People Would Like Our Advice For Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. AITJ For Calling The Police On My Grandpa?
“My family and I(17f) recently bought my grandpa’s house after we lived with him for a year, that was always the plan but we had to save up first and he was the one who offered for us to buy it as he wanted to move somewhere warmer.
Throughout the whole time of us saving up, he constantly complained about how long it was taking and how he wanted to move soon, and his partner’s lease was almost up so she had to move soon.
We finally sold our old place and gave him the bucks, but then he switched up saying he still had a lot to do in order to move. It was going to take a while for him to move, which I understand, as moving doesn’t happen overnight, but if that was the case for him, why was he always complaining about it taking too long?
He finally started to pack up his stuff and we were happy to have the house for ourselves. We had planned a family trip to an amusement park a few months ago and we left for two days, but when we got back we found my grandpa’s car gone and all the locks on the house changed, we had checked the garage and the door and windows had been boarded up and the garage remote was either in the house or gone.
My mom called my grandpa and they were arguing over the phone, apparently, he said that he wasn’t coming back to the house for a few days and he only did it so he would have time to get his stuff without us bothering him.
I was fed up at this point as he had always caused drama for no reason other than liking to cause issues, some of the things he would do to cause drama were turning the heat/air up an uncomfortable amount and putting a password on the thermostat, blocking some vents with wood so whoever he decided would either be very hot or cold, purposely hitting our car with his because he didn’t like the car, and so on.
He had already signed the contract for the house so it was completely out and he had no right to do what he did.
I went to the backyard and called the cops explaining everything and gave them his partner’s address and all the info, but when they came to our house with my grandpa, my mom was very upset with me and told me we didn’t need to bring the police into this and could’ve worked it out with him ourselves but I was so tired of his drama I thought it was the best option.
All they did was make him give us the key and asked if we would agree to give him it one day to get all his stuff out and we agreed. So am I the jerk for calling the cops on him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your grandpa didn’t lock you out. He was trying to take it and make you homeless for at least a few days. No doubt out of some self-serving emotional need. Changing the locks and boarding up the door took time.
You did the right thing.
Your dad said he agrees, but he wishes you talked with him first is him saying you did the right thing. Keep in mind he has to manage a relationship with your mom and her family.
Hence the talking with him the first part. You were both going to arrive at the same place. You just got there quicker since you didn’t have to manage those relationships to the same extent.
If anyone gives you grief over this. Keep it focused on your siblings. How a 4 year old had no place to go. Few can argue about that.
Also FYI. Even if he hadn’t sold you the house you still would have been tenants and it would have been illegal.” Spector567
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I had a situation like this. My grandmother insisted I buy her house when my husband and I were looking for houses. I became pregnant right after we bought the house.
We gave her time and helped her pack. She slowed everything down, we would sit down to go through stuff and she would stop and walk away. Finally, when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy I started pushing things along so I could get the baby’s room all set up.
She began calling relatives saying I forced her to sell me the house and I’m kicking her out.
I was shocked. Found out months later she had mini strokes at some point that might have explained her actions.” nyxisiskali2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Honestly, I think you acted more maturely than your grandfather or your mom. Your grandfather locked your family out of the house on purpose.
You say your mom was on the phone with him for half an hour, and then she spent an hour calling other people.
It does not seem your mom was able to work things out with your grandfather.
In the end, your mom and your grandfather learned not to mess with you. Well done!” Sea-Confection-2627
16. AITJ For Pretending Not To Know Spanish Around My Coworkers?
“I am an American archaeologist from New England who worked on a site in Spain for a chunk of time.
I’ve done a fair bit of work on both faunal analysis as well as the analysis of human remains, which is important later on. I never explained to my coworkers that I spoke Spanish because most of the time they opted to speak English with me so they could practice.
The story: without getting too bogged down in details, I’ll tell ya a little about the site. It’s a Roman city with three main areas of focus (a necropolis, a forum, and a residential area) which meant that most people worked within their groups of 5-8 archaeologists and talked to the others only we had lunch breaks, or afterward when we were having a beer.
As an American, it was assumed by the Spanish archaeologists that I spoke only English, though the truth is that I am very proficient in Spanish and ~vaguely~ proficient in German and French. As mentioned prior, if they wanted to talk to me or to others and wanted me to understand what they were saying, they would speak in English.
However, when they did not want me to be a part of the conversation, they would switch to very rapid Spanish.
I let this go on for a week or so because I figured if they wanted to include me in their conversations, they would.
There were some times that they made comments about the “stupid American” who “doesn’t even know what archaeology is because their country is only 250 years old” and comments of the sort, and I said nothing because if anything I thought it was amusing.
Now to the issue: there was a bar right by the field site that we would frequent after work, and I became friends with one of the bartenders who spoke only Spanish. After work some of us went to this bar, and the bartender greeted me in Spanish, and I responded in kind and we had a conversation about our work days.
The other archaeologists heard this and realized that at the very least I vaguely understood Spanish and had probably been listening to their conversations for the last two weeks. One of them called me out for it and said I’m a jerk for not telling them I spoke Spanish.
I’m pretty sure I am not the jerk but figured Reddit has better judgment than me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They had a bias that you were a stupid American, they assumed from the moment they saw you and knew where you came from.
I can understand living where I do. But, sounds like they’re just trying to justify their own actions and the way they’ve talked about you. That is their own biases that they need to unpack and deal with and accept the shame they feel for, and I’m guessing by some of the things you mentioned they said really toxic things to say like I get it hating America is an easy thing to do but to bring these behaviors and beliefs into your work relationships specifically, what should be a professional workplace is absolutely unacceptable and good on you for being as understanding as you have been about it.” PepperCapital
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I think you were intentionally withholding the info that you speak Spanish from them just waiting for them to talk about you. It seems kinda arrogant and just plain unnecessary. It would have been so easy for you to simply let them know that you know Spanish.
I frankly think it’s very weird that you didn’t. My native language isn’t English but I live in a small country were everyone is expected to know English and foreigners expect us to know English but sometimes it’s honestly exhausting to have to speak English all day for the sake of a foreigner.
I would actually be really upset if it turned out I had spoken English all day everyday for the sake of someone who could as well have spoken my native language. Also, it kinda seems like you just assume they wanted to practice their English.
If it is just an assumption and not something they told directly that’s also really arrogant of you.” fraros
Another User Comments:
“Ntj. It’s never a good idea to assume someone doesn’t speak the language you’re using.
One of my mom’s buddies was a cop. Looked like a stereotypical Irish-American – red hair, pale skin, and blue eyes. He and his coworkers busted some members of a Vietnamese gang in my hometown.
They were read their rights and placed in a room together. The gang members spoke openly in front of this pasty white cop, but in Vietnamese.
When my mom’s friend heard what he needed, he thanked them, in Vietnamese, and left the room.
Turns out he was fluent.
The gang members wound up pleading guilty.” BarRegular2684
15. AITJ For Wishing I Never Gave My Partner A Job At My Business?
“Last year my partner (27M) was really struggling in his job, the pay was not enough for his effort and it wasn’t worth the mental load. So, I (21F) decided to offer him an assistant job at my small business (tattoo shop).
I was alone and I thought it would be an amazing idea because I needed some help in customer service since there was only me and I could offer him the same payment and even a little more.
We both agreed that it would be something temporal meanwhile he finds another job or chooses to study another career. But, It’s almost a year now and he’s made some comments about staying for a long time and not trying to find another job, this business is in a small town and there’s only me as an artist, I do have a lot of customers but also a lot of bills and I have to support us.
We still live at our parents’ homes, but I’ve tried talking to him about finding an apartment together so maybe he would try to find a job so we can support having a home for the two of us, but his response is mostly that I have to work harder so we can make more salary.
Here is where heck broke loose in my head. I realized that he’s been working for me for almost a year and never tried finding something else to support us. Also, he demanded a raise even though.
He’s seen that I have bills and a whole load in my back being only 21, having my business, and studying in college. I’m not saying he hasn’t helped me a lot, but I would really like it if he finds something else to help us.
Today I suggested he applies for a call center stay-at-home job since a friend is doing it too. He agreed and I supported him. We even found an apartment we like, the thing is that he said: “If I don’t get the job we can still move to the apartment because you could work more time.” And I said that I wouldn’t agree to that, and he got very upset.
We argued because he says I’m a negative person, but I get really sad because he can see me struggling managing everything, he knows that I’m getting back problems and very tired from working/studying and he wants me to work more to support the both of us.
There is a lot more to this, but I really need some feedback.”
Another User Comments:
“Ntj. I own a store, my husband works for me. The way you guys are doing this isn’t working.
It was really nice of you (or naive) but get him out of there asap. You don’t live together, he’s at home with his parents, and this is the best course of action. Working with a spouse can be a relationship ending for a lot of people (I am super lucky).
He’s not a spouse, he’s a partner. He has no skin in the game. It sounds like you are a one-man operation. Switch to appointment only and you do not need to have a receptionist. His attitude of dependence on you is alarming.
You are only 21 and should not be the breadwinner. To take this even further I would suggest moving on from him completely. He sounds like a homosexual. You seem to very much have your life together and are filled with ambition.
This guy is just going to drag you down.” MacaronDeep1014
Another User Comments:
“Ntj. You already know the answer. He has shown you for the past year what the rest of your life will be like.
He isn’t even trying to be smooth or clever about it. He is literally just saying “No, you do it!” Like a 5-year-old. He doesn’t even have a reason other than he is just freaking lazy and doesn’t respect or care for you whatsoever- even at the most basic level- even in support of his own selfish interests- your physical well-being.
He hasn’t even asked himself, how are you going to support you both if you ruin your back by the time you’re 25? Then what?
What a selfish jerk. I hate to be the person to say it, but- finances are abundant and of low value.
Men need to be bringing something to the table beyond the most basic of offerings, and this guy is literally doing worse than bringing nothing to your table- he is taking everything you have lovingly brought to it, telling you it’s not good enough, and demanding you bring him more and having you carry the extra heavy china out at every meal just because he can.
Dang. You’re asking if you’re the jerk? This guy’s really got you. You should run, not walk, out of this “relationship”. You’re too young to give up and settle like this so early in life.
Please, please, PLEASE don’t. Nobody is going to look out for you, but you. He certainly isn’t. How much worse do you want that back pain to get, and is he worth it? You have to have your own back.
Sorry for the pun.” sheisthemoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you tried to help him and you see that it’s not working out. There’s no point in you working on your own business and he’s dragging you down financially.
You’re smart enough to open a business and go to school, you’re smart enough to realize this relationship isn’t working for you.
Give him X amount of time to find a new job. Financially you can’t afford to continue to employ him.
Do NOT move in with him. Save up to move out on your own. There’s no reason you need to continue financing and supporting him, unless you plan to do this for the rest of your time with him.
He’s shown you who he is and he’s not going to change. Either accept that you’ll always be the breadwinner or move on.” junegemini808
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Get Rid Of My Pet Snake To Make My Roommate Happy?
“I (22F) live with a roommate (29F) and her son (10M) in an apartment.
We split rent and bills and it works well for us. We get along well most of the time and I look after my roommate’s son from time to time for free to help out.
I have a ball python. She’s very shy and sweet, I’ve had her since I was 12 years old. She was a gift from my mom who was a herpetologist. My mom has since passed away so my snake is extra special to me.
My roommate hates snakes but since I keep her in my room she has tolerated it.
In the past, I have let my roommate’s son hold my snake and help me feed her. He always seemed interested in snakes and I love sharing my passion for reptiles with people.
I have told him many times that if he wants to see her, he has to ask me first because he’s young and I don’t trust him to handle her carefully alone. His mom was okay with it until now.
A few days ago he went into my room without my permission, went through my drawers to find the key to her enclosure, and took my snake out while she was shedding. When a snake is shedding they are practically blind and get very defensive.
My snake hissed at him because she was scared, which startled him and he started to cry.
I was at work and my roommate began blowing up my phone saying my “dangerous snake” hissed at her kid and that I can’t have her in our home anymore.
She demanded I rehome my snake! I angrily told her no, I was not rehoming my snake, and when I got home I scolded her son for going into my room and messing with her without me present.
My roommate was furious and told me that her son was not in the wrong. I told her he absolutely was because he was aware of my rules and not to mess with my animal without me there to supervise him, plus he knows better than to just go into my room when I’m not home.
Not to mention he went through my personal drawers to get the key!
My roommate and I have been fighting about this since it happened. I have started locking my door to prevent her and her son from going in there.
I think it was a good lesson for her kid not to mess with my snake. My roommate is adamant that my snake is dangerous and needs to go. Both she and some our friends have told me I’m the jerk for having a snake in the same vicinity as a child, yet a dog or cat that can bite MUCH WORSE than a snake is somehow fine?
Plus she didn’t even bite, she hissed as a warning because she wanted to be left alone!
She is worried my snake will bite him and since we JUST renewed the lease neither of us want to break it to move out.
She tried to get our landlord on her side but my landlord said it’s not his business and I am allowed to have the snake.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You and your snake did nothing wrong!
That kid invaded your privacy. Your roommate should be teaching her son about responsibilities, natural consequences, and boundaries! She let’s you have a car around her kid even though he could snoop around and get your keys and drive off with it and crash.
If having her child near a snake was a problem, it should have been one before you started living together. Also a non-snake person generally wary and a bit fearful of snakes, I knew a very sweet and shy female ball python before and she was incredible!
Anyway, keep your snake and don’t listen to them! If anything, you have the right to be mad that that kid endangered your snake! Idk much about snakes but I’ve heard they are easily, accidentally hurt by humans during shedding.
Also he could have accidentally fed her poisonous things and just hurt her being a kid! It sounds like there is a severe lack of parenting here.” Valorose343
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Why should you have to get rid of your sweet, beautiful snake just because she can’t be bothered to watch her son or set boundaries for him?
Every 10 year old on the planet knows not to just go on in to somebody’s bedroom! Why doesn’t he seem to? Especially as you’d already asked him not to. And she hissed at him? The audacity!
The next female’s room he enters without permission will likely do more than that.
And your snake will outlive however long you have to deal with any roommate. They can live a really long time, plus she’s important to you.
She’s from your mother who knew you’d love and care for her, which you have done and are doing.
And if you’re willing, please could I request a snake tax?” Impossible_Disk_43
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he went into your room and got into your snake’s enclosure behind your back after you specifically told him not to do it without you. This should be a good lesson for him not to go against other people’s boundaries.
At 10 years old he should know better. Your snake did nothing wrong. Ball pythons are blind during the shedding cycle and get scared easily. I have a one-year-old ball python and she’s very sweet and has never bit or even hissed at anybody but that’s cause I know not to reach into her tank while she’s shedding or right after she’s eaten.
When I have guests over I don’t let them reach in there to play with her unless I get her out first so I can assess if she’s in a friendly mood and that goes for adults as well as kids.
Honestly, I would keep a close eye out from now on though cause I have a suspicion that your roommate might try to get rid of your snake behind your back.” miranda_w33
13. AITJ For Exposing My Parents' Double Standards?
“My stepsiblings and I had very different families.
My dad and stepmother adopted them when I was 18-21, and they are being raised in a very traditional, obey your parents, family is everything environment. I was raised the opposite of that. Something incredibly traumatic happened to my stepmother that was caused by my mother, so once I was 13, I didn’t really HAVE parents anymore.
I was not only allowed but encouraged to be out of the house as much as possible, and with no questions asked about where I was going or what I was doing. My dad would literally drive me wherever if I asked, which I rarely had to.
Around age 14, I ended up quietly moving in with a local college student who was pretty much informally running a home for rejected kids. Some of them were related to her, but most were not.
Looking back, it was an incredibly sketchy set-up, but she was genuinely a good person and the other kids involved were also the best they could be, so it managed to be okay. I’m still in touch with most of them today, and one of them is now my fiancé.
I don’t have as much contact with my family because we’re not close, but I am trying. Recently they’ve been complaining about the things they fight with their teenage kids on. They won’t let their 16 yo get birth control because they think it’s “not appropriate.” I was borderline forced on it at 13 because I was “alone too much,” so this stance of theirs is news to me, and I reminded them of that.
I didn’t realize they were on speakerphone, the kids heard it, and they freaked out.
Now my parents are mad at me for “bringing up a dark chapter” and for giving the kids information that they can’t possibly understand.
I didn’t know they didn’t know ANYTHING. I know there was a big push to sweep everything under the rug to look normal around the time of the adoptions. There wasn’t a discussion about it, but the fact that I just didn’t live there as a teenager and that they didn’t raise me at all has never really been acknowledged, but not that nobody should ever know anything.
Now my stepsiblings want to know the “truth” of their/our parents, my parents are blowing up my phone for “dredging up the past.” I don’t think I did anything wrong, but this is also making this a really sticky situation for everyone involved.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t know what they were expecting to get by asking that question considering the history, but you had no way of knowing their kids were listening in. That’s on them.
The kids’ frustration is also aimed at them for a reason: that’s where it belongs.
Your dad and stepmom punished you for something your mother did and basically abandoned you completely at an age where that was not only immoral but illegal. Without the woman who took you in any number of absolutely horrible things could have happened.
They don’t get to mistreat you and neglect you and then expect you to back up their decisions for the children they actually parent.
Do not blame yourself for any of this for even a moment.
They are catching heat for parenting with double standards and none of that is your fault.” Uhwhateverokay
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I’ve read some of your comments and I’m worried you’ve done some serious mental gymnastics due to your desire to finally have a relationship with your family.
It’s fine to forgive them. It’s not fine to convince yourself that your upbringing (or lack thereof) was fine because no harm, no foul. You were incredibly lucky to make it through your teenage years relatively unscathed. Many kids in similar situations have been groomed by creeps, ended up with severe substance use issues, tanked mental health, resorted to a life of crime, etc. That you didn’t fall into these traps is awesome, but you’re an outlier.
Your dad couldn’t have known you’d be an exception and luck out on finding a support system. He chose not to prioritize you, his child. He neglected you (finances doesn’t make it OK) and he knows it.
Your dad and stepmom are ashamed and instead of owning their faults, they’re neglecting you again by not acknowledging your past and their hand in it.
You’re obviously NTJ here. They chose to have you on speaker phone and they’re being ridiculous for expecting you to act like your life didn’t happen.
That’s my two cents as a random internet stranger. I hope everything works out for you and congrats on the engagement.” nollerum
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
1: You’re not a psychic and cannot know who is on your parent’s side of the phone, nor if they’ve got you on speaker.
2: They’re upset because they were garbage parents to you, and now their new “kids” that they’ve cultivated and nurtured know they treated you badly.
3: They are trying to make you feel guilty so you don’t reveal any more of their hypocritical, crappy parenting to their new precious kids.
None of this is your problem, it’s their problem, and I’d honestly tell them that they need to stop saying anything to you, as they were terrible parents to you, and the fact is, anything they’ve done up until this point, including adopting, doesn’t change that, especially as it seems they’ve never apologized to you.
Clearly, they expect you to go along with this farce of theirs. You’re not obligated to. Tell your siblings what you want, and tell your parents to grow up.” LadyBladeWarAngel
12. AITJ For Throwing Away The Sandwich My Sister Stole From Me?
“I (23f) am currently at home during the summer holidays from college.
At home, there’s my partner (23), mom (50), and my twin siblings (15 M & F). This issue is about my sister.
There were many times when she would snatch food from others’ plates or hands without asking, saying that she is hungry and that we are sisters and whatever.
She at times can be quite aggressive and mean; yelling and cursing at people when they anger her, and brushing off whenever talking to her about some concerns (talking to people on discord or going to hang out someplace far from home).
Things that I guess are normal with today’s teens.
Onto the problem. So two days ago, I was in the mood for an evening snack before heading to do a group exercise. We had some buns and hummus in the fridge and thought that eating a hummus sandwich would be nice.
(At that time, almost everyone was in the kitchen).
After I finished making it, my mom offered me some mango, which I agreed to. At that time my sister came, saw the sandwich and took it, I saw it and tried to take it back, but she held hard onto it as if her life depends on it!
The outcome was bad. While trying to snatch back the sandwich, it got torn apart and destroyed and our hands got covered in hummus and I threw the sandwich into the trash. She started yelling at me why I did it and that she was hungry.
I yelled back that if she was she should have asked and besides, there were more buns and hummus in the fridge; she could make her own if she wanted, she started cursing at me and saying that I am selfish (meanwhile my mom tried to stop the fight, my partner tried to talk calmly, and my brother sided with my sister).
It ended with her going upstairs (though for a little while we still argued while she was up till closing her room door), and I just ate more pieces of mango my mom cut for me and later made myself another hummus sandwich that I ate after the group exercise.
My mom thinks that I am right but says that I am letting my sister step on me. My brother still protects his sister and my partner thinks that I overreacted.
I know in some way I did react badly to the situation, but I just felt I had no control over the situation and she didn’t even offer to share it or whatever.
So, AITJ? Was I overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Next time if you really want to break her little nasty habit, make a sandwich with some Carolina reaper hot sauce, pepper, and whatever else you normally put in a sandwich.
Make it look like normal. Have some vanilla ice cream on standby.
Make sure to make a lot of noise about how good the sandwich looks and how you think it is the best one yet, make sure everyone knows how excited you are for this sandwich.
When she goes and takes it from you just blame pms and start crying about the sandwich just as she takes a bite. Why blame the pms? Because the sandwich is going to taste like crap and burn.
But if everyone knows pms is going down they will know that maybe it is a cravings thing, not a malicious intent sandwich.
Have ice cream ready for the burn. Also if this happens to her more than once she might just stay the f away from your food.
My source: step-sister trying to assert dominance over me. And I like spicy food. So I got to have my spicy food.
Also, one splash of hot sauce (Carolina or extra hot) mixed with mayo and mustard won’t hurt as bad.
So if you need to make the same sandwich again to prove it is a craving, not a malicious sandwich, it is possible. It will be very warm, but not death.” Barely-adulting
Another User Comments:
“Ntj. At some point, you have to put an end to your sister’s thievery. I mean you made the sandwich because you were hungry, too.
This type of behavior is not based on laziness. It is based on entitlement.
She feels entitled to what is yours. You do need to break her of that habit now or accept it forever. Better to break it, regardless of the commotion it causes.
Both the entitlement and the commotion will get worse the longer you wait.” fromhelley
11. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Cousin Use My Dad As Her Dad At Her Wedding?
“I (22F) have a cousin who we’ll call Elsa (22F), she’s is getting married in 2024 because the venue only has an opening until then and that way she can save up for a big wedding.
Some backstory to make it more understandable, Elsa has for lack of a better term, daddy issues. When we were growing up she’d always date older men, infantilize herself, she’d get angry whenever anyone she saw seemed to have a good relationship with their dad.
She’s tried contacting her own dad, only to no avail.
I’m probably really lucky because I have a complete family and my own dad is really close to me, I would describe myself as a daddy’s girl.
I could feel that Elsa was quite jealous of me growing up, and I did my best to cater to her, I’d tell my dad not to not hug me or ignore me when I’m around her, and at family gatherings, I wouldn’t be around him so much, I didn’t go to our school’s father-daughter dance because of Elsa.
Elsa then asked my dad to be her “father” for the wedding. She asked him to walk her down the aisle, do the father-daughter dance and do a speech. Here’s the thing though, she wants him to act like he is her bio dad the entire time, pretend he raised her, when her mom is the one who raised her, pretend she’s his daughter and not niece, its really odd.
My dad did not give a definitive answer since he’s asking my mom and me how we feel about all this. My mom and I find it incredibly uncomfortable for my dad to do all this for her wedding.
I would’ve been okay for her and my dad to walk down the aisle to in her words, “give her away”. However pretending he’s her bio dad is weird because he’d pretend to do it with his sister, also, they have a very uncle and niece relationship, so they aren’t super close.
I told my dad to please not do it since it’s uncomfortable and that he could walk her down the aisle and do the father-daughter dance, just please don’t pretend you’re her bio dad.
Well, Elsa found out, and she’s livid. She said I had my dad all of my life and she can’t have him just for her wedding day, she’s saying I’m being a jerk, a desperate hog, among other things.
I’m feeling guilty because she wants to print the invites for people to save the date so she can put my dad’s name as the father of the bride’s name. I’m not sure anymore because it’s been keeping me up all night and I really want to empathize with her, AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Asking her uncle to give her away etc. is totally acceptable and normal and it’s nice that you support that. Asking her uncle to pretend to be her ACTUAL father for the day and pretend to the guests and even have it on the invite is just plain weird.
She wants to create this big lie which is only going to blow up in her face and really this behavior just isn’t healthy.
I really hope your dad refuses and tells her he is happy to give her away at the wedding but as an uncle, not a father as that is what he is.
It sucks her dad isn’t in the picture but she will just have to make do!
I hope she speaks to someone about this, is her fiancé even ok with all the lies? Please keep us updated OP!” FlyGuy1922
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is not healthy and extremely unfair to your aunt.
I would simply reply stating he is your uncle and I support him playing the father “role” in your wedding. But asking someone to lie and hide their true identity isn’t healthy and she is putting your father, aunt, and your mother in an extremely uncomfortable position by trying to make siblings pretend to be partners because she wants to rewrite reality.
Just confirm that you will not change your stance on the matter.
You can’t hog something that is already yours. His is your father, not hers. I feel for her for not having a father figure she so wants so badly, but come on she is a grown-up.
I don’t have a fat saving account, I can’t just walk up to a family member and demand theirs because I want it and they are hogging their own finances. She needs professional help.
Note: seen some more of your comments.
Please make sure your dad doesn’t do it. She will have to continue the lie, so she will expect him to go to a family event as “dad” and when she has children she will guilt him into playing grandad and the list goes on.
If he goes through with this, he will end up playing house with his sister every time she has to get both sides of the family together.” Ok-Maracon-6211
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s sad that she doesn’t have a father in her life but we have to learn that life is unfair and there is always gonna be someone luckier than us….
You have accommodated her always, and her actions are a result of that, by you trying to make her happy, you have also made her entitled, this crazy idea is the proof… From now on stop this thing of cutting affect time with your dad because of her, she has to understand that your situation is different and she has to accept this… About the wedding, you did the right thing, she can’t create a fantasy about her life using your dad, and you guys have to set boundaries.
And be prepared to affect the relationship between the family, but remember that it’s better to be true to yourselves. If you don’t do this in the future, all the time you guys will have to give in to her, and if this is only the start, only God knows what others crazy ideas she will come up with.” Limp_Row8413
10. AITJ For Not Caring If My Mom Goes To Jail?
“My wife and I have been together for almost 7 years and we have two beautiful children together (3 years, 12m).
For almost the entire duration of our relationship, my mother has despised my wife.
To be honest, I have never quite understood why my mum hates my wife. It seemed irrational and I stopped speaking to my mum for years because of her behavior.
She was not invited to my wedding and she has never met my children.
In contrast, my in-laws are wonderful people. They don’t live in the same country as us (my wife is from a different country), so I don’t get to see them often, but I love them and they are fantastic grandparents.
My cousin died a few weeks ago and my wife and I attended the funeral. It was the first time I had seen my mum in a while and I had seen that she has a new, much younger, partner.
After the funeral, I haven’t spoken to her or her partner. It’s important to mention that my wife broke her arm and was (and still is) in a cast.
My mother-in-law (MIL) came to visit my wife and me.
One day, they were out with the kids and my wife noticed a car trailing her. They were walking on the sidewalk and my wife noticed the same car pass by her and her mum several times.
She didn’t recognize the car or the driver and was understandably scared. Imagine yourself in her situation, she’s a young, smaller, woman, being followed while she was with her elderly mother and small children.
She entered a nearby cafe and wanted to wait it out (and her mum was a little tired).
A few minutes later, a big, muscular guy approaches my wife’s booth, looking very confrontational, and told her that he was trying to get her attention a few moments ago. My wife was about to call the police when she noticed my mum.
She connected the dots and realized that this guy was my mom’s partner, though he looked very different. My mum tried to squeeze her way into the booth and told my wife that she looked like she needed “help,” (because of her cast) pushing the stroller around and wanted to set up a “date,” to make amends.
My wife was extremely mad. She told my mum that if she, or her partner, were to come close to our children ever again, she would call the cops. My MIL said that she had never seen her so angry before.
She told them to get away from them and I’m sure cursed them out a bit (not in English).
Later that day, my mom called me in tears. She told me that my wife threatened her and her man and “cursed” them.
She said that she was trying to be a good person but my wife was being unreasonable. I had already heard what had happened from my wife and I told her that my wife was justified, and I wouldn’t care if she got the police called on her or went to jail.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is crazy stalker behavior. Normal people who genuinely wanted to make amends would start by picking up their phone to call or by writing a letter- and ASK for the opportunity to meet in person or go on a “date.” Stalking, harassing, and intimidating is NOT normal and not ok.
I agree with the person who commented they probably want something, and it’s doubtful that whatever it is, is not a genuine relationship with your wife. It’s probably finances, access to your kids, the opportunity to try and break you up again, etc., etc.
I’m sorry that your kids met their “grandmother” for the first time (assuming) that way as well. If I were in your wife’s shoes I’d absolutely refuse any further contact and definitely would call the cops if they tried to approach me again.” MainEgg320
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I would do a couple of important steps to ensure the safety of your wife and children. First, call the police and see what you need to file for a restraining order.
It might be that your Mom has not done enough so to speak to warrant a restraining order being granted but it won’t hurt to inquire, 2nd call a lawyer, and have them send your Mom and her BF a cease and desist letter, spelling out that you do not want her or her partner to contact you, your wife or come near any of you or you will file harassment charges against her and her partner.
3rd make sure you have a security system in place at the home so that if your Mother decides to drop by you can have a recording of it. You need to do whatever it takes to protect your family.
Your mom’s actions scream at someone who was trying to kidnap your children. I mean her stalking and following them and then attempting to separate them from your wife all sounds like a poorly planned kidnapping plot in a movie.” Scarletzoe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife was put into a frightening situation. She was walking with her two young children and her elderly mother. She noticed the car following them, knew they were all in danger, and quickly went into a public area where there was a reasonable assumption of some safety.
This big dude she doesn’t know came in and approached her in an aggressive manner. I think her reaction was quite reasonable under the circumstances.
No “good” person would put someone through that type of scare.
The only jerks here are your mother and her partner.” GailleannBeag
9. AITJ For "Bullying" A Guy That Has Autism?
“A new guy has been showing up for a while (let’s call him Ben). He says he has autism, but he’s also previously said that he has OCD and ADHD, and the chances of one person having all three conditions is pretty slim, but not impossible, so I don’t know how true that is.
Ben has a lot of problematic behavior that’s caused a lot of us, but especially me, to avoid him.
I’m a very huggy person so when I show up I hug a bunch of people as greetings (Only with the people who are okay with it).
I used to hug Ben, but he always squeezes too tight or holds on, so I have to struggle to get away. So I stopped doing it. I’ll hug other people and then just refuse to touch Ben.
I’ll also have harmless flirty banter with a few people in the group. It means nothing, and everyone knows that. Ben, however, gets upset that I won’t do that with him. The thing is, he always makes inappropriate comments and thinks it’s “flirty” when it’s really much closer to being creepy and harassing.
I won’t engage with those sorts of comments from him, but he gets upset about that since he can’t seem to tell the difference between his inappropriate comments and someone else’s more appropriate comments.
Since he told us he was autistic, I was doing some reading online and a lot of the advice was just to be super straightforward and blunt.
So I’ve done that, but nothing has changed on his side.
He gets upset every time I hug someone else and not him or if I’ll be flirty with someone else, and not him, or we do an activity and don’t include him.
Now he’s going around claiming that I’m discriminating against him for being autistic and that I’m bullying him and excluding him from activities, and that I’m being unfair for treating him so differently than other “normal” people.
I can see why he thinks that – I avoid him. He’s the only person who wants a hug that I don’t hug. He’s the only person I avoid conversation and activities with. If he does try to make conversation with me, I’m not rude, but I do end it as soon as I can and leave.
It’s been suggested that I stop hugging people in front of him or I stop being flirty with other people, because it’s really bothering him and messing with his mental health, but I don’t see why I need to stop doing that when he can just learn to deal with it?
So even though I know it really bothers him and even though it wouldn’t be hard for me to stop, I keep on doing all that because I like doing it. He also wants me to give him more slack and explain more about how his behavior and comments are inappropriate, but I’m tired of explaining since he doesn’t “get” my explanations.
AITJ for continuing to exclude a guy in a group activity and continue to do any behavior that I know upsets him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Having disabilities/illnesses can be an explanation, but it isn’t ever an excuse for it.
ADHD, autism, and OCD are comorbid conditions, though. So if you have one of them, you have a higher chance of having another.
A feature of autism is having different senses hyper or hypo sensitive.
So some people do squeeze hugs because light hugs are uncomfortable. I know people who like no contact, light contact, or deep-pressure contact. It just depends on how they are wired. He might not get that squeeze hugs aren’t enjoyed by everyone.
You don’t owe him an explanation, but it would be really kind of you to explain (a little like you have here) rather than just pulling away as he likely won’t know what’s happening and why and so might just try harder to have a connection with you.
‘I don’t like your hugs, they are too tight and you hold on too long’ ‘That comes off as a bit creepy’ or ‘please don’t do that’ when he is trying to do flirty banter but makes you uncomfortable.” ChocolateChipFred
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but whatever his condition may be, but especially if he’s autistic, you need to just explain to him what makes you uncomfortable and whether things can be improved. The most frustrating thing for autistic people is isolation from their lack of social understanding, so they need people to help them understand to they can still feel like they belong.
Because even with their restrictions, they still need to feel like they belong just like everyone else does. But I understand if you have already been explaining it and he isn’t getting it, there isn’t much else you can do.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have been in this situation before. Twice. The first time I had no idea what to do and I let it escalate way too far. I didn’t talk to anyone about anything that was going on so it just kept happening.
The guy got more and more agitated and eventually started (TW) stalking me and ultimately tried to hurt people. The second time I talked about the issues with my friends and a therapist. Ultimately someone anonymously reported the guy before things got out of hand again.
Please be proactive and communicative with everyone in this situation. You might be able to establish some boundaries with this guy. At the very least, it is good to have your friends in the loop so they can support you.” Formal_Ad_1761
8. AITJ For Calling An Ambulance For My Brother When My Parents Didn't Want Me To?
It’s better to be safe than sorry.
“Before I start, I would like to clarify that I did not call an official emergency service ambulance (which would anyways be free as I live in the UK), but I called a local medical service (also free) that sends people over to the house of the injury to help out They deal in lower stakes injuries and are well trusted in the community.
I (15F) was babysitting for my brother (10M) while my parents were at a work dinner. I told him the movie was ready and he was very excited so he came running and hit his head on the corner of the sofa.
He fell over and was crying a lot, I checked his head to see that he had a huge gash where he hit his head. He was screaming and was in a lot of pain and there was b***d all over the floor, his head was bleeding for quite some time, and he said the pain was not going down but increasing.
I was the only one at home and called my parents who were not answering the phone. I asked on my group chat what to do and they told me to check him for the symptoms of concussion and if so to call 999.
I had a concussion about two years back and knew about it, so I asked him some questions. My brother told me, he had an increasingly painful headache, dizziness, and loss of balance. He could answer some of my questions but had trouble spelling his name backward and so I was pretty worried.
My parents after me calling a few times picked up the phone and were sort of sympathetic, they told me that he might just be in shock and told me to clean the wound but if they needed to go home they would.
My brother reassured them he was fine and that they didn’t have to leave the event. My parents told me to give him a paracetamol and if in twenty minutes his head was in pain, they would leave the event and come home.
He was in a lot of pain and I was worried so I called the service even though my parents said not to.
They arrived pretty quickly and got to work, they cleaned up the cut, calmed my brother, and checked him for a concussion or saw if he needed glue or stitches.
As it turns out, he was fine and did not have a concussion. When my parents got home, they were embarrassed to see the service there. Later they confronted me and told me that they were upset I disobeyed them and went ahead and called the service.
As it was unnecessary and they knew my brother would be fine. I got angry and accused them of choosing work over us again and that they weren’t there to help me out so I did what I needed to.
I have been feeling bad about how the night ended and am worried they might have a point given I am known to excessively worry about injuries. I also know that they work heavily to support us and feel guilty about the amount of time they work for, so I felt bad about guilt-tripping them with it.
What do you guys think, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
When I saw the headline I was thinking this would be in the United States where calling an ambulance can incur a medical debt that can put some families under serious financial strain.
You, on the other hand, are in the UK, and the service you called costs exactly nothing. Your parents were socially embarrassed, which is silly.
A child had an injury that you didn’t have the medical training to diagnose as a concussion or not.
You chose the smartest path and asked actual medical professionals to come and help, and happily, there wasn’t a larger issue that required more advanced medical treatment.
There is absolutely no way that your parents could know that from a remote diagnosis.
How horrible would it have been if the injury was just a tiny bit deeper/worse and you had not called the medical service?! It is always better to be safe than to be a pallbearer.” dublos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your parents most certainly did not “know” that he was fine, because they both refused to come and check on him. And head injuries can be subtle and deceptive. Given that these services are free where you live, I can’t fathom that your parents wouldn’t call them out in a situation like this.
At least acetaminophen/paracetamol is not a b***d thinner.
You did do what you needed to. You shouldn’t have been put into the situation you were in, having to make this decision, but you did the right thing.
You’re a good older brother. You called out your parents for dropping the ball because they dropped the ball. Heck, they can barely be bothered to pick it up in the first place.”PinkNGreenFluoride
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you acted perfectly in calling the right service to help you. You had no way to ascertain if he needed stitches or had a concussion. My son when he was little had two very similar accidents and we sought help both times.
The first time he did have a concussion, and the second he needed glue stitches, so always better to be safe than sorry. What if had needed more help and you didn’t get it? Your parents would come home and say you didn’t tell them it was that bad, you should of got them to come home etc., etc. You are in a no-win situation with your parents.
You did what was best for your brother. Your parents should be paying for proper child care by the way, not leaving you to raise your brother.” Which_Pudding_4332
7. AITJ For Getting My Co-Workers Out Of A Teambuilding Exercise?
Does anyone even like teambuilding exercises?
“I work in an IT team (40-ish people) of an engineering firm, and last Thursday we had what our manager called a ‘team meeting day’, essentially a full day where we’d have some larger meetings with other teams within the company to get on the same page; everybody was expected to be present in-person for the meetings.
The event gets off to a start, and it becomes apparent pretty much immediately that it was more ‘mandatory fun’ than actual productive meetings; after teambuilding exercises and a scavenger hunt were announced, there was audible groaning, even from my manager who’d been led to believe there’d be actual productivity occurring.
Attempts to sneak off were unsuccessful since a few of the organizers were patrolling the edges of the crowd and would even snap at people just going to the toilet.
So we were expected to start the day by rehearsing a ‘team haka’ we could then perform together.
For those of you who don’t know, a haka is a Maori war dance, which is pretty much sacred to them; I have a few Kiwi rugby mates who’d be deeply offended were I to partake in such a disrespectful display as a gimmick for teambuilding, and also, I really didn’t want to be a dancing monkey for the management, so I opted to sit it out.
This was of course, not an option; I was quickly set upon by the organizers loudly asking why I wasn’t joining. At this point, I decided, “Well, if it has to go this way, so be it,” and loudly (and somewhat extravagantly) explained my position on the mockery they were making out of Maori culture, massively exaggerating how deeply offended I was and insisted that I would not be made to join.
As they were looking to come up with a response more convincing than “But, but… it’s fun!”, a few of my teammates had a ‘lightbulb’ moment about this being their chance to get out and spoke out in support of my position.
The team manager stepped up, plainly said, “Well, since you’re going to be practicing for the next 75 min and we’re not, we might as well get at least a meeting in. Enjoy!” and led the team to a conference room closer to our usual workstations.
30 minutes, the meeting is done, and we’re pretty much advised to scatter throughout the building, get some face-to-face time with colleagues not involved in the teambuilding day, and essentially just make ourselves scarcely available for the remainder of the day if we so desired (which we did); some people decided to go home to work from there.
My manager has now been asked to speak to me about my ‘divisive rhetoric’ that apparently led to most of the teambuilding day being less about teambuilding and more about two teams forming on opposite sides of finding the haka acceptable.
While he’s assured me I’m fine, and teammates are actively grateful that I got them out, I’m still being shot angry looks from time to time, and I’m wondering if I went too far by immediately taking the situation nuclear.
So, was I the jerk here, and if so, was I justified in being so?”
Another User Comments:
“I find team building exercises fun or excruciating depending on the events and the attitude of the facilitators.
Treating a bunch of professionals like children who need their play date carefully orchestrated is guaranteed to be a bad experience for most of the attendees whether they plaster a Good Employee smile on or not.
Ill-conceived culturally illiterate activities like the one described can easily get a company bad press or even sued. As adults, employees should be allowed to opt out of “fun and games” events where the corporate culture does not already include a healthy dose of community building and DEI education.
NTJ.” Dance_Sneaker
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I’d dial it up a little and go on the attack. Them calling it “fun” is about the dumbest thing I’ve seen in a long time. When you speak to your manager, maybe something like this should lead the way.
“Hello, I too would like to speak about the divisive and offensive methods used in this team-building activity. ‘Fun’, as they called it, is never an excuse to treat the ceremonies and religion of another culture with such utter disrespect.
I would like to know what steps the company is making to communicate with the organizers of the event that this was absolutely not ok, to ensure that such activities are not permitted again, and to ensure a more inclusive and safe environment for all members of our team.
I’m certain that you, like me, are terribly embarrassed by the choices that were made for what was supposed to be an inclusive activity to build camaraderie between team members but were instead subjected to open and blatant racism.
I’m just thankful that no one took this to social media as this was a company-sponsored event.”
Remember, it’s still racism even if the aggrieved party isn’t present.” workape
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re completely correct, it’s deeply inappropriate to try and co-opt the Haka in this manner.
It’s not ‘fun’ it’s an important part of a culture that people often steal from and misuse. Then there’s this concept of ‘team building’. Some people might find some sort of dance fun (I’m thinking something vaguely inoffensive like a Zumba class) but others will HATE that, especially in a work setting.
To actively call out people that don’t want to participate is deeply toxic. To spring it on people expecting to do something productive is extremely dumb. I had a similar experience way back in school.
Instead of whatever normal PE class we randomly were told we’d have to do some weird coordinated dance thing. It was going south so hard, so fast that one of the teachers thankfully acted intelligently and quickly organized an alternative (I think just free time in the gym and a game of basketball, it was a long time ago) activity for anyone not interested…
about 75% of the group. I can’t imagine how badly this would go down if it was tried in an office.” Remarkable-Intern-41
6. AITJ For Getting Mad At A Co-Worker For Using A Stroke As An Excuse?
“I’m 19 and work a full-time job at one of those rest stops you see along the major interstates. I work third shift, which is 10 PM to 6 AM. And I recently told off a coworker who had a stroke 1-2 years ago.
The coworker in question, we’ll call him A, had a stroke a while ago and has been working the second shift ever since I started a year ago. Possibly even before that. And recently, I got mad at him for how he handles our shipments.
We get shipments of groceries and general store merchandise 2 times a week, and every time we get said shipment, A always brings groceries from the totes behind the sales counter and puts up what he can.
When he’s done, however, he leaves cardboard lying all over the place behind the sales counter, along with merchandise. It makes it look like a pigsty.
When I first approached him about the mess, he acted like I wasn’t the boss of him.
All I requested he did was bring some totes back behind the sales counter and put the backstock in those totes, so it isn’t such a mess, on top of putting the cardboard in a bag to be brought down to the cardboard compactor we have on site.
He refused to do that to help us third shifters out. He continued to do the same thing for months every time we got a shipment. And this went on for months after the first approach, and I approached him again about it and got the same response.
I then talked about it with some other fellow coworkers, and they all kept reminding me he had that stroke. And acted like that stroke is a valid reason to leave the sales counter an absolute mess.
I tell them that I didn’t ask him to do much. Just to keep it organized so it doesn’t give customers and the company a bad impression. And they continued blaming his stroke. The only coworkers who agreed with me were the two others who I worked with during the third shift.
About a week ago, my boss approached me and talked to me about how our performance was lacking during the night. And I told him it was because it felt like we were the only ones doing the labor of the store.
And I get it, the night shift are the ones to help the store out most. But it felt like we were the only ones doing any work.
That’s when I reported to my boss about Andy leaving messes everywhere.
I told him that it was ridiculous how every time we got a shipment, we were plagued with cleaning up someone else’s massive mess the moment we came in for our shift.
I get it, strokes are a horrible thing to happen to someone, but I feel like if he’s capable of throwing stuff all over, he’s capable of neatly putting them into totes, so it isn’t a mess.
So, AITJ for getting mad and reporting A to my boss for his performance at work?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it’s not your place to tell him what to do & it sounds like you figured it out in the end by telling your boss and he can tell him what to do.
FYI you will be dealing with issues like this at every job your whole life. “Crap rolls downhill.” That is what people will tell you. I used to process mortgages that we got from the loan officers, then they would go to the underwriter.
The loan officers trying to men messy, and we did what we could with them, but the underwriter would complain they were messy, but we had a compliance deadline so we had to do what we could do in the time we had, but the underwriter never called us directly to complain to us she would tell our boss who would tell us and then we would tell her about the loan officers, and I don’t know if they ever told the loan officers to try to be cleaner or not because they never were.
That job sucked, but it’s an example of what you are complaining about.
But as far as the stroke, yeah you’re just gonna have to deal with that. There are going to be people with disabilities in the workplace everywhere you go, and legally they get accommodations, and if you don’t like it too bad.
People complain that disabled people just sit home and don’t work, but if we go to work y’all complain that we aren’t 100%, if we were 100% we wouldn’t be disabled.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You asked him to clean up his mess, and he refused and kept leaving a mess. Then your boss got on to you about how your performance was lacking. You believe one of the reasons it was lacking was that you were having to take on the other guy’s task on top of your own.
You owed it to yourself and to your boss to explain why. Should you take all the blame because the other worker can’t or won’t do the job he was hired to do?
If the person has a handicap that causes him to be unable to do the work assigned to him, the company has the responsibility to help him with accommodations and reassign tasks so the work gets done.
It is unfair to ask other workers to do their own and the handicapped person’s tasks also without extra compensation. I say this as a handicapped person myself. For the last 10 years of my working life, I had very limited mobility and applied for and got ADS (Americans with Disabilities) act accommodations from my employer.
The employer is required to make these accommodations, it would have been unconscionable for me to expect the other employees at my level or below me to do the task I could not do without compensation, and would have been doubly unconscionable if I let another employee take the blame for work I left undone.” jeangatech
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your co-worker A is either unable to do his job because of the stroke or is using it as an excuse. Either way, it’s not fair that you should take the blame and be responsible for the mess he makes when your shift starts.
Things have obviously come to a boil if your boss came to you with a complaint about your performance. I don’t think it’s fair for you and your co-workers to take the fall.
In an ideal world A would take a different job he could do with his level of disability and not place the burden on his co-workers.
All around, it’s a sad situation.” 666POD
5. AITJ For Sharing Private Company Information With An Employee?
“I am an HR Consultant and my current client is a med size tech co. When I was brought aboard they informed me that the company had 6 months to turn itself around, or they would need to do layoffs.
My client group was Product and they are amazing one employee in particular, let’s call her Tanya, is a director of the group, and she and I hit if off really well. Like an amazing sense of humor and chemistry and we just “get each other” – we’ve worked for some of the same companies in our past. I am a good enough HR person and I can draw a line between boundaries, but I’d almost be willing to call Tanya a friend.
We bonded especially because she learned that my Mom had just passed last year and shared with me her Dad had also passed.
I got to know Tanya pretty well, I know her husband is out of work on a painful complex disability claim and I know she has 3 children, two twin teenagers, and a young boy.
She’s never complained, but I can see that she is stressed and worried. She’s a really good director w strong leadership and her team adores her
On Friday, the head of HR and the head of Product had a meeting with me and announced they needed to cut 9 out of the 60-person staff.
I saw Tanya on the list. They informed me that while she was good, she was also expensive and there was a junior team member they wanted to promote. I presented a case against it and was overruled.
The layoffs are scheduled for the first week of September. After 4 days of sitting on it, I decided to tell Tanya. She broke down and thanked me effusively and promised she’d never tell anyone it was me.
The problem is on a conference call the VP made a remark about ‘Tanya leading something in October” and she wanted to call out the lie. So sent him a private message on why he was lying.
So now the news is out. The head of HR called me and the rest of her team and said she’d need to do an investigation I decided to just own up to it. Obviously, both she and the VP are extremely upset with me and have mentioned multiple times how surprised they are because thinking of integrity with private information is vital to my role, and I can see that – but …It just felt wrong to not give her as much notice as possible.
The head of HR and I spoke today and she basically said she’s lost all trust in me and that they will be ending my assignment at the end of the month. I understood, and then she again reiterated how disappointed she was and how much of a “screw up” this was.
I get both sides, but I’m feeling so conflicted and could use some third-party perspective.
Was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Holy crap, you’re an HR consultant and you have to ask?
This isn’t just about rules.
It is, as you asked, about morality. It’s good that you wanted to protect your friend, but you did it by disadvantaging eight other people.
Tanya knew in advance to polish her resume and start looking for jobs; who’s to say she hasn’t snagged a job that one of the others would have gotten I.
A head-to-head contest? But now she’s applied first.
And now she’s getting a bigger severance just because she was friends with you. That’s unfair to others and also unfair to whoever salary or project will be pinched because of it.
That finances has to come from some budget.
Could you look any of them in the eye and say what you did? No? That’s your morality judgment.” onmyknees4anyone
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for playing favorites and violating the trust of both companies.
You didn’t warn anyone else, did you? You have no moral high ground whatsoever as this had nothing to do with “layoffs are wrong, power to the workers” or anything, and more to do with “I’m going to violate privacy and integrity to give my friend a benefit because they are nice to me”.
What’s next revealing the medical information of someone you don’t like to the break room when they submit FMLA leave?
I wouldn’t be so cavalier and certain that this won’t harm your career.
If Product Team HR decides to tell your consulting firm that you are someone who gives confidential company information to your friends and risk lawsuits, that sorta thing can spread around. I have zero doubt that HR at this company is going to question using your firm again and they will remember your name if it ever comes up from someone asking about references.
Tanya is also the jerk for blabbing and selling you out after she told you she would keep it quiet.” TendoninBOB
Another User Comments:
“From a moral perspective, you’re NTJ. Tech companies are brutal. They don’t see their employees as people.
You did, and that’s why you’re being punished for it. Going forward, maybe see if you can turn down jobs with tech companies. Unfortunately, the majority of them operate like this.” littlemanakete
4. AITJ For Getting Upset At My Friend For Letting My Daughter Sit On A Horse?
“I (F29) have a ‘phobia’ of horses. I put phobia in quotation marks because phobias are irrational fears, and I don’t think my fear is irrational, but everyone else in my life keeps calling it a phobia.
I do like animals, but horses are just not it for me. I don’t like being around them, and I have no interest in petting them or riding them.
When I was around 8 years old, a horse attacked me unprovoked and nearly killed me, and I was hospitalized.
My best friend Eliza (F29) is the opposite of me. When we were in high school, she was your stereotypical ‘horse girl’. She owns some horses of her own now and is still obsessed with horses.
I don’t interact with Eliza’s horses and never have. I respect that we can have our own interests, and Eliza and I have different things to talk about.
I have a daughter Tanya (F4), and Eliza occasionally kindly volunteers to babysit for me.
Eliza has her own daughter of similar age, and they play together nicely.
Last week, I asked Eliza to babysit for me so me and my partner could go to my cousin’s child-free wedding, and she agreed. I paid Eliza to babysit and gave her some extra bucks to get herself and the girls takeout.
Well, when after I picked Tanya up and was driving home, Tanya was telling me about how she “sat on a horsey.” At first, I thought Tanya was talking about a toy rocking horse, but then she told me about how she “fed the horsey some apples.”
When I got home, I called Eliza and asked if she had my daughter interact with her horses.
At first, Eliza denied everything and said she didn’t know what I was talking about, but when I said Tanya told me about it, Eliza admitted she held Tanya whilst she was sat on one of her horses, and let Tanya help feed one of her horses.
Eliza went on and on about how safe it is and that she was in complete control of the situation. That the horse was standing completely still when she held Tanya on the horse’s back.
I told Eliza that what she did was irresponsible and that doing it behind my back was unacceptable. I was so angry and uncomfortable. She said that I’m overreacting because of my phobia and said that Tanya was completely safe, and went on about how well-trained her horses are and how she knows so much about horses.
I said I didn’t care and that she should think about what she did.
My family thinks I overreacted and that I should apologize to Eliza. That I’m projecting my phobia onto my daughter.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I really don’t want to give a judgment because what I actually see here is a missed opportunity. I absolutely understand why you are upset that she initially lied. She’s your best friend and not a random person, so I’m assuming she panicked because she thought she was doing a normal/helpful thing, and at some point realized she should have cleared it with you first.
On your end, though – this is your best friend. If you don’t want your daughter to go through life feeling the effects of your own trauma, isn’t she the perfect person to help?
If you trust your best friend, could you see where it would be beneficial to your daughter to have exposure to horses? If you’re open to this, talk to your friend and see if you can come to an agreement (set boundaries/limits on what you are ok/not ok with, safety rules, etc).
I think it would be much better if you weren’t there when it happened because your anxiety would worry your daughter.
Try to think about what’s best for your daughter. Not that she has to love horses and be around them all the time.
But that she’d be ok to be around a horse or take an occasional pony ride. I’m so sorry for what happened to you, but please don’t pass that fear on to your kiddo.” SingleAlfredoFemale
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Projecting your phobia onto your child is one of the worst things you can do for your child. Working on your mental health to get to that point needs to be a priority.
Banning your daughter from horses isn’t helping anyone. Her learning how to be around them safely is beneficial.
But lying to you was wrong. You need to be able to trust the person caring for your child, and she broke that trust.” lemon_starburst616
Another User Comments:
“100% NTJ.
Lifelong horsewoman here. People personify horses as these sweet, caring animals that would never hurt someone, but they are in fact prey animals who sometimes fart themselves into a spook. I’ve seen the sweetest, dullest lesson horse whirl and bolt because a bird flew out of some grass.
This is why every lesson barn and trainer has you sign a waiver before you get anywhere near a horse. Especially if you’re not wearing a helmet!
In the last five years, the horsewomen I know have suffered the following falls:
spook because a cat launched itself at the horse’s neck
spook that resulted in a TBI – no one knows why the horse spooked
spook because a delivery driver slammed his truck tailgate shut
spook because a bird flew out of the grass, or flew into a door
spook because a hand dumped a wheelbarrow full of muck into a bin
They are amazing, beautiful creatures, but do not ever think they are safe.
In my state barn owners, etc, are not liable for any accidents or injuries. This is written into state law. That’s how unpredictable horses are.
ETA: oh, and one of the women I rode with was injured on the ground – knocked on her butt and had a broken wrist – because her horse, who she was grooming, swung around to see something come up fast behind him, and knocked her over.
Another woman was pinned by a horse between the horse and a tie rail. Fractured her tailbone. Again, on the ground.
Horses are dangerous. Your friend lied to you about where she took your daughter and didn’t require basic safety gear.
You are NTJ.” MiddleAgedCool
3. WIBTJ For Asking My Heartbroken Mom For More Information About My Dad?
“I (F22) grew up without knowing my father. My mom told me about him, but very vaguely. I know that they were together when they had me, but he soon left when he found out my mom was pregnant.
My mom tried to find him, hiring private investigators, but they could never seem to get in contact with him. She tried confronting him via court orders, but he never pitched.
Fast forward to just before my 16th birthday, I decided to ask my mom his full name.
I then went to type his name on social media and found his profile. I showed my mom and she confirmed that it was him. I sent him a friend request, thinking that he’ll never accept me because I’m a minor sending a request to a grown man who I don’t know.
Red flag.
He accepted my friend request and I continued to send him a message. I explained that I’m his child and I want to get to know him and possibly meet him. We chatted for a while and arranged a weekend to meet.
This made my mom very uncomfortable and sad because she tried so hard to get hold of him, and here I am just searching his name on social media.
After our visit, my mom and my relationship changed dramatically.
She became angrier and verbally malicious. I think it’s because I reminded her so much of the person who broke her heart.
After that, I never saw my father again and now he just makes up excuses not to see me.
Today, exactly a week ago, I got a very strange LinkedIn message from a girl. She said that she tried to contact me via social media, but I haven’t read it yet. I went on social media to read the message and she basically explained that she is my older sister.
Yes, shocking.
Turns out, my dad did exactly to her as what he did to me and my mom. She never knew of him, growing up with a stepfather she thought was her biological father.
We made plans we meet each other for the first time and I was excited to tell my mom about her. I told my mom and the shocking thing was my mom knew about my sister because my dad told her that he has another child.
I was very sad when I heard this, one for knowing that she knew I had a sister and never told me, and two for knowing that my father did the exact same to my sister and her mom as he did to us.
My sister doesn’t want to get to know our dad, but I think she should. He was very open when I told him and I think he will be the same to her. But he doesn’t know that we know of each other or anything because we don’t talk as often.
We want to confront my mom for more information about our dad, but I’m afraid that she’ll get sad or angry again for us bringing up the past and heartbreak.
Will I be the jerk when we do so?”
Another User Comments:
“My sympathy is with your mom. She was responsible, loved you, cared for you, and saw her life change forever when you came along. Your father left her to deal with all that alone and now you know he did it to another daughter.
You want to know your father. From your mother’s perspective, you are chasing the man who abandon you and her; a man who never once cared to know you or how your life was going.
It likely seems to her that you took all she had to give and now want to pursue a relationship with the man who deserted both of you. Were you her, how would you feel?
So this decision is yours to make. Nobody can tell you not to do it. Your mother may re-evaluate her life going forward though. Perhaps the time has come for her to enjoy her freedom from responsibilities as your dad has been doing.” 2ndcupofcoffee
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – your hurting the woman who wanted you, loves you, and raised you; for a man who wanted/wants nothing to do with you. Not only did he abandon you and your mother he also did the same to your half-sister.
YTJ – for constantly going back to your mother for information when you know how much he hurt her and how much you being in contact is hurting her. You keep opening up wounds she’s spent years healing.
You’re mad at your mother for not telling you, you had a half-sister, but you’re happy to build a relationship with the man who wanted nothing to do with you, provided you with no emotional, physical, or financial support, and didn’t tell you he had another daughter.
You want to create a relationship with him and do what makes you happy your 22 not a child. But also be mature enough to respect the people around you, don’t drag them into the abyss that is your sperm donor because they all deserve better.
Also, you have no right to force your half-sister to get in contact with your sperm donor. That is her choice the same way it is your choice to contact him.
If he was even a little remorseful for his actions he would have got in contact with you.
He would have initiated a conversation. He would be actively trying to make amends.
Also, did he know your name, etc.? As you said a grown man accepting a friend request of a child is a major red flag!
Don’t meet with him unless someone you trust is with you.” a-_rose
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Stop stabbing your mom’s old wound over and over again. Your jerk sperm donor is totally a jerk, and your mom was one of his victims. She went through a lot trying to get your sperm donor to involve in your life, with all attempts met in failure while raising your alone.
Stop hurting your own mom over this issue.” ozanazmaraza
2. AITJ For Not Inviting My Half-Siblings To My Wedding?
Nobody is obligated to invite every family member to their wedding if they don’t want to, but I’m not sure if this is the right move.
“I 28 (f) will be getting married next fall (about a year from now).
It will be a small wedding then large reception at a later date with more friends. In my immediate family, I have my dad, myself, twin older sister & brother and mother (deceased). My dad has 3 other kids who I really don’t consider siblings due to the nature of how it all occurred. My dad had an affair on my mom after my twin siblings were born (potentially before even, but that’s beside the point).
He had 3 kids (with 2 different women) in between my twin siblings and myself (me being the youngest). It was world-shattering when I found out at about 13. My mom decided not to leave my dad because he fell ill at the time they had originally planned to get a divorce and because she’s just an overall good person.
His infidelity caused her a lot of pain and since i was the youngest, I was the one who was home when crap hit the fan, and I also became my mom’s therapist (it’s not her fault and I don’t blame her for that.
It’s a hard thing to go through).
I am in the process of finalizing who I would want to invite to the small wedding. The reception will be for more people including coworkers, extended family, etc. When I was visiting my dad, he brought up how I should be inviting my half-siblings.
I was stunned when he brought it up. I stayed quiet for a minute before saying absolutely not. He was confused why I wouldn’t want to invite them. I pretty much said something along the lines of, “While you might be fine with having your affair kids there, I am not.
I have two siblings and that’s it.” My dad essentially called me a jerk and said I should be inviting his other kids. Even one of the affair moms reached out to me to say how I should be considerate of my dad’s feelings.
UGH! Crap no. I don’t want people to meet them. I don’t want people to even know about them. We don’t speak ever so why would I invite them? While I don’t really care what other people think, I just don’t like having to explain myself or my mom.
I try to protect her because while I don’t fully understand why she stayed with him all these years, I wasn’t in her spot to judge her.
My dad knows he messed up when it comes to affairs and constantly says how much he loves my mom and misses my mom since she’s passed (they were still married when she died and living together), but I have a hard time processing and believing that.
I understand that it’s not the children’s fault that they were brought into this situation and I shouldn’t take it out on them, but I have no desire to be in their lives or have them in mine.
They are “innocents” but products of such a screwed-up thing. This is why I think I might be a jerk for not inviting them when they did nothing wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you’re on about the same level with them as distant cousins.
Sure, you share b***d and you know their names and probably follow them on social media or wherever, but it doesn’t really sound like you have any kind of relationship. My mom is super close to her cousin, but I’ve never met that cousin’s kids, so they won’t be invited if I get married. That’s not a slight on my mom or those relatives or anyone, it’s just a reflection of my relationships- you’re in a similar situation, there’s just infidelity muddying the waters.
Your dad needs to disengage from your guest list, understand that it’s in no way his choice, and accept that one of the consequences of his own actions is that you don’t want anything to do with your half-siblings.
It’s not about him or them, it’s about YOU getting married.” inkpaperdream
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You have no relationship with them also there is no need to invite them.
But you being your mother’s therapist messed with you (while she didn’t have bad intentions that still messed with you big time.
With much respect she should have sought out help from another adult or left your dad, not dumped her problems on you). This has a lasting effect on you and your development and most likely has a huge influence on your behavior and relationships with other people.
Also, it built up a crap ton of resentment towards your dad and the half-siblings. What your dad did was and is terrible no question but he could still be a good dad to you outside of the problems in the marriage of your parents.
And you resenting the half-siblings so much is on account of your mother (you can never accept them as it would feel like you would betray your mother the one you had to hold together during your whole childhood).
I hope the therapist you are seeing is great and get the help you need and deserve.” Mischungu
Another User Comments:
“ESH. If you are inviting your dad, you’re a stinking hypocrite. They didn’t ask to be fathered by a dishonest man any more than you did but only they have to face public consequences.
Never call people ‘affair kids.’ It’s despicable that they get socially ostracised while you get to have the perfect-looking wedding with your dad walking you down the aisle. Because that’s what it’s really about.
You don’t want people to judge you when they have been judged all their lives. Your mother stayed because she was meek and spineless and needed his finances and the appearances. Get her off that pedestal. She made you into a therapist and you’re blaming those kids?
I would bond with them over having crappy parents.” HiddenDestiny251
Another User Comments
“Hot take: YTJ.
Those kids did nothing to you. Your father and those women did. Treating those kids (adults now) is just horrifying.
You can invite who you want to the wedding, but your treatment of them and blaming them for whatever reason isn’t great. If anyone should be the person of your anger, it’s your dad.” iamglory
1. WIBTJ For Being The Reason A Student Had To Go To University For An Extra Semester?
“I’m 29F and a grad student. I teach a gen ed class as part of my assistantship at my university.
I’m the instructor of record for the class; the syllabus, assignments, grading, etc. are all fully under my control.
At this point in the summer, most classes in my department are completely filled. I have two classes, one is at capacity, and one has exactly one spot left. Today I received an email from a student I’ve had twice before in this class.
He failed both times due to attendance issues and failing to turn in major projects. He is one of the only students I’ve ever failed because I intentionally set up my classes for it to be incredibly difficult to fail as long as you are putting forth a reasonable amount of effort.
Basically, as long as you attend class most of the time, do your small assignments (which are all a completion grade), and pay attention to what you’re doing on the major assignments (the ones that are actually graded), you will not fail.
When I failed this student the first time, he was definitely upset, which I can understand. He begged for a D, for extra credit, tried to appeal the grade, etc. None of that worked and he had to take the class a second time, and he ended up in my class again.
He clearly didn’t learn anything from the previous year and continued to miss major assignments and miss way too many classes to the point where my hands were tied. He failed again, and this time he went ballistic.
I got a bunch of angry emails and he showed up at my office (I wasn’t around thankfully) and tried to camp out in front of the door to wait for me to show up and beg for a D.
I told my supervisor about this and she assured me that I would never have to engage with him again. We talked to the registrar and had him pre-emptively blocked by the system for signing up for any class of mine.
His email was super long and started by telling me that he’s sorry for his behavior and that he went to anger management and knows what he did was wrong. He also mentioned that all of the other sections of this class are filled up and he wants me to allow him into my class.
It’s his last chance to take this class without extending his degree timeline (he’d have to take at minimum an extra semester if he doesn’t take and pass the class this semester). I checked and it’s true, the other classes are filled up.
I definitely don’t want to deal with this student again, but I do feel bad that he’ll have to take an extra semester. I know it’s fully within my rights to deny him the spot, but it’s also fully within my rights to allow him in if I feel like he truly has turned over a new leaf.
I know an additional semester could get expensive too. I am leaning towards not letting him in but wanted third-party input to see if people had opinions on whether or not it’s a jerk move to deny him based on my past experience.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Having been a graduate assistant myself, I understand that it would be a financial burden for him to take an extra semester but you’re NTJ if you decide against adding him to the class.
First, you’ve already had to engage with his anger issues, and even as he’s been dealing with them, it’s reasonable that you’d not want to potentially deal with it again. Second, he’s already failed the class twice, so it’s not your fault that he’d have to take an extra semester (it’s his fault for failing the class twice).
Though I understand things happen, making it difficult to complete coursework, two fails for a class with pretty relaxed standards (I’m the same way) would make me less sympathetic. Third, why is he, as a senior, registering for a full class?
It may be different at your university but typically seniors are allowed to register first. So it sounds like he’s dropping the ball somewhere.” mcmah088
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a professor, I see this behavior all the time and it’s not fair that you are the person that someone with anger issues/entitlement/terrible work ethics has chosen to s****e his blame onto.
Keep in mind that you’ve already been MORE than understanding, and it’s reasonable to not expect he would succeed in your class again. Why would you assume he’d succeed in your class for the 3rd time?
Clearly, your teaching style and his ‘learning’ style are not a very good match.
It might make you feel guilty to have data on your side. Sometimes I will run statistics on my class records to see the proportion of people who fail, and that always makes me feel better (because is it likely that when 99 percent of people pass the class, that 1 person will fail twice and should be my fault?).
But it’s worth looping your advisor/chair in again. As a TA, you are vulnerable and should be protected by the department that is (frankly, in most cases in academia) seriously under-compensating you for your labor.
If you are young and female, I worry that this student is toxic and frankly, might create an unsafe environment for you to teach in (who wants to go every day into a classroom to teach someone who yelled at them and is basically blaming them for things that aren’t their fault?).
Protect yourself.” C******r
Another User Comments:
“Step away from your feelings. You have a slot open. He applied for it. You will be paid regardless if he passes or fails. Your job is to provide an opportunity.
If he fails, that is on him.” Reddit user
