People Intend To Clear Their Name With Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

“My (42M) ex-wife (36F) recently got married to her partner Grant (50M). She and my son (13M, Eric) now live in Grant’s house with his three kids (18M, 16F, 14F). When I picked him up at their house today, I realized that my son does not call Grant by his name or by a variation of father/dad but as ‘Sir’.

Like saying ‘Goodbye, Sir’, ‘Thanks for everything, Sir’, or ‘Happy New Year, Sir’. I found it very weird. My son has never been so respectful and disciplined.

I talked with Eric about it and he says it is a rule at Grant’s house and that he does not have a problem with it at all.

My ex-wife says Grant does not let his own kids call him by his first name because he finds that to be disrespectful so he is clearly not going to allow that with Eric. They didn’t want to pressure Eric into calling Grant dad or something like that, so generally calling him ‘Sir’ in a respectful manner was the solution.

I said that this must stop. I think I should have been asked my opinion before any of this started and I don’t think my son should be forced to call Grant in a specific way. That is not the way a kid should be raised. He should be fully free to choose whatever makes him happy.

My ex-wife does not take my feelings about this seriously and has not been open to changing this rule. I have been insisting on this all day but she does not care and now she is getting angry because she says I am annoying.

Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

It’s perfectly reasonable for you to be concerned by this. It sounds like Grant wants to impose himself as a super-authority figure, both over his own kids and now yours.

As long as Eric doesn’t have a problem with it, you shouldn’t keep bringing it up.

But you definitely want to keep an eye on things and make sure Eric can get in touch with you at any time. ‘Sir’ isn’t a red flag, but it could be followed by them.” Sharkmato

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

This isn’t any of your business. As the divorced spouse, you have nearly zero control over what happens in your ex’s household. Clearly, exceptions apply if your son is being mistreated. If you think him having to call his step ‘sir’ is the leading edge of emotional abuse or some such thing, you’re going to want to let your son lead, and do not bring it up with your ex or when you do have something that is real, you’re going to be undermined by repeated complaints for nothing.

Short of that, you have absolutely no role in what is going on.” BitterDoGooder

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Something important to acknowledge here is that regardless of anyone’s intent in agreeing to this arrangement, Grant and mom are creating an even greater power imbalance in their home than already exists in the dynamics of children/adult and parent/child.

Now there are 3 kids living in the house who call their father ‘dad’ and it looks like they refer to ex-wife by her name. So they all address both of you familiarly and intimately, which fosters the relationship between everyone.

Then there’s 1 child living there who must refer to Grant as ‘sir’ at all times unless he decides he’s comfortable calling him dad. There’s zero intimacy or familiarity in this dynamic and as a stepchild myself, it would definitely not make me feel that my stepdad was trying to create any kind of genuine familial connection with me.

Regardless of anyone’s intent, it defaults your son as an ‘other’ in their home.

Then there’s the double standard in the home. Either Grant believes that 1) his wife as an individual doesn’t deserve to be respected by his children for some reason and he’s fine with them blatantly disrespecting her each time they address her, or 2) he is the sole authority in the home, the one in charge, and his new wife is just another person in the home who should submit to him.

Either way, he’d made it clear he does not see his wife as his equal to some degree.

I’d be curious to ask your son if he really feels okay with this dynamic and if it really works for him, or if it’s just easier than trying to come up with an alternative that Grant feels is ‘respectful’ enough to answer to.

He’s flaunting his authority and tailoring his home environment to feed his ego. Plus the longer the situation stands, the weirder it is. Ten years from now when he’s an adult living on his own will he still be forced to say ‘mom and sir’ when he talks about his family?

Your son may not be offended by it or uncomfortable right now, but it’s almost a guarantee that he will never see Grant as family or feel like he is family to Grant in the future. And quite possibly Grant’s children by extension, especially because your son is the youngest of them all and with what they’ve been taught by their dad it’s very possible they see themselves ‘higher’ in status in the home than he is.

But of course, that is all speculation.

Having said all this, I’ll also say don’t let yourself become the jerk. Having the feelings that you have and regularly checking in with your son on his new home dynamic and his feelings about it does not make you a jerk.

Escalating a situation that all/other involved parties jointly attempt to de-escalate, or even just ignore, could make you a jerk. Especially if your son is just trying to keep the peace by accepting the rule and he ends up seeing you as the one who disrupted the peace, regardless of your good intentions.

Because your son is the one that will deal with the consequences of however you choose to handle this situation and it could very easily turn into Grant saying ‘you can run to your dad for every little thing, this is my house, my rules, etc’ and then somehow your son will still end up being the disrespectful one for discussing this with you, even if he isn’t the one who brought it up in the first place.

I don’t know. I obviously can’t know what’s really going on in everyone’s heads and hearts here, but I know this makes me feel squicky thinking about it in terms of me and my stepfather. He’s always felt like an always-present authority I had to submit to like he owned and ran the home and I just lived there.

I counted the years and months until I could move out. I visit very little now and my relationship with my mother has unquestionably suffered because of the new home dynamic introduced when she married her husband. I don’t feel like she’ll stick up for me or take my side when necessary because I’ve watched her submit to him for the last 15 years, stay quiet and out of the way when he’s clearly in the wrong, and basically let him dictate what their beliefs are.

If she has never taken up for herself I’ll never feel confident that she’ll take up for me. That’s very possibly the future your ex-wife is looking at if this ‘family’ dynamic keeps up.

I’m sorry your son is in this situation right now, he sounds like a cool and kind kid.” NatashaKBM