People Want Us To Point Out Their Wrongdoings In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. WIBTJ If I Asked My Flatmate Not To Invite Her Friend Over Again?
“My flatmate threw a party yesterday and invited a lot of friends over.
They were drinking and being noisy and I honestly didn’t mind because we’re in college, this is normal. Let them have fun, right? Things started getting annoying around 10 pm when the people at the party needed to use the washroom.
My flatmate’s toilet was out of order and was going to be fixed in a few days, so she started bringing people to my room. I didn’t mind when it was 2 or 3 people, but every 10 minutes, someone would come and use it.
One girl came at least 10 times and used it every 5 minutes. I wanted to sleep around 12 but the party was still going on and people just kept coming in. I didn’t want to stop them because I didn’t want to be inconsiderate.
But it crossed the line when one of the guys threw up in my washroom.
To his credit, he cleaned up after himself. He wet his shirt in the process. When he walked out, he went to my room’s door, then locked it.
Only the both of us were in the room and I stared at him. He said he didn’t want to ruin his white shirt and he wanted to iron it. He wanted to take his shirt off and wanted to borrow my iron and use it right there.
I said no. He was super wasted, and I was very creeped out because he’d locked the door. But he left.
He came back in 20 mins and stood at the door and said he hoped everything was alright between us.
I don’t even know who he is, I don’t even know his name. I’ve seen him around but that’s it. My flatmate noticed him and dragged him away thankfully. But I was very creeped out. People kept coming in till 2 am but at 2 I locked my door and said they can go pee in the street if they had to, and that I was going to sleep.
I don’t understand how people can pee that much.
I feel weird every time I think about the dude who came into my room and locked it, it’s weird, right? Would I be the jerk if I asked her to not bring him over ever again?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like he was ultimately harmless since he left without doing anything, but you have a right to be comfortable in your own room. And what he did was definitely weird. Frankly, you were way, way more accommodating of this party than any roommate could reasonably expect.
Had it been me as the roommate, they’d have been peeing in the street way earlier. Your roommate would have to be pretty horrible to be anything but gracious about the request all things considered. And it doesn’t sound like this guy is a close friend of theirs or anything.” MGDarion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – locking the door to iron his wet shirt is completely illogical. He went and locked the door for a malicious reason. Thankfully nothing else happened but yes you should tell your friend that he’s not welcome and you should inform someone of what happened whether that be an RA or someone at your college who handles off-campus living incidents.
Let them know he’s a creep and he isn’t welcome at your flat.” omarade2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Any strange man who locked a door on me while wasted would have me in a full-out panic and prepared to throw him out my window.
Your roommate is the jerk. Tell her to fix her toilet and lock your door first next time. That could have very easily been a dangerous situation for you.” BogwitchOfTheBog
20. WIBTJ If I Don't Let My Mom Visit My Newborn Baby Right Away?
“My wife (34) and I (40 something) have set an induction date for our 2nd girl on May 1st of this year. My wife, who is a serious planner, sent out a text to close family members letting them know our plans for having the baby and subsequent visitation.
She planned a small baby meeting event (just close family members) a week after the baby will be born for everyone to meet the baby. Everyone was fine with this meeting except for my mom. She apparently called my sister crying and upset that she felt like she was being excluded and lumped in with the ‘regular’ family members.
She feels that she should be able to come to the hospital and be the first to meet the baby since she is the grandmother. (I know all of this because I spoke to my sister who expressed her support for my mother’s seniority through texts.
Which only validated my mother’s perspective even more. So I called my sister to ask her why she decided to ‘stir the pot’ and take sides against my wife.)
My mom comes from a family background where they followed traditional rituals and hierarchies, and it’s customary to have the matriarchs be recognized when there is a big life-changing event.
My wife has expressed that she wanted the birth of our child to be an intimate affair and did not want to have other family members there, just her and myself.
We do rely on my mom to babysit occasionally as we work from home and sometimes need to have her watch our 4yr old while we get work done.
My mom will occasionally make our food or offer leftovers as she knows we are usually inundated with running our own business. So, my mom does help us out when we need her to.
But my wife and I feel she’s blowing this way out of proportion.
On top of this additional stress that my mom has decided to cause, my wife is still trying to process the recent loss of her mother in 2021, and how her mom won’t be there at all to meet our new daughter.
My sister says we should just******* and compromise and understand that my mom is old school. Also that this could change the relationship between my mother and my family.
My mom’s response to my wife’s text was ‘I am disappointed that I have to wait to meet the baby.’ But knows that we know how upset she is.
My wife is now conflicted but wants to stick to her guns and keep the birth an intimate occasion.
I just want to know why this is such a huge deal with my mom (and apparently my sister).
I back my wife 100%, but want to know if we WBTJ(s) in this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife’s needs during the postpartum period should be a priority, and she’s already decided what she needs is a week to start her recovery and time for you to bond as a family.
Your mum is being really unfair and selfish, by making this about her and pretending that taking a week to yourselves is some sort of personal attack.
You need to stick to your boundaries here, it’s what your wife and baby need.” InsomniacEnglish
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom is being selfish. It rubs me the wrong way that she said she wasn’t a regular part of the family cause she is the grandmother.
Was that a dig at your MIL’s passing?
Either way, she is making the birth of your kid about her. Prioritizing her wants and needs over your wife who would have just given birth.
Don’t give in, your mom can wait a week, and if she can’t respect that then she can wait a month.” McflyThrowaway01
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As you already have a child, you know that the childbirth process is about the mother only. She is gonna go through so much – pain, trauma, worry, embarrassment, pooping in front of you! And so may medical things go wrong still in childbirth (sorry).
Caring about her MIL’s feelings should not be on that list.
And you say she cares for your other child, as though that’s something she can hold over you to get her way. No.” Original-Winter9334
19. AITJ For Wanting To Drink At My Wedding?
“I (F28) have a best friend who we’ll call T (NB27). T does not drink but until recently had no problem being around people who were drinking.
When my fiancé proposed to me I asked T to be my mate of honor and they accepted. A few months later T asked my fiancé and me for a ride to a music event at a club (T does not like driving however they do have a license and their own car) and we agreed to join them.
I openly admit that I had more to drink than I should have but it was my first night out since 2020 and I got carried away. T said they weren’t comfortable with me driving home and I offered to call an Uber.
They refused and wound up driving my car back home. I apologized for getting carried away the next morning and they said it was fine.
Several weeks later I was celebrating my birthday. I got off work early, bought a bottle of wine and supplies for a charcuterie board, and went home to watch Lord of the Rings.
T was in the main room and we talked a bit about the wedding as I drank half the bottle and fell asleep on the couch. When I got home from rehearsal later that evening, T asked if we could talk.
I was exhausted so I asked if it could wait until later. They said they couldn’t wait and told me that they were no longer comfortable being around me when I drank.
I was confused and asked what had prompted their decision.
T brought up the night at the club and said that they felt my fiancé and I had disrespected them by acting too ‘couple-y’ and that because of T’s disability (they occasionally use a cane) we should have been focused more on their comfort.
T said when I drank earlier that day I became very self-centered and they felt like I wasn’t listening to them. They also implied that being around me when I was drinking made them feel like they might start drinking again but I may be reading too much into it.
I was angry that they felt this conversation couldn’t have waited, tempers escalated, we both shouted and T stormed off to their room. I sent a text apologizing for losing my temper the next day and T sent one back apologizing for losing their temper.
Despite living in the same house T and I haven’t really talked since. I’m not sure how to handle being around them now, especially in regards to the wedding. I enjoy drinking socially and was looking forward to having champagne while wedding dress shopping, a fun bachelorette party, and of course I intend to drink at my wedding.
I brought up drinking at the wedding to T during the initial confrontation and they said they would be comfortable with me having 3 drinks. I understand why T doesn’t drink but I’m frustrated that they are trying to control my behavior on my wedding day.
On the other hand, I’m not sure I’m comfortable being around them when I’m drinking because I’ll feel like I’m being judged and that will put me in a bad headspace. Am I in the wrong for feeling frustrated and upset about this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend is being pretty selfish and overly dramatic. Everyone has their struggles and challenges, but that doesn’t mean you need to bend to their desires because they’ve convinced themselves their self-righteousness is a legitimate effort to ‘help’ you.
It’s one thing to be courteous and accommodating; it’s another to be manipulated because the other person has absolutely zero personal resilience.” geedunkgeek
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and T, I’m sorry, isn’t a good fit for your mate of honor.
OP this is once in a lifetime (ok maybe more for the cynics out there) event for you and you should celebrate as you wish. You shouldn’t have to be worrying about others. They should be supporting you and not making it about them.
I hope you have a wonderful celebration and nuptials. Please give us an update.” Plus-Weakness-6863
18. AITJ For Getting Angry With My Family For Comparing Me To My Cousin?
“In my family, people are always being compared to other people. I’m no different. I love playing games and building stuff like model kits, stuff that is considered useless by my family and actively scolds me for being on it for more than 2 hours when I could be using that time to study.
While I know I’m not the best at education, I still prioritize my education first. A lot of my time playing games is only when I’m free on the weekends or for a few hours at night when I want to destress from the day.
I can speak Cantonese even though I make mistakes a lot which my family keeps saying.
Now my cousin. A straight-A and B student that I always get compared to. She helps the family a lot. She is seen as a perfect child that I always get compared to.
I know I have my mistakes but I’m so tired of being compared. All my 18 years of life, I’ve been compared to her. As a kid, my math sucked, and I got low grades while she always would get high grades.
She speaks both Cantonese and Mandarin. All these points are what are being used to compare us. ‘Look at your cousin and her grades’, ‘you’re Chinese and can barely speak it, how embarrassing is that?’, ‘you look like you half-mean everything’, etc.
Stuff like this is what’s being said and I hate it. I try my best but I just want to live my life without having achievements being constantly belittled.
The other day, I went to sleep late since I had an assignment due.
I worked extremely hard since it was a big project. I was sleeping when around 2 pm, my grandma busted open my room and yelled at me for being so lazy. My cousin had woken up early and gone to the gym and went to work while I just slept all day.
At night, I decided to play some Elden Ring after I finished my homework around 9 pm. Around 11 I come out of my room to get some water when I got compared to my cousin again for always being in my room and playing video games like I don’t even care about school anymore unlike my cousin who got straight A’s and B’s again.
This time I got mad. For the first time in my life, I had gotten A’s and B’s myself. I had a whole month of homework and assignments that I worked on and I had only about 7 hrs on Elden Ring, a game I pre-ordered. I hadn’t even played that much.
So I got annoyed and started yelling at them. I stated that I’m not my cousin, I’m me. I have my own achievements that they don’t even look at. They all looked at me shocked but after a moment of silence, they yelled at me for being ungrateful and that they only mean well.
I was done listening to their talking and locked myself in my room. Now that I’ve calmed down and thought about it, I feel like I might be the jerk. While they might not sound like it to people on the outside, they do mean well.
It’s just that they have a different way of expressing it. I do love my family since they do love me. It’s just that I hate this one part.
So tell me, people. AITJ? Don’t hold back if I am.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ or maybe just a wee bit for the yelling. My parents didn’t do this to us. My Aunt, on the other hand, compared her kids unfavorably with us and did the same thing with the grandchildren.
Drove us nuts. It finally stopped, but it took many of us many times before she stopped. Oh and she wonders why the one kid barely speaks to her now and the other lives too far away to visit very often.” Odd_Transition222
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Now that you’ve finally stood up for yourself, don’t back down. Be cordial to everyone while making it clear that you’re done with their style of ‘meaning well.'” kol_al
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents are so toxic for comparing you like that.
I’d imagine it feels horrible. Hopefully, they wake up and stop doing that. You’re not a jerk for standing up for yourself.” DatWeirdo04
17. AITJ For Angering My Mom?
“It starts off when I go to my (16M) dad’s (52) store to let my mom (45) go home after work. When I got there, I saw my mom and dad chit-chatting about random stuff.
As my mom was about to leave, as well as my dad, he asked us if we were willing to go to a restaurant on Friday, (this talk took place on Thursday) and I said sure, since we haven’t been anywhere in a while.
My mom though, said ‘you are asking us if we want to go somewhere, after 1 year! You never remember about us, and never take us out anywhere. You taking us out this one time doesn’t mean anything. You are always busy, and never have time for your family!’ Which is true, he is really busy, and we hardly do anything together as a family.
We never eat dinner as a family, do activities as a family, or talk as a family. Which is partly my fault, not gonna lie. I don’t hang out with my family a lot, because I like to keep to myself.
But anyway, when my mom said that, I was actually shocked because she did sometimes tell me that I should ask my dad to take us somewhere. I never asked though because, during those times, we were very low-staffed. My mom then says ‘look at OP’s best friend!
His family is always going somewhere once every week.’ When she said this, I was actually pretty mad, why is she comparing my best friend’s family to ours? Their parents are way different from mine, and their lifestyle is much different from ours.
I mean, both of our families live in comfort, but they are living a lot more fun life.
I was annoyed because she was comparing 1 family to another, which is just wrong. She looked at me and said ‘right?’ I just looked at her and said ‘I don’t know??’ And then she’s just like ‘what do you mean you don’t know, you are his best friend.
You’re telling me you don’t know what he does?’ I actually do know what he does, and where he goes, I chose not to answer because this has no relevance to us. I asked her why she was comparing them to us, and she just said that my dad should be more like them.
She then started to give me a really mad and stinky look. That’s how I knew she was mad at me. She then proceeded to walk out, as well as my dad, and they started to go back and forth about our issues as a family.
I stood there, pretty mad, and regretting what I said. I shouldn’t have said ‘I don’t know’ because I did know. But I was annoyed, and just said that at the moment.
It’s now Tuesday, and I haven’t talked to her until this evening, my dad was mad at her for not making me food, I didn’t care, though.
My mom then started yelling at me and my dad, saying that I am stupid, and I’m a bad kid. And then I asked her why she was mad at me, and she said the way I said ‘I don’t know’ when I clearly know, made her mad.
I know this is really dumb, but AITJ?
(Just for some insight, my relationship with my mom is good, and I do talk to her every day, but we always have these types of grudges every 6 months or so, and we won’t talk to each other for a week.)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sounds like your mom was trying to use you and your friend to guilt-trip and manipulate your father and is annoyed you didn’t help her out with that by giving her the answers she wanted. She can’t say that’s why she’s mad, though, so it’s just you’re a ‘bad’ kid.
She needs to stop trying to drag you into her marriage problems.” ConferenceDecent4222
16. AITJ For Wanting To Say My Vows In Spanish?
“My (27 f) fiancé (30 m) and I have been together for 6 years and are getting married this fall.
My fiancé is Hispanic and speaks Spanish with his family as it’s their first language but not mine. However, shortly after we started going out, I started taking Spanish classes for professional reasons as well as to better connect with his family.
I’m not exactly fluent, but they’re all very patient with me and know that I’m trying, and are patient when I make a mistake. Fiancé is saying his vows in English and is giving a copy in Spanish to his relatives who don’t speak English as well.
I thought it would be a cool surprise if I said my vows in Spanish as it would feel more personal and ‘for us’.
I mentioned this to my mom one day and she flipped out calling it stupid and said that I would be alienating my family.
I told her that she and my dad would be getting a copy in English on the day of and anyone else who wanted a copy after could ask. She said fine and dropped it for the rest of the day.
A few days later my dad brought it up and said some harsh things but the gist is that he won’t go to a ‘Hispanic wedding’ where he doesn’t feel comfortable and that ‘this is America and I should speak English’.
I told him that my vows are for my fiancé and not for him and that he’ll have a copy in English to follow along but he said it wasn’t enough and he wouldn’t be attending anymore. My oldest brother also backed out to support my dad and my mom originally had said she was still going but later backed out to support her husband.
I reached out to them to let them know that if none of them would attend my wedding then none of them would have contact with me past this point and including ever meeting any grandchildren/nieces/nephews that come in the future.
I’ve already arranged for my other brother to walk me down the aisle, but now my mom is reaching out saying she doesn’t want to miss her only daughter’s wedding over something so small and asked that I just say my vows in English so all three of them can come, but I still said no. I haven’t told my fiancé that none of them will be coming because even though he knows what my parents are like it’s still embarrassing and I still want to surprise him.
So AITJ??
I think it might be because they are my family, they’ve paid my tuition for school and supported me through a lot of my life and I could always say them in Spanish before or after the wedding.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, stick to your guns!!! Seriously do not budge a single inch. It is an incredibly sweet and moving gesture that you learned Spanish for this man and want to say your vows to him in his native language while he says his in your native language.
This is a partnership! This is reciprocity! Your family is showing some truly ugly colors here and you are 100% in the right to threaten disownment over this. Tell your parents that how they’re acting isn’t a ‘small issue’ and that they can either be on equal footing with family and read a translation, or they can shut up forever.
If they can’t respect the basic humanity of your husband, their in-laws, and your future children, they aren’t welcome in your life.” willowdove01
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Good job for sticking up for yourself and your fiancé. You should have chewed them a new b******e.
Kindly explain to your father that if he opened a history book he would know America was built on the backs of immigrants and slaves from all over Europe including Spanish-speaking countries such as Spain. Tell him if he’s so adamant about speaking the language of America then he should learn the Native American tongue as this is their land.
Does he show his attitude in front of your fiancé or what? God forbid you let them come and your fiancé plays one Spanish song and a fight breaks out over something inappropriate your father is bound to say.” HighElf_Queen_Jen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look at your language here — your mom says she doesn’t want to miss her daughter’s wedding over something so small, so you need to remove that small problem or she will risk never seeing you again.
She’s right that this is a small issue — so what is she doing blowing up your whole relationship over it? Why is your whole family so convinced that for you, your wedding vows are a small thing that can easily be changed, and for them, your wedding vows are so crucially important that if they can’t understand what you’re saying they might as well never see you again and never meet your children?
They’re telling you flat out that as far as they’re concerned, even the most crucial, important, private, once-in-a-lifetime event in your life is less important to them than their sense of comfort for 15 minutes. I will say I started out thinking that it is a bit rude to have the vows in one language when the guests speak two — that may be old-fashioned of me, and you ARE providing a translation so I honestly think it’s not a big deal — but the severity of their response is such that their comfort can’t be accommodated.
It reminds me of that joke about a woman considering changing her last name after marriage — if her new husband says he doesn’t care or he respectfully says he wants her to take his name but it’s her call, she might take his name, but if he flies off the handle freaking out about how disrespectful she is to even consider keeping the old name she has to keep the name and ditch the husband.” Ralynne
15. AITJ For Getting Stressed Over $3?
“At my company, I float too many facilities. I don’t drive, so they set me up with a Lyft pass to pay for the rides.
The way it works is that if I am on one site and transferring, it tells me that the ride will be refunded. It is built into the app, and says ‘free’.
So the other day we hire a supervisor for a site, and I’m told to float over.
I stay late to help her get oriented. I end up staying 45 late.
I then realize I’m gonna miss my carpool if I don’t get back, so I call Lyft and use the priority pass; when selected it says ‘free’.
It allowed me to make my carpool.
Later, I get a call from parking saying I need to refund them for the $3 pass. I said why would it say free if it’s not (a few times). I said I needed it since I was late for my carpool.
I was clear that it wasn’t her fault, but that this was tough and I was frustrated. This went for ~ 2 minutes. I could have been nicer, but no swearing or yelling. She snapped that I should have read the contract when I signed up, I said I don’t have it memorized. I looked later and the only relevant portion says ‘standard rides only, no XL no LUXE’ (These don’t say free in the app).
I didn’t want to tell her I have used the pass previously with no issue. She’s not a new employee, I don’t know why this is coming up now.
Then she said since I was late getting back it didn’t make sense I could have a carpool.
(Some have taken advantage of the carpool system; we get free parking if you are a registered carpool). Her tone made it clear she was accusing me. I said he gets off after me and I had to rush back, that’s why I used the priority.
I told her I didn’t like being accused of this since it was out of line and irrelevant. She told me if I had an attitude I should be prepared to get it back.
I said I’m sorry for being a bit nasty, but this is not a good system.
She told me I shouldn’t talk to people like this since I’m a manager. I will cede the point that I don’t normally talk to my employees like this, but they also don’t normally have something so out of wack.
Initially, I felt bad and I apologized. (she did not apologize for accusing me of parking fraud.)
Time has passed and I feel less like I was out of line. Her department is 4 people, so she has the responsibility to get this fixed before asking me for funds.
I thought about when my department has made mistakes and I’ve had to deal with someone lashing out at me the response is to try to fix it, but also I’m a manager and have extra responsibility.
I’m not happy it escalated, but I think all my points are valid.
I feel it was reasonable for me to complain because this system is bad. I get that it’s silly to get so worked up over $3, but why does it say free if it’s not free?
Am I crazy for even caring – or should they never even have asked?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Ask her via mail if she wants you not to use priority for 3$ the next time, and have you miss your carpool – costing the company a Lyft for all the way to your home.
Ask her for a written statement.” Initial_Number_4747
14. AITJ For Making A Guy Cry?
“I (14 f) normally would never react like this when someone asks me out but this was a difficult situation.
A guy (16 m) who I’ll call K was a pretty good acquaintance from my math class. He was very nice and often helped me out when I didn’t understand something. Apparently, during these interactions, I gave him some mixed signals I was intending to be nice but it may have come across the wrong way.
He asked me out and I turned him down as politely as I could. I thought that was the end of it until a couple of weeks later he asked me out again saying that he had given me some time to rethink.
I said politely no again. But this became a pattern of him asking me out, me turning him down only for him to try again. I started to get annoyed until finally I just shouted at him ‘I don’t like you, and I’m never going to go out with you.
Please leave me alone.’ He then started crying and called me a witch for giving him false hope and leading him on.
I think I might be the jerk but a bunch of people said I took it too far.
I do think I could’ve handled it better. I did yell at him in a hallway full of people and I did make him cry. I would still want to be friends with him because he was nice but I think this just ruined things.
But AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“‘He then started crying and called me a witch for giving him false hope and leading him on.’
One of the things you learn very early on, as a woman, is:
Men are not kind and polite to women in whom they are not interested. So when women are kind and polite to men, they mistakenly believe it is because the women are interested in them.
Women, on the other hand, learn very, very young, that they have to be kind and polite to men even when they are not interested — because some men, when given an outright ‘No’, will get angry and verbally abusive — or even physically abusive.
Women learn early on, when they’re not interested in men, to use all kinds of deflecting behavior rather than just bluntly saying ‘NO’ — because doing so often gets them verbally abused or even physically hurt.
And men who refuse to understand that they are being politely told ‘no’ in the kindest possible way, and continue to press their case until the women finally have to be quite blunt and brutal about it — will turn around and mistreat the woman and blame her for ‘leading them on’.
This guy is a jerk. A massive jerk. You did nothing to lead him on. Do not accept the blame he is trying to place on you.
And he is NOT a ‘nice guy’. Please don’t make excuses for him, and please don’t permit him to have any place in your life.” cat-lover76
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s a sad fact that some people, both men, and women, do misinterpret others’ signals from time to time. A lot of men have also been taught women like to play hard to get, and they think they are supposed to keep asking.
And likewise, there are women who purposefully say no expecting the man to ask again. Romance is a battlefield with ever-changing rules.
Hopefully, you’ve given him a much-needed lesson in the world of adult social skills.
Maybe you could have said more than just a no earlier to make it clear, like the second time he asked. Not trying to excuse his annoying behavior, just trying to prevent it from happening to you in the future!” i_needahero
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He thought you would rethink your choice and was confident you would say yes. Put you on the spot on multiple occasions to pressure you into saying yes. Tell this story to any other human being and it sounds insane.
He deserved it, he couldn’t accept a polite no for an answer the first time, so he tried again and again until he would get a yes. It seems like he was trying to tire you out. Glad you stood up for yourself.” daddyzionks
13. AITJ For Not Helping My Sister With Her Financial Problem?
“I 20 (M) have a sister 26 (F) that asked to borrow funds. I at a young age have done pretty well for myself financially, my sister however not so much, she has had a rough couple of years and had to move back in with my parents while I no longer live at home (she has borrowed from parents several times and they are done with it).
She asked me to borrow funds and I told her that is fine as long as she pays me back within a certain amount of time and that I see exactly what she spends it on, mind you, she no longer has any more bills besides a car payment since moving back in with my parents.
She told me no that she would not show me what she spends it on, so I told her no that I will not give her the money then. So now she’s calling me selfish and telling me that I have all this money and won’t help her out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are never obligated to give anyone money when you’re not comfortable giving it.
I say this as someone who has (happily) given money to a sister 10 years older than me when I was in my early 20s.
I helped her out when she was living on her own and having trouble making ends meet. She would do the same for me if the roles were reversed. I would never give money to a sibling in the scenario you’ve described though.
She’s living at home with your parents so has no living expenses. She is in no way in danger of being homeless or without sustenance. She also is still holding onto luxuries like a car even though they are not paid off and causing her significant expenses.
If she is having trouble paying her minimal bills while your parents are providing her with all the necessaries of life, at this point, her struggles are because of poor decision-making and you shouldn’t enable her.” Mayalestrange
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your money and you get to make decisions over what happens with it. Also, it’s really suspicious that she won’t tell you what she’s spending it on. To me, that would signal that she’s spending it on something unnecessary.
I wouldn’t trust her.” DatWeirdo04
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your money, your rules. She can take it or leave it if she doesn’t like the deal. While it’s nice to help every now and then, I guess, your sister is not entitled to your money.” tingleras
12. AITJ For Exposing My Sister-In-Law's Lies?
“My SIL is 23 and the only girl out of 4 children.
In-laws wanted a girl and didn’t stop until they got her. Which led to a ton of favoritism and enabling on their end. She has 3 children F5yo, F3yo, and M9mo. She is also now on her third marriage as of this past Saturday.
None of the children share a dad, the middle was from her first marriage, her second marriage resulted in no children, and both marriages and mingling periods combined were shorter than her youngest child’s life this far. She is notoriously known for using anyone who lets her.
During her first marriage, they never even lived together. I wish I was joking. My in-laws did not approve of him and refused to let him move in. His grandma hated my SIL and refused to let her move in there, neither one worked or had money… so they lived separately for the 2-month marriage.
In-laws got sick of supporting SIL and her now 2 children (she was divorced before she knew she was pregnant) so they kicked her out. By that time she had a new partner, so she moved in and they got married a couple of weeks later.
Married about 3-4ish months and he kicks her and the girls out. She moves back in with her in-laws, finally gets a job, and moves out.
Fast forward a little bit, she meets a guy on the internet and gets pregnant, again.
Guy ditches her as soon as he finds out she’s pregnant. She quits her job and moves back in with my in-laws. Has a baby boy and gets a tubal ligation done so she can’t have any more kids.
She meets BIL 4 months ago and they start going out.
Honestly, he’s a super nice guy and is great with the kids. He has none of his own and has himself together. Owns a home, nice vehicles, steady job. She moves in with the kids and they decide to get married.
I’m not the person to care how many kids someone does or doesn’t have. Same with I really don’t care how many times you marry or don’t marry. Life happens. This is where it gets sour and I probably overstepped, but enough is enough.
My husband and I invited them all over for dinner as congratulations on the wedding and new life together. We’re all eating and SIL’s husband mentions how happy he is, how much he loves her and the kids, and how much he can’t wait until they have one of their own… I asked him how they could do that since she had the tubal done.
He had no clue. She was livid, to say the least. We got into a huge argument and everything came out. He didn’t know she had been married before and thought the kids all had the same deadbeat dad.
None of the dads stuck around and he never questioned it because it never got brought up.
I told him he made a huge mistake marrying a stranger. They left and she got my in-laws involved because now he wants her and the kids to leave. They think I had no place outing her like that, but I think he deserved to know the truth.
My husband is on my side and said it may have gone too far, but that the guy should have known something was off. So AITJ?
Edit: here’s context about the argument since I’m a hag… All I did was question how they would have a kid together due to the tubal. She exposed herself the rest of the way in her attempt to justify and explain herself.
She outed her own marriages and the number of her children’s fathers. That’s what led to him making a huge mistake. We didn’t know he was clueless and I didn’t have to push for anything.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the truth shall set you free and in this situation, she chose to hide the truth, as any truth would leave her back at her in-law’s house, and back stuck with kids and no dads to help.
She took, not going to say advantage of the guy, but she knew her situation and chose to hide it in order to feel some joy/happiness in life. Right now she needs a counselor and put daddies on child support.” Atl_Uber
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, all you did is ask how were they supposed to have a child when she had her tubes tied. Their relationship was based on lies, her lies. She managed to trick him into marrying her, probably because he is smart and stable financially, so basically to use him.
Of course, her parents are on her side, they raised this entitled person she is now. I feel bad for the kids, they are collateral victims of their mother’s lies.” Plenty_Metal_1304
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She built that relationship on a foundation of lies and 1/2 truths by omission.
You didn’t out her but just asked a question on a subject that you honestly thought he knew about because they’re married and he was talking about having a child with her. It’s hard to cover for SIL if she doesn’t let you know she’s been lying to her husband for their entire relationship.” WinEquivalent4069
11. AITJ For Thinking My Dad Shouldn't Have Talked To My Therapist?
“I (f15) have been in therapy since grade 5 and have had 3 therapists going on four soon. My therapist has been with me for two years and she is one of the only people who I can trust including my parents.
Around five months ago I did something really bad to my dad that I regret majorly. I really hurt him by this and have made it up to him since then. Recently I lied to my parents about my grades (I’m failing two classes) and he told my therapist who I haven’t seen recently but am going to see tomorrow about what happened.
Normally I wouldn’t care about what he told her in fact I would welcome it but this appointment is special as I am 324 days free of something I can not say but it’s a big deal for me. The whole point of the appointment was to tell her good news and now I feel as if it is not going to be as special as I hoped. I feel like now she’s going to want to talk about what my dad said to her instead of the good news I had for her.
My dad has a tendency to be dramatic, he was raised differently than how I am, he was raised in a very strict household while I am not. Me doing something small can be like doing something huge for him, the thing I am worried about is that he told her something that is not the full story.
I think that I’m not validating his feelings but I also feel like he didn’t have to tell her and should have let me tell her. I feel like a jerk for feeling bad but I really want to tell him that he shouldn’t have done that as the appointment was to be about my good news but I feel like it would be wrong to tell him that so would I be the jerk if told him?
I would just like to say that my father has on numerous occasions overstepped my boundaries. My appointment was to tell my therapist how I’m doing and the good news I have for her. I was going to tell her myself but on a different day and he knew that.
There are a lot of family problems that I left out. I would just like to say that I’ve always listened to my parents as best as I could but I also suffer from depression and anxiety as well as other problems. My parents have neglected me since I was little so now they feel as if they need to do things for me.
I love my parents very much and I know they have good intentions but I feel as if my dad overstepped.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – It’s not a jerk thing for feeling anything, it’s acting on those feelings that might potentially make you a jerk.
Having said that, your dad is coming from a good place in trying to help you, plus, you are not of age yet so your dad kind of has a responsibility to keep your therapist appraised of your situation at home.
Also, don’t worry about your therapist taking things wrongly, they are trained and have the critical thinking skills to listen to your dad’s side of the story as just an additional source of input – in addition to yours. They won’t simply take any given info as the gospel truth.” ThomzLC
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ
Your father has a responsibility to take care of you, your therapist should be aware of any patterns of past behavior reemerging. If grades were a part of that he was being a good dad by bringing it up to her.
I am so happy you are so far along being free of (something), and you should have that moment of celebration and still can. All you have to do is change your perspective on what your dad did. Instead of thinking he did this to me/he ruined my good news, think: he did this FOR me.
It sounds like he desperately wants you to be okay and has forgiven you for a lot. I think you can forgive him as well. I think this shows how much your dad loves you and wants you to be okay.
Your therapist’s praise is not worth a fight with your dad. Also, you did lie to him at a time he’s trying to build trust with you. You did something that had to be made up for. Making up for it doesn’t mean the trust is back 100%.” ladyelisaria
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your father overstepped boundaries, and if your therapist talks to you about him then she’s also overstepping boundaries. In therapy – you’re the person of importance, no one else, and no one else gets to talk to your therapist about you, especially to tattle.
Keep in mind that the therapist is NOT allowed to discuss you or anything about you in and outside of your sessions. Your time with her is strictly confidential – even to parents and guardians. The whole point of therapy is to work on yourself in a safe place – your dad tried to strip you of that safe place which is not okay.
Maybe you can bring it up on your own and ask for tools in helping you set clear hard boundaries with your dad, and how to enforce them.” dinkydish
10. AITJ For Telling My Parents To Just Get A Divorce?
“My (f15) sister (f11) and I have been hearing the words ‘we are going to get a divorce’ since I was probably 7 years old. When my parents said this to me and my sister when we were young we would stay quiet but sometimes I’d look at my sister in the back seat and one of us, either me or her, would have tears in our eyes.
Now my sister and I are used to hearing this so we brush it off.
My parents are your classic get into an argument, be mad for a week with no contact, then forgive each other. It’s been this endless cycle for years and years and years.
My dad was always the one who wanted to get divorced and my mom was always the one begging him to stay together. My dad claims he’s only still with my mom for us (me and my sister) but doesn’t take into account just how harmful he and my mother aggressively argue every week, sometimes waking us up at night.
Within the past two years after almost a decade of this nonsense, I expressed my feelings about their arguing and how it really affects my mental health… but for some reason, it ended with my parents being mad at me.
Mind you my sister and I have also been in some traumatic situations that have resulted in things breaking, people being left at the side of the road crying, etc all because of a very heated convo (now I’m not going to get into details, but basically my parents don’t think my sister and me witnessing these things is traumatic) (ALSO NOTHING HARMFUL PHYSICALLY HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME OR MY SISTER.
THESE ARE JUST THINGS WE HAVE WITNESSED OVER THE YEARS). Well, recently I’ve been hearing the words ‘we are going to get a divorce’ again and I finally said something along the lines of ‘good, I hope you guys do get a divorce’.
No one really said anything but I got a dirty look from my parents when I said that, so am I wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am very sorry you are going through this as I know EXACTLY what that’s like.
I had the exact same upbringing and also witnessed the traumatic situations you mention, I also know what it’s like being dragged in the middle of the night to another family member’s house because ‘we are not staying here’.
People have already told you many useful things but just one from me – now would be ideal, if it’s not an option now then make sure that as soon as you are an adult and can make these decisions for yourself get yourself in therapy.
You know this is affecting you but you don’t know how much. It took me a while before I realized every relationship disagreement didn’t need to be a blowout and potentially end in a breakup. Imploded some of my early relationships because I just couldn’t fathom having a normal difference of opinions on things and made a big deal out of everything.
It’s like my parents trained me to think this way (which is actually the term my therapist uses – that I was trained).
Good luck. Big hugs to you, I promise this will pass. And even if a proper full-on therapy might not be an option now – if you ever start feeling like this is really becoming too much then SHOUT for help.
At school, at your doctors, to any family members, you might have, to neighbors, anyone really. Do not let this destroy you. You are owed help, you are still a child and someone has to look out for you.” Few_Organization8188
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and not alone. My parents married and divorced each other TWICE. Only child here, thrown in the middle of their fighting with my mother using me being upset to force my dad to stay with her.
She lied to him left and right, but depended on him for financial support. Things were definitely thrown and broken, but she never beat me up so it was all emotional and verbal harassment. I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, panic attacks, nightmares, and Borderline Personality Disorder with things like OCD and PTSD being mentioned by my therapist and psychiatrist.
I’m 32 and basically an awkward ball of pent-up emotions, my brain is constantly going through imagined scenarios, and I can guarantee most of it, if not all, is because of my mother and her manipulating my dad and myself. If my dad had just stayed divorced or divorced her again when I was 8, it could have saved me YEARS of trauma.” MissAnxiousCupcake
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At all. I felt the same way. Everyone else (all-girls catholic school 25 years ago) told me it would be the worst possible thing and it made me feel like I was a bad person for wishing my parents would split.
They eventually did, ofc. With or without me wishing they b****y well would!
I think my bros and I would have been better off if they had split earlier. The fighting was so bad that separating would have brought more peace than pain.
I’m also going to add: it is NEVER the kid’s fault for their parents splitting. Never, ever, ever. Do not take that message on board and do not take their blame, if they blame you. You’re level-headed but don’t let that belief subconsciously get to you… blaming the children for the parents’ failed marriage is nothing more than a nonsense cop-out.” Mysterious_Buy265
9. AITJ For Wanting To Keep The Refund Funds For Myself?
“I (37 yo female) bought a product through Amazon for my (57yo female) friend. She had asked me to buy this product since she doesn’t have an Amazon account and she doesn’t like to buy things online. I bought the product using my husband’s account but with my credit card.
We got the product a week later and I gave it to her and she’s been using it since then. About a week ago I got a refund from Amazon because they thought the product was lost and my husband noticed that in our account it says it was never delivered but the product is with my friend so there was a mistake with Amazon.
Today I mentioned this mistake to my friend and she got mad saying it was her money and that I should give it back to her. She’s not talking to me the same way, I can see that she’s mad at me but I tried to explain that she used my husband’s account and my credit card and she’s still with the product… she didn’t lose anything, just my husband and I were lucky to get these funds, but she disagreed saying that I need to give back her payment.
A little bit of context, she has a great family and finances are not a problem for them. She’s about to retire and her husband just got a huge heritage. They don’t have any mortgage or big bills.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not telling Amazon about the error and for not giving her the money. I have a hard time reconciling that you helped a friend order something on Amazon (this isn’t rocket science and she paid you for the item) and then you go on about how it was such a big deal ‘to use your account and credit card’.
News flash, it’s not… You also feel it necessary to justify yourself by saying, essentially, ‘since she is rich, she doesn’t need it.’ It’s just the principle of the thing – you helped a friend and are profiting off of it.
It’s fairly clear to me that you are just being greedy. As for telling Amazon about the missing item, just because Amazon is a big company doesn’t excuse the fact that this is theft. It’s just easier to justify to yourself since they made the error.
You received a product – honor that.” PuertoRicoRules
Another User Comments:
“Amazon refunded HER payment for an item she paid for. Albeit thru your husband’s account. Not returning her money is a jerk move, makes you an awful person, and a bad friend.
You’re not legally required to give the refund to her. Just like you’re not legally required to tell Amazon the item was delivered and is currently being used.
But you lost a friend. Because of your own actions.
Shut up & own your own bad friend behavior.
YTJ.” MannyMoSTL
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
She is kind of incorrect as well. It was her money, but she did get the product.
The upshot is that you should also call Amazon and let them know.
Chances are, depending on how expensive it was, they’ll just call it square.
But the HONEST thing to do is to let them know.
Because what you’re doing is pretty much stealing.” User
8. WIBTJ If I Don't Want My Partner's Mother To Move In With Us?
“I (20f) adore my partner’s mother. We get along great.
But my partner (29m) and I have only been living together for three months and she wants to move in. My partner has four siblings, three of whom have their own homes. The sibling she’s currently living with is moving out of state in June.
My partner’s dad is living with one of the others. Mom has health problems and so doesn’t work. My partner and I have a wonderful relationship and a free, loving household. I’m not ready to give up my privacy.
He works very hard but I earn more, so I pay the vast majority of the bills. I’ve wanted my own spot for as long as I can remember and this is my first one. WIBTJ?
UPDATE: We had a conversation in which I told him he does not have my consent to move her in.
He is respecting my feelings and said he doesn’t want to jeopardize his future with me for his mom. She can come for visits but will not be moving in.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and congratulations on being so financially sound at 20 that you can support a household!
That is excellent, and you should be proud of yourself. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE OBLIGATED TO DO SO! It’s your funds and your future. Any extra expenses you have to cover mean money that you can’t save for retirement.
Your partner needs to help his mom get into subsidized housing if she’s that desperate for a roof. She is not your responsibility. And I hope that you are also cognizant of what you are paying to support him. It sounds like he depends on your income a little too much.
That’s another discussion I hope you will have with him.
If you ever buy a house together, who is going to come up with the down payment and make sure the mortgage is current? If you are the one who’s earning, whose name belongs on the deed?
I hope very much he’s not using you for financial security.
Don’t become an ATM. I’ve been there. In retrospect, I’m still mad about it. I could have paid off my house by now. No freeloaders!!!” IndustriousLabRat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
So she can’t support herself and has health problems. You will be expected to support her housing and bill-wise plus her health conditions (financially, physically, and emotionally taxing).
Once she is in then you have her for life, she can’t afford to live on her own so she will never move out.
Look at the sister, she’s moving and that’s the only reason MIL is not staying with her as she doesn’t have a choice but to leave.
Your partner has to nip this now. He also has to deliver the message, that it’s not your responsibility.
Look at what options are available for her area for the elderly/people with no income and unable to work due to poor health and then have a partner give her the options.” Status-Pattern7539
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are 20yrs old and already footing most of the bills for a partner who is nearly 10yrs older than you.
What was he doing at your age? I doubt he was financially supporting his parents and a girl at that age. I would say absolutely no to her moving in. You aren’t even married into this family yet and may never marry this guy.
What about saving up for a future house and having children one day? There are other older siblings who have had years to become more financially secure and can support their own biological mother. This really shouldn’t be even a question that you would take on her living with you and paying all of her bills.
If your partner wants to take care of HIS mother then he can move out, find a place for the two of them and pay her bills on his own.” cattripper
7. AITJ For Showing An Offensive Meme To My Sisters?
“I (M22) have two older sisters, ‘Anne’ (23) and ‘Beth” (24). Growing up, our mom was a very typical mother in our culture in that she openly favored me as her son and constantly complained about the girls. She wasn’t terrible to them or anything, she took care of their basic needs, she was just super strict with the both of them and was almost always yelling at them to do their chores which she never did to me.
It’s actually kind of annoying because she babies me and never lets me do anything for myself while the girls got to learn life skills early. It’s common knowledge in our family that I’m her favorite, which again is pretty normal since I was the first and only son.
She’s told us plenty of times that the only reason she had two daughters was because she wanted to keep trying until she got a boy.
So the other day, I was wasting time on social media and saw a Gordon Ramsay meme about how mothers treat their sons versus their daughters (‘Oh dear, oh dear, gorgeous.’/’You freaking donkey.’) I thought it was pretty funny since it was so accurate, so I tagged my mom and both my sisters in it.
My mom laughed reacted and responded with ‘so true. My boy is my prince’. Anne didn’t respond, but Beth just said ‘screw you’ to me and blocked me.
Beth is usually really chill and doesn’t start online drama, so I was really shocked by her reaction.
I texted her a few times and she didn’t respond. Later I asked Anne about it and she said that Beth was really upset by the meme and it actually made her cry. I was totally shocked because it was just a stupid meme.
When I told Anne this she said that she understood Beth’s reaction because they were both really hurt by how our mom treated them.
I told her that was pretty ridiculous because 1) It’s just a meme, 2) they’re both too old to be this upset about what happened in the past, and 3) All mothers and daughters treat each other like that (women in general tbh), so I didn’t think they would care this much.
I also told Anne that at least it was balanced out because our father was always softer on them than he was with me, and she said it didn’t matter because they both wanted their mom to love them too.
I told her that was kind of selfish and a bit entitled. I said that it was just a fact of life that mothers are like this, it might suck a little but it’s really not a big deal, and at least it taught them valuable life skills that I didn’t get to learn.
Now Anne and Beth are both upset at me and won’t talk to either me or Mom. My mom is on my side of course, and a few of our other family members who use social media agree that it’s ridiculous to get this upset over a meme, especially over something that’s honestly pretty normal and harmless.
I feel bad about making them both cry, but I also think they’re overreacting for attention, especially over something so stupid. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You and your mother. Your absentmindedness about your mother’s behavior, and claiming it to be normal and ok is frankly disgusting.
I bet you don’t even know why parents favoring sons is such a common thing. Of course, you’d never need to empathize with your sisters because what they experience doesn’t affect you, so why care, right? I can understand how they wouldn’t find a joke about their mistreatment funny.
And if the target of said joke has any kind of negative reaction, (let alone crying!) I can’t comprehend how you’d find it funny either.” sidkest
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – it might not be totally your fault, as it seems that you are following cultural ‘ideals’ that… aren’t so ideal. You thought the meme was funny because it was true, which is a benefit to you.
It’s not to your sister, so something that is amusing/positive to you is hurtful/negative to your siblings. To reply to your numbered points:
It’s not ‘just a meme’ – it is a reminder that your mom loves and supports you, and not your sisters.
It’s you bragging to the world about how your mom has openly stated that she didn’t want her daughters, they were just trial runs until a boy came out of her. Just a reminder, it’s not you that your mom likes, it has nothing to do with how smart or strong or capable you are.
She doesn’t care about YOU, she cares about your manhood. (ew)
It’s not ‘in the past’ you are still obviously a spoiled golden child now. Your sisters are continuing to be the second-best to you solely because you’re a man.
Again, not because you are smart or strong or capable. Because of your manhood.
That is NOT how all mothers and daughters, nor women in general, treat each other. You are totally wrong about this. Care to guess why you’re wrong?
It’s because you are not capable of understanding the complex psychological issues involved in relationships. This is (wait for it) because you have never had anyone expect anything from you because you were born a man.
For all of the above reasons, you are the jerk.
As is your mom (and probably dad as well) for creating a family like this in the first place. It’s terrible, how she raised the three of you. Like, I want her to post here so I can talk to her directly, that’s how terrible she is.” Dazeydevyne
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
‘All mothers and daughters treat each other like that, women in general, to be honest.’
No. no, they don’t. We definitely do not treat our daughters like your mother treats your sisters. Women in general, I hope you’ll discover, are more supportive of each other than in your oppressive misogynistic family and we definitely do not need our feelings and attitudes toward each other mansplained away by you!
Women need healthy relationships with our fellow women, we thrive when we are united and the misogyny inherent in such patriarchal cultures like your family culture is divisive and damaging. You’re the selfish and entitled one OP.
I wonder how her own relationship with her mother was.
She’s a misogynist, overtly displaying her favoritism for her son over her daughters simply because of gender. This style of misogyny is so damaging, and that your mother can be so casually cruel towards your sisters takes my breath away.
I know some cultures favor boy children over girls, but that’s an excuse that people hide behind to justify the fact that it is ultimately a choice to treat your kids differently- while knowing full well that it’s completely and blatantly unfair.
It must be so painful for the girls to experience. I’m a mother and I adore my girls, I’m proud of them and I stopped after two girls because we only wanted two children irrespective of their gender.
Two boys/one of each I’d have made the same decision.
Your sisters’ feelings are valid, they are not at all entitled nor selfish for wanting their mother’s love and you rubbing the reality in their faces in such a public forum as social media, is a behavior.
Telling them that their responding hurt feelings are not valid is just cruel.” stanleysgirl77
6. AITJ For Not Rewinding The TV Show For My Partner?
“My partner and I are on completely different wavelengths when it comes to watching television. She finds herself commonly asking me questions or clarification when she doesn’t understand what is going on in a TV show.
It’s not necessarily annoying but to me, I believe it stems from her complete lack of paying attention as she is constantly on the go and doing this or that and not setting aside time for us to enjoy something together.
Well, tonight was again one of those nights. We’ve been enjoying Better Call Saul, and I value this time as something we can enjoy together without distractions. Watching a good movie is truly a time for us to bond together with something we both like.
I boot up the show and start the episode and some pretty crazy stuff is happening during the intro scene. She puts her phone down at the very end and says ‘what happened.’ To which I respond ‘you should’ve put your phone down and you would have seen.’ I was then asked to rewind it.
And this is where I’m the jerk, I told her I’m not rewinding it and she should really pay attention to the show because explaining critical parts in the series without experiencing it yourself kind of defeats the purpose of watching and it drives me insane.
Now she’s not talking to me at all and told me I’m a complete jerk and that I ‘ruined the mood’ and now she doesn’t want to watch the show anymore.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say soft NTJ because I really don’t want to call your partner the jerk but also she knows she’s going to watch a show with you, she knows she’s got to pay attention and keep up.
Maybe, just maybe, there’s a deeper problem here because I’m exactly like this when I watch shows with or without my partner. It’s very difficult for me to focus on the screen while doing nothing with my hands, which is why I pick up my phone and get distracted. It doesn’t happen with video games or when holding a book, as my hands have something to do, so maybe she needs something to help her focus.” tingleras
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Wait for things to cool down and explain to her what you explained here about not liking it when she does this. If she isn’t that interested in watching the show, that’s fine. You guys can find something else to do together.
Plenty of other activities to try. But tell her that the way she chooses to not pay attention and then make you pause to rewind and explain make the show less enjoyable for you.” Lalabeth93
5. WIBTJ For Not Giving The Guy His Cats Back?
“So I (33 m) recently moved to a new city for work. While staying at a hotel waiting for my apartment to be ready, on a lonely night, I ended up hooking up with a younger dude (20 m) whose family was going through a rough patch and was temporarily staying in the same extended-stay motel that I was.
We ended up hanging out a few times while I was there, and after I ended up moving into my new place he asked me for the favor of taking care of a couple of cats that they had been keeping concealed in the hotel.
Hotel management had spotted them and as it is a no pets allowed property they were at risk of getting evicted from it.
The younger and the smaller of the two cats was getting aggressive with the older cat, as it is neutered and the younger is not.
I ended up paying for the younger cat to get neutered after the dude asked me to check on prices for him. I initially thought I was just doing him a favor; figured I was doing this dude and his family a solid by saving them funds.
Anyway, it was supposed to be a week but it’s been more than a month – about six weeks I think. The dude has been checking in on the cats once every couple of weeks via Snapchat messages but has never asked to see them, never set a date for when he’s picking them up despite being asked multiple times, and getting out of the motel and into a permanent residence with his family, and to be quite frank, I’ve ended up falling in love with the fur balls.
The older one loves to sit on my lap while I work and get involved with all of my Zoom meetings and the younger one cuddles on my neck every night before I fall asleep.
He messaged me tonight and asked how the younger one was healing up from the surgery and asked for pics of them.
I sent them and was cordial and he didn’t pursue the matter any further. However, I know that the day might come when he asks me to come to pick them up. When and if that day comes, would I be the jerk for telling him that I’ve decided to keep them?”
Another User Comments:
“I think very soft YTJ if you just decide to keep them. You said yourself that they’re going through a bad patch and if they were literally living out of a hotel, that doesn’t sound like the kind of situation that resolves quickly and easily.
I’d try to communicate with him more directly, ask him for a timeline, how things are going, etc. And go from there. Just because the cat situation might not be his first priority right now, especially knowing that they’re safe and healthy, doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve to have his pets back when his life stabilizes.” whiterice2323
Another User Comments:
“Very slight YTJ because I know you mean well. You need to be upfront with him about what your expectations are. Despite how much you love these cats they are still not yours. Since he’s been in communication with you this whole time and you haven’t brought anything up it would be really crappy to say ‘no I’m keeping them’ if, say, next week he decides to reclaim them.
Let him know your intentions are wanting to keep them and that if he objects to that then he needs to come and get them and find a new place for them. You absolutely NEED to talk to him about this.
You totally are not a jerk for wanting to keep them, but you would be if you withheld them without coming to the ‘if you don’t pick them up by X then I’m keeping them’ agreement. Make sure to get it in writing too.
It’s clear you both care about these cats.” LindseyIsBreathing
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. You agreed to watch them, you volunteered to pay for the surgery, and it doesn’t sound like you have indicated to the guy you have any issues at all with the extended stay.
He’s still checking on them, concerned about the youngest healing, and they weren’t neglected. It seems to me you’re trying to convince yourself that he doesn’t care about them so that you can alleviate your guilt if you refuse to return them.
Maybe try talking to him about when he is getting his cats first? Before you make plans to hold them hostage?” Psychological_Bird63
4. AITJ For Taking My Roommate's Clothes Out Of The Dryer?
“So roommate-zilla struck last night, and it wasn’t pretty. She left her clothes in the dryer for three whole hours when I had just washed mine and needed to dry them. I sat and waited for her to step out of her room to come and get them, but it was late and it turns out she was asleep after all.
And she almost never responds in a timely manner whenever I text her. So I went ahead and took her clothes out and set them on top of the dryer. I then get this barrage of texts from her the next morning, bc apparently I’m supposed to text her when her laundry’s done since it’s my responsibility to keep track of her clothes for her.
Guys, I think I live with a bully. I am nothing but kind to this girl; I share my things, offer her and her friends rides in the middle of the night, etc. She even went as far as saying ‘for someone getting their Ph.D.
you clearly aren’t a decent person, and I feel bad for your future students!’ But at the same time, I’m not her mother so I don’t believe it is my responsibility to keep track of her own clothes for her.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When you’re using a communal washer/dryer, you need to keep track of when your clothes are done. The most I would wait is 30 minutes, then I’m goin’ in. I did, however, once have my still-wet clothes taken out of the dryer and dumped unceremoniously on a table in college—that was decidedly uncool.
You’re not a jerk, because her clothes were dry and had been sitting for hours; you’ve gotta get your laundry done, too!” gollumwasrobbed
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have this happen all the time in dorms. Some people got ridiculously angry.
I usually try to wait for a few hrs if I can. Then later I moved into a small apartment building and this lady was hogging laundry for hrs and being slow at moving things. So I gave in and moved her things.
She got angry and came to my door to yell at me that because her clothes touched the top of the dryer they needed to be washed again. Meanwhile, my cat runs out and she blocks my way from getting her like she (my cat) isn’t important.
These laundry trolls are everywhere. I’ve had my stuff moved plenty of times. No big deal, usually I feel bad for forgetting.” RevolutionaryPin6091
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you needed the dryer and should have communicated instead of waiting it out and getting frustrated. If she had known that you were going to need the dryer right away would you say that she would have willingly left her clothes there?
You are not supposed to keep track of her clothes but you should communicate instead of having expectations in your head.” Cameri
3. WIBTJ If I Came Out To My Parents And Tore Our Family Apart?
“I’m (17M) a senior in high school and FTM transgender. For background, I’ve been going by a male name and pronouns at school and pretty much everywhere but home since I was 14, but I’m not out to my family.
I have a plan at school that informs my teachers about my situation but prevents them from telling my family or anything. I live in the US, but my parents were raised in India and because of the culture they grew up in and stuff, they can’t really fathom the idea of having a queer kid, though they’re fine with my friends being queer and stuff, and that’s not really something I can fault them for because that’s how they grew up.
On to my question: while filling out college housing information and figuring out stuff for next year, I’m realizing how difficult it’s gonna be to keep the same secrets that I have been for the last few years.
It’s not impossible, and I could still do it, but the thought of doing it is making me unbelievably frustrated and I’m so exhausted with living this double life. I want to just let my parents find out and screw the consequences for myself, but I feel so guilty about the consequences for my family.
This is the kind of thing that could permanently change my family forever. I know that a lot of my parents’ happiness comes from their kids and I know they could never be happy seeing me follow this path. If I tell them this, they are never going to see me the same again.
And it’s not just them, I have a little brother (13M) and he’d be in this house for five more years at least. My parents have given me so much freedom throughout high school and stuff, and if I come out, he is definitely not gonna get the same kind of freedom.
They’re also paying for my college expenses completely. I don’t think they would prevent me from going to college or anything, but that’s something I would be willing to accept. I just feel so selfish for putting what I want ahead of the needs of my family, and I know that’s the argument they’re gonna throw back in my face.
But I’m just so tired of all this and I genuinely can’t do this anymore.
WIBTJ for tearing my family apart?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for whatever you choose to do in this situation, but you need to make the choice that will prioritize your own safety.
Trans youth are at great risk, often because their own families are less than supportive. So your first job, for the next few years until you are a self-supporting adult, is to keep yourself safe.
‘Safety’ involves many things. It includes having food and shelter and economic security, but also it includes a support network and good resources for your mental health.
You will eventually have to make a decision about coming out to your parents, and at your age, this can put your safety at risk in several ways.
So you need to know that it is perfectly okay if you decide to refrain from disclosing your gender identity to your parents until you graduate from university and can support yourself economically.
That is one way to help to keep yourself safe.
But it is also okay if you do decide to disclose your gender identity to your parents, ESPECIALLY if you think it will be too detrimental to your mental health to continue to hide from them.
If you do decide to disclose, you need to put certain things in place first.
For example, ‘putting things in place’ will probably include identifying good universities that have solid and dependable, and up-to-date resources for trans students. These resources will include mental health support, peer groups for trans students, options to put your chosen name and gender id into your student record (AND for students to choose to refrain from sharing these things with their parents.
As you may know, there’s a law called FERPA that prevents universities from sharing student data with anyone not approved by that student).
You may also need to consider the possibility that your parents may decide they no longer wish to support you through university.
So ‘putting things in place’ must include investigating how to become independent/emancipated from your parents in regard to filing for financial aid. Guidance offices at high schools and financial aid offices at universities can often help with this. There is also solid advice available online via government websites.
Bottom line: it is not selfish to protect your own safety and mental health. As a matter of fact, it is your most important job. In this case, the safety and mental health of your brother can best be ensured by taking care of your own first, in case you need to become a solid resource for him later.
It’s like that announcement on airplanes: ‘In case of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks above your seat will deploy. Please place YOUR OWN mask on first; only then will you be able to assist your child or other passengers.’
I am a queer university professor with many trans students. I wish you every success, no matter what you choose.” matthewsmugmanager
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you come out and they don’t accept you then it’s not you who’s ‘tearing the family apart’ it’s them.
It’s not selfish to want to be your true self around the people who are supposed to love and accept you unconditionally.
Your concerns are valid, but I think you have reason to be hopeful for a good ending to you coming out.
The fact that you’re confident that they wouldn’t withdraw their financial support for you to go to college and the fact that they’re accepting of your LGBT friends is a good sign. It might be a difficult thing for them to accept in the short term but it sounds like they might be able to come around to it in time.
You’re not doing anything bad by being the person you were always meant to be, even if that person isn’t the person your parents thought you were meant to be.” RebelScientist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You wouldn’t be responsible for tearing your family apart (if you did come out), your parents would be.
I know you don’t want to fault them bc of how they were raised/culture etc. but they have the ability to change and grow just like everyone else, if they can accept your queer/trans friends they can accept you too.
Regardless, I think that you should make the decision that prioritizes your safety. If you know you’ll need them for things like financial support and stability, you’ll have to work towards creating that for yourself first IMO. That way if your parents cut you off, you’ll still be okay.
There’s also nothing wrong with staying closeted until you can achieve that level of financial independence. I understand how that can make you uncomfortable as if you’re not being honest about who you are, but the thing is… you know who are but your parents (probably) would not be supportive of you trying to be your true self.
Basically, you need to THINK long and hard about what life will look like for you after you come out, especially if you plan on having a medical transition.” jtheminipony
2. AITJ For Not Tolerating My Ex's Awful Treatment Anymore?
“I (Non-Binary, 19) was in a relationship with someone I will call Star (F, 19).
Star and I have had a rocky past. We met when we were both 12 and were friends until we were about 16 when she decided she was in love with me. I originally did not plan to go out with her at all, but she tried extremely hard to push herself into and break up any relationships I had that did not involve her.
I cut her off, but we regained touch when we were both 18. Against my better judgment, I decided to try a relationship with her. We were long-distance, so I figured that if I really needed to cut her off, I would be able to do so.
This went on and off for about a year.
Every single day, often multiple times a day, she would force me to talk her down from her breakdowns. She would tell me that I was the only thing keeping her alive.
She always called herself a ‘yandere’ and told me she would do anything to keep me with her.
After a while, I was drained. I couldn’t talk about my stressors, she would bring it back to herself (she would spin right into breakdown mode because she ‘didn’t know how to help me so she must not deserve to live’).
I decided that I could not help her in the way she very clearly needed, so I told her that maybe she should see a therapist or go to an inpatient facility so she could get help. Of course, this didn’t work, but I was able to use a hospital to my advantage.
I know how god-awful this sounds, but there were some days I just could not handle dealing with her. Telling her I would call a hospital on her settled her down instantly.
There were a LOT of other things that she did to me, but I cannot mention them anymore.
Needless to say, that relationship ended in a very large, very bad way. After she went to sleep, I sent her a message saying that I could not handle it anymore and that I was going to go no contact.
Recently, she contacted me again through an alt account, and we talked. Her main point was that it wasn’t her fault that she was so terrible to me, she has a lot of trauma, and my leaving her made me the awful one.
I told her that her trauma doesn’t excuse any of what she did to me. She blew up on me and said things I cannot say here for a number of reasons. The basic premise is that I am ‘a monster that should have been gone years ago’.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she’s clearly a jerk for obvious reasons however you were a jerk to yourself for entering that relationship when you knew she was very toxic. If before you even start going out, you’re thinking about how you can ‘cut them off if you need to’ solely due to their actions (obviously someone who has a history of being hurt has a ‘get out plan’ due to their trauma is a different matter) that suggests don’t go out with them because it means you don’t inherently feel safe with them.
It absolutely isn’t your fault any of what happened despite that.” yeet-im-bored
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I have a history of depression and a past of similar dark thoughts about my life as she does. Yet I’m able to recognize that it isn’t anyone else’s issue but mine to work through during those times.
It isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to make me feel better when I don’t feel well. Mental illness, while sucks to go through, isn’t an excuse for treating others poorly. She doesn’t need to be in a relationship with you to find proper help for what she’s going through.
You don’t owe her partnership or even friendship. That isn’t what should be keeping her alive (not to mention codependency to that degree is unhealthy for both parties; I was like her in that regard too. From someone on the other side, she NEEDS to find her own identity).
And you very much should care for yourself as much as you had cared for her.” NeaIsACat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I carry a lot of trauma baggage, which has led me to not be the best human being to people I loved in the past. But that is an explanation, not an excuse because, at the end of the day, trauma or not, my actions really hurt these people.
You have to look out for yourself and this person is not good for you, like not at all. Make all your socials private/change socials if you can, change the number and everything to make sure she can’t contact you.
Keep screenshots of everything, every text, and don’t talk to her over the phone in case you need a restraining order in the future. Good luck OP.” The_Death_Flower
1. AITJ For Telling My LDR Partner I Think He's Not Ready For A Relationship?
“I (Taiwanese, 22F) have been in an LDR with my partner (Czech, 22M) for a bit more than a month.
We met in another country during our exchange term last year, became friends with benefits, and only made it official after we both went home. We had a shaky start. I’m extremely anxious in nature and also very new to the idea of meeting people (he’s my second relationship and my first was kinda awful).
I have severe attachment issues and low self-esteem, and while I’m trying very hard to get better, I do need to be reassured more often than the average person.
Recently I’ve noticed he hasn’t been doing mentally well. He has been tired, distracted, and dismissive during our video calls more often than not.
I’m always the one initiating phone calls or hangout time. I gradually became frustrated and paranoid about taking up his time. We talked about it and he said it’s because he wasn’t doing too well mentally and thus physically. When asked about the reason he said it’s just life and stuff.
Yesterday I was on the edge of freaking out and tried to pry some more out of him as calmly as possible. He said he wouldn’t mind telling me even though it’s not about me and it’s not something I’d be able to help (because I didn’t know him enough which is true but ouch).
He talked about feeling inadequate in the past few years, hating to have to compare himself with others, and feeling sorry for himself. He talked about feeling like there’s no point to try or commit. He mentioned his ex and how he felt bad for her in a way that he didn’t expect himself to feel anymore.
He mentioned us and questioned who even is his significant other on the other side of the screen. I was shocked and sad for him and suddenly realized I was part of his stress source even though he denied it.
I asked him if he felt like he was in a position to be in a relationship. He said he was sure as he had ever been. (He had four other relationships before me, none of them were LDR.)
I pointed out that none of these relationships worked in the end and told him that I didn’t feel like he was ready to commit.
He got frustrated and told me who was I to tell him how he felt. (it’s more or less a reoccurring argument between us. I have questioned his feelings for me multiple times at the beginning of our relationship.) He asked if it was because he has never committed to anything?
If it is then why can’t he try?? Is it because he didn’t fit into my idea of commitment? So why can’t I accept there are other ways for him to show his commitment? Why do I have to freak out every time when he isn’t doing exactly what I want him to do?
We ended the call quite late and emotional last night. I woke up this morning feeling like garbage. So, AITJ for accusing my partner of not being ready to commit?
Update: We just had an emotional conversation. You guys are right.
He’s under a lot of pressure. This relationship has been focusing on MY healing since day 1. He told me he felt exhausted and trapped in the same place without moving forward, as for the past month I have been an insecure mess, to say the least. He admitted that he hadn’t been honest about the fact that I was being too much for him, which he constantly assured me he would.
We talked about breaking up. I asked him if that meant he didn’t want to try anymore. He said he still did but he didn’t know how to be in his current state. I told him I was willing to try anything he asked.
Long story short: we decided to take some time off for him to calm down and get himself together. He asked for a week of 0 contact. I am seeking therapy in a couple of weeks. I am still in love with him.
But I do recognize the possibility that after the week he would realize he’s better off without me. I will spend the week learning how to be alone for the first time in a while for my own sake.”
Another User Comments:
“‘I pointed out none of these relationships worked in the end.’ That’s pretty normal, he’s only 22. What do you expect his history to look like?
Also, you’ve been in a relationship for less than 2 months. What do you want him to ‘commit’ to.
He’s not going to know if the month-long LDR he’s in at 22 is going to be forever. You’re still getting to know each other.
It sounds like you have very high expectations, but I’m not clear on what they actually are.
If he is too distant, doesn’t initiate calls, etc, then break up with him because he’s not meeting your emotional needs. Break up with him because of how he makes you feel, not how you think he feels.
YTJ.” Extension_Ad_972
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
When a couple is in an LDR, it’s very important that they be able to talk about very hard topics and be honest and understanding to each other.
To be honest, I don’t think that BOTH of you are in a position to be able to make this work.
You BOTH need to get some therapy to deal with your personal struggles before you can be in a relationship.
Please understand that I’m not saying this to be judgemental.” shazrose
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your partner is going through a difficult time mentally and likely needs as much encouragement as you do or even more, instead of giving him that you’ve just confirmed that his fears are correct.
Also, it’s 2 months into a relationship and sounding a bit toxic…” Unkle_bad-touch
