People Doubt If They Deserve To Be Called Jerks In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
17. AITJ For Suggesting That My Parents Move Out Of The House?
“I am the oldest of my parents’ 8 children (all 3-16 years old – I am 23).
My biological father passed away 2 months after I was born and my father (stepfather) has been present in my life since I was 3 years old.
The house I currently live in belonged to my paternal grandfather who, when he passed away, as he had no wife and children (my biological father was an only child), made me the only heir of his things. He passed away when I was 15.
As the house was quite big (7be/4ba), my parents talked to me about our family moving there, as it would be cheaper and accommodate everyone. The only thing I wanted was the master suite for myself and it actually became my bedroom.
Currently, my mother is 6 months pregnant again.
I work and earn a good salary. I don’t pay the house bills, but I help with the groceries.
This month I started having complaints from my parents saying that I should help more with my younger brothers (I always argue that I’m not their father and that it’s their responsibility).
As they are so financially tight and started to charge me to pay some bills because they were not able to and I started to pay some, but not as they wanted.
I had my limit when they suggested I move into their room as they would need space for the new baby and they pay most of the bills so they should have the biggest room.
I told them they can pay most bills, but they don’t pay a dime on a huge house and it’s only in my name. And if they want more space for their ninth child, I suggest they move to another house, because I am the owner of the house and I won’t give up my comfort because they don’t stop having children.
They started calling me an ungrateful son and that they raised me to be empathetic and kind, but I am showing myself to be a cold and extremely selfish person who threatens their own parents to take them out of the house for not agreeing with a suggestion.
I talked to my maternal grandmother, she said that she understands my side, but that I may have been very hard on them, especially since they were my parents. They’re not talking to me properly, by the way.
AITJ?
Obviously, I’m not able to support the house on my own, but it’s a great house for rent and only with it I could rent a smaller house and live on that money alone.
The fees that are yearly here, my grandfather left a responsible accountant to pay that for me with some money left for this, so no, they don’t put money in the house besides bills and anything that break. It’s not forever, but my grandfather protected me financially until I at least had the capacity and maturity to do so.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if your parents can’t afford to house and feed their 9 children on their own, then they should stop having kids. Their demands are also presumptuous – they will soon take over the house and what about if you want to get married and have kids of your own?
I would sit down with them and establish a timeline of how they intend to manage their lives independent of you and make it clear that you will not be financially responsible for them, nor will you parent your siblings or give up your bedroom.” uwe0x123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First of all, they are THEIR children, not yours so you have NO obligation to parent them. (when I was growing up I had a friend who was 14, like me, and was ‘in charge’ of the 4 kids under her ages 3-11 – I thought that was crazy!)
Secondly, it’s YOUR house. They should appreciate your kindness in allowing them ALL to live there RENT FREE.
Thirdly, if they want the Master bedroom, then they can rent a house and have the master bedroom. The stipulation for them moving in was that you get the master bedroom.
And they agreed to that.
Lastly, the only bills you should be paying are those pertaining only to you. You should not have to pay for any shared bills, since what you use in utilities is a minuscule amount in comparison to what the rest of the family uses, for which your parents are responsible.
Whether they are/were your parents or not, it is still your house and they agreed to the stipulations when they moved in. If they no longer agree to them, they are welcome to move elsewhere. That’s not you being hard on them, that’s you setting boundaries so as to not be trampled.” MissSuzieSunshine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they have had 8 years of no rent to house their 8 children. Have the house be assessed for rent and sale (for your information). Then you can tell your parents that they are in fact the ones who should be grateful to the tune of $$$$pm.
require a sit-down conversation where you lay out all responsibilities. Tell them they need to sign a tenancy agreement if one isn’t in place. You are the landlord they are tenants. If they are receptive and get back with the program figuring out a timeline for them to move out for 2 years would be very generous (giving them time to get past the newborn stage and save up for a deposit and search for a place large enough).
If they continue being ungrateful jerks then talk to a lawyer and figure out how much notice you need to give them then legally serve them notice to vacate. You can rent the house out at market value and cover all your own expenses.
If you don’t initiate a plan for them to move out they never will. They have kids that need housing for at least the next 18 years (you’ll be 41) and then it will be ‘they lived there for 30 +years’ and ‘they are retired are you going to put them out on the street’.
The property is yours. You have the right to live in it, rent it out, or sell it as you see fit.” AdGroundbreaking4397
16. AITJ For Not Agreeing For My Partner To Co-Parent Her Nephew?
“My partner’s sister is suffering from cancer young (28) and is leaving behind her partner (31) and son (2).
Last night my partner told me when her sister dies she will co-parent the nephew with his dad.
They’ll move in with us, and she’ll fulfill the role of mum by taking him to and from school, cooking for him, etc while his dad goes to work. This kind of sprung on me. Currently, they live in a different country, I’ve never met them but they’d apparently move over here.
We just moved into our own place together. She offered this already, that they could stay indefinitely, and only pay what they can afford while we cover the rest. I don’t earn much, and my partner doesn’t either. She’s giving up her second job for it.
We live in an apartment unit with 3 bedrooms, which means we can’t start our own family (which is why I bought a 3-bedroom unit).
The main problem is that my partner’s parents, and the parents of her brother-in-law, aren’t good parents.
They’re not an option, unfortunately. The only option is us or single parenting for him.
Am I the jerk for not wanting to do it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I understand that she is already in the process of grieving for her sister and trying to help her sister pass peacefully knowing her partner and child will have a home and support, but she is making decisions that have a serious impact on both of you without giving you any say in the matter – and that is not ok.
Your partner can decide for herself if she is willing to give up some financial security and delay having children of her own, but she cannot make those choices for you. You need to sit her down and talk about this.
Hopefully, there is some middle ground, but if she is not willing to budge from her current plan, you may need to decide whether you want to stay with her.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is not a decision your partner can make unilaterally.
And while having a mother figure in his life would certainly be beneficial for the little boy, there is absolutely nothing wrong with single parenting and there is no reason her BIL can’t live on his own and raise his son on his own, like millions of single parents around the world, do.
You need to be very firm here. This isn’t something anyone can or should even try to guilt you into accepting. Especially if the house she wants to move them in is yours… she is delusional for thinking she could decide without you.
Don’t let this happen. It’ll be a disaster and that’s the last thing that little boy needs right now.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
15. AITJ For Only Taking My Oldest Daughter To My Business Trips?
“My wife and I have 5 kids. Elise (17), Michael (14), Andrew (10), Rachel (7), and Lily (5).
I have to go on at least 2-3 business trips a month.
If I’m going somewhere for one day or a weekend, I invite Elise. I do this because Elise only has 3 classes and her school allows you to do everything online, plus she’s the only kid that I trust to be alone in a hotel/wander around the city (depending on the area).
I’ve been doing this since she was 15 (although back then the rule was that she couldn’t leave the hotel unsupervised) and she’s gone to New York, Miami, Orlando, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Houston, New Orleans, Seattle, Boston, and she’s even gone to Hawaii and Mexico for a week during the summer.
I took Michael to Vegas with us in June to see how he did and Elise said it felt like she was babysitting the entire time yet he still managed to get in trouble. He tried to sneak into casinos, tried to buy booze/tried to get other people to buy it for him, and didn’t do any of his summer school work.
I told him we’ll try again when he’s older but as of now, he can’t travel with us.
Elise and I are going to Europe for 3 weeks. This is the first time I’ve let her miss this much school but I think the experience will be great for her, plus she knows she has to do all of her schoolwork before leaving the hotel so she won’t be behind when she goes back to school.
Michael asked to go with us but I refused. The last time I took him anywhere he refused to do his work and broke almost every rule that I gave him. I don’t trust him on another weekend trip close to our house, never mind halfway across the world for close to a month.
He accused me of playing favorites because Elise always gets to go on fun outings but it’s because she’s never broken my trust, she always does her homework before going out, and she doesn’t go crazy with my credit card.
I’m going away for a weekend again and my wife wants me to try again and see if he’s responsible enough to go but a weekend trip is nothing like 3 weeks in another country. He’s just not old enough for this kind of trip.
My son thinks I’m playing favorites and my wife thinks I need to give him another chance so I wanted to get an outside opinion. AITJ?
I will give him another chance when he was 15, the same age Elise was when she was allowed to travel with me.”
Another User Comments:
“I would say NTJ. You gave him a chance and he was not ready for it. Elise is being responsible and finishing her schoolwork and sounds like she is being safe and staying out of trouble. You gave your son a chance and he has proven to not be trustworthy on his own or with his sister and these are the consequences.
I would give him another chance but I do not think 3 weeks in Europe is the best choice. Something closer to home but still fun for him! But that is just my opinion! I think it is very nice to bring any of your kids on your work trips with you so they can see the world as well!” LylarLoves
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Three weeks in Europe is an entirely different thing than a weekend trip in the US and something even your oldest didn’t get to do at that age. She is older and has shown during multiple weekends and weeklong trips that she can be trusted to complete her school work and behave on the trips.
Tell your other kids that at 15 they can start going on trips with you, and if they demonstrate they are responsible (and if work provides the opportunity) they will be allowed to go on longer international trips when they are seniors in high school.
That way it is clear that it is not about favorites, it’s about age and demonstrated maturity. It has the added bonus of limiting the number of trips where you are taking more than one kid at a time. This means the older kid on the trip doesn’t get stuck feeling like they are responsible for their younger sibling.
You do have to be upfront with your kids though that your job may change in the next 8-10 years so these trips are not a guarantee (which sucks, but that’s just how life works sometimes).” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The fact that Michael keeps accusing you of playing favorites instead of owning his own behaviors and working to improve them proves that he hasn’t matured or learned anything. I would sit down with him, and reassure him that you’d love to be able to travel with him and that you’re looking forward to the time when he is consistently responsible so that he can join you again.
If he asks what he needs to do to show that he’s matured to the level of being a trustworthy travel companion, give him examples (owning responsibility for the previous bad behaviors, doing schoolwork consistently on time on his own, etc) but be careful not to use Elise as a comparative example in any way because that will increase the problem rather than help.” ProfPlumDidIt
14. AITJ For Telling My Ex's Kids That I'm Not Their Dad?
“I was with my ex for a while. But it ended and I learned that she had gotten pregnant with our daughter. She was not willing to co-parent and so to see my daughter we needed to have it out in court.
I won equal custody but within a year of that, she was hardly ever around. Then she became pregnant and her son was born with no father in the picture. She was not stable and did not give a crap about him at all.
It got to the point where she was willing to drop him off with someone else, anyone else, and just leave him. I told her I would raise him. But she decided I should pay to get him. This became another court battle and ultimately, she was too unstable with him to keep him so he became my son.
I adopted him very soon after.
I raised my kids together, alone, and I’ve done my best to give them a good life. They didn’t see or hear from their mom for years. Now both are in their teens and she’s back, with two more children.
She expected me to take in her other two kids but I said no. I told her I was not going to start raising and being responsible for all the children she had. She didn’t ask about my kids at all.
She was just focused on the younger two. She doesn’t even want the same arrangement with them. She wants to raise them but for me to act as a father and pay for them like they’re mine.
Now she has started to show up with her kids and push them on me.
They have called me dad every time they have seen me and have asked why I don’t want them. I’m not sure how old they are, both are definitely younger than 8.
I told my ex to stop using her kids that way and that I would not change my mind.
She didn’t listen.
The last time she showed up with them was at my son’s sports game. Her kids came to sit by me and started calling me dad and saying they loved me. I decided that it had gone on too long and took them aside and told them I was not their dad, that their mom was mistaken and that I was sorry they had been led to believe something that wasn’t true.
They got upset and my ex raged at me and told me it was not my place. She accused me of saying they weren’t good enough since I stepped up and raised my son when he wasn’t really mine and her younger kids should not be different.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And have you considered a restraining order? I assume you already have sole custody of your two kids, but even if she wanted shared custody, that can still be done with a restraining order in place.
I find this rather comical, in a sick sort of way, that it’s apparently ‘her place’ to tell two children that aren’t yours that you’re their father, but it’s not ‘your place’ to tell these misguided children that you’re not their father.
To say nothing of the fact that she wants to treat you like the divorced parent of her two kids, complete with child support. The presumption of this woman! I’m assuming she also wants alimony. Given her entitlement, I wouldn’t be surprised.
One minor quibble I have is that you told the kids that their mother was ‘mistaken.’ She’s not ‘mistaken.’ She’s lying. She might not be certain as to who the father(s) of her latest children are, but she does know it’s not you.
I’m very concerned about her two newest children, though. I realize it’s not your problem, and consequently, not for you to be the solution. I wouldn’t ask you to take these two kids in, but perhaps CPS? Those kids need the authorities to intervene.” RighteousVengeance
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you raised your daughter and her (step)sibling and I applaud you for that.
You’re not responsible for your ex’s inability to raise kids. She couldn’t raise the first two so why did she get pregnant again?
She didn’t learn. She does not want to learn. Those other two are not yours biologically you are not responsible for them and your relationship with her ended years ago.
It’s a jerk move from her to force responsibility on you but you stand by your boundaries and I hope you continue doing so.
I trust you are a good father to your two children. Raising one is hard enough, let alone two. You did your part.
If I’d be in your shoes I’d get the police involved so that she can’t come to your house anymore.
I mean she never showed up for years, she’s not a mom for your kids, just an egg donor, to be honest.” Pleasant-Zebra-3090
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Being honest with them was the right thing to do. If you are not in a position or in a place where you want to care for them or take custody then there is nothing wrong with that.
Now pick up the phone and call child protective services because your ex is still very unstable and you have an ethical obligation to ensure that someone is looking out for those kids. You need to meet with a case worker and explain the whole story.
The fact that she lost her previous two children alone should cause CPS to be watching and checking in on her. If she is stable then fine but if nothing has changed and she is still off her rocker then those kids need to have someone else advocating for them.
so call so someone else can do that.” Patient_Hurry4735
13. AITJ For Rejecting A Family Heirloom?
“In my husband’s family, there’s a necklace passed down to the wife of the eldest son after she has their first child. My husband is his father’s only biological son but he has an older stepbrother who his father adopted.
In the last few years, there’s been tension between my husband and his stepbrother, mostly because his grandfather has pulled rank to make sure my husband gets his ‘birthright’. It’s made things awkward for me as his stepbrother is married to my best friend.
My best friend gave birth to their first child 7 months ago and there’s been non-stop drama over the necklace as technically it should’ve gone to her and it was supposed to until everybody found out I was pregnant too. The drama has hurt my relationship with my best friend which is partly why I rejected the necklace when my father-in-law tried to give it to me.
I knew my husband wanted me to accept it and he’s upset I won’t. It’s causing even more drama with my in-laws because everybody is still fighting over the necklace. My husband told me if I had just accepted it, this would’ve been over but now I’d hurt him and his family by rejecting it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re trying to appease your friend’s feelings. This is an heirloom that has been passed down from generation to generation. While others might think it’s weird (it’s not), this is something that was in place even before OP was a part of the family.
I figured your in-laws have always passed it on to a b***d relative. It’s just their family tradition. Your sister-in-law is a grown woman and understands that this is a tradition and your grandfather has a right to continue it.
You could have kept it and passed it on to your future child. However, you basically said you don’t care for traditions. It is what it is. Stepbrother might have been adopted, but he’s not a b***d relative. That can’t be changed.” Tami-112
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Go to grandpa and tell him you will accept the necklace if they get your friend a different, equivalent one. Or accept it privately with the promise to give it to the next generation, and rarely wear it.
Or request grandpa will it to your child’s future bride, while grandpa retains ownership for now.
At this point, your friend and her husband are being major jerks for demanding this necklace when it is obvious why they have no right to it.
They should have accepted the answer and then decided to stay or go low contact in response, based on how it made them feel about their place in the family. They should NOT be whining like this, making you feel like garbage, targeting you, or demanding expensive jewelry.
At this point, you’re doing that annoying thing where you hurt yourself to show someone else you’re loyal and love them. Stop doing that. I promise you, your friend would have no similar reticence if she were offered this necklace.
She would not think of you at all before she grabbed it and had it around her neck.
I have the feeling grandpa is about to say screw all of you, chuck the necklace into the ocean or a safe deposit box for your kid’s future wife, and the stepbrother and your friend out of all major family events from here on out for being greedy.
Or your husband may decide ‘screw this’ and accept the necklace on your behalf, which would then limit your ability to control the narrative.
I think you should accept the necklace and tell your friend to shut up (in as polite and kindly a way as possible) because she knows why she isn’t eligible.
Offer to speak with FIL (not grandpa) about getting her a different necklace, but only if she stops harping on yours. Listen to her cry (for a bit) but point out how weird it would be if you said you should get some of her own grandmother’s jewelry because now you’re both related.” millac7
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You should have accepted it. the necklace was not to go to the stepson’s wife as she is not his bio grandchild’s mother. This is a tradition based on b***d relatives according to Gramps. In the end, it was your GFIL’s decision and you, along with other fam, decided it shouldn’t be his decision.
Was he mean to his stepson? Did he not treat him good? You didn’t mention any issues so I’m assuming the GFIL has a good relationship with his stepgrandson and has treated him well. But having a family tradition that doesn’t include a stepson is ok too.
It’s just a freaking necklace and in the end, it’s the FIL’s decision on who it should go to as that’s how he sees HIS family tradition. You have officially cut the tradition. If I was the GFIL, I would tell everyone that he is no longer giving the necklace to any of you and he is dis-inheriting all of you so he can pay a lawyer to wait until there is a wife of a direct b***d male descendant, and can give it to her.
You out there gramps? Do THIS!’ gloryhokinetic
Another User Comments:
“This is tricky because I understand where everyone is coming from. I agree most with the grandfather because the heirloom is passed down through b***d and I’m sorry but the stepbrother is not b***d.
It’s mean but it’s true. If the grandfather made the rules clear then everyone should respect them. Why would your SIL want something that the family doesn’t feel like is her right to have and why would the stepson force something that was made clear isn’t for him?
Life isn’t always kind. This situation isn’t kind but it’ll one day go to your daughter-in-law and then the tradition will continue. I would accept the necklace and put it in a safe. you don’t need to parade it around your SIL/Best friend but it’s your husband’s birthright.
Literally.
Everyone sucks here.” Southern_Resort_8150
12. AITJ For Setting Up Security Cameras?
“I live in Orlando and therefore have a lot of friends and family that stay with us to save money when they vacation.
It was part of the reason that we retired here. We want everyone to come here instead of us having to travel to visit.
We have had some problems with people not respecting our property so we put security cameras in every room including our bedroom and bathroom.
The only rooms we didn’t put any cameras in were the two guest bedrooms and the one-and-a-half bathrooms that we have for guests.
We didn’t hide them or anything. We made them obvious and we tell all our guests about them.
We have a friend of the family that lost their home in Fort Myers and needed a place to stay.
We offered them a room.
They decided to go snooping while we were out. They went into our bedroom and bathroom.
They used my bathroom.
When we got back I noticed that some stuff in my bathroom had been moved. I asked them if they had gone into my room for any reason. They said no.
I grabbed my laptop and pulled up the security camera to my room and bathroom.
As soon as I did that they started screeching that I had invaded their privacy and that they were going to get me charged as a voyeur.
I asked them to pack their stuff and leave. They started backpedaling. Nope too late.
Get out.
Now they are staying with other friends and they are calling us names for filming them in the bathroom.
This has caused a crap storm on social media. People taking her side as a poor old lady who jerks filmed. And then everyone who has stayed with us calling her names and asking what she was planning on stealing from the private areas of our home.
And so now she is calling my parents about being accused of being a thief. Which I never said. I just said that the only bedroom and bathroom with a camera in them belonged to my husband and me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have stated that you have installed cameras in your home.
Also, make a habit of making all people sign acknowledgment papers for the cameras where you clearly state what rooms and spaces have cameras recording. This way you can prove they knew if this kind of stuff happens and you can even show those documents publically if they publically start throwing that kind of crap towards you.
There always aren’t nice ways to prove yourself right.” UnfairDictionary
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the audacity of this hopeful ex-family friend. I would have kicked her out too if I was in your shoes. She knew exactly what she was doing.
Not sure if she was casing the place for valuables or just snooping but regardless it was disrespectful and a breach of your hospitality. To me, your bedroom is the safest, most personal, and most intimate room in your home.
You were nice enough to open your home to her in her time of need and that is how she chose to repay you. She made intentional decisions, with very real consequences. She could have apologized for snooping.
Unfortunately, she instead lied, doubled down when caught and confronted, and actually expected you to accept the offense without addressing anything.
On top of all that she escalated the situation even further by threatening to report you for voyeurism. The cameras were in your home, in areas guests are not allowed all while maintaining a high level of privacy. She is mad that she is getting called out, and people backing you.
Going to your parents to get them to intervene is pointless and interesting. Pointless in the sense she opened the door and kept it open for everything she has gotten and will continue to get. And interesting in the fact that she thought your parents could get adulting adults to stop calling her out for her poor behavior.
This is can happen when there is a lack of home training in those formative years. The side effects may vary but often include a lack of common sense, respect, and self-preservation and turn into entitled self-serving adults. These adults often jump at the chance to mind the business that pays others.
Then get butt hurt when lead back to their assigned lane with the business that pays them. For all the people taking her side, they might need reminders moving forward to not contact you for accommodations when in the area.” Infamous_Explorer294
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your house, your rules. You were honest about the cameras and you kept the guest rooms totally private. That’s more than above board.
The fact that you needed cameras because your friends have disrespected your property is the real issue here.
It sounds like you need to renovate your friend list. Those people – NOT your friends. Your real friends will know this is a bunch of BS, and everyone else is a dead weight you don’t need in your life.
If I was caught in that lie, I would be MORTIFIED. I’d be embarrassed for snooping and even more so for lying about it. I would probably be packing my own bags and apologizing for weeks.” RigsbyLovesFibsh
11. AITJ For Taking My Hospitalized Cousin's Phone Away?
“My cousin (36m) was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer two weeks ago. The med care in our area is terrible and we decided to go to Philly to one of the best pancreatic surgeons in the world. I’m currently in a hotel room with his mom (55) while he’s in recovery at the hospital.
For the last two weeks, he’s been told he was going to die. That pancreatic cancer is a death sentence. So the day of the surgery, this past Friday, after the surgery the surgeon tells his mom and me that it was a very rare non-cancerous tumor.
And he’s mad at the original doctor in our area who said it was because ‘any doctor who thought this was cancer is not a good doctor’.
My cousin is in absolute pain. The nurses won’t leave him alone. They’re there every five minutes.
They’re forcing him to walk. He’s sleep deprived and just downright mean. He’s in such pain he’s delusional. He kicked us out of the room which we are ok with but he thinks we got kicked out of the hospital because we were smoking in his room.
He’s been texting everyone and calling everyone up (including his 80yo grandmother) either telling them that his mom and I are liars and he has cancer, or calling people and screaming at them about random stuff.
So I went back to the hospital and took his phone.
He yelled at me and said he needed it. I told him it wasn’t helping his recovery and he’ll get it back Wednesday on discharge. He was yelling at me even as I walked out the door and calling me the jerk
Am I the jerk? I don’t think I am but I feel terrible nonetheless.
Edit: Nurses agree I take his phone. We are all very close. Things he’s done: Called his 80-year-old grandmother and said she’s a piece of trash human who didn’t care if he lived or not.
That she had never done anything for him. She helped raise him and even bought him a house.
Called his mom and screamed at her for not staying with the toxic ex that beat her so bad she was hospitalized for a week and broke my cousin’s leg.
Called his boss and quit work by calling his boss a jerk (not the best time to do that).
I just gifted them 20k for this surgery.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for a few reasons.
Your cousin may be in an altered mental state because of medication and pain.
You know him better than anyone here. If his behavior is atypical, it may be best for him not to have access to his personal phone at this time.
There is a phone in his hospital room. People can call him.
He can reach out to people with whom he has memorized their phone numbers.
Being hospitalized doesn’t give you the right to contact people at whatever time is convenient for you. Especially if you are upsetting them. Your cousin was told, by his surgeon, that his tumor was not cancerous.
He is recovering properly post-op care. I don’t know why your cousin doesn’t believe his surgeon or is behaving in this manner. Perhaps medication? Perhaps pain? Perhaps fear? Perhaps some kind of breakdown or mental illness?
Access to his phone doesn’t seem to be helping his progress.
It may be impeding it.
You and your aunt are nearby to support him. That is what he asked. Neither of you is going anywhere. You left his room when he asked. His behavior is unusual and unsettling to others who are not nearby.
You retrieved his phone to protect him and others. You are willing to return to his room at any time. You and your aunt will be there, to bring him home when he is discharged.
I’ve spent a lot of time in the hospital. Most of it is without a cell phone.
No matter what others may think. I assume you, a cell phone is not a necessity for a hospital stay, especially since he only has two days remaining.” mrslII
Another User Comments:
“As a nurse, 100% NTJ. I’ve seen this way too many times following major surgery with a life-altering diagnosis.
It’s a combination of things, and while most people understand there’s a very real chance of saying something to someone that could be unforgivable or detrimental to their life outside the illness and current crisis. Like your cousin with his boss.
He’s probably not coming back from that. You were absolutely right to take his phone as a way to protect him from himself in this scenario. Even more, you seem to firmly grasp that this is not him. He will more than likely appreciate that when he has recovered. So many family members take the things people say in crisis and confusion and take it to heart.
Which just gives everyone more involved and more trauma to heal from. Just stay supportive and understanding, you’re doing it right.” mamallama12116
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Taking his phone was a good idea. Leaving him wasn’t. He is in unfamiliar surroundings, getting medications he is not used to and his sleep cycle has been interrupted. Pay no attention to whatever he says in this state, he probably won’t remember it later.
Go back to the hospital and advocate for him. Talk with doctors and make sure that there is no undiagnosed reason for his behavior such as stroke or infection. Talk with his caregivers and see about reevaluating his medications that could be contributing to his confusion.
Then see about organizing his care so that he gets some sleep. He needs to have his assessments, vital signs, and activities clustered together so he can rest in between times. Even though it is painful he must walk. It will work his soreness out and prevent serious complications such as pneumonia and b***d clots.” oldlady2013
10. AITJ For Demanding My Mother-In-Law To Apologize Before I Let Her Meet My Daughter?
“I (27f) love my MIL (65f). After my mom passed away when I was 15, she basically took me in as her own daughter.
I later married her son Gerald (27m) and we just had our first child, May (4mo f).
MIL said many hurtful things about me and my daughter, including but not limited to: ‘I wanted my first grandchild to be a boy,’ ‘Isn’t she a bit chubby?’, and ‘I wish you had waited till you were older.’ Note: this was all from pictures.
She hasn’t met her in person.
Because of this, Gerald and I aren’t letting MIL meet May until she apologizes and May is a bit older (for health reasons.).
MIL has apologized, but her apology was a bit of a backhanded insult, so we aren’t planning to let MIL meet May until she writes us a real remorseful apology letter.
(This was Gerald’s idea, it was what she used to make him do when he needed to apologize.)
MIL says we are treating her like a child and I am a jerk. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I don’t think you are one for wanting a genuine apology.
I mean my husband’s grandma sent me an email saying that she wanted her great-grandchildren to have red hair like her grandson. As if there were any control in that. But my husband is the same grandson she emotionally and verbally attacked his whole childhood.
So I flat-out told her that my child’s hair color should not be a concern at all, she should be wishing for them to be happy and healthy, not caring about features. I didn’t get an apology or an amended statement.
She passed without having met either one too.
Making off-hand, hurtful statements is a good way to have regrets later in life. And while I don’t think ‘I wish you had waited till you were older’ is a hurtful statement per se, I guess it would depend on the emotional tone behind it.
But the other ones are. Wanting her first grandchild to be a boy, could show that she has a gender bias or sexist behavior that will impact how your child develops a relationship with her and what it will impact her emotionally, mentally, and socially.
‘Isn’t she a bit chubby’, is a very ignorant statement to make about a 4-month-old (really about any child, because of the emotional and mental health impacts that it could have). But children don’t shed their baby fat until elementary school.
A chubby baby isn’t necessarily an unhealthily fat baby unless the pediatrician says so. Chubby for a baby, is healthy.
So, maybe your MIL needs to be told very directly that her quick blurted thoughts hurt and to maybe think before she speaks.
That she needs to know words have consequences, and that while you love her, you won’t allow her to hurt your children with her thoughtless words. It’s not about you treating her like a child, although this kind of behavior is childish, as in children say things without thinking, and if you haven’t learned better or refuse to learn better then you’ll be treated like one.
This is about making sure you protect your child, and you are actually giving her preferred beneficial treatment because if this were a friend or acquaintance, you probably would have cut them out of your life without giving them the chance to redeem themselves.” elvaholt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
An apology isn’t ‘I’m sorry you were offended, but I really wanted a boy and I won’t apologize for that. Even though you’re almost 30, you’re still too young.’
The thing is that when an adult is behaving like a child, they need to be treated like one.
Consequences for actions.
Maybe she needs to hear that her behavior is that of a child, her apology is that of a child, and so she is on a time out, because you both know even the crappy apology she gave was only to get access to the baby, not because she realizes she was wrong and wanted to make it right.
Tell her you won’t reward your kid for bad behavior and you won’t reward her either.” McflyThrowaway01
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but all of this emphasis on fake apologies is just pointless. You can focus on appropriate boundaries and the actual quality of family relationships.
Or you can focus on the theatrics and implicit dishonesty of ‘apologies’ that mean next to nothing. They mostly allow the person apologizing to be dramatic, put you into emotional debt by asking for your ‘forgiveness’, use the apology as a reason to absolve themselves of responsibility for their behaviors, and act like you are the ones in the wrong if you ever question their behavior in future.
But if that’s all you want, then sure… ask for a ‘real remorseful’ apology letter that will be done resentfully and with lots of empty words. That’s not going to give you the relationship you want with this woman. She’ll find other ways to let this play out.” Saravat
9. AITJ For Putting My Sick Dad First?
“My dad had surgery yesterday, so today, he’s obviously not feeling the best. He’s basically been on the same spot on his couch since yesterday morning, and he can’t really do that much right now. So I figured I’d come over and make his life a bit easier.
During all this, this girl I’ve been seeing has had a rough couple of days. Long story short, she was having a really bad day and had been having panic attacks. I tried to be helpful, I asked if she wanted to talk about it over texts now or talk on the phone when I get back home from my dad’s, but she refused.
She told me she wasn’t gonna talk to me about it if I wasn’t ‘gonna prioritize her’. She was mad because I, in her words, ‘couldn’t even meet up tonight, or spare a couple of hours’. Mind you, she knew where I was, and she’s known about the situation for a long while.
I kind of feel like a jerk for not being able to be there and comfort her, but my dad needs help right now. So, am I the jerk?
UPDATE: She texted me yesterday, saying that my staying with my dad meant I ‘didn’t care about her’ and that I proved that I didn’t prioritize her.
I’m honestly not all that torn up over it, my dad’s doing better, we had a nice dinner and I’m gonna bring over some snacks for him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This is a ‘girl you are seeing’- not a partner, fiancé, or wife.
It’s a common unhealthy habit that people put their emotional needs 100% on their romantic partner. When we are single/just hanging out, we need to have friends and family provide the bulk of our emotional support. Some people also need the support of a qualified therapist. It’s an unfair expectation that someone you’re just seeing would be available to provide all the emotional support at this stage in your relationship.
If you see that she doesn’t have these support people in her life, I would have a conversation with her to set some boundaries and help her widen her list of people that she can go to when she needs support.
By the way – this totally could have been a ‘test’ to see if you’d choose her over your father. A normal person wouldn’t do this, but there are a lot of crazies out there that would use your situation to pick a fight or move the relationship to a more isolated place.
Be careful.” Rosie-Disposition
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s right. You COULDN’T even meet up tonight OR spare a couple of hours. You were busy with someone else. You wouldn’t be the jerk if you were helping out a good friend this happened to, but this is YOUR DAD.
She’s not your fiance, she’s not recovering from surgery, and even if it was minor surgery such as gall bladder, it is still SURGERY and your body takes a few days to get anywhere near normal again. She had panic attacks.
She’s had them before, and she’ll have them again, she should have a support network by now, and it’s not gonna kill her. Getting up and moving around a lot with internal sutures, well, that’s not a given that it won’t hurt him.
I’m assuming surgery was NOT to remove an ingrown toenail and actually involved going inside his body, in which case, absolutely NTJ and her demands aren’t rational.” maroongrad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your partner is responsible for herself, including managing her mental health.
You were as supportive to her as any person reasonably could have been.
Understand that this incident shows you some important things about your partner. She is dependent and expects you to be her therapist. And she’s manipulative when she doesn’t get her way.
These are bad signs for the health of a long-term relationship.
There are plenty of people who struggle with mental health issues but don’t use those problems to mistreat others.
Don’t apologize to her. Don’t do anything to ‘make this up to her’.
Don’t keep trying to contact her. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Enjoy your quiet. When you don’t contact her, she’ll probably start contacting you to try to guilt you and get you to grovel. Life is too short to deal with this.” teresajs
8. AITJ For Leaving The House And Not Helping My Pregnant Housemate?
“I’m 17f, I live with a 19-year-old woman, Cathy, and another 17-year-old, Paula. Our situations are all similar but also very different. I left home at 16 due to my mother’s and sister’s mental health issues making life unbearable and the house a borderline biohazard.
Paula left home due to neglect, and Cathy left Foster care due to it being too unstable for her.
Cathy is about 7 months pregnant with her first baby. She has something called hyperemesis gravidarum (HG, extreme, persistent nausea and vomiting during pregnancy) and sensory processing disorder (SPD, a condition that affects how your brain processes sensory information), and I don’t know too much about babies or pregnancy, but I know she’s really struggling, physically and mentally.
I know HG is pretty much just chronic constant morning sickness. She’s pretty sensitive to smells and the sight of certain foods.
I work in a small restaurant as a dishwasher, and I live in Europe so there’s no tipping culture here, so whenever a tip is sent into the kitchen it gets decided among all 5 of the kitchen staff.
It rarely happens but when it does it’s a good day. That happened this evening, we had a group of American tourists who sent in a €50 tip and it was split amongst us. I was really excited about this because all my money goes on bills and groceries, so I was finally able to treat myself.
I got a meal from the local Thai restaurant and I was very excited about it. I got home and left it in the kitchen when I went to lock my cat into my room (upstairs) (he’s a jerk and will try to steal my beef).
In the two minutes it took me to get back to the kitchen, Cathy threw it in the outside bin because she said she could smell it from her (downstairs) bedroom and it was making her want to throw up.
I got really mad, because its the first time I’d been able to get myself something like that in about 6 months, and even though I didn’t raise my voice, I did call her a witch, and told her I’d restricted what I eat for so long to avoid making her sick.
I told her this is the one thing I was looking forward to all day and now she’s gone and ruined it for me. She cried.
I left the house, but Cathy called and reminded me I had promised to help her build the baby’s crib this evening because it needs to get done before the baby comes.
I did promise, and I hate breaking promises but I don’t wanna go back home tonight. Paula texted and said Cathy has been crying and stressing all evening which might be bad for the baby, and she thinks that’s making me a jerk, for putting unnecessary stress on Cathy.
AITJ?
Edit: moving out/finding a different place to live isn’t an option. I’m paying ⅓ of the market rate in my area for one room, and I’m able to keep my cat. I also have a pretty great landlady, and she’s sent someone in to fix broken appliances within 24 hours of finding out something is broken.
The only other place I’ll find within the price I’m paying now would be comparable to a brothel or trap house.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Regardless of her issues, she had no business throwing it considering it would have taken her literal seconds to talk to you about it.
She did it to prove a point and that’s not ok. She is not your keeper. OP, I strongly suggest finding another living situation because you are too young to be sucked into a situation you’re about to find yourself in.
Once that baby comes she will expect you to take on a lot of responsibility that is not yours. Even empathy has its limits.” Minute_Box3852
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Cathy sounds very inconsiderate and I’m guessing she is going to expect you and Paula to raise her child with her.
That was very rude and if people are already going out of their way to be kind don’t be a brat and throw out their food.
Also, Cathy could bear to come upstairs, pick up your food and take it outside without being sick she would have been fine staying in her room.
Feels like a childish ‘I don’t like/can’t eat this so no one can’ move.” Amazing_Emu54
Another User Comments:
“OP, You are definitely NTJ. That means you did nothing wrong and Cathy was very wrong to throw away your food AND then be upset/trying to hold you to fixing the crib.
BUT I’m going way softer than most of the replies here. I agree that you do not owe Cathy anything, and she should replace your meal if it’s at all financially possible for her. Here’s where I soften up. All three of you are fending for yourselves at a very young age.
You have a good living arrangement, that has been put onto more stressful footing because of this pregnancy. The more you (with no underlying guilt) can still be kind and supportive to one another, the better for all three of you.
You had every right to be upset and need to get out that evening. You have nothing to apologize for. She does. However, it would be very helpful if you can go back to the apartment and talk calmly with both of your roommates.
You can note that you realize how hard this pregnancy is on Cathy and that you and Paula have been and are trying your best to support her. But that you are also a person with needs and who has your own struggles.
She took something away from you in just two minutes that was very hard for you to get and which you had no chance to enjoy. While you and Paula generally try to avoid things that upset her, she can’t just throw away your stuff.
The three of you need to agree on a plan if that happens again. (Maybe she simply lets you know and whoever can more easily leave the apartment does so.) She wanted your help with the crib. You want to help, but you are not an emotionless robot.
She really hurt you that night and can’t expect you to turn around and work for her. She has to recognize you have your own stresses and need space, and that you and Paula are not her spouse. You help because you three care for each other, but if you need to take care of yourself sometimes; she needs to respect that.
Let Paula know, you share her care for Cathy. But that evening, Paula could have chosen to help build the crib if she felt so concerned or she could have gently reminded Cathy that you both are helping her but have your own needs, too.
The three of you are also going to have to have a separate series of honest discussions of what will happen when the baby comes. You’ve had a good roommate relationship prior to the pregnancy, but it may or may not be something you can sustain with a baby.
What adjustments are you and Paula willing to make (they don’t have to be exactly the same)? What things are you willing to help Cathy out with? What are your limitations or boundaries you need Cathy to respect? What does Cathy need to do for herself and the baby?
Can she do those things? What other helping resources does Cathy have?
You may find that you cannot agree on how things can work and would have a hard time happily living together. If that’s the case, how do you three handle the decision of who leaves the lease?
How can you make it as kind of a transition as possible? This will not be an easy chain of conversations to have, but you need to face what’s ahead. Good wishes to all of you.” swillshop
7. AITJ For Saying My Mom Deserves To Be Excluded From Her Grandkids' Lives?
“My (26F) mom (56F) recently got into an argument with my brother (35M) and his husband (32M) which resulted in her being kicked out of her brother’s house.
The thing is that my brother and his husband recently welcomed their fraternal twin boys via surrogacy, they already have a child they adopted though, his name is Lucas (5m) and they adore him, they love him so much and as Lucas was adopted at 1 he doesn’t remember a life without my brother and his husband as his parents.
We all love Lucas he is a good, sweet, and smart boy, and the fact that he is adopted is completely irrelevant to all of us, as the rest of the cousins. Brother and husband asked us to help them to handle Lucas’s reaction to the newborn kids since he hasn’t had the best one, maybe he feels threatened, I mean he has been the king in that house over the last few years, and having kids over might be threatening to him so they asked us to make him feel special to assure him that he’ll never be replaced and we have, they have also put an extra effort in this by taking him out to special bonding activities.
My brother and his husband welcomed the twins last week and we visited them to welcome the new family members, my mom was also there and while she carried one of the boys she said ‘It actually feels good to carry a grandchild, I’m related to’ and the worst part is that Lucas was there and heard it, his eyes were sobbing after heard it and his fathers tried to comfort him, mom tried to apologize but they kicked her out.
It’s been a couple of days and my brother doesn’t allow her to see the boys, he doesn’t answer the phone when she calls, she even tried to take Lucas out on a bonding activity to apologize but my brother refused, my brother, says that if she said that it’s because she doesn’t consider Lucas an actual or a full grandchild so he isn’t willing to expose his son to that ‘toxic’ behavior.
My mom complains and says it’s just a single mistake they should forget and focus on the fact that she’s been a terrific grandma to Lucas, so I told her that she deserves to be excluded from her grandchildren’s life (at least for now, they might come to terms in the future) because of her comments and hurting Lucas feelings.
She cried and called me a jerk and is also making a big deal about it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom needs to do some self-reflection to see how damaging her statement was. It’s not that it was one mistake, it’s that it was a really really bad one.
She may be one of those types of people that invalidates other people’s feelings and thinks she can just brush it under the rug. Your brother ain’t having it. She better dig deep and has a really heartfelt apology as well as showing how she’s grown from this mistake.
Otherwise, you bet she earned that exclusion.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
She made a mistake, by being very insensitive to Lucas. She genuinely apologized and made the effort to correct it. It sounds like she has and is in a positive relationship with Lucas and as you said has been a terrific grandmother.
This is the makings of a positive person in Lucases life. It is both a jerk move for the grandmother AND to Lucas to choose to discontinue their positive relationship, by framing the grandmother’s mistake as toxic behavior and implying it is a toxic belief.
It is my personal experience and opinion, speaking as an adoptee with a very explored experience, and who immersed deeply in dialogues within the adult adoptee community, that on the contrary, it is actually VERY UNHEALTHY and TOXIC to NOT acknowledge the differences and natural tendencies between bio & not bio, in adoption.
People’s sentiments and physiological body responses to bio kin are normal, instinctual, and human, they are also not necessarily mutually exclusive to having an inclusive loving family that supports and loves someone of a different origin nor are they necessarily indicators of prejudice.
Lucas will not get that special bio-connection by being adopted. That is one of the losses that factor into the complex situation that is adoption. It is important to be educated on the immense amount of grief of losing that and it is important to acknowledge that is a very very real loss… it is important to be considerate when navigating when bios and adoptees are mixing: This means not saying things in front of him that rub it in his face aka that he lost/cannot have this basic thing most everyone else around him has… BUT IT ALSO MEANS not endorsing a narrative that pretends like the instinctual way people refer and interact to bio kin, is a toxic behavior, as opposed to a very normal occurrence you can see literally everywhere in subtle expressions throughout society and families everywhere you turn.
By framing the grandmother’s admission to feeling something different when holding a bio, as toxic, you are all bypassing the real issue, and creating the framework to disenfranchise the grief. If you frame grandmother as wrong for feeling the way she does about her bio kin, you are implying that the difference doesn’t or shouldn’t exist, you are setting the stage to have your adoptee grieving alone because they will be grieving something you are telling them doesn’t or shouldn’t exist.
I guarantee you that either consciously or unconsciously the adoptee is picking up on the micro-expressions and mirroring of bio connections families all around them have that are not present in his own family, beyond the grandmother. It does the adoptee a disservice to pretend it’s not there.” AdministrativeWish42
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your Mom needs to focus on thinking about why what she said hurt her family so she can make a sincere apology. And part of that is giving her son and grandson space to decide whether they are even ready to listen to her apologize.
Acting defensive and making it all about her and her feelings is the opposite of what she should be doing.” CivilAsAnOrang
6. WIBTJ If I Ask Someone To Exchange A Gift They Gave Me?
“I’m having my first child in a couple of weeks and my in-laws asked what I was missing to buy for the baby. I sent a link to a playpen that I wanted to get for the baby which is $125 on sale from $180.
it is the color I want, with music and vibration features. it has multiple pockets and a big space for pampers bottles etc. plus it has near-perfect reviews. yesterday my SIL showed me the one they got me which is $90 but in a color I don’t like, with a smaller area to put baby things and no outside pocket.
it was like they didn’t put in the effort to order the one I wanted and ordered the first one they saw at target. personally, I feel awkward with these things and just said thank you and it’s cute but I truly don’t want it.
WIBTJ to request they return it and get the one I asked for and sent the link to?
Edit: The playpen I actually wanted is only $35 more than the one they got which means less than $20 a person would be spending extra.
And why ask for what I want if you’re going to get whatever you want? I’m due in two weeks… they had months to get me the more affordable things on my registry. When they Face Timed me to show me the gift they said that they liked the one they chose better because it was cute… not because of monetary reasons.
Something cute over something I researched and picked out… and if I just return it without them knowing they will be hurt when they see I don’t have it in my house
Edit again: They offered me to buy a $200 present that I already had and I told them so.
So they asked what specifically was left that I needed. I send them a link to something that cost $70 below what they would have bought me had I not already had it. They just wanted to get me what THEY LIKED. Just because they liked the design more.
And I can’t return something to Target and pay the difference to get what I want from Amazon. That’s why I can’t return it myself.”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ by asking them to return it and buy the one you want.
You’re not the jerk for wanting particular things. There are so many versions of so many baby products, and it can take such a long time to research and select the one that fits your growing family the best. But if you want something specific, don’t ask someone else to get it for you.
Either keep it as an extra to keep at the grandparents’ house or return it yourself and purchase the one you want. Be appreciative of the fact that you have family that wants to help, as not everyone has that.” The_ShadyLady
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ
Is it annoying that they asked you specifically what they could contribute, you sent a link, and they purchased a different variation of the one you wanted? Kind of. You picked out one that you thought would be best, and that’s not what you wound up with.
But you’re trying to justify being unhappy with a gift by blaming it on a perceived lack of effort or laziness on their part instead of just acknowledging that you wanted a different color and an outside pocket on the playpen.
You can be disappointed without being dismissive of what sounds like an earnest desire to help you before the baby is born. There is any number of reasons that you would up with this playpen instead of the other that don’t include them not ‘putting in effort’, because the lowest effort option was to click the link, add it to the cart, and have it shipped to your door.
You said the item was marked down, quite significantly, so it’s very possible the one you wanted was out of stock/sold out, and they went out of their way to find the option closest to what you wanted. Or perhaps they couldn’t afford $125 on a playpen but didn’t want to disappoint you, so they searched for the closest possible alternative in their budget.
In either scenario, they put in more effort than you are giving them credit for.
Unless they already gave you a gift receipt in case it wasn’t the right one, leave it alone.” El_Ren
Another User Comments:
“You don’t seem to understand how gifts work.
You can ask for things all you like, but the person giving the gift is the one who decides what they give. That is part of the joy for the giver – putting their spin on something they think you will like, so they can be part of the experience with you.
They want to feel like a part of the family when they come over to your house and say ‘look, they’ve got Johnny in that playpen thing – I’m glad I got to be part of this family!’
If you want a particular kind of thing, and only that kind of thing, buy it for yourself. Never expect it as a gift. Because gifts are things others want for you. Registries aren’t shopping lists. They’re suggestions.
If you get a gift, and it’s not what you want, use your manners to say ‘thank you very much for thinking of the baby and me.’ You then either refuse the gift (and are seen to be churlish, petty, and ungrateful), or you accept it and make it work, reserving for it the respect the giver deserves for having put their time, thought, and money into trying to enrich your life.
YTJ.” gussmith12
5. AITJ Telling My Stepdaughter She's Lucky I Treat Her As My Own?
“I (44F) have two children with my husband (2) a boy and (3) a girl and a bonus daughter (18F) Emily.
My stepdaughter has been living with us for 6 months this past year. She moved in because she told us her mother kicked her out since they didn’t have a good relationship and her mother said she was too problematic.
Since her moving in, I’ve been very welcoming and I’ve spent more than enough money to help Emily get on her feet, this includes work shoes, comforter sets for her bed, hair products, clothing, and undergarments. We told her that she could live here as long as she needed, but since her moving here she’s become a burden to both my children and me.
My children and I are used to a regimen of waking up, spending time with my husband, him dropping them off at daycare and he goes off to work and when he gets home, I cook, clean and we spend the rest of our night with the kids.
My stepdaughter has become a burden, she has become entitled and whenever she needs anything financially she will ask either myself or my husband. When I bought her work uniform, she kept the job for 3 weeks and then quit because she ‘didn’t like her co-workers’.
She has taken most of my savings, taken the time from my children to my husband, and used that time for herself and had been extremely unappreciative of what I’ve done for her. I told her she needed to figure out a living plan because she is 18 and a legal adult and that she needs to start adulting.
She mentioned how she was in school (online) and I told her that wasn’t enough since there are more hours in the day and she can do more than just be lazy all day and use her computer as an excuse.
She told me that I am jealous of her relationship with my husband and I reminded her that she was living in our home rent-free. I told her that she should be lucky that I treat her as my own because not everyone would do such with their stepchild.
Editing for Info – My husband thinks I am wrong for saying this to her and that what I did was harsh, but I don’t see how when she is 18 years old and she is grown.”
Another User Comments:
“Hard YTJ here. Telling her that she’s lucky you treat her as your own daughter is pretty much the nuclear option and is guaranteed to ruin your relationship with her going forward. This gets worse the longer you have been with your current husband and the longer she’s been a part of your family, which should have been at least four years based on your kids’ ages.
Now, your stepdaughter might also be a jerk, have a poor work ethic, not be helping out enough around the house, or otherwise be a burden, but as described you’ve gone about this in a terrible way (and given us zero indication of what actually happened re: custody or what your husband’s role is in all this).
E: And she’s 18 and in school, if she’s not bombing that she’s managing a full-time job equivalent.
E: To include the edit
‘Editing for Info – My husband thinks I am wrong for saying this to her and that what I did was harsh, but I don’t see how when she is 18 years old and she is grown.’
Between this and your usage of ‘problematic’ and ‘adulting’ and other languages, I’ve got to be blunt: Reddit relationship/family subreddits are not real life. 18-year-olds do not magically become fully fledged adults who can act totally independently, and family will occasionally communicate badly or underperform, and you are expected to deal with some of that friction and not throw your hands up and walk away.” Milskidasith
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Yes, your stepdaughter might be a bit immature, spoiled, and a bit of a jerk. Not that I can say for sure, because you clearly aren’t a reliable narrator. Your comments about her, and the fact you flat-out told her that she’s lucky you treat her like one of your kids, makes it clear you are the jerk in this situation.
Also, you talking about what a burden she is, and your comments about her being 18 and needing to figure out a living plan are concerning. Are you one of those people who believes that a child should be kicked out on their 18th birthday because they’re an adult and therefore no longer your problem?
Because not only is that what it seems like, but I also feel some ‘stepmonster’ vibes here. I’m confident you wouldn’t speak about your own children the way you do about your stepdaughter.
Wanting her to work part-time while she is in school (don’t pretend online classes don’t count) to help cover personal costs is perfectly reasonable.
But that really does not seem to be what you’re getting at.’ Tricky-Flamingo-7491
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely YTJ. She’s 18. You don’t magically become an adult at 18, and adults don’t magically become not upset when people insult and belittle them, which is what you did to her.
Your husband has 3 children, not just 2. It’s clear you never meant to accept his other child as part of the family with your blatant attempts to alienate her. He SHOULD be spending time with all 3 of his children, not just your two.
She SHOULD be included in all the family aspects.
It’s unfortunate your husband married you and had two kids with you. Too bad he didn’t realize how terrible you’d be to his daughter beforehand. Good luck with your divorce.” Such_Stranger1843
4. AITJ For Refusing To Move Back In And Helping My Parents With Finances?
“I’m a 22-year-old and I’ve been living on my own since I was 17. My mom kicked me out at 17 because she didn’t agree with the boy I was seeing.
So I moved in with him for a year until he got physically and mentally harmful.
My mom is a ‘high-strung’ Christian, who used to be in med school and my dad is not so much and has worked trade all his life.
He believes but they just have different views about nearly everything. My mom is against all smoking, illegal substances, drinking, etc. My dad is a smoker. I also smoke herbs for my anxiety and PTSD but my mom is heavily against it.
I moved back in with my parents at the beginning of 2019 just until I could settle some debts from the relationship. When I moved back in; my parents kept a curfew on me of 10 pm for a 20-year-old, there were constant fights, and my mom got mad and would blame my smoking on everything and tell me I wasn’t going to get to go on MY senior trip and family vacation.
She has told me I won’t get those promises until I ‘clean up.’
I moved out again after about 6 months. I moved in with a friend, we had our tiffs. So I moved into a van for 6 months until I could get an apartment.
Fast forward to now. I’ve been living on my own for 4 years now. My mom quit her job to take care of my Memaw who passed of dementia in May 2022 and my mom has still yet to get a job.
My brother (26) still lives at home and doesn’t contribute whatsoever. Memaw helped financially with the house because she lived with us all my life and now my parents are down 2 incomes, mom’s and memaw’s. They know my current partner just got promoted to store manager, which of course came with a raise, and have since asked for us to move in to help financially.
I’m at a loss because I’d love to help them and return the help they gave me from my ex but I also know the toxic environment I’d be moving back into. My mom has always pushed me to do more than I believe I can achieve and I’m not mad at her.
I know she’s grieving from the loss of her mother but we have such clashing personalities now I don’t want to make everyone miserable.
Am I the jerk for not moving back in and helping?
EDIT: my dad has his own business.
my brother and dad’s friend both work for my dad. My dad says they don’t contribute enough/at all. So there are already 4 capable adults living at the house they’re trying to pay for.
While I’m trying to make plans and save for my next plans in life.
My own land and home. They gave me 3 options; we can build a tiny home in the backyard, close the back living area and bedroom off as an in-law suite for us, or we could get a camper and hook up to their house.
If anything, I’m leaning towards the camper but I still think we’ll just be too close for comfort, unfortunately): I hate to say it because I love my mom, I’m not mad at her, I just don’t want to take on something that won’t benefit me in the long run.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kudos to you for putting your life together with not much help or guidance from your parents. Seems like you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. Don’t let their financial failure deviate you from your goals of owning land and building a home.
You don’t owe them anything. Sometimes love is allowing people to make mistakes so that they can learn their lessons. Right now, they have to learn their lesson, your mom needs a job and they need to kick your bro out, he’s dead weight.
If you come to bail them out, they won’t ever learn this lesson.” werthtrillions
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
None of those would benefit you. You’d be within her home, therefore her rules. Plus it would affect your long-term goals, do you want to live in an in-law suite/camper forever?
Building on their land wouldn’t be helpful to you either, that’s money you could be putting towards a place you really want, not your parents’ back garden with no true ownership of it.
It sucks for them, but they have other adults at home that need to work this out.
Not guilt you and your partner to move in to ease their financial burden while the rest sit and watch.” HunterDangerous1366
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It sounds like moving back in with them would be a disaster for your relationship with your family and your partner and would only cause conflict between everyone and likely even resentment.
Instead, someone needs to talk some sense into your brother and tell him to start contributing what he should if as your dad says he’s not contributing enough or at all.
There are other ways you can help your parents besides moving in with them, even if it’s just visiting once or twice a week to help with chores around the house or fixing dinner that you and your partner have with them.
Heck combine your shopping trips and split the groceries (saving both homes money) by buying in bulk.” Imagamergirl74
3. AITJ For Defending My Husband After A Terrible Prank?
“My husband, Jayden (26), loves jokes and pranks and stuff. I’ll admit I’m not one for them and find most of them dumb, but our daughter Lucy (5) loves them. They basically do a bunch of stupid pranks to each other, and to be fair Jayden does keep it harmless.
Last month we got some realistic-looking spider toys with other decorations. Since we got them, Jayden and Lucy have basically taken turns putting them around the house to scare each other or me. I honestly find it annoying but the two of them love it.
Lucy does usually get scared, but when she realizes what it is she laughs and finds it funny or tells her dad off (it’s actually adorable when she tells him off though), and Jayden always pretends he is scared too even when she gives it away beforehand by giggling and watching him.
So about two weeks ago Jayden set it to fall on her when she opened her toybox in the playroom. Lucy didn’t open it and apparently, he forgot it. Later that week we had my family over including my brother Leon, and my nieces (Tara 3, and Zoe 6) over.
Zoe was badly bitten by a spider when she was younger and even had to go to the hospital. Since then she is deathly afraid of them, I would go as far as to call it a phobia.
The kids went to play and the spiders fell on them.
Zoe completely freaked out and just melted down. We came down and saw what happened. Jayden did apologize and tried to cheer her up, but Leon was furious. He basically accused us of doing it on purpose, that we should know better, and just called us jerks.
We did apologize and explained that it wasn’t meant for Zoe, but my brother did not listen to him at all. Leon left early with my SIL and nieces, and the whole night was kind of ruined.
I’ve tried to talk.to him after, but Leon is still pretty mad at us.
It’s been a week and he’s still acting like we tried to murder Zoe. I’ve tried explaining again that it was an accident and a mistake. But he basically thinks it’s too convenient a mistake, and that if it is Jayden is still a jerk for being so immature and I’m a jerk for defending him.
So now he basically refuses to see us unless Jayden is banned, which is ridiculous. I do feel bad that it went so wrong and I understand that it was a horrible mistake. But it wasn’t meant to happen. It was meant to be for Lucy who likes these stupid pranks.
I think Leon’s overreacting and he thinks I just don’t really care about my niece.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
Leon saw his daughter severely traumatized… he went through fear and anger and it probably bought back a heap of anxiety for him.
That adrenalin can last a while.
I hate pranks… but, it does seem Jaden and Zoe both like it and it does sound innocent between them so that is ok too.
Here’s the thing… Leon needs to know you ran Jaden really really gets how much this hurt his daughter.
You both need to listen without excuses and own that harm was done. Saying you didn’t mean it blah blah blah will not help. If you want this to get better you need to find a way to not just say it… but act on it.
I don’t know how to do that as I don’t personally know Leon but you do. Write him a message and acknowledge the hurt and fear and ask, what you can both do to heal this.” squirlysquirel
Another User Comments:
“You might not be jerks, but you’re definitely coming across as careless and unconcerned with what your husband just did to a child – accident or not.
You realize that ‘Hey, I’m sorry, I was actually trying to prank someone else’ doesn’t magically take away the harm caused, right?
Like, if I walk into your house and break all of your dishes – I can apologize, but your stuff is still broken.
Your niece was hospitalized for a spider bite. That’s a big deal. Your brother isn’t overreacting for being upset that your husband just traumatized his daughter in what she thought was a safe place.
Especially when it very much looks intentional from the outside, and more so when your husband ‘loves pranks’. Especially because now your brother has to deal with the effects of it – any progress your niece may have made in dealing with her fear just went out the window.
Nightmares, panic attacks, further meltdowns. Your husband just completely jacked up a child’s emotional and mental state because he had been hoping for a laugh.
And to top it all off, you keep trying to calm him down with ‘Well it was an accident and a mistake’.
When, in the history of ever, has a person who is rightfully mad just flipped a 180 to being calm because of ‘Oh, hey, my bad’? Just because it was an accident doesn’t mean that your husband didn’t screw up – instead of defending him, try acknowledging that mess-up and the harm it caused, and he can try taking responsibility for his actions
If nothing else, though, this is a wonderful teaching moment – actions have consequences.” lionheart059
Another User Comments:
“I don’t get this. I would say ‘no jerks here’. Give Leon and co time to recover. They don’t need to immediately forgive this.
If the kid is retraumatized, they deserve time to recover and real phobias with actual trauma mean that this isn’t just some little scare.
Apologize again, without trying to justify what happened. Not, ‘I’m sorry but…’ just, say you’re sorry, you understand if they need space, that you never meant for this, and that you respect the boundary they’re setting.
Your husband and you aren’t jerks, it was an unexpected and unfortunate mistake. But you can’t force them to forgive if they’re not ready. The intention isn’t in the equation right now. They’re focused on their child, not your feelings.
That’s ok.
Give them time and space. You can choose to stay home with hubby or still socialize with them without. That’s ok. It sucks that’s what will make them feel better, but your being willing to do whatever it takes to fix this goes a long way to making things better.
And before everyone comes for me that it’s just a little scare, that’s not how phobia works, nor trauma in children. This is unfortunate for everyone, hence, no jerks here.” SwitchupThrice
Another User Comments:
“See, that’s the thing with pranks.
Sometimes they go horribly wrong. The worst thing you could possibly do is make excuses for it and then treat the unwitting victim like they’re being unreasonable. That’s why YTJ.
Like it or not, your husband’s prank re-traumatized a child who’s already been traumatized. Why are you blowing that off?
Trauma in children can last their whole life. Re-traumatizing someone with the same exact trauma guarantees that they’re going to have lifelong issues with this, all because of your husband’s juvenile pastime.
It doesn’t matter that ‘it wasn’t supposed to happen.’ It did happen, and your husband is responsible for causing a small child extreme pain, and you’re acting like her dad is being unreasonable because he’s trying desperately to protect her from more pain.
Your husband screwed up big time. He needs to own that, even if it means he’ll no longer be trusted around the children. If you’re going to defend him, then you really don’t care about your niece. Your brother is right to keep them away from y’all.
YTJ for trying to minimize your little niece’s pain, in favor of protecting your husband’s playtime.” Electronic_Swing_887
2. AITJ For Letting A Rude Customer Be Recorded At The Store?
“I’m a supervisor at a small store. There’s an employee Amber (30) who knows the store in and out. Does our displays and can do anything in the store? She’s also autistic and doesn’t say much when checking people out and doesn’t really look people in the eye.
We had a woman come in and try to make small talk with Amber. Somehow this woman I’m thinking anywhere from 30-45 years got offended because she felt disrespected by Amber not making small talk with her.
I get over there and she launches a complaint about Amber who is the nicest person in the store.
I loudly say to her “I hope you feel good about bullying autistic people today? Why because they wouldn’t meet some imaginary standards you have” the woman tries to defend her situation about how Amber shouldn’t be a cashier if she can make polite conversation.
I noticed a teenager filming the woman and I tell her I’m sorry that you feel like people with disabilities don’t deserve jobs because you feel like everyone should carry on a conversation with you.
The woman noticed the teen filming her and asked her to stop and the customer got called a main character.
She repeatedly asked the teen to stop filming and tried to explain her position again and just started crying saying she was actually the one having a bad day and saying she was sorry the customer left crying. Another older lady (’80s) said it was ridiculous that you can’t even make a basic complaint anymore without someone recording you.
Amber went home early from her shift after being up about the crying customer.
Then first thing Monday morning corporate tells me I should have asked the kids to stop recording the woman in the first place after she called them and launched a complaint and review on how she was ‘traumatized at this store’ Amber is thinking of quitting over it and doesn’t want to do cashier duties and I honestly can’t blame her because the customer is playing the victim card with corporate.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ this was a lot.
You revealed your employee’s private health information.
You decided TikTok would be a more effective punishment for the customer (AND AMBER) than just taking over and addressing it privately.
Is this woman a regular?
Is she gonna come in again and again?
You could have just stepped in and asked Amber if you could give her a hand, sent her to do some nonsense task in the back, then followed up after privately. You could’ve told the customer thanks for the feedback, but we think Amber is a great employee with more extensive knowledge than anyone else here.
And you could’ve defused the situation by thanking the teen girl for her concern but that you have it under control and to please move on.
Instead, you decided to play the main character and blow this up in a really silly way that did your store more reputational damage with a valued employee than that customer leaving a yelp review ever could.” lobsterp0t
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You had no right to inform anyone that Amber has autism, especially at such a loud volume. This was all you had to say to this woman (at a normal volume): ‘I’m sorry you had a bad experience but I assure you that Amber is one of our best employees and also one of the nicest. I’m sure it wasn’t her intention to offend you.’
If you hadn’t made such a scene, the teenage customer wouldn’t have started recording. Instead of trying to embarrass this woman, your goal should have been to make her feel beard so she would go away.” Mother_Tradition_774
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You handled this terribly and you’re fortunate that you didn’t get into trouble for your behavior. You escalated the situation immediately by accusing the customer of bullying Amber when you should have just taken over the transaction and explained that Amber might be quiet but she’s a dedicated and valuable employee.
The fact you continued to aggressively push your view when the customer tried to defend herself because you were being filmed is disgusting. Corporate was correct, you should have told the teenagers to stop filming and the customer had every right to complain about how incredibly unprofessional you are.
And on top of that, you, without permission, told everyone about Amber’s autism. That isn’t your place. I feel sorry for poor Amber here, not only did she receive a complaint, her own supervisor told her personal information to a store of people and whoever happened to see that video.
While I think you had good intentions, they were spoiled by your complete and utter lack of tact and the fact you immediately went on the defensive. You might want to rethink if the supervisor is the position for you when you can’t control yourself in difficult situations.” Aruu
1. AITJ For Canceling Thanksgiving Plans?
“I (32f) have been with my wife Ava (34f) for 8 years now, but we’ve been married for 5. She was a single mom of three kids when we started going out, she had two daughters (now 10 & 12) and a son (now 16). I’ve watched these kids grow up, I’ve read the bedtime stories, done bath time, the first days of school, PTA meetings, all of it.
I very much consider them to be my kids, and they’ve been calling me mom for almost 6 years now.
My brother Ivan (28m) just had a baby girl with his fiancé Sara (27f). I love my niece, and my kids adore their cousins.
My kids have been the only grandchildren on my side of the family since Ava and I got together, and there’s never been a moment where the kids and my wife were treated like they didn’t belong. My brother is their uncle, and my mom and dad are their nana and pop – the kids see my family as their family and I always thought that my family felt the same way about them.
The kids and I were over at my brother’s house just hanging out, and my parents ended up dropping by with gifts for my niece. Ivan laughed when he saw the toys and told our mom and dad that they were going to end up spoiling her rotten.
My mom said since my niece is their first grandchild of course they have to spoil her.
My kids were sitting in the living room with all of us and my youngest daughter looked hurt when she realized what my mother said.
My son and my 12-year-old didn’t fully react to it, but I could tell it bothered both of them too.
Sara spoke up and said, ‘oh you mean first grandbaby, not first grandchild.’
My dad shook his head and replied that my niece was their first grandchild.
I didn’t want my kids to keep sitting there and listening to that so I handed my son my keys and told him to wait in the car with his sisters. When they were gone, I asked my parents why they’d say that my kids weren’t their grandchildren, and my mom said they couldn’t be their grandchildren because they weren’t really my children.
My wife and I were going to be hosting thanksgiving at our house this year, but I told my parents that if they didn’t view my kids as their family, then they could just host a meal at their own house with their ‘real’ family while I spent the holiday with mine.
I left before they could say anything else to me, and my wife and I have reiterated to the children that they will always be my kids and I will always be their other mom, regardless of our DNA.
My brother is mad at me now because he thinks I reacted too harshly, and that I should try to see where my parents are coming from.
My mom texted saying that she and my dad love the kids, but they still aren’t their grandchildren, and she hopes that we can come to understand that because she doesn’t want this to ruin my niece’s first thanksgiving.
I haven’t replied back.
I meant what I said, but I’m worried that maybe I’m reacting too harshly.
ETA INFO: I adopted all three of the kids about 4 years ago, so they aren’t just my parents’ ‘step-grandchildren’. Even if I hadn’t legally adopted them, they’d still be my kids in my eyes.
Edit no.2: My wife’s parents don’t have a relationship with the kids. When my wife came out, they pretty much stopped speaking with her entirely.
Their bio dad is not involved and neither is his family. He lost his rights to the children before Ava and I started going out.
The 10-year-old has never met him, the 12-year-old doesn’t remember him, and the 16-year-old wants nothing to do with him.
My parents wanted the kids to call them Nana and Pop. I didn’t make the kids start calling them that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents seemed to be fine letting your kids consider them grandparents for years. Nothing should change just because someone has squirted out a baby they share DNA with. That means this whole time they’ve really only considered your kids some kind of twisted consolation prize.
And as if that wasn’t heartbreaking enough, they decide it’s fine to say this with your children in the room?! That’s absolutely vile, and even if they apologize and backpedal I’d think twice about the level of contact and intimacy they’re allowed with your children.
You did exactly the right thing, and don’t let anyone lead you to believe otherwise.” Hyacathusarullistad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your parents essentially used your children as their stand-in grandchildren until the baby came. If your brother didn’t have a kid, they would still be the grandparents they were.
They literally said that in front of your kids, basically telling them that their time is over. Your brother as a parent himself who has a relationship with your kids is now basking in the love and attention your parents are showing him.
I would ask your brother how he would feel if your wife and kids refused to call him uncle or his kid cousin and said they were not part of their family and made sure his kid heard it. How could he support any child being treated like this as a parent?
Your parents literally said that they aren’t concerned about YOUR FEELINGS OR YOUR KIDS’ FEELINGS, ONLY THE BABY NIECES THANKSGIVING.
Tell your mom that the fact that she is more concerned about your niece’s first Thanksgiving than making things right with you and your kids whose feelings she hurt, is the exact reason why she isn’t invited anymore.
And it’s also the reason why you won’t have your kids around her or any of them again. That they won’t grow up being told and shown that they are not part of the family.” McflyThrowaway01
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, because you don’t have to invite anyone anywhere you don’t want to.
But…
You adopted the kids. Your parents didn’t. They didn’t agree to assign biological equality to any other biological grandchildren they might have. There is none of their b***d running through your kid’s veins. And that’s perfectly fine, but you’re demanding they feel what they don’t feel.
But they aren’t required to feel like you do about your kids.
And this isn’t a situation where you adopted them as a couple – you adopted her children, and you consider them your own. That’s great. But there’s not a transient property of emotions here – because they are your parents you and you consider the kids your own, that does not mean they’ll have the same emotions towards your kids that you do.
And honestly, it’s an unrealistic and unfair expectation.
They love them. They treat them well. Isn’t that enough? Are you going to be mad if they get a lesser inheritance? If your parents decide to pass down heirlooms along the bloodline?
Do you not concede they have the right to feel how they feel?
Again, NTJ. Parents should have behaved better. But they’re allowed to feel differently than you do. They didn’t see your kids being born, or their first steps, or change their diapers or anything like that.
They don’t and won’t have the same bond. And expecting them to – expecting them to feel the same as you do – is unrealistic. Probably should have kept it to themself, but even if they did, there’s a good chance even then the differences would be apparent and noticed.
Blended families are hard. Good luck.” whiporee123
