People Demand Our Perspective On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
15. AITJ For Speaking My Mind And Refusing To Pay?
“Cast: Bride – my long-time friend. Groom -her fiancée.
S – my friend’s sister.
So my friend is getting married and before I get into this, I’d like to clarify that Bride and Groom are both in serious debt. I am a single parent and don’t have spare funds.
Plus I’m also making their cake and have set aside a little bit of moola as a gift and already have my dress.
So it started when bride and groom made plans for buck and doe and informed the bridal party that we each had a list of things that we were told to purchase for it.
I said no. I am talented in baking so I offered to make things for it and help decorate but I didn’t think it was right to demand that we use our own funds. I was ignored so I went to the group chat to inform everyone that I couldn’t afford it.
Bride and Groom cancelled the event and wrote a message to the group saying that we let them down that when we agreed to be a part of the bridal party we accepted all the obligations, financial or otherwise and went on about how they didn’t have any money.
After that, Bride and I sent messages back and forth discussing our hurt feelings in which I inferred that these decisions must have been made by Groom because we’d never had problems like this before. Bride said that in order for me to stay in the wedding, I needed to agree to start fresh with Groom as I was never a fan of his which Bride was aware of since my distaste was mainly based off of the things she’d told me he did.
I agreed to start fresh and Bride said she had a lot going on and we wouldn’t be able to get together for a while, which I understood.
It’s been a few weeks and S messaged the bridal party to request the bridal shower.
I once again said that I would be unable to help but that I’d love to make food for it. S said no need they paid for catering and that since I wouldn’t be contributing financially I should host the shower, decorate it, run all the games, put together all the favors, etc. I read it, took some time to calm down and thought I must just be feeling a little sensitive so I reread the message and it was clearly written that I would be responsible for all the work, alone.
I told her that while I would have been happy to help, it seemed more that I was being punished than anything and that if that was the attitude she had that I would be unable to attend the other events that she would be hosting.
I then messaged the bride to let her know that I supported her and would love to take both Bride and groom out to dinner and that I’d still be happy to make the wedding cake but that it would be best if I didn’t attend the events.
Bride messaged back saying that I’d been nothing but disrespectful to her and her sister and her future husband and that I had been relieved of my bridesmaid duties and would no longer be attending the wedding.
It is the bride’s day so maybe I was the jerk for speaking up when I should have just gone along with it?
AITJ for refusing to pay and speaking my mind?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – from what I know about weddings, if you are in the bridal party, you agree to pay for a dress and other things related to your look, whatever it costs to be at the wedding, and a gift. That’s it.
For bridal shower and other stuff, other people get to make decisions on that based on stuff the bride is interested in and people’s budgets. It’s tacky as heck for the bride, no matter how affluent she is, to write a list. It’s acceptable to make suggestions but it’s not a list of demands.
Regardless, if you don’t have the money, you don’t have the money. The bride is cheap as heck. Do you make cakes for your job? And do you care about burning bridges? Because I would tell the bride that you will not be making the cake for free.
If she wants a cake from you, she can pay $x (and factor in a jerk fee).” FancyPantsDancer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I read these posts about brides posting rules and budgets that bridesmaids have to follow, requesting showers and the weekends away, and it all seems so presumptuous to assume that even a close friend wants to or can spend thousands.
You were very clear on what you could afford, and frankly, I think the bride is a greedy jerk for pushing you for more. If you wanted to be petty, you could ask her to reimburse you for the bridesmaid dress or at least make sure if she gets a replacement that she’s the same size so she can have your dress.” Fluffypuppyzone
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I love how the bride acted as if she was punishing you by relieving you of your bridesmaid duties. I wouldn’t even want to attend their wedding if I were in your position.
Your entitled friend doesn’t deserve any of your support whatsoever. I’m wondering if your friend was always such a leech or if she got that way when she started seeing this guy. In any event, you’re better off without her.” SomeoneYouDontKnow70
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say a very soft ESH at least in the states it’s fairly common that bridal party plans/pays for the bachelorette party but at the same time if the bride and groom are really that strapped for the catering events seemed unnecessary and the bride sounds like she’s asking for hundreds left and right and is getting sad when no one has a ton to spare, what did the other bridesmaids say/do?” sourdough_s8n
14. AITJ For Being Sarcastic To My Coworker?
“I’m sarcastic by nature. I enjoy it. That being said, I think I am the b******e here but at the same time, I thought it was justified for this instance.
For context, I work in a hospital kitchen.
I mainly work in the dish room. It’s not bad, it’s pretty laid back. Except for the morning shift, they’re tight about everything. My coworkers think they can push people around because they suck up to management.
So at every turn, they’ll complain to a higher-up and someone will get a write-up without any investigation. It’s BS. The only reason why I work morning hours is to be able to spend time with my wife and kids during the day.
Anyway, one day the main water line to the hospital had busted. Meaning we couldn’t use water in the DISH room. Yeah, dishes require access to water to be washed. So we had to use what little water had to hand wash everything.
From pots and pans to all the patient trays that are usually run through our big industrial dishwasher. Took us double the time to do the same amount of work. There is a lady who works in another section of the kitchen, let’s call her Angie.
Angie has a son who has a mental disability (form of autism) who works with me in the dish room sometimes. He goes back and forth between morning and evenings, he also had an assistant who would keep him on track, but he no longer needs her as he’s a great worker and I enjoy working with him.
On this particular day when the water line had busted, and he was scheduled to work evenings, his mom Angie came to the dish room to say to us, “Looks like someone is going to have to stay over to help,” insinuating that we stay to help her son.
Even tho he’s perfectly capable.
This annoyed me. And me, being the sarcastic/funny guy that I am looked her straight in the eye and said “not my shift, not my problem.”
She stood there for 10 ten seconds in disbelief that I DARED talk to her like that.
I stared back in silence. She walked away and ran of to tell a Lead. Which she did cause I was pulled into the office the next day and reprimanded for talking to someone like that.
Eh. Whatever. I’ll do it again.
So what do you guys think? Am I the jerk?
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You’re right. Not your problem. But it doesn’t hurt to stay and make sure things are taken care of.
Especially if the person has a disability. Yes he usually does fine on his own, but this isn’t a normal situation. What if he gets overwhelmed by the way it needs to be done. But if his mom could stay and help, that’s also best. Because a lot of autistic people do better with family.
I would have discussed that with the Lead. Now his mother is the jerk. Because she shouldn’t have run and complained. She should have talked it over with you. She was immature about the situation. Your lead was also in the wrong.
You can say what you want. Right or wrong. Not sure exactly how the lead went about speaking to you. But I would have said please be kinder to others. It’s not hard. I am also very sarcastic and work with people who complain to higher ups.
It sucks, but for you have to deal with it. Remember to be kind, because kindness can change someone.” CompetitiveSea513
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Unless she’s some kind of management, it’s not your shift and not your problem.
There’s nothing wrong here. You made your boundary clear.
I don’t know why they reprimanded you.
It would be one thing if she asked you politely to help, or if the boy asked you to stay or something, but she was essentially demanding you to stay.
Sorry, but having this disability is not an excuse, especially since you were interacting with her, not him. It’s not your responsibility–it’s management’s.
I can understand a little more if it was in front of him, but even so, she was out of line in the first place.
I’m not saying it’s the best way to respond, but it’s not really…that bad, either, sorry.” csunberry
Another User Comments:
“It’s amusing to me that sarcastic people assume they are funny to everyone because they enjoy being sarcastic.
That being said, your response was curt. However, I am assuming from what you wrote, the person you addressed your comment to was not in a position of authority over you. I’m still going to say YTJ, being polite doesn’t cost you anything, and personally, I think sarcastic people are more often annoying than funny.” Solrackai
13. AITJ For Waiting Until My Husband Comes Home To Run Errands?
“I just had my 3rd child about 2 months ago. Also, I have a toddler and elementary-age kiddo. I’m a SAHM. My husband works 4 days a week, 6 to 5 pm, and then helps at the family farm on most of his days off.
I’ve done a few errands with the kids. It has been hectic because if I’m getting things, then I can’t fit the double stroller in the car. So I have to wrangle the toddler to not run away, bring 1 stroller for baby or try to balance the 2 of them, and get a cart and have elementary help push something.
Plus loading and unloading everything/everyone at each place gets stressful.
I’m lucky enough to not be a single parent and have this option and lately have been waiting until my husband gets home from work, to go out and run the errands on my own.
I usually don’t dawdle (not that I feel I have to rush home either), and can get all my stuff done in about half the time. I’m usually gone no more than 2 hours for a big trip, 30 minutes for milk and bread.
It’s just easier to have a list and be in and out without dragging tired, hangry kids with me.
My husband doesn’t complain, but he is always so stressed out when I get back. Says the baby didn’t stop crying, the toddler was crazy, and he just wants to relax.
I can tell he gets frustrated and is extra crabby on some of the days when I tell him I need to run an errand. He asked why I couldn’t save them for a day off, but he hardly has those, and I can’t predict when we’ll run out of things ( one week, bananas get eaten in 2 days, the next week, they go untouched type of thing).
We do go together sometimes, but very rarely, he doesn’t like to wander around stores. I try to plan and make it one big supply trip and knock everything out in one go anyway, so it’s not like I do it every day.
But it annoyed me that I can’t even get away for an hour, do something for the family, and come back home to chaos and a grumpy husband.
ETA: I do choose grocery pickup sometimes, and he will usually get it after work if I’m unable.
A lot of our stuff is through WIC, which requires going into the store anyways though.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – He agreed to have 3 kids, which means that sometimes he needs to be in charge of all 3 at once.
Even on days he has worked. So you are definitely not the jerk. But that doesn’t mean it’s not stressful. He seems like he is trying not to complain, so he gets points for that. It also sounds like not only are these shopping trips necessary for the items needed, but also for you to have some time without 3 kids hanging all over you!
A couple suggestions –
-
If it’s just a few items, ask your husband to pick things up on his way home
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Look into grocery delivery in your area for big grocery trips, believe me – the extra $10-15 is worth it.
It will save your sanity. It will also cut down on impulse purchases and the kids’ “I just have to have it” purchases (may even save you money).
-
Make sure that on his days off you are getting some personal time!
Running errands should not be the only time you get to exist on your own. He can and should be able to handle his kids. You do it all day, every day.
His out-of-house work hours are also your work hours.
It is impossible for you to get all of the kids and home things done within his out-of-house work hours, that is not how kids and homes work. The hours when he is not doing his out-of-house job, you two are equally responsible for kid/home duty and equally deserve time off (together, with the kids, alone).” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Can I share how we handled this?
My husband was a firefighter when we had our twins. His schedule was 24 on, 24 off, 24 on, 24 off, 24 on, 48 off. Exhausting and throughout fire season, there were many times when those between days became 72 hours on.
Having twins in an area predominantly a retirement community made things complicated. A quick run to the grocery store became a nightmare as arthritically bound fingers made their way into the cart to poke at the boys, where halitosis-ridden seniors would make me stop and listen to their family genealogy because a great, great uncle had twins or the time a gnome looking woman pinched their cheeks red and called them double trouble which caused them, who understood the T-word, to burst out bawling.
Like you, I got into the pattern of running errands on my own. And started coming home to angry glares and tear-stained faces.
That’s when we learned three things: verbally appreciate your partner, leave nothing unsaid with your gratitude; give your partner a decompression period when arriving home from work; consolidate those trips.
Yes, you ran out of bananas, guess what? We’ll have something else instead. Out of diapers? Break out Auntie Bertha’s cloth diapers you stowed in the rag bin and break out the Desitin. Parenting teaches us to be weirdly resourceful and it teaches our little ones too.
You have one trick in the tool shed we didn’t: delivery service. You may want to look into your options there to ease the need to run out for incidentals.” SueDohNymn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re both stressed. As a fellow mom of 3 (4,4 &7) it’s tough taking 3 kids to run errands and makes everything take so much longer and easier to forget things.
At the same time, you both are tired after a long day and you both crave that relaxation time. You say your partner isn’t really complaining, he has asked if you can plan to run errands on a day off instead, not always feasible but also not an unreasonable ask either.
It sounds like you’re both simply tired and still struggling to find your new groove with the baby, 2 months really isn’t enough time to have your new normal figured out. You still need time for yourself in all this and when errands become the only time you get away without kids it just compounds the stress.
Can you utilize other options for things like groceries? Do you have delivery or pick-up order options? Those can really help, it’s much easier taking 3 kids for a pickup order than into the store. But also it’s typically much quicker than shopping yourself and you could even ask your husband to pick up the order on his way home to save more time than you need to figure out a system where you both get time to relax, destress and just not worry about chores, the kids or work.” Tiffm09
12. AITJ For Moving Out My Fiancé's House Because Of An Insufferable Family Member?
“I (20f) and my fiancé (20m) let’s call him Rick, lived with his grandmother (72 at the time) for two years together. I took care of his grandmother as Rick took care of his grandfather (74 at the time).
I gave most of my time to her when I wasn’t working or at my parent’s house. I cleaned the house and cooked some of the time, as she still enjoyed cooking. I noticed she was beginning to think of me as a servant and not a person, asking me to do impossible tasks, driving for hours on end because she wants one certain restaurant that was an hour away.
I spoke to Rick about it and he said that he hasn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary, so I brushed it off. Fast forward a few months, Rick’s grandfather passed away, Rick and his grandmother were both distraught, so I started doing more for her with Ricks’s help.
She would get mad over little things that Rick and I didn’t see significant enough to be mad over, we brushed it off as grieving.
Fast forward a year, I fell pregnant for the first time, I was still doing my daily routine but trying not to push myself too hard.
At 10 weeks we lost the baby, she told me that I was doing too much and that’s why I lost the baby. I felt as though she was blaming me for it. Even though the doctor’s report stated it was due to a defect in the baby’s heart.
I was in a mental lockdown for a few months. I had severe depression and Rick took over my house duties until I came out of it.
When I finally felt better, Rick surprised me with a trip to a romantic place for a week.
I fell pregnant once again. Now I am 20+ weeks pregnant, grandmother has started telling me what to wear, what to do and what to eat essentially. She’s very controlling. She told me I couldn’t wear red lipstick, or a loose, flowing, casual dress when it’s 90° outside and just bad mouths everything I do.
Being pregnant has taken a serious hit on my confidence, and her words don’t help. If I defy her because it’s my choice what to wear and do, she gives Rick and I both the silent treatment for hours, refuses to eat and drink.
She refused to let me paint the walls in the extra room for my baby’s room. She is also very hungry – anytime Rick and I have food, she demands it.
Although sometimes she can be nice and that’s why I feel like I’m the jerk, after Rick moves, she won’t have anyone to take care of her.
I moved back with my parents while Rick packs to move out of state, which she got mad over. So AITJ for moving out from my fiancé’s house because of an insufferable family member?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You just got a glimpse into how horrible bringing a baby into that home would have been. God bless you for getting the heck out of there. She would have been coming and the middle of the night taking the baby out of his or her bassinet shoving whatever food she wanted down your baby’s throat and it would have been a crap show.
Congratulations on your Rainbow OP! Enjoy every moment of it. Trust me I know full well how difficult it can be on our bodies and the sleeplessness and discomfort we go through but the end result is so worthwhile.
I wish you a happy, healthy pregnancy, delivery, and peaceful postpartum.” Jovon35
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You two are living there, driving them places, doing household chores and giving them money. No. Unless grandma’s finances are so tight that she would lose the house without your financial help, the services you two have been providing should have been a trade for room and board and you should not be giving her any money.
Do not tell her when you get it as it is none of her business. It does sound like she probably needs a physical as some of her mood/behavioral changes could be from onset of dementia.
That also might cause an issue with any household change because change throws someone with dementia off. When you are living with someone, onset can be harder to notice.” holisarcasm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She is not your responsibility, she is not even Rick’s responsibility.
She can sort her own living situation out on her own. She is 74, but that is not that old and she has time to figure out how she wants to live. But you need a stress-free environment to grow your child and living with her is not stress-free.
Glad to read that Rick is moving out too.” voluntold9276
11. AITJ For My Friends Walking Away?
“I’m 17, but the story starts at 15. I’ve always been an insecure person, with self-esteem and socialization problems, however, since I was younger I had my “group” of friends: Gustavo, Gabriela, Livia, and Bianca.
In 2020, due to the viral respiratory illness, we lost a little contact, but we still talked every day, always talking nonsense and sometimes meeting.
However, one day I ended up moving away from Gabriela, because she wasn’t doing me any good, kept making fun of me, and talking bad about the things I had/bought. Until then, everything was going well, until Livia started to disappear, saying that she was studying, and didn’t have time to talk to people much.
I believed what she said because she’s focused on her studies.
After a few days, I saw that they were leaving without me. We always hung out together, but they started going out without me, posting pictures on Instagram and everything.
I got a little nervous, and I complained to them, why the heck did they do that? They were walking away from me without me doing anything. In the end, they said I was wrong and I was making a storm in a teacup.
After Livia, Bianca also stopped talking to me, we just chatted in group calls to do school work (the school was working online). I noticed this and commented to Gustavo, he said it was normal. After they stopped talking to me, my only friend was Gustavo, I always talked to him every day, sometimes he came to my house to play games, watch anime, etc. So maybe I got it all mixed up.
I figured that maybe I liked him, I stayed like that for a while and told him my feelings. He, being straight, said it was okay, that he liked me but not like that.
But after that day, he started doing… strange things.
He started sending me shirtless pictures, hinting at something, asking for partner advice, he even said that one day he would kiss me, he did it to “provoke” and then he said that we would have nothing.
I couldn’t take it and in the end, I walked away from him, choosing to be alone.
Time passed, and I met new people. But this week my school came back and I saw them, talking as if nothing had happened, and as if I didn’t even exist.
Today was Gabriela’s birthday, and Bianca posted pictures of them all together on Instagram, saying nice things to each other, so I felt weird. Am I a jerk for pushing Gabi away and confusing things with my old friends?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, people grow and change and leave things and people behind. You didn’t fit in there and that’s perfectly fine. You can release them without guilt, especially Gustavo. It makes me mad that he was playing with your heart like that.
That’s not okay.” ShampooSucks
10. AITJ For Having Strict Rules For My Bridesmaids?
“I’m not really sure about this so let’s get it over with.
I’m getting married in early September and I’ve picked my bridal party. One of my bridesmaids is my sister.
My sister has a completely different style than me. I am following this clean girl but also glam girl kind of style but my sister is that type of e-girl/alt style. She has light pink hair, a nose ring, multiple earrings and she’s also got sleeve tattoos on both of her arms and also her neck and chest. My sister’s appearance was something that always troubled me regarding her being a bridesmaid.
I’ve set rules that apply to all bridesmaids but some are specifically about my sister. First of all, I set a specific budget I expect them to spend for the bachelorette party. I gave them the choice to hire their own makeup artists and hairstylists but I requested a specific kind of hairstyle and makeup.
They’d also pay for their own dresses. All of that is very common and nobody complained.
Where I heard complaints though was when I presented some rules specifically for my sister. I told her she’d have to buy body makeup and cover up the tattoos.
I also told her to remove her nose ring and most of her earrings and only keep the normal earrings. And I told her to dye her hair a natural color at least for the wedding festivities such as the bachelorette and the actual wedding.
The bridesmaids dress really clashes with my sister’s image and she’s going to look really out of place with all the tattoos, piercings and hair with that dress.
She told me she won’t do any of it and I tried to beg her to do it for me, her sister and how happy it would make me.
She told me that my happiness shouldn’t depend on making her change her style and be someone else to fit my aesthetic wedding. I told her people make sacrifices for weddings and how many people might be uncomfortable or sad they have to follow certain rules but they still do it out of love and respect for the couple getting married. She said no and that if I’m not ok with this she’ll drop out.
I got very annoyed she started holding it against me and I don’t want her to drop out but I wished for her to make this one-time thing for me work.
My mom and dad surprisingly sided with her and they don’t usually do that.
My fiancé is on my side and believes my sister is an entitled brat. But my parent’s siding with her really made me question whether I’m the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
First off, hair. Do you not understand how hard and EXPENSIVE it is to get someone’s hair to pink then natural then back to pink?!?
The dye has to be dark enough to cover the pink (and tends to take a couple rounds to fully cover.) Then to go BACK to pink (or any vibrant color) the bleaching process is a pure nightmare.
You can’t just go to platinum blonde from brunette or anything except blonde to blonde without excessive amounts of bleach! Think two-three sessions of typically 30 volume lightener just to get it to close to platinum (depending on length of hair as well it could take more) then the toning process as well.
For example, I’m a dark brunette and shoulder-length hair. To get to the shade of purple hair I want, I would need to go Platinum blonde plus toning and then dye it’s an EASY $500 DOLLARS and that’s NOT counting TIP.
I’d be in the chair a minimum 3-5 hours and chances are two different days so my hair isn’t fried. This isn’t a cheap and easy process.
Tattoos: cover-up makeup for tattoos (that actually works well) is HIGHLY expensive and comes in small containers.
You can’t typically buy it in a huge jar or something. High-Quality level concealer for tattoos run into the hundreds if she’s covering the majority of her body. Which she shouldn’t need to do. Also are any of the tattoos vulgar or overall inappropriate?
I’m gonna say no because someone who has multiple tattoos typically understands that placement is important and don’t just get the more adult ones on a place where it can be seen easily such as arms, legs, feet and chest.
Piercings- you ready to take the cost on of getting them redone? Because holes can close really fast depending on the person. People use retainer piercings for a reason when they can’t wear the normal ones.
Nose piercings depending on where it is can start to close pretty fast (a friend had to re-pierce her nose with a retainer or normal piercing because it started to close within hours of it coming out.
It’s not fun) so depending on how her body is, she could have to have them redone in a studio. Which isn’t cheap it’s typically $60+ for a legit studio to do it.
And to end this.
You’re demanding your sister to spend hundreds of dollars on YOUR wedding for YOU. You want her to have a specific hairstyle and make-up done where she has to pay out of pocket for a make-up artist (they get expensive) you want to pay for a dress that chances are she’ll never wear again (again money) you’re demanding them ALL to pay a set amount for a party and imma assume it’s not something cheap so even more out of her pocket.
Then you’re demanding she spend hundreds of dollars to change her hair and style to suit YOUR “vision” of a single day and then got mad when she said “no I value myself more than your vision of a wedding”
Your vision of a “perfect day” doesn’t mean you get to tell your sister that she has to change every part of her to be who you demand she be. Who cares if the dress doesn’t look perfect because of her tattoos?
The dress shouldn’t matter when the wedding is about YOU AND YOUR PARTNERS LOVE AND COMMITMENT TO EACH OTHER.
You’re actually being selfish and a bridezilla and hopefully your sister does step down and instead is a guest. (And let’s hope you don’t impose rules on your guests as well… because apparently your wedding party is made of Barbies that you can dress and decide how they act and talk), because she doesn’t deserve to be treated the way you’re treating her.
You’re treating her like a prop that can be changed instead of an actual human being. Shame on you. When you ruin your relationship with your sister over a single day don’t come crying here. Because you will ruin your relationship with her if you don’t stop acting like this.
She ain’t Barbie. She’s a human being and shouldn’t be forced to comply with your outrageous demands. No one’s gonna give a darn if she has tattoos or piercings or pink hair. And if they do then they weren’t their for you.
Stop being selfish and get over yourself. And stop being a bridezilla before you lose your relationship with your sister.” Alyssa_Hargreaves
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The bachelorette budget is NOT common and anyone who is telling you that is a liar.
The hair and makeup I understand, but if you are requiring a certain style for both, you need to pay. You need to leave the option for bridesmaids to be able to do their own in case they are on a budget.
You are essentially trying to morph your sister into something she isn’t. That’s completely unreasonable. And in early September?? Depending on where you are in the country, it’s still going to be warm/bordering on hot.
I’m in New England and early September can stay in the 90s here. Requiring her to have full-body makeup is unreal, and she will probably sweat through it all, and now you have a bridesmaid covered in melted makeup (and let’s be real, you’d probably get mad at her for that too).
When I was a MOH I held off on dying my hair any unnatural color or getting new tattoos out of respect for my friends. They absolutely did not expect that and even told me straight up to not change my plans, that they just want me up there with them and they don’t care how I look.
That’s how someone who truly loves their wedding party and just wants to share the moment with them acts. You want an image. That’s all you want. You can’t force your sister into that image.
You need to accept that your pictures are more important to you than being around those you love, and that your sister backing out is the only reasonable solution (aside from giving up your demands). You can’t have it both ways.
Your poor sister.” Jcktorrance
Another User Comments:|
“YTJ.
Like is this real life?
WHO is the entitled brat? Not your sister! She’s right. If you don’t like the way she dresses and expresses herself, she doesn’t need to be in your wedding party.
Why do you even want her there anyway? If it’s to support you and be by your side on your big deal, she definitely doesn’t need to look like a cookie-cutter version of what YOU like.
I mean, you’re the jerk already for dictating what people spend on your bachelorette party. Really? Be grateful your people are spending all this to dress how you want and have hair and makeup specifically how you would like for the wedding, and maybe let them all decide how they spend their otherwise?
YOU are SO entitled. Just imagine telling your bridal party they HAVE to spend ‘x’ on a party for you, otherwise, it’s not good enough.
Manage your expectations about other people.
Just stop for a second and think if your sister was getting married and she wanted every bridesmaid to dye their hair bright blue.
Would you think that’s fair? Would you want to please her by adhering to her ‘aesthetic’? Of course not! That’s insane!
Side note. Dying your hair specific colors can take a while to get a certain shade perfectly and by dying her hair back to a ‘normal’ shade, as you call it, would ruin all that work she put in.
Not to mention how many hours she sat getting her tattoos and she is probably proud of them and loves them. But she has to change that part of her for not just your wedding but your stagette so she doesn’t ‘stand’ out?
Are you and your fiancé hearing yourselves? Good grief. Stop making your wedding the centre of everyone else’s universes. I can guarantee you that no one will care about your sister’s appearance on that day except you.
NO ONE should have to make a ‘sacrifice’ for your wedding. This is not about love or respect in any way shape or form. It’s about control. Let go of that immediately or risk your relationship with your sister, who sounds cool as heck, to be honest.
Grow. Up.” HumbleOrganization71
9. AITJ For Ignoring My Friend?
“So I’m a sophomore in high school and I have this friend Lucy. Lucy and I have only been good friends since the beginning of the school year, but we’ve known each other since middle school.
I’d say that up until this point she’s been one of my best friends.
Lucy’s always been a little depressed. She’s told me she has various mental issues, and she hides it pretty well like you probably wouldn’t notice from looking at her, but as her best friend, I know.
She also isn’t very liked around the school. She’s very loud in class and can be very annoying at times, to the point where almost everybody in school doesn’t like her. But even with people making fun of her at school, I’ve always been there for her.
So about 3 days ago, I walked into one of my and Lucy’s mutual classes where we normally sit next to each other. I went and sat down in my usual seat and went on my phone.
The bell rang a few minutes later and when Lucy didn’t turn up, I assumed she wasn’t there and let my friend Shawn sit next to me. I went through the rest of my day without seeing her until the last period when I saw her.
I went up to her and said hey I didn’t know you were here today how are you! She ignored me at first, but after a few times of saying hey she finally looked at me and said, “I walked past you three times earlier and you ignored me” so I said oh I’m sorry I was probably just zoned out and didn’t notice you, you should’ve said something.
To which she ignored me.
I hadn’t talked to her since then, because when I did, she ignored me. We went about three days without talking. During that time, I realized how much I enjoyed not having to put up with her.
I thought to myself about the number of times she has been rude to me, or gotten “mad at me” over something stupid and expected me to apologize to appease her. It got to the point where during regular days, I would be going to school being scared that she would be mad at me.
I have been realizing to myself how toxic she is to me and if you would like more examples I’ll give them to you. In the last few weeks even, I had honestly been thinking to myself about ways I could get rid of her, so this honestly worked out perfectly for me
So I came up with the idea of if she doesn’t wanna talk to me, I wouldn’t talk to her, since I don’t want her in my life anyways. But during a class we share today, she sat outside the room, and she got about 5 separate people to go outside, then come back in saying she wanted to talk to me.
I’ve also had 2 separate mutual friends tell me about how she has been saying rude things about me to them, and how I’m such an awful person for not talking to her. These mutual friends also say that the reason she is mad at me is more because “I ignored her when she said she was in a bad mental place” which wasn’t even part of it and she didn’t say by the way.
She’s now trying to text me to get me to apologize honestly done with her immaturity. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her mental health issues aren’t an excuse for being rude to you to the point you’re getting scared of how she treats you.
It’s probably time to end this friendship. Do be careful because it sounds like she’s being manipulative with people who know both of you, and you will likely deal with some negative reactions from them. Try to be calm, explain your side, and politely tell Lucy you think it’s best if you do not spend time together anymore.
You’ll probably get a nasty reaction to that, and told you don’t care about her mental health and so on. You aren’t responsible for her or anyone’s mental health besides your own, and yours is suffering from the relationship too.
Take care of yourself.” landsleaving
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Lucy is definitely the bigger jerk. You don’t owe her a response, but that doesn’t mean it’s right not to respond. You’re using the same tactic as the jerk.
Totally justified but still rude. If I were in your shoes, my response to her next attempt to talk would be the truth: “it felt crappy when you ignored me and I don’t want to put more energy into someone who treats me this way” and if she pushes back, let her know that it’s not the first time you’ve felt crappy after interacting with her.
When you’re honest and open about what’s going on, it’s drawing a clear boundary. Then you can continue to ignore her (within reason; you might still have to talk if you’re paired on a project or something) and still be the bigger person.
At 15/16years old, though? I would have chosen the jerky route and ignored her. Being a jerk isn’t the end of the world.” Burbujitas
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I have someone in my life with mental issues and they made me feel depressed all the time.
I was literally taking on their issues. “Not my monkey, not my tree.” I finally set some limits on that relationship and told them that they needed help from a professional and I could no longer try to fix their life.
You have to set boundaries for your own well-being. The person in question got counseling and placed on meds that helped extremely. They also joined a support group. Don’t take on other peoples monkeys.” Patrcat
8. AITJ For Not Wanting My BIL Around My Kids?
“I have a BIL “Matt” who I really can’t stand. He is a plastic surgeon and pretty much every bad stereotype about the profession applies. He has always looked down on us for having a more average middle-class lifestyle.
He is pretty subtle with his digs, but likes to comment on how he would die if he was my husband because our lives look awful. He has joked to both of my kids that don’t they want to make a lot like him and not be boring like their mom and dad.
Unfortunately, my husband is close to him and my son worships him. My daughter doesn’t like him very much and has pointed some of this out to her dad.
Recently Matt and his wife were over for dinner.
Matt and my husband were just having a conversation, and Matt made a comment about how much he hates it when men call their wives or partners beautiful when they aren’t. I pointed out that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and those men probably do find their partners beautiful.
Matt said no, beauty actually comes down to science and math and you are either beautiful or you aren’t, and everything else is just something society tells us to make people feel better. He then went on to say that obviously, people are going to marry your equal, so if you are ugly or average your partner won’t be attractive unless you are loaded, but why lie about it, it makes him cringe.
I snapped at my husband that I don’t want this crap said in front of my kids and asked him to do something. My husband just sat there. Matt said we all know he was right and just don’t want to admit it.
My daughter finally spoke up, because she has limited tolerance for his BS, and told him that with that logic he doesn’t complement his wife’s personality, does he? Matt got annoyed and began yelling at all of us.
I told him to just leave and he laughed and said no, he was going to finish his steak. I didn’t even know what to do. He sat there and proceeded to lecture my daughter on how she must hate women, because his wife is a doctor and how dare she reduce her to just a pretty face.
He stayed just long enough to make a point and then stormed out, and his wife said goodbye to everyone except my daughter.
I confronted my husband and said I don’t want Matt in our house again, and I don’t want him around the kids.
My husband is free to still see him, but I feel he is toxic. My husband got upset and said I was being too hard on him. He says banning him is too drastic and we can’t change him, but he still wants a relationship and feels our son should be free to see him.
I’m standing firm right now, I don’t want him around my kids or in my house.”
Another User Comments:
“So this grown ‘man’ spews toxic bull jerk and yells at your children (which is verbal mistreatment by the way), and your husband is cool with this?
He’s okay with your children being indoctrinated by a misogynistic, uninformed, arrogant jerk who literally mistreated your children?
100% NTJ. But you will be if you allow Matt near your children again. Do NOT allow your children to be harmed just to keep your husband happy.
And by the way, Matt is a complete moron. Beauty is absolutely subjective – why else would different societies have different standards for beauty?? Or is he so ignorant and arrogant that he believes Western beauty ideals are the only appropriate set of standards?!
People like him make me sick and I hope you never have to be insulted with his presence again. I’m a psychologist who specializes in body image and trauma and people like Matt are why I will never run out of work.
He’s a sorry excuse for a human being and I hope your husband pulls his head out of his rear end, ASAP.” LavenderGooms_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He may influence your son to be a total jerk and it is beyond me that your husband does not see that but your daughter does.
I’m not sure how old your daughter is but I think you should treat her to something nice and special for the comment she made. She sounds very wise and intellectual about what she said.
Clearly she sees him as toxic, I’m absolutely stunned his wife doesn’t correct his behavior because it’s disgusting to view people through a typical lens of beauty, which is NOT true.
Many people think ‘typically attractive’ or ‘scientifically attractive’ people aren’t attractive.
God. This post made ME angry. NTJ, NTJ.
They’re your kids you know what’s best the fact your husband can’t see how toxic this can become… you are who you hang out with.
Does your husband agree with him? Does he find you poor and ugly? How does he view women? Does he degrade him like his brother does? Does he not understand how this can influence his son?
Mostly because his uncle is successful and probably married a ‘scientifically’ beautiful specimen?” honestwizard
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Sounds like your BIL feeds your husband and your son lies and falsities about how much ‘better’ their life is.
You said your husband salivates over SIL more than you want to admit?
Isn’t that a HUGE red flag Op? These people are just simply pompous jerks and your kids don’t need this crap. Your son already idolizes him?
Heck no! What are you gonna do when your son gets in trouble at school for telling a girl in class she should get lip filler or lose weight?
And your spineless husband. Ya know why he says nothing?
Because he agrees with his brother. He probably wants you to get procedures done and wants you to be ‘hot’. I assume you’re beautiful regardless.
Your BIL straight up spewed ugly, disgusting misogyny and judgment all the over the place, and your husband is mad at YOU for shutting it down.
You REALLY ok with staying in this situation around these people OP?” Osabear92
Another User Comments:
“ESH. While your BIL was spewing some bs nonsense your went along continued the argument then yelled at your husband to do something when you egged on this argument.
If you really were concerned about what he was saying around your kid you should have excused them from the table than have you’re argument and kicked him out. Or changed the topic and spoke to him after dinner.
The yelling at your husband than having the kids get into the argument possibly isn’t what’s best for the kids.
Adding in husband is wrong at the end for defending his brother.” ImpossibleHand5086
7. AITJ For Calling My Pregnant Sister Stupid?
“So my sister is expecting her first child, which is great and our family has been supporting her throughout the whole thing. I’m kind of excited to be a aunt, but also nervous.
Background Info:
She’s an avid Disney fan and one of those Disney adults who tries to visit the park whenever she has the funds and time to and is planning on naming her child something Disney-related once she finds out the gender.
My sister is also interested in conspiracies and urban legends, this is where the problem comes from.
The problem:
My sister had a small family gathering and I was there, and she discussed her plan when it was time for her to give birth.
She believes in the myth that if you give birth in Disney Land, you or the baby will get an annual lifetime pass, and she also wants her kid to be one of the few babies born in the park.
She seemed firm on the idea, and I don’t know how my BIL feels about the whole thing as he usually just goes with her in things, but I kind of just bluntly told her she was stupid for even considering the whole thing and that it was just a myth, besides why would you wanna give birth in a theme park?
It’s full of screaming kids.
Details are foggy as this happened a week ago but she was mad at me and told me I was a horrible sister and future aunt, and my BIL forced me out of the house.
She told our parents, while disappointed at me for insulting her, told me I should’ve just told her nicely about the whole thing is fake.
I’m starting to feel bad as she’s my sister but she’s also a grown adult and risking her life and baby just for a theme park.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH – I agree 100% that your sister is stupid. The issue is, that you didn’t handle this well. Pointing out facts to anyone with a strong belief will not get them to change their view.
It’s like trying to convince someone in a cult that what they believe is bull crap…you will never change that.
However, this is not just about your sister, she can put her baby in harm’s way and even herself if there are complications.
Mickey Mouse will not be prepared to handle this situation.
I had to look up this myth because I couldn’t believe it myself:
As one former Disney employee recounts on the Laughing Place message board:
In another case, a woman who was in labor came TO Disneyland and hid in a bathroom and her husband came to first aid to tell them that his wife was in the bathroom in labor.
She would not come out because she had heard that you get a lifetime passport if your baby is born at Disneyland. Once they assured her that she would not be receiving a lifetime passport she came out and accepted the ambulance ride to Western Medical Center where her baby was born shortly thereafter.” ChewyRib
Another User Comments:
“I’m a little on the fence just due to your approach. Often it’s better to just explain to someone why their idea won’t work instead of jumping straight in with “You are so stupid,” which is guaranteed to make someone shut down and become defensive.
You can even say something like, “I get why you think that sounds fun, but it’s not true. In most cases, they would make sure an ambulance was called and have you taken to the hospital if there’s time.” Or you can ask her for details: where does she plan to spend her time laboring?
Does she think she’ll just lie on the grass and push? What if her labor lasts hours and the park closes for the night? What if there are complications?
Also, is it possible she was mostly joking?
I’ve joked like this about things I know can’t happen, only to have someone launch into a very serious and lengthy explanation as to why my “plan” won’t work, and it’s just frustrating.
NTJ though, ultimately.
If she’s at all serious, that is a stupid plan, and a dangerous one.” Eastern_Fox5735
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Just google it for her and your parents and BIL. It’s clear as day that it is an Urban Legend.
She can call and confirm that she is wrong.
She’d have better luck going to school and working her butt off and becoming a member of the board of directors or President of the USA, they get a Golden Pass.
Why, why, why would she put her pregnancy and unborn child at risk to have her baby in such a germ-infested place without proper medical personnel? That is the greater red flag than clinging to some fantasy about a free lifetime pass.
I don’t get people who don’t grow out of theme parks. Or people who believe urban legends and cannot/will not do their own research. Ugh.” Maybeidontknow99
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Your sister is stupid – she is putting her and her unborn child’s health in danger, and Disney will call an ambulance immediately.
That is a ridiculous ‘plan’; however, your approach is also ridiculous.
Yes, you are right, but if she is this avid of a Disney fan and firmly believes this conspiracy – your approach was not going to work, and telling her she is stupid (especially with pregnancy hormones) was doomed to fail and create a massive barrier.
Talk to her, calmly. Apologize for your approach, but explain that you are genuinely worried about the health of your sister and her child…and that, liability-wise, Disney will do everything in their power to ensure you are not on-site for the birth of a baby.
It’s not safe, it is not hygienic and you strongly encouraged her to have a proper birth plan.” Jaylloyd24
6. AITJ For Letting The Kids Trash The Kitchen?
“My wife got back from a trip to visit her sister last night right after eleven. We didn’t have a definite time we were expecting her back.
Last night the boys (16M & 10M) said they wanted to make dinner. Oldest likes to cook and the youngest likes to do whatever the oldest is doing, but my wife says them being in the kitchen gives her anxiety so always says no. But she wasn’t here, so I said to go for it.
Anyway, they made a TON of stuff, and didn’t really abide by “clean as you go.” They made a curry pizza (curry paste sauce and crispy tofu and chickpea toppings) and ramen burritos (burritos full of noodles, veggies and chicken).
For dessert, they made lime curd and mixed it with chocolate for a pudding like thing.
The kids had a ton of fun, took a bunch of pictures of the food, recorded a portion of the meal, etc…
By the time dinner was done, it was later than usual. I told youngest to get ready for bed while oldest and I cleaned up. We got to work, but the kitchen was super messy. Right before ten I told my son I would finish, so he went to get ready for bed.
I had some pots soaking, and I was gathering the trash when my wife walked in. 90% of the mess was gone, but what remained infuriated her. We’d already done the counters, the stove, the oven, all the appliances they’d used and I’d cleaned and put away all of the utensils and dishes.
All that was left was taking out the trash, finishing the pots, and mopping the floor. And I was waiting to do the floor until done with the pots because I didn’t want to walk on it after mopping it.
My wife told me I was irresponsible for letting the kids make that mess, regardless of if I was cleaning it. She said it stressed her out. She said she doesn’t like it when the boys are in the kitchen.
She grabbed a mop, and I asked her not to mop, because I needed to finish two things, and I wanted to clean the floor last. She started aggressively mopping and complaining about coming home to filth and not being able to trust me.
I asked her to stop three times, but she ignored me and kept talking over me. I told her she was clearly frustrated from her long drive and to go take a shower and just let me finish what I was doing.
She said to stop making things worse and get out of the kitchen. I said I used the kitchen for what it was for and to stop being nasty. She started telling me that I was a bad example for the boys.
I just wanted her out of the kitchen, so I dumped the trash on the floor. She stared at me, burst into tears, and then ran into our room. I picked up all the trash, threw it out, finished the pots and then mopped the floor.
When I got in bed, it was almost one AM, and my wife was asleep. When I woke up, she’d already left for the day. Kids had no clue about anything.
My thinking is, that if I clean it up, I should be allowed to make whatever mess I want.
It’s my house as much as hers. But, I do know about her anxiety. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Confession time: I have acted like the wife in this story just a few months ago. It was at 10:30 pm, after I had finally managed to get the small child to sleep, after I had been on childcare duty all afternoon since 4pm, after I had had a full day at work prior to that, after having woken up at 6am to start looking after the little-un for the morning…
I hadn’t eaten since mid-day, the kitchen was still dirty from my husband getting his dinner, and all I wanted was a square foot of counter space just to get me something to eat. I was done, I was absolutely sobbing, and the person I was at that time was not a rational person at all.
OP, as someone who’s been in those shoes, I can definitely say that sometimes there’s no winning. My husband did the exact right thing and gave me space to calm down, while at the same time letting me know that if I wanted help he absolutely would help.
Ultimately the cause of my not coping at that time was low b***d sugar and physical and mental exhaustion. You say that your wife had been to visit family? It sounds potentially like something about that day had left her drained. Especially if this level of meltdown is out of character (which it sounds like).
I think you need to talk with your wife about what happened that day to leave her so drained that she couldn’t act rationality. To be absolutely clear, the aim here is for your wife to understand that having wobbles like that isn’t acceptable and absolutely needs to be avoided for both of your sakes!
It’s not good for you or her. She does need to apologize to you, but even more importantly she needs to understand why it happened in the first place so she can put something in place to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
An apology without putting change into place is only half an apology.
On a separate note: it sounds like your kids had a great time! I love that they loved cooking and I really hope that, as a whole family, you can all find a way to foster this as a new hobby or something that you can all enjoy together.” first_i_of_infinity
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. these kids were learning and making memories. I have anxiety about similar situations and I’m sure at that moment, it was hard for her to hold back, and maybe other factors of her day contributed.
However, she still overreacted and has unrealistic expectations about the kitchen. She has to find a way to have a safe space like drink a nice cup of tea and read while they cook and you clean.
She absolutely should realize that there was nothing done wrong here. I know being able to control situations helps with anxiety but there are things she shouldn’t always have “control” over, like who uses the kitchen.
There are times where rules like that are absolutely unrealistic. Especially when using the kitchen in that way can only help your children be better adults and from the sound of it, explore their passion for cooking.
You should sit down and talk about this, and let her know that it’s not a realistic expectation that they don’t get to cook occasionally. Especially if they help clean up. You both got caught up in the moment, she let her anxiety get the better of her (happens to me a lot) but she can reflect and understand and maybe even apologize and you reacted with your own frustration and can apologize for that, although kind of justified. Just moving forward, communicate with each other about when they’re cooking.
Tell her to close her eyes and walk past while you clean up then ta-da everyone wins.” Raveaz
Another User Comments:
“Having read through the thread, you’re absolutely NTJ. Probably will get downvoted a bit for this, but even for the trash dumping.
Your wife knows she has at least one mental health issue, was on meds that were treating it, went off of her prescribed medications because she didn’t like the side effects when she could’ve brought it up to her prescribing doctor and tried a different medication to see if there was one that would help without side effects that she didn’t like, and then went and played the victim/martyr when you were very nearly done with cleaning and honestly didn’t need her assistance (didn’t need her assistance at any point in the cleanup process, sounds like).
And then says she “can’t trust you”, flat-out ignores you when you’re trying to de-escalate the situation, says you’re irresponsible for letting the boys cook, and talked over you when you were trying to get her to stop and go do something else.
Those are serious red flags, in my opinion.
I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), and I’m Autistic. Neither of those would excuse me behaving the way your wife did, and neither does her being tired from the drive home.
She’s got a major mental health issue that NEEDS to be addressed, first and foremost by her, and then also with a professional’s assistance.
Your sons are wickedly creative, btw. Keep encouraging them to cook, teach them to clean as they go, and teach them to properly handle their own mental health matters.” Dendinius
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Mom of three young adults here. How the heck did they all learn to cook? By cooking. By, yeah, making a mess until they learned how to clean as you go.
How’d your wife learn to cook?
By cooking.
How does ANYBODY learn to cook? You guessed it. Some people never figure out the clean-as-you-go method… and in my opinion, those are the people who don’t have to do the cleaning up afterward.
Having said that, I’m wondering a couple of things. Does your wife have a diagnosis of anxiety? (My brother and sister both have it, and so does my adult daughter. They all have different anxiety triggers; for example, my sister loses her complete crap over clutter and mess, and the other two can deal with it.) If so, is she worried about kitchen safety, or does a mess in a room that’s usually her workspace make her nuts?
If that’s the case, and everybody in your family knows that mess in the kitchen makes Mom so stressed that she loses her mind — and everybody knew that Mom was due back some time after dinner — I think you guys were probably aware that you were gonna push her buttons, and I’m also wondering why you didn’t insist on cleaning as the cooking progressed, so she wouldn’t suddenly walk in and be faced with a disaster.
Although it’s not a source of anxiety for me, I also really hate to come back to the house after time away and find it a mess. (It’s really not that hard to put the food trash in the trashcan and dishes in the sink/dishwasher.)
I’m glad that the boys cooked. I’m glad you were cleaning up. I’m super glad you all had a great time (I’ve had so much fun cooking with my kids!). Your wife did seem to have what I’d call an overreaction to the mess, but I’m guessing a couple of things here:
-
You knew she would overreact and you felt [slightly] guilty.
-
When she freaked out over the mess, your attitude might have been ‘SERIOUSLY CALM DOWN AND STOP YELLING I’M ALREADY CLEANING UP SO SHUT UP AND GET OUT SO I CAN FINISH, WOMAN’ rather than a gentle, reassuring, ‘Yeah, I know it’s a mess, but don’t worry.
I’m on it. Really, it’s okay. We all had a great time, and by the time I go to bed this place will be spotless. How was your visit?’
Yeah, she flew off the handle and behaved like TJ.
You were NTJ. But if this is a regular I CANNOT HANDLE MESS IN THE KITCHEN freak-out, it may be that she really has significant anxiety. Which means that #1, she needs to be addressing it with her doctor(s), getting appropriate meds and/or counseling, and #2, as long as she is addressing her anxiety, you and your kids try your best not to trigger her (by which I mean, by all means let them cook, but try to keep the kitchen moderately clean).
It can be really tough to live with people who have anxiety. If you love her, can you help her learn to deal with it?” Malsnano86
From the sounds of things, she wasn't just "drained from visiting family and the drive home", because she doesn't allow the boys in the kitchen even when she IS there.
She actively discourages her oldest son from cooking, though she knows he loves it.
There was absolutely nothing wrong with OP allowing the boys to do something they loved.
Besides, it's not like they left the mess behind and said "mom can take care of it when she gets home", they were actively cleaning it up and had it mostly done when she showed up.
She needs to get a grip.
5. AITJ For Not Buying My Cousin Any Gifts On Her Birthday?
“I (26f) always buy gifts for my nephew and nieces (cousin’s children from dad’s side).
I’m particularly close to one cousin from my dad’s side. He (35m) was the only one who routinely sent me custom handwritten/hand-drawn birthday cards as I grew up. Even when he was studying and living abroad for 7 years, the birthday card always came right on my birthday via postman up until I turned 22.
Now, he’s still the only cousin who wishes me Happy Birthday yearly. Admittedly, my dad helped raise him since they used to all live in the same house, and even with the big age gap, I remember being close to him when I was a kid before he went abroad.
Recently, my mom asked why I always buy gifts for his kids’ birthdays (3 yo and 2 yo), when I never had the intention to buy gifts for my 9 yo cousin from my mother’s side. My aunt had an accident baby when I was only 17 and she wasn’t ready to be a single mother at all.
My mom had to pay her hospital bills, house bills, even the baby essentials. I’m not gonna lie, I don’t like my mom’s younger siblings. They’re all in their late 30s and my mom still supports them financially cause none of them are responsible adults, my aunt included. Said aunt (38f) also recently, had the audacity of asking my mom if she could move to MY PARENTS’ empty apartment unit, RENT FREE, because she doesn’t wanna live in the same house as my jobless uncle (mom’s younger brother) anymore.
That apartment is my parents’ old age investment. It was bought by my dad’s pension fund that even I, never even asked to move in there.
The past 9 years, my mom routinely told me that I should help my cousin when she’s no longer around.
She keeps telling me that I should love my cousin and pity her cause she’d grow up without a father. She bought her phones, laptops, clothes, etc. I accidentally heard one time when they vid called each other that my cousin blatantly said she knows if my aunt can’t buy her something, she can just ask my mom.
She called my aunt “mom”, but called my mom “mommy.” I know she’s just a kid and probably my aunt taught her to ask my mom when she wants something. I also started to see some of my aunt’s traits in my cousin lately.
How dependent she is on my mom. During the viral respiratory illness, school closed down and they had to do zoom class from home. This girl, called my mom in the middle of her test and asked if she knew the answer to some questions, and my mom freakin Googled the answer.
I was so ticked off. My mom never once wanted to help me with my projects when I was in school, and now she’s Googling stuff for my cousin??
I know she doesn’t have a dad, but I’m not close with her.
I probably see her once or twice a year. On top of that, I dislike her mother very much. My mom expects me to buy her gifts for her birthdays from now on. I don’t want to.
She calls me heartless for doing that to a fatherless kid, a kid who’s still a family. AITA here? I mean.. She is still a kid.
P.S. I never buy gifts for any cousins from dad’s side either.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not obligated to have a relationship with anyone. We form bonds with the people we form bonds with and that’s okay.
That said, your mom is obviously bonded to this kiddo and her siblings.
You can absolutely voice concerns about your mom/parents being taken advantage of, but ultimately what they do with those concerns is out of your control. Voice it, drop it, and make your own boundaries clear.
If they don’t respect those boundaries, you get to decide how to handle that.
As a gentle side note: only you are in a position to evaluate whether your concern is based on mom being taken advantage of, jealousy, or a combination of those things.
You’re human, and WNBTA if there was some jealousy/resentment mixed in there, but if there is, again, you get to decide how to deal with that and whether that plays a role in your being reluctant to have a relationship with this kid.” JPook1984
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Like send in another post buy her petty stuff like books on how to start a business, get a job, fulfill school, get a degree, stay healthy, maybe some books on how to not be a beggar.
Or buy her those little shampoo kids you find at a dollar store, easy and something I would actually regard as an insult.” gamemamawarlock
4. WIBTJ If I Ask For A Wedding Gift To Be Returned?
“I (36M) have two friends, Bernie (39M) and Gemmy (36F).
I have known Bernie since I was a teenager, and for a long time he was in my closest circles. He and I have not been close for the last few years, if that matters. Bernie and Gemmy had to postpone their 2020 wedding ceremony due to the viral respiratory illness, and rescheduled for April 2022, two months ago.
In 2021, they had a courthouse wedding, so the ceremony this year was just for fun.
Allegedly, there was big drama the night of the rehearsal, and there was a ton of uncertainty on the wedding day.
The tension was palpable at the reception, and it was all we could to party hard in support of them.
For the wedding gift, my wife and I put a few hundred dollars into the honeymoon fund.
Bernie has not had too many opportunities to travel, so I thought this was a great way to show love.
Last week, I learned that Bernie and Gemmy filed for divorce about a month after the wedding.
While I am saddened for my friend, I feel it is for the best. Their relationship had flaws from the beginning, and I have never been especially fond of Gemmy. Many of the relationship issues stem from Bernie, to be fair.
Gemmy is the more responsible of the two, and I am certain she managed all of the registry information. They also lived in a home, which she owns, and he has now vacated. I do not believe he would have had access to the wedding money, or wedding gifts.
I want to ask Gemmy for the funds back. I think it is simple etiquette to return the wedding gifts if you separate within a month of the “wedding.” Enough time has passed since the divorce for me to assume the honeymoon funds are not being returned. My wife thinks I should let it lie.
We had a great time at the wedding, enjoyed a nice weekend away, and we are not in desperate need of the funds. All of these are valid points, but I am struggling to let it go.
Some deeper back-story, Bernie and Gemmy bailed on my wedding the night before. I received a text from Bernie as I walked into our rehearsal dinner, and I was infuriated. He did have a semi-acceptable reason for why he could not come, but the following weekend he was tagged online at another wedding.
The excuse he gave me should have carried over to this other wedding, so it did not really hold up. He also bailed on my bachelor party for flimsy reasons, and I covered his portion of the Airbnb.
My wife and I originally RSVP’d no to the 2020 wedding, but after some time, Bernie and I buried the hatchet, and I was happy to be present at his 2022 wedding.
I know that I am being petty, but every time I think about this, it ticks me off.
How much should I have to sink into their relationship? I do not care if it is inappropriate to ask for the gift back. I do not care if it causes harm to a future friendship with Gemmy if they get back together.
I think the right thing for them to do is return the gifts anyway.
I am open to suggestions on how to best handle the request.
WIBTJ if I ask for the wedding gift back?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Regardless of whether it’s reasonable for you to think you should get the back, or whether it’s even possible given that you chose to put it toward a notoriously difficult to refund thing, it has been a week.
You may think this is not all that surprising an outcome (although that does raise the question of why you would go all-in on your contribution) and may in fact turn out to be a good thing in the end, but I doubt they feel the same.
Give them a chance to mourn the end of the relationship and sort through whatever legalities they need to sort through before you pipe up with ‘So about how the implosion of your marriage is affecting me…'” mm172
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ.
I get your frustration, I really do. I’ve known more than one couple who married and were divorced before their first anniversary. It sucks.
However, a gift is a gift and those are no-strings-attached things.
Should you find yourself doubting the longevity of another couple, remember that the rules of etiquette state that you have up to a year after the wedding to send a gift so it’s not necessary that you contribute day-of if you’ve got serious reservations about the marriage making it.” MiskatonicUAlum
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. Don’t ask for the honeymoon funds back. It looks like you’re finding a way to be petty. I understand why you would be upset about them bailing on the wedding and bachelor party.
But that’s on them. It’s sad that they divorced only a month after being married. But it is what it is. Don’t ask for the back, because it’s going to cause drama. And you’re probably feeling like you’re owed something for the prior wedding bail-out/air b&b situation.
Plus they were only married a month. Life’s too short to worry over little things like this. Move on and enjoy life. Best of luck to them.” CompetitiveSea513
3. AITJ For Taking My Partner On A Trip Instead Of My Friend?
“I’ve (25F) been close friends with Winnie (25F) for years. She has had several partners in the time I’ve known her, while I was single up until I started seeing Michael (28M) last fall.
It’s caused tension and distance in our friendship, because even though she hadn’t said it, I know she hasn’t liked Michael from the beginning. It especially irritates me because I’ve gotten well acquainted with her partners but she never gave him a chance, and all but refuses to be around him.
Anyways, I got cut out of our Memorial Day plans this year. We both love summer and make a point to celebrate on Memorial weekend every year since we’ve been friends. This year we agreed I would take a vacation day for her birthday in March, which I already did, and she would take one for our plans as she normally works weekends.
We decided to make it a group thing this year, with Michael, her partner David, and two of his friends. She texted me two weeks before Memorial Day that they had planned on a Friday I had to work, because that’s what worked for the group.
We had an argument over text for days that ended with her admitting that she didn’t want Michael there. So she purposely planned on a day I worked to “avoid any drama.”
We’ve barely spoken since then.
We had been planning for a few months to go to the beach at the beginning of July, but given the circumstances, I asked Michael to go with me instead. I had already booked a room and Winnie was supposed to cover gas and food, so she isn’t out any money.
She texted me yesterday complaining about something and then mentioned how badly she needed that vacation. That’s when I told her I was taking Michael. She blew up at me and asked when I was going to tell her.
I got petty and said “I didn’t plan on it, y’know, to avoid any drama.”
She stopped responding then. The whole situation has made me so angry I’m not sure if I’m being TJ here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She should have already come to you and told you whatever it is that she has against your partner, instead of going about it the way that she did. What you did was a little petty but you get what you give and you gave it right back to her.” Gabby_Abby
Another User Comments:
“ESH. She was a jerk about Memorial Day, you met her pettiness with your own when you excluded her from the beach trip without mentioning it Sometimes, friendships run their course, and it sounds like that is what has happened to the two of you.” katsmeow44
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would have done the same thing.
But… why does she hate someone she doesn’t even know? What’s her issue with the one partner you had over the years?” OsaBear92
2. AITJ For Wanting To Be In My Best Friend's Wedding?
“I’m very torn on this and fully accept that I might be the jerk.
My wife was bullied in high school by a girl named “Molly” I’d say the bullying was like a cliché out of a bad 2000s movie, so think mean girl stuff meant to undermine her confidence and a few pranks thrown in.
This has greatly affected my wife’s self-esteem.
After graduation, Molly went to school across the country and no one saw her again. She moved back two years ago (both of them were about 30 at the time) and she began seeing my best friend “Ian” Ian didn’t know about any of this and brought Molly to our house for a cookout, which was massively awkward.
My wife ended up screaming at Molly on sight, pouring a milkshake on her chest, and kicking her out. Ian said some nasty things and we didn’t talk for a while.
My wife later agreed to sit down and talk it out.
Molly apologized. It seemed sincere, but I believe that my wife is under no obligation to accept, and she didn’t. Ian forbid Molly from apologizing again, blamed all of her bad behavior on her parents (who are bat insane, but come on she was a teenager not a child).
Ian and I continued being friends, and just keep my wife and Molly apart as much as possible. My wife is struggling, because her parents always told her that Molly’s life was going to suck or she was going to peak in high school, and that didn’t happen, so my wife has some resentment there.
The issue is they are currently planning a wedding and Ian wants me to be the best man. I didn’t think anything of it and accepted (I don’t expect my wife to go if she doesn’t want to) my wife is upset and feels that I should turn it down and not publicly support this marriage.
She says while she is ok with me maintaining the friendship, she thinks Ian is a crappy person for even wanting to marry Molly and that it would be wrong to support it. Ian found out about this and is angry and said my wife needs to get over high school and is just jealous because Molly has more than her.
I really don’t know if I’m a jerk for still wanting to be the best man. I just feel my role is to support him, not the bride.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry to have to say this to you, because I understand how important best friends can be, but do you remember the vows you took the day you married your wife?
You’re supposed to put her first. Clearly what happened between her and Molly was traumatizing for her. Plenty of people don’t “get over” trauma they went through in high school or even younger than that. I’m still not over the trauma I received in foster care when I was younger than 5 years old!
I’ve received therapy for it, and I’ve learned to cope with it, but I doubt I’ll ever be “over it” for as long as I live. And I’m in my 40s now.
I think you and your wife need to go to marriage counseling and address this with a licensed therapist. I think you have a duty to stand with your wife and to politely decline Ian’s request to have you in his wedding party if it’s happening in the near future because it’s harmful to your wife’s mental health.
He may not understand it but maybe if you explain it to him as: “The wedding vows you take are important. I fully expect you to place Molly above our friendship and I have to do the same for my wife.
We can be friends but I can’t celebrate an event for my wife’s childhood bully. I am talking to my wife about therapy so that she can try and cope with the trauma that came from the bullying of Molly but my wife’s feelings are valid.
I don’t mind hanging out with you and staying friends with you and I’m sorry I can’t support you on your big day, but I’m not going to create a rift in my marriage to attend your wedding.”
And let the chips fall where they may. This might be a friendship that has to die in order for your marriage to survive unless you have some time and can come to some sort of agreement with your wife for her to be okay with you being in Ian’s wedding party.
If it’s REALLY important for you to attend your friend’s wedding, you may have to make a deal with your wife. I don’t want to call it bribing…maybe call it negotiating. What can you give her to get her to give her blessing for you to be part of Ian’s wedding party?
A special vacation to her favorite place? A day at the spa on the day of the wedding? Think about what your wife might like and offer to give it to her if she’ll only agree to you being part of the wedding without it hurting your marriage.
Maybe she’ll be okay with you attending but not being part of the wedding party? (being part of the groom’s party may mean other obligations besides the wedding day remember)
You really should have had a discussion with your wife before agreeing.
Honor your own wedding vows instead of placing Ian’s and Molly’s above the ones you made with your wife.
YTJ.” jammy913
Another User Comments:
“I will probably get down-voted to heck for this, but… YTJ. Everything I’m reading here, you have basically chosen to downplay your wife’s bullying experiences.
Not to mention, you place a priority on your friends over your wife.
Let me explain:
Your wife says she was bullied, and you say it was, how did you say it? “the bullying was like a cliché out of a bad 2000s movie, so think mean girl stuff meant to undermine her confidence and a few pranks thrown in.
This has greatly affected my wife’s self-esteem.”
I suffered bullying; therapy is on my purchase list once I have the funds for it. You need to consider if she is downplaying it for YOUR sake and HER sake.
Not every victim wants their suffering to be known in detail and the center of attention. People know of my anger, but not the details of what I suffered.
Yet, knowing all this, you are STILL friends with partner and now fiancée of her bully.
What the heck? You know this other person has been an absolute emotional monster to your WIFE. And STILL. You want to be in their social circle?? Good lord man. I would have dropped them all like a pile of steaming crap until my wife was willing to talk with them.
But what really clinches the fact that you are indeed, The Jerk?
Your last few statements:
‘She thinks Ian is a crappy person for even wanting to marry Molly and that it would be wrong to support it.
Ian found out about this and is angry and said my wife needs to get over high school and is just jealous because Molly has more than her. I really don’t know if I’m a jerk for still wanting to be the best man.
I just feel my role is to support him, not the bride.’
Your supposed FRIEND just basically called your wife an attention-seeking brat, that her bullying was “not that bad” basically, and is being a jealous crap.
AND STILL, you want to go and be his best man? I love how you and many of the commenters here love just disregarding this insult.
And did you not notice the side-insult he threw at you??
Molly is getting married, to your supposed friend. Thus, she has more than your WIFE. Ian has put himself as more valuable and a better man than you.
AND STILL, you want to be his best man.
Whose side are you on??
Ian? Or your wife’s??
Right now, I’m seeing a husband who doesn’t give a darn about his wife’s emotional distress, cares more for a friend over his wife, and cannot see the pain he causes.
(Or maybe you do, and you just don’t care.)
This isn’t your wife being a toxic or controlling person either, since she did not try to prevent your friendship with Ian from the start. There’s PLENTY of stories on this sub-reddit of toxic spouses dictating who their spouses can or cannot interact with.
This is NOT your wife. She could have made demands, but didn’t. Not before, and this is the first.
You have a choice here, you go support Ian, or you support your wife. It’s a either/or choice.
You support Ian, it’s a message to the wife that you don’t care about the pain and suffering she endured, nor the scars it left upon her.
You support your wife, it’s a message to Ian you disagree she should just “get over it” and “stop being jealous”.
If you agree with Ian though, do yourself and your wife a favor and go for a separation or even divorce. Seriously.” Educational_Cup9850
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Your wife was traumatized by a person and you know this has had a lasting effect on her.
You promised to support her and out her first.
Standing up at this woman’s wedding and giving speeches about how awesome she is and how great her relationship is would be betraying your wife. I know it’s your best friend’s wedding.
But your best friend is marrying the person who mistreated your wife. And it would be impossible for you to support your best friend here without also supporting the person who has most hurt your wife, and therefore also hurting your wife.
Molly isn’t sorry, she just wants to pretend it is over and move on. Your buddy also doesn’t care what happened in the past, he wants to brush it under the carpet because it makes him uncomfortable to know that his wife was a really crappy person for a while.
That is his motivation. They are just trying to make life easier for themselves now. I’m really sorry that your best friend is marrying your wife’s bully. It sucks but you can’t change that. You can only choose whether you take your wife’s side and protect her, or you let Molly bully your wife through you by letting her become a bone of contention in your marriage.
The bottom line is that you swore to support your wife above all others. This is exactly the kind of thing it was referring to. Anyone can support their partner when it is easy. But can you support her now that she is hurting and make it clear that you don’t condone the mistreatment that happened to her?
Can you reassure her that her pain is real and valid without minimizing what happened?” linerva
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
How old are all of you?
People can definitely change. You probably aren’t the same person you were in high school or even college.
It sounds like Molly lived in an unstable household and took it out on your wife. That does not excuse Molly’s actions but I think it’s important to recognize that kids (and yes teens are still kids) with no control over their home lives try to exert control in other places.
Your wife needs to get some therapy to help her deal with the trauma she has experienced. She doesn’t need to accept Molly’s apology, but it sounds like your wife is stressing out that Molly’s life isn’t in shambles.
She’s holding onto hate for Molly that at this point doesn’t seem fair or deserved. Molly and your wife were kids. Again she doesn’t need to accept an apology but move on and stop fixating on hoping Molly flops.
You are the jerk because you let Ian degrade your wife. You want to be the best man to a guy that actively seems to talk crap about your wife.
Your wife needs some therapy and you need to stand up and set some boundaries with Ian.” Carly216
1. AITJ For Telling Off My Mother In Law?
“My (23M) now wife, Jane (22F) and I got married a few weeks ago.
Jane’s relationship with her parents isn’t the greatest, she has told me stories of what it was like being raised by her parents.
From what Jane has told me, there were numerous times that MIL Mary would tell Jane to do abnormal things like rubbing Mary’s feet because “I’ve been on my feet all day and I’m your mother.” Also, when Jane got her first period, she told Mary and asked that she wouldn’t tell her dad (I think Jane felt that her dad would treat her differently or be uncomfortable around her) and Mary then used it as a way to manipulate Jane into again, rubbing her feet, massaging her back, doing chores like dishes, etc. Mary did eventually tell FIL Lary too.
There are more stories but from these, I have concluded that Jane was emotionally mistreated and Mary is a narcissist.
There was also some financial mistreatment where Mary would steal several hundred dollars of 10-year-old Jane’s savings and when Jane realized and confronted Mary, she says, “Well, you eat the food too” and claimed it was spent on groceries.
Back to the current day. The night before the wedding during the dinner rehearsal, we set up the reception hall. Mary noticed that a picture she provided Jane of a deceased family member (that Jane didn’t know) was missing from the remembrance table.
(it was simply misplaced) She pulled Jane aside and confronted her, asking her, “Why are you such a bad daughter” and “why don’t you love me?”After this, I found Jane crying in the corner of the reception hall.
Because of this, Jane’s bridesmaids planned on not leaving Jane alone with Mary at all on the wedding day. When Mary came to the church at 12:30 (the time we scheduled for pictures to start), she went downstairs to the dressing room and just sits there.
A little while later,we sent someone down to make sure she was ready for the zipping the dress and pinning the veil. She wasn’t ready and neither was Mary’s mom. So they started to get dressed. A while later we sent someone else down and this time Mary’s mom was able to come up to put the pearls around Jane’s neck.
We were already behind on a very expensive photographer and needed to leave for the first look. My parents took me and Lary took Jane. The rest of the night goes great. We were very happy with the turnout and had a great time.
Now Mary is sending texts to everyone about how she wasn’t included in anything and didn’t do veil or dress zipping pictures and that Jane maliciously left her out because Jane hates Mary. In fact, Mary just texted us a little bit ago saying how she “almost had a heart attack” because she is so hurt and that they helped pay for the wedding and will be “sending us a bill for their expenses because it was obvious they weren’t welcome.”
My parents provided $5,000 and her parents provided around $4000. And we are very grateful for both contributions.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can pretty much guarantee that most people reading Mary’s texts are rolling their eyes about her martyrdom.
She’s a toxic N (narcissist) mom. My mom used to steal take my Christmas and birthday gifts too.
Try and minimize contact with her as she will always make it all about her and what a victim she is.
Parents like this are bottomless pits of victimhood and their children just never appreciate them or do enough.
I would preempt her bill with a very civil thank you letter for the money. The more polite you are the worse she will look.
Congratulations on your wedding!” Fluffypuppyzone
Another User Comments:
“If you word it like that then yes, ESH. (But I want to stress not all jerks are made equal, and Mary would be quite a few levels of jerk above you).
NTJ If you send a brief response when the bill arrives that the donation was not stipulated to have conditions, whilst putting in writing that it was in fact Mary that did not follow the schedule which was the sole factor, ultimately meaning Mary refused to participate.
You just want to write down the narrative but also draw a line under it, after that if it goes legal, Mary will have to try prove that the donation was conditional and that you guys broke the conditions.
Just remember that life has to go on after this situation, and your wife likely being a victim of mistreatment of Mary, is like you receiving continued and possible escalated mistreatment if the situation turns nastier.” caniplayalso
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and all of you stop talking to this woman. The was a gift and if you never speak to her again she can’t hold anything over you or continue to torment you.
Every time you guys message her back, you are giving her another hit of dopamine and possible evidence if she goes off the deep end enough to try to take you to court for the money.
Make NO concessions to her and do not talk to her anymore, EVER. The only way to win with a narc is no contact.” PrincessWordSalad
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ-ish, though she would deserve that phrasing and a WHOLE LOT more, emotions are running high around a wedding, even for a psycho like your MIL.
I would definitely rephrase your request to be civil, especially if it’s over text so it cannot be shared with everyone. The more you look like Prince Charming in this situation, the more Evil Queen she will look.” PheonixReboot-
