum keeps insisting on including him, do not be afraid to voice it out and say no and also tell her if she keeps insisting, you rather cancel it than put up with stepdad
Or you can invite your few closest friends to keep you safe on your birthday where they can act as birthday wranglers. If I am your close friend, I am willing to be the birthday wrangler who ensures your stepdad doesn’t try his funny business on you and calls him out immediately.” KangarooOk2190
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This is so much bigger than you just wanting your birthday with your mom and siblings.
From what you’ve said, it sounds like your mom dismisses your (and siblings’ concerns) when it comes to her husband.
Not to mention his inappropriate behaviors that your friends point out. Out of curiosity, have you told her flat out that he makes you uncomfortable and feel unsafe?
Your siblings don’t want you to rock the boat, which is unfortunately enabling and empowering him (and your mom).
I would make some alternative plans for my party (and honestly, my life) because I doubt your mom is going to take it well.
This is one of those situations where OP goes no contact and the mom sits around wondering why.
Sorry for your situation OP, but please stand up for yourself and make sure you’re safe.” Fire_or_water_kai
14. WIBTJ If I Don't Consider My Stepfather As My Dad?
“My partner’s parents are supposed to be meeting my parents soon, which is a very big milestone in our relationship.
However, my mom is insistent that she brings along her husband and introduces him as my stepfather/dad.
My dad died nearly 10 years ago of cancer when I was in my 20s. He was always good to my family and supported us.
I am happy that my mom is remarried to someone that makes her happy and supports her, but I’ve never considered her current husband to be my father.
He is very nice, but his efforts to reach out to me remind me of a longtime friend.
He’s more of a friend or uncle to me than a father. Even after knowing me for so long, I can’t say that we’re very close. He’s never been receptive to my emotional conversations and was very distant when I would get depressed about my dad’s death.
He’s a generally nice person, but I don’t feel comfortable introducing him to my partner’s family for other reasons. He’s traditional (believes in the working man-homemaker-wife dynamic), and has made comments about working women being unable to raise their kids for my mom and me.
He dislikes how my partner flaunts her intelligence and ‘lectured him’ for making a sexist joke when she was visiting. However, he is civil and polite to her when she’s around. He told my mom it would be an honor to meet my partner’s parents.
He considers himself to be like a father to me. Undeniably, he’s helped out my family and I a lot, but he doesn’t try to emotionally connect with me that much.
My partner resembles her mom strongly, as they are both hard workers and have sought higher education.
However, they are both serious people and are not easy-going, so there may be some conflict between them and my mom’s husband.
Additionally, my partner and her parents have no interest in meeting him as I’ve told them repeatedly that I don’t consider him a father.
My partner’s mom even went so far as to say it would be offensive/rude to bring him along (they consider stepparents to be valid parents, but don’t think my stepfather should come along if I don’t think he’s like a father to me).
They were more receptive to the idea of visiting my father’s gravesite and paying their respects than meeting my stepfather.
However, my mother is adamant that my stepfather comes along, otherwise, she won’t meet my partner’s parents. She believes I am being rude and denying my stepfather’s importance in the family.
She’s offended that I am ’embarrassing’ him in front of her future in-laws and that I am maliciously excluding him.
EDIT: Other reasons I do not wish to include my mom’s husband in this meeting are that he is an anti-immunization conservative who dislikes immigrants (my partner’s parents are immigrant doctors).
He also doesn’t know about my partner’s line of work, which her parents are very vocal about, and he wouldn’t take kindly to it either.
Additionally, my partner isn’t allowed at family events for my family (like Christmas and Thanksgiving) because I am not married to her, according to my stepfather and mother, who are traditional Catholics.
EDIT: I know my calling my mom’s husband nice wasn’t a great step. I was thinking from the perspective that my mom calls him nice and polite and that she’s all I care about in my immediate family right now, and am used to calling him nice for her sake.
Update: I talked with my older sister and BIL about it, and it did not go well.”
Another User Comments:
“Just because your mom married someone, doesn’t mean you have to consider them your father. You were well past any developmental age where you would have had a better chance to connect in that way.
If your mom is adamant that she will not meet your partner’s parents without him, then you might have to tell her that she will get her wish, but not the way she wants. This is supposed to be a fun/pleasant time, not a time for arguments, and if she’s going to be making a stink over it now, she’s likely to cause a scene when the event occurs as well.
NTJ, you have set your boundaries for this first meeting. If your mom is unwilling to abide by those boundaries, then she doesn’t get to come to the meeting anymore.” Spidermack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s great when step-parents can be friendly adult figures in our lives, or even if they really do become like a second (or third, etc) parental figure.
But you’re not obligated to feel that way, and they aren’t owed that just for marrying your parent (aside from legally being your step-whatever, but you get my point).
I can also understand hesitance around introducing him because of his whole traditional values thing, especially if he’s got tension with your partner for being ‘too smart’.
It absolutely would not make a great impression on your partner’s parents, and especially not if her mom is already saying they think it’d be rude to bring him to the meeting of the parents. That said, if you think the two of you will be together long-term, then they’ll inevitably meet him eventually.
It might be better to give them a (polite) warning ahead of time and bite the bullet in letting them meet… Hard to say.” missy20201
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but this doesn’t ring well to me.
Why should it matter if he comes and is introduced as your mother’s husband?
He’s going to be sitting with your mother at the wedding, right? It could cause some social faux pas issues down the line.
It’s fine that you don’t consider him a father figure, and it’s wonderful that your in-laws want to pay their respects, but maybe nix the outdated ideal of a ‘meet the parents’ dinner being some big deal and just have a couples dinner with your in-laws, your fiance, your mom, and her husband?
Be clear that he is to be introduced as her spouse, not your father figure, and go from there.
It could help to prevent any hurt feelings or awkward situations at the wedding itself.
Edit: your edit loaded for me after my comment.
That does change things. Don’t keep the peace with someone who doesn’t seem to respect your partner at all. Gross.” ashestorosesxx
I can guarantee if your mother's husband attends, your relationship will be strained until it's over.
13. AITJ For Telling My Cousin Not To Make All Of The Characters In Her Story Vegan?
“My cousin (17/F) and I (24/M) are both writers. About a week ago she was telling me about one of the novels she was working on and asked if I could read the first few chapters and give some feedback on it.
I agreed to and she sent them. It was fine for a first draft. It had a few mistakes here and there, and some parts where the story lulled a bit, but those can all be fixed. The main issue I had with it was that every character in the book is a vegan.
It’s not explicitly stated in the text, but it’s heavily implied. At one point in the story, the character is ordering food and there are only vegan options. Another adds oat ‘milk’ to his coffee, and earlier on someone has scrambled tofu for breakfast. Granted, it’s a small part of what she’s written and she doesn’t linger on the food too much, so it doesn’t seem like it’s the focal point of the story, but it’s noticeable.
When I gave her the feedback I ended it by mentioning how it was unrealistic for everyone in the book to be vegans. She said okay and thanked me for the feedback and that was the end of it. I talked to her the day before yesterday and asked her, out of curiosity, which characters she was planning on changing from a vegan to a meat eater.
She said none. When I asked her why and she said that she didn’t want to write people who ate meat. When I pressed she kept dancing around the question until I told her that she asked for feedback, so why would she ask and not take my advice?
She told me that she appreciated my feedback and she took some of it, she claims to have made some revisions and cut some scenes, but her characters being vegan was something she wasn’t going to change. That she didn’t agree with it morally and she wasn’t going to write it as the norm, much less have her protagonists eat it.
After she said that I reminded her that not everyone in the real world was vegan, and making all of her characters vegans was going to alienate potential readers and make them uncomfortable. At this point she started getting defensive and asked if their being vegan made me uncomfortable, I told her they didn’t but it did break the immersion for me because of how unrealistic it was.
Then she made a snide comment about how I write fantasy, despite the fact that that’s a completely different situation.
At this point, I started being a little harsh. I told her that if she was going to be so stubborn she’d never get her books published because publishers won’t take a chance on her when she’s filling her books with nothing but wish fulfillment.
We went back and forth for a bit until she ended the conversation with a rant about how meat-eating writers rarely, if ever, take vegans into consideration when writing characters, so why should she, and hasn’t responded since.
So am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I say this as a pro writer and as a writing teacher.
First, when you offer critique, the writer is under no obligation to change their work based on your feedback. It’s up to the writer to synthesize useful feedback and also to discard anything that doesn’t fit into their vision.
If you go around saying to other writers ‘Why ask for my feedback if you aren’t going to take it,’ then you will soon find yourself very lonely in the writing world. That’s rude as heck.
Second, it’s not a big deal for characters to be vegan.
I even put oat milk in my coffee and I am not one. You said it didn’t make you uncomfortable, but clearly, it did and you need to own that. Very few readers are going to be turned off by vegan characters unless the characters are obnoxious about it.
You are extrapolating your own reaction out to the wider world, another big no-no when it comes to giving feedback.
Third, as a fantasy writer myself, your friend made a good point. If you can put dragons or elves in your story, she can make her characters vegan.
It’s not that unrealistic. I live in Portland, OR and if I chose to, I could surround myself with nothing but vegan friends.
In the end, this is her book, not yours, and you should not be trying to dictate to her.
Offer feedback and then step back.” ktempest
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
As an actual former literary agent, I can guarantee that despite referring to yourself as ‘a writer’ (I mean, I guess so is anyone who writes words, then?) and pretentiously doling out ‘advice’ to your cousin, you definitely haven’t been published, and probably never will be.
Which, by the way, isn’t necessarily an insult. Most aspiring writers will never be traditionally published authors. There’s nothing wrong with just writing because you enjoy it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re any good at it, that you understand that it’s business, that there’s an audience for what you write, or that it’s meant to be your career.
But my point is: you clearly DON’T understand fiction writing from a business or marketing point of view if you think that something as utterly negligible as whether someone’s characters eat vegan food is remotely important. Unless it’s a major plot point or weirdly incongruous to every other aspect of the character, no one actually CARES what a character eats.
Like, at all. Most people aren’t even going to notice or pay attention. The fact that you do just tells me that you’re paying attention to all the wrong things.
YTJ because you’re not only discouraging a young aspiring writer from being true to her own characters and writing what she feels (always the best course of action) but because you’re doing it from up on a high horse that you haven’t earned. You haven’t indicated that you are a publishing professional of any sort or that you have any justification for the nonsense you’re telling her.
You’re just being patronizing and discouraging for its own sake, which is awful. Shame on you.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Yes, she asked for feedback, you were nice enough to read and give her your thoughts. She thanked you for that.
It sounds like she appreciated your time and feedback, especially regarding the lulling/errors.
BUT just because somebody gives their opinion doesn’t mean the writer needs to do everything that person says. You’ve given her something to think about but ultimately it’s her choice.
Of course in the real world, a lot of people eat meat. But if this writer doesn’t want to deal with that – it’s fine. From what you’ve said it isn’t preachy, it doesn’t linger on the Vegan food, and if it’s a good story I doubt this will turn people off.
Unless this is a biography or historical piece – a writer can create any world they want.
Write what You want and let your friend write what she wants.” CarrieCat62
12. AITJ For Calling Out My Partner's Bad Habit?
“My (28M) new partner ‘Beth’ (24F) and I have been together for roughly 5 months now. We’ve begun to really spend more time with one another; by that, I mean cooking dinners for each other and occasionally spending the weekend at either place (hers or mine).
As the weather has finally gotten colder in our area I’ve noticed Beth enjoys wearing cozy sweaters and sweatshirts around the house. This is great because first of all, I think she looks super cute wearing them, and second I have a huge ugly sweater collection she loves.
She has started dipping into my ugly sweaters and wearing them around when she spends time at my place.
I first noticed the problem this past weekend when Beth stayed over at my place and went to clean the dishes after our meal on Saturday.
I was feeling frisky and followed her into the kitchen to mess with her a bit while she cleaned the dishes. I go up behind her to give her a hug, and I feel what seem to be like wet rags draped across her arms. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that she took the sleeves of the sweater and pulled them down and nearly over her entire hands.
I laughed and asked her why she was doing that with the sweater and she replies ‘I don’t like my arms getting too wet when I am washing the dishes’. I tried to tell her that most people pull the sleeves up instead of pulling them down and that the sweaters end up smelling gross with dishwater soaked into them (I found a smelly sweater tossed to the back of my closet where I keep the others a few weeks prior).
We don’t really ‘go back and forth’ over the issue, she goes and puts on a dry sweatshirt she brought with her for the weekend, and we turn on a movie. She goes back home Sunday evening and the rest of our weekend went without a hitch.
Fast forward to yesterday evening (Tuesday) and I get a text from Beth who said that I made her feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in my home after ‘calling her out’ for the sweater thing. She went on to claim that I cared more about the stupid sweaters than I do for her and that I don’t appreciate her for cleaning the dishes.
For clarity, I am not a sweater snob. My collection is just some weird sweaters found at thrift stores over the years. I like them a lot, sure, but to claim that I would value them more than my partner is outrageous.
I’ve not yet replied to her message and am trying to figure out how best to navigate this issue.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
No one loves being called out for objectively odd behavior, however, it’s your sweater and it makes sense you’d have some questions about it getting wet in dishwater.
Not to mention, it doesn’t seem like she’s cleaning the sweaters afterward which is completely gross.
I would simply write back to her that it wasn’t about you caring about the sweater more than her, because she’ll always come before a material object.
However, her doing this shows a bit of a lack of respect for something you’ve allowed her to borrow. If the issue is her getting her forearms wet, you’d be happy to stock rubber gloves at your place. Or moving forward you’ll take responsibility for dishes at your place.” coastalkid92
Another User Comments:
“This is objectively strange and inappropriate to do with someone else’s clothes. You get drenched with more sustained moisture by encasing yourself in a wet cloth, than by submerging and drying your hands. Make it make sense.
You did nothing inappropriate here, and I honestly wouldn’t know how to respond to this because it is so far out of the left field that you just can’t be prepared to respond to it.
Her accusations are, well, inappropriate.
And the assumption that she should be able to do as her weird whims dictate, with other people’s belongings, is kind of disturbing. For me, her response would be red flag territory. This is not just odd, her accusations are super manipulative.
Honestly, tell her you’ll buy some gloves. If she flips out over that, you’d better lace your running shoes.
NTJ” CatteHerder
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This behavior is just weird. Did she have either a rough or incredibly privileged childhood?
It’s almost like she’s never seen anyone functionally do dishes before. It’s not wrong that you don’t want her doing that with your sweaters – dirty dishwater isn’t just wet, it contains grease and food waste that can stain your clothing.
I am sure she was embarrassed to be confronted about it and therefore defensive, but it was childish and sort of manipulative that she jumped right to ‘you love sweaters more than me’ when you tried to set some boundaries around caring for your belongings.
You could apologize for delivery or tone of voice if that seems appropriate, but don’t entertain a conversation around you being materialistic or not caring about her. Do the dishes yourself when she’s at your place. Use cleaning gloves, because I think she needs to see that.
And watch out for similar over-the-top reactions to reasonable boundaries in the future.” User
11. AITJ For Being Mad At My Brother For Waking Me Up Multiple Times?
“Our house is a bit small (2 beds, lounge, kitchen, bathroom). So my parents sleep in the bigger bedroom, I sleep in the smaller one, and my brother sleeps in the lounge. My brother changes in my room and keeps his books and school stuff in my room.
Yesterday my brother (16m) got home and didn’t do his homework. He started using his laptop and then went out with his friends, then came back home when I was making supper. I asked him if he had homework and he said no. In the middle of the night, he got into my room 3 times to get stuff to do his homework, and each time woke me up.
I really struggle with falling asleep and if I am woken up, it takes me 30 minutes to an hour, sometimes more to fall asleep. So I basically got no sleep.
I’ve asked my brother so many times to not get into my room during the night, and I’ve explained why too.
I’ve also told him to get anything he may need before he sleeps so he doesn’t wake me up. So when I woke up today (I woke up at 5 am to prepare breakfast for him and my dad), I had a really bad headache and I was upset with him.
He got defensive, my mum defended him. Basically, what I said was ‘why would you wake me up so many times? I got no sleep because of that and now I am sick’ (trying to translate, English is not my first language).
That’s when my mum started defending him, saying he had no choice.
So, AITJ for being upset and confronting him? I don’t know how else to phrase the question
I’ve tried a few versions of sleeping tablets. I sleep, but the next day I am really tired and barely functional. I also woke up with migraines so I stopped taking them.
When I couldn’t help my mum with chores in the morning because I’d still be tired, she started telling me off almost every day (I wouldn’t do the morning chores like laundry, but I’d do everything else).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your brother should keep his school stuff in the lounge, you all have tight living conditions but there should be a secure place he can put his school supplies so that he can do his homework at his leisure and not bother you.
At the very least he should get his computer & any supplies he needs out of the room before you go to bed & can put them back before school.” CarrieCat62
Another User Comments:
“I am a bit curious about the age gap between you and your brother, are you older?
No jerks here, I think. It sounds like your brother has the far worse deal here though, considering he does not have his own private space in your home at all. I feel like this is the kind of thing you will need to deal with as a trade-off for getting the room.
I mean, would you be willing to swap with him? Because if not then that kind of shows who’s getting screwed worse here.
That said, not sure why the things he needs to study are kept in your room in the first place, why can’t he have a dedicated spot in the living room for his own things?
It must suck that he’s always forced to disturb others if he needs to access his belongings, that’s not really fair to put that burden on him all the time. I can’t imagine he would ever really be able to relax properly at home.” billebop96
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s understandable that you would be upset and confront your brother for waking you up multiple times during the night. You have already tried to communicate with him about not getting into your room at night and have explained why it affects you.
It’s not fair that he is not considering your needs and causing you to lose sleep and experience migraines. Additionally, it’s not right for your mother to dismiss your concerns and defend your brother without considering how it’s impacting you.
You have every right to express your frustration and request that your brother respect your sleep.” oh_shameless_one
10. AITJ For Selling My Uncle's Car?
“I am 21 years old. On my 18th birthday, my uncle gave me a car as a birthday present. It wasn’t brand new, and it wasn’t extravagant or luxurious, but a car is better than no car, so I was so grateful to my uncle, he put so much thought and effort into making me happy on my birthday (and throughout my life) and the car ran great, I used it a lot in the following years.
Now, I have always had a rocky relationship with my parents, they are the kind who think the world is going to end because people are having babies before marriage, and my dad is obsessed with masculinity. To him, anything less than Bjorn Lothbrok or Kratos is literally an F-word (he uses that word a lot), he acts like a barbarian to prove that he is ‘a real man’.
My uncle says that my dad is embarrassing and that he hides a lot of insecurities, so they do not have a good relationship.
Of course, that means I’ve always had to walk on eggshells because he’ll call me an f-word for doing things he doesn’t think are manly enough, but it hasn’t worked because I am obviously very flamboyant and effeminate.
I don’t know, I am not even gay (I think I am bi but I am not sure), I try to act normal, walk normally, etc, but my dad would call me out for being effeminate and girly.
We’ve had a lot of fights over the past few months, he thinks college is brainwashing me into supporting gays and the woke agenda (like, yeah, I have gay friends, what a nightmare), until he finally decided I was too much of an embarrassment and disappointment, so he kicked me out.
Luckily I had some friends with an extra sofa and some savings. I managed to find a small apartment for myself, but I didn’t have enough money for the deposit and the rent for the next few months. I was desperate, so I sold the car my uncle had given me.
After that, I secured the apartment, moved out, and had some extra money to get me through the first few months.
My uncle contacted me after I moved out and said he had a big fight with my dad and told me he was a lost cause.
We talked for a while and then he asked about the car. I told him I sold it, and now he was mad at me, not mad angry, but mad sad.
He said if I needed money so much I could have just asked him, I told him I didn’t want to be a burden and he said ‘stop being ridiculous’.
He was heartbroken.
I haven’t talked to my uncle in days, and I am afraid I’ve dried up the goodwill of the only person who cares about me. So I want to ask if I am a jerk for selling the car.
Mini-update: I was texting my uncle. He said he understood and apologized for making me think he was mad at me. He said he loves me very much, and that the car has some sentimental value, but what’s done is done, and as long as I am not homeless, he doesn’t care.
He will come to my house tomorrow. He asked what I have in here, I answered that I have some basics and he said he will help me with that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I don’t think he’s mad at you or disappointed in you, I just think he feels guilty for the situation you are in and for not providing for you or defending you enough.
I think he blames himself and cares for you like a son, which gives him so much more pain to know you didn’t feel safe(?) or comfortable relying on his help to move out.
I think you should definitely give him a call and tell him how much you love and appreciate him for even just offering to help out with that.
I am sure he will understand if you open up about how you feel and tell him straight up about your own worries and insecurities.
You seem like a good kid and I hope all the best in your life going forward.” Shea_Scarlet
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here (except your dad, obviously).
I get where your uncle is coming from, or how I might feel in his position. He probably put more than just money into making sure you got a car that would serve you well, and I imagine it made him happy to know that you were benefiting from his gift.
And there’s a good possibility that you got less money out of the sale than he spent on the car, or – more to the point – than you’ll have to spend to replace it. Asking him for a loan would’ve likely been the better financial decision for both of you.
Now, that said – sure, he’s probably bummed, but you didn’t do it to hurt him and he absolutely knows that.
I totally understand not wanting to ask for help when you can sort matters out on your own terms, even if those terms are less than ideal. I’d have done the same, particularly at your age.
You haven’t ruined the relationship. Call him, go see him, or send him a letter (an actual letter – nobody does that crap, it shows you went to some effort and tends to feel more meaningful). Just tell him the truth about why you made the decision you did, apologize if it feels right to do so, and thank him for providing you with the means to land on your feet and escape your horse’s butt of a father.
On a side note: Look, being raised by a hypercritical parent tends to make it very difficult for some of us to ask for help, or trust that it will be given without resentment or obligation if you do. If that’s true for you, then just realize that normal people who aren’t jerks do like to help the people they love, and want nothing back save for the knowledge that the help they gave you improved your life.
And your old man is way, way beyond hypercritical and well into scary territory. Screw that dude. Sounds like a real narcissist.
You’re 100% not the jerk here, and I truly doubt your uncle thinks you are, either.” GreatLordOfTheSnark
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you did your best in the circumstances you were in. Your uncle was upset that he didn’t make it clear enough that you could lean on him in these kinds of situations.
If you were my niece/nephew, I’d be concerned about the financial consequences of losing your vehicle.
We want our nieces/nephews to progress in life and if we can help, we do.
I am sure your uncle is sorry he was upset and didn’t want to make you feel worse. Call him and have a chat or arrange to meet.” Fancy_Avocado7497
9. AITJ For Telling My Daughter That Her Brother Is Not Obliged To Share With Her?
“My oldest recently started a job as a busboy at a local restaurant after school. He frequently comes home with leftover food and shares it with us and his siblings.
Sunday he worked a longer shift for extra pay because he didn’t have school. He came home and didn’t want to do his Sunday chores. He asked his younger siblings to do his chores for him because he was tired.
His younger sister (11) said no, that his being tired wasn’t her problem. His younger brother agreed to do it. Last night, when he came home, he would only share with his younger brother. His younger sister said that wasn’t fair because she likes restaurant food.
My wife started to tell him to share, but before she could, I told him we need to let the kids work out their own conflicts (as long as everyone is safe) and not get involved.
In the end, our oldest son didn’t share with our daughter, and she was very upset.
She refused to eat dinner, saying that the food her mother and I made was ‘gross.’ My wife said I was a jerk and was encouraging our son to dangle the privileges of his age over his sibling’s heads.
I think it was a good lesson on how doing nice things for others pays off in the end, personally.”
Another User Comments:
“I feel like overall, you are NTJ. I don’t think your eldest was wrong to only share with your younger son when he helped him with his chores.
I am a little unsure about him not wanting to do his chores due to working late at his job. It’s inherently unfair for him to prioritize his paying job over his share of the household upkeep, then foist his chores on younger siblings.
He gets his pay and doesn’t have to do the chores his siblings then have to pick up for him, and he gets to pick and choose who to share with. I wouldn’t say it was unfair to adjust what he’s expected to do if he is also working, but if he has his chores he should be doing them.
Your daughter, however, seems like she kind of let herself in for it. Acting like your cooking was disgusting and telling your eldest it’s not her problem that he’s tired just seems really entitled. It’s no wonder he didn’t want to share things with her when she’s been uncaring towards him.” Marcuse0
Another User Comments:
“While you are largely NTJ, I am a bit concerned that your son thinks he can get out of household chores because he had a long day at work. That’s not a good precedent to set for him.
No matter how long or tiring his day was, his chores are still his responsibility. I would have been fine with it if he asked for a little more time, or if he had asked others to do it in exchange for something else, but the way this went down sounds like he wanted your daughter to do something for nothing in return, then he ‘punished’ her for not doing something out of the kindness of her heart by denying her a treat she normally wouldn’t have to ‘pay’ for by doing a chore.
That’s retaliatory and while she was never entitled to the food in the first place, she also didn’t know he would suddenly take the extra treat away because she didn’t do him a favor earlier.
While she does need to learn that she isn’t entitled to his kindness, especially if she’s not going to show it in return, I can also understand why, to her, this situation seemed unfair, because before she didn’t have to do extra chores to get the treatment and the situation changed without her knowledge.
Your son also needs to learn that overextending himself outside the home doesn’t absolve him from responsibilities at home.
Both of you could also remind your daughter that he normally gives the food out of his own kindness and that returning the favor would have been a good thing to do on her part.
That may be common sense for an adult but she’s still young enough that you might need to point it out to her. Again, NTJ, but communication about the event would help both kids understand each other’s perspectives and ease sore feelings.
Parenting is sometimes playing the mediator.” your_moms_a_clone
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You didn’t say how young your daughter is, but the more important detail, in my opinion, is that you’re allowing your son to develop a level of autonomy.
He doesn’t have to bring leftovers home. If he chooses to, he deserves to have some control over who he shares with. He’s working, earning money, and spending some of it on food. You were right to stop your wife from insisting he shares them equally with everyone.
If your wife had her way, she would have given him an object lesson on why it might be preferable in his eyes to throw his leftovers away rather than bring them home.
Just like doing your son’s chores was not your daughter’s problem, your daughter preferring restaurant food over homemade is not your son’s problem to solve.
You did the right thing.” throw05282021
8. AITJ For Making My Partner's Little Sister Cry?
“I have hyperthymesia.
For those who don’t know what that is, basically, I remember every autobiographical memory that I have – everything I’ve ever said, done, eaten, drank, etc. on the days that I’ve done them, where I was doing it, the time I was doing it, and so on.
It can be overwhelming sometimes, especially when reliving traumatic memories (like my mom passing away when I was 18 – I remember every little detail about that day) but people treat it like it’s a superpower. Also, I have mild Tourette’s, and will occasionally blurt truth bombs about the people around me.
The people around me know, and it’s not normally bad until it is.
My (29m) partner’s (29f) little sister (20f) is kind of a fiend. And not the ‘illegal substance’ kind. Everyone in my partner’s family knows it and has said so in one way or another to me when she’s not around.
My guess is that because of the massive gap in years between the two (they’re the only siblings), my partner’s parents were a little laxer in discipline than they were towards my partner. We were at dinner, my partner’s mom made a casserole and my partner’s little sister threw the biggest fit about how bland her mom’s casseroles are.
Now, to be fair, my partner’s mom is a little… lax, shall we say… in the seasoning department. I know, I remember every meal that she’s made for us. But the tantrum partner’s little sister was throwing was extraordinarily immature and petty.
I felt the tic coming on (hard to explain but like a twinge in my neck and a flushing feeling) and was preparing to excuse myself from the table but it just came out.
I called my partner’s little sister an immature brat and told her that her present attitude was the reason everyone at the dinner table at one point had called her a brat and people were tired of walking on eggshells around her.
You could have heard a mosquito fart with how quiet it was around the table. My partner’s little sister cried and I was sort of kicked out because I went ‘too far’.
I don’t feel like it’s my fault, and I really don’t know how I could have handled the situation differently, but I need to know if I was the jerk in this situation.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Just because you remember everything doesn’t mean you get to say things that were said to you in confidence. This has nothing to do with your memory and everything to do with you being rude.
No one is going to want you to hang around if they can’t trust that their words won’t blow up in their face. People vent about their loved ones all the time in private. It is not up to you to decide that those vents should be aired publicly.” Exact_Roll_4048
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner’s little sister is a jerk and you said what everyone else wanted to say but hasn’t had the guts to say! She doesn’t get to treat people like trash and get away with it!
Why wasn’t her behavior ‘too far’? Because everybody treats her like a baby and lets her get away with being a brat. Tourette’s or no Tourette’s you called her out on her unacceptable behavior which Is exactly what you should’ve done instead of letting her disrespect her mother!” Cold_Preference_6456
Another User Comments:
“Yes, it sounds like you might be the jerk in this situation. Your partner’s sister may have been acting out and throwing a tantrum, but it’s not your place to publicly call her out like that, especially in front of others.
You might have a tendency to blurt out truth bombs because of your Tourette’s, but it’s important to be mindful of others’ feelings and to handle situations with tact and sensitivity. While it might not be your fault entirely, it’s important to take responsibility for your actions and try to find a better way to handle similar situations in the future.” TruthWilling9327
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your partner’s little sister was being a rude brat, but it’s between her and her mum/her family.
What you said was true, but it also made the situation worse, not better.
All you did was make yourself feel better, it sounds like your partner’s mum wasn’t happy about you defending her, as you got kicked out for going too far.
It would have been better to say nothing, or ;’that’s really rude’ instead of launching into a rant and saying that everyone has called her a brat.
It also would have been better to wait until a more private moment to say this, so as to not ruin dinner where you are a guest.
Now, that being said, if you truly have trouble controlling this due to Tourette’s (I assume you have been formally diagnosed) then I get that it wasn’t 100% under your control and everyone should take that into account before getting angry.
However, you also have to realize that while it’s not fair that you have an uncontrollable tic… it’s also not fair to expect everyone else to put up with it when you’re a guest in their home.
And that’s why you should apologize.
I can only hope that there is a silver lining to this, and my partner’s little sister sees that she was being awful and reforms herself – but that doesn’t make what you did OK.
Edit: To be clear, if this had been my partner’s little sister insulting your food in your home, you would’ve been well within your rights to say what you said to your partner’s little sister .
But you were a guest.” User
7. AITJ For Shutting Down My Roommate About Making Her Ability To Speak A Language A Personality Trait?
“I (f19) am in my first year of college, living with a roommate, Katie (f19). Katie speaks three languages (English, German, and Spanish) and she makes it her whole personality.
Whenever I ask what she’s watching, she’s watching something in another language. So obviously I can’t watch it. She’s always listening to music on her headphones and when I tried to bond and listen to what she was listening to, it was in another language again and I couldn’t stand it.
Her friends all speak one of the languages she does and whenever I hear them, I can’t join the conversation because they mix everything so I am left out of their convo.
The other day, I saw she had a new book on her desk, a Portuguese coursebook.
I asked her about this and she said she’s taking private Portuguese classes starting in February.
I told her she has to let it go, that she needs to develop her personality because speaking a language isn’t a personality trait and she’s just boring.
She got really annoyed with me and told me I am a jerk and to stop eavesdropping on her convos.
I told her she was boring and has to fake her personality.
Now, she’s not speaking to me.
My friends are split, some agree with me and some agree with her.
Who’s the jerk here? AITJ for telling the truth?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – 100%. Your roommate has an interest and is engaging with it and with people who share that interest. There’s nothing stopping you from also enjoying movies in another language – you could have asked her to turn on the subtitles.
Between the two of you, you sound like the boring one, to be honest. You’re lurking around your roommate, judging her for having interests that don’t involve you, and then were needlessly nasty to her because you can’t speak the same languages she does.
One of you definitely needs to work on her personality, but, spoiler: it’s not your roommate.” Samael13
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. From your story, it seems like your roommate has a skill with picking up languages. She has interests in foreign films, music, and books.
That doesn’t make her boring. That opens up a minimum of 3 new worlds and cultures for her to explore.
You don’t really speak on her personality or yours for that matter. A personality is a group of characteristics/qualities that make a person who they are.
Describing her personality would include her disposition. Is she a happy-go-lucky, go-with-the-flow kind of person? Is she an ‘anxious nervous need-to-plan-everything’ person? Her language skills aren’t a reflection of her personality and your lack of language skills isn’t a reflection of yours.
But your lack of understanding and judgment and jealousy of your roommate does speak to your personality. Turn on subtitles. Listen to the beat of the music you don’t understand. Music is universal. I don’t speak Spanish or French and I still enjoy songs in both languages.
Maybe do some self-reflection because it sounds like you may be insecure and you’re projecting that onto your roommate. So again, YTJ.” Acceptable-Site
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, nowhere does this seem like a personality trait, she just knows other languages and you seem super jelly about it.
Personality traits would be bringing up another language all the time with strangers who don’t speak it, interjecting all places she uses her languages, etc.
I am horrible at languages, but I still watch tv and listen to music in other languages because good content is good content.
Subtitles exist if it really matters for that reason.
Rather than being a jerk, why not apologize and ask her for recommendations if you’re actually interested in bonding and not acting out some teenage high school bully aesthetic? Or invite her to do something fun together that doesn’t involve her interests?” DisastrousProblem631
6. AITJ For Not Listening To My Wife?
“My wife (31F) is upset with me (31M) for according to her, not listening to her. This is how the situation went down.
I was in my office watching a video when my wife who just got out of the shower came in to tell me a story about something that happened to her work colleague. I proceeded to pause the video, listen to her, and responded to her.
She left back to the bedroom, which is nearby so I can still hear her if she needs to talk. I pressed play on the video and continued listening before I heard her suddenly picking up on the same conversation as before.
I pressed pause on the video and responded to her.
She stopped talking, I pressed play once more. She started talking again, I paused again and responded to her once more. This process happened probably about 5 times within the space of 10 minutes.
Eventually, she asked if she was disturbing me because she noticed I kept pressing play to watch a video when she stopped talking. I said no, you’re not a disturbance, I’ll watch the video finished when we’re done talking.
Regardless of this, she thinks I was being disrespectful for watching the video between each pause in the conversation.
I don’t think I was, so, AITJ in this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I think this situation presents an opportunity for growth in your relationship. Take the time to engage in a meaningful conversation with your wife about expectations.
Help each other understand what is wanted/needed when you are engaging each other. In this example, you may find it helpful to recognize when you are doing something and there is an ‘interruption’, to express that you value the interaction with each other and you are willing to ‘pause’ until you both are satisfied with the exchange.” IntelligentRound5423
Another User Comments:
“Mild ‘everyone sucks here’. Continuing to resume your video means you were not participating in this conversation. You were waiting for her to be done speaking, answering, then going back to your video.
That’s ok, there’s nothing wrong with being busy or in the mood to watch a video.
But you did prioritize watching the video above conversation with her which is mildly jerkish to your wife.
Your wife saw you were watching something and that it had your attention. You had started this before she was even done with her shower, but she kept peppering you with conversation anyway and interrupting your watching which is a bit inconsiderate.
So that mildly sucks too, though to be clear there’s nothing wrong with a wife interjecting to talk to her husband.” CobraPuts
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here/ mild ‘everyone sucks here’
She thought you were having a conversation.
You didn’t. Simple misunderstanding. No one needs to be a jerk for just not immediately understanding exactly what is going on in their SO’s mind.
But yeah, she could have been more clear able her intention to talk when you were clearly watching a movie.
And you could have been more clear about letting her know what you were doing and responding more accurately when she asked.” windowtothesoul
5. AITJ For Yelling At My Sister-In-Law On Mother's Day?
“It’s mother’s day weekend and my (M31) brother and sister-in-law and their kids (F5Y and F6Y) were in town to visit with our mom.
Right before any visit, my mom like all only comes to me not to start drama with my brother’s family. She even told my new wife (F27) not to start drama, but doesn’t tell the same story to the other family.
A bit of back story, my sister-in-law is one of those people that will say the nastiest thing to you but in a polite manner. My mom has known about how I can’t stand her and her comments. Getting back to the story, they are in town and we being a family go to visit.
We brought our female husky over for the girls to play but all they did was run and scream when the dog ran past them. But they got mad and called our dog bad because she didn’t listen to you.
So as usual the SIL is talking behind our backs about our dog to my mother. Mom didn’t say anything to SIL so me and wife leave. Parents wondering why and we told them that the SIL doesn’t like our dog so we are leaving.
On Sunday, just me and the wife went to my parents’ house for mother’s day lunch. My brother’s family was still there, me and the wife were still upset about yesterday but we moved forward and tried to ignore the SIL.
As the day went on the girls would only play Christian music and it made me and my wife uncomfortable listening to the music so we had Alexa stop the music. I stepped outside to vape because I needed the nicotine, as my wife was getting asked left right, and center about why she isn’t Christian.
My wife came to me and told me what was going on. She stepped outside because she was so flustered. So I tried to have a conversation with the 7-year-old. When I walked up to her and said I need to talk to you.
The 7-year-old replied back saying I am not going to listen to you. At that point, the SIL yelled at me saying I will not talk to her kids like that, and then I lost all patience and yelled back saying you will not talk bad about my wife anymore, mind you keeping the curse words out because the kids.
But I and my wife left again not saying bye to any family. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your mother has to tell you and your wife not to start drama… because you clearly love to start drama. LOL.
You get mad because two little kids didn’t like your dog.
So you dramatically leave the gathering.
You get mad because two little kids play Christian music. So you proceed to turn the music off (rude, it’s not your house and they’re not your guests, but your mother’s. If she wants the music on, then it stays on).
Your wife gets upset because two little kids ask her questions about her religion. So you proceed to… try and address the issue with the little kids?! All you had to do was tell the parents to make sure their children don’t question your wife about the topic anymore.
You got told not to be aggressive to two little kids (and rightly so), so you yelled and then dramatically left, again.
The fact you can’t see how the only problematic people here are you and your wife makes everything a bit funnier.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
The kids didn’t like your dog. That’s life – not everyone likes dogs, especially not big dogs like huskies. It doesn’t exactly sound like you had the dog under control.
You didn’t like the music so you turned it off… kinda rude, it’s not your home so generally, you should ask before doing this.
The kids were bothering your wife with their questions – perfectly valid, so address it with their parents. Don’t take it up with a 7-year-old, that’s ridiculous.
I can kinda see why your mother told you not to start stuff because it comes across as you and your wife looking for things to be offended by.” happybanana134
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You brought dogs to someone else’s house… Did you ask permission? It’s not out of the realm of possibility that small children might be scared of a big dog, especially if they aren’t around large dogs normally.
Then you get all butt hurt because they called your dog a bad dog for not listening and decided to leave. Then the next day you don’t like Christian music so you turn it off. And instead of dropping it and moving on, you decide to try to chastise a child over them listening to music.
Your SIL didn’t like how you were speaking to her child and told you that, and instead of understanding because you had the same situation except it was a dog, you decided to yell at her about talking bad about your wife.
And at no point in the story did you say that they talked bad about your wife. You’ve only said that they asked her why she isn’t a Christian. I don’t know, unless there’s more to this story it points to you being the jerk.” *************
4. AITJ For Breaking My Son's Routine?
“I (M35) live with my partner (F45) and son (M13) and everyone was busy this morning, so I ran into the bathroom to get myself ready and notice my son’s empty bowl of cereal sitting on the bathroom countertop.
I heard my partner walk by and say something to him about it so I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal. Once I finished my business I left and went to tell him he could get in the clean up his mess.
I found him brushing some of the fuzz off his clothes with one of those red toothy brushes, and our dialog is as follows:
Me: The bathroom’s open so you can grab your bowl.
Son: Okay, thanks. (Continues brushing for several minutes.)
Me: I am going to need you to do this with some expediency.
Son: I’ll get to it sometime this morning.
Me: (Assuming that he will forget in the morning rush, and also irritated that he left a dirty dish in the bathroom)
Me: Okay, now I need you to please stop what you’re doing and go clean up the bowl right now.
Son: No.
Me: No? Ten minutes off screen time.
My son proceeded to lose his mind and start backpedaling that he had said he’d only be a few minutes, that I was being disrespectful of him, and he brushed past me to complain to his mother about it.
She was already rushing and just chose to shut the door and finish her makeup. My son then tried to convince me that I was being unreasonable and that he had said a much more agreeable version of what he had.
I shut him down and told him no, he had not asked for a few minutes that he had been caught having been flippant and that I wasn’t giving him his screen time back, so I wanted him to stop trying to convince me to.
He took the bowl and made a bunch of noise about how crazy and unreasonable I was.
Later, as I was getting dressed my partner told me that the conflict was unnecessary and that I didn’t need to order him to drop what he was doing and clean up his mess.
She reminded me that my son has difficulty deviating from routine and that she was in a rush and didn’t need the extra hassle this morning. So I ended up with both of them angry at me.
My son has ADHD, so I can see how breaking a routine can be hard, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him to clean up after himself.
Asserting his time management is great, but just telling me no flat-out feels disrespectful. Yet I still feel awful. Am I being a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I think you need to reevaluate how you communicate with your son about these things.
You say he has ADHD and that can really change how they prioritize things that may seem easy for you to just deal with. While you are right he didn’t tend to his chore right then and there, he feels like he’s being treated unfairly because for all we know he was thinking about it but got distracted by something out of his control.
Patience is important here and you can have an open dialogue about what you want from him while also having rules in your house.” salec83
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Besides him being in his morning routine and having ADHD, you also changed the terms of your request, which is unfair.
You chose to change the request to an immediate demand for no reason other than your personal pride. You also robbed him of the chance to actually follow through by assuming he would not.
I will also state that a simple ‘no’ from a 13-year-old does not count as ‘disrespect.’ ‘Screw you old man’ would be disrespectful.
It is absolutely normal for any 13-year-old to start setting their own boundaries, including not responding positively to what they consider unreasonable requests.
Your partner is absolutely correct here. This is a battle that did not need to be fought.
At all.” 1962Michael
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for this instance, but your wife has a point about your son’s routine, as that routine likely really helps him manage given his ADHD. Forcing him to break it regularly will cause him a lot of stress and likely lead to other issues, like him forgetting to put his homework in his backpack.
If leaving his dishes around is a persistent problem, then look for a long-term way to help him manage that. Perhaps you guys work together to make a morning checklist so he gets ready, then can double-check that he’s done everything on the list – including putting his dishes away.
That way he doesn’t have to break his routine to do one-offs but can catch them before he leaves for school. The list could be on paper and posted somewhere convenient for him like his bedroom door, maybe even with a copy on the front door initially while he’s getting used to it.
Or it could be in a phone app – some let him check things off each day and then reset the list for use again the next day.
Lay out consequences ahead of time. Breakfast dishes left out when he leaves for school means x minutes off his daily screen time, and he can’t use any of that screen time until he’s cleaned up said dishes including hand washing them so he’s the one dealing with the crust of old milk.
You might help him brainstorm ways to make routine activities like this provide a dopamine hit, because his brain is short on dopamine and things like putting away dishes don’t trigger that feeling of satisfaction in his brain like they do in yours.
I am not saying you’re thrilled to put away dishes, but you get subtle positive feedback in your brain for doing so, which helps you maintain that habit. His brain doesn’t produce that. But if there’s a way to gamify it so he gets a dopamine hit, it will help provide positive reinforcement and brain wiring to do mundane tasks and will help him improve over time.
Some adults with ADHD set a timer and try to beat the clock doing dishes each night. Others narrate their activities like they’re a sports announcer. ‘Woah folks, Joe’s going in for that cereal bowl! Will he be able to grab it?
YES! He has the bowl! Now he has to run all the way through the house to the kitchen without getting sidelined. Let’s see how he does! He’s down the hall and approaching the stairs, this is the tricky part!
He did it! He made it all the way to the kitchen and put the bowl in the dishwasher! The crowd goes wild!’
To a neurotypical person, this may seem excessive. But it’s just a way of accepting that ADHD brains don’t work the same way, and a little change in how to approach things can make him much more successful.
If you approach him calmly and with the tone of wanting to find a way to support him in doing things that may feel difficult for him, rather than approaching him as the judgmental parent, you’re much more likely to have success.
And you’ll be helping your son accept his ADHD and learn how to live with it productively rather than feeling ashamed of it.” pupperoni42
3. AITJ For Returning My Kid's Christmas Present?
“I (42 F) have 3 daughters ages 11 (twins), and 16.
My ex-husband is no longer around to spoil them like he usually does. The divorce was finalized exactly 1 year ago, since then he changed his number and has not even bothered to call our daughters and I, as a nurse working long hours, am doing my best to provide for 3 girls.
I am still doing everything I can to find him because he hasn’t been paying lately and I’ve been very busy anyway.
I asked the girls asked what they wanted for Christmas. My 11-year-olds wanted a Nintendo Switch with the latest pokemon game, and my 16-year-old wants the iPad pro with the pencil.
I do the best I can for my daughters but unfortunately, I have a limited budget and I told them this. I told my daughter that it would be extremely difficult to get an iPad pro but I will do the best I can.
At that point, it seemed like we came to an understanding.
My intended budget for Christmas shopping was $500, and since I could not afford the iPad she wanted, I got her a Samsung tablet for $160 so I had to stretch it thin to make sure everyone gets presents.
Fast forward to Christmas day and when the girls opened their gifts, the twins were happy to get their switch and 2 pokemon games. My oldest 16 threw a fit that it was not the iPad pro that she wanted.
I told her that I could not afford an $800 tablet so I got her a very good brand tablet instead.
She started yelling at me and calling me the worst mom ever and how she misses dad. I told her that if she misses her father so much, call him, knowing that at this point that phone number is disconnected. I told her that she needs to understand that her father is not around anymore, and I have to take care of her and her sisters on my own and money is very scarce.
I can only do so much. If this is the attitude I get for making sure she gets something for Christmas, I’ll return the tablet. She’s old enough to get a job anyway.
My daughter burst into tears and ran to her room.
We have not spoken much since the incident.
The next day I returned the tablet to the store and that was the end of it. Despite my oldest acting like a complete spoiled brat on Christmas, I felt like I should have been more understanding of her situation as her father and I recently divorced and it must have been harder for her and her sisters, especially since dad disappeared.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Was she being a bit of a brat? Yeah. But come on. She’s 16. Her dad is AWOL. Her mom got her sisters exactly what they wanted for Christmas but didn’t get her what she wanted. She definitely overreacted.
But your response wasn’t to wait until things had calmed down to talk to your daughter, which would have been the mature and correct way to go. No, you decided to return it the very next day. You also, in some messed up part of your brain, thought that telling your daughter whose father has abandoned her to call him if she misses him so much??
Great parenting.
She’s clearly going through a lot. I get that your ex left you with a lot on your plate here but she’s a teenager and her dad abandoned her. You definitely should have been more understanding.
I am not saying you had to have gotten her an iPad but you seriously thought that returning her Christmas gift was the right move here? And why haven’t you spoken to her about this yet? This happened over a month ago.
Again, I feel for you and the situation your ex left you in. But. Your daughter is a child. Who is clearly acting out because her dad abandoned her? What are you doing to help her through this? Is she in therapy?
Honestly you both sound like you need therapy, and your other kids would probably benefit from it as well.” NJtoOx
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, her whole life has changed, and she doesn’t have the ability to handle it like an adult.
The only constant in her life is her mom.
You failed before Christmas. You should have sat her down, and told her that it is impossible to afford an $800 tablet. And, then found (together) several possible things that she would be excited to get.
Saying… Extremely difficult leaves hope. A lot of hope for a teenager who, up till Christmas morning, saw her mother as a single mom superhero. You set her up only to let her down.
When she acts like a disappointed teenager who already sees life as completely unfair.
You yell and lose your temper. And tell her tough luck. Your clue came in when she cried for a parent who abandoned her. What she was saying is that she missed her life before the bomb went off. You should have hugged her, allowed her to cry, and agreed that it was not fair.
Unless you fix this. She’ll remember this Christmas as the year when she lost everything, including you.
Out of curiosity, how much responsibility does your teenager have when it comes to her siblings? Do you get everyone up dressed, fed, and out the door for the day?
Are you there when they get home or meet them at the bus stop? Are you there at dinnertime and for homework? Is your teen sharing this responsibility with you?” Eastern_Effective_87
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I am sorry it’s hard.
But it is hard for your daughter as well. She misses her father, it’s the first Christmas without him. I can’t imagine how abandoned your children feel, knowing that their father doesn’t want anything to do with them.
She’s a child who lost her father, and she is a child who likely has been growing a whole lot up the last year.
I did when my parents divorced. And then on Christmas eve/day when she hoped to feel like a child, you gave her false hope. Seeing the siblings getting their wish, and opening a box looking like an Ipad, you should have known it would be a disappointment.
And I don’t say you should have given her an iPad, you could not afford it. But you could have told her beforehand, or given her something else.
She is not the jerk for being disappointed or for acting out under the circumstances.
You, on the other hand, are the jerk for not understanding that your daughter is grieving and need you to be a supportive adult, for telling her to grow up and get a job on Christmas, and for lashing out at her, because she mentions her father.
And rubbing salt in the cut, by mentioning how he abandoned his children.” TinylittlemouseDK
2. AITJ For Using My Wife's Funds To Help Friends And Family?
“I am the breadwinner in our home. My wife has the much tougher job of being a stay-at-home mom and wrangling our offspring.
She works hard to make sure we have everything we need.
Our budget is pretty simple. We put away about 15% of my earnings every month. Then we pay all the bills. Whatever is left we split and we can use it however we want.
I like to use mine to work on my hobbies or treat us to a night out. I pay for the babysitter and whatever activity we do that night. She uses hers to go to a spa or to buy herself pretty things that make her happy.
Every once in a while she will ask if we can send money to her family. Not because her family is homeless or anything. They just earn less than we do. Like in November, she asked if we could give her brother $500.
He wanted to get his kids a PS5 for Christmas.
I think that was the last straw. I told her that we could but it would be the last time that I contributed money to give away to people who just asked her for it.
December went fine but then in January one of her friends had car problems and needed to rent a car to run errands and drive her kids around. My wife gave her money. When she told me about it I said I was proud of her for sticking to our agreement that any money she decided to give away would come from her fun money and not ours.
She looked really sour and asked if I was really not going to help her pay for her spa day with her friends. I said yes because I had spent my money on a new drone already. She asked if we could take money from our savings account to pay.
I said no because that is for emergencies and household expenses.
She is mad at me for not helping her friend. I pointed out that she could have kept her money and driven her friend around on errands and to pick up her kids.
She said I was being a jerk and slammed the door.
For the record, my kids and I are still playing games on our PS4 and switch. She gives away our money to be a big shot. I don’t have that need.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but her being mad you don’t want to help her friend, she gave her money then told you. No, you do not want to help her friend because that’s not your responsibility and neither is her family’s.
She only wants to help when it’s coming from your money. Well, now she needs to choose to help others or treat herself. That’s her choice and if I were you this would be my hill to die on. Just because others mooch off her doesn’t mean you need to foot the bill.” 30ninjazinmybag
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife is very generous when it’s not her money that she’s giving out, but soon turned sour when it has to come out of her pocket…
She wants to buy her nephews/nieces a PS5 or give her friend money to rent a car, fine.
But why would she think you’d pay for that?
You already say you pay for nights out and babysitters, which makes this even worse…” MattyJMP
Another User Comments:
“NTJ with respect to your budget splitting (your wife shouldn’t expect you to agree with her spending priorities, or berate you if you don’t since you have an arrangement that you both agreed to).
But you don’t sound very charitable when you talk petulantly about how buying a drone and gaming systems is a better use of your funds than helping out a friend or family member. Maybe you could think about updating your budget model to set aside another 5-10% of your (obviously more than sufficient) income to help others – whether that’s charitable giving to various organizations, or just doing kindness for people you know, or meet.
Building compassion and generosity into your life might make you a happier, more appreciative person, and would set a good example for your son, especially if you involve him in your philanthropy. Plus it might help to improve the communication and shared goals between you and your wife.
And (in my honest opinion) it would make your little corner of the world a lot better place than another drone would.” Any_Ad4410
1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go On A Vacation With My Ex?
“I wanted to take my kids to see my family but as that required international travel I needed my ex to give me permission.
He finally agreed, on the condition that for every day I was out of the country with our kids, I owed him 3 days to do whatever he wanted with them even if that meant I had to be there too.
I owe him 15 days and he wants to take them to Portugal. He expects me to go with them but I really don’t want to. I’ve been trying to renegotiate with him but he said I can’t change the terms after he’s already given me what I wanted and that I should’ve expected this.
I assumed he was going to want the kids to spend overnights with him for the days but I didn’t think he would want to take them abroad.
I told him I wasn’t going yesterday so things have blown up between us as from his perspective it’s unfair that I can go abroad with our kids and he can’t.
Our youngest is 13 months and we both agree he shouldn’t be separated from me for 15 days which is why he can’t take him yet. I did mention that he could take them once our youngest is older but he wouldn’t accept that as a compromise.
He outright said I had no choice and is using the fact that our oldest is excited to go to guilt me into backing down. His compromise is offering to invite his brother and his partner if I am too scared to be alone with him which isn’t much of a compromise, in my opinion.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This deal would not hold up in a courtroom. He knew you wanted to go and see family with your children and used that to manipulate a ridiculous deal. Do not do it. If there are any more issues like this in the future, then take him to court.
He undoubtedly wants to spend time with you. Everyone knows why. Are you in a current relationship? If you are, then he might be using this to cause problems for you in that relationship. Ex sounds like a master manipulator.” Honest-Illusions
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. For the simple reason, you agreed to your ex’s conditions. He said yes you can but… and you agreed and now you’re making the surprised Pikachu face? You should have clarified. All that said I wouldn’t want to go on an abroad trip with my ex either but you’ve allowed your ex to put you in this position.
You need to get legal counsel and the custody agreement spelled out for these situations going forward.” tamrynsgift
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and that agreement is insane. You asked to take your children abroad for 5 days. He is asking to go abroad as well, so it should be for the same 5 days.
Also, did you agree to a timeframe in which he could have these 15 days? If it doesn’t have to be in this year, just delay those days until your youngest can travel without you. Also, did you agree that the 15 days had to be all together?
Just say he can have 5 of those days now and the rest later.
Talk to your attorney as this agreement is insane.
NTJ” drtennis13
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You made an agreement that you are backing out of after you already agreed to the terms and took advantage of it so you could travel.
This is very advantageous of you and makes it sound like you have no intention of ever meeting your half of the bargain. You also are very hypocritical for leaving the country and complaining that he wants to do the same.
He on the other hand is using the agreement as a way to force you to do what he wants, and it is pretty unreasonable to ask for that in my opinion.
I think there are plenty of compromises that you both could be making here but since neither of you you both was using this agreement to get something out of the other one, congratulations you are one up on him at this point.” wise-ish
